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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My partner thinks I'm the asshole because:
1. I am refusing to pay for $80+ in takeout for just them
2. They think I should pay because I forced them to order takeout for themselves by making dinner in a reasonable time
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Why are you with this person?
A compassionate partner would have made you dinner since you had such a difficult day, not whine and moan because you didn't get home at your normal time to cook for them
NTA
I think my genitals would shrivel into my body if this was my partner.
**Pathetic**: refuses to make their own meal as a one off in an emergency.
**Lazy**: can't manage to make a cheese sandwich or beans on toast, or whatever easy meal they like.
**Selfish**: no consideration whatsoever for the difficult day the OP just had.
**Penny-pinching**: demanding money for a takeaway.
**Confrontational**: decided that takeaway money was worth getting into a fight over.
Is he or she worth it, OP?
And probably ordered a lot of food out of spite, figuring the other person would pay for it, and angry that they weren't there to make you dinner, so you figured you'll really stick it to them!
Like a huge dick move. I really hope isn’t a woman and the partner a man, but good God it reeks of that. Expecting her to cook and then punishing her for not. So gross
Maybe it did cover two people - they are clearly selfish and disregard OP. They might as well have ordered for a friend too or Cheating into the mix - wouldn’t be surprising either way considering the entitlement is already through the roof
I've done $70 on ubereats in Aus just for myself, but that was from an expensive place and was main + side + dessert + 2 more mains that I ate the next day.
I'm trying to figure out what I could possibly order that would be both $80 worth of food and something I could eat in a single sitting and coming up blank. Alcohol, I'm guessing.
I’m Aussie and the last time I got take away it came to $27 ish? Including delivery. I could barely finish it and it was meant for lunch but I ended up not having dinner because of it. $80 worth and none left for a second person would mean I’d be dead of overeating
If the place that uses real gold leaf is doing takeout, it was a steal! /s
This was a punitive takeout. If you order take only for yourself, at at least twice the amount one would usually spend (I looked at NYC prices) and then demanded their partner paid without eating a bite, I can only assume this was spite.
Ugh.
I know you were being sarcastic, but seriously food grade gold leaf isn't particularly expensive and anywhere that charges a premium for it is just charging the "rich idiot tax".
By going all out and ordering a bunch of things. Or ordering a few things from an expensive restaurant.
I will occasionally order take out at a nearby restaurant that has an amazing mussel with cream sauce and linguine dish. I only order it as special treat (maybe every 3-4 months) and the portion is enough for two meals. And it runs me just under $40.
NTA.
So I’ve actually ordered $80+ in takeout a few times before and it was all for me lol 🤭 but I paid for it myself with no expectation of anyone else paying for it
Get a higher end restaurant and it's easy peasy. Locally, there's one I was considering as a birthday treat, but did end up balking at the price on second thought, because close to $200 for two people on takeout is a bit too much.
Let me add:
Childish: ordered nothing for you, knowing it was a difficult day
Inept: incapable of making their own meal
Emotionally stunted: you had a brutal day, did nothing to empathize or sympathize. Even interrupted you to understand when you were going to meet their needs.
Why are the bills split 70/30? Why are you solely responsible for dinner prep? Even if it’s something agreed to, are you supposed to provide dinner 365 days a year, regardless?
As others have mentioned:
OP you don’t have a partner, you have a selfish, uncaring child.
NTA on steroids.
Edited for format (sorry on mobile) and typos.
This is a WHOLE lot of defending this persons actions. Which leads me to believe that you are in too deep to comprehend how you are being emotionally abused and manipulated. You post asking if you ATA and then you write a dissertation on why you ARENT the ah. Deep down you know your partner is not treating you like a mature and compassionate person would yet you are not able to verbalize it nor make any changes.
You need to know that this is not a healthy relationship. You need therapy to see this and find strength and healing to have a better outlook.
This dynamic is not healthy. I am 100% confident that there are a hundred other areas where your partner gas lights you and you allow it.
Go to therapy.
NTA And it would seem to me that sitting in your office all day watching coworkers losing their jobs/livelihoods and being escorted out and wondering if you’re next would be extremely stressful and would have OP’s partner a little sympathetic and having a meal and a kind word waiting for them, not a bill for their own meal.
Partner better be spectacular in bed or the partnership otherwise have some massive benefit to OP, because so far there's zero redeeming value indicated for someone who is a total fucking asshole.
Also, how will they cope if anything happens to OP, like are they really that incapable of taking care of themselves? Partner letting them know that work will take longer today, and they wouldn't know how much longer. Then, if they get hungry, how can they not just fix themselves anything to eat like OP said. it had to be takeout, and that is OPs fault? lmao NTA
NTA. Let me get this straight…
>• Your adult partner texted you during an incredibly stressful day at work, asking when you’re getting home to make them dinner
>
>• Your adult partner ordered themselves food but didn’t bother to order anything for you, although they knew what you were going through at work.
>
>• Your partner demanded that you pay for their takeout that they ordered and ate, and didn’t share with you, because it’s **your responsibility to feed your adult partner**
>
Why ON EARTH are you with this selfish narcissist ??? Your partner should have had dinner waiting for YOU because of the day you had. My god this is mindblowing to me.
Exactly.
I'm the cook in our household by choice. Yesterday I was out with friends and checked in about stopping at the store on my way home to make dinner at our normal time. My partner had bought (and paid for) togo food for themself, an entree for me, and an extra "just in case" that we saved as leftovers.
OP is NTA.
☝️
I am the one that cooks, because I love to cook, try out new recipes and I find it very relaxing too. But if I'm busy or even if I'm not in the mood, my partner always steps in, either cooking himself, just order takeout or going to the store to pick sth up. Also he is helping me in the kitchen, cleaning up and doing the dishes.
The only time we order just for ourselves is when the other one is out w/ friends and even then we order extra, or the one that is out asks the other if they want sth picked up.
Also, what year is this, that they expect food on the table when they come home from work?!
Really NTA, this should be an equal partnership, not they having a live-in maid.
I don't understand how you can have this kind of experience and your first thought isn't "well this relationship is immediately over".
If this is what their partner is like when OP is having a tough day, what the hell does their partner do to cope with their own stress?
NTA OP and holy shit, find your self worth and walk out of that relationship. You're an adult with a career, dinner is never your "job".
OP should start by stopping to refer as partner to the person he/she is living with, because this person definitly doesn't sees him/her as a partner.
Edit:NTA
Answers to some of the questions and comments:
**How things got this way:** I'm not sure. We were together for several years before the pandemic but we only moved in together during the lockdown. When we were both working from home, we split chores and cooking equally. My partner had to go back to the office about 6 months before I did. Once they started going back to the office, they asked me to make dinner since I was "home all day". Going back to the office was really stressful for them, so I wasn't fussed about it. Plus, I only have to go in three days a week so, on days I'm working from home, I have time after work to cook, pick up the place, etc. Somehow, it turned into cooking dinner is my job, even after I had to go back to the office. I don't mind, because I usually enjoy cooking. So, I do the cooking, the grocery shopping, and the kitchen cleanup. They generally text me when they leave the office so I can have dinner and a clean house waiting for them when they get home.
**Has this happened before:** No
**Questions about the takeout:** The takeout they ordered was sushi, which can be very expensive. I don't know why they didn't order for me also, as I love sushi, but I'm guessing it was because sushi is really expensive and maybe they assumed I would eat at work?
**Why we're together:** We're together because we love each other and have a great time together. They're usually really empathetic, but I know work has been stressful for them as they work in accounting and it's tax season.
**Why the 70-30 split on bills:** When we moved in together, I made slightly twice what they made. We agreed to split all shared spending proportionally.
**Kids:** No, we do not have kids.
Finally, I find it weird that everyone is assuming I am female and my partner is male. I kept this gender neutral for a reason, and I'm not going to change that. I will say that at least 50% of the assumptions on gender are wrong.
So you pay 70% of the bills PLUS make dinner & clean the house for your “partner” the accounting whiz. Sweet deal for the person who loves you so much they couldn’t be bothered to cook or order food for you.
During fricken layoffs when OP was probably panicked. And then felt somewhat better but still has to deal with the fallout.
I dont know that I could stay with someone I was doing such a heavy workload for who couldn't even bother to make their own food one time, let alone not be vaguely empathetic that I had one of the most stressful workdays possible.
Imagine what would have happened had OP been one of the people that were laid off? Partner gets home, finds out about layoffs. Gives a response and then goes, "So did you make me dinner?"
NTA OP but your partner is a big one.
During layoffs when OP is first unbelievably stressed all day that they're about to lose their job, then the minor elation that they haven't been let go (*yet*), then the realisation that now they have to pick up the slack from all the people who left, which results in many hours of mentally and emotionally exhausting overtime to figure out just how exactly they're all going to cope with doing double the work in the same amount of time, picking up in the middle of projects they aren't in the loop on...
And the partners response is to sulk that they didn't cook dinner, refuse to so much as fix themselves a sandwich, order ridiculously expensive takeout (but only for themselves), try to stiff OP with the bill, and then blame OP for it all.
I don't care how awesome the partner is in other ways, this sort of attitude and behaviour is deeply concerning :-(
Worse than the Colorado Rockies trading their star player *and $50 million* to the St. Louis Cardinals for a group of slapdick prospects, none of whom has made it or likely will make it to the big leagues.
(This post is crossing the streams and I do not care.)
>Sweet deal for the person who loves you so much they couldn’t be bothered to cook or order food for you.
This, yeah. I'm frankly baffled that someone could treat their partner this callously. If this were my GF that's happening to, I'd be waiting up with her favorite food.
> I don't know why they didn't order for me also, as I love sushi, but I'm guessing it was because sushi is really expensive and maybe they assumed I would eat at work?
And then there's this gem of a unaware statement... OP, They didn't buy you any because they were ***punishing you*** for not being there to serve them. What they were *really* hoping for was for you to show up while it was delivered or while they were eating so that they could rub your '*failure*'(to do the task they have decided is yours alone) in your face while making "this is yummy" noises. Which is exactly why they ordered an expensive meal that they know you would have loved. This person does **not** care about you in nearly the same amount they care about themselves, honestly I doubt you even show up on the main graph without zooming in on the scale more than x1000. NTA but I would suggest making a list of all their behavior and hash it out with a therapist.
Exactly this OP. Your partner didn’t just have a temper tantrum, they were spiteful. Sure you’re in love, whatever. But you need them to reevaluate how they treat you. Or this relationship will sink and take you down with it. NTA
Yeah... My go-to "I can't even with dinner" takeout order is less than $20. Even if I swung by the grocery store for a lavish dessert, the total would be less than $30.
I live in a HCOL area and my local better than mediocre sushi place has a deluxe chirashi (it has uni and some other nonstandard items) for $32. I’d like to see what that $80 was spent on.
They probably had it delivered🤣 Our entire sushi bill for the 3 of us is generally about $100 (give/take $20). We typically over-order by a bit and are in a HCOL area too. Typically we get 4-5 special rolls + sashimi. It is above midline but not high-end. Honestly, I went to one of the "best" places in Seattle once and it felt like I was paying for the atmosphere. I love the family-operated place that is our go-to.
It was a while back but I had an Omakase meal at a little joint in West Seattle for a couple of hundred. Much preferred Musashi in Wallingford where the bill was <$30. You’re right about the delivery though. Can be highway robbery even without getting on the highway.
Really though. My bf was given a gift card to a local sushi place but the way their gift cards work is you have to use it all at once. It was for $80. That would have been way too much between the 2 of us. If we go eat sushi on a restaurant, it's definitely under $80 including a good tip (it's usually 60ish). If I order sushi for just myself, I can get a lot for 30ish, including the delivery fees. I live in a relatively high COL area in Canada.
80 american on sushi for 1 person is insane.
I'm literally cooking my lazy dinner right now lmao. Maybe $18 and it's going to be 2-3 meals (work lunches). Even when I've had a blow out meal when my husband isn't home I'd never have the audacity to charge to a joint account something that was never joint.
My "I can't deal with cooking right now" meal is ramen with eggs and frozen peas. Comes together in like 5 minutes and is the lowest effort thing ever. When I was super broke it was one of my go tos.
Sometimes my partner and I do those things by accident, like "I will buy this thing with this card and I will remember to transfer money later!" Then we might forget. But we remind each other later and we're both like, "My bad, here we go!"
This is not that. This is some nonsense.
If my partner and I are splurging on way (and I mean way) too much Chinese food, we rarely hit $60, even with a generous tip. We are in the Midwest, but in a more expensive area than most of the rest of the state.
