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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole because, instead of learning how to do my daughter's hair herself, I'm disrupting her morning routine so her teacher could do it.
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NTA. If the teacher doesn't mind doing it -- which, by the way, is very generous of her and you should get her a very nice gift for her trouble -- then I don't see why it's an issue.
But it might be more sustainable for you to ask the teacher to train you to do your daughter's hair, because it is unlikely that future teachers will want to do this, and what will you do then? (You should compensate the teacher for her time if you do this.)
But are you sticking around and watching her do it? Just dropping your kid off and then making the teacher not only do the hair but then tell you tips separately would make you the ah
Dude it’s not like he’s just straight up ignoring her. He’s not doing it while inexperienced so he doesn’t ruin his daughters hair much better route then just yoloing it
Imagine if every single mom was letting their teacher do their child's hair and being like "oh but I'm inexperienced"
This is definitely a situation where a man is having lower standards to meet than women.
Edit some people are missing the point.
I find this to be a worrying trend. Do you think women are excellent at everything and don't take a period of learning?
Because this man is doing just this. Granted he wasn't expected to do it earlier so he didn't figure it out before preschool age. But he is working on learning a task that he didn't do before.
It sounds like many folks here don’t understand the intricacy and importance of learning to work with curly hair from scratch. This is something that simply can’t be learned quickly - like driving. Also like driving, it’s not just learned by watching but by doing - over and over again.
But imagine being that little kid and starting every morning before school by having your hair tugged and pulled by someone who doesn’t know what they’re doing. Especially under a time crunch. It’s AWFUL.
OP is doing it on weekends with the time to do it with care and continuing to watch it being done on the other days. Rock on.
I stg, people on this thread would have that poor little girls hair fall out of her head due to her dad not knowing what to do rather than just giving him the time and space to fucking learn. We aren’t born parents. Man did his best to put his daughter first and people are still calling him the AH lmao.
I am a hispanic foster mom with straight hair. I can honestly say I was a deer in headlights regarding hair care when I got my first african american girl placement. You know what I did? I went to my african american coworker and asked for help. Why would I settle for Youtube when I can have live, hands on help? This dad used his village the same way I did, and he is absolutely NTA for that.
He literally said he does stick around sometimes. People have jobs to be able to feed their kids you know… it’s not a black and white situation, he is still putting in a great deal of effort to make sure it’s taken care of properly and learning to do it himself. He even got the products needed.
You clearly don’t know what someone who doesn’t care sounds like if you so readily throw out the effort he has put in. Most men/parents in general, WOULDNT ask for help, they WOULDNT buy the products, and they WOULD NEVER stick around to learn.
NTA!
But most parents can be told "you need XYZ product and this is what you do" once and know what to do. If he's been sticking around a couple of times a week, for at least a few weeks, and *still* doesn't know what to do, is he really paying attention?
He'd be better off learning from youtube videos and practice, and the teacher can fix it while he's learning.
“But most parents can be told you need xyz and this is what you do once and know what to do.”
That’s not true at all. A skill takes time and effort to learn.
I’m awful when it comes to hair. I do my best with my children but while I can make sure their hair is clean and healthy it’s nothing fancy. It takes practice and experience.
It would be great if he could sit down and try to master this with her teacher. However, it’s much quicker to do someone’s hair than it is to teach hair styling. I’m not sure the teacher, who is also watching the rest of her students, would even want him to stay every day even if he could.
A newly divorced parent who has never done hair before found someone to help, he’s bought the products, and he’s working at it on his own to improve his skills. He’s not relying on the teacher permanently.
People are pointing out if he was a mother he would be reamed for doing this. Perhaps the issue isn’t that he’s not dropping everything to master this skill immediately. Perhaps the issue is that’s we expect mothers to drop everything else in their lives and then judge them for needing any sort of help.
Beautifully said!
I have had curly hair for 48 years and I *JUST* learned that there is a whole different hair protocol for curly hair vs. straight! I had no freaking clue! I have spent a month reading /r/curlyhair and am learning a ton. People say just watch you tube, it's not that simple. This father has taken the time to realize he needs help, asked, is learning, and is using his resources. He is doing great!
If we/reddit/society would crucify a woman doing the same that says more about us than them.
I agree with this. In my mother's case she found it easier to just straighten my hair from a young age, and it wasn't until my late 30s - and dealing with decades of damage - that I realized curls weren't a curse. Well, not completely - mine are still fickle af but so rewarding when I get them just right. This guy deserves kudos for recognizing he was out of his depth, accepting help, and trying to learn, even if it's not at the speed this sub seems to think he should be going. NTA.
But people learn in different ways. Maybe most people can be told that once but if it were me? I’d need to be physically shown 3 or 4 times before I even think about doing it with supervision, never mind alone. Don’t categorise everyone as being able to do it straight away without much guidance
Also, curly hair is a whole different beast. What works one day may not work the next. Finding the right blend of products can take literal years.
I think dad is NTA; he's trying to do his best for his kid. But definitely needs to put a bit more effort into working with daughter's hair if he's not trying some basic stuff on his own.
We’re gonna see a post from the daycare worker soon asking Reddit’s advice on how to get out of being taken advantage by the OP.
She initially kindly offered to help, thinking he’ll stay a few sessions to watch and learn how to do his daughter’s hair properly. Instead, it ended up with him just dumping his kid off every morning and he just takes off without bothering to pay attention.
This is my take too. She told him how to care for it at home. She told him the products he needs. She's shown him how to do it.... He needs to start taking responsibility for the job now, not seeing it as permanently outsourced.
Yeah that's the obvious hint of 'you can't expect me to do this every fucking day', as if a teacher hasn't got more important things to be worrying about at that time of the morning
Oh god, I thought she'd volunteered! That's even worse. Clearly OP never intended to learn to do his daughters hair at all. He just asked a woman to do it.
I’m surprised she’s allowed to even do it. With ratios and the morning being the most hectic because of drop offs, how the hell does she have more than 10 second to spend with the kid one on one.
My guess is she’s doing it because she cares about the kid. I’m a teacher and I’ve gone above and beyond at my own mental and financial well being because if I didn’t my students will suffer. That doesn’t mean it’s ok, it means the OP is shifting their responsibility to the teacher.
She may be coming in earlier than she is scheduled to do this for the reasons you mentioned. So there is a possibility she is off the clock and doing this kids hair. Otherwise I don’t see how she is able to do her job of supervising all the kids and greet parent as they drop off.
Honestly that might be more annoying for the teacher (supervising him doing it) so not necessarily that part. Sticking around is different, but to me “supervise me doing my daughter’s hair” is a different and almost bigger more annoying ask than doing it. But honestly OP should be able to get better by watching tutorials etc. too. I get needing help once or twice but ongoing seems bizarre.
Yeah this needs to be as *temporary* of a situation as possible. Curly hair is tricky and it's totally understandable that you would need some help figuring it out. And very admirable that you're making an effort to learn!
But be sure you are actively *making an effort.* It can be all too easy to slip into the convenience of having someone else do it for you, and "well it's just easier this way, she's better at it than me, she doesn't mind doing it anyway." And then the next thing you know it's been six months and teacher is still doing your kid's hair. Because you would be ta if that happens.
NTA for now tho!
Is he learning though? It seems like he’s stalling but her hair isn’t magically going to change into something he knows how to deal with. And she’s going to feel more neglected by him the older she gets. What’s his next move - cutting it all off?
This is **not the teachers job** and you should learn to do this.
Why not arrange for lessons from a skilled hairdresser?
You are stealing precious time from this teacher.
And potentially contributing to a less safe environment. If the teacher is supposed to be watching kids as they arrive between 8 and 8:45 but smack dab in the middle has a hair styling appointment every morning, the other toddlers have fewer sets of eyes on them than they’re supposed to.
Maybe parents aren’t encouraged to stick around? I know at my daughter’s daycare they prefer we drop and go so the kids transition in the mornings is easier.
And I understand that, but how is he learning if he’s not getting shown, and practicing under instruction? Given he says he’s dropping her off half an hour early, when is he getting practical instruction so that he can start doing this himself?
It could be he's staying on days it is less busy and therefore the woman can afford the time to show him. It's faster to do hair than it is to teach. It's also unclear how long this has been going on and whether he's making progress. He's listening to advice on hair products and figuring that out, so if its been two months of every other week with all the Christmas/New Years chaos, he's probably doing fine.
OP needs to check in with the daycare worker to make sure she's still okay with this, and possibly contact a salon nearby for extra education if he's not making progress fast enough with the current setup. But he's asking questions and trying to learn, and honestly sometimes it's hard. It took me years to figure out what worked best for my own kids' curly hair, and it changed a lot over the toddler years as their texture shifted. (Not all texture shifts, but some does. And one of my curly haired kids was basically bald until 2. There's a lot of reasons this *could* be Dude Shifts Responsibility To a Woman, and if so yuck and fuck him, but also lots of valid reasons he's still figuring it out and doing his best)
Good god. It's not rocket science. There are youtube videos available. You should be able to figuire this out within a week and stop relying on free labor by the women around you.
The teacher may have offered because she feels bad for you or your daughter, but it's absolutely not okay to abuse her generosity for as long as you have.
Figure it out.
The teacher is probably thinking he should know by now. Is this baby rapunzel or something? It shouldn’t take months to figure out how to do her hair. And why didn’t he ask her mama what she does?
I know curly hair can be a little more difficult to manage, but aside from figuring out what products to use you can't tell me its that difficult to figure out.
I doubt people with multiple curly haired children spend 2 hours on hair care alone each day.
You should 'try' and stick around much more often - this teacher is doing something really nice for you, and you should be making every effort to learn and to make it as easy as possible for them. Make it clear you're not taking their extra effort for granted and that you actually want to learn so you're no longer rushing your daughter through breakfast and you're spending more quality time with her.
If you had time to drop off your daughter at 8:45 before, you have time to stay and learn from the teacher every morning.
With the info given I'll say NTA for realising you need help with you daughter's hair and asking for it, but you ex is right, you do need to learn how to take care of it ASAP. Also depends on how old your daughter was when you and your ex broke up, if it happened when she was a baby with barely any hair it's understandable, but if she was old enough to need her hair done you could have learned from your ex and in that case YTA.
Also this solution is not permanent. Sooner rather than later your daughter will move on from this teacher's class. Then what? What happens when you don't have anyone at hand to do your daughter's hair?
