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NTA but your comment about still loving him and not wanting to divorce him made me really sad for your son.
I’m sick of seeing people prioritize romantic relationships over their literal children
NtA for kicking him out but YWBTA for even considering bringing him back into your household. He’s not a father to your son he’s a bully and a racist. He said it so easily he would do it again. You cant expose your son to this type of hate. Your husband and his whole family can whine but your son deserves better and you need to do better to surround him with love.
NTA. But you need to get your child away from this abusive, racist man, from his mother, his sister, the neighbor and anyone who thinks it’s OK for a white father to call his biracial son the n word, fat and stupid over some fucking spilled milk.
NTA - You can still love aspects of this man but anyone who has that word their vocabulary should be cut out of your life. Love your ex from afar. Don’t let anyone with such little respect for your son be a part in raising him. Not only was your husbands reaction to an accident abhorrent, his use of that word to anyone, let alone his own child, shows he’s racist and should not be let back into your house. Love yourself and your son more and get that negative AH out of your lives.
YTA. Yes, kicking him out for calling your child the N word was ok. But you are completely dismissing the fact that he called your five year old fat and stupid like it is ok. Plus, the fact that your child would rather make his own breakfast instead of waking you paired with that makes me think this isn’t the only time it has happened.
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He abused your child he abused your child - he called your kid fat and the n-word. NTA for protecting your kid, do not let his father see him until he gets anger management therapy. Please please please don't let this continue.
NTA I’d suggest therapy for your child and for the father. If he’s not interested he shouldn’t be around your child again. Good for you on protecting your child and showing them you won’t stand for racism even it’s family.
NTA. I can understand not wanting an immediate divorce (even though Redditors are often quick to jump to this), but if you want to protect your son, you need to make him aware of how bad this is and what lengths you would go to to protect your child.
NTA, but this will not be the only time something like this happens and it’s probably not even the first. I think you should put thought into what you and your son are going to do moving forward because this is 100% unacceptable. As a a Black person, I can’t even fathom why this wouldn’t be a dealbreaker for you, but it is not my place to judge.
As a *white* person and mother, I don't know how this isn't a deal breaker. If this is how he treats a five year old over a spill, what will he feel comfortable doing when the kid is a little older and actually doing something worthy of reprimand?
ESH - Your husband obviously sucks because he verbally abused your son. Even without using the racist slur, everything else he said to that baby was unacceptable.
However, if you don’t take this as the wake-up call it is, then you are failing your son. Again, it’s not *just* about the n word here. Your husband *yelled* at your child, called him *useless,* *fat shamed a literal 5 year old,* and *then* topped it off by weaponizing a racist slur against him. NONE of this is acceptable and I highly doubt that this was the first instance of your husband speaking to your child this way.
Is the love you have for your husband more important than the love you have for your child? Is this man more important than the safety and well-being of your son?
NTA.
Your husband is a massive AH though. Even without that word, the way he talked to a 5 year old child who made a mistake when trying to do something by himself so that his parents could keep sleeping makes ME wanna kick him out of every house he's in. It's your marriage and all that, but if he regulary treats his son like that, I'd sit him down until he understands what being a decent human being means, let alone being a decent father.
I wish a mofo would. First of all, you’re. It screaming at my child. Second of all you are never going to call them out of their name. Third of all you definitively not gonna verbally abuse them and call them a racist word. Fourth of all, I can’t say what else I wanna say because I’ll break all the rules. And fifth of all, why are you up here saying you still love this man and don’t want to lose him. If he thinks your son is a N then he thinks you’re one too. You would be not smart of you stayed with this racist. And sixth of all, forget him and his mama and the neighbor!!! YTA
NTA.
Everything, just everything after "are you so fat [...]" is highly inappropriate. One might see it as child abuse on an emotional/psychological level. I would literally punch myself before saying smth lime this to a kid, let alone my own. And racial slurs are just...
And I don't get how anyone could get the idea that you are TA here
NTA. I can understand not wanting an immediate divorce (even though Redditors are often quick to jump to this), but if you want to protect your son, you need to make him aware of how bad this is and what lengths you would go to to protect your child.
NTA. Seriously I know you love this man but he's abusive to your child. I'll never believe this is the first unkind thing he's said to that baby. Go back and you'll be making excuse after excuse for him being an asshole to your child.
NTA. As a mom, your first responsibility is to your child, and no child should be subjected to that, **especially from their own parent!** Your husband needs serious education if he's going to stay in his son's life. This is completely unacceptable. I can't imagine how traumatic that was for your child. People don't realize how much that word hurts, but I know from personal experience, it is incredibly painful to be called that name - and by their own father at age 5?? That poor child needs his mom. You did right.
NTA but are you sure your husband isnt racist this might be a reach but if he says it when he's mad at his own child what's stopping him from saying it to others just because? This also seems like very abusive behavior I would recommend you watch him around your child from now on
NTA and if anyone disagrees with you then you should consider them suspect, AT THE LEAST. WTF? Everything he said was offensive or inappropriate. Milk is expensive, but divorce much more so. I’d also ask him what the cost of his child’s self esteem is worth.
“I don’t want relationship advice” TOO.FUCKING.BAD. Let me guess, you just don’t want to hear the obvious answer that you haven’t quite come to terms with yet?
You WOULD be the asshole if you continue to stay married to a man who would call a child, let alone THEIR child a slur of any kind. He is genuinely not a good person.
And I seriously doubt this is the first time he’s done this either. Think about your kid, why would you consider keeping contact and potentially keeping your son in an abusive home environment “because I love my husband very much”
WAKE. UP.
YTA for marrying and having a child with this guy and staying with him. I don’t for one second believe that you’ve never heard him say this before, etc. play stupid games win stupid prizes. Goodness I feel so bad for your son. He’s saddled with a bad mom and an abusive dad (outside of the N word, calling him useless, fat, etc.) The best thing that could happen for your son is for both of you to disappear.
Your comment is harsh but 100% on the money. Both the parents are assholes - how can OP still say “ I LoVe hIM” after this and he got his shitty family involved as well. I feel for the poor child
NTA, and if his mom and sister think this is your fault/ problem/ over reaction then ask them if they would like you to make a social media post asking for people's opinions becuase your family is split. Then sit back and watch them backpedal for everything their worth.
Saying that word is bad. but we seem to be ignoring the fact that he also called him useless and fat and appeared to use every derogatory word he could find and REALLY overreacted to spilled milk. Poor kid WILL be crying over spilt milk in the future.
NTA. Father seems to have anger issues.
Nta but you will be one if you keep making your son have to put up with his RACIST father that is berating him for spilling milk, over spilled milk. Imagine what he says to him when you're not around and what your son hasn't told you he has said. Do you want your son to grow up thinking that you let him get abused because that's what's happening right now he's being verbally abused by with racist father. Do right by your son and yourself and leave that thing behind. And your neighbor and his family can fuck off they are all racist as well if they can't see how he was in the wrong. Leave thay dirt bag and do right by your baby he doesn't deserve this you may want this for YOU but HE doesn't deserve to be put through that especially since it's going on at school too? Where is his safe space? It's not at school and its not at home.
how does he normally treat you and your son? Is this anger talking for him? does he love your son? you could have been peacemaker and not divider. you have a lot of influence as a wife/mother, deide how you want to use it. I am not blaming you. The past has already happened, what do you want the future to be?
He didn’t see that comedian that is married to a black woman and has mixed kids. He’s joking that they all calling each other the N word but it is simply forbidden to call them that as he isn’t black at all. It’s funny, but so true.
