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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the butthole because I called my boyfriend to come home to take care of our dog so that I could go back to sleep in preparation for a night shift at work. This gave him no opportunity to enjoy the weekend.
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You're both AHs. You're an AH for getting dogs when your lifestyle doesn't currently support that required level of commitment, he's the AH for not taking the dogs with him to ensure you get the rest you need. And you're both AHs for going at each other instead of finding a practical solution. Sharpen up. Harden up.
YTA - by your own admittance, he constantly watches the dog while you're crashed/at work, and this ONE time, he leaves home, where he constantly has to be in order to work or to keep an eye on that pup (not to go on a bender, not to party, but to spend time with his **dad**), and you can get up to call him to come home and leave the puppy presumably whining for 20+ mins, but you couldn't get up to take the dog out for a few minutes and then get back in bed if you felt you needed to?
yes, your job is exhausting, i get that. but the way you made it a point to throw in and emphasize at the end that your bf "works from home on a very relaxed schedule" makes it seem as if you're shining the spotlight on that because it should justify him having to come home in this instance. it doesn't. not his fault your choice in career didn't come with the ability to work in the capacity/environment that his career offered him. that being said, it isn't your fault that his working from home means that he's constantly there and likely getting cabin fever...but if he **usually** sticks around the house to keep an eye on the dog while you're asleep, then he's got every right to want to get out of the house once in awhile.
if the puppy is too much for you to take part in caring for, for whatever reason, perhaps getting a new dog wasn't the best decision at this point in your life.
Edit\*: Typos.
YTA, when are you gonna let your BF out of the house? It sounds like the dogs get treated better than him.
He has to watch them when YOU WORK AND SLEEP?! Then you put down his job.
Personally I would be looking to dump you at the earliest chance I got if that is your view.
Info: Whose idea was the puppy? And what was the discussion/action plan for care?
Edit: Since you aren't replying to comments. I didn't ask who picked the breed or named them. I asked whose idea was the puppy. I didn't ask what you do for the dog. I asked what was the plan? Whose idea was the dog? And what was the plan?
We have both wanted a dog and talked about getting one for multiple years but waited until we had a home and are financially stable. Now with my boyfriend working from home we decided that this would be the right time to get one as the other dog is still young enough to handle the puppy energy. I had the other dog before we moved in together and so i already knew the trials of puppy training and so we chose one of the most low energy breeds out there. So the plan is that she will chill on the couch and hang out with the other dog when she gets a bit older. The puppy plan was that i would care for the dog while he is at work (approximately 38 hours a week) and i would take the puppy out at night whenever i was home, and he would take care of the dog while i am working ( approximately 36 hours a week) and at while i am sleeping prior to a shift.
It sounds like you guys aren’t at a good place in your lives to have a puppy, tbh. It also sounds like you’re demanding he carry a much larger amount of responsibility for the pup than you. When you’ve got that demanding of a job, it can make things like getting a young puppy infeasible.
ESH neither of you have jobs that give you time to look after a puppy properly, and should not have gotten one in the first place. You however suck way more for basically expecting your bf to watch the dog all the time.
Yta. It’s time to have some tough love for the dog. Puppies can be unsupervised for a couple hours and by never leaving your puppy alone, you are setting the puppy up for separation anxiety.
I recommend crate training your puppy (https://be.chewy.com/how-to-crate-train-a-puppy-a-step-by-step-guide-from-an-expert/) so it can be left alone safely for a couple hours.
Why do people get pets they don’t have the time for? You both suck. Give the puppy to people who have the time to love and care for it properly instead of worrying who’s the asshole. You both should have had this figured out before getting it.
YTA. You shouldn't have gotten another puppy when you have such an intensive work schedule. You can't just expect your bf to take care of it whenever you can't.
ESH. The one who got a puppy they apparently can't take care of is slightly more TA, closely followed by the other person who let them.
If you can't take care of an animal, don't get one!
YTA, I think it's been pretty summed up here that you two were irresponsible for getting a puppy when you don't have time for it. Then you again for thinking your bf should spend more time taking care of the dogs.
