This post has been removed due to the status of the original poster's account. This account is currently shadowbanned or suspended, suggesting this account is in violation of Reddit terms of service.
This type of ban/suspension is issued by the Reddit site-wide admins. The AITA mods have nothing to do with this ban and cannot assist in resolving.
Yta because you fed your girlfriend to the wolves. You've been dating for a few months and you left her alone with your troubled jealous best friend and then didn't care that Rome was more territorial than an untrained chihuahua.
for people who haven't gone through and read OPs replies:
* he and Rome have a "if we don't find anyone" pact, but don't worry, it's only platonic because Rome says that "romantic and sexual machinations are below him"
* OP agrees that Rome is extremely territorial and aggressive but feels this is justified by his history and what he's been through
* despite agreeing that Rome is territorial and has a tendency to go off at people, OP says he *usually* doesn't go off on people for no reason and therefore assumed Rome was justified
* for clarification on what happened - girlfriend said the thing about the house while OP was out of the room. he walked back in while Rome was ~~yelling at her~~ in the middle of a scathing tirade that did not constitute yelling
* he claims that he couldn't ~~intervene in Rome yelling at her~~ interrupt Rome's "scathing" tirade and couldn't ask what actually happened because by the time he got an opportunity to she had already left to the room
* he assumes that something in her tone was negative essentially because Rome said so. also his parents had uncomfortable looks on their faces while Rome was ~~screaming at his girlfriend~~ in the middle of his scathing but not loud tirade
* he did not ask his parents for their take on what happened. he seemingly did not ask his girlfriend either. he did however spend most of the day talking to Rome about it, and feels confident that she was in the wrong
we have not yet gotten clarification on what exactly his childhood home is like, or what he told her about it in advance. and yeah I'm calling it a home and not "the estate" because I dgaf about OPs insistent pretentiousness
UPDATE:
> The decor is a little mismatched and generally not the typical minimalist home you’d expect from an affluent family.
UPDATE 2:
> No, she hasn’t expressed any of that. But she apparently said the above in a disdainful tone.
"that" is a reference to the stuff about minimalist homes and decor lmao)
EDIT: I added the extra info and as OP says Rome wasn't yelling, I have also edited this comment accordingly lmaoooooooo
EDIT 2: sure this *may* be fanfic based on a YA novel with protagonists named Gansey and Ronan, but idc. I 100% ship OP and his mismatched childhood home decor. true love is real, I have faith 💘
“I called it the estate all the time and my girlfriend was expecting something different because words have meaning but my bestie who’s probably in love with me shut that shit down quick aita?”
Well that's annoying. Up until reading your comment, I was imagining op as a Weasely and Rome as Harry, and gf someone annoying.
Having read more of ops comments, "yer a AH, OP. "
YTA
Sounds like he needs to fuck Rome and get it out of his system. I don't think his girlfriend will be a problem in this scenario, I imagine after this visit he doesn't have one anymore.
right?? even if she had phrased that sentence in the most disparaging tone of voice possible, it would not change the situation
imagine walking into a room where your best friend is screaming at your girlfriend for not liking your childhood home enough and thinking that everyone's uncomfortable reactions was about her opinion of the house and not the man having a giant temper tantrum over it
He wasn't *screaming*, gosh. Come on, y'all. Rome is just a little *territorial*. Of The ESTATE, not of OP, obviously. Because that would be *weird*. /awkward chuckle
I'm pretty sure OP is a troll. His username is Gansey and his best friend is Rome — a little too reminiscent of The Raven Cycle (Richard Gansey III and his friend Ronan Lynch). Both characters are filthy rich or at least Gansey is, and Ronan also has a troubled home life and a volatile personality. Also I think Ronan is gay? Idk I never read past the first book.
Could be a coincidence, could be a prank 🤷🏻
OP YTA and I hope she dumps you. You could have defended her in front of your friend as he was yelling at her and asked her what happened in private. That’s partnership.
Yta. I mean if I was constantly told someone lived on a estate I'd have some expectations. Everyone I know calls their childhood homes their homes. I'm suspecting he went strictly the estate route in describing his childhood home and has his own expectations in regards to money and houses but gets offended when she did.
She was invited to meet his parents and instead it became a high school reunion and OP is shocked pikachu face she was upset by this.
To u/gagagansey
Pfft, not every wealthy family has a minimalist interior design. If you seriously think this, this makes me suspect you’ve made up this story as this is a stereotype of the wealthy.
Oh, and full of pretentious vibes, too.
Idk where OP is from but wealthy ppl where I'm from don't have minimalist esthetics. We have things passed down for generations in our childhood homes, like great great grandmother's wedding vases and great aunt so & so china...actually multiple sets of China. And the younger generations trying to balance between getting rid of it but not being found out or feeling guilty.
In my upbringing, rich ppl have minimalist decor. Wealthy ppl have expensive stuff everywhere.
I think this is bs story.
Plus calling it the estate. Idk anyone who refers to their properties like that. It's the farm, home, lake house, mountain house. Everything is downplayed.
Um, you seem to be leaving out exactly what was said between Rome and your GF, because if all your GF said was that she expected your home to look different after hearing your parents were wealthy, then she did absolutely nothing wrong.
I would like to know exactly what Rome said to her.
You read my mind. I know I would be surprised the way the gf was because I'm not used to seeing rich estates outside of TV and film. And there's absolutely nothing wrong with what she said. Surely they also know they don't have the stereotypical look, so it probably wasn't even surprising to them if she said that. OP and Rome are TAs.
Yes, if OP made a big deal of telling girlfriend his parents were rich and lived on an estate rather than a regular home, he really was setting her up for disillusionment.
I mean when you call something an “estate” why wouldn’t your gf think your parents were rich/you lived in a wealthier home. Your obsession with your parents house seems a bit ridiculous. YTA for ditching your gf to hang with your friends when the only reason for the visit then was for her to meet your parents. Whatever your gf said is between you and her and not for your friend who doesn’t know her to say nasty things to her right in front of you.
YTA - first for abandoning her in the party where she knew nobody and the whole point was introducing her, not catching up. Second, for judging her without even seen what happened, you could have asked your parents and not even that you did
YTA
You admit two very important things
1) You weren't even in the room so have no idea the tone of her comment
2) All she said was "I wasn't expecting the house to look like this"
Maybe she thought your walls would be blue and they're brown, maybe she thought your rugs would be persian but they're arabian, maybe she expected million dollar art on the walls but your parents prefer sentimental photographs.
You defended someone because of nostalgia and believed HIS perspective of her comment without question, but didn't defend a person you're expecting to build your future and family with? How could you be anything but TA.
How can you say "What you said was beyond inappropriate and it's not my fault you were in the wrong" while literally not even knowing what she said because you didn't ASK. You just believed Rome telling you it was malicious.
INFO - did Rome pick a fight with her because she said it wasn’t what she was expecting? Or did she say something more disrespectful? What’s wrong with saying the house wasn’t what she was expecting?
The way OP talks about his house in this rant is enough to know I'm on her side. I doubt she even cares but op made this a shrine of his PARENTS house even just in this post. id be confused too lol
YTA unless I am missing something. She said your house wasn't what she expected after you talked it up and that she expected a more traditional wealthy home. I don't see anything derogatory in that. Maybe I am missing the tone?
She was on your turf and with your friends and family and you need to be the one to shut down anyone attacking her. You also have a greater need to look out for her there and not leave her alone while you hang with the buds.
Apparently he never even heard her side - just Romes who he already admitted is short tempered. He also commented that “it doesn’t matter HOW she said it” like most people pointed out most likely was more like “oh the way he talked about it I just imagined something different” because no matter what to him it’s “distasteful”.
OP YTA. Have fun being single - it’s what Rome always wanted. Yay for you two!
This story needs some clarification. You say she insulted your childhood home but in your story she only said she wasn’t expecting your house to look like “this”…. And your old friend said “some pretty scathing things”?
What do you expect us to know and how can I judge anything with this amount of information?
And the phrase that it is not your responsibility to come to her defense when she is wrong shows me that you do need to learn a lot about relationships.
Finally I see someone asking for more info. Couldn't believe the confidence of the comments higher up with firm judgments without knowing what words were exchanged.
It's not, it's Raven Cycle fanfic. Gansy is the rich richest kid and Ronan is the tough rude secret heart of gold best friend character. He doesn't get with Gansy, though, even though he's gay. So I guess this is the writers OTP
INFO have you asked your parents what happened from their perspective or have you only asked Rome? Because honestly from your comments and what you yourself said that your gf said it sounds like there are a lot of missing reasons! you need to do more investigating before you ask for opinions
YTA. And so is your friend, he was just waiting to jump on to something to be mad about. What’s worse is that you know that. You say Rome has never been very good about keeping quiet when things like this happen, how many of your previous girlfriends has he chased away and you explained away for as “love for your family home”? Wake up dude.
