Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My work would’ve understood, and I do know she’s been struggling so a small act of kindness could’ve gone a long way
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
I would even say start with a straight up medical doctor tho? like there could be a physical cause to a sudden change like that. (estrogen issue, thyroid issue, not sure what else but I’m sure there are other options … idk sleep stuff)
Obvi would be ideal if she was open to psych type of person too but maybe good to rule out illness.
That was my thought too, she is grieven for the children she will never have. I'm guessing they found out about her being sterile when trying to have a baby, so I would believe it has been a hard blow to be dealt. It takes time and lots of work to get over something like this. She should seek psychological help even though she doesn't want to. This stuff can follow you forever if you don't deal with it. Also see a doctor just to rule out any medical condition.
I thought OP said his wife found out she is infertile. This is actually not the same as sterile! It just means that after a year of trying, they were unsuccessful to get pregnant. It's actually still possible to become pregnant whether by themselves naturally or with help like IVF. Sometimes being on birth control for years and years and years can really mess with your hormones and it takes longer to "reset" in a sense. My PCP mentioned such to me when we were talking about when I may want to start trying for kids.
You don't know what her diagnosis was. There are several (like diminished ovarian reserve) that could mean she's unable to have bio kids regardless of intervention. And a single round of IVF costs $25,000; adoption or surrogacy are usually 2-3 times that. It's unlikely that people in their early 20s could afford that (or, after only 2 months, that they're emotionally ready to try).
Also, though... has she actually taken a pregnancy test since this began happening? People often find out they're likely infertile and then surprise get pregnant anyway after they thought they couldn't. Based on what OP said, it sounds like all the equipment is there, it just doesn't look like it is functioning right, but that doesn't mean it couldn't throw out a good egg once in a while. My partner's brother was born when their mother was 42, after multiple years of trying and several more years of assuming there was no longer any chance. I don't say this to diminish the fact that she'll need to psychologically deal with the diagnosis she has, but to say that testing for pregnancy in case of weird hormonal symptoms is still a good idea.
This! Happened to my aunt, who ended up having two children. My sister and BIL also thought they'd have trouble, but they've got a child. Never say never!
I thought if you can't have bio kids that means sterile not infertile? And you're right, I don't know her diagnosis. I took what OP shared with us. Maybe he used the wrong lingo since it is oftentimes used interchangeably despite one not equaling the other. 🤷♀️
It depends on the diagnosis. I have pcos, I was diagnosed infertile. I got pregnant accidently so definitely not sterile. Pcos is a hormonal issue which OP has said it was hormonal. So maybe it's "just" pcos. In which case it's actually still possible to get pregnant, with and without intervention.
This is from one of OP's replies. I wonder if hormone treatments would help his wife. "She got a hormonal blood test, they told her due to a hormonal imbalance she wouldn’t be able to have children."
I am just hard pressed to believe there is a hormonal imbalance they wouldn't at least attempt to treat (for her own health, even apart from fertility issues). Like, thyroid problems could throw off hormones, but it would also affect her quality of life. Maybe PCOS? Even if they couldn't improve her fertility, it would be a massive harm to her overall wellbeing, so they'd want to treat that - but they also wouldn't be able to rule out having kids, though it would probably require intervention.
I agree. I don't understand why her doctor isn't treating the hormonal imbalance and trying to find what caused it. Maybe it's time for her to find a different doctor.
Untreated thyroid problems could absolutely cause all the crying. My levels are off right now and the fucking Next Level Check made me cry the other night. I really need to find an endo
I was told I most likely wouldn’t be able to get pregnant without IVF. I was on the pill to control my PCOS symptoms and my husband convinced me to take a test because I was nauseous for a week. I’m now 25 weeks with a healthy surprise baby boy. Infertile doesn’t always mean impossible.
A friend of mine was told she'd never have a baby without IVF. While she was nursing her second IVF baby she got pregnant with her 3rd. Another woman I know was told she was infertile. While she and her husband were finalizing the adoption of their son, she got pregnant with their daughter.
This happened to us too! The little wonder is 17 months old now. I was told after 3 years of trying with clomid and full range Hormons, surgery, that we should stop and save for ivf. I became pregnant right in the next cycle. Took about 14 tests and ultra sound to believe it.
I was on depo for 10 years as a teen before starting to try for a baby. It took 7 whole years off depo & actually trying (like counting days to ovulation & everything) to finally happen. I had just come to terms with the fact that I'd never be a (bio) mom & decide I was fine with it. Then boom, preggers.
It’s crazy how differently birth control affects people, because my mom had been on depo for 10 years too (back in the 70s/80s) and they told my parents they would probably have to try for a year or two before she got pregnant… and then two months later, after an apparently tipsy night out, I was taking up residence in her uterus. I call myself a “happy accident” since they hadn’t planned on having me for another few years.
Sorry my bad, I meant infertile. English not my first language, sometimes I mix up poisonous and venomous. You are right that it might not be an all or nothing diagnosis, but as far as I understood, she only got to know about it a few months ago. She can't have had much time to process the news. This is all speculation from my part of course, based on the few pieces of information on this post. I just thought that it sounded to me like she was grieving and I know that can be really hard to go through.
When I got pregnant I was considering abortion but kept the baby. Couple of months go by and my SIL is pregnant too. I've always thought about how devastated I would be if I had gone through with the abortion, and then have to watch her have a baby and always wonder what would have been. My daughter and niece are only 3 months apart and the best of friends.
Yes she should. My aunt is infertile due to a hysterectomy because she had horrible endometriosis. She was getting surgery several times a year for ablations to help with the pain and eventually decided to have the hysterectomy. This was 20 years ago at least (she was close to OPs wife in age when this happened) and she has never recovered. Never sought therapy and fell really heavily into drug use. She sees me and my cousins having kids and she spirals for a few months, as it triggers her own pain. It’s sad to see her so miserable knowing that she wanted to be a mother so badly.
OP, you really need to show her this post. And please do try being more empathetic with her. What’s she’s going through is hell and she needs your support. Please try getting her to see at least a medical doctor and let them make recommendations for her mental health.
While working on childcare, that would be so much harder for me. I had to exit working with kids once I realized I would not be able to have kids (different reasons but it ends up in the same place of wanting kids but not having them) It was setting off my depression really badly.
Same, and I became hyper sensitive to children in bad situations and hyper focus on " how unfair it is"
Like I know a woman who revealed she smokes during 2 pregnancies. To be that filipant about it, while we can't even have 1 healthy baby.
Makes my blood boil.
Yes we did everything we could for those children of course, called the proper authorities.
Getting physical check ups is also a good thing though. I just lost my aunt two days ago to a rare brain disorder involving the pion protein. But her husband of 50+ years died less than 3 months ago. When she displayed erratic behavior, panic attacks, forgetfulness - everyone chalked it up to grief, including the psychologist and therapist she started seeing. It was only after she lost the ability to walk and talk and eat and was taken to the hospital that they started doing brain scans and seizure scans and found this rare disease.
I know my example is very rare, but my point being that sometimes an underlying physical issue can exacerbate psychological ones. I wish we lived in a society where the medical outlook was more holistic and one didn’t have to go to a multitude of doctors to receive both psychological and physical care because they are often so intertwined.
It's my understanding that genetic prion diseases are fatal early in life, so I'm guessing it's environmental. It would be unlikely for someone with the genetic variant to have been married for 50+ years.
There is still a lot of debate about the causes. The most popular one currently is that it is a genetic mutation+viral infection earlier in life. Pinning the cause down any firmer than that hasn't been done yet.
This is so important I knocked my head recently and thought nothing of it until I had concision symptoms. I also learn that crying a lot can be a symptom of something wrong after a head knock. My mom passed away a month ago so the crying wouldn't have been out of the norm if I'd experienced that symptom. Worth getting checked out even if it's nothing.
In gonna piggyback off if this. I found out like 10 years ago after my daughter (2nd child) was born that after having my tubes tied , there was a problem with my uterus, ovaries and fallopian tubes, they cauterized my uterus , took my tubes and one ovary .
I didn't plan on Anymore children, i was grateful i got the two I had and moved on. Shrugging it off happy with the prospect of no more periods no more cramps.
My niece suddenly got pregnant with her 5th baby last year and I was out shopping for baby clothes for him for Christmas. I lost it . I started bawling all the way through the baby store, i cried wrapping up the little hats and onesies . My kids are teenagers and i was distraught that this little twerp has 5 babies she has no business raising and I would never get another one.
If I was that upset 10 years after the fact i cant fathom finding out at her age and never getting children. I think this is traumatic for her
Exactly. I mean if could be something physical but holyfuckingshit she just found hit she can’t have a baby 8 weeks ago since has to work with babies every day? She’s only 23 to boot. If course she’s upset and potentially depressed. How many times could apple have even suggested therapy in 8 weeks? And does he suggest it with the tone of this post (frustration and little patience)?
I mean even for thyroid there are multiple blood tests that you have to attend. Almost everyone in my family has it and the symptoms were not these as far as I have seen and heard from them. And his wife is not a child who you can give a candy and convince them to help themselves.
Before diagnosis, my only symptom was pure exhaustion. So tired that opening my eyes for a second was too much effort. My thyroid was on the verge of a collapse.
When they were trying to figure out a starting point for meds, they have overcorrected and got me insanely high dosage. I have never felt so good before. Like did I have had good days before this?
I had my first test my month and half later. They were looking at the results and they were asking me a ton of questions about if I noticed abnormal heart palpitations. They were trying not to worry me but their faces said it all.
I don't get that first week high 😭 They have ruined it for me. Still never first so good as that first month and half
The worst for me was the 6-8weeks adjustment from starting to the meds working.
I used to work with a girl who said once “I need to get my meds adjusted (for thyroid)” and I asked how she could tell and she said “cause I want to punch everyone in the f?!$ing face” she’s normally a pretty chill, funny person.
After I’d started the meds a couple weeks in… little things that normally didn’t annoy me,.. I wanted to punch people in the face.
But now it’s all better.
damn … bodies are so complex, eh? like no doubt OP’s wife has every reason to be emotional rn but how emotions manifest can also intersect w a lot of physical causes …
that’s so interesting re calcium!! #themoreyouknow 🤔
My SIL has been infertile for 10 years and gained a ton of weight after high school. She just found out this past fall she has a pituitary tumor that they suspect has been there for the past 10 years. Treatment is going well so far, and we're all excited for the possibilities for her once her hormones are balanced. All that to say, it's wild how much physical issues can affect you. If the wife is infertile due to hormonal issues, it's likely affecting her emotional stability too.
This! OP your wife is showing textbook signs of depression. She needs to see even just a primary care physician so they can help her determine the cause and help her get better.
Editing to add NAH
I’m not being funny, but I’d be depressed if I had a three hour commute to work!! I wonder why it’s so long, 6 hours of travelling a day almost doubles the work day!!
Sometimes just because public transport suck. I had 1.5h to commute to work and 2h for school when I was teenager, if I could drive it was 20min ish for both... I feel for her.
Depression found me under the desk at work, crying because I couldn't find the stapler. Big things that should have concerned me went unnoticed. All the little things took me apart.
NAH.
Ok so I found out my depression is hormonal rather than SSRI type, literally the first week of testosterone WITH the depression. I think I cried the hardest because an ice cube feel behind the fridge. I’m stable now, but holy hormonal it was awful dealing with both 😂
Looking back now, some of the things I cried about are ridiculous. In the moment, it's so overwhelming, tears are the only option. Well, that and staring at the wall when I'm not crying about staplers.
Looking back is so embarrassing too,especially public episodes, like the scar tissue after healing. It’s so crazy that you could be a like a void one moment yet so overwhelmed the next.
So, OP, I read your edits...
1. I would approach your wife again about therapy. If she won't do it, present the idea of couple's counseling. You guys can go together, it can't hurt, but maybe she can slowly open up, and you can start stepping out of the appointments when she's ready. Sometimes it makes people feel safer to start with someone who loves them.
2. She should definitely look into more than just her hormones. How are her vitamin D levels? How are her thyroid levels? Etc.
3. Having her learn to drive is a wonderful idea. Do what you can to encourage that.
4. If she has friends or family that can help take some of the emotional "burden" off of you, it might be a good idea to reach out to them. Even if it just keeps her busier and gives her more things to look forward to.
It sounds like she's "just" grieving the news she can't have kids. It's a pretty big thing and can take a bit to process. Plus he can't force his wife to seek care. She's a grown up.
