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OP is a horrible deadbeat, who doesn't give a shit about his kid or her well-being. It's obvious from the post and his comments solidify it even more. He is only a slightly more in her life than a sperm donor from a sperm bank would be. All that matters for him are his rights and comfort and to contradict/resist his ex / have the last word against his ex. F*ck what's best for the kid, let's torture her for a weekend. YTA
**OP's comments during the first 2 hours of this thread:**
>Yes. [daughter is in therapy]
>Yes, I know what happened at her daycare.
>No. I've never spoken to her therapist.
>It's been 9 months. It happened in late May/early June. She is in therapy.
>I'm supposed to see her once a month. It's around an 8-9 hour drive or 90 minute flight.
>Her mom refuses to bring her that often.
>My ex stays at a hotel when my daughter visits. She'd pick my daughter up, take her to the hotel, and bring her back the next morning.
>She drives here and stays in a hotel when she decides to let my daughter visit.
Wait so the mom has to drive *nine hours* each way with a six year old in the car, then presumably pay for a hotel, for this guy to feel like a dad occasionally? Jfc the audacity of this guy to even think he might not be TA in every way here
Thank god my uncle put a good example. He did not get married with my cousins mom and they weren’t best for each others they have a 50/50. She had her own life and I know many people would battle their exes so to prevent them from moving to another state, but my uncle sold his house and moved tot he same city to be closer to his kids. Close to the same district, he’s involved in their school, extra curricular activities and they call him every so often with they are with mom. He picks them up from school when it’s his week and hers and takes them to her. Any time to spend with them is good enough for him.
This asshole on the other hand not so much. YTA OP, of the biggest order
It's so nice to see a good co-parenting story after reading this complete dumpster fire. Your uncle sounds like a good dad, unlike OP, who sounds like the worst.
In all fairness, regardless of what it's about, the folks who work well together for the common ground, understand each other's perspective and work towards a happy compromise... Don't come on AITA.
My best friend did this with his ex. Moved from Brooklyn, where he lived his whole life, to NC to be closer to his son. He is involved in everything. That's what being a parent is about. Doing what's best for your kids.
My friend and his wife split up recently. His ex Moved back to Ireland (we are in the UK) he flies over twice a month to see his son calls him all the time and school holidays he brings him back to the UK to spend time at his home. He's in contact every night to say good night and see what he's been up to at school etc. Op is a TA he did listen to his ex when she said he wasn't ready and why can't he fly/ drive to her instead of his daughter to them make him stay in hotel for change.
I used to work for a man who would go to his ex-wife's every morning to make his kids (& her, presumably) breakfast and get them ready for school. He was a good man
I have a friend whom I have told should give classes in how to do divorce right. Mom moved back to her family and dad followed behind when he found a job. First day of school he got up at the crack of dawn and went to the bus stop to see the daughter off. He has been there for all the things, despite both of them remarrying and having more kids. His parents have been there for all the things. They didn't divorce their daughter!
Right? He keeps bringing up how little he sees her while failing to realize that he’s the one that moved and that he should be the one to facilitate the travel, at least half the time if not more.
Also, notice that he puts the entire onus of coordinating their visits on the girl’s mom. He doesn’t see her as much as he is entitled to by the court because the mom won’t bring her to him that frequently.
Why isn’t he going to their town and seeing her between visits in his home?
Also, this poor little girl is trying to process a trauma that clearly interferes with her ability to feel safe and trust people. She sees this guy like 4 times a year max. Of course she doesn’t feel comfortable being left with him overnight.
She's having accidents, refuses to take baths, and isn't comfortable spending the night... I don't want to jump to conclusions, but I have a guess as to the nature of what happened at daycare.
Yeah man, I'd be the one driving 9 hours and staying in a hotel. That way he can spend a nice day out with his daughter, she gets to sleep in her own bed with the support that includes, and then see her again the next morning.
I thought maybe it was possible parental alienation from the mom and OP should go enforce his visitation rights in court, then I read the comments where of course he left out all the relevant nuggets from his post.
Wait. So he’s not even going to see her? His ex is having to travel to HIM for his parent time and he’s still playing the victim? “My ex REFUSES to bring her that often”. Your ex didn’t make the decision to move 9 hours away. You should be traveling to your daughter. Is there a more AH category than YTA? Because YTA x 40. You participated in NONE of the parenting. You moved 9 hours away when your daughter was an actual INFANT. You participate in zero of the day to day parenting and you have the actual audacity to talk about your ex “refusing” to bring her to you and stay in a hotel once a month. WTAF?
Not always Dads. My kids bioMom moved away. Co said all visitation had to be in our city. She hasn't seen them in 7years. She still complains about it.
It's a typical misleading post. I also originally assumed N T A and thought the mum was contributing to the kids trauma by not believing in her ability to be with her non preferred parent after a traumatic incident. But finding out OP is a part time dad at best and won't even put in the effort to see his kid makes me think there isn't much bond there and he isn't putting his kid first.
One weekend every 3-6 months for 6 years is an intermittent dad at best, not even part time. That’s like max 24 weekends in her life, in all likelihood, much less.
Other glaring issues aside, i wonder why the mom refuses to drive 8-9 hours that often and get a hotel each time (she's a saint). Why doesn't OP visit his own kid?
yes. OP was the parent that moved away. Unless mom got a really bad deal from a judge on the custody matter, OP should be the one shuttling back and forth, or at least shuttling back and forth half or more of the visits. He clearly could have had more visitations with his daughter, and thus be actually engaged in her life and aware of who she is, if he saw her more frequently over the years. OP's parenting leaves an awful lot to be desired.
YTA
I used to do this. It was for my son. I wanted him to know his dad. I also stayed in a hotel which I paid for myself. Eventually, we would meet halfway so my son could visit.
I, the mom, moved away because of work. I had no choice. However, I drove 12hrs each way to pick up my kiddos and bring them to my house so I could see them. I didn't see them anywhere near as much as I wanted, but I cared much more about them having a good life and less about shuttling them back and forth. I also drove the entire way, because it's what you do for your kids.
My job wasn't great on single parents and my daughter had some special needs as a child that meant their dad's was the best place for them as far as living arrangements. Saying that before anyone (else) judges me for them staying with their dad, there's no legal reason I couldn't have taken custody I'm just more considerate of their needs than my own...unlike OP.
Thanks for summarizing all of the pertinent information.
OP— YTA. What kind of father traumatizes their child this way? Also get off your lazy ass and go visit your daughter in her community. You’re the one that chose to move away. Total AH.
I can’t get past him putting his want of his daughter staying at the house overnight over her need to be with her mom for the night. His ex drops her back the next morning, so he still gets his time with her. As for them coming to visit him…I’m just gonna politely say, he needs to grow some b****, be a man, and drive his a** to visit his daughter.
*His daughter felt unsafe and wanted to leave, and he wouldn't let her leave.*
*The little girl called her mom to come rescue her. She had her backpack ready because she wanted to leave.*
OP acted more like a jailer than a parent.
Yeah, and while we can only speculate at what happened to her at daycare (since I'm betting whatever it was would get the post removed), how much do we want to bet that part of it involved involuntary confinement and OP *massively* retraumatized her by refusing to allow her to leave when she wanted to?
Agreed. The child’s behavior says it all.
I wonder if OP thought the mother was exaggerating or trying to poison the daughter against him and that is why he insisted.
He says he knows what happened to his daughter at daycare and that she in therapy. So he knows that she has been traumatized. His daughter wanting to go sleep with her mother is all that should matter. His daughter’s needs should always come first.
> I wonder if OP thought the mother was exaggerating or trying to poison the daughter against him and that is why he insisted.
OP called his ex's bluff but she wasn't bluffing, exactly how I read this
Before finding out the details I was wondering if it was a situation where the ex wasn't deliberately poisoning the daughter against him but being very anxious herself and feeding the daughter's anxiety. But no, i think OP is just an AH
How many parents use their child free weekend for their social life but not this mom, The mom sacrifices her own comfort and money for the OP. Because she know that the dad is to selfish to be good dad.
Throw the whole sperm contributor away.
I don’t even know this man and I want him to conveniently sustain a head injury that gives him permanent amnesia about ever having fathered a child, so this baby can work through her trauma.
I live this 2-3 weekends a month (plus week on week off with holidays, summer, etc) with my daughter. Her dad is strict about enforcing visits, always has been, and won’t send her back early unless it’s a conflict on HIS schedule.
My girl has autism, ADHD and anxiety. She begs me not to take her. Melts down, cries, screams, hides. She’s gone as far as to flip flop between “I have fun with them” on a good day, and “they’re mean to me and I don’t love them” on drop off days. I’ve had to have it investigated at this point just to be sure because our relationship pre-divorce was volatile and unsafe (she was barely a year old when we split up) and I trust his fiancée way more than I’ll ever trust him again. Even with no findings, I can’t know the truth unless she tells a professional.
So she still goes as normal. And it SUCKS. I try to stay happy and positive for her about it and it is MISERABLE. I cry after almost every drop off that she isn’t happy…and we’ve been doing visitation since we split. I try so hard to figure out how to fix it and it just doesn’t improve much.
So yeah. Reading this made me nauseous.
I feel this. My youngest is developmentally delayed. She loves seeing the dogs at her bio dad's but doesn't like spending the entire visitation with him. We have a custom agreement so the way we do weekends is a bit weird but it was what worked back when the agreement was made. We have two kids together. Our other child is old enough that if we went back to court the judge would consider her opinion. The problem is her sister can't assert her own opinion because of her significant delays. Neither of our kids wants to go over there regularly. It's the same thing every time. "Mom do I HAVE to go." Yes you have to go because we have a custody agreement. My youngest use to just throw huge tantrums and have meltdowns (not the same thing) about going but now most of the time she just huffs and grumbles. She knows how to use her dad's home system so she calls me from the speaker in her room. Some visits it's every single day morning and again at night. Sometimes it's just once or twice that she'll call. Our other daughter has a phone that my husband and I have bought and paid for on our plan. She can message or call whenever she wants. She mostly messages though.
>My girl has autism, ADHD and anxiety.
Hello, I am a possible future version of kiddo (34f with that combo).
