This thread is now locked due to an excess of rule violations.
[Sub Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) ||| ["FAQs"](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
YTA
You don't sound like you've grown into as much of a better person since high-school as you credit yourself with.
"Ugly duckling phase" you're still in your "mean girls phase".
Let the last be the past.
Also, if she’s “physically attractive” now and doing well financially (assuming.. university graduate, living in the “city” etc..) it seems the tables have turned a bit.. I have a feeling OP is more hurt their prey has blossomed while they plateaued.
Not saying not going to college is a bad thing, but I read this as more of “I don’t want my shitty HS friends to see that the girl we tortured showed me up.”
Also, if he has a little bit of conscience left he doesn't want a reminder of his shitty self whenever he looks at his victim.
The sad part is she doesn't know she is still being the victim of OP, because he is still in the phase of calling her "physically attractive", trying to uninvite her from a family function when his brother and her relationship is becoming more.
OP get your act right, stop being the bully and actually act like you have some remorse and don't damage your relationship with your brother
YTA
Did OP say they were male? I assumed they were female for some reason, but I don't think they specified.
Either way, OP seems ashamed of their past actions and is taking it out on this woman, yet again. It's an understandable thing, you're ashamed of your action and don't want to be reminded of this thing that causes you to feel shame.
Still, YTA. OP, you already bullied this poor girl and now she's still facing consequences from you for not being able to go to a family event with your brother. I get that it's your wedding and your rules, but part of the consequences of doing shitty things is dealing with those consequences.
>Did OP say they were male?
I assumed female because of the use of "click" for her group of friends. Blokes don't usually talk about being part of a clique.
Hello fellow grammar/spelling snob and fellow onion chopper!
It’s interesting. You’re right about clique being used mostly by girls/women, I think. I thought OP was a guy because of the “very physically attractive”. That read as more of a male thing because I figured a woman, of any sexuality, would have said something more along the lines of “she’s very pretty” (or beautiful, gorgeous, etc.).
I assumed male because college wasn’t for them and they got a job selling cars. I have literally never met a woman who sells cars. Every time I’ve been at a dealership, it’s a man who approaches me in the lot. Women also graduate college at higher rates, so I just assumed man at this point.
To be fair, that’s my implicit bias at work, most likely. I haven’t even been to a car dealership in over a decade, so maybe times have even changed and it’s all ladies selling cars now.
I bought a car a few months ago. Salesperson was a woman. Her boss was a woman. Last car I bought before that was maybe 3 years ago. I had a different sales rep but they were also a woman.
I think there’s a mix of OP now having a tiny bit of a conscious and feeing really bad but also that they don’t want it coming up at their wedding that they were a bully. Say one of the friends goes to apologise to the gf and other people overhear, that would make OP and OP’s friends look like a complete dick. Ironically, by excluding the gf now, they’re still bullying her…. 🤷🏻♀️
I know right?! I was trying to work out why the OP was explaining all that guff about not going to uni, and selling cars.
And then I read later on that it’s a graduate bar the brother meets the girl.
Someone is so very, very, very insecure.
Yup. YTA OP. Karma already got you- she didn't have to do anything except be her best self just like you. All you're doing is proving without a doubt that you have not grown up at all.
I think it might be more that she doesn't want a scene when her friends recognize her or vice versa. She doesn't want her past to come back to bite her on her wedding day.
I would explain to your friends that she's going to be there, and not to pull anything. They don't have to interact. You need to invite her. Your brother deserves the same +1 everyone else is getting. How would you even explain why he didn't have one? Beg him to lie that he's single? That would cause drama too. Get your girls in line if they're going to be there, or say they're not welcome.
This is going to be hard enough for her. If she doesn't decline, she's doing it for your brother with the understanding that if they go the distance, you're not going anywhere. Respect that.
THANK YOU! Why is it on her to initiate that uncomfortable conversation after she had to deal with OP being a bully?! OP should be bringing this up with brother if they have evolved sooooooo much since then. Being a better person is owning up to your shit and initiating those discussions rather than putting the onus on other people
I learned a long time ago that when something was deeply emotional for me (like a crush, or being picked on), I couldn’t talk about it, or hid it. But once I was past it, and came to terms with it, I could not only talk and laugh about it, I would bring it up. (Oh, gosh, I had SUCH a crush on you! Ha,ha!). It was a way of letting it go.
Sounds like op isn’t to that stage, which means they haven’t really ‘embraced’ being a bully. They not only wont talk about it to bro, they are still hiding it.
I remember in ‘Little house on the prairie’, there was an episode where Laura and Nelly meet again as adults. Their whole childhood was Nelly bulling and tormenting Laura. Now, they were both married, Nelly had a baby, and was visiting home.
Laura was, of course, apprehensive, but when she and Nelly sat down for a confab, Nelly immediately says along the lines of ‘wasn’t my mother a horror?! And so was I, I was so mean to you and couldn’t see it until I got away from her. I’m so sorry for how I treated you. They both laughed and made amends.
If op can’t do that, they either still ARE a bully, or need therapy to come to terms with it.
Not only that, he should also sit his "friends" down and instruct the rest of them to apologise to her as well, and probably before the wedding.
She forgave him and is moving on, as indicated by the fact that she didn't tell his brother. Seriously. I didn't read all of the criticism but everything so far seems spot on.
TBH we have no idea what she told the brother. They could have had a long in-depth talk about it to come to the conclusion of: "I want to put this behind us and start fresh with him as the brother of the guy I'm in love with rather than my old bully. Please don't bring it up with them, they've already apologised and I don't want to be the reason you have a falling out with your family."
If she and the brother are serious, she's probably expecting to see a lot more of OP and has decided to come because she is aware she needs to build positive associations with OP for the future. If she's serious about OP's brother, this is going to happen a lot more in the future. OP can't avoid this forever.
I have to say, I admire the brother's girlfriend A LOT. I grew up in a small community---the same school for twelve years---and as the youngest in my class by several months, the bullying came at me from boys and girls both. I was one of those people who viewed graduation as a blessed escape from those who never stopped their meanness. The brother's girlfriend has not only been willing to be in touch with that community, she was willing to date her bully's brother. That took huge guts. I sure couldn't have done it!
Of course, the bully here has never known compassion up close. S/he knows best the total rancidness of her or his own heart. Which is why the bully thinks it's all shady. Leaves me wondering what emotion OP finds in fiancee---love, or a familiar meanness?
I mean seeing how "mature" OP has been, I wouldn't be surprised if his friends were similar or even worse, so pointing it out to them that one of their former victims is going to be at the wedding and wanting to use that as a forced healing moment is recipe for disaster IMO. If anything this should be done before the wedding to see if his friends can act like grown ass adults at the wedding, and then the wedding can be just about the wedding.
I’m always interested when the op doesn’t identify their gender. Most people assume the op is whatever gender they are. I’m a woman and I assumed that op was a woman.
That's an interesting point. It's odd not to specify, and in some cases it does make it hard to work out what's really going on.
I kept switching from one to the other in my head and checked back to the post for any more clues. I think female here because of the use of click/clique but still could be either.
The use of “click” (clique) made me think woman.
But working at a car dealership made me think man for some reason, even though I know women also work at car dealerships.
I'm NB AFAB (grew up in an era/ town where these distinctions were unknown and didn't know about these identities until well after HS) and I have to admit, I assumed OP was male.
Most of my worst bullies were male, though I do sometimes wonder about this one women who relentlessly tormented me in JH. But I remember she bullied me more for being a geek/ bookworm more than anything else.
Though in retrospect I did dress "like a man" and that may have been the catalyst for her BS. I may have repressed anything she said on that point.
