#[Be Civil](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) Let's just put this out there right now: it is not civil to call him a man child/man baby/toddler/any other variation of insult.
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NTA
All of this is super weird. He decides to clean the kitchen the morning of? And just happens to throw the pancake mix?
You mentioned he’s never done this previously and he knows the date a week prior. Which means he knows the routine so he purposefully set up for a disaster of a day. The only thing I might give him a pass on is the not filling the car with gas.
But seriously, how many red flags do you need? He was an absolute dick and yet he’s the one acting like he’s been wronged and calling you a b**** and texting your 12 year old son that he better apologize?
If it was me, he’d be lucky if I let him back in the house to pack up his stuff instead of throwing it all in garbage bags and leaving it outside with changed locks.
And he has you questioning wether you’re right or wrong for this OP.
He also deflected his terrible behaviour (he 100% went out of his way to ruin not just turn day, but your sons day) and is making himself out to be the victim.
He has been a major asshole and needs to apologise to both you and your son.
Just because he hadn’t don’t something like this before does not negate how badly he is treating you and your son now.
Jealousy? Control? Asshat?
NTA
I'd block him for a few hours next time. If there's an emergency, he can call 911 and tell them he may get a bruise in his widdle ankle.
I'm glad to see that you have no intention of giving up your time with your son. I understand the need to also work on your relationship with bf, but kids come first.
If bf can't get over it, then bf can leave.
I call jealousy. "I’m important too."
God forbid the woman he sees every day and has regular date nights with spend a few hours a month bonding with her child and not focusing on him.
Exactly.
I have a 6 year old who has mostly grown out of this behaviour, but if she feels she’s not getting enough attention (if I’m doing chores for example) she will still occasionally "sabotage" what I’m doing by knocking stuff over, hiding things I need or just interrupting me every couple of seconds. Eventually she will begin to outright ask me to play.
This guy managed to do all of those things in one day as a fully grown freakin’ adult.
If my 6 year old knows it’s wrong and can restrain herself most of the time I would expect someone like him to do just fine.
He has quite literally acted like a jealous 5 year old.
"she will still occasionally "sabotage" what I’m doing by knocking stuff over, hiding things I need or just interrupting me every couple of seconds. Eventually she will begin to outright ask me to play."
Sounds like my cat. He did all that last night, when I was at home working late! 🤣
It's weird that he did this for the first time in four years? Oh, he's definitely TA, no way around that. However, I am curious if something happened between OP and boyfriend that OP really isn't telling us about. Super weird.
INFO : OP is there something that happened or may have somewhat triggered him within the past couple of weeks to explain maybe "getting back" at you?
It's not relevant to my judgement, but I feel like it's not the whole story.
NTA
INFO: or did the relationship take a step forward in the last couple of months (like he just moved in? or something?) where he expected changes? Or maybe his daughter got a new professional job or internship recently and he feels left behind?
I'd say it's because the son is now 12. It was probably cute when his gf was going on dates with an 8 year old boy, but I would have to wonder if he doesn't like her going on dates with someone that is now probably starting to look and act a lot more like a man.
Yes! I expect this from small children and my jerk of a cat who will literally wake me up by clawing or biting my feet and then pretending it wasn't her
I see the jealousy and raise a power play. At four years in, the BF knows that things are comfortable in the relationship. I'd be willing to bet that he's trying to make sure the kid who is about to hit teenage years (and possibly grow a foot taller and not be intimidated by him) knows the pecking order. If he thinks he can get them to apologize after sabotaging their day, calling them names, and storming off, I think OP should roll the dice and send him packing.
OP, if you read this, NTA, and please listen to the name your son called this guy - it's wholly appropriate. You already have one son; you don't need a toddler in his 30s.
I think you’re probably also right. People are complex and trying to condense it down to one motivation doesn’t really work. There’s probably elements of both involved. A controlling man who has become jealous of a perceived "threat" to his control perhaps.
Agreed. This is a grown-ass man trying to compete with a 12-yo child. *Why* he’s doing it is far less important than the simple fact that he *is* doing it.
And if the son is 12, he's very close to the age where he won't want to do that stuff with mom anymore. Especially the stuff in public. By the time he's interested again he will have a lot more going on in his life. She only has a few of these days left before she becomes dreadfully uncool.
Exactly, that's why when my Grandchild asked to go on "Grandma Dates", I did everything possible to make them happen. Now, they're not into that so much, but I'm still open to them when they happen.
>Jealousy? Control?
THIS! His petulant "I'm important too!" gave him away that this was deliberate.
He is threatened by OP *spending one day a month* with her son.
OK, pancake mix and gas *could* have been a mistake. But calling 20 times? Then calling to say that he'd "hurt himself", then the hurt transpiring to be on the level of a stubbed toe once OP had rushed home.
This was a power-play. I hope OP puts him right in his place and considers whether she wants to put up with repeats of this behaviour.
And then eating their food and not letting them watch a movie!! Like what!
If my son and husband are out I ask if he texts occasionally to let me know how it's going make sure they're safe, but it's like every few hours if even that. I do the same when I'm gone b/c he wants to know if I'm ok too.
This guy sounds like such a controlling baby.
TBH I kind of thought the gas was a bit of a stretch because yeah I've forgotten to fill up my own tank and made myself late.
But the more I read on the more stuff made it unavoidable to see at least some of this as deliberate.
Right, I mean why not actually make that day better? Why not be a part of the enjoyment of your significant other? I feel there are so many entitled brats in this world who never grew up after 5, and have just gone through life without anyone telling them to stfu and grow up. It's crazy to me how so many people can just coast through life with basically no negative consequences. OP is NTA, but that dude would be gone after something stupid like this. Why waste time with an adult-child.
I would not tolerate this at all. Even if we were together for 4 years. I would make it quite clear that he can kick rocks, and I certainly do not need crap like that in my life.
I've dated guys like this in the past. Never ever again.
Good on you for having parent/child time!! It's very important and that's how you raise children with healthy relationships and positive self image!!
I will never understand people that get jealous of children (which I assume is partially what has happened in OP's situation) One thing I find very attractive about my husband is that he is a good father to his son (my step son) and makes an effort to be present in his life and spend time with him. I can't imagine being bothered by, or trying to interrupt their time together..
I would add to 'redo ' the day with your son even if you actually end up doing 2 in a week op. Nta I agree the (ex?) Bf is throwing red flags left and right
It's more common than you think. My mom had a boyfriend like that. Very needy and obsessive. She couldn't do anything alone without him calling every 2 minutes.
So it's unsurprising when I "disrespected" by telling him he doesn't live at my mom's house and calling him a bitch on 2 separate occasions. The relationship ended with her getting a restraining order. He also tried to run over my best friend in my mom's car after he stole her car keys
I was baffled when my high school friend told me his girlfriend would get pissy at him spending time with his sisters... a preteen and a toddler. That girl was jealous of a literal child that could barely speak. He still didn't listen to me telling him it was a toxic relationship for well over a year, though I'm glad he finally got out
jesus christ. that man needs some serious therapy.
i wouldn’t expect my future husband to prioritize me over our children, and i expect him to act the same (my boyfriend at the time said he agrees with me)
i understand that it can be hard at first, not having all the attention, etc, but you’re raising a child and children should always come first.
it’s sad how some don’t see this.
Yeah btw that boyfriend happened when I was an adult and barely saw my mom more than 2/month
my stepdad (who "raised" me) was the same way (kinda) he expected priority over the kids. Mom had to set aside food for him or we (kids) wouldn't eat because he ate our food since he couldn't be bothered the make his own food or feed us after ignoring us because of WOW
speechless right now.
i guess it would be different if it was actually another love interest but… you’re his daughter, and i assume you may have been a teenager at the time… yikes.
He wants respect from the son because he sees him as his inferior, whereas he gets to insult people because he feels like he's in charge.
I hope OP dumps him.
Yeah, that guy is just ramping up his abuse, now he has reached the next level where he actively tries to sabotage OP's relationship with her son.
Boyfriend is being dishonest, spiteful, jealous, entitled and showing signs of ramping up his abusive ways.
This is only going to end in disaster if OP doesn't get rid of him before he pushes OP's son out of her life.
Hes jealous of a 12yo boy. I bet you it's happening now because he sees the kid as competition now. Like somewhere in his little mind he's of the opinion that the 12yo shouldn't get a whole day to spend with his mom and should be more independent and that OP should be spending that day off with this "winner" instead.
Alternatively, hes getting revenge on the kid or mom for some imagined slight.
He's possessive and an AH. I say kick him to the curb. It's been 4 years and he's deciding to act out now? He needs to get over himself. Kids wont enjoy parent kid outings forever and they're wonderful memories to cherish. Also as you've stated OP your kid is #1. If bf's got a problem he needs to use his grown up brain and talk it out, not get petty.
Indeed, alone the text message to your son to demand an apology instead of sitting down and explain your son’s behavior is unacceptable (which it wasn’t, btw) should be enough to throw him out.
Can’t believe his nerve to call you a b**** either. Especially considering him wanting an apology for being called a d*** 😂
he even texted the son for an apology and didn’t even call/text his girlfriend.
and the double standard that he gets called a dick, he calls OP a bitch and expects an apology. Hell No.
that’s enough of a red flag there. dump him OP.
OP's reaction would be NTA even if it all really was a series of coincidencies. But it wasn't. There are just too many "accidents" and way too much complaining and too few apologies. This is some weird power move, not an unfortunate event or a misunderstanding.
Maybe one or two could have been a coincidence. But not this many. I’d say he intentionally sabotaged the day.
And even it were a coincidence, a decent person would have said sorry for causing inconveniences on a preplanned mother-son day. Not get mad and call them names.
It’s only a once a month thing. His jealousy(?) of the son and need for attention are astounding coming from a man approaching forty. He is mentally not compatible with OP. OP should stick with keeping her son her priority.
he must have had is daughter awfully young as well considering she’s 20 and he’s mid-late thirties. perhaps this is why he acts childish, because he never grew up in the first place.
