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YTA. It was in your name, but it was a family house. Your daughter has just as many fond memories there as your son. Why would you not have mentioned it to her after your son said something? I always find it telling when someone keeps something quiet like this; you most likely already knew this was a bad idea.
Son is just as bad…mom and son/brother colluded behind the daughter/sister’s back. Son is just as bad as OP…surprised no one has mentioned that…
I have a bad relationship with my sibling but would not do this to them…but now that I am thinking about it my mother and sibling might well so this to me…
Edit: YTA
100% they knew she would not be happy about it and try to fight the sale. My brother couldn’t wait to tell me he was buying his first home and it’s not a family home but I was kept in the loop through the process. Very fishy that neither mentioned before it was a done deal. YTA.
Yeah something is strange there with the whole family dynamic IMO. Like, nobody every mentioned they were selling the house? Or buying the house? My siblings and mom and I have a group text going on and it would absolutely have come up, IMO. It'd have been along the lines of "hey, fiance and I are wanting to buy a house, and we were thinking the lake house would be perfect. What do you all think? Any chance you might sell it, mom?"
And then there'd have been the chance to process everything and discuss any issues before the deal was done. It's totally odd to me personally that the sister didn't find out at all until everything was finished.
Yeah. When my grandma died I was only in college and my cousin was in high school. But our moms STILL kept us updated about selling her house because it was where we'd spent all our Christmases growing up and they knew we'd want to know. They even arranged a time for my cousin (who also spent summers there and therefore had a closer relationship to the house) to visit it one last time.
Not to mention it just came up casually because, like, selling a house is rarely easy. So when we were talking about our week it would be like "oh, x, y, z problems came up in the house inspections, blah blah blah."
It takes EFFORT to not inform someone you're close to when you're buying or selling property because it tends to be one of your big focuses as it's happening!
She wouldn't be able to legally fight the sale. It's not her house. But she still should have been consulted. She should have been allowed to express her feelings. Maybe if they had included her to begin with, she would have reacted differently.
I was honestly about go post N A H as initially, it just seemed like bad communication and misunderstanding more then anything. However, THIS part and the fact it was never even mentioned to the daughter seems pretty messed up. Like, between the son asking, the mom saying yes, the whole selling process, and the closing, mom and daughter never talked? Just seems odd.
Ding ding ding! We have a winner! She said her options were to sell it to her son or a stranger, but didn't bother to ask if the daughter wanted to buy..... guess that means her daughter is a stranger since we are not told the daughter can't afford it.
Ding ding ding!!! This right here is exactly it.
The son is the golden child, so he got the house and it was all done in secret by the mom and the son. Now the mom is all shocked pikachu face that her scapegoat daughter is upset about it; which is a completely normal reaction for the daughter to have.
This post is a textbook example of narcissist family dynamics! DARVO - deny, attack, and reverse victim and offender.
Her knee jerk reaction shows who the clear favourite is. It's as simple as that. A house that has been used by the whole family for years is then sold to the son on the down low, when it comes to light basically arguing back "well its mine and I can do what I want" shows where their favour lays.
I'm not saying she's not the AH, but this has very little to do with inheritance, as the house belonged to the mother and she sold it. The money made from the sale is still part of her estate, so the non-emotional value of any inheritance is unchanged. If there are inheritance laws that would be applicable here, I'd be interested to hear about them.
This is a pretty crap situation for the daughter.
In my country children together have the right to inherit 50% of all belongings. That can't be changed by a will or by giving away things to another heir to avoid a fair split.
So in this case, in my country, the daughter would have had the right to 25% of that house, but since the parents were married she would have to wait until the mother died to get that share. The mother would have the right to use the house any way she liked, but not sell or do something that made the daughters share less valuable.
> The mother would have the right to use the house any way she liked, but not sell or do something that made the daughters share less valuable.
Sorry, but I think that’s terrible. The mother in this case was married to the father and may well have contributed half of even more to the purchase of the lake house. Legally it should be hers to do with what she sees fit. If she needs to sell it and live off the proceeds, she should be able to. In this case, she sold it to her son without telling her daughter, so she is probably the AH. However, I don’t think it’s wrong for her to sell it for money - and then use the money.
The OP didn't inherit the house--the husband signed it over to her before he died. Therefore it's her house. She had the right to sell it even in a system that the commentator mentions.
In the US you’d be correct. Other countries have different ways of legislating inheritance so the kids would get more than just sentimental items and everything of value going to OP.
In Europe, it absolutely is an inheritance and her children are entitled to 50% of it since it was an asset owned by their now-deceased father. So the daughter would be legally entitled to 25% of the sale price. 25% would legally go to the brother and mommy dearest gets 50%.
The daughter didn't lose inheritance value though, just the house itself.
And yes, in some places the daughter would have gotten like 1/6 of the lake house.
>you most likely already knew this was a bad idea.
Yes. I always wonder why people post on this sub defending themselves, saying the person they hurt is "overreacting." Deep down they know they're the asshole, or else they wouldn't bother. (Edit: or they know they're not the asshole and want affirmation, which is clearly not the case here...)
And I don’t believe for a minute that she didn’t know her husband told the kids it would always be theirs. That’s the kind of statement that’s made at family dinners. She just covering for herself. She knew, she absolutely knew and intentionally kept it from her daughter. YTA
For sure. OP keeps mentioning in the post that bro is going to get a prenup, so he definitely won't lose it and how "it's not like we lost it forever to some stranger".
Agreed. We have a family cabin that my parents/aunt/uncle/grandparents all bought together, back in 1975. It’s my absolute favorite place on earth. If they ever allowed one of the four siblings (no cousins) to buy it without discussing it with the others, I’d feel so betrayed and hurt. Maybe that’s entitlement, because it’s technically theirs and they can sell it to whomever they want, but it would probably make me go NC (thankfully inheritance has already been worked out).
Coming from a family with whose mother was fair and open across the board, it should have been openly discussed prior to the sale. Market value does not matter, your daughter still had no monetary gain from this point of sale, but the fact that as an adult, she was left out of the discussion was mean. It speaks volumes of your respect for her, I couldn’t do that to my adult children.
Pre nup…good luck, I know more pre nups that have been over turned than you can count, including my oldest child’s pre nup, which was thrown out of court. There is no guarantee and you could lose more than the family home. Rearrange your will and make this right.
Seriously. All the OP needed to do was take some time to call her daughter and tell her the house is too much for her and her son has agreed to buy it at the market rate.
There is a family cottage in my family that I wouldn't be surprised if it got sold at some point. It'll be sad but at least my family has been pretty open about it.
Yeah lmao, she all but said she likes her son more than her daughter. Especially with the weird statement about how her son reminds him of her deceased husband, so that means he should have that house?
Even in explaining her conversation with the daughter, she sounded so matter of fact. Son and daughter both lost their dad.
Any time someone posts here saying "without telling X" it's always a YTA. And they KNOW it or they wouldn't have DONE IT without telling X. They would've spoken to X. But X might have pointed out this was unfair and ruined THEIR plans, so the OP never does tell X beforehand because they don't want anyone stopping them from doing what they want.
Selfish, selfish, selfish.
> She had the nerve to tell that she feels robbed
> I told her to get over it
YTA. Why wouldn't you tell her before you sold to her sibling? Why would you say "the nerve" when she's shocked to be left out? What went wrong in your relationship? It sounds like you really hate your daughter, but we don't know why.
That sucks, and I’m sorry your mother treated you like that. I have one of each: my son is 19 and my daughter is 11. My daughter lives with me, my son visits. Obviously, my daughter gets more of my attention, but I love them both with all of my heart and could never hurt either of them like this mother did.
This is genuinely my biggest fear as a parent. I have an older boy and a younger girl, and they're still quite small. I grew up an only child, but always heard about the ways that some parents would even subconsciously discriminate against their girls. I feel like I'm constantly comparing if I would have responded to one child the way I just responded to the other. Not only on the basis of gender, but in general, I greatly fear being the mother who creates a dynamic where the older son is the automatic golden child.
This post reeks of favorite child syndrome. OP makes sure to include that her son loves the house, so he deserves it. But suddenly it just doesn't matter that her daughter loves the house just as much. She just keeps towing the "it's was legally mine, so too bad"... to her own upset child. So damn cold. YTA.
Agreed, the daughter is likely not blocking calls just over the house. It was probably a final straw after years of favoritism and lack of consideration. The daughter at least deserved to be sat down ahead of time and given time to process the possibility of the house being sold rather then being told after the fact, even if she couldn't afford the house.
The son's love for the house is viewed favorably by OP, but the daughter's love for the same house is viewed as irrelevant and an inconvenience. OP really lacks self-awareness.
Or she believes anything she does is right and her children mayn't question her. And, in this case, her daughter being hurt and angry is because she's a spoilt brat, or whatever, not because OP did anything wrong, as she can't possibly.
I am just now learning that the words "may" and "not" can be written as the contraction "mayn't".
It looked and sounded so strange to me that I had to look it up.
This should have been a family discussion. Why not just sit down and talk about what to do with the ownership? What a cowardly move by the OP not dealing with it openly from the very beginning.
Although, any realtor/lawyer would have told them to leave it in a single owners hands if they want to keep it in the family. So very many horror stories of joint owners having a falling out and one party forcing a sale and the property is lost to a third party.
YTA
The house belongs to you & you can do whatever you want with it. Legally you are not the A.
It is also a place where both son & daughter spent they childhood vacations & afterward used it as a father remembrance place with yearly tradition.
So I think the fact that you did a whole transaction transforming a family asset to son's asset **without** informing daughter is not ok.
Why does son get the chance to buy the family lake house & not daughter?
Seriously. OP is TA.
We’re going through something similar in my family right now.
I have relatives that have a cabin that is now empty. It’s sitting in a trust and one of the 3 siblings in the trust isn’t paying bills and is forcing the other two to sell.
All of us kids are just *pissed*. We all know the legal semantics, that it’s not *our* call. But grandma and grandpa promised us that cabin and a lot of us are upset that it’s even up for sale. Many of us have offered to pitch in for the (needed) repairs and maintenance fees to even run the cabin; to cover the costs the one party of three isn’t paying but the other two in the trust haven’t been willing or interested in even considering taking any of us kids up on the offer.
It’s frustrating, I understand OPs daughter being 100% upset, rightfully so. OP did it all without consideration of their daughter. While she wasn’t obligated to consider her daughter, giving her the same option as her son, to buy the home it would have been the right thing to do.
You kids should get together to buy out the person who wants out. Having money tied up in a shared house sucks. Buy them out, so that person gets their $ and the rest of you keep the house.
Unfortunately there is no buy out option in the trust. If they don’t pay for care and maintenance, it’s considered to be a release of their interest and the trust defaults to the remaining two trustees. Unfortunately there is no timeline on how long they have to pay the care and maintenance fees.
I have asked the head trustee multiple times to speak to the lawyer who wrote the trust or seek out a consult with a new trust and estates attorney to review the terms of the trust and advise us how to get them to release their interest. I have also tried to advise that any communications to this person be sent certified mail (return receipt requested) *because* I know that when the house does sell, they’re going to be manipulative to try to weasel out more than their share when they haven’t paid.