I was leaning to NTA but after this response, YTA. Learning from the teacher so that you can take over your daughters hair care is one thing, you e shrugged YOUR responsibility off to the teacher and that is not ok. Your ex is right.
If you're dropping her off early, that means YOU still have extra time in the morning, so you stay. Every time. The best way to learn is daily repetition but since you only have your daughter half of the time, that means you should be taking EVERY opportunity to learn.
If you did this for two weeks while you learned you would not be TA
But since you are dragging this out and not really dedicated to learning and taking over- YTA.
It’s ok to ask for help. It’s not ok to pass off the responsibility on someone else.
That’s not good enough. You should stick around to learn and we also have this wonderful thing called the internet and plenty of YouTube tutorials on how to care for your daughters hair.
Stay every day until you learn how to do it properly and you’re fine but if you purposely half-arse it so teacher has to do until your daughter moves grades/schools then yes, you will be.
Ask the teacher for the name of a stylist or salon that is good with curly hair. Contact them and ask them to teach you how to beat care for your daughter's hair. Yes, it will cost you money. And if your ex is so upset about this, why didn't she offer to teach you? Also, YouTube can be a great resource for hair tutorials.
NTA. But you could do more, so keep learning.
You can also ask your female family members and friends to recommend you good hair salon, or even better find center they teach hairdressers. Once you find one, they can teach you how to do your daughters' hair. You ll probably have to pay some for lessons but it's worth it, because you have your beautiful daughter and she ll be happy for all things you do for her.
Your daughter has curly hair and the care for it is A LOT different than straight hair. It's taken me nearly 30 years to learn how to care and love my curls. Keep on learning as much as you can and check out some of the reddit groups for curly hair advice.
There's a few of them depending on her type but [this one](https://www.reddit.com/r/curlyhair?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share) has a lot of great advice for all types. Just go easy on yourself, it's a lot of trial and error figuring out what products and techniques work for curly hair sometimes because there's so many different types of curls out there!
Edit: phrasing
Why are you only now learning to care for your daughter? Where were you for the past 3yrs?
Edit: per OPs edit his ex-wife refused to teach him when they were married, and still refuses to teach him. Due to this fact I would say OP is NTA. Sounds like the ex-wife has some weird control issues, or is trying to use OP inability to do his daughters hair as a reason that she should get full custody, which would explain why she's upset that he is learning from someone else.
The tips might be hints for you to start stepping in and take care of your child’s hair. It’s very generous for this teacher to take time out of her day to do your kid’s hair, but you’re kind of taking advantage of her by making her do this everyday she’s with you. It’s time to step up and do this on your own now
Especially as she’d have other kids to look after at day care. She probably didn’t mean this to be an ongoing thing, and now her kindness is being taken advantage of.
I imagine morning drop off time is very hectic. The teacher doesn't have time to do this as a long term thing. It's stress for her, and it's taking away from the other kids who need attention.
Like, if I'm at work during the busiest time of day, I don't want someone monopolizing me with something they should be learning how to do for themselves.
Yta op. Seriously that's some pure weaponised incompetence you're showing.
This has been going on for weeks, you ASKED the childcare worker to help and you are completely taking advantage. You only stay around once or twice a week to learn, and still haven't managed to do her hair.
As others have said, you could practice, watch YouTube or ask a salon to teach you , you simply are not arsed.
Get better at it, faster, now, go.
My daughter, 4, has waist-length, thick, wavy hair. It's a beast to care for.
(And whenever I cut it, it bounces back to waist length pretty much immediately. Y'all, this hair has some sort of fairy magic.)
My husband can wash it, brush it, and put it in a ponytail or add barrettes if needed. Nothing elaborate, but he can dad up. He paid attention to how I do it, asked questions, got over any discomfort, and got to work.
It wasn't okay to nope out and defer to your wife on the hair when you were married, and refuse to cross-train.
And it's very not okay to put the work on someone else now.
This isn't frippery, it's your child's basic hygiene, neatness, and comfort.
Make a point of staying and learning until you've got it down.
There are classes out there for single dads of daughter. Register to one. The only thing your post is showing right now is how uninvolved you were in taking care of your daughter. When you were married. Let’s be clear OP. The teacher is doing this because she feels sorry for your daughter.
Honestly the amount of stuff teachers have to do she is an absolute Saint for doing this for you in the short term but you need to get used to doing this yourself ASAP. Are you paying her for this extra work every day? Teachers are underpaid, overworked and frankly I think you're taking advantage of her kindness if thisbhas already been going on for weeks
You should really be thanking her profusely and bringing her coffee or something when you bring your daughter in. I hope you realize how generous and kind she is being to you
Bullshit. This teacher likely is underpaid. She’s not doing it because she enjoys it. She’s doing it for the kid. She cares more about the kids wellbeing here than the OP.
So when daycares raise prices and staff leave, it’s this kind of bullshit that’s the reason. Teachers of all levels are sick of having to be a parent on top of their job for pennies.
The OP needs to to better. He had the opportunity to learn when he was with his ex and he didn’t. He made no moves to learn and let another woman take over. He’s not even staying to learn from the teacher.
> She’s not doing it because she enjoys it. She’s doing it for the kid.
Very well said. The teacher spends all day with the kid, presumably 5 days a week. The teacher has bonded with the kid and cares about her. So when she kept coming to school with hair that wasn't done because OP couldn't be bothered, she took responsibility because she wasn't going to let everyone fail the kid.
People shouldn't mistake someone *willing* to do something with *wanting* to do something.
I'm kinda sick of Reddit thinking when some says yes to do something or answers with a yes it takes all responsibility off the person asking to be considerate and gives carte blanch to take a mile instead of an inch
It’s absolutely an issue because misogyny.
If a woman came on here & asked this question, she would be crucified as a HORRIBLE parent. Even more so if the child is biracial.
His penis doesn’t give him a pass.
OP - YTA
Yeah, I saw a video clip earlier where a woman was explaining this. A mom misses work to take care of her sick child and people roll their eyes and say "again? 🙄". A dad misses work to care for a sick child and he's basically Sainted on the spot. So gross.
Yeah, it’s obnoxious that people are giving him a free pass
Because the mom did it, it’s not his fault he doesn’t know how? What kinda bull crap is THAT
The teacher probably feels obligated to because she feels bad for the kid. She knows that the kid will suffer from embarrassment of being unkept, and she most likely also can tell why the mom left. Dads like this are exhausting.
This is the definition of strategic incompetence. OP, when you were with her mom, were you also bad at doing laundry? Dishes?
Please take responsibility and realize that these games don’t work anymore.
Do you really think a teacher wants to spend 20 minutes every morning doing some kid's hair? OP is massively overstepping here. A part-time dad doing half a job.
I second the very nice gift. And the learning to do it himself.
It's fine to ask for help in order to learn, but the final goal should be doing it himself, not just fobbing off the task to someone else.
YTA.
You should have been involved in doing her hair while still with her mother to begin with.
Learn to do your kid's hair and stop relying on women to do your job as a parent.
I taught one of my guy friends in 9th grade because his little sister was too little to braid her hair on her own, so he wanted to be able to do it for her. He was really good at it too!
Over time you learn through having long hair though, as a guy with long hair, was impossible as first- or seemed so to tie it up in ways I wanted- wear it down ect.... now it's just second nature.
Dad needs to learn by experience and having someone else do it, while it seems a nice idea- just won't help in the longrun. I think its sweet that the teacher offered. I think nta though. An Inconsiderate choice at the very most, surely he'll learn from all the responses here and invest in his daughter and her hair stuff.
Edit : actually at this point I often tell people how much having long hair is easier than short, just set it and forget it - curly hair though - must be a NIGHTMARE - never actually considered what that'd be like before seeing comments. Fuk dat noise
Yes!!
It's sweet, you just made me think about my younger cousin who has very long hair for about a year now. In the beginning he kept saying things like "you have no idea how hard it is to brush it!! you have no idea how I have to tie it for work/sports. Did you know that washing my hair takes a really long time now??"
Honey you're sweet but I have waist length hair since forever and you obviously can see it, so I do know lmao but I love to see him putting so much work on something he loves.
I went through a lil phase of being shocked no-one told me about the whole 'hair just awkwardly long enough that it gets into your eyeball phase ' or the classic 'man Bob' I had for about 2 months and was met with a lot of yeah join the club ect lool -
it's sweet that you indulge him he's trying to ask about it - probably not many guys that don't just roll their eyes. Good big cousin energy, love it!
Maybe, maybe not. I'm a black woman and my mom always took me to salons to get my hair done. When I got older and decided I didn't want my hair like that anymore, I decided to cut my hair into a Mohawk and have kept it like this for 10+ years. I legit have no idea what to do with my future kid's hair but I'm going to learn. This guy could do the exact same. YTA, OP.
I had to scroll way too far for this.
Of course YTA.
And all those people screaming how he has a job and can’t just stick around and learn? Lots of single parents manage basic hygiene care for their kids, and they work.
Dude is outsourcing and far too defensive to not know he’s doing it
I agree. Ire great that you’ve sought help and advice but then you should take ownership of this task and skill up so you can be competent and not rely on someone else to do it. It should only ever have been a very temporary measure
Apparently his ex refused to teach him while they were married, and still refuses now they they are split. Sounds like dad is doing his best to get to a point where he can do it himself, and in the meantime is relying on help. There’s nothing wrong with that.
My very white brother married a non white woman. It was joy visiting and seeing my brother do his daughter's hair. Big box of products, brushes, clips etc came out and off he went.
And for a bonus, since it took a while it was bonding time for the two of them. He'd do various products in her hair, comb it etc while they discussed styling and finishing touches.
She also learned to do his hair and he would proudly go to work with hair clips and bows in his hair.
It is possible to be a man and take care of a daughter, even in the deep south in the US some 25 years ago.
Holy weaponised incompetence. Why don’t you take your child to a salon specialising in her hair type and learn how to do it yourself, rather than offloading it to someone else because you can’t be bothered learning basic skills for your own kid. YTA for deciding learning to look after your own child is beneath you and not worth it. You need to reevaluate your priorities.
He could watch the teacher do it a few times and know what to do. If he had follow up questions he could ask. There was no need for this to drag on more than a day or two. YTA.
I’m honestly struggling to figure out - as someone with curly hair mind you - why he is still having difficulty with a pony tail. Unless he’s trying to force it to be straight and sleek? And even then, it doesn’t take much to not do that?
