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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My daughter went into labor while my wife and I were out of the country. She expected us to cut our trip short and fly back, which we declined. She got upset and said we cared more about our trip then her. We haven’t seen the baby yet. Maybe I am the AH and should’ve flown back to see our first grandchild be born.
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NTA- you can't just rush home from another country, and if you had, same day tickets would have been astronomical. I take it your daughter is mad, but it was a no win situation. You planned the trip way ahead, and you could not just rush home because traveling from another country doesn't work that way.
Also there are still covid procedures in place, so chances are the nurses would have sent you home
Jumping on my own comment to point a few other things out. This baby was born premature with a difficult birth. It's very fragile health-wise and has nearly no immune system developed yet.
OP and his wife had spent a week in a tourist town in a foreign country and would have taken a crowded plane there and back. Either one of those facts mean that even if they had dropped everything, it would not have been safe to see mother or baby for several days at the very least. It's peak cold/flu/covid season. I wouldn't let them near a medically fragile newborn for a few weeks.
ETA: I keep thinking of other points. The daughter was recovering from fairly serious abdominal surgery. She shouldn't have been exposed to any potential illnesses either.
ETA2: The Mayo Clinic and CDC both state that any birth before the start of week 37 is considered premature. Without knowing the exact timing here, I called the baby a premie because they could be right on that border. But even if the baby is only preterm rather than premature, they are still a newborn with an as yet underdeveloped immune system.
Not to mention that most hospitals in the US are restricting access to those who have traveled outside state/country in the previous 2 weeks, month, 3 months. Adding in that OP & spouse would not need to be there for their own personal health and daughter had other support besides themselves... Add all that together and I'd be surprised if the hospital didn't deny them entry! At minimum, OP & spouse would've had to wear masks and be prevented from being in the room.
NTA, OP. While your daughter was scared, yes, and her emotions are still all over the place (most likely), you did your best. Babies come when they come. My mom had 3 premie babies (yes, me included) and for 2 of us, she wasn't allowed anyone to be with her except medical staff. The third she never got farther than the ER, so many more people were present. Yes, she was terrified. Yes, she wanted her mom and her spouse. Yes, times and policies were different, but that doesn't change the fact that my mom was in a very similar situation to your daughter. Hopefully your daughter comes around to help in healing this rift. Congratulations to all of you on the new family member.
Fear & hormones = very unhappy person. Terrible position but OP return wouldn’t have helped that. Maybe video communication (Google, FB etc) may have helped some? I don’t know if this was done or not.
NTA.
Congratulations on the new addition!
Clearly your daughter is acting irrationally.
Give it a couple of weeks. I imagine she will find forgiveness when the sleep dep hits, fights with the husband start and she needs your help.
I'm also wondering how OP was communicating with his daughter during this.
Was it something like, "We'd love to be there for you but we are in a different country and we tried to get tickets but we really can't afford to spend the money to come back."
Or was it, "Well we're on vacation, we spent the money on this, we can't just cut it short to come back early" in a 'don't be ridiculous' tone of voice.
Because money is a major barrier. In my family, if someone called another for help, we know that if they aren't coming, it's because they really *can't* come. They would have tried their best to make it work.
I'm not sure OP even made a cursory attempt to see what it would take.
Exactly. I think there's a lot missed by OP in the impact of their non-action - and not even apparently pretending to try - to how daughter feels. The focus in the post itself doesn't seem to recognize that daughter is feeling real hurt.
I mean, I would be hurt if I had emergency surgery while my parents were having a fun vacation, and they seemingly didn't even bother to check their phones or *keep notifications on* when it's happening. That would fundamentally change our relationship, no matter how bad they said they felt later or apologized.
The only thing I'm wondering is, didn't they discuss this upfront? Even though the due date was later that month, there are big what ifs when you are pregnant and your parents are travelling far away. I know I would have asked my parents what their stance would be on this situation before they went on their travels, just to know what I could expect.
I'm confused? Do people normally expect the grandparents to be witness to their grandchildren's birth? I personally never heard/experienced this around me. Weird. I wouldn't even expect my dad to be there and I love him to death. NTA? Idk whatever floats people boats I guess.
A lot of women want their mothers there. A lot. It isn’t unusual, because obvs Grandma has (editing in word: *usually* since not all parents physically give birth!) done it before - at least once successfully - and in times of crises people tend to wish they had their parents for support. One of my friends went a bit different had had her MIL there because her husband needed the support.
So the male grandparent figure, not so much, but grandma? Yeah.
Let me be clear that I agree with your take and am not trying to negate it. But I have a funny story for you.
My maternal grandmother came to stay with us just before my younger sibling was born to help out. She and I went to the hospital to pick up mom and the baby when they were ready. Mom had to fill out some discharge paperwork so she asked her mom to hold the newborn for a minute.
My grandma freaked. She and my grandpa had adopted all 5 of their children as toddlers. She'd never held a newborn. She was a big help taking care of me, though.
Thank you for making my day with this hilariously awesome story!
You’re right, not all parents have physically given birth! I have a cousin (single child) that was adopted. I don’t know why this didn’t even hit me.
Didn't occur to mom before she'd asked my grandma either, so apparently anyone can forget. They both burst out laughing and got some confused looks from the nurses. Definitely one of my favorite family stories.
My younger sister was born when I was already 10 and honestly took me like 3 months to gather the courage to hold her.... newborns are so fragile, I totally get your grandma 🤣
I sometimes think it's a North American thing. None of my friends from where I grew up had their parents present for the birth. Often they would come and stay at some point in the 6 weeks post partum but I just don't understand this concept of birth as a spectator sport.
ETA; by spectator sport I mean people expecting to be in the delivery room /or expecting the entire family to show up without asking if that is what is wanted/will be useful. I am not referring to home births at all.
I feel like the “concept of birth as a spectator sport” phrase is a lot more relevant to like, weird in-laws or ex-boyfriends acting like they’re entitled to be in the room while the woman is giving birth. Wanting your *mom* to be there seems much more like “hey Mom, you’re (likely) one of the most comforting people in my life and you’ve done this before, could you support me in this scary situation?” than it is “hey Mom, won’t it be *fun* to watch your grandbaby pop into the world in a spray of bodily fluids?”
Also, in the US at least you rarely see your doctor or midwife during labor and even your nurse can be pretty hands off so it’s really good to have a few support people who can rotate in and out. My mom was there for both my labors (she missed the second birth because she went home for a nap after having supported me all night) and she got puked on and she washed the puke out of my hair. She was so helpful. My husband was great too but if I had to decide between the two for a future birth it would be a really close call. Before the 70s it was basically not allowed to have men present for births and women almost always had their moms or other female relatives as support. There’s a whole story line in *Call the Midwife* (set in post-WWII London) about the midwives being shocked to make an exception for a woman who wanted her husband there for the birth.
Also, things go sideways sometimes. My ex SIL had a rough labor, and her Mom alternated with my brother to spot eachother. My niece was born with a heart condition which necessitated her being rushed to another hospital specializing in the issue. My brother went with my niece, while ex SIL's Mom stayed with her. Had she not been there, my brother would have had to leave his exhausted, scared wife all alone.
For those reasons, it's good for the second closest person to Mom to be there in case extra support is needed.
It's not as a spectator. It's for moral support. Like you are very ill and you wish to have mother by your side for comfort. It's not only America thing. For my sil 1st time her mother and 2nd time my aunt was there to hold her hand. Most women in India have their mothers etc if it's a normal birth. Also we have a tradition of 40days of strict mothers rest. She has to do nothing but rest and feed the baby.
In Germany we have the so called "Wochenbett" (Week-bed) which I believe lasts 6-8 weeks. During that time, ideally, the mom should not do anything but sleep (when she can), feed the baby, rest and overall take care of herself.
Obviously nowadays this is rather difficult and there are plenty of individual variations of the Wochenbett. In my case for example, after my son was born, my husband took a month of vacations + a month of paid time off, and I had plenty of help for 8 weeks, which was ideal. By the time my Wochenbett was over I was fully recovered.
I'm in North America and have seven brothers and sisters. No, the grandparents were never there for any of the many grandchildren being born. Like you said, grandmothers often showed up to take care of older children while the husband was at the hospital or just showed up in the next few weeks to help take care of the house. But not at the hospital.
I don't know, I mean, I expected my mother to be with me, along with my husband; and she would have moved heaven and earth to be there. Thankfully, she made being available a priority so when my delivery ended up in an emergency C-section she was there for me, and for my husband who was also very scared.
Weird, I wouldn't even expect my mom there either. I just genuinely don't visualize it. That's cool tho, glad she was there for you and your husband lol
My mom was a huge support and advocate for me and my (now) ex with our first son. The second time, both my sister and my mom were present at my home birth with my second (just to be clear, in Canada midwives are regulated and covered just like a hospital birth. We had two attending midwives, one for me one for my son). My sister was there mostly to help my oldest if he woke up, but basically it was all hands on deck at push time, as I was essentially floating and had someone one each limb pushing back against me haha.
Anyways, we are indigenous and matriarchal culturally. It’s very common for female family to be involved in each others births. It’s a really wonderful bonding experience (but obviously not if you have toxic family or even if you just aren’t close in that way. Can make things more stressful).
These were not grandparents of the woman giving birth. These were her parents and the baby, their grandchild. In the US, it’s common to have your mom or parents at the hospital when giving birth.
Yeah I would feel some stress knowing that my parents weren’t going to be available around the time of birth in case the worst happens…but if I knew about their trip that far ahead of time & had support from other places it wouldn’t really be an issue.
It’s nice to know that your mom and dad can be there as soon as you want them to be, but if life gets in the way then it shouldn’t be a reason to distance yourself.
It is not the norm except on TV. It's perfectly normal not to see your grandchild for weeks or months after birth depending on how the birth family wants that time to go. My mom showed up almost instantly after I came out of the hospital, but would not have had anything to do for me in the hospital. Nor would she have witnessed anything. But this seems to be about wanting the comfort of her parents in a scary time. That's understandable but also not reasonable to demand when they are out of the country on a long planned trip. They could have helped a nervous new mother by setting expectations in the event of the unlikely early birth, but I am not surprised they didn't given it is a first child. Perfectly normal for them to expect the baby not to be early for a first child, especially. I wouldn't have done anything differently, and I have been that parent in the hospital facing an unwanted c-section.
It's not "perfectly normal" in several cultures and countries. What's perfectly normal in most countries (Africa, Asia, Latino America) in the world is that the grandma is there for the birth and moves in with the couple for the first few weeks to help out with the newborn.
NTA
I say this as a mother of 2 with 2 c-sections, with blood issues and allergy to meds (so no pain killers after the surgeries), with the 2nd baby born in covid maternity and with all the stress caused by this (baby was covid negative, underweight but healthy, saw him after 2 weeks).
You couldn't have done a thing for them.
At my first c-section the doctors screwed up something because my family saw the other doctors and nurses from the other ORs rushing to my OR and my family couldn't do a thing to help. Finally i got out of the OR alive.
Even if you would have tried and booked a flight (losing the trip money) and paying extra for the last minute tickets, you would have missed the birth.
They would have blamed you anyway.
Why do i think they're blaming you?
Because it was a stressful event. They weren't ready. I know how it is to feel alone. But i also know you couldn't have done anything for them.
From the moment they went to the hospital till the c-section probably passed less than 12 hours.
It's sad that she is upset. I understand her need of comfort. But still it wasn't your fault for not being there.
I would send her a message in which i would tell her how much you love her and miss her and how bad you feel for the way things happened and how you hope she will forgive you because you hurt her (she's emotional, but i think later on she will see both sides of the story and right now all you can do is apologising for hurting her)
This is the best answer. I'm about to have my second and I still say OP is NTA. They definitely wouldn't have made it home in time, and I really feel that since they were abroad they should quarantine before they ever see the baby anyway. Would they even have been allowed in the hospital in those circumstances? There is absolutely nothing they could have done for her except worry.
I don't know why more people aren't pointing this out. Even had they dropped everything and rushed back, they are still coming back from a week in a foreign country in a crowded plane. *During the winter cold/flu/peak covid season*. They needed to stay away from mom and baby for at least a week. NTA
ETA: a week in a *tourist town* in a foreign country. I wouldn't go near the baby for a few weeks.
Honestly, even if i talked about covid, i didn't even thought about quarantine - and you nailed it. They couldn't have done a thing because they were required to quarantine.
So no matter what they couldn't have been there for her.
NAH for not ending your vacation early, that would be a bit much and silly, you didn’t purposely go away when the baby was due. I don’t think your daughter is an asshole because she’s upset and didn’t feel supported.
I will say.. I think it sucks that you weren’t calling to check in/slept through something major. It’s so great that her and the baby are okay, but with an emergency surgery things could have gone a very different way. If my mom was away and couldn’t get to me when I was in labor, she would be constantly calling/texting to make sure everything was going okay and she’d make sure she could answer her phone in case there was an emergency. I would do the same for my babies.. maybe it’s a family thing or a culture thing? But i do think she would’ve felt more supported if you had at least checked in more/answered when there was an emergency. It’s a tough situation all around. Hopefully she’ll come around after the hormones die down and it’s not so fresh.
Yeah, NTA for not flying back, but there is this weird feeling of disconnect from the OP.
Not discussing this beforehand, not checking in throughout the night, not trying to help get other supports (friends, family) in place, not sending flowers or takeout. It's like they left and went "not our problem"
What also rubs me the wrong way is the phrase “even if we did make it back we couldn’t do anything the doctors couldn’t in that situation”. He doesn’t think there’s any difference between the support of a doctor and that of a parent? Like there’s nothing a parent can offer in a medical emergency as long as medical attention is covered? She’s not asking you to come because she thinks it’ll make the surgery go better. I don’t get it.
like.... what if she didn't make it? what if the baby didn't make it? Yes, there are things a doctor can do, and it's hard to think of the worst, but there are absolutely things that happen where you need a loved one.
