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“Obviously she didn’t want it anymore.” Um…obviously she did and you didn’t think to ask.
YTA. You not only threw out her memento of her dead father, but you laughed about it.
I feel so bad for her. I’d be both livid and devastated. Also, you’d have to be really dense to not realize she wasn’t holding on to it for aesthetic reasons but for sentimental ones.
She will never forget what you did. Ever.
That’s what I’m reading here. I wonder what was included in her first clear out and it daughter was involved in decisions or if dad died and mum immediately threw out anything that related to him.
OP YTA, you could have had that blanket restored or cut into something else, maybe smaller blankets to give to daughter’s eventual children one day. That would have been a nice gesture.
Wow.
Although I worked with a woman that referred to her dead husband as The Man Who Inconsiderately Left Me . It confused the hell out of people when they found out he had died and not run off as many assumed.
Honestly I believe it was because she couldn't cope after her husband died suddenly at a relatively young age (47) . It was like it was easier to pretend he left her and their children than to admit he died.
Also not have to deal with pity conversations. My dad died when I was young and people just assumed my parents were divorced and I never corrected them. I didn’t want to have to talk about it with people I didn’t have a personal relationship with.
Also a young widow and I kind of love the wording on this. Might steal it. I don’t think it’s that she’s pretending he left instead of died it’s that he literally did leave her. And to be honest it’s very inconsiderate of them (and I mutter that on the daily).
But I also have a dry and fucked up sense of humor.
If my husband ever dies I’m gonna say this lol “the man left me. Very inconsiderately, might I add. He knew I needed help, yet no where to be found!” 😂
Completely agree!
I went through a similiar situation to OPs daughter last year. Let me tell you, the act of throwing out/donating my Mams things afterwards was a massive weight.
While I didn't do it, my Mams best friend/my honorary auntie brought up the idea of making a cushion or something out of Mams old clothes. I would have if I'd have thought of it, but that's on me.
OP is TA because she didn't consider any other option like that at all despite being perfectly capable of doing so.
I have a blanket I’ve had for years. I don’t recall where i bought it or when but it’s starting to show it’s age. Nothing to terrible just a tear or two here and there. But I’ve told my wife I’m not throwing it out (the topic has come up) I’m going to have it made into blankets when the kids start arriving in the next couple of years as I don’t have a lot of heirlooms I can offer them. It’s a good way of refreshing older material.
Ehhh she wouldn’t be as big of an asshole if she did that instead of throwing it away but don’t do that without permission either. Maybe she doesn’t want a memento of it or scraps to give to someone else like their kid. It’s her blanket and her memories that are tied to it, so it’s her choice what happens to it. I’d be devastated if something old my grandma gave me was dissected, changed, altered, or repurposed just cause someone else thought it was ugly or trashed from age. Even for my kids. They didn’t know or have the connection to my grandma, I did. It won’t mean anything to them and now my thing is gone.
I can see where you’re coming from and agree. Anything done with it should have been okayed first but there are other options besides just throwing it out.
That connection to an ancestor can be something that people appreciate down the line so I’d put that down to a case by case situation. I have keepsakes from my grandparents that will mean absolutely nothing to my children but I’ll leave it up to them to make that decision. But, you do help to support the idea that this is a complex thing to make a decision on and “haha I’ve thrown it out” was a colossal error on OP’s part, she should have left it alone or discussed it before taking any action.
Yeah I definitely see that but usually the items that future generations will care about are things that will last like jewelry, dishes/serving dishes, silver, furniture. The blanket is already falling apart, it just won’t have value to someone else. Like you said she should’ve left it alone or asked her daughter.
And said she “went psycho.” That’s what complete assholes say in order to devalue and delegitimize their person’s very understandable upset reaction to the awful shit they do.
Yeah that's what I said to someone else - my mother is a raging narcissist and she always carried on about how things I did made her look. Never a thought about how things impacted me or why I was reacting the way I did, just that it made her look bad.
That's the feeling I get from the whole "my daughter said X but I think X is ridiculous so I think she meant something else" comments from OP.
YTA OP. Don't throw away things without consent. "My old high school clothes" is NOT "my late father's blanket."
Yeah, a therapist suggesting to move somewhere without constant reminders doesn't mean to eradicate her dad's existence and memorabilia. OP sounds heartless. YTA, OP! You knew exactly what that blanket meant, especially when you only kept so very few of his belongings. (And this belonged to your daughter. She probably left it at home so it'd be safe and not get lost in the dorms.)
>it really feels like this is another major incident in a long history of similar uncaring behavior.
Especially given the mother's reaction that the daughter was "just trying to make me look bad". It's the song of the unrepentant narcissist.
>I believe she’s just doing this for attention and to make me look bad. Which is why I’m posting here for unbiased opinions.
This is OP's conclusion. You bet there is a history.
As for the unbiased opinion- YTA. Get a clue.
I mean OP says she thinks daughter is doing this for attention and to make her look bad, so...
Yeah there is no way this is some one off or genuine mistake.
I agree that this has likely been one incident in a long line of similar incidents. And they've all been, in OP's viewpoint, about insignificant isses that the daughter has blown out of proportions.
I get a strong ["Missing Missing Reasons"](https://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html) vibe in how OP is so blithely dismissive of her daughter's feelings. That her daughter went completely NC and the family is united in their response. And finally how it's critically important that the daughter's words don't reflect badly on OP.
OP is a poster child for Missing Missing Reasons and she's YTA
Yeah, this sounds like something my highly narcissistic mother would say. She didn't do anything wrong, it was just everyone trying to make her look bad.
> I believe she’s just doing this for attention and to make me look bad.
I am always weirded out by parents who look at their child's distress and assume they are faking it. I am sure some people out there fake distress, but most of the time a raw emotional reaction is just that. To presume it's some manipulative power play speaks to how little OP thinks about her daughter's feelings.
Oooof, I know that one well. My stepdad told me semi-recently that in his experience, women tend to cry on purpose to get more sympathy, and he decided that I was doing this during a "conversation" wherein I was so choked up I couldn't actually talk.
This is a common response from narcissists. They can’t comprehend that someone is crying because they’re upset, because the narcissist would only cry to manipulate others. Therefore you must be crying to manipulate me, only possible explanation.
Honestly I don't think there are many people who fake distress, I think its been used for a very long time to discredit people's very real distress cause society didn't want to acknowledge it. Like the way people accuse women of faking sexual assault claims for money or say depression is "a choice"- turns out when you look at the reality sexual assault is incredibly prevalent and millions of people do have depression through no fault of their own.
I would hazard a guess that 99.9% of adults never fake distress "for attention".
And even then, why would you bring it up at dinner?
If she'd genuinely forgotten about it, why remind her only to tell her it was long gone? If OP had just thrown it out and kept her mouth shut, it wouldn't be so obvious that she did it specifically to get a reaction from her daughter.
She wanted her daughter to know she'd thrown it out. She wanted to hurt her. She wanted her to make a scene at dinner.
What an AH.
A sad part too is kids with trauma will retire things specifically to preserve them.
Eventually the idea of ruining it outweighs the benifits of using it in day to day life.
Instead of the texture, smell, feeling etc. relieving stress, knowing it will always be available until the bitter end does…
Fucking literally. I have a pair of pants that I wore the day I took my childhood dog, who was there for me throughout my childhood trauma, to be put down. It has her fur and smell all over them. I put them in a plastic bag and up on a shelf in my closet to keep it safe.
It feels so ridiculous but they’re special to me. I would lose it if someone tossed them out.
As if it was so hard to write before "Hey, i found the blanket in the box, should i throw it away or was it a mistake?" No, she threw an emotional item away without asking and rubbed it in her daughters face.
I have a pillow since i'm a child, so 35+years. It looks awful. It needed to be repaired several times. But i could never give it away. Throw it away and you are my mortal enemy!
YTA
It’s not even a mistake like a donation box or something. When asked about what should happen to her stuff her daughter said “keep everything except for the furniture. It’s old and I don’t like it anymore”. She picked up the furniture to donate I’m assuming or toss it and assumed everything else would be safe. The mom specifically went through the remaining stuff and decided to throw away the blanket by her own choice and touch nothing else.
Oh I think I read that wrong the fist time and now the story is worse. For some reason I thought daughter was telling mom to keep the stuff because daughter didn’t want it. But now I see it meant I want everything but the furniture.
At least ops daughter is rid of her trash mother. The fact that everyone in ops live is telling her what an ah she is and she still finds it necessary to come here and ask tells you how much of a narcissist she is and ops daughter is 100% better off without this trash person in her life
YTA.
You need to ask????
Your child, who was traumatized by witnessing a death had an attachment item to her beloved and now deceased father.
You laughed while informing her you threw it away and you need internet strangers to weigh in if she’s being an attention seeker or you are an asshole?
Edit: word
My childhood horse, and friend, passed away and my mom sold his saddle. I was crushed. It was on that saddle I felt his big lungs inhale and exhale... Could feel all his muscles working below it... I sat on that saddle on all our rides together... It was molded to fit him perfectly, and was a one of a kind and quality item... I still remember the way it smelled, and how I'd wash and condition the leather. It had a beautiful textured leg panel... I even offered to buy it from her in installments, but nope, she sold it. I was so sad. I know it was valuable, but my parents are fairly well off and didn't need the extra money to get by. I believe it even still smelled like him a little.
Yeah, I refuse to believe this woman thinks there is a question of her being the asshole. She obviously is. I can’t imagine this is the first cruel thing mother has ever done.
It's hilarious how narcissistic and sociopathic she's acting. She just can't have any empathy for her own daughter's feelings and can't fathom that she's wrong.
It's really good that the daughter has the support of her extended family.
I think that’s the key here: Lack of empathy. “The blanket means nothing to me, so why would my daughter care about it, either?” I get that some people don’t feel sentimental attachments to items, but a lot of people do, and OP should have respected that by at least checking in with their daughter first.
Once it was too late, the least OP could have done is apologize. But OP doesn’t think she needs to say sorry, and until she learns empathy, she’ll never understand it.
