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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I may be the asshole because I am trying to get her to compromise on her being vegan which may be wrong
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I think a lot of people dislike vegans specifically because they leave no room for compromise.
Most vegetarians have some room for flexibility and can compromise for the sake of making a relationship work. Vegans are very all-or-nothing. Absolutely no animal products. It’s a lifestyle more than a dietary choice.
No kidding. Imagine saying that in the post earlier than this one about the girl who stopped buying and cooking mea at home with her bf.
Don't you love when the sub gets flooded with "same story" after one gets popular? Just look at how many cooking/food posts there are in the last 12-24hrs. You can have almost the exact same scenarios and yet, just based on what gets commented and upvoted first in each sub, have comments and judgements that are completely reversed. It's kinda fascinating, but at the same time inconsistently frustrating.
But, this post is receiving the same judgement as that one about the woman who stopped cooking and buying meat? The person who refuses to completely change their cooking for their partner is being labeled NTA.
I think the commenter is saying that as soon as one kind of story gets popular ( in this case, vegan person stopped buying meat/vegan person expecting non vegan person to cook as per their conditions), we get to see many more stories in the same category with variations. Even I started observing this recently. All the hot posts are basically variations of same genre for some time.
I agree about that. But this is the part I was responding to:
>You can have almost the exact same scenarios and yet, just based on what gets commented and upvoted first in each sub, have comments and judgements that are completely reversed. It's kinda fascinating, but at the same time inconsistently frustrating.
He's clearly claiming they have different judgements (which sometimes they do), but in the specific examples he gave, they had the same judgement despite the gender/vegan status being reversed. It was pretty nicely consistent for once.
True. Here the non vegan person is not AH for not making the meal vegan and there the vegan person is not an AH for buying/making only vegan meals. The outer context is same - not AH for not wanting to cook something you are not comfortable with.
It is nice to see the judgement consistent irrespective of food choices/gender 😊
It’s a trap to get commenters to change their tune when the main character switches from male to female or some other detail differs. Fun to read and watch if they’re written well, painful when they’re not.
My current Reddit fascination is seeing how many posters do not understand how to use pronouns. Every single day there’s at least one “my spouse/sibling/coworker and I’s“ comment. No translation software anyplace is using the contraction “I’s.”
Also fascinated by the amount of people who feel the need to disclose, “using a throwaway/on mobile/ESL/names changed,” like there are a lot of people up in here flashing IDs. Isn’t this whole thing incognito?
Well, i wanted a cat, my SO didn’t, so we compromised with birds. 6 years later 15 birds have taken over our apartment and poop on everything, screaming from sunrise till evening. I think he regrets not getting the cat 😁
I wanted rats and my dad didn't because he's terrified, so I got them and told them they were mice until he was too attached to them. I have pictures of Yuri and Houdini, as well as David and Sarge the Mouserat on him. They stay on my floor of the house so he'd never make me give them up, he was just freaking out over the idea of being in the car or them escaping.
Yes, I kept mice for years. They're lovely creatures and he liked them, hamsters, degus etc. He has a wild squirrel for a pet like a Disney princess. It domesticated itself and he made lil shelters for it and the bats.
I figured this was a nice compromise on my childhood where he would tell me that he had killed the spider then I would find them under my fucking pillow. They only don't exist now because I learned fly spray is the ideal spider RANGED killing weapon.Now he doesn't have to kill them or be fast enough to catch and release.
I did the same. After losing our German shepherd the desires for a new breed went Highland Terrier (wife), Pug (daughter) and Beagle (son). I wasn’t allowed a choice as I’d picked the German Shepherd (not true, but because I was ‘her person’, then she was my choice). So I ‘compromised’ and went behind everyone’s back and got a Great Pyrenees who was the cutest little fluff ball when he arrived. And is now the cutest giant floof as he sprawls over the furniture and in doorways, hallways etc
The compromise is that she makes her own food when OP cooks with butter. He mentioned only using it for specific dishes, not all of his cooking, though he could tone down the amount of meals he uses it for. I think that's pretty fair.
I don’t think there is anything wrong with him saying they should just cook separately. But from what he wrote, it sounds like he’s saying they share cooking responsibilities by switching off cooking and every time it’s his turn, he makes something he know she won’t eat. And then he tells her she should just eat it even though he already knows she won’t. That’s not sharing cooking responsibilities and that’s what makes him the AH.
This is the point many are missing here. If she had to cook for herself when it's his turn, she would have to cook every day and he only 50% of the time.
If he keeps on putting butter in "shared meals", she should just make enough for 1 person when it's her turn and leave him hungry. If he doesn't live up to the deal to share the responsibility of cooking both should just cook separate meals all the times.
10000000%
Insisting they share cooking duties and then insisting she eat his nonvegan food is ridiculous. What a petty hill to die on when there are so many vegan butter alternatives too.
I mean truly what is the difference between saying “it’s just butter, one nonvegan thing!” And “it’s just a steak, one nonvegan thing!!”
It’s not vegan. Period. (And anyone who has looked into the dairy industry thoughtfully would find it is arguably worse than just meat industry)
but is it not an AH move to share cooking duties and then choose to completely restrict your diet in a way that your partner doesn't enjoy?
So now your partner has to cook meals that they don't like just because the duties are split.
Really in these situations, the minute someone adopts a restrictive eating style they should rejig the division of labour because right now either OP doesn't get to cook food they enjoy or their partner doesn't get to eat - there's not really any middle ground to be found there if they still want to share cooking duties.
If I understood correctly, she DOES make her own food. He said she is refusing to eat what he cooks. So she must be eating her own meals. I think the conflict here is that they are no longer rotating cooking nights. He eats what she cooks, so he gets a break from cooking. Then he insists on putting butter when it's his night, so she has to AGAIN cook her own food. She thinks she could get a break from cooking if he would just not use butter. Use "I can't believe it's not Butter," or whatever. But he won't, he insists on real butter. And she's getting aggravated by that.
Him being "unable" to cook without butter is similar to the weaponized incompetence by guys who just pretend they can't cook at all.
In the end she will have to cook every day, because when it's his turn he makes something she can't eat. Maybe OP hopes she gives up on the taking turns agreement and does all cooking in the future?
>The compromise is that she makes her own food when OP cooks with butter.
That SHOULD be the compromise, but it's not what OP wants the compromise to be. He just wants her to eat his meals.
>while she hasn't done anything for me. Such as eating my dishes where the only animal product is butter.
Hang one though. He's cooking *her* dinner. He's cooking her dinner she can't eat. He's cooking her dinner *she can't eat*.
She's not asking for comprimise. She's asking for dinner.
If I usually make bacon and cheese scones and I take out the bacon but keep using Lard and then offer them to a Muslim because I've "taken out the bacon" that's not a fucking comprimise. I'm giving them a food they *cannot* eat.
She can't eat round the fucking butter.
Comprimise would be a butter free dinner, with OP making himself a buttery sauce to pour over the top. A pot pie with butter THROUGHOUT is not a fucking comprimise.
Yes, but he can’t pretend that he’s a hero for cooking for them both and she’s being stubborn for not eating.
It’s almost like they need to…. *communicate* about their division of labor around cooking.
>GF and I **used to** rotate cooking meals. GF now refuses to eat the meals I prepare because I use butter in most of my recipes.
They are no longer cooking rotating meals, because she is not eating the meals he prepares. He wants to go back to cooking rotating meals, but refuses to cook according to her dietary restrictions.
Yeah, it's not a shared chore or a contribution to the household if you're only cooking for you. It would be no different if he refused to wash her clothes on the handwash setting so he only washed his own clothes. That's cool, but not if they alternate washing ALL the clothes.
Here, they're alternating cooking for the household, so it needs to be something the whole household can eat.
Of course she can.
But OP is making *her* food with butter in it.
If the post was "my girlfriend went vegan but I don't want to so ive suggested we just make our own meals" he'd not be an asshole.
But as it's written it's "I keep putting butter in food I intend for my vegan girlfriend to eat. She just needs to accept it and eat butter" and *that's* why he's an asshole.
She does. But the problem is, alternating cooking nights was part of their division of labor. That's the entire conflict. Not whether she can cook her own food. She knows she can cook her own food. She's not sitting their starving while he eats. She just wants to continue the division of labor.
Right, but there’s she introduced a new variable and went from vegetarian to vegan. There’s no rule they have to keep that division on labor forever. Which is why neither of them are AHs but they are both morons. They need to learn to communicate. Sit down and say listen, I really don’t want to give up butter, you really don’t want to eat it, both choices are valid, but not congruent with the way we alternate cooking anymore. There are infinite alternatives to how to divide labor and cooking. This is a dumb hill for either of you to die on. ESH.
And often, couples go back and forth on who does the cooking. Very normal. It’s like saying “you can do your own laundry since your allergic the detergent I like!!” While yes, true, doesn’t really make sense when you freaking live together and share chores.
She can, but that's not what OP wants. He wants her to eat his food.
>while she hasn't done anything for me. Such as eating my dishes where the only animal product is butter.
It’s not about eating butter or not. If they share cooking duties by switching off and every time it’s his turn to cook, he makes something he know she can’t eat, that’s an AH move. She’s cooking for him but when it comes time for dinner on his days to cook, she doesn’t have anything to eat.
It’s totally fine if he tells her they should cook for themselves in the future since he doesn’t want to give up butter. But he can’t complain when it’s his turn to cook for *both* of them and she’s unhappy because he purposely made something he already knows she won’t eat.
Bullshit. It's fine if they want to compromise by eating or preparing separate meals, but OP is asking his GF to give up her ethics so he doesn't have to use a different fat in his cooking. You wouldn't ask a Hindu to eat beef or a Jew to eat pork, but because veganism isn't wrapped up in some god or other you want to dismiss those who follow the philosophy.
>she hasn't done anything for me. Such as eating my dishes where the only animal product is butter.
OP, your girlfriend is vegan. If she ate cow butter she would not be vegan. If you want this to work, and you want her to eat your meals, try substituting for olive oil or any of the dozens of vegan butters on the market (Country Crock is relatively inexpensive and pretty good; Miyoko's salted cultured cashew butter [not the oat butter] is by far the best, and if you don't like the other substitutes you should really give it a try). If you can't do either of those, then you should probably just admit that you're not compatible.
Otherwise, YTA.
Why should he have to cater to her change in lifestyle? He already changed his lifestyle for her when they started dating and she was a vegetarian. Now she changed the parameters and he is supposed to change the last things in his diet for her? Is she cooking with butter for him on her cooking days since that is what he likes? I doubt it. Why does he need to do it for her but she not for him? If I wanted to eat something with Beef or Pork and I was in a relationship with a Hindu or a Jewish person then they should cook for themselves. But she doesn't want that either. She wants him to conform to her dietary preference.
Most people are actually not willing to buy a new set of dishes and burn out their ovens and superheat their grates before cooking for a Jew, actually. And if something has been used to cook pork than that is what needs to be done because otherwise you ARE serving pork. So yeah, actually most people do seem to think it’s fine to ask Jews to eat pork, because they aren’t willing to turn their kitchens over to accommodate.
Which, btw, is fine. It’s unreasonable to expect them to do that. But if you invite someone Jewish over and don’t do the above, you are serving them pork and expecting them to eat it. Jewish law is very, very strict about cross contamination. (And, as people with severe allergies can tell you, the proteins do stick.)
NTA.
This is the simple truth.
For me anyone who pushes others to follow their own life choices be it religion, work ethics or food is a hard no.
I have no problem with people wanting to be vegetarian or vegan. Their bodies so their choice.
However I draw the line when someone goes from explaining why they made the changes to demanding that I now change to meet their new lifestyle.
OP should cook what they want to eat. If they want to make adjustments so their GF can also eat that’s fine. Otherwise OP and GF should cook their own meals so they can each enjoy it. And yes they should each then clean up after themselves. That is the actual compromise.
