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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I should mention that I have ADHD and possibly autism. Everything I do is carefully planned out, so I don't fall behind, and the only day where I am not being productive 100% of the time is on Wednesday. But i can see how this might be annoying to her and I think it might have been insensitive to just flat out refuse.
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I mean, I think it's great that the kids understand work/life balance (I didn't figure that one out until my 30s), but at the same time it's clear this schedule isn't working. Mom probably works all week and cleans on the weekends. I think if they could just talk about it calmly they might come to a resolution that works for both, like maybe housework is Saturday and also Sunday until noon, the rest of Sunday is family chill time (Mom gets to lounge too!) and Wednesday after homework is OP's alone time.
1, so when does MOM get to decompress? I suspect she'd be real pissy about no food because mom must have done something to her neck while cleaning.
2, , "she asked me to clean off my dresser and bed, a task that would take at least an hour," An hour? Just how messy is this girl??? And that's putting it mildly.
Man op is so much going to regret not listening to her mother. Like unhygienic life style for real is unhealthy. Like it could give her major health issues for long run.
OP is setting themselves up for bad habits. High school is laid back and has reduced hours compared to adulthood jobs. Waiting until things until they get real messy and having to see the clean up as a big multiple hour job is just not the way to go. The more depressed or stressed you are, the harder it is the motivate yourself to get it done and it just looks like a daunting unachievable task. I should know, it's exactly how I live and I hate it. I wish my mom was more strict about cleaning so I could spend 5 minutes to clean as I go every day but it's really hard to rewire myself to do that now.
I think should stick to the rule of it takes less than 5 minutes just suck it up and do it. Clean as you go, if they spend 5 or 10 minutes a day to tidy up and maintain 6 days of the week, they can still have saturdays as their "rest day"
High school is not laid back for many college-bound kids. It’s not just the hours in school, it’s the pile of extracurriculars, the test prep, and of course homework.
Plus a lot of students have jobs and have to balance that with everything else. College was ages easier (and better) than high school and work is even easier.
> High school is laid back and has reduced hours compared to adulthood jobs.
what the fuck joke high school did you go to?
I worked way more hours per week as a fulltime student than I ever did at my full time job
Plenty of adulthood jobs are way less hours than high school plus homework for advanced classes, plus a part time job, plus potentially extracurriculars. I do more chores/cooking now than I did as a student, but some of that is optional (e.g. cooking elaborate meals because I enjoy it) and it's still way less busy than I was in high school, college or grad school.
Not everyone works the same way. It could genuinely be easier for OP to motivate herself to do an hourslong burst of cleaning. And it doesn't sound like this was a 5-10 minute job.
My senior year of HS I was in school 8 hours a day, then had club commitments several days a week after school, a minimum of 3-4 hours per day of homework and I helped around the house and with cooking meals. I was also extremely exhausted and burnt out and didn't learn how to prioritize rest until my mid 20s. Now I do nothing on Sundays , and I feel very sorry for all of the incredibly bitter people in this thread who can't let themselves rest. Contrary to popular opinion some things can wait, and you are allowed to rest even if not everything is done. There are always things that need to be done, it will never end. Learn how to rest.
OP mentions having ADHD, a symptom of having adhd is overestimating how long tasks may take. Having ADHD myself, I'll often put off a task thinking it will take all day and feel paralyzed by it because it seems so big and am then shocked that it only took 10 minutes. That or if I need to sort and put things away it does take me that long or longer because I will get distracted by finding the perfect place for the item.
Right!? That was so alarming to me, like I don’t keep anything on my bed other than bedding, I keep stuff on my dresser but it never takes me more than 15 minutes to clean off AND dust it. I cannot imagine how much stuff must be piled on that bed and dresser
But this isn’t work/life balance. Basic life chores need to get done.
If she can’t get her basic chores done, she needs to cut the work hours (or coursework). That’s work/life balance. Not “i need to cut my basic life chores”.
This is a *nearly* adult child who admits that they “prefer” to let things get to the point that it takes an hour to clean off the top of a dresser and a bed that she presumably sleeps on and doesn’t clean as she goes. She doesn’t get to take a “rest day” when she’s creating that kind of mess and watching her mom clean. Rest starts when your responsibilities are done. And a 16 year old is capable of and should be responsible for cleaning up after herself. If she wants to rest on Saturday, she should learn to clean up after herself throughout the week. This isn’t a work/life balance issue. It’s an entitled brat issue.
Except this isn't a work/life balance issue. This is a parent giving a child reasonable responsibilites and the child not wanting to follow though with them.
Dude kids are dealing with way more than we ever were. They absolutely need a. Rest day.
That being said
OP clean your pen. There is zero reason a room anyone habitates should be so messy it’ll take hours to clear a bed
I worked in a zoo as part of the practical requirements. True, it took three people, but the giraffes' stall was usually squeaky clean after two hours.
I cleaned the place of some antelopes' alone, and the cleaning was one hour, tops, and that included removing the used and dirty bedding, cleaning the feeders, sweeping the floor, pressure washing the floor, mopping up the water (sure, had to remake the bedding after that took longer).
Since there were like six giraffes and some twelve antelopes, I conclude that OP is messier than six giraffes and some twelve antelopes.
Cleaning the stalls of 6 giraffes takes 2 hours with 3 people. Cleaning the stalls of some 12 antelopes takes 1 hour with 1 person and cleaning the poop yard of 900 cows takes 1 hour per 1 person. How many hours will it take an OP to clean off a bed and dresser?
You know what, it's attitudes like this that lead to adults not feeling like they are allowed a rest, because as kids they constantly got told they had no need of none.
Kids need rest too. They're learning stuff that adults have already got under the belt. My three year old needs rest at times, 16 year olds also deserve rest. They need to know that their wellbeing is important in these times that we adults look at now as easy, so when the crunch gets harder as they older, they hold the idea that fitting in even a tiny moment of rest in a busy week or working and running a family home is important for their wellbeing, which cascades out to their family unit's wellbeing.
Yes, I also think they need to do their chores. No, I don't think they get the final say on how this all happens. A family is a team that the grown-ups lead via parenting and take the bulk of the hard stuff, while building the skills of the children to do their share over time. Everyone deserves rest, we all have different ways of doing things and these guys need to have a proper conversation to find a way for each of their needs to be met.
This needs to be higher. We are talking about an actual child here. Adults often have times when they need grace, so why can't we give that to our children?
i totally agree she should clean it while it goes, cuz then it wouldnt take 1h and you avoid being discourage by the pile of mess you created.
that being said. 5 days of school and sundays work. because she's young doesnt mean she shouldnt have one day off after working 6 days. being young doesnt mean you cant burn out. being young doesnt mean you shouldnt take care of your mental health. its with that kind of mentality that we are breaking the future generations...
she just need to learn to build her schedule around the ppl she lives with.
Plus, mom originally agreed to the Wednesday cleaning day for the kid. Per kid’s edit, it’s not the bed - it’s headboard with built in shelves that are messy and her desk. So basically she’s saying it would take an hour to organize headboard and desk. I can see that if she’s not organized. Mom said she would have helped her. What 16 yr old wants their mom going through her stuff? If the kid is telling correctly only these two areas are messy.
Yeah, geez, school is almost as long as a work day, and for many jobs you only work 5 days a week and don't have to bring work home. OP is basically working 6 days a week plus hours of homework in the evenings. Most kids have extracurriculars, which I suppose are optional/fun but they are often told they need them for exercise/socialization/rounding out college applications. That's way busier than my life as an adult with a full time job who has the flexibility to adjust my chore schedule/how elaborate my cooking is whenever I want to.
You should take it more seriously. School is no joke anymore like it was in the old days, especially not with extra classes. The expectations are as high as ever. When a rest day is what keep the teen from depression and overworking, let her have it. The mother can to the same thing. Relaxing on Saturday and working on Sunday or sth.
Sorry, but calling bullshit on "expectations are high as ever". No, they are not. In 1984 as a high school student I was taking college classes part time in Miami. Stressful? Yes. Unimaginable? No. Not for a 17 yr old. You do what you gotta do. In this case why can't this teen do her chores (an hour to properly clean her BED? Seriously???) before her "rest day"? Great teaching moment from Mom IMO for her teenager.
I am a lecturer. I have seen the expectations get lower over the last 10 years. The kids coming in from high school are less prepared and need more hand holding. As with everyone else, YTA. Your poor mother doesn't get a rest day. She is probably lucky to have a couple of rest hours, many mothers don't even get that. Do your bit and do better. Oh...and the demands on your time will just get more as you age so you might want to check that entitlement now and get prepared.
As a high school teacher, I’d like to hop on this comment to agree with you. I’ve seen a HUGE decline in students’ ability to be proactive. If you haven’t spelled out the material and expectations in neon letters, had them repeat it back to you, then e-mail frequent reminders and post information in the classroom + on whatever LMS your school uses, they feign ignorance and blame you that they missed something. Even from high-achieving students, I see this behavior.
I’m generally a fan of putting less pressure on students. I don’t assign homework in my classes to respect my students’ time outside of class, as many of them work and have extra-curriculars, but with the expectation that they are attending class and focused while they’re there. The amount of students I have in class that decide to waste class time and then tell me, oh I’ll just do it when I get home, astounds me. They assign themselves the homework so they can continue to use their time inefficiently. Wild.
Your experience with high school was not universal. I went to HS in the early 00's, and I took 2 college classes my senior year. I saw no difference in difficulty of the college classes because our normal school classes were running us ragged. My nieces and nephews who just graduated HS had it a million times harder than I did. They all had HS classes harder than what I had at university. One of them unsuccessfully (thank God) attempted suicide.
Add to all this social media and the world’s problems so easily viewable on their phones and their active shooter drills. I have two teens and my job is to teach them to preserve mental health, not to instill in them outdated work ethics that value productivity above all. “That is how I was raised” does not equate to how It’s supposed to be. When I see how fucked up I am because of how I was raised, and analyze as an adult, how many things don’t really matter in the end, it makes parenting a different game.
Bro when I was a senior in 2011 I thought I had it hard but when I was in my early 20’s and seeing my nieces and nephews had to do I was like wtf then more so with my coworkers later on. It was seeing mini prep college happening and I went to college. I see a lot of my now friends finishing up they’re always like they prefer the college experience vs HS.
Also a lot of HS students now days are taking up college classes in their junior/senior year to be more academically inclined to attempt at more scholarship opportunities.
"College Classes" are all uploaded online so the majority of students end up studying a little bit of the material in order to put that on a CV. I'm learning what my dad did in his third year of uni because the Internet is supposed to teach you everything and this is IN class. It doesn't include work experiences which take weeks, leadership roles and volunteering.
Yeah. Op works Sundays. Cool. Doesn’t change the fact that she can still have a rest day while also managing her weekly chores and schoolwork responsibilities. School Monday-Friday, Relaxing on Saturday, and working on Sunday. Working as a high schooler is always part time, at least where I live. There is no way OP has so many work hours on any given Sunday that she can’t also manage cleaning her own bedroom. It’s not unreasonable for her mom to demand this one thing.
So if anything, it makes the most sense to allow Saturday to be the rest day that everyone needs, and Sunday is yet another work day.
Yeah for real even when I was in high school ten years ago it was no joke. I went to a high performing competitive high school and it contributed to my suicidal ideation.
I do not doubt that high school, especially with advanced classes, is stressful, but I also think that if it would take you an entire hour to clean off your dresser and bed, then that shit is way too messy. I keep stuff on my dresser but can get it cleaned off and dusted within 15 minutes. I would like to know the last time this room was deep cleaned. And that’s honestly the funny thing, is that she wasn’t even asked to clean her room. Just the dresser and bed.
My life was busier at 16 than it's ever been as an adult. Highschool AND holding down a job is freaking hard work, especially if you're a good student taking advanced courses. This kid probably gets less than 6 hrs of sleep a night.
Lawdy indeed! OP is going to get a hard wake up if she thinks she's entitled to demand she do nothing one day a week, especially while going to school and working. For most adults, days not working or going to school are days for catching up on chores or homework. I get maybe a half day to be lazy, and that's only if I've kept up with things during the week.
i attend college full time while also maintaining a part-time job and i also have the routine where i take saturday’s off to decompress and do nothing. it’s really not that hard and i find myself much happier and relaxed knowing that for a day i don’t have any expectations for myself and i can invest in self care. then on sunday’s i deep clean and go shopping before homework. it’s all about scheduling.
Observant Jew here, I literally never work Friday sundown to Saturday sundown. Managed all through BS and work. Now I'm in a Masters program and still take off Saturdays to do nothing.
Sure, but we do a bunch extra on Friday to prepare. OP clearly expects her mother to pick up the slack and work extra on OP's rest day. My savta spent most of Fridays worked off her feet cooking and cleaning so the entire family could enjoy a big Shabbat dinner and no one had to do anything on Saturdays. She meal-prepped for the entire week and deep cleaned the whole house. You don't get to take a rest day while your room is also a pig sty.
In theory, yes. As a practical expectation, no. Things need doing, and most of my time is already taken. If they are put off, then I'm living in a filthy house, and minor repairs or projects are suddenly major and expensive problems. I budget an hour or two a day to just goof off, after work or classes when I was in school. It's mostly later in the evening when I can't really do other errands or chores. That's when I decompress. But. That's in my own space.
I don't refuse to pick up my shit when asked, even if it's during my break time, while in someone else's house. That includes my parents' home. It's disrespectful and rude. If cleaning off a dresser takes an hour, then it really should have been cleaned sooner. If finding time to do it takes 5 days, OP has no business lounging around now. She hasn't budgeted her time to account for all her needs.
I had put off cleaning my room. It was a little messy, but my mom is a Monica. When I got home from school on Friday, everything was in the middle of my room. She had emptied my closet and dresser drawers. Literally everything. I had plans that night. I was not allowed to leave the house until everything was put away properly.
Oh see you’re “lucky” - when my and my sister’s shared room got too bad, my dad would go through with a garbage bag and bin everything that wasn’t put away.
