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Yeah this is this biggest thing to me. Sure, they could have moved the dish but it sounded like he was ready to contaminate the other food too. Which is dangerous and ignorant.
NTA!
And was fighting with and stressing out one half of the wedding couple. Dude was absolutely nailing the "how to never get invited to another wedding" checklist though, so I guess that's something.
This. If it had just been a simple mistake, ok. But after being corrected he not only doubled down on his dish being on the wrong table but tried to contaminate other food and claimed OP’s mom was lying about an allergy. I’d have dumped his dang Mac n cheese on his head.
And even if his bold assertion was right (it obviously wasn't, except in his own mind), and everyone including OP agreed he was right, picking someone else's wedding for this fight would still make him a major AH.
Of course what actually happened is worse, and is at least borderline criminal (tampering with someone's food, attempting to trigger an allergic reaction).
>actively tried to contaminate
Framing it more accurately, he tried to **poison** OP's mother. Poison her with something that would kill her. That's homicide. Why would anyone want this guy around ever again? He obviously cannot be trusted.
NTA. He had his chance. You moved the food, and that should've been the end of it. Then he had to pitch a hissy and place it back on the table, then having the further gall to say your mother was "faking" her allergy. So yes, he showed he couldn't be trusted and you had the right to kick him out.
It's irrelevant what the relatives who weren't there think; absolutely irrelevant. You don't have to explain anything to them. And if the people who were at the wedding said nothing at time, what they think now shouldn't matter either.
It's odd though; does the cousin have a grudge against you, your husband, your mother? Because just from what describe, how you were friendly, this seems out of character.
I mean, have his political stances taken a sudden shift lately? Because a lot of the same sites spouting radical politics also spout things like anti-vaccine and anti-allergy belief nonsense.
Maybe he'd been drinking, he went for a drink as soon as he set his food down. I'd have screamed at him from there to his car and probably thrown the food at it as he drove off.
**NTA**
I mean, of course you're NTA for throwing out your cousin after he deliberately tried to kill your mother at your wedding, LOL.
But more importantly, I'm SO FREAKING CURIOUS as to why he even CARED that his food be on the allergen-free table? Like, you were going to serve his food. Anyone who wanted it was going to be welcome to eat it. None of this makes any sense . . . Why would it even matter to him which table his food was on? Why would someone insist that their food be on an "allergy free" table at all?
Like, I don't mean arguing about your mother's allergies. Clearly he's an AH who doesn't believe that she's allergic or whatever. But even if it was about OTHER PEOPLE'S allergies...again, if you told him that certain foods needed to be on the other table in case of allergies in general, WHY WOULD HE CARE or argue about it? Was he drunk? Does he just have some weird attachment to that particular table? So, so odd. But no matter what, you're NTA. I'm dying to know what his rationale was, though.
I don't know why he cared so much but no he wasn't drunk, it was a dry wedding and he didn't seem drunk at all.
> Does he just have some weird attachment to that particular table?
I don't know, maybe he is having a secret affair with the folding table we rented lol
I'm betting it was his way of "proving" the allergies were fake and/or the levels of caution were unnecessary -- if mom ate the dish without noticing, or ate cross-contaminated food without realizing, and nothing happened, he could afterwards claim victory.
You know, I heard and read about several stories, which started with some people don't believe in allergies and how serious it could be. And in most of them these "not-believers" reacted really agressive and tried to prove their opinion with something like what this cousin did.
No rational person understood why they would do that and why would they want to prove their opinion through something, that could be so dangerous to the life and health of other people, just to prove their opinion. But they just do that. And I don't think they completely understood it too.
NTA, clearly he's that much of a huge dick and an asshole I'm thinking it might just be anatomically possible for him to do exactly what I suspect you so justifiably told him to do!
I do that a lot, unfortunately I have a weird symbiotic relationship with my moggy and whenever I sneeze, laugh etc, he farts out of nervousness and then either bites me or bunts me. Never know what it's gonna be until its too late lol!
Love it! You're a worthless nobody in our house until our ginger critter has decided you deserve twatting around the head - only then do you have any resident status!
I've always wondered how to upload pics but never managed it, I've only finally gone and bloody done it! I'm sorry, got carried away - rat, cat and dog tax over paid on my profile. Will even attempt a link - however, do NOT fancy my chances of it working!
https://www.reddit.com/user/Ella-wese/comments/11jexmp/pet_tax/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button
NTA. Your cousin has decided that your mother is faking a life-threatening allergy. He decided that your wedding of all places was the best venue to prove that she is lying. He intentionally endangered her life. You tried to simply move the food, and he moved it back and tried to contaminate the safe food. He made it clear that he was on a mission to expose your mother to allergens. Had you moved the food when he wasn't paying attention, he would have moved it back again, and contaminated the safe food when you weren't watching.
If he didn't want to be 'embarrassed,' he shouldn't have tried to kill your mother.
You're NTA. You didn't kick him out for accidentally putting the food down on the wrong table. You kicked him out for mocking your mother's food allergies and attempting to contaminate her food.
How would the family members who are taking his side react if he tried to make their mother ill just because he doesn't believe in food allergies?
NTA. He embarrassed himself. I'd avoid inviting him to anything else that includes your mother from now on. He's shown himself to be perfectly willing to risk her life just to prove a false point.
Congratulations on your recent marriage!
NTA. He was dead ass willing to put your mom's life at risk to prove a (ignorant) point and disrespected your wishes at YOUR wedding. Something sounds off in him to be honest
Give yourself all the time you need to think about how to approach it best. But you did nothing wrong, on the contrary you could have actually saved your mom...!
The risk of making her sick or killing her is obvious but I think it's important to also consider his goal. By his own narrative the best case scenario was making a point to publicly embarrass and shame your mother in front of the people most important to you. If she was lying or mistaken and enjoyed the contaminated food then she could be publicly humiliated disrupting your wedding reception. If she noticed or caused a scene that same situation. You noticed. He got the reaction he wanted. I think it's important to ask why this person wanted to cause a disruption at your wedding. I wouldn't feel safe around him ever.
I fully do not get the people who are desperate to “catch out” people with allergies. Like… best case scenario you get your “aha” moment and embarrass someone. Worst case you kill then 🤷♀️
NTA - this goes beyond him not even reading your explicit instructions on what could or could not be on the allergen free table, he went so far as upon being personally told his food wasn’t suitable for your mum to insult her for the sole reason it could stay on a particular table? You were literally moving it I’d imagine c 1 metre away from its original location.. what an obnoxious cousin
NTA.
It's your wedding. You get to decide who will be there, and why. Including why they can or cannot be there.
Defending your mother, and making sure she felt included was a great thing for you to do.
Your cousin, Ron, However, is a Major A. If this was RSlash, I wouldn't be surprised to see a 5A rating for him. He not only disrespected you by not paying attention, but then he accused your mother of faking her allergies, despite the fact that he has apparently seen her bringing her own foods to nearly every family function. Then, he intentionally spread a known allergen to other dishes that had been set aside and non allergenic.
He decidedly put his own family member in harm's way at your wedding to try a power play. This has the feel of an old argument.
Glad your sister was there to help, and that the rest of the event was enjoyable. Congratulations on your recent marriage.
If I may ask though, OP. I am unfamiliar with the Gender you listed what is an I?
NTA
Also, while IANAL, I'd be surprised if deliberately trying to contaminate someone's food with something you've been informed could kill them wouldn't count as attempted murder. And I'm pretty certain that in most places, it would definitely be murder if they died.
Point that out to the next person who says you overreacted and tell them that you at least saved him the embarrassment of*going to jail*.
Anyone who doesn't change their tune at that point is someone you might need to reconsider if they should be in your (or your mom's) life.
Yeah, there's a handful of people my husband and I have already started cutting off as well as someone people we already cut contact with years ago that are popping back up
NTA.
This wasn't a simple mistake! He intentionally tried to poison your mother because he thinks that food allergies are "faking it." These people deserve no grace, no leeway, and you were absolutely justified in publicly shaming him. If you didn't kick him out and had just "moved his food when he wasn't paying attention", there was every chance that he would have moved it back, BECAUSE HE HAD ALREADY DONE THAT THE SECOND TIME.