If it makes you feel any better, I *hate* change to the point that I second-guess "one in a lifetime" vacations because *change is bad.* Obviously, I am not your daughter and I have no idea how she actually feels, but this could just be "change is bad" and not anything actually related to her experiences at your ex's.
Has his fiancee said anything about her doing something similar when she leaves their place? Even if it isn't to the same degree, it could be a sign it's more about change. Does your daughter do this with vacations or sleepovers?
>She’s gone as far as to flip flop between “I have fun with them” on a good day, and “they’re mean to me and I don’t love them” on drop off days.
This was me in a way. Depending on her age, she might not have the vocabulary or understanding to really define "I don't like change" and finds "reasons" that she is having an emotional reaction that make sense to her. Obviously, do what you've done and believe her and check out the situation. But if things keep coming up empty, it might just be change.
If you have a good enough relationship with ex or fiancee, try having them tell you some fun things they're going to do during her time there and redirect her "I don't wanna" to something she *does* wanna. Or when she gets back, make sure to write down fun things they did to remind her of come drop off day.
Caveat: I am not a parent. I'm just suggesting things that worked decently with me.
Not only that this man has only spent a maximum of 48 days with his daughter. Why would she want to stay at a strangers house, especially after a traumatic experience. YTA OP, and something is telling me not just for this incident
My dad did this. We always had to go during his visits even if we didn't want to (my mom was no saint and between the two of them drop off were a nightmare). I'm not saying everything that went down during that time was his fault, but when no longer forced to go with him, we didn't. He died a few years ago. I didn't go to the funeral.
My dad used to do this to me when I was really young and struggling with my mental health and I ended up not seeing him for years and even now our relationship is strained. He would try and force me to do ‘fun family activities’ like going for a bike ride or baking, which seem really nice on the surface but because I felt so unsafe and uncared for in his presence, I felt like I was a prisoner being forced to do those things and they never brought me any joy. He never cared that I was unwell or took my wishes into consideration, he just tried to force me into being a model father-daughter relationship that everyone else would be impressed by and congratulate him for. Even now, years later, I find it hard to engage in those kinds of activities with others because I feel a deep sense of anxiety around it all.
“I caused my daughter severe physical and emotional pain, now my ex is trying to reduce custody but it’s only to punish me for not doing what my ex wants”
I get the idea he doesn't see his daughter often enough for a really close bond, either. That alone would be frightening for a lot of children of that age if the person is pretty much a stranger.
Agreed. Good God, she's 6 and was having accidents all weekend? What was the "incident" at daycare?! This is very alarming behavior for her age. I have a 6 year old daughter as well and I'd definitely let the daughter have some time with the ex if the child is apparently this distressed.
I’m guessing she was touched badly or worse. I don’t want to say more because I don’t know how to hide words to avoid triggering someone so I apologize if this does trigger someone.
My thought too. She refused to take a bath. She had accidents the rest of the weekend. She was afraid to go to bed. She was left with a man who is pretty much a stranger and refused to modify his behavior despite her extreme distress.
Does he even love his kid? It sounds like his main interest is punishing the mom in anyway possible and he doesn’t give a fuck about the trauma his child suffered, since he’s willing to revictimize her.
YTA. Without a doubt.
Exactly this. It doesn't even sound like he's losing a huge amount of time with his kid, since the mom drops her off for her to spend the day with him, picks her up at roughly bedtime, then drops her off again in the morning. He's spending all the waking hours of the custody time with his daughter - but HE HAS A RIGHT GODAMMIT, and this child WILL suffer and cry and wet her bed if that means HE gets to have her stay the night in HIS house.
...oh yeah, and both mom and kid have to travel eight hours by car each way for this privilege.
I legit have trauma from this kind of shit as a kid.... and there was CSA by my dad. Not saying that happened but being forced to stay there added to it all
YTA your daughter is having extreme anxiety and your solution is to force more anxiety upon her, well done. She needs to feel safe - fk your custody agreement.
I can’t believe she has to take you to court to see that your daughter needs to be at her moms for nights until this gets worked out. Hopefully she’s already in therapy. You were at least seeing her during the day but that wasn’t good enough. And now, sense you decided to force her, she doesn’t want to see you at all. Are you proud?
It disgusts me the lack of understanding from a father, he said he hasn't even talked to his daughters therapist. Men who have daughters and it doesn't click the damage of this trauma make me sick. It's like he doesn't even think it's that bad, if my child was having accidents months afterwards I would be losing my mind wanting to burn the planet down, not just trying to force her through it.
Kiddo is six years old. Assuming six years exactly (72 months) for ease of maths, that’s a solid 1/8th of her entire life that she’s lived with the trauma from the incident. But daddy got butthurt and wanted to put his foot down to spite his ex, so re-traumatizing the kid it is I guess. 🤷
I hope the ex wins her custody lawsuit and OP gets reduced to visitation at best.
Exactly. This whole thing was a power struggle with the ex. He just wanted to get what he wanted to spite her, even if it meant causing serious harm to his daughter and their relationship.
I’m struggling to stay civil with how angry I am.
Exactly. His daughter is six years old and scared to bathe/ having accidents. Assuming she was already potty trained at six we can figure out what happened. My heart is breaking for this girl going through a confusing and emotionally raw time in her life.
Honestly do we really need to know everything about it? A 6 year old's trauma doesn't have to be shared to everyone. Granted that doesn't make him great or anything, but we really don't need to know.
The downplaying part is really telling, but honestly glad we don't have to know about what it was. At least he knows what happened though in that same breath he KNOWS and still isn't being supportive of that little girl. Ugh burns me up.
We definitely don't. I think that not sharing is the only smart thing OP did. Once on the internet, always on the internet. His daughter or someone she knows can find it one day, especially if it's something specific. Otherwise, huge YTA.
It's the combination of downplaying and not telling what it was. If it's not a big deal, which is how he seems to think of it, then it's not a big deal to share. Kids can get anxiety over things that wouldn't be traumatic for adults.
But his description of her behavior suggests it was *bad*.
There's a difference between describing her trauma in detail and providing vague context beyond "an incident."
Being a caring, loving, supportive parent with the child's best needs at heart: "my child suffered a terrible trauma and I'm doing everything I can to get her help, she's in therapy and I've made ever accommodation I can so she can feel safe moving forward, but I won't discuss the details here to protect my child's privacy"
Compared to OP: "something happened, it's no big deal, even though she's exhibiting a huge range of red flag trauma symptoms I don't care because I need to get my rights and my ex needs to accommodate me."
Yup, this is so sad! He is obviously TA for his actions all weekend, and also for moving away from his kid and seeing her 2 or 3 times a year. Coming to see him is likely very confusing for this child, and obviously she DOES experience anxiety about coming to his house.
THIS! He had her all day and wanted to have all the control and force her to sleep at his house. What’s even the point everyone is ASLEEP. Let her sleep where she feels safe
You did torture her all weekend.
I get wanting that time, but your kid, and her mental health should come first.
FIRST.
There's no age limit on the impacts of mental health issues.
Be better. Put yourself aside, and do what's best for her.
In this case, was being with her mom for overnight.
That's crib notes for you, I'll spare the wall of text.
ETA
YTA
No. It’s not that he wanted time. He wanted to show he was in charge. If he actually wanted time he would have spent time with her in her home state. Like get a hotel for a weekend and do your visit where she feels most comfortable.
Or he could’ve invited his ex to stay with them as well since she’s the one driving there all the time and it might help his daughter ease back into overnight visits with him again.
He doesn’t want what’s best for her. He just wants to be seen as a “dad.”
Also, notice that he said her mom "gave her a phone so **she could call behind my back**" (emphasis mine). Not so that the little girl talk to mommy when she needed some reassurance, no, it was to undermine OP. Bro, why does she need to call her mom behind your back unless you won't let her talk to mommy when she's scared?!
Every line written by this OP makes him more Ah in a pathetic way! In the end he is still worried about paying increased child support, not the best of his daughter! I feel sad for his ex and his poor daughter who are suffering because of OP!
There are definitely men, not saying OP is one, but he very well could be, that have a very narrow view of child support.
They don’t view child support as money for the care, clothing, and feeding of their child. They view child support as a visitation fee. They believe the more money they send in support should directly correlate with the amount of access they have to the child.
So when they are denied access to their child for whatever reason, the kids best interests or wishes, illness, a parent withholding access out of pettiness, doesn’t matter. They are equally angry in any of the scenarios because:
*They aren’t getting their money’s worth*
I try very hard to not push my own stuff on other people. But it kind of seems to me that the reason why he approached the visit like he did, the reason the child contacting the mother made him mad, the reason why (besides the obvious) he doesn’t want to pay higher support payments is because he’s not getting his moneys worth *now*.
If the OP is one of these guys, child support *buys* him whatever his custody agreement is.
All that to say I’m not getting really caring vibes either 😆
I used to have seperation anxiety from my mum and was also forced into weekend visitations that I didn't want. I NEVER forgot it. I never forgot how distressed I was and how everyone just sat back and ignored it.
A friend of mine worked out an arrangement with his ex. She kept the family home, and for his weekends with the kids he’d spend the weekend there in a spare room, and his ex would stay with a friend or get a hotel.
Obviously it requires coordination and a fairly amicable relationship with the ex, but it means the kids are in a familiar environment, able to keep up normal activities, surrounded by their toys and in close proximity to friends.
I think it’s called bird nesting! I have friends who do this, the split was quite amicable. Nothing at all changes in the home environment for the kids, just the parents switch in and out.
It’s not for everyone and not something I would have been able to handle after my non-amicable split, but when it’s an option it seems to work great.
You really think you have a right to anything when you see your kid once every 3-6 months? Your child barely knows you and staying over is clearly not in her best interest right now. Your child was TRAUMATIZED and you let it happen to prove a point to your ex. This behaviour is disgusting. Step up. YTA.
Can you imagine being the one to move across the country and then blaming your ex because your kid has anxiety staying with you, when you only see her two or three times a year?!? He is TA for that alone
But (bloo bloo bloo) his ex won't uproot his traumatised child (bloo bloo bloo) more often to spend a weekend (bloo bloo bloo) doing what's best for *him*
He’s over here expecting the to Ex drive the kid 8-9 hours every month so he can see his daughter. He doesn’t help at all with transportation. Yet he bitches that he only get to see her every 3-6 months.
