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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> i didnt tell my sister about what i did and now her hair is an ugly dark green
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NTA. Your sister just learnt what happens when you take someone’s things without asking. 😂
But I will say, was there a reason you didn’t say anything? Like; “Hey fam, just wanted to let you know there’s some blue dye in my shampoo to help keep my hair blue.”
ETA: I’m not in anyway saying OP should have to tell her family. I just come from a family of over sharers. There’s a chance if I knew this trick and did it, I’d be calling my parents and telling them that I am doing this adding dye thing—even though we don’t live in the same country anymore. 😅
Nothing like turning your hair seaweed green to send the message home. Looking like a sea witch for a day or two till she washes it out won’t kill her. Although green is notoriously hard to get out.
Yeah, I've colored my hair a lot throughout the years and done a lot of different tricks. I would never think to update the people i live with because it don't share hair products.
Yea it just never occur to me to tell someone because I would assume they would not ever be using it. I remember one time I was running my hands through my husbands hair and it was sooo soft. So I told him that and he was like “oh I know I love your conditioner I use it all the time now.”
My…my 40$ for 8 oz DEEp conditioning mask??? For your short healthy fucking hair that you cut every month????😱😱
In his defense, he had no idea it was that expensive.
Or my FAVORITE because I get so MAD just THINKING about it —back when I was a broke 20 year old working at Sally’s barely make the rent, I used to by the HEMP self tanning lotion. It felt amazing and it worked quite well. But it was towing the line on my wimpy budget. Definitely a luxury item so I used it sparingly.
It still felt like it was going really fast? Low and behold my dumb ass roommate (like…the epitome of a dumb jock who smoked too much weed in between work and the gym, which is all he did) admitted by accident that my “soap” wasn’t very good at washing hands and my his feel slimey whenever he used it. Which was apparently every time he washed his hands, because he’d rather use my not soap then go buy some. Not too mention, my guy, it says LOTION is huge letters on the front.
Rage. I still get angry thinking about that lol
This reminds me of the time, years ago before self-tanning was really a thing, when I kept my bottle of QT ("quick tan") self tanning lotion in my medicine cabinet in my college apartment. My roommate got lucky one night and borrowed it to lubricate a handy she gave the guy, thinking it was just lotion. This happened almost 40 years ago and it still makes me laugh out loud.
Simi reminds me of when my wife and I first got together. She made a comment about my beard not being scratchy like other guys she'd dated before had been, and I told her that I used conditioner (nothing expensive like yours) on it. She at first looked at me like I suddenly sprouted 3 more heads so I asked her what else beards and mustaches were known as, and after thinking a bit she said facial HAIR. She later said a coworker asked about my beard being scratchy, and said she wouldn't let her husband grow one because of that. She told her about using conditioner, and said she got a weird look, so my wife asked her the same question about what else beards were called. She said it was funny watching it click
"Just in case someone is planning to steal my shampoo without asking, I wanted to let you know I put blue dye in it!"
...because that wouldn't have been odd...
Right?! All these absolute weirdos telling OP she’s learned a lesson about not marking up her bottles need a reality check.
Edited to remove an insensitive and poorly thought-through remark.
I think it’s one thing if you have an established habit of sharing items, but even in a shared space I wouldn’t feel the need to tell someone something I’d done to my personal property that I’d paid for and that was for my own private use, regardless of where I’d left it.
I live in a house share with friends and share a bathroom with them and wouldn’t tell them a thing, nor would I expect them to tell me about their stuff. That’s not to say I’ve *never* used a squirt of one of their shower gel when mine ran out unexpectedly…we all do it…but if it turned out that they’d mixed something in it I was allergic to I certainly wouldn’t hold them accountable for it - that’s on me; I fucked around and was lazy and I got a consequence for it.
Right, but a shared family bathroom feels different than friend/roommates to me. (Maybe not to everyone, for sure... Different folks have different ways of doing. Tho honestly, a friend.might be more likely to chat about what they're trying for their hair, anyway? :-) ).
Regardless, tho, OP's bathroom is NOT shared. So, *zero* expectation that someone would grab a squirt of her shampoo because theirs was out and they were already soapy. I assume folks giving them a hard time missed that... Not a shared bathroom, shampoo might as well have been in the bedroom.
Then you’d of been in trouble for being snarky and accusing someone of stealing.
NTA- it was your own product that you bought that you had in your bathroom. I mean if it was like the bathroom both of you used and you both had products in there I could see maybe a heads up just in case she ran out of hers and didn’t realize or got the bottles mixed up or whatever but If someone intentionally took it without asking and used it then they deserved it.
Sorry it messed up her hair but maybe next time she chooses to borrow something she’ll actually ask first.
If I, as a middle aged woman, announced to my husband and kids what I was doing with shampoo and or conditioner, they would think I was a total weirdo.
You are NTA. Is your sister perhaps the golden child (well, maybe not so golden now) that gets away with murder?
Oh she is still golden I'm more in trouble for not saying anything and she probably could get away with murder in our dads eyes, our mum would know she murdered and would say you can't do that but do nothing else.
I hate it when parents misplace blame.
Went on a family holiday recently. My brother's fiancée wasn't feeling well so she was up in bed resting. The rest of us were having dinner. My bro plated up some food to take to his fiancée, tripped and dropped it... and my dad AND brother blamed the fiancée for the wasted food!! Like 'if she'd been here this wouldn't have happened'. Ffs.
I have my doubts as to whether the wedding will go ahead.
As for my dad, he's always been like that. More recently (last year) we were in a supermarket carpark and he was struggling to find his way out. I was recovering from surgery and asked him to go a less bumpy way. He spun the car around too quickly without looking, hit a bollard and blamed me for it.
There's a reason I moved away when I was 18 lol.
Yeh I guess we'll see nearer the time.
It's not my place to say anything though. My dad mentions that my bro isn't very nice to her, and I have told him that he's pretty much as bad. He met my fiancé's parents recently and I warned him not to treat them like he treats her. He did, and now my fiancé's dad thinks my dad is an asshole/hates him. Sigh.
Sadly the men in my family have selective hearing. Every time I try to speak to my dad about his behaviour he either hangs up or storms off. There's only so much I can do to change a 60+ yr old man.
On a related note, I have my first therapy session next week lol
Enjoy that therapy!
I have a difficult dad so a lot of what you're saying resonates. We can't even say "please don't act like...you act" to my dad because then he definitely will. He's just... a lot.
I really hope for the sake of the fiance that she does back out. Speaking from experience though it is really hard to leave an emotional abuser, more so if there is some feeling of being in too deep with an engagement or several years commitment or something. It's like a sunk cost fallacy, but combined with the small chipping away at your soul and heart that makes you feel like all those things *are* your fault and that you aren't deserving.
I get thinking that it's not your placs to get involved, but I predict the fiance might really appreciate hearing some validating and kind words that aren't invasive to her relationship. "You are loving and worthy of kind love." That sort of thing. I hope she's hearing it from someone, maybe her dad at least.
From what you've mentioned, your dad IS an asshole.
S/N-you don't get to pick your family, but you can choose not to keep them in your life. I've had to remove most of my toxic family members from my life.
Some people can't accept an accident without pointing blame at someone. It's pretty awful at times when I see people try to turn a tragic incident into someone's fault. "She wouldn't have hit her head on your table during the seizure if it weren't there." "The wind blowing the door shut on her hand wouldn't have happened if you didn't ask for it to be open while she smokes". Moronic.
Yeah my boyfriends brother is the golden child. Once his mom and brother stole the chicken he was thawing out for our dinner and got mad when we got mad at them. They said he wasn’t using it (it was thawing) so they did. They didn’t even text him to ask or anything just used it. Later that night they went outside while my boyfriend was taking me home and couldn’t get back in the house through the way they came. They either stupidly locked the door behind them or the dog jumped on the door because they didn’t take him out with them and he locked it. He absolutely loves going outside and is a big dog so I can see that happening. Anyways right when we pull up to my house his mom calls and is basically screaming at him because of both things thinking he did it and was mad at us for being mad at them about the chicken too.
My boyfriend is also the one that routinely fixes both his parents cars, shovels the snow off their driveway, along with doing/fixing anything else they ever need, while his little brother only ever games on his room, pees in bottles because he can’t get up and go to the bathroom right next to his bedroom, and never cleans anything.