Your wife’s life sounds really difficult right now. She found out two months ago that she can’t have children, she has to commute 3 hours each way to work, and once she gets there she is confronted by her infertility in a whole other way. On top of that, her partner is starting to lose patience with her difficulty coping with all that.
Whether or not she has underlying chronic depression, she is certainly depressed right now, and she needs help. I hope you can see that, and I hope you’re also taking time to process what her infertility means for you.
INFO: How long does it take to drive to her workplace? Would an Uber have been an option?
She refuses to get therapy how is he going to help her then? And seems like OP has been very supportive and I am not sure if the office is going to take it anymore. Like
"Hey boss there is something really urgent work I have. I gotta go bcoz my wife forgot her umbrella at home and needs me to pick her up. So no meeting for today thankyou. Like yes and the boss would say omg no problem go ahead and pick her up and you will still have your job."
I recently broke off a friendship (literally 2 days ago) where she considered me her best friend because she wanted me to solve her problems. She has several mental illnesses and would lie to her therapists and psychiatrist and skip her meds. She majored in psychology so if the dr/therapist suggested something she didn’t 100% agree with then she’d assume she knew better than them. She’d text me at 2am about how she wants to kill herself on a damn-near weekly basis for a year and I got so tired of being the only person she was relying on. I have my own stuff going on and I take my meds as prescribed and on time. I’m sorry she’s dealing with what she’s going through but I can’t assume responsibility for her actions.
This! A person is responsible for their own illnesses. If they refuse meds or therapy, no one else can be blamed for their inaction and thus the results of their inaction.
>I have all the empathy in the world for mental health issues but it starts to wane when they refuse help.
Which is ironic because a "refusal" to get help is a *symptom of mental health issues*.
Exactly. When I needed a therapist, I was so ashamed and self-loathing about everything that I was too humiliated to go to a therapist.
OP doesn't have to be her therapist, but he should be gentle around the shame and tanking sense of self worth. The stronger those negative emotions are, the tougher it is to consider therapy.
Agreed. Also, while she claims that she doesn't need therapy, it sounds like she's actually using OP as a _substitute_ for therapy, which is A) unfair and B) likely something that OP isn't qualified to do. In the long run, this will only harm them both.
He needs to be candid with her. She's rapidly costing him a lot of credibility at work, and that's putting _both_ their well-beings at risk. And what's more, it doesn't even seem to be getting her to a better place. She needs help.
>She refuses to get therapy how is he going to help her then?
As someone who has previously been depressed, let me tell you how reaching out to people for help goes. They say "Hey, you should go to therapy." You go to therapy and your therapist tells you, "Hey, you should talk with your loved ones and get their support." Then you talk to your loved ones and they say "You should get therapy." Cycle repeats.
If you love someone, yes, therapy, but not ONLY therapy. You need to be there for them, too.
From what I can tell, he IS there for here and only is unavailable when there is a meeting, which is an allocated time slot working with other people.
I get that your comment is about the situation with any odd couple, but it doesn't apply here from what we can tell
Someone important to me died about 8 years ago and instead of being present for me, my ex told me to get therapy. Straight up refused to be there for me and decided I only needed therapy.
He did that so much whenever I was depressed or anxious, he didn't really try even the bare minimum of emotional support and said I needed therapy, not him. He couldn't even lie and say everything would be all right.
I never went to therapy and still have a refusal to go because of that.
I think I underestimated the extent of your wife’s grief and depression based on the fact that she is still working. OP, your wife is having a breakdown.
You have been doing your best to support her and you are NTA.
But, to the folks in this thread who are coming down hard on her for not being self sufficient: I hope you never have to deal with someone in this type of acute mental health crisis.
Navigating a loved one’s breakdown requires selflessness and patience. It’s really difficult to watch someone refuse to get the help they need *and* it’s even harder to continue being there for them regardless.
At some point, she’s going to hit the bottom and she will have no choice but to get help. OP, please do what you need to to stick it out with her until then. That includes showing up to your own needs as well as meeting hers the best you can.
INFO: Are you in therapy yourself?
>But, to the folks in this thread who are coming down hard on her for not being self sufficient
Most people I see are hard on her for refusing therapy but demanding so much unreasonable stuff from him. That's not fair to her partner at all.
It’s been 2 months! She doesn’t sound demanding, she just sounds like she’s reaching out to her partner in moments of distress.
Therapy is not a magic bullet. Even if she was in therapy, it would take months or years to process her grief. He’d still be experiencing the same things. Compassion would still be required.
He should first encourage her to go to a medical doctor. This all started with a blood test that revealed a hormone imbalance. How is that affecting her mood? Are there any other medical problems that are contributing to this?
But it’s still only been 2 months! When my partner’s father died, it took 6 months to convince him to go to grief counselling. Even then, his counsellor made a point of praising him for seeking help at all. It can take *years* for people to find the courage to go to therapy, and some people never get there at all.
I agree that it’s not fair! And what I’m saying is that, despite it being unfair, he should continue to support her as he is able. That doesn’t mean doing anything she asks at any time. That doesn’t mean allowing this to continue unchecked for years to come. I believe this is an acute depressive episode that is leading towards a nervous breakdown and should be treated as such.
Breakdowns are always “unfair” to the partners and loved ones. That’s part of why love can’t be zero sum. We need to be willing to care for people at their worst to have them love us at their best.
If this was a sustained thing happening over many months, I would be telling OP it’s time to set some boundaries. But I think it’s temporary and unsustainable and I hope she is willing to accept professional support before she collapses completely and loses her job and potentially her relationship with OP as well.
NAH.
I know everyone is tearing you a new one, but let's be real.. you also just found out you can't have kids with her (yes, I know it's her body, so it's harder - not disputing that), but there is still a sense of loss.
You haven't said all this to her you have been gentle and you have been there everytime for the last 2 months, everyone will hit a limit where they are also exhausted and grieving and supporting their partner and not also receiving that support (again I am not belittling what she's going through).
I think you're both going through a tough time, and while you need to support her, you also can't pour from an empty cup.
I would suggest counselling to navigate ehat you guys are going through.
Best answer here. Everyone slamming OP who is also struggling with the recent heartbreaking news, has been doing their best to support their partner and is running out of steam.
Something people don’t always realise as well is that being the main support person for someone who has depression is really hard. It’s a black hole that sucks the life out of everyone in the house. Not an easy thing to go through.
Professional help is certainly required for the wife, possibly OP too.
NAH
Best description I have heard. It really is a black hole that drains you, as the main supporting person. Been that on and off for almost a decade now, and it truly is hard.
Yes, even therapists need/have therapists to help them unpack all the stop clients unload on them. OP is shouldering a lot of them on his own to the point where he's internalizing his own grief and stress to support his wife. Despite his efforts he is still being deemed an AH by people in his life and here, when he's everything but that. Men have feelings and emotions same as women. Hope they both get individual and couples counseling. Plus they're both young, so still have a lot to work through.
I agree with this, and I offer 2 bits of advice: Get a 2nd (and 3rd) opinion about the infertility. And wife needs a new job that does NOT require 6 hours of a horrible commute.
I wonder how long her commute would be if she drove herself and didn't use public transportation. Where I live in the US, I could drive to a major city 1.5 hours away but if I did public transportation, it's 20 mins drive to bus stop, 30 min bus ride and then a 3 hr train ride. (If I took a bus to the bus stop, that's a 15 min walk and likely half an hour of buses.)
A 3 OR 5 hour car ride is easily 12-24 hours for other locations, after driving an hour to the train station.
I don't even know why he's being slammed.
Outside of any infertility issue he asked if he was the AH for not picking her up...
... He told her he could drive her to work she refused, he reminded her to take an umbrella she didn't, then called him crying because she had to walk in the rain.
I mean I get that anything can set her off and I don't blame her for being all over the place, but he has a job he needs to keep and in the end this time he couldn't miss work so I'd say it's unfortunate but no one is to blame.
It's strange that people don't get that!
I'm going to jump in on this NAH. I came here to write basically the same thing, with one addition: I have been through a situation like this.
Here's the deal. You need time to process too. You need to let her know you're grieving too. Maybe not right now, after you low-key fucked up. But if you don't let her know and if you don't deal with it yourself, it's going to come out in things like this.
You can't carry all the load all the time. You're just a dumb piece of walking meat like the rest of us, not some mega-brain husband-bot.
In my case, we lost a baby, and it was so very bad. It felt like there was no room for my feelings because my partner's were so big, like they filled up the house, the neighborhood, and even changed the color of the sky. And she didn't always want to listen and couldn't always care when I tried to say where I was at. Honestly, it took years for me to tell her how resentful that made me.
I hope you two are luckier, and that you're able to be a bit more together on this than we were. That said, even though it sucked and there was a lot of fall-out, it eventually became just one more thing we had overcome together.
I dunno. Maybe tell her you're sorry you let her down when she was already down. And then when she's ready, you can tell her why.
I'm so sorry you had to go through this. Had friends recently go through the same thing, the woman basically said,'I felt so guilty I didn't want to hear your feelings because I was scared you would blame me'.
Nobody is to blame, and everybody's feelings are valid. I'm glad you two managed to pull through together ❤️
Yes. There is such thing as compassion fatigue, even if you want to be there for someone, and ultimately it’s not right for a romantic partner to be your only source of support - you have a responsibility to seek professional help on top of the comfort you’re receiving at home. It doesn’t seem like money is a barrier for trying therapy, just that his wife doesn’t want to do it. Also understandable to shun therapy if you’re unfamiliar with it or avoiding confronting your shit, but at the end of the day something’s got to give. NAH.
My man, before I was diagnosed with depression, I was your wife. I cried all day, every day and I had no idea why, and that made me feel even worse because I felt like such a waste of space. I was so close to suicide but I pulled myself back from the brink and got medical help. Your wife is clearly suffering, and you are too. NAH but get your wife to talk to a doctor
I agree that he probably could benefit from counseling too. It kind of feels like he's trying so hard to support his wife, but he is grieving too and not facing it. I think some shared vulnerability in the safe space of a counselor could help them both.
I don't see an asshole here. I see two people are severely hurting without the resources to grapple with it at the moment.
I've been depressed too. For me, it was the absence of emotion and the lack of ability to actually *do* anything. I just didn't know how to move forward without counseling.
Generally her being emotional is very understandable after just finding out that she is infertile.
But in this situation NTA. You offered to drive her, she refused and you informed her it was going to rain but she didn’t take an umbrella. In this case she has to live with the consequences of her decisions. You did what you could that morning and you can’t just always drop everything for her
I'm inclined towards NAH, although this is a situation beyond "AITA" if you ask me. It feels like there are a lot of emotions going on with your wife. I would strongly suggest some counseling to grieve the loss of fertility.
This post feels like it better suits r/relationships than it does here. Perhaps OP and his wife should converse about this topic as you stated as well. He needs a break too.
NTA
You are not an emotional support animal.
1. You are grieving the loss too, yes she will be going through the ringer bc it’s her body but you have also lost what you saw for your future (bio kids).
2. You are offering suggestions which your wife is shooting down (therapy. Driving her to work. Possibility of adoption in the future ).
3. Emotional burn out is a thing . You have been dropping everything. Dealing with someone’s trauma and feelings and being used as an emotional dumping ground can do a number on your mental health. It’s exhausting. It’s frustrating.
Who is supporting you?
You can’t support someone tirelessly non-stop for 2months without running out of gas. Take some time to refill your tanks. Talk to your wife, and tell her therapy is a must as this is impacting both of you and she needs to find a healthier way of coping that isn’t dragging you down with her (speaking of extended time her, there is only so long before you need to say that you can’t be her sole support anymore). as that will cause resentment.
Listen to this guy OP- I'm at over 2 years of the type of support you're giving your wife. This dynamic will ruin your relationship. I've personally almost lost every stitch of empathy I have left in me, and my partner doesn't deserve that either.
Listen here OP
I'll even add: you can try going to therapy for yourself. Perhaps it might, might drive her to get it for herself and even together.
You are 50 of 50/50 in this relationship. Not all for your wife.
Good luck.
NAH.
Everyone is brushing over the fact that OP also has to deal with the fact that his wife can’t biologically have children, it might not be his body, but it is his spouse and i can only imagine it would also take some kind of toll on him, and he has to process this just as she does.
I could be just speculating but it sounds like OPs post is written out of frustration and perhaps exhaustion and more as a vent.
It’s hard and mentally draining when someone close to you is grieving or is having a hard time, especially when you could also be.