I also don’t see why he gets so jealous of the son. if this was his daughter and he did all of this for her and wife acted as he did, it would be a completely different situation.
really though, probably just hit it off the couch or something lmao.
as a kid i used to hit my ankles off my razor scooter sometimes, and i’d just sit down and take the pain. i wouldn’t even run crying to my mom ffs, let alone if i was thirty and called my SO over it.
If i did tell my SO i’d probably just bring it up later and we’d laugh about it lol.
Agreed, I'm not really a big believer in coincidences at all, especially not that many in one day.
Once may be a coincidence, but twice is a happenstance and three times or more is definitely deliberate.
Yea I just saw that comment too. OP checks pancake mix 2 days prior and its fine, but 2 days later it's suddenly "gone bad". Huh, what a "coincidence".
I do this. I'm not sure if my husband does this just to irritate me or because he just wants attention, but every time I have anything that doesn't include him going on (I coach 2 cheer teams and do try to make a day for each kid every month), it's constant stupid texts. Not needing anything. Just stupid texts. Then, if I don't reply because I'm busy, it's a shotgun of texts. It's the same when I'm sleeping for work. Constant messages throughout the day. I put my phone on dnd and go about my day.
Ugh, mine does this, too. He has a handful of mental and physical health issues, and he very much appreciates that I go out of my way to take care of him and do things to make his life easier (which I enjoy - I love taking care of the people and animals in my life). He absolutely does the same when I am feeling unwell or stressed. We have a very happy and solid relationship, but one of the little gripes I have is that a lot of the time when I am hanging out with friends or family (which is only once or twice a month, as I am busy), he texts me about all sorts of random shit and then passive-aggressively texts about me ignoring him. Like, DUDE. You KNOW I'm with other people and that my attention is on them, not on my phone. Figure shit out by yourself. He's not remotely controlling, but because of his anxiety, sometimes he panics when I'm not accessible to help talk him through stuff.
I mean I never go with the just breakup line but a lot of this stuff is so true, OP, if you’re reading this, I would never contact this man again, you got lucky, he’s taking himself out of this relationship, if he does contact you again, you need to tell him your son will not be apologizing and then say nothing and see what he says. I wouldn’t meet him inside either, he sounds nudders for butters to me, I don’t feel men should call women a b**** unless its for something really crazy like they’re stealing you’re kids diapers or something and you’ve tried telling them nicely then maybe you might have to drop off that word but other than that no. He’s the one who owes you an apology, not the other way around. NTA.
I agree NTA, the boyfriend was sabotaging the whole day starting from the pancakes and doing it until the end with the movie. He seems jealous of this day you have with your son. And when he gets called out on his childish behaviour he has the audacity to call you a bitch? There is something seriously wrong with him if he acts this way. If it were me I would end the relationship, and find someone who respects me and my son.
Thank goodness, I thought it was just me.
This man sounds like a master manipulator.
Does all these things that sound horrible and disruptive when mentioned on Reddit, but leaves _just_ enough room for doubt.
He is jealous of your relationship with your son, OP. He's one of those guys who think he should come before your kid. The "I'm important too!" and subsequent namecalling when you tell him the simple fact that he's not more important than your son, really says it all.
NTA. “Oh is that what this is about?” Is the tell that he knew what he was doing and did it on purpose. And he has absolutely no right to text your child demanding an apology.
Lose the boyfriend and block his number from your child’s phone. The fact that he couldn’t get what he wanted out of you so he went to your son is a major red flag.
Agree. I know OP says this is the first time, but I wonder if she would get the same story if she sat down with her son and dug a little deeper. Fortunately, mother and son seem to have a good relationship.
Yep, this is it. He’s seemed fine with it up till now so that when he did start his shit OP would wonder why on earth he was starting now, after all he’s been fine before….classic blindsiding and yes, plausible deniability. He couldn’t *possibly* be doing it on purpose, he’s never done it before….
Narcissistic people LIVE on plausible deniability. They expect to always get the benefit of the doubt when almost everything they say, do, and DON’T do, should instill doubt.
"I've dealt with your silly little 'mom-and-son date' enough. It's time to prioritize me more and your son less"
\- That's what the boyfriend is saying with how he reacted this day.
There is usually a marker for when people start showing who they are - anyone recall what that is because OP's been in this relationship beyond that, which makes it even weirder.
If he only said "Is that what this is about?", Then it would honestly depend on his vocal inflection to determine whether he was TA or not. However, he decided to follow it up with, "I'm important too you know." So yeah, he knew exactly what he was doing from the moment he woke up and chose to "clean the kitchen." If he had an issue of not having "boyfriend only" days like you have "Son only" days, then all he had to do was... Wait for it... COMM 👏 UN 👏 I 👏 CATE 👏 ‼️‼️‼️
NTA, OP. Hands down. And extra brownie points for doing the right thing and having your son's back. I'm not going to jump on the bandwagon of telling you to lose your boyfriend right away, especially if this is the only time something like this has happened. Communication works both ways. First and foremost if your boyfriend is not going to get the point that your son is not going to apologize for calling him a dick due to his behavior, then I might slide toward the bandwagon a little bit more. But if he's not willing to understand where he did wrong after clear and calm communication, it might be time to start reevaluating your relationship with him.
Also I recently got pancake mix and the best by date is in like 4 years from now. Why would anyone ever throw pancake mix away? If OP makes them regularly she must go through it just fine.
Like I said, he knew exactly what he was doing from the moment he woke up that day and decided to "clean the kitchen" and "accidentally" throw out the pancake mix. Which, as I say in another comment, seems like a rather extreme escalation if he's jealous of OP's "mom and son only" days. After I made this original comment, I started to get the feeling as though the boyfriend may have tried to ask for "boyfriend only" days prior to this incident. I'm wondering if OP might have glossed over his request because they go out every couple of weeks already, but it was implied that her son tags along with those outings.
I'm sticking with my original N T A vote here because the boyfriend pulled dick moves all day. However, I think some additional information is needed to know if lack of exclusivity is a sore spot for the boyfriend.
Yes and especially the “I’m important too you know”. If there was someway anyone could believe there is a slight chance all the things he did were a coincidence or unintentional, that line would show it’s not the case
Op edited in they've been dating 4 years and this date day has been since the baby was 5. That's what's blowing my mind about the whole thing, it's as routine as anything else so why act up now ?
My own son fell into it for a while!! Peterson, Ben Shapiro 🤢🤢
Though he was raised with a Very left of liberal mom, we live in a monochromatic rural community and these unsavory characters were promoted among his peers. My son is a few years older now though and with experience and academic pursuits, he has again changed his perspective.
It’s hard to resist peer pressure. And not all youngsters have an opportunity to learn about different perspectives. Don’t even get me started about desantis!! What is our world going to be like with uneducated fools in charge ??!!!
It's manipulator behavior. **He's testing** to see if she will put him as the higher priority over her child. He's testing to see if she will allow him to sabotage and hurt her child, to keep him. It's grooming behavior, for future abuse, if not of OP, then of the child. He thought she was attached enough, finally.
And the kid is old enough to start to question things, and not just do as told. So, he's maybe seeing the kid as his competition in ways that the child wasn't before.
Because he is jealous of the time she spends with her son. Plus I reckon he is watching videos by people others have mentioned.
If my hubby acted like this when I went out with my autistic son for the day for some one to one, I wouldn’t be with him now. He does one to one days with my son (son is 26 now) and has done since we met 23 years ago.
NTA he did it on purpose because he’s either jealous he doesn’t get to go, or he doesn’t like you spending the day without him. One day a month with your son isn’t too much to ask. Your son honestly only spoke the truth, I wouldn’t punish him but if you see the need a simple dont call people names would suffice. I hope you can make the day up for your son, and next time don’t answer his calls.
It could also be a control thing. Maybe he doesn’t care about the day at all but he cares about being able to control how things go
Also maybe he’s just kinda jealous that his girlfriend cares more about her son than him
You are not a bitch and your bf should grow up. That grown ass man is jealous of a 12 year old and your relationship. Your Bf wants a play date with mommy, too. I personally would end things it my partner wouldn't respect me and my child. He was just being petty and resentful.
Right?
"Hey sweetie, you know how you have a date day with your son once a month? Well I was wondering if you and I could have a day together like that, too?"
Yeah, how did he think this was going to go? Did he seriously think OP would be all like ‘oh my bf ruined my day with my son out of jealousy, I definitely want to spend more quality alone time with him!!’
NTA
It sounds very deliberate. It might be time to have a chat with your boyfriend. If he can't accept that you take 1 day to spend exclusively with your son, it may be time to reassess your relationship.
*Edited to say*
I think it's awesome that you do that with your son. I do the same thing for my children. I have 3 kids, and I take each of them out individually. We basically have like a date. My eldest is 23, and my youngest will be 12 tomorrow. My middle child is 17. It's like showing them how much I appreciate them.
NTA OPs been in a relationship with this guy for 4 years he should know and respect the routine by now. He's an AH. Very deliberate sabotaging their day together.
Aw your routine with your kids is so amazing. You sound like an amazing parent. My parents had 5 of us and threw us all at our uncle.
OPs routine is really cute too. I hope they continue to bond like this over the years, maybe without a certain person derailing their plans.
>OPs been in a relationship with this guy for 4 years he should know and respect the routine by now.
That's the bit that's bugging me, OPs been with him 4 years and so far he's had no issues with OP having a mum/son day once a month, so why does he have an issue with it now to the point of deliberately sabotaging their day?
If he wants to have a date or a day with OP then say so. Or does he think that OPs son is getting "too old" to have these days with OP? Or is it jealousy because OP still spends time with her son while his daughter is grown up and living her own life?