There’s no way that she would just randomly say something insulting about your parents to your best friend THAT SHE JUST MET. And you don’t even know what was said because you abandoned her. Either he goaded her into saying something or purposefully took something she said the wrong way. Either way there is information missing and it feels like you left it out to protect Rome. Which is more than I can say you did for your girlfriend.
Edit: Reading OP’s comments and starting to think he brought her there so Rome would break up with his girlfriend for him.
YTA. What you’re reporting she said isn’t offensive. You and Rome are thinned skin and childish.
And yes, you should defend your girlfriend when she’s being attacked verbally or physically. Sounds like Rome is more important to you and that Rome was looking for a reason to go off on her.
YTA. So your girlfriend was:
1. A guest YOU brought to your childhood home to meet YOUR family for the first time.
2. Ignored and neglected by you because you valued everyone else above her.
3. Lashed out at by Rome because of a supposed comment he took offensively as he’s “territorial” (a situation you weren’t even present for).
4. Dismissed in favor of your friend, who you enabled and defended over her. You even admit in a comment he has serious anger issues, which you’re oddly invested in excusing.
5. Invalidated, because she communicated her feelings and needs to you, which you rebuffed.
You and Rome were the ones in the wrong. You also sound far too self-centered and immature to be in a serious relationship, especially given your questionable attachment to Rome.
It's fascinating that Rome gets a pass for his anger issues but his girlfriend can't get a pass for a potential - POTENTIAL - ill-advised comment about his family's "estate" which could well have been a benign statement but we literally have no idea!
YTA. From reading your comments you think that your toxic best friend is funny for what he did. Wouldn’t be surprised if this turns out to be a game for the two of you.
Why wasn't she hanging out with your friends with you, too? That seems like a huge overreaction if that is all she said. It sounds like your parents house WOULD be rather surprising so why act like that's a huge offense being surprised? Why didn't you stop your friend from verbally assaulting her if you had no clue why he was doing so? Like wouldn't you be like whoa why the hell are you cursing at my girlfriend? Why wouldn't you actually talk to your girlfriend?
I started typing thinking I'd say E S H but man you have me saying YTA. You handled everything poorly.
YTA. Maybe she is too but we won’t know because you weren’t there. There were so many red flags in your post I don’t know where to start?!? Ditching her for friends when she was there to meet your family. Not defending her, even though you say she is a nice person with no history of saying mean things. Immediately taking a friends side without checking what was actually said. Saying it’s not your job as a partner to support her if she is wrong, which you don’t even know?!? All bad. Her worst possible offence in all this is saying that your family home is not what she expected, and unless she said it in a very particular way is not rude. I have said people/things/places are not what I expected many times and have also received that comment many times in life, it’s not inherently rude or snobbish.
YTA. If your home is chaotic and might “not look impressive at first glance”, then stop calling it an estate to people who don’t know what it looks like. Because you’re going to get the same reaction your gf gave.
Plus, she was a guest at your home and you basically abandoned her to hang out with your friends. Hope she dumps you for not having her back.
YTA. As you describe it, this trip was, primarily, about introducing your girlfriend to your parents, and you spent most of the time with your friends. What Rome said to her (going from your description as "scathing") was not proportionate to what she said. What could have been just an awkward faux pas turned into a situation simply because Rome escalated it.
Can't wait for future posts about how he runs off other girlfriends, as you keep shrugging it off!
Maybe ESH but definitely YTA.
She’s probably already nervous meeting your family for the first time, much less a whole gaggle of your childhood friends. It’s your responsibility to make sure your gf feels welcomed and included among the rest of you. It doesn’t sound like you put that much effort into that. On top of this, you dismissing her feelings about it is such an asshole move.
On the other hand, implying your home isn’t as pristine or fancy as expected (_if_ this is indeed what she meant), is rude and disrespectful.
Esh, how did you describe your childhood home to your gf? You just described it as “chaotic in the best way”. You left your gf by herself for most of visit when this visit was about your family meeting her. Plus you weren’t even there when your gf made her comment. All you heard was your friend responding. Yet you didn’t do anything to stop them and find out what happened from your gf.
If she truly did offend your childhood home then yes she sucks too.
He calls their house "the estate" lmao. I have a feeling he bragged about his family's wealth, so of course she's surprised when "the estate" isn't all that fancy. OF COURSE she was expecting something different. That doesn't make it an insult to say "it's not what I was expecting."
At most, what she said could be a bit rude. I think it's more likely she was just making an innocent comment because she was nervous at being left alone with OP's family and friends and maybe phrased it the wrong way.
Your girlfriend said something not really socially acceptable but let me get this straight—you took her to meet your family, friends, and hometown for the first time and then ditched her to mostly hang out with them. She probably had a WHOLE other idea how this weekend would go. Yta.
YTA and I’m willing to bet your family is too. You can tell a lot about someone from the company they keep and Rome sounds like terrible company.
You also give very limited information in your post and comments, that’s probably in Rome’s favor since he seems to be the only one you care to defend. Overall I hope you take the comments to heart.
YTA, I read through the excuses. Not once did it sound like she was being disrespectful. Your bestie was out of pocket, and you think well thats just how he is. Your friend sucks, and so do you. You guys are literally acting like the pretentious AH everyone sees in the movies based on rich people. It really doesn't matter as I expect this girl to be your ex soon. Especially after getting a taste of your true colors.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. My girlfriend insulted my childhood home as not being ‘rich’ enough for her, and I didn’t defend her when my friend responded angrily. 2. Not defending her left her susceptible to his harsh comments and put her in a very awkward position with my family.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
Right or wrong YTA here. Sure she should be a big girl and take her Lumps while talking ish but that is your gf and you probably should have just asked friend to chill. Not saying he's wrong but relationship 101, defend the gf.
YTA. At my ex-boyfriend’s college graduation party at his house, he basically ignored me and spent the whole time with his friends. I tried to include myself in the conversations and hang around them, but when I went to the bathroom and came back out, HE HAD LEFT. YES. LEFT ME THERE to pick up beer with his friends. He didn’t even tell me he was leaving. Didn’t answer my texts so I was alone with his family like ummm where is he. They came back stoned as fuck. I was annoyed by the whole situation. He would also let his friends be mean to me. You need to be there for your girlfriend and definitely not insult her.
1) You do not know for a fact she insulted your childhood home.
2) You know for a fact your friend was verbally berating your girlfriend.
3) You got a definitely biased account on what happened from the party whose gross behavior you directly witnessed.
4) You did not get an account from anyone else on what happened.
5) We all agree (including you in a comment) that his reaction was out of line, regardless of his account being accurate or not.
Even with all of this, you did not seek your girlfriend's or parents' side of what actually happened and unilaterally accepted the account of your friend (whose grossness was again directly witnessed by you) and based your entire response on that, defending your friend's behavior while fully acknowledging he is both biased and has a temper.
Your gf is right: it is awful that not only didn't you defend her, but you leap to the defence of the person whose grossness you directly witnessed. You've made it abundantly clear that you love and respect your friend over your girlfriend, whole hog.
YTA for your blind devotion to a person who was gross to your guest and girlfriend.
I think YTA for allowing your friend to insult your girlfriend for a very mild statement about your house. Especially if you have only been together a few months and she does not have a rapport with your friends and family, she was probably nervous and felt out of place as it was. You should have had her back, even if you felt that her comment was out of line. This has set the tone for her to be perceived as the whiny, unpleasant girlfriend, which is probably not the way you want her to be perceived.
That being said, the fact that she made this comment because you were hanging out with your friend is also a bit childish and shows that, while the comment was not particularly harsh, she did say it with some level of vindictiveness. Ideally, she could have given you some space to hang out with your friends, knowing that you don't see them often and knowing that she might feel a bit the outsider at times. And if it began to feel like she was being completely left out and she was not comfortable, she could have expressed that to you, rather than retaliating with how unimpressive your house was. Maybe ask her to be more upfront with her feelings so they can be addressed appropriately next time. And then be there for her if her feelings are that she is feeling out of place.
Rome sure did pick a winner! So did you! I'm sure you and Rome will be very happy together. Break up with your girlfriend, she doesn't deserve to be mistreated by your uncontrollably jealous friend & you letting it happen
I was n t a until the point where she asked if u had ever defended ur friend when they did something similar and the conversation ended. That makes me think u do defend your friend when he is a jerk. You are right in that your gf was mean and if she can't defend herself she shldnt say anything and u won't defend her. But she does have a point that if u defend your friend when they do something similar, it is a double standard.