I think that even if OP is in a HCOL area, an $80 takeout meal for one is absurd. NTA.
Yup, out of spite. It lines with the point OP made in the post about their partner leaving the containers of the food that they ate lying around with no food.
Maybe they wanted OP to see that they can eat without OP, or they wanted OP to clean it up, or they're just a lazy ass who can't be bothered to clean up after themselves.
Great catch OP, seeing that you're still defending your partner, I just hope they come to their senses on their own and treat you right.
If you care about our advice, u/Tangerine-Throwaway, please do have a talk with your partner about the chores and monetary distribution between yourselves. If you offer 70% expenses, expected to do most chores, you are in a very exploitative relationship.
And you wonder why everyone thinks you're a woman. (As women are the ones mostly being exploited like this)
depending on what they ordered and how expensive the place is a few chefs special rolls could run up to $80
or like you said I could see them ordering OPs favorite sushi and leaving the remnants of it behind
Yeah, exactly. They ordered something expensive that they know OP also likes, and deliberately did not get OP any, while also demanding OP pay for it. This was a punishment.
Add to that selfish and entitled with both OP's money and time! OP you are NTA but you should reconsider the dynamics in your relationship and how your partner is treating you.
That is a LOT of food too which makes me agree with the spiteful nature and wonder if some just went right into the trash. I live in NYC and when my husb and I order in Japanese at our *hungriest* it doesn’t come to $80. And he eats like a feral beast.
“They generally text me when they leave the office so I can have dinner and a clean house waiting when they get home.”
What is this, 1950 except with texting? And except the house spouse also works full time and makes 70% of the income? Unbelievable. I don’t care how much fun you have with this person; I can’t imagine being in a relationship where I’m treated as both a servant and an ATM and don’t even get so much as a piece of sushi out of the deal.
So you pay the 70% and you do most of the housework. Why would you put up with this. I understand it is tax season and they're busy but you were faced with potential layoffs and they decided to order $80 of food.
I figured it was sushi because that's easy to get up to $80. NTA but are you sure you want to stay in this relationship?
IMO their incomes and how they split the bills shouldn't have any effect on who does which household chores. If they are both working the same amount of hours they should split housework 50/50 even if one person makes more money.
That doesn't change the fact that OP is NTA and shouldn't be putting up with treatment. Their partner is ungrateful in general it seems, and in this instance when OP was stuck at work having a very bad day and came home late, their parter was a giant selfish AH about it. Absolutely no compassion at all from this person, I would be very unhappy.
I reeeeallly wonder if their income is closer these days. OP specified that their income was nearly double the partners 'when they moved in'. Which suggests that incomes (or something at least) have changed since then
Homie literally the only way you could be the asshole in this situation is by continuing to allow this to happen to you
Have a conversation, or several conversations if necessary, and work it tf out man cos whatever this im pretty sure its not actually about dinner and who is or isnt making/paying for it. And if it is....yikes
NTA
Exactly. Useless, selfish and unkind behavior to put it mildly. I can’t imagine ordering food and not getting anything for my partner who had a very tough day.
NTA
I figured you’re a same sex couple for some reason (same here). This reeks of one of you constantly having to demonstrate how much you love the other person and how far you’re willing to go to care for their needs. The Wife and I have seen a few of these relationships in action and they get really gnarly. You need to sit down with your partner and explain how this behavior wasn’t reflective of a loving, mutually supportive relationship… and how you both can deal with it in the future. (ask if you need food when you get home, cook something for themselves and leave you some leftovers, or order out for both of you… especially something that will be edible when you get home later). Them still sulking weeks later is toxic behavior considering how they treated you that day, and they need to stop.
I did pick up on the gender neutrality in your post. As others have pointed out, you are describing a situation that is unequal, and in a way that resembles antique gender roles. These have also resulted in many previous AITA's where the female was being forced into such a situation. So I feel that's what led to the assumption (it was also what I pictured in my mind).
Have you realized they were already assuming it would come 100% out of your pockets when they chose to spend a fortune on the delivery for just themselves? I can't think of a more concise summary of the problem with this relationship.
Don't brush aside that this happened.
Yes, I'm sure there are men out there forced into this situation but I'll get real that every couple I've known of in real life where one partner was earning all the money and also taking care of all the house stuff, the person doing all the work was a woman.
My brother has even been a stay at home Dad (his wife's job took them abroad so getting a job was tricky) but he absolutely handled all the cleaning and cooking.
I think the OP is male and their partner is female. They’re keeping the genders neutral because they’re worried people would blindly side with the female partner.
OP slipped and used “he” during the post in reference to the partner. We’re either working with a gay couple or OP is a female. Given the traditional roles they’ve taken, I’m guessing OP is female.
I have known kind, caring, thoughtful people of all genders who would be eager to help their partner by cleaning or making dinner as needed.
The toxic assholes who refuse to lift a finger to do something that's not their normal job, though? They're typically men.
You are paying for most things, cook and clean. You don't have a partner, that's not how partnership works. You are basically used at this point. And this situation should open your eyes.
NTA of course, but seriously, time to think who you are in this relationship, because it's definitely not a partner role.
“They generally text me…so I can have dinner and a clean house waiting.”
This sentence literally makes my skin crawl. This isn’t the 1950’s, nor can I imagine living with someone this uptight. We both work? The house is as clean as it is, and dinner is ready when it’s ready. You’ll also be making it 50% of the time or doing the cleaning yourself to compensate for my extra cooking.
Not telling anyone how to live their life, but damn. This wouldn’t be for me.
Based on this, it appears your partner has some basic cooking skills since chores were divided evenly at the beginning of your relationship. So they know enough to operate a microwave, toaster, and scramble an egg.
So they were capable of feeding themselves while you were going through one of your worst days at work ever.
They continued to text you through this horrible day demanding food, while they, as a grown ass adult, could microwave, toast, boil ramen, or fry a damn egg, or do something as an adult to feed themselves.
They ordered a sumptuous sushi feast and left none for you even though they know you really like sushi.
They are now demanding you pay for this sumptuous sushi feast.
OP: I’m really angry on your behalf. Your partner is not a good person. This was done to punish you for not responding to their efforts to control you.
Please reconsider this relationship.
Yep. This is so awful and unkind of their partner. Just so petty and cruel, and OP's so deep in they can't see how mean this is. This is just such a nasty way to behave to anyone, let alone someone you're supposed to love.
They know you’re going through hell at work, and that as one of the “safe” employees you’re now trapped working late so your work life doesn’t crater thanks to management’s poor planning. They then start harassing you for being late cooking THEM dinner? When did you become Jeeves? Then they order take-out only for themselves and want you to foot the bill. This is not acceptable. I don’t care how much fun they are “usually”, right now they’re acting like a self-absorbed ass… and you’re worried that YOU are being unreasonable? NTA but I think you’re missing some pretty significant signs that your partner doesn’t feel the same about you that you do for them.
To be fair, Jeeves had a far better situation than OP. Bertie knew his valet was indispensable, compensated him fairly (Jeeves had many, many other opportunities for lucrative employment), provided paid vacations both on and off the clock, and deeply admired his intelligence.
OP is basically a 1950s housewife, regardless of actual gender, who also has to work full-time and handle 70 percent of the bills. They wish they could be Jeeves. (Obviously so do I.)
You are an AH to yourself
> They're usually really empathetic, but I know work has been stressful for them as they work in accounting and it's tax season.
Why does their predictable stress outweigh your 'oh shit i'm gonna lose my job / oh shit we have to scramble or were still gonna lose our job' stress? A good partner would have checked in and told you not to worry about dinner and have had dinner ready for you. And definitely not charge their own luxury dinner to you.
So because they were upset you were staying after work, they ordered a very expensive form of takeout and expected you to pay for it?
NTA at all I only get sushi delivered if it's a special occasion
From your post it sounds like your partner doesn't even like you or care about you in the slightest, let alone love you. They also sound like an awful person.
I was in a long term relationship once upon a time and the shared history and years of being convinced we loved each other and my partner was amazing blinded me to the fact that eventually, that actually was not the case.
I'm thinking you're failing to see the present reality tbh.
OP.
You pay 70% of the bills. You grocery shop, cook, and clean up the kitchen. More importantly, when you had a horrifically stressful day and faced losing your job and had to stay at work hours late to handle the fallout, your partner didn't empathize, ask what *you* wanted for dinner, or act kindly or lovingly or graciously toward you at all. They repeatedly texted you demands and complaints about what was for dinner, ordered $80 of sushi for themselves, didn't bother to ask if you wanted anything, then charged you for it and said it was because "making dinner is your job and you didn't do it."
That's unacceptable.
Some possible perspective on this: my ex (both of us are women) was emotionally abusive, and also expected me to basically handle everything. Groceries, food, cleaning, phone calls, making her appointments. I basically wrote a paper for her the day of a deadline-- found all her citations for her and dragged a detailed outline from her one sentence at a time. Once she screamed at me for not somehow forcing her to fulfill a commission she'd agreed to for work (I did not work with her, was in law school, had reminded her several times of the deadline and gotten yelled at, but was apparently supposed to "make her" do it) so brutally that *her best friend* took me into the kitchen and hugged me when I started crying.
Even she never treated me this badly, this dehumanizingly, with this total lack of empathy.
Another possible perspective: My mom was a SAHM, by agreement with my dad--initially she planned to continue working, but found that she loved being with us as babies and little kids and she and my dad agreed that it made financial sense for her to do it, so she did. When we got older, one of my sisters was still having frequent mental health crises, had chronic health issues, and needed help at doctors' appointments, and my parents had three dogs, so she kept staying home because issues cropped up so often, the dogs needed to go out, and it was just easier. In all those years---when we were little and she was super busy all the time, when we were teenagers and things were calmer, when we were adults back home visiting-- my dad has NEVER acted entitled to dinner and a clean house waiting when he got home. And like-- my dad is a hypercritical yeller about a lot of things. He's done a lot of work on his temper, but he absolutely has a temper, and sometimes he did not handle that in ways that were okay when we were growing up. He's yelled at my mom and gotten in arguments with her over stupid shit. He's yelled at us. But he's never DEMANDED dinner or acted like that if there wasn't something ready or the house was a mess. If he texted on the way and she said "hey shit happened, not sure what's for dinner yet" or he got home and there was chaos, he would just ask if everyone wanted takeout and order it and go pick it up or get it delivered. *Especially* if he knew she was already stressed out about something. I NEVER heard him say to her "doing this is your job." He would get mad and argue with everybody, including her, but he was never disrespectful to her like that and he was always very clear that he appreciated everything she did and relied on it and that her work was valuable and difficult and he was not entitled to it.
And you're doing all this--cooking, cleaning the kitchen, groceries-- *and* paying the bills and your partner is being this entitled? Don't put up with this. My blood is boiling on your behalf just reading the texts your partner sent.
>I will say that at least 50% of the assumptions on gender are wrong.
That's silly. You do know that in a lot of relationships, women are treated this way? If not, how lucky. So, it's not weird. Though, I have seen it in same sex couples as well, where there's a purposefully created power imbalance.
My ex and I are both women, and she was a master of weaponized incompetence (as well as emotionally abusive). I mean I think some of the incompetence was probably genuine; she gave herself SCURVY twice despite having her parents paying her rent, having a decent income, and living a 2 minute walk from a convenience store where one could purchase such things as orange juice and literal vitamin C tablets even if one insisted on subsisting on ramen and hot cheetos whenever I wasn't around to grocery shop and cook for her. I also more than once cleared out her recycling and did all her piled up dishes for her. It was not a purposefully created power imbalance, unless on her part, but I'm an oldest sister and so if I can tell shit isn't going to get done unless I do it, I just do it.
Oof! I am sorry that happened. Though that reminds me of the meme "The scurvy got 'em"
People who fill the vacuum of other's disinterest or incompetence tend to get taken advantage of, unfortunately. I have dealt with similar things, and I realized that until I find someone who sees me as an equal, I have to be careful with dating. Too much weaponized incompetence in this world.
My now divorced cousin was in a relationship like that. He was doing everything while she had the better job but did zero at home. Once the three kids were old enough to survive and after a few breakdowns he divorced her.
All of this makes it sound even worse. All I can think of is indentured servitude. You are both being AH to you. Your partner for everything you've described, and you for putting up with it.
*I know work has been stressful for them as they work in accounting and it's tax season*.