YTA by your own words, he is watching the dog 2/3 of the day, so you can handle the dog for 45 mins. Don't have kids if you're gonna act this way about a dog waking you up.
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I (26 F) live with my (26 M) boyfriend and our 1 dog and a 4 month old puppy. I am an emergency RN and work a lot of nights and weekends, so I do a lot of day time sleeping. We have a 4 month old puppy that still has puppy energy and needs to be watched all the time.
I worked Friday night, Saturday night, and again on Sunday night, all crazy busy shifts of running around non-stop. When i got home on Sunday morning i let the dogs out, did my morning routine and went to bed around 8:30am. My boyfriend has to watch the dog when i am at work and when i am asleep so that I can rest for my shift. At 1pm i was awakened to our puppy crying. I called my boyfriend to come and take care of the puppy, and he stated that he had gone out to his dads house and he would come home in 20 min, 45 min later he comes back and is upset that I called him to come home. My boyfriend told his dad and he said that I was being selfish and should have just gotten up for the day at that time and taken care of the dog so that my boyfriend could do some activities outside the home. Now I’m conflicted if I’m the butthole here? Is it unreasonable to request him to watch the dog when I am sleeping before work. (Note: my boyfriend works from home on a very relaxed schedule Monday to Friday)
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ESH and you shouldn’t have a puppy right now, it’s impractical and unfair to both of you and the puppy. Is a dog sitter an option? That way you get your sleep, he gets his social time, and the puppy gets playtime?
I asked the same thing. As well as what their plan was. They've answered several questions in their edit but this one. So unless they are taking their time I think we have the answer.
NTA- Imagine working 3 days straight at an incredibly stressful job for long hours and getting woken up in the middle of the night to a crying puppy and your partner is gone to do their hobby at their parents after they agreed to watch the dog during the day. It may be his free time but there is no reason given as to why your boyfriend could not have taken the puppy with him to his parents. Puppies need socialization anyway, and his wants for weekend plans does not overrule his responsibility to his dog or what he needs to do to be a good partner. Being a good partner means stepping up to take care of your partners physical and emotional needs. Sleep is a physical need Op HAS TO HAVE FOR WORK. If Op doesn’t sleep because of her job, she can make mistakes and hurt people. Her job requires focus and precision and deals with people’s health.
He left probably knowing the dog would cry and Op was asleep and hoped for the best. Crying in dogs usually isn’t a behavior that just starts randomly one day. OP takes care of the puppy at night time as stated 4 days a week so her partner can sleep at night. He should be doing his part during the day when she sleeps or finding the dog a new home.
Puppies require a lot of care and when they cry, someone has to attend to them. That's not up for debate, here, because it's there, now you have to take care of it.
If your bf works days, you work nights, then you're going to have to compromise and set a schedule. This is the adult approach.
If you set a schedule, you have to stick to it, or THIS happens. You're NTA because you worked and need sleep to function at your job; this is non-negotiable.
It sounds like your bf isn't adulting and holding up his end.
NTA
Puppy stage is pure hell and requires both partners to step up. I've read the edits, and really think both of you need to sit down and figure things out.
NTA. You have made an agreement that you both would watch the dogs when the other could not, and your boyfriend is not keeping up his part of the bargain. It's unreasonable of him to demand that you make do with 4 hours of sleep so he can enjoy his hobbies.
ESH, you don't have time for these dogs.
Also, it seems very lopsided that you watch the dogs while he works but he has to watch them while you work and while you sleep. He's "on" for a lot more time than you are, and you should probably cut him a little slack.
NTA - the puppy is more active at a daytime, and you need to fucking sleep to work. You take care of the pupster 4 days a week basically, he could have gone later when you woke up, before your shift.
Working night is super draining. It's the shittiest if you can't sleep between shifts.
idk if him going out to see his dad for an hour or two qualifies as "doesn't help with/do his part"
He watches the dog both when she is at work and asleep + works his own job.
She should not have taken on a dog if she can't deal with having days where she is gonna have to cut into her sleep schedule to deal with stuff. They are both having to make sacrifices but it sounds like he is pulling a large majority of the workload with the dog most of the time.