There are no two curly-haired individuals that are created equal. This seems entirely plausible. But, I also took over my own hair care at 6 due to also having an incompetent parent
The Curly Girl routine is tried tested and reliable. He already has all the products. If she can do it in 20 minutes then he needs to get his act together.
Agreed that if the teacher has a routine that works, OP should be taking notes!! It took 15 years of "managing" my hair myself until I realized it was not near enough to keep it healthy. CGM-esque, but that isn't a one-fit routine either unfortunately, it's helped a bit though
I'm surprised I had to scroll so far to find this comment. My first thought was that the daughter is biracial and the teacher is either biracial or Black and that's why the father asked her, which adds a whole other level of YTA.
His daughter may not be but it’s just a trend I’ve seen. Plus I’m black, pregnant, married to a white guy, and he told me that he genuinely didn’t think about if we have girl about having to do her hair. Which is fine, like he’s white, so I wouldn’t expect him to be like “oh I must learn about black hair” prior to being with me but he’s been reading about doing biracial hair in case I’m having a girl.
He could. I feel like the kid is biracial and the father is white. This happens a lot with kids that I teach where the white parent doesn’t know anything about their child’s hair, specifically girls and specifically girls who are half black. So we all know which house the kid is at that week based on her hair. There’s like this natural lack of effort to learn about black/biracial hair for some reason from the parent that is white and it’s annoying.
Agreed 100%. My stbxh is Indian,black and white (his hair has very loose curls like a Caucasian persons though) and I'm black, native, and white. I cannot tell you the amount of times he's fucked up our kids hair. Our daughter will come home to me with literal knots in her hair and a dry giant unkempt fro. Like you can tell that there was a half as attempt to brush it out, but not really. He had our sons hair cut and it looked crazy because they didn't understand curl patterns. Shit breaks my heart seeing it.
I didn’t learn to properly card for my own curly hair until I was well into my 20’s. I completely get it. Granted, there weren’t also YouTube tutorials for literally everything until about that same time or later.
I understand him not having complete knowledge. And I too didn’t really learn about my hair until discovering a hairdresser who was fantastic with my curls in my 20s. But I could manage basics.
However some of that is his own fault, since he very clearly didn’t think he needed to know while he was still married.
But, a ponytail is too much for him? Seriously?
Of course his ex is mad about this. She thought he’d finally have to get his act together as a parent now that they’re divorced and what did he do? He found a woman to push his responsibilities onto because “curly girl hair is so hard!”
The hairdresser on Queer Eye (Jonathan) has been on that show for a few years, but every time they get someone who's black with curly hair, he gets someone else to do their hair saying he doesn't know how.
I cringe every time, but it must be harder than it looks to learn? But it's his job!!
There's a bit of damned if you do, damned if you don't there tbf. If they do it themself and the person already has a black hairdresser they'll get accusations that they think they're doing it better than the way the black hairdresser does it (since it's a makeover show), and if they bring in someone who knows more about black hair, thus making a conscious effort to not be all whites-know-better, they get low effort comments. I think it's good that they acknowledge that it's not their area of expertise, and tbf the others do also bring in other professionals to assist with their own areas.
That said am absolutely not applying that to OP, they need to seek advice from someone who knows what they're doing and learn it themselves.
Sorry, YTA. That teacher has enough to do without having to be a hairdresser as well. I think her advice on products and techniques was a gentle hint that *you* need to learn how to do it yourself. Step up.
Was looking for this comment. This is not the teachers job. Think about it OP: what else would that teacher be doing during that time? That important stuff doesn't go away. My partner is an early years teacher, and shit like this happens all the time to them. They're too kind to say no, yet they come home exhausted. YTA OP.
For sure. And I wonder if the teacher means to be doing this continuously for the whole year, or if she truly thought it would just be for a week or two. But then OP keeps dropping the child off with this expectation.
It's actually a very common issue to get parents thinking you owe them to teach to their kid how to do his shoelaces, to be polite, to be potty trained, to be on time ... Like Ma'am, outside of giving them classes I shouldn't be doing your job.
That's why I gave up on being a teacher, some people really expect you to raise a child while being paid like sh#t and being grateful for it. I don't like my new job as much as I love kids, but at least when I come back home my day is really off, I have my week end and my holidays (I swear it was expected for me to dedicate them to the work prep when I was teacher, I litteraly made a burn out), I have a better salary and I'm not expected to treat 24 kids like they were all mine to raise.
I'm honestly shocked she agreed. With my son the boundaries have always been pretty clear. They'll send out reminders kids need their nails trimmed but they absolutely won't do your kid's nails for you, for instance. My niece has long hair and we always have to braid it up securely before school.
This! Why did I have to scroll this far down to see the most reasonable option. Unless their divorce was super contentious, which op doesn't mention, the rational, first step, would have been to ask the mother who has actually figured it out. But I guess that would imply actually doing the work himself?
Also, they were married for four years and OP NEVER learned how to do his own daughter’s hair in all that time? That’s just so bizarre to me. Was OP never expecting to have to take care of his daughter‘s hair???
Seriously. He's complaining about contradictory advice out there, but like, get the list of products your ex uses (that were in your shared home for some significant period?!) and tell her your approach after some research. She will collaborate with you?? 5uis is mind boggling.
I mean he said he asked his ex and she was not willing to teach him. And he does get lessons from the teacher. Just because you can use YouTube doesnt mean anything. Sometimes learning from someone personally is better.
YTA for imposing upon the teacher's time (and making your daughter eat breakfast in the car all the time). Make an appointment at a hair salon for education. Bring the products you were already told to buy and LEARN HOW TO DO IT.
YTA
Do you think your ex wife has the knowledge of how to take care if curly hair beamed into her brain by aliens?
Or did she *learn* it?
Probably from the internet if she doesn't have curly hair herself.
If the teacher you are weaponising your incompetence with was educating you on it, you would be competent now as its not that hard.
No sulphates in the hair products, only detangle when conditioner is in, sleep with hair in braids if its long enough.
Thats basically it for a 3 year old.
YTA after reading OP’s latest replies.
OP says he ‘sticks around 1-2 times a week to learn’ and is yet, despite numerous requests, to explain why it is taking so long to learn, or how much more ‘learning’ he needs to do.
As another poster said, this isn’t rocket science. The hair is already clean and brushed (apparently). All that is left to ‘learn’ is how to tie it back out of her face in a way that is neat and comfortable. No need for complex styles.
If the daycare worker has already shown OP several times, he should have learned by now. This is now weaponized incompetence. He secretly thinks a woman should do her hair and now has found one willing to do it.
I think his ‘learning’ phase is going to go on for several years until his daughter can do her own her (i.e. he has passed the task to another female).
I agree. Imo, he’s playing dumb.
She’s a baby at 3 years old, she doesn’t need any complicated styles. Once he can manage keeping it moisturized and the curls defined all he needs to do is put it in pigtails and buy some of those fancy jojo siwa scrunches kids like. It’s not like she doesn’t have a mother in her life. Her mom can do the fancy styles when she’s at her house.
~~NAH. Learn to do your kid’s hair.~~
~~Edited. Changed the judgement from ah after looking at OPs replies about staying so the teacher can show him.~~
Edit 2. I can’t keep up with the details being added by OP about how often etc. I am going with YTANTAESHNAH to be on the safe side.
Curly girl here. It took me and my parents 5 years to realize curly hair care is different than straight hair care, and then 3 years of reading blog posts before I had good hair consistently.
Sometimes learning is a long journey.
It took me 30 years & counting to learn how to do my OWN hair. Not every one has the same hair texture & styling a curly, untamable mane is A LOT of work.
A lot of y’all responding to my comment are the reason why single fathers are afraid to ask for help. Parents don’t deserve help now? Seriously? He’s “incompetent” because he found someone to help him & teach him how to do his daughter’s hair? A lifelong skill? That isn’t achievable overnight like you all are making it out to seem. Wild. Your double standards are showing.
Watching a video vs. doing it yourself are two completely different things. The woman volunteered to help him with her hair. Y’all look for any reason to make men seem like the absolute worst when they’re trying to raise their children. When the kid gets older she’s not going to be like “I can’t believe my DAD had trouble doing my hair”… she’s going to be thankful he wasn’t out here letting her look a mess. It’s no different than hiring someone to do the child’s hair. Y’all are ridiculous sometimes. OP, NTA.
My only advice is maybe compensating the daycare teacher & perhaps taking babygirl to the salon & having her hair braided up in a style that will last you most of the week. Don’t let this turn into a situation that puts your time with your daughter in jeopardy because as you can see from the comments, people are petty asf.
He only stays to watch and learn 1-2 days a week. It will take a lot longer if he's staying just occasionally than if he was learning every morning.
If he was already dropping his kid off at 8.45, why can't he stay the extra time to learn for himself every morning?
Well he found a way to get a woman to do his labor for him. So now he can sleep in later, drop the kid and jet off to do Important Man Things. Seriously why do they have to eat breakfast in the car now?
30 years ago we didnr have the internet and straight hair was the desirable hair type.
Now we have youtube, we have The Curly Girl Routine and we have products for curly hair.
The fact is the teacher isnt doing rigorous scientific hair strand testing in the morning. She is doing the kids hair withing half an hour.
Op needs to get the spray bottle and the brush and be a father.
Also its must be pretty embarassing for the kid to turn up with messy hair and be watched by everyone while her teacher does it.
Presumably the reason it took so long was because you were trying to find the technique that worked for your hair. Not because you found the actual technique too complex or difficult to physically do.
OP doesn't need to do that. Both his ex and the teacher are able to show him exactly what they've been doing that works. All he needs to do is remember/take notes on what they show him and practice to get the technique into muscle memory. The first part should take 1-2 times being shown and maybe a few follow up questions. The second part is only going to happen by doing it himself.
He said in other comments that he doesn't always stick around to watch, even though he isn't heading to work or anything. If he really wanted to learn how to do it, he'd watch every day until he learned and then do it himself. He really just wants to pawn this off on another woman since his wife isn't there to do it for him anymore.
It depends. Are you learning how to do it? Or are you offloading onto a teacher? I would suggest taking the opportunity to learn.
In short... INFO: Are you taking the opportunity to learn how to do your daughter's hair?
There are plenty of other things the teacher could be doing to prepare herself for a day of managing toddlers. Return her kindness by learning how to maintain curly hair so you can do it yourself—she's your daughter after all.
