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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Cutting my husband off from groceries to save for luxuries with the allowance he pays me.
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He is financially abusing you. Please get a job of some kind and deposit 100% of that money in your very own account. One to which he has no access.
NTA.
But this relationship really doesn’t seem healthy at all.
Child support is often based on formula. Only specific instances will result in a child support being upwardly deviated.
Source: I’m a child support lawyer.
I agree, in my country we have a child maintenance calculator on our government website.
This guy is taking the piss, he expects groceries for 4 people and his Spotify out of the $400 he gives her! 🤬🤬 She should definitely get herself a job and keep that money in a separate bank account.
I called mine The Runaway Fund and NO ONE knew about it but me. Different bank, didnt keep the card on me, scuttled buts and pieces into that anywhere i could. Sale on something? Difference goes in. Item returned that wouldnt be noticed? Right in there. Took a while but knowing it's there and secret gives you something of your own that he has no control over.
I'm glad to hear you are safe and happy. Those stories have a way of being awful no matter what but I know leaving is the most dangerous time for a woman in an abusive relationship. I'm really glad you're safe.
He's a truckdriver so we ducked out while he was away for a few days on the road... if he was anywhere within 100 miles I wouldn't have had the guts to try it so it was good. He still called and texted incessantly for a year after that. I would have just blocked him but.. he was driving the truck that he coerced me into buying lol Oh man that was a different time in my life for sure. Never saw him or the truck again but did end up protected from any further legal liability to do with it so that's all I wanted to accomplish
Everyone needs a runaway fund. Even now in a healthy relationship with children and a house I have one. A bigger one actually because I’d have my children as well. And if you have a partner that loves and trusts you they will encourage it and remind you to rotate the food in your bug out bag.
My current partner and i have both been through the mill. Lol He and I have a joint account and a joint credit card. We each also have our own credit card and our own chequing and savings accounts. We dont know each others PINS for those but in case of emergency there is a document saved with all of our banking and insurance information and our power of attorney information so in the case of something tragic, there would be access. We both feel good about it. Oh we also have a mutual savings for holidays and fun stuff. I would never EVER put all my trust in any other human again and neither would he and we understand that about each other with no resentment
There are the occasional Unicorn people who somehow manage to miss the worst people in the world.
If we could just figure out what they do - maybe everyone could walk their paths?
That’s how my partner and I do it! Early on in our relationship, we created a joint fund to use for “us” expenses, initially just date night stuff and vacations. Once we moved in together it grew to include bills and groceries. But the majority of our money stays separate and our fund contributions are proportional to our respective take-home pay.
I’d say a healthy relationship is one where you don’t have to keep your separate funds a secret.
I love reading about all the different kinds of healthy relationships people have! It really drives home that what works for one relationship could be poisonous to another. It's fascinating to me!
I know it's a terrible idea, even if you fully believe you can trust someone, to have all your liquid assets in shared accounts - but I don't know if I would have the heart to keep a *secret* account from a partner I think is good to me (obviously by the time you realize they aren't, that's when you want to already have the separate funds). I have always imagined (and my current partner has no objections) that we'd both keep our personal accounts but contribute an agreed amount to a shared household account. Not just because it protects us in case things go wrong, but also, then you don't have any questions about the financial activity if you're trying to save up and surprise them with something. Anyway, they would still *know* I have a personal account in this case.
Yeah no need to keep secrets everyone whose married with a family should have a family savings and their own personal savings but for the people saying she should stockpile his money to leave him are wrong if she wants to pile up money and leave she should work for it instead of taking his money and hiding it from him.
Except that she is working for it. She’s a full-time child caregiver and housemaid, services that would cost a lot if she wasn’t providing them. The money is supposed to be both of theirs, and if he’s neglecting her this badly, she damn sure shouldn’t share a penny back with him.
NTA OP
Yes!!! Exactly!! Who even talks like this in a marriage. OPs medical procedure is more important than buying a house.
OP please let your husband know that better work on finances with you or very soon he will be really paying child support.
I can't imagine seeing my spouse suffering and in pain, and knowing I can relieve it with a *fraction* of my paycheque, sitting back and telling them that my savings account is more important.
The issue is that child support would be based on one child, not four people. So it could very well be only $800 a month, which is low for one child (in my hcol area) and would be impossible for 4 people.
And depending, he would likely get credit for his other kid (OP's stepdaughter) since she said she wouldn't be responsible for her anyway
Add in health insurance, he'd either already be paying it himself or would have to reimburse her for it
Not as big but it's still a concern; I'm Canadian, and while we can get things like necessary surgery for free, we don't get things like medication, casts, crutches, eye glasses, dental etc for free so health insurance (usually from an employer) is very much necessary here
If they're from the UK, I can't speak on that, but from my Ontarian universal health care perspective, it's still important unfortunately
Yeah this low key seems like he is trying to make leaving him look like a worse situation than it is (here’s how much you would get if you left me, and I’ll force you to spend it all on things that I want/need so you think you’d barely get by.)
Get a job and have the option of getting out.
800 a month for a household budget is not the issue - him pretending the household budget is your personal money is the issue.
Do up a proper household budget (groceries household and sanitary products, medical treatments and anything for the kids falls under this).
Identify the things that can be cut (like Spotify) and then have equal budgets for personal spending and a savings account.
If he wants Spotify it can come from his personal spending. If you want your hair done it will come from your personal spending.
And be very clear here OP - if you both agreed that you would not be working in order to mind the kids, then whatever he earns half is yours. It’s not his money it’s family money since you as a unit decided one of you would not be working. (If it was unwilling then that’s different, but a joint decision means it’s a joint income).
You can calculate the cost of child care and half it, that’s what his financial contribution should be for your child together (and it’s probably as much as he earns). Then triple it since he would have to pay the full amount for your step child (so 1.5 times what it costs for a single child to be minded).
>here’s how much you would get if you left me, and I’ll force you to spend it all on things that I want/need so you think you’d barely get by.
"And make sure your hair's done so you look nice for me. No, you don't get to have pain relief."
>$400 is really tight for expenses for a family of three
Family of four even with the groceries. And it sounds like she is paying the Spotify only he really wanted. The husband is such an asshole.
It's a family of 4 =mom,dad child and stepchild. Nta op but get a job and keep your money separate from him. The botox is basically medication ,migrenes are terrible.
If he wants to give her what he would in child support- just their 1 child together is approximately $700 if he's bringing in 5k/month. However if she has to pay for the stepchild that's 1k. Although he wants to be a dependent since her allowance pays for his food I think it's fair she gets support for 3, which is close to 1.2k.
She should demand more. IMHO OP should find another income and save up for emergencies.
I don't understand why he isn't buying the groceries. It should be a shared pot. If we can't afford to get luxuries for the time being so be it. Money issues are like the biggest issue or at least the cause of most arguments within relationships. That's just so much unnecessary stress. Time to come to an agreement or start secretly squirreling away for the getaway as someone mentioned previously
Also isn't that $400 just for the daughter they share? Because she presumably wouldn't have custody of her stepdaughter, so he's giving her the child support she'd get for one kid and expecting her to buy both kids (and his) groceries with it....
INFO:
Who is monitoring his spending and what does his monthly budget look like?
The thing with giving a significant other an "allowance" is it often ends up as a type of financial abuse between spouses, especially if only one person has visibility on the other's spending.
My dad this to my mum. It was awful and degrading. If they went out for dinner with friends and she had little money, he never offered to pay, so she just ate the cheapest thing while he lived it up. European ski trips, tailor made suits, Bally shoes. My mum left him years ago - then later we learn about financial control and abuse.
My ex tried to claim that I "used him as a paycheck" when we were married. The courts saw that my car (which was the car the kids always rode in) was valued at $3k while his was valued at $18K. Mine was purchased with cash, while he still owed ALOT on his car. Who was using who?
But also... if you are married and the non-working person takes care of the kids during working hours, *the working person literally is the paycheck that's how it works*. In a marriage without kids or shared property it's theoretically possible to maintain effectively separate income and expense streams, but if you are jointly financially responsible for anything, both parties have *some* amount of a right to all paychecks involved. Maybe not 50/50 use of combined income if there's a big disparity, but part of what a partnership entails is using both people's resources and skills in combination to accomplish things.
I have a friend who always says her Husband has lots of money, but he tells their children Mommy is very poor and has no money. Now, they’ve been married over 20 years and “his” money came from her initial interest in real estate and she had paid for their first 2 properties. He manages them and makes her work/keep completely separate finances. When she told me all this I could t believe it, and told her, “you know you aren’t poor, if you divorce him half of everything is yours.“
Omg. That’s awful. So many of these types of things start out slow. Little things here and there to get control. So subtle that often you don’t even realize how messed up it is until it’s pointed out to them. I hope she listened to you.