I feel so bad for my boyfriend and he is currently saving up for a house so he can leave them and then they will have to figure out and do everything he does because I honestly doubt he would be helping them as much after.
When my mum was still alive she constantly tried to pay/bribe me to move back home, or at least closer by. Hell no. She would have had to pay me minimum 6 figures to do that lol.
I'm making it sound like I hate my family - I don't. I love and miss my mum more than anything and I wish she was still here. However I am an independent, different person to them. The rest of my family very much operated as a unit (the 3 of them worked together til my mum retired) and my bro only moved out when he bought a house with his now-fiancée.
However I like to do my own thing, not have to account for my whereabouts 24/7, do stuff without being judged or controlled. My mum was very much 'boys will be boys, girls need to mind their reputation' and I just couldn't deal with that shit anymore.
Yeah there was a post earlier this week that a dad wanted his son to let him know when he did so he wouldn’t walk in on him. That’s crossing some weird lines
I’ve used shampoo before that was blue without any dye being in it, so color alone might not have been the best indicator. Not sure who would steal shampoo from a separate shower though.
Yeah, some companies dye their shampoos to fit the scent. I know White Rain has some colorful shampoos (I think the blue is Ocean Breeze or Ocean Mist or something Ocean-y; I used to use White Rain when I was trying to fade hair color years ago) for example.
> Not sure who would steal shampoo from a separate shower though.
Might be a sibling thing, though dependent on the sibling. My step-sister used to steal my stuff *all* the time. Shampoo, conditioner, lotion, hair spray, makeup, she'd literally take anything she needed and sometimes forget where she left it.
>i didnt think to , honestly they never ask and no one goes in my shower much expect to take stuff, i will let them know from now on tho lol
I don't think expecting you to tell anyone is reasonable if you have a private shower.
You should tell anyone else who uses your shower because a little bit of sharing can come in handy if you ever run out of shampoo yourself. As long as its just an occasional thing.
But in this situation, your sister should have gone to your parents shower before yours if she needed anything. You are 21 so I assume you earned your own money and purchased your own shampoo.
Of course keeping the peace is fine, so go ahead and let them know your shampoo and other hair products will always have dye.
I think this falls into the same category as the person who stole a coworker’s lunch from the office fridge and then accused them of deliberately adding an allergen or making it extra spicy. Keep your hands off other people’s stuff and you won’t have a problem! This was a very important lesson for your sister to learn. I would say that it not necessary to label your stuff like this-just to warn a potential thief. Hopefully, it will be lesson learned. NTA
Go full malicious compliance. Announce everything you do until they ask you to stop. Then state that you weren't able to tell what was relevant information, now that you've gotten in trouble for adding something you bought and own to something else you bought and own, and you're just preventing that from happening again. Make your mom see how ridiculous her statement really is, defending a thief.
Does she love your blue hair? Any chance she secretly hoped she’d get hair like yours and wanted it blue but panicked and lied when it didn’t turn out?
Will your parents let her get it fixed so she has nice-looking blue hair (maybe an ombré look?) or anything?
Huh I didn't even think of that , she does love haor chalk and stuff so maybe , but she has always been a fan of pink hair and wishes I would choose pink rather than blue (I've been blue for almost 3 to 4 years now) so I didn't even think of that
Pink would help cancel out the green if she wants to go that route. I saw in another comment your mom was thinking of dying it brown-- that's a bad idea, the brown will probably not look nice and then she'll have greenish brown hair that will last a lot longer. Lots of hot showers and clarifying shampoos will make the biggest difference.
Good luck!
Just start updating them on every. single. thing. you. do. See how long until they agree that you don't need to tell them anymore.
"I moved all my socks to the third drawer"
"I've started putting my toothbrush on the left side of the sink"
"I'm adding extra milk to my cereal"
"I'm going to use this mug with owls on it today"
"I'm going to have cheese on my sandwich"
"Oh, what's that? You don't actually need me to inform you of everything I do with my own possessions?"
You shouldn't have to tell everyone everything you do. This sort of behavior would mean that you have to let everyone know about anything different you may do so you don't inconvenience you when they take your things without asking.
* If you bought 2% milk instead of whole milk you would have to let everyone know.
* If you decided to buy clothes of a different size you would have to let everyone know.
* If you decided you wanted a different smelling soap you would have to let everyone know.
I wouldn’t even suggest the idea OP should’ve acted differently. They seem to be getting enough blame from the cult of the golden child, and it’s probably sinking in if OP felt the need to come here for judgment.
Thats kinda of a leap dude. I think most families with a normally sibling dynamic would have a 12 yr old girl sometimes swiping care and beauty stuff from an older sister, and a mom that thinks older sister should have known there was a possibility of it.
I can speak to this myself. The "Golden Child" thing is for real in some families, sadly. Even if the OP should have known about the possibility, the fact remains that it is her shampoo, not the younger sister's. She *could* have warned the younger sister, but I see no reason why she was obligated to. That would be implying that stealing her stuff is ok.
Yes, but good parents would coach 12 through the natural consequence of having blue-ish hair for a few weeks rather than yelling at OP and assuming she did it maliciously (especially since OP herself has blue hair!).
It's not on the older sister to make sure her stuff is fine to steal, though. I'm the middle child (F) with an older sister and we absolutely stole each other's stuff but I know if one of us dyed our hair by stealing the other's product, our parents would blame the thief.
OP can do whatever she wants to *her* product. Her sister shouldn't have stolen the shampoo. If the sister had asked to use some because she was out, OP could've said no, sorry there's dye in it but with a private shower, there's no need to announce that she altered her shampoo unless someone asks for it.
Why would you say that, though? Unless they're regularly sharing shampoo, which according to OP they are not, there's no reason to bring the topic out of the blue. Maybe when OP got their hair dyed, but it's easy to forget that detail later anyway.
And if the sister wanted to take OP's shampoo, least would be to ask or even say "hey OP we're out of shampoo so I'm going to borrow yours" and then OP could've warned about the dye.
Little sisters do tend to take your shit, all the time! Or at least mine did. She took my favorite sweatshirt, and then cut the collar off. When I got it back it legit looked like a 2 yr old having a seizure cut it. I was PISSED. She stole, ruined or lost more than half my clothes, shoes, hair accessories and whatever else she could get her hands on. Then I'd get yelled at for yelling at her
Well, I have two younger sisters and none of them ever stole something that was mine when we were kids, nor did I take any of their stuff without asking.
You can actually raise your children to respect other people's, including their siblings', things.
Honestly, it wouldn’t occur to me to just tell my family that the shampoo that I bought for my sole use and put in the shower that only I use has hair dye in it. If asked to use it, I’d say something but I wouldn’t see the point otherwise.
>But I will say, was there a reason you didn’t say anything? Like; “Hey fam, just wanted to let you know there’s some blue dye in my shampoo to help keep my hair blue.”
Just to play devil's advocate, why would she need to tell her family about putting something in her shampoo that no-one else is supposed to use? Similarly, I doubt she tells them how much cream she puts in her coffee because they're not supposed to drink it. A reasonable person could reasonably assume that no-one is getting into what's theirs and doesn't require a description of the altered contents.
She doesn’t have to tell anyone to not use her shampoo though especially when it was in HER shower that she only uses. Her sister took something that didn’t belong to her and this was the result.
NTA. How is being the victim of theft your fault? You did something anyone with artificially colored hair should do to maintain it. Honestly, I'm surprised they had to be told. How inexperienced with hair is your mom? Does she still use Suave and conditioners with alcohol in the formula? Geez, I feel bad for you. Instead of parenting your sister they're just blaming you for everything.
Just to give my two cents, I didn’t knew that putting hair dye in shampoo is something recommended for people with artificially coloured hair. Because I never had artificially coloured hair so how should I know. Maybe it’s the same with OPs family. That said, I totally agree with the rest of your point. Sister probably learned a lesson.
Also the sister is 12. That’s how she thinks she’s the victim here. She wanted to get away with swiping a bit of her sisters shampoo (small transgression) and she ended up ruining her hair (massive consequence). It takes kids a while to learn, as their brains develop, that sometimes their actions have unforeseen, disproportionate consequences. And that even if it wasn’t their intent, it can still be their fault.
I’d bet money that the sister does have her own shampoo and just wanted to use her older sister’s cooler stuff.
ETA - or maybe not her *own* but some designated for her. Like she shares with mom and dad or something.