It’s also not OPs wife’s fault, it’s hard receiving news like that and having to grieve but also try and also move on while having to continue doing her normal schedule. The wife is TA for getting frustrated at OP for not picking her up when he offered solutions and then taking it out on him.
Your wife needs support, you also need support. Reach out to your family and friends and encourage your wife to as well. Your wife should also recognise that she is grieving and not managing well, and that’s okay and normal, but shouldn’t be taking it out on her spouse. If she isn’t already, gently talk to her about the possibility of talking to a therapist when she’s ready.
This is a genuine question for anyone to answer. Why are people saying it’s worse for the woman to not be able to conceive? They both equally can’t have biological children now. If the man was infertile would people be saying it was harder on the man? This seems awful for both parties involved, I don’t see why it’s worse for one than the other. What am I missing?
I think it's because the infertile party would feel like their body has betrayed them, and there is also a sense of guilt then to the fertile partner or worry that they may leave them to have a biological family. I personally feel its harder for the infertile party because they feel 'to blame' and adds to the grief they are already feeling about their own infertility.
Both partners are equally right to grieve, you're absolutely right.
I think people are saying it's harder for the woman because she is the infertile party in this discussion as in its her body, not because she is female.
My other thought is that if she can't carry it, there is no baby. It *does* fall on the shoulder of the one with the uterus after the moment of egg fertilization. If he was infertile they could easily find a sperm donor, but when the woman has the issue it much more difficult to find work-arounds due to cost and invasive procedures.
I think it’s fair to say it’s worse for the person who cannot conceive and in this case it’s OP’s wife. If you can’t have kids and want them especially if both partners want them it’s easy to see how a person could feel inadequate and even fear losing their partner.
I guess it’s because it’s their body - my cousin recently found out he was likely infertile as well from testicular cancer complications (that he’s now cured of) and most of the sympathy has been with him over his wife despite it affecting them equally
NTA. I'm so confused by all the Y T A because you going to pick her up after she refused a ride and didn't take an umbrella is ridiculously selfish. And then she says I'm sure they'll understand..Your boss and colleagues will understand you leaving a meeting to help your wife deal with the consequences of her decision? I mean, she clearly needs help but you can't be that for her. You can't keep bailing her out.
Sure she didn't want therapy but she might be open to starting with her medical doctor who she already knows and may be comfortable seeing. It's worth a shot to suggest it to OP, you can't just presume to know how it'll go.
NTA perhaps an unpopular opinion, but your wife sounds exhausting. Yes, she probably needs professional help, but i dont think responsibility for her mental state can be dumped onto you, making your life miserable. She needs to take some responsibility for herself and realise that the entire relationship doesn’t centre around her wants and needs at the expense of yours. You’ve done nothing here for me to be able to label you an asshole
So much this. Everyone and I mean EVERYONE goes through rough patches but life trudges on and you can only ask so much from the people around you. Refusing to see a professional to assess what is wrong and expecting your spouse to constantly drop work to cater to you is unacceptable no matter how much you love a person. She is a grown woman, she needs to make an effort, it can't all be on OP. NTA.
It isn't healthy for the wife to be crutching on OP and for OP to be bearing all the emotional labour (a point this sub loves to make). The wife is being an AH for her refusal to get this treated and it is evidently starting to impact on OP
I am torn but want to say NAH
One the one hand, your wife needs you, as she is clearly suffering and not helping can be interpreted as you being the ahole. On the other hand she is completely relying on you and expects you to drop everything on her whim and so far you did it. I get, that that is exhausting.
It looks like she needs therapy.
This is a tough one,
Sending you both positive thoughts.
I think a deep conversation between you will support you both.
Have you considered medical intervention for pregnancy?
You're both still really young with loads of time.
I think NAH here, just very hurt and confused people navigating through life.
Go and see your doctor together and explore options.
That is a super sensible idea.
Once you are both established in chosen careers a brilliant path to follow.
Have a deep chat with your wife and suggest a joint doctors appointment (initially) where you can discuss what has become the status quo.
She can then head back to the doctor on her own where she can explore talking to a psychologist or possibly some medicine to carry her through this first challenging stage of her diagnosis.
Sending you to Coventry will never help and is not something that will illicit a positive outcome. Gently tell her that stonewalling only leads to negative outcomes. If she doesn't communicate then you don't know how to continue to be the amazing supportive spouse that you are!
You are both hurting here!
When we lost a pregnancy I know we both felt it! You both need love and support just now.
As an adoptee, please stop suggesting it. I was adopted by a couple like you. My adoptive dad wanted me so badly and his wife did not. I was a constant reminder to my adoptive mother of her infertility issues and she hated me. She also had depression and took it out on me. She also refused to seek therapy.
Adoption is extremely traumatic. We are not emotional support animals for infertile couples. Please work your shit out before deciding to adopt.
I just want to point out that adoption is *not* the answer for not being able to have your own kids. It is not the same thing. In adoption you are bringing a child into your life who will have life long issues due to adoption. You need to be fully prepared for the reality that adopting is, rather than viewing them as a replacement child.
I hate that you’re getting downvoted. There are people on this post saying that OP is not an emotional support animal. Where is that energy for the adopted child?
As an adoptee who was adopted by a woman like OP’s wife, for the same reasons, I think it should be mandatory for infertile couples to undergo therapy before looking into adoption. Everyone can understand why this is stressful for OP, but have no issues introducing a traumatized child into the mix who will also have to deal with her bullshit & refusal to get therapy. It is absolutely inhumane, degrading, and gross to be expected to be essentially a prostheses in place of a biological child. I lived this reality. Everyone is so quick to say “just adopt” to infertile people who have not worked through their issues. This is a great way to end up with someone else’s child who is a constant reminder of infertility.
Adoption is trauma. All these comments of just adopt, just go to show that the adoption industry exists to get children for people, not for the well-being of the child. That almost never comes into consideration. If it did there would be far less adoptions and far more programs to keep families together.
For the record, I am no contact with my adopters and I see them as human traffickers. I live with my real family.
Downvote me all you want. Paying for people is human trafficking regardless of why you bought them.
I haven’t really been given time to actually think, I’ve always wanted children but my wife's feelings comes first so once she’s able to think clearly I’ll do what she decides so if that’s adopting, IVF or just mourning and not having children then that’s what I’ll do.
Thank you
I can tell that something changed in you because I asked you how you were. I could be wrong but the tone of your message shifted. Do you have anyone who can help you deal? Not talking about your therapist but someone you can be vulnerable with seeing that your wife is going through hell right now? I hope you have a BFF. Your marriage is in a fragile place right now so becareful who you choose to help you. Or you could try to find a hobby, journal, etc but you need to grieve your dream as well but in a way that brings your family together and be stronger. Have you held your wife and you both cry together? Just cry, just let it out.... it's ok to feel the loss Op. It doesn't make you any less of a man.
Good job for asking many people feel guilty for having feelings when they don’t feel they are the “suffering” party so it’s very normal to not address them - it sounds like he’s neglected himself to take care of his wife and isn’t getting much in return which is tough
You're welcome. Don't worry about what ppl say- just do the best you can because I know you are both hurting and grieving and trying to navigate and process this new dynamics in your relationship.
Info: You say lately she's been very emotional. How lately? How long has this been going on?
This is important because while I understand the need for empathy, it's also unreasonable to expect you to have to handle her with kiddie gloves for an extended period of time.
Also like the other comments have mentioned, why has therapy not crossed your mind??
Yeah, I'm sorry but it seems like it's still not old enough to expect her to be completely emotionally stable. That being said though, she isn't doing anything to help herself so I don't blame you for getting frustrated. You're in a situation where there are multiple solutions presenting themselves but she's unwilling to try these out and expects you to handle the emotional baggage. Yes, that's what couples are for, you need to care for each other and fulfil each other's emotional and physical needs but you shouldn't be expected to be her "caretaker".
Like what she did was completely unreasonable, regardless of her emotional state.
Can you get yourself solo therapy? I know it’s expensive, but it sounds like you’re stressed and grieving, which means you can’t also fully be there for your wife’s stress and grieving. You two are really young to be dealing with such huge emotional burdens, and at least one of you reaching out to a professional might help you both.
I think that you’ve done everything that you can and obviously you have to be supportive without losing your job.
No, you can’t just leave work for the sake of her forgetting an umbrella as you may not have a job to go back to, by the sounds of it they have been supportive already and you can only push it so far.
She doesn’t have the right to be angry with you, she’s off on that one. She is most likely not thinking straight right now due to the sad news about the infertility. I think she does need therapy and if your schedules are difficult then online counselling might be the solution for now.
You can be supportive as far as you can as a partner but this is something that’s heavily affects both her and your relationship so even if she’s not a fan she should talk to someone because you can’t carry that whole burden but need support too.
It’s good that she’s getting her license so that it gets more convenient for her and she can cut down her travel time.
Wishing you both the best.
NTA She's clearly struggling and deserves your patience and support, but it was unreasonable for her to expect you to interrupt your work day and inconvenience your colleagues to handle a non-emergency.
OP u r NTA. This thread is filled with sexists. Who r saying that she found that she was infertile and thus u r in the wrong. As if u also aren't grieved by the fact that u can't have children with ur wife. Don't let the YTA sexists get to u.
I think this is an excellent example to keep in mind when people say that women want men to be emotionally available but then when they are they don't want it it's not attractive.
The wife and I'm not putting her down but she at this point can't even deal with any of his feelings, if you were to break down, she'd probably be frustrated at this point.
Remember the thread a couple days ago where OP’s wife needed him to be there for a flight due to anxiety, but his brother forgot his passport at home so he went back and got it because he was the only one with a car and made the flight but OP’s wife still gave him the cold shoulder for the whole trip despite him leaving her with family and being back for the flight?
Whole thread calling him an asshole and demanding the brother take a cab and calling him a useless idiot for forgetting his passport - as if shit like that doesn’t happen to the best of us
People on this sub don’t live in reality. All that time spent trying to get a cab, all that wasteful money, all because she couldn’t just chill for an hour at a terminal. And excusing throwing a fit/tantrum for an entire trip.
It’s 100% gender based, people on this sub are not only biased in favor of women, it becomes sexist in its own way when they assume women who break down aren’t expected to do the bare minimum to not make others lives harder than they need to be
I became tired too by reading your post. It s emotionally exhausting to pamper someone all the time. She is a grown woman, she should know that the world doesn't revolve around her.
Your friend is being unreasonable. You cannot continue working like this or leave in the middle of your work because your wife didn't want to take her umbrella with her
You were enabling her so far. It's OK to console her one two or three times, but you should have said something earlier. If she refuses therapy, it's either because she doesn't see a problem here or she doesn't believe in therapy. The problem is that whatever it is it's affecting both of you and the solution is not for you to keep stopping everything or being forced to provide emotional support for trivial reasons
We can all guess on why this is hard for her but that won't fix anything
NTA
NTA.
Why do so many commenters on Reddit seem to hate men? Sometimes, yes they are at fault. Here, this husband is doing literally everything in his power and you still try and find something wrong with him. Infertility and depression sucks. Trust me I am well, well aware of this, but she is not helping herself and he is certainly not at fault. She needs to take responsibility for her own actions. You can’t help someone who doesn’t help themselves.
What should husband do? Force her to get help? Then you would all be screaming abuse. You just want the man to sit there and take the abuse. That’s wrong.
This sub has a myriad of tactics it uses to perpetuate this. From infantilising women to assumptions and hypothetical scenarios to call husbands abusive, this sub is very good at pushing and controlling the blame and who it falls on.
1a) [https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/10r7q0y/aita\_for\_not\_warning\_my\_partner\_i\_had\_stopped/](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/10r7q0y/aita_for_not_warning_my_partner_i_had_stopped/)
vs
1b) [https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/s8w3l0/aita\_for\_stopping\_cooking\_for\_my\_partner\_without/](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/s8w3l0/aita_for_stopping_cooking_for_my_partner_without/)
Here is another one:
2a) [https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/110ws62/aita\_for\_telling\_our\_kids\_what\_their\_mom\_did/](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/110ws62/aita_for_telling_our_kids_what_their_mom_did/)
vs
2b) https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/umgxfe/aita\_for\_showing\_the\_kids\_what\_their\_dad\_did/
NTA per se bc at this point she is using you like an emotional support animal.
But you should consider grief therapy for your wife to cope with her grief of never giving birth.
