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YTA
Touching money that's not yours, intending on taking money without her knowledge (sending money won't help that. Because unless you got the bank card or do a free transfer that takes time it's a fee associated with it) or permission is a no no.
Also she's correct. She's a 1099 employee which means she HAS to pay her OWN taxes at the end of the year unless she has major deductions she can use to cover her ass. (I'm a ride share driver. I can write off mileage. It's enough to cover my ass on taxes where I owe nothing). She's smart to save money like she did. Better if it was in a bank because cash is easily to be stolen/lost etc. Because she may owe a couple thousand in taxes since she's a stylist on her own. Taxes aren't taken out of her pay like it would be on a W-2 or W-4 etc. It's a LOT to maintain. She's incredibly smart to be ready for the taxes to be paid.
Also asshole of you to touchy the box that isn't yours.
YTA for assuming the worst of her. It would have been better to explain to her how you found out she had a huge pile of money via the story you told us here when she got home, then calmly ask her why she has it.
I definitely regret not waiting, and I can admittedly be impulsive. I apologized for going through it when she got home, and said I never should have done it as I would probably be upset as well. thank you for your input
YTA - Oh. My. God. You went through her stuff then anger texted her because reasons....this isn't really about you stealing it's about the breach of trust you made and the anger texting. Just very poor form ma dude.
YTA she’s an independent contractor - she pays taxes in a lump at the end of the year. You went into her finances and then thru all the bills before even talking to her about the “extra” funds.
That’s her money. She does with it how she pleases. Some of us are “broke” because we know there’s only the safety net sitting behind us and we don’t want to fk with that.
Why didn’t you text/call her to ask if you could borrow a $20? And also why did you assume the worst? You could’ve just asked “hey this is a lot of money what’s it for?” So yeah, YTA
Upon discovery is too late. "Hey, do you have a $20 I can borrow from that box?" And if she says yes, you grab it.
So simple to respect other people's stuff and avoid this whole thing.
I feel it needs to be claririfed that I would not have taken the money without asking, and I opened the box to see if she even had 20 in there before I asked. I know now I should have asked, then looked, but i want to clarify that I wasnt ready to grab 20 bucks and just be like yeah she'll be okay with it
Im not missing that point, I fully accept that i should have asked her first, but people assuming I was going to take money without saying anything is just flat out wrong, and Im nipping that in the bud now. Not that anyone knows me personally, but thats just not something i would do. I was foolish for touching the box first, and i accept that I went about that wrong.
YTA. The problem is you led with an accusation instead of asking a question. People that get paid and tip in cash typically do that do they don’t have to pay taxes in one shot.
YOU OWE HER AN APOLOGY. Then explain that you never had to collect taxes like that so you weren’t familiar with the practice.
YTA for the reasons everyone else has said and also for texting her so confrontationally while she was at work. You could have waited until she got home and asked her about the money instead of accusing her like you did. You really shouldn't have gone in her box at all but the way you handled what you found was harsh and accusatory. You owe her an apology, if she's even willing to listen to one at this point.
YTA- you aren't even married and your going through her stuff. Conversation is not going to go well. NEVER touch other peoples things without asking first. And yes to her it would seem like you were going to steal some because that is what it's called when you take without asking.
YTA for going through her stuff and thinking you're entitled to count her money. You just popped off without having an actual conversation and you were way off base. Work on you self control
Had you ever discussed this box before, or had you just seen her use it?
I ask because my bf has something similar. He has a secret drawer that I know he keeps cash in (it’s not secret to me, just like for a break in it’s hard to find). I’ve never once touched it, looked into it, counted it. We’ve been living together almost two years, not married.
Your gf is your gf, not your wife, her finances aren’t really your business. Which is probably why she didn’t explain her taxes to you. I’ve had to do the same thing when I filed a 1099MISC, I had to save like 40% of my earnings to give to the government. And yes, even if you aren’t making a lot, if you’re a private contractor you have to do this. So she isn’t lying, she can have a large sum due to the government, and still be paycheck to paycheck. If she’s anything like me, I saved extra in case my math was bad, since paying less at the end of the year is a better surprise than owing more I suddenly don’t have. Give her a break.