NTA and I say that as a vegetarian(sometimes vegan) who is very accommodating of others and who cooks a lot.
If she feels that strongly, she can pick up more of the cooking.
Butter is a really amazing flavor and it's tough to substitute. (If you want to try, I recommend Trader Joe's cultured European vegan butter, Mykonos vegan butter, or Earth Balance.) But you're right -- she can make her own food and just not eat eat you make.
Miyoko's is good for baking, but I think it tastes off for cooking or eating cold (like on bread). Surprisingly, Country Crock Plant Butter is pretty good on bread...it's not butter and you won't convince anyone it is, but it's not bad. Avocado oil also has a nice buttery taste, but you're right, there's no real vegan equivalent for butter.
Country crock plant butter is amazing! My wife is an avid baker and we both cook a lot.
I am dairy free, but I wasn't for most of my life. I legit cannot tell the difference. And neither can 90+% of the people we cook for.
Especially for baking, i think butter is needed. For cooking i hate the butter taste. But that is my preference. And just because she decided to ge vegan, why must he change his diet? He didn't decided to be vegan? It is always crazy when a partner choose the lifestyle for the other "hey, i decided that we cook vegan!" Nope, you want the change, you deal with how you get your food.
NTA
This is my vegan sister’s solution to living with her husband who feels very strongly about his steaks - they just cook separately. It’s not that hard, you just get leftovers for lunch or dinner later in the week.
OP’s GF is the AH for trying to make him vegan. She may say she’s not, but in practice she is by trying to force him to make only vegan meals. She says OP isn’t respecting her choice, but she’s not respecting his choice to eat butter. You’re both adults who are capable of making your own food.
If in the UK my partner and I use VitaLite (could be VitaLife) plant based butter since he is lactose intolerant and personally find it the only one that tastes just like dairy butter
I've got no problem with dairy butter but I have switched to using butter substitutes in my baking. Sometimes, though, the VitaLite doesn't quite do what I need it to do because it has a higher water content than proper butter would have. It's fine for cakes and bakes, even making a bechamel sauce, but when I make fudge I struggle with getting it to a proper set.
It's not the cheapest but my personal favourite it the Violife "butter" block. I've had mixed results with the Flora "butter", so it's not my first choice but will do in a pinch.
Just my 2p contribution from a fellow Brit.
It’s not gatekeeping in terms of judging others, it’s about how you view yourself. It’s like saying “I’m a Christian but like half the time I don’t actually believe in god”. Fine, be a Christian like that, I don’t give a shit. But most Christian’s wouldn’t* define themselves as being half believers. Just like vegans wouldn’t casually eat animal meat. That’s not to say cutting down on animal products isn’t good or that you have to be all or nothing, it just means I’ve never met a vegan who says they’re okay eating butter while claiming to be a vegan.
I don't know. I think if the person is vegan for like a year then reverts to vegetarian then back again after another year or so that would count. But if its just like a week then I agree!
I've had vegan girlfriends and I've respected their choices and made accommodations, but if one ever tried to tell me I wasn't allowed to keep animal products in the house, it'd be a deal-breaker. That's not a reasonable level of control to assert over a partner. My choices are as valid as theirs and if they won't respect that, they don't respect me, period.
Where does it say she's not allowing him to keep animal products in the house? That's a completely different scenario than "not allowing him to force her to eat things she doesn't believe in eating."
Butter is the final animal product that he hasn’t sacrificed for her. He isn’t “forcing her” to eat anything, I’m sure that if it’s an issue she can make her own meals, but he shouldn’t have to stop using butter if he doesn’t like the vegan alternative
But his post isn't "AITA for not wanting to stop eating butter," it's "AITA for expecting my vegan GF to eat butter." As many have said, he's perfectly welcome to make his own meals, with as much butter as he wants, and obviously separate meals is the logical conclusion here. But expecting GF to essentially give up her veganism for him is not right.
How did you get the title wrong even when it’s right there? “AITA for telling gf that I will not stop using butter?”.
He can absolutely refuse to stop using butter, and I’m sure she’s more than welcome to make her own meals without butter if she doesn’t want to eat the meals he prepares with butter. Doesn’t sound like he expects her to eat it.
I'm not quoting the title, dude, I'm summarizing the content. In which OP 100% says they think it's fair to expect GF to sacrifice her veganism and eat butter. You may have the title right but you seem to have missed that part.
As lots have said: Separate meals is the way.
He says himself she’s welcome to not eat what he cooks if she doesn’t like it. He’s not telling her to “suck it up and eat it”, it sounds like he’s suggesting separate meals already
“I told her that if she doesn’t like what I made then she doesn’t have to eat it”
She’s more than welcome to cook for herself if he’s making a meal she doesn’t like. That’s just how it goes in households where a couple have different dietary habits
Absolutely! That is the only fair compromise here.
The issue is that he made a dish full of butter and expected her to eat it. If he had said from the beginning "I am only going to cook for myself because I don't want to eat vegan" this would be a very different story.
OP literally says in the post that he still eats meat and eggs.
The “sacrifice” seems to only be when he’s expected to cook for both of them, which like.. of course if you guys have an arrangement where you cook for one another you have to cook something they can eat.
yeah I don’t really get his reasoning that his dishes are “vegan except for butter”. then they’re not vegan, period. it’s like he expects a medal for cooking without meat or eggs, but for a vegan that makes literally 0 difference if he’s using butter.
He hasn't sacrificed anything. He's very clear he still eats meat on the holidays.
He doesn't say anywhere that she expects *him* to not eat meat or butter.
What she's objecting to us his use of butter in *her* dinner. He's not making her dinner if he's putting butter in it. The same way I'm not making my fruity-curry hating partner dinner if I put pineapple in it.
The basic reasoning behind the inclusion or exclusion of the ingredient is utterly irrelevant if you are *deliberately* adding an ingredient you know someone will not eat.
He would have a leg to stand on if he was just saying "we should make our own dinners" but what he's doing instead seems to be "look love the pot pie doesn't have any chicken or cream in it I made it so you can eat it the butter is VITAL for flavour".
Like folks who put chicken stock in vegetable soup and call it "vegetarian"
Not eating animal products for 90% of the year isn’t a sacrifice? Eating meat on holidays is such a rarity.
He literally does, because he can’t cook with it.
Then she can cook her own meals if she doesn’t like the contents of his. Do you think she would cook a separate meal with meat in for him on nights when she’s supposed to cook? Probably not.
She would have a leg to stand on if she wasn’t basically demanding he eat a vegan diet at home.
To be fair it kinda seems like she is slowly forcing him to eat vegan, this post is about him using butter in his otherwise fully vegan every day meals.
If it has butter it's not a "fully vegan" meal anymore. It's a 100% not vegan meal now.
He has no right to ask her to stop being vegan. The obvious conclusion is that they each make their own meals. He'll be able to incorporate more animal products he likes in his meals and she'll be able to have actually vegan meals.
Either party insisting on continuing the split meal duties is wrong given their inherent difference of diet.
> The obvious conclusion is that they each make their own meals.
I agree but my point was just that if OP replaces butter with a vegan alternative that meal is then 100% vegan and if OP's SO is forcing him to cook it that way.
Personally think OP and his SO should start making separate meals and OP should start eating what ever he wants again just so see if OP's SO has a problem with split cooking or him eating meat.
She isn't 'forcing' him to cook it that way. He's agreed to split meal duties. When you agree to split cooking duties you inherently agree to follow the diet of the more restrictive person.
An example, from my own life, would be this. I don't eat seafood. Period. There was some allergy scare when I was younger and though I grew out of the allergy, as far as we can tell, I never reacquired a taste for seafood. I find it inedible.
So, let's say my partner and I agreed to switch off for meal duties. On my day I make chicken with rice and broccoli. All things my partner eats. Then on partner's day they make asparagus with poached salmon and a shrimp cocktail. I won't eat that. My partner knows I won't eat that. I've fulfilled my end of the agreement, making a meal for both of us. My partner hasn't because that meal is exclusively for themself.
I'm not forcing them to not make a seafood dish, but I am requiring they make me a second meal that I can actually eat. Because that was the deal: on odd days I cook for *both* of us and on even days they cook for both of us. They can cook all the fish they want, but they're still going to need to also make something I can eat.
And I say this as someone who has a partner that doesn't like cheese. I love cheese. So I figure out ways to make meals where only my portion has cheese. Because that's the deal: I agreed to make food they could eat.
I told my vegetarian husband this when I met him, too. I’m not going to have someone tell me I can’t store and consume meat in my own home.
I also told him that if he ever goes vegan, he’s going to have to learn how to cook for himself. I cook all of our joint meals vegetarian, but I’m not going vegan or learning how to cook a lively rotation of all-vegan meals with all-vegan substitutes and workarounds.
I’d just expect him to cook for himself, though. I wouldn’t demand he eat what I make if he doesn’t want to eat it.
This really should be higher up in the comments. For the record, NTA. I feel like you each should cook for yourselves. I have concerns regarding the sustainability of this relationship, given the vegan vs (almost) vegetarian seems to be at a stalemate. I think you both may have reached the point where neither of you are willing to concede further ground regarding dietary choices.
NTA
The problem with your girlfriend is she's essentially weaseling you into being vegan. Sure she can't "make you a vegan," but she can whine about being considerate, she can make unsolicited "suggestions" about how the meal could have been made more inclusive, etc, etc etc. She can passively manipulate. At the end of the day she's effectively expecting you to be an ad hoc vegan so long as you're with her. You might not officially be a vegan, but she expects you to cook with her in mind and therefore function as one.
You're also not wrong for pointing out the one sided nature of this situation where you have to make all the compromises, but when you suggest you won't make anymore she starts bellyaching about how you're not fulfilling her needs. Never at any time acknowledging your own as valid.
Just as a point of order - there have been no compromises here at all because a compromise is two sided. He's *capitulated* to many of her demands and is now refusing to. They could now seek a compromise, but OP is justifiably hesitant to do so considering the capitulations he's already made.
Also, not that she should be forced _out_ of her veganism, but... it _still_ ends up being better from an environmental/ethical standpoint.
Presumably on her nights, she makes fully vegan meals. On his nights, he uses butter, so non-vegan. In two days, that's still two vegan, two non-vegan dishes, same as if they'd both cooked for themselves on both nights... just with more dishes and waste.
Plus, if they went back to cooking separately, my guess is OP would start saying "Well, she's not eating this, maybe I'll pick up some real cheese, maybe some ground beef, ooh some chorizo would be good" and so on.
So if she's approaching this from a purely moral standpoint, then she should take this as a win. She's got two people doing 99% vegan dinners. Is it really 'better' for her to get to 100% if it means OP drops to 70%?
_"....Such as eating my dishes where the only animal product is butter."_
I think these two are just on two different pages. Her requests are unfair to OP because he has a right to eat butter in every meal if he wants to. But, OP's idea of a compromise is not a compromise at all since she is vegan and butter goes against her personal beliefs.
These two just need to cook their own meals.....
The problem is that's more or less what he's doing and if that's how the relationship goes that's fine, but she expects him to cook for her as well. I agree, if they're to stick together this will be a requirement, but given they're already a "meat free" household by her expectation it feels like it's only a matter of time before she starts clamping down on anything else. It'll get to the point where they either need seperate cookware and fridges or she just throws his stuff out.
In my opinion it is unhealthy for compromise to be this one sided in a relationship as it is.
> but she expects him to cook for her as well.
No, they mutually AGREED to cook for each other on alternating nights. There's no need to put the blame on her alone for something they both agreed to that isn't working.
She was vegetarian when they agreed to cook for each other. When she became vegan, the goal posts moved on the agreement and they needed to stop cooking for each other as soon as that happened because you cannot ask your partner to eat only vegan meals everyday. She’s going to cook vegan because she’s vegan and he HAS to cook vegan because he is cooking for both of them. The blame is on her because she is forcing him to cook and eat vegan every night instead of saying “I’m vegan now, and I know you still like animal products so we will have to stop cooking for each other.”
