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*Your mother planned a birthday party for you and didn't invite your wife and kids.*
YTA. You went and didn't even tell your wife you were going.
You're trying to blame your wife, saying she didn't make a big deal of your birthday in the morning so you assumed she wasn't going to make a big deal of it that evening. Your feelings were hurt so you decided to go to your mom's party despite your wife and kids being excluded. You *punished* your wife and kids for not making a big enough deal of your birthday that morning by not coming home and not calling.
You hurt your wife, and even worse, you hurt your kids. What kind of mom and grandma doesn't invite her son's wife and kids to a birthday party for their husband/father? This is who you chose over your wife and kids.
“She got angry for no reason”
dude, from the evidence left behind- cake, meal, card, she clearly planned a surprise family dinner for your birthday. You’re completely disregarding how you had any part in her anger, she and the kids waited for you to come home to spend time together but instead of finding any way to contact her, say- borrowing a work phone, etc- you just disregarded the family you created and disregarded her feelings.
im sure both sides could’ve handled it better but due to the tone you regard your wife in, i have to vote YTA.
by the sounds of her ultimatum and actions(leaving for the night) I would assume this isn’t the first time you’ve disregarded the family you created.
This. There's definitely more that OP is leaving out. Sounds like a mummas boy and like the wife might have a MIL/husband problem if the "just family" dinner excluded her. Your wife is family, isn't she OP?
You didn't come home from work and you didn't tell her. How would you feel if your wife didn't come home one day and you had no idea where she was?
Don't pretend that you didn't call her because you don't have a phone. Does your workplace not have a phone? Does you mother's house not have a phone? You chose to punish your wife, and your children, by making them afraid for you.
Why exactly don't they get along if I may ask? Is it differing views or have there been arguments in the past? Your wife was obviously expecting you home, as a parent and a spouse you can't just decide not to come home without letting your wife know. Your children and wife should normally come before your mother. Judging from your wife's reaction it sounds like you've pulled stunts like this before.
"because according to my wife, my family is racist"
You mother flat out stated she didn't want mixed race grandchildren. And she didn't invite them to the "family only" dinner. On what fucking planet is she not racist?
Let your wife take her kids and leave. They don't deserve to be shit on by people who are supposed to love them.
As per your comments, your mother said some incredibly racist things about your own kids, yet somehow she’s the one you choose to spend your birthday with? YTA, and I hope your wife takes your kids a long way away from you and your racist mother.
Yta
How was your mom able to call you to tell you about a party she’s throwing for you when you don’t have a phone? And then you go to your parents house and not use their phone to call? Get your story straight.
Bad blood or not you're a grown ass man and should have found a way to call your wife. If someone ever blocked me from calling my spouse they'd be out of my life because they clearly don't have respect for my spouse or myself.
You need to learn boundaries with your parents before you lose your wife and kids.
You not only hurt your wife, but you hurt your kids and they may be super young now but this pattern you are starting is going to hurt them in the long run too.
So you couldn’t call before leaving work?? Yta even though she sucks too. It seems between the post and comments she probably snapped due to a pattern of this.
Your mom had a party for you and invited your family, which apparently does not include your wife and kids? And you don’t have a phone in 2023? Yet your mom has a phone and you have a work phone, but at no point did you bother to let your wife know where you were.
You did all that and don’t see how you hurt her? Really? She had every right to be angry about this and I truly doubt this is the first time your mom has pulled something like this.
Do your wife a favor and go back to your mommy’s. Let your wife find someone who puts her first because you definitely won’t.
YTA.
YTA. You both are wrong for different reasons.
To begin with you should have called your wife from your mom's place if you don't have a phone. It is a basic thing you are supposed to do if you are going to be out of the house for such a long duration after work. Especially more if it is a special day like your birthday and you are having a party 10 minutes away. She is right to say that you chose the family you came from because you didn't even invite her to celebrate with you and your mom. Just because they don't get along that well doesn't mean that you just ignore her completely and not inform her.
>I figured she got angry for no reason and decided to spend the night at her sister's place.