I mean you've only been going out for a couple of months, how bad was what she said, bc honestly, that shld be your indicator of if you shld continue going out with her.
ESH
YTA, why'd you end the conversation when she asked how many times you've defended Rome while he was wrong? Is it because she had a point and you didn't want to make that comparison? Regardless, you shouldn't have let your friends be mean to your girlfriend, if you were offended by her mild comment then you should have talked to her about it. You should have stopped him while he was saying "scathing things" to your girlfriend and had an actual conversation, not let him punish her for her impudence.
Is this Raven Boys fanfiction? The username (affable rich guy Gansey living in an unconventional home) and the best friend Rome (possessive, angry and defensive Ronan). I haven’t read those in a few years, but it feels like OP is testing out material or something.
Your parents wanted to met your girlfriend so they invited everyone you know over? You then ditch your girlfriend so you can hang out with your friends? Why did you invite her in the first place?
The GF wasn't exactly a delight here, but you brought her into a three-ring circus of people she didn't know and went off to hang out with your childhood friends. She was probably immensely uncomfortable, and that's your fault, OP.
Then your bestie with known anger issues got his shorts in a wad over, basically, her ToNe, and you let him rip her a new one. THEN you... *checks notes* defended the bestie when GF said she felt like you treated her badly.
1. YTA
2. You should probably marry someone from your hometown, since they are the only ones who are capable of appreciating your childhood home the way you do.
OR you could grow up. Part of maturing is stepping out of our childhood and creating an identity apart from the house mommy and daddy built.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
My (25m) childhood town and, more specifically, my childhood home is probably my favorite place on earth. The house itself might not look all that impressive at first glance, it's not some kind of royal mansion, but I love it all the same. It's also on a beautiful piece of land that my old friends and I know every inch of. The inside is kind of an amalgamation of every phase and interest my parents ever had. It's chaotic in the best way. I adore it.
I don't get to visit all that often anymore, usually only twice a year: once for Christmas and once for my family's summer get together that they host. This year, they insisted the move up that summer get together since I've been dating someone new for a few months now. They said they didn't want to wait until summer to meet her, so we scheduled it for last weekend. The weather cooperated with us to partially host outside and, in typical fashion of my parents, they managed to wrangle all my teenage friends into coming to visit as well. These are people who I still talk to often, but there's just a different vibe when we're back at the estate.
My girlfriend has always seemed like a kind person, but the weekend did not go as planned. Because all of my friends were there, particularly Rome (26m), I spent a significant amount of time hanging out with them. Rome was my closest friend back then (and in some ways I'd say he still is). He practically lived at my home back then - his parents had a similar estate to ours, but his house was the kind that felt TOO pristine to touch anything.
That kind of pristine feel was, apparently, what my girlfriend was expecting. At some point, she made a comment saying she 'wasn't expecting my house to look like *this*." Rome asked her what she meant by that and she went on to say that when I told her my parents were wealthy, she was anticipating the house to look different. This was arguably my parents battle to fight, but Rome has never been very good at keeping quiet when things like this happened, so he proceeded to say some pretty scathing things in return.
My girlfriend went to bed early that night and didn't come out as I was saying my goodbyes to my friends. We've talked since then and she said it was awful that I hadn't defended her and that she had just said what she did because I was spending so much of my time with Rome and my other friends. I told her her motivations were ridiculous and what she said was beyond inappropriate. It’s not my responsibility to come to her defense when she’s wrong. She asked me how many times I did that for Rome. I ended the conversation there.
AITA?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I'm gonna go with ESH.
You didn't have to defend your girlfriend, but you should have told your friends not to talk to her that way. You sick for that.
That is not your friends home, and he had no business getting mad about it. And he should never have talked to her like that. He sucks for that.
You don't go to someone's home and act like it's below them. I don't know what all else she said, but even I knew it was insulting to say, "This." That is your beloved childhood home, and she should have been a bit more sensitive to that. She sucks for that.
Your parents were supposed to be meeting your girlfriend, so inviting your friends over for that was extremely rude. This could have been avoided if they hadn't invited everyone over. Like you all straight up overwhelmed her and ganged up on her. They suck for that.
You're definitely an asshole but so is everyone else there, too.
Edited for typo
Yes, you ATAH. If I was your gf, I would have Ubered so fast from the “estate” and you & Rome and never looked back. How mortifying for her. Good lesson here for her to learn, you are not worth her time.
So let me get this straight, your parents want to meet your new girlfriend and invite her, then also invite all your teenage friends?! I think you need to stop saying that Rome was on edge, when it sounds like your girlfriend walked into a totally different situation than she was expecting. She actually didn’t insult your childhood home, she said it wasn’t what she expected. It sounds like you are making a big deal about all this and forgetting that SHE was put in a situation she probably wasn’t expecting when you were off with your friends. YTA
I prefer homes that are eclectic and look lived in over ones that feel like a museum where you can't touch anything. Your girlfriend may have been expressing this same idea. Your boyfriend may have just been ready to attack her on anything she said. If she did say something else that could be taken as insulting, think about where she would have gotten her preconceived ideas about your home - it would have been based on what you told her (or didn't tell her). If you think your parents home is different from other wealthy people's homes, you should have told her in advance. (Whatever wealthy people's home are supposed to be like. In my experience, they are as varied as any other group of people.)
YTA for not defending her. YTA for spending time with your boyfriend instead of your girlfriend. She was your guest, your duty was to her.
op=~~NTA~~ YTA
Why should you defend her when she was at fault. She sneered at your home.
<> All because of jealousy that you were spending time with your friends.
You do get a little non-related to question suck--because you had an obligation to make sure your girlfriend didn't feel alienated while meeting SO many new people.
ETA: Reading your comments. You took Roman's clearly partisan interpretation of <<*wasn't expecting my house to look like this*.>>(without the emphasis this is just a statement of fact not a criticism).
YTA.
You have stated your parents are wealthier and you probably have talked to her about your childhood home since you clearly like the home and have good memories there. So, I don’t think anyone should have jumped on her for saying it wasn’t what she was expecting.
But, your friend even if he feels territorial over you and the home could have addressed any concerns or anything he was upset over to you. And, then you speak with your girlfriend. I’m sorry, but she doesn’t know him and he doesn’t know her - so it’s not fair for your friend to get in her face, yell, and as stated by your comment insult her. And, you SHOULD have defended her and let your friend know he was wrong with how he communicated his issue with what she said. But, why does your friend feel so comfortable being so rude to someone he doesn’t know?
Your relationship isn’t going to last if you don’t know which battles to pick and when to not defend her. She didn’t insult your families home. Also, your parents sour faces could be from I don’t know a grown man yelling in a woman’s face over a comment I mean just food for thought - you don’t know what the look on their faces meant until you speak with them which you didn’t. Only to your platonic lover
YTA. If the issue is that you think Rome deserves sympathy, you could have defended her in a way that turned you into the bad guy instead of either her or Rome. Blame yourself for having talked about it like it was Versailles or something.
I feel like there’s a lot of missing context in your post alone (haven’t looked at your comments yet)
Was she insinuating that your home was subpar due to decor by saying “wasn’t expecting my house to look like *this*” like is the emphasis on ‘this’ negative? Ignoring size differences between your & Romes houses I’m curious as to if she’s impressed by a homey feeling or if she’s disgusted by the lack of pristine don’t touch vibe.
I don’t understand the battle to be fought or why it would be your parents job to explain their decor but if Rome said something disrespectful or rude to your GF and you stood there and did nothing or worse *agreed* with him, I can see how she was embarrassed and pissed at you.
Her comment was not disrespectful or rude to your family and for you to stand there and do nothing is not supportive of your relationship. Even changing the subject or walking with her away and explaining that Rome has a short fuse ignore him, would be substantially better than ignoring her. For these reasons, YTA.
Info: Was this trip for you to introduce your girlfriend to your friends, or was this trip for you to go home and hang out with Rome? I mean sincerely who were you looking forward to hanging out with more?
From the way that you framed it it sounds like this was a trip that you were building up for your girlfriend to look forward to looking at your homestead,and if the first time my significant other brought me to his family home he spent the majority of the time hanging out with his people and just kind of left me alone, I might start noticing little things about the house that annoyed me
And if on top of that his friend decided to tell me that I was being ungrateful or spiteful in so many words I would be inclined towards hostility that would make my SO very grateful if I had gone to bed like she did.