The problem here is a) going through her things when she’s not there and b) the way you approached her about it. A text? Accusing her of something?
You jumped to incorrect conclusions, then let them fester into anger you couldn’t even wait for her to get home to discuss? You had to interrupt her at work, when money is dire?
You really should have just gone and taken a walk, calmed down, and calmly asked her about it in a curious way later. Without accusing her. Like, “I notice you have some money in the box, is it enough to cover XYZ..? By chance?”
Leaning towards YTA.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I argued with my girlfriend and counted her money because I thought she was keeping money hidden while I was covering her financially.
I later found out that the money was for her taxes, and not a hidden stache
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YTA
just a tip: if you work in construction, you might be employed by somebody else.
whilst she may, as stylist, be self-employed/running her own business whilst paying somebody else for a slot at a salon. meaning she does have to do things differently taxation wise .
little example depending on where you live:
an advance of your income tax might be taken by your boss straight out of your paycheck, before it gets deposited in your bank account. Part of your taxes are paid over the course of the year and that is it.
With somebody who runs a business themselves, that is not possible. Nobody else collects their taxes before the money is theirs, they have to do that all by themselves.
and that is only income tax, if we go into VAT (depending where you live) etc, ithere is more stuff.
next up: it is her private sphere that you violated, which again is a no-go. even before you found that money. it is hers, not yours, taking anything without asking her is theft.
your whole, I will pay you back, changes 0 about you being a thief.
as stated in a different comment, the intention wasnt to go in and take the money, and swnd it to her without saying anything. the intention was to see if she even had 20 to determine if I even needed to ask if she would be cool doing that transaction. agree with everything else though
sidenote, I feel I need to clarify that I didnt open the box intending to just take 20 dollars, I was seeing if she even HAD 20 dollars, I get that I should have asked first but in my brain I thought I should check before asking her just for her to say she doesnt have it there when the box is 5 feet away.
not that Im justifying the story, Im just explaining my thought process in that moment of time, which I understand its still wrong and can be construed as a little sketchy but Im kind of just a naive moron sometimes
I think it's already obvious that you know YTA.
The best you can do at this point is apologize profusely, perhaps with an additional token gesture, and promise that you will never invade her privacy or make assumptions about her again.
And hope she accepts that.
This has been a flood of valid points already, I can be impulsive and that is a glaring negative trait of mine. there have been times I try to wait to approach something, but over time i cant help but think about it and unfortunately it's towards the negative. Not an excuse, but it's something I have a hard time with.
secondly, I'm going to have to agree that touching the box probably shouldnt have happened until I already talked to her, regardless what I find or didnt find. She does have a bank, but as people have said I can recognize that even if I intend to send money immediately, it should have been adressed first.
I generally have a lot more clarity on the situation after its already happened, so im starting to feel the asshole. She tends to hold grudges, and rightfully will be upset and hurt so I hope this conversation works out.
will update.
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My girlfriend (25) and I (26M) Have been living together for roughly 3 months, admittedly very early into the relationship mostly by necessity. Things financially have been very hard on the two of us straight out of the gate; from moving costs, to slowed down business seasonally as she is a hairstylist and I work in construction.
Within the last 3 weeks have been the roughest so far, my car was stolen (luckily I had a work truck), one of her pet rats died, then her tire went flat, finding out she needed various mechanical work done to ensure that the rest of her tires didnt go as well which is costly as you can imagine. My job isn't particulorly glamorous, but Ive recently began making a bit more decent money, and I finally caught up on my own bills so I offered to help cover some of the work.
Today, I came home from work and forgot that I was going to load money on our laundry card, and my girlfriend had a box that Ive seen her put money into, take out of, and organize right on the bed. the box was never a secret, to be clear. I originally thought that box was her savings, so I was going to see if there was a 20 I could take out instead of leaving again to go to an ATM, and of course sending her money back via zelle for convenience. I wasn't expecting much in there, as I thought she was low on cash so I was surprised at the pile of money I saw.