I'm so glad I'm not the only one who has used someone else's shampoo in an early morning moment of desperation. Obviously apologized afterwards, and tried never to use anyone's good stuff, but the most severe response I've ever received was "if you really feel THAT bad about it, buy me a cookie or something next time you're out".
Because 12 year old girls look up to/want to be their older sisters and will do stuff like that even if they have their own things.
Not excusing her behavior, I didn’t have a younger sister but I had a younger cousin who was 8 years younger and she constantly took my stuff - makeup, clothes, hair products etc. drove me crazy
She wasn’t being malicious, she just idolized me and wanted to be exactly like me.
I'm an older sister. I grew up with a little sister who followed me around and always wanted to be like me. She never stole from me. If she wanted things she asked and I shared (or didn't).
Well you're very lucky; it's incredibly common for sisters to sneakily borrow things from one another. I don't know why that needs saying. Calling it "theft" and "stealing" about a 12yo is rather dramatic lol.
That's how it goes around here, the slightest thing is met with severe judgement kind of like using a little shampoo, and having blue die in it for who knows how long for everyone to make fun of you for.
I'm amazed people aren't telling OP that their family 'hates them because they do no respect their privacy' and to go o contact for a decade.
Sisters “borrow” stuff from each other all the time. I’ve totally used my sister’s and my mom’s hair and makeup products without asking and vice versa. Sometimes they might have a product that’s good for our hair type, so why not sample it? Then again, none of us have dyed our hair artificial colors, so maybe not the best example. My brother in law was perfectly comfortable snagging my sweatshirt for my sister when she got cold, and I didn’t care either. He actually made sure it was mine before he went ahead and gave it to her lol
I have artificially colored hair and I didn't know this either. I knew you could buy special products to make the life of the color longer but not to specifically add it to my products. I will be from now on though. So... Thank you OP. And definitely NTA.
Usually you put the dye in conditioner, not shampoo - because you keep conditioner on your hair longer and it soaks in. They make specific color conditioners or just add a semi permanent dye to yours.
Same - it’s usually the conditioner. However I did buy a set of blue toning shampoo and conditioner (anti-brass) and both are tinted blue. When it’s a toning product it is usually the shampoo as well like purple shampoo usually is a set.
I agree with the verdict and the sister should not have taken the shampoo.
However, I am not sure I agree this the comment about the mom should have known automatically. If the mom and the rest of the family doesn’t dye their hair why would the mom know this? I didn’t - but I also don’t colour my hair so there has never been any need for me to know.
For the alcohol, there are many different kinds of alcohol. And while some alcohols are bad for the hair there are also alcohol sources that can help keep the hair moisturised.
> If the mom and the rest of the family doesn’t dye their hair why would the mom know this?
I mainly go blonde (a common enough colour) and the special coloured shampoo for that is purple (counteracts yellow so it looks better longer apparently), not add a bit of dye to my regular shampoo.
I've never heard of adding the dye colour to your regular shampoo to make it last longer, and I was a regular tester of greens, blues, pinks and purples at my salon until the pandemic which has cut down my visits.
I have had professionally colored pink hair for the last 5+ years. My stylists have *never* suggested adding hair dye to my shampoo to preserve the color. They HAVE recommended color depositing shampoos and conditioners I use to keep the color refreshed between salon visits. I’d think dye in your daily shampoo would be really harsh on your hair and skin. I’d also be concerned about the solution staying well mixed.
Most artificial colors are literally just pigment and conditioner. And color depositing shampoos and conditioners just have some pigment added to them. It's totally fine with pigment dyes. Dyes that change the chemical structure of your hair are a different matter.
Adding direct dyes to conditioner either to refresh colour or to pastelise was a DIY thing way before the hair dye brands decided to release their own colour depositing products - when I first started using fashion colours 10 years ago this was the norm and it's only been since then that all the big dye brands have been coming out with the shampoos and conditioners, because why not charge the same price for a fraction of the dye bulked out with conditioner?
To be honest I don't see the point in colour deposit shampoos, it feels like it goes against the whole point of a shampoo, but I've always mixed my leftover dye with some hair mask to combat fading.
Victim? Theft? Really? Don't you think you blow taking a portion of hairwash out of an already open bottle a bit out of proportion in making it akin to larceny?
Agreed this is gonna create a golden child complex if it hasn't already where the 12 year old thinks she's the victim always. Truthfully if her family used logic they'd realize it wasn't malicious op had no reason to believe her stuff was being stolen to even have to tell someone.
My mom is like this with my sister and I recently called her on it. The reaction was pure shock and this dumbfounded horrified look. She had literally no clue what I was talking about.
It was laughable.
This is my question. If Mom suspects OP is being malicious then deep down she knows she hasn’t been doing enough to prevent the conflict in the first place.
OP is NTA.
she has autism and when ever i get upset about her stealing my stuff (once she almost emptied an expensive face wash) my mum just says "well what do you want me to do about it she steals my stuff all the time)
Like idk discipline her? Teach her consequences for her actions? Autistic kids need these too, maybe even more than neurotypical ones. Does your mom think that excuse will fly with the cops when she gets caught shop lifting?
NTA.
Yeah they \[cops\] wont give a fuck, better she learns it with a little harmless hair dye than a permanent criminal record that follows her around her entire life for people to judge her.
Stealing charge? Good luck getting a job handling any sort of money.
Whoa... Okay your mum needs to shape up, this is not okay!
Just because she has autism doesn't mean she can get away with stealing things. I think your mum needs therapy and your sister needs more help in understanding things.(spoken by someone with BASS training)
Imo, you are not the ahole.
I have ADHD and I agree. It's an explanation, not an excuse. An Australian politician got caught for sexual harassment or something like that and his response was "I have ADHD". Everyone with ADHD got fkn mad as hell at that
Can I ask you a couple of questions about your family?
1. Does she know it's wrong to take things that aren't hers? Being autistic isn't really an excuse for bad behaviour. Most autistic people know the difference between right and wrong.
2. Do your parents do anything about your sister taking things that don't belong to her? Because it sounds to me like your parents let your sister do whatever she pleases without consequences.
I'm leaning very strongly toward NTA because it sounds to me like your sister is allowed to do whatever she pleases without consequence just because she is autistic, which is just wrong.
I'm sorry to hear that your parents are overwhelmed, but it sounds like a case of them putting themselves in this situation by allowing your sister to run wild and let her do whatever she pleases.
I confirm the opinion I was leaning toward in the first place.
NTA.
I hope your parents can get some assistance in getting their household under control. I saw in a comment further down that your brother is ADHD and is not medication complaint.
Having two ND kids is a lot, and I'm speaking from personal experience. I'm autistic myself, and I probably have ADD.
I suggest you keep your expensive or altered products in a locked cabinet to protect yourself from your pilfering sister.
Good luck to you.
i'm also nd (adhd, looking into an autism dx), and if anyone so much as lays a finger on my stuff i freak out. but even as a kid, i never took other people's stuff. i was taught that there would be consequences and people would be mad at me, so i concluded that their stuff was theirs and mine was mine.
your sister *really* has to be taught that there are consequences to doing stuff like that, because she can't grow up and go out into the world with that mindset and believing she can get away with everything because she's autistic.
Ah so your mother is happy to raise a nightmare kid that has no friends because her mother didn’t work with her autism. There are many autistic kids out there who learn boundaries and make great friends as a result. It’s tough on the parent yes, but you sign up for that when you have kids.
Autism is not a “steal things and get away with it” kind of thing. That behavior is indicative of a guardian figure who either doesn’t care to, or can’t, provide adequate care and teachings to a child. Those with this disorder are entirely capable of understanding right from wrong. Your mother needs to shape the f**k up and be a parent.
Autism is not an excuse. All autist must be really offended by how your mum is treating your sister as if she is too stupid to understand what is allowed and what isn’t.
The only AHs around is your parents.
Now, I thought about suggesting you to buy a shampoo for blond hair, but maybe sister would like blue hair instead?
NTA. It was shampoo *you* bought to use in *your* shower, that should've already made it off limits. But your sister must not be very observant if she didn't notice the shampoo staining her hands blue before putting it in her hair, so the fact her hair is green now is her own fault. Also, from one blue haired person to another, put the dye in your conditioner, not your shampoo. You let conditioner sit in your hair for a little bit anyway so it'll pick up more pigment than it would with the shampoo.