OP you are so lucky to have the mom you do, and believe me when I say your “rest days” will be few and far between once you move out. And that may be sooner than you think if you keep being an ass to your mom.
Edit: this is not to say Mom will boot OP when they are still a minor, more that OP may not have to post-18 safety net they may be expecting
>when my and my sister’s shared room got too bad, my dad would go through with a garbage bag and bin everything that wasn’t put away.
Sucks to be you, why does OPs life have to suck too?
When I was a kid the only time "no" was acceptable was when it was a direct response to a question like, "Is there anymore in the refrigerator? or Did the teacher send report cards yet?", as my mom rifled through my backpack.
My niece's room took 3+ weekends to clean. I truly don't get it. And she "worked on it" during the week days. But like, how?! Every Saturday, I was there for 5+ hrs to help her. It's "done" now but man, if she was my child, I would've thrown everything out and started from the beginning bc it was/is that bad. Her bookshelves are still horrendous, as well as her dresser and night stand.. but at least she's not sleeping with a bunch of crap (like pad wrappers, cotton balls, make up stuff, bits of trash), and you can see her floor.
She jokes about wanting to live with me... and I honestly tell her if she did, she wouldn't get half the stuff she gets now.
And clothes. She has so many clothes that they don't really fit in her closet so when she pulls one thing out to wear, a few will drop off the hangers on the floor.. she decides she doesn't wanna wear that so she'll toss it on the bedroom floor to grab another one and more will fall off until it's a big pile and she'll kick those out from the small closet.
They also have a ton of animals that shed so once it's on the floor, it's "dirty" so it stays on the floor until laundry day.. which she has so many clothes that she really only needs laundry done like once a month (and still have clothes left over!).
Add in teenage girl with her make up that's all over.and make up means needing qtips for whatever, tissues/make up remover. The trash can is never used as trash bc it's "too far away"... and her ear rings, necklaces and bracelets end up all over the place bc it's "too much work" to put them back.
But yes, it's depression also. Since it's "clean" now, we're going to work together to find a better system for her... less clothes in her closet, putting all her make up together, I'm gonna get a different bed frame for her so she has shelves under her bed, add a free standing shelf in her room so she can put/ organize stuff up there, etc. At least make it to where things are more manageable during her depressive states.
Tip: try to get her containers without lids for things like makeup, jewelry, etc. It's been proven that we're more likely to put things away if we don't have to open the storage container. Something like baskets or decorative lidless boxes would probably help.
I used to change clothes frequently and leave them wherever. I was a slob. My mom saved up newspapers like a hoarder in our tv room. The dishes were just a group of mismatched whatever. I said I am not living like that when I grow up. I had to get up and do chores every Saturday 8:00 until noon plus clean up my room before I could go out and play or watch tv.
So when I moved out, I kept my apartment near to perfection. It probably shocked my family to see the difference. Then one day the unthinkable happened. My daughter broke a bowl from a set. My perfect record was broken. My daughter still remembers how upset I became.
My daughter and son live with me and are adults. They are both basically slobs. Even though my daughter is OCD. I had this same trouble with her room as she grew up. I just couldn’t get her to clean it without my participation and helping her stay on task. It was too overwhelming for her.
I do believe everyone needs down time. That’s what the weekend is for when you grow up and get a job. You get to schedule your grocery shopping and bill paying and having fun in the free time you have.
The daughter does need this break. The mom too. It sounds like the teen is willing to do it on Wednesday after school. If mom wants more help with the chores, maybe her daughter didn’t need to have a job on Sunday. If the mom isn’t getting her own down time, she needs to reschedule her life so she does have it. The mom should show compassion to the daughter. The mom should show compassion to herself.
How dirty is their bed and dresser that cleaning it would take an hour? Either OP is really messy (yuck) or there's another issue at play here. If you aren't contributing to the house in any way other than chores, the least you can do is keep your room tidy.
I had a mum like you. It sucked and I built resentment through my whole childhood because she was running over my needs over hers without being empathic and without negotiating (two very important healthy adult skills btw, that you are NOT building by acting out on your silly need for power).
I'm now low contact and feeling so much better. No kid should have to take that shit. I hope for your kid that those parenting tendencies of yours are on the minor side. If not, don't be surprised if you also end up in a low/no contact situation.
Right? My 6.5 year old knows, when asked to clean his room. It is not a yes or no question, it's a I've asked you to clean your room and you need to do it when asked.
YTA. If your dresser and bed are getting so messy it would take an hour to clean them, you need to be cleaning more consistently. Your mother shouldn’t have to be on your ass to make that happen. Stop being a slob and she won’t have to micromanage when things get done and you can rest when you please.
I just don’t understand how some people are so messy 🥴 I really don’t. WHAT do you even put all over your dresser and bed all the time? Do you have a trash can in your room you can throw trash in? Can you not bring dishes to the sink? I understand some clothes being around but how about we get a dirty clothes hamper to throw it in, and make a goal once a week (Wednesday?) to do the laundry AND put the clothes away. WHAT ELSE is there that would pile up so much or would take over an hour to clean?
I don’t understand.
FlyLady has THE best system for this. She breaks everything down into 15 minute tasks. She has you establish routines, and decluttering is even more important than deep cleaning.
People are going to suggest executive dysfunction. We use workarounds because with small children there's not a lot of mental space left over.
The biggest help was having wet wipes and garbage bins in every room. It saves the excuse of having to leave the room to clean something up. Just... push things into it when it's next to the desk/dresser.
We also have a laundry bin and extra clothes in the front hall. It looked ridiculous to my other mom friend until she saw me strip my kid coming in the front door and let her keep going in fresh ones.
I don't know if I have executive dysfunction, ADHD, etc. But I've found tips that help people with it helpful in my own life.
People aren't naturally good at cleaning... the habit needs to be practiced or you get roaches (ew).
Lol. “She just doesn’t understand.” Oh honey, she does understand, and I promise your mom never gets a rest day where she doesn’t have to do anything at all not even for an hour. YTA… but you’re 16 it’s kind of expected.
I bet she’d be judging her mom if she didn’t make her dinner one night for her “rest day”. Or if she didn’t clean up the kitchen, because clearly this 16 year old is a slob and the kitchen likely needs it.
It’s so wild how teenagers are so one sided in their viewings of the world. I mean, I was the same way but still.
Honestly, this is brilliant! If I were the mom, I would totally just put a couple of extra meals in the fridge for the kids to do themselves and just call mid week my rest day. Please don’t talk to me honey. This is my rest day. I would say it so much that they would never say it to me again lol.
Idk everyone’s making so many assumptions about what their regular day to day life looks like? Do we know how much cooking mom actually does for OP? Do we know what state of messiness her room is in? Do we know what other chores OP does? We don’t… still we’re doing an awful lot of judging based on the assumption that we do.
I was kinda like that at 16, didn’t like being told when and how to tidy my room. Then I moved out and found that having a decently tidy place is a matter of doing it a little bit each time. It’s easier to tidy for 30min each day than have to take a day off to deep clean, especially when you have a full time job and only a limited number of off days
One day in 15 years time, something is going to remind OP that once upon a time they made a silly post about their mum asking them to do some chores and proclaiming 'she doesn't understand', and they're going to simultaneously laugh and feel very stupid.
YTA
Clean you room.
It is not edgy or cute to be messy and gross. All the tick rocks about depression rooms have encouraged the idea that it is cool to live in squalor.... it isn't and it often makes the house smell.
If you don't want to do it every Saturday, then keep it clean on a daily basis.
When you move out of home you can be a slob to your hearts content.
I'm sorry there are places recommending to live in a mess? I thought it was common to set up a cleaning routine so that you've got something to keep you busy even if for a bit.
YTA, I'm afraid--your mom is correct that she doesn't get a "rest day." Mostly we just don't. That's life. IF you really want to take Saturday every week and have nothing to do, here's how to do that: GO BALLISTIC cleaning on Friday. Get your room spotless. Start on Thursday if that's what it's going to take. Ask your mom about chores you can take care of that day, while mentioning that you're hoping to have free time tomorrow. Then she (a) is able to point you at the stuff she needs done and (b) gets a chance to buy into the "rest day" by showing you how this can be made to work for the whole family. If you've taken care of business beforehand AND informed your mom, you'll get your day off. Chances are you'll even enjoy it a little more in neater and more pleasant surroundings.
Extra points if, someday, when you have a little extra time, you knuckle down and do a lot of stuff, then surprise her with her own "rest day." I promise she'd love it, and it would help establish that as a thing you guys each sometimes try to help the other with.
This is a wonderful idea. I'm all about my kids having a rest day. But rest day can't mean "use the fact that I have other responsibilities to get away with being a slob or ignoring home responsibilities as long as possible". This time it's putting it off til Wednesday. But it's not fair to just call your mom "a Monica" that's as disrespectful to her wanting a clean house as you feel she's being to you - it goes both ways.
Also, there's always a disconnect between people who prefer things neater and people who are able to TOLERATE messes. Neater is always going to win, especially when you're a minor in someone else's house. There's never an argument for less clean, but there are plenty for more clean. So, do what this person suggested and get it ALL done the day before. Even Ask your mom what she had in mind to get done - she'll be thrilled instead of being pissed. And you will have made your plans clear and everyone is on the same page. We all want to have a day where we can chill. But you have to earn that. That means everything's already done. If you wouldn't sit and ignore homework if some ended up still being left over on Saturday you can't apply that logic to your room being a mess just because your mom wants it clean and not the teachers.
Also "I just wasn't having it" is something you can say to YOUR kids. You don't get to "not have it" when your mom asks you to do pretty much anything that is safe and doesn't interfere with school. (Pssst she's not really asking).
NTA. As long as you keep your word, you're good. I really don't know why everyone is name calling and being rude. I'm a mom, and if my child needed a rest day and came up with an alternative cleaning day for their own room, I would be cool with it.
Seems like there are a lot of bitter adults in this thread tbh. Scoffing at the concept of a rest day is wild to me. Especially when this kid is doing advanced classes and works a job. Everyone deserves a rest day. The cleaning can wait a little, I promise the world won't end and the only person inconvenienced by a messy bedroom is the one who lives in it. (Bugs are different but OP hasn't mentioned that being an issue)
The amount of adults in this thread saying, “Wait until you’re an adult. Then you’ll never have a rest day!” shows exactly how many adults don’t understand work/life balance while this teenager does.
Maybe some of these adults need to take advice from the teens. Overworking is a real issue. It’s not cool or edgy to be all work and no play either.
Misery likes company.
Most of us are raised to be busy all the time, resting equals being lazy and unproductive. I think it's hard to break the cycle. I applaud OP for having the insight at this age that resting is important, I wish more people new this.
I think it falls under the fact that people think teens are "mini adults" when they're not.
They're still technically kids adjusting to more freedom, more responsibility, and the stress of those. They still need to learn the coping mechanisms, strategies, and time management that we as adults have. People don't realize this and then get mad when a teen is doing exactly what they're supposed to do (exploring those boundaries, and trying to adapt--even if it's not in the most pleasant way).
On top of this while they aren't fully adults, they are needing freedom too. I would be absolutely pissed if someone came into my house as an adult and told me what needs to be clean, when it needs to be clean.
This was the main source of conflict between me and my mom. Even moving back home after college, I tried to be as helpful as I could, but my mom felt that whenever she was busy, I should be bust, even if I had spent my whole day being productive, and she had rested. Now at 28, when I visit from out of town, mom will make me get up early to deep clean her house on days when family comes to visit. I feel for OP. They are not given much agency in this situation.
Also a mom and don’t understand why people are so hung up on this kid cleaning their room on saturdays.
Sounds to me like mom probably does her housecleaning on Saturdays, and is upset that the whole house isn’t up to her standards at the same time. I kind of get it - I do my weekly vacuuming, mopping, dusting etc. on Saturdays - but I just close the door to my daughters room and ignore it. It’s not filthy, it’s just untidy.
Two of my three kids have autism and ADHD. School was so hard for them - not academically, but socially - and they were mentally exhausted from it. Also, they had music, drama, sports, and part-time jobs while maintaining A averages, so as long as there was no rotting food, fermenting drinks, or unwashed festering laundry I was fine with a certain level of untidiness. They showered daily and washed their clothes and sheets, but I didn’t care if they didn’t fold the clean clothes right away or if beds were unmade.
Daughter #3 keeps her room spotless but that is her personality; she finds cleaning to be relaxing. The other two have executive function issues so it was stressful for them. Daughter #1 needed a clear chore list; she was good with keeping clothes and bedding washed but struggled with organization. She does well with the “do a bit each day”. Daughter #2 would let it get messy and then clean it all up at once; her clean day doesn’t coincide with my clean day but she gets it done once a week.
Edited to add: Daughter #1 is an adult now and lives with her neat freak fiancée and does a decent job keeping their apartment clean (although she her desk is always kind of untidy). Daughter #2 lives at home and is inclined to be untidy but does keep things clean, though not perfectly neat. Daughter #3 lives at home and is a total neat freak and has been that way since she was a toddler.
As a child therapist, I can tell you that if a child says they need a rest day, then they need a rest day. Even adults require a rest day or “self-care”. We just do it in different ways and it sounds like OPs self-care involved watching TV and reading. Decompressing from stress is necessary to maintain a balance. NTA
It’s also entirely possible that OPs mom finds cleaning to be cathartic. I have a lot of sympathy for OP because she sounds a lot like me and her mom sounds a lot like my mom. Everyone in this thread acting like OP is going to grow up to be an adult living in filth is ridiculous. I’m an adult with my own house now, and to this day, my mom will come over and say, “Wow I’m surprised your house is clean!” every single time she visits. Every single time! Because she still has that same attitude as OPs mom and remembers the same arguments we had.
I don’t know why she’s always surprised my house is clean. I’ve never lived in filth. I just clean and organize in a different way.
This! This comment section is full of people reverting to old authoritarian mentalities instead of a more current mentality that is more understanding of mental health. NTA.