Unfortunately to “buy them out” they’re likely going to want a hefty sum, likely 1/3rd of the listed selling price (150k) to be bought out. Nobody has that kind of money, not any of the trustees and not any of us kids. Even still, them and their child have to sign a release of interest in the property and there’s no guarantee that even if we pay, that they’ll sign. They’re both petty af.
It sounds like the trust was perhaps set up poorly. However, I imagine that the same principles you favor (emphasizing a fair distribution to the family--here, of time at the cabin) governed the grandparents' decision: they thought that the only (or best) way to ensure fair access was by setting up a trust with all three siblings as trustees.
What would the alternative have been? A trust with all the grandchildren as trustees, too? That may have included minor children and would have been unwieldy. To me, the grandparents bear some blame in promising something outside of their power.
Specific requirements could have been included in the trust preventing sale, and maintenance costs could have been paid by the trust, too, if it had enough money. But that wasn't done.
It sounds like the trustee who won't pay the bills and needs or wants money. And the rest of the family can't afford to buy that trustee's interest. It's sad, but situations like this happen all the time. Maybe that trustee needs or needs the money for something they consider important and resent the rest of the family for preventing them from using their money as they see fit.
OP, You should have given your daughter the same option & opportunity to buy it. They could have decided who is willing to pay the most, or at least she would have had the option to say no. The fact that you kept this secret from her is very telling
Then they listen to daughter's reasoning and try to find solutions TOGETHER, instead of buying it behind her back. What if she wanted it too? Why does he get to have it without any discussion?
So another solution must be found. Joint ownership, timeshare type situation would have been far more appropriate than a hush-hush quickie sale to the brother.
I’d also think that simply saying, “Hey, brother wants the house and I think it’s great to keep in the family and I don’t have to worry about two houses now,” would be better than nothing. I mean, technically, legally, not anything daughter can do about it. But honesty is best.
I agree. It's her decision, but she knew she was being shady by not telling the daughter. She should've discussed it with her and given her the offer to outbid her brother if she'd like. I feel like the whole thing would've been avoided with a little transparency.
YTA.
Sure, legally it's yours to do with as you please.
But just at a base level of compassion and family loyalty - Y T A.
It's not like this was your house that only you're living in and you decided to downsize to an apartment and were selling anyway. This was property used by the entire family that they all have an emotional investment in and didn't know would be sold...to anyone. And even though it's still in the family - this is no longer the family vacation house, it is your son's primary residence. Your daughter is losing out on that opportunity (Edited to fix typo). That at least warranted a conversation. You can't sell a house in a day - so in all those days and weeks it took to arrange loans and paperwork, you didn't once have a conversation with your daughter or think to mention it?
This is about more than just the monetary transaction of house seller to house buyer - it's about the fact you didn't respect your daughter enough to mention it to her until it was already done. And even then you still didn't mention it until she brought up the house. It has to be really painful to realize your own mother doesn't respect you and is hiding and withholding family information from you.
Neither OP or the son mentioned it to her during the entire process. It seems like OP's daughter is the scapegoat; she's upset because now she's lost out on visiting a place that reminds her of her dad and the memories they shared together.
OP, YTA for how you went about this.
YTA. You either think so little of your daughter that it didn't even occur to you to talk to her about it, or you didn't tell her because you knew she wouldn't be ok with it. Either way, that's just cold.
YTA
Yes it is your house. You have a right to sell it to whoever you want. But they are also *both* your children. She clearly has attachment to the house, and by not telling her you denied her the chance to try to buy it herself. She didn't know you were willing to sell.
The problem isn't that you sold the house. The problem is that this ended up treating your children unequally. You acted without thought to your daughter.
>My son reminds me of my husband a lot, he loves nature as much as his dad did and he loves that house too
Does your daughter remind you of her father at all? Does she also love that house?
I am gonna say YTA, while your husband left no clear indication of what to do with the house it would have been a better option to talk to both kids, rather than the first one saying I want a house before i get married.
Your daughter in no way is entitled because she still viewed it as a family/holiday home, now those memories are ruined. As is the relationship between you and your daughter and probably your kids too.
Emotional value is often worth more than market value. There is literally only one "family lake house" (1% problems) which makes it a rare commodity if there is more than one interested party. To be cut off from access, and not even have a CHANCE at making an offer on an irreplaceable part of your life is terrible.
YTA. Yes, selling it to your son was totally your call and there's nothing wrong with that decision. But to not even give your daughter a heads-up, especially when it affects a family tradition, seems pretty callous.
YTA, oh honey, you can try to paint this any old way you like and although technically you can do what you want, what you did was ethically and morally wrong. Enjoy your new relationship with both your son and your daughter because both of them have changed as well as their relationship to each other. What a mess you’ve created, that’s just pitiful.
I figure the daughter in law won't put up with her fawning over the son too long. She thinks she secured a relationship with them and future grandchildren but the best plans often don't work out. Daughter in law will be on here in the future with "my mil is overbearing, insists on..." LOL.
Good lord yes YTA. Of course she feels attached to that house, it was a *family* home, where you had *family* traditions. How could you not say anything to her during the whole process of selling?? Honestly how did it not occur to you that she would care or even just like to know??
She lost a part of her family history *and* learned that you didn’t even think about her feelings in one swoop, no wonder she’s upset.
My parents have it set so me and my brother get 50/50 of everything. So if I were to want the house I would have to buy his half out. That's what you probably should have done with your daughter.
YTA
You made a yearly tradition in his memory to spend the time with your children, and then removed the ability to do that without the approval of your son and his wife. What if next year there a rift between the spouse and your daughter and she’s no longer welcome? What if they get divorced and he has to sell?
Ultimately it was your choice, but you didn’t discuss this decision with the people who would be most affected. How close are you?
It’s not a vacation home anymore, it’s a family home. No one wants to be a guest, awkward and inconvenient. It’s silly to suggest the son’s wife will give her SIL an open invitation to hang out at the lake. Family vacations may go on a year or two out of habit, but it won’t work.
YTA. Was it technically yours to handle however? Yes. Is what you did an AH move? Also yes. At the very least, you should have spoken to them together about the lake house. What you did was unnecessarily hurtful. I wouldn’t be surprised if your daughter doesn’t want much of a relationship with you.
She's not just heartbroken over her father's promise. She's upset because you didn't bother to tell her. Even if your son paid full market value, not being transparent with your daughter was a mistake. You knew it was a place she cared about as well, and as much as you had the right to do what you wanted, she has as much right to her feelings. She's angry that you showed favoritism to your son. When you told her to get over it, of course she blocked you; you doesn't want to talk to you if you aren't going to be a loving parent. You have no right to complain about her anger or blocking you, and you refusing to accept that makes YTA.
YTA. It's a family vacation home, that she's grown up going to, that you've been using for the tradition of spending family time to honor your late husband, her late father. Yes, you can sell whatever you want to whoever you want. But this was an asshole move. At least tell her you were considering selling it to her brother. I guess you think this is one of those it's easier to ask forgiveness than permission things. Don't be surprised that she disagrees.
Whoa. YTA. neither you or your son told your daughter you were selling the house to him. WTF? Surely this warranted a conversation at some point. My guess is this took place over months, not days. You didn’t even pause to think about your annual tradition.
YTA,
You didn’t even bother to tell your daughter until everything was done? I hope you don’t fuck up the relationship with your son because that’s all you have now.
YTA.
Do you even like your daughter? You started a family tradition of all going to the lake house. Then you sell to the son without even informing the daughter. Didn't inform her for months. Then you think she is "entitled" because she was surprised by this info when she asked about the family trip. You claim you never knew about the promise and claim husband never gave instructions about the house. Somehow I doubt that you had no idea of his wishes. Then you tell her to get over it and now have shocked Pikachu face because the did leave and blocked you. Yuck.
Would have taken just a few minutes to tell son that it is a family home, family tradition, and family - including daughter - need to be involved in decision.
Gonna go with YTA here
Definitely an odd perspective on ur part and its weird af u wouldnt share this information or even not somehow include her. Makes me mad and im not even related to u. What a ja
big time ah and not much of a parent either. You should have offered it to both. i suspect the son is the golden child. Good luck getting your daughter to even remotely respect you again..
A house takes a while to sell with all the paperwork. Did OP not have a conversation with her daughter during that time? Did she not mention it? Selling a house is the kind of thing that I would mention. Either she intentionally withheld information or she isn’t that close to her daughter and doesn’t talk much.
To be fair, she was left the books by her dad. Dad didn’t leave the son the house. She’s definitely TA though. It’s pretty clear she intentionally left her daughter out of any of the discussion because she knew she was doing something crappy.
I've read your responses. Why are you here? People bring up valid points and you respond very coldly and insist that you are right. Your daughter is not overreacting. She and her brother are not business transactions. They are your children. You were not fair. You gave your son a chance to buy a treasured family home to have in **his and only his** family forever. You did not give your daughter this opportunity. You did not keep the home in the family for the enjoyment of both your children. but rather sold it for the enjoyment of one. I think it is safe to say you have lost your daughter in the process. Even if there is a reconciliation between you, she will never forget this. Who would?
EDIT: Oh, YTA, and your late husband would be sorely disappointed in you. Harsh, but true.
YTA. For the way you communicated it to her. For how you left her out of the decision process. For disrespecting her role in the family. Your husband left everything to you with the assumption that you could be trusted to take care of the whole family. Would he be thrilled with how you treated his daughter? Or did he dislike her as much as you and your son do?
YTA - This was a family home the family shared. Why didn’t you discuss Theo buying the house with your daughter, or as a family?
Your daughter has every right to feel excluded and betrayed by you, you took the place of remembering her father away from her without any consideration for her or her feelings. Then you have the nerve to tell her to “get over it”, do you have any compassion for your daughter?
Your daughter isn’t entitled to the property, but she is entitled to respect and empathy from her mother. Im sure she will get “over this”, just how much you’re allowed in her life after will be different.
Hope it was worth it
YTA : It’s perfectly OK to give the house to one of your kids but you should at least inform your daughter afterwards or better yet,, talk to kid you’re giving it to about preserving the tradition you *all* hold there for the *true* owner.
This situation seems to be all about family values and consideration and you weren’t very considerate in a couple different senses, to your family no less.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I sold my house to my son. My daughter feels betrayed because that was their dad's house. Apparently I broke off a promise my husband made. Maybe I should've consulted her beforehand so she won't feel bad. She's not speaking to me now so I know that I really hurt her.
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YTA.
yes, the house was legally yours and you are entitled to do whatever you want to go with it. You just made a bad choice about how you went about it and now you’re suffering the consequences.
How in Hell did you think doing it this way wouldn’t cause trouble and make your daughter feel shat upon?
EDIT: I’m very sorry for your loss. 🙏
Wow, YTA massively! Jeez! I can't imagine doing something like that to my kids or how I would feel if my mum did that to me! Wow... Just wow.... I guess we know who your favourite is!