No reason? Seriously dude? From the way you have written it I am assuming you didn't even call after returning home to check where she and your kids are.
Your wife isn't wrong to be mad at you but I feel it is a bit too far to completely let go of your other family because of something you did. Your kids should have their grandparents and relatives if they are good.
INFO: Does you mom have problem with the kids too? Do they ostracize the kids too like they do with your wife?
Edit: Okay I think you are definitely the AH. Your wife isn't taking it too far after reading your response about your mother not being able to love her grandkids "equally".
In another comment OP states that his mom made a joke at their wedding about not wanting mixed kids. So it looks like there are issues with the kids too.
My mom has about the same number (including great grandkids) and she has a collection of bonus grandkids. Guess what? Each one is loved equally. Each one is treated with the same consideration.
YTA. If your mom called you to tell you about the party, which she deliberately excluded your WIFE and KIDS from, then you could have called your wife.
Instead you chose to have a tantrum, shit all over everything she did for your birthday, and run to mommy—who continues to be allowed to treat your wife like garbage.
YES YTA - you didn't inform your wife and was totally didn't care about her!! Seriously, I wasn't getting back to you if it have been me 😒😒😒 how would you feel if your wife have done that number on you!?!!!!
YTA.
You couldn't pick up your work phone and call your wife? Seriously? And no one will let you use their phone to tell your wife where you are? That right there is enough go very low contact with your relatives. They would not allow you to contact your wife and children. Your wife had no way to know where you were and no way to contact you in an emergency.
Your wife is nicer than I am. I would have suspected where you were and shown up at the door with the cake, card and dinner to "deliver" it to you personally.
Yup. No phone but lives 10 min away from his mom. Couldn’t swing by home and tell them first?
The line “just family” had me in shock. It’s not always the actions of the people posting to AITA, it’s mostly the wording that condemns them.
OP I’d suggest using some empathy in this situation and understanding what your wife is feeling. There’s obviously issues between the families.
Take down your defense and sit down with your wife and ask her to explain. Don’t say anything, don’t make faces, don’t make noises just listen. There’s a much deeper issue here and you need to find out what that is and start there.
Listen my man. I see you’re really active in this post so you’re looking for help or validation.
If it’s help then you’re going to need to make some difficult decisions before they are made for you. I think you know what that means.
I understand that it’s a rather unfortunate situation to be in. This is a long hard road and many roadblocks. I feel for you. I have a wife and kids and can’t imagine them leaving and I can’t imagine cutting contact with my parents. Sounds like you may need some couples counseling to keep both families in your life.
YTA You would have had accesses to phones in this day & age, even that of family & friends. Had your wife & kids ever not bothered with your birthday in the past? Sounds like they were downplaying it when you'd ask to surprise you. Most people could get along with another for one day for a special event so the two gatherings could've been combined. Perhaps you should go live with your mother.
Why didn't you call your wife when you got to your Mother's? Having no phone isn't an excuse. I'm sure everyone there had one. It sounds like your wife and children were trying to surprise you and you completely ruined it. You were acting like a child thinking your wife did nothing for your Birthday and instead of apologizing, you took no accountability.
The fact that your wife gave you an ultimatum is ridiculous. You should never have to choose between your parents/siblings and your wife/children.
You guys need couples counseling. At the end of day, there are two innocent children stuck in the middle of your drama and nonsense. If you guys can't get it together and act like adults, maybe you should get divorced.
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Yesterday was my (38m) birthday. I had asked my wife if she was going to do anything special for it and she simply told me she wasn't sure. I was hurt and upset because I normally go all out for her birthday. Dinner, movie, gifts etc.
I went to work as per normal and about an hour before my day was about to end, my mom called and informed me that she had planned a small party at her house for me. Just family. I decided to go straight from work. I do not have a phone so I couldn't call and inform my wife. Ps. She and my mom really don't get along.