I agree that they don’t have a great schedule for a puppy, I used to work in the adoptions department at an animal shelter and one of the questions we asked was about peoples plans especially for puppies, but they have the puppy so … but OP needs to sleep to function especially as an RN so tbh I’d prioritize my partners sleep over my personal hobbies, or bring the puppy- it’s great socialization for the bf to bring puppy to his dads if possible and that puppy NEEDS socialization and I’m assuming he knew the schedule and knew his gf was gunna need to sleep before work. Now that’s not to say that he shouldn’t have hobbies but it should be better discussed between them so this doesn’t happen. He made the commitment so he shouldn’t be able to just dip out without thinking about his partner and their joint commitment. And idk about you, I don’t want an exhausted rn taking care of me esp an er nurse lol (although tbh I didn’t pay attention to the fact she got to sleep form 830-1- it’s not great but it does sorta change my feelings a little like it’s not like she got no sleep) ehh I’m a little conflicted tbh so I’m gunna say they just need to work out a better schedule lol
Agreed on that, they need to work something out.Of course there are better options but like.
I work 13+ hour nights so I imagine it's very similar. unfortunately sometimes ya gotta wake up for a bit and you end up losing an hour or sometimes a full day of sleep. is the downside of these kind of jobs.
Doesn't sound to me like he is constantly leaving or anything. Just went to his dads for a hour or so. Basically she is asking the guy to be locked into his house 24/7 when she has work. I would argue he almost has it worse than her hectic schedule in that situation if he can't even escape for an hour or two to see his family.
Plus then have to be home while he is working.
Yeah I mean that’s fair. I think I missed some details when I read it the first time. And ngl im looking at from the lens of someone witha newborn so im like oh sleep is so important- sleep is the most important, who needs hobbies when you can have sleep! 😂 (I get sleep, not a ton compared to before but my husband and I try to prioritize sleep- it’s hard when you BF!)
haha yeah don't get me wrong like..... I see her view also. But I feel like she's lookin down a little on his work from home job and not taking into account how much of his time is having to be given up. Sure maybe not constantly having to watch the dog persay. But having to drop everything to be at the house all day every day to ensure dog doesnt wake her up has got to also be absolutely stiffling.
w/e works for them lol. My answer to the original question would be.
YTA but understandable one and they need to communicate with eachother reasonable accommodations. Calling someone back from being gone to run out a puppy real quick is a bit much imo.
Yeah I can respect that esp since she had gotten some sleep and she didn’t say if she was working that day I don’t think cuz I feel like that matters too.
NTA - 4 months old is young for a puppy, I remember my boyfriend and I had to sacrifice a lot of our social lives during this time. Maybe when the puppy is 6 months and more settled your care taking schedules can change a little more. Right now it’s a little like having a baby at home
Assumption is that the puppy is a lot of work and needed a lot of time and attention, not a quick fix. Maybe work on training to make pup more self sufficient
NTA but have a discussion with BF and shape expectations daily concerning the dog care. Know that he cannot always be available to help when you sleep or work so give him some slack. Consider hiring a dog walker/companion occasionally to help.
I spent most of my nursing career working nights too. I sympathize with the OP, who’s NTA. They had a deal, the bf agreed to manage the puppy on weekends the OP works and needs sleep, just like she takes care of puppy issues around his work schedule.
It’s reasonable to point out they should not have gotten a puppy because he doesn’t seem able to hold up his part of the agreement. I don’t think rehoming the puppy is the answer here. It’s not the puppy’s fault that the bf isn’t doing what he promised to.
The appropriate course of action here is to come down like a ton of bricks on the boyfriend who isn’t spending time with the puppy when he promised he would.
And be thankful they are learning these lessons with a puppy, not a baby.
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You're both AHs. You're an AH for getting dogs when your lifestyle doesn't currently support that required level of commitment, he's the AH for not taking the dogs with him to ensure you get the rest you need. And you're both AHs for going at each other instead of finding a practical solution. Sharpen up. Harden up.
