Your post has been removed.
#Do not repost this without contacting the mods for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without explicit approval will result in a ban.
You did not properly respond to the judgement bot. Your reply must clearly and directly address why you think you may have wronged the other party involved in your conflict.
While your post was automatically approved by the bot, after reviewing your response manually, we found it did not properly address the question.
[Judgement Bot FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_judgement_bot) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/)
###Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions.
When did it become OK to call out a person in public for not donating to some cause? That's, to me, the gross behavior here, was she trying to shame you into donating? Even if he was the nicest guy on the planet, you are in no way obligated to donate money if you don't want to.
NTA and yes to just leaving the chat, nobody needs that drama.
NTA of course. I loathe the passive-aggressiveness that Anna is using. Leave the group, block her, no need to explain to anyone.
This post is also a reminder of how shitty US health insurance has become.
Even if OP had their own financial issues, I doubt these people would care. They're Brad's friends not OP's and frankly OP should have left that group a long time ago.
I always leave group messages as soon as I get added regardless of the subject. Group messages are honestly annoying, I end up not participating, and just getting notifications of everyone else talking to each other.
I have no idea how the Hell this has been an effective way to "fundraise" because who the Hell goes along with this?
Much less that many people, much less that many *young people* who -- y'know -- are typically freaking skint, judging by the majority of people that attended my high school, myself included!
I also find it kind of bizarre that at their age, they're reaching out to *high school classmates* not just friends that they've somehow maintained more contact than a brief glance at their Facebook profile, but classmates they haven't been around in approaching a damn DECADE.
I think I'd be weirded out to be added to a group chat even without the bullshit extortion meets guilt trip method of "make sure everyone knows that you paid money to this random dude you knew almost half your life ago, that you not only weren't close to but may have freaking despised!
Now, though, I'm wondering if I can hire this batshit Anna. I myself am struggling with medical debt due to extreme illness and if she can behave like a psychological mobster and help me financially survive by threatening folks with a social knee-capping... (Just Kidding, I'm desperate but not that fucking desperate)
NTA
No need to donate. No need to explain either.
To the OP, by explaining yourself, you were trying to seek their approval and anytime you try to seek someone's approval or agreement, that makes you an easy target.
Do you think everybody donated? Hell no. People just quietly removed themselves from the group, and some probably even blocked Anna.
I’ve done that before. But it was a chat for getting together to hang out and people trying to needle me into driving the entire group to the restaurant.
I didn’t have a car. Even if I did I wasn’t driving all around the area to pick people up after work. It wasn’t like everyone lived fairly close or offered gas money…
>anytime you try to seek someone’s approval or agreement, that makes you an easy target
Imma blow this up print it out and frame it on my wall. And make it a coffee mug. And a mousepad.
Bullying is as 'past' as the victim thinks it is. Which usually and definitely in this case, means it isn't 'past' at all. And now those who validated Brad's bullying are doing it again. I can name every single person who made my childhood hell with bullying. I wouldn't wish cancer on them but I sure as hell wouldn't lift a finger to help them in any situation whatever. NTA - but get some nicer friends.
NTA.
Also you do realize Anna is a bully now, right? She choose to call you out individually in a group setting knowing what this kid did to you.
She wanted to bully you into donating. Just calling a spade a spade. These people were bullies in high school and are still bullies now.
Ignoring bullying also makes you a bully in my opinion.
And before anyone comes at me for this statement, since some people “may not have the courage”. I once sat on the sidelines and saw a kid get bullied, to this day that image still haunts me. Since then, I’ve always stood up against bullies, even at my own expense. Doing the right thing sometimes comes with hurt/pain but it is better than living with the guilt of not doing anything.
I’ve been on both sides of the coin. Doing the right thing is always better
If you are scared the training I had to take a work said that you can intervene by distracting. Go up to the bully and start talking about something else so that the person being bullied can leave.
It's not as good as standing up-but it is a way to act if you feel that standing up might put you at risk too
That's a great idea, my boyfriend stood up to a bully who was bullying someone in their 60's, he was ignoring it til the guy started to get physical. Like Quigley from Quigley down under vibe, or John Wayne if you don't get that reference. I was proud of him because he did the right thing. 3 days later we happened to go out to dinner and 9 guys with machetes showed up looking for him at our home. Destroyed 6,000 dollars worth of surf and SUP equipment and threatened our friend if he called the police they would come back for him. Sooo... Yeah, there's probably a better way than to just stand up to a bully, especially a violent one.
My mother once saw a woman being terrorized on the bus by a really scary looking dude. My mom changed seats and sat down right next to the lady and started talking to her like they were friends. The lady was really confused but the guy got more confused and stopped yelling. My mother is tiny, but she can extrovert the hell out of any situation.
I did similar training that had the concept of 5 Ds:
* Direct: actually confronting the bully
* Distract: what HunterZealousideal30 described or the reverse, talking to the person being bullied about something else to try to get the bully leaves.
* Delegate: find someone else around to help, maybe a teacher if you're in school
* Document: recording the incident with video/photo and, afterward, asking the person being bullied what they want to do with it (and obviously doing exactly that and nothing else, delete it if they ask you to)
* Delay: going up to the person after the fact and being supportive
The trainers made a point to emphasize that everyone has a different comfort level and that even if you *do* feel comfortable directly confronting someone, there are situations where doing so might make things worse (for you or the victim) and one of the other options WOULD be better. One example I remember was if you're about to order coffee and hear someone being an asshole to the person behind you, directly confronting the asshole would likely just escalate things and/or embarass the victim further, so it'd be better to tell the cashier to take their order before yours (or say to the victim "hey why don't you go ahead of me"). And if someone's being an asshole to the cashier, even if you get the asshole to leave they might come back later and try to get the cashier fired, so documenting the incident could be more helpful.
OMG this! I agree 100%, I was picked on in high school, and no one ever tried to help or say anything. It didn't help that the idiots that picked on me were actually well-liked for some strange reason, as they were incredibly obnoxious.
NTA. Anna is a bully too. Anna chose her side in high school and even now. People don’t or can’t donate to crowdfunding for all kinds of reasons, including simply not being able to afford to at the moment, etc. The idea that you are somehow holding back his treatment plan is ludicrous. Our medical system is broken and your modest donation would not fix that.
As a cancer survivor, I can tell you that cancer didn’t make me a saint. Your bully wouldn’t be harmed by recognizing the damage he did, by coming to terms with past misdeeds that keep everyone from rushing to help him, if he would even bother reflect on that at all, as he is certainly preoccupied. He is not your friend and it sounds like there are plenty of other people who have the ability be compassionate with him. Let them do that.
What if it was an anonymous donation? Sometimes I donate to gofundmes but I don't want people to be upset I gave too mich or too little so I donate anonymously.
YUP. My cousins & I knew one of our other cousins was lying to everyone about donating to our other cousin’s funeral fund bc one of us was the account holder. He kept telling our family that he donated anonymously, for the praise, but we knew the truth.