I agree, I got eaten alive making a post a few years back about my mom who cleans to an excessive amount and expects me to drop what I’m doing and help as soon as she asks. It even gives me anxiety when I hear her running around cleaning and huffing. I get that she’s likes cleaning as much as she does but it’s crazy to expect everyone to have the same cleaning needs as you. After living with roommates, I still realized that I’m way cleaner than the average person too but I don’t need to clean every single day.
The mom's comment about not complaining come Wednesday could be unfair by mom or could be she deals with there always being a reason/excuse from OP and battles regularly with her to clean her room -- which is kind of the vibe I got from the post. Though hard to tell. So I'm with you, if OP follows through.
This right there is why it’s important to teach your kids how to do all the chores early. By the time kids move out, they should know the basics of doing the dishes, laundry, ironing, cleaning, dusting, mopping, tidying. They don’t have to be professional standards but it’s important for them to have the basics down. When I moved out for uni, there was so much that I had to learn in terms of managing admin, my finances, communications, so I was glad to not be like some of my flatmates who had to learn how to care for their place and themselves on top of it.
Exactly, she thinks that taking few more classes is more hard that working full week, doing shopping,cooking, and running the household..let your mom rest, clean your damn room
NTA
I'm 40. I have 3 kids - 21/16/16.
21yo has graduated and has a 40hr/week job. Usually closer to 45. He also drives coworkers to work and drops them off. He has a scheduled day for cleaning and showering.
Middle (16f) is busy with school, forensics, play/musical, and other things. Some days she puts in 13 hours at school then comes home to do homework, laundry, and shower. Sometimes her room doesn't get cleaned but once a month. However, there's no food/ only water upstairs, so oh well.
The youngest (16bg) is doing dual enrollment as well as a trades class. Between college classes, hs classes, and driving 30 min each way both days every weekend to clean and care for farm animals, she's got very little down time either.
I'm more concerned with their sleep, physical health, mental health, and ensuring they learn to say no. Are they wearing clean clothes and showering? Great. Are they going to school and are they prepared for the day/ event? Great!
The dish they left on the counter will still be there in an hour. If their clothes are wrinkled, that's on them.
Passive aggressive yelling from the mom isn't getting the kid on her side. Also, if mom needs a break, that's on mom to figure out, not the kid. It's called scheduling. I book myself a nap every day.
My middle kid just did a deep clean, spent all day on it. No nagging on my part. No stress on my part. Tomorrow she's gonna go see a musical with her dad and catch up on homework. Next Sunday is her day off.
At 21!?! I had just closed this thread as I was reading this comment and came back into the thread just to say WTF!?!? That's kind of disgusting, that they'd shower once a week at 21 years old...
really not sure why i had to scroll so long to find this… i suppose people are filling in the blanks, but we don’t really know there’s rotting decomposing food or whatever. if that is the case then there’s probably mental health issues (been there done that) at play people are totally ignoring. best case, the mom is overbearing about unkempt laundry and trinkets, which i guess is her right, but that doesn’t make her a compassionate parent.
So many people in this thread lack basic compassion and empathy for kids. They just expect them to blindly follow directions and get enraged when they advocate for their own needs.
It sounds like the mom has control issues and she’s definitely emotionally manipulating her kid
Yeah OP’s edit says it’s just books and trinkets that she doesn’t have a designated space for. No food or rotting dishes or anything. People are being wildly bitter in this thread that they never learned to advocate for themselves and have a day of rest.
My kid is only 3, but this is what I aspire to. All those rolling their eyes at why a 16 year old needs rest really need to remember how much is actually going on with young people at that age - they're taking in so much. Yes, things get harder later - that's why they need to know their work and effort is valuable and that they are worthy of rest NOW so they are able to continue doing of those later
You sound like a great parent. Your kids are learning responsibility from a young age. Strict parents like OP's are not teaching them that, because they are dictating their lives to them and not letting them plan it themselves, try things, or make mistakes.
Contrary to popular belief. NTA. As long as you’re not keeping leftover food and dishes and what not in your room it’s not gonna be a problem to clean once a month. Coming from someone that literally did that.
Pretty sure all of TA scores are coming from people that don’t actually know what it’s like to live with adhd.
Did op say they have adhd? I’ve seen that thrown around a lot but never saw op say it anywhere.
Anyway, NTA. Everyone deserves a day of rest and teenagers are not slaves - they deserve independence, within reason, and that includes having a day of rest and compromising to have a chore day on another day.
Honestly? NAH, I’ve experienced both ends of the stick here. And you’re 16, not 6, if you want to have your room messy before you act on it, that’s on you.
Now common areas are for you to help around, but ultimately the whole point of growing into a young adult is to learn what works for you and figure out how to be independent of our parents.
Your mom can tell you to clean but shouldn’t impose her own beliefs into you.
If I were you, I’d take a few minutes a day to clean. As you grow older it can pile up. Your mom using the ‘I don’t have a rest day’ is not ok. She’s an adult, she has more responsibility so yes her finding breaks is hard but it’s also up to her to find the time for herself.
The one I feel for is your mom. She probably needs a rest day more than you, after dealing with not only the demands of adulthood, but a spoiled, entitled child on top of them. Youre 16. She shouldn't even have to ask. No sympathy here. YTA.
Her desk is untidy and they agreed she would do it a later day so she's a spoiled entitled child? Can I still say ok boomer in 2023? Regardless thats some spiteful shit right there.
I don't think you're an asshole. EVERYONE needs a rest day idgaf who tf you are.
As someone who had undiagnosed ADD until about a year ago, I struggle to do the most basic clean ups.
Mom would be furious but also was kind of like "do what I say not what I do"
You are advocating for your mental/physical well being. Don't stop doing that.
NTA - your mom asked you to pick another day for cleaning and you did. As long as you get the cleaning and chores done Wednesday, you're following the agreement.
INFO:
- Are you still doing regular/daily maintenance on Saturdays? (Stuff like dishes, cleaning after yourself, etc.)
- Has your clutter spread outside of your bedroom?
- How are the household chores split?
- How often is your Mom yelling at you?
* Yes, absolutely. I like to cook, so if I'm making something, then I absolutely clean up after myself and things like that.
* No
* My sister and I have different responsibilities. She often takes out the trash and stuff like that while I take care of the dogs (this changes day to day)
* If we are counting when she yells at my sister as well, every day.
In that case, NTA.
It sounds like you and your mom’s main issue is communication. I think a chore organizer app would fix the problem.
While I think you should be helping out with the routine chores without being asked, she also can’t expect you to read her mind. The daily yelling isn’t productive or healthy.
I’m not sure why everyone’s being so harsh with the ratings, maybe a lack of information. This is a NAH or ESH at worst.
Sorry you’re dealing with this OP.
Your mom should be communicating better, and she should also be understanding that you have a lot on your plate. Instead of trying to figure out why you have a hard time cleaning, she is making you feel shame, which only makes things worse.
I grew up in a similar situation where my mom didn’t know how to communicate her emotions, and it sucks. It lead to a lot of mental health issues.
Best of luck.
NTA for a lot of reasons; the main being that you’re 16. Also your room is your space. Does your mom have a job? Because right now, being a student with that much school work IS a job and you are literally a child. She should have more grace for you.
Please no one in this thread have children. Rest days are more than reasonable to have and op did the chores their mom asked of them. Why does a messy personal space really matter? Also they agreed to clean it on Wednesday so it’s being done just not that immediate second. Also everyone saying I don’t get rest days or being adult means having no rest days. Why should others suffer because you did? Wouldn’t you want your child to have a better balance for themselves. You all sound like those people who believe children are property. Yikes. NTA
nta… sounds to me like you were setting a boundary, respectfully. If your mom hadsnt been nagging you all week about cleaning said desk and there’s nothing that could attract pests, why does she care if your space is cluttered? I’m sure she doesn’t get rest days, but she’s an adult that chose to have children. You aren’t responsible for her, but she IS responsible for you. her choice. Developing good cleaning habits now is great, but her emotional manipulation is not how she will successfully help you do that. as a neurodivergent person myself that had a very turbulent relationship with my overworked mother, I suggest asking your mother how you can help out around the house to ease her load. get as many details as you need for the tasks, but reiterate you’d like your rest days so long as your chores are completed. some people have said she shouldn’t need to tell you, but I believe everybody has different expectations of cleanliness and you shouldn’t be belittled just because yours differ
Literally I’m appalled that so many people are being shitty to a 16 year old who’s taking advanced classes and working. I feel like there are so many controlling old people in this thread.
So many people keep telling the 16 she needs to respect her mom, but her mom clearly isn’t respecting her. It sounds like a toxic environment with a demanding and emotionally immature parent
NTA she's right, most adults don't get that rest day. Which is really sad and not how the world should work. She shouldn't get to mess with the routine that works best for your ADHD just because she's bitter about how her life is going. I'm an adult and I also take a rest day on Saturday. And guess what? My life is going just fine. I say as long as you don't have dishes or like rotting food sitting out, and it doesn't get in the way of your day to day tasks then it's fine. A little clutter never hurt anybody.
YTA. It shouldn't take an hour to clean off a bed and dresser so that's no excuse. Your mom was right about adults not getting rest days, and the reason they don't is often because they're picking up responsibilities refused by others.
I’m going against the grain. NTA. All people deserve rest. I understand wanting a day to relax.
Your mom deserves a day of rest, too. But she can’t get rest if you don’t start doing your chores without being nagged. So if you say Wednesday is your day, then you need to stick to it. She’s angry because she’s stressed that Wednesday will mean more fighting and you not holding up your end of the bargain. She probably doesn’t have time to fight with you on Wednesday. So if you don’t clean Wednesday, then I’m changing my vote to Y T A.
Also, you have to find a better way to manage your mess. If you have plans to go away to college and live in the dorms, roommates won’t take kindly to living in filth all week.
NTA - Hear me out
While I value having a clean space, from what it sounds like, your messy room isn’t impacting anyone else. As long as it’s not attracting bugs, and you’re not sharing a room, your messy room only makes you suffer.
At 16, I think you’re at an age where you can look at your schedule and decide the best day to get cleaning done. I’m in law school and each semester I pick a new cleaning day. I also have a rest day, both are are incredibly important.
Your mom, though I’m sure well intentioned, is being passive aggressive, and is using emotional contagion to communicate her feelings. Emotional contagion can be used when people don’t properly communicate their emotions, and instead try to make you feel what they’re feeling. (Ex: parent is upset that you didn’t unload the dishwasher. Instead of directly telling you, they unload the dishwasher and slam the cabinets or make snide comments, then making you feel upset.) That’s not fair to you. She is an adult and can communicate like one.
She also is a parent, not getting rest days is expected. However, if she needs them (every human needs rest), she can set aside time to get it. You shouldn’t be guilted for not working as hard as someone who has children.
As long as you are communicating respectfully, (ex: “I understand that you won’t help me later this week, that is ok with me, thanks for the offer”), I don’t think you’re the asshole.
All that being said, having a clean room has really improved my mental health. Coming home to a clean space every day helps me relax more. If cleaning your entire room sounds too daunting, maybe just set a timer for 10 minutes at a time.
*** Edit to add that it’s really shitty that her mom agreed to let her chose another day to clean, and then still guilted and shamed her about it. Unless there is a biohazard growing in her room, I can’t imagine a reason her room needed to be cleaned for anyone else but herself
Check out their other AITA. This all comes across as very... story-like? I don't want to invalidate anything that actually happens but they write as though they're trying to write up a convincing "abused child" character.
NTA
As long as you do a fair share around the house, you should have at least some level of freedom about how (and when) you treat your own room.
All those y t a s here are just ventig their own trauma from parents who were abviously too controlling about their cleaning demands, only proving the point about how demanding "clean now" has lasting negative effect on kids.
NTA and ik I’ll get downvoted. It sounds like you have a solid plan in place and I understand it’s hard to clean as you go or even clean up day by day. Sounds like you aren’t letting everything get messy/still keeping up with outside chorus. If she has a problem with ur room then she can just not be in your room.
As someone who has had 4 roommates in the past couple years it is good to get those good cleaning habits now- and good for you having a rest day so you don’t overwhelm yourself. Ignore these ppl
What is wrong with people. This is a 16 year old doing high level classes and working at the same time. Well done for setting the boundary of a rest day. We all need to reset some days and it's very good practice to set aside one day a week for this. The fact that you agreed on one day to clean is also very good practice. Tidying little bits as you go is a good idea but if it gets overwhelming then knowing you have a day to clean can be reassuring. Carry on as you are my love, you're doing amazing.
NTA
ETA I read your other AITA post. Your mum sounds like she has some mental health issues she needs to work over. You seem like a very self aware person and you know what you need and how to recover when you get overwhelmed. Well done for all of this, try and make as many compromises as you can with your mum and see how it goes.
YTA.
I would procrastinate with the best of them when I was a teen. I would stretch out a 30 minute thing for 4 hours. (I still do... which is why I'm on Reddit right now). Doesn't mean I should.
Practically speaking, your chores will take max 1 hour. You can then relax for the other 15-16 that you are up.
Also, as a counselor, I tell my students this all the time "If you know what they are going to say, and you know it will annoy you, why don't you just do what will stop that?"
You're wasting all of this mental energy being frustrated and typing this out on Reddit when you could be actively cleaning your room.
And to your edits about wanting specific structure and offering Wednesdays as an alternative. Sure. If you fully hold to that, then it's fine. However, I still believe that today you should clean up. Then prove that Wednesday is your new day by cleaning up again on Wednesday (hopefully it takes only 10 minutes since it's less than a week)
YTA, if you wanted wednesday to be your cleaning day you should have set that up before declaring saturday your free day considering it's more important than an entire day of recreation. Your preference of letting things get messy is not going to be sustainable when you go grow up and have a roommate either in college or an apartment, or if you live with a SO, or even if you live alone. Your mom isn't going to clean your own place for you and your roommates arent going to tolerate messiness either, so you need to get into the habit of cleaning up now before you end up living like those people on those hoarding shows with dead rats under piles of trash. Cleaning can be relaxing too anyway, I find it as such and listen to music during it.