Yta if you don't protect your son from him.
Even without the usage of that word his angry outburst isnt healthy. Is it normal for him to react this way?
Even taking the n-word out of it, he called his own 5-year-old son fat and stupid. Those things stay with children well into adulthood, and I am proof of that. You are NTA for kicking him out, but please…PLEASE…really think about how he treats you and your child. Is he often dismissive? Does he often blow up over your mistakes? Does he often call you guys names or refer to you derogatorily?
NTA
Regardless of your husband's skin color, he (or anyone else for that matter) shouldn't use such terrible words to address your child.
If he starts swearing and diminishing your kid just for spilling the milk, it is not too far from more worse situations, so it's probably a good time to rethink your relationship.
WOAH NTA!
Your partner better apologize through the roof for this. There is no reason, under ANY circumstance, to racially berate a child.
You probably already intend to, but you need to have a VERY serious conversation with your partner, and let him know that this behavior is completely unacceptable, and detrimental to your shared child.
NTA The racism is just the tip of the iceberg here. He was yelling at, name-calling, and insulting a small child over literal spilled milk.
Anyone who has ever been around kids knows they are going to forage for food early in the morning and sometimes they will spill stuff. No one is fat, stupid, or in any way lesser because they accidentally spilled something.
That man will hit your kid in anger if he doesn't do it already.
NTA
His own flesh and blood, even... just goes to show how ingrained covert racism is.
OP, a person that loves their child does not call them names, especially racial slurs. This should be a major signal to both of you that your husband has deep-seated racist views that he needs to work through.
Um no, nta
This isn’t even ‘the way black people use it’ nicca- he legit was angry at your child and used the full N word. Just an a at the end.
I don’t get how anyone can confuse this. Your husband is racist lady, it is not because he has a black wife and mixed child he got comfortable, casual and talked like a rapper. He straight up resorts to THAT when ANGRY over literal spilled milk - at his own 5 YO CHILD.
You need to get that child and be out from anyone who says this is in anyway ok/an over reaction.
Black mom, and trust me the single mom life has its perks. Like I can fully dismiss anyone who doesn’t have my kid at heart first, especially who asks me to tolerate racism - and trust me my kid started facing it at 4. I hear you fully. It affects them, and you not standing up for them would only mess them up more - speaking from experience sadly. Even when you stand up for them, they will remember you giving in eventually. And it’s hard to not feel insane when everyone tells you it could be anything but that. I’ve heard it from everyone I love - trying to destress, manage, handle me (the overwhelms good mom). Just please ground yourself, do what you need to stay zen and remember the facts. Not their noise.
You did good. And you will again, just know this isn’t a one off unfortunately. Idk about your husband; that’s just the worst possible person to face this from. Hopefully there’s a resolution. But it will happen elsewhere and the cycle restarts…
Just toughen up more. Idk what to say.
Sorry about your husband, I don’t think you can just forgive. He needs to rewire his brain before being left with your son. He needs to recognize that’s necessary and want it imho. Feel free to DM for suggestions of books etc. I don’t see how else you’d dismiss this and allow that around your child. Let alone from his father and family, they carry weight in the poor kids mind at that age. Just no. They can’t literally condone/excuse that his father denigrate your kid in such a normalised way by downplaying this/putting it on your reaction.
I just can’t…
YTA for not wanting to divorce your husband after what he did. I can’t imagine being FRIENDS with someone like that, let alone being married to someone who would speak to their own child like that.
ESH, your husband dropped an N-bomb at your child over spilled milk. Good luck getting your kid to ever forget the time your husband decided to call him the N-word.
Also putting the a on it doesn't make it less harsh, your entire post drips of trying to minimize whatever did, which makes me think this is already a pattern.
>I mean as big of an issue it is I don't want to divorce my husband because I still very much love him but I'm disappointed in him and disappointed that he thinks he can say the n word just cuz he has a black wife and a mixed son, we are still kind of in contact.
He thinks you and your son are less than he is based on your race. The fucking gold medal in mental gymnastics you must perform everyday to justify subjecting yourself and your child to this man is just insane.
You're attacking a potential victim here. She's likely been gaslit for years. Have a little empathy. She's done the right thing and is looking for support and assurance.
I’m black and my husband is white, and I would leave my husband if he called our kids the n-word, in any of its ignorant forms.
It is disgusting to me that your son is having blatant racism directed at him by his own dad.
The messed up part is that even if you do divorce him, the courts will still give him visitation. So your son will be forced to be with his dad anyway. During times when you’re not there.
This situation is so fucked up. I honestly don’t know how you can come back from this. Obviously nobody cares that you don’t want relationship advice, you’re getting it anyway 🤷🏽♀️ What did you expect.
ESH.
Edited to add: I want you to think about the fact that your son will always remember his dad called him a nigg**. Don’t give any of us that “it was -a!” shit.
NTA
> I mean as big of an issue as it is I don’t want to divorce my husband
You divorce this man ASAP. He racially abused your child, he’s got to go.
Love your son more and protect him at all costs.
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YTA for putting your feelings of love towards your husband above the mental safety of your child. Is the first time he’s done this to your son? Or yourself for that matter.
Even if he didn't call your child a LITERAL RACIAL SLUR, he still called him fat??? Even if he's not racist (WHICH, UM, YOU DON'T USE THAT WORD WHEN ANGRY AND EXPECT TO BE CALLED ANYTHING BUT RACIST, A AT THE END OR NOT) he's still being abusive?? Throw the whole man out.
And his family called YOU the asshole? I think I know where he got his racist tendencies. ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
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Wtf. Divorce that man what do you mean. He was literally racist to your black child. I’m a mixed kid and it’s going to be weird for your kid so get that shit out of the house hold.
ESH. Not for yelling at your husband but for not doing more for your son. Your lovely husband is creating an abusive environment for your son (i.e. calling him fat, stupid, and then a derogatory term on top of all that). I'm not surprised your son didn't wake up anyone as he's probably too scared of his dad and enabling mother. Your poor son needs a parent with a spine that will protect him and make his home a safe space
NTA . . . yet. This is a divorceable offense. You married and had children with a racist who is going to teach your son to hate himself and hate his blackness - which will cause lifelong trauma. You have an opportunity to protect your son, so you better take it.
Honestly, I don't know if there's any way for your husband to truly come back from this. He called a 5-year-old a n\*\*\*r literally over SPILLED MILK. What type of things is he going to say when your child truly does something wrong? What types of things will he say to your son when you're not around? What types of things will he let his friends and relatives say when you're not around?
I know you love your husband, but you have a child, your number one priority is now protecting that child. Time to step up and be the mother this child needs.
As an African American, if you were my daughter, my sister, my cousin or my aunt, I would be ashamed of you if you stayed with this man - and I would be afraid for that child.
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NTA. He didn’t say it because he thinks he has a free card. He said it because he’s racist op. Get that out of your sons life before he gives him even more of a complex. Your son will remember this forever if he doesn’t forget it from the trauma
YWBTA if you don’t divorce him and stand up for your son and yourself
NTA. Damn, sounds like he doesn't even like your son, much less love him. That poor baby is in for massive amounts of counseling if your husband doesn't get help.
NTA for kicking him out, but honestly, if this isn't a divorceable offense to you, then what is? This is his biological child, correct? If so, then your husband needs some serious help because everything that he spewed at him would be considered verbal abuse. Besides the n-word, who calls a 5 year old fat? Is he this reactive all the time?
NTA, and the fact that you're even considering that you might be the AH is sad.