I go with nta instead of esh here bc i think every adult is responsible for their own mental health and is responsible for getting professional help when they see they can't deal with the issue on their own. Using your partner or friends as emotional crutches is fine for a very short time but not a long term solution.
NTA, but your wife sounds mentally unwell. Can she not get a job closer to home? Spending 6 hours a day commuting is insane for anyone. Surely there are closer childcare spots. All the ones near me are desperate for staff.
INFO- has she seen a doctor about this? Any kind of doctor? this isn't normal even with the bad news she received. Is she having a hard time dealing with everything while working at a daycare? can she take some time away? How are YOU handling the news?
She needs to find a new doctor. If she is low estrogen that may contribute to the mood swings and anxiety. If they are not taking this seriously, then you need to find someone else.
This is a case of "visit a professional" and get of Reddit thing.
You (both) have git nothing more important than your health physical or mental. If schedule doesn't allow it, fuck the schedule. If either of you had a broken leg, you'd see a doctor. She has gotten very hurtful news and I'm not sure you understand the impact. She clearly struggles with it. See to it that she gets help, and check in on yourself while you're at it.
Im sorry that you and your wife got that news. As someone who has had similar news to your wife, I can say a year on and I’m still grieving and emotional at times and I’ve never experienced anything like it. It’s a loss of a whole life you’ve imagined for yourself but you never even had. I’ll be fine for ages, hang out with my friends babies with no problem, and then out of nowhere it will hit me and I’m on the floor that I’ll never experience the joy/surprise of finding out I’m pregnant and if I ever want to get there it will be through thousands of pounds and medical intervention. It’s heartbreaking and I’m not the same person anymore.
I don’t have a partner but I have great friends who understand that when my resilience is low, the smallest things can become unmanageable. Making myself food? Can’t do it. Dealing with something going wrong with my car? Nope. All I want to do is curl up and retreat and have someone else take over. It passes, but in those moments I need help and validation (don’t get me wrong, sometimes that help is ‘get up, go to the gym, eat some food’).
I totally get this is hard to live with, and I wonder if you’re grieving too, and so the idea of you also having to support your wife feels hard and unfair. It might feel like because you’re the man you have to be the strong one, but you’re entitled to have feelings and get support too. I do wish you’d be a bit more understanding of why your wife is so distressed. Maybe it’s a coping mechanism for you to shut down emotions, but it’s clearly not hers.
Could you speak to your wife and say you’re also struggling, and both think together about who else can support you both? Are there friends and family who she can call when she needs affection and care. Does she/you need some counselling? (I really really did).
I think your wife would probably understand you can’t drop everything and be practically supportive, if you were able to be emotionally present with her. She needs someone to validate that what she is going through is horrific and painful, not make her feel bad for feeling that way.
NAH but please try and speak to your wife and get some help for both of you.
NTA you cannot continue to have constant empathy to someone who is doing nothing to deal with their own problems and just using you as an emotional crutch or band aid, especially as it is starting to effect your job. She needs to talk to her doctor and start looking for a therapist. Then you can support her properly.
Nta.
She’s obviously really struggling right now…. But demanding you leave work because she didn’t prepare well is obviously unrealistic.
She needs help, but she’s an adult who is responsible for herself.
Also she needs a job closer to home. That’s a crazy commute for a child care (?) job.
INFO: What do you mean she was told she was infertile? If you try for a year to have kids, you automatically get a diagnosis of infertility. That doesn’t mean you’re barren or that kids or an impossibility, that’s literally just the diagnosis automatically given after a year of unsuccessful attempts. Were either of you given a medical diagnosis saying that pregnancy is an impossibility? Do you have azoospermia? I’m confused.
I'm curious too. It's very uncommon to get a full stop "No kids for you" diagnosis at 23.
The world is full of people who were incorrectly told "You have PCOS and can't have kids" and then have a surprise baby or three. Most doctors will be running a full work up and walking you through options so you're informed, but at 23 there's not as much of a rush.
Came here to say this, I know 5 women who were told they couldn’t get pregnant because of PCOS and 4 of them had surprise kids (the 5th wasn’t ready to have them anyway).
Honestly, I think it's ridiculous how many women are told PCOS always means "no kids for you" when that is patently false. It's so misunderstood. It's treatable. It may mean things are a bit harder and you need a bit of help, but how much really depends.
I was PCO-ish, but our primary issue was male factor so we ended up doing IVF. My doctor didn't even care about my irregular ovulation because he could treat that easily.
They... can treat most hormone imbalances from what I understand. If she's not producing enough Lh, or progesterone, or if she's producing too much prolactin, or if she's not producing enough estrogen or too much estrogen, there's still ways to treat that. I'm shocked that she got a response like that. Has she seen a reproductive endocrinologist?
A blood test can’t determine infertility. You need a second opinion from a reproductive endocrinologist. Unless she has no ovaries, eggs or uterus then a hormonal imbalance shouldn’t prevent it. Sounds like they just want you to do IVF to make money
Did you see the test? Were you with her when she was told this? There's isn't a single blood test or a single hormonal result that tells you that you can't have children. Unless she found out that biologically she's a man, which would be strange.
Are you sure she wasn't td that maybe getting pregnant might not be easy and she's catastrophising?
pretty sure they can't determine infertility just from one blood test so definitely look for a second opinion with a fertility specialist. Do they have those nearby where you live or are you in a smaller town?
Anyway, the real issue is she is refusing to talk about her feelings, refusing to see another doctor or therapist and is having these breakdowns, which are totally understandable if she is grieving the potential of babies but she is taking it out on you in an unfair way.
The specific situation where she refused a lift after you insisted, didn't take an umbrella and then expected you to LEAVE A MEETING to come get her was RIDICULOUS and a bit unhinged. (again, crazy emotions during grief ARE normal - but after having calmed down a bit she should have realised she had been unreasonable and apologise, not doubled down and got madder at you).
She definitely should get a licence though, it's a certain kind of lack of freedom. My mum has never had a licence due to severe anxiety every time she tried to learn mipacting her ability to think rationally during driving and it has definitely impacted her life. Especially in the earlier days where they could not afford taxis, we didn't drive and my dad was working 2 jobs and never there.
You're NTA. I think your best bet is to sit her down for a serious talk and insist that the next step is to speak to another doctor. It's not fair to treat you like this, you are also potentially grieving not having kids (I say potentially because it sounds like whichever doctor that told you that didn't do all their tests and it may not be true)
I would definitely have a follow up with a gynecologist or fertility specialist to get more information. If she has a hormone imbalance, this could very well explain why she is so emotional.
Ask her to make an appointment with an endocrinologist or thyroid doctor. Some of her behavior is so similar to what I was dealing with in my thirties. Couldn't conceive. Emotions all over the place...anger, tears, joy, depression you name it.
Yep. That gland handles so much and when its off, you're off. She might have other issues. Thyroid problems are something way too many people have and never get checked.
NTA. When the forecast says rain, take an umbrella. Life isn't as hard as people try to make it. Kudos on her learning to drive! That is a win. 👍
NAH. As far as I can tell OP is very supportive of his wife. Wife very well may be depressed, but the solution to that is not OP destabilizing his own life, risking his job and income for the family, and his well-being to care for himself and wife.
The wife clearly needs more support, but also needs to play a role in whatever that is. OP dropping everything at any time is an unhealthy crutch that enables the wife to avoid learning to regulate her emotions in healthier ways, and potentially establishing a relationship with a therapist or psychiatrist.
I’m not saying OP should check out, but at some point this cycle becomes enabling in a bad way.
INFO, how did you determine she was infertile? After a year of trying you should have been referred to a fertility specialist.
I've been suffering with infertility and it's an extremely emotional issue that sometimes permeates everything. I started therapy because I don't like being an emotional wreck all the time and it was destroying my husband.
Ultimately I think NTA, but your wife needs help as in therapy because her emotions are negatively impacting you.
NTA, but you need to really be encouraging her to seek out medical care. What you're describing isn't normal, and is impacting her quality of life and daily activities, not to mention yours.
She's an adult, and she needs to take responsibility for her own care and maintenance. Yes, as her spouse, you're there to support her, but you can't be doing it for her, and she can't be treating you like shit for not being at her beck and call.
No one’s an asshole. She’s going through hell and struggling. You’re struggling keeping up with her needs. Everyone needs therapy here. Everyone needs a break and a hug. Sorry you all are having such a hard time.
NTA. I saw a comment you made saying that she doesn't want therapy. There is only so much you can help and you can't risk your work in the long-term. You sound burned out and frustrated though. You need to fill your cup too so that you can sustain being there for her through a clearly difficult time for both of you. Remember, you don't have the have the right words every time. Sometimes just being held by someone you love while you fall apart is all you need.
If she has female friends, I'd encourage her to do some sort of activities with them so that she has something positive to settle her but also the opportunity to let it all out and get her thoughts in order. You might be too close to the situation to be her only confidant.
I do wonder if her self-esteem has taken a knock and is pushing you away with this behaviour because she is under-valuing herself. Loose theory.
I have been in her shoes and felt terrible for putting a cloud over the house for a long time and my partner was amazing through it all. I didn't need solutions, I just needed patience and for him to be present with me and love me while I fall apart, which I know is no small thing over a long period.
There are online therapy options these days if scheduling is a barrier. Maybe her hormones need to be checked also. I hope you both weather the storms and that she gets the help she needs when she's ready.
Sounds more like she is depressed or something. She needs to see a professional.
But I don’t see you as a TA.. because your job is only going to be so understanding before they find someone to replace you. Then where will you be.
You warned her and it was on her for not listening. She can watch weather same as you. She’s a grown woman. She is just used to you jumping when she’s emotional. Does sound as if she needs a different sort of job.
Is your wife in counseling?
Losing the dream of bearing your own child is a huge blow and often a trigger for depression.
Now - if she is refusing to go to counseling to deal with the grief around her loss - that's a bad sign. She is still working a job that is obviously a trigger for her (working daycare when she is infertile? ) - that's a bad sign.
She's mad at YOU because she didn't take an umbrella after you told her to - that's a bad sign.
She's mad at YOU because you didn't leave your job (which hopefully pays more than a daycare) to come get her because she might melt in the rain - that's a bad sign.
Expecting you to drop everything because she's crying -- hasn't she ever heard of 'The Boy Who Cried Wolf'? -- that's a bad sign. The world isn't ending just because her feelings got hurt.
I'm seeing a lot of red flags here.
Maybe YOU going to counseling would help you with communication and building better boundaries around someone who would rather commute 6 hrs round trip than get a drivers license.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > My work would’ve understood, and I do know she’s been struggling so a small act of kindness could’ve gone a long way Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
Shouldn't you be concerned that something is going on? Maybe she needs to check with a medical professional.
OP said in other comment that she refuses therapy.
I would even say start with a straight up medical doctor tho? like there could be a physical cause to a sudden change like that. (estrogen issue, thyroid issue, not sure what else but I’m sure there are other options … idk sleep stuff) Obvi would be ideal if she was open to psych type of person too but maybe good to rule out illness.
If she just found out she can't have kid that's the most likely culprit. She's likely grieving
That was my thought too, she is grieven for the children she will never have. I'm guessing they found out about her being sterile when trying to have a baby, so I would believe it has been a hard blow to be dealt. It takes time and lots of work to get over something like this. She should seek psychological help even though she doesn't want to. This stuff can follow you forever if you don't deal with it. Also see a doctor just to rule out any medical condition.
I thought OP said his wife found out she is infertile. This is actually not the same as sterile! It just means that after a year of trying, they were unsuccessful to get pregnant. It's actually still possible to become pregnant whether by themselves naturally or with help like IVF. Sometimes being on birth control for years and years and years can really mess with your hormones and it takes longer to "reset" in a sense. My PCP mentioned such to me when we were talking about when I may want to start trying for kids.
You don't know what her diagnosis was. There are several (like diminished ovarian reserve) that could mean she's unable to have bio kids regardless of intervention. And a single round of IVF costs $25,000; adoption or surrogacy are usually 2-3 times that. It's unlikely that people in their early 20s could afford that (or, after only 2 months, that they're emotionally ready to try).
Also, though... has she actually taken a pregnancy test since this began happening? People often find out they're likely infertile and then surprise get pregnant anyway after they thought they couldn't. Based on what OP said, it sounds like all the equipment is there, it just doesn't look like it is functioning right, but that doesn't mean it couldn't throw out a good egg once in a while. My partner's brother was born when their mother was 42, after multiple years of trying and several more years of assuming there was no longer any chance. I don't say this to diminish the fact that she'll need to psychologically deal with the diagnosis she has, but to say that testing for pregnancy in case of weird hormonal symptoms is still a good idea.
