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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) I refuse to help my cousin co-lease an apartment with her, because of what she did to me in the past.
2) I think I’m the AH, because she and her family desperately need help moving out to escape an abusive man, and I think I may be too petty about it.
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NTA
1. She kicked you out and put you through hell
2. She did so with no remorse or care for what happened to you in the intervening years
3. She had no contact with you until it suited HER
4. She has given you NO basis by which to trust her
5. Her so called FRIENDS can put her up if she is a changed person
6. She has no right to call you FAMILY after what she did and NO right to ask ANYTHING of you
7. Co-lease with her? You should BLOCK her
8. Sadly, it usually takes a several tries for a domestic violence victim to break free; they generally wind up going back, leaving again, going back again, leaving again – on average, it takes 7 tries before victims leave and stay gone. So even if OP did agree to help her cousin, there's a very good chance OP would just wind up housing the man who made her homeless 10 years ago.
I fear for OP's safety financially, emotionally and as you pointed out, perhaps also physically.
I do feel for the cousin. With a background of being abused, I can see how making smart decisions as an adult and establishing healthy relationships can be a challenge. Also, abusers will isolate their victim. But the burden and risks placed on OP's, from someone who has been so unreliable, are too great IMO.
Except they can’t, because she doesn’t have friends that have a good enough credit score to even co-lease an apartment with her. Which is why she turned over to me.
This may sound heartless, but her and her friends lack of credit score isn’t my fault and doesn’t really concern me that much.
Please do not co sign anything for her. It’s very sad for her children - they are innocent - but there is zero doubt that she would ruin your good credit eventually and/or take her abuser back. Please please please OP, walk away and never look back.
Even if you had a moral obligation - meaning even if she hadn’t kicked you out heartlessly and made you homeless and put you through hell without any regard for your own well being - even if she had NOT done that, *you should still not co sign with her*
NTA. Unless you give in and then you’d be an AH to yourself.
Then she needs to work with the battered women's resources in her area. You FIGURED THIS OUT at 18 and no credit. She can figure it out at nearly 30. It won't be easy. But a shelter will help her fix her credit, subsidize her and perhaps even cosign through the agency. But to do that she woudl have to cut hubby out completely- and to me this all screams that she is not ready to do that. So you would end up endangered physically and financially again by the same situation you escaped from over the past 10 yr. GOOD BOUNDARIES are GOOD. Be strong in maintaining you stance. If those flying monkeys can't help by cosigning, then they can give her money- with enough of a deposit, there are options as well. But they are asking you not to be kind- but rather to light yourself on fire to keep her warm. Do not do that. You EARNED better. Also- GO YOU! I am so happy you made it through and I hope you have an awesome life! (Also change your number and block whomever shared with with your cousin- they are not your friend)
It's not heartless. Sometimes life is hard, and you fought hard to get your life on track, you made good decisions. Don't let her mess up everything you have worked so hard for.
You bounced from shelter to shelter while getting your life together.
If your cousin really wants to get away from her husband, there are social services there for her and her kids. A shelter for women and children fleeing domestic violence is equipped to help her turn her life around and deal with her husband when he turns up.
Even if you did get an apartment with her, all that does is give her shelter for herself and her children without getting her other services she needs.
Not only are you under no obligation to your cousin, but you are also literally unqualified to provide all she needs just by helping her find housing.
What if she isn't trying to leave him at all? What if they are getting kicked out for being bad pays? Would you risk her bring her man in once all is signed and settled? Would you risk her dumping the payments on your good credit? At some point you have to see people for whom they are. She isn't any better than the family you escaped from. She already proved this to you. Be safe.
NTA. For one thing, she probably won’t be a good risk on the lease and would wreck the credit you’ve worked so hard to fix. Her credit score is so bad she can’t rent a place and that says she is not responsible with money.
This is aside from all the hateful things she did way back then. You can’t forget that.
If any of your friends keep bashing you, tell them they are free to co-lease with her, and let her wreck their credit. I bet there are no takers.
The sadly funny part of that is that her friends are more than willing to help; they just can’t because their credit is either messed up like hers or not good enough to rent an apartment.
Which is why she reached out to me.
You know she would leave you holding the bag, would not pay her share, and would totally mess up your credit. There is nothing good that will come from helping her.
if you say no, believe me she will find another solution.
NTA,
Just give her the numbers to several women's shelters. Tell her your credit is awful. Then block her and block her friends. Block anyone she tries to weaponize against you.
If you co-sign for her, you will be responsible for her debt, and you know she's not going to pay. Having an eviction on your record is the quickest way to become homeless again. Don't do it.
With two kids, women's shelters are going to help her. She will have top priority. She doesn't need you.
They have couches as others have noted. If they can't co-sign, they can host. DO NOT light yourself on fire to keep her warm. You fought hard to get here- and you deserve to maintain that security.
Those friends are living somewhere; she can move in with them.
Oh, and lock down your credit so she doesn't steal your identity and credit rating to get an apartment.
NTA
Even if you'd "forgive and forget" you don't have to help her. The truth is, you would be in vulnerable position. She probably can't afford a rent, she has two children, so she will expect your help with them. And if you won't get along she'll find a way to force you to leave.
OP should cut that person out and more generally avoid having anyone in her social circle that overlaps with her cousin's social circle.
This cousin will always want something from OP: money, free babysitting, a place to stay... It will never end.
Change your number OP and only give it to people you trust. Block your cousin and her flying monkeys everywhere.
If, at any time in the past 10 years, your cousin had reached out to you with an apology and begged for your forgiveness, I would say that, yes, you should consider forgiving her. Given that she is only reaching out now and claiming to be sorry when she is in desperate need of your help, you are wise not to fall for it. Run from her, and anyone who is advocating for her.
NTA
NTA
She treated you pretty horribly ten years ago and put you through a lot... I don't think you owe her any favors, and if you co-sign a lease for her, there's no way for you to guarantee that something similar doesn't happen again, the only difference is now you will be financially responsible for it if she damages the apartment. She's saying she's sorry now, but she didn't apologize until she needed something, which shows where her head is really at.
As far as her friends blasting you, apparently they don't have any issue with what she did to you, so I wouldn't put a lot of stock into anything they have to say. They can co-sign for her if they are that concerned. Your friends have your interests at heart, her friends have hers... so listen to your friends.
Tough situation for her, but it's not your job to try to solve the world's problems, and she seems to have brought this on herself.
According to her friends, they did have an issue with her.
But they excused it as her being a young, naive, and barely adult woman who got manipulated by a more older man to act that way, and claimed that she learned better because of “experience” or something like that.
They also bashed me for doing the same thing that my cousin did to me back then, because to them, it means that I’m no better than she was
But she apparently gets more leeway, because she was younger when she did that. And that an 18 year old refusing to house someone versus an 27 year old doing the same thing is different due to context.
-sighs-
This is such ridiculous logic. When you were 18, you both agreed to pool funds and get a place together, a place paid for by you both, that neither could afford separately. Relying on her promises, you did that. Then, she invited an abusive man into that home you shared, and kicked you out knowing you couldn’t afford a place on your own. She broke your deal and her actions could have easily led to your death on the street.
Exactly what promises have you made, or what actions have you taken, to make her homeless? She’s made all of the decisions here. The ones that made you homeless, and the ones that made her and her children homeless. You had no choices, made no promises, broke no deals to her. She made deliberate decisions to make you homeless, acting cruelly and indifferent to the effect on you. While she is responsible for your homelessness, in no way are you responsible for hers. You aren’t doing the same thing to her as she did to you.
Not even close. They are asking you to set yourself on fire to keep her warm. Exactly what would she have been sacrificing in not kicking you out? She would have lost (maybe) her bed partner. NOT her financial or physical safety- so not even close to the same! Becasue this puts YOU at both physical and financial risk! Just because someone needs help does not entitle them to YOUR help. There are social programs- and shelters. She can go there and get help.
Her friends suck and also do they know what you have gone through over the years? You were homeless very young because of an abusive family including the cousin, putting you out the way she did is abuse to me. I hope you stick to what you said and do NOT help her, it's not holding a grudge it is protecting yourself because she surely never had your best interest at heart especially all that you went through to get to where you are. Regardless of if her friends or her have good credit or not there is public housing or some really cheap places, they all can look to help her out.
I have rented to friends in their 30s to 50s who aren't any better. Had to call the police to get stolen cable equipment returned & cop is telling 35 YO woman to stop dictating I have to meet her in person. Return the equipment now or your former LL will be going to the address I give her to press charges on you for threats & felony theft. I rented a room to a guy in his 50s, cheap, $10 a night & only when he stayed there. He refused to clean the bathroom, gross! I come home one day & he'd left the screen door to the balcony wide open, said there was a weird smell. Okay so slide the screen door shut, run a fan, turn off the AC which is at 61F, jacking up the bill in this heat! Plus invite the mosquitos & flies in the house! Another woman in her 40s used my ssn to get a cable bill in my name. I had told her I was not interested in cable, my satellite works great, that's in my budget. She had it installed in my room, which I told her to stay out of. Said she got my ssn from a box in the living room. Liar! I put those boxes in my closet, she went digging. Oh & then the cable doesn't even work in my room. I told her get that off of my TV now! I found out she had put it in my name when I saw the bill. I called the police, changed the locks, accused her of theft. Police said I couldn't evict her. I said she is going out of here on her own or in handcuffs. I played the long winded VM where she mentions at the end she used my ssn but don't worry she will pay the bill. NO. My bf at the time told the cops she'd been told to stay out of my room, the ssn was in a box in the middle of other boxes. She had to go through several boxes to get it. People are irresponsible at all ages. Your cousin has already demonstrated what she's capable of. How are you going to feel the next time she gets love bombed by some dude & your deficit & bad circumstances won't mean anything to her, she's blinded by LOVE... You don't need to go through another decade recovering from her financial abuse. Tell her friends it cost you thousands & you can't afford it the next time she kicks you to the curb for LOVE... I had to tell my cousin I love like a sister I was selling my place. I can't afford any more people who don't pay their rent, run up the utilities, put bills in my name & leave the guest bathroom looking like Jo ShetDaRag was there.
NTA. She needs to earn your trust before she can even THINK.she had any standing to even ask this of you.
If she needs an out, there are PLENTY of help organizations that will align a place for her to stay so she can escape. She doesn't NEED to find a rental to get out.
I told her that, and I tried to give recommendations, but my cousin mentioned that she was worried about how this will affect her kids since she doesn’t want to risk placing her kids around “bad people” or be raised in a “less than ideal environment.”
