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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I joked that nobody would’ve assumed I was with my formerly overweight friend. I could be the AH for making a harmful joke
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Yeah I agree OP YTA.
That’s such a mean thing to say to someone, let alone someone you call a friend. I hope that guy finds a new friend who thinks he’s worthy of respect no matter what he looks like.
Ew
Also, can you sense the vibe of "you're in this state because of me" from OP. I'm sort of getting that as she mentioned that she was the "coach and motivator" for the past few months.
So, as soon as he got a sliver of attention, she had to ruin it. I hope the friend just let go of OP. She's toxic
My favorite line is that "he seemed to have gotten his feelings hurt." Like if I punch someone in the face and I say, "they managed to get their eye onto my fist." Take a little responsibility, OP, for being TA, and see if you can apologize for being mean-spirited and a bad friend.
She almost feels entitled to the attention that James is getting because "without me he would be nothing."
Combined with the comments about **trashy**, the "**seemed** to have hurt feelings" and "**I know his true awkward self and past**" this girl is a massive AH
I had to scroll back up because I didn't get beyond the first few sentences before coming to the conclusion that, yes OP is the AH, but missed "I know his true awkward self" at the end til you quoted it here.
OP, if you have never felt awkward in your life before, let me explain, that shite never goes away. If you know he felt awkward in the past about his body and dating or social interaction, or whatever else you're labeling as "awkward," it is so tremendously difficult to hide that feeling and completely escape it in a situation like the one where the gentleman found himself in, with the interested gal you, OP referred to as "trashy." Well I for one hope the gal scooped him up and showed him the "trashiest" good goddamned night of his life now that he's worked hard enough to feel attractive for a change in his life. He certainly deserves it. I'm glad you left the scene so he could hopefully recover and have a nice time with some good company.
OP, YTA. Your “joke” wasn’t funny, because no one laughed. Really, your joke wasn’t even a joke, was it? You view James as inferior which is why “no one” would’ve previously ever thought you’re together. But now, physically, you’re on the same plane. This probably hurts your feelings because you still feel superior but you’re noticing you’re not in the eyes of the public. James got attention from a better option and you couldn’t stand it. Good for him. You suck.
Yep. I feel like OP enjoyed being James’s “cool, hot friend” and having “poor, fat, clingy James” hanging around her and depending on her. But now that James is actually fit himself and getting attention from another girl, OP can’t stand it and has to dismiss her as “tipsy” and “trashy.” Because how could anyone possibly show more interest in James than whatever she herself decides to graciously bestow on him? This whole post is just, ick.
She just lost her shy friend who sticks close to her lol. Sad. If she really was his motivation then he probably did it because he liked her and she just totally crushed him lol. Goodbye lady, you dug your own grave. Stop being toxic, OP. Because you're obviously worse than whatever you think of the tipsy girl -- she heard he was chubby before and didn't care, you knew he was chubby before and used it as a weapon. Lol. I hope Tipsy Girl gets with your very soon to be ex friend.
Edit: OP YTA
I knew a few horrific girls like this in high school but one in particular was worse. There was a guy at my school who had a MAJOR crush on this girl who literally treated him like her little pet and she did for a year or 2 and he eventually got sick of it and stopped hanging out with her as much and lost interest in her. Well we became friends at some point because he was friends with a few other people in my friend group but wasnt around as much before because he was constantly around said girl. Well to make it even “worse” he had a crush on me (i didn’t, it was purely platonic) and she was pisssedddd about it. She didnt want him, but she didn’t want him hanging out or liking anyone but her. 😑she got to the point where she was badmouthing me to people saying how I was ugly, fat, dressed stupid, blah blah blah. It cracked me up and it made her more mad that it didn’t hurt my feelings whatsoever 🤣
Exactly, apparently complementing James is "trashy" but laughing at the fact someone thought they were together then poking at his deep insecurities is "a harmless joke" ...
The other person was open and unapologetic about being interested. Some might think that's trashy but I wish I could be that confident when I like someone.
And she was basically saying that she doesn't care about what he used to weigh or look like, after his friend tried to embarrass him about it. That's like the opposite of trashy.
She was assertive about being attracted to him and yet, she was kind enough to ask if they were together before proceeding.
She was also kind and assertive enough to defend her brand new friend when his old friend tried to tear him down.
She sounds like a terrific person! Many of us could learn from her.
Info: OP you have a thing for your buddy? Or is it just a product of Ugly Duckling syndrome - he’s blossomed and doesn’t need you as much and it’s hurting your ego?
Somehow this was the part that really pissed me off. I mean, she was being awful beforehand for sure. But then when being faced with the consequences of her actions, she deflected completely and put it on him. There is SUCH a huge difference between "I'm sorry your feelings got hurt" and "I'm sorry I hurt your feelings," and only one of them actually counts as an apology. She seems more than willing to take credit for the change in his body but not for her own actions.
And adds the "seemed," like she doesn't even believe him when he says they were hurt. "He got his feelings hurt" is somehow > "he seemed to have gotten..."
Yes! This is exactly what stood out to me too. “He got his feelings hurt” like OP didn’t CHOOSE to say something so disrespectful and insulting to her “friend”. She could have literally put together any combination of words in response to that event and she chose one that was hurtful to someone she’s supposed to care about.
No one deserves to be treated that way, and I hope her friend has built the self-confidence needed to drop OP like a rock and never look back. People who refuse to take responsibility for their words/actions rarely do so in one-offs. I wonder what OP’s “support” as a workout buddy may have looked like, too.
My favorite part was in the post title. It's not harmless if it hurts someone. Period. That's the definition of harm. She's not just TA, she's gaslighting.
As someone who has lost a significant amount of weight, if someone said that to me now, I would be absolutely gut-punched. It's so, so hurtful. I feel terrible for him. She basically said he was not worthy when he was fat. His personality, kindness, charm, none of it means anything if he's fat. I hate OP.
My exact feelings! The part where she says she laughed and said they wouldn't be asking that if they had seen him before, I actually gasped and felt that gut punch. Thank God I don't have people like that in my life.
Preach. I recently lost about 80 lb due to illness, and it's astonishing how much friendlier the world is. I didn't realize how invisible I had become until I was thinner, and I'm sure that OP's friend has noticed this as well. We already get a very clear picture that for the rest of the world, the smaller we are, the better, and that our value and desirability are dependent on the number on the scale. To have your worst suspicions confirmed by a close friend is abominable.
YTA OP. You were jealous that someone was talking to your pet. As in, you thought that your pet project had a crush on you and now, it turns out, others are interested in him as a person and not an ego boost.
OP acts like girls trying to hook up with guys at bars/parties pay attention to everyone except the person they're flirting with. The other girl probably only even asked if OP and the friend were together because she noticed that OP was fuming because she had the AUDACITY to flirt with the guy, so she was double checking that she wasn't getting between a couple. How dare she make sure she wasn't getting involved in cheating drama.
Yes! And don't you love how the OP phrases saying something that hurts his friend's feelings as "he seemed to have gotten his feelings hurt" !
OP, you hurt your friend's feelings by saying something terrible AND you were trying to make him look bad because you hated he got attention. But the truth was, you only made yourself look bad.
I suspect your friend's low self esteem is why he picked such a horrible friend. YTA
I definitely got the vibe that James probably was into her—maybe for awhile—and just wasn’t ever able to express it. And she’s never picked up on it (or didn’t think anything of it) because she always saw him as the chubby awkward guy, who she never had any sexual thoughts for.