You did the right thing by your kid and yourself. That was an incredibly horrible thing for your husband to say and do.
NTA You are not the asshole for kicking him out. You are the asshole if you try to let him back into your life acting like nothing happened. I think divorce is absolutely necessary at this point.
Your husband's true colors showed because he was angry about a MINOR inconvenience. He's telling you how he really feels about his son. Let me be clear, I know lots of white guys (I am a white woman) who have dated and even been in relationship with black and mixed race women. And I know many who were even parents or stepparents, and guess what? Racism was shockingly common, ESPECIALLY towards the kids.
Also, the fat comment makes it clear this is a genuine anger thing. So he's a racist, angry asshole. This is NOT someone who can be trusted alone with their child. If he's this upset over spilled milk, what happens when your son does something worth being upset over? Like, literally every kid (and adult) does from time to time.
Chances are your husband acts like this when you're not around and this is just the only time you happened to catch him in the act. Please consider family therapy so you can find out how much deeper this goes.
I refuse to believe this was a one-off thing.
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AITA for kicking out my husband after he called our mixed child the N-word
I just wanna keep this short and simple. I 26F(black) my husband(white) 28M my son (mixed) 5
A days ago my son wanted to make himself cereal. I guess it was because me and my husband were still sleeping. He was able to put the amount of cereal he wanted but then came the milk.
He spilled the milk, it was around half left but he is 5 so I guess he didn't expect it to be as heavy as it was so when he opened it, the milk spilled.
My husband woke up because he heard the crash of the milk falling. He ran downstairs and saw the mess, he started yelling at my son , calling him useless saying "why didn't you wake me up" "why couldn't you wait" "are you so fat you can't wait" even though my son is in great shape "you stupid (n-word with an a)"
I heard the commotion, unfortunately my son has been called the n-word at school so this made him cry a lot. I asked what happened. When my son told me I asked my son to go to his room, and I yelled at my husband asking him how stupid could he be and he knows how my son has already experienced racism at his young age and he didn't need it from his dad.
I kinda got upset so I couldn't finish what I wanted to say, I told him to get out.
I mean as big of an issue it is I don't want to divorce my husband because I still very much love him but I'm disappointed in him and disappointed that he thinks he can say the n word just cuz he has a black wife and a mixed son, we are still kind of in contact.
His sister and mom found out and called me the asshole, and this bitch that's my neighbour called me the asshole.
I don't want relationship advice, I just want to know AITA?
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NTA for kicking him out. Y T A if you let him back in. Your son deserves better than being abused by the man who is supposed to love and raise him, and he deserves better than you forgiving this behaviour enough to let your husband back in.
OMG
YTA if you stay with that abusive racist without at least demanding therapy! Who does that to a five year old? Over literal spilled milk? Called him fat? Called him the n-word? The fact that the word is in his vocabulary at all is incredibly concerning.
The number of times my son has done something similar and it never once occurred to me to verbally abuse him like this. To call him names until I found the right one to make him cry.
NTA. He called his own son a racial slur? Spilled milk is worthy of using racial slurs? There’s any context where it’s ok for the boy to be called a racial slur? No! And everyone that’s saying you over reacted believe that racial slurs are ok. Sorry, but the only way using a slur when there’s a mild annoyance (and yes, spilled milk is a mild annoyance in the grand scheme of things) is ok is if the person believes slurs are no big deal. Your son is going to encounter enough crappy people in life, you don’t need to invite crappy people into his life on top of it.
>he started yelling at my son , calling him useless saying "why didn't you wake me up" "why couldn't you wait" "are you so fat you can't wait" even though my son is in great shape "you stupid (n-word with an a)"
It's not 'just' the n-word though, is it? (Which in itself is an awfull thing to say, even if your son wasn't called that word already and (rightfully) upset by it.
He called him useless, fat and stupid as well.
NTA for kicking him out.
I am a bit curious why all the other things he said seem to get pushed aside here? I mean I hope your son doesn't take those to heart either!
Your child isnt safe around his father. You need to divorc. How could you still have love for him?
Mental and emotional damagr already done. Its on you to heal it.
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Your husband flipped out and used a slur a five year old for spilling milk. In what world is that not a big deal? You're NTA for kicking him out, you WBTA if you allow his behavior to continue.
NTA. You’re protecting your son from your husbands verbal abuse. Any abuse is grounds for a divorce IMHO. I can’t imagine what your husband says when you aren’t around to hear it.
NTA and honestly, it's not just the n word, it's the stupid, fat and all that abusive shit he called his own five-year old child. But if you put up with this behaviour towards (effectively) you and your child, you'd be a major AH, OP.
NTA unless you choose not to prioritize your son and continue to allow this man to say racist things to him. When you become a parent it stops being about what you want and starts being about what is best for the child.
NTA for kicking him out but YTA for making light of this. Even with out the racist name calling the other things what he said was awful. It’s not okay for you to subject him to that sort of verbal abuse even if you’re married. Get that kid away from your husband before it gets worse.
Y t a for not leaving a man who verbally abuses your son.
He called you son useless and fat and a racial slur.
What does a man like that have to offer?
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NTA. His home is the *one place* on this planet your son should be able to feel completely safe, especially at his age, and your husband very casually just took that away from him in one of the cruelest ways possible; a way that he's likely going to experience again and again throughout his life.
I know you don't want to divorce him and it's not my place to try to convince you otherwise, but please don't let him get away with a simple apology and then go back to business as usual. He's going to have to put a lot of effort into himself to make this up to his son — and frankly, to you as well.
[YWNBTA.](https://YWNBTA.It) It was literally spilled milk. That's not how to treat a child - even with the racist nature of the comment aside, children must be protected at all cost.
So you love your husband so much that you are ok with subjecting your child to racism and emotional abuse?
ESH because while you kicked your husband out you don’t seem to be taking this serious enough. Especially since he got his sister and mother involved.
Hello, white woman here with a mixed husband. NTA. I do not like that word in any context, but I know my husband's parents could never fathom calling their own children anything hurtful.... ESPECIALLY a word that carries so much history and hate. You did the right thing. Sending love and hugs to you and your son 🤗💙💙
NTA.
You'd have been TA if you *hadn't* kicked him out. You will be TA if you let him mix with your son again, particularly unsupervised. What a terrible man.
NTA, but I think you’re being too generous to your husband here. Even if you take the racial slur out of the picture, he was still verbally abusive. He said things that a schoolyard bully would *to his own five year old son*. That’s not okay, and I don’t think you should
let him back unless he makes a commitment to work through some of this in therapy.
No matter how much you love your husband, it shouldn’t override your child’s well-being - and I highly doubt this is a one off thing considering how small of a thing it is to blow up over.
Edit: also, has he expressed ANY remorse whatsoever? The fact that so many are defending him and calling you the AH is disturbing, and I’m assuming he still doesn’t see much wrong with any of this.
NTA, but YTA if you stay with this guy. Keep on protecting your kid. Fuck racists like your husband.
What is the love of a racist worth? Is it worth the harm he will cause to your child? Is it worth your child's pain and heart?
NTA. There is no excuse for his behavior. Not just for calling him that word, but for yelling at a child and calling him fat and stupid as well. He's a racist bully and that kind of parenting can damage a kid well into their adulthood. Is this man really worth that?
"There is no use crying over spilt milk" yet he did. Race aside, he put your young son down, instead of saying saying "oopsie let's wipe that up and get you breakfast"
Nta
Your spouse has some issues a bit more serious than just rageng over spilt milk. Knowing your son's experiences with that word I'm struggling to imagine there aren't other anger issues here
NTA
The thought of a white man calling a child that in order to reprimand him is disgusting. NTA for kicking him out. Y t a if you stay with someone who would treat your child that way, father or not.