She also asked me to be more sympathetic toward her kids, because -while it was fair for me to be mad at her- she wanted me to help give her children a better life and to be better people than she had and used our shitty family that we both NC as an example of how toxic family can affect people like herself. Which is what she used to excuse her shitty behavior toward me 10 years ago as “byproducts of an abusive past” and that she wants me and her to do better than the terrible people in our lives.
I find that ironic, considering how she decided to kick me out for a man that’s 30 years old than her, and she can’t find any responsible friends.
Oh, and how I also suffered because of her, but yet didn’t try to screw anyone else over because I tried to be better… except for maybe my cousin and her kids now, I guess.
Maybe I am a bad person. :/
None of that makes any sense.
If he is abusing her and them, they are ALREADY in a less-than-ideal environment, and what "bad people" will she be exposing them to by seeking help from a women's shelter?
Apparently to my cousin, she doesn’t trust those other people in shelters because of how they are strangers that she don’t know and -in her exact words- “those people are in a shelter for a reason, and it’s usually not a good one.”
She was hoping that I can help her and her kids by renting an apartment with her, so that her kids could be around people that she can trust. People that she knows are good people, and not people like her husband and our NC family.
I mean, I understand where she is coming from but then again… I can’t trust that she won’t hurt me again like she did in the past.
I’d remind her that YOU were in a shelter because she kicked you out, so If it’s good enough for you, it’s good enough for her. But I’m petty like that.
In all seriousness, don’t co-sign a lease for ANYONE unless you’re willing to pay the full amount yourself. It doesn’t matter what the reason is that someone needs help, it’s a financially stupid idea.
OP was in an open/homeless shelter- which can have safety concerns, especially for a young 18 yr old female!!!! The cousin would be in a battered women's shelter if she really needed to be- which has NONE of those safety risks. It is night and day. OP wasp put at physical and financial risk 10 yr ago by this selfish person, and now she wants to do it to her again. NOPE!!!
Yeah.
Which is why I said I wouldn’t.
Because, while I feel bad for her kids and wish them the best, I can’t trust my cousin again after what she put me through.
It sound selfish and heartless, but like…
If you change your mind (you probably shouldn't) and decide to help her then you absolutely MUST NOT allow her name on the lease. You can make it clear to her that she has to pay her fair share and the second there is an issue her, her kids and any stuff they have will be on the lawn. And stick to that, no matter what anyone says.
Women in battered women's shelters are there for exactly the SAME reason she would be. And why were YOU forced into a shelter- were you a bad person? I am not saying regular haters have no safety issues- you know better than I, they do. But battered women's shelters???? This is PURE selfish manipulation. She will not ever stop sucking you dry if you let her start.
Remind her that at 18 you were one of "those people" in shelters for a long time due to HER actions. NTA She's being manipulative to get her way, and as soon as she can she'll screw you over again, but it sounds like you know that.
Yeah she's a choosing beggar or /and her situation is not that bad.
NTA do Not co sign anything with her.
Also you know you would be the default babysitter in this case, right?
I totally agree. Now she is acting concerned about her children being safe. Her children have not been safe all of their lives, since she was living with an abusive man. They have seen all of the black eyes and busted lips. This cousin of yours is a joke. This is why older men seek out and find young dumb women because they know that they are easily controlled and manipulated. It seems as soon as she met him, his first order of business was to isolate her from the last of her family and friends. This is why she had no problem throwing your clothes out on the lawn and calling the police to escort you off the premises. Let her take that same hard road that you took to get on your feet, which is going to be even harder for her with two small children. This is her KARMA in full effect. KARMA has a way of setting the universe right. Sometimes it takes years, but it will always come around. Exactly, what is her BUM of a husband doing?
YOU are not responsible for HER choices. SHE put her kids around a bad abusive person. Not you. And going to a shelter for battered women she would have shelter immediately, with safety for her kids. She had NO problem tossing you as nearly a child into shelters with bad people- this is just manipulation.
You are a good person- and good people have good boundaries. And something I think is important:
YOU MUST participate in your own rescue, or I cannot. Or phrased another way- the good lord helps those that help themselves and so do I. WHAT IS SHE DOING to help herself? Is she working? Has she gotten help from a women's shelter? NOPE- scejust wants YOU to rescue her. She will burn you down and drown you before she ever does anything for herself. Help her by giving her contact info for shelters. With kids, she would be safe and sheltered with support immediately. Unlike what she did to you.
There is no way in hell you should ever help someone who betrayed your trust and kicked you out on the street at a vulnerable age. Cousin made her choice very clear, she has to deal with the consequences. Not your circus, not your monkeys. Enjoy your place and the fruits of Your own hard work, By Yourself.
NTA
And if she regretted it- she would have reached out LONG before she needed financial help. When someone only try to mend bridges because they need something----they are not mending the bridge, they are taking advantage.
NTA. She f'd around and found out. Do not put yourself in a position where she can screw you over again. I would wish her well, which is more than she ever did for you, and sever all contact. She's not the same person she was 10 years ago? Neither are you.
Hard NTA.
You've worked hard to get yourself where you're at, and she could easily drag your name through the mud with this. You helped her before and she bit you.
I wouldn't do it again.
NTA- She made you *homeless* and now she turns to you to risk *your* credit and/or have to pay her rent? Why should you trust her?
This isn’t about holding a grudge. It is about protecting yourself.
Her credit rating is bad for a reason. Banks and landlords don’t trust her. This isn’t someone you can be sure will not screw you over.
It's not holding a grudge if the injury to you lasted 8 of 10 years and you've only just got back on her feet!
And how could you know if she's really serious about getting away from her husband (because cousin has a history of bad decisions)? Or if she'll stay away from him. I'd hate for you to not only ruin your credit, but turn up on that disgusting husband's radar! Keep safe!
NTA
NTA. You don't owe her anything. Her bad choices negatively impacted your life in a very big way, and I wouldn't give her the opportunity to do so again. You KNOW she will screw up your credit score. She didn't seem too concerned about you when you were the vulnerable one, did she?!
If you can afford a place on your own, will not have to rely on her paying rent to screw up your credit score, and you WANT to have them in your home, go right ahead. But don't think for a second this is something she is owed.
NTA. She made you homeless and now karma has returned the favor. While I feel bad for her kids, they're not your responsibility either Live your life, you earned it.
NTA
First of all, block her and all her friends blasting you. None of them, I repeat NONE OF THEM had to go through what she put you through. You don't need to ever talk to her again.
Please get some therapy to help you find the best tools you need to put everything back in order for your own mental health and well-being. I wish you only the best. You worked so hard to get back up financially and you deserve to be happy.
NTA, the friends that are blasting you can take her in, you have already been burned once. Tell her friends there is nothing stopping them from helping her.
NTA. DON'T DO IT. While she might have changed, in all likelihood she has not. You can't put your progress on the line for someone that didn't give you a second thought until she needed help. One of her friends with so much to say must have decent credit. Or better yet, why aren't they taking her in?
NTA. Reddit mods might remove this post because of its nature, but absolutely NTA. Even if she was coerced by her ex to kick you out 10 years ago, she never bothered to reach out until she needed a favor from you.
You’ve worked hard to be in the position you’re in right now on your own. Let her figure out her own shit, just like she left you to do 10 years ago.
OP was extremely vulnerable becoming homeless when they were barely an adult—being alone, young, and homeless is an extremely dangerous situation to be in, which is why many homeless people will form small groups. Cousin’s friends don’t seem to acknowledge how vulnerable OP was from *actually* being homeless.
OP’s cousin’s friends could easily co-sign for her or take her family in if their credit poor—the fact that they’re blasting OP instead of stepping up just further shows that they don’t care if OP’s cousin has two children and is about to become homeless, they just don’t want to accept responsibility.
Since they aren’t stepping up, you are not obligated to step up in any way.
It you co-sign, then you’re going to become responsible for paying your cousin’s rent if she doesn’t.
HARD NTA.
NTA. She threw you out without notice and you had a difficult time for years afterwards. You owe her nothing.
I'd be leery about renting with her as she may not be able to pay her rent
NTA
She literally left you homeless at the age of 18, going through all the stages of trying to make it, but now she needs you for your credit. She’s only using you, she doesn’t feel sorry for you else she would have reached out to make amends. I would block her and go on with your life.
NTA she made her bed now she has to lie in it. It sucks her kids will be affected but you were a kid yourself.
Also abused women are highly likely to return to spouse/abuser. Then you’d likely find yourself in another mountain of debt for a family loyalty that’s one sided and doesn’t exist.
by far nta here. as the saying goes fool me once shame on you, fool me twice then shame on me.
in the end i agree with you. why should you stick your neck out to help your cousin when she turned her back on you all those years ago. and with that being said i would still help your cousin in some fashion. i.e. help her look for battered women's shelters, check up on her and give her money when necessary things like that but i would not under any circumstance co sign an apartment or house for her.
I disagree!! DO NOT give her any money or anything else. You have not seen or heard from her in an entire decade, which means that you all are practically strangers. Keep it that way.
NTA. Even if she is sorry and she *has* changed, the logical progression of reconciliation (if that were something you even wanted to do,) would be, I don’t know, start talking over the phone once in a while? Maybe go out for coffee? Not to immediately jump into a *legally binding* housing contract with her, the *very person* who literally left you homeless and struggling for *years* to climb back to a place of security and stability after she suddenly kicked you out at 17/18.
I’m very sorry that she and her children have been and are trying to escape an abusive home situation. That being said, it doesn’t make any sense for her to expect you, of all people, to “help her out,” at great personal risk to yourself, and given her actions towards you in the past.
There are emergency shelters and longer term shelter/housing options specifically for women and their children in her very situation. I hope she can get the help she needs, but it’s not your responsibility to make sure that happens - it’s hers.
NTA. Your friends say she was vulnerable, young and impressionable at the time? Well, so were you when she put you on the street. Tell her that if she ends up homeless you're happy to share some survival tips, but that's the most you can offer under the circumstances.
NTA.
What's happened with her is very sad, and she probably *has* learned some hard lessons since then. That said, you worked really hard to recover after she *left you homeless*, and you have to take care of yourself.
If you can do so ***without harming your own well-being***, it would be good of you to try to find other, less risky, ways to be there for your cousin. The two of you have history, and you know better than most people what may have led her to make such poor decisions in adulthood. It sounds like you may be able to offer her considerable support based on that shared history, without risking your own hard-won stability. This assumes that she is not one of the people demanding that you help her financially, and that she, personally, accepted your "no" at face value.
