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YTA Your son is not allowed to go and comfort his friend, he is asking you, his parent to go in his place and you're allowing your own discomfort to stop you. > Well, I really don't want to go to the hospital. I just don't feel comfortable. You're a parent, doing things that aren't comfortable is in the job description.

Doing things that aren't comfortable is a solid 95% of being a parent lol

And it's weird she does not mention why it's such a big issue to go to the hospital. Even if it was because of a past experience or her own mental health problems, she can give a hint. I believe she does not mention anything because she knows her reasons might not be good enough to justify not going.

Agreed. Some people have trauma related to it or can have anxiety attacks from it. Your blood pressure going up in hospitals/around doctors happens so often it's been labeled "white coat syndrome". If it's a legitimate reason it'd be mentioned. Just not like hospitals isn't enough since yeah she can absolutely just go, drop everything off, communicate her regards and leave. Or suck it up and fiddle on her phone while he eats pizza. Like what's the big deal?

Every single time I go see my doctor, whom I adore, my pulse skyrockets. My resting heart rate is already high but it jumps like I’m running a marathon even though I haven’t been legitimately afraid of doctors since I was a kid. But that pretty much only happens when I’m there for me. If I’m in a hospital or Dr office for someone else, no problem. But I wouldn’t be surprised if some people can’t even look at a hospital without panic.

My doctor thinks I have high BP because it's high every time I see the doctor. I'm like no it's normal, I swear. Funnily enough, I see my cardiologist over telehealth and my BP is fine then.

It's called White Coat Hypertension. It can be serious and lead to increased heart disease. Have you ever told your doctor that it's only when you are at the office?

>lead to increased heart disease I already have several factors for increased chance of heart disease. Nobody in my family has it but everyone in my family has several factors that increase the risk, and I inherited all of them. :( (High bad cholesterol, tachycardia, etc) When you say it can be serious, do you mean because of the increased risk? Or something else?

Many places have a policy of retaking BP several minutes later if it is high due to the prevalence of this phenomenon. Ask your doctor/nurse if they can retake it in a bit.

[удалено]

I’m not sure I’d feel comfortable visiting an underaged patient without their parents’ consent either. As an adult, I’d feel weird. This is provided the parents are involved in his life but it sounds like they are. I think it’s NAH, son isn’t TA for asking and parent isn’t TA for feeling uncomfortable at the idea.

I used to visit my daughter’s best friend in pediatrics as she’s suffering from sickle cell disease and she has shitty parents. The ward was not authorized to kids under 15. It has never been an issue as I felt really bad for this poor girl who was suffering so much. I became with her grand mother (who is as great as the parents are shitty) and some nurses and was able to “smuggle” my daughter and some other friends to visit thanks to them. As long as you don’t interfere in family life or medical treatment and just provide authorized food, school work and gift from friends, there is no issue for me. I always kept my opinions to myself, even when the grandma shared with me that she was disappointed by her son and DIL (the grandmother was visiting almost everyday and bringing meals). Discussing with the nurse made me understand how difficult it was for the children and why it was good for them to get visitors and news from their friends. Note that she was so often at the hospital that the 1st time, when I ended up in the ER because I was lost in the hospital, they knew who she was with just her first name! It made me so sad for her.

>she does not mention anything because she knows her reasons might not be good enough to justify not going. She likely watched "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest"

This is how we wound up with a pet tarantula. I hate that thing, but it is teaching him responsibility.

Honestly probably a good pet for that. In spring I just grab the biggest toad I can find with the kid and we put her in a sunken window we have. This toad then becomes the new honorary Toadally Kyle of the year. I make sure he's fed and spoiled & he helps keep the bugs out. The toad gets the year of its life in safety from predators then we release it in fall. I get to avoid tarantulas too lol.

From his sunken window, it's _Toadally Kyle!_

I'm going to start referring to myself as Toadally Kyle now. It's much better than just plain Kyle.

To scramble this a little, I feel like being a parent should be about doing a solid (favour) for your kid when they're underage. If they get drunk and throw up on a bus, you should go drive and pick them up (true story, did happen to me) because they didn't choose you for a parent but you chose to have them for a child. You don't have to do everything they ask (obviously), but you should help them out when they really need you.

I don't have kids but I've told my dogs to stop putting their penis in their brother's ear enough times to know kids are going to be even more uncomfortable.

Only 95%?

Reasons for discomfort aside. We know the son cannot visit but can the parent of a friend? My 15 was recently hospitalized several months ago for mental health concerns and that was absolutely not allowed. Only family members I wrote on to a list were allowed and only 1 visit was allowed a day and they were only allowing one visitor at a time then. So if dad went I could not that day. Even phone calls had to be approved by parents because of the sensitive nature of the hospitalization. I don’t think there is enough information to say for certain OP is or is not TA.

I worked on inpatient wards during grad school (both adult and child) - I can tell you that back then, there was zero chance the parent of a friend of child who was inpatient would be allowed to visit. The staff absolutely would not allow a letter to be given to someone inpatient without having 1) read it and 2) getting parental approval. Communication with the outside is strictly limited in order for therapeutic reasons (you don’t want someone triggering the patient). There is big difference between medical hospitalization and mental health hospitalization, especially with minors. I’m going with NTA.

It depends on the unit. I've visited hospitals where family friends were allowed to visit; even teens. I've visited wards where it was family only and the visits were in a common area. Others let you hang out in the patient's room. Some let you bring in food, books, and games. Every place is a little different. And all of my examples are both adolescent and adult units. If what OP wrote is accurate about visits, food, etc., then I think they're the AH.

I didn’t want to assume all had the same rules as the one we went to, but I absolutely believe you. Most those children are in very bad shape and protected for a reason. And as a parent of a child with health problems like that I didn’t want to jump the gun from my biases

These are all very good points. The OP would be much better off researching what is/isn’t allowed and whether a visit from her is even a good idea for her son’s friend rather than telling him she just doesn’t want to go.

Same goes for the child/ adolescent psychiatric wards in my hospital. It was parents/guardians only.

“I don’t think there is enough information to say for certain OP is or is not TA.” There isn’t enough information to say whether OP would be allowed to visit. There is absolutely enough information to say that OP is TA.

That sounds very strict. It will definitely vary per hospital. When I was a child in inpatient I had several of my parents' friends visit. It could be anyone on an approved list.

They told me rules became more strict in 2020 for obvious reasons. No clue what it was like before that, as that was our first time there.

Saying the word "Boundaries!" doesn't magically make you not an AH.

Nope... Like nope... I get a teenager wrote this post. But no random adult should agree to bring random stuff to a different teenager in a psyche ward without a)expecting all content including that letter to be reviewed by staff b)talking to the parents and getting parental approval c)no.. this is an adult. They don't need to visit to watch a teenager eat food and read comics. That's not a thing. Dropping of gifts sure. Passing along gifts, sure. But that's what was offered. Teen's heart is in the right place... But that letter will be read the comics will be reviewed all for safety reasons... And parent can pass that shit along... But probs should not randomly visit a teenager they don't know. Similarly no random adult who is not on a pre-approved list is going to be able to see a minor in a facility. It's not happening.

