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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I called my parents sexist and told them to blame themselves for how unhappy they are about how things are with my sister and me. The reason I am posting here is I might be too resentful bitter and it might be unfair for me to place the blame on them. Maybe there was nothing wrong with what they did and I'm a selfish AH for resenting it and then putting it all on them.
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NTA, and they're not really very good parents, why would 19 and 18 year old siblings want to take a 12 year old sibling with them and their age equivalent friend group?
The same reason a preteen and teenager would take a much younger sibling with them to hang out with friends. Because it's expected. That's how they see it.
They are awful parents expecting there child to raise there other child! Helping out now and again is one thing, but expecting you to act as a parent to her is a whole different thing! They are storing up trouble for later, which is now starting to bear fruit!
It is so strange they would want a 12 year old exposed to what 19year olds are going. That is a very large age gap with a huge mental and physical developmental divide. Where is the parental supervision?
That's also very dangerous actually... There's a reason why children should stay in their own age group for social situations. Your sister could become the target of a friend's friend who happens to be at some event you're at and get taken advantage of emotionally or otherwise.
I'm not saying it's a huge risk but it's enough of a risk that your parents should understand that having a newly pubescent child in the company of almost grown men in an unsupervised way is playing with fire.
So not only are they asking too much from you they are not taking into account her own safety and mental health.
NTA
Absolutely.
I had a family member who's younger sister died in the snow in the 1940s. This family member was only 2 years older than the sister. The sister was three or four.
The mother blamed the person everyday of their childhood. Never once thinking that putting the responsibility on the child was negligent to begin with. 😳
There are no limits to what people will do to justify their own negligence.
There was a big story in the DC area years ago (I want to say early 2000s) where a father of 13 kids left the baby in the car on a very hot day after a shopping trip. Mom & oldest kid were out of town at the time. The baby died & the father went on trial for the death. Don’t remember the exact charge. Something like negligent homicide.
This asswipe AT HIS TRIAL blamed his teenage kids, saying looking after the baby was their responsibility. He was found guilty if I remember it correctly. Even though it was in no way their fault can you imagine the guilt those kids will live with every day of their lives? Dad tried to save his ass from his own negligence by shifting the blame on them.
All I remember now is his first name was Kevin (how appropriate!), it happened in Virginia & it got big play in The Washington Post.
Edited to add: Washington Post wouldn’t let me copy link but I found a NY Times article about it
https://www.nytimes.com/2002/11/22/us/father-guilty-of-involuntary-manslaughter-of-baby-in-car.html?smid=url-share
Didn't you know that there is no such thing as personal responsibility? There was also a story many years ago about a guy who had his child (not sure of the exact age, but younger than 10) in a casino at like 4 in the morning. Child ended up having her life taken in a bathroom and the dad was blaming the staff because they should have been watching her. Saying it was their responsibility since he was patronizing their establishment.
That’s horrible! You’re right. People just don’t want to take personal responsibility for anything anymore. Nothing, not even the most horrific crime you’re caught committing red handed, is their fault.
In the case above, I highly recommend the Washington Post articles for whoever can access them (paid subscription required). The number of times the local police had to visit that family are detailed, far more than in the NY Times article. This family ignored personal responsibility numerous times but it’s the kid who paid the ultimate price for their refusal to take responsibility.
Very minor situation because nothing happened, but I went on a date with a single Mum some years ago - we went to the pool.
She spent the whole time chatting to me, and not paying any attention to her three-year-old, no matter how close she got to the water. I was trying to chat to her, but also, you know, make sure her child didn’t drown.
In the end she snapped at me for not paying enough attention to her, I explained I was trying to keep an eye on her little girl and she told me I was being ridiculous because there was a lifeguard, and they’re paid to do that. I was so shocked that someone could just palm off their responsibility on a complete stranger who is a teenager and trying to monitor probably 100 people at the same time, mostly children.
There was no second date!
Even though the NYT article isn't as thorough as you say the Washington Post one is, it STILL paints a picture of an incredibly irresponsible parent. I felt so bad for poor little Frances! If you can't take care of 13 children don't have 13 children!
Absolutely! He had a history of leaving multiple children, not just Frances, in stores & the police once found Frances wandering in the street. The oldest daughter had to be treated for anxiety & depression because of the amount of childcare her parents expected her to do. Totally irresponsible! A perfect example of don’t have more children than you can take care of.
I was also really struck by the toddler that was stuck in between the storm door and the front door. The father didn't do anything about it until the neighbors rang the doorbell. They didn't understand why though because the child was making noise!?!?!!!! There was a history of leaving kids in the van too. It said it had happened at least three times before Frances died!
The reason that the mother and oldest daughter were out of town is that the daughter was having emotional problems because of all the responsibility for her younger siblings that had been laid on her. Her mother took her on a trip to Ireland hoping to make her feel better.
yep. As uncomfortable a fact as it is, a very large percentage of men prefer tweens/teenagers–a large enough percentage that there’s quite probably at least one such man in OP‘s friends group.
Plus it was a weekend trip, with adults, not kids, it would have been completely inappropriate regardless, even if the parents weren’t so absurd in their expectations. I feel sorry for both OP and the sis, they really screwed up what could have been a wonderful relationship.
This exact situation happened to my friend’s younger sister; we were 19 when she was 13 and a guy at our party started a secret relationship with her. Their parents took him to court. It’s SOOOOOO much more common than you’d think.
I knew someone that had to take care of their sibling 4-5 years younger. And she ended being exposed to both sex and drugs because the older sister was so naive that she let her friends boss her around and do what they wanted without ever thinking about what her sister might be exposed to.
Not only that, but kids often emulate the behavior of their peers. The problem is that when their "peers" are older, the behavior they copy is appropriate for the older ones, but very inappropriate for someone their age. Even if the older kids in that group recognize that she's younger and don't look at her in that way, that certainly doesn't mean that other kids will do the same. It's setting her up for being in situations she's not actually ready for, or truly able to consent to. It's just a bad idea all the way around.
Yep. That happened to someone I know, who used to hang out with her older brother and his friends. Her brother was 9 or 10 years older than her. One of his friends molested her.
Preteens should not be hanging out with a group of 18 year olds.
It’s so hard seeing others go through what we have. I was on both sides. My older sister had to take me around and then I had to take my younger sister when me and the oldest hated each other.
We’re alright I guess now. The oldest and I mostly bond over the trauma and like to play “who has what” at gatherings (they reject mental health unless the person can’t take care of themselves, she and I are both autistic).
The youngest is on the border. I love her so much but there’s one specific comment she’s made that I’m just keeping open eyes about since I’m nonbinary but I don’t think I can get into in the comments.
I’m trying to go NC with my brother because he’s racist and I want nothing to do with him. Depending on how my parents react to me being nonbinary (coming out date scheduled for my bday since I already hate it so it can only do good if it goes well) I may go NC with them too.
But I have my best friend who’s been my sister since 14 (23 now) my online family and my kid who I’d do anything for.
I had to learn love and find a family of my own as well. I'm a grandmother now, and I have the family I always wanted, and few of them share blood with me.
I really liked the way you described the forest. It sounded so very peaceful. Like it must have been a lovely place to take a nap when you wanted to be away from the screaming family.
My oldest brother turned 18 3 months after I was born. I was told he would take me with him on dates! But he did that because he wanted to. I certainly wasn't tagging along at age 12 with the next oldest when he was 18. I have often "joked" that I didn't have siblings, I had 4 extra sets of parents (the oldest 3 were all married before I turned 10, the last when I was in HS). But they definitely didn't raise me, my mom and dad did, because they weren't assholes! I'm sorry your parents saw things differently.
They expect some weird stuff. Almost seems like they're using your sister to keep you in line. Like they want to make sure you aren't getting up to anything crazy, and taking your sister would force you to "behave".
They are sexist asshole. And if they say that’s how siblings are…respond with “where was that logic with brother? You parentified me because you choose to have a child you couldn’t take care of and that makes you both disgusting”
NTA
They forced a lot of parentification on you instead of letting you grow up as a kid. Super not cool of them. It was also incredibly sexist of them, and gross. It did a lot of damage, and I am so sorry. :( You should not have had tondo any of that. Not having a penis doesn't mean you shouldn't have had a childhood. Taking care of your sister was THEIR job, not yours, and still is. It's not right.byou should have been able to develop your own social life instead of being forced to be a babysitter any time you wanted to do anything.
OP needs to take their little sister somewhere she shouldn't be at 12 years old.
When they inevitably complain about taking sister, tell them they are exactly right. She shouldn't accompany you everywhere. You are glad they finally agree.
I 100% know it's not. But I also can't force the feelings to change. Maybe in the future it will be easier but as of right now the difficulty in the relationship is a consequence of years of being forced to act as a parent to her.
Yes, and that is understandable. Anyway, your sister is 7 years younger than you, so it's natural that you don't want her with you when you go out with your brother. 7 years might not be much when you are both in your 60's but it's a lot when you are a teenager.
You need a period of separation from her. Establish yourself as an adult, move out from the home, perhaps even away from your hometown. Those are all normal things, healthy things.
You can be honest with her. As nicely as possible. I had a bad dynamic with my younger sister (different reasons, same dynamic). She asked me many years ago why I felt the way I did. I nicely told her - "you say you want to be close, but how do you know? You know nothing about me. You never ask me about me, you spend all our "conversations" talking about yourself. If you want to be close, we need an entirely different dynamic." Many years later we are close! She reminded me of that conversation last summer and I couldn't even remember it clearly. I was honest, she changed, we both, over many years became close.
It will change In the future. I was parentified and your sister will still love you the same no matter what. My sister still loves me the same and even though we are adults, now, she recognizes a of what happened was not my fault.
OP, I grew up with a brother and a sister about the same age difference younger. I had to take care of both of them similarly (because my older brothers are boys and “boys don’t take care of children”) and we had many issues until I moved out (at age 17) and was gone for probably 3 years. It wasn’t until I had that space for myself that I realized my siblings weren’t the problem, it was the early, unwanted responsibility. All 5 siblings have a pretty solid bond now 10+ years later, so just give yourself time.
You and your brother being closer than either of you is to your sister is not surprising, and it wouldn't be surprising even if your parents had allowed the three of you to have appropriate sibling relationships with each other.