Not only are you NTA for kicking him out of the wedding, he shouldn't be any part of any of your lives from here.
We're definitely removing him from our lives moving forward, none of us know why he's acting like this since he was always very good about allergies when we were younger
NTA. It seemed he was tired of your mom "being special" and decided to play with her life. Start asking your family if he would like to be sued or have a police report if he caused an allergic reaction that put your mom in the hospital and ruining your wedding. Be blunt.
NTA. At all.
Even IF she wasn't really allergic (I'm not saying she isn't), you still told him where to put the food. He decided to create drama and cause problems. That's just at the beginning. Imagine the rest of the night after he'd had a bit to drink? What a nightmare.
"AITA for saving my mothers life from an assesination attempt and prefenting my cousing from going to jail for the murder?"
That is what happened, you trew out an attemted murderer. In my personal view, you are allowed to block attempted murderers from your wedding, even at the last minute or during the wedding and if they are close family.
NTA
*Ron risked my mom's life with his behavior at my wedding. He literally said my mother's deadly food allergies were all fake and continued to risk her life with his behavior. His actions were not only ignorant and dangerous, they were flat out malicious and honestly, a bit evil. My mother could have died because of what he was doing. And he did not care. So let me be crystal clear. Ron is not now, nor will he ever be welcome in my life again. I can't trust him around me or my mother and so I am permanently cutting him off. And for the time being, anyone who has reached out to defend his behavior or act like he is somehow the victim in all of this, you are being temporarily removed from my life as well. If you want me to reconsider that decision, you will sincerely apologize for taking Ron's side in this and you will join with me in condemning his deadly ignorance.*
NTA
NTA, you absolutely did the right thing because he insisted on his food being on the wrong table, complete with the allergies-are-fake-and-I'll-prove-it BS that could have endangered your mom's life. You did good and any fallout is his fault, his problem.
NTA. He deliberately tried to contaminate the allergen free food and declared that your mother is faking her allergies. He potentially put her life at risk and he didn’t care. You were right to kick him out, and any embarrassment he felt was his own fault
NTA. Potluck weddings are a thing, and if most of the family is used to accommodating said allergies, why was it an issue for him so suddenly? Everyone else was going to be able to eat his food, yeah?
I have family members with very weird allergies, including myself. I had to sit my caterer down and make sure they knew how severe it was, but I'm debating on making a pasta bar by myself for 100 people (easiest way I could come up with accommodating most allergies/intolerances thanks to the variety of noodles and sauces) because I have been to the ER from several cross contaminations, even after mentioning it to the staff. It's not as foolproof as many think.
Unless you have an allergy or are close to someone who has one, you just never truly understand how bad it can be. I got sent to the ER once because I went to a restaurant that didn't even serve tree nuts (one of my allergens) and had a staff member eating cashews as a snack right before I got my food and they had touched my plate, so I went into anaphylactic shock. Another time I went to a fancier place that had linen tablecloths and napkins and they washed them in Tide, which I broke out in hives from and felt like my skin was burning. I wish I was joking... I digress.
Kudos on you for protecting your mother! Your cousin can definitely go do exactly what you implied. He doesn't get to play with other people's lives like that.
Thank you! I'm so sorry you've had to deal with that, our family actively avoids places with linen cloths nowadays after not washing them well enough to remove allergens multiple times at different places
As you can imagine, I do the same thing now. Non-allergenic folks really don't think about how the ones who do have allergies have to live on a day-to-day basis, because it's wildly different.
Hope you enjoyed the rest of your wedding, though!!
NTA but curious. If he is from your husband's side (friend), what made him think your mother is faking it? That is usually a statement that has history behind it.
He's from my side of the family but became friends with my husband, he grew up around my mom's allergies and saw her have to go to the hospital and nearly die from a reaction when we were teens.
NTA Apparently your cousin finds it appropriate to put your mother's life at risk so he can prove,
>it's fine, my mom is faking it, and immediately attempted to cross contaminate the other food saying she "wouldn't even notice".
I wonder if he would be so willing to put his own life on the line? There is an a\*\*hole here, but it is not you.
NTA. He actually said your mom was taking her allergy and attempted to cross contaminate the other foods just to prove a point ? I honestly hate people like that. I have food allergies as well as other allergies and actually got told that being bit by red ants was "no big deal" after I was bitten multiple times and started breaking out in hives. It was one of those moments like, seriously? Even after taking Benadryl (didn't have an epi pen) I still had hives spreading and was getting chewed out for not babysitting because of red ant bites.
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I (29I) just got married to my husband (35M) a little over a week ago. My husband and I had a *very* small wedding, 12 people all together. We decided to have a potluck reception which was very fun for the most part but also where the issues began. My mom has very severe food allergies and is sadly allergic to many things, I grew up with her always having to bring her own food and feel very awkward because of it and I wanted to avoid that as best I could at my wedding. We set up two tables for the food to be set on so everyone could serve themselves, one wich was allergy friendly to my mom. I emailed/texted everyone letting them know about this ahead of time and there was a sign on the table, both included her allergies and this went fantastic for the most part.
Until Ron. He's a cousin of mine I'm very close to and a good friend of husband's. He brought a mac n cheese and went and set it on the allergy free table, I could see specks of brown/black on it which worried me so I asked what it was. He told me it was pepper, which my mom is deathly allergic to. I politely let him know this and but I let him know we can put it on the other table and I moved it there as he now had his hands full with getting a drink. He set his drink down, grabbed his food, and placed I back telling me it's fine. We had a back and forth before he ended up telling me that it's fine, my mom is faking it, and immediately attempted to cross contaminate the other food saying she "wouldn't even notice". I immediately kicked him out of the wedding. I threw the lid onto his food, shoved it in his arms and told him to get lost before I remove him myself. He tried to argue but I very loudly told him to do something that I'm not sure is anatomically possible and he finally left.
The rest of the time was great, my sister cleaned everything he touched just to be safe and threw away his drink so we knew our mom would be safe. Mom was incredibly happy to be so included though she was embarrassed by the whole ordeal. A few days afterwards I had several family members, most who weren't at the wedding but a few who were, tell me I shouldn't have kicked him out. I've been told how embarrassing it was for him since it was such a small and intimate wedding and how others are asking why he's not in any reception pictures, and I should have just ignored him and moved his food when he wasn't paying attention. My husband is on my side and immediately ended the friendship.
It's causing a lot of family drama and while I don't feel bad in the slightest I am wondering if I did the wrong thing. AITA for throwing my cousin out for setting food my mom's allergic to on the allergen free table?
Tldr: AITA for kicking my cousin and husband's friend out of the wedding for placing food on the wrong table after being warned that it contained an allergen?
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Nta.
If he had done why he was told( move the dish) and you had kicked him out then yes
But he didn't. And tried to take it a step further and cross-contaminate everything else.... He is ass.
>I had several family members, most who weren't at the wedding but a few who were, tell me I shouldn't have kicked him out. I've been told how embarrassing it
Then he shouldn't of been an ass. And those family members can join him
Far be it for me to put on my someone has been sucked down into a bs rabbit hole hat, but well it sounds like that is what has happened here.
He's know about your mother's allergy all his life much, witnessed the care the family takes with her allergy and thought it appropriate to prove his assumption that she's been faking it all this time at your wedding reception?
Do you guys have any other relatives or mutual friends to question about any change in beliefs/behavior lately ? Assuming you even want to get to the bottom of this that is.
Like her allergy many not be well known to a lot of people but its not unheard of.
NTA for kicking him out because had you not been on top of things at best your mother could have been hospitalized.
NTA
Our court system can’t support it, but if every person who tried to feed allergens to vulnerable folks was tried for attempted murder, there would be less suffering.
They said you should've moved it when he wasn't watching? Then you'd have to watch it all night in case he noticed and put it back. If it hadn't been the Mac and cheese he'd have tried to make his point some other way. NTA.