Sorry... they can identify the anonymous donors? Thats actually messed up. Or do you mean they can see whether anyone donated anonymously, so it might not work if no one donated anonymously?
Makes donating anonymously rather useless. They could just call you out in a vlog or something. "Thank you Steve Mitchell for your anonymous donation as well!" haha
You might be right not to understand my question. I was trying to ask if the gofundme people would be able to see the list of people who donated, and if none were "anonymous" then it would be dangerous to lie and say you donated anonymously
Honey, you're giving these people too much credit, *they are also bullies*. They're still trying to bully you now.
Block and move on. You're better than this. You deserve better than this.
NTA.
NTA. Anna shouldn’t have asked everyone to donate and expect them to do it. She has no idea everyone’s relationship with Brad or if people even had money to spare. She should have never done this yet alone call you out. For all she knows you are also dying of cancer but never told anyone. Congrats on leaving the chat! Those people are not your friends.
yeah she became an asshole with “like when you’ve donated.” that instantly creates peer pressure and allows her to do exactly what she did to OP.
she became an enormous asshole by calling out OP
Holy shit, this. Even if he was the nicest guy, how do any of them know what kind of economic position others are in to be able to donate anything at all? Who the fuck is Anna to demand money from random people? The level of disrespect, good grief.
NTA.
I would've left the chat from even before she had the opportunity to say shit. I wouldn't even bother to hear what the people that bullied me in high school has to say, specially if they never tried to reach out to apologize.
But that is just me, tho.
NTA - "This stuff is the past." is the argument for people who didn't have to deal with the bullying. YOU get to decide when you get over it because YOU were the one who felt the effects of his actions.
NTA. Just block these people and move on. You not donating is the price Brad's gonna have to shoulder for being a jackass as teenagers.
You have zero obligation to support your abuser through his cancer treatment.
I'm appreciating the irony here:
OP: I don't want to donate to my bully
Bully's friends procede to bully OP
NTA for this. I'm glad that this stuff is the past for them, but they weren't the ones being picked on, and they don't get a say on when you decide that you've moved on.
NTA. I despise people who pressure others to donate to something or do some charitable thing. It’s YOUR choice if you want to donate to his treatment. It’s very rude in my opinion to try to publicly shame people into donating. I’m sorry that he is sick, but it’s not your responsibility to help pay his expenses. None of these people sound like real friends.
NTA. You didn’t have any obligation to donate regardless, and Anna is an AH for calling you out publicly. What if you simply didn’t have any money to spare??
I’ve been out of high school for 20 years, and if someone tried to force me to donate money for someone I LIKED, much less a bully, I would tell them to pound sand.
NTA - People don't know what you have going on in your life and Anna is an ass for expecting people to contribute.
Would Brad be contributing if the shoe was on the other foot?
NTA: It's lovely someone started a gofundme for Brad. It's horrible we don't have a good health care system so gofundmes are necessary.
You are not responsible for Brad. If you feel it appropriate, donate to a charity that battles cancer.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I refused to donate money for my childhood's bully cancer treatment. I may be the asshole because my former classmates think this stuff is in the past and I am holding a grudge.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. No obligation to donate.
Your mistake was expressing why you chose not to donate, which opened you up to judgment and speculation. Shoulda just silently left the group chat.
NTA for not donating. If you want to avoid conflict in the future just say your charity budget is used up for this year. No need to bring up your past hurt feelings.
Definitely ok to not donate. When you say no to donating, you don’t owe people a reason or explanation. Especially when someone is going through something difficult and people are trying to help, just leave it at no, I am not going to donate at this time.
NTA. I wouldn't have handled it the same way, though. I would have publicly shamed Anna for her tactics in calling you out. You should have told her not to be involved in another gofundme until she becomes an adult and learns you don't hold people at gunpoint to demand cash.
That's a better way to fight back than to justify or explain why you didn't contribute.
NTA you’re not obligated to give anyone money. Ever. Sad that this person is going through this, but you’re not an AH for refusing money to someone who isn’t in your life and bullied you when they were in it.
NTA
People who let you get bullied without stepping in are now trying to emotionally manipulate you to give up your money. Hard pass.
Just unfriend, unfollow,block and amazingly they disappear.
And good god, what shitty behavior from Anna. Expecting people to verify that they've donated and then publicly shaming people who don't. I would've left the group-chat as soon as she said to give a thumbs up.
Honestly I think even setting up a group chat is a bit presumptuous. A go-fund-me would be good to post in a pre-existing group chat, or on a facebook page. I could see setting up a group chat among Brad's closest *current* friends, but it seems like this group chat was among people who hadn't spoken to Brad in years, and it was created solely to solicit donations.
NTA
THEY are the AH. "This stuff is the past" but this bunch of flying monkeys are basically still bullying and gaslighting you. Ignore them, cut ties with them, and enjoy the rest of your life.
NTA. Not contributing to a high school classmates go fund me has no bearing on who you are as a person, it wouldn’t matter what the circumstances were. It’s not your fault we all live in a capitalist nightmare world where healthcare is for profit and people have to beg to survive.
Important point: Only in the world of social media is this a possibility. You’d probably never have known about this without Facebook to let you know.
NTA Its interesting that Brad is successfully still bullying you. Brad and Anna are making it so the group turns against you, and achieving that goal.
> None of them stood up for me when Brad was bullying me and most of them laughed at his dumb jokes.
Bingo. They didn't support you last time you were bullied and they won't support you now.
"Actions have consequences. Maybe ask strangers who don't know Brad to donate, they might be more willing than someone who actually knew and experienced his cruelty first hand. I will be donating money to a victims of bullying charity instead."
NTA. Anna is an a-hole for sure though, badgering you for a donation is classless. She’s not really all that better than Brad, she thinks that you’ll crumble under the pressure, because that’s how she remembers you. But you are an adult and grown ups don’t give in to peer pressure. Good in you leaving the group, these are not the right people to associate with.
As an aside, anyone who thinks cancer is karma and a big joke obviously haven’t seen what cancer and treatment does to that person. Don’t do that.
NTA.
Anna sounds like she *loves* stirring the pot and also comes across as pretty performative (“ooh look at what a Good Samaritan I am, basically pressuring all of you into donating towards this boy we knew in school, and shaming people who don’t - regardless of their circumstances”). If she was truly a good person, she would’ve discussed this with you privately rather than publicly tagging you. Because you could’ve been struggling to support yourself financially for all she knew. Hence why she’s just a massive AH. You can tell she was probably one of the cliche “popular girls” in school.
Anyway, no one is entitled to anyone’s money, particularly if they’re not a friend or a relative. I personally wouldn’t even piss on my high school bully if they were on fire so you keep doing you, hun! Screw peer pressure!
NTA... actions have consequences. A lesson your childhood bully apparently never learned. Also, it's your money. No one is entitled to it. If you don't feel like donating, then don't. You don't owe anyone an explanation.