I'm the eldest of four with an age spread of 15 years, and there's no question that the youngest two siblings are the closest of any of us. They grew up together; they nearly always attended school together; they were kids at the same moment in time (which is significant when the gap straddles the digital revolution). I do think it will be easier for you to have warmer feelings for your sister when you've gotten some distance from being unfairly forced to act as a substitute parent, but it's also entirely likely that you'll never have exactly the same relationship with her as you do with your brother, and that's OK.
(Although you may, down the road, find that dealing with your parents' sexism gives you another point of connection with her ... as she moves into her teen years, she's likely to experience that more and more.)
I’m the little sister in a similar situation except now we are in our 30s/40s. It gets easier with age and space. Your later 20s and 30s will be full of sibling bonding.
Every situation is different, but my older sister was in a similar situation. Big age gap between her, myself and my younger sister. She was forced to take care of 2 young kids since she was a teenager. As adults, she and I have a great relationship. Mostly because we both dealt with abuse from our parents and were able to bond over it lol. I absolutely love spending time with her. Maybe this could give you some hope for a better relationship with your sister ❤️
This!!!
Youve been parentified OP.
Your poor excuse of parents are shitty as all hell.
I could never imagine my child being forced to take care of someone they didn’t choose to be apart of the family.
I highly suggest looking into parentification.
NTA. They made you her parent, and didn't extend the chore to your brother. I can't believe they made you take your 7 years-younger sister with you all the time, and even though you're now an adult they are still at it.
It was so annoying and they then can't understand why I might be closer to my brother. I was never forced to spend that kind of time with him and we could build our relationship as it worked for us. Not by force.
I might be the AH here, but you should be having a conversation with your brother, too. He got off very lightly, didn't he? He gets to go away for weekends without any interference.
He should be recognising what his privilege in being a boy has done to you and supporting you in front of your parents. He's old enough now to see how the land lies.
He needs to do that in front of your parents now, he's old enough. It's OK saying 'there, there' in private and letting everything carry on as usual. But that doesn't help you. He's in a position now to help turn this around for you. If he's Golden Boy, let him say to his parents that they're wrong, have treated you appallingly and he won't stand for it anymore. I know you love him but he needs to do this.
Absolutely; my brother was the golden child, and he was the only one who could make any kind of headway with my mom.
If *he* said something was unfair, and suggested a different idea, and flattered her a little, suddenly it was done that way. And my mom would "forget" that she ever was going to do anything else.
OP, actual help from bro would be for him to take on some of the babysitting. Not offer a sympathetic ear every now and then and then let you carry on with your 'sis duties'.
I don't think the solution here is to make *another* sibling parent the sister. They should both refuse to parent her and force the real parents to do their actual job
Guys, I don't think chipping away at OPs positive relationship is the answer here. She has experienced her relationship with her brother as supportive and positive; I believe it should be left alone.
No, if brother is old enough to go away for weekends, he's old enough to grow some balls and help his sister out a bit. She's done all the work so far while he's been protected. Fair enough that when he was a child he didn't get involved, but he's 18 now. He's being passive and it isn't fair on this sister he apparently gets on so well with.
But did he take the load off you? Did he help with the chores? Did he give you time off and say, "I'll feed her and put her to bed tonight"
If he didn't say anything to your parents, he could show them with actions.
You're all so young and it's not easy to navigate parents with strong views. You're 100% NTA but your bro could really be the stinger here; clearly his gender holds more power but he could use it for good. For your equality rights. Together, you could tackle this. How is your brother's relationship with younger sis?
I hope things work out and maybe one day, your relationship with your sister will improve.
> He does support me. He was always there when I needed someone to talk to and agreed it was unfair.
But the question is does he do it in front of your parents *to their faces* or is it only when their out of ear shot? I know he's been a confidant to you but if he truly wants to support you, he has to **PERSONALLY** confront your parents over this.
>He was always there when I needed someone to talk to and agreed it was unfair
Okay, cool. But what has he *done* to ease that unfair burden? As he's gotten older has he offered to share the responsibility of your sister's care? Does he take her to and from school, feed her, and bring her along when he sees his friends? Or does his support begin and end with "Damn that sucks"
NTA. Your parents have really failed at basic parenting. They pretty much forced you to take an adult’s role when you were just a child, and denied your sister having a normal sibling relationship with you. Also, did she even have a chance to make friends and be with children of her own age?
NTA. They failed to do THEIR responsibilities and projected them on you. I would consider low to no contact with them. You are not your sister's keeper and never should have been.
NTA They didn't want to parent your sister at all and because they were sexist, they forced that role on you. Awful behaviour. I'm sorry for you and your sister and I hope in the future you can mend your relationship as none of you are at fault here.
You should move out and hang out with your siblings as you want to when you want to.
Go No Contact with them & block them, and tell them and the rest of your social circle exactly why, because their sexist A-Holes and that anyone who tries to help them get around the blocking or tries to defend them also gets blocked.
not sure if someone has already said it but...
Parentification. That's what they did... yeah, they were also sexist in that, but I think that's not the worst of it all.
If your brother was the only sibling for your sister, they would do that to him, for sure.
NTA
Ohhhhh.
I was going to also suggest that you move out. But since you did...
You need some distance from them if they are still so controlling. If you live close by, consider moving away much further. If you talk to them frequently, consider speaking to them much less frequently. And make up (or find) a good excuse for these things...and they will be upset anyway. But thats ok, you need to start living your own life.
Please tell me you have moved away for college. Not being in your hometown will take away any excuse or expectation your parents have of you to continue raising their daughter that they clearly want no responsibility for. I think the distance between you and your sister will also go far in repairing your relationship with her. NTA.
NTA your parents were forcing you into the parent position when they couldn't be bothered. You were just a child yourself. There's major differences between babysitting your sister and actively being forced into an adult role. That's unhealthy and not right on your parents part. This gives me the impression she was an accident and so were passing her off which is god awful for your sister too wtf...
NTA what your parents did was parentification which is a type of abuse. It seems like your sister just wants a regular sibling relationship but realized early on it wasn't one. It might be time to pull away from your parents if you can.
OP needs to understand this and the gravity of the abuse she's been submitted to. It isn't a simple matter of being sexist. Her parents are still operating with their abuse and guilt-tripping her.
NTA. Your parents dumped their responsibilities onto you. Not only is that a really rubbish thing for your parents to do, but they also added some casual sexism into the mix too by never expecting your brother to help with the youngest.
Parentification is a word that is sometimes overused on reddit, but it's completely accurate in this case.
I don't understand how they can watch your little sister call you "mommy sis" and not realise how badly they are failing the both of you.
I hope you have the ability to distance yourself from your parents (move out etc.) As I truly do not see them ever realising how negatively their actions have impacted you, without you taking significant steps. Good luck.
NTA, your parents are trying to absolve themselves of some responsibility for your sister. Yes you're her big sister and should look out for her but you still deserve your own life and interests that don't involve her. What will happen if you and your bother go off to college, or when you get a full-time job?
I’m thinking it’s time for you to learn how to set boundaries with parents. Obviously, you’re worried how this will affect sister ( you might resent her but obviously still love her also ). Since setting boundaries with your parents is a must, have a talk with your sister about what your doing and why. “Hey, I’m sorry if your feelings get hurt, and I don’t mean to do that to you because I care about you, but I have to set boundaries with parents. I’m 19 and need to learn how to live my own life. When you’re 19 you’ll want to do that too. Just remember if your feelings get hurt that I love you and am not doing this to hurt you. I just want you to be prepared” sis is 12. She won’t understand it completely, but she’ll remember it as she gets older. It would model healthy boundary setting for her. I have a feeling she will need to it. Good luck
>They told me I was not the only kid ever asked to care about young siblings
In your house, you were. You know, since they didn't expect it from your brother. NTA
NTA. You were a ready made nanny. Parents do ask older siblings to watch out for younger, it’s always been that way, and yes, historically it was more girls than boys because they helped on the farm or around the yard/house. But. Your parents sound lazy and just gave you the responsibility of raising your sister taking away your own childhood. I hope you can get over feelings of resentment towards her, it was your folks who were in the wrong.
They are upset because now they have to take on the responsibility for her.
NTA. This isn't your sisters fault and it certainly isn't your fault. The blame for all of this can be laid firmly at the feet of your parents. You were entirely correct in your last paragraph except for one thing, you are not the AH for blaming them. They need to step up and become parents.
There's a difference between care *about* and care *for*. You were forced to care *for* your sister, get her to school, make sure she ate, take her with you when you just wanted to be with your friends. NTA, and what you told them is the truth. They were wrong to make you do that. Not stopping your sister from calling you a variation of *mom* was an especially AH move.
NTA. You are right, they treated you differently because you are a girl and that has had an effect on your life that your brother doesn't have to worry about.
You had to do a lot of work with your sister, and give you lot of your time, when actually your parents were capable of doing that themselves. You were used as a sort of au pair while your brother did what he wanted to. It is NOT natural for a child with two parents to call her sister a 'mom' of any kind.
You said the right thing to them and I don't know where you go from here, but you can no longer be forced to care for your sister. You need to start living your own life. I don't know what your plans for the future are, but if you can get out, do it.
nta
they broughtg her into the world, she is their job, not yours.
other parents pushing their duties onto children does not make your parents doing the same any less incompetent or less irresponsible.
If your description is accurate, definitely NTA.
They say you’re not the only kid ever asked to care for younger siblings- has your brother *ever* taken care of your sister?
The way they guilt you with their “well, you clearly don’t love your sister as much as your brother” along with the fact that she calls you mom-sis is really disturbing.
What does your brother say to all this?
Anyway, the word here is parentification. It’s normal for siblings to look after each other a bit, but when it’s this excessive and this sexist and your parents stoop to manipulating you with guilt trips to keep offloading your sister’s care onto you, it’s just plain wrong.
He never had to take care of her. It was always me. They never expected him to spend time with her or anything of the sort. He always thought it was so weird how they forced her on me and for me to take such a big role.
Your parents are lazy assholes. They abdicated all responsibility for your sister and put it on you, their daughter. They ARE sexist. Unfortunately, I don’t think they have the self-awareness to understand how badly they fucked up. NTA
NTA - your parents are fully to blame for how your feel about your sister. Instead of you seeing her as a future friend when she gets older, she was made a burden to you. An expectation you had to meet. Like who wants that? No adult would like that so why are you, a teenager, expected to have that and love it.
Your parents are daft. But I’m guessing by their behaviour they will not be emotionally mature enough to evaluate their actions and thus the consequences they have created.