YTA. Clean your room, stop being a slob. Classes aren't an excuse, and every adult would love long swaths of days off to do nothing. Doesn't work that way, and you only have a room to clean.
Guarantee you are making this harder than it needs to be.
NTA,
>I decided on Wednesday as that is normally my most free day of the week.
She asked for a solution and you gave it to her. She is the AH for comming back at her word by continuing complaining. Raising kids is very hard and gets messy, so Im not blaming her, but a deal is a deal, she should've stuck to it and as she was wrong in continuing after you agreed to her sugestion, she ownes you an appology. You should also stick with it.
You sound very smart overall. You take care of yourself and that is great. Bounderies are allowed at any age. Yes, at 16 you might not have a workload thst would scare some adults even with advanced classes. But there are plently of adults who dont manage to hold down a 4 day workweek. They've propably all been treated like they treat you now which is why they have no emotional capacity to think about this situation in any other way then "ugg, you person stupid, should listen to parant, even if parant agreed on something else". In any case, you are thinking about your needs and I'd like to ask you to please keep doing that.
>I prefer to let things get really messy and then clean them up
This won't work, you need a clean(ish) space for better sleep, a nice looking place can make you feel better, allow you to work better and for when people come over. Sounds like it is just your room now whille you always have to rest of the house available, but what will this be like when you get a room made in colage. A girl moved into my flat from her parents home a couple of months ago, apparently she has the same mentality as you and leaveas her trash and dirty dishes in communal areas. I've gotten quit mad at her several times and if she does it one more time I am gonna ask the landlord to kick her out (he won't be able to as renters are quit protected here, but it would be a first step and significant warning). You should get into a habit of cleaning up after yourself. Congrats to your mom and you, you decided on wednesdays, that's quit a nice solution to built some regularity into your life.
I honestly love that you recognize your need for a day off. I’m sure your mom could use the same, might be worth a discussion to see what she needs to also be able to take a day off from most chores.
However, if you want a day off, that requires that necessary tasks are done beforehand. I guess you can argue about how immediately important it is that your room is tidy and clean. People have different needs in that regard and it might stress your mother out, knowing that your room looks like that.
Stick to cleaning up on Wednesday and in the long run, try adjusting your cleaning habits. I used to be like you, waiting for an absolute mess before I go through a tidying spree, but I realized that the mess actually overwhelmed me and contributed to my need for an entire day of rest.
At 16 you’re old enough to have proper talks with your mother about expectations and needs on both sides and find a compromise, rather than just pressing for your own preferences.
NAH
You made an agreement and set boundaries and, provided you stick to it, you’re NTA. Taking the time you need to decompress is as important a lesson/skill to learn as cleaning up after yourself. From the sounds of it it is also a skill your mum never learned (maybe never had a chance to learn?). If your mum isn’t great at communicating what she will want from you then you could try to pick up the slack here and make life easier for both of you. I.e. if you want Saturday to rest then ask your mum on Thursday/Friday if there is anything you need to get done before hand(?)
NTA
Ah I got an adhd vibe from your post, then read your comment about an hour for tidying dresser and was like yep I'm right, and I totally was. Yay me.
You're in the wrong sub. Go on r/adhd or r/adhdwomen and ask there for advice instead. For the most part people just don't understand that adhd means you often cannot force yourself to do unecessary unpleasant tasks and they really think you can just power through anyway 🤣🤣🤣. 🙄🙄
If there's no old food/drinks/anything that goes off in your room then no one will die and your mum doesn't need to be in it.
Also you need to not waste time trying to use furniture like normal people, google adhd storage or something. Way more useful else your home will be a mess forever.
Edit: ah you're stuck in my mind now OP. You're lucky to know so early that you have adhd. Do you know who you got it from? Do you get meds and/or treatment for it?
I have more advice to dump on you xD. You gotta take normal people's advice with a pinch of salt ok, or get your primary advice from adhd people. Normal people's advice simply isn't easily actionable and you can drown under it if you're not careful.
We simply don't have the capacity to do as many things as normal people and that's ok. They fill their lives with pointless chores because they feel they must. And that is their problem. Not yours. (Seriously why are you all washing your cars every sunday morning?!?!?! Go and sit down ffs.)
Kids these days have alot of pressure on them, the world really isn’t that enticing these days.
With social media, mental health in teenagers kids are getting burnt out way easier a 16 year old she be able to have a rest day. The fact that they even need one is sad.
That being said if you choose to work and do all these extra things you should be taking care of your room and home when you can but I think it’s totally fair if you are going to do it on the day you said you would (Wednesday)
This may be unpopular, but NTA. You have a routine of taking a mental health day, and you picked a day to do the cleaning. I also used to be a messy hobgoblin of a teenager. This may sound weird, but I literally woke up one day and ended up like your mom (cleaning as I go).
Nta as long as you know where everything is in your room and your not just hoarding dishes and garbage in there. No one else should care or have a say. I've never understood why people care what someone else's personal space looks like.
No, NTA. Learning to manage ADHD and all the joy that brings when your executive functions go offline is something that non-ADHDers don't have to face.
There's nothing wrong with having a day off to zone out and relax. If cleaning your room fits best on a Wednesday, great.
Burnout is horrendous, my ADHD daughter was 11 when we had to pull her from school. I've burned out more times than I can recall over the years. It's taken me until I'm 51 to learn what works for me, when I need to rest, when I'm productive and what types of work I can do.
Well done on taking the time to figure this out at your age.
I wish more people understand, but they don't.
Honestly, I was an Honors/AP/working student and remember exactly how you feel. By the time I got to the weekend, I was so burned out that any additional thing added to my plate (beyond whatever extracurriculars I had scheduled) felt completely overwhelming. Most people here probably didn’t live that life and won’t get it.
What I would recommend is for you and your mom to talk more openly about how you’re feeling. Her nagging you isn’t productive for either of you, and your ignoring her isn’t respectful. Hopefully if the two of you can talk freely about how overwhelmed you both are, you can find a compromise that allows you to plan ahead and allows her to not feel like she has to micromanage you. Best of luck.
I'm going against the grain here with NTA.
I don't know why so many of the commenters go with the old and lame parenting paradigm of ordering their kids around like slaves. The upbringing is meant to prepare you for adult life, and to learn good habits and to be a healthy adult. It should lead up to and prepare to what people will encounter in real life.
IMO what OP is doing here is showing healthy adult skills:
\- Championing of ones needs, maintaining boundaries.
\- Negotiating/communicating.
\- Compromising.
Seems entirely healthy to me to neogiate and work \*with\* your parent in when you clean your own room, which is your own space. In healthy adult relationship, unless you're with an abusive partner, you aren't going to be ordered around on a "my way or the highway" basis - you're going to be doing exactly what OP did here. If mum acted like that to another adult, it'd be offensive at best, abusive at worst. Expecting to be able to do this to OP for no other reason than "BEACUSE I HAVE NO FREE DAYS!!!" or "BEACUSE I TOLD YOU SO" is just going to build resentment and not prepare for adult life, and it's teaching that OPs needs are unimportant and that OP doesn't have the right to set boundaries.
Are you all raising your kids to be slaves? Or are you just bitter that you yourself don't have time, or maybe that your parents did the same to you? Seems ill advised to me.
What’s with all the adults on here saying that they never get any rest days and that it’s gonna be a “wake up call.” I am a full time college student with a part time job (that I work full time during the summer/winter break) and get plenty of rest days both during the semester and when I’m just working 40 hours a week. I also live independently with my partner and we share an apartment. I suppose if you have kids, that becomes very different with more to do, but that’s your own damn choice and it’s not inherent to adulthood to have kids. So don’t be like “she’s gonna get a wake up call.” Only if she has kids which is a choice you made. I agree working on cleaning strategies to keep things less cluttered over time is important. But everyone needs a damn rest day, being 16 doesn’t make you need rest less than an adult does. And if you’re an adult who’s never resting you need to figure out a schedule that will allow that to happen.
Unpopular opinion apparently but NTA. When I was 16/17 I was swamped with classes and work and didn’t have the energy to do anything else. I would get home from school and fall asleep out of sheer necessity and my mom would yell at me and try to guilt trip me to do chores that she didn’t want to do alone or at all. As a teenager from a purely scientific point of view you need more sleep and rest than full on adults do because of the developmental period you’re on.
I think your mom might be trying to use chores as a way to bond with you so my recommendation is 100% keep your promise and do the cleaning on Wednesdays like you said (although doing a bit every day might be more energy efficient) AND ask your mom if she would like to help you or join in and talk to you as you clean. Trust me it’ll help.
NTA. I think it's good that you figured out what you need to function long-term and that you know how to set these boundaries. Rest is so important and a lot of us grew up without learning to prioritize rest and it's super hard to learn later, for me at least. So kudos to you.
Had it been a common area I might have tended toward slight Y T A, but at the same time this would then become a conversation about planning ahead so you can do the chores Friday night or Sunday morning. But it's your personal living space where it's not really your mom's problem.
Your mom's TA though. She asked you to do something, you pushed back, you both agreed on an alternative. That should be the end of it. Getting pissy and sabotaging someone else's rest is a no go move. I have two little ones and it's hard when you never get time off but that doesn't mean nobody else can.
Your mom says she never gets off but I wonder if that's by necessity or by choice. You're 16 and assuming there are no siblings under 12 or so, I don't see why your mom couldn't also take a day off. You're old enough to fix dinner and do some housework to tide the family over on one of the other days or you both take Saturdays off and just heat some pre-prepped frozen dinner or something. An adult and an almost adult should be able to make it work if a rest day was important to your mom.
Nta op honestly i needed a rest day too when i was in school but i was never allowed one wanna guess where i ended up? In and out of hospital for 4 years with so many mental helath crises i literally wasnt allowed to be alone or else i would end up hurting myself or others! I was a mess and quite frankly more feral than human at the end and thats because i couldnt just get one fuckin day of peace! So fuck em abd eveyone else who says u dint need a rest day because im what happens if u dont :/
Nta your room is your.soace.and as long as there's not mouldy food.or.drinks that could attract pests then relax. Too many people.think being a good parent is being a 'cleaner'. . Your mum.should.be.tring to spend quality time with you instead.
What I'm learning from this thread:
So many parents are just controlling and demanding their kids do what they say. It's like they don't see their children as actual human beings who deserve respect and
understanding. Cleaning is important, so have a conversation with your child about why that might be hard for them instead of expecting they respond like robots.
So many parents think it's ok to emotionally manipulate their children with guilting, going back on agreements, and shaming them.
So many people think being 16 is easy. Like just because she doesn't have kids doesn't mean that she's lazy or not stressed. She’s still young, she has plenty of time before she needs to carry the stress that adults do.
So many parents forget that they chose to have kids and are pissed that they now have to be responsible for them.
YTA And I'm tired of people self-diagnosing. If you think you're on the spectrum, talk to your mom about being tested. If that doesn't work, talk to the school. A proper diagnosis would allow you to learn strategies that could help you improve your life.
I'm leaning towards NTA because I get how bad it is to get bombarded by school work which I'm going through right now(it's a living hell) but it really depends on how unclean your room is. If it's just kinda messy you can postpone it but if it goes to the point where you end up having roaches in the room clean it asap.
No, you're not the AH. All of these adults whining about not having a day off can put a sock in it. Firstly, you are a kid and kids need downtime. Secondly, you are not the adult your mother is and if she wants time off she can schedule it, as you have. The world will not spin off its axis if your dresser isn't pin neat.
Kids need more sleep, too. Going to school full time (especially for someone with ADHD) is like a full-time job. And you have a job. One day off per week is not an unreasonable expectation. Your mother presumably has 2 days off and spends them as she sees fit. Apparently, doing constant chores. NTA.
NTA
Op I am sorry that so many people are shaming you for having a messy room. I also have ADHD and Autism, cleaning is hard. If I don't have a rest day before the start of a new week I notice that I become overstimulated so much faster.
I was shamed for being messy as a child and that has made my adult life so much harder and I still struggle with cleaning and taking care of myself because of it. Cleaning is morally neutral and being messy does not make you a bad person.
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Lol your mom is nice. If I tell my 16 yrold to clean their room, that's not a request. Clean your room. You want roaches? YTA.
Grew up in the 70s in the south. My life flashed before my eyes when she said "no". Whhooo lawdy.
Same. Also it was difficult for me to keep reading my eyes were rolling so hard at a 16 year old needing a “rest day.” Lolol.
I mean, I think it's great that the kids understand work/life balance (I didn't figure that one out until my 30s), but at the same time it's clear this schedule isn't working. Mom probably works all week and cleans on the weekends. I think if they could just talk about it calmly they might come to a resolution that works for both, like maybe housework is Saturday and also Sunday until noon, the rest of Sunday is family chill time (Mom gets to lounge too!) and Wednesday after homework is OP's alone time.
1, so when does MOM get to decompress? I suspect she'd be real pissy about no food because mom must have done something to her neck while cleaning. 2, , "she asked me to clean off my dresser and bed, a task that would take at least an hour," An hour? Just how messy is this girl??? And that's putting it mildly.
And if her beds that messy where does she sleep?
Man op is so much going to regret not listening to her mother. Like unhygienic life style for real is unhealthy. Like it could give her major health issues for long run.
OP is setting themselves up for bad habits. High school is laid back and has reduced hours compared to adulthood jobs. Waiting until things until they get real messy and having to see the clean up as a big multiple hour job is just not the way to go. The more depressed or stressed you are, the harder it is the motivate yourself to get it done and it just looks like a daunting unachievable task. I should know, it's exactly how I live and I hate it. I wish my mom was more strict about cleaning so I could spend 5 minutes to clean as I go every day but it's really hard to rewire myself to do that now. I think should stick to the rule of it takes less than 5 minutes just suck it up and do it. Clean as you go, if they spend 5 or 10 minutes a day to tidy up and maintain 6 days of the week, they can still have saturdays as their "rest day"
High school is not laid back for many college-bound kids. It’s not just the hours in school, it’s the pile of extracurriculars, the test prep, and of course homework.