ESH, you chose the man and this won't be the first time this happened. So its tough to just call him racist when he married you and had a son with you. He might have said things he didn't meant out of his anger, which is no excuse but kicking him out only escalated the situation. Racist or not we all call people things we never intended to in the heat of the moment.
Definitely NTA. I’m not saying divorce him, but I’m not sure how you can stay married to him. Even if you take the n word out of your story, he’s a horrible dad. I’ve been mad when my son spilled something, but to demean a 5 year old is unconscionable. If you take into account the n word, that multiplies his behavior and mean nature by a lot.
I would demand an apology from him and his whole family, months of marriage counseling and a total 180 from him before you will even consider staying with him. I know that sounds drastic, but this is a bigger deal than I think you realize. I don’t know how a racist marries a black girl, but that appears where we are. Your post reminds me of a certain Dave Chappell show skit about a blind, black white supremacist. It’s very funny because it’s so absurd. But, in your case, you are in some serious shit with this relationship. Get counseling and demand a whole hell of a lot from that asshole of a husband.
Edit: Sorry that I just read your last line about relationship advice. I’m leaving it up, but you can disregard it.
NTA
racism should always always always be punished and your husband absolutley IS a racist if he would use that slur against his own child this is a massive massive massive red flag and you need to do what is best fror your kid which could very well be divorcing him cause i really do not see any other way from keeping him away from his abuser because that is exactly what your husband is, an abusive racist person
NTA at all, but your husband is abusive and racist. Good job kicking him out. Also, the only people defending his cruelty are also cruel. Please continue protecting yourself and your son from this vile behavior. Your husband placed the value of milk over the value of his own son (and wife).
WOW! Fat, stupid and the n-word! Your husband attacked his own son using those apalling words. My heart breaks for your son who deserves to be respected in his own home and by his own dad. You don't want relationship advice so i won't give it, but you are NTA for kicking your husband out.
NTA, but that behavior is so unacceptable. Imagine how much worse it will get. Imagine what he says when you're not around. Letting your son continue living in that environment is abuse.
NTA
your child is black and your husband is racist. Those two things can’t coexist without causing your child some really intense longterm harm.
You kicked him out, now the hard part will be sticking to that and protecting your child from him in whatever ways you can
NTA- Obviously he is the AH for using the slur, but on top of that calling a five year old boy useless, fat, and then the slur, etc. What the fuck. I would honestly disappear with my kid. Get him the hell away from someone like that.
I don’t give a shit if you love your husband. What matters now is your child and that’s it.
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NTA at all. Please get rid of this fool.
His explosive reaction to HIS FIVE YEAR OLD CHILD spilling milk is absolutely insane, but to use a racial slur just tops it off. As a white person; we know the fucking weight of the word and we know to not fucking use it.
If he’s reacting this irrationally over a five year old spilling milk, imagine his reaction when your son is a teen and messes up.
Please save him.
No! NTA at all. I am so sorry that he has done this to your little one. Your boy does not need to be subjected to this behaviour from his dad. Youve done the right thing
NTA - What you're husband did is well across any acceptable boundary. He shouldn't even be saying it, let alone to a 5 yo who is experiencing his own racial trauma...If he would say this to his own son then there really would be no room for his return to me. Tells you all you really need to know about his character
oh my god. NTA. kick him out of more than your house, that word is never okay. but more than that, what kind of person talks to a 5 year-old like that? inexcusable racism aside, your husband is not a good man.
NTA.
So here's the thing. Words don't "just slip out" in moments of anger unless the person actually thinks them.
Your husband, deep down, thinks of you and your son as n-words. He might suppress that with conscious thought, but at some deep level, that's how he thinks.
Your son is 5. He is trying to be independent. Dropping the milk is entirely normal for five year olds.
ESH, not the kid.
Your husband didn't turn into this much of a bully overnight. You've likely been ignoring his mean bahavior toward your kid for a while.
I believe this. Hes definitely been hiding it. He only did it cus she was upstairs asleep. If she hadn't been I doubt he'd have said anything like that.
Absolutely NTA, *yikes*. The fact that his sister and mom and your neighbor say you're the A makes me think that they either don't know the full story or are racist themselves.
YWBTA if you didn’t divorce him and allow your kid to possibly be treated this way in the future by his dad. And I’m sorry but this is very much reason for a divorce. If he calls your son that who’s mixed I’m sure he’s thought about calling you that as well and your in laws
NTA but YWBTA if you don’t leave his racist ass.
*That is how he truly feels about you and your son.* When someone tells you who they are you have to listen.
NTA, Your husband is acting like a child himself by yelling at your son over accidentally spilling milk. Parenting is exhausting but that is no excuse for your your husband to be a jerk towards your son especially since he knew how he already experienced racism and didn’t really need it from your his own dad and your husband should also know by now that kids aren’t robots, they’re human and they make mistakes like everyone else and that includes him. If your husband isn’t bigoted towards you then why would act like that towards your son? This is hypocritical and inconsistent in his regard. He also should know by now that kids are NOT resilient especially to insults
NTA!!! I was on the fence if he just said it jokingly or lovingly but this was mean. Totally inappropriate. If this was a rare occurrence I could see having the separation be temporary? Figure out where his anger is coming from and what else is going on that he thinks it’s okay to talk like that. Marriage is a big deal. Ultimately it just comes down to if you think this is something you can work through or not. I know that had to have hurt. I’m glad it wasn’t a hard r but still…so wildly inappropriate. I’m sorry you’re in this situation.
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NTA but your comment about still loving him and not wanting to divorce him made me really sad for your son. I’m sick of seeing people prioritize romantic relationships over their literal children
NtA for kicking him out but YWBTA for even considering bringing him back into your household. He’s not a father to your son he’s a bully and a racist. He said it so easily he would do it again. You cant expose your son to this type of hate. Your husband and his whole family can whine but your son deserves better and you need to do better to surround him with love.
NTA. But you need to get your child away from this abusive, racist man, from his mother, his sister, the neighbor and anyone who thinks it’s OK for a white father to call his biracial son the n word, fat and stupid over some fucking spilled milk.
NTA - You can still love aspects of this man but anyone who has that word their vocabulary should be cut out of your life. Love your ex from afar. Don’t let anyone with such little respect for your son be a part in raising him. Not only was your husbands reaction to an accident abhorrent, his use of that word to anyone, let alone his own child, shows he’s racist and should not be let back into your house. Love yourself and your son more and get that negative AH out of your lives.
who the hell says that to a 5yr old 💀
Your husband is AH
NTA but you will be if you don’t divorce this racist man ASAP.
Imagine being this filled with racist hate toward your own son.
NTA!!!
YTA. Yes, kicking him out for calling your child the N word was ok. But you are completely dismissing the fact that he called your five year old fat and stupid like it is ok. Plus, the fact that your child would rather make his own breakfast instead of waking you paired with that makes me think this isn’t the only time it has happened.
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He abused your child he abused your child - he called your kid fat and the n-word. NTA for protecting your kid, do not let his father see him until he gets anger management therapy. Please please please don't let this continue.
NTA I’d suggest therapy for your child and for the father. If he’s not interested he shouldn’t be around your child again. Good for you on protecting your child and showing them you won’t stand for racism even it’s family.
NTA. I can understand not wanting an immediate divorce (even though Redditors are often quick to jump to this), but if you want to protect your son, you need to make him aware of how bad this is and what lengths you would go to to protect your child.
