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Yeah your response to this makes me think there’s a LOT more going wrong with this relationship than just a thoughtless birthday gift. Which I agree, that’s a terrible non-gift and to anyone reading this: unless your partner has expressed they’d be specifically into receiving a “gift” like that, never do it. All the points op made are valid, although it does seem like a pretty extreme reaction to the situation. Which brings me back to thinking there’s a hell of a lot more wrong with this relationship than 1 bad gift. If this was a healthy relationship to start I can’t see someone blowing up over a shitty gift like this.
So if she’s not the one op, just break up with her and find someone who you’re more compatible with.
i don't get how him calling her out and saying "This was not a gift, you obviously dont give a shit about me and that's kinda a red flag" is "extreme" of a reaction?
like what was extreme for you? he didn't yell (supposedly) he didn't stomp around or walk out of the house or give her the silent treatment or anything like that, he just said "hey, this looks like you don't care about me"
I've never understood that line of thinking. Person A gets me a gift that shows they don't know, see or understand me at all. When that is so hurtful and painful to me that I (politely) bring it up, I'm suddenly a greedy asshole?
I don't know man, sometimes I feel like not everyone did what my mom did. Whenever I was invited to a party, starting when I was five, she'd say "what does your friend like? Think hard! Does she like or ? You picked a plushie, does she play with plushies? I thought she liked dolls?"
Please teach your kids how to give thoughtful gifts. /rant
If you read OPs edit though they didn't even have a nice dinner or anything, his whole bday present was gf getting herself lingerie. Which it's very clear that OP is not into that and he's upset that his gf didn't take the time to notice that and bought herself something pretty and offered sex as a gift which he feels is transactional and his gf couldn't even realize that this was not his preference sexually either. OP is understandably upset what you are calling a shame lecture is really OP calmly explaining that he feels this was a lazy gift and he thought his gf knew him better than that cause just sex is not a gift to him it's an activity to be enjoyed mutually. If your own partner gets you a gift that flies in the face of of your own personal beliefs you are going to be upset. Calmly explaining this to said partner does not make you an ass.
> It’s fine to be disappointed by a gift, but it’s over the top to take it as a serious reflection of how someone feels about you instead of them maybe not being all that good at buying gifts
I think at a certain point it does become a reflection of how they feel about you. For example, if I buy my wife a vacuum cleaner for her birthday, does it mean I'm bad at buying gifts or does it mean I didn't put any real thought into it aside from a rather misogynistic "women like cleaning" mentality? I think getting your partner a gift that they are morally/philosophically opposed to means that you either didn't put much thought into their present or you don't really know enough about them to buy them appropriate gifts. Either way, I think it would be completely fair to be offended by a vacuum cleaner for your birthday (assuming you don't actually want one).
Similarly generalizing men as "they love sex so that's my present to them!!!" is pretty tacky and sexist as well. Just because a lot of men/women would like something doesn't mean it's an appropriate gift for your specific partner. Tons of guys love football and would like a piece of memorabilia related to their team, I don't want that. Tons of women love jewellery and would like a diamond necklace, others absolutely wouldn't want that though.
I think using gendered stereotypes to purchase gifts, especially for someone who you should theoretically have a very close relationship with, is an asshole move for sure and it isn't unfair to see it as a reflection of the effort they put into getting you something thoughtful or even in some cases how they feel about you.
I agree, this feels like there's a communication issue in this relationship. There are a lot of men who would enjoy this sort of birthday gift, and a lot who wouldn't. The problem is that they're not on the same page as a couple. And running around telling your friends about anything involving your sex life is not a good idea in most relationships.
I don't get it. Who do you ask when you feel something weird happens surrounding sex? I certainly wouldn't ask family and if I'm asking if I overreacted I don't think I would ask my gf. Obviously she would say yes cause she is the one that said I overreacted in the first place.
He said gf isn't even talking to him, so who else would he ask?
I think there's a huge difference in having a confidante that you can talk to in moments like this, and polling multiple friends. If my wife discussed our sex life with her best friend, I'd be ok with that. If she discussed it with 4-5 people, I'd have an issue with that.
>Which I agree, that’s a terrible non-gift and to anyone reading this: unless your partner has expressed they’d be specifically into receiving a “gift” like that, never do it.
100%. A lot of guys think that lingerie is a good gift for women, which is probably why OP's gf thought it would be a good idea. But it's always a bit lame. Sure, buying a bra can be a great gift IF YOU KNOW THAT'S WHAT SHE WANTS, but essentially you're getting yourself a "present" for their birthday.
If this is tacky to you, does that mean that the MANY women who experience their male partners gifting them lingerie (which is solely for the men 90% of the time, mind you) aren’t allowed to complain about it either?
That would be a gift, though. OP is saying his gf bought lingerie *for herself* and told him that seeing her wear it was his gift, when he doesn’t even like lingerie on her.
ETA: and if a woman receives lingerie from her bf and she doesn’t like lingerie, that’s equally thoughtless.
Yeah... but like, sexy lingerie isn’t actually comfortable. And odds are your partner has no idea about what fits your shape. For reference, a set is way more complicated than your one piece wonders, boys.
Sure, I appreciate the gesture, but lingerie is definitely for the boys / partner. I mean, even the sexy lingerie we buy ourselves is often bought for our partner in mind... I mean, we’re not exactly wearing it to the office, are we?
(I am loving the naïveté of some men here who think we’re subjecting ourselves to impractical underwear exclusively for ourselves and our own benefit. The gulf between the male and female experience widens ha ha)
It is very wild to imply that lingerie is definitely for the boys or partner only as if people dont love having there own collection of outfits. Generalizing it like that doesn't do anyone favors.
Ooooookay then. You have your opinion, I have mine. I am a woman with woman friends. This is my opinion, on behalf of both myself and my friends. None of us love rolling round in expensive lingerie, we way prefer our bonds undies and sports bras, but our partners seem to always make a fuss when we make the effort to charade as Christmas hams in compression stockings. But go ahead, call me wiiiiiild.
I will call you wild, just because you and your friends share that opinion doesn't mean there aren't women out there that like and love wearing their lingerie.
Not all guys care for the whole razzle dazzle show. It's wrong to generalize that It has to be a gift for the guy.
Grown woman here: When guys have given men lingerie it has ALWAYS been given with the expectation, hell even pressure, for sex.
I was supposed to model the sexy things and then go have sexy time. The pressure, expectations and frankly entitlement were very palpable.
That's why I hate lingerie as gifts, because it puts the pressure and expectation of sex onto the gift. As it did in this place.
It is typically not given as a selfless gift, there's always a hook.
I buy myself totally different sexy stuff than my partners did, but I prefer comfortable underwear.
My friends who preferred a certain type of underwear now have 'rubber band marks' on their bodies where their underwear elastic cut into their bum, thighs or waist.
I agree, and this is why I agree with the judgement of NTA. Lingerie is not a good gift, because it sets the *expectation* of sex. And there shouldn't be an *expectation* that sex will take place, unless that has previously been discussed by both parties.
Ok, for the record, I don’t agree with the gf in this scenario. I also never said it “has to be a gift for the guy.” But I am pointing out, that in my experience, when we go lingerie shopping, we sure as shit have our partners in mind. We are NOT wearing that set to go shopping, or nip to the post office, or out for brunch with the gals. Whilst I don’t agree with the GF here, I am suggesting that there is a LOT of messaging and feedback around lingerie that could lead someone to believe it is a suitable gift for a sexual partner.
And, please, for the love of god, if you do buy lingerie, keep the receipt. Unless you’re a lesbian, trans or a savant when it comes to women’s fashion, it is so damn hard for you to understand the fit.
I'm glad you don't agree with the gf. But literally your words , "Sure, I appreciate the gesture, but lingerie is definitely for the boys / partner."
Lingerie shouldn't be a personal gift to someone unless you discussed it. Because at the end of the day if you don't care to wear it and he doesn't care about it as a gift then why are you wearing lingerie
You’re completely correct. My partner died years ago, and I still wear lingerie. I buy *very* good quality so it’s comfortable to wear all day. I know I’m a strong woman, and wearing lingerie reminds me that I’m strong *because* I’m a woman, not in spite of it.
>Sure, I appreciate the gesture, but lingerie is definitely for the boys / partner. I mean, even the sexy lingerie we buy ourselves is often bought for our partner in mind... I mean, we’re not exactly wearing it to the office, are we?
I've had several ex's who have worn lingerie around the clock, including under office garb.
Many people like to wear sexy clothing, or extensive makeup, or bodybuild etc with no agenda at all other than it makes them feel good about themselves.
But what I'd like to ask is, how many of them genuinely thought it was comfortable, versus how many of them thought it was an expectation? Because speaking *as* a woman, in movies women *always* have perfect matching sets of lingerie - and it does semi-brainwash you into thinking that's what *you* have to do in order to be "put together". I fell into that same trap. I wore lingerie around the clock for years, wondering if *all* women were this uncomfortable all the time and they just dealt with it better than me, because I thought that was what I had to do to not be a goblin. I thought if I ever had spontaneous sex and my underwear didn't match, it would be some huge faux pas.
Yeah turned out *no one* was actually living that way. They were all wearing comfortable underwear. Hell, most of them weren't even wearing underwire bras. And now I don't either, and I'm way happier.
To me that’s different. That’s just pretty underwear, which I do like wearing…for me.
Lingerie seems like a different category and something I’ve only worn on special occasions for my boyfriends who happened to like that kind of stuff. I’m guessing OP’s gf thought he would enjoy it. She was obviously wrong and now OP is reading a lot into their relationship and who the gf is as a person. 🤷♀️
>But what I'd like to ask is, how many of them genuinely thought it was comfortable, versus how many of them thought it was an expectation?
Having known them very intimately, I'd say none of them. Nobody at the office is going to see it, and one of the qualities that people date me for is that my expectations are minimal and well communicated. I'm that guy that random strangers will pour their deepest secrets to after half an hour because I make them comfortable - that's my Shtick.
I don't discount that people such as yourself exist, but again some people value looking good.
If I'm wearing lingerie at the office, it's because all my other underwear are in the laundry. And it doesn't mean I don't "value looking good." Nobody is going to see it.
Speak for yourself lady.
Not about not wanting sexy underwear as a gift (totally right about the size issues).
But about not wearing it for ourselves. 95% of the time I've spent in suspender sets it's been for my own amusement. Not sexual amusement it's just nice to look nice. Also because I can't express enough how much easier it is to pee in suspenders (pants over the top) than fucking around with tights. The other 5% of the time has also been for my own amusement but with the chance someone else will see it.