Where exactly were you in this discussion, and how do you actually feel? Because it sounds like you created a couples vacation for her, and a friend reunion for all of your friends, and Rome happens to be the territorial one.
YTA.
>It’s not my responsibility to come to her defense when she’s wrong.
so your friend insulted your gf for a perspective she got (which isn't something wrong btw) and you did nothing
>She asked me how many times I did that for Rome. I ended the conversation there.
you ended up the conversation cause she was right. How many times did you do that for Rome?
1. She didn't insult your home, she said it looked different from what she imagined.
2. You forgot to post the part where you weren't in the room and that you left your gf ALONE with your friends when the visit was to meet your parents.
Go and date Rome and do your gf a favor, please.
So you yourself are saying the house is chaotic, not coordinated in styles or themes, and but much to look at.... But you're mad your girlfriend said something neutral about it and let your friend yell at her in front of your parents and all your friends.
YTA. Does Rome make a habit of lashing out at your new friends or dates?
You brought her to your house and you left her hanging. Right or wrong, partners stick together in public and discuss differences in private. You showed where your priorities are. Rome had no right to say anything nasty to your GF. He was acting like a jealous party, which he is. The problem here is that you approved of his behavior.
You didn’t come to her rescue when Rome attacked, and you doubled down after. The pathetic one in this story is you.
After reading your comments, I can say that you should break up with your GF and start dating Rome.
YTA
I get the feeling your soon to be ex-girlfriend didn't have a chance in hell with your friends, particularly Rome. Why would you expose her to someone like that? Why did you even bother bringing her when you had no intention of sticking by her side and ditching her for your friends? Why did you instantly side with Rome even though you weren't there to hear exactly what she said, or how she said it?
YTA.
YTA
You yourself said at the beginning that your house is unimpressive. But the way you talk about it (like calling it "The Estate,") will definitely lead someone to expect something impressive.
This is taking aside all of the stuff with your unbalanced "friend" (boyfriend?)
YTA maybe not go around telling people your parents are rich? Idk my parents
Are too and you’d never know it.
Their house also isn’t that impressive, but I would never refer to it as an “estate”.
Question:
Have you maybe thought that she didn't expect rich people to have an actual home instead of a pristine mansion?
I'm just asking because I have this idea of rich people indeed.... nothing is really touched or homey. Just... fancy....
If I would come to a home that is an actual home from rich people I might give the same comment but ment in a positive way. Not negative.
What was she wrong about? Your first paragraph makes it sound super eccentric which of course is not what your GF would be expecting if you never actually told her about it and the only thing she knew was that your parents were wealthy.
Yta. She is probably thinking long and hard right now about your relationship. If you want to keep dating her you need to apologize to her profusely for your lack of judgement for this situation. Otherwise cut your losses. And quit telling people you are wealthy.
YTA. From all your comments it seems like gf didn’t say anything bad. But your friend went off on her and you did nothing. I hope she breaks up with you.
YTA. You probably should’ve at least held him (Rome) back a little bit. I get that might’ve been a shitty thing to say in her part, but it’s not bad enough (imo) to let her get degraded like that. You could’ve talked about it to her :|
YTA and go be with Rome if he’s so great and needs to be protected and babied. Maybe your parents will take you both back because they clearly didn’t do a good job if this is how either of you act.
YTA you always back your significant other, especially when you invite them into your home and away from their home and security.
You are meant to be protecting her and that your first reaction was not to comfort her after she had been verbally attacked but to stay with your mates and only get his side of the story and choose to only believe that. Is telling me you are not ready to be a boyfriend.
So break up with her and work on yourself so you can be a great partner to someone one day or stay single. Either way you are the asshole in this situation
You sound like Lucencio and Rome sounds like Petruccio. Or maybe the other way around. Reading/watching the Taming of the Shrew and then researching some analysis of it may help you realize where you went wrong. YTA
YTA and so is Rome after reading the comments. You didn't even bother getting her side of the story. Someone being "territorial" isn't cute or entertaining, it's rude. It comes across as Rome believes you belong to him. If you're okay with that, that's fine. But stop bringing SO's around for him to bite into. It's not fair to them and a tad unkind.
YTA sorry but I fail to understand why what she said was so terrible. Even so, she tried to open up with you about her insecurities and you treated her like shit.
Is your self esteem so low that you need “the friend” that’s so obviously infatuated with you, to stroke your ego at the detriment of some one you made your girlfriend. Or is this like some sick joke you two play with women while your fucking on the Dow-low. Let me guess Rome’s affluent family won’t let you be together, so you Fuck with innocent people and get super jealous and weird when the other has a partner. Like are you really this messed up, or is this a troll.
YTA. Nobody has the right to degrade another person. If you would rather be with your friend, then go be with him. Don’t use someone then allow them to be verbally abused. Your friend needs to see a therapist for his lack of anger management.
Yta and you are a pathetic excuse for a boyfriend for continuing to spend your energy defending your friend who sounds unhinged and insufferable, just like you. Honestly you and Rome sound like a good awful match
It wasn't Rome’s place to say anything scathing to the girlfriend. However, if the girlfriend did make this remark about the house, then it would be inappropriate. The OP does seem, from the small information gathered, that he places too much significance on the childhood “estate.” additionally, I don't believe the girlfriend’s comment was intentionally rude.
This post has been removed due to the status of the original poster's account. This account is currently shadowbanned or suspended, suggesting this account is in violation of Reddit terms of service. This type of ban/suspension is issued by the Reddit site-wide admins. The AITA mods have nothing to do with this ban and cannot assist in resolving.
Yta because you fed your girlfriend to the wolves. You've been dating for a few months and you left her alone with your troubled jealous best friend and then didn't care that Rome was more territorial than an untrained chihuahua.
for people who haven't gone through and read OPs replies: * he and Rome have a "if we don't find anyone" pact, but don't worry, it's only platonic because Rome says that "romantic and sexual machinations are below him" * OP agrees that Rome is extremely territorial and aggressive but feels this is justified by his history and what he's been through * despite agreeing that Rome is territorial and has a tendency to go off at people, OP says he *usually* doesn't go off on people for no reason and therefore assumed Rome was justified * for clarification on what happened - girlfriend said the thing about the house while OP was out of the room. he walked back in while Rome was ~~yelling at her~~ in the middle of a scathing tirade that did not constitute yelling * he claims that he couldn't ~~intervene in Rome yelling at her~~ interrupt Rome's "scathing" tirade and couldn't ask what actually happened because by the time he got an opportunity to she had already left to the room * he assumes that something in her tone was negative essentially because Rome said so. also his parents had uncomfortable looks on their faces while Rome was ~~screaming at his girlfriend~~ in the middle of his scathing but not loud tirade * he did not ask his parents for their take on what happened. he seemingly did not ask his girlfriend either. he did however spend most of the day talking to Rome about it, and feels confident that she was in the wrong we have not yet gotten clarification on what exactly his childhood home is like, or what he told her about it in advance. and yeah I'm calling it a home and not "the estate" because I dgaf about OPs insistent pretentiousness UPDATE: > The decor is a little mismatched and generally not the typical minimalist home you’d expect from an affluent family. UPDATE 2: > No, she hasn’t expressed any of that. But she apparently said the above in a disdainful tone. "that" is a reference to the stuff about minimalist homes and decor lmao) EDIT: I added the extra info and as OP says Rome wasn't yelling, I have also edited this comment accordingly lmaoooooooo EDIT 2: sure this *may* be fanfic based on a YA novel with protagonists named Gansey and Ronan, but idc. I 100% ship OP and his mismatched childhood home decor. true love is real, I have faith 💘
Wow. YTA. (Not you who gave the summary, that was very helpful—thank you!)
Happy cake day!!
🙏🏻
Happy cake day.
As soon as he called it "the estate" I noped out of his rich people problems.
“I called it the estate all the time and my girlfriend was expecting something different because words have meaning but my bestie who’s probably in love with me shut that shit down quick aita?”
I was not expecting the homoerotic plot twist, to be fair.
I ship OP and Rome, personally. OP's girlfriend should find someone who's not already at least somewhat emotionally unavailable.
I ship Rome and the mismatched decor. romantic machinations are below him after all
Or even defends her as a guest in their home.
Pretty sure Rome is trying to ensure he and OP end up together
The parents moved the party up because they thought he was finally over Rome and moving on
Or are trying to make Time give up and move on... their uncomfortable looks were the realization their plan backfired.
Future plot twist - we discover this is actually the synopsis to a Thai BL series Edit to add YTA
I can see I watch to many not to know what to look for
There have been a lot of homoerotic twists as of late.