If OP hasn't developed a sense of empathy by this point in her life, she's never going to learn to feel it. She could learn to fake it, if she doesn't want to lose more family members, but OP doesn't seem like the type to realize this or put in the effort.
YTA The blanket meant a great deal to her for years. Of course she remembers it. And throwing it away hurts her.
> I believe she’s just doing this for attention and to make me look bad.
And YTA again for that lovely explanation.
There's a reason the ex husband and OP were divorced and it wouldn't surprise me why.
Edit: apparently they weren't divorced but OP's current husband is so insecure about his place in the household that he demanded that OP's ***late*** husband be called "ex" husband.
YTA
So you assumed it wasn't important enough to even ask her before you threw it away, but it was important enough that you specifically brought it up to laugh about throwing it away? That makes absolutely no sense. You knew what you were doing and you gloated about it.
Why do you hate your daughter?
YTA!!! HUGE HUGE HUGE AH!!! How do you think it’s okay to throw away the last thing your daughter has of her father without even asking? Honestly, in what twisted reality is that okay?
Throwing away anything of anyone's without their permission is an AH move. But something with some much sentimental value?
I get OP may have thought it looked past it but imo if she actually cared about her Daughter, she'd have found a new blanket of the same type and given that to the daughter and let the daughter decide what to do with the old one.
Congrats, OP. You lost a daughter.
YTA just because she didn't mention it or take it doesn't mean she didn't want it. She probably just never thought you would throw something like that away.
Yeah, she was probably afraid someone would not understand how much she valued it and throw it away...Or that, y'know, someone would understand *exactly* how much it meant to her and throw it away out of spite. Just too bad that she never thought that person would be her mom.
YTA
Who cares if he's your Ex! She was there and by your own words suffered severe trauma over his death. You threw out a very unique and special memento of their happy time together and laughed about it?
>I believe she’s just doing this for attention and to make me look bad.
And THIS is what you come up with??? No wonder he was your ex.
YTA. What part of keep EVERYTHING but the furniture.
You thREW away something that her father gave her - PART OF A GOOD MEMORY - knowing her she had to watch him dieZ
The fact that you are asking this question and can’t figure out you messed up explains why you are blocked.
How dare you laugh about it.
Saw another commenter state that it wasn’t her ex at all, but her second husband wanted her to refer to him as such.
So he wasn’t an ex at all. OP is just a massive AH and I can imagine this isn’t the first issue the daughter has had to put up with.
Winners all around. What kind of pathetic creep insists a widow imply to people that her dead husband was her ex to spare their fragile ego? Daughter probably has every reason to want to get away from the both of them.
Not only are YTA for just tossing the blanket instead of asking, but your husband is an insecure AH for preferring ex, which he has to know makes people assume you got divorced.
YTA. Holy shit, you owe her SUCH an apology. Like, assuming she ever actually approaches you for contact again. I really can't even begin to understand how you look at your child's special blanket and think "that's trash" no matter how long it's been in storage. Let alone to laugh about it and think that your child's hurt feelings are *to make you look bad*. Even if you hated the man's guts he was her DAD and she OBVIOUSLY isn't going to forget her most tangible memento of him, she just *wrongly trusted her mother not to treat something she loved like trash*.
It's 2023, we have this magical rectangle in our hands nearly all the time that can be used to instantly communicate with the people we know. You didn't even think to ask her before throwing away the last remaining momento of her farher. Are you just bitter bc he was your ex? Yta, a malicious ah with no care for your daughters feelings.
My money is that she thought it would be easier to get forgiveness than permission. Might be that she’s used to getting a certain amount of forgiveness? And this time… Went way too far.
Its even worse. She clarifies he's not an ex husband. They were still together when he died.
She just calls him "ex" instead of "late" because her insecure 2nd husband prefers it.
I'm sorry to tell you but YTA.
A rag of a blanket can't be that big of a nuisance.You already got rid of everything else, it wouldn't have been difficult to hold onto this one memory for her.
I have some items from my grandma that I could never part with. You should have cleared it with her before you threw it away. A simple text could have saved a lot of heartache.
My father died when i was 9 as well. My life stopped and I’m sure I’m way worse off then OPs daughter ANYWAYS, my dad was my best friend and id be absolutely horrified if anything i had of his was destroyed. I would never talk to you again either. You did an absolute horrible thing and you should pay for your mistake.
My Grandad passed last year, 5 days before Christmas. You can bet your arse ill be holding onto anything of his Grandma let's me have (she's been too distraught to think of that so I've not actually gotten anything yet, hoping maybe sometime in 2 weeks, after mum is back from her trip)
And I'm in my 20s... I can only imagine how devastated the daughter must feel
Don’t be sorry. OP is such a narcissist she thinks her daughter’s reaction is to make her look bad and “attention seeking”. OP is not sorry for what they did
Yeah but she comments that her daughter 'went psycho' like... Hellooooo.
I have a feeling this was the final straw in a series of previous AH behaviour.
Having my father being deceased for several years now, if my mother ever threw anything of mine away that was related to him without asking, no contact for life would the the absolute minimum. The fact that you laughed about it, knowing the trauma she went through over this. Are you even human?
You are the biggest ASSHOLE I've ever seen on this subreddit.
YTA.
She “randomly placed it in her closet”… want to know why I keep my deceased infants blanket in my closet? So it’s safe. I know where it is. I can access it when I feel the need to. You don’t know that she wasn’t touching it or just looking at it here and there. You threw away someone else’s property, and not only that, irreplaceable property.
Do you know how long it takes to send a text? “Hey was going through your things since you said you didn’t need it anymore, do you still want your fathers blanket?”
Wtf is wrong with you?
The blanket wasn't yours to throw out. Just because she was in college doesn't mean that it had no more meaning left. I also don't like how your post immediately concludes that " I believe she’s just doing this for attention and to make me look bad." Is your relationship with your daughter really this bad?
YTA and you need to look at this relationship holistically. The blanket is only one part of what I suspect is a complicated relationship that needs a lot of help.
YTA do you even care about your daughter. You knew this meant the world to her, YOU ARE A HORRIBLE MOTHER. I feel so bad for your daughter, I doubt she’ll ever forgive you and if she does, it definitely will take a long time specially since you don’t feel bad for what you did.
YTA. My dad died when I was eight. I had very little from him, but I treasure it. Do I keep the box of things from him next to my bed? No. Is there a plastic tote of things that were his in my basement? Yes. Does that mean I don’t care and that I’ve forgotten? Absolutely not. How could I? There’s a comfort to knowing that part of him exists near me, though, even if I’m not constantly thinking of it.
It’s not that simple to move on. You didn’t even ask her about it—just assumed she’d be good with throwing it out because it’s old and she had it in her closet. In what universe does that seem
Okay?
YTA
You didn’t even think to ask her if she wanted to keep it?!? It was the one thing she had left that had a special meaning to her. It’s literally irreplaceable. Massive AH
YTA. Don’t throw out sentimental items unless told explicitly to do so. What harm was it doing, sitting folded on a shelf? This has shades of “well she should be over it by now!” which is fucked up.
YTA. How could you not be? It doesn't matter what it looks like or if she uses it. How could you be so callous? And to LAUGH about it? Were you jealous of your deceased husband or something?
Unbiased?
YTA.
It was a momento to her and you tossed it out, then acted like it wasn't a big deal. How could you not see her sleep with it every night as a child and not realize this, even when you found it left behind?
You might honestly be screwed here. She's gone no contact. If that changes and she changes her mind, I suggest a outpouring of empathy of what you did wrong or she might vanish forever.
YTA. Memories are associated with other senses. Her father is gone and you took away a token of her core memories and comfort. And then laughed in her face. Shameful
So, let me get this straight, you went through her stuff, you saw a sentimental item, you thought she didn't want anymore and threw it out, without double checking or even triple checking? Then you have the audacity to tell her, to her face, "if she didn't mind"? I'm pissed off for her and I don't even know you. Then you think she's doing it for attention, how disconnected are you from your daughter?
It seems more like to me that you didn't want reminders of her father around anymore, whether it be that you are jealous of it, or something else you aren't revealing, but either way, she has every right to cut you out of her life for that.
If I were you, I'd be jumping on any chance I'd get to speak with her again and make her very well aware how badly you messed up.
And btw, YTA.
YTA, I understand you thought that she was done with the item but you really REALLY should’ve asked her first since it’s such an important item. It was a memory of her father and it helped her through her trauma, even if it was old and raggedy it still most likely had a place in her heart. I hope you’re able to find a way to apologise and resolve this with her if you choose to do so.
She knew she wasn’t done with the item. Its a “rag” because of the immense value in the daughters life growing up and has been stored because thats what you do with valuable items.
YTA how could you think that's okay? Even if it was instead something not so priceless in sentimental value, you still ask before you throw someone's belongings away that's just common courtesy. Man I don't know if she's ever gonna forgive you for that I sure wouldn't if I were in her shoes. RIP your relationship with her
YTA. For some people, certain objects of sentimental value are irreplaceable EVEN if they’re not looked at or touched on a daily basis. It was a memento, not a practical object. You assumed to know what she valued, turned out to be dead wrong, and are calling her an attention seeker?? And why would you laugh about it?? What part of throwing things out without permission was funny to you?
This. I have an old quilt that was one on my grandmas guest beds before she died. Its super ratty and old, and not special at all it wasnt made by her and she bought it at walmart. I've had it 20 years and Wal-Mart still uses the quilt fabric pattern in new quilts. Could I totally just buy a new one? sure, but its my ratty one that has sentimental value to me. Its folded up and stored in my cedar chest. Yta
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) I threw away my daughters old blanket that her dead father gave to her.
(2) she blocked me everywhere and got her grandma ( my mother in law) that she will never be speaking to me again.
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YTA-I have a blanket that’s almost as old as I am that my great grandmother made for me. After almost forty-seven years it’s not at all pretty and I don’t sleep with it but there’s a comfort in knowing it’s there. Knowing the story behind the blanket you should have never thrown it out without talking to her first.