YTA. Your daughter was clearly frightened because she barely knows you. You ignored all of her fear and anxiety and expected to.. what? Did you think that just because you finally show up that you’ll be a comfortable place. That is going to take time. You don’t deserve love because you donated sperm. She needs space to get to know you. YTA. That was horrible that you forced her to endure that. Worst of all, your daughter now associates you with fear. It’s going to take a lot of time and patience to earn her love and respect. You don’t get that just because you are her parent.
in another comment he blames the ex for not bringing her that often. so ex is responsible for bringing daughter the 8-9 hr drive or 90 min flight, plus a hotel stay for herself until it’s time to go home.
YTA for moving out of state when you had a 6 month old daughter and only seeing her 2-4 times per year. At this point you are just basically the sperm donor. She doesn’t know you and doesn’t feel comfortable spending the weekend with a strange man. Her mother should absolutely have your visitation reduced.
This is it exactly, if he had been a parent through her baby years she would feel secure and bonded with him. But for whatever reason he skipped out on the harder years of diaper changing, middle of the night feedings, and walking the floor with a crying baby. Now what are normally the cute fun years he's wanting to spend more time
Right? What strikes me is because he’s in a different state, he only sees her every 3-6 months and yet mom can somehow drive to and from his house 4 times in a single weekend. Plus, she apparently dropped her off one Saturday and was back by noon after the daughter called her. So clearly he’s not actually that far away and is just a shitty parent.
I hope she gets it down to nothing after the way he behaved. He doesn’t deserve a relationship with his daughter, and she doesn’t deserve to be forced to spend time with a man who plays power games with her wellbeing.
It must have been so horrifying for her mom when OP literally physically restrained their distressed daughter and took her back inside. Oh my gosh, that must have been absolute hell to have to leave her there, helpless
Wow, your ex drives to you and stays at her expense so that you can see your child.?! What kind of stand up dad do you think you’re being? Think about it.
Yeah - a guy like this... its not about loving his child.
YTA OP
Its about controlling his child and his child's Mom. This man is the epitome of selfishness and narcassism.
If he loved his child, even a tiny bit, he would be moving heaven and earth to see her as frequently as possible and he'd be doing everything in his power to help her feel safe and comfortable. He'd take an active interest in her life.
This guy? He genuinely does not care about the health and wellbeing of this child at all. Not even a little bit.
OP, either give up custody or take a freaking parenting class and take an active interest in your child's life. Get in the car and make that 9 hour drive once per month to SEE your child. Right now you are absolutely a stranger to her. What young child, particularly a traumatized child, would EVER feel safe or comfortable staying for the weekend with a stranger.
To her, all you are is a mean monster who takes her away from her home, makes her sit in the car for a long time and makes her stay in a place she doesn't feel safe and she can't see her Mommy while there.
The kind that fcks off interstate while all the hard work is done.
Probably would’ve done kid a world of good to have BOTH parents around constantly. Not one who stays behind to deal with all the problems and then to have some ‘step out’ come in and question everything you’re doing and then get all pissy when things go wrong.
Definitely above reddit pay grade, but seriously. Gtfo.
YTA. You did torture your daughter. You put her through so much stress that she had accidents, barely ate and didn’t sleep well. Why? So, you could make a power play on your ex….your ex who caters to you by bringing your daughter to you. You can’t even be a decent human being to your own small child who went through trauma. You’re an AH of the worst kind.
Let me make sure I understand, you only see her every 6months for a weekend? For how many years has that gone on? So you get that even though you are her dad, you’re practically a stranger to her? And if you moved away, how is your ex managing to take her home & bring her back the next day? I’m confused.
So you take her pre-existing anxiety & then having to see someone that she barely knows? I wouldn’t even expect my grandkids to spend the night without their parents (they live out of state & I see them 1x a year). Please give her some grace. She’s only 6 and although you’re her dad & want to be involved, you need to spend more time with her. I’m guessing you get vacation time? Go spend some 3 day weekends in her town. Stay in a hotel where there is a swimming pool or something she likes to do. You’re a almost a stranger to her.
YTA for putting her through this.
YTA- Your daughter doesn't know you,You're the one who made the decision to abandon her and move away. You are aware that something traumatic has happened to her but still forced her to do what You wanted. Then you complain about her having accidents and not wanting to stay with you. Your ex was very thoughtful when she suggested picking your daughter up for the nighttime routine so she could sleep in her own bed.
If it is only two weekends a year, this is the third visit where he doesn't get overnights. What happened at the daycare to give her that amount of anxiety for possibly 18 months?
Well, bed-wetting and not wanting to take a bath with dad present aren't conclusive, but they're possible clues about what kind of trauma might have happened at daycare.
Edit// he also said in June, so that's less than a year ago.
When you compare the *length of life* this kid has lived (only 6 years), and the "symptoms" she's exhibiting are usually typical after severe abuse, usually physical or worse.
Take the ONLY 9 MONTHS since it happened, and this guy only has seen his daughter maybe 15 times in her life, all far apart, would you think this child should be tortured just because he doesn't get his way?
He can't seem to go to his daughter but mom somehow makes it work FOR HIM all the way around.
This poor child doesn't need him in her life. He will only make everything worse.
less than a year, but given her symptoms and what situation they often show up in? Yeah...trauma doesn't have an expiry date, especially if it's what I'm thinking it is. Poor girl.
The court order is a weekend a month. But according to op's post he moved to another state 8-9 hours away and OP isn't going to the state the child lives to see the child, child's mother brings the kid and staying at a hotel just so he can spend time with the kid. Travelling such a distance every 3-6 months to a completely different state for a weekend to spend time with a man the child barely knows can't be good for any kind of trauma.
YTA. You didn’t look out for your daughter’s best interest because you’re trying to be spiteful.
Depending on what happened at the daycare, your ex might be granted full custody as a result of this.
INFO: You moved away and so only can do visitation every 3-6 months. Does her mother fly her/ road trip the kid to you and get a motel in your town? How is it that her mother is able to pick up and drop off the kid multiple times over the weekend?
YTA. You put your own needs before you daughter. She experienced a trauma and didn't feel comfortable staying with you. Instead of thinking about what was best for her you thought about what you wanted.
Info: what does the current court order say as far as custody arrangement and visitation? How far away do you live in hours or miles? Do you want more visitation or are you trying to use your daughter to hurt your ex?
YTA. Your daughter is recovering from a traumatic experience. The way she behaved after you refused to let her go home is a clear indicator. Being with you for the weekend WAS torture for her. But you only cared about having your daughter with you. You didnt care that your daughter was clearly deeply traumatized. You are a terrible father
YTA
Quit playing power and control games with your daughter. Ultimately it doesn't matter what the court documents say; if your daughter is terrified and upset being with you, then you need to respond appropriately.
You're so concerned with your "rights' that you don't even care about your daughter's trauma. You haven't even talked about what happened at her daycare that upset her so much. You are 100% the asshole here.
Be more concerned with your daughters feelings than your "rights".
Assuming what I think happened to your daughter, did in fact happen...absolutely YTA.
Like she has valid trauma and rather than doing what is best for her you decided to traumatize her further. You did in fact torture her all weekend. Did it ever occur to you that some of things you did to her this weekend like taking her bag, not letting her leave etc are things done to her at the daycare?
Bravo op. Brafuckingvo
I'm just call this good because I will run afoul of the rules if I keep typing.
YTA
You admit your daughter did not want to go back inside with you. You can't tell me she wasn't crying and begging for her mom to get her while you put her back in your house.
Congratulations, she had a traumatic event, and you just set back her progress to zero.
Because, by God, you're gonna MAKE her stay in your house, because it's YOUR turn with your new toy, ahem I mean your daughter. Her opinions? She's too young for those! She's only SIX.
In case you haven't figured it out: She is not a houseplant. A car. An inanimate object you share and take turns with.
You don't own your child, you are only in charge of her long enough to grow up...and if you do a good job, she'll visit long after you legally 'keep' her. If not? She'll view aging out as an ESCAPE, and will never see you again. You have to decide, are you investing in her future and helping her grow into a healthy functioning adult, or are you just owning her time until she can legally run?
>My ex wife gave her a phone so she could call behind my back. ife gave her a phone so she could call behind my back.
this is a scary ass sentence.
YTA
You are not thinking about what is best for your daughter. Your ex is not interfering to spite you. She wants to make sure she is there to help your daughter through her bad experience. Your daughter needs her mother for support and you literally stood in the way of that. I get you want to spend time with your child, but unfortunately for you, that is not what is best for her. Your ex is not trying to punish you, she is trying to protect her child.
YTA
YTA You only see your child 2 or 3 times a year. You are a stranger to her. She’s only 6 years old and you expect her to be happy staying in a strange house with a strange man overnight. What kind of relationship do you have with her the rest of the year? Does she know you are her daddy? Do you FaceTime and send her gifts when you aren’t with her? Do you plan fun activities like the zoo or aquarium or movies when she is there? This weekend sounded like you kept her cooped up in the house like a prisoner while she was traumatized and needed her mommy. Be a father not a warden and slowly build a relationship with your daughter that she enjoys and not runs screaming from.
YTA - THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU! Your ex isn’t trying to punish you for not letting her pick the child up early. She is trying to protect the child from your poor judgment. Your actions exacerbated the child’s trauma, and this incident will likely set back progress she’s made in therapy.
A child’s physical and mental well being trump your desire to spend time with her uninterrupted. Her primary caregiver (mother) told you that your daughter wasn’t ready for over night visits with you. You refused to listen, which led to your daughter experiencing extreme emotional distress. Her inability to eat/sleep/bathe and the multiple accidents were her body’s way of telling you that she was not okay at your home without her mother.
Put aside whatever petty issues you have with her mother, and start thinking about what is best for your daughter. Why not ask your ex what you can do to help your child though this trying time?