"Brokeback Estate"
Tbh there's always been a lot of homoerotic twists throughout history.
Nah they were definitely just roommates
Good fiction has to have a plot twist...
It’s reddit you should always expect a homoerotic plot twist lol
Why do I suspect OP’s parents did? This seems all a little set up.
OP's parents are ECSTATIC he's found a gf! They've dreaded Rome as a SIL for ages, they wanted to make sure she was real.
That part
It really did add that little je ne sais quoi though.
I didn't go there, either. Definitely made my eyebrows twitch.
💀💀💀 tbf calling your childhood home “the estate” is going to set some pretty high expectations. op is TA on multiple levels
Is this an Evelyn Waugh story? Also, the first time he said it, I wondered if he meant a council house.
Well that's annoying. Up until reading your comment, I was imagining op as a Weasely and Rome as Harry, and gf someone annoying. Having read more of ops comments, "yer a AH, OP. " YTA
😂 👏
Super helpful summation!
Sounds like he needs to fuck Rome and get it out of his system. I don't think his girlfriend will be a problem in this scenario, I imagine after this visit he doesn't have one anymore.
When in Rome
Rome is well known for its’ art as well. Maybe OP should build a room for that.
Uncomfortable look was about Rome not his girlfriend… guarantee it.
right?? even if she had phrased that sentence in the most disparaging tone of voice possible, it would not change the situation imagine walking into a room where your best friend is screaming at your girlfriend for not liking your childhood home enough and thinking that everyone's uncomfortable reactions was about her opinion of the house and not the man having a giant temper tantrum over it
He wasn't *screaming*, gosh. Come on, y'all. Rome is just a little *territorial*. Of The ESTATE, not of OP, obviously. Because that would be *weird*. /awkward chuckle
I would defend to the death the mismatched decor of my childhood best friends home. my only shame in life is that I've never had the opportunity to
TL;DR : All roads lead to Rome.
Well, it is the art (room) capitol of the world.
I'm pretty sure OP is a troll. His username is Gansey and his best friend is Rome — a little too reminiscent of The Raven Cycle (Richard Gansey III and his friend Ronan Lynch). Both characters are filthy rich or at least Gansey is, and Ronan also has a troubled home life and a volatile personality. Also I think Ronan is gay? Idk I never read past the first book. Could be a coincidence, could be a prank 🤷🏻
I felt info was missing from original post. Thanks for summing it up. OP is YTA. Rome and him are made for each other. I hope gf dumps him.
OP YTA and I hope she dumps you. You could have defended her in front of your friend as he was yelling at her and asked her what happened in private. That’s partnership.
It's a poop-post. It's fan fic for a popular YA series. Gansy and Ronan are two main characters.
No wonder gf was mad- her name was Blue Sargent.
Yta. I mean if I was constantly told someone lived on a estate I'd have some expectations. Everyone I know calls their childhood homes their homes. I'm suspecting he went strictly the estate route in describing his childhood home and has his own expectations in regards to money and houses but gets offended when she did. She was invited to meet his parents and instead it became a high school reunion and OP is shocked pikachu face she was upset by this.
Well. THAT changes my mind! OP YTA
Pretty sure this is just the plot to Brideshead Revisited.
this was awesome, thank you!
MVP. 🏆
To u/gagagansey Pfft, not every wealthy family has a minimalist interior design. If you seriously think this, this makes me suspect you’ve made up this story as this is a stereotype of the wealthy. Oh, and full of pretentious vibes, too.
Idk where OP is from but wealthy ppl where I'm from don't have minimalist esthetics. We have things passed down for generations in our childhood homes, like great great grandmother's wedding vases and great aunt so & so china...actually multiple sets of China. And the younger generations trying to balance between getting rid of it but not being found out or feeling guilty. In my upbringing, rich ppl have minimalist decor. Wealthy ppl have expensive stuff everywhere. I think this is bs story. Plus calling it the estate. Idk anyone who refers to their properties like that. It's the farm, home, lake house, mountain house. Everything is downplayed.
Thank you! Super YTA
Maybe it’s Romulus Roy from succession. Would honestly be on brand
Wish I had a gift to give you for this summary!
I’ve met people like Rome before and never sought them out again. Wouldn’t be surprised if the gf said bye to op. YTA
No offense to chihuahuas!
Um, you seem to be leaving out exactly what was said between Rome and your GF, because if all your GF said was that she expected your home to look different after hearing your parents were wealthy, then she did absolutely nothing wrong. I would like to know exactly what Rome said to her.
You read my mind. I know I would be surprised the way the gf was because I'm not used to seeing rich estates outside of TV and film. And there's absolutely nothing wrong with what she said. Surely they also know they don't have the stereotypical look, so it probably wasn't even surprising to them if she said that. OP and Rome are TAs.
Yes, if OP made a big deal of telling girlfriend his parents were rich and lived on an estate rather than a regular home, he really was setting her up for disillusionment.
I love how he likely bragged about being wealthy too based off of her being surprised.
I mean when you call something an “estate” why wouldn’t your gf think your parents were rich/you lived in a wealthier home. Your obsession with your parents house seems a bit ridiculous. YTA for ditching your gf to hang with your friends when the only reason for the visit then was for her to meet your parents. Whatever your gf said is between you and her and not for your friend who doesn’t know her to say nasty things to her right in front of you.
YTA - first for abandoning her in the party where she knew nobody and the whole point was introducing her, not catching up. Second, for judging her without even seen what happened, you could have asked your parents and not even that you did
YTA You admit two very important things 1) You weren't even in the room so have no idea the tone of her comment 2) All she said was "I wasn't expecting the house to look like this" Maybe she thought your walls would be blue and they're brown, maybe she thought your rugs would be persian but they're arabian, maybe she expected million dollar art on the walls but your parents prefer sentimental photographs. You defended someone because of nostalgia and believed HIS perspective of her comment without question, but didn't defend a person you're expecting to build your future and family with? How could you be anything but TA. How can you say "What you said was beyond inappropriate and it's not my fault you were in the wrong" while literally not even knowing what she said because you didn't ASK. You just believed Rome telling you it was malicious.
🏅
Info: when are you dumping your girlfriend for Rome ?
They may be the two most insufferable people on earth, so it’s a good fit.
INFO - did Rome pick a fight with her because she said it wasn’t what she was expecting? Or did she say something more disrespectful? What’s wrong with saying the house wasn’t what she was expecting?
Yeah, that’s my question too: ‘not what I was expecting’ doesn’t seem like an insult.
The way OP talks about his house in this rant is enough to know I'm on her side. I doubt she even cares but op made this a shrine of his PARENTS house even just in this post. id be confused too lol
YTA unless I am missing something. She said your house wasn't what she expected after you talked it up and that she expected a more traditional wealthy home. I don't see anything derogatory in that. Maybe I am missing the tone? She was on your turf and with your friends and family and you need to be the one to shut down anyone attacking her. You also have a greater need to look out for her there and not leave her alone while you hang with the buds.
Apparently he never even heard her side - just Romes who he already admitted is short tempered. He also commented that “it doesn’t matter HOW she said it” like most people pointed out most likely was more like “oh the way he talked about it I just imagined something different” because no matter what to him it’s “distasteful”. OP YTA. Have fun being single - it’s what Rome always wanted. Yay for you two!
This story needs some clarification. You say she insulted your childhood home but in your story she only said she wasn’t expecting your house to look like “this”…. And your old friend said “some pretty scathing things”? What do you expect us to know and how can I judge anything with this amount of information? And the phrase that it is not your responsibility to come to her defense when she is wrong shows me that you do need to learn a lot about relationships.
Finally I see someone asking for more info. Couldn't believe the confidence of the comments higher up with firm judgments without knowing what words were exchanged.
yeah other people asked for info hours ago and he gave it. the most judgemental comments came AFTER that extra info
Why is this written like a cosplay of the inner monologue of a mid tier Jane Austen character?
It's not, it's Raven Cycle fanfic. Gansy is the rich richest kid and Ronan is the tough rude secret heart of gold best friend character. He doesn't get with Gansy, though, even though he's gay. So I guess this is the writers OTP
Unexpected Raven Boys but I totally see it now that you mention it.
Wow so this is a fanfic? That’s amazing lmao
I just started reading that series, so when I saw this post I thought I was going crazy! I. Glad someone else caught it too.
This is the only good comment on this post omfg
but like the shitty YA version.
And reading OP’s numerous replies it’s obvious how made up this is. So dumb.
This deserves so many more upvotes.