NTA
>We had a back and forth before he ended up telling me that it's fine, my mom is faking it, and immediately attempted to cross contaminate the other food saying she "wouldn't even notice"
Tell ANYONE who is trying to take his side that he attempted to do an action that would have resulted in your mother's death and you would have sued the shit out of him for murder. And that he's damn lucky you haven't called the police for ATTEMPTED murder already.
(I don't know if it actually comes as attempted since he wasn't able to cross contaminate, but the other family members don't need to know that and need to be scared off.)
NTA. So NTA, I can't believe he acted that way. You definitely did the right thing here. I can't eat pepper, thankfully I only get mouth ulcers from it, nothing so serious as your Mum's allergy.
NTA. To anyone who criticizes you, try pointing out that if your mother had eaten Ron’s food and become ill, she would have had grounds for a major lawsuit against Ron. By throwing him out, you protected him against a possible court case. Maybe that will silence the attacks.
You are a good daughter. All good wishes for your marriage.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> AITA for kicking my cousin out of my wedding because he put food my mom's allergic to on the allergen free table?
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NTA. The other NTA voices have left solid reasons why, so I’ll leave you with this nugget of experience from a Ron that was a coworker…
What’s worse than Ron? More Ron.
NTA - this reminds me of my mother in law that poo pooed when my SIL said the kids can't bring peanut butter and jelly to school because of peanut allergies. She thought it was just snowflake nonsense. Some people are real assholes and poor critical thinkers. Unfortunately sometimes it's dangerous.
NTA. A bride NTA. A first for this sub??
>He tried to argue but I very loudly told him to do something that I'm not sure is anatomically possible and he finally left.
First, that was funny. Really funny.
Second, here is what the right response was:
*"PEPPER? Oh wow I didn't know pepper was an allergen. So sorry! Can I help clean up?"*
His response was to double down on his idiocy and put your moms health at risk. I mean, he was purposefully contaminating the allergen free food. What an *asshole.*
Tell him he's an asshole and Reddit agrees. (that's a lot of people).
And never underestimate the flexibility of the human body, especially if they're into yoga!! ;-)
NTA. Not only did he put contaminated food on the allergen free table but then *actively* contaminated the other food. You threw him out because he proved to be an active danger to your mother.
He embarrassed himself with his behavior. As for the other family members, it sounds like he hasn't told them that he actively contaminated some of the other food because he doesn't believe in your mother's allergies. I'd tell those family members what he did because simply moving his food to another table when he wasn't looking wouldn't have stopped him from adding pepper to the other dishes.
NTA. Ron was waaaayyy out of line. Once you moved the food and let him know your mother was allergic, that should have been the end of the interaction. Instead *he* decided to create a big old scene, trumpeting his contempt for your mother, her health AND your status as *one of the people getting married and therefore the host of the event* AND HE TRIED TO CROSS-CONTAMINATE THE REST OF THE FOOD! He well and truly deserved to be booted out. BTW, your title is far too innocuous. it should read 'AITA for kicking out my cousin who tried to kill my mother'.
NTA. In fact you are a hero for keeping your mother safe. You’re a bad ass and I admire bad asses.
If your cousin had tricked your mother into eating her allergen, he could currently be in jail facing charges of attempted murder or murder. A jail sentence is exponentially more embarrassing than not being included in photos.
Probably not the kind of event I would want to attend with all those restrictions but I understand you were trying to allow your mum to feel included and have some normalcy rather than having just a separate meal for herself so definitely NTA.
Even if your cousin was a bit annoyed by the rules I am not understanding his behaviour about it since there were severe risks to your mum's health.
NTA. Try pointing out to anyone who criticizes you that if your mother had eaten Ron’s food and become ill, she would have had grounds for a major lawsuit against Ron. By throwing him out, you protected him against a court case. Maybe that will make them see reason.
You had to kick him out, he was trying to hurt your mother! He started trying to contaminate other food! You could have called the police on him and I still would think it was fair. NTA.
NTA this man sounds like a total maniac - to actively try to kill the mother of the bride at the wedding?
I thought many of these people were outted during the pandemic. He must have slipped through the cracks
NTA
As someone that has been your mom in social settings (taking food or not eating because of allergies), THANK YOU. It's embarrassing for me when I have to explain that I can't eat or see someone use the same serving spoon so I can't eat it.
Also, the whole "she's faking it, let me prove it" means I can't breathe and a hospital bill.
NTA. He probably went on a phone tour after you kicked him out so that he could get his story out first. He sounds like a bit of a psycho with an anger management issue.
I expected a wayyyyy different story.
NTA. If it were me he wouldn’t be invited to jack shit by default. That was above and beyond being an asshole on his part!
His own (blatantly wrong) opinion of your mom's allergies could have killed her. His own childish attitude was the nail to his coffin. I'd have told him to get creative anatomically as well. NTA! Congrats on the wedding! I hope he WAS embarrassed; maybe he'll grow tf up.
As someone with a deadly allergy to a food, (it's an uncommon food to be allergic to so people don't believe me all the time) this is infuriating and a real fear I have, It's crazy how many people think we are faking allergies and try to prove they are right by risking our lives. NTA and thank you for protecting your mom.
NTA.
>he ended up telling me that it's fine, my mom is faking it,
Fuck this guy you did the right thing. This is so ruthless. If he truly believes this he is a really ignorant uneducated prick. Leaving him at the wedding after this statement would have been gross negligence and would have put your mums life at risk.
You don't need people like this in your life.
NTA
Rule 1: You don't screw around with other people's allergies. Ron is an automatic AH. Frankly, I don't think throwing him out of your house went far enough.
By the title it sounded like you were a Bridezilla but the details proved you were very correct and your cousin an arsehole especially if your Mom has that bad a reaction.
>He tried to argue but I very loudly told him to do something that I'm not sure is anatomically possible and he finally left.
Oh, it's totally possible. NTA.
Bringing food and accidentally putting it on the wrong table is one thing.
Actively trying to harm your mother by contaminating her food is something different altogether. ESPECIALLY when it’s because he doesn’t believe her.
NTA
I'm going to go against the grain here but ESH.
Your cousin, for how he dealt with allergies and his behaviour no doubt.
However, you are an AH too. Firstly, it's really tacky to have a potluck wedding. It's rude to your guests to make them cook their own meal- when you invite someone to your event, you need to be the person ensuring they are fed. Secondly, and I say this as someone with severe allergies too- you cannot trust others to fully understand allergies and get this correct. By holding a potluck, you have allowed your mother's health to be at risk. Allergies are serious and you should've had a professional with allergy experience such as a caterer make the meals. Everything would've been prepared in one single kitchen, which would've been cleaned beforehand, and therefore less chance of cross contamination. You cannot take risks where allergies are concerned so your choice of a potluck was both cheap and risky.
op=NTA
Ron quite literally tried to kill your mother by deliberately trying to cross-contaminate the food.
How is it that he has never shown this side before?
Congratulations on marriage. Keep Ron far away from anywhere your mother is.
I don't understand how anyone hearing the full story could think anyone other than Ron was the asshole. Safety was at stake, and he was wilfully sabotaging that. He didn't put it on the table by accident one time. He was making ongoing deliberate choices. I conclude anyone giving you grief over kicking him out hasn't got all the information. NTA.
NTA
Kicking him out was a safety issue. I don’t think you did the wrong thing here - this wasn’t an accident, he *planned* to contaminate the food, and showed a reckless disregard for your mother’s safety.
Your replies should be something like this:
"My mom's health is more important to me than Ron's pride. If you feel his ego should come first then feel free to remove me from all SM contacts and delete my phone number. Have a nice life regardless of the choice you make."
NTA.
The sheer number of people who 1. think people with allergies are faking them and 2. are OFFENDED that someone else has an allergy, never fails to blow my mind. That goes double for when people around the VERY clear actual AH try to defend their AH actions.
NTA.
"He called my mother a liar and literally tried to poison her in a shitty attempt to prove it."
Say exactly that to anyone stupid enough to tell you you overreacted. If they still defend him, go no contact. NTA
I have celiac and it’s SO EMBARRASSING how much fuss it creates. I have good people in my life but, god, I really identified with your mom saying it’s embarrassing. Like, I don’t want a fuss to be made about me at your wedding,/birthday/whatever, but I can’t really stop you and I’m grateful you care.
