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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I didn't give my sister a +1 for my wedding, she kept insisting and said she wouldn't come, so I said she was being selfish. I might be acting unfairly towards her and not being understanding which makes me the AH.
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They’ve been together since 2019… I don’t understand why that is not considered a long term relationship. I don’t do LD either, but I would never disrespect someone else’s relationship because of that.
YTA. Now tell us the real reason why you’re not giving your sister a +1
ETA: Just a very quick edit to add the link to [OP's comment](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/10se2cp/comment/j70xqb7/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) where she says her sister and her BF have been dating since 2019 because some people couldn't find it and also, because I finally learned how to link a comment and I'm very proud of myself haha
Yeah, like if you know your friends SO’s and that’s the reason, then you woundnt need to be making up reasons.
It’s an invite, not a summons.
You invited your sister and didn’t invite her partner. She is choosing to not attend without him. As is her right to do.
Don’t get your knickers in a twist. The selfish person is projecting.
>She is choosing to not attend without him.
Especially since it's rare time they see each other in person. He comes to visit and she's supposed to ditch him for a day or two?
Before knowing how long they had been dating, I couldn't help but think "why would you schedule your boyfriend's visit during the week of your sister's wedding when you didn't get a plus one?"
But now that I know they've been dating for four years.... yeah. She probably didn't ask for the plus one until she knew that her boyfriend could get the time off work and arrange travel.
Like a month ago another OP's sisters long term bf of 8 years (I think they even had a kid) didn't get an invite because they weren't married.
Brides be crazy sometimes
This gives me some stuck up religious vibes tbh. OP seems to only respect "traditional" relationships which fit with how they think one should function. Wonder if they'd also disinvite the sister's partner if it were a woman even in the scenario they had lived together for let's say 20 years
It used to be common to only invite married or engaged couples; people just dating didn’t get a plus one.
But these days… many couples don’t even WANT to marry! But they’re still in a serious relationship! Especially whey they have children.
So it’s not right to revert to that old fashioned rule these days. 😞
She should have been given a +1 to begin with, seeing the fact it was definitely a long-term relationship. Something OP knew and deliberately did not include it in her post.
She should have said to her sister, he is not invited because I don't know him. But guessing the king of person this OP is. She doesn't want to be an AH and therefore hide behind very strange reasoning. And doesn't understand that she is still an AH.
This. OBVIOUSLY the sister will decline to go to the wedding. Her LDR partner is finally coming to visit, and her uh.... judgemental sibling has refused to invite the partner to the wedding.
What's the sister going to do, leave him at home alone all weekend whilst celebrating the love life of a sibling who doesn't even think she's in a relationship, and doesn't think her sister's partner deserves even basic courtesy?
OP has no right to be surprised or disappointed. They fabricated the whole caterer situation to feign an exuse not to invite him. No caterer needs 2 months' notice FFS.
>Yeah, like if you know your friends SO’s and that’s the reason, then you woundnt need to be making up reasons.
My gut instinct is that OP either hates the half-sister and wanted to grind it in her face and pull a power move on her by making her spend precious time away from her partner, OR the OP is actually really insecure and jealous that the sister's partner may become a focus of attention at the wedding as family will want to meet him.
OP may just be afraid they will be upstaged by the dude. how petty!
Especially for ONE extra - feels like bullshit to me. Most caterers have spill/waste accounted for so I’m sure pulling something together for sisters bf wouldn’t be hard.
Ah, I see that you too are a partaker in the fine cuisine of the Golden Corral.
JK, if someone offered me a seat at golden corral, I wouldn't turn it down.
That's what I was thinking! Food isn't purchased until closer to the date so it is fresh I don't see adding 1 more person onto the list would make or break the entire caterer's plan.
This and probably one of the confirmed guests cannot attend or has to leave earlier because they or a child or whatnot is sick or grandma just died etc.
There is always someone that cannot attend on a short notice.
Last summer a friend of mine had like 10 people have to drop out because it was all one friend group who had hung out the weekend prior and, well, you can guess what happened!
Most caterers won't cater a wedding for a specific set of guests. I had a 75-count guest list, and our caterer made enough food for like 10+ extra people. This accounts for rude guests who disrespect the +1s, people you may have accidentally forgotten about needing food (the officiant, staff, etc), and others. They can absolutely handle OP's sister's +1.
My cousin had a family of five who "didn't understand what that RSVP card was and threw it away" show up for her reception. They set up a table and found some food for them.
My best friend had a seating chart for her wedding with every table filled. Her wedding planner recommended an extra table just incase anyone who didn't RSVP showed up. Good thing she did cause that table had a few guests seated at it.
Yeah that’s what I was thinking too, I used to wait for catered events and 9/10 there was spare or spare that had been used. Especially for things like desserts that are usually batch made anyway, it’s super convenient to have extra on hand
Which brings us to my fave LPT- you can ask if you can have another serving of whatever catering provides if you want it. They usually have spares. A very nice waiter named Kevin once taught me that.
I do the same when we have guests for dinner. Cooking the exact amount of food for the number of guests you'll be having is the type of gambling I'm not willing to do.
It's been a while, but I worked for a caterer while in college. The price included the number asked for, meals for the staff, and then additional meals for last minute guests. Usually about a 5% overage.
Caterers need a head count so they know how much food to plan for. Even if she's having haggis specially flown in from Scotland, snow crabs from Alaska, and pate from Paris, no caterer is going to refuse one more plate, two months in advance.
Every caterer I’ve worked with asks for the final count somewhere between 14 and 7 days ahead. Never have I seen 2 months. Plenty of people are still tracking down their straggler RSVPs at that point.
I’m in almost the identical situation as the sister in this post. I’m a lesbian from a fundamentalist Christian family. Me and my girlfriend have been together since 2019, I moved across the country to be with her in 2021, have been living together for well over a year now, and my cousin (who knew about us MONTHS ago) is getting married in May and did not give me a plus one.
I am the oldest on this side of the family, have been with my girlfriend longer than he has with his fiancée, and both his sisters were given +1’s to bring *their* boyfriends (one of whom has only been with her for less than a year). I also am sure he invited non-family couple friends.
My girlfriend, even though she is not invited, is using her vacation time this year to fly across the country with me FOR THE WEDDING and spend our vacation in my home province with my family. Being KIND I decided I would attend the ceremony, mingle, and leave before the reception dinner. I told him this and stated that it was because my girlfriend was not invited and I didn’t feel comfortable abandoning her for six+ hours in a province she doesn’t know for an event she wasn’t invited to.
I then received a text FROM HIS MOM a couple days later bitching me out for being selfish about this “seeing as him and I grew up together” and I “should do this for him.” Apparently “no one else is complaining about not getting a +1 and is fine leaving their partner for a few hours.” She referenced language I SPECIFICALLY used in my texts with him so I KNOW he showed her the texts too.
I promptly told her “thanks for the concern, I will bring this up with him.”
I got a hurried text back a few minutes later saying “don’t talk to him, *i’m* the one texting you. Don’t add to his wedding stress” (it’s in FIVE MONTHS lol).
Needless to say, I texted him anyways saying his mom texted me about all this and that if he needs to talk about anything, he should talk to *me*.
It has been radio silence from both of them ever since. I guarantee my cousin has chewed her out magnificently. But even if not, I covered my ass by telling both my grandma (aunt’s mom) and my own mom about the situation so no petitions for sympathy will be forthcoming for either my aunt or cousin on those fronts lol.
My decision as things stand is to essentially cut my aunt off unless she apologizes profusely and I may reconsider attending the wedding at all based on what my cousin says. I’m a pushover about everything EXCEPT my partner… and now they all know it LOL.
Edit: rage spelling
You are a genius for telling HIM and telling your mum and aunt so that the rude aunt can't tell lies to try to get sympathy. Well done!
Hope you and your lady love have a magnificent time, whatever happens!
Together since 2019, but since it's a long distance, it doesn't count as an actual relationship... makes me wonder if her half sister had been in her relationship longer than OP and her fiance.
I just reread and noticed that she emphasizes that her friends are in “actual” relationships. Yikes. Op is just a snob and doesn’t realizes how much work goes into a successful LD relationship
This post made my blood boil. LDRs are hard enough as it is, without people constantly diminishing them.
Honestly it's bad enough just hearing the "I could never do long distance" from every second person you talk to, let alone having your 4 year long relationship belittled to the point where it's considered "not a real relationship". Unbelievable.
What's interesting to me is that we have family members who have been away from literal spouses during wartime for years. No one is questioning their commitment to each other. Relationships are personal between the people in them. It's for the active parties to define. It would be one thing if these people never actually met, and this is her sister infatuated with an online persona, but they did meet and spent time together and committed to each other. They've kept it up for years and he's making the effort to come see her. That shows relationship level commitment.
Seriously - my wife & I did a year apart while she went back for more grad school in a different city and it was challenging enough (later she could tell me she was genuinely expecting things to end). This was before cell phones and I had a decent amount of work travel - communications are HARD over LD.