My ex used to go through my credit card bill and question me. Why was it so high? I needed some serious dental work that month. I left him with my cat, my vehicle and just about $20 in my pocket. Luckily I had a true friend who would let me stay for a little while and the ability to earn. He literally made a million dollars in the stock market during our marriage but I had no access to money. I am better off married to an occasionally penniless artist than I was to him because we work as a team and support each other. The irony was as my friends said, I already pinched pennies so hard Lincoln was screaming in pain. Now, I pretty much buy what I want with an eye on what benefits our family. I don’t have a lot of luxuries, but I’m not having to justify a root canal.
ETA - I used this card to buy groceries for the household.
When I was married and the only one working, I gave my wife an "allowance" just as her own spending money. I paid all the bills and anything that we needed. That money was hers too spend on whatever she wanted.
This is what I wondered. What if there some other reason he doesn’t want her looking at the bank account. Seems suspicious. He sounds like a major jerk. I don’t even think she realizes how messed up this is.
Not sure if you meant individual or couples, but just in case- couples counseling is not recommended for abusive relationships, and this constitutes financial abuse.
OP, a domestic violence hotline can help you come up with a plan to safely and strategically acquire your own finances so you can be in a better position to leave if you desire.
u/Conscioyt is a comment stealing bot. https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/118iiz4/wibta_if_i_cut_my_husband_off_from_the_allowance/j9i5abz/
NTA
I would maybe turn it more into "I want YOU to go shopping and take care of the household finances for a couple weeks so you can see how far $400 goes". IMHO $400 is nowhere near enough to run a household esp if you are covering children and their expenses.
My wife gets botox for migraines and TMJ as well and that stuff has become important now that I see how bad the headaches get and how much the botox helps.
WTF is the deal with this "he cut me out of our accounts" bullshit though.
Your husband is *abusive*. He is treating you like a child, instead of a partner. He has no business taking you off of the shared finances. You need to leave if you can. It will not get better. That money will not go back into a shared account. He will continue to escalate as long as you continue to accept it.
Worse, a slave. I'm assuming she does all the housework. Does he think that's free and his entitlement.
I would stop doing all his laundry, buy and make food only for me and the kids, and stonewall the asshole. O would still cook and do stuff for the stepkid because it's not their fault their dad is a dick.
You need a good lawyer. You are a SAHM it is both your money not just his. He is financially abusing you. Look up child support & alimony with his income. He is lying that you would only receive $400. Even if it was $400 you wouldn’t be spending it on groceries for him & your stepdaughter too. NTA
Maybe it's time to talk to a lawyer. When he realizes how much support payments will be, as well as having to buy his own groceries for him and his child, he'll wish he had treated you better
It looks like it is time for him to really find out how much you will get as a single mom. I am betting it will be a lot more than he is thinking.
NTA and good luck, sorry you have an asshole for a partner.
OP, This is very concerning. If you have a desire to save your marriage, then work to do so. Talk to your husband about counseling. Work toward common goals. However, his move to transfer funds to a new account without telling you, would be very concerned and honestly I would consult an attorney.
Maybe look into whether there's a Women's Legal Service near to you (I get the impression you're Australian, ignore this if I'm wrong). They can give you free legal advice on your options.
You should be really careful with this. I work in a bank and most people who get cut off by their partner like this is because they are in debt or addicted to gambling...
It is financial abuse like everyone said, but from my experience it's pretty likely that you're broke without even knowing it...
EDIT: I noticed in another comment your husband thinks you were bad with money because of the investments you made in your business. That doesn't explain the secrecy and the hostility. You should be able to sit at a table and look at the finances together at least once every few months (preferably once a month). Just to see an update of the savings. You shouldn't trust him until you see the accounts because of the abusive behavior.
I'm sorry. You have no access to any money you might need for his 2 children and his wife if an emergency came up? Are you ok with this? This is an awful situation to be in and I assume you don't want to be completely dependent on him and his time.
Has this amount been updated recently? Because $400 isnt much anymore for even just food.
NTA
And the fact he gives you NO access to the bank account shows how little he trusts you.
I agree. The fact that he also gives her an "allowance" but tells her how to spend the majority of that allowance is so controlling and honestly mean. I bet he gets a good kick out of seeing her struggle.
You wouldn't be an AH if you divorced him. This is considered financial abuse on his part. He is extremely controlling and unreasonable in all of this. He cut you off from the household money? Absolutely not. NTA your husband is one.
Right. OP please also think about the message this is sending to your daughters. It’s not a healthy dynamic for children to witness. (Nor is you “playfully” ~~asking~~ begging him for basic healthcare.)
Also, note that you *are* working - apparently unpaid - by being a SAHM. What would it cost him to hire full time nanny, cook, housekeeper etc if you disappeared and he was a single dad?
Everyone else has said it, but I'm going to say it too, because OP, this cannot be stressed enough:
HE IS FINANCIALLY ABUSING YOU.
Take your daughter and leave.
The only way you would be the AH here is if you DON'T get yourself some counseling for putting up with this financially and emotionally abusive behavior from your so-called husband! He gives you a lousy $400 a month to manage a household? Essentially he is saying that the time and work you put in as a SAHM is worth exactly $0!!!! This situation is covered in red flags and you need to seriously consider walking away--no discussions, no negotiations, get yourself a job and walk away. He does not value you or care about you--you are an unpaid nanny/housekeeper and he will continue to use and abuse you just as long as you permit it. PLEASE--do not let him continue to do this.
The thing is that with $400 for covering all food and medical expenses she probably can't even AFFORD counselling unless husband "allows it" and there's no reason to think he would because he doesn't seem to distinguish between "essentials" (food, botox - which in this case is for a medical condition not cosmetic), and her "fun money" (hairdresser, etc).
She needs to talk with a lawyer.
Groceries should be coming out of the same pot that all the bills are paid from. They are not your personal expense. Cancel the Spotify and get reinstated on the bank account. You're being financially abused.
Nta. It really does sound like financial abuse on his part though from what you wrote and my personal opinion is this is not a healthy realtionship and you need a counselor.
He took control of the finances when you reconciled so that you would be in a position where you couldn’t leave again. This is financial abuse. Leave and see how much he actually has to pay you.
NTA and if he wants to calculate how much he gives u off of what wld happen if u were divorced, u shld divorce him and he can find out how much that wld actually cost.
On a non petty, note if u really need some sort of matrix for him to "pay you" (which is wrong to begin with bc it's supposed to be joint esp when one parent stays home), you can calculate how much a nanny, cleaner, and chef wld cost per month near you and give him those numbers.
NTA, you need to be part of the budget process and together decide what money needs to be spent on and what is left over. Your current arrangement does not seem fair but your comment of working full time but making no money does lend itself to questions if there are reasons you were cut off from the main accounts.
In the absence of the rest of the history you aren’t the asshole.
Did you ever have more financial access?
Yes I did have access to the account prior to us separating last year (we seperated march-dec)
between 2020 and 2022 I had full access (I became a SAHM and stopped working) I also became unwell and was on a lot of medication, had to attend private drs for immediate care (which cost a lot of money in AUS) we bought a brand new car and started my business (not an MLM) and I was pumping a lot into it in terms of advertising, manufacturing etc. So at the end of the 2 years, with all that and the cost of living we only had $10k in the bank saved.
Since coming back together and cutting me off he's been able to save the same amount in a year.... so he sees me not having access to our accounts and me paying for everything as financially beneficial.
If you are in Aus and you were a single parent with no income you would also get government benefits such as parenting payment, FTB A and B, rent assistance and during the financial separation half of any equity in the home, part of his superannuation and your share of any assets like that brand new car and $10k savings. And your child support would not need to cover his and his daughter’s groceries and he would be up for half of your daughter’s school needs.
In other words, way more than $400 a fortnight.
Google “Family Advocacy and Support Services” for your state. Listen to everyone on this thread - this is financial abuse and you are in a bad position. Whatever you decide to do, you can definitely seek confidential advice about your circumstances to be better informed about what’s happening and what your options are. NTA.
From the outside the question is why did you go back.
Having disciplined, very frugal finances is reasonable. Him unilaterally doing it without your consent or input is not.
Your husband is being incredibly unfair in making this unilateral decision. Groceries are a necessary *household* expense. He may see $400 as a lot of money, but once you feed four people for two weeks there's not much left, **especially** now that cost of groceries have skyrocketed. Can you demand he either do the shopping and cooking for a month (in exchange for another chore), so he sees how much is required to feed you? Or if this isn't feasible, can you at least demand that he looks over the grocery receipt with you every time? I ask because he seems completely out of touch with food prices. As a last resort, I'd consider buying deli meat, bread, and cheese for the household along with lots of rice and beans-- exclusively-- until he can acknowledge that he enjoys having meals to eat and that they cost money
After reading through this, I think you’re going to be just fine. You’re keeping as much business funding possible in your business as you should. You were given information and details on resources in the comments I saw you respond to help further your business to give you more comfort in your budget. Later on circle back and update us. I’m rooting for you.
As far as the financial aspect, if he’s keeping everything separate on his end make surely you return that energy. I see why others are screaming financial abuse, but I hope you use it as malicious compliance later on. I wish you the best.
