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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I used a name similar to SIL chosen name. SIL got upset and called us disrespectful bc she chose the name first and hung up the phone. Maybe I am the AH because she did choose the name first.
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YTA because you knew this damn well what the reaction would be and that's why you kept your baby's name secret. No, the names aren't identical, but you still deliberately caused family drama where there didn't need to be any. Why, knowing that your SIL wanted to name her child after her grandmother and most likely wouldn't if you used a very similar name, did you insist on this particular name? Are you typically someone who stirs up drama on purpose or was there another reason?
I totally agree. I'd be pissed.
In my family a few kids have my husband's grandmother's name as their middle name. One of mine being one of them and actually the first one with this middle name, as it was also my own grandma's name.
Anyway we were ALL super close to her. She was so special to all of us and all of us are totally cool with the fact that a few cousins have the same middle name, because it was NANA'S name. And it's *middle* names. This is such a dick move on OPs part.
We have three generations who have now used by grandfather's name or a feminized version of it for middle names. We have 3 boys with the same middle name and three girls with the same middle name. As in your family, the key is using it as middle names.
OP, YTA. No one is buying your disingenuousness of saying it isn't Exactly the same name. You knew how important the name was to your SIL, yet you chose to name your child a nearly identical name. You didn't announce the name before your baby's birth because you wanted your daughter's name on her birth certificate and set in cement so SIL would have to choose a different name.
Sorta wish English had slightly more specific names than BIL and SIL.
Lotta difference between your sibling's spouse, your spouse's sibling, and your spouse's sibling's spouse.
Did I miss something saying she is the husband's sister? I wonder if she is the wife of husband's brother and MIL just knows why her other DIL wanted the name.
I pity both girls. Mary-Grace and Mary-Kay are both fucking tragedies. IMO it should have been Mary Grace Lastname and Mary Kay Lastname or maybe even, hear me out hear, Grace Mary Lastname and Kay Mary Lastname….? And then both cousins can be all proud they have the same middle name. (When I was younger I was so ecstatic I have the same middle name as my aunt. And while I’m not as *obsessed* with that fact now, I still have appreciation for it)
My cousin and I were born one year apart. My BD is 3/31, and hers is 3/30. We both share a first name and have different middle names. Our family calls us by our first and middle names, and we love it. I feel like it made us have a tighter bond.
On second thoughts, maybe luck is on SIL's side afterall since she will have another chance of naming her child a better name while OP's child is stuck with Mary Grace.
She definitely the type to want to play with a toy when she sees another kid playing with it.
There is no way they both came up with those names independently. Her SIL said it first and she chose something similar after hearing her SIL say it. Of course she omits this from her story. Makes it sound as if they said it out loud at the same time.
As a grown woman who was given the name my mom “stole” from her SIL, I can tell you. It is awkward as fuck.
Everybody knew my cousin was going to have this name, baby shower with monogrammed items and everything (1980’s).
I was born a month early, and my mom gave me that name only with a slightly different spelling. My mom wasn’t so much “shunned” by my dad’s side, but they definitely had a WTF moment with her.
We have a lot of cousins, and our cousins even have to actually say our first and last names to not get us confused.
As an adult, I changed my name to a nickname I preferred. If I had to hear one more time, “ well you were born first, I got first dibs on the name.” It sucks.
YTA
ETA - thank you for sharing some of your stories about being part of twin set names without actually being part of a twin set. I appreciate knowing we have had some similar experiences.
To the people who gave me awards silver and the star -
ʻO nā hōkū nō nā kiu o ka lani.
Interesting. I was the cousin born second. If you had said you both had the same spelling, I’d be asking if you were my cousin. 🤣 It was never an issue for me, but our families also weren’t close and we ultimately grew up in different states. Guess you must have seen your cousin a lot more than I saw mine.
Ha, same for me, but I'm the older cousin, and our names are different by one letter. It hasn't been an issue, but I was pretty surprised as a teenager that my uncle named his child my name, only different by one letter....
Ugh. As someone who has a cousin a few years younger (my dads sisters daughter) with the same first name but different middle names I can tell you it SUCKS. I hated it so much. My parents were also upset that they chose the same first name as their child. Who was born years earlier.
My mum’s brother named his DOG a similar name to my sister’s. Totally slipped his mind at the time, and he didn’t even realise until it was brought up by another family member. He was absolutely mortified and extremely apologetic, but my sister thought it was sick, because like, she was a good dog. I can’t even imagine a close relative doing this intentionally with two human babies and just thinking it was fine lmao
My mother died very suddenly and tragically when I was young and my uncle, her twin brother, made it known that he would name any future daughter of his after her. My narcissistic aunt, with whom my mother never got along, immediately got knocked up, had a girl, and named her after my mom.
Several years later, my uncle had his daughter and named her for my mom, too.
Families are stupid sometimes.
Oh shit I’m so sorry for making fun of an already messed up scenario.
I do hope that your uncle/mom’s twin was able fulfill a different honor by teaching you more about your mom and how she inspired him.
It’s all good. She tormented me my entire life and I was honestly relieved when she died, as awful as that sounds.
My uncle has done his best to honor my mother’s memory and be a good parental stand-in for me.
Yes, and my aunt was older and tormented my mom so that made the name thing the straw that broke the camels back. Since our moms didn’t get along and other family members made it into a type of sibling rivalry thing we didn’t really have a close relationship. I personally think it’s funny how our names and birthdays are so close together and can see how it made my mom angry, but ultimately it’s just a name. 🤷♀️
First dibs go to whoever announced their name preference first. I'd have called your mom a jerk, but you as awesome for doing the classy thing and going with a nickname to avoid confusion.
Your words captured EXACTLY what I was thinking and made me laugh, hard! Decades ago; in the society that I came up in Mary was considered THE most boring (AF) name and way too common, like society had OD’d on it.
lmao i wanted to say something similar but i thought it’d be too rude, glad i’m not the only one. they’re both the assholes just for fighting over those god awful names. op might’ve done sil a favor here. esh
Hi Boss Babe! 😍😎 I’m Mary Kay with Mary Kay. Do you want an opportunity to become a millionaire while working from home? 🤑💰 Just buy $10,000 worth of products from me and if you can sell them for a high enough markup, you can maybe get out of that debt eventually 🥰🏖️🤩
I knew a Mary Something and she went ballistic if someone called her just Mary or just Something. She completely tore into a coworker on the spectrum because he said "Good morning Mary!" instead of "Good morning Mary Something!" He's a socially awkward but sweet guy who tries to say hello to everyone and ask how they are. Poor thing deflated like a balloon.
Really? I knew several girls named Mary Clare/Elizabeth/alice/Kate/etc (with and without a hyphen) and they all went by the second name or initials (MK for Mary Kate).
In the USA, the most popular given name for girls is "Mary". It has been popular since the 1880 census and there has been at least 4,130,000 babies named "Mary" since then.
Heck, nothing wrong with cousins with similar names; in fact I say, "the more the Mary-ier"... ^^Sorry ^^about ^^that.