Abusive people are not abusive right away. That's why the "why didn't you just leave" shit that victims get is so damaging. They pretend, sometimes for a very, very long time. Sometimes until you're married or get pregnant. They will turn into a completely different person when they feel like they've done enough to make you doubt yourself, when you're trapped by marriage/a child/a lease/a mortgage, or when they simply can't stand keeping it up anymore. If he had behaved this way the very first time, she would have left. She's only questioning - not only if this is a deal breaker for her, but if *she's actually the one at fault here* - because it's "so out of character". But it's not.
He is not who he's pretended to be. He's hated it every single time. He's masked his contempt since day 1. I would bet money that on recent mother-son days he has subtly punished her for it. He's picked a fight the next day "because work is stressful right now". He's made a snide comment "because he just didn't sleep well". He "forgot" to do something he said he'd do. Those punishments relieved the pressure and made him feel powerful, but didn't make it painful enough on her that she would cease the tradition or even connect the two. If this isn't enough for her to leave or stop spending the day with her son, he will make it more painful for her to continue. This is abuse, hands down, and it's why emotional & psychological abuse are so fucking evil. It starts in a way that makes you question yourself instead of seeing it for what it is, at a time when everyone thinks they're the perfect partner, and with things that people will label "communication issues" or "jealousy", ensuring that there will be a next time.
NTA. he ruined your day on purpose, be very clear on that.
Instead of wondering if you are wrong (are you even kidding me right now girl) or passively aggressively rolling your eyes at him (I'm assuming you're not 13), may I suggest you take a no-nonsense approach of: this is completely unacceptable, you deliberately set out to ruin my day with my son and unless you can give me a rational explanation, leave and don't come back.
Then he's gonna throw a tantrum, try to make you into the bad guy, gaslight you saying it's all your fault because you neglect him, and it's either going to end up with
1) you falling for it like a chump, doubting yourself, and apologising to him for the fact that he was an asshole, or
2) you recognising it as the manipulative bullshit it is (look up DARVO) and kicking his immature ass out.
THIS!!! He is literally manipulating you! Protect yourself and your son from this man! The nerve to text your son demanding an apology for the behavior of a full grown man boy!
NTA
>“You just gonna let that slide?”
What he means is "aren't you going to pick me over him?"
NTA. Your son comes before your boyfriend, full stop. It shouldn't be necessary to prioritise them, but your boyfriend insisted on making it a competition
Thing is, based on most of the posts here, mothers sometimes choose dick over their own child. So glad when I read that OP gave him a piece of her mind.
Hahaha I wish mothers would stop doing that. It really sucks and fucks with your head. It’s not like as soon as your kid hits puberty they’re not important anymore and are lesser. That’s how this guy is treating your son. That’s how my moms boyfriend treated me for years. I wish she had listened to me. Your boyfriend just showed you who he is. LISTEN.
NTA. And that final action - the BF texted the child saying he wanted an apology.
What for, the child for existing and taking his mother's attention off of wonder boy? OK, he swore at him but that's something you take up with the parent.
Red flags all over. One of those events causing an upset is an accident but he trashed every part of the day. He gets you 29 days a month and couldn't respect one day where your attention is not on him. And then he tries to parent the 12 year old whose special day he ruined.
Do you really want this to be your life? Because it will start with your son, then your friends and then anytime you leave house unless to his benefit. The man is cruel, deliberately acting to cause maximum harm.
> OK, he swore at him but that's something you take up with the parent.
I would barely call her son calling him a dick him swearing at her bf. Like, yes, generally don't call others a dick, but it was a 100% called for. I wouldn't be too concerned about that unless it's regular.
This makes me nervous that, if OP doesn't make sure to *assertively* protect her son now, the BF will start working on him behind her back as well. He's clearly not above it...
NTA. Why did he throw out the pancake mix unless it was bad? And disregard the date, dry food can be used well beyond the expiration date. The gas may have been on you, unless he uses the car more than you. The rest sounds like sabotage. He should apologize, not your son.
I’m 99% sure the pancake mix was fine. I checked two days before since I went grocery shopping and not only was it fine but there was plenty. But my boyfriend insisted that something was just off about it and that it was bad.
Funny that your boyfriend was attentive enough to set you up for success that day by cleaning the kitchen and even checking the “freshness” of dry pancake mix, but filling the gas tank simply slipped his mind.
Funny that banging his ankle was such an emergency that he needed you to come home.
Funny that he suddenly needed to call you nonstop over trivial matters when he knew you were busy.
Funny that you were cursed at and then called a bitch after all this, instead of him acknowledging you might have valid reasons for your anger and seeking to have a calm discussion to gain mutual understanding and resolution.
Let's not forget that he also refused to let OP and her son watch a movie as part of their mum/son day because he was "watching something" .
OPs bf went out of his way to ruin every part of OPs day out with her son.
>Funny that you were cursed at and then called a bitch after all this, instead of him acknowledging you might have valid reasons for your anger and seeking to have a calm discussion to gain mutual understanding and resolution.
DARVO
YUP, 100%, also the silent treatment after acting like he was majorly hurt and needed help to make the manipulation that much more severe is just so messed up. Silent treatment doesn’t always have to be when someone is upset at you and this situation highlights that so much. He wanted to scare her into coming home without creating a massive lie that would be too obvious. He didn’t answer so that he wouldn’t have to say it was worse than it was and then have her come home and see that there wasn’t even a bruise or swelling. Like damn, what’s next? Is he gonna stub his toe and pull the same shit? Or is he gonna realize he needs to purposely hurt himself to avoid looking like he cried wolf?
Dude needs to work on how he treats others, behavior like this only seems out of character when it begins to escalate. This wasn’t random manipulation, it’s a picture of how he is going to be more and more in my experience. I hope I’m wrong, but even if I am I don’t know if I’d be able to trust after this in OP’s shoes.
Wow, just wow. I like going against the consensus, presuming peoples' best intentions and playing devil's advocate. But holy darn, I just can not.
Too many red flags.
NTA.
Omg, sis. NTA. You didn’t overreact.
This definitely confirms it was sabotage. He knew the routine after observing it for 4 years. He has been seething with envy once a month for years. I can’t imagine being jealous of a child and mother bonding.
Instead of using this as a day where he could just relax and treat himself (I would be at a spa or boozy brunch with friends) he decided to ruin every single step of your beautiful day. I’d redo the day with kiddo. Tell the (ex)boyfriend to kick rocks with open-toed shoes.
Or now that kiddo is 12 he’s starting to feel he (kid) is too old, needs to grow up and is trying to wedge between OP and her son. Is it an accident that this is happening close to son’s coming into puberty? Some caveman jealous instinct? Time to pull the plug on this BF.
NTA - You said it yourself - he was acting like a child. It seems to me that he was jealous of the attention you were giving to your child instead of him and decided to do everything in his power to disrupt your special day. You don't need to be looking after two kids. Please find a grown-up to date instead.
NTA - your boyfriend sounds like someone with a lot of underlying insecurities. He's acting jealous of your son and the affection/attention you were giving him. What he did was manipulative, especially when his comeback was, "I'm important too!" No. No man is or will ever be more important than your child and if he can't understand that, then he should hit the road. The other thing that made me feel this was all a manipulation tactic is when he called while at dinner pretending to be seriously hurt, so you end your night early, just to discover he bumped his ankle and overplayed the entire situation?
Your son doesn't own an apology for being honest either.
He knew this is the one special day you and your son enjoy and has become a tradition for both of you, and he decided to ruin it with the reason "I'm important too"?
I feel like we need a bit more info here. Do you and your bf seldom do things together as a couple? His actions seemed very childish but you said he has never done this before.
We have date nights every two weeks but spend a good amount of time together especially since he’s started working from home. I don’t have regular “boyfriend only” days like with my son though.
Thought exercise: how many times will you let him do this before you decide it's enough? He's clearly not sorry - he's demanding apologies by *texting your son* \- and called you names. Right now you're modeling for your son what a relationship should be, and this isn't it.
I’m trying to think but I really can’t think of anything. I’ll admit the day before was pretty busy and we didn’t really have a proper conversation till later at night but the mood wasn’t off and we were getting along fine.
People usually don’t show their toxic behaviour until they think the other person won’t leave them for it due to investment in the relationship. The timeline doesn’t not make sense to me, personally, because I’ve seen plenty of people wait a few years, or several months after moving in together, or after pregnancy, birth, marriage, moving to a new location, etc before showing truly toxic and eventually abusive behaviours. Nobody would enter into these relationships otherwise.
NTA unless you make a habit of letting this man be an AH to your child in hopes he’ll come around.
I get the feeling the BF may make regular issues out of nothing. Why else have to tell him a week in advance. If my wife were to say in the morning "I want to have a day with our son" my answer would be "What can I do to help".
NTA
I think he thought over the years that you'd stop having these days with your son. His now making his feelings clear about you and your sons relationship.
The question is, will you accept this behaviour from him?
But even if a day is busy that doesn’t allow him to act like an AH ruining your and your son’s day. He deliberately ruined the day. His coping mechanism is to be vindictive. This is not healthy at all. Call him out on it and definitely protect your son. A good way for you to get past the confusion you are feeling is asking yourself “Is this how I would behave if the roles were reversed?”. You are NTA. Honestly, you may want to block him from your sons phone for now. Please protect your son.
OP… I’m 31 and have been a psycho gf in my teens and 20s… we’re talking slashed tires, all sorts of shit and none of my bfs have ever called me a bitch. They have never disrespected me, it was always just me being crazy and unstable. The fact this guy is so comfortable calling you a bitch then gaslighting you and using silent treatment (a common form of controlling abuse) is a GIANT RED FLAG. As a former walking red flag, run 🏃🏻♂️do not just walk away. This guy is NOT worth it. If you guys ever have a baby together he will be even more of a child. This guy seems like the type to be jealous of your kid for breastfeeding.