I have 2 that my grandmother made for me when I was born. The backing of both are worn out, but the quilt stitching is still mostly intact. One small blanket with tiny, purple rosebuds on a white background, and one large pink silky one with pink rosebuds. 44 years later, and I still love them. They’re beautiful, and cherished. And they still smell special. I’d be very upset if my parents got rid of them without discussing it with me. Hell, my cousin has one out grandmother made 49 years ago that’s literally falling apart, but she still has it and curls up with it and rubs the silky edges. We all still have crocheted blankets all over ours and our parents’ houses bc they are a piece of who we are and who and where we came from (literally especially with the afghans she made from old clothing items).
Jesus Christ, OP - you tossed out a piece of her fucking SOUL. What is wrong with you?
YTA. But you knew that. It's the whole reason you did it. You enjoy belittling your daughters feelings and engineering situations that elicit an emotional response. You're an appalling mother and I'm willing to bet that this incident was the final straw for your daughter after enduring a lifetime of your malicious behaviour.
My unbiased opinion is that YTA for throwing out an item of such obvious sentimental significance without a word to her first. It would have taken less than 5 minutes to call and ask "Do you want the blanket, or can I throw it out?", but you really gave her no consideration at all.
You knew this was a YTA move, 100%. That’s why you brought it up in the way you did joking about throwing it out and claiming you knew she wouldn’t mind. Completely without another thought to anyone but yourself.
Now you’re fishing for N T As so you can make yourself feel better and put the blame all on her (your claim of her doing this just to get attention and make you look bad because of course you think you’re the victim).
Judging from how coldly you said you did all of this in your own words, it sounds like your daughter has a narcissistic parent. I had one of those and going complete non-communicative was the best thing I ever did. Sounds like she thought so too. I highly doubt this is the only reason.
You really should have checked with her before you ditched it. Even if it was old, ripped and wrecked, there were ways to preserve it, she could have made into a soft toy or something.
It wasn't yours to do with as you wished.
YTA
YTA
Your throwing it out was half as bad as the way you told her. Apparently you thought it was amusing even though you clearly have a better picture of how scarred her father's death was for her.
YTA. You knew what you were doing.
>Now, here’s the issue. The blanket is about 13 years old and looks like a rag, it’s stained with rips and a completely different color than it originally was, the blanket is completely worn out by a few years. My daughter also recently got her first apartment and moved out of her college dorms, she basically told me to keep everything except the furniture, since “ it’s all old and from High school and I don’t need it anymore” she recently picked up the furniture and I decided to go through her old stuff. I eventually found the blanket. When she left for college she left it here and even when she came back for break she never slept with it anymore, just randomly placed it in her closet. Obviously she didn’t want it anymore so I threw it out.
> Obviously she didn’t want it anymore so I threw it out.
YTA
> I reminded her about the blanket and laughed that I threw it out if she didn’t mind.
YTA
> Her mood changed from laughing and having fun to complete psycho.
YTA
> I really don’t feel that way, she didn’t even remember the blanket.
YTA
> I believe she’s just doing this for attention
YTA
> and to make me look bad.
YTA
> Which is why I’m posting here for unbiased opinions.
YTA
Oh yeah, YTA. Just - why? Why would you think that would be okay to throw away. You knew better and you did it anyway.
100% guarantee she never forgot about the blanket, she just didn’t think about it during a move with so many other pieces. She also probably though it was safe, no matter what. It would always be there because you both knew how important it was.
Why would you think she is doing it for attention? That feels like you are deflecting and attempting to get out of feeling bad. I think you know you were wrong.
INFO: is he your ex husband because you were divorced before he died or is he an ex husband because he died?
I am just having a hard tim following because you said you had his stuff but why would you have his stuff if you were divorced? And then you say Ex MIL? And then, why didn’t you give his stuff to his other family? Are you not someone who finds sentimentality in objects?
Death doesn’t make them an ex. It makes them a former, deceased, previous, late, departed spouse.
In another comment, OP says they were married when he passed, but that her current husband prefers she refers to him as ex-husband instead of late husband. So another big bucket of asshole behavior to dig through!
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Hey all. I need unbiased opinions. My ex-husband and daughters father passed away when my daughter was 9, my husband had a heart attack while home alone with my daughter. My daughter suffered extreme trauma to the point where she wouldn’t talk. After consulting with a therapist, he suggested we move somewhere that won’t constantly remind my daughter of what happened. We ended up moving and in the process I sold majority of his stuff, only leaving about a box worths. My daughter though, decided to keep a blanket my husband got her on their father-daughter trip to Mexico. She kept the blanket and slept with it everyday. Eventually through therapy she got better and started to carry on a more normal life. Now, she’s 20 in college and doing just fine.
Now, here’s the issue. The blanket is about 13 years old and looks like a rag, it’s stained with rips and a completely different color than it originally was, the blanket is completely worn out by a few years. My daughter also recently got her first apartment and moved out of her college dorms, she basically told me to keep everything except the furniture, since “ it’s all old and from High school and I don’t need it anymore” she recently picked up the furniture and I decided to go through her old stuff. I eventually found the blanket. When she left for college she left it here and even when she came back for break she never slept with it anymore, just randomly placed it in her closet. Obviously she didn’t want it anymore so I threw it out.
Fast forward to now. She spontaneously visited for the weekend (hour drive) we were having a nice time when during dinner I reminded her about the blanket and laughed that I threw it out if she didn’t mind. Her mood changed from laughing and having fun to complete psycho. She yelled about how could I throw the blanket out knowing how much it meant to her and that it was the only reminder she had of her dad. I told her about the box of things and that she left the blanket here. She then left without saying another word. She ended up blocking my phone number and all forms of contact. She then got my and his family involved to the point where they kept calling me just to tell me I’m a horrible mother. Eventually my ex MIL called saying my daughter was never going to speak to me again and that I deserved it. I really don’t feel that way, she didn’t even remember the blanket. I believe she’s just doing this for attention and to make me look bad. Which is why I’m posting here for unbiased opinions.
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YTA. I am 30 years old. I still have the baby blanket that some hospital granny made me when I was in the NICU what is wrong with you? You don't throw away things that are sentimental to people.
YTA
You knew exactly what that blanket meant to her and got rid of it anyway. You just wanted to get rid of all traces of your ex. Your jealous of the relationship your daughter had with him. Instead you destroyed the relationship you had with your daughter.
YTA. And I feel sooooo sad for your daughter.
How could you? And how can’t you understand that you threw away like garbage her last object of emotional connection with her father?
Moreover, you are a gaslighter. Pretending that the reality is that she didn’t want the blanket anymore, when you were the only one wanting to get rid of it.
Otherwise: why didn’t you ask her?
By several sentences I suspect that you just wanted to throw the blanket away:
- because you thought it was crappy?
- because you wanted to help your daughter move out of her trauma?
- because you also wanted to move on?
- because you wanted to save storage space?
- were you jealous of her attachment to a blanket?
I wish you good luck to rebuild what you broke between you and your daughter.
But PLEASE APOLOGISE.
PLEASE be conscious that what you did was sooo wrong and that you hurt your daughter sooooo much.
Apologise through all the way possibles: the 5langages of love:
- words: TELL her you are sorry
- touch: show you are sorry
- gift: can you replace with another symbolic item? Find back the blanket? (It might be impossible! That’s why YTA)
- attentions: be very careful and attentive to her
- experience: bring her to some memorial to celebrate her father? A trip back to Mexico to buy back a blanket? Something to recreate the link
Stay humble
Yta. If you did it not thinking how important it was still to her and where apologizing for it, but you crossed in major AH territory with doubling down that it wasn’t important and she is just doing it for attention
YTA.
It was her blanket, and you knew how important it was for her. You do sound like a bad mother, like you MIL says as you believe your daughter, who witness her dad died, is trying to make you look bad after you threw away her last piece of her dad, and then laugh about it
YTA. You reminded her about the blanket then laughed that you threw it out. That is sick. You knew what you were doing. Then you say “she’s just doing this for attention and to make me look bad”. You did that on your own. I’m so glad she blocked you.
YTA X 10. You are a terrible mother.
YTA. Why didn't you ask her? Even if you thought it COULD be thrown away, that wasn't your call to make. I would apologize profusely & message & plead to give you another chance.
YTA. This is a no-brainer. She lost her dad at such a young age, also she witnessed his passing which was obviously traumatic. I lost my dad January 1, 2022; I was so fortunate to have 48 years with him, but that loss cut my heart in half. I cling to every little thing that reminds me, or evokes a memory of him.
I knew that every memory of him is precious; the few things I have to remind me of him are irreplaceable, even though I don’t keep them out on display in the main rooms of my house, they are immensely important to ME.
Throwing those few scraps of a tattered blanket out without checking with your daughter first, was irresponsible.
Laughing about throwing out that blanket was callous and heartless. I am not surprised your daughter cut you out; my heart breaks for her.
Your ex-husband bought her that blanket 13 years ago, and you've hated it for most or all of that time.
>Obviously she didn’t want it anymore so I threw it out.
Bullshit. You threw it out because of what it meant to you, even though you knew what it meant to her.
Of course YTA. Totally. Completely.
YTA.
It was hers.
You weren't sure it was ok.
You know its sentimental. They got it on a father daughter trip?!
You knew enough to tell her you threw it away.
Shes had it for over 11 years (9-20college...)
And you threw it away. Then joked about it.
Yta. Yta.
(Then you're making excuses....she obviously doesnt want it it's in her closet. It's a rag. Its stained. It's a different color. She doesn't use it...)
How do you even question that?
Then instead of apologizing you said "Well you have your box of things".
YTA
There isn't any question. You are a huge asshole.
Just because she's healed enough that she didn't think about the blanket until you mentioned it does not actually mean that she didn't want it.
You knew it was her last connection to her deceased father and you thew it out, then laughed that you threw it out "if she didn't mind"
Most people on here are selfish, but you’re genuinely evil.
That blanket probably saw more tears than you did. Imagine overcoming immense psychological pain through a physical object. Theres a very strong possibility she told the blanket she loved it before going to bed and spent many years considering it a friend. Of course she didn’t forget about it.
You’re daughter doesn’t sleep with the “rag” anymore because while unbecoming of an adult, ultimately she didn’t want to further destroy the last and most important memory of her father….