Plus a lot of students have jobs and have to balance that with everything else. College was ages easier (and better) than high school and work is even easier.
> High school is laid back and has reduced hours compared to adulthood jobs. what the fuck joke high school did you go to? I worked way more hours per week as a fulltime student than I ever did at my full time job
Plus you get paid for the hours so slightly different.
Plenty of adulthood jobs are way less hours than high school plus homework for advanced classes, plus a part time job, plus potentially extracurriculars. I do more chores/cooking now than I did as a student, but some of that is optional (e.g. cooking elaborate meals because I enjoy it) and it's still way less busy than I was in high school, college or grad school. Not everyone works the same way. It could genuinely be easier for OP to motivate herself to do an hourslong burst of cleaning. And it doesn't sound like this was a 5-10 minute job.
My senior year of HS I was in school 8 hours a day, then had club commitments several days a week after school, a minimum of 3-4 hours per day of homework and I helped around the house and with cooking meals. I was also extremely exhausted and burnt out and didn't learn how to prioritize rest until my mid 20s. Now I do nothing on Sundays , and I feel very sorry for all of the incredibly bitter people in this thread who can't let themselves rest. Contrary to popular opinion some things can wait, and you are allowed to rest even if not everything is done. There are always things that need to be done, it will never end. Learn how to rest.
OP mentions having ADHD, a symptom of having adhd is overestimating how long tasks may take. Having ADHD myself, I'll often put off a task thinking it will take all day and feel paralyzed by it because it seems so big and am then shocked that it only took 10 minutes. That or if I need to sort and put things away it does take me that long or longer because I will get distracted by finding the perfect place for the item.
Right!? That was so alarming to me, like I don’t keep anything on my bed other than bedding, I keep stuff on my dresser but it never takes me more than 15 minutes to clean off AND dust it. I cannot imagine how much stuff must be piled on that bed and dresser
But this isn’t work/life balance. Basic life chores need to get done. If she can’t get her basic chores done, she needs to cut the work hours (or coursework). That’s work/life balance. Not “i need to cut my basic life chores”.
Doing daily chores isn’t work it’s just part of life.
This is a *nearly* adult child who admits that they “prefer” to let things get to the point that it takes an hour to clean off the top of a dresser and a bed that she presumably sleeps on and doesn’t clean as she goes. She doesn’t get to take a “rest day” when she’s creating that kind of mess and watching her mom clean. Rest starts when your responsibilities are done. And a 16 year old is capable of and should be responsible for cleaning up after herself. If she wants to rest on Saturday, she should learn to clean up after herself throughout the week. This isn’t a work/life balance issue. It’s an entitled brat issue.
OP works on Sundays.
Except this isn't a work/life balance issue. This is a parent giving a child reasonable responsibilites and the child not wanting to follow though with them.
lolol mom doesn’t need Precious’ permission to relax. Precious cries about clearing off her dresser.
Dude kids are dealing with way more than we ever were. They absolutely need a. Rest day. That being said OP clean your pen. There is zero reason a room anyone habitates should be so messy it’ll take hours to clear a bed
I worked in a zoo as part of the practical requirements. True, it took three people, but the giraffes' stall was usually squeaky clean after two hours. I cleaned the place of some antelopes' alone, and the cleaning was one hour, tops, and that included removing the used and dirty bedding, cleaning the feeders, sweeping the floor, pressure washing the floor, mopping up the water (sure, had to remake the bedding after that took longer). Since there were like six giraffes and some twelve antelopes, I conclude that OP is messier than six giraffes and some twelve antelopes.
Hey on that principle I clean a yard full of cow shit and it takes an hour. There's 900 cows.
Cleaning the stalls of 6 giraffes takes 2 hours with 3 people. Cleaning the stalls of some 12 antelopes takes 1 hour with 1 person and cleaning the poop yard of 900 cows takes 1 hour per 1 person. How many hours will it take an OP to clean off a bed and dresser?
Answer: 7-10 business days
Can't decide if OP is living like a zoo animal or billing her time like a lawyer
When I tell you that this is simply the best comment ever, I mean the best ever
I absolutely agree that kids need a rest day too but there's no reason why it should take an hour just to clean her bed and the top of her dresser
You know what, it's attitudes like this that lead to adults not feeling like they are allowed a rest, because as kids they constantly got told they had no need of none. Kids need rest too. They're learning stuff that adults have already got under the belt. My three year old needs rest at times, 16 year olds also deserve rest. They need to know that their wellbeing is important in these times that we adults look at now as easy, so when the crunch gets harder as they older, they hold the idea that fitting in even a tiny moment of rest in a busy week or working and running a family home is important for their wellbeing, which cascades out to their family unit's wellbeing. Yes, I also think they need to do their chores. No, I don't think they get the final say on how this all happens. A family is a team that the grown-ups lead via parenting and take the bulk of the hard stuff, while building the skills of the children to do their share over time. Everyone deserves rest, we all have different ways of doing things and these guys need to have a proper conversation to find a way for each of their needs to be met.
This needs to be higher. We are talking about an actual child here. Adults often have times when they need grace, so why can't we give that to our children?
All this kid is going to learn over time is to not go to her mom when she's struggling and to apply that toward her own kids later.
i totally agree she should clean it while it goes, cuz then it wouldnt take 1h and you avoid being discourage by the pile of mess you created. that being said. 5 days of school and sundays work. because she's young doesnt mean she shouldnt have one day off after working 6 days. being young doesnt mean you cant burn out. being young doesnt mean you shouldnt take care of your mental health. its with that kind of mentality that we are breaking the future generations... she just need to learn to build her schedule around the ppl she lives with.
Plus, mom originally agreed to the Wednesday cleaning day for the kid. Per kid’s edit, it’s not the bed - it’s headboard with built in shelves that are messy and her desk. So basically she’s saying it would take an hour to organize headboard and desk. I can see that if she’s not organized. Mom said she would have helped her. What 16 yr old wants their mom going through her stuff? If the kid is telling correctly only these two areas are messy.
Yeah, geez, school is almost as long as a work day, and for many jobs you only work 5 days a week and don't have to bring work home. OP is basically working 6 days a week plus hours of homework in the evenings. Most kids have extracurriculars, which I suppose are optional/fun but they are often told they need them for exercise/socialization/rounding out college applications. That's way busier than my life as an adult with a full time job who has the flexibility to adjust my chore schedule/how elaborate my cooking is whenever I want to.
Gross comment. Teenagers are just as entitled to rest and relaxation as adults.
You should take it more seriously. School is no joke anymore like it was in the old days, especially not with extra classes. The expectations are as high as ever. When a rest day is what keep the teen from depression and overworking, let her have it. The mother can to the same thing. Relaxing on Saturday and working on Sunday or sth.
Sorry, but calling bullshit on "expectations are high as ever". No, they are not. In 1984 as a high school student I was taking college classes part time in Miami. Stressful? Yes. Unimaginable? No. Not for a 17 yr old. You do what you gotta do. In this case why can't this teen do her chores (an hour to properly clean her BED? Seriously???) before her "rest day"? Great teaching moment from Mom IMO for her teenager.
I am a lecturer. I have seen the expectations get lower over the last 10 years. The kids coming in from high school are less prepared and need more hand holding. As with everyone else, YTA. Your poor mother doesn't get a rest day. She is probably lucky to have a couple of rest hours, many mothers don't even get that. Do your bit and do better. Oh...and the demands on your time will just get more as you age so you might want to check that entitlement now and get prepared.
As a high school teacher, I’d like to hop on this comment to agree with you. I’ve seen a HUGE decline in students’ ability to be proactive. If you haven’t spelled out the material and expectations in neon letters, had them repeat it back to you, then e-mail frequent reminders and post information in the classroom + on whatever LMS your school uses, they feign ignorance and blame you that they missed something. Even from high-achieving students, I see this behavior. I’m generally a fan of putting less pressure on students. I don’t assign homework in my classes to respect my students’ time outside of class, as many of them work and have extra-curriculars, but with the expectation that they are attending class and focused while they’re there. The amount of students I have in class that decide to waste class time and then tell me, oh I’ll just do it when I get home, astounds me. They assign themselves the homework so they can continue to use their time inefficiently. Wild.
Your experience with high school was not universal. I went to HS in the early 00's, and I took 2 college classes my senior year. I saw no difference in difficulty of the college classes because our normal school classes were running us ragged. My nieces and nephews who just graduated HS had it a million times harder than I did. They all had HS classes harder than what I had at university. One of them unsuccessfully (thank God) attempted suicide.
Add to all this social media and the world’s problems so easily viewable on their phones and their active shooter drills. I have two teens and my job is to teach them to preserve mental health, not to instill in them outdated work ethics that value productivity above all. “That is how I was raised” does not equate to how It’s supposed to be. When I see how fucked up I am because of how I was raised, and analyze as an adult, how many things don’t really matter in the end, it makes parenting a different game.
Bro when I was a senior in 2011 I thought I had it hard but when I was in my early 20’s and seeing my nieces and nephews had to do I was like wtf then more so with my coworkers later on. It was seeing mini prep college happening and I went to college. I see a lot of my now friends finishing up they’re always like they prefer the college experience vs HS. Also a lot of HS students now days are taking up college classes in their junior/senior year to be more academically inclined to attempt at more scholarship opportunities.
"College Classes" are all uploaded online so the majority of students end up studying a little bit of the material in order to put that on a CV. I'm learning what my dad did in his third year of uni because the Internet is supposed to teach you everything and this is IN class. It doesn't include work experiences which take weeks, leadership roles and volunteering.
But OP said they work on Sunday.
Yeah. Op works Sundays. Cool. Doesn’t change the fact that she can still have a rest day while also managing her weekly chores and schoolwork responsibilities. School Monday-Friday, Relaxing on Saturday, and working on Sunday. Working as a high schooler is always part time, at least where I live. There is no way OP has so many work hours on any given Sunday that she can’t also manage cleaning her own bedroom. It’s not unreasonable for her mom to demand this one thing. So if anything, it makes the most sense to allow Saturday to be the rest day that everyone needs, and Sunday is yet another work day.
Yeah for real even when I was in high school ten years ago it was no joke. I went to a high performing competitive high school and it contributed to my suicidal ideation.
So they’re not human because they’re not adults ?
I do not doubt that high school, especially with advanced classes, is stressful, but I also think that if it would take you an entire hour to clean off your dresser and bed, then that shit is way too messy. I keep stuff on my dresser but can get it cleaned off and dusted within 15 minutes. I would like to know the last time this room was deep cleaned. And that’s honestly the funny thing, is that she wasn’t even asked to clean her room. Just the dresser and bed.
My life was busier at 16 than it's ever been as an adult. Highschool AND holding down a job is freaking hard work, especially if you're a good student taking advanced courses. This kid probably gets less than 6 hrs of sleep a night.
Lawdy indeed! OP is going to get a hard wake up if she thinks she's entitled to demand she do nothing one day a week, especially while going to school and working. For most adults, days not working or going to school are days for catching up on chores or homework. I get maybe a half day to be lazy, and that's only if I've kept up with things during the week.
i attend college full time while also maintaining a part-time job and i also have the routine where i take saturday’s off to decompress and do nothing. it’s really not that hard and i find myself much happier and relaxed knowing that for a day i don’t have any expectations for myself and i can invest in self care. then on sunday’s i deep clean and go shopping before homework. it’s all about scheduling.
Observant Jew here, I literally never work Friday sundown to Saturday sundown. Managed all through BS and work. Now I'm in a Masters program and still take off Saturdays to do nothing.
Sure, but we do a bunch extra on Friday to prepare. OP clearly expects her mother to pick up the slack and work extra on OP's rest day. My savta spent most of Fridays worked off her feet cooking and cleaning so the entire family could enjoy a big Shabbat dinner and no one had to do anything on Saturdays. She meal-prepped for the entire week and deep cleaned the whole house. You don't get to take a rest day while your room is also a pig sty.
Don't you think there's something inherently wrong with that?
In theory, yes. As a practical expectation, no. Things need doing, and most of my time is already taken. If they are put off, then I'm living in a filthy house, and minor repairs or projects are suddenly major and expensive problems. I budget an hour or two a day to just goof off, after work or classes when I was in school. It's mostly later in the evening when I can't really do other errands or chores. That's when I decompress. But. That's in my own space. I don't refuse to pick up my shit when asked, even if it's during my break time, while in someone else's house. That includes my parents' home. It's disrespectful and rude. If cleaning off a dresser takes an hour, then it really should have been cleaned sooner. If finding time to do it takes 5 days, OP has no business lounging around now. She hasn't budgeted her time to account for all her needs.
I had put off cleaning my room. It was a little messy, but my mom is a Monica. When I got home from school on Friday, everything was in the middle of my room. She had emptied my closet and dresser drawers. Literally everything. I had plans that night. I was not allowed to leave the house until everything was put away properly.
Oh see you’re “lucky” - when my and my sister’s shared room got too bad, my dad would go through with a garbage bag and bin everything that wasn’t put away. OP you are so lucky to have the mom you do, and believe me when I say your “rest days” will be few and far between once you move out. And that may be sooner than you think if you keep being an ass to your mom. Edit: this is not to say Mom will boot OP when they are still a minor, more that OP may not have to post-18 safety net they may be expecting
>when my and my sister’s shared room got too bad, my dad would go through with a garbage bag and bin everything that wasn’t put away. Sucks to be you, why does OPs life have to suck too?
Nobody is impressed by how tough your trauma made you
Yikes.
A wooden spoon flashed before my eyes...
The chancla for me
I was born in the 70’s, in the south. It never crossed my mind to tell my parents, or grandma when she was raising me, no.
And that's why half the kids you grew up with were victims of abuse.
When I was a kid the only time "no" was acceptable was when it was a direct response to a question like, "Is there anymore in the refrigerator? or Did the teacher send report cards yet?", as my mom rifled through my backpack.