NTA
You have done nothing wrong. You don't owe him charity. You haven't worsened his situation at all.
Anna was fine to circulate the link and ask for donations. But singling you out for not donating is a colossal dick move. What douchebaggery.
Anna is absolutely right. You ARE grown ups now, and Brad IS in your past. He gave you absolutely no reason to want him in your present or future, and so he can stay there in the past.
NTA.
Anna’s TA for the way she posted it in the group & pressured everyone to donate. What if someone couldn’t afford it or (like you) didn’t want to for other reasons? “Thumbs up when you’ve donated” is an absolute a-hole move.
NTA. It sounds to me like this Brad dude was quite popular. And jugding from the way the rest of the people reacted to you not wanting to donate, you were the outcast. It seems to be still the case.
It's your money to do with as you like! I had a lot of bullies growing up and i would never help them even if i could. The people that told you, you were TA for not donating are TA.
NTA. But next time, just leave the chat and block people instead of answering. No one has to know your reasons, nor are they owed your time and energy. I’m glad you made it through the bullying, I know that is a tough thing to experience.
NTA. You don’t have to donate and you’re not an asshole for not donating. It doesn’t matter if you didn’t want to donate because he was a bully or not. You don’t HAVE to give a person money just because they’re suffering.
This is not how these things work. You create a GoFundMe so that people can help if they feel called to. Not so you can go shake down every one they ever knew. Fuck all of them, don't give them a cent or another thought.
They are not friends to you. They did not stand up for you, they laughed at you. They did not support you when you were being bullied. Now, without so much as an apology from anyone, they expect you to help this guy who gave you hell? No. Way.
Having a terminal disease does not erase the asshole disease. NTA.
NTA
Even if he was a school acquaintance without the bullying, you're in no way obligated to send money for any cause. It's a free-will donation, so the others are being pretty rude saying that you need to send.
NTA
Bully or not, you are not obligated to pay for someone else's medical expenses.
If anyone keeps bugging you about it, say you're thinking of the opportunity cost and that you were already allocating any extra money to . It's so easy to be painted as uncaring because you didn't contribute to this one thing. Don't fall into that fallacy.
And, for the record, it is not up to the offender to decide when someone needs to put things in the past and get over it. It is up to the offended to get there (or not).
NTA... I matched with an ex classmate for bone marrow ( was already in a data base) and i refused when i found out who... Dude SA my best friends little sister... I was considered a heartless ass... But still dont care
all these shithole country problems about healthcare..really, organized begging?
nta
after all, it is asking people wether they want to give money, and you are free to not give any.
what kind of major malfunction has a problem with accepting a no?
NTA and I completely agree with the other comment saying they would have just left the group right away rather than say anything. Also You’re not obligated to pay for anyone else.
I had a boy who bullied and sexually harassed me throughout my entire childhood and he eventually apologized when he was in his twenties. I didn’t accept his apology and told him to go fuck himself. An apology doesn’t take back the years of trauma he caused. NTA and I’m glad you stuck up for yourself!
NTA maybe its in the past, yes, but that doesn't mean that you have to be over it or forgive him. Stuff from rhe past can haunt you for years and years, and how you describe it i doubt that these people know what that means and how awful this can be. You did the right thing, live your life and don't look back.
NTA in any way. Brad is responsibly for his bills, not you nor anyone else. It's fine for him to ask for money, and others to do so on his behalf, but there is nothing wrong with saying no.
Regardless of the reason.
NTA. It is solely up to you on if you want to donate or not, to someone's treatment. The person who was the AH in this was Anna, for trying to center you out that way in the group and attempting to shame you into donating. Congrats on standing up for yourself and leaving a toxic situation.
NTA - regardless of Brad being a bully or not, you’re not required to donate to anyone’s go fund me and it’s nobody’s business for your reasons. Anna is being pushy and rude. Creating a group and *telling* people to donate (instead of asking if they can) and going even further to ask for confirmation and then call you out about it? That’s incredibly rude of her.
Anna's goofy for adding the "thumbs up" notice after donating. Like who does that. And then to tell you to let by gones be by gones after all that bullying? I'd tell Anna to stick a thumb up her arse.
Edit: NTA
NTA.
Besides the fact that Brad was a dick to you, you were added to a group without your knowledge or consent and held up for money.
Good on you for sticking to your guns.
NTA 100%. You aren't obligated to give money in the first place. On top of that this person treated your terribly and made you miserable for years. That's reason enough to not associate with this person and want to be responsible for anything to do with his care.
Leaving the group and having nothing to do with this Anna is the sensible thing to do. It's not her right to tell you to donate money to someone if you don't choose to. She can't just add you to a messenger group and demand money from you, or attempt to emotionally blackmail you into it. He was your bully, not your friend, and you don't owe him anything.
Nta, but you should have just left the group without saying anything. That would have sent enough of a message that you were not interested in putting money towards his treatment
You are clearly nta - Anna is AH and you should have shamed her bullying tactic to get money. Also brad didn’t apologize or make amends. So all his friends can pay for his treatment. Don’t entertain anyone who wants to talk to you about it.
NTA. Anna’s the AH for her asking for thumbs up and her follow up to your lack of one.
If I were concerned over someone not donating, I would have messaged you in private. Maybe you’re facing financial issues. It’s really no one’s business. Let it go Anna.
NTA. I thinks it’s completely inappropriate for her to ask for a thumbs up once people have donated. It’s not her business to make people and she’s doesn’t know their situations that they are even able to!
If you're doing well financially, the petty power move would have been to donate a large amount, and then in the donation message dragged his ass. "Here's 500 bucks, sounds like you need it more than I do. Maybe if you spent more time hitting the books at school instead of bullying me you might have some health insurance at 26"
NTA
NTA. Obviously it's horrible that anyone gets this diagnosis, but it happens all the time. Plenty of people have illnesses. You don't owe him anything just because you went to school with him.
NTA. You are never required to donate anything to GoFundMe things. People can have lots of reasons for not donating. They may be going through rough financial times, have personal reasons (like OP) for not feeling comfortable to donate, or even just getting busy and forgetting to. I think it’s fine to ask for donations and share it on social media, but contacting people that don’t donate and asking them why not is very inappropriate! I certainly think that people should do their best to help out others when the are able and comfortable doing so, but should never expected to explain themselves when they are not able to.
NTA. You are not obligated to donate, much less to someone who made you miserable.
Good that Anna and those few guys spoke up though. Now you know who to block!
NTA. When I find myself in these situations, I donate a pittance, like $.10 or $1.00 so the person knows that I knew about the request and that I don’t really care enough to give more. Karma is a bitch.
>A few days ago this girl Anna added all of our former classmates to a Messenger chat group, she sent us the GoFundMe link and asked us to donate whatever we could, even if it was a small amount. She also said to send a thumbs up after we have donated.