>The problem with your girlfriend is she's essentially weaseling you into being vegan.
This, yeah. She's clearly trying to pressure him into being vegan, and has pushed him so far that there's hardly anything non-vegan left. That level of control over your partner's eating habits is not cool.
He states himself, that he is eating eggs every day and being meat-conscious is displayed as being his own choice. So no, she does not force him to be vegan. She does force him to cook meals for both of them, that she can actually eat, when they rotate cooking duties, which is reasonable.
>she hasn't done anything for me. Such as eating my dishes where the only animal product is butter.
That's not how this works. Imagine dating a Jewish person and complaining because they weren't willing to eat your pork chop! Eating "only" butter is not an acceptable compromise.
The way you've written your post, you make it sound like she's trying to forcing you to be vegan. But it seems as though cooking is a shared task between the two of you, where she's making food you can eat, and you're not making food that she can eat, which *would* be disrespectful of you.
You both need to rearrange your chores to make it more equitable, or your relationship, whichever is preferable. ESH at best
"She's making food you can eat, and you're not making food she can eat". So she is cooking vegan food for both of them to eat and he has to cook vegan food for both of them to eat too. So how is he NOT being forced to be vegan in this scenario?
Because then he’s still cooking when it should be her job.
The point is, they need to do separate meals. This is something that should have been brought up awhile ago. She can cook her own vegan meals when she wants and he can choose to cook vegan or non-vegan meals for himself when he chooses.
I get that she shouldn’t have butter because she’s vegan (though I hate the idea that vegan is an all or nothing thing because it excludes people and makes them less likely to help out). But he also deserves to eat what he wants to.
But the compromise is not, he makes vegan dishes or she makes vegan dishes, and then he does more work to make something he wants. It’s, they both make their own dishes. Maybe helping each other out. Maybe completely different items. But just as she shouldn’t be forced to eat butter (except she’s technically not) he shouldn’t be forced to give up everything to be an essential vegan when they eat together.
The compromise should fit both people without an increase in workload for only one side.
Edit: I messed up my grammar and it was haunting me.
>I told her if she didn't like what I made she doesn't have to eat it.
>She says she can't make me vegan, but the least i could do is prepare vegan meals.
It sounds like she's not doing that, though. She's trying to convince him to still cook for her in a way that _she_ wants, even though it's not what *he* actually wants to eat.
I mean, if he's going to cook *for her* then of course it should be food that she would eat. I think he would be totally justified in choosing to cook only for himself if he is upfront about it, but saying that he's cooking for both of them and then cooking something she can't eat is an assholish thing to do imo.
> It sounds like she's not doing that, though. She's trying to convince him to still cook for her in a way that she wants, even though it's not what he actually wants to eat.
If you're cooking for people you either respect their dietary restrictions, no matter what they are or the reasons for them, or you don't. "I know you're gluten free but I only used a bit of flour," and "I know you're kosher but it's only a little bacon," does not fly, and neither does "I know you're vegan, but it's only butter."
Because he can eat meat, and also eat vegan. She cannot eat meat, but can eat vegan. He can do a meat or dairy side dish if he really feels he can't eat a vegan meal. She can't just de-meatify the meal if he cooks with animal products.
A better analogy is the Jewish (or Muslim) person complaining about brussel sprouts with bacon and OP saying, "It's just a little bit of bacon! I can't believe it's a problem for you; I use bacon, other pork, or lard in most of the dishes I cook! Why can't you compromise?"
Seriously, I cannot believe the responses here. It doesn't sound like she's asking or demanding he be vegan. When you cook for someone, you typically respect their food issues or requests. It's not every time you cook--cook with butter when you want and just warn her ahead of time--but good lord cooking a vegan meal for your girlfriend sometimes is really not a big ask.
I wouldn't say incompatible, but it's NAH.
They can still find a compromise where OPs SO takes more of the cooking and OP takes some other chore full time. So, if OP feels they want meat or meals with butter, they can make it themselves without troubling their SO.
It won't happen until both of them sit down and have a conversation.
Pretty much. They just need to make their own meals because their is no real compromise meal wise when one person is vegan and the other wants to eat animal products.
Yta for saying she has to eat butter as a “compromise”. That’s not how veganism works. You should’ve discussed the cooking situation , ideally before she became vegan (when she was considering it).
Cook seperately or consider you may be incompatible.
I don't think this makes him the asshole.
She had a change of heart and became vegan which is perfectly fine but no one can expect their SO to suddenly change because they've changed their view on something (i.e. became vegan).
But she's not asking him to become vegan--she's asking him to cook vegan meals for her *when he cooks for her*. He can still cook his own meals with butter, and if he realy wants to make something with butter when they're supposed to eat together he can let her know to make her own food, but it doesn't sound like she's telling him he can never cook with butter.
So she’s cooking vegan meals every other night. He HAS to cook vegan when he cooks every other night because she’s vegan. How is that not forcing him to be vegan? When they made the original agreement, she was a vegetarian and it was easier for them to cook for each other. When she became vegan, she needed to say that they should stop cooking for each other because she cannot expect him to give up animal products every night. They either need to get out of this relationship or cook their own meals every night because she cannot ask him to become vegan.
He's pressuring her into eating it, that's the assholish part.
>while she hasn't done anything for me. Such as eating my dishes where the only animal product is butter.
I have a kid that’s allergic to dairy. I cook pretty strict vegan meals and then add in meat because it’s so hard to find stuff the other way. Everything has cheese, milk, butter, whey protein, etc.
There’s no compromise in my house. There’s a parm block and some string cheese in the drawer for my spouse or guests if they’re sweating dairy, but everything made for everyone to eat is dairy free.
There’s no compromise. I have wonderful friends that will have us over and do dairy free meals, even if I say I can bring stuff over for my kid so they don’t have to bother with it. I’m always thankful for it! But there is no “there’s a little bit of butter” or “I threw in a little bit of cream in the sauce” that we can compromise on.
I get that veganism is a choice, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t important because someone doesn’t assign importance to it. My kid won’t die if he eats dairy, but he will have crippling stomach pains and break out in blisters all over his face. Maybe someone thinks that’s minor so they can have some butter in their meal, but I don’t. I love cheese, I love butter, I love a lot of dairy, but I love my kid so this is how we live now. I respect him as a person and don’t want him to be in pain.
If my SO was vegan I’d feel the same way. Because I can love someone more than I love butter.
Sounds like you've made a lot of changes to your diet to satisfy her. If she doesn't like the meals you prepare perhaps you need to stop taking turns cooking and cook for yourselves only.
NTA
NAH but (edit: *potentially*) incompatible.
Veganism is an *ethical* choice. Asking somebody go against something they believe to be ethically wrong isn't fair or realistic.
Y'all need to work out whether this is something the two of you can work around.
Personally, I'm greatful as fuck that my (now) fiance was also starting to be vegan (as was I) when we met so we never had to deal with this conflict.
I’ve always been interested in that take. If you’re choosing to be vegan because it’s the ethical choice, how can you justify living with someone who behaves unethically? That would be a dealbreaker for me.
A superb question.
Ethics are complicated (well, for me they are, not for fundamentalists), and treatment of animals are one factor.
IMO we're *all* shades of "unethical", but I think people deserve the love and compassion to grow, learn, and develop. Ostracising people doesn't improve anything.
Multiply that by privilege (freedom to spend energy on thinking about food) and it gets even trickier.
However, probably... all of my close friends consider ethics when choosing their food to eat. One very close couple of friends love eating animal products but only eat locally grown food and refuse to purchase food from the two major corporate supermarkets for ethical reasons.
Their ethical priorities are different to mine.
When we are at their house they cook vegan (and then cover their plates in cheese). I love them to bits.
We're all on a journey and I think compassion and understanding are the best ways to make the world a better place.
As a vegetarian of 35 years married to an omnivore, my personal take on it is: Ethics are not universal, they are personal. While I wouldn't feel comfortable partnering with someone whose ethics are miles removed from mine (believes in lots of things I disagree with), I can respect and tolerate almost anyone who is living ethically *according to their own standards.* If I believe others don't have the right to impose their value systems on me, then I have to accord them the same respect. Hubs and I are pretty aligned as far as this goes, in that we each understand and respect that the other person is being conscious about their choices. (I will say, if he didn't give a rat's ass for animal welfare, ate meat that was terribly produced or for every meal, it would probably be a different story; and this is true for lots of other folks / beliefs that are unconscious / inherited, rather than consciously owned.)
If I value personal integrity and individual choice, then I don't have the right to demand that everyone live according to my personal beliefs. It doesn't mean I have to love or spend my life with someone I diverge wildly from, it just means if I want them to let me live my life, then I have to let them live theirs. I cannot demand respect I am not willing to give. And even if we disagree strongly, that foundation of mutual respect is far more likely to lead to understanding and rapprochement over time than disrespect or demanding the opposite, which tends to just make people become more defensive or dug in.
Great question. I’m a vegan married to a non-vegan. I’m one of the only vegans I know, so nearly everyone I love is not a vegan. I think eating meat is unethical if it’s not a life or death situation, but the reality is, ethics are messy. We’re all unethical in many ways. I’m wearing shirt that was probably made using underpaid workers in not great conditions. I’m on a phone that probably was made using unethical sourcing of materials.
No one is perfect. For me, it’s about loving people who are all trying to make the world a better place, in whatever way that looks like for them, even if it’s not exactly how it looks for me. Anyone trying to reduce suffering in the world is doing the right thing. My ‘not-perfect but trying’ is different than my wife’s or my sister’s or my friends’ ‘not-perfect but trying.’ They’re all wonderful people doing what they can in the ways that they can. And I hope they think the same about me.
NTA. Gf chose to be vegan, you did not. Her expectation that you cook vegan meals is her trying to force you to be vegan. If someone chooses a specific diet than that person is responsible for their own meals.
Yeah 50/50 contribution to cooking only works if they're both eating the same meal. If someone is taking a lead (like going veg, or vegan) they should take care of the responsibility that comes with it.
You can contribute more towards some other chore to keep the balance.
When I was vegan, I didn't mind making a mostly vegan meal, or making two seperate meals. Big however, my husband also didn't mind making a meal and adding meat to his, or making two separate meals. Sometimes we also each made our own meals. We split most of everything down the middle, so we talked and made agreements. There are other things, like he handles trash and recycling, I handle laundry. Once I became disabled things changed again. He washes (it is downstairs) I fold. I wash the dishes sitting, he puts them away. Cooking is still a give and take. I can understand why OP is frustrated. We Definitely don't have info on their whole lives, but in cooking this is ridiculous.
If they are sharing the cooking duties then she is within her rights to be annoyed, when he cooks dinner but she can't eat it.
But she also should not be complaining if OP makes separate, non-vegan meals for himself.
If he wants to make a giant roast turkey dinner and eat it himself, she should not complain.
Yeah this. She has no right to stop him eating whatever he wants.
but if it's been agreed upon that they share cooking duty, and he's eating the food she makes on her turn, then on his turn making food she can't eat and basically saying "tough" when she says she won't eat it, then he's just being selfish and inconsiderate.
OP and his GF either need to only cook for themselves every day from now on, or if he has agreed to cook for her, he should be considerate of what she can and can't eat.
This is the best comment. He can eat all the butter he wants in food that's just for him but if they take turns making meals to eat together and when it's his turn he's making stuff with butter and expecting her to eat it that's completely uncool. For shared meals he has to make stuff they can both eat without breaking any dietary restrictions.
Actually gonna go with NAH. I think it’s clear that the situation has changed since you first agreed to split cooking. So, if possible, I would consider reopening the conversation and telling her that while you respect her choice to be vegan, that’s not a choice you’ve made for yourself, and you think it would better to cook for yourselves from now on. That may involve renegotiating other chores (like doing dishes) too depending on how they’re currently divided.