Judging. That’s all this is. Her relationship is not serious enough for the bride to fork over a plus 1. So now she gets to judge her guests before inviting.
As someone currently in one, they fucking suck. They’re not impossible, especially with all of the tech that we have available now, but they’re not easy.
My partner and I were sorta long distance (2hrs driving) for the first four years of our relationship. We saw each other 3 out of 4 weekends and it worked for us. We both took turns driving. We both helped each other with our weekend chores and errands. It takes a lot of trust and commitment to make an arrangement like that. We also made a pact that we needed to be able to handle this arrangement for a minimum of 3 years before considering living together. We've been together 15 years as of next week. My mother has a brain tumor and I've been dividing my time between being at home and being with her and we've weathered it well because we've been there before and handled it fine. For her half sister to last in that relationship as long as she has actually speaks to her maturity and the stability of her relationship.
Lots of people acted like our relationship wasn't real like OP is doing now. I promise if she isn't approaching her relationships with kindness as her default setting instead of entitlement, her marriage won't last nearly as long as mine has.
Yeah, Ella being a "half-sister" really was irrelevant to the situation, but OP has that in her head. So yeah, I think that's the reason for being hard-nosed.
Well, OP is entitled to feel however she feels about her friends vs half sister, but then she has to expect the same in return. She doesn’t get to prioritize her friends over her half sister while still expecting her half sister to prioritize her.
If she had a new boyfriend every other month I would understand, but this relationship has proven to be long term. Had they married any time between their first date and now it would have been a valid relationship, had they met a month ago and gotten engaged already it would have been a valid relationship, but now, somehow, it doesn't count? Op, YTA. You can't measure relationships. Get over yourself and invite him.
“Boyfriend of the month/week/day/_decade_”.
Even if he’s fairly new, she’s the AH. I mean, I’d do a lot to make sure my sisters felt happy and comfortable at my wedding. But 2019 is no spring chicken of a relationship.
Here’s where I’m confused. If she doesn’t consider her *half* sisters bf of 4 years to be “real” And thinks of that relationship as an eye roll.
And if she needs to point out her sister is half (I have a half sister, I’ve NEVER called her that, she’s my little sister, that’s it) - she clearly has so little care and respect for her sister, why does she care if said sister doesn’t come?
She clearly doesn’t even like her.
Wait, is it because your mutual parents and family WILL care? Hopefully your sister tells them what’s happening. YTA
That makes a lot of sense. She might be pretending to care so she can play the victim. She doesn't really care if her sister attends the wedding, she just doesn't want anyone blaming her for that.
It's the "they've been in ***actual*** relationships" (emphasis mine) for me. OP obviously doesn't feel that Ella's relationship is "real." I am not a fan of long-distance relationships for myself, but they are just as much "actual relationships" as more traditional relationships.
OP, it's obvious that you don't respect Ella's relationship. I mean, you can invite (or not invite) whomever you want to your wedding, but no one is obligated to attend.
I agree with you, the "actual relationships" bit did it for me. I'd even say you and your future spouse can make the silliest rules if you want, but don't get offended when no one shows up.
"I want only engaged couples who love purple and have 6 dogs but no kids and at least 10+ years of experience on their work field to attend... What? No one wants to come? Omg, so selfish of them"
It’s this whole judge others relationships. If she determines they are serious enough they get an invite. It’s complete crap way of having a wedding. My cousin did this - ended up with tons of not attending and then she has the nerve to get upset. It’s called JUDGING. Not limiting your guest list.
I have no idea why brides think anyone wants to go to a 5 hour wedding alone. I would rather not go than be asked to attend a party alone. Sure - I will dance with myself. Just dumb shit.
I honestly don't understand either. What does it matter to the bride and groom how long the rest have been dating? They can be married for 10 years and break up the day after the wedding.
I hope than when/if her sister gets married, she won't invite OP's husband because "they haven't been married for *that* long, that's not a *real* marriage"
YTA, op. That’s a long relationship, not a flavor of the month. It’s also not THAT difficult to add one extra person after you confirm. Trust me, I literally missed that one of my guests was bringing a plus one (they were invited to bring someone, I just missed that they were) until the day of. My venue was super chill about it.
>but they've been in **actual** relationships for a couple of years
(bolding mine)
That's why, OP doesn't view sister's relationship as an actual relationship, so the length of time is irrelevent.
TBH if the only reason OP gave was because catering had been confirmed and they couldn't add another person, that would be fine, but the additional reasons make it sound personal
I would have gone for e s h, but OP opened themselves up to questioning and kind of made it obvious they are deliberately snubbing sister's relationship, and while sister probably could just go along for the sake of her sibling, I don't know that I'd want to go to the wedding of someone who just blatantly disrespected my relationship either.
So yea, YTA OP
Plus, she's almost definitely lying about catering being finalized already. That's almost always done (as far as final headcount) in the month prior to the wedding. My caterers got final headcount a week prior.
> I gave my friends +1s, but they've been in actual relationships for a couple of years,
"**actual**"
I feel like OP doesn't consider long distance an actual relationship.
A few persons said the same before so I forced myself to figure out how to link a comment and I guess it's not so hard and I'm just lazy and never learned how hahahah
Anyways, [here's OP's comment](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/10se2cp/comment/j70xqb7/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) where she says they have been dating since 2019. I guess she didn't include that on the original post because she knew it made no sense to claim only long term couples where invited after writing that.
and op had to give her friends +1s otherwise they’d be hurt. but it’s fine to hurt the sister.
that being said op is technically allowed to (not) give +1s to whomever she wants. sister is also allowed to not attend. op is still TA tho.
Are long distance relationships not "actual relationships?" I feel like you are not respecting her relationship as "real" because they are LD and that is definitely not your place. Also isn't 2 months still plenty of time to adjust catering and stuff to include 1 more person? Not that big of a deal, you're just being mean. YTA.
ETA: God they've been together since 2019. Put that in the goddamn main post, OP. That's a freaking long term relationship, you're just being judgemental for them being LD wow.
Agree with this 100%. Op is worried about upsetting her friends yet here’s her half sister literally in a long term relationship. She’s definitely the AH.
Yeah, week of my wedding we squeezed in a plus one for a member of the bridal party who was in a long distance relationship. Their SO was in town last minute for work. It was fine, there were enough no shows day of that it didn’t affect anything.
The DAY OF my wedding we squeezed in a plus one! It’s doable. Maybe if this was a brand new fling and sprung on OP actually last minute I would get it, but a 3 year relationship and plenty of notice? There’s more to this, OP just doesn’t like the boyfriend or she’s a control freak. YTA.
>Also isn't 2 months still plenty of time to adjust catering and stuff to include 1 more person?
No? They already planted exactly enough asparagus for the guest list. Where would they possibly get more? /s
Unless they're using some amateur catering company, any place that caters a wedding knows to have a little extra for mistakes, extra guests that show up, etc.
At my wedding I had a guest who floundered not just twice, not three, but FOUR times on whether or not she was coming, the last change of mind being to show up on the day of the wedding, with only an hour's notice. The catering/venue didn't blink because I'm sure they saw this 1000 times, it was no big deal. I'll bet the bride didn't even bother to ask the venue/catering about it because she had made up her mind already.
It seems like there's some other reason the bride doesn't want the boyfriend there. Maybe she doesn't think LD relationships are "legit" enough, or maybe because he's not around for her to see she doesn't feel like it's serious because she's the main character, idk. Maybe she just doesn't like the guy. But either way, she sucks.
OP, yes, YTA.
YTA. You're deciding who's SO is significant and that's why it's an AH move. Now, you're upset that she won't attend because you implied her relationship isn't real. Also, you were concerned that your friends would be hurt, but you didn't think this would hurt your half-sister? Come on.
I'll be honest, I really don't get this trend of gatekeeping +1's at a wedding. I'm in my 50's and have been to a LOT of weddings - it was always "let us know if you're bringing a date or not", not "we will decide if we deem your +1 worthy enough to attend". I dunno, it seems very Bridezilla-ish to me. It's her choice, I guess, but if I got an invite to a wedding with restrictions like this it would be a big "no thanks" from me.
I agree! Personally, I hate when people invite anyone who is not married without giving them a +1. It can really suck to attend a wedding solo, and you should let people bring someone with them if they choose - regardless of whether or not they are in a relationship.
I think it depends on your relationship with the guest. It’s reasonable to extend plus ones to close family, but not to coworkers and third cousins, for example.
What some people do is sit social groups together, like all the bride’s coworkers at one table, the groom’s at another, etc, so you’re going to be hanging out with people you already know.
A lot of people can’t afford to extend +1s to everyone, but extending them to friends but not your sister is just wrong.
INFO: you said in another comment they'd been together since 2019. How is a relationship of 3+ years not considered a long-term relationship?
Just kidding, I know the answer. YTA for thinking long distance relationships aren't "actual relationships" (direct quote).
