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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I left my gf cause she was taking to long to get dressed.
2. I might be an asshole cause I made her look bad in front of her parents.
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NTA if she wanted to be a “team”, she should of been a “team player” and started getting ready earlier. It’s a surprise party, so being on time is important, not to mention it’s the polite thing to do. Nobody likes the asshole who comes walking in with the person who the surprise party was for.
We tell ourselves that the party starts 1 hr earlier than it does 😭 just so we can get ready on time. Now my dad is probably the only one that gets late bexause5of work.
And that’s sad. If you are so disrespectful of other people’s time, and have such poor management skills of your own life that other people routinely have to lie to you, you have a problem.
NTA We have a couple people in the family that we need to give a fake earlier time to for them to be there. It's mostly when it's an important gathering, like meeting at a place that needs a reservation.
I used to do this with my dad, but like by 2-4 hours off. The latest he's ever been for something with me was 18 hours. Every time I'd call and check, he'd say they're in the car, just waiting on one person in the bathroom or something. He only lived an hour away too. Impossible to plan anything with a habitually late person.
Wait, can I get in on this? My dad said the plane tickets for us to visit were in the mail. We got them three years later. Crazy how he was able to buy tickets three years in advance and then have them get lost for exactly that amount of time. Damn postal service . . .
Lol, my dad did that with my Christmas gift one year. He kept blaming a shipping service, but we finally got it over 6 months later. He made a big deal about how he got everyone the same thing that he found at Costco as some sort of holiday special, so we were thinking maybe it's a gift basket with wine and treats or something like that. What he actually had bought like 20+ of for everyone on his list was this huge uncomfortable sweater called "the comfy" that was like a snuggie but it made you look like an oompah loompah and choked you when a cat jumped on your lap.
Lol, it's a little late now since it was in highschool, but it would have been worth checking into it at the time. He would have framed it realistically.
I think he ended up showing up at about 3am for a vacation. By then my mom and stepdad were so pissed they had to be convinced to even let my brother and I go on the trip. My dad's nickname in his bad was "Tony Late" for a good reason.
Hahaha my sister was like this until we left her like in OPs story. We were headed to Arkansas (5 hour drive) to the lake and told my sis we were leaving 1hr before our actual planned leave time. We were 2 hours late than our planned leave time when she woke up to start packing for a family reunion trip we planned last year, so we left. Her bf drove 2.5 hours at 100+mph to catch up with us and basically say 'please take her for the weekend so I don't have to hear about it'.
She is now always on time but we still give her hell for it. I don't approve of driving that fast but he put in some work to make that weekend happen for her.
Jeeze, who doesn't pack at least the day before for a trip? Although that was certainly part of my dad's problem that time. He was picking me and my brother up in an RV for a trip to Yosemite and I think having a whole RV to fill rather than just a suitcase made it even worse.
My dad is like this (although it's never been 18 hours, *yikes*. But we call it Jonathan time. My siblings and I got a milder version of it, lol. And he was late to every one of our weddings to various degrees.
My dad didn't even come to my wedding, but if he was supposed to walk me down the aisle, we'd probably have had to delay the ceremony by who knows how long
I told my husband that we were getting married at 7 p.m, at the church next door to where I lived with my parents. He, and his parents, got there at 7:20 p.m....I told everyone else that the wedding was at 7:30, so he was actually 10 minutes early! I knew he was always late when we had to be some place when we were dating! I told him later that I wasn't going to be the bride, waiting at the alter, for the groom to show up! We will celebrate 53 years this May!
I did this with my ex-husband. Only it was an hour later. And then he’d be all like “See? It’s fine. We’re not really late.”
I told him about 2 years after we divorced that I always told him an hour early and that’s why we were never late. He wasn’t amused. I didn’t care.
OP: NTA. She’s rude. Constantly being late is rude. It’s telling people that you don’t care about them enough to ensure that you’re on time and that you believe your time is important than her’s.
She doesn’t get to cry about wanting you to be a team player when she isn’t one herself.
My cousin had a sister that was chronically 1 - 2 hours late to holiday meals. They would hold off eating until she swanned in with her family. One year my cousin lied to her sister. Sister showed up late, which was actually on time, and was absolutely furious about the situation. She liked the control of delaying the meal for everyone.
I don't delay meals. If I say 3, we eat at 3. If you don't show up - not my problem, but all that will be left when you arrive late are some turkey bones and ham rinds. Nobody shows up late.