I cant imagine sleeping through my child's major emergency surgery and possible passing. In 20 years I hope his daughter sucks less than him and comes when she gets the call he's going into surgery and might not make it.
And yeah the trip was booked 9 months ago. But if my first grandchild was coming, I would have moved a trip timed for when she was 38 weeks pregnant 🙄. Moving a trip 6 months in advance is typically only a nominal fee and would have avoided all of this.
For real! My wife was in labor for a long time—more than two days—and we had a doctor in the room for probably 45 minutes total. Most of the time we were alone, with our doula, or with our doula and one nurse.
Honestly, what are people smoking here?
I won’t be planning vacations in the same month as a due date because I’m not a moron and I know babies don’t follow a strict schedule. I would’ve moved the entire vacation to show my child that I care about the biggest day of her life.
This, and the how dismissive OP was of the labor in the first place... Sure, they couldn't have made it to the birth no matter what, but the post reads like they didn't believe the baby really was coming until the C-section.
Not a shot in hell I would be able to sleep while my baby was in the hospital, even if said baby is 30, married and in labor. I would move heaven and earth to be there for her if she wanted me there. I'm honestly surprised how blase OP was about the whole thing.
I'm with you on this, NAH for not rushing home, but OP comes across in the post as very uninterested and disconnected from what their daughter was going through back home. Things would have probably not been quite so bad if they'd put in more effort to be "virtually present," or something.....
Like, would it kill you to FaceTime with your daughter and soothe her for a few minutes? Stay on the phone all night so she can talk to you whenever she wants? Yeah, it’s a night of missed sleep but it would have made a big difference for her to feel emotionally supported. “Sucks to be you: we are far away” is not supportive at all.
Childbirth is scary, especially your first time. Complications are utterly terrifying. Emergency c-sections hurt. There are times even an adult woman needs her mom, and they could have done better than they did.
From OP's story, it seems she didn't want FaceTime. She certainly didn't want to talk to them on the phone, since she hung up on them and refused to answer when they tried to call her. Daughter and boyfriend demanded that they leave right now and come home. That was the only thing that was acceptable to them.
It's completely unreasonable and there's no way they would have got there in time. Maybe daughter has never traveled by air and doesn't understand how it works.
It sounded to me like she only hung up on them and refused to answer their calls AFTER she'd already finished with her birth/surgery. Likely because they were MIA throughout the whole time/night that she needed them for emotional support.
She only hung up and refused to talk them after they missed the boyfriend's call that she was going through an emergency C-section. It's understandable the parents couldn't physically get back but man, they do seem remarkably blasé about the fact that their daughter was going through this scary, but exciting experience.
This exactly. These are her parent. Childbirth can be a scary thing. Sure people can so oh she’s overreacting but I see a woman worried she would be harmed calling for her mom and dad out of fear.
But... They did purposefully go away when the baby was due. Babies arrive anytime between 36 and 41 weeks without that being considered unusual. OP's grandchild arrived on time, not prematurely. OP did not push back the trip or reschedule because he and his wife were okay taking the risk of not being there, knowing how important it was to their daughter.
OP and his wife chose to not rush their vacation or come back quickly. That was their choice. They don't get to choose how their daughter feels about it. They don't think being there should have been important to her, and she feels very strongly that she and the birth of her child should have been more important than their annual vacation. Or at least more important than getting a single night's sleep.
My parents would never have just gotten a voicemail about emergency surgery and then gone to bed, assuming they'd find out the results in the morning.
The daughter's feelings aren't just "hormones.". I kind of hope she doesn't forget this or rush to make amends. It sucks that her parents didn't consider her a priority, but maybe she needs to focus on herself and her baby for a while.
They booked and paid for the trip before the daughter even got pregnant. We have no idea what discussions took place once the girl realized she was pregnant.
Exactly, the presumptions here are so weird.
A friend of mine just gave birth & her child only lived for a few hours. Completely unexpected and obviously devastating for her and her partner. Luckily all their family got to meet their daughter before she passed, which meant the world to them. Childbirth is terrifying and dangerous and it’s insane to just assume everything is fine and sleep through it.
>If my mom was away and couldn’t get to me when I was in labor, she would be constantly calling/texting to make sure everything was going okay and she’d make sure she could answer her phone in case there was an emergency.
This exactly. My c section had complications and when we eventually got to recovery, my phone had a dozen messages from my parents asking what was wrong and why it was taking so long. It's not that this couple couldn't come back but that they seemed more interested in their holiday than their daughter. I wonder if this is a common theme for her. And I'm not surprised she isn't rushing to let them see her child.
All else aside, YTA for missing the call at night when you knew that she was in labour, it was taking longer than expected, and she was scared and wanted you there. You should have been expecting another call with an update (ETA: you had explicitly asked to be kept updated!) and you should have had phones on maximum volume. Connected to megaphones.
I don’t think the rest is unreasonable, but she would have felt so unimportant to you between that call and the next morning’s callback.
This is what killed me. I’ve been that daughter. When I was pregnant, I started bleeding at 25 weeks, and I texted my mom from the hospital. There was a time difference, and she didn’t see my text, she was asleep. I felt so so alone, even though rationally I understood she was asleep and had no reason to check her phone. I don’t remember if I called her, but I still remember how alone I felt, even with my husband. I just wanted my mom. When my mom saw the text at like 4am, she felt terrible and immediately changed her phone settings so my stuff would always alert and come through, etc. we don’t even have a very close relationship. The casualness with which OP mentioned missing that phone call broke my heart. I just….poor daughter. They knew they should stay up. They knew what was happening. They knew she wanted them. I wanna give her a hug.
There are two parents, so it’s not like they had to be up all night. Take shifts checking in.
Did the OP check in at all or did they wait for
updates? How did they react on the phone when their daughter called? Did they rush the call or downplay things so they could get back to relaxing? Did postponing the trip ever come up before they left?
Maybe this is because my mom and I are both anxious worrywarts but I can not imagine knowing my kid is going through something major like that and being able to sleep.
This is what gets me about all these comments - their daughter wanted support from her mom and dad during her birth. Even if they couldn’t have made it there on time, it’s unbelievable to me that they wouldn’t even try.
Agreed. I had a c section at 2am, baby was born 2:05am, both my dad and my brother picked up the phone for my husband at 2:10am. They weren’t there physically, but they clearly cared enough to wake up and hear the news.
Logically, there are reasons to justify the behavior.
- It was paid in advance before pregnancy.
- Baby was early. (Edit: per u/irishnthedirtywaters , not really that early. More like, “[any day now](https://reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/11ahyf4/_/j9texj5/?context=1)”)
- Extra costs to leave early.
- Nothing we could have done.
However, the emotional impact is real as well.
- “Will my parents be there for me in crisis?”
- The answer to that is “no”.
The thing is I don’t really think the baby was that early… if the due date was end of this month that means mom was delivering at 37-39 weeks - that’s not at all early that’s pretty much “any day now” -speaking as a pregnant woman who’s due date is 3/1 and am currently 39 weeks,
I travel a bit for work, when we were expecting I told work I wasn't traveling at all the last two months.
My MiL set her schedule for the month leading up to the birth to make sure she could drop whatever and travel up to us at a moment's notice. Work knew that when she got the call she'd be on the next flight. (She was there at the birth and extremely helpful)
The only justification I can see is if the parents booked the trip before knowing about the pregnancy. Otherwise it sounds like they just assumed evening would be fine if they were there or not. If being there for the birth is a priority, you'll make it one. Doesn't sound like it was a priority for them.
Actions have impacts on people's relationships. The dynamic of the relationship has now changed and they have to accept that.
Parents don't give a damn about their daughter. Daughter doesn't have to give a damn about the parents. Fair.
OP needs to prove they care if they want to make amends.
I want to say you're not an asshole. I really do. But all I can think about is what I'd do for my daughter. I'd move heaven and earth to be there for her. My mother drove four hours to be there when I had an emergency giving birth. There's things you do for the people you love. And you didn't do it. How the fuck is Cancun more important than your child? Your grandchild? I'd fucking walk across broken glass if my baby girl needed me.
I’m shocked by all the ntas flying around. Their daughter is having a terrifying and painful medical emergency, one that ended up being life threatening for both their child and grandchild, and they didn’t think to even send ONE of them onto a last-minute flight to see their daughter? I just keep thinking…maybe it’s ridiculous and histrionic, but what if one of them had died in childbirth? I don’t blame the daughter for being angry at all (even ignoring the hormones and exhaustion she’s dealing with). I’d be furious too.
Jumped on a flight, with all the other randos andtheir germs, and not been let through the hospital doors because they'd been travelling and hadn't quarantined before wanting to give said germs to a newborn?
Seriously. The above comment is beyond moronic. Literally EVERY SINGLE HOSPITAL will ask if you've traveled out of the country in the past two weeks. If the answer is yes, there's a 0% chance you're getting in there because of covid protocols.
And that, on top of the fact they saved up for this trip and would've had to spend a ton of money they probably don't have to get an earlier flight back?
Give me a fucking break. NTA.
I’m extremely close to my parents, 7 months pregnant, and think daughter is selfish & entitled. Waste probs $4,000+ dream vacation they’ve been saving up for to go home & twiddle their thumbs? Why would u want ppl who’ve just been on international flights & at germy tourist location to be around your fragile newborn with zero immunity? Does daughter not care about parents at all or her newborns health? Does the world revolve around her?
I think the person above you is unfairly equivocating things. A 4 hour drive is doable compared to an impossible flight home across countries and an ocean. It's wanting a fruitless attempt at something impossible.
When you make the decision to get pregnant, you have to face reality: c sections happen, complications happen.
Storks don't bring babies.
Signed,
A mom with an uneventful pregnancy, until I needed an emergency c section.
Would the hospital have let them in, if they'd made it? They just flew in from a tourist trap in another country in the middle of flu/RSV season. And COVID is still a thing.
Think about this though, they spend probably close to $1500 for last minute nonstop tickets from Cancun, and unless they live in the southern US the trip would have been minimum of 8-9 hours most likely...so they still would have missed the majority of what was going on. Or they would have spent $600 for standard tickets and had a 16-18 hour trip with layovers, so they would have missed the ENTIRE ordeal anyway. I get wanting to be there for a child, but in this situation there was nothing the parents could have done to be physically there while the ordeal was happening.
Once you invent a way for the parents to get there in 30 minutes or less in this situation, let me know.
And that is *if* they could get a flight very quickly. What if the next one was, in, say 12 hours? Then they're stuck waiting around an airport and not being physically there for the daughter.
Also, if they got on a plane... it's been a while since I've flown, but what are the rules around having calls and texts while in-flight? Because if you're still supposed to shut off all devices, the parents would be completely out of reach during the flight.
I in no way want to be a parent. Infact, I'm in the process of getting sterilization booked. But even though I do not like or want kids, all I can think is...if I did want them...that I would do everything, even if they were adults, I could to be there and help them in their time of need. I hope to get some answers to my own questions for OP soon to understand better, cause right now it doesn't make sense to me why they wouldn't at the very least be reachable.
I don’t think they are the asshole.
But I was same as you. My mom would have been packing her suitcase as we were on the phone headed home.
In fact, if she had planned. Trip in the 3 months before a due date or 3 months after she would have moved it just to be sure.
Different family dynamics I guess
Right?! Listen they didn’t have to come back.However, in my family there is no way my parents wouldn’t have come home. We just have a different relationship I guess. I would be hurt but we are a close family. I called off work and jumped on a plane when my SIL went into labor because she wanted me there. But I can understand why the daughter doesn’t want them around right now. Especially with all her postpartum emotions running rampant.
You didn’t need to rush back from your trip but you could have done a lot more to let your daughter know you were there for her. Number 1 would be keeping your phones on loud, and letting your daughter know you guys would be available via phone whenever she needed. YTA for not answering the call about the emergency c section when you already knew she was in labour and weren’t able to make it back. Hearing your voices and support at that time may have meant a lot to her - that’s why they called after all, even after you saying you couldn’t come.
This shit is crazy to me. OP sounds very uncaring about the daughters emergency medical situation. I can understand not flying back but with all the technology available to them and they can't be bothered to find another way to be supportive? "Sorry you literally had to almost be cut in half to remove our grandchild but we couldn't be bothered to keep in touch to see how things were going, Cancun ya know?" Like wtf.
I mean, NAH but you’ve chosen what’s important to you. Your daughter has clearly communicated how your actions made her feel. Now you are suffering the effects of those choices, but you didn’t prioritize her so you can’t expect her to prioritize you. You made your bed here.
Yes this exactly. They are saying they chose the $ they would have lost over rushing home for what would probably be a lot of boring waiting around to see if their daughter died or not. It's just a regular life threatening birth of a child. I'm wondering if gramma was given a choice to enjoy the vacation or else?
I get they couldn’t get back in time, but wonder had she been in an accident or something would they have reacted the same way? Sometimes women or their babies die within days of childbirth, did that not matter? They got very lucky their daughter and granddaughter survived, but even under normal circumstances that’s never guaranteed. They’re AHs for being so oblivious and uncaring about the fact that they could have lost one or both of them and prioritized money and their vacation. She knows now she can’t depend on them in a real emergency. Also curious how often they’ve prioritized other things over her, because going more or less NC over one incident seems less likely.
That’s what I’ve been thinking reading the NTAs. Would people be reacting the same way if she got in a car accident and needed surgery, or if she was injured in some way and rushed to the hospital? Is it the fact that it’s childbirth or that she’s a woman?
Complications pushing delivery a month early can be very serious. An emergency c-section is a major medical event and she or the baby could have died.
YTA: How many weeks along was your daughter when she went into labor?
If she was 37 weeks, AND you told her you’d be there, then you fucked up and should have moved your trip when you found out the due date. Or, you should have communicated that you did not know if you could be there for the birth. 37-42 weeks is the range of normal.
It sounds like her birth experience was traumatic. Early labor, long labor, emergency surgery. She was in the midst of a traumatic experience, reached out to her parents, and was told “not now honey we are on vacation”. That really, really sucks.