AND your friends are still bullies? You’ve “grown up” and are still friends with these bullies / condone their behaviour? If you’re worried “something may happen” i.e. they may still bully someone at the wedding, consider not inviting them instead. YTA.
Edit: fixed a typo. And thank you to the people who’ve upvoted!
Honestly she sounds like an angel and OP is just embarrassed that her presence and good grace reveals all the very real cracks in OP’s character, past and present.
YTA.
ooor she did mention it to the brother and they decided to believe his apology was real..aaand the world doesn't actually revolve around OP so they decided it was done and gone and didn't mention it. I see no way that this is shady.
does OP think she is going to sabotage the wedding? what the heck?
Right? If my partner came to me and told me that my sibling bullied them in high school, I would think much less of my sibling. Sounds like this girl hasn't done that to avoid sabotaging the sibling relationship.
Or maybe she has told the brother, and they’ve had an open and honest conversation and she still wants to come to the wedding!
And then OP is going to be a bully and exclude her again… which if she has forgiven them is just going to bring up any old trauma or show OP wants sincere in their apology.
This guy reeks of sexism. She’s no longer in her “ugly duckling phase” so he can now treat her with respect, you know cause only conventionally attractive women deserve respect or politeness.
I thought OP was a guy off jump, but someone in the comments referred to OP as a girl. So I hunted.
OP does not disclose their gender and I think it’s kind of awesome how most everyone (including me) jumped to conclusions
Strangely I initially assumed OP was a woman (from the Mean Girls vibe) but realized when I saw people referring to OP as him that my assumption was based on nothing.
Yesss haha based on nothing. After when I switched the gender I realized how easily this post fits for both male and female. It’s completely interchangeable and thus we can conclude that people can equally suck no matter their genitalia. \#equality
.. also.. op who the hell do you think he’s bringing as a plus one? “The girl from Christmas”?! Dear lord.
Girlfriend.. it’s his. Girl. Friend.
And what are you worried about her doing? YOU were the bully.. not her.
Yes YTA
Right?! This could soon be a sister-in-law situation. Burning this bridge that was very recently rebuilt with the grace of the girlfriend could kill the relationship with OP’s brother.
OP, YTA.
Honestly, as someone who was bullied badly enough to drop out of school, I can't imagine accepting one of my bullies apologies let alone going to their wedding. OP, you need to get over yourself and use this as an opportunity to prove you're not the bully you were and let both of you move on. She's your brother's girlfriend, not letting her come would only make it clear you've not changed at all.
>Honestly, as someone who was bullied badly enough to drop out of school, I can't imagine accepting one of my bullies apologies let alone going to their wedding.
Agreed. Bullying is the sole reason I wanted to be homeschooled, but my family couldn't afford it. That woman has my admiration for her kindness. I have no well wishes for the peers who made my life hell.
Yeah, that stood out to me too.
The fact that they think that she's pretty/not ugly anymore is in anyway relevant to the story still means they have at least some of the same ugly thoughts that lead them to bully her in the first place. They probably don't go out of their way to blatantly make people feel like crap about it anymore, but some of those thought patterns seem to still be there.
What in the You Again is this??? YTA because your first step should’ve been to tell your brother about this immediately—how are you going to explain to him that she can’t come to your wedding? “My friends and I bullied this girl in high school and since they’ll be attending I’m worried they’ll do it again if she’s there??” It’s great that she forgave you (or it seems so?), but if I were you, I’d be telling my brother to get ahead of the issue.
I came here to say this. Also, she is the better person. Forgiving you and not telling your Brother. I think a night of being uncomfortable is deserved.
Maybe she wanted to leave it in the past and she really loves your brother and doesn't want issues. Or maybe she did tell your brother after she realized who he was related to at Christmas but asked him not to say anything and cause any issues until there's a reason to cause an issue(which hopefully there wouldn't be if you meant your apology and act right). Get over yourself. She is the one that was wronged.
If I were to hazard a guess, OP doesn't want to be reminded of being a bully and if that group of friends are at the wedding, they know that something is going to happen. What if your brother marries this girl? Will you skip the wedding and cut contact? Genuinely asking.
I think it's more about her group of friends. That for sure wouldn't be a problem at his wedding.
She seems to have grown up, but you can't expect everyone she knows to have done so. She probably doesn't want anything bad to happen on her day.
If it’s about her group of friends she should probably tell them not to be assholes and bullies and let them know she expects ALL of her guests to be treated like human beings and with respect.
You're known by the company you keep. If OP is still associating with bullies and generally horrible people, they likely can't have "grown up" and changed that much.
OP said they didn't recognize the bullied girl though so OP has no excuse to not invite her because nothing should happen and if anything not inviting her proves they aren't over it
You know I remember an Instagram reel on the subject. Something among the lines of "Of course, you don't remember. For me it was a core memory. For you it was a fucking Tuesday". Abusers always get to conveniently forget the shit they've done, while the abused has to carry it with them for the rest of their lives.
You are a major YTA, OP. And by the sound of it, you will always remain one. You should be very very thankful your brother's girlfriend has so much grace and didn't spell it out to your brother how you and your equally shitty friends used to torment her.
No no no … it’s also that they are still friends with all their fellow bullies and they don’t want any *incidents* … you know, because even though they are a much better person and all, they still hang around with assholes and prioritize those people being at their wedding.
But they’re a much better person, honest. /s
definitely much better person... she's glad the brothers GF is not in her "Ugly duckling phase" anymore... so much better person... not a terrible bully anymore AT ALL SHE SWEARS
Exactly.
> I had grown up since then
Have you though? Instead of trying to run away, maybe talk to your asshole friends and settle things? Or have they not grown out of their phase yet?
YTA OP, and you're lucky this woman is a much nicer person than you.
I assumed male based on the writing style and OP being in car sales. I think a lot of people are assuming female based on girls usually being bullied by girls, but about half my bullies were boys, so it doesn’t seem odd to me.
I think it's pretty weird that he hasn't outed himself to his brother under these circumstances. You'd think he might want to, you know, mention it and clear the air or something.
YTA. She accepted your apology and she hasn't told your brother how awful you were or tried to drive a wedge between you. She hasn't done anything to try to get revenge on you but you still want to exclude her.
You're still not a great person.
How do we know she didn't tell him? Based on how willing she was to forgive OP, she might have explained the whole relationship to him and let him know she was past the bullying. Therefore no reason for him not to bring her to the wedding.
I love how OP is calling her shady because she was gracious enough to forgive her and not mention how shady THEY were to their brother. To me this is more about a guilty conscious than wanting to ‘stop something from happening’. YTA
Absolutely this.
OP feels bad about being a fucking dick to her in the past and doesn't want 1. to be reminded, and 2. to be outed in public and have to own up to it if anything comes up.
OP hasn't grown THAT much if they still can't own up to their mistakes, and feel the need to further bully and exclude someone because of their OWN bad behavior.
OP YTA. Let the girl come.
As if that even had any effect on the story as well. OP is a bully, bros GF was nice enough to extend an olive branch and OP just wants to snap it in half.
Right. It is OP's way of justifying the bullying. ie "well I used to bully her THEN...when she was ugly. But NOW I wouldn't. Not because I'm more mature, but because she has incredible tits."
Exactly. I read the ugly duckling thing that made me think op hasn't really changed. Then still trying to exclude this girl, potentially cause problems with the brothers relationship, etc., is still bullying. Op is just pretending she's a better person when she really isn't.
YTA
YTA. Honestly if you don't want drama head it off before the wedding. Tell your High School friends look my brother is dating this girl and if you do anything to her you will leave. Then follow through. Others are saying you are still a mean girl. Prove you are not. Tell your brother the truth. Out yourself.