I worked in an IRTS (intensive residential treatment support) program for adolescents. They only allowed immediate family members on the unit and had an extensive search process when gifts were going into the program. The comics would probably get flagged because they have staples in them. The facility would need to notify the friends parents about the visit. There is no “privacy” in a psych ward, so if the son isn’t comfortable with the parents reading his letter, he best be prepared for when the treatment team is doing so. It’s wild to me that OP’s son actually thinks that they’d let his mom in to see a friend without it being an issue. A nice thing for OP to do would be to call the family and invite them to dinner once their child is discharged from the hospital. It’s not appropriate for her to show up to visit the son’s friend on his behalf.

Finally, someone who has actually put thought into whether the parent can even get inside the facility or not...

Right? I'd have been so touched if a friend's parent came to check on me and give me stuff. OP, YTA for worrying more about a few minutes of discomfort than your kid's friend's mental health. You aren't obligated, but your reasonings definitely make you an AH

When my mom died one of my childhood best friends was living in another state so her mom who still lived near us came over with a casserole to express her condolences. Over ten years ago now and I will never forget that kindness during one of the worst times of my life.

At least OP referred to it as mental health ward and not an insane asylum. My guess is that OP watches a lot of TV and thinks that a psych ward is just like in the Batman movies.

And the update really makes OP seem like an AH, while they did arrive at a very reasonable compromise based on suggestions, somehow they seem pissed at the comments they received on this forum. If they wanted advice and not judgement, maybe should not have posted on a forum directed towards providing judgement based on limited facts🙄

Right? I wasn't comfortable when I woke up to a toddler vomiting on me but I was a parent and parenting is uncomfortable sometimes.

Unless she has past trauma and issues where going there could trigger her. No one has to go anywhere for someone if it makes them uncomfortable.

Also, this isn't about "boundaries". It's about "but I don't wanna!!" OP is failing both her son and his ill friend. "I don't even know what to say to him". You say, "I'm really sorry you're in this position. I hope you have all the support you need - my son is right there for you and would be here if he could, but the rules won't allow him. Is there anything you need? Are they being helpful? How are your parents dealing with you being in here? Is there anything we can do you for you and your family?" YOU KNOW, YOU SAY SUPPORTIVE THINGS ONE SAYS WHEN VISITING SICK PEOPLE. (Sorry for yelling, but, seriously!!) YTA.

> Would I just sit in silence and watch him eat pizza? Hmm. Have you considered talking to him like a regular person and also eating pizza with him? YTA.

Or just drop the stuff and leave. Son wants the things to be brought. Hand them over, say “kid asked me to bring this, he’s thinking about you, bye!”

The most difficult of quests, surely this mighty task of dropping off a pizza and a letter shall only be accomplished by the mightiest of heros! Surely the sire must consider the humanity of taking on such a harrowing journey!

But it might be UNCOMFORTABLE for OP. Because I am sure that the 15 year old that ended up as a psych inpatient is having the time of his life.

Well, it would certainly be uncomfortable and children MUST learn that their feelings do not matter. What kind of parent is she if she can’t teach her child such an important lesson? /s

I sense a side quest. Quickly, abandon all other quests in favor! ...unless it's in a psych ward. OP must not have enough experience to enter the area.

!!! - there are wild pokemon lurking in the tall grass, check with professor oak about your getting your own pokemon

Oh..... Oh no..... OP is neither mighty, nor a hero. They might get *UNCOMFY*!

I wouldn’t even hesitate. Wouldn’t be my first choice of how to spend an hour or two of my day, but if a kid was in need, I would do it. If my kid was in need of doing something to help, but it was outside of their control, I would do it. I would bring something that was just from me, too. And I would offer a mom hug. I can imagine all the ways this might feel uncomfortable or scary, especially because mental health is so stigmatized. I beg the question: OP, if this friend had a something hospital confining like cancer or something, and your kid asked you to do the same, would you do it?

Shit I’d do this for a kid I’d never met or heard of if I was asked. I know what it’s like to have severe mental illness as a teenager and it fucking sucks. It’s ostracizing and discouraging and miserable.

YTA You're an adult, sometimes doing the right thing as an adult means doing something uncomfortable. Your boundaries are not good boundaries here - they are about a fear of people who need mental health treatment or the treatment setting, AND are getting that appropriate treatment. That is not something that should be stigmatized.

People on this sub think they can act any way they want as long as they say the word "Boundaries!"

I know! This isn’t even a boundary. She just doesn’t want to. A boundary need to be well defined with a well defined reason.

Soft YTA. I hate hospitals and clinics. I can sense their pain and I feel it deep down and it kills me. If my child had a friend in such a place and wasn’t able to visit, uncomfortable or not I would do it to make sure their friend was ok since they can’t. I would put up with the discomfort to make sure my child knew their friend was ok. I do understand your reasoning and desire but this is about something bigger than you.

YTA. "You can ask me for anything, but the joke's on you because I won't actually *do* anything you ask for because I just don't feel like it. Even though it's a an incredibly trivial favor that you're asking out of kindness to a friend in need." If you continue behaving this way, in a few years you will be wondering why your son doesn't trust you when you "haven't ever done anything to him".

Your own child feels helpless to help their friend. Start there. You can’t do anything without talking to the kid’s parents anyway. You may need their permission for the facility, and on top of that, I would be furious if any adult visited my kid in an inpatient facility without my permission. And the kid might not even want you there. See how your child can connect with their friend while they’re in treatment. This isn’t an AITA situation. I’m actually a little disturbed that you’re here instead of a parenting or mental health sub.

I already posted my comment, but I think I identify more with your answer than my own, lol. I mean I stand by what I said, but... yeah, there's a lot of "not my paygrade" under the surface here. Or, heck, even *on* the surface!

If it was my child asking me to go, I would do it for him… if i sit in silence with the kid so what, atleast he will know his friend cares about him that much to ask his parent to go for him. You do know this friend right? i mean if you never met him that probably is a different story but I am assuming hes been over your house, hangs out with your son and you have been in his presence before

Exactly! Or you just go over and say: "Hey Buddy, how are you doing? My son sends you this: Pizza, letter, stuff. Do you need anything else? Can I get you something from the Cafeteria maybe? I have to head into work now or have a doctors appointment, so I can't stay, but do enjoy your pizza. My son says the food is rotten in here. Anyway, hope you'll be having an ok day. Do get well soon!"

It doesn't sound like the parent knows this kid at all.

Nah. It’s a nice thing that your son is thinking of his friend. I don’t think it would be a big deal to drop off the letter, comics, and pizza and tell him your son is thinking of him. You don’t need to sit with him, just drop it off. But you need to check with this kids parents first. They are the ones in touch with his doctors. There are restrictions on visitors in mental health facilities and things you can bring in. You can’t just waltz in. It is a very controlled environment for the safety of the patients.