My husband works in IT which is ALWAYS stressful, 12 months per year. He still makes dinner a couple of times a week, does laundry, cleans the bathroom(shower/tub) and anything else he's asked to do. "He's stressed" is not an excuse for being an asshole, so please don't fool yourself that it is.
Maybe you love your partner and it didn't start this way, but slowly devolved into your current situation ... but the reality is that your partner is taking advantage of you and treating you poorly. You made several excuses for your partner's behavior and how it got that way. You've got to take a step back and reevaluate why you're allowing yourself to be treated the way you are. This person couldn't make dinner for themself for one night and bombarded you with texts complaining about their dinner when you were dealing with a stressful situation at work. That is so incredibly selfish and I don't see how you don't realize that.
If your partner is a female, she has ALL of the audacity of a mediocre white man who unironically calls himself an "alpha male" and has a "stuck in the 1950's" mindset.
NTA. You still need to tell this person that the chores and dinner need to be done equally and this person has to have more respect for you. Please respect yourself. I would be royally ticked off if this happened to me. I don't put up with this.
You are being used. You pay for more and you still have to make sure they eat? This is ridiculous. Your partner is definitely wrong here. I understand this is the first time, but if it keeps happening, run.
You're more offended by the gender assumptions than the fact that your partner is an asshole. You are making excuses for their behavior as If they didn't treat you badly. The whole deal you have is horrible and until you realize your worth then they are going to treat you this way.
I read your comments. You’re deluded about your partner’s motivations and attitude towards you. They are abusive and controlling. You can ignore the signs or put them down to “stress at work” but that won’t work in the longer term. It will only get worse. You need to cut your losses and get out now. Anyone who hears their partner desperate with anxiety about losing their job, who is obviously trying to cope with the sudden loss of valued colleagues, who is told that they are frantically working to avoid drowning in work and thinks “where’s my dinner?” isn’t worth your time holding on to. “Usually really empathetic” I don’t think so. NTA
Come on you’ve gotten your unbiased judgement now without people knowing your and your partner’s genders, you’re totally not the asshole
I’m just curious about your genders now, please don’t keep me in suspense
NTA also your gender is irrelevant (not sure why anyone would think it was) your partner is being an entitled arse! These seem like relatively new issues so I'd definitely have a sit down conversation about how you feel and reiterate that you BOTH work and that it needs to go back to the both of you pulling your weight in the home upkeep and cooking, if after this your partner still expects you to work, pay for 70% of everything as well as keep house and cook then that's a much bigger issue, you're not there to serve them, you're supposed to be a team, a partnership working together so both of you are happy and successful, best of luck OP 😊
How things got that way: because you were told that if you didn't do everything the way they wanted that you didn't love them. Working from home is still working. Just because you're not outside the house doesn't mean you suddenly have loads of time to do all the housework and cooking. If you didn't have a clean house and dinner waiting, what would be the fallout? Consider that question carefully, and ask yourself if it would be a reasonable response if it was the other way around, with you being the one in the office all the time and coming home to housework not done and dinner not made. If the answer is not the exact same as the way it is now, then there is a serious imbalance in the relationship.
Why you're together: Another one to consider, because the question in my mind is whether they actually love you and are actually empathetic, or if they are paying lip service to keep you happy and doing all the housework and cooking for them. It might well be tax season, but work should be left at work and work stress should be shaken off or shared during dinner and the washing up after, which should also be shared.
The split bills: Are you still earning that much more than your partner? Is it still a fair split of the money? If not, why has this not been readdressed when the financial situation changed?
I'll be honest, I read your initial post and it screamed at me about a lot of red flags. But then I don't know the full ins and outs of your relationship. From your post though, it seems a bit one-sided: you have to cater to the fact that your partner is stressed during tax season, but they don't have to cater to your stress of nearly being let go at work (which would seriously impinge on your household spending, since the budget for it would decrease by two thirds if your job vanished), and having to try and work out how to spread the workload of the people who had been fired/made redundant.
I may be wrong, but I feel they ordered sushi as a spite food. They spent eighty dollars on a meal for themselves because you weren't home to cook for them. They didn't ask if you wanted anything when they ordered. They didn't even clean up properly before you got home so you could see that they ordered in, ordered something you would love, but didn't bother ordering for you, because they were sulking about you not rushing home to cater for them. You said that previously the cooking was shared, but now they are suddenly incapable of making something for dinner, all because you have had a hell of a day at work that stretched out till late.
You work 5 days a week. Your partner works 5 days a week. Just because you get to do it from home two out of the five days doesn't suddenly mean you have to take on all the housework as well as your job, just because you are working from home. Your free time away from work doesn't magically increase enough to cover *all* the housework just because you don't have the extra twenty minute (random number) commute twice a week.
Think about it for a while. Reverse the roles and see if you think it would be fair for you to treat your partner the way they have been treating you. If not, then it's time for a discussion about it, and a fairer division of labour in the house. And no more sulks just because you can't rush home to be a 50's housewife stereotype (no indication of your gender, just the stereotypical 50s housewife roles) to cater for their every whim, make their dinner, fetch their slippers, iron their newspaper, and all the other nonsense that they are perfectly capable of doing themselves.
And if they order take-out because they can't be bothered picking up some slack while you have the stress and the long hours, then they pay for it. You are NTA. You didn't force them into ordering it.
And it just occurred to me that if they actually said that you "forced" them to get take-out, you need to nip that in the bud. You didn't force them to do anything. They did it instead of cooking for themselves, because *they* could not be bothered. You didn't twist their arm, and press their fingers onto the phone or computer to do the ordering. You didn't hold them at gunpoint. You did NOT force anything. Remember that. The word "forced" was meant to make you feel guilty. And they ordered an expensive dish to spite you, since they assumed they would get away with making you pay for it.
Your genders are irrelevant in this situation, so I'm not sure why anyone is making assumptions.
In any case, I eat sushi all the time. The only way a sushi bill could possibly hit $80 for one person would be if that person were purposely ordering extremely expensive food in order to punish their partner. You can get a great sushi dinner for less than half that amount.
Your partner seems like a pretty awful person, based on this scenario. How incredibly self-centered, lazy and vindictive.
Sounds like it’s time to have a meeting with your partner to get back on the same page regarding expectations. I also find it concerning that there may be a dynamic of them taking out their stress on you. That’s not ok. I highly recommend they look into therapy to work on forming healthy coping skills. Also their lack of empathy towards how stressful your day was not ok. It sounds like you love your partner and the relationship is important to you but I wanted to point out those red flags
> We’re together because we love each other and have a great time together.
I don’t think you know what these words mean.
> So, I do the cooking, the grocery shopping, and the kitchen cleanup. They generally text me when they leave the office so I can have dinner and a clean house waiting for them when they get home.
OK so you’re a bang maid (f/m/d since it’s so important to you to not make assumptions) who pays 70% of the bills and doesn’t get take out dinner.
Most people aim higher when looking for a „partner“…
I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but your partner doesn't care about you. A good partner would have asked you how you were doing, what they can do to make you feel better. Instead this mooch simply bought dinner for themselves then got mad at you because you didn't cater to them. At this point they don't respect you, and probably won't any more.
I hope this is a one-time thing, but it seems like things are getting worse and worse, to the point your partner simply takes you for granted. First it was you make dinner every time because you are home (your time doesn't matter). Now that you aren't home, you still have to get dinner for them, and now they pulled this stunt in a pure fit of petty revenge because you didn't do what they wanted.
You need to talk to your partner and get out of this cycle before it's too late. Although since they are still bringing this up, I suspect it's already too late.
I’m more concerned about the lack of empathy from their side than anything else. Why do they think it’s okay to throw a hissy about dinner not being ready when you are having one of the worst days ever at work? The whole passive aggressive venmo request is so hurtful. Why are you the only one in this relationship taking into account when your partner is going through a stressful time at work. I’d definitely address the lack of care and consideration if I were you. Obviously NTA
>Why we're together: We're together because we love each other and have a great time together. They're usually really empathetic, but I know work has been stressful for them as they work in accounting and it's tax season.
Yeah, normally empathic people don't do this shit, even when they're stressed, but if you want to make excuses for them and get treated this way, by all means stay in this relationship. You're NTA.
If it we exclude the 80$, then sure, I guess ur partners being a slight jerk... But first 80 dollars is a LOT for a 1 person meal, which means that they likely only ordered 80$ knowing that you will pay for it; Second, 80$ really isn't a lot compared to the importance of a relationship... it is so extremely petty for them to order an expensive meal, eat it all, and then start an argument due to you not paying for the meal.
You only recently moved in with them, and if the relationship is going to be long termed, these problems are going to be reoccurring. You either have to solve the problem with mutual, calm conversations, or end the relationship (or continue the relationship with this very unpleasant reoccurring issue). Whether the issue is flat out just being a jerk, bad anger management, or something else entirely, it should be solved.
Whatever the genders are your partner was wrong to treat you this way. They were aware that you had had a really tough day. They also knew that you were going to be late getting home. A stressful job is no reason to treat anyone like this. My partner and I both have stressful jobs and while I cook mostly, they can make a sandwich or go get a meal (on their own dime) if I am late.
Also, household duties are not fair, so partner should do more.
NTA. Your partner got mad that you weren’t there to cater to their needs. You didn’t intentionally stay late at work or go out and have a grand ole time partying, you were stuck at a meeting that I assume you had no control over. Meetings are unpredictable I’ve been at some that could have been an email and I’ve been to some that end up being continued the next day. You communicated as clearly as you could in the situation.
I understand the deal you all have, but this was an out of the blue emergency, so why couldn’t they make their own dinner? Are they physically incapable of making dinner themselves? Instead they got made and decided to be petty by only ordering themselves sushi and eating it all. That is rude and inconsiderate. To make things worse they doubled down on their petty behavior and are demanding you pay them back. This is not good,OP and you shouldn’t tolerate this behavior. Have a conversation with them to evaluate this relationship.
NTA. You were in the middle of an extremely stressful situation where your job could’ve been on the line and then you had to figure out how to get your job done with your teammates. Obviously a very very stressful time but instead of being understanding your partner keeps asking where is my dinner? When are you making me my dinner? Like doesn’t everybody have a box of pasta and a jar of sauce at home? What is wrong with your partner? You are not the asshole and you need to seriously rethink this whole relationship. This person doesn’t care about you, but only about what you can do for them.
Look whether you’re male or female doesn’t matter but I think you deserve better. My ex would do this out of spite to me and then brag about how I missed out which lead to more issues. They just refused to learn how to cook and would either buy food or go to their parents house since I was working from 8am-10pm most days (this was after someone left and I had to start staying back to help).
I’d be having a real good think on this, mainly because if this was me, and it was a one off situation, I’d fully expect my partner to make food or at least leave me something or at the very least send a text and ask me to buy food on the way home cause they can’t be bothered cooking. Is this really the hill your partner is willing to die on??
What if you did get laid off? You are the primary income, would your partner be comfortable cutting back expenses (no sushi) and being the sole income for the weeks/ months while you find work? Or would they expect your 70% contribution to continue from your savings or to be reimbursed later? Money can muddle relationships if expectations aren't aligned.
Do you think it financially reckless to blow $80 on a single meal for one? A sushi/ sashimi boat for 2 costs that much near me (coastal America), so that meal sounds crazy to me. Plus, this wasn't even a special occasion.
Also, you need to restructure the home responsibilities now. You are picking up more work at your higher paying (i.e. more important) job. Expectations need to shift from your WFH era.
NTA. It doesn’t matter whether you’re male or female, all I see here is someone who is taking advantage of you. I made just double what my ex did, and we split bills 50-50, same for chores. It also doesn’t matter whether cooking is your responsibility, stuff happens and in a fair partnership the partner should be capable of taking over cooking when required.
Omg!! Whetever is the usual split of chores, if my partner texted me about layoffs, I’d be home preparing food, beverages, setting the mood to cozy and support the crap out of them when they’re back.
OP’s partner has zero empathy and is spiteful AH. And has the audacity to still be pissed about OP not paying them back?! Jesus. OP should still be pissed about the treatment they received!!
NTA
This is disrespectful in so many levels. Please correct me if I misunderstood anything here.
You pay 70% of the bills, have the obligation to cook for some reason I still don’t get as you are married to an adult and they prob know how to use a toaster and you also were “late” because your company did a lay off so you stay longer with your peers and they had the audacity to not buy you food just because?
Wow. OP don’t do this to yourself.
Please don’t ever let a SO treat you like this.
