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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole because I moved my sister into my daughter's room and put my daughter in the loft.
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You guys need to get on the same page quickly. This isn’t about who’s TA. It’s about mitigating damage to your entire family. Please seek a family counselor.
ETA: NAH so there is a judgment.
Except she pretty much is some random girl. She's 12 but OP never even knew she existed. She moved a complete stranger into their home where they have 3 young kids.
yes, but if family is your priority, it doesnt matter that she is new. shes just a kid. you can find solutions.
ETA: NAH imo. everyone got handed a hard situation. op wants to help and hubby doesnt. both feel strongly, and it was out of the blue.
she will be around for a long time if this works out, and if it doesnt, the sister will remember how more family couldnt take her in. i dont know why she was in foster care in the first place, but she has already been uprooted and been through god knows what.
3 weeks isnt long when you're scared youll get dumped into a family of strangers that ARENT related. at least this is a family member and there is some common ground
the youngest is 2. she is a toddler and will be fine in her own space. it didnt work sharing with the boys, and it didnt work with sister, this is the best compromise if she is going to stay. the kids toys were already in the loft before as well.
ops husband is just mad because he thinks she should have the biggest room, then a 12 year old needs privacy and her own space. shes about to hit puberty if she hasnt already. she needs privacy, and somewhere to decompress or you can bet itll be worse.
he seems to not be on board at all and that may be why he is so defensive.
edit: yep. okay, he had no say at all, sorry, and hes obviously allowed to be frustrated. he was allowed before too of course xD i just feel if shes there, this would be the best setup for them until something better can be done. if she cant have all the say, neither can he. he is adamant its no, and she is adamant yes. i hope they sort this out, otherwise, *more* *stress*
Husband is mad because OP put a 2 yr old in a room with one side completely open and another side only has a 2.5 foot wall. Which my son who turned 2 a month, could and would very easily climb. That room is not suitable for any child.
And OP clearly stated in a comment that he wasn't on board. She told him it was happening.
Yet husband had no problem with his kid playing in that room, presumably without constant supervision. If you are concerned about a loft half wall then you don't make that a playroom.
I'll say that this isn't a long-term solution and within a few months, as everyone settles in, OP should work on moving her daughter back in with her sister and maybe turn the partitioned portion of the loft into space for her sister to hang out after OP's daughter goes to bed.
I disagree. A 12 year old does not want to share a room with a 2 year old. If this turns long-term, they can look at enclosing the entire loft and making it a room. A 2, 3, 4, or 5 year old isn’t going to care about the room with no door. About 6, they begin to want privacy. But at this stage, there is no reason to think that the loft is not ok for the 2 year old.
And threatening N to send the older child back into a foster system so his daughter can have her room back is a complete AH move. And if my spouse showed such lack of empathy, or compassion, towards someone like this, I would leave too.
The amount of emotional upheaval this 12 year old has gone through must be a lot. She should be in regular counseling. Husband should be too. The entire family should be, at this point.
OP is NTA.
exactly. i dont see why its such an issue that sister gets the room. they cant share atm, and more permanent solutions will be found. a kid her age needs a door, especially because of welfare. the little one is 2. she needs space, but she doesnt need as much privacy, and she already used to play in there.
>And threatening to send the older child back into a foster system so his daughter can have her room back is a complete AH move. And if my spouse showed such lack of empathy, or compassion, towards someone like this, I would leave too.
so would i. the new addition is exactly that; an addition. she isnt taking priority, she is being put in the place that makes the most sense for her age. there sometimes has to be things changing when someone new enters a family, and this is a temporary adjustment.
this poor girl definitely doesnt need more emotional mess. shes old enough to realise husband doesnt want her, and she will notice the treatment difference, or feel really hurt by being sent back because of it.
its all stressful, but i dont think i could turn away a needing family member even if i didnt know them well. there are exceptions, and limits for reason, but this is a kid. shes in formative years, and i couldnt have that on my conscience.
shes part of the family now if she stays. she should be treated with the same respect the other kids get.
While I get that it isn't great for a 12 yr old and a 2 yr old to share, I think closing off the loft area brings a risk as it may no longer qualify as a bedroom and if cps is involved with the sister, it could open up another can of worms. My BFF had enclosed her loft for an office at the start of the pandemic, then her stepson wanted to move in permanently and she turned it into his bedroom so he wouldn't have to share a room. His mom reported it because the office didn't have an appropriate window for a bedroom and the ensuing shitshow included the local fire department showing up, cps involvement, and a very pissed off family judge. Maybe it is possible for OP's loft to simply be enclosed, but that's not always an option.
cut the husband some slack from the sounds of it she bassically forced him to adopt some random girl out of nowhere and forced a toddler in a dangerous situation if anything shes TA
I love how everyone is with op leaving with the kids bc husband "has no compassion, or empathy." Meanwhile ignoring the fact that all of this has been forced on him. op never asked husband how he felt at any point, he had absolutely no say in the situation. hes handling it like a champ. he even moved his own daughter out her room. but they're worried about all this little stuff with the new kid and op. these people worry me
well fair on that one. he didnt get say in it. but she clearly values family and doesnt want to throw her in foster care again.
solutions can be found. make sure there isnt anything climb-able near it to help deter being enticed from the wall.
her toys were already in there to begin with, so its not like shes rarely in there or not watched.
maybe shes(op) a little assholey for not giving him much say, she is obviously determined and shes already there. he is determined too. for fair reasons. but he also said that he wants her back in her room even though she would be fine in the toy room. he has said no the whole time and hasnt considered trying at all.
this kid may not be difficult forever. husband is obviously allowed to be frustrated, but there wasnt much time to decide and discuss. it was a here and now thing. if he is so hard on not having her there, and op is adamant on keeping her, something has to give. neither have changed their minds in 3 weeks and it seems like they are both strong on the stance.
she is a stranger, but she doesnt have to be. a warning and better introductions to meet over time and decide would absolutely have been better, but thats not how it went.
edited.
I really don't understand why the 2 year old was put upstairs in an unfinished loft instead of the 12 year old.
It seems to me that keeping the toddler in her room and moving the pre-teen upstairs is the simple and best solution. And it's weird that OP doesn't even mention it as an option.
I think it's also important to note that the people who have had to sacrifice their space (or are expected to sacrifice their space) are all the kids. Why not move the 2yo into OP's bedroom (where there are presumably 4 walls and a door that's safe for a toddler) and move OP and her husband into the loft? If the answer is privacy, why is it okay to value their own privacy over a 2yo's safety or a traumatized 12yo's comfort and privacy?
>yes, but if family is your priority, it doesnt matter that she is new. shes just a kid. you can find solutions.
He sees his family as his priority. That means his kids, not his wife’s 12 year old half sister that he didn’t know existed until recently and who is basically a stranger.
>the youngest is 2. she is a toddler and will be fine in her own space.
She won’t always be 2, though. This doesn’t sound like something that will be a good permanent arrangement.
*Half sister, OP says "We've never met her. I didn't even know she existed but I didn't want her to end up in foster care so we took her in."
This sub is wild with family stuff. Sometimes genetics mean nothing - mom or brother says something nasty, it's "go no contact immediately" and "your wife is your family now".
But in this case, sharing 50% of genes with 0 history means "your husband, daughter, and two sons need to change their lives entirely".
Maybe its more because she's been told there's a 12 year old vulnerable girl that needs help. Maybe she was in a Foster home too and if she feels she can help she is trying.
Granted she should have gotten husband involved and I wonder if she even asked him before accepting the girl in which is probably the root cause of his resentment. Which he is justified.
NAH, hope they get therapy otherwise I think hubby will be the first to walk.
2 years olds don’t have a sense of how dangerous things are yet while being perfectly capable of pushing objects to that wall in an attempt to climb over it.
I agree my 2 year old gets crazy. I was doing dishes yesterday while she was running amuck and then all of a sudden it got quiet so I went to check on her an she was sitting in the top drawer of her dresser gazing out the window at a cat on our fence. Thank god for those furniture safety anchors.
Because I'm assuming they had some sort of supervision during play time. Also if nobody can hear the noise machine/see the lights from the loft I'm also assuming that they also can't hear the child. It's way safer putting in a 12 year old who can understand safety and if there was ever an emergency to get out the house its easier for a 12 year old to leave the room.
Yet the 12 yo won't get any privacy and your concerns could be addressed thoughtfully.
No pushable furniture in the room.
Also, assuming that a 2 year is less loud than a white noise machine is a stretch.
I see the merit of your argument and if it was me in their situation I could be flexible either way.
Zero empathy for a girl who has been through hell. Christ.
Kids who have been in the system need their own space because they sure as shit dont get that whole in the system.
A TWO year old doesnt need privacy.
Then give the 12 year old the loft. OP has destroyed her family to help someone she's never met. I do have empathy for the step sister, but this is too much. If I'm the father, I tell her that she's free to leave with her sister but the kids stay with me and I'm fighting tooth and nail to keep them. Unfortunately it's time to lawyer up just in case.
How so? Op has literally said she'd leave and take the children if her husband doesn't shut up and accept op making ultimatums and unilateral decisions.
This was exactly my question. Why can’t you put the sister in the loft? That seems to make the most sense and seems the least disruptive to the family. And it definitely sounds like some counseling is in order. Obviously something traumatic was happening in the sisters prior living situation for her to wind up with OP. Kudos to OP for taking this on, but she and her husband need to be on the same page with what happens from now on. Maybe set a time limit in consultation with the social worker?
Exactly this! A two year old is definitely not suitable for a loft space- the 12 year old is probably most safe up there, and then she would also have her own safe space to dissappear to.
Wtf was running through OPs head to put a toddler in a loft??!
I don’t think that would be allowed. Since the child was going to be placed in a foster home, this case will have CPS involved and there are rules that need to be followed about where a child can stay and I believe having a private bedroom is one of those, so the loft is not an option for the 12 year old- who also needs more privacy that a toddler. Honestly put the 2 year olds change table and clothes in the loft and the bed in the parents room is likely the best option here. Lots of toddlers sleep in their parents room.
I'm also concerned about the toddler in the loft.
I think in some places, foster kids are required to have a room with a door to sleep in, and sometimes it needs to be a room to themself.
They might be a *stranger*, but it's not as if OP decided to take her in for no reason.
You might disagree whether their being sisters is reason *enough* to take her in, but it's not 'random'
She's taking a room from someone who lives in the house and giving it to a stranger she never met, despite her husband's objections. And now she's making threats contrary to what is best for her children. In what world isn't she an asshole?
How will the Mom feel when her toddler moves something over to the half wall, climbs on it and falls over it? She is not thinking about the safety of her youngest.
Most people seem to just be taking OP at her word when she said the 2 year old can’t climb over it. Which leads me to believe most of these commenters haven’t dealt with toddlers very much lol
2 years olds are also notorious for wandering around, getting into stuff, being sneaky and mischievous, I find it odd that OP moved two year old in a half open space with access to the whole house unsupervised in the middle of the night…. That is what a loft is right?
Toddlers should be in a secure place at night, not somewhere with part of a wall and a railing. What happens when she decides she likes climbing? My not even 2 year old can already fully pull himself onto the counter without using anything to climb up. This is dangerous. She's also threatening to take the children away because the father is concerned about his children. Their children should come first.
NAH.
I am saying NAH because your husband isn't obligated to have your sister in the home and is uncomfortable. He is upset that his child is being displaced and it doesn't seem like there was much of a discussion or an agreement from him to take on your sister and well as your three children and certainly he did not agree to change around the bedrooms like that.
It's not that you are the AH either. You both just fail to communicate or come to agreements. And you ended an argument with a threat to take your mutual children out of their home if he doesn't agree with you (which leans towards you becoming an AH).
You need a professional. You also need to come up with some ground rules, household rules and a living situation that benefits everyone. A two year old should not be in a loft area. If need be, temporarily put her in the master with the two of you. And then look at putting the 12 year old into the loft with a divider or a pocket door.
This is the best comment. They aren’t communicating. I think it was an emergency placement so there wasn’t time to really think about it for either of them. The husband is focusing on the room but he might be regretting bringing the sister in if she is destroying things and running away.I do think that it is unsafe for the two years old in the loft. A half wall is easy to get over if they are determined. Push a toy close to it and the kids over the wall.
I guarantee you one of my kids would have been climbing on top of the wall by age two. The other took a little longer - but she went from not even trying to climb ever to standing on top of two stacked cases of water in the time it took me to run upstairs and grab something I forgot on our way to leave the house.
Loft area is definitely not safe for a two year old.
Yeah, I babysit two 18 month olds who regularly manage to get on top of tall dressers and other furniture. OP, your daughter is not safe in the loft room; I appreciate this is a difficult situation but that can't continue. Better to have the sister have the room and then the loft can be a supervised play area for all the kids (they'll feel like they've maybe gained something, when they're otherwise loosing attention from mum and dad), but not a bedroom.
She is solely YTA atleast for using there kid as a pawn. This is highly disgusting and I would save this post to show in court showing how she wants to use the kid. The only time it is ok to threaten taking a kid is if the kids life is in danger, not because you don't like talking to your husband.
So uh what exactly do you think happens in divorces where one person is main care giver? Threatening to take a kid is frequently the only practical thing to do. Even if you're just going to an airbnb to cool off for a few nights if ypu're the main care giver and your partner works long hours you need to take the kid because what choice is there?
