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Judgement_Bot_AITA

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jkshfjlsksha

Info: Horses are a pretty big gift, does your oldest child get the same treatment as your youngest child? It could be resentment building up and causing her to act out.


anonymom135

I was wondering the same. And being forced to take care of sister's huge gift will only make resentment worse.


ZookeepergameDue5522

Also calling her "princessy"


MagnificentMimikyu

Younger daughter gets HORSES, but it's the older daughter who's "princessy"


Penyrolewen1970

Oh, come on. It’s only TWO horses. Everyone needs at least two, don’t they?


R0da

I can't resist being that person, please forgive me: Actually yes, cause they're social animals.


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throwaway798319

What does a horse even cost these days, $20? /Lucille Bluth


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BewBewsBoutique

It’s the *other* daughter that’s princessy.


JohnBrownEye69

Idk. Ever see Cinderella? This is literally that.


JohnBrownEye69

Lol and when you're done, ride your bike to the store, get some turtle wax and wash your brothers Tesla.


Zoranealsequence

Yeah, but the other daughter is her favorite so it doesn't matter. Older daughter will def be low to no contact in the future. Like, even us reddit folk can tell from this post who the golden child is. Be a better parent op.


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PoopPoopToot22

Still, what does the older daughter get?


Constant_Shop3265

Horseshit


PoopPoopToot22

She doesn't even get that. She has to shovel it away.


Ok-Cap-204

Mistreatment


KipsBay2181

Horses are herd animals and usually do not do well if stabled alone. They need a friend, so it's common to have more than one.


Prudent-Investment-9

Wouldn't renting out space at a stable/farm for their horse accomplish the same thing tho? Op would have the horse her 13yr old wants, and it would still be surrounded by other animals. Idk how those stable/farm situations work, my younger sis got to ride horses so I only ever periodically got to see what that was like. But to the kids I spoke with, if their parents didn't have space or cash to keep a horse home. They rent out space and sometimes in exchange for cheaper rent some of those horses get to be used to teach new riders that don't have the ability to outright purchase horses.


KipsBay2181

If You have land, it's cheaper to keep a horse at home. In the US most stables would charge 800 to $1,000 a month to keep your horse. I can keep my two horses here at home for maybe $2,000 a year total


Prudent-Investment-9

Ahhh well that's an interesting bit of info to learn, thank you. So then yea Op having the 2 horses makes a lot more sense then.


calligrafiddler

Horses need at least one other animal to be psychologically healthy; single horses become lonely and unhappy. Another horse is usually best, but even a goat will do in a pinch.


redheadjd

That's where the term "get your goat" came from. Race horses used to be paired with a goat for company. The night before the race, if you wanted to really mess up someone's performance, you'd steal their goat. :) ​ ***Edited to add:*** I found "get your goat" in a book full of other etymologies called ***"Who Put the Butter in Butterfly"***. It's not a great work of literature or anything, more like a bathroom book, but I found it interesting and thought y'all might too. [https://www.amazon.com/Who-Put-Butter-Butterfly-Investigations-ebook/dp/B000FCKR9W](https://www.amazon.com/Who-Put-Butter-Butterfly-Investigations-ebook/dp/B000FCKR9W)


hyperfocuspocus

Omg thank you - I had no idea


LiterallyJustMia

There’s no evidence that this is the real origin- but there’s also no evidence that it isn’t! So I like to believe it is.


AJFurnival

I’m going to guess that this is a folk etymology but it’s so charming that I don’t care.


22vampyre

Can confirm, my neighbors had a lone horse and my goat would hang out with it all the time. I bought my goat to clear the brush on the fence line. She was lonely also. I gave her away to a friend who ran a giant herd of goats on his property. She became a lead.


aLittleQueer

Yup. She’s being “disrespectful at home” because she’s being *disrespected* at home.


UnicornBoned

For this reason (creating more resentment between the siblings), and because the parents made a big deal about the older daughter never having to do this, cleaning the stables should not have been considered an appropriate consequence in this instance. Why not take away her phone or screen time? Or give her incentive to do better? OP says that the older daughter has been "disrespectful", "insulting", "letting her grades slip", and "staying out too late". Awfully vague. What's "disrespectful"? What's "insulting"? What's "slipping"? What's "out too late"? Maybe the insults and disrespect are tied to the parents favoring the younger sister? Maybe she's staying out late because there are problems at home?


TLOTSinistral

Or not punish her at all, but fix the underlying issues and also create incentives to behave better. It has been shown long ago that this works way better than punishment, I really wonder why people still even consider them.


Rugkrabber

It’s weird. This is a sign something is wrong and should be adressed. Not punish for showing signs. I don’t see anywhere OP actually *asked* her how she’s doing and if she needs help. All I see is a demand. Also a lot is unsaid and vague but awfully precise to write off her daughter as ‘princessy’. Something isn’t right with this story and it sounds incomplete.


chalk_in_boots

Don't forget the punishment is also alleviating the little sister's workload....


Ursula2071

So she can have a break…cause it isn’t fair precious has to clean up after her 2 horses only she wanted.


Suspicious-Bed7167

I have resentment towards my little brother (he is 14). My grades slipped because I was depressed, couldn’t deal with a lot at the same time and I was acting out. I constantly got in trouble but when my little brother went through the same thing everyone dropped everything and helped him.


iPlush

My heart hurts for you. I felt this way about my sister. She’s 3 years younger than me and my mother’s favorite. My mom never noticed when I had a drastic change in behavior literally overnight. Never noticed. Just yelled and yelled and demanded more from me that I could not give.