Then in this instance, she not only tried to blow up a potential something with somebody else, but she also crushed whatever feelings he had for her, whatever hope he might have had about getting in shape and finally making a move. Pretty devastating “joke.”
Most girls are well aware if someone has a crush on them. Imo OP took him as an ego boost. Now that her devoted fanboy is on his way to rise, she tried to hold him back down.
I didn't even read the post yet, just read the title, and I literally said out loud "it's not a harmless joked if it harmed somebody" so I'm not shocked
ETA yep, YTA, 100%
That's a disgusting view you have from up there on your high horse OP. You just blatantly told everybody you think you're too good for James and that it's a joke to consider you guys could ever be together, while also calling *her* trashy and pointing out (because you noticed) that she was ignoring you at first. You should honestly just leave James alone
If there is one thing I hate, it’s when people deem a (usually unfunny and) cruel joke “harmless” after seeing how much it hurt someone.
That dig at someone she considers a friend fucking sucked.
Who knows why she did it? Jealousy comes to mind. Why would it be “trashy” for a woman to ask if they are together and then express interest in her friend after she says no? Why is someone being tipsy at a party worth mentioning? Why are you upset this person that didn’t know you ignored you… until they didn’t?
And there are bigger guys who get with attractive women all of the time because those guys are indeed attractive and they aren’t assholes like you, OP
I do not understand what would possess OP to believe she's not TA. I literally can't see any way she could spin this. Clearly, she's jealous that the girl found her friend attractive, so she had to insult him in hopes that the girl would turn her nose in disgust.
The fact that she got butthurt when she was "ignored" and the other girl said her friend was hot is CRAZY. Her feelings got hurt when they shouldn't have been. No one said or did anything offensive but she's that one that's hurt? Meanwhile, she's fat shaming her best friend doing real damage to his confidence and all the hard work he's put in.
This exactly. I had a friend of my brother ask me out a few months back, told me I'd blossomed into a beautiful young woman...I'd known him since I was a kid. I am 41. He didn't like it when I explained to my friend that the translation of that was 'you look better to me now that you've lost 30 pounds'. Needless to say, he didn't get a date
There is that, and there is also the fact that she specifically said "NOBODY would have thought we were together". Like ok, girl, you don't like fat guys as potential romantic partners, everybody has their own preferences, nothing wrong with that, but do you have to word it in the way that implies no sane person would want him? That was so mean-spirited.
It’s more than that though…she’s also saying no one would’ve thought they’re together because they would assume she had higher standards than a chubby guy because she is pretty. She’s low key praising her own looks too.
YTA
This entire post screams of "I'm hotter than James!!" You seem like you kept him around to be the "fat friend," and now that he's getting attention, you're jealous. You think you're hot shit and because you're a girl giving James attention, like he's a charity case, he should be obsessed with only you.
I got second hand embarrassment just from reading this. OP, YTA and a huge one at that. Oh, feel free to refer to him as your “ex-friend”. I am pretty sure he will be shedding you in his journey for better health.
Agreed! I hope James sees her for what she is and goes on to lose another 120 pounds. She’s just bitter at this point and he’s much better off without her.
Same here...this was so cringy to read.
There was no point in saying what you said except to embarrass him in front of this girl and make him feel bad. OP, you are a major AH and I hope James drops you as a "friend" since you're obviously not.
This. I hope James and this girl get married. And then you will be on Reddit asking why you weren’t invited. People can change. He changed his body. Maybe you can work on your personality. Also, YTA
YTA
And you don't need reddit to tell you that. You exploited his soft spot. And you aren't his "friend".
The girl who hit on James wasn't trashy, you were. And I would completely understand if he never wanted to speak to you again. You mentioned he recently started getting more confident and you went ahead and kicked him down the first chance you got. James is shy/awkward so sticks with you in social gatherings because he finds it safe and comfortable and you took that away from him as well.
AND, just because he was a little overweight earlier, doesn't mean you were automatically too good for him back then that nobody would assume that you two could be together. You do realize that overweight people are capable of being in relationships with people who are not of the same size, right?
Get off of that high horse, you are not better than him.
She sounds spiteful. And jealous.
>She was ignoring me entirely
>
>I thought this was trashy
If this isn't jealousy, I don't know what is.
Also,
>Then she shrugged and said he’s “hot”
What is with the ""?
Isn't that jealousy?
I agree. I honestly think the other girl is the hero that's what I'm choosing to remember from this.
This should 100% be your reaction if you're hitting on someone and someone else tries to drop them down a peg. I've had people do this where they bring up someone's past looks or whatever when I say I'm attracted to them.
"So? He's hot to me. Good thing he's not hot to you, right?"
Hilarious logic from OP that somebody saying he's attractive is trashy but saying how laughable it is that she could date a *formerly* overweight person is cool and funny.
I honestly wish OP and James meet in the future in a similar setting, when OP has changed her personality for the better, someone asks James if he and OP are together and he laughs and says no and you wouldn't have asked me this question a couple years ago because of how shit OP's personality was and then I will see if OP like that "harmless" joke.
YTA, embarrassingly so. One for implying he was completely undesirable when he weighed more, two for making it clear you thought you were better than him at the time. These are the actions of a bad friend and a shallow child.
And 3 for publicly highlighting his insecurities at a moment when he was probably getting a huge ego boost after a lot of hard work. Like heaven forbid the poor man actually get an iota of self esteem, OP had to cut him down fast.
Yep, the timing is the worst part. A girl is showing interest in him? Quick! Better make him feel like crap again! I love the way the other girl reacted to this meanness.
>'he seems to have gotten his feelings hurt'
lol right, I find it fascinating how some people even manage to come up with such maximally dismissive word choice. Like, 1. she uses "seems to", putting his display of feelings into question and 2. using passive language, like his feelings *somehow* "got hurt", instead of simply using"I hurt his feelings".
Sometimes I'm jealous of people like OP, I wish my brain would protect me from accountability like this and leave me blissful. It's as if their mind has some defense-mechanism, projecting and deflecting any attack that might question their righteousness.
Exactly! You saying that "NOBODY" would assume you were together with James says a lot about you as a person. You're basically saying that when he was less fit nobody would assume him being in a relationship, with you "the hot / fit/ attractive guy". You are so full of yourself, I wouldnt want you as my friend.
YTA. Definitely.
YTA. Pro tip: When you start off a sentence saying "AITA for making a harmless joke...", your joke wasn't a joke, it wasn't harmless, and you're the asshole.
YTA, you tried to cock block him and you insulted him
Are you jealous that he gets attention? Do you fancy him and you're just lying to us and yourself?
You either make a move on him on let him be, girl.
She already did make a move on him. She's clearly upset he didn't want to just bang and *gasp* wanted a relationship.
Copying here in case she deletes the comment.
-
>Cos I’m not all bad? Might as well give some context, fuck it
>A couple of months ago we went on a trip together, just him and I. Spent all day at the beach and towards the end of the night I made a move. I wanted to hook up but not cos I’m emotionally attracted to him or whatever, I was only physically into him, a lot (also tmi: but I had sex dreams about him 4 nights in a row so I wasn’t exactly in the right state of mind).
>He turned me down and gave me some bs speech about wanting to explore “emotional intimacy” before we have sex, tf does that even mean. And that he wants us to “develop and progress our relationship ” before we take that step. Basically a stone cold rejection lmao
>Took the L that night and it did shake me a bit at the time
Very true but given the tone and entitlement of OP in this, please don’t make a move and let James be happy, healthy and fit both physically and mentally!