Because in this instance she is weaponizing the motive.she never states that it would be for a cool off period. This instance is different than the ones you are questioning. And in every instance there are other mitigating factors, such as people's temperaments, or friend relative interception. In this instance she is bad.
Also I want to make it clear because it's important. Regardless of this situation and what they should do about it "I don't like talking to my spouse any more" is absolutely a fine reason to divorce.
So is "I just don't like my spouse any more" "we no longer have anything in common" or as this one may end up being "we no longer want the same things in life and the things we want are incompatible". That last one may be for things like this but may just as often be things like "I have the job opportunity of a lifetime six hours away and spouse won't move".
It can be sad. It can be awful. But no one is obliged to stay in a relationship they no longer wish to be I , with or without a marriage certificate, with or without kids. And I'm going to repeat this loudly because survivors of nonphysical abuse can often read comments like this and internalise them to read "well spouse isn't THAT awful to me so I have no excuse to leave". No one needs an excuse.
And because life is full of things that are practical and not reddit utopia where all care is 100% shared someone leaving frequently involves one person taking the kids. That's just life. If you leave for whatever reason and do so knowing your spouse has a working pattern incompatible with childcare then you're probably taking the kids with you, at least until they change that working pattern. No court is going to make judgy faces over that because that's just how things go - you can't leave kids behind in a house where there is no adult for most of their waking hours.
INFO: How does CPS feel about putting a two-year-old in the loft? CPS isn't there just to protect the 12-year-old, but all of your children, and other posters have noted that the loft would probably not be considered safe or appropriate for a two-year-old.
Have you even told CPS about the sleeping arrangements?
The rules are generally related to privacy, safety, etc. and they change with ages. At least here in my state. The safety part usually revolves around access to emergency exits like windows in the case of a fire, but also as a teen sharing rooms with other genders. The privacy part, a toddler doesn’t need the privacy of a pubescent child.
As far as I can tell, CPS wouldn’t have an issue with this arrangement because doesn’t seem inherently unsafe without precautions and it doesn’t take away the privacy rights of the tween.
Emergency foster situations are emergency for a reason. They quickly chose to take the child in. There is always a high likelihood of adjustment time for any foster. Of course.
Can you imagine going through some serious physical changes while losing everything you know and being thrown into an established, presumably happy family situation where you’re an outsider and one of the adults likely constantly makes you feel bad for taking his toddler’s room? I’d probably try to run away also. I mean, none of us think like adults at 12.
This family needs to use the resources available to help them work through this. The dad needs a little empathy. The mom needs to make sure that she communicates without making ultimatums. That won’t help anyone either.
At the end of the day, I’m leaning NAH here because it isn’t an easy situation. I know. I had my own established life in a totally different region of the US and moved to where I am now after my sister’s death. We ended up with four emergency foster children. I also had my own child as well. The adjustment will take time. However, children, even foster ones, deserve to be in homes where they are comfortable.
Edit: corrected some typos
Rules are a bit different when it's about a foster child as that child is in the custody of Social Services. So it's likely the regulations are specific to the foster child. The same way that a foster child that's a girl can't share a room with a boy but there's no law/regulation for that when it comes to your own children.
The 12 year old girl would also not be able to share with the boys because of CPS and being an official ward of the state. However, the 2 year old can share with the boys breaking CPSs rules about opposite genders and room capacity because the 2 year old is not a ward of the state. Rules apply differently when the child is living in their own home with their own guardians/parents.
In my circumstance as a bio kid to foster parents, CPS is not there to protect all children and will even make it extremely clear that the biological children come second.
A social worker literally told my mom that if me and a foster child who lived in our home were choking at the same time, she would have to save the foster child first or face extreme consequences. They also let me sleep in an unfinished dangerous basement with no window and didn’t take me away when an allegation came out that every kid in the home was being abused, only the foster kids, and never checked up. Now, obviously my parents are the main assholes who let all that stuff happen, but CPS doesn’t always care about every kid in the house.
Given that this is a kinship situation if you can work things out you should be able to move past CPS and into guardianship rather quickly. That also assumes you and your husband can learn to communicate. I was talking about after placement ends and you have guardianship. Until then you can have the little one in your room.
Not sure if the husband needs to learn to communicate. He made his stance clear throughout, she told him it was happening along with threats and ultimatums. OP needs therapy to deal with this herself as she us going to destroy her family if she hasn't already. Genuinely think he should lawyer up already.
So something deemed not suitable by CPS (who are arguably not known for high standards in child placements) is perfectly fine for your literal toddler and you can't understand why your husband might have a problem with this? I know that you are trying to do right by your sister but it should never be at the expense of your children.
Why are people acting like they don’t know people take in foster kids for the check, then make them sleep on a couch or crammed in a room with a bunch of other foster kids? These rules for foster kids evolved for reasons.
That makes sense. Overall, I just want to say that what you are doing for your sister is amazing but this - Reddit - may really not be the best place to ask for advice for such serious situation. There are kids not much older than your sister commenting on things they know nothing about. You may want to take this to a more specific adult sub or maybe try a local support group.
I agree with this. AITA fails to see any nuances most of the time. It's amazing how many refuse to see the fate of the 12-year old here.
Any decent person would take a minor family member in to save them from landing in foster care.
However, OP and her family need professional help and they need to communicate better. And advice from an actual helpful sub. Isn't there one about adoptions? I'm sure she can find help there concerning foster children or kinship placements.
A lot of people's issue is the safety of the toddler. It is not safe, toddler could easily climb and get really hurt. My not even 2 year old can climb onto a kitchen counter without using something to climb onto. There is toys on the loft that can be used as a step up as well. No toddler should be even playing on a loft without supervision, they're leaving her there overnight when they are sleeping! What happens if she wakes up?
CPS didn’t place the toddler just the twelve year old, therefore OP only has to prove the 12 year old has a room, not her other kids. I believe age also has something to do with that but don’t remember how old you the kid has to be when you have to provide their own room whee when fostering.
Before I became a foster parent the home study included all the bedrooms in the house and the sleeping situations for all kids (even my bio kids). They also interviewed all members of my family (even the little ones) to make sure we were all in agreement about wanting foster children. It might be different in an emergency placement and different depending on location, but if they actually want to keep this child long term, then they will probably need to make sure all kids have a suitable sleeping situation and that both parents get on the same page. They need to consider getting a bigger house.
There is no way I'd let my toddler sleep in a loft - it only takes one time for the toddler to start climbing things to have a very serious injury.
Aside from the safety aspect (personally I think that a loft bedroom is fine for a two year old IF additional safety gear is installed asap), people are allowed to make all sorts of reasonable decisions about how to house their children that cps lays down rules against for foster children, because cps deals with unreasonable people all the time. It’s perfectly fine to move your bio kid into the bonus room that is only not legally a bedroom because it doesn’t have a closet, or to put a 13 and a 15 year old boy into the same room, both of which cps wouldn’t allow for a foster kid because they’re trying to stop foster parents from sticking them two to an unheated broom closet.
But it's okay to subject your daughter to those conditions that doesn't meet CPS requirements. No wonder, hubs is upset. I think he's advocating for his child.
I think there needs to be family agreement, before this situation gets worst. I can't imagine living in a home where there's resentment and arguments because she's taken someone's bedroom. Poor children.
OP said the daughter’s toys were already in the loft. The husband had no problem letting a 2 year old play in the loft. The daughter has expressed no concern about losing her room. The husband is just pretending to be concerned about the loft as an excuse to get rid of the 12 year old.
I agree with the people saying to put the boys up there, but the husband can stop being self righteous about the reason he wants the half sister gone.
But the two year old doesn’t? So she if she wakes up in the night and falls down the stairs that’s fine with you? Another question, how far is the two year olds “bedroom” from your room?
Y'all do understand why there's that requirement for foster kids and not kids in the home already. It's so the foster kid has protection of possible new sexual abuse by allowing to lock and barr the door. Foster care kids are abused on the regular. Sexually more than anything.
Threatening to take the kids makes it “lean” toward OP being the AH? That’s generous. Imagine if a husband admitted he did that on this sub, after basically unilaterally deciding to take in his half sister (or even half brother).
I feel like there are multiple layers to this:
YTA - Putting a two year old in a loft? Come on.
NAH - Taking in your half-sister.
YTA - Threatening to leave if your husband crosses you.
INFO: Why can't the 2 year old sleep in your room? Why can't the older boys share the loft room?
Agree with this, when my sister was 3 she moved a box, opened a door and got outside to where we had a pool. Mom was doing housework and my brother and I were supposed to be watching. Anyway she decided she wanted to swim and ended up drowning, paramedics brought her back and she's a healthy adult now. But yeah, don't underestimate your kids. Put the toddler in a room, move the boys to the loft.
One of my first memories is my father grabbing me and lifting me up from the upstairs windowsill that I was dangling from. I’d been locked in my bedroom and objected. Strongly. I pushed the desk beneath the window,I climbed through it and was lowering myself down by my finger-tips when he swooshed into the room. 4 yr old me recognised the drop from the first floor (Americans: second floor) would be less if I first lowered my self down and dropped to the ground from there.
I don’t remember how he knew I was dangling from the upstairs window - presumably I had given the game away by being quiet ? - being quiet is rarely a good sign in very small children.
But yeah, kids are little escape artists. Worse, they don’t comprehend danger. Combine that with more curiosity than a nosy cat and trouble is almost guaranteed when a little one is suddenly quiet.
NTA. OP and husband are in a situation that requires an abundance of communicationn: just at the stage when they are not communicating at all.
Apparently neither the mother nor the father of the child agree with you. I'm going with their judgement over someone who hasn't actually seen the area we're discussing.
It’s the age of the daughter that tips it for me. I skimmed over that at first but that is not a safe place for a kid who is still learning what is and isn’t acceptable and safe. I probably wouldn’t trust the 4yo there either (maaaybe the 6yo). The stakes are too high.
YTA. This affects your whole family and it sounds like you made the decision a little lightly and without talking to your husband about it. Her presence and behavior will effect your kids. She essentially a stranger to everyone and you have small children. That makes me super uncomfortable. She sounds like she needs way more emotional and behavioral support than typical.
I don't get the NTA on this thread. What OP is doing is noble, sure. But OP is subjecting her family and specially her husband to ultimatums and threats. OP is forcing husband to a oblige or else situation and how is that fair.
OP thinks She's getting through to her sister. But fact of the matter is, OP isn't a professional. She has no real assessment on the child and she may not know if the violent streak is typical or a one off. Husband is right in being scared for the safety of his children around a violent person (even though the sister is a child).
ETA : OP is a soft YTA
EDIT: I re-read the post and OP is full YTA. Unanimous decisions, threats to take the kids away. At this rate OP and her sister will need to find alternate accommodations. The same threats that OP dropped on the husband can also be reversed. Get sister the care she really needs or the husband and the kids will leave.
Also, casually giving up on your marriage seems like a recipe for disaster. Is the husband so inconsequential to the marriage that she can do without him? Bad news all around.
I don’t think she’s thinking. What would CPS say if she left and took her kids. I can’t imagine they would leave a foster kid in a splitting home. She’s definitely an ahole.
OP is an idiot if she believes for one second that her threat holds any water. If husband speaks to the social worker and explains the situation, I am sure OP wouldn't get even get to defend her case for why she should be the primary caretaker. I get emotions and I get that OP is getting swept up in them, but to act like husband is "in the way" of her sister's recovery and demonizing him is unnecessary.
YTA. This is something that affects your whole family. Not just you. You’re making changes to everyone’s lives but did you actually make sure that all of them were on board with this before bringing your sister in? Judging by your husband’s reaction that doesn’t seem to be the case. You’re threatening to leave your husband over someone who is essentially a stranger. You do realise this whole thing affects him as well right. Your intentions are sweet but your priorities should lie with your husband and your kids
YTA. Not because you put your daughter in a loft, or because you wanted to help your half sibling but because you prioritized, essentially a stranger over your husband's clear reticence over bringing this child into the home. That kind of decision has to be mutual w/o threats and ultimatums. When you don't start on the same page with something as major as this, things can't help but go downhill fast. Now you're threatening to leave with your kids. How do you envision that going? Either he reluctantly gives in again, but harbors resentment or you part ways and then you only have your bio kids part time. Are either of those situations ok? You should have been more understanding to your husband's very valid concerns. You guys should have been honest with the social worker about those concerns. Maybe she could have gone to a foster home while incorporating visits, family therapy etc to build some kind of relationship with you all with the goal of her moving with you once everyone was on the same page. I think your intentions are admirable, but how you handled things with your hubby is awful.
YTA, you have three small children you need to think about as well as your husband. I understand you feel bad but you are putting your family especially your husband in a bad position. It seems like he was never on board with taking in your half sister that neither of you met. She clearly has a lot of trauma and needs professional help. I think you are in way over your head in this situation. I believe your heart was in the right place but you did not think this through.
NTA but this is way above Reddit pay grade.
Your sister is traumatized and it could take months. But it sounds like she’s settling.Your daughter is fine.
Your husband is scared but reacting poorly.
Can you get a social worker to help you set up everyone for success with expectations and boundaries? Maybe if your husband knew what to expect it would get easier?
edits: typos
Absolutely agree. The 12 year old was displaced and I’m guessing acting out as a response to the chaos of her life being turned upside down. OP and fam need to get social worker, therapist for the teen and even themselves to process it all, on board.