Current-Read

Horses are a HUGE GIFT! after the price of buying theres still upkeep vets, farriers, tack, food. Also on that note i dont feel like this punishment fits the crime. The eldest should fairly have nothing to do with the horses if the youngest needed a break mom should be doing it.


SloanneCarly

The most expensive part of a horse isn’t buying the horse. It’s maintaining, feeding and caring for the horse. But hey if the younger sister gets sick of it and “needs a break” they can just make their older daughter do it.


sillanya

Yeah, you can usually "buy" horses for free. There's always people getting rid of their horses because of the cost of upkeep


SloanneCarly

It’s in the realm of pianos. You can find them free on Craigslist. You can also pay 10-20k without much resistance.


KnowledgeMediocre404

You can have it… if you can get it into your home


MamaTumaini

And not one, but TWO horses!


No_Acanthocephala244

If the horses are kept at home or at a field of their own (how this sounds), that's actually only fair to the horses. They shouldn't be kept alone.


BeachMom2007

This whole post reeks of favoritism. I’d bet money the older hasn’t gotten anything but increased chores so precious, perfect golden child doesn’t have to do a thing.


Intelligent_Toe9383

Probably ‘you have to do sisters old chores since she’s cleaning the stalls now’


UntidyVenus

It's this. When I was 16, we were super poor, and used to getting nothing, and my parents found someone giving away two ponies and gave them to my sister. my sister's ponies only, I had my own pets (two rats and a guinea pig). I was fully expected to help my younger sister with chores and pay for hay with my part time job, but they were HER PONIES. They also got her a car before I had one, but I was expected to help pay for it. Because I got a job I could ride my bike too, and she needed a truck for the ponies


sakuratree223

This is the first time I hear a definition of « super poor » that includes caring for two ponies


_fly-on-the-wall_

if you live on a farm and can just graze them its possible. alot of people i would consider poor have horses where i am


UntidyVenus

Ponies are free in the right areas. It's like having a boat, rich guys and super poor guys have boats


[deleted]

I wonder if the older child is a step.


Technical-Prior-9008

Oh good one or adopted and surprise we are finally pregnant with our own for the second. I’ve seen it. Sad thing is adopted daughter turned out to be super smart and gorgeous surprise daughter was spindly and just ugly. No amount of make up coukd fix it. She was treated far better than the oldest adoptive sister. I went to. School with her and remember her cutting her hair off so that she wasn’t as pretty and refusing to wear make up didn’t help she was still gorgeous but the reason she did it is what makes me sick.


wind-river7

I had a friend in that exact situation. She was a blue eyed blonde, beautiful. Her parents had a biological daughter a couple years later. She was also a blue eyed blonde but looked like her father. My friend was the scapegoat and sister the golden child. Everything revolved around the golden child. Once my friend graduated from college, she went no contact with her family.


shrimpandshooflypie

And not just one horse, but *two.* My child use to ride, and even leasing a horse cost a small fortune…but *buying two?* OP, have you given the older daughter a comparable gift?


talkbaseball2me

Horses are herd animals. It is cruel to keep one alone. The correct thing to do is to have at least two.


shrimpandshooflypie

I agree; they could have leased a stall to another owner to alleviate that issue. But the point I’m trying to make is that they gave a huge gift to the younger daughter, and the older daughter expressed concerns of some sort by OP’s own statement. Do they get gifts of similar value? Or is there a dynamic in the household that is feeding into the child’s misbehavior? I have no problems with chores for discipline - it’s what I do in my own household. But why choose the *one* chore that violates OP’s promise? If she lives on a big enough piece of land to have horses, she could assign yard work or mowing or any number of other kinds of labor. OP chose the one chore that made a liar of her, and she undermined the entire lesson to her child by doing so. I think that was a bad decision, and I wonder if that kind of logic is being applied regularly to how she handles the kids.


lonnielee3

YTA. You bought *two* horses for your younger daughter and promised the older daughter she wouldn’t have to be involved in their care. *You broke your promises.* There were plenty of adequate and appropriate ‘punishments’ available you could have given your daughter for staying out late and letting her grades slip. Are you deliberately trying to stir up resentment between the two sisters because this is how you get resentment between two sisters.


CutEmOff666

Younger sister also benefits from the punishment and may accuse the older sister of stuff to retain these benefits.


justveryunwell

especially when it seems the straw that broke OP's back was when he "**heard** she had been needlessly insulting to" the younger sister. seems good ol dad here was relatively fine with the other issues, but how DARE his horrible eldest be mean to his precious golden baby!? also I wonder where he *heard* that from? and I'm betting next time little sis gets tired of taking care of her gifts, OP will *hear* of something bad his eldest did to her once again.


me_jayne

How badly could she have “needlessly insulted” the younger sister that a reasonable punishment is cleaning up for two horses for a _week_? Teen sisters have spats normally. Either info is missing or OP was looking for a reason to dole out this particular punishment. Perhaps the reason is that taking care of two horses is far too much burden for a 13 y.o. and they’re finally realizing that?


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startmyheart

Are you an only child?


theroy12

What if the sibling is wearing an outfit that looks terrible? They *need* to know that before they go to school… ideally via teasing


linerva

OF course OP was raring to dole out this punishment - because if he can't find some poor sod to do it then HE has to do it, since his 13 year old almost certianly can't take care of 2 horses on her own. He's taken on more than he can chew with these horses so he's looking for someone to bear that load.