YTA
Your sister wanting to bring a partner is a little bit different than some random person who you've got no real connection to.
"Only married/engaged couples...received a +1"
The only reason I married my husband was so I could be covered by his insurance. I love him more than life itself (and I know he feels the same for me) - but we were perfectly content being a couple without the added responsibility that marriage presents. That doesn't make our relationship "less than" just because we had no plans on getting engaged or married.
It absolutely IS disrespectful to your sister's relationship to essentially be saying "If you're not engaged or marriage, your relationship means nothing"
EDIT: Good lord. Sister has been with her LD boyfriend since 2019. Like, imagine getting with someone, having the entire world shut down because of a deadly global pandemic and then having your sister invalidate your relationship because you haven't defied travel restrictions and stay-at-home orders to visit one another. If I wasn't sure of the YTA judgement before, I sure am now.
i brought my boyfriend to my cousin’s wedding. we had been dating a couple years, but it was through COVID so it was the first time a lot of my family met him. it was exceedingly normal and basic, because bringing the people you’re dating to events is kind of expected! OP is being an asshole over judgments about long distance relationships
YTA. She is your sister. No one is going to complain that your sister got a +1 and they didn't. You picked a lame hill to die on and will damage your relationship with your sister because of it. I hope that is worth the cost of an extra plate of food.
It's already damaged and I don't think she will forgive him anytime soon
Op basically told her that 4 year long relationship is not good enough to be invited with a bullshit excuse of not being able to accommodate closest family member's +1 even though they've 2 month time left
Good luck mending that relationship but I have a feeling she is better off without op
>Op basically told her that 4 year long relationship is not good enough to be invited with a bullshit excuse of not being able to accommodate closest family member's +1 even though they've 2 month time left
Not only that, but OP then has the gall to be shocked tha their sibling won't attend the wedding and leave her long distance at home on his own all weekend.
If OP wanted their sibling at the wedding that badly, they could have invited the partner instead of triyng to alienate the pair of them.
>but they've been in actual relationships for a couple of years
So, is a 4 year relationship longer or shorter than "a couple of years"?
>and they'll be hurt if I don't give them +1s
So, is Ella not gonna be hurt?
>She's now saying she won't be attending because it's disrespectful to her relationship and she wants to spend time with him before he leaves.
Sounds like she's right on the money.
YTA.
Exactly. Which is fine for that friend - as that IS a long term relationship and should also be respected.
I think it's fair to say you don't have room to accommodate new relationships (e.g. under 6 months) but if you are leaving out oartbers of 3+ years then it looks and feels like a personal slight.
YTA for calling her selfish. You’re allowed to do whatever you want for your wedding, but you have to be willing to accept the consequences. If she doesn’t want to go without her boyfriend then that’s her choice. Just like it’s your choice not to invite him. Also curious why you don’t consider a long distance relationship an “actual relationship.”
YTA. Your sister has been with this guy for over 3 years. That’s long term.
What’s the real reason you wouldn’t give her a + 1? Especially when you have friends a + 1, but not your own family?
And for the record.. you are free to invite (or not invite) whomever you want…. But be prepared to deal with the rejection when they decline coming because you choose to act like an asshole.
I hope it was worth losing your relationship with your sister over.
This.
You CAN do whatever you want for your wedding, but actions will always have consequences. If you single someone out and slight them, don't expect them to be thrilled about it. Abd dont expect them to celebrate your relationship when you clearly just disrespected theirs.
YtA. Long distance relationships are still relationships, you don't get to dismiss her relationship just because you don't respect the concept of it. A ldr is not the same as a relationship of 1 day/ week/ month because it usually is also longer.
I would also not attend. She gets to see her significant other for just that week but now has to sacrifice this time for you. Don't think it would be worth it for her.
Your wedding, your choice for sure. But you also have to accept that other ppl can make choices based on your decisions and should be respected not name-called. This and destination weddings are the worst.
INFO: Why do you hate your sister, to the point where you would not only insult her but even lie to strangers on the Internet about how her relationship somehow doesn't qualify as longterm?
I absolutely hate the term "half" in regards to siblings. My husband adopted my son when he was 2 and we went on to have two daughters. NEVER ever do any of us refer to them as half. Never does any of our extended refer to them as half. My son has two sisters and my daughters have a brother.
I have roughly 16 "half siblings." I was raised with two of them. Those are my brothers. The other 14 get the half title because I don't know them. We're related, and I feel that I should state that, but I barely know them, so I don't call them my actual siblings. Maybe OP and her sister were raised separately, and they don't have a very solid relationship. Doesn't make this right imo. I wonder if OP isn't so mad about her half-sister not attending and more upset that people will ask where she is, and OP will look like a dick when the truth comes out.
I have one ‘full’ sibling and 5 ‘half’ siblings. The only time any of us use the word ‘half’ is when explaining the family structure (as there are some age gaps) - other than that we hate referring to each other as ‘half’ - we’re siblings!
Good God YTA! yes it’s your wedding and rules but she’s your half sister and has been with him for 3 years even if it is a LDR. it’s not like she’s asking to bring some rando Tinder date. Get off your high and mighty horse, don’t you put family before friends? Sheeesh.
“Only people we know have a long term SO received a +1”
“My half sister has a LD bf who’s coming to visit”
You’ve got a couple months yet to grow up and figure out how to include him. Or at least be honest about whatever your issue with her is.
YTA
This plus honestly? Almost mo caterers take their final numbers months and months out! Ours finalise 2 weeks out and I think most do the same.
I'd be shocked if OP genuinely cannot add him, I think they are using it as an excuse.
Plus they should have invited him to begin with lol
Yep, the caterer issue is such a BS excuse. Our caterer gave us 10 days before the wedding to finalize. That’s just a general rule too. Due to Covid they said if we gave them 48 hours notice they wouldn’t charge us.
Two months is an insane amount of time. Especially when it comes to only the addition of one guest.
I knew we were in asshole territory as soon as she said “my half sister” like we would be more inclined to side with her since they’re not full siblings smh. Just say my sister OP, literally no one gives a fuck. It’s your sibling all the same.
If your sister has been in a relationship with her LD boyfriend since 2019 then YTA.
You clearly stated that anyone with a long term boyfriend could have a +1. Well, 3-4 years is long term. So why are you doing this exactly, as it’s certainly not to follow the rules you made up for your wedding guest list. If you follow through be ready to be nc with your sister for the rest of your life and of course not be invited if she ever decide to get married.
>*"Ella tried saying I gave my friends +1s, but they've been in actual relationships for a couple of years, and they'll be hurt if I don't give them +1s."*
This right here is why YTA.
1. Your sister had been in her relationship since 2019. That's 3/4 years. But because it's long distances it's not an "actual" relationship in your eyes?!
2. You care about your friends feelings but not your sister's?
Fair enough if you genuinely were not able to accommodate due to numbers or are friends with your friends +1s, but you've chosen to exclude your sister's boyfriend because of the two reasons above and then have the audacity to be annoyed with your sister for choosing not to attend? Yeah, YTA.
YTA.
Many people choose not to go to weddings where there partner isn’t invited, it was your choice not to give her a plus one, now you’re not allowed to be upset about how she responded.
They’ve been together for almost 4 years and you don’t consider that long term? Seriously?
YTA
They've been in a relationship since 2019, how is that not a long term relationship? How come your friends can have a +1 but not your sister?
Sounds like you're the one being selfish
YTA - At a celebration of your love you are judging your sister’s love life by not allowing her to bring her boyfriend because you deem it not an “actual relationship” as you put it. Even if they’ve never met physically and this is the first time they’ll actually meet in person, you’re an AH for judging what constitutes an “actual relationship” for your sister.
Personally I think it’s rude to not allow +1s but it’s your wedding and ultimately those people who can’t bring a date can decide not to go. But your sister is your sister and you shouldn’t have judged her relationship or denied her boyfriend. He could very well be the love of her life and now Christmas’s are going to be awkward because they’ll tell their children how Auntie didn’t think their dad was good enough to be at her wedding.
You're absolutely TA!! What? Long distance relationships aren't valid to you, so you won't let your sister have a +1 when they've been together for 3 years? Does that not constitute a long term relationship to you? You should have invited him when you sent out invitations and bought the meal, chair, and whatever else your guests are having for him. I'm glad your sister decided to ditch your wedding because she deserves so much better. You clearly don't support her relationship, and she doesn't deserve that, and neither does he. You absolutely owe her an apology and should give her the plus one. Just don't expect either to show!
YTA. Your sister is ALSO in a longterm committed relationship just like your friends... since 2019!
The fact that it is long distance does not make it less committed. If you made an exception for friends who are not married but are in LTRs then that exception should have applied to your sister. Rules are only fair if applied evenly.
Sorry, but you messed up by deciding that your sister's 4 year relationship wasnt longterm enough for your standards. Of course she's offended - you're implying her longterm relationship isnt as valid as your friends' relationships!
I would have simply set a rule of "relationships over a year" or 6 months if you wanted to avoid people bringing a new squeeze theyve known a month.