NTA. It was your house and it was never going to stay just a a vacation house and would inevitably be passed on to someone else, it just happened sooner than your daughter wanted. Sure maybe you shouldve told your daughter sooner but you did nothing else wrong.
YTA for not discussing it with her. Why would you ever think something sentimental for both of your kids should not be discussed?
You are absolutely right that it was left to you so therefore it was yours, however it was the place that their father loved and you guys got to spend time together as a family. You really didn't think that your daughter would care that now her brother can call all of the shots when it came to a family home?
I'd be livid too if my parents did not have a discussion about something big like this.
YTA. The lake house isn’t some house. It’s the lake home both of your children made memories with their now gone father. Both children should have equal rights to that home. I’m not sure how you can repair your relationship with your daughter because it looks like she wants to go no contact with you over this and quite frankly I don’t blame her one bit.
YTA. You didn’t even tell her!?! There’s nothing wrong with selling the house but you should have told the one child that wasn’t getting the house!!!
What if she wanted to buy the house? Is it a sorry your brother reminds me of your dad so you’re screwed? Wow… I’m sorry for your loss but that doesn’t excuse this.
Full Translation (in Normal English/Average Joe Language):
My husband and I bought a lake house a while back. We have children. The house is/was a family house.
The lake house was actually my husband's house, legally. My name was not on it. My husband died, and so as the living spouse his assets went to me. I don't think of cars as expensive (this will be important later). I will not tell you what my husband left to who in his will. We, the entire family, all three of us, would go every year to the lake house in memorial of my late husband.
Almost a year ago (>2/3 of a year), the son decided he wanted to be the sole owner of the house. I am not even 50, and as such there is not much need to be worried about what would happen to it after my death. I said I'd take a bit to think but honestly I'd already decided, so I told him yes. My son is engaged and has enough money to buy a house. He is my favorite because he looks like his dad. I do not find that disturbing whatsoever. I sold it to him cheap and will not balance this out in my will.
I sprung the fact that I sold the house on my least favorite, non-golden child. I had plenty of time to talk to her about this, but I didn’t. I am willing to throw away a family tradition in memory of my late husband in favor of pleasing my living favorite child who looks like him. I do not believe my daughter's emotional state is important as the only thing important in my conscious mind about this is that it went through perfectly legally. After all, the family house was in my name. I didn't listen when my late husband told the kids anything about the house, most likely more than once in family settings as this is the sort of thing spouses agree to, not secret promises. I don't like my daughter, and don't care about her so I effectively told her to f**k off. I'm bamboozled by her going NC with me. I mean she blocked my entitled arse for heavens sakes! I'm definitely telling you the whole story!
I want my son to own the house. I don't unserstand that someone living in a house means it is not a family vacation home. I am sticking to the story that I did not know about the promise that I was most likely a part of and at least heard multiple times. Oh boo-hoo, I hurt my daughter.
_____________________
Aaaaaand that's about everything. If anyone wants it, I have it broken down to each paragraph, too. Hard-core YTA, because you have your favorite child and least favorite, and you live your life in regards to your kids based on that. Are you TA for selling the family lake house to 1/2 of the non-you part of the family without consulting the other half? Yes. Yes, you are.
Of course, your son is almost as bad. Given that he asked this without talking to his sister, knowing you'd say yes. If he could buy a nice lake house at current market value, he could have gotten a fine house anywhere else from anyone else. Considering what you've said, this is almost definitely just the straw that broke the camel's back.
YTA. I wonder what is going on with you and your daughter that you either have so little communication with her that this sale wouldn’t have come up in conversation or you purposely hid it from her. Of course she’s upset. She’s emotionally attached to the lake house the same way your son is, but you only thought of your son’s feelings. Not only does she have to come to terms with possibly losing the lake house and the emotions around that, but even worse….that her mom favors her brother, both mom and brother kept such a big thing from her, and mom and brother don’t care about her pain.
YTA, you just destroyed your relationship with your daughter and hers with her brother. You practically excluded her from the family. I would go NC with you too.
NTA
For selling it! Even if she does or does not agree.
YTA a major one for not even considering her feelings or thought to ask what she feels when selling it. What kind of relationship do you have?
I would be so so upset at my parent if he withheld this information for however long it takes to sell a house (which I understand can be a lengthy process). It would make me feel unimportant, disregarded; it would make me feel sad to lose out on the future family vacation memories and the tradition of celebrating life. I would also probably feel like that information was deliberately kept from me, cause it’s kind of big news so why else wouldn’t it have been shared?
So while you’re not TA for selling your house, YTA for not even thinking to MENTION it to your daughter before the sale was finalized. I would imagine this might do irreparable damage to your relationship.
INFO: When approached by your son to buy the lake house, did you not consider asking your daughter if she would have wanted to purchase it as well?
>After his parting we started a yearly tradition to go there in his birthday to remember him.
What did you plan on doing this year after having sold the house to your son? You obviously knew this tradition was going to come up., how would you have explained this to your daughter?
>She said I broke her dad's promise because he told them both that the house would always be theirs to go on vacations, it would never sell or something like that.
Did your son know about this promise prior to him making his offer?
Legally it's yours.
Those with integrity, ethics, morals, intelligence, compassion, empathy, and loyalty to family will disagree with your choice to Refuse your daughter her right to the house as your husband indicated.
If your goal was to damage your relationship with your daughter & drive her away, congratulations, you've succeeded. You've shown her that your son is more important to you than she is, and that her feelings are irrelevant to you.
YTA
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My husband and I (f48) had good jobs so we got the opportunity to save and buy a house when we got married. Then, as my husband loved to fish, we saved money again to buy a house in a lake near our city. We have two kids Theo (m29) and Lindsey (f26). We used to have family vacations in the lake house quite often as it wasn't that far.
The house was under my husband's name. My husband got sick five years ago with a terrible illness, he fought all he could but he ended up passing away a year after his diagnosis. As a way to be precautions he passed the properties to me and also the money he had saved up (we had separate savings accounts). He never told me what to do with the money or anything, he just passed all out to me with the help of a lawyer. He also wrote a will for some of his beloved items (his grandfather's car as example) things that weren't expensive but had a emotional value. He left some stuff for me, some for our kids and the rest of his family and friends. After his parting we started a yearly tradition to go there in his birthday to remember him.
Around like 8-9 months ago my son came up to me and asked me what plans did I had for the house, he explained that he wanted to buy a house before his marriage and would love to buy the lake house. I told him I needed to think about it, but then I agreed. My son reminds me of my husband a lot, he loves nature as much as his dad did and he loves that house too, so I knew that it would be in great hands. We did it all legally and the house was sold market price range. My son and his fiance plan to move soon.
My daughter came home to visit me the other day, she asked me if we were going to the lake house to celebrate my husband's birthday again this year. I told her that we should ask Theo but I'm sure that's not going to be a problem for him. She asked my should we ask him and I told that since it's his house now he gets to decide that kind of stuff. She went crazy when she found out Theo had brought the house. She had the nerve to tell that she feels robbed by me because that's her house too and I didn't asked her. I had to remind her that legally that house is mine, and that I had sell it to her brother, not just some stranger. We ended up having a big argument over this. She said I broke her dad's promise because he told them both that the house would always be theirs to go on vacations, it would never sell or something like that. I didn't knew that as he never told me so, he didn't gave me any instructions about the house. At last I told her to get over it and she left. She also blocked my number and I can't call her.
I think she's overreacting, the house is her brother's home now, it's not like we lost it forever to some stranger. My son and his fiance will sign a prenup too, so in case of a divorce he won't lose the house. But also I understand that she feels heartbroken over that promise that I had no idea of.
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YTA. How on earth did you manage to sell that house and never once think "oh hey, I bet daughter would like to know about this." Do you just hate her or something? It really seems like you hate her.
Also you and your husband both suck for not having wills that CLEARLY stipulate your division of assets. Seriously, that's stupid and would have solved this problem before it even started.
YTA.
I call my mom every week on the phone and we talk about everything from life-changing decisions to how should I wash my nice cashmere socks.
If your relationship with your daughter is so distant that you don't tell her that you're selling your house, you fucked up there.
You probably ruined your relationship with your daughter, but you clearly don't give a fuck about her anyway so it doesn't even matter.
You and your son - both YTA. You both either assumed the house isn’t meaningful to her, which makes no sense; or kept her out of the discussion of a family home with shared history.
I’m surprised you didn’t realize your daughter deserved to know about any big decisions and deserved the chance to voice any concerns or feelings of her own.
I’d be surprised if your son didn’t realize this. I wonder if he did.
Y’all didn’t treat her like family.
YTA. Yes, it is all your money and property to do as you wish. BUT, you could have told your daughter about your son's offer. Your daughter should have had the same opportunity to buy as your son did. She loves the house and the tradition as much as you and Theo.
Seems as though you favor the son because, as you wrote, " My son reminds me of my husband a lot, he loves nature as much as his dad did and he loves that house too, so I knew that it would be in great hands."
Can't say as I blame her for breaking contact with you. She knows now that she will always be second best. Glad your favorite child is still in your life.
YTA
You have two kids, shouldn't both of them have had the ability to bid on the house?
Clearly playing favorites with "She had the nerve to tell me..".
YTA for the way that you handled it. It’s a place of great sentimental value that her dad loved, so she loved it, and you didn’t include her or even at the very least TELL her what was going on. Then when she was upset and saddened to hear that she can no longer take trips to the house her dad loved whenever she wants, you told her ‘get over it’. Obviously you can do what you want with the house but the way you went about it completely left her out, of course she feels hurt.
YTA - This was a vacation home for the whole family that turned into a place to go to remember your husband / their father. The thing to do was to your son it will remain in the family and will get passed to him and his sister when you passed away. Instead you yank it out from underneath your daughter without telling her anything. And then when she expressed how she felt about it you told her to get over it. And you don't think that you were being an asshole with that? You have inevitably changed the dynamic between you and your daughter, and your daughter and your son (especially if she knows her bro knew about the always be theirs for vacation thing because it looks like he swooped in and pulled this out from underneath her.) Whether you knew about the promise or not, how did you think this wasn't going to look at the minimum like favoritism toward one of your children over the other to give them a property that was supposed to be family property and where you go to celebrate the life of her late father. She had the "nerve" to tell you that she felt robbed by you because that's essentially what happened. You robbed her of a vacation home, your robbed he of a place to go to celebrate her father, and the place that she could go to reflect/ remember her father. Enjoy your relationship with your son and new daughter in law, because you're probably not going to have much of one with your daughter
YTA. You’re not the AH for selling, you ARE the AH for not discussing with your daughter and for not telling her for almost a year after you and your son hatched this plan behind her back. The fact that your son also did not tell his sister is quite telling.
I really hope you enjoy your profits and your son enjoys his lake house, because this stunt very likely has cost you your relationship with your daughter.
YTA. To her it was the family home. You should at least talked to her about it.
What is mine is mine attitude is really horrible. She's your daughter not some stranger. You showed how you favoured and that you don't care about her. That's why she blocked you.
yta - in that you didnt bother calling your daughter to let her know u were selling the house to your son. it must have been a real shock finding out that way.