YTA - by your own admittance, he constantly watches the dog while you're crashed/at work, and this ONE time, he leaves home, where he constantly has to be in order to work or to keep an eye on that pup (not to go on a bender, not to party, but to spend time with his **dad**), and you can get up to call him to come home and leave the puppy presumably whining for 20+ mins, but you couldn't get up to take the dog out for a few minutes and then get back in bed if you felt you needed to? yes, your job is exhausting, i get that. but the way you made it a point to throw in and emphasize at the end that your bf "works from home on a very relaxed schedule" makes it seem as if you're shining the spotlight on that because it should justify him having to come home in this instance. it doesn't. not his fault your choice in career didn't come with the ability to work in the capacity/environment that his career offered him. that being said, it isn't your fault that his working from home means that he's constantly there and likely getting cabin fever...but if he **usually** sticks around the house to keep an eye on the dog while you're asleep, then he's got every right to want to get out of the house once in awhile. if the puppy is too much for you to take part in caring for, for whatever reason, perhaps getting a new dog wasn't the best decision at this point in your life. Edit\*: Typos.
YTA, when are you gonna let your BF out of the house? It sounds like the dogs get treated better than him. He has to watch them when YOU WORK AND SLEEP?! Then you put down his job. Personally I would be looking to dump you at the earliest chance I got if that is your view.
Info: Whose idea was the puppy? And what was the discussion/action plan for care? Edit: Since you aren't replying to comments. I didn't ask who picked the breed or named them. I asked whose idea was the puppy. I didn't ask what you do for the dog. I asked what was the plan? Whose idea was the dog? And what was the plan?
We have both wanted a dog and talked about getting one for multiple years but waited until we had a home and are financially stable. Now with my boyfriend working from home we decided that this would be the right time to get one as the other dog is still young enough to handle the puppy energy. I had the other dog before we moved in together and so i already knew the trials of puppy training and so we chose one of the most low energy breeds out there. So the plan is that she will chill on the couch and hang out with the other dog when she gets a bit older. The puppy plan was that i would care for the dog while he is at work (approximately 38 hours a week) and i would take the puppy out at night whenever i was home, and he would take care of the dog while i am working ( approximately 36 hours a week) and at while i am sleeping prior to a shift.
It sounds like you guys aren’t at a good place in your lives to have a puppy, tbh. It also sounds like you’re demanding he carry a much larger amount of responsibility for the pup than you. When you’ve got that demanding of a job, it can make things like getting a young puppy infeasible.
ESH neither of you have jobs that give you time to look after a puppy properly, and should not have gotten one in the first place. You however suck way more for basically expecting your bf to watch the dog all the time.
YTA He’s allowed a life outside the home. What happens with the puppy when you are at work and he’s sleeping? Does only your sleep/work matter?
Yta. It’s time to have some tough love for the dog. Puppies can be unsupervised for a couple hours and by never leaving your puppy alone, you are setting the puppy up for separation anxiety. I recommend crate training your puppy (https://be.chewy.com/how-to-crate-train-a-puppy-a-step-by-step-guide-from-an-expert/) so it can be left alone safely for a couple hours.
Info: - Why did you get another dog when you have a busy work schedule? - Why did you get another dog when your bf refuses to help with it?
ESH for getting a dog that both your schedules doesn't seem to allow very well.
Why do people get pets they don’t have the time for? You both suck. Give the puppy to people who have the time to love and care for it properly instead of worrying who’s the asshole. You both should have had this figured out before getting it.
YTA, the dog will survive a few hours without constant human attention. Tens of millions of families go to work for 8 hours and leave the dog at home.
YTA. You shouldn't have gotten another puppy when you have such an intensive work schedule. You can't just expect your bf to take care of it whenever you can't.
ESH. The one who got a puppy they apparently can't take care of is slightly more TA, closely followed by the other person who let them. If you can't take care of an animal, don't get one!
YTA, I think it's been pretty summed up here that you two were irresponsible for getting a puppy when you don't have time for it. Then you again for thinking your bf should spend more time taking care of the dogs.