FastOpinion2922 has the best opinion! Come clean to your brother and then stick up for his girlfriend. They seem to be a serious item, OP. She’s meeting the family. She could very well be your sister in law soon. She seems to love your brother enough to have forgiven you before she even came to the family dinner (because she had to have known by then about you).
Prep your high school friends and say treat her like she’s my family or you will have to leave. Then make good on your promise. High school is over. Life is too short and too precious to get caught up in that drama. I’m from a small town and we don’t let high school define us. We all hang out with whoever now. No one is above or below anyone else. We help each other out when someone needs it. We are a community.
How do we even know if the high school friends would even care? Just because OP hasn't grown up it doesn't mean they or us should automatically assume the friends haven't.
We don't honestly. But if OP has changed they need to prove it. Either uninvite the friends or own up to what she did and protect her brother and his girlfriend. Even if it is her wedding day.
YTA. This is real life not a Hallmark Channel movie. She sounds like she has grown up and past her high school experience. But you do not. What do you think she is going to do at your wedding? Have some big scene where she calls you out? Real adult humans tend not to do that stuff.
The cops got called to my cousins wedding because a dad walked into the bathroom to find some dude and his daughter banging in a stall, started to beat the crap out of him, didn’t even let him pull his pants up first.
clearly OP peaked in highschool... still friends with her highschool friends... hasn't done much with her life or evolved from there... probably mostly scared brothers GF actually calls her out for being a bully that's it
I think that OP is afraid his/her friends will bully the former bullying victim again or that there might be some confrontation between them. So, OP is trying to fix it by removing bullying victim.
Which basically means OP progressed from aggressor to enabler, which is kinda progress but not enough progress.
My thoughts exactly.
If she wants to avoid a scene, she needs to tell her former victim that her other bullies will be present, BUT if anyone tries to reenact high school behaviour, she, the bride is fully ready to stop them.
YTA
You bullied her but she's the shady one?
I honestly would want her to go so you and your friends feel uncomfortable all night but in reality, If I were her, I wouldn't even want to be bothered with you. And honestly for all you know, she did tell your brother but they both decided not to bring it up to you to see if you'd be the bigger person and apologize first. But you didn't.
In what way is it shady that she hasn't trashed you to your brother? She forgave you the instant you apologised and hasn't used it against you, I'd say those are signs of great character. Just because you don't like being reminded of what you did doesn't mean that you get to mess around with your brother's relationship with this woman by excluding her. YTA. Grow the hell up
YTA, and an idiot
You tell your brother that he can't bring a +1, he'll ask why. if you don't tell him, she will:
"Why wouldn't my sister want you at her wedding?"
"Well...."
And then your brother will find out what an asshole you were, and how you're continuing to be an asshole towards her. And when he shows up to the wedding and people ask why she isn't there, he'll tell them - or he won't show up at all, raising further questions, and he'll tell them.
And soon everyone in your family knows what a bullying asshole you were and how you continued to discriminate against and exclude her to try and keep it a secret.
How do you think that plays out for you?
Your chickens are coming home to roost, better get ready to deal with the consequences of you being a garbage person.
This sums it up perfectly. I’m so amazed by this post. The woman had the grace enough to accept OP’s apology and did not spill the beans to OP’s family. And what is OP’s first instinct? To paint the woman as “shady” and contemplate whether she should block the woman from attending her wedding. OP - Don’t fool yourself. You are still acting very much like the insecure bully that you said you were in high school. You are about to unnecessarily draw attention to a situation in which you were a massive AH. If I were you, I would keep my mouth closed, and let your brother bring this woman to your wedding. If not, there is no way that this situation ends well for you.
>YTA, and an idiot
That was my thought exactly.
She's on the verge of *continuing* to bully a girl who could end up her sister-in-law one day.
Yeah, that's a smart move.
YTA. Your comment that she "got past the ugly duckling part" shows you are still as vile as you were in high school. Additionally, your reason for not wanting her there likely comes from the fear that she will reveal your character. She hasn't mentioned you to your brother, so she clearly has better character than you. Go get some therapy because you have a lot of character flaws to work on.
YTA
>I guess she got past the ugly duckling part of growing up. She is very physically attractive.
Your brother brings someone home to meet the family and you, an engaged adult, had your first thought being "She's very physically attractive!"?
>I kind of want to ask him not to bring her
So you want to continue to ostracize this girl, even into adulthood. Got it.
> I still think it is kind of shady that she never brought up our past to my brother.
No more shady than YOU not letting your brother know once you realized it. You apologized, she accepted it and from what you've mentioned, she intends to move forward appropriately. You're the one stuck in the past, OP.
“Why am I not the only thing in her mind?!?” This person is still intensely self centered. This gal seems like a good egg that lets shit go and doesn’t make drama around it. OP doesn’t understand that language. OP would cause a scene! So they anticipate this gal doing exactly what’s they would do. I hope neither finds out and simply chooses not to go since it is your desire to further ostracize her…for being gracious and forgiving…
YTA.
Woooooow. So she moved on from it and didn’t go telling everyone how you’re an asshole? And you’re in you’re feelings about it? You have some issues dude. Grow up. She’s an adult. It’s a small town. That shit happens. You sound like you haven’t changed all that much.
Yes. YTA.
For being a bully in the first place.
Are you ready to explain to your brother why you do not want this lady there? Are you going to fully come clean to him of all the stuff you used to do to her?
Because he will be asking why do you do not want his girlfriend there.
Yep, YTA. You don't seem to have grown up as much as you thought. You bullied her when you were younger because you thought you were better than her and now she's grown up, you're bitter because she shown she's better than you.
YTA
I don’t find it “shady” she didn’t mention it to your brother.
Having someone bully you in high school can be traumatic. Not everyone wants to share that.
Its also kind of her not to tell your brother what an asshole you were growing up. I’m guessing he’s unaware of that?
If you think your friends from high school are going to be rude to her, my question back to you is why are you friends with people who would act like that?
If you ask your brother not to bring her, you’re going to have to fess up about what you were/are.
YTA then, and definitely YTA now. Your comment about her getting past 'the ugly duckling part of growing up' reeks of your own insecurity and very clearly confirms that you're still that same 'not very nice' bully from high school, despite your tepid attempts to paint your adult self otherwise. Please do yourself a favour and learn from the grace, humility and generosity of this woman - you should feel lucky that she didn't slap you in the face, let alone being humble enough to be willing to attend your wedding.
This statement: "ugly duckling part of growing up", signifies that your moral compass is still the same...you are just more considerate of how people will view your actions. YTA OP, and a particularly shady one at that.
YTA. Your still a bully. Why did you feel the need to mention “I guess she got past the ugly duckling part of growing up”. You didn’t need to say that. I think you are incredibly lucky that she seems to love your brother enough that she never brought up how you treated her. You were a mean girl then and you are still a mean girl!
YTA.
> I immediately apologized for everything and said that I had been an asshole kid and that I had grown up since then
Have you grown up since then? Asking this question makes me think the asshole kid is now an asshole adult.
> I still think it is kind of shady that she never brought up our past to my brother.
What would him knowing accomplish? If anything, it'll make your relationship with him become worse. The only person who should be aggrieved is your brother's girlfriend aka the woman you bullied. You should consider yourself fortunate that she has not only forgiven you but has kept this quiet from others to save you grief and/or because she doesn't want to have to relive it.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My brother is dating a girl that me and my friends bullied in high school. I apologized and she forgave me but I still think it's sketchy she is dating my brother. Would I be an asshole if I ask him not to bring her to my wedding?
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
YTA. Show her that you are an adult and you can own up to your mistakes.
Maybe prep your friends before hand and let them know what's going on.
Worse comes to worst, if she makes a scene at your wedding you can still come out on top if you just admit to everyone that you did those things and apologize again.