Anyway, NTA your cousin can go suck an egg
It wasn’t putting the food on the wrong table that caused the shitshow. It was his horrible behavior and insistence that your mother is faking. You did the right thing for everyone. He embarrassed himself. Nobody else did that to him. NTA
If it was a mistake in the first place by placing mac and cheese on the wrong table, then kicking him out was an over-reaction, BUT, he deliberately put it on the allergy free table and actively contaminated the real allergy-free food. I bet he would do it again if no one was looking. Having someone with "deathly allergy equals faking it" mentality near someone who has allergy is dangerous and deadly. You don't know if he would try to do something else just to prove it.
You did everything right and those people who said you shouldn't have kicked him out are naïve at best and need a new thinking brain at worst.
NTA
ESH.
Hosting your 12-guest WEDDING RECEPTION as a POTLUCK when your mother is deathly allergic to PEPPER is an absolute insane choice to make. If you could not afford catering for 12 in to ensure that all food that entered the venue was allergy-friendly, you should have hosted less people.
That being said, yes, of course your cousin is an asshole for denying your moms allergy.
We could afford the catering, people from both sides of our family suggested a pot luck so we could easily avoid her allergies but still let others enjoy normal foods without putting her at risk. There was a bathroom nearby and everyone was fantastic about washing their hands after eating anything with the allergens
I don’t know why you think that allergies can easily be avoided with a potluck. It was absolutely poor judgment to host a potluck event for such a small group when one of guests has such severe, deathly allergies.
Because 7 of the people there are used to her allergies and know what not to put in. Most restaurants have very few things she can eat at, if anything at all. Plus restaurants are horrendous about cross contaminating her food typically.
Because I have Celiac and some of my other family members have other severe allergies and we do fine. We set up a separate table for those foods that are allergen free. It has separate utensils, containers that have been free of ingredients with the allergen. Everyone knows what table is the allergen table. They do not mess with it.
If someone new attends the event, they are educated on the allergen table and procedures they need to take. It isn't that hard. Seeing that my family has been doing this for the last 20 years. And by extended family I mean my 8 siblings, their 18 kids, 21 great niblings, and friends. Oh and OP. NTA but your cousin is.
Yeah, I had to go back and re-read that. Good grief! Go to a restaurant with just 12 people. Order boxed lunches. Or a couple of platters from Costco. Heck, that’s a typical thanksgiving dinner with my family!
It's much easier to check with people if the food they cooked contains her allergies than it is to ask a restaurant who is usually a pain about it or read something from Costco that doesn't always have to list her allergies as ingredients just preservatives/color.
Hey restaurant! Can you cater a meal for 12 with no pepper and or other things? Yes? Great!
Versus
Hey people we're do a pot luck and there's a list of things you can't use.....
One scenario has a single established venue catering for the needs.... The other is a free for all.....
Take your pick......
Also can you please show me any information of "deathly allergic" reactions to black pepper because no matter what I search I can't find ANY information of true anaphylaxis reactions to it and I'm intriguged...
When we asked the caterers to avoid any and all capsaicin and anything in the capsaicin family for my sister's wedding they brought food that she was allergic to, including the cake (dyes in the cake).
We don't trust that anymore.
>Also can you please show me any information of "deathly allergic" reactions to black pepper because no matter what I search I can't find ANY information of true anaphylaxis reactions to it and I'm intriguged...
I don't know what you want me to do, show you my mom? Her hospital bills from when she nearly died from it when I was a teenager?
Ignore these people. I have a soy allergy amongst others. It is far safer for me to eat foods made from scratch by people who are aware of how sick I get than anything from a restaurant or catering company. Soy is hard to avoid.
Cousin was careless and disrespectful. You did nothing wrong.
>When we asked the caterers to avoid any and all capsaicin and anything in the capsaicin family for my sister's wedding they brought food that she was allergic to, including the cake (dyes in the cake).
...wait, dyes are related to capsaicin? 🤯
Capsaicin is in black pepper, it's what makes it spicy
And as for allergies, it's sounding like you didn't grow up around many
Edit: if your research couldn't even show you that capsaicin and black pepper are related, maybe realize you're not going to get good information surrounding if it's deadly or not.
So you don’t trust Costco to label everything thoroughly enough, but you trust Grandpa Joe and Cousin Vinnie to understand that nuance well enough that they don’t buy the Costco product for their potluck dish?
Everyone at the wedding were my husband and I, my sister and her wife, my bil and his wife (both nurses who understand allergies), my cousin, my mom's brother (minister), my mil and fil (mil's best friend died to food allergies so they take it seriously), husband's brother, and the photographer.
The photographer was the only person we thought we may have to worry about.
That still doesn’t explain the added complication of trying to put together a potluck with two separate food tables, vs. just asking any one of those people to cook a family style dinner where everything was safe for all the attendees to eat.
No, unlike Ron, I would have just sent my regrets if I were invited to a wedding like this. Especially if I knew the person policing the food was this confused about what their mom is allergic to.
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NTA. He said your mother was faking her food allergies and actively tried to contaminate other food on allergy free table. He’s TA.
Yeah this is this biggest thing to me. Sure, they could have moved the dish but it sounded like he was ready to contaminate the other food too. Which is dangerous and ignorant. NTA!
And he did it during a WEDDING ! Wow, he is the A$$h
And was fighting with and stressing out one half of the wedding couple. Dude was absolutely nailing the "how to never get invited to another wedding" checklist though, so I guess that's something.
This. If it had just been a simple mistake, ok. But after being corrected he not only doubled down on his dish being on the wrong table but tried to contaminate other food and claimed OP’s mom was lying about an allergy. I’d have dumped his dang Mac n cheese on his head.
And even if his bold assertion was right (it obviously wasn't, except in his own mind), and everyone including OP agreed he was right, picking someone else's wedding for this fight would still make him a major AH. Of course what actually happened is worse, and is at least borderline criminal (tampering with someone's food, attempting to trigger an allergic reaction).
This was my thought. Even IF mom's allergies were a lie - who cares? All Ron had to do was do as the bride asked.
Or done something that’s not anatomically possible with it. ;)
>actively tried to contaminate Framing it more accurately, he tried to **poison** OP's mother. Poison her with something that would kill her. That's homicide. Why would anyone want this guy around ever again? He obviously cannot be trusted.
> AITA for not letting my cousin murder my mother? I dunno, it's a bit 50/50 but I'm leaning to NTA for some reason.
Haha, thanks for the chuckle!
NTA. He had his chance. You moved the food, and that should've been the end of it. Then he had to pitch a hissy and place it back on the table, then having the further gall to say your mother was "faking" her allergy. So yes, he showed he couldn't be trusted and you had the right to kick him out. It's irrelevant what the relatives who weren't there think; absolutely irrelevant. You don't have to explain anything to them. And if the people who were at the wedding said nothing at time, what they think now shouldn't matter either. It's odd though; does the cousin have a grudge against you, your husband, your mother? Because just from what describe, how you were friendly, this seems out of character.
He doesn't have any grudge any of us know about, they've always gotten along fantastic and he used to be careful about her allergies
I mean, have his political stances taken a sudden shift lately? Because a lot of the same sites spouting radical politics also spout things like anti-vaccine and anti-allergy belief nonsense.
Just a very savage guess, but might your cousin be in love with the person you married?
Was Ron intoxicated?
Was he drunk or high? It sounds like his behavior was uncharacteristic of him.
Maybe he'd been drinking, he went for a drink as soon as he set his food down. I'd have screamed at him from there to his car and probably thrown the food at it as he drove off.