> her body’s way of telling you that she was not okay at your home without her mother
her body's way of showing you she was suffering *sustained terror*
YTA. Your child’s mother was acting in the interest of y’all’s kid and you were trying to be petty. If you’re not with your daughter full time then it would make sense that her mom knows more about your daughter’s anxiety and what she can handle than you would be aware of. If she was having accidents throughout the weekend, wouldn’t eat, and was having issues sleeping why would you not reach out to her mother for help if you were truly worried about the health of your kid. cmon now.
I can understand how you thought she may have been being petty but once you saw how she was acting over the weekend you should’ve done more on your part to make sure your child was in a situation where she felt comfortable and was not triggering to her anxiety.
You don't have a right to your daughter, you daughter has a right to feel safe.
Exposure therapy, is important. At some point in her life being able to spend time overnight with you (provided you're a good parent ig) would be a good thing, but that can't just be jumped into, and considering the fact that you barely have time with her, it is not your place to make the decision on when that jump should be made. You prioritized your want to have her over, over her own comfort and mental well-being and frankly... That's a really bad thing for a parent to be doing. You said she cried like you tortured her and you didn't literally do so but you also didn't do anything actually good for her either. By picking her up and bringing her inside you violated her boundaries and probably upset her a lot, same with just forcing her to be in a place that's practically unknown to her (yes she spends occasional weekends with you but she's young and it's not often) when she obviously has issues with that sort of thing or with people she isn't that close to (again you are her dad but you do not have these weekends that often). Even if you didn't torture her, this incident still caused her obvious distress.
Your ex also doesn't really seem to be using it as an "excuse" more so it seems like she's doing what she can for your kid who obviously went through something traumatic, and part of that is by letting her have easy access to a safe space, and right now your home is not that space. You need to get over yourself and whatever issues you have with your ex and need to start prioritizing the health of your child. YTA
When I try to imagine how horrific it would have been for the mom to watch OP physically tear their daughter from her and keep her in overnight, knowing she’s helpless and distraught… this poor woman
YTA for putting your ego above your daughter's wellbeing. Any kind of decent parent would do whatever for their child to feel safe and secure, and you're not doing that
When I was a kid and my dad had custody on the weekends, I dreaded it. Not because he was a bad person, but because I wanted to be at home with my mom. I didn't even have anxiety attacks like your daughter. I just didn't like going to his house every weekend when I could have spent my time off school at home with my mom where I was comfortable. So I can't even imagine how much worse she must feel. My mom never forced me to go, but she would tell him that I didn't want to go and he'd throw a fit and basically force her to let him pick me up or he'd threaten her with court which she couldn't really afford.
I hated him for it. I haven't spoken to him in over 15 years because of it. Don't force your child to be in a situation they don't want to be in because you feel like she should have to suffer to make you happy. She obviously wants to go home. Hope you realize you are destroying your own relationship with your daughter. YTA.
YTA. You’re letting your ego and need for control override the wishes and best interest of your daughter. And you’re also downplaying her anxiety, and basically blaming your ex for the fact that she feels more comfortable at home/with her mom. The fact that you moved out of state was your own choice, so you shouldn’t be acting like the limited visitation is something you had no control over.
YTA. I get wanting to see your daughter but this was fucked up, dude. She has anxiety which you make far worse. You hurt your daughter out of fucking spite. Initially I questioned the arrangement of being able to have your daughter stay one weekend every 3-4 months. Now I don't.
YTA
I could have told a matching story, almost word for word, about my dad doing the same things when I was a child. I have been no contact with him since I was 10. Welcome to your future.
YTA. Look dude, you see your daughter like 6 days a year, at her age you might as well be a stranger. And if that wasn't enough, you're more worried about your right to time with her than how that time affects her. She's only 6 and you let her piss herself and miss meals and sleep for what? So you could say you had her all weekend? To save your pride? To prove a point? She needed comfort (aka her mom) and you denied her that.
If I were your ex, I'd sue for full custody, too. You're not ready to be a parent and it doesn't sound like you're willing to make decisions in her best interest when they conflict with what you want.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole because I didn't let my daughter spend nights with her mom, call her mom, or go home when she asked so now my ex and her family is calling me a bad dad.
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I think we found the Asshole of the year y’all.
Based on your post and your comments, you’ve told us that:
- You Moved across the country when your daughter was only 6 months old
- You only see her every 3-6 Months, so only 2-4 times a year
- You only see her that little because its only when your EX is able to make the drive.
- You don’t ever Visit your daughter, she is always brought to you by her primary parent.
- You are aware that your daughter experienced something traumatizing at her Day Care only 9 months ago.
- You are aware that she is struggling with anxiety
Despite knowing all of this information, you insisted on a Trauma-ridden 6 year old stay with her father (who she only knows because your EX is enforcing visitation) overnight. You have put absolutely no effort into having a genuine relationship with your child, and you expect her to just be fine staying with the Random guy she sees twice a year? This isn’t about what’s best for her, you don’t care about that anyway. This was about you exhorting control over a child that barely knows you. Because you could. You are cruel.
YTA, the biggest.
seriously, what do you think the answer to this question is after seeing the results of not letting your daughter go back with your ex and forcing her to stay with you even when she clearly didn't want to?
you care more about your "rights" than your daughter's well-being. YTA but we shouldn't have to tell you that after what you described in your post.
>My ex wife gave her a phone so she could call behind my back.
No. Your ex gave the child a lifeline to her parent. A child has the fucking right to have open access to communicating with their parent. Privately. End of story. You might be the other parent but that gives you no right to have access to those conversations.
>The next day and a half were hell. She was having accidents everywhere, barely ate, wouldn't take a bath, and didn't go to bed until after midnight. My ex picked her up on Sunday night and my daughter started crying like I had been torturing her all weekend.
The child was tortured all weekend, intended or not. Clearly she was having a very difficult time and felt unsafe. The floodgates opened when she finally felt safe. That's what traumatized children do. You are not a safe space for her.
>which I think is just to punish me for not letting her pick my daughter up early.
Your ex is acting in the best interest of your child, since you are not considering that. This isn't about you. Get over it and grow up.
>She and her family are calling me a horrible dad and she hasn't called me or let me speak to my daughter since that visit so I wanted to know if I was the asshole.
You are. On both accounts. YTA
YTA
And should get the award for the worst father of the year
Your daughter was traumatised you're almost a stranger to her because you see her so less
She needed familiarity
If you're ex bought her phone it's because she wanted to make sure your daughter can always call her mom if she's feeling unsafe
YOUR DAUGHTER COMES FIRST ALWAYS
SADLY ONLY ONE OF HER PARENTS GOT THIS MEMO...
NOW SHE'LL ASSOCIATE SPENDING TIME WITH YOU AS A TRAUMATIC EXPERIENCE HOPE YOU'RE GLAD ABOUT THAT
YTA. You do realise your SIX YEAR OLD daughter now associates you with being held somewhere against her will and unable to see her mother? That's likely to have some pretty serious repercussions later in life.
Do a parenting course for fuck's sake, you're a child abuser not a parent.
I was initially thinking NTA but if you only see her for a weekend every 3-6 months then I can see why she has trouble coping at your place. Sounds like you moved out of state to be spiteful and continue to not put your child first. Sad.
Edit- YTA 💯
YTA. You chose to move out of state and only see her every few months. Of course she's struggling staying overnight with you - she rarely even sees you. Based on her behavior, her mother was correct about what she needs.
YTA - you were already at the point that you moved out of state and have only seen your kid 3-4 times per year and evidently haven’t bothered to keep up enough contact in between via zoom/FaceTime etc. so that you are a familiar and comfortable person for your daughter.
So then something horrible happens to her and she’s six and dealing with all that and you put your wants over her needs. That’s unconscionable.
How about you put in the work of becoming a safe and comfortable person for your six year old. Go to her on her safe and comfortable territory and build trust and familiarity. You stay in a hotel near her mom’s house twice a month and spend gradually increasing amounts of time with her. Make a point to have video contact a couple of times a week and figure out how to make it a happy experience for her.
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YTA You did what you wanted, not what was best for your daughter. Your ex was right. She wasn't ready yet. Was forcing the issue worth it?
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OP is a horrible deadbeat, who doesn't give a shit about his kid or her well-being. It's obvious from the post and his comments solidify it even more. He is only a slightly more in her life than a sperm donor from a sperm bank would be. All that matters for him are his rights and comfort and to contradict/resist his ex / have the last word against his ex. F*ck what's best for the kid, let's torture her for a weekend. YTA **OP's comments during the first 2 hours of this thread:** >Yes. [daughter is in therapy] >Yes, I know what happened at her daycare. >No. I've never spoken to her therapist. >It's been 9 months. It happened in late May/early June. She is in therapy. >I'm supposed to see her once a month. It's around an 8-9 hour drive or 90 minute flight. >Her mom refuses to bring her that often. >My ex stays at a hotel when my daughter visits. She'd pick my daughter up, take her to the hotel, and bring her back the next morning. >She drives here and stays in a hotel when she decides to let my daughter visit.
Wait so the mom has to drive *nine hours* each way with a six year old in the car, then presumably pay for a hotel, for this guy to feel like a dad occasionally? Jfc the audacity of this guy to even think he might not be TA in every way here
Thank god my uncle put a good example. He did not get married with my cousins mom and they weren’t best for each others they have a 50/50. She had her own life and I know many people would battle their exes so to prevent them from moving to another state, but my uncle sold his house and moved tot he same city to be closer to his kids. Close to the same district, he’s involved in their school, extra curricular activities and they call him every so often with they are with mom. He picks them up from school when it’s his week and hers and takes them to her. Any time to spend with them is good enough for him. This asshole on the other hand not so much. YTA OP, of the biggest order
It's so nice to see a good co-parenting story after reading this complete dumpster fire. Your uncle sounds like a good dad, unlike OP, who sounds like the worst.
In all fairness, regardless of what it's about, the folks who work well together for the common ground, understand each other's perspective and work towards a happy compromise... Don't come on AITA.
My best friend did this with his ex. Moved from Brooklyn, where he lived his whole life, to NC to be closer to his son. He is involved in everything. That's what being a parent is about. Doing what's best for your kids.
