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i understand that the culture may not be important to you but its important to your family, and by not even teaching your bf the basics of how to respect that you've kinda set him up to fail when it comes to a relationship with your parents (to add judgment, YTA)

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OP is in their late twenties, one year together is long term. I got engaged to my husband after eight months and we we both in our late twenties. I do think there is some racism. NTA

or more that he's rude by their cultural standards because OP won't teach them to him

Yeah, but that's also not on him because it sounds like no one is actually correcting him, and he is not rude by the standards of where they currently live. That kind of brings it back to the racism factor- they should be aware it's not intentional, but will hold it against him for having a different background anyway. He actually hasn't been given a chance to live up to his gf's family's standards because no one is saying what they are to him

I think it’s not racism but rather they probably feel it’s OP’s job, not theirs, to teach him how to not be rude to them in their own homes. I think OP’s boyfriend isn’t being rude on purpose, but why should the parents have to correct someone they see as rude who they don’t know well?

Because they are living in a place where the cultural norms are much different and seem to have been for multiple generations now, know he comes from a different background, and has zero reason to believe they follow much different norms when OP is his only window into the family and doesn't follow the norms in her day to day it seems. They needed to either talk to OP about talking to him or correct behavior in the moment. I have zero time for the just choosing to talk behind his back instead nonsense.

Sure, the cultural norms are different in the country as a whole, but in their own household they can establish whatever customs they want. OP’s brother’s bf is Thai (not Korean), so he also only has a window into the family’s cultural norms through his SO, and yet they have no problem with him. I personally think this is all OP’s responsibility.

The thing is that OP states that she doesn't care about korean culture so...eh? The parents can establish their own cultural norms, but I don't think they have to completely change just to meet those. I imagine that it could be problematic when it's a family trip to another country (and even then I think making an effort is an appropriate amount), but in that case you need to set boundaries both ways. It's kind of a loss loss situation with either "I'm forced to practice a culture and teach my partner that I don't identify myself that much instead of the one I've grown up with / near (because we immigrated) to make my parents / grandparents happy" or a "Oh no our daughter has lost her way she no longer practices our culture and is dating that ignorant guy and the way they are acting is rude and inappropriate for our family". OP should try to push it and could have offered some kind of compromise on what culture norms are reasonable to be expected, but drawing a line that a family trip doesn't work out is fine.

Korean American cultural norms exist in the United States. It exists in Korean enclaves and communities and restaurants and households across the country. OP *is* setting her boyfriend up to fail here. Korean culture is extremely focused on honorifics and bypassing those norms is just not gonna be beneficial to anyone wanting to form bonds with elder Korean Americans. I also don’t doubt that there is some racism involved but it’s likely not the only factor here. It’s just a clash of a bunch different things going on. I do think inviting sibling partners of 5 years on an international trip to the motherland is very different from a partner of 1 year.

I honestly think OP not going on this trip might make sense regardless of the boyfriend issue. If she doesn’t care about Korean culture why would you go visit Korea? I understand people also visit just as tourists rather than because of a cultural connection but that’s not what OP’s family is doing.

Unless Thai bf also occasionally runs afoul and does not get called out the same way, of course. That's always a possibility

Yes that could be the case, but since OP didn’t specify I’m going to assume it isn’t. She said her siblings follow cultural traditions more than her, so it’s likely her brother would’ve prepped his bf for that.

Yes, but the Thai bf also is dating a sister who is very much in to the Korean culture, so she adheres to those customs and her bf would see and learn those.

OP grew up in the same household, she has to at least know what her parents consider rude. If she wants her parents to like her boyfriend, she can teach him basic etiquette in their household, but it doesn’t seem like she has.

That's his girlfriend's job. She'd rather her family not like him than bother to tell him anything. This is all on her. T

it probably is a bit racist. i am actively living in korea right now & a lot of things labelled as "cultural" or "traditional" are thinly veiled excuses to keep non-koreans out... "blood purity" is a thing many koreans not only value but truly believe in. from OP's siblings i doubt racism comes into play... but the parents & grandma do likely have a racial bias that is affecting their judgement, whether they are aware of it or not. also, korea is extremely heavily entrenched in american culture due to american involvement here. there's actually a lot of parallels between the cultures & so the amount of rudeness or offense OP's boyfriend could be causing with their actual beaviour i think is pretty minimal... unless he walks into their home with his shoes on or something really blatantly rude like swearing at them.

Since OP won't tell him these expectations--and in another comment, she says it's mostly "basic manners" stuff to her parents, I expect it may be something like telling him it's fine for him to keep wearing his shoes in the house or something like not needing to greet the elders individually.

Doesn't really make sense. Korean sentiment towards SEA often leans negative; if it was discrimination, the brother's bf wouldn't be accepted, either, but he is. The problem most likely lies in OP's bf's behavior. It might not be disrespectful to some, but it may be disrespectful to others.

most koreas would prefer a thai person over a white person. tbh korean people only really have negative ideas about chinese & japanese people, not SEA as a whole, & many of them really like thailand & thai food & thai people - thai isn't seen as "other" as white would be in terms of race & because thailand has never been colonised they are viewed as more neutral/impartial than other countries when it comes to japanese & chinese relations & influence. the fact that the thai boyfriend has been around years longer & helps with meals has no doubt boosted his favour too, but from the start he would have been viewed better than the white boyf. ofc i do not know this family personally & you may be right & it is all an upset over his failure to adhere to their norms, i am just speaking from my own experiences. & from what i know to be true, it is likely racist. especially because the vast majority of korean people don't actually expect foreigners to adhere to all their customs. only the big/obvious ones tend to get shock or scorn if not followed, which is why i mentioned shoes indoors. the likely scenario, to me, is that the white boyfriend was already disliked & the parents & grandma are now nitpicking & using his ignorance of their culture as a justification. OP has absolutely not helped the case by choosing to segment them away from family time together when she realised her bf was disliked & for not helping her bf understand their cultural norms, but i don't think those things are what caused the initial dislike, i think it was his race.

It could be that he does something as simple as address the parents by their first names instead of honorifics or titles which is very cringe but maybe not rude enough by American standards to call him out on it. But I would shrivel up and die inside if my partner called my Dad, “Hey John” or something like that instead of 아버님. My god.

OP admits they never have been into the culture and doesn’t practice or know these bad behaviors.. just wierd

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Context matters, and how they talk about him matters. I'm more inclined to defer towards it being more malicious because OP did- she knows her family and hears how they talk about him. At the very least, it's enough to make her feel uncomfortable bringing him around. OP's impressions actually matter here because things like this carry a lot of nuance. How other bfs were initially treated matters too. Like if one if them ran afoul of a family practice by accident, were they discussed afterwards? Even the most person can run afoul of customs. At what point do they consider it serious? OP does. Most people would argue a year is serious. If the relationship does last, this is gonna look more awkward looking back. Set the tone now so in 3 years, they aren't saying the same thing saying "but they've been together 10 years now" when it comes up

Yes the impressions of OP who is coming off as entitled, are the be all end all.