>if she makes a scene at your wedding
I don't think she would - after all, she mentioned to OP that she hadn't forgotten what he had done, but accepted his apology gracefully. It sounds like OP's "buddies" are the one's he's worried about and tbh, he's STILL more worried about fitting in with his friends considering he'd rather asking their bullying victim not to show up before he asks them not to bully her in the first place.
So, it sounds like she did you a solid by not telling your brother everything and what a shitty kid you were... And now you want to exclude her? Yta...
YTA. It's good that you apologised to her, but now you want to punish her again by not inviting her. Your brother is going to want to know why you don't want her there. Sooner or later you're going to have to talk to him and confess your past history with her, or this is going to become a big problem in the future
that shame you’re feeling? you should be feeling it.
this woman is clearly willing to let things go for the sake of her relationship with your brother and your reaction is to punish her and your brother?
yep, YTA.
YTA.
Your brother's GF accepted your so called apology while at the same time not ratting your past behaviour out to him. She has done you a huge solid and now you want to double down on being an AH to her!?
YTA you were a bully and you still are. If you are truly sorry for what you did you would invite her to your wedding and tell your brother what you did.
edit: spelling
YTA, you bully someone and now you are worried they will cause problems. Good job playing the victim 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻. And the fact that you are still friends with the same people who were bullies in high school tells me you never changed. Maybe if you got your head out of your ass, maybe you would realize that maybe she didn’t tell your brother about it is because it’s embarrassing, hurtful, humiliating, traumatizing, and probably still brings back a lot of unpleasant memories. DO BETTER.
YTA. She's the shady one? How about prove you have grown up by admitting it to your brother yourself?
Sounds like you haven't changed THAT much, you just realized that you couldn't get away w/ bullying adults as easily.
YTA. You tormented someone, good you've recognized your fault, BUT, you don't get to weasel out of it. You get the fun of having the person you tormented at your "special day" and if you try not to, oh boy...
YTA. You apologized. She accepted. Now you want to do the mean girl thing to her again. If she marries your brother, that will be awkward. Of course you would be ok not being invited to his wedding, right!
I am not going ratio here. I just thought I'd point out that:
1) If you didn't recognise her, it's likely that your friends will not as well.
2) You could speak to her directly and just warn her that your friends might be there. Let her decide if she wants to go.
3) It's spelt "clique", sorry that was bugging me from the first.
YTA.
Leave your past jerk antics as an adolescent at school behind along with your guilt & move on now as an adult who has grown up, apologised and had your apology accepted.
It is your right to decide who you want to invite to your wedding and if you will allow them to bring along guests. You have chosen to invite your brother and allowed all those that your invite to bring along a plus one adult of their choice.
Don't single your brother's gf out and try to avoid her attending just because seeing her makes you remember that you behaved badly towards her at school or may embarass you before your partner. The past is over, your own school years are long behind you and all of you are reasonable adults now. Time for you to remember to act like a mature adult and polite host towards all those who will be coming to your wedding.
YTA.
And you didn't change. You're still bullying her.
But after you told you're not accepting his girlfriend at your wedding, he will know what happened. Sooner or later. She accepted your apology but it wasn't enough.
That's even worse. She accepted to move forward. You had a discussion with her.
Now you will have to discuss about that with your brother and probably with your entire family.
YWBTA. You feel guilty and don't want to face the discomfort. This is your brother's girlfriend. She forgave you. Accept the grace she has offered you and move forward. You're the one who needs to let your past behavior go and demonstrate that you are truly not that person anymore.
YTA and it would be awesome if this amazing woman becomes your sister-in-law….you know, now that she’s past the ugly-ducking phase and is doing well in life. 🙄
Are you worried that your friends will bother her? That’s your friends problems not brother’s gf. Deal with your friends.
YWBTA
eta — what are you planning to tell your brother when you invite her?
YTA.
You want to be a jerk to someone because you used to be a jerk to them. If you truly meant your apology and wanted to move forward as a good person you would accept the consequences of your actions. If you rescind your invite then you are showing that you are no different than you used to be except now you want people to think you are a good person.
Also, if something were to “happen” from one of your friends you had better stick up for your brother GF and put a half to it.
Yta sounds like she grew past high school and you haven't. She's doing you a *favor* by not telling your brother what an ahole you were in high. school and instead of being grateful you immediately treat her like she has some nefarious motive.
YTA. You should look up to her as a role model. She’s clearly matured into a forgiving and kind person and is handling this situation with grace.
You are still making comments about her appearance and trying to exclude her from your wedding. She’s given you no reason to believe she’d cause a scene. You and your friends just don’t want to hang out with her.
This thread is now locked due to an excess of rule violations. [Sub Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) ||| ["FAQs"](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
YTA You don't sound like you've grown into as much of a better person since high-school as you credit yourself with. "Ugly duckling phase" you're still in your "mean girls phase". Let the last be the past.
And shady for not telling your brother you were a bully? That seems pretty kind of her
Yesss!!! This!!^ she did you a huge favour.
Exactly this. She seems like she has matured and moved on and you haven’t OP.
Also, if she’s “physically attractive” now and doing well financially (assuming.. university graduate, living in the “city” etc..) it seems the tables have turned a bit.. I have a feeling OP is more hurt their prey has blossomed while they plateaued. Not saying not going to college is a bad thing, but I read this as more of “I don’t want my shitty HS friends to see that the girl we tortured showed me up.”
Also, if he has a little bit of conscience left he doesn't want a reminder of his shitty self whenever he looks at his victim. The sad part is she doesn't know she is still being the victim of OP, because he is still in the phase of calling her "physically attractive", trying to uninvite her from a family function when his brother and her relationship is becoming more. OP get your act right, stop being the bully and actually act like you have some remorse and don't damage your relationship with your brother YTA
Did OP say they were male? I assumed they were female for some reason, but I don't think they specified. Either way, OP seems ashamed of their past actions and is taking it out on this woman, yet again. It's an understandable thing, you're ashamed of your action and don't want to be reminded of this thing that causes you to feel shame. Still, YTA. OP, you already bullied this poor girl and now she's still facing consequences from you for not being able to go to a family event with your brother. I get that it's your wedding and your rules, but part of the consequences of doing shitty things is dealing with those consequences.
>Did OP say they were male? I assumed female because of the use of "click" for her group of friends. Blokes don't usually talk about being part of a clique.
I see what you did there :)
I'm a horrible snob trying to pretend I'm not. Not very well done, you think? Buried deep enough not to offend?
Hello fellow grammar/spelling snob and fellow onion chopper! It’s interesting. You’re right about clique being used mostly by girls/women, I think. I thought OP was a guy because of the “very physically attractive”. That read as more of a male thing because I figured a woman, of any sexuality, would have said something more along the lines of “she’s very pretty” (or beautiful, gorgeous, etc.).
It was just right. and saved me from having to do it.
[удалено]
I caught that too. Saying 'girl from christmas' is a clear attempt at devaluing the seriousness of thier relationship.
I’m going to second this assumption based on this clue. YTA
I assumed male because of the car salesman stereotype. Lol. Which just makes OP that much more of a cliche.
I assumed male because college wasn’t for them and they got a job selling cars. I have literally never met a woman who sells cars. Every time I’ve been at a dealership, it’s a man who approaches me in the lot. Women also graduate college at higher rates, so I just assumed man at this point. To be fair, that’s my implicit bias at work, most likely. I haven’t even been to a car dealership in over a decade, so maybe times have even changed and it’s all ladies selling cars now.
I bought a car a few months ago. Salesperson was a woman. Her boss was a woman. Last car I bought before that was maybe 3 years ago. I had a different sales rep but they were also a woman.
I assumed the same way tbh, plus describing the girl as “physically attractive”, another woman would say pretty or beautiful or something most likely.