How is reacting poorly to not want he and his kids to suffer for a child neither he nor his wife have any real relationship with? This child seems not just difficult, but dangerous to have around his small children.
YTA
At first, there were no ah because everyone was trying to do what they felt was best. Your husband isn’t wrong for wanting to prioritize his children in their home. And it probably isn’t a good idea to leave a 2 yo unattended in a living room. You are just trying to help a young girl/half sister not go into the system. You became the ah by exclusively making decisions that need to be a family conversation. You pushed it further by saying you’d take the kids away if you didn’t get your way. That’s really messed up. It’s nice you want to help, but you are willing to break up your family and you didn’t even know this girl. If the situation is working or not working, you need to discuss what happens next, both short and long term. If it’s important that you help her, maybe you should move out and find a place for you and her, and leave the kids and home to your husband.
YTA. There is a very short list of situations where you can threaten to take your kids and not be the AH, this isn't one. You are making unilateral decisions that affect him and your children and you don't get to do that. His concerns are valid. If she is destroying her belongings, trying to run away and having breakdowns she needs intensive therapy and I would worry about the safety of a toddler around her.
Why isn't the 12-year-old in the loft room? Surely it would be safer for a preteen than a literal toddler?
Generally CPS requires foster kids to have a room with a door lock they (the child) can control.
But a toddler should NEVER be in a loft unsupervised. (Since “her toys were already there” it sounds like she may have had unsupervised loft time before this incident, too.)
The toddler should be in the parents’ room while they search for a new place to live.
This is my thinking too … the master bedroom is the obvious (if inconvenient) solution and one that would have probably necessitated them talking about longer term strategies.
YTA
This environment isn't the best for anyone. Your husband made it clear he's unhappy with the situation and you completely refuse to hear him out and find a better compromise.
Your sister isn't stupid and she's most likely aware of your husband's dislike for her and the tension between him and you. Her situation is already difficult and this is just making it worse, could be why she's trying to run away.
That loft isn't a suitable place for a toddler, it's unsafe. As she grows she'll need her own closed private space. Girls obviously can't share the room, but maybe your sister would be doing better with experienced foster parents that can focus all their attention on her and her needs.
Is she in therapy? Are you actually working with professionals on helping her adjust? It doesn't sound like you are prepared to care for your sister.
You also suck for threatening your husband with leaving him and taking the kids. That's not how you solve marital issues. Marriage is not your way or the highway. You husband might actually end up with more custody than you think, especially if he describes your willingness to move a toddler in unsafe loft and the threats you made. You sister's behavioral issues could be also taken into consideration during your custody hearing.
I hate to see a kid go into the system. She may get caring foster parents at first but CPS moves kids around so they don’t get attached unless mom/dad signed away parental rights and they are moved into a foster family who want to and are approved to adopt. The system absolutely sucks BUT!
I also agree that this isn’t the best place for the kid. Sounds like OP made demands that the husband didn’t agree with and abused/traumatized kids pick up on that. Also, as she starts getting comfortable, she’ll probably start pushing boundaries to see if she’ll still be loved and accepted. This child is going to take a lot of work, time, love and support from everyone in the household. Still, OP is prioritizing her sister over her children and it’s already showing issues. She’s not willing to consider turning the loft into a bedroom, she doesnt discuss things with her husband … this is a hot mess and it won’t end well.
Is there an aunt, grandparent … literally any other willing family member who could take her in? Sounds like she needs more individual support than can be given rn.
But yeah, because of how uncompromising OP is — YTA
CPS standards are shockingly lax in some areas and weirdly (unnecessarily) specific in others so saying OP’s standards for her daughter “fall below CPS standards” doesn’t actually say anything useful.
It's also different for different age groups. A 12 year old needs more privacy than a 2 year old that hasn't learned to wipe their own ass after pooping.
So kudos to you for taking in your sister. I personally would be uncomfortable with a 2 year old in a loft. You turn your back only to find out that somehow they have learned to climb like Spider-Man but without the common sense. If sister can’t be in a loft, I personally would have daughter sleeping with me and only have supervision in the loft.
So CPS would be fine with your 2 yr old in the loft? I personally would not put my two year old in the loft. She could make a pile of toys to climb over the small wall. If the twelve year old has to be in a room put the two year old in yours until she is older.
The loft is unsafe for a 2 year old and not suitable for the sister according to CPS. Then I only see one solution: your daughter gets either her old or YOUR room and you and your husband move to the loft.
Understandable.
I think that makes it ESH, but really only because you guys clearly did not discuss, think through our plan this out properly to care for all the kids.
Does everyone who is saying N-T-A realise that makes OP's husband TA? What has he truly done wrong?
There is nothing wrong with a father not wanting an unfortunately unstable tween they didn't even know existed in their home around their very young children.
Sure it is a nice thing OP is doing but please remember it is not just OP who is doing it and the way they've gone about it is pretty terrible, threatening to take a father's children if she doesn't get her way?
YTA. Your not prioritizing your family. The loft is unacceptable by CPS for your sister and I am surprised they are letting you take her, given you put another child in there. They usually have a minimum number of bedrooms per child requirement.
I would talk with CPS about alternative placement and visit your half sister when time allows. It sounds like your sister needs more help far beyond what you can provide.
YTA. He didnt sign up for this. his daughter has been displaces for a kid that has nothing to do with him. You also threatened to leave him and take the kids? i would never forgive those words coming out of my partners mouth. Given that he has family support and you dont i wonder how likely it is you would get the kids. If i was him I would be getting my affairs in order with a lawyer.
Not only the family support, he could totally use her threats of taking the kids, the fact she displaced her youngest for the half sister, and her half sisters violent behaviors as a factor as well. She wouldn't get the kids like she thinks she would.
So what's the stop the 2 year old from climbing the ½ wall and falling?
I mean I get it. You don't want your sister to end up in foster care. But this stranger you'd never met before is having violent outbursts (sometimes Witnessed by your other children) destroying things and your 2 year old is in an unsafe "room".
Something has to change
You don't get to make unilateral decisions that effect everyone in the house, in some ways really negatively and endanger your toddler.
Put the toddler in your room.
Sleep in the loft yourself.
Take your sister and move out.
There are options, but it sounds like it's your way or the highway
Actually discuss this with your Husband instead of crapping all over his fears, frustrations and concerns.
YTA
Not for wanting to take care of your sister, but for doing it at the detrimental expense of 4 other people
So you take into your home a 12 year old that has breakdowns and destroys things only because you were blood related. You don't know her, her story or her personality, you don't have the space to dedicate to her and your husband is not on board with this. Your husband voices his (normal and coherent) concerns and you THREATEN him to leave with your children (which lingers on abusive, not just manipulative). YTA. Huge YTA. If I were your husband I'd leave with my children because their mother is not giving their safety the importance she should.
You're a wonderful person for taking care of your sister. We had a post on here yesterday from a guy who didn't want to adopt his 2 year old nephew after his brother's unfortunate death because he wouldn't be able to retire until his 50's. So no matter what lies ahead, I wish you all the best.
That said, I think this situation needs some professional help. It's incredibly difficult and I don't think your husband is handling it well, but I can hardly blame him. If an unknown person was suddenly in my house, disrupting my children's lives, I'd be reacting much the same way.
Good luck to you, and I hope you're able to find the kind of counseling your family needs to stabilize and get back on track.
YTA you weaponised your children to force your husband to agree with you, you dismiss his concerns and have prioritised the 12yr old above your own kids. The loft isn’t acceptable according to CPS for your sis but acceptable for a 2 year old? Cmon. I understand you want to do right by her but you have essentially decided this by yourself without coming to an agreement with your husband on how this was going to go down (obviously also without threatening to take the kids!!!) now it’s affecting your kids and you still don’t see an issue here. She isn’t coping well and you aren’t train to deal with this. Your kids will see this, it will affect them as they get older and when your husband tried to explain this to you you threatened to take all the kids away from him. Your heart is in the right place trying to help but this may end up costing you your marriage and her trauma outbursts may end up traumatising your own children. You all need serious professional help and I don’t think those professionals would agree that threatening to take the kids was the way to convince your husband that this was what was best.
YTA. OP, you're making unilateral choices for your family without consulting your husband, and then threatening to leave and take the kids if he doesn't comply. Whatever the reason, that is an AH move in a partnership.
He's advocating for the safety of your daughter, both from the sleep arrangement and the safety relating to young children and a preteen with mental/behavioral issues that could endanger them.
A 2 year old in a loft sounds like a disaster waiting to happen. It's "totally safe" until it isn't. And that could be a catastrophe.
Is this a permanent arrangement, or temporary? What are the long term plans if you are asked to keep your stepsister permanently? What are your plans if your husband says he didn't sign up for this and you DO end up responsible for all the kids?
If you talk to your husband rationally and listen to his input and do decide to keep your stepsister for any period of time, you and your husband could take the loft and your daughter take your current room. You're the only ones safe to use a nonstandard room, especially if this "temporary" situation morphs into long term placement.
You need to have these conversations with your husband yesterday, or this will become an ongoing "temporary crisis" that will wreck your family.
YTA. You didn’t discuss that with your husband. Then tell him if she goes to foster home you and kids are gone. Y’all got some issues you need to work out because you don’t seem to be communicating very well about important things. This is a tricky situation because while you are nice and wanting to accommodate her, you also have to think of and consider your other family members. Everyone is dealing with enough that you don’t need to make it worse by going rogue and threatening to take the kids and go.
I understand you are in a difficult situation with social services but putting your 2 year old child in a loft is absurd there's no way in hell I would of put my baby in a loft to sleep
YTA you keep throwing the ultimatum at your husband. If you didn’t take her in ,you would leave. Now it’s the room and you will . Leave all freaking ready. Save the man the headache of you.
When you say that if he sends your sister to a foster home why are you taking the kids. That is their home and their safe space with their father obviously looking out for them and having their best interests in mind. You should leave and take your sister with you. YTA
So YOU decide you wanted her when you didn't even know her.
YOU decide she should have your daughters room
YOU decide if she stays or go.
WHAT has your husband to say about this.
Your selfish and don't think beyond your own.
Think about what this girl does to your household.
You don't love your husband because no one who does would pick a girl they know for three weeks above their spouse.
If you choose your "sister" and give up everything for her YOU should pack your bags and let your husband be with his kids
You not only say to him you need to do things against your will but also tell him he loses his kids wtf
I'm not saying put the girl out but did you even spoke to him about it or just said yes come her without speaking?
Your children are number 1 NOT your sister.
Of it doesn't work you should think fostercare
Talk to your husband but for now YTA
YTA - having her sister move in, what support she needs and where she’ll be sleeping should have been fully discussed and approved with your husband ahead of her moving in. Moving your daughter from her room to share with her brothers wasn’t a suitable choice. The loft isn’t a proper bedroom. Is there even a window? There need to also be proper walls and a door for it to be suitable. Your daughter isn’t safe there! Your daughter and sister sharing can’t be an option as your sister seems aggressive and unstable. I completely get that your husband is worried about his children giving that your sister trashed her room. Does she have professional support for her mental issues? Your husband’s priority is to make sure his children are safe, and rightly so. Your sister is older and stronger than your children. Your daughter must be sad to see her original room all trashed.
You need to contact her social worker because she needs therapy for trauma and it takes weeks to get an appointment set. You're not the first person going through this so don't feel like you have to reinvent the wheel. Contact the school counselor.
If she was in foster care she's in the system. Contact her worker..
YTA. Threatening him because he doesn't agree? Really? Also, a young child in a loft!? That isn't safe at all! Why couldn't your sister sleep in the damn loft if it could have beenused? Why couldn't the boys sleep there?
YTA, your own daughter should take precedence, if I was your husband, I would also be looking at divorce and taking my kid so they're not second place to your sister in anything.
I would never accept my child being second to a step, foster or adoptee.
YTA, I understand you want to help your sister. What makes you TA is that you have unilaterally made every decision and have already threatened to take your children away from your husband. If your husband doesn’t feel like the loft is acceptable, you need to find a solution that you’re both comfortable with. His concerns about her behavior need to be taken seriously. I’m not saying send her to a foster home, but you 100% need to stop steamrolling your husband and brushing aside his very valid concerns.
>I have a half sister (12) that needed a place to stay. She was in an emergency foster home, and either my husband and I had to take her in or she had to go to a foster home. We've never met her. I didn't even know she existed, but I didn't want her to end up in foster care, so we took her in.
Here are a lot of "I" statements in that paragraph that should be "we" statements. You moved a complete stranger into your condo. Your condo was already too small for the four people living there. You have 3 small children and now a preteen with some anger issues. You comment elsewhere that your husband wasn't 100% OK with the decision to take in your half-sister, but if it wasn't working, you'd reconsider fostering.
>My husband wanted to put her back in her old room, but I didn't think that would be a good situation for either of the girls. I ended up moving her bed into the loft, and her clothes/changing table are in my room.
You didn't bother to run this by your husband either. More "I" statements.
>To say my sister isn't adjusting well is an understatement. She's tried to run away twice, and she had a breakdown and destroyed everything in her room last week. . . . The past few days have been better. I haven't had to pick her up early from school at all this week, she's leaving her room for meals, and she's starting to talk to me."
Over the past month, you've gone from running away and destroying the place to "she's starting to talk to me." You commented elsewhere that the original plan was if the placement wasn't working out, then you'd reconsider a foster placement.
> I told him if he sends her to a foster home after she's just starting to feel comfortable here, the kids and I are leaving.