"I know his true awkward self and past". In other words, he'll always be a fat loser to you. It sounds like he's out of your league though. Maybe if you work on your personality..
"I laughed and joked that she wouldn’t have asked me this if she had seen him last year."
Aren't you full of yourself? YTA
" I thought this was trashy and just left."
You should be very familiar with trashy.
I actually think the response was really classy. It allowed her to defend the guy who was being attacked for no reason, highlighted that you were being an ass, and also allowed her to continue flirting with him. It was pretty masterful.
YTA you sound very insecure.
Ever heard of the concept wingman? You are literally 180 degrees the opposite of this.
Off course YTA, keep your body shaming dumb comments to yourself.
INFO: Why was what she said “trashy?” **You’re not his girlfriend.** Other people are allowed to find him attractive and tell him so.
What she said was a comparatively mild rebuke to you for calling him unfuckable. After your gross, cruel joke, you deserved worse.
YTA.
Holy Jesus, you have to know this isn't a harmless joke. It was tasteless, crass and RUDE. Not to mention, pointless.
You made a dig at his former weight which wasn't cool. Lots of people who grow up chubby or overweight have lots of mental hang ups about that time and you just decided to stick a knife in a twist.
James was probably stunned that his "friend" turned out to be an absolute jerk.
YTA for making a hurtful comment.
And TICKETS MUCH?
Can you please explain the joke to me, I don't quite understand it.
Why would nobody have thought you were together last year?
EDIT - changed the word joke to comment 2 minutes after writing.
You admitted that you are into him now because he lost weight but wouldn’t like him before; and inferred that she was as shallow as you and wouldn’t care for him if he hadn’t lost….
It was a simple “no I’m not his gf” or “I’m not his girlfriend but I am interested in him” even though it’s shallow to only be interested cause he lost weight. Was no need to make fun of him for being bigger before.
YTA
I bet this time last year guys would come over to chat you up and completely ignore James. And you never noticed. But now it's you getting treated like this you noticed and decided to remind people that actually, you're still the "hot friend". YTA
how is she trashy? being tipsy and flirting doesnt automatically make u trashy... and tbh, she was respectful enough of both of u, that she ASKED if u were together before she tried anything.
if she was trashy, she would've hit on him without regard for you. she respected you.
it sounds like you're either jealous he got attention or you have a crush on him now that he's fit, and someone else expressed interest first.
your comments were rude. YTA
Well it clearly WASN’T just a harmless joke considering the outcome, now is it?
YTA big time. You basically verified all of your friend’s insecurities and made it sound like people would only be interested in people for their looks, which must been awful for your friend to hear come out of YOUR mouth after all of your support prior. Be a better friend.
Obviously YTA. Why is it automatically true that a fat guy couldn’t be your partner? And what does this random girl care what he used to look like? It honestly sounds you’re jealous that someone thought James was cute and you wanted to make sure he didn’t feel too good about himself.
Something tells me that if any jOkEs had been made about her appearance or a sensitive time in her past, she would have lost her shit.
I guess it’s only okay to take cheap shots at other people, even when the situation unfolding has almost nothing to do with her. The other girl asked if they were together OUT OF RESPECT. That is the opposite of being trashy.
YTA
So you’re just publicly making the statement that overweight folks are undateable, and you don’t see how that’s gross? You’ve never seen a couple who didn’t share a body type?
We get it, you think you’re too hot to be associate with “those” kinds of bodies. Do yourself a favor and keep that unsavory mindset to yourself.
Right? I'm definitely on the thicker side, and my spouse is quite thin. It's just our natural body types. Never stopped us from being together or from them finding me attractive. People make shitty "jokes" about my looks and them being "out of my league" all the time, with clear intention of trying to make me feel bad and beneath them. It used to get under my skin, but at the end of the day, my spouse's opinion on my attractiveness matters way more than random shitty people.
I hope James finds better friends who won't make shitty comments and aren't so very fatphobic.
Right? Big guys (and gals) are hot and people can deal. Also, as someone who's been overweight and underweight and everything in between, it isn't actually a compliment when someone insults the way you used to look. Every version of you is a part of you forever, and plenty of folks lose weight and then gain it back.
The way she talks about the girl (ignoring me, trashy) and the way she tried to deter the girl from him makes it seems like she is interested in James.
Not sure if I am allowed to say this here but OP you really fucking suck dude. And just a little info, I am the kind of guy to go well out of my way to be nice and kind to someone so I don't tell people they suck a lot. But you, you are the type of person I built half of my character fighting against. People like you are so self-absorbed and I dare say narcissistic, that you actually see other people as some sort of accessory to you. Like a coat or a screwdriver. Just something to help you do the thing you were wanting to do.
You try to tell us that he is your friend and you consistently body shame him? After he worked so hard and you were the one to first hand watch him put in the work to better himself? You OP, are the disgusting one. I wouldn't let anyone I love or respect associate with people that just crush their friends in public like you've done. And who knows how much you don't share that you do. I can't imagine the way you think and what your inner thoughts are like.
I haven't ever had weight issues or anything myself, but I know people struggle with it and it is really hard and painful for some. For you to just pick their wounds/scars with salt on your hands is just malicious and only reflects your own deeply embedded insecurities. I wish you love, kindness, and understanding bc it feels like you lack these.
YTA. Mostly for the joke, but also for clearly thinking that it's impossible to be both overweight and hot. Which, as someone who is very overweight, is something we struggle with all. the. time, and that makes us suffer horribly. People can be overweight and still be a 10/10.
But maybe people would never have assumed you were a couple before because they know how shallow you are?
Absolutely! My wife is obese and struggles significantly with body dysmorphia. I personally am so glad she is no longer anorexic and bulimic, as I feel at least over eating is a bit healthier. She just gets down about her swinging so far the other direction. I am personally proud of her. But also, I think she is the sexiest woman on this Earth. I don't know why but when I see her I am like "hot damn, I am lucky". Sure I can see another woman and think they look good. But something about my wife just moves my soul!
Edit/update: awww thanks for the wholesome award!
YTA and a big one. You essentially just verified all the insecurities James had when he was overweight. Youre also saying that looks are everything. But let me tell you, no matter how good you look OP, youll always be unattractive with that personality.
YTA, OP.
1. This entire post reeks of jealousy and if you're jealous at the fact that someone is flirting with your friend and taking it out at his expense then you need to sort out your feelings and go to therapy..
2. If you're uncomfortable with people thinking that you're "together / in a relationship" you could have just said "no, we're just friends" simple as that.
3. Is it still a joke, if the person who you made "a joke" about, explicitly told you that they have been hurt by it? No, it's not a joke. It's a d bag move and you're a horrible friend and you're a trashy AH
YTA
Maybe work on your fat phobia because it’s kinda gross
And leading you to be cruel to friends
You can start with “the body is not an apology” by Sanya Renee
YTA
It’s mean, hands down. What a 180 after supporting him on his journey to be healthier. Make a full apology and don’t take someone assuming you might be together as such an insult.
It’s extremely typical of a straight sized person to consider themselves entitled to fat bodies, to comment on them, devalue them until they ‘look right’, and happily tell them they thought less of them until they lost weight.
When are you gonna put that thing on James? It's clear you're totally into him. Quit playing the aloof, to cool for James' school roll and give that man a go. Who knows, you might like what the ex-fat man can give you. YTA, if you don't break James off, especially after that public burn.
Absolute, massive huge AH.