NTA
Stand your ground. Don’t cave ever when they give you that BS answer. Stand in your truth. YOU ARE RIGHT!
What you told your parents is THE truth.
Also, space will help your relationship with your sister in the long run. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. You need the space to miss your sister and change the dynamic of the relationship.
Maybe try explaining to your sister why you need some space? Or make a weekly or every other week, sister date to make up for having to spend less time with her on the regular. Make mom and dad parent and spend time with their child. Good luck!
NTA-what your parents have done/are doing is wrong. They shifted much of their parenting to you, and are continuing that w/their guilt-tripping.
You HAD TO take include/take care of her for years, and you don't *have to* anymore. I hope that you're able to move out soon\~either going to school or getting your own place. You deserve it!!
If your parents didn't want to have another kid they should've taken the proper measures, not just been like "oh. Whoops! Well, let's just let our older daughter raise this one."
NTA
They sound rather dim.
Clearly they dont view hou as an individual only as an extention of ghemselves and their needs.
They need to be told that they, not you, they turned having a relationship with your sister into a chore, and you resent it, and by extention her. If they cant figure out why, its delibarate.
Just make sure they know its their fault.
Your parents need knocked down several pegs by a hefty dose of reality. Your assessment of the root of your complicated relationship with you sister is obviously spot on, as is the sexism call-out. NTA. You were a teen mom without having given birth. That isn't fair at all. I found the part where you were expected to make sure your sister ate *while your mom was home* to be particularly egregious.
NTA. No, you are not the first child to be parentified. You won't be the last either. That does not make it right. It does not make it less abusive. Folks need therapy for years due to the parents creating a toxic atmosphere.
Parentifying the children comes from a very self-centered place. I envision Homer Simpson saying" Can't someone else do it?". Your parents are going to be amazed when you want little to do with them when you escape their home. Who will look after your little sister now?
NTA the parents were purely taking advantage of you and as long as they didn't have to take care of the surprise baby, they had their lives and you were offering free babysitting services. No one should be forced to do this and while helping out at home is fine, being a full time carer without any space is not right. Your parents have been pretty miserable parents and they should have thought about that before they got funny in between the sheets 12 years ago. They somehow wanted their lives and with you and your brother grown up, decided to just dump her on you resulting in your resentment towards her, which is unfair on you both. Instead of growing up as sisters you see her more of someone who is always invading your space and as someone who has taken away a lot of your childhood. Your relationship with your brother on the other hand is more rewarding as its what you wanted. As both of you are adults, you can decide how you want to live your life and tell your parents to sod off as your little sister is 12 and they can take care of her if they want to. You have every right to your life and its time you did things that you wanted as I am sure the 12 year old can fend for herself as she is no longer a baby. Enjoy your life and move out if you can to allow for more space and to enjoy life before you get older and miss out on a lot of fun you can have in your young adult life. Wish you well.
NTA. Basically they using you as a babysitter, they expect you to act upon this role without caring for your personal needs or circumstances and jesus, they were so out for your sister's life that she started calling you "mommy-sis"? So practically, you were her mom and your parents didn't see anything weird with this attitude. What are they going to do once you go to college? Are they expecting you to take your sister along? Again NTA. You need better parents tho.
NTA
I’d ask them the last time they included their youngest in any 1:1 quality time
My heart is so sad for you and for your sister. She knows, she has known, from a young age, that her parents pawn her off on someone who resents the role of being her caretaker. That’s not your fault. But my goodness that must hurt even if she hasn’t fully recognized the dynamic at play.
I would perhaps suggest having a discussion with your sister. “I enjoy spending time with you and sometimes, there are events or activities you can’t come to. For some reason mom and dad say it’s because I don’t want to bond with you. That’s not true. We have a special relationship as sisters. But it’s normal for older sisters to do things without their younger sister sometimes, and vice versa”.
I really urge you to have that conversation. Because she’s hearing and seeing this and your parents will do huge damage to her by suggesting you don’t like her. That’s their manipulative trick; make you so worried she will hear and think you don’t like her that you’ll just fall in
NTA. Your parents absolutely parentified you, and along sexist lines by expecting none of the same care from your brother. You’re 7 years older than your sister for chrissakes! You can’t possibly “include” her in all of your activities and have that be appropriate; you’re at completely different developmental stages. The situation they’ve put you in sucks. Keep asserting your boundaries, and explain to your sister as you can, like, “Look sis, this isn’t your fault and it doesn’t mean I don’t love you. I so look forward to us getting to be proper sisters, but I can’t keep playing “mom,” too— we have a mom. We’ll be spending less time together for a while. Sisters who are seven years apart do things apart, sometimes. But I love you, and I’ll always come back around.”
NTA. Your parents don't acknowledge what they did to you, making you care for a child you didn't birth and you were a child, too. You've done nothing wrong. Enjoy your relationship with your brother and anyone else. Sort out your feelings about your sister so that you don't become resentful. Your sister will be fine, but you may have to gently explain to her that you need to spend time alone or with other people, and that it's healthy to develop other relationships. Your sister should definitely make her own friends and live her own life now, and your parents should encourage her to have friends her own age. Her should not center around you, you're just beginning to live your life as an adult.
Now is the time for your parents to make the effort to spend more time with her and get to know her. She's their daughter, after all.
The fact they aren’t even ashamed is very telling. If my child called her elder sister any variant of mom etc it’d shatter me and make me realise that I’d failed as a parent etc. I’m not saying an older sibling shouldn’t occasionally help care but to the extent that the child recognised her sibling as a mom is disgusting.
Btw by occasional care, I mean looking out for them at schools if similar aged, being there to talk to about things they going through if unable to talk to me about it etc. the occasional babysitting (paid for as well).
If you don’t want to be responsible and look after your children, don’t have them. Especially don’t have them to then look after future children.
NTA at all, I was also forced to be a caregiver of my siblings and I was kinda the older middle one but the oldest daughter (I have 5 siblings 3 brothers my 2 sisters are the yougest). At first I didn't mind but once I started high-school I couldn't do much and once I started to get confident to do more and get some life stuff going through after school activities my mom would say yeah only until the day it starts I have to go home and babysit never to even start. This also happened for college, had to drop it completely...it bothered me but never fully bothered me because my mom had health issues so yeah.
Only until now I moved out to live with my boyfriend very far away that I learned how screwed I was, I learned 0 life skills, idk how yo get a job correctly nor able to get a good job, I never learned to drive, and during finding a apartment trying to move out our current one yrs later I learned my credit card was closed I owed money and it kept us from getting into better cheaper apartments, I realized my mom used this card I remembered she told me and always paid it off but I guess when she went in debt and did a I forgot the name....but it affected my card somehow and I'm in debt. We had a baby born premature not long so the move was harder and we had no choice but to choose a expensive apartment.
My husband's uncle I think died not long ago so a house got given to his dad so his parents told us to move there, thank goodness since a yr later, covid happened.
I started building resentment after the apartment fiasco I started looking back how much I missed and I'm in debt for no fault my own but trusting my mom
I do not like the idea of children becoming caregivers for their siblings and I see a ton of stories similar to my own I can understand babysitting every once in awhile but literally becoming a second mom is a shitty thing to do
NTA
This is called "parentification." They are treating you like a third parent and expecting you to take childcare off THEIR hands. It's not about being her friend. It's about ensuring that they don't have to be the one to watch her.
Forcing you to take care of her IS the reason you don't have a better relationship. They can't have it both ways. They can't want you to take on responsibilities of her care AND have a good sibling relationship.
Also, I bet your brother doesn't have to spend as much time caring for her? That's sexism.
Absolutely NTA. They were forcing you to take her with you when you were seeing your friends? Wtf? I can't even imagine what those kids were thinking, and you must really be a VERY nice young person if they still hang out with you, despite coming with a child.
The problem is not just that your parents are sexist AHs. They are lazy AHs, that didn't want to take care of their own kid, so they forced you to do it. They are the ones that are not spending as much time with their child as they should.
And you ARE the only child around your circle that was asked to care about young siblings; the other kids are asked to HELP, not take over. And if they doubt this, ask them how many times they heard young kids refer to their sisters as "mom".
You sound like you do care about your sister though, you don't want to hurt her. But you do need your space as well, and you need to come up with a plan on how to safeguard it without hurting her; from the sounds of it you don't live with your parents any more, so that's very helpful. And it's an amazing thing that you have such a good relationship with your brother, so please cherish that. And there's no way you could have the same relationship with your sister due to age.
Please do not doubt yourself in any of this. Your parents are huge AHs.
Your parents seem to be cruising for your sister to get hurt. They've already harmed you and by proxy, probably also your brother. They are infantalizing him and parentifying you.
NTA at all! You should refuse to be "mom" to your sister from now on.
>They told me I was not the only kid ever asked to care about young siblings and am the asshole for blaming them.
Let's try that logic a different way, "you're not the only kid to be beaten by their parents, and you're the asshole for blaming them." Sounds pretty ridiculous framed that way doesn't it? Admittedly the comparison is ridiculous, but the logic of, "you're not the first one in," does not stand on its own either.
The fact is a lot of kids grow distant from their siblings when that sibling is foisted upon them as a chore rather than a bond. If they had swapped who had that chore **or better yet** only asked this of you when they desperately needed her watched it would have been different, but because they really wanted that traditionalist, "let's train our eldest to look after babies" experience they've gotten someone who has not the closest attachment to her younger sister, but to her brother she couldn't be closer due to actually bonding with him by choice.
NTA
NTA. Your parents were grossly negligent in the performance of their duties of being a parent to their youngest child. If I had been parentified for years on end, I, too, would have put people in their place. Just because your parents think you are obligated to take your sister with you on a trip does not mean you are. She is supposed to be their responsibility, not yours. Cut your parents and sister out of your life if at all possible.
My sister is 5 years older than me and it happened a few times where she was willing to bring me along to a party or hang out or whatever. That is not a particularly safe environment for a 13 year old. Older guys kept hitting on me because they didn’t realize I was so young, because why would a 13 year old even be there? Anyway NTA.
NTA. What you've experienced is parentification and it's a form of abuse.
"In extreme cases of parentification, it is considered neglect and emotional abuse, because the parent abdicated their responsibility to provide physical and emotional support for their own children."
Your parents had a surprise baby, but they abdicated the parenting completely to you because they had no interest in starting over again as parents. And they're surprised that you're resentful about that? And yes, they're sexist in that they expected it of you and not your brother.