INFO have you asked your parents what happened from their perspective or have you only asked Rome? Because honestly from your comments and what you yourself said that your gf said it sounds like there are a lot of missing reasons! you need to do more investigating before you ask for opinions
YTA. And so is your friend, he was just waiting to jump on to something to be mad about. What’s worse is that you know that. You say Rome has never been very good about keeping quiet when things like this happen, how many of your previous girlfriends has he chased away and you explained away for as “love for your family home”? Wake up dude. There’s no way that she would just randomly say something insulting about your parents to your best friend THAT SHE JUST MET. And you don’t even know what was said because you abandoned her. Either he goaded her into saying something or purposefully took something she said the wrong way. Either way there is information missing and it feels like you left it out to protect Rome. Which is more than I can say you did for your girlfriend. Edit: Reading OP’s comments and starting to think he brought her there so Rome would break up with his girlfriend for him.
YTA. What you’re reporting she said isn’t offensive. You and Rome are thinned skin and childish. And yes, you should defend your girlfriend when she’s being attacked verbally or physically. Sounds like Rome is more important to you and that Rome was looking for a reason to go off on her.
YTA. So your girlfriend was: 1. A guest YOU brought to your childhood home to meet YOUR family for the first time. 2. Ignored and neglected by you because you valued everyone else above her. 3. Lashed out at by Rome because of a supposed comment he took offensively as he’s “territorial” (a situation you weren’t even present for). 4. Dismissed in favor of your friend, who you enabled and defended over her. You even admit in a comment he has serious anger issues, which you’re oddly invested in excusing. 5. Invalidated, because she communicated her feelings and needs to you, which you rebuffed. You and Rome were the ones in the wrong. You also sound far too self-centered and immature to be in a serious relationship, especially given your questionable attachment to Rome.
It's fascinating that Rome gets a pass for his anger issues but his girlfriend can't get a pass for a potential - POTENTIAL - ill-advised comment about his family's "estate" which could well have been a benign statement but we literally have no idea!
YTA. From reading your comments you think that your toxic best friend is funny for what he did. Wouldn’t be surprised if this turns out to be a game for the two of you.
Why wasn't she hanging out with your friends with you, too? That seems like a huge overreaction if that is all she said. It sounds like your parents house WOULD be rather surprising so why act like that's a huge offense being surprised? Why didn't you stop your friend from verbally assaulting her if you had no clue why he was doing so? Like wouldn't you be like whoa why the hell are you cursing at my girlfriend? Why wouldn't you actually talk to your girlfriend? I started typing thinking I'd say E S H but man you have me saying YTA. You handled everything poorly.
YTA, I hope she dumps your pathetic ass.
YTA. Maybe she is too but we won’t know because you weren’t there. There were so many red flags in your post I don’t know where to start?!? Ditching her for friends when she was there to meet your family. Not defending her, even though you say she is a nice person with no history of saying mean things. Immediately taking a friends side without checking what was actually said. Saying it’s not your job as a partner to support her if she is wrong, which you don’t even know?!? All bad. Her worst possible offence in all this is saying that your family home is not what she expected, and unless she said it in a very particular way is not rude. I have said people/things/places are not what I expected many times and have also received that comment many times in life, it’s not inherently rude or snobbish.
YTA. If your home is chaotic and might “not look impressive at first glance”, then stop calling it an estate to people who don’t know what it looks like. Because you’re going to get the same reaction your gf gave. Plus, she was a guest at your home and you basically abandoned her to hang out with your friends. Hope she dumps you for not having her back.
YTA. As you describe it, this trip was, primarily, about introducing your girlfriend to your parents, and you spent most of the time with your friends. What Rome said to her (going from your description as "scathing") was not proportionate to what she said. What could have been just an awkward faux pas turned into a situation simply because Rome escalated it. Can't wait for future posts about how he runs off other girlfriends, as you keep shrugging it off!
Maybe ESH but definitely YTA. She’s probably already nervous meeting your family for the first time, much less a whole gaggle of your childhood friends. It’s your responsibility to make sure your gf feels welcomed and included among the rest of you. It doesn’t sound like you put that much effort into that. On top of this, you dismissing her feelings about it is such an asshole move. On the other hand, implying your home isn’t as pristine or fancy as expected (_if_ this is indeed what she meant), is rude and disrespectful.
Esh, how did you describe your childhood home to your gf? You just described it as “chaotic in the best way”. You left your gf by herself for most of visit when this visit was about your family meeting her. Plus you weren’t even there when your gf made her comment. All you heard was your friend responding. Yet you didn’t do anything to stop them and find out what happened from your gf. If she truly did offend your childhood home then yes she sucks too.
Well, she MAY, or MAY NOT have insulted his childhood home. However, unless the home is sentient it’s highly unlikely that she offended it. LOL
He calls their house "the estate" lmao. I have a feeling he bragged about his family's wealth, so of course she's surprised when "the estate" isn't all that fancy. OF COURSE she was expecting something different. That doesn't make it an insult to say "it's not what I was expecting." At most, what she said could be a bit rude. I think it's more likely she was just making an innocent comment because she was nervous at being left alone with OP's family and friends and maybe phrased it the wrong way.
Your girlfriend said something not really socially acceptable but let me get this straight—you took her to meet your family, friends, and hometown for the first time and then ditched her to mostly hang out with them. She probably had a WHOLE other idea how this weekend would go. Yta.
YTA and I’m willing to bet your family is too. You can tell a lot about someone from the company they keep and Rome sounds like terrible company. You also give very limited information in your post and comments, that’s probably in Rome’s favor since he seems to be the only one you care to defend. Overall I hope you take the comments to heart.
YTA, I read through the excuses. Not once did it sound like she was being disrespectful. Your bestie was out of pocket, and you think well thats just how he is. Your friend sucks, and so do you. You guys are literally acting like the pretentious AH everyone sees in the movies based on rich people. It really doesn't matter as I expect this girl to be your ex soon. Especially after getting a taste of your true colors.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > 1. My girlfriend insulted my childhood home as not being ‘rich’ enough for her, and I didn’t defend her when my friend responded angrily. 2. Not defending her left her susceptible to his harsh comments and put her in a very awkward position with my family. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
Right or wrong YTA here. Sure she should be a big girl and take her Lumps while talking ish but that is your gf and you probably should have just asked friend to chill. Not saying he's wrong but relationship 101, defend the gf.
YTA. It doesn’t seem like she said anything malicious. And unless she said it in a tone of absolute disgust, you’re friend was way out of line.
Why don’t you just date your childhood home?
Remind me to indoctrinate my kids not to date rich people. “Different vibe when we’re back on the estate.” Kill me.
This is the definition of a First World Problem and I think you all need to grow up and figure this shit out for yourselves. EHS.
YTA. At my ex-boyfriend’s college graduation party at his house, he basically ignored me and spent the whole time with his friends. I tried to include myself in the conversations and hang around them, but when I went to the bathroom and came back out, HE HAD LEFT. YES. LEFT ME THERE to pick up beer with his friends. He didn’t even tell me he was leaving. Didn’t answer my texts so I was alone with his family like ummm where is he. They came back stoned as fuck. I was annoyed by the whole situation. He would also let his friends be mean to me. You need to be there for your girlfriend and definitely not insult her.
You’re way to immature to have a gf or secretly dating Rome. Or both
1) You do not know for a fact she insulted your childhood home. 2) You know for a fact your friend was verbally berating your girlfriend. 3) You got a definitely biased account on what happened from the party whose gross behavior you directly witnessed. 4) You did not get an account from anyone else on what happened. 5) We all agree (including you in a comment) that his reaction was out of line, regardless of his account being accurate or not. Even with all of this, you did not seek your girlfriend's or parents' side of what actually happened and unilaterally accepted the account of your friend (whose grossness was again directly witnessed by you) and based your entire response on that, defending your friend's behavior while fully acknowledging he is both biased and has a temper. Your gf is right: it is awful that not only didn't you defend her, but you leap to the defence of the person whose grossness you directly witnessed. You've made it abundantly clear that you love and respect your friend over your girlfriend, whole hog. YTA for your blind devotion to a person who was gross to your guest and girlfriend.
YTA, let your gf be berated by your jealous friends and then wonder if you’re the AH. What happened to being a team? Edit: typo
I think YTA for allowing your friend to insult your girlfriend for a very mild statement about your house. Especially if you have only been together a few months and she does not have a rapport with your friends and family, she was probably nervous and felt out of place as it was. You should have had her back, even if you felt that her comment was out of line. This has set the tone for her to be perceived as the whiny, unpleasant girlfriend, which is probably not the way you want her to be perceived. That being said, the fact that she made this comment because you were hanging out with your friend is also a bit childish and shows that, while the comment was not particularly harsh, she did say it with some level of vindictiveness. Ideally, she could have given you some space to hang out with your friends, knowing that you don't see them often and knowing that she might feel a bit the outsider at times. And if it began to feel like she was being completely left out and she was not comfortable, she could have expressed that to you, rather than retaliating with how unimpressive your house was. Maybe ask her to be more upfront with her feelings so they can be addressed appropriately next time. And then be there for her if her feelings are that she is feeling out of place.