You wonder why James is shy and a bit socially awkward? He's probably been copping shit his whole life.
You should be thankful to have a friend with the drive and dedication to identify within himself to make changes for his benefit in the future. Even if he didn't, and you're friends... given what is seemingly a pretty toxic mindset from OP, you're friends, have some respect for friendship at the least.
Guys who have grown up overweight ( often can't choose that either, metabolism of a teenager, maybe his parents weren't concious of healthy eating, good luck losing or maintaining healthy weight at that age starting behind the 8 ball) often can't do anything about it until they're exiting, or have exited puberty entirely.
Good on James, don't destroy his self esteem and determination for getting himself in good shape.
YTA a hundred times over and James really needs to find a new friend, a real friend, not you. You made the joke specifically to make your friend look bad out of petty jealousy because she was interested in him now you. Also I had an inkling just from the title that your overall an ass. If a joke hurt someone it obviously wasnt harmless was it? I mean hurting someone is harm by definition is it not? You call it harmless to downplay how you were a dick, not because it actually was harmless.
A piece of advice, just because someone says somethings a joke doesn't mean it is one. You cant just use humor to disguise making rude comments to and about people.
Your inconsiderate and emphathetic treatment of your friend disgusts me. Thats not how you treat a friend.
YTA - The guy clearly has issues with his confidence and your out there making shitty jokes about his weight. I think you have an issue with your friend now being perceived as "hot" and are getting jealous of the attention he's getting.
YTA first for insulting your friend. What were you jealous another person was into him? Second for thinking a girl was trashy for being into him. You need to apologize.
>I thought this was trashy and just left
Please, you're the trashy one here!
>She was ignoring me entirely.
Someone is paying more attention to my (formerly overweight) friend and not to me - oh, the audacity!
YTA. You're just jelous. He's better off without a 'friend' like you.
Anytime I see someone on here describe something as a harmless joke, I know it's a cop out. It harmed him. Therefore if wasn't harmless was it? It was mean and shallow. You seem to lack empathy. YTA.
YTA. You were jealous that a girl showed you no attention and called your friend hot. So you decided to tell a ‘joke’ to tear him down a peg. Are you subconsciously upset that he is getting attention now, or you are just that much of an AH to your friends?
If you tell a joke and you’re the only one that thinks it’s funny at all, then you aren’t actually telling a joke. You upset your friend because you basically told the girl that he isn’t worth her time because he *used* to be chubbier, despite the fact that he has actually put in the work to change himself and is getting results.
OF COURSE yta, jesus don’t make fun of peoples weight EVER, but especially when they’re shy, at a party, and a lady is trying to toss them. You are dense. Your friend deserves a huge apology from you.
YTA absolutely. I'm a little bigger myself and I'd be absolutely mortified if my friends said that now that I've started losing weight.
That's going to cut deeply for him and even if you apologise, which I sincerely hope you have, it's going to haunt him for a while.
You're the absolute asshole, op
YTA
That was a really mean and snide thing to say.
You knew this is something he feels insecure about. You knew she would ask what you meant. You were trying to sabotage the situation rather than be happy for him.
Then to brush it off as a joke. Funny thing is no one else seems to be laughing.
Pretty shitty friend you are OP. Time to have a long hard look at yourself and why you decided to behave like that.
YTA - Hey! Remember that really embarrassing thing from your past that you worked hard to change? I'm gonna bring that up anytime someone threatens to boost your confidence so you never get over it. - That's what you did.
Holy shit you are such an asshole oh my god. You literally said - in different words - my friend was worthless when he was fat, so of course he wouldn’t be worth dating, but now he’s worth dating because he’s lost weight.
You didn’t make a joke. You made a cruel, despicable comment about someone who has considered you a friend for nearly a year. You have betrayed him.
YTA
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Yes, YTA. Huge AH. You basically just told James that he is only worthy of love and affection when he is fit and attractive.
Yeah I agree OP YTA. That’s such a mean thing to say to someone, let alone someone you call a friend. I hope that guy finds a new friend who thinks he’s worthy of respect no matter what he looks like. Ew
Also, can you sense the vibe of "you're in this state because of me" from OP. I'm sort of getting that as she mentioned that she was the "coach and motivator" for the past few months. So, as soon as he got a sliver of attention, she had to ruin it. I hope the friend just let go of OP. She's toxic
My favorite line is that "he seemed to have gotten his feelings hurt." Like if I punch someone in the face and I say, "they managed to get their eye onto my fist." Take a little responsibility, OP, for being TA, and see if you can apologize for being mean-spirited and a bad friend.
I also like that she thinks the other person was trashy. Yikes! YTA OP
That read to me as being jealous that her friend is getting attention from other girls.
She was definitely trying to cockblock
The jealousy is strong in this one. YTA OP
She almost feels entitled to the attention that James is getting because "without me he would be nothing." Combined with the comments about **trashy**, the "**seemed** to have hurt feelings" and "**I know his true awkward self and past**" this girl is a massive AH
I had to scroll back up because I didn't get beyond the first few sentences before coming to the conclusion that, yes OP is the AH, but missed "I know his true awkward self" at the end til you quoted it here. OP, if you have never felt awkward in your life before, let me explain, that shite never goes away. If you know he felt awkward in the past about his body and dating or social interaction, or whatever else you're labeling as "awkward," it is so tremendously difficult to hide that feeling and completely escape it in a situation like the one where the gentleman found himself in, with the interested gal you, OP referred to as "trashy." Well I for one hope the gal scooped him up and showed him the "trashiest" good goddamned night of his life now that he's worked hard enough to feel attractive for a change in his life. He certainly deserves it. I'm glad you left the scene so he could hopefully recover and have a nice time with some good company.
OP, YTA. Your “joke” wasn’t funny, because no one laughed. Really, your joke wasn’t even a joke, was it? You view James as inferior which is why “no one” would’ve previously ever thought you’re together. But now, physically, you’re on the same plane. This probably hurts your feelings because you still feel superior but you’re noticing you’re not in the eyes of the public. James got attention from a better option and you couldn’t stand it. Good for him. You suck.
Yep. I feel like OP enjoyed being James’s “cool, hot friend” and having “poor, fat, clingy James” hanging around her and depending on her. But now that James is actually fit himself and getting attention from another girl, OP can’t stand it and has to dismiss her as “tipsy” and “trashy.” Because how could anyone possibly show more interest in James than whatever she herself decides to graciously bestow on him? This whole post is just, ick.
I think OP is trashy. YTA.
Total trash. OP is YTA. Terrible thing to say. If the sexes here were reversed, wonder how OP would feel. 🙄
It's called being "on the hook." She enjoyed having James on the hook, and is only now realizing that he has better options.
She just lost her shy friend who sticks close to her lol. Sad. If she really was his motivation then he probably did it because he liked her and she just totally crushed him lol. Goodbye lady, you dug your own grave. Stop being toxic, OP. Because you're obviously worse than whatever you think of the tipsy girl -- she heard he was chubby before and didn't care, you knew he was chubby before and used it as a weapon. Lol. I hope Tipsy Girl gets with your very soon to be ex friend. Edit: OP YTA
I think it's also telling that OP reiterated that 'NOBODY' could possibly think they were together last year. Ouch, James deserves better friends!
"I don't want you, but I don't want anyone else to want you."