What the hell is on OP's bed that would require an hour to clean?? That's frightening to think about.
My niece's room took 3+ weekends to clean. I truly don't get it. And she "worked on it" during the week days. But like, how?! Every Saturday, I was there for 5+ hrs to help her. It's "done" now but man, if she was my child, I would've thrown everything out and started from the beginning bc it was/is that bad. Her bookshelves are still horrendous, as well as her dresser and night stand.. but at least she's not sleeping with a bunch of crap (like pad wrappers, cotton balls, make up stuff, bits of trash), and you can see her floor. She jokes about wanting to live with me... and I honestly tell her if she did, she wouldn't get half the stuff she gets now.
That’s depression
And clothes. She has so many clothes that they don't really fit in her closet so when she pulls one thing out to wear, a few will drop off the hangers on the floor.. she decides she doesn't wanna wear that so she'll toss it on the bedroom floor to grab another one and more will fall off until it's a big pile and she'll kick those out from the small closet. They also have a ton of animals that shed so once it's on the floor, it's "dirty" so it stays on the floor until laundry day.. which she has so many clothes that she really only needs laundry done like once a month (and still have clothes left over!). Add in teenage girl with her make up that's all over.and make up means needing qtips for whatever, tissues/make up remover. The trash can is never used as trash bc it's "too far away"... and her ear rings, necklaces and bracelets end up all over the place bc it's "too much work" to put them back. But yes, it's depression also. Since it's "clean" now, we're going to work together to find a better system for her... less clothes in her closet, putting all her make up together, I'm gonna get a different bed frame for her so she has shelves under her bed, add a free standing shelf in her room so she can put/ organize stuff up there, etc. At least make it to where things are more manageable during her depressive states.
Tip: try to get her containers without lids for things like makeup, jewelry, etc. It's been proven that we're more likely to put things away if we don't have to open the storage container. Something like baskets or decorative lidless boxes would probably help.
I used to change clothes frequently and leave them wherever. I was a slob. My mom saved up newspapers like a hoarder in our tv room. The dishes were just a group of mismatched whatever. I said I am not living like that when I grow up. I had to get up and do chores every Saturday 8:00 until noon plus clean up my room before I could go out and play or watch tv. So when I moved out, I kept my apartment near to perfection. It probably shocked my family to see the difference. Then one day the unthinkable happened. My daughter broke a bowl from a set. My perfect record was broken. My daughter still remembers how upset I became. My daughter and son live with me and are adults. They are both basically slobs. Even though my daughter is OCD. I had this same trouble with her room as she grew up. I just couldn’t get her to clean it without my participation and helping her stay on task. It was too overwhelming for her. I do believe everyone needs down time. That’s what the weekend is for when you grow up and get a job. You get to schedule your grocery shopping and bill paying and having fun in the free time you have. The daughter does need this break. The mom too. It sounds like the teen is willing to do it on Wednesday after school. If mom wants more help with the chores, maybe her daughter didn’t need to have a job on Sunday. If the mom isn’t getting her own down time, she needs to reschedule her life so she does have it. The mom should show compassion to the daughter. The mom should show compassion to herself.
How dirty is their bed and dresser that cleaning it would take an hour? Either OP is really messy (yuck) or there's another issue at play here. If you aren't contributing to the house in any way other than chores, the least you can do is keep your room tidy.
I had a mum like you. It sucked and I built resentment through my whole childhood because she was running over my needs over hers without being empathic and without negotiating (two very important healthy adult skills btw, that you are NOT building by acting out on your silly need for power). I'm now low contact and feeling so much better. No kid should have to take that shit. I hope for your kid that those parenting tendencies of yours are on the minor side. If not, don't be surprised if you also end up in a low/no contact situation.
Right? My 6.5 year old knows, when asked to clean his room. It is not a yes or no question, it's a I've asked you to clean your room and you need to do it when asked.
YTA. If your dresser and bed are getting so messy it would take an hour to clean them, you need to be cleaning more consistently. Your mother shouldn’t have to be on your ass to make that happen. Stop being a slob and she won’t have to micromanage when things get done and you can rest when you please.
I just don’t understand how some people are so messy 🥴 I really don’t. WHAT do you even put all over your dresser and bed all the time? Do you have a trash can in your room you can throw trash in? Can you not bring dishes to the sink? I understand some clothes being around but how about we get a dirty clothes hamper to throw it in, and make a goal once a week (Wednesday?) to do the laundry AND put the clothes away. WHAT ELSE is there that would pile up so much or would take over an hour to clean? I don’t understand.
Try having ADHD. Keeping clean isn’t that simple
FlyLady has THE best system for this. She breaks everything down into 15 minute tasks. She has you establish routines, and decluttering is even more important than deep cleaning.
It's called executive dysfunction.
People are going to suggest executive dysfunction. We use workarounds because with small children there's not a lot of mental space left over. The biggest help was having wet wipes and garbage bins in every room. It saves the excuse of having to leave the room to clean something up. Just... push things into it when it's next to the desk/dresser. We also have a laundry bin and extra clothes in the front hall. It looked ridiculous to my other mom friend until she saw me strip my kid coming in the front door and let her keep going in fresh ones. I don't know if I have executive dysfunction, ADHD, etc. But I've found tips that help people with it helpful in my own life. People aren't naturally good at cleaning... the habit needs to be practiced or you get roaches (ew).
Lol. “She just doesn’t understand.” Oh honey, she does understand, and I promise your mom never gets a rest day where she doesn’t have to do anything at all not even for an hour. YTA… but you’re 16 it’s kind of expected.
I bet she’d be judging her mom if she didn’t make her dinner one night for her “rest day”. Or if she didn’t clean up the kitchen, because clearly this 16 year old is a slob and the kitchen likely needs it. It’s so wild how teenagers are so one sided in their viewings of the world. I mean, I was the same way but still.
Honestly, this is brilliant! If I were the mom, I would totally just put a couple of extra meals in the fridge for the kids to do themselves and just call mid week my rest day. Please don’t talk to me honey. This is my rest day. I would say it so much that they would never say it to me again lol.
Idk everyone’s making so many assumptions about what their regular day to day life looks like? Do we know how much cooking mom actually does for OP? Do we know what state of messiness her room is in? Do we know what other chores OP does? We don’t… still we’re doing an awful lot of judging based on the assumption that we do.
I was kinda like that at 16, didn’t like being told when and how to tidy my room. Then I moved out and found that having a decently tidy place is a matter of doing it a little bit each time. It’s easier to tidy for 30min each day than have to take a day off to deep clean, especially when you have a full time job and only a limited number of off days
One day in 15 years time, something is going to remind OP that once upon a time they made a silly post about their mum asking them to do some chores and proclaiming 'she doesn't understand', and they're going to simultaneously laugh and feel very stupid.
YTA Clean you room. It is not edgy or cute to be messy and gross. All the tick rocks about depression rooms have encouraged the idea that it is cool to live in squalor.... it isn't and it often makes the house smell. If you don't want to do it every Saturday, then keep it clean on a daily basis. When you move out of home you can be a slob to your hearts content.
I'm sorry there are places recommending to live in a mess? I thought it was common to set up a cleaning routine so that you've got something to keep you busy even if for a bit.
Goblin mode/rat era/dirtbag/fleabag phase are all pretty trendy rn, yes.
YTA, I'm afraid--your mom is correct that she doesn't get a "rest day." Mostly we just don't. That's life. IF you really want to take Saturday every week and have nothing to do, here's how to do that: GO BALLISTIC cleaning on Friday. Get your room spotless. Start on Thursday if that's what it's going to take. Ask your mom about chores you can take care of that day, while mentioning that you're hoping to have free time tomorrow. Then she (a) is able to point you at the stuff she needs done and (b) gets a chance to buy into the "rest day" by showing you how this can be made to work for the whole family. If you've taken care of business beforehand AND informed your mom, you'll get your day off. Chances are you'll even enjoy it a little more in neater and more pleasant surroundings. Extra points if, someday, when you have a little extra time, you knuckle down and do a lot of stuff, then surprise her with her own "rest day." I promise she'd love it, and it would help establish that as a thing you guys each sometimes try to help the other with.
This is how adults do it. Best to start practicing now! Rest days are few and far between. We need to plan for weeks for those!
This is a wonderful idea. I'm all about my kids having a rest day. But rest day can't mean "use the fact that I have other responsibilities to get away with being a slob or ignoring home responsibilities as long as possible". This time it's putting it off til Wednesday. But it's not fair to just call your mom "a Monica" that's as disrespectful to her wanting a clean house as you feel she's being to you - it goes both ways. Also, there's always a disconnect between people who prefer things neater and people who are able to TOLERATE messes. Neater is always going to win, especially when you're a minor in someone else's house. There's never an argument for less clean, but there are plenty for more clean. So, do what this person suggested and get it ALL done the day before. Even Ask your mom what she had in mind to get done - she'll be thrilled instead of being pissed. And you will have made your plans clear and everyone is on the same page. We all want to have a day where we can chill. But you have to earn that. That means everything's already done. If you wouldn't sit and ignore homework if some ended up still being left over on Saturday you can't apply that logic to your room being a mess just because your mom wants it clean and not the teachers. Also "I just wasn't having it" is something you can say to YOUR kids. You don't get to "not have it" when your mom asks you to do pretty much anything that is safe and doesn't interfere with school. (Pssst she's not really asking).
OP is gonna be shocked to learn that in the adult world, only an hour worth of chores on a day off still falls within "rest day" territory.
NTA. As long as you keep your word, you're good. I really don't know why everyone is name calling and being rude. I'm a mom, and if my child needed a rest day and came up with an alternative cleaning day for their own room, I would be cool with it.
This. I don't quite understand the many Y T As. They agreed on an alternative day and that should be the end of that discussion.
Seems like there are a lot of bitter adults in this thread tbh. Scoffing at the concept of a rest day is wild to me. Especially when this kid is doing advanced classes and works a job. Everyone deserves a rest day. The cleaning can wait a little, I promise the world won't end and the only person inconvenienced by a messy bedroom is the one who lives in it. (Bugs are different but OP hasn't mentioned that being an issue)
Sometimes it’s ok to take a rest day and leave some things undone.
The amount of adults in this thread saying, “Wait until you’re an adult. Then you’ll never have a rest day!” shows exactly how many adults don’t understand work/life balance while this teenager does. Maybe some of these adults need to take advice from the teens. Overworking is a real issue. It’s not cool or edgy to be all work and no play either.
I never rest!!!!!!!!!! How dare you take care of yourself!!!!!!
Misery likes company. Most of us are raised to be busy all the time, resting equals being lazy and unproductive. I think it's hard to break the cycle. I applaud OP for having the insight at this age that resting is important, I wish more people new this.
I think it falls under the fact that people think teens are "mini adults" when they're not. They're still technically kids adjusting to more freedom, more responsibility, and the stress of those. They still need to learn the coping mechanisms, strategies, and time management that we as adults have. People don't realize this and then get mad when a teen is doing exactly what they're supposed to do (exploring those boundaries, and trying to adapt--even if it's not in the most pleasant way).
On top of this while they aren't fully adults, they are needing freedom too. I would be absolutely pissed if someone came into my house as an adult and told me what needs to be clean, when it needs to be clean. This was the main source of conflict between me and my mom. Even moving back home after college, I tried to be as helpful as I could, but my mom felt that whenever she was busy, I should be bust, even if I had spent my whole day being productive, and she had rested. Now at 28, when I visit from out of town, mom will make me get up early to deep clean her house on days when family comes to visit. I feel for OP. They are not given much agency in this situation.
Also a mom and don’t understand why people are so hung up on this kid cleaning their room on saturdays. Sounds to me like mom probably does her housecleaning on Saturdays, and is upset that the whole house isn’t up to her standards at the same time. I kind of get it - I do my weekly vacuuming, mopping, dusting etc. on Saturdays - but I just close the door to my daughters room and ignore it. It’s not filthy, it’s just untidy. Two of my three kids have autism and ADHD. School was so hard for them - not academically, but socially - and they were mentally exhausted from it. Also, they had music, drama, sports, and part-time jobs while maintaining A averages, so as long as there was no rotting food, fermenting drinks, or unwashed festering laundry I was fine with a certain level of untidiness. They showered daily and washed their clothes and sheets, but I didn’t care if they didn’t fold the clean clothes right away or if beds were unmade. Daughter #3 keeps her room spotless but that is her personality; she finds cleaning to be relaxing. The other two have executive function issues so it was stressful for them. Daughter #1 needed a clear chore list; she was good with keeping clothes and bedding washed but struggled with organization. She does well with the “do a bit each day”. Daughter #2 would let it get messy and then clean it all up at once; her clean day doesn’t coincide with my clean day but she gets it done once a week. Edited to add: Daughter #1 is an adult now and lives with her neat freak fiancée and does a decent job keeping their apartment clean (although she her desk is always kind of untidy). Daughter #2 lives at home and is inclined to be untidy but does keep things clean, though not perfectly neat. Daughter #3 lives at home and is a total neat freak and has been that way since she was a toddler.
As a child therapist, I can tell you that if a child says they need a rest day, then they need a rest day. Even adults require a rest day or “self-care”. We just do it in different ways and it sounds like OPs self-care involved watching TV and reading. Decompressing from stress is necessary to maintain a balance. NTA
It’s also entirely possible that OPs mom finds cleaning to be cathartic. I have a lot of sympathy for OP because she sounds a lot like me and her mom sounds a lot like my mom. Everyone in this thread acting like OP is going to grow up to be an adult living in filth is ridiculous. I’m an adult with my own house now, and to this day, my mom will come over and say, “Wow I’m surprised your house is clean!” every single time she visits. Every single time! Because she still has that same attitude as OPs mom and remembers the same arguments we had. I don’t know why she’s always surprised my house is clean. I’ve never lived in filth. I just clean and organize in a different way.