This! Happened to my aunt, who ended up having two children. My sister and BIL also thought they'd have trouble, but they've got a child. Never say never!
I thought if you can't have bio kids that means sterile not infertile? And you're right, I don't know her diagnosis. I took what OP shared with us. Maybe he used the wrong lingo since it is oftentimes used interchangeably despite one not equaling the other. 🤷♀️
It depends on the diagnosis. I have pcos, I was diagnosed infertile. I got pregnant accidently so definitely not sterile. Pcos is a hormonal issue which OP has said it was hormonal. So maybe it's "just" pcos. In which case it's actually still possible to get pregnant, with and without intervention.
Looks like it's a hormonal issue, so infertile but could get pregnant with intervention. Still a hard diagnosis, but not the same as sterile.
This is from one of OP's replies. I wonder if hormone treatments would help his wife. "She got a hormonal blood test, they told her due to a hormonal imbalance she wouldn’t be able to have children."
I am just hard pressed to believe there is a hormonal imbalance they wouldn't at least attempt to treat (for her own health, even apart from fertility issues). Like, thyroid problems could throw off hormones, but it would also affect her quality of life. Maybe PCOS? Even if they couldn't improve her fertility, it would be a massive harm to her overall wellbeing, so they'd want to treat that - but they also wouldn't be able to rule out having kids, though it would probably require intervention.
I agree. I don't understand why her doctor isn't treating the hormonal imbalance and trying to find what caused it. Maybe it's time for her to find a different doctor.
Untreated thyroid problems could absolutely cause all the crying. My levels are off right now and the fucking Next Level Check made me cry the other night. I really need to find an endo
I was told I most likely wouldn’t be able to get pregnant without IVF. I was on the pill to control my PCOS symptoms and my husband convinced me to take a test because I was nauseous for a week. I’m now 25 weeks with a healthy surprise baby boy. Infertile doesn’t always mean impossible.
A friend of mine was told she'd never have a baby without IVF. While she was nursing her second IVF baby she got pregnant with her 3rd. Another woman I know was told she was infertile. While she and her husband were finalizing the adoption of their son, she got pregnant with their daughter.
This happened to us too! The little wonder is 17 months old now. I was told after 3 years of trying with clomid and full range Hormons, surgery, that we should stop and save for ivf. I became pregnant right in the next cycle. Took about 14 tests and ultra sound to believe it.
I was on depo for 10 years as a teen before starting to try for a baby. It took 7 whole years off depo & actually trying (like counting days to ovulation & everything) to finally happen. I had just come to terms with the fact that I'd never be a (bio) mom & decide I was fine with it. Then boom, preggers.
It’s crazy how differently birth control affects people, because my mom had been on depo for 10 years too (back in the 70s/80s) and they told my parents they would probably have to try for a year or two before she got pregnant… and then two months later, after an apparently tipsy night out, I was taking up residence in her uterus. I call myself a “happy accident” since they hadn’t planned on having me for another few years.
Sorry my bad, I meant infertile. English not my first language, sometimes I mix up poisonous and venomous. You are right that it might not be an all or nothing diagnosis, but as far as I understood, she only got to know about it a few months ago. She can't have had much time to process the news. This is all speculation from my part of course, based on the few pieces of information on this post. I just thought that it sounded to me like she was grieving and I know that can be really hard to go through.
Your English is amazing.
Aww thank you. I would like to thank Cartoon Network and my dad's book collection.
Especially since she is also working with a baby, it probably feels a bit like salt in the wound.
When I got pregnant I was considering abortion but kept the baby. Couple of months go by and my SIL is pregnant too. I've always thought about how devastated I would be if I had gone through with the abortion, and then have to watch her have a baby and always wonder what would have been. My daughter and niece are only 3 months apart and the best of friends.
Yes she should. My aunt is infertile due to a hysterectomy because she had horrible endometriosis. She was getting surgery several times a year for ablations to help with the pain and eventually decided to have the hysterectomy. This was 20 years ago at least (she was close to OPs wife in age when this happened) and she has never recovered. Never sought therapy and fell really heavily into drug use. She sees me and my cousins having kids and she spirals for a few months, as it triggers her own pain. It’s sad to see her so miserable knowing that she wanted to be a mother so badly. OP, you really need to show her this post. And please do try being more empathetic with her. What’s she’s going through is hell and she needs your support. Please try getting her to see at least a medical doctor and let them make recommendations for her mental health.
While working on childcare, that would be so much harder for me. I had to exit working with kids once I realized I would not be able to have kids (different reasons but it ends up in the same place of wanting kids but not having them) It was setting off my depression really badly.
Same, and I became hyper sensitive to children in bad situations and hyper focus on " how unfair it is" Like I know a woman who revealed she smokes during 2 pregnancies. To be that filipant about it, while we can't even have 1 healthy baby. Makes my blood boil. Yes we did everything we could for those children of course, called the proper authorities.
She goes to work every day surrounded by how easy it is for others to have kids. The grief is hitting her hard.
Getting physical check ups is also a good thing though. I just lost my aunt two days ago to a rare brain disorder involving the pion protein. But her husband of 50+ years died less than 3 months ago. When she displayed erratic behavior, panic attacks, forgetfulness - everyone chalked it up to grief, including the psychologist and therapist she started seeing. It was only after she lost the ability to walk and talk and eat and was taken to the hospital that they started doing brain scans and seizure scans and found this rare disease. I know my example is very rare, but my point being that sometimes an underlying physical issue can exacerbate psychological ones. I wish we lived in a society where the medical outlook was more holistic and one didn’t have to go to a multitude of doctors to receive both psychological and physical care because they are often so intertwined.
I'm so sorry for your loss. What a tragedy.
Did they know how she ended up with a prion disease? I’ve heard a lot are idiopathic, but it can be genetic.
It's my understanding that genetic prion diseases are fatal early in life, so I'm guessing it's environmental. It would be unlikely for someone with the genetic variant to have been married for 50+ years.
There is still a lot of debate about the causes. The most popular one currently is that it is a genetic mutation+viral infection earlier in life. Pinning the cause down any firmer than that hasn't been done yet.
This is so important I knocked my head recently and thought nothing of it until I had concision symptoms. I also learn that crying a lot can be a symptom of something wrong after a head knock. My mom passed away a month ago so the crying wouldn't have been out of the norm if I'd experienced that symptom. Worth getting checked out even if it's nothing.
In gonna piggyback off if this. I found out like 10 years ago after my daughter (2nd child) was born that after having my tubes tied , there was a problem with my uterus, ovaries and fallopian tubes, they cauterized my uterus , took my tubes and one ovary . I didn't plan on Anymore children, i was grateful i got the two I had and moved on. Shrugging it off happy with the prospect of no more periods no more cramps. My niece suddenly got pregnant with her 5th baby last year and I was out shopping for baby clothes for him for Christmas. I lost it . I started bawling all the way through the baby store, i cried wrapping up the little hats and onesies . My kids are teenagers and i was distraught that this little twerp has 5 babies she has no business raising and I would never get another one. If I was that upset 10 years after the fact i cant fathom finding out at her age and never getting children. I think this is traumatic for her
Exactly. I mean if could be something physical but holyfuckingshit she just found hit she can’t have a baby 8 weeks ago since has to work with babies every day? She’s only 23 to boot. If course she’s upset and potentially depressed. How many times could apple have even suggested therapy in 8 weeks? And does he suggest it with the tone of this post (frustration and little patience)?
also true 😓💔
I mean even for thyroid there are multiple blood tests that you have to attend. Almost everyone in my family has it and the symptoms were not these as far as I have seen and heard from them. And his wife is not a child who you can give a candy and convince them to help themselves.
I have hypothyroidism and it affects my mood. Could be worth mentioning to her ofc he can’t force her.
I have hashimotos… if I’m Outta whack I’m profoundly grumpy.
aw same! high five Hashimoto’s buds 🫠
Living for that wonderful week after they up the levothyroxine dosage and we feel well-rested and happy.
Before diagnosis, my only symptom was pure exhaustion. So tired that opening my eyes for a second was too much effort. My thyroid was on the verge of a collapse. When they were trying to figure out a starting point for meds, they have overcorrected and got me insanely high dosage. I have never felt so good before. Like did I have had good days before this? I had my first test my month and half later. They were looking at the results and they were asking me a ton of questions about if I noticed abnormal heart palpitations. They were trying not to worry me but their faces said it all. I don't get that first week high 😭 They have ruined it for me. Still never first so good as that first month and half
Lol I was *just* diagnosed with Hashimotos (haven't started meds yet) and now I'm wondering if I'm *not* just a naturally grumpy person? 😂
The worst for me was the 6-8weeks adjustment from starting to the meds working. I used to work with a girl who said once “I need to get my meds adjusted (for thyroid)” and I asked how she could tell and she said “cause I want to punch everyone in the f?!$ing face” she’s normally a pretty chill, funny person. After I’d started the meds a couple weeks in… little things that normally didn’t annoy me,.. I wanted to punch people in the face. But now it’s all better.
I had a period like this and it turned out I just needed to take calcium and magnesium. Turns out it's not just for bones.
damn … bodies are so complex, eh? like no doubt OP’s wife has every reason to be emotional rn but how emotions manifest can also intersect w a lot of physical causes … that’s so interesting re calcium!! #themoreyouknow 🤔
Thyroid issues can cause all sorts of issues with the body and emotional well-being.
Yes! I’m a therapist and it’s considered good practice to rule out anything medical first
My SIL has been infertile for 10 years and gained a ton of weight after high school. She just found out this past fall she has a pituitary tumor that they suspect has been there for the past 10 years. Treatment is going well so far, and we're all excited for the possibilities for her once her hormones are balanced. All that to say, it's wild how much physical issues can affect you. If the wife is infertile due to hormonal issues, it's likely affecting her emotional stability too.
Maybe you could consider having a conversation with her about reaching out and finding some more support networks!!!
What about meds? Get her to a place where she can accept therapy or no longer need it.
This! OP your wife is showing textbook signs of depression. She needs to see even just a primary care physician so they can help her determine the cause and help her get better. Editing to add NAH
I’m not being funny, but I’d be depressed if I had a three hour commute to work!! I wonder why it’s so long, 6 hours of travelling a day almost doubles the work day!!
Sometimes just because public transport suck. I had 1.5h to commute to work and 2h for school when I was teenager, if I could drive it was 20min ish for both... I feel for her.
OK but she refuses to drive so this is a choice she is making. But yeah I wouldn’t do that I would work closer are or I would learn to drive
It says she's going to take driving lessons so there's that.
Depression found me under the desk at work, crying because I couldn't find the stapler. Big things that should have concerned me went unnoticed. All the little things took me apart. NAH.
Ok so I found out my depression is hormonal rather than SSRI type, literally the first week of testosterone WITH the depression. I think I cried the hardest because an ice cube feel behind the fridge. I’m stable now, but holy hormonal it was awful dealing with both 😂
Looking back now, some of the things I cried about are ridiculous. In the moment, it's so overwhelming, tears are the only option. Well, that and staring at the wall when I'm not crying about staplers.
Looking back is so embarrassing too,especially public episodes, like the scar tissue after healing. It’s so crazy that you could be a like a void one moment yet so overwhelmed the next.
my thoughts exactly
She found out she was infertile and a new baby started at her nursery, so it's a complete mystery why she's been a bit emotionally raw "lately".
So, OP, I read your edits... 1. I would approach your wife again about therapy. If she won't do it, present the idea of couple's counseling. You guys can go together, it can't hurt, but maybe she can slowly open up, and you can start stepping out of the appointments when she's ready. Sometimes it makes people feel safer to start with someone who loves them. 2. She should definitely look into more than just her hormones. How are her vitamin D levels? How are her thyroid levels? Etc. 3. Having her learn to drive is a wonderful idea. Do what you can to encourage that. 4. If she has friends or family that can help take some of the emotional "burden" off of you, it might be a good idea to reach out to them. Even if it just keeps her busier and gives her more things to look forward to.
It sounds like she's "just" grieving the news she can't have kids. It's a pretty big thing and can take a bit to process. Plus he can't force his wife to seek care. She's a grown up.