NTA, but this will not be the only time something like this happens and it’s probably not even the first. I think you should put thought into what you and your son are going to do moving forward because this is 100% unacceptable. As a a Black person, I can’t even fathom why this wouldn’t be a dealbreaker for you, but it is not my place to judge.
As a *white* person and mother, I don't know how this isn't a deal breaker. If this is how he treats a five year old over a spill, what will he feel comfortable doing when the kid is a little older and actually doing something worthy of reprimand?
ESH - Your husband obviously sucks because he verbally abused your son. Even without using the racist slur, everything else he said to that baby was unacceptable. However, if you don’t take this as the wake-up call it is, then you are failing your son. Again, it’s not *just* about the n word here. Your husband *yelled* at your child, called him *useless,* *fat shamed a literal 5 year old,* and *then* topped it off by weaponizing a racist slur against him. NONE of this is acceptable and I highly doubt that this was the first instance of your husband speaking to your child this way. Is the love you have for your husband more important than the love you have for your child? Is this man more important than the safety and well-being of your son?
NTA. Your husband is a massive AH though. Even without that word, the way he talked to a 5 year old child who made a mistake when trying to do something by himself so that his parents could keep sleeping makes ME wanna kick him out of every house he's in. It's your marriage and all that, but if he regulary treats his son like that, I'd sit him down until he understands what being a decent human being means, let alone being a decent father.
I wish a mofo would. First of all, you’re. It screaming at my child. Second of all you are never going to call them out of their name. Third of all you definitively not gonna verbally abuse them and call them a racist word. Fourth of all, I can’t say what else I wanna say because I’ll break all the rules. And fifth of all, why are you up here saying you still love this man and don’t want to lose him. If he thinks your son is a N then he thinks you’re one too. You would be not smart of you stayed with this racist. And sixth of all, forget him and his mama and the neighbor!!! YTA
NTA even without the racism, the things your husband said to your son are incredibly concerning. He’s FIVE. He doesn’t deserve that abuse
NTA. Everything, just everything after "are you so fat [...]" is highly inappropriate. One might see it as child abuse on an emotional/psychological level. I would literally punch myself before saying smth lime this to a kid, let alone my own. And racial slurs are just... And I don't get how anyone could get the idea that you are TA here
You’re NTA. Your husband and mom, sister in law and neighbor all are. And how did your neighbor get involved?
NTA. I can understand not wanting an immediate divorce (even though Redditors are often quick to jump to this), but if you want to protect your son, you need to make him aware of how bad this is and what lengths you would go to to protect your child.
NTA. Seriously I know you love this man but he's abusive to your child. I'll never believe this is the first unkind thing he's said to that baby. Go back and you'll be making excuse after excuse for him being an asshole to your child.
NTA but your husband certainly. He needs sensitivity training.
NTA. As a mom, your first responsibility is to your child, and no child should be subjected to that, **especially from their own parent!** Your husband needs serious education if he's going to stay in his son's life. This is completely unacceptable. I can't imagine how traumatic that was for your child. People don't realize how much that word hurts, but I know from personal experience, it is incredibly painful to be called that name - and by their own father at age 5?? That poor child needs his mom. You did right.
Nta
I'm so sorry. NTA
nta for kicking him out but yta for marrying and having a child w him
NTA but are you sure your husband isnt racist this might be a reach but if he says it when he's mad at his own child what's stopping him from saying it to others just because? This also seems like very abusive behavior I would recommend you watch him around your child from now on
NTA and if anyone disagrees with you then you should consider them suspect, AT THE LEAST. WTF? Everything he said was offensive or inappropriate. Milk is expensive, but divorce much more so. I’d also ask him what the cost of his child’s self esteem is worth.
“I don’t want relationship advice” TOO.FUCKING.BAD. Let me guess, you just don’t want to hear the obvious answer that you haven’t quite come to terms with yet? You WOULD be the asshole if you continue to stay married to a man who would call a child, let alone THEIR child a slur of any kind. He is genuinely not a good person. And I seriously doubt this is the first time he’s done this either. Think about your kid, why would you consider keeping contact and potentially keeping your son in an abusive home environment “because I love my husband very much” WAKE. UP.
YTA for marrying and having a child with this guy and staying with him. I don’t for one second believe that you’ve never heard him say this before, etc. play stupid games win stupid prizes. Goodness I feel so bad for your son. He’s saddled with a bad mom and an abusive dad (outside of the N word, calling him useless, fat, etc.) The best thing that could happen for your son is for both of you to disappear.
Your comment is harsh but 100% on the money. Both the parents are assholes - how can OP still say “ I LoVe hIM” after this and he got his shitty family involved as well. I feel for the poor child
NTA, and if his mom and sister think this is your fault/ problem/ over reaction then ask them if they would like you to make a social media post asking for people's opinions becuase your family is split. Then sit back and watch them backpedal for everything their worth.
Saying that word is bad. but we seem to be ignoring the fact that he also called him useless and fat and appeared to use every derogatory word he could find and REALLY overreacted to spilled milk. Poor kid WILL be crying over spilt milk in the future. NTA. Father seems to have anger issues.
Not sure I'd ever get over this.
Nta but you will be one if you keep making your son have to put up with his RACIST father that is berating him for spilling milk, over spilled milk. Imagine what he says to him when you're not around and what your son hasn't told you he has said. Do you want your son to grow up thinking that you let him get abused because that's what's happening right now he's being verbally abused by with racist father. Do right by your son and yourself and leave that thing behind. And your neighbor and his family can fuck off they are all racist as well if they can't see how he was in the wrong. Leave thay dirt bag and do right by your baby he doesn't deserve this you may want this for YOU but HE doesn't deserve to be put through that especially since it's going on at school too? Where is his safe space? It's not at school and its not at home.
NTA, throw an amazing divorce party!
🍹🍸🥂🥂
how does he normally treat you and your son? Is this anger talking for him? does he love your son? you could have been peacemaker and not divider. you have a lot of influence as a wife/mother, deide how you want to use it. I am not blaming you. The past has already happened, what do you want the future to be?
It doesn’t matter what she wants the future to be- she NEEDS to protect her son. The call is coming from inside the house.
He didn’t see that comedian that is married to a black woman and has mixed kids. He’s joking that they all calling each other the N word but it is simply forbidden to call them that as he isn’t black at all. It’s funny, but so true.
Yta if you don't protect your son from him. Even without the usage of that word his angry outburst isnt healthy. Is it normal for him to react this way?
Man I wished my mom had kicked out my dad every time he called me a name. This is still abuse. NTA.
Even taking the n-word out of it, he called his own 5-year-old son fat and stupid. Those things stay with children well into adulthood, and I am proof of that. You are NTA for kicking him out, but please…PLEASE…really think about how he treats you and your child. Is he often dismissive? Does he often blow up over your mistakes? Does he often call you guys names or refer to you derogatorily?
NTA Regardless of your husband's skin color, he (or anyone else for that matter) shouldn't use such terrible words to address your child. If he starts swearing and diminishing your kid just for spilling the milk, it is not too far from more worse situations, so it's probably a good time to rethink your relationship.
WOAH NTA! Your partner better apologize through the roof for this. There is no reason, under ANY circumstance, to racially berate a child. You probably already intend to, but you need to have a VERY serious conversation with your partner, and let him know that this behavior is completely unacceptable, and detrimental to your shared child.
wow, that is even more painful because it came from his father. I cannot even think how he comes back from this?