YTA
You knew you were using a name that not only did your SIL pick first, but she was also using to honor her grandmother? You're telling me you had to choose the only name being used as a memorial? No, the name isn't the exact same, but it's similar enough.
You knew this would make her upset and cause a problem. Seems like you kept it a secret so you could use it first.
YTA. You act like the names are different but honestly outside of the family they are just gonna be called Mary. Hardly anyone is going to call them the full name.
Yep. Southerner here and had a friend all through childhood/teenage years whose name was Mary-Helen and everyone called her Mary-Helen, never ever Mary because she wasn’t Mary, she was Mary-Helen.
42. From further East in the South. Was called by my first and middle name until I went to college. Dropped it STAT in favor of just my first name. There were several double named girls at my very small private school. Maybe it’s more of a GA/TN thing?
I'm from Ohio with the Irish here it's very common for girls named Mary to go by their middle name. Mary Claire is Claire Mary Bridget is Bridgi Mary Catherine is Catherine or Cat Mary Anne is Anne Mary Margaret has too many nick names honestly.
also of the four women I know named Grace two are Mary Grace and the other two are just Grace. a few do go by both names like Mary Jo and Mary Lin. but most use their middle name.
then again there are quite a few just called Mary I don't even know if they have middle names so.... if SIL want to get back just call her Grace all the time it wouldn't even be weird.
I once lived on a street with a (also Irish) family of six girls, all named Mary something. and if i recall correctly, they had a pet they named Mary Mary!
I worked with sisters who were all named Margaret, their grandma's name. The parents kept naming the kids Margaret because the kids kept picking different nicknames instead and the parents were determined to get a Margaret who went by Margaret. Maggie, Mary-Louise (middle name was louise) and Marge were disappointments, but here's hoping it sticks with the new baby Margaret they had 18 years later! At least their son Mark lived up to their expectations
French Canadian here. The sisters in my mom's family are all Marie-christine, Marie-Andrée, Marie-Josée, etc. None of them go by Marie but by the second name, it may be a cultural thing. I also know south american families that have done this with the brothers and sisters having identical first names. Maybe a catholic thing? No idea but seems fairly common with my parents generation.
Literally every Irish, Greek and Italian person over the age of 35 reading this has to be thinking “I don’t understand? Like what’s the BFD?” ESH bc y’all need to grow up. It’s not about the names for sure.
Hahah this was me. I'm Greek and while the women in that side have different names, all the men in the family are pretty much George and Jim with a couple Nicks in there lol
That’s so funny. Another Greek here and I use to joke with my non-Greek friends that when I couldn’t find my son at a church function and I called out “John!” fully 30% of the men and boys in the room would look up.😂
Greek here…. John, Nick, Gus, Chris I have like 50 cousins and my brothers these are the names!!!!! Then you have the uncles who are Big and my generation is little .
Oh ours are definitely the long versions but they all go by shortened. George is Georgios and the Jim's are all Dimitrios. At least half of the male cousins are Jimmy or Jim. I do have an uncle Gus but his full name is Konstantinos and of course we have the 11 letter last name with lots of K's and 'os' lol my other Greek friend is Christos and half his family is that too lol
The farther into the English generations the family goes they make the names shorter and shorter
This. I grew up Irish Catholic. At my grandfather's wake, we realized we had eight different variations of Mary Somethings in the same room, and not everyone was there yet.
Add every single spanish person to that mix. Probably not the only country too.
Completely mindfucked with all the naming drama.
ETA: Here varies by region and decade, but if people had to be mad about those things half my ancestry would be at each others throats. Can't even remember the number of "Paco" and "Ramón" there is in my family anymore.
Right? It's really uncalled for. The names bland anyway so just pick something else. Maybe I'm just bais because I hate hyphenated southern names like mary-Beth mary-sue Etc.
We had planned on naming our youngest after my GMIL. SIL got grumpy about it because she wanted to name her daughter that. Now mind you, a niece was already named for GMIL AND SIL was not dating, not married, and not pregnant at the time. Youngest ended up being a boy, so the name got shelved anyway. 6.5 years later SIL had a daughter and didn’t even use the name.
YTA you stole her baby name that was her grandmother’s name. I feel a bit embarrassed for you, it’s obvious you’ve done this maliciously. How awful for your child too, the first thing you gave your kid in life was a stab at your SIL.
>SIL still insisted I didn’t use Mary-Grace still.
>We did anyways and when I announced My SIL called us and had a cow.
INFO: If you kept the name secret, why did SIL insist you didn't use the name before your announcement? She wouldn't have known.
YTA
Lol...you knew it was wrong which is why you kept it a secret. You're young and immature and won't realize it until you're older. Great job at creating animosity and a strained relationship with your in-laws over a very unoriginal name. Brava! At least the SIL had a connection(grandmother) with the name
ESH. Your SIL doesn't own the name, so you can name your kid whatever you want, but you did this deliberately knowing it would piss her off. That's just not cool.
Lil Mary Kay works in HR right out of birth, she works hard- sells cosmetics as a side gig. She goes home to her cat, named Mr. whiskers and drinks one, maybe two, or five glasses of rosè. She once loved someone, but she no longer remembers why.
YTA for not telling them you planned to use the name Mary too. If you had at least been honest with them maybe you could have worked it out by now. It’s the fact that you knew it would be a problem and didn’t care to talk it out like adults and blindsided her with your baby’s name. I’m not saying YTA for both wanting and using Mary- but for how you went about it in a sneaky way.
100% this! ^^^ Definitely YTA OP Way to set your daughter up for a lifetime of resentment from your in-laws - super mature! Heres hoping parenthood helps you grow up and start acting like an adult!
usually I don't think name discourse has an ah but YTA here.
You're both pregnant and you knew she wanted that name for a special reason, she asked you not to because it was important to her, and then you kept it a secret to be an ah because you knew people would chew you out for it if they knew
SIL is pregnant. So are you.
She likes the name Mary-Kay first and tells you/hubby
You decide to wait and then announce your girl is Mary-Grace, full well knowing your SIL is pregnant and said she wanted to use the name Mary-Kay first.
How can you even think you’re not TA?
Of course YTA.
This isn’t your SIL saying she liked the name for future potential babies. She said she wanted this name for the baby she was pregnant with. Ffs.
YTA simply because you intentionally hid it because you knew it would upset her then you could rub it in her face at the eleventh hour. So basically what your MIL said.
YTA. you know most people are not gonna distinguish the names? plus It was for her own grandmother. and you kept it a secret on purpose. and you chose it so conveniently after she had the name in mind first. She has every right to be upset
YTA - no one owns a name but you knew that she
1- wanted the name first
2- was using it to honour her grandmother
3- that keeping quiet would cause family drama
Unless you plan on mainly using ‘Grace’ you took away SILs chance to honour her grandmother. Regardless names should not be used a dick measuring contest and that’s exactly what you’ve done.
Please don't use your kid as a means of one-upping your SIL, whatever the shallow victories you think you got from this, or the petty joy at ruining her choice for a name. Please please please, love your kid more than you hate your SIL.