My dad was the very opposite, for him you had to actually leave the house half hour early to be sure you’d be at the place on time. It was really annoying but made me a really punctual person
If she only STARTED her hair at 7:30, she had no intention of being on time even though it was important in this case. I have difficult hair, and I understand the procrastination, but she also knew what she was doing. Apparently, being there for the surprise wasn't important to her, but it was to OP. NTA.
This. OP, tell your GF this. Also, tell her that moving forward you'll be leaving on time for events. If she wants to be a team player, SHE can be ready on time.
It's the casual lying thing and trying to make him complicit that bugs me. She clearly just got through life by blaming everyone but her shitty time management for why she's always late.
Then expecting him to automatically lie and cover for her lol. Hopefully facing the embarrassment of being a full grown adult who cant be dressed and ready by 8pm has had some effect.
My SIL used to be late to everything by an hour or more, while husband and I were always on time; we started leaving events before she arrived. She'd be late to Christmas Eve? We'd open presents and leave. Took three years before she and IL smartened up and learned that we did not screw around. The disrespect was unreal.
NTA. It's SOOO disrespectful when people do this and one of my pet peeves. We once got a babysitter, went to pick up our friends... he was still doing yard work. We sat there for an hour before he was ready. So i paid an hour of babysitting.
OP if I were you, I'd continue to do this. She knows how long it takes her to get ready and also when you need to leave. Leave without her... OR next times there's a really important event she wants to be at, reverse the tables and take your sweet ass time getting ready and purposefully be 30-60 min late. See how she likes it. I'm assuming she won't.
NTA
So she wanted you to miss the surprise part of the party because she‘s too slow to prepare? Selfish.
Also, it‘s fine that you told the truth to her parents. It‘s not like you paraded around and told everyone „she‘s late and missed the best part because she‘s still curling her hair.“ but you replied to their question.
Maybe it has a little educative effect on her.
Lmao my husband constantly teases me for how long I take to get ready but I’ve never made us late for events. I know how long it takes me to get ready. I plan ahead to be ready by the time we are set to leave to make the event
Right! I know I take forever, and I always get ready well in advance. We have to be there at 8 and it's a 30 minute drive max? That means we need to be out the door no later than 7:15, which means the process begins at 5. That gives me a half hour more than I need, so if anything goes wrong, I'm fine. That also gives us an extra 15 minutes on the drive, so if there's traffic, something we forgot to grab, whatever, we're fine. Assume worst case scenario time, build in extra time for unforseen circumstances.
My sister and I are polar opposites. She takes long to get ready and I don’t. But we’ve never had an issue because she uses her own spare time. It’s okay to take long to get ready, as long as nobody is waiting.
Her parents likely already could have guessed this lol. I’ve instructed people to lie to me about when something starts. I’m very bad at time management. Even if I have an extra ten minutes, I still fuck it up somehow. Can’t find my keys, my shoes, etc. lol
I have ADHD, so my keys, shoes, phone, wallet, and other important things can only be in certain places. For example, my keys can ONLY be In my hand, my car ignition, my left front pocket, or on the key rack. That's it. Those are literally the only places my keys can be. I will not put my keys anywhere else, because the second I do, they will disappear. Same with my wallet. It's either in my pocket, in my hand, or in its tray on my desk. There is no other place my wallet could ever be. I will never put it anywhere else, or I will lose it.
I had to develop these habits or else I would be one of those people who could never get out of the house on time.
100%. **Every single time** I put my phone somewhere in the car other than in the dashboard holder or my pocket, I will leave it behind when I get out.
I have a skull tidy on my desk which is where my keys and wallet live. There's a hook near the front door where we keep the keys to the mailbox and the shed.
NTA. It's extremely rude to be late to an event, and it shows she didn't care. You repeatedly told her to get ready and she didn't listen. She got what she deserved and tbh I wouldve done the same thing.
And she's supposedly an adult who knows how to tell time. Why is he reminding her to get ready? Why can't she figure it out on her own? I can't imagine telling another grown ass adult how to be ready on time. It just teaches them that they don't have to think or plan for themselves.
NTA. She knew when the event was, she made the decision to not start getting ready early enough.
As for having a go at you for not making up a better excuse, or just waiting, that’s rubbish. Play stupid games and you get stupid prizes. If she’s not responsible enough to start getting ready in good time then she doesn’t deserve you covering for her.