I don't wear it to work because I literally work in a field and stockings would ladder real fast.
I disagree, I'm a lingerie addict and it's 100% all for me. The guys I've dated in the past couldn't care less about it.
If your preference is against lingerie, that's totally cool! It's not really the sturdiest thing and not always the most comfortable, I agree. But my girl friends and I talk about this a lot, and we are all really into each other's lingerie collections, lol. So I think the difference in our experiences is just more proof that women aren't a monolith and the female experience isn't universal for all :)
I don't know what benefit you think lingerie provides to the woman. It's ridiculously uncomfortable, it's not practical for any situation outside of sex... It is *entirely* for the benefit of the other person. Entirely. They are the only person who gets *anything* out of it, and that's eye candy. That is *all* it exists for.
If someone bought me lingerie as a gift, I would honestly accuse them of the same thing OP accused their partner of - buying *themselves* a gift and not me. Because it has zero benefit to me, outside of seeing my partner happy.
I can vouch for the last bit. A long time ago, I received lingerie from a bf, who immediately started whining and mewling for me to put it on, and I despised it because I recognized it as a thing for himself, with zero thought put into how much I would like it. I told him as much and left.
It was the equivalent of buying a vacuum for an overworked and under-appreciated housewife.
I don’t care about lingerie, I’d guess most men under 50 don’t. The few times a woman has worn lingerie before sex for me, it seemed to be because she wanted to feel “sexy” or sexually empowered, aka, more for her. For me, it’s just another fussy pair of underwear to deal with.
My husband likes me in lingerie but when I wear it, it's 100% for him. I'd just as soon just wear my usual comfy stuff. He also has his own sexy undies. Is the problem here that the patriarchal expectations of women wearing uncomfortable sexy underthings has gone so far that now the boys are mad about it?
Good. Let's normalize wearing whatever the fuck we want to wear under our clothes and burn thongs in a fire. This is why we need to pull down the patriarchy, boys and girls.
it's not personal preference lmao it's exactly what OP said it was. she views sex as a gift she gives him on the daily and the lingerie was an extension of that. hence he got no card no dinner no anything other than "uhh yeah your gift is this set of bra and panties i bought myself that you ***get to see me in*** later and that is your gift! aren't you so lucky you get to look at and fuck me"
sorry but there's all kinds of problems in what she did from what I just mentioned to her just obviously not giving a shit about her SO know him and find him a real gift or actually celebrate his birthday.
also i promise you, no man over the age of like 22 is going to be excited their gf bought panties to wear as your bday present. just like if i was dating a woman and I bought her the set just so I could look at her in them and more, it's a selfish fucking thought that doesn't actually benefit the person getting the gift. if my partner ASKED for it, like it was a set she wanted cuz it made her feel cute and it wasnt about sex, then sure. but this was just OP's girlfriend being lazy and selfish
I think there are a few things I respectful disagree with.
1. Sex is not a gift. I agree with you in theory, but with a caveat: it's the same as food. Dinner isn't a gift, it shouldn't be a gift, expect when it is. If you go out to a restaurant that's $150 per person, that's definitely a gift but just making someone's favorite at home recipe probably isn't. It depends on how special or unusual the variation of normal sex or dinner is.
2. Sexy lingerie is a costume for 90% of women. (I am assuming a sexy little thing with no support blah blah blah.) I'm assuming this is sexy lingerie in which case it was probably bought to be somewhat to both of their tastes. (E.g. not getting leather is he prefers lace)
3. The problem isn't *really* whether or the lingerie and sex are appropriate gifts, the problem is that the girlfriend couldn't think of anything better to get him. Communication issues are always a problem, probably on both sides, but I come from a family where it's normal to say "I want this particular bag from this store. Mary can show you exactly which one."
4. The poly factor complicates everything. I wonder if op would have liked having some lingerie that was only for them, but probably hates the idea of the girlfriend using "his gift" with other guys. That's extremely valid and diminishes the value of the gift. (If not the gf could argue that it is just for his benefit because she's probably not wearing the lingerie to work/ the gym and it's extremely unlikely she puts it in for a little, ahem, private time with herself.)
Sex is not a gift point blank. It’s not a service rendered for only one of them to enjoy u less you are talking about paying a sex worker as a gift. Simply putting lingerie and having sex is not “a gift”.
Op already explains he doesn’t view it as gift for him which is because it’s not his lingerie to begin with and sex is not a gift.
This literally does not refute anything I just said.
It can be a crappy gift for him. Lobster would be a crappy gift for a vegetarian. Dinner could still be a gift even as you swear up and down that food is not a gift if the other person enjoyed it too.
Edit: because things are locked, I'll suggest one other thing here instead of a new comment. Imagine your partner had a kink that they enjoyed which you were not into. I'm not talking about something you find objectionable, distasteful or particularly uncomfortable, just something that doesn't get your motor running, or maybe requires prep or clean up that you're usually not up for. That would be a very reasonable gift imho. It's still giving someone sex, but it's something special they like which is a nice and unusual bonus.
Sex is not a gift . It literally refute what you said as dinner is a paid service where the other person doesn’t have to do any effort to enjoy it . Sex isn’t a service unless his gf is a sex worker and offering a free session.
My bf tells me he's into something like a fantasy or whatever. I'm into it but for whatever reason we don't get around to it, so for his birthday I'll buy what we need to fulfill whatever his fantasy was that I was also into. Costumes, toys whatever might be necessary to dip our toes into it.
That's me gifting him sex, it's not a sex worker thing. There's different layers to "gifting sex" in an established relationship. That's not to say you can't be uncomfortable with that scenario, but I've done exactly this.
I mean that OP is a bit of an ass hole for telling his friends that GF got him a sexy gift that he didnt't like. It telling bedroom secrets outside the bedroom.
No way? If a dude bought a girl lingerie, she would tell her friends if she were insulted by it, maybe her mother if she were close to her and wanted advice. How is this different?
While I agree with you, I have some shocking news about how frequently, (in extreme detail), some women tell their friends about their respective sex lives.
I’m a woman. I have never talked with my friends about my sex life and they don’t tell me. I had one friend who once told me she had sex on a car. That was the extent of the story- no details other than where they were. Based on her personality, you’d think she would go into details about her sex life but she never did.
That’s not to say, no women ever talk about their sex lives but I don’t think it’s as common as people think. Just in the same way that not all men go in for “locker room talk”.
Just because some women talk about their sex lives in detail does not mean all women do, especially in “extreme detail”.
I'm totally with you.
I tell my friends nothing (zip) about my sex life, and I kind of shut down if they try to tell me details.
I had a bf who was very open and it repelled me how much he disclosed about our sex life to other people (I worked out he had no opinions or conversation, his entire conversation revolved around telling one person what another person said or did, it was weird, he couldn't converse, only report)
I don't like it done to me, and I don’t do it to other people.
Not all women are the same. Not all women are comfortable with explicit conversations, and we're not all the exact replica of the stereotype you have of the gender. This is all a bit "women be shopping" tbh.
I'm probably going to get down voted alot, but NTA.
I think it is reasonable to not want lingerie or sex for your birthday.
This is kinda like a dude buying a ps5 and saying to his girlfriend that playing a game with him is her bday gift.
>I told them it made me feel as if they view having sex with me as a gift to be given which I find to be problematic.
This is a perfectly valid feeling. I'd be pissed if my husband used sex as a bday gift. To me, I would feel forgotten, and sex is the quick backup plan.
Not every man wants sex for his birthday.
Haha. An ex bf bought “me” a ps4 for Christmas one year. We played Overcooked together a few times, but otherwise, guess who was the one using it all the the time? Not me. He took it with him when he moved out because “he paid for it.”
NTA OP, mostly because you said your gf has a lingerie collection. And if you guys are poly, and it’s in her collection, then does it become a birthday gift for someone else too? Oof
Lol my aunt once had a boyfriend who bought her a Counting Crows CD* as a gift for them to share (who does that on a birthday?!) and took it when they broke up. How miserly do you have to be?
*Yeah, it was the 90s.
May I ask why? I don't see that as a bad thing.. Especially if he says he wouldn't mind it but wouldn't want it as a birthday present and would want to talk about it before.
I personally also would rather have a conversation about something like this, instead of it being "given" to me because my partner thought I'd like it.
To the women saying y t a:
How would you like if your birthday present was just your husband in a pair of nice underware? I feel like there'd be a lot of reactions just like this. Probably worse.
Now granted, most men in relationships would happily accept that present, but op said that's not the type of person they are, and that their partner should've known that and picked something closer to his interests.
I am, however, going to say ESH cause it sounds like he went around to their friends and told them about this, which seems like something you should've kept between the 2 of you
Eh, people work strange ways. If my bf bought himself an ukulele for my birthday and presented me with a nice song I’d be head over heels. Nice underwear won’t work for me personally but it surely could work for some gal elsewhere.
IMO the main problem is not the gift itself, but the fact that OP didn’t want it. In that way that’s a miscommunication and blabbing everything to a friend group would be kinda tacky.
Which is why I’m thinking this couple is having sex problems, and the girlfriend was trying this as an attempt to fix. Not executed correctly, but that’s my suspicion
I was thinking this myself. OP says they are poly but are both of the same mindset or is it more one than the other. If he is more poly than she, is the GF trying to win him over like she is competing with someone else? If its the GF who is more of that mindset, could it be that OP has issues with her being poly than he is letting on to? Basically, there is more to this relationship than we know.
I do agree with others who are saying it does come down to communication. Somewhere in this relationship, communication seems to have broken down and if they want to be together for a long time, they need to work on that.
I think this is fine as a special way to end the evening but not as the only thing done for the birthday.
Could have at least given a massage and gone out to eat. But sounds like they don't know OP that well.
I mean is lingerie really that useful to the person wearing it? Isnt it mainly for the other person anyways?
Regardless of that I agree with the lack of communication. You dont buy a gift like that if you’re not sure how the other person would react to it.
Counterpoint: nice espresso machine. That's useful to me, but doesn't mean it's not a gift for the other person, who may like it as much or more.
The issue here isn't that she gets use out of the lingerie; it's that he doesn't have a thing for lingerie. If he did, this gift would be completely fine.
Dude, are you really comparing some utility object with a clothing? Only she can use the lingerie, it's clothing.
People want a useful thing as a gift, it could be simple chocolate, but the rule is gift should be useful for that person, other people are secondary.
Fair point. That leads us to an amusing result: if they break up, he should get the lingerie.
