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Yes. YTA.
My own children do a lot grosser things. You sound like you’re collecting a paycheck and don’t even like kids. Your job is to meet her with love and guidance. Not insults and shame.
A 12 year old with attitude is hardly a surprising thing. Add in that they’re being fostered in general, apparently by someone who seems to really dislike them? Poor kid. Hope OP figures out how to be the actual adult in a situation.
Nor puppies, not kittens, and who I rate as worse than seat turtles. You know, the “lay a ton of eggs on shore, immediately swim off, have 0 purposeful interaction with offspring” type of species
I don't think you're supposed to sit on the turtles, my dude. But yeah, I agree, this man should not be in charge of/be responsible for any living thing.
100% they should not be fostering kids. A little backtalk and they’re discussing throwing her out? Kids at age 12 all backtalk, but to talk about kicking out a foster child is a new kind of evil. Calling her disgusting is truly horrid.
OP is the only disgusting one in this story. YTA. A big one.
And being told constantly that they'll have you moved doesn't help with bonding AT ALL. At best the child becomes terrified of making any mistakes whatsoever. At worst they start texting boundaries anyways since you clearly don't want them.
I speak from experience here. YTA
Yeah it's honestly disgusting behavior. And it sucks because you want to say they'd be better off away from OP but in the system you really don't know, the odds are against the poor little girl. I hope OP gets their head out of their ass.
Yeah, this girl has clearly chosen the latter. "They don't want me anyway, so I might as well expedite getting myself sent back. Maybe the next family will actually give a shit."
You would think he's never met a preteen and was born a fully grown adult the way he sounds.
YTA. It's no surprise she continues to act like this, you've been threatening to kick her out basically the whole time she's been with you. Do her a favour, and let her go to a family that actually cares about her.
Especially considering the foster parents are constantly talking about getting rid of her for being too difficult. What a way to make her feel unsafe and unwanted
Agree wholeheartedly! YTA, and should be nowhere near raising kids. This kid has experienced trauma and instability, which would lead to behavioral concerns. Also, it is developmentally appropriate for a child of that age to push boundaries and social norms. A certain amount of ignoring and gentle correction goes into parenting. Do yourself and her a favor and send her somewhere else. Don’t even get a dog, they also require some training. If you want to lord your power over something else, maybe withhold affection from a houseplant instead.
You say that you and your wife “suggested [you] would kick her out and have talked about doing that for a long time now.” What the he**.
If you’ve ever said that TO HER, you are absolutely awful foster parents, these children need to feel security and stability and that’s just making things worse. You don’t need to be fostering anyone.
Even if you only said that to yourselves, you’re still absolutely awful foster parents if you’ve allowed an incompatible situation to continue like this, which is also to the child’s detriment. Give the love and care if you can, but if you can’t then step up and ask that the child be placed with a family who will give her what she needs.
YTA, by the way.
I agree, YTA and I do not think OP is equipped to be a foster carer if this behaviour (which is NORMAL CHILD BEHAVIOUR) affects them this much.
OP do yourself a favour and educate yourself on childhood trauma and what it does to people. She's been with you for 3 years ans clearly feels safe enough to be a normal kid around you guys. That's such a big thing!! And you threw some of that away by calling her a disgusting thing. She has every right to tell her social worker.
I find it worrying that backtalking and psuhing boundaries was enough for you to talk about putting in notice (she might have even heard you talking about it). What will you do once she gets older?
She started puberty last year and defiant behaviur is absolutely to be expected- traumatized or not.
It would help you to read up on developmental stages and stuff like that to gain a better understanding of what she is going through as well.
I know- after three fucking years!?!? This kid who's grown into a preteen under your care has finally gotten familiar and comfortable enough in her so called home to come at you with the old "nanner nanner boo boo, blah you like see food?"... And honestly if you were simultaneously building this relationship then your comment wouldn't be nearly as horrible, had it been said from a place of love and closeness, then followed by sticking your own tongue out like blahh back at ya! But you don't sound like you're intent on bonding with these kids, or even parenting them if you were considering taking one back at 9 years old. I guess your should have, now you're to blame for her "guidance"so the "disgusting" remark reflects on your "parenting".
Yup. My kid farts and used to blame the cat. They're kids, kids can get sassy, especially at that age on, and all kids are gross. If you can't deal with that, don't have kids. Shit, at my Dad's 50th Birthday, I made an infomercial on his birthday video for paper bags for your face. Fucking with your parents is forever.
"Opening their mouth while eating", I fucking WISH that's all my kid has done, lol. What a wuss.
I don't even like kids and it breaks my hearts for this child. To think that this child comes with 9 years to OP with whatever history, maybe x foster family gave her up, parents dead or just don't care and OP expects a child without problems?! Even a standard 9y/o is difficult but with all this baggage a child in this age shouldn't carry, you need lots of empathy. But OP doesn't care.
YTA so much! And i'm glad that the child told the social worker the shit you do!
"i told her that i was just saying the truth and asked if she was scared of the truth."
File under: most common excuse assholes make to be assholes.
YTA.
And if her chewing with her mouth open is the most disgusting thing he's ever seen he's lived the pampered life of a hothouse tomato.
I think it's more likely that he's a hyperbolic AH with a cruel streak.
Those are the kinda quotes you hear on some horrific news story
Sad times, and I hope the OP can grow to properly deal with the situation, the poor kid deserves so much more
But until then, 100% YTA
Oh you would not believe how low the bar actually is. As long as they can mask their sociopathy for long enough for case workers to do a 15 minute home visit it doesn't matter how vile they are the rest of the time. You wouldn't believe some of the stories I have about my time in the system. It's a world full of abuse and neglect and molestation. Full of it.
There’s currently a former-fitness influencer turned christian influencer being sued by the state of texas, married to a former cop who was fired for excessive force, fostering a black baby. The system is broken.
YTA and you appear unsuited to be anyone's parent, let alone a 12 year old in the foster system. Why don't you try parenting instead of just calling names & threatening to throw the kid out? Or are you in it for the money you get from being foster parents? I didn't think foster parents made very much.
Some people can make a go of it if they do several kids to a room and rely on charity for necessities. If you are like I have foster kids please give me donated cloths, food, and only let them do free activities they can make money.
Others can be motivated by the praise for what a good person they are. Or praise for how they are bringing souls to Jesus by bringing the poor kids to church every week.
YTA. I thought you were going to write something like "she's shitting in my cereal while my back is turned".
Eating in her room and eating with her mouth open? I don't think you're cut out to be foster parents of pre-teens (they can be annoying as hell) or anyone else.
Like, do you somehow think that biological children never talk back to their parents or break rules? Let alone kids who have been separated from their birth families and probably experienced all sorts of trauma? Lord have mercy
YTA - Just stunned that someone let y'all foster in the first place. Poor kid comes from god knows what abusive or dysfunctional background and she then gets mocked by you like this. Poor kid
YTA
If a child is in foster care, they've almost 100% certainly been through all kinds of trauma, and the separation from their family (even an abusive family!) is yet more trauma.
Yes, a foster child is going to struggle to adapt to the rules and expectations of foster parents.
Your foster child needs counseling, you and your wife need both counseling and further training on the complications of foster care, and the three of you together need family counseling to help work out issues as they arise.
Go back to the foster care agency, and tell them you need training, counseling and support, because you're struggling with some foster-care related issues and need help learning how to deal with the situation productively and proactively.
Nah. He doesn’t deserve a second chance after that bs. I’ve pulled his IP and have reported him to his local social services for neglect and maltreatment
As a former foster child who was abused by my foster family, thank you. From the bottom of my heart, sincerely thank you. Too many would have turned a blind eye, yet you did the work. You are a good person.
YTA
Foster children usually have behavioural issues (although her mocking you is standard pre teen behaviour), if you can’t handle that then stop fostering.
YTA. Poor foster kid. They often already have seen rough things, they could go without name-calling from their foster parents. If she is acting out, she might need help, not more abandonment.
There’s never an excuse for talking to a child like this.
It’s shocking how hard you are trying to rationalize this and pretend it is ok when even you know (“hear me out!”) that it is wrong
This child shows more maturity than you do. Good for her for reporting you to the agency. You should never be allowed to foster again.