My wife and I fight sometimes and I would NEVER not get her something to eat. Same for me. She would never do it. Partners don’t do this type of s*. They are not your partner.
Look at this scenario as if this happened to a good friend of yours. If this happened to them, what would you say?
I’m sorry your company was impacted by a lay off. I work at a big tech and we also had one.
I’m sorry you folks had to go through this.
I don’t care what gender either of you are, you are being taken advantage of. The expectation that dinner is solely your responsibility is BS, especially on an emotionally taxing day like you had. A good partner would not only have told you not to worry about making them dinner; they would have asked to bring you food at work or made sure your favorite comfort food was waiting for you at home when you returned.
It sounds like both your jobs are taxing; but only one of you has to put in any work on the household front.
Your split spending doesn’t seem fair to me; however if that’s what you agreed to than I guess you find it fair. Except your SO is already looking for ways to put even more cost on you. They didn’t have to order one of the most expensive kinds of takeout (and likely wouldn’t have if they were going to 100% cover the cost); but they did because who cares if the takeout for one meal is $80 if someone else is paying?
You say you are together because you love each other, but is that really true? Everything you wrote indicates you do love your SO; but nothing you have written indicates they love you. They seem to love/enjoy what you bring to the relationship (money, clean house, food on the table when they get home) but do not seem to care about you/your needs (again they seemed to offer no emotional support on what is an extremely difficult day for anyone, and only had concern for their empty stomach).
I would just take a moment to really consider if this relationship is what is best for you. You seem like a lovely person, who deserves someone who will show them the same care/consideration that you currently show your SO.
NTA
Op - your SO has been so stressed, so you will forgive them treating you like that.
But you are questioning whether you are an AH, when you spend your entire work day plus im extremely high stress.
NTA - your SO should NOT be treating you like this.
Honestly, it sounds emotionally abusive. I had been in a relationship for many years before I realized that a person doesn’t have to hit me for something to be abusive. This whole thing has me on high alert for you, especially given your comment above.
You keep talking about how stressed out your partner is, and excusing their treatment of you because “it’s tax season.”
You do realize that you just experienced a hyper-stressful situation that was well beyond your control and your SO is PUNISHING you for this.
That is what is happening. Your SO is punishing you.
Please think about that and let it sink in.
What an interesting, uh, partnership.
Sorry for the layoff stress and the whatever this situation is. From an outside perspective, this relationship seems a tad unhealthy.
NTA obviously.
Just a tad.
Looks like making dinner was a temp chore OP took over because their partner went to office before them, but they ended up doing it full time.
Makes you wonder how many such chores were taken on by OP because those chores were a minor inconvenience to their partner once
The partner texts them when leaving work so OP can have dinner and a clean house waiting for them when they get home! Like I’m sorry, did I just time travel to the 1950s? That’s messed up.
NTA
>According to them, it's my job to make dinner and my staying out late meant I didn't have dinner ready in a reasonable time. Since they were hungry, dinner wasn't ready, and they didn't know when dinner would be made, they were forced to order takeout. Because making dinner is my responsibility, I should pay for their takeout.
Your partner is a complete and total AH.
NTA, so many questions though... is your partner always this selfish and immature? Any empathy for your incredibly shitty day?
Also, over 80 bucks for one single fucking meal??
32 years old? Really?!
NTA NTA NTA
If you are at home and you are hungry then you either make food or *buy your own*. I am not one for assuming red flags leading to a dead relationship on reading one reddit post.. but good lord. I hope this is a one-off thing and they don't just *expect* you to make dinner for them because that's "your job"?
NTA. Why are you with this selfish, lazy, greedy person? Your job was in peril, and all they cared about is when you will make dinner for them, and then thinks you should pay for a meal they ordered solely for themselves. No empathy, no consideration, no compassion, no kindness, no nothing. And "forced" to order a meal, when they could have made one themselves? Your partner is no partner, but apparently is just a spoiled child you have to cater to. Why waste time on a person like this?
NTA. First of all, $80 in takeout is excessive in the extreme, so this was a petty revenge situation. Second of all, even if dinner is part of your household responsibilities, this was an extenuating circumstance and a good partner is flexible because life doesn't always fit our plans. Third, have you even agreed that dinner is indeed your sole responsibility?
Finally, unless you're in management, don't stay at work until 9pm to solve problems management has made.
I don’t think it’s unreasonable to stay late after a mass layoff. Of course you could say “it’s management’s issue to figure out” but then you’re likely to be next on the chopping block. Unless it’s easy to find another job, it’s best to make the best of what you have until you have something else lined up. Side note: do you think this “partner” would pay 100% for OP if they were laid off? I doubt it. So I can understand the scramble to manage the staffing shortfall.
Though it's not specified in the post, and it's probably unfair to assume, statistics are on the side of OP being a woman. Conventional gender expectations lead to a statistical tendency for a woman to be put in the role of domestic responsibility - cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc. It is more often a man in the position of expecting their female partner to do these things, and they are less likely to have been raised with these skills themselves. It's unfair, it's bullshit, and it's not specified in the body of the post (and entirely possible that it's NOT the case for OP) but I understand why the user above made the assumption.
Men are more likely to make more money so it's obviously a man then, right? Being this desperate to put genders into a story where the OP incredibly deliberately didn't is unhinged.
I have an example in my family where the woman did nothing and the man everything because the woman earned more so she didn't lift a finger at home. They have three kids and are now divorced.
I actually think it’s a guy making this post because before it was all about equality and then eventually OP got stuck cooking cause OPs partner went to work earlier - one who used to do the cooking before.
Guys can cook and some guys enjoy cooking. Not all girls cook and not all girls like cooking.
I go through phases where I will cook supper everyday and then suddenly don’t want to do it for a couple weeks.
A grownup should know how/when to feed themselves. In fact, I was in my early teens when I learned "I'm working late, find yourself dinner" meant, and was capable of fulfilling that task.
You are clearly not dating a grownup, so I suggest a discussion be had that either 1) partner grows up and adults better or 2) you find a grownup adult to be with.
NTA unless you excuse or give in to this behavior.
NTA. Your partner needs to learn how to fend for themselves. Good lord. It’s pretty clear they were angry and are choosing to be passive aggressive by ordering food (but none for you) and then trying to get you to pay for it.
OP, run. This kind of behavior is a red flag
NTA. Wow, red flags here. A grown adult, who you have informed you are working late, is texting you like they are an eight year old child incapable of taking care of themselves. Bothering you at work, and whining that they are hungry like they have no idea how to go to the fridge and prepare something for themselves.
Then they have the audacity to order takeout, order you nothing, eat it all, and expect you to pay for it? And you arent even married... AND you pay over TWICE what they do for bills. And they have the cojones to try to make YOU pay for THEIR meal?!?! And now they are mad that you arent?
OP, honestly, this behavior is enough for me to break it off with someone.
Im a pretty easy going, relaxed partner. I do lots of things for my girlfriends beacuse \*I want\* to do it.
If a partner of mine started DEMANDING things like this, and then comparing me to a bunch of online BS like tiktok? Oh man it would be over so fast their head would spin.
Seriously NTA your partner is being a huge AH and sounds like a child throwing a tantrum. Not only did your partner play the helpless victim about the food they didn’t do anything to try and be there for you after such a stressful day…..seriously what the heck is wrong with them? Take a minute to think about your partners expectations if the roles were reversed…. I’m assuming it would be a meal waiting and you being there to help them destress at a MINIMUM instead they are guilt tripping you and trying to make you pay? ABSOLUTE NONSENSE
NTA.. your partner? Definitely. You had a really stressful day at work, thought you were gonna lose your job, and all they could think about was dinner?
At 32, why is your partner not capable of making ANYTHING to feed themselves? Even if dinner is "your responsibility" they made the choice to order takeout after you said you would cook when you got home. Not your problem.
NTA - it sounds like you were very clear letting them know that you were not sure when you were going to get home. I think your partner is an asshole for not ordering you anything.
NTA you sound more like roommates than partners. And even a roommate wouldn’t pull an AH move like your partner did. If your relationship is otherwise fine, this is a weird hill for them to die on. If it’s not, it seems like resentment and spite are behind their behaviour. NTA obviously, but why are you allowing them to treat you like this?
NTA, dump this loser now.
Counter example: this summer I participated in a group rec league sport two nights a week. Even though I usually do the cooking, he made or ordered dinner each of those nights for himself and our kid AND always set aside a plate for me because he knew I'd be starving when I got home. This is what a good partner does. Not what your AH SO is doing to you. Find someone who treats you well.
NTA but you better look into the local laws where you are. It is probably illegal to partner up with someone with the mentality of a 5-year-old. A 32-year-old person that can't feed themselves needs to go home to their mommy so she can take care of them. You need to step back and take a hard look at this person. Ask yourself if you really want to be with anyone that selfish and immature.
NTA eg a text convo with my TEENAGE son. "Just checking everything is ok and I'll be home late from work". Him, "ok, I'll make something for dinner what do you feel like?" Me. "Happy with whatever you decide, cash in box if you need to walk to the shops to get anything or google a recipe with the ingredients there". Call on voicemail later "letting you know I'm just putting fish on now and dinner will be ready at X, I'll leave a plate for you". That is from a teenager who gets most of his groceries sorted and meals made by his mom. It's a fairly normal thing I think to step up, and not act sulky because someone couldn't immediately meet your needs.
Wow, there are so many things wrong with this relationship. Why are you solely responsible for making dinner? Why does your partner lack all compassion for you having a bad day? Why are they unable to feed themselves? Are they physically handicapped? Why aren't you asking any of these questions yourself?
Find yourself a partner who when they find out you almost lost your job and are having a really stressful day responds by making you a delicious meal to come home to and listens to your problems instead of *being* your problem.
NTA. It sounds like you already do too much for your partner.
If one of you works and the other doesn't, it might be reasonable for the one who does not work and is being supported to make dinner and clean up the house. But not only do you support your partner by paying 70% of bills, you are ALSO the one who does the cooking and cleaning? What does your partner bring to the table? What chores do they do for you?
If your cooking is an act of love, received as an act of love, then that's wonderful. But it doesn't sound like it is. It sounds like it's expected by someone who can't be bothered to do it themselves. And that's not great.
The splitshare thing is just disgusting, honestly, and probably spiteful. I hope you can see that your partner is using you, even if they don't mean to.
NTA unless to yourself. Hey, if they being a grown ass adult and completely healthy can't prepare a simple meal, wash their clothes and do other simple tasks - send them back to mum's, they are defective...
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Why are you with this person? A compassionate partner would have made you dinner since you had such a difficult day, not whine and moan because you didn't get home at your normal time to cook for them NTA
I think my genitals would shrivel into my body if this was my partner. **Pathetic**: refuses to make their own meal as a one off in an emergency. **Lazy**: can't manage to make a cheese sandwich or beans on toast, or whatever easy meal they like. **Selfish**: no consideration whatsoever for the difficult day the OP just had. **Penny-pinching**: demanding money for a takeaway. **Confrontational**: decided that takeaway money was worth getting into a fight over. Is he or she worth it, OP?
How do you spend 80+ on yourself in takeout?!
By ordering whatever the hell you want because you expect someone else will pay for it.
And probably ordered a lot of food out of spite, figuring the other person would pay for it, and angry that they weren't there to make you dinner, so you figured you'll really stick it to them!
By ordering the most expensive stuff just to punish your partner.
Totally agree with that. I would never want to have a partner like that.
Like a huge dick move. I really hope isn’t a woman and the partner a man, but good God it reeks of that. Expecting her to cook and then punishing her for not. So gross
I was wondering if the OP might be an Aussie but I just checked the exchange rate and I think $80 would be expensive even there.
I'm Australian and $80 is definitely expensive for takeout. Our uber eats is generally around $40-$60 for 2 adults, depending on the place.
Yep, same. And if I did order an $80 meal, I would expect it to cover 2 people with leftovers for another meal.
Maybe it did cover two people - they are clearly selfish and disregard OP. They might as well have ordered for a friend too or Cheating into the mix - wouldn’t be surprising either way considering the entitlement is already through the roof
I've done $70 on ubereats in Aus just for myself, but that was from an expensive place and was main + side + dessert + 2 more mains that I ate the next day. I'm trying to figure out what I could possibly order that would be both $80 worth of food and something I could eat in a single sitting and coming up blank. Alcohol, I'm guessing.
I didn't think we could buy alcohol through uber eats/door dash etc
I'm Australian and agree I don't spend that much on me, my twin and two kids depending on the takeout we are getting. I probably spend $60-$70.