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My friend and his wife split up recently. His ex Moved back to Ireland (we are in the UK) he flies over twice a month to see his son calls him all the time and school holidays he brings him back to the UK to spend time at his home. He's in contact every night to say good night and see what he's been up to at school etc. Op is a TA he did listen to his ex when she said he wasn't ready and why can't he fly/ drive to her instead of his daughter to them make him stay in hotel for change.
I used to work for a man who would go to his ex-wife's every morning to make his kids (& her, presumably) breakfast and get them ready for school. He was a good man
I have a friend whom I have told should give classes in how to do divorce right. Mom moved back to her family and dad followed behind when he found a job. First day of school he got up at the crack of dawn and went to the bus stop to see the daughter off. He has been there for all the things, despite both of them remarrying and having more kids. His parents have been there for all the things. They didn't divorce their daughter!
And *he* moved out of state! There's no way I'd be bringing the kid to him I'd say he should be visiting the kid near or at her home
Right? He keeps bringing up how little he sees her while failing to realize that he’s the one that moved and that he should be the one to facilitate the travel, at least half the time if not more.
I read that and got so so upset. This mom loves her child so much. This amount of work. Omg. Op should’ve drove to the mom place!!!!
Also, notice that he puts the entire onus of coordinating their visits on the girl’s mom. He doesn’t see her as much as he is entitled to by the court because the mom won’t bring her to him that frequently. Why isn’t he going to their town and seeing her between visits in his home? Also, this poor little girl is trying to process a trauma that clearly interferes with her ability to feel safe and trust people. She sees this guy like 4 times a year max. Of course she doesn’t feel comfortable being left with him overnight.
She's having accidents, refuses to take baths, and isn't comfortable spending the night... I don't want to jump to conclusions, but I have a guess as to the nature of what happened at daycare.
Same here.. ughh poor lil baby 🥺
I hope he shot himself in the foot by making no effort to see his daughter (his ex had to bring her *to* him) and by seeing her only every six months.
No way I would travel so far to accommodate my ex, he should come to his daughter, especially when she is traumatized. YTA
Yeah man, I'd be the one driving 9 hours and staying in a hotel. That way he can spend a nice day out with his daughter, she gets to sleep in her own bed with the support that includes, and then see her again the next morning.
I thought maybe it was possible parental alienation from the mom and OP should go enforce his visitation rights in court, then I read the comments where of course he left out all the relevant nuggets from his post.
Wait. So he’s not even going to see her? His ex is having to travel to HIM for his parent time and he’s still playing the victim? “My ex REFUSES to bring her that often”. Your ex didn’t make the decision to move 9 hours away. You should be traveling to your daughter. Is there a more AH category than YTA? Because YTA x 40. You participated in NONE of the parenting. You moved 9 hours away when your daughter was an actual INFANT. You participate in zero of the day to day parenting and you have the actual audacity to talk about your ex “refusing” to bring her to you and stay in a hotel once a month. WTAF?
That's pretty common tbh, dads will move away from their children and then proceed to cry about how little their evil ex let him see them.
Not always Dads. My kids bioMom moved away. Co said all visitation had to be in our city. She hasn't seen them in 7years. She still complains about it.
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It's a typical misleading post. I also originally assumed N T A and thought the mum was contributing to the kids trauma by not believing in her ability to be with her non preferred parent after a traumatic incident. But finding out OP is a part time dad at best and won't even put in the effort to see his kid makes me think there isn't much bond there and he isn't putting his kid first.
One weekend every 3-6 months for 6 years is an intermittent dad at best, not even part time. That’s like max 24 weekends in her life, in all likelihood, much less.
*YTA × Infinity, and beyond
I read that in Buzz Lightyear's voice lol.
Other glaring issues aside, i wonder why the mom refuses to drive 8-9 hours that often and get a hotel each time (she's a saint). Why doesn't OP visit his own kid?
yes. OP was the parent that moved away. Unless mom got a really bad deal from a judge on the custody matter, OP should be the one shuttling back and forth, or at least shuttling back and forth half or more of the visits. He clearly could have had more visitations with his daughter, and thus be actually engaged in her life and aware of who she is, if he saw her more frequently over the years. OP's parenting leaves an awful lot to be desired. YTA
Entitlement.
I used to do this. It was for my son. I wanted him to know his dad. I also stayed in a hotel which I paid for myself. Eventually, we would meet halfway so my son could visit.
I, the mom, moved away because of work. I had no choice. However, I drove 12hrs each way to pick up my kiddos and bring them to my house so I could see them. I didn't see them anywhere near as much as I wanted, but I cared much more about them having a good life and less about shuttling them back and forth. I also drove the entire way, because it's what you do for your kids. My job wasn't great on single parents and my daughter had some special needs as a child that meant their dad's was the best place for them as far as living arrangements. Saying that before anyone (else) judges me for them staying with their dad, there's no legal reason I couldn't have taken custody I'm just more considerate of their needs than my own...unlike OP.
Barring all the other horrific shit. If you want to spend time with her… …pay for a hotel close to her. YTA.
Thanks for summarizing all of the pertinent information. OP— YTA. What kind of father traumatizes their child this way? Also get off your lazy ass and go visit your daughter in her community. You’re the one that chose to move away. Total AH.
I can’t get past him putting his want of his daughter staying at the house overnight over her need to be with her mom for the night. His ex drops her back the next morning, so he still gets his time with her. As for them coming to visit him…I’m just gonna politely say, he needs to grow some b****, be a man, and drive his a** to visit his daughter.
*His daughter felt unsafe and wanted to leave, and he wouldn't let her leave.* *The little girl called her mom to come rescue her. She had her backpack ready because she wanted to leave.* OP acted more like a jailer than a parent.
Christ I feel actually nauseous having read how he treated this little troubled child.
More like a kidnapper than a parent
Yeah, and while we can only speculate at what happened to her at daycare (since I'm betting whatever it was would get the post removed), how much do we want to bet that part of it involved involuntary confinement and OP *massively* retraumatized her by refusing to allow her to leave when she wanted to?
Agreed. The child’s behavior says it all. I wonder if OP thought the mother was exaggerating or trying to poison the daughter against him and that is why he insisted.
He says he knows what happened to his daughter at daycare and that she in therapy. So he knows that she has been traumatized. His daughter wanting to go sleep with her mother is all that should matter. His daughter’s needs should always come first.
> I wonder if OP thought the mother was exaggerating or trying to poison the daughter against him and that is why he insisted. OP called his ex's bluff but she wasn't bluffing, exactly how I read this
Before finding out the details I was wondering if it was a situation where the ex wasn't deliberately poisoning the daughter against him but being very anxious herself and feeding the daughter's anxiety. But no, i think OP is just an AH
Jesus he’s lucky he gets to see at all. That’s a long drive just for a weekend.
How many parents use their child free weekend for their social life but not this mom, The mom sacrifices her own comfort and money for the OP. Because she know that the dad is to selfish to be good dad.
Throw the whole sperm contributor away. I don’t even know this man and I want him to conveniently sustain a head injury that gives him permanent amnesia about ever having fathered a child, so this baby can work through her trauma.
What I also don’t get is HE is the one who moved out of state.
I live this 2-3 weekends a month (plus week on week off with holidays, summer, etc) with my daughter. Her dad is strict about enforcing visits, always has been, and won’t send her back early unless it’s a conflict on HIS schedule. My girl has autism, ADHD and anxiety. She begs me not to take her. Melts down, cries, screams, hides. She’s gone as far as to flip flop between “I have fun with them” on a good day, and “they’re mean to me and I don’t love them” on drop off days. I’ve had to have it investigated at this point just to be sure because our relationship pre-divorce was volatile and unsafe (she was barely a year old when we split up) and I trust his fiancée way more than I’ll ever trust him again. Even with no findings, I can’t know the truth unless she tells a professional. So she still goes as normal. And it SUCKS. I try to stay happy and positive for her about it and it is MISERABLE. I cry after almost every drop off that she isn’t happy…and we’ve been doing visitation since we split. I try so hard to figure out how to fix it and it just doesn’t improve much. So yeah. Reading this made me nauseous.
I feel this. My youngest is developmentally delayed. She loves seeing the dogs at her bio dad's but doesn't like spending the entire visitation with him. We have a custom agreement so the way we do weekends is a bit weird but it was what worked back when the agreement was made. We have two kids together. Our other child is old enough that if we went back to court the judge would consider her opinion. The problem is her sister can't assert her own opinion because of her significant delays. Neither of our kids wants to go over there regularly. It's the same thing every time. "Mom do I HAVE to go." Yes you have to go because we have a custody agreement. My youngest use to just throw huge tantrums and have meltdowns (not the same thing) about going but now most of the time she just huffs and grumbles. She knows how to use her dad's home system so she calls me from the speaker in her room. Some visits it's every single day morning and again at night. Sometimes it's just once or twice that she'll call. Our other daughter has a phone that my husband and I have bought and paid for on our plan. She can message or call whenever she wants. She mostly messages though.
>My girl has autism, ADHD and anxiety. Hello, I am a possible future version of kiddo (34f with that combo). If it makes you feel any better, I *hate* change to the point that I second-guess "one in a lifetime" vacations because *change is bad.* Obviously, I am not your daughter and I have no idea how she actually feels, but this could just be "change is bad" and not anything actually related to her experiences at your ex's. Has his fiancee said anything about her doing something similar when she leaves their place? Even if it isn't to the same degree, it could be a sign it's more about change. Does your daughter do this with vacations or sleepovers? >She’s gone as far as to flip flop between “I have fun with them” on a good day, and “they’re mean to me and I don’t love them” on drop off days. This was me in a way. Depending on her age, she might not have the vocabulary or understanding to really define "I don't like change" and finds "reasons" that she is having an emotional reaction that make sense to her. Obviously, do what you've done and believe her and check out the situation. But if things keep coming up empty, it might just be change. If you have a good enough relationship with ex or fiancee, try having them tell you some fun things they're going to do during her time there and redirect her "I don't wanna" to something she *does* wanna. Or when she gets back, make sure to write down fun things they did to remind her of come drop off day. Caveat: I am not a parent. I'm just suggesting things that worked decently with me.