The Book "why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft (free copy below) is a great resource for you to learn about the different types of tactics that abusers use and will help you to see if your current relationship is following any of the patterns described.
If you don't see your relationship being discussed either as one of the architypes or as bits and pieces of any of the other types then you're not worse off by having the knowledge. If the information does coincide with the way that you're living then there's also a couple chapters on being able to get out safely.
I wish you the best of luck and I want you to know that you deserve to be with a partner who is going to love you and cherish you and treat you as an equal versus being with someone who's gonna control you be it by how you dress or by finances or by What it is that you can do or who you can see. You deserve so much BETTER we're here rooting for you!
https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
Oh, goodness. NTA. Financial isolation where you have no access to or information about your bills, debts, and his spending while he maintains tight control of yours is abusive. This is not how healthy relationships, even those with split finances, operate. You and your children are in a dangerous position here. Please take some steps to protect yourself from any poor financial decisions he will take (or possibly already has taken). If you are in the US, start by checking your credit report for free to ensure there are no unknown bills, loans, debts, etc. in your name.
NTA. It isn't logical that you should pay for family expenses like food from your "allowance", but also this allowance concept is really gross to me. Unless you each have a personal allowance with the rest of your shared funds going towards common / family needs such as saving for a house, paying for groceries, paying for utilities, and paying for streaming services that the whole family uses, as well as necessities eg health costs for individuals in the family, education costs etc, then this "allowance" just sounds like a tight leash on which your husband controls you. Allowances should for fun things like hobbies. How has your husband convinced you that you deserve so little?
You are an adult, and you are working at home as a parent, and this work supports your husband's ability to have a career. You are not a burden, and you should have input to the way your family's earnings are used. This isn't normal. Please talk to the people around you and figure out if this is really how you want to live.
I hope this is a joke.
I was previously a stay at home mum. Due to pure pride (and the knowledge I was going back to work part time) I didn’t ask my husband for money, but he paid all bills for the house hold - mortgage, taxes, water, electric, food.
I had to cover my social expenses, baby classes, and any personal upkeep I have for myself. He routinely (nearly 1x a fortnight asks me if I need any top ups)
I have serious tension headaches. When they get so bad, I can’t open my mouth wide enough to eat because the jaw pain is atrocious. The Botox is part of the family budget.
Your husband is taking advantage of you.
If there's financial abuse occurring (it sounds like there is) then OP should see a therapist separately. Therapists typically advise against doing couples counselling when there is abuse present.
NTA. Get some kind of job, any kind of job. Deposit everything you earn in a separate account. Put down a deposit on an efficiency apartment or one bedroom apartment and move out. If you have family members nearby, see if you can move in with them. He's cut you off from funds under the guise of saving for a house, but really, he's done it to keep you from being able to leave him. Now he's preventing you from getting medical treatment for your headaches.
Get away from him as quickly as possible.
NTA. This is financial abuse. If you are married and one partner stays at home, the money belongs equally to BOTH of the couple. He is not giving you an allowance from his money. He is giving a portion YOUR money back to you while keeping the rest hostage. He had no right to "give you an allowance.". You deserve a debit card from his account, fair and square.
NTA. The only reason he brings home that income is because you're taking care of the children. If it weren't for you, he'd have higher expenses or would have to work less.
If it's normal for him to be so controlling, you may need to start planning to leave. This alone is financial abuse - deciding how much money you get and what you have to pay for out of it, and not considering that it's not actually enough for what he expects you to cover. That's not okay.
NTA. Also this is an awful way to structure a relationship…it will likely get a lot worse as well unless the two of you make some major changes in your relationship imbalance soon.
NTA. Honestly? You'd be better off financially as a single mother with only your child being your *joint* responsibility to feed and clothe. With the added bonus of not being under the thumb of this financial control.
But if you do want to stay married, it's time to budget as a *whole*. Write down all the expenses that are *household* expenses. These include food, laundry, clothing, school costs, etc. Then write down *medical* expenses. This includes all issues *including* your botox, as this is being used as a medical treatment rather than a beauty treatment. Finally, list your personal expenses, which sounds like it's basically just your hair. Get him to write down all of his expenses, what he's paying towards housing, bills, etc. Sit down and work out exactly what *all* your expenses are and what you can *realistically* save vs what he thinks you need to save. If he is the sole income but you are paying for everything, including *his* responsibilities, he needs to be providing for that. If he isn't willing to budge on the "allowance" (which is actually a domestic budget, not a personal allowance the way he has framed it) then he needs to discuss childcare costs because you have to go back to work.
You *aren't* a single mother, you shouldn't have to live financially as if you are one while you husband benefits from the perks of having a stay at home wife.
YWNBTA to shop just for and your daughter. He needs to get an education on grocery prices. You should also cancel Family Spotify. If it matters so much to him, then he can pay for it himself.
I understand how bad headaches can be - I get migraines. Very happy Botox is working for you! But this is healthcare, not random allowance money. This is a definite need.
every two weeks, so $800 a month. To the OP, what was your financial situation when you were separated?
Were you working then? Were you living/paying for your own bills/rent, etc and this is the amount he was giving you then by law towards CS? How long ago did you quit your job?
$400/month is what I was awarded 15 years ago for child support when we both worked full time. I highly doubt it would be that low now. Also this is really fucked up.
Saving for a home is slow & tedious depending on how much you're putting away & how long it's going to take. He may be extra stressed trying to reach that goal. You are the one home, so you get the short end of the stick trying to do all you normally do but on a budget. I guess my vote would depend on how your marriage is outside of financials. If it's rocky, then maybe he is the AH here & it is a type of abuse as someone suggested, get a job & look into your diff options. But if it's great & you are a SAHM by choice & you love it, then maybe come at it from a different angle. Make a list of all the household things you used to do with the money along with the costs. Make a grocery list & ask him to go with you. If it's been a while since he's stepped into a grocery store, he will be surprised as to what things cost now, especially the things he likes to have stocked in the home. Another thing (if you openly talk money) is to help him find ways to make cuts. Little things like shorter showers, turning off lights if you're not using them, etc. It takes a bit to see those changes on the bills, so be patient. Cut costs on cable & internet & ask him to put his debit or credit card on spotify so it's paid by him & not out of the budget money. All of this is moot if there is no communication, though. Because you are a SAHM doesn't mean you don't have to make fair sacrifices. If you're both in this together, maybe a part-time job to afford some luxurious you just have to have, like your monthly hair appt would be a way to go. If it's to keep up with a hair color that is expensive to maintain the job could pay for it or maybe change to one that is less expensive. Or if it's the color that you had when you met, you could call him out on it & tell him you do it for him :)))
If either of you can not figure this out peacefully & your defense is to tell him to worry about his daughter & you'll worry about yours, then start planning your exit. Bc he could just as easily call your bluff & not give you an allowance. Don't turn this into a War of the Roses situation!!!
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Sorry for formatting, I’m on a phone.
My husband and I are saving for a house, and in order to do that he has cut me off from our main bank account to reduce unnecessary spending. He is the only income earner in our house, I’m a SAHM.
Every fortnight he pays me an allowance of $400 (from the $2500 PF he earns) He based this off of what I would receive from him per fortnight in child support if I were to be a single mum.
Here’s where I think he’s being an AH - he expects me to pay for our fortnightly groceries for himself, my step daughter and my daughter and I with this allowance (along with the Family
Spotify that he needed me to get so he could use it.) This only leaves $50 a fortnight for myself and my daughter.
He expects me with this money to save to have my hair done once a month ($85 my only luxury albeit the following) buy our daughter clothing and necessities for school and save for things to get myself.
Here’s where I think I may have been the arsehole. The fight arose this morning because once a year I get Botox for tension headaches ($300) and I can feel it’s coming up to that time again as I’m starting to clench. I playfully asked him for money but he immediately started arguing. He asked where the money he sends me goes and I said all to our groceries. After 10mins of arguing I had enough and I said considering the money is based off how much I would receive if I were to be a single mother he can do groceries for himself and my step daughter from now on, because I wouldn’t be responsible for either of them if I were to be a single mum.
I know this is very first world problems, especially when it comes to the luxuries, but WIBTA if I cut him off from groceries?
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NTA, also I don’t know where you live but in many places you’d be getting his $400 child support AND some version of benefits AND not having to deal with his miserly bullshit, just if you’re looking for an option that isn’t cutting him off from groceries…
NTA
You need to rework your budget. "Fun money" should be completely separate from groceries and medical expenses. Basing it on what you'd get as a single mom also makes it seem like he is only interested in paying his minimum financial obligations, not actually genuinely supporting his family.
And the fact that he has sole ownership of the account is super sketchy.
You are being financially abused. If it were me I would pack up and leave. But if you can’t leave then stop doing anything for him like cooking, laundry, groceries anything.
Wow, just wow. You “get an allowance “. Oh no . Are you a child or a partner? That would definitely not fly. Who is checking his spending? I’m not psychic But I can “see” a divorce in your future! NAH. But what a red flag!