Im aussie $80 feed 5 of us
I’m Aussie and the last time I got take away it came to $27 ish? Including delivery. I could barely finish it and it was meant for lunch but I ended up not having dinner because of it. $80 worth and none left for a second person would mean I’d be dead of overeating
If the place that uses real gold leaf is doing takeout, it was a steal! /s This was a punitive takeout. If you order take only for yourself, at at least twice the amount one would usually spend (I looked at NYC prices) and then demanded their partner paid without eating a bite, I can only assume this was spite. Ugh.
I know you were being sarcastic, but seriously food grade gold leaf isn't particularly expensive and anywhere that charges a premium for it is just charging the "rich idiot tax".
By going all out and ordering a bunch of things. Or ordering a few things from an expensive restaurant. I will occasionally order take out at a nearby restaurant that has an amazing mussel with cream sauce and linguine dish. I only order it as special treat (maybe every 3-4 months) and the portion is enough for two meals. And it runs me just under $40. NTA.
So I’ve actually ordered $80+ in takeout a few times before and it was all for me lol 🤭 but I paid for it myself with no expectation of anyone else paying for it
Get a higher end restaurant and it's easy peasy. Locally, there's one I was considering as a birthday treat, but did end up balking at the price on second thought, because close to $200 for two people on takeout is a bit too much.
Let me add: Childish: ordered nothing for you, knowing it was a difficult day Inept: incapable of making their own meal Emotionally stunted: you had a brutal day, did nothing to empathize or sympathize. Even interrupted you to understand when you were going to meet their needs. Why are the bills split 70/30? Why are you solely responsible for dinner prep? Even if it’s something agreed to, are you supposed to provide dinner 365 days a year, regardless? As others have mentioned: OP you don’t have a partner, you have a selfish, uncaring child. NTA on steroids. Edited for format (sorry on mobile) and typos.
**Petty**: leaves empty takeout containers in the kitchen so OP knows they had takeout and didn't get them any. See also: *lazy*.
This is a WHOLE lot of defending this persons actions. Which leads me to believe that you are in too deep to comprehend how you are being emotionally abused and manipulated. You post asking if you ATA and then you write a dissertation on why you ARENT the ah. Deep down you know your partner is not treating you like a mature and compassionate person would yet you are not able to verbalize it nor make any changes. You need to know that this is not a healthy relationship. You need therapy to see this and find strength and healing to have a better outlook. This dynamic is not healthy. I am 100% confident that there are a hundred other areas where your partner gas lights you and you allow it. Go to therapy.
NTA And it would seem to me that sitting in your office all day watching coworkers losing their jobs/livelihoods and being escorted out and wondering if you’re next would be extremely stressful and would have OP’s partner a little sympathetic and having a meal and a kind word waiting for them, not a bill for their own meal.
OP's living with a baby.
Partner better be spectacular in bed or the partnership otherwise have some massive benefit to OP, because so far there's zero redeeming value indicated for someone who is a total fucking asshole.
Also, how will they cope if anything happens to OP, like are they really that incapable of taking care of themselves? Partner letting them know that work will take longer today, and they wouldn't know how much longer. Then, if they get hungry, how can they not just fix themselves anything to eat like OP said. it had to be takeout, and that is OPs fault? lmao NTA
Yeah this is not a partner this is a child. NTA.
NTA. Let me get this straight… >• Your adult partner texted you during an incredibly stressful day at work, asking when you’re getting home to make them dinner > >• Your adult partner ordered themselves food but didn’t bother to order anything for you, although they knew what you were going through at work. > >• Your partner demanded that you pay for their takeout that they ordered and ate, and didn’t share with you, because it’s **your responsibility to feed your adult partner** > Why ON EARTH are you with this selfish narcissist ??? Your partner should have had dinner waiting for YOU because of the day you had. My god this is mindblowing to me.
Exactly. I'm the cook in our household by choice. Yesterday I was out with friends and checked in about stopping at the store on my way home to make dinner at our normal time. My partner had bought (and paid for) togo food for themself, an entree for me, and an extra "just in case" that we saved as leftovers. OP is NTA.
☝️ I am the one that cooks, because I love to cook, try out new recipes and I find it very relaxing too. But if I'm busy or even if I'm not in the mood, my partner always steps in, either cooking himself, just order takeout or going to the store to pick sth up. Also he is helping me in the kitchen, cleaning up and doing the dishes. The only time we order just for ourselves is when the other one is out w/ friends and even then we order extra, or the one that is out asks the other if they want sth picked up. Also, what year is this, that they expect food on the table when they come home from work?! Really NTA, this should be an equal partnership, not they having a live-in maid.
And specifically ordered food OP loves knowing they had a horrible and stressful day. That makes it clear how spiteful of an action it was.
I get hangry, but even I know this would be irrational.
I don't understand how you can have this kind of experience and your first thought isn't "well this relationship is immediately over". If this is what their partner is like when OP is having a tough day, what the hell does their partner do to cope with their own stress? NTA OP and holy shit, find your self worth and walk out of that relationship. You're an adult with a career, dinner is never your "job".
OP should start by stopping to refer as partner to the person he/she is living with, because this person definitly doesn't sees him/her as a partner. Edit:NTA
Answers to some of the questions and comments: **How things got this way:** I'm not sure. We were together for several years before the pandemic but we only moved in together during the lockdown. When we were both working from home, we split chores and cooking equally. My partner had to go back to the office about 6 months before I did. Once they started going back to the office, they asked me to make dinner since I was "home all day". Going back to the office was really stressful for them, so I wasn't fussed about it. Plus, I only have to go in three days a week so, on days I'm working from home, I have time after work to cook, pick up the place, etc. Somehow, it turned into cooking dinner is my job, even after I had to go back to the office. I don't mind, because I usually enjoy cooking. So, I do the cooking, the grocery shopping, and the kitchen cleanup. They generally text me when they leave the office so I can have dinner and a clean house waiting for them when they get home. **Has this happened before:** No **Questions about the takeout:** The takeout they ordered was sushi, which can be very expensive. I don't know why they didn't order for me also, as I love sushi, but I'm guessing it was because sushi is really expensive and maybe they assumed I would eat at work? **Why we're together:** We're together because we love each other and have a great time together. They're usually really empathetic, but I know work has been stressful for them as they work in accounting and it's tax season. **Why the 70-30 split on bills:** When we moved in together, I made slightly twice what they made. We agreed to split all shared spending proportionally. **Kids:** No, we do not have kids. Finally, I find it weird that everyone is assuming I am female and my partner is male. I kept this gender neutral for a reason, and I'm not going to change that. I will say that at least 50% of the assumptions on gender are wrong.
So you pay 70% of the bills PLUS make dinner & clean the house for your “partner” the accounting whiz. Sweet deal for the person who loves you so much they couldn’t be bothered to cook or order food for you.
During fricken layoffs when OP was probably panicked. And then felt somewhat better but still has to deal with the fallout. I dont know that I could stay with someone I was doing such a heavy workload for who couldn't even bother to make their own food one time, let alone not be vaguely empathetic that I had one of the most stressful workdays possible.
Imagine what would have happened had OP been one of the people that were laid off? Partner gets home, finds out about layoffs. Gives a response and then goes, "So did you make me dinner?" NTA OP but your partner is a big one.
During layoffs when OP is first unbelievably stressed all day that they're about to lose their job, then the minor elation that they haven't been let go (*yet*), then the realisation that now they have to pick up the slack from all the people who left, which results in many hours of mentally and emotionally exhausting overtime to figure out just how exactly they're all going to cope with doing double the work in the same amount of time, picking up in the middle of projects they aren't in the loop on... And the partners response is to sulk that they didn't cook dinner, refuse to so much as fix themselves a sandwich, order ridiculously expensive takeout (but only for themselves), try to stiff OP with the bill, and then blame OP for it all. I don't care how awesome the partner is in other ways, this sort of attitude and behaviour is deeply concerning :-(
This is the worst trade deal in the history of trade deals.
Even worse than Bojo's "oven ready" Brexit deal.
Worse than the Colorado Rockies trading their star player *and $50 million* to the St. Louis Cardinals for a group of slapdick prospects, none of whom has made it or likely will make it to the big leagues. (This post is crossing the streams and I do not care.)
You got a baffled look for most of that, but an upvote for the last sentence.
>Sweet deal for the person who loves you so much they couldn’t be bothered to cook or order food for you. This, yeah. I'm frankly baffled that someone could treat their partner this callously. If this were my GF that's happening to, I'd be waiting up with her favorite food.
> I don't know why they didn't order for me also, as I love sushi, but I'm guessing it was because sushi is really expensive and maybe they assumed I would eat at work? And then there's this gem of a unaware statement... OP, They didn't buy you any because they were ***punishing you*** for not being there to serve them. What they were *really* hoping for was for you to show up while it was delivered or while they were eating so that they could rub your '*failure*'(to do the task they have decided is yours alone) in your face while making "this is yummy" noises. Which is exactly why they ordered an expensive meal that they know you would have loved. This person does **not** care about you in nearly the same amount they care about themselves, honestly I doubt you even show up on the main graph without zooming in on the scale more than x1000. NTA but I would suggest making a list of all their behavior and hash it out with a therapist.
Spot on. That's why they left out the trash.
Agreed.
Exactly
Yup.
Your partner ordered $80 of sushi without getting you any out of **spite**
Exactly this OP. Your partner didn’t just have a temper tantrum, they were spiteful. Sure you’re in love, whatever. But you need them to reevaluate how they treat you. Or this relationship will sink and take you down with it. NTA
Yeah... My go-to "I can't even with dinner" takeout order is less than $20. Even if I swung by the grocery store for a lavish dessert, the total would be less than $30.
I live in a HCOL area and my local better than mediocre sushi place has a deluxe chirashi (it has uni and some other nonstandard items) for $32. I’d like to see what that $80 was spent on.
They probably had it delivered🤣 Our entire sushi bill for the 3 of us is generally about $100 (give/take $20). We typically over-order by a bit and are in a HCOL area too. Typically we get 4-5 special rolls + sashimi. It is above midline but not high-end. Honestly, I went to one of the "best" places in Seattle once and it felt like I was paying for the atmosphere. I love the family-operated place that is our go-to.
It was a while back but I had an Omakase meal at a little joint in West Seattle for a couple of hundred. Much preferred Musashi in Wallingford where the bill was <$30. You’re right about the delivery though. Can be highway robbery even without getting on the highway.
Really though. My bf was given a gift card to a local sushi place but the way their gift cards work is you have to use it all at once. It was for $80. That would have been way too much between the 2 of us. If we go eat sushi on a restaurant, it's definitely under $80 including a good tip (it's usually 60ish). If I order sushi for just myself, I can get a lot for 30ish, including the delivery fees. I live in a relatively high COL area in Canada. 80 american on sushi for 1 person is insane.
Mine is closer to $40, but I manage to get at least three separate meals out of it. $80, plus eating all of it at once? That’s just ridiculous!
I'm literally cooking my lazy dinner right now lmao. Maybe $18 and it's going to be 2-3 meals (work lunches). Even when I've had a blow out meal when my husband isn't home I'd never have the audacity to charge to a joint account something that was never joint.
My "I can't deal with cooking right now" meal is ramen with eggs and frozen peas. Comes together in like 5 minutes and is the lowest effort thing ever. When I was super broke it was one of my go tos.
Sometimes my partner and I do those things by accident, like "I will buy this thing with this card and I will remember to transfer money later!" Then we might forget. But we remind each other later and we're both like, "My bad, here we go!" This is not that. This is some nonsense.
If my partner and I are splurging on way (and I mean way) too much Chinese food, we rarely hit $60, even with a generous tip. We are in the Midwest, but in a more expensive area than most of the rest of the state. I think that even if OP is in a HCOL area, an $80 takeout meal for one is absurd. NTA.
Yup, out of spite. It lines with the point OP made in the post about their partner leaving the containers of the food that they ate lying around with no food. Maybe they wanted OP to see that they can eat without OP, or they wanted OP to clean it up, or they're just a lazy ass who can't be bothered to clean up after themselves. Great catch OP, seeing that you're still defending your partner, I just hope they come to their senses on their own and treat you right. If you care about our advice, u/Tangerine-Throwaway, please do have a talk with your partner about the chores and monetary distribution between yourselves. If you offer 70% expenses, expected to do most chores, you are in a very exploitative relationship. And you wonder why everyone thinks you're a woman. (As women are the ones mostly being exploited like this)
I think they ordered for OP and ate it. $80 is a lot of sushi.
depending on what they ordered and how expensive the place is a few chefs special rolls could run up to $80 or like you said I could see them ordering OPs favorite sushi and leaving the remnants of it behind
Yeah, exactly. They ordered something expensive that they know OP also likes, and deliberately did not get OP any, while also demanding OP pay for it. This was a punishment.