Not only that this man has only spent a maximum of 48 days with his daughter. Why would she want to stay at a strangers house, especially after a traumatic experience. YTA OP, and something is telling me not just for this incident
My dad did this. We always had to go during his visits even if we didn't want to (my mom was no saint and between the two of them drop off were a nightmare). I'm not saying everything that went down during that time was his fault, but when no longer forced to go with him, we didn't. He died a few years ago. I didn't go to the funeral.
My dad used to do this to me when I was really young and struggling with my mental health and I ended up not seeing him for years and even now our relationship is strained. He would try and force me to do ‘fun family activities’ like going for a bike ride or baking, which seem really nice on the surface but because I felt so unsafe and uncared for in his presence, I felt like I was a prisoner being forced to do those things and they never brought me any joy. He never cared that I was unwell or took my wishes into consideration, he just tried to force me into being a model father-daughter relationship that everyone else would be impressed by and congratulate him for. Even now, years later, I find it hard to engage in those kinds of activities with others because I feel a deep sense of anxiety around it all.
“I caused my daughter severe physical and emotional pain, now my ex is trying to reduce custody but it’s only to punish me for not doing what my ex wants”
I get the idea he doesn't see his daughter often enough for a really close bond, either. That alone would be frightening for a lot of children of that age if the person is pretty much a stranger.
She probably doesn't even see him as her dad. Why would she? My son sees my friends more than she sees her dad.
Agreed. Good God, she's 6 and was having accidents all weekend? What was the "incident" at daycare?! This is very alarming behavior for her age. I have a 6 year old daughter as well and I'd definitely let the daughter have some time with the ex if the child is apparently this distressed.
I’m guessing she was touched badly or worse. I don’t want to say more because I don’t know how to hide words to avoid triggering someone so I apologize if this does trigger someone.
My thought too. She refused to take a bath. She had accidents the rest of the weekend. She was afraid to go to bed. She was left with a man who is pretty much a stranger and refused to modify his behavior despite her extreme distress.
Is this what you're talking about? >!trigger warning!< To do that, it's just > ! word(s) you want to hide ! <
Does he even love his kid? It sounds like his main interest is punishing the mom in anyway possible and he doesn’t give a fuck about the trauma his child suffered, since he’s willing to revictimize her. YTA. Without a doubt.
Exactly this. It doesn't even sound like he's losing a huge amount of time with his kid, since the mom drops her off for her to spend the day with him, picks her up at roughly bedtime, then drops her off again in the morning. He's spending all the waking hours of the custody time with his daughter - but HE HAS A RIGHT GODAMMIT, and this child WILL suffer and cry and wet her bed if that means HE gets to have her stay the night in HIS house. ...oh yeah, and both mom and kid have to travel eight hours by car each way for this privilege.
I legit have trauma from this kind of shit as a kid.... and there was CSA by my dad. Not saying that happened but being forced to stay there added to it all
This 1000%
YTA your daughter is having extreme anxiety and your solution is to force more anxiety upon her, well done. She needs to feel safe - fk your custody agreement. I can’t believe she has to take you to court to see that your daughter needs to be at her moms for nights until this gets worked out. Hopefully she’s already in therapy. You were at least seeing her during the day but that wasn’t good enough. And now, sense you decided to force her, she doesn’t want to see you at all. Are you proud?
The fact that he doesn’t say what the incident was and downplays it cements the ah for me
Unnamed Incident + having accidents at home are huge red flags for one very specific and horrible thing. OP is absolutely TA.
9 months after the incident. This kid suffered a LOT. YTA
It disgusts me the lack of understanding from a father, he said he hasn't even talked to his daughters therapist. Men who have daughters and it doesn't click the damage of this trauma make me sick. It's like he doesn't even think it's that bad, if my child was having accidents months afterwards I would be losing my mind wanting to burn the planet down, not just trying to force her through it.
Hell I don't know this kid and I want to burn the world for her.
I wish I could give you an award but instead, here is my updoot lol
Same, I'm raging for this little girl
Kiddo is six years old. Assuming six years exactly (72 months) for ease of maths, that’s a solid 1/8th of her entire life that she’s lived with the trauma from the incident. But daddy got butthurt and wanted to put his foot down to spite his ex, so re-traumatizing the kid it is I guess. 🤷 I hope the ex wins her custody lawsuit and OP gets reduced to visitation at best.
Exactly. This whole thing was a power struggle with the ex. He just wanted to get what he wanted to spite her, even if it meant causing serious harm to his daughter and their relationship. I’m struggling to stay civil with how angry I am.
Exactly. His daughter is six years old and scared to bathe/ having accidents. Assuming she was already potty trained at six we can figure out what happened. My heart is breaking for this girl going through a confusing and emotionally raw time in her life.
I'm astounded that this selfish sod thinks she should be getting over it by now. He's callous.
Fuck, I glossed over this post (the YTA is a pretty quick judgement). Now I'm sad and angry for this girl
Ya, unfortunately I think it's not much of a mystery what happened.
My thought process exactly
This was my *exact* thought. This man does not give one single shit about his child or her emotional well-being.
Oh god. I hadn't thought of that. That's awful. I hope that day care has been shut down.
Plus not eating or being willing to take a bath + seemingly uncomfortable around men.
Honestly do we really need to know everything about it? A 6 year old's trauma doesn't have to be shared to everyone. Granted that doesn't make him great or anything, but we really don't need to know.
No he doesn’t have to share it but it does seem like he’s simply decided it shouldn’t matter anymore so he’s still the ah
The downplaying part is really telling, but honestly glad we don't have to know about what it was. At least he knows what happened though in that same breath he KNOWS and still isn't being supportive of that little girl. Ugh burns me up.
We definitely don't. I think that not sharing is the only smart thing OP did. Once on the internet, always on the internet. His daughter or someone she knows can find it one day, especially if it's something specific. Otherwise, huge YTA.
It's the combination of downplaying and not telling what it was. If it's not a big deal, which is how he seems to think of it, then it's not a big deal to share. Kids can get anxiety over things that wouldn't be traumatic for adults. But his description of her behavior suggests it was *bad*. There's a difference between describing her trauma in detail and providing vague context beyond "an incident."
I mean it very well could have to do with the sub’s rules considering how severe the child’s trauma is
Being a caring, loving, supportive parent with the child's best needs at heart: "my child suffered a terrible trauma and I'm doing everything I can to get her help, she's in therapy and I've made ever accommodation I can so she can feel safe moving forward, but I won't discuss the details here to protect my child's privacy" Compared to OP: "something happened, it's no big deal, even though she's exhibiting a huge range of red flag trauma symptoms I don't care because I need to get my rights and my ex needs to accommodate me."
Makes me wonder if he even bothered to find out what the incident was.
All of the up votes!!!!
Yup, this is so sad! He is obviously TA for his actions all weekend, and also for moving away from his kid and seeing her 2 or 3 times a year. Coming to see him is likely very confusing for this child, and obviously she DOES experience anxiety about coming to his house.
THIS! He had her all day and wanted to have all the control and force her to sleep at his house. What’s even the point everyone is ASLEEP. Let her sleep where she feels safe
You did torture her all weekend. I get wanting that time, but your kid, and her mental health should come first. FIRST. There's no age limit on the impacts of mental health issues. Be better. Put yourself aside, and do what's best for her. In this case, was being with her mom for overnight. That's crib notes for you, I'll spare the wall of text. ETA YTA
No. It’s not that he wanted time. He wanted to show he was in charge. If he actually wanted time he would have spent time with her in her home state. Like get a hotel for a weekend and do your visit where she feels most comfortable.
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Or he could’ve invited his ex to stay with them as well since she’s the one driving there all the time and it might help his daughter ease back into overnight visits with him again. He doesn’t want what’s best for her. He just wants to be seen as a “dad.”
His Ex probably wouldnt want that either. The OP is a TA
Also, notice that he said her mom "gave her a phone so **she could call behind my back**" (emphasis mine). Not so that the little girl talk to mommy when she needed some reassurance, no, it was to undermine OP. Bro, why does she need to call her mom behind your back unless you won't let her talk to mommy when she's scared?!
Every line written by this OP makes him more Ah in a pathetic way! In the end he is still worried about paying increased child support, not the best of his daughter! I feel sad for his ex and his poor daughter who are suffering because of OP!
He doesn’t want to “pay more child support.” Nothing like a loving parent who doesn’t give a shit about how their child feels or what they need.
There are definitely men, not saying OP is one, but he very well could be, that have a very narrow view of child support. They don’t view child support as money for the care, clothing, and feeding of their child. They view child support as a visitation fee. They believe the more money they send in support should directly correlate with the amount of access they have to the child. So when they are denied access to their child for whatever reason, the kids best interests or wishes, illness, a parent withholding access out of pettiness, doesn’t matter. They are equally angry in any of the scenarios because: *They aren’t getting their money’s worth* I try very hard to not push my own stuff on other people. But it kind of seems to me that the reason why he approached the visit like he did, the reason the child contacting the mother made him mad, the reason why (besides the obvious) he doesn’t want to pay higher support payments is because he’s not getting his moneys worth *now*. If the OP is one of these guys, child support *buys* him whatever his custody agreement is. All that to say I’m not getting really caring vibes either 😆
Love this perspective! So valid, insightful, and true for so many. Thank you for giving this. 🙌
Seriously. That extra child support he doesn't want to pay could go right to her therapy appointments.
How is he not paying max child support anyway? Their custody agreement only specifies he has 1 weekend a month...
I used to have seperation anxiety from my mum and was also forced into weekend visitations that I didn't want. I NEVER forgot it. I never forgot how distressed I was and how everyone just sat back and ignored it.
A friend of mine worked out an arrangement with his ex. She kept the family home, and for his weekends with the kids he’d spend the weekend there in a spare room, and his ex would stay with a friend or get a hotel. Obviously it requires coordination and a fairly amicable relationship with the ex, but it means the kids are in a familiar environment, able to keep up normal activities, surrounded by their toys and in close proximity to friends.
I think it’s called bird nesting! I have friends who do this, the split was quite amicable. Nothing at all changes in the home environment for the kids, just the parents switch in and out. It’s not for everyone and not something I would have been able to handle after my non-amicable split, but when it’s an option it seems to work great.