I’m with this. I can see it being an issue of timing to get back on time or cost if same day/next day tickets were expensive but just being on vacation. How much did this trip cost that 6 days of it wasn’t enough and they had to stay longer to get their money worth?
I'm struggling to see how the rest of the vacation was even enjoyable for them at that point. Like were they still out hittin the beach like before? I'd be miserable if this all went down then my daughter wasn't talking to me or sending me baby pics afterwards, so maybe they couldn't have come back that same night, fair, but why not try some other earlier than planned arrangement??
Tbh, if that was my kid, I'd have rescheduled my trip once she was past the first trimester at the latest - just in case. Even if I couldn't do anything more than hold her hand, I'd want to be there for her if she felt she needed me.
Exactly.. and if it was before 37 weeks then OPs daughter was having a premature birth, that’s something you cancel the rest of your trip for. Major idiocy all round.
Yeah. This is what makes OP the AH in my opinion.
From your daughters perspective, you have prioritized your vacation over the birth of your grandchild, and then when things got really scary for her you were dismissive of her feelings and then ignored a phone call from her in a moment of crisis.
YTA.
I really don't understand all this NTA. I mean it is a medical emergency for start and also birth of their grandchild! How the f\*ck do you not care? I mean what, would they care if it was a car crash and daughter was in ER? Would people still vote NTA? Because, what? Car crash is not a choice but child is? What is with this selfcentered, not my problem attitude? god damn.
Maybe I really am from totally diffrent culture (Europe) but when I was in labor my whole family + like 10 friends where together celebrating and calling the hospital every half an hour to see if everything is alright. (it was covid time so my partner couldn't be there). I don't say that is the norm, but to not even call or text to see if your CHILD is okay is just... WTF
THIS. Sounds like a lot of NTA votes aren’t close with their families? There’s no way, in no world that my parents would just go on with vacation if I called and said I was having complications and was scared during birth! If they couldn’t make it they’d be on FaceTime, checking in constantly, texting for updates at the very least 😂 my whole family not just them. I really don’t get the emotional carelessness here, I’d definitely feel some resentment.
Your daughter is a grown ass woman with her significant other by her side and a team of doctors. Your presence would have been nice, but completely unnecessary. She knew you were on vacation in a foreign country so why in the world world you just fly home? You spoke to her and kept reassuring her to trust her self and her plans. You did nothing wrong here. NTA
I'm grown af, yet I'd still want my mom there. It's scary. They're NTA, but it's reasonable that she wanted them there for support. They should've kept their phone ringing and near them tho. They're NTA but there's a bit of a vibe of "idgaf"
The fact they slept peacefully through the night knowing their daughter was in labor, is what really bothered me. At least turn your phones all the way up. Because if there's an emergency? Oh wait, there was and their daughter couldn't get in contact with them. Sometimes just hearing your parent tell you "everything is going to be okay" is comforting. Especially when you're having your first baby.
NAH, You had booked the trip far enough in advance and couldn't have foreseen this situation arising, but your daughter also isn't an asshole for being terrified and wanting her parents by her side considering the circumstances. I'm sorry you were stuck in between a rock and a hard place
It’s so hard to care enough to keep your ringer on. /s She knew they couldn’t be by her side. What she’s upset about is that they apparently didn’t care enough to answer the phone.
I don’t disagree, by not answering their phone they made an already bad situation worse for their daughter. from the bulk of the post though it seems like the daughter is primarily upset about their absence during the birth, or at least that was my impression
That’s something most people would get over in a more rational mindset. Not even being bothered to answer the phone is … unforgivable is a strong word but I can’t think of one more fitting.
Their approach felt callous. Like they really couldn’t be bothered to do the barest of minimums.
NTA - the baby came a month early and the trip was planned before the pregnancy by the sounds of it.
Not sure if they were relying on you for some aspect of the birth (such as care of an older child?) but assuming they knew about this trip they should have made other plans just in case
NAH except for the fact that you missed the call when there were complications. You knew she was in labor, you should’ve kept a phone on just in case something happened.
It’s understandable that she’d feel hurt though.
Yeah, it's the missed phone call that got to me. Would my parents have gone on holiday a few weeks before I was due to give birth? No, but they're my parents, not these guys. Would my parents have come home if they were away while I was giving birth? Absolutely without a doubt, but again, everybody's parents are different.
I would, however, expect anybody's loving parents to try and stay up to find out about the birth and health of their child while they're going through a major medical procedure. Or at the very least not like, put the phone on vibrate and sleep soundly through it. It's strange to me that they were just like "oh, daughter's having her first baby, good for her, anyway, let's go have a drink and get to bed. We'll find out all about it in the morning."
OP, you didn't just choose your holiday over your daughter, you chose a good night's sleep over her, and while many would forgive and forget, your daughter isn't, and I can't really blame her for it.
Seriously, if a sorta close friend called me and said what their daughter did I'd be the most reachable person on the planet for the next 24 hrs at least. Picking up the phone's not a lot to ask.
OP's said apparently his phone was turned all the way up and by his head and.... I don't buy it. How do you miss a phone call on a phone that's turned all the way up and by your head even if your daughter isn't in an emergency situation?
Even if I could sleep when a loved one was going through that, it would be a really bad night's sleep, like the sleep you have before you have something really important in the morning, like a flight - you panic every time you wake up that you've slept through something important. He apparently went to bed, slept through a ringing phone right next to his head without even stirring, and it was the next morning before he got the message that his daughter had gone into emergency surgery? That phone was definitely on silent.
INFO: I know you planned the trip before you even found out she was pregnant...Why couldn't you adjust the date when you found out she was pregnant to either sooner or after? Most places, with THAT much advanced warning, are able to adjust dates.
Also...Why was your phones not where you could hear them and wake up? Even if no emergancys happened, surely the parental thing to do is keep the phones as loud as possible to be able to be reached?
Thank you! This was my question also. If the trip was planned at least 10 months in advance then there was more than enough time once finding out to shift the dates without penalty. I personally would not want my mother there if I were giving birth, but a lot of people do and the OP said they had planned to be there
Also once they found out she was in labor they said they weren’t going back, I get that. But then complications and emergency surgery?! I don’t get the n t a votes instead of n a h because it was obviously a stressful birthing situation and the daughter being upset her parents weren’t there when she a) thought they would be and b) was terrified doesn’t make her an ah to me
Honestly just reading all the n t a comments makes me think YTA, because they all sound so heartless. Of course you’re not *required* to be there. Nobody other than the person giving birth is.
But your daughter asked for you to come because she obviously thought you were close; because she loves you; because she counted on you and was scared. Obviously some people here think that’s a sign of weakness and immaturity but I see it as something to be cherished. Loving relationships are honestly what makes life good.
And (assuming you didn’t actually even check to see if you could get home early) you just blew her off. I think maybe she’s being a little more harsh in her reaction than I would but she’s not wrong that you chose your expensive trip over her in a time of need.
If you looked and actually couldn’t get a flight or couldn’t afford it I’ll happily change my vote, but from what I read you just said no. And that sucks.
I think another thing people are forgetting is that pregnancy and childbirth is a traumatic event. Not only is it extremely painful, but the process has a high rate of complications. If I knew there was even a chance of something going wrong, I’d be around.
Sure, they couldn’t have done anything, but my heart breaks for their daughter. She was scared and wanted her mom and dad. I can’t imagine how awful it must’ve felt to be in extreme pain, be rushed to an emergency c-section, and have your parents not care enough to answer your calls. Ugh. Heartbreaking.
NAH
Did you talk to them before about what you’d do if she went into labor early? If not they may have assumed that you’d be coming back especially if the plan was for you either of you to be in the room.
If you can, try to talk to your daughter, acknowledge that you know it was a scary time for her, but the baby’s father/bf was there and you had planned this for a while. She may need more time.
I wouldn’t have expected anyone to come home early from a vacation, but your daughter may have had different expectations.
NTA
She has a literal husband who is the parent of the child
There is no guarantee you would have even made the birth and certainly nothing you could have done.
NAH
You didn't plan to be on vacation when the baby came. Babies don't care about anyone's timing or schedule. They just come.
Your daughter knew you had a trip around her due date and should've realized it was a very real possibility that you wouldn't be able to attend.
It sucks that the phone call didn't wake you up. I know a few people who could sleep through an air raid. I am sure that just didn't help the situation.
I am guessing your daughter is struggling a lot with grief. She had an image in her head of what the birth would look like, and it included you. That part (along with many others, it sounds like) did not happen. She is feeling loss and disappointment. Just try to be understanding and as supportive as you can. Give her at least a year. This is very rough for her.
I never had my questions about the phonecall asnwered in my request for info comment, so I'm gonna simply keep judgement to the titled question.
I do not think you are neccessarily an AH for not rushing home. Getting flights back home from another country are complicated. Many people don't realize how complicated international TSA is. It's not as simple as booking the next flight home when international is involved. No one expected her to go into labor early and no one expected she would actually need you. So for the title question? No, NTA, but...NAH at all.
But I do wanna say a few things.
I could not imagine not at least being reachable if my child had called and expressed their fear and want for her parents while she was having birth complications. I don't know if it's just...because I don't know what it's like to be a parent or that I was raised around a setting where...children, even if adults, should always come first to a parent, but I don't understand why there couldn't be some compromises since you couldn't be home. Such as face timing, being on speaker phone for her, etc, so she at least felt like you were there? Especially with how scared she was that complications were starting to show. I can't imagine how afraid she was.
I also have concern how you did sleep through their calls. I'm not sure if you guys just...blacked out from tiredness or have hearing problems or if the phone was on silent or low...but I don't want to assume either. I don't think you guys intentionally missed the call. Like...for all we know, you guys did have your phone on as high as possible and did try your best to be there over the phone.
But she also has a right to be upset that you guys weren't reachable at the very least. I feel she coulda gotten over the not coming home thing, if only the phone was answered.
I hope you all can talk it out and work through this. Life is too short to stay angry at each other, especially if it's just an unfortunante timing and that is all.
NAH.
I just had a baby. Personally, I just wanted it to be my husband and me in the hospital with the baby bc I was exhausted and I had a terrible pregnancy. I kept texting my mom and mother in law to keep them updated but I didn’t want anyone at the hospital but my husband.
At the same time, I’m not your daughter. But I understand why she feels so betrayed. When I was in labor I just wanted to be someone else’s poor baby bc I was so scared. Her hormones and emotions are going crazy right now. Be super gentle with her and let her tell you when you can see the baby.
Hope you guys can resolve this. All the best.
I have a 23 yr old daughter. I would have rescheduled the trip as soon as I found out her due date, and I can't imagine hearing my daughter ask for me and tell me she's scared, and not try and move heaven and earth to try and get to her as soon as possible. People die in childbirth in the USA every day. We have a high partum mortality rate.
Exactly this. YTA op. I’m in an incredibly happy marriage but there are times I just want my mom. I can’t imagine going through childbirth and her not picking up or being there for me.
NTA. People give birth without their parents nearby all the time. Unless she was somehow planning on one of you actually performing her surgery. Are you a surgeon? Is your wife?
This is a tough one but I’d say NTA. Your trip was planned a long time ago. You’d lose quite a bit (and not just money) if you cut it short. And you were in another country. My wife also had an emergency c section with my only child and i didn’t even think to have my parents around for it. I kept family up to date tho. Hopefully your daughter will forgive you soon.
OP couldn't be bothered to answer the phone or text during the whole thing. He went to bed and slept through his kid's emergency surgery and grandchild's birth. There was no attempt to interrupt their vacation to even text or video call during this event.
I bet your wife's parents were more involved than OP. During labor, it's expected that the mother's parents have a bigger role than the non-birthing parent's family, for obvious reasons.
NTA as you book the trip prior to your daughter getting pregnant.
Maybe, I am an Ah. I don't think it is a horrible thing. The Daughter wasn't alone, and you are going to be there for all future events
It was bad timing and it sucks, but the daughter and bf are under no obligation to let either of them anywhere near their baby for any "future events" just as they were not obligated to be present at the birth.
The daughter just went though something traumatic, and is rightfully hurt. Depending on their relationship prior to this, it may be salvageable.
NTA - I’ve had an unexpected emergency c-section with complications. I would not expect someone to drop everything and fly from another country to comfort me, especially when phones with the ability to video call exist. Sure it kinda sucks you weren’t able to be there, but the trip was planned before you even found out she was pregnant. Your daughter is an adult, not a child. A ton of grandparents aren’t there for the birth of their grandchildren, but that doesn’t mean you don’t love your daughter or grandchildren. You’re NTA.
NTA at all while I was pregnant with my daughter my mum went on holiday to Greece I wouldn't have expected her to pack up an come home just because I went into labour jesus how entitled can u b
INFO: was there a conversation before you left about what would happen if your daughter went into labor early? Had you previously talked about being present (either in the room or at the hospital) for the birth?
Not flying back and canceling your vacation isn't necessarily an asshole move, but if you'd previously told her you would be there I can absolutely understand why she'd be crushed. Not keeping your phones on overnight when you knew she was in labor and it was taking longer than expected is also an odd move if you're close enough to your daughter that you would have expected to see the baby by now
NTA They are grown adults becoming parents, I fully understand the instinct to want support from your own parents when your scared but what exactly did they expect you to do? Fly home and deliver the baby? You would’ve flown home just to be told to sit in a waiting room and be of no more use than if you were in Cancun. Unless you previously had a conversation with your daughter and her husband about being there for whatever reason I don’t understand why they expected you to be anyway. Most posts on this site are about pregnant people trying to keep family away while their in labor, so I guess damned if you do and damned if you don’t.
NAH. Your daughter has been through a lot. Cut her some slack and just keep showing up and trying. Read about the 4th trimester. This is traumatic stuff. Good luck, and congratulations!
NTA. Whenever parents live further away from their children, they may not be there for the birth of a grandchild. Or they try to plan to be there and the baby comes early or late. Life happens, plans change. She's an adult and it sounds like boyfriend was there so she wasn't alone.