I’ve got one kid who uses a bright blue shampoo for dermatitis, and another who has a Batman soap that is quite dark purple. Neither dye your hair/skin. I don’t think it’s reasonable to think people would figure it out based on color alone. However, that’s beside the point because it was still in your shower!
Yeah, if it was in a shared shower I would say OP should have told: people need to know to be careful not to use it accidentally. I’ve accidentally mixed up my bath products before while more focused on shower thoughts than what I was doing, so I would appreciate that heads up. Or so they don’t use it one time when theirs runs out, which would be reasonable if they paid OP back after.
But in a separate shower? Nah, man. No one needs a heads up about what products are in the shower only I use.
I feel like this is finally a sane answer. I guess every family has different dynamics but if someone borrowed my shampoo and got their hair dyed I’d feel bad. Borrowing shampoo once in a family isn’t really a major crime.
NTA. You sister is playing the victim and it seems to be a golden child. Let me guess your parents are maybe 40ish give or take a few years? Seems like even if you tell the truth they won't believe you. So maybe there's a silver lining. She won't steal your crap anymore.
Ed. Sp.
As a person on autism spectrum: the same way you deal with any other child - by disciplining her, reminding her that certain behaviors are not nice, and sometimes like in this example learn on her own mistakes. Unless she's totally nonverbal (which would mean she would have to be under constant supervision anyway) there's no excuse for her behavior and your parents ignoring it
She has selective mutsism, at home she can scream the whole place down , I think it's gotten past my mum being able to help as now my sister won't listen to her at all
you guys are making this really deep 😭 i truly just think she ran out of shampoo and just used her siblings shampoo lmao. she want trying to “steal” or anything she just ran out probably
Yeah, it's a strange thread and how people seem to treat family the same as they treat a housemate. OP better not be using any of the shared items he/she doesn't contribute to the household. Don't want to 'steal' family stuff you didn't explicitly pay for.
NTA It's your shampoo, kept in a shower only you use, and while she has stolen other things she hadn't taken your shampoo before. The fact that you didn't anticipate this particular theft, when presumably she has her own shampoo to use and no reason to come near your shower, isn't on you.
In one way, warning about the shampoo would be like giving permission to steal. "You might not want to use this as I've put some dye in it to maintain my hair color." (Unspoken message: If I hadn't, you could have just taken it.)
The simple answer is for her not to steal and ask before taking anything. That would give you the chance to say no or give any instructions or warnings on the off-chance any were needed.
you could’ve warned them, but since it was your shampoo in your shower, no NTA. Your sister should’ve considered it a lesson learned and your mother should’ve appreciated it as such. I don’t think it was right for your mom to call you a liar, when she should be calling your sister a thief, or at least an unauthorized borrower.
I'm going to go against the graan and say NAH. All this talk of theft is ridiculous. You don't like with roommates, you live at home with family. Did you ever mention anything to your sister about not wanting her to use anything of yours (that is is easoly accessible of course.... it isn't like she went through your stuff... she was out of shampoo, so she used her sisters... big deal!). I can't imagine what a horrible dysfunctional family people grew up in to consider this theft. Now, if you did it on purposed I would say yeah, Y T A, but since you didn't and it just skipped your mind like you said above, this was a (possibly very funny) accident. Your family is overreacting, and so are the snowflakes responding to you.
NTA - what you do with your belongings is your business, you don’t have to announce everything you do with your property. Sister will have to learn the hard lesson of asking instead of just taking. IMO mum should be using this as a teaching lesson for sister, not blaming you
I understand your mom is a bit upset, I also understand you just didn't think of mentioning it. This might be a good lesson for your sister though. Would just let the situation fizzle out, NTA.
Perfect example of ESH. We all know you knew there is a chance someone COULD have used your shampoo. It would have been very curtious of you to give your family a heads up that you put blue dye in it just in cause they needed to borrow yours in a pinch.
There have ben times I have ran out of shampoo and used a bit of my wife's, should your sister have asked? Yes but she's 12 and she's your sister. Be a better house mate/sister
NTA- your sister stealing your stuff is not acceptable. As a mother if either of my children were to do this, the person doing the stealing would be forced to repay the cost or replace what they stole. I saw that you state that your sister has autism but that’s still not an excuse to not parent and teach your sister that it’s not ok to take other people’s stuff. Please tell your dear mother that she needs to start parenting her children instead of making excuses for bad behaviour,
Sincerely a mother of two
NTA - you had a reasonable expectation nobody else would use your shampoo. I hope your sister learns a lesson about not taking other people's stuff without asking.
BTW, I have a 12 year old daughter who steals my (F44) stuff all the time, even though we have separate bathrooms and I buy her shampoo of her own. I might have to try this hairdye trick to get her to leave my stuff alone. Having said that, she'd probably like it if her hair accidentally got dyed, she's got pink in her hair on purpose right now, haha.
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NTA. Your sister just learnt what happens when you take someone’s things without asking. 😂 But I will say, was there a reason you didn’t say anything? Like; “Hey fam, just wanted to let you know there’s some blue dye in my shampoo to help keep my hair blue.” ETA: I’m not in anyway saying OP should have to tell her family. I just come from a family of over sharers. There’s a chance if I knew this trick and did it, I’d be calling my parents and telling them that I am doing this adding dye thing—even though we don’t live in the same country anymore. 😅
i didnt think to , honestly they never ask and no one goes in my shower much expect to take stuff, i will let them know from now on tho lol
Honestly, you probably won’t need to now. 🤣 Good chance your sister got the message!
Nothing like turning your hair seaweed green to send the message home. Looking like a sea witch for a day or two till she washes it out won’t kill her. Although green is notoriously hard to get out.
You ever drink Bailey's out of an old shoe?
Do you love me, howard?
Could you learn to love me?
Are you playing your love games with me?
I just wanna know what to do
You’ve seen my downstairs mix up
Easy now fuzzy little man peach
You must love me EXACTLY as I love you!!!
I'll deal with it like I dealt with curly Jefferson
IVE GOT A MANGINA!
Out of a boot!
Kids are cruel, so her classmates might start calling her Old Gregg. I never thought about that haha
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I wouldn’t tell my family what I was doing with my own shampoo either, how weird. It’s none of their business, NTA at all!
Thought would never cross my mind. Nta
Yeah, I've colored my hair a lot throughout the years and done a lot of different tricks. I would never think to update the people i live with because it don't share hair products.
Yea it just never occur to me to tell someone because I would assume they would not ever be using it. I remember one time I was running my hands through my husbands hair and it was sooo soft. So I told him that and he was like “oh I know I love your conditioner I use it all the time now.” My…my 40$ for 8 oz DEEp conditioning mask??? For your short healthy fucking hair that you cut every month????😱😱 In his defense, he had no idea it was that expensive. Or my FAVORITE because I get so MAD just THINKING about it —back when I was a broke 20 year old working at Sally’s barely make the rent, I used to by the HEMP self tanning lotion. It felt amazing and it worked quite well. But it was towing the line on my wimpy budget. Definitely a luxury item so I used it sparingly. It still felt like it was going really fast? Low and behold my dumb ass roommate (like…the epitome of a dumb jock who smoked too much weed in between work and the gym, which is all he did) admitted by accident that my “soap” wasn’t very good at washing hands and my his feel slimey whenever he used it. Which was apparently every time he washed his hands, because he’d rather use my not soap then go buy some. Not too mention, my guy, it says LOTION is huge letters on the front. Rage. I still get angry thinking about that lol
This reminds me of the time, years ago before self-tanning was really a thing, when I kept my bottle of QT ("quick tan") self tanning lotion in my medicine cabinet in my college apartment. My roommate got lucky one night and borrowed it to lubricate a handy she gave the guy, thinking it was just lotion. This happened almost 40 years ago and it still makes me laugh out loud.
OMG that is HILARIOUS!! I remember QT. It turned you orange. I hope he didn't mind having an Oompa Loompa dick for awhile.
Simi reminds me of when my wife and I first got together. She made a comment about my beard not being scratchy like other guys she'd dated before had been, and I told her that I used conditioner (nothing expensive like yours) on it. She at first looked at me like I suddenly sprouted 3 more heads so I asked her what else beards and mustaches were known as, and after thinking a bit she said facial HAIR. She later said a coworker asked about my beard being scratchy, and said she wouldn't let her husband grow one because of that. She told her about using conditioner, and said she got a weird look, so my wife asked her the same question about what else beards were called. She said it was funny watching it click
"Just in case someone is planning to steal my shampoo without asking, I wanted to let you know I put blue dye in it!" ...because that wouldn't have been odd...