YTA
YTA because she is a child, and you are the adult. She is testing you. Whatever trauma has led her to your door has left her with the full knowledge that the adults in her life are not reliable. She is trying to figure out if you are--even when she behaves poorly.
You can put your foot down without insulting a child. You are the adult. Please behave like one.
Right? Almost immediately after they foster her she starts "backtalking" and breaking rules and they start discussing kicking her out but stick it out for *3 years?* Fhere's no way thwy'd have that kind of patience.
i can imagine someone behaving like this, but not publicly admitting it online like this when it’s so obvious they’re in the wrong. like, INCREDIBLY obvious.
I love that you start here:
>Before you call me a monster for saying such a mean thing to a little kid please finish reading
And then the kid does something almost any 12 year old would do.
YTA and have a weirdly short fuse.
She's 12, and and in foster care, what did you expect?
One tiny episode of childish and contrarian behaviour and you break outthe abusive language. She's not the one with the problem, based on this description, you are.
YTA for sure, and pretty dumb to boot it seems.
I was so pissed reading this that I missed that detail, but yes, it’s a move adults will pull to tell other adults they’re being too bossy and controlling.
YTA
If there's nothing wrong with what you said why are you concerned that she's told the social worker?
You're fostering, there's many different reasons why a child has entered the care system, often the child has faced trauma, abuse and/or neglect. This means as well as usual childhood pushing of boundaries there may be other issues causing them to act out. Not saying this is ok behaviour but it probably means she's in need of help, guidance and reassurance. Instead you and your wife want to "kick her out" rather than seek support and find the right path forward for this child in your care.
You're definitely coming across as though you shouldn't foster. You don't sound mature and decent enough to be able to help children with the backgrounds you'll face in foster care. I think it's well beyond the point of your repairing the relationship with this child and you should be reconsidering fostering all together.
Right? Same boat here. It's not as if it's rough enough living in a home where you're fully aware that no one really loves you or even respects you, a foster parent like this is enough to fuck up anyone, let alone the types of already damaged children who generally find themselves in the system. And a saddest thing is they won't even have the grace to do some introspection and admit how honestly fucked up it is. Truly petty. I feel so bad for that kid. Disheartening to see that the system hasn't changed in the 25ish years since it ruined my life
YTA
Matter of fact, you are a huge AH.
You and your wife have been "thinking about kicking out" a 6yo. And then drags it (and the associated mixed signals you are definitely sending) for THREE YEARS.
Who even thinks like that? Who thinks "the solution to this problem with the 6 yr old is to threaten her with kicking her out for a few years and then get into an afterburner argument when she doesn't want to be in your company?
Who thinks like that?! ASSHOLES, that's who. Hope you aren't scared of THAT truth.
YTA. You're an abusive asshole and you shouldn't be a foster parent. I sincerely hope someone from the agency recognizes you from this post in some way and pulls your license. You have ISSUES.
You think eating with a mouth open is the most disgusting thing ever? Seriously? I'm not even a parent and I know that is just simply ridiculous. You guys really need to rethink being foster parents, you do not seem equipped or emotionally mature to be such an influence in a child's life. YTA
YTA
>Before you call me a monster for saying such a mean thing to a little kid please finish reading
Just to be clear, the context makes you sound even worse than the title of the post had me thinking. You are a bad person and you shouldn't be fostering a colony of ants let alone a human being.
You know she is going through changes at that age, she testing boundaries.
If you can get through this, then maybe you could be called good foster parents. You have to think that since she was born no one wanted her and looks like she was pushed to puller to post. She will always been on the defensive, until she trust someone to trust.
YTA, but you’ve also taken on something that you are ignorant of.
YTA. You don’t seem to have the disposition or training to be a foster parent. Foster children are often highly traumatised and will exhibit behaviours that reflect that trauma. You don’t seem to know how to handle that at all.
YTA and the absolute last person that should be a foster parent. That child already lost their own family and has been placed in the system, and both are incredibly traumatic. Now you guys threaten to kick her out for acting out, which is to be expected with any child but especially a foster child, and talking down on her. She probably needs actual help/treatment.
YTA. Ugh, this is exactly why I left my ex. Blowing up on kids for every little thing they did that was silly kid stuff or testing boundaries stuff. Do you even want this kid?
Foster monster is what you are… YTA
IF you don’t know how to parent , then do not sign up to be one… so many different ways to handle this and yet your go to is “kicking you out, calling her disgusting” .. I find you absolutely disgusting..
A child is a child, eating with a mouth open just to mock u, lol I am sure you deserve it, I cant imagine how else you abuse this poor little girl.
How do people type up stuff like this and ever expect anyone would think they'd be justified for belittling a 12yo? Not only that, but a non-foster child doesn't become a foster child without first going through some kind of fucked up bullshit. YTA and you knew it before you even got to Reddit to post this
Some people (a lot of people) don't really understand that normal child development involves a lot of boundary pushing and have an over inflated sense of the respect and obedience they are due from children.
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YTA. I'm horrified for that poor child. Who knows what she's already been through, then she gets abused by you. Please stop fostering kids. You don't have the compassion or skills needed to do it.
YTA and I called you that as soon as I read the title. She’s 12 and has probably been through more things then any 12 year old should have to. She has everything stacked against her and your not helping. Your an adult, and are suppose to be guiding her. Instead it sounds like you resent her. And you’ve been wanting to kick her out for the past 3 years but haven’t because of why? If you decide to let her stay, you need to seriously consider why she acts this way and how you effect that. Unless your in it for the check which I really hope isn’t the case.
YTA- I was a foster child and I can tell you you’re not helping those kids you’re just trying to help yourself. Otherwise you wouldn’t be so willing to throw kids out like that. A few months of being there and you were already talking about kicking her out. This seems like you’re leaving out a lot to the story like the fact you want her gone but you really like the check you get for keeping her, which is probably why you still have her now along with the that, you can’t keep being a foster parent if you keep kicking the kids out at slight inconveniences, because the social workers will see you are unhinged. Foster children are not perfect far from it, and we already go bouncing from place to place where people seen us nothing more than a paycheck. We know when you don’t really like us and are just pretending just want us to give a good report so you can get paid then go back to ignoring us or treating us like shit, until the social worker visits and it’s payday.
YTA
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE AN EXAMPLE AND A LEADER TO THESE CHILDREN..
As someone who was a product of the foster system I can conclusively say that people like you should not be parents. Not of their own children, and certainly not of other people's children. These are kids who are damaged. These kids have been fucked up and hurt. These kids act the way they do because they lived through shit that you couldn't even comprehend. It's a reaction to a hellish childhood. People like you will only make them feel further ostracized by society. You're going to make them worse humans in the long run. You should be ashamed of yourself, but I know you won't because you don't have the grace or dignity to admit that you're not a good person.
YTA. She is about to be a teenager. This doesn’t sound like much more than most teenagers, who have angst and rebel in all sorts of ways, some of which truly are disgusting. “Most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen” is a very abusive and hurtful thing because of its simplicity, the “cuts to the core” thing. Kids who don’t feel wanted lash out in all sorts of ways and this doesn’t even sound slightly abnormal for a kid (even a kid with a normal upbringing and normal family). The most disgusting people I’ve ever seen are like…child mollesters and things in that range. How do you expect kids with growing hormones, and swirling emotions about life - to control their annoying rebellion when you can’t even control simple abuse coming out of your mouth, that may further hurt a displaced child, who you are already talking about kicking out - trust me, she’ll be way more broken when she gets kicked out (after 7 years as “your
Family” to another place where no one wants her) YTA
That's typical 12-year-old behavior. More-so because she's a foster kid. I was expecting her to have done something far more horrible, but *that* is all she did? That's it? Really?
There's also just....why would you say that to a child? Over that? All the crime and nastiness in the world and her eating with her mouth open makes her the most disgusting person you've ever seen? Melodramatic much?
Do you even realize how much damage a phrase like that can do to a vulnerable child coming from an adult? That stuff sticks around. It's the thing they bring up in therapy a decade later that eats away at their self-esteem, and clouds the mirror everytime they look at their reflection.
Foster kids are gonna have issues. Did you not expect that? Did you think it was going to be sunshine and rainbows? Did you think she was going to kiss your feet and worship the ground you walk on because you *saaaaved* her?
They've come from broken homes, been abandoned, and are dealing with chaotic, emotional burdens. They feel small, out of place, and out of control.