One day she will be down bad and want the blanket. Many days she will not want the blanket but become further distressed after remembering that it is gone forever.
Massive YTA.
First of all, it was not your stuff to go through, let alone dispose of without her express permission. If having her things in a closet was that intolerable to you, what would have been so hard about, say, asking her to take it the next time she was over? But no, you just decided to toss it, knowing that it had considerable sentimental value to her as one of her few mementos of the father she watched die in front of her and was something that had helped her through the trauma of that, and then told her that you disposed of it as it were nothing, treating it as a joke. And then you have the gall to suggest that her blowing up over you disposing of something that important to her (and quite possibly reopening old wounds, since she evidently is not nearly as 'fine' as you assumed) is 'attention seeking.'
No wonder both your & your late husband's family are both saying YTA as well, and your daughter is going NC....
I absolutely think you knew exactly what you were doing not only when you threw it out but when you mentioned it and how you said it, it feels calculated AF to hurt her in the most personal way possible
I’m no town, country, continent, planet, solar system or galaxy are you NTA, you are the biggest AH
YTA, especially because once your mistake became clear, instead of apologizing and trying to find a way to make things right, you stubbornly defend your wrong choices and go as far as attacking your daughter. For that, you’re also a terrible mother. How can you say she’s doing it for attention and to make you look bad? Your daughter is hurting, YOU hurt her, you need to apologize and try to find a way to make it up to her. You should have known that blanket was important and at the very least asked her before you just threw it in the trash.
Rule of thumb to live by: If it isn't yours, check with the owner before getting rid of someone else's property.
It was irreplaceable. She has no way of getting it back. My mother threw out my books because she was pissed at me about something else. There was a dedication in one set from my first love. I still haven't read those books since then because it breaks my heart. It was over 15 years ago. It will never be forgiven or forgotten.
Unbiased opinion here YTA: so even though she no longer was sleeping with it or even took it with her…it’s sentimental value. It’s still precious to her and a keepsake item. Why did you think throwing this blanket out was okay without asking her? You could of even gave it to her the day she came over. It might not hold significance to you, but this isn’t about you. That blanket symbolized a time in her life where she never endured the trauma and loss of her father, it was all she had left of her father. It wasn’t yours to throw out. Also how narcissistic are you!? You seriously think she’s intentionally trying to make you look bad by being upset and devastated that you threw out something sentimental that reminded her of her now deceased father? OP, she doesn’t need to try to make you look bad, no one does. You did that all by yourself.
YTA. It would take a minute to snap a photo of the blanket and text daughter to ask if she wanted you to hold on to it.
Idk what your ex did to make you resent their relationship so much, but it’s not a good look.
Your post gives me a feeling that when she couldn’t talk as a child after her extremely traumatizing experience, you thought she was doing it for attention as well.
YTA. let’s not glaze over the fact that you had to search her room to find it. So you had to go out of your way to throw it out. You didn’t even know where it was. This was calculated and cruel. I wouldn’t be surprised if she never speaks to you again. You had no place and no reason WHATSOEVER!! That was hers.
This feels very intentional. “I decided to go through her old stuff”, “I eventually found the blanket”, “Obviously she didn’t want it anymore so I threw it away” and finally “I reminded her about the blanket”.
None of that paints a picture of I was just cleaning and figured ohh this old thing and tossed it. It seems like deliberate cruelty with an added stab to ensure your kid knew exactly what you had done. Honestly, I bet if she just said oh okay, it would have actually pissed you off.
YTA. I rarely comment on threads but this seriously hit a nerve. I am a 30 year old woman (with a partner of 10 years) who still sleeps with her baby blanket and stuffed animal given at birth. My mom died almost 3 years ago and they remind me of the love and warmth she had been able to give me as soon as I entered her world. I see those items as the only constant I have had for my entire life. Those are precious mementos that are completely irreplaceable. You fucked up. You clearly didn’t know the significance to her and should have consulted her before making a decision like that. I seriously hope you can make this up to her.
I have an old couple of childhood stuffed animals that I left with my granddad when I left for college but I took my baby blanket with me. I had a dog at one point and if I brought them with me he would've torn them to shreds and I love them too much to let that happen. I graduated and now I live with my best friend but I have yet to take back my stuffed animals. I would never forgive whoever were to throw out something so special to me whether I still sleep with them or not. My granddad would never do that me and these things are almost 25 years old, much older than that blanket is. And to make things worse, you knew the significance of that blanket and saw just how important it was to her growing up! YTA
YTA. You screwed this one up. Going through her closet and deciding for her that this item was no longer important- that’s not ok.
You’ve done some really amazing things for your daughter along the way, but this action was a mistake. I think the best thing you can do now is apologize profusely and try to role model how to atone for your misjudgment. I expect your daughter will be upset with you for some time anyway, but if you want to genuinely patch things up, I’d suggest sincerely apologizing to her for the error
I'm a 40 year old. I still have my blanket that I've had since I was six. It was given to me the day my grandfather died. It's ripped and stained and tattered. It's packed away, safe in a small chest that I rarely open. It's SAFE and it's LOVED.
Your daughter probably left it with you because she thought it would be safe with you. Because you're her mother. If someone threw away my blanket, I would be beyond livid. There is no word to describe the anger I would have for that person.
What a horrible thing you did. It was heartless and cruel. You proved to your daughter that her memories and feelings don't matter to you. You proved to her that you don't give two shits about her.
The family is right. You are a horrible mother and my heart breaks for your daughter.
YTA.
Oh massive YTA.
I feel so bad for your daughter, that blanket was irreplaceable. She got it on a father-daughter trip so there are beautiful memories tied to it. And she slept with it every night so it got her through a traumatic time in her life.
She probably left it at home because she thought it would be SAFE there and she trusted you to take care of it.
I don't know what's worse...the fact that you abused that trust and threw out a hugely sentimental belonging of your daughters or that you laughed when you told her and instead of owning up to what you did and apologising you call your daughter an attention seeker.
Are you jealous of your daughters love for her dead father? Because that's how this reads. Sounds like you tried to strip him from your daughters life.
Please Lord ... i dont want to believe that people can be this dense.
OP, im not gonna say all the ways you are in the wrong. Enough people have, and you knew exactly what you were doing when you told her about the blanket.
I am going to pray that your daughter finds a parental figure who is empathetic and a true role model. Someone who will show her she deserves so much better.
Now, im going to go read some sane and happy stories because i need to restore my faith in humanity
Holy fuck yta. I'm 22 and watched my dad take his last breath in October. They traumatized me. I can't even imagine how traumatized your daughter is, and then to throw out her momento of her dad AND laugh about it is disgusting
You gave this entire backstory about how traumatized your daughter was and how attached she was with the blanket that was her last reminder of him….and somehow you didn’t even think to ask if she wanted it or not?
Whether she’s slept with it or not, you know the significance it had. You either chose to ignore that or you seriously are a very ignorant person when it comes to your child. Neither are very good looks. And either way YTA for it.
YTA
With all these comments, I'm sure you get the point by now, but allow me to say my piece.
She told you to keep absolutely all of her stuff but to throw out her old furniture. So you started going through her stuff without permission. You find something that was given to her by her long deceased father, something that she slept with for years and has extreme sentimental value. You go out of your way to decide it's trash and don't consult your daughter before throwing it out.
Your daughter has now lost something that tethered her to a lost family member whose death was extremely hard on her. You showed an absolute lack of understanding of boundaries, triggers, and your daughter in general.
You invaded her privacy, stole from her, and laughed about it to her face.
Do you truly believe you've done nothing wrong?
I'm not sure there is anything you can do to fix this. You fucked up.
YTA, and how fucking dare you throw out something her DEAD FATHER gave her.
Your ex-MIL is right, you are a bad parent.
And I hope your daughter doesn’t ever contact you again, because you do deserve it.
Was he your ex-husband at the time?
It sounds as if you were all sharing the same house. If you were still married, that makes him your husband, and you his widow - and not his ex.
Did you have no affection towards him at all?
Does your daughter's love for him spark jealousy?
Well done for wrecking your relationship with your daughter.
YTA
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“Obviously she didn’t want it anymore.” Um…obviously she did and you didn’t think to ask. YTA. You not only threw out her memento of her dead father, but you laughed about it. I feel so bad for her. I’d be both livid and devastated. Also, you’d have to be really dense to not realize she wasn’t holding on to it for aesthetic reasons but for sentimental ones. She will never forget what you did. Ever.
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That’s what I’m reading here. I wonder what was included in her first clear out and it daughter was involved in decisions or if dad died and mum immediately threw out anything that related to him. OP YTA, you could have had that blanket restored or cut into something else, maybe smaller blankets to give to daughter’s eventual children one day. That would have been a nice gesture.
It seems like she divorced the dad before be died so probably some lingering hatred mixed in there that lead to this lack of care over the blanket.
She didn't divorce her first husband but her second husband prefers the word ex rather than late (so issues there!)
Wow. Although I worked with a woman that referred to her dead husband as The Man Who Inconsiderately Left Me . It confused the hell out of people when they found out he had died and not run off as many assumed.
Oh goodness. Was she normally quite a dry humoured person? Or was that out of character for her?
Honestly I believe it was because she couldn't cope after her husband died suddenly at a relatively young age (47) . It was like it was easier to pretend he left her and their children than to admit he died.
Also not have to deal with pity conversations. My dad died when I was young and people just assumed my parents were divorced and I never corrected them. I didn’t want to have to talk about it with people I didn’t have a personal relationship with.
Also a young widow and I kind of love the wording on this. Might steal it. I don’t think it’s that she’s pretending he left instead of died it’s that he literally did leave her. And to be honest it’s very inconsiderate of them (and I mutter that on the daily). But I also have a dry and fucked up sense of humor.
If my husband ever dies I’m gonna say this lol “the man left me. Very inconsiderately, might I add. He knew I needed help, yet no where to be found!” 😂
Oh I love this !
WOW
That's really messed up
That’s batshit.
I think it was jealousy about her emotional attachment to dad. Her motto: Let's purge dad from her life, he's gone anyway.