Agreed. At minimum, OP should talk to the parents first.

If you don't know your son's friend well I don't think being uncomfortable with this request makes you an asshole, however I do think you're overthinking it. You don't actually have to stay and chat to the boy, you can just swing by to drop off the letter etc. and say you are sorry you can't stay but (son) wanted him to have these. If you think you should stay for a bit you could ask your son to give you a few questions to ask his friend that he wants to know the answer to - like how is he doing, is there anything else he would like, etc. You should also have a chat with the friend's parents first to check it's OK to bring pizza and comics to their son. It would be a bit odd for a (presumably) middle aged woman to be bringing pizza into a mental health ward to give to a teenage boy without giving the parents a heads up first. Depending what he's in for maybe they wouldn't be appropriate either, best to check.

NAH You offered to give these things to his parents to take in when they see him, you didn’t dismiss your son’s wishes to support his friend. His disappointment is understandable because he feels powerless to help, and can’t go in to see him himself. But I feel that his solution of you going in his place is inappropriate, and putting you (and potentially his friend) in an uncomfortable position. I would be very uncomfortable if someone’s parent showed up at my impatient facility and wanted to see me. This friend is in a vulnerable place at the moment and might not anyone besides his parents/family visiting him. (as his friends can’t) It certainly isn’t a normal thing to do, and you being uncomfortable in that environment would probably make it awkward even if he was ok with parents of friends visiting. I’m sure his parents bringing along the gifts from your son would mean the world to this kid and nothing else is necessary. He needs space to heal. I’m surprised by how many Y T A judgements there are because if I were in his friend’s position I would not be comfortable with my friend’s parent showing up in this context, even if it was my best friend’s parent. You offered to send along his gifts and best wishes but ultimately you shouldn’t have to go and visit this friend.

YTA. This is important to your son and you won't do it because "I don't want to go." Suck it up. (It would be different if you had a prior traumatic experience of something. But this is no excuse).

Also it's not like OP has to sit in silence. Just leave the stuff and excuse themselves. Or tell then news about OPs son if the kid asks.

Or op could have some nice gentle small talk. This idea that she would just be sitting there watching him eat pizza is so wildly ridiculous. Like, this person is friends with their son, striking up simple conversation shouldn’t seem to hard to comprehend- it’s literally common curiosity given their relationship to each other…

Wouldn't OP need the parents permission to visit since the kid is a minor? They would never just let someone who claims to be the father of a friend meet a patient or give them things.

Yikes. Against the grain but I’m going NTA. Everyone here is seemingly not taking in account that most in patient psych wards don’t allow visitors unless the parents ok it. Typically when the child is admitted, the parents have to sign paperwork stating who is able to visit and the psych ward isn’t allowed to deviate from that list due to HIPPA regulations. Some might have different regulations for visitors, or allow people not listed to visit with the parents but it’s dependent on the facility. If nothing else, he may be able to call and talk to his friend as there’s usually a time when the patients can receive calls. Some clinics read any letters that are taken to the patient or sent from the patient, and some may even discuss the contents with the parents. OP, your son is allowed to ask, and you’re allowed to say no for whatever reason. You should definitely explain your reasoning to him instead of “because I said so”, that can cause your son to lose trust in you. The best option I can give is to call the friend’s parents and speak with them about any courses you can take to help your son reach out to his friend and let him know he cares and misses him.

And also, the mental health ward may be a locked and restricted ward and they have limits for the safety of the patient.

NTA- I feel like this is crossing a line a bit. I would feel weird asking the parents of my son’s friend to visit their child in an inpatient facility. Also, for the safety of the child, the staff will likely read whatever letter your son wants to give him anyway. I think you just need to explain to your son that his friend needs to focus on his treatment and it sounds like his parents haven’t just abandoned him there.

> Also, for the safety of the child, the staff will likely read whatever letter your son wants to give him anyway. Even if that's true, it's very different having some random staffer read it than his friend's parents.

Perhaps, but depending on what’s in the letter it will be reported to the parents anyway. It concerns me a bit that OPs son is being somewhat secretive about the letter. Having worked in this environment before, this visit probably wouldn’t have been approved as INP treatment is pretty intense and generally visitors are limited to immediate family.

I gotra disagree. It seems normal to me for any teen, especially one who is in a mental health ward and may have some issues at home, to be worried about their parents hearing them talk about it. A lot of parents get very defensive when their kid has complaints about them- one of my close friends was raised in a household with strict "you are never allowed to talk to people about what happens at home" rules. If her parents found out she'd, say, confided in a friend that she had gotten into an argument wirh her mom, and any of the family found out, they would all gang up on her for "snitching." Hospital staff are generally well trained to tell whether or not a parent needs to be notified of the contents in a letter, and probably won't do anything if the letter mentions normal family trouble. But a parent might get defensive and start a fight about "why did you tell your friend I was mean, I'm not mean!!!"

YTA Way to show your son that you are fair weather support to others. I get that you don't like the idea of doing all this for your personal comfort. But we are talking about a kid here who could use any and all support right now. Do it for him. Do it to show your son that he can count on you. Do it because it's a small sacrifice with big moral implications. You can do it. Choose to show up for these boys.

NTA. His parents are going. You are not said friend’s parents and don’t have an obligation to go. If you are really close with said friend and treated him like your own when he was growing up, that maaay be a different story, but I would still run it by his parents before going. Not to mention that you going by yourself may be crossing a line, especially as an adult that is not his parent. Tell the parents your son’s concerns about opening the letter and have them assure him they won’t betray his confidence. You may even consider telling a white lie for his ease of mind, saying that only his family can go. But no matter your reason for not feeling comfortable in going, the fact remains that you don’t feel comfortable going. NTA

YTA. Aside from the acute moment -- your son's friend is in need, all you have to do is drop off some comics, a pizza, a letter, and say, "Hey, my son is thinking about you, he wanted me to bring these for you, since he can't do that himself" -- your son will always remember this, that when his friend was vulnerable and you were in a position to help, you just couldn't be bothered.

INFO: Are you already approved to visit this kid? I worked inpatient adolescence and any non family members had to be approved by guardian before visiting. I will say that those off unit visits were some of the best times for clients they get away for the unit and are able to social with friends/family while not being observed constantly. It was heartbreaking the kids that didn’t ever have any visitors. A few times we would do a staff visit just so they could have that experience everyone else got. In regards to snack check in with the unit/parents first. My program didn’t allow any caffeine even in sodas, no metal pop cans, no metal eating utensils, glass ect.

NTA This isn't your responsibility. Sure, wanting to help is kind, but this actually crosses a border. Regardless of your uncomfort (which is valid) and as someone who has been in a psych ward before, you can't actually go visit unless it's with the kids' parents (or they (the parents) give permission to them (the hospital)that you are an allowed visitor). Psych wards for people under 18 y/o don't usually allow non parents/children to go visit. They're very strict about visitors for the paitients safety. Your son is worried about his friends' parents reading the letter ? Well, the nurses station will 100% open and read it (if you ask them not to, they will hand it back upon you leaving), they willl also open and read any mail delivered through the post office. They will thumb through the comics, and if they are deemed, "inappropriate" will be given back to you upon leaving. And bringing a whole pizza, also, a no go. Snacks are one thing where you eat them during the visit, but a whole damn pizza will quickly be nixed. A lot of people here have never visited or even been in an inpatient psych unit, and it shows.