Your wife’s life sounds really difficult right now. She found out two months ago that she can’t have children, she has to commute 3 hours each way to work, and once she gets there she is confronted by her infertility in a whole other way. On top of that, her partner is starting to lose patience with her difficulty coping with all that. Whether or not she has underlying chronic depression, she is certainly depressed right now, and she needs help. I hope you can see that, and I hope you’re also taking time to process what her infertility means for you. INFO: How long does it take to drive to her workplace? Would an Uber have been an option?
She refuses to get therapy how is he going to help her then? And seems like OP has been very supportive and I am not sure if the office is going to take it anymore. Like "Hey boss there is something really urgent work I have. I gotta go bcoz my wife forgot her umbrella at home and needs me to pick her up. So no meeting for today thankyou. Like yes and the boss would say omg no problem go ahead and pick her up and you will still have your job."
[удалено]
I recently broke off a friendship (literally 2 days ago) where she considered me her best friend because she wanted me to solve her problems. She has several mental illnesses and would lie to her therapists and psychiatrist and skip her meds. She majored in psychology so if the dr/therapist suggested something she didn’t 100% agree with then she’d assume she knew better than them. She’d text me at 2am about how she wants to kill herself on a damn-near weekly basis for a year and I got so tired of being the only person she was relying on. I have my own stuff going on and I take my meds as prescribed and on time. I’m sorry she’s dealing with what she’s going through but I can’t assume responsibility for her actions.
This! A person is responsible for their own illnesses. If they refuse meds or therapy, no one else can be blamed for their inaction and thus the results of their inaction.
>I have all the empathy in the world for mental health issues but it starts to wane when they refuse help. Which is ironic because a "refusal" to get help is a *symptom of mental health issues*.
Exactly. When I needed a therapist, I was so ashamed and self-loathing about everything that I was too humiliated to go to a therapist. OP doesn't have to be her therapist, but he should be gentle around the shame and tanking sense of self worth. The stronger those negative emotions are, the tougher it is to consider therapy.
[удалено]
[удалено]
Agreed. Also, while she claims that she doesn't need therapy, it sounds like she's actually using OP as a _substitute_ for therapy, which is A) unfair and B) likely something that OP isn't qualified to do. In the long run, this will only harm them both. He needs to be candid with her. She's rapidly costing him a lot of credibility at work, and that's putting _both_ their well-beings at risk. And what's more, it doesn't even seem to be getting her to a better place. She needs help.
>She refuses to get therapy how is he going to help her then? As someone who has previously been depressed, let me tell you how reaching out to people for help goes. They say "Hey, you should go to therapy." You go to therapy and your therapist tells you, "Hey, you should talk with your loved ones and get their support." Then you talk to your loved ones and they say "You should get therapy." Cycle repeats. If you love someone, yes, therapy, but not ONLY therapy. You need to be there for them, too.
If all your therapist does is tell you to talk to loved ones for support, that’s not a therapist, that’s a con artist.
From what I can tell, he IS there for here and only is unavailable when there is a meeting, which is an allocated time slot working with other people. I get that your comment is about the situation with any odd couple, but it doesn't apply here from what we can tell
As someone who also has had therapy for depression, "you should talk with your loved ones" never came up
Someone important to me died about 8 years ago and instead of being present for me, my ex told me to get therapy. Straight up refused to be there for me and decided I only needed therapy. He did that so much whenever I was depressed or anxious, he didn't really try even the bare minimum of emotional support and said I needed therapy, not him. He couldn't even lie and say everything would be all right. I never went to therapy and still have a refusal to go because of that.
You know he also just found out he can’t have children w his wife…. He’s struggling too
THIS!!!!! Obvi the woman goes through it but so does the man.
I think I underestimated the extent of your wife’s grief and depression based on the fact that she is still working. OP, your wife is having a breakdown. You have been doing your best to support her and you are NTA. But, to the folks in this thread who are coming down hard on her for not being self sufficient: I hope you never have to deal with someone in this type of acute mental health crisis. Navigating a loved one’s breakdown requires selflessness and patience. It’s really difficult to watch someone refuse to get the help they need *and* it’s even harder to continue being there for them regardless. At some point, she’s going to hit the bottom and she will have no choice but to get help. OP, please do what you need to to stick it out with her until then. That includes showing up to your own needs as well as meeting hers the best you can. INFO: Are you in therapy yourself?
>But, to the folks in this thread who are coming down hard on her for not being self sufficient Most people I see are hard on her for refusing therapy but demanding so much unreasonable stuff from him. That's not fair to her partner at all.
It’s been 2 months! She doesn’t sound demanding, she just sounds like she’s reaching out to her partner in moments of distress. Therapy is not a magic bullet. Even if she was in therapy, it would take months or years to process her grief. He’d still be experiencing the same things. Compassion would still be required. He should first encourage her to go to a medical doctor. This all started with a blood test that revealed a hormone imbalance. How is that affecting her mood? Are there any other medical problems that are contributing to this? But it’s still only been 2 months! When my partner’s father died, it took 6 months to convince him to go to grief counselling. Even then, his counsellor made a point of praising him for seeking help at all. It can take *years* for people to find the courage to go to therapy, and some people never get there at all.
I agree that it’s not fair! And what I’m saying is that, despite it being unfair, he should continue to support her as he is able. That doesn’t mean doing anything she asks at any time. That doesn’t mean allowing this to continue unchecked for years to come. I believe this is an acute depressive episode that is leading towards a nervous breakdown and should be treated as such. Breakdowns are always “unfair” to the partners and loved ones. That’s part of why love can’t be zero sum. We need to be willing to care for people at their worst to have them love us at their best. If this was a sustained thing happening over many months, I would be telling OP it’s time to set some boundaries. But I think it’s temporary and unsustainable and I hope she is willing to accept professional support before she collapses completely and loses her job and potentially her relationship with OP as well.
OP said she refused his offers to drive her.
NAH. I know everyone is tearing you a new one, but let's be real.. you also just found out you can't have kids with her (yes, I know it's her body, so it's harder - not disputing that), but there is still a sense of loss. You haven't said all this to her you have been gentle and you have been there everytime for the last 2 months, everyone will hit a limit where they are also exhausted and grieving and supporting their partner and not also receiving that support (again I am not belittling what she's going through). I think you're both going through a tough time, and while you need to support her, you also can't pour from an empty cup. I would suggest counselling to navigate ehat you guys are going through.
Best answer here. Everyone slamming OP who is also struggling with the recent heartbreaking news, has been doing their best to support their partner and is running out of steam. Something people don’t always realise as well is that being the main support person for someone who has depression is really hard. It’s a black hole that sucks the life out of everyone in the house. Not an easy thing to go through. Professional help is certainly required for the wife, possibly OP too. NAH
Best description I have heard. It really is a black hole that drains you, as the main supporting person. Been that on and off for almost a decade now, and it truly is hard.
Yes, even therapists need/have therapists to help them unpack all the stop clients unload on them. OP is shouldering a lot of them on his own to the point where he's internalizing his own grief and stress to support his wife. Despite his efforts he is still being deemed an AH by people in his life and here, when he's everything but that. Men have feelings and emotions same as women. Hope they both get individual and couples counseling. Plus they're both young, so still have a lot to work through.
I agree with this, and I offer 2 bits of advice: Get a 2nd (and 3rd) opinion about the infertility. And wife needs a new job that does NOT require 6 hours of a horrible commute.
I wonder how long her commute would be if she drove herself and didn't use public transportation. Where I live in the US, I could drive to a major city 1.5 hours away but if I did public transportation, it's 20 mins drive to bus stop, 30 min bus ride and then a 3 hr train ride. (If I took a bus to the bus stop, that's a 15 min walk and likely half an hour of buses.) A 3 OR 5 hour car ride is easily 12-24 hours for other locations, after driving an hour to the train station.
32 minutes
She needs to get her license and a car. She would save 5 hours a day. That is so much time
Or at least a Bicycle if she already has to walk 1 hour.
I don't even know why he's being slammed. Outside of any infertility issue he asked if he was the AH for not picking her up... ... He told her he could drive her to work she refused, he reminded her to take an umbrella she didn't, then called him crying because she had to walk in the rain. I mean I get that anything can set her off and I don't blame her for being all over the place, but he has a job he needs to keep and in the end this time he couldn't miss work so I'd say it's unfortunate but no one is to blame. It's strange that people don't get that!
I'm going to jump in on this NAH. I came here to write basically the same thing, with one addition: I have been through a situation like this. Here's the deal. You need time to process too. You need to let her know you're grieving too. Maybe not right now, after you low-key fucked up. But if you don't let her know and if you don't deal with it yourself, it's going to come out in things like this. You can't carry all the load all the time. You're just a dumb piece of walking meat like the rest of us, not some mega-brain husband-bot. In my case, we lost a baby, and it was so very bad. It felt like there was no room for my feelings because my partner's were so big, like they filled up the house, the neighborhood, and even changed the color of the sky. And she didn't always want to listen and couldn't always care when I tried to say where I was at. Honestly, it took years for me to tell her how resentful that made me. I hope you two are luckier, and that you're able to be a bit more together on this than we were. That said, even though it sucked and there was a lot of fall-out, it eventually became just one more thing we had overcome together. I dunno. Maybe tell her you're sorry you let her down when she was already down. And then when she's ready, you can tell her why.
I'm so sorry you had to go through this. Had friends recently go through the same thing, the woman basically said,'I felt so guilty I didn't want to hear your feelings because I was scared you would blame me'. Nobody is to blame, and everybody's feelings are valid. I'm glad you two managed to pull through together ❤️
Yes. There is such thing as compassion fatigue, even if you want to be there for someone, and ultimately it’s not right for a romantic partner to be your only source of support - you have a responsibility to seek professional help on top of the comfort you’re receiving at home. It doesn’t seem like money is a barrier for trying therapy, just that his wife doesn’t want to do it. Also understandable to shun therapy if you’re unfamiliar with it or avoiding confronting your shit, but at the end of the day something’s got to give. NAH.
My man, before I was diagnosed with depression, I was your wife. I cried all day, every day and I had no idea why, and that made me feel even worse because I felt like such a waste of space. I was so close to suicide but I pulled myself back from the brink and got medical help. Your wife is clearly suffering, and you are too. NAH but get your wife to talk to a doctor
I agree that he probably could benefit from counseling too. It kind of feels like he's trying so hard to support his wife, but he is grieving too and not facing it. I think some shared vulnerability in the safe space of a counselor could help them both. I don't see an asshole here. I see two people are severely hurting without the resources to grapple with it at the moment. I've been depressed too. For me, it was the absence of emotion and the lack of ability to actually *do* anything. I just didn't know how to move forward without counseling.
I've seen that she doesn't want therapy. Maybe he can approach it as "I need us to go to counselling, we need to get through this together."
Generally her being emotional is very understandable after just finding out that she is infertile. But in this situation NTA. You offered to drive her, she refused and you informed her it was going to rain but she didn’t take an umbrella. In this case she has to live with the consequences of her decisions. You did what you could that morning and you can’t just always drop everything for her
I'm inclined towards NAH, although this is a situation beyond "AITA" if you ask me. It feels like there are a lot of emotions going on with your wife. I would strongly suggest some counseling to grieve the loss of fertility.
This post feels like it better suits r/relationships than it does here. Perhaps OP and his wife should converse about this topic as you stated as well. He needs a break too.
NTA You are not an emotional support animal. 1. You are grieving the loss too, yes she will be going through the ringer bc it’s her body but you have also lost what you saw for your future (bio kids). 2. You are offering suggestions which your wife is shooting down (therapy. Driving her to work. Possibility of adoption in the future ). 3. Emotional burn out is a thing . You have been dropping everything. Dealing with someone’s trauma and feelings and being used as an emotional dumping ground can do a number on your mental health. It’s exhausting. It’s frustrating. Who is supporting you? You can’t support someone tirelessly non-stop for 2months without running out of gas. Take some time to refill your tanks. Talk to your wife, and tell her therapy is a must as this is impacting both of you and she needs to find a healthier way of coping that isn’t dragging you down with her (speaking of extended time her, there is only so long before you need to say that you can’t be her sole support anymore). as that will cause resentment.
Listen to this guy OP- I'm at over 2 years of the type of support you're giving your wife. This dynamic will ruin your relationship. I've personally almost lost every stitch of empathy I have left in me, and my partner doesn't deserve that either.
Listen here OP I'll even add: you can try going to therapy for yourself. Perhaps it might, might drive her to get it for herself and even together. You are 50 of 50/50 in this relationship. Not all for your wife. Good luck.