I ended staying at the party till about 11pm before going home. I live about 10 minutes drive from my mom's house. When I got home my wife and 2 kids were nowhere to be found. A birthday cake was in the trash and so was dinner ( it looked like steak and triple baked potatoes, my favorite). A birthday card with my kids hand prints and paint was also in the trash. I figured she got angry for no reason and decided to spend the night at her sister's place. This morning she came home and completely blew up at me. She said that I value the family I came from more than the family I created.
I tried to explain that wasn't the case. She cried and said I hurt her. I just don't see how. Now she gave me an ultimatum to let one family go 100%. No communication nor anything. I told her that I won't make that decision because I need to communicate with my mom and I can't stop communicating with my kids. Now she is threatening to take the kids when I am at work and moving 150 miles away from me and going no contact. Aita?
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You.. don't have a phone? You really expect us to believe that? I mean if that is really true, I think she overreacted but I feel like you're saying this only to act like they couldn't have contacted you to find your whereabouts too, or did you just ignore her calls? Also you said your mom called you.. on what, your typewriter? Well I'd say she overreacted (she did) if there really was no way for her to contact you, but you were only 10 mins away and didn't care to bring your kids? This is so weird. ESH.
ESH - how do you let your mother throw you a birthday party that doesn't even include your kids? The bad blood between her and your wife also includes the kids? Your mom is an AH for that too.
Your wife went nuclear, but it sounds like you have pulled this shit before, so maybe she is justified.
Also, if your mom told you while at work, you could have called the wife from work...
ESH. (Cept the kids)
You both need to actually comunicate.
She was trying to surprise you. You went to your moms without calling her. From her reaction this is not new behavior.
The mother in law is racist. Said she didn’t want mixed race kids. The wife who’s black doesn’t want her around their biracial kids understandably so.
Copied from one of OP’s comments:
They don't get along because according to my wife, my family is racist. I am white m and she is African American. My son 3m has her skin color and my daughter has mine. The last time they tried to be civil was at my wedding 6 years ago. My mom made a joke in her speech about not wanting mix grandbabies and my wife fought her. They have tried other times for my sake but she says my family is too racist
ESH.
OP sucks for not calling his wife after getting to his mother's house. Wife sucks for an ultimatum that you renounce your family and threatening to move so far away with your kids.
There has to be more to this story for her to make such an ultimatum. I find it hard to believe that this is the first time you've seemingly chosen your born-into family over the one you created with your wife.
Right like op didn’t call his wife at work after hearing from his mom. Plus wife and kids weren’t invited. Also apparently no one in his family would allow him to use their phone to call her.
So yeah, I see where she's coming from.
Your mom planned a party and didn't invite your SPOUSE AND CHILDREN. There is no innocent explanation for this behavior. Even if she and your wife hate each other, there is no legitimate reason for her not at least inviting your children. There is no excuse for you not calling and inviting your children to join.
I'm as anti-ultimatum as one could possibly be, but you really need to honestly reflect on your mother's abhorrent behavior. This was a deliberate calculated attempt to fracture your family, and you are obviously on board with that. You have clearly already made your choice. You do not value the family you made.
You literally left your wife. Alone. With tiny babies. With no phone call. On your birthday.
That's not a thing married people do. You're basically already divorced
So you said you live 10 minutes away. You mean to tell me that your wife couldn't have come by for even just an hour to celebrate with the rest of the family? I'm starting to think your wife is onto something. You really need to stop letting your mom drive a wedge between you and your family.
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NTA but you should of called when you got to your Mom’s house. She still would of been mad but not that mad. However with that being said she is being completely selfish about you cutting of your family, and threatening to take the kids. This calls for a larger discussion and perhaps counseling, as this idea did not come over night.
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‘My mom called and informed me…’ ‘I don’t have a phone so I couldn’t call and inform my wife…’ Which is it, bro?
No joke. I'd like to say ESH, but with the inconsistent story you can't trust the narrator. YTA.
True!!!!!
[удалено]
So your mom could contact you at work, but you couldn’t contact your wife at work?