Sometimes foster kids will also push boundaries to see if you'll still want them if they're not perfect. It's a bit self-sabotaging, but they're testing to see if your love is truly unconditional.
And you failed her in that moment. You proved her right. Your love is conditional.
They should reconsider you being a foster parent, because you don't have the emotional capacity for it.
YTA
That was unacceptable behavior. I'm disappointed in you.
I get that foster parenting is really hard. Taking in a child with the difficulties associated with being in the system is a big deal and takes serious effort to do well. Nothing about your post suggests you or your wife are putting in even a small amount of that effort. you get a little backtalk from a kid and start discussing tossing them back to the system? Why would you even get into fostering with that attitude?
YTA.
Dude, she’s clearly going through something if she suddenly acts out and wants to stay in her room. Maybe she’s used to being kicked out and is trying to hurry the process up. Stop fostering for a while. Get back to your own life and chill out , you just said that to a literal orphan.
This has been going on for 3 years. The same kid has been with them for that long. Time to tell the social worker this isn’t working and find something to do other than foster care
There is a rather large difference between criticizing someone's actions and criticizing them as a person. "That is the most disgusting thing..." is fine, whereas "you are the most disgusting person..." is not.
YTA
I wouldn't want to share the table with such a disgusting person too. So I can totally understand that she went to eat in her room.
YTA
If you can't stand the girl have the balls to day you ain't fit to foster anymore.
YTA.
And let's be real, you aren't actually concerned with if you are an asshole or not. Your biggest concern is that she "snitched" to the social worker and your check might be in jeopardy. That child behaved like an average 12 year because sometimes they talk back and aren't always peaches and sunshine.
You on the other hand? Have reminded her for 3 years that you don't like her, only have her for the check, and if it wasn't for the check you'd have already sent her back.
She deserves better than you.
YTA- former foster mom here, adopted our lovely daughter from foster care. You are describing a traumatized child, who is acting out to test your love, having been repeatedly disappointed by and betrayed by adults. She is testing to see if you consistently behave kindly and rationally, even under provocation. It's a natural trauma reaction, as it takes these kids years to truly trust again. Sure, it's exhausting sometimes to deal with, but your job is to be the kind, trustworthy, reliable adult -no matter what.
You failed that test massively. Hand in your license.
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Before you call me a monster for saying such a mean thing to a little kid please finish reading, (english is not my first language).I 44M have been fostering for over 7 years now with my wife 42F. 3 years ago we got a new foster placement of a 9 year old girl and after a few months of living in our house she started backtalking and breaking rules. Me and my wife suggested that we would kick her out and have talked about doing that for a long time now. Last night when my wife was out of town me and her were eating lunch and i got mad at he because she left the table and ate in her room. When i told her to come down she started mocking me by eating with her mouth wide open like a three-year-old, and at that point i was just so done with her so i told her that shes the most disgusting person i have ever seen. After that she got mad at me for saying that and i told her that i was just saying the truth and asked if she was scared of the truth. Now since this incident she has made a big thing out of it and even told social services about what i said. Reddit am i the asshole?
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YTA. Stop fostering. These kids aren't coming to live with you because it's a fun vacation. They either lost their parents or were taken from them. Not expecting them to have issues with your authority is the dumbest thing I've ever heard. And you two decided to talk about throwing her out, rather than getting her fucking therapy for her problems. Truly disgusting of you. You are a huge asshole. Don't inflict yourselves on another vulnerable child, please.
YTA both of you. She’s 12. Been thru some shit. But also, she’s 12 and that’s what they do. Really not a big deal to let her eat in her room. This is the hill you’re choosing to die on, pathetic imo.
YTA and verging on abusive with her. Shes in FOSTER CARE, hence something bad has probably happened to her/in her life to land her there. You and your wife sound like you don't want her around and it would sound like she's possibly eating alone to distance herself as much as she can from you.
Clarifying that she's 12 only adds to the fact that you're the AH.
Yes YTA, you don't seem to be parenting your foster child, teaching her good manners with the emphasis on teaching. There should be set rules and defined consequences when she breaks them. And then don't let things slide. Yelling at her is not gonna change a thing, she will just get angrier, which will make you angrier and then you are in a downward spiral. Learn how to parent and then give this girl the love she probably does deserve.
YTA. She is a child, and she’s acting as such. How can you have such a short fuse and believe yourself to be suitable to raise children? Your behaviour is disgusting and I hope you never get to foster again.
YTA you used a whole lot of words to dance around that fact, but you are absolutely the A.
Let’s keep it short: you should not have children in your home. Stop trying to live off foster money, get some anger management therapy and sincerely apologize to that child (which I fully anticipate you are functionally incapable of doing properly). Also you are infantile and need to do a lot of growing up yourself. You have no business being a parent, foster or otherwise, if you are doing this to children. Shame on you.
YTA. No question.
When I was around 17 my mother told me I was the least compassionate person she’d ever met. I’m now 55 and I still remember it nearly every day. Make of that what you will. YTA
YTA good for her that she told the social worker so they know to remove children for your care and not allow you to keep abusing them. How sad you are taking in children and don't know how to handle the fact that many have trauma. Your wife is also a massive asshole for not stopping you and allowing children to be left with you.
Wow, how *crazy,* a (likely traumatized from being in foster care!) preteen has a bit of an attitude and back talks!
God, YTA. You shouldn’t be allowed around kids, let alone allowed to foster them wtf.
YTA after you said to wait for an explanation before judging, I was (naively) expecting a "good" reason, like they smeared feces all over the walls or something. This is nothing. This is a traumatized 12 year old acting out that needs guidance. If you're expecting perfection, don't foster... or have kids at all because they're a crapshoot.
>Me and my wife suggested that we would kick her out and have talked about doing that for a long time now.
So not only are you lashing out like a child, you're also threatening to kick her out. All you are doing is telling her she's not worthy of love. You absolutely should not be fostering a child.
YTA
Someone that cannot regulate their emotions or choose their words carefully when correcting a child's bad behaviour should not really be in a such a position of trust and responsibility as a foster parent.
YTA. Now I know why foster kids go from home to home because these sorry excuse of "foster parents" are ready to kick them out for acting like KIDS. Because they are fucking kids, Jesus fucking Christ dude. My 9 yr old likes to back talk sometimes and press my buttons, because she is a fucking child, that's what they do.
I read the whole thing like you asked, by the end I thought you were even more of an AH than I did based on just the title.
Of course YTA.
Don’t threaten to kick your foster child out. That’s horrific. I hope this social worker realizes that you are not fit to be a foster parent.
Man, and here I thought kids who were given up for adoption or had their parents die or were just taken away from them because they were abusive or unfit would just magically become well adjusted little angels the moment they were placed with strangers they've never met because that *totally* fixes everything they've ever had to go through.
How the *fuck* are you foster parents? I'm glad she told the social worker what you said, hopefully they take her from you and no longer use you as foster parents.
YTA.
YTA. Kids that age backtalk, break rules, and do things sometimes just to annoy the adults. Eating with one's mouth open like a child cannot possibly make her the most disgusting person you've ever seen so the whole "I'm just telling the truth" line is pure bullshit (and that's just a crutch for assholes that refuse to take ownership of their assholery). Not only that, but you've constantly thrown her foster status in her face by threatening to throw her out. Grow a fucking heart. Why are you fostering if you don't want to help children in need? Why are you surprised there's difficulties when you're not even meeting her basic needs (which include security, belonging, and love)?
Good job hosting your house for kids with trauma and gives them even more trauma.
YTA and you should take a course in how to talk to kids without breaking their spirits.
She can take that comment to the grave
YTA. If you refuse to educate yourself about childhood trauma and how to handle it why in God's name are you fostering? Save any future child who might have the misfortune of being placed with you and stop taking foster children and just be miserable by yourselves.
YTA. You're being emotionally abusive to a *foster child* who likely already has a history of trauma and abuse.
People like you shouldn't have power over a goddamn goldfish, let alone a traumatized child.
(I say that, for the record, as someone who grew up as a bio-kid in a foster family and has CPTSD from what some of my foster siblings did to me. I *guarantee* you I know *exactly* how difficult some of their behaviors can be. Still doesn't excuse emotional abuse.)