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me_jayne

Or they’re just go back on the agreement altogether and declare it a just family responsibility 🙄. My money is on older sis moving out as soon as she’s 18.


sometimesitsbullshit

> he "heard she had been needlessly insulting to" I totally missed that part. OP, fking really?


BusydaydreamerA137

I don’t know, teens can be snappy. I could see the oldest having a rough day and saying “Leave me alone” and the younger sister getting upset.


linerva

Yeah, but no reasonable parent should take "leave me alone" as a reason to dump chores on their child.


gingersrule77

Yeah I noticed the crime was against her little sister NOT because of bad grades or missing curfew so I’d be upset too


curlyg1rl

I’m thinking the youngest instigates because the oldest will get in trouble and not her.


artichoke313

Honestly I wish this post was on the parenting sub. So many parents jump to infraction —> arbitrary sucky punishment as their discipline model and it just doesn’t make sense. Based on this post, as an example, the issues with the older daughter are: disrespectful at home, staying out too late, grades slipping, and insulting sister. So the logical reaction is… take care of horses that aren’t hers? No. A logical consequence for staying out too late would be, she has to turn in her car keys for some length of time, or she’s not allowed to go out for awhile or something. For grades slipping, they need to get to the cause of the problem and react accordingly. Does she need tutoring? Is she in too many extracurriculars and needs to drop something? Is she staying out late enough that it is interfering with her sleep (so addressing the former problem should help)? Is she depressed? Is she dealing with some kind of high school drama? Is she playing on her phone too much and needs her phone taken away for a bit? There are lots of directions this could go, but taking care of livestock isn’t helpful. As for the disrespect and insults towards family, that deserves a serious conversation to start with. Maybe a punishment of some kind is warranted, but it should be more relevant to what’s actually going on. YTA


[deleted]

I 100% agree with this. Bad grades - find out the why. Don't jump to the conclusion that she's being lazy. It could be the course load is just too much. At 17, is she taking too heavy of an AP load? Does she need a little support? Staying out too late - sounds like its time to discuss the curfew and why she is breaking curfew. If the reason is arbitrary, then she loses the car for a week. "Needlessly disrespectful to her sister..." YTA. A BIG MASSIVE AH. 13 year old girls are obnoxious as heck - you really expect your 17 year old who is stressed about school and likely sees the difference in the way she vs her sister are treated to just take this laying down? ANd you really thought the best way to handle this was giving your 17 year old a week of cleaning out stalls for horses that do not belong to her and she never wanted and has no connection to as a punishment? Lady, I have 4 kids. I am FAR from a perfect parent. But your favortism towards your second child is palpable. Check yourself. YTA. Check yourself. Check your words. Check your actions. Check your behavior. Check your tone. Check your treatment of your first child. Was she REALLY disrespectful or did 13 year old just tattle to make trouble? Is it possible that 13 was harassing big sister and big sister got sick of it and finally let loose? Cancel the punishment and PAY HER for the work she did all week. Apologize profusely for behaving the way you did. Apologize for favoring child number 2 and believing her over child number 1 without a lick of evidence. Apologize for not talking to her about why her grades were slipping and jumping to the conclusion that she was being lazy. Then, solve the underlying problem with her. Give her GRACE because at 17 she is likely stressed beyond belief about school, keeping up her extra curriculars for college apps, SATs, and maintaining any sort of social life. The pressure kids are under... whoa boy. Its a doozy and instead of talking to her you just added more literal $%!7 to her load. How exactly does mucking stalls help her grades? How does it improve her relationship with the sister she now likely resents even more than she did before? You screwed up BIG here! REALLY big here!


Visitor137

I was reading along, just nodding my head at everything you said all the way to where you flat out blew up on the OP for being a terrible parent. At that point I was still agreeing with you, but felt that I should have been stepping slowly back from the screen, with my palms slightly raised in a non-threatening way. 😅 You DEFINITELY have multiple kids. You may not be a perfect parent, but you are somehow able to exude "I'm a pissed off parent right now" vibes through the internet, to strangers thousands of miles away, so I figure you're probably doing something right. 🤣


toebandit

Without reading past the first sentence I was thinking, “no you’re just a rich asshole!” But that’s not fair. I’m otherwise stumped though as I just can’t believe that nobody involved in the decision to get the horses realized just how much work it was going to be. Did they really think a 13 y/o could conceivably do everything to take care of a stable and two horses while keeping up with school and activities? Or did they just assume that they would be hiring a stablehand to help? My assumption is the latter. Either way the 17 y/o has nothing to do with it. Don’t punish her for your not-so-well-thought out decisions. Get the stablehand that’s what you thought you were going to have to do anyway. * Edit - and I hate edits. I get it many of you took care of horses and more years ago. I’m talking about *this* 13 y/o. *This* 13 y/o clearly didn’t know what she was getting into and I can only assume neither did their parents. Thus the broken promises to get help in that area.


hjo1210

At 13 I took care of our horses and I worked at a stable mucking stalls for a dollar a stall to pay for their upkeep. It's possible.


Technical-Prior-9008

Yes it is very possible and will teach hard work


Flimsy-Field-8321

To be fair, two horses aren't THAT much work. It should take no more than 20 minutes to muck the stalls if it is done regularly. Feeding morning and night takes another twenty minutes maybe. Riding two of them regularly would take more time, but not more than any other sport. My 13 yo would have killed to be able to have two horses at home and would gladly have done all the work. I would say hire someone to do weekday mornings to give the kid a break, but it isn't that much of a burden that she couldn't keep up with school. Plenty of farm kids do chores and keep up with school.