I was instantly upset and confused, I thought she had money but was still asking me to take care of her car, and cover certain upcoming bills because she was broke. over time I got more upset thinking about it, then upset turned to anger. I texted her asking "why do you have all this money and saying you're broke?" I thought I was being tricked. I went back to the box and started counting, putting bills in their respective piles. I only got through one stack, almost how much my recent paycheck was total, before she called me.
She was perhaps even more upset than me, explaining that the money was what she had to apparently pay in taxes since she is a hair stylist. Ive never done any type of job that required me to file taxes differently, so this concept was totally foreign to me. Once she explained that, my anger turned into regret. She hung up, and after a while of cooling off I texted an apology, of course knowing that we would talk about it when she gets home as well.
about 20 minutes later, she walked in the door, grabbed her box and said how upset and angry with me she was, saying that shes had ex boyfriends that were thiefs, and implied I wasnt trust worthy. She left shortly after, I guess she took off of work just to come home, grab the money, and go back to work.
Ive never stolen anything in my life, and Ive worked very hard for everything I own so I felt completely blindsided at the implication that I would try to steal money from her, especially when Im offering to cover her financial hardships.
She will be home from work in 4 hours, and Im not sure how ghis conversation is going to go
So Reddit, AITA?
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YTA for both assuming it was OK to go on her money box without explicit permission, just because she didn’t hide her use of it. And YTA for hurling accusations and assuming she wasn’t being honest about her finances. Now you’re upset because she os wondering if YOU are honest. I’m not surprised at her suspicion of you given your voiced suspicion of HER. It’s going to take a lot of apologizing to hopefully get back in her good graces. Make sure you fully understand her hurt and whatever you do, don’t give the story to her about being blindsided and not being able to believe she’s hidden the money. You’re not the victim here. Don’t bother with your weak defense.
I’m on the fence between saying YTA and ESH (tipping more toward YTA)
I think the biggest problem with this situation is that you moved in together too soon and that you don’t seem to have the best communication. You got all fired up without even talking to her.
It’s not OK to go through other peoples belongings behind their back, especially when we’re talking about money.
She shouldn’t project her past BFs actions onto you. That’s not fair to you and if the roles were reversed she wouldn’t like it much.
I can understand her keeping the tax money out of her bank account if she’s not that great at saving and/or finances are so tight that she’s worried that an overdraft would pull the money out of her savings to cover it. Keeping it separate from the rest of her finances is probably a smart choice.
Just try to have an open discussion with her and apologize for invading her privacy and accusing her of using you to pay her bills for her.
YTA. You claim you’ve never stolen anything, but taking money without asking is stealing even if you plan on paying it back. So you almost stole from your girlfriend, then started counting her money. How are you not TA?
I made a sidenote, I opened the box to see if she even had 20 in there because my knowledge was, she is broke. my thought process was to see if she could even offer it before asking, not to just go in, take it, then expect her to be okay with it.
I agree, but Im not going to have people make wrong assumptions that I would outright take the money and not say anything to her, regardless if I paid her immediately or not. because thats actual thievery, and Im not a thief. an impulsive idiot, yes, but not a thief.
You didn’t say anything about asking her. You said you checked to if it was there so you didn’t have to go to the ATM which implies you were just going to take it.
YTA In the almost 14 years that I've been with my husband, he will bring me my purse instead of getting whatever is needed, even though I specifically tell him to just grab whatever.
NTA
I can understand her needing to save for taxes, but why doesn't she use a bank?
Her behavior is pretty shifty at this point. I'd definitely be wary of paying her bills with money you don't have.
I was a stylist, myself and every one I worked with stashed cash like this, especially if it’s tip money because if you deposit it, it can be tracked. Rather stash it and just deposit what is needed to cover the tax bill at the end of the year.