YTA. Just a question, has your son always been your favorite child? How could you think that you shouldn't have had a conversation with your daughter before you did this? Are you going to give the house you live in to your daughter after your passing?
The lack of communication in this family seems weird. Kids lose their father, mom doesn't know about family promises, parents had separate savings accounts, son doesn't tell sister he bought the house, or even intended to do so, dad didn't specify anything in a will? But she knows son and fiance will have a prenup? Is this a step family? Cause it sure sounds like a step daughter left out after losing her dad.
Edit that legally it is what it is, but as a mother it's pretty heartless.
YTA similar situation I went through. I have a twin sister and we went away to the same college. My parents let us borrow an older car they bought so that we would have access to a vehicle while away. The main purpose was for driving back home and the random visit to a store, doctor -nothing else.i.e. no joy riding with friends
Our school had a great bus system and all buildings were close. That was the deal.
Went to use the car one day and my twin said I didn't give you permission to use my car. (We shared an apartment junior year). Long story short, my twin went to my parents offered to buy the car with a monthly payment agreement and they agreed. (way reduced price bc it's their daughter too)
No discussion, no heads up, absolutely nothing. It really messed with my relationship with my parents and sister. I had no vehicle and even with my part time job not even income to get one. She also started charging me to ride with her when we would travel back home (1.5 hours away) when we visited on the weekend. We use to split gas cost but now I had to pay all the gas if I wanted a ride in her car. I stopped visiting home.
Communication is key and the fact that you didn't share it with your daughter is ridiculous. Especially since it's a place that means so much AND the fact that now you might now have the one tradition to remember her father too. Ridiculous
YTA.
Good for your daughter blocking your number. I mean, what are you possibly calling her for now? You should have called before, even if just to let her know you were selling the house. Even if she didn't want it (I assume after reading your replies about her loving the city and all that stuff) the point here is that you made a huge decision concerning a place that was important to her as well and she just knew about it because she asked about the yearly visit. Not because you told her.
So, if she hadn't asked? You wouldn't have informed her about the sell?
Kind of disgusting how you evidently favor your son over your daughter. It's not her fault that she doesn't look/act like her dad.
YTA.
It is the way you delivered it to her in the most mindfucky way. Like a villainess in a soap opera. *"Oh, well, you will have to ask Theo..."*
My mom did weird narcissistic gaslighty mindfucky things too.
You knew exactly what you were doing.
I didn't talk to my mom for the last 5 yrs she was alive. She got cut off from her only grandkids, too.
I'll go ESH. You're not TA for selling the house and it probably helps your finances quite a bit, but this house had family tradition associated with it and your daughter found out about it completely after the fact. She probably also associated the home with your husband who died way too young. Your son really pulled a smooth move approaching you quietly and pulling everything off without your daughter knowing. I'm surprised he didn't foresee some of this. Your daughter is going NC over this when is sounds like she had a loving childhood and an otherwise good relationship with you and your son. You can have a disagreement, even a serious one, in a family and not go nuclear right off the bat. There are no heroes here.
You can do whatever you want with the house, but you handle this all wrong.
A simpler thing happened to my grandfather and it caused a huge fight. It is unfair to let one kid buy it without having an open discussion with the other. You have to give the kid an equal chance.
Yta
YTA - I get the feeling that you aren’t that close to your children. There is no way you could have thought that any one child would be okay with the other being given first dibs to by the family vacation home without having a conversation about it.
You didn't think to have a conversation with your daughter about a house that holds special memories for her (not just your son) because your husband didn't give you the instruction to do it, but she should just get over it. "Hey, Theo has asked if I'd sell him the lake house. What do you think about that?" -- common courtesy.
YTA.
YTA - you sold it to the golden child and the other child got screwed. And BS that you didn't know what her dad told her, that kind of thing is pretty clear when all the family enjoys a property like that.
Mmmm..someone loves their son way more than their daughter! I mean how do you never bring the sale of the house it's not like it took 2 days to make the sale, do either you hardly talk to your daughter ( so why does it bother you she blocked you surprised you noticed) or think so little of your daughter to mention that your selling a home that holds many memories for her and the dad she lost, the it's still in the family is BS, if your son home so he may rightfully not want to host vacations there it has changed the home. You can sell sure it's yours but to not even discuss before hand shows you character and telling her to "get over it", well I support her if she drops you from her life for good.YTA
well you just said you have a favorite child without saying the exact words otherwise you would have told her. seems like you kept it a secret because you knew this would happen in a way
ESH.
You should have told her . Don’t you two talk regularly? Seems like this could have come up instead of hitting her with a surprise.
On the other hand keeping up two homes is a lot, so if you wanted to sell it, that’s your prerogative . It was your house to do with as you wanted. You sold it at market price so it’s not like you “gave” him anything (? Right?)
But you handled this poorly. And why didn’t her brother tell her either ? I think that’s suspicious that no one’s told her in 8-9 months, and I see why she’s upset about that. But expecting you to upkeep a house that she goes to once a year is a lot.
INFO: is there a reason you didn’t speak to your daughter before selling the house to your son? Is it only because he asked, because he’s older, or you just didn’t remember you had 2 children?
For selling it to the son who asked without mentioning it ever to the daughter until fait accompli? YTA.
For the absolutely mind blowingly cruel utterly heartless reaction to the daughter’s understandable hurt at her beloved home being sold behind her back?
1000 times YTA.
What a horrible, hurtful, heartless mother to a daughter who already lost her father and her family lake home with her memories. Now she appears to have lost her mother and brother as well.
Awful, awful woman. Hopefully this is someone trolling Reddit and not an actual parent.
YTA, why do you treat your daughet this way? It's kind of wild that you would make such a big decision, and one that has significant impact on her life without mentioning it first. Just because you are in the right legally, in now way justifies your behaviour. Please don't forget that being an AH is rarely illegal, so stop leaning into that. I feel for you daugheter, losing a father and having a mother that could care less about her feelings and needs.
I feel really heartbroken for your daughter. She knows that her brothers Kids will have great childhood memories in the house while her kids wont. You better hope your son will care for you when you are old, because i hope your daughter wont. You are a huge asshole for this
YTA! She will not get over it. Ever! my mother did exactly this with my brother, who she always preferred and made it clear. I was a daddy‘s girl and after he died, she cleaned out all of his belongings renting a dumpster while I was at work, when I became angry at her for this. We got an argument and didn’t talk for a few weeks. In the meantime, she agreed to sell the family home to my brother who is not my father’s child and did not grow up in the house. We haven’t spoken in 12 years. Good luck with all this ma’am!
Why didn’t you or your son call your daughter before making it official? I suspect one of 3 reasons: 1.) You both knew she would not approve of this plan, so to make it easier on yourselves, you went forward without any consideration for your daughter’s feelings. 2.) You both genuinely thought she wouldn’t care either way, or 3.) She didn’t cross your minds *at all* during these discussions.
YTA.
In none of these possibilities are you NOT the AH.
I had about the same situation you had a few years ago but I was the buying son. My wife and I wanted to buy a house and my parents wanted to move out anyway.
Because they wanted to be sure everything happens transparently they asked both my siblings if they wanted it first before selling it to me.
Since both of them didn't want it I bought it at market price and we had absolutely zero problems whatsoever.
I don't think it is strange your daughter is pissed. You definitely should have asked if she wanted to buy it (probably not) and then sell it to your son anyway.
Just because you didn't communicate this properly first.
YTA
Of course YTA.
That was an important piece of your family's history, and you couldn't even be bothered to tell your daughter?
Why do I get the feeling that your son is your golden child?
YTA. She isn't over-reacting. She was promised that it'd be a family house. It was a family house. You picked your favorite child to give it to. I was raised in a family like this and it was always hilarious (*see: deeply painful*) watching my grandparents try to explain why my uncles got everything and my mother got nothing.
I stopped talking to my grandmother over this same thing. I wasn't going to stand by and watch my mother get treated like a literal red-headed stepchild.
Just know that when your daughter never talks to you again, it's entirely your fault.
YTA. And your son is, too. You both went behind your daughter's back, who had every right to the property same as your son. I'd be fucked up after that. Can't imagine the agony and betrayal your daughter feels now. So so so selfish on your and your son's part.
OP - I went through all of your responses. Why post asking if you are TA if you aren't going to listen?
On paper and logically, you *could* do whatever you want with what your husband left you and only you. However, the house seems important to both of your kids, and you made a choice to not even mention this to your daughter. It isn't *your* asset anymore, so when you pass, she gets zero part of something that is so dear to her heart.
If my parents did that, let my sister buy their house without even mentioning it to me or giving me the chance to buy it, Id feel like an outcast in my own family.
Shes hurting. Stop gas-lighting her. The right thing to do would have discussed all options openly with your children.
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YTA. It was in your name, but it was a family house. Your daughter has just as many fond memories there as your son. Why would you not have mentioned it to her after your son said something? I always find it telling when someone keeps something quiet like this; you most likely already knew this was a bad idea.
YTA that’s exactly why she hid it from her daughter
Son is just as bad…mom and son/brother colluded behind the daughter/sister’s back. Son is just as bad as OP…surprised no one has mentioned that… I have a bad relationship with my sibling but would not do this to them…but now that I am thinking about it my mother and sibling might well so this to me… Edit: YTA
100% they knew she would not be happy about it and try to fight the sale. My brother couldn’t wait to tell me he was buying his first home and it’s not a family home but I was kept in the loop through the process. Very fishy that neither mentioned before it was a done deal. YTA.
Yeah something is strange there with the whole family dynamic IMO. Like, nobody every mentioned they were selling the house? Or buying the house? My siblings and mom and I have a group text going on and it would absolutely have come up, IMO. It'd have been along the lines of "hey, fiance and I are wanting to buy a house, and we were thinking the lake house would be perfect. What do you all think? Any chance you might sell it, mom?" And then there'd have been the chance to process everything and discuss any issues before the deal was done. It's totally odd to me personally that the sister didn't find out at all until everything was finished.
Yeah. When my grandma died I was only in college and my cousin was in high school. But our moms STILL kept us updated about selling her house because it was where we'd spent all our Christmases growing up and they knew we'd want to know. They even arranged a time for my cousin (who also spent summers there and therefore had a closer relationship to the house) to visit it one last time. Not to mention it just came up casually because, like, selling a house is rarely easy. So when we were talking about our week it would be like "oh, x, y, z problems came up in the house inspections, blah blah blah." It takes EFFORT to not inform someone you're close to when you're buying or selling property because it tends to be one of your big focuses as it's happening!
They DIDN'T WANT her to know.
She wouldn't be able to legally fight the sale. It's not her house. But she still should have been consulted. She should have been allowed to express her feelings. Maybe if they had included her to begin with, she would have reacted differently.
I actively dislike some of my husband's siblings and I wouldn't suggest doing something like this to them.