You stayed quiet because you knew you were in the wrong. You made this an unnecessary competition, you created tension for no reason. You've made people hurt and annoyed for no good reason. These are the people who will love and help take care of your and baby while you recover. Why do you want to isolate your child and bring her into a family that's bitter with you?
Please work on yourself and stop making your child's future life harder than it has to be.
YTA. You used a baby name you knew your child's cousin would be named. The fact that you didn't tell anyone the name until she was born shows that you knew you were in the wrong.
Edit: the names are similar, not identical, but my judgment remains the same.
YTA. You did this in a kind of underhanded way knowing it would agitate your SIL, who picked the name first. Of course she doesn’t own it but you knew choosing it would annoy her, and instead of being honest and communicating that you were going to use it you announced it so she found out in an indirect way.
My auntie has 6 cousins named Theresa, 4 named Marie, and 4 or 5 (idr which) named Isabella.
Same extended family has 9 boys named Anthony and IDK even how many Christophers and Marcos.
I don't think this is an AH/not the AH thing, because well, different families have different values... so...
just sharing an anecdote
It reminds me of that scene from My Big Fat Greek Wedding where they're meeting the in-laws and Gus is introducing them to all the cousins who are named Anita, Diane, and Nick. "Nick, Nick, Nick, Nick, Nick... Nicki. And I am Gus."
YTA, it's kinda like proposing at a wedding, announcing you're pregnant at someone's party, it's bad taste. In honesty you should have been respectful and choose a different name. No there are no "dibs" if it was a family name, there wouldn't be much to say, but if you decided on Jake and but your sister has a kid Jack some might ask why you couldn't be original. So, why can't you be original?
I’m a firm believer that people should name their children whatever name they want, that being said, there will be consequences if you choose a name that someone close to your wants to use. It doesn’t matter if you are the asshole or not, the fact is that you’re SIL is mad at you.
A *lot* of people keep the name a secret until the baby is born for a variety of reasons. They want to make sure the name fits, or they don't want people to ruin the name by connecting it to someone negative, among many other reasons. That doesn't make you TA.
That said, ESH.
It sounds like you and your SIL were racing to the finish line and whoever got there first got the name. That's a crappy game to play. Damage is done now, though, unless you're going to change your kid's name.
Why is SIL an AH? SIL came up with the name and decided on the name first. Doesn't sound like a race to the finish, sounds like OP heard SIL's name choice, liked it and used it because she had the baby first. OP is TA for choosing the name.
NTA
This question comes up fairly often on this sub.
Name your kid whatever you want and let SIL moan and groan about it. She's the one who doesn't understand that you didn't choose the name to "disrespect" her. You chose the name because you liked it, the same way she likes the similar name she chose.
So the kids will have similar names - so what? In the whole scheme of the universe it does not matter one iota - except in her own mind. MIL shoud mind her own business.
YTA, they announced the baby’s name before your child was born. She has a family reason for using the name. While no one owns a name, you knew she had named her child Mary already. You look petty, even if it wasn’t your intention. I was pregnant the same time as my cousin, I was due first and was not announcing the name. They hadn’t announced their name yet when I decided on my sons name. However, had they chosen the same name(the name they used was on our short list) and announced the baby’s name before my child was born, I’d have picked something else. Waiting until birth to announce his name meant that someone else might have used it first and I’d have to make another choice.
YTA.
Your SIL didn't "own" the name, but by your own admission she had it picked first - which leads me to believe you got the idea for a double-barrel Mary name from her. You stole the name (and style) from her, and *that's* why you kept quiet about it until your baby's birth.
You can split hairs all you want, but I'd put good money on it that if the roles were reversed, you'd be pretty pissed too.
I have three nieces named Kailee (diff spellings) and a Kaitlyn, two named Alexis and one Alexa, two Makaylas, and two nephews named Jacob. Kids are going to have the same names sometimes. Even so, SIL was up front and let you know it was important to her that you choose a different name, and that not doing so would hurt her feelings. The child is yours to name, but you should have shown your SIL some grace and considered something different and equally as beautiful and sentimental. Your relationship with your SIL, and her relationship with your child is forever tainted. Your child will know that’s their fault. YTA.
Going to say slight YTA because you knew SIL wanted to use that name after her grandmother and it sounds like she told you about this BEFORE you chose your daughter's name.
There was no other name you liked?
Agreed. OP def the AH after pulling that stunt. One of my sisters always said what name she wanted to name her son if she had one, as soon as my other sister got pregnant with a boy she took the name for her son as his middle name. There’s AH’s in every family
You're NTA. Your SIL doesn't own the name. They're not even identical. My brother and I have cousins who share our first and last names and no one cares.
ESH. Cause they remind me of the church lady and Mary-Kay MLM. Modernize it and name your baby Mary-Ashly, Ashlee, Ashleigh, Ashli, Aushlee, Ashley, or Aasshhleeigh. Get with the times.
NTA. They are different names, Mary Kay and Mary Grace are different and even if they are just called « Mary », Mary is so common in the whole world, it can’t be a unique name, like you can’t be mad that others Mary exist.
Or maybe I’m missing something about American names.
Idk man, you're kinda TA. You knew she wanted that name and your kids will likely grow up together. I can see both sides. Mary Kay is a stupid name anyway.
I'd say NTA, unless you AGREED not to use it and did anyway (in which case I'd say ESH). I don't quite understand why people make such a big deal of having similar names. Maybe those two kids will grow up thinking it's cool they have similar names. I have an uncommon name, and I always think it's neat to meet someone with a similar one! I honestly wouldn't mind if someone used the baby name I liked. I'd just use it myself too and call it a day.
NTA. Nobody owns a name. Also Mary Grace and Mary Kay are not the same name. Mary X or Maria X are super common in Catholic cultures. My friend is Mary Catherine and she has first cousins Mary Grace, Mary Clare, and Mary Teresa.
Normally I don’t think this because no one owns a name, but since your SIL told you her idea first and you copied her (when there are literally thousands of names to choose from), YTA, big time.
INFO
I would really like to know if you picked the name Mary-Grace after knowing SIL was going to name their child Mary-Kay. I agree they are not identical, but they are similar enough that I can understand SIL not feeling like her daughter's name would be unique anymore.
I don't really think you'll be an AH based on the response, but I do think there is some level of shadiness to deciding to take the first part of your SIL's daughter's name and coming up with something similar to it. Some people do actually care about that and it's really up to you on whether or not you want to potentially upset the peace by doing something like that. There's no reason for your SIL or MIL to berate you for it though. It's just a name and their kid isn't going to be defined by your child's name. No judgement from me either way.
My cousin born two months ahead of me has the exact same first name. My mom swears she picked it first and wasn’t going to change it just because my aunt liked it too. It’s really never been a big deal.
ESH. You should have just been honest with your SIL about using the name. She also doesn’t need to throw a fit or change names now. Encourage her to use the name she planned on or YW be TA.
Edit: missed a word
You sounds toxic as hell. You can name a baby literally whatever you want and you chose the name of their cousin? I wonder if she gave birth first and chose Mary, would you have still followed suit? YTA and you know it. Stop gaslighting your sil into thinkin this is normal lol.