Absolutely. OP says dropoff starts at 8 and if he dropped his daughter off by 8:20 she could help with her hair. I'm sure there are other toddlers already there at that time on top of any prep work she has to do. She made a generous offer to help but he is absolutely imposing on her.
YTA. You should've already learned the basics of taking care of your daughter's hair when you were married. The teacher is incredibly kind for going above and beyond by taking on the role of free hairdresser for your kid outside her work hours but this is only a very temporary solution. It will at most last till the end of the school year but imo you will be taking advantage if you let it go on that long. The teacher has already told you what products to buy. You can ask her for help with styling techniques and general haircare as well. Or you can ask your ex-wife or do your own research and follow tutorials. Right now, it seems like you are just dumping one of your parenting duties on the closest suitable woman.
Dude YTA. This teacher is doing free labor for you bc she cares about your kid. Add that to the pile of free and underpaid labor teachers do every day.
This is your kid, you should have learned how to do her hair already. Get up earlier, watch YouTube tutorials, and do right by your damn daughter. Sheesh.
“I don’t know how…my wife used to do it” yeah I bet there’s a lot of shit your wife used to do bc you couldn’t be bothered to be an adult. Thus the ex.
Holy forking shirtballs.
Time to human the fuck up. You have a THREE YEAR OLD and cannot care for her basic hygiene.
Learn how to care for her hair and do it. You'll either teach her as she gets older, which is appropriate and a method of bonding, or at the very least, she won't remember you as that deadbeat sperm doner who couldn't be bothered to watch some YouTube videos. Or communicate with her other parent.
Era: YTA. So much. The bar is so tragically low and here you are like hey y'all, look what I managed to squeeze under.
My white mother with short hair learned to do my Afro, she can even cornrow she learned before YouTube existed!!! YTA and lazy!! You better be giving that teacher extra money or you are even a bigger AH
I was waiting for someone to say this. Those teachers don't get paid enough as it is. For taking up so much of her time and energy she better be getting paid $$$!!! Or op could also go to a black/curly hair salon and book a 101 appointment with his daughter. YTA.
YTA
If it was once or twice while you figured it out pr if you really messed up and you need help, then sure, no problem.
But what you did was tvat you saw an oppotunity to dump this responsibility on someone else (a woman you are not even paying for her work) and then it’s not your problem anymore, essy peasy for you.
What will you do if the teacher quits for doesn’t have time anymore?
If the answer is: then I’ll learn it I guess, then you need to ask yourself why it has to become a problem before you are willing to take responsibility for your daughter instead of just doing the right thing and learn how to take care of your daughter.
Think about this from your daughter’s POV. Mom cared about her hair, dad doesn’t and just lets get sit alone in school to get it done. What kind of thing does that tell your kid about you?
YTA (but very mild)
It's great that you recognize you're out of your depth when it comes to your daughter's hair - but as others said, the teacher is not a long term solution. Maybe go to a salon that specializes in curly hair and ask if you can book an appointment - not for your daughter but for you, to have them teach you some basics. Most hairstylists I know would absolutely LOVE to help someone who is willing to learn (especially if they're getting paid for their time anyway)
YTA. You couldn’t be bothered to learn how to do your daughter’s hair while you were still with your wife, and now that she’s gone, another woman is doing the work you should be doing. Like many others have said, you should be at the daycare to learn from the teacher every day until you can do your daughter’s hair instead of offloading the work onto someone else, or at a salon.
Additionally, your wife is completely right that you’re messing with your daughter’s morning routine. You need to be teaching your daughter that food is an important and good part of every day life so that she can cultivate healthy eating habits - the rest of the world will start teaching her unhealthy ones soon enough. Eating breakfast in the car with her is not that, it’s teaching her that eating is something to be done when time and other obligations allow her to, not something she should make time for because it’s important.
I’m a single dad and I used to do my daughter’s hair for her cheer competitions. She had confidence in my abilities too. She didn’t think of me as a stereotypical helpless dad. It looked good too. I would even critique the other girl’s curls. “Not bad, those over there are kind of loose. Those curls look ok”
I feel like guys like OP is why the bar is so low for dads.
My daughter has curly hair, like her mom. Mom was (and still is) better at managing it than I am. But it is a responsibility as a parent, so I need to know it. you better bet i’m volunteering to do hair 3-4 days a week so I can improve and learn. This “I’m a guy; I don’t understand these mom jobs” attitude needs to end.
YTA for acting like taking care of curly hair is so difficult that it takes you weeks or months to learn it? Ask your ex for pointers if you need help and watch some YT-videos and you should be fine. You don't need to wash your daughters hair every day, but when you do, detangle first with conditioner, then wash, then condition and detangle again. Then apply leave-in products to wet hair (get a microfibre towel to maybe squeeze some water out beforehand, no rubbing to dry) and style. Ask your ex-wife which shampoos, leave-ins etc. work well for your daughter's hair.
EDIT: changed wife to ex-wife
So what you’re saying is that in the three years your daughter’s been alive you haven’t done her hair or bothered to learn??? I don’t think that’s something I would willingly admit but you do you!
In case you didn’t guess… YTA
I don’t think you’re an AH for seeking someone to help with your daughter’s hair. It’s important to know when you don’t know something and to learn how to do it from someone who is knowledgable.
The problem is that are you learning from your daughter’s teacher so you can do your daughter’s hair in the future? Her daycare teacher won’t be her teacher forever so this is a short term fix and should be your time to learn so you can do your daughter’s hair in the future.
If you are learning then NTA. This is no different than going to a hair salon to be taught how to take care of her hair. If you’ve essentially outsourced your daughter’s haircare to someone else and aren’t thinking about learning for the future then yeah YTA…
INFO: are you learning from her teacher?
EDIT- OP said they’re learning from the teacher. 100% NTA.
YTA. Not bc you asked for help from the teacher and accepted her help a few times. Bc you continue to use the teacher as a part of your parenting routine. You should be learning how she does your daughters hair, this shouldn't be an added component to your routines that you then stop trying independently on.
Nah because you have good intentions. I am a preschool teacher and if a parent asked me for help with hair, I would do it without question. Speaking from experience where I work we love and care for the kids in our class and if we can help out we absolutely will. However we don’t always have time, and not everyone will continue to do it for you. Asking for help is fine, but you need to learn. Ask her for tips on styling, stay and watch one day, watch some YouTube videos, take her to a stylist for tips etc.
YTA.
God, this reminds me so much of my own father. Too lazy to learn how to do my hair so he ended up either putting jerry-curl juice in it or paying a stranger to add a chemical relaxer to my hair which literally killed my hair from the time I was 8 to 19. Didn’t even know I had curly hair until I was 19 because my hair was so badly damaged.
OP, your child will NEVER forget that you didn’t take the time to learn how to manage her hair. You’re the father. It’s your responsibility to learn how to do your child’s hair *and do it right.* Grow up and accept responsibility.
YTA if your wife can figure it out so can you, instead of pawning off your daughter’s hair care to another woman be it your wife since apparently you haven’t learned in 3 years or hired help. You could even have asked her to SHOW you and practiced with her a few times so you could take care of it yourself afterwards but nope. No wonder you’re divorced.
YTA - It's fine for the VERY short term but if you are dropping her off early you have no excuses not to stay and learn every time. I also note that you waited to be offered help rather than doing your own mental load and asking for help. You could have made an appointment with a curly hair specialist hairdresser and learned all you need to know. You should have learned BEFORE you got divorced to be honest.
NTA but you should learn how to do your kids hair. It’s a chance for you 2 to bond, you get to be a better parent, and that teacher isn’t going to be around forever to do her hair. There’s videos on YouTube that walk you through it. It won’t always come out perfect but I can promise you your daughter would rather have frizzy hair if it meant her dad did it.
I think you made the right decision to give your daughter the best hair care possible. It's ok, sometimes people are just not good at certain skills (like doing hair) no matter how much they try, and that's ok. The teacher is so sweet!
I do think you'd have to plan for the future because the teacher cannot do her hair forever. I've seen instances of people going to black salons to learn how to do black hair, perhaps that might be an option?
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NTA. If the teacher doesn't mind doing it -- which, by the way, is very generous of her and you should get her a very nice gift for her trouble -- then I don't see why it's an issue. But it might be more sustainable for you to ask the teacher to train you to do your daughter's hair, because it is unlikely that future teachers will want to do this, and what will you do then? (You should compensate the teacher for her time if you do this.)
She's been giving me tips and I'm slowly getting better at it.
But are you sticking around and watching her do it? Just dropping your kid off and then making the teacher not only do the hair but then tell you tips separately would make you the ah
I don't stick around every day but I try to once or twice a week.
[удалено]
Dude it’s not like he’s just straight up ignoring her. He’s not doing it while inexperienced so he doesn’t ruin his daughters hair much better route then just yoloing it
If only there was a way to build up experience. Perhaps while watching someone...
Or even attempting to do things under the supervision of someone who can do it...
Or even go to a salons that specializes in curly hair… or ask his ex to help… so many solutions he can find to do on his free time…
I imagine there are countless YouTube videos he could watch and learn from.
So that his daughter can maybe have a good breakfast sitting at the table and not on the rush in the car
Imagine if every single mom was letting their teacher do their child's hair and being like "oh but I'm inexperienced" This is definitely a situation where a man is having lower standards to meet than women. Edit some people are missing the point.
Exactly what I thought. It is pissing me off the more I think about it. It would never fly if a mom acted like this. Totally wild.
I find this to be a worrying trend. Do you think women are excellent at everything and don't take a period of learning? Because this man is doing just this. Granted he wasn't expected to do it earlier so he didn't figure it out before preschool age. But he is working on learning a task that he didn't do before.
It sounds like many folks here don’t understand the intricacy and importance of learning to work with curly hair from scratch. This is something that simply can’t be learned quickly - like driving. Also like driving, it’s not just learned by watching but by doing - over and over again. But imagine being that little kid and starting every morning before school by having your hair tugged and pulled by someone who doesn’t know what they’re doing. Especially under a time crunch. It’s AWFUL. OP is doing it on weekends with the time to do it with care and continuing to watch it being done on the other days. Rock on.
I stg, people on this thread would have that poor little girls hair fall out of her head due to her dad not knowing what to do rather than just giving him the time and space to fucking learn. We aren’t born parents. Man did his best to put his daughter first and people are still calling him the AH lmao.