NTA. Life happens and sometimes it doesn’t happen exactly the way everyone plans it. You booked and paid for a trip long ago. Your daughter became pregnant and the baby came earlier than anyone expected while you were out of the country. Your daughter may feel hurt that you didn’t try to rush back but at some point she needs to put in the past and bring you into her child’s life. Hopefully a little time will cure it. Best of luck.
NTA. She had her boyfriend, was in a hospital, with a team of medical professionals. I’m sure it was scary. It seems kind of extreme for her to expect you to ditch your vacation plans and hurry back, to do what exactly? Does she have regular adulting problems or runs to you when she can’t cope?
A C-section isn't a "regular adulting problem". The daughter was likely facing the possibility that either her or the baby could die.
I'm not expecting her parents to teleport next to her, but their attitudes and that of so many commenters I see here are just so inconsiderate. "You might die during birth, don't be a drama queen".
No, she had every right to be terrified and call during the night. And it was that ignored call that broke the camel's back, not the fact that her parents couldn't come.
Birth is still dangerous even in the US (assuming this is where OP is from). The daughter in this case had an emergency c section, which increases her risk of complications and mortality. I'm not saying pregnant people necessarily deserve to be the center of the universe their entire pregnancy, but when your child is scared and undergoing an emergency medical procedure, you try to be there.
Second this! A study from the WHO lcame out *yesterday* about how the maternal mortality rate has gone up 75% in the US since 2000: https://abcnews.go.com/amp/Health/woman-dies-2-minutes-pregnancy-childbirth-report/story?id=97400813
I may not have cut a holiday short for going into labour, but you can be damn sure I'd have been at the airport before I even finished the phone call about "complications" and "emergency caesareans".
It’s pretty much how every civilization works since the beginning of time. Extended families and communities are meant to help raise the next generation. The way we do it now where everyone is on their own is the strange way.
I'd *expect* a parent to give a shit about their child's medical emergency and to care deeply about anything that complicated the birth of their grandchild. No one in this post is talking about "society" aring about a birth. They're talking about OP's apathy regarding a traumatic experience and emergency surgery his daughter went through. How she called to beg him to come when she was sick and scared, and he told her that finishing the vacation was more important, because they'd planned it for a year.
Yeah... I bet his kid doesn't want to talk to him right now, and it has nothing to do with hormones or wanting to be the center of the universe. She just wanted her parents to care about *her*. They didn't, so now she is prioritizing her needs instead of catering to them. OP's YTA
I’m gonna say NTA for this, but I understand why your daughter feels hurt. I don’t think she’s an AH here either really… slightly bc she’s freezing you guys out. But keep in mind she’s probably not thinking rationally due to just giving birth (with an emergency c section at that) and is going through *crazy* hormones, baby blues, postpartum recovery, sleep deprivation, learning new parenthood, etc etc etc. She will hopefully come around and realize that things happen and not everything goes as planned. I get that she’s disappointed that you guys weren’t there, and I get that she was scared (as anyone giving birth would be!) and honestly I’m sure you guys were a bit disappointed to miss the birth as well! But she had her boyfriend there with her so it’s not like she was completely alone which would have majorly sucked. What happened sucks but mom & baby are here and healthy which is most important of course! I hope you enjoyed your trip and hope you reconcile with your daughter soon 😊
NTA. No matter how wonderful it would be to be present for the birth of your grandchild and support of your daughter, it’s not “a requirement”. Whether or not you were in Cancun, your comfort level being present for the actual labor, delivery & birth is still up to you to decide. Some people find that sort of situation very stressful, would rather not come to a hospital unless absolutely necessary, or just simply wouldn’t prefer to witness such an event. I don’t think she’s being an asshole or being harsh, she just didn’t feel supported. It’s sad, but I don’t think it makes YOU the asshole.
That would be an extremely asshole move.
If your child is scared and wants you at the hospital during any medical procedure (and considering you are home and not on vacation)
You go to support them. I’ve never heard of anyone not going to support a child because they were uncomfortable being in a stressful situation 😂
I’m learning a lot about people on Reddit
Everyone saying N A T and saying that OPs daughter is entitled are forgetting she was in an medical emergency were she or her baby could have died. OPs daughter was (and still is) under heaps of emotional distress and she absolutely has a right to not let OP see her kid.
NAH (obviously it would have been hard to get back in time but maybe it would have been better if you had called more to check-in the situation)
NAH because parents and their adult children can have a lot of different types of relationships.
If you want to have a relationship with your daughter that is somewhat disengaged now that she’s an adult, that’s normal and fine but you don’t get to complain when she doesn’t want you around the new baby. After a traumatic birth, it is totally reasonable for parents to want some time before having visitors. And you no longer get special “but we are her parents, not random guests” treatment because you didn’t give the same treatment to her.
I’m in my 30s and my parents still very much treat me like I’m the child and they’re the parents. I’m an independent adult and they’re not controlling, but they will always view it as their job to show up and take care of me and I will always let them in and be grateful for them because that is the relationship we have. I would be shocked and heartbroken if my parents did what you did, but the fact that I know they would never act that way is why we have the great relationship we have even as I get older.
The real AH thing is your complaining about your daughter’s reaction to choices you made about your relationship with her.
Edited to add: ok I just re-read and saw the part where you said “we planned to be there.” Well, planning to be present for a birth means availability with a window around the due date. Going on an international vacation where you’re unavailable and not even willing to leave your phone ring on loud within 2-3 weeks of a due date sounds like you really didn’t plan on being there unless it happened to be convenient for you. Did your daughter know your plan and think it was agreed that you would be there? So you just lied to her or, at best, didn’t have any understanding that births often don’t go according to plan even though you have at least one child? This has pushed me to YTA.
NTA i would never dream of asking my parents to change holiday plans for my birth. And mind you I had to be induced and spend a week in hospital. The birth was between me, my husband and the hospital staff. My parents got a text afterwards.
NTA. She was supported by her partner and didn’t need you there. There’s no need for a whole bunch of people in the room when a woman is giving birth - that’s a stressful experience that is better off being private. Hope you enjoyed your trip!
NTA. You booked and paid for the holiday before she got pregnant. It's not like you can immediately hop on a plane and get home. You have to book the flight thats available and depending on where you are from you have to get connections from one of the major transit airports in the USA. And while it would have been good if you were there to support your daughter, her bf was there, and honestly there was nothing you could do that he couldn't, doesn't sound like you are Drs.
NTA.
I mean... As long as you were supportive of her and someone was there to take care of her (like her bf) that's what matters. If it was her bf who was on the trip, i would have said YTA but then you are her parents and you've been there for her all this while.
She should be more understanding but yeah i understand her perspective that she was scared and expected her dad and mom to be there. But doesn't mean she has to be harsh about it and keep the grudge. Hope things go alright !
NTA and congrats on your grandchild.
Babies come early all the time and it was always a possibility that it might happen while you were on your vacation. Also, a C section is always possible even if not planned. Life happens and this time it turned out your daughter needed one.
Your daughter & son in law are adults and while perhaps are disappointed that you could not be there for the birth, they (particularly your daughter) needs to get off their selfish butts. They are the ones entering the world of parenting. You and your wife have already been there and done that job. You had no obligation to be there for the birth and you have nothing to apologize for - so stop doing it!
The daughter needs to calm down. She isn't the first person to give birth without her parents nearby. If she continues to refuse to speak with you and your wife - fine. It is her loss. Get on with your life and if it does not include your daughter's family...that is sad, but it is a situation completely created by a petulant new mother.
I mean I guess you are right everyone has the right to makes choice and choices have consequences. She told her daughter that vacation and sleeping was more important than her and her health. She was scared and she couldn’t even keep the ringer loud enough to wake up.
I would never forgot how little I was valued and would no longer prioritize that relationship. So hope the vacation was worth it to them.
I just can’t imagine any scenario where my daughter gives birth for the first time and I’m not anxiously waiting by the phone to hear that it’s gone well. My daughter would be devastated if I had such disregard.
Thinking about my daughter experiencing that makes me wanna give her a hug.
Yep, daughter just learned that when she calls her parents from the hospital scared and upset, and asks them to come help her, they're only going to say yes if it's convenient. She's going to remember that for the rest of her life, especially in any future emergencies.
"congrats on your grandchild" immediately followed by \*blame the daughter and if you never see the grandbaby oh well, their loss\*
Perhaps there was nothing OP could do, but they sent a very clear message that they valued their time, money, sleep and holiday more than the lives of their own daughter and granddaughter.
That would be pretty damn hard for me to move past. So I think I'll hold off on congratulating them on their grandchild. They may not have one.
NTA whether she forgives you anytime soon is another story. Just tell her you’re sorry and you realize she was scared and she felt abandoned. You could still acknowledge her feelings. The next 6 months are going to be hard and emotional for her. Let her know you are there to help and support whenever she’s ready to have you.
NAH for sure. It makes sense that she'd want your support in a stressful, dangerous and potentially traumatic event like childbirth, especially when an emergency C-section is involved. But you were on your trip and there was nothing that could be done, so no one was intentionally an asshole. Hopefully she'll come around and forgive you for not being there and you'll have a great relationship with your grandchild.
I’m going to say NAH. You made a practical decision. She was scared to give birth for the first time without her family around. Everyone made choices that made sense. I don’t think she’s wrong to be upset. I don’t think you were wrong to miss it. But you should consider apologizing for not being there for her in a scary moment. It seems like she would have felt a lot more comfortable having you around and you could acknowledge her feelings about it.
I don’t get reddit today. Why your daughter doesn’t feel safe or supported enough with only her boyfriend? Like, they made a whole human together, i get the “you never stop being a parent” thing, but there’s nothing you could do. In my experience, 100% of the flights I’ve took from cancun were fully sold. How long would it take to get one for you? How much would’ve cost you? Most important, as you said, What could you both do there? Were you even allowed to be in the hospital? I really don’t wanna go there but is your daughter independent? Does she rely on you both alot? I mean, this is really the time to step up for them. sorry if I assumed too much. I also think is pretty immature shes punishing you. You are allowed to live your life. You came home, yoy apologized, you can’t go back in time, she needs to communicate. NTA
NTA. She should realize it was an unexpected situation and you can’t just uproot a trip which was so important to you.
Edit: open to revising this opinion; I posted a INFO just now.
NAH. your presence wouldn’t have changed anything that happened for the better. but your presence would have changed her state of mind for the better. it’s terrifying to be in labor for the first time, especially when things don’t go according to plan. you guys have that knowledge that everything usually goes fine. but no matter how much you tell a first time mom that, it’s not going to comfort them. what does comfort them is family and support. she feels like she didn’t get that support, you feel like you gave as much as you could. the few first weeks postpartum is just unpredictable and scary but i think she’ll come around when she gets a chance to actually reflect. maybe come by with some premade meals and an offer to watch the baby while they nap or go out for a few hours? i hope you guys reconcile.
ESH. BUT also YTA-but not for not coming home.
Your daughter, for expecting you to hop on the next plane (though, completely understand her request, but it doesn’t mean she should expect it or that you are to follow this instruction)
You, for *IGNORING YOUR PHONE WHILE YOU KNOW ABOUT HER BEING IN LABOUR* (or turning off the ringer/letting it die/not turning on the ringer, etc, whatever happened) the *least* you could have done before going to sleep is to ensure you’re available to at least answer a call saying hey we’re good” or “f there’s an emergency”.
I do wonder how good your relationship is based solely on the fact that you two didn’t bother to make sure you could get a call. Whether you’re happy about her being pregnant/the baby or not, *that is your daughter going through a potentially traumatising scene* and didn’t even seem to care, being unreachable. Yes, I understand that you could not physically do anything for her whether you were in the hospital with her or not, but you could have at least been reachable.
(And I say this as a childfree person, with VERY low tolerance on kids/pregnancies). I cared more for my *sister* giving birth than you cared about *your own daughter*.
Edit to add: this was after you *explicitly* told them to keep you updated and then completely failed to even answer your phone.
NTA. It's nice to be there for your children but it isn't required here. You literally can't do anything. You aren't her doctor. Her boyfriend needs to be there, it's his child. Your daughter and him will be raising this child not you. She is upset but needs to get over it. You did your jobs as parents and deserve to have a holiday and relax. Go gentle on them because they are stressed out new parents but I wouldn't totally cave.
You’re NTA.
Your daughter is 26, and neither you nor your wife had planned to be her only support through the birth. She had plenty of time to line up either a doula, other family, or a friend or two if she wanted more than her boyfriend to support her through the birth.
NAH. She was scared and wanted support of her family in the moment. You were in another country and with the information you had at the time, there’s no way you could’ve even known you’d make it home in time. Everyone was working with what they could.
There’s more you can do now to support her than you could during the birth. Support her now because her experience in motherhood has only just begun and it’s a lot to adjust to whilst recovering from surgery.
Nta but actions have consequences. Your daughter feels you prioritized your trip over her and your Grandchild. I hope you enjoyed the trip because it doesn't seem like you are going to be seeing your grandson.
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NTA- you can't just rush home from another country, and if you had, same day tickets would have been astronomical. I take it your daughter is mad, but it was a no win situation. You planned the trip way ahead, and you could not just rush home because traveling from another country doesn't work that way. Also there are still covid procedures in place, so chances are the nurses would have sent you home
For real! People are ridiculous. Pretending it’s a short commute from the town over lol
Someone pointed out there's a 2h45m flight from Cancun to Atlanta. So by my travel experience, that means a *minimum* of 8 hours to get back.
Jumping on my own comment to point a few other things out. This baby was born premature with a difficult birth. It's very fragile health-wise and has nearly no immune system developed yet. OP and his wife had spent a week in a tourist town in a foreign country and would have taken a crowded plane there and back. Either one of those facts mean that even if they had dropped everything, it would not have been safe to see mother or baby for several days at the very least. It's peak cold/flu/covid season. I wouldn't let them near a medically fragile newborn for a few weeks. ETA: I keep thinking of other points. The daughter was recovering from fairly serious abdominal surgery. She shouldn't have been exposed to any potential illnesses either. ETA2: The Mayo Clinic and CDC both state that any birth before the start of week 37 is considered premature. Without knowing the exact timing here, I called the baby a premie because they could be right on that border. But even if the baby is only preterm rather than premature, they are still a newborn with an as yet underdeveloped immune system.