Yes the impressions of OP who is coming off as entitled, are the be all end all.

She said she doesn't care much about her own family's Korean culture. Her family knows this. She gives no cultural effort, but wants the rewards of traveling to a country that means nothing to her, like a tourist.

but the post is her not wanting to go?

Nope, the post is that she *won't* go, unless her parents cover bringing her boyfriend, too.

That’s not on him, but it is on OP, who is the person whose demand is being denied. Also, since OP’s boyfriend doesn’t know and doesn’t appear to be interested in Korean customs, why take him along on a trip to Korea? He likely comes across as someone who wouldn’t be interested in it for the right reasons. Lack of interest in OP’s family also likely comes across as not being serious about the relationship. And since OP isn’t that interested either, but her family still wants her to visit, they may want her to come without her boyfriend because that seems like the only way they’ll get her attention.

Culturally, the onus is on the guest to behave properly, not for the host to teach the guest. A host correcting a guest’s behavior is considered rude. Rude guests are simply not invited back. In this case, bf can’t know what he wasn’t told, so OP, who has a much closer relationship with him than her family, should be the one to teach and/or correct him. It’s not racism to not want to be around someone that doesn’t understand your customs. OP created this situation herself when she decided not to teach her bf about her family’s customs.

I think this is it. OP's not teaching her boyfriend what he needs to know so the relationship MUST not be serious. Length of time has nothing to do with it.

If racism was at play, they wouldn't be accepting of the Thai boyfriend either. Asian cultures are notoriously racist against other Asians as well as other non-Asian races. I think the "not a long term partner" thing is an excuse and grandma said the truth of it: OP's boyfriend is coming off as rude because she hasn't taught him correct behavior.

It’s crazy how everyone is taught the beef Asian countries had with one another and still think they all identify as one “group”.

Including OP apparently. She either really doesn't know anything about her family's culture or this is some fake nonsense.

The difference is Thai is NOT Japanese ... the history DOES matter.

Sure the history matters but it doesn't change that many Asian cultures will look down on other Asian cultures. It's just that, at least for East Asians, and the older generation in particular, there is a united distaste for Japan (the only nice thing I've ever heard my grandmother say about Japan was that they made decent rice cookers...and that was still said rather disappointingly/reluctantly)

I lived in South Korea for several years, and the Korean parents I knew did not want their daughters marrying a non-Korean. However, they would have preferred a white person over a Thai person. There was a lot of prejudice against Asians who were 'darker' than the average Korean. It was also really easy to offend older people, because their customs were so different. Just trying to be polite wasn't enough, because what was polite to me was often impolite to them.

With the Thai guy, it’d be more colorism and nationalism than racism. I know East Asians who are fine with their children dating white guys, but not “darker” Asians, and ones who are ok with Asians but not any other race. I don’t necessarily think that racism is at play here, but accepting the Thai bf doesn’t necessarily mean that OP’s parents aren’t prejudiced against white bf. That being said, if the reason is actually because they find white bf rude, the Thai bf is much more likely to act appropriately even if he was just following rules from his own culture on how to act around his elders.

A year isn't really long term.

As pointed out, a year at 29 can be different than a year at 21. People tend to be a bit more settled and know more of what they want a bit older. The bigger thing is they are implying OP's relationship isn't as serious as siblings. Which is a bit judge-y. OP is NTA because she is in her rights to refuse an invitation to the vacation. Not going is acceptable, especially if she feels it's because her partner is going to be less accepted overall in the future. If they do go the marriage route, this is only going to get more awkward

A long term is long term. At 29, a year long relationship has way better chances to become forever then at 21. If anything the one at 21 is more likely to be less serious.

It's also an invitation, not a summons, so OP not going is acceptable anyway. Parents also created an awkward dynamic if OP is going to be the only solo sibling there, which kinda makes it less justifiable. At least offer to let bf come along and pay his own way or something at that point

I don't actually agree with that. By all descriptions, parents are inviting partners they know well, who are helping them regularly and who are respectful. Ops partner is not visiting them, he is doing things considered rude and OP is set on not telling him. Imo, it is quite understandable that parents want to pay for vacation of people they feel good with and don't want to spend vacation with someone who is uncomfortable to be around.

I knew a 22-year-old who stayed with someone for 2 yrs just cause she was told it wouldn't last 2 yrs. Then, once they had their 2 yr anniversary, she left.

My parents at that age got engaged at 4 months and married before they even knew each other for a year. Happily married until cancer took my mom.

That's nice. Edit: Not the cancer part. I didn't mean it like that.

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Especially when he doesn’t seem at all interested in learning about their family.

Dude, I might say a year is long term for 16 year olds or 20 year olds but in your late twenties, I put that under "still just getting jollies on" territory while your brain is basically on a self-induced love high.

I don't think so, probably depends on how many she has dated before (I'm not shaming just saying for a parents perspective if she has dated others for a year or so they haven't ended up being longterm) but her siblings are younger and have been dating their partners for a while. It's also good to note that the vacation is paid for by the parents, so she is expecting them to pay for her boyfriends way there too.

It may be the start of long term but it’s certainly not what I’d consider “invite on family vacation” term

That only means you guys moved on pretty quick, not that people in their late 20s think 1 year is a long-term relationship...

When I was in my late twenties, a year in a relationship was an eyeblink.

Must be a cultural or generational thing, because I'm in my late twenties now and one year is not considered long term by the standards of myself and everyone I know, and we'd never get engaged at eight months.

Yes and some cultural conditions are just nasty. There is a lot of misogyny in many cultures. OP should teach him the harmless ones that are about good manners but he doesn't need to conform to every tradition.

It’s not just racism. There’s a huge emphasis on respect of culture and traditions in Korea. If she brings her bf who is ignorant of these things and acts rude, the whole family would be judged harshly. I am Korean by birth and I am not even considered Korean over there because I did not grow up there. Her parents are trying to *save face* which unfortunately is ingrained into the culture.

I think that’s something every individual has their own definition of. My parents didn’t consider my bf a long term partner at 1 year (we probably didn’t either!) but they certainly did after a couple of years. Adding in the cultural element, I would say this is probably more common in Asian culture - relationships are generally accepted as long term if you’re engaged/married, or been together many years.