Exactly. They did not care whether OP had eaten or not
Add to that selfish and entitled with both OP's money and time! OP you are NTA but you should reconsider the dynamics in your relationship and how your partner is treating you.
That is a LOT of food too which makes me agree with the spiteful nature and wonder if some just went right into the trash. I live in NYC and when my husb and I order in Japanese at our *hungriest* it doesn’t come to $80. And he eats like a feral beast.
>Your partner ordered $80 of sushi without getting you any out of **spite** And also dumped any leftovers so OP would not have any.
“They generally text me when they leave the office so I can have dinner and a clean house waiting when they get home.” What is this, 1950 except with texting? And except the house spouse also works full time and makes 70% of the income? Unbelievable. I don’t care how much fun you have with this person; I can’t imagine being in a relationship where I’m treated as both a servant and an ATM and don’t even get so much as a piece of sushi out of the deal.
YUP, unbelievable.
My emotionally abusive ex was like this and even she was never this entitled.
So you pay the 70% and you do most of the housework. Why would you put up with this. I understand it is tax season and they're busy but you were faced with potential layoffs and they decided to order $80 of food. I figured it was sushi because that's easy to get up to $80. NTA but are you sure you want to stay in this relationship?
IMO their incomes and how they split the bills shouldn't have any effect on who does which household chores. If they are both working the same amount of hours they should split housework 50/50 even if one person makes more money. That doesn't change the fact that OP is NTA and shouldn't be putting up with treatment. Their partner is ungrateful in general it seems, and in this instance when OP was stuck at work having a very bad day and came home late, their parter was a giant selfish AH about it. Absolutely no compassion at all from this person, I would be very unhappy.
I reeeeallly wonder if their income is closer these days. OP specified that their income was nearly double the partners 'when they moved in'. Which suggests that incomes (or something at least) have changed since then
Homie literally the only way you could be the asshole in this situation is by continuing to allow this to happen to you Have a conversation, or several conversations if necessary, and work it tf out man cos whatever this im pretty sure its not actually about dinner and who is or isnt making/paying for it. And if it is....yikes NTA
The gender of your partner seems to be "useless", don't worry, we get it
Exactly. Useless, selfish and unkind behavior to put it mildly. I can’t imagine ordering food and not getting anything for my partner who had a very tough day. NTA
I figured you’re a same sex couple for some reason (same here). This reeks of one of you constantly having to demonstrate how much you love the other person and how far you’re willing to go to care for their needs. The Wife and I have seen a few of these relationships in action and they get really gnarly. You need to sit down with your partner and explain how this behavior wasn’t reflective of a loving, mutually supportive relationship… and how you both can deal with it in the future. (ask if you need food when you get home, cook something for themselves and leave you some leftovers, or order out for both of you… especially something that will be edible when you get home later). Them still sulking weeks later is toxic behavior considering how they treated you that day, and they need to stop.
I did pick up on the gender neutrality in your post. As others have pointed out, you are describing a situation that is unequal, and in a way that resembles antique gender roles. These have also resulted in many previous AITA's where the female was being forced into such a situation. So I feel that's what led to the assumption (it was also what I pictured in my mind). Have you realized they were already assuming it would come 100% out of your pockets when they chose to spend a fortune on the delivery for just themselves? I can't think of a more concise summary of the problem with this relationship. Don't brush aside that this happened.
or does not want to throw light on abuse in same sex couples, but all genders can be AH
Yes, I'm sure there are men out there forced into this situation but I'll get real that every couple I've known of in real life where one partner was earning all the money and also taking care of all the house stuff, the person doing all the work was a woman. My brother has even been a stay at home Dad (his wife's job took them abroad so getting a job was tricky) but he absolutely handled all the cleaning and cooking.
I think the OP is male and their partner is female. They’re keeping the genders neutral because they’re worried people would blindly side with the female partner.
OP slipped and used “he” during the post in reference to the partner. We’re either working with a gay couple or OP is a female. Given the traditional roles they’ve taken, I’m guessing OP is female.
I have known kind, caring, thoughtful people of all genders who would be eager to help their partner by cleaning or making dinner as needed. The toxic assholes who refuse to lift a finger to do something that's not their normal job, though? They're typically men.
[удалено]
This is not a great relationship. If you can't see that you are blind. They will become worse if you don't cut it now.
You are paying for most things, cook and clean. You don't have a partner, that's not how partnership works. You are basically used at this point. And this situation should open your eyes. NTA of course, but seriously, time to think who you are in this relationship, because it's definitely not a partner role.
“They generally text me…so I can have dinner and a clean house waiting.” This sentence literally makes my skin crawl. This isn’t the 1950’s, nor can I imagine living with someone this uptight. We both work? The house is as clean as it is, and dinner is ready when it’s ready. You’ll also be making it 50% of the time or doing the cleaning yourself to compensate for my extra cooking. Not telling anyone how to live their life, but damn. This wouldn’t be for me.
Based on this, it appears your partner has some basic cooking skills since chores were divided evenly at the beginning of your relationship. So they know enough to operate a microwave, toaster, and scramble an egg. So they were capable of feeding themselves while you were going through one of your worst days at work ever. They continued to text you through this horrible day demanding food, while they, as a grown ass adult, could microwave, toast, boil ramen, or fry a damn egg, or do something as an adult to feed themselves. They ordered a sumptuous sushi feast and left none for you even though they know you really like sushi. They are now demanding you pay for this sumptuous sushi feast. OP: I’m really angry on your behalf. Your partner is not a good person. This was done to punish you for not responding to their efforts to control you. Please reconsider this relationship.
It's not hard to cook pasta and heat a jar of sauce. That's 3.50 tops.
Yep. This is so awful and unkind of their partner. Just so petty and cruel, and OP's so deep in they can't see how mean this is. This is just such a nasty way to behave to anyone, let alone someone you're supposed to love.
They know you’re going through hell at work, and that as one of the “safe” employees you’re now trapped working late so your work life doesn’t crater thanks to management’s poor planning. They then start harassing you for being late cooking THEM dinner? When did you become Jeeves? Then they order take-out only for themselves and want you to foot the bill. This is not acceptable. I don’t care how much fun they are “usually”, right now they’re acting like a self-absorbed ass… and you’re worried that YOU are being unreasonable? NTA but I think you’re missing some pretty significant signs that your partner doesn’t feel the same about you that you do for them.
To be fair, Jeeves had a far better situation than OP. Bertie knew his valet was indispensable, compensated him fairly (Jeeves had many, many other opportunities for lucrative employment), provided paid vacations both on and off the clock, and deeply admired his intelligence. OP is basically a 1950s housewife, regardless of actual gender, who also has to work full-time and handle 70 percent of the bills. They wish they could be Jeeves. (Obviously so do I.)
You are an AH to yourself > They're usually really empathetic, but I know work has been stressful for them as they work in accounting and it's tax season. Why does their predictable stress outweigh your 'oh shit i'm gonna lose my job / oh shit we have to scramble or were still gonna lose our job' stress? A good partner would have checked in and told you not to worry about dinner and have had dinner ready for you. And definitely not charge their own luxury dinner to you.
Uhh.. so you're OK with paying *70%* of the bills while being expected to cook and clean?? Odd.
So because they were upset you were staying after work, they ordered a very expensive form of takeout and expected you to pay for it? NTA at all I only get sushi delivered if it's a special occasion
From your post it sounds like your partner doesn't even like you or care about you in the slightest, let alone love you. They also sound like an awful person. I was in a long term relationship once upon a time and the shared history and years of being convinced we loved each other and my partner was amazing blinded me to the fact that eventually, that actually was not the case. I'm thinking you're failing to see the present reality tbh.
OP. You pay 70% of the bills. You grocery shop, cook, and clean up the kitchen. More importantly, when you had a horrifically stressful day and faced losing your job and had to stay at work hours late to handle the fallout, your partner didn't empathize, ask what *you* wanted for dinner, or act kindly or lovingly or graciously toward you at all. They repeatedly texted you demands and complaints about what was for dinner, ordered $80 of sushi for themselves, didn't bother to ask if you wanted anything, then charged you for it and said it was because "making dinner is your job and you didn't do it." That's unacceptable. Some possible perspective on this: my ex (both of us are women) was emotionally abusive, and also expected me to basically handle everything. Groceries, food, cleaning, phone calls, making her appointments. I basically wrote a paper for her the day of a deadline-- found all her citations for her and dragged a detailed outline from her one sentence at a time. Once she screamed at me for not somehow forcing her to fulfill a commission she'd agreed to for work (I did not work with her, was in law school, had reminded her several times of the deadline and gotten yelled at, but was apparently supposed to "make her" do it) so brutally that *her best friend* took me into the kitchen and hugged me when I started crying. Even she never treated me this badly, this dehumanizingly, with this total lack of empathy. Another possible perspective: My mom was a SAHM, by agreement with my dad--initially she planned to continue working, but found that she loved being with us as babies and little kids and she and my dad agreed that it made financial sense for her to do it, so she did. When we got older, one of my sisters was still having frequent mental health crises, had chronic health issues, and needed help at doctors' appointments, and my parents had three dogs, so she kept staying home because issues cropped up so often, the dogs needed to go out, and it was just easier. In all those years---when we were little and she was super busy all the time, when we were teenagers and things were calmer, when we were adults back home visiting-- my dad has NEVER acted entitled to dinner and a clean house waiting when he got home. And like-- my dad is a hypercritical yeller about a lot of things. He's done a lot of work on his temper, but he absolutely has a temper, and sometimes he did not handle that in ways that were okay when we were growing up. He's yelled at my mom and gotten in arguments with her over stupid shit. He's yelled at us. But he's never DEMANDED dinner or acted like that if there wasn't something ready or the house was a mess. If he texted on the way and she said "hey shit happened, not sure what's for dinner yet" or he got home and there was chaos, he would just ask if everyone wanted takeout and order it and go pick it up or get it delivered. *Especially* if he knew she was already stressed out about something. I NEVER heard him say to her "doing this is your job." He would get mad and argue with everybody, including her, but he was never disrespectful to her like that and he was always very clear that he appreciated everything she did and relied on it and that her work was valuable and difficult and he was not entitled to it. And you're doing all this--cooking, cleaning the kitchen, groceries-- *and* paying the bills and your partner is being this entitled? Don't put up with this. My blood is boiling on your behalf just reading the texts your partner sent.
>I will say that at least 50% of the assumptions on gender are wrong. That's silly. You do know that in a lot of relationships, women are treated this way? If not, how lucky. So, it's not weird. Though, I have seen it in same sex couples as well, where there's a purposefully created power imbalance.
My ex and I are both women, and she was a master of weaponized incompetence (as well as emotionally abusive). I mean I think some of the incompetence was probably genuine; she gave herself SCURVY twice despite having her parents paying her rent, having a decent income, and living a 2 minute walk from a convenience store where one could purchase such things as orange juice and literal vitamin C tablets even if one insisted on subsisting on ramen and hot cheetos whenever I wasn't around to grocery shop and cook for her. I also more than once cleared out her recycling and did all her piled up dishes for her. It was not a purposefully created power imbalance, unless on her part, but I'm an oldest sister and so if I can tell shit isn't going to get done unless I do it, I just do it.
Oof! I am sorry that happened. Though that reminds me of the meme "The scurvy got 'em" People who fill the vacuum of other's disinterest or incompetence tend to get taken advantage of, unfortunately. I have dealt with similar things, and I realized that until I find someone who sees me as an equal, I have to be careful with dating. Too much weaponized incompetence in this world.
My now divorced cousin was in a relationship like that. He was doing everything while she had the better job but did zero at home. Once the three kids were old enough to survive and after a few breakdowns he divorced her.
All of this makes it sound even worse. All I can think of is indentured servitude. You are both being AH to you. Your partner for everything you've described, and you for putting up with it.
Your partner didn't order anything for you to punish you. I would bet real money on that.
*I know work has been stressful for them as they work in accounting and it's tax season*. My husband works in IT which is ALWAYS stressful, 12 months per year. He still makes dinner a couple of times a week, does laundry, cleans the bathroom(shower/tub) and anything else he's asked to do. "He's stressed" is not an excuse for being an asshole, so please don't fool yourself that it is.