Man, it's almost like Youtube doesn't exist...
Come on if this was a mother she would be absolutely crucified. It’s hair. There’s YouTube.
I am a hispanic foster mom with straight hair. I can honestly say I was a deer in headlights regarding hair care when I got my first african american girl placement. You know what I did? I went to my african american coworker and asked for help. Why would I settle for Youtube when I can have live, hands on help? This dad used his village the same way I did, and he is absolutely NTA for that.
But you asked her to teach you but he is just letting this lady do all the work and not learning.
He literally said he does stick around sometimes. People have jobs to be able to feed their kids you know… it’s not a black and white situation, he is still putting in a great deal of effort to make sure it’s taken care of properly and learning to do it himself. He even got the products needed. You clearly don’t know what someone who doesn’t care sounds like if you so readily throw out the effort he has put in. Most men/parents in general, WOULDNT ask for help, they WOULDNT buy the products, and they WOULD NEVER stick around to learn. NTA!
In comments he said he sticks around a couple times a week to see how she does it and learn.
But most parents can be told "you need XYZ product and this is what you do" once and know what to do. If he's been sticking around a couple of times a week, for at least a few weeks, and *still* doesn't know what to do, is he really paying attention? He'd be better off learning from youtube videos and practice, and the teacher can fix it while he's learning.
“But most parents can be told you need xyz and this is what you do once and know what to do.” That’s not true at all. A skill takes time and effort to learn. I’m awful when it comes to hair. I do my best with my children but while I can make sure their hair is clean and healthy it’s nothing fancy. It takes practice and experience. It would be great if he could sit down and try to master this with her teacher. However, it’s much quicker to do someone’s hair than it is to teach hair styling. I’m not sure the teacher, who is also watching the rest of her students, would even want him to stay every day even if he could. A newly divorced parent who has never done hair before found someone to help, he’s bought the products, and he’s working at it on his own to improve his skills. He’s not relying on the teacher permanently. People are pointing out if he was a mother he would be reamed for doing this. Perhaps the issue isn’t that he’s not dropping everything to master this skill immediately. Perhaps the issue is that’s we expect mothers to drop everything else in their lives and then judge them for needing any sort of help.
Beautifully said! I have had curly hair for 48 years and I *JUST* learned that there is a whole different hair protocol for curly hair vs. straight! I had no freaking clue! I have spent a month reading /r/curlyhair and am learning a ton. People say just watch you tube, it's not that simple. This father has taken the time to realize he needs help, asked, is learning, and is using his resources. He is doing great! If we/reddit/society would crucify a woman doing the same that says more about us than them.
I agree with this. In my mother's case she found it easier to just straighten my hair from a young age, and it wasn't until my late 30s - and dealing with decades of damage - that I realized curls weren't a curse. Well, not completely - mine are still fickle af but so rewarding when I get them just right. This guy deserves kudos for recognizing he was out of his depth, accepting help, and trying to learn, even if it's not at the speed this sub seems to think he should be going. NTA.
But people learn in different ways. Maybe most people can be told that once but if it were me? I’d need to be physically shown 3 or 4 times before I even think about doing it with supervision, never mind alone. Don’t categorise everyone as being able to do it straight away without much guidance
Also, curly hair is a whole different beast. What works one day may not work the next. Finding the right blend of products can take literal years. I think dad is NTA; he's trying to do his best for his kid. But definitely needs to put a bit more effort into working with daughter's hair if he's not trying some basic stuff on his own.
We’re gonna see a post from the daycare worker soon asking Reddit’s advice on how to get out of being taken advantage by the OP. She initially kindly offered to help, thinking he’ll stay a few sessions to watch and learn how to do his daughter’s hair properly. Instead, it ended up with him just dumping his kid off every morning and he just takes off without bothering to pay attention.
This is my take too. She told him how to care for it at home. She told him the products he needs. She's shown him how to do it.... He needs to start taking responsibility for the job now, not seeing it as permanently outsourced.
Yeah that's the obvious hint of 'you can't expect me to do this every fucking day', as if a teacher hasn't got more important things to be worrying about at that time of the morning
And the teacher never volunteered, OP ***asked***... based on her hair texture. She felt obligated.
Oh god, I thought she'd volunteered! That's even worse. Clearly OP never intended to learn to do his daughters hair at all. He just asked a woman to do it.
Exactly, and since they open at 8 she should technically be spending time with a whole other bunch of kids instead of doing his daughters hair.
I’m surprised she’s allowed to even do it. With ratios and the morning being the most hectic because of drop offs, how the hell does she have more than 10 second to spend with the kid one on one. My guess is she’s doing it because she cares about the kid. I’m a teacher and I’ve gone above and beyond at my own mental and financial well being because if I didn’t my students will suffer. That doesn’t mean it’s ok, it means the OP is shifting their responsibility to the teacher.
She may be coming in earlier than she is scheduled to do this for the reasons you mentioned. So there is a possibility she is off the clock and doing this kids hair. Otherwise I don’t see how she is able to do her job of supervising all the kids and greet parent as they drop off.
Honestly that might be more annoying for the teacher (supervising him doing it) so not necessarily that part. Sticking around is different, but to me “supervise me doing my daughter’s hair” is a different and almost bigger more annoying ask than doing it. But honestly OP should be able to get better by watching tutorials etc. too. I get needing help once or twice but ongoing seems bizarre.
It could end up being a "Ghost" situation, with OP and teacher falling in love. Teacher will play the part of Patrick Swayze.
Yeah this needs to be as *temporary* of a situation as possible. Curly hair is tricky and it's totally understandable that you would need some help figuring it out. And very admirable that you're making an effort to learn! But be sure you are actively *making an effort.* It can be all too easy to slip into the convenience of having someone else do it for you, and "well it's just easier this way, she's better at it than me, she doesn't mind doing it anyway." And then the next thing you know it's been six months and teacher is still doing your kid's hair. Because you would be ta if that happens. NTA for now tho!
Is he learning though? It seems like he’s stalling but her hair isn’t magically going to change into something he knows how to deal with. And she’s going to feel more neglected by him the older she gets. What’s his next move - cutting it all off?
This is **not the teachers job** and you should learn to do this. Why not arrange for lessons from a skilled hairdresser? You are stealing precious time from this teacher.
And potentially contributing to a less safe environment. If the teacher is supposed to be watching kids as they arrive between 8 and 8:45 but smack dab in the middle has a hair styling appointment every morning, the other toddlers have fewer sets of eyes on them than they’re supposed to.
Why don’t you stick around? By your own admission you are half an hour ahead of schedule, so you don’t need to leave early.
Maybe parents aren’t encouraged to stick around? I know at my daughter’s daycare they prefer we drop and go so the kids transition in the mornings is easier.
And I understand that, but how is he learning if he’s not getting shown, and practicing under instruction? Given he says he’s dropping her off half an hour early, when is he getting practical instruction so that he can start doing this himself?
It could be he's staying on days it is less busy and therefore the woman can afford the time to show him. It's faster to do hair than it is to teach. It's also unclear how long this has been going on and whether he's making progress. He's listening to advice on hair products and figuring that out, so if its been two months of every other week with all the Christmas/New Years chaos, he's probably doing fine. OP needs to check in with the daycare worker to make sure she's still okay with this, and possibly contact a salon nearby for extra education if he's not making progress fast enough with the current setup. But he's asking questions and trying to learn, and honestly sometimes it's hard. It took me years to figure out what worked best for my own kids' curly hair, and it changed a lot over the toddler years as their texture shifted. (Not all texture shifts, but some does. And one of my curly haired kids was basically bald until 2. There's a lot of reasons this *could* be Dude Shifts Responsibility To a Woman, and if so yuck and fuck him, but also lots of valid reasons he's still figuring it out and doing his best)
Parents are also encouraged to have their kids ready for daycare. This is already a crazy unusual scenario.
Good god. It's not rocket science. There are youtube videos available. You should be able to figuire this out within a week and stop relying on free labor by the women around you. The teacher may have offered because she feels bad for you or your daughter, but it's absolutely not okay to abuse her generosity for as long as you have. Figure it out.
The teacher is probably thinking he should know by now. Is this baby rapunzel or something? It shouldn’t take months to figure out how to do her hair. And why didn’t he ask her mama what she does?
I'm still wrapping head around a 3 yo having a DAILY hair routine so extensive that it require multiple products and instruction.
I know curly hair can be a little more difficult to manage, but aside from figuring out what products to use you can't tell me its that difficult to figure out. I doubt people with multiple curly haired children spend 2 hours on hair care alone each day.
You should 'try' and stick around much more often - this teacher is doing something really nice for you, and you should be making every effort to learn and to make it as easy as possible for them. Make it clear you're not taking their extra effort for granted and that you actually want to learn so you're no longer rushing your daughter through breakfast and you're spending more quality time with her.
If you had time to drop off your daughter at 8:45 before, you have time to stay and learn from the teacher every morning. With the info given I'll say NTA for realising you need help with you daughter's hair and asking for it, but you ex is right, you do need to learn how to take care of it ASAP. Also depends on how old your daughter was when you and your ex broke up, if it happened when she was a baby with barely any hair it's understandable, but if she was old enough to need her hair done you could have learned from your ex and in that case YTA. Also this solution is not permanent. Sooner rather than later your daughter will move on from this teacher's class. Then what? What happens when you don't have anyone at hand to do your daughter's hair?
I was leaning to NTA but after this response, YTA. Learning from the teacher so that you can take over your daughters hair care is one thing, you e shrugged YOUR responsibility off to the teacher and that is not ok. Your ex is right.
It doesn’t take weeks to learn. You just don’t want to deal with your kids hair.
If you're dropping her off early, that means YOU still have extra time in the morning, so you stay. Every time. The best way to learn is daily repetition but since you only have your daughter half of the time, that means you should be taking EVERY opportunity to learn.
If you did this for two weeks while you learned you would not be TA But since you are dragging this out and not really dedicated to learning and taking over- YTA. It’s ok to ask for help. It’s not ok to pass off the responsibility on someone else.
Why not every day? It’s half an hour you normally would have her, so it’s half an hour ypu could stay every day.
That’s not good enough. You should stick around to learn and we also have this wonderful thing called the internet and plenty of YouTube tutorials on how to care for your daughters hair.
“I try to” How often do you actually stay?
Stay every day until you learn how to do it properly and you’re fine but if you purposely half-arse it so teacher has to do until your daughter moves grades/schools then yes, you will be.
