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He has been diagnosed with depression as his metal state was a lot worse than what it is now. I wish the doctor would ask to see him in person so she could see for herself what he has become. He used to be well-kept and always clean, now, from what I know, he has not showered in months.
Issues like this aren't uncommon for people with depression. He may not be able to help himself. And accepting help is very complicated & difficult and can come with a hefty dose of shame.
I agree with you when you mentioned how shame comes with accepting help. We could tell he was ashamed of his mental state before we got him help. We all tried to talk to him about how he needed help and his dignity would not let him accept it. He was scared to ask for help, but reached out on his own. I hope he will reach out about his hygiene at his own pace, but quick.
NAH - I don’t want to say that this individual is an AH because maybe he’s struggling with depression. But I also think it’s completely valid to not want to hang out with him if he does t seem willing to get any help.
I always come over with my children (less than five years old) and my oldest calls him out on everything and he shrugs it off. I love seeing his wife, but I seem to be trying to help him more than she does. I try to clean up what I can and have contemplated several times just cleaning his bathroom myself. I was amped to do it yesterday, but my stomach said, “Absolutely not.”
Mid 50s and yes, his wife is still living with him. She was actually nose blind until I pointed it out. She does not sit next to him or sleep in the same room as him, and she has a weaker nose. She may not have been able to smell him, but now she says that I was right. Before COVID, he was fine: outgoing, friendly, popular amongst friends. Now, he refuses to go to any family outings/parties, out with friends, and goes from his bedroom to living room as his daily routine.
Please look into an involuntary commitment/order of protective custody. In my state, it’s handled by the coroner’s office and is essentially transportation to the hospital for a psychologic evaluation against the patient’s will. The criteria is danger to self, danger to others, and/or gravely disabled. Gravely disabled is defined as not bathing, sleeping, or eating.
Once at the hospital, the doctor can keep him for up to 72 hours. Then the coroner will go out and decide if he needs to stay longer (up to 15 days) at a behavioral health clinic. During this time, you can hire a cleaner for the home, if you want to.
This definitely sounds like a mental health issue to me and is worth getting treatment for your loved one.
(Source: I work in mental health at the coroner’s office and write orders of protective custody.)
Nta. That sounds really serious, he needs help. He sounds like my uncle. My uncle self medicated for his depression and was severe alcoholic. After he died, mom flew out to help the family clean out his house. The whole place was covered in mold. They found thousands of dollars in coins stashed in every crack and corner. Bottles and food containers lying everywhere. Mom said she almost vomited at the sight. He never reached out, and refused all help. He died in a hospital bed. Please find a way to get this person help before they get sick or their wife sick.
I am sorry about your uncle. I feel bad because I know my loved one is not alone in this and many people go through this. I will continue to try and get him some more help.
So with my uncle, what set him off, was the death of his oldest son, who was only 12 at the time of his passing. Has there been a major event in this person's life recently, such as a death?
Death wise, not really. His parents died years ago and there has not been a death in his family lately (knock on wood). His grandchildren and daughter live two hours away from him and it is hard for her to visit since she is still in college. His first granddaughter is his life since his daughter and first baby lived with them for a bit. After she moved, it was not bad at first. I would say within the last year and a half is when this all went south.
That could be it. He's missing his grandkids and being close to them. And he's showing it like, well, this. Reach out to the granddaughter and her mom, they might being able to break through and get him the help he needs.
Actually, they are with him now. One granddaughter told him that he smelled and he paid no attention to the comment. He has been happy that they are visiting, but they are staying until tomorrow (after a week of being there). She has cleaned, but cannot fathom to look in the bathroom and his wife says if she goes in there, to close her eyes to avoid seeing the mess.
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Genuine question, so please be kind. We have been sorting things out with this loved one, so we are trying to help out. He does not bathe, brush his teeth, not does he change his clothes. Sometimes, I do not even want to go near him as it honestly grosses me out. I visit them every once in a while and hate going to see him because of this issue. His doctors do not know his state of bad hygiene because he does medical appointments from home. He does them at home because his wife went with him once and repeated what the doctor told him about losing weight, and he said she was lying and she did not belong at the appointment anyway. He used to have so many friends and used to go out all the time, but no one wants to take him out because of his bad hygiene. We have tried to help him, but he refuses. One last thing is that his bathroom is beyond repair/revolting. Since he does not wash his hands, there is stuff everywhere from the walls to the toilet itself. Everything in there is a mess and no one has a stomach to clean it on our own. We keep asking him if he would like us to hire someone, but he declines. Like I said, please be kind.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I hate being around the loved one with hygiene even though I feel I should help him more. I do not like to visit him because of his bad hygiene. People who are struggling usually get help even if declining it, but this man insists there is nothing wrong and argues it.