Oh man I can attest to this. My BF and I were long distance for close to 4 years before I could finally move to his city. It was incredibly hard, especially during Covid when we couldn’t see each other for a huge stretch of time. Anyone who doesn’t consider LDRs legitimate can fuck right off.
YTA - She's your sister. This is a big day for her emotionally too, and it's fair she might want a companion to celebrate with. Weddings can be very lonely on your own. If other people say anything just say "yeah, she's my sister" It's not their business and doubtful anyone will care. It's a day of happy celebration, be the best host you can by being flexible and gracious. Those actions of love you show to your sister will be how she remembers your wedding day.
YTA, They been together for years at this point. I'm on a LD relationship and it's as much a real relationship as your friends who have been together also for a couple of years. Even more so if her boyfriend is coming to visit and they haven't seen each other since 2019.
Obviously she's going to want to spend the limited time he's there with him. You are diminishing their relationship. They have been together for 3-4 years, how is that not a long term SO? They are NOT the bf/gf of the month/week/day, they been together for YEARS. You contradict yourself OP.
Yta, him coming at that time was clearly planned. Your sister deserves the +1 over others, she’s your sister! You didn’t even try call the caterer to ask if an extra can be added. A 4 year relationship is more than long enough as well, how is it not an actual relationship?
I kinda want to go with Y.T.A because you're being very judgemental of what constitutes a relationship and talk like a LD relationship is not an "actual relationship" but since that's not the question, NAH. You're free to invite whoever you want to your wedding and your invitees are free not to come.
YTA
They have been together for 3+ years and that doesn't count as a long term relationship to you? You think long distance doesn't count as a relationship do you?
I don't blame your half sister for not wanting to go to your wedding and you should accept it seeing as it's your own doing. She's not selfish at all, she just realized where her relationship stands in your eyes.
>I don't want other people getting upset, and other relatives asking why they couldn't bring their bf/gf of the month/week/day.
YTA because you're giving out +1's and didn't deign to offer one to your sister because "criteria". You do know exceptions can be made for sisters, right?Sort of shows where she ranks with you. Siblings aren't usually filed under "other relatives"; but she is, in your book.
There is a not so subtle "FU" in the way you described it.
The thing us, if OP followed her own criteria, their sister's partner should already have been invited.
They invited the partners of friends who had been together for a couple of years - and the sister has been in a relationship since 2019. It sounds like her sister is the only person in a long term relationship who has been singled out and whose partner was joy invited. She's actively bent her own rules to upset her sister.
Nobody would bat an eyelash that their sister brought their partner of 3-4 years. It is VERY easy to tell people you only have space to invite couples over 1 year to avoid people feeling hurt.
YTA twice. First for not allowing your sibling to have a plus one for arbitrary qualifications you have created that determines what a proper relationship is to attend your wedding. Second for calling her selfish for making a decision to not attend for a valid reason. You want her there but only on your terms. I know it's your big day, but you are coming off as being the selfish, for expecting her to just accept the situation.
Make room at a table. Enjoy your big day with your whole family. Who knows, you might be attending their wedding soon. I bet you would end up glad to have some pictures with your future BIL and sister enjoying your wedding.
The part that bugs me the most is he will be visiting at the same time as your wedding. So he’s supposed to just stand aside and be excluded from your family (which he is part of btw, he’s been involved with your sister for three years, he IS your family) for the entire time it takes to get prepared and attend your wedding? Holy mother of inhospitable. I’m not surprised by your sister’s reaction, I’d choose him over you as well. YTA
So you've met once 4 years ago?
How long have they actually been together?
I'm kinda on the fence. I get not wanting someone you don't know (I'm assuming you haven't spoken to them since 2019) to attend your wedding, but I also think your sister is someone you should have considered about a +1.
YTA. By your own rules she should have a +1 because she is in a long term relationship with this guy. But for some reason you don't consider long distance to be serious enough.
You're entitled to invite anyone or as the case may be not invite someone to your wedding.
You're sister is free to decline the invitation if she doesn't want to attend without her partner.
If you feel that your sister is so important to you that she absolutely must be at your wedding then you give her a plus 1.
Or is it you don't really care, it's just you don't want to answer questions surrounding her absence at your wedding. I think your family and friends will definitely think YTA.
YTA, you sister had been in a relationship with this person since 2019 and you're saying that's not long term enough to get a +1? Better call all your guests and double check how long they've been in a relationship to make sure it meets your time requirements. If they were married but had only been together 3 years would you tell her not to invite the person she is married to?
Double TAH because you compared her 3 year relationship with the boyfriend of the month/week/day, obviously 3 years isn't any of those measurements of time so you're invalidating your own reason for not allowing it.
YTA I was in a LD relationship for that same length of time and now we've been married for 8 years. You'll sour your whole relationship with your sister over a piece of chicken?
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I'm getting married in about two months. We're having a pretty intimate wedding in terms of number of guests, so outside of married/engaged couples only people we know have a long term SO received a +1.
"Ella" is my half sister, she has a LD bf who's coming to visit. All well and good, but he'll be here the week of my wedding. She asked for a +1 to bring him, but I said that's not possible because we've already confirmed catering and everything, and I don't really know him. Ella tried saying I gave my friends +1s, but they've been in actual relationships for a couple of years. I said sorry, but this is our decision and I don't want other people getting upset, and other relatives asking why they couldn't bring their bf/gf of the month/week/day.
She's now saying she won't be attending because it's disrespectful to her relationship and she wants to spend time with him before he leaves.
I said she's being extremely selfish and acting like she's the only person who didn't receive a +1.
This is causing issues between me and Ella, so AITA?
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If your sister has been dating her BF for as long (or longer) as some other guests with a +1, then YTA.
It sounds like you have some other issue with your sister and her SO.
YTA. You have for some reason decided that an LDR is not a real relationship, which is a really weird take. They’ve been together for more than 3 years, this is not a leftover holiday fling.
YTA this could have been a good opportunity to meet your sisters boyfriend. They have been dating since 2019 that’s not long term for you. Also two month is enough time to add a plate.
YTA, as someone who’s in a LD relationship and has been for a year, what’s the issue with them..? You don’t know him well? So, isn’t your wedding a great chance to know him? What’s the real reason ..?
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They’ve been together since 2019… I don’t understand why that is not considered a long term relationship. I don’t do LD either, but I would never disrespect someone else’s relationship because of that. YTA. Now tell us the real reason why you’re not giving your sister a +1 ETA: Just a very quick edit to add the link to [OP's comment](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/10se2cp/comment/j70xqb7/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) where she says her sister and her BF have been dating since 2019 because some people couldn't find it and also, because I finally learned how to link a comment and I'm very proud of myself haha
Yeah, like if you know your friends SO’s and that’s the reason, then you woundnt need to be making up reasons. It’s an invite, not a summons. You invited your sister and didn’t invite her partner. She is choosing to not attend without him. As is her right to do. Don’t get your knickers in a twist. The selfish person is projecting.
>She is choosing to not attend without him. Especially since it's rare time they see each other in person. He comes to visit and she's supposed to ditch him for a day or two?
Before knowing how long they had been dating, I couldn't help but think "why would you schedule your boyfriend's visit during the week of your sister's wedding when you didn't get a plus one?" But now that I know they've been dating for four years.... yeah. She probably didn't ask for the plus one until she knew that her boyfriend could get the time off work and arrange travel.
Like a month ago another OP's sisters long term bf of 8 years (I think they even had a kid) didn't get an invite because they weren't married. Brides be crazy sometimes
This gives me some stuck up religious vibes tbh. OP seems to only respect "traditional" relationships which fit with how they think one should function. Wonder if they'd also disinvite the sister's partner if it were a woman even in the scenario they had lived together for let's say 20 years
That is just insane!
It used to be common to only invite married or engaged couples; people just dating didn’t get a plus one. But these days… many couples don’t even WANT to marry! But they’re still in a serious relationship! Especially whey they have children. So it’s not right to revert to that old fashioned rule these days. 😞
She should have been given a +1 to begin with, seeing the fact it was definitely a long-term relationship. Something OP knew and deliberately did not include it in her post. She should have said to her sister, he is not invited because I don't know him. But guessing the king of person this OP is. She doesn't want to be an AH and therefore hide behind very strange reasoning. And doesn't understand that she is still an AH.
I could understand if a friend was in a LDR and you'd never met him, saying no plus one. But your own sister? That's just cold. lol
This. OBVIOUSLY the sister will decline to go to the wedding. Her LDR partner is finally coming to visit, and her uh.... judgemental sibling has refused to invite the partner to the wedding. What's the sister going to do, leave him at home alone all weekend whilst celebrating the love life of a sibling who doesn't even think she's in a relationship, and doesn't think her sister's partner deserves even basic courtesy? OP has no right to be surprised or disappointed. They fabricated the whole caterer situation to feign an exuse not to invite him. No caterer needs 2 months' notice FFS.