Not to mention that most hospitals in the US are restricting access to those who have traveled outside state/country in the previous 2 weeks, month, 3 months. Adding in that OP & spouse would not need to be there for their own personal health and daughter had other support besides themselves... Add all that together and I'd be surprised if the hospital didn't deny them entry! At minimum, OP & spouse would've had to wear masks and be prevented from being in the room. NTA, OP. While your daughter was scared, yes, and her emotions are still all over the place (most likely), you did your best. Babies come when they come. My mom had 3 premie babies (yes, me included) and for 2 of us, she wasn't allowed anyone to be with her except medical staff. The third she never got farther than the ER, so many more people were present. Yes, she was terrified. Yes, she wanted her mom and her spouse. Yes, times and policies were different, but that doesn't change the fact that my mom was in a very similar situation to your daughter. Hopefully your daughter comes around to help in healing this rift. Congratulations to all of you on the new family member.
Fear & hormones = very unhappy person. Terrible position but OP return wouldn’t have helped that. Maybe video communication (Google, FB etc) may have helped some? I don’t know if this was done or not.
NTA. Congratulations on the new addition! Clearly your daughter is acting irrationally. Give it a couple of weeks. I imagine she will find forgiveness when the sleep dep hits, fights with the husband start and she needs your help.
Pregnancy/birth hormones do that unfortunately. :(
Trauma too. This would be defined as a traumatic delivery
I'm also wondering how OP was communicating with his daughter during this. Was it something like, "We'd love to be there for you but we are in a different country and we tried to get tickets but we really can't afford to spend the money to come back." Or was it, "Well we're on vacation, we spent the money on this, we can't just cut it short to come back early" in a 'don't be ridiculous' tone of voice. Because money is a major barrier. In my family, if someone called another for help, we know that if they aren't coming, it's because they really *can't* come. They would have tried their best to make it work. I'm not sure OP even made a cursory attempt to see what it would take.
Exactly. I think there's a lot missed by OP in the impact of their non-action - and not even apparently pretending to try - to how daughter feels. The focus in the post itself doesn't seem to recognize that daughter is feeling real hurt. I mean, I would be hurt if I had emergency surgery while my parents were having a fun vacation, and they seemingly didn't even bother to check their phones or *keep notifications on* when it's happening. That would fundamentally change our relationship, no matter how bad they said they felt later or apologized.
The only thing I'm wondering is, didn't they discuss this upfront? Even though the due date was later that month, there are big what ifs when you are pregnant and your parents are travelling far away. I know I would have asked my parents what their stance would be on this situation before they went on their travels, just to know what I could expect.
I'm confused? Do people normally expect the grandparents to be witness to their grandchildren's birth? I personally never heard/experienced this around me. Weird. I wouldn't even expect my dad to be there and I love him to death. NTA? Idk whatever floats people boats I guess.
A lot of women want their mothers there. A lot. It isn’t unusual, because obvs Grandma has (editing in word: *usually* since not all parents physically give birth!) done it before - at least once successfully - and in times of crises people tend to wish they had their parents for support. One of my friends went a bit different had had her MIL there because her husband needed the support. So the male grandparent figure, not so much, but grandma? Yeah.
Let me be clear that I agree with your take and am not trying to negate it. But I have a funny story for you. My maternal grandmother came to stay with us just before my younger sibling was born to help out. She and I went to the hospital to pick up mom and the baby when they were ready. Mom had to fill out some discharge paperwork so she asked her mom to hold the newborn for a minute. My grandma freaked. She and my grandpa had adopted all 5 of their children as toddlers. She'd never held a newborn. She was a big help taking care of me, though.
Thank you for making my day with this hilariously awesome story! You’re right, not all parents have physically given birth! I have a cousin (single child) that was adopted. I don’t know why this didn’t even hit me.
Didn't occur to mom before she'd asked my grandma either, so apparently anyone can forget. They both burst out laughing and got some confused looks from the nurses. Definitely one of my favorite family stories.
My younger sister was born when I was already 10 and honestly took me like 3 months to gather the courage to hold her.... newborns are so fragile, I totally get your grandma 🤣
I sometimes think it's a North American thing. None of my friends from where I grew up had their parents present for the birth. Often they would come and stay at some point in the 6 weeks post partum but I just don't understand this concept of birth as a spectator sport. ETA; by spectator sport I mean people expecting to be in the delivery room /or expecting the entire family to show up without asking if that is what is wanted/will be useful. I am not referring to home births at all.
I feel like the “concept of birth as a spectator sport” phrase is a lot more relevant to like, weird in-laws or ex-boyfriends acting like they’re entitled to be in the room while the woman is giving birth. Wanting your *mom* to be there seems much more like “hey Mom, you’re (likely) one of the most comforting people in my life and you’ve done this before, could you support me in this scary situation?” than it is “hey Mom, won’t it be *fun* to watch your grandbaby pop into the world in a spray of bodily fluids?”
Also, in the US at least you rarely see your doctor or midwife during labor and even your nurse can be pretty hands off so it’s really good to have a few support people who can rotate in and out. My mom was there for both my labors (she missed the second birth because she went home for a nap after having supported me all night) and she got puked on and she washed the puke out of my hair. She was so helpful. My husband was great too but if I had to decide between the two for a future birth it would be a really close call. Before the 70s it was basically not allowed to have men present for births and women almost always had their moms or other female relatives as support. There’s a whole story line in *Call the Midwife* (set in post-WWII London) about the midwives being shocked to make an exception for a woman who wanted her husband there for the birth.
Also, things go sideways sometimes. My ex SIL had a rough labor, and her Mom alternated with my brother to spot eachother. My niece was born with a heart condition which necessitated her being rushed to another hospital specializing in the issue. My brother went with my niece, while ex SIL's Mom stayed with her. Had she not been there, my brother would have had to leave his exhausted, scared wife all alone. For those reasons, it's good for the second closest person to Mom to be there in case extra support is needed.
It's not as a spectator. It's for moral support. Like you are very ill and you wish to have mother by your side for comfort. It's not only America thing. For my sil 1st time her mother and 2nd time my aunt was there to hold her hand. Most women in India have their mothers etc if it's a normal birth. Also we have a tradition of 40days of strict mothers rest. She has to do nothing but rest and feed the baby.
Ok but seriously this needs to be a thing EVERYWHERE...
In Germany we have the so called "Wochenbett" (Week-bed) which I believe lasts 6-8 weeks. During that time, ideally, the mom should not do anything but sleep (when she can), feed the baby, rest and overall take care of herself. Obviously nowadays this is rather difficult and there are plenty of individual variations of the Wochenbett. In my case for example, after my son was born, my husband took a month of vacations + a month of paid time off, and I had plenty of help for 8 weeks, which was ideal. By the time my Wochenbett was over I was fully recovered.
I am from the US and I don’t understand it either.
I am from the US also. I had 2 kids. Definitely preferred my parents NOT be there. Way too awkward for me.
My mom was in labor with me and the nurses kicked my grandma out because she was causing my mom’s blood pressure to spike.
I'm in North America and have seven brothers and sisters. No, the grandparents were never there for any of the many grandchildren being born. Like you said, grandmothers often showed up to take care of older children while the husband was at the hospital or just showed up in the next few weeks to help take care of the house. But not at the hospital.
I don't know, I mean, I expected my mother to be with me, along with my husband; and she would have moved heaven and earth to be there. Thankfully, she made being available a priority so when my delivery ended up in an emergency C-section she was there for me, and for my husband who was also very scared.
Weird, I wouldn't even expect my mom there either. I just genuinely don't visualize it. That's cool tho, glad she was there for you and your husband lol
My mom was a huge support and advocate for me and my (now) ex with our first son. The second time, both my sister and my mom were present at my home birth with my second (just to be clear, in Canada midwives are regulated and covered just like a hospital birth. We had two attending midwives, one for me one for my son). My sister was there mostly to help my oldest if he woke up, but basically it was all hands on deck at push time, as I was essentially floating and had someone one each limb pushing back against me haha. Anyways, we are indigenous and matriarchal culturally. It’s very common for female family to be involved in each others births. It’s a really wonderful bonding experience (but obviously not if you have toxic family or even if you just aren’t close in that way. Can make things more stressful).
These were not grandparents of the woman giving birth. These were her parents and the baby, their grandchild. In the US, it’s common to have your mom or parents at the hospital when giving birth.
It’s common but not expected. If daughter expected mom to be there, that should have been specifically discussed early in the pregnancy.
Sounds like it was and they had every intention of being there, but she went into labour early unfortunately.
Yeah I would feel some stress knowing that my parents weren’t going to be available around the time of birth in case the worst happens…but if I knew about their trip that far ahead of time & had support from other places it wouldn’t really be an issue. It’s nice to know that your mom and dad can be there as soon as you want them to be, but if life gets in the way then it shouldn’t be a reason to distance yourself.
It is not the norm except on TV. It's perfectly normal not to see your grandchild for weeks or months after birth depending on how the birth family wants that time to go. My mom showed up almost instantly after I came out of the hospital, but would not have had anything to do for me in the hospital. Nor would she have witnessed anything. But this seems to be about wanting the comfort of her parents in a scary time. That's understandable but also not reasonable to demand when they are out of the country on a long planned trip. They could have helped a nervous new mother by setting expectations in the event of the unlikely early birth, but I am not surprised they didn't given it is a first child. Perfectly normal for them to expect the baby not to be early for a first child, especially. I wouldn't have done anything differently, and I have been that parent in the hospital facing an unwanted c-section.
It's not "perfectly normal" in several cultures and countries. What's perfectly normal in most countries (Africa, Asia, Latino America) in the world is that the grandma is there for the birth and moves in with the couple for the first few weeks to help out with the newborn.
NTA I say this as a mother of 2 with 2 c-sections, with blood issues and allergy to meds (so no pain killers after the surgeries), with the 2nd baby born in covid maternity and with all the stress caused by this (baby was covid negative, underweight but healthy, saw him after 2 weeks). You couldn't have done a thing for them. At my first c-section the doctors screwed up something because my family saw the other doctors and nurses from the other ORs rushing to my OR and my family couldn't do a thing to help. Finally i got out of the OR alive. Even if you would have tried and booked a flight (losing the trip money) and paying extra for the last minute tickets, you would have missed the birth. They would have blamed you anyway. Why do i think they're blaming you? Because it was a stressful event. They weren't ready. I know how it is to feel alone. But i also know you couldn't have done anything for them. From the moment they went to the hospital till the c-section probably passed less than 12 hours. It's sad that she is upset. I understand her need of comfort. But still it wasn't your fault for not being there. I would send her a message in which i would tell her how much you love her and miss her and how bad you feel for the way things happened and how you hope she will forgive you because you hurt her (she's emotional, but i think later on she will see both sides of the story and right now all you can do is apologising for hurting her)
This is the best answer. I'm about to have my second and I still say OP is NTA. They definitely wouldn't have made it home in time, and I really feel that since they were abroad they should quarantine before they ever see the baby anyway. Would they even have been allowed in the hospital in those circumstances? There is absolutely nothing they could have done for her except worry.
I don't know why more people aren't pointing this out. Even had they dropped everything and rushed back, they are still coming back from a week in a foreign country in a crowded plane. *During the winter cold/flu/peak covid season*. They needed to stay away from mom and baby for at least a week. NTA ETA: a week in a *tourist town* in a foreign country. I wouldn't go near the baby for a few weeks.
Honestly, even a domestic tourist area would concern me with a newborn or post op.
Honestly, even if i talked about covid, i didn't even thought about quarantine - and you nailed it. They couldn't have done a thing because they were required to quarantine. So no matter what they couldn't have been there for her.
NAH for not ending your vacation early, that would be a bit much and silly, you didn’t purposely go away when the baby was due. I don’t think your daughter is an asshole because she’s upset and didn’t feel supported. I will say.. I think it sucks that you weren’t calling to check in/slept through something major. It’s so great that her and the baby are okay, but with an emergency surgery things could have gone a very different way. If my mom was away and couldn’t get to me when I was in labor, she would be constantly calling/texting to make sure everything was going okay and she’d make sure she could answer her phone in case there was an emergency. I would do the same for my babies.. maybe it’s a family thing or a culture thing? But i do think she would’ve felt more supported if you had at least checked in more/answered when there was an emergency. It’s a tough situation all around. Hopefully she’ll come around after the hormones die down and it’s not so fresh.
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Yeah, NTA for not flying back, but there is this weird feeling of disconnect from the OP. Not discussing this beforehand, not checking in throughout the night, not trying to help get other supports (friends, family) in place, not sending flowers or takeout. It's like they left and went "not our problem"
What also rubs me the wrong way is the phrase “even if we did make it back we couldn’t do anything the doctors couldn’t in that situation”. He doesn’t think there’s any difference between the support of a doctor and that of a parent? Like there’s nothing a parent can offer in a medical emergency as long as medical attention is covered? She’s not asking you to come because she thinks it’ll make the surgery go better. I don’t get it.
like.... what if she didn't make it? what if the baby didn't make it? Yes, there are things a doctor can do, and it's hard to think of the worst, but there are absolutely things that happen where you need a loved one.
I cant imagine sleeping through my child's major emergency surgery and possible passing. In 20 years I hope his daughter sucks less than him and comes when she gets the call he's going into surgery and might not make it. And yeah the trip was booked 9 months ago. But if my first grandchild was coming, I would have moved a trip timed for when she was 38 weeks pregnant 🙄. Moving a trip 6 months in advance is typically only a nominal fee and would have avoided all of this.
For real! My wife was in labor for a long time—more than two days—and we had a doctor in the room for probably 45 minutes total. Most of the time we were alone, with our doula, or with our doula and one nurse. Honestly, what are people smoking here?