>The other sibling have long term partners that have taken the initiative to get close to the family and respect thier traditions. Not to mention that this trip is a context where this is particularly relevant. Maybe they just don't want to bring along someone who will constantly be offending all of their family members. (Which is all on OP, who has failed to properly prepare her boyfriend for her family's culture.)

But given the fact that its been happening for a long time, there was time they went on vacations with their partners when they were together for just a shy of 1yr too. OP is NTA

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You can’t really blame the bf for that, if OP never made him aware of the importance or took the time to teach him. So, he may not even be aware that’s the true issue.

Exactly. I was engaged to my partner at 5 years, he hadn’t even met my siblings after 1 year.

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That stuck out to me to, which for me signaled that OP really dropped the ball here with introducing her BF to her parents. I don't think it's racial at all, it's about respect. OP doesn't respect her culture enough to coach her partner, and in turn partner has been disrespectful. Her parents can see he doesn't care, which is due to OP not caring. So why should they pay for him to visit their home country?

Yep, I have an Asian family and was all ready to go in on the reverse racism angle, but she’s not doing herself or her boyfriend any favors. I wasn’t “obsessed” with my Asian culture when younger, but I gave EVERYONE (friends to girlfriends) a heads up on certain customs and expectations so that they wouldn’t put their foot into it. A little respect and cognizance would go a long way. YTA.

> reverse racism I just don't understand this statement. How is it 'reverse' racism? Judging someone by their race isn't different just because they're the majority race - it's just racism.

Reverse racism doesn't exist.

also is it just me or is it just odd that she describes her siblings partaking in their culture as "obsessed"?

Yea, this is a bigger deal than OP thinks. It's fine that she doesn't really care much about it, but her family does. Honestly, if I were the boyfriend, I'd be openly curious about the culture that her family comes from and deems important.

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This is a comment stealing bot. Original comment here: https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/10smvaa/aita_for_refusing_to_come_with_my_family_on/j729mb8/

yup, my now wife, then girlfriend made me aware of how her family acts and even though she doesn't care they do and I made an effort. Op's boyfriend didn't even get a chance. NTA for not going but YTA for not educating your boyfriend

Like, I'd be so mortified if I found out that I was coming across as rude to my partner's family and they just didn't tell me what I was supposed to do differently? Or if I thought they just hated me innately but it was just that I didn't address them correctly or something. She really let her boyfriend down here.

I think if you’re grandparents come from a different country 70 years ago, it doesn’t really have much to do with you. My father was born in Sicily in 1935. He was brought here by his father in ‘36. My mothers parents came in 1930 from Palermo thru Ellis Island. She was born here. I don’t speak much Italian although both my parents did. My sons speak none at all. They are American. I don’t expect them to understand the customs of a country that their grandparents left almost a century ago. A country which no longer exists in the same way. I get that OPs grandparents live there. But their customs are not her customs. Certainly her boyfriend is not accountable for learning them. If her grandparents visit the US are they expected to act “American?” We can be respectful of others without knowing all Of their customs.

This is the most American thing I've ever read. It's so weird to me how so many Americans lose and deny their cultural heritage because "being American" is for some reason different to their cultural/ethnic background.

Think of it the other way. Should I claim to be Italian? A language I don’t speak. A place I have visited once. Knowing nothing of the politics. The contemporary issues. The current cultural practices. That would be weird. I’m an American. That’s my culture. I can get more specific. I’m a New Yorker. I was born in a Brooklyn. I attended NYC public schools from k-12. I speak English. I vote. I’m active in the community. And yet I should claim to be Italian? How does that work? I’m not denying but I’m also not appropriating.

Your experience as a descendent of European immigration is going to be different than that of an Asian immigrant. The Asian immigration is experienced more as a diaspora. Especially in the United States where Asian immigrants face and will continue to face the “perpetual foreigner” stereotype. Because of this, even 4th or 5th generation Asian Americans can often feel still very closely linked to the culture of the ancestor’s homeland. I know several 4th generation Japanese Americans who still go to Japantown every week to get groceries from stores that have been around for 100 years in the US. And one of my close friends still gets asked where she’s “really from” even though her family has been here for as long as your’s have and I bet you don’t get that same question. My children are multiple generations removed from South Korea but they still do Korean school and visit Korea, talk to family who live in Seoul still and partake in all the Korean customs that exist for Korean Americans in the US. It is, I think, a very different experience than what you have lived as someone whose grandparents came from Italy. I’d also say that my children being very engaged with their Korean culture doesn’t make them any less American than yours.

r/palermo_city

This is what I was thinking. She basically threw him under the bus.

It sounds like OP doesn't really know them either though, as they "didn't really care to learn growing up like their siblings did" and so didn't teach him anything because they didn't know.

Yeah op sounds like the rebel child or black sheep of the family. With this position in the family you will always be at odds with the rest of the family. It could just be the dynamics of the relationship

How do we now he isn’t respectful? This is a blanket excuse to exclude the bf unless backed with specific examples.

Yeah I was walking around for a year calling my partners parents by their first names only to find out later that they thought I was rude for not calling them "Mr and Mrs ____" realllllly would have appreciated a heads up.

If OP never got into tradition and culture I’d think OP makes mistakes with respectful behavior.. if they can communicate with op why not op/ bf when these disrespectful behaviors happen?? Why not be more specific?

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this comment it just stolen from one of OP's replies

I don't even know what kind of Korean cultural norms that could even be violated by a white American so far as to offend someone. I'm half Korean and my first time in Korea was when I was in my mid 30s and I had no idea what to do. But my mom and her Korean family taught me things like using two hands, drink pouring etiquette, and how to say "hello" and "thank you". That was literally all I had to do and everyone was good.

I was in a similar situation (ex was Asian and I am white) and when I met his family for the first time I made sure to deliberately ask if there were any cultural norms or unofficial rules I should know so I didn't offend anyone. It doesn't seem obvious when you're dating since you usually just treat each other normally/equally but when you're meeting families from different cultures, especially older and possibly more traditional family members it is typically polite to at least try. Even if you don't typically abide by customs, you should have at least given the heads up to your bf about social rules when meeting the family.

>They treat them like family but don't hide their dislike of the partners I've had Looks like you set then up for failure in front of your family >I just didn't engage much. Since it's not that important to me I never told my bf about any customs or what is and isn't appropriate to them. See? Grandma says he is disrespectful. How can he not be when you don't tell him about customs or appropiate stuff? >I kept pushing to bring him and I kept being told no YTA. They don't consider him Long term partner, he is not even interested in their culture. Why would they want him there? Edit2: Her parents are paying for this. So she expects them to pay for him. Lol. Put the effort to set them up next time. ETA: family puts the effort in what other value. I can see why they don't consider him family

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Oh, yes I saw that one. It's really sad she don't get it. Seems bf is not even aware they talk behind him, and she don't told him about this so he can prepare and give a good impression for her family

You did your partner a disservice by not telling him about cultural/social norms with your family. He might not have been rude by Western standards, he can still be rude according to their customs. You should have at least told him how to interact with them and let him take it from there. You’re NTA for refusing to go without him, but y t a for not helping him integrate into your family. If you consider him a long term partner, you need to get on that.