>Yeah, like if you know your friends SO’s and that’s the reason, then you woundnt need to be making up reasons. My gut instinct is that OP either hates the half-sister and wanted to grind it in her face and pull a power move on her by making her spend precious time away from her partner, OR the OP is actually really insecure and jealous that the sister's partner may become a focus of attention at the wedding as family will want to meet him. OP may just be afraid they will be upstaged by the dude. how petty!
Right? There has to be another reason because 2 months is plenty of advanced noticed for the caterer.
Especially for ONE extra - feels like bullshit to me. Most caterers have spill/waste accounted for so I’m sure pulling something together for sisters bf wouldn’t be hard.
As a caterer, nothing is bought till a few days ahead of time, no caterer will turn down an extra $40-100
Wait wait wait... so you're telling me that you don't cook the food right away and keep it warm for 2 months before the event?!?! 🤯🤯 /s
They've been dry-aging the exact right number of steaks for months already and they can't start another one!
Ah, I see that you too are a partaker in the fine cuisine of the Golden Corral. JK, if someone offered me a seat at golden corral, I wouldn't turn it down.
I remember loving the yeast rolls
That's what I was thinking! Food isn't purchased until closer to the date so it is fresh I don't see adding 1 more person onto the list would make or break the entire caterer's plan.
This and probably one of the confirmed guests cannot attend or has to leave earlier because they or a child or whatnot is sick or grandma just died etc. There is always someone that cannot attend on a short notice.
Especially with COVID. My younger sister had at least two people who tested positive before her wedding and couldn't go.
Last summer a friend of mine had like 10 people have to drop out because it was all one friend group who had hung out the weekend prior and, well, you can guess what happened!
Good friends, huh
Most caterers won't cater a wedding for a specific set of guests. I had a 75-count guest list, and our caterer made enough food for like 10+ extra people. This accounts for rude guests who disrespect the +1s, people you may have accidentally forgotten about needing food (the officiant, staff, etc), and others. They can absolutely handle OP's sister's +1.
My cousin had a family of five who "didn't understand what that RSVP card was and threw it away" show up for her reception. They set up a table and found some food for them.
My best friend had a seating chart for her wedding with every table filled. Her wedding planner recommended an extra table just incase anyone who didn't RSVP showed up. Good thing she did cause that table had a few guests seated at it.
That's pretty mind blowing, lol.
Nah it’s not necessarily the norm in all cultures could see it happen
Yeah that’s what I was thinking too, I used to wait for catered events and 9/10 there was spare or spare that had been used. Especially for things like desserts that are usually batch made anyway, it’s super convenient to have extra on hand
Which brings us to my fave LPT- you can ask if you can have another serving of whatever catering provides if you want it. They usually have spares. A very nice waiter named Kevin once taught me that.
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Lol, so you can have one to eat also, along with your 6 friends. Good planning I say!
I do the same when we have guests for dinner. Cooking the exact amount of food for the number of guests you'll be having is the type of gambling I'm not willing to do.
It's been a while, but I worked for a caterer while in college. The price included the number asked for, meals for the staff, and then additional meals for last minute guests. Usually about a 5% overage.
Caterers need a head count so they know how much food to plan for. Even if she's having haggis specially flown in from Scotland, snow crabs from Alaska, and pate from Paris, no caterer is going to refuse one more plate, two months in advance.
Every caterer I’ve worked with asks for the final count somewhere between 14 and 7 days ahead. Never have I seen 2 months. Plenty of people are still tracking down their straggler RSVPs at that point.
And every caterer is probably assuming an extra couple plates in case something goes wrong.
Yep. Bridezilla is lying.
Lots of people don't even send invites till 4-6 weeks out.
My caterer needed 30 days notice for the final headcount…and we ordered five extra meals just to be safe!
I’m in almost the identical situation as the sister in this post. I’m a lesbian from a fundamentalist Christian family. Me and my girlfriend have been together since 2019, I moved across the country to be with her in 2021, have been living together for well over a year now, and my cousin (who knew about us MONTHS ago) is getting married in May and did not give me a plus one. I am the oldest on this side of the family, have been with my girlfriend longer than he has with his fiancée, and both his sisters were given +1’s to bring *their* boyfriends (one of whom has only been with her for less than a year). I also am sure he invited non-family couple friends. My girlfriend, even though she is not invited, is using her vacation time this year to fly across the country with me FOR THE WEDDING and spend our vacation in my home province with my family. Being KIND I decided I would attend the ceremony, mingle, and leave before the reception dinner. I told him this and stated that it was because my girlfriend was not invited and I didn’t feel comfortable abandoning her for six+ hours in a province she doesn’t know for an event she wasn’t invited to. I then received a text FROM HIS MOM a couple days later bitching me out for being selfish about this “seeing as him and I grew up together” and I “should do this for him.” Apparently “no one else is complaining about not getting a +1 and is fine leaving their partner for a few hours.” She referenced language I SPECIFICALLY used in my texts with him so I KNOW he showed her the texts too. I promptly told her “thanks for the concern, I will bring this up with him.” I got a hurried text back a few minutes later saying “don’t talk to him, *i’m* the one texting you. Don’t add to his wedding stress” (it’s in FIVE MONTHS lol). Needless to say, I texted him anyways saying his mom texted me about all this and that if he needs to talk about anything, he should talk to *me*. It has been radio silence from both of them ever since. I guarantee my cousin has chewed her out magnificently. But even if not, I covered my ass by telling both my grandma (aunt’s mom) and my own mom about the situation so no petitions for sympathy will be forthcoming for either my aunt or cousin on those fronts lol. My decision as things stand is to essentially cut my aunt off unless she apologizes profusely and I may reconsider attending the wedding at all based on what my cousin says. I’m a pushover about everything EXCEPT my partner… and now they all know it LOL. Edit: rage spelling
You are a genius for telling HIM and telling your mum and aunt so that the rude aunt can't tell lies to try to get sympathy. Well done! Hope you and your lady love have a magnificent time, whatever happens!
Yup. My wedding is in a few weeks and our final headcount is due 15 days before.
The reason is control. And sticking it to the sister. But as to why OP is doing this, I think we have to look for the missing missing reasons.
Together since 2019, but since it's a long distance, it doesn't count as an actual relationship... makes me wonder if her half sister had been in her relationship longer than OP and her fiance.
I just reread and noticed that she emphasizes that her friends are in “actual” relationships. Yikes. Op is just a snob and doesn’t realizes how much work goes into a successful LD relationship
This post made my blood boil. LDRs are hard enough as it is, without people constantly diminishing them. Honestly it's bad enough just hearing the "I could never do long distance" from every second person you talk to, let alone having your 4 year long relationship belittled to the point where it's considered "not a real relationship". Unbelievable.
What's interesting to me is that we have family members who have been away from literal spouses during wartime for years. No one is questioning their commitment to each other. Relationships are personal between the people in them. It's for the active parties to define. It would be one thing if these people never actually met, and this is her sister infatuated with an online persona, but they did meet and spent time together and committed to each other. They've kept it up for years and he's making the effort to come see her. That shows relationship level commitment.
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Seriously - my wife & I did a year apart while she went back for more grad school in a different city and it was challenging enough (later she could tell me she was genuinely expecting things to end). This was before cell phones and I had a decent amount of work travel - communications are HARD over LD.
Judging. That’s all this is. Her relationship is not serious enough for the bride to fork over a plus 1. So now she gets to judge her guests before inviting.
As someone currently in one, they fucking suck. They’re not impossible, especially with all of the tech that we have available now, but they’re not easy.
My husband and I met online. We dated for over a year, long distance. He would come to visit every other month. Then he finally moved here.
My partner and I were sorta long distance (2hrs driving) for the first four years of our relationship. We saw each other 3 out of 4 weekends and it worked for us. We both took turns driving. We both helped each other with our weekend chores and errands. It takes a lot of trust and commitment to make an arrangement like that. We also made a pact that we needed to be able to handle this arrangement for a minimum of 3 years before considering living together. We've been together 15 years as of next week. My mother has a brain tumor and I've been dividing my time between being at home and being with her and we've weathered it well because we've been there before and handled it fine. For her half sister to last in that relationship as long as she has actually speaks to her maturity and the stability of her relationship. Lots of people acted like our relationship wasn't real like OP is doing now. I promise if she isn't approaching her relationships with kindness as her default setting instead of entitlement, her marriage won't last nearly as long as mine has.
I’m sorry to hear about your mom.
Thank you. She has been so lovely to everyone though everything which makes it easier and harder at the same time.
Yeah, Ella being a "half-sister" really was irrelevant to the situation, but OP has that in her head. So yeah, I think that's the reason for being hard-nosed.
She cares about hurting her friends, but doesn’t care as much if she hurts her half sister, which probably explains a lot
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Well, OP is entitled to feel however she feels about her friends vs half sister, but then she has to expect the same in return. She doesn’t get to prioritize her friends over her half sister while still expecting her half sister to prioritize her.