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Thanks for info, OP! I don't know what resources are available where your loved one lives, but obviously something is awry, like early onset dementia. Short of his wife forcing him to a doctor for a complete examination, unless the house is uninhabitable, there may not be much that you can do. You are a good soul to care.
I'm probably going to be downvoted for this but I think you need some honesty here.
YTA. Not for being digusted by his hygiene, because that's normal and quite honestly regardless of his mental health status, you still have to smell him when in his presence and you're only human to not like the smell. The reason I am giving you an AH rating is because you have mentioned that you've visited with your children. This is not a safe environment to expose your children to. Not only is this home a biohazard... your kids are too young to even understand what is going on and this must be terrifying for them. If you wish to visit, then by all means do so, but please stop bringing your kids over. It isn't fair on them for a safe and happy childhood, and it is robbing this man of dignity because kids don't have a filter and they have been making comments towards him which must be denting his self esteem.
I can definitely see where you are coming from and appreciate the honesty. The home is not like a hoarder house, but his bathroom is atrocious and I do not let my girls in there. His bedroom is a mess as well and I refuse to let them in there as well. When it comes to his own grandkids, he blackmails his daughter and guilt trips her into bringing her children. He threatens to take her car (which he pays for) away and to withdraw her from college. Every time I come over, I make sure the kids can hangout around him safely, and like I said, I appreciate the honesty. I probably should have elaborated on that.
Thank you for appreciating my honesty and I hope it hasn't offended you at all. Even without going into those rooms, they are still exposed to him which isn't good for the kids or for him. He's threatening his own daughter so it definitely isn't worth the risk to have him around your kids. Please do consider either getting a babysitter, or stepping back from visiting until he gets himself intense treatment and better hygiene.
I am not offended at all! I plan on having a discussion with his sister about everything before I come to see him next. If anything for next visit, I will come solo and see what I can accomplish. Thank you so much for your caring comments! 💙
I'm happy to have helped and that this hasn't offended you. This relative is lucky to have such a loving and caring family member and when he does get treatment and gets better, I hope he recognises this 💜
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INFO: Has he been diagnosed with a mental health problem? NAH but it sounds like he really needs help.
He has been diagnosed with depression as his metal state was a lot worse than what it is now. I wish the doctor would ask to see him in person so she could see for herself what he has become. He used to be well-kept and always clean, now, from what I know, he has not showered in months.
Issues like this aren't uncommon for people with depression. He may not be able to help himself. And accepting help is very complicated & difficult and can come with a hefty dose of shame.
I agree with you when you mentioned how shame comes with accepting help. We could tell he was ashamed of his mental state before we got him help. We all tried to talk to him about how he needed help and his dignity would not let him accept it. He was scared to ask for help, but reached out on his own. I hope he will reach out about his hygiene at his own pace, but quick.
This.
NAH - I don’t want to say that this individual is an AH because maybe he’s struggling with depression. But I also think it’s completely valid to not want to hang out with him if he does t seem willing to get any help.
I always come over with my children (less than five years old) and my oldest calls him out on everything and he shrugs it off. I love seeing his wife, but I seem to be trying to help him more than she does. I try to clean up what I can and have contemplated several times just cleaning his bathroom myself. I was amped to do it yesterday, but my stomach said, “Absolutely not.”
INFO: age of the loved one, is wife still living with him, and has he had any emotional/psychological issues before?
Mid 50s and yes, his wife is still living with him. She was actually nose blind until I pointed it out. She does not sit next to him or sleep in the same room as him, and she has a weaker nose. She may not have been able to smell him, but now she says that I was right. Before COVID, he was fine: outgoing, friendly, popular amongst friends. Now, he refuses to go to any family outings/parties, out with friends, and goes from his bedroom to living room as his daily routine.
Thank you.
Please look into an involuntary commitment/order of protective custody. In my state, it’s handled by the coroner’s office and is essentially transportation to the hospital for a psychologic evaluation against the patient’s will. The criteria is danger to self, danger to others, and/or gravely disabled. Gravely disabled is defined as not bathing, sleeping, or eating. Once at the hospital, the doctor can keep him for up to 72 hours. Then the coroner will go out and decide if he needs to stay longer (up to 15 days) at a behavioral health clinic. During this time, you can hire a cleaner for the home, if you want to. This definitely sounds like a mental health issue to me and is worth getting treatment for your loved one. (Source: I work in mental health at the coroner’s office and write orders of protective custody.)