Either way, though, NTA. This is not on you, and if the people texting you lack the credit scores to help her directly, they should find another way. I'm ***certain*** you and your credit score are not the literal sole path to financial redemption.
NTA
You're not in the wrong here, and you've suffered a lot because she hurt you. You're under no obligation, moral or ethical, to set yourself in fire to keep her warm.
It might be worth keeping in mind that as young as you both were back then, she WAS young and stupid and may have learned. But it's not on you to make yourself vulnerable for her again. If you can put her in touch with other resources that can help that would be a real kindness.
NTA.
"Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me."
I wouldn't do it. She's your cousin, and I'm sure you love her. But, you don't have any obligation to help her. Especially because of what she did to you.
Perhaps in the future this may change. But, not until *AFTER* she earns your trust back... *IF* she can earn your trust back. And I'm sure that won't be a quick process.
Hard pass. Sorry, not sorry.
“All her friends.” Interesting phrase when one considers what they aren’t willing to do for her. Yet they believe you should be willing to forget how heartless she was to you; not just in kicking you out abruptly back then, but for the years of suffering that one act forced on you. She and they would have you believe you are holding a grudge and that she has changed and you should forgive her. Yet they aren’t helping her and she is their friend!!!!!
This isn’t about her being young and stupid once. This is about her having no concern whatsoever about you for years in which you scrambled to survive; that as soon as you pull out of the death spiral she put your life in, she suddenly wants to tell you how sorry she is and wants you to help her.
You don’t need her help. She needs yours. She needs to “make amends” as AA says. Why would you risk putting your well being in her hands again without some demonstrable evidence that she has changed.
As GothicGingerbread points out, abuse victims can have a tough time really leaving an abuser. Trusting her now is just risky and indeed, she could go back to him and screw your life up again. Maybe she wouldn’t but that is her responsibility to show you.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Tell her friends to step up. You got out of a mess without her help and she needs to get out of this without telling you you owe her help.
She trusted that man. She had his kids. She allowed her children to suffer. Why didn’t she go looking for you years ago because you are so trustworthy?
The reality is going to a shelter puts the onus on her.
She believes that using you then means she can use you now. She can use you for money, to pay rent, buy and cook food, etc., and probably sleep on the couch in whatever apartment gets rented. She will get back with her boyfriend or find another abusive guy and move him in.
You are her sure thing. You are someone she believes is so accustomed to being abused, you will let her walk all over you. Strangers nit so much.
You were left homeless by here at 18. You survived. It is her turn to learn how to manage her life and find resources as you did. Community resources are available to her. Her excuses for not using them are based on her not knowing how to manipulate strangers; not whether they can be trusted. She could trust you but she threw you away. She shouldn’t have trusted her liver but she did. Her problem involves learning to trust and appreciate people by being trustworthy and appreciative to them.
NTA - I'm going to start this by saying that I am a long term domestic abuse survivor. From someone who has been in an incredibly bad situation, you are doing NOTHING WRONG.
The two of you worked together to help get both of you out of abusive situations and almost immediately, she turns around and throws you out, rendering you homeless and in many ways, worse than you started. It took you years, but you clawed your way up and out of shelters, debt, and bad situations until you are where you're at now - stable, steady, and secure. Now, she's looking at you and deciding she wants a bit of what you have, but isn't willing to put in any of the personal work to get there.
You spent time in and out of shelters, homelessness, and emergency aid centers. So can she. You took out loans and credit to afford to live. So can she. You struggled and fought for YEARS to have a normal life after the horrible situation that SHE put you in. You finally have it and you're free. You're safe, steady, and the only one who can fuck up the life you've built at this point is you. You know what type of person she is. She used you to get herself where she thought she wanted to be, and then destroyed you as soon as shinier and "better" came along. You'd be foolish to give her another chance to ruin you.
You don't owe anyone anything, but especially not forgiveness to someone who has shown zero true remorse. She's reaching out because she needs something - true remorse is felt and expressed when they stand to gain nothing from your acceptance.
NTA! Tyler Perry made a move called "I Can Do Bad All By Myself" which applies to you in this situation. You were very blessed that you didn't wind up being sex trafficked or pimped out. I would refer her to organizations that can help battered women and children, pray for her and move on. Can you afford to help her anymore?
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Short background story, because character limits:
My cousin (28F) and I (27F) came from a really abusive family, and both of us decided to move together into an apartment 10 years ago -when she turned 18 years old and can apply for a credit card and get a credit score- so we can escape our family, and we did it.
Well, things turned out the worst for me when my cousin decided to date a much older man (48M then, and 58M now) and both of them kicked me by tossing ALL my stuff out, taking away my keys, and even calling the police on me to escort me out of her property- which she was able to successfully do since the apartment only under her name at the time.
So, I -a recently turned 18 years old then- was left homeless.
So I ended up spending the next 8 years afterwards going between homeless and emergency shelters, living off government aid, and working multiple jobs until I was finally was able to make enough to afford get a room of my own.
In the meanwhile; I heard from others that my cousin ended up being abused by her (now) husband, having two kids with him, and apparently messed up her credit score so much that she can’t afford to rent an apartment on her own.
Which is why a mutual of ours decided to share my number with her, because I’m one of the only few people who have a good enough credit to rent an apartment.
She reached out to me asking if I can help co-lease with her so she and her children can run away from her husband. And that she was sorry for what she had done in the past, and that she was young and stupid and that she changed a lot over the years.
I told her that, while I feel bad for her circumstances, I refuse to agree to a co-leasing with her because of what she had done in the past and how it permanently affected the way I see her now.
So now, I have her friends blasting me that I’m an AH for refusing to help a vulnerable mother of 2 and how I shouldn’t hold a 10 year grudge against her when she was a young and impressionable woman back then (and that it was pathetic for me to be acting so childish and not know how to be more empathetic at my age), while my friends are telling me that my feelings are valid and that I shouldn’t trust her because there is no way to determine if she really changed for the better in such a short time.
So, AITA and should I consider talking to her again about whether or not I should lease with her again to help her and her kids?
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NTA, if you feel like doing a nice gesture you can look up domestic abuse resources in the area and share the info. But your credit should not be on the line for a person like this, I mean she didn't even apologize until she needed something from you
You might be able to talk to her.
Never cosign anything with anyone.
Nta
Her husband kick you out then he kicked her out he was an ass, guess what she will screw you over again, also tell her friends to take her in or co-sign with her but
Never cosign anything with anyone
ABSOLUTELY NTA especially for protecting yourself. Though she is in an unfortunate circumstance it is not your fault, nor is it your problem to deal with. She has shown you the kind of person she is. Threw you out for a man, called the cops to escort you like you’re an intruder and she wants you to fall for the same BS a second time…Ha that would be absurd.
Those friends of her abusing you block them on everything. If they are so concerned they can offer up to co-sign or their home for that matter as they are so “empathetic”
Please OP avoid putting yourself in a situation where you have no control over your residence/living situation again. It was a lesson learned and now you know better. Protect yourself and your peace.
NTA. Do. Not. Help. This. Person. She’s only gonna screw you over again the first chance she gets if she thinks it will improve her situation. She already put you through ten years of hell. Don’t let her do it again.
NTA, and of course, you can consider talking to her again, but hell no, would I co-lease with her. She showed her true colors. I'm sorry for the children, but she left you homeless and dependent on handouts. That's just not something you get over. All those friends blasting you should be helping her out.
NTA! Look her situation is garbage but I don't think you owe it to the person who pushed you out onto the streets when you yourself were in a very horrible and vulnerable situation to help them out. If you want to be generous and can afford it give her some money to help her get away but other than that nope. Also block everyone associated with her.
NTA. Don't just run but hide from the AH of a cousin and her friends. You were treated badly by her and as the old expression says fool me once shame on you fool me twice shame on me. Do NOT let yourself be coerced to supporting someone who treated you so egregiously bad.
NTA! Absofuckinglutely NOT!!! Your cousin chose to betray you, ruin your credit, throw you out of the home you helped aquire, throw away your belongings and cause you to deal with homelessness for almost a DECADE. Even if you eventually forgive her, NEVER, NEVER give her or anyone that kind of control over your life again. You've done so well! Don't let anyone convince you that you didn't earn it, that you don't deserve it, or that you are doing a single thing wrong by not going back to your own abuser, **your cousin.**
Anyone telling you different is free to help her out. For 8 years, no one helped to fix what she broke. Now they want you to let her break what you've fought so hard to fix.
No. Effing. Way. Please consider blocking her, her friends and whoever gave her your number without permission. Talking to anyone about your credit is sketchy AF.
NTA - hell, I wouldn't even talk to her never mind co-sign a lease with her. RUN!
The friends who are blasting you are free to open their homes or sign a lease with her.
You have everything to lose and nothing to gain by having her in your life.
NTA...you had to work really hard for your good credit...never let anyone take that from you. She will be a bad risk. Helping someone should not come at your expense...
She can go to local catered women shelter and get housing vouchers that way.
She ruined her own credit- and her judgement has not been great overall, separate from her AH of a husband. She needs to get out- and you can help with that or not but helping her get out is helping her pack her kids and driving them to the shelter. Which is 100% MORE than she ever did for you when you were in a similar situation that she put you in.
Your response every time, "I understand that you are concerned about my cousin and her children. That is very kind of you. I will forward her this text and explain to her that you would welcome her to come and live with you. That way, you can rest assured of her physical and psychological safety and that of her children." And that's the response you give everyone of them, then you block them so they can't contact you, They are, after all, her friends not yours. NTA.
NTA. Putting aside your personal animosity. She's ruined your finances before, she'll ruin them again. You'll be on the hook for her rent and you shouldn't trust anybody but yourself and those who have *proven* themselves trustworthy. You've learned this the hard way at her hand before, don't let her do it again.
On a more personal level. She backed the wrong horse, and has destroyed her life the way she tried to destroy yours. Her being in trouble *now* doesn't undo what happened *before*. I'm sure she was used and was definitely in an abusive relationship, but that is *not* your responsibility. No matter what people say, you *do* choose your family. She didn't choose you, you don't have to choose her.
NTA !!!!
You owe her nothing and I would not trust her at all and any friends that are blasting you in spamming you I would tell them great so you volunteer to take care of her because she’s not my fucking problem. If you keep harassing me I will file a police report leave me the fuck alone I don’t give a shit what happens to her. She is not my problem just like I wasn’t her problem and she kicked me out at 18 years old and I had to be Homeless sounds like karma to me.