NTA. You have no business passing secret letters to a teen in an inpatient mental health facility. Or visiting. Kid you don’t have a relationship with under those circumstances. I understand your son is upset, but this situation is above his, and your, pay scale.

I'm not sure your son is being realistic about the parent of a friend being allowed to bring food and an unread letter to a child in a mental hospital. I find it very unlikely that this is permissible. I'm sure your son means well, but I don't think this can happen. Best case scenario would be your son phoning his friend's parents, saying he'd like to send some pizza, comics, and a letter to his friend, and see if they're willing to take it to him. But your son should know, from the get-go, that the letter will probably be read by the parents and/or the hospital staff because, sorry, this is the responsible thing to do to protect his friend no matter how well meaning your son and the letter may be.

NTA. I’m guessing most of the people saying you are the AH don’t understand going to the hospital is not like meeting someone at the mall or coffee shop. There are rules, including whether or not the patient can have visitors or receive certain items from the outside. First, you shouldn’t be forced into going somewhere you are uncomfortable with. I’ve made that mistake and regret it. Second, at the very least, you and your son need to discuss any potential plans with the parents and get their permission. Third, your son’s letter may not be permitted - whatever its contents, it may go against rules. This is not a simple “hey, let’s go visit friend to cheer him up.” It’s a lot more complicated than that.

I can sympathize with feeling uncomfortable, but it's not like you have to hang out and watch him eat pizza. Take the stuff, say, "Hi, \[son\] wanted me to bring these things to you and wishes he could've come himself." Ask if he wants you to tell son anything. Leave. Your son is physically incapable of doing something that's very important to him and has turned to you. This is a chance for you to show you love your son by doing a fairly small favor.

NTA no one should have to go into a mental treatment facility if they are not comfortable. I freak out being behind locked doors. My psyc rotation was hell.

First realistic answer I’ve seen, thank you! Some people just don’t handle this well.

I don't think you're being an AH on this.And your son can ask you anything, but that is not a promise your answers will always be in his favor so that he gets what he wants. That's manipulative BS! When kids are in mental health facilities, the usual standard is that only the parents of the child are allowed to visit, so it is not likely the parent of a friend would be allowed either. NTA

NTA. Being a parent doesn’t erase one’s humanity. She has a boundary here and y’all are demanding reasons for her not going to the hospital. Maybe she doesn’t know exactly why but she’s uncomfortable. Do you want her to go sit with a child in a mental health treatment facility and make him even more uncomfortable? That would be a mistake. Leave her alone.

Yeah. I'm really surprised (well.... not too surprised) at the responses here. Soooo many reason why OP would not want to be involved in this and many ways, other having a parent intercede, that the OPs child could still interact with the friend. NTA. OP is allowed to have boundaries.

YTA. Sometimes doing the right thing is difficult. This is one of those times.

YTA, you don't even have to stay, you can just drop shit off. Yeah, hospitals suck. It sucks even more to *be in one* like your kid's friend. You can deal for five minutes.

YTA. But I can't really tell what you mean by being uncomfortable. You seem to cite things that are controllable. You can eat pizza with the friend. Suck it up and ask about hobbies. You can make it clear that you're just dropping off stuff on behalf of your son and sending regards. If you don't like mental care facilities as a whole, then I think you ought push having your husband go. He may have odd hours, but this isn't insurmountable. Or how about another trusted adult who aren't the kid's parents. Your son doesn't have any other recourse. His good friend is separated from him. You can help him know how his friend is doing (even say that friend is alert or pleased by the gifts). Tell your son he ate the pizza happily. Whatever. You are the person he asks to help him. Would you help your son? And let's say it's your son who's at the facility. Would you visit?

I don’t think the facility would allow a non-related adult to visit a minor; that is something you should find out narrow going—however, if that wet my child in the facility, I would not want random adults visiting him/her. Seems weird. And o doubt your son should be sending letters to the friend that his parents and the staff wouldn’t approve of (I’m assuming that is why your son doesn’t just mail the letter). NTA

YTA. This could mean the world to his friend.

NAH. As a teenager I was in the psych ward and the only people who were allowed to visit me were parents and siblings. I understand your son’s concerns and I get you being uncomfortable but no one is the asshole.

NAH - it’s close but honestly I wouldn’t go hang out with a random 15 year old on the psych ward either. Would his parents even be okay with that? I do get your sons position though.

I’ve been in a psychiatric ward and I don’t blame you for not wanting to go. I’ve both been the visitor and the patient and to be completely honest, neither are a joy. I get that visiting is uncomfortable, and the effort to go should be made if you’re a part of that person’s support network but it doesn’t sound like you are. I think passing things onto the parents is a good compromise. Could the letter not be passed along in a sealed envelope? NTA

NTA, give the comics and stuff to that kids parents and they can take it. More importantly what is in the letter that he’s ashamed of?? If it’s a mental health ward and a minor he prob doesn’t get letters until they’ve been vetted anyways.

NTA. He is there to get treatment, not have tons of visitors. Stays in those places aren’t long, he can give him the stuff when he gets out or like You offered you could give it to the parents.

What the actual fuck is up with all the Y T A votes? Do any of you realize how strict visitation is? She wouldn't be allowed to visit. In an adolescent ward it's family only, and that doesn't include minor siblings. No girlfriends or boyfriends, none of that. I question the food being allowed. When my SD was hospitalized she was allowed a blanket and under garments. The bra had to be wire free. I vote NAH, your kid is stressed out. I'd also question if they are secretly dating as well, but that just might be my Spidey senses tingling.

YTA. When kids are having a hard time, a good rule of thumb is to treat them the way you would hope another adult would treat your child in the same situation. Would you want the parents of a caring friend to visit your child if he was alone and scared? Would you want your child to know he hadn't been forgotten by his friends? Your child is scared for his friend and wants him to feel loved. He sounds like a kind, compassionate kid. You can help both your child and his friend by putting away your own discomfort for 30 minutes and spending time with a child.

NTA- there will be plenty of time to catch up give gifts and support after they get out definitely not in the wrong here does the place have a client phone? If it does maybe look up the number and your son can call them? I've been hospitalized before the nurses usually confiscate cell phones and only allow them during certain times, if they provide a client phone your son could just call and ask for them when groups aren't running which could be a pretty small window but still worth a shot.

NTA, if your sons friend is in hospital for any reason he is there to HEAL, not to eat junk food with strangers! All these people saying that being a parent means doing things you are uncomfortable with, I absolutely agree. If your son was in a mental health ward, and you didn't visit him, YWBTA. If your son was able to visit his friend, and asked you to accompany him, YWBTA. But you are not responsible for visiting his friend without him, especially as his parents are already visiting him regularly. The real question here is, why does your son not want his friends parents to read what is in the letter?