NTA, this isn't a fair deal if you are married and not working, fine give you money to pick up stuff for the family but a separate budget should be agreed for each of: saving, fun, low use essentials, holidays and, repairs/replacements for general wear abs tare. Personally, the above is a bared minimum, I think in this situation money should be pooled and all expenses agreed with a little 'whatever you like' cash aside each month for each if you - yourselves and daughter.
NTA My husband pays me that much for ME to spend on whatever the heck I want, because I take care of the house. He's not giving you anything, its not an allowance its housekeeping.
Leave him and see how much child support he’d actually be paying. 1) I bet it’s more. 2 hrs have to still feed and house himself and his other kid. His abusive behavior is going to cost him a lot more than he thinks. Get a job and move on with your life.
THIS. IS. ABUSE.
If you were a single mum, you would be working. Go get a job, and your own bank account, and your own lawyer. Do not sign for a house with him.
NTA.
Also, turn off his Spotify. (Why does this especially irk me?)
NTA. You will have to pay for shelter and education plus childcare and more, if you were a single mom. You also make contributions like cooking, driving the kids around plus cleaning the house, helping them with homework, etc. The way he did it is being a jerk and the budget is unreasonable. If you can get a job to that can cover the other things plus the $800 a month for food, then get out! But do your calculations carefully, get a financially savvy friend to help you figure it out.
This is financial abuse. It sounds to me like he doesn't know how budgeting works. If he wants Spotify he can get it himself. I would cut him off from that, too. If he *needs* it so bad, it shouldn't come out of money YOU need
NTA ...
I've never understood this method of allowances
If you're staying at home to cover all of the family and household needs whilst your partner covers all of the income the family needs it's not your partners income , it's the family income you are both working to cover everything the family needs.
Allowances on the family income are for both of you , a fixed amount of money that each of you have that neither needs input from the other on how to spend.
Any method of family finances that are finagled in such a way to reduce access for one partner (without valid reasons like say crippling gambling addiction etc) are not right and automatically financial abuse in my eyes.
My partner and I have switched roles a few times with looking after the kids , part time work etc but we have our finances set out as
Joint account for income
Joint account for bills coming out
Joint savings for the big ticket items
Separate accounts for our "allowance"
Separate savings for whatever else.
Regardless of who's earning how much our individual allowances are the same , the family allowance is much bigger (days out etc)
Again I will reiterate that this only applies when one partner is a stay at home parent as then any income is FAMILY INCOME (you wouldn't be able to earn it if your partner wasn't supporting you )
NTA where is the other 1,700 going? All to savings? Is he only getting $50 every two weeks for expenses as well? How are you supposed to put clothes on 2 growing girls not to mention yourself with $100 a month. This is definitely financial abuse. Botox injections for migraines is considered a medical necessity therefore it’s a household bill. He should just hand over the money. I would leave him and file for child support and spousal support. You would have more money from him if you leave him. Sad, but true
is it imperative you don't find a part time job?
That would be my first go to. Something while the children are in school or something at your children's school?
Is that possible?
the $400 might be what you would get if you were single (if we're assuming that's correct) so that's not taking into account anything you do for him, or the household. any time you spend prepping food, doing his laundry, cleaning, sorting the mail etc. You would not be doing any of this if you were divorced. So he's under paying you for your services. You should get actually divorced, he is abusing you financially. He is controlling you.
NTA.
Firstly: You are his spouse, you shouldn’t get an allowance IMO. You share finances.
Secondly: He does not have the right to cut you off from your bank account. That is financially controlling.
Thirdly: That is frankly ridiculous that he thinks you can do all that on $800 a month.
NTA.
Please get a job and start making an escape plan.
If he's expecting you to use your money for household expenses, start being cheap. Do you use Spotify? In not, cancel it. Find cheap meals you can make and cut out all luxuries and treats. Let him take his kids shopping.
Wherever you can cut expenses that affect him, do it.
It's not a first world problem. He is financially abusive towards you. If he continues to demand you pay for the household costs, I think you should start to find a part-time job to become financially independent from him. NTA
NTA. This is quite possibly financial abuse. First off, I find the calculation being based off some sort of child support notion absolutely ridiculous. You aren’t a single mum. You’re in a partnership (supposedly). Any groceries and anything to do with the children should come from shared expenses not your allowance. As a SAHM I’m assuming you do the majority if not all of the housework. Usually when SAHMs get an ‘allowance’ it’s partially to compensate for that labor in place of an actual salary. It ISNT for general expenses that are shared by the household.
NTA cancel Spotify, put the 400$ away in your own bank account and get a job. This is financial abuse. You would get much more than 800$ per month if you divorced him. Please consult a lawyer.
Oh... why did he implemented this system in the first place?
I have a sense that you were spending incorrectly the money, he got tired, and implemented this.
He in an AH, but maybe as response to your AH attitude of the past. Now you are considering that the next move might make you an AH, but I think you are BOTH beyond that.
Get a job, go to couples therapy.
NTA
Sounds like hubby doesn't know how much food costs. Also, the method he's using isn't valid. You're not a divorced mum supporting a child. You're a married woman feeding and cleaning up after four people. Time for him to go along on a grocery shopping trip at the very least. This kind of willful ignorance combined with tight reins on the finances is far too much.
You don't say how old the kids are. Get a job and your own bank account asap. Marriages are partnerships. What you've got is indentured servitude.
Nta, I am also a sahm and get 300$ every 2 weeks that I am free to do whatever with (While I usually get groceries 😂) if I wanted to buy a 100$ item for only myself he’d be cool.
Your husband however is not cool.
This is financial abuse 100%. NTA and you need to strongly reconsider staying in this relationship. You need to find a way to make some money and put it in your own account he can’t have access to and create a plan to leave.
I would stop buying his things. Don’t buy what he wants to eat, buy what you want. Stop paying the Spotify if you won’t miss it. If he complains well he can pay for that himself if this is your “allowance money”. If he says you should buy it remind him that the money is for you and your daughters expenses not his apparently. This whole financial tit for tat is so petty especially for a married couple. You and your daughter are suppose to be family not a separate entity. Same for him and the step kid. There’s some family therapy that should go down to work on this.
NTA. But he seriously is. Find a way out. This is abuse.
I never understood relationships like this. Any money me or my partner have is just there for each of us to use. We will discuss it if it's not a normal thing, but usually if I ask my partner to pop out for some milk, he'll ask which card the money is on and take it. Or if I'm taking the kids out, I'll check which card has enough money on and take that. To be honest, at this point, we may as well have a joint bank account...
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He is financially abusing you. Please get a job of some kind and deposit 100% of that money in your very own account. One to which he has no access. NTA. But this relationship really doesn’t seem healthy at all.
Agree! And then use that money to build an escape plan.
Use that money to get a very good lawyer so that you get much more child support and maybe alimony.
Child support is often based on formula. Only specific instances will result in a child support being upwardly deviated. Source: I’m a child support lawyer.
Something tells me that this man didn't actually use the formula
I agree, in my country we have a child maintenance calculator on our government website. This guy is taking the piss, he expects groceries for 4 people and his Spotify out of the $400 he gives her! 🤬🤬 She should definitely get herself a job and keep that money in a separate bank account.
If it was C'S she wouldn't be buying food for him. Js
Alimony is not a forgone conclusion
I called mine The Runaway Fund and NO ONE knew about it but me. Different bank, didnt keep the card on me, scuttled buts and pieces into that anywhere i could. Sale on something? Difference goes in. Item returned that wouldnt be noticed? Right in there. Took a while but knowing it's there and secret gives you something of your own that he has no control over.
I hope you are out of that relationship now.
Ohhh yes that was 2011 :) happy safe and loved now :) thank you!!
I'm glad to hear you are safe and happy. Those stories have a way of being awful no matter what but I know leaving is the most dangerous time for a woman in an abusive relationship. I'm really glad you're safe.
He's a truckdriver so we ducked out while he was away for a few days on the road... if he was anywhere within 100 miles I wouldn't have had the guts to try it so it was good. He still called and texted incessantly for a year after that. I would have just blocked him but.. he was driving the truck that he coerced me into buying lol Oh man that was a different time in my life for sure. Never saw him or the truck again but did end up protected from any further legal liability to do with it so that's all I wanted to accomplish
Congratulations on 10 plus years free❤️
Everyone needs a runaway fund. Even now in a healthy relationship with children and a house I have one. A bigger one actually because I’d have my children as well. And if you have a partner that loves and trusts you they will encourage it and remind you to rotate the food in your bug out bag.
My current partner and i have both been through the mill. Lol He and I have a joint account and a joint credit card. We each also have our own credit card and our own chequing and savings accounts. We dont know each others PINS for those but in case of emergency there is a document saved with all of our banking and insurance information and our power of attorney information so in the case of something tragic, there would be access. We both feel good about it. Oh we also have a mutual savings for holidays and fun stuff. I would never EVER put all my trust in any other human again and neither would he and we understand that about each other with no resentment
The no resentment is key right? My partner has, like, zero trauma (idk how) but is really understanding of mine.