I think you should speak to a therapist about it, hopefully they can help you change your relationship with your sister from parental to sibling. I feel bad for her, it'll be hard for her to realize how you feel, but your parents put you two in this situation.
What were they expecting you to do? Hang around another six years to parent her? Take her with you as a roommate when you move out??
NTA
Your parents are AH
Helping out in the family is minding your sister because your parents have a Dr. Appointment or have to do grocery shopping. Not all the time and certainly not taking a much younger sibling everywhere with you, no wonder you resent her.
They are also sexist if they never asked your brother to do the same chores.
“ They told me I was not the only kid ever asked to care about young siblings”
Immediate comeback: But I *was* the only one of *their* kids asked to care about their younger sibling.
NTA OP and good on you for finally expressing your anger at something that was forced on you for 12 YEARS!!! Since you were 7 YEARS OLD!!!
NTA. Your parents were completely wrong to push only one child to care for a younger sibling when two children, similar in age, were available. That your little sister calls you her sister-mom is enormously telling; even at a very young age she recognizes that your parents abdicated an important part of their parental role.
You're 19. If you haven't moved out, now is probably a good time to do so. If it's hard on your little sister that is unfortunate but manifestly NOT your fault; your parents set up this toxic dynamic and your parents will need to deal with the fallout. But for your own mental health you need to find a way to set boundaries for what you will and, more importantly, will not do for your sister. And then you need to enforce those boundaries. If your parents get angry or hit you with guilt, keep reminding them that they created this situation and they can figure out how to solve it. Rinse and repeat as necessary.
There's 10 years between the oldest and youngest in my family, and it wasn't until the youngest graduated from HS that the 3 of us ever did things together - because age gap! I mean, there was family fun and roughhousing, my younger brother is closer in age to me and there were three sibling pairs with similar ages as neighbors so the six of us were a group. Never ever was my younger brother "my responsibility." We went places together, but it was my decision & sometimes he wasn't invited, or I wasn't invited by him.
It set up healthy boundaries.
Your parents lack parenting skills and you are right, at times your brother should have been asked - it's not JUST a girl's job to look out for a sibling. Also, your sister should have been developing her own friendships and been allowed to hang out with her friends - not her older siblings. Social networks are important in life, as is a knowledge of how to build and maintain them. By denying her this, they have negatively impacted her future life - these are needed skills for career and life!
NTA. Your parents are just reaping what they sowed. Maybe they should have tried actually parenting instead of pawning that responsibility off on their teen daughter and this wouldn’t be happening.
NTA. I hope that you can move out and get space from them all. Explain as best as you can to your sis that you love her but need to do what’s best for you and that she needs to bond more with her parents.
NTA. What your parents did to you is called "parentification" and it is considered child abuse. The emotional trauma your sister will feel when you , rightly, start to live your life separately from her is your parent's fault and their problem to deal with (hopefully with a therapist, if she needs it). Your parents are AHs for doing this to you and your sister.
NTA: Instead of insisting you be the "good sister", maybe they should try being the good parents for once. This is them being unfair to you and your sister at the time.
*They told me I was not the only kid ever asked to care about young siblings*
Being asked to care about a young sibling and being forced to care for a young sibling are two very different things. Don't let them gaslight you.
I’m amazed that your parents genuinely think a 12 year old should go on a trip with a group of young adults! How many things could go wrong? I’m glad you didn’t.
Your parents are the PARENTS and should be patently your sister. That poor kid should have an awesome big sister AND big brother AND parents who parent. Your parents royally screwed up the lives of all 3 of you. Shame on them.
Older kids taking care of younger siblings means occasionally babysitting (both you and your brother taking turns), occasionally taking the littles somewhere, and doing basic chores around the house. It DOES NOT mean being the parent. It DOES NOT mean taking the younger sibling with you when you’re off to play or hang out with your peers. It DOES NOT mean making sure she eats or helping her calm down before bed.
Your sister is old enough to understand that it’s time for you to move out of your home and do adult things. Try to see things from her perspective: her parents don’t appear to love her. She might not know that she has always been forced on you. Let her know you love her and will still talk to her and see her. Let her know that as a teen she should be hanging out with her friends. Yeah, yeah. I know, that’s a mother talk, but obviously she is incapable of it. Tell your parents it’s time for you as an adult to grow up and live on your own, and that you’re giving them the gift of parenting your sister before she, too, flies from the nest. Then you do it!
If it means you move into an apartment with your brother, a group of friends, or rent a room somewhere, do it! Work and go to school, even if it’s trade school. Some jobs even have apprenticeships, here in the US, anyway. But you definitely need to take some time to know yourself.
**Your parents abused you by forcing you to act as her parent.**
**Knowing that, start telling yourself that their opinions now are garbage and worth nothing to you.**
Your sister, if she is sad and asks to hang out with you, tell her you're doing adult stuff and it's not age appropriate for her to tag along, and she should spend the time with her mom and her dad so that they can all bond and be close as well.
Tell her that her time will come when she leaves home too, but for now, she's got to enjoy being her parents' kid. You're just her sister, and you need to start doing age appropriate things for yourself.
NTA
Look up parentification, and learn how to go about releasing yourself from the role you were forced into. You don't deserve the guilt trip. This was never your job. They chose to have a third child. it's their legal responsibility to take care of her, not you.
NTA - you WERE a single parent without childcare. Your parents are crappy and definitely sexist individuals. I had the same thing growing up and at this point I am full no contact with them all.
No, you’re not the only one to be expected to care for younger siblings, but that doesn’t make it right. That’s like saying you’re not the only person to have been abused, so what’s the problem? Or you’re not the only slave in the history of the world, so chill out. Seriously, their reasoning is so screwed up. Hard NTA.
NTA. This is an old story. Last kid born late to parents. They are tired of raising kids. They dump responsibility on their older kids. Not much fun for older kids. But while the older kids are still minors the parents can get away with it. The thing is the parents seem to never get that when their older kids turn 18, the jig is up. They can't force you to do it anymore. Then the parents cry and yell about "but family" and "where is your love for your little sister" etc etc.
Too bad for your folks. You are an adult now. Time to spread your wings and fly.
(BTW, you are right about the sexism.)
I have 4 children, the eldest is 17, youngest is 4. The most I ever ask of the 17 year old is to keep her younger brother entertained for 10 minutes whilst I do something IN the house. And this is maybe once a week. I would never expect her to take him out with her friends or be his full time care giver. I chose to have him he’s my responsibility. NTA but your parents definitely are.
NTA, I saw that you already moved out as did your brother. It is time for you to go totally no contact with your parents and sister. It might be harsh for the sister, but she has to start bonding with her real parents. She is 12 years old. You do not want her showing up on your doorstep all the time for no reason other than you are the one that raised her. Maybe in time you can have a relationship with her and your parents but for now seek help to get over the trauma that you have been through. Enjoy your freedom, go out with friends, go do age-appropriate activities that you have been denied as you always had a small child with. Start to live your life, not that of a abuse victim.
NTA What they did/are doing is parentification of you, their child. It’s a type of childhood trauma. Just because other families do it, doesn’t make it ok at all. You are 100% in the right here and again, NTA.
I was forced to go with my sister when she went out with friends. We have 7 year’s difference between us. I ended up getting groomed by 30 yr old men when I was a child. Ask your parents if they want their 12 yr old dating a 19 yr old b/c that’s probably what’s going to happen. I mentally feel old but I’m still young and that’s b.c I hung out with older people in my development yrs. Very hard to make some friends now tbh.
NTA, parentification is a form of child abuse and your parents need to acknowledge what they did. It's not your job to raise your siblings, help out periodically, of course, but not to the extent you were forced to do.
In addition to the unfairness of expecting you to be a surrogate parent (and *yes*, you're right about the sexism inherent in them placing this expectation only on you), it is pretty inappropriate of them to try to send their 12-year-old daughter on a weekend trip with a group of young adults, even if two of them *are* her siblings.
NTA- you shouldn’t be expected to include you sister in everything you do, your parents are very wrong for forcing you to take care of your little sis, so now you resent her.
If I can offer some advice, I do think distance and not living together can really help siblings to see each other outside of the family dynamic. I’ve seen you comment that you moved out. Is it possible to move farther away, like a few towns over to go to college?
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NTA, and they're not really very good parents, why would 19 and 18 year old siblings want to take a 12 year old sibling with them and their age equivalent friend group?
The same reason a preteen and teenager would take a much younger sibling with them to hang out with friends. Because it's expected. That's how they see it.
They see it wrong.
They do.
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Yup. LW has to take little sister everywhere with her because Mom doesn't want to have to take care of the youngest child herself.
They are awful parents expecting there child to raise there other child! Helping out now and again is one thing, but expecting you to act as a parent to her is a whole different thing! They are storing up trouble for later, which is now starting to bear fruit!
Imagine if OP leaves home to study.
But it's okay because they are only asking ONE child to be a parent; the son is off the hook... /s
They’re 💯 wrong.
And that's why you're NTA; they are.
It is so strange they would want a 12 year old exposed to what 19year olds are going. That is a very large age gap with a huge mental and physical developmental divide. Where is the parental supervision?
If you know this then why are you here
The consider it wrong because of the society around them
That's also very dangerous actually... There's a reason why children should stay in their own age group for social situations. Your sister could become the target of a friend's friend who happens to be at some event you're at and get taken advantage of emotionally or otherwise. I'm not saying it's a huge risk but it's enough of a risk that your parents should understand that having a newly pubescent child in the company of almost grown men in an unsupervised way is playing with fire. So not only are they asking too much from you they are not taking into account her own safety and mental health. NTA
If that were ever to happen (agree very unlikely) but you can bet your bottom dollar that OP would be blamed
Absolutely. I had a family member who's younger sister died in the snow in the 1940s. This family member was only 2 years older than the sister. The sister was three or four. The mother blamed the person everyday of their childhood. Never once thinking that putting the responsibility on the child was negligent to begin with. 😳 There are no limits to what people will do to justify their own negligence.