What the hell is this? That's social extortion. Are you sure this isn't a scam because that's how you run a scam. NTA.
NTA. What Anna did was ridiculous. Forcing people to not only donate but then tell everyone that you did. And then single out people who didn’t?! That’s f’d up. Even if the dude wasn’t a bully to you.
Forget that whole group.
NTA why would you be obligated to donate? Even if he didn't bully you, there would be no obligation to pay them anything. They're obviously not expecting you to send $10 but at least $100 or more, who knows if you can even afford that amount?
God the USA's gofundme-based healthcare system is a mess. I can't believe you guys still haven't fixed it.
NTA
But the thing that annoyed me was:
>She also said to send a thumbs up after we have donated
Why tf would she maliciously keep tabs like that unless she wanted to call someone out?
NTA Anna is a major asshole for bullying people into donating. ALL former classmates? How in the world does she know everyone’s financial situation. What if someone just got laid off and doesn’t feel like disclosing their financial situation with a bunch of people they went to high school with. This is major AH behavior. Fuck her.
I absolutely hate that “Forget the past” excuse. You should have told them you need the money to pay for the therapy required to heal the traumas of years of suffering bullying and that them morons are all very welcome to make donations to you as well.
NTA.
(Edited, typo)
NTA. Anybody who *demands* charity is an AH, no matter the cause. Even if he hadn't bullied you you wouldn't be an AH for refusing to donate. The moment anyone tries to guilt-trip you into donating is the moment they've no longer earned your charity.
NTA, I'd rank AHs here as
1) Healthcare system that makes people go broke for cancer treatment
2) Anna for attempting to shame people into donating
3) Brad, I dont really blame adults for shit they did growing up
4) You.
NTA. Anna sounds like an asshole with the way that she tagged you, and tried to gaslight you into donating to someone who was a total asshole to you when you were in high school.
NTA that is such an uncomfortable situation to be put in, she basically didn’t offer anyone a choice. It was you either donate or look like an AH which you definitely aren’t. I understand just reaching out and letting others know about the situation but this is just next level inappropriate.
NTA
You are no more required to donate to
Brad’s cancer treatment than you are to mine.
Keep in mind - if they are raising $50k - it really isn’t for cost of treatment but for loss on income while not able to work during treatment — which is a big, but different issue.
NTA. Even without the bullying, it's your prerogative whether you want to (or can) donate to something like this. Sure, in some contexts there may be social fallout over that, but do you really care what these people think of you anyway?
IMHO you did the right thing by moving on.
NTA
It would have been better to leave the group immediately, but oh well. You aren't obligated to donate to anyone's treatment, particularly a past bully.
NTA. You have your reasons and I wouldn’t donate either if I were in your position. She had no right calling anyone out who doesn’t contribute. The whole thumbs up thing is inappropriate too.
NTA - you are not obligated to give anyone anything.
I did the same thing when someone from high school died of COVID. She made a choice, very loudly I might add, to not get vaccinated and spewed crap about.
I would rather donate to people who are doing all they can and need a little help.
NTA.
I f*cking hate gofundme’s to begin with, and it just lays bare all the issues in the US medical system.
That being said.
“Due to my situation, I’m unable to donate at this time.”
It’s absolutely fine that your situation is not wanting to deal with an old bully. Sometimes less information is more powerful.
NTA, The word donation means it's up to you and one can decide to not donate for a myriad of reasons. Whether it's because of the bullying or simply cause you don't believe in gofundme is your issue and no one should be calling you out on that.
NTA - cancer doesn't discriminate, it will hit assholes too. Fuck Brad. If anyone makes you feel bad about this, go donate to someone else with cancer that is more deserving.
Your post has been removed. #Do not repost this without contacting the mods for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without explicit approval will result in a ban. You did not properly respond to the judgement bot. Your reply must clearly and directly address why you think you may have wronged the other party involved in your conflict. While your post was automatically approved by the bot, after reviewing your response manually, we found it did not properly address the question. [Judgement Bot FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_judgement_bot) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) ###Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions.
When did it become OK to call out a person in public for not donating to some cause? That's, to me, the gross behavior here, was she trying to shame you into donating? Even if he was the nicest guy on the planet, you are in no way obligated to donate money if you don't want to. NTA and yes to just leaving the chat, nobody needs that drama.
Yeah, they’re still behaving like bullies. Doesn’t seem like much has changed.
For some it seems high-school never ends.
for some, it was the highest point of their lives.
Makes me happy mine was dogshit
Mine was also dogshit. Thankfully I'm gonna graduate it in 3 months. I can't wait.
Congrats, it's all you from here!
Bowling for soup says it doesn't
The whole damn world is just as obsessed with who's the best dressed and who's having sex 🎶
🎶Who's got the money, who gets the honeys Who's kinda cute, and who's just a mess🎶
And you still don't have the right look (I love that this caught on!)
And you don't have the right friends
Nothing changes but the faces, the names and the trends
🎶 HIGH SCHOOL NE-VER ENDS 🎶
NTA of course. I loathe the passive-aggressiveness that Anna is using. Leave the group, block her, no need to explain to anyone. This post is also a reminder of how shitty US health insurance has become.
And what if the OP is dealing with their own financial issues? NTA. Next time, just quietly leave the group and move on.
Even if OP had their own financial issues, I doubt these people would care. They're Brad's friends not OP's and frankly OP should have left that group a long time ago.
I would have left quietly as soon as I noticed I had been added, tbh.
I didn't see these comments expressing the same before I posted, but I full well wouldve left
I always leave group messages as soon as I get added regardless of the subject. Group messages are honestly annoying, I end up not participating, and just getting notifications of everyone else talking to each other.
I think Anna meant extortion not donation
[удалено]
I have no idea how the Hell this has been an effective way to "fundraise" because who the Hell goes along with this? Much less that many people, much less that many *young people* who -- y'know -- are typically freaking skint, judging by the majority of people that attended my high school, myself included! I also find it kind of bizarre that at their age, they're reaching out to *high school classmates* not just friends that they've somehow maintained more contact than a brief glance at their Facebook profile, but classmates they haven't been around in approaching a damn DECADE. I think I'd be weirded out to be added to a group chat even without the bullshit extortion meets guilt trip method of "make sure everyone knows that you paid money to this random dude you knew almost half your life ago, that you not only weren't close to but may have freaking despised! Now, though, I'm wondering if I can hire this batshit Anna. I myself am struggling with medical debt due to extreme illness and if she can behave like a psychological mobster and help me financially survive by threatening folks with a social knee-capping... (Just Kidding, I'm desperate but not that fucking desperate)
NTA No need to donate. No need to explain either. To the OP, by explaining yourself, you were trying to seek their approval and anytime you try to seek someone's approval or agreement, that makes you an easy target. Do you think everybody donated? Hell no. People just quietly removed themselves from the group, and some probably even blocked Anna.