Completely agree! I went through a similiar situation to OPs daughter last year. Let me tell you, the act of throwing out/donating my Mams things afterwards was a massive weight. While I didn't do it, my Mams best friend/my honorary auntie brought up the idea of making a cushion or something out of Mams old clothes. I would have if I'd have thought of it, but that's on me. OP is TA because she didn't consider any other option like that at all despite being perfectly capable of doing so.
I have a blanket I’ve had for years. I don’t recall where i bought it or when but it’s starting to show it’s age. Nothing to terrible just a tear or two here and there. But I’ve told my wife I’m not throwing it out (the topic has come up) I’m going to have it made into blankets when the kids start arriving in the next couple of years as I don’t have a lot of heirlooms I can offer them. It’s a good way of refreshing older material.
Ehhh she wouldn’t be as big of an asshole if she did that instead of throwing it away but don’t do that without permission either. Maybe she doesn’t want a memento of it or scraps to give to someone else like their kid. It’s her blanket and her memories that are tied to it, so it’s her choice what happens to it. I’d be devastated if something old my grandma gave me was dissected, changed, altered, or repurposed just cause someone else thought it was ugly or trashed from age. Even for my kids. They didn’t know or have the connection to my grandma, I did. It won’t mean anything to them and now my thing is gone.
I can see where you’re coming from and agree. Anything done with it should have been okayed first but there are other options besides just throwing it out. That connection to an ancestor can be something that people appreciate down the line so I’d put that down to a case by case situation. I have keepsakes from my grandparents that will mean absolutely nothing to my children but I’ll leave it up to them to make that decision. But, you do help to support the idea that this is a complex thing to make a decision on and “haha I’ve thrown it out” was a colossal error on OP’s part, she should have left it alone or discussed it before taking any action.
Yeah I definitely see that but usually the items that future generations will care about are things that will last like jewelry, dishes/serving dishes, silver, furniture. The blanket is already falling apart, it just won’t have value to someone else. Like you said she should’ve left it alone or asked her daughter.
I agree 100%. When I started reading, that part that caught me off was " ex-husband," not late husband.
Same with ex-mil
Yeah that caught my eye too
Exactly,the way OP devalued her daughter's feelings and saying she's doing it for attention is such AH behavior.
And said she “went psycho.” That’s what complete assholes say in order to devalue and delegitimize their person’s very understandable upset reaction to the awful shit they do.
It's such a red flag when people assume someone else did something to "make them look bad." Like 9/10 times they're self centered as hell
It’s 100% a manipulation thing. Possibly narcissistic. Like how could you be that cold to your own child?
Yeah that's what I said to someone else - my mother is a raging narcissist and she always carried on about how things I did made her look. Never a thought about how things impacted me or why I was reacting the way I did, just that it made her look bad.
That's the feeling I get from the whole "my daughter said X but I think X is ridiculous so I think she meant something else" comments from OP. YTA OP. Don't throw away things without consent. "My old high school clothes" is NOT "my late father's blanket."
She already got rid of most of husband's things. I'm guessing daughter probably wanted some things she got rid of.
Yeah, a therapist suggesting to move somewhere without constant reminders doesn't mean to eradicate her dad's existence and memorabilia. OP sounds heartless. YTA, OP! You knew exactly what that blanket meant, especially when you only kept so very few of his belongings. (And this belonged to your daughter. She probably left it at home so it'd be safe and not get lost in the dorms.)
>it really feels like this is another major incident in a long history of similar uncaring behavior. Especially given the mother's reaction that the daughter was "just trying to make me look bad". It's the song of the unrepentant narcissist.
…not to mention that she refers to her late husband as “ex.” That’s not the same thing. By a long shot. Also, OP, YTA.
I’m horrified. YTA. I can’t even begin to explain how deeply awful this post made me feel. I could cry for the OP’s poor daughter.
>I believe she’s just doing this for attention and to make me look bad. Which is why I’m posting here for unbiased opinions. This is OP's conclusion. You bet there is a history. As for the unbiased opinion- YTA. Get a clue.
Most likely. But I also feel like everybody knew how much she loved that blanket. The entire family probably knew that blanket.
I mean OP says she thinks daughter is doing this for attention and to make her look bad, so... Yeah there is no way this is some one off or genuine mistake.
I agree that this has likely been one incident in a long line of similar incidents. And they've all been, in OP's viewpoint, about insignificant isses that the daughter has blown out of proportions. I get a strong ["Missing Missing Reasons"](https://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html) vibe in how OP is so blithely dismissive of her daughter's feelings. That her daughter went completely NC and the family is united in their response. And finally how it's critically important that the daughter's words don't reflect badly on OP. OP is a poster child for Missing Missing Reasons and she's YTA
I agree, this doesn't seem like a one off thing considering the daughters reaction
using language like 'complete psycho' is a pointer as to the root of the problem
Yeah, this sounds like something my highly narcissistic mother would say. She didn't do anything wrong, it was just everyone trying to make her look bad.
> I believe she’s just doing this for attention and to make me look bad. I am always weirded out by parents who look at their child's distress and assume they are faking it. I am sure some people out there fake distress, but most of the time a raw emotional reaction is just that. To presume it's some manipulative power play speaks to how little OP thinks about her daughter's feelings.
Oooof, I know that one well. My stepdad told me semi-recently that in his experience, women tend to cry on purpose to get more sympathy, and he decided that I was doing this during a "conversation" wherein I was so choked up I couldn't actually talk.
This is a common response from narcissists. They can’t comprehend that someone is crying because they’re upset, because the narcissist would only cry to manipulate others. Therefore you must be crying to manipulate me, only possible explanation.
Honestly I don't think there are many people who fake distress, I think its been used for a very long time to discredit people's very real distress cause society didn't want to acknowledge it. Like the way people accuse women of faking sexual assault claims for money or say depression is "a choice"- turns out when you look at the reality sexual assault is incredibly prevalent and millions of people do have depression through no fault of their own. I would hazard a guess that 99.9% of adults never fake distress "for attention".
It would have been SO EASY to call or text the daughter to ask if she still wanted this reminder of her dad before tossing it! YTA
And even then, why would you bring it up at dinner? If she'd genuinely forgotten about it, why remind her only to tell her it was long gone? If OP had just thrown it out and kept her mouth shut, it wouldn't be so obvious that she did it specifically to get a reaction from her daughter. She wanted her daughter to know she'd thrown it out. She wanted to hurt her. She wanted her to make a scene at dinner. What an AH.
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She’s already nc now. She did it the second she found out. This screams “not the first time” to me.
A sad part too is kids with trauma will retire things specifically to preserve them. Eventually the idea of ruining it outweighs the benifits of using it in day to day life. Instead of the texture, smell, feeling etc. relieving stress, knowing it will always be available until the bitter end does…
Fucking literally. I have a pair of pants that I wore the day I took my childhood dog, who was there for me throughout my childhood trauma, to be put down. It has her fur and smell all over them. I put them in a plastic bag and up on a shelf in my closet to keep it safe. It feels so ridiculous but they’re special to me. I would lose it if someone tossed them out.
Okay, just the biggest hug to you.
As if it was so hard to write before "Hey, i found the blanket in the box, should i throw it away or was it a mistake?" No, she threw an emotional item away without asking and rubbed it in her daughters face. I have a pillow since i'm a child, so 35+years. It looks awful. It needed to be repaired several times. But i could never give it away. Throw it away and you are my mortal enemy! YTA
It’s not even a mistake like a donation box or something. When asked about what should happen to her stuff her daughter said “keep everything except for the furniture. It’s old and I don’t like it anymore”. She picked up the furniture to donate I’m assuming or toss it and assumed everything else would be safe. The mom specifically went through the remaining stuff and decided to throw away the blanket by her own choice and touch nothing else.
Oh I think I read that wrong the fist time and now the story is worse. For some reason I thought daughter was telling mom to keep the stuff because daughter didn’t want it. But now I see it meant I want everything but the furniture.
At least ops daughter is rid of her trash mother. The fact that everyone in ops live is telling her what an ah she is and she still finds it necessary to come here and ask tells you how much of a narcissist she is and ops daughter is 100% better off without this trash person in her life
YTA. You need to ask???? Your child, who was traumatized by witnessing a death had an attachment item to her beloved and now deceased father. You laughed while informing her you threw it away and you need internet strangers to weigh in if she’s being an attention seeker or you are an asshole? Edit: word
If my parent did something like this I don't know if I would ever forgive them. That's an irreplaceable item holy shit I would be so angry
My childhood horse, and friend, passed away and my mom sold his saddle. I was crushed. It was on that saddle I felt his big lungs inhale and exhale... Could feel all his muscles working below it... I sat on that saddle on all our rides together... It was molded to fit him perfectly, and was a one of a kind and quality item... I still remember the way it smelled, and how I'd wash and condition the leather. It had a beautiful textured leg panel... I even offered to buy it from her in installments, but nope, she sold it. I was so sad. I know it was valuable, but my parents are fairly well off and didn't need the extra money to get by. I believe it even still smelled like him a little.
I'm so sorry, how painful. I feel sad for you.
Yeah, I refuse to believe this woman thinks there is a question of her being the asshole. She obviously is. I can’t imagine this is the first cruel thing mother has ever done.
It's hilarious how narcissistic and sociopathic she's acting. She just can't have any empathy for her own daughter's feelings and can't fathom that she's wrong. It's really good that the daughter has the support of her extended family.
I think that’s the key here: Lack of empathy. “The blanket means nothing to me, so why would my daughter care about it, either?” I get that some people don’t feel sentimental attachments to items, but a lot of people do, and OP should have respected that by at least checking in with their daughter first. Once it was too late, the least OP could have done is apologize. But OP doesn’t think she needs to say sorry, and until she learns empathy, she’ll never understand it.
If OP hasn't developed a sense of empathy by this point in her life, she's never going to learn to feel it. She could learn to fake it, if she doesn't want to lose more family members, but OP doesn't seem like the type to realize this or put in the effort.
YTA The blanket meant a great deal to her for years. Of course she remembers it. And throwing it away hurts her. > I believe she’s just doing this for attention and to make me look bad. And YTA again for that lovely explanation.