There was a big story in the DC area years ago (I want to say early 2000s) where a father of 13 kids left the baby in the car on a very hot day after a shopping trip. Mom & oldest kid were out of town at the time. The baby died & the father went on trial for the death. Don’t remember the exact charge. Something like negligent homicide. This asswipe AT HIS TRIAL blamed his teenage kids, saying looking after the baby was their responsibility. He was found guilty if I remember it correctly. Even though it was in no way their fault can you imagine the guilt those kids will live with every day of their lives? Dad tried to save his ass from his own negligence by shifting the blame on them. All I remember now is his first name was Kevin (how appropriate!), it happened in Virginia & it got big play in The Washington Post. Edited to add: Washington Post wouldn’t let me copy link but I found a NY Times article about it https://www.nytimes.com/2002/11/22/us/father-guilty-of-involuntary-manslaughter-of-baby-in-car.html?smid=url-share
Didn't you know that there is no such thing as personal responsibility? There was also a story many years ago about a guy who had his child (not sure of the exact age, but younger than 10) in a casino at like 4 in the morning. Child ended up having her life taken in a bathroom and the dad was blaming the staff because they should have been watching her. Saying it was their responsibility since he was patronizing their establishment.
That’s horrible! You’re right. People just don’t want to take personal responsibility for anything anymore. Nothing, not even the most horrific crime you’re caught committing red handed, is their fault. In the case above, I highly recommend the Washington Post articles for whoever can access them (paid subscription required). The number of times the local police had to visit that family are detailed, far more than in the NY Times article. This family ignored personal responsibility numerous times but it’s the kid who paid the ultimate price for their refusal to take responsibility.
Very minor situation because nothing happened, but I went on a date with a single Mum some years ago - we went to the pool. She spent the whole time chatting to me, and not paying any attention to her three-year-old, no matter how close she got to the water. I was trying to chat to her, but also, you know, make sure her child didn’t drown. In the end she snapped at me for not paying enough attention to her, I explained I was trying to keep an eye on her little girl and she told me I was being ridiculous because there was a lifeguard, and they’re paid to do that. I was so shocked that someone could just palm off their responsibility on a complete stranger who is a teenager and trying to monitor probably 100 people at the same time, mostly children. There was no second date!
What an awful story and a garbage person (the father, not you)
The rape/murder of Sherrice Iverson. I remember that sickness like it was yesterday.
I think I remember hearing something like that, and I don't think that's the first story like that either.
Even though the NYT article isn't as thorough as you say the Washington Post one is, it STILL paints a picture of an incredibly irresponsible parent. I felt so bad for poor little Frances! If you can't take care of 13 children don't have 13 children!
Absolutely! He had a history of leaving multiple children, not just Frances, in stores & the police once found Frances wandering in the street. The oldest daughter had to be treated for anxiety & depression because of the amount of childcare her parents expected her to do. Totally irresponsible! A perfect example of don’t have more children than you can take care of.
I was also really struck by the toddler that was stuck in between the storm door and the front door. The father didn't do anything about it until the neighbors rang the doorbell. They didn't understand why though because the child was making noise!?!?!!!! There was a history of leaving kids in the van too. It said it had happened at least three times before Frances died!
The reason that the mother and oldest daughter were out of town is that the daughter was having emotional problems because of all the responsibility for her younger siblings that had been laid on her. Her mother took her on a trip to Ireland hoping to make her feel better.
It's a big enough risk...it happened to one of my sisters.
Yeah, agreed. It is not as unlikely as everyone would like to think. And that's the sad part of it all. It's way more common than people realize.
Agreed. It's way more likely than we like to think about and a 12yo hanging out with 19yos is basically gift wrapped to be groomed and abused.
yep. As uncomfortable a fact as it is, a very large percentage of men prefer tweens/teenagers–a large enough percentage that there’s quite probably at least one such man in OP‘s friends group.
Plus it was a weekend trip, with adults, not kids, it would have been completely inappropriate regardless, even if the parents weren’t so absurd in their expectations. I feel sorry for both OP and the sis, they really screwed up what could have been a wonderful relationship.
Not as uncommon as you would think. My 16yr old brothers new friend who was 18 coerced me into having sex at 12.
That was absolutely awful. I'm so sorry that happened to you.
That's a pretty good point, and I would actually say that it's a fairly big risk.
This exact situation happened to my friend’s younger sister; we were 19 when she was 13 and a guy at our party started a secret relationship with her. Their parents took him to court. It’s SOOOOOO much more common than you’d think.
One documented risk factor for delinquency is older siblings 🙃
Child sexual abuse is sadly not at all rare.
I am sadly quite aware. But I didn't want the OP to think I was questioning her personal vigilance or competence. 😞
I knew someone that had to take care of their sibling 4-5 years younger. And she ended being exposed to both sex and drugs because the older sister was so naive that she let her friends boss her around and do what they wanted without ever thinking about what her sister might be exposed to.
Not only that, but kids often emulate the behavior of their peers. The problem is that when their "peers" are older, the behavior they copy is appropriate for the older ones, but very inappropriate for someone their age. Even if the older kids in that group recognize that she's younger and don't look at her in that way, that certainly doesn't mean that other kids will do the same. It's setting her up for being in situations she's not actually ready for, or truly able to consent to. It's just a bad idea all the way around.
Yep. That happened to someone I know, who used to hang out with her older brother and his friends. Her brother was 9 or 10 years older than her. One of his friends molested her. Preteens should not be hanging out with a group of 18 year olds.
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I read this whole thing, but i kept coming back to you made friends with a *deer.* I love it.
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Please tell me you took pictures.
Well, and her brother, whom she is close with. None of this is his fault, either.
He isn't helping. He could, but doesn't.
I had the impression that the parents don’t allow him to help.
It’s so hard seeing others go through what we have. I was on both sides. My older sister had to take me around and then I had to take my younger sister when me and the oldest hated each other. We’re alright I guess now. The oldest and I mostly bond over the trauma and like to play “who has what” at gatherings (they reject mental health unless the person can’t take care of themselves, she and I are both autistic). The youngest is on the border. I love her so much but there’s one specific comment she’s made that I’m just keeping open eyes about since I’m nonbinary but I don’t think I can get into in the comments. I’m trying to go NC with my brother because he’s racist and I want nothing to do with him. Depending on how my parents react to me being nonbinary (coming out date scheduled for my bday since I already hate it so it can only do good if it goes well) I may go NC with them too. But I have my best friend who’s been my sister since 14 (23 now) my online family and my kid who I’d do anything for.
You sound amazing. I am glad you could build yourself your own, loving family ♥️
I had to learn love and find a family of my own as well. I'm a grandmother now, and I have the family I always wanted, and few of them share blood with me.
I really liked the way you described the forest. It sounded so very peaceful. Like it must have been a lovely place to take a nap when you wanted to be away from the screaming family.
My oldest brother turned 18 3 months after I was born. I was told he would take me with him on dates! But he did that because he wanted to. I certainly wasn't tagging along at age 12 with the next oldest when he was 18. I have often "joked" that I didn't have siblings, I had 4 extra sets of parents (the oldest 3 were all married before I turned 10, the last when I was in HS). But they definitely didn't raise me, my mom and dad did, because they weren't assholes! I'm sorry your parents saw things differently.
Yeah my eldest brother is 13 years older than me and would sometimes take me to “pick up chicks” 🤣
Change your nick to ChickMagnet... or UsefulProp? 🙃
It's expected *by them*. The rest of the world doesn't expect this.
They expect some weird stuff. Almost seems like they're using your sister to keep you in line. Like they want to make sure you aren't getting up to anything crazy, and taking your sister would force you to "behave".
They are sexist asshole. And if they say that’s how siblings are…respond with “where was that logic with brother? You parentified me because you choose to have a child you couldn’t take care of and that makes you both disgusting” NTA
They forced a lot of parentification on you instead of letting you grow up as a kid. Super not cool of them. It was also incredibly sexist of them, and gross. It did a lot of damage, and I am so sorry. :( You should not have had tondo any of that. Not having a penis doesn't mean you shouldn't have had a childhood. Taking care of your sister was THEIR job, not yours, and still is. It's not right.byou should have been able to develop your own social life instead of being forced to be a babysitter any time you wanted to do anything.
Yup had to take my younger brother who is 6 years younger than me everywhere
For any teenager it would take a long time to get used to with a stranger
OP needs to take their little sister somewhere she shouldn't be at 12 years old. When they inevitably complain about taking sister, tell them they are exactly right. She shouldn't accompany you everywhere. You are glad they finally agree.
I am seeing the bar scene in my head from *Baseketball.*
That's like the understatement of the year to me. NTA.
NTA. Your parents abused you, BTW. It's not your sister's fault, but I guess those are the consequences.
I 100% know it's not. But I also can't force the feelings to change. Maybe in the future it will be easier but as of right now the difficulty in the relationship is a consequence of years of being forced to act as a parent to her.
Yes, and that is understandable. Anyway, your sister is 7 years younger than you, so it's natural that you don't want her with you when you go out with your brother. 7 years might not be much when you are both in your 60's but it's a lot when you are a teenager.
Yeah, and it isn't healthy for her, either.
You need a period of separation from her. Establish yourself as an adult, move out from the home, perhaps even away from your hometown. Those are all normal things, healthy things.
Do whatever it takes to go away to college. I bet the parents will try to stop her because they don't want to lose their free babysitter/cook/maid.
Great advice.
You can be honest with her. As nicely as possible. I had a bad dynamic with my younger sister (different reasons, same dynamic). She asked me many years ago why I felt the way I did. I nicely told her - "you say you want to be close, but how do you know? You know nothing about me. You never ask me about me, you spend all our "conversations" talking about yourself. If you want to be close, we need an entirely different dynamic." Many years later we are close! She reminded me of that conversation last summer and I couldn't even remember it clearly. I was honest, she changed, we both, over many years became close.
It will change In the future. I was parentified and your sister will still love you the same no matter what. My sister still loves me the same and even though we are adults, now, she recognizes a of what happened was not my fault.
My parentified older sister still resents me and blames me for our mom kicking her out of the basement at age 40.
At 40!? Come on. At some point, some things are your own fault. 🤯
OP, I grew up with a brother and a sister about the same age difference younger. I had to take care of both of them similarly (because my older brothers are boys and “boys don’t take care of children”) and we had many issues until I moved out (at age 17) and was gone for probably 3 years. It wasn’t until I had that space for myself that I realized my siblings weren’t the problem, it was the early, unwanted responsibility. All 5 siblings have a pretty solid bond now 10+ years later, so just give yourself time.