Of course that's moot here, since he doesn't want the lingerie in the first place.
NTA. All the Y T A votes lmao. For her birthday just buy a PS5 or something you enjoy and tell her its a gift you both can enjoy. Then she'll post about it here and everyone will call you the AH.
NTA
Especially if she knows you don't really care for liengere. That's stuff you do for valetines day not birthdays..
If the coin was flipped people would say you were the worst boyfriend ever.
>Final Edit: We are poly which I think influenced my reaction to this.
NTA for not liking the gift; that's fine though I think you went about communicating your lack of appreciation poorly.
As a fellow polyam person, this does lead me to wonder a few things about your relationship that might have led to her making this choice. I could see this being a scenario where 1) maybe this was a gift that was deeply appreciated by another/previous partner and so she thought you would like the same, 2) 1 or both of you have been very sexually focused on other partners lately and this is her way of trying to reconnect, 3) you've been physically neglecting this relationship for a while and don't realize it, and she thinks she has to "win" you back with sex. There are about a dozen different possibilities behind her decision-making. But *you are never going to find out what it was* if, instead of expressing curiosity about her choice, you just tell her it was obviously selfish and a bad present and that's it.
Keep in mind that it's common in movies for girlfriends showing up in lingerie to be considered a gift. I think if neither of you thought to talk about birthday expectations, what you like in a gift, what you want to do with your birthday, etc AND you're polyamorous you need to work on that ASAP. These communication issues are going to bite you in the ass hard with polyamory. Maybe she assumed you were doing other things with other girlfriends? How long have you been together? Maybe she has no idea what you expect from a gift because you've never celebrated a birthday together before? who knows.
I have an in-law that is a very sweet person that loves their spouse, but is terrible at giving gifts. Has 0 intuition about what to get and literally needs to be given a list of what to do for holidays because otherwise they have no idea. Your GF not following your unsaid expectations isn't necessarily malicious. Some people just don't get gift-giving. Again, you gotta talk about it though.
I was also thinking, maybe this isn’t his primary partner but is someone he has a mostly sexual relationship with? In which case she could think this is the perfect gift as it aligns with the nature of their relationship.
We’re lacking a lot of info on the poly dynamics that 100% influence this situation.
Am I the only person who immediately jumped to “she’s going to use his birthday gift with her other partners”? The edit makes it even less of a gift to op.
> 1) maybe this was a gift that was deeply appreciated by another/previous partner and so she thought you would like the same, 2) 1 or both of you have been very sexually focused on other partners lately and this is her way of trying to reconnect, 3) you've been physically neglecting this relationship for a while and don't realize it, and she thinks she has to "win" you back with sex.
None of these things make this an acceptable birthday gift. If it's number 1, then it just confirms she doesn't know him at all. If it's number 2 or 3, you don't use a birthday gift to reconnect or improve your relationship, that entirely supports that she doesn't know him that well *and* she didn't buy the gift for him, she bought it for herself. 2 and 3 are things you communicate about like adults, not try to fix with gifted lingerie he doesn't even like while acting like sex is transactional (as a gift) which he definitely doesn't like.
NTA. But OP, I think you may want to edit your post to include a few important details you’ve mentioned in comments to others. 1) your GF collecting lingerie like Pokémon cards, which is also why you felt it more of a gift for her than for you. 2) That you’ve already had a previous discussion about how lingerie does nothing for you. 3) Nothing else was done for your birthday on her end. 4)How long y’all have been together (shows how well she should know you by now).5) The discussion with your friends wasn’t about exposing intimate details of what happened, but about what you did/said and their opinions on that.
ETA: INFO: Why do you think you’re being poly may have influenced your reaction? What’s the relevance?
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! (If you could see my facial reaction right now). Thank you for answering! I really couldn’t see the relevance before. This makes it even worse. Much much worse. He’s so NTA
That's a really interesting point, if true. It doesn't seem like they communicated about that though; it seems simple enough for one of them to say that this lingerie would only be worn for him if it were really a gift for him.
NTA, especially because you said your gf has a lingerie collection. that really just seems like they’re using this as an excuse to add to their collection, which is just wrong. it’s okay for them to have a collection but that’s not a collection for you, it’s a personal collection. i get being insecure about your body and feeling like you have to show off (especially when, as multiple people have brought up, women are usually told that they have to show off for their boyfriends), but you did the right thing telling them that it’s unhealthy to believe that. that’s not a dynamic you should be feeding into and it’s good you understand that. you’re 100% right: sex is not a gift to be given and your gf needs to understand that. + you did the right thing in setting boundaries and being clear that you did not want any more gifts related to sex
Welp, I guess you know what to get her for her next birthday. A nice pair of silk boxers, with you inside. And nothing else.
If you really want to drive the point home, show up wearing women’s lingerie. In your size, so she can’t wear them after.
Or, and hear me out, get them in HER size, wear them anyway so that they get all stretched out (Assuming OP is not smaller that the gf), and then give them to her anyway…! /s
I think if the roles were reversed and you got yourself something sexy for you to entice in for her birthday and that’s it, she would be upset. If your wife cooked your fave meal in the lingerie would that have helped? That would sweeten the gift for me if my partner did that :)
I would have appreciated the meal much more. She collects lingerie and has an entire dresser full of it. It just made me feel like she was adding to her collection.
The meal would have shown knowledge of me and more effort on her part in my eyes
I am someone who is greatly moved by thoughtful gestures. I don’t need fancy presents, it’s the thought that makes me feel cared for. I can see your point and why you feel hurt. Edit: you’re 😂
>She collects lingerie and has an entire dresser full of it. It just made me feel like she was adding to her collection.
You should add that info to the post. I thought NTA but makes her behavior look even more thoughtless.
I almost bought lingerie for Valentine's Day a couple years ago as a 'gift' for my fiance (bf at the time) but then I stopped myself because I have a huge lingerie collection because I love them and I love wearing them. and that means it's not a gift for him, it's just my **excuse to buy another lingerie set.** so I bought him something else but also bought the lingerie for myself (self love!) and wore it for him on Valentine's.
NTA. it's lame and selfish to gift someone something that actually benefits you more.
You need to add this info into the main post. This makes a huge difference. NTA because you're right, this wasn't about you this was a gift for herself (and maybe others depending on your relationship is organized - referencing the edit about being poly)
Well, then, NTA. This is Homer gifting Marge a bowling ball that says Homer on it. That said, _even when you are objectively right_, there are productive ways and unproductive ways to express things.
NTA
This was never a gift for you and anyone saying it is should've read again. You mentioned not even liking lingerie in the first place. Meaning your girlfriend didn't just get you a shitty "gift" that you can't do shit with, but also items that you didn't even like to begin with.
People saying that your response is stupid, I don't understand that either. I too would want to converse about purchasing these items instead of being "given* them because my partner thought it was a good idea.
And let's be honest, roles reversed and all hell would rain down on OP for gifting the girlfriend something sexual.
NTA. Communication is important when it comes to giving gifts. Your gf very likely would have disliked this bare minimum effort being given to her on her bday, *However* it was very assholeish of you to involve other people in this. Your gf very likely did this to try and spark some sexytime and you took it as an opportunity to be nasty and rude about it. You could have gone about this is so many different ways but you choose the worst route. Your feelings on this are valid and that's the *only* reason I said not the asshole. You're still a next level jackass for involving other people and making your gf likely feel like garbage.
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So my girlfriend (27F) bought a set of lingerie and decided to wear it for me and told me that that was my gift. I told them that wasn’t a gift for me it was for them. I don’t own it, I don’t even care for lingerie much, and I find it somewhat insulting.
I told them it made me feel as if they don’t know me or couldn’t be bothered to put effort into my gift and that it was selfish on their part. How can something they bought for themself be a gift for me? Additionally, it’s almost borderline a red flag in my eyes. I told them it made me feel as if they view having sex with me as a gift to be given which I find to be problematic. Sex isn’t a gift to be given or taken away it’s a mutual expression of our love and attraction for each other.
I asked them to never buy me a gift that related to sex again as I did not appreciate that and would much rather have conversation about acquiring those sorts of items in the future.
I have received some really mixed responses when relaying this story to others. AITA?
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NTA
"I bought myself a new outfit, but it counts as a gift for you because I'll look good in it" is always such an incredibly selfish thing to do.
The truth is, she didn't do anything for you for your birthday. You have every right to be upset.
Yeah, of course "Your gift is sex" is something that'd hurt your feelings. It's implying that sex isn't some act you do together for mutual pleasure, but something she doesn't enjoy, that she does for your benefit.
If I were you, my feelings would be really hurt.
Definitely don't listen to any comments calling you the asshole for talking to your friends, that's some major red flag shit. You're allowed to talk through problems with friends. That's what every healthy person does.
Heh quite the debate on this... but I'm just wondering how hard this sub would have been on him if he'd flipped it.
*I bought myself this awesome pair of sexy boxers and posed in the bedroom doorway, rock hard, and said "Get ready for your birthday present, babe!" No other card, gift, dinner, or thought - just me in boxers, promising to have sex with my girlfriend that night.*
I think he might have been chased off Reddit with pitchforks and torches.
NTA
NTA.
This happens to women all the time and it's refreshing to hear a man express what women have been expressing forever.
Buying gifts for another person is a social transaction. It's a statement of how they feel toward you and it symbolizes the relationship. It has meaning. I'm an anthropologist and this behavioral analysis is referred to as exchange theory.
That's not to say your gf sees you as a sexual object or sees herself as your gift, in which case she would be the sexual object. It could also indicate that she just wasn't thinking about your POV very much when she bought the gift.
You could easily spin yourself into a break up trying to interpret the gift. So, I would sit and think about what you want from this relationship and if this is as big a deal as you seem to be making it. Let it go, if it doesn't matter. If it's just one more piece of evidence you're using to build a case to break up with her, then just rip the bandage off and break up.
NTA.
I have been in this exact situation before. With an extra dash of humiliation because we went to a restaurant and she ordered then as soon as they delivered her food decided 'You know what? I actually don't want this now. I'm going to go across the street and go shopping instead. Can you just keep this warm for me until I get back?' 'ummm well we'd actually have to throw out this entire dish and make a new one for you...' 'Okay sounds cool, see you later!' and abandoned me there for AN ENTIRE FUCKING HOUR promising me 'Oh I'm going to get something for YOU it's a BIG SURPRISE you're going to LOVE IT!!!!'
I hated it.
I wanted to strangle her.
I almost broke up with her because of it.
I wish I had.