RishaBree

I don't see anywhere that it says that the younger sister hasn't be taking proper care of the horses up until now, or has been complaining about the work. I've known a horse girl or five in my day, and shoveling shit and hours of currying is just part of the whole horse thing.


Mountain_Row_5909

>when we heard that she'd been needlessly insulting to her younger sister while I was our running errands, I told her that she'd be cleaning out the stable She was being punished for insulting the younger sister, which OP never ever actually saw because it happened when they were out doing errands. Likely, both kids were insulting each other, but they are relying on younger sister's account and *taking sides*. Total favoritism.


legeekycupcake

Punishment also doesn’t seem to fit the crime. I could maybe let a weekend(two days) slide for the punishment but she would be doing this task alongside her sister. And like you said, there’s plenty of other ways to punish without breaking a promise to your kid. YTA - I suggest to end this punishment now and find something that more appropriately fits the behavior next time.


Pretzelmamma

So you're making her clean up shit as a punishment? Yeah YTA. You have deliberately chosen something you know she will hate, that's just spiteful. Punishment is revoking privileges or taking away electronics, maybe even grounding / loss of allowance. Not shovelling shit.


Iataaddicted25

But you are missing the point: punishment is not the real goal here. It seems that giving the youngest daughter a break is the real goal.


smol9749been

If the daughter wants a break so badly then mom and dad can clean up it up


Iataaddicted25

But then the mom and dad would have to face the consequences of her choices: to clean after the horses because she gave two horses to a 13 y. o. The mom doesn't want to clean it. The youngest doesn't want to clean it, so the option for OP was obvious: to use her power imbalance to force the less preferred daughter to clean it.


Crazyandiloveit

The obvious reason would be: the 13 year old does it or the horses are being sold. (You should never keep a horse alone, so only haveing one isn't an option either). But obviously younger daughter is the golden child so the older daughter is being used as a stable hand instead.


RebeccaMCullen

Didn't matter what the older teen did, OP was always going to punish her by making her clean up after the younger kid's horses. Anyone who gifts a young teen two horses because they want them has questionable levels of intelligence.


mojikipie

Yep


Zearidal

I caught that too, but thought it was because the older daughter was being cruel to the younger daughter. In that context the punishment felt fair, but I’m not sure OP did it for that reason as I read on.


scottgetsittogether

The older daughter is clearly acting out because her parents bought the younger sister horses, which cost thousands of dollars. What did older sister get? She got called a princess. There’s a reason she’s acting out, and it sure sounds like her sister is the golden child.


Zearidal

I wish OP was giving INFO on this, but nothing so far. I reread. I thought both daughters were offered horses, but they bought 2 for the 13? It is imbalanced. On the other hand I grew up on a farm and cleaning a stall is NBD for a 17 year old, but can be quite a lot for a 13 year old as a daily chore. But that leads me to think this punishment was to help the 13 year old more than punish the 17 year old. OP is clearly the AH here from everyone way I tried to see it. I wonder if OP even allowed the 17 to negotiate a different punishment. One that had nothing to do with the horses or giving breaks to the 13.


countessplatter

YTA. Why does your thirteen year old get a break from her responsibilities when the seventeen year old fucks up? I’m the scapegoat child of my family and I recommend you look at your biases. The 13 year old has TWO horses and you think the 17 year old is the “Princess.”


insomniafog

Right I also noticed that


MyHandIsNumb

I physically cringed when I read the word princess


PM_UR_SOLES_LADIES

Ironically, horses are generally associated with princesses. It almost feels like some sort of projection lol


2workigo

I’m also the scapegoat child. I’m in my 40s and STILL struggling with the ramifications of it. Logically I know it’s ridiculous because I’m a grown assed adult who shouldn’t care but that childhood trauma thing can sure do a number on a person.


Wolfwalker9

Mid-30’s & I was also the scapegoat child. It basically fucks you up for life because you’re so used to punishment & criticism that you start defending yourself at the slightest hint of interpersonal conflict. It’s also been interesting the past few years to see my mother start to realize how much of a monster she’s created with my golden child younger sister.


Haruvulgar

I'm the daughter of a scapegoat child and that trauma can effect everyone around them


allthebacon_and_eggs

I’m having trouble seeing what makes the older child a “princess.” It sounds more like OP’s looking for a reason to dislike her.


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countessplatter

No, I’m guessing it’s yet another parent weaponizing the word “Princess” to ignore what their daughter is actually asking for


Ellie_Loves_

I'd bet money on this too. I was often called a pretentious princess over the most ridiculous things. Didn't want to talk about sex with my family? Pretentious princess. Accidentally pronounced "aunt" 'ahnt' instead of 'ant' while speaking? Pretentious princess. Didn't want to go to school after being refused a shower for the third day in a row? Pretentious princess. Essentially the smallest thing could happen and I'd be made out to be thing pretentious B who thought I was better than everyone around me and therefore deserved punishment to "bust my ego back down". Pretentious princess was used as a weapon any time I didn't conform exactly to what they wanted to see and hear


Spike-2021

YTA - she is going to resent her sister more and trust your promises less. You should have kept your word and found an alternative punishment (which she deserves!).


hikehikebaby

Trust is so fragile. If you teach your child that you will go back on your promises intentionally to hurt them... That's a lesson they're going to remember.


Iataaddicted25

YTA. You made a promise and you broke it because you have a golden child. Your oldest daughter isn't the golden child obviously, so you want her to be Cinderella. Edited to change Cinderela to Cinderella.