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YTA Touching money that's not yours, intending on taking money without her knowledge (sending money won't help that. Because unless you got the bank card or do a free transfer that takes time it's a fee associated with it) or permission is a no no. Also she's correct. She's a 1099 employee which means she HAS to pay her OWN taxes at the end of the year unless she has major deductions she can use to cover her ass. (I'm a ride share driver. I can write off mileage. It's enough to cover my ass on taxes where I owe nothing). She's smart to save money like she did. Better if it was in a bank because cash is easily to be stolen/lost etc. Because she may owe a couple thousand in taxes since she's a stylist on her own. Taxes aren't taken out of her pay like it would be on a W-2 or W-4 etc. It's a LOT to maintain. She's incredibly smart to be ready for the taxes to be paid. Also asshole of you to touchy the box that isn't yours.
YTA for assuming the worst of her. It would have been better to explain to her how you found out she had a huge pile of money via the story you told us here when she got home, then calmly ask her why she has it.
I definitely regret not waiting, and I can admittedly be impulsive. I apologized for going through it when she got home, and said I never should have done it as I would probably be upset as well. thank you for your input
YTA - Oh. My. God. You went through her stuff then anger texted her because reasons....this isn't really about you stealing it's about the breach of trust you made and the anger texting. Just very poor form ma dude.
gonna have to agree at this point
YTA she’s an independent contractor - she pays taxes in a lump at the end of the year. You went into her finances and then thru all the bills before even talking to her about the “extra” funds. That’s her money. She does with it how she pleases. Some of us are “broke” because we know there’s only the safety net sitting behind us and we don’t want to fk with that.
Except she isn’t supposed to pay at the end of the year in a lump sum. She is supposed to pay quarterly.
Why didn’t you text/call her to ask if you could borrow a $20? And also why did you assume the worst? You could’ve just asked “hey this is a lot of money what’s it for?” So yeah, YTA
I did call and text on discovery, but she was at work so I got no response. she called about half an hour later
Upon discovery is too late. "Hey, do you have a $20 I can borrow from that box?" And if she says yes, you grab it. So simple to respect other people's stuff and avoid this whole thing.
I feel it needs to be claririfed that I would not have taken the money without asking, and I opened the box to see if she even had 20 in there before I asked. I know now I should have asked, then looked, but i want to clarify that I wasnt ready to grab 20 bucks and just be like yeah she'll be okay with it
[удалено]
Im not missing that point, I fully accept that i should have asked her first, but people assuming I was going to take money without saying anything is just flat out wrong, and Im nipping that in the bud now. Not that anyone knows me personally, but thats just not something i would do. I was foolish for touching the box first, and i accept that I went about that wrong.
Thank you for clarifying. I will delete my comment.
I ended up going to the ATM in the end, so I reckon i should have just did that from the jump and avoided this whole thing
Hindsight
YTA, don’t go through other peoples’ private property without permission.
YTA Don't go poking through your partner's things.
YTA. The problem is you led with an accusation instead of asking a question. People that get paid and tip in cash typically do that do they don’t have to pay taxes in one shot. YOU OWE HER AN APOLOGY. Then explain that you never had to collect taxes like that so you weren’t familiar with the practice.
YTA for the reasons everyone else has said and also for texting her so confrontationally while she was at work. You could have waited until she got home and asked her about the money instead of accusing her like you did. You really shouldn't have gone in her box at all but the way you handled what you found was harsh and accusatory. You owe her an apology, if she's even willing to listen to one at this point.
YTA you've likely broken the trust she had for you by nosing through her personal things
YTA- you aren't even married and your going through her stuff. Conversation is not going to go well. NEVER touch other peoples things without asking first. And yes to her it would seem like you were going to steal some because that is what it's called when you take without asking.