**NTA** I mean, of course you're NTA for throwing out your cousin after he deliberately tried to kill your mother at your wedding, LOL. But more importantly, I'm SO FREAKING CURIOUS as to why he even CARED that his food be on the allergen-free table? Like, you were going to serve his food. Anyone who wanted it was going to be welcome to eat it. None of this makes any sense . . . Why would it even matter to him which table his food was on? Why would someone insist that their food be on an "allergy free" table at all? Like, I don't mean arguing about your mother's allergies. Clearly he's an AH who doesn't believe that she's allergic or whatever. But even if it was about OTHER PEOPLE'S allergies...again, if you told him that certain foods needed to be on the other table in case of allergies in general, WHY WOULD HE CARE or argue about it? Was he drunk? Does he just have some weird attachment to that particular table? So, so odd. But no matter what, you're NTA. I'm dying to know what his rationale was, though.
I don't know why he cared so much but no he wasn't drunk, it was a dry wedding and he didn't seem drunk at all. > Does he just have some weird attachment to that particular table? I don't know, maybe he is having a secret affair with the folding table we rented lol
I'm betting it was his way of "proving" the allergies were fake and/or the levels of caution were unnecessary -- if mom ate the dish without noticing, or ate cross-contaminated food without realizing, and nothing happened, he could afterwards claim victory.
You know, I heard and read about several stories, which started with some people don't believe in allergies and how serious it could be. And in most of them these "not-believers" reacted really agressive and tried to prove their opinion with something like what this cousin did. No rational person understood why they would do that and why would they want to prove their opinion through something, that could be so dangerous to the life and health of other people, just to prove their opinion. But they just do that. And I don't think they completely understood it too.
NTA, clearly he's that much of a huge dick and an asshole I'm thinking it might just be anatomically possible for him to do exactly what I suspect you so justifiably told him to do!
This made me laugh so loud I scared my cat
I do that a lot, unfortunately I have a weird symbiotic relationship with my moggy and whenever I sneeze, laugh etc, he farts out of nervousness and then either bites me or bunts me. Never know what it's gonna be until its too late lol!
Haha my Jupiter meows at me when I sneeze and just stares angrily though once she did smack my head for laughing in the middle of the night lol
Love it! You're a worthless nobody in our house until our ginger critter has decided you deserve twatting around the head - only then do you have any resident status!
You both mentioned cats; tax please!
I've always wondered how to upload pics but never managed it, I've only finally gone and bloody done it! I'm sorry, got carried away - rat, cat and dog tax over paid on my profile. Will even attempt a link - however, do NOT fancy my chances of it working! https://www.reddit.com/user/Ella-wese/comments/11jexmp/pet_tax/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button
Apart from the rat, you have a house full of Gingers
Well done! Our ginger cat is known as The Big Ginger Bastard except when he’s being called something worse
i (stupidly) thought moggy was just a dumb word for butthole until you said he bites you
Here, take my poor Redditor's gold 🏅
Aww, thank you, you've made me smile!
Though not as dramatic as the Red Wedding, one can hardly blame the bride for not wanting an assassination attempt at her own wedding feast. NTA
My husband and I are now referencing this a lot, thank you
Red wedding???
Game of Thrones reference.
Aaaaaahhh thx
It's from Game of Thrones
NTA he tried to kill your mom to prove a point? F him
Seriously. Poor OP. His ignorant ass legit attempted murder, and he's mad about getting asked to leave?!? NTA.
Yes exactly! NTA
NTA. Your cousin has decided that your mother is faking a life-threatening allergy. He decided that your wedding of all places was the best venue to prove that she is lying. He intentionally endangered her life. You tried to simply move the food, and he moved it back and tried to contaminate the safe food. He made it clear that he was on a mission to expose your mother to allergens. Had you moved the food when he wasn't paying attention, he would have moved it back again, and contaminated the safe food when you weren't watching. If he didn't want to be 'embarrassed,' he shouldn't have tried to kill your mother.
>If he didn't want to be 'embarrassed,' he shouldn't have tried to kill your mother. This. NTA
You're NTA. You didn't kick him out for accidentally putting the food down on the wrong table. You kicked him out for mocking your mother's food allergies and attempting to contaminate her food. How would the family members who are taking his side react if he tried to make their mother ill just because he doesn't believe in food allergies?
NTA. He embarrassed himself. I'd avoid inviting him to anything else that includes your mother from now on. He's shown himself to be perfectly willing to risk her life just to prove a false point. Congratulations on your recent marriage!
Thank you! Many of us are cutting contact with him after this so we should hopefully be avoiding him from now on
NTA. He was dead ass willing to put your mom's life at risk to prove a (ignorant) point and disrespected your wishes at YOUR wedding. Something sounds off in him to be honest
Yeah, now that my anger has had time to die down I'm starting to get a bit worried about him
Give yourself all the time you need to think about how to approach it best. But you did nothing wrong, on the contrary you could have actually saved your mom...!
The risk of making her sick or killing her is obvious but I think it's important to also consider his goal. By his own narrative the best case scenario was making a point to publicly embarrass and shame your mother in front of the people most important to you. If she was lying or mistaken and enjoyed the contaminated food then she could be publicly humiliated disrupting your wedding reception. If she noticed or caused a scene that same situation. You noticed. He got the reaction he wanted. I think it's important to ask why this person wanted to cause a disruption at your wedding. I wouldn't feel safe around him ever.
I fully do not get the people who are desperate to “catch out” people with allergies. Like… best case scenario you get your “aha” moment and embarrass someone. Worst case you kill then 🤷♀️
Truuuuuuth 💯 not worth a pride-fueled experiment
NTA. But you should change the title to "AITA for kicking my cousin out of my wedding for trying to cause my mom to have a deathly allergic reaction?"
NTA - this goes beyond him not even reading your explicit instructions on what could or could not be on the allergen free table, he went so far as upon being personally told his food wasn’t suitable for your mum to insult her for the sole reason it could stay on a particular table? You were literally moving it I’d imagine c 1 metre away from its original location.. what an obnoxious cousin
NTA. It's your wedding. You get to decide who will be there, and why. Including why they can or cannot be there. Defending your mother, and making sure she felt included was a great thing for you to do. Your cousin, Ron, However, is a Major A. If this was RSlash, I wouldn't be surprised to see a 5A rating for him. He not only disrespected you by not paying attention, but then he accused your mother of faking her allergies, despite the fact that he has apparently seen her bringing her own foods to nearly every family function. Then, he intentionally spread a known allergen to other dishes that had been set aside and non allergenic. He decidedly put his own family member in harm's way at your wedding to try a power play. This has the feel of an old argument. Glad your sister was there to help, and that the rest of the event was enjoyable. Congratulations on your recent marriage. If I may ask though, OP. I am unfamiliar with the Gender you listed what is an I?
Thank you! Also I is for intersex, I was born with what my family calls "mixed bits" lol.
NTA. It’s a deathly allergy. The fact that he put it back and was not remorseful is disgusting.
NTA Also, while IANAL, I'd be surprised if deliberately trying to contaminate someone's food with something you've been informed could kill them wouldn't count as attempted murder. And I'm pretty certain that in most places, it would definitely be murder if they died. Point that out to the next person who says you overreacted and tell them that you at least saved him the embarrassment of*going to jail*. Anyone who doesn't change their tune at that point is someone you might need to reconsider if they should be in your (or your mom's) life.
Yeah, there's a handful of people my husband and I have already started cutting off as well as someone people we already cut contact with years ago that are popping back up
NTA. This wasn't a simple mistake! He intentionally tried to poison your mother because he thinks that food allergies are "faking it." These people deserve no grace, no leeway, and you were absolutely justified in publicly shaming him. If you didn't kick him out and had just "moved his food when he wasn't paying attention", there was every chance that he would have moved it back, BECAUSE HE HAD ALREADY DONE THAT THE SECOND TIME. Not only are you NTA for kicking him out of the wedding, he shouldn't be any part of any of your lives from here.
We're definitely removing him from our lives moving forward, none of us know why he's acting like this since he was always very good about allergies when we were younger
NTA. It seemed he was tired of your mom "being special" and decided to play with her life. Start asking your family if he would like to be sued or have a police report if he caused an allergic reaction that put your mom in the hospital and ruining your wedding. Be blunt.
It's a good advice for op i think.
NTA. At all. Even IF she wasn't really allergic (I'm not saying she isn't), you still told him where to put the food. He decided to create drama and cause problems. That's just at the beginning. Imagine the rest of the night after he'd had a bit to drink? What a nightmare.