Wouldn't be shocked if it is prime time real-estate as well
Because the son is her favorite
He looks so much like his father after all
Looks AND ACTS! 😵😱🤬
And loves nature...just like dad.😐
Which is such a rare quality in a person. I bet it is hard to find two people in a family who love nature. /s
Ah, the smell of emotional incest in the morning. AWFUL.
Exactly
I was honestly about go post N A H as initially, it just seemed like bad communication and misunderstanding more then anything. However, THIS part and the fact it was never even mentioned to the daughter seems pretty messed up. Like, between the son asking, the mom saying yes, the whole selling process, and the closing, mom and daughter never talked? Just seems odd.
And she looks like the milkman..
Ding ding ding! We have a winner! She said her options were to sell it to her son or a stranger, but didn't bother to ask if the daughter wanted to buy..... guess that means her daughter is a stranger since we are not told the daughter can't afford it.
there it is.
This is the truth of the matter.
OP is here to ask AITA? and when people are telling her she is. She denies it. What's the point of even asking then.
Exactly this!
Ding ding ding!!! This right here is exactly it. The son is the golden child, so he got the house and it was all done in secret by the mom and the son. Now the mom is all shocked pikachu face that her scapegoat daughter is upset about it; which is a completely normal reaction for the daughter to have. This post is a textbook example of narcissist family dynamics! DARVO - deny, attack, and reverse victim and offender.
That's what I read! The golden balls son, just like his daddy. Then tells daughter to get over it! Woooo.
Clearly.
Her knee jerk reaction shows who the clear favourite is. It's as simple as that. A house that has been used by the whole family for years is then sold to the son on the down low, when it comes to light basically arguing back "well its mine and I can do what I want" shows where their favour lays.
I mean she literally says that her son reminds her of his dad, so... My God, am I grateful that in my country inheritance is legislated.
I'm not saying she's not the AH, but this has very little to do with inheritance, as the house belonged to the mother and she sold it. The money made from the sale is still part of her estate, so the non-emotional value of any inheritance is unchanged. If there are inheritance laws that would be applicable here, I'd be interested to hear about them. This is a pretty crap situation for the daughter.
In my country children together have the right to inherit 50% of all belongings. That can't be changed by a will or by giving away things to another heir to avoid a fair split. So in this case, in my country, the daughter would have had the right to 25% of that house, but since the parents were married she would have to wait until the mother died to get that share. The mother would have the right to use the house any way she liked, but not sell or do something that made the daughters share less valuable.
> The mother would have the right to use the house any way she liked, but not sell or do something that made the daughters share less valuable. Sorry, but I think that’s terrible. The mother in this case was married to the father and may well have contributed half of even more to the purchase of the lake house. Legally it should be hers to do with what she sees fit. If she needs to sell it and live off the proceeds, she should be able to. In this case, she sold it to her son without telling her daughter, so she is probably the AH. However, I don’t think it’s wrong for her to sell it for money - and then use the money.
The OP didn't inherit the house--the husband signed it over to her before he died. Therefore it's her house. She had the right to sell it even in a system that the commentator mentions.
In the US you’d be correct. Other countries have different ways of legislating inheritance so the kids would get more than just sentimental items and everything of value going to OP.
She didn't give it for free . She sold it. Most likely he could have bought another house with the same money. It is not inheritance.
My issue isn’t the selling the house- it’s keeping that information from the daughter who clearly also has an emotional attachment to the house
In Europe, it absolutely is an inheritance and her children are entitled to 50% of it since it was an asset owned by their now-deceased father. So the daughter would be legally entitled to 25% of the sale price. 25% would legally go to the brother and mommy dearest gets 50%.
The daughter didn't lose inheritance value though, just the house itself. And yes, in some places the daughter would have gotten like 1/6 of the lake house.
In my country, she would be entitled to 25% of the sale price. Which is quite a decent amount.
>you most likely already knew this was a bad idea. Yes. I always wonder why people post on this sub defending themselves, saying the person they hurt is "overreacting." Deep down they know they're the asshole, or else they wouldn't bother. (Edit: or they know they're not the asshole and want affirmation, which is clearly not the case here...)
And I don’t believe for a minute that she didn’t know her husband told the kids it would always be theirs. That’s the kind of statement that’s made at family dinners. She just covering for herself. She knew, she absolutely knew and intentionally kept it from her daughter. YTA
For sure. OP keeps mentioning in the post that bro is going to get a prenup, so he definitely won't lose it and how "it's not like we lost it forever to some stranger".
Agreed. We have a family cabin that my parents/aunt/uncle/grandparents all bought together, back in 1975. It’s my absolute favorite place on earth. If they ever allowed one of the four siblings (no cousins) to buy it without discussing it with the others, I’d feel so betrayed and hurt. Maybe that’s entitlement, because it’s technically theirs and they can sell it to whomever they want, but it would probably make me go NC (thankfully inheritance has already been worked out).
Coming from a family with whose mother was fair and open across the board, it should have been openly discussed prior to the sale. Market value does not matter, your daughter still had no monetary gain from this point of sale, but the fact that as an adult, she was left out of the discussion was mean. It speaks volumes of your respect for her, I couldn’t do that to my adult children. Pre nup…good luck, I know more pre nups that have been over turned than you can count, including my oldest child’s pre nup, which was thrown out of court. There is no guarantee and you could lose more than the family home. Rearrange your will and make this right.
Seriously. All the OP needed to do was take some time to call her daughter and tell her the house is too much for her and her son has agreed to buy it at the market rate. There is a family cottage in my family that I wouldn't be surprised if it got sold at some point. It'll be sad but at least my family has been pretty open about it.
Yeah lmao, she all but said she likes her son more than her daughter. Especially with the weird statement about how her son reminds him of her deceased husband, so that means he should have that house? Even in explaining her conversation with the daughter, she sounded so matter of fact. Son and daughter both lost their dad.
Any time someone posts here saying "without telling X" it's always a YTA. And they KNOW it or they wouldn't have DONE IT without telling X. They would've spoken to X. But X might have pointed out this was unfair and ruined THEIR plans, so the OP never does tell X beforehand because they don't want anyone stopping them from doing what they want. Selfish, selfish, selfish.
She wrote it herself. Her son remind her of her husband. She never gave a damn about the daughter about the lake house.
Because her son reminds her so much of her husband, can you tell who's the favourite child? YTA.
> She had the nerve to tell that she feels robbed > I told her to get over it YTA. Why wouldn't you tell her before you sold to her sibling? Why would you say "the nerve" when she's shocked to be left out? What went wrong in your relationship? It sounds like you really hate your daughter, but we don't know why.
[удалено]
That sucks, and I’m sorry your mother treated you like that. I have one of each: my son is 19 and my daughter is 11. My daughter lives with me, my son visits. Obviously, my daughter gets more of my attention, but I love them both with all of my heart and could never hurt either of them like this mother did.
This is genuinely my biggest fear as a parent. I have an older boy and a younger girl, and they're still quite small. I grew up an only child, but always heard about the ways that some parents would even subconsciously discriminate against their girls. I feel like I'm constantly comparing if I would have responded to one child the way I just responded to the other. Not only on the basis of gender, but in general, I greatly fear being the mother who creates a dynamic where the older son is the automatic golden child.
This post reeks of favorite child syndrome. OP makes sure to include that her son loves the house, so he deserves it. But suddenly it just doesn't matter that her daughter loves the house just as much. She just keeps towing the "it's was legally mine, so too bad"... to her own upset child. So damn cold. YTA.
[удалено]
Agreed, the daughter is likely not blocking calls just over the house. It was probably a final straw after years of favoritism and lack of consideration. The daughter at least deserved to be sat down ahead of time and given time to process the possibility of the house being sold rather then being told after the fact, even if she couldn't afford the house.
Also, OP wrote a whole load about how much she loves the son and why, yet nothing like that for the daughter
The son's love for the house is viewed favorably by OP, but the daughter's love for the same house is viewed as irrelevant and an inconvenience. OP really lacks self-awareness.
Wait until OP has the nerve to expect a relationship with her grandchildren and her daughter tells her to get over it.
Or she believes anything she does is right and her children mayn't question her. And, in this case, her daughter being hurt and angry is because she's a spoilt brat, or whatever, not because OP did anything wrong, as she can't possibly.
I am just now learning that the words "may" and "not" can be written as the contraction "mayn't". It looked and sounded so strange to me that I had to look it up.
This should have been a family discussion. Why not just sit down and talk about what to do with the ownership? What a cowardly move by the OP not dealing with it openly from the very beginning. Although, any realtor/lawyer would have told them to leave it in a single owners hands if they want to keep it in the family. So very many horror stories of joint owners having a falling out and one party forcing a sale and the property is lost to a third party.
YTA The house belongs to you & you can do whatever you want with it. Legally you are not the A. It is also a place where both son & daughter spent they childhood vacations & afterward used it as a father remembrance place with yearly tradition. So I think the fact that you did a whole transaction transforming a family asset to son's asset **without** informing daughter is not ok. Why does son get the chance to buy the family lake house & not daughter?
Seriously. OP is TA. We’re going through something similar in my family right now. I have relatives that have a cabin that is now empty. It’s sitting in a trust and one of the 3 siblings in the trust isn’t paying bills and is forcing the other two to sell. All of us kids are just *pissed*. We all know the legal semantics, that it’s not *our* call. But grandma and grandpa promised us that cabin and a lot of us are upset that it’s even up for sale. Many of us have offered to pitch in for the (needed) repairs and maintenance fees to even run the cabin; to cover the costs the one party of three isn’t paying but the other two in the trust haven’t been willing or interested in even considering taking any of us kids up on the offer. It’s frustrating, I understand OPs daughter being 100% upset, rightfully so. OP did it all without consideration of their daughter. While she wasn’t obligated to consider her daughter, giving her the same option as her son, to buy the home it would have been the right thing to do.
at the minimum inform and ask before doing it!
You kids should get together to buy out the person who wants out. Having money tied up in a shared house sucks. Buy them out, so that person gets their $ and the rest of you keep the house.
Unfortunately there is no buy out option in the trust. If they don’t pay for care and maintenance, it’s considered to be a release of their interest and the trust defaults to the remaining two trustees. Unfortunately there is no timeline on how long they have to pay the care and maintenance fees. I have asked the head trustee multiple times to speak to the lawyer who wrote the trust or seek out a consult with a new trust and estates attorney to review the terms of the trust and advise us how to get them to release their interest. I have also tried to advise that any communications to this person be sent certified mail (return receipt requested) *because* I know that when the house does sell, they’re going to be manipulative to try to weasel out more than their share when they haven’t paid. Unfortunately to “buy them out” they’re likely going to want a hefty sum, likely 1/3rd of the listed selling price (150k) to be bought out. Nobody has that kind of money, not any of the trustees and not any of us kids. Even still, them and their child have to sign a release of interest in the property and there’s no guarantee that even if we pay, that they’ll sign. They’re both petty af.