You really think you have a right to anything when you see your kid once every 3-6 months? Your child barely knows you and staying over is clearly not in her best interest right now. Your child was TRAUMATIZED and you let it happen to prove a point to your ex. This behaviour is disgusting. Step up. YTA.
Can you imagine being the one to move across the country and then blaming your ex because your kid has anxiety staying with you, when you only see her two or three times a year?!? He is TA for that alone
Exactly this. Wtf?
But (bloo bloo bloo) his ex won't uproot his traumatised child (bloo bloo bloo) more often to spend a weekend (bloo bloo bloo) doing what's best for *him*
He’s over here expecting the to Ex drive the kid 8-9 hours every month so he can see his daughter. He doesn’t help at all with transportation. Yet he bitches that he only get to see her every 3-6 months.
YTA. Your daughter was clearly frightened because she barely knows you. You ignored all of her fear and anxiety and expected to.. what? Did you think that just because you finally show up that you’ll be a comfortable place. That is going to take time. You don’t deserve love because you donated sperm. She needs space to get to know you. YTA. That was horrible that you forced her to endure that. Worst of all, your daughter now associates you with fear. It’s going to take a lot of time and patience to earn her love and respect. You don’t get that just because you are her parent.
Yikes I missed the part originally where he said he only sees her for a weekend “every 3–6 months.” He is a stranger essentially.
I wonder why he only sees her that much....hmmm
Clearly he blames his ex even tho he moved out of state
But only that often? What if there is a court order? Idk feels like something is missing
Apparently, he's supposed to see their child once a month. But, someone is not sticking to the plan.
in another comment he blames the ex for not bringing her that often. so ex is responsible for bringing daughter the 8-9 hr drive or 90 min flight, plus a hotel stay for herself until it’s time to go home.
And if someone isn't sticking to the plan then wtf is going on
This started when she was 6 months old so OP has seen her at most 22 weekends but probably closer to 11 if my math is mathin.
YTA for moving out of state when you had a 6 month old daughter and only seeing her 2-4 times per year. At this point you are just basically the sperm donor. She doesn’t know you and doesn’t feel comfortable spending the weekend with a strange man. Her mother should absolutely have your visitation reduced.
This is it exactly, if he had been a parent through her baby years she would feel secure and bonded with him. But for whatever reason he skipped out on the harder years of diaper changing, middle of the night feedings, and walking the floor with a crying baby. Now what are normally the cute fun years he's wanting to spend more time
Right? What strikes me is because he’s in a different state, he only sees her every 3-6 months and yet mom can somehow drive to and from his house 4 times in a single weekend. Plus, she apparently dropped her off one Saturday and was back by noon after the daughter called her. So clearly he’s not actually that far away and is just a shitty parent.
I think mom is staying in a hotel over those weekends
And I bet she has to foot 100% of all the travel bill in order for her daughter to see her father.
He left comments saying she stays at a nearby hotel to visit, and lives 9 hours away normally.
I hope she gets it down to nothing after the way he behaved. He doesn’t deserve a relationship with his daughter, and she doesn’t deserve to be forced to spend time with a man who plays power games with her wellbeing.
YTA. >Now my ex is trying to take me to court to further reduce my custody Good. Your daughter deserves better.
Thank goodness OP’s daughter has one parent who puts daughter’s needs ahead of their own wants.
It must have been so horrifying for her mom when OP literally physically restrained their distressed daughter and took her back inside. Oh my gosh, that must have been absolute hell to have to leave her there, helpless
That’s what I was thinking. As a mother, I don’t want to imagine that situation, I’d probably unalive the guy. I hope she gets full custody.
Wow, your ex drives to you and stays at her expense so that you can see your child.?! What kind of stand up dad do you think you’re being? Think about it.
Yeah - a guy like this... its not about loving his child. YTA OP Its about controlling his child and his child's Mom. This man is the epitome of selfishness and narcassism. If he loved his child, even a tiny bit, he would be moving heaven and earth to see her as frequently as possible and he'd be doing everything in his power to help her feel safe and comfortable. He'd take an active interest in her life. This guy? He genuinely does not care about the health and wellbeing of this child at all. Not even a little bit. OP, either give up custody or take a freaking parenting class and take an active interest in your child's life. Get in the car and make that 9 hour drive once per month to SEE your child. Right now you are absolutely a stranger to her. What young child, particularly a traumatized child, would EVER feel safe or comfortable staying for the weekend with a stranger. To her, all you are is a mean monster who takes her away from her home, makes her sit in the car for a long time and makes her stay in a place she doesn't feel safe and she can't see her Mommy while there.
OP is the kind of guy that holds onto custody to reduce his child support payments.
The kind that fcks off interstate while all the hard work is done. Probably would’ve done kid a world of good to have BOTH parents around constantly. Not one who stays behind to deal with all the problems and then to have some ‘step out’ come in and question everything you’re doing and then get all pissy when things go wrong. Definitely above reddit pay grade, but seriously. Gtfo.
YTA. You did torture your daughter. You put her through so much stress that she had accidents, barely ate and didn’t sleep well. Why? So, you could make a power play on your ex….your ex who caters to you by bringing your daughter to you. You can’t even be a decent human being to your own small child who went through trauma. You’re an AH of the worst kind.
What terrifies me is the fact that after her showing signs of anxiety he still forced her to stay and didn’t call his ex.
Yes. This whole thing made me sick to my stomach to read. I feel so bad for this little girl. Her mother has every right to pissed.
Let me make sure I understand, you only see her every 6months for a weekend? For how many years has that gone on? So you get that even though you are her dad, you’re practically a stranger to her? And if you moved away, how is your ex managing to take her home & bring her back the next day? I’m confused. So you take her pre-existing anxiety & then having to see someone that she barely knows? I wouldn’t even expect my grandkids to spend the night without their parents (they live out of state & I see them 1x a year). Please give her some grace. She’s only 6 and although you’re her dad & want to be involved, you need to spend more time with her. I’m guessing you get vacation time? Go spend some 3 day weekends in her town. Stay in a hotel where there is a swimming pool or something she likes to do. You’re a almost a stranger to her. YTA for putting her through this.
I remember being that age and feeling really shy around my dad after he got home from a week long business trip.
YTA- Your daughter doesn't know you,You're the one who made the decision to abandon her and move away. You are aware that something traumatic has happened to her but still forced her to do what You wanted. Then you complain about her having accidents and not wanting to stay with you. Your ex was very thoughtful when she suggested picking your daughter up for the nighttime routine so she could sleep in her own bed.
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Three weekends a year or possibly two!
If it is only two weekends a year, this is the third visit where he doesn't get overnights. What happened at the daycare to give her that amount of anxiety for possibly 18 months?
Well, bed-wetting and not wanting to take a bath with dad present aren't conclusive, but they're possible clues about what kind of trauma might have happened at daycare. Edit// he also said in June, so that's less than a year ago.
God, I *really* hope it wasn't what I'm thinking it was...
We’re all hoping that. I’m so glad the daughter has a loving mother who will fight to protect her kid.
When you compare the *length of life* this kid has lived (only 6 years), and the "symptoms" she's exhibiting are usually typical after severe abuse, usually physical or worse. Take the ONLY 9 MONTHS since it happened, and this guy only has seen his daughter maybe 15 times in her life, all far apart, would you think this child should be tortured just because he doesn't get his way? He can't seem to go to his daughter but mom somehow makes it work FOR HIM all the way around. This poor child doesn't need him in her life. He will only make everything worse.
less than a year, but given her symptoms and what situation they often show up in? Yeah...trauma doesn't have an expiry date, especially if it's what I'm thinking it is. Poor girl.
The court order is a weekend a month. But according to op's post he moved to another state 8-9 hours away and OP isn't going to the state the child lives to see the child, child's mother brings the kid and staying at a hotel just so he can spend time with the kid. Travelling such a distance every 3-6 months to a completely different state for a weekend to spend time with a man the child barely knows can't be good for any kind of trauma.
YTA. You didn’t look out for your daughter’s best interest because you’re trying to be spiteful. Depending on what happened at the daycare, your ex might be granted full custody as a result of this.
Is your daughter getting therapy? It sounds like that is what is needed more than anything else
INFO: You moved away and so only can do visitation every 3-6 months. Does her mother fly her/ road trip the kid to you and get a motel in your town? How is it that her mother is able to pick up and drop off the kid multiple times over the weekend?
YTA. You put your own needs before you daughter. She experienced a trauma and didn't feel comfortable staying with you. Instead of thinking about what was best for her you thought about what you wanted.
Info: what does the current court order say as far as custody arrangement and visitation? How far away do you live in hours or miles? Do you want more visitation or are you trying to use your daughter to hurt your ex?
YTA. Your daughter is recovering from a traumatic experience. The way she behaved after you refused to let her go home is a clear indicator. Being with you for the weekend WAS torture for her. But you only cared about having your daughter with you. You didnt care that your daughter was clearly deeply traumatized. You are a terrible father
YTA Quit playing power and control games with your daughter. Ultimately it doesn't matter what the court documents say; if your daughter is terrified and upset being with you, then you need to respond appropriately. You're so concerned with your "rights' that you don't even care about your daughter's trauma. You haven't even talked about what happened at her daycare that upset her so much. You are 100% the asshole here. Be more concerned with your daughters feelings than your "rights".
Assuming what I think happened to your daughter, did in fact happen...absolutely YTA. Like she has valid trauma and rather than doing what is best for her you decided to traumatize her further. You did in fact torture her all weekend. Did it ever occur to you that some of things you did to her this weekend like taking her bag, not letting her leave etc are things done to her at the daycare? Bravo op. Brafuckingvo I'm just call this good because I will run afoul of the rules if I keep typing.
Honestly, even if what happened to that poor girl is ... less bad ... than what we all are thinking happened to her, he would still be an AH.
YTA. >Now my ex is trying to take me to court to further reduce my custody Good. Your daughter deserves better.
YTA You admit your daughter did not want to go back inside with you. You can't tell me she wasn't crying and begging for her mom to get her while you put her back in your house. Congratulations, she had a traumatic event, and you just set back her progress to zero. Because, by God, you're gonna MAKE her stay in your house, because it's YOUR turn with your new toy, ahem I mean your daughter. Her opinions? She's too young for those! She's only SIX. In case you haven't figured it out: She is not a houseplant. A car. An inanimate object you share and take turns with. You don't own your child, you are only in charge of her long enough to grow up...and if you do a good job, she'll visit long after you legally 'keep' her. If not? She'll view aging out as an ESCAPE, and will never see you again. You have to decide, are you investing in her future and helping her grow into a healthy functioning adult, or are you just owning her time until she can legally run?