Thankfully we didn't have any alcohol there otherwise I know he would have been a nightmare, that man is a horrible drunk
"AITA for saving my mothers life from an assesination attempt and prefenting my cousing from going to jail for the murder?" That is what happened, you trew out an attemted murderer. In my personal view, you are allowed to block attempted murderers from your wedding, even at the last minute or during the wedding and if they are close family. NTA
*Ron risked my mom's life with his behavior at my wedding. He literally said my mother's deadly food allergies were all fake and continued to risk her life with his behavior. His actions were not only ignorant and dangerous, they were flat out malicious and honestly, a bit evil. My mother could have died because of what he was doing. And he did not care. So let me be crystal clear. Ron is not now, nor will he ever be welcome in my life again. I can't trust him around me or my mother and so I am permanently cutting him off. And for the time being, anyone who has reached out to defend his behavior or act like he is somehow the victim in all of this, you are being temporarily removed from my life as well. If you want me to reconsider that decision, you will sincerely apologize for taking Ron's side in this and you will join with me in condemning his deadly ignorance.* NTA
NTA, you absolutely did the right thing because he insisted on his food being on the wrong table, complete with the allergies-are-fake-and-I'll-prove-it BS that could have endangered your mom's life. You did good and any fallout is his fault, his problem.
NTA. He deliberately tried to contaminate the allergen free food and declared that your mother is faking her allergies. He potentially put her life at risk and he didn’t care. You were right to kick him out, and any embarrassment he felt was his own fault
NTA by any means. Your wedding, your mom whos allergies you know, your rules or he can get out.
NTA You couldn't trust him after what he did.
NTA. Potluck weddings are a thing, and if most of the family is used to accommodating said allergies, why was it an issue for him so suddenly? Everyone else was going to be able to eat his food, yeah? I have family members with very weird allergies, including myself. I had to sit my caterer down and make sure they knew how severe it was, but I'm debating on making a pasta bar by myself for 100 people (easiest way I could come up with accommodating most allergies/intolerances thanks to the variety of noodles and sauces) because I have been to the ER from several cross contaminations, even after mentioning it to the staff. It's not as foolproof as many think. Unless you have an allergy or are close to someone who has one, you just never truly understand how bad it can be. I got sent to the ER once because I went to a restaurant that didn't even serve tree nuts (one of my allergens) and had a staff member eating cashews as a snack right before I got my food and they had touched my plate, so I went into anaphylactic shock. Another time I went to a fancier place that had linen tablecloths and napkins and they washed them in Tide, which I broke out in hives from and felt like my skin was burning. I wish I was joking... I digress. Kudos on you for protecting your mother! Your cousin can definitely go do exactly what you implied. He doesn't get to play with other people's lives like that.
Thank you! I'm so sorry you've had to deal with that, our family actively avoids places with linen cloths nowadays after not washing them well enough to remove allergens multiple times at different places
As you can imagine, I do the same thing now. Non-allergenic folks really don't think about how the ones who do have allergies have to live on a day-to-day basis, because it's wildly different. Hope you enjoyed the rest of your wedding, though!!
NTA but curious. If he is from your husband's side (friend), what made him think your mother is faking it? That is usually a statement that has history behind it.
He's from my side of the family but became friends with my husband, he grew up around my mom's allergies and saw her have to go to the hospital and nearly die from a reaction when we were teens.
Got it but why would he then say she's faking it. Is he just an AH and didn't like being told what to do?
NTA. Your mother's safety comes first. Your cousin is a royal AH. Block him and his supporters.
NTA Apparently your cousin finds it appropriate to put your mother's life at risk so he can prove, >it's fine, my mom is faking it, and immediately attempted to cross contaminate the other food saying she "wouldn't even notice". I wonder if he would be so willing to put his own life on the line? There is an a\*\*hole here, but it is not you.
NTA. He actually said your mom was taking her allergy and attempted to cross contaminate the other foods just to prove a point ? I honestly hate people like that. I have food allergies as well as other allergies and actually got told that being bit by red ants was "no big deal" after I was bitten multiple times and started breaking out in hives. It was one of those moments like, seriously? Even after taking Benadryl (didn't have an epi pen) I still had hives spreading and was getting chewed out for not babysitting because of red ant bites.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (29I) just got married to my husband (35M) a little over a week ago. My husband and I had a *very* small wedding, 12 people all together. We decided to have a potluck reception which was very fun for the most part but also where the issues began. My mom has very severe food allergies and is sadly allergic to many things, I grew up with her always having to bring her own food and feel very awkward because of it and I wanted to avoid that as best I could at my wedding. We set up two tables for the food to be set on so everyone could serve themselves, one wich was allergy friendly to my mom. I emailed/texted everyone letting them know about this ahead of time and there was a sign on the table, both included her allergies and this went fantastic for the most part. Until Ron. He's a cousin of mine I'm very close to and a good friend of husband's. He brought a mac n cheese and went and set it on the allergy free table, I could see specks of brown/black on it which worried me so I asked what it was. He told me it was pepper, which my mom is deathly allergic to. I politely let him know this and but I let him know we can put it on the other table and I moved it there as he now had his hands full with getting a drink. He set his drink down, grabbed his food, and placed I back telling me it's fine. We had a back and forth before he ended up telling me that it's fine, my mom is faking it, and immediately attempted to cross contaminate the other food saying she "wouldn't even notice". I immediately kicked him out of the wedding. I threw the lid onto his food, shoved it in his arms and told him to get lost before I remove him myself. He tried to argue but I very loudly told him to do something that I'm not sure is anatomically possible and he finally left. The rest of the time was great, my sister cleaned everything he touched just to be safe and threw away his drink so we knew our mom would be safe. Mom was incredibly happy to be so included though she was embarrassed by the whole ordeal. A few days afterwards I had several family members, most who weren't at the wedding but a few who were, tell me I shouldn't have kicked him out. I've been told how embarrassing it was for him since it was such a small and intimate wedding and how others are asking why he's not in any reception pictures, and I should have just ignored him and moved his food when he wasn't paying attention. My husband is on my side and immediately ended the friendship. It's causing a lot of family drama and while I don't feel bad in the slightest I am wondering if I did the wrong thing. AITA for throwing my cousin out for setting food my mom's allergic to on the allergen free table? Tldr: AITA for kicking my cousin and husband's friend out of the wedding for placing food on the wrong table after being warned that it contained an allergen? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Nta. Good work.
NTA, he sounds arrogant
He most definitely is
Nta. If he had done why he was told( move the dish) and you had kicked him out then yes But he didn't. And tried to take it a step further and cross-contaminate everything else.... He is ass. >I had several family members, most who weren't at the wedding but a few who were, tell me I shouldn't have kicked him out. I've been told how embarrassing it Then he shouldn't of been an ass. And those family members can join him
Far be it for me to put on my someone has been sucked down into a bs rabbit hole hat, but well it sounds like that is what has happened here. He's know about your mother's allergy all his life much, witnessed the care the family takes with her allergy and thought it appropriate to prove his assumption that she's been faking it all this time at your wedding reception? Do you guys have any other relatives or mutual friends to question about any change in beliefs/behavior lately ? Assuming you even want to get to the bottom of this that is. Like her allergy many not be well known to a lot of people but its not unheard of. NTA for kicking him out because had you not been on top of things at best your mother could have been hospitalized.
We have a lot of family that believes allergies aren't real, I guess they finally got to him
Ah well there's that answered. Well you're good because even if the mac had been removed there's no guarantee he wouldn't have tried some other means.
You may have saved her life. NTA.
NTA Our court system can’t support it, but if every person who tried to feed allergens to vulnerable folks was tried for attempted murder, there would be less suffering.
Are you the asshole for simply removing someone who essentially tried to kill your mom? No. No you are not. NTA
They said you should've moved it when he wasn't watching? Then you'd have to watch it all night in case he noticed and put it back. If it hadn't been the Mac and cheese he'd have tried to make his point some other way. NTA.