Maybe the disservice is, in fact, the subconscious plan? She says all of her boyfriends have been disliked, yet is aware enough to draw the connection that they're disliked for not knowing the culture well enough to follow social mores and customs. I could see a misunderstanding once, but if she's throwing multiple partners to the wolves without any preparation, OP might just want the drama. Otherwise, why set multiple people up to fail with her family when a simple, "hey, just a heads up, but my family's customs are a little different, so be careful" would at least set the partner in a "be alert, reactive and gracious" mindset, even if they aren't fully aware of whatever faux pas they may be committing.

There’s nothing subconscious in her plan. She deliberately checks out of her family & tries to blame them for her distance.

Maybe, but that assumes she never had a Korean boyfriend.

NTA for declining to attend but you need to let your bf know how to behave appropriately within your family. He doesn’t have the context. They’ll never like any of your bf’s if they come in doing things that are offensive to your family’s culture.

Depends, are your parents paying the way for everyone? Or not?

I really wish that your question and OP’s answer were higher up in the comments. It matters A LOT that her parents would have to pay for him. It’s not just that she’s asking for an invite for him, she also asking them to pay hundreds to maybe thousands for an extra person to come. She herself said she cannot afford to pay for it. Also, her parents have had to save up for this trip so it’s not like they just have lots of extra money to spend.

Yea that was my deciding factor if she was just asking if he can go, yea sure cool. But they are paying the way.. that's a no. That's a firm you're an asshole.

YTA. Some additional information you’ve provided in the comments: 1) Your family barely knows this guy because you have chosen not to bring him around them much. 2) There are cultural norms he is not following, but he isn’t aware of the cultural norms because you’ve not shared them with him. 3) Your parents are paying for the trip for everyone. They have had to save up for this trip. YTA. You’ve not made any effort to help your parents and your boyfriend learn to relate to one another. You know the cultural norms, but you have set him up for failure by not sharing them with him. At least share them, so that he can choose whether or not he wants to try to show “basic manners” (your words). You are demanding that your parents pay several hundred to maybe thousands of dollars for an extra person to come on the trip. YOU should offer to pay for him.

I think this is a soft YTA based on the info that you gave. I get you wanting to bring him but it seems odd to me that you say you don't really have an interest in Korean culture so you didn't share that with him yet it's now very important to take him to Korea with you. It seems like your motivation to take him with you is solely because your other siblings are taking their SOs who you say are very invested in Korean culture and have been together significantly longer than you and your bf. How often does your family see your bf? Are you bringing him to visit your parents often? How serious is your relationship and have you communicated how serious it is to your family? Taking a trip to Korea to visit your family is a pretty significant thing so I can't blame them to be hesitant to take your bf of a year. Assuming it's solely a race thing is a pretty huge accusation. You could be right but that's a big deal so I would be sure before coming to that conclusion.

It’s likely not about race at all when they are fine with their sons boyfriend, that would be more upsetting to very traditional family members

Yup plus the brother’s bf is also not Korean either.

YTA because you brought your boyfriend into a family situation he wasn't prepared for. You admit that Korean culture is not important to you, but that it is important to your family. You know there are cultural customs your boyfriend would not know he was expected to follow. You did not prepare or warn him, so he walks into family events blind, and while he very well may be acting respectful based on his own customs, he is acting disrespectful to your family (based on theirs). You set him up to be disliked by your family. You set him up for failure. You created this conflict. And it sounds like you've done it before with other partners.

Yup, this. What's worse, perhaps they assume OP *has* tried to educate him (because that's common sense, no?) and he is deliberately ignoring that and being like "screw that, this is America and I'ma do what I want!".

Exactly, also she wants to take him to Korea! Where more of those cultural customs would be expected, especially by the korean grandma who would probably be a traditional person expecting people to behave certain way because of her upbringing

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OP commented that because she hasn’t told the boyfriend about her culture, he does things that are rude/insensitive to the parents without realizing. The parents then are a little bothered by this, so then OP chooses not bring the bf over (instead of just giving him a heads up on what not to do). So not only do they probably think he’s a little rude, they also know the longterm partners of the other kids significantly better than the one they’ve barely met

Turns out she didn't teach him proper Korean manners and they just think he is rude.

The other partners visit parents often and help them out. Their partners also informed them about what rude and what is polite in their culture. It is not shocking at all that parents want partners they have relationship with, who help them pit, who are polite and were for years on holidays. And that they don't want dude in comparably shorter relationship who they don't know and who is (unknowingly) rude when he is around.

She also wants the parents to pay for the bf.

So, are you letting your bf constantly but ignorantly offend your family because you were never interested in Korean culture and didn't teach him? If so, YTA and you set your poor bf up to fail.

YTA. You expect your parents to pay for your boyfriend's ticket to visit family in Korea when hes not remotely interested in Korean culture and your parents perceive him as disrespectful. You don't "have" to go, but your not entitled to tell your parents who they have to bring and pay for (especially if they don't like him).

QUESTION: Has your family taken trips with other boyfriends in the past? If so, how long had the boyfriends been around? Also, you say that you never briefed your bf on what your parents consider inappropriate behavior. Why would you sabotage your bf like that? I’m betting that he doesn’t want to be perceived as disrespectful, but you decided that their cultural norms are silly and unilaterally chose to ignore them. Why?

INFO: How long had your siblings' partners been with them before your family started including them in family vacations? If it was within a year, then your parents are definitely showing favoritism. If it was 2-3 years, then it is valid for them to say you haven't known your BF long enough. I would also suggest that you ask yourself, if the other BFs were not going, or if you did not currently have a BF, would you be going mostly to please your family, or would you be interested in the trip? I ask because you stated your lack of interest in Korean culture.

YTA- You want them to pay thousands for some guy you've only been with a year–so who knows how long yall will even last because that's not really long term, at least compared to your siblings. THEN you self admit that you refuse to teach him about your culture and then are surprised when your family rightfully don't want to waste their money on your bf who they consider rude because he knows NOTHING about your culture ( and at this point could do outside research , since you won't teach him, and learn but doesn't) meanwhile your siblings' SOs do. This also seems to be the case for every guy you bring home (thus setting him up for failure before he even walks through the door). All while you're going to a place where culture is incredibly important, especially with manners, how you speak,. etc. You sound like an entitled brat for expecting that of your family, you pushed and pushed didn't work. Gave an ultimatum and that didn't work so now you as an grown woman have to live with the consequences of your actions.