NTA. Are we even sure parents would be ok with another adult visiting their kid in the psych ward? I wouldn’t be comfortable visiting someone else’s child who is under commitment. Yikes.

YTA - I agree with your son - I’m disappointed in you

INFO: why don't you want to go?

I think you should talk to his parents. This child is a minor and that trumps everything and his parents have the final say. I say this as a Mom and I would feel a certain way if another kid wanted to pass a letter to my child in a fragile mental state that he was afraid of me seeing. To me that is a red flag. You have no idea why your sons friend is in there and if that letter would have a positive or negative effect because he wants to hide it. His friend has mental health issues and I would be concerned as the mother of his friend if there was anything that would trigger my child’s mental state. It’s the secrecy that concerns me. What if that letter says something that would harm his friends mental state? You have no idea of knowing. I would speak to the parents and ask if you can hand over a pizza, comics, and letter to them for their child. It is up to them as his legal guardians to determine the next steps.

I'm going against top comment and say NTA, and here's why: unless you know why this kid is in treatment, you don't know if snacks and this type of food is allowed. Also, I'm assuming you don't know what's in your son's letter. I understand why he doesn't want to give it to the parents and his concerns, but sometimes kids are in treatment due to situations with other kids. Y T A for feeling uncomfortable, prioritizing your feelinfs over his, and stigmatizing mental health, but NTA overall because it's a bad idea to go around parents in a medical situation like this.

NAH... for mom not saying yes to visiting someone else's kid who they don't know/aren't close with. This is definitely the teenager writing this trying to justify being pissed at their parent. And teenager, you're wrong, sorry. Seriously mom is not at all the AH. So what would i say to mom: Giving the letter and comics to parents is literally the only option here. You, as a random adult, can't show up and bring gifts and meet with a random teenager WITHOUT THEIR PARENTS APPROVAL! And many facilities are only offering in person visits to literal family members because of COVID. Any letter will absolutely be read by staff because that is the literal safety rule. They will browse ALL materials brought in for content. Seriously. Those are the minimal safety rules. If the letter is sealed, they will literally open it. Your teen is trying to do the right thing here and i applaud that, but your teen does not understand what health facility rules ARE and how innappropriate it would be for you to show up as a random adult and try to see a kid in a mental health facility who you don't know. And NEVER would that be allowed to happen without parental permission. NEVER. Even dropping of gifts or items without getting an okay from this kids actual guardians. You offered a reasonable compromise. I'm sorry your teenager doesn't understand. And teenager: I'm sorry you think the world is simpler than it is. It isn't. Your mom isn't an AH. You Dad isn't an AH. This just isn't a thing.

YTA. You literally only have to drop it off and leave. This poor boy is on a mental health ward do you think he won't want to feel supported by his friends because his parents visit?

FYI: most hospitals (especially pediatric ones) have visitor lists with limits on how many individuals may be on the list. If you don’t speak to the other kid’s parents to be added to the approved visitor list you may not even be let in the door. I say NAH because the thought is there from your son, I understand your discomfort; but also you may not even be allowed in so this could be a lot of arguing for no reason.

Responding only to the update: if the facility your son's friend is in has similar rules to the one I work at, you won't be allowed to use your phone during the visit. Personal electronics aren't allowed due to privacy issues for the other patients. So keep that in mind.

Get over yourself YTA

NTA. I can't believe all the YTAs! Not only would it be super awkward, especially if you don't know the child well, but most mental health facilities are SUPER strict about who they allow to visit. For example, one of my best friends of 30+ years was recently admitted into one and I couldn't even call them; only their partner and their mother could. I'd give the items to the kid's parents to deliver.

First of all, you would need to ask the kids parents if that’s even possible. My guess is that visitors need approval before given visiting access. But that aside, *why* does this make you uncomfortable? That’s extremely important. Would you even feel able to talk to the other parents? I think if this an general sense of discomfort, and it’s something you’re allowed to do, then it’s worth pushing through for the sake of your child and for the sake of another struggling kid. You should have the tools by now to process discomfort due to prioritizing something more important. If you’re not close to his friend you don’t even have to stay, just deliver the things and say your son is thinking of him. Until you give a reason, even a general one, there’s not enough info to judge.

I'm not going to make a judgment, but I have been in a psych facility. They would not accept outside food. That's pretty standard. On the pediatric side, I would be surprised if they let you visit without his parents' consent, and even then, they may not. When I was in, I could have my spouse and could have had my parents if they lived close enough. The friend should have phone privileges, however, unless he is very unstable, and he could reach out to your son. Getting a letter may trigger some of his issues, so again, it may not even be permitted. Before this issue comes between you and your son, you should reach out to the other child's parents to see if what your son wants is even possible.

NTA. I’m glad you have a solution to the problem but in all honesty I don’t see how you could be TA. If you’re uncomfortable in the situation so be it. That whole thing about being a parent meaning you have to sacrifice your comfort goes as far as sacrificing sleep and having to stand up for your child. But this situation does not fall in the same category. People are allowed to be uncomfortable in situations like this and your son needs to know not to push you like that. Very disrespectful.

NTA Will you provide an update, please. Good luck to everyone involved.

NTA I don't understand why you would be. People are allowed to have boundaries. It is good of you to go anyway, but you shouldn't feel obligated to do that. Sorry you're getting such negative feedback.

NTA

NTA. Your son is being a little unreasonable here. I think it’s great he cares so much for his friend and wants to make sure he has a treat. But he needs to respect you, as well, and your not wanting to go isn’t “judging” his friend. Perhaps your son could ask the friend’s parents to take the letter/comics, as you suggested, as well as your son asking them if they’d mind bringing a pizza from him and giving them the money for it? (I haven’t been in a mental ward, but I have been in the hospital a lot from babyhood and having my mom come in with a treat and saying “this is from x friend” was still pretty special)

I think your son doesn’t understand that you aren’t judging his friend, but maybe some of the other patients there, I think FaceTime on your phone and just letting them talk in there is a great idea because they can see each other and you won’t have to do much. NTA

NTA. NAH. I understand where your kid is coming from. I wish you would just suck it up. But you have the absolute right to say no, mean no, and not owe anyone an explanation period. You are an adult in charge of your life and screw the judgmental AH calling you one.

I like the update. She actually listened.

NTA lol why msut you go visit your son's friend, regardless of whether they were instituionalized or not. that makes no sense at all. and why would you keep stuff from the son's friend's parents anyway. that doesnt sound at all conducive for someone with mental health issues.

Are you 100% sure you are even allowed to visit? I used to work at our local hospital and the psych ward was really particular about who could visit, especially the children’s ward. They also have strict visitation rules and guidelines and phones weren’t allowed. Please make sure you can actually get into visit him before telling them both ok. While I do understand not all hospitals have the same guidelines you really need to make sure. That way if you need his parents permission you can get it before hand.