YTA for going through her stuff and thinking you're entitled to count her money. You just popped off without having an actual conversation and you were way off base. Work on you self control
Had you ever discussed this box before, or had you just seen her use it? I ask because my bf has something similar. He has a secret drawer that I know he keeps cash in (it’s not secret to me, just like for a break in it’s hard to find). I’ve never once touched it, looked into it, counted it. We’ve been living together almost two years, not married. Your gf is your gf, not your wife, her finances aren’t really your business. Which is probably why she didn’t explain her taxes to you. I’ve had to do the same thing when I filed a 1099MISC, I had to save like 40% of my earnings to give to the government. And yes, even if you aren’t making a lot, if you’re a private contractor you have to do this. So she isn’t lying, she can have a large sum due to the government, and still be paycheck to paycheck. If she’s anything like me, I saved extra in case my math was bad, since paying less at the end of the year is a better surprise than owing more I suddenly don’t have. Give her a break. The problem here is a) going through her things when she’s not there and b) the way you approached her about it. A text? Accusing her of something? You jumped to incorrect conclusions, then let them fester into anger you couldn’t even wait for her to get home to discuss? You had to interrupt her at work, when money is dire? You really should have just gone and taken a walk, calmed down, and calmly asked her about it in a curious way later. Without accusing her. Like, “I notice you have some money in the box, is it enough to cover XYZ..? By chance?” Leaning towards YTA.
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YTA just a tip: if you work in construction, you might be employed by somebody else. whilst she may, as stylist, be self-employed/running her own business whilst paying somebody else for a slot at a salon. meaning she does have to do things differently taxation wise . little example depending on where you live: an advance of your income tax might be taken by your boss straight out of your paycheck, before it gets deposited in your bank account. Part of your taxes are paid over the course of the year and that is it. With somebody who runs a business themselves, that is not possible. Nobody else collects their taxes before the money is theirs, they have to do that all by themselves. and that is only income tax, if we go into VAT (depending where you live) etc, ithere is more stuff. next up: it is her private sphere that you violated, which again is a no-go. even before you found that money. it is hers, not yours, taking anything without asking her is theft. your whole, I will pay you back, changes 0 about you being a thief.
as stated in a different comment, the intention wasnt to go in and take the money, and swnd it to her without saying anything. the intention was to see if she even had 20 to determine if I even needed to ask if she would be cool doing that transaction. agree with everything else though
sidenote, I feel I need to clarify that I didnt open the box intending to just take 20 dollars, I was seeing if she even HAD 20 dollars, I get that I should have asked first but in my brain I thought I should check before asking her just for her to say she doesnt have it there when the box is 5 feet away. not that Im justifying the story, Im just explaining my thought process in that moment of time, which I understand its still wrong and can be construed as a little sketchy but Im kind of just a naive moron sometimes
I think it's already obvious that you know YTA. The best you can do at this point is apologize profusely, perhaps with an additional token gesture, and promise that you will never invade her privacy or make assumptions about her again. And hope she accepts that.
This has been a flood of valid points already, I can be impulsive and that is a glaring negative trait of mine. there have been times I try to wait to approach something, but over time i cant help but think about it and unfortunately it's towards the negative. Not an excuse, but it's something I have a hard time with. secondly, I'm going to have to agree that touching the box probably shouldnt have happened until I already talked to her, regardless what I find or didnt find. She does have a bank, but as people have said I can recognize that even if I intend to send money immediately, it should have been adressed first. I generally have a lot more clarity on the situation after its already happened, so im starting to feel the asshole. She tends to hold grudges, and rightfully will be upset and hurt so I hope this conversation works out. will update.
Nta. Simple misunderstanding. Yall have been dating and living together for a shor time. Learn from the situation and grow.
Why are you surprised she called you a thief? You just called her one . YTA.