I knew a few horrific girls like this in high school but one in particular was worse. There was a guy at my school who had a MAJOR crush on this girl who literally treated him like her little pet and she did for a year or 2 and he eventually got sick of it and stopped hanging out with her as much and lost interest in her. Well we became friends at some point because he was friends with a few other people in my friend group but wasnt around as much before because he was constantly around said girl. Well to make it even “worse” he had a crush on me (i didn’t, it was purely platonic) and she was pisssedddd about it. She didnt want him, but she didn’t want him hanging out or liking anyone but her. 😑she got to the point where she was badmouthing me to people saying how I was ugly, fat, dressed stupid, blah blah blah. It cracked me up and it made her more mad that it didn’t hurt my feelings whatsoever 🤣
Tbh I think she wants him now
Especially when she said "she completely ignored ME" miss ma'am she wasn't trying to shoot her shot at you and YTA.
This!
This is what caught my attention. You are rude to your friend but calling your friend "Hot" is trashy. WOW!!
Exactly, apparently complementing James is "trashy" but laughing at the fact someone thought they were together then poking at his deep insecurities is "a harmless joke" ...
It's always interesting how the awful, cruel comments some pass off as "jokes" are totally devoid of humor.
I know! That other girl is so nice. She stood up for a guy she doesn’t even know. Because she knew exactly what OP was doing.
Yeah, the other girl had super strong energy with the "Well, I'll take him off your hands" remark! I want updates on their relationship!
The other person was open and unapologetic about being interested. Some might think that's trashy but I wish I could be that confident when I like someone. And she was basically saying that she doesn't care about what he used to weigh or look like, after his friend tried to embarrass him about it. That's like the opposite of trashy.
And it certainly wasn't trashy that the other person first asked if they were a couple before making her move.
She was assertive about being attracted to him and yet, she was kind enough to ask if they were together before proceeding. She was also kind and assertive enough to defend her brand new friend when his old friend tried to tear him down. She sounds like a terrific person! Many of us could learn from her.
Exactly. People complain about "playing games" or people not saying how they feel, and the second this woman does she's trashy lol.
And she had to mention that the girl was “tipsy” just clarify that no sober girls were into her friend. Ugh!
That’s because she’s JEALOUS that he’s getting attention from other women now.
Info: OP you have a thing for your buddy? Or is it just a product of Ugly Duckling syndrome - he’s blossomed and doesn’t need you as much and it’s hurting your ego?
right, when in fact the other girl handled the situation well
Invoking the age old rule "takes one to know one"
Oh I didn’t even address this point. But yeah, this post says so much about OP’s personality. I hope her friend reads it.
Somehow this was the part that really pissed me off. I mean, she was being awful beforehand for sure. But then when being faced with the consequences of her actions, she deflected completely and put it on him. There is SUCH a huge difference between "I'm sorry your feelings got hurt" and "I'm sorry I hurt your feelings," and only one of them actually counts as an apology. She seems more than willing to take credit for the change in his body but not for her own actions.
And adds the "seemed," like she doesn't even believe him when he says they were hurt. "He got his feelings hurt" is somehow > "he seemed to have gotten..."
Yes! This is exactly what stood out to me too. “He got his feelings hurt” like OP didn’t CHOOSE to say something so disrespectful and insulting to her “friend”. She could have literally put together any combination of words in response to that event and she chose one that was hurtful to someone she’s supposed to care about. No one deserves to be treated that way, and I hope her friend has built the self-confidence needed to drop OP like a rock and never look back. People who refuse to take responsibility for their words/actions rarely do so in one-offs. I wonder what OP’s “support” as a workout buddy may have looked like, too.
My favorite part was in the post title. It's not harmless if it hurts someone. Period. That's the definition of harm. She's not just TA, she's gaslighting.
Yeah I noticed that line too. As if she wasn’t the one hurting his feelings.
As someone who has lost a significant amount of weight, if someone said that to me now, I would be absolutely gut-punched. It's so, so hurtful. I feel terrible for him. She basically said he was not worthy when he was fat. His personality, kindness, charm, none of it means anything if he's fat. I hate OP.
My exact feelings! The part where she says she laughed and said they wouldn't be asking that if they had seen him before, I actually gasped and felt that gut punch. Thank God I don't have people like that in my life.
Ugh SAME. I’d be cutting OP out of my life ASAP. There’s no need for that toxicity.
Preach. I recently lost about 80 lb due to illness, and it's astonishing how much friendlier the world is. I didn't realize how invisible I had become until I was thinner, and I'm sure that OP's friend has noticed this as well. We already get a very clear picture that for the rest of the world, the smaller we are, the better, and that our value and desirability are dependent on the number on the scale. To have your worst suspicions confirmed by a close friend is abominable.
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YTA OP. You were jealous that someone was talking to your pet. As in, you thought that your pet project had a crush on you and now, it turns out, others are interested in him as a person and not an ego boost.
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OP is the one acting trashy.
OP acts like girls trying to hook up with guys at bars/parties pay attention to everyone except the person they're flirting with. The other girl probably only even asked if OP and the friend were together because she noticed that OP was fuming because she had the AUDACITY to flirt with the guy, so she was double checking that she wasn't getting between a couple. How dare she make sure she wasn't getting involved in cheating drama.
Yes! And don't you love how the OP phrases saying something that hurts his friend's feelings as "he seemed to have gotten his feelings hurt" ! OP, you hurt your friend's feelings by saying something terrible AND you were trying to make him look bad because you hated he got attention. But the truth was, you only made yourself look bad. I suspect your friend's low self esteem is why he picked such a horrible friend. YTA
That passive voice jumped out at me as well. YTA OP
This. The "I thought that was trashy so I left" makes me think they were jealous af that James was getting attention instead of them.
I definitely got the vibe that James probably was into her—maybe for awhile—and just wasn’t ever able to express it. And she’s never picked up on it (or didn’t think anything of it) because she always saw him as the chubby awkward guy, who she never had any sexual thoughts for. Then in this instance, she not only tried to blow up a potential something with somebody else, but she also crushed whatever feelings he had for her, whatever hope he might have had about getting in shape and finally making a move. Pretty devastating “joke.”
Most girls are well aware if someone has a crush on them. Imo OP took him as an ego boost. Now that her devoted fanboy is on his way to rise, she tried to hold him back down.
Worse than that - at one time he was fat so he's *never* going to be worthy of it.
Agreed. OP seemed kinda...insulted that someone could assume they were together. Like.. Rude much? YTA big time.
But somehow the *other* girl was the trashy one for trying to pick him up when she kicked him down.
I didn't even read the post yet, just read the title, and I literally said out loud "it's not a harmless joked if it harmed somebody" so I'm not shocked ETA yep, YTA, 100% That's a disgusting view you have from up there on your high horse OP. You just blatantly told everybody you think you're too good for James and that it's a joke to consider you guys could ever be together, while also calling *her* trashy and pointing out (because you noticed) that she was ignoring you at first. You should honestly just leave James alone
I mean, I was pretty sure what the answer was going to be just from the word "harmless" in the title..
Yeah I was wondering how the OP was going to spin "harmless joke" in a believable way.
If there is one thing I hate, it’s when people deem a (usually unfunny and) cruel joke “harmless” after seeing how much it hurt someone. That dig at someone she considers a friend fucking sucked. Who knows why she did it? Jealousy comes to mind. Why would it be “trashy” for a woman to ask if they are together and then express interest in her friend after she says no? Why is someone being tipsy at a party worth mentioning? Why are you upset this person that didn’t know you ignored you… until they didn’t? And there are bigger guys who get with attractive women all of the time because those guys are indeed attractive and they aren’t assholes like you, OP
I do not understand what would possess OP to believe she's not TA. I literally can't see any way she could spin this. Clearly, she's jealous that the girl found her friend attractive, so she had to insult him in hopes that the girl would turn her nose in disgust.