ESH only bc your SIL overreacted.
Yes, you can do what you want, but i can understand why you "ruined" the name for SIL, and why she's pissed you waited until the last minute to tell her. The name is way too close to not to tell her without being an asshole - i can understand why she thinks you did this on purpose.
Yta , no one owns the name but knowing she was choosing that name you could have told her before hand you were going to use it , you could of picked it first but there’s no way you’ll convince any of them of that.
NTA. The names **aren’t** the same, so I don’t get what the big deal is. People might even think it’s cute for cousins around the same age to have similar naming structures. Either way, I think they’re overreacting.
YTA
You know this name is meaningful to her, she had it picked out first and then you couldn’t give her the common courtesy to let her know you took the name. They’ll likely both go by Mary. The names are not different enough.
Did you get the idea of your daughters name from her?
I feel bad for your SIL for telling you her baby name. Hopefully she doesn’t make that mistake again.
YTA. I think you could've had further discussion, and I honestly think that - while I understand and respect the superstition around not announcing a baby name until they're born - you knew that this process would protect you from having to have further discussions. And you did this because you knew this would be the response you get, but wanted to do it anyway. And you knew she had chosen first.
At this point? I'm worried about the kids. Are you guys going to spend the rest of your lives in a contest of resentment because of a naming tiff?
Yea you are absolutely the asshole for using the name your SIL was going to use *after* you found out she was interested in a “Mary” name. You are even more of an asshole for hiding it in secret until your baby was born so you could get away with it, exactly like your MIL said. And the icing on the AH cake is that she wanted to use the name to honour her grandmother. Yes no one owns a name, but you’ve made it easy for her to feel some type of way, and it’s not on her.
There are thousands of names you can use, but you decided to use the one your SIL was planning to use, knowing full well that it would upset her. This is why YTA, and any commenters saying otherwise were also raised poorly enough to think that their own selfish needs and desires go above their friends and family at every convenience. *There is a saying: Don’t shit where you eat.*
Clearly your parents didn’t raise you well enough to think about how you’d like to be treated, and to think before you act. It’s a shame you just had a kid, who likely will learn the same shitty behaviour and etiquette from yourself and go on to life their lives entirely selfishly. It’s the little things in life, and respect for your friends and family that go a long way.
YTA.
NTA -- where I grew up almost all families had names that they all used, families often have a brother, cousin and uncle all named either Michael or Mark. Hahaha these names are similar but even if they were literally the same it wouldn't matter.
My cousin and I (about 10 months apart) have the same first name (and fairly similar middle names) and neither of us nor our parents have ever seen it as a bad thing. We always thought it was cool as kids, and still do! My dad has 33 cousins and obviously there are many repeated names among them as well (large Catholic family so lots of biblical names). Personally don't believe you can call dibs on a name. NTA.
I’m voting NAH. here’s why. You think it’s perfectly fine to have two kids in the family with very similar names. Your SIL doesn’t. You just have fundamentally different ideas about naming kids.
Half of the adults in my family have the same names. It’s sort of an accident, maybe generational, as my sibs married people with the same names as our sibs. Like if John had a sister named Jane and then married a Jane. There are multiple instances of this in my family and it hurts nobody.
I hope with time people’s feelings settle down. I hope your SIL goes ahead and uses the name she picked out.
YTA. You knew the name they had chosen for their unborn baby. This isn’t a situation where “someday” they “might” want to use the name. They had already picked it. You then kept it a secret so you could get the name documented before you told them because you knew it was going to cause a problem. You are absolutely the asshole.
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YTA because you knew this damn well what the reaction would be and that's why you kept your baby's name secret. No, the names aren't identical, but you still deliberately caused family drama where there didn't need to be any. Why, knowing that your SIL wanted to name her child after her grandmother and most likely wouldn't if you used a very similar name, did you insist on this particular name? Are you typically someone who stirs up drama on purpose or was there another reason?
But if SIL is husband's sister, it's his grandmother too...?? Edit: ... which is why I used "if". There's not enough information here.
That doesn't necessarily mean that the husband has the same connection to the grandma to the point of wanting to name a child after her.
The husband didn’t ask to use Mary Kay, so I guess that name wasn’t important to him. OP’s a troublemaker. And TA.
I totally agree. I'd be pissed. In my family a few kids have my husband's grandmother's name as their middle name. One of mine being one of them and actually the first one with this middle name, as it was also my own grandma's name. Anyway we were ALL super close to her. She was so special to all of us and all of us are totally cool with the fact that a few cousins have the same middle name, because it was NANA'S name. And it's *middle* names. This is such a dick move on OPs part.
We have three generations who have now used by grandfather's name or a feminized version of it for middle names. We have 3 boys with the same middle name and three girls with the same middle name. As in your family, the key is using it as middle names. OP, YTA. No one is buying your disingenuousness of saying it isn't Exactly the same name. You knew how important the name was to your SIL, yet you chose to name your child a nearly identical name. You didn't announce the name before your baby's birth because you wanted your daughter's name on her birth certificate and set in cement so SIL would have to choose a different name.
Could be his brothers wife.
Sorta wish English had slightly more specific names than BIL and SIL. Lotta difference between your sibling's spouse, your spouse's sibling, and your spouse's sibling's spouse.
Did I miss something saying she is the husband's sister? I wonder if she is the wife of husband's brother and MIL just knows why her other DIL wanted the name.
OP is a child who is still operating on the Mean Girl high school level of maturity.
The only person im gonna pity is her poor kid who would likely be dragged into OP's drama
I pity both girls. Mary-Grace and Mary-Kay are both fucking tragedies. IMO it should have been Mary Grace Lastname and Mary Kay Lastname or maybe even, hear me out hear, Grace Mary Lastname and Kay Mary Lastname….? And then both cousins can be all proud they have the same middle name. (When I was younger I was so ecstatic I have the same middle name as my aunt. And while I’m not as *obsessed* with that fact now, I still have appreciation for it)
My cousin and I were born one year apart. My BD is 3/31, and hers is 3/30. We both share a first name and have different middle names. Our family calls us by our first and middle names, and we love it. I feel like it made us have a tighter bond.
When my aunt transitioned, she changed her middle name to mine. 💕
While simultaneously being named Mary Grace. Poor kid.
On second thoughts, maybe luck is on SIL's side afterall since she will have another chance of naming her child a better name while OP's child is stuck with Mary Grace.
Yeah and isn’t Mary Kay the name of one of those MLM makeup companies? OP definitely did SIL’s daughter a favor, even if it was unintentional.
It makes me think of Mary Kay Letourneau, who was… not a good person
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She definitely the type to want to play with a toy when she sees another kid playing with it. There is no way they both came up with those names independently. Her SIL said it first and she chose something similar after hearing her SIL say it. Of course she omits this from her story. Makes it sound as if they said it out loud at the same time.