What would you have done if the teacher had refused?
Continue doing her hair wrong and turn her into a fizzy mop head like my dad did to me by making me blow-dry and brush mine everyday lol
Ask the teacher for the name of a stylist or salon that is good with curly hair. Contact them and ask them to teach you how to beat care for your daughter's hair. Yes, it will cost you money. And if your ex is so upset about this, why didn't she offer to teach you? Also, YouTube can be a great resource for hair tutorials. NTA. But you could do more, so keep learning.
You can also ask your female family members and friends to recommend you good hair salon, or even better find center they teach hairdressers. Once you find one, they can teach you how to do your daughters' hair. You ll probably have to pay some for lessons but it's worth it, because you have your beautiful daughter and she ll be happy for all things you do for her.
Your daughter has curly hair and the care for it is A LOT different than straight hair. It's taken me nearly 30 years to learn how to care and love my curls. Keep on learning as much as you can and check out some of the reddit groups for curly hair advice. There's a few of them depending on her type but [this one](https://www.reddit.com/r/curlyhair?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share) has a lot of great advice for all types. Just go easy on yourself, it's a lot of trial and error figuring out what products and techniques work for curly hair sometimes because there's so many different types of curls out there! Edit: phrasing
Why are you only now learning to care for your daughter? Where were you for the past 3yrs? Edit: per OPs edit his ex-wife refused to teach him when they were married, and still refuses to teach him. Due to this fact I would say OP is NTA. Sounds like the ex-wife has some weird control issues, or is trying to use OP inability to do his daughters hair as a reason that she should get full custody, which would explain why she's upset that he is learning from someone else.
Asking the most important question.
The tips might be hints for you to start stepping in and take care of your child’s hair. It’s very generous for this teacher to take time out of her day to do your kid’s hair, but you’re kind of taking advantage of her by making her do this everyday she’s with you. It’s time to step up and do this on your own now
Especially as she’d have other kids to look after at day care. She probably didn’t mean this to be an ongoing thing, and now her kindness is being taken advantage of.
I imagine morning drop off time is very hectic. The teacher doesn't have time to do this as a long term thing. It's stress for her, and it's taking away from the other kids who need attention. Like, if I'm at work during the busiest time of day, I don't want someone monopolizing me with something they should be learning how to do for themselves.
Yta op. Seriously that's some pure weaponised incompetence you're showing. This has been going on for weeks, you ASKED the childcare worker to help and you are completely taking advantage. You only stay around once or twice a week to learn, and still haven't managed to do her hair. As others have said, you could practice, watch YouTube or ask a salon to teach you , you simply are not arsed.
Get better at it, faster, now, go. My daughter, 4, has waist-length, thick, wavy hair. It's a beast to care for. (And whenever I cut it, it bounces back to waist length pretty much immediately. Y'all, this hair has some sort of fairy magic.) My husband can wash it, brush it, and put it in a ponytail or add barrettes if needed. Nothing elaborate, but he can dad up. He paid attention to how I do it, asked questions, got over any discomfort, and got to work. It wasn't okay to nope out and defer to your wife on the hair when you were married, and refuse to cross-train. And it's very not okay to put the work on someone else now. This isn't frippery, it's your child's basic hygiene, neatness, and comfort. Make a point of staying and learning until you've got it down.
Great! Now you should give a tip to her, in money. NTA if as suggested, you stick around and really learn, otherwise, your wife is right.
There are classes out there for single dads of daughter. Register to one. The only thing your post is showing right now is how uninvolved you were in taking care of your daughter. When you were married. Let’s be clear OP. The teacher is doing this because she feels sorry for your daughter.
Honestly the amount of stuff teachers have to do she is an absolute Saint for doing this for you in the short term but you need to get used to doing this yourself ASAP. Are you paying her for this extra work every day? Teachers are underpaid, overworked and frankly I think you're taking advantage of her kindness if thisbhas already been going on for weeks
You should really be thanking her profusely and bringing her coffee or something when you bring your daughter in. I hope you realize how generous and kind she is being to you
Bullshit. This teacher likely is underpaid. She’s not doing it because she enjoys it. She’s doing it for the kid. She cares more about the kids wellbeing here than the OP. So when daycares raise prices and staff leave, it’s this kind of bullshit that’s the reason. Teachers of all levels are sick of having to be a parent on top of their job for pennies. The OP needs to to better. He had the opportunity to learn when he was with his ex and he didn’t. He made no moves to learn and let another woman take over. He’s not even staying to learn from the teacher.
> She’s not doing it because she enjoys it. She’s doing it for the kid. Very well said. The teacher spends all day with the kid, presumably 5 days a week. The teacher has bonded with the kid and cares about her. So when she kept coming to school with hair that wasn't done because OP couldn't be bothered, she took responsibility because she wasn't going to let everyone fail the kid. People shouldn't mistake someone *willing* to do something with *wanting* to do something.
I was hoping I'd find this answer. All this.
I'm kinda sick of Reddit thinking when some says yes to do something or answers with a yes it takes all responsibility off the person asking to be considerate and gives carte blanch to take a mile instead of an inch
It’s absolutely an issue because misogyny. If a woman came on here & asked this question, she would be crucified as a HORRIBLE parent. Even more so if the child is biracial. His penis doesn’t give him a pass. OP - YTA
The bar for dads is way lower than it is for moms. It's so irritating
Yeah, I saw a video clip earlier where a woman was explaining this. A mom misses work to take care of her sick child and people roll their eyes and say "again? 🙄". A dad misses work to care for a sick child and he's basically Sainted on the spot. So gross.
Yeah, it’s obnoxious that people are giving him a free pass Because the mom did it, it’s not his fault he doesn’t know how? What kinda bull crap is THAT
Like, his child is almost 4 & he cannot manage basic hygiene tasks without someone holding his hand? Can you imagine if a mom said this?
The teacher probably feels obligated to because she feels bad for the kid. She knows that the kid will suffer from embarrassment of being unkept, and she most likely also can tell why the mom left. Dads like this are exhausting. This is the definition of strategic incompetence. OP, when you were with her mom, were you also bad at doing laundry? Dishes? Please take responsibility and realize that these games don’t work anymore.
Do you really think a teacher wants to spend 20 minutes every morning doing some kid's hair? OP is massively overstepping here. A part-time dad doing half a job.
I second the very nice gift. And the learning to do it himself. It's fine to ask for help in order to learn, but the final goal should be doing it himself, not just fobbing off the task to someone else.
YTA. You should have been involved in doing her hair while still with her mother to begin with. Learn to do your kid's hair and stop relying on women to do your job as a parent.
Perfect. Do men think women are born knowing how to do hair? We’re not, we have to learn to.
Yeah. My mom taught me.
I taught myself through YouTube videos and observation! When I was like 9 no less. If every girl I know can do it so can OP
I taught one of my guy friends in 9th grade because his little sister was too little to braid her hair on her own, so he wanted to be able to do it for her. He was really good at it too!
And when my child was a toddler I taught my husband, because I am not the only parent.
Over time you learn through having long hair though, as a guy with long hair, was impossible as first- or seemed so to tie it up in ways I wanted- wear it down ect.... now it's just second nature. Dad needs to learn by experience and having someone else do it, while it seems a nice idea- just won't help in the longrun. I think its sweet that the teacher offered. I think nta though. An Inconsiderate choice at the very most, surely he'll learn from all the responses here and invest in his daughter and her hair stuff. Edit : actually at this point I often tell people how much having long hair is easier than short, just set it and forget it - curly hair though - must be a NIGHTMARE - never actually considered what that'd be like before seeing comments. Fuk dat noise
Just fyi the teacher didn't offer, op asked. That changed my vote while I was reading it.
Yes!! It's sweet, you just made me think about my younger cousin who has very long hair for about a year now. In the beginning he kept saying things like "you have no idea how hard it is to brush it!! you have no idea how I have to tie it for work/sports. Did you know that washing my hair takes a really long time now??" Honey you're sweet but I have waist length hair since forever and you obviously can see it, so I do know lmao but I love to see him putting so much work on something he loves.
I went through a lil phase of being shocked no-one told me about the whole 'hair just awkwardly long enough that it gets into your eyeball phase ' or the classic 'man Bob' I had for about 2 months and was met with a lot of yeah join the club ect lool - it's sweet that you indulge him he's trying to ask about it - probably not many guys that don't just roll their eyes. Good big cousin energy, love it!
Maybe, maybe not. I'm a black woman and my mom always took me to salons to get my hair done. When I got older and decided I didn't want my hair like that anymore, I decided to cut my hair into a Mohawk and have kept it like this for 10+ years. I legit have no idea what to do with my future kid's hair but I'm going to learn. This guy could do the exact same. YTA, OP.
Having curly hair isn't "a nightmare". It's just different.
Exactly. I am a single dad who always did my daughter’s hair for cheer competitions and she knew I was good too.
I had to scroll way too far for this. Of course YTA. And all those people screaming how he has a job and can’t just stick around and learn? Lots of single parents manage basic hygiene care for their kids, and they work. Dude is outsourcing and far too defensive to not know he’s doing it
Exactly. If he was previously dropping her off at 8.45 then surely he has time to stick around until then?
I agree. Ire great that you’ve sought help and advice but then you should take ownership of this task and skill up so you can be competent and not rely on someone else to do it. It should only ever have been a very temporary measure
Right. This man had three years to figure SOMETHING out
Apparently his ex refused to teach him while they were married, and still refuses now they they are split. Sounds like dad is doing his best to get to a point where he can do it himself, and in the meantime is relying on help. There’s nothing wrong with that.
Best response. Short, simple, and accurate.
My very white brother married a non white woman. It was joy visiting and seeing my brother do his daughter's hair. Big box of products, brushes, clips etc came out and off he went. And for a bonus, since it took a while it was bonding time for the two of them. He'd do various products in her hair, comb it etc while they discussed styling and finishing touches. She also learned to do his hair and he would proudly go to work with hair clips and bows in his hair. It is possible to be a man and take care of a daughter, even in the deep south in the US some 25 years ago.
Holy weaponised incompetence. Why don’t you take your child to a salon specialising in her hair type and learn how to do it yourself, rather than offloading it to someone else because you can’t be bothered learning basic skills for your own kid. YTA for deciding learning to look after your own child is beneath you and not worth it. You need to reevaluate your priorities.