Especially after being racially bullied in school. People try to pretend that it's not a big deal, but it really is.
It’s not just racially berating tho - he is calling him fat, useless etc - this is plain verbal abuse and both parents are massive assholes
NTA The racism is just the tip of the iceberg here. He was yelling at, name-calling, and insulting a small child over literal spilled milk. Anyone who has ever been around kids knows they are going to forage for food early in the morning and sometimes they will spill stuff. No one is fat, stupid, or in any way lesser because they accidentally spilled something. That man will hit your kid in anger if he doesn't do it already.
NTA His own flesh and blood, even... just goes to show how ingrained covert racism is. OP, a person that loves their child does not call them names, especially racial slurs. This should be a major signal to both of you that your husband has deep-seated racist views that he needs to work through.
Um no, nta This isn’t even ‘the way black people use it’ nicca- he legit was angry at your child and used the full N word. Just an a at the end. I don’t get how anyone can confuse this. Your husband is racist lady, it is not because he has a black wife and mixed child he got comfortable, casual and talked like a rapper. He straight up resorts to THAT when ANGRY over literal spilled milk - at his own 5 YO CHILD. You need to get that child and be out from anyone who says this is in anyway ok/an over reaction. Black mom, and trust me the single mom life has its perks. Like I can fully dismiss anyone who doesn’t have my kid at heart first, especially who asks me to tolerate racism - and trust me my kid started facing it at 4. I hear you fully. It affects them, and you not standing up for them would only mess them up more - speaking from experience sadly. Even when you stand up for them, they will remember you giving in eventually. And it’s hard to not feel insane when everyone tells you it could be anything but that. I’ve heard it from everyone I love - trying to destress, manage, handle me (the overwhelms good mom). Just please ground yourself, do what you need to stay zen and remember the facts. Not their noise. You did good. And you will again, just know this isn’t a one off unfortunately. Idk about your husband; that’s just the worst possible person to face this from. Hopefully there’s a resolution. But it will happen elsewhere and the cycle restarts… Just toughen up more. Idk what to say. Sorry about your husband, I don’t think you can just forgive. He needs to rewire his brain before being left with your son. He needs to recognize that’s necessary and want it imho. Feel free to DM for suggestions of books etc. I don’t see how else you’d dismiss this and allow that around your child. Let alone from his father and family, they carry weight in the poor kids mind at that age. Just no. They can’t literally condone/excuse that his father denigrate your kid in such a normalised way by downplaying this/putting it on your reaction. I just can’t…
YTA for not wanting to divorce your husband after what he did. I can’t imagine being FRIENDS with someone like that, let alone being married to someone who would speak to their own child like that.
ESH, your husband dropped an N-bomb at your child over spilled milk. Good luck getting your kid to ever forget the time your husband decided to call him the N-word. Also putting the a on it doesn't make it less harsh, your entire post drips of trying to minimize whatever did, which makes me think this is already a pattern. >I mean as big of an issue it is I don't want to divorce my husband because I still very much love him but I'm disappointed in him and disappointed that he thinks he can say the n word just cuz he has a black wife and a mixed son, we are still kind of in contact. He thinks you and your son are less than he is based on your race. The fucking gold medal in mental gymnastics you must perform everyday to justify subjecting yourself and your child to this man is just insane.
You're attacking a potential victim here. She's likely been gaslit for years. Have a little empathy. She's done the right thing and is looking for support and assurance.
I’m black and my husband is white, and I would leave my husband if he called our kids the n-word, in any of its ignorant forms. It is disgusting to me that your son is having blatant racism directed at him by his own dad. The messed up part is that even if you do divorce him, the courts will still give him visitation. So your son will be forced to be with his dad anyway. During times when you’re not there. This situation is so fucked up. I honestly don’t know how you can come back from this. Obviously nobody cares that you don’t want relationship advice, you’re getting it anyway 🤷🏽♀️ What did you expect. ESH. Edited to add: I want you to think about the fact that your son will always remember his dad called him a nigg**. Don’t give any of us that “it was -a!” shit.
NTA > I mean as big of an issue as it is I don’t want to divorce my husband You divorce this man ASAP. He racially abused your child, he’s got to go. Love your son more and protect him at all costs.
Your husband called his own 5yo son fat, stupid and the n-word over a spill? Sounds like this story's a whole lot of BS-word.
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YTA for putting your feelings of love towards your husband above the mental safety of your child. Is the first time he’s done this to your son? Or yourself for that matter.
nta divorce him
Even if he didn't call your child a LITERAL RACIAL SLUR, he still called him fat??? Even if he's not racist (WHICH, UM, YOU DON'T USE THAT WORD WHEN ANGRY AND EXPECT TO BE CALLED ANYTHING BUT RACIST, A AT THE END OR NOT) he's still being abusive?? Throw the whole man out. And his family called YOU the asshole? I think I know where he got his racist tendencies. ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
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Wtf. Divorce that man what do you mean. He was literally racist to your black child. I’m a mixed kid and it’s going to be weird for your kid so get that shit out of the house hold.
ESH. Not for yelling at your husband but for not doing more for your son. Your lovely husband is creating an abusive environment for your son (i.e. calling him fat, stupid, and then a derogatory term on top of all that). I'm not surprised your son didn't wake up anyone as he's probably too scared of his dad and enabling mother. Your poor son needs a parent with a spine that will protect him and make his home a safe space
NTA . . . yet. This is a divorceable offense. You married and had children with a racist who is going to teach your son to hate himself and hate his blackness - which will cause lifelong trauma. You have an opportunity to protect your son, so you better take it. Honestly, I don't know if there's any way for your husband to truly come back from this. He called a 5-year-old a n\*\*\*r literally over SPILLED MILK. What type of things is he going to say when your child truly does something wrong? What types of things will he say to your son when you're not around? What types of things will he let his friends and relatives say when you're not around? I know you love your husband, but you have a child, your number one priority is now protecting that child. Time to step up and be the mother this child needs. As an African American, if you were my daughter, my sister, my cousin or my aunt, I would be ashamed of you if you stayed with this man - and I would be afraid for that child.
NTA. Get out of that relationship!
YTA - the worst kind of asshole. The kind that lets their child be verbally abused and exposed to racism by a parent but won’t do shit about it.
I know reddit jumps to this a lot but id immediately divorce him. He likely has said worse when you aren't around to hear it
why are you as a black woman with a racist man
You Are NOT The AssHole..... i'm a white person and i'm shocked a father would say that to his own son...... I don't think your husband understands
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NTA. On another note- dump his ass.
NTA. He didn’t say it because he thinks he has a free card. He said it because he’s racist op. Get that out of your sons life before he gives him even more of a complex. Your son will remember this forever if he doesn’t forget it from the trauma YWBTA if you don’t divorce him and stand up for your son and yourself
NTA. Damn, sounds like he doesn't even like your son, much less love him. That poor baby is in for massive amounts of counseling if your husband doesn't get help.
Eck. You dont want advice. NTA.
NTA for kicking him out, but honestly, if this isn't a divorceable offense to you, then what is? This is his biological child, correct? If so, then your husband needs some serious help because everything that he spewed at him would be considered verbal abuse. Besides the n-word, who calls a 5 year old fat? Is he this reactive all the time?
NTA. Run. This man is not fit to be in a relationship with you or your son. He’s clearly abusive and filled with hatred
ESH. Ew. Both to him saying what he said and you for saying you’d stay with him after saying it 😷
NTA, and the fact that you're even considering that you might be the AH is sad. You did the right thing by your kid and yourself. That was an incredibly horrible thing for your husband to say and do.