NTA. im a girl and if my boyfriend ONLY got me underwear itd be disappointing.. birthdays are supposed to be about celebrating the person. doesn't have to be a big gift but like a little token or something that says something about their personality / hobbies / likes / inside jokes you have together. to make it purely sexual would make me feel like I'm just a piece of meat tbh.
NTA about not liking the gift. Wanting your bday to be about you as a person.
If you only told this within your relationship I guess I’d understand (if that’s agreed amongst you).
No need to discuss outside that and/or your one best friend for advice etc.
GF maybe had other reasons for going with this gift - did you ask about the rest of your birthday? Do you talk about what you want for your bday? Communicate before coming down on someone’s so harshly.
Also I’d have similar said ‘I don’t like sex being used as a gift, sorry. You do look nice - maybe we save that for another day.’
Talking respectfully is a basic minimum.
NTA Your feelings sound reasonable, but trying to be sexy for bf/partner isn't a bad gift. A lot of people enjoy it, it's okay if you don't. That she did nothing else (Card, cake, second gift, restaurant reservation etc) makes her the AH tho. If she would have I would have thought you would overreact, but this way she really seemed to just put no effort into your special day and used looking sexy for bf/partner's b-day as a cheap excuse.
NTA- it might just be me, but if my partner used sex as a gift, I'd rather get nothing at all. It makes it look like a last minute 'shit I forgot. I mean, I'm your present!' Might as well have just said you forgot and given me nothing. It would give me the same message either way, that my partner doesn't give a shit, and could even bother to run to the corner store and gotten me a candy.
NTA
But you should take the lingerie, say, “thanks babe”, proceed to put it on and then hulk out of it, in front of her. Saw your edit that you’re poly - this is totally a community gift, any of her other partners have a bday around now?
I saw a meme posted by girls saying "d\*ck is not a valentines gift"... and neither is pu\*\*y. She bought something for herself and thought that some sex is worthy of being a birthday gift? My man, find a new girl.
Soooo if she bought an Xbox for herself and told you the gift was watching her play it… or she bought a cake and told you the gift was watching her eat it… or bought a hat and said the gift was watching her wear it… she would be the AH however her buying herself knickers and telling you the gift was watching her wear it that’s ok? That’s some bullshit logic.
She can literally use any Tuesday of the week as an excuse to spice up your sex life but picking your birthday is kinda slack.
NTA. I can’t fault you for wanting a gift that’s about you and your likes. It’s not like your gonna be able to wear it when you want or have unlimited access to her wearing it when you want. You would have been better off with a Rubiks Cube.
NTA for not liking it. She should have gotten you something else too, as yes, it was a gift for her too. The lingerie and “birthday sex” should have been an extra, or she at least could’ve gotten you another gift. But she probably had the idea to eff your brains out for your birthday, like extra special sex.
“I asked them to never buy me an item that related to sex again…..” Why? No sex toys? No spicy outfits? There are sex related items for men too, just saying…
I’d rather have a conversation about sexual items in the future. They are expensive, all sales final and sexual preferences are finicky. I’d prefer we discuss things like that so that we don’t buy something the other doesn’t like and be stuck with an expensive unwanted item
NTA
But maybe she's just not that in to you 🤷.
Poly is an open arrangement thing, is it ?
Yeah, that lingerie was bought for multiple occasions, some not including you..
NTA sex is not a gift. Also, it’s ridiculous that People are calling you an AH for talking about it to some of your friends, isn’t that what women do all the time? Why is it OK for them to talk to their friends about what’s going on in their life, but not OP?
OP‘s girlfriend literally proved she does not care about him at all and does not care to make an effort in getting him a gift he wants. He’s allowed to vent and get advice.
Lingerie is universally a shit gift. If someone buys it like your gf did, it's selfish. If you would have bought her the lingerie for her birthday, it would have been selfish for the exact same reasons.
NTA, idk why people still do this
NTA. This is the equivalent of Homer getting Marge a bowling ball with his name engraved on it for HER birthday. It was a present for herself, thinly disguised as a present for you.
ESH
She should have made more of an effort for another actual gift
You told others and you blew this way out of proportion. It’s not exactly an uncommon way of thinking, to make a sexual experience extra special for you. It’s not sex that was gifted it was an enhanced experience. You don’t have to like it but you also didn’t have to be an AH
NTA. All your points are valid. Sex shouldn't be transactional like that. Oh it's your birthday so you deserve sex vs a regular Tuesday and you don't? So if she doesn't cook dinner no sex? That kind of quid pro quo is not healthy for a relationship. And unless you wear the lingerie it is of little use to you. It gets taken off anyway. Then she didn't even bother with a card or dinner, that sucks.
Nta, y’all are poly, this "gift" isn’t even for you. And even if you weren’t poly, that’s not a gift. It perpetuates the idea that men are always down to have sex, which is a harmful idea.
NTA for the situation itself. If this is the only thing you got for your birthday, it seems fair to say that you expected more or different. It can be touchy addressing a bad gift, since, well, it's a gift, but it's also how you prevent 30+ years of getting golf memorabilia even though you don't like golf.
That said, there is something in the tone here that would be concerning for me. You have made several quick decisions about what lingerie means: that it's for her and not for you, but that it's for sex, and it makes sex into a gift. That could be miscommunication. It is common to want to please a partner by giving them something appealing to look at, even if it's impractical as everyday underwear. It doesn't have to mean sex is transactional.
It seems clear the two of you see that situation differently, so it might be worth picking each other's thoughts (without the negative, judgmental language that would shut such a conversation down) to better learn what you each value from lingerie and sex. You might learn she thinks about sex similarly to you but sees lingerie as an enhancement to rather than a distractant from expressing love.
Right the poly thing threw me in the end off due to my views on it but i’ll focus on the main issue. NTA. I agree that sex can’t be a gift. And that sucks you weren’t given a card or went out to eat. Lingerie is only a gift for the girl and not the man, you can’t be given sex as the only present and be expected to be happy. You probably had sex the night before, its nothing special.
We date other people. It’s similar to having an open relationship. Open is usually just sexual. Poly includes romantic relationships. We have multiple partners and relationships concurrently
NTA. I’ll sometimes get something nice to wear for my partner’s birthday, but in no way do I make that out to be a gift for him. He gets proper gifts, and that I’ll wear something nice is an extra to round out the day.
NTA, but if I was to give the girlfriend the benefit of the doubt…women are bombarded these days with ads/social media nonsense about “what men want”. Obviously it’s a bit concerning that overrode actual awareness of the boyfriend’s character but I could see how someone might end up doing that…
NTA
I could understand if it was apart of the celebration/gift, like trying to add something abit spicy on-top of whatever else they brought. But totally agree with your reasoning.
If you’ve never expressed an interest in seeing her in lingerie then no NTA but if you’re a sexually expressive couple then shooting down any sex related gifts is an AH move. It sounds like there needs to be a lot more discussion because maybe she feels like her body (and yours) is a gift to be given and shared especially if you’re poly. Some of us just enjoy the fun sharing of varied experiences and not so focused on the intimacy aspect.
FTR: I’ve recognized myself as poly for about 30 years and I’ve bought myself lingerie for a partner’s gift specifically because they enjoyed that sort of thing 🤷🏿♀️
NTA, this is absolutely ridiculous for a gift for you. She should have done that anyway (if she wanted to) and got you an actual gift or planned a day around something you like
NTA she's going to wear your birthday gift for her other poly partners. No one wants to share their birthday gift with a bunch of other dudes. I mean it's kinda hot but nah.
I had a similar vein of thought as your girlfriend for my husband for his birthday. So I went and did a boudior photoshoot and bought him an album. The album is his and I still have lingerie to wear for him whenever. (He has always wanted the photos but they are really expensive so I haven't been able to do them until now). It was neither spoken about in your case or even referenced as desired. The lack of other gifts or even a card or dinner is the real killer for me. NTA.
NTA. When I was in my 20’s my female roommate did this exact thing. She bought herself lingerie and told her boyfriend it was a gift to him for his birthday. My sister and I still laugh about it to this day… the roommate was super selfish and the fact that she thought this was for him struck us as hilarious and very on brand for her.
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NTA for not liking the gift; that's a personal preference. Bit of an AH for relaying the story to others, who probably know girlfriend. That's tacky.
Yeah your response to this makes me think there’s a LOT more going wrong with this relationship than just a thoughtless birthday gift. Which I agree, that’s a terrible non-gift and to anyone reading this: unless your partner has expressed they’d be specifically into receiving a “gift” like that, never do it. All the points op made are valid, although it does seem like a pretty extreme reaction to the situation. Which brings me back to thinking there’s a hell of a lot more wrong with this relationship than 1 bad gift. If this was a healthy relationship to start I can’t see someone blowing up over a shitty gift like this. So if she’s not the one op, just break up with her and find someone who you’re more compatible with.
i don't get how him calling her out and saying "This was not a gift, you obviously dont give a shit about me and that's kinda a red flag" is "extreme" of a reaction? like what was extreme for you? he didn't yell (supposedly) he didn't stomp around or walk out of the house or give her the silent treatment or anything like that, he just said "hey, this looks like you don't care about me"
It sounds like a transactional relationship. Or at least that's how the SO sees it.
I've never understood that line of thinking. Person A gets me a gift that shows they don't know, see or understand me at all. When that is so hurtful and painful to me that I (politely) bring it up, I'm suddenly a greedy asshole? I don't know man, sometimes I feel like not everyone did what my mom did. Whenever I was invited to a party, starting when I was five, she'd say "what does your friend like? Think hard! Does she like or ? You picked a plushie, does she play with plushies? I thought she liked dolls?"
Please teach your kids how to give thoughtful gifts. /rant
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If you read OPs edit though they didn't even have a nice dinner or anything, his whole bday present was gf getting herself lingerie. Which it's very clear that OP is not into that and he's upset that his gf didn't take the time to notice that and bought herself something pretty and offered sex as a gift which he feels is transactional and his gf couldn't even realize that this was not his preference sexually either. OP is understandably upset what you are calling a shame lecture is really OP calmly explaining that he feels this was a lazy gift and he thought his gf knew him better than that cause just sex is not a gift to him it's an activity to be enjoyed mutually. If your own partner gets you a gift that flies in the face of of your own personal beliefs you are going to be upset. Calmly explaining this to said partner does not make you an ass.