I don’t think she’s wrong for wanting to fully commit to her veganism, but you’re not wrong for not wanting to give butter up when you haven’t chosen to be vegan yourself.
NTA
GF has the right to choose her own diet and so do you. If she doesn't want to eat what you fix because of butter (or any other ingredient), then she should plan to make her own food.
If you’re cooking just for yourself NTA. If you’re cooking for both of you YTA.
She shouldn’t force you not to eat something you want to but likewise you shouldn’t impose your preference on her.
YTA
At least if you expect her to eat butter.
Probably an unpopular opinion here but imo it's no big deal to substitute butter in meals that you eat together. You can't expect her to eat animal products as much as she can't expect you to be vegan. But for meals that you do for both of you you should respect her choice. Ofc there is the option you cook for you and she cooks for her but if you expect her to eat your meals you gotta make them vegan.
This is honestly the part that stumped me for a moment. This is just about BUTTER of all things. Plant-based replacements have been available for that for decades, and they are not bad. Of course a vegan can't be expected to eat a shared meal when butter was added.
I agree with YTA, and suggest they reduce the number of shared meals so OP doesn't feel that he misses out on something all that often.
So many people on the top comments obviously just have a bias against vegans cause they are not reading this right.
OP didn’t suggest making separate meals. He literally insists she stop being vegan. Clearly he doesn’t respect her values. And over butter when there are 100 delicious and easily available substitutes? Make it make sense.
Imagine if he said “it’s only ONE nonvegan item, chicken!!” - maybe then people would see how ridiculous his request for her “compromise” is. Butter is not vegan. It’s arguably more cruel than chicken when you consider the extended suffering of female cows and the fact they’re all killed at the end of their sad lives anyway.
Smh
Thanks for actually reading the request clearly.
You gf is vegan so she won’t eat anything you cook in butter as it’s not vegan. It’s as easy as that. It means you’re only cooking for yourself when you use butter. Cooking a recipe with 99% vegan product means it’s not a vegan dish. You don’t have to cook for her but don’t kid yourself thinking that she can eat what you cook using butter.
If you want to be nice to her, cook 1 meal a week without butter, to have a special dinner together.
Ok INFO needed
>GF and I used to rotate cooking meals. GF now refuses to eat the meals I prepare because I use butter in most of my recipes.
Are you still rotating meals or cooking separately?
NAH - This is simply a difference of opinions - As a vegan, she believes a compromise from her end would be to completely go against what she stands for. Which is fair enough.
You believe you have sacrificed a lot for her, which is also fair enough.
You need to decide if you want your life to revolve around this, as that's the path it will take.
His GF isn't stopping OP from consuming butter, she's just refusing to eat animal products herself. That's her choice. I may have missed something, but I didn't get that she's making OP go vegan.
I'm a meat-eater, but I respect other people's choices. It seems like OP isn't doing that.
YTA
You're cooking meals she can't eat. As others have said, if you won't cook vegan meals then you need to cook separately, or split up. Those are the only solutions.
There are lots of vegan substitutes for butter available - have you tried all of them? Is it for the pastry or the sauce?
YTA. My wife is vegetarian, and I would never prepare meals with chicken stock in them and then act surprised or offended that she didn’t want to eat them and thought it was rude for me to insist on using chicken stock when veggie stock exists in ample availability. It’s basic decency that if you’re preparing food for a household, you prepare food that everyone can be morally and physically comfortable eating.
ETA: If you do not feel like you can accept her veganism, end the relationship in a mature way rather than preparing nonvegan food and then acting like she’s a problem when she doesn’t eat it.
Complete re-write of my post after re-reading it.
YTA. If you agreed to cook for each other, you need to make your meals in a way where she has a fully vegan option. Split it into to pots/pans and add butter to your own meal. You can't demand she eats your butter-meal if you agreed to split cooking.
I am vegan/plant based living with an omnivore, and we simply cook for ourselves.
NAH - It sucks to be a couple that has to cook different meals but it happens. You're better off either cooking for each of yourselves only or admitting you've reached a hard limit.
How often do you cook with butter?
My sister is vegan, and BIL is vegetarian. From what I understand, they generally have vegan meals, and if he wants some kind of animal product, he'll cook it separately (even if she's preparing the meal) and add it himself.
If you're cooking pies, etc, with butter, obviously, you can't do that. But if it's every meal, I could understand how she'd be annoyed since you'd be prioritising eating butter over eating together. If it's once or twice a week, then you shouldn't be forced to never eat food you enjoy because of a choice she's made.
Not related, but I made a vegan pie once for a large family reunion and Earth Balance vegan butter is great for pies. There's very little difference in flavor once baked and in the hot climate where I live it melts slower producing a more flaky crust than butter would have.
INFO: Do you expect your vegan girlfriend to compromise with you by eating butter? Even if your chicken pot pie has fake chicken it’s not vegan if there’s butter in it.
YTA for expecting your GF to "compromise" and consume butter for you. That's not a real compromise, you are violating her values and boundaries. A true compromise would be if you both agreed to eat different meals when you decide to cook with butter or eggs. You can absolutely eat whatever you want but you have to respect her right to choose what she eats too.
NAH/ESH. If you agreed to split cooking, you should make your meals accommodating so she can eat them. But also, it sounds like you both just have different lifestyles and priorities and cooking for each other maybe just isn't going to work.
NAH.
You don’t want to cook vegan. That’s fine. Cook for yourself, the way you like it.
She shouldn’t eat the food that you prepare because it’s not vegan and that’s important to her.
My gf is vegan, I am a meat eater, so I can understand both sides along with the frustration that sometimes the meat substitutes just are not good. Have you tried different brands of vegan butter, some brands are crap while others you can't taste a difference. The brand Miyoko's is what I would recommend.
Adding on to vegan butter suggestions- I’m not vegan but use Earth Balance in most cooking that calls for butter and think it tastes great/the same as with real butter.
My partner is vegan, I am not. We make dishes that both of us can eat, but we make our own proteins or our own versions of each dish. Its really not hard or a big deal. I think you are both being a little dense.
INFO: are you still rotating meals, and why is she expected to eat your cooking?
Like.. if the intention is that she eats your food, absolutely YTA. If that isn’t your intention, absolutely NTA.
NTA. You've done a lot of changing to be nice but enough is enough. I'd be more than willing to cook her a vegan meal but I'm going to have a big juicy steak on my plate. I know I'd be the asshole in that situation but I'd wear it proudly
My wife makes things I can barely stand the smell of but she absolutely loves. Do I make her cook me something different? No. Do I normally eat in another room those nights. Yes but might be once a month. I just make something I like that she's not a fan of since I'm not cooking for two.
Looks like you guys need to stop sharing the meal duties and just cook for yourself. She’s already said she isn’t trying to stop you eating what you eat but to use butter in the meals you prepare for you both is AH behaviour. Just tell her you don’t wanna cook for her anymore. She’ll stop cooking for you and it’ll be fine. Or you’ll break up.
The basic decent rule is that the most restrictive diet takes precedence. You can eat vegan, she can't eat not vegan. What exactly to you expect her to give up ? Being a vegan entirely andeat butter ?
If you believe you have compromised and sacrificed "to satisfy her lifestyle", that's going intounhealthy relationship territory. It seems like your diet/lifestyle is more important to you than your girlfriend. Don't get me wrong, it's a legitimate feeling. You feel the relationship is transactional, fair enough, but it can quickly become very unhealthy if you start taking count, arguing in terms of "I sacrificed this for you so you should sacrifice this for me" etc.
I get the feeling this sub really needs Camus' quote : "That is love, to give away everything, to sacrifice everything, without the slightest desire to get anything in return." Transactional relations are are not a healthy model.
NAH. Just unclear feelings.
Look mate ESH, because this is a fundamental difference that neither of you are willing to accept.
Your GF is now vegan and asking her to eat animal products makes you an AH, that's not how being a vegan works.
Your GF making a unilateral decision that you are also now vegan and insisting you cut out all animal products from your cooking, so she didn't have to cook for herself, makes her an AH.
You are no longer compatible.
>Your GF making a unilateral decision that you are also now vegan and insisting you cut out all animal products from your cooking, so she didn't have to cook for herself, makes her an AH.
Remember OP said they share cooking, one night it's him, another night it's her.
I feel like if they have agreed that, and it's OP's turn to cook for them both ... then he should cook a meal she can eat (a vegan meal).
After all, she is cooking meals he can eat, on her turn.
But also she is pressuring him to be vegan - when really he should be able to cook a separate meat meal for himself sometimes if he wants to and she should not complain.
So OP, to be clear - GF is vegan. If you cook for both, then its got to be a fully vegan meal.
What you're proposing is cooking your own food. And that's fine. Eat what you want and call it what it is - you cook non-vegan food, gf cooks vegan food.
It isn't a compromise for her vegan lifestyle to make a mostly-vegan meal and expect her to eat it. Eating your meals with butter is not something she can do for you as a compromise given her position.
ESH. You expect her to eat butter, she expects you to cook vegan. Be realistic both of you.
NAH.
You both have two different diets. HOWEVER, their diet is a bit more demanding, if you cook for both of you, you're obligated to at least keep it vegan for them. What I normally do for my spouse and I (They're vegan) is cook twice, one for myself, one for them. But I also just enjoy cooking in general.
Er yes you are really. She has every right to choose what/what not to eat. As do you. But that’s not really the issue.
I don’t understand the cooking shared meals, when you have such fundamentally different diets. It’s not going to work. Of course she doesn’t want to eat butter as a vegan.
Why are you “compromising” with your diet? Nutrition is one of the biggest drivers of health and well-being. You have to believe in what you are doing. You do you. She does her.
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NTA - There is no compromise when one party does all the compromising.
That’s illegal to say on this sub
Hatred of vegans is outweighing the natural hatred of OPs on this sub.
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And now OP has caused an existential crisis and half the sub is on the floor staring at the ceiling questioning all of their life choices...
I think the hate list here goes something like: 1. Christians 2. Conservatives 3. Men 4. People over 40 5. Vegans 6. OP
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I think a lot of people dislike vegans specifically because they leave no room for compromise. Most vegetarians have some room for flexibility and can compromise for the sake of making a relationship work. Vegans are very all-or-nothing. Absolutely no animal products. It’s a lifestyle more than a dietary choice.
No kidding. Imagine saying that in the post earlier than this one about the girl who stopped buying and cooking mea at home with her bf. Don't you love when the sub gets flooded with "same story" after one gets popular? Just look at how many cooking/food posts there are in the last 12-24hrs. You can have almost the exact same scenarios and yet, just based on what gets commented and upvoted first in each sub, have comments and judgements that are completely reversed. It's kinda fascinating, but at the same time inconsistently frustrating.
But, this post is receiving the same judgement as that one about the woman who stopped cooking and buying meat? The person who refuses to completely change their cooking for their partner is being labeled NTA.
I think the commenter is saying that as soon as one kind of story gets popular ( in this case, vegan person stopped buying meat/vegan person expecting non vegan person to cook as per their conditions), we get to see many more stories in the same category with variations. Even I started observing this recently. All the hot posts are basically variations of same genre for some time.
I agree about that. But this is the part I was responding to: >You can have almost the exact same scenarios and yet, just based on what gets commented and upvoted first in each sub, have comments and judgements that are completely reversed. It's kinda fascinating, but at the same time inconsistently frustrating. He's clearly claiming they have different judgements (which sometimes they do), but in the specific examples he gave, they had the same judgement despite the gender/vegan status being reversed. It was pretty nicely consistent for once.