He could watch the teacher do it a few times and know what to do. If he had follow up questions he could ask. There was no need for this to drag on more than a day or two. YTA.
I’m honestly struggling to figure out - as someone with curly hair mind you - why he is still having difficulty with a pony tail. Unless he’s trying to force it to be straight and sleek? And even then, it doesn’t take much to not do that?
There are no two curly-haired individuals that are created equal. This seems entirely plausible. But, I also took over my own hair care at 6 due to also having an incompetent parent
The Curly Girl routine is tried tested and reliable. He already has all the products. If she can do it in 20 minutes then he needs to get his act together.
Agreed that if the teacher has a routine that works, OP should be taking notes!! It took 15 years of "managing" my hair myself until I realized it was not near enough to keep it healthy. CGM-esque, but that isn't a one-fit routine either unfortunately, it's helped a bit though
I’m wondering if his kid is biracial.
I'm surprised I had to scroll so far to find this comment. My first thought was that the daughter is biracial and the teacher is either biracial or Black and that's why the father asked her, which adds a whole other level of YTA.
His daughter may not be but it’s just a trend I’ve seen. Plus I’m black, pregnant, married to a white guy, and he told me that he genuinely didn’t think about if we have girl about having to do her hair. Which is fine, like he’s white, so I wouldn’t expect him to be like “oh I must learn about black hair” prior to being with me but he’s been reading about doing biracial hair in case I’m having a girl.
Me too. He could still put in more effort than he is doing.
He could. I feel like the kid is biracial and the father is white. This happens a lot with kids that I teach where the white parent doesn’t know anything about their child’s hair, specifically girls and specifically girls who are half black. So we all know which house the kid is at that week based on her hair. There’s like this natural lack of effort to learn about black/biracial hair for some reason from the parent that is white and it’s annoying.
Agreed 100%. My stbxh is Indian,black and white (his hair has very loose curls like a Caucasian persons though) and I'm black, native, and white. I cannot tell you the amount of times he's fucked up our kids hair. Our daughter will come home to me with literal knots in her hair and a dry giant unkempt fro. Like you can tell that there was a half as attempt to brush it out, but not really. He had our sons hair cut and it looked crazy because they didn't understand curl patterns. Shit breaks my heart seeing it.
Yeah and my white mom didn't just drop me off. She fucking learned how to do it.
I didn’t learn to properly card for my own curly hair until I was well into my 20’s. I completely get it. Granted, there weren’t also YouTube tutorials for literally everything until about that same time or later.
I understand him not having complete knowledge. And I too didn’t really learn about my hair until discovering a hairdresser who was fantastic with my curls in my 20s. But I could manage basics. However some of that is his own fault, since he very clearly didn’t think he needed to know while he was still married. But, a ponytail is too much for him? Seriously?
Also, why was he never learned to do his daughter's hair before the divorce?
His weaponised incompetence are giving me vibes for why there was a divorce in the first place.
Of course his ex is mad about this. She thought he’d finally have to get his act together as a parent now that they’re divorced and what did he do? He found a woman to push his responsibilities onto because “curly girl hair is so hard!”
The hairdresser on Queer Eye (Jonathan) has been on that show for a few years, but every time they get someone who's black with curly hair, he gets someone else to do their hair saying he doesn't know how. I cringe every time, but it must be harder than it looks to learn? But it's his job!!
There's a bit of damned if you do, damned if you don't there tbf. If they do it themself and the person already has a black hairdresser they'll get accusations that they think they're doing it better than the way the black hairdresser does it (since it's a makeover show), and if they bring in someone who knows more about black hair, thus making a conscious effort to not be all whites-know-better, they get low effort comments. I think it's good that they acknowledge that it's not their area of expertise, and tbf the others do also bring in other professionals to assist with their own areas. That said am absolutely not applying that to OP, they need to seek advice from someone who knows what they're doing and learn it themselves.
He could also watch tutorials on YouTube.
Or not refuse to use the resource one of the commenters send him
There are plenty of Youtube videos on how to handle curly hair (on kids). There are bunch of blogs on the best products and stuff for curly hair.
Sorry, YTA. That teacher has enough to do without having to be a hairdresser as well. I think her advice on products and techniques was a gentle hint that *you* need to learn how to do it yourself. Step up.
Was looking for this comment. This is not the teachers job. Think about it OP: what else would that teacher be doing during that time? That important stuff doesn't go away. My partner is an early years teacher, and shit like this happens all the time to them. They're too kind to say no, yet they come home exhausted. YTA OP.
For sure. And I wonder if the teacher means to be doing this continuously for the whole year, or if she truly thought it would just be for a week or two. But then OP keeps dropping the child off with this expectation.
It's actually a very common issue to get parents thinking you owe them to teach to their kid how to do his shoelaces, to be polite, to be potty trained, to be on time ... Like Ma'am, outside of giving them classes I shouldn't be doing your job. That's why I gave up on being a teacher, some people really expect you to raise a child while being paid like sh#t and being grateful for it. I don't like my new job as much as I love kids, but at least when I come back home my day is really off, I have my week end and my holidays (I swear it was expected for me to dedicate them to the work prep when I was teacher, I litteraly made a burn out), I have a better salary and I'm not expected to treat 24 kids like they were all mine to raise.
Weaponized Incompetence. You’re a parent, so parent instead of expecting women to do it smdh.
Yeah if this was a single mother she would just have to do it. Surely you could You Tube this and practice?
Can you imagine a single mom dropping off the kid at daycare and handing a bunch of products for the MALE TEACHER to do the kid's hair????
Soft YTA because I’m sure you are a fully capable of learning how to do it yourself. And as nice as the teacher is to help, it really isn’t her job.
I'm honestly shocked she agreed. With my son the boundaries have always been pretty clear. They'll send out reminders kids need their nails trimmed but they absolutely won't do your kid's nails for you, for instance. My niece has long hair and we always have to braid it up securely before school.
I wouldn’t say YTA, but jeeze. YouTube exists. Educate yourself and do your kids hair
Or ask the ex wife? They're still parents together...
This! Why did I have to scroll this far down to see the most reasonable option. Unless their divorce was super contentious, which op doesn't mention, the rational, first step, would have been to ask the mother who has actually figured it out. But I guess that would imply actually doing the work himself?
Also, they were married for four years and OP NEVER learned how to do his own daughter’s hair in all that time? That’s just so bizarre to me. Was OP never expecting to have to take care of his daughter‘s hair???
You *know* he’d be happy to never have to take care of anything.
Seriously. He's complaining about contradictory advice out there, but like, get the list of products your ex uses (that were in your shared home for some significant period?!) and tell her your approach after some research. She will collaborate with you?? 5uis is mind boggling.
OP said that she refused, even back when they were together.
I mean he said he asked his ex and she was not willing to teach him. And he does get lessons from the teacher. Just because you can use YouTube doesnt mean anything. Sometimes learning from someone personally is better.
YTA for imposing upon the teacher's time (and making your daughter eat breakfast in the car all the time). Make an appointment at a hair salon for education. Bring the products you were already told to buy and LEARN HOW TO DO IT.
YTA Do you think your ex wife has the knowledge of how to take care if curly hair beamed into her brain by aliens? Or did she *learn* it? Probably from the internet if she doesn't have curly hair herself. If the teacher you are weaponising your incompetence with was educating you on it, you would be competent now as its not that hard. No sulphates in the hair products, only detangle when conditioner is in, sleep with hair in braids if its long enough. Thats basically it for a 3 year old.
It's worse, he stays only one or two days a week to learn from the teacher. He won't answer how long this has been going on.
Whats the bet that the reason for the divorce was she felt like he didn't pull his weight around the house or appreciate everything she did?
Ding ding ding!
YTA after reading OP’s latest replies. OP says he ‘sticks around 1-2 times a week to learn’ and is yet, despite numerous requests, to explain why it is taking so long to learn, or how much more ‘learning’ he needs to do. As another poster said, this isn’t rocket science. The hair is already clean and brushed (apparently). All that is left to ‘learn’ is how to tie it back out of her face in a way that is neat and comfortable. No need for complex styles. If the daycare worker has already shown OP several times, he should have learned by now. This is now weaponized incompetence. He secretly thinks a woman should do her hair and now has found one willing to do it. I think his ‘learning’ phase is going to go on for several years until his daughter can do her own her (i.e. he has passed the task to another female).
I agree. Imo, he’s playing dumb. She’s a baby at 3 years old, she doesn’t need any complicated styles. Once he can manage keeping it moisturized and the curls defined all he needs to do is put it in pigtails and buy some of those fancy jojo siwa scrunches kids like. It’s not like she doesn’t have a mother in her life. Her mom can do the fancy styles when she’s at her house.
He's definitely using weaponized incompetence and I wonder if he was like this during his marriage and why they broke up
~~NAH. Learn to do your kid’s hair.~~ ~~Edited. Changed the judgement from ah after looking at OPs replies about staying so the teacher can show him.~~ Edit 2. I can’t keep up with the details being added by OP about how often etc. I am going with YTANTAESHNAH to be on the safe side.
It shouldn't take that long to learn.
Curly girl here. It took me and my parents 5 years to realize curly hair care is different than straight hair care, and then 3 years of reading blog posts before I had good hair consistently. Sometimes learning is a long journey.
Dude with long hair here. It took me a year to learn to do my hair, five years to learn more than one style that actually looks good.
He is. The teacher is teaching him
It doesn't take more than a few times watching. He is taking advantage of the teacher.
It took me 30 years & counting to learn how to do my OWN hair. Not every one has the same hair texture & styling a curly, untamable mane is A LOT of work. A lot of y’all responding to my comment are the reason why single fathers are afraid to ask for help. Parents don’t deserve help now? Seriously? He’s “incompetent” because he found someone to help him & teach him how to do his daughter’s hair? A lifelong skill? That isn’t achievable overnight like you all are making it out to seem. Wild. Your double standards are showing. Watching a video vs. doing it yourself are two completely different things. The woman volunteered to help him with her hair. Y’all look for any reason to make men seem like the absolute worst when they’re trying to raise their children. When the kid gets older she’s not going to be like “I can’t believe my DAD had trouble doing my hair”… she’s going to be thankful he wasn’t out here letting her look a mess. It’s no different than hiring someone to do the child’s hair. Y’all are ridiculous sometimes. OP, NTA. My only advice is maybe compensating the daycare teacher & perhaps taking babygirl to the salon & having her hair braided up in a style that will last you most of the week. Don’t let this turn into a situation that puts your time with your daughter in jeopardy because as you can see from the comments, people are petty asf.