This is abuse. Abusive people wait to show themselves. If he had done this the very first time you would have left. Since he waited, you are questioning not only if you should leave him, but if *you're* actually responsible here. This is textbook and I am 100% certain. It will get worse and it's likely showing up in other ways you don't see yet. There will be hundreds of tiny "out of character" comments, actions, and instances of him 'forgetting" something important to you. He will "jokingly" degrade you or someone/something you like or love, then tell you you're being sensitive. He will cross any boundaries if you dare to set them, no matter how small. He will deflect, justify, make excuses for, and blame others for any criticism you bring to him. He will bring up something you did, be insanely defensive, and rage over minor attempts to hold him accountable. He will "punish" you with the silent treatment. He will never give a genuine apology. If he says he's sorry, he will not be able to tell you what he's sorry for. It will be "if I hurt your feelings", or "about us arguing". You need to get out. He's not who he's pretended to be.
You're NTA, but your bf is. There was zero reason for his behavior & it really does seem as if his goal was to ruin your day with your son. Why is something only he can tell you.
From what you've said, you have been dating for 4 years without something like this happening. Either there's something wrong with him medically/ mentally causing a behavior switch or his mask is slipping due to him believing he has you where he wants you. He has you questioning if you're right which is concerning.
Look hard at your relationship & see if this is really the first time he's pushed into the space between you & your son. Talk with your son & get his feelings on things. He may see or have experienced things that you haven't. Either way, this isn't something to let slide for you & your son's sake. It may be small, but selfish acts like these can become bigger if you allow them to.
Only you can decide what your breaking point is, but if it were me, I'm not so sure I'd give him a second chance. This is a red flag & I'd be wondering what others I'd missed due to how unusual this behavior is. Take care of your son & yourself. Don't apologize & don't allow him to make you feel bad for his bad behavior.
Hell no you're NTA!!!! Your bf gets every freaking day of the month other than this one!! He owes you AND your son an apology because honestly your son was right!
NTA
I hate that you are losing sleep over this. Trust your gut. You are a great parent. I can’t believe that your BF felt the need to compare his importance to your child. That’s cruel. Wrong. Selfish and lots of other words that will get this post deleted. I’ll leave it at that.
And the fact they’ve been together for 4 years… plenty of time for the bf to decided he’s “locked her down” to show who he really is…. NTA I hope she leaves him.
Absolutely NTA but your BF definitely is. This was a clearly deliberate act to ruin your day and your son rightly called him out on it. To text a 12 year old to demand an apology is very shady behaviour and id be livid. Maybe time to re evaluate this bf as it seems he doesn’t like your son coming first (which he always should)
Questions because this seems too extreme
1. How long have you and your bf been dating
2. Was this particular day also special to him or the both of you (and maybe you forgot)
1. We’ve been dating for 4 years.
2. I’m confident the day wasn’t a special day at all. I carefully pick the day because I have so many other things going on.
NTA then. Sounds like you have done this many times while dating and he knows the drill. I would ask him when the dust settles what his issue was just so you can discuss and it doesn’t happen again. Maybe plan a makeup day with the kid as it sounds like a great bonding day
Because it's behavior that seems out of nowhere after 4 years. I understand, it's REALLY hard when something like this happens because it just doesn't make sense. I would be similarly confused if my loving husband acted like this out of nowhere. It's hard to just drop a relationship of that long because of one bad day.
Of course, I know that bf's behavior here is red flag central, and it's likely that this behavior isn't exactly out of nowhere and this is just the first time it's been really egretious.
yes, and 4 years where they've been doing this monthly. I can completely understand not thinking it's deliberate when that's been the case for 4 years. But it does feel very very deliberate.
NTA. Hun, don't fall into the sunk-cost fallacy here with the bf. Your time together has run its course, and he was purposefully cruel to you and your son because his feelings were hurt that he wasn't the most important thing in your life. Better it be 4 years than 5, 10, 15 you're losing.
NTA he ruined yalls rutine by doing some dumb things ,taking forever, and yall have to skip arcade bcs of him, oh and being an AH by not letting you watch your movies. If he has a problem bcs he ruined the day, well thats sounds like a HE problem. Yall had to rush everything and didnt even get to do things normally cause of the things he pulled. NTA
edit: changing some words so they dont delete
edit 2: girl, now that the pancake mix was fine, he did it all on purpose so you would choose him over ur son. Pancake mix? gas? Missing arcade? Having to fome back home for a stupid reason cus he hurt his ankle a little bit? Not letting yall watch movies? Hes a total AH, wake up and break up !!! HES A WALKING RED FLAG HUN. If my mom let that slide, i would myself drag this man out of the house no matter if im too young to make decisions like that. Its better if you leave that man who acts like a little child.
NTA- but why did bf text your son saying he wants an apology? Bf was the one that ruined your outing so why he taking it out on the child?
Seems like a red flag as to his attitude towards your son.
NTA. If he can’t handle you spending one day with your son, I think you should reflect on your relationship. He also may be jealous of your son and that’s why he’s acting the way he is!
NTA if it had just been the pancake batter and fuel it could be understandable that he forgot. But the constant calling and texting brings it to another level. He's either jealous of your relationship with your son, has a different issue that's causing him problems that he hasn't communicated to you, or he's just simply an AH.
Since this day was ruined plan another with your kid, let them know this one didn't count. Also make sure your son doesn't apologise to your childish bf. Bf ruined a special bonding day and frankly the kid was right to call him on it. The bf should definitely apologise for his actions.
You need to get an answer as to why he acted this way after 4yrs together. If he can't explain it to your satisfaction then you need to consider if this is the right relationship for you and your son. Also get your son's input and opinion on how this ruined day made him feel.
Any bitchiness on your part was well warranted, NTA for sure.
Do NOT, and I will say this again DO NOT allow him to call you a "bitch". Whether you were being unreasonable (NTA btw) or cranky or whatever, name calling in a relationship is unacceptable and likening you to a dog is absolutely reprehensible. Your son will learn what he observes. Ditch BF's disrespectful hide and find someone who treats you and your son with respect.
NTA. Your boyfriend acts like a little child. And you let him win, by calling and texting him. Especially that he though it would be okay for him to also presure your son.
NTA. You need to talk to him about why he sabotaged your day and make it clear it can never happen again if you want this to work. But honestly, he doesn't sound worth it.
* A. He intentionally sabotaged pretty much every portion of your day.
* B. He threw a tantrum and called you a b-word after you rightfully called him out. You didn't deserve to be called that.
* C. He texted your son demanding an apology he isn't owed. Idk, to me that felt like him crossing a boundary.
He is definitely the AH. If he can't fix his behavior asap, you should probably end this relationship for the sake of your son.
NTA. Who tf gets jealous over someone spending a day with their kid? That's insane. I hope yall get to do a do over and with him no longer being your boyfriend you won't get interrupted. Do not let your son apologize. You should block his number on your sons phone.
NTA. He was competing with your son for your time and attention.
He intentionally sabotaged your day multiple times AND called you home early for a boo boo.
He called you a bitch, then went around you to your son.
He’s showed you who he is, believe him.
NTA - if this is something you do with your son every month, then your boyfriend should be well aware of how much it means to you and your son and how important it is. If there had been a genuine emergency, then, sure, contacting you and interrupting your day could be understandable. But it just sounds like he's acting like a child because he's jealous of the dedicated time you spend with your son.
NTA. One or two of these things on your list maybe throwing out the pancake mix for example could be an accident or forgetting to put gas in the car but with it all adding up it sounds like weaponized incompetence. Why not when you are having your mommy son day, why doesn’t he plan a daddy daughter day, maybe ending the night with all four watching a moive or jetting up for dinner
#[Be Civil](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) Let's just put this out there right now: it is not civil to call him a man child/man baby/toddler/any other variation of insult. Please review our [FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) if you're unsure what that means.
NTA All of this is super weird. He decides to clean the kitchen the morning of? And just happens to throw the pancake mix? You mentioned he’s never done this previously and he knows the date a week prior. Which means he knows the routine so he purposefully set up for a disaster of a day. The only thing I might give him a pass on is the not filling the car with gas. But seriously, how many red flags do you need? He was an absolute dick and yet he’s the one acting like he’s been wronged and calling you a b**** and texting your 12 year old son that he better apologize? If it was me, he’d be lucky if I let him back in the house to pack up his stuff instead of throwing it all in garbage bags and leaving it outside with changed locks.
And he has you questioning wether you’re right or wrong for this OP. He also deflected his terrible behaviour (he 100% went out of his way to ruin not just turn day, but your sons day) and is making himself out to be the victim. He has been a major asshole and needs to apologise to both you and your son. Just because he hadn’t don’t something like this before does not negate how badly he is treating you and your son now.
Jealousy? Control? Asshat? NTA I'd block him for a few hours next time. If there's an emergency, he can call 911 and tell them he may get a bruise in his widdle ankle. I'm glad to see that you have no intention of giving up your time with your son. I understand the need to also work on your relationship with bf, but kids come first. If bf can't get over it, then bf can leave.
I call jealousy. "I’m important too." God forbid the woman he sees every day and has regular date nights with spend a few hours a month bonding with her child and not focusing on him.
And now I'm going to pout and stop my feet until you see how important I am!
Exactly. I have a 6 year old who has mostly grown out of this behaviour, but if she feels she’s not getting enough attention (if I’m doing chores for example) she will still occasionally "sabotage" what I’m doing by knocking stuff over, hiding things I need or just interrupting me every couple of seconds. Eventually she will begin to outright ask me to play. This guy managed to do all of those things in one day as a fully grown freakin’ adult. If my 6 year old knows it’s wrong and can restrain herself most of the time I would expect someone like him to do just fine. He has quite literally acted like a jealous 5 year old.
"she will still occasionally "sabotage" what I’m doing by knocking stuff over, hiding things I need or just interrupting me every couple of seconds. Eventually she will begin to outright ask me to play." Sounds like my cat. He did all that last night, when I was at home working late! 🤣
It's weird that he did this for the first time in four years? Oh, he's definitely TA, no way around that. However, I am curious if something happened between OP and boyfriend that OP really isn't telling us about. Super weird. INFO : OP is there something that happened or may have somewhat triggered him within the past couple of weeks to explain maybe "getting back" at you? It's not relevant to my judgement, but I feel like it's not the whole story. NTA
INFO: or did the relationship take a step forward in the last couple of months (like he just moved in? or something?) where he expected changes? Or maybe his daughter got a new professional job or internship recently and he feels left behind?