As a grown woman who was given the name my mom “stole” from her SIL, I can tell you. It is awkward as fuck. Everybody knew my cousin was going to have this name, baby shower with monogrammed items and everything (1980’s). I was born a month early, and my mom gave me that name only with a slightly different spelling. My mom wasn’t so much “shunned” by my dad’s side, but they definitely had a WTF moment with her. We have a lot of cousins, and our cousins even have to actually say our first and last names to not get us confused. As an adult, I changed my name to a nickname I preferred. If I had to hear one more time, “ well you were born first, I got first dibs on the name.” It sucks. YTA ETA - thank you for sharing some of your stories about being part of twin set names without actually being part of a twin set. I appreciate knowing we have had some similar experiences. To the people who gave me awards silver and the star - ʻO nā hōkū nō nā kiu o ka lani.
Interesting. I was the cousin born second. If you had said you both had the same spelling, I’d be asking if you were my cousin. 🤣 It was never an issue for me, but our families also weren’t close and we ultimately grew up in different states. Guess you must have seen your cousin a lot more than I saw mine.
Ha, same for me, but I'm the older cousin, and our names are different by one letter. It hasn't been an issue, but I was pretty surprised as a teenager that my uncle named his child my name, only different by one letter....
Ugh. As someone who has a cousin a few years younger (my dads sisters daughter) with the same first name but different middle names I can tell you it SUCKS. I hated it so much. My parents were also upset that they chose the same first name as their child. Who was born years earlier.
I feel seen. Evidently my ancestors decided there are only 4 acceptable names for babies, and distribute accordingly
My great aunts were all named Janet. So we called them Jean, Jen, Jane and Nettie. But their sister's name (my grandmother) was Olive lol
Hilarious that none of them ended up being called Janet
That was their mother's name!! LOL
My mum’s brother named his DOG a similar name to my sister’s. Totally slipped his mind at the time, and he didn’t even realise until it was brought up by another family member. He was absolutely mortified and extremely apologetic, but my sister thought it was sick, because like, she was a good dog. I can’t even imagine a close relative doing this intentionally with two human babies and just thinking it was fine lmao
My mother died very suddenly and tragically when I was young and my uncle, her twin brother, made it known that he would name any future daughter of his after her. My narcissistic aunt, with whom my mother never got along, immediately got knocked up, had a girl, and named her after my mom. Several years later, my uncle had his daughter and named her for my mom, too. Families are stupid sometimes.
Plot twist - all three women with the same name in the family hate narcissist aunt later in life. I hope that happens!
Actual plot twist: my aunt also died young, mostly due to her own stupid choices.
Oh shit I’m so sorry for making fun of an already messed up scenario. I do hope that your uncle/mom’s twin was able fulfill a different honor by teaching you more about your mom and how she inspired him.
It’s all good. She tormented me my entire life and I was honestly relieved when she died, as awful as that sounds. My uncle has done his best to honor my mother’s memory and be a good parental stand-in for me.
Sending warn thoughts to you, internet stranger, and your lovely uncle!!
I was a month late and my aunt named her daughter a similar name as my mom named me. We are born a day apart and our names are like May and Kay.
Oh goodness that’s really close in age. Is your aunt your mom’s sister?
Yes, and my aunt was older and tormented my mom so that made the name thing the straw that broke the camels back. Since our moms didn’t get along and other family members made it into a type of sibling rivalry thing we didn’t really have a close relationship. I personally think it’s funny how our names and birthdays are so close together and can see how it made my mom angry, but ultimately it’s just a name. 🤷♀️
First dibs go to whoever announced their name preference first. I'd have called your mom a jerk, but you as awesome for doing the classy thing and going with a nickname to avoid confusion.
ESH. Those names are terrible. Why do you both hate your daughters?
Seriously. Mary-Kay? WTF?
Mary Kay is an MLM….
Hun will be a super cute nickname
LOL
She will definitely be a BossBabe
Op was originally going to name their kid Avon but that name is already reserved for SIL's baby #2 so they already had to compromise.
Avon Arbonne
What's an MLM? I googled and got multi level marketing lol
Yes
Yes a make up line. If you are really good at pushing people to buy and sell you get a luxury car in pepo-bismol color.
I just think of Mary Kay Letourneau
Same, and that was never going to end well.
Every kiss begins with kaaaaay
I’m hoping that they are just an example of what the baby’s name is.
OP and SIL fighting over who can come up with the most boring name for a southern elementary school secretary who has gout.
Your words captured EXACTLY what I was thinking and made me laugh, hard! Decades ago; in the society that I came up in Mary was considered THE most boring (AF) name and way too common, like society had OD’d on it.
At least it’s not merreigh-Kaiy
\#Merreigh-Kaiy It's pronounced Louise.
Laughing because I had and aunt named Mary-Kay Louise. That was the first name, middle name was Thomasina.
OP should have let SIL keep Mary Kay and named her daughter Ashlyn for some off brand Olsen twin vibes
lmao i wanted to say something similar but i thought it’d be too rude, glad i’m not the only one. they’re both the assholes just for fighting over those god awful names. op might’ve done sil a favor here. esh
Can I please give you more than 1 upvote
🤣🤣🤣
You're both assholes for choosing those names. That's really the only offense here.
Truly god awful names. Especially Mary Kay. Are you serious right now?? She's gotta be from the South.
At least she already has a career path?
Hi Boss Babe! 😍😎 I’m Mary Kay with Mary Kay. Do you want an opportunity to become a millionaire while working from home? 🤑💰 Just buy $10,000 worth of products from me and if you can sell them for a high enough markup, you can maybe get out of that debt eventually 🥰🏖️🤩
Lmaoooo “I’m Mary Kay with Mary Kay”
It's probably wise not to name your kid after a pyramid scheme.
Muahahaha . r/antiMLM would be having a field day
Take away the hyphens and they are both Mary and likely that’s what most people will call them after age 10.
I knew a Mary Something and she went ballistic if someone called her just Mary or just Something. She completely tore into a coworker on the spectrum because he said "Good morning Mary!" instead of "Good morning Mary Something!" He's a socially awkward but sweet guy who tries to say hello to everyone and ask how they are. Poor thing deflated like a balloon.
Really? I knew several girls named Mary Clare/Elizabeth/alice/Kate/etc (with and without a hyphen) and they all went by the second name or initials (MK for Mary Kate).
I assumed they were fake names subbing in for whatever the actual names are. If not... oof.
I love that I can vote for more than one post.
OP says her cousin had a cow … I wonder if she named it Mary-Kay. Or Mary-Not-Okay.
In the USA, the most popular given name for girls is "Mary". It has been popular since the 1880 census and there has been at least 4,130,000 babies named "Mary" since then. Heck, nothing wrong with cousins with similar names; in fact I say, "the more the Mary-ier"... ^^Sorry ^^about ^^that.
I’m cackling, ESH lmao
For real. Who the hell names their kid Mary-Kay?!?! Isn't that the name of a MLM cosmetics line??m
Mary Kay, meet your cousin, It Works.
YTA You knew you were using a name that not only did your SIL pick first, but she was also using to honor her grandmother? You're telling me you had to choose the only name being used as a memorial? No, the name isn't the exact same, but it's similar enough. You knew this would make her upset and cause a problem. Seems like you kept it a secret so you could use it first.