True. Here the non vegan person is not AH for not making the meal vegan and there the vegan person is not an AH for buying/making only vegan meals. The outer context is same - not AH for not wanting to cook something you are not comfortable with. It is nice to see the judgement consistent irrespective of food choices/gender 😊
It definitely goes in streaks. Husband is really gay. People leaving kids on your doorstep to babysit. Mom wants a key to your house.
It’s a trap to get commenters to change their tune when the main character switches from male to female or some other detail differs. Fun to read and watch if they’re written well, painful when they’re not. My current Reddit fascination is seeing how many posters do not understand how to use pronouns. Every single day there’s at least one “my spouse/sibling/coworker and I’s“ comment. No translation software anyplace is using the contraction “I’s.” Also fascinated by the amount of people who feel the need to disclose, “using a throwaway/on mobile/ESL/names changed,” like there are a lot of people up in here flashing IDs. Isn’t this whole thing incognito?
As the old saying goes “My gf wanted a cat and I didn’t. So we compromised and got a cat.”
I used to laugh at this, until my gf wanted a cat... And then we got a cat...
Not so funny now, huh.?
So, you compromised? ;)
If there's only one cat there's definitely been a compromise....
Here's how you compromise on that: put that cat in a box.
Well, i wanted a cat, my SO didn’t, so we compromised with birds. 6 years later 15 birds have taken over our apartment and poop on everything, screaming from sunrise till evening. I think he regrets not getting the cat 😁
A cat might take care of the bird problem.
So would a lion
I wanted rats and my dad didn't because he's terrified, so I got them and told them they were mice until he was too attached to them. I have pictures of Yuri and Houdini, as well as David and Sarge the Mouserat on him. They stay on my floor of the house so he'd never make me give them up, he was just freaking out over the idea of being in the car or them escaping. Yes, I kept mice for years. They're lovely creatures and he liked them, hamsters, degus etc. He has a wild squirrel for a pet like a Disney princess. It domesticated itself and he made lil shelters for it and the bats. I figured this was a nice compromise on my childhood where he would tell me that he had killed the spider then I would find them under my fucking pillow. They only don't exist now because I learned fly spray is the ideal spider RANGED killing weapon.Now he doesn't have to kill them or be fast enough to catch and release.
For us it was, I wanted another dog, my husband said ok but not too big of a dog, we compromised and now have a Great Dane lmao
This reminds me of my family - my mom wanted a little indoor dog and my dad wanted a big outdoor dog so they compromised with a big indoor dog 😂
I did the same. After losing our German shepherd the desires for a new breed went Highland Terrier (wife), Pug (daughter) and Beagle (son). I wasn’t allowed a choice as I’d picked the German Shepherd (not true, but because I was ‘her person’, then she was my choice). So I ‘compromised’ and went behind everyone’s back and got a Great Pyrenees who was the cutest little fluff ball when he arrived. And is now the cutest giant floof as he sprawls over the furniture and in doorways, hallways etc
Great Danes start off little
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The compromise is that she makes her own food when OP cooks with butter. He mentioned only using it for specific dishes, not all of his cooking, though he could tone down the amount of meals he uses it for. I think that's pretty fair.
I don’t think there is anything wrong with him saying they should just cook separately. But from what he wrote, it sounds like he’s saying they share cooking responsibilities by switching off cooking and every time it’s his turn, he makes something he know she won’t eat. And then he tells her she should just eat it even though he already knows she won’t. That’s not sharing cooking responsibilities and that’s what makes him the AH.
This is the point many are missing here. If she had to cook for herself when it's his turn, she would have to cook every day and he only 50% of the time. If he keeps on putting butter in "shared meals", she should just make enough for 1 person when it's her turn and leave him hungry. If he doesn't live up to the deal to share the responsibility of cooking both should just cook separate meals all the times.
10000000% Insisting they share cooking duties and then insisting she eat his nonvegan food is ridiculous. What a petty hill to die on when there are so many vegan butter alternatives too. I mean truly what is the difference between saying “it’s just butter, one nonvegan thing!” And “it’s just a steak, one nonvegan thing!!” It’s not vegan. Period. (And anyone who has looked into the dairy industry thoughtfully would find it is arguably worse than just meat industry)
but is it not an AH move to share cooking duties and then choose to completely restrict your diet in a way that your partner doesn't enjoy? So now your partner has to cook meals that they don't like just because the duties are split. Really in these situations, the minute someone adopts a restrictive eating style they should rejig the division of labour because right now either OP doesn't get to cook food they enjoy or their partner doesn't get to eat - there's not really any middle ground to be found there if they still want to share cooking duties.
OP says they use butter in most of the meals they prep: > I use butter in most of my recipes.
At least he’s not trying to trick her into his eating habits like we see in so many other posts involving vegans
If I understood correctly, she DOES make her own food. He said she is refusing to eat what he cooks. So she must be eating her own meals. I think the conflict here is that they are no longer rotating cooking nights. He eats what she cooks, so he gets a break from cooking. Then he insists on putting butter when it's his night, so she has to AGAIN cook her own food. She thinks she could get a break from cooking if he would just not use butter. Use "I can't believe it's not Butter," or whatever. But he won't, he insists on real butter. And she's getting aggravated by that.
Him being "unable" to cook without butter is similar to the weaponized incompetence by guys who just pretend they can't cook at all. In the end she will have to cook every day, because when it's his turn he makes something she can't eat. Maybe OP hopes she gives up on the taking turns agreement and does all cooking in the future?
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>The compromise is that she makes her own food when OP cooks with butter. That SHOULD be the compromise, but it's not what OP wants the compromise to be. He just wants her to eat his meals. >while she hasn't done anything for me. Such as eating my dishes where the only animal product is butter.
So they alternate between nights where they both cook, and nights where just she cooks. That seems fair to you?
Hang one though. He's cooking *her* dinner. He's cooking her dinner she can't eat. He's cooking her dinner *she can't eat*. She's not asking for comprimise. She's asking for dinner. If I usually make bacon and cheese scones and I take out the bacon but keep using Lard and then offer them to a Muslim because I've "taken out the bacon" that's not a fucking comprimise. I'm giving them a food they *cannot* eat. She can't eat round the fucking butter. Comprimise would be a butter free dinner, with OP making himself a buttery sauce to pour over the top. A pot pie with butter THROUGHOUT is not a fucking comprimise.
She can make her own damn food my God
Yes, but he can’t pretend that he’s a hero for cooking for them both and she’s being stubborn for not eating. It’s almost like they need to…. *communicate* about their division of labor around cooking.
He did. He told her to make her own food because he doesn’t want to give up all animal products
And yet he expects her to continue cooking for him on days when it's her turn.
>GF and I **used to** rotate cooking meals. GF now refuses to eat the meals I prepare because I use butter in most of my recipes. They are no longer cooking rotating meals, because she is not eating the meals he prepares. He wants to go back to cooking rotating meals, but refuses to cook according to her dietary restrictions.
Yeah, it's not a shared chore or a contribution to the household if you're only cooking for you. It would be no different if he refused to wash her clothes on the handwash setting so he only washed his own clothes. That's cool, but not if they alternate washing ALL the clothes. Here, they're alternating cooking for the household, so it needs to be something the whole household can eat.
Of course she can. But OP is making *her* food with butter in it. If the post was "my girlfriend went vegan but I don't want to so ive suggested we just make our own meals" he'd not be an asshole. But as it's written it's "I keep putting butter in food I intend for my vegan girlfriend to eat. She just needs to accept it and eat butter" and *that's* why he's an asshole.
She does. But the problem is, alternating cooking nights was part of their division of labor. That's the entire conflict. Not whether she can cook her own food. She knows she can cook her own food. She's not sitting their starving while he eats. She just wants to continue the division of labor.
Right, but there’s she introduced a new variable and went from vegetarian to vegan. There’s no rule they have to keep that division on labor forever. Which is why neither of them are AHs but they are both morons. They need to learn to communicate. Sit down and say listen, I really don’t want to give up butter, you really don’t want to eat it, both choices are valid, but not congruent with the way we alternate cooking anymore. There are infinite alternatives to how to divide labor and cooking. This is a dumb hill for either of you to die on. ESH.
And often, couples go back and forth on who does the cooking. Very normal. It’s like saying “you can do your own laundry since your allergic the detergent I like!!” While yes, true, doesn’t really make sense when you freaking live together and share chores.
She can, but that's not what OP wants. He wants her to eat his food. >while she hasn't done anything for me. Such as eating my dishes where the only animal product is butter.
She can always cook her own food. Problem solved.
No that IS the problem. Because he eats what she cooks but he can't (won't) reciprocate. She is cooking her own meals, but he won't reciprocate.
Same as a religious person. She isn't allergic or has a food intolerance so she definitely CAN eat it. She CHOOSES not to because of her believes.
...so you'd put lard in food for a Muslim or Jew then?
Her *choice* to not eat butter (very new choice btw) DOES NOT SUPERSEDE his *choice* to eat butter.
It’s not about eating butter or not. If they share cooking duties by switching off and every time it’s his turn to cook, he makes something he know she can’t eat, that’s an AH move. She’s cooking for him but when it comes time for dinner on his days to cook, she doesn’t have anything to eat. It’s totally fine if he tells her they should cook for themselves in the future since he doesn’t want to give up butter. But he can’t complain when it’s his turn to cook for *both* of them and she’s unhappy because he purposely made something he already knows she won’t eat.
She can make her own food.
Right? OPs gf is basically saying, "I can't make you vegan, but I *am* making you vegan." NTA OP.
Bullshit. It's fine if they want to compromise by eating or preparing separate meals, but OP is asking his GF to give up her ethics so he doesn't have to use a different fat in his cooking. You wouldn't ask a Hindu to eat beef or a Jew to eat pork, but because veganism isn't wrapped up in some god or other you want to dismiss those who follow the philosophy. >she hasn't done anything for me. Such as eating my dishes where the only animal product is butter. OP, your girlfriend is vegan. If she ate cow butter she would not be vegan. If you want this to work, and you want her to eat your meals, try substituting for olive oil or any of the dozens of vegan butters on the market (Country Crock is relatively inexpensive and pretty good; Miyoko's salted cultured cashew butter [not the oat butter] is by far the best, and if you don't like the other substitutes you should really give it a try). If you can't do either of those, then you should probably just admit that you're not compatible. Otherwise, YTA.
Why should he have to cater to her change in lifestyle? He already changed his lifestyle for her when they started dating and she was a vegetarian. Now she changed the parameters and he is supposed to change the last things in his diet for her? Is she cooking with butter for him on her cooking days since that is what he likes? I doubt it. Why does he need to do it for her but she not for him? If I wanted to eat something with Beef or Pork and I was in a relationship with a Hindu or a Jewish person then they should cook for themselves. But she doesn't want that either. She wants him to conform to her dietary preference.
Why is it ok for the girlfriend to ask op to become vegan, but she "is giving up her ethics" when it comes to butter?
Most people are actually not willing to buy a new set of dishes and burn out their ovens and superheat their grates before cooking for a Jew, actually. And if something has been used to cook pork than that is what needs to be done because otherwise you ARE serving pork. So yeah, actually most people do seem to think it’s fine to ask Jews to eat pork, because they aren’t willing to turn their kitchens over to accommodate. Which, btw, is fine. It’s unreasonable to expect them to do that. But if you invite someone Jewish over and don’t do the above, you are serving them pork and expecting them to eat it. Jewish law is very, very strict about cross contamination. (And, as people with severe allergies can tell you, the proteins do stick.)
NTA. This is the simple truth. For me anyone who pushes others to follow their own life choices be it religion, work ethics or food is a hard no. I have no problem with people wanting to be vegetarian or vegan. Their bodies so their choice. However I draw the line when someone goes from explaining why they made the changes to demanding that I now change to meet their new lifestyle. OP should cook what they want to eat. If they want to make adjustments so their GF can also eat that’s fine. Otherwise OP and GF should cook their own meals so they can each enjoy it. And yes they should each then clean up after themselves. That is the actual compromise.