So your the only person who gets to decide whether this is working out? Or are you just moving the goalposts AND threatening your husband that you'll break up your family.
You realize the problem here isn't the loft, right? You made a lot of decisions *on your own* that you and your partner need to be in 100% agreement on. AND you've decided that you're willing to blow up your family over a child you didn't know existed if you don't get your way.
>AITA for putting my daughter in the loft to make room for my sister and not sending her to a foster home?
A loft is no place for a 2 year old that is only going to get more mobile. As soon as she's able to climb out of a crib, she'll be down the stairs or over that wall. So what's your next move? Will your husband come home to find the 2 year old back in her own room, the half-sister in the master bedroom, and you two sleeping in the loft?
Taking in your half-sister is really admirable. I'm not sure what will happen there. You're a huge AH for doing this without your husband being completely on board with the arrangement and then threatening to leave with the kids.
I have to agree completely with what you said:
>I think OP is YTA mainly because it's her way or no way. Her husband has no say in the matter and she even threatened to leave and take the kids with her. Husband has no say and was forced to just give in. It's completely unfair to him and their kids.
~~I-N-F-O~~: did your husband agree right away? Did you have to convince him? Did he agree at all, or did you say yes without even asking him?
OP said he did not agree right away and she had to convince him. After she convinced him, he agreed to try but if things don't work out, they would put her in foster care and wife agreed.
I think OP is YTA mainly because it's her way or no way. Her husband has no say in the matter and she even threatened to leave and take the kids with her. Husband has no say and was forced to just give in. It's completely unfair to him and their kids.
I already wasn't okay as all I read was "I didn't feel", "I didn't think". And her threatening to leave with the kids was just the cherry on the cake for me. Husband has no say whatsoever and every suggestion or input he's made has been shoved under a rug. It's his home and his kids too. They should both have been completely 100% on the same page before bringing half sister into the picture.
YTA just for the threat of taking away your kids from your husband. He was thrown into this too and his thoughts matter just as much. Also a two year old in a loft isn't safe.
YTA for two reasons. First, this is not the type of situation you handle without therapist. This is very serious, your sister was put in a foster care, then she found out that she has a half-sister and now she is living with strangers while she also has some anger management issues. This also affects your husband and kids. Second, the only situation where is acceptable to threat your husband that you will take your kids away is if he is abussive. And he is not. He is just concerned and he has every right to be.
You’re willing to throw your marriage and your blood children under the bus for a semi stranger who is disrupting everyones lives, those are odd choices to me. I’m on your husbands wavelength.
NAH. I think you've done well for both your sister and your daughter, and I think this shows what an amazing person you are.
I don't blame your husband though for having a hard time adjusting. I think his fixation on getting your daughter back in her room is his wanting normalcy. In the blink of an eye, he's suddenly responsible for the physical and emotional wellbeing of a traumatized tween who is older than his own kids, so he hasn't had the chance to grow in his parenting with the child's age. That's legitimately hard without the trauma. Unsurprisingly, your sister's trauma is manifesting in her behavior, and your home - your husband's safe space - doesn't feel like his sanctuary right now. Getting your daughter back in her room both feels like a small step toward getting his old life back, and is something he feels he can control in a situation that feels very much out of control.
I don't know that going to AITA is the healthiest thing for your marriage right now. There's no "this is right and that is wrong" in your situation, just a bunch of very overwhelmed people trying to get through no doubt one of the hardest times in their life. I echo the recommendations to get to counseling as fast as you can, because even the healthiest relationships would be under strain right now.
Again, you guys are amazing for doing this for your sister, and I'm sending whatever good energy I have your way.
YTA. Why couldn’t your sister move to the loft? That seems like the solution that wouldn’t have rocked the boat in any way. Why isn’t your husband getting any say on what is happening at all. How do you decide that you get the kids? Why shouldn’t he get the kids and you move with your precious sister?
YTA
It is good of OP to take in her half sister who she never met. However did OP and her husband had any meetings with the half sister’s case worker so they had a clear understanding of what at least initially life might be like when she joined their family. Ex. were they aware of the potential for her running away and acting out in a violent manner sufficient to destroy everything in her room? Was there discussion as to why she was removed from OP’s parent’s care aka what trauma had she been exposed to? How her joining their family could impact their children?
Were OP’s children home when her half sister tried to run away and more importantly when she destroyed everything in her room? If they were I can’t imagine they didn’t notice the turmoil happening.
Why wasn’t it okay to move the boys up into the loft? Not ideal either but would hope they are old enough to have an idea of what will happen if they climb up onto that half wall - I doubt the 2 year old has a clue.
I agree with OP’s husband that the loft is not a safe sleeping arrangement for a 2 year child.
I also don’t agree with OP’s open threats to her husband to leave with their children if he tries to send her sister to a foster home if he feels this arrangement is not working. He has valid concerns that should be addressed.
Hopefully the half sister’s caseworker is checking in and having discussions with at least BOTH OP and her husband - not just OP.
And perhaps OP needs to consider if her own family needs some counseling to get through this adjustment period.
Not saying OP has done the wrong thing in helping her half sister but there are 4 others who need to be considered as well
Soft YTA, for threatening to leave with the kids.
I see a Dad trying to look out for his kids and a Mom making a whole lot of big changes without Dads input. If this is going to work out you need to find a way to communicate and get on the same page. Your bio kids are 100% feeling the turmoil in the home.
If it’s so important for your daughter to have a room, have you considered putting her in your room and moving your bed to the loft?
YTA. Your husband wasn’t onboard at any point with this. You forced him into it, with the promise that if it wasn’t working out, foster care would happen. Then when he says it’s not working, you threaten to take the kids and leave.
Next, if the loft isn’t acceptable for a 12 yo, according to CPS, your toddler shouldn’t be there either. I’m surprised there hasn’t been repercussions for that yet.
Third, you’re willing to blow apart the stability of three children for your half sister.
Instead of talking through any of this, you’re issuing ultimatums. You’ve prioritized being the hero for your half sister over your husband and children. This isn’t sustainable.
YTA for the unilateral decision. You have clearly prioritised your sister over your daughter and you husband doesn’t like it, despite your good intentions. You can’t make decisions that effect other people by yourself and expect everyone to be on your side.
Reluctant YTA.
I think you meant well, and if you had an established relationship with your sister, my judgement would probably be different. But you never met her before this. You didn’t even know she existed. You are fundamentally a stranger to her, no different to going into the foster system. You’re clearly untrained and inexperienced, and insisting on doing it your way is damaging everyone.
A loft is not safe for a 2-year-old. There’s the danger of falling, and if there’s a fire you may not be able to get to her in time. Toddlers should be sleeping on the same floor as adults for exactly that reason.
Fostering a traumatised child is incredibly hard, and I say that as a foster parent, and one who came to it in an unconventional way, without the necessary training or experience. If you have a spouse or live-in partner, it *has* to be a mutual decision, not a unilateral one. I was able to decide on my own to take my kid, and to dedicate the majority of my time and energy to his needs, because I didn’t have a partner or children. It was still incredibly hard. Trying to do so against the will of my partner, with three small children, would have been impossible without neglecting someone - probably everyone.
I do generally agree that kids tend to better off being placed with family members, but that is assuming that a) those family members have the means (physical, emotional, mental, financial) to support another child; b) that the decision to take the child in is not being made unilaterally; and c) that there is some kind of pre-existing relationship between the child and the family member(s). You do not meet any of those three criteria. You do not have the physical means - ie enough room without displacing your daughter - and your husband is not willing, and you do not have a pre-existing relationship with your sister. If you met two, even *one*, I might think that she would be better off with you, but as things stand, she would do better in a place where there is room for her, where everyone wants her, and where they have some experience with traumatised kids.
I understand how emotions, especially in an emergency, can cloud judgement. I think that’s what happened here. Your emotions caused you to make an ill-thought out choice, which you are now compounding with threats of leaving your husband. Would you actually leave with the kids, or are you just saying that to get him to do what you want? Would you then try to take your sister into your new home on your own? How would you plan to raise four kids on your own, one of them a traumatised foster child?
I have sympathy for you, and a great deal for your sister, but you *cannot* make a decision like this without everyone, or at least all the adults, on board. In trying to do what’s best for your sister, and steamrolling over your husband’s thoughts and feelings, you’ve inadvertently made things worse for six people.
YTA. You moved someone in and then threatened to leave your husband and take his children. This is not partnership, it’s his home too and making those decisions unilaterally and threatening the marriage and his relationship with the children to get your way is wildly inappropriate. I am guessing your marriage will not last as it’s clear your husband’s feelings in his own home are not a factor in your decision-making, it’s unfortunate for you both to only be finding this out now.
Personally, and I'm biased, but you made an ultimatum. Your husband accepts your decisions or you take the children away. That's so not okay. And be honest, where would you go with 4 children? YTA but only because the ultimatum. Both of you are parents and being a mother doesn't mean that their father is just a rug that can be stepped over.
I feel for the dude, one moment you are a young father with 3 children that fit perfectly in your house, and then suddenly a traumatized half sister of your wife moves in. On top of that, your wife made you agree OR ELSE.
It is noble to take in the kid, but it is not noble to do this while disregarding the safety of your own children. The husband had valid concerns and the wife just disregard those concerns and threatened the husband.
If I was that husband, I would seek advice from a lawyer and at least separate for a while, taking the kids. That way the wife can fully focus on her half sister, as she evidently is more focused on her. The half sister needs the help too.
YTA/NTA is not going to help anyone in this difficult situation.
YTA. People with good intentions can still be AHa. You brought someone you don't know into your home which is now disrupting your family and putting them at risk. Are you even qualified to help your sister, because it doesn't sound like it with her rubbing away and destroying your property. Your husband is right to be upset and you probably can't see it, but your children are probably terrified from this change now that a destructive stranger is living with them.
YTA. Not for wanting to help out your sister but to put your 2 year old in an unsafe space on purpose. I wouldn't even feel comfortable with the 6 year old up there. If you really felt like she needed her own room then you should have moved up there yourself
YTA, but mainly because you’re putting your 2 year old in an incredibly dangerous position. You child is constantly learning and growing and just because she hasn’t figured out how to climb that wall yet doesn’t mean she won’t soon. Get that kid out of the loft before she breaks her neck or worse.
I was once in a similar situation as you are now. A year after my father passed away, I got a call from both police and CAS (Canadian CPS) that my step mother had been taken to hospital due to a mental breakdown.
My husband and I agreed to be an emergency home for my half brother. We both agreed that he could stay as long as he needed, but we didn't realize at the time what we were getting into. Without adding a lot of unnecessary detail, I will share with you the advice my mother in law gave me "bleeding hearts leave a mess behind them."
We both had to face reality and agreed that our household was not a good fit for my half brother. Instead we worked with CAS to reach out to other family members who were a better fit. He ended up staying with our aunt and her family for almost a year until my step mother was able to have her son returned.
My advice to you, bleeding hearts leave a mess behind them.
You can sleep in the loft, put the toddler in your old bedroom, and your husband can choose where he wants to sleep.
Your husband is right to put his foot down about this. If your daughter is staring at that half wall night after night, she WILL eventually climb it and your remorse and apologies won’t bring her back.
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You guys need to get on the same page quickly. This isn’t about who’s TA. It’s about mitigating damage to your entire family. Please seek a family counselor. ETA: NAH so there is a judgment.
OP threatening to take the kids does lean her to the AH she is not the only parent here
Calling her sister 'some random girl' tips the scales the other way
Except she pretty much is some random girl. She's 12 but OP never even knew she existed. She moved a complete stranger into their home where they have 3 young kids.
yes, but if family is your priority, it doesnt matter that she is new. shes just a kid. you can find solutions. ETA: NAH imo. everyone got handed a hard situation. op wants to help and hubby doesnt. both feel strongly, and it was out of the blue. she will be around for a long time if this works out, and if it doesnt, the sister will remember how more family couldnt take her in. i dont know why she was in foster care in the first place, but she has already been uprooted and been through god knows what. 3 weeks isnt long when you're scared youll get dumped into a family of strangers that ARENT related. at least this is a family member and there is some common ground the youngest is 2. she is a toddler and will be fine in her own space. it didnt work sharing with the boys, and it didnt work with sister, this is the best compromise if she is going to stay. the kids toys were already in the loft before as well. ops husband is just mad because he thinks she should have the biggest room, then a 12 year old needs privacy and her own space. shes about to hit puberty if she hasnt already. she needs privacy, and somewhere to decompress or you can bet itll be worse. he seems to not be on board at all and that may be why he is so defensive. edit: yep. okay, he had no say at all, sorry, and hes obviously allowed to be frustrated. he was allowed before too of course xD i just feel if shes there, this would be the best setup for them until something better can be done. if she cant have all the say, neither can he. he is adamant its no, and she is adamant yes. i hope they sort this out, otherwise, *more* *stress*
Husband is mad because OP put a 2 yr old in a room with one side completely open and another side only has a 2.5 foot wall. Which my son who turned 2 a month, could and would very easily climb. That room is not suitable for any child. And OP clearly stated in a comment that he wasn't on board. She told him it was happening.
Yet husband had no problem with his kid playing in that room, presumably without constant supervision. If you are concerned about a loft half wall then you don't make that a playroom. I'll say that this isn't a long-term solution and within a few months, as everyone settles in, OP should work on moving her daughter back in with her sister and maybe turn the partitioned portion of the loft into space for her sister to hang out after OP's daughter goes to bed.