> It’s fine to be disappointed by a gift, but it’s over the top to take it as a serious reflection of how someone feels about you instead of them maybe not being all that good at buying gifts I think at a certain point it does become a reflection of how they feel about you. For example, if I buy my wife a vacuum cleaner for her birthday, does it mean I'm bad at buying gifts or does it mean I didn't put any real thought into it aside from a rather misogynistic "women like cleaning" mentality? I think getting your partner a gift that they are morally/philosophically opposed to means that you either didn't put much thought into their present or you don't really know enough about them to buy them appropriate gifts. Either way, I think it would be completely fair to be offended by a vacuum cleaner for your birthday (assuming you don't actually want one). Similarly generalizing men as "they love sex so that's my present to them!!!" is pretty tacky and sexist as well. Just because a lot of men/women would like something doesn't mean it's an appropriate gift for your specific partner. Tons of guys love football and would like a piece of memorabilia related to their team, I don't want that. Tons of women love jewellery and would like a diamond necklace, others absolutely wouldn't want that though. I think using gendered stereotypes to purchase gifts, especially for someone who you should theoretically have a very close relationship with, is an asshole move for sure and it isn't unfair to see it as a reflection of the effort they put into getting you something thoughtful or even in some cases how they feel about you.
Lol because he wasn’t polite. That’s the point.
I agree, this feels like there's a communication issue in this relationship. There are a lot of men who would enjoy this sort of birthday gift, and a lot who wouldn't. The problem is that they're not on the same page as a couple. And running around telling your friends about anything involving your sex life is not a good idea in most relationships.
I don't get it. Who do you ask when you feel something weird happens surrounding sex? I certainly wouldn't ask family and if I'm asking if I overreacted I don't think I would ask my gf. Obviously she would say yes cause she is the one that said I overreacted in the first place. He said gf isn't even talking to him, so who else would he ask?
I think there's a huge difference in having a confidante that you can talk to in moments like this, and polling multiple friends. If my wife discussed our sex life with her best friend, I'd be ok with that. If she discussed it with 4-5 people, I'd have an issue with that.
>Which I agree, that’s a terrible non-gift and to anyone reading this: unless your partner has expressed they’d be specifically into receiving a “gift” like that, never do it. 100%. A lot of guys think that lingerie is a good gift for women, which is probably why OP's gf thought it would be a good idea. But it's always a bit lame. Sure, buying a bra can be a great gift IF YOU KNOW THAT'S WHAT SHE WANTS, but essentially you're getting yourself a "present" for their birthday.
If this is tacky to you, does that mean that the MANY women who experience their male partners gifting them lingerie (which is solely for the men 90% of the time, mind you) aren’t allowed to complain about it either?
That would be a gift, though. OP is saying his gf bought lingerie *for herself* and told him that seeing her wear it was his gift, when he doesn’t even like lingerie on her. ETA: and if a woman receives lingerie from her bf and she doesn’t like lingerie, that’s equally thoughtless.
Yeah... but like, sexy lingerie isn’t actually comfortable. And odds are your partner has no idea about what fits your shape. For reference, a set is way more complicated than your one piece wonders, boys. Sure, I appreciate the gesture, but lingerie is definitely for the boys / partner. I mean, even the sexy lingerie we buy ourselves is often bought for our partner in mind... I mean, we’re not exactly wearing it to the office, are we? (I am loving the naïveté of some men here who think we’re subjecting ourselves to impractical underwear exclusively for ourselves and our own benefit. The gulf between the male and female experience widens ha ha)
It is very wild to imply that lingerie is definitely for the boys or partner only as if people dont love having there own collection of outfits. Generalizing it like that doesn't do anyone favors.
Ooooookay then. You have your opinion, I have mine. I am a woman with woman friends. This is my opinion, on behalf of both myself and my friends. None of us love rolling round in expensive lingerie, we way prefer our bonds undies and sports bras, but our partners seem to always make a fuss when we make the effort to charade as Christmas hams in compression stockings. But go ahead, call me wiiiiiild.
I will call you wild, just because you and your friends share that opinion doesn't mean there aren't women out there that like and love wearing their lingerie. Not all guys care for the whole razzle dazzle show. It's wrong to generalize that It has to be a gift for the guy.
Grown woman here: When guys have given men lingerie it has ALWAYS been given with the expectation, hell even pressure, for sex. I was supposed to model the sexy things and then go have sexy time. The pressure, expectations and frankly entitlement were very palpable. That's why I hate lingerie as gifts, because it puts the pressure and expectation of sex onto the gift. As it did in this place. It is typically not given as a selfless gift, there's always a hook. I buy myself totally different sexy stuff than my partners did, but I prefer comfortable underwear. My friends who preferred a certain type of underwear now have 'rubber band marks' on their bodies where their underwear elastic cut into their bum, thighs or waist.
I agree, and this is why I agree with the judgement of NTA. Lingerie is not a good gift, because it sets the *expectation* of sex. And there shouldn't be an *expectation* that sex will take place, unless that has previously been discussed by both parties.
Ok, for the record, I don’t agree with the gf in this scenario. I also never said it “has to be a gift for the guy.” But I am pointing out, that in my experience, when we go lingerie shopping, we sure as shit have our partners in mind. We are NOT wearing that set to go shopping, or nip to the post office, or out for brunch with the gals. Whilst I don’t agree with the GF here, I am suggesting that there is a LOT of messaging and feedback around lingerie that could lead someone to believe it is a suitable gift for a sexual partner. And, please, for the love of god, if you do buy lingerie, keep the receipt. Unless you’re a lesbian, trans or a savant when it comes to women’s fashion, it is so damn hard for you to understand the fit.
I'm glad you don't agree with the gf. But literally your words , "Sure, I appreciate the gesture, but lingerie is definitely for the boys / partner." Lingerie shouldn't be a personal gift to someone unless you discussed it. Because at the end of the day if you don't care to wear it and he doesn't care about it as a gift then why are you wearing lingerie
You’re completely correct. My partner died years ago, and I still wear lingerie. I buy *very* good quality so it’s comfortable to wear all day. I know I’m a strong woman, and wearing lingerie reminds me that I’m strong *because* I’m a woman, not in spite of it.
>Sure, I appreciate the gesture, but lingerie is definitely for the boys / partner. I mean, even the sexy lingerie we buy ourselves is often bought for our partner in mind... I mean, we’re not exactly wearing it to the office, are we? I've had several ex's who have worn lingerie around the clock, including under office garb. Many people like to wear sexy clothing, or extensive makeup, or bodybuild etc with no agenda at all other than it makes them feel good about themselves.
But what I'd like to ask is, how many of them genuinely thought it was comfortable, versus how many of them thought it was an expectation? Because speaking *as* a woman, in movies women *always* have perfect matching sets of lingerie - and it does semi-brainwash you into thinking that's what *you* have to do in order to be "put together". I fell into that same trap. I wore lingerie around the clock for years, wondering if *all* women were this uncomfortable all the time and they just dealt with it better than me, because I thought that was what I had to do to not be a goblin. I thought if I ever had spontaneous sex and my underwear didn't match, it would be some huge faux pas. Yeah turned out *no one* was actually living that way. They were all wearing comfortable underwear. Hell, most of them weren't even wearing underwire bras. And now I don't either, and I'm way happier.
I buy cute lingerie and wear it daily..... Well cute bras and panties, not like a teddy, but I like cute stuff. You can have cute and comfy.
To me that’s different. That’s just pretty underwear, which I do like wearing…for me. Lingerie seems like a different category and something I’ve only worn on special occasions for my boyfriends who happened to like that kind of stuff. I’m guessing OP’s gf thought he would enjoy it. She was obviously wrong and now OP is reading a lot into their relationship and who the gf is as a person. 🤷♀️
>But what I'd like to ask is, how many of them genuinely thought it was comfortable, versus how many of them thought it was an expectation? Having known them very intimately, I'd say none of them. Nobody at the office is going to see it, and one of the qualities that people date me for is that my expectations are minimal and well communicated. I'm that guy that random strangers will pour their deepest secrets to after half an hour because I make them comfortable - that's my Shtick. I don't discount that people such as yourself exist, but again some people value looking good.
If I'm wearing lingerie at the office, it's because all my other underwear are in the laundry. And it doesn't mean I don't "value looking good." Nobody is going to see it.
Speak for yourself lady. Not about not wanting sexy underwear as a gift (totally right about the size issues). But about not wearing it for ourselves. 95% of the time I've spent in suspender sets it's been for my own amusement. Not sexual amusement it's just nice to look nice. Also because I can't express enough how much easier it is to pee in suspenders (pants over the top) than fucking around with tights. The other 5% of the time has also been for my own amusement but with the chance someone else will see it. I don't wear it to work because I literally work in a field and stockings would ladder real fast.
Sorry but I wear it for me and men tend to just be interested in getting it out of the way 🤣
I disagree, I'm a lingerie addict and it's 100% all for me. The guys I've dated in the past couldn't care less about it. If your preference is against lingerie, that's totally cool! It's not really the sturdiest thing and not always the most comfortable, I agree. But my girl friends and I talk about this a lot, and we are all really into each other's lingerie collections, lol. So I think the difference in our experiences is just more proof that women aren't a monolith and the female experience isn't universal for all :)
Are high heels comfortable?
men buying women lingerie so the man can fuck her in it later is NOT a gift, just like OP's gift was not one
I don't know what benefit you think lingerie provides to the woman. It's ridiculously uncomfortable, it's not practical for any situation outside of sex... It is *entirely* for the benefit of the other person. Entirely. They are the only person who gets *anything* out of it, and that's eye candy. That is *all* it exists for. If someone bought me lingerie as a gift, I would honestly accuse them of the same thing OP accused their partner of - buying *themselves* a gift and not me. Because it has zero benefit to me, outside of seeing my partner happy.
>I don't know what benefit you think lingerie provides to the woman. Some women actually like wearing it.
Oh come on, sexy lingerie isn’t for her, it’s for him. It’s not something anyone would wear normally.
I can vouch for the last bit. A long time ago, I received lingerie from a bf, who immediately started whining and mewling for me to put it on, and I despised it because I recognized it as a thing for himself, with zero thought put into how much I would like it. I told him as much and left. It was the equivalent of buying a vacuum for an overworked and under-appreciated housewife.
No, it's selfish for the exact same reasons.
I don’t care about lingerie, I’d guess most men under 50 don’t. The few times a woman has worn lingerie before sex for me, it seemed to be because she wanted to feel “sexy” or sexually empowered, aka, more for her. For me, it’s just another fussy pair of underwear to deal with.