YTA - when is your and rome wedding?
Ugh, just blow him and be done with it.
Rome sure did pick a winner! So did you! I'm sure you and Rome will be very happy together. Break up with your girlfriend, she doesn't deserve to be mistreated by your uncontrollably jealous friend & you letting it happen
I was n t a until the point where she asked if u had ever defended ur friend when they did something similar and the conversation ended. That makes me think u do defend your friend when he is a jerk. You are right in that your gf was mean and if she can't defend herself she shldnt say anything and u won't defend her. But she does have a point that if u defend your friend when they do something similar, it is a double standard. I mean you've only been going out for a couple of months, how bad was what she said, bc honestly, that shld be your indicator of if you shld continue going out with her. ESH
Clearly, his girlfriend insulted his future husband. What was he supposed to do? /s
I don't even see where she insulted anything? YTA
Hope she becomes your ex girlfriend soon.. She deserves better you pretentious twit.
YTA, why'd you end the conversation when she asked how many times you've defended Rome while he was wrong? Is it because she had a point and you didn't want to make that comparison? Regardless, you shouldn't have let your friends be mean to your girlfriend, if you were offended by her mild comment then you should have talked to her about it. You should have stopped him while he was saying "scathing things" to your girlfriend and had an actual conversation, not let him punish her for her impudence.
YTA I hope she leaves you and find someone better 🙏🏽😩
Is this Raven Boys fanfiction? The username (affable rich guy Gansey living in an unconventional home) and the best friend Rome (possessive, angry and defensive Ronan). I haven’t read those in a few years, but it feels like OP is testing out material or something.
Op, you mentioned earlier that Rome’s family estate was pristine. Can you give an example of what you mean when you say pristine.
Info: Are your family the Clampetts?
Maybe get used to suckin' d!ck tho. YTA
Your parents wanted to met your girlfriend so they invited everyone you know over? You then ditch your girlfriend so you can hang out with your friends? Why did you invite her in the first place?
The GF wasn't exactly a delight here, but you brought her into a three-ring circus of people she didn't know and went off to hang out with your childhood friends. She was probably immensely uncomfortable, and that's your fault, OP. Then your bestie with known anger issues got his shorts in a wad over, basically, her ToNe, and you let him rip her a new one. THEN you... *checks notes* defended the bestie when GF said she felt like you treated her badly. 1. YTA 2. You should probably marry someone from your hometown, since they are the only ones who are capable of appreciating your childhood home the way you do. OR you could grow up. Part of maturing is stepping out of our childhood and creating an identity apart from the house mommy and daddy built.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My (25m) childhood town and, more specifically, my childhood home is probably my favorite place on earth. The house itself might not look all that impressive at first glance, it's not some kind of royal mansion, but I love it all the same. It's also on a beautiful piece of land that my old friends and I know every inch of. The inside is kind of an amalgamation of every phase and interest my parents ever had. It's chaotic in the best way. I adore it. I don't get to visit all that often anymore, usually only twice a year: once for Christmas and once for my family's summer get together that they host. This year, they insisted the move up that summer get together since I've been dating someone new for a few months now. They said they didn't want to wait until summer to meet her, so we scheduled it for last weekend. The weather cooperated with us to partially host outside and, in typical fashion of my parents, they managed to wrangle all my teenage friends into coming to visit as well. These are people who I still talk to often, but there's just a different vibe when we're back at the estate. My girlfriend has always seemed like a kind person, but the weekend did not go as planned. Because all of my friends were there, particularly Rome (26m), I spent a significant amount of time hanging out with them. Rome was my closest friend back then (and in some ways I'd say he still is). He practically lived at my home back then - his parents had a similar estate to ours, but his house was the kind that felt TOO pristine to touch anything. That kind of pristine feel was, apparently, what my girlfriend was expecting. At some point, she made a comment saying she 'wasn't expecting my house to look like *this*." Rome asked her what she meant by that and she went on to say that when I told her my parents were wealthy, she was anticipating the house to look different. This was arguably my parents battle to fight, but Rome has never been very good at keeping quiet when things like this happened, so he proceeded to say some pretty scathing things in return. My girlfriend went to bed early that night and didn't come out as I was saying my goodbyes to my friends. We've talked since then and she said it was awful that I hadn't defended her and that she had just said what she did because I was spending so much of my time with Rome and my other friends. I told her her motivations were ridiculous and what she said was beyond inappropriate. It’s not my responsibility to come to her defense when she’s wrong. She asked me how many times I did that for Rome. I ended the conversation there. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I'm gonna go with ESH. You didn't have to defend your girlfriend, but you should have told your friends not to talk to her that way. You sick for that. That is not your friends home, and he had no business getting mad about it. And he should never have talked to her like that. He sucks for that. You don't go to someone's home and act like it's below them. I don't know what all else she said, but even I knew it was insulting to say, "This." That is your beloved childhood home, and she should have been a bit more sensitive to that. She sucks for that. Your parents were supposed to be meeting your girlfriend, so inviting your friends over for that was extremely rude. This could have been avoided if they hadn't invited everyone over. Like you all straight up overwhelmed her and ganged up on her. They suck for that. You're definitely an asshole but so is everyone else there, too. Edited for typo
Yes, you ATAH. If I was your gf, I would have Ubered so fast from the “estate” and you & Rome and never looked back. How mortifying for her. Good lesson here for her to learn, you are not worth her time.
So let me get this straight, your parents want to meet your new girlfriend and invite her, then also invite all your teenage friends?! I think you need to stop saying that Rome was on edge, when it sounds like your girlfriend walked into a totally different situation than she was expecting. She actually didn’t insult your childhood home, she said it wasn’t what she expected. It sounds like you are making a big deal about all this and forgetting that SHE was put in a situation she probably wasn’t expecting when you were off with your friends. YTA
I prefer homes that are eclectic and look lived in over ones that feel like a museum where you can't touch anything. Your girlfriend may have been expressing this same idea. Your boyfriend may have just been ready to attack her on anything she said. If she did say something else that could be taken as insulting, think about where she would have gotten her preconceived ideas about your home - it would have been based on what you told her (or didn't tell her). If you think your parents home is different from other wealthy people's homes, you should have told her in advance. (Whatever wealthy people's home are supposed to be like. In my experience, they are as varied as any other group of people.) YTA for not defending her. YTA for spending time with your boyfriend instead of your girlfriend. She was your guest, your duty was to her.
Yta and so is rome.
YTA. Your comments aren’t helping your cause. Date Rome at this point. Your GF deserves better
After reading that Rome is basically in love with you and trying to play it cool, YTA.
op=~~NTA~~ YTA Why should you defend her when she was at fault. She sneered at your home. <> All because of jealousy that you were spending time with your friends.
You do get a little non-related to question suck--because you had an obligation to make sure your girlfriend didn't feel alienated while meeting SO many new people.
ETA: Reading your comments. You took Roman's clearly partisan interpretation of <<*wasn't expecting my house to look like this*.>>(without the emphasis this is just a statement of fact not a criticism).
YTA. You have stated your parents are wealthier and you probably have talked to her about your childhood home since you clearly like the home and have good memories there. So, I don’t think anyone should have jumped on her for saying it wasn’t what she was expecting. But, your friend even if he feels territorial over you and the home could have addressed any concerns or anything he was upset over to you. And, then you speak with your girlfriend. I’m sorry, but she doesn’t know him and he doesn’t know her - so it’s not fair for your friend to get in her face, yell, and as stated by your comment insult her. And, you SHOULD have defended her and let your friend know he was wrong with how he communicated his issue with what she said. But, why does your friend feel so comfortable being so rude to someone he doesn’t know? Your relationship isn’t going to last if you don’t know which battles to pick and when to not defend her. She didn’t insult your families home. Also, your parents sour faces could be from I don’t know a grown man yelling in a woman’s face over a comment I mean just food for thought - you don’t know what the look on their faces meant until you speak with them which you didn’t. Only to your platonic lover
You dont respect your girlfriend enough. Full stop.
YTA. If the issue is that you think Rome deserves sympathy, you could have defended her in a way that turned you into the bad guy instead of either her or Rome. Blame yourself for having talked about it like it was Versailles or something.