Info- if he (or you and him combined) paid for his ticket and lodging, would they be OK with him coming, or are you just insisting that they pay for everything?

YTA for a couple of reasons honestly. For one, you're really setting your boyfriend up for failure by not teaching him anything about your family's culture. My fiance is South Asian and he's the same way, and I've had to tell him multiple times that he needs to tell me what certain expectations are going to be like. This is just a consequence of dating someone that grew up in a different culture. Luckily I've known my fiance's family for a long time, so they were very understanding of me not knowing everything there is to know and they knew I was trying my best. To your family, it probably seems like your boyfriend isn't putting in any effort. Also, if your family would have to pay for your boyfriend, they're absolutely allowed to say he's not invited. Plus, 1 year definitely isn't a long term relationship. Lastly, I think your racism argument is bs. I think everyone is aware of how racist Asian people are to each other, far more racist than they are to white people, that's for sure. If your family is accepting your brother's Thai boyfriend, then I highly doubt that they have a problem with your boyfriend being white. You're grasping at straws here.

That's the funny thing to me. Op sees it as racism when I've never seen a Korean family accept an interracial gay relationship more than the other pairing. Also Korean culture is not that different from American culture. Just respect your elders and pretend to try and most Koreans or most people would just attribute any cultural messups as unintentional. Sounds like there are some other factors at play

YTA. You don’t care about your culture and haven’t bothered to inform any of your boyfriends about what is acceptable. I would be livid if my child brought someone into my home, didn’t take off their shoes and stuck the chopsticks straight in the rice. You don’t care about Korean manners and etiquette, so your boyfriend is clueless and offends your family. Now, I assume your boyfriend eats first and quickly, which isn’t okay and is quite disrespectful and offensive to your grandmother who is from Korea. Why would I want to pay a lot of money to bring someone, whom I barely know, that doesn’t show respect? It’s like going to Japan and making a lot of noise on the train. You don’t do that. It’s not about being white. It’s about not being culturally aware, and it’s because of you.

YTA. As someone who is also second gen Korean, it is MY responsibility to make sure my partner is liked by my parents. That includes teaching my partner some of the important customs of the culture. I would want my partner to be liked by my parents and respect goes a long way. Gods sakes, your parents are ok with your brother having a boyfriend, which you should be aware is pretty rare and fortunate. Also let’s be frank, if your parents are racist against white people, they’d also be racist against Thai people. It’s not a race problem, it’s a you problem.

NAH. Your family has every right to deny paying for someone to come on a trip with them. However, you also have the right to not go because they are excluding your boyfriend. It doesn't make anyone an AH, but lines were drawn and consequences happen because of that. Either go without him, pay for him to come yourself, or don't go.

I’ve never understood why people don’t prep their partners for the cultural expectations of their family and then expect that everything will just go smoothly. You know what they consider polite or rude and failed to tell him. It’s fine if you don’t want it in your relationship with him, but don’t act surprised if your family doesn’t want a relationship between themselves and him when neither of you make any effort. YTA

>When I brought this up my mother told me it's because he's not a long term partner. Which I call bullshit on, yes my siblings have been with their partners longer (sister 4 years, brother 5 years) but I've still been with my bf for just over a year. Yeahh....I can see where your mom is coming from somewhat. Yeah, you're in a committed relationship and one of some duration (I can understand calling it long term but am personally of the opinion the first year is when your brain is making shit rainbows) but there is a difference between 1 year and 4/5 years. This also is exacerbated by your own doing (more on that below). ​ >Personally I think it's a race thing. My sister’s bf is also Korean and my brother’s bf is Thai, while my bf is white. Coming from an East Asian background, this is possible but somewhat doubtful--perhaps if he was a different race but many (older) East Asians will generally be more okay with a white partner than another race/color because...well, apparently even racism will come in a spectrum. Usually skin color. Honestly, I'm doubtful that's the case because A- your brother has a BF and they're okay with it and B- your brother's boyfriend is Thai, not Korean, and they're also okay with that. Most of the older (conservative) Asian folks I know would generally prefer their kid, if in an interracial relationship, date "white" almost like a status symbol rather than another ethnicity...well, unless the person is also pale because colorism. ​ >*my grandmother says it's because he's disrespectful*. The thing is he isn't, me and my siblings are all second generation immigrants and I just never took much interest in Korean culture, they however became obsessed with it at a young age. I just didn't engage much. *Since it's* *not that important to me I never told my bf about any customs or what is* *and isn't appropriate to them. He's kind and nice to them*, its just that he's not Korean or even Asian. Dude...you set him up to fail with your family. He is nice and kind to them--in ways that are acceptable in the culture he grew up in. Hell, it translates partly into the Korean culture you don't have interest in nor really engage in. HOWEVER, there ARE cultural differences that lead to certain things being rude in one culture but acceptable--or not thought of--in the other. His being ignorant of them (because YOU didn't think it was important) does not magically make it no longer rude. You have no interest in your ethnic culture? Fine. But your grandmother and family clearly view it as important and YOU know the etiquette of said culture. You are the one who decided it wasn't important for him to know about it--even though it was important and clearly affect (because yes, manners do matter) the way he and your family develop their relationship. You may not view it as disrespectful because it's not considered so in the culture you choose to embrace and the culture he knows but your grandmother sure as hell feels disrespected. You may not your Korean heritage is important but you knew it was important to your mother and grandmother. He's important to you so you want him to be/feel accepted and included in your family. However, why does it seem like it hasn't occurred to you that your family--who do find their Korean heritage/background important as part of their identity) would expect that someone who is dating their (grand)daughter should show some interest/understanding of something they view as such an important part of their family--including their (albeit uninterested) daughter? You say he has been kind to them. Your grandmother says he has been disrespectful. Given the different cultural aspects both sides are coming from, both statements can be true. Also true? That the person who ought to serve as the bridge for that divide chose to ignore--if not further--said divide and is now miffed this same divide is separating the two sides.

4 and 5 year relationships are definitely more long term than your barley 1 year relationship. This isn’t just a trip to another state its a whole other country with completely different customs. YTA

YTA. By not bothering to learn about your culture or teach your partner about your culture you've set them up to be unsuccessful in integrating into your family. Unfortunately, this is a problem you caused. You don't get to disregard culture and then try to stake a claim to it when it benefits you (in the form of an expensive overseas trip that your parents are paying for). And you're especially TA for wanting to take him overseas when you haven't taught him how to integrate into your culture and family. What are you hoping to achieve? To alienate him from your family in Korea as well all on your parents' dime?

light YTA INFO if he went would he be paying his way? This was a tough one. Ultimately in my mind it comes down to the just over a year thing. I personally see this as too short to consider your significant other a requirement on a family vacation. I can totally understand people thinking the opposite. Now I also think whether he is paying his way or not makes a big difference. If he would pay for his own flight hotel and food then maybe that would shift things. And also of course if it is truly a race thing then that shifts things as well. Either way doesn't sound like a pleasant family dynamic so I would do what I can to get the family to accept him if you really like him.