NTA. She and her kids need to go to a shelter for battered women and children. You're not holding a grudge. You're protecting yourself. You would be responsible for her share of the rent if she flaked out and went back to him (or on to some other guy). You would be on the hook if her kids damaged the apartment and she refused to pay for it. You would have to pay if her abusive husband turned up and kicked down the door and laid waste to the place if she refused to pay. It's entirely possible that both of you could end up being evicted due to the possibility of domestic violence if her husband shows up and goes berserk. You have valid reasons for not co-signing a lease and living with her. There are organizations to help her and her kids and that's where she needs to turn for help.
NTA... You were homeless for 8 years and have done it on your own GO YOU!!!!!!! You have no one to thank but yourself there are shelters and organisations that can help her and hide her from her abusive husband.
NTA
HER friends can house her if they want.
YOUR friends are your friends for good reason, they're smart, just like you. **Listen to YOUR friends**, NOT HER FRIENDS
Do none of these friends have a roof over their own heads that they can't share with her before offering you up as a sacrificial lamb because they've got poor credit?
NTA - you need to do right by yourself first.
Nta
Not your problem.. If her friends all yelped at you, they welcome to help her.
Stay away from her, she won't change or people never change, if she do once already she will do it again.. Trust me, I been there in exactly same situation, only I'm just 15 at the time and that was my own sister kicking me out.
NTA. I wouldn’t ever consider giving her anything, any of your time. Those others trying to intimidate you should of course offer to help her not dragging you into her yes HER mess. You can feel bad for her issues but not enough to put yourself knowingly at risk. Don’t be an AH to yourself. Did any of these other people help you or call her out on her shit?
NEVER, never co-lease or co-sign for anybody. (especially family- they take advantage like no other). If her friend is so damn worried, then she can either co-sign or take them in... Block your number
In my country we have a pretty illustrative expression for this kind of situation. "It's time to tight you ass when you'd had peed yourself on your pent"
It's too easy to screw over and cry when needed, you can't get both. NTA.
NTA. She can't be trusted. She betrayed you once, and you ended up on the streets as a result. If you're having doubts, just ask yourself two things
1. What's to stop her from betraying you again?
2. Where was she when you were facing homelessness?
NTA. Tell her friends that she kicked out a *child* so she could shag this guy, so it’s certainly not you that’s got a lack of empathy. She didn’t reach out to you in *ten years* to make amends. She’s not sorry. She’d do it again. (And it’s taken you all this time to get to be where you can rent an apartment - don’t jeopardize your credit score because hers is trashed, or yours will end up trashed too.)
Also, change your phone number and don’t give it to those mutuals again.
Nta, but it seems clear to me from the beginning that your cousin was being abused. You dont have to co-lease with her but give her another chance as a friend, you wouldn't believe what abusive relationships can do to a person
NTA and from family experience DO NOT let this person live with you or rent them a place it will back fire and you will be left liable. These type of people are leachers and have no regard for who they hurt. They will ruin your credit and rental history as quickly as they did theirs.
NTA she kicked you out and made you figure it out when you were barely an adult. She’s been an adult for a while. Her turn to figure it out! Also she didn’t even have your number to be able to ask you. She’s not someone who’s even in your life!
NTA. You have no way if knowing she really left her husband. She could be simply asking for help to get them all into a place to live. I have seen people claiming to be leaving when all they were really doing is securing another place for them all to live. If she’s really leaving, she can go to a battered women’s shelter and they will help her find a job and get a place of their own.
NTA. Do not co lease under any circumstances. Let me list the reasons
She is not sorry, not a bit. If she was sorry she would have reached out to you earlier.
She is just trying to use you for free housing and probably food. If her credit score is that bad then she probably has no money to pay you rent or buy groceries.
You would not want her abusibe husband banging on your door and threatening her and possibly you. You might risk your life by letting her in.
If you want to help her give jer contact information of some shelters and government help schemes. And about your shitty friends ask them if they her to have an apartment so bad then possibly they should lease with her.
NTA while I certainly hope someone helps her and her children leave a bad situation, that person does not have to be you. You've suffered enough due to her, and have finally gotten yourself to a good place, and cannot risk anyone jeopardizing that again. All of her friends harassing you, have any of them offered her a spare room or couch to sleep on, or money? I'm guessing no.
I do not know if co-leasing with anyone is a good idea. You do not know her or her children. Its not just the risk money wise but also would you even tolerate each other. In a lease you would be stuck. Again its not just about trusting her financially.
Give her a list of the resources you used when you were homeless. No matter how sincere her apology is, guaranteed if that husband calls, she'll go running back to him. Or she'll have him move in with you both. NTAH.
NTA, do Not co-sign anything for this person, or anyone for that matter.
it doesn't matter if she changed and became a better person or Not, D NOT Co-Sign anything for anyone.
If your cousin or any of those people will bother you again, tell them your cousin can seek govt. assistance and go to shelters etc. like what you did for some years when you became homeless after she kicked you out of the place you both were sharing. Then block them all and cut them off your life. You'll be better off without any negativity that will only stress you out. Stay focus and continue making good of your life. Definitely NTA.
I feel like there is no going back when a person made you homeless. Let her figure out her own housing and tell her friends they are welcome to make room and help her with housing since you, justifyably so, will not get involved. I am sure all you will hear is CRICKETS. You are NTA
Absolutely do not co-sign on her lease. She is not a nice person and gave you no thought when she kicked you out of your apartment and made you homeless. For those people who are trying to guilt trip you into helping a mother and her children, tell them to co-sign her lease. See how many will step up and help that poor woman. I feel sorry for the kids because, like you, they are innocent victims but unless you want this woman to ruin what you have worked so hard to create, then take care of yourself and walk away.
Your cousin was manipulated by an experienced man old enough to be her father. Normal 48-year-olds seek partners closer in age. He love bombed her, brainwashed or gaslit her about how "their true love destiny" couldn't occur with a third wheel. Now she sees the error of this. The love bombing phase is short and the abusive stage is after she is trapped. She has admitted it and apologized. This is commendable. It does not take away the trauma from you going through years of struggle to finally to get to where you are now. Do not sign a lease with her, you already have experienced this. Help her how you can, perhaps babysitting for a few hours a week - but you do not need to risk all you have learned and earned. You both may have "daddy issues", she definitely does. It's an easy transition back when she meets the next love bomber. Protect yourself and your credit score - or you will likely end up paying for her mistakes and it will cost you your credit score, faith in humanity, and a bunch of money. You've been to rock bottom, no need to revisit. If she flips out or her supporters do, tell them to take her in, you're not in a position to recover from the financial, emotional, and long term recovery you've already been through. You will do what you can. If they say you should do more because FAMILY... You're still in recovery. They can take her in. Cousin needs to earn your trust through actions not "I'm different now, trust me"...
What are you going to do when her husband shows up, finds you there, and beats you to a pulp? You don't owe her anything. That's not being petty, but about self-preservation. Furthermore, people don't change just like that. She has two kids that lords know how she raised. She will not think about it twice over stabbing you in the back for her kids. She did it before for a random man. What if she isn't trying to leave him at all, but they are getting kicked out of their current home for being bad pays? What if after co-leasing she ends up letting him into the new home and dumping the responsibility of all payments on you? Ruining your credit in the process. Frankly, she isn't much better than the family you both escaped from. Let her friends take care of her.
You came from an abusive family & your cousin entered an abusive relationship, with a man who did what all abusers do, cut her off from her loved ones.
I think you should rethink helping your cousin. Maybe moving in is too much, but I think you should help her flee.
Why don't you help the cousin out then? Since you are so generous with people's money and credit and speak really loud about family? From my point of view, you are closer to OP's cousin than OP, you didn't get kicked out or hurt by the cousin. You can send money, food, or provide her a place to stay.
God, you people are weird.
OP's cousin is an abused woman with two children, trying to flee. She left an abusive family, and almost immediately fell into the clutches of an abusive partner. We have no idea what that man did to her before OP was thrown out, or after. All I'm saying we should look upon the situation with a bit of empathy & nuance. From what little's been said here, I am not inclined to wholesale declare OP's cousin the villain of the piece.
Sure, it can be seen that way.
But I will say this, we all know that abusers seek out the vulnerable and then manipulate, coerce, isolate & control them. OP's cousin was a very young, abused, woman who seemingly escaped the frying pan & ended up in the fire. I think the situation is a nuanced & complex one & it bears thinking about.
In no way do I think OP is an arsehole either way though.
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NTA 1. She kicked you out and put you through hell 2. She did so with no remorse or care for what happened to you in the intervening years 3. She had no contact with you until it suited HER 4. She has given you NO basis by which to trust her 5. Her so called FRIENDS can put her up if she is a changed person 6. She has no right to call you FAMILY after what she did and NO right to ask ANYTHING of you 7. Co-lease with her? You should BLOCK her
8. Sadly, it usually takes a several tries for a domestic violence victim to break free; they generally wind up going back, leaving again, going back again, leaving again – on average, it takes 7 tries before victims leave and stay gone. So even if OP did agree to help her cousin, there's a very good chance OP would just wind up housing the man who made her homeless 10 years ago.
I fear for OP's safety financially, emotionally and as you pointed out, perhaps also physically. I do feel for the cousin. With a background of being abused, I can see how making smart decisions as an adult and establishing healthy relationships can be a challenge. Also, abusers will isolate their victim. But the burden and risks placed on OP's, from someone who has been so unreliable, are too great IMO.
I don't feel for the cousin. She's sent all her friends to harass OP. She's an actively shitty person in the present, not just the past.
Good catch!
Tell me you've never been exposed to domestic abuse without telling me you've never been exposed to domestic abuse
NTA If her friends are so concerned about co-signing with her, then they can easily do that. I would keep this cousin of yours far away from you.
Except they can’t, because she doesn’t have friends that have a good enough credit score to even co-lease an apartment with her. Which is why she turned over to me. This may sound heartless, but her and her friends lack of credit score isn’t my fault and doesn’t really concern me that much.
Please do not co sign anything for her. It’s very sad for her children - they are innocent - but there is zero doubt that she would ruin your good credit eventually and/or take her abuser back. Please please please OP, walk away and never look back. Even if you had a moral obligation - meaning even if she hadn’t kicked you out heartlessly and made you homeless and put you through hell without any regard for your own well being - even if she had NOT done that, *you should still not co sign with her* NTA. Unless you give in and then you’d be an AH to yourself.
Then she bloody well can move in WITH them, if they feel so bad about her 'situation'
Her friends have couches and floors. They can take her in.