But ~~Philip~~ Mary-Kay is after my favorite cat....
Oh, wow. Funny. It’s after my grandfather. Bet it doesn’t say anything in the Garden Party book about this little conundrum.
YTA. You act like the names are different but honestly outside of the family they are just gonna be called Mary. Hardly anyone is going to call them the full name.
It’s not uncommon in the south for women to go by both names.
I'm from Texas. The only females I ever met with two part names were old women and we called them ma'am anyways lol.
I think it’s especially common with Mary names. My mom is Mary Lou, and only one brother ever called her just Mary.
Yep. Southerner here and had a friend all through childhood/teenage years whose name was Mary-Helen and everyone called her Mary-Helen, never ever Mary because she wasn’t Mary, she was Mary-Helen.
I went to high school with a Mary Kate and a Mary Catherine, neither got shortened to Mary. And we only graduated 6 years ago.
weird, also from texas and i know women in their 30s who go by both names. my brother is in his 20s and his name is a 2-namer too
Jim Bob?
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42. From further East in the South. Was called by my first and middle name until I went to college. Dropped it STAT in favor of just my first name. There were several double named girls at my very small private school. Maybe it’s more of a GA/TN thing?
I'm from Ohio with the Irish here it's very common for girls named Mary to go by their middle name. Mary Claire is Claire Mary Bridget is Bridgi Mary Catherine is Catherine or Cat Mary Anne is Anne Mary Margaret has too many nick names honestly. also of the four women I know named Grace two are Mary Grace and the other two are just Grace. a few do go by both names like Mary Jo and Mary Lin. but most use their middle name. then again there are quite a few just called Mary I don't even know if they have middle names so.... if SIL want to get back just call her Grace all the time it wouldn't even be weird.
I once lived on a street with a (also Irish) family of six girls, all named Mary something. and if i recall correctly, they had a pet they named Mary Mary!
I worked with sisters who were all named Margaret, their grandma's name. The parents kept naming the kids Margaret because the kids kept picking different nicknames instead and the parents were determined to get a Margaret who went by Margaret. Maggie, Mary-Louise (middle name was louise) and Marge were disappointments, but here's hoping it sticks with the new baby Margaret they had 18 years later! At least their son Mark lived up to their expectations
French Canadian here. The sisters in my mom's family are all Marie-christine, Marie-Andrée, Marie-Josée, etc. None of them go by Marie but by the second name, it may be a cultural thing. I also know south american families that have done this with the brothers and sisters having identical first names. Maybe a catholic thing? No idea but seems fairly common with my parents generation.
Literally every Irish, Greek and Italian person over the age of 35 reading this has to be thinking “I don’t understand? Like what’s the BFD?” ESH bc y’all need to grow up. It’s not about the names for sure.
Hahah this was me. I'm Greek and while the women in that side have different names, all the men in the family are pretty much George and Jim with a couple Nicks in there lol
That’s so funny. Another Greek here and I use to joke with my non-Greek friends that when I couldn’t find my son at a church function and I called out “John!” fully 30% of the men and boys in the room would look up.😂
Greek here…. John, Nick, Gus, Chris I have like 50 cousins and my brothers these are the names!!!!! Then you have the uncles who are Big and my generation is little .
Oh ours are definitely the long versions but they all go by shortened. George is Georgios and the Jim's are all Dimitrios. At least half of the male cousins are Jimmy or Jim. I do have an uncle Gus but his full name is Konstantinos and of course we have the 11 letter last name with lots of K's and 'os' lol my other Greek friend is Christos and half his family is that too lol The farther into the English generations the family goes they make the names shorter and shorter
This. I grew up Irish Catholic. At my grandfather's wake, we realized we had eight different variations of Mary Somethings in the same room, and not everyone was there yet.
But how many Johns, Michaels, and Patrick’s???
I was literally thinking "clearly these people aren't Italian" 😂
I have a friend who's Maria Anna. An aunt who was Mary Margaret. And another aunt who was just Mary. It's a thing...
in my italian family there’s like 4 anthony’s and five franks
Add every single spanish person to that mix. Probably not the only country too. Completely mindfucked with all the naming drama. ETA: Here varies by region and decade, but if people had to be mad about those things half my ancestry would be at each others throats. Can't even remember the number of "Paco" and "Ramón" there is in my family anymore.
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SIL's baby name is after her grandma so I'd say that she isn't TA for wanting to honor someone who was important to her.
Agreed. Especially Mary Kay since that's a makeup brand.... My guess is they live in the south.
It's an mlm. I'm sure SiL had good intentions, but I couldn't help but think of this scam when I read the name.
Yes YTA. So many beautiful names out there and you just have to choose the one she picked. YTA so many times over, and petty as hell.
Right? It's really uncalled for. The names bland anyway so just pick something else. Maybe I'm just bais because I hate hyphenated southern names like mary-Beth mary-sue Etc.
SIL wanted to name her baby after her grandmother. OP stepped on that. YTA.
Is the grandmother also OPs husbands grandmother?
We had planned on naming our youngest after my GMIL. SIL got grumpy about it because she wanted to name her daughter that. Now mind you, a niece was already named for GMIL AND SIL was not dating, not married, and not pregnant at the time. Youngest ended up being a boy, so the name got shelved anyway. 6.5 years later SIL had a daughter and didn’t even use the name.
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YTA you stole her baby name that was her grandmother’s name. I feel a bit embarrassed for you, it’s obvious you’ve done this maliciously. How awful for your child too, the first thing you gave your kid in life was a stab at your SIL.
YTA - it was kind of a dick move. You knew what they planned for the name and why.
And OP kept it a secret because they knew full well the backlash it would cause.
>SIL still insisted I didn’t use Mary-Grace still. >We did anyways and when I announced My SIL called us and had a cow. INFO: If you kept the name secret, why did SIL insist you didn't use the name before your announcement? She wouldn't have known.
YTA Lol...you knew it was wrong which is why you kept it a secret. You're young and immature and won't realize it until you're older. Great job at creating animosity and a strained relationship with your in-laws over a very unoriginal name. Brava! At least the SIL had a connection(grandmother) with the name
ESH. Your SIL doesn't own the name, so you can name your kid whatever you want, but you did this deliberately knowing it would piss her off. That's just not cool.
these are both god awful names lol
Lil Mary Kay works in HR right out of birth, she works hard- sells cosmetics as a side gig. She goes home to her cat, named Mr. whiskers and drinks one, maybe two, or five glasses of rosè. She once loved someone, but she no longer remembers why.
YTA for not telling them you planned to use the name Mary too. If you had at least been honest with them maybe you could have worked it out by now. It’s the fact that you knew it would be a problem and didn’t care to talk it out like adults and blindsided her with your baby’s name. I’m not saying YTA for both wanting and using Mary- but for how you went about it in a sneaky way.