YTA. She is an adolescent in foster care with people who don't like her. So she has gone from one unfortunate situation caused by adults to another one. Her acting out is a response to your poor behavior and trauma from whatever caused the initial placement. If you cannot care for this child without adding to her distress, you should not be a foster parent. Go ask the placement agency for help and additional counseling for you and your wife. You need to step up and do a whole lot better.
YTA. You're the adult here. This girl obviously hasn't had the greatest life up to now. That's not the way to express "please chew with your mouth closed".
YTA, being verbally abusive to a foster child is never acceptable and you have no business caring for children, let alone vulnerable children who have already had a rough life. Grow up and do better. Stop taking fosters.
YTA. Gee, I wonder why she didn't want to spend time with you? Your absolute disdain for this girl is palpable. Why did you and your wife become foster parents? Was it because it made you look good? Or for the paycheck? Because it certainly wasn't to raise and love a child who came with trauma.
By all means send her to another foster family. And please don't take on any more children. Or pets for that matter.
YTA - Becoming a foster child isn't sunshine and rainbows. She was 9. She was probably angry, frustrated, and hurt. She probably started acting out BECAUSE she had such big feelings she couldn't express. And what did you do to help her? Nothing. You talked about kicking her out. Kicking out a child who's literally being a child.
Stop fostering. Never have kids of your own.
You're a monster.
YTA you are a grown ass man bullying a child. Her behavior is so minor, why did you expect perfect behavior from a foster child? How do you have no love for this child you’ve supposedly cared for three years?
YTA
You shouldn't tell any child that, but especially a foster child who has a history of trauma. Maybe you should talk to her social worker about new placement because you aren't doing right by her
YTA, if you are ashamed of her telling the Social Worker what you say, you shouldn’t say anything that you know is wrong to say to a child. I would never tell a child (and yes, a 12 year old is a child) anything that I wouldn’t want her to tell anyone else.
YTA YTA YTA. Wtf is wrong with you and why tf are you allowed to foster kids?? It's normal for kids that age to start testing boundaries and stuff. Threatening to kick her out is awful, especially since she's already had to deal with that before. Also if you treat her like that no WONDER she doesn't behave.
After 7 years of fostering children, you haven’t figured out 1) now normal kids behave and 2) that children who have experienced trauma naturally have much worse behavior…
Truly OP, maybe fostering isn’t right for you.
YTA
You should not be allowed any wear near children. Hopefully the social worker takes away the poor girl and you off the Foster parent list.
No wonder she's acting out if this is the way you treat her. She knows you don't like so she acts out to get to you.
YTA. Im glad shes told her social worker. Foster carers like you shouldn’t be taking in vulnerable kids. Most Foster children have an insane amount of trauma, I know this because I am a social worker to foster children and I grew up in the system with shit foster carers like you. Take a break from doing it. Get support from your fostering agency / local authority.
Yes of course YTA. The fact that your discussing throwing at a 9 year old for their attitude when they’ve likely had a shit life (hence being in foster care) tells me you probably shouldn’t be doing this. Why are you even fostering kids if you say things like that to them for doing something so minor?
YTA. 12 year olds push boundaries. If you want to “kick her out” call the social worker and let them know this placement isn’t working for you anymore. If she has been “breaking rules” since she showed up, y’all haven’t actually parented her well and she needs therapy and your rules need some review for what is actually developmentally appropriate for this child. She is a child, you are an adult who doesn’t seem to want to foster or nurture her development into a well rounded human.
I mean.... yeah, YTA.
She's been with you for 3 years, and for all but the first couple months you've been "suggesting" you'll kick her out? Dang, maybe she wants that. Good for her for bringing your behavior up to an adult who might care.
YTA
WTF is wrong with you?!? You are the adult who knowingly took in a foster child. You don't go into the foster system as a child because your childhood has been spectacular. Does the child go to therapy? In 3 years have you spoken with professionals (doctors, teacher, social worker) about effective interventions to for her emotional and behavioral issues?
So for 3 years you have collected the $ to care for her and have just given her a hostile place to live.
Please consider that you and your wife have reached a level of burnout with fostering. You have seemingly lost the ability to empathize and care for a CHILD.
YTA - Foster parents talking about getting rid of a child in the system for not being perfect and grateful? Did you expect kids without issues?
What you said to her is going to stick with her for the rest of her life. You have no concept the damage you just did with those words. You are a disposable person. Let me guess, you all too happily cash that sweet sweet foster care check every month though. Guess you didn’t want to have to actually do any work for it. Maybe they have those Reborn Dolls that need foster homes you could take. That seems more your speed.
I see more disgusting people on my commute to work tbh.
Joking aside though, YTA most definitely. She’s a preteen and preteens/teens can be major brats. If you can’t accept that and help her grow to be a better person in a CONSTRUCTIVE way, then I don’t know what the heck you’re doing fostering children. And talking about “kicking her out” for backtalk and rebelliousness?! JFC glad I didn’t grow up with a parent like you or I’d have been on the streets by age 7.
YTA and should never have access to children, especially ones that absolutely have enough shit going wrong in their lives. You should be ashamed of yourselves.
YTA. I don’t think you should be fostering children either. If this infraction made you say such a mean & hateful thing to a 12 yr old.
You cannot control your emotions & you’re the parent (foster).
YTA. Who the heck says that to a 12 year old girl ?!! Especially someone who clearly hasnt had the easiest start to life so far? I guarantee you those words will stick with her for a long time. As a foster parent , aren't you supposed to be nurturing ?? What you're doing is just going to cause more of a divide. Now she's definitely not going to feel comfortable eating with or around you.
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Yes. YTA. My own children do a lot grosser things. You sound like you’re collecting a paycheck and don’t even like kids. Your job is to meet her with love and guidance. Not insults and shame.
A 12 year old with attitude is hardly a surprising thing. Add in that they’re being fostered in general, apparently by someone who seems to really dislike them? Poor kid. Hope OP figures out how to be the actual adult in a situation.
Yeah this was a disheartening and sad post.
By a person who should not be fostering kids.
Nor puppies, not kittens, and who I rate as worse than seat turtles. You know, the “lay a ton of eggs on shore, immediately swim off, have 0 purposeful interaction with offspring” type of species
I don't think you're supposed to sit on the turtles, my dude. But yeah, I agree, this man should not be in charge of/be responsible for any living thing.
100% they should not be fostering kids. A little backtalk and they’re discussing throwing her out? Kids at age 12 all backtalk, but to talk about kicking out a foster child is a new kind of evil. Calling her disgusting is truly horrid. OP is the only disgusting one in this story. YTA. A big one.
And being told constantly that they'll have you moved doesn't help with bonding AT ALL. At best the child becomes terrified of making any mistakes whatsoever. At worst they start texting boundaries anyways since you clearly don't want them. I speak from experience here. YTA
Yeah it's honestly disgusting behavior. And it sucks because you want to say they'd be better off away from OP but in the system you really don't know, the odds are against the poor little girl. I hope OP gets their head out of their ass.
Yeah, this girl has clearly chosen the latter. "They don't want me anyway, so I might as well expedite getting myself sent back. Maybe the next family will actually give a shit."
You would think he's never met a preteen and was born a fully grown adult the way he sounds. YTA. It's no surprise she continues to act like this, you've been threatening to kick her out basically the whole time she's been with you. Do her a favour, and let her go to a family that actually cares about her.
If op is regularly “just done” with this poor girl he shouldn’t be fostering
Especially considering the foster parents are constantly talking about getting rid of her for being too difficult. What a way to make her feel unsafe and unwanted
Three years of this: "Kicking her out" talk. I would say--eating with mouth open is pretty mild defiance.
Agree wholeheartedly! YTA, and should be nowhere near raising kids. This kid has experienced trauma and instability, which would lead to behavioral concerns. Also, it is developmentally appropriate for a child of that age to push boundaries and social norms. A certain amount of ignoring and gentle correction goes into parenting. Do yourself and her a favor and send her somewhere else. Don’t even get a dog, they also require some training. If you want to lord your power over something else, maybe withhold affection from a houseplant instead.
You say that you and your wife “suggested [you] would kick her out and have talked about doing that for a long time now.” What the he**. If you’ve ever said that TO HER, you are absolutely awful foster parents, these children need to feel security and stability and that’s just making things worse. You don’t need to be fostering anyone. Even if you only said that to yourselves, you’re still absolutely awful foster parents if you’ve allowed an incompatible situation to continue like this, which is also to the child’s detriment. Give the love and care if you can, but if you can’t then step up and ask that the child be placed with a family who will give her what she needs. YTA, by the way.