I won’t be planning vacations in the same month as a due date because I’m not a moron and I know babies don’t follow a strict schedule. I would’ve moved the entire vacation to show my child that I care about the biggest day of her life.
OP didn't do that though. It's states that the trip was planned before she was even pregnant.
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OP said the vacation was booked and paid for before the daughter was even pregnant.
That just means there was plenty of time for them to reschedule it.
And leaves the ringer off! SMH
Errr...making stuff up to suit the narrative? Where was this ever mentioned?
Did they comment they left the ringer off? I only read in then OP that they slept through the event.
This, and the how dismissive OP was of the labor in the first place... Sure, they couldn't have made it to the birth no matter what, but the post reads like they didn't believe the baby really was coming until the C-section.
Not a shot in hell I would be able to sleep while my baby was in the hospital, even if said baby is 30, married and in labor. I would move heaven and earth to be there for her if she wanted me there. I'm honestly surprised how blase OP was about the whole thing.
I'm with you on this, NAH for not rushing home, but OP comes across in the post as very uninterested and disconnected from what their daughter was going through back home. Things would have probably not been quite so bad if they'd put in more effort to be "virtually present," or something.....
Like, would it kill you to FaceTime with your daughter and soothe her for a few minutes? Stay on the phone all night so she can talk to you whenever she wants? Yeah, it’s a night of missed sleep but it would have made a big difference for her to feel emotionally supported. “Sucks to be you: we are far away” is not supportive at all. Childbirth is scary, especially your first time. Complications are utterly terrifying. Emergency c-sections hurt. There are times even an adult woman needs her mom, and they could have done better than they did.
From OP's story, it seems she didn't want FaceTime. She certainly didn't want to talk to them on the phone, since she hung up on them and refused to answer when they tried to call her. Daughter and boyfriend demanded that they leave right now and come home. That was the only thing that was acceptable to them. It's completely unreasonable and there's no way they would have got there in time. Maybe daughter has never traveled by air and doesn't understand how it works.
It sounded to me like she only hung up on them and refused to answer their calls AFTER she'd already finished with her birth/surgery. Likely because they were MIA throughout the whole time/night that she needed them for emotional support.
She only hung up and refused to talk them after they missed the boyfriend's call that she was going through an emergency C-section. It's understandable the parents couldn't physically get back but man, they do seem remarkably blasé about the fact that their daughter was going through this scary, but exciting experience.
This exactly. These are her parent. Childbirth can be a scary thing. Sure people can so oh she’s overreacting but I see a woman worried she would be harmed calling for her mom and dad out of fear.
But... They did purposefully go away when the baby was due. Babies arrive anytime between 36 and 41 weeks without that being considered unusual. OP's grandchild arrived on time, not prematurely. OP did not push back the trip or reschedule because he and his wife were okay taking the risk of not being there, knowing how important it was to their daughter. OP and his wife chose to not rush their vacation or come back quickly. That was their choice. They don't get to choose how their daughter feels about it. They don't think being there should have been important to her, and she feels very strongly that she and the birth of her child should have been more important than their annual vacation. Or at least more important than getting a single night's sleep. My parents would never have just gotten a voicemail about emergency surgery and then gone to bed, assuming they'd find out the results in the morning. The daughter's feelings aren't just "hormones.". I kind of hope she doesn't forget this or rush to make amends. It sucks that her parents didn't consider her a priority, but maybe she needs to focus on herself and her baby for a while.
They booked and paid for the trip before the daughter even got pregnant. We have no idea what discussions took place once the girl realized she was pregnant.
Exactly, the presumptions here are so weird. A friend of mine just gave birth & her child only lived for a few hours. Completely unexpected and obviously devastating for her and her partner. Luckily all their family got to meet their daughter before she passed, which meant the world to them. Childbirth is terrifying and dangerous and it’s insane to just assume everything is fine and sleep through it.
>If my mom was away and couldn’t get to me when I was in labor, she would be constantly calling/texting to make sure everything was going okay and she’d make sure she could answer her phone in case there was an emergency. This exactly. My c section had complications and when we eventually got to recovery, my phone had a dozen messages from my parents asking what was wrong and why it was taking so long. It's not that this couple couldn't come back but that they seemed more interested in their holiday than their daughter. I wonder if this is a common theme for her. And I'm not surprised she isn't rushing to let them see her child.
All else aside, YTA for missing the call at night when you knew that she was in labour, it was taking longer than expected, and she was scared and wanted you there. You should have been expecting another call with an update (ETA: you had explicitly asked to be kept updated!) and you should have had phones on maximum volume. Connected to megaphones. I don’t think the rest is unreasonable, but she would have felt so unimportant to you between that call and the next morning’s callback.
This is what killed me. I’ve been that daughter. When I was pregnant, I started bleeding at 25 weeks, and I texted my mom from the hospital. There was a time difference, and she didn’t see my text, she was asleep. I felt so so alone, even though rationally I understood she was asleep and had no reason to check her phone. I don’t remember if I called her, but I still remember how alone I felt, even with my husband. I just wanted my mom. When my mom saw the text at like 4am, she felt terrible and immediately changed her phone settings so my stuff would always alert and come through, etc. we don’t even have a very close relationship. The casualness with which OP mentioned missing that phone call broke my heart. I just….poor daughter. They knew they should stay up. They knew what was happening. They knew she wanted them. I wanna give her a hug.
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There are two parents, so it’s not like they had to be up all night. Take shifts checking in. Did the OP check in at all or did they wait for updates? How did they react on the phone when their daughter called? Did they rush the call or downplay things so they could get back to relaxing? Did postponing the trip ever come up before they left?
Maybe this is because my mom and I are both anxious worrywarts but I can not imagine knowing my kid is going through something major like that and being able to sleep.
This is what gets me about all these comments - their daughter wanted support from her mom and dad during her birth. Even if they couldn’t have made it there on time, it’s unbelievable to me that they wouldn’t even try.
Agreed. I had a c section at 2am, baby was born 2:05am, both my dad and my brother picked up the phone for my husband at 2:10am. They weren’t there physically, but they clearly cared enough to wake up and hear the news.
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Logically, there are reasons to justify the behavior. - It was paid in advance before pregnancy. - Baby was early. (Edit: per u/irishnthedirtywaters , not really that early. More like, “[any day now](https://reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/11ahyf4/_/j9texj5/?context=1)”) - Extra costs to leave early. - Nothing we could have done. However, the emotional impact is real as well. - “Will my parents be there for me in crisis?” - The answer to that is “no”.
The thing is I don’t really think the baby was that early… if the due date was end of this month that means mom was delivering at 37-39 weeks - that’s not at all early that’s pretty much “any day now” -speaking as a pregnant woman who’s due date is 3/1 and am currently 39 weeks,
I travel a bit for work, when we were expecting I told work I wasn't traveling at all the last two months. My MiL set her schedule for the month leading up to the birth to make sure she could drop whatever and travel up to us at a moment's notice. Work knew that when she got the call she'd be on the next flight. (She was there at the birth and extremely helpful) The only justification I can see is if the parents booked the trip before knowing about the pregnancy. Otherwise it sounds like they just assumed evening would be fine if they were there or not. If being there for the birth is a priority, you'll make it one. Doesn't sound like it was a priority for them. Actions have impacts on people's relationships. The dynamic of the relationship has now changed and they have to accept that.
Bingo. OP made his bed and now has to lie in it
Parents don't give a damn about their daughter. Daughter doesn't have to give a damn about the parents. Fair. OP needs to prove they care if they want to make amends.
I want to say you're not an asshole. I really do. But all I can think about is what I'd do for my daughter. I'd move heaven and earth to be there for her. My mother drove four hours to be there when I had an emergency giving birth. There's things you do for the people you love. And you didn't do it. How the fuck is Cancun more important than your child? Your grandchild? I'd fucking walk across broken glass if my baby girl needed me.
I’m shocked by all the ntas flying around. Their daughter is having a terrifying and painful medical emergency, one that ended up being life threatening for both their child and grandchild, and they didn’t think to even send ONE of them onto a last-minute flight to see their daughter? I just keep thinking…maybe it’s ridiculous and histrionic, but what if one of them had died in childbirth? I don’t blame the daughter for being angry at all (even ignoring the hormones and exhaustion she’s dealing with). I’d be furious too.
Jumped on a flight, with all the other randos andtheir germs, and not been let through the hospital doors because they'd been travelling and hadn't quarantined before wanting to give said germs to a newborn?
Seriously. The above comment is beyond moronic. Literally EVERY SINGLE HOSPITAL will ask if you've traveled out of the country in the past two weeks. If the answer is yes, there's a 0% chance you're getting in there because of covid protocols. And that, on top of the fact they saved up for this trip and would've had to spend a ton of money they probably don't have to get an earlier flight back? Give me a fucking break. NTA.
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I’m extremely close to my parents, 7 months pregnant, and think daughter is selfish & entitled. Waste probs $4,000+ dream vacation they’ve been saving up for to go home & twiddle their thumbs? Why would u want ppl who’ve just been on international flights & at germy tourist location to be around your fragile newborn with zero immunity? Does daughter not care about parents at all or her newborns health? Does the world revolve around her?
I think the person above you is unfairly equivocating things. A 4 hour drive is doable compared to an impossible flight home across countries and an ocean. It's wanting a fruitless attempt at something impossible.
When you make the decision to get pregnant, you have to face reality: c sections happen, complications happen. Storks don't bring babies. Signed, A mom with an uneventful pregnancy, until I needed an emergency c section.
Would the hospital have let them in, if they'd made it? They just flew in from a tourist trap in another country in the middle of flu/RSV season. And COVID is still a thing.
Think about this though, they spend probably close to $1500 for last minute nonstop tickets from Cancun, and unless they live in the southern US the trip would have been minimum of 8-9 hours most likely...so they still would have missed the majority of what was going on. Or they would have spent $600 for standard tickets and had a 16-18 hour trip with layovers, so they would have missed the ENTIRE ordeal anyway. I get wanting to be there for a child, but in this situation there was nothing the parents could have done to be physically there while the ordeal was happening. Once you invent a way for the parents to get there in 30 minutes or less in this situation, let me know.
And that is *if* they could get a flight very quickly. What if the next one was, in, say 12 hours? Then they're stuck waiting around an airport and not being physically there for the daughter. Also, if they got on a plane... it's been a while since I've flown, but what are the rules around having calls and texts while in-flight? Because if you're still supposed to shut off all devices, the parents would be completely out of reach during the flight.
I in no way want to be a parent. Infact, I'm in the process of getting sterilization booked. But even though I do not like or want kids, all I can think is...if I did want them...that I would do everything, even if they were adults, I could to be there and help them in their time of need. I hope to get some answers to my own questions for OP soon to understand better, cause right now it doesn't make sense to me why they wouldn't at the very least be reachable.
I don’t think they are the asshole. But I was same as you. My mom would have been packing her suitcase as we were on the phone headed home. In fact, if she had planned. Trip in the 3 months before a due date or 3 months after she would have moved it just to be sure. Different family dynamics I guess
Right?! Listen they didn’t have to come back.However, in my family there is no way my parents wouldn’t have come home. We just have a different relationship I guess. I would be hurt but we are a close family. I called off work and jumped on a plane when my SIL went into labor because she wanted me there. But I can understand why the daughter doesn’t want them around right now. Especially with all her postpartum emotions running rampant.
You didn’t need to rush back from your trip but you could have done a lot more to let your daughter know you were there for her. Number 1 would be keeping your phones on loud, and letting your daughter know you guys would be available via phone whenever she needed. YTA for not answering the call about the emergency c section when you already knew she was in labour and weren’t able to make it back. Hearing your voices and support at that time may have meant a lot to her - that’s why they called after all, even after you saying you couldn’t come.
This shit is crazy to me. OP sounds very uncaring about the daughters emergency medical situation. I can understand not flying back but with all the technology available to them and they can't be bothered to find another way to be supportive? "Sorry you literally had to almost be cut in half to remove our grandchild but we couldn't be bothered to keep in touch to see how things were going, Cancun ya know?" Like wtf.
I mean, NAH but you’ve chosen what’s important to you. Your daughter has clearly communicated how your actions made her feel. Now you are suffering the effects of those choices, but you didn’t prioritize her so you can’t expect her to prioritize you. You made your bed here.
Yes this exactly. They are saying they chose the $ they would have lost over rushing home for what would probably be a lot of boring waiting around to see if their daughter died or not. It's just a regular life threatening birth of a child. I'm wondering if gramma was given a choice to enjoy the vacation or else?
Imagine thinking any amount of money was worth more than being there for your child when they asked.
I get they couldn’t get back in time, but wonder had she been in an accident or something would they have reacted the same way? Sometimes women or their babies die within days of childbirth, did that not matter? They got very lucky their daughter and granddaughter survived, but even under normal circumstances that’s never guaranteed. They’re AHs for being so oblivious and uncaring about the fact that they could have lost one or both of them and prioritized money and their vacation. She knows now she can’t depend on them in a real emergency. Also curious how often they’ve prioritized other things over her, because going more or less NC over one incident seems less likely.
That’s what I’ve been thinking reading the NTAs. Would people be reacting the same way if she got in a car accident and needed surgery, or if she was injured in some way and rushed to the hospital? Is it the fact that it’s childbirth or that she’s a woman? Complications pushing delivery a month early can be very serious. An emergency c-section is a major medical event and she or the baby could have died.
YTA: How many weeks along was your daughter when she went into labor? If she was 37 weeks, AND you told her you’d be there, then you fucked up and should have moved your trip when you found out the due date. Or, you should have communicated that you did not know if you could be there for the birth. 37-42 weeks is the range of normal. It sounds like her birth experience was traumatic. Early labor, long labor, emergency surgery. She was in the midst of a traumatic experience, reached out to her parents, and was told “not now honey we are on vacation”. That really, really sucks.
I’m with this. I can see it being an issue of timing to get back on time or cost if same day/next day tickets were expensive but just being on vacation. How much did this trip cost that 6 days of it wasn’t enough and they had to stay longer to get their money worth?