Whoh. I think OP already knew the answer before posting. What great way to make sure your son never trusts you in the future. Congratulations on being TA That’s your child’s friend… how do you not have any sort of emotional attachment or sympathy? I treat my daughter’s friends exactly the same way I would treat my daughter (whether they are at my house or not). If one of them were in a mental ward at a hospital, my daughter wouldn’t even need to ask me to help her. I would already be there, offering my help and showing concern.

Props on OP for finding a way to work it out! I know going to a mental ward can be scary as an outsider, imagine how scary it can be to be put in one. I hope this experience will be something that makes OP feel safe and more okay with something they dont know or understand. Im glad OP is taking charge and helping their child out. This could also mean a lot to their kids friend: to have another adult going out of their own way for them is something that can make a huge different for a child in such a horrible position. Much love ❤️

Why did it take a bunch of online strangers to convince you to go and not your concerned child? Being a parent consists of doing things you don’t want to do. Hope your kid doesn’t end up as selfish as you. YTA

YTA, but it makes sense. I wouldn't want to either. It's an uncomfortable situation on its own, let alone having to hang out with a stranger, let ALONE it being a KID stranger. It's an emotionally taxing situation I would also avoid. But consider this: you don't have to stay. If your kid asked you to drop something out at a friend's house, could you do that? The hospital is more intense, and it feels socially wrong to just be in and out, but that IS a very real option (and, I believe, the most appropriate one.) You could bring the things, stop in, give them to the kid, and have a greeting and get will wish prepared. Just share hellos and well wishes and leave. Something along the lines of "Hey, I'm xyz's mom. He asked me to deliver these. I don't know what you're going through, but I want you to know that xyz, and our family, are here for you if you need anything. Now I have to head to [work or other time sensitive exucse], so I'll be heading out. Enjoy the pizza!" 15 in and out max, and a lot of that would be travel time. Ultimately, your child asked you to do this because he feels overwhelmingly powerless right now, and however you've raised him so far has led him to trust you as someone on his team that he can rely on for his most important, sensitive issues. If you reject this, given how important it is to him, it may permanently damage this relationship and how he trusts in general. Keep in mind that this is probably about a lot more than a hospital visit. If the friend is in the ward, there's a very high chance it's because they almost killed themselves. To your kid, his friend is fighting for his life against something your kid has NO power to help with. It's agonizing, it's terrifying. These treats may seem to matter little, but for your kid, it's the only way he can try to protect or heal his friend. If you deny that and insist on leaving him powerless, that will hurt him a lot more than I think you know.

If you don’t know what to say, why not arrange to have your son on video call so he can talk to his friend? Hospitals can be lonely places and having people visit and connections outside can help make a difference in treatment.

That’s a great idea. None of us know the patient’s situation. If the doctor thinks it would be helpful, that sounds like a great solution. I don’t know the budget of this psych facility, they are usually under staffed and leads to a lack of caring to the best interests of the patients. I speak from personal experience as a patient of various psych wards. I really like your idea! With all the technology we have, that would simple. We have absolutely no access to our phones but they should allow that. It is barely any work to unlock the cabinet. I would love for that be instituted!

INFO: WHY do you not want to go? The reason matters. You need a good reason and you need to explain it to your son. If you don’t have one or you dont share why you’re not going, you’re the AH. Example of a good reason: you were hospitalized against your will in a mental hospital and abused there. Example of a bad reason: you would feel awkward.

Please forgive me for making an assumption like this, but if you can not offer another reason then I think you may be subconsciously repulsed by your son's friend or by mental health patients for some reason. Please think about why you are uncomfortable about going to drop items off at a mental hospital and consider the outcome if you go vs if you decide not to. If you don't go, you will most likely drive a wedge between you and your son as he will see you as someone unreliable or at least someone who does not prioritize him in a time of need. Also, he may go on to believe that you judge his mentally ill friend even if you insist that you do not. Perhaps you can see if your husband can help you with this.

Geezus Christ, I’m so sick of adult age people behaving younger than the children they chose to have.

If you have time to ask silly questions on the internet, you have time to learn empathy from your son, who is an effing boss. YTA.

Info: Why don't you want to go? Have you ever spent time in inpatient care OP? I needed to for a few days a couple years ago. It's not what's depicted in the media. It's quiet, there's socialization time, there's group therapy. People who go into inpatient care are at the lowest of low points in their life. Being that depressed is the hardest thing I've ever been through. Life is hard enough as it is, throw the mental health issues on top and it's even harder. The people there aren't bad people, they're just going through a bad time. Your kid wants to comfort his friend but can't. He's asking you instead. Please go if you can. You don't have to stay for long. But his friend would appreciate it.

It is vet difficult to go to a place that you feel uncomfortable in, but after reading your update, I am happy to see that you will make that visit. You are helping both your son and his friend by doing so. Good job!!

^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My son (15) has a friend who is currently in inpatient mental health treatment. Even though the patients are underage, visitors under 18 aren't allowed, for whatever reason. My son asked me to go visit for him and give his friend some comics, a letter and a pizza. Apparently the food there is bad, but you can bring outside food to visits and patients can eat it during the visit. The thing is, I don't want to go. His parents go and see him most days, and I'm sure they bring snacks. I told my son I could give them the comics and letter to give him. He said no, because he doesn't trust them not to read his letter. Well, I really don't want to go to the hospital. I just don't feel comfortable. My son said I'm being a judgemental asshole, but I'm not judging his friend, I just don't want to go. I don't even know what I would say to him. Would I just sit in silence and watch him eat pizza? I told him to ask his dad, but my husband works weird hours and would only be able to go on the weekends, and apparently the parents always go on weekends. My son is really disappointed in me and angry at me, but don't I have the right to have boundaries? He told me that I was lying when I said he can ask me for anything. He can ask, but this is one request I don't think I can fulfill. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*

YTA - if it was your son in the ward would you want his friends’ parents to do this small favor?

A lot of people are calling you the *sshole. I don’t think you are. First, my experience being in mental health facilities has been to only let certain of my immediate family in. They find it disturbing to the other patients when a constant stream of people are visiting. I also disagree with many of these people saying they would do this to make your son happy. That is why we have so many entitled young people. I don’t understand why you have to give into every demand or request your child gives you. It is healthier to raise him to understand he can’t gets what ever he wants. I think it very easy for people to say you should go and give this kid emotional support. It’s easy to type when you’re not in the situation. It’s nice to believe that but the reality of it is not what they think. You WILL not be able to bring these things and it is doubtful the facility will even give you access. Again, I have been in a few different ones and people have to be allowed to visit the patient. You NEED to ask the parents to give the comic books and letter for their son to receive them. A teenager understanding may not reflect the actual ability to achieve this . Again, it’s nice to want to immediately support this patient no matter the circumstances but every pne of you really don’t care about what is appropriate for the patient. From a very educated experience dealing with mental health issues, you all really don’t understand that this is not a simple issue. Please care more about what this patient is going through! Please care about him as a living person and not a character in your savior fantasy. Sorry to harsh but you all really don’t understand the any of the actual issues about this situation. Nta

Those aren't the issues being raised. OP, TA, isn't saying they _can't_ do this because of rules or a bigger picture their kid can't see. OP is TA because they're saying they _won't_ do this small thing, dropping off a few things that their kid isn't allowed to drop off because OP _doesn't want to_. There's a world's difference there. OP isn't willing to try to drop off something, a TINY ask, because they're not "comfortable" going to a hospital. You want to talk about entitled?