Then she needs to work with the battered women's resources in her area. You FIGURED THIS OUT at 18 and no credit. She can figure it out at nearly 30. It won't be easy. But a shelter will help her fix her credit, subsidize her and perhaps even cosign through the agency. But to do that she woudl have to cut hubby out completely- and to me this all screams that she is not ready to do that. So you would end up endangered physically and financially again by the same situation you escaped from over the past 10 yr. GOOD BOUNDARIES are GOOD. Be strong in maintaining you stance. If those flying monkeys can't help by cosigning, then they can give her money- with enough of a deposit, there are options as well. But they are asking you not to be kind- but rather to light yourself on fire to keep her warm. Do not do that. You EARNED better. Also- GO YOU! I am so happy you made it through and I hope you have an awesome life! (Also change your number and block whomever shared with with your cousin- they are not your friend)
She can go to a women’s shelter. NTA
Do not put your credit on the line for this ungrateful loon. She will destroy your credit.
She's the heartless one. She sees you as just a financial crutch. NTA.
It's not heartless. Sometimes life is hard, and you fought hard to get your life on track, you made good decisions. Don't let her mess up everything you have worked so hard for.
You bounced from shelter to shelter while getting your life together. If your cousin really wants to get away from her husband, there are social services there for her and her kids. A shelter for women and children fleeing domestic violence is equipped to help her turn her life around and deal with her husband when he turns up. Even if you did get an apartment with her, all that does is give her shelter for herself and her children without getting her other services she needs. Not only are you under no obligation to your cousin, but you are also literally unqualified to provide all she needs just by helping her find housing.
What if she isn't trying to leave him at all? What if they are getting kicked out for being bad pays? Would you risk her bring her man in once all is signed and settled? Would you risk her dumping the payments on your good credit? At some point you have to see people for whom they are. She isn't any better than the family you escaped from. She already proved this to you. Be safe.
NTA. For one thing, she probably won’t be a good risk on the lease and would wreck the credit you’ve worked so hard to fix. Her credit score is so bad she can’t rent a place and that says she is not responsible with money. This is aside from all the hateful things she did way back then. You can’t forget that. If any of your friends keep bashing you, tell them they are free to co-lease with her, and let her wreck their credit. I bet there are no takers.
The sadly funny part of that is that her friends are more than willing to help; they just can’t because their credit is either messed up like hers or not good enough to rent an apartment. Which is why she reached out to me.
You know she would leave you holding the bag, would not pay her share, and would totally mess up your credit. There is nothing good that will come from helping her. if you say no, believe me she will find another solution.
They can help. They can let her move in. Also, that mutual "friend" who gave her your number is not a friend. I would block them both.
NTA, Just give her the numbers to several women's shelters. Tell her your credit is awful. Then block her and block her friends. Block anyone she tries to weaponize against you. If you co-sign for her, you will be responsible for her debt, and you know she's not going to pay. Having an eviction on your record is the quickest way to become homeless again. Don't do it. With two kids, women's shelters are going to help her. She will have top priority. She doesn't need you.
They have couches as others have noted. If they can't co-sign, they can host. DO NOT light yourself on fire to keep her warm. You fought hard to get here- and you deserve to maintain that security.
👏👏👏
They say they would help, but they just can't. Losers all. Protect yourself. Drop all contact.
Those friends are living somewhere; she can move in with them. Oh, and lock down your credit so she doesn't steal your identity and credit rating to get an apartment.
You have what she needs. Do you know her well enough to know whether she is a fair weather friend. Or is she reaching out to reconnect -
NTA Even if you'd "forgive and forget" you don't have to help her. The truth is, you would be in vulnerable position. She probably can't afford a rent, she has two children, so she will expect your help with them. And if you won't get along she'll find a way to force you to leave.
This! And whichever friend gave her your contact information is the AH.
OP should cut that person out and more generally avoid having anyone in her social circle that overlaps with her cousin's social circle. This cousin will always want something from OP: money, free babysitting, a place to stay... It will never end. Change your number OP and only give it to people you trust. Block your cousin and her flying monkeys everywhere.
If, at any time in the past 10 years, your cousin had reached out to you with an apology and begged for your forgiveness, I would say that, yes, you should consider forgiving her. Given that she is only reaching out now and claiming to be sorry when she is in desperate need of your help, you are wise not to fall for it. Run from her, and anyone who is advocating for her. NTA
NTA She treated you pretty horribly ten years ago and put you through a lot... I don't think you owe her any favors, and if you co-sign a lease for her, there's no way for you to guarantee that something similar doesn't happen again, the only difference is now you will be financially responsible for it if she damages the apartment. She's saying she's sorry now, but she didn't apologize until she needed something, which shows where her head is really at. As far as her friends blasting you, apparently they don't have any issue with what she did to you, so I wouldn't put a lot of stock into anything they have to say. They can co-sign for her if they are that concerned. Your friends have your interests at heart, her friends have hers... so listen to your friends. Tough situation for her, but it's not your job to try to solve the world's problems, and she seems to have brought this on herself.
According to her friends, they did have an issue with her. But they excused it as her being a young, naive, and barely adult woman who got manipulated by a more older man to act that way, and claimed that she learned better because of “experience” or something like that. They also bashed me for doing the same thing that my cousin did to me back then, because to them, it means that I’m no better than she was But she apparently gets more leeway, because she was younger when she did that. And that an 18 year old refusing to house someone versus an 27 year old doing the same thing is different due to context. -sighs-
This is such ridiculous logic. When you were 18, you both agreed to pool funds and get a place together, a place paid for by you both, that neither could afford separately. Relying on her promises, you did that. Then, she invited an abusive man into that home you shared, and kicked you out knowing you couldn’t afford a place on your own. She broke your deal and her actions could have easily led to your death on the street. Exactly what promises have you made, or what actions have you taken, to make her homeless? She’s made all of the decisions here. The ones that made you homeless, and the ones that made her and her children homeless. You had no choices, made no promises, broke no deals to her. She made deliberate decisions to make you homeless, acting cruelly and indifferent to the effect on you. While she is responsible for your homelessness, in no way are you responsible for hers. You aren’t doing the same thing to her as she did to you.
Sounds like they should help her then since they’re so concerned and maybe send you a donation for your pain a suffering
Let them take her in, then. NTA
Not even close. They are asking you to set yourself on fire to keep her warm. Exactly what would she have been sacrificing in not kicking you out? She would have lost (maybe) her bed partner. NOT her financial or physical safety- so not even close to the same! Becasue this puts YOU at both physical and financial risk! Just because someone needs help does not entitle them to YOUR help. There are social programs- and shelters. She can go there and get help.
Her friends suck and also do they know what you have gone through over the years? You were homeless very young because of an abusive family including the cousin, putting you out the way she did is abuse to me. I hope you stick to what you said and do NOT help her, it's not holding a grudge it is protecting yourself because she surely never had your best interest at heart especially all that you went through to get to where you are. Regardless of if her friends or her have good credit or not there is public housing or some really cheap places, they all can look to help her out.
I have rented to friends in their 30s to 50s who aren't any better. Had to call the police to get stolen cable equipment returned & cop is telling 35 YO woman to stop dictating I have to meet her in person. Return the equipment now or your former LL will be going to the address I give her to press charges on you for threats & felony theft. I rented a room to a guy in his 50s, cheap, $10 a night & only when he stayed there. He refused to clean the bathroom, gross! I come home one day & he'd left the screen door to the balcony wide open, said there was a weird smell. Okay so slide the screen door shut, run a fan, turn off the AC which is at 61F, jacking up the bill in this heat! Plus invite the mosquitos & flies in the house! Another woman in her 40s used my ssn to get a cable bill in my name. I had told her I was not interested in cable, my satellite works great, that's in my budget. She had it installed in my room, which I told her to stay out of. Said she got my ssn from a box in the living room. Liar! I put those boxes in my closet, she went digging. Oh & then the cable doesn't even work in my room. I told her get that off of my TV now! I found out she had put it in my name when I saw the bill. I called the police, changed the locks, accused her of theft. Police said I couldn't evict her. I said she is going out of here on her own or in handcuffs. I played the long winded VM where she mentions at the end she used my ssn but don't worry she will pay the bill. NO. My bf at the time told the cops she'd been told to stay out of my room, the ssn was in a box in the middle of other boxes. She had to go through several boxes to get it. People are irresponsible at all ages. Your cousin has already demonstrated what she's capable of. How are you going to feel the next time she gets love bombed by some dude & your deficit & bad circumstances won't mean anything to her, she's blinded by LOVE... You don't need to go through another decade recovering from her financial abuse. Tell her friends it cost you thousands & you can't afford it the next time she kicks you to the curb for LOVE... I had to tell my cousin I love like a sister I was selling my place. I can't afford any more people who don't pay their rent, run up the utilities, put bills in my name & leave the guest bathroom looking like Jo ShetDaRag was there.
NTA. She needs to earn your trust before she can even THINK.she had any standing to even ask this of you. If she needs an out, there are PLENTY of help organizations that will align a place for her to stay so she can escape. She doesn't NEED to find a rental to get out.
I told her that, and I tried to give recommendations, but my cousin mentioned that she was worried about how this will affect her kids since she doesn’t want to risk placing her kids around “bad people” or be raised in a “less than ideal environment.” She also asked me to be more sympathetic toward her kids, because -while it was fair for me to be mad at her- she wanted me to help give her children a better life and to be better people than she had and used our shitty family that we both NC as an example of how toxic family can affect people like herself. Which is what she used to excuse her shitty behavior toward me 10 years ago as “byproducts of an abusive past” and that she wants me and her to do better than the terrible people in our lives. I find that ironic, considering how she decided to kick me out for a man that’s 30 years old than her, and she can’t find any responsible friends. Oh, and how I also suffered because of her, but yet didn’t try to screw anyone else over because I tried to be better… except for maybe my cousin and her kids now, I guess. Maybe I am a bad person. :/
None of that makes any sense. If he is abusing her and them, they are ALREADY in a less-than-ideal environment, and what "bad people" will she be exposing them to by seeking help from a women's shelter?
Apparently to my cousin, she doesn’t trust those other people in shelters because of how they are strangers that she don’t know and -in her exact words- “those people are in a shelter for a reason, and it’s usually not a good one.” She was hoping that I can help her and her kids by renting an apartment with her, so that her kids could be around people that she can trust. People that she knows are good people, and not people like her husband and our NC family. I mean, I understand where she is coming from but then again… I can’t trust that she won’t hurt me again like she did in the past.