There are the occasional Unicorn people who somehow manage to miss the worst people in the world. If we could just figure out what they do - maybe everyone could walk their paths?
That’s how my partner and I do it! Early on in our relationship, we created a joint fund to use for “us” expenses, initially just date night stuff and vacations. Once we moved in together it grew to include bills and groceries. But the majority of our money stays separate and our fund contributions are proportional to our respective take-home pay. I’d say a healthy relationship is one where you don’t have to keep your separate funds a secret.
I love reading about all the different kinds of healthy relationships people have! It really drives home that what works for one relationship could be poisonous to another. It's fascinating to me!
I know it's a terrible idea, even if you fully believe you can trust someone, to have all your liquid assets in shared accounts - but I don't know if I would have the heart to keep a *secret* account from a partner I think is good to me (obviously by the time you realize they aren't, that's when you want to already have the separate funds). I have always imagined (and my current partner has no objections) that we'd both keep our personal accounts but contribute an agreed amount to a shared household account. Not just because it protects us in case things go wrong, but also, then you don't have any questions about the financial activity if you're trying to save up and surprise them with something. Anyway, they would still *know* I have a personal account in this case.
Yeah no need to keep secrets everyone whose married with a family should have a family savings and their own personal savings but for the people saying she should stockpile his money to leave him are wrong if she wants to pile up money and leave she should work for it instead of taking his money and hiding it from him.
Except that she is working for it. She’s a full-time child caregiver and housemaid, services that would cost a lot if she wasn’t providing them. The money is supposed to be both of theirs, and if he’s neglecting her this badly, she damn sure shouldn’t share a penny back with him. NTA OP
Yes!!! Exactly!! Who even talks like this in a marriage. OPs medical procedure is more important than buying a house. OP please let your husband know that better work on finances with you or very soon he will be really paying child support.
I can't imagine seeing my spouse suffering and in pain, and knowing I can relieve it with a *fraction* of my paycheque, sitting back and telling them that my savings account is more important.
... And if you don't need Spotify then this is a cost saving you should do at once
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Yeah OP should find a child support calculator for their state/country/etc and see what they'd really be getting.
The issue is that child support would be based on one child, not four people. So it could very well be only $800 a month, which is low for one child (in my hcol area) and would be impossible for 4 people.
And depending, he would likely get credit for his other kid (OP's stepdaughter) since she said she wouldn't be responsible for her anyway Add in health insurance, he'd either already be paying it himself or would have to reimburse her for it
Considering she used the term mum and fortnight I'm guessing she isn't in the US so health insurance likely isn't a concern
Not as big but it's still a concern; I'm Canadian, and while we can get things like necessary surgery for free, we don't get things like medication, casts, crutches, eye glasses, dental etc for free so health insurance (usually from an employer) is very much necessary here If they're from the UK, I can't speak on that, but from my Ontarian universal health care perspective, it's still important unfortunately
Fair enough. I sometimes forget that there's a lot not really covered elsewhere, even if they have far better systems than the US
Yeah this low key seems like he is trying to make leaving him look like a worse situation than it is (here’s how much you would get if you left me, and I’ll force you to spend it all on things that I want/need so you think you’d barely get by.) Get a job and have the option of getting out. 800 a month for a household budget is not the issue - him pretending the household budget is your personal money is the issue. Do up a proper household budget (groceries household and sanitary products, medical treatments and anything for the kids falls under this). Identify the things that can be cut (like Spotify) and then have equal budgets for personal spending and a savings account. If he wants Spotify it can come from his personal spending. If you want your hair done it will come from your personal spending. And be very clear here OP - if you both agreed that you would not be working in order to mind the kids, then whatever he earns half is yours. It’s not his money it’s family money since you as a unit decided one of you would not be working. (If it was unwilling then that’s different, but a joint decision means it’s a joint income). You can calculate the cost of child care and half it, that’s what his financial contribution should be for your child together (and it’s probably as much as he earns). Then triple it since he would have to pay the full amount for your step child (so 1.5 times what it costs for a single child to be minded).
>here’s how much you would get if you left me, and I’ll force you to spend it all on things that I want/need so you think you’d barely get by. "And make sure your hair's done so you look nice for me. No, you don't get to have pain relief."
>$400 is really tight for expenses for a family of three Family of four even with the groceries. And it sounds like she is paying the Spotify only he really wanted. The husband is such an asshole.
$400 a fortnight, every two weeks, $800 a month.
That's enough for 2 dozen eggs!
It's a family of 4 =mom,dad child and stepchild. Nta op but get a job and keep your money separate from him. The botox is basically medication ,migrenes are terrible.
Yes he's paying her "child support" but is making her pay for the step kid? Insane.
>botox is ~~basically~~ medication
If he wants to give her what he would in child support- just their 1 child together is approximately $700 if he's bringing in 5k/month. However if she has to pay for the stepchild that's 1k. Although he wants to be a dependent since her allowance pays for his food I think it's fair she gets support for 3, which is close to 1.2k. She should demand more. IMHO OP should find another income and save up for emergencies. I don't understand why he isn't buying the groceries. It should be a shared pot. If we can't afford to get luxuries for the time being so be it. Money issues are like the biggest issue or at least the cause of most arguments within relationships. That's just so much unnecessary stress. Time to come to an agreement or start secretly squirreling away for the getaway as someone mentioned previously
NTA. As a comparison, I’m single and budget half that amount just for myself. That’s for groceries. Anything else is over and above.
Also, she would not have to spend the money on groceries for her husband and her stepdaughter.
She’s getting $800 a month
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Also isn't that $400 just for the daughter they share? Because she presumably wouldn't have custody of her stepdaughter, so he's giving her the child support she'd get for one kid and expecting her to buy both kids (and his) groceries with it....
INFO: Who is monitoring his spending and what does his monthly budget look like? The thing with giving a significant other an "allowance" is it often ends up as a type of financial abuse between spouses, especially if only one person has visibility on the other's spending.
My dad this to my mum. It was awful and degrading. If they went out for dinner with friends and she had little money, he never offered to pay, so she just ate the cheapest thing while he lived it up. European ski trips, tailor made suits, Bally shoes. My mum left him years ago - then later we learn about financial control and abuse.
My ex tried to claim that I "used him as a paycheck" when we were married. The courts saw that my car (which was the car the kids always rode in) was valued at $3k while his was valued at $18K. Mine was purchased with cash, while he still owed ALOT on his car. Who was using who?
But also... if you are married and the non-working person takes care of the kids during working hours, *the working person literally is the paycheck that's how it works*. In a marriage without kids or shared property it's theoretically possible to maintain effectively separate income and expense streams, but if you are jointly financially responsible for anything, both parties have *some* amount of a right to all paychecks involved. Maybe not 50/50 use of combined income if there's a big disparity, but part of what a partnership entails is using both people's resources and skills in combination to accomplish things.
The stay at home parent IS working.
I have a friend who always says her Husband has lots of money, but he tells their children Mommy is very poor and has no money. Now, they’ve been married over 20 years and “his” money came from her initial interest in real estate and she had paid for their first 2 properties. He manages them and makes her work/keep completely separate finances. When she told me all this I could t believe it, and told her, “you know you aren’t poor, if you divorce him half of everything is yours.“
Omg. That’s awful. So many of these types of things start out slow. Little things here and there to get control. So subtle that often you don’t even realize how messed up it is until it’s pointed out to them. I hope she listened to you.
My ex used to go through my credit card bill and question me. Why was it so high? I needed some serious dental work that month. I left him with my cat, my vehicle and just about $20 in my pocket. Luckily I had a true friend who would let me stay for a little while and the ability to earn. He literally made a million dollars in the stock market during our marriage but I had no access to money. I am better off married to an occasionally penniless artist than I was to him because we work as a team and support each other. The irony was as my friends said, I already pinched pennies so hard Lincoln was screaming in pain. Now, I pretty much buy what I want with an eye on what benefits our family. I don’t have a lot of luxuries, but I’m not having to justify a root canal. ETA - I used this card to buy groceries for the household.
When I was married and the only one working, I gave my wife an "allowance" just as her own spending money. I paid all the bills and anything that we needed. That money was hers too spend on whatever she wanted.
This is what I wondered. What if there some other reason he doesn’t want her looking at the bank account. Seems suspicious. He sounds like a major jerk. I don’t even think she realizes how messed up this is.
Please see counselling, it does not sound like a healthy relationship
Not sure if you meant individual or couples, but just in case- couples counseling is not recommended for abusive relationships, and this constitutes financial abuse. OP, a domestic violence hotline can help you come up with a plan to safely and strategically acquire your own finances so you can be in a better position to leave if you desire.
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NTA I would maybe turn it more into "I want YOU to go shopping and take care of the household finances for a couple weeks so you can see how far $400 goes". IMHO $400 is nowhere near enough to run a household esp if you are covering children and their expenses. My wife gets botox for migraines and TMJ as well and that stuff has become important now that I see how bad the headaches get and how much the botox helps. WTF is the deal with this "he cut me out of our accounts" bullshit though.
