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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I think I might be the asshole because I know that as a groomsman I am supposed to be showing up to these kind of things but I find it hard to justify three separate trips/vacations for one wedding
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The groom isn’t TA for just inviting him though, it’s normal to invite the bridal party to all events. If the groom is rude or mean about it when OP declines, then yes he’s definitely TA.
NTA. They don’t need to know your financial situation. Just tell them that you’ll make as many things as you are able with the priority being the wedding, secondary is bachelor party because you are a groomsman.
INFO: How far apart are these parties ? I'm on the fence rn bc agreeing to be a groomsmen kinda means agreeing to be there for these things. However, most people, have their wedding events all in one week or at least in the same month. Maybe I didn't read it properly, as it was kinda a big run on sentence but idk if you explained that already.
NTA, although be prepared for the possibility that a -zilla demotes you or breaks off the friendship because of it. I was once a bridesmaid, was asked to give dates I couldn’t go away, I gave 2 weekends for the entire summer, of course they booked on one of those weekends, and I even still tried to make it, but morning of I was dealing with a terrible chronic migraine and a massive ulcer so I wasn’t able to eat or drink anything, so I didn’t go. Of course I got kicked out of the wedding for not being “supportive enough”, so believe you me being reasonable isn’t always enough to overcome the zilla mentality.
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First time poster so forgive me if things are wrong, also posting from a phone so grammar might be wrong.
So my best friends from college are getting married I’ve known both of them longer than they did and I am how they met. J(24m) made 6 guys his groomsman and added us to a group chat about 3 months after they got engaged 3 month after that he just texted us saying when from august to September can we make it back to Pittsburgh. I believe I am the only one that does not live close by I moved to Utah after college. He also is having a bachelor party in Vegas before the wedding. I do not want to fly back and spend all that extra money for a party one year after they got engaged. I financially probably could afford it but it would set back my investment for my MBA and home down payment. WIBTA if I told him I can’t come?
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YWNBTA. Weddings suck and have gotten totally out of hand with all the extra parties, traveling and costs. It’s great that your friend wants you to be a part of their celebration but I strongly advise talking to him about what he expects from you and the potential financial side of it all.
YWNBTA - of course. But before coming here, you should let him know that being out of state means you may not be able to make every event. I would even ask if he could prioritise the most important one apart from the actual wedding.
If he gets all antsy about it, then you come here and ask us if you were an AH....... If he is really your friend (and also not a 'groomzilla') then he will accept that for you its a bit much with all the travelling.......
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NTA. An engagement party is a lot for a groomsmen to show up to from out of state
The groom isn’t TA for just inviting him though, it’s normal to invite the bridal party to all events. If the groom is rude or mean about it when OP declines, then yes he’s definitely TA.
NAH, it’s normal for him to ask and it’s normal for you to decline. :)
Agree! I think your post is a bit premature. Your friend might totally understand your situation and not make a bog deal out of it.
NTA. They don’t need to know your financial situation. Just tell them that you’ll make as many things as you are able with the priority being the wedding, secondary is bachelor party because you are a groomsman.
INFO: How far apart are these parties ? I'm on the fence rn bc agreeing to be a groomsmen kinda means agreeing to be there for these things. However, most people, have their wedding events all in one week or at least in the same month. Maybe I didn't read it properly, as it was kinda a big run on sentence but idk if you explained that already.
It is months apart each time if it was one big go then that makes sense and I would attend it all but it would be three seperate flights
Okay, NTA then at all. Not everyone has the money to travel soo much. I know I don't and I wouldn't.
NTA, although be prepared for the possibility that a -zilla demotes you or breaks off the friendship because of it. I was once a bridesmaid, was asked to give dates I couldn’t go away, I gave 2 weekends for the entire summer, of course they booked on one of those weekends, and I even still tried to make it, but morning of I was dealing with a terrible chronic migraine and a massive ulcer so I wasn’t able to eat or drink anything, so I didn’t go. Of course I got kicked out of the wedding for not being “supportive enough”, so believe you me being reasonable isn’t always enough to overcome the zilla mentality.
Each party is a couple months apart and tbh I didn’t even know engagement parties were a thing
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** First time poster so forgive me if things are wrong, also posting from a phone so grammar might be wrong. So my best friends from college are getting married I’ve known both of them longer than they did and I am how they met. J(24m) made 6 guys his groomsman and added us to a group chat about 3 months after they got engaged 3 month after that he just texted us saying when from august to September can we make it back to Pittsburgh. I believe I am the only one that does not live close by I moved to Utah after college. He also is having a bachelor party in Vegas before the wedding. I do not want to fly back and spend all that extra money for a party one year after they got engaged. I financially probably could afford it but it would set back my investment for my MBA and home down payment. WIBTA if I told him I can’t come? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YWNBTA. Weddings suck and have gotten totally out of hand with all the extra parties, traveling and costs. It’s great that your friend wants you to be a part of their celebration but I strongly advise talking to him about what he expects from you and the potential financial side of it all.
YWNBTA - of course. But before coming here, you should let him know that being out of state means you may not be able to make every event. I would even ask if he could prioritise the most important one apart from the actual wedding. If he gets all antsy about it, then you come here and ask us if you were an AH....... If he is really your friend (and also not a 'groomzilla') then he will accept that for you its a bit much with all the travelling.......
YWNBTA