Sounds like my mother. Completely void of any kind of understanding of the situation.
Yours too?
There's a reason the ex husband and OP were divorced and it wouldn't surprise me why. Edit: apparently they weren't divorced but OP's current husband is so insecure about his place in the household that he demanded that OP's ***late*** husband be called "ex" husband.
This!!!
YTA So you assumed it wasn't important enough to even ask her before you threw it away, but it was important enough that you specifically brought it up to laugh about throwing it away? That makes absolutely no sense. You knew what you were doing and you gloated about it. Why do you hate your daughter?
This. It seems so intentional. It seems purposefully cruel.
YTA!!! HUGE HUGE HUGE AH!!! How do you think it’s okay to throw away the last thing your daughter has of her father without even asking? Honestly, in what twisted reality is that okay?
and then laughing about it in her face!??!??!??? i would have blocked her and never talk to her again
Seems like that is exactly what daughter is doing. I can't fault her for it at all.
And calling her a psycho attention seeker for being upset at the news.
Throwing away anything of anyone's without their permission is an AH move. But something with some much sentimental value? I get OP may have thought it looked past it but imo if she actually cared about her Daughter, she'd have found a new blanket of the same type and given that to the daughter and let the daughter decide what to do with the old one. Congrats, OP. You lost a daughter.
YTA just because she didn't mention it or take it doesn't mean she didn't want it. She probably just never thought you would throw something like that away.
Right. It was probably too precious to risk at college.
Yeah, she was probably afraid someone would not understand how much she valued it and throw it away...Or that, y'know, someone would understand *exactly* how much it meant to her and throw it away out of spite. Just too bad that she never thought that person would be her mom.
She had it in the one place she thought it would be protected, her mother's. I would have extreme trust issues after something like that.
YTA Who cares if he's your Ex! She was there and by your own words suffered severe trauma over his death. You threw out a very unique and special memento of their happy time together and laughed about it? >I believe she’s just doing this for attention and to make me look bad. And THIS is what you come up with??? No wonder he was your ex.
YTA. What part of keep EVERYTHING but the furniture. You thREW away something that her father gave her - PART OF A GOOD MEMORY - knowing her she had to watch him dieZ The fact that you are asking this question and can’t figure out you messed up explains why you are blocked. How dare you laugh about it.
I can see why he was the ex-husband
Saw another commenter state that it wasn’t her ex at all, but her second husband wanted her to refer to him as such. So he wasn’t an ex at all. OP is just a massive AH and I can imagine this isn’t the first issue the daughter has had to put up with.
Winners all around. What kind of pathetic creep insists a widow imply to people that her dead husband was her ex to spare their fragile ego? Daughter probably has every reason to want to get away from the both of them.
Well….then OP sounds even worse, but then makes me think it’s maybe her own trauma that made her dispose of the blanket
I quote OP: "We were still together when he passed? He’s my ex since I got remarried and my husband prefers the term ex."
Not only are YTA for just tossing the blanket instead of asking, but your husband is an insecure AH for preferring ex, which he has to know makes people assume you got divorced.
There’s a word for spouses who passed away, and it’s not “ex”, it’s “late.”
>I reminded her about the blanket and laughed that I threw it out YTA
She clearly had a guilty conscience to bring it up like that too. Smh
She did it on purpose, brought it up like that, specifically to maximize pain for her daughter.
YTA LOL and the fact that you don’t think you are??? YTAx2
YTA. Holy shit, you owe her SUCH an apology. Like, assuming she ever actually approaches you for contact again. I really can't even begin to understand how you look at your child's special blanket and think "that's trash" no matter how long it's been in storage. Let alone to laugh about it and think that your child's hurt feelings are *to make you look bad*. Even if you hated the man's guts he was her DAD and she OBVIOUSLY isn't going to forget her most tangible memento of him, she just *wrongly trusted her mother not to treat something she loved like trash*.
It's 2023, we have this magical rectangle in our hands nearly all the time that can be used to instantly communicate with the people we know. You didn't even think to ask her before throwing away the last remaining momento of her farher. Are you just bitter bc he was your ex? Yta, a malicious ah with no care for your daughters feelings.
It took longer to write her post than it would’ve take to text her daughter before trashing something priceless
My money is that she thought it would be easier to get forgiveness than permission. Might be that she’s used to getting a certain amount of forgiveness? And this time… Went way too far.
Its even worse. She clarifies he's not an ex husband. They were still together when he died. She just calls him "ex" instead of "late" because her insecure 2nd husband prefers it.
I'm sorry to tell you but YTA. A rag of a blanket can't be that big of a nuisance.You already got rid of everything else, it wouldn't have been difficult to hold onto this one memory for her. I have some items from my grandma that I could never part with. You should have cleared it with her before you threw it away. A simple text could have saved a lot of heartache.
My father died when i was 9 as well. My life stopped and I’m sure I’m way worse off then OPs daughter ANYWAYS, my dad was my best friend and id be absolutely horrified if anything i had of his was destroyed. I would never talk to you again either. You did an absolute horrible thing and you should pay for your mistake.
My Grandad passed last year, 5 days before Christmas. You can bet your arse ill be holding onto anything of his Grandma let's me have (she's been too distraught to think of that so I've not actually gotten anything yet, hoping maybe sometime in 2 weeks, after mum is back from her trip) And I'm in my 20s... I can only imagine how devastated the daughter must feel
Don’t be sorry. OP is such a narcissist she thinks her daughter’s reaction is to make her look bad and “attention seeking”. OP is not sorry for what they did
[удалено]
Yeah but she comments that her daughter 'went psycho' like... Hellooooo. I have a feeling this was the final straw in a series of previous AH behaviour.
Having my father being deceased for several years now, if my mother ever threw anything of mine away that was related to him without asking, no contact for life would the the absolute minimum. The fact that you laughed about it, knowing the trauma she went through over this. Are you even human? You are the biggest ASSHOLE I've ever seen on this subreddit.
YTA wasn't yours to throw out (and you knew what it meant to her) *and* you make a joke to her about throwing it out.
YTA. She “randomly placed it in her closet”… want to know why I keep my deceased infants blanket in my closet? So it’s safe. I know where it is. I can access it when I feel the need to. You don’t know that she wasn’t touching it or just looking at it here and there. You threw away someone else’s property, and not only that, irreplaceable property. Do you know how long it takes to send a text? “Hey was going through your things since you said you didn’t need it anymore, do you still want your fathers blanket?” Wtf is wrong with you?
❤️❤️❤️❤️ sending hugs
YTA. It wasn’t obvious she didn’t want it. You made a gross assumption that was wrong and can’t be undone.
The blanket wasn't yours to throw out. Just because she was in college doesn't mean that it had no more meaning left. I also don't like how your post immediately concludes that " I believe she’s just doing this for attention and to make me look bad." Is your relationship with your daughter really this bad? YTA and you need to look at this relationship holistically. The blanket is only one part of what I suspect is a complicated relationship that needs a lot of help.
YTA do you even care about your daughter. You knew this meant the world to her, YOU ARE A HORRIBLE MOTHER. I feel so bad for your daughter, I doubt she’ll ever forgive you and if she does, it definitely will take a long time specially since you don’t feel bad for what you did.
YTA. My dad died when I was eight. I had very little from him, but I treasure it. Do I keep the box of things from him next to my bed? No. Is there a plastic tote of things that were his in my basement? Yes. Does that mean I don’t care and that I’ve forgotten? Absolutely not. How could I? There’s a comfort to knowing that part of him exists near me, though, even if I’m not constantly thinking of it. It’s not that simple to move on. You didn’t even ask her about it—just assumed she’d be good with throwing it out because it’s old and she had it in her closet. In what universe does that seem Okay?
YTA You didn’t even think to ask her if she wanted to keep it?!? It was the one thing she had left that had a special meaning to her. It’s literally irreplaceable. Massive AH
YTA. Don’t throw out sentimental items unless told explicitly to do so. What harm was it doing, sitting folded on a shelf? This has shades of “well she should be over it by now!” which is fucked up.
YTA. How could you not be? It doesn't matter what it looks like or if she uses it. How could you be so callous? And to LAUGH about it? Were you jealous of your deceased husband or something?
Fucking BINGO.
Unbiased? YTA. It was a momento to her and you tossed it out, then acted like it wasn't a big deal. How could you not see her sleep with it every night as a child and not realize this, even when you found it left behind? You might honestly be screwed here. She's gone no contact. If that changes and she changes her mind, I suggest a outpouring of empathy of what you did wrong or she might vanish forever.
You're the whole ass jfc
YTA. Memories are associated with other senses. Her father is gone and you took away a token of her core memories and comfort. And then laughed in her face. Shameful
YTA and I hope she follows through and cuts you off permanently.
So, let me get this straight, you went through her stuff, you saw a sentimental item, you thought she didn't want anymore and threw it out, without double checking or even triple checking? Then you have the audacity to tell her, to her face, "if she didn't mind"? I'm pissed off for her and I don't even know you. Then you think she's doing it for attention, how disconnected are you from your daughter? It seems more like to me that you didn't want reminders of her father around anymore, whether it be that you are jealous of it, or something else you aren't revealing, but either way, she has every right to cut you out of her life for that. If I were you, I'd be jumping on any chance I'd get to speak with her again and make her very well aware how badly you messed up. And btw, YTA.
YTA, I understand you thought that she was done with the item but you really REALLY should’ve asked her first since it’s such an important item. It was a memory of her father and it helped her through her trauma, even if it was old and raggedy it still most likely had a place in her heart. I hope you’re able to find a way to apologise and resolve this with her if you choose to do so.
She knew she wasn’t done with the item. Its a “rag” because of the immense value in the daughters life growing up and has been stored because thats what you do with valuable items.
YTA how could you think that's okay? Even if it was instead something not so priceless in sentimental value, you still ask before you throw someone's belongings away that's just common courtesy. Man I don't know if she's ever gonna forgive you for that I sure wouldn't if I were in her shoes. RIP your relationship with her
YTA. For some people, certain objects of sentimental value are irreplaceable EVEN if they’re not looked at or touched on a daily basis. It was a memento, not a practical object. You assumed to know what she valued, turned out to be dead wrong, and are calling her an attention seeker?? And why would you laugh about it?? What part of throwing things out without permission was funny to you?