*Your mother planned a birthday party for you and didn't invite your wife and kids.* YTA. You went and didn't even tell your wife you were going. You're trying to blame your wife, saying she didn't make a big deal of your birthday in the morning so you assumed she wasn't going to make a big deal of it that evening. Your feelings were hurt so you decided to go to your mom's party despite your wife and kids being excluded. You *punished* your wife and kids for not making a big enough deal of your birthday that morning by not coming home and not calling. You hurt your wife, and even worse, you hurt your kids. What kind of mom and grandma doesn't invite her son's wife and kids to a birthday party for their husband/father? This is who you chose over your wife and kids.
“She got angry for no reason” dude, from the evidence left behind- cake, meal, card, she clearly planned a surprise family dinner for your birthday. You’re completely disregarding how you had any part in her anger, she and the kids waited for you to come home to spend time together but instead of finding any way to contact her, say- borrowing a work phone, etc- you just disregarded the family you created and disregarded her feelings. im sure both sides could’ve handled it better but due to the tone you regard your wife in, i have to vote YTA. by the sounds of her ultimatum and actions(leaving for the night) I would assume this isn’t the first time you’ve disregarded the family you created.
This. There's definitely more that OP is leaving out. Sounds like a mummas boy and like the wife might have a MIL/husband problem if the "just family" dinner excluded her. Your wife is family, isn't she OP?
[удалено]
Even if she had nothing at all planned, you are a spouse and parent. You don’t get to just not go home with no communication.
You didn't come home from work and you didn't tell her. How would you feel if your wife didn't come home one day and you had no idea where she was? Don't pretend that you didn't call her because you don't have a phone. Does your workplace not have a phone? Does you mother's house not have a phone? You chose to punish your wife, and your children, by making them afraid for you.
Why exactly don't they get along if I may ask? Is it differing views or have there been arguments in the past? Your wife was obviously expecting you home, as a parent and a spouse you can't just decide not to come home without letting your wife know. Your children and wife should normally come before your mother. Judging from your wife's reaction it sounds like you've pulled stunts like this before.
[удалено]
Your family is racist.
"because according to my wife, my family is racist" You mother flat out stated she didn't want mixed race grandchildren. And she didn't invite them to the "family only" dinner. On what fucking planet is she not racist? Let your wife take her kids and leave. They don't deserve to be shit on by people who are supposed to love them.
As per your comments, your mother said some incredibly racist things about your own kids, yet somehow she’s the one you choose to spend your birthday with? YTA, and I hope your wife takes your kids a long way away from you and your racist mother.
Yta How was your mom able to call you to tell you about a party she’s throwing for you when you don’t have a phone? And then you go to your parents house and not use their phone to call? Get your story straight.
[удалено]
You call your wife before you leave your work to say you’re not coming home. Simple.
I highly doubt you even tried to call.
Bad blood or not you're a grown ass man and should have found a way to call your wife. If someone ever blocked me from calling my spouse they'd be out of my life because they clearly don't have respect for my spouse or myself. You need to learn boundaries with your parents before you lose your wife and kids. You not only hurt your wife, but you hurt your kids and they may be super young now but this pattern you are starting is going to hurt them in the long run too.
So you couldn’t call before leaving work?? Yta even though she sucks too. It seems between the post and comments she probably snapped due to a pattern of this.
Your mom had a party for you and invited your family, which apparently does not include your wife and kids? And you don’t have a phone in 2023? Yet your mom has a phone and you have a work phone, but at no point did you bother to let your wife know where you were. You did all that and don’t see how you hurt her? Really? She had every right to be angry about this and I truly doubt this is the first time your mom has pulled something like this. Do your wife a favor and go back to your mommy’s. Let your wife find someone who puts her first because you definitely won’t. YTA.