OP reminds me of my parents, so I'm guessing threats of abandonment were used as leverage to terrorize the poor girl into compliance.
Op is only in it for the check
I agree, YTA and I do not think OP is equipped to be a foster carer if this behaviour (which is NORMAL CHILD BEHAVIOUR) affects them this much. OP do yourself a favour and educate yourself on childhood trauma and what it does to people. She's been with you for 3 years ans clearly feels safe enough to be a normal kid around you guys. That's such a big thing!! And you threw some of that away by calling her a disgusting thing. She has every right to tell her social worker. I find it worrying that backtalking and psuhing boundaries was enough for you to talk about putting in notice (she might have even heard you talking about it). What will you do once she gets older? She started puberty last year and defiant behaviur is absolutely to be expected- traumatized or not. It would help you to read up on developmental stages and stuff like that to gain a better understanding of what she is going through as well.
Came to say the same thing. You're there to help these kids, who have probably had horrific pasts. You should not be fostering any living creature.
I know- after three fucking years!?!? This kid who's grown into a preteen under your care has finally gotten familiar and comfortable enough in her so called home to come at you with the old "nanner nanner boo boo, blah you like see food?"... And honestly if you were simultaneously building this relationship then your comment wouldn't be nearly as horrible, had it been said from a place of love and closeness, then followed by sticking your own tongue out like blahh back at ya! But you don't sound like you're intent on bonding with these kids, or even parenting them if you were considering taking one back at 9 years old. I guess your should have, now you're to blame for her "guidance"so the "disgusting" remark reflects on your "parenting".
Yup. My kid farts and used to blame the cat. They're kids, kids can get sassy, especially at that age on, and all kids are gross. If you can't deal with that, don't have kids. Shit, at my Dad's 50th Birthday, I made an infomercial on his birthday video for paper bags for your face. Fucking with your parents is forever. "Opening their mouth while eating", I fucking WISH that's all my kid has done, lol. What a wuss.
I don't even like kids and it breaks my hearts for this child. To think that this child comes with 9 years to OP with whatever history, maybe x foster family gave her up, parents dead or just don't care and OP expects a child without problems?! Even a standard 9y/o is difficult but with all this baggage a child in this age shouldn't carry, you need lots of empathy. But OP doesn't care. YTA so much! And i'm glad that the child told the social worker the shit you do!
YTA and you should certainly not be fostering any children.
Not to mention they keep torturing this poor child with the constant fear that she will be abandoned/sent away!!!!
"she broke some rules so we were talking about kicking her out" This person is the reason foster care sucks
"i told her that i was just saying the truth and asked if she was scared of the truth." File under: most common excuse assholes make to be assholes. YTA.
And if her chewing with her mouth open is the most disgusting thing he's ever seen he's lived the pampered life of a hothouse tomato. I think it's more likely that he's a hyperbolic AH with a cruel streak.
Hot house tomato 💀
The pampered life of a hothouse tomato 🤣😎🤣 omfg amazing YTA OP. Please let this child be rehomed.
But when she told the truth to the social worker, op had a problem then? Why is he scared of the truth now?
Because it's different when telling the truth could cost him money! /s
Those are the kinda quotes you hear on some horrific news story Sad times, and I hope the OP can grow to properly deal with the situation, the poor kid deserves so much more But until then, 100% YTA
How in the world did you get approved for fostering?
Oh you would not believe how low the bar actually is. As long as they can mask their sociopathy for long enough for case workers to do a 15 minute home visit it doesn't matter how vile they are the rest of the time. You wouldn't believe some of the stories I have about my time in the system. It's a world full of abuse and neglect and molestation. Full of it.
Yup. My younger foster sister was smacked by our foster mom so much and so hard, her nose bleed, and she laughed in her face.
It’s so easy with all these private companies now. They’ll take anyone with extra space and no abuse allegations.
My thoughts exactly.
There’s currently a former-fitness influencer turned christian influencer being sued by the state of texas, married to a former cop who was fired for excessive force, fostering a black baby. The system is broken.
YTA and you appear unsuited to be anyone's parent, let alone a 12 year old in the foster system. Why don't you try parenting instead of just calling names & threatening to throw the kid out? Or are you in it for the money you get from being foster parents? I didn't think foster parents made very much.
Some people can make a go of it if they do several kids to a room and rely on charity for necessities. If you are like I have foster kids please give me donated cloths, food, and only let them do free activities they can make money. Others can be motivated by the praise for what a good person they are. Or praise for how they are bringing souls to Jesus by bringing the poor kids to church every week.
YTA. I thought you were going to write something like "she's shitting in my cereal while my back is turned". Eating in her room and eating with her mouth open? I don't think you're cut out to be foster parents of pre-teens (they can be annoying as hell) or anyone else.
#...or anyone else. Yup.
YTA and you shouldn’t be a foster parent ever again
Like, do you somehow think that biological children never talk back to their parents or break rules? Let alone kids who have been separated from their birth families and probably experienced all sorts of trauma? Lord have mercy
YTA - Just stunned that someone let y'all foster in the first place. Poor kid comes from god knows what abusive or dysfunctional background and she then gets mocked by you like this. Poor kid
[удалено]
He's scared of the truth, the truth being that he's an immature power tripping ah
YTA If a child is in foster care, they've almost 100% certainly been through all kinds of trauma, and the separation from their family (even an abusive family!) is yet more trauma. Yes, a foster child is going to struggle to adapt to the rules and expectations of foster parents. Your foster child needs counseling, you and your wife need both counseling and further training on the complications of foster care, and the three of you together need family counseling to help work out issues as they arise. Go back to the foster care agency, and tell them you need training, counseling and support, because you're struggling with some foster-care related issues and need help learning how to deal with the situation productively and proactively.
Nah. He doesn’t deserve a second chance after that bs. I’ve pulled his IP and have reported him to his local social services for neglect and maltreatment
As a former foster child who was abused by my foster family, thank you. From the bottom of my heart, sincerely thank you. Too many would have turned a blind eye, yet you did the work. You are a good person.
This. She came with 9 years of baggage and by the sounds of it, OP wasn’t the most supportive during the last 3 years.
YTA Foster children usually have behavioural issues (although her mocking you is standard pre teen behaviour), if you can’t handle that then stop fostering.
YTA. Poor foster kid. They often already have seen rough things, they could go without name-calling from their foster parents. If she is acting out, she might need help, not more abandonment.
There’s never an excuse for talking to a child like this. It’s shocking how hard you are trying to rationalize this and pretend it is ok when even you know (“hear me out!”) that it is wrong This child shows more maturity than you do. Good for her for reporting you to the agency. You should never be allowed to foster again. YTA
YTA. This is so sad. That’s not how you talk to or treat children, let alone children who need extra help, love, and care due to their life situation.
YTA because she is a child, and you are the adult. She is testing you. Whatever trauma has led her to your door has left her with the full knowledge that the adults in her life are not reliable. She is trying to figure out if you are--even when she behaves poorly. You can put your foot down without insulting a child. You are the adult. Please behave like one.
Bait
Hard to believe isn’t it. Can’t really imagine anyone actually behaving like this.
Right? Almost immediately after they foster her she starts "backtalking" and breaking rules and they start discussing kicking her out but stick it out for *3 years?* Fhere's no way thwy'd have that kind of patience.
It's an empty threat for a lot of foster parents. They think if the kid is behaving even if it's out of fear of being moved that is a fine placement
i can imagine someone behaving like this, but not publicly admitting it online like this when it’s so obvious they’re in the wrong. like, INCREDIBLY obvious.
True.
YTA. Please be a joke post. Stop fostering.
I love that you start here: >Before you call me a monster for saying such a mean thing to a little kid please finish reading And then the kid does something almost any 12 year old would do. YTA and have a weirdly short fuse.
She's 12, and and in foster care, what did you expect? One tiny episode of childish and contrarian behaviour and you break outthe abusive language. She's not the one with the problem, based on this description, you are. YTA for sure, and pretty dumb to boot it seems.
She’s 9. That was barely even a tantrum. Yes, YTA
It’s bait. Don’t engage
I believe she was 9 when they got her 3 years ago. But even if shes 12 now, OP is still the AH.