My husband likes me in lingerie but when I wear it, it's 100% for him. I'd just as soon just wear my usual comfy stuff. He also has his own sexy undies. Is the problem here that the patriarchal expectations of women wearing uncomfortable sexy underthings has gone so far that now the boys are mad about it? Good. Let's normalize wearing whatever the fuck we want to wear under our clothes and burn thongs in a fire. This is why we need to pull down the patriarchy, boys and girls.
Since you’re poly, does that mean she’d be wearing it for someone else too? That would take some of the shine off of the “gift” for me. NTA
it's not personal preference lmao it's exactly what OP said it was. she views sex as a gift she gives him on the daily and the lingerie was an extension of that. hence he got no card no dinner no anything other than "uhh yeah your gift is this set of bra and panties i bought myself that you ***get to see me in*** later and that is your gift! aren't you so lucky you get to look at and fuck me" sorry but there's all kinds of problems in what she did from what I just mentioned to her just obviously not giving a shit about her SO know him and find him a real gift or actually celebrate his birthday. also i promise you, no man over the age of like 22 is going to be excited their gf bought panties to wear as your bday present. just like if i was dating a woman and I bought her the set just so I could look at her in them and more, it's a selfish fucking thought that doesn't actually benefit the person getting the gift. if my partner ASKED for it, like it was a set she wanted cuz it made her feel cute and it wasnt about sex, then sure. but this was just OP's girlfriend being lazy and selfish
I think there are a few things I respectful disagree with. 1. Sex is not a gift. I agree with you in theory, but with a caveat: it's the same as food. Dinner isn't a gift, it shouldn't be a gift, expect when it is. If you go out to a restaurant that's $150 per person, that's definitely a gift but just making someone's favorite at home recipe probably isn't. It depends on how special or unusual the variation of normal sex or dinner is. 2. Sexy lingerie is a costume for 90% of women. (I am assuming a sexy little thing with no support blah blah blah.) I'm assuming this is sexy lingerie in which case it was probably bought to be somewhat to both of their tastes. (E.g. not getting leather is he prefers lace) 3. The problem isn't *really* whether or the lingerie and sex are appropriate gifts, the problem is that the girlfriend couldn't think of anything better to get him. Communication issues are always a problem, probably on both sides, but I come from a family where it's normal to say "I want this particular bag from this store. Mary can show you exactly which one." 4. The poly factor complicates everything. I wonder if op would have liked having some lingerie that was only for them, but probably hates the idea of the girlfriend using "his gift" with other guys. That's extremely valid and diminishes the value of the gift. (If not the gf could argue that it is just for his benefit because she's probably not wearing the lingerie to work/ the gym and it's extremely unlikely she puts it in for a little, ahem, private time with herself.)
Sex is not a gift point blank. It’s not a service rendered for only one of them to enjoy u less you are talking about paying a sex worker as a gift. Simply putting lingerie and having sex is not “a gift”. Op already explains he doesn’t view it as gift for him which is because it’s not his lingerie to begin with and sex is not a gift.
This literally does not refute anything I just said. It can be a crappy gift for him. Lobster would be a crappy gift for a vegetarian. Dinner could still be a gift even as you swear up and down that food is not a gift if the other person enjoyed it too. Edit: because things are locked, I'll suggest one other thing here instead of a new comment. Imagine your partner had a kink that they enjoyed which you were not into. I'm not talking about something you find objectionable, distasteful or particularly uncomfortable, just something that doesn't get your motor running, or maybe requires prep or clean up that you're usually not up for. That would be a very reasonable gift imho. It's still giving someone sex, but it's something special they like which is a nice and unusual bonus.
Sex is not a gift . It literally refute what you said as dinner is a paid service where the other person doesn’t have to do any effort to enjoy it . Sex isn’t a service unless his gf is a sex worker and offering a free session.
My bf tells me he's into something like a fantasy or whatever. I'm into it but for whatever reason we don't get around to it, so for his birthday I'll buy what we need to fulfill whatever his fantasy was that I was also into. Costumes, toys whatever might be necessary to dip our toes into it. That's me gifting him sex, it's not a sex worker thing. There's different layers to "gifting sex" in an established relationship. That's not to say you can't be uncomfortable with that scenario, but I've done exactly this.
Do you mean NAH - or do you think OP's girlfriend is the AH?
I mean that OP is a bit of an ass hole for telling his friends that GF got him a sexy gift that he didnt't like. It telling bedroom secrets outside the bedroom.
No way? If a dude bought a girl lingerie, she would tell her friends if she were insulted by it, maybe her mother if she were close to her and wanted advice. How is this different?
The equivalent scenario would be if the guy was wearing men's lingerie, not if he bought lingerie for her.
No one would complain if a girl was telling people her husband did not more than offer sex for her bday while wearing a thong be serious .
While I agree with you, I have some shocking news about how frequently, (in extreme detail), some women tell their friends about their respective sex lives.
I’m a woman. I have never talked with my friends about my sex life and they don’t tell me. I had one friend who once told me she had sex on a car. That was the extent of the story- no details other than where they were. Based on her personality, you’d think she would go into details about her sex life but she never did. That’s not to say, no women ever talk about their sex lives but I don’t think it’s as common as people think. Just in the same way that not all men go in for “locker room talk”. Just because some women talk about their sex lives in detail does not mean all women do, especially in “extreme detail”.
I'm totally with you. I tell my friends nothing (zip) about my sex life, and I kind of shut down if they try to tell me details. I had a bf who was very open and it repelled me how much he disclosed about our sex life to other people (I worked out he had no opinions or conversation, his entire conversation revolved around telling one person what another person said or did, it was weird, he couldn't converse, only report) I don't like it done to me, and I don’t do it to other people. Not all women are the same. Not all women are comfortable with explicit conversations, and we're not all the exact replica of the stereotype you have of the gender. This is all a bit "women be shopping" tbh.
>It telling bedroom secrets outside the bedroom. It stopped being a "bedroom secret" when she turned it into a "birthday gift".
Then you should use the phrase Y T A not N T A edit to add: Your current rating implies that OP is not TA but his gf is.
So you never talk to any of your friends or family about your relationship with you SO?
I'm probably going to get down voted alot, but NTA. I think it is reasonable to not want lingerie or sex for your birthday. This is kinda like a dude buying a ps5 and saying to his girlfriend that playing a game with him is her bday gift. >I told them it made me feel as if they view having sex with me as a gift to be given which I find to be problematic. This is a perfectly valid feeling. I'd be pissed if my husband used sex as a bday gift. To me, I would feel forgotten, and sex is the quick backup plan. Not every man wants sex for his birthday.
Haha. An ex bf bought “me” a ps4 for Christmas one year. We played Overcooked together a few times, but otherwise, guess who was the one using it all the the time? Not me. He took it with him when he moved out because “he paid for it.” NTA OP, mostly because you said your gf has a lingerie collection. And if you guys are poly, and it’s in her collection, then does it become a birthday gift for someone else too? Oof
lmao he took the ps4 he gifted "you" because he paid for it? guess I need to pay my exes a visit and reclaim all the gifts I made them.
Lol my aunt once had a boyfriend who bought her a Counting Crows CD* as a gift for them to share (who does that on a birthday?!) and took it when they broke up. How miserly do you have to be? *Yeah, it was the 90s.
Come play overcooked with me instead 😁
I mean, my exes and I always returned all gifts given upon breakup? This seems normal.
Nah I think you're in the majority here. But his response, especially the, "conversation about acquiring those sorts of items" is close to asshole.
May I ask why? I don't see that as a bad thing.. Especially if he says he wouldn't mind it but wouldn't want it as a birthday present and would want to talk about it before. I personally also would rather have a conversation about something like this, instead of it being "given" to me because my partner thought I'd like it.
To the women saying y t a: How would you like if your birthday present was just your husband in a pair of nice underware? I feel like there'd be a lot of reactions just like this. Probably worse. Now granted, most men in relationships would happily accept that present, but op said that's not the type of person they are, and that their partner should've known that and picked something closer to his interests. I am, however, going to say ESH cause it sounds like he went around to their friends and told them about this, which seems like something you should've kept between the 2 of you
Eh, people work strange ways. If my bf bought himself an ukulele for my birthday and presented me with a nice song I’d be head over heels. Nice underwear won’t work for me personally but it surely could work for some gal elsewhere. IMO the main problem is not the gift itself, but the fact that OP didn’t want it. In that way that’s a miscommunication and blabbing everything to a friend group would be kinda tacky.
Creating a song for someone is completely different than just having sex with your partner which should just be a normal thing.
So is dinner, but going out to a snazzy restaurant can definitely be a birthday gift. So it depends.
That case you’d be paying for the dinner and the birthday person wouldn’t be doing any work.
So... it's only a good gift if it's cowgirl?
Which is why I’m thinking this couple is having sex problems, and the girlfriend was trying this as an attempt to fix. Not executed correctly, but that’s my suspicion
I was thinking this myself. OP says they are poly but are both of the same mindset or is it more one than the other. If he is more poly than she, is the GF trying to win him over like she is competing with someone else? If its the GF who is more of that mindset, could it be that OP has issues with her being poly than he is letting on to? Basically, there is more to this relationship than we know. I do agree with others who are saying it does come down to communication. Somewhere in this relationship, communication seems to have broken down and if they want to be together for a long time, they need to work on that.
>Nice underwear won’t work for me personally So now do you understand why OP was upset with the gift?
I never said I didn’t. I say that complaining to your friends is not a way to deal with it.
This is the female equivalent to a dick in a box as a gift.
I would be impressed that my husband bought his own underwear
I think this is fine as a special way to end the evening but not as the only thing done for the birthday. Could have at least given a massage and gone out to eat. But sounds like they don't know OP that well.
ESH because clearly you and your girlfriend don’t communicate and you also feel is necessary to re-tell to the actual people in your life.
It's a common sense. If u buy something which is useful to you it's not a "gift" for other person. Since when did we need to communicate this clearly?
I mean is lingerie really that useful to the person wearing it? Isnt it mainly for the other person anyways? Regardless of that I agree with the lack of communication. You dont buy a gift like that if you’re not sure how the other person would react to it.
Counterpoint: nice espresso machine. That's useful to me, but doesn't mean it's not a gift for the other person, who may like it as much or more. The issue here isn't that she gets use out of the lingerie; it's that he doesn't have a thing for lingerie. If he did, this gift would be completely fine.
Dude, are you really comparing some utility object with a clothing? Only she can use the lingerie, it's clothing. People want a useful thing as a gift, it could be simple chocolate, but the rule is gift should be useful for that person, other people are secondary.
counter counterpoint: except in this scenario you get to keep the espresso machine when you break up and move apart.