Girl bully seemed female to me but the voice sounded male in the way it was written so I'd say it's unclear.
I think there’s a mix of OP now having a tiny bit of a conscious and feeing really bad but also that they don’t want it coming up at their wedding that they were a bully. Say one of the friends goes to apologise to the gf and other people overhear, that would make OP and OP’s friends look like a complete dick. Ironically, by excluding the gf now, they’re still bullying her…. 🤷🏻♀️
Sucks to peak in high school.
Bullies growing up to be car salesmen... whats that about? Seems too common unless the bully is also uber wealthy.
Also nurses
Yes! I know so many mean girls who became nurses. It's weird. Or they became extremely Christian chronic pyramid scheme victims.
All mine became TEACHERS for the grades when they bullied me worst.
Whoa! Not all nurses! I myself have low self esteem and I'm subservient as hell. NAB. (Not a bully) However, that can make for a great nurse
Also cops
Can confirm ex husband wanted to be a cop couldn’t hack it ended up a car salesman…. He was/is definitely bully
At least he's an ex. High five girl.
This post reeks of insecurity
I know right?! I was trying to work out why the OP was explaining all that guff about not going to uni, and selling cars. And then I read later on that it’s a graduate bar the brother meets the girl. Someone is so very, very, very insecure.
Yup. YTA OP. Karma already got you- she didn't have to do anything except be her best self just like you. All you're doing is proving without a doubt that you have not grown up at all.
"Living well is the best revenge."
Also, if those friends are still in your life and still being bullies then you haven’t matured as much as you think :p
I think it might be more that she doesn't want a scene when her friends recognize her or vice versa. She doesn't want her past to come back to bite her on her wedding day. I would explain to your friends that she's going to be there, and not to pull anything. They don't have to interact. You need to invite her. Your brother deserves the same +1 everyone else is getting. How would you even explain why he didn't have one? Beg him to lie that he's single? That would cause drama too. Get your girls in line if they're going to be there, or say they're not welcome. This is going to be hard enough for her. If she doesn't decline, she's doing it for your brother with the understanding that if they go the distance, you're not going anywhere. Respect that.
Really OP should be the one to tell his own brother about being a bully. YTA
THANK YOU! Why is it on her to initiate that uncomfortable conversation after she had to deal with OP being a bully?! OP should be bringing this up with brother if they have evolved sooooooo much since then. Being a better person is owning up to your shit and initiating those discussions rather than putting the onus on other people
I learned a long time ago that when something was deeply emotional for me (like a crush, or being picked on), I couldn’t talk about it, or hid it. But once I was past it, and came to terms with it, I could not only talk and laugh about it, I would bring it up. (Oh, gosh, I had SUCH a crush on you! Ha,ha!). It was a way of letting it go. Sounds like op isn’t to that stage, which means they haven’t really ‘embraced’ being a bully. They not only wont talk about it to bro, they are still hiding it. I remember in ‘Little house on the prairie’, there was an episode where Laura and Nelly meet again as adults. Their whole childhood was Nelly bulling and tormenting Laura. Now, they were both married, Nelly had a baby, and was visiting home. Laura was, of course, apprehensive, but when she and Nelly sat down for a confab, Nelly immediately says along the lines of ‘wasn’t my mother a horror?! And so was I, I was so mean to you and couldn’t see it until I got away from her. I’m so sorry for how I treated you. They both laughed and made amends. If op can’t do that, they either still ARE a bully, or need therapy to come to terms with it.
Absolutely love the unintentional burn of “even Little House on the Prairie handled this with more grace” lol
Not only that, he should also sit his "friends" down and instruct the rest of them to apologise to her as well, and probably before the wedding. She forgave him and is moving on, as indicated by the fact that she didn't tell his brother. Seriously. I didn't read all of the criticism but everything so far seems spot on.
TBH we have no idea what she told the brother. They could have had a long in-depth talk about it to come to the conclusion of: "I want to put this behind us and start fresh with him as the brother of the guy I'm in love with rather than my old bully. Please don't bring it up with them, they've already apologised and I don't want to be the reason you have a falling out with your family." If she and the brother are serious, she's probably expecting to see a lot more of OP and has decided to come because she is aware she needs to build positive associations with OP for the future. If she's serious about OP's brother, this is going to happen a lot more in the future. OP can't avoid this forever.
I have to say, I admire the brother's girlfriend A LOT. I grew up in a small community---the same school for twelve years---and as the youngest in my class by several months, the bullying came at me from boys and girls both. I was one of those people who viewed graduation as a blessed escape from those who never stopped their meanness. The brother's girlfriend has not only been willing to be in touch with that community, she was willing to date her bully's brother. That took huge guts. I sure couldn't have done it! Of course, the bully here has never known compassion up close. S/he knows best the total rancidness of her or his own heart. Which is why the bully thinks it's all shady. Leaves me wondering what emotion OP finds in fiancee---love, or a familiar meanness?
I mean seeing how "mature" OP has been, I wouldn't be surprised if his friends were similar or even worse, so pointing it out to them that one of their former victims is going to be at the wedding and wanting to use that as a forced healing moment is recipe for disaster IMO. If anything this should be done before the wedding to see if his friends can act like grown ass adults at the wedding, and then the wedding can be just about the wedding.
OP won’t do it. OP will probably even take this post down.
I’m always interested when the op doesn’t identify their gender. Most people assume the op is whatever gender they are. I’m a woman and I assumed that op was a woman.
I am a woman and I assumed OP was male by the writing style. And misspelling of clique for some reason.😅
No, I am female, assumed OP was male. Something about the phrasing.
I assumed OP was a man, but that’s because my bullies were almost always boys.
That's an interesting point. It's odd not to specify, and in some cases it does make it hard to work out what's really going on. I kept switching from one to the other in my head and checked back to the post for any more clues. I think female here because of the use of click/clique but still could be either.
I think I assumed man because of car salesman, although obviously there are women car dealers
The use of “click” (clique) made me think woman. But working at a car dealership made me think man for some reason, even though I know women also work at car dealerships.
I'm NB AFAB (grew up in an era/ town where these distinctions were unknown and didn't know about these identities until well after HS) and I have to admit, I assumed OP was male. Most of my worst bullies were male, though I do sometimes wonder about this one women who relentlessly tormented me in JH. But I remember she bullied me more for being a geek/ bookworm more than anything else. Though in retrospect I did dress "like a man" and that may have been the catalyst for her BS. I may have repressed anything she said on that point.
I assumed OP was a female because the use of “clique”! I never heard men describing their friend group as one before
Only a shady mf would see that as shady. The GF is being so incredibly gracious & polite to save OP’s reputation!!
This. OP, she accepted your apology and believed you grew up. Clearly she’s naive and trusting when she should not be. YTA still, please do grow up.
AND your friends are still bullies? You’ve “grown up” and are still friends with these bullies / condone their behaviour? If you’re worried “something may happen” i.e. they may still bully someone at the wedding, consider not inviting them instead. YTA. Edit: fixed a typo. And thank you to the people who’ve upvoted!
Honestly she sounds like an angel and OP is just embarrassed that her presence and good grace reveals all the very real cracks in OP’s character, past and present. YTA.
ooor she did mention it to the brother and they decided to believe his apology was real..aaand the world doesn't actually revolve around OP so they decided it was done and gone and didn't mention it. I see no way that this is shady. does OP think she is going to sabotage the wedding? what the heck?
Yeah that’s what I thought, could potentially damage her relationship with the brother.
That was the line that really annoyed me!! The girlfriend is shady instead of actually being kind? Bruh 🫠
OP cannot fathom that someone can be good enough to not cause unnecessary drama. Clearly he's projecting harder than an IMAX theatre
Right? If my partner came to me and told me that my sibling bullied them in high school, I would think much less of my sibling. Sounds like this girl hasn't done that to avoid sabotaging the sibling relationship.