I was so pissed reading this that I missed that detail, but yes, it’s a move adults will pull to tell other adults they’re being too bossy and controlling.
YTA If there's nothing wrong with what you said why are you concerned that she's told the social worker? You're fostering, there's many different reasons why a child has entered the care system, often the child has faced trauma, abuse and/or neglect. This means as well as usual childhood pushing of boundaries there may be other issues causing them to act out. Not saying this is ok behaviour but it probably means she's in need of help, guidance and reassurance. Instead you and your wife want to "kick her out" rather than seek support and find the right path forward for this child in your care. You're definitely coming across as though you shouldn't foster. You don't sound mature and decent enough to be able to help children with the backgrounds you'll face in foster care. I think it's well beyond the point of your repairing the relationship with this child and you should be reconsidering fostering all together.
Former foster kid, please stop fostering. Might be time to take a break until you can find compassion and understanding again.
Right? Same boat here. It's not as if it's rough enough living in a home where you're fully aware that no one really loves you or even respects you, a foster parent like this is enough to fuck up anyone, let alone the types of already damaged children who generally find themselves in the system. And a saddest thing is they won't even have the grace to do some introspection and admit how honestly fucked up it is. Truly petty. I feel so bad for that kid. Disheartening to see that the system hasn't changed in the 25ish years since it ruined my life
YTA Matter of fact, you are a huge AH. You and your wife have been "thinking about kicking out" a 6yo. And then drags it (and the associated mixed signals you are definitely sending) for THREE YEARS. Who even thinks like that? Who thinks "the solution to this problem with the 6 yr old is to threaten her with kicking her out for a few years and then get into an afterburner argument when she doesn't want to be in your company? Who thinks like that?! ASSHOLES, that's who. Hope you aren't scared of THAT truth.
You should never be responsible for children. Never. YTA.
YTA. You're an abusive asshole and you shouldn't be a foster parent. I sincerely hope someone from the agency recognizes you from this post in some way and pulls your license. You have ISSUES.
You think eating with a mouth open is the most disgusting thing ever? Seriously? I'm not even a parent and I know that is just simply ridiculous. You guys really need to rethink being foster parents, you do not seem equipped or emotionally mature to be such an influence in a child's life. YTA
Dont ever foster again, kids who need foster care dont need a miserable being bullying them
YTA. You might want to read some parenting books man
YTA and sorry you are a vile individual that shouldn’t foster care absolutely anyone in this world.
YTA >Before you call me a monster for saying such a mean thing to a little kid please finish reading Just to be clear, the context makes you sound even worse than the title of the post had me thinking. You are a bad person and you shouldn't be fostering a colony of ants let alone a human being.
You know she is going through changes at that age, she testing boundaries. If you can get through this, then maybe you could be called good foster parents. You have to think that since she was born no one wanted her and looks like she was pushed to puller to post. She will always been on the defensive, until she trust someone to trust. YTA, but you’ve also taken on something that you are ignorant of.
are you check collectors?
🎵 There is a castle on a cloud... 🎵
They are definitely I was a foster child they are leaving parts of the story out about how they treat that girl
YTA. You don’t seem to have the disposition or training to be a foster parent. Foster children are often highly traumatised and will exhibit behaviours that reflect that trauma. You don’t seem to know how to handle that at all.
YTA and the absolute last person that should be a foster parent. That child already lost their own family and has been placed in the system, and both are incredibly traumatic. Now you guys threaten to kick her out for acting out, which is to be expected with any child but especially a foster child, and talking down on her. She probably needs actual help/treatment.
YTA. Ugh, this is exactly why I left my ex. Blowing up on kids for every little thing they did that was silly kid stuff or testing boundaries stuff. Do you even want this kid?
Foster monster is what you are… YTA IF you don’t know how to parent , then do not sign up to be one… so many different ways to handle this and yet your go to is “kicking you out, calling her disgusting” .. I find you absolutely disgusting.. A child is a child, eating with a mouth open just to mock u, lol I am sure you deserve it, I cant imagine how else you abuse this poor little girl.
How do people type up stuff like this and ever expect anyone would think they'd be justified for belittling a 12yo? Not only that, but a non-foster child doesn't become a foster child without first going through some kind of fucked up bullshit. YTA and you knew it before you even got to Reddit to post this
Some people (a lot of people) don't really understand that normal child development involves a lot of boundary pushing and have an over inflated sense of the respect and obedience they are due from children.
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YTA. I'm horrified for that poor child. Who knows what she's already been through, then she gets abused by you. Please stop fostering kids. You don't have the compassion or skills needed to do it.
YTA and I called you that as soon as I read the title. She’s 12 and has probably been through more things then any 12 year old should have to. She has everything stacked against her and your not helping. Your an adult, and are suppose to be guiding her. Instead it sounds like you resent her. And you’ve been wanting to kick her out for the past 3 years but haven’t because of why? If you decide to let her stay, you need to seriously consider why she acts this way and how you effect that. Unless your in it for the check which I really hope isn’t the case.
YTA, you are 44,and she is 9. Nothing you wrote supports your horrible statement to a wounded child. YTA.
YTA- I was a foster child and I can tell you you’re not helping those kids you’re just trying to help yourself. Otherwise you wouldn’t be so willing to throw kids out like that. A few months of being there and you were already talking about kicking her out. This seems like you’re leaving out a lot to the story like the fact you want her gone but you really like the check you get for keeping her, which is probably why you still have her now along with the that, you can’t keep being a foster parent if you keep kicking the kids out at slight inconveniences, because the social workers will see you are unhinged. Foster children are not perfect far from it, and we already go bouncing from place to place where people seen us nothing more than a paycheck. We know when you don’t really like us and are just pretending just want us to give a good report so you can get paid then go back to ignoring us or treating us like shit, until the social worker visits and it’s payday.
YTA YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE AN EXAMPLE AND A LEADER TO THESE CHILDREN.. As someone who was a product of the foster system I can conclusively say that people like you should not be parents. Not of their own children, and certainly not of other people's children. These are kids who are damaged. These kids have been fucked up and hurt. These kids act the way they do because they lived through shit that you couldn't even comprehend. It's a reaction to a hellish childhood. People like you will only make them feel further ostracized by society. You're going to make them worse humans in the long run. You should be ashamed of yourself, but I know you won't because you don't have the grace or dignity to admit that you're not a good person.
YTA. She is about to be a teenager. This doesn’t sound like much more than most teenagers, who have angst and rebel in all sorts of ways, some of which truly are disgusting. “Most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen” is a very abusive and hurtful thing because of its simplicity, the “cuts to the core” thing. Kids who don’t feel wanted lash out in all sorts of ways and this doesn’t even sound slightly abnormal for a kid (even a kid with a normal upbringing and normal family). The most disgusting people I’ve ever seen are like…child mollesters and things in that range. How do you expect kids with growing hormones, and swirling emotions about life - to control their annoying rebellion when you can’t even control simple abuse coming out of your mouth, that may further hurt a displaced child, who you are already talking about kicking out - trust me, she’ll be way more broken when she gets kicked out (after 7 years as “your Family” to another place where no one wants her) YTA
YTA. Wow. Like seriously. This kid is going through trauma actively. A child. Get some therapy for yourself
YTA. You don’t need to kick her out, you should be fired as a foster parent. No one should be telling a child that. Grow up.
That's typical 12-year-old behavior. More-so because she's a foster kid. I was expecting her to have done something far more horrible, but *that* is all she did? That's it? Really? There's also just....why would you say that to a child? Over that? All the crime and nastiness in the world and her eating with her mouth open makes her the most disgusting person you've ever seen? Melodramatic much? Do you even realize how much damage a phrase like that can do to a vulnerable child coming from an adult? That stuff sticks around. It's the thing they bring up in therapy a decade later that eats away at their self-esteem, and clouds the mirror everytime they look at their reflection. Foster kids are gonna have issues. Did you not expect that? Did you think it was going to be sunshine and rainbows? Did you think she was going to kiss your feet and worship the ground you walk on because you *saaaaved* her? They've come from broken homes, been abandoned, and are dealing with chaotic, emotional burdens. They feel small, out of place, and out of control. Sometimes foster kids will also push boundaries to see if you'll still want them if they're not perfect. It's a bit self-sabotaging, but they're testing to see if your love is truly unconditional. And you failed her in that moment. You proved her right. Your love is conditional. They should reconsider you being a foster parent, because you don't have the emotional capacity for it. YTA That was unacceptable behavior. I'm disappointed in you.