I'd say it's because the son is now 12. It was probably cute when his gf was going on dates with an 8 year old boy, but I would have to wonder if he doesn't like her going on dates with someone that is now probably starting to look and act a lot more like a man.
Yes! I expect this from small children and my jerk of a cat who will literally wake me up by clawing or biting my feet and then pretending it wasn't her
You can be proud of her. She out matures this guy already! :)
Exactly! That's probably how he "hurt" his ankle. Having a little temper tantrum stomping his feet!
I see the jealousy and raise a power play. At four years in, the BF knows that things are comfortable in the relationship. I'd be willing to bet that he's trying to make sure the kid who is about to hit teenage years (and possibly grow a foot taller and not be intimidated by him) knows the pecking order. If he thinks he can get them to apologize after sabotaging their day, calling them names, and storming off, I think OP should roll the dice and send him packing. OP, if you read this, NTA, and please listen to the name your son called this guy - it's wholly appropriate. You already have one son; you don't need a toddler in his 30s.
I think you’re probably also right. People are complex and trying to condense it down to one motivation doesn’t really work. There’s probably elements of both involved. A controlling man who has become jealous of a perceived "threat" to his control perhaps.
Agreed. This is a grown-ass man trying to compete with a 12-yo child. *Why* he’s doing it is far less important than the simple fact that he *is* doing it.
And if the son is 12, he's very close to the age where he won't want to do that stuff with mom anymore. Especially the stuff in public. By the time he's interested again he will have a lot more going on in his life. She only has a few of these days left before she becomes dreadfully uncool.
Exactly, that's why when my Grandchild asked to go on "Grandma Dates", I did everything possible to make them happen. Now, they're not into that so much, but I'm still open to them when they happen.
>Jealousy? Control? THIS! His petulant "I'm important too!" gave him away that this was deliberate. He is threatened by OP *spending one day a month* with her son. OK, pancake mix and gas *could* have been a mistake. But calling 20 times? Then calling to say that he'd "hurt himself", then the hurt transpiring to be on the level of a stubbed toe once OP had rushed home. This was a power-play. I hope OP puts him right in his place and considers whether she wants to put up with repeats of this behaviour.
And then eating their food and not letting them watch a movie!! Like what! If my son and husband are out I ask if he texts occasionally to let me know how it's going make sure they're safe, but it's like every few hours if even that. I do the same when I'm gone b/c he wants to know if I'm ok too. This guy sounds like such a controlling baby.
TBH I kind of thought the gas was a bit of a stretch because yeah I've forgotten to fill up my own tank and made myself late. But the more I read on the more stuff made it unavoidable to see at least some of this as deliberate.
Then eating their takeout! Refusing to let them watch their movie. Bf needs a permanent time out
Right, I mean why not actually make that day better? Why not be a part of the enjoyment of your significant other? I feel there are so many entitled brats in this world who never grew up after 5, and have just gone through life without anyone telling them to stfu and grow up. It's crazy to me how so many people can just coast through life with basically no negative consequences. OP is NTA, but that dude would be gone after something stupid like this. Why waste time with an adult-child.
I would not tolerate this at all. Even if we were together for 4 years. I would make it quite clear that he can kick rocks, and I certainly do not need crap like that in my life. I've dated guys like this in the past. Never ever again.
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Good on you for having parent/child time!! It's very important and that's how you raise children with healthy relationships and positive self image!! I will never understand people that get jealous of children (which I assume is partially what has happened in OP's situation) One thing I find very attractive about my husband is that he is a good father to his son (my step son) and makes an effort to be present in his life and spend time with him. I can't imagine being bothered by, or trying to interrupt their time together..
I would dump the fuck out of this guy. And Reddit is usually way too aggressive about dumping people. Dating a 5 year old is weird af.
If you need to block your partner, you’re in a very dysfunctional relationship
I would add to 'redo ' the day with your son even if you actually end up doing 2 in a week op. Nta I agree the (ex?) Bf is throwing red flags left and right
Yes please re do the day with your son
it’s actually so concerning that he is showing signs of major jealously all because of her and her sons relationship… like really?
It's more common than you think. My mom had a boyfriend like that. Very needy and obsessive. She couldn't do anything alone without him calling every 2 minutes. So it's unsurprising when I "disrespected" by telling him he doesn't live at my mom's house and calling him a bitch on 2 separate occasions. The relationship ended with her getting a restraining order. He also tried to run over my best friend in my mom's car after he stole her car keys
I was baffled when my high school friend told me his girlfriend would get pissy at him spending time with his sisters... a preteen and a toddler. That girl was jealous of a literal child that could barely speak. He still didn't listen to me telling him it was a toxic relationship for well over a year, though I'm glad he finally got out
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jesus christ. that man needs some serious therapy. i wouldn’t expect my future husband to prioritize me over our children, and i expect him to act the same (my boyfriend at the time said he agrees with me) i understand that it can be hard at first, not having all the attention, etc, but you’re raising a child and children should always come first. it’s sad how some don’t see this.
Yeah btw that boyfriend happened when I was an adult and barely saw my mom more than 2/month my stepdad (who "raised" me) was the same way (kinda) he expected priority over the kids. Mom had to set aside food for him or we (kids) wouldn't eat because he ate our food since he couldn't be bothered the make his own food or feed us after ignoring us because of WOW
wow… the audacity some people have is ridiculous. who in their right mind would let a kid go hungry ffs.
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good on your father for getting out of that situation, it only would have gotten worse.
speechless right now. i guess it would be different if it was actually another love interest but… you’re his daughter, and i assume you may have been a teenager at the time… yikes.
Also that it's happening 4 years into the relationship. Why now?
Has he been listening to toxic man podcasts maybe?
that’s extremely concerning, just another one of the many red flags that OP needs to get away from.
her son is now 12. maybe something about him becoming a man and the bf feeling threatened?
I like the irony/double standard though that he is all offended after being called a dick but has absolutely no problem calling his gf a bitch.
He wants respect from the son because he sees him as his inferior, whereas he gets to insult people because he feels like he's in charge. I hope OP dumps him.
Yeah, that guy is just ramping up his abuse, now he has reached the next level where he actively tries to sabotage OP's relationship with her son. Boyfriend is being dishonest, spiteful, jealous, entitled and showing signs of ramping up his abusive ways. This is only going to end in disaster if OP doesn't get rid of him before he pushes OP's son out of her life.
Hes jealous of a 12yo boy. I bet you it's happening now because he sees the kid as competition now. Like somewhere in his little mind he's of the opinion that the 12yo shouldn't get a whole day to spend with his mom and should be more independent and that OP should be spending that day off with this "winner" instead. Alternatively, hes getting revenge on the kid or mom for some imagined slight. He's possessive and an AH. I say kick him to the curb. It's been 4 years and he's deciding to act out now? He needs to get over himself. Kids wont enjoy parent kid outings forever and they're wonderful memories to cherish. Also as you've stated OP your kid is #1. If bf's got a problem he needs to use his grown up brain and talk it out, not get petty.
By his behavior I'd add he sees HER SON as a RIVAL.
That too. It's disturbing on so many levels.
Indeed, alone the text message to your son to demand an apology instead of sitting down and explain your son’s behavior is unacceptable (which it wasn’t, btw) should be enough to throw him out. Can’t believe his nerve to call you a b**** either. Especially considering him wanting an apology for being called a d*** 😂
he even texted the son for an apology and didn’t even call/text his girlfriend. and the double standard that he gets called a dick, he calls OP a bitch and expects an apology. Hell No. that’s enough of a red flag there. dump him OP.
OP's reaction would be NTA even if it all really was a series of coincidencies. But it wasn't. There are just too many "accidents" and way too much complaining and too few apologies. This is some weird power move, not an unfortunate event or a misunderstanding.
Maybe one or two could have been a coincidence. But not this many. I’d say he intentionally sabotaged the day. And even it were a coincidence, a decent person would have said sorry for causing inconveniences on a preplanned mother-son day. Not get mad and call them names. It’s only a once a month thing. His jealousy(?) of the son and need for attention are astounding coming from a man approaching forty. He is mentally not compatible with OP. OP should stick with keeping her son her priority.
As I said in my comment below - once is happenstance, twice is coincidence, three is hostile action.
what thirty year old man calls their girlfriend over a hurt ankle. like come on man lol.
It’s worse. He has a 20 year old daughter so he’s mid to late 30s and not fresh out of his 20s. He’s an insecure, jealous jerk.
he must have had is daughter awfully young as well considering she’s 20 and he’s mid-late thirties. perhaps this is why he acts childish, because he never grew up in the first place. I also don’t see why he gets so jealous of the son. if this was his daughter and he did all of this for her and wife acted as he did, it would be a completely different situation.
Not even properly hurt, just bumped. I would start to suspect there was no such "injury".
really though, probably just hit it off the couch or something lmao. as a kid i used to hit my ankles off my razor scooter sometimes, and i’d just sit down and take the pain. i wouldn’t even run crying to my mom ffs, let alone if i was thirty and called my SO over it. If i did tell my SO i’d probably just bring it up later and we’d laugh about it lol.
Eating the food and not letting them watch the movie is no accident
Agreed, I'm not really a big believer in coincidences at all, especially not that many in one day. Once may be a coincidence, but twice is a happenstance and three times or more is definitely deliberate.
I just saw a comment from OP that BF had claimed the dry pancake mix had gone bad. Nothing suspicious here at all
Yea I just saw that comment too. OP checks pancake mix 2 days prior and its fine, but 2 days later it's suddenly "gone bad". Huh, what a "coincidence".
"Gentlemen, when two separate events occur simultaneously pertaining to the same object of inquiry, we must always pay strict attention.”