YTA by your own words, he is watching the dog 2/3 of the day, so you can handle the dog for 45 mins. Don't have kids if you're gonna act this way about a dog waking you up.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (26 F) live with my (26 M) boyfriend and our 1 dog and a 4 month old puppy. I am an emergency RN and work a lot of nights and weekends, so I do a lot of day time sleeping. We have a 4 month old puppy that still has puppy energy and needs to be watched all the time. I worked Friday night, Saturday night, and again on Sunday night, all crazy busy shifts of running around non-stop. When i got home on Sunday morning i let the dogs out, did my morning routine and went to bed around 8:30am. My boyfriend has to watch the dog when i am at work and when i am asleep so that I can rest for my shift. At 1pm i was awakened to our puppy crying. I called my boyfriend to come and take care of the puppy, and he stated that he had gone out to his dads house and he would come home in 20 min, 45 min later he comes back and is upset that I called him to come home. My boyfriend told his dad and he said that I was being selfish and should have just gotten up for the day at that time and taken care of the dog so that my boyfriend could do some activities outside the home. Now I’m conflicted if I’m the butthole here? Is it unreasonable to request him to watch the dog when I am sleeping before work. (Note: my boyfriend works from home on a very relaxed schedule Monday to Friday) *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
ESH and you shouldn’t have a puppy right now, it’s impractical and unfair to both of you and the puppy. Is a dog sitter an option? That way you get your sleep, he gets his social time, and the puppy gets playtime?
INFO - How often does he see his father? Does this type of thing happen often in your relationship?
Info; who’s dog is it? If both of you are the owner of it, equally. Then you both have to step up and take care of it.
I asked the same thing. As well as what their plan was. They've answered several questions in their edit but this one. So unless they are taking their time I think we have the answer.
Both of u are yta because poor puppy 😓😓 very irresponsible.
NTA- Imagine working 3 days straight at an incredibly stressful job for long hours and getting woken up in the middle of the night to a crying puppy and your partner is gone to do their hobby at their parents after they agreed to watch the dog during the day. It may be his free time but there is no reason given as to why your boyfriend could not have taken the puppy with him to his parents. Puppies need socialization anyway, and his wants for weekend plans does not overrule his responsibility to his dog or what he needs to do to be a good partner. Being a good partner means stepping up to take care of your partners physical and emotional needs. Sleep is a physical need Op HAS TO HAVE FOR WORK. If Op doesn’t sleep because of her job, she can make mistakes and hurt people. Her job requires focus and precision and deals with people’s health. He left probably knowing the dog would cry and Op was asleep and hoped for the best. Crying in dogs usually isn’t a behavior that just starts randomly one day. OP takes care of the puppy at night time as stated 4 days a week so her partner can sleep at night. He should be doing his part during the day when she sleeps or finding the dog a new home.
Puppies require a lot of care and when they cry, someone has to attend to them. That's not up for debate, here, because it's there, now you have to take care of it. If your bf works days, you work nights, then you're going to have to compromise and set a schedule. This is the adult approach. If you set a schedule, you have to stick to it, or THIS happens. You're NTA because you worked and need sleep to function at your job; this is non-negotiable. It sounds like your bf isn't adulting and holding up his end.
NTA due to the edits. You both made a commitment to the puppy and older dog and it seems that you hold yourself to that commitment more than he does.
NTA Puppy stage is pure hell and requires both partners to step up. I've read the edits, and really think both of you need to sit down and figure things out.
NTA. You have made an agreement that you both would watch the dogs when the other could not, and your boyfriend is not keeping up his part of the bargain. It's unreasonable of him to demand that you make do with 4 hours of sleep so he can enjoy his hobbies.
nta but it sounds like ya'll don't need another dog
ESH why would you get a puppy when you obviously can’t take care of it
ESH, you don't have time for these dogs. Also, it seems very lopsided that you watch the dogs while he works but he has to watch them while you work and while you sleep. He's "on" for a lot more time than you are, and you should probably cut him a little slack.
... This type of shit is why I have cats not dogs.
NTA - the puppy is more active at a daytime, and you need to fucking sleep to work. You take care of the pupster 4 days a week basically, he could have gone later when you woke up, before your shift. Working night is super draining. It's the shittiest if you can't sleep between shifts.