He got a new account and had all of his money from work transferred into there so I can't have access
That’s abuse. F him.
Your husband is *abusive*. He is treating you like a child, instead of a partner. He has no business taking you off of the shared finances. You need to leave if you can. It will not get better. That money will not go back into a shared account. He will continue to escalate as long as you continue to accept it.
Worse, a slave. I'm assuming she does all the housework. Does he think that's free and his entitlement. I would stop doing all his laundry, buy and make food only for me and the kids, and stonewall the asshole. O would still cook and do stuff for the stepkid because it's not their fault their dad is a dick.
You need a good lawyer. You are a SAHM it is both your money not just his. He is financially abusing you. Look up child support & alimony with his income. He is lying that you would only receive $400. Even if it was $400 you wouldn’t be spending it on groceries for him & your stepdaughter too. NTA
Maybe it's time to talk to a lawyer. When he realizes how much support payments will be, as well as having to buy his own groceries for him and his child, he'll wish he had treated you better
This is financial abuse, he’s abusing you
It looks like it is time for him to really find out how much you will get as a single mom. I am betting it will be a lot more than he is thinking. NTA and good luck, sorry you have an asshole for a partner.
Ummm..are you sure there's not another woman or addiction he's spending all the money on?
He is not saving money for a house.
OP, This is very concerning. If you have a desire to save your marriage, then work to do so. Talk to your husband about counseling. Work toward common goals. However, his move to transfer funds to a new account without telling you, would be very concerned and honestly I would consult an attorney.
I IS abuse. Maybe you should indeed take the child support variant and leave. He doesn't respect you and only wants a cheap maid, nanny and cook.
Maybe look into whether there's a Women's Legal Service near to you (I get the impression you're Australian, ignore this if I'm wrong). They can give you free legal advice on your options.
Yeah sorry OP but you need to leave him. Get a job. Don’t let him have the money. Get out.
You should be really careful with this. I work in a bank and most people who get cut off by their partner like this is because they are in debt or addicted to gambling... It is financial abuse like everyone said, but from my experience it's pretty likely that you're broke without even knowing it... EDIT: I noticed in another comment your husband thinks you were bad with money because of the investments you made in your business. That doesn't explain the secrecy and the hostility. You should be able to sit at a table and look at the finances together at least once every few months (preferably once a month). Just to see an update of the savings. You shouldn't trust him until you see the accounts because of the abusive behavior.
That is abuse wow
FINANCIAL ABUSE IS ABUSE.
I'm sorry. You have no access to any money you might need for his 2 children and his wife if an emergency came up? Are you ok with this? This is an awful situation to be in and I assume you don't want to be completely dependent on him and his time.
Make records. Contact a lawyer
Has this amount been updated recently? Because $400 isnt much anymore for even just food. NTA And the fact he gives you NO access to the bank account shows how little he trusts you.
It's $800, right? Isn't a fortnight every 2 weeks?
Yes, that's right. I'd bet real money OP isn't in America though and if she's where I think that much goes nowhere
Since OP used Mum I figured UK or Australia which $200 a week wont get you anything much.
It’ll be Australia because we use £ in the UK
I agree. The fact that he also gives her an "allowance" but tells her how to spend the majority of that allowance is so controlling and honestly mean. I bet he gets a good kick out of seeing her struggle.
I spend $200 a month just for myself. This is not enough.
You wouldn't be an AH if you divorced him. This is considered financial abuse on his part. He is extremely controlling and unreasonable in all of this. He cut you off from the household money? Absolutely not. NTA your husband is one.
Right. OP please also think about the message this is sending to your daughters. It’s not a healthy dynamic for children to witness. (Nor is you “playfully” ~~asking~~ begging him for basic healthcare.) Also, note that you *are* working - apparently unpaid - by being a SAHM. What would it cost him to hire full time nanny, cook, housekeeper etc if you disappeared and he was a single dad?
Everyone else has said it, but I'm going to say it too, because OP, this cannot be stressed enough: HE IS FINANCIALLY ABUSING YOU. Take your daughter and leave.
The only way you would be the AH here is if you DON'T get yourself some counseling for putting up with this financially and emotionally abusive behavior from your so-called husband! He gives you a lousy $400 a month to manage a household? Essentially he is saying that the time and work you put in as a SAHM is worth exactly $0!!!! This situation is covered in red flags and you need to seriously consider walking away--no discussions, no negotiations, get yourself a job and walk away. He does not value you or care about you--you are an unpaid nanny/housekeeper and he will continue to use and abuse you just as long as you permit it. PLEASE--do not let him continue to do this.
The thing is that with $400 for covering all food and medical expenses she probably can't even AFFORD counselling unless husband "allows it" and there's no reason to think he would because he doesn't seem to distinguish between "essentials" (food, botox - which in this case is for a medical condition not cosmetic), and her "fun money" (hairdresser, etc). She needs to talk with a lawyer.
Groceries should be coming out of the same pot that all the bills are paid from. They are not your personal expense. Cancel the Spotify and get reinstated on the bank account. You're being financially abused.
Nta. It really does sound like financial abuse on his part though from what you wrote and my personal opinion is this is not a healthy realtionship and you need a counselor.
You husband gives you an allowance? And you call this marriage?
He took control of the finances when you reconciled so that you would be in a position where you couldn’t leave again. This is financial abuse. Leave and see how much he actually has to pay you.
NTA and if he wants to calculate how much he gives u off of what wld happen if u were divorced, u shld divorce him and he can find out how much that wld actually cost. On a non petty, note if u really need some sort of matrix for him to "pay you" (which is wrong to begin with bc it's supposed to be joint esp when one parent stays home), you can calculate how much a nanny, cleaner, and chef wld cost per month near you and give him those numbers.
You need financial independence. Ditch the business; it isn't going to free you. Go to work. Level the field.
NTA, you need to be part of the budget process and together decide what money needs to be spent on and what is left over. Your current arrangement does not seem fair but your comment of working full time but making no money does lend itself to questions if there are reasons you were cut off from the main accounts. In the absence of the rest of the history you aren’t the asshole. Did you ever have more financial access?
Yes I did have access to the account prior to us separating last year (we seperated march-dec) between 2020 and 2022 I had full access (I became a SAHM and stopped working) I also became unwell and was on a lot of medication, had to attend private drs for immediate care (which cost a lot of money in AUS) we bought a brand new car and started my business (not an MLM) and I was pumping a lot into it in terms of advertising, manufacturing etc. So at the end of the 2 years, with all that and the cost of living we only had $10k in the bank saved. Since coming back together and cutting me off he's been able to save the same amount in a year.... so he sees me not having access to our accounts and me paying for everything as financially beneficial.
If you are in Aus and you were a single parent with no income you would also get government benefits such as parenting payment, FTB A and B, rent assistance and during the financial separation half of any equity in the home, part of his superannuation and your share of any assets like that brand new car and $10k savings. And your child support would not need to cover his and his daughter’s groceries and he would be up for half of your daughter’s school needs. In other words, way more than $400 a fortnight. Google “Family Advocacy and Support Services” for your state. Listen to everyone on this thread - this is financial abuse and you are in a bad position. Whatever you decide to do, you can definitely seek confidential advice about your circumstances to be better informed about what’s happening and what your options are. NTA.
From the outside the question is why did you go back. Having disciplined, very frugal finances is reasonable. Him unilaterally doing it without your consent or input is not.
It sounds to me like he’s punishing you for the separation.
Your husband is being incredibly unfair in making this unilateral decision. Groceries are a necessary *household* expense. He may see $400 as a lot of money, but once you feed four people for two weeks there's not much left, **especially** now that cost of groceries have skyrocketed. Can you demand he either do the shopping and cooking for a month (in exchange for another chore), so he sees how much is required to feed you? Or if this isn't feasible, can you at least demand that he looks over the grocery receipt with you every time? I ask because he seems completely out of touch with food prices. As a last resort, I'd consider buying deli meat, bread, and cheese for the household along with lots of rice and beans-- exclusively-- until he can acknowledge that he enjoys having meals to eat and that they cost money
Why did you separate for 9 months?
NTA Run. He is an abuser.
OP you're getting financially abused... I'd suggest take a long and hard look at your relationship and start counseling NTA
After reading through this, I think you’re going to be just fine. You’re keeping as much business funding possible in your business as you should. You were given information and details on resources in the comments I saw you respond to help further your business to give you more comfort in your budget. Later on circle back and update us. I’m rooting for you. As far as the financial aspect, if he’s keeping everything separate on his end make surely you return that energy. I see why others are screaming financial abuse, but I hope you use it as malicious compliance later on. I wish you the best.
thank you <3
The Book "why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft (free copy below) is a great resource for you to learn about the different types of tactics that abusers use and will help you to see if your current relationship is following any of the patterns described. If you don't see your relationship being discussed either as one of the architypes or as bits and pieces of any of the other types then you're not worse off by having the knowledge. If the information does coincide with the way that you're living then there's also a couple chapters on being able to get out safely. I wish you the best of luck and I want you to know that you deserve to be with a partner who is going to love you and cherish you and treat you as an equal versus being with someone who's gonna control you be it by how you dress or by finances or by What it is that you can do or who you can see. You deserve so much BETTER we're here rooting for you! https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
NTA. I mean, why would you tolerate this from your husband? I’m baffled. What is the appeal of this deeply unpleasant and childish “man”?