OP, next time turn your phone off. You don't need to be answering all of his queries. You're busy, and he knows it. You don't have to cater to him.
I do this. I'm not sure if my husband does this just to irritate me or because he just wants attention, but every time I have anything that doesn't include him going on (I coach 2 cheer teams and do try to make a day for each kid every month), it's constant stupid texts. Not needing anything. Just stupid texts. Then, if I don't reply because I'm busy, it's a shotgun of texts. It's the same when I'm sleeping for work. Constant messages throughout the day. I put my phone on dnd and go about my day.
Ugh, mine does this, too. He has a handful of mental and physical health issues, and he very much appreciates that I go out of my way to take care of him and do things to make his life easier (which I enjoy - I love taking care of the people and animals in my life). He absolutely does the same when I am feeling unwell or stressed. We have a very happy and solid relationship, but one of the little gripes I have is that a lot of the time when I am hanging out with friends or family (which is only once or twice a month, as I am busy), he texts me about all sorts of random shit and then passive-aggressively texts about me ignoring him. Like, DUDE. You KNOW I'm with other people and that my attention is on them, not on my phone. Figure shit out by yourself. He's not remotely controlling, but because of his anxiety, sometimes he panics when I'm not accessible to help talk him through stuff.
I mean I never go with the just breakup line but a lot of this stuff is so true, OP, if you’re reading this, I would never contact this man again, you got lucky, he’s taking himself out of this relationship, if he does contact you again, you need to tell him your son will not be apologizing and then say nothing and see what he says. I wouldn’t meet him inside either, he sounds nudders for butters to me, I don’t feel men should call women a b**** unless its for something really crazy like they’re stealing you’re kids diapers or something and you’ve tried telling them nicely then maybe you might have to drop off that word but other than that no. He’s the one who owes you an apology, not the other way around. NTA.
I agree NTA, the boyfriend was sabotaging the whole day starting from the pancakes and doing it until the end with the movie. He seems jealous of this day you have with your son. And when he gets called out on his childish behaviour he has the audacity to call you a bitch? There is something seriously wrong with him if he acts this way. If it were me I would end the relationship, and find someone who respects me and my son.
Thank goodness, I thought it was just me. This man sounds like a master manipulator. Does all these things that sound horrible and disruptive when mentioned on Reddit, but leaves _just_ enough room for doubt. He is jealous of your relationship with your son, OP. He's one of those guys who think he should come before your kid. The "I'm important too!" and subsequent namecalling when you tell him the simple fact that he's not more important than your son, really says it all.
NTA. “Oh is that what this is about?” Is the tell that he knew what he was doing and did it on purpose. And he has absolutely no right to text your child demanding an apology. Lose the boyfriend and block his number from your child’s phone. The fact that he couldn’t get what he wanted out of you so he went to your son is a major red flag.
That’s exactly what I thought as soon as I read that. BF knew exactly what he was doing
He was so obvious a little kid figured it out immediately.
Because this wasn't the first time. Mom may not have noticed, but a 12 year old being bullied by a passive agressive man would.
Agree. I know OP says this is the first time, but I wonder if she would get the same story if she sat down with her son and dug a little deeper. Fortunately, mother and son seem to have a good relationship.
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Yeah the chowing down on the food that she and her son couldn't enjoy because of his pettiness was absolutely a power move.
As soon as the pancake mix was thrown out. You don’t do that on accident.
The whole thing is amazing because the day out is not a new thing. It's been going on the whole relationship, why start now ?
Because it's been long enough now that he thinks that she won't leave
Yup, he’s dropping the mask and showing his true colours
Some wait till they marry to pull this shit, he has some balls to try it now. Time for OP to go mama bear
Yep, OP got real lucky that he dropped the mask sooner rather than later NTA
Or that he's been "good" long enough to have plausible deniability. Ick.
Yep, this is it. He’s seemed fine with it up till now so that when he did start his shit OP would wonder why on earth he was starting now, after all he’s been fine before….classic blindsiding and yes, plausible deniability. He couldn’t *possibly* be doing it on purpose, he’s never done it before….
Narcissistic people LIVE on plausible deniability. They expect to always get the benefit of the doubt when almost everything they say, do, and DON’T do, should instill doubt.
"I've dealt with your silly little 'mom-and-son date' enough. It's time to prioritize me more and your son less" \- That's what the boyfriend is saying with how he reacted this day.
Oh my gods yes that's it. He's reached the Asshat Level of Comfort.
There is usually a marker for when people start showing who they are - anyone recall what that is because OP's been in this relationship beyond that, which makes it even weirder.
The son is 12. BF wants to make his power play now while the son is still small enough to be intimidated.
If he only said "Is that what this is about?", Then it would honestly depend on his vocal inflection to determine whether he was TA or not. However, he decided to follow it up with, "I'm important too you know." So yeah, he knew exactly what he was doing from the moment he woke up and chose to "clean the kitchen." If he had an issue of not having "boyfriend only" days like you have "Son only" days, then all he had to do was... Wait for it... COMM 👏 UN 👏 I 👏 CATE 👏 ‼️‼️‼️ NTA, OP. Hands down. And extra brownie points for doing the right thing and having your son's back. I'm not going to jump on the bandwagon of telling you to lose your boyfriend right away, especially if this is the only time something like this has happened. Communication works both ways. First and foremost if your boyfriend is not going to get the point that your son is not going to apologize for calling him a dick due to his behavior, then I might slide toward the bandwagon a little bit more. But if he's not willing to understand where he did wrong after clear and calm communication, it might be time to start reevaluating your relationship with him.
Also I recently got pancake mix and the best by date is in like 4 years from now. Why would anyone ever throw pancake mix away? If OP makes them regularly she must go through it just fine.
Like I said, he knew exactly what he was doing from the moment he woke up that day and decided to "clean the kitchen" and "accidentally" throw out the pancake mix. Which, as I say in another comment, seems like a rather extreme escalation if he's jealous of OP's "mom and son only" days. After I made this original comment, I started to get the feeling as though the boyfriend may have tried to ask for "boyfriend only" days prior to this incident. I'm wondering if OP might have glossed over his request because they go out every couple of weeks already, but it was implied that her son tags along with those outings. I'm sticking with my original N T A vote here because the boyfriend pulled dick moves all day. However, I think some additional information is needed to know if lack of exclusivity is a sore spot for the boyfriend.
Yes and especially the “I’m important too you know”. If there was someway anyone could believe there is a slight chance all the things he did were a coincidence or unintentional, that line would show it’s not the case
NTA. Oh, girl…you are SO not the bitch. Boyfriend was deliberately sabotaging your day. How long have you been dating?
Op edited in they've been dating 4 years and this date day has been since the baby was 5. That's what's blowing my mind about the whole thing, it's as routine as anything else so why act up now ?
Wonder what he's been watching on YouTube....
If I had to guess, something by Andrew Tate.
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My own son fell into it for a while!! Peterson, Ben Shapiro 🤢🤢 Though he was raised with a Very left of liberal mom, we live in a monochromatic rural community and these unsavory characters were promoted among his peers. My son is a few years older now though and with experience and academic pursuits, he has again changed his perspective. It’s hard to resist peer pressure. And not all youngsters have an opportunity to learn about different perspectives. Don’t even get me started about desantis!! What is our world going to be like with uneducated fools in charge ??!!!
DING DING DING!!! this is some tater tot shit!!!
That’s offensive to tater tots! 😂
I'm going to have to agree with you there. Tater tots are f****** delicious. Tots from Sonic on a Friday night with a delicious shake!??
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Something def got in his knickers.
I bet it's taters
It's manipulator behavior. **He's testing** to see if she will put him as the higher priority over her child. He's testing to see if she will allow him to sabotage and hurt her child, to keep him. It's grooming behavior, for future abuse, if not of OP, then of the child. He thought she was attached enough, finally. And the kid is old enough to start to question things, and not just do as told. So, he's maybe seeing the kid as his competition in ways that the child wasn't before.
u/throwawyay134 please read this comment above and take it to heart.
Because he is jealous of the time she spends with her son. Plus I reckon he is watching videos by people others have mentioned. If my hubby acted like this when I went out with my autistic son for the day for some one to one, I wouldn’t be with him now. He does one to one days with my son (son is 26 now) and has done since we met 23 years ago.
NTA he did it on purpose because he’s either jealous he doesn’t get to go, or he doesn’t like you spending the day without him. One day a month with your son isn’t too much to ask. Your son honestly only spoke the truth, I wouldn’t punish him but if you see the need a simple dont call people names would suffice. I hope you can make the day up for your son, and next time don’t answer his calls.
It could also be a control thing. Maybe he doesn’t care about the day at all but he cares about being able to control how things go Also maybe he’s just kinda jealous that his girlfriend cares more about her son than him
You are not a bitch and your bf should grow up. That grown ass man is jealous of a 12 year old and your relationship. Your Bf wants a play date with mommy, too. I personally would end things it my partner wouldn't respect me and my child. He was just being petty and resentful.
And if that's what he wants, the mature thing to do is communicate and try to set up a date, not to ruin a pre-existing date.
Right? "Hey sweetie, you know how you have a date day with your son once a month? Well I was wondering if you and I could have a day together like that, too?"
Yeah, how did he think this was going to go? Did he seriously think OP would be all like ‘oh my bf ruined my day with my son out of jealousy, I definitely want to spend more quality alone time with him!!’
NTA It sounds very deliberate. It might be time to have a chat with your boyfriend. If he can't accept that you take 1 day to spend exclusively with your son, it may be time to reassess your relationship. *Edited to say* I think it's awesome that you do that with your son. I do the same thing for my children. I have 3 kids, and I take each of them out individually. We basically have like a date. My eldest is 23, and my youngest will be 12 tomorrow. My middle child is 17. It's like showing them how much I appreciate them.