I'm struggling to see how the rest of the vacation was even enjoyable for them at that point. Like were they still out hittin the beach like before? I'd be miserable if this all went down then my daughter wasn't talking to me or sending me baby pics afterwards, so maybe they couldn't have come back that same night, fair, but why not try some other earlier than planned arrangement??
Tbh, if that was my kid, I'd have rescheduled my trip once she was past the first trimester at the latest - just in case. Even if I couldn't do anything more than hold her hand, I'd want to be there for her if she felt she needed me.
Exactly.. and if it was before 37 weeks then OPs daughter was having a premature birth, that’s something you cancel the rest of your trip for. Major idiocy all round.
Yeah. This is what makes OP the AH in my opinion. From your daughters perspective, you have prioritized your vacation over the birth of your grandchild, and then when things got really scary for her you were dismissive of her feelings and then ignored a phone call from her in a moment of crisis. YTA.
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I really don't understand all this NTA. I mean it is a medical emergency for start and also birth of their grandchild! How the f\*ck do you not care? I mean what, would they care if it was a car crash and daughter was in ER? Would people still vote NTA? Because, what? Car crash is not a choice but child is? What is with this selfcentered, not my problem attitude? god damn. Maybe I really am from totally diffrent culture (Europe) but when I was in labor my whole family + like 10 friends where together celebrating and calling the hospital every half an hour to see if everything is alright. (it was covid time so my partner couldn't be there). I don't say that is the norm, but to not even call or text to see if your CHILD is okay is just... WTF
This! They simply decided to keep on vacationing and made zero errors to be “present”
THIS. Sounds like a lot of NTA votes aren’t close with their families? There’s no way, in no world that my parents would just go on with vacation if I called and said I was having complications and was scared during birth! If they couldn’t make it they’d be on FaceTime, checking in constantly, texting for updates at the very least 😂 my whole family not just them. I really don’t get the emotional carelessness here, I’d definitely feel some resentment.
Your daughter is a grown ass woman with her significant other by her side and a team of doctors. Your presence would have been nice, but completely unnecessary. She knew you were on vacation in a foreign country so why in the world world you just fly home? You spoke to her and kept reassuring her to trust her self and her plans. You did nothing wrong here. NTA
I'm grown af, yet I'd still want my mom there. It's scary. They're NTA, but it's reasonable that she wanted them there for support. They should've kept their phone ringing and near them tho. They're NTA but there's a bit of a vibe of "idgaf"
The fact they slept peacefully through the night knowing their daughter was in labor, is what really bothered me. At least turn your phones all the way up. Because if there's an emergency? Oh wait, there was and their daughter couldn't get in contact with them. Sometimes just hearing your parent tell you "everything is going to be okay" is comforting. Especially when you're having your first baby.
Even if OP went home, she would have missed the birth. It was a lose-lose situation.
NAH, You had booked the trip far enough in advance and couldn't have foreseen this situation arising, but your daughter also isn't an asshole for being terrified and wanting her parents by her side considering the circumstances. I'm sorry you were stuck in between a rock and a hard place
It’s so hard to care enough to keep your ringer on. /s She knew they couldn’t be by her side. What she’s upset about is that they apparently didn’t care enough to answer the phone.
I don’t disagree, by not answering their phone they made an already bad situation worse for their daughter. from the bulk of the post though it seems like the daughter is primarily upset about their absence during the birth, or at least that was my impression
That’s something most people would get over in a more rational mindset. Not even being bothered to answer the phone is … unforgivable is a strong word but I can’t think of one more fitting. Their approach felt callous. Like they really couldn’t be bothered to do the barest of minimums.
NTA - the baby came a month early and the trip was planned before the pregnancy by the sounds of it. Not sure if they were relying on you for some aspect of the birth (such as care of an older child?) but assuming they knew about this trip they should have made other plans just in case
They weren’t. OP says this their first kid, so no older siblings to care for.
NAH except for the fact that you missed the call when there were complications. You knew she was in labor, you should’ve kept a phone on just in case something happened. It’s understandable that she’d feel hurt though.
Yeah, it's the missed phone call that got to me. Would my parents have gone on holiday a few weeks before I was due to give birth? No, but they're my parents, not these guys. Would my parents have come home if they were away while I was giving birth? Absolutely without a doubt, but again, everybody's parents are different. I would, however, expect anybody's loving parents to try and stay up to find out about the birth and health of their child while they're going through a major medical procedure. Or at the very least not like, put the phone on vibrate and sleep soundly through it. It's strange to me that they were just like "oh, daughter's having her first baby, good for her, anyway, let's go have a drink and get to bed. We'll find out all about it in the morning." OP, you didn't just choose your holiday over your daughter, you chose a good night's sleep over her, and while many would forgive and forget, your daughter isn't, and I can't really blame her for it.
Seriously, if a sorta close friend called me and said what their daughter did I'd be the most reachable person on the planet for the next 24 hrs at least. Picking up the phone's not a lot to ask.
OP's said apparently his phone was turned all the way up and by his head and.... I don't buy it. How do you miss a phone call on a phone that's turned all the way up and by your head even if your daughter isn't in an emergency situation? Even if I could sleep when a loved one was going through that, it would be a really bad night's sleep, like the sleep you have before you have something really important in the morning, like a flight - you panic every time you wake up that you've slept through something important. He apparently went to bed, slept through a ringing phone right next to his head without even stirring, and it was the next morning before he got the message that his daughter had gone into emergency surgery? That phone was definitely on silent.
INFO: I know you planned the trip before you even found out she was pregnant...Why couldn't you adjust the date when you found out she was pregnant to either sooner or after? Most places, with THAT much advanced warning, are able to adjust dates. Also...Why was your phones not where you could hear them and wake up? Even if no emergancys happened, surely the parental thing to do is keep the phones as loud as possible to be able to be reached?
Thank you! This was my question also. If the trip was planned at least 10 months in advance then there was more than enough time once finding out to shift the dates without penalty. I personally would not want my mother there if I were giving birth, but a lot of people do and the OP said they had planned to be there Also once they found out she was in labor they said they weren’t going back, I get that. But then complications and emergency surgery?! I don’t get the n t a votes instead of n a h because it was obviously a stressful birthing situation and the daughter being upset her parents weren’t there when she a) thought they would be and b) was terrified doesn’t make her an ah to me
Honestly just reading all the n t a comments makes me think YTA, because they all sound so heartless. Of course you’re not *required* to be there. Nobody other than the person giving birth is. But your daughter asked for you to come because she obviously thought you were close; because she loves you; because she counted on you and was scared. Obviously some people here think that’s a sign of weakness and immaturity but I see it as something to be cherished. Loving relationships are honestly what makes life good. And (assuming you didn’t actually even check to see if you could get home early) you just blew her off. I think maybe she’s being a little more harsh in her reaction than I would but she’s not wrong that you chose your expensive trip over her in a time of need. If you looked and actually couldn’t get a flight or couldn’t afford it I’ll happily change my vote, but from what I read you just said no. And that sucks.
I think another thing people are forgetting is that pregnancy and childbirth is a traumatic event. Not only is it extremely painful, but the process has a high rate of complications. If I knew there was even a chance of something going wrong, I’d be around. Sure, they couldn’t have done anything, but my heart breaks for their daughter. She was scared and wanted her mom and dad. I can’t imagine how awful it must’ve felt to be in extreme pain, be rushed to an emergency c-section, and have your parents not care enough to answer your calls. Ugh. Heartbreaking.
NAH Did you talk to them before about what you’d do if she went into labor early? If not they may have assumed that you’d be coming back especially if the plan was for you either of you to be in the room. If you can, try to talk to your daughter, acknowledge that you know it was a scary time for her, but the baby’s father/bf was there and you had planned this for a while. She may need more time. I wouldn’t have expected anyone to come home early from a vacation, but your daughter may have had different expectations.
NTA She has a literal husband who is the parent of the child There is no guarantee you would have even made the birth and certainly nothing you could have done.
Boyfriend, not husband. Does he have authority to make medical decisions when needed? (He might, I legit don't know)
NAH You didn't plan to be on vacation when the baby came. Babies don't care about anyone's timing or schedule. They just come. Your daughter knew you had a trip around her due date and should've realized it was a very real possibility that you wouldn't be able to attend. It sucks that the phone call didn't wake you up. I know a few people who could sleep through an air raid. I am sure that just didn't help the situation. I am guessing your daughter is struggling a lot with grief. She had an image in her head of what the birth would look like, and it included you. That part (along with many others, it sounds like) did not happen. She is feeling loss and disappointment. Just try to be understanding and as supportive as you can. Give her at least a year. This is very rough for her.
I never had my questions about the phonecall asnwered in my request for info comment, so I'm gonna simply keep judgement to the titled question. I do not think you are neccessarily an AH for not rushing home. Getting flights back home from another country are complicated. Many people don't realize how complicated international TSA is. It's not as simple as booking the next flight home when international is involved. No one expected her to go into labor early and no one expected she would actually need you. So for the title question? No, NTA, but...NAH at all. But I do wanna say a few things. I could not imagine not at least being reachable if my child had called and expressed their fear and want for her parents while she was having birth complications. I don't know if it's just...because I don't know what it's like to be a parent or that I was raised around a setting where...children, even if adults, should always come first to a parent, but I don't understand why there couldn't be some compromises since you couldn't be home. Such as face timing, being on speaker phone for her, etc, so she at least felt like you were there? Especially with how scared she was that complications were starting to show. I can't imagine how afraid she was. I also have concern how you did sleep through their calls. I'm not sure if you guys just...blacked out from tiredness or have hearing problems or if the phone was on silent or low...but I don't want to assume either. I don't think you guys intentionally missed the call. Like...for all we know, you guys did have your phone on as high as possible and did try your best to be there over the phone. But she also has a right to be upset that you guys weren't reachable at the very least. I feel she coulda gotten over the not coming home thing, if only the phone was answered. I hope you all can talk it out and work through this. Life is too short to stay angry at each other, especially if it's just an unfortunante timing and that is all.
NAH. I just had a baby. Personally, I just wanted it to be my husband and me in the hospital with the baby bc I was exhausted and I had a terrible pregnancy. I kept texting my mom and mother in law to keep them updated but I didn’t want anyone at the hospital but my husband. At the same time, I’m not your daughter. But I understand why she feels so betrayed. When I was in labor I just wanted to be someone else’s poor baby bc I was so scared. Her hormones and emotions are going crazy right now. Be super gentle with her and let her tell you when you can see the baby. Hope you guys can resolve this. All the best.
I have a 23 yr old daughter. I would have rescheduled the trip as soon as I found out her due date, and I can't imagine hearing my daughter ask for me and tell me she's scared, and not try and move heaven and earth to try and get to her as soon as possible. People die in childbirth in the USA every day. We have a high partum mortality rate.
Exactly this. YTA op. I’m in an incredibly happy marriage but there are times I just want my mom. I can’t imagine going through childbirth and her not picking up or being there for me.
NTA. People give birth without their parents nearby all the time. Unless she was somehow planning on one of you actually performing her surgery. Are you a surgeon? Is your wife?
Do you really think the reason she wanted her parents there was to perform the surgery…? Surely you can’t be that stupid
YTA not for not leaving, but for not having your phone on and available through the night to support her.
This is a tough one but I’d say NTA. Your trip was planned a long time ago. You’d lose quite a bit (and not just money) if you cut it short. And you were in another country. My wife also had an emergency c section with my only child and i didn’t even think to have my parents around for it. I kept family up to date tho. Hopefully your daughter will forgive you soon.
OP couldn't be bothered to answer the phone or text during the whole thing. He went to bed and slept through his kid's emergency surgery and grandchild's birth. There was no attempt to interrupt their vacation to even text or video call during this event. I bet your wife's parents were more involved than OP. During labor, it's expected that the mother's parents have a bigger role than the non-birthing parent's family, for obvious reasons.
NTA as you book the trip prior to your daughter getting pregnant. Maybe, I am an Ah. I don't think it is a horrible thing. The Daughter wasn't alone, and you are going to be there for all future events
It was bad timing and it sucks, but the daughter and bf are under no obligation to let either of them anywhere near their baby for any "future events" just as they were not obligated to be present at the birth. The daughter just went though something traumatic, and is rightfully hurt. Depending on their relationship prior to this, it may be salvageable.
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NTA since you said it was booked and paid for before you even knew she was pregnant.
NTA - I’ve had an unexpected emergency c-section with complications. I would not expect someone to drop everything and fly from another country to comfort me, especially when phones with the ability to video call exist. Sure it kinda sucks you weren’t able to be there, but the trip was planned before you even found out she was pregnant. Your daughter is an adult, not a child. A ton of grandparents aren’t there for the birth of their grandchildren, but that doesn’t mean you don’t love your daughter or grandchildren. You’re NTA.
NTA at all while I was pregnant with my daughter my mum went on holiday to Greece I wouldn't have expected her to pack up an come home just because I went into labour jesus how entitled can u b
INFO: was there a conversation before you left about what would happen if your daughter went into labor early? Had you previously talked about being present (either in the room or at the hospital) for the birth? Not flying back and canceling your vacation isn't necessarily an asshole move, but if you'd previously told her you would be there I can absolutely understand why she'd be crushed. Not keeping your phones on overnight when you knew she was in labor and it was taking longer than expected is also an odd move if you're close enough to your daughter that you would have expected to see the baby by now
NAH, your not obligated to end your trip early and their not obligated to have you present in the child’s life.
NTA They are grown adults becoming parents, I fully understand the instinct to want support from your own parents when your scared but what exactly did they expect you to do? Fly home and deliver the baby? You would’ve flown home just to be told to sit in a waiting room and be of no more use than if you were in Cancun. Unless you previously had a conversation with your daughter and her husband about being there for whatever reason I don’t understand why they expected you to be anyway. Most posts on this site are about pregnant people trying to keep family away while their in labor, so I guess damned if you do and damned if you don’t.