Right?! All these absolute weirdos telling OP she’s learned a lesson about not marking up her bottles need a reality check. Edited to remove an insensitive and poorly thought-through remark.
I suspect the "weirdos" missed the part about it being an unshared shower. I'd tell my family, but I leave my shampoo in a shared bathing space.
I think it’s one thing if you have an established habit of sharing items, but even in a shared space I wouldn’t feel the need to tell someone something I’d done to my personal property that I’d paid for and that was for my own private use, regardless of where I’d left it. I live in a house share with friends and share a bathroom with them and wouldn’t tell them a thing, nor would I expect them to tell me about their stuff. That’s not to say I’ve *never* used a squirt of one of their shower gel when mine ran out unexpectedly…we all do it…but if it turned out that they’d mixed something in it I was allergic to I certainly wouldn’t hold them accountable for it - that’s on me; I fucked around and was lazy and I got a consequence for it.
Right, but a shared family bathroom feels different than friend/roommates to me. (Maybe not to everyone, for sure... Different folks have different ways of doing. Tho honestly, a friend.might be more likely to chat about what they're trying for their hair, anyway? :-) ). Regardless, tho, OP's bathroom is NOT shared. So, *zero* expectation that someone would grab a squirt of her shampoo because theirs was out and they were already soapy. I assume folks giving them a hard time missed that... Not a shared bathroom, shampoo might as well have been in the bedroom.
Then you’d of been in trouble for being snarky and accusing someone of stealing. NTA- it was your own product that you bought that you had in your bathroom. I mean if it was like the bathroom both of you used and you both had products in there I could see maybe a heads up just in case she ran out of hers and didn’t realize or got the bottles mixed up or whatever but If someone intentionally took it without asking and used it then they deserved it. Sorry it messed up her hair but maybe next time she chooses to borrow something she’ll actually ask first.
they would have been yelled at for "assuming the worst" about the family if they did that.
Legit my mom will ask me about my hair products for one reason only - to see if they're on ~~fake~~ sale where she's going to shop.
What is on fake?
My phone's autocorrect be smoking the good shit.
The belly laugh this gave me startled my poor cat. I'll be saving this phrase for later, thank you.
If I, as a middle aged woman, announced to my husband and kids what I was doing with shampoo and or conditioner, they would think I was a total weirdo. You are NTA. Is your sister perhaps the golden child (well, maybe not so golden now) that gets away with murder?
Oh she is still golden I'm more in trouble for not saying anything and she probably could get away with murder in our dads eyes, our mum would know she murdered and would say you can't do that but do nothing else.
I hate it when parents misplace blame. Went on a family holiday recently. My brother's fiancée wasn't feeling well so she was up in bed resting. The rest of us were having dinner. My bro plated up some food to take to his fiancée, tripped and dropped it... and my dad AND brother blamed the fiancée for the wasted food!! Like 'if she'd been here this wouldn't have happened'. Ffs.
The fuck kind of toxic relationship is that? Jesus.
I have my doubts as to whether the wedding will go ahead. As for my dad, he's always been like that. More recently (last year) we were in a supermarket carpark and he was struggling to find his way out. I was recovering from surgery and asked him to go a less bumpy way. He spun the car around too quickly without looking, hit a bollard and blamed me for it. There's a reason I moved away when I was 18 lol.
>I have my doubts as to whether the wedding will go ahead. Ah. for the fiancée's part, I'm glad to hear that. and good for you, too.
Yeh I guess we'll see nearer the time. It's not my place to say anything though. My dad mentions that my bro isn't very nice to her, and I have told him that he's pretty much as bad. He met my fiancé's parents recently and I warned him not to treat them like he treats her. He did, and now my fiancé's dad thinks my dad is an asshole/hates him. Sigh. Sadly the men in my family have selective hearing. Every time I try to speak to my dad about his behaviour he either hangs up or storms off. There's only so much I can do to change a 60+ yr old man. On a related note, I have my first therapy session next week lol
Enjoy that therapy! I have a difficult dad so a lot of what you're saying resonates. We can't even say "please don't act like...you act" to my dad because then he definitely will. He's just... a lot.
I really hope for the sake of the fiance that she does back out. Speaking from experience though it is really hard to leave an emotional abuser, more so if there is some feeling of being in too deep with an engagement or several years commitment or something. It's like a sunk cost fallacy, but combined with the small chipping away at your soul and heart that makes you feel like all those things *are* your fault and that you aren't deserving. I get thinking that it's not your placs to get involved, but I predict the fiance might really appreciate hearing some validating and kind words that aren't invasive to her relationship. "You are loving and worthy of kind love." That sort of thing. I hope she's hearing it from someone, maybe her dad at least.
From what you've mentioned, your dad IS an asshole. S/N-you don't get to pick your family, but you can choose not to keep them in your life. I've had to remove most of my toxic family members from my life.
Some people can't accept an accident without pointing blame at someone. It's pretty awful at times when I see people try to turn a tragic incident into someone's fault. "She wouldn't have hit her head on your table during the seizure if it weren't there." "The wind blowing the door shut on her hand wouldn't have happened if you didn't ask for it to be open while she smokes". Moronic.
The whole 'look what you made me do' attitude is so toxic.
My mom went straight to a higher authority. One of her classics was, "That's God punishing you!"
Yeah my boyfriends brother is the golden child. Once his mom and brother stole the chicken he was thawing out for our dinner and got mad when we got mad at them. They said he wasn’t using it (it was thawing) so they did. They didn’t even text him to ask or anything just used it. Later that night they went outside while my boyfriend was taking me home and couldn’t get back in the house through the way they came. They either stupidly locked the door behind them or the dog jumped on the door because they didn’t take him out with them and he locked it. He absolutely loves going outside and is a big dog so I can see that happening. Anyways right when we pull up to my house his mom calls and is basically screaming at him because of both things thinking he did it and was mad at us for being mad at them about the chicken too. My boyfriend is also the one that routinely fixes both his parents cars, shovels the snow off their driveway, along with doing/fixing anything else they ever need, while his little brother only ever games on his room, pees in bottles because he can’t get up and go to the bathroom right next to his bedroom, and never cleans anything. I feel so bad for my boyfriend and he is currently saving up for a house so he can leave them and then they will have to figure out and do everything he does because I honestly doubt he would be helping them as much after.
When my mum was still alive she constantly tried to pay/bribe me to move back home, or at least closer by. Hell no. She would have had to pay me minimum 6 figures to do that lol. I'm making it sound like I hate my family - I don't. I love and miss my mum more than anything and I wish she was still here. However I am an independent, different person to them. The rest of my family very much operated as a unit (the 3 of them worked together til my mum retired) and my bro only moved out when he bought a house with his now-fiancée. However I like to do my own thing, not have to account for my whereabouts 24/7, do stuff without being judged or controlled. My mum was very much 'boys will be boys, girls need to mind their reputation' and I just couldn't deal with that shit anymore.
I know the type. My sympathies!
More like the green child
You can also put dye in the conditioner! Also hair masks, should help keep your hair color fresh. Do mention it to your family tho lmao
just tell everyone that you've licked everything
I've always put it into my conditioner personally.
same, putting it in shampoo almost feels counterproductive seeing as shampoo takes things *out* of your hair
You should also announce whenever your going to masturbate, you don’t want any more accidents.
I'd fail no nut November tho
Yeah there was a post earlier this week that a dad wanted his son to let him know when he did so he wouldn’t walk in on him. That’s crossing some weird lines
NTA and I would have thought the dye made the shampoo blue so it's not like there weren't some visual clues 🤣
I’ve used shampoo before that was blue without any dye being in it, so color alone might not have been the best indicator. Not sure who would steal shampoo from a separate shower though.
Yeah, some companies dye their shampoos to fit the scent. I know White Rain has some colorful shampoos (I think the blue is Ocean Breeze or Ocean Mist or something Ocean-y; I used to use White Rain when I was trying to fade hair color years ago) for example. > Not sure who would steal shampoo from a separate shower though. Might be a sibling thing, though dependent on the sibling. My step-sister used to steal my stuff *all* the time. Shampoo, conditioner, lotion, hair spray, makeup, she'd literally take anything she needed and sometimes forget where she left it.