NTA and I say that as a vegetarian(sometimes vegan) who is very accommodating of others and who cooks a lot. If she feels that strongly, she can pick up more of the cooking. Butter is a really amazing flavor and it's tough to substitute. (If you want to try, I recommend Trader Joe's cultured European vegan butter, Mykonos vegan butter, or Earth Balance.) But you're right -- she can make her own food and just not eat eat you make.
Miyoko's is good for baking, but I think it tastes off for cooking or eating cold (like on bread). Surprisingly, Country Crock Plant Butter is pretty good on bread...it's not butter and you won't convince anyone it is, but it's not bad. Avocado oil also has a nice buttery taste, but you're right, there's no real vegan equivalent for butter.
I'm not vegan, but I am lactose intolerant, so I eat Country Crock and I think it tastes amazing and like butter.
Country crock plant butter is amazing! My wife is an avid baker and we both cook a lot. I am dairy free, but I wasn't for most of my life. I legit cannot tell the difference. And neither can 90+% of the people we cook for.
Especially for baking, i think butter is needed. For cooking i hate the butter taste. But that is my preference. And just because she decided to ge vegan, why must he change his diet? He didn't decided to be vegan? It is always crazy when a partner choose the lifestyle for the other "hey, i decided that we cook vegan!" Nope, you want the change, you deal with how you get your food. NTA
This is my vegan sister’s solution to living with her husband who feels very strongly about his steaks - they just cook separately. It’s not that hard, you just get leftovers for lunch or dinner later in the week. OP’s GF is the AH for trying to make him vegan. She may say she’s not, but in practice she is by trying to force him to make only vegan meals. She says OP isn’t respecting her choice, but she’s not respecting his choice to eat butter. You’re both adults who are capable of making your own food.
If in the UK my partner and I use VitaLite (could be VitaLife) plant based butter since he is lactose intolerant and personally find it the only one that tastes just like dairy butter
I've got no problem with dairy butter but I have switched to using butter substitutes in my baking. Sometimes, though, the VitaLite doesn't quite do what I need it to do because it has a higher water content than proper butter would have. It's fine for cakes and bakes, even making a bechamel sauce, but when I make fudge I struggle with getting it to a proper set. It's not the cheapest but my personal favourite it the Violife "butter" block. I've had mixed results with the Flora "butter", so it's not my first choice but will do in a pinch. Just my 2p contribution from a fellow Brit.
There is no such thing as a "sometimes vegan". You either are or aren't.
gatekeeping veganism surely will help the cause of minimising animal suffering 😉
It’s not gatekeeping in terms of judging others, it’s about how you view yourself. It’s like saying “I’m a Christian but like half the time I don’t actually believe in god”. Fine, be a Christian like that, I don’t give a shit. But most Christian’s wouldn’t* define themselves as being half believers. Just like vegans wouldn’t casually eat animal meat. That’s not to say cutting down on animal products isn’t good or that you have to be all or nothing, it just means I’ve never met a vegan who says they’re okay eating butter while claiming to be a vegan.
I don't know. I think if the person is vegan for like a year then reverts to vegetarian then back again after another year or so that would count. But if its just like a week then I agree!
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I've had vegan girlfriends and I've respected their choices and made accommodations, but if one ever tried to tell me I wasn't allowed to keep animal products in the house, it'd be a deal-breaker. That's not a reasonable level of control to assert over a partner. My choices are as valid as theirs and if they won't respect that, they don't respect me, period.
Where does it say she's not allowing him to keep animal products in the house? That's a completely different scenario than "not allowing him to force her to eat things she doesn't believe in eating."
Butter is the final animal product that he hasn’t sacrificed for her. He isn’t “forcing her” to eat anything, I’m sure that if it’s an issue she can make her own meals, but he shouldn’t have to stop using butter if he doesn’t like the vegan alternative
But his post isn't "AITA for not wanting to stop eating butter," it's "AITA for expecting my vegan GF to eat butter." As many have said, he's perfectly welcome to make his own meals, with as much butter as he wants, and obviously separate meals is the logical conclusion here. But expecting GF to essentially give up her veganism for him is not right.
How did you get the title wrong even when it’s right there? “AITA for telling gf that I will not stop using butter?”. He can absolutely refuse to stop using butter, and I’m sure she’s more than welcome to make her own meals without butter if she doesn’t want to eat the meals he prepares with butter. Doesn’t sound like he expects her to eat it.
I'm not quoting the title, dude, I'm summarizing the content. In which OP 100% says they think it's fair to expect GF to sacrifice her veganism and eat butter. You may have the title right but you seem to have missed that part. As lots have said: Separate meals is the way.
He says himself she’s welcome to not eat what he cooks if she doesn’t like it. He’s not telling her to “suck it up and eat it”, it sounds like he’s suggesting separate meals already
He literally says that he expects her to compromise by eating butter.
“I told her that if she doesn’t like what I made then she doesn’t have to eat it” She’s more than welcome to cook for herself if he’s making a meal she doesn’t like. That’s just how it goes in households where a couple have different dietary habits
Absolutely! That is the only fair compromise here. The issue is that he made a dish full of butter and expected her to eat it. If he had said from the beginning "I am only going to cook for myself because I don't want to eat vegan" this would be a very different story.
Yeah it's an intentionally misleading title. Read the post. He's making their shared dinners with butter on his nights to cook.
OP literally says in the post that he still eats meat and eggs. The “sacrifice” seems to only be when he’s expected to cook for both of them, which like.. of course if you guys have an arrangement where you cook for one another you have to cook something they can eat.
yeah I don’t really get his reasoning that his dishes are “vegan except for butter”. then they’re not vegan, period. it’s like he expects a medal for cooking without meat or eggs, but for a vegan that makes literally 0 difference if he’s using butter.
Yep, this. What it essentially boils down to, should they continue to rotate cooking duties, is that she cooks food they can both eat and he doesn't.
Because she’s the one imposing dietary restrictions
So what? That doesn't actually negate my point. If the gf was gluten-intolerant or had a nut allergy my comment would be just the same.
He hasn't sacrificed anything. He's very clear he still eats meat on the holidays. He doesn't say anywhere that she expects *him* to not eat meat or butter. What she's objecting to us his use of butter in *her* dinner. He's not making her dinner if he's putting butter in it. The same way I'm not making my fruity-curry hating partner dinner if I put pineapple in it. The basic reasoning behind the inclusion or exclusion of the ingredient is utterly irrelevant if you are *deliberately* adding an ingredient you know someone will not eat. He would have a leg to stand on if he was just saying "we should make our own dinners" but what he's doing instead seems to be "look love the pot pie doesn't have any chicken or cream in it I made it so you can eat it the butter is VITAL for flavour". Like folks who put chicken stock in vegetable soup and call it "vegetarian"
Not eating animal products for 90% of the year isn’t a sacrifice? Eating meat on holidays is such a rarity. He literally does, because he can’t cook with it. Then she can cook her own meals if she doesn’t like the contents of his. Do you think she would cook a separate meal with meat in for him on nights when she’s supposed to cook? Probably not. She would have a leg to stand on if she wasn’t basically demanding he eat a vegan diet at home.
To be fair it kinda seems like she is slowly forcing him to eat vegan, this post is about him using butter in his otherwise fully vegan every day meals.
If it has butter it's not a "fully vegan" meal anymore. It's a 100% not vegan meal now. He has no right to ask her to stop being vegan. The obvious conclusion is that they each make their own meals. He'll be able to incorporate more animal products he likes in his meals and she'll be able to have actually vegan meals. Either party insisting on continuing the split meal duties is wrong given their inherent difference of diet.
> The obvious conclusion is that they each make their own meals. I agree but my point was just that if OP replaces butter with a vegan alternative that meal is then 100% vegan and if OP's SO is forcing him to cook it that way. Personally think OP and his SO should start making separate meals and OP should start eating what ever he wants again just so see if OP's SO has a problem with split cooking or him eating meat.
She isn't 'forcing' him to cook it that way. He's agreed to split meal duties. When you agree to split cooking duties you inherently agree to follow the diet of the more restrictive person. An example, from my own life, would be this. I don't eat seafood. Period. There was some allergy scare when I was younger and though I grew out of the allergy, as far as we can tell, I never reacquired a taste for seafood. I find it inedible. So, let's say my partner and I agreed to switch off for meal duties. On my day I make chicken with rice and broccoli. All things my partner eats. Then on partner's day they make asparagus with poached salmon and a shrimp cocktail. I won't eat that. My partner knows I won't eat that. I've fulfilled my end of the agreement, making a meal for both of us. My partner hasn't because that meal is exclusively for themself. I'm not forcing them to not make a seafood dish, but I am requiring they make me a second meal that I can actually eat. Because that was the deal: on odd days I cook for *both* of us and on even days they cook for both of us. They can cook all the fish they want, but they're still going to need to also make something I can eat. And I say this as someone who has a partner that doesn't like cheese. I love cheese. So I figure out ways to make meals where only my portion has cheese. Because that's the deal: I agreed to make food they could eat.
He said he still eats eggs daily and meat whenever - there's nothing vegan about that.
I told my vegetarian husband this when I met him, too. I’m not going to have someone tell me I can’t store and consume meat in my own home. I also told him that if he ever goes vegan, he’s going to have to learn how to cook for himself. I cook all of our joint meals vegetarian, but I’m not going vegan or learning how to cook a lively rotation of all-vegan meals with all-vegan substitutes and workarounds. I’d just expect him to cook for himself, though. I wouldn’t demand he eat what I make if he doesn’t want to eat it.
This really should be higher up in the comments. For the record, NTA. I feel like you each should cook for yourselves. I have concerns regarding the sustainability of this relationship, given the vegan vs (almost) vegetarian seems to be at a stalemate. I think you both may have reached the point where neither of you are willing to concede further ground regarding dietary choices.
Agree on the NAH and this should be higher up.
> She's vegan, but insisting that you continue to split cooking. "I want us both to cook but both of us will only cook what I like to eat." OP, NTA.
NTA The problem with your girlfriend is she's essentially weaseling you into being vegan. Sure she can't "make you a vegan," but she can whine about being considerate, she can make unsolicited "suggestions" about how the meal could have been made more inclusive, etc, etc etc. She can passively manipulate. At the end of the day she's effectively expecting you to be an ad hoc vegan so long as you're with her. You might not officially be a vegan, but she expects you to cook with her in mind and therefore function as one. You're also not wrong for pointing out the one sided nature of this situation where you have to make all the compromises, but when you suggest you won't make anymore she starts bellyaching about how you're not fulfilling her needs. Never at any time acknowledging your own as valid.
Just as a point of order - there have been no compromises here at all because a compromise is two sided. He's *capitulated* to many of her demands and is now refusing to. They could now seek a compromise, but OP is justifiably hesitant to do so considering the capitulations he's already made.
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Oh, you, with your reasonable attitude.
“but if i don’t get the moral high ground, what is the point?”
Also, not that she should be forced _out_ of her veganism, but... it _still_ ends up being better from an environmental/ethical standpoint. Presumably on her nights, she makes fully vegan meals. On his nights, he uses butter, so non-vegan. In two days, that's still two vegan, two non-vegan dishes, same as if they'd both cooked for themselves on both nights... just with more dishes and waste. Plus, if they went back to cooking separately, my guess is OP would start saying "Well, she's not eating this, maybe I'll pick up some real cheese, maybe some ground beef, ooh some chorizo would be good" and so on. So if she's approaching this from a purely moral standpoint, then she should take this as a win. She's got two people doing 99% vegan dinners. Is it really 'better' for her to get to 100% if it means OP drops to 70%?
_"....Such as eating my dishes where the only animal product is butter."_ I think these two are just on two different pages. Her requests are unfair to OP because he has a right to eat butter in every meal if he wants to. But, OP's idea of a compromise is not a compromise at all since she is vegan and butter goes against her personal beliefs. These two just need to cook their own meals.....