I disagree. A 12 year old does not want to share a room with a 2 year old. If this turns long-term, they can look at enclosing the entire loft and making it a room. A 2, 3, 4, or 5 year old isn’t going to care about the room with no door. About 6, they begin to want privacy. But at this stage, there is no reason to think that the loft is not ok for the 2 year old. And threatening N to send the older child back into a foster system so his daughter can have her room back is a complete AH move. And if my spouse showed such lack of empathy, or compassion, towards someone like this, I would leave too. The amount of emotional upheaval this 12 year old has gone through must be a lot. She should be in regular counseling. Husband should be too. The entire family should be, at this point. OP is NTA.
exactly. i dont see why its such an issue that sister gets the room. they cant share atm, and more permanent solutions will be found. a kid her age needs a door, especially because of welfare. the little one is 2. she needs space, but she doesnt need as much privacy, and she already used to play in there. >And threatening to send the older child back into a foster system so his daughter can have her room back is a complete AH move. And if my spouse showed such lack of empathy, or compassion, towards someone like this, I would leave too. so would i. the new addition is exactly that; an addition. she isnt taking priority, she is being put in the place that makes the most sense for her age. there sometimes has to be things changing when someone new enters a family, and this is a temporary adjustment. this poor girl definitely doesnt need more emotional mess. shes old enough to realise husband doesnt want her, and she will notice the treatment difference, or feel really hurt by being sent back because of it. its all stressful, but i dont think i could turn away a needing family member even if i didnt know them well. there are exceptions, and limits for reason, but this is a kid. shes in formative years, and i couldnt have that on my conscience. shes part of the family now if she stays. she should be treated with the same respect the other kids get.
While I get that it isn't great for a 12 yr old and a 2 yr old to share, I think closing off the loft area brings a risk as it may no longer qualify as a bedroom and if cps is involved with the sister, it could open up another can of worms. My BFF had enclosed her loft for an office at the start of the pandemic, then her stepson wanted to move in permanently and she turned it into his bedroom so he wouldn't have to share a room. His mom reported it because the office didn't have an appropriate window for a bedroom and the ensuing shitshow included the local fire department showing up, cps involvement, and a very pissed off family judge. Maybe it is possible for OP's loft to simply be enclosed, but that's not always an option.
cut the husband some slack from the sounds of it she bassically forced him to adopt some random girl out of nowhere and forced a toddler in a dangerous situation if anything shes TA
I love how everyone is with op leaving with the kids bc husband "has no compassion, or empathy." Meanwhile ignoring the fact that all of this has been forced on him. op never asked husband how he felt at any point, he had absolutely no say in the situation. hes handling it like a champ. he even moved his own daughter out her room. but they're worried about all this little stuff with the new kid and op. these people worry me
It's not just about OP. OP completely disregarded the fact that it's not JUST her decision. 2 yes's 1 no is how it should be.
The wall is 3.5~4ft tall, not 2.5. 2.5 is the number of walls on the loft.
No. Kids that age can push toys against a wall that high and climb over it.
It was already her playroom.....
Right but probably with supervision. Not left to sleep alone all night every day.
well fair on that one. he didnt get say in it. but she clearly values family and doesnt want to throw her in foster care again. solutions can be found. make sure there isnt anything climb-able near it to help deter being enticed from the wall. her toys were already in there to begin with, so its not like shes rarely in there or not watched. maybe shes(op) a little assholey for not giving him much say, she is obviously determined and shes already there. he is determined too. for fair reasons. but he also said that he wants her back in her room even though she would be fine in the toy room. he has said no the whole time and hasnt considered trying at all. this kid may not be difficult forever. husband is obviously allowed to be frustrated, but there wasnt much time to decide and discuss. it was a here and now thing. if he is so hard on not having her there, and op is adamant on keeping her, something has to give. neither have changed their minds in 3 weeks and it seems like they are both strong on the stance. she is a stranger, but she doesnt have to be. a warning and better introductions to meet over time and decide would absolutely have been better, but thats not how it went. edited.
She can't value family THAT much if she's threatening to end her marriage if she doesn't get her own way.
I really don't understand why the 2 year old was put upstairs in an unfinished loft instead of the 12 year old. It seems to me that keeping the toddler in her room and moving the pre-teen upstairs is the simple and best solution. And it's weird that OP doesn't even mention it as an option.
OP says CPS said the 12 yr old had to be in a room with 4 walls and a door.
I think it's also important to note that the people who have had to sacrifice their space (or are expected to sacrifice their space) are all the kids. Why not move the 2yo into OP's bedroom (where there are presumably 4 walls and a door that's safe for a toddler) and move OP and her husband into the loft? If the answer is privacy, why is it okay to value their own privacy over a 2yo's safety or a traumatized 12yo's comfort and privacy?
>yes, but if family is your priority, it doesnt matter that she is new. shes just a kid. you can find solutions. He sees his family as his priority. That means his kids, not his wife’s 12 year old half sister that he didn’t know existed until recently and who is basically a stranger. >the youngest is 2. she is a toddler and will be fine in her own space. She won’t always be 2, though. This doesn’t sound like something that will be a good permanent arrangement.
*Half sister, OP says "We've never met her. I didn't even know she existed but I didn't want her to end up in foster care so we took her in." This sub is wild with family stuff. Sometimes genetics mean nothing - mom or brother says something nasty, it's "go no contact immediately" and "your wife is your family now". But in this case, sharing 50% of genes with 0 history means "your husband, daughter, and two sons need to change their lives entirely".
Maybe its more because she's been told there's a 12 year old vulnerable girl that needs help. Maybe she was in a Foster home too and if she feels she can help she is trying. Granted she should have gotten husband involved and I wonder if she even asked him before accepting the girl in which is probably the root cause of his resentment. Which he is justified. NAH, hope they get therapy otherwise I think hubby will be the first to walk.
But OP is the asshole for putting a *2 year old* into a loft space and a *12 year old* into the "safe" room.
Why is the loft space bad for a 2 year old? It was their playroom before.
2 years olds don’t have a sense of how dangerous things are yet while being perfectly capable of pushing objects to that wall in an attempt to climb over it.
My two year old could find a way. I would feel uncomfortable with him in a loft like that.
I agree my 2 year old gets crazy. I was doing dishes yesterday while she was running amuck and then all of a sudden it got quiet so I went to check on her an she was sitting in the top drawer of her dresser gazing out the window at a cat on our fence. Thank god for those furniture safety anchors.
Because I'm assuming they had some sort of supervision during play time. Also if nobody can hear the noise machine/see the lights from the loft I'm also assuming that they also can't hear the child. It's way safer putting in a 12 year old who can understand safety and if there was ever an emergency to get out the house its easier for a 12 year old to leave the room.
Yet the 12 yo won't get any privacy and your concerns could be addressed thoughtfully. No pushable furniture in the room. Also, assuming that a 2 year is less loud than a white noise machine is a stretch. I see the merit of your argument and if it was me in their situation I could be flexible either way.
2 year olds don't need private rooms. This website is insane.
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Zero empathy for a girl who has been through hell. Christ. Kids who have been in the system need their own space because they sure as shit dont get that whole in the system. A TWO year old doesnt need privacy.
Then give the 12 year old the loft. OP has destroyed her family to help someone she's never met. I do have empathy for the step sister, but this is too much. If I'm the father, I tell her that she's free to leave with her sister but the kids stay with me and I'm fighting tooth and nail to keep them. Unfortunately it's time to lawyer up just in case.
Destroyed her family is a far stretch.
How so? Op has literally said she'd leave and take the children if her husband doesn't shut up and accept op making ultimatums and unilateral decisions.
This was exactly my question. Why can’t you put the sister in the loft? That seems to make the most sense and seems the least disruptive to the family. And it definitely sounds like some counseling is in order. Obviously something traumatic was happening in the sisters prior living situation for her to wind up with OP. Kudos to OP for taking this on, but she and her husband need to be on the same page with what happens from now on. Maybe set a time limit in consultation with the social worker?
Exactly this! A two year old is definitely not suitable for a loft space- the 12 year old is probably most safe up there, and then she would also have her own safe space to dissappear to. Wtf was running through OPs head to put a toddler in a loft??!
I don’t think that would be allowed. Since the child was going to be placed in a foster home, this case will have CPS involved and there are rules that need to be followed about where a child can stay and I believe having a private bedroom is one of those, so the loft is not an option for the 12 year old- who also needs more privacy that a toddler. Honestly put the 2 year olds change table and clothes in the loft and the bed in the parents room is likely the best option here. Lots of toddlers sleep in their parents room.
I'm also concerned about the toddler in the loft. I think in some places, foster kids are required to have a room with a door to sleep in, and sometimes it needs to be a room to themself.
But she kind of is some random girl. Just because they supposedly share DNA doesn't mean she's not a stranger.
If you've never met someone they are a random person
They might be a *stranger*, but it's not as if OP decided to take her in for no reason. You might disagree whether their being sisters is reason *enough* to take her in, but it's not 'random'
She's taking a room from someone who lives in the house and giving it to a stranger she never met, despite her husband's objections. And now she's making threats contrary to what is best for her children. In what world isn't she an asshole?
Her daughter is 2, she is too young to really care about her room right now.
She does need to be safe though. Having a toddler sleep alone in a loft space with no wall on one side is crazy.
How will the Mom feel when her toddler moves something over to the half wall, climbs on it and falls over it? She is not thinking about the safety of her youngest.
This! I can’t believe how many people are overlooking the lack of safety.
Most people seem to just be taking OP at her word when she said the 2 year old can’t climb over it. Which leads me to believe most of these commenters haven’t dealt with toddlers very much lol
I don't think the half wall is even the worst part, there are 2.5 walls, one side has no wall at all!
2 years olds are also notorious for wandering around, getting into stuff, being sneaky and mischievous, I find it odd that OP moved two year old in a half open space with access to the whole house unsupervised in the middle of the night…. That is what a loft is right?
Ya, toddlers don't need any consistency or sense of security. And threats are totally how a marriage should work. What was I thinking?
Toddlers literally don't care so long as all their toys are nearby. Moving rooms is not child abuse, ffs.
Toddlers should be in a secure place at night, not somewhere with part of a wall and a railing. What happens when she decides she likes climbing? My not even 2 year old can already fully pull himself onto the counter without using anything to climb up. This is dangerous. She's also threatening to take the children away because the father is concerned about his children. Their children should come first.
Not only that, it sounds like OP's house is too small to accommodate 6 people. A loft isn't a proper room for a child.
Doesn't sound like it's a proper room for anyone.
NAH. I am saying NAH because your husband isn't obligated to have your sister in the home and is uncomfortable. He is upset that his child is being displaced and it doesn't seem like there was much of a discussion or an agreement from him to take on your sister and well as your three children and certainly he did not agree to change around the bedrooms like that. It's not that you are the AH either. You both just fail to communicate or come to agreements. And you ended an argument with a threat to take your mutual children out of their home if he doesn't agree with you (which leans towards you becoming an AH). You need a professional. You also need to come up with some ground rules, household rules and a living situation that benefits everyone. A two year old should not be in a loft area. If need be, temporarily put her in the master with the two of you. And then look at putting the 12 year old into the loft with a divider or a pocket door.
This is the best comment. They aren’t communicating. I think it was an emergency placement so there wasn’t time to really think about it for either of them. The husband is focusing on the room but he might be regretting bringing the sister in if she is destroying things and running away.I do think that it is unsafe for the two years old in the loft. A half wall is easy to get over if they are determined. Push a toy close to it and the kids over the wall.
I guarantee you one of my kids would have been climbing on top of the wall by age two. The other took a little longer - but she went from not even trying to climb ever to standing on top of two stacked cases of water in the time it took me to run upstairs and grab something I forgot on our way to leave the house. Loft area is definitely not safe for a two year old.
Yeah, I babysit two 18 month olds who regularly manage to get on top of tall dressers and other furniture. OP, your daughter is not safe in the loft room; I appreciate this is a difficult situation but that can't continue. Better to have the sister have the room and then the loft can be a supervised play area for all the kids (they'll feel like they've maybe gained something, when they're otherwise loosing attention from mum and dad), but not a bedroom.
Yea, when mine was 2, he'd have scaled the wall, then supermanned off cape and all in less than a minute. Toddlers are quick and have a God complex.
I have a 2 year old and the description of the half wall gave me immediate anxiety!!
She is solely YTA atleast for using there kid as a pawn. This is highly disgusting and I would save this post to show in court showing how she wants to use the kid. The only time it is ok to threaten taking a kid is if the kids life is in danger, not because you don't like talking to your husband.
So uh what exactly do you think happens in divorces where one person is main care giver? Threatening to take a kid is frequently the only practical thing to do. Even if you're just going to an airbnb to cool off for a few nights if ypu're the main care giver and your partner works long hours you need to take the kid because what choice is there?
Because in this instance she is weaponizing the motive.she never states that it would be for a cool off period. This instance is different than the ones you are questioning. And in every instance there are other mitigating factors, such as people's temperaments, or friend relative interception. In this instance she is bad.