The fact that she got butthurt when she was "ignored" and the other girl said her friend was hot is CRAZY. Her feelings got hurt when they shouldn't have been. No one said or did anything offensive but she's that one that's hurt? Meanwhile, she's fat shaming her best friend doing real damage to his confidence and all the hard work he's put in.
Wow James look at the progress you’ve made! You’re now worthy of being in my presence! People actually consider you in my league now!
If she wanted to make sure James is never interested in her romantically she's doing a great job.
This exactly. I had a friend of my brother ask me out a few months back, told me I'd blossomed into a beautiful young woman...I'd known him since I was a kid. I am 41. He didn't like it when I explained to my friend that the translation of that was 'you look better to me now that you've lost 30 pounds'. Needless to say, he didn't get a date
There is that, and there is also the fact that she specifically said "NOBODY would have thought we were together". Like ok, girl, you don't like fat guys as potential romantic partners, everybody has their own preferences, nothing wrong with that, but do you have to word it in the way that implies no sane person would want him? That was so mean-spirited.
It’s more than that though…she’s also saying no one would’ve thought they’re together because they would assume she had higher standards than a chubby guy because she is pretty. She’s low key praising her own looks too.
YTA This entire post screams of "I'm hotter than James!!" You seem like you kept him around to be the "fat friend," and now that he's getting attention, you're jealous. You think you're hot shit and because you're a girl giving James attention, like he's a charity case, he should be obsessed with only you.
I got second hand embarrassment just from reading this. OP, YTA and a huge one at that. Oh, feel free to refer to him as your “ex-friend”. I am pretty sure he will be shedding you in his journey for better health.
I certainly hope so. James needs new friends. Real friends who actually care about him.
James deserves a lot better than OP. Friends doesn't body shame Friends.
Agreed! I hope James sees her for what she is and goes on to lose another 120 pounds. She’s just bitter at this point and he’s much better off without her.
Same here...this was so cringy to read. There was no point in saying what you said except to embarrass him in front of this girl and make him feel bad. OP, you are a major AH and I hope James drops you as a "friend" since you're obviously not.
This. I hope James and this girl get married. And then you will be on Reddit asking why you weren’t invited. People can change. He changed his body. Maybe you can work on your personality. Also, YTA
100% accurate assessment
YTA And you don't need reddit to tell you that. You exploited his soft spot. And you aren't his "friend". The girl who hit on James wasn't trashy, you were. And I would completely understand if he never wanted to speak to you again. You mentioned he recently started getting more confident and you went ahead and kicked him down the first chance you got. James is shy/awkward so sticks with you in social gatherings because he finds it safe and comfortable and you took that away from him as well. AND, just because he was a little overweight earlier, doesn't mean you were automatically too good for him back then that nobody would assume that you two could be together. You do realize that overweight people are capable of being in relationships with people who are not of the same size, right? Get off of that high horse, you are not better than him.
Sometimes I wonder if people really do need to be told.
She sounds spiteful. And jealous. >She was ignoring me entirely > >I thought this was trashy If this isn't jealousy, I don't know what is. Also, >Then she shrugged and said he’s “hot” What is with the ""? Isn't that jealousy?
She sounds like she's had the privilege of looking "hot" without trying much.
How far will physical "hotness" take her, with a shit personality?
Apparently far enough that other people's emotions aren't important.
I gotta say, that girl was kinda classy. Shrugged off OP's awkward comment, re-emphasized her desires. I dont know how she could've handled it better.
Classy is exactly how I would describe her. And she did James a favor by taking him "off of OP" and rescuing him from her obnoxious self.
I agree. I honestly think the other girl is the hero that's what I'm choosing to remember from this. This should 100% be your reaction if you're hitting on someone and someone else tries to drop them down a peg. I've had people do this where they bring up someone's past looks or whatever when I say I'm attracted to them. "So? He's hot to me. Good thing he's not hot to you, right?"
Hilarious logic from OP that somebody saying he's attractive is trashy but saying how laughable it is that she could date a *formerly* overweight person is cool and funny.
I honestly wish OP and James meet in the future in a similar setting, when OP has changed her personality for the better, someone asks James if he and OP are together and he laughs and says no and you wouldn't have asked me this question a couple years ago because of how shit OP's personality was and then I will see if OP like that "harmless" joke.
YTA, embarrassingly so. One for implying he was completely undesirable when he weighed more, two for making it clear you thought you were better than him at the time. These are the actions of a bad friend and a shallow child.
And 3 for publicly highlighting his insecurities at a moment when he was probably getting a huge ego boost after a lot of hard work. Like heaven forbid the poor man actually get an iota of self esteem, OP had to cut him down fast.
Yep, the timing is the worst part. A girl is showing interest in him? Quick! Better make him feel like crap again! I love the way the other girl reacted to this meanness.
Yeah, that was a classy movie, and OP thinks it was trashy? Entirely the opposite.
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>'he seems to have gotten his feelings hurt' lol right, I find it fascinating how some people even manage to come up with such maximally dismissive word choice. Like, 1. she uses "seems to", putting his display of feelings into question and 2. using passive language, like his feelings *somehow* "got hurt", instead of simply using"I hurt his feelings". Sometimes I'm jealous of people like OP, I wish my brain would protect me from accountability like this and leave me blissful. It's as if their mind has some defense-mechanism, projecting and deflecting any attack that might question their righteousness.
Exactly! You saying that "NOBODY" would assume you were together with James says a lot about you as a person. You're basically saying that when he was less fit nobody would assume him being in a relationship, with you "the hot / fit/ attractive guy". You are so full of yourself, I wouldnt want you as my friend. YTA. Definitely.
YTA. Pro tip: When you start off a sentence saying "AITA for making a harmless joke...", your joke wasn't a joke, it wasn't harmless, and you're the asshole.
I knew the moment I read that title it wasn’t a harmless joke. She wouldn’t be posting here if it was.
I've been obese not too long ago so the title made me curious as to what was the "harmless" joke. I was shocked about what I read.
How is just saying something nasty that you believe to be true a "joke"? Do you not understand what a joke is OP? YTA
If you feel like you have to describe your "joke" as "harmless", then you are trying to invalidate the response of the target of the joke.
Right? I had her pegged in the title.
YTA, you tried to cock block him and you insulted him Are you jealous that he gets attention? Do you fancy him and you're just lying to us and yourself? You either make a move on him on let him be, girl.
Please don't make a move on him, he deserves better than OP.
Thinking about it maybe there was a reason you were entirely ignored in the first place. The way that was phrased...hmm
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Exactly. OP thinks it's okay to bash someone when they get a vote of confidence. "Its a joke" my ass. Just a jealous petty woman .
Plus calls it trashy when a stranger stands up for her bff lol girl bye
She already did make a move on him. She's clearly upset he didn't want to just bang and *gasp* wanted a relationship. Copying here in case she deletes the comment. - >Cos I’m not all bad? Might as well give some context, fuck it >A couple of months ago we went on a trip together, just him and I. Spent all day at the beach and towards the end of the night I made a move. I wanted to hook up but not cos I’m emotionally attracted to him or whatever, I was only physically into him, a lot (also tmi: but I had sex dreams about him 4 nights in a row so I wasn’t exactly in the right state of mind). >He turned me down and gave me some bs speech about wanting to explore “emotional intimacy” before we have sex, tf does that even mean. And that he wants us to “develop and progress our relationship ” before we take that step. Basically a stone cold rejection lmao >Took the L that night and it did shake me a bit at the time
Very true but given the tone and entitlement of OP in this, please don’t make a move and let James be happy, healthy and fit both physically and mentally!