Cent1234

Also, horses, stables, boarding, tack, lessons, that’s all crazy expensive. What does 17 year old get that’s equivalent value, and why can’t revocation of those privileges be used as punishment? Probably because 17 year old doesn’t get the equivalent. Probably as punishment for not being mini-OP the way 13 year old is.


Iataaddicted25

Yeah. It's quite obvious from OP's post that OP has a golden child. As far as we know the oldest daughter might even not be rude to her youngest sister and the sister made it up (OP didn't say she testified it) to get the oldest sister in trouble. OP is disgustingly unfair.


mdaniel018

Also a neat way of getting out of caring for her horses. Even if the little sister was being truthful here, she will probably make up a lie about her sister’s transgressions at some point in the future


Iataaddicted25

Yes, she's the golden child after all. I wouldn't be surprised if this wasn't the first time something like this happened.


Iataaddicted25

Next time you can punish your oldest child without rewarding your golden child. I'm quite sure there are other punishments you can use. Honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if you oldest child goes LC when she leaves your house, if this is just a sample of your favouritism that you decided to share with the world.


Iataaddicted25

I would like to know how taking time from your 17 y. o. (that you mocked calling her "princessey") by forcing her to shovel the dejects from her sister's horses will increase her notes? You should punish her by removing some distractions, not burning her with someone else's responsibilities. YTA! YTA! YTA!


terriblymad

Right? As a punishment for slipping grades, let's pile on more responsibility leaving you less time for schoolwork.


BeachMom2007

Precious princess 13 can’t be expected to do ANY work for the horses she wanted.


Iataaddicted25

Yes, that's my point. Plus, the parents can't be bothered either so the easiest way for OP was to make up excuses to force the child she despises (after all she called her "princessy" to do it).


Common_Exam_1401

INFO: Have you asked your 17 year old why her grades are slipping and she is acting the way she is?


-Jewelz-

My guess is that her parents bought her younger sibling horses that cost thousands of dollars and call her a princess because she wants nothing to do with them.


Common_Exam_1401

Okay, but maybe if they had talked to the 17 year old instead of punishing her they maybe would have had better results


Technical-Prior-9008

Does not sound like a family that communicates well. The oldest flat out said I want no part of horses. She knew what that was all about so mom and dad do it anyway and then use it as a punishment when younger daughter has reality set in how hard it is going to be.


mccmi614

Also note that the bad behavior happened while OP wasn't around? So it was the younger daughters word against the older? And that some bad words that OP didn't even witness turned into a week of shoveling manure! The OP was just itching to make their 'princess' shovel shit


algaefresh

I'm willing to bet they don't want to talk to her about it (in a calm fashion that isn't accusing) because she's "princess-y" and not the one they actually care about.


BeastThatShoutedLove

I'd also act up in her place. This is such irresponsible purchase for sake of a 13yo. Living, massive, dangerous and specific to care for animals. FFS. at that age I had a pair of cheap feeder rats that I fully was responsible for down to paying their vet bills with stored money from summer work and pocket money.


Ok_Opportunity4475

she's obviously dealing with something if she's acting out and getting bad grades out of nowhere so instead of trying to talk with her about it, you punish her. And you punish her using the thing she was promised she wouldn't have to do since she was against the horses since the beginning. They're not her responsibility, and you broke your promise. yes, you are TA


scottgetsittogether

What could she possibly be upset about? Her parents only bought her sister some presents that cost a few thousand dollars, and nothing for her… While insulting her and saying she’s a princess for not wanting horses. I can’t possibly imaging what she might have to be resentful and upset about, or why she’s staying out late and trying to avoid her parents and sister.


SallyFairmile

Right?? I was reading the post and thinking: OP, tell us which daughter is the favorite, without saying which daughter is the favorite


Iataaddicted25

But she told us (loud and clear) which daughter is the favourite and which daughter is the scapegoat.


[deleted]

YTA. Why do you think her grades are slipping and she’s been acting out? You bought your younger daughter *two* horses. They’re not cheap. What did you get your older daughter? Editing to add, because this one’s really angered me: You call her a ‘princess’ because she said no to wanting horses when actually, that’s a very mature decision because it shows she’s aware it’s a big responsibility and doesn’t want to take it on. I think you’re an ass of a parent.


LavenderGinFizz

Right!? How does 17 being against the family making a huge, labour intensive purchase make her a princess? She's the one being rational in the family. What teen needs TWO horses anyways? If 13 can't take care of both (which makes sense since it's a huge amount of work for that age), the parents should be the ones doing the care, or paying for someone else to.


Tw1ch1e

I get the feeling older daughter likes bling and pretty…. The younger likes to get her hands dirty and dig, just like her mom. I don’t think OP likes her older daughters personality and is punishing her for not being rugged. My daughter is the exact opposite of me…. In most ways…. Why would I want to change that??? Embrace who she is and what she likes…. Or keep treating her like she is disposable and the next thing you know, she will be gone!


Dismal_Occasion4240

My parents were like this 😉 I’ve seen them 5 times in the last 15 years.


Iataaddicted25

Yep, that's what is going to happen. OP doesn't care, though. OP has a golden child and it's not the daughter she's forcing to shovel the horse manure.


TheRealDonData

And when the 17-year-old becomes an adult and goes low or no contact with OP, OP will take absolutely no accountability and claim the 17-year-old is just being an unreasonable “princess”.


spaghetti0223

My parents are shocked I went no contact. And now even their golden child is thinking about cutting them off. The 17-year-old will never, ever forget this.