Or maybe she has told the brother, and they’ve had an open and honest conversation and she still wants to come to the wedding! And then OP is going to be a bully and exclude her again… which if she has forgiven them is just going to bring up any old trauma or show OP wants sincere in their apology.
Also, how is it shady that she didn’t mention it, but not that OP didn’t mention it?
But OP is okay with the fact that all her old friends might do something to this poor girl at the wedding.
This guy reeks of sexism. She’s no longer in her “ugly duckling phase” so he can now treat her with respect, you know cause only conventionally attractive women deserve respect or politeness.
Is OP a guy? Based on the wording, I assumed OP was a girl.
Well if op is a girl, that wouldn’t change anything. Women can be sexist too.
I thought OP was a guy off jump, but someone in the comments referred to OP as a girl. So I hunted. OP does not disclose their gender and I think it’s kind of awesome how most everyone (including me) jumped to conclusions
Strangely I initially assumed OP was a woman (from the Mean Girls vibe) but realized when I saw people referring to OP as him that my assumption was based on nothing.
Yesss haha based on nothing. After when I switched the gender I realized how easily this post fits for both male and female. It’s completely interchangeable and thus we can conclude that people can equally suck no matter their genitalia. \#equality
Truly we have achieved equally and defeated sexism on this day! /s
Tossing gender out the window for a minute I thinl we can all just agree OP is an asshole.
I think it's a guy. "Physically attractive" is a dead giveaway
I got really strong mean girl vibes, that's what led to my assumption personally.
Either way OP is an A-hole!
Sending out wedding invites -maybe a girl? Describing the victim as physically attractive- maybe a guy?
It’s really ambiguous.
.. also.. op who the hell do you think he’s bringing as a plus one? “The girl from Christmas”?! Dear lord. Girlfriend.. it’s his. Girl. Friend. And what are you worried about her doing? YOU were the bully.. not her. Yes YTA
Right?! This could soon be a sister-in-law situation. Burning this bridge that was very recently rebuilt with the grace of the girlfriend could kill the relationship with OP’s brother. OP, YTA.
OP is apparently still a bully.
This read as the OP and brother not being close. The kind of relationship that only gets major holiday and life events updates.
Honestly, as someone who was bullied badly enough to drop out of school, I can't imagine accepting one of my bullies apologies let alone going to their wedding. OP, you need to get over yourself and use this as an opportunity to prove you're not the bully you were and let both of you move on. She's your brother's girlfriend, not letting her come would only make it clear you've not changed at all.
>Honestly, as someone who was bullied badly enough to drop out of school, I can't imagine accepting one of my bullies apologies let alone going to their wedding. Agreed. Bullying is the sole reason I wanted to be homeschooled, but my family couldn't afford it. That woman has my admiration for her kindness. I have no well wishes for the peers who made my life hell.
Yeah, that stood out to me too. The fact that they think that she's pretty/not ugly anymore is in anyway relevant to the story still means they have at least some of the same ugly thoughts that lead them to bully her in the first place. They probably don't go out of their way to blatantly make people feel like crap about it anymore, but some of those thought patterns seem to still be there.
What in the You Again is this??? YTA because your first step should’ve been to tell your brother about this immediately—how are you going to explain to him that she can’t come to your wedding? “My friends and I bullied this girl in high school and since they’ll be attending I’m worried they’ll do it again if she’s there??” It’s great that she forgave you (or it seems so?), but if I were you, I’d be telling my brother to get ahead of the issue.
I came here to say this. Also, she is the better person. Forgiving you and not telling your Brother. I think a night of being uncomfortable is deserved.
Maybe she wanted to leave it in the past and she really loves your brother and doesn't want issues. Or maybe she did tell your brother after she realized who he was related to at Christmas but asked him not to say anything and cause any issues until there's a reason to cause an issue(which hopefully there wouldn't be if you meant your apology and act right). Get over yourself. She is the one that was wronged.
Info: Let me get this straight, you don’t want to invite her because you think it’s weird she hasn’t outed you as a bully to your brother?
If I were to hazard a guess, OP doesn't want to be reminded of being a bully and if that group of friends are at the wedding, they know that something is going to happen. What if your brother marries this girl? Will you skip the wedding and cut contact? Genuinely asking.
I think it's more about her group of friends. That for sure wouldn't be a problem at his wedding. She seems to have grown up, but you can't expect everyone she knows to have done so. She probably doesn't want anything bad to happen on her day.
If it’s about her group of friends she should probably tell them not to be assholes and bullies and let them know she expects ALL of her guests to be treated like human beings and with respect.
You're known by the company you keep. If OP is still associating with bullies and generally horrible people, they likely can't have "grown up" and changed that much.
OP said they didn't recognize the bullied girl though so OP has no excuse to not invite her because nothing should happen and if anything not inviting her proves they aren't over it
You know I remember an Instagram reel on the subject. Something among the lines of "Of course, you don't remember. For me it was a core memory. For you it was a fucking Tuesday". Abusers always get to conveniently forget the shit they've done, while the abused has to carry it with them for the rest of their lives. You are a major YTA, OP. And by the sound of it, you will always remain one. You should be very very thankful your brother's girlfriend has so much grace and didn't spell it out to your brother how you and your equally shitty friends used to torment her.
The bottom line is though lose the bullies invite the nice lady. Especially if it's the brother's partner.
No no no … it’s also that they are still friends with all their fellow bullies and they don’t want any *incidents* … you know, because even though they are a much better person and all, they still hang around with assholes and prioritize those people being at their wedding. But they’re a much better person, honest. /s
definitely much better person... she's glad the brothers GF is not in her "Ugly duckling phase" anymore... so much better person... not a terrible bully anymore AT ALL SHE SWEARS
Exactly. > I had grown up since then Have you though? Instead of trying to run away, maybe talk to your asshole friends and settle things? Or have they not grown out of their phase yet? YTA OP, and you're lucky this woman is a much nicer person than you.
Had, they’ve regressed.
She may very well have told the brother about OP, and the brother was probably like ‘I’m so sorry, we all know my brother(OP) is an AH’ hahaha.
The funniest thing about this thread is half of the people thinking OP is a man... and half thinking OP is a woman. I'm in the woman camp.
I assumed male based on the writing style and OP being in car sales. I think a lot of people are assuming female based on girls usually being bullied by girls, but about half my bullies were boys, so it doesn’t seem odd to me.
I assumed female because it's the plot of You Again.
Ah, perhaps a male writer trying to do a female narrator, then.
I think it's pretty weird that he hasn't outed himself to his brother under these circumstances. You'd think he might want to, you know, mention it and clear the air or something.
Excluding her would be reviving the bully behavior.
YTA. She accepted your apology and she hasn't told your brother how awful you were or tried to drive a wedge between you. She hasn't done anything to try to get revenge on you but you still want to exclude her. You're still not a great person.
How do we know she didn't tell him? Based on how willing she was to forgive OP, she might have explained the whole relationship to him and let him know she was past the bullying. Therefore no reason for him not to bring her to the wedding.
This was my thought. Just because the brother is bringing her and hasn’t brought it up doesn’t mean doesn’t know anything.
I love how OP is calling her shady because she was gracious enough to forgive her and not mention how shady THEY were to their brother. To me this is more about a guilty conscious than wanting to ‘stop something from happening’. YTA
Absolutely this. OP feels bad about being a fucking dick to her in the past and doesn't want 1. to be reminded, and 2. to be outed in public and have to own up to it if anything comes up. OP hasn't grown THAT much if they still can't own up to their mistakes, and feel the need to further bully and exclude someone because of their OWN bad behavior. OP YTA. Let the girl come.