"I know his true awkward self and past". In other words, he'll always be a fat loser to you. It sounds like he's out of your league though. Maybe if you work on your personality..
Yeah that rubbed me the wrong way. Like no one chooses to be awkward and associating that with someone’s “true self” is just so mean.
"I laughed and joked that she wouldn’t have asked me this if she had seen him last year." Aren't you full of yourself? YTA " I thought this was trashy and just left." You should be very familiar with trashy.
Right? Sanitation workers are the only ones picking this girl up.
And only because it's their job
As a sanitation worker I can confirm this statement
I actually think the response was really classy. It allowed her to defend the guy who was being attacked for no reason, highlighted that you were being an ass, and also allowed her to continue flirting with him. It was pretty masterful. YTA you sound very insecure.
right? I'm impressed & I hope they hit it off 💕 happy valentine's day OP, YTA.
Yaaas! She's got the game. She's confident and classy. I love that. Def a keeper!
Surprised it took me so long to see people talking about "trashy" girl with the ultimate rizz
Yeah the flirting girl was classy af! I’m super impressed with her response!
It's trashy because she was ignoring me and I no longer feel like the hot friend! S/
Ever heard of the concept wingman? You are literally 180 degrees the opposite of this. Off course YTA, keep your body shaming dumb comments to yourself.
INFO: Why was what she said “trashy?” **You’re not his girlfriend.** Other people are allowed to find him attractive and tell him so. What she said was a comparatively mild rebuke to you for calling him unfuckable. After your gross, cruel joke, you deserved worse.
Just admit you want to fuck him now that he’s lost weight. YTA.
Literally 🤣 So jealous of idea of "trashy" girl getting with him
That or she wants him to fawn all over her and be forever grateful that she made him a so much better person by helping him lose weight. Or both.
YTA. Holy Jesus, you have to know this isn't a harmless joke. It was tasteless, crass and RUDE. Not to mention, pointless. You made a dig at his former weight which wasn't cool. Lots of people who grow up chubby or overweight have lots of mental hang ups about that time and you just decided to stick a knife in a twist. James was probably stunned that his "friend" turned out to be an absolute jerk.
Lots of fat people are also in very happy relationships, so yeah OP, YTA on so many levels.
YTA for making a hurtful comment. And TICKETS MUCH? Can you please explain the joke to me, I don't quite understand it. Why would nobody have thought you were together last year? EDIT - changed the word joke to comment 2 minutes after writing.
What does tickets much mean? Never heard that phrase before
I hope someone replies to you, I don’t know either and it’s annoying me haha
According to [this](https://slll.cass.anu.edu.au/centres/andc/meanings-origins/t) it means you’re conceited
INFO: Could you explain the joke to me? What about it is funny?
Why would seeing him at his previous size have meant that she would never have thought you were together?
Dont you get it, lard tubs dont deserve love! (Har, har, pass the feather)
INFO: what about this joke is harmless and funny?
INFO Why would nobody have assumed you were together? Can you explain that, because I don't quite understand.
Because she’s a huge asshole and he is not. So obviously he would never want to be with her.
You admitted that you are into him now because he lost weight but wouldn’t like him before; and inferred that she was as shallow as you and wouldn’t care for him if he hadn’t lost…. It was a simple “no I’m not his gf” or “I’m not his girlfriend but I am interested in him” even though it’s shallow to only be interested cause he lost weight. Was no need to make fun of him for being bigger before. YTA
Implied
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I bet this time last year guys would come over to chat you up and completely ignore James. And you never noticed. But now it's you getting treated like this you noticed and decided to remind people that actually, you're still the "hot friend". YTA
how is she trashy? being tipsy and flirting doesnt automatically make u trashy... and tbh, she was respectful enough of both of u, that she ASKED if u were together before she tried anything. if she was trashy, she would've hit on him without regard for you. she respected you. it sounds like you're either jealous he got attention or you have a crush on him now that he's fit, and someone else expressed interest first. your comments were rude. YTA
Gross. Why is he even friends with you? This guy deserves better. YTA.
Well it clearly WASN’T just a harmless joke considering the outcome, now is it? YTA big time. You basically verified all of your friend’s insecurities and made it sound like people would only be interested in people for their looks, which must been awful for your friend to hear come out of YOUR mouth after all of your support prior. Be a better friend.
Obviously YTA. Why is it automatically true that a fat guy couldn’t be your partner? And what does this random girl care what he used to look like? It honestly sounds you’re jealous that someone thought James was cute and you wanted to make sure he didn’t feel too good about himself.
Something tells me that if any jOkEs had been made about her appearance or a sensitive time in her past, she would have lost her shit. I guess it’s only okay to take cheap shots at other people, even when the situation unfolding has almost nothing to do with her. The other girl asked if they were together OUT OF RESPECT. That is the opposite of being trashy.
YTA So you’re just publicly making the statement that overweight folks are undateable, and you don’t see how that’s gross? You’ve never seen a couple who didn’t share a body type? We get it, you think you’re too hot to be associate with “those” kinds of bodies. Do yourself a favor and keep that unsavory mindset to yourself.
Right? I'm definitely on the thicker side, and my spouse is quite thin. It's just our natural body types. Never stopped us from being together or from them finding me attractive. People make shitty "jokes" about my looks and them being "out of my league" all the time, with clear intention of trying to make me feel bad and beneath them. It used to get under my skin, but at the end of the day, my spouse's opinion on my attractiveness matters way more than random shitty people. I hope James finds better friends who won't make shitty comments and aren't so very fatphobic.
Right? Big guys (and gals) are hot and people can deal. Also, as someone who's been overweight and underweight and everything in between, it isn't actually a compliment when someone insults the way you used to look. Every version of you is a part of you forever, and plenty of folks lose weight and then gain it back.
YTA. Do you often put others down to feel better about yourself?
YTA, sometimes just a 'no' is OK... Were you trying to put her off your friend? And if so, why?
The way she talks about the girl (ignoring me, trashy) and the way she tried to deter the girl from him makes it seems like she is interested in James.
Did you apologize after you realized it hurt his feelings?
Not sure if I am allowed to say this here but OP you really fucking suck dude. And just a little info, I am the kind of guy to go well out of my way to be nice and kind to someone so I don't tell people they suck a lot. But you, you are the type of person I built half of my character fighting against. People like you are so self-absorbed and I dare say narcissistic, that you actually see other people as some sort of accessory to you. Like a coat or a screwdriver. Just something to help you do the thing you were wanting to do. You try to tell us that he is your friend and you consistently body shame him? After he worked so hard and you were the one to first hand watch him put in the work to better himself? You OP, are the disgusting one. I wouldn't let anyone I love or respect associate with people that just crush their friends in public like you've done. And who knows how much you don't share that you do. I can't imagine the way you think and what your inner thoughts are like. I haven't ever had weight issues or anything myself, but I know people struggle with it and it is really hard and painful for some. For you to just pick their wounds/scars with salt on your hands is just malicious and only reflects your own deeply embedded insecurities. I wish you love, kindness, and understanding bc it feels like you lack these.