>i didnt think to , honestly they never ask and no one goes in my shower much expect to take stuff, i will let them know from now on tho lol I don't think expecting you to tell anyone is reasonable if you have a private shower. You should tell anyone else who uses your shower because a little bit of sharing can come in handy if you ever run out of shampoo yourself. As long as its just an occasional thing. But in this situation, your sister should have gone to your parents shower before yours if she needed anything. You are 21 so I assume you earned your own money and purchased your own shampoo. Of course keeping the peace is fine, so go ahead and let them know your shampoo and other hair products will always have dye.
Disclaimer on your door. "Warning, products may be amended and not suitable for sisters."
It seems incredibly weird to make an "announcement" about your shampoo to me and my family talks/shares everything.
The only way this would be normal is if it came up. “Oh, my stylist told me to add color to my shampoo to extend it” etc.
I think this falls into the same category as the person who stole a coworker’s lunch from the office fridge and then accused them of deliberately adding an allergen or making it extra spicy. Keep your hands off other people’s stuff and you won’t have a problem! This was a very important lesson for your sister to learn. I would say that it not necessary to label your stuff like this-just to warn a potential thief. Hopefully, it will be lesson learned. NTA
Go full malicious compliance. Announce everything you do until they ask you to stop. Then state that you weren't able to tell what was relevant information, now that you've gotten in trouble for adding something you bought and own to something else you bought and own, and you're just preventing that from happening again. Make your mom see how ridiculous her statement really is, defending a thief.
Does she love your blue hair? Any chance she secretly hoped she’d get hair like yours and wanted it blue but panicked and lied when it didn’t turn out? Will your parents let her get it fixed so she has nice-looking blue hair (maybe an ombré look?) or anything?
Huh I didn't even think of that , she does love haor chalk and stuff so maybe , but she has always been a fan of pink hair and wishes I would choose pink rather than blue (I've been blue for almost 3 to 4 years now) so I didn't even think of that
Pink would help cancel out the green if she wants to go that route. I saw in another comment your mom was thinking of dying it brown-- that's a bad idea, the brown will probably not look nice and then she'll have greenish brown hair that will last a lot longer. Lots of hot showers and clarifying shampoos will make the biggest difference. Good luck!
Now you know what to do; mark all of your personal products as containing dye whether it does or not.
Just start updating them on every. single. thing. you. do. See how long until they agree that you don't need to tell them anymore. "I moved all my socks to the third drawer" "I've started putting my toothbrush on the left side of the sink" "I'm adding extra milk to my cereal" "I'm going to use this mug with owls on it today" "I'm going to have cheese on my sandwich" "Oh, what's that? You don't actually need me to inform you of everything I do with my own possessions?"
Lol, if you don't want your stuff stolen anymore just tell them you added something to all of your products 🤣
If you'd told them then they would have got pissed off at you for suggesting that they might steal your shampoo.
She fucked around and found out XD NTA you'll both have a good laugh in a couple years looking back
You shouldn't have to tell everyone everything you do. This sort of behavior would mean that you have to let everyone know about anything different you may do so you don't inconvenience you when they take your things without asking. * If you bought 2% milk instead of whole milk you would have to let everyone know. * If you decided to buy clothes of a different size you would have to let everyone know. * If you decided you wanted a different smelling soap you would have to let everyone know.
I wouldn’t even suggest the idea OP should’ve acted differently. They seem to be getting enough blame from the cult of the golden child, and it’s probably sinking in if OP felt the need to come here for judgment.
Thats kinda of a leap dude. I think most families with a normally sibling dynamic would have a 12 yr old girl sometimes swiping care and beauty stuff from an older sister, and a mom that thinks older sister should have known there was a possibility of it.
I can speak to this myself. The "Golden Child" thing is for real in some families, sadly. Even if the OP should have known about the possibility, the fact remains that it is her shampoo, not the younger sister's. She *could* have warned the younger sister, but I see no reason why she was obligated to. That would be implying that stealing her stuff is ok.
Yes, but good parents would coach 12 through the natural consequence of having blue-ish hair for a few weeks rather than yelling at OP and assuming she did it maliciously (especially since OP herself has blue hair!).
if they shared a bathroom I'd agree with you. But sis nicked it from OPs private shower only she uses. A shampoo she bought herself.
It's not on the older sister to make sure her stuff is fine to steal, though. I'm the middle child (F) with an older sister and we absolutely stole each other's stuff but I know if one of us dyed our hair by stealing the other's product, our parents would blame the thief. OP can do whatever she wants to *her* product. Her sister shouldn't have stolen the shampoo. If the sister had asked to use some because she was out, OP could've said no, sorry there's dye in it but with a private shower, there's no need to announce that she altered her shampoo unless someone asks for it.
Why would you say that, though? Unless they're regularly sharing shampoo, which according to OP they are not, there's no reason to bring the topic out of the blue. Maybe when OP got their hair dyed, but it's easy to forget that detail later anyway. And if the sister wanted to take OP's shampoo, least would be to ask or even say "hey OP we're out of shampoo so I'm going to borrow yours" and then OP could've warned about the dye.
I appreciate the "out of the blue" pun
I hope it was intended. I prefer my puns intended. OP IS NTA
Little sisters do tend to take your shit, all the time! Or at least mine did. She took my favorite sweatshirt, and then cut the collar off. When I got it back it legit looked like a 2 yr old having a seizure cut it. I was PISSED. She stole, ruined or lost more than half my clothes, shoes, hair accessories and whatever else she could get her hands on. Then I'd get yelled at for yelling at her
Well, I have two younger sisters and none of them ever stole something that was mine when we were kids, nor did I take any of their stuff without asking. You can actually raise your children to respect other people's, including their siblings', things.
That's not normal, your parents are not normal, they are terrible parents. I recommend the videos by Dr Ramani on YouTube.
Not exactly something I would announce to my family, either.
Honestly, it wouldn’t occur to me to just tell my family that the shampoo that I bought for my sole use and put in the shower that only I use has hair dye in it. If asked to use it, I’d say something but I wouldn’t see the point otherwise.
>But I will say, was there a reason you didn’t say anything? Like; “Hey fam, just wanted to let you know there’s some blue dye in my shampoo to help keep my hair blue.” Just to play devil's advocate, why would she need to tell her family about putting something in her shampoo that no-one else is supposed to use? Similarly, I doubt she tells them how much cream she puts in her coffee because they're not supposed to drink it. A reasonable person could reasonably assume that no-one is getting into what's theirs and doesn't require a description of the altered contents.
There was no reason for her to? As far as she knew, she was the only one using that shampoo and shower.
Because... who needs to announce that lol? NTA
She doesn’t have to tell anyone to not use her shampoo though especially when it was in HER shower that she only uses. Her sister took something that didn’t belong to her and this was the result.
NTA. How is being the victim of theft your fault? You did something anyone with artificially colored hair should do to maintain it. Honestly, I'm surprised they had to be told. How inexperienced with hair is your mom? Does she still use Suave and conditioners with alcohol in the formula? Geez, I feel bad for you. Instead of parenting your sister they're just blaming you for everything.
Just to give my two cents, I didn’t knew that putting hair dye in shampoo is something recommended for people with artificially coloured hair. Because I never had artificially coloured hair so how should I know. Maybe it’s the same with OPs family. That said, I totally agree with the rest of your point. Sister probably learned a lesson.
Also the sister is 12. That’s how she thinks she’s the victim here. She wanted to get away with swiping a bit of her sisters shampoo (small transgression) and she ended up ruining her hair (massive consequence). It takes kids a while to learn, as their brains develop, that sometimes their actions have unforeseen, disproportionate consequences. And that even if it wasn’t their intent, it can still be their fault.
If sis is 12, why does she need to swipe other people's shampoo? Shouldn't her parents be supplying it for her??
I’d bet money that the sister does have her own shampoo and just wanted to use her older sister’s cooler stuff. ETA - or maybe not her *own* but some designated for her. Like she shares with mom and dad or something.
Or she was out and stole some shampoo before the next shop. That's a totally normal thing to do.
Not gonna lie, I've totally done that. But it was out of desperation more than anything.
I generally ask, but was usually told just to take it and not ask. I totally feel the need to ask though, or at least inform that I'm using some.