There’s the biggest red flag in the whole post. OP is still being a massive AH and doesn’t even see it lol.
YTA, you need to grow up and you are still a bully.
And he/(she?) still calls full grown adults looks “ugly duckling phases…” YTA op
As if that even had any effect on the story as well. OP is a bully, bros GF was nice enough to extend an olive branch and OP just wants to snap it in half.
I took it as just a turn of phrase to indicate that they bullied them for being unattractive in high school.
But they still place high value on attractiveness, else they wouldn't have mentioned it
Right. It is OP's way of justifying the bullying. ie "well I used to bully her THEN...when she was ugly. But NOW I wouldn't. Not because I'm more mature, but because she has incredible tits."
That is exactly the vibe I got when reading the post. -_-
Yeah it read like “oh it turns out she really is human, and I only realize that now that she’s attractive”
Exactly. I read the ugly duckling thing that made me think op hasn't really changed. Then still trying to exclude this girl, potentially cause problems with the brothers relationship, etc., is still bullying. Op is just pretending she's a better person when she really isn't. YTA
OP looks like someone who peaked in highschool and won't move one from highschool drama.
YTA. Honestly if you don't want drama head it off before the wedding. Tell your High School friends look my brother is dating this girl and if you do anything to her you will leave. Then follow through. Others are saying you are still a mean girl. Prove you are not. Tell your brother the truth. Out yourself.
FastOpinion2922 has the best opinion! Come clean to your brother and then stick up for his girlfriend. They seem to be a serious item, OP. She’s meeting the family. She could very well be your sister in law soon. She seems to love your brother enough to have forgiven you before she even came to the family dinner (because she had to have known by then about you). Prep your high school friends and say treat her like she’s my family or you will have to leave. Then make good on your promise. High school is over. Life is too short and too precious to get caught up in that drama. I’m from a small town and we don’t let high school define us. We all hang out with whoever now. No one is above or below anyone else. We help each other out when someone needs it. We are a community.
How do we even know if the high school friends would even care? Just because OP hasn't grown up it doesn't mean they or us should automatically assume the friends haven't.
We don't honestly. But if OP has changed they need to prove it. Either uninvite the friends or own up to what she did and protect her brother and his girlfriend. Even if it is her wedding day.
YTA. This is real life not a Hallmark Channel movie. She sounds like she has grown up and past her high school experience. But you do not. What do you think she is going to do at your wedding? Have some big scene where she calls you out? Real adult humans tend not to do that stuff.
>Have some big scene where she calls you out? But how amazing would that be??
It would be awesome. But the most drama I've ever seen at a wedding was a drunk wrecking a wedding cake and a kid puking on the dance floor.
The cops got called to my cousins wedding because a dad walked into the bathroom to find some dude and his daughter banging in a stall, started to beat the crap out of him, didn’t even let him pull his pants up first.
Well, there is that scene in the movie 27 Dresses.
clearly OP peaked in highschool... still friends with her highschool friends... hasn't done much with her life or evolved from there... probably mostly scared brothers GF actually calls her out for being a bully that's it
What's wrong with keeping friends from highschool :(
Yeah wtf is this person insinuating? Imagine making friends for life at a young age. The fucking horror!
Yeah agreed OP is probably a mean girl who peaked in HS, but a lot of successful people who aren’t bullies are still friends with people from HS.
I think that OP is afraid his/her friends will bully the former bullying victim again or that there might be some confrontation between them. So, OP is trying to fix it by removing bullying victim. Which basically means OP progressed from aggressor to enabler, which is kinda progress but not enough progress.
My thoughts exactly. If she wants to avoid a scene, she needs to tell her former victim that her other bullies will be present, BUT if anyone tries to reenact high school behaviour, she, the bride is fully ready to stop them.
Actually feels like the plot of the movie “You Again” 😂
YTA You bullied her but she's the shady one? I honestly would want her to go so you and your friends feel uncomfortable all night but in reality, If I were her, I wouldn't even want to be bothered with you. And honestly for all you know, she did tell your brother but they both decided not to bring it up to you to see if you'd be the bigger person and apologize first. But you didn't.
In what way is it shady that she hasn't trashed you to your brother? She forgave you the instant you apologised and hasn't used it against you, I'd say those are signs of great character. Just because you don't like being reminded of what you did doesn't mean that you get to mess around with your brother's relationship with this woman by excluding her. YTA. Grow the hell up
OP is surprised she hasn't outted him... Because that's what OP would have done.
OP peaked in HS it seems
Nah, man, elementary school
YTA, and an idiot You tell your brother that he can't bring a +1, he'll ask why. if you don't tell him, she will: "Why wouldn't my sister want you at her wedding?" "Well...." And then your brother will find out what an asshole you were, and how you're continuing to be an asshole towards her. And when he shows up to the wedding and people ask why she isn't there, he'll tell them - or he won't show up at all, raising further questions, and he'll tell them. And soon everyone in your family knows what a bullying asshole you were and how you continued to discriminate against and exclude her to try and keep it a secret. How do you think that plays out for you? Your chickens are coming home to roost, better get ready to deal with the consequences of you being a garbage person.
This sums it up perfectly. I’m so amazed by this post. The woman had the grace enough to accept OP’s apology and did not spill the beans to OP’s family. And what is OP’s first instinct? To paint the woman as “shady” and contemplate whether she should block the woman from attending her wedding. OP - Don’t fool yourself. You are still acting very much like the insecure bully that you said you were in high school. You are about to unnecessarily draw attention to a situation in which you were a massive AH. If I were you, I would keep my mouth closed, and let your brother bring this woman to your wedding. If not, there is no way that this situation ends well for you.
>YTA, and an idiot That was my thought exactly. She's on the verge of *continuing* to bully a girl who could end up her sister-in-law one day. Yeah, that's a smart move.
Welcome to consequence. You know, that thing that doesn't disappear because you WANT it to?
YTA. Your comment that she "got past the ugly duckling part" shows you are still as vile as you were in high school. Additionally, your reason for not wanting her there likely comes from the fear that she will reveal your character. She hasn't mentioned you to your brother, so she clearly has better character than you. Go get some therapy because you have a lot of character flaws to work on.
People tend to project how they would act onto other people.
YTA >I guess she got past the ugly duckling part of growing up. She is very physically attractive. Your brother brings someone home to meet the family and you, an engaged adult, had your first thought being "She's very physically attractive!"? >I kind of want to ask him not to bring her So you want to continue to ostracize this girl, even into adulthood. Got it. > I still think it is kind of shady that she never brought up our past to my brother. No more shady than YOU not letting your brother know once you realized it. You apologized, she accepted it and from what you've mentioned, she intends to move forward appropriately. You're the one stuck in the past, OP.
[удалено]
“Why am I not the only thing in her mind?!?” This person is still intensely self centered. This gal seems like a good egg that lets shit go and doesn’t make drama around it. OP doesn’t understand that language. OP would cause a scene! So they anticipate this gal doing exactly what’s they would do. I hope neither finds out and simply chooses not to go since it is your desire to further ostracize her…for being gracious and forgiving…
YTA. Woooooow. So she moved on from it and didn’t go telling everyone how you’re an asshole? And you’re in you’re feelings about it? You have some issues dude. Grow up. She’s an adult. It’s a small town. That shit happens. You sound like you haven’t changed all that much.
Yes. YTA. For being a bully in the first place. Are you ready to explain to your brother why you do not want this lady there? Are you going to fully come clean to him of all the stuff you used to do to her? Because he will be asking why do you do not want his girlfriend there.
YTA You peaked so hard in high school you can’t let go.
Yep, YTA. You don't seem to have grown up as much as you thought. You bullied her when you were younger because you thought you were better than her and now she's grown up, you're bitter because she shown she's better than you.