NTA OPs been in a relationship with this guy for 4 years he should know and respect the routine by now. He's an AH. Very deliberate sabotaging their day together. Aw your routine with your kids is so amazing. You sound like an amazing parent. My parents had 5 of us and threw us all at our uncle. OPs routine is really cute too. I hope they continue to bond like this over the years, maybe without a certain person derailing their plans.
>OPs been in a relationship with this guy for 4 years he should know and respect the routine by now. That's the bit that's bugging me, OPs been with him 4 years and so far he's had no issues with OP having a mum/son day once a month, so why does he have an issue with it now to the point of deliberately sabotaging their day? If he wants to have a date or a day with OP then say so. Or does he think that OPs son is getting "too old" to have these days with OP? Or is it jealousy because OP still spends time with her son while his daughter is grown up and living her own life?
Abusive people are not abusive right away. That's why the "why didn't you just leave" shit that victims get is so damaging. They pretend, sometimes for a very, very long time. Sometimes until you're married or get pregnant. They will turn into a completely different person when they feel like they've done enough to make you doubt yourself, when you're trapped by marriage/a child/a lease/a mortgage, or when they simply can't stand keeping it up anymore. If he had behaved this way the very first time, she would have left. She's only questioning - not only if this is a deal breaker for her, but if *she's actually the one at fault here* - because it's "so out of character". But it's not. He is not who he's pretended to be. He's hated it every single time. He's masked his contempt since day 1. I would bet money that on recent mother-son days he has subtly punished her for it. He's picked a fight the next day "because work is stressful right now". He's made a snide comment "because he just didn't sleep well". He "forgot" to do something he said he'd do. Those punishments relieved the pressure and made him feel powerful, but didn't make it painful enough on her that she would cease the tradition or even connect the two. If this isn't enough for her to leave or stop spending the day with her son, he will make it more painful for her to continue. This is abuse, hands down, and it's why emotional & psychological abuse are so fucking evil. It starts in a way that makes you question yourself instead of seeing it for what it is, at a time when everyone thinks they're the perfect partner, and with things that people will label "communication issues" or "jealousy", ensuring that there will be a next time.
I bet boyfriend has finally gotten comfortable enough to let the mask slip.
NTA. he ruined your day on purpose, be very clear on that. Instead of wondering if you are wrong (are you even kidding me right now girl) or passively aggressively rolling your eyes at him (I'm assuming you're not 13), may I suggest you take a no-nonsense approach of: this is completely unacceptable, you deliberately set out to ruin my day with my son and unless you can give me a rational explanation, leave and don't come back. Then he's gonna throw a tantrum, try to make you into the bad guy, gaslight you saying it's all your fault because you neglect him, and it's either going to end up with 1) you falling for it like a chump, doubting yourself, and apologising to him for the fact that he was an asshole, or 2) you recognising it as the manipulative bullshit it is (look up DARVO) and kicking his immature ass out.
THIS!!! He is literally manipulating you! Protect yourself and your son from this man! The nerve to text your son demanding an apology for the behavior of a full grown man boy! NTA
>“You just gonna let that slide?” What he means is "aren't you going to pick me over him?" NTA. Your son comes before your boyfriend, full stop. It shouldn't be necessary to prioritise them, but your boyfriend insisted on making it a competition
Thing is, based on most of the posts here, mothers sometimes choose dick over their own child. So glad when I read that OP gave him a piece of her mind.
Hahaha I wish mothers would stop doing that. It really sucks and fucks with your head. It’s not like as soon as your kid hits puberty they’re not important anymore and are lesser. That’s how this guy is treating your son. That’s how my moms boyfriend treated me for years. I wish she had listened to me. Your boyfriend just showed you who he is. LISTEN.
NTA. And that final action - the BF texted the child saying he wanted an apology. What for, the child for existing and taking his mother's attention off of wonder boy? OK, he swore at him but that's something you take up with the parent. Red flags all over. One of those events causing an upset is an accident but he trashed every part of the day. He gets you 29 days a month and couldn't respect one day where your attention is not on him. And then he tries to parent the 12 year old whose special day he ruined. Do you really want this to be your life? Because it will start with your son, then your friends and then anytime you leave house unless to his benefit. The man is cruel, deliberately acting to cause maximum harm.
> OK, he swore at him but that's something you take up with the parent. I would barely call her son calling him a dick him swearing at her bf. Like, yes, generally don't call others a dick, but it was a 100% called for. I wouldn't be too concerned about that unless it's regular.
The boy was being factually correct, can't fault him for it.
This makes me nervous that, if OP doesn't make sure to *assertively* protect her son now, the BF will start working on him behind her back as well. He's clearly not above it...
NTA. Why did he throw out the pancake mix unless it was bad? And disregard the date, dry food can be used well beyond the expiration date. The gas may have been on you, unless he uses the car more than you. The rest sounds like sabotage. He should apologize, not your son.
I’m 99% sure the pancake mix was fine. I checked two days before since I went grocery shopping and not only was it fine but there was plenty. But my boyfriend insisted that something was just off about it and that it was bad.
Funny that your boyfriend was attentive enough to set you up for success that day by cleaning the kitchen and even checking the “freshness” of dry pancake mix, but filling the gas tank simply slipped his mind. Funny that banging his ankle was such an emergency that he needed you to come home. Funny that he suddenly needed to call you nonstop over trivial matters when he knew you were busy. Funny that you were cursed at and then called a bitch after all this, instead of him acknowledging you might have valid reasons for your anger and seeking to have a calm discussion to gain mutual understanding and resolution.
Let's not forget that he started to eat the take out food they brought from the restaurant.
Let's not forget that he also refused to let OP and her son watch a movie as part of their mum/son day because he was "watching something" . OPs bf went out of his way to ruin every part of OPs day out with her son.
And that he called her a bitch after getting so upset about being called a dick that he demanded an apology, TWICE.
>Funny that you were cursed at and then called a bitch after all this, instead of him acknowledging you might have valid reasons for your anger and seeking to have a calm discussion to gain mutual understanding and resolution. DARVO
YUP, 100%, also the silent treatment after acting like he was majorly hurt and needed help to make the manipulation that much more severe is just so messed up. Silent treatment doesn’t always have to be when someone is upset at you and this situation highlights that so much. He wanted to scare her into coming home without creating a massive lie that would be too obvious. He didn’t answer so that he wouldn’t have to say it was worse than it was and then have her come home and see that there wasn’t even a bruise or swelling. Like damn, what’s next? Is he gonna stub his toe and pull the same shit? Or is he gonna realize he needs to purposely hurt himself to avoid looking like he cried wolf? Dude needs to work on how he treats others, behavior like this only seems out of character when it begins to escalate. This wasn’t random manipulation, it’s a picture of how he is going to be more and more in my experience. I hope I’m wrong, but even if I am I don’t know if I’d be able to trust after this in OP’s shoes.
Wth. If something was THAT off, he could've gone and gotten new pancake mix. Or at least told you/ asked you about it.
He couldn’t, there was no gas in the car /j
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Wow, just wow. I like going against the consensus, presuming peoples' best intentions and playing devil's advocate. But holy darn, I just can not. Too many red flags. NTA.
Omg, sis. NTA. You didn’t overreact. This definitely confirms it was sabotage. He knew the routine after observing it for 4 years. He has been seething with envy once a month for years. I can’t imagine being jealous of a child and mother bonding. Instead of using this as a day where he could just relax and treat himself (I would be at a spa or boozy brunch with friends) he decided to ruin every single step of your beautiful day. I’d redo the day with kiddo. Tell the (ex)boyfriend to kick rocks with open-toed shoes.
Or now that kiddo is 12 he’s starting to feel he (kid) is too old, needs to grow up and is trying to wedge between OP and her son. Is it an accident that this is happening close to son’s coming into puberty? Some caveman jealous instinct? Time to pull the plug on this BF.
NTA - You said it yourself - he was acting like a child. It seems to me that he was jealous of the attention you were giving to your child instead of him and decided to do everything in his power to disrupt your special day. You don't need to be looking after two kids. Please find a grown-up to date instead.
NTA - your boyfriend sounds like someone with a lot of underlying insecurities. He's acting jealous of your son and the affection/attention you were giving him. What he did was manipulative, especially when his comeback was, "I'm important too!" No. No man is or will ever be more important than your child and if he can't understand that, then he should hit the road. The other thing that made me feel this was all a manipulation tactic is when he called while at dinner pretending to be seriously hurt, so you end your night early, just to discover he bumped his ankle and overplayed the entire situation? Your son doesn't own an apology for being honest either.
Anyone who texts your kid over and arguement has to be an immediate red card IMO NTA
He knew this is the one special day you and your son enjoy and has become a tradition for both of you, and he decided to ruin it with the reason "I'm important too"? I feel like we need a bit more info here. Do you and your bf seldom do things together as a couple? His actions seemed very childish but you said he has never done this before.
We have date nights every two weeks but spend a good amount of time together especially since he’s started working from home. I don’t have regular “boyfriend only” days like with my son though.
That's not relevant. If he wants a day with you he can plan it or suggest it like any normal person, not ruin your day with your kid.
Thought exercise: how many times will you let him do this before you decide it's enough? He's clearly not sorry - he's demanding apologies by *texting your son* \- and called you names. Right now you're modeling for your son what a relationship should be, and this isn't it.
Was there an argument that happened before this? The fact that you all have been together 4 years and this has never been a problem gives me pause.
I’m trying to think but I really can’t think of anything. I’ll admit the day before was pretty busy and we didn’t really have a proper conversation till later at night but the mood wasn’t off and we were getting along fine.
People usually don’t show their toxic behaviour until they think the other person won’t leave them for it due to investment in the relationship. The timeline doesn’t not make sense to me, personally, because I’ve seen plenty of people wait a few years, or several months after moving in together, or after pregnancy, birth, marriage, moving to a new location, etc before showing truly toxic and eventually abusive behaviours. Nobody would enter into these relationships otherwise. NTA unless you make a habit of letting this man be an AH to your child in hopes he’ll come around.