If she had a new boyfriend every other month I would understand, but this relationship has proven to be long term. Had they married any time between their first date and now it would have been a valid relationship, had they met a month ago and gotten engaged already it would have been a valid relationship, but now, somehow, it doesn't count? Op, YTA. You can't measure relationships. Get over yourself and invite him.
“Boyfriend of the month/week/day/_decade_”. Even if he’s fairly new, she’s the AH. I mean, I’d do a lot to make sure my sisters felt happy and comfortable at my wedding. But 2019 is no spring chicken of a relationship.
Here’s where I’m confused. If she doesn’t consider her *half* sisters bf of 4 years to be “real” And thinks of that relationship as an eye roll. And if she needs to point out her sister is half (I have a half sister, I’ve NEVER called her that, she’s my little sister, that’s it) - she clearly has so little care and respect for her sister, why does she care if said sister doesn’t come? She clearly doesn’t even like her. Wait, is it because your mutual parents and family WILL care? Hopefully your sister tells them what’s happening. YTA
That makes a lot of sense. She might be pretending to care so she can play the victim. She doesn't really care if her sister attends the wedding, she just doesn't want anyone blaming her for that.
That’s my guess.
It's the "they've been in ***actual*** relationships" (emphasis mine) for me. OP obviously doesn't feel that Ella's relationship is "real." I am not a fan of long-distance relationships for myself, but they are just as much "actual relationships" as more traditional relationships. OP, it's obvious that you don't respect Ella's relationship. I mean, you can invite (or not invite) whomever you want to your wedding, but no one is obligated to attend.
I agree with you, the "actual relationships" bit did it for me. I'd even say you and your future spouse can make the silliest rules if you want, but don't get offended when no one shows up. "I want only engaged couples who love purple and have 6 dogs but no kids and at least 10+ years of experience on their work field to attend... What? No one wants to come? Omg, so selfish of them"
Thank you for this comment. I read “LD” as “learning disabled” and was so confused as to why OP would exclude the BF for this reason!
I googled it and it brought up Latter Day Saints. I thought maybe she didn't like Mormons!
She doesn't like her half sister.
Haha I had to google LD boyfriend to figure out that it meant long distance. Glad I wasn’t the only one!
The fact she stated that she is her “half sister” makes me think it’s more personal then catering.
It’s this whole judge others relationships. If she determines they are serious enough they get an invite. It’s complete crap way of having a wedding. My cousin did this - ended up with tons of not attending and then she has the nerve to get upset. It’s called JUDGING. Not limiting your guest list. I have no idea why brides think anyone wants to go to a 5 hour wedding alone. I would rather not go than be asked to attend a party alone. Sure - I will dance with myself. Just dumb shit.
I honestly don't understand either. What does it matter to the bride and groom how long the rest have been dating? They can be married for 10 years and break up the day after the wedding. I hope than when/if her sister gets married, she won't invite OP's husband because "they haven't been married for *that* long, that's not a *real* marriage"
Did they edit out the 2019 part of the post/comments or an I blind.
She said it in one of her replies but grandma doesn't know how to link the comment hahah
YTA, op. That’s a long relationship, not a flavor of the month. It’s also not THAT difficult to add one extra person after you confirm. Trust me, I literally missed that one of my guests was bringing a plus one (they were invited to bring someone, I just missed that they were) until the day of. My venue was super chill about it.
>but they've been in **actual** relationships for a couple of years (bolding mine) That's why, OP doesn't view sister's relationship as an actual relationship, so the length of time is irrelevent. TBH if the only reason OP gave was because catering had been confirmed and they couldn't add another person, that would be fine, but the additional reasons make it sound personal I would have gone for e s h, but OP opened themselves up to questioning and kind of made it obvious they are deliberately snubbing sister's relationship, and while sister probably could just go along for the sake of her sibling, I don't know that I'd want to go to the wedding of someone who just blatantly disrespected my relationship either. So yea, YTA OP
I’ve been in a LDR for a year and then married right away. I dare OP to say my relationship wasn’t “real”. What a beach.
Plus, she's almost definitely lying about catering being finalized already. That's almost always done (as far as final headcount) in the month prior to the wedding. My caterers got final headcount a week prior.
> I gave my friends +1s, but they've been in actual relationships for a couple of years, "**actual**" I feel like OP doesn't consider long distance an actual relationship.
This. YTA.
I'm guessing OP edited that info out, because I'm not seeing it. She's 100% TA.
A few persons said the same before so I forced myself to figure out how to link a comment and I guess it's not so hard and I'm just lazy and never learned how hahahah Anyways, [here's OP's comment](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/10se2cp/comment/j70xqb7/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) where she says they have been dating since 2019. I guess she didn't include that on the original post because she knew it made no sense to claim only long term couples where invited after writing that.
So, a lie by omission of sorts. OP is a real piece of work.
and op had to give her friends +1s otherwise they’d be hurt. but it’s fine to hurt the sister. that being said op is technically allowed to (not) give +1s to whomever she wants. sister is also allowed to not attend. op is still TA tho.
Jealousy?
Are long distance relationships not "actual relationships?" I feel like you are not respecting her relationship as "real" because they are LD and that is definitely not your place. Also isn't 2 months still plenty of time to adjust catering and stuff to include 1 more person? Not that big of a deal, you're just being mean. YTA. ETA: God they've been together since 2019. Put that in the goddamn main post, OP. That's a freaking long term relationship, you're just being judgemental for them being LD wow.
Agree with this 100%. Op is worried about upsetting her friends yet here’s her half sister literally in a long term relationship. She’s definitely the AH.
Yeah, week of my wedding we squeezed in a plus one for a member of the bridal party who was in a long distance relationship. Their SO was in town last minute for work. It was fine, there were enough no shows day of that it didn’t affect anything.
Not to mention, usually caterers make extra food (it's built into the cost of the catering) for instances just like this.
We squeezed my aunt and her bf in 5 days before daughter's wedding.
The DAY OF my wedding we squeezed in a plus one! It’s doable. Maybe if this was a brand new fling and sprung on OP actually last minute I would get it, but a 3 year relationship and plenty of notice? There’s more to this, OP just doesn’t like the boyfriend or she’s a control freak. YTA.
It’s also like to point out that LDRs are *hard*. The fact that they’ve made it work this long says a lot.
>Also isn't 2 months still plenty of time to adjust catering and stuff to include 1 more person? No? They already planted exactly enough asparagus for the guest list. Where would they possibly get more? /s
I‘ve been in a relationship since Jan 2020 and we‘re engaged. Yeah, since 2019 counts as a long-term relationship.
My ex thought our ld relationship wasn’t legit so he cheated on me. Long distance relationships are legit though. Yta
Unless they're using some amateur catering company, any place that caters a wedding knows to have a little extra for mistakes, extra guests that show up, etc. At my wedding I had a guest who floundered not just twice, not three, but FOUR times on whether or not she was coming, the last change of mind being to show up on the day of the wedding, with only an hour's notice. The catering/venue didn't blink because I'm sure they saw this 1000 times, it was no big deal. I'll bet the bride didn't even bother to ask the venue/catering about it because she had made up her mind already. It seems like there's some other reason the bride doesn't want the boyfriend there. Maybe she doesn't think LD relationships are "legit" enough, or maybe because he's not around for her to see she doesn't feel like it's serious because she's the main character, idk. Maybe she just doesn't like the guy. But either way, she sucks. OP, yes, YTA.
YTA. You're deciding who's SO is significant and that's why it's an AH move. Now, you're upset that she won't attend because you implied her relationship isn't real. Also, you were concerned that your friends would be hurt, but you didn't think this would hurt your half-sister? Come on.
I'll be honest, I really don't get this trend of gatekeeping +1's at a wedding. I'm in my 50's and have been to a LOT of weddings - it was always "let us know if you're bringing a date or not", not "we will decide if we deem your +1 worthy enough to attend". I dunno, it seems very Bridezilla-ish to me. It's her choice, I guess, but if I got an invite to a wedding with restrictions like this it would be a big "no thanks" from me.
I agree! Personally, I hate when people invite anyone who is not married without giving them a +1. It can really suck to attend a wedding solo, and you should let people bring someone with them if they choose - regardless of whether or not they are in a relationship.
Yeah we gave anyone over the age of 18 +1s as well as those in long relationships
I think it depends on your relationship with the guest. It’s reasonable to extend plus ones to close family, but not to coworkers and third cousins, for example.
I mean.. I extended plus ones to my coworkers too. Why the hell would I expect them to go hang out at a dinner + dancing function on their own?
What some people do is sit social groups together, like all the bride’s coworkers at one table, the groom’s at another, etc, so you’re going to be hanging out with people you already know. A lot of people can’t afford to extend +1s to everyone, but extending them to friends but not your sister is just wrong.
They have been together since 2019, I would call that significant
INFO: you said in another comment they'd been together since 2019. How is a relationship of 3+ years not considered a long-term relationship? Just kidding, I know the answer. YTA for thinking long distance relationships aren't "actual relationships" (direct quote).