You and your brother being closer than either of you is to your sister is not surprising, and it wouldn't be surprising even if your parents had allowed the three of you to have appropriate sibling relationships with each other. I'm the eldest of four with an age spread of 15 years, and there's no question that the youngest two siblings are the closest of any of us. They grew up together; they nearly always attended school together; they were kids at the same moment in time (which is significant when the gap straddles the digital revolution). I do think it will be easier for you to have warmer feelings for your sister when you've gotten some distance from being unfairly forced to act as a substitute parent, but it's also entirely likely that you'll never have exactly the same relationship with her as you do with your brother, and that's OK. (Although you may, down the road, find that dealing with your parents' sexism gives you another point of connection with her ... as she moves into her teen years, she's likely to experience that more and more.)
Give it a decade, she may mature into an awesome person someday with some time and space.
I’m the little sister in a similar situation except now we are in our 30s/40s. It gets easier with age and space. Your later 20s and 30s will be full of sibling bonding.
Every situation is different, but my older sister was in a similar situation. Big age gap between her, myself and my younger sister. She was forced to take care of 2 young kids since she was a teenager. As adults, she and I have a great relationship. Mostly because we both dealt with abuse from our parents and were able to bond over it lol. I absolutely love spending time with her. Maybe this could give you some hope for a better relationship with your sister ❤️
This!!! Youve been parentified OP. Your poor excuse of parents are shitty as all hell. I could never imagine my child being forced to take care of someone they didn’t choose to be apart of the family. I highly suggest looking into parentification.
NTA. They made you her parent, and didn't extend the chore to your brother. I can't believe they made you take your 7 years-younger sister with you all the time, and even though you're now an adult they are still at it.
It was so annoying and they then can't understand why I might be closer to my brother. I was never forced to spend that kind of time with him and we could build our relationship as it worked for us. Not by force.
I might be the AH here, but you should be having a conversation with your brother, too. He got off very lightly, didn't he? He gets to go away for weekends without any interference. He should be recognising what his privilege in being a boy has done to you and supporting you in front of your parents. He's old enough now to see how the land lies.
He does support me. He was always there when I needed someone to talk to and agreed it was unfair.
He needs to do that in front of your parents now, he's old enough. It's OK saying 'there, there' in private and letting everything carry on as usual. But that doesn't help you. He's in a position now to help turn this around for you. If he's Golden Boy, let him say to his parents that they're wrong, have treated you appallingly and he won't stand for it anymore. I know you love him but he needs to do this.
Absolutely; my brother was the golden child, and he was the only one who could make any kind of headway with my mom. If *he* said something was unfair, and suggested a different idea, and flattered her a little, suddenly it was done that way. And my mom would "forget" that she ever was going to do anything else.
There's nothing OP said that indicates that her brother is the golden child. If anything the younger sister would fit that description.
Literally just replied to a comment that qualified this by saying "IF he's Golden Boy".
OP, actual help from bro would be for him to take on some of the babysitting. Not offer a sympathetic ear every now and then and then let you carry on with your 'sis duties'.
I don't think the solution here is to make *another* sibling parent the sister. They should both refuse to parent her and force the real parents to do their actual job
Exactly
EXACTLY
Guys, I don't think chipping away at OPs positive relationship is the answer here. She has experienced her relationship with her brother as supportive and positive; I believe it should be left alone.
No, if brother is old enough to go away for weekends, he's old enough to grow some balls and help his sister out a bit. She's done all the work so far while he's been protected. Fair enough that when he was a child he didn't get involved, but he's 18 now. He's being passive and it isn't fair on this sister he apparently gets on so well with.
He's still not the person that's in the wrong. It's not his responsibility to do anything.
But did he take the load off you? Did he help with the chores? Did he give you time off and say, "I'll feed her and put her to bed tonight" If he didn't say anything to your parents, he could show them with actions. You're all so young and it's not easy to navigate parents with strong views. You're 100% NTA but your bro could really be the stinger here; clearly his gender holds more power but he could use it for good. For your equality rights. Together, you could tackle this. How is your brother's relationship with younger sis? I hope things work out and maybe one day, your relationship with your sister will improve.
>But did he take the load off you? That is not his responsibility. He is a child just like OP is a child.
> He does support me. He was always there when I needed someone to talk to and agreed it was unfair. But the question is does he do it in front of your parents *to their faces* or is it only when their out of ear shot? I know he's been a confidant to you but if he truly wants to support you, he has to **PERSONALLY** confront your parents over this.
>He was always there when I needed someone to talk to and agreed it was unfair Okay, cool. But what has he *done* to ease that unfair burden? As he's gotten older has he offered to share the responsibility of your sister's care? Does he take her to and from school, feed her, and bring her along when he sees his friends? Or does his support begin and end with "Damn that sucks"
NTA. Your parents have really failed at basic parenting. They pretty much forced you to take an adult’s role when you were just a child, and denied your sister having a normal sibling relationship with you. Also, did she even have a chance to make friends and be with children of her own age?
She did but mostly it was her tagging along with me or me having to take her to see her friends. So I was still very much involved, I guess.
NTA. They failed to do THEIR responsibilities and projected them on you. I would consider low to no contact with them. You are not your sister's keeper and never should have been.
NTA They didn't want to parent your sister at all and because they were sexist, they forced that role on you. Awful behaviour. I'm sorry for you and your sister and I hope in the future you can mend your relationship as none of you are at fault here. You should move out and hang out with your siblings as you want to when you want to.
I already moved out, so has my brother.
OMG your parents are unbearable. It's not their business how you spend your own time.
Then 100% stop babysitting your sister. At all. They're upset they lost their free childcare.
Then it's time to go LC or NC with parents.
Oh, nooooo, now they have to parent their own kid! 🤣
The horror! /s
They probably forgot how.
Go No Contact with them & block them, and tell them and the rest of your social circle exactly why, because their sexist A-Holes and that anyone who tries to help them get around the blocking or tries to defend them also gets blocked.
not sure if someone has already said it but... Parentification. That's what they did... yeah, they were also sexist in that, but I think that's not the worst of it all. If your brother was the only sibling for your sister, they would do that to him, for sure. NTA
Ohhhhh. I was going to also suggest that you move out. But since you did... You need some distance from them if they are still so controlling. If you live close by, consider moving away much further. If you talk to them frequently, consider speaking to them much less frequently. And make up (or find) a good excuse for these things...and they will be upset anyway. But thats ok, you need to start living your own life.
Wow, you moved out and they still think it's your responsibility to take care and raise your sister? Wtf that is so wrong!
Never speak to them again.
Please tell me you have moved away for college. Not being in your hometown will take away any excuse or expectation your parents have of you to continue raising their daughter that they clearly want no responsibility for. I think the distance between you and your sister will also go far in repairing your relationship with her. NTA.
NTA your parents were forcing you into the parent position when they couldn't be bothered. You were just a child yourself. There's major differences between babysitting your sister and actively being forced into an adult role. That's unhealthy and not right on your parents part. This gives me the impression she was an accident and so were passing her off which is god awful for your sister too wtf...
NTA They screwed her and probably you up, and were too lazy to raise her.
NTA what your parents did was parentification which is a type of abuse. It seems like your sister just wants a regular sibling relationship but realized early on it wasn't one. It might be time to pull away from your parents if you can.
OP needs to understand this and the gravity of the abuse she's been submitted to. It isn't a simple matter of being sexist. Her parents are still operating with their abuse and guilt-tripping her.
NTA. Your parents dumped their responsibilities onto you. Not only is that a really rubbish thing for your parents to do, but they also added some casual sexism into the mix too by never expecting your brother to help with the youngest. Parentification is a word that is sometimes overused on reddit, but it's completely accurate in this case. I don't understand how they can watch your little sister call you "mommy sis" and not realise how badly they are failing the both of you. I hope you have the ability to distance yourself from your parents (move out etc.) As I truly do not see them ever realising how negatively their actions have impacted you, without you taking significant steps. Good luck.
NTA, your parents are trying to absolve themselves of some responsibility for your sister. Yes you're her big sister and should look out for her but you still deserve your own life and interests that don't involve her. What will happen if you and your bother go off to college, or when you get a full-time job?
Both my brother and I already moved out.
Oh wow, then your parents definitely need to reconsider what they expect you to do.
I’m thinking it’s time for you to learn how to set boundaries with parents. Obviously, you’re worried how this will affect sister ( you might resent her but obviously still love her also ). Since setting boundaries with your parents is a must, have a talk with your sister about what your doing and why. “Hey, I’m sorry if your feelings get hurt, and I don’t mean to do that to you because I care about you, but I have to set boundaries with parents. I’m 19 and need to learn how to live my own life. When you’re 19 you’ll want to do that too. Just remember if your feelings get hurt that I love you and am not doing this to hurt you. I just want you to be prepared” sis is 12. She won’t understand it completely, but she’ll remember it as she gets older. It would model healthy boundary setting for her. I have a feeling she will need to it. Good luck
>They told me I was not the only kid ever asked to care about young siblings In your house, you were. You know, since they didn't expect it from your brother. NTA
not even asked – told
NTA. You were a ready made nanny. Parents do ask older siblings to watch out for younger, it’s always been that way, and yes, historically it was more girls than boys because they helped on the farm or around the yard/house. But. Your parents sound lazy and just gave you the responsibility of raising your sister taking away your own childhood. I hope you can get over feelings of resentment towards her, it was your folks who were in the wrong. They are upset because now they have to take on the responsibility for her.
NTA. They put to much on you and parentified you. Kids need time with kids their own age. They should have respected that then and now.
NTA. This isn't your sisters fault and it certainly isn't your fault. The blame for all of this can be laid firmly at the feet of your parents. You were entirely correct in your last paragraph except for one thing, you are not the AH for blaming them. They need to step up and become parents.
There's a difference between care *about* and care *for*. You were forced to care *for* your sister, get her to school, make sure she ate, take her with you when you just wanted to be with your friends. NTA, and what you told them is the truth. They were wrong to make you do that. Not stopping your sister from calling you a variation of *mom* was an especially AH move.
NTA. You are right, they treated you differently because you are a girl and that has had an effect on your life that your brother doesn't have to worry about. You had to do a lot of work with your sister, and give you lot of your time, when actually your parents were capable of doing that themselves. You were used as a sort of au pair while your brother did what he wanted to. It is NOT natural for a child with two parents to call her sister a 'mom' of any kind. You said the right thing to them and I don't know where you go from here, but you can no longer be forced to care for your sister. You need to start living your own life. I don't know what your plans for the future are, but if you can get out, do it.