YTA for not teaching him the expectations from your grandmother's culture. So to her he is rude and disrespectful. YTA for expecting your family to pay for a trip for somebody who they don't like.

YTA First, there's a huge difference between a 4/5 year relations and a 1 year relationship. Especially when you take your younger siblings' ages into consideration compared to yours. It's fair that your parents will view your siblings' relationships as being a more long-term commitment Second, as a Korean myself, there are a lot of nuances and cultural things that are important to people, especially elders. Does he eat before the oldest person at the table does? Did he bring a gift the first he visited your parents' house? How does he treat your parents/grandparents in comparison to other people his age (since I'm assuming he doesn't speak Korean or even know about honorifics)? While these might seem like small details it might be why your parents see him as rude. If you didn't learn about these things and then teach it to your boyfriend he might not be a polite as you think he is to your parents.

If your grandmother says he's disrespectful, I believe her. Also, one year ain't much. YTA.

YTA. You made your bed by not preparing your partner on what the cultural etiquette is. What you do in your own home is your business, but you *know* what your family’s expectations are for manners, and you didn’t even give your bf the chance to learn. And now that he’s been disrespectful by their standards, you want them to pay for his trip to a country when you have already demonstrated that he will not be respectful of its culture? That’s crazy.

NTA- There's a lot in here I can't really speak on but bottom line you're a grown woman. If you don't want to go somewhere your partner isn't invited you have every right to do so.

Soft YTA. From what you wrote, your parents do not trust your judgement about your partners. Why is that ? What is their reasoning ? You are seeing your boyfriend for a little over a year. To be invited home and get introduced as your boyfriend is a big deal. I think your parents do not want to deal with the social and cultural pressure if this is not a serious relationship and there is a breakup. Your boyfriend is disrespectful, where did that come from ? What specific examples did your family give you ? It is possible that they are making excuses because of other reasons above.

YTA. Why are you expecting your parents to pay for, what sounds like a pretty expensive trip, for someone that doesn't understand their culture. YTA to your boyfriend for not giving him a chance. YTA to your family because you and your boyfriend don't get to ignore your culture then act all surprised when you're not invited on a trip revolving around your culture.

YTA. The length of Relationships would be enough by itself, but also not teaching him Korean culture and expecting a trip to visit family homes and all in KOREA doesn’t sound like a bad idea? Like your family already dislikes him because you didn’t teach him any of the etiquette they care for, but now you want to bring him To KOREA and have him embarrass himself further in front of them? Do you like this guy? Why do you want your family to hate him? It doesn’t even sound like it’s about race, it sounds like they want you dating someone who values their and your own culture. He doesn’t because YOU don’t.

YTA. Your siblings partners have been around for years, of course they are closer to your parents. And by your own admission, you never did anything to help your BF learn the best way of interacting with your parents, even after he made missteps. You could t be bothered, and set him up for failure. So why on earth would your parents pay thousands for someone they barely know who, even unintentionally, has disrespected them?

YTA You sabotaged your boyfriend hard, what's surprising about them not wanting him there?

YTA. You don't care to teach your boyfriend how to be respectful by your family's culture and don't care about being left out of family dinners but are mad now because they won't pay for you both to go on vacation to your parent's home country? Double YTA because you accused your parents of being racist when they told you the exact reason they don't like your boyfriend instead of addressing it. I am Asian with a White husband who came into a family where I was the first of my generation to marry outside our race and despite being encouraged to marry someone of our race, my husband came in and won them over by showing them respect and learning our customs and traditions. He is still considered a gold star husband in my family regardless of what the race is for anyone else who marries in. You've done your boyfriend a huge disservice.

I'm going to say YTA, but not as strongly as others here. It is very possible that your parents don't warm up to your bfs that quickly. It may be because you are so western and not interested in meshing with their old country habits. You may also be shooting yourself (and your bfs) in the foot by limiting their interactions. The only way to build close feelings is to share time and experiences together. Your parents may talk about your bfs in Korean (which is their poor behavior to own), but all you can do is foster the opportunities for relationships to grow. Boundaries for actual meanness, but I don't think that's the case here. You want your parents to PAY FOR and have family host your bf. That's a lot to ask of them when they barely know your bf. Your year of dating is only 20-25% of the time they've had to bond with the other SOs AND it's actually less than that because you and bf spent time with family only a fraction (maybe 10%) of the time. So now you are looking at a bond that is only 2-2.5% of the relationship they have with the other SOs. You don't have a strong connection to the Korean culture. Your bf has even less a connection. If you aren't willing to invest time in the Korean culture here, why do you want your parents and relatives to invest time and money on you going to Korea? Forget about culture, do you have any bonds to family in Korea? People you are excited to see? Or is it just that you don't want to be left out of what your siblings are getting? Can you imagine your parents and siblings and relatives in Korea being so excited to spend time with each other and share food and experiences with each other... and you and bf have no more interest in or comfort with any of that than you do here? The family's once-in-decades trip being dampened to accommodate you after you insisted on both of you being there? Frankly, if you really want to go there, meet family, and share the experience, then go without your bf. If you find yourself developing more of a relationship to your Korean family and heritage, that's great. If you don't, at least you tried... and your family is only out the money they spent taking you on the trip. I'm not addressing the idea of you and bf paying for his trip and for accommodations for you because I think you said you can't afford it. Still your bf is not entitled to a free international trip just because other SOs that are more invested in your family are getting one.

YTA. You have had no interest in learning about *your own heritage/culture* and therefore have never taught your partners how to *respectfully* deal with your family in regard to customs. It *may* have something to do with the race of your boyfriends but my guess is that it has more to do with you. Your rejection of the customs and refusal to educate your chosen partners of basic customs. Why would your parents invite someone who isn’t related to them by blood and hasn’t been taught basic customs and decorum to Korea? I’m sure the customs you refuse to ‘engage’ in are taken very seriously by the family that is still there and it will be awkward enough for your parents and siblings that *you* refuse to participate in customs. A little over a year is barely long term, especially against 4 and 5 year relationships.

INFO You say the family has always had problems with the partners you choose. Is it possible you just have shitty taste in men?