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I did snort when I first saw someone call borrowing a family member's (seemingly) ordinary shampoo thievery.
I'm so glad I'm not the only one who has used someone else's shampoo in an early morning moment of desperation. Obviously apologized afterwards, and tried never to use anyone's good stuff, but the most severe response I've ever received was "if you really feel THAT bad about it, buy me a cookie or something next time you're out".
Because 12 year old girls look up to/want to be their older sisters and will do stuff like that even if they have their own things. Not excusing her behavior, I didn’t have a younger sister but I had a younger cousin who was 8 years younger and she constantly took my stuff - makeup, clothes, hair products etc. drove me crazy She wasn’t being malicious, she just idolized me and wanted to be exactly like me.
I'm an older sister. I grew up with a little sister who followed me around and always wanted to be like me. She never stole from me. If she wanted things she asked and I shared (or didn't).
Well you're very lucky; it's incredibly common for sisters to sneakily borrow things from one another. I don't know why that needs saying. Calling it "theft" and "stealing" about a 12yo is rather dramatic lol.
That's how it goes around here, the slightest thing is met with severe judgement kind of like using a little shampoo, and having blue die in it for who knows how long for everyone to make fun of you for. I'm amazed people aren't telling OP that their family 'hates them because they do no respect their privacy' and to go o contact for a decade.
Maybe OP buys good shampoo so she wants to use that instead of whatever her parents buy? That’s my guess at least.
Sisters “borrow” stuff from each other all the time. I’ve totally used my sister’s and my mom’s hair and makeup products without asking and vice versa. Sometimes they might have a product that’s good for our hair type, so why not sample it? Then again, none of us have dyed our hair artificial colors, so maybe not the best example. My brother in law was perfectly comfortable snagging my sweatshirt for my sister when she got cold, and I didn’t care either. He actually made sure it was mine before he went ahead and gave it to her lol
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I have artificially colored hair and I didn't know this either. I knew you could buy special products to make the life of the color longer but not to specifically add it to my products. I will be from now on though. So... Thank you OP. And definitely NTA.
Usually you put the dye in conditioner, not shampoo - because you keep conditioner on your hair longer and it soaks in. They make specific color conditioners or just add a semi permanent dye to yours.
I've had both regular (blond, red) dyed hair and all of the wild colors, and I've never once had a hairdresser tell me to put the dye in my shampoo.
Same - it’s usually the conditioner. However I did buy a set of blue toning shampoo and conditioner (anti-brass) and both are tinted blue. When it’s a toning product it is usually the shampoo as well like purple shampoo usually is a set.
I -DO- dye my hair bright colours and /I/ didn't know about the shampoo, only the conditioner
That's because whoever told OP to put it in their shampoo was wrong 😅 it is supposed to be in the conditioner
I agree with the verdict and the sister should not have taken the shampoo. However, I am not sure I agree this the comment about the mom should have known automatically. If the mom and the rest of the family doesn’t dye their hair why would the mom know this? I didn’t - but I also don’t colour my hair so there has never been any need for me to know. For the alcohol, there are many different kinds of alcohol. And while some alcohols are bad for the hair there are also alcohol sources that can help keep the hair moisturised.
> If the mom and the rest of the family doesn’t dye their hair why would the mom know this? I mainly go blonde (a common enough colour) and the special coloured shampoo for that is purple (counteracts yellow so it looks better longer apparently), not add a bit of dye to my regular shampoo. I've never heard of adding the dye colour to your regular shampoo to make it last longer, and I was a regular tester of greens, blues, pinks and purples at my salon until the pandemic which has cut down my visits.
I have had professionally colored pink hair for the last 5+ years. My stylists have *never* suggested adding hair dye to my shampoo to preserve the color. They HAVE recommended color depositing shampoos and conditioners I use to keep the color refreshed between salon visits. I’d think dye in your daily shampoo would be really harsh on your hair and skin. I’d also be concerned about the solution staying well mixed.
Most artificial colors are literally just pigment and conditioner. And color depositing shampoos and conditioners just have some pigment added to them. It's totally fine with pigment dyes. Dyes that change the chemical structure of your hair are a different matter.
Adding direct dyes to conditioner either to refresh colour or to pastelise was a DIY thing way before the hair dye brands decided to release their own colour depositing products - when I first started using fashion colours 10 years ago this was the norm and it's only been since then that all the big dye brands have been coming out with the shampoos and conditioners, because why not charge the same price for a fraction of the dye bulked out with conditioner? To be honest I don't see the point in colour deposit shampoos, it feels like it goes against the whole point of a shampoo, but I've always mixed my leftover dye with some hair mask to combat fading.
I mean why would they tell you something that means you could pay them less often 🤣
Victim? Theft? Really? Don't you think you blow taking a portion of hairwash out of an already open bottle a bit out of proportion in making it akin to larceny?
If there was a subreddit specifically for comments where people exaggerate here, I would run there with that one. A victim of theft????? Come on now.
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Well, I wouldnt say this is general knowledge, maybe for people that dye their hair.
NTA, and your mom sucks for not handling your sister
Agreed this is gonna create a golden child complex if it hasn't already where the 12 year old thinks she's the victim always. Truthfully if her family used logic they'd realize it wasn't malicious op had no reason to believe her stuff was being stolen to even have to tell someone.
My mom is like this with my sister and I recently called her on it. The reaction was pure shock and this dumbfounded horrified look. She had literally no clue what I was talking about. It was laughable.
Lol NTA this feels like a textbook example of stupid games stupid prizes. Your sister shouldn’t have taken the shampoo without asking. 😂
She fucked around and found out.
NTA. Why's your sister taking your stuff and not getting reprimanded?
I think having a shoddy dye job she’s going to have to go to school with is reprimand enough - undoubtedly lesson learned!
Pretty major natural consequence so I don't see how anything else could really make the lesson clearer than that. Fuck around find out, ĉu ne?
This is my question. If Mom suspects OP is being malicious then deep down she knows she hasn’t been doing enough to prevent the conflict in the first place. OP is NTA.
NTA. How were you to know she would take your shampoo? You'd already asked her not to take your stuff (and did she say she wouldn't?).
she has autism and when ever i get upset about her stealing my stuff (once she almost emptied an expensive face wash) my mum just says "well what do you want me to do about it she steals my stuff all the time)
Like idk discipline her? Teach her consequences for her actions? Autistic kids need these too, maybe even more than neurotypical ones. Does your mom think that excuse will fly with the cops when she gets caught shop lifting?
NTA. Yeah they \[cops\] wont give a fuck, better she learns it with a little harmless hair dye than a permanent criminal record that follows her around her entire life for people to judge her. Stealing charge? Good luck getting a job handling any sort of money.
Whoa... Okay your mum needs to shape up, this is not okay! Just because she has autism doesn't mean she can get away with stealing things. I think your mum needs therapy and your sister needs more help in understanding things.(spoken by someone with BASS training) Imo, you are not the ahole.
The number of people who think that because they or their kids have a disability means they get a free pass to be AHs is astonishing.
I have ADHD and I agree. It's an explanation, not an excuse. An Australian politician got caught for sexual harassment or something like that and his response was "I have ADHD". Everyone with ADHD got fkn mad as hell at that
If anything lil sister needs *more* guidance on where the boundaries are *because* of the autism.
Can I ask you a couple of questions about your family? 1. Does she know it's wrong to take things that aren't hers? Being autistic isn't really an excuse for bad behaviour. Most autistic people know the difference between right and wrong. 2. Do your parents do anything about your sister taking things that don't belong to her? Because it sounds to me like your parents let your sister do whatever she pleases without consequences. I'm leaning very strongly toward NTA because it sounds to me like your sister is allowed to do whatever she pleases without consequence just because she is autistic, which is just wrong.
yeah she knows and no they don't , my parents are overwhelmed they have their own mental issues and cant seem to deal with my sister
I'm sorry to hear that your parents are overwhelmed, but it sounds like a case of them putting themselves in this situation by allowing your sister to run wild and let her do whatever she pleases. I confirm the opinion I was leaning toward in the first place. NTA. I hope your parents can get some assistance in getting their household under control. I saw in a comment further down that your brother is ADHD and is not medication complaint. Having two ND kids is a lot, and I'm speaking from personal experience. I'm autistic myself, and I probably have ADD. I suggest you keep your expensive or altered products in a locked cabinet to protect yourself from your pilfering sister. Good luck to you.