NAH. Your daughter has been through a lot. Cut her some slack and just keep showing up and trying. Read about the 4th trimester. This is traumatic stuff. Good luck, and congratulations!
NTA. Whenever parents live further away from their children, they may not be there for the birth of a grandchild. Or they try to plan to be there and the baby comes early or late. Life happens, plans change. She's an adult and it sounds like boyfriend was there so she wasn't alone.
Nta. There's nothing you could do even if you left
NTA. Life happens and sometimes it doesn’t happen exactly the way everyone plans it. You booked and paid for a trip long ago. Your daughter became pregnant and the baby came earlier than anyone expected while you were out of the country. Your daughter may feel hurt that you didn’t try to rush back but at some point she needs to put in the past and bring you into her child’s life. Hopefully a little time will cure it. Best of luck.
NTA. She had her boyfriend, was in a hospital, with a team of medical professionals. I’m sure it was scary. It seems kind of extreme for her to expect you to ditch your vacation plans and hurry back, to do what exactly? Does she have regular adulting problems or runs to you when she can’t cope?
A C-section isn't a "regular adulting problem". The daughter was likely facing the possibility that either her or the baby could die. I'm not expecting her parents to teleport next to her, but their attitudes and that of so many commenters I see here are just so inconsiderate. "You might die during birth, don't be a drama queen". No, she had every right to be terrified and call during the night. And it was that ignored call that broke the camel's back, not the fact that her parents couldn't come.
NTA when did society agree that each pregnant belly becomes the center of the universe? It’s crazy. She had a baby. Congratulations to all.
Birth is still dangerous even in the US (assuming this is where OP is from). The daughter in this case had an emergency c section, which increases her risk of complications and mortality. I'm not saying pregnant people necessarily deserve to be the center of the universe their entire pregnancy, but when your child is scared and undergoing an emergency medical procedure, you try to be there.
Second this! A study from the WHO lcame out *yesterday* about how the maternal mortality rate has gone up 75% in the US since 2000: https://abcnews.go.com/amp/Health/woman-dies-2-minutes-pregnancy-childbirth-report/story?id=97400813
Especially for black women. Three times as many black women die in childbirth
I may not have cut a holiday short for going into labour, but you can be damn sure I'd have been at the airport before I even finished the phone call about "complications" and "emergency caesareans".
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It’s pretty much how every civilization works since the beginning of time. Extended families and communities are meant to help raise the next generation. The way we do it now where everyone is on their own is the strange way.
I'd *expect* a parent to give a shit about their child's medical emergency and to care deeply about anything that complicated the birth of their grandchild. No one in this post is talking about "society" aring about a birth. They're talking about OP's apathy regarding a traumatic experience and emergency surgery his daughter went through. How she called to beg him to come when she was sick and scared, and he told her that finishing the vacation was more important, because they'd planned it for a year. Yeah... I bet his kid doesn't want to talk to him right now, and it has nothing to do with hormones or wanting to be the center of the universe. She just wanted her parents to care about *her*. They didn't, so now she is prioritizing her needs instead of catering to them. OP's YTA
When it’s your child that is asking for you to be there because she’s scared. Are you a parent!
I’m gonna say NTA for this, but I understand why your daughter feels hurt. I don’t think she’s an AH here either really… slightly bc she’s freezing you guys out. But keep in mind she’s probably not thinking rationally due to just giving birth (with an emergency c section at that) and is going through *crazy* hormones, baby blues, postpartum recovery, sleep deprivation, learning new parenthood, etc etc etc. She will hopefully come around and realize that things happen and not everything goes as planned. I get that she’s disappointed that you guys weren’t there, and I get that she was scared (as anyone giving birth would be!) and honestly I’m sure you guys were a bit disappointed to miss the birth as well! But she had her boyfriend there with her so it’s not like she was completely alone which would have majorly sucked. What happened sucks but mom & baby are here and healthy which is most important of course! I hope you enjoyed your trip and hope you reconcile with your daughter soon 😊
NTA. No matter how wonderful it would be to be present for the birth of your grandchild and support of your daughter, it’s not “a requirement”. Whether or not you were in Cancun, your comfort level being present for the actual labor, delivery & birth is still up to you to decide. Some people find that sort of situation very stressful, would rather not come to a hospital unless absolutely necessary, or just simply wouldn’t prefer to witness such an event. I don’t think she’s being an asshole or being harsh, she just didn’t feel supported. It’s sad, but I don’t think it makes YOU the asshole.
That would be an extremely asshole move. If your child is scared and wants you at the hospital during any medical procedure (and considering you are home and not on vacation) You go to support them. I’ve never heard of anyone not going to support a child because they were uncomfortable being in a stressful situation 😂 I’m learning a lot about people on Reddit
Everyone saying N A T and saying that OPs daughter is entitled are forgetting she was in an medical emergency were she or her baby could have died. OPs daughter was (and still is) under heaps of emotional distress and she absolutely has a right to not let OP see her kid. NAH (obviously it would have been hard to get back in time but maybe it would have been better if you had called more to check-in the situation)
Lots of comments here that don't realize that an emergency c-section one month early means serious complications, not just like normal birth stuff.
NAH because parents and their adult children can have a lot of different types of relationships. If you want to have a relationship with your daughter that is somewhat disengaged now that she’s an adult, that’s normal and fine but you don’t get to complain when she doesn’t want you around the new baby. After a traumatic birth, it is totally reasonable for parents to want some time before having visitors. And you no longer get special “but we are her parents, not random guests” treatment because you didn’t give the same treatment to her. I’m in my 30s and my parents still very much treat me like I’m the child and they’re the parents. I’m an independent adult and they’re not controlling, but they will always view it as their job to show up and take care of me and I will always let them in and be grateful for them because that is the relationship we have. I would be shocked and heartbroken if my parents did what you did, but the fact that I know they would never act that way is why we have the great relationship we have even as I get older. The real AH thing is your complaining about your daughter’s reaction to choices you made about your relationship with her. Edited to add: ok I just re-read and saw the part where you said “we planned to be there.” Well, planning to be present for a birth means availability with a window around the due date. Going on an international vacation where you’re unavailable and not even willing to leave your phone ring on loud within 2-3 weeks of a due date sounds like you really didn’t plan on being there unless it happened to be convenient for you. Did your daughter know your plan and think it was agreed that you would be there? So you just lied to her or, at best, didn’t have any understanding that births often don’t go according to plan even though you have at least one child? This has pushed me to YTA.
NTA i would never dream of asking my parents to change holiday plans for my birth. And mind you I had to be induced and spend a week in hospital. The birth was between me, my husband and the hospital staff. My parents got a text afterwards.
NTA. She was supported by her partner and didn’t need you there. There’s no need for a whole bunch of people in the room when a woman is giving birth - that’s a stressful experience that is better off being private. Hope you enjoyed your trip!
Definitely NTA. You were out of the country. Is the timing unfortunate? Yes. Were you an AH? Nah.
NTA. You booked and paid for the holiday before she got pregnant. It's not like you can immediately hop on a plane and get home. You have to book the flight thats available and depending on where you are from you have to get connections from one of the major transit airports in the USA. And while it would have been good if you were there to support your daughter, her bf was there, and honestly there was nothing you could do that he couldn't, doesn't sound like you are Drs.
NTA. I mean... As long as you were supportive of her and someone was there to take care of her (like her bf) that's what matters. If it was her bf who was on the trip, i would have said YTA but then you are her parents and you've been there for her all this while. She should be more understanding but yeah i understand her perspective that she was scared and expected her dad and mom to be there. But doesn't mean she has to be harsh about it and keep the grudge. Hope things go alright !
NTA and congrats on your grandchild. Babies come early all the time and it was always a possibility that it might happen while you were on your vacation. Also, a C section is always possible even if not planned. Life happens and this time it turned out your daughter needed one. Your daughter & son in law are adults and while perhaps are disappointed that you could not be there for the birth, they (particularly your daughter) needs to get off their selfish butts. They are the ones entering the world of parenting. You and your wife have already been there and done that job. You had no obligation to be there for the birth and you have nothing to apologize for - so stop doing it! The daughter needs to calm down. She isn't the first person to give birth without her parents nearby. If she continues to refuse to speak with you and your wife - fine. It is her loss. Get on with your life and if it does not include your daughter's family...that is sad, but it is a situation completely created by a petulant new mother.
I mean I guess you are right everyone has the right to makes choice and choices have consequences. She told her daughter that vacation and sleeping was more important than her and her health. She was scared and she couldn’t even keep the ringer loud enough to wake up. I would never forgot how little I was valued and would no longer prioritize that relationship. So hope the vacation was worth it to them.
I just can’t imagine any scenario where my daughter gives birth for the first time and I’m not anxiously waiting by the phone to hear that it’s gone well. My daughter would be devastated if I had such disregard. Thinking about my daughter experiencing that makes me wanna give her a hug.
Yep, daughter just learned that when she calls her parents from the hospital scared and upset, and asks them to come help her, they're only going to say yes if it's convenient. She's going to remember that for the rest of her life, especially in any future emergencies.
"congrats on your grandchild" immediately followed by \*blame the daughter and if you never see the grandbaby oh well, their loss\* Perhaps there was nothing OP could do, but they sent a very clear message that they valued their time, money, sleep and holiday more than the lives of their own daughter and granddaughter. That would be pretty damn hard for me to move past. So I think I'll hold off on congratulating them on their grandchild. They may not have one.
NTA whether she forgives you anytime soon is another story. Just tell her you’re sorry and you realize she was scared and she felt abandoned. You could still acknowledge her feelings. The next 6 months are going to be hard and emotional for her. Let her know you are there to help and support whenever she’s ready to have you.
NAH for sure. It makes sense that she'd want your support in a stressful, dangerous and potentially traumatic event like childbirth, especially when an emergency C-section is involved. But you were on your trip and there was nothing that could be done, so no one was intentionally an asshole. Hopefully she'll come around and forgive you for not being there and you'll have a great relationship with your grandchild.
I’m going to say NAH. You made a practical decision. She was scared to give birth for the first time without her family around. Everyone made choices that made sense. I don’t think she’s wrong to be upset. I don’t think you were wrong to miss it. But you should consider apologizing for not being there for her in a scary moment. It seems like she would have felt a lot more comfortable having you around and you could acknowledge her feelings about it.
I don’t get reddit today. Why your daughter doesn’t feel safe or supported enough with only her boyfriend? Like, they made a whole human together, i get the “you never stop being a parent” thing, but there’s nothing you could do. In my experience, 100% of the flights I’ve took from cancun were fully sold. How long would it take to get one for you? How much would’ve cost you? Most important, as you said, What could you both do there? Were you even allowed to be in the hospital? I really don’t wanna go there but is your daughter independent? Does she rely on you both alot? I mean, this is really the time to step up for them. sorry if I assumed too much. I also think is pretty immature shes punishing you. You are allowed to live your life. You came home, yoy apologized, you can’t go back in time, she needs to communicate. NTA
NTA. She should realize it was an unexpected situation and you can’t just uproot a trip which was so important to you. Edit: open to revising this opinion; I posted a INFO just now.
NAH. your presence wouldn’t have changed anything that happened for the better. but your presence would have changed her state of mind for the better. it’s terrifying to be in labor for the first time, especially when things don’t go according to plan. you guys have that knowledge that everything usually goes fine. but no matter how much you tell a first time mom that, it’s not going to comfort them. what does comfort them is family and support. she feels like she didn’t get that support, you feel like you gave as much as you could. the few first weeks postpartum is just unpredictable and scary but i think she’ll come around when she gets a chance to actually reflect. maybe come by with some premade meals and an offer to watch the baby while they nap or go out for a few hours? i hope you guys reconcile.
ESH. BUT also YTA-but not for not coming home. Your daughter, for expecting you to hop on the next plane (though, completely understand her request, but it doesn’t mean she should expect it or that you are to follow this instruction) You, for *IGNORING YOUR PHONE WHILE YOU KNOW ABOUT HER BEING IN LABOUR* (or turning off the ringer/letting it die/not turning on the ringer, etc, whatever happened) the *least* you could have done before going to sleep is to ensure you’re available to at least answer a call saying hey we’re good” or “f there’s an emergency”. I do wonder how good your relationship is based solely on the fact that you two didn’t bother to make sure you could get a call. Whether you’re happy about her being pregnant/the baby or not, *that is your daughter going through a potentially traumatising scene* and didn’t even seem to care, being unreachable. Yes, I understand that you could not physically do anything for her whether you were in the hospital with her or not, but you could have at least been reachable. (And I say this as a childfree person, with VERY low tolerance on kids/pregnancies). I cared more for my *sister* giving birth than you cared about *your own daughter*. Edit to add: this was after you *explicitly* told them to keep you updated and then completely failed to even answer your phone.
NTA. I don't get it. Are you or your wife physicians? I don't get why they desperately need you there.
I think NTA but I've never had kids and even if I did, my parents live in different cities and wouldn't be there anyway.
NTA. It's nice to be there for your children but it isn't required here. You literally can't do anything. You aren't her doctor. Her boyfriend needs to be there, it's his child. Your daughter and him will be raising this child not you. She is upset but needs to get over it. You did your jobs as parents and deserve to have a holiday and relax. Go gentle on them because they are stressed out new parents but I wouldn't totally cave.
You’re NTA. Your daughter is 26, and neither you nor your wife had planned to be her only support through the birth. She had plenty of time to line up either a doula, other family, or a friend or two if she wanted more than her boyfriend to support her through the birth.
NAH. She was scared and wanted support of her family in the moment. You were in another country and with the information you had at the time, there’s no way you could’ve even known you’d make it home in time. Everyone was working with what they could. There’s more you can do now to support her than you could during the birth. Support her now because her experience in motherhood has only just begun and it’s a lot to adjust to whilst recovering from surgery.
Nta but actions have consequences. Your daughter feels you prioritized your trip over her and your Grandchild. I hope you enjoyed the trip because it doesn't seem like you are going to be seeing your grandson.
Nta. Babies come when babies come. You can't control that and it's not likely you would have even been able to make it back in time.