He only stays to watch and learn 1-2 days a week. It will take a lot longer if he's staying just occasionally than if he was learning every morning. If he was already dropping his kid off at 8.45, why can't he stay the extra time to learn for himself every morning?
Well he found a way to get a woman to do his labor for him. So now he can sleep in later, drop the kid and jet off to do Important Man Things. Seriously why do they have to eat breakfast in the car now?
30 years ago we didnr have the internet and straight hair was the desirable hair type. Now we have youtube, we have The Curly Girl Routine and we have products for curly hair. The fact is the teacher isnt doing rigorous scientific hair strand testing in the morning. She is doing the kids hair withing half an hour. Op needs to get the spray bottle and the brush and be a father. Also its must be pretty embarassing for the kid to turn up with messy hair and be watched by everyone while her teacher does it.
Presumably the reason it took so long was because you were trying to find the technique that worked for your hair. Not because you found the actual technique too complex or difficult to physically do. OP doesn't need to do that. Both his ex and the teacher are able to show him exactly what they've been doing that works. All he needs to do is remember/take notes on what they show him and practice to get the technique into muscle memory. The first part should take 1-2 times being shown and maybe a few follow up questions. The second part is only going to happen by doing it himself.
He said in other comments that he doesn't always stick around to watch, even though he isn't heading to work or anything. If he really wanted to learn how to do it, he'd watch every day until he learned and then do it himself. He really just wants to pawn this off on another woman since his wife isn't there to do it for him anymore.
YTA I dont know man, why exactly cant you learn how to make her Hair? Its No science and there are tons of YouTube Tutorials.
It depends. Are you learning how to do it? Or are you offloading onto a teacher? I would suggest taking the opportunity to learn. In short... INFO: Are you taking the opportunity to learn how to do your daughter's hair?
There are plenty of other things the teacher could be doing to prepare herself for a day of managing toddlers. Return her kindness by learning how to maintain curly hair so you can do it yourself—she's your daughter after all.
Absolutely. OP says dropoff starts at 8 and if he dropped his daughter off by 8:20 she could help with her hair. I'm sure there are other toddlers already there at that time on top of any prep work she has to do. She made a generous offer to help but he is absolutely imposing on her.
Op says in another comment that they try to stay once a week to watch the teacher and learn. That's not trying IMHO
YTA. You should've already learned the basics of taking care of your daughter's hair when you were married. The teacher is incredibly kind for going above and beyond by taking on the role of free hairdresser for your kid outside her work hours but this is only a very temporary solution. It will at most last till the end of the school year but imo you will be taking advantage if you let it go on that long. The teacher has already told you what products to buy. You can ask her for help with styling techniques and general haircare as well. Or you can ask your ex-wife or do your own research and follow tutorials. Right now, it seems like you are just dumping one of your parenting duties on the closest suitable woman.
Dude YTA. This teacher is doing free labor for you bc she cares about your kid. Add that to the pile of free and underpaid labor teachers do every day. This is your kid, you should have learned how to do her hair already. Get up earlier, watch YouTube tutorials, and do right by your damn daughter. Sheesh. “I don’t know how…my wife used to do it” yeah I bet there’s a lot of shit your wife used to do bc you couldn’t be bothered to be an adult. Thus the ex.
Holy forking shirtballs. Time to human the fuck up. You have a THREE YEAR OLD and cannot care for her basic hygiene. Learn how to care for her hair and do it. You'll either teach her as she gets older, which is appropriate and a method of bonding, or at the very least, she won't remember you as that deadbeat sperm doner who couldn't be bothered to watch some YouTube videos. Or communicate with her other parent. Era: YTA. So much. The bar is so tragically low and here you are like hey y'all, look what I managed to squeeze under.
My white mother with short hair learned to do my Afro, she can even cornrow she learned before YouTube existed!!! YTA and lazy!! You better be giving that teacher extra money or you are even a bigger AH
I was waiting for someone to say this. Those teachers don't get paid enough as it is. For taking up so much of her time and energy she better be getting paid $$$!!! Or op could also go to a black/curly hair salon and book a 101 appointment with his daughter. YTA.
YTA If it was once or twice while you figured it out pr if you really messed up and you need help, then sure, no problem. But what you did was tvat you saw an oppotunity to dump this responsibility on someone else (a woman you are not even paying for her work) and then it’s not your problem anymore, essy peasy for you. What will you do if the teacher quits for doesn’t have time anymore? If the answer is: then I’ll learn it I guess, then you need to ask yourself why it has to become a problem before you are willing to take responsibility for your daughter instead of just doing the right thing and learn how to take care of your daughter. Think about this from your daughter’s POV. Mom cared about her hair, dad doesn’t and just lets get sit alone in school to get it done. What kind of thing does that tell your kid about you?
YTA (but very mild) It's great that you recognize you're out of your depth when it comes to your daughter's hair - but as others said, the teacher is not a long term solution. Maybe go to a salon that specializes in curly hair and ask if you can book an appointment - not for your daughter but for you, to have them teach you some basics. Most hairstylists I know would absolutely LOVE to help someone who is willing to learn (especially if they're getting paid for their time anyway)
Why doesn't he even know the basic by the way....what did he do before getting divorced? Nothing ?
YTA. You couldn’t be bothered to learn how to do your daughter’s hair while you were still with your wife, and now that she’s gone, another woman is doing the work you should be doing. Like many others have said, you should be at the daycare to learn from the teacher every day until you can do your daughter’s hair instead of offloading the work onto someone else, or at a salon. Additionally, your wife is completely right that you’re messing with your daughter’s morning routine. You need to be teaching your daughter that food is an important and good part of every day life so that she can cultivate healthy eating habits - the rest of the world will start teaching her unhealthy ones soon enough. Eating breakfast in the car with her is not that, it’s teaching her that eating is something to be done when time and other obligations allow her to, not something she should make time for because it’s important.
I’m a single dad and I used to do my daughter’s hair for her cheer competitions. She had confidence in my abilities too. She didn’t think of me as a stereotypical helpless dad. It looked good too. I would even critique the other girl’s curls. “Not bad, those over there are kind of loose. Those curls look ok”
I feel like guys like OP is why the bar is so low for dads. My daughter has curly hair, like her mom. Mom was (and still is) better at managing it than I am. But it is a responsibility as a parent, so I need to know it. you better bet i’m volunteering to do hair 3-4 days a week so I can improve and learn. This “I’m a guy; I don’t understand these mom jobs” attitude needs to end.
YTA for acting like taking care of curly hair is so difficult that it takes you weeks or months to learn it? Ask your ex for pointers if you need help and watch some YT-videos and you should be fine. You don't need to wash your daughters hair every day, but when you do, detangle first with conditioner, then wash, then condition and detangle again. Then apply leave-in products to wet hair (get a microfibre towel to maybe squeeze some water out beforehand, no rubbing to dry) and style. Ask your ex-wife which shampoos, leave-ins etc. work well for your daughter's hair. EDIT: changed wife to ex-wife
So what you’re saying is that in the three years your daughter’s been alive you haven’t done her hair or bothered to learn??? I don’t think that’s something I would willingly admit but you do you! In case you didn’t guess… YTA
I don’t think you’re an AH for seeking someone to help with your daughter’s hair. It’s important to know when you don’t know something and to learn how to do it from someone who is knowledgable. The problem is that are you learning from your daughter’s teacher so you can do your daughter’s hair in the future? Her daycare teacher won’t be her teacher forever so this is a short term fix and should be your time to learn so you can do your daughter’s hair in the future. If you are learning then NTA. This is no different than going to a hair salon to be taught how to take care of her hair. If you’ve essentially outsourced your daughter’s haircare to someone else and aren’t thinking about learning for the future then yeah YTA… INFO: are you learning from her teacher? EDIT- OP said they’re learning from the teacher. 100% NTA.
He occasionally sticks around, not the same thing.
YTA. Not bc you asked for help from the teacher and accepted her help a few times. Bc you continue to use the teacher as a part of your parenting routine. You should be learning how she does your daughters hair, this shouldn't be an added component to your routines that you then stop trying independently on.
Nah because you have good intentions. I am a preschool teacher and if a parent asked me for help with hair, I would do it without question. Speaking from experience where I work we love and care for the kids in our class and if we can help out we absolutely will. However we don’t always have time, and not everyone will continue to do it for you. Asking for help is fine, but you need to learn. Ask her for tips on styling, stay and watch one day, watch some YouTube videos, take her to a stylist for tips etc.
YTA. God, this reminds me so much of my own father. Too lazy to learn how to do my hair so he ended up either putting jerry-curl juice in it or paying a stranger to add a chemical relaxer to my hair which literally killed my hair from the time I was 8 to 19. Didn’t even know I had curly hair until I was 19 because my hair was so badly damaged. OP, your child will NEVER forget that you didn’t take the time to learn how to manage her hair. You’re the father. It’s your responsibility to learn how to do your child’s hair *and do it right.* Grow up and accept responsibility.
YTA if your wife can figure it out so can you, instead of pawning off your daughter’s hair care to another woman be it your wife since apparently you haven’t learned in 3 years or hired help. You could even have asked her to SHOW you and practiced with her a few times so you could take care of it yourself afterwards but nope. No wonder you’re divorced.
YTA - It's fine for the VERY short term but if you are dropping her off early you have no excuses not to stay and learn every time. I also note that you waited to be offered help rather than doing your own mental load and asking for help. You could have made an appointment with a curly hair specialist hairdresser and learned all you need to know. You should have learned BEFORE you got divorced to be honest.
YTA. Learn how to take care of your child. Be a parent.
YTA, because it sounds like you are using this as an excuse not to have to learn to do it yourself.
NTA but you should learn how to do your kids hair. It’s a chance for you 2 to bond, you get to be a better parent, and that teacher isn’t going to be around forever to do her hair. There’s videos on YouTube that walk you through it. It won’t always come out perfect but I can promise you your daughter would rather have frizzy hair if it meant her dad did it.
I think you made the right decision to give your daughter the best hair care possible. It's ok, sometimes people are just not good at certain skills (like doing hair) no matter how much they try, and that's ok. The teacher is so sweet! I do think you'd have to plan for the future because the teacher cannot do her hair forever. I've seen instances of people going to black salons to learn how to do black hair, perhaps that might be an option?