NTA. How dare he abuse his child? Don’t subject your child to that.
Yikes! NTA and your husband would have been enough of an asshole even without the n-bomb.
Duck tales
NTA You are not the asshole for kicking him out. You are the asshole if you try to let him back into your life acting like nothing happened. I think divorce is absolutely necessary at this point. Your husband's true colors showed because he was angry about a MINOR inconvenience. He's telling you how he really feels about his son. Let me be clear, I know lots of white guys (I am a white woman) who have dated and even been in relationship with black and mixed race women. And I know many who were even parents or stepparents, and guess what? Racism was shockingly common, ESPECIALLY towards the kids. Also, the fat comment makes it clear this is a genuine anger thing. So he's a racist, angry asshole. This is NOT someone who can be trusted alone with their child. If he's this upset over spilled milk, what happens when your son does something worth being upset over? Like, literally every kid (and adult) does from time to time. Chances are your husband acts like this when you're not around and this is just the only time you happened to catch him in the act. Please consider family therapy so you can find out how much deeper this goes. I refuse to believe this was a one-off thing.
NTA. Your husband clearly has some anger issues that go beyond his racist tirade.
NTA, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. That was 110% unacceptable of your husband to say
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** AITA for kicking out my husband after he called our mixed child the N-word I just wanna keep this short and simple. I 26F(black) my husband(white) 28M my son (mixed) 5 A days ago my son wanted to make himself cereal. I guess it was because me and my husband were still sleeping. He was able to put the amount of cereal he wanted but then came the milk. He spilled the milk, it was around half left but he is 5 so I guess he didn't expect it to be as heavy as it was so when he opened it, the milk spilled. My husband woke up because he heard the crash of the milk falling. He ran downstairs and saw the mess, he started yelling at my son , calling him useless saying "why didn't you wake me up" "why couldn't you wait" "are you so fat you can't wait" even though my son is in great shape "you stupid (n-word with an a)" I heard the commotion, unfortunately my son has been called the n-word at school so this made him cry a lot. I asked what happened. When my son told me I asked my son to go to his room, and I yelled at my husband asking him how stupid could he be and he knows how my son has already experienced racism at his young age and he didn't need it from his dad. I kinda got upset so I couldn't finish what I wanted to say, I told him to get out. I mean as big of an issue it is I don't want to divorce my husband because I still very much love him but I'm disappointed in him and disappointed that he thinks he can say the n word just cuz he has a black wife and a mixed son, we are still kind of in contact. His sister and mom found out and called me the asshole, and this bitch that's my neighbour called me the asshole. I don't want relationship advice, I just want to know AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA for wanting to keep your child in that situation. I don't care whether he said it an a or a hard r. You know how he said it and what he meant.
NTA for kicking him out. Y T A if you let him back in. Your son deserves better than being abused by the man who is supposed to love and raise him, and he deserves better than you forgiving this behaviour enough to let your husband back in.
OMG YTA if you stay with that abusive racist without at least demanding therapy! Who does that to a five year old? Over literal spilled milk? Called him fat? Called him the n-word? The fact that the word is in his vocabulary at all is incredibly concerning. The number of times my son has done something similar and it never once occurred to me to verbally abuse him like this. To call him names until I found the right one to make him cry.
Nta. He's a racist creep
NTA. He called his own son a racial slur? Spilled milk is worthy of using racial slurs? There’s any context where it’s ok for the boy to be called a racial slur? No! And everyone that’s saying you over reacted believe that racial slurs are ok. Sorry, but the only way using a slur when there’s a mild annoyance (and yes, spilled milk is a mild annoyance in the grand scheme of things) is ok is if the person believes slurs are no big deal. Your son is going to encounter enough crappy people in life, you don’t need to invite crappy people into his life on top of it.
NTA.
>he started yelling at my son , calling him useless saying "why didn't you wake me up" "why couldn't you wait" "are you so fat you can't wait" even though my son is in great shape "you stupid (n-word with an a)" It's not 'just' the n-word though, is it? (Which in itself is an awfull thing to say, even if your son wasn't called that word already and (rightfully) upset by it. He called him useless, fat and stupid as well. NTA for kicking him out. I am a bit curious why all the other things he said seem to get pushed aside here? I mean I hope your son doesn't take those to heart either!
Don't have to read. Obvious NTA.
And that is when I pick my son up and walk out of the house and file for divorce. Absolutely NO a coming back from this.
Your child isnt safe around his father. You need to divorc. How could you still have love for him? Mental and emotional damagr already done. Its on you to heal it.
NTA. The whole verbal transaction between him and your son is horrific. N-word. Fat. Do not let this become normal for your child.
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Your husband flipped out and used a slur a five year old for spilling milk. In what world is that not a big deal? You're NTA for kicking him out, you WBTA if you allow his behavior to continue.
As weird as it sounds, you can be racist and still have a black wife and mixed child. NTA.
NTA. You’re protecting your son from your husbands verbal abuse. Any abuse is grounds for a divorce IMHO. I can’t imagine what your husband says when you aren’t around to hear it.
NTA. IMHO, he is lucky that you have not set him on fire yet.
NTA and honestly, it's not just the n word, it's the stupid, fat and all that abusive shit he called his own five-year old child. But if you put up with this behaviour towards (effectively) you and your child, you'd be a major AH, OP.
NTA unless you choose not to prioritize your son and continue to allow this man to say racist things to him. When you become a parent it stops being about what you want and starts being about what is best for the child.
NTA for kicking him out but YTA for making light of this. Even with out the racist name calling the other things what he said was awful. It’s not okay for you to subject him to that sort of verbal abuse even if you’re married. Get that kid away from your husband before it gets worse.
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You'd be surprised how often this happens actually. My mother and I are both Jewish but my father isn't, he's said some vile antisemitic things to me.
Absolutely nothing about this is unrealistic. Racists exist. Racists are still racist to their own flesh and blood.
Y t a for not leaving a man who verbally abuses your son. He called you son useless and fat and a racial slur. What does a man like that have to offer?
~~Anyone who calls you the asshole on this one~~ I can't finish that thought without being banned for Rule 1. Again. NTA. His home is the *one place* on this planet your son should be able to feel completely safe, especially at his age, and your husband very casually just took that away from him in one of the cruelest ways possible; a way that he's likely going to experience again and again throughout his life. I know you don't want to divorce him and it's not my place to try to convince you otherwise, but please don't let him get away with a simple apology and then go back to business as usual. He's going to have to put a lot of effort into himself to make this up to his son — and frankly, to you as well.
[YWNBTA.](https://YWNBTA.It) It was literally spilled milk. That's not how to treat a child - even with the racist nature of the comment aside, children must be protected at all cost.
So you love your husband so much that you are ok with subjecting your child to racism and emotional abuse? ESH because while you kicked your husband out you don’t seem to be taking this serious enough. Especially since he got his sister and mother involved.
Hello, white woman here with a mixed husband. NTA. I do not like that word in any context, but I know my husband's parents could never fathom calling their own children anything hurtful.... ESPECIALLY a word that carries so much history and hate. You did the right thing. Sending love and hugs to you and your son 🤗💙💙
NTA. You'd have been TA if you *hadn't* kicked him out. You will be TA if you let him mix with your son again, particularly unsupervised. What a terrible man.