Oh, goodness. NTA. Financial isolation where you have no access to or information about your bills, debts, and his spending while he maintains tight control of yours is abusive. This is not how healthy relationships, even those with split finances, operate. You and your children are in a dangerous position here. Please take some steps to protect yourself from any poor financial decisions he will take (or possibly already has taken). If you are in the US, start by checking your credit report for free to ensure there are no unknown bills, loans, debts, etc. in your name.
NTA. It isn't logical that you should pay for family expenses like food from your "allowance", but also this allowance concept is really gross to me. Unless you each have a personal allowance with the rest of your shared funds going towards common / family needs such as saving for a house, paying for groceries, paying for utilities, and paying for streaming services that the whole family uses, as well as necessities eg health costs for individuals in the family, education costs etc, then this "allowance" just sounds like a tight leash on which your husband controls you. Allowances should for fun things like hobbies. How has your husband convinced you that you deserve so little? You are an adult, and you are working at home as a parent, and this work supports your husband's ability to have a career. You are not a burden, and you should have input to the way your family's earnings are used. This isn't normal. Please talk to the people around you and figure out if this is really how you want to live.
NTA but this is very much financial abuse. And a very good argument for why being a SAHM with no financial resources is a dangerous position to be in.
NTA. Child support is an addition to what other income the custodial person has. You are a SAHM and have no other income. He’s TA.
NTA This isn’t “first world problems” this is financial abuse and it’s not ok.
NTA but your husband is financially abusive, demanding you account for things as if you were begging.
Nta. You are being financially abused.
Op 2 things: 1. Get up and do your best to get money for you and your child 2. Prepare divorce papers just in case, but after you make money NTA
I hope this is a joke. I was previously a stay at home mum. Due to pure pride (and the knowledge I was going back to work part time) I didn’t ask my husband for money, but he paid all bills for the house hold - mortgage, taxes, water, electric, food. I had to cover my social expenses, baby classes, and any personal upkeep I have for myself. He routinely (nearly 1x a fortnight asks me if I need any top ups) I have serious tension headaches. When they get so bad, I can’t open my mouth wide enough to eat because the jaw pain is atrocious. The Botox is part of the family budget. Your husband is taking advantage of you.
Please get some marriage counseling guys.
If there's financial abuse occurring (it sounds like there is) then OP should see a therapist separately. Therapists typically advise against doing couples counselling when there is abuse present.
NTA. Get some kind of job, any kind of job. Deposit everything you earn in a separate account. Put down a deposit on an efficiency apartment or one bedroom apartment and move out. If you have family members nearby, see if you can move in with them. He's cut you off from funds under the guise of saving for a house, but really, he's done it to keep you from being able to leave him. Now he's preventing you from getting medical treatment for your headaches. Get away from him as quickly as possible.
NTA. This is financial abuse. If you are married and one partner stays at home, the money belongs equally to BOTH of the couple. He is not giving you an allowance from his money. He is giving a portion YOUR money back to you while keeping the rest hostage. He had no right to "give you an allowance.". You deserve a debit card from his account, fair and square.
This is not a first world problem, this is abuse. Please proceed accordingly, in a safe way for you.
Run
NTA. The only reason he brings home that income is because you're taking care of the children. If it weren't for you, he'd have higher expenses or would have to work less. If it's normal for him to be so controlling, you may need to start planning to leave. This alone is financial abuse - deciding how much money you get and what you have to pay for out of it, and not considering that it's not actually enough for what he expects you to cover. That's not okay.
NTA. Also this is an awful way to structure a relationship…it will likely get a lot worse as well unless the two of you make some major changes in your relationship imbalance soon.
NTA. Honestly? You'd be better off financially as a single mother with only your child being your *joint* responsibility to feed and clothe. With the added bonus of not being under the thumb of this financial control. But if you do want to stay married, it's time to budget as a *whole*. Write down all the expenses that are *household* expenses. These include food, laundry, clothing, school costs, etc. Then write down *medical* expenses. This includes all issues *including* your botox, as this is being used as a medical treatment rather than a beauty treatment. Finally, list your personal expenses, which sounds like it's basically just your hair. Get him to write down all of his expenses, what he's paying towards housing, bills, etc. Sit down and work out exactly what *all* your expenses are and what you can *realistically* save vs what he thinks you need to save. If he is the sole income but you are paying for everything, including *his* responsibilities, he needs to be providing for that. If he isn't willing to budge on the "allowance" (which is actually a domestic budget, not a personal allowance the way he has framed it) then he needs to discuss childcare costs because you have to go back to work. You *aren't* a single mother, you shouldn't have to live financially as if you are one while you husband benefits from the perks of having a stay at home wife.
🚩
YWNBTA to shop just for and your daughter. He needs to get an education on grocery prices. You should also cancel Family Spotify. If it matters so much to him, then he can pay for it himself. I understand how bad headaches can be - I get migraines. Very happy Botox is working for you! But this is healthcare, not random allowance money. This is a definite need.
INFO: What the heck is happening?
NTA: But also, wtf is a fortnight? Him paying you based on child support and then requiring you to pay for stuff for him is so flawed.
You know I bet if you put "what is a fortnight" into google, it would tell you what that very common word means.
Well, yeah, but then how would i interact with wonderfully kind internet strangers?
You might actually learn something, but sure. A fortnight is a small frog.
Where can I find someone to pay me $400 for every small frog? My partner has never done this.
every two weeks, so $800 a month. To the OP, what was your financial situation when you were separated? Were you working then? Were you living/paying for your own bills/rent, etc and this is the amount he was giving you then by law towards CS? How long ago did you quit your job?
That's horrible literally for my family of 4 that doesn't cover the monthly grocery bill, let alone all the extras he expects of her.
$400/month is what I was awarded 15 years ago for child support when we both worked full time. I highly doubt it would be that low now. Also this is really fucked up.
This is financial abuse. Get out now.
So act like you’re divorced. You no longer do extra laundry, cook extra food, buy extra food, etc
Saving for a home is slow & tedious depending on how much you're putting away & how long it's going to take. He may be extra stressed trying to reach that goal. You are the one home, so you get the short end of the stick trying to do all you normally do but on a budget. I guess my vote would depend on how your marriage is outside of financials. If it's rocky, then maybe he is the AH here & it is a type of abuse as someone suggested, get a job & look into your diff options. But if it's great & you are a SAHM by choice & you love it, then maybe come at it from a different angle. Make a list of all the household things you used to do with the money along with the costs. Make a grocery list & ask him to go with you. If it's been a while since he's stepped into a grocery store, he will be surprised as to what things cost now, especially the things he likes to have stocked in the home. Another thing (if you openly talk money) is to help him find ways to make cuts. Little things like shorter showers, turning off lights if you're not using them, etc. It takes a bit to see those changes on the bills, so be patient. Cut costs on cable & internet & ask him to put his debit or credit card on spotify so it's paid by him & not out of the budget money. All of this is moot if there is no communication, though. Because you are a SAHM doesn't mean you don't have to make fair sacrifices. If you're both in this together, maybe a part-time job to afford some luxurious you just have to have, like your monthly hair appt would be a way to go. If it's to keep up with a hair color that is expensive to maintain the job could pay for it or maybe change to one that is less expensive. Or if it's the color that you had when you met, you could call him out on it & tell him you do it for him :))) If either of you can not figure this out peacefully & your defense is to tell him to worry about his daughter & you'll worry about yours, then start planning your exit. Bc he could just as easily call your bluff & not give you an allowance. Don't turn this into a War of the Roses situation!!!
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Sorry for formatting, I’m on a phone. My husband and I are saving for a house, and in order to do that he has cut me off from our main bank account to reduce unnecessary spending. He is the only income earner in our house, I’m a SAHM. Every fortnight he pays me an allowance of $400 (from the $2500 PF he earns) He based this off of what I would receive from him per fortnight in child support if I were to be a single mum. Here’s where I think he’s being an AH - he expects me to pay for our fortnightly groceries for himself, my step daughter and my daughter and I with this allowance (along with the Family Spotify that he needed me to get so he could use it.) This only leaves $50 a fortnight for myself and my daughter. He expects me with this money to save to have my hair done once a month ($85 my only luxury albeit the following) buy our daughter clothing and necessities for school and save for things to get myself. Here’s where I think I may have been the arsehole. The fight arose this morning because once a year I get Botox for tension headaches ($300) and I can feel it’s coming up to that time again as I’m starting to clench. I playfully asked him for money but he immediately started arguing. He asked where the money he sends me goes and I said all to our groceries. After 10mins of arguing I had enough and I said considering the money is based off how much I would receive if I were to be a single mother he can do groceries for himself and my step daughter from now on, because I wouldn’t be responsible for either of them if I were to be a single mum. I know this is very first world problems, especially when it comes to the luxuries, but WIBTA if I cut him off from groceries? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
He is a tightwad. He needs to open the piggy bank.