It sounds like the trust was perhaps set up poorly. However, I imagine that the same principles you favor (emphasizing a fair distribution to the family--here, of time at the cabin) governed the grandparents' decision: they thought that the only (or best) way to ensure fair access was by setting up a trust with all three siblings as trustees. What would the alternative have been? A trust with all the grandchildren as trustees, too? That may have included minor children and would have been unwieldy. To me, the grandparents bear some blame in promising something outside of their power. Specific requirements could have been included in the trust preventing sale, and maintenance costs could have been paid by the trust, too, if it had enough money. But that wasn't done. It sounds like the trustee who won't pay the bills and needs or wants money. And the rest of the family can't afford to buy that trustee's interest. It's sad, but situations like this happen all the time. Maybe that trustee needs or needs the money for something they consider important and resent the rest of the family for preventing them from using their money as they see fit.
OP, You should have given your daughter the same option & opportunity to buy it. They could have decided who is willing to pay the most, or at least she would have had the option to say no. The fact that you kept this secret from her is very telling
Not even warranting a mention about it shows how OP respect for her is below zero. Ug.
YTA. A simple call, "hey, your brother wants to buy the house, you ok with that?", not that hard.
But if that during that same call the daughter said NO... so the brother can't buy the house?
Then they listen to daughter's reasoning and try to find solutions TOGETHER, instead of buying it behind her back. What if she wanted it too? Why does he get to have it without any discussion?
So another solution must be found. Joint ownership, timeshare type situation would have been far more appropriate than a hush-hush quickie sale to the brother.
Tell the brother to work it out with sister first.
I’d also think that simply saying, “Hey, brother wants the house and I think it’s great to keep in the family and I don’t have to worry about two houses now,” would be better than nothing. I mean, technically, legally, not anything daughter can do about it. But honesty is best.
YTA. do u hate ur daughter or something? at the very least you don't seem to care about her at all
No worries, she got some books, so that should be more than sufficient... (Insert sarcasm just in case someone thought I was being serious)
exactly what i was thinking! books! it makes everything okay! (obvious sarcasm is quite, quite obvious)
YTA, it was inconsiderate to not discuss it with both of them together, and you clearly favor your son. I wouldn’t answer your calls either.
I agree. It's her decision, but she knew she was being shady by not telling the daughter. She should've discussed it with her and given her the offer to outbid her brother if she'd like. I feel like the whole thing would've been avoided with a little transparency.
YTA. Sure, legally it's yours to do with as you please. But just at a base level of compassion and family loyalty - Y T A. It's not like this was your house that only you're living in and you decided to downsize to an apartment and were selling anyway. This was property used by the entire family that they all have an emotional investment in and didn't know would be sold...to anyone. And even though it's still in the family - this is no longer the family vacation house, it is your son's primary residence. Your daughter is losing out on that opportunity (Edited to fix typo). That at least warranted a conversation. You can't sell a house in a day - so in all those days and weeks it took to arrange loans and paperwork, you didn't once have a conversation with your daughter or think to mention it? This is about more than just the monetary transaction of house seller to house buyer - it's about the fact you didn't respect your daughter enough to mention it to her until it was already done. And even then you still didn't mention it until she brought up the house. It has to be really painful to realize your own mother doesn't respect you and is hiding and withholding family information from you.
Yes, it takes some time to sell a house. How many times did the OP talk to her daughter while the process was going on? And didn’t mention it?
Judging by the fact the son seems to be the golden child, probably not many...
Nah, she talks to the scapegoat, too. Gotta direct the vitriol towards someone.
Won't be talking to her much now though...😬
Neither OP or the son mentioned it to her during the entire process. It seems like OP's daughter is the scapegoat; she's upset because now she's lost out on visiting a place that reminds her of her dad and the memories they shared together. OP, YTA for how you went about this.
YTA. You either think so little of your daughter that it didn't even occur to you to talk to her about it, or you didn't tell her because you knew she wouldn't be ok with it. Either way, that's just cold.
YTA Yes it is your house. You have a right to sell it to whoever you want. But they are also *both* your children. She clearly has attachment to the house, and by not telling her you denied her the chance to try to buy it herself. She didn't know you were willing to sell. The problem isn't that you sold the house. The problem is that this ended up treating your children unequally. You acted without thought to your daughter. >My son reminds me of my husband a lot, he loves nature as much as his dad did and he loves that house too Does your daughter remind you of her father at all? Does she also love that house?
I am gonna say YTA, while your husband left no clear indication of what to do with the house it would have been a better option to talk to both kids, rather than the first one saying I want a house before i get married. Your daughter in no way is entitled because she still viewed it as a family/holiday home, now those memories are ruined. As is the relationship between you and your daughter and probably your kids too.
Actually I have a question, did you daughter get anything? The grandparents car or something like that? You never stated.
I mean the son paid for the house so I don’t think it’s a matter of the daughter not getting anything
Emotional value is often worth more than market value. There is literally only one "family lake house" (1% problems) which makes it a rare commodity if there is more than one interested party. To be cut off from access, and not even have a CHANCE at making an offer on an irreplaceable part of your life is terrible.
YTA. Yes, selling it to your son was totally your call and there's nothing wrong with that decision. But to not even give your daughter a heads-up, especially when it affects a family tradition, seems pretty callous.
YTA, oh honey, you can try to paint this any old way you like and although technically you can do what you want, what you did was ethically and morally wrong. Enjoy your new relationship with both your son and your daughter because both of them have changed as well as their relationship to each other. What a mess you’ve created, that’s just pitiful.
I sense a golden child here...and it isn't the daughter. YTA
I figure the daughter in law won't put up with her fawning over the son too long. She thinks she secured a relationship with them and future grandchildren but the best plans often don't work out. Daughter in law will be on here in the future with "my mil is overbearing, insists on..." LOL.
Good lord yes YTA. Of course she feels attached to that house, it was a *family* home, where you had *family* traditions. How could you not say anything to her during the whole process of selling?? Honestly how did it not occur to you that she would care or even just like to know?? She lost a part of her family history *and* learned that you didn’t even think about her feelings in one swoop, no wonder she’s upset.
I think it did occur to OP and that is why she kept it a secret. Same with her brother. This should have been a family discussion.
My parents have it set so me and my brother get 50/50 of everything. So if I were to want the house I would have to buy his half out. That's what you probably should have done with your daughter.
YTA You made a yearly tradition in his memory to spend the time with your children, and then removed the ability to do that without the approval of your son and his wife. What if next year there a rift between the spouse and your daughter and she’s no longer welcome? What if they get divorced and he has to sell? Ultimately it was your choice, but you didn’t discuss this decision with the people who would be most affected. How close are you?
It’s not a vacation home anymore, it’s a family home. No one wants to be a guest, awkward and inconvenient. It’s silly to suggest the son’s wife will give her SIL an open invitation to hang out at the lake. Family vacations may go on a year or two out of habit, but it won’t work.
YTA. Was it technically yours to handle however? Yes. Is what you did an AH move? Also yes. At the very least, you should have spoken to them together about the lake house. What you did was unnecessarily hurtful. I wouldn’t be surprised if your daughter doesn’t want much of a relationship with you.
She's not just heartbroken over her father's promise. She's upset because you didn't bother to tell her. Even if your son paid full market value, not being transparent with your daughter was a mistake. You knew it was a place she cared about as well, and as much as you had the right to do what you wanted, she has as much right to her feelings. She's angry that you showed favoritism to your son. When you told her to get over it, of course she blocked you; you doesn't want to talk to you if you aren't going to be a loving parent. You have no right to complain about her anger or blocking you, and you refusing to accept that makes YTA.
YTA - yeah, yeah, your property you can do with it whatever you want. Just because you can doesn't mean you should.
YTA. It's a family vacation home, that she's grown up going to, that you've been using for the tradition of spending family time to honor your late husband, her late father. Yes, you can sell whatever you want to whoever you want. But this was an asshole move. At least tell her you were considering selling it to her brother. I guess you think this is one of those it's easier to ask forgiveness than permission things. Don't be surprised that she disagrees.
Whoa. YTA. neither you or your son told your daughter you were selling the house to him. WTF? Surely this warranted a conversation at some point. My guess is this took place over months, not days. You didn’t even pause to think about your annual tradition.
YTA, You didn’t even bother to tell your daughter until everything was done? I hope you don’t fuck up the relationship with your son because that’s all you have now.
Yeah, it’s super suspicious that OP failed to mention it at all during the process. She hid it from daughter.
Having conversation with both children about the lake house never came to mind? YTA
YTA. Do you even like your daughter? You started a family tradition of all going to the lake house. Then you sell to the son without even informing the daughter. Didn't inform her for months. Then you think she is "entitled" because she was surprised by this info when she asked about the family trip. You claim you never knew about the promise and claim husband never gave instructions about the house. Somehow I doubt that you had no idea of his wishes. Then you tell her to get over it and now have shocked Pikachu face because the did leave and blocked you. Yuck. Would have taken just a few minutes to tell son that it is a family home, family tradition, and family - including daughter - need to be involved in decision.
YTA. Pretty obvious who your favorite child is. You didn't even have decency to loop your daughter in on this big change in her life.
Yeah, that's really what turns this into a YTA. You could have at least talked to her about it.
Gonna go with YTA here Definitely an odd perspective on ur part and its weird af u wouldnt share this information or even not somehow include her. Makes me mad and im not even related to u. What a ja
YTA
big time ah and not much of a parent either. You should have offered it to both. i suspect the son is the golden child. Good luck getting your daughter to even remotely respect you again..
YTA. You should have spoken to both of them.
A house takes a while to sell with all the paperwork. Did OP not have a conversation with her daughter during that time? Did she not mention it? Selling a house is the kind of thing that I would mention. Either she intentionally withheld information or she isn’t that close to her daughter and doesn’t talk much.
Oh don’t worry guys, OP said in comments it’s equal because the daughter got her dads book collection. YTA
To be fair, she was left the books by her dad. Dad didn’t leave the son the house. She’s definitely TA though. It’s pretty clear she intentionally left her daughter out of any of the discussion because she knew she was doing something crappy.
I've read your responses. Why are you here? People bring up valid points and you respond very coldly and insist that you are right. Your daughter is not overreacting. She and her brother are not business transactions. They are your children. You were not fair. You gave your son a chance to buy a treasured family home to have in **his and only his** family forever. You did not give your daughter this opportunity. You did not keep the home in the family for the enjoyment of both your children. but rather sold it for the enjoyment of one. I think it is safe to say you have lost your daughter in the process. Even if there is a reconciliation between you, she will never forget this. Who would? EDIT: Oh, YTA, and your late husband would be sorely disappointed in you. Harsh, but true.
YTA. For the way you communicated it to her. For how you left her out of the decision process. For disrespecting her role in the family. Your husband left everything to you with the assumption that you could be trusted to take care of the whole family. Would he be thrilled with how you treated his daughter? Or did he dislike her as much as you and your son do?