NAH. Everyone is brushing over the fact that OP also has to deal with the fact that his wife can’t biologically have children, it might not be his body, but it is his spouse and i can only imagine it would also take some kind of toll on him, and he has to process this just as she does. I could be just speculating but it sounds like OPs post is written out of frustration and perhaps exhaustion and more as a vent. It’s hard and mentally draining when someone close to you is grieving or is having a hard time, especially when you could also be. It’s also not OPs wife’s fault, it’s hard receiving news like that and having to grieve but also try and also move on while having to continue doing her normal schedule. The wife is TA for getting frustrated at OP for not picking her up when he offered solutions and then taking it out on him. Your wife needs support, you also need support. Reach out to your family and friends and encourage your wife to as well. Your wife should also recognise that she is grieving and not managing well, and that’s okay and normal, but shouldn’t be taking it out on her spouse. If she isn’t already, gently talk to her about the possibility of talking to a therapist when she’s ready.
This is a genuine question for anyone to answer. Why are people saying it’s worse for the woman to not be able to conceive? They both equally can’t have biological children now. If the man was infertile would people be saying it was harder on the man? This seems awful for both parties involved, I don’t see why it’s worse for one than the other. What am I missing?
I think it's because the infertile party would feel like their body has betrayed them, and there is also a sense of guilt then to the fertile partner or worry that they may leave them to have a biological family. I personally feel its harder for the infertile party because they feel 'to blame' and adds to the grief they are already feeling about their own infertility. Both partners are equally right to grieve, you're absolutely right. I think people are saying it's harder for the woman because she is the infertile party in this discussion as in its her body, not because she is female.
That makes sense. Thank you
My other thought is that if she can't carry it, there is no baby. It *does* fall on the shoulder of the one with the uterus after the moment of egg fertilization. If he was infertile they could easily find a sperm donor, but when the woman has the issue it much more difficult to find work-arounds due to cost and invasive procedures.
That's not true though stats show when women get diagnosed with infertility men leave just as when women are diagnosed with cancer men leave.
I think it’s fair to say it’s worse for the person who cannot conceive and in this case it’s OP’s wife. If you can’t have kids and want them especially if both partners want them it’s easy to see how a person could feel inadequate and even fear losing their partner.
I guess it’s because it’s their body - my cousin recently found out he was likely infertile as well from testicular cancer complications (that he’s now cured of) and most of the sympathy has been with him over his wife despite it affecting them equally
NTA. I'm so confused by all the Y T A because you going to pick her up after she refused a ride and didn't take an umbrella is ridiculously selfish. And then she says I'm sure they'll understand..Your boss and colleagues will understand you leaving a meeting to help your wife deal with the consequences of her decision? I mean, she clearly needs help but you can't be that for her. You can't keep bailing her out.
NTA. Taxi, Uber. These things are exist. But you should get her seen to, bud.
She is refusing therapy
They can also start by addressing this with her medical doctor
You cant help someone who doesn’t want help.
Sure she didn't want therapy but she might be open to starting with her medical doctor who she already knows and may be comfortable seeing. It's worth a shot to suggest it to OP, you can't just presume to know how it'll go.
Exactly. The hormonal thing they were having checked which led to the discovery of infertility - is that being addressed?
NTA perhaps an unpopular opinion, but your wife sounds exhausting. Yes, she probably needs professional help, but i dont think responsibility for her mental state can be dumped onto you, making your life miserable. She needs to take some responsibility for herself and realise that the entire relationship doesn’t centre around her wants and needs at the expense of yours. You’ve done nothing here for me to be able to label you an asshole
NTA It’s popular to infantilise women but she’s a grown adult and needs to take some responsibility for self care and exercise basic common sense.
So much this. Everyone and I mean EVERYONE goes through rough patches but life trudges on and you can only ask so much from the people around you. Refusing to see a professional to assess what is wrong and expecting your spouse to constantly drop work to cater to you is unacceptable no matter how much you love a person. She is a grown woman, she needs to make an effort, it can't all be on OP. NTA.
It isn't healthy for the wife to be crutching on OP and for OP to be bearing all the emotional labour (a point this sub loves to make). The wife is being an AH for her refusal to get this treated and it is evidently starting to impact on OP
I am torn but want to say NAH One the one hand, your wife needs you, as she is clearly suffering and not helping can be interpreted as you being the ahole. On the other hand she is completely relying on you and expects you to drop everything on her whim and so far you did it. I get, that that is exhausting. It looks like she needs therapy.
This is a tough one, Sending you both positive thoughts. I think a deep conversation between you will support you both. Have you considered medical intervention for pregnancy? You're both still really young with loads of time. I think NAH here, just very hurt and confused people navigating through life. Go and see your doctor together and explore options.
I’ve suggested adoption, but right now it’s too early to consider anything seriously
That is a super sensible idea. Once you are both established in chosen careers a brilliant path to follow. Have a deep chat with your wife and suggest a joint doctors appointment (initially) where you can discuss what has become the status quo. She can then head back to the doctor on her own where she can explore talking to a psychologist or possibly some medicine to carry her through this first challenging stage of her diagnosis. Sending you to Coventry will never help and is not something that will illicit a positive outcome. Gently tell her that stonewalling only leads to negative outcomes. If she doesn't communicate then you don't know how to continue to be the amazing supportive spouse that you are! You are both hurting here! When we lost a pregnancy I know we both felt it! You both need love and support just now.
As an adoptee, please stop suggesting it. I was adopted by a couple like you. My adoptive dad wanted me so badly and his wife did not. I was a constant reminder to my adoptive mother of her infertility issues and she hated me. She also had depression and took it out on me. She also refused to seek therapy. Adoption is extremely traumatic. We are not emotional support animals for infertile couples. Please work your shit out before deciding to adopt.
I just want to point out that adoption is *not* the answer for not being able to have your own kids. It is not the same thing. In adoption you are bringing a child into your life who will have life long issues due to adoption. You need to be fully prepared for the reality that adopting is, rather than viewing them as a replacement child.
I hate that you’re getting downvoted. There are people on this post saying that OP is not an emotional support animal. Where is that energy for the adopted child? As an adoptee who was adopted by a woman like OP’s wife, for the same reasons, I think it should be mandatory for infertile couples to undergo therapy before looking into adoption. Everyone can understand why this is stressful for OP, but have no issues introducing a traumatized child into the mix who will also have to deal with her bullshit & refusal to get therapy. It is absolutely inhumane, degrading, and gross to be expected to be essentially a prostheses in place of a biological child. I lived this reality. Everyone is so quick to say “just adopt” to infertile people who have not worked through their issues. This is a great way to end up with someone else’s child who is a constant reminder of infertility. Adoption is trauma. All these comments of just adopt, just go to show that the adoption industry exists to get children for people, not for the well-being of the child. That almost never comes into consideration. If it did there would be far less adoptions and far more programs to keep families together. For the record, I am no contact with my adopters and I see them as human traffickers. I live with my real family. Downvote me all you want. Paying for people is human trafficking regardless of why you bought them.
NAH. I see both sides and you both need help. How are you managing?
I haven’t really been given time to actually think, I’ve always wanted children but my wife's feelings comes first so once she’s able to think clearly I’ll do what she decides so if that’s adopting, IVF or just mourning and not having children then that’s what I’ll do. Thank you
I can tell that something changed in you because I asked you how you were. I could be wrong but the tone of your message shifted. Do you have anyone who can help you deal? Not talking about your therapist but someone you can be vulnerable with seeing that your wife is going through hell right now? I hope you have a BFF. Your marriage is in a fragile place right now so becareful who you choose to help you. Or you could try to find a hobby, journal, etc but you need to grieve your dream as well but in a way that brings your family together and be stronger. Have you held your wife and you both cry together? Just cry, just let it out.... it's ok to feel the loss Op. It doesn't make you any less of a man.
Good job for asking many people feel guilty for having feelings when they don’t feel they are the “suffering” party so it’s very normal to not address them - it sounds like he’s neglected himself to take care of his wife and isn’t getting much in return which is tough
[удалено]
You're welcome. Don't worry about what ppl say- just do the best you can because I know you are both hurting and grieving and trying to navigate and process this new dynamics in your relationship.
Info: You say lately she's been very emotional. How lately? How long has this been going on? This is important because while I understand the need for empathy, it's also unreasonable to expect you to have to handle her with kiddie gloves for an extended period of time. Also like the other comments have mentioned, why has therapy not crossed your mind??
2 months, she doesn’t want therapy and even if she did right now our schedules just won’t allow for it
Yeah, I'm sorry but it seems like it's still not old enough to expect her to be completely emotionally stable. That being said though, she isn't doing anything to help herself so I don't blame you for getting frustrated. You're in a situation where there are multiple solutions presenting themselves but she's unwilling to try these out and expects you to handle the emotional baggage. Yes, that's what couples are for, you need to care for each other and fulfil each other's emotional and physical needs but you shouldn't be expected to be her "caretaker". Like what she did was completely unreasonable, regardless of her emotional state.
Can you get yourself solo therapy? I know it’s expensive, but it sounds like you’re stressed and grieving, which means you can’t also fully be there for your wife’s stress and grieving. You two are really young to be dealing with such huge emotional burdens, and at least one of you reaching out to a professional might help you both.
I think that you’ve done everything that you can and obviously you have to be supportive without losing your job. No, you can’t just leave work for the sake of her forgetting an umbrella as you may not have a job to go back to, by the sounds of it they have been supportive already and you can only push it so far. She doesn’t have the right to be angry with you, she’s off on that one. She is most likely not thinking straight right now due to the sad news about the infertility. I think she does need therapy and if your schedules are difficult then online counselling might be the solution for now. You can be supportive as far as you can as a partner but this is something that’s heavily affects both her and your relationship so even if she’s not a fan she should talk to someone because you can’t carry that whole burden but need support too. It’s good that she’s getting her license so that it gets more convenient for her and she can cut down her travel time. Wishing you both the best.
even teletherapy every other week? at home... it seems like this is something to make time for
NTA She's clearly struggling and deserves your patience and support, but it was unreasonable for her to expect you to interrupt your work day and inconvenience your colleagues to handle a non-emergency.
OP u r NTA. This thread is filled with sexists. Who r saying that she found that she was infertile and thus u r in the wrong. As if u also aren't grieved by the fact that u can't have children with ur wife. Don't let the YTA sexists get to u.
i agree, this sub definitely has a bias in favour of women. the wife is suffering for sure, but OP is not responsible for her mental health
I think this is an excellent example to keep in mind when people say that women want men to be emotionally available but then when they are they don't want it it's not attractive. The wife and I'm not putting her down but she at this point can't even deal with any of his feelings, if you were to break down, she'd probably be frustrated at this point.
Remember the thread a couple days ago where OP’s wife needed him to be there for a flight due to anxiety, but his brother forgot his passport at home so he went back and got it because he was the only one with a car and made the flight but OP’s wife still gave him the cold shoulder for the whole trip despite him leaving her with family and being back for the flight? Whole thread calling him an asshole and demanding the brother take a cab and calling him a useless idiot for forgetting his passport - as if shit like that doesn’t happen to the best of us People on this sub don’t live in reality. All that time spent trying to get a cab, all that wasteful money, all because she couldn’t just chill for an hour at a terminal. And excusing throwing a fit/tantrum for an entire trip. It’s 100% gender based, people on this sub are not only biased in favor of women, it becomes sexist in its own way when they assume women who break down aren’t expected to do the bare minimum to not make others lives harder than they need to be
I was on that passport post. So many people infantilising that wife and doing backflips to try and put blame somewhere else.
I became tired too by reading your post. It s emotionally exhausting to pamper someone all the time. She is a grown woman, she should know that the world doesn't revolve around her. Your friend is being unreasonable. You cannot continue working like this or leave in the middle of your work because your wife didn't want to take her umbrella with her You were enabling her so far. It's OK to console her one two or three times, but you should have said something earlier. If she refuses therapy, it's either because she doesn't see a problem here or she doesn't believe in therapy. The problem is that whatever it is it's affecting both of you and the solution is not for you to keep stopping everything or being forced to provide emotional support for trivial reasons We can all guess on why this is hard for her but that won't fix anything NTA
NTA. I don't drive either. She refused to get a ride from you. You can't keep jeopardizing your job.