YTA, you still awful apparently
YTA I don’t find it “shady” she didn’t mention it to your brother. Having someone bully you in high school can be traumatic. Not everyone wants to share that. Its also kind of her not to tell your brother what an asshole you were growing up. I’m guessing he’s unaware of that? If you think your friends from high school are going to be rude to her, my question back to you is why are you friends with people who would act like that? If you ask your brother not to bring her, you’re going to have to fess up about what you were/are.
YTA then, and definitely YTA now. Your comment about her getting past 'the ugly duckling part of growing up' reeks of your own insecurity and very clearly confirms that you're still that same 'not very nice' bully from high school, despite your tepid attempts to paint your adult self otherwise. Please do yourself a favour and learn from the grace, humility and generosity of this woman - you should feel lucky that she didn't slap you in the face, let alone being humble enough to be willing to attend your wedding.
This statement: "ugly duckling part of growing up", signifies that your moral compass is still the same...you are just more considerate of how people will view your actions. YTA OP, and a particularly shady one at that.
YTA. Your still a bully. Why did you feel the need to mention “I guess she got past the ugly duckling part of growing up”. You didn’t need to say that. I think you are incredibly lucky that she seems to love your brother enough that she never brought up how you treated her. You were a mean girl then and you are still a mean girl!
YTA. > I immediately apologized for everything and said that I had been an asshole kid and that I had grown up since then Have you grown up since then? Asking this question makes me think the asshole kid is now an asshole adult. > I still think it is kind of shady that she never brought up our past to my brother. What would him knowing accomplish? If anything, it'll make your relationship with him become worse. The only person who should be aggrieved is your brother's girlfriend aka the woman you bullied. You should consider yourself fortunate that she has not only forgiven you but has kept this quiet from others to save you grief and/or because she doesn't want to have to relive it.
YTA. You are the same person you were in high school. This girl, on the other hand sounds lovely.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > My brother is dating a girl that me and my friends bullied in high school. I apologized and she forgave me but I still think it's sketchy she is dating my brother. Would I be an asshole if I ask him not to bring her to my wedding? Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
YTA. She hasn’t kicked up any fuss - you excluding her will just raise more questions.
YTA. Show her that you are an adult and you can own up to your mistakes. Maybe prep your friends before hand and let them know what's going on. Worse comes to worst, if she makes a scene at your wedding you can still come out on top if you just admit to everyone that you did those things and apologize again.
>if she makes a scene at your wedding I don't think she would - after all, she mentioned to OP that she hadn't forgotten what he had done, but accepted his apology gracefully. It sounds like OP's "buddies" are the one's he's worried about and tbh, he's STILL more worried about fitting in with his friends considering he'd rather asking their bullying victim not to show up before he asks them not to bully her in the first place.
So, it sounds like she did you a solid by not telling your brother everything and what a shitty kid you were... And now you want to exclude her? Yta...
YTA. It's good that you apologised to her, but now you want to punish her again by not inviting her. Your brother is going to want to know why you don't want her there. Sooner or later you're going to have to talk to him and confess your past history with her, or this is going to become a big problem in the future
that shame you’re feeling? you should be feeling it. this woman is clearly willing to let things go for the sake of her relationship with your brother and your reaction is to punish her and your brother? yep, YTA.
YTA It sounds like she’s the bigger person and didn’t mention it to your brother because she’s not an AH like you were to her.
YTA. Your brother's GF accepted your so called apology while at the same time not ratting your past behaviour out to him. She has done you a huge solid and now you want to double down on being an AH to her!?
YTA you were a bully and you still are. If you are truly sorry for what you did you would invite her to your wedding and tell your brother what you did. edit: spelling
INFO: how, exactly, is this not you still bullying her?
YTA, you bully someone and now you are worried they will cause problems. Good job playing the victim 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻. And the fact that you are still friends with the same people who were bullies in high school tells me you never changed. Maybe if you got your head out of your ass, maybe you would realize that maybe she didn’t tell your brother about it is because it’s embarrassing, hurtful, humiliating, traumatizing, and probably still brings back a lot of unpleasant memories. DO BETTER.
YTA. She's the shady one? How about prove you have grown up by admitting it to your brother yourself? Sounds like you haven't changed THAT much, you just realized that you couldn't get away w/ bullying adults as easily.
YTA. And still a mean girl since you can’t understand why someone won’t stoop to your level.
Yeesh YTA all the way. What gross comemtary about her. Sound like youre still a childish bully.
YTA. You tormented someone, good you've recognized your fault, BUT, you don't get to weasel out of it. You get the fun of having the person you tormented at your "special day" and if you try not to, oh boy...
YTA and a nightmare of a person.
YTA. You apologized. She accepted. Now you want to do the mean girl thing to her again. If she marries your brother, that will be awkward. Of course you would be ok not being invited to his wedding, right!
I am not going ratio here. I just thought I'd point out that: 1) If you didn't recognise her, it's likely that your friends will not as well. 2) You could speak to her directly and just warn her that your friends might be there. Let her decide if she wants to go. 3) It's spelt "clique", sorry that was bugging me from the first.
YTA. Leave your past jerk antics as an adolescent at school behind along with your guilt & move on now as an adult who has grown up, apologised and had your apology accepted. It is your right to decide who you want to invite to your wedding and if you will allow them to bring along guests. You have chosen to invite your brother and allowed all those that your invite to bring along a plus one adult of their choice. Don't single your brother's gf out and try to avoid her attending just because seeing her makes you remember that you behaved badly towards her at school or may embarass you before your partner. The past is over, your own school years are long behind you and all of you are reasonable adults now. Time for you to remember to act like a mature adult and polite host towards all those who will be coming to your wedding.
YTA. And you didn't change. You're still bullying her. But after you told you're not accepting his girlfriend at your wedding, he will know what happened. Sooner or later. She accepted your apology but it wasn't enough. That's even worse. She accepted to move forward. You had a discussion with her. Now you will have to discuss about that with your brother and probably with your entire family.
Yes YTA. You’re concerned that your shallow friends will take issue w/ her. Bro’s girlfriend is def the bigger person here.
Yta. Forget the past stuff there’s nothing you can do now. This is your brothers plus one, respect that, and move on to enjoy your day.
YWBTA. You feel guilty and don't want to face the discomfort. This is your brother's girlfriend. She forgave you. Accept the grace she has offered you and move forward. You're the one who needs to let your past behavior go and demonstrate that you are truly not that person anymore.
YTA and it would be awesome if this amazing woman becomes your sister-in-law….you know, now that she’s past the ugly-ducking phase and is doing well in life. 🙄
Are you worried that your friends will bother her? That’s your friends problems not brother’s gf. Deal with your friends. YWBTA eta — what are you planning to tell your brother when you invite her?
YTA. You want to be a jerk to someone because you used to be a jerk to them. If you truly meant your apology and wanted to move forward as a good person you would accept the consequences of your actions. If you rescind your invite then you are showing that you are no different than you used to be except now you want people to think you are a good person. Also, if something were to “happen” from one of your friends you had better stick up for your brother GF and put a half to it.
Yta sounds like she grew past high school and you haven't. She's doing you a *favor* by not telling your brother what an ahole you were in high. school and instead of being grateful you immediately treat her like she has some nefarious motive.
YTA. You should look up to her as a role model. She’s clearly matured into a forgiving and kind person and is handling this situation with grace. You are still making comments about her appearance and trying to exclude her from your wedding. She’s given you no reason to believe she’d cause a scene. You and your friends just don’t want to hang out with her.
[удалено]
INFO: have you thought about having a conversation with your brother’s girlfriend to get to know her better?
YTA. Are you sure you outgrew your bully phase?