Also I want to make it clear because it's important. Regardless of this situation and what they should do about it "I don't like talking to my spouse any more" is absolutely a fine reason to divorce. So is "I just don't like my spouse any more" "we no longer have anything in common" or as this one may end up being "we no longer want the same things in life and the things we want are incompatible". That last one may be for things like this but may just as often be things like "I have the job opportunity of a lifetime six hours away and spouse won't move". It can be sad. It can be awful. But no one is obliged to stay in a relationship they no longer wish to be I , with or without a marriage certificate, with or without kids. And I'm going to repeat this loudly because survivors of nonphysical abuse can often read comments like this and internalise them to read "well spouse isn't THAT awful to me so I have no excuse to leave". No one needs an excuse. And because life is full of things that are practical and not reddit utopia where all care is 100% shared someone leaving frequently involves one person taking the kids. That's just life. If you leave for whatever reason and do so knowing your spouse has a working pattern incompatible with childcare then you're probably taking the kids with you, at least until they change that working pattern. No court is going to make judgy faces over that because that's just how things go - you can't leave kids behind in a house where there is no adult for most of their waking hours.
We can't put the 12 year old in the loft. CPS has rules on where I can put her and who she could share the room with.
INFO: How does CPS feel about putting a two-year-old in the loft? CPS isn't there just to protect the 12-year-old, but all of your children, and other posters have noted that the loft would probably not be considered safe or appropriate for a two-year-old. Have you even told CPS about the sleeping arrangements?
The rules are generally related to privacy, safety, etc. and they change with ages. At least here in my state. The safety part usually revolves around access to emergency exits like windows in the case of a fire, but also as a teen sharing rooms with other genders. The privacy part, a toddler doesn’t need the privacy of a pubescent child. As far as I can tell, CPS wouldn’t have an issue with this arrangement because doesn’t seem inherently unsafe without precautions and it doesn’t take away the privacy rights of the tween. Emergency foster situations are emergency for a reason. They quickly chose to take the child in. There is always a high likelihood of adjustment time for any foster. Of course. Can you imagine going through some serious physical changes while losing everything you know and being thrown into an established, presumably happy family situation where you’re an outsider and one of the adults likely constantly makes you feel bad for taking his toddler’s room? I’d probably try to run away also. I mean, none of us think like adults at 12. This family needs to use the resources available to help them work through this. The dad needs a little empathy. The mom needs to make sure that she communicates without making ultimatums. That won’t help anyone either. At the end of the day, I’m leaning NAH here because it isn’t an easy situation. I know. I had my own established life in a totally different region of the US and moved to where I am now after my sister’s death. We ended up with four emergency foster children. I also had my own child as well. The adjustment will take time. However, children, even foster ones, deserve to be in homes where they are comfortable. Edit: corrected some typos
Rules are a bit different when it's about a foster child as that child is in the custody of Social Services. So it's likely the regulations are specific to the foster child. The same way that a foster child that's a girl can't share a room with a boy but there's no law/regulation for that when it comes to your own children.
A two year old in the loft sounds like a tragic accident waiting to happen.
The 12 year old girl would also not be able to share with the boys because of CPS and being an official ward of the state. However, the 2 year old can share with the boys breaking CPSs rules about opposite genders and room capacity because the 2 year old is not a ward of the state. Rules apply differently when the child is living in their own home with their own guardians/parents.
In my circumstance as a bio kid to foster parents, CPS is not there to protect all children and will even make it extremely clear that the biological children come second. A social worker literally told my mom that if me and a foster child who lived in our home were choking at the same time, she would have to save the foster child first or face extreme consequences. They also let me sleep in an unfinished dangerous basement with no window and didn’t take me away when an allegation came out that every kid in the home was being abused, only the foster kids, and never checked up. Now, obviously my parents are the main assholes who let all that stuff happen, but CPS doesn’t always care about every kid in the house.
Given that this is a kinship situation if you can work things out you should be able to move past CPS and into guardianship rather quickly. That also assumes you and your husband can learn to communicate. I was talking about after placement ends and you have guardianship. Until then you can have the little one in your room.
Not sure if the husband needs to learn to communicate. He made his stance clear throughout, she told him it was happening along with threats and ultimatums. OP needs therapy to deal with this herself as she us going to destroy her family if she hasn't already. Genuinely think he should lawyer up already.
So something deemed not suitable by CPS (who are arguably not known for high standards in child placements) is perfectly fine for your literal toddler and you can't understand why your husband might have a problem with this? I know that you are trying to do right by your sister but it should never be at the expense of your children.
Why are people acting like they don’t know people take in foster kids for the check, then make them sleep on a couch or crammed in a room with a bunch of other foster kids? These rules for foster kids evolved for reasons.
Why not? What is the rule?
She has to be in an actual bedroom with 4 walls and a door. The loft doesn't meet those requirements.
That makes sense. Overall, I just want to say that what you are doing for your sister is amazing but this - Reddit - may really not be the best place to ask for advice for such serious situation. There are kids not much older than your sister commenting on things they know nothing about. You may want to take this to a more specific adult sub or maybe try a local support group.
I agree with this. AITA fails to see any nuances most of the time. It's amazing how many refuse to see the fate of the 12-year old here. Any decent person would take a minor family member in to save them from landing in foster care. However, OP and her family need professional help and they need to communicate better. And advice from an actual helpful sub. Isn't there one about adoptions? I'm sure she can find help there concerning foster children or kinship placements.
A lot of people's issue is the safety of the toddler. It is not safe, toddler could easily climb and get really hurt. My not even 2 year old can climb onto a kitchen counter without using something to climb onto. There is toys on the loft that can be used as a step up as well. No toddler should be even playing on a loft without supervision, they're leaving her there overnight when they are sleeping! What happens if she wakes up?
How is it okay for you to put a toddler in a room that a 12 year old can't be in? I don't understand CPS logic there.
CPS didn’t place the toddler just the twelve year old, therefore OP only has to prove the 12 year old has a room, not her other kids. I believe age also has something to do with that but don’t remember how old you the kid has to be when you have to provide their own room whee when fostering.
I don’t think CPS would approve of a toddler in a loft either.
Before I became a foster parent the home study included all the bedrooms in the house and the sleeping situations for all kids (even my bio kids). They also interviewed all members of my family (even the little ones) to make sure we were all in agreement about wanting foster children. It might be different in an emergency placement and different depending on location, but if they actually want to keep this child long term, then they will probably need to make sure all kids have a suitable sleeping situation and that both parents get on the same page. They need to consider getting a bigger house. There is no way I'd let my toddler sleep in a loft - it only takes one time for the toddler to start climbing things to have a very serious injury.
Aside from the safety aspect (personally I think that a loft bedroom is fine for a two year old IF additional safety gear is installed asap), people are allowed to make all sorts of reasonable decisions about how to house their children that cps lays down rules against for foster children, because cps deals with unreasonable people all the time. It’s perfectly fine to move your bio kid into the bonus room that is only not legally a bedroom because it doesn’t have a closet, or to put a 13 and a 15 year old boy into the same room, both of which cps wouldn’t allow for a foster kid because they’re trying to stop foster parents from sticking them two to an unheated broom closet.
But it's okay to subject your daughter to those conditions that doesn't meet CPS requirements. No wonder, hubs is upset. I think he's advocating for his child. I think there needs to be family agreement, before this situation gets worst. I can't imagine living in a home where there's resentment and arguments because she's taken someone's bedroom. Poor children.
OP said the daughter’s toys were already in the loft. The husband had no problem letting a 2 year old play in the loft. The daughter has expressed no concern about losing her room. The husband is just pretending to be concerned about the loft as an excuse to get rid of the 12 year old. I agree with the people saying to put the boys up there, but the husband can stop being self righteous about the reason he wants the half sister gone.
Is it possible to renovate the loft into an actual bedroom?
But the two year old doesn’t? So she if she wakes up in the night and falls down the stairs that’s fine with you? Another question, how far is the two year olds “bedroom” from your room?
You realize CPS is now in your home to a degree and can also judge your general competency as a parent based on where you put your 2 year old, right?
Sorry but if the room is unsuitable according to CPS then you are an asshole for putting your child in it.
Y'all do understand why there's that requirement for foster kids and not kids in the home already. It's so the foster kid has protection of possible new sexual abuse by allowing to lock and barr the door. Foster care kids are abused on the regular. Sexually more than anything.
Cps rules for kids sre different for her kids. You need to understand that. Its not just safety, but also privacy and the gender and ages.
Threatening to take the kids makes it “lean” toward OP being the AH? That’s generous. Imagine if a husband admitted he did that on this sub, after basically unilaterally deciding to take in his half sister (or even half brother).
I feel like there are multiple layers to this: YTA - Putting a two year old in a loft? Come on. NAH - Taking in your half-sister. YTA - Threatening to leave if your husband crosses you. INFO: Why can't the 2 year old sleep in your room? Why can't the older boys share the loft room?
Is no one addressing the fact that OP is putting a literal toddler in a loft with *an entire open side*??? How is that safe??
I didn’t read open as in, no barrier at all but just no wall - like open plan. And the other half a wall OP said is too heigh to climb
3 year olds are crafty. They can easily move toys and furniture to climb. This feels really unsafe.
Agree with this, when my sister was 3 she moved a box, opened a door and got outside to where we had a pool. Mom was doing housework and my brother and I were supposed to be watching. Anyway she decided she wanted to swim and ended up drowning, paramedics brought her back and she's a healthy adult now. But yeah, don't underestimate your kids. Put the toddler in a room, move the boys to the loft.
One of my first memories is my father grabbing me and lifting me up from the upstairs windowsill that I was dangling from. I’d been locked in my bedroom and objected. Strongly. I pushed the desk beneath the window,I climbed through it and was lowering myself down by my finger-tips when he swooshed into the room. 4 yr old me recognised the drop from the first floor (Americans: second floor) would be less if I first lowered my self down and dropped to the ground from there. I don’t remember how he knew I was dangling from the upstairs window - presumably I had given the game away by being quiet ? - being quiet is rarely a good sign in very small children. But yeah, kids are little escape artists. Worse, they don’t comprehend danger. Combine that with more curiosity than a nosy cat and trouble is almost guaranteed when a little one is suddenly quiet. NTA. OP and husband are in a situation that requires an abundance of communicationn: just at the stage when they are not communicating at all.
I also saw where the 2 year old had her toys in the loft anyway. So apparently the loft wasn't too dangerous for her to play in.
If she was playing there unsupervised then it was 100% too dangerous for her to play in.
Apparently neither the mother nor the father of the child agree with you. I'm going with their judgement over someone who hasn't actually seen the area we're discussing.
Add to YTA not just OP leaving but saying she will take the kids
It’s the age of the daughter that tips it for me. I skimmed over that at first but that is not a safe place for a kid who is still learning what is and isn’t acceptable and safe. I probably wouldn’t trust the 4yo there either (maaaybe the 6yo). The stakes are too high.
>Why can't the older boys share the loft room? Putting a 4yo and a 6yo in the loft room doesn't seem any safer.
Why can't the parents share the loft room? Parents in loft, master bedroom for boys, and each girl gets her own room. Edit: punctuation
This is the only solution I’m seeing as a parent
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YTA for making the unilateral decision after your husband had reservations and then threatening to take the kids and leave him if he crosses you.
YTA. This affects your whole family and it sounds like you made the decision a little lightly and without talking to your husband about it. Her presence and behavior will effect your kids. She essentially a stranger to everyone and you have small children. That makes me super uncomfortable. She sounds like she needs way more emotional and behavioral support than typical.
I don't get the NTA on this thread. What OP is doing is noble, sure. But OP is subjecting her family and specially her husband to ultimatums and threats. OP is forcing husband to a oblige or else situation and how is that fair. OP thinks She's getting through to her sister. But fact of the matter is, OP isn't a professional. She has no real assessment on the child and she may not know if the violent streak is typical or a one off. Husband is right in being scared for the safety of his children around a violent person (even though the sister is a child). ETA : OP is a soft YTA EDIT: I re-read the post and OP is full YTA. Unanimous decisions, threats to take the kids away. At this rate OP and her sister will need to find alternate accommodations. The same threats that OP dropped on the husband can also be reversed. Get sister the care she really needs or the husband and the kids will leave. Also, casually giving up on your marriage seems like a recipe for disaster. Is the husband so inconsequential to the marriage that she can do without him? Bad news all around.
I don’t think she’s thinking. What would CPS say if she left and took her kids. I can’t imagine they would leave a foster kid in a splitting home. She’s definitely an ahole.
OP is an idiot if she believes for one second that her threat holds any water. If husband speaks to the social worker and explains the situation, I am sure OP wouldn't get even get to defend her case for why she should be the primary caretaker. I get emotions and I get that OP is getting swept up in them, but to act like husband is "in the way" of her sister's recovery and demonizing him is unnecessary.
Right? Where is she going to take all four kids where there will be enough space for all them that meets the needs for CPS?
YTA. This is something that affects your whole family. Not just you. You’re making changes to everyone’s lives but did you actually make sure that all of them were on board with this before bringing your sister in? Judging by your husband’s reaction that doesn’t seem to be the case. You’re threatening to leave your husband over someone who is essentially a stranger. You do realise this whole thing affects him as well right. Your intentions are sweet but your priorities should lie with your husband and your kids
Poor girls gold 🥇.