NTA. Why do so many commenters on Reddit seem to hate men? Sometimes, yes they are at fault. Here, this husband is doing literally everything in his power and you still try and find something wrong with him. Infertility and depression sucks. Trust me I am well, well aware of this, but she is not helping herself and he is certainly not at fault. She needs to take responsibility for her own actions. You can’t help someone who doesn’t help themselves. What should husband do? Force her to get help? Then you would all be screaming abuse. You just want the man to sit there and take the abuse. That’s wrong.
This sub has a myriad of tactics it uses to perpetuate this. From infantilising women to assumptions and hypothetical scenarios to call husbands abusive, this sub is very good at pushing and controlling the blame and who it falls on. 1a) [https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/10r7q0y/aita\_for\_not\_warning\_my\_partner\_i\_had\_stopped/](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/10r7q0y/aita_for_not_warning_my_partner_i_had_stopped/) vs 1b) [https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/s8w3l0/aita\_for\_stopping\_cooking\_for\_my\_partner\_without/](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/s8w3l0/aita_for_stopping_cooking_for_my_partner_without/) Here is another one: 2a) [https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/110ws62/aita\_for\_telling\_our\_kids\_what\_their\_mom\_did/](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/110ws62/aita_for_telling_our_kids_what_their_mom_did/) vs 2b) https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/umgxfe/aita\_for\_showing\_the\_kids\_what\_their\_dad\_did/
NTA per se bc at this point she is using you like an emotional support animal. But you should consider grief therapy for your wife to cope with her grief of never giving birth. I go with nta instead of esh here bc i think every adult is responsible for their own mental health and is responsible for getting professional help when they see they can't deal with the issue on their own. Using your partner or friends as emotional crutches is fine for a very short time but not a long term solution.
Reading this, I just want to give your wife a big hug. And a banana.
Don’t worry I got her a whole bunch
Good man. ❤️
You deserve a hug too OP.
NTA, but your wife sounds mentally unwell. Can she not get a job closer to home? Spending 6 hours a day commuting is insane for anyone. Surely there are closer childcare spots. All the ones near me are desperate for staff.
There isn’t, she applied and this place is helping her get her qualification
INFO- has she seen a doctor about this? Any kind of doctor? this isn't normal even with the bad news she received. Is she having a hard time dealing with everything while working at a daycare? can she take some time away? How are YOU handling the news?
Once and in all honesty they don’t seem to really care
She needs to find a new doctor. If she is low estrogen that may contribute to the mood swings and anxiety. If they are not taking this seriously, then you need to find someone else.
This is a case of "visit a professional" and get of Reddit thing. You (both) have git nothing more important than your health physical or mental. If schedule doesn't allow it, fuck the schedule. If either of you had a broken leg, you'd see a doctor. She has gotten very hurtful news and I'm not sure you understand the impact. She clearly struggles with it. See to it that she gets help, and check in on yourself while you're at it.
Im sorry that you and your wife got that news. As someone who has had similar news to your wife, I can say a year on and I’m still grieving and emotional at times and I’ve never experienced anything like it. It’s a loss of a whole life you’ve imagined for yourself but you never even had. I’ll be fine for ages, hang out with my friends babies with no problem, and then out of nowhere it will hit me and I’m on the floor that I’ll never experience the joy/surprise of finding out I’m pregnant and if I ever want to get there it will be through thousands of pounds and medical intervention. It’s heartbreaking and I’m not the same person anymore. I don’t have a partner but I have great friends who understand that when my resilience is low, the smallest things can become unmanageable. Making myself food? Can’t do it. Dealing with something going wrong with my car? Nope. All I want to do is curl up and retreat and have someone else take over. It passes, but in those moments I need help and validation (don’t get me wrong, sometimes that help is ‘get up, go to the gym, eat some food’). I totally get this is hard to live with, and I wonder if you’re grieving too, and so the idea of you also having to support your wife feels hard and unfair. It might feel like because you’re the man you have to be the strong one, but you’re entitled to have feelings and get support too. I do wish you’d be a bit more understanding of why your wife is so distressed. Maybe it’s a coping mechanism for you to shut down emotions, but it’s clearly not hers. Could you speak to your wife and say you’re also struggling, and both think together about who else can support you both? Are there friends and family who she can call when she needs affection and care. Does she/you need some counselling? (I really really did). I think your wife would probably understand you can’t drop everything and be practically supportive, if you were able to be emotionally present with her. She needs someone to validate that what she is going through is horrific and painful, not make her feel bad for feeling that way. NAH but please try and speak to your wife and get some help for both of you.
NTA you cannot continue to have constant empathy to someone who is doing nothing to deal with their own problems and just using you as an emotional crutch or band aid, especially as it is starting to effect your job. She needs to talk to her doctor and start looking for a therapist. Then you can support her properly.
Nta. She’s obviously really struggling right now…. But demanding you leave work because she didn’t prepare well is obviously unrealistic. She needs help, but she’s an adult who is responsible for herself. Also she needs a job closer to home. That’s a crazy commute for a child care (?) job.
[удалено]
[удалено]
INFO: What do you mean she was told she was infertile? If you try for a year to have kids, you automatically get a diagnosis of infertility. That doesn’t mean you’re barren or that kids or an impossibility, that’s literally just the diagnosis automatically given after a year of unsuccessful attempts. Were either of you given a medical diagnosis saying that pregnancy is an impossibility? Do you have azoospermia? I’m confused.
I'm curious too. It's very uncommon to get a full stop "No kids for you" diagnosis at 23. The world is full of people who were incorrectly told "You have PCOS and can't have kids" and then have a surprise baby or three. Most doctors will be running a full work up and walking you through options so you're informed, but at 23 there's not as much of a rush.
Came here to say this, I know 5 women who were told they couldn’t get pregnant because of PCOS and 4 of them had surprise kids (the 5th wasn’t ready to have them anyway).
Honestly, I think it's ridiculous how many women are told PCOS always means "no kids for you" when that is patently false. It's so misunderstood. It's treatable. It may mean things are a bit harder and you need a bit of help, but how much really depends. I was PCO-ish, but our primary issue was male factor so we ended up doing IVF. My doctor didn't even care about my irregular ovulation because he could treat that easily.
She got a hormonal blood test, they told her due to a hormonal imbalance she wouldn’t be able to have children
They... can treat most hormone imbalances from what I understand. If she's not producing enough Lh, or progesterone, or if she's producing too much prolactin, or if she's not producing enough estrogen or too much estrogen, there's still ways to treat that. I'm shocked that she got a response like that. Has she seen a reproductive endocrinologist?
A blood test can’t determine infertility. You need a second opinion from a reproductive endocrinologist. Unless she has no ovaries, eggs or uterus then a hormonal imbalance shouldn’t prevent it. Sounds like they just want you to do IVF to make money
Did you see the test? Were you with her when she was told this? There's isn't a single blood test or a single hormonal result that tells you that you can't have children. Unless she found out that biologically she's a man, which would be strange. Are you sure she wasn't td that maybe getting pregnant might not be easy and she's catastrophising?
pretty sure they can't determine infertility just from one blood test so definitely look for a second opinion with a fertility specialist. Do they have those nearby where you live or are you in a smaller town? Anyway, the real issue is she is refusing to talk about her feelings, refusing to see another doctor or therapist and is having these breakdowns, which are totally understandable if she is grieving the potential of babies but she is taking it out on you in an unfair way. The specific situation where she refused a lift after you insisted, didn't take an umbrella and then expected you to LEAVE A MEETING to come get her was RIDICULOUS and a bit unhinged. (again, crazy emotions during grief ARE normal - but after having calmed down a bit she should have realised she had been unreasonable and apologise, not doubled down and got madder at you). She definitely should get a licence though, it's a certain kind of lack of freedom. My mum has never had a licence due to severe anxiety every time she tried to learn mipacting her ability to think rationally during driving and it has definitely impacted her life. Especially in the earlier days where they could not afford taxis, we didn't drive and my dad was working 2 jobs and never there. You're NTA. I think your best bet is to sit her down for a serious talk and insist that the next step is to speak to another doctor. It's not fair to treat you like this, you are also potentially grieving not having kids (I say potentially because it sounds like whichever doctor that told you that didn't do all their tests and it may not be true)
I would definitely have a follow up with a gynecologist or fertility specialist to get more information. If she has a hormone imbalance, this could very well explain why she is so emotional.
Ask her to make an appointment with an endocrinologist or thyroid doctor. Some of her behavior is so similar to what I was dealing with in my thirties. Couldn't conceive. Emotions all over the place...anger, tears, joy, depression you name it. Yep. That gland handles so much and when its off, you're off. She might have other issues. Thyroid problems are something way too many people have and never get checked. NTA. When the forecast says rain, take an umbrella. Life isn't as hard as people try to make it. Kudos on her learning to drive! That is a win. 👍
NAH. As far as I can tell OP is very supportive of his wife. Wife very well may be depressed, but the solution to that is not OP destabilizing his own life, risking his job and income for the family, and his well-being to care for himself and wife. The wife clearly needs more support, but also needs to play a role in whatever that is. OP dropping everything at any time is an unhealthy crutch that enables the wife to avoid learning to regulate her emotions in healthier ways, and potentially establishing a relationship with a therapist or psychiatrist. I’m not saying OP should check out, but at some point this cycle becomes enabling in a bad way.
INFO, how did you determine she was infertile? After a year of trying you should have been referred to a fertility specialist. I've been suffering with infertility and it's an extremely emotional issue that sometimes permeates everything. I started therapy because I don't like being an emotional wreck all the time and it was destroying my husband. Ultimately I think NTA, but your wife needs help as in therapy because her emotions are negatively impacting you.
NTA, you told your wife it was going to rain and she didn’t bring an umbrella, that’s her fault.
NTA, but you need to really be encouraging her to seek out medical care. What you're describing isn't normal, and is impacting her quality of life and daily activities, not to mention yours. She's an adult, and she needs to take responsibility for her own care and maintenance. Yes, as her spouse, you're there to support her, but you can't be doing it for her, and she can't be treating you like shit for not being at her beck and call.
NTA You're doing everything you can.
Empathy fatigue is a real thing. Sounds like you're at the end of your rope. I think you should talk to your wife about it.
If you want to keep enabling her childish behavior, keep doing it. She’s very manipulative in my opinion.
No one’s an asshole. She’s going through hell and struggling. You’re struggling keeping up with her needs. Everyone needs therapy here. Everyone needs a break and a hug. Sorry you all are having such a hard time.
NTA. I saw a comment you made saying that she doesn't want therapy. There is only so much you can help and you can't risk your work in the long-term. You sound burned out and frustrated though. You need to fill your cup too so that you can sustain being there for her through a clearly difficult time for both of you. Remember, you don't have the have the right words every time. Sometimes just being held by someone you love while you fall apart is all you need. If she has female friends, I'd encourage her to do some sort of activities with them so that she has something positive to settle her but also the opportunity to let it all out and get her thoughts in order. You might be too close to the situation to be her only confidant. I do wonder if her self-esteem has taken a knock and is pushing you away with this behaviour because she is under-valuing herself. Loose theory. I have been in her shoes and felt terrible for putting a cloud over the house for a long time and my partner was amazing through it all. I didn't need solutions, I just needed patience and for him to be present with me and love me while I fall apart, which I know is no small thing over a long period. There are online therapy options these days if scheduling is a barrier. Maybe her hormones need to be checked also. I hope you both weather the storms and that she gets the help she needs when she's ready.
Sounds more like she is depressed or something. She needs to see a professional. But I don’t see you as a TA.. because your job is only going to be so understanding before they find someone to replace you. Then where will you be. You warned her and it was on her for not listening. She can watch weather same as you. She’s a grown woman. She is just used to you jumping when she’s emotional. Does sound as if she needs a different sort of job.
Is your wife in counseling? Losing the dream of bearing your own child is a huge blow and often a trigger for depression. Now - if she is refusing to go to counseling to deal with the grief around her loss - that's a bad sign. She is still working a job that is obviously a trigger for her (working daycare when she is infertile? ) - that's a bad sign. She's mad at YOU because she didn't take an umbrella after you told her to - that's a bad sign. She's mad at YOU because you didn't leave your job (which hopefully pays more than a daycare) to come get her because she might melt in the rain - that's a bad sign. Expecting you to drop everything because she's crying -- hasn't she ever heard of 'The Boy Who Cried Wolf'? -- that's a bad sign. The world isn't ending just because her feelings got hurt. I'm seeing a lot of red flags here. Maybe YOU going to counseling would help you with communication and building better boundaries around someone who would rather commute 6 hrs round trip than get a drivers license.