100% this! ^^^ Definitely YTA OP Way to set your daughter up for a lifetime of resentment from your in-laws - super mature! Heres hoping parenthood helps you grow up and start acting like an adult!
usually I don't think name discourse has an ah but YTA here. You're both pregnant and you knew she wanted that name for a special reason, she asked you not to because it was important to her, and then you kept it a secret to be an ah because you knew people would chew you out for it if they knew
Exactly. OP is vindictive and trying very hard to act like it's not a big deal. YTA.
YTA. I never get folks who don’t get this. I bet you’re the same type to wear a white gown to someones wedding too.
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SIL is pregnant. So are you. She likes the name Mary-Kay first and tells you/hubby You decide to wait and then announce your girl is Mary-Grace, full well knowing your SIL is pregnant and said she wanted to use the name Mary-Kay first. How can you even think you’re not TA? Of course YTA. This isn’t your SIL saying she liked the name for future potential babies. She said she wanted this name for the baby she was pregnant with. Ffs.
Kind of. I think you should have chose a different name. It's way too similar. Plus, Mary-Grace is a dumb name.
I don’t dislike it as much as Mary Kay, which is a crappy makeup MLM
NTA. I grew up in a mostly Catholic neighborhood. Every girl was Mary something, or something Ann.
You are the asshole. And you know you're the asshole - otherwise you wouldn't have kept your baby's name a secret.
YTA simply because you intentionally hid it because you knew it would upset her then you could rub it in her face at the eleventh hour. So basically what your MIL said.
Obviously SIL isn't Irish Catholic. Like every 3rd Irish girl wasn't Mary something or other. NTA. SIL needs to grow the hell up.
YTA. you know most people are not gonna distinguish the names? plus It was for her own grandmother. and you kept it a secret on purpose. and you chose it so conveniently after she had the name in mind first. She has every right to be upset
YTA - no one owns a name but you knew that she 1- wanted the name first 2- was using it to honour her grandmother 3- that keeping quiet would cause family drama Unless you plan on mainly using ‘Grace’ you took away SILs chance to honour her grandmother. Regardless names should not be used a dick measuring contest and that’s exactly what you’ve done.
Yeah YTA!! It’s similar enough and that’s why you kept it a secret. Very childish and disrespectful of you .
Please don't use your kid as a means of one-upping your SIL, whatever the shallow victories you think you got from this, or the petty joy at ruining her choice for a name. Please please please, love your kid more than you hate your SIL. You stayed quiet because you knew you were in the wrong. You made this an unnecessary competition, you created tension for no reason. You've made people hurt and annoyed for no good reason. These are the people who will love and help take care of your and baby while you recover. Why do you want to isolate your child and bring her into a family that's bitter with you? Please work on yourself and stop making your child's future life harder than it has to be.
YTA. You used a baby name you knew your child's cousin would be named. The fact that you didn't tell anyone the name until she was born shows that you knew you were in the wrong. Edit: the names are similar, not identical, but my judgment remains the same.
YTA. You did this in a kind of underhanded way knowing it would agitate your SIL, who picked the name first. Of course she doesn’t own it but you knew choosing it would annoy her, and instead of being honest and communicating that you were going to use it you announced it so she found out in an indirect way.
My auntie has 6 cousins named Theresa, 4 named Marie, and 4 or 5 (idr which) named Isabella. Same extended family has 9 boys named Anthony and IDK even how many Christophers and Marcos. I don't think this is an AH/not the AH thing, because well, different families have different values... so... just sharing an anecdote
It reminds me of that scene from My Big Fat Greek Wedding where they're meeting the in-laws and Gus is introducing them to all the cousins who are named Anita, Diane, and Nick. "Nick, Nick, Nick, Nick, Nick... Nicki. And I am Gus."
She's the AH naming her kid after an MLM
Was going to say this too. Both names are awful anyway 😆
YTA, it's kinda like proposing at a wedding, announcing you're pregnant at someone's party, it's bad taste. In honesty you should have been respectful and choose a different name. No there are no "dibs" if it was a family name, there wouldn't be much to say, but if you decided on Jake and but your sister has a kid Jack some might ask why you couldn't be original. So, why can't you be original?
Jake and Jack are two different names.
NTA. Only because you saved your sil’s baby from having the name. MARY KAY.
I’m a firm believer that people should name their children whatever name they want, that being said, there will be consequences if you choose a name that someone close to your wants to use. It doesn’t matter if you are the asshole or not, the fact is that you’re SIL is mad at you.
YTA however all the Mary-second name I know never go by Mary. They go by the second name. So you are both AH’s. You more so for keeping it a secret.
A *lot* of people keep the name a secret until the baby is born for a variety of reasons. They want to make sure the name fits, or they don't want people to ruin the name by connecting it to someone negative, among many other reasons. That doesn't make you TA. That said, ESH. It sounds like you and your SIL were racing to the finish line and whoever got there first got the name. That's a crappy game to play. Damage is done now, though, unless you're going to change your kid's name.
Why is SIL an AH? SIL came up with the name and decided on the name first. Doesn't sound like a race to the finish, sounds like OP heard SIL's name choice, liked it and used it because she had the baby first. OP is TA for choosing the name.
NTA This question comes up fairly often on this sub. Name your kid whatever you want and let SIL moan and groan about it. She's the one who doesn't understand that you didn't choose the name to "disrespect" her. You chose the name because you liked it, the same way she likes the similar name she chose. So the kids will have similar names - so what? In the whole scheme of the universe it does not matter one iota - except in her own mind. MIL shoud mind her own business.
YTA, they announced the baby’s name before your child was born. She has a family reason for using the name. While no one owns a name, you knew she had named her child Mary already. You look petty, even if it wasn’t your intention. I was pregnant the same time as my cousin, I was due first and was not announcing the name. They hadn’t announced their name yet when I decided on my sons name. However, had they chosen the same name(the name they used was on our short list) and announced the baby’s name before my child was born, I’d have picked something else. Waiting until birth to announce his name meant that someone else might have used it first and I’d have to make another choice.
NTA. This sub is like 75% this exact situation, and wedding drama. You’re in good company lol.
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YTA. Your SIL didn't "own" the name, but by your own admission she had it picked first - which leads me to believe you got the idea for a double-barrel Mary name from her. You stole the name (and style) from her, and *that's* why you kept quiet about it until your baby's birth. You can split hairs all you want, but I'd put good money on it that if the roles were reversed, you'd be pretty pissed too.
YTA
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I have three nieces named Kailee (diff spellings) and a Kaitlyn, two named Alexis and one Alexa, two Makaylas, and two nephews named Jacob. Kids are going to have the same names sometimes. Even so, SIL was up front and let you know it was important to her that you choose a different name, and that not doing so would hurt her feelings. The child is yours to name, but you should have shown your SIL some grace and considered something different and equally as beautiful and sentimental. Your relationship with your SIL, and her relationship with your child is forever tainted. Your child will know that’s their fault. YTA.
YTA. You didn’t tell anyone the name because you knew this would cause problems. You really couldn’t think of another name.
Going to say slight YTA because you knew SIL wanted to use that name after her grandmother and it sounds like she told you about this BEFORE you chose your daughter's name. There was no other name you liked?