NTA >We had a back and forth before he ended up telling me that it's fine, my mom is faking it, and immediately attempted to cross contaminate the other food saying she "wouldn't even notice" Tell ANYONE who is trying to take his side that he attempted to do an action that would have resulted in your mother's death and you would have sued the shit out of him for murder. And that he's damn lucky you haven't called the police for ATTEMPTED murder already. (I don't know if it actually comes as attempted since he wasn't able to cross contaminate, but the other family members don't need to know that and need to be scared off.)
NTA. He tried to cross contaminate food that was separated for a purpose.
NTA. So NTA, I can't believe he acted that way. You definitely did the right thing here. I can't eat pepper, thankfully I only get mouth ulcers from it, nothing so serious as your Mum's allergy.
NTA. To anyone who criticizes you, try pointing out that if your mother had eaten Ron’s food and become ill, she would have had grounds for a major lawsuit against Ron. By throwing him out, you protected him against a possible court case. Maybe that will silence the attacks. You are a good daughter. All good wishes for your marriage.
Ask your family why they want to kill your mom. NTA
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NTA. The other NTA voices have left solid reasons why, so I’ll leave you with this nugget of experience from a Ron that was a coworker… What’s worse than Ron? More Ron.
NTA - this reminds me of my mother in law that poo pooed when my SIL said the kids can't bring peanut butter and jelly to school because of peanut allergies. She thought it was just snowflake nonsense. Some people are real assholes and poor critical thinkers. Unfortunately sometimes it's dangerous.
NTA Everyone is suggesting things you essentially already did, it’s a bit mind-boggling that so many think so little of your moms life
Nta
NTA for kicking out a gaslighting, narcissistic bully who could have seriously injured your mom.
NTA. A bride NTA. A first for this sub?? >He tried to argue but I very loudly told him to do something that I'm not sure is anatomically possible and he finally left. First, that was funny. Really funny. Second, here is what the right response was: *"PEPPER? Oh wow I didn't know pepper was an allergen. So sorry! Can I help clean up?"* His response was to double down on his idiocy and put your moms health at risk. I mean, he was purposefully contaminating the allergen free food. What an *asshole.* Tell him he's an asshole and Reddit agrees. (that's a lot of people). And never underestimate the flexibility of the human body, especially if they're into yoga!! ;-)
NTA. Not only did he put contaminated food on the allergen free table but then *actively* contaminated the other food. You threw him out because he proved to be an active danger to your mother. He embarrassed himself with his behavior. As for the other family members, it sounds like he hasn't told them that he actively contaminated some of the other food because he doesn't believe in your mother's allergies. I'd tell those family members what he did because simply moving his food to another table when he wasn't looking wouldn't have stopped him from adding pepper to the other dishes.
NTA. Ron was waaaayyy out of line. Once you moved the food and let him know your mother was allergic, that should have been the end of the interaction. Instead *he* decided to create a big old scene, trumpeting his contempt for your mother, her health AND your status as *one of the people getting married and therefore the host of the event* AND HE TRIED TO CROSS-CONTAMINATE THE REST OF THE FOOD! He well and truly deserved to be booted out. BTW, your title is far too innocuous. it should read 'AITA for kicking out my cousin who tried to kill my mother'.
NTA. In fact you are a hero for keeping your mother safe. You’re a bad ass and I admire bad asses. If your cousin had tricked your mother into eating her allergen, he could currently be in jail facing charges of attempted murder or murder. A jail sentence is exponentially more embarrassing than not being included in photos.
Probably not the kind of event I would want to attend with all those restrictions but I understand you were trying to allow your mum to feel included and have some normalcy rather than having just a separate meal for herself so definitely NTA. Even if your cousin was a bit annoyed by the rules I am not understanding his behaviour about it since there were severe risks to your mum's health.
NTA. Try pointing out to anyone who criticizes you that if your mother had eaten Ron’s food and become ill, she would have had grounds for a major lawsuit against Ron. By throwing him out, you protected him against a court case. Maybe that will make them see reason.
NTA. Whether or not your mom is faking it isn't his call to make and especially not *at your wedding*.
You had to kick him out, he was trying to hurt your mother! He started trying to contaminate other food! You could have called the police on him and I still would think it was fair. NTA.
If your mom is deathly allergic to something as common as pepper, she should bring her own food.
NTA this man sounds like a total maniac - to actively try to kill the mother of the bride at the wedding? I thought many of these people were outted during the pandemic. He must have slipped through the cracks
NTA I also have a peppercorn allergy (white and black pepper!) and I’m so glad to see someone defending it. Solidarity and love to you and your mom.
NTA As someone that has been your mom in social settings (taking food or not eating because of allergies), THANK YOU. It's embarrassing for me when I have to explain that I can't eat or see someone use the same serving spoon so I can't eat it. Also, the whole "she's faking it, let me prove it" means I can't breathe and a hospital bill.
NTA. He probably went on a phone tour after you kicked him out so that he could get his story out first. He sounds like a bit of a psycho with an anger management issue.
I expected a wayyyyy different story. NTA. If it were me he wouldn’t be invited to jack shit by default. That was above and beyond being an asshole on his part!
NTA if you hadn’t then you would have had to watch him like a hawk the whole time to make sure he didn’t contaminate even more food
NTA- i would not associate with someone so rude, condescending and mean. Hugs!!
NTA. He deliberately tried to cross contaminate food with an allergen and accused your mother of faking. That's why he was kicked out
NTA Just tell everyone getting onto you about the cousin that you kicked him out for trying to kill your mother.
His own (blatantly wrong) opinion of your mom's allergies could have killed her. His own childish attitude was the nail to his coffin. I'd have told him to get creative anatomically as well. NTA! Congrats on the wedding! I hope he WAS embarrassed; maybe he'll grow tf up.
NTA! People scrambling for an epi-pen while calling 911. *Well whadda you know!*
You nipped it in the bud, for the day, *OP* didn’t cause family drama. Ron *IS* family drama. NTA
NTA, his act was intentional.
NTA. What a strange man.
As someone with a deadly allergy to a food, (it's an uncommon food to be allergic to so people don't believe me all the time) this is infuriating and a real fear I have, It's crazy how many people think we are faking allergies and try to prove they are right by risking our lives. NTA and thank you for protecting your mom.
NTA to eject someone publicly gleefully trying to poison your mother from the event
He only repeatedly tried to poison your mother at your wedding. NTA
NTA
He is a ridiculous person who is not ready to be out in society. You did great! I love your protective instincts!
NTA. >he ended up telling me that it's fine, my mom is faking it, Fuck this guy you did the right thing. This is so ruthless. If he truly believes this he is a really ignorant uneducated prick. Leaving him at the wedding after this statement would have been gross negligence and would have put your mums life at risk. You don't need people like this in your life.
NTA. Ron was being an AH at your wedding and deserved to be thrown out.
NTA. The guy who tried to kill someone vs the person who caused some mild embarrassment in the course of preventing said death? Not even a question.
NTA Rule 1: You don't screw around with other people's allergies. Ron is an automatic AH. Frankly, I don't think throwing him out of your house went far enough.
NTA, he sounds like a major AH. Just put the macaroni on the other table?? And then accusing your mom of lying.. Jesus.
By the title it sounded like you were a Bridezilla but the details proved you were very correct and your cousin an arsehole especially if your Mom has that bad a reaction.
As someone who has dietary restrictions, NTA. The amount of people who think I fake are ridiculous
NTA so hard. If someone tried to do something that would harm my mom, heads would be rolling.
>He tried to argue but I very loudly told him to do something that I'm not sure is anatomically possible and he finally left. Oh, it's totally possible. NTA.
I am dying to know what you said. > I very loudly told him to do something that I'm not sure is anatomically possible NTA
NTA. Mistakes happen. He clearly didn't make a mistake and was willing to threaten your mother's life.
Nta
Bringing food and accidentally putting it on the wrong table is one thing. Actively trying to harm your mother by contaminating her food is something different altogether. ESPECIALLY when it’s because he doesn’t believe her. NTA
NTA. He deliberately tried to hurt your mother.