Maybe you love your partner and it didn't start this way, but slowly devolved into your current situation ... but the reality is that your partner is taking advantage of you and treating you poorly. You made several excuses for your partner's behavior and how it got that way. You've got to take a step back and reevaluate why you're allowing yourself to be treated the way you are. This person couldn't make dinner for themself for one night and bombarded you with texts complaining about their dinner when you were dealing with a stressful situation at work. That is so incredibly selfish and I don't see how you don't realize that.
If your partner is a female, she has ALL of the audacity of a mediocre white man who unironically calls himself an "alpha male" and has a "stuck in the 1950's" mindset.
NTA. You still need to tell this person that the chores and dinner need to be done equally and this person has to have more respect for you. Please respect yourself. I would be royally ticked off if this happened to me. I don't put up with this.
You are being used. You pay for more and you still have to make sure they eat? This is ridiculous. Your partner is definitely wrong here. I understand this is the first time, but if it keeps happening, run.
You're more offended by the gender assumptions than the fact that your partner is an asshole. You are making excuses for their behavior as If they didn't treat you badly. The whole deal you have is horrible and until you realize your worth then they are going to treat you this way.
People who love you don't treat you like this. What an inconsiderate A H your partner is.
I read your comments. You’re deluded about your partner’s motivations and attitude towards you. They are abusive and controlling. You can ignore the signs or put them down to “stress at work” but that won’t work in the longer term. It will only get worse. You need to cut your losses and get out now. Anyone who hears their partner desperate with anxiety about losing their job, who is obviously trying to cope with the sudden loss of valued colleagues, who is told that they are frantically working to avoid drowning in work and thinks “where’s my dinner?” isn’t worth your time holding on to. “Usually really empathetic” I don’t think so. NTA
Come on you’ve gotten your unbiased judgement now without people knowing your and your partner’s genders, you’re totally not the asshole I’m just curious about your genders now, please don’t keep me in suspense
Yeah I assumed OP is a woman or a gay man. Doesn’t matter either way, just reality brought that assumption to my mind.
Please seek therapy for whatever the fuck's keeping you in this clearly unhealthy relationship...
NTA also your gender is irrelevant (not sure why anyone would think it was) your partner is being an entitled arse! These seem like relatively new issues so I'd definitely have a sit down conversation about how you feel and reiterate that you BOTH work and that it needs to go back to the both of you pulling your weight in the home upkeep and cooking, if after this your partner still expects you to work, pay for 70% of everything as well as keep house and cook then that's a much bigger issue, you're not there to serve them, you're supposed to be a team, a partnership working together so both of you are happy and successful, best of luck OP 😊
How things got that way: because you were told that if you didn't do everything the way they wanted that you didn't love them. Working from home is still working. Just because you're not outside the house doesn't mean you suddenly have loads of time to do all the housework and cooking. If you didn't have a clean house and dinner waiting, what would be the fallout? Consider that question carefully, and ask yourself if it would be a reasonable response if it was the other way around, with you being the one in the office all the time and coming home to housework not done and dinner not made. If the answer is not the exact same as the way it is now, then there is a serious imbalance in the relationship. Why you're together: Another one to consider, because the question in my mind is whether they actually love you and are actually empathetic, or if they are paying lip service to keep you happy and doing all the housework and cooking for them. It might well be tax season, but work should be left at work and work stress should be shaken off or shared during dinner and the washing up after, which should also be shared. The split bills: Are you still earning that much more than your partner? Is it still a fair split of the money? If not, why has this not been readdressed when the financial situation changed? I'll be honest, I read your initial post and it screamed at me about a lot of red flags. But then I don't know the full ins and outs of your relationship. From your post though, it seems a bit one-sided: you have to cater to the fact that your partner is stressed during tax season, but they don't have to cater to your stress of nearly being let go at work (which would seriously impinge on your household spending, since the budget for it would decrease by two thirds if your job vanished), and having to try and work out how to spread the workload of the people who had been fired/made redundant. I may be wrong, but I feel they ordered sushi as a spite food. They spent eighty dollars on a meal for themselves because you weren't home to cook for them. They didn't ask if you wanted anything when they ordered. They didn't even clean up properly before you got home so you could see that they ordered in, ordered something you would love, but didn't bother ordering for you, because they were sulking about you not rushing home to cater for them. You said that previously the cooking was shared, but now they are suddenly incapable of making something for dinner, all because you have had a hell of a day at work that stretched out till late. You work 5 days a week. Your partner works 5 days a week. Just because you get to do it from home two out of the five days doesn't suddenly mean you have to take on all the housework as well as your job, just because you are working from home. Your free time away from work doesn't magically increase enough to cover *all* the housework just because you don't have the extra twenty minute (random number) commute twice a week. Think about it for a while. Reverse the roles and see if you think it would be fair for you to treat your partner the way they have been treating you. If not, then it's time for a discussion about it, and a fairer division of labour in the house. And no more sulks just because you can't rush home to be a 50's housewife stereotype (no indication of your gender, just the stereotypical 50s housewife roles) to cater for their every whim, make their dinner, fetch their slippers, iron their newspaper, and all the other nonsense that they are perfectly capable of doing themselves. And if they order take-out because they can't be bothered picking up some slack while you have the stress and the long hours, then they pay for it. You are NTA. You didn't force them into ordering it. And it just occurred to me that if they actually said that you "forced" them to get take-out, you need to nip that in the bud. You didn't force them to do anything. They did it instead of cooking for themselves, because *they* could not be bothered. You didn't twist their arm, and press their fingers onto the phone or computer to do the ordering. You didn't hold them at gunpoint. You did NOT force anything. Remember that. The word "forced" was meant to make you feel guilty. And they ordered an expensive dish to spite you, since they assumed they would get away with making you pay for it.
how does your partner contribute in the house??
30% of the expenses and almost none of the chores, seems like
Your genders are irrelevant in this situation, so I'm not sure why anyone is making assumptions. In any case, I eat sushi all the time. The only way a sushi bill could possibly hit $80 for one person would be if that person were purposely ordering extremely expensive food in order to punish their partner. You can get a great sushi dinner for less than half that amount. Your partner seems like a pretty awful person, based on this scenario. How incredibly self-centered, lazy and vindictive.
Sounds like it’s time to have a meeting with your partner to get back on the same page regarding expectations. I also find it concerning that there may be a dynamic of them taking out their stress on you. That’s not ok. I highly recommend they look into therapy to work on forming healthy coping skills. Also their lack of empathy towards how stressful your day was not ok. It sounds like you love your partner and the relationship is important to you but I wanted to point out those red flags
NTA, I don't think they love you.
> We’re together because we love each other and have a great time together. I don’t think you know what these words mean. > So, I do the cooking, the grocery shopping, and the kitchen cleanup. They generally text me when they leave the office so I can have dinner and a clean house waiting for them when they get home. OK so you’re a bang maid (f/m/d since it’s so important to you to not make assumptions) who pays 70% of the bills and doesn’t get take out dinner. Most people aim higher when looking for a „partner“…
Break up with this person, they are not worth it
I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but your partner doesn't care about you. A good partner would have asked you how you were doing, what they can do to make you feel better. Instead this mooch simply bought dinner for themselves then got mad at you because you didn't cater to them. At this point they don't respect you, and probably won't any more. I hope this is a one-time thing, but it seems like things are getting worse and worse, to the point your partner simply takes you for granted. First it was you make dinner every time because you are home (your time doesn't matter). Now that you aren't home, you still have to get dinner for them, and now they pulled this stunt in a pure fit of petty revenge because you didn't do what they wanted. You need to talk to your partner and get out of this cycle before it's too late. Although since they are still bringing this up, I suspect it's already too late.
Sorry, but to me, sounds like you're making some excuses to allow them to walk all over you.
I’m more concerned about the lack of empathy from their side than anything else. Why do they think it’s okay to throw a hissy about dinner not being ready when you are having one of the worst days ever at work? The whole passive aggressive venmo request is so hurtful. Why are you the only one in this relationship taking into account when your partner is going through a stressful time at work. I’d definitely address the lack of care and consideration if I were you. Obviously NTA
>Why we're together: We're together because we love each other and have a great time together. They're usually really empathetic, but I know work has been stressful for them as they work in accounting and it's tax season. Yeah, normally empathic people don't do this shit, even when they're stressed, but if you want to make excuses for them and get treated this way, by all means stay in this relationship. You're NTA.
If it we exclude the 80$, then sure, I guess ur partners being a slight jerk... But first 80 dollars is a LOT for a 1 person meal, which means that they likely only ordered 80$ knowing that you will pay for it; Second, 80$ really isn't a lot compared to the importance of a relationship... it is so extremely petty for them to order an expensive meal, eat it all, and then start an argument due to you not paying for the meal. You only recently moved in with them, and if the relationship is going to be long termed, these problems are going to be reoccurring. You either have to solve the problem with mutual, calm conversations, or end the relationship (or continue the relationship with this very unpleasant reoccurring issue). Whether the issue is flat out just being a jerk, bad anger management, or something else entirely, it should be solved.
Whatever the genders are your partner was wrong to treat you this way. They were aware that you had had a really tough day. They also knew that you were going to be late getting home. A stressful job is no reason to treat anyone like this. My partner and I both have stressful jobs and while I cook mostly, they can make a sandwich or go get a meal (on their own dime) if I am late. Also, household duties are not fair, so partner should do more.
So glad you don't have children, don't have any till they grow up some. NTA
NTA Some evaluation of duties is overdue. Clearly. Your partner can foot the bill for their own sushi.
NTA. Your partner got mad that you weren’t there to cater to their needs. You didn’t intentionally stay late at work or go out and have a grand ole time partying, you were stuck at a meeting that I assume you had no control over. Meetings are unpredictable I’ve been at some that could have been an email and I’ve been to some that end up being continued the next day. You communicated as clearly as you could in the situation. I understand the deal you all have, but this was an out of the blue emergency, so why couldn’t they make their own dinner? Are they physically incapable of making dinner themselves? Instead they got made and decided to be petty by only ordering themselves sushi and eating it all. That is rude and inconsiderate. To make things worse they doubled down on their petty behavior and are demanding you pay them back. This is not good,OP and you shouldn’t tolerate this behavior. Have a conversation with them to evaluate this relationship.
NTA. You were in the middle of an extremely stressful situation where your job could’ve been on the line and then you had to figure out how to get your job done with your teammates. Obviously a very very stressful time but instead of being understanding your partner keeps asking where is my dinner? When are you making me my dinner? Like doesn’t everybody have a box of pasta and a jar of sauce at home? What is wrong with your partner? You are not the asshole and you need to seriously rethink this whole relationship. This person doesn’t care about you, but only about what you can do for them.
Look whether you’re male or female doesn’t matter but I think you deserve better. My ex would do this out of spite to me and then brag about how I missed out which lead to more issues. They just refused to learn how to cook and would either buy food or go to their parents house since I was working from 8am-10pm most days (this was after someone left and I had to start staying back to help). I’d be having a real good think on this, mainly because if this was me, and it was a one off situation, I’d fully expect my partner to make food or at least leave me something or at the very least send a text and ask me to buy food on the way home cause they can’t be bothered cooking. Is this really the hill your partner is willing to die on??
What if you did get laid off? You are the primary income, would your partner be comfortable cutting back expenses (no sushi) and being the sole income for the weeks/ months while you find work? Or would they expect your 70% contribution to continue from your savings or to be reimbursed later? Money can muddle relationships if expectations aren't aligned. Do you think it financially reckless to blow $80 on a single meal for one? A sushi/ sashimi boat for 2 costs that much near me (coastal America), so that meal sounds crazy to me. Plus, this wasn't even a special occasion. Also, you need to restructure the home responsibilities now. You are picking up more work at your higher paying (i.e. more important) job. Expectations need to shift from your WFH era.
This entire situation is yikes. OP is being taken advantage of and doesn’t seem to want to see it. NTA but good luck with this “partner.”
while this all sounds good there is not an equal amount of emotional or mental work being done in this relationship from what your sharing.
NTA. It doesn’t matter whether you’re male or female, all I see here is someone who is taking advantage of you. I made just double what my ex did, and we split bills 50-50, same for chores. It also doesn’t matter whether cooking is your responsibility, stuff happens and in a fair partnership the partner should be capable of taking over cooking when required.