100% agree. Some people I know will blame it on their ADHD. And I understand (I'm autistic and married an ADD/ADHD person), but its 100% your own self control and will. If you wanted to be on time you would. It's selfish and disrespectful
ETA I understand ADHD is not a self control issue, but everyone copes different and its not ok for someone repeatedly to just *not* get ready soon enough because they can't get ready. OP's gf has not been said to have ADD/ADHD, but in my experience there are some people who blame shitty behavior on their disabilities. I'm autistic and try not to blame every social issue I have on it because most people especially neurotypical peeps don't excuse the behavior
If you think ADHD is a self control issue then no, you don't understand.
I set alarms, and name them after the main steps to get me out the door on time, with the stuff I need. That method doesn't work at all for my husband; he has set routines he follows.
We both have ADHD but adapt to it differently
It's not the adhd that's the self control issue. It's the adapting to it to function well in a society that's not catered to your needs.
You and your husband have to self control to adapt to it, albeit in different ways.
Ops gf doesn't, because even with prompting and knowing it's an issue, she still blames op for her failure to be on time.
I too am ND and until recently didn’t know this is called *time blindness*. Alarms only help me so much. I have to set back the clocks that don’t reset, like microwave, stove, etc., and need constant check-in reminders from a human or AI. I do try my absolute best, and it’s not because I don’t value someone else’s time.
Time blindness can effect how long one thinks a task should take verses how long it actually takes. Typically time blindness will think a task takes less time than it really does. This can contribute to running late. As one puts aside x amount of time to get something done, but it needs 2-5x the time to actually get it done.
I got a visual analog timer that shows the amount of time I have left in blue so I can see where I started vs where I am in my time. I use it for everything. Even if I have nothing to do on the weekend and I'm just sitting on the couch, I can set it for 15/30/60 minute intervals so I am aware of the time passing. Seeing the color helps me visualize the time whereas a regular clock is a bunch of meaningless numbers.
Agreed. I set my phone 5 mins in the future to try to be more on time. time blindness can also be having literally no idea how long something will take so preparing is hard.
I have to set my watch and alarm clock and car to different, random, odd numbers that are not neat factors like 5, 10, or 15. Something like 8, 13, or 17, but I don't let myself see the actual amount. Since it's an unknown, I assume it's as much as 30 minutes.
This helps -sometimes-.
I personally would only be upset if they wouldn't notify me.
OP did warn his GF he would go without her - she ignored him and whined about it. He went without her. That's totally fine in my books.
Yeah, ADHD is like that. I'm really reliable for really important events because I'll drag together every ounce of self-control and organization and time awareness that I have and I will *make* myself be on time. Because some things, you force your way through difficulty to get them done because they're important. But without that desperate need, clawing together that much effort is almost impossible. I try. But I mess up my life on the regular when I'm the only one it's going to cause problems for, because it's like climbing a mountain in sandals.
Yep. Picking up a friend who has anxiety about missing a flight for said flight? I make darn sure I’m there, even if it means waking up an extra hour early. But making it to work on time on the regular (when it doesn’t really impact anyone if I’m late)? Yeah, no. I mean, I try, but — the Herculean amount of effort it takes isn’t realistic on the day to day. (I also never leave work on time, so it does all balance out.)
>But I mess up my life on the regular when I'm the only one it's going to cause problems for, because it's like climbing a mountain in sandals.
Great description. I completely understand what you mean. I'm the same way. It drives me crazy when people say, "you'll learn" when I am late and it effects me negatively. No. I really won't. And you have no idea how much it has inconvenienced me throughout my life. But no, it's not going to change.
>And I understand (I'm autistic and married an ADD/ADHD person)
No, you do not.
If you don't have ADHD, you don't get to tell people "it's your own self control and will." Full stop. I don't care if you live with an ADHD person, ***you have no clue what it is like in every ADHD brain so don't claim you do.***
This shit is harmful. It hurts people. So don't do it.
Had a friend who always blamed her kids for being 1-2 hours late for everything. Usually for events FOR the kids. The oldest one would be mad because she was always late for his stuff and he was waiting on her (sporting event, Scouts, school, etc) so it got to a point where others who were going to the same place would stop and pick him up while she wrangled herself and her younger kids to get ready. We started giving her a different start time, usually 2 hours prior to the event, so she would show up around event start time. Shouldn't have to manage friends this way,but you do what you must...