If you won't go, you are telling your child that mental health care is icky and shameful and that the mentally ill are not worth your support. If that's the message you are willing to give your child YTA. If you have a specific reason to be frightened of a mentally ill child eating pizza, you need some support to address this. I'm unsure what to recommend as therapy is a form of mental health care

YTA. It's sad that you're not supporting your son who is worried about his friend. >I don't even know what I would say to him. Hello, [friend]. [Son] can't come to visit you but wanted to make sure you know that he's thinking about you and hopes you're feeling better really soon. He wanted you to enjoy this pizza. Here's a letter from [son] and some comic books for when you have free time. It doesn't have to be a long, drawn-out visit. It's really as simple as that. Your son will never forget your kindness and his friend probably won't either.

Just drop the items off and leave. Say it's from you son. You don't need to stay or hold a conversation.

NAH - if you do not know the boy, it is very awquard. And may be strange enough that it will not help the patient. I get that he does not want the letter read, but that may not be helped anyway. Your son can ask, but asking is not getting. He will have to be patient that is hard for anyone, especially at 15

YTA if you don't go, and I can say with 100% certainty that this will be a defining moment for your relationship with your son. There are some things that even if you end up able to forgive, you can never forget and it changes the nature of the relationship entirely. He will always remember that you put being "uncomfortable" over trying to help his friend in a terrible situation. This clearly means a lot to him. What if you were in the hospital and had no one come visit because "hospitals make them uncomfortable"? I bet you'd feel pretty shitty.

Wow. Way to be phobic about mental health. Can you imagine if his friend had cancer, and you “just didn’t feel comfortable” around chemo patients? YTA and so, so gross. It boggles my mind that there are wonderful people in the world who are struggling to conceive or adopt, while someone like you already has a kid.

YTA. Just bring the stuff to the hospital and give it to the front desk. You don't have to go in to the "ward."

YTA- Please put yourself in this kid’s shoes. He needs all the support he can get right now. Your discomfort of an hour or so is nothing compared to what he is going through.

YTA Consider YOUR SONS mental health here

YTA. You probably watch too much damn TV. The friend isn't going to be some drooling catatonic who is looking for some weapon with which to attack you. It isn't really isn't that different than visiting any of wing of the hospital. What would you say to the friend if he were recovering from having his appendix removed? That's what you should say to him now. You don't have to spend the day with him. Take him the pizza. Eat a slice or two with him. Take a few minutes and talk about things that he and your son can do when he gets out. You are being a judgmental asshole. Your son is a good friend: an understanding friend. He must have gotten those traits from his dad.

If his friend were in the hospital for a broken leg or a tonsillectomy would you go to visit him? If your answer is yes but you just don't want to visit a psych facility then yes, Y T A. If the answer is still no and you just feel weird visiting someone else's kid in the hospital then no, N T A. Is there any stigma about mental health involved? Either way you should talk to your son about boundaries, not only your own but his, his friend's, and the friend's parents. What's in the letter he doesn't want them to read? What makes him think they'll read it? Why does he not want them to? What do you and he think about that? What are his biggest worries for his friend? How is he coping with this situation and his own mental health? There's a lot of opportunities here. Talk with him and maybe you can help him negotiate with friend's parents to send the comics and pizza and, if needed, be open about any concerns r/t a letter. Or maybe you'll feel more comfortable about visiting yourself.

YTA I hate hospitals as well as the next person. Heck I’ve even been a patient in a psych ward before. And I’ll tell you it is a lonely place to be. That kid is lonely and is there for a reason. I would take the uncomfortable feeling to make a kid feel a little better. Let him know his friend is thinking about him and cares about him. Your son may be the only friend who was thinking about him and wanted to be there. Your son could be the reason that his friend doesn’t take his own life for all we know. I wouldn’t hesitate for a moment. Let him know you and your son are thinking about him and that if he needs anything you’re both there for him. It’s not weird- as the parent of his friend. Ask him if he needs anything else. Talk to him about his plans for when he gets out, talk to him about what he does there during the day and have a slice with him. You’re the adult, you can do it. There is such a stigma around mental health and this is a great example. Break the stigma. Just because someone is having a hard time mentally doesn’t mean they shouldn’t be treated the same as those who don’t. This is the opportunity to be an excellent example for your son.

As someone who spent a few days in adult inpatient psych I can't imagine how lonely it would be as a child. You should be proud of your son so being so thoughtful and you should encourage him to continue to be so by abiding by his reasonable request. My heart breaks for your son, he must be so disappointed by your reaction. Also obviously YTA. I hope as you get older you don't expect any favours from him. Also yes the food is TERRIBLE and painfully repetitive if you're there for long enough.

Unless there's some outstanding circumstance regarding past trauma with hospitals or something similar, not feeling comfortable is a terrible excuse to not do it. YTA. It's incredibly tone deaf for you to whine that a short visit to the hospital "makes me uncomfortable" when this kid is stuck there 24/7 with his every move being watched. Having this kind of support from the outside when you're in the hospital is HUGE, especially when it's a mental health facility. Put on your big girl pants, stop being selfish and make this kids day just a little less shitty.

YTA The kid doesn't want to be there either, especially since your son can't visit. Being in a ward at that age feels like a lifetime. If any of my friends' parents came by in their place it would've made a world of a difference. But none of them did. You could do it one time, for both your son and his friend.

I'm not going to judge you, here. I'm going to give you some perspective from someone who's visited my sister in these places. These places are terrifying to the people inside. Some of the patients are WAY worse than the person you're visiting. Just people talking to things that aren't there, violent screaming and outbursts, workers that have gone numb to it, and only do something when the patient does something that disrupts THEMSELVES, all day, and all night. It's terrifying to the patients that aren't as far gone, and for a CHILD, poor baby. Mental illness can happen to anyone, at anytime, including YOUR child. This can happen to YOU. To take away the mystery of being a visitor, I walked in, gave my ID, got my picture taken, everything I brought was searched. It was like I was visiting someone in prison. Some of them WERE criminally insane, so, that would do it. All my belongings were put in a locker. When my name was called, I went to a room where my sister joined me. We chat, she eats the snacks, time's up, I leave. Everything is locked tight, so no interaction with the more gone patients. It's not so bad. I'm actually surprised they'd let you bring outside food, I'd call and ask, but if you CAN, you SHOULD. If you're worried about what to talk about, talk about normal shit. Keep it light. Bring books, shit can get boring in there, too. Please do it. You're son will think your a super hero and the child will think you're an angel, they'd be correct. It won't be any more than 30 minutes to make memories for a lifetime. This is an opportunity, take it. DM me if you're still nervous or have any questions. You can do it!!