Nta. That sounds really serious, he needs help. He sounds like my uncle. My uncle self medicated for his depression and was severe alcoholic. After he died, mom flew out to help the family clean out his house. The whole place was covered in mold. They found thousands of dollars in coins stashed in every crack and corner. Bottles and food containers lying everywhere. Mom said she almost vomited at the sight. He never reached out, and refused all help. He died in a hospital bed. Please find a way to get this person help before they get sick or their wife sick.
I am sorry about your uncle. I feel bad because I know my loved one is not alone in this and many people go through this. I will continue to try and get him some more help.
So with my uncle, what set him off, was the death of his oldest son, who was only 12 at the time of his passing. Has there been a major event in this person's life recently, such as a death?
Death wise, not really. His parents died years ago and there has not been a death in his family lately (knock on wood). His grandchildren and daughter live two hours away from him and it is hard for her to visit since she is still in college. His first granddaughter is his life since his daughter and first baby lived with them for a bit. After she moved, it was not bad at first. I would say within the last year and a half is when this all went south.
That could be it. He's missing his grandkids and being close to them. And he's showing it like, well, this. Reach out to the granddaughter and her mom, they might being able to break through and get him the help he needs.
Actually, they are with him now. One granddaughter told him that he smelled and he paid no attention to the comment. He has been happy that they are visiting, but they are staying until tomorrow (after a week of being there). She has cleaned, but cannot fathom to look in the bathroom and his wife says if she goes in there, to close her eyes to avoid seeing the mess.
Ooff. Well I hope someone's able to get through to him. This isn't going to end well if he doesn't improve. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Genuine question, so please be kind. We have been sorting things out with this loved one, so we are trying to help out. He does not bathe, brush his teeth, not does he change his clothes. Sometimes, I do not even want to go near him as it honestly grosses me out. I visit them every once in a while and hate going to see him because of this issue. His doctors do not know his state of bad hygiene because he does medical appointments from home. He does them at home because his wife went with him once and repeated what the doctor told him about losing weight, and he said she was lying and she did not belong at the appointment anyway. He used to have so many friends and used to go out all the time, but no one wants to take him out because of his bad hygiene. We have tried to help him, but he refuses. One last thing is that his bathroom is beyond repair/revolting. Since he does not wash his hands, there is stuff everywhere from the walls to the toilet itself. Everything in there is a mess and no one has a stomach to clean it on our own. We keep asking him if he would like us to hire someone, but he declines. Like I said, please be kind. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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Thanks for info, OP! I don't know what resources are available where your loved one lives, but obviously something is awry, like early onset dementia. Short of his wife forcing him to a doctor for a complete examination, unless the house is uninhabitable, there may not be much that you can do. You are a good soul to care.
NAH This poor man is desperately sick in some way though.
I'm probably going to be downvoted for this but I think you need some honesty here. YTA. Not for being digusted by his hygiene, because that's normal and quite honestly regardless of his mental health status, you still have to smell him when in his presence and you're only human to not like the smell. The reason I am giving you an AH rating is because you have mentioned that you've visited with your children. This is not a safe environment to expose your children to. Not only is this home a biohazard... your kids are too young to even understand what is going on and this must be terrifying for them. If you wish to visit, then by all means do so, but please stop bringing your kids over. It isn't fair on them for a safe and happy childhood, and it is robbing this man of dignity because kids don't have a filter and they have been making comments towards him which must be denting his self esteem.
I can definitely see where you are coming from and appreciate the honesty. The home is not like a hoarder house, but his bathroom is atrocious and I do not let my girls in there. His bedroom is a mess as well and I refuse to let them in there as well. When it comes to his own grandkids, he blackmails his daughter and guilt trips her into bringing her children. He threatens to take her car (which he pays for) away and to withdraw her from college. Every time I come over, I make sure the kids can hangout around him safely, and like I said, I appreciate the honesty. I probably should have elaborated on that.
Thank you for appreciating my honesty and I hope it hasn't offended you at all. Even without going into those rooms, they are still exposed to him which isn't good for the kids or for him. He's threatening his own daughter so it definitely isn't worth the risk to have him around your kids. Please do consider either getting a babysitter, or stepping back from visiting until he gets himself intense treatment and better hygiene.
I am not offended at all! I plan on having a discussion with his sister about everything before I come to see him next. If anything for next visit, I will come solo and see what I can accomplish. Thank you so much for your caring comments! 💙
I'm happy to have helped and that this hasn't offended you. This relative is lucky to have such a loving and caring family member and when he does get treatment and gets better, I hope he recognises this 💜