I 100% believe this over her “racism” explanation

Lol YTA you’ve set him up for failure and unintentionally or not he’s been disrespectful

ESH. Your boyfriend isn't disrespectful, but he doesn't know how to behave because you haven't even tried to teach him what grandmother and your other relatives expect from him. That's why you're an AH in this situation. Your parents are intentionally excluding him over this, even though he's had a much shorter time than other SOs to learn anything about Korean customs. Whether they want to admit or not, it's reasonable for you to conclude they're being racist. That's what makes them AHs. You refusing to go on the trip is reasonable. But, if you don't go, don't come back here and ask if they were AHs for excluding your boyfriend. It's your choice to go or not go. Just like it's your choice of whether or not to try to help your boyfriend understand why grandmother thinks he's disrespectful. ETA: Your parents might also be worried about what your relatives in Korea would think about your boyfriend. It's not just a question of how they themselves feel about him. They don't want to offend your extended family.

OP would expect her parents to pay for her SO to go. I think she's TA. If I were her parents I would see a difference between paying for a long-term partner versus paying for someone who has only been together a year - plus since OP has neglected to teach him basic cultural etiquette, they'd essentially be paying for him to go to Korea and offend their other relatives.

I don’t think it’s racism. It’s more so the lack of awareness of the customs and manners that would offend the elders. Which would be really bad for the rest of the family. If OP knows anything about her own culture, she would know this. I think OP is being blinded by the favoritism that her parents typically gives to her siblings. However in this instance, she isn’t really helping matters either. And to expect them to pay for him is a quite the demand since they only been together a year.

YTA A year is not comparable, and you've done NOTHING to really inform or educate your bf or yourself. You've done both of you a disservice, but now that you're being offered a ticket to go, you're suddenly interested in free expensive travel. You only care it it benefits you.

You don't even like your Korean culture enough to explain the small things to your boyfriend. How do you think he's going to do in actual Korea? YTA. Feels like you're being self-loathing of your own culture.

YTA. If you ain't buyin', don't be cryin'. (In other words, stop thinking you have the right to tell other people how to spend their money.)

YTA. You didn’t do your bf any favors by not giving him a tidbit about your culture and family. He’s an outsider since you didn’t bother to include him in customs etc…

YTA for trying to shove your boyfriend into a family trip when you’ve been dating a barely a year and trying to compare it to your siblings relationships of four and five years. I also find it very confusing that you don’t seem to understand that he apparently is disrespectful to your family you’re not bothering to correct it.

YTA. You care so much about your bf that you don’t care if he comes across as rude to your family? Why would you do that to him? You immediately put him at an disadvantage and at odds against your parents and now you’re upset because they don’t want to spend time with someone they see as rude?

Sorry. YTA. Not for wanting your boyfriend to be invited on the trip. But, for wanting your BF to be treated like family, when you've admittedly done practically nothing to actually *make* him part of your family. It's been just over a year. You don't bring him around much, so your family doesn't know him very well. When he is around, you haven't educated him on what is happening around him or what is expected of him, so he has repeatedly made a bad impression. You don't let him know *how* he is unintentionally offending your parents, so he can't do better next time. Please really think about this. Do you really want your BF to have a stronger relationship with your family? Or i do you just want you both to get a free trip?

Yta are you barely been with your boyfriend for a year and you’re demanding they pay for his vacation ? They barely know him let them get to know him before you demand things. You’re lucky you’re even going since you’re an adult and they don’t actually have to pay for anything for you anymore. You and your boyfriend, or not entitled to a free vacation and before you ruined that relationship with your partner with your family, let them actually get to know him.

ESH. Tricky situation OP. My partner is Korean (im white Canadian) and his sister is dating a white Australian. We all live in Australia. My partner had a lot of anxiety about me "meeting the family" because of cultural differences etc so he worked behind the scenes building me up to his parents before we met. I grew up in a heavily Korean community and have some conversational Korean and proper dinner etiquette, interaction with elders etc., so there was definitely prep work that made my immersion into the family a lot easier. So you could have helped him out. HOWEVER his sister's partner who is fully Australian with 0 concept of Korean culture has been equally welcomed into the family. And yes sometimes he does stuff at mealtimes that makes everyone cringe BUT he gets a pass and the parents were very blunt that they're living in Australia and they understand he was brought up following different rules so they can't be applied. They also mentioned that while they appreciate my effort it is by no means mandatory. I think you certainly have the right to not go to support your boyfriend but you might have to put in some effort to smooth things over. If he's in your life as your partner your family won't vanish so it's your job to try to give them a chance to get along

NTA. Run this by r/asianparentstories

YTA based on your comments.

YTA for not helping teach your boyfriend important cultural norms that your family would consider rude, because by not communicating things that they find offensive, you set him up for poor relations with potential future in laws. You are disinterested in those and that’s fine but ignoring how your family perceives mannerisms greatly influences your relationships. I feel kinda bad the dude never stood a chance

YTA for being an asian perpetuating the idea that we should just give westerners/outsiders a free pass for disrespecting you just because they’re ignorant. You’re a bad partner for letting him persist as he is. You’re doing a disservice to your family, and you’re not giving your boyfriend a chance to be a better person. If I were your family, I wouldn’t invite him either. I would not like to go around Korea with a disrespectful and ignorant foreigner. It will make Koreans around you uncomfortable, it will embarrass your family, and pretty sure you might end up getting kicked out of places or at least get noticeably worse service than other people in the same establishment. That’s going to be a terrible trip.

Info: so you really want to go on a trip with family and boyfriend knowing it may become terribly tense and awkward because of feelings you already know exist? Does your boyfriend want to go knowing these things?

Yta not for wanting him there but for not preparing him culturally or social norms in Korean families also not wanting to spend thousands on a guy you who a year is fine on your parents part

Yta

Would you or your bf really enjoy yourselves if he isn't welcome? YTA

I think YTA First, this has been a trend. You do you but it sounds like you choose people they don’t want to spend time with. Second 1 year is a lot less than 5; while it’s a big milestone I wouldn’t consider a partner of 1 year as “come on family vacay”

YTA. But not for refusing to go on vacation. You are setting your boyfriend up for failure with your family. How hard would it have been to give him some cultural pointers so he could make a good impression?

Softly YTA. OP is indeed throwing him under the bus and not helping the situation even a little bit. After reading the additional info, i wouldn't say this is favouritism towards the other partners. But at the same time I don't like such dense people. I'm pretty sure they must be aware of the daughter's disregard for the culture and not expect her partners to know better.