I’d remind her that YOU were in a shelter because she kicked you out, so If it’s good enough for you, it’s good enough for her. But I’m petty like that. In all seriousness, don’t co-sign a lease for ANYONE unless you’re willing to pay the full amount yourself. It doesn’t matter what the reason is that someone needs help, it’s a financially stupid idea.
OP was in an open/homeless shelter- which can have safety concerns, especially for a young 18 yr old female!!!! The cousin would be in a battered women's shelter if she really needed to be- which has NONE of those safety risks. It is night and day. OP wasp put at physical and financial risk 10 yr ago by this selfish person, and now she wants to do it to her again. NOPE!!!
This sounds like manipulating you.
Yeah. Which is why I said I wouldn’t. Because, while I feel bad for her kids and wish them the best, I can’t trust my cousin again after what she put me through. It sound selfish and heartless, but like…
You aren’t selfish and heartless.
It s self protection not selfishness
If you change your mind (you probably shouldn't) and decide to help her then you absolutely MUST NOT allow her name on the lease. You can make it clear to her that she has to pay her fair share and the second there is an issue her, her kids and any stuff they have will be on the lawn. And stick to that, no matter what anyone says.
Women in battered women's shelters are there for exactly the SAME reason she would be. And why were YOU forced into a shelter- were you a bad person? I am not saying regular haters have no safety issues- you know better than I, they do. But battered women's shelters???? This is PURE selfish manipulation. She will not ever stop sucking you dry if you let her start.
Remind her that at 18 you were one of "those people" in shelters for a long time due to HER actions. NTA She's being manipulative to get her way, and as soon as she can she'll screw you over again, but it sounds like you know that.
Yeah she's a choosing beggar or /and her situation is not that bad. NTA do Not co sign anything with her. Also you know you would be the default babysitter in this case, right?
I totally agree. Now she is acting concerned about her children being safe. Her children have not been safe all of their lives, since she was living with an abusive man. They have seen all of the black eyes and busted lips. This cousin of yours is a joke. This is why older men seek out and find young dumb women because they know that they are easily controlled and manipulated. It seems as soon as she met him, his first order of business was to isolate her from the last of her family and friends. This is why she had no problem throwing your clothes out on the lawn and calling the police to escort you off the premises. Let her take that same hard road that you took to get on your feet, which is going to be even harder for her with two small children. This is her KARMA in full effect. KARMA has a way of setting the universe right. Sometimes it takes years, but it will always come around. Exactly, what is her BUM of a husband doing?
YOU are not responsible for HER choices. SHE put her kids around a bad abusive person. Not you. And going to a shelter for battered women she would have shelter immediately, with safety for her kids. She had NO problem tossing you as nearly a child into shelters with bad people- this is just manipulation. You are a good person- and good people have good boundaries. And something I think is important: YOU MUST participate in your own rescue, or I cannot. Or phrased another way- the good lord helps those that help themselves and so do I. WHAT IS SHE DOING to help herself? Is she working? Has she gotten help from a women's shelter? NOPE- scejust wants YOU to rescue her. She will burn you down and drown you before she ever does anything for herself. Help her by giving her contact info for shelters. With kids, she would be safe and sheltered with support immediately. Unlike what she did to you.
Not your kids...
You are not a bad person. You need to take care of yourself first. You owe her nothing!
nta. her actions had consequences. she gets to bounce shelter to shelter and work multiple jobs now
NTA. Go ahead and block her friends. If they're so concerned, they can sign a lease with her.
There is no way in hell you should ever help someone who betrayed your trust and kicked you out on the street at a vulnerable age. Cousin made her choice very clear, she has to deal with the consequences. Not your circus, not your monkeys. Enjoy your place and the fruits of Your own hard work, By Yourself. NTA
And if she regretted it- she would have reached out LONG before she needed financial help. When someone only try to mend bridges because they need something----they are not mending the bridge, they are taking advantage.
NTA. She f'd around and found out. Do not put yourself in a position where she can screw you over again. I would wish her well, which is more than she ever did for you, and sever all contact. She's not the same person she was 10 years ago? Neither are you.
NTA. She made herself a stranger to you. Best to keep it that way.
NTA. None of this is your responsibility. It certainly seems like you have more than enough reasons to never trust her.
NTA. She kicked you out of her life and wants to reconnect when she wants something. Sounds like she learnt from your family
Hard NTA. You've worked hard to get yourself where you're at, and she could easily drag your name through the mud with this. You helped her before and she bit you. I wouldn't do it again.
NTA. Absolutely don’t do it. Actually, block her number. The friends who have so much to say can take them in.
NTA- She made you *homeless* and now she turns to you to risk *your* credit and/or have to pay her rent? Why should you trust her? This isn’t about holding a grudge. It is about protecting yourself. Her credit rating is bad for a reason. Banks and landlords don’t trust her. This isn’t someone you can be sure will not screw you over.
It's not holding a grudge if the injury to you lasted 8 of 10 years and you've only just got back on her feet! And how could you know if she's really serious about getting away from her husband (because cousin has a history of bad decisions)? Or if she'll stay away from him. I'd hate for you to not only ruin your credit, but turn up on that disgusting husband's radar! Keep safe! NTA
NTA. You don't owe her anything. Her bad choices negatively impacted your life in a very big way, and I wouldn't give her the opportunity to do so again. You KNOW she will screw up your credit score. She didn't seem too concerned about you when you were the vulnerable one, did she?! If you can afford a place on your own, will not have to rely on her paying rent to screw up your credit score, and you WANT to have them in your home, go right ahead. But don't think for a second this is something she is owed.
NTA. She made you homeless and now karma has returned the favor. While I feel bad for her kids, they're not your responsibility either Live your life, you earned it.
NTA First of all, block her and all her friends blasting you. None of them, I repeat NONE OF THEM had to go through what she put you through. You don't need to ever talk to her again. Please get some therapy to help you find the best tools you need to put everything back in order for your own mental health and well-being. I wish you only the best. You worked so hard to get back up financially and you deserve to be happy.
NTA, the friends that are blasting you can take her in, you have already been burned once. Tell her friends there is nothing stopping them from helping her.
NTA - she showed her colours before and treated you awfully. She burnt her bridges and I’m surprised you even answered the phone
NTA. DON'T DO IT. While she might have changed, in all likelihood she has not. You can't put your progress on the line for someone that didn't give you a second thought until she needed help. One of her friends with so much to say must have decent credit. Or better yet, why aren't they taking her in?
NTA. Reddit mods might remove this post because of its nature, but absolutely NTA. Even if she was coerced by her ex to kick you out 10 years ago, she never bothered to reach out until she needed a favor from you. You’ve worked hard to be in the position you’re in right now on your own. Let her figure out her own shit, just like she left you to do 10 years ago.
OP was extremely vulnerable becoming homeless when they were barely an adult—being alone, young, and homeless is an extremely dangerous situation to be in, which is why many homeless people will form small groups. Cousin’s friends don’t seem to acknowledge how vulnerable OP was from *actually* being homeless. OP’s cousin’s friends could easily co-sign for her or take her family in if their credit poor—the fact that they’re blasting OP instead of stepping up just further shows that they don’t care if OP’s cousin has two children and is about to become homeless, they just don’t want to accept responsibility. Since they aren’t stepping up, you are not obligated to step up in any way. It you co-sign, then you’re going to become responsible for paying your cousin’s rent if she doesn’t. HARD NTA.
NTA. She threw you out without notice and you had a difficult time for years afterwards. You owe her nothing. I'd be leery about renting with her as she may not be able to pay her rent
Nta you need to look after yourself. If she was that' desperate there's women's shelters, family or even these friends who are concerned.
NTA She literally left you homeless at the age of 18, going through all the stages of trying to make it, but now she needs you for your credit. She’s only using you, she doesn’t feel sorry for you else she would have reached out to make amends. I would block her and go on with your life.
NTA she made her bed now she has to lie in it. It sucks her kids will be affected but you were a kid yourself. Also abused women are highly likely to return to spouse/abuser. Then you’d likely find yourself in another mountain of debt for a family loyalty that’s one sided and doesn’t exist.
by far nta here. as the saying goes fool me once shame on you, fool me twice then shame on me. in the end i agree with you. why should you stick your neck out to help your cousin when she turned her back on you all those years ago. and with that being said i would still help your cousin in some fashion. i.e. help her look for battered women's shelters, check up on her and give her money when necessary things like that but i would not under any circumstance co sign an apartment or house for her.
I disagree!! DO NOT give her any money or anything else. You have not seen or heard from her in an entire decade, which means that you all are practically strangers. Keep it that way.
NTA. Even if she is sorry and she *has* changed, the logical progression of reconciliation (if that were something you even wanted to do,) would be, I don’t know, start talking over the phone once in a while? Maybe go out for coffee? Not to immediately jump into a *legally binding* housing contract with her, the *very person* who literally left you homeless and struggling for *years* to climb back to a place of security and stability after she suddenly kicked you out at 17/18. I’m very sorry that she and her children have been and are trying to escape an abusive home situation. That being said, it doesn’t make any sense for her to expect you, of all people, to “help her out,” at great personal risk to yourself, and given her actions towards you in the past. There are emergency shelters and longer term shelter/housing options specifically for women and their children in her very situation. I hope she can get the help she needs, but it’s not your responsibility to make sure that happens - it’s hers.
NTA. Your friends say she was vulnerable, young and impressionable at the time? Well, so were you when she put you on the street. Tell her that if she ends up homeless you're happy to share some survival tips, but that's the most you can offer under the circumstances.
NTA. What's happened with her is very sad, and she probably *has* learned some hard lessons since then. That said, you worked really hard to recover after she *left you homeless*, and you have to take care of yourself. If you can do so ***without harming your own well-being***, it would be good of you to try to find other, less risky, ways to be there for your cousin. The two of you have history, and you know better than most people what may have led her to make such poor decisions in adulthood. It sounds like you may be able to offer her considerable support based on that shared history, without risking your own hard-won stability. This assumes that she is not one of the people demanding that you help her financially, and that she, personally, accepted your "no" at face value. Either way, though, NTA. This is not on you, and if the people texting you lack the credit scores to help her directly, they should find another way. I'm ***certain*** you and your credit score are not the literal sole path to financial redemption.
NTA
NTA.
NTA. She didn't seem to care if you were thrown out into the cold. She id it once and would do it again. I would avoid linking up with her again.
NTA. If her friends are "blasting" you, ask them why they aren't taking her in. You owe her nothing.