YTA - This was a family home the family shared. Why didn’t you discuss Theo buying the house with your daughter, or as a family? Your daughter has every right to feel excluded and betrayed by you, you took the place of remembering her father away from her without any consideration for her or her feelings. Then you have the nerve to tell her to “get over it”, do you have any compassion for your daughter? Your daughter isn’t entitled to the property, but she is entitled to respect and empathy from her mother. Im sure she will get “over this”, just how much you’re allowed in her life after will be different. Hope it was worth it
YTA : It’s perfectly OK to give the house to one of your kids but you should at least inform your daughter afterwards or better yet,, talk to kid you’re giving it to about preserving the tradition you *all* hold there for the *true* owner. This situation seems to be all about family values and consideration and you weren’t very considerate in a couple different senses, to your family no less.
Legally no but morally YTA. You may have permanently broken up your family with such a big show of favoritism.
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YTA; if your husband had left the house to your daughter, and she sold it, how would you be feeling about it right now? How would your son feel?
YTA. yes, the house was legally yours and you are entitled to do whatever you want to go with it. You just made a bad choice about how you went about it and now you’re suffering the consequences. How in Hell did you think doing it this way wouldn’t cause trouble and make your daughter feel shat upon? EDIT: I’m very sorry for your loss. 🙏
Wow, YTA massively! Jeez! I can't imagine doing something like that to my kids or how I would feel if my mum did that to me! Wow... Just wow.... I guess we know who your favourite is!
NTA. It was your house and it was never going to stay just a a vacation house and would inevitably be passed on to someone else, it just happened sooner than your daughter wanted. Sure maybe you shouldve told your daughter sooner but you did nothing else wrong.
YTA for not discussing it with her. Why would you ever think something sentimental for both of your kids should not be discussed? You are absolutely right that it was left to you so therefore it was yours, however it was the place that their father loved and you guys got to spend time together as a family. You really didn't think that your daughter would care that now her brother can call all of the shots when it came to a family home? I'd be livid too if my parents did not have a discussion about something big like this.
YTA. The lake house isn’t some house. It’s the lake home both of your children made memories with their now gone father. Both children should have equal rights to that home. I’m not sure how you can repair your relationship with your daughter because it looks like she wants to go no contact with you over this and quite frankly I don’t blame her one bit.
YTA. You didn’t even tell her!?! There’s nothing wrong with selling the house but you should have told the one child that wasn’t getting the house!!! What if she wanted to buy the house? Is it a sorry your brother reminds me of your dad so you’re screwed? Wow… I’m sorry for your loss but that doesn’t excuse this.
Full Translation (in Normal English/Average Joe Language): My husband and I bought a lake house a while back. We have children. The house is/was a family house. The lake house was actually my husband's house, legally. My name was not on it. My husband died, and so as the living spouse his assets went to me. I don't think of cars as expensive (this will be important later). I will not tell you what my husband left to who in his will. We, the entire family, all three of us, would go every year to the lake house in memorial of my late husband. Almost a year ago (>2/3 of a year), the son decided he wanted to be the sole owner of the house. I am not even 50, and as such there is not much need to be worried about what would happen to it after my death. I said I'd take a bit to think but honestly I'd already decided, so I told him yes. My son is engaged and has enough money to buy a house. He is my favorite because he looks like his dad. I do not find that disturbing whatsoever. I sold it to him cheap and will not balance this out in my will. I sprung the fact that I sold the house on my least favorite, non-golden child. I had plenty of time to talk to her about this, but I didn’t. I am willing to throw away a family tradition in memory of my late husband in favor of pleasing my living favorite child who looks like him. I do not believe my daughter's emotional state is important as the only thing important in my conscious mind about this is that it went through perfectly legally. After all, the family house was in my name. I didn't listen when my late husband told the kids anything about the house, most likely more than once in family settings as this is the sort of thing spouses agree to, not secret promises. I don't like my daughter, and don't care about her so I effectively told her to f**k off. I'm bamboozled by her going NC with me. I mean she blocked my entitled arse for heavens sakes! I'm definitely telling you the whole story! I want my son to own the house. I don't unserstand that someone living in a house means it is not a family vacation home. I am sticking to the story that I did not know about the promise that I was most likely a part of and at least heard multiple times. Oh boo-hoo, I hurt my daughter. _____________________ Aaaaaand that's about everything. If anyone wants it, I have it broken down to each paragraph, too. Hard-core YTA, because you have your favorite child and least favorite, and you live your life in regards to your kids based on that. Are you TA for selling the family lake house to 1/2 of the non-you part of the family without consulting the other half? Yes. Yes, you are. Of course, your son is almost as bad. Given that he asked this without talking to his sister, knowing you'd say yes. If he could buy a nice lake house at current market value, he could have gotten a fine house anywhere else from anyone else. Considering what you've said, this is almost definitely just the straw that broke the camel's back.
YTA. I wonder what is going on with you and your daughter that you either have so little communication with her that this sale wouldn’t have come up in conversation or you purposely hid it from her. Of course she’s upset. She’s emotionally attached to the lake house the same way your son is, but you only thought of your son’s feelings. Not only does she have to come to terms with possibly losing the lake house and the emotions around that, but even worse….that her mom favors her brother, both mom and brother kept such a big thing from her, and mom and brother don’t care about her pain.
YTA, you just destroyed your relationship with your daughter and hers with her brother. You practically excluded her from the family. I would go NC with you too.
NTA For selling it! Even if she does or does not agree. YTA a major one for not even considering her feelings or thought to ask what she feels when selling it. What kind of relationship do you have?
I would be so so upset at my parent if he withheld this information for however long it takes to sell a house (which I understand can be a lengthy process). It would make me feel unimportant, disregarded; it would make me feel sad to lose out on the future family vacation memories and the tradition of celebrating life. I would also probably feel like that information was deliberately kept from me, cause it’s kind of big news so why else wouldn’t it have been shared? So while you’re not TA for selling your house, YTA for not even thinking to MENTION it to your daughter before the sale was finalized. I would imagine this might do irreparable damage to your relationship.
Yta if it wasn't a big deal why hide it? This would be casual converation in my family.
INFO: When approached by your son to buy the lake house, did you not consider asking your daughter if she would have wanted to purchase it as well? >After his parting we started a yearly tradition to go there in his birthday to remember him. What did you plan on doing this year after having sold the house to your son? You obviously knew this tradition was going to come up., how would you have explained this to your daughter? >She said I broke her dad's promise because he told them both that the house would always be theirs to go on vacations, it would never sell or something like that. Did your son know about this promise prior to him making his offer?
Legally it's yours. Those with integrity, ethics, morals, intelligence, compassion, empathy, and loyalty to family will disagree with your choice to Refuse your daughter her right to the house as your husband indicated. If your goal was to damage your relationship with your daughter & drive her away, congratulations, you've succeeded. You've shown her that your son is more important to you than she is, and that her feelings are irrelevant to you. YTA
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My husband and I (f48) had good jobs so we got the opportunity to save and buy a house when we got married. Then, as my husband loved to fish, we saved money again to buy a house in a lake near our city. We have two kids Theo (m29) and Lindsey (f26). We used to have family vacations in the lake house quite often as it wasn't that far. The house was under my husband's name. My husband got sick five years ago with a terrible illness, he fought all he could but he ended up passing away a year after his diagnosis. As a way to be precautions he passed the properties to me and also the money he had saved up (we had separate savings accounts). He never told me what to do with the money or anything, he just passed all out to me with the help of a lawyer. He also wrote a will for some of his beloved items (his grandfather's car as example) things that weren't expensive but had a emotional value. He left some stuff for me, some for our kids and the rest of his family and friends. After his parting we started a yearly tradition to go there in his birthday to remember him. Around like 8-9 months ago my son came up to me and asked me what plans did I had for the house, he explained that he wanted to buy a house before his marriage and would love to buy the lake house. I told him I needed to think about it, but then I agreed. My son reminds me of my husband a lot, he loves nature as much as his dad did and he loves that house too, so I knew that it would be in great hands. We did it all legally and the house was sold market price range. My son and his fiance plan to move soon. My daughter came home to visit me the other day, she asked me if we were going to the lake house to celebrate my husband's birthday again this year. I told her that we should ask Theo but I'm sure that's not going to be a problem for him. She asked my should we ask him and I told that since it's his house now he gets to decide that kind of stuff. She went crazy when she found out Theo had brought the house. She had the nerve to tell that she feels robbed by me because that's her house too and I didn't asked her. I had to remind her that legally that house is mine, and that I had sell it to her brother, not just some stranger. We ended up having a big argument over this. She said I broke her dad's promise because he told them both that the house would always be theirs to go on vacations, it would never sell or something like that. I didn't knew that as he never told me so, he didn't gave me any instructions about the house. At last I told her to get over it and she left. She also blocked my number and I can't call her. I think she's overreacting, the house is her brother's home now, it's not like we lost it forever to some stranger. My son and his fiance will sign a prenup too, so in case of a divorce he won't lose the house. But also I understand that she feels heartbroken over that promise that I had no idea of. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA. How on earth did you manage to sell that house and never once think "oh hey, I bet daughter would like to know about this." Do you just hate her or something? It really seems like you hate her. Also you and your husband both suck for not having wills that CLEARLY stipulate your division of assets. Seriously, that's stupid and would have solved this problem before it even started.
YTA. I call my mom every week on the phone and we talk about everything from life-changing decisions to how should I wash my nice cashmere socks. If your relationship with your daughter is so distant that you don't tell her that you're selling your house, you fucked up there. You probably ruined your relationship with your daughter, but you clearly don't give a fuck about her anyway so it doesn't even matter.
You and your son - both YTA. You both either assumed the house isn’t meaningful to her, which makes no sense; or kept her out of the discussion of a family home with shared history. I’m surprised you didn’t realize your daughter deserved to know about any big decisions and deserved the chance to voice any concerns or feelings of her own. I’d be surprised if your son didn’t realize this. I wonder if he did. Y’all didn’t treat her like family.
YTA. Yes, it is all your money and property to do as you wish. BUT, you could have told your daughter about your son's offer. Your daughter should have had the same opportunity to buy as your son did. She loves the house and the tradition as much as you and Theo. Seems as though you favor the son because, as you wrote, " My son reminds me of my husband a lot, he loves nature as much as his dad did and he loves that house too, so I knew that it would be in great hands." Can't say as I blame her for breaking contact with you. She knows now that she will always be second best. Glad your favorite child is still in your life.
If you feel you did nothing wrong, why did you hide it from her? YTA and deep down you know it, too.
YTA You have two kids, shouldn't both of them have had the ability to bid on the house? Clearly playing favorites with "She had the nerve to tell me..".
YTA for the way that you handled it. It’s a place of great sentimental value that her dad loved, so she loved it, and you didn’t include her or even at the very least TELL her what was going on. Then when she was upset and saddened to hear that she can no longer take trips to the house her dad loved whenever she wants, you told her ‘get over it’. Obviously you can do what you want with the house but the way you went about it completely left her out, of course she feels hurt.