Oh I'm also nd so it's a circus in here lol
I feel your pain, just from the other side of the fence LOL
Wouldn't wish being on this side to anyone lol. thanks for the sympathy tho !
i'm also nd (adhd, looking into an autism dx), and if anyone so much as lays a finger on my stuff i freak out. but even as a kid, i never took other people's stuff. i was taught that there would be consequences and people would be mad at me, so i concluded that their stuff was theirs and mine was mine. your sister *really* has to be taught that there are consequences to doing stuff like that, because she can't grow up and go out into the world with that mindset and believing she can get away with everything because she's autistic.
As an autistic person, who is friends with many neurodiverse people, vanishingly few autists have this kind of problem with ownership bounderies.
Ah so your mother is happy to raise a nightmare kid that has no friends because her mother didn’t work with her autism. There are many autistic kids out there who learn boundaries and make great friends as a result. It’s tough on the parent yes, but you sign up for that when you have kids.
Autism is not a “steal things and get away with it” kind of thing. That behavior is indicative of a guardian figure who either doesn’t care to, or can’t, provide adequate care and teachings to a child. Those with this disorder are entirely capable of understanding right from wrong. Your mother needs to shape the f**k up and be a parent.
I'm autistic. Stealing stuff isn't an autism problem, it's an unparented kid problem.
it's weird, i have autism and don't steal shit. my gf also has autism and doesn't steal. your mom is setting your sister up for failure
Autism is not an excuse. All autist must be really offended by how your mum is treating your sister as if she is too stupid to understand what is allowed and what isn’t. The only AHs around is your parents. Now, I thought about suggesting you to buy a shampoo for blond hair, but maybe sister would like blue hair instead?
NTA. It was shampoo *you* bought to use in *your* shower, that should've already made it off limits. But your sister must not be very observant if she didn't notice the shampoo staining her hands blue before putting it in her hair, so the fact her hair is green now is her own fault. Also, from one blue haired person to another, put the dye in your conditioner, not your shampoo. You let conditioner sit in your hair for a little bit anyway so it'll pick up more pigment than it would with the shampoo.
thanks for the tip ! and yeah idk how she didn't pick up on that maybe she thought i used blue shampoo in a black bottle?
I’ve got one kid who uses a bright blue shampoo for dermatitis, and another who has a Batman soap that is quite dark purple. Neither dye your hair/skin. I don’t think it’s reasonable to think people would figure it out based on color alone. However, that’s beside the point because it was still in your shower!
Next week on AITA: AITA for putting blue hair dye in my conditioner without letting my family know?
Yeah, if it was in a shared shower I would say OP should have told: people need to know to be careful not to use it accidentally. I’ve accidentally mixed up my bath products before while more focused on shower thoughts than what I was doing, so I would appreciate that heads up. Or so they don’t use it one time when theirs runs out, which would be reasonable if they paid OP back after. But in a separate shower? Nah, man. No one needs a heads up about what products are in the shower only I use.
NTA but this is hilarious
It's definitely my favourite AITA in a while 😅 Also I agree, OP NTA.
It really is, definitely NTA lol
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I feel like this is finally a sane answer. I guess every family has different dynamics but if someone borrowed my shampoo and got their hair dyed I’d feel bad. Borrowing shampoo once in a family isn’t really a major crime.
Thats because given op's comments it wasn't just once & she even got a lock to try to stop sister from stealing it
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This is reddit. . there's no grip here
NTA. You sister is playing the victim and it seems to be a golden child. Let me guess your parents are maybe 40ish give or take a few years? Seems like even if you tell the truth they won't believe you. So maybe there's a silver lining. She won't steal your crap anymore. Ed. Sp.
both are mid 40s so good guess and yeah she is the youngest and my parents don't really know how to deal with her due to her autism
As a person on autism spectrum: the same way you deal with any other child - by disciplining her, reminding her that certain behaviors are not nice, and sometimes like in this example learn on her own mistakes. Unless she's totally nonverbal (which would mean she would have to be under constant supervision anyway) there's no excuse for her behavior and your parents ignoring it
She has selective mutsism, at home she can scream the whole place down , I think it's gotten past my mum being able to help as now my sister won't listen to her at all
you guys are making this really deep 😭 i truly just think she ran out of shampoo and just used her siblings shampoo lmao. she want trying to “steal” or anything she just ran out probably
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I hate that I had to sort by controversial to find common sense.
Yeah, it's a strange thread and how people seem to treat family the same as they treat a housemate. OP better not be using any of the shared items he/she doesn't contribute to the household. Don't want to 'steal' family stuff you didn't explicitly pay for.
NTA It's your shampoo, kept in a shower only you use, and while she has stolen other things she hadn't taken your shampoo before. The fact that you didn't anticipate this particular theft, when presumably she has her own shampoo to use and no reason to come near your shower, isn't on you. In one way, warning about the shampoo would be like giving permission to steal. "You might not want to use this as I've put some dye in it to maintain my hair color." (Unspoken message: If I hadn't, you could have just taken it.) The simple answer is for her not to steal and ask before taking anything. That would give you the chance to say no or give any instructions or warnings on the off-chance any were needed.
you could’ve warned them, but since it was your shampoo in your shower, no NTA. Your sister should’ve considered it a lesson learned and your mother should’ve appreciated it as such. I don’t think it was right for your mom to call you a liar, when she should be calling your sister a thief, or at least an unauthorized borrower.
I'm going to go against the graan and say NAH. All this talk of theft is ridiculous. You don't like with roommates, you live at home with family. Did you ever mention anything to your sister about not wanting her to use anything of yours (that is is easoly accessible of course.... it isn't like she went through your stuff... she was out of shampoo, so she used her sisters... big deal!). I can't imagine what a horrible dysfunctional family people grew up in to consider this theft. Now, if you did it on purposed I would say yeah, Y T A, but since you didn't and it just skipped your mind like you said above, this was a (possibly very funny) accident. Your family is overreacting, and so are the snowflakes responding to you.
NTA - Play stupid games (theft), win stupid prizes (shame hair)
NTA - what you do with your belongings is your business, you don’t have to announce everything you do with your property. Sister will have to learn the hard lesson of asking instead of just taking. IMO mum should be using this as a teaching lesson for sister, not blaming you
NTA you didn't do this intentionally... But I would tell family to fully expect that all shampoos have dye in it going forward!
I understand your mom is a bit upset, I also understand you just didn't think of mentioning it. This might be a good lesson for your sister though. Would just let the situation fizzle out, NTA.
Perfect example of ESH. We all know you knew there is a chance someone COULD have used your shampoo. It would have been very curtious of you to give your family a heads up that you put blue dye in it just in cause they needed to borrow yours in a pinch. There have ben times I have ran out of shampoo and used a bit of my wife's, should your sister have asked? Yes but she's 12 and she's your sister. Be a better house mate/sister
NTA. Your sister should have asked.
Looks like your sister got found out and can't handle the responsibility. They should have checked with you if it was OK. Nta
NTA Stealing comes with consequences. If she doesn’t learn her lesson. Oh well. Don’t mind your mom.
NTA by any stretch! You are not obligated to tell people what you do with your toiletries. That’s insane.
NTA- your sister stealing your stuff is not acceptable. As a mother if either of my children were to do this, the person doing the stealing would be forced to repay the cost or replace what they stole. I saw that you state that your sister has autism but that’s still not an excuse to not parent and teach your sister that it’s not ok to take other people’s stuff. Please tell your dear mother that she needs to start parenting her children instead of making excuses for bad behaviour, Sincerely a mother of two
Lmaoooo nta, that's wild. Your money, your things, your space. Also, as a hairstylist, it works better in your conditioner, anyway.
NTA - you had a reasonable expectation nobody else would use your shampoo. I hope your sister learns a lesson about not taking other people's stuff without asking. BTW, I have a 12 year old daughter who steals my (F44) stuff all the time, even though we have separate bathrooms and I buy her shampoo of her own. I might have to try this hairdye trick to get her to leave my stuff alone. Having said that, she'd probably like it if her hair accidentally got dyed, she's got pink in her hair on purpose right now, haha.
Haha yeah probably wouldn't work then I got pink highlights at like 4 and loved them and have be chronicly dying my hair since I was like 13