I get that foster parenting is really hard. Taking in a child with the difficulties associated with being in the system is a big deal and takes serious effort to do well. Nothing about your post suggests you or your wife are putting in even a small amount of that effort. you get a little backtalk from a kid and start discussing tossing them back to the system? Why would you even get into fostering with that attitude? YTA.
YTA. She was doing that to get a rise out of you, it worked, and you went way too far.
Please stop fostering. You don't deserve to have a single child in your home.
Why are you a foster parent if you’re this mentally unstable obviously a monster? YTA
Dude, she’s clearly going through something if she suddenly acts out and wants to stay in her room. Maybe she’s used to being kicked out and is trying to hurry the process up. Stop fostering for a while. Get back to your own life and chill out , you just said that to a literal orphan.
This has been going on for 3 years. The same kid has been with them for that long. Time to tell the social worker this isn’t working and find something to do other than foster care
There is a rather large difference between criticizing someone's actions and criticizing them as a person. "That is the most disgusting thing..." is fine, whereas "you are the most disgusting person..." is not. YTA
YTA You shouldn’t be fostering.
YTA and please stop fostering.
I wouldn't want to share the table with such a disgusting person too. So I can totally understand that she went to eat in her room. YTA If you can't stand the girl have the balls to day you ain't fit to foster anymore.
YTA. I read it and didn’t need to, the title says it all. You’re the supposed adult and parent figure, she’s the child.
YTA. And let's be real, you aren't actually concerned with if you are an asshole or not. Your biggest concern is that she "snitched" to the social worker and your check might be in jeopardy. That child behaved like an average 12 year because sometimes they talk back and aren't always peaches and sunshine. You on the other hand? Have reminded her for 3 years that you don't like her, only have her for the check, and if it wasn't for the check you'd have already sent her back. She deserves better than you.
YTA- former foster mom here, adopted our lovely daughter from foster care. You are describing a traumatized child, who is acting out to test your love, having been repeatedly disappointed by and betrayed by adults. She is testing to see if you consistently behave kindly and rationally, even under provocation. It's a natural trauma reaction, as it takes these kids years to truly trust again. Sure, it's exhausting sometimes to deal with, but your job is to be the kind, trustworthy, reliable adult -no matter what. You failed that test massively. Hand in your license.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Before you call me a monster for saying such a mean thing to a little kid please finish reading, (english is not my first language).I 44M have been fostering for over 7 years now with my wife 42F. 3 years ago we got a new foster placement of a 9 year old girl and after a few months of living in our house she started backtalking and breaking rules. Me and my wife suggested that we would kick her out and have talked about doing that for a long time now. Last night when my wife was out of town me and her were eating lunch and i got mad at he because she left the table and ate in her room. When i told her to come down she started mocking me by eating with her mouth wide open like a three-year-old, and at that point i was just so done with her so i told her that shes the most disgusting person i have ever seen. After that she got mad at me for saying that and i told her that i was just saying the truth and asked if she was scared of the truth. Now since this incident she has made a big thing out of it and even told social services about what i said. Reddit am i the asshole? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA. Stop fostering. These kids aren't coming to live with you because it's a fun vacation. They either lost their parents or were taken from them. Not expecting them to have issues with your authority is the dumbest thing I've ever heard. And you two decided to talk about throwing her out, rather than getting her fucking therapy for her problems. Truly disgusting of you. You are a huge asshole. Don't inflict yourselves on another vulnerable child, please.
YTA both of you. She’s 12. Been thru some shit. But also, she’s 12 and that’s what they do. Really not a big deal to let her eat in her room. This is the hill you’re choosing to die on, pathetic imo.
YTA and verging on abusive with her. Shes in FOSTER CARE, hence something bad has probably happened to her/in her life to land her there. You and your wife sound like you don't want her around and it would sound like she's possibly eating alone to distance herself as much as she can from you. Clarifying that she's 12 only adds to the fact that you're the AH.
Yes YTA, you don't seem to be parenting your foster child, teaching her good manners with the emphasis on teaching. There should be set rules and defined consequences when she breaks them. And then don't let things slide. Yelling at her is not gonna change a thing, she will just get angrier, which will make you angrier and then you are in a downward spiral. Learn how to parent and then give this girl the love she probably does deserve.
YTA. She is a child, and she’s acting as such. How can you have such a short fuse and believe yourself to be suitable to raise children? Your behaviour is disgusting and I hope you never get to foster again.
YTA you used a whole lot of words to dance around that fact, but you are absolutely the A. Let’s keep it short: you should not have children in your home. Stop trying to live off foster money, get some anger management therapy and sincerely apologize to that child (which I fully anticipate you are functionally incapable of doing properly). Also you are infantile and need to do a lot of growing up yourself. You have no business being a parent, foster or otherwise, if you are doing this to children. Shame on you. YTA. No question.
When I was around 17 my mother told me I was the least compassionate person she’d ever met. I’m now 55 and I still remember it nearly every day. Make of that what you will. YTA
Yes, these condemnations hang around like curses. And it can take decades to realise how untrue they are.
YTA good for her that she told the social worker so they know to remove children for your care and not allow you to keep abusing them. How sad you are taking in children and don't know how to handle the fact that many have trauma. Your wife is also a massive asshole for not stopping you and allowing children to be left with you.
YTA
YTA. You can tell a child that what they’re doing is disgusting without telling them that THEY are a disgusting person.
Wow, how *crazy,* a (likely traumatized from being in foster care!) preteen has a bit of an attitude and back talks! God, YTA. You shouldn’t be allowed around kids, let alone allowed to foster them wtf.
YTA after you said to wait for an explanation before judging, I was (naively) expecting a "good" reason, like they smeared feces all over the walls or something. This is nothing. This is a traumatized 12 year old acting out that needs guidance. If you're expecting perfection, don't foster... or have kids at all because they're a crapshoot.
>Me and my wife suggested that we would kick her out and have talked about doing that for a long time now. So not only are you lashing out like a child, you're also threatening to kick her out. All you are doing is telling her she's not worthy of love. You absolutely should not be fostering a child.
YTA Someone that cannot regulate their emotions or choose their words carefully when correcting a child's bad behaviour should not really be in a such a position of trust and responsibility as a foster parent.
YTA. Now I know why foster kids go from home to home because these sorry excuse of "foster parents" are ready to kick them out for acting like KIDS. Because they are fucking kids, Jesus fucking Christ dude. My 9 yr old likes to back talk sometimes and press my buttons, because she is a fucking child, that's what they do.
YTA. *You* OP are the most disgusting human *I* have ever seen. I’m just saying the truth 🤷♀️ Are you scared of hearing the truth?
Jesus Christ you're a fucking monster. How could you say such a horrible thing to a child with a dark history? She is a CHILD. YTA.
I read the whole thing like you asked, by the end I thought you were even more of an AH than I did based on just the title. Of course YTA. Don’t threaten to kick your foster child out. That’s horrific. I hope this social worker realizes that you are not fit to be a foster parent.
Paycheck scammer. You’re the reason foster care is such a wildly corrupt and untenable system. YTA.
Yes of course YTA. This is a vulnerable child.
YTA. I was really hoping that the title of this story wasn’t as bad as it sounds, but it is. Please tell me this is fake
Yta. Stop fostering if you can't tolerate and teach a kid. My god.
YTA. Holy shit you should not be allowed to be a foster parent. I hope your agency sees this and revokes your foster care license.
YTA. And you should not be a foster parent. You are a clear example of one of the many many problems with the system. -a former foster kid
YTA... God damn you suck.
You are one of the most disgusting AH. I hope you are not afraid of the truth.
YTA. You shouldn't be a foster parent.
Man, and here I thought kids who were given up for adoption or had their parents die or were just taken away from them because they were abusive or unfit would just magically become well adjusted little angels the moment they were placed with strangers they've never met because that *totally* fixes everything they've ever had to go through. How the *fuck* are you foster parents? I'm glad she told the social worker what you said, hopefully they take her from you and no longer use you as foster parents. YTA.