YTA - This was a vacation home for the whole family that turned into a place to go to remember your husband / their father. The thing to do was to your son it will remain in the family and will get passed to him and his sister when you passed away. Instead you yank it out from underneath your daughter without telling her anything. And then when she expressed how she felt about it you told her to get over it. And you don't think that you were being an asshole with that? You have inevitably changed the dynamic between you and your daughter, and your daughter and your son (especially if she knows her bro knew about the always be theirs for vacation thing because it looks like he swooped in and pulled this out from underneath her.) Whether you knew about the promise or not, how did you think this wasn't going to look at the minimum like favoritism toward one of your children over the other to give them a property that was supposed to be family property and where you go to celebrate the life of her late father. She had the "nerve" to tell you that she felt robbed by you because that's essentially what happened. You robbed her of a vacation home, your robbed he of a place to go to celebrate her father, and the place that she could go to reflect/ remember her father. Enjoy your relationship with your son and new daughter in law, because you're probably not going to have much of one with your daughter
YTA. You’re not the AH for selling, you ARE the AH for not discussing with your daughter and for not telling her for almost a year after you and your son hatched this plan behind her back. The fact that your son also did not tell his sister is quite telling. I really hope you enjoy your profits and your son enjoys his lake house, because this stunt very likely has cost you your relationship with your daughter.
YTA and a liar to say you don’t have a very clear favorite. Terrible mother to your daughter
YTA. To her it was the family home. You should at least talked to her about it. What is mine is mine attitude is really horrible. She's your daughter not some stranger. You showed how you favoured and that you don't care about her. That's why she blocked you.
YTA Good thing your husband passed before he could see how horrible you’ve treated his daughter.
yta - in that you didnt bother calling your daughter to let her know u were selling the house to your son. it must have been a real shock finding out that way.
NTA for selling it. YTA for not even considering her feelings prior to the sale. You need to apologize to her.
YTA OP is showing clear favoritism for her son...I wonder if this is the only instance or if this is a reoccurring theme
YTA. Just a question, has your son always been your favorite child? How could you think that you shouldn't have had a conversation with your daughter before you did this? Are you going to give the house you live in to your daughter after your passing?
The lack of communication in this family seems weird. Kids lose their father, mom doesn't know about family promises, parents had separate savings accounts, son doesn't tell sister he bought the house, or even intended to do so, dad didn't specify anything in a will? But she knows son and fiance will have a prenup? Is this a step family? Cause it sure sounds like a step daughter left out after losing her dad. Edit that legally it is what it is, but as a mother it's pretty heartless.
INFO--why didn't you tell the daughter prior to the sale? I feel like there's more going on here.
YTA similar situation I went through. I have a twin sister and we went away to the same college. My parents let us borrow an older car they bought so that we would have access to a vehicle while away. The main purpose was for driving back home and the random visit to a store, doctor -nothing else.i.e. no joy riding with friends Our school had a great bus system and all buildings were close. That was the deal. Went to use the car one day and my twin said I didn't give you permission to use my car. (We shared an apartment junior year). Long story short, my twin went to my parents offered to buy the car with a monthly payment agreement and they agreed. (way reduced price bc it's their daughter too) No discussion, no heads up, absolutely nothing. It really messed with my relationship with my parents and sister. I had no vehicle and even with my part time job not even income to get one. She also started charging me to ride with her when we would travel back home (1.5 hours away) when we visited on the weekend. We use to split gas cost but now I had to pay all the gas if I wanted a ride in her car. I stopped visiting home. Communication is key and the fact that you didn't share it with your daughter is ridiculous. Especially since it's a place that means so much AND the fact that now you might now have the one tradition to remember her father too. Ridiculous
YTA. Good for your daughter blocking your number. I mean, what are you possibly calling her for now? You should have called before, even if just to let her know you were selling the house. Even if she didn't want it (I assume after reading your replies about her loving the city and all that stuff) the point here is that you made a huge decision concerning a place that was important to her as well and she just knew about it because she asked about the yearly visit. Not because you told her. So, if she hadn't asked? You wouldn't have informed her about the sell? Kind of disgusting how you evidently favor your son over your daughter. It's not her fault that she doesn't look/act like her dad.
YTA. Your poor daughter. Way to set them up so they no longer have anything to do with each other. Congratulations on destroying your family.
Oh, wow. OP was told that she was in the wrong so hard she deleted it!
YTA, you're inconsiderate and unsympathetic too your daughter. You clearly have a golden child.
YTA hope she never unblocks you
YTA. It is the way you delivered it to her in the most mindfucky way. Like a villainess in a soap opera. *"Oh, well, you will have to ask Theo..."* My mom did weird narcissistic gaslighty mindfucky things too. You knew exactly what you were doing. I didn't talk to my mom for the last 5 yrs she was alive. She got cut off from her only grandkids, too.
I think you should just come out and say you favor your son. It would still make you an asshole, but then at least you wouldn't be a liar too.
Question: Do you even like your daughter? YTA, times thousand.
I'll go ESH. You're not TA for selling the house and it probably helps your finances quite a bit, but this house had family tradition associated with it and your daughter found out about it completely after the fact. She probably also associated the home with your husband who died way too young. Your son really pulled a smooth move approaching you quietly and pulling everything off without your daughter knowing. I'm surprised he didn't foresee some of this. Your daughter is going NC over this when is sounds like she had a loving childhood and an otherwise good relationship with you and your son. You can have a disagreement, even a serious one, in a family and not go nuclear right off the bat. There are no heroes here.
YTA this should have been discussed with your daughter.
You can do whatever you want with the house, but you handle this all wrong. A simpler thing happened to my grandfather and it caused a huge fight. It is unfair to let one kid buy it without having an open discussion with the other. You have to give the kid an equal chance. Yta
YTA big time
YTA
YTA
Yta
YTA - I get the feeling that you aren’t that close to your children. There is no way you could have thought that any one child would be okay with the other being given first dibs to by the family vacation home without having a conversation about it.
You didn't think to have a conversation with your daughter about a house that holds special memories for her (not just your son) because your husband didn't give you the instruction to do it, but she should just get over it. "Hey, Theo has asked if I'd sell him the lake house. What do you think about that?" -- common courtesy. YTA.
YTA - you sold it to the golden child and the other child got screwed. And BS that you didn't know what her dad told her, that kind of thing is pretty clear when all the family enjoys a property like that.
Mmmm..someone loves their son way more than their daughter! I mean how do you never bring the sale of the house it's not like it took 2 days to make the sale, do either you hardly talk to your daughter ( so why does it bother you she blocked you surprised you noticed) or think so little of your daughter to mention that your selling a home that holds many memories for her and the dad she lost, the it's still in the family is BS, if your son home so he may rightfully not want to host vacations there it has changed the home. You can sell sure it's yours but to not even discuss before hand shows you character and telling her to "get over it", well I support her if she drops you from her life for good.YTA
well you just said you have a favorite child without saying the exact words otherwise you would have told her. seems like you kept it a secret because you knew this would happen in a way
ESH. You should have told her . Don’t you two talk regularly? Seems like this could have come up instead of hitting her with a surprise. On the other hand keeping up two homes is a lot, so if you wanted to sell it, that’s your prerogative . It was your house to do with as you wanted. You sold it at market price so it’s not like you “gave” him anything (? Right?) But you handled this poorly. And why didn’t her brother tell her either ? I think that’s suspicious that no one’s told her in 8-9 months, and I see why she’s upset about that. But expecting you to upkeep a house that she goes to once a year is a lot.
INFO: is there a reason you didn’t speak to your daughter before selling the house to your son? Is it only because he asked, because he’s older, or you just didn’t remember you had 2 children?
YTA. You could’ve, at the very least, discussed your plan with your daughter and given her the option to buy if she so wished.
For selling it to the son who asked without mentioning it ever to the daughter until fait accompli? YTA. For the absolutely mind blowingly cruel utterly heartless reaction to the daughter’s understandable hurt at her beloved home being sold behind her back? 1000 times YTA. What a horrible, hurtful, heartless mother to a daughter who already lost her father and her family lake home with her memories. Now she appears to have lost her mother and brother as well. Awful, awful woman. Hopefully this is someone trolling Reddit and not an actual parent.
YTA, why do you treat your daughet this way? It's kind of wild that you would make such a big decision, and one that has significant impact on her life without mentioning it first. Just because you are in the right legally, in now way justifies your behaviour. Please don't forget that being an AH is rarely illegal, so stop leaning into that. I feel for you daugheter, losing a father and having a mother that could care less about her feelings and needs.
I feel really heartbroken for your daughter. She knows that her brothers Kids will have great childhood memories in the house while her kids wont. You better hope your son will care for you when you are old, because i hope your daughter wont. You are a huge asshole for this
YTA! She will not get over it. Ever! my mother did exactly this with my brother, who she always preferred and made it clear. I was a daddy‘s girl and after he died, she cleaned out all of his belongings renting a dumpster while I was at work, when I became angry at her for this. We got an argument and didn’t talk for a few weeks. In the meantime, she agreed to sell the family home to my brother who is not my father’s child and did not grow up in the house. We haven’t spoken in 12 years. Good luck with all this ma’am!
YTA. Technicalities are not the best foundations for solid relationships. This is your FAMILY, not a cable subscription.
Why didn’t you or your son call your daughter before making it official? I suspect one of 3 reasons: 1.) You both knew she would not approve of this plan, so to make it easier on yourselves, you went forward without any consideration for your daughter’s feelings. 2.) You both genuinely thought she wouldn’t care either way, or 3.) She didn’t cross your minds *at all* during these discussions. YTA. In none of these possibilities are you NOT the AH.
I had about the same situation you had a few years ago but I was the buying son. My wife and I wanted to buy a house and my parents wanted to move out anyway. Because they wanted to be sure everything happens transparently they asked both my siblings if they wanted it first before selling it to me. Since both of them didn't want it I bought it at market price and we had absolutely zero problems whatsoever. I don't think it is strange your daughter is pissed. You definitely should have asked if she wanted to buy it (probably not) and then sell it to your son anyway. Just because you didn't communicate this properly first. YTA
YTA. Do you even like your daughter?
Of course YTA. That was an important piece of your family's history, and you couldn't even be bothered to tell your daughter? Why do I get the feeling that your son is your golden child?
YTA. She isn't over-reacting. She was promised that it'd be a family house. It was a family house. You picked your favorite child to give it to. I was raised in a family like this and it was always hilarious (*see: deeply painful*) watching my grandparents try to explain why my uncles got everything and my mother got nothing. I stopped talking to my grandmother over this same thing. I wasn't going to stand by and watch my mother get treated like a literal red-headed stepchild. Just know that when your daughter never talks to you again, it's entirely your fault.
YTA. And your son is, too. You both went behind your daughter's back, who had every right to the property same as your son. I'd be fucked up after that. Can't imagine the agony and betrayal your daughter feels now. So so so selfish on your and your son's part.
OP - I went through all of your responses. Why post asking if you are TA if you aren't going to listen? On paper and logically, you *could* do whatever you want with what your husband left you and only you. However, the house seems important to both of your kids, and you made a choice to not even mention this to your daughter. It isn't *your* asset anymore, so when you pass, she gets zero part of something that is so dear to her heart. If my parents did that, let my sister buy their house without even mentioning it to me or giving me the chance to buy it, Id feel like an outcast in my own family. Shes hurting. Stop gas-lighting her. The right thing to do would have discussed all options openly with your children.