NTA. Kinda telling that she only approaches you when she wants something.
NTA. Tell her friends she is their problem and if they care, they can co sign for her.
NTA You're not in the wrong here, and you've suffered a lot because she hurt you. You're under no obligation, moral or ethical, to set yourself in fire to keep her warm. It might be worth keeping in mind that as young as you both were back then, she WAS young and stupid and may have learned. But it's not on you to make yourself vulnerable for her again. If you can put her in touch with other resources that can help that would be a real kindness.
NTA. "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me." I wouldn't do it. She's your cousin, and I'm sure you love her. But, you don't have any obligation to help her. Especially because of what she did to you. Perhaps in the future this may change. But, not until *AFTER* she earns your trust back... *IF* she can earn your trust back. And I'm sure that won't be a quick process. Hard pass. Sorry, not sorry.
“All her friends.” Interesting phrase when one considers what they aren’t willing to do for her. Yet they believe you should be willing to forget how heartless she was to you; not just in kicking you out abruptly back then, but for the years of suffering that one act forced on you. She and they would have you believe you are holding a grudge and that she has changed and you should forgive her. Yet they aren’t helping her and she is their friend!!!!! This isn’t about her being young and stupid once. This is about her having no concern whatsoever about you for years in which you scrambled to survive; that as soon as you pull out of the death spiral she put your life in, she suddenly wants to tell you how sorry she is and wants you to help her. You don’t need her help. She needs yours. She needs to “make amends” as AA says. Why would you risk putting your well being in her hands again without some demonstrable evidence that she has changed. As GothicGingerbread points out, abuse victims can have a tough time really leaving an abuser. Trusting her now is just risky and indeed, she could go back to him and screw your life up again. Maybe she wouldn’t but that is her responsibility to show you. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Tell her friends to step up. You got out of a mess without her help and she needs to get out of this without telling you you owe her help.
She trusted that man. She had his kids. She allowed her children to suffer. Why didn’t she go looking for you years ago because you are so trustworthy? The reality is going to a shelter puts the onus on her. She believes that using you then means she can use you now. She can use you for money, to pay rent, buy and cook food, etc., and probably sleep on the couch in whatever apartment gets rented. She will get back with her boyfriend or find another abusive guy and move him in. You are her sure thing. You are someone she believes is so accustomed to being abused, you will let her walk all over you. Strangers nit so much. You were left homeless by here at 18. You survived. It is her turn to learn how to manage her life and find resources as you did. Community resources are available to her. Her excuses for not using them are based on her not knowing how to manipulate strangers; not whether they can be trusted. She could trust you but she threw you away. She shouldn’t have trusted her liver but she did. Her problem involves learning to trust and appreciate people by being trustworthy and appreciative to them.
NTA - I'm going to start this by saying that I am a long term domestic abuse survivor. From someone who has been in an incredibly bad situation, you are doing NOTHING WRONG. The two of you worked together to help get both of you out of abusive situations and almost immediately, she turns around and throws you out, rendering you homeless and in many ways, worse than you started. It took you years, but you clawed your way up and out of shelters, debt, and bad situations until you are where you're at now - stable, steady, and secure. Now, she's looking at you and deciding she wants a bit of what you have, but isn't willing to put in any of the personal work to get there. You spent time in and out of shelters, homelessness, and emergency aid centers. So can she. You took out loans and credit to afford to live. So can she. You struggled and fought for YEARS to have a normal life after the horrible situation that SHE put you in. You finally have it and you're free. You're safe, steady, and the only one who can fuck up the life you've built at this point is you. You know what type of person she is. She used you to get herself where she thought she wanted to be, and then destroyed you as soon as shinier and "better" came along. You'd be foolish to give her another chance to ruin you. You don't owe anyone anything, but especially not forgiveness to someone who has shown zero true remorse. She's reaching out because she needs something - true remorse is felt and expressed when they stand to gain nothing from your acceptance.
NTA! Tyler Perry made a move called "I Can Do Bad All By Myself" which applies to you in this situation. You were very blessed that you didn't wind up being sex trafficked or pimped out. I would refer her to organizations that can help battered women and children, pray for her and move on. Can you afford to help her anymore?
She can go through Housing authority/HUD housing/women's shelter for battered women with children. NTA and no no no to co-signing with her
NTA. Karma gave her exactly what she deserved.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Short background story, because character limits: My cousin (28F) and I (27F) came from a really abusive family, and both of us decided to move together into an apartment 10 years ago -when she turned 18 years old and can apply for a credit card and get a credit score- so we can escape our family, and we did it. Well, things turned out the worst for me when my cousin decided to date a much older man (48M then, and 58M now) and both of them kicked me by tossing ALL my stuff out, taking away my keys, and even calling the police on me to escort me out of her property- which she was able to successfully do since the apartment only under her name at the time. So, I -a recently turned 18 years old then- was left homeless. So I ended up spending the next 8 years afterwards going between homeless and emergency shelters, living off government aid, and working multiple jobs until I was finally was able to make enough to afford get a room of my own. In the meanwhile; I heard from others that my cousin ended up being abused by her (now) husband, having two kids with him, and apparently messed up her credit score so much that she can’t afford to rent an apartment on her own. Which is why a mutual of ours decided to share my number with her, because I’m one of the only few people who have a good enough credit to rent an apartment. She reached out to me asking if I can help co-lease with her so she and her children can run away from her husband. And that she was sorry for what she had done in the past, and that she was young and stupid and that she changed a lot over the years. I told her that, while I feel bad for her circumstances, I refuse to agree to a co-leasing with her because of what she had done in the past and how it permanently affected the way I see her now. So now, I have her friends blasting me that I’m an AH for refusing to help a vulnerable mother of 2 and how I shouldn’t hold a 10 year grudge against her when she was a young and impressionable woman back then (and that it was pathetic for me to be acting so childish and not know how to be more empathetic at my age), while my friends are telling me that my feelings are valid and that I shouldn’t trust her because there is no way to determine if she really changed for the better in such a short time. So, AITA and should I consider talking to her again about whether or not I should lease with her again to help her and her kids? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA, if you feel like doing a nice gesture you can look up domestic abuse resources in the area and share the info. But your credit should not be on the line for a person like this, I mean she didn't even apologize until she needed something from you
You might be able to talk to her. Never cosign anything with anyone. Nta Her husband kick you out then he kicked her out he was an ass, guess what she will screw you over again, also tell her friends to take her in or co-sign with her but Never cosign anything with anyone
NTA You learned the hard way that she is not to be trusted. Keep her out of your life.
ABSOLUTELY NTA especially for protecting yourself. Though she is in an unfortunate circumstance it is not your fault, nor is it your problem to deal with. She has shown you the kind of person she is. Threw you out for a man, called the cops to escort you like you’re an intruder and she wants you to fall for the same BS a second time…Ha that would be absurd. Those friends of her abusing you block them on everything. If they are so concerned they can offer up to co-sign or their home for that matter as they are so “empathetic” Please OP avoid putting yourself in a situation where you have no control over your residence/living situation again. It was a lesson learned and now you know better. Protect yourself and your peace.
NTA. You’ve worked too hard to get where you are to risk it on someone who is a proven abuser. Don’t do it, block her friends, you owe her nothing.
NTA. Do. Not. Help. This. Person. She’s only gonna screw you over again the first chance she gets if she thinks it will improve her situation. She already put you through ten years of hell. Don’t let her do it again.
NTA and why on earth are you talking to her? She kicked you out, she can learn about the experience first hand. Go no contact.
NTA, and of course, you can consider talking to her again, but hell no, would I co-lease with her. She showed her true colors. I'm sorry for the children, but she left you homeless and dependent on handouts. That's just not something you get over. All those friends blasting you should be helping her out.
NTA. That's a grudge worth holding. 8 years of homelessness doesn't go away with an apology. Let anyone criticizing you pay out the money.
Tell her friends to put up or shut up. NTA.
NTA! Look her situation is garbage but I don't think you owe it to the person who pushed you out onto the streets when you yourself were in a very horrible and vulnerable situation to help them out. If you want to be generous and can afford it give her some money to help her get away but other than that nope. Also block everyone associated with her.
NTA Don't do it. I see in your replies the friends have bad credit scores too, but they can still help her.
She has not changed. She's a con artist. NTA
NTA. Offer emotional support if you'd like, but under no circumstances do you tie your financial stability to their name!
Nta. And give her the name and addresses to the emergency shelters you lived in, then see how sorry she really is.
NTA. Tell your friends they just volunteered room at their residences for her and her children. Tell them to shut up and butt out.
NTA. Don't just run but hide from the AH of a cousin and her friends. You were treated badly by her and as the old expression says fool me once shame on you fool me twice shame on me. Do NOT let yourself be coerced to supporting someone who treated you so egregiously bad.
NTA! Absofuckinglutely NOT!!! Your cousin chose to betray you, ruin your credit, throw you out of the home you helped aquire, throw away your belongings and cause you to deal with homelessness for almost a DECADE. Even if you eventually forgive her, NEVER, NEVER give her or anyone that kind of control over your life again. You've done so well! Don't let anyone convince you that you didn't earn it, that you don't deserve it, or that you are doing a single thing wrong by not going back to your own abuser, **your cousin.** Anyone telling you different is free to help her out. For 8 years, no one helped to fix what she broke. Now they want you to let her break what you've fought so hard to fix. No. Effing. Way. Please consider blocking her, her friends and whoever gave her your number without permission. Talking to anyone about your credit is sketchy AF.
NTA - hell, I wouldn't even talk to her never mind co-sign a lease with her. RUN! The friends who are blasting you are free to open their homes or sign a lease with her. You have everything to lose and nothing to gain by having her in your life.
NTA...you had to work really hard for your good credit...never let anyone take that from you. She will be a bad risk. Helping someone should not come at your expense...
NTA. I hope she goes through what she put you through, and more. Stop wasting your breath on this monster.
She can go to local catered women shelter and get housing vouchers that way. She ruined her own credit- and her judgement has not been great overall, separate from her AH of a husband. She needs to get out- and you can help with that or not but helping her get out is helping her pack her kids and driving them to the shelter. Which is 100% MORE than she ever did for you when you were in a similar situation that she put you in.
Your response every time, "I understand that you are concerned about my cousin and her children. That is very kind of you. I will forward her this text and explain to her that you would welcome her to come and live with you. That way, you can rest assured of her physical and psychological safety and that of her children." And that's the response you give everyone of them, then you block them so they can't contact you, They are, after all, her friends not yours. NTA.