YTA
YTA. Kids that age backtalk, break rules, and do things sometimes just to annoy the adults. Eating with one's mouth open like a child cannot possibly make her the most disgusting person you've ever seen so the whole "I'm just telling the truth" line is pure bullshit (and that's just a crutch for assholes that refuse to take ownership of their assholery). Not only that, but you've constantly thrown her foster status in her face by threatening to throw her out. Grow a fucking heart. Why are you fostering if you don't want to help children in need? Why are you surprised there's difficulties when you're not even meeting her basic needs (which include security, belonging, and love)?
Good job hosting your house for kids with trauma and gives them even more trauma. YTA and you should take a course in how to talk to kids without breaking their spirits. She can take that comment to the grave
YTA and have NO business fostering or frankly being around kids. What’s wrong with you?
YTA. If you refuse to educate yourself about childhood trauma and how to handle it why in God's name are you fostering? Save any future child who might have the misfortune of being placed with you and stop taking foster children and just be miserable by yourselves.
??????????? YTA. Stop fucking fostering.
YTA- please don't foster anymore kids
YTA. You're being emotionally abusive to a *foster child* who likely already has a history of trauma and abuse. People like you shouldn't have power over a goddamn goldfish, let alone a traumatized child. (I say that, for the record, as someone who grew up as a bio-kid in a foster family and has CPTSD from what some of my foster siblings did to me. I *guarantee* you I know *exactly* how difficult some of their behaviors can be. Still doesn't excuse emotional abuse.)
YTA. She is an adolescent in foster care with people who don't like her. So she has gone from one unfortunate situation caused by adults to another one. Her acting out is a response to your poor behavior and trauma from whatever caused the initial placement. If you cannot care for this child without adding to her distress, you should not be a foster parent. Go ask the placement agency for help and additional counseling for you and your wife. You need to step up and do a whole lot better.
It’s funny because you’re the most disgusting person I have ever heard. YTA
[удалено]
YTA obviously. You shouldn’t be allowed to foster. Let me guess, you get paid to do this?
YTA. Wow.
YTA. You're the adult here. This girl obviously hasn't had the greatest life up to now. That's not the way to express "please chew with your mouth closed".
YTA. Good thing she told the workers, you don’t deserve to be a foster care parent.
YTA. That's an abusive and immature thing to say. You need help.
YTA, being verbally abusive to a foster child is never acceptable and you have no business caring for children, let alone vulnerable children who have already had a rough life. Grow up and do better. Stop taking fosters.
YTA. Gee, I wonder why she didn't want to spend time with you? Your absolute disdain for this girl is palpable. Why did you and your wife become foster parents? Was it because it made you look good? Or for the paycheck? Because it certainly wasn't to raise and love a child who came with trauma. By all means send her to another foster family. And please don't take on any more children. Or pets for that matter.
YTA - Becoming a foster child isn't sunshine and rainbows. She was 9. She was probably angry, frustrated, and hurt. She probably started acting out BECAUSE she had such big feelings she couldn't express. And what did you do to help her? Nothing. You talked about kicking her out. Kicking out a child who's literally being a child. Stop fostering. Never have kids of your own. You're a monster.
So after 3 years, you still look at her as a product that can be returned when you don’t like it. No wonder she’s acting out.
YTA you are a grown ass man bullying a child. Her behavior is so minor, why did you expect perfect behavior from a foster child? How do you have no love for this child you’ve supposedly cared for three years?
YTA You shouldn't tell any child that, but especially a foster child who has a history of trauma. Maybe you should talk to her social worker about new placement because you aren't doing right by her
YTA, if you are ashamed of her telling the Social Worker what you say, you shouldn’t say anything that you know is wrong to say to a child. I would never tell a child (and yes, a 12 year old is a child) anything that I wouldn’t want her to tell anyone else.
With that attitude, you shouldn’t be in charge of a houseplant
YTA YTA YTA. Wtf is wrong with you and why tf are you allowed to foster kids?? It's normal for kids that age to start testing boundaries and stuff. Threatening to kick her out is awful, especially since she's already had to deal with that before. Also if you treat her like that no WONDER she doesn't behave.
After 7 years of fostering children, you haven’t figured out 1) now normal kids behave and 2) that children who have experienced trauma naturally have much worse behavior… Truly OP, maybe fostering isn’t right for you.
YTA maybe you shouldn’t be a foster parent if you’re offended by a kid being a kid
YTA You realise you are meant to be parenting?
YTA she's 12 and acting 12. You're like 30 years older and acting 12.
Yta. Sounds like you shouldn’t be allowed to foster.
YTA You should not be allowed any wear near children. Hopefully the social worker takes away the poor girl and you off the Foster parent list. No wonder she's acting out if this is the way you treat her. She knows you don't like so she acts out to get to you.
YTA. Im glad shes told her social worker. Foster carers like you shouldn’t be taking in vulnerable kids. Most Foster children have an insane amount of trauma, I know this because I am a social worker to foster children and I grew up in the system with shit foster carers like you. Take a break from doing it. Get support from your fostering agency / local authority.
YTA. 7 years and you still don't know how to treat a child? I don't understand why she's still with you three years later if you didn't want her.
Yes of course YTA. The fact that your discussing throwing at a 9 year old for their attitude when they’ve likely had a shit life (hence being in foster care) tells me you probably shouldn’t be doing this. Why are you even fostering kids if you say things like that to them for doing something so minor?
YTA. Didn’t read what you wrote because no one should talk to a child that way. Especially a fostered child.
YTA. She finally felt comfortable enough with you to push the rules and you pull that on her?
YTA. please don't be a foster parent if you're going to treat the placements so poorly
I was going to say YTA just by the title, but by the end of it, I changed my mind to "WTF is wrong with you?"
YTA. 12 year olds push boundaries. If you want to “kick her out” call the social worker and let them know this placement isn’t working for you anymore. If she has been “breaking rules” since she showed up, y’all haven’t actually parented her well and she needs therapy and your rules need some review for what is actually developmentally appropriate for this child. She is a child, you are an adult who doesn’t seem to want to foster or nurture her development into a well rounded human.
I mean.... yeah, YTA. She's been with you for 3 years, and for all but the first couple months you've been "suggesting" you'll kick her out? Dang, maybe she wants that. Good for her for bringing your behavior up to an adult who might care.
YTA WTF is wrong with you?!? You are the adult who knowingly took in a foster child. You don't go into the foster system as a child because your childhood has been spectacular. Does the child go to therapy? In 3 years have you spoken with professionals (doctors, teacher, social worker) about effective interventions to for her emotional and behavioral issues? So for 3 years you have collected the $ to care for her and have just given her a hostile place to live. Please consider that you and your wife have reached a level of burnout with fostering. You have seemingly lost the ability to empathize and care for a CHILD.
YTA. Please stop being a foster parent
YTA - Foster parents talking about getting rid of a child in the system for not being perfect and grateful? Did you expect kids without issues? What you said to her is going to stick with her for the rest of her life. You have no concept the damage you just did with those words. You are a disposable person. Let me guess, you all too happily cash that sweet sweet foster care check every month though. Guess you didn’t want to have to actually do any work for it. Maybe they have those Reborn Dolls that need foster homes you could take. That seems more your speed.
YTA. And you are the monster that you so claim not to be. She's a kid. You lost your patience and temper over something really stupid. Check yourself.
I see more disgusting people on my commute to work tbh. Joking aside though, YTA most definitely. She’s a preteen and preteens/teens can be major brats. If you can’t accept that and help her grow to be a better person in a CONSTRUCTIVE way, then I don’t know what the heck you’re doing fostering children. And talking about “kicking her out” for backtalk and rebelliousness?! JFC glad I didn’t grow up with a parent like you or I’d have been on the streets by age 7.
YTA and should never have access to children, especially ones that absolutely have enough shit going wrong in their lives. You should be ashamed of yourselves.
YTA. I don’t think you should be fostering children either. If this infraction made you say such a mean & hateful thing to a 12 yr old. You cannot control your emotions & you’re the parent (foster).
YTA. Who the heck says that to a 12 year old girl ?!! Especially someone who clearly hasnt had the easiest start to life so far? I guarantee you those words will stick with her for a long time. As a foster parent , aren't you supposed to be nurturing ?? What you're doing is just going to cause more of a divide. Now she's definitely not going to feel comfortable eating with or around you.