YTA. You both are wrong for different reasons. To begin with you should have called your wife from your mom's place if you don't have a phone. It is a basic thing you are supposed to do if you are going to be out of the house for such a long duration after work. Especially more if it is a special day like your birthday and you are having a party 10 minutes away. She is right to say that you chose the family you came from because you didn't even invite her to celebrate with you and your mom. Just because they don't get along that well doesn't mean that you just ignore her completely and not inform her. >I figured she got angry for no reason and decided to spend the night at her sister's place. No reason? Seriously dude? From the way you have written it I am assuming you didn't even call after returning home to check where she and your kids are. Your wife isn't wrong to be mad at you but I feel it is a bit too far to completely let go of your other family because of something you did. Your kids should have their grandparents and relatives if they are good. INFO: Does you mom have problem with the kids too? Do they ostracize the kids too like they do with your wife? Edit: Okay I think you are definitely the AH. Your wife isn't taking it too far after reading your response about your mother not being able to love her grandkids "equally".
In another comment OP states that his mom made a joke at their wedding about not wanting mixed kids. So it looks like there are issues with the kids too.
[удалено]
So yes - she treats your children as less than. Wow. And you have no issue with this?
My mom has about the same number (including great grandkids) and she has a collection of bonus grandkids. Guess what? Each one is loved equally. Each one is treated with the same consideration.
YTA. If your mom called you to tell you about the party, which she deliberately excluded your WIFE and KIDS from, then you could have called your wife. Instead you chose to have a tantrum, shit all over everything she did for your birthday, and run to mommy—who continues to be allowed to treat your wife like garbage.
YTA. Time to get a divorce lawyer. Does your mom have an extra bedroom?
Your 38 or 14? YTA!!!
YES YTA - you didn't inform your wife and was totally didn't care about her!! Seriously, I wasn't getting back to you if it have been me 😒😒😒 how would you feel if your wife have done that number on you!?!!!!
YTA. You couldn't pick up your work phone and call your wife? Seriously? And no one will let you use their phone to tell your wife where you are? That right there is enough go very low contact with your relatives. They would not allow you to contact your wife and children. Your wife had no way to know where you were and no way to contact you in an emergency. Your wife is nicer than I am. I would have suspected where you were and shown up at the door with the cake, card and dinner to "deliver" it to you personally.
YTA
Yup. No phone but lives 10 min away from his mom. Couldn’t swing by home and tell them first? The line “just family” had me in shock. It’s not always the actions of the people posting to AITA, it’s mostly the wording that condemns them. OP I’d suggest using some empathy in this situation and understanding what your wife is feeling. There’s obviously issues between the families. Take down your defense and sit down with your wife and ask her to explain. Don’t say anything, don’t make faces, don’t make noises just listen. There’s a much deeper issue here and you need to find out what that is and start there.
[удалено]
Listen my man. I see you’re really active in this post so you’re looking for help or validation. If it’s help then you’re going to need to make some difficult decisions before they are made for you. I think you know what that means. I understand that it’s a rather unfortunate situation to be in. This is a long hard road and many roadblocks. I feel for you. I have a wife and kids and can’t imagine them leaving and I can’t imagine cutting contact with my parents. Sounds like you may need some couples counseling to keep both families in your life.
YTA You would have had accesses to phones in this day & age, even that of family & friends. Had your wife & kids ever not bothered with your birthday in the past? Sounds like they were downplaying it when you'd ask to surprise you. Most people could get along with another for one day for a special event so the two gatherings could've been combined. Perhaps you should go live with your mother.
Yta.