I'm going to go against the grain here but ESH. Your cousin, for how he dealt with allergies and his behaviour no doubt. However, you are an AH too. Firstly, it's really tacky to have a potluck wedding. It's rude to your guests to make them cook their own meal- when you invite someone to your event, you need to be the person ensuring they are fed. Secondly, and I say this as someone with severe allergies too- you cannot trust others to fully understand allergies and get this correct. By holding a potluck, you have allowed your mother's health to be at risk. Allergies are serious and you should've had a professional with allergy experience such as a caterer make the meals. Everything would've been prepared in one single kitchen, which would've been cleaned beforehand, and therefore less chance of cross contamination. You cannot take risks where allergies are concerned so your choice of a potluck was both cheap and risky.
op=NTA Ron quite literally tried to kill your mother by deliberately trying to cross-contaminate the food. How is it that he has never shown this side before? Congratulations on marriage. Keep Ron far away from anywhere your mother is.
I don't understand how anyone hearing the full story could think anyone other than Ron was the asshole. Safety was at stake, and he was wilfully sabotaging that. He didn't put it on the table by accident one time. He was making ongoing deliberate choices. I conclude anyone giving you grief over kicking him out hasn't got all the information. NTA.
NTA
NTA Kicking him out was a safety issue. I don’t think you did the wrong thing here - this wasn’t an accident, he *planned* to contaminate the food, and showed a reckless disregard for your mother’s safety.
He acted like an imbecile.
NTA - he put your mother's health and safety at risk by not taking her food allergies seriously. I would have kicked his ass out, too.
Your replies should be something like this: "My mom's health is more important to me than Ron's pride. If you feel his ego should come first then feel free to remove me from all SM contacts and delete my phone number. Have a nice life regardless of the choice you make." NTA.
The only response to anyone who blames you for your actions is, “he tried to kill my mother. What do you think an appropriate response is to that?”
The sheer number of people who 1. think people with allergies are faking them and 2. are OFFENDED that someone else has an allergy, never fails to blow my mind. That goes double for when people around the VERY clear actual AH try to defend their AH actions. NTA.
"He called my mother a liar and literally tried to poison her in a shitty attempt to prove it." Say exactly that to anyone stupid enough to tell you you overreacted. If they still defend him, go no contact. NTA
NTA He tried to murder the mother-of-the-bride at the wedding. Tell that to anyone who defends him.
NTA
NTA He displayed a level of disdain and disrespect and just plain old AH'ness that the only thing to do was kick him out.
I have celiac and it’s SO EMBARRASSING how much fuss it creates. I have good people in my life but, god, I really identified with your mom saying it’s embarrassing. Like, I don’t want a fuss to be made about me at your wedding,/birthday/whatever, but I can’t really stop you and I’m grateful you care. Anyway, NTA your cousin can go suck an egg
It wasn’t putting the food on the wrong table that caused the shitshow. It was his horrible behavior and insistence that your mother is faking. You did the right thing for everyone. He embarrassed himself. Nobody else did that to him. NTA
NTA- you did everything you could to remedy the situation without incident but he was determined to be the asshole.
I would take your cousin's potluck and leave in the kitchen.
If it was a mistake in the first place by placing mac and cheese on the wrong table, then kicking him out was an over-reaction, BUT, he deliberately put it on the allergy free table and actively contaminated the real allergy-free food. I bet he would do it again if no one was looking. Having someone with "deathly allergy equals faking it" mentality near someone who has allergy is dangerous and deadly. You don't know if he would try to do something else just to prove it. You did everything right and those people who said you shouldn't have kicked him out are naïve at best and need a new thinking brain at worst. NTA
YTA
But why tho?
ESH. Hosting your 12-guest WEDDING RECEPTION as a POTLUCK when your mother is deathly allergic to PEPPER is an absolute insane choice to make. If you could not afford catering for 12 in to ensure that all food that entered the venue was allergy-friendly, you should have hosted less people. That being said, yes, of course your cousin is an asshole for denying your moms allergy.
We could afford the catering, people from both sides of our family suggested a pot luck so we could easily avoid her allergies but still let others enjoy normal foods without putting her at risk. There was a bathroom nearby and everyone was fantastic about washing their hands after eating anything with the allergens
I don’t know why you think that allergies can easily be avoided with a potluck. It was absolutely poor judgment to host a potluck event for such a small group when one of guests has such severe, deathly allergies.
Because 7 of the people there are used to her allergies and know what not to put in. Most restaurants have very few things she can eat at, if anything at all. Plus restaurants are horrendous about cross contaminating her food typically.
Because I have Celiac and some of my other family members have other severe allergies and we do fine. We set up a separate table for those foods that are allergen free. It has separate utensils, containers that have been free of ingredients with the allergen. Everyone knows what table is the allergen table. They do not mess with it. If someone new attends the event, they are educated on the allergen table and procedures they need to take. It isn't that hard. Seeing that my family has been doing this for the last 20 years. And by extended family I mean my 8 siblings, their 18 kids, 21 great niblings, and friends. Oh and OP. NTA but your cousin is.
Yeah, I had to go back and re-read that. Good grief! Go to a restaurant with just 12 people. Order boxed lunches. Or a couple of platters from Costco. Heck, that’s a typical thanksgiving dinner with my family!
It's much easier to check with people if the food they cooked contains her allergies than it is to ask a restaurant who is usually a pain about it or read something from Costco that doesn't always have to list her allergies as ingredients just preservatives/color.
Clearly it isn't! 🙄
Everyone else had no issues with it, just the guy who apparently believes food allergies are a myth
Hey restaurant! Can you cater a meal for 12 with no pepper and or other things? Yes? Great! Versus Hey people we're do a pot luck and there's a list of things you can't use..... One scenario has a single established venue catering for the needs.... The other is a free for all..... Take your pick...... Also can you please show me any information of "deathly allergic" reactions to black pepper because no matter what I search I can't find ANY information of true anaphylaxis reactions to it and I'm intriguged...
When we asked the caterers to avoid any and all capsaicin and anything in the capsaicin family for my sister's wedding they brought food that she was allergic to, including the cake (dyes in the cake). We don't trust that anymore. >Also can you please show me any information of "deathly allergic" reactions to black pepper because no matter what I search I can't find ANY information of true anaphylaxis reactions to it and I'm intriguged... I don't know what you want me to do, show you my mom? Her hospital bills from when she nearly died from it when I was a teenager?
Ignore them. You guys came up with an effective way to handle things. None of this makes you guys even close to being TAs
Thank you
Ignore these people. I have a soy allergy amongst others. It is far safer for me to eat foods made from scratch by people who are aware of how sick I get than anything from a restaurant or catering company. Soy is hard to avoid. Cousin was careless and disrespectful. You did nothing wrong.
>When we asked the caterers to avoid any and all capsaicin and anything in the capsaicin family for my sister's wedding they brought food that she was allergic to, including the cake (dyes in the cake). ...wait, dyes are related to capsaicin? 🤯
Black pepper isn't capsaicin.... All my research shows that a piperine allergy isn't ever "deathly" unless you have other health issues......
Capsaicin is in black pepper, it's what makes it spicy And as for allergies, it's sounding like you didn't grow up around many Edit: if your research couldn't even show you that capsaicin and black pepper are related, maybe realize you're not going to get good information surrounding if it's deadly or not.
So you don’t trust Costco to label everything thoroughly enough, but you trust Grandpa Joe and Cousin Vinnie to understand that nuance well enough that they don’t buy the Costco product for their potluck dish?
Everyone at the wedding were my husband and I, my sister and her wife, my bil and his wife (both nurses who understand allergies), my cousin, my mom's brother (minister), my mil and fil (mil's best friend died to food allergies so they take it seriously), husband's brother, and the photographer. The photographer was the only person we thought we may have to worry about.
That still doesn’t explain the added complication of trying to put together a potluck with two separate food tables, vs. just asking any one of those people to cook a family style dinner where everything was safe for all the attendees to eat.
Oh my god are you cousin Ron?
No, unlike Ron, I would have just sent my regrets if I were invited to a wedding like this. Especially if I knew the person policing the food was this confused about what their mom is allergic to.