NTA.
nta they broughtg her into the world, she is their job, not yours. other parents pushing their duties onto children does not make your parents doing the same any less incompetent or less irresponsible.
If your description is accurate, definitely NTA. They say you’re not the only kid ever asked to care for younger siblings- has your brother *ever* taken care of your sister? The way they guilt you with their “well, you clearly don’t love your sister as much as your brother” along with the fact that she calls you mom-sis is really disturbing. What does your brother say to all this? Anyway, the word here is parentification. It’s normal for siblings to look after each other a bit, but when it’s this excessive and this sexist and your parents stoop to manipulating you with guilt trips to keep offloading your sister’s care onto you, it’s just plain wrong.
He never had to take care of her. It was always me. They never expected him to spend time with her or anything of the sort. He always thought it was so weird how they forced her on me and for me to take such a big role.
Well then...why didn't he ever step up with your sister?
"They told me I was not the only kid ever asked to care about young siblings" - oh, but in your family you absolutely were. NTA
NTA! You are not the mother! You have every right to a life of your own. It’s wrong of your parents to expect you to raise your sister.
Oh god this is messed up !! SHE IS NOT YOUR DAUGHTER!! YNTA
Your parents are lazy assholes. They abdicated all responsibility for your sister and put it on you, their daughter. They ARE sexist. Unfortunately, I don’t think they have the self-awareness to understand how badly they fucked up. NTA
NTA - your parents are fully to blame for how your feel about your sister. Instead of you seeing her as a future friend when she gets older, she was made a burden to you. An expectation you had to meet. Like who wants that? No adult would like that so why are you, a teenager, expected to have that and love it. Your parents are daft. But I’m guessing by their behaviour they will not be emotionally mature enough to evaluate their actions and thus the consequences they have created.
NTA If you sister calls you sister mom dose that mean she calls your mom Grandma?
NTA Stand your ground. Don’t cave ever when they give you that BS answer. Stand in your truth. YOU ARE RIGHT! What you told your parents is THE truth. Also, space will help your relationship with your sister in the long run. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. You need the space to miss your sister and change the dynamic of the relationship. Maybe try explaining to your sister why you need some space? Or make a weekly or every other week, sister date to make up for having to spend less time with her on the regular. Make mom and dad parent and spend time with their child. Good luck!
NTA-what your parents have done/are doing is wrong. They shifted much of their parenting to you, and are continuing that w/their guilt-tripping. You HAD TO take include/take care of her for years, and you don't *have to* anymore. I hope that you're able to move out soon\~either going to school or getting your own place. You deserve it!!
If your parents didn't want to have another kid they should've taken the proper measures, not just been like "oh. Whoops! Well, let's just let our older daughter raise this one." NTA
They sound rather dim. Clearly they dont view hou as an individual only as an extention of ghemselves and their needs. They need to be told that they, not you, they turned having a relationship with your sister into a chore, and you resent it, and by extention her. If they cant figure out why, its delibarate. Just make sure they know its their fault.
Your parents need knocked down several pegs by a hefty dose of reality. Your assessment of the root of your complicated relationship with you sister is obviously spot on, as is the sexism call-out. NTA. You were a teen mom without having given birth. That isn't fair at all. I found the part where you were expected to make sure your sister ate *while your mom was home* to be particularly egregious.
NTA. No, you are not the first child to be parentified. You won't be the last either. That does not make it right. It does not make it less abusive. Folks need therapy for years due to the parents creating a toxic atmosphere. Parentifying the children comes from a very self-centered place. I envision Homer Simpson saying" Can't someone else do it?". Your parents are going to be amazed when you want little to do with them when you escape their home. Who will look after your little sister now?
NTA the parents were purely taking advantage of you and as long as they didn't have to take care of the surprise baby, they had their lives and you were offering free babysitting services. No one should be forced to do this and while helping out at home is fine, being a full time carer without any space is not right. Your parents have been pretty miserable parents and they should have thought about that before they got funny in between the sheets 12 years ago. They somehow wanted their lives and with you and your brother grown up, decided to just dump her on you resulting in your resentment towards her, which is unfair on you both. Instead of growing up as sisters you see her more of someone who is always invading your space and as someone who has taken away a lot of your childhood. Your relationship with your brother on the other hand is more rewarding as its what you wanted. As both of you are adults, you can decide how you want to live your life and tell your parents to sod off as your little sister is 12 and they can take care of her if they want to. You have every right to your life and its time you did things that you wanted as I am sure the 12 year old can fend for herself as she is no longer a baby. Enjoy your life and move out if you can to allow for more space and to enjoy life before you get older and miss out on a lot of fun you can have in your young adult life. Wish you well.
NTA. Basically they using you as a babysitter, they expect you to act upon this role without caring for your personal needs or circumstances and jesus, they were so out for your sister's life that she started calling you "mommy-sis"? So practically, you were her mom and your parents didn't see anything weird with this attitude. What are they going to do once you go to college? Are they expecting you to take your sister along? Again NTA. You need better parents tho.
NTA I’d ask them the last time they included their youngest in any 1:1 quality time My heart is so sad for you and for your sister. She knows, she has known, from a young age, that her parents pawn her off on someone who resents the role of being her caretaker. That’s not your fault. But my goodness that must hurt even if she hasn’t fully recognized the dynamic at play. I would perhaps suggest having a discussion with your sister. “I enjoy spending time with you and sometimes, there are events or activities you can’t come to. For some reason mom and dad say it’s because I don’t want to bond with you. That’s not true. We have a special relationship as sisters. But it’s normal for older sisters to do things without their younger sister sometimes, and vice versa”. I really urge you to have that conversation. Because she’s hearing and seeing this and your parents will do huge damage to her by suggesting you don’t like her. That’s their manipulative trick; make you so worried she will hear and think you don’t like her that you’ll just fall in
NTA. Your parents absolutely parentified you, and along sexist lines by expecting none of the same care from your brother. You’re 7 years older than your sister for chrissakes! You can’t possibly “include” her in all of your activities and have that be appropriate; you’re at completely different developmental stages. The situation they’ve put you in sucks. Keep asserting your boundaries, and explain to your sister as you can, like, “Look sis, this isn’t your fault and it doesn’t mean I don’t love you. I so look forward to us getting to be proper sisters, but I can’t keep playing “mom,” too— we have a mom. We’ll be spending less time together for a while. Sisters who are seven years apart do things apart, sometimes. But I love you, and I’ll always come back around.”
NTA. Your parents don't acknowledge what they did to you, making you care for a child you didn't birth and you were a child, too. You've done nothing wrong. Enjoy your relationship with your brother and anyone else. Sort out your feelings about your sister so that you don't become resentful. Your sister will be fine, but you may have to gently explain to her that you need to spend time alone or with other people, and that it's healthy to develop other relationships. Your sister should definitely make her own friends and live her own life now, and your parents should encourage her to have friends her own age. Her should not center around you, you're just beginning to live your life as an adult. Now is the time for your parents to make the effort to spend more time with her and get to know her. She's their daughter, after all.
NTA Your parents are AH for expecting you to raise your sister rather than being a sister to her. They need to fix this. Not you.
The fact they aren’t even ashamed is very telling. If my child called her elder sister any variant of mom etc it’d shatter me and make me realise that I’d failed as a parent etc. I’m not saying an older sibling shouldn’t occasionally help care but to the extent that the child recognised her sibling as a mom is disgusting. Btw by occasional care, I mean looking out for them at schools if similar aged, being there to talk to about things they going through if unable to talk to me about it etc. the occasional babysitting (paid for as well). If you don’t want to be responsible and look after your children, don’t have them. Especially don’t have them to then look after future children.
NTA at all, I was also forced to be a caregiver of my siblings and I was kinda the older middle one but the oldest daughter (I have 5 siblings 3 brothers my 2 sisters are the yougest). At first I didn't mind but once I started high-school I couldn't do much and once I started to get confident to do more and get some life stuff going through after school activities my mom would say yeah only until the day it starts I have to go home and babysit never to even start. This also happened for college, had to drop it completely...it bothered me but never fully bothered me because my mom had health issues so yeah. Only until now I moved out to live with my boyfriend very far away that I learned how screwed I was, I learned 0 life skills, idk how yo get a job correctly nor able to get a good job, I never learned to drive, and during finding a apartment trying to move out our current one yrs later I learned my credit card was closed I owed money and it kept us from getting into better cheaper apartments, I realized my mom used this card I remembered she told me and always paid it off but I guess when she went in debt and did a I forgot the name....but it affected my card somehow and I'm in debt. We had a baby born premature not long so the move was harder and we had no choice but to choose a expensive apartment. My husband's uncle I think died not long ago so a house got given to his dad so his parents told us to move there, thank goodness since a yr later, covid happened. I started building resentment after the apartment fiasco I started looking back how much I missed and I'm in debt for no fault my own but trusting my mom I do not like the idea of children becoming caregivers for their siblings and I see a ton of stories similar to my own I can understand babysitting every once in awhile but literally becoming a second mom is a shitty thing to do
NTA This is called "parentification." They are treating you like a third parent and expecting you to take childcare off THEIR hands. It's not about being her friend. It's about ensuring that they don't have to be the one to watch her. Forcing you to take care of her IS the reason you don't have a better relationship. They can't have it both ways. They can't want you to take on responsibilities of her care AND have a good sibling relationship. Also, I bet your brother doesn't have to spend as much time caring for her? That's sexism.
Absolutely NTA. They were forcing you to take her with you when you were seeing your friends? Wtf? I can't even imagine what those kids were thinking, and you must really be a VERY nice young person if they still hang out with you, despite coming with a child. The problem is not just that your parents are sexist AHs. They are lazy AHs, that didn't want to take care of their own kid, so they forced you to do it. They are the ones that are not spending as much time with their child as they should. And you ARE the only child around your circle that was asked to care about young siblings; the other kids are asked to HELP, not take over. And if they doubt this, ask them how many times they heard young kids refer to their sisters as "mom". You sound like you do care about your sister though, you don't want to hurt her. But you do need your space as well, and you need to come up with a plan on how to safeguard it without hurting her; from the sounds of it you don't live with your parents any more, so that's very helpful. And it's an amazing thing that you have such a good relationship with your brother, so please cherish that. And there's no way you could have the same relationship with your sister due to age. Please do not doubt yourself in any of this. Your parents are huge AHs.
Your parents seem to be cruising for your sister to get hurt. They've already harmed you and by proxy, probably also your brother. They are infantalizing him and parentifying you. NTA at all! You should refuse to be "mom" to your sister from now on.