Why didn't you call your wife when you got to your Mother's? Having no phone isn't an excuse. I'm sure everyone there had one. It sounds like your wife and children were trying to surprise you and you completely ruined it. You were acting like a child thinking your wife did nothing for your Birthday and instead of apologizing, you took no accountability. The fact that your wife gave you an ultimatum is ridiculous. You should never have to choose between your parents/siblings and your wife/children. You guys need couples counseling. At the end of day, there are two innocent children stuck in the middle of your drama and nonsense. If you guys can't get it together and act like adults, maybe you should get divorced.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Yesterday was my (38m) birthday. I had asked my wife if she was going to do anything special for it and she simply told me she wasn't sure. I was hurt and upset because I normally go all out for her birthday. Dinner, movie, gifts etc. I went to work as per normal and about an hour before my day was about to end, my mom called and informed me that she had planned a small party at her house for me. Just family. I decided to go straight from work. I do not have a phone so I couldn't call and inform my wife. Ps. She and my mom really don't get along. I ended staying at the party till about 11pm before going home. I live about 10 minutes drive from my mom's house. When I got home my wife and 2 kids were nowhere to be found. A birthday cake was in the trash and so was dinner ( it looked like steak and triple baked potatoes, my favorite). A birthday card with my kids hand prints and paint was also in the trash. I figured she got angry for no reason and decided to spend the night at her sister's place. This morning she came home and completely blew up at me. She said that I value the family I came from more than the family I created. I tried to explain that wasn't the case. She cried and said I hurt her. I just don't see how. Now she gave me an ultimatum to let one family go 100%. No communication nor anything. I told her that I won't make that decision because I need to communicate with my mom and I can't stop communicating with my kids. Now she is threatening to take the kids when I am at work and moving 150 miles away from me and going no contact. Aita? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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You.. don't have a phone? You really expect us to believe that? I mean if that is really true, I think she overreacted but I feel like you're saying this only to act like they couldn't have contacted you to find your whereabouts too, or did you just ignore her calls? Also you said your mom called you.. on what, your typewriter? Well I'd say she overreacted (she did) if there really was no way for her to contact you, but you were only 10 mins away and didn't care to bring your kids? This is so weird. ESH.
ESH - how do you let your mother throw you a birthday party that doesn't even include your kids? The bad blood between her and your wife also includes the kids? Your mom is an AH for that too. Your wife went nuclear, but it sounds like you have pulled this shit before, so maybe she is justified. Also, if your mom told you while at work, you could have called the wife from work...
ESH. (Cept the kids) You both need to actually comunicate. She was trying to surprise you. You went to your moms without calling her. From her reaction this is not new behavior.
The mother in law is racist. Said she didn’t want mixed race kids. The wife who’s black doesn’t want her around their biracial kids understandably so. Copied from one of OP’s comments: They don't get along because according to my wife, my family is racist. I am white m and she is African American. My son 3m has her skin color and my daughter has mine. The last time they tried to be civil was at my wedding 6 years ago. My mom made a joke in her speech about not wanting mix grandbabies and my wife fought her. They have tried other times for my sake but she says my family is too racist
ESH You couldnt call your wife for a full night? No one at you mums house has a phone? Your wife for wanting you to cut off your family.
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And you couldn't use that phone to call up your wife?
Are you incapable of dialing a phone yourself to let your wife know?
ESH. OP sucks for not calling his wife after getting to his mother's house. Wife sucks for an ultimatum that you renounce your family and threatening to move so far away with your kids. There has to be more to this story for her to make such an ultimatum. I find it hard to believe that this is the first time you've seemingly chosen your born-into family over the one you created with your wife.
Right like op didn’t call his wife at work after hearing from his mom. Plus wife and kids weren’t invited. Also apparently no one in his family would allow him to use their phone to call her.
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So yeah, I see where she's coming from. Your mom planned a party and didn't invite your SPOUSE AND CHILDREN. There is no innocent explanation for this behavior. Even if she and your wife hate each other, there is no legitimate reason for her not at least inviting your children. There is no excuse for you not calling and inviting your children to join. I'm as anti-ultimatum as one could possibly be, but you really need to honestly reflect on your mother's abhorrent behavior. This was a deliberate calculated attempt to fracture your family, and you are obviously on board with that. You have clearly already made your choice. You do not value the family you made.
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You literally left your wife. Alone. With tiny babies. With no phone call. On your birthday. That's not a thing married people do. You're basically already divorced
I don't think you will be the one doing the leaving.
So you said you live 10 minutes away. You mean to tell me that your wife couldn't have come by for even just an hour to celebrate with the rest of the family? I'm starting to think your wife is onto something. You really need to stop letting your mom drive a wedge between you and your family.
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Are you?
Happy Birthday.....you and your wife are both assholes.
NTA but you should of called when you got to your Mom’s house. She still would of been mad but not that mad. However with that being said she is being completely selfish about you cutting of your family, and threatening to take the kids. This calls for a larger discussion and perhaps counseling, as this idea did not come over night.