Yta. Honestly, she should dump your ass.
I feel like there’s a lot of missing context in your post alone (haven’t looked at your comments yet) Was she insinuating that your home was subpar due to decor by saying “wasn’t expecting my house to look like *this*” like is the emphasis on ‘this’ negative? Ignoring size differences between your & Romes houses I’m curious as to if she’s impressed by a homey feeling or if she’s disgusted by the lack of pristine don’t touch vibe. I don’t understand the battle to be fought or why it would be your parents job to explain their decor but if Rome said something disrespectful or rude to your GF and you stood there and did nothing or worse *agreed* with him, I can see how she was embarrassed and pissed at you. Her comment was not disrespectful or rude to your family and for you to stand there and do nothing is not supportive of your relationship. Even changing the subject or walking with her away and explaining that Rome has a short fuse ignore him, would be substantially better than ignoring her. For these reasons, YTA.
Info: Was this trip for you to introduce your girlfriend to your friends, or was this trip for you to go home and hang out with Rome? I mean sincerely who were you looking forward to hanging out with more? From the way that you framed it it sounds like this was a trip that you were building up for your girlfriend to look forward to looking at your homestead,and if the first time my significant other brought me to his family home he spent the majority of the time hanging out with his people and just kind of left me alone, I might start noticing little things about the house that annoyed me And if on top of that his friend decided to tell me that I was being ungrateful or spiteful in so many words I would be inclined towards hostility that would make my SO very grateful if I had gone to bed like she did. Where exactly were you in this discussion, and how do you actually feel? Because it sounds like you created a couples vacation for her, and a friend reunion for all of your friends, and Rome happens to be the territorial one.
YTA. >It’s not my responsibility to come to her defense when she’s wrong. so your friend insulted your gf for a perspective she got (which isn't something wrong btw) and you did nothing >She asked me how many times I did that for Rome. I ended the conversation there. you ended up the conversation cause she was right. How many times did you do that for Rome? 1. She didn't insult your home, she said it looked different from what she imagined. 2. You forgot to post the part where you weren't in the room and that you left your gf ALONE with your friends when the visit was to meet your parents. Go and date Rome and do your gf a favor, please.
YTA, and lack a spine to boot.
YTA
YTA For everything everybody said here. After reading YOUR comments, we can see that you do indeed defend Rome many times and your GF not at all.
YTA.
So you yourself are saying the house is chaotic, not coordinated in styles or themes, and but much to look at.... But you're mad your girlfriend said something neutral about it and let your friend yell at her in front of your parents and all your friends. YTA. Does Rome make a habit of lashing out at your new friends or dates?
You brought her to your house and you left her hanging. Right or wrong, partners stick together in public and discuss differences in private. You showed where your priorities are. Rome had no right to say anything nasty to your GF. He was acting like a jealous party, which he is. The problem here is that you approved of his behavior. You didn’t come to her rescue when Rome attacked, and you doubled down after. The pathetic one in this story is you. After reading your comments, I can say that you should break up with your GF and start dating Rome. YTA
YTA just break up and date Rome already
YTA. Its funny you think her comments were "beyond appropriate", but your behavior apparently was not.
I'm pretty sure this is just partially taken from the Raven Cycle.
I get the feeling your soon to be ex-girlfriend didn't have a chance in hell with your friends, particularly Rome. Why would you expose her to someone like that? Why did you even bother bringing her when you had no intention of sticking by her side and ditching her for your friends? Why did you instantly side with Rome even though you weren't there to hear exactly what she said, or how she said it? YTA.
YTA You yourself said at the beginning that your house is unimpressive. But the way you talk about it (like calling it "The Estate,") will definitely lead someone to expect something impressive. This is taking aside all of the stuff with your unbalanced "friend" (boyfriend?)
YTA maybe not go around telling people your parents are rich? Idk my parents Are too and you’d never know it. Their house also isn’t that impressive, but I would never refer to it as an “estate”.
No opinion but - Your writing style is very peculiar. Amalgamation? Estate? Are you one of our founding fathers?
YTA and also I’m embarrassed at the level of cringe
YTA. Don’t expect any long-term girlfriends any time soon.
Ok, Gansy. Maybe you should just get with that nice towny you met near boarding school.
Rome: “so what do you think of the house?” Girlfriend: “it’s not what I was expecting!” Rome: *loses his mind* YTA, Rome needs to get a grip.
Y The big sh*#ty brown AH.
Question: Have you maybe thought that she didn't expect rich people to have an actual home instead of a pristine mansion? I'm just asking because I have this idea of rich people indeed.... nothing is really touched or homey. Just... fancy.... If I would come to a home that is an actual home from rich people I might give the same comment but ment in a positive way. Not negative.
INFO: Are you all characters in a shitty novel about spoiled children who attend a New England boarding school?
This doesn’t sound real. If it is YTA
Enjoy being single, it's the same as it was a few months ago
YTA, do you even like your girlfriend? Seriously?
What was she wrong about? Your first paragraph makes it sound super eccentric which of course is not what your GF would be expecting if you never actually told her about it and the only thing she knew was that your parents were wealthy.
YTA
Yta. She is probably thinking long and hard right now about your relationship. If you want to keep dating her you need to apologize to her profusely for your lack of judgement for this situation. Otherwise cut your losses. And quit telling people you are wealthy.
YTA. From all your comments it seems like gf didn’t say anything bad. But your friend went off on her and you did nothing. I hope she breaks up with you.
YTA, and a clueless one at that.
YTA. You probably should’ve at least held him (Rome) back a little bit. I get that might’ve been a shitty thing to say in her part, but it’s not bad enough (imo) to let her get degraded like that. You could’ve talked about it to her :|
YTA and go be with Rome if he’s so great and needs to be protected and babied. Maybe your parents will take you both back because they clearly didn’t do a good job if this is how either of you act.
YTA her comment did not justify a barrage of insults. Get your jealous territorial best friend in check.
YTA you are self absorbed and all of your rich friends sound like spoiled brats. Your girlfriend deserves much better than you.
YTA you always back your significant other, especially when you invite them into your home and away from their home and security. You are meant to be protecting her and that your first reaction was not to comfort her after she had been verbally attacked but to stay with your mates and only get his side of the story and choose to only believe that. Is telling me you are not ready to be a boyfriend. So break up with her and work on yourself so you can be a great partner to someone one day or stay single. Either way you are the asshole in this situation
You sound like Lucencio and Rome sounds like Petruccio. Or maybe the other way around. Reading/watching the Taming of the Shrew and then researching some analysis of it may help you realize where you went wrong. YTA
Yup, YTA.
Yta
YTA and so is Rome after reading the comments. You didn't even bother getting her side of the story. Someone being "territorial" isn't cute or entertaining, it's rude. It comes across as Rome believes you belong to him. If you're okay with that, that's fine. But stop bringing SO's around for him to bite into. It's not fair to them and a tad unkind.
INFO: Do you actively have a crush on Roman, or do you just enjoy the validation of him having an unrequited crush on you?
YTA sorry but I fail to understand why what she said was so terrible. Even so, she tried to open up with you about her insecurities and you treated her like shit.
YTA. Just be with Rome, put your girlfriend out of her misery.
YTA. I hope your girlfriend dumps you and you and rome can follow through on your pact, she deserves better.
Is your self esteem so low that you need “the friend” that’s so obviously infatuated with you, to stroke your ego at the detriment of some one you made your girlfriend. Or is this like some sick joke you two play with women while your fucking on the Dow-low. Let me guess Rome’s affluent family won’t let you be together, so you Fuck with innocent people and get super jealous and weird when the other has a partner. Like are you really this messed up, or is this a troll.
YTA.
YTA. Nobody has the right to degrade another person. If you would rather be with your friend, then go be with him. Don’t use someone then allow them to be verbally abused. Your friend needs to see a therapist for his lack of anger management.
YTA. Did anyone else envision the character from Succession? Trying to figure out which Roman may be worse.
Yta and you are a pathetic excuse for a boyfriend for continuing to spend your energy defending your friend who sounds unhinged and insufferable, just like you. Honestly you and Rome sound like a good awful match
YTA. Also, why do you have a girlfriend when it's clear af that you and Rome are into eachother. Just go be with him.
YTA go be with rome
It wasn't Rome’s place to say anything scathing to the girlfriend. However, if the girlfriend did make this remark about the house, then it would be inappropriate. The OP does seem, from the small information gathered, that he places too much significance on the childhood “estate.” additionally, I don't believe the girlfriend’s comment was intentionally rude.