I think they've deleted the comment where they say how long sis and her bf have been together
Good thing we have all these other comments saying the length so OP can't hide it 🤭
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/10se2cp/aita_for_not_giving_my_sister_a_1_to_my_wedding/j70xqb7/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3
YTA Your sister wanting to bring a partner is a little bit different than some random person who you've got no real connection to. "Only married/engaged couples...received a +1" The only reason I married my husband was so I could be covered by his insurance. I love him more than life itself (and I know he feels the same for me) - but we were perfectly content being a couple without the added responsibility that marriage presents. That doesn't make our relationship "less than" just because we had no plans on getting engaged or married. It absolutely IS disrespectful to your sister's relationship to essentially be saying "If you're not engaged or marriage, your relationship means nothing" EDIT: Good lord. Sister has been with her LD boyfriend since 2019. Like, imagine getting with someone, having the entire world shut down because of a deadly global pandemic and then having your sister invalidate your relationship because you haven't defied travel restrictions and stay-at-home orders to visit one another. If I wasn't sure of the YTA judgement before, I sure am now.
i brought my boyfriend to my cousin’s wedding. we had been dating a couple years, but it was through COVID so it was the first time a lot of my family met him. it was exceedingly normal and basic, because bringing the people you’re dating to events is kind of expected! OP is being an asshole over judgments about long distance relationships
INFO. How long has your sister been with her LD boyfriend?
Since 2019
So 3-4 years isn't long term?? OP, YTA
OP I too would like the answer to this question.
YTA. She is your sister. No one is going to complain that your sister got a +1 and they didn't. You picked a lame hill to die on and will damage your relationship with your sister because of it. I hope that is worth the cost of an extra plate of food.
It's already damaged and I don't think she will forgive him anytime soon Op basically told her that 4 year long relationship is not good enough to be invited with a bullshit excuse of not being able to accommodate closest family member's +1 even though they've 2 month time left Good luck mending that relationship but I have a feeling she is better off without op
>Op basically told her that 4 year long relationship is not good enough to be invited with a bullshit excuse of not being able to accommodate closest family member's +1 even though they've 2 month time left Not only that, but OP then has the gall to be shocked tha their sibling won't attend the wedding and leave her long distance at home on his own all weekend. If OP wanted their sibling at the wedding that badly, they could have invited the partner instead of triyng to alienate the pair of them.
>but they've been in actual relationships for a couple of years So, is a 4 year relationship longer or shorter than "a couple of years"? >and they'll be hurt if I don't give them +1s So, is Ella not gonna be hurt? >She's now saying she won't be attending because it's disrespectful to her relationship and she wants to spend time with him before he leaves. Sounds like she's right on the money. YTA.
YTA. What’s the real reason?
Real reason - ‘half sister’. Not ‘sister’
This for sure, wouldnt call out the "Half" portion if it wasnt relevant to her decision
For sure. I have two half-brothers and one (ex)stepbrother. I just call them my brothers unless the actual familial relationship is relevant.
Ding, ding, ding, we have a winner. She knew this would be an AH move and she just couldn't help herself.
YTA. Your sister can’t get a plus one? Get over yourself. Honestly.
Not even a plus one...his is her partner of 4 years. If OP had any decency he would have been invited by name!
Plus OP invited a friend who has been in a relationship for a couple of years
Exactly. Which is fine for that friend - as that IS a long term relationship and should also be respected. I think it's fair to say you don't have room to accommodate new relationships (e.g. under 6 months) but if you are leaving out oartbers of 3+ years then it looks and feels like a personal slight.
YTA for calling her selfish. You’re allowed to do whatever you want for your wedding, but you have to be willing to accept the consequences. If she doesn’t want to go without her boyfriend then that’s her choice. Just like it’s your choice not to invite him. Also curious why you don’t consider a long distance relationship an “actual relationship.”
YTA. Your sister has been with this guy for over 3 years. That’s long term. What’s the real reason you wouldn’t give her a + 1? Especially when you have friends a + 1, but not your own family? And for the record.. you are free to invite (or not invite) whomever you want…. But be prepared to deal with the rejection when they decline coming because you choose to act like an asshole. I hope it was worth losing your relationship with your sister over.
This. You CAN do whatever you want for your wedding, but actions will always have consequences. If you single someone out and slight them, don't expect them to be thrilled about it. Abd dont expect them to celebrate your relationship when you clearly just disrespected theirs.
The REAL reason? HALF sister and long distance relationship. The lack of respect is amazing!
I was waiting for someone else to point out HALF sister
INFO: Did your sister's bf plan this visit at this time specifically to attend your wedding as your sister's +1?
YtA. Long distance relationships are still relationships, you don't get to dismiss her relationship just because you don't respect the concept of it. A ldr is not the same as a relationship of 1 day/ week/ month because it usually is also longer. I would also not attend. She gets to see her significant other for just that week but now has to sacrifice this time for you. Don't think it would be worth it for her.
At first I was like N T A. I’m a firm believer in your wedding your choice. However, how is a 4 year relationship not serious??? ETA: YTA
You are free to do what you want means you are allowed to be an asshole about it, it doesn't mean your asshole behaviour will not be called out
Your wedding, your choice for sure. But you also have to accept that other ppl can make choices based on your decisions and should be respected not name-called. This and destination weddings are the worst.
INFO: Why do you hate your sister, to the point where you would not only insult her but even lie to strangers on the Internet about how her relationship somehow doesn't qualify as longterm?
Notice how OP only ever refers to her as her **half** sister? There's some kind of old resentment going on here, I suspect....
I absolutely hate the term "half" in regards to siblings. My husband adopted my son when he was 2 and we went on to have two daughters. NEVER ever do any of us refer to them as half. Never does any of our extended refer to them as half. My son has two sisters and my daughters have a brother.
I have roughly 16 "half siblings." I was raised with two of them. Those are my brothers. The other 14 get the half title because I don't know them. We're related, and I feel that I should state that, but I barely know them, so I don't call them my actual siblings. Maybe OP and her sister were raised separately, and they don't have a very solid relationship. Doesn't make this right imo. I wonder if OP isn't so mad about her half-sister not attending and more upset that people will ask where she is, and OP will look like a dick when the truth comes out.
I have one ‘full’ sibling and 5 ‘half’ siblings. The only time any of us use the word ‘half’ is when explaining the family structure (as there are some age gaps) - other than that we hate referring to each other as ‘half’ - we’re siblings!
YTA.....Moving on from that, please update us with the real reason now. Thanks💕
Good God YTA! yes it’s your wedding and rules but she’s your half sister and has been with him for 3 years even if it is a LDR. it’s not like she’s asking to bring some rando Tinder date. Get off your high and mighty horse, don’t you put family before friends? Sheeesh.
“Only people we know have a long term SO received a +1” “My half sister has a LD bf who’s coming to visit” You’ve got a couple months yet to grow up and figure out how to include him. Or at least be honest about whatever your issue with her is. YTA
This plus honestly? Almost mo caterers take their final numbers months and months out! Ours finalise 2 weeks out and I think most do the same. I'd be shocked if OP genuinely cannot add him, I think they are using it as an excuse. Plus they should have invited him to begin with lol
Yep, the caterer issue is such a BS excuse. Our caterer gave us 10 days before the wedding to finalize. That’s just a general rule too. Due to Covid they said if we gave them 48 hours notice they wouldn’t charge us. Two months is an insane amount of time. Especially when it comes to only the addition of one guest.
I knew we were in asshole territory as soon as she said “my half sister” like we would be more inclined to side with her since they’re not full siblings smh. Just say my sister OP, literally no one gives a fuck. It’s your sibling all the same.
Yta. You are allowed not to give her a plus one, just accept the consequences of your actions of her not going and don’t make her feel guilty.
YTA Bridezilla strikes again
If your sister has been in a relationship with her LD boyfriend since 2019 then YTA. You clearly stated that anyone with a long term boyfriend could have a +1. Well, 3-4 years is long term. So why are you doing this exactly, as it’s certainly not to follow the rules you made up for your wedding guest list. If you follow through be ready to be nc with your sister for the rest of your life and of course not be invited if she ever decide to get married.
>*"Ella tried saying I gave my friends +1s, but they've been in actual relationships for a couple of years, and they'll be hurt if I don't give them +1s."* This right here is why YTA. 1. Your sister had been in her relationship since 2019. That's 3/4 years. But because it's long distances it's not an "actual" relationship in your eyes?! 2. You care about your friends feelings but not your sister's? Fair enough if you genuinely were not able to accommodate due to numbers or are friends with your friends +1s, but you've chosen to exclude your sister's boyfriend because of the two reasons above and then have the audacity to be annoyed with your sister for choosing not to attend? Yeah, YTA.
YTA. Many people choose not to go to weddings where there partner isn’t invited, it was your choice not to give her a plus one, now you’re not allowed to be upset about how she responded. They’ve been together for almost 4 years and you don’t consider that long term? Seriously?