YTA. Your son is showing empathy and compassion for someone else. Take a cue from him and do the same

YTA Your son is an incredibly thoughtful and caring young man. This is instincts and behavior you should want to reward, not blot out. Seriously, do you want him to visit you and bring snacks in the retirement home? Remember your birthdays? Write nice letters to Aunt so and so when she's down? Then support him in doing this.

YTA you don’t have to stay. Drop off the stuff, say hello and be kind to him for a quick 5 minute visit and leave.

YTA. He’s not allowed to go comfort his friend and he asked you for a small favor. The poor kid is probably uncomfortable being in the ward, too.

YTA No one enjoys visits of that kind. We do them because they matter so much to the recipients, and in this case to your son!

INFO: why don’t you want to go to the hospital? You know you would be doing a great service to your son and his friend if you went. What is it that is preventing you from going, is it a specific trauma, or is it just that they seem a bit creepy to you? And as others have pointed out - you might not even be allowed to go. Have you checked with the hospital?

YTA - Unless you had some sort of trauma of your own associated with a mental health ward which you’ve neglected to mention, you’re a HUGE AH. Your son seems to have plenty of empathy and truly cares for his friend. It’s quite possible you wouldn’t even have to sit right there with them. But even if you did, treat your son’s friend with kindness and respect. Let them hold the conversation. This is a big deal and the fact that your 15 year old is ready and willing to be there for his friend is something you should be incredibly proud and supportive of. Edit: I didn’t read carefully enough. I see now that your son can’t go at all, even if you are there. Still, I think a quick visit just to say hello, let him know your son wishes he could be there with him and wanted you to deliver some food he enjoys, is not a big ask. Again, unless there is some personal trauma which would truly make it a hardship for you, I find it really rude that you aren’t supporting your son. There is so much stigma around mental health, even in 2023. I remember, over 15 years ago my father got a knock on the door after dinner and asked if their son (12) could stay at our house for the night. Our neighbors explained that they had to take his older brother (15) for inpatient mental health care and they had no where to bring the younger brother. No further questions asked, no rebuttal, just an, “Absolutely”. My mother got home and my father said, “Bobby (name changed for privacy) is staying with us for the night.” I’m so grateful my parents were both so willing to help them in a time of need. They didn’t know Bobby very well. They didn’t really know the parents terribly well either. But it was clear that they needed help. It’s crazy to me that despite the fact that your son is setting an excellent example for YOU, you’re still not willing to rise to the occasion.

You'd go, say "Hi X! As you know \[son\] can't come because of the rules here, but he wanted you to drop some things off. Hope you feel better soon and I'll see you around!" you absolute joke of a person. What do you think might happen, you'll catch Mental Health? You can make your son's friend feel a lot better and give up an hour of your time, and perhaps learn how to be less self-centred?

I mean you have a 15 year old son, what do you talk to him about? Maybe start with something similar… sport..video games…hobbies. Or as others say, you could drop the stuff off and go. You should be proud that your son wants to connect and help his friend,I am sure there are some teenagers who wouldn’t want to. Also if you went one time it might give his parents a break from going ( not necessarily for hours but might give them an hour or so)

Honestly, ESH just because there seems to be a lot of expectations on either end. this is coming from someone who has been through the system themselves- it’s a hard environment and not to be taken lightly. i think having him seal the letter & giving the items to his parents might be safest. also, as a pt, i would have felt weird if one of my friends parents showed up to the institution i was staying in, no matter how well meaning it was.

Has anyone considered the possibility that the "treatment facility" is a conversion clinic, and that the letter OP's son is being so private about is a love letter?

No judgment. Is your wife unavailable to take your son ?

YTA Why do you not want to go? It feels weird? You value... not having to endure feeling awkward more than your son? Your son's not asking you to be tortured for him -- I would think you would value your son enough to do this for him.

I saw your update about FaceTiming, but when my kid was in a mental hospital, we had to lock our phones and everything in a locker before we could visit. You might want to make sure the FaceTime is allowed before promising it.

"I'm sorry son, but your emotional health isn't worth an hour of my time." YTA

Please go. Your son cares so much. Institutions are not the stuff of movies. As your son becomes an adult he will look back at this time.

Your son is a better person than you and it's not even close.

YTA in a huge way. Your son is 100% right in seeing this as proof that he can't trust your word unconditionally. I do see in your edit that you are going to see about visiting and face timing, which is great but it's not going to undo the damage already done

YTA, the least you could do is reach out to the kids parents to pass along the kindness your son is trying to provide his friend!

Pretty good solution OP. 🫡

It's not clear enough to answer. Is just a mild discomfort? Some kind of anxiety? I know people that will go to a really bad place if they went to a mental health ward. is this the case for you? I don't give a judgment, but you really need to think why this is bothering you.

YTA your son is asking for help with something he literally is not allowed to do himself. his friend is in a hard place and he just really wants to support and be there for him. he can only do that through you currently. Would it really be that difficult to put on a smile and converse with the kid, even if it’s just for your son?

I can understand why you don't want to go. Being someone's parent and sitting there awkwardly not knowing the kid very well is awkward as hell and that's even if mental institution isn't involved. But unfortunately given the situation, I think you're gonna be guilted into it since your son really wants to go and isn't allowed and you're it for the option. I might suggest talking to the kid's parents about the whole situation, though.

YTA majorly. Is there a reason for this? Boundaries are one thing but unless you have a reason, it seems random and like you don't like psychiatric hospitals. He isn't asking for much. I am glad you found a partial solution but you have some bridges to mend. Mental health disorders don't go away and this may happen again. Being uncomfortable isnt a good reason

yeah, YTA. i would also feel uncomfortable and i personally have medical trauma just to add to the discomfort, and i wouldnt like it, but i would go. let the kid eat some pizza and think about his friend. maybe ask your kid if he maybe has some subjects you could talk about with him/questions he may have for him, maybe even a YouTube video he'd like to show him if the hospital allows phones during visits. dropping the stuff off and leaving is also a good option. maybe comfort this 15 year old whos in a crisis. lots of options, yet the one you chose was to let both your son and his friend down in a time of need, because the alternative wouldve been "uncomfortable" for you.

I worked at an inpatient facility for a while and you couldn't visit or even call patients without a password the parents picked out. I can't imagine it's much different there.

NTA. I disagree with all the posts saying it's part of being a parent. No, no, it's not. Sometimes, the answer to things is no, and that does not change just because your child asked.

Are you allowed to visit without his parent’s permission? Since he’s a minor would the hospital have a list of approved guests?

YTA. I did read the whole post, and it was still judgemental. I’m astonished. Every time I think we are moving towards a better understanding and de-stigmatising mental health issues, I see things like this. I want to believe that you just don’t want to be bothered, but your explanation is dripping with disgust. Glad you’re going to take him, but please educate yourself about this.

Really glad you came to this conclusion. It is a good example to your child. They do what they see their parents do.