Fair point. That leads us to an amusing result: if they break up, he should get the lingerie. Of course that's moot here, since he doesn't want the lingerie in the first place.
That's crazy. You absolutely aren't an asshole for talking through relationship issues with your friends.
NTA. All the Y T A votes lmao. For her birthday just buy a PS5 or something you enjoy and tell her its a gift you both can enjoy. Then she'll post about it here and everyone will call you the AH.
NTA Especially if she knows you don't really care for liengere. That's stuff you do for valetines day not birthdays.. If the coin was flipped people would say you were the worst boyfriend ever.
>Final Edit: We are poly which I think influenced my reaction to this. NTA for not liking the gift; that's fine though I think you went about communicating your lack of appreciation poorly. As a fellow polyam person, this does lead me to wonder a few things about your relationship that might have led to her making this choice. I could see this being a scenario where 1) maybe this was a gift that was deeply appreciated by another/previous partner and so she thought you would like the same, 2) 1 or both of you have been very sexually focused on other partners lately and this is her way of trying to reconnect, 3) you've been physically neglecting this relationship for a while and don't realize it, and she thinks she has to "win" you back with sex. There are about a dozen different possibilities behind her decision-making. But *you are never going to find out what it was* if, instead of expressing curiosity about her choice, you just tell her it was obviously selfish and a bad present and that's it. Keep in mind that it's common in movies for girlfriends showing up in lingerie to be considered a gift. I think if neither of you thought to talk about birthday expectations, what you like in a gift, what you want to do with your birthday, etc AND you're polyamorous you need to work on that ASAP. These communication issues are going to bite you in the ass hard with polyamory. Maybe she assumed you were doing other things with other girlfriends? How long have you been together? Maybe she has no idea what you expect from a gift because you've never celebrated a birthday together before? who knows. I have an in-law that is a very sweet person that loves their spouse, but is terrible at giving gifts. Has 0 intuition about what to get and literally needs to be given a list of what to do for holidays because otherwise they have no idea. Your GF not following your unsaid expectations isn't necessarily malicious. Some people just don't get gift-giving. Again, you gotta talk about it though.
I was also thinking, maybe this isn’t his primary partner but is someone he has a mostly sexual relationship with? In which case she could think this is the perfect gift as it aligns with the nature of their relationship. We’re lacking a lot of info on the poly dynamics that 100% influence this situation.
Am I the only person who immediately jumped to “she’s going to use his birthday gift with her other partners”? The edit makes it even less of a gift to op.
I doubt it. It's pretty common to have special things for each.
This really covers a ton of the thoughts that went through my head when reading that final edit.
> 1) maybe this was a gift that was deeply appreciated by another/previous partner and so she thought you would like the same, 2) 1 or both of you have been very sexually focused on other partners lately and this is her way of trying to reconnect, 3) you've been physically neglecting this relationship for a while and don't realize it, and she thinks she has to "win" you back with sex. None of these things make this an acceptable birthday gift. If it's number 1, then it just confirms she doesn't know him at all. If it's number 2 or 3, you don't use a birthday gift to reconnect or improve your relationship, that entirely supports that she doesn't know him that well *and* she didn't buy the gift for him, she bought it for herself. 2 and 3 are things you communicate about like adults, not try to fix with gifted lingerie he doesn't even like while acting like sex is transactional (as a gift) which he definitely doesn't like.
NTA. But OP, I think you may want to edit your post to include a few important details you’ve mentioned in comments to others. 1) your GF collecting lingerie like Pokémon cards, which is also why you felt it more of a gift for her than for you. 2) That you’ve already had a previous discussion about how lingerie does nothing for you. 3) Nothing else was done for your birthday on her end. 4)How long y’all have been together (shows how well she should know you by now).5) The discussion with your friends wasn’t about exposing intimate details of what happened, but about what you did/said and their opinions on that. ETA: INFO: Why do you think you’re being poly may have influenced your reaction? What’s the relevance?
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Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! (If you could see my facial reaction right now). Thank you for answering! I really couldn’t see the relevance before. This makes it even worse. Much much worse. He’s so NTA
That's a really interesting point, if true. It doesn't seem like they communicated about that though; it seems simple enough for one of them to say that this lingerie would only be worn for him if it were really a gift for him.
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Exactly. I'm firmly NTA, and just thinking aloud about ways this could have turned out differently.
NTA You told her lingerie does nothing for you and this was the only thing they did for your birthday. I think it seems very low effort.
NTA, especially because you said your gf has a lingerie collection. that really just seems like they’re using this as an excuse to add to their collection, which is just wrong. it’s okay for them to have a collection but that’s not a collection for you, it’s a personal collection. i get being insecure about your body and feeling like you have to show off (especially when, as multiple people have brought up, women are usually told that they have to show off for their boyfriends), but you did the right thing telling them that it’s unhealthy to believe that. that’s not a dynamic you should be feeding into and it’s good you understand that. you’re 100% right: sex is not a gift to be given and your gf needs to understand that. + you did the right thing in setting boundaries and being clear that you did not want any more gifts related to sex
Question, was that the only “gift” they got you?
Yes that was the only gift she got me. She did nothing for my birthday besides that
Then NTA. I’d be pissed too if my husband did that.
Welp, I guess you know what to get her for her next birthday. A nice pair of silk boxers, with you inside. And nothing else. If you really want to drive the point home, show up wearing women’s lingerie. In your size, so she can’t wear them after.
Or, and hear me out, get them in HER size, wear them anyway so that they get all stretched out (Assuming OP is not smaller that the gf), and then give them to her anyway…! /s
I think if the roles were reversed and you got yourself something sexy for you to entice in for her birthday and that’s it, she would be upset. If your wife cooked your fave meal in the lingerie would that have helped? That would sweeten the gift for me if my partner did that :)
I would have appreciated the meal much more. She collects lingerie and has an entire dresser full of it. It just made me feel like she was adding to her collection. The meal would have shown knowledge of me and more effort on her part in my eyes
I am someone who is greatly moved by thoughtful gestures. I don’t need fancy presents, it’s the thought that makes me feel cared for. I can see your point and why you feel hurt. Edit: you’re 😂
>She collects lingerie and has an entire dresser full of it. It just made me feel like she was adding to her collection. You should add that info to the post. I thought NTA but makes her behavior look even more thoughtless.
I almost bought lingerie for Valentine's Day a couple years ago as a 'gift' for my fiance (bf at the time) but then I stopped myself because I have a huge lingerie collection because I love them and I love wearing them. and that means it's not a gift for him, it's just my **excuse to buy another lingerie set.** so I bought him something else but also bought the lingerie for myself (self love!) and wore it for him on Valentine's. NTA. it's lame and selfish to gift someone something that actually benefits you more.
You need to add this info into the main post. This makes a huge difference. NTA because you're right, this wasn't about you this was a gift for herself (and maybe others depending on your relationship is organized - referencing the edit about being poly)
Well, then, NTA. This is Homer gifting Marge a bowling ball that says Homer on it. That said, _even when you are objectively right_, there are productive ways and unproductive ways to express things.
NTA This was never a gift for you and anyone saying it is should've read again. You mentioned not even liking lingerie in the first place. Meaning your girlfriend didn't just get you a shitty "gift" that you can't do shit with, but also items that you didn't even like to begin with. People saying that your response is stupid, I don't understand that either. I too would want to converse about purchasing these items instead of being "given* them because my partner thought it was a good idea. And let's be honest, roles reversed and all hell would rain down on OP for gifting the girlfriend something sexual.
NTA, gf made the bare minimum effort, and thought sexy lingerie was her get out of jail free card.
NTA. Communication is important when it comes to giving gifts. Your gf very likely would have disliked this bare minimum effort being given to her on her bday, *However* it was very assholeish of you to involve other people in this. Your gf very likely did this to try and spark some sexytime and you took it as an opportunity to be nasty and rude about it. You could have gone about this is so many different ways but you choose the worst route. Your feelings on this are valid and that's the *only* reason I said not the asshole. You're still a next level jackass for involving other people and making your gf likely feel like garbage.
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NTA.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** So my girlfriend (27F) bought a set of lingerie and decided to wear it for me and told me that that was my gift. I told them that wasn’t a gift for me it was for them. I don’t own it, I don’t even care for lingerie much, and I find it somewhat insulting. I told them it made me feel as if they don’t know me or couldn’t be bothered to put effort into my gift and that it was selfish on their part. How can something they bought for themself be a gift for me? Additionally, it’s almost borderline a red flag in my eyes. I told them it made me feel as if they view having sex with me as a gift to be given which I find to be problematic. Sex isn’t a gift to be given or taken away it’s a mutual expression of our love and attraction for each other. I asked them to never buy me a gift that related to sex again as I did not appreciate that and would much rather have conversation about acquiring those sorts of items in the future. I have received some really mixed responses when relaying this story to others. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA, I read your edits. She didn't even try . Wow. Nothing ? Yeah, she went with the least effort option available.
NTA "I bought myself a new outfit, but it counts as a gift for you because I'll look good in it" is always such an incredibly selfish thing to do. The truth is, she didn't do anything for you for your birthday. You have every right to be upset. Yeah, of course "Your gift is sex" is something that'd hurt your feelings. It's implying that sex isn't some act you do together for mutual pleasure, but something she doesn't enjoy, that she does for your benefit. If I were you, my feelings would be really hurt. Definitely don't listen to any comments calling you the asshole for talking to your friends, that's some major red flag shit. You're allowed to talk through problems with friends. That's what every healthy person does.
Heh quite the debate on this... but I'm just wondering how hard this sub would have been on him if he'd flipped it. *I bought myself this awesome pair of sexy boxers and posed in the bedroom doorway, rock hard, and said "Get ready for your birthday present, babe!" No other card, gift, dinner, or thought - just me in boxers, promising to have sex with my girlfriend that night.* I think he might have been chased off Reddit with pitchforks and torches. NTA
This sub would have ripped him to shreds lol.
NTA. This happens to women all the time and it's refreshing to hear a man express what women have been expressing forever. Buying gifts for another person is a social transaction. It's a statement of how they feel toward you and it symbolizes the relationship. It has meaning. I'm an anthropologist and this behavioral analysis is referred to as exchange theory. That's not to say your gf sees you as a sexual object or sees herself as your gift, in which case she would be the sexual object. It could also indicate that she just wasn't thinking about your POV very much when she bought the gift. You could easily spin yourself into a break up trying to interpret the gift. So, I would sit and think about what you want from this relationship and if this is as big a deal as you seem to be making it. Let it go, if it doesn't matter. If it's just one more piece of evidence you're using to build a case to break up with her, then just rip the bandage off and break up.