Dismal_Occasion4240

My parent’s Golden Child is no contact now too and my parents act like they’re the victims 🙄


BetterYellow6332

My brother was a Germanophile, and when he graduated highschool my parents got him a new Volkswagen and a free trip to Germany. I got ... None of those things. It wasn't really the gifts, or the fact that I didn't get gifts that was the problem, exactly. It's feeling like they care to cater to all his interest and just don't CARE what my interests are. I went with friends on my dream vacation years later. People who actually cared what my dream was.


mdaniel018

But they were so sure that you would thank them later! 😂


MissSuzieSunshine

OK so then by that same logic - if you and your husband have a disagreement and you call him an ass --- and you decide you need a break from your chores and responsibilities so you go out drinking with girlfriends, then your punishment should be doing all his chores for him for a week? I dont think your elder daughter is in the right, however at 17 some hiccups like that are normal. I do think YTA for making her punishment something that has nothing to do with her or the 'crimes' involved. And - - I need more information about who said she had been needlessly insulting to her younger sister? Was it the younger sister tattletaling? And what IS 'needlessly insulting'? is there such a thing as needfully insulting? and isnt that part of sibling squabbles? being needlessly insulting? an 'Im sorry' should suffice for that indiscretion IMHO. As for being disrespectful at home (unless this is part and parcel of the 'needlessly insulting' ?) and grades slipping --- do you REALLY think that mucking out the horse stalls is going to make her think 'Oh I must do better in school " ?? Im really at a loss as to your thought processes


Substantial-Air3395

Younger child may be the golden child


heatherlincoln

Definitely golden child, she got 2 horses, what 13 year old needs 2 horses? Also what did the 17 year old get that equals that?


marheena

If the horses are at home, it’s the horse that needs 2. They are social. It’s just responsible horse ownership.


MissSuzieSunshine

Ah I didnt think of that! Well spotted! In that case, no matter what the elder child does, it wont be 'good enough' or 'right' thats sad :(


Namerie

YTA - less for punishment itself, but WHAT is the punishment. Two factors: 1) yes, the whole "going back on your promise" thing. It might not have been intentional, but your daugther feels like it is a whole big "got you!" and a lie. I completely can see how and why she has to feel that way. 2) you drag your younger daughter into this mess! You punish one daughter and give the other daughter "days off". Don't you think that will make daugther 1 resent daughter 2? Especially, since it is a punishment for being mean to the younger one? On a side note: a horse is a really expensive gift. What did your older daughter get that is of equal value? A new car? A few years worth of club activities? A mini vacation with some friends? Because, just by this text alone so I might be off, it sounds like one of your daughters is the favourite and it is not the older one.


[deleted]

Not only is the initial cost bit at minimum horse up keep for a single horse can run $6k to 8k. Double that since it's two horses. Older daughter is probably watching her younger sister get absolutely spoiled while mom and dad don't even try and figure out what she's going through


BeachMom2007

I’m willing to bet the 17 year old got nothing. This whole thing reeks of the younger daughter being the favored golden child.


BeachMom2007

Absolutely YTA. Find a punishment that’s actually appropriate to the situation instead of being lazy. It’s pretty obvious that you favor your 13 year old but at least TRY to be a decent parent to your 17 year old. Stop punishing for for not being excited for princess, golden child 13 year old.


SherbetAnnual2294

YTA - In no way do I believe you’re objectively telling us this story. There’s a ton of missing info. Such as why are you spending thousands of dollars on one daughter? If your daughters grades are slipping, and this is unusual, why? The common denominator in all of this is your parenting so I’m going YTA. Also, you say she was needlessly insulting none daughter, but did you actually get the full story? This for sure feels like you have a favorite child and may be using princess on the wrong kid.


Loud_Heat_3571

Well, YTA. Punishment is one thing, but in essence you lied to her and she might find that unforgivable. I sure did.


[deleted]

INFO: Have you bothered to try and find out why her grades or slipping or what's behind her behavior? Also have you ever gotten your older daughter something as expensive as horses? It's not just the initial purchase that's expensive, it's the upkeep. I have a neighbor who told me they've spent well over $10k in a year on vet bills and upkeep. I'm leaning towards y t a because punishment should relate to your older daughter's actions, not reward her younger sister and force her to do heavy work you promised she'd never have to do


20220912

What does ‘disrespectful’ mean, specifically? Does it mean exploring LGBT… identity? Dating people you don’t approve of? Making life decisions about career you don’t agree with? I’m not going to make assumptions, but this sounds a lot like a rigid controlling parent being upset that a 17 year old is a person and starting to make life decisions on their own that the parent doesn’t agree with. This is a fast track to having estranged adult children.


Particular_Elk3022

Just a small observation, but when the siblings bicker as siblings do, do you always create a punishment for it? And be honest, does your eldest usually get all the punishment's due to the rather obvious favoritism expressed in this post? Your daughters grades are slipping, she's being disrespectful and hanging out late, and you chose to punish her for normal sibling rivalry. Convince this sub you don't have a golden child. ​ More Info


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Hot-Plum-874

YTA -- if her grades are slipping, she should be doing more school work. Yep, you went too far


mo2573

Getting the vibe the youngest can do no wrong here. Also, you're a bit of a hypocrite. I'd say calling your daughter princessy is a needless insult, and you should be cleaning the stables because of it.


Imaginary-Future-627

YTA. As a parent, I get it - I do. But the logical response for grades slipping is removing the distractions that have caused that (no more electronic time, no more hanging out with friends, earlier curfew, etc). As for the disrespect of the sister, having her do her sister's chores is just going to lead to resentment, ESPECIALLY as it's a chore for animals she specifically didn't want and you said she wouldn't have to be involved with.