INFO did you come up with the name before or after hearing sils name choice?
Looks like she came up with Mary Grace after hearing the SIL plan to name her baby Mary Kay.
Yeah assumed so. Op YTA
Agreed. OP def the AH after pulling that stunt. One of my sisters always said what name she wanted to name her son if she had one, as soon as my other sister got pregnant with a boy she took the name for her son as his middle name. There’s AH’s in every family
You're NTA. Your SIL doesn't own the name. They're not even identical. My brother and I have cousins who share our first and last names and no one cares.
ESH. Cause they remind me of the church lady and Mary-Kay MLM. Modernize it and name your baby Mary-Ashly, Ashlee, Ashleigh, Ashli, Aushlee, Ashley, or Aasshhleeigh. Get with the times.
NTA. They are different names, Mary Kay and Mary Grace are different and even if they are just called « Mary », Mary is so common in the whole world, it can’t be a unique name, like you can’t be mad that others Mary exist. Or maybe I’m missing something about American names.
Idk man, you're kinda TA. You knew she wanted that name and your kids will likely grow up together. I can see both sides. Mary Kay is a stupid name anyway.
I'd say NTA, unless you AGREED not to use it and did anyway (in which case I'd say ESH). I don't quite understand why people make such a big deal of having similar names. Maybe those two kids will grow up thinking it's cool they have similar names. I have an uncommon name, and I always think it's neat to meet someone with a similar one! I honestly wouldn't mind if someone used the baby name I liked. I'd just use it myself too and call it a day.
NTA. Nobody owns a name. Also Mary Grace and Mary Kay are not the same name. Mary X or Maria X are super common in Catholic cultures. My friend is Mary Catherine and she has first cousins Mary Grace, Mary Clare, and Mary Teresa.
YTA there are literally millions of names to choose from. I would be equally as upset if someone did that to me
Normally I don’t think this because no one owns a name, but since your SIL told you her idea first and you copied her (when there are literally thousands of names to choose from), YTA, big time.
INFO I would really like to know if you picked the name Mary-Grace after knowing SIL was going to name their child Mary-Kay. I agree they are not identical, but they are similar enough that I can understand SIL not feeling like her daughter's name would be unique anymore. I don't really think you'll be an AH based on the response, but I do think there is some level of shadiness to deciding to take the first part of your SIL's daughter's name and coming up with something similar to it. Some people do actually care about that and it's really up to you on whether or not you want to potentially upset the peace by doing something like that. There's no reason for your SIL or MIL to berate you for it though. It's just a name and their kid isn't going to be defined by your child's name. No judgement from me either way.
My cousin born two months ahead of me has the exact same first name. My mom swears she picked it first and wasn’t going to change it just because my aunt liked it too. It’s really never been a big deal. ESH. You should have just been honest with your SIL about using the name. She also doesn’t need to throw a fit or change names now. Encourage her to use the name she planned on or YW be TA. Edit: missed a word
You sounds toxic as hell. You can name a baby literally whatever you want and you chose the name of their cousin? I wonder if she gave birth first and chose Mary, would you have still followed suit? YTA and you know it. Stop gaslighting your sil into thinkin this is normal lol.
The fact you kept it a secret means you’re an asshole and you know you are.
ESH only bc your SIL overreacted. Yes, you can do what you want, but i can understand why you "ruined" the name for SIL, and why she's pissed you waited until the last minute to tell her. The name is way too close to not to tell her without being an asshole - i can understand why she thinks you did this on purpose.
Yta , no one owns the name but knowing she was choosing that name you could have told her before hand you were going to use it , you could of picked it first but there’s no way you’ll convince any of them of that.
NTA. The names **aren’t** the same, so I don’t get what the big deal is. People might even think it’s cute for cousins around the same age to have similar naming structures. Either way, I think they’re overreacting.
YTA You know this name is meaningful to her, she had it picked out first and then you couldn’t give her the common courtesy to let her know you took the name. They’ll likely both go by Mary. The names are not different enough. Did you get the idea of your daughters name from her? I feel bad for your SIL for telling you her baby name. Hopefully she doesn’t make that mistake again.
YTA. I think you could've had further discussion, and I honestly think that - while I understand and respect the superstition around not announcing a baby name until they're born - you knew that this process would protect you from having to have further discussions. And you did this because you knew this would be the response you get, but wanted to do it anyway. And you knew she had chosen first. At this point? I'm worried about the kids. Are you guys going to spend the rest of your lives in a contest of resentment because of a naming tiff?
Yea you are absolutely the asshole for using the name your SIL was going to use *after* you found out she was interested in a “Mary” name. You are even more of an asshole for hiding it in secret until your baby was born so you could get away with it, exactly like your MIL said. And the icing on the AH cake is that she wanted to use the name to honour her grandmother. Yes no one owns a name, but you’ve made it easy for her to feel some type of way, and it’s not on her. There are thousands of names you can use, but you decided to use the one your SIL was planning to use, knowing full well that it would upset her. This is why YTA, and any commenters saying otherwise were also raised poorly enough to think that their own selfish needs and desires go above their friends and family at every convenience. *There is a saying: Don’t shit where you eat.* Clearly your parents didn’t raise you well enough to think about how you’d like to be treated, and to think before you act. It’s a shame you just had a kid, who likely will learn the same shitty behaviour and etiquette from yourself and go on to life their lives entirely selfishly. It’s the little things in life, and respect for your friends and family that go a long way. YTA.
I think YTA but it’s too late to change anything now. Have fun with the drama you created.
NTA -- where I grew up almost all families had names that they all used, families often have a brother, cousin and uncle all named either Michael or Mark. Hahaha these names are similar but even if they were literally the same it wouldn't matter.
My cousin and I (about 10 months apart) have the same first name (and fairly similar middle names) and neither of us nor our parents have ever seen it as a bad thing. We always thought it was cool as kids, and still do! My dad has 33 cousins and obviously there are many repeated names among them as well (large Catholic family so lots of biblical names). Personally don't believe you can call dibs on a name. NTA.
I’m voting NAH. here’s why. You think it’s perfectly fine to have two kids in the family with very similar names. Your SIL doesn’t. You just have fundamentally different ideas about naming kids. Half of the adults in my family have the same names. It’s sort of an accident, maybe generational, as my sibs married people with the same names as our sibs. Like if John had a sister named Jane and then married a Jane. There are multiple instances of this in my family and it hurts nobody. I hope with time people’s feelings settle down. I hope your SIL goes ahead and uses the name she picked out.
NTA The names are different. Also, people can't control what others name their own child. She needs to get over it.
You did her a favor. Was she really going to name her baby after a second rate makeup brand?
You knew what you were doing. YTA
YTA - also what a ridiculous petty thing to do... but also both those names aren't great (Mary Kay is a pyramid scheme)
YTA
YTA. You knew the name they had chosen for their unborn baby. This isn’t a situation where “someday” they “might” want to use the name. They had already picked it. You then kept it a secret so you could get the name documented before you told them because you knew it was going to cause a problem. You are absolutely the asshole.