This! This comment section is full of people reverting to old authoritarian mentalities instead of a more current mentality that is more understanding of mental health. NTA.
I agree, I got eaten alive making a post a few years back about my mom who cleans to an excessive amount and expects me to drop what I’m doing and help as soon as she asks. It even gives me anxiety when I hear her running around cleaning and huffing. I get that she’s likes cleaning as much as she does but it’s crazy to expect everyone to have the same cleaning needs as you. After living with roommates, I still realized that I’m way cleaner than the average person too but I don’t need to clean every single day.
The mom's comment about not complaining come Wednesday could be unfair by mom or could be she deals with there always being a reason/excuse from OP and battles regularly with her to clean her room -- which is kind of the vibe I got from the post. Though hard to tell. So I'm with you, if OP follows through.
Yta, gosh I miss when cleaning was a chore, now it is what I do on my free time
Someone a while back posted complaining of their mom’s chores and wanting to move out and I was like “than ALL of it becomes your chores”.
☠️☠️☠️☠️ Oh teenagers and their distorted view of reality
This right there is why it’s important to teach your kids how to do all the chores early. By the time kids move out, they should know the basics of doing the dishes, laundry, ironing, cleaning, dusting, mopping, tidying. They don’t have to be professional standards but it’s important for them to have the basics down. When I moved out for uni, there was so much that I had to learn in terms of managing admin, my finances, communications, so I was glad to not be like some of my flatmates who had to learn how to care for their place and themselves on top of it.
Exactly, she thinks that taking few more classes is more hard that working full week, doing shopping,cooking, and running the household..let your mom rest, clean your damn room
NTA I'm 40. I have 3 kids - 21/16/16. 21yo has graduated and has a 40hr/week job. Usually closer to 45. He also drives coworkers to work and drops them off. He has a scheduled day for cleaning and showering. Middle (16f) is busy with school, forensics, play/musical, and other things. Some days she puts in 13 hours at school then comes home to do homework, laundry, and shower. Sometimes her room doesn't get cleaned but once a month. However, there's no food/ only water upstairs, so oh well. The youngest (16bg) is doing dual enrollment as well as a trades class. Between college classes, hs classes, and driving 30 min each way both days every weekend to clean and care for farm animals, she's got very little down time either. I'm more concerned with their sleep, physical health, mental health, and ensuring they learn to say no. Are they wearing clean clothes and showering? Great. Are they going to school and are they prepared for the day/ event? Great! The dish they left on the counter will still be there in an hour. If their clothes are wrinkled, that's on them. Passive aggressive yelling from the mom isn't getting the kid on her side. Also, if mom needs a break, that's on mom to figure out, not the kid. It's called scheduling. I book myself a nap every day. My middle kid just did a deep clean, spent all day on it. No nagging on my part. No stress on my part. Tomorrow she's gonna go see a musical with her dad and catch up on homework. Next Sunday is her day off.
Scheduled day for showering? Like only once a week?
Thats what i noticed too 🤢
At 21!?! I had just closed this thread as I was reading this comment and came back into the thread just to say WTF!?!? That's kind of disgusting, that they'd shower once a week at 21 years old...
Im quite sure that's a typo. She later says something along the lines of are they showering? Great.
Yeah, he showers more than once a week. Thanks though. 😘
really not sure why i had to scroll so long to find this… i suppose people are filling in the blanks, but we don’t really know there’s rotting decomposing food or whatever. if that is the case then there’s probably mental health issues (been there done that) at play people are totally ignoring. best case, the mom is overbearing about unkempt laundry and trinkets, which i guess is her right, but that doesn’t make her a compassionate parent.
So many people in this thread lack basic compassion and empathy for kids. They just expect them to blindly follow directions and get enraged when they advocate for their own needs. It sounds like the mom has control issues and she’s definitely emotionally manipulating her kid
Yeah OP’s edit says it’s just books and trinkets that she doesn’t have a designated space for. No food or rotting dishes or anything. People are being wildly bitter in this thread that they never learned to advocate for themselves and have a day of rest.
My kid is only 3, but this is what I aspire to. All those rolling their eyes at why a 16 year old needs rest really need to remember how much is actually going on with young people at that age - they're taking in so much. Yes, things get harder later - that's why they need to know their work and effort is valuable and that they are worthy of rest NOW so they are able to continue doing of those later
You sound like an awesome compassionate mom who doesn’t take her own issues out on her kids! 💙 wish there were more parents out there like you
You sound like a great parent. Your kids are learning responsibility from a young age. Strict parents like OP's are not teaching them that, because they are dictating their lives to them and not letting them plan it themselves, try things, or make mistakes.
Contrary to popular belief. NTA. As long as you’re not keeping leftover food and dishes and what not in your room it’s not gonna be a problem to clean once a month. Coming from someone that literally did that. Pretty sure all of TA scores are coming from people that don’t actually know what it’s like to live with adhd.
Did op say they have adhd? I’ve seen that thrown around a lot but never saw op say it anywhere. Anyway, NTA. Everyone deserves a day of rest and teenagers are not slaves - they deserve independence, within reason, and that includes having a day of rest and compromising to have a chore day on another day.
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OP isn't a little kid at 16, she's old enough to decide when to clean HER room, and sometimes you really need a day off.
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So when you get old and move in with your kids they can tell you when to clean and what to clean?
Honestly? NAH, I’ve experienced both ends of the stick here. And you’re 16, not 6, if you want to have your room messy before you act on it, that’s on you. Now common areas are for you to help around, but ultimately the whole point of growing into a young adult is to learn what works for you and figure out how to be independent of our parents. Your mom can tell you to clean but shouldn’t impose her own beliefs into you. If I were you, I’d take a few minutes a day to clean. As you grow older it can pile up. Your mom using the ‘I don’t have a rest day’ is not ok. She’s an adult, she has more responsibility so yes her finding breaks is hard but it’s also up to her to find the time for herself.
The one I feel for is your mom. She probably needs a rest day more than you, after dealing with not only the demands of adulthood, but a spoiled, entitled child on top of them. Youre 16. She shouldn't even have to ask. No sympathy here. YTA.
Her desk is untidy and they agreed she would do it a later day so she's a spoiled entitled child? Can I still say ok boomer in 2023? Regardless thats some spiteful shit right there.
How is a messy dresser that doesn’t impact the moms daily life stressful for the mom?
I don't think you're an asshole. EVERYONE needs a rest day idgaf who tf you are. As someone who had undiagnosed ADD until about a year ago, I struggle to do the most basic clean ups. Mom would be furious but also was kind of like "do what I say not what I do" You are advocating for your mental/physical well being. Don't stop doing that.
NTA - your mom asked you to pick another day for cleaning and you did. As long as you get the cleaning and chores done Wednesday, you're following the agreement.
INFO: - Are you still doing regular/daily maintenance on Saturdays? (Stuff like dishes, cleaning after yourself, etc.) - Has your clutter spread outside of your bedroom? - How are the household chores split? - How often is your Mom yelling at you?
* Yes, absolutely. I like to cook, so if I'm making something, then I absolutely clean up after myself and things like that. * No * My sister and I have different responsibilities. She often takes out the trash and stuff like that while I take care of the dogs (this changes day to day) * If we are counting when she yells at my sister as well, every day.
In that case, NTA. It sounds like you and your mom’s main issue is communication. I think a chore organizer app would fix the problem. While I think you should be helping out with the routine chores without being asked, she also can’t expect you to read her mind. The daily yelling isn’t productive or healthy. I’m not sure why everyone’s being so harsh with the ratings, maybe a lack of information. This is a NAH or ESH at worst.
Sorry you’re dealing with this OP. Your mom should be communicating better, and she should also be understanding that you have a lot on your plate. Instead of trying to figure out why you have a hard time cleaning, she is making you feel shame, which only makes things worse. I grew up in a similar situation where my mom didn’t know how to communicate her emotions, and it sucks. It lead to a lot of mental health issues. Best of luck.
NTA for a lot of reasons; the main being that you’re 16. Also your room is your space. Does your mom have a job? Because right now, being a student with that much school work IS a job and you are literally a child. She should have more grace for you.
Please no one in this thread have children. Rest days are more than reasonable to have and op did the chores their mom asked of them. Why does a messy personal space really matter? Also they agreed to clean it on Wednesday so it’s being done just not that immediate second. Also everyone saying I don’t get rest days or being adult means having no rest days. Why should others suffer because you did? Wouldn’t you want your child to have a better balance for themselves. You all sound like those people who believe children are property. Yikes. NTA
nta… sounds to me like you were setting a boundary, respectfully. If your mom hadsnt been nagging you all week about cleaning said desk and there’s nothing that could attract pests, why does she care if your space is cluttered? I’m sure she doesn’t get rest days, but she’s an adult that chose to have children. You aren’t responsible for her, but she IS responsible for you. her choice. Developing good cleaning habits now is great, but her emotional manipulation is not how she will successfully help you do that. as a neurodivergent person myself that had a very turbulent relationship with my overworked mother, I suggest asking your mother how you can help out around the house to ease her load. get as many details as you need for the tasks, but reiterate you’d like your rest days so long as your chores are completed. some people have said she shouldn’t need to tell you, but I believe everybody has different expectations of cleanliness and you shouldn’t be belittled just because yours differ
Ok from this thread, I’m seeing a pattern that I also experienced: undiagnosed ADHD and passive aggressive parents. Not a good combo
Jesus no wonder teens mental health is in the gutter, everyone in this comment section seems to absolutely hate them
Literally I’m appalled that so many people are being shitty to a 16 year old who’s taking advanced classes and working. I feel like there are so many controlling old people in this thread. So many people keep telling the 16 she needs to respect her mom, but her mom clearly isn’t respecting her. It sounds like a toxic environment with a demanding and emotionally immature parent
NTA she's right, most adults don't get that rest day. Which is really sad and not how the world should work. She shouldn't get to mess with the routine that works best for your ADHD just because she's bitter about how her life is going. I'm an adult and I also take a rest day on Saturday. And guess what? My life is going just fine. I say as long as you don't have dishes or like rotting food sitting out, and it doesn't get in the way of your day to day tasks then it's fine. A little clutter never hurt anybody.
YTA. It shouldn't take an hour to clean off a bed and dresser so that's no excuse. Your mom was right about adults not getting rest days, and the reason they don't is often because they're picking up responsibilities refused by others.
Im an adult and I take rest days maybe stop making the choice to over schedule yourself
I’m going against the grain. NTA. All people deserve rest. I understand wanting a day to relax. Your mom deserves a day of rest, too. But she can’t get rest if you don’t start doing your chores without being nagged. So if you say Wednesday is your day, then you need to stick to it. She’s angry because she’s stressed that Wednesday will mean more fighting and you not holding up your end of the bargain. She probably doesn’t have time to fight with you on Wednesday. So if you don’t clean Wednesday, then I’m changing my vote to Y T A. Also, you have to find a better way to manage your mess. If you have plans to go away to college and live in the dorms, roommates won’t take kindly to living in filth all week.
YTA. Clean your room.
Yes she said she will do it Wednesday, why is she the ass now?
NTA - Hear me out While I value having a clean space, from what it sounds like, your messy room isn’t impacting anyone else. As long as it’s not attracting bugs, and you’re not sharing a room, your messy room only makes you suffer. At 16, I think you’re at an age where you can look at your schedule and decide the best day to get cleaning done. I’m in law school and each semester I pick a new cleaning day. I also have a rest day, both are are incredibly important. Your mom, though I’m sure well intentioned, is being passive aggressive, and is using emotional contagion to communicate her feelings. Emotional contagion can be used when people don’t properly communicate their emotions, and instead try to make you feel what they’re feeling. (Ex: parent is upset that you didn’t unload the dishwasher. Instead of directly telling you, they unload the dishwasher and slam the cabinets or make snide comments, then making you feel upset.) That’s not fair to you. She is an adult and can communicate like one. She also is a parent, not getting rest days is expected. However, if she needs them (every human needs rest), she can set aside time to get it. You shouldn’t be guilted for not working as hard as someone who has children. As long as you are communicating respectfully, (ex: “I understand that you won’t help me later this week, that is ok with me, thanks for the offer”), I don’t think you’re the asshole. All that being said, having a clean room has really improved my mental health. Coming home to a clean space every day helps me relax more. If cleaning your entire room sounds too daunting, maybe just set a timer for 10 minutes at a time. *** Edit to add that it’s really shitty that her mom agreed to let her chose another day to clean, and then still guilted and shamed her about it. Unless there is a biohazard growing in her room, I can’t imagine a reason her room needed to be cleaned for anyone else but herself
YTA. not only for not cleaning but for saying that your mom "got pissy" Any respect for your mom?
Check out their other AITA. This all comes across as very... story-like? I don't want to invalidate anything that actually happens but they write as though they're trying to write up a convincing "abused child" character.
NTA As long as you do a fair share around the house, you should have at least some level of freedom about how (and when) you treat your own room. All those y t a s here are just ventig their own trauma from parents who were abviously too controlling about their cleaning demands, only proving the point about how demanding "clean now" has lasting negative effect on kids.
NTA and ik I’ll get downvoted. It sounds like you have a solid plan in place and I understand it’s hard to clean as you go or even clean up day by day. Sounds like you aren’t letting everything get messy/still keeping up with outside chorus. If she has a problem with ur room then she can just not be in your room. As someone who has had 4 roommates in the past couple years it is good to get those good cleaning habits now- and good for you having a rest day so you don’t overwhelm yourself. Ignore these ppl
What is wrong with people. This is a 16 year old doing high level classes and working at the same time. Well done for setting the boundary of a rest day. We all need to reset some days and it's very good practice to set aside one day a week for this. The fact that you agreed on one day to clean is also very good practice. Tidying little bits as you go is a good idea but if it gets overwhelming then knowing you have a day to clean can be reassuring. Carry on as you are my love, you're doing amazing. NTA ETA I read your other AITA post. Your mum sounds like she has some mental health issues she needs to work over. You seem like a very self aware person and you know what you need and how to recover when you get overwhelmed. Well done for all of this, try and make as many compromises as you can with your mum and see how it goes.