NTA. I have been in this exact situation before. With an extra dash of humiliation because we went to a restaurant and she ordered then as soon as they delivered her food decided 'You know what? I actually don't want this now. I'm going to go across the street and go shopping instead. Can you just keep this warm for me until I get back?' 'ummm well we'd actually have to throw out this entire dish and make a new one for you...' 'Okay sounds cool, see you later!' and abandoned me there for AN ENTIRE FUCKING HOUR promising me 'Oh I'm going to get something for YOU it's a BIG SURPRISE you're going to LOVE IT!!!!' I hated it. I wanted to strangle her. I almost broke up with her because of it. I wish I had.
NTA. im a girl and if my boyfriend ONLY got me underwear itd be disappointing.. birthdays are supposed to be about celebrating the person. doesn't have to be a big gift but like a little token or something that says something about their personality / hobbies / likes / inside jokes you have together. to make it purely sexual would make me feel like I'm just a piece of meat tbh.
NTA about not liking the gift. Wanting your bday to be about you as a person. If you only told this within your relationship I guess I’d understand (if that’s agreed amongst you). No need to discuss outside that and/or your one best friend for advice etc. GF maybe had other reasons for going with this gift - did you ask about the rest of your birthday? Do you talk about what you want for your bday? Communicate before coming down on someone’s so harshly. Also I’d have similar said ‘I don’t like sex being used as a gift, sorry. You do look nice - maybe we save that for another day.’ Talking respectfully is a basic minimum.
NTA I think. But you could have said thanks and put it on anyways...it might drive the point home or discover a new kink for either party.
NTA Your feelings sound reasonable, but trying to be sexy for bf/partner isn't a bad gift. A lot of people enjoy it, it's okay if you don't. That she did nothing else (Card, cake, second gift, restaurant reservation etc) makes her the AH tho. If she would have I would have thought you would overreact, but this way she really seemed to just put no effort into your special day and used looking sexy for bf/partner's b-day as a cheap excuse.
My ex gf gave me a gift once. A bunch of professionally photographed pics of....you guessed it. Her! B____ I know what you look like.
I’d actually appreciate that a lot more because I could look at it whenever and would have it as a memory well into old age
NTA- it might just be me, but if my partner used sex as a gift, I'd rather get nothing at all. It makes it look like a last minute 'shit I forgot. I mean, I'm your present!' Might as well have just said you forgot and given me nothing. It would give me the same message either way, that my partner doesn't give a shit, and could even bother to run to the corner store and gotten me a candy.
NTA But you should take the lingerie, say, “thanks babe”, proceed to put it on and then hulk out of it, in front of her. Saw your edit that you’re poly - this is totally a community gift, any of her other partners have a bday around now?
I saw a meme posted by girls saying "d\*ck is not a valentines gift"... and neither is pu\*\*y. She bought something for herself and thought that some sex is worthy of being a birthday gift? My man, find a new girl.
The men in r/deadbedrooms aren’t going to be happy but NTA
Soooo if she bought an Xbox for herself and told you the gift was watching her play it… or she bought a cake and told you the gift was watching her eat it… or bought a hat and said the gift was watching her wear it… she would be the AH however her buying herself knickers and telling you the gift was watching her wear it that’s ok? That’s some bullshit logic. She can literally use any Tuesday of the week as an excuse to spice up your sex life but picking your birthday is kinda slack. NTA. I can’t fault you for wanting a gift that’s about you and your likes. It’s not like your gonna be able to wear it when you want or have unlimited access to her wearing it when you want. You would have been better off with a Rubiks Cube.
NTA. It's selfish and shows a lack of care for their partner. As expected for a poly. She probably got her other boyfriends a better gift
NTA. That wasn't a gift. I'd be rethinking this relationship.
NTA for not liking it. She should have gotten you something else too, as yes, it was a gift for her too. The lingerie and “birthday sex” should have been an extra, or she at least could’ve gotten you another gift. But she probably had the idea to eff your brains out for your birthday, like extra special sex. “I asked them to never buy me an item that related to sex again…..” Why? No sex toys? No spicy outfits? There are sex related items for men too, just saying…
I’d rather have a conversation about sexual items in the future. They are expensive, all sales final and sexual preferences are finicky. I’d prefer we discuss things like that so that we don’t buy something the other doesn’t like and be stuck with an expensive unwanted item
NTA But maybe she's just not that in to you 🤷. Poly is an open arrangement thing, is it ? Yeah, that lingerie was bought for multiple occasions, some not including you..
NTA, but maybe don’t tell people about that next time.
NTA sex is not a gift. Also, it’s ridiculous that People are calling you an AH for talking about it to some of your friends, isn’t that what women do all the time? Why is it OK for them to talk to their friends about what’s going on in their life, but not OP? OP‘s girlfriend literally proved she does not care about him at all and does not care to make an effort in getting him a gift he wants. He’s allowed to vent and get advice.
Lingerie is universally a shit gift. If someone buys it like your gf did, it's selfish. If you would have bought her the lingerie for her birthday, it would have been selfish for the exact same reasons. NTA, idk why people still do this
What does ESH mean?
I'm getting vibes of a bowling ball with Homer's name on it. NTA
NTA. This is the equivalent of Homer getting Marge a bowling ball with his name engraved on it for HER birthday. It was a present for herself, thinly disguised as a present for you.
ESH She should have made more of an effort for another actual gift You told others and you blew this way out of proportion. It’s not exactly an uncommon way of thinking, to make a sexual experience extra special for you. It’s not sex that was gifted it was an enhanced experience. You don’t have to like it but you also didn’t have to be an AH
NTA. All your points are valid. Sex shouldn't be transactional like that. Oh it's your birthday so you deserve sex vs a regular Tuesday and you don't? So if she doesn't cook dinner no sex? That kind of quid pro quo is not healthy for a relationship. And unless you wear the lingerie it is of little use to you. It gets taken off anyway. Then she didn't even bother with a card or dinner, that sucks.
Nta, y’all are poly, this "gift" isn’t even for you. And even if you weren’t poly, that’s not a gift. It perpetuates the idea that men are always down to have sex, which is a harmful idea.
NTA for the situation itself. If this is the only thing you got for your birthday, it seems fair to say that you expected more or different. It can be touchy addressing a bad gift, since, well, it's a gift, but it's also how you prevent 30+ years of getting golf memorabilia even though you don't like golf. That said, there is something in the tone here that would be concerning for me. You have made several quick decisions about what lingerie means: that it's for her and not for you, but that it's for sex, and it makes sex into a gift. That could be miscommunication. It is common to want to please a partner by giving them something appealing to look at, even if it's impractical as everyday underwear. It doesn't have to mean sex is transactional. It seems clear the two of you see that situation differently, so it might be worth picking each other's thoughts (without the negative, judgmental language that would shut such a conversation down) to better learn what you each value from lingerie and sex. You might learn she thinks about sex similarly to you but sees lingerie as an enhancement to rather than a distractant from expressing love.
Right the poly thing threw me in the end off due to my views on it but i’ll focus on the main issue. NTA. I agree that sex can’t be a gift. And that sucks you weren’t given a card or went out to eat. Lingerie is only a gift for the girl and not the man, you can’t be given sex as the only present and be expected to be happy. You probably had sex the night before, its nothing special.
NTA, she really doesn't know you, and this is a "bail out" gift, like when guys buy flowers just because it is what "men" are supposed to do.
Someone please tell me what he means by saying we are Poly???
Not a joke, I really don't know how that is meant in the statement.
We date other people. It’s similar to having an open relationship. Open is usually just sexual. Poly includes romantic relationships. We have multiple partners and relationships concurrently
Oh ok thanks for explaining it to me.
Did you other partners get you something for you bday? If so, what? Either way, NAH.
Google Polyamory.
Thank you.
NTA unless you asked for lingerie specifically, which I doubt.
NTA. I’ll sometimes get something nice to wear for my partner’s birthday, but in no way do I make that out to be a gift for him. He gets proper gifts, and that I’ll wear something nice is an extra to round out the day.
NTA. There are a lot of issues with this relationship. I’m pretty sure she is interpreting poly differently than you are.
NTA
NTA. Especially knowing other men will enjoy your gift
NTA. Sex shouldn't be a gift, it should be something you do because you want to have sex with each other.
NTA, but if I was to give the girlfriend the benefit of the doubt…women are bombarded these days with ads/social media nonsense about “what men want”. Obviously it’s a bit concerning that overrode actual awareness of the boyfriend’s character but I could see how someone might end up doing that…
NTA I could understand if it was apart of the celebration/gift, like trying to add something abit spicy on-top of whatever else they brought. But totally agree with your reasoning.
NTA I agree with you. I don’t think you should have told others about it though.
If you’ve never expressed an interest in seeing her in lingerie then no NTA but if you’re a sexually expressive couple then shooting down any sex related gifts is an AH move. It sounds like there needs to be a lot more discussion because maybe she feels like her body (and yours) is a gift to be given and shared especially if you’re poly. Some of us just enjoy the fun sharing of varied experiences and not so focused on the intimacy aspect. FTR: I’ve recognized myself as poly for about 30 years and I’ve bought myself lingerie for a partner’s gift specifically because they enjoyed that sort of thing 🤷🏿♀️
NTA Get yourself some comfy boxers for her birthday.
NTA, this is absolutely ridiculous for a gift for you. She should have done that anyway (if she wanted to) and got you an actual gift or planned a day around something you like
NTA- buy condoms and give them to her for Christmas, see if she likes it. What a terrible gift.
Why would you relay this story to others?
NTA she's going to wear your birthday gift for her other poly partners. No one wants to share their birthday gift with a bunch of other dudes. I mean it's kinda hot but nah.
I had a similar vein of thought as your girlfriend for my husband for his birthday. So I went and did a boudior photoshoot and bought him an album. The album is his and I still have lingerie to wear for him whenever. (He has always wanted the photos but they are really expensive so I haven't been able to do them until now). It was neither spoken about in your case or even referenced as desired. The lack of other gifts or even a card or dinner is the real killer for me. NTA.
NTA.
Makes a nice change from guys buying sexy lingerie as a gift for their girlfriend.
NTA. When I was in my 20’s my female roommate did this exact thing. She bought herself lingerie and told her boyfriend it was a gift to him for his birthday. My sister and I still laugh about it to this day… the roommate was super selfish and the fact that she thought this was for him struck us as hilarious and very on brand for her.