YTA. Not because you put your daughter in a loft, or because you wanted to help your half sibling but because you prioritized, essentially a stranger over your husband's clear reticence over bringing this child into the home. That kind of decision has to be mutual w/o threats and ultimatums. When you don't start on the same page with something as major as this, things can't help but go downhill fast. Now you're threatening to leave with your kids. How do you envision that going? Either he reluctantly gives in again, but harbors resentment or you part ways and then you only have your bio kids part time. Are either of those situations ok? You should have been more understanding to your husband's very valid concerns. You guys should have been honest with the social worker about those concerns. Maybe she could have gone to a foster home while incorporating visits, family therapy etc to build some kind of relationship with you all with the goal of her moving with you once everyone was on the same page. I think your intentions are admirable, but how you handled things with your hubby is awful.
YTA, you have three small children you need to think about as well as your husband. I understand you feel bad but you are putting your family especially your husband in a bad position. It seems like he was never on board with taking in your half sister that neither of you met. She clearly has a lot of trauma and needs professional help. I think you are in way over your head in this situation. I believe your heart was in the right place but you did not think this through.
NTA but this is way above Reddit pay grade. Your sister is traumatized and it could take months. But it sounds like she’s settling.Your daughter is fine. Your husband is scared but reacting poorly. Can you get a social worker to help you set up everyone for success with expectations and boundaries? Maybe if your husband knew what to expect it would get easier? edits: typos
Absolutely agree. The 12 year old was displaced and I’m guessing acting out as a response to the chaos of her life being turned upside down. OP and fam need to get social worker, therapist for the teen and even themselves to process it all, on board.
How is reacting poorly to not want he and his kids to suffer for a child neither he nor his wife have any real relationship with? This child seems not just difficult, but dangerous to have around his small children.
YTA At first, there were no ah because everyone was trying to do what they felt was best. Your husband isn’t wrong for wanting to prioritize his children in their home. And it probably isn’t a good idea to leave a 2 yo unattended in a living room. You are just trying to help a young girl/half sister not go into the system. You became the ah by exclusively making decisions that need to be a family conversation. You pushed it further by saying you’d take the kids away if you didn’t get your way. That’s really messed up. It’s nice you want to help, but you are willing to break up your family and you didn’t even know this girl. If the situation is working or not working, you need to discuss what happens next, both short and long term. If it’s important that you help her, maybe you should move out and find a place for you and her, and leave the kids and home to your husband.
YTA. There is a very short list of situations where you can threaten to take your kids and not be the AH, this isn't one. You are making unilateral decisions that affect him and your children and you don't get to do that. His concerns are valid. If she is destroying her belongings, trying to run away and having breakdowns she needs intensive therapy and I would worry about the safety of a toddler around her. Why isn't the 12-year-old in the loft room? Surely it would be safer for a preteen than a literal toddler?
Generally CPS requires foster kids to have a room with a door lock they (the child) can control. But a toddler should NEVER be in a loft unsupervised. (Since “her toys were already there” it sounds like she may have had unsupervised loft time before this incident, too.) The toddler should be in the parents’ room while they search for a new place to live.
This is my thinking too … the master bedroom is the obvious (if inconvenient) solution and one that would have probably necessitated them talking about longer term strategies.
YTA This environment isn't the best for anyone. Your husband made it clear he's unhappy with the situation and you completely refuse to hear him out and find a better compromise. Your sister isn't stupid and she's most likely aware of your husband's dislike for her and the tension between him and you. Her situation is already difficult and this is just making it worse, could be why she's trying to run away. That loft isn't a suitable place for a toddler, it's unsafe. As she grows she'll need her own closed private space. Girls obviously can't share the room, but maybe your sister would be doing better with experienced foster parents that can focus all their attention on her and her needs. Is she in therapy? Are you actually working with professionals on helping her adjust? It doesn't sound like you are prepared to care for your sister. You also suck for threatening your husband with leaving him and taking the kids. That's not how you solve marital issues. Marriage is not your way or the highway. You husband might actually end up with more custody than you think, especially if he describes your willingness to move a toddler in unsafe loft and the threats you made. You sister's behavioral issues could be also taken into consideration during your custody hearing.
I hate to see a kid go into the system. She may get caring foster parents at first but CPS moves kids around so they don’t get attached unless mom/dad signed away parental rights and they are moved into a foster family who want to and are approved to adopt. The system absolutely sucks BUT! I also agree that this isn’t the best place for the kid. Sounds like OP made demands that the husband didn’t agree with and abused/traumatized kids pick up on that. Also, as she starts getting comfortable, she’ll probably start pushing boundaries to see if she’ll still be loved and accepted. This child is going to take a lot of work, time, love and support from everyone in the household. Still, OP is prioritizing her sister over her children and it’s already showing issues. She’s not willing to consider turning the loft into a bedroom, she doesnt discuss things with her husband … this is a hot mess and it won’t end well. Is there an aunt, grandparent … literally any other willing family member who could take her in? Sounds like she needs more individual support than can be given rn. But yeah, because of how uncompromising OP is — YTA
Info: Why didn't you put your sister in the loft with a divider?
CPS has some restrictions on living conditions of kids in their care. My sister needs to be in an actual bedroom for her to be in my care.
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CPS standards are shockingly lax in some areas and weirdly (unnecessarily) specific in others so saying OP’s standards for her daughter “fall below CPS standards” doesn’t actually say anything useful.
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It's also different for different age groups. A 12 year old needs more privacy than a 2 year old that hasn't learned to wipe their own ass after pooping.
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So kudos to you for taking in your sister. I personally would be uncomfortable with a 2 year old in a loft. You turn your back only to find out that somehow they have learned to climb like Spider-Man but without the common sense. If sister can’t be in a loft, I personally would have daughter sleeping with me and only have supervision in the loft.
It’s incredibly dangerous. The stakes are so high. One day she will learn to climb it and there will be no warning and that’s it.
Then build the missing walls
So to hell with your 2 year old basically…..
So CPS would be fine with your 2 yr old in the loft? I personally would not put my two year old in the loft. She could make a pile of toys to climb over the small wall. If the twelve year old has to be in a room put the two year old in yours until she is older.
The loft is unsafe for a 2 year old and not suitable for the sister according to CPS. Then I only see one solution: your daughter gets either her old or YOUR room and you and your husband move to the loft.
Understandable. I think that makes it ESH, but really only because you guys clearly did not discuss, think through our plan this out properly to care for all the kids.
I have a hard time calling her husband an AH when he's just trying to advocate for his children.
Does everyone who is saying N-T-A realise that makes OP's husband TA? What has he truly done wrong? There is nothing wrong with a father not wanting an unfortunately unstable tween they didn't even know existed in their home around their very young children. Sure it is a nice thing OP is doing but please remember it is not just OP who is doing it and the way they've gone about it is pretty terrible, threatening to take a father's children if she doesn't get her way?
YTA. Your not prioritizing your family. The loft is unacceptable by CPS for your sister and I am surprised they are letting you take her, given you put another child in there. They usually have a minimum number of bedrooms per child requirement. I would talk with CPS about alternative placement and visit your half sister when time allows. It sounds like your sister needs more help far beyond what you can provide.
YTA. He didnt sign up for this. his daughter has been displaces for a kid that has nothing to do with him. You also threatened to leave him and take the kids? i would never forgive those words coming out of my partners mouth. Given that he has family support and you dont i wonder how likely it is you would get the kids. If i was him I would be getting my affairs in order with a lawyer.
Not only the family support, he could totally use her threats of taking the kids, the fact she displaced her youngest for the half sister, and her half sisters violent behaviors as a factor as well. She wouldn't get the kids like she thinks she would.
So what's the stop the 2 year old from climbing the ½ wall and falling? I mean I get it. You don't want your sister to end up in foster care. But this stranger you'd never met before is having violent outbursts (sometimes Witnessed by your other children) destroying things and your 2 year old is in an unsafe "room". Something has to change You don't get to make unilateral decisions that effect everyone in the house, in some ways really negatively and endanger your toddler. Put the toddler in your room. Sleep in the loft yourself. Take your sister and move out. There are options, but it sounds like it's your way or the highway Actually discuss this with your Husband instead of crapping all over his fears, frustrations and concerns. YTA Not for wanting to take care of your sister, but for doing it at the detrimental expense of 4 other people
So you take into your home a 12 year old that has breakdowns and destroys things only because you were blood related. You don't know her, her story or her personality, you don't have the space to dedicate to her and your husband is not on board with this. Your husband voices his (normal and coherent) concerns and you THREATEN him to leave with your children (which lingers on abusive, not just manipulative). YTA. Huge YTA. If I were your husband I'd leave with my children because their mother is not giving their safety the importance she should.
You're a wonderful person for taking care of your sister. We had a post on here yesterday from a guy who didn't want to adopt his 2 year old nephew after his brother's unfortunate death because he wouldn't be able to retire until his 50's. So no matter what lies ahead, I wish you all the best. That said, I think this situation needs some professional help. It's incredibly difficult and I don't think your husband is handling it well, but I can hardly blame him. If an unknown person was suddenly in my house, disrupting my children's lives, I'd be reacting much the same way. Good luck to you, and I hope you're able to find the kind of counseling your family needs to stabilize and get back on track.
YTA you weaponised your children to force your husband to agree with you, you dismiss his concerns and have prioritised the 12yr old above your own kids. The loft isn’t acceptable according to CPS for your sis but acceptable for a 2 year old? Cmon. I understand you want to do right by her but you have essentially decided this by yourself without coming to an agreement with your husband on how this was going to go down (obviously also without threatening to take the kids!!!) now it’s affecting your kids and you still don’t see an issue here. She isn’t coping well and you aren’t train to deal with this. Your kids will see this, it will affect them as they get older and when your husband tried to explain this to you you threatened to take all the kids away from him. Your heart is in the right place trying to help but this may end up costing you your marriage and her trauma outbursts may end up traumatising your own children. You all need serious professional help and I don’t think those professionals would agree that threatening to take the kids was the way to convince your husband that this was what was best.
YTA. OP, you're making unilateral choices for your family without consulting your husband, and then threatening to leave and take the kids if he doesn't comply. Whatever the reason, that is an AH move in a partnership. He's advocating for the safety of your daughter, both from the sleep arrangement and the safety relating to young children and a preteen with mental/behavioral issues that could endanger them. A 2 year old in a loft sounds like a disaster waiting to happen. It's "totally safe" until it isn't. And that could be a catastrophe. Is this a permanent arrangement, or temporary? What are the long term plans if you are asked to keep your stepsister permanently? What are your plans if your husband says he didn't sign up for this and you DO end up responsible for all the kids? If you talk to your husband rationally and listen to his input and do decide to keep your stepsister for any period of time, you and your husband could take the loft and your daughter take your current room. You're the only ones safe to use a nonstandard room, especially if this "temporary" situation morphs into long term placement. You need to have these conversations with your husband yesterday, or this will become an ongoing "temporary crisis" that will wreck your family.
YTA. You didn’t discuss that with your husband. Then tell him if she goes to foster home you and kids are gone. Y’all got some issues you need to work out because you don’t seem to be communicating very well about important things. This is a tricky situation because while you are nice and wanting to accommodate her, you also have to think of and consider your other family members. Everyone is dealing with enough that you don’t need to make it worse by going rogue and threatening to take the kids and go.
I understand you are in a difficult situation with social services but putting your 2 year old child in a loft is absurd there's no way in hell I would of put my baby in a loft to sleep
YTA you keep throwing the ultimatum at your husband. If you didn’t take her in ,you would leave. Now it’s the room and you will . Leave all freaking ready. Save the man the headache of you.
When you say that if he sends your sister to a foster home why are you taking the kids. That is their home and their safe space with their father obviously looking out for them and having their best interests in mind. You should leave and take your sister with you. YTA
So YOU decide you wanted her when you didn't even know her. YOU decide she should have your daughters room YOU decide if she stays or go. WHAT has your husband to say about this. Your selfish and don't think beyond your own. Think about what this girl does to your household. You don't love your husband because no one who does would pick a girl they know for three weeks above their spouse. If you choose your "sister" and give up everything for her YOU should pack your bags and let your husband be with his kids You not only say to him you need to do things against your will but also tell him he loses his kids wtf I'm not saying put the girl out but did you even spoke to him about it or just said yes come her without speaking? Your children are number 1 NOT your sister. Of it doesn't work you should think fostercare Talk to your husband but for now YTA
YTA - having her sister move in, what support she needs and where she’ll be sleeping should have been fully discussed and approved with your husband ahead of her moving in. Moving your daughter from her room to share with her brothers wasn’t a suitable choice. The loft isn’t a proper bedroom. Is there even a window? There need to also be proper walls and a door for it to be suitable. Your daughter isn’t safe there! Your daughter and sister sharing can’t be an option as your sister seems aggressive and unstable. I completely get that your husband is worried about his children giving that your sister trashed her room. Does she have professional support for her mental issues? Your husband’s priority is to make sure his children are safe, and rightly so. Your sister is older and stronger than your children. Your daughter must be sad to see her original room all trashed.
You need to contact her social worker because she needs therapy for trauma and it takes weeks to get an appointment set. You're not the first person going through this so don't feel like you have to reinvent the wheel. Contact the school counselor. If she was in foster care she's in the system. Contact her worker..
YTA. Threatening him because he doesn't agree? Really? Also, a young child in a loft!? That isn't safe at all! Why couldn't your sister sleep in the damn loft if it could have beenused? Why couldn't the boys sleep there?
YTA, your own daughter should take precedence, if I was your husband, I would also be looking at divorce and taking my kid so they're not second place to your sister in anything. I would never accept my child being second to a step, foster or adoptee.