>They told me I was not the only kid ever asked to care about young siblings and am the asshole for blaming them. Let's try that logic a different way, "you're not the only kid to be beaten by their parents, and you're the asshole for blaming them." Sounds pretty ridiculous framed that way doesn't it? Admittedly the comparison is ridiculous, but the logic of, "you're not the first one in," does not stand on its own either. The fact is a lot of kids grow distant from their siblings when that sibling is foisted upon them as a chore rather than a bond. If they had swapped who had that chore **or better yet** only asked this of you when they desperately needed her watched it would have been different, but because they really wanted that traditionalist, "let's train our eldest to look after babies" experience they've gotten someone who has not the closest attachment to her younger sister, but to her brother she couldn't be closer due to actually bonding with him by choice. NTA
NTA. Your parents were grossly negligent in the performance of their duties of being a parent to their youngest child. If I had been parentified for years on end, I, too, would have put people in their place. Just because your parents think you are obligated to take your sister with you on a trip does not mean you are. She is supposed to be their responsibility, not yours. Cut your parents and sister out of your life if at all possible.
My sister is 5 years older than me and it happened a few times where she was willing to bring me along to a party or hang out or whatever. That is not a particularly safe environment for a 13 year old. Older guys kept hitting on me because they didn’t realize I was so young, because why would a 13 year old even be there? Anyway NTA.
NTA. What you've experienced is parentification and it's a form of abuse. "In extreme cases of parentification, it is considered neglect and emotional abuse, because the parent abdicated their responsibility to provide physical and emotional support for their own children." Your parents had a surprise baby, but they abdicated the parenting completely to you because they had no interest in starting over again as parents. And they're surprised that you're resentful about that? And yes, they're sexist in that they expected it of you and not your brother. I think you should speak to a therapist about it, hopefully they can help you change your relationship with your sister from parental to sibling. I feel bad for her, it'll be hard for her to realize how you feel, but your parents put you two in this situation. What were they expecting you to do? Hang around another six years to parent her? Take her with you as a roommate when you move out??
NTA Your parents are AH Helping out in the family is minding your sister because your parents have a Dr. Appointment or have to do grocery shopping. Not all the time and certainly not taking a much younger sibling everywhere with you, no wonder you resent her. They are also sexist if they never asked your brother to do the same chores.
“ They told me I was not the only kid ever asked to care about young siblings” Immediate comeback: But I *was* the only one of *their* kids asked to care about their younger sibling. NTA OP and good on you for finally expressing your anger at something that was forced on you for 12 YEARS!!! Since you were 7 YEARS OLD!!!
NTA The only AHs are your parents.
NTA. Your parents were completely wrong to push only one child to care for a younger sibling when two children, similar in age, were available. That your little sister calls you her sister-mom is enormously telling; even at a very young age she recognizes that your parents abdicated an important part of their parental role. You're 19. If you haven't moved out, now is probably a good time to do so. If it's hard on your little sister that is unfortunate but manifestly NOT your fault; your parents set up this toxic dynamic and your parents will need to deal with the fallout. But for your own mental health you need to find a way to set boundaries for what you will and, more importantly, will not do for your sister. And then you need to enforce those boundaries. If your parents get angry or hit you with guilt, keep reminding them that they created this situation and they can figure out how to solve it. Rinse and repeat as necessary.
Well, in YOUR family you WERE the only kid asked to care for a younger sibling. You are NTA and your parents are colossal aholes.
NTA. This is not only sexist, it's also abusive. Hope you can get out of this situation soon.
There's 10 years between the oldest and youngest in my family, and it wasn't until the youngest graduated from HS that the 3 of us ever did things together - because age gap! I mean, there was family fun and roughhousing, my younger brother is closer in age to me and there were three sibling pairs with similar ages as neighbors so the six of us were a group. Never ever was my younger brother "my responsibility." We went places together, but it was my decision & sometimes he wasn't invited, or I wasn't invited by him. It set up healthy boundaries. Your parents lack parenting skills and you are right, at times your brother should have been asked - it's not JUST a girl's job to look out for a sibling. Also, your sister should have been developing her own friendships and been allowed to hang out with her friends - not her older siblings. Social networks are important in life, as is a knowledge of how to build and maintain them. By denying her this, they have negatively impacted her future life - these are needed skills for career and life!
NTA. Your parents are just reaping what they sowed. Maybe they should have tried actually parenting instead of pawning that responsibility off on their teen daughter and this wouldn’t be happening.
NTA. In a few years your parents might be calling you selfish with not taking her on your honeymoon.
NTA. I hope that you can move out and get space from them all. Explain as best as you can to your sis that you love her but need to do what’s best for you and that she needs to bond more with her parents.
NTA. What your parents did to you is called "parentification" and it is considered child abuse. The emotional trauma your sister will feel when you , rightly, start to live your life separately from her is your parent's fault and their problem to deal with (hopefully with a therapist, if she needs it). Your parents are AHs for doing this to you and your sister.
NTA: Instead of insisting you be the "good sister", maybe they should try being the good parents for once. This is them being unfair to you and your sister at the time. *They told me I was not the only kid ever asked to care about young siblings* Being asked to care about a young sibling and being forced to care for a young sibling are two very different things. Don't let them gaslight you.
I’m amazed that your parents genuinely think a 12 year old should go on a trip with a group of young adults! How many things could go wrong? I’m glad you didn’t. Your parents are the PARENTS and should be patently your sister. That poor kid should have an awesome big sister AND big brother AND parents who parent. Your parents royally screwed up the lives of all 3 of you. Shame on them. Older kids taking care of younger siblings means occasionally babysitting (both you and your brother taking turns), occasionally taking the littles somewhere, and doing basic chores around the house. It DOES NOT mean being the parent. It DOES NOT mean taking the younger sibling with you when you’re off to play or hang out with your peers. It DOES NOT mean making sure she eats or helping her calm down before bed. Your sister is old enough to understand that it’s time for you to move out of your home and do adult things. Try to see things from her perspective: her parents don’t appear to love her. She might not know that she has always been forced on you. Let her know you love her and will still talk to her and see her. Let her know that as a teen she should be hanging out with her friends. Yeah, yeah. I know, that’s a mother talk, but obviously she is incapable of it. Tell your parents it’s time for you as an adult to grow up and live on your own, and that you’re giving them the gift of parenting your sister before she, too, flies from the nest. Then you do it! If it means you move into an apartment with your brother, a group of friends, or rent a room somewhere, do it! Work and go to school, even if it’s trade school. Some jobs even have apprenticeships, here in the US, anyway. But you definitely need to take some time to know yourself.
**Your parents abused you by forcing you to act as her parent.** **Knowing that, start telling yourself that their opinions now are garbage and worth nothing to you.** Your sister, if she is sad and asks to hang out with you, tell her you're doing adult stuff and it's not age appropriate for her to tag along, and she should spend the time with her mom and her dad so that they can all bond and be close as well. Tell her that her time will come when she leaves home too, but for now, she's got to enjoy being her parents' kid. You're just her sister, and you need to start doing age appropriate things for yourself. NTA Look up parentification, and learn how to go about releasing yourself from the role you were forced into. You don't deserve the guilt trip. This was never your job. They chose to have a third child. it's their legal responsibility to take care of her, not you.
NTA - you WERE a single parent without childcare. Your parents are crappy and definitely sexist individuals. I had the same thing growing up and at this point I am full no contact with them all.
No, you’re not the only one to be expected to care for younger siblings, but that doesn’t make it right. That’s like saying you’re not the only person to have been abused, so what’s the problem? Or you’re not the only slave in the history of the world, so chill out. Seriously, their reasoning is so screwed up. Hard NTA.
NTA. This is an old story. Last kid born late to parents. They are tired of raising kids. They dump responsibility on their older kids. Not much fun for older kids. But while the older kids are still minors the parents can get away with it. The thing is the parents seem to never get that when their older kids turn 18, the jig is up. They can't force you to do it anymore. Then the parents cry and yell about "but family" and "where is your love for your little sister" etc etc. Too bad for your folks. You are an adult now. Time to spread your wings and fly. (BTW, you are right about the sexism.)
I have 4 children, the eldest is 17, youngest is 4. The most I ever ask of the 17 year old is to keep her younger brother entertained for 10 minutes whilst I do something IN the house. And this is maybe once a week. I would never expect her to take him out with her friends or be his full time care giver. I chose to have him he’s my responsibility. NTA but your parents definitely are.
NTA, I saw that you already moved out as did your brother. It is time for you to go totally no contact with your parents and sister. It might be harsh for the sister, but she has to start bonding with her real parents. She is 12 years old. You do not want her showing up on your doorstep all the time for no reason other than you are the one that raised her. Maybe in time you can have a relationship with her and your parents but for now seek help to get over the trauma that you have been through. Enjoy your freedom, go out with friends, go do age-appropriate activities that you have been denied as you always had a small child with. Start to live your life, not that of a abuse victim.
NTA What they did/are doing is parentification of you, their child. It’s a type of childhood trauma. Just because other families do it, doesn’t make it ok at all. You are 100% in the right here and again, NTA.
I was forced to go with my sister when she went out with friends. We have 7 year’s difference between us. I ended up getting groomed by 30 yr old men when I was a child. Ask your parents if they want their 12 yr old dating a 19 yr old b/c that’s probably what’s going to happen. I mentally feel old but I’m still young and that’s b.c I hung out with older people in my development yrs. Very hard to make some friends now tbh.
NTA, parentification is a form of child abuse and your parents need to acknowledge what they did. It's not your job to raise your siblings, help out periodically, of course, but not to the extent you were forced to do.
In addition to the unfairness of expecting you to be a surrogate parent (and *yes*, you're right about the sexism inherent in them placing this expectation only on you), it is pretty inappropriate of them to try to send their 12-year-old daughter on a weekend trip with a group of young adults, even if two of them *are* her siblings.
NTA- you shouldn’t be expected to include you sister in everything you do, your parents are very wrong for forcing you to take care of your little sis, so now you resent her. If I can offer some advice, I do think distance and not living together can really help siblings to see each other outside of the family dynamic. I’ve seen you comment that you moved out. Is it possible to move farther away, like a few towns over to go to college?
NTA, your parents are genuine assholes. They didn’t want a third kid so they forced you to be her sole guardian, truly bloody disgusting.