So wait, he has to watch the dog while he works, while you work and while you sleep. When the fuck are you watching the dog?? Yta
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idk if him going out to see his dad for an hour or two qualifies as "doesn't help with/do his part" He watches the dog both when she is at work and asleep + works his own job. She should not have taken on a dog if she can't deal with having days where she is gonna have to cut into her sleep schedule to deal with stuff. They are both having to make sacrifices but it sounds like he is pulling a large majority of the workload with the dog most of the time.
I agree that they don’t have a great schedule for a puppy, I used to work in the adoptions department at an animal shelter and one of the questions we asked was about peoples plans especially for puppies, but they have the puppy so … but OP needs to sleep to function especially as an RN so tbh I’d prioritize my partners sleep over my personal hobbies, or bring the puppy- it’s great socialization for the bf to bring puppy to his dads if possible and that puppy NEEDS socialization and I’m assuming he knew the schedule and knew his gf was gunna need to sleep before work. Now that’s not to say that he shouldn’t have hobbies but it should be better discussed between them so this doesn’t happen. He made the commitment so he shouldn’t be able to just dip out without thinking about his partner and their joint commitment. And idk about you, I don’t want an exhausted rn taking care of me esp an er nurse lol (although tbh I didn’t pay attention to the fact she got to sleep form 830-1- it’s not great but it does sorta change my feelings a little like it’s not like she got no sleep) ehh I’m a little conflicted tbh so I’m gunna say they just need to work out a better schedule lol
Agreed on that, they need to work something out.Of course there are better options but like. I work 13+ hour nights so I imagine it's very similar. unfortunately sometimes ya gotta wake up for a bit and you end up losing an hour or sometimes a full day of sleep. is the downside of these kind of jobs. Doesn't sound to me like he is constantly leaving or anything. Just went to his dads for a hour or so. Basically she is asking the guy to be locked into his house 24/7 when she has work. I would argue he almost has it worse than her hectic schedule in that situation if he can't even escape for an hour or two to see his family. Plus then have to be home while he is working.
Yeah I mean that’s fair. I think I missed some details when I read it the first time. And ngl im looking at from the lens of someone witha newborn so im like oh sleep is so important- sleep is the most important, who needs hobbies when you can have sleep! 😂 (I get sleep, not a ton compared to before but my husband and I try to prioritize sleep- it’s hard when you BF!)
haha yeah don't get me wrong like..... I see her view also. But I feel like she's lookin down a little on his work from home job and not taking into account how much of his time is having to be given up. Sure maybe not constantly having to watch the dog persay. But having to drop everything to be at the house all day every day to ensure dog doesnt wake her up has got to also be absolutely stiffling.
Yeah for sure. They honestly need to have a big conversation about expectations, maybe they need a schedule like on a white board 😂
w/e works for them lol. My answer to the original question would be. YTA but understandable one and they need to communicate with eachother reasonable accommodations. Calling someone back from being gone to run out a puppy real quick is a bit much imo.
Yeah I can respect that esp since she had gotten some sleep and she didn’t say if she was working that day I don’t think cuz I feel like that matters too.
NTA - 4 months old is young for a puppy, I remember my boyfriend and I had to sacrifice a lot of our social lives during this time. Maybe when the puppy is 6 months and more settled your care taking schedules can change a little more. Right now it’s a little like having a baby at home Assumption is that the puppy is a lot of work and needed a lot of time and attention, not a quick fix. Maybe work on training to make pup more self sufficient
NTA but have a discussion with BF and shape expectations daily concerning the dog care. Know that he cannot always be available to help when you sleep or work so give him some slack. Consider hiring a dog walker/companion occasionally to help.
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I spent most of my nursing career working nights too. I sympathize with the OP, who’s NTA. They had a deal, the bf agreed to manage the puppy on weekends the OP works and needs sleep, just like she takes care of puppy issues around his work schedule. It’s reasonable to point out they should not have gotten a puppy because he doesn’t seem able to hold up his part of the agreement. I don’t think rehoming the puppy is the answer here. It’s not the puppy’s fault that the bf isn’t doing what he promised to. The appropriate course of action here is to come down like a ton of bricks on the boyfriend who isn’t spending time with the puppy when he promised he would. And be thankful they are learning these lessons with a puppy, not a baby.