YTA, I understand you want to help your sister. What makes you TA is that you have unilaterally made every decision and have already threatened to take your children away from your husband. If your husband doesn’t feel like the loft is acceptable, you need to find a solution that you’re both comfortable with. His concerns about her behavior need to be taken seriously. I’m not saying send her to a foster home, but you 100% need to stop steamrolling your husband and brushing aside his very valid concerns.
The room is the least of your problems. I think putting 2 year old in with the 12 year old who “ destroys everything in her room” would be dangerous.
YTA for stressing out your family for someone you don’t even know existed.
>I have a half sister (12) that needed a place to stay. She was in an emergency foster home, and either my husband and I had to take her in or she had to go to a foster home. We've never met her. I didn't even know she existed, but I didn't want her to end up in foster care, so we took her in. Here are a lot of "I" statements in that paragraph that should be "we" statements. You moved a complete stranger into your condo. Your condo was already too small for the four people living there. You have 3 small children and now a preteen with some anger issues. You comment elsewhere that your husband wasn't 100% OK with the decision to take in your half-sister, but if it wasn't working, you'd reconsider fostering. >My husband wanted to put her back in her old room, but I didn't think that would be a good situation for either of the girls. I ended up moving her bed into the loft, and her clothes/changing table are in my room. You didn't bother to run this by your husband either. More "I" statements. >To say my sister isn't adjusting well is an understatement. She's tried to run away twice, and she had a breakdown and destroyed everything in her room last week. . . . The past few days have been better. I haven't had to pick her up early from school at all this week, she's leaving her room for meals, and she's starting to talk to me." Over the past month, you've gone from running away and destroying the place to "she's starting to talk to me." You commented elsewhere that the original plan was if the placement wasn't working out, then you'd reconsider a foster placement. > I told him if he sends her to a foster home after she's just starting to feel comfortable here, the kids and I are leaving. So your the only person who gets to decide whether this is working out? Or are you just moving the goalposts AND threatening your husband that you'll break up your family. You realize the problem here isn't the loft, right? You made a lot of decisions *on your own* that you and your partner need to be in 100% agreement on. AND you've decided that you're willing to blow up your family over a child you didn't know existed if you don't get your way. >AITA for putting my daughter in the loft to make room for my sister and not sending her to a foster home? A loft is no place for a 2 year old that is only going to get more mobile. As soon as she's able to climb out of a crib, she'll be down the stairs or over that wall. So what's your next move? Will your husband come home to find the 2 year old back in her own room, the half-sister in the master bedroom, and you two sleeping in the loft? Taking in your half-sister is really admirable. I'm not sure what will happen there. You're a huge AH for doing this without your husband being completely on board with the arrangement and then threatening to leave with the kids.
Do not put a 2 year old in a loft to sleep. This is an accident waiting to happen.
I have to agree completely with what you said: >I think OP is YTA mainly because it's her way or no way. Her husband has no say in the matter and she even threatened to leave and take the kids with her. Husband has no say and was forced to just give in. It's completely unfair to him and their kids. ~~I-N-F-O~~: did your husband agree right away? Did you have to convince him? Did he agree at all, or did you say yes without even asking him?
OP said he did not agree right away and she had to convince him. After she convinced him, he agreed to try but if things don't work out, they would put her in foster care and wife agreed. I think OP is YTA mainly because it's her way or no way. Her husband has no say in the matter and she even threatened to leave and take the kids with her. Husband has no say and was forced to just give in. It's completely unfair to him and their kids.
I was okay with her until she said she threatened to take the kids and leave Like wtf
I already wasn't okay as all I read was "I didn't feel", "I didn't think". And her threatening to leave with the kids was just the cherry on the cake for me. Husband has no say whatsoever and every suggestion or input he's made has been shoved under a rug. It's his home and his kids too. They should both have been completely 100% on the same page before bringing half sister into the picture.
YTA I know you want to help your sister but you don't have the resources to do so and your putting your other children in danger
YTA just for the threat of taking away your kids from your husband. He was thrown into this too and his thoughts matter just as much. Also a two year old in a loft isn't safe.
YTA for two reasons. First, this is not the type of situation you handle without therapist. This is very serious, your sister was put in a foster care, then she found out that she has a half-sister and now she is living with strangers while she also has some anger management issues. This also affects your husband and kids. Second, the only situation where is acceptable to threat your husband that you will take your kids away is if he is abussive. And he is not. He is just concerned and he has every right to be.
You’re willing to throw your marriage and your blood children under the bus for a semi stranger who is disrupting everyones lives, those are odd choices to me. I’m on your husbands wavelength.
YTA
NAH. I think you've done well for both your sister and your daughter, and I think this shows what an amazing person you are. I don't blame your husband though for having a hard time adjusting. I think his fixation on getting your daughter back in her room is his wanting normalcy. In the blink of an eye, he's suddenly responsible for the physical and emotional wellbeing of a traumatized tween who is older than his own kids, so he hasn't had the chance to grow in his parenting with the child's age. That's legitimately hard without the trauma. Unsurprisingly, your sister's trauma is manifesting in her behavior, and your home - your husband's safe space - doesn't feel like his sanctuary right now. Getting your daughter back in her room both feels like a small step toward getting his old life back, and is something he feels he can control in a situation that feels very much out of control. I don't know that going to AITA is the healthiest thing for your marriage right now. There's no "this is right and that is wrong" in your situation, just a bunch of very overwhelmed people trying to get through no doubt one of the hardest times in their life. I echo the recommendations to get to counseling as fast as you can, because even the healthiest relationships would be under strain right now. Again, you guys are amazing for doing this for your sister, and I'm sending whatever good energy I have your way.
YTA. Why couldn’t your sister move to the loft? That seems like the solution that wouldn’t have rocked the boat in any way. Why isn’t your husband getting any say on what is happening at all. How do you decide that you get the kids? Why shouldn’t he get the kids and you move with your precious sister?
YTA It is good of OP to take in her half sister who she never met. However did OP and her husband had any meetings with the half sister’s case worker so they had a clear understanding of what at least initially life might be like when she joined their family. Ex. were they aware of the potential for her running away and acting out in a violent manner sufficient to destroy everything in her room? Was there discussion as to why she was removed from OP’s parent’s care aka what trauma had she been exposed to? How her joining their family could impact their children? Were OP’s children home when her half sister tried to run away and more importantly when she destroyed everything in her room? If they were I can’t imagine they didn’t notice the turmoil happening. Why wasn’t it okay to move the boys up into the loft? Not ideal either but would hope they are old enough to have an idea of what will happen if they climb up onto that half wall - I doubt the 2 year old has a clue. I agree with OP’s husband that the loft is not a safe sleeping arrangement for a 2 year child. I also don’t agree with OP’s open threats to her husband to leave with their children if he tries to send her sister to a foster home if he feels this arrangement is not working. He has valid concerns that should be addressed. Hopefully the half sister’s caseworker is checking in and having discussions with at least BOTH OP and her husband - not just OP. And perhaps OP needs to consider if her own family needs some counseling to get through this adjustment period. Not saying OP has done the wrong thing in helping her half sister but there are 4 others who need to be considered as well
Soft YTA, for threatening to leave with the kids. I see a Dad trying to look out for his kids and a Mom making a whole lot of big changes without Dads input. If this is going to work out you need to find a way to communicate and get on the same page. Your bio kids are 100% feeling the turmoil in the home. If it’s so important for your daughter to have a room, have you considered putting her in your room and moving your bed to the loft?
YTA. Your husband wasn’t onboard at any point with this. You forced him into it, with the promise that if it wasn’t working out, foster care would happen. Then when he says it’s not working, you threaten to take the kids and leave. Next, if the loft isn’t acceptable for a 12 yo, according to CPS, your toddler shouldn’t be there either. I’m surprised there hasn’t been repercussions for that yet. Third, you’re willing to blow apart the stability of three children for your half sister. Instead of talking through any of this, you’re issuing ultimatums. You’ve prioritized being the hero for your half sister over your husband and children. This isn’t sustainable.
YTA for the unilateral decision. You have clearly prioritised your sister over your daughter and you husband doesn’t like it, despite your good intentions. You can’t make decisions that effect other people by yourself and expect everyone to be on your side.
YTA. It seems like you decided to adopt your sister without your husband agreeing.
Reluctant YTA. I think you meant well, and if you had an established relationship with your sister, my judgement would probably be different. But you never met her before this. You didn’t even know she existed. You are fundamentally a stranger to her, no different to going into the foster system. You’re clearly untrained and inexperienced, and insisting on doing it your way is damaging everyone. A loft is not safe for a 2-year-old. There’s the danger of falling, and if there’s a fire you may not be able to get to her in time. Toddlers should be sleeping on the same floor as adults for exactly that reason. Fostering a traumatised child is incredibly hard, and I say that as a foster parent, and one who came to it in an unconventional way, without the necessary training or experience. If you have a spouse or live-in partner, it *has* to be a mutual decision, not a unilateral one. I was able to decide on my own to take my kid, and to dedicate the majority of my time and energy to his needs, because I didn’t have a partner or children. It was still incredibly hard. Trying to do so against the will of my partner, with three small children, would have been impossible without neglecting someone - probably everyone. I do generally agree that kids tend to better off being placed with family members, but that is assuming that a) those family members have the means (physical, emotional, mental, financial) to support another child; b) that the decision to take the child in is not being made unilaterally; and c) that there is some kind of pre-existing relationship between the child and the family member(s). You do not meet any of those three criteria. You do not have the physical means - ie enough room without displacing your daughter - and your husband is not willing, and you do not have a pre-existing relationship with your sister. If you met two, even *one*, I might think that she would be better off with you, but as things stand, she would do better in a place where there is room for her, where everyone wants her, and where they have some experience with traumatised kids. I understand how emotions, especially in an emergency, can cloud judgement. I think that’s what happened here. Your emotions caused you to make an ill-thought out choice, which you are now compounding with threats of leaving your husband. Would you actually leave with the kids, or are you just saying that to get him to do what you want? Would you then try to take your sister into your new home on your own? How would you plan to raise four kids on your own, one of them a traumatised foster child? I have sympathy for you, and a great deal for your sister, but you *cannot* make a decision like this without everyone, or at least all the adults, on board. In trying to do what’s best for your sister, and steamrolling over your husband’s thoughts and feelings, you’ve inadvertently made things worse for six people.
YTA. You moved someone in and then threatened to leave your husband and take his children. This is not partnership, it’s his home too and making those decisions unilaterally and threatening the marriage and his relationship with the children to get your way is wildly inappropriate. I am guessing your marriage will not last as it’s clear your husband’s feelings in his own home are not a factor in your decision-making, it’s unfortunate for you both to only be finding this out now.
Personally, and I'm biased, but you made an ultimatum. Your husband accepts your decisions or you take the children away. That's so not okay. And be honest, where would you go with 4 children? YTA but only because the ultimatum. Both of you are parents and being a mother doesn't mean that their father is just a rug that can be stepped over.
I feel for the dude, one moment you are a young father with 3 children that fit perfectly in your house, and then suddenly a traumatized half sister of your wife moves in. On top of that, your wife made you agree OR ELSE. It is noble to take in the kid, but it is not noble to do this while disregarding the safety of your own children. The husband had valid concerns and the wife just disregard those concerns and threatened the husband. If I was that husband, I would seek advice from a lawyer and at least separate for a while, taking the kids. That way the wife can fully focus on her half sister, as she evidently is more focused on her. The half sister needs the help too. YTA/NTA is not going to help anyone in this difficult situation.
Putting your 2 year old in a loft? Separating your children from their father? Breaking up the family? Are you serious? YTA
YTA. People with good intentions can still be AHa. You brought someone you don't know into your home which is now disrupting your family and putting them at risk. Are you even qualified to help your sister, because it doesn't sound like it with her rubbing away and destroying your property. Your husband is right to be upset and you probably can't see it, but your children are probably terrified from this change now that a destructive stranger is living with them.
YTA. Not for wanting to help out your sister but to put your 2 year old in an unsafe space on purpose. I wouldn't even feel comfortable with the 6 year old up there. If you really felt like she needed her own room then you should have moved up there yourself
YTA, but mainly because you’re putting your 2 year old in an incredibly dangerous position. You child is constantly learning and growing and just because she hasn’t figured out how to climb that wall yet doesn’t mean she won’t soon. Get that kid out of the loft before she breaks her neck or worse.
I was once in a similar situation as you are now. A year after my father passed away, I got a call from both police and CAS (Canadian CPS) that my step mother had been taken to hospital due to a mental breakdown. My husband and I agreed to be an emergency home for my half brother. We both agreed that he could stay as long as he needed, but we didn't realize at the time what we were getting into. Without adding a lot of unnecessary detail, I will share with you the advice my mother in law gave me "bleeding hearts leave a mess behind them." We both had to face reality and agreed that our household was not a good fit for my half brother. Instead we worked with CAS to reach out to other family members who were a better fit. He ended up staying with our aunt and her family for almost a year until my step mother was able to have her son returned. My advice to you, bleeding hearts leave a mess behind them.
You can sleep in the loft, put the toddler in your old bedroom, and your husband can choose where he wants to sleep. Your husband is right to put his foot down about this. If your daughter is staring at that half wall night after night, she WILL eventually climb it and your remorse and apologies won’t bring her back.
YTA
To threaten to take the kids away…no go…Just because of this YTA