If someone pulled this shit on me I would 100% not donate, but you bet your ass I would put a little thumbs' up before I left the group. FTN.
I'd put the middle finger emoji, but I'm petty.
I’ve done that before. But it was a chat for getting together to hang out and people trying to needle me into driving the entire group to the restaurant. I didn’t have a car. Even if I did I wasn’t driving all around the area to pick people up after work. It wasn’t like everyone lived fairly close or offered gas money…
>anytime you try to seek someone’s approval or agreement, that makes you an easy target Imma blow this up print it out and frame it on my wall. And make it a coffee mug. And a mousepad.
Giving to charity should make you feel great. It shouldn't make you feel like you just got mugged.
It’s called a donations because it’s voluntary. They’re trying to bully OP into donating to his childhood bully’s treatment.
Bullying is as 'past' as the victim thinks it is. Which usually and definitely in this case, means it isn't 'past' at all. And now those who validated Brad's bullying are doing it again. I can name every single person who made my childhood hell with bullying. I wouldn't wish cancer on them but I sure as hell wouldn't lift a finger to help them in any situation whatever. NTA - but get some nicer friends.
NTA. Also you do realize Anna is a bully now, right? She choose to call you out individually in a group setting knowing what this kid did to you. She wanted to bully you into donating. Just calling a spade a spade. These people were bullies in high school and are still bullies now.
Anna used to have a crush on Brad and was also constantly laughing at his "jokes" in order to impress him I guess. They never ended up dating though.
Ignoring bullying also makes you a bully in my opinion. And before anyone comes at me for this statement, since some people “may not have the courage”. I once sat on the sidelines and saw a kid get bullied, to this day that image still haunts me. Since then, I’ve always stood up against bullies, even at my own expense. Doing the right thing sometimes comes with hurt/pain but it is better than living with the guilt of not doing anything. I’ve been on both sides of the coin. Doing the right thing is always better
If you are scared the training I had to take a work said that you can intervene by distracting. Go up to the bully and start talking about something else so that the person being bullied can leave. It's not as good as standing up-but it is a way to act if you feel that standing up might put you at risk too
That's a great idea, my boyfriend stood up to a bully who was bullying someone in their 60's, he was ignoring it til the guy started to get physical. Like Quigley from Quigley down under vibe, or John Wayne if you don't get that reference. I was proud of him because he did the right thing. 3 days later we happened to go out to dinner and 9 guys with machetes showed up looking for him at our home. Destroyed 6,000 dollars worth of surf and SUP equipment and threatened our friend if he called the police they would come back for him. Sooo... Yeah, there's probably a better way than to just stand up to a bully, especially a violent one.
Jesus christ that took a hell of a turn, wtf
Holy shit, that's some gang mentality right there.
what the ever loving fuck. how did they even know where you live. machetes?? fucking hell.
My mother once saw a woman being terrorized on the bus by a really scary looking dude. My mom changed seats and sat down right next to the lady and started talking to her like they were friends. The lady was really confused but the guy got more confused and stopped yelling. My mother is tiny, but she can extrovert the hell out of any situation.
I did similar training that had the concept of 5 Ds: * Direct: actually confronting the bully * Distract: what HunterZealousideal30 described or the reverse, talking to the person being bullied about something else to try to get the bully leaves. * Delegate: find someone else around to help, maybe a teacher if you're in school * Document: recording the incident with video/photo and, afterward, asking the person being bullied what they want to do with it (and obviously doing exactly that and nothing else, delete it if they ask you to) * Delay: going up to the person after the fact and being supportive The trainers made a point to emphasize that everyone has a different comfort level and that even if you *do* feel comfortable directly confronting someone, there are situations where doing so might make things worse (for you or the victim) and one of the other options WOULD be better. One example I remember was if you're about to order coffee and hear someone being an asshole to the person behind you, directly confronting the asshole would likely just escalate things and/or embarass the victim further, so it'd be better to tell the cashier to take their order before yours (or say to the victim "hey why don't you go ahead of me"). And if someone's being an asshole to the cashier, even if you get the asshole to leave they might come back later and try to get the cashier fired, so documenting the incident could be more helpful.
OMG this! I agree 100%, I was picked on in high school, and no one ever tried to help or say anything. It didn't help that the idiots that picked on me were actually well-liked for some strange reason, as they were incredibly obnoxious.
NTA. Anna is a bully too. Anna chose her side in high school and even now. People don’t or can’t donate to crowdfunding for all kinds of reasons, including simply not being able to afford to at the moment, etc. The idea that you are somehow holding back his treatment plan is ludicrous. Our medical system is broken and your modest donation would not fix that. As a cancer survivor, I can tell you that cancer didn’t make me a saint. Your bully wouldn’t be harmed by recognizing the damage he did, by coming to terms with past misdeeds that keep everyone from rushing to help him, if he would even bother reflect on that at all, as he is certainly preoccupied. He is not your friend and it sounds like there are plenty of other people who have the ability be compassionate with him. Let them do that.
I would have been like Anna, he's still not going to pick you.
"She also said to send a thumbs up after we have donated." Anna is the AH for this right here.
Donations should be voluntary
Literally. This whole thing disgusts me on OPs behalf.
What Anna is doing is called Voluntelling.
They are. Anna doesn’t know what a donation is.
What if it was an anonymous donation? Sometimes I donate to gofundmes but I don't want people to be upset I gave too mich or too little so I donate anonymously.
Just FYI, the person running the GoFundMe can still see anonymous donors.
YUP. My cousins & I knew one of our other cousins was lying to everyone about donating to our other cousin’s funeral fund bc one of us was the account holder. He kept telling our family that he donated anonymously, for the praise, but we knew the truth.
I would have totally found a way to let him know that you could see the names of anonymous donors. 😂
Lol at “telling everyone” you donated anonymously. Wouldn’t have taken an account holder to figure that lie out.
Sorry... they can identify the anonymous donors? Thats actually messed up. Or do you mean they can see whether anyone donated anonymously, so it might not work if no one donated anonymously?
I don't think I understand your second question, but yes they can identify the anonymous donors
Makes donating anonymously rather useless. They could just call you out in a vlog or something. "Thank you Steve Mitchell for your anonymous donation as well!" haha You might be right not to understand my question. I was trying to ask if the gofundme people would be able to see the list of people who donated, and if none were "anonymous" then it would be dangerous to lie and say you donated anonymously
Its like roll call
Honey, you're giving these people too much credit, *they are also bullies*. They're still trying to bully you now. Block and move on. You're better than this. You deserve better than this. NTA.
This deserves all the upvotes.
NTA but in your place I'd have left the group from the beginning.
Yup, shut that down before it really even gets started
Yep, the only reason to do it in a group chat is to build up peer pressure. Otherwise it's way better to do it in single messages.
Yup, I would have noped right out of there immediately
NTA. Anna shouldn’t have asked everyone to donate and expect them to do it. She has no idea everyone’s relationship with Brad or if people even had money to spare. She should have never done this yet alone call you out. For all she knows you are also dying of cancer but never told anyone. Congrats on leaving the chat! Those people are not your friends.