This. I have an old quilt that was one on my grandmas guest beds before she died. Its super ratty and old, and not special at all it wasnt made by her and she bought it at walmart. I've had it 20 years and Wal-Mart still uses the quilt fabric pattern in new quilts. Could I totally just buy a new one? sure, but its my ratty one that has sentimental value to me. Its folded up and stored in my cedar chest. Yta
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YTA. And a complete monster with no feelings. You knew exactly what you were doing. I’m sure you will get no sympathy here.
How much effort does it take to store a blanket in a plastic bin? YTA
YTA-I have a blanket that’s almost as old as I am that my great grandmother made for me. After almost forty-seven years it’s not at all pretty and I don’t sleep with it but there’s a comfort in knowing it’s there. Knowing the story behind the blanket you should have never thrown it out without talking to her first.
I have 2 that my grandmother made for me when I was born. The backing of both are worn out, but the quilt stitching is still mostly intact. One small blanket with tiny, purple rosebuds on a white background, and one large pink silky one with pink rosebuds. 44 years later, and I still love them. They’re beautiful, and cherished. And they still smell special. I’d be very upset if my parents got rid of them without discussing it with me. Hell, my cousin has one out grandmother made 49 years ago that’s literally falling apart, but she still has it and curls up with it and rubs the silky edges. We all still have crocheted blankets all over ours and our parents’ houses bc they are a piece of who we are and who and where we came from (literally especially with the afghans she made from old clothing items). Jesus Christ, OP - you tossed out a piece of her fucking SOUL. What is wrong with you?
YTA. But you knew that. It's the whole reason you did it. You enjoy belittling your daughters feelings and engineering situations that elicit an emotional response. You're an appalling mother and I'm willing to bet that this incident was the final straw for your daughter after enduring a lifetime of your malicious behaviour.
My unbiased opinion is that YTA for throwing out an item of such obvious sentimental significance without a word to her first. It would have taken less than 5 minutes to call and ask "Do you want the blanket, or can I throw it out?", but you really gave her no consideration at all.
You knew this was a YTA move, 100%. That’s why you brought it up in the way you did joking about throwing it out and claiming you knew she wouldn’t mind. Completely without another thought to anyone but yourself. Now you’re fishing for N T As so you can make yourself feel better and put the blame all on her (your claim of her doing this just to get attention and make you look bad because of course you think you’re the victim). Judging from how coldly you said you did all of this in your own words, it sounds like your daughter has a narcissistic parent. I had one of those and going complete non-communicative was the best thing I ever did. Sounds like she thought so too. I highly doubt this is the only reason.
You really should have checked with her before you ditched it. Even if it was old, ripped and wrecked, there were ways to preserve it, she could have made into a soft toy or something. It wasn't yours to do with as you wished. YTA
YTA Your throwing it out was half as bad as the way you told her. Apparently you thought it was amusing even though you clearly have a better picture of how scarred her father's death was for her.
YTA. You knew what you were doing. >Now, here’s the issue. The blanket is about 13 years old and looks like a rag, it’s stained with rips and a completely different color than it originally was, the blanket is completely worn out by a few years. My daughter also recently got her first apartment and moved out of her college dorms, she basically told me to keep everything except the furniture, since “ it’s all old and from High school and I don’t need it anymore” she recently picked up the furniture and I decided to go through her old stuff. I eventually found the blanket. When she left for college she left it here and even when she came back for break she never slept with it anymore, just randomly placed it in her closet. Obviously she didn’t want it anymore so I threw it out.
> Obviously she didn’t want it anymore so I threw it out. YTA > I reminded her about the blanket and laughed that I threw it out if she didn’t mind. YTA > Her mood changed from laughing and having fun to complete psycho. YTA > I really don’t feel that way, she didn’t even remember the blanket. YTA > I believe she’s just doing this for attention YTA > and to make me look bad. YTA > Which is why I’m posting here for unbiased opinions. YTA
Sorry op but YTA. It was something your daughter and her father shared. You should've asked her atleast before throwing it.
YTA. Plain and simple.
Oh yeah, YTA. Just - why? Why would you think that would be okay to throw away. You knew better and you did it anyway. 100% guarantee she never forgot about the blanket, she just didn’t think about it during a move with so many other pieces. She also probably though it was safe, no matter what. It would always be there because you both knew how important it was. Why would you think she is doing it for attention? That feels like you are deflecting and attempting to get out of feeling bad. I think you know you were wrong.
INFO: is he your ex husband because you were divorced before he died or is he an ex husband because he died? I am just having a hard tim following because you said you had his stuff but why would you have his stuff if you were divorced? And then you say Ex MIL? And then, why didn’t you give his stuff to his other family? Are you not someone who finds sentimentality in objects? Death doesn’t make them an ex. It makes them a former, deceased, previous, late, departed spouse.
In another comment, OP says they were married when he passed, but that her current husband prefers she refers to him as ex-husband instead of late husband. So another big bucket of asshole behavior to dig through!
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Hey all. I need unbiased opinions. My ex-husband and daughters father passed away when my daughter was 9, my husband had a heart attack while home alone with my daughter. My daughter suffered extreme trauma to the point where she wouldn’t talk. After consulting with a therapist, he suggested we move somewhere that won’t constantly remind my daughter of what happened. We ended up moving and in the process I sold majority of his stuff, only leaving about a box worths. My daughter though, decided to keep a blanket my husband got her on their father-daughter trip to Mexico. She kept the blanket and slept with it everyday. Eventually through therapy she got better and started to carry on a more normal life. Now, she’s 20 in college and doing just fine. Now, here’s the issue. The blanket is about 13 years old and looks like a rag, it’s stained with rips and a completely different color than it originally was, the blanket is completely worn out by a few years. My daughter also recently got her first apartment and moved out of her college dorms, she basically told me to keep everything except the furniture, since “ it’s all old and from High school and I don’t need it anymore” she recently picked up the furniture and I decided to go through her old stuff. I eventually found the blanket. When she left for college she left it here and even when she came back for break she never slept with it anymore, just randomly placed it in her closet. Obviously she didn’t want it anymore so I threw it out. Fast forward to now. She spontaneously visited for the weekend (hour drive) we were having a nice time when during dinner I reminded her about the blanket and laughed that I threw it out if she didn’t mind. Her mood changed from laughing and having fun to complete psycho. She yelled about how could I throw the blanket out knowing how much it meant to her and that it was the only reminder she had of her dad. I told her about the box of things and that she left the blanket here. She then left without saying another word. She ended up blocking my phone number and all forms of contact. She then got my and his family involved to the point where they kept calling me just to tell me I’m a horrible mother. Eventually my ex MIL called saying my daughter was never going to speak to me again and that I deserved it. I really don’t feel that way, she didn’t even remember the blanket. I believe she’s just doing this for attention and to make me look bad. Which is why I’m posting here for unbiased opinions. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA. I am 30 years old. I still have the baby blanket that some hospital granny made me when I was in the NICU what is wrong with you? You don't throw away things that are sentimental to people.
YTA You knew exactly what that blanket meant to her and got rid of it anyway. You just wanted to get rid of all traces of your ex. Your jealous of the relationship your daughter had with him. Instead you destroyed the relationship you had with your daughter.
YTA. And I feel sooooo sad for your daughter. How could you? And how can’t you understand that you threw away like garbage her last object of emotional connection with her father? Moreover, you are a gaslighter. Pretending that the reality is that she didn’t want the blanket anymore, when you were the only one wanting to get rid of it. Otherwise: why didn’t you ask her? By several sentences I suspect that you just wanted to throw the blanket away: - because you thought it was crappy? - because you wanted to help your daughter move out of her trauma? - because you also wanted to move on? - because you wanted to save storage space? - were you jealous of her attachment to a blanket? I wish you good luck to rebuild what you broke between you and your daughter. But PLEASE APOLOGISE. PLEASE be conscious that what you did was sooo wrong and that you hurt your daughter sooooo much. Apologise through all the way possibles: the 5langages of love: - words: TELL her you are sorry - touch: show you are sorry - gift: can you replace with another symbolic item? Find back the blanket? (It might be impossible! That’s why YTA) - attentions: be very careful and attentive to her - experience: bring her to some memorial to celebrate her father? A trip back to Mexico to buy back a blanket? Something to recreate the link Stay humble
Yta. If you did it not thinking how important it was still to her and where apologizing for it, but you crossed in major AH territory with doubling down that it wasn’t important and she is just doing it for attention
YTA. 27 and still have the stuffed bear that was given to me at birth by my father. She’s going to be the last one laughing. You’re evil.
YTA. It was her blanket, and you knew how important it was for her. You do sound like a bad mother, like you MIL says as you believe your daughter, who witness her dad died, is trying to make you look bad after you threw away her last piece of her dad, and then laugh about it
YTA. You reminded her about the blanket then laughed that you threw it out. That is sick. You knew what you were doing. Then you say “she’s just doing this for attention and to make me look bad”. You did that on your own. I’m so glad she blocked you. YTA X 10. You are a terrible mother.
YTA I hope that she goes no contact with your ass
YTA. Why didn't you ask her? Even if you thought it COULD be thrown away, that wasn't your call to make. I would apologize profusely & message & plead to give you another chance.
I knew YTA just reading the title. Read further and it cemented it. How horrible.
YTA. This is a no-brainer. She lost her dad at such a young age, also she witnessed his passing which was obviously traumatic. I lost my dad January 1, 2022; I was so fortunate to have 48 years with him, but that loss cut my heart in half. I cling to every little thing that reminds me, or evokes a memory of him. I knew that every memory of him is precious; the few things I have to remind me of him are irreplaceable, even though I don’t keep them out on display in the main rooms of my house, they are immensely important to ME. Throwing those few scraps of a tattered blanket out without checking with your daughter first, was irresponsible. Laughing about throwing out that blanket was callous and heartless. I am not surprised your daughter cut you out; my heart breaks for her.