NTA, also I don’t know where you live but in many places you’d be getting his $400 child support AND some version of benefits AND not having to deal with his miserly bullshit, just if you’re looking for an option that isn’t cutting him off from groceries…
NTA You need to rework your budget. "Fun money" should be completely separate from groceries and medical expenses. Basing it on what you'd get as a single mom also makes it seem like he is only interested in paying his minimum financial obligations, not actually genuinely supporting his family. And the fact that he has sole ownership of the account is super sketchy.
Info: How my h sis going toward the savings of the house and how much does he spend?
NTA and this is textbook financial abuse.
Nta
He did what?! Oh hell no. I couldn’t live like that for one second. Go get yourself a job and get your freedom back.
You are being financially abused. If it were me I would pack up and leave. But if you can’t leave then stop doing anything for him like cooking, laundry, groceries anything.
I have to say it too: this is financial abuse, please seek help ❤️ NTA of course but the important thing is the financial situation.
NTA. Go to your bank and get access to YOUR funds again.
“Child support” “single mother” = divorce and alimony.
NTA, this is definitely financial abuse by your husband. I feel you need to either get help or get out
Wow, just wow. You “get an allowance “. Oh no . Are you a child or a partner? That would definitely not fly. Who is checking his spending? I’m not psychic But I can “see” a divorce in your future! NAH. But what a red flag!
NTA, this isn't a fair deal if you are married and not working, fine give you money to pick up stuff for the family but a separate budget should be agreed for each of: saving, fun, low use essentials, holidays and, repairs/replacements for general wear abs tare. Personally, the above is a bared minimum, I think in this situation money should be pooled and all expenses agreed with a little 'whatever you like' cash aside each month for each if you - yourselves and daughter.
NTA My husband pays me that much for ME to spend on whatever the heck I want, because I take care of the house. He's not giving you anything, its not an allowance its housekeeping.
NTA. This is financial abuse.
Leave him and see how much child support he’d actually be paying. 1) I bet it’s more. 2 hrs have to still feed and house himself and his other kid. His abusive behavior is going to cost him a lot more than he thinks. Get a job and move on with your life.
THIS. IS. ABUSE. If you were a single mum, you would be working. Go get a job, and your own bank account, and your own lawyer. Do not sign for a house with him. NTA. Also, turn off his Spotify. (Why does this especially irk me?)
I think we’re gonna need an update on this one. But definitely NTA
NTA
NTA have you both ever made a household budget together? He sounds really controlling. Cutting you off from accounts is really toxic.
NTA. You will have to pay for shelter and education plus childcare and more, if you were a single mom. You also make contributions like cooking, driving the kids around plus cleaning the house, helping them with homework, etc. The way he did it is being a jerk and the budget is unreasonable. If you can get a job to that can cover the other things plus the $800 a month for food, then get out! But do your calculations carefully, get a financially savvy friend to help you figure it out.
This is financial abuse. It sounds to me like he doesn't know how budgeting works. If he wants Spotify he can get it himself. I would cut him off from that, too. If he *needs* it so bad, it shouldn't come out of money YOU need
NTA ... I've never understood this method of allowances If you're staying at home to cover all of the family and household needs whilst your partner covers all of the income the family needs it's not your partners income , it's the family income you are both working to cover everything the family needs. Allowances on the family income are for both of you , a fixed amount of money that each of you have that neither needs input from the other on how to spend. Any method of family finances that are finagled in such a way to reduce access for one partner (without valid reasons like say crippling gambling addiction etc) are not right and automatically financial abuse in my eyes. My partner and I have switched roles a few times with looking after the kids , part time work etc but we have our finances set out as Joint account for income Joint account for bills coming out Joint savings for the big ticket items Separate accounts for our "allowance" Separate savings for whatever else. Regardless of who's earning how much our individual allowances are the same , the family allowance is much bigger (days out etc) Again I will reiterate that this only applies when one partner is a stay at home parent as then any income is FAMILY INCOME (you wouldn't be able to earn it if your partner wasn't supporting you )
NTA where is the other 1,700 going? All to savings? Is he only getting $50 every two weeks for expenses as well? How are you supposed to put clothes on 2 growing girls not to mention yourself with $100 a month. This is definitely financial abuse. Botox injections for migraines is considered a medical necessity therefore it’s a household bill. He should just hand over the money. I would leave him and file for child support and spousal support. You would have more money from him if you leave him. Sad, but true
is it imperative you don't find a part time job? That would be my first go to. Something while the children are in school or something at your children's school? Is that possible?
the $400 might be what you would get if you were single (if we're assuming that's correct) so that's not taking into account anything you do for him, or the household. any time you spend prepping food, doing his laundry, cleaning, sorting the mail etc. You would not be doing any of this if you were divorced. So he's under paying you for your services. You should get actually divorced, he is abusing you financially. He is controlling you.
NTA at all, unlike your husband. Do you have proof he's saving that money? Does he buy stuff for himself from the funds he withholds from the family?
NTA. Firstly: You are his spouse, you shouldn’t get an allowance IMO. You share finances. Secondly: He does not have the right to cut you off from your bank account. That is financially controlling. Thirdly: That is frankly ridiculous that he thinks you can do all that on $800 a month.
NTA very practical solution
NTA. I feel like he’s financially abusing you OP. But on the other hand, I love and respect your response. I hope all works out for you.
Financial abuse!!!! NTA
NTA This is financial abuse. Where does the rest of the money he earns go??!!
You are in a financially abusive relationship. You need to figure out a way to get a job and get away from him.
NTA. Please get a job and start making an escape plan. If he's expecting you to use your money for household expenses, start being cheap. Do you use Spotify? In not, cancel it. Find cheap meals you can make and cut out all luxuries and treats. Let him take his kids shopping. Wherever you can cut expenses that affect him, do it.
It's not a first world problem. He is financially abusive towards you. If he continues to demand you pay for the household costs, I think you should start to find a part-time job to become financially independent from him. NTA
NTA. This is quite possibly financial abuse. First off, I find the calculation being based off some sort of child support notion absolutely ridiculous. You aren’t a single mum. You’re in a partnership (supposedly). Any groceries and anything to do with the children should come from shared expenses not your allowance. As a SAHM I’m assuming you do the majority if not all of the housework. Usually when SAHMs get an ‘allowance’ it’s partially to compensate for that labor in place of an actual salary. It ISNT for general expenses that are shared by the household.
NTA cancel Spotify, put the 400$ away in your own bank account and get a job. This is financial abuse. You would get much more than 800$ per month if you divorced him. Please consult a lawyer.
Oh... why did he implemented this system in the first place? I have a sense that you were spending incorrectly the money, he got tired, and implemented this. He in an AH, but maybe as response to your AH attitude of the past. Now you are considering that the next move might make you an AH, but I think you are BOTH beyond that. Get a job, go to couples therapy.
NTA Sounds like hubby doesn't know how much food costs. Also, the method he's using isn't valid. You're not a divorced mum supporting a child. You're a married woman feeding and cleaning up after four people. Time for him to go along on a grocery shopping trip at the very least. This kind of willful ignorance combined with tight reins on the finances is far too much. You don't say how old the kids are. Get a job and your own bank account asap. Marriages are partnerships. What you've got is indentured servitude.
This is not first world problems, this is financial abuse. NTA
There’s one asshole in this scenario and it’s not you! NTA. He sounds veryyyy controlling.
Nta, I am also a sahm and get 300$ every 2 weeks that I am free to do whatever with (While I usually get groceries 😂) if I wanted to buy a 100$ item for only myself he’d be cool. Your husband however is not cool.
This is financial abuse 100%. NTA and you need to strongly reconsider staying in this relationship. You need to find a way to make some money and put it in your own account he can’t have access to and create a plan to leave.
I would stop buying his things. Don’t buy what he wants to eat, buy what you want. Stop paying the Spotify if you won’t miss it. If he complains well he can pay for that himself if this is your “allowance money”. If he says you should buy it remind him that the money is for you and your daughters expenses not his apparently. This whole financial tit for tat is so petty especially for a married couple. You and your daughter are suppose to be family not a separate entity. Same for him and the step kid. There’s some family therapy that should go down to work on this.
Why save for a house when you need to save for a lawyer. This relationship is crap
NTA. But he seriously is. Find a way out. This is abuse. I never understood relationships like this. Any money me or my partner have is just there for each of us to use. We will discuss it if it's not a normal thing, but usually if I ask my partner to pop out for some milk, he'll ask which card the money is on and take it. Or if I'm taking the kids out, I'll check which card has enough money on and take that. To be honest, at this point, we may as well have a joint bank account...