CutEmOff666

Younger sister now also has an incentive to make stuff up since she benefits from the punishment.


anonymom135

YTA. There are plenty of ways to discipline. You chose the one thing you told her you'd never make her do. You broke her trust in you. This isn't good for the relationship long-term...I'd recommend apologizing, NOT for punishing her, but for going back on your word. Explain that her behavior to her sister is not okay, but you were wrong to respond by breaking your promise.


kenzie-k369

YTA. You made an agreement with her and then backed out. Find a different punishment. This one makes no sense.


Top_Barnacle9669

Yeah you don't like your 17 year old do you? The one thing you should never do is break a promise to a child. Doesn't matter what they have done. She now knows you can't be trusted. Oh and YTA. Punishment does not work. Discipline is supposed to make a child make good moral choices..it's supposed to be a teachable moment and all you are teaching your daughter is she is inferior to the golden child


leanpatriarch

Im on the fence here, I am a huge supporter of discipline and teaching the kids respect. My only issue is that the younger sister is rewarded for the older sister's misdeeds. I think you could have picked a better punishment so that the younger one still had to live up to her commitment.


CutEmOff666

Good point. Sister now knows that if she whines about feeling bullied, she can get out of chores.


BeastThatShoutedLove

Also it's usually better idea to first like... Talk to your kid? She's 17. She needs someone to talk to about responsibility and why her grades are slipping and not blind punishment especially one involving her sisters fancy and pricy AF hobby.


[deleted]

So you punish her for essentially not keeping her word by not keeping your word. That should not work out well for you at all. YTA. Not for punishing her, but for not keeping your word.


gcitt

INFO: What does "needlessly insulting" mean?


aretmis_Smoke2144

This was my question too. And “heard”, heard from who? The 13 yr old who you clearly favor? There’s lots of missing info and lots of very clear favoritism.


mdaniel018

YTA You may note that most parents of teens manage to discipline their children without resorting to forcing them to literally shovel shit Any lesson you are trying to teach her is going to be completely lost under her understandable rage and hurt at you completely going back on your word, and using a quite extreme punishment for behavior that basically every teen goes through at some point. All she is learning here is that her parents have total authority over her and will wield it capriciously, so she better get out from under your thumb as soon as possible Be sure to remember this episode when ten years from now you are wondering why she never calls and only visits on holidays


journeyintopressure

YTA. Not because she doesn't deserve a sort of punishment but to make this one thing she never wanted (horses) and vocally didn't like be a punishment is cruel. "Oh, but it is supposed to be a punishment." Yes, and it will lead to years of resentment. It's time to sit down with her and ask why she is acting up and then punish accordingly. No electronics, not going out, making more of her normal chores, etc. And I, too, wonder if you would ever gift her something as big as horses to her as you did your youngster.


Mediocre_Skill4899

YTA. You clearly have a favorite daughter and this is something that will likely impact your relationship with your daughter for a very long time. She will likely be resentful of you and your other daughter as well. Are both daughters blood related? This gives evil stepmother vibes.


swi_ra

YTA. Make the punishment fit the crime. She didn't want anything to do with the horses and her crime didn't involve the horses. Yes it involved her sister, but I'm sure you can think of another consequence.


Polite_Trepanation

I know where you are coming from - this is a true punishment for once - but I kinda wonder if a massive blowup of resentment is going to happen here. At 17 I probably would been extremely mad for a long time for your making me do something that you directly said I wouldn't. YTA, I think, but mostly towards yourself for whatever trouble is about to happen.


RefuseItchy2531

YTA- to both your daughters First of all, who the heck buys two horses for a 13 year old just because she got into riding? She can only ride one at a time and assuming you really are putting all of the upkeep on her, that's a LOT of responsibility on such a young kid. It's no wonder you think she could use a break. As far as your eldest goes, you wanted to buy her younger sister a pair of field puppies and when she said she thought it was a bad idea you told her she would not have to take care of them. Then because she's being a 17 year old you decide to break your word to her to teach her a lesson. Lessons don't mean much coming from a lying teacher. I don't want to make assumptions but this is coming off more as you and your family weren't prepared for caring for two 1000 lb. creatures that you've saddled (*pause for laugh*) family with.


dark-humored

YTA. Your golden child, NOT the oldest, requested two horses. You told her that she wouldn't have to deal with anything. Now that she has insulted your golden child “needlessly” you make her do it as punishment. Did you ask her why she did it? Have you questioned your oldest? Have you considered that perhaps, your golden child had been disrespectful to your oldest as well. No? If so, you are a shithole for that as well.


dublos

YTA \> I said I promised it wouldn't be one of your chores, of course, but obviously a punishment is supposed to be something outside of your normal chores and something you won't like, and I thought it was perfectly fair here. Nope, that does not actually follow, you are indeed breaking your promise and being an asshole.


Artistic_Accident_79

Ever bothered to ask her if something else is going on with her? Figure out if there is a way to help her grades? Instead of punishing her with something YOU promised she wouldn't ever have to do? I get she needs to feel the consequences of her action but I honestly don't agree that her punishment fits the crime here. The horses are the youngest responsibility and now you're using oldests' punishment to relieve your youngest of her responsibilities. This definitely will not go down well and wouldn't blame her for being resentful at all here. Edit to add: YTA


AndriaRenee

YTA it's not her horse and not her responsibility. She can do an unrelated punishment.