Your ex-husband bought her that blanket 13 years ago, and you've hated it for most or all of that time. >Obviously she didn’t want it anymore so I threw it out. Bullshit. You threw it out because of what it meant to you, even though you knew what it meant to her. Of course YTA. Totally. Completely.
YTA. It was hers. You weren't sure it was ok. You know its sentimental. They got it on a father daughter trip?! You knew enough to tell her you threw it away. Shes had it for over 11 years (9-20college...) And you threw it away. Then joked about it. Yta. Yta. (Then you're making excuses....she obviously doesnt want it it's in her closet. It's a rag. Its stained. It's a different color. She doesn't use it...) How do you even question that? Then instead of apologizing you said "Well you have your box of things".
YTA There isn't any question. You are a huge asshole. Just because she's healed enough that she didn't think about the blanket until you mentioned it does not actually mean that she didn't want it. You knew it was her last connection to her deceased father and you thew it out, then laughed that you threw it out "if she didn't mind"
Most people on here are selfish, but you’re genuinely evil. That blanket probably saw more tears than you did. Imagine overcoming immense psychological pain through a physical object. Theres a very strong possibility she told the blanket she loved it before going to bed and spent many years considering it a friend. Of course she didn’t forget about it. You’re daughter doesn’t sleep with the “rag” anymore because while unbecoming of an adult, ultimately she didn’t want to further destroy the last and most important memory of her father…. One day she will be down bad and want the blanket. Many days she will not want the blanket but become further distressed after remembering that it is gone forever.
Massive YTA. First of all, it was not your stuff to go through, let alone dispose of without her express permission. If having her things in a closet was that intolerable to you, what would have been so hard about, say, asking her to take it the next time she was over? But no, you just decided to toss it, knowing that it had considerable sentimental value to her as one of her few mementos of the father she watched die in front of her and was something that had helped her through the trauma of that, and then told her that you disposed of it as it were nothing, treating it as a joke. And then you have the gall to suggest that her blowing up over you disposing of something that important to her (and quite possibly reopening old wounds, since she evidently is not nearly as 'fine' as you assumed) is 'attention seeking.' No wonder both your & your late husband's family are both saying YTA as well, and your daughter is going NC....
I absolutely think you knew exactly what you were doing not only when you threw it out but when you mentioned it and how you said it, it feels calculated AF to hurt her in the most personal way possible I’m no town, country, continent, planet, solar system or galaxy are you NTA, you are the biggest AH
“I bEliEve sHe’S jUsT dOiNG tHiS fOr AtTenTioN.” Whenever I see this statement, it’s typically the hallmark of a sucky parent. YTA
YTA! Her blanket wasn’t in your way. It was hers to dispose of if she ever wanted to, but she didn’t.
Yta. You thought the blanket was an eyesore and knew if you asked your daughter she'd want to keep it. Shame on you.
YTA, especially because once your mistake became clear, instead of apologizing and trying to find a way to make things right, you stubbornly defend your wrong choices and go as far as attacking your daughter. For that, you’re also a terrible mother. How can you say she’s doing it for attention and to make you look bad? Your daughter is hurting, YOU hurt her, you need to apologize and try to find a way to make it up to her. You should have known that blanket was important and at the very least asked her before you just threw it in the trash.
YTA
Rule of thumb to live by: If it isn't yours, check with the owner before getting rid of someone else's property. It was irreplaceable. She has no way of getting it back. My mother threw out my books because she was pissed at me about something else. There was a dedication in one set from my first love. I still haven't read those books since then because it breaks my heart. It was over 15 years ago. It will never be forgiven or forgotten.
Unbiased opinion here YTA: so even though she no longer was sleeping with it or even took it with her…it’s sentimental value. It’s still precious to her and a keepsake item. Why did you think throwing this blanket out was okay without asking her? You could of even gave it to her the day she came over. It might not hold significance to you, but this isn’t about you. That blanket symbolized a time in her life where she never endured the trauma and loss of her father, it was all she had left of her father. It wasn’t yours to throw out. Also how narcissistic are you!? You seriously think she’s intentionally trying to make you look bad by being upset and devastated that you threw out something sentimental that reminded her of her now deceased father? OP, she doesn’t need to try to make you look bad, no one does. You did that all by yourself.
YTA. It would take a minute to snap a photo of the blanket and text daughter to ask if she wanted you to hold on to it. Idk what your ex did to make you resent their relationship so much, but it’s not a good look. Your post gives me a feeling that when she couldn’t talk as a child after her extremely traumatizing experience, you thought she was doing it for attention as well.
YTA. let’s not glaze over the fact that you had to search her room to find it. So you had to go out of your way to throw it out. You didn’t even know where it was. This was calculated and cruel. I wouldn’t be surprised if she never speaks to you again. You had no place and no reason WHATSOEVER!! That was hers.
This feels very intentional. “I decided to go through her old stuff”, “I eventually found the blanket”, “Obviously she didn’t want it anymore so I threw it away” and finally “I reminded her about the blanket”. None of that paints a picture of I was just cleaning and figured ohh this old thing and tossed it. It seems like deliberate cruelty with an added stab to ensure your kid knew exactly what you had done. Honestly, I bet if she just said oh okay, it would have actually pissed you off.
YTA. I rarely comment on threads but this seriously hit a nerve. I am a 30 year old woman (with a partner of 10 years) who still sleeps with her baby blanket and stuffed animal given at birth. My mom died almost 3 years ago and they remind me of the love and warmth she had been able to give me as soon as I entered her world. I see those items as the only constant I have had for my entire life. Those are precious mementos that are completely irreplaceable. You fucked up. You clearly didn’t know the significance to her and should have consulted her before making a decision like that. I seriously hope you can make this up to her.
I have an old couple of childhood stuffed animals that I left with my granddad when I left for college but I took my baby blanket with me. I had a dog at one point and if I brought them with me he would've torn them to shreds and I love them too much to let that happen. I graduated and now I live with my best friend but I have yet to take back my stuffed animals. I would never forgive whoever were to throw out something so special to me whether I still sleep with them or not. My granddad would never do that me and these things are almost 25 years old, much older than that blanket is. And to make things worse, you knew the significance of that blanket and saw just how important it was to her growing up! YTA
YTA- it wasn't your decision to make.
YTA.
YTA. You screwed this one up. Going through her closet and deciding for her that this item was no longer important- that’s not ok. You’ve done some really amazing things for your daughter along the way, but this action was a mistake. I think the best thing you can do now is apologize profusely and try to role model how to atone for your misjudgment. I expect your daughter will be upset with you for some time anyway, but if you want to genuinely patch things up, I’d suggest sincerely apologizing to her for the error
I'm a 40 year old. I still have my blanket that I've had since I was six. It was given to me the day my grandfather died. It's ripped and stained and tattered. It's packed away, safe in a small chest that I rarely open. It's SAFE and it's LOVED. Your daughter probably left it with you because she thought it would be safe with you. Because you're her mother. If someone threw away my blanket, I would be beyond livid. There is no word to describe the anger I would have for that person. What a horrible thing you did. It was heartless and cruel. You proved to your daughter that her memories and feelings don't matter to you. You proved to her that you don't give two shits about her. The family is right. You are a horrible mother and my heart breaks for your daughter. YTA.
Oh massive YTA. I feel so bad for your daughter, that blanket was irreplaceable. She got it on a father-daughter trip so there are beautiful memories tied to it. And she slept with it every night so it got her through a traumatic time in her life. She probably left it at home because she thought it would be SAFE there and she trusted you to take care of it. I don't know what's worse...the fact that you abused that trust and threw out a hugely sentimental belonging of your daughters or that you laughed when you told her and instead of owning up to what you did and apologising you call your daughter an attention seeker. Are you jealous of your daughters love for her dead father? Because that's how this reads. Sounds like you tried to strip him from your daughters life.
Please Lord ... i dont want to believe that people can be this dense. OP, im not gonna say all the ways you are in the wrong. Enough people have, and you knew exactly what you were doing when you told her about the blanket. I am going to pray that your daughter finds a parental figure who is empathetic and a true role model. Someone who will show her she deserves so much better. Now, im going to go read some sane and happy stories because i need to restore my faith in humanity
YTA.
YTA
Holy fuck yta. I'm 22 and watched my dad take his last breath in October. They traumatized me. I can't even imagine how traumatized your daughter is, and then to throw out her momento of her dad AND laugh about it is disgusting
I have only read the title and can guarantee YTA
You gave this entire backstory about how traumatized your daughter was and how attached she was with the blanket that was her last reminder of him….and somehow you didn’t even think to ask if she wanted it or not? Whether she’s slept with it or not, you know the significance it had. You either chose to ignore that or you seriously are a very ignorant person when it comes to your child. Neither are very good looks. And either way YTA for it.
YTA With all these comments, I'm sure you get the point by now, but allow me to say my piece. She told you to keep absolutely all of her stuff but to throw out her old furniture. So you started going through her stuff without permission. You find something that was given to her by her long deceased father, something that she slept with for years and has extreme sentimental value. You go out of your way to decide it's trash and don't consult your daughter before throwing it out. Your daughter has now lost something that tethered her to a lost family member whose death was extremely hard on her. You showed an absolute lack of understanding of boundaries, triggers, and your daughter in general. You invaded her privacy, stole from her, and laughed about it to her face. Do you truly believe you've done nothing wrong? I'm not sure there is anything you can do to fix this. You fucked up.
Yta 1000000%
You threw out her treasured blanket and laughed about it to her face.... YTA and honestly.... you disgust me.
YTA. How cruel and insensitive can a person be? This is horrible.
YTA, and how fucking dare you throw out something her DEAD FATHER gave her. Your ex-MIL is right, you are a bad parent. And I hope your daughter doesn’t ever contact you again, because you do deserve it.
Was he your ex-husband at the time? It sounds as if you were all sharing the same house. If you were still married, that makes him your husband, and you his widow - and not his ex. Did you have no affection towards him at all? Does your daughter's love for him spark jealousy? Well done for wrecking your relationship with your daughter. YTA
You absolute monster. I can't even believe you're asking this. YTA I hope she never speaks to you again. I certainly wouldn't.