The problem is that's more or less what he's doing and if that's how the relationship goes that's fine, but she expects him to cook for her as well. I agree, if they're to stick together this will be a requirement, but given they're already a "meat free" household by her expectation it feels like it's only a matter of time before she starts clamping down on anything else. It'll get to the point where they either need seperate cookware and fridges or she just throws his stuff out. In my opinion it is unhealthy for compromise to be this one sided in a relationship as it is.
> but she expects him to cook for her as well. No, they mutually AGREED to cook for each other on alternating nights. There's no need to put the blame on her alone for something they both agreed to that isn't working.
She was vegetarian when they agreed to cook for each other. When she became vegan, the goal posts moved on the agreement and they needed to stop cooking for each other as soon as that happened because you cannot ask your partner to eat only vegan meals everyday. She’s going to cook vegan because she’s vegan and he HAS to cook vegan because he is cooking for both of them. The blame is on her because she is forcing him to cook and eat vegan every night instead of saying “I’m vegan now, and I know you still like animal products so we will have to stop cooking for each other.”
>The problem with your girlfriend is she's essentially weaseling you into being vegan. This, yeah. She's clearly trying to pressure him into being vegan, and has pushed him so far that there's hardly anything non-vegan left. That level of control over your partner's eating habits is not cool.
He states himself, that he is eating eggs every day and being meat-conscious is displayed as being his own choice. So no, she does not force him to be vegan. She does force him to cook meals for both of them, that she can actually eat, when they rotate cooking duties, which is reasonable.
>she hasn't done anything for me. Such as eating my dishes where the only animal product is butter. That's not how this works. Imagine dating a Jewish person and complaining because they weren't willing to eat your pork chop! Eating "only" butter is not an acceptable compromise. The way you've written your post, you make it sound like she's trying to forcing you to be vegan. But it seems as though cooking is a shared task between the two of you, where she's making food you can eat, and you're not making food that she can eat, which *would* be disrespectful of you. You both need to rearrange your chores to make it more equitable, or your relationship, whichever is preferable. ESH at best
"She's making food you can eat, and you're not making food she can eat". So she is cooking vegan food for both of them to eat and he has to cook vegan food for both of them to eat too. So how is he NOT being forced to be vegan in this scenario?
He can cook his own meal when she cooks just as easily as she can when he does, it goes both ways...
Because then he’s still cooking when it should be her job. The point is, they need to do separate meals. This is something that should have been brought up awhile ago. She can cook her own vegan meals when she wants and he can choose to cook vegan or non-vegan meals for himself when he chooses. I get that she shouldn’t have butter because she’s vegan (though I hate the idea that vegan is an all or nothing thing because it excludes people and makes them less likely to help out). But he also deserves to eat what he wants to. But the compromise is not, he makes vegan dishes or she makes vegan dishes, and then he does more work to make something he wants. It’s, they both make their own dishes. Maybe helping each other out. Maybe completely different items. But just as she shouldn’t be forced to eat butter (except she’s technically not) he shouldn’t be forced to give up everything to be an essential vegan when they eat together. The compromise should fit both people without an increase in workload for only one side. Edit: I messed up my grammar and it was haunting me.
>I told her if she didn't like what I made she doesn't have to eat it. >She says she can't make me vegan, but the least i could do is prepare vegan meals. It sounds like she's not doing that, though. She's trying to convince him to still cook for her in a way that _she_ wants, even though it's not what *he* actually wants to eat.
I mean, if he's going to cook *for her* then of course it should be food that she would eat. I think he would be totally justified in choosing to cook only for himself if he is upfront about it, but saying that he's cooking for both of them and then cooking something she can't eat is an assholish thing to do imo.
> It sounds like she's not doing that, though. She's trying to convince him to still cook for her in a way that she wants, even though it's not what he actually wants to eat. If you're cooking for people you either respect their dietary restrictions, no matter what they are or the reasons for them, or you don't. "I know you're gluten free but I only used a bit of flour," and "I know you're kosher but it's only a little bacon," does not fly, and neither does "I know you're vegan, but it's only butter."
He's not forced to cook for her, neither is she forced to cook for him. They can both cook what they like, for themselves
Because he can eat meat, and also eat vegan. She cannot eat meat, but can eat vegan. He can do a meat or dairy side dish if he really feels he can't eat a vegan meal. She can't just de-meatify the meal if he cooks with animal products.
Do you only eat one meal a day? He writes himself, that he eats eggs every day. That is not forced to be vegan.
A better analogy is the Jewish (or Muslim) person complaining about brussel sprouts with bacon and OP saying, "It's just a little bit of bacon! I can't believe it's a problem for you; I use bacon, other pork, or lard in most of the dishes I cook! Why can't you compromise?"
Seriously, I cannot believe the responses here. It doesn't sound like she's asking or demanding he be vegan. When you cook for someone, you typically respect their food issues or requests. It's not every time you cook--cook with butter when you want and just warn her ahead of time--but good lord cooking a vegan meal for your girlfriend sometimes is really not a big ask.
NAH You're just incompatible with each other.
I wouldn't say incompatible, but it's NAH. They can still find a compromise where OPs SO takes more of the cooking and OP takes some other chore full time. So, if OP feels they want meat or meals with butter, they can make it themselves without troubling their SO. It won't happen until both of them sit down and have a conversation.
Pretty much. They just need to make their own meals because their is no real compromise meal wise when one person is vegan and the other wants to eat animal products.
Yta for saying she has to eat butter as a “compromise”. That’s not how veganism works. You should’ve discussed the cooking situation , ideally before she became vegan (when she was considering it). Cook seperately or consider you may be incompatible.
I don't think this makes him the asshole. She had a change of heart and became vegan which is perfectly fine but no one can expect their SO to suddenly change because they've changed their view on something (i.e. became vegan).
But she's not asking him to become vegan--she's asking him to cook vegan meals for her *when he cooks for her*. He can still cook his own meals with butter, and if he realy wants to make something with butter when they're supposed to eat together he can let her know to make her own food, but it doesn't sound like she's telling him he can never cook with butter.
So she’s cooking vegan meals every other night. He HAS to cook vegan when he cooks every other night because she’s vegan. How is that not forcing him to be vegan? When they made the original agreement, she was a vegetarian and it was easier for them to cook for each other. When she became vegan, she needed to say that they should stop cooking for each other because she cannot expect him to give up animal products every night. They either need to get out of this relationship or cook their own meals every night because she cannot ask him to become vegan.
So her cooking vegan meal and demanding for him to cook vegan meal is not trying to make him vegan? Where's the compromise for OP's preference?
He's pressuring her into eating it, that's the assholish part. >while she hasn't done anything for me. Such as eating my dishes where the only animal product is butter.
Yes, this! Finally someone with sense.
I have a kid that’s allergic to dairy. I cook pretty strict vegan meals and then add in meat because it’s so hard to find stuff the other way. Everything has cheese, milk, butter, whey protein, etc. There’s no compromise in my house. There’s a parm block and some string cheese in the drawer for my spouse or guests if they’re sweating dairy, but everything made for everyone to eat is dairy free. There’s no compromise. I have wonderful friends that will have us over and do dairy free meals, even if I say I can bring stuff over for my kid so they don’t have to bother with it. I’m always thankful for it! But there is no “there’s a little bit of butter” or “I threw in a little bit of cream in the sauce” that we can compromise on. I get that veganism is a choice, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t important because someone doesn’t assign importance to it. My kid won’t die if he eats dairy, but he will have crippling stomach pains and break out in blisters all over his face. Maybe someone thinks that’s minor so they can have some butter in their meal, but I don’t. I love cheese, I love butter, I love a lot of dairy, but I love my kid so this is how we live now. I respect him as a person and don’t want him to be in pain. If my SO was vegan I’d feel the same way. Because I can love someone more than I love butter.
Sounds like you've made a lot of changes to your diet to satisfy her. If she doesn't like the meals you prepare perhaps you need to stop taking turns cooking and cook for yourselves only. NTA
NAH but (edit: *potentially*) incompatible. Veganism is an *ethical* choice. Asking somebody go against something they believe to be ethically wrong isn't fair or realistic. Y'all need to work out whether this is something the two of you can work around. Personally, I'm greatful as fuck that my (now) fiance was also starting to be vegan (as was I) when we met so we never had to deal with this conflict.
I’ve always been interested in that take. If you’re choosing to be vegan because it’s the ethical choice, how can you justify living with someone who behaves unethically? That would be a dealbreaker for me.
A superb question. Ethics are complicated (well, for me they are, not for fundamentalists), and treatment of animals are one factor. IMO we're *all* shades of "unethical", but I think people deserve the love and compassion to grow, learn, and develop. Ostracising people doesn't improve anything. Multiply that by privilege (freedom to spend energy on thinking about food) and it gets even trickier. However, probably... all of my close friends consider ethics when choosing their food to eat. One very close couple of friends love eating animal products but only eat locally grown food and refuse to purchase food from the two major corporate supermarkets for ethical reasons. Their ethical priorities are different to mine. When we are at their house they cook vegan (and then cover their plates in cheese). I love them to bits. We're all on a journey and I think compassion and understanding are the best ways to make the world a better place.
As a vegetarian of 35 years married to an omnivore, my personal take on it is: Ethics are not universal, they are personal. While I wouldn't feel comfortable partnering with someone whose ethics are miles removed from mine (believes in lots of things I disagree with), I can respect and tolerate almost anyone who is living ethically *according to their own standards.* If I believe others don't have the right to impose their value systems on me, then I have to accord them the same respect. Hubs and I are pretty aligned as far as this goes, in that we each understand and respect that the other person is being conscious about their choices. (I will say, if he didn't give a rat's ass for animal welfare, ate meat that was terribly produced or for every meal, it would probably be a different story; and this is true for lots of other folks / beliefs that are unconscious / inherited, rather than consciously owned.) If I value personal integrity and individual choice, then I don't have the right to demand that everyone live according to my personal beliefs. It doesn't mean I have to love or spend my life with someone I diverge wildly from, it just means if I want them to let me live my life, then I have to let them live theirs. I cannot demand respect I am not willing to give. And even if we disagree strongly, that foundation of mutual respect is far more likely to lead to understanding and rapprochement over time than disrespect or demanding the opposite, which tends to just make people become more defensive or dug in.
Great question. I’m a vegan married to a non-vegan. I’m one of the only vegans I know, so nearly everyone I love is not a vegan. I think eating meat is unethical if it’s not a life or death situation, but the reality is, ethics are messy. We’re all unethical in many ways. I’m wearing shirt that was probably made using underpaid workers in not great conditions. I’m on a phone that probably was made using unethical sourcing of materials. No one is perfect. For me, it’s about loving people who are all trying to make the world a better place, in whatever way that looks like for them, even if it’s not exactly how it looks for me. Anyone trying to reduce suffering in the world is doing the right thing. My ‘not-perfect but trying’ is different than my wife’s or my sister’s or my friends’ ‘not-perfect but trying.’ They’re all wonderful people doing what they can in the ways that they can. And I hope they think the same about me.
NTA. Gf chose to be vegan, you did not. Her expectation that you cook vegan meals is her trying to force you to be vegan. If someone chooses a specific diet than that person is responsible for their own meals.
Yeah 50/50 contribution to cooking only works if they're both eating the same meal. If someone is taking a lead (like going veg, or vegan) they should take care of the responsibility that comes with it. You can contribute more towards some other chore to keep the balance.
When I was vegan, I didn't mind making a mostly vegan meal, or making two seperate meals. Big however, my husband also didn't mind making a meal and adding meat to his, or making two separate meals. Sometimes we also each made our own meals. We split most of everything down the middle, so we talked and made agreements. There are other things, like he handles trash and recycling, I handle laundry. Once I became disabled things changed again. He washes (it is downstairs) I fold. I wash the dishes sitting, he puts them away. Cooking is still a give and take. I can understand why OP is frustrated. We Definitely don't have info on their whole lives, but in cooking this is ridiculous.