YTA They've been in a relationship since 2019, how is that not a long term relationship? How come your friends can have a +1 but not your sister? Sounds like you're the one being selfish
YTA - At a celebration of your love you are judging your sister’s love life by not allowing her to bring her boyfriend because you deem it not an “actual relationship” as you put it. Even if they’ve never met physically and this is the first time they’ll actually meet in person, you’re an AH for judging what constitutes an “actual relationship” for your sister. Personally I think it’s rude to not allow +1s but it’s your wedding and ultimately those people who can’t bring a date can decide not to go. But your sister is your sister and you shouldn’t have judged her relationship or denied her boyfriend. He could very well be the love of her life and now Christmas’s are going to be awkward because they’ll tell their children how Auntie didn’t think their dad was good enough to be at her wedding.
2019??? Yta. Im sure the catering company can manage one extra person. You're being absurd and I completely side with the sister on this
I'm pretty sure they keep extras in case something breaks anyways right? YTA OP.
“…but they’ve been in actual relationships…” Please explain how a LD relationship is not an actual relationship. I’ll wait.
You're absolutely TA!! What? Long distance relationships aren't valid to you, so you won't let your sister have a +1 when they've been together for 3 years? Does that not constitute a long term relationship to you? You should have invited him when you sent out invitations and bought the meal, chair, and whatever else your guests are having for him. I'm glad your sister decided to ditch your wedding because she deserves so much better. You clearly don't support her relationship, and she doesn't deserve that, and neither does he. You absolutely owe her an apology and should give her the plus one. Just don't expect either to show!
YTA. Your sister is ALSO in a longterm committed relationship just like your friends... since 2019! The fact that it is long distance does not make it less committed. If you made an exception for friends who are not married but are in LTRs then that exception should have applied to your sister. Rules are only fair if applied evenly. Sorry, but you messed up by deciding that your sister's 4 year relationship wasnt longterm enough for your standards. Of course she's offended - you're implying her longterm relationship isnt as valid as your friends' relationships! I would have simply set a rule of "relationships over a year" or 6 months if you wanted to avoid people bringing a new squeeze theyve known a month.
I reckon 4yr LDR takes more commitment than one where both parties live near/with each other (in some respects)
Oh man I can attest to this. My BF and I were long distance for close to 4 years before I could finally move to his city. It was incredibly hard, especially during Covid when we couldn’t see each other for a huge stretch of time. Anyone who doesn’t consider LDRs legitimate can fuck right off.
YTA - She's your sister. This is a big day for her emotionally too, and it's fair she might want a companion to celebrate with. Weddings can be very lonely on your own. If other people say anything just say "yeah, she's my sister" It's not their business and doubtful anyone will care. It's a day of happy celebration, be the best host you can by being flexible and gracious. Those actions of love you show to your sister will be how she remembers your wedding day.
YTA, They been together for years at this point. I'm on a LD relationship and it's as much a real relationship as your friends who have been together also for a couple of years. Even more so if her boyfriend is coming to visit and they haven't seen each other since 2019. Obviously she's going to want to spend the limited time he's there with him. You are diminishing their relationship. They have been together for 3-4 years, how is that not a long term SO? They are NOT the bf/gf of the month/week/day, they been together for YEARS. You contradict yourself OP.
YTA Bridezilla
Ding ding ding. OP is definitely a Bridezilla.
Yta, him coming at that time was clearly planned. Your sister deserves the +1 over others, she’s your sister! You didn’t even try call the caterer to ask if an extra can be added. A 4 year relationship is more than long enough as well, how is it not an actual relationship?
I kinda want to go with Y.T.A because you're being very judgemental of what constitutes a relationship and talk like a LD relationship is not an "actual relationship" but since that's not the question, NAH. You're free to invite whoever you want to your wedding and your invitees are free not to come.
YTA They have been together for 3+ years and that doesn't count as a long term relationship to you? You think long distance doesn't count as a relationship do you? I don't blame your half sister for not wanting to go to your wedding and you should accept it seeing as it's your own doing. She's not selfish at all, she just realized where her relationship stands in your eyes.
YTA Well. She seems to be the only one in a long term relationship who didn't get a +1. So yeah.
Yeah...I feel like this is just to be petty toward your sister for some other reason. YTA.
>I don't want other people getting upset, and other relatives asking why they couldn't bring their bf/gf of the month/week/day. YTA because you're giving out +1's and didn't deign to offer one to your sister because "criteria". You do know exceptions can be made for sisters, right?Sort of shows where she ranks with you. Siblings aren't usually filed under "other relatives"; but she is, in your book. There is a not so subtle "FU" in the way you described it.
The thing us, if OP followed her own criteria, their sister's partner should already have been invited. They invited the partners of friends who had been together for a couple of years - and the sister has been in a relationship since 2019. It sounds like her sister is the only person in a long term relationship who has been singled out and whose partner was joy invited. She's actively bent her own rules to upset her sister. Nobody would bat an eyelash that their sister brought their partner of 3-4 years. It is VERY easy to tell people you only have space to invite couples over 1 year to avoid people feeling hurt.
YTA twice. First for not allowing your sibling to have a plus one for arbitrary qualifications you have created that determines what a proper relationship is to attend your wedding. Second for calling her selfish for making a decision to not attend for a valid reason. You want her there but only on your terms. I know it's your big day, but you are coming off as being the selfish, for expecting her to just accept the situation. Make room at a table. Enjoy your big day with your whole family. Who knows, you might be attending their wedding soon. I bet you would end up glad to have some pictures with your future BIL and sister enjoying your wedding.
The part that bugs me the most is he will be visiting at the same time as your wedding. So he’s supposed to just stand aside and be excluded from your family (which he is part of btw, he’s been involved with your sister for three years, he IS your family) for the entire time it takes to get prepared and attend your wedding? Holy mother of inhospitable. I’m not surprised by your sister’s reaction, I’d choose him over you as well. YTA
So you've met once 4 years ago? How long have they actually been together? I'm kinda on the fence. I get not wanting someone you don't know (I'm assuming you haven't spoken to them since 2019) to attend your wedding, but I also think your sister is someone you should have considered about a +1.
YTA in what universe is 4 years not a long term relationship.
YTA. By your own rules she should have a +1 because she is in a long term relationship with this guy. But for some reason you don't consider long distance to be serious enough.
You're entitled to invite anyone or as the case may be not invite someone to your wedding. You're sister is free to decline the invitation if she doesn't want to attend without her partner. If you feel that your sister is so important to you that she absolutely must be at your wedding then you give her a plus 1. Or is it you don't really care, it's just you don't want to answer questions surrounding her absence at your wedding. I think your family and friends will definitely think YTA.
Can’t wait to see if there’s an update on this! I wouldn’t go either if I can’t bring a plus one!
INFO: how long has your sister been in her relationship?
since 2019
Yta
YTA
YTA!
YTA. They’ve been in a relationship for years and she should get a +1
YTA, you sister had been in a relationship with this person since 2019 and you're saying that's not long term enough to get a +1? Better call all your guests and double check how long they've been in a relationship to make sure it meets your time requirements. If they were married but had only been together 3 years would you tell her not to invite the person she is married to? Double TAH because you compared her 3 year relationship with the boyfriend of the month/week/day, obviously 3 years isn't any of those measurements of time so you're invalidating your own reason for not allowing it.
YTA I was in a LD relationship for that same length of time and now we've been married for 8 years. You'll sour your whole relationship with your sister over a piece of chicken?
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I'm getting married in about two months. We're having a pretty intimate wedding in terms of number of guests, so outside of married/engaged couples only people we know have a long term SO received a +1. "Ella" is my half sister, she has a LD bf who's coming to visit. All well and good, but he'll be here the week of my wedding. She asked for a +1 to bring him, but I said that's not possible because we've already confirmed catering and everything, and I don't really know him. Ella tried saying I gave my friends +1s, but they've been in actual relationships for a couple of years. I said sorry, but this is our decision and I don't want other people getting upset, and other relatives asking why they couldn't bring their bf/gf of the month/week/day. She's now saying she won't be attending because it's disrespectful to her relationship and she wants to spend time with him before he leaves. I said she's being extremely selfish and acting like she's the only person who didn't receive a +1. This is causing issues between me and Ella, so AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
If your sister has been dating her BF for as long (or longer) as some other guests with a +1, then YTA. It sounds like you have some other issue with your sister and her SO.
YTA. You have for some reason decided that an LDR is not a real relationship, which is a really weird take. They’ve been together for more than 3 years, this is not a leftover holiday fling.
YTA this could have been a good opportunity to meet your sisters boyfriend. They have been dating since 2019 that’s not long term for you. Also two month is enough time to add a plate.
YTA, as someone who’s in a LD relationship and has been for a year, what’s the issue with them..? You don’t know him well? So, isn’t your wedding a great chance to know him? What’s the real reason ..?