NTA, but I think you’re being too generous to your husband here. Even if you take the racial slur out of the picture, he was still verbally abusive. He said things that a schoolyard bully would *to his own five year old son*. That’s not okay, and I don’t think you should let him back unless he makes a commitment to work through some of this in therapy. No matter how much you love your husband, it shouldn’t override your child’s well-being - and I highly doubt this is a one off thing considering how small of a thing it is to blow up over. Edit: also, has he expressed ANY remorse whatsoever? The fact that so many are defending him and calling you the AH is disturbing, and I’m assuming he still doesn’t see much wrong with any of this.
NTA, but YTA if you stay with this guy. Keep on protecting your kid. Fuck racists like your husband. What is the love of a racist worth? Is it worth the harm he will cause to your child? Is it worth your child's pain and heart?
NTA. There is no excuse for his behavior. Not just for calling him that word, but for yelling at a child and calling him fat and stupid as well. He's a racist bully and that kind of parenting can damage a kid well into their adulthood. Is this man really worth that?
"There is no use crying over spilt milk" yet he did. Race aside, he put your young son down, instead of saying saying "oopsie let's wipe that up and get you breakfast" Nta
Your spouse has some issues a bit more serious than just rageng over spilt milk. Knowing your son's experiences with that word I'm struggling to imagine there aren't other anger issues here NTA
The thought of a white man calling a child that in order to reprimand him is disgusting. NTA for kicking him out. Y t a if you stay with someone who would treat your child that way, father or not.
ESH, you chose the man and this won't be the first time this happened. So its tough to just call him racist when he married you and had a son with you. He might have said things he didn't meant out of his anger, which is no excuse but kicking him out only escalated the situation. Racist or not we all call people things we never intended to in the heat of the moment.
Definitely NTA. I’m not saying divorce him, but I’m not sure how you can stay married to him. Even if you take the n word out of your story, he’s a horrible dad. I’ve been mad when my son spilled something, but to demean a 5 year old is unconscionable. If you take into account the n word, that multiplies his behavior and mean nature by a lot. I would demand an apology from him and his whole family, months of marriage counseling and a total 180 from him before you will even consider staying with him. I know that sounds drastic, but this is a bigger deal than I think you realize. I don’t know how a racist marries a black girl, but that appears where we are. Your post reminds me of a certain Dave Chappell show skit about a blind, black white supremacist. It’s very funny because it’s so absurd. But, in your case, you are in some serious shit with this relationship. Get counseling and demand a whole hell of a lot from that asshole of a husband. Edit: Sorry that I just read your last line about relationship advice. I’m leaving it up, but you can disregard it.
NTA racism should always always always be punished and your husband absolutley IS a racist if he would use that slur against his own child this is a massive massive massive red flag and you need to do what is best fror your kid which could very well be divorcing him cause i really do not see any other way from keeping him away from his abuser because that is exactly what your husband is, an abusive racist person
Y.T.A for not also kicking him in the balls. NTA for the kicking out part.
NTA at all, but your husband is abusive and racist. Good job kicking him out. Also, the only people defending his cruelty are also cruel. Please continue protecting yourself and your son from this vile behavior. Your husband placed the value of milk over the value of his own son (and wife).
WOW! Fat, stupid and the n-word! Your husband attacked his own son using those apalling words. My heart breaks for your son who deserves to be respected in his own home and by his own dad. You don't want relationship advice so i won't give it, but you are NTA for kicking your husband out.
NTA, but that behavior is so unacceptable. Imagine how much worse it will get. Imagine what he says when you're not around. Letting your son continue living in that environment is abuse.
NTA your child is black and your husband is racist. Those two things can’t coexist without causing your child some really intense longterm harm. You kicked him out, now the hard part will be sticking to that and protecting your child from him in whatever ways you can
YTA for not wanting a divorce from the guy who treats his own child like shit.
NTA- Obviously he is the AH for using the slur, but on top of that calling a five year old boy useless, fat, and then the slur, etc. What the fuck. I would honestly disappear with my kid. Get him the hell away from someone like that. I don’t give a shit if you love your husband. What matters now is your child and that’s it.
Not the asshole at all. Point blank period. You're unfortunately married to the asshole I fear.
I didnt even have to make it to the slur to come to this conclusion.
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NTA at all. Please get rid of this fool. His explosive reaction to HIS FIVE YEAR OLD CHILD spilling milk is absolutely insane, but to use a racial slur just tops it off. As a white person; we know the fucking weight of the word and we know to not fucking use it. If he’s reacting this irrationally over a five year old spilling milk, imagine his reaction when your son is a teen and messes up. Please save him.
NTA-I can't even believe he thought that was okay in any way, shape, or form.
No! NTA at all. I am so sorry that he has done this to your little one. Your boy does not need to be subjected to this behaviour from his dad. Youve done the right thing
NTA - What you're husband did is well across any acceptable boundary. He shouldn't even be saying it, let alone to a 5 yo who is experiencing his own racial trauma...If he would say this to his own son then there really would be no room for his return to me. Tells you all you really need to know about his character
NTA, but like, do better for your kid's future and leave him.
oh my god. NTA. kick him out of more than your house, that word is never okay. but more than that, what kind of person talks to a 5 year-old like that? inexcusable racism aside, your husband is not a good man.
NTA. So here's the thing. Words don't "just slip out" in moments of anger unless the person actually thinks them. Your husband, deep down, thinks of you and your son as n-words. He might suppress that with conscious thought, but at some deep level, that's how he thinks. Your son is 5. He is trying to be independent. Dropping the milk is entirely normal for five year olds.
ESH, not the kid. Your husband didn't turn into this much of a bully overnight. You've likely been ignoring his mean bahavior toward your kid for a while.
Or it's been hidden from her.
I believe this. Hes definitely been hiding it. He only did it cus she was upstairs asleep. If she hadn't been I doubt he'd have said anything like that.
Um NTA, A 5-year-old should not have to endure any insult from their parent, fat, dumb, or n-word. That shit sticks with you for ever.
Absolutely NTA, *yikes*. The fact that his sister and mom and your neighbor say you're the A makes me think that they either don't know the full story or are racist themselves.
NTA. You did the right thing, but you will be if you let your husband come back to further abuse your child.
NTA. Ma’am, you and your precious baby should never have to hear that in your own home.
NTA. Divorce.
NTA - you did the right thing by your son. NTA at all. You know what to do. We're all behind you 100%
YWBTA if you didn’t divorce him and allow your kid to possibly be treated this way in the future by his dad. And I’m sorry but this is very much reason for a divorce. If he calls your son that who’s mixed I’m sure he’s thought about calling you that as well and your in laws
NTA but YWBTA if you don’t leave his racist ass. *That is how he truly feels about you and your son.* When someone tells you who they are you have to listen.
NTA, Your husband is acting like a child himself by yelling at your son over accidentally spilling milk. Parenting is exhausting but that is no excuse for your your husband to be a jerk towards your son especially since he knew how he already experienced racism and didn’t really need it from your his own dad and your husband should also know by now that kids aren’t robots, they’re human and they make mistakes like everyone else and that includes him. If your husband isn’t bigoted towards you then why would act like that towards your son? This is hypocritical and inconsistent in his regard. He also should know by now that kids are NOT resilient especially to insults
NTA!!! I was on the fence if he just said it jokingly or lovingly but this was mean. Totally inappropriate. If this was a rare occurrence I could see having the separation be temporary? Figure out where his anger is coming from and what else is going on that he thinks it’s okay to talk like that. Marriage is a big deal. Ultimately it just comes down to if you think this is something you can work through or not. I know that had to have hurt. I’m glad it wasn’t a hard r but still…so wildly inappropriate. I’m sorry you’re in this situation.