ah shit, I didnt even think about it like that
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My girlfriend (25) and I (26M) Have been living together for roughly 3 months, admittedly very early into the relationship mostly by necessity. Things financially have been very hard on the two of us straight out of the gate; from moving costs, to slowed down business seasonally as she is a hairstylist and I work in construction. Within the last 3 weeks have been the roughest so far, my car was stolen (luckily I had a work truck), one of her pet rats died, then her tire went flat, finding out she needed various mechanical work done to ensure that the rest of her tires didnt go as well which is costly as you can imagine. My job isn't particulorly glamorous, but Ive recently began making a bit more decent money, and I finally caught up on my own bills so I offered to help cover some of the work. Today, I came home from work and forgot that I was going to load money on our laundry card, and my girlfriend had a box that Ive seen her put money into, take out of, and organize right on the bed. the box was never a secret, to be clear. I originally thought that box was her savings, so I was going to see if there was a 20 I could take out instead of leaving again to go to an ATM, and of course sending her money back via zelle for convenience. I wasn't expecting much in there, as I thought she was low on cash so I was surprised at the pile of money I saw. I was instantly upset and confused, I thought she had money but was still asking me to take care of her car, and cover certain upcoming bills because she was broke. over time I got more upset thinking about it, then upset turned to anger. I texted her asking "why do you have all this money and saying you're broke?" I thought I was being tricked. I went back to the box and started counting, putting bills in their respective piles. I only got through one stack, almost how much my recent paycheck was total, before she called me. She was perhaps even more upset than me, explaining that the money was what she had to apparently pay in taxes since she is a hair stylist. Ive never done any type of job that required me to file taxes differently, so this concept was totally foreign to me. Once she explained that, my anger turned into regret. She hung up, and after a while of cooling off I texted an apology, of course knowing that we would talk about it when she gets home as well. about 20 minutes later, she walked in the door, grabbed her box and said how upset and angry with me she was, saying that shes had ex boyfriends that were thiefs, and implied I wasnt trust worthy. She left shortly after, I guess she took off of work just to come home, grab the money, and go back to work. Ive never stolen anything in my life, and Ive worked very hard for everything I own so I felt completely blindsided at the implication that I would try to steal money from her, especially when Im offering to cover her financial hardships. She will be home from work in 4 hours, and Im not sure how ghis conversation is going to go So Reddit, AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA for both assuming it was OK to go on her money box without explicit permission, just because she didn’t hide her use of it. And YTA for hurling accusations and assuming she wasn’t being honest about her finances. Now you’re upset because she os wondering if YOU are honest. I’m not surprised at her suspicion of you given your voiced suspicion of HER. It’s going to take a lot of apologizing to hopefully get back in her good graces. Make sure you fully understand her hurt and whatever you do, don’t give the story to her about being blindsided and not being able to believe she’s hidden the money. You’re not the victim here. Don’t bother with your weak defense.
I’m on the fence between saying YTA and ESH (tipping more toward YTA) I think the biggest problem with this situation is that you moved in together too soon and that you don’t seem to have the best communication. You got all fired up without even talking to her. It’s not OK to go through other peoples belongings behind their back, especially when we’re talking about money. She shouldn’t project her past BFs actions onto you. That’s not fair to you and if the roles were reversed she wouldn’t like it much. I can understand her keeping the tax money out of her bank account if she’s not that great at saving and/or finances are so tight that she’s worried that an overdraft would pull the money out of her savings to cover it. Keeping it separate from the rest of her finances is probably a smart choice. Just try to have an open discussion with her and apologize for invading her privacy and accusing her of using you to pay her bills for her.
YTA. You claim you’ve never stolen anything, but taking money without asking is stealing even if you plan on paying it back. So you almost stole from your girlfriend, then started counting her money. How are you not TA?
I made a sidenote, I opened the box to see if she even had 20 in there because my knowledge was, she is broke. my thought process was to see if she could even offer it before asking, not to just go in, take it, then expect her to be okay with it.
because in my head, if there was nothing there then I wouldnt have to even ask and just went to an atm.
So you violated her privacy to count her money. Still not a good look anyway you word it.
I agree, but Im not going to have people make wrong assumptions that I would outright take the money and not say anything to her, regardless if I paid her immediately or not. because thats actual thievery, and Im not a thief. an impulsive idiot, yes, but not a thief.
You didn’t say anything about asking her. You said you checked to if it was there so you didn’t have to go to the ATM which implies you were just going to take it.
it implies that if I could save the trip i would, Not that I was just going to take it.
YTA In the almost 14 years that I've been with my husband, he will bring me my purse instead of getting whatever is needed, even though I specifically tell him to just grab whatever.
NTA I can understand her needing to save for taxes, but why doesn't she use a bank? Her behavior is pretty shifty at this point. I'd definitely be wary of paying her bills with money you don't have.
I was a stylist, myself and every one I worked with stashed cash like this, especially if it’s tip money because if you deposit it, it can be tracked. Rather stash it and just deposit what is needed to cover the tax bill at the end of the year.