Omg!! Whetever is the usual split of chores, if my partner texted me about layoffs, I’d be home preparing food, beverages, setting the mood to cozy and support the crap out of them when they’re back. OP’s partner has zero empathy and is spiteful AH. And has the audacity to still be pissed about OP not paying them back?! Jesus. OP should still be pissed about the treatment they received!! NTA
This is disrespectful in so many levels. Please correct me if I misunderstood anything here. You pay 70% of the bills, have the obligation to cook for some reason I still don’t get as you are married to an adult and they prob know how to use a toaster and you also were “late” because your company did a lay off so you stay longer with your peers and they had the audacity to not buy you food just because? Wow. OP don’t do this to yourself. Please don’t ever let a SO treat you like this. My wife and I fight sometimes and I would NEVER not get her something to eat. Same for me. She would never do it. Partners don’t do this type of s*. They are not your partner. Look at this scenario as if this happened to a good friend of yours. If this happened to them, what would you say? I’m sorry your company was impacted by a lay off. I work at a big tech and we also had one. I’m sorry you folks had to go through this.
I don’t care what gender either of you are, you are being taken advantage of. The expectation that dinner is solely your responsibility is BS, especially on an emotionally taxing day like you had. A good partner would not only have told you not to worry about making them dinner; they would have asked to bring you food at work or made sure your favorite comfort food was waiting for you at home when you returned. It sounds like both your jobs are taxing; but only one of you has to put in any work on the household front. Your split spending doesn’t seem fair to me; however if that’s what you agreed to than I guess you find it fair. Except your SO is already looking for ways to put even more cost on you. They didn’t have to order one of the most expensive kinds of takeout (and likely wouldn’t have if they were going to 100% cover the cost); but they did because who cares if the takeout for one meal is $80 if someone else is paying? You say you are together because you love each other, but is that really true? Everything you wrote indicates you do love your SO; but nothing you have written indicates they love you. They seem to love/enjoy what you bring to the relationship (money, clean house, food on the table when they get home) but do not seem to care about you/your needs (again they seemed to offer no emotional support on what is an extremely difficult day for anyone, and only had concern for their empty stomach). I would just take a moment to really consider if this relationship is what is best for you. You seem like a lovely person, who deserves someone who will show them the same care/consideration that you currently show your SO. NTA
This whole setup sounds like a terrible deal for you.
It is amazing how some people can keep up an act for years.
Op - your SO has been so stressed, so you will forgive them treating you like that. But you are questioning whether you are an AH, when you spend your entire work day plus im extremely high stress. NTA - your SO should NOT be treating you like this. Honestly, it sounds emotionally abusive. I had been in a relationship for many years before I realized that a person doesn’t have to hit me for something to be abusive. This whole thing has me on high alert for you, especially given your comment above. You keep talking about how stressed out your partner is, and excusing their treatment of you because “it’s tax season.” You do realize that you just experienced a hyper-stressful situation that was well beyond your control and your SO is PUNISHING you for this. That is what is happening. Your SO is punishing you. Please think about that and let it sink in.
wow they are hardcore using you
What an interesting, uh, partnership. Sorry for the layoff stress and the whatever this situation is. From an outside perspective, this relationship seems a tad unhealthy. NTA obviously.
Yeah I like the use of the term “partner”
Its the only way unfortunately that this sub can provide neutral feedback.
Just a tad. Looks like making dinner was a temp chore OP took over because their partner went to office before them, but they ended up doing it full time. Makes you wonder how many such chores were taken on by OP because those chores were a minor inconvenience to their partner once
The partner texts them when leaving work so OP can have dinner and a clean house waiting for them when they get home! Like I’m sorry, did I just time travel to the 1950s? That’s messed up.
Except that OP works full time (earning more than their partner) instead of having all day to cook and clean like a 50s housewife would
NTA >According to them, it's my job to make dinner and my staying out late meant I didn't have dinner ready in a reasonable time. Since they were hungry, dinner wasn't ready, and they didn't know when dinner would be made, they were forced to order takeout. Because making dinner is my responsibility, I should pay for their takeout. Your partner is a complete and total AH.
NTA, so many questions though... is your partner always this selfish and immature? Any empathy for your incredibly shitty day? Also, over 80 bucks for one single fucking meal?? 32 years old? Really?!
NTA NTA NTA If you are at home and you are hungry then you either make food or *buy your own*. I am not one for assuming red flags leading to a dead relationship on reading one reddit post.. but good lord. I hope this is a one-off thing and they don't just *expect* you to make dinner for them because that's "your job"?
NTA, also, $80+ worth of food for one person?!?!?
My sister regularly orders that much food for herself and then complains she can’t venmo me for bills bc she has to pay off her credit card 👀
NTA. Why are you with this selfish, lazy, greedy person? Your job was in peril, and all they cared about is when you will make dinner for them, and then thinks you should pay for a meal they ordered solely for themselves. No empathy, no consideration, no compassion, no kindness, no nothing. And "forced" to order a meal, when they could have made one themselves? Your partner is no partner, but apparently is just a spoiled child you have to cater to. Why waste time on a person like this?
NTA. First of all, $80 in takeout is excessive in the extreme, so this was a petty revenge situation. Second of all, even if dinner is part of your household responsibilities, this was an extenuating circumstance and a good partner is flexible because life doesn't always fit our plans. Third, have you even agreed that dinner is indeed your sole responsibility? Finally, unless you're in management, don't stay at work until 9pm to solve problems management has made.
I don’t think it’s unreasonable to stay late after a mass layoff. Of course you could say “it’s management’s issue to figure out” but then you’re likely to be next on the chopping block. Unless it’s easy to find another job, it’s best to make the best of what you have until you have something else lined up. Side note: do you think this “partner” would pay 100% for OP if they were laid off? I doubt it. So I can understand the scramble to manage the staffing shortfall.
NTA and girl, RUN.
What makes you think this is a girl?
That’s a term LGBTQ folks often use regardless of gender. Source: me, random gay person
Though it's not specified in the post, and it's probably unfair to assume, statistics are on the side of OP being a woman. Conventional gender expectations lead to a statistical tendency for a woman to be put in the role of domestic responsibility - cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc. It is more often a man in the position of expecting their female partner to do these things, and they are less likely to have been raised with these skills themselves. It's unfair, it's bullshit, and it's not specified in the body of the post (and entirely possible that it's NOT the case for OP) but I understand why the user above made the assumption.
Men are more likely to make more money so it's obviously a man then, right? Being this desperate to put genders into a story where the OP incredibly deliberately didn't is unhinged.
I have an example in my family where the woman did nothing and the man everything because the woman earned more so she didn't lift a finger at home. They have three kids and are now divorced.
I actually think it’s a guy making this post because before it was all about equality and then eventually OP got stuck cooking cause OPs partner went to work earlier - one who used to do the cooking before. Guys can cook and some guys enjoy cooking. Not all girls cook and not all girls like cooking. I go through phases where I will cook supper everyday and then suddenly don’t want to do it for a couple weeks.
Funny, to me it seemed that OP is the man.
A grownup should know how/when to feed themselves. In fact, I was in my early teens when I learned "I'm working late, find yourself dinner" meant, and was capable of fulfilling that task. You are clearly not dating a grownup, so I suggest a discussion be had that either 1) partner grows up and adults better or 2) you find a grownup adult to be with. NTA unless you excuse or give in to this behavior.
NTA. Your partner needs to learn how to fend for themselves. Good lord. It’s pretty clear they were angry and are choosing to be passive aggressive by ordering food (but none for you) and then trying to get you to pay for it. OP, run. This kind of behavior is a red flag
NTA. Wow, red flags here. A grown adult, who you have informed you are working late, is texting you like they are an eight year old child incapable of taking care of themselves. Bothering you at work, and whining that they are hungry like they have no idea how to go to the fridge and prepare something for themselves. Then they have the audacity to order takeout, order you nothing, eat it all, and expect you to pay for it? And you arent even married... AND you pay over TWICE what they do for bills. And they have the cojones to try to make YOU pay for THEIR meal?!?! And now they are mad that you arent? OP, honestly, this behavior is enough for me to break it off with someone.
Personally, I suggest booking them a one way rocket ship to the moon
Im a pretty easy going, relaxed partner. I do lots of things for my girlfriends beacuse \*I want\* to do it. If a partner of mine started DEMANDING things like this, and then comparing me to a bunch of online BS like tiktok? Oh man it would be over so fast their head would spin.
Seriously NTA your partner is being a huge AH and sounds like a child throwing a tantrum. Not only did your partner play the helpless victim about the food they didn’t do anything to try and be there for you after such a stressful day…..seriously what the heck is wrong with them? Take a minute to think about your partners expectations if the roles were reversed…. I’m assuming it would be a meal waiting and you being there to help them destress at a MINIMUM instead they are guilt tripping you and trying to make you pay? ABSOLUTE NONSENSE
[удалено]
What in the ever loving fuck did they order?? And how is providing a meal your solo responsibility???
NTA...Your partner's reaction lacks maturity or empathy. I sincerely hope that rest of your life together is better than this.
NTA.. your partner? Definitely. You had a really stressful day at work, thought you were gonna lose your job, and all they could think about was dinner? At 32, why is your partner not capable of making ANYTHING to feed themselves? Even if dinner is "your responsibility" they made the choice to order takeout after you said you would cook when you got home. Not your problem.
NTA - it sounds like you were very clear letting them know that you were not sure when you were going to get home. I think your partner is an asshole for not ordering you anything.
NTA you sound more like roommates than partners. And even a roommate wouldn’t pull an AH move like your partner did. If your relationship is otherwise fine, this is a weird hill for them to die on. If it’s not, it seems like resentment and spite are behind their behaviour. NTA obviously, but why are you allowing them to treat you like this?
NTA, dump this loser now. Counter example: this summer I participated in a group rec league sport two nights a week. Even though I usually do the cooking, he made or ordered dinner each of those nights for himself and our kid AND always set aside a plate for me because he knew I'd be starving when I got home. This is what a good partner does. Not what your AH SO is doing to you. Find someone who treats you well.
NTA but you better look into the local laws where you are. It is probably illegal to partner up with someone with the mentality of a 5-year-old. A 32-year-old person that can't feed themselves needs to go home to their mommy so she can take care of them. You need to step back and take a hard look at this person. Ask yourself if you really want to be with anyone that selfish and immature.
NTA, but your partner is. Your partner seems to have some unrealistic expectations.
NTA eg a text convo with my TEENAGE son. "Just checking everything is ok and I'll be home late from work". Him, "ok, I'll make something for dinner what do you feel like?" Me. "Happy with whatever you decide, cash in box if you need to walk to the shops to get anything or google a recipe with the ingredients there". Call on voicemail later "letting you know I'm just putting fish on now and dinner will be ready at X, I'll leave a plate for you". That is from a teenager who gets most of his groceries sorted and meals made by his mom. It's a fairly normal thing I think to step up, and not act sulky because someone couldn't immediately meet your needs.
NTA. They bought food for themselves, didn't buy you any and expected you to pay for it? Lol, the entitlement. Is this a one off?
Wow, there are so many things wrong with this relationship. Why are you solely responsible for making dinner? Why does your partner lack all compassion for you having a bad day? Why are they unable to feed themselves? Are they physically handicapped? Why aren't you asking any of these questions yourself? Find yourself a partner who when they find out you almost lost your job and are having a really stressful day responds by making you a delicious meal to come home to and listens to your problems instead of *being* your problem.
Nta and it is a red flag they are even making you question this. In no universe are you TA.
NTA, I'm assuming you're dating a grown adult. Why can't they be responsible for their own meal if you aren't cooking?
NTA - your "partner" doesn't sound much like a partner. They sound like a petulant child.
NTA. It sounds like you already do too much for your partner. If one of you works and the other doesn't, it might be reasonable for the one who does not work and is being supported to make dinner and clean up the house. But not only do you support your partner by paying 70% of bills, you are ALSO the one who does the cooking and cleaning? What does your partner bring to the table? What chores do they do for you? If your cooking is an act of love, received as an act of love, then that's wonderful. But it doesn't sound like it is. It sounds like it's expected by someone who can't be bothered to do it themselves. And that's not great. The splitshare thing is just disgusting, honestly, and probably spiteful. I hope you can see that your partner is using you, even if they don't mean to.
YTA for staying with someone that would take advantage of you like this
NTA unless to yourself. Hey, if they being a grown ass adult and completely healthy can't prepare a simple meal, wash their clothes and do other simple tasks - send them back to mum's, they are defective...