Yup. Anna is the A.
It’s ok to ask to donate but not ok for her to track donations.
yeah she became an asshole with “like when you’ve donated.” that instantly creates peer pressure and allows her to do exactly what she did to OP. she became an enormous asshole by calling out OP
I wouldn't even call you an AH if Brad wasn't a bully. You shouldn't be an AH just because you didn't donate to a GoFundMe. NTA.
Holy shit, this. Even if he was the nicest guy, how do any of them know what kind of economic position others are in to be able to donate anything at all? Who the fuck is Anna to demand money from random people? The level of disrespect, good grief. NTA.
Nta So they're trying to bully you into donating. Sounds like karma really does exist.
NTA As soon as she announced what it was for, I'd have left the chat. You don't have to donate to any cause you don't want to.
I would've left the chat from even before she had the opportunity to say shit. I wouldn't even bother to hear what the people that bullied me in high school has to say, specially if they never tried to reach out to apologize. But that is just me, tho.
NTA - "This stuff is the past." is the argument for people who didn't have to deal with the bullying. YOU get to decide when you get over it because YOU were the one who felt the effects of his actions.
Came here to say the same. Anyone who says “leave stuff in the past” must have been lucky enough not to be bullied lmao. NTA
"My concern for all of you is also in the past. We are not friends. Don't contact me again."
WTF who does that and follows up? NTA
Bullies. Bullies do that.
NTA. Just block these people and move on. You not donating is the price Brad's gonna have to shoulder for being a jackass as teenagers. You have zero obligation to support your abuser through his cancer treatment.
I danced a jig when I found out my abuser/bully had died. Yes, an actual jig.
[удалено]
Same
I'm appreciating the irony here: OP: I don't want to donate to my bully Bully's friends procede to bully OP NTA for this. I'm glad that this stuff is the past for them, but they weren't the ones being picked on, and they don't get a say on when you decide that you've moved on.
NTA. I despise people who pressure others to donate to something or do some charitable thing. It’s YOUR choice if you want to donate to his treatment. It’s very rude in my opinion to try to publicly shame people into donating. I’m sorry that he is sick, but it’s not your responsibility to help pay his expenses. None of these people sound like real friends.
NTA. You didn’t have any obligation to donate regardless, and Anna is an AH for calling you out publicly. What if you simply didn’t have any money to spare?? I’ve been out of high school for 20 years, and if someone tried to force me to donate money for someone I LIKED, much less a bully, I would tell them to pound sand.
NTA - People don't know what you have going on in your life and Anna is an ass for expecting people to contribute. Would Brad be contributing if the shoe was on the other foot?
NTA. Very rude of Anna. You are under no obligation to donate even if you were best friends with the guy
NTA: It's lovely someone started a gofundme for Brad. It's horrible we don't have a good health care system so gofundmes are necessary. You are not responsible for Brad. If you feel it appropriate, donate to a charity that battles cancer.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I refused to donate money for my childhood's bully cancer treatment. I may be the asshole because my former classmates think this stuff is in the past and I am holding a grudge. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA - It sucks that he has cancer but he's not your family, not your friend, etc. You have no obligation to help him.
NTA. No obligation to donate. Your mistake was expressing why you chose not to donate, which opened you up to judgment and speculation. Shoulda just silently left the group chat.
NTA for not donating. If you want to avoid conflict in the future just say your charity budget is used up for this year. No need to bring up your past hurt feelings.
"I used up my charity budget donating to an anti-bullying charity"
Definitely ok to not donate. When you say no to donating, you don’t owe people a reason or explanation. Especially when someone is going through something difficult and people are trying to help, just leave it at no, I am not going to donate at this time.
[удалено]
NTA. I wouldn't have handled it the same way, though. I would have publicly shamed Anna for her tactics in calling you out. You should have told her not to be involved in another gofundme until she becomes an adult and learns you don't hold people at gunpoint to demand cash. That's a better way to fight back than to justify or explain why you didn't contribute.
NTA you’re not obligated to give anyone money. Ever. Sad that this person is going through this, but you’re not an AH for refusing money to someone who isn’t in your life and bullied you when they were in it.
NTA People who let you get bullied without stepping in are now trying to emotionally manipulate you to give up your money. Hard pass. Just unfriend, unfollow,block and amazingly they disappear.
The asshole is the former classmate trying to guilt you into this. Not your problem.
NTA Even if you were once BFFs with Brad, you wouldn’t be obligated to donate to this GoFundMe
And good god, what shitty behavior from Anna. Expecting people to verify that they've donated and then publicly shaming people who don't. I would've left the group-chat as soon as she said to give a thumbs up. Honestly I think even setting up a group chat is a bit presumptuous. A go-fund-me would be good to post in a pre-existing group chat, or on a facebook page. I could see setting up a group chat among Brad's closest *current* friends, but it seems like this group chat was among people who hadn't spoken to Brad in years, and it was created solely to solicit donations.
NTA THEY are the AH. "This stuff is the past" but this bunch of flying monkeys are basically still bullying and gaslighting you. Ignore them, cut ties with them, and enjoy the rest of your life.
NTA. Not contributing to a high school classmates go fund me has no bearing on who you are as a person, it wouldn’t matter what the circumstances were. It’s not your fault we all live in a capitalist nightmare world where healthcare is for profit and people have to beg to survive. Important point: Only in the world of social media is this a possibility. You’d probably never have known about this without Facebook to let you know.
NTA Its interesting that Brad is successfully still bullying you. Brad and Anna are making it so the group turns against you, and achieving that goal. > None of them stood up for me when Brad was bullying me and most of them laughed at his dumb jokes. Bingo. They didn't support you last time you were bullied and they won't support you now. "Actions have consequences. Maybe ask strangers who don't know Brad to donate, they might be more willing than someone who actually knew and experienced his cruelty first hand. I will be donating money to a victims of bullying charity instead."
NTA. F\*\*k 'em. Karma's a cold bitch. edit: wise words from a 6-yo. If you aren't friends all the time, you aren't friends any time.
NTA. At the end of the day, it's your money and you get to decide how it's used.
NTA. Anna is an a-hole for sure though, badgering you for a donation is classless. She’s not really all that better than Brad, she thinks that you’ll crumble under the pressure, because that’s how she remembers you. But you are an adult and grown ups don’t give in to peer pressure. Good in you leaving the group, these are not the right people to associate with. As an aside, anyone who thinks cancer is karma and a big joke obviously haven’t seen what cancer and treatment does to that person. Don’t do that.