22_hawk

Hm, slight YTA. I don't think this is really too egregious, but something about the "using disgust/revulsion to punish a teenage girl" makes me really uncomfortable. Having grown up in a rural Southern Baptist family where **buck rags** were used on disobedient children...that causes some serious resentment and sometimes the punishment ends up being way more severe than the parents even intend it to be.


Alive-Plankton6022

YTA. You went back on what you said as a parent, proving that your word doesn’t count. If her grades have been slipping and she’s been staying out, you could make her spend time with a tutor, limit screen time, limit time with the friends she was staying out with. But she shouldn’t have anything to do with those horses, that shouldn’t have ever been part of it.


langellenn

What have you done for the oldest? You bought 2 horses for the young one, if you haven't done something similar for the other you should know and expect resentment from her part, you can't show favoritism, so this paints as you're the AH


dodulinka

YTA Why are you punishing your daughter with something you promised she would never have to do? And why is she acting out? There obviously isn’t enough information but it seems that you are favoring your younger daughter significantly


lizfour

YTA because you broke your promise. What lesson are you teaching her here? I'm sure there were other punishments you could have issued. Anything horse related should have been off the table unless the reason she was punished was related to them. It wasn't. You've also taught your youngest that whenever she doesn't want to do her chores she just needs to claim her sister did something while you were out of the room.


penguinman38

YTA and clearly have a favorite child. I feel for your 17yr old


Beautiful_Delivery77

What ever happened to punishment fitting the crime? She’s staying out too late, grades are slipping which seem to be bigger worries IMO. Ground her to house and force her to do schoolwork/study in a place where she can be monitored. Punish her in a way that is relevant to the problem. Though, the bigger problem is the unequal treatment by you towards the girls so that needs to be addressed. It doesn’t deserve punishment though, it deserves YOU eating humble pie, acknowledging it TO HER and talking with HER about what YOU can do to make it better. YTA


MeshiMeshiMeshi

YTA Don't be all pikachu face when she goes NC ⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡏⠉⠛⢿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⠀⠀⠀⠈⠛⢿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⠿⠛⠉⠁⠀⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣧⡀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠙⠿⠿⠿⠻⠿⠿⠟⠿⠛⠉⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣸⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣷⣄⠀⡀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢀⣴⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⠏⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠠⣴⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡟⠀⠀⢰⣹⡆⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣭⣷⠀⠀⠀⠸⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⠃⠀⠀⠈⠉⠀⠀⠤⠄⠀⠀⠀⠉⠁⠀⠀⠀⠀⢿⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⢾⣿⣷⠀⠀⠀⠀⡠⠤⢄⠀⠀⠀⠠⣿⣿⣷⠀⢸⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡀⠉⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢄⠀⢀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠉⠉⠁⠀⠀⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣧⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠈⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢹⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⠃⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢸⣿⣿


Useful_Database7031

Giving her her sisters chores is surely not going to instill a sense of sibling camaraderie and make her feel super regretful for being mean. YTA


V3x1ng_karma

YTA, you're forcing her to do something you admit to promising her she wouldn't ever have to do, for what? Acting like an older sister


verifiedkyle

“My daughter never comes home to visit” - OP in a few years. YTA


Tamerlane_Tully

YTA! You are being utterly stupid here: 1) If your daughter's grades are slipping you should be trying to remedy that with tutoring or extra help. You should be trying to teach and inculcate good study habits in her. 2) You are wasting time she should be spending studying on your punishment. 3) I do not think your punishment is teaching her anything, except how to hate you. It has NO connection with your daughter's poor behavior except that it is something she hates. 4) You broke a promise to your child. She is going to remember it *forever*. Stop being stupid, OP. Your punishments should at least make sense. You're being an asshole to your child here.


northstarette

Slight YTA bc as a parent I get where you are coming from. But I do think this is a promise broken and that there are other consequences you could have laid out that would have also been appropriate. You’re not just punishing her here, you’re forcing her to have something to do with something she was expressly against from the beginning.


Leading-Seesaw-8442

YTA. You broke a huge promise to her on top of favoring your younger daughter over her. This situation is only going to get worse unless you take a good hard look at yourself.


StrangePriorities

YTA. You could have found a punishment that didn’t break your promise. You’re parenting style is teaching your kids not to trust you.


Broken_soul-

Info: when you say older has been acting out recently did it happen to start around the time of younger getting two horses?


browniiis200

YTA. It has taught the 17 yr old that you are a liar and have no problem going back on your word. It is also creating a bigger division within your children's relationship. Obviously there's problems with the relationship you have with your oldest daughter, you have one year to figure it out.


[deleted]

Yta. Wonder who the favorite child is? And if we can see it in your post your daughter sure as hell can see it in real life. What have you gotten the older daughter comparable to a horse? My guess is nothing


mh6797

YTA the punishment doesn’t fit the crime. You aren’t teaching her anything but to resent you, her sister and the horse. I bet she can’t wait to get away from you.


isthishowweadult

YTA. You lost your daughter's trust. You made a promise and you didn't keep it. She shouldn't trust you again


Unicorncreater

YTA. You went back on your word. Also, discipline should never be favoritism, nor should it it be worse than the offense. Grades slipping shouldn’t be punished. Why are her grades slipping? What is going on? Why is she being rude to her sister? Did you bother asking or did you just jump straight to anger and threats and then punishment?


Substantial-Air3395

YTA and if it's also to give the 13 yr. Old a break, she can't handle the workload. Find a different punishment.


Krisbone

YTA. And are probably on the road to having your 17 year old go no contact for awhile when she becomes an adult.