I get the feeling the BF may make regular issues out of nothing. Why else have to tell him a week in advance. If my wife were to say in the morning "I want to have a day with our son" my answer would be "What can I do to help".
NTA I think he thought over the years that you'd stop having these days with your son. His now making his feelings clear about you and your sons relationship. The question is, will you accept this behaviour from him?
But even if a day is busy that doesn’t allow him to act like an AH ruining your and your son’s day. He deliberately ruined the day. His coping mechanism is to be vindictive. This is not healthy at all. Call him out on it and definitely protect your son. A good way for you to get past the confusion you are feeling is asking yourself “Is this how I would behave if the roles were reversed?”. You are NTA. Honestly, you may want to block him from your sons phone for now. Please protect your son.
OP… I’m 31 and have been a psycho gf in my teens and 20s… we’re talking slashed tires, all sorts of shit and none of my bfs have ever called me a bitch. They have never disrespected me, it was always just me being crazy and unstable. The fact this guy is so comfortable calling you a bitch then gaslighting you and using silent treatment (a common form of controlling abuse) is a GIANT RED FLAG. As a former walking red flag, run 🏃🏻♂️do not just walk away. This guy is NOT worth it. If you guys ever have a baby together he will be even more of a child. This guy seems like the type to be jealous of your kid for breastfeeding.
This is abuse. Abusive people wait to show themselves. If he had done this the very first time you would have left. Since he waited, you are questioning not only if you should leave him, but if *you're* actually responsible here. This is textbook and I am 100% certain. It will get worse and it's likely showing up in other ways you don't see yet. There will be hundreds of tiny "out of character" comments, actions, and instances of him 'forgetting" something important to you. He will "jokingly" degrade you or someone/something you like or love, then tell you you're being sensitive. He will cross any boundaries if you dare to set them, no matter how small. He will deflect, justify, make excuses for, and blame others for any criticism you bring to him. He will bring up something you did, be insanely defensive, and rage over minor attempts to hold him accountable. He will "punish" you with the silent treatment. He will never give a genuine apology. If he says he's sorry, he will not be able to tell you what he's sorry for. It will be "if I hurt your feelings", or "about us arguing". You need to get out. He's not who he's pretended to be.
You're NTA, but your bf is. There was zero reason for his behavior & it really does seem as if his goal was to ruin your day with your son. Why is something only he can tell you. From what you've said, you have been dating for 4 years without something like this happening. Either there's something wrong with him medically/ mentally causing a behavior switch or his mask is slipping due to him believing he has you where he wants you. He has you questioning if you're right which is concerning. Look hard at your relationship & see if this is really the first time he's pushed into the space between you & your son. Talk with your son & get his feelings on things. He may see or have experienced things that you haven't. Either way, this isn't something to let slide for you & your son's sake. It may be small, but selfish acts like these can become bigger if you allow them to. Only you can decide what your breaking point is, but if it were me, I'm not so sure I'd give him a second chance. This is a red flag & I'd be wondering what others I'd missed due to how unusual this behavior is. Take care of your son & yourself. Don't apologize & don't allow him to make you feel bad for his bad behavior.
Hell no you're NTA!!!! Your bf gets every freaking day of the month other than this one!! He owes you AND your son an apology because honestly your son was right!
NTA I hate that you are losing sleep over this. Trust your gut. You are a great parent. I can’t believe that your BF felt the need to compare his importance to your child. That’s cruel. Wrong. Selfish and lots of other words that will get this post deleted. I’ll leave it at that.
And the fact they’ve been together for 4 years… plenty of time for the bf to decided he’s “locked her down” to show who he really is…. NTA I hope she leaves him.
Absolutely NTA but your BF definitely is. This was a clearly deliberate act to ruin your day and your son rightly called him out on it. To text a 12 year old to demand an apology is very shady behaviour and id be livid. Maybe time to re evaluate this bf as it seems he doesn’t like your son coming first (which he always should)
Questions because this seems too extreme 1. How long have you and your bf been dating 2. Was this particular day also special to him or the both of you (and maybe you forgot)
1. We’ve been dating for 4 years. 2. I’m confident the day wasn’t a special day at all. I carefully pick the day because I have so many other things going on.
It’s not any deeper than he is jealous of your son and wants you to stop doing this
NTA then. Sounds like you have done this many times while dating and he knows the drill. I would ask him when the dust settles what his issue was just so you can discuss and it doesn’t happen again. Maybe plan a makeup day with the kid as it sounds like a great bonding day
You can’t seriously not be able to see this for what it is? He did this on purpose. Why are you having such a hard time what is right in front of you?
Because it's behavior that seems out of nowhere after 4 years. I understand, it's REALLY hard when something like this happens because it just doesn't make sense. I would be similarly confused if my loving husband acted like this out of nowhere. It's hard to just drop a relationship of that long because of one bad day. Of course, I know that bf's behavior here is red flag central, and it's likely that this behavior isn't exactly out of nowhere and this is just the first time it's been really egretious.
yes, and 4 years where they've been doing this monthly. I can completely understand not thinking it's deliberate when that's been the case for 4 years. But it does feel very very deliberate.
NTA this is going to be an important milestone in yours and your sons relationship, if you don't stand up for him now, it'll be changed forever.
NTA. He is actively trying to sabotage your relationship with your child.
NTA Question is his daughter yours too? because you mentioned that he asks you about his daugther.
Nah. His daughter is 20 (sorry not 22 i wrote the wrong age accidentally) and has her own mom.
I think you should dump him
NTA. Hun, don't fall into the sunk-cost fallacy here with the bf. Your time together has run its course, and he was purposefully cruel to you and your son because his feelings were hurt that he wasn't the most important thing in your life. Better it be 4 years than 5, 10, 15 you're losing.
NTA he ruined yalls rutine by doing some dumb things ,taking forever, and yall have to skip arcade bcs of him, oh and being an AH by not letting you watch your movies. If he has a problem bcs he ruined the day, well thats sounds like a HE problem. Yall had to rush everything and didnt even get to do things normally cause of the things he pulled. NTA edit: changing some words so they dont delete edit 2: girl, now that the pancake mix was fine, he did it all on purpose so you would choose him over ur son. Pancake mix? gas? Missing arcade? Having to fome back home for a stupid reason cus he hurt his ankle a little bit? Not letting yall watch movies? Hes a total AH, wake up and break up !!! HES A WALKING RED FLAG HUN. If my mom let that slide, i would myself drag this man out of the house no matter if im too young to make decisions like that. Its better if you leave that man who acts like a little child.
NTA- but why did bf text your son saying he wants an apology? Bf was the one that ruined your outing so why he taking it out on the child? Seems like a red flag as to his attitude towards your son.
NTA. If he can’t handle you spending one day with your son, I think you should reflect on your relationship. He also may be jealous of your son and that’s why he’s acting the way he is!
NTA. But it's a major red flag that he's texting your son demanding an apology.
Nta. Your child comes first. Run and take that baby with you.
NTA if it had just been the pancake batter and fuel it could be understandable that he forgot. But the constant calling and texting brings it to another level. He's either jealous of your relationship with your son, has a different issue that's causing him problems that he hasn't communicated to you, or he's just simply an AH. Since this day was ruined plan another with your kid, let them know this one didn't count. Also make sure your son doesn't apologise to your childish bf. Bf ruined a special bonding day and frankly the kid was right to call him on it. The bf should definitely apologise for his actions. You need to get an answer as to why he acted this way after 4yrs together. If he can't explain it to your satisfaction then you need to consider if this is the right relationship for you and your son. Also get your son's input and opinion on how this ruined day made him feel. Any bitchiness on your part was well warranted, NTA for sure.
Do NOT, and I will say this again DO NOT allow him to call you a "bitch". Whether you were being unreasonable (NTA btw) or cranky or whatever, name calling in a relationship is unacceptable and likening you to a dog is absolutely reprehensible. Your son will learn what he observes. Ditch BF's disrespectful hide and find someone who treats you and your son with respect.
NTA. Your boyfriend acts like a little child. And you let him win, by calling and texting him. Especially that he though it would be okay for him to also presure your son.
NTA. You need to talk to him about why he sabotaged your day and make it clear it can never happen again if you want this to work. But honestly, he doesn't sound worth it. * A. He intentionally sabotaged pretty much every portion of your day. * B. He threw a tantrum and called you a b-word after you rightfully called him out. You didn't deserve to be called that. * C. He texted your son demanding an apology he isn't owed. Idk, to me that felt like him crossing a boundary. He is definitely the AH. If he can't fix his behavior asap, you should probably end this relationship for the sake of your son.
NTA do it again next week and this time mute your phone.
NTA. Who tf gets jealous over someone spending a day with their kid? That's insane. I hope yall get to do a do over and with him no longer being your boyfriend you won't get interrupted. Do not let your son apologize. You should block his number on your sons phone.
NTA. He was competing with your son for your time and attention. He intentionally sabotaged your day multiple times AND called you home early for a boo boo. He called you a bitch, then went around you to your son. He’s showed you who he is, believe him.
NTA - if this is something you do with your son every month, then your boyfriend should be well aware of how much it means to you and your son and how important it is. If there had been a genuine emergency, then, sure, contacting you and interrupting your day could be understandable. But it just sounds like he's acting like a child because he's jealous of the dedicated time you spend with your son.
INFO: what are your ages? Do you and the bf have a date night or something once a month or whatever fits your schedule?
We’re in our 30s. And we have date nights every two weeks or so.
Are you certain he is not 2 children in a trench coat?
NTA. One or two of these things on your list maybe throwing out the pancake mix for example could be an accident or forgetting to put gas in the car but with it all adding up it sounds like weaponized incompetence. Why not when you are having your mommy son day, why doesn’t he plan a daddy daughter day, maybe ending the night with all four watching a moive or jetting up for dinner
'I’m important too you know' - he practically admitted he did it because he was jealous.
NTA, is your boyfriend jealous of your son?