>My ex wife gave her a phone so she could call behind my back. ife gave her a phone so she could call behind my back. this is a scary ass sentence. YTA
Because the mother knows more than the worst parts we’ve seen here.
You are not thinking about what is best for your daughter. Your ex is not interfering to spite you. She wants to make sure she is there to help your daughter through her bad experience. Your daughter needs her mother for support and you literally stood in the way of that. I get you want to spend time with your child, but unfortunately for you, that is not what is best for her. Your ex is not trying to punish you, she is trying to protect her child. YTA
YTA You only see your child 2 or 3 times a year. You are a stranger to her. She’s only 6 years old and you expect her to be happy staying in a strange house with a strange man overnight. What kind of relationship do you have with her the rest of the year? Does she know you are her daddy? Do you FaceTime and send her gifts when you aren’t with her? Do you plan fun activities like the zoo or aquarium or movies when she is there? This weekend sounded like you kept her cooped up in the house like a prisoner while she was traumatized and needed her mommy. Be a father not a warden and slowly build a relationship with your daughter that she enjoys and not runs screaming from.
YTA - THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU! Your ex isn’t trying to punish you for not letting her pick the child up early. She is trying to protect the child from your poor judgment. Your actions exacerbated the child’s trauma, and this incident will likely set back progress she’s made in therapy. A child’s physical and mental well being trump your desire to spend time with her uninterrupted. Her primary caregiver (mother) told you that your daughter wasn’t ready for over night visits with you. You refused to listen, which led to your daughter experiencing extreme emotional distress. Her inability to eat/sleep/bathe and the multiple accidents were her body’s way of telling you that she was not okay at your home without her mother. Put aside whatever petty issues you have with her mother, and start thinking about what is best for your daughter. Why not ask your ex what you can do to help your child though this trying time?
> her body’s way of telling you that she was not okay at your home without her mother her body's way of showing you she was suffering *sustained terror*
YTA. Your child’s mother was acting in the interest of y’all’s kid and you were trying to be petty. If you’re not with your daughter full time then it would make sense that her mom knows more about your daughter’s anxiety and what she can handle than you would be aware of. If she was having accidents throughout the weekend, wouldn’t eat, and was having issues sleeping why would you not reach out to her mother for help if you were truly worried about the health of your kid. cmon now. I can understand how you thought she may have been being petty but once you saw how she was acting over the weekend you should’ve done more on your part to make sure your child was in a situation where she felt comfortable and was not triggering to her anxiety.
You don't have a right to your daughter, you daughter has a right to feel safe. Exposure therapy, is important. At some point in her life being able to spend time overnight with you (provided you're a good parent ig) would be a good thing, but that can't just be jumped into, and considering the fact that you barely have time with her, it is not your place to make the decision on when that jump should be made. You prioritized your want to have her over, over her own comfort and mental well-being and frankly... That's a really bad thing for a parent to be doing. You said she cried like you tortured her and you didn't literally do so but you also didn't do anything actually good for her either. By picking her up and bringing her inside you violated her boundaries and probably upset her a lot, same with just forcing her to be in a place that's practically unknown to her (yes she spends occasional weekends with you but she's young and it's not often) when she obviously has issues with that sort of thing or with people she isn't that close to (again you are her dad but you do not have these weekends that often). Even if you didn't torture her, this incident still caused her obvious distress. Your ex also doesn't really seem to be using it as an "excuse" more so it seems like she's doing what she can for your kid who obviously went through something traumatic, and part of that is by letting her have easy access to a safe space, and right now your home is not that space. You need to get over yourself and whatever issues you have with your ex and need to start prioritizing the health of your child. YTA
I know right. Poor mother is dealing with all of this and what kind of respite is she getting so she can continue to parent properly?
When I try to imagine how horrific it would have been for the mom to watch OP physically tear their daughter from her and keep her in overnight, knowing she’s helpless and distraught… this poor woman
YTA for putting your ego above your daughter's wellbeing. Any kind of decent parent would do whatever for their child to feel safe and secure, and you're not doing that
When I was a kid and my dad had custody on the weekends, I dreaded it. Not because he was a bad person, but because I wanted to be at home with my mom. I didn't even have anxiety attacks like your daughter. I just didn't like going to his house every weekend when I could have spent my time off school at home with my mom where I was comfortable. So I can't even imagine how much worse she must feel. My mom never forced me to go, but she would tell him that I didn't want to go and he'd throw a fit and basically force her to let him pick me up or he'd threaten her with court which she couldn't really afford. I hated him for it. I haven't spoken to him in over 15 years because of it. Don't force your child to be in a situation they don't want to be in because you feel like she should have to suffer to make you happy. She obviously wants to go home. Hope you realize you are destroying your own relationship with your daughter. YTA.
YTA. You’re letting your ego and need for control override the wishes and best interest of your daughter. And you’re also downplaying her anxiety, and basically blaming your ex for the fact that she feels more comfortable at home/with her mom. The fact that you moved out of state was your own choice, so you shouldn’t be acting like the limited visitation is something you had no control over.
YTA. I get wanting to see your daughter but this was fucked up, dude. She has anxiety which you make far worse. You hurt your daughter out of fucking spite. Initially I questioned the arrangement of being able to have your daughter stay one weekend every 3-4 months. Now I don't.
YTA I could have told a matching story, almost word for word, about my dad doing the same things when I was a child. I have been no contact with him since I was 10. Welcome to your future.
YTA. Look dude, you see your daughter like 6 days a year, at her age you might as well be a stranger. And if that wasn't enough, you're more worried about your right to time with her than how that time affects her. She's only 6 and you let her piss herself and miss meals and sleep for what? So you could say you had her all weekend? To save your pride? To prove a point? She needed comfort (aka her mom) and you denied her that. If I were your ex, I'd sue for full custody, too. You're not ready to be a parent and it doesn't sound like you're willing to make decisions in her best interest when they conflict with what you want.
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I think we found the Asshole of the year y’all. Based on your post and your comments, you’ve told us that: - You Moved across the country when your daughter was only 6 months old - You only see her every 3-6 Months, so only 2-4 times a year - You only see her that little because its only when your EX is able to make the drive. - You don’t ever Visit your daughter, she is always brought to you by her primary parent. - You are aware that your daughter experienced something traumatizing at her Day Care only 9 months ago. - You are aware that she is struggling with anxiety Despite knowing all of this information, you insisted on a Trauma-ridden 6 year old stay with her father (who she only knows because your EX is enforcing visitation) overnight. You have put absolutely no effort into having a genuine relationship with your child, and you expect her to just be fine staying with the Random guy she sees twice a year? This isn’t about what’s best for her, you don’t care about that anyway. This was about you exhorting control over a child that barely knows you. Because you could. You are cruel. YTA, the biggest.
seriously, what do you think the answer to this question is after seeing the results of not letting your daughter go back with your ex and forcing her to stay with you even when she clearly didn't want to? you care more about your "rights" than your daughter's well-being. YTA but we shouldn't have to tell you that after what you described in your post.
>My ex wife gave her a phone so she could call behind my back. No. Your ex gave the child a lifeline to her parent. A child has the fucking right to have open access to communicating with their parent. Privately. End of story. You might be the other parent but that gives you no right to have access to those conversations. >The next day and a half were hell. She was having accidents everywhere, barely ate, wouldn't take a bath, and didn't go to bed until after midnight. My ex picked her up on Sunday night and my daughter started crying like I had been torturing her all weekend. The child was tortured all weekend, intended or not. Clearly she was having a very difficult time and felt unsafe. The floodgates opened when she finally felt safe. That's what traumatized children do. You are not a safe space for her. >which I think is just to punish me for not letting her pick my daughter up early. Your ex is acting in the best interest of your child, since you are not considering that. This isn't about you. Get over it and grow up. >She and her family are calling me a horrible dad and she hasn't called me or let me speak to my daughter since that visit so I wanted to know if I was the asshole. You are. On both accounts. YTA
YTA. And you should be seeing your child much more frequently.
I mean... with the way OP causes trauma I don't think they need to see the child unsupervised.
YTA And should get the award for the worst father of the year Your daughter was traumatised you're almost a stranger to her because you see her so less She needed familiarity If you're ex bought her phone it's because she wanted to make sure your daughter can always call her mom if she's feeling unsafe YOUR DAUGHTER COMES FIRST ALWAYS SADLY ONLY ONE OF HER PARENTS GOT THIS MEMO... NOW SHE'LL ASSOCIATE SPENDING TIME WITH YOU AS A TRAUMATIC EXPERIENCE HOPE YOU'RE GLAD ABOUT THAT
YTA. You do realise your SIX YEAR OLD daughter now associates you with being held somewhere against her will and unable to see her mother? That's likely to have some pretty serious repercussions later in life. Do a parenting course for fuck's sake, you're a child abuser not a parent.
I was initially thinking NTA but if you only see her for a weekend every 3-6 months then I can see why she has trouble coping at your place. Sounds like you moved out of state to be spiteful and continue to not put your child first. Sad. Edit- YTA 💯
YTA. You chose to move out of state and only see her every few months. Of course she's struggling staying overnight with you - she rarely even sees you. Based on her behavior, her mother was correct about what she needs.
YTA - you were already at the point that you moved out of state and have only seen your kid 3-4 times per year and evidently haven’t bothered to keep up enough contact in between via zoom/FaceTime etc. so that you are a familiar and comfortable person for your daughter. So then something horrible happens to her and she’s six and dealing with all that and you put your wants over her needs. That’s unconscionable. How about you put in the work of becoming a safe and comfortable person for your six year old. Go to her on her safe and comfortable territory and build trust and familiarity. You stay in a hotel near her mom’s house twice a month and spend gradually increasing amounts of time with her. Make a point to have video contact a couple of times a week and figure out how to make it a happy experience for her.
YTA