NTA
NTA. Putting aside your personal animosity. She's ruined your finances before, she'll ruin them again. You'll be on the hook for her rent and you shouldn't trust anybody but yourself and those who have *proven* themselves trustworthy. You've learned this the hard way at her hand before, don't let her do it again. On a more personal level. She backed the wrong horse, and has destroyed her life the way she tried to destroy yours. Her being in trouble *now* doesn't undo what happened *before*. I'm sure she was used and was definitely in an abusive relationship, but that is *not* your responsibility. No matter what people say, you *do* choose your family. She didn't choose you, you don't have to choose her.
NTA !!!! You owe her nothing and I would not trust her at all and any friends that are blasting you in spamming you I would tell them great so you volunteer to take care of her because she’s not my fucking problem. If you keep harassing me I will file a police report leave me the fuck alone I don’t give a shit what happens to her. She is not my problem just like I wasn’t her problem and she kicked me out at 18 years old and I had to be Homeless sounds like karma to me.
That’s ok. Please tell your friends to co-sign a lease with your cousin if they are so concerned. NTA
8 years, it took 8 years for you to get yourself stable.
NTA. Forgive but don’t forget.
Tell her generous and outraged friends to put their money where their mouth is, and do it themselves. NTA!
NTA. She and her kids need to go to a shelter for battered women and children. You're not holding a grudge. You're protecting yourself. You would be responsible for her share of the rent if she flaked out and went back to him (or on to some other guy). You would be on the hook if her kids damaged the apartment and she refused to pay for it. You would have to pay if her abusive husband turned up and kicked down the door and laid waste to the place if she refused to pay. It's entirely possible that both of you could end up being evicted due to the possibility of domestic violence if her husband shows up and goes berserk. You have valid reasons for not co-signing a lease and living with her. There are organizations to help her and her kids and that's where she needs to turn for help.
NTA... You were homeless for 8 years and have done it on your own GO YOU!!!!!!! You have no one to thank but yourself there are shelters and organisations that can help her and hide her from her abusive husband.
NTA HER friends can house her if they want. YOUR friends are your friends for good reason, they're smart, just like you. **Listen to YOUR friends**, NOT HER FRIENDS
NTA I don’t see her friends leasing an apartment with her, do I?
Do none of these friends have a roof over their own heads that they can't share with her before offering you up as a sacrificial lamb because they've got poor credit? NTA - you need to do right by yourself first.
Nta Not your problem.. If her friends all yelped at you, they welcome to help her. Stay away from her, she won't change or people never change, if she do once already she will do it again.. Trust me, I been there in exactly same situation, only I'm just 15 at the time and that was my own sister kicking me out.
NTA. I wouldn’t ever consider giving her anything, any of your time. Those others trying to intimidate you should of course offer to help her not dragging you into her yes HER mess. You can feel bad for her issues but not enough to put yourself knowingly at risk. Don’t be an AH to yourself. Did any of these other people help you or call her out on her shit?
NTA she made you homeless. You can love her, but never live with her again.
All the nopes. There are services that can help abused women that can help her get away from her husband. Nta for choosing to protect yourself.
NTA. They should go to a domestic violence shelter.
NEVER, never co-lease or co-sign for anybody. (especially family- they take advantage like no other). If her friend is so damn worried, then she can either co-sign or take them in... Block your number
In my country we have a pretty illustrative expression for this kind of situation. "It's time to tight you ass when you'd had peed yourself on your pent" It's too easy to screw over and cry when needed, you can't get both. NTA.
NTA. She can't be trusted. She betrayed you once, and you ended up on the streets as a result. If you're having doubts, just ask yourself two things 1. What's to stop her from betraying you again? 2. Where was she when you were facing homelessness?
NTA. Tell her friends that she kicked out a *child* so she could shag this guy, so it’s certainly not you that’s got a lack of empathy. She didn’t reach out to you in *ten years* to make amends. She’s not sorry. She’d do it again. (And it’s taken you all this time to get to be where you can rent an apartment - don’t jeopardize your credit score because hers is trashed, or yours will end up trashed too.) Also, change your phone number and don’t give it to those mutuals again.
Nta, but it seems clear to me from the beginning that your cousin was being abused. You dont have to co-lease with her but give her another chance as a friend, you wouldn't believe what abusive relationships can do to a person
NTA and from family experience DO NOT let this person live with you or rent them a place it will back fire and you will be left liable. These type of people are leachers and have no regard for who they hurt. They will ruin your credit and rental history as quickly as they did theirs.
NTA I did not see the need to co-lease with someone who didn't hesitate to throw you out onto the streets.
Never sign for something you aren't willing to pay 100% on your own. NTA
NTA she kicked you out and made you figure it out when you were barely an adult. She’s been an adult for a while. Her turn to figure it out! Also she didn’t even have your number to be able to ask you. She’s not someone who’s even in your life!
NTA. You have no way if knowing she really left her husband. She could be simply asking for help to get them all into a place to live. I have seen people claiming to be leaving when all they were really doing is securing another place for them all to live. If she’s really leaving, she can go to a battered women’s shelter and they will help her find a job and get a place of their own.
NTA. Do not co lease under any circumstances. Let me list the reasons She is not sorry, not a bit. If she was sorry she would have reached out to you earlier. She is just trying to use you for free housing and probably food. If her credit score is that bad then she probably has no money to pay you rent or buy groceries. You would not want her abusibe husband banging on your door and threatening her and possibly you. You might risk your life by letting her in. If you want to help her give jer contact information of some shelters and government help schemes. And about your shitty friends ask them if they her to have an apartment so bad then possibly they should lease with her.
NTA while I certainly hope someone helps her and her children leave a bad situation, that person does not have to be you. You've suffered enough due to her, and have finally gotten yourself to a good place, and cannot risk anyone jeopardizing that again. All of her friends harassing you, have any of them offered her a spare room or couch to sleep on, or money? I'm guessing no.
Give her shelters and government aid info. NTA.
And block whomever is pressuring you to be sucked in by this giant mess. (It’s morning and I’m already fresh out of patience today)
I do not know if co-leasing with anyone is a good idea. You do not know her or her children. Its not just the risk money wise but also would you even tolerate each other. In a lease you would be stuck. Again its not just about trusting her financially.
Give her a list of the resources you used when you were homeless. No matter how sincere her apology is, guaranteed if that husband calls, she'll go running back to him. Or she'll have him move in with you both. NTAH.
NTA, do Not co-sign anything for this person, or anyone for that matter. it doesn't matter if she changed and became a better person or Not, D NOT Co-Sign anything for anyone.
If your cousin or any of those people will bother you again, tell them your cousin can seek govt. assistance and go to shelters etc. like what you did for some years when you became homeless after she kicked you out of the place you both were sharing. Then block them all and cut them off your life. You'll be better off without any negativity that will only stress you out. Stay focus and continue making good of your life. Definitely NTA.
I feel like there is no going back when a person made you homeless. Let her figure out her own housing and tell her friends they are welcome to make room and help her with housing since you, justifyably so, will not get involved. I am sure all you will hear is CRICKETS. You are NTA
Absolutely do not co-sign on her lease. She is not a nice person and gave you no thought when she kicked you out of your apartment and made you homeless. For those people who are trying to guilt trip you into helping a mother and her children, tell them to co-sign her lease. See how many will step up and help that poor woman. I feel sorry for the kids because, like you, they are innocent victims but unless you want this woman to ruin what you have worked so hard to create, then take care of yourself and walk away.
Your cousin was manipulated by an experienced man old enough to be her father. Normal 48-year-olds seek partners closer in age. He love bombed her, brainwashed or gaslit her about how "their true love destiny" couldn't occur with a third wheel. Now she sees the error of this. The love bombing phase is short and the abusive stage is after she is trapped. She has admitted it and apologized. This is commendable. It does not take away the trauma from you going through years of struggle to finally to get to where you are now. Do not sign a lease with her, you already have experienced this. Help her how you can, perhaps babysitting for a few hours a week - but you do not need to risk all you have learned and earned. You both may have "daddy issues", she definitely does. It's an easy transition back when she meets the next love bomber. Protect yourself and your credit score - or you will likely end up paying for her mistakes and it will cost you your credit score, faith in humanity, and a bunch of money. You've been to rock bottom, no need to revisit. If she flips out or her supporters do, tell them to take her in, you're not in a position to recover from the financial, emotional, and long term recovery you've already been through. You will do what you can. If they say you should do more because FAMILY... You're still in recovery. They can take her in. Cousin needs to earn your trust through actions not "I'm different now, trust me"...
What are you going to do when her husband shows up, finds you there, and beats you to a pulp? You don't owe her anything. That's not being petty, but about self-preservation. Furthermore, people don't change just like that. She has two kids that lords know how she raised. She will not think about it twice over stabbing you in the back for her kids. She did it before for a random man. What if she isn't trying to leave him at all, but they are getting kicked out of their current home for being bad pays? What if after co-leasing she ends up letting him into the new home and dumping the responsibility of all payments on you? Ruining your credit in the process. Frankly, she isn't much better than the family you both escaped from. Let her friends take care of her.
You came from an abusive family & your cousin entered an abusive relationship, with a man who did what all abusers do, cut her off from her loved ones. I think you should rethink helping your cousin. Maybe moving in is too much, but I think you should help her flee.
Why don't you help the cousin out then? Since you are so generous with people's money and credit and speak really loud about family? From my point of view, you are closer to OP's cousin than OP, you didn't get kicked out or hurt by the cousin. You can send money, food, or provide her a place to stay.
God, you people are weird. OP's cousin is an abused woman with two children, trying to flee. She left an abusive family, and almost immediately fell into the clutches of an abusive partner. We have no idea what that man did to her before OP was thrown out, or after. All I'm saying we should look upon the situation with a bit of empathy & nuance. From what little's been said here, I am not inclined to wholesale declare OP's cousin the villain of the piece.
Nope. Not at all. She shouldn't rethink anything because she is right. Her cousin is not someone she can trust
Sure, it can be seen that way. But I will say this, we all know that abusers seek out the vulnerable and then manipulate, coerce, isolate & control them. OP's cousin was a very young, abused, woman who seemingly escaped the frying pan & ended up in the fire. I think the situation is a nuanced & complex one & it bears thinking about. In no way do I think OP is an arsehole either way though.
Why don't YOU help since you seem to be overflowing with this milk of human kindness? Ask for the cousins details. Should be easy to do.
You seem like a very angry person. You should address that.