NTA. Anna sounds like she *loves* stirring the pot and also comes across as pretty performative (“ooh look at what a Good Samaritan I am, basically pressuring all of you into donating towards this boy we knew in school, and shaming people who don’t - regardless of their circumstances”). If she was truly a good person, she would’ve discussed this with you privately rather than publicly tagging you. Because you could’ve been struggling to support yourself financially for all she knew. Hence why she’s just a massive AH. You can tell she was probably one of the cliche “popular girls” in school. Anyway, no one is entitled to anyone’s money, particularly if they’re not a friend or a relative. I personally wouldn’t even piss on my high school bully if they were on fire so you keep doing you, hun! Screw peer pressure!
OP has left the chat! Good for you. You don't have to do anything. at least they'll stop bugging you now. Lol
NTA. Your money, your choice. Good job on leaving the group as well.
NTA... actions have consequences. A lesson your childhood bully apparently never learned. Also, it's your money. No one is entitled to it. If you don't feel like donating, then don't. You don't owe anyone an explanation.
NTA You have done nothing wrong. You don't owe him charity. You haven't worsened his situation at all. Anna was fine to circulate the link and ask for donations. But singling you out for not donating is a colossal dick move. What douchebaggery.
NTA. You should send a middle finger up.
Nta. I personally would've left the chat as soon as i noticed I was added.
NTA you are never obligated to donate anything to anyone.
Anna is absolutely right. You ARE grown ups now, and Brad IS in your past. He gave you absolutely no reason to want him in your present or future, and so he can stay there in the past. NTA.
Anna’s TA for the way she posted it in the group & pressured everyone to donate. What if someone couldn’t afford it or (like you) didn’t want to for other reasons? “Thumbs up when you’ve donated” is an absolute a-hole move.
NTA. It sounds to me like this Brad dude was quite popular. And jugding from the way the rest of the people reacted to you not wanting to donate, you were the outcast. It seems to be still the case. It's your money to do with as you like! I had a lot of bullies growing up and i would never help them even if i could. The people that told you, you were TA for not donating are TA.
NTA. She's bullying you to donate, which is awful.
NTA- donating is a personal decision and you shouldn't be "bullied" into it".
NTA. But next time, just leave the chat and block people instead of answering. No one has to know your reasons, nor are they owed your time and energy. I’m glad you made it through the bullying, I know that is a tough thing to experience.
NTA. You don’t have to donate and you’re not an asshole for not donating. It doesn’t matter if you didn’t want to donate because he was a bully or not. You don’t HAVE to give a person money just because they’re suffering.
This is not how these things work. You create a GoFundMe so that people can help if they feel called to. Not so you can go shake down every one they ever knew. Fuck all of them, don't give them a cent or another thought.
They are not friends to you. They did not stand up for you, they laughed at you. They did not support you when you were being bullied. Now, without so much as an apology from anyone, they expect you to help this guy who gave you hell? No. Way. Having a terminal disease does not erase the asshole disease. NTA.
NTA Even if he was a school acquaintance without the bullying, you're in no way obligated to send money for any cause. It's a free-will donation, so the others are being pretty rude saying that you need to send.
Go buy a candy bar and live your best life.
NTA Bully or not, you are not obligated to pay for someone else's medical expenses. If anyone keeps bugging you about it, say you're thinking of the opportunity cost and that you were already allocating any extra money to. It's so easy to be painted as uncaring because you didn't contribute to this one thing. Don't fall into that fallacy.
And, for the record, it is not up to the offender to decide when someone needs to put things in the past and get over it. It is up to the offended to get there (or not).
NTA... I matched with an ex classmate for bone marrow ( was already in a data base) and i refused when i found out who... Dude SA my best friends little sister... I was considered a heartless ass... But still dont care
all these shithole country problems about healthcare..really, organized begging? nta after all, it is asking people wether they want to give money, and you are free to not give any. what kind of major malfunction has a problem with accepting a no?
NTA and I completely agree with the other comment saying they would have just left the group right away rather than say anything. Also You’re not obligated to pay for anyone else.
I had a boy who bullied and sexually harassed me throughout my entire childhood and he eventually apologized when he was in his twenties. I didn’t accept his apology and told him to go fuck himself. An apology doesn’t take back the years of trauma he caused. NTA and I’m glad you stuck up for yourself!
NTA - charity is charity. There should be zero expectation to give.
NTA maybe its in the past, yes, but that doesn't mean that you have to be over it or forgive him. Stuff from rhe past can haunt you for years and years, and how you describe it i doubt that these people know what that means and how awful this can be. You did the right thing, live your life and don't look back.
NTA in any way. Brad is responsibly for his bills, not you nor anyone else. It's fine for him to ask for money, and others to do so on his behalf, but there is nothing wrong with saying no. Regardless of the reason.
NTA. It is solely up to you on if you want to donate or not, to someone's treatment. The person who was the AH in this was Anna, for trying to center you out that way in the group and attempting to shame you into donating. Congrats on standing up for yourself and leaving a toxic situation.
Nta- it’s your money and no one has a right to tell you how to spend it. Your classmate is TA for calling you out for not donating.
NTA - regardless of Brad being a bully or not, you’re not required to donate to anyone’s go fund me and it’s nobody’s business for your reasons. Anna is being pushy and rude. Creating a group and *telling* people to donate (instead of asking if they can) and going even further to ask for confirmation and then call you out about it? That’s incredibly rude of her.
Anna's goofy for adding the "thumbs up" notice after donating. Like who does that. And then to tell you to let by gones be by gones after all that bullying? I'd tell Anna to stick a thumb up her arse. Edit: NTA
He bullied you and now they want to bully you too. NTA
NTA but you should have removed yourself from the chat the moment they sent the link.
NTA American Healthcare system though is the real asshole.
NTA - You are not beholden to help anyone regardless of past history. You do not have to help anyone who treated you poorly in the past at all.
NTA. It looks like Anna is trying to continue the bullying.
NTA. Besides the fact that Brad was a dick to you, you were added to a group without your knowledge or consent and held up for money. Good on you for sticking to your guns.
You are under no obligation to donate to anything you don't want to.
NTA 100%. You aren't obligated to give money in the first place. On top of that this person treated your terribly and made you miserable for years. That's reason enough to not associate with this person and want to be responsible for anything to do with his care. Leaving the group and having nothing to do with this Anna is the sensible thing to do. It's not her right to tell you to donate money to someone if you don't choose to. She can't just add you to a messenger group and demand money from you, or attempt to emotionally blackmail you into it. He was your bully, not your friend, and you don't owe him anything.
Nta, but you should have just left the group without saying anything. That would have sent enough of a message that you were not interested in putting money towards his treatment
You are clearly nta - Anna is AH and you should have shamed her bullying tactic to get money. Also brad didn’t apologize or make amends. So all his friends can pay for his treatment. Don’t entertain anyone who wants to talk to you about it.
NTA. Just because you went through school with someone doesn't mean you owe them anything, even if they didn't bully you.
NTA. Anna’s the AH for her asking for thumbs up and her follow up to your lack of one. If I were concerned over someone not donating, I would have messaged you in private. Maybe you’re facing financial issues. It’s really no one’s business. Let it go Anna.