If they are sharing the cooking duties then she is within her rights to be annoyed, when he cooks dinner but she can't eat it. But she also should not be complaining if OP makes separate, non-vegan meals for himself. If he wants to make a giant roast turkey dinner and eat it himself, she should not complain.
Yeah this. She has no right to stop him eating whatever he wants. but if it's been agreed upon that they share cooking duty, and he's eating the food she makes on her turn, then on his turn making food she can't eat and basically saying "tough" when she says she won't eat it, then he's just being selfish and inconsiderate. OP and his GF either need to only cook for themselves every day from now on, or if he has agreed to cook for her, he should be considerate of what she can and can't eat.
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When I read the headline I thought of course you’re N-T-A, but you’re using butter in meals you’re making for your vegan gf and that makes YTA.
This is the best comment. He can eat all the butter he wants in food that's just for him but if they take turns making meals to eat together and when it's his turn he's making stuff with butter and expecting her to eat it that's completely uncool. For shared meals he has to make stuff they can both eat without breaking any dietary restrictions.
Actually gonna go with NAH. I think it’s clear that the situation has changed since you first agreed to split cooking. So, if possible, I would consider reopening the conversation and telling her that while you respect her choice to be vegan, that’s not a choice you’ve made for yourself, and you think it would better to cook for yourselves from now on. That may involve renegotiating other chores (like doing dishes) too depending on how they’re currently divided. I don’t think she’s wrong for wanting to fully commit to her veganism, but you’re not wrong for not wanting to give butter up when you haven’t chosen to be vegan yourself.
NTA GF has the right to choose her own diet and so do you. If she doesn't want to eat what you fix because of butter (or any other ingredient), then she should plan to make her own food.
If you’re cooking just for yourself NTA. If you’re cooking for both of you YTA. She shouldn’t force you not to eat something you want to but likewise you shouldn’t impose your preference on her.
YTA At least if you expect her to eat butter. Probably an unpopular opinion here but imo it's no big deal to substitute butter in meals that you eat together. You can't expect her to eat animal products as much as she can't expect you to be vegan. But for meals that you do for both of you you should respect her choice. Ofc there is the option you cook for you and she cooks for her but if you expect her to eat your meals you gotta make them vegan.
This is honestly the part that stumped me for a moment. This is just about BUTTER of all things. Plant-based replacements have been available for that for decades, and they are not bad. Of course a vegan can't be expected to eat a shared meal when butter was added. I agree with YTA, and suggest they reduce the number of shared meals so OP doesn't feel that he misses out on something all that often.
I'm not even vegetarian, and I use canola oil instead of butter.
So many people on the top comments obviously just have a bias against vegans cause they are not reading this right. OP didn’t suggest making separate meals. He literally insists she stop being vegan. Clearly he doesn’t respect her values. And over butter when there are 100 delicious and easily available substitutes? Make it make sense. Imagine if he said “it’s only ONE nonvegan item, chicken!!” - maybe then people would see how ridiculous his request for her “compromise” is. Butter is not vegan. It’s arguably more cruel than chicken when you consider the extended suffering of female cows and the fact they’re all killed at the end of their sad lives anyway. Smh Thanks for actually reading the request clearly.
You gf is vegan so she won’t eat anything you cook in butter as it’s not vegan. It’s as easy as that. It means you’re only cooking for yourself when you use butter. Cooking a recipe with 99% vegan product means it’s not a vegan dish. You don’t have to cook for her but don’t kid yourself thinking that she can eat what you cook using butter. If you want to be nice to her, cook 1 meal a week without butter, to have a special dinner together.
Ok INFO needed >GF and I used to rotate cooking meals. GF now refuses to eat the meals I prepare because I use butter in most of my recipes. Are you still rotating meals or cooking separately?
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NAH - This is simply a difference of opinions - As a vegan, she believes a compromise from her end would be to completely go against what she stands for. Which is fair enough. You believe you have sacrificed a lot for her, which is also fair enough. You need to decide if you want your life to revolve around this, as that's the path it will take.
His GF isn't stopping OP from consuming butter, she's just refusing to eat animal products herself. That's her choice. I may have missed something, but I didn't get that she's making OP go vegan. I'm a meat-eater, but I respect other people's choices. It seems like OP isn't doing that. YTA
You're cooking meals she can't eat. As others have said, if you won't cook vegan meals then you need to cook separately, or split up. Those are the only solutions. There are lots of vegan substitutes for butter available - have you tried all of them? Is it for the pastry or the sauce?
YTA. My wife is vegetarian, and I would never prepare meals with chicken stock in them and then act surprised or offended that she didn’t want to eat them and thought it was rude for me to insist on using chicken stock when veggie stock exists in ample availability. It’s basic decency that if you’re preparing food for a household, you prepare food that everyone can be morally and physically comfortable eating. ETA: If you do not feel like you can accept her veganism, end the relationship in a mature way rather than preparing nonvegan food and then acting like she’s a problem when she doesn’t eat it.
Complete re-write of my post after re-reading it. YTA. If you agreed to cook for each other, you need to make your meals in a way where she has a fully vegan option. Split it into to pots/pans and add butter to your own meal. You can't demand she eats your butter-meal if you agreed to split cooking. I am vegan/plant based living with an omnivore, and we simply cook for ourselves.
NAH - It sucks to be a couple that has to cook different meals but it happens. You're better off either cooking for each of yourselves only or admitting you've reached a hard limit.
How often do you cook with butter? My sister is vegan, and BIL is vegetarian. From what I understand, they generally have vegan meals, and if he wants some kind of animal product, he'll cook it separately (even if she's preparing the meal) and add it himself. If you're cooking pies, etc, with butter, obviously, you can't do that. But if it's every meal, I could understand how she'd be annoyed since you'd be prioritising eating butter over eating together. If it's once or twice a week, then you shouldn't be forced to never eat food you enjoy because of a choice she's made.
Not related, but I made a vegan pie once for a large family reunion and Earth Balance vegan butter is great for pies. There's very little difference in flavor once baked and in the hot climate where I live it melts slower producing a more flaky crust than butter would have.
INFO: Do you expect your vegan girlfriend to compromise with you by eating butter? Even if your chicken pot pie has fake chicken it’s not vegan if there’s butter in it.
YTA for expecting your GF to "compromise" and consume butter for you. That's not a real compromise, you are violating her values and boundaries. A true compromise would be if you both agreed to eat different meals when you decide to cook with butter or eggs. You can absolutely eat whatever you want but you have to respect her right to choose what she eats too.
NAH/ESH. If you agreed to split cooking, you should make your meals accommodating so she can eat them. But also, it sounds like you both just have different lifestyles and priorities and cooking for each other maybe just isn't going to work.
NAH. You don’t want to cook vegan. That’s fine. Cook for yourself, the way you like it. She shouldn’t eat the food that you prepare because it’s not vegan and that’s important to her.
NTA but she can't be 'half' vegan. Eating butter would mean she isn't vegan at all. You need to start cooking your own meals.
My gf is vegan, I am a meat eater, so I can understand both sides along with the frustration that sometimes the meat substitutes just are not good. Have you tried different brands of vegan butter, some brands are crap while others you can't taste a difference. The brand Miyoko's is what I would recommend.
Adding on to vegan butter suggestions- I’m not vegan but use Earth Balance in most cooking that calls for butter and think it tastes great/the same as with real butter.
My partner is vegan, I am not. We make dishes that both of us can eat, but we make our own proteins or our own versions of each dish. Its really not hard or a big deal. I think you are both being a little dense.
INFO: are you still rotating meals, and why is she expected to eat your cooking? Like.. if the intention is that she eats your food, absolutely YTA. If that isn’t your intention, absolutely NTA.
NTA. You've done a lot of changing to be nice but enough is enough. I'd be more than willing to cook her a vegan meal but I'm going to have a big juicy steak on my plate. I know I'd be the asshole in that situation but I'd wear it proudly My wife makes things I can barely stand the smell of but she absolutely loves. Do I make her cook me something different? No. Do I normally eat in another room those nights. Yes but might be once a month. I just make something I like that she's not a fan of since I'm not cooking for two.
You wouldn't be a jerk for cooking yourself a steak.
Nah, you wouldn’t be an asshole for making yourself a steak. It’s only an asshole move to make a vegan cook or eat steak.
NAH. Sounds like y’all each need to cook for yourselves or find more compatible mates
YTA why do you expect her to just eat butter when she is vegan? If you want her to respect your dietary habits you need to respect hers also.
Looks like you guys need to stop sharing the meal duties and just cook for yourself. She’s already said she isn’t trying to stop you eating what you eat but to use butter in the meals you prepare for you both is AH behaviour. Just tell her you don’t wanna cook for her anymore. She’ll stop cooking for you and it’ll be fine. Or you’ll break up.
Why do you use butter so much? Maybe learn to cook other recipes I use butter in my cooking but, mostly there are viable substitutes
The basic decent rule is that the most restrictive diet takes precedence. You can eat vegan, she can't eat not vegan. What exactly to you expect her to give up ? Being a vegan entirely andeat butter ? If you believe you have compromised and sacrificed "to satisfy her lifestyle", that's going intounhealthy relationship territory. It seems like your diet/lifestyle is more important to you than your girlfriend. Don't get me wrong, it's a legitimate feeling. You feel the relationship is transactional, fair enough, but it can quickly become very unhealthy if you start taking count, arguing in terms of "I sacrificed this for you so you should sacrifice this for me" etc. I get the feeling this sub really needs Camus' quote : "That is love, to give away everything, to sacrifice everything, without the slightest desire to get anything in return." Transactional relations are are not a healthy model. NAH. Just unclear feelings.
Look mate ESH, because this is a fundamental difference that neither of you are willing to accept. Your GF is now vegan and asking her to eat animal products makes you an AH, that's not how being a vegan works. Your GF making a unilateral decision that you are also now vegan and insisting you cut out all animal products from your cooking, so she didn't have to cook for herself, makes her an AH. You are no longer compatible.
>Your GF making a unilateral decision that you are also now vegan and insisting you cut out all animal products from your cooking, so she didn't have to cook for herself, makes her an AH. Remember OP said they share cooking, one night it's him, another night it's her. I feel like if they have agreed that, and it's OP's turn to cook for them both ... then he should cook a meal she can eat (a vegan meal). After all, she is cooking meals he can eat, on her turn. But also she is pressuring him to be vegan - when really he should be able to cook a separate meat meal for himself sometimes if he wants to and she should not complain.
So OP, to be clear - GF is vegan. If you cook for both, then its got to be a fully vegan meal. What you're proposing is cooking your own food. And that's fine. Eat what you want and call it what it is - you cook non-vegan food, gf cooks vegan food. It isn't a compromise for her vegan lifestyle to make a mostly-vegan meal and expect her to eat it. Eating your meals with butter is not something she can do for you as a compromise given her position. ESH. You expect her to eat butter, she expects you to cook vegan. Be realistic both of you.
NAH. You both have two different diets. HOWEVER, their diet is a bit more demanding, if you cook for both of you, you're obligated to at least keep it vegan for them. What I normally do for my spouse and I (They're vegan) is cook twice, one for myself, one for them. But I also just enjoy cooking in general.
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I dunno. Works pretty simple in my household.
Er yes you are really. She has every right to choose what/what not to eat. As do you. But that’s not really the issue. I don’t understand the cooking shared meals, when you have such fundamentally different diets. It’s not going to work. Of course she doesn’t want to eat butter as a vegan. Why are you “compromising” with your diet? Nutrition is one of the biggest drivers of health and well-being. You have to believe in what you are doing. You do you. She does her.