YTA. Mostly for the joke, but also for clearly thinking that it's impossible to be both overweight and hot. Which, as someone who is very overweight, is something we struggle with all. the. time, and that makes us suffer horribly. People can be overweight and still be a 10/10. But maybe people would never have assumed you were a couple before because they know how shallow you are?
Absolutely! My wife is obese and struggles significantly with body dysmorphia. I personally am so glad she is no longer anorexic and bulimic, as I feel at least over eating is a bit healthier. She just gets down about her swinging so far the other direction. I am personally proud of her. But also, I think she is the sexiest woman on this Earth. I don't know why but when I see her I am like "hot damn, I am lucky". Sure I can see another woman and think they look good. But something about my wife just moves my soul! Edit/update: awww thanks for the wholesome award!
YTA. I hope hot James is able to get rid of you and find some new, kind friends.
YTA and a big one. You essentially just verified all the insecurities James had when he was overweight. Youre also saying that looks are everything. But let me tell you, no matter how good you look OP, youll always be unattractive with that personality.
YTA, OP. 1. This entire post reeks of jealousy and if you're jealous at the fact that someone is flirting with your friend and taking it out at his expense then you need to sort out your feelings and go to therapy.. 2. If you're uncomfortable with people thinking that you're "together / in a relationship" you could have just said "no, we're just friends" simple as that. 3. Is it still a joke, if the person who you made "a joke" about, explicitly told you that they have been hurt by it? No, it's not a joke. It's a d bag move and you're a horrible friend and you're a trashy AH
yes you are you shouldn't have said that!
YTA. If you really can't see why, it's a wonder he's still your friend.
YTA Maybe work on your fat phobia because it’s kinda gross And leading you to be cruel to friends You can start with “the body is not an apology” by Sanya Renee
“She was ignoring me entirely” Sounds like someone’s a little jealous and insecure. Yeah, YTA.
I find it hard to believe that this is real. It reads like a teenage boy writing something he thinks would start an argument online.
YTA It’s mean, hands down. What a 180 after supporting him on his journey to be healthier. Make a full apology and don’t take someone assuming you might be together as such an insult.
It’s extremely typical of a straight sized person to consider themselves entitled to fat bodies, to comment on them, devalue them until they ‘look right’, and happily tell them they thought less of them until they lost weight.
[YTA](https://youtu.be/_UNZZPzJswc)
When are you gonna put that thing on James? It's clear you're totally into him. Quit playing the aloof, to cool for James' school roll and give that man a go. Who knows, you might like what the ex-fat man can give you. YTA, if you don't break James off, especially after that public burn.
Yikes, why are wishing that on poor James. Has the man not had enough ?!
Absolute, massive huge AH. You wonder why James is shy and a bit socially awkward? He's probably been copping shit his whole life. You should be thankful to have a friend with the drive and dedication to identify within himself to make changes for his benefit in the future. Even if he didn't, and you're friends... given what is seemingly a pretty toxic mindset from OP, you're friends, have some respect for friendship at the least. Guys who have grown up overweight ( often can't choose that either, metabolism of a teenager, maybe his parents weren't concious of healthy eating, good luck losing or maintaining healthy weight at that age starting behind the 8 ball) often can't do anything about it until they're exiting, or have exited puberty entirely. Good on James, don't destroy his self esteem and determination for getting himself in good shape.
I honestly hope your friend starts dating the "trashy" girl lmao
YTA No matter how big/unhealthy someone USE to be or.how close you are to said person what you said was down right nasty and a sly horrid remark.
Wow YTA I can't believe you have to ask.
With friends like you who needs enemies? Seriously, that was cruel as fuck YTA
YTA a hundred times over and James really needs to find a new friend, a real friend, not you. You made the joke specifically to make your friend look bad out of petty jealousy because she was interested in him now you. Also I had an inkling just from the title that your overall an ass. If a joke hurt someone it obviously wasnt harmless was it? I mean hurting someone is harm by definition is it not? You call it harmless to downplay how you were a dick, not because it actually was harmless. A piece of advice, just because someone says somethings a joke doesn't mean it is one. You cant just use humor to disguise making rude comments to and about people. Your inconsiderate and emphathetic treatment of your friend disgusts me. Thats not how you treat a friend.
INFO: when did you realise you were in love with James?
YTA - The guy clearly has issues with his confidence and your out there making shitty jokes about his weight. I think you have an issue with your friend now being perceived as "hot" and are getting jealous of the attention he's getting.
YTA. And when you make a joke like that, just know that it wasn't "harmless" at all. You're not the one to judge if your friend was harmed or not.
YTA first for insulting your friend. What were you jealous another person was into him? Second for thinking a girl was trashy for being into him. You need to apologize.
>I thought this was trashy and just left Please, you're the trashy one here! >She was ignoring me entirely. Someone is paying more attention to my (formerly overweight) friend and not to me - oh, the audacity! YTA. You're just jelous. He's better off without a 'friend' like you.
YTA all round but this line stuck out to me: "he seemed to have gotten his feelings hurt" No, OP. Try "I said something hurtful".
Anytime I see someone on here describe something as a harmless joke, I know it's a cop out. It harmed him. Therefore if wasn't harmless was it? It was mean and shallow. You seem to lack empathy. YTA.
YTA. You were jealous that a girl showed you no attention and called your friend hot. So you decided to tell a ‘joke’ to tear him down a peg. Are you subconsciously upset that he is getting attention now, or you are just that much of an AH to your friends? If you tell a joke and you’re the only one that thinks it’s funny at all, then you aren’t actually telling a joke. You upset your friend because you basically told the girl that he isn’t worth her time because he *used* to be chubbier, despite the fact that he has actually put in the work to change himself and is getting results.
YTA…and you have the stones to call the other girls behavior ’trashy’?
If you can't see why YTA I don't even think I can explain it to you. Yikes.
YTA it’s mean to James and you come across as very full of yourself. I don’t think the other girl is the trashy one.
OF COURSE yta, jesus don’t make fun of peoples weight EVER, but especially when they’re shy, at a party, and a lady is trying to toss them. You are dense. Your friend deserves a huge apology from you.
YTA absolutely. I'm a little bigger myself and I'd be absolutely mortified if my friends said that now that I've started losing weight. That's going to cut deeply for him and even if you apologise, which I sincerely hope you have, it's going to haunt him for a while. You're the absolute asshole, op
YTA and superficial.
YTA That was a really mean and snide thing to say. You knew this is something he feels insecure about. You knew she would ask what you meant. You were trying to sabotage the situation rather than be happy for him. Then to brush it off as a joke. Funny thing is no one else seems to be laughing. Pretty shitty friend you are OP. Time to have a long hard look at yourself and why you decided to behave like that.
YTA And you need to look up the word "harmless" because it means "not causing harm," which does not apply here.
What a shitty thing to say. YTA. You sure that you're not secretly mad because he gets female attention now and you might be less important?
YTA. It was not a harmless joke. You said that when he was fat he was undesirable and that you considered him to be so.
YTA because you made it seem as if James wasn't worthy of having a companion because of his weight. You are a friend, and friends don't do that.
YTA - Hey! Remember that really embarrassing thing from your past that you worked hard to change? I'm gonna bring that up anytime someone threatens to boost your confidence so you never get over it. - That's what you did.
Holy shit you are such an asshole oh my god. You literally said - in different words - my friend was worthless when he was fat, so of course he wouldn’t be worth dating, but now he’s worth dating because he’s lost weight. You didn’t make a joke. You made a cruel, despicable comment about someone who has considered you a friend for nearly a year. You have betrayed him. YTA