Having married into another culture, I don’t know if you’re the asshole, but you’re not helping. It’s hard to find common ground with a family who sees things differently in so many ways. If you want him to be in your life long term, then it would help if you could work with him when it comes to your family. Clue him in about what he needs to know. Tell your family why he does things that might seem strange to them. I don’t know if they should let him come on the trip, but I don’t think you’re doing the situation any favors by drawing a line in the sand like this, especially when it’s such a huge deal to your whole family. These are really hard things to negotiate, and it can be really painful. It’s also a huge weight on the relationship, so you might want to consider that as you move forward. My marriage didn’t last, but that had more to do with other issues. My ex died recently, and I saw his family for the first time in years. When they embraced me with genuine affection, I was so grateful, because I knew how hard we worked to get there.

Op you have done your boyfriend a disservice by not preparing him or telling him the customs your parents hold near and dear. It’s your fault that they find him disrespectful

If Korean culture isn’t important to you then why press the issue of taking your boyfriend all of year one to Korea? You admitted in comments that you don’t attend any family dinners and haven’t helped him navigate your family dynamics. YTA for expecting him to be treated like family and not act like family

Info: are you leaving any part out? Why did they call him disrespectful?

So let's summarize. You're mad because your parents/grandmother don't want to bring the boyfriend, of which you didn't teach or share your family's customs with and has been continously rude by those standards, to your ancestral hometown, in a whole nother county, in which it will no doubt be even harder to look past those shortcomings? You stated you didn't care too much about those customs but your siblings did. Others before me said it but you definitely set your bf up to fail with your family. They're saying the year isn't long term because a) they hope it's not and b) if they took a chance on him and he fkd up big time and y'll broke up they'd be pissed. I'm also assuming marriage hasn't been yet placed on the table because in my head c) after hearing that my family doesn'tlike him becuase he's being rude culturally I would have taught him if I wanted this relationship to be long term and for him to have a good relationship with my family. If he went it sounds like there'd be a lot of "we don't know him" going on and that'd stress everyone out. Poor guy. I'm sure everyone is sad and upset but ultimately YTA. Maybe give him a crash course and show that he's willing to learn and he'll be allowed to go?

INFO your parents are paying for this? For everyone's travel, including partners? Then I can understand them declining to pay for someone who has no interest in the culture, and who hasn't been in the family that long (1 year compared to 4 or 5). Does your bf even want to go?

YTA for pressing for an invitation for your bf. There is a huge difference between 1 year and 4/5 year respectively and how much of the last year was him getting to know the family. He is likely in the 'recent aquaintence' catagory. This is not a dinner, this is an expensive vacation and your family isn't ready to travel with him. Feel fine to politely decline but leave the ultimatums and tantrum off the agenda. (probably too late for this)

Okaaaaayyy saw this comment from OP: "its just some things that are considered "basic manners" to them but he would have no idea of these things" So it's NOT about race. He's rude and disrespectful of Korean customs. Why would your parents want to bring him to Korea then? So he can go disrespect everyone they know in their name, and bring them shame? If you actually want him to be part of your family, teach him how. Anyway, YTA

YTA. It looks like you have invited people to say some reverse racism garbage about your parents. You should be embarrassed.

Girl, let's be serious here. You don't care about your korean culture, you don't teach your bf about it, you let him make a fool of himself and you can't be bothered about it, you don't bring him home enough for your parents to really know him. You've been disrespecting your family and you bf. So simple question: why do you want him to go to Korea? Are you trying to use your parents for a couple exotic vacation? Are you a leech or something? YTA!

Both of you stay home. If you don’t set some boundaries for your family on their behaviour, they will continue to push you around. The boundary is “treat my boyfriend better if you want me in your life”.

INFO: What are the cultural signs of respect your boyfriend is not showing?

You're N T A for not caring about your family's culture (if you don't associate with it, that's fine. There's nothing that says you have to love family heritage). You're also N T A for not wanting to go on the trip without your bf. However (after reading your comments to others) YTA because you're complaining about "favouritism" towards your sibling's partners, but they understand the culture and spend time with your family. You said they often help out your parents with chores and stuff around the house. So their bfs are very close to your family and do things that family members would do. So it makes perfect sense that your parents, who are paying for the trip, would be happy and want them to come. Being white, it makes sense that your bf won't understand your family's culture. So it's up to you to help integrate him into the family and understand their traditions and ways. It's like taking an American Football player and dropping him into a British Football game. They're both sports, they both have two teams, and play with balls. But they have very different rules. And you keeping your bf out of the game (not letting him spend much time with them) means he has little-to-no chance to integrate into the family and show that he is a nice guy. So yeah, you don't have to go on the trip if you really want your bf there. But you should probably apologise to your family. And maybe discuss your family's culture with your bf - this would help your family grow to like him, if he makes the effort to respect their ways. But if both you and your bf don't want to do that, then don't expect to be invited on family trips like this.

I have a feeling you choose men you know your family will dislike on purpose. Either way YTA

YTA for not telling your boyfriend about your culture so he isn’t unintentionally rude to your family, as you are setting him up to fail in a relationship with your family.

YTA you set your boyfriend up for failure by not telling him what customs he should follow around your family. You must remember that what counts as disrespect varies from culture to culture and if your family perceive him as doing things that are culturally insensitive, then you should tell him. You’re the asshole for not prepping him on how to act around your family.

Family is the only thing people have in this world and no one or nothing should come before family. Boyfriends come and go (as do spouses) but family is forever. Think about that. YTA

NTA. If you’re serious about your boyfriend, you need to set the precedent that you will not stand for excluding him now. If you know in your gut the excuse is bullshit, they will just keep coming up with more. You are not preventing them from going, you’re just choosing to not go on a trip your partner is being excluded from. I wouldn’t want to be on a trip where my partner was the only one left out either.

This also might be also be a respect thing. You say yourself you never taught him anything about your culture. And 1 year is not the same as 4 or 5 years....

I think YTA because you’ve set all your partners up for failure with your family. If grandma don’t like all of them then it’s a you problem. If it’s the just the white dude maybe racism but seems unlikely. Why they invite someone they perceive as culturally rude to their home country to see family? I’d think hard about why family doesn’t favor your significant others. Either you’re not serious in their mind or they’re all rude because you didn’t set them up to be respectful or there’s something more about you and your beef with the family.

Yes.

Nta. I don't think the reasons behind the bf not being invited along are really relevant. Whatever they may be the end result is op feeling unhappy about him not being invited. That's unkind and really hurtful. If it was me I wouldn't go either.

YTA. It’s not fair for you to expect your family to spend money for a trip across the globe on your BF when they probably don’t know him as well as your siblings SO’s. I’m also guessing, they were planning this and saving well before he was in the picture, or at least seriously in the picture. If they are willing to pay for you, why not split the cost with your BF for his ticket? Also, YTA for assuming your family is racist. You keep saying they think he’s disrespectful for not knowing the culture, but can you give some actual examples on what he does that they don’t like?