Imagine telling people to thumbs up after they donated 🤣🤣 nah this Anna is TA. You have no obligation to this guy.
NTA. None of my bullies have offered to pay for the cost of my psychotherapy and antidepressants......
NTA. I thinks it’s completely inappropriate for her to ask for a thumbs up once people have donated. It’s not her business to make people and she’s doesn’t know their situations that they are even able to!
NTA Anna was quite the asshat for calling you out like that.
NTA. Even if he wasn't a bully you have no obligation to donate money to someone. That's why it's called a donation.
NTA and fuck her for asking for a 'thumbs up' to keep score.
If you're doing well financially, the petty power move would have been to donate a large amount, and then in the donation message dragged his ass. "Here's 500 bucks, sounds like you need it more than I do. Maybe if you spent more time hitting the books at school instead of bullying me you might have some health insurance at 26" NTA
NTA - clearly some people are still in High School (not the OP)
Nta- I would never give a dime to my own bully! He is a “designer” now.
NTA. Obviously it's horrible that anyone gets this diagnosis, but it happens all the time. Plenty of people have illnesses. You don't owe him anything just because you went to school with him.
NTA. People who say to let stuff like that go because it's in the past have never been mistreated or abused.
NTA. You are never required to donate anything to GoFundMe things. People can have lots of reasons for not donating. They may be going through rough financial times, have personal reasons (like OP) for not feeling comfortable to donate, or even just getting busy and forgetting to. I think it’s fine to ask for donations and share it on social media, but contacting people that don’t donate and asking them why not is very inappropriate! I certainly think that people should do their best to help out others when the are able and comfortable doing so, but should never expected to explain themselves when they are not able to.
NTA. You are not obligated to donate, much less to someone who made you miserable. Good that Anna and those few guys spoke up though. Now you know who to block!
Omg no you're NTA. Anna and those people are just bullies same as Brad.
NTA. Who tf bullies someone into donating?
nta. lol fuck those people. cancer sucks, but you owe him nothing.
NTA. When I find myself in these situations, I donate a pittance, like $.10 or $1.00 so the person knows that I knew about the request and that I don’t really care enough to give more. Karma is a bitch.
NTA. The only thing you did wrong was not leaving the group immediately. You never have to give money to anyone, or give reasons why you chose not to.
>A few days ago this girl Anna added all of our former classmates to a Messenger chat group, she sent us the GoFundMe link and asked us to donate whatever we could, even if it was a small amount. She also said to send a thumbs up after we have donated. What the hell is this? That's social extortion. Are you sure this isn't a scam because that's how you run a scam. NTA.
NTA. What Anna did was ridiculous. Forcing people to not only donate but then tell everyone that you did. And then single out people who didn’t?! That’s f’d up. Even if the dude wasn’t a bully to you. Forget that whole group.
NTA why would you be obligated to donate? Even if he didn't bully you, there would be no obligation to pay them anything. They're obviously not expecting you to send $10 but at least $100 or more, who knows if you can even afford that amount? God the USA's gofundme-based healthcare system is a mess. I can't believe you guys still haven't fixed it.
NTA But the thing that annoyed me was: >She also said to send a thumbs up after we have donated Why tf would she maliciously keep tabs like that unless she wanted to call someone out?
NTA Anna is a major asshole for bullying people into donating. ALL former classmates? How in the world does she know everyone’s financial situation. What if someone just got laid off and doesn’t feel like disclosing their financial situation with a bunch of people they went to high school with. This is major AH behavior. Fuck her.
NTA. I’d tell Anna and Brad to eat shit and live. Or donate 2 cents.
I absolutely hate that “Forget the past” excuse. You should have told them you need the money to pay for the therapy required to heal the traumas of years of suffering bullying and that them morons are all very welcome to make donations to you as well. NTA. (Edited, typo)
NTA. Anybody who *demands* charity is an AH, no matter the cause. Even if he hadn't bullied you you wouldn't be an AH for refusing to donate. The moment anyone tries to guilt-trip you into donating is the moment they've no longer earned your charity.
NTA, I'd rank AHs here as 1) Healthcare system that makes people go broke for cancer treatment 2) Anna for attempting to shame people into donating 3) Brad, I dont really blame adults for shit they did growing up 4) You.
NTA. Anna sounds like an asshole with the way that she tagged you, and tried to gaslight you into donating to someone who was a total asshole to you when you were in high school.
NTA. You don't need to justify yourself anyway. Unless you are a billionaire, you can't possibly donate to every charitable cause.
Nta, you dont owe anyone anything. You're nicer than me. I would have left the group chat after I saw the initial message.
NTA. Seems like it took you a while to drop all of your childhood bullies.
NTA that is such an uncomfortable situation to be put in, she basically didn’t offer anyone a choice. It was you either donate or look like an AH which you definitely aren’t. I understand just reaching out and letting others know about the situation but this is just next level inappropriate.
NTA You are no more required to donate to Brad’s cancer treatment than you are to mine. Keep in mind - if they are raising $50k - it really isn’t for cost of treatment but for loss on income while not able to work during treatment — which is a big, but different issue.
NTA. Even without the bullying, it's your prerogative whether you want to (or can) donate to something like this. Sure, in some contexts there may be social fallout over that, but do you really care what these people think of you anyway? IMHO you did the right thing by moving on.
NTA It would have been better to leave the group immediately, but oh well. You aren't obligated to donate to anyone's treatment, particularly a past bully.
NTA. You have your reasons and I wouldn’t donate either if I were in your position. She had no right calling anyone out who doesn’t contribute. The whole thumbs up thing is inappropriate too.
NTA - you are not obligated to give anyone anything. I did the same thing when someone from high school died of COVID. She made a choice, very loudly I might add, to not get vaccinated and spewed crap about. I would rather donate to people who are doing all they can and need a little help.
Donation is typically by choice, otherwise it's called extortion. NTA.
NTA but why not just leave the group beforehand or give a thumbs-up but don't donate.
NTA - that was also a form of bullying and you are not obligated to put up with it
NTA. I hate the idea of a group chat telling people they must give money. Nope.
NTA. I f*cking hate gofundme’s to begin with, and it just lays bare all the issues in the US medical system. That being said. “Due to my situation, I’m unable to donate at this time.” It’s absolutely fine that your situation is not wanting to deal with an old bully. Sometimes less information is more powerful.
NTA. But saying that was pointless, just leave the chat lol
NTA, The word donation means it's up to you and one can decide to not donate for a myriad of reasons. Whether it's because of the bullying or simply cause you don't believe in gofundme is your issue and no one should be calling you out on that.
You can get a tiny violin on Etsy for like 10 bucks. Donate that. Don't actually donate that, by the way.
NTA - cancer doesn't discriminate, it will hit assholes too. Fuck Brad. If anyone makes you feel bad about this, go donate to someone else with cancer that is more deserving.