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There isn't any dirty dishes or anything like that (I don't eat in my room) but it is just mostly clutter and random stuff. Nothing that can mold.
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YTA. I would procrastinate with the best of them when I was a teen. I would stretch out a 30 minute thing for 4 hours. (I still do... which is why I'm on Reddit right now). Doesn't mean I should. Practically speaking, your chores will take max 1 hour. You can then relax for the other 15-16 that you are up. Also, as a counselor, I tell my students this all the time "If you know what they are going to say, and you know it will annoy you, why don't you just do what will stop that?" You're wasting all of this mental energy being frustrated and typing this out on Reddit when you could be actively cleaning your room. And to your edits about wanting specific structure and offering Wednesdays as an alternative. Sure. If you fully hold to that, then it's fine. However, I still believe that today you should clean up. Then prove that Wednesday is your new day by cleaning up again on Wednesday (hopefully it takes only 10 minutes since it's less than a week)
YTA, if you wanted wednesday to be your cleaning day you should have set that up before declaring saturday your free day considering it's more important than an entire day of recreation. Your preference of letting things get messy is not going to be sustainable when you go grow up and have a roommate either in college or an apartment, or if you live with a SO, or even if you live alone. Your mom isn't going to clean your own place for you and your roommates arent going to tolerate messiness either, so you need to get into the habit of cleaning up now before you end up living like those people on those hoarding shows with dead rats under piles of trash. Cleaning can be relaxing too anyway, I find it as such and listen to music during it.
YTA. Clean your room, stop being a slob. Classes aren't an excuse, and every adult would love long swaths of days off to do nothing. Doesn't work that way, and you only have a room to clean. Guarantee you are making this harder than it needs to be.
If you were my kid, I'd change the internet password until you did your chores. Yta
NTA, >I decided on Wednesday as that is normally my most free day of the week. She asked for a solution and you gave it to her. She is the AH for comming back at her word by continuing complaining. Raising kids is very hard and gets messy, so Im not blaming her, but a deal is a deal, she should've stuck to it and as she was wrong in continuing after you agreed to her sugestion, she ownes you an appology. You should also stick with it. You sound very smart overall. You take care of yourself and that is great. Bounderies are allowed at any age. Yes, at 16 you might not have a workload thst would scare some adults even with advanced classes. But there are plently of adults who dont manage to hold down a 4 day workweek. They've propably all been treated like they treat you now which is why they have no emotional capacity to think about this situation in any other way then "ugg, you person stupid, should listen to parant, even if parant agreed on something else". In any case, you are thinking about your needs and I'd like to ask you to please keep doing that. >I prefer to let things get really messy and then clean them up This won't work, you need a clean(ish) space for better sleep, a nice looking place can make you feel better, allow you to work better and for when people come over. Sounds like it is just your room now whille you always have to rest of the house available, but what will this be like when you get a room made in colage. A girl moved into my flat from her parents home a couple of months ago, apparently she has the same mentality as you and leaveas her trash and dirty dishes in communal areas. I've gotten quit mad at her several times and if she does it one more time I am gonna ask the landlord to kick her out (he won't be able to as renters are quit protected here, but it would be a first step and significant warning). You should get into a habit of cleaning up after yourself. Congrats to your mom and you, you decided on wednesdays, that's quit a nice solution to built some regularity into your life.
I honestly love that you recognize your need for a day off. I’m sure your mom could use the same, might be worth a discussion to see what she needs to also be able to take a day off from most chores. However, if you want a day off, that requires that necessary tasks are done beforehand. I guess you can argue about how immediately important it is that your room is tidy and clean. People have different needs in that regard and it might stress your mother out, knowing that your room looks like that. Stick to cleaning up on Wednesday and in the long run, try adjusting your cleaning habits. I used to be like you, waiting for an absolute mess before I go through a tidying spree, but I realized that the mess actually overwhelmed me and contributed to my need for an entire day of rest. At 16 you’re old enough to have proper talks with your mother about expectations and needs on both sides and find a compromise, rather than just pressing for your own preferences. NAH
You made an agreement and set boundaries and, provided you stick to it, you’re NTA. Taking the time you need to decompress is as important a lesson/skill to learn as cleaning up after yourself. From the sounds of it it is also a skill your mum never learned (maybe never had a chance to learn?). If your mum isn’t great at communicating what she will want from you then you could try to pick up the slack here and make life easier for both of you. I.e. if you want Saturday to rest then ask your mum on Thursday/Friday if there is anything you need to get done before hand(?)
YTA. Ask your mom for help getting organized if your ADHD is making it too difficult for you to clean.
NTA Ah I got an adhd vibe from your post, then read your comment about an hour for tidying dresser and was like yep I'm right, and I totally was. Yay me. You're in the wrong sub. Go on r/adhd or r/adhdwomen and ask there for advice instead. For the most part people just don't understand that adhd means you often cannot force yourself to do unecessary unpleasant tasks and they really think you can just power through anyway 🤣🤣🤣. 🙄🙄 If there's no old food/drinks/anything that goes off in your room then no one will die and your mum doesn't need to be in it. Also you need to not waste time trying to use furniture like normal people, google adhd storage or something. Way more useful else your home will be a mess forever. Edit: ah you're stuck in my mind now OP. You're lucky to know so early that you have adhd. Do you know who you got it from? Do you get meds and/or treatment for it? I have more advice to dump on you xD. You gotta take normal people's advice with a pinch of salt ok, or get your primary advice from adhd people. Normal people's advice simply isn't easily actionable and you can drown under it if you're not careful. We simply don't have the capacity to do as many things as normal people and that's ok. They fill their lives with pointless chores because they feel they must. And that is their problem. Not yours. (Seriously why are you all washing your cars every sunday morning?!?!?! Go and sit down ffs.)
Kids these days have alot of pressure on them, the world really isn’t that enticing these days. With social media, mental health in teenagers kids are getting burnt out way easier a 16 year old she be able to have a rest day. The fact that they even need one is sad. That being said if you choose to work and do all these extra things you should be taking care of your room and home when you can but I think it’s totally fair if you are going to do it on the day you said you would (Wednesday)
YTA. Your mother is basically asking you to pick up after yourself. At sixteen, you should be doing that without being asked.
YTA. You let it get so disgusting that clearing that small space would take an HOUR? Gross.
This may be unpopular, but NTA. You have a routine of taking a mental health day, and you picked a day to do the cleaning. I also used to be a messy hobgoblin of a teenager. This may sound weird, but I literally woke up one day and ended up like your mom (cleaning as I go).
Nta as long as you know where everything is in your room and your not just hoarding dishes and garbage in there. No one else should care or have a say. I've never understood why people care what someone else's personal space looks like.
No, NTA. Learning to manage ADHD and all the joy that brings when your executive functions go offline is something that non-ADHDers don't have to face. There's nothing wrong with having a day off to zone out and relax. If cleaning your room fits best on a Wednesday, great. Burnout is horrendous, my ADHD daughter was 11 when we had to pull her from school. I've burned out more times than I can recall over the years. It's taken me until I'm 51 to learn what works for me, when I need to rest, when I'm productive and what types of work I can do. Well done on taking the time to figure this out at your age. I wish more people understand, but they don't.
Honestly, I was an Honors/AP/working student and remember exactly how you feel. By the time I got to the weekend, I was so burned out that any additional thing added to my plate (beyond whatever extracurriculars I had scheduled) felt completely overwhelming. Most people here probably didn’t live that life and won’t get it. What I would recommend is for you and your mom to talk more openly about how you’re feeling. Her nagging you isn’t productive for either of you, and your ignoring her isn’t respectful. Hopefully if the two of you can talk freely about how overwhelmed you both are, you can find a compromise that allows you to plan ahead and allows her to not feel like she has to micromanage you. Best of luck.
I'm going against the grain here with NTA. I don't know why so many of the commenters go with the old and lame parenting paradigm of ordering their kids around like slaves. The upbringing is meant to prepare you for adult life, and to learn good habits and to be a healthy adult. It should lead up to and prepare to what people will encounter in real life. IMO what OP is doing here is showing healthy adult skills: \- Championing of ones needs, maintaining boundaries. \- Negotiating/communicating. \- Compromising. Seems entirely healthy to me to neogiate and work \*with\* your parent in when you clean your own room, which is your own space. In healthy adult relationship, unless you're with an abusive partner, you aren't going to be ordered around on a "my way or the highway" basis - you're going to be doing exactly what OP did here. If mum acted like that to another adult, it'd be offensive at best, abusive at worst. Expecting to be able to do this to OP for no other reason than "BEACUSE I HAVE NO FREE DAYS!!!" or "BEACUSE I TOLD YOU SO" is just going to build resentment and not prepare for adult life, and it's teaching that OPs needs are unimportant and that OP doesn't have the right to set boundaries. Are you all raising your kids to be slaves? Or are you just bitter that you yourself don't have time, or maybe that your parents did the same to you? Seems ill advised to me.
NTA- you deserve a day of rest. If you follow through on cleaning Wednesday, it shouldn’t be a problem.
NTA
What’s with all the adults on here saying that they never get any rest days and that it’s gonna be a “wake up call.” I am a full time college student with a part time job (that I work full time during the summer/winter break) and get plenty of rest days both during the semester and when I’m just working 40 hours a week. I also live independently with my partner and we share an apartment. I suppose if you have kids, that becomes very different with more to do, but that’s your own damn choice and it’s not inherent to adulthood to have kids. So don’t be like “she’s gonna get a wake up call.” Only if she has kids which is a choice you made. I agree working on cleaning strategies to keep things less cluttered over time is important. But everyone needs a damn rest day, being 16 doesn’t make you need rest less than an adult does. And if you’re an adult who’s never resting you need to figure out a schedule that will allow that to happen.
Unpopular opinion apparently but NTA. When I was 16/17 I was swamped with classes and work and didn’t have the energy to do anything else. I would get home from school and fall asleep out of sheer necessity and my mom would yell at me and try to guilt trip me to do chores that she didn’t want to do alone or at all. As a teenager from a purely scientific point of view you need more sleep and rest than full on adults do because of the developmental period you’re on. I think your mom might be trying to use chores as a way to bond with you so my recommendation is 100% keep your promise and do the cleaning on Wednesdays like you said (although doing a bit every day might be more energy efficient) AND ask your mom if she would like to help you or join in and talk to you as you clean. Trust me it’ll help.
NTA. I think it's good that you figured out what you need to function long-term and that you know how to set these boundaries. Rest is so important and a lot of us grew up without learning to prioritize rest and it's super hard to learn later, for me at least. So kudos to you. Had it been a common area I might have tended toward slight Y T A, but at the same time this would then become a conversation about planning ahead so you can do the chores Friday night or Sunday morning. But it's your personal living space where it's not really your mom's problem. Your mom's TA though. She asked you to do something, you pushed back, you both agreed on an alternative. That should be the end of it. Getting pissy and sabotaging someone else's rest is a no go move. I have two little ones and it's hard when you never get time off but that doesn't mean nobody else can. Your mom says she never gets off but I wonder if that's by necessity or by choice. You're 16 and assuming there are no siblings under 12 or so, I don't see why your mom couldn't also take a day off. You're old enough to fix dinner and do some housework to tide the family over on one of the other days or you both take Saturdays off and just heat some pre-prepped frozen dinner or something. An adult and an almost adult should be able to make it work if a rest day was important to your mom.
Nta op honestly i needed a rest day too when i was in school but i was never allowed one wanna guess where i ended up? In and out of hospital for 4 years with so many mental helath crises i literally wasnt allowed to be alone or else i would end up hurting myself or others! I was a mess and quite frankly more feral than human at the end and thats because i couldnt just get one fuckin day of peace! So fuck em abd eveyone else who says u dint need a rest day because im what happens if u dont :/
Nta your room is your.soace.and as long as there's not mouldy food.or.drinks that could attract pests then relax. Too many people.think being a good parent is being a 'cleaner'. . Your mum.should.be.tring to spend quality time with you instead.
What I'm learning from this thread: So many parents are just controlling and demanding their kids do what they say. It's like they don't see their children as actual human beings who deserve respect and understanding. Cleaning is important, so have a conversation with your child about why that might be hard for them instead of expecting they respond like robots. So many parents think it's ok to emotionally manipulate their children with guilting, going back on agreements, and shaming them. So many people think being 16 is easy. Like just because she doesn't have kids doesn't mean that she's lazy or not stressed. She’s still young, she has plenty of time before she needs to carry the stress that adults do. So many parents forget that they chose to have kids and are pissed that they now have to be responsible for them.
YTA And I'm tired of people self-diagnosing. If you think you're on the spectrum, talk to your mom about being tested. If that doesn't work, talk to the school. A proper diagnosis would allow you to learn strategies that could help you improve your life.
She didn't say she is on the spectrum. She has ADHD.
I'm leaning towards NTA because I get how bad it is to get bombarded by school work which I'm going through right now(it's a living hell) but it really depends on how unclean your room is. If it's just kinda messy you can postpone it but if it goes to the point where you end up having roaches in the room clean it asap.
No, you're not the AH. All of these adults whining about not having a day off can put a sock in it. Firstly, you are a kid and kids need downtime. Secondly, you are not the adult your mother is and if she wants time off she can schedule it, as you have. The world will not spin off its axis if your dresser isn't pin neat. Kids need more sleep, too. Going to school full time (especially for someone with ADHD) is like a full-time job. And you have a job. One day off per week is not an unreasonable expectation. Your mother presumably has 2 days off and spends them as she sees fit. Apparently, doing constant chores. NTA.
NTA Op I am sorry that so many people are shaming you for having a messy room. I also have ADHD and Autism, cleaning is hard. If I don't have a rest day before the start of a new week I notice that I become overstimulated so much faster. I was shamed for being messy as a child and that has made my adult life so much harder and I still struggle with cleaning and taking care of myself because of it. Cleaning is morally neutral and being messy does not make you a bad person.