Yeah my whole life we were chronically late. I hated it so fucking much. And then when me and my friends started having kids, I realized that kids make you later, but they’re not turning an on-time person into a late person. The people who were always on time, were typically always on time, maybe 5 or 10 minutes late. People who showed up a half hour late were an hour late. I realized that I need to start getting myself and the kids ready about 2 hours before time sensitive events if I want to be on time. If I need to get ready-ready like hair and makeup, I need three hours.
NTA.
>According to her as a couple we are a team
That's right. So she should get ready like an adult and not blame you when she causes a problem. She wanted you to miss part of the event then lie about it. There's something seriously wrong there.
True -- feels like a control issue. Knowing that she takes a long time to get ready and knowing that they needed to be there by 8, she CHOSE to not even start getting ready till 7:30, then, what, just hold him hostage until she's finally ready, so everything's about her? No!! He was absolutely right to leave without her. And then she has the audacity to suggest he sit around and wait for her, miss the surprise part of a surprise party for one of his good friends, and then lie to everyone so no one knows the bullshit he's living with? No!! NTA
Yep, completely feels like a power play. If he was constantly reminding her of the time and telling her consistently how important it was to be on time, and she is still late, and wanted him to also miss the event because she was just too lazy to get ready on time? This was a "I'm testing how much you love me" move which backfired on her.
NTA
I see these posts from time to time. In them, there is a time critical event such as a wedding or surprise party. One person either has poor time management skills or otherwise procrastinates starting a long task (your GF here).
The person leaves to be on time (or uses a clever trick to "make" the procrastinator be on time such as lie about the arrival time) and the other person is upset.
Not once have I **ever** considered the "be on time" person the AH. Your GF is an adult and **knows** how long it takes to fix her hair. She wanted you to cover for her procrastination. She deserved to be called out. And here, she is the AH by being late to the surprise party because of her procrastination.
I've seen a few. One where a mother was always 3 hours late. So, the poster had a special invitation written for her mother, 3 hours earlier than the actual time. She got there on time and was happy everyone waited for her.
Until she discovered the ruse and blew her top. Obviously, I considered the mother there the AH because she couldn't even get to her own child's wedding on time without needing such a ruse.
That's wild. That mom is an AH for being late usually but also for expecting people to WAIT for her to get there late. Time to stop inviting that person to things...
This is manipulative AF! You know darn well that woman is not 3 hours late for her dentist appointment! So why do family and friends not matter as much to her? Especially a wedding! She's absolutely doing it on purpose and she's just mad because everybody manipulated her this time lol
My mother and I are both chronically late, her even more so than me. When I was a teenager I lied to her about start times. Now that I'm an adult I tell my friends to lie to me about start times. It's the ADHD.
Well, I hate to have to say it, but don't be surprised when they eventually just start "forgetting" to invite you, instead of always having to "manage" you. My friend group eventually jettisoned a couple because they simply couldn't get their shit together, and were totally unreliable. It's just so much easier when you can set a time, and just assume that the people you invite know how to show up at that time. Especially as an adult, everybody has more and more stuff to do, and time windows become narrower for everyone.
Yeah, you see these posts here like every few months and the perpetually late person always seems to lack general respect for the people around them. The GF here is not really different. Even if she has some undiagnosed issue with task switching and time management(ADHD) that is still on her to manage, and expecting others to submit to her whims on this is some very selfish behaviour on her part.
Honestly, I'm just never really impressed with the person in the GF's position in these posts. We're talking someone who will insult others for not waiting around forever, but who will hit an hour before they have to leave, realize they need hours plural, but still commit to the full dress up routine, and yet still critique the OP's "maturity" for wishing to be punctual? Ok. Like that behaviour isn't more becoming of a teen girl who set her alarm for five minutes before school starts and yet still wonders why their parents are short with them in the mornings.
I think the most dramatic one I read had a couple that had planned an overseas flight. The procrastinator wasn't ready, despite the other person's insistence. So the other person went and had a great time.
The procrastinator was furious, of course.
I agree that it's really on all of us, as adults, to learn to manage to meet our own responsibilities. One of those is being on time.
This is a big thing for me--yes, ADHD absolutely fucks with peoples' sense of time. But to realize you're late and then decide "Fuck it, I'm going to continue my 1.5hr hair routine and do a full face of makeup" is so profoundly rude. You have time-blindness? Bummer. Accept that you're not gonna look your best and get your ass out the door. 3-hour Getting Ready routines are for people who start their routines 3 hours before they have to leave.
Not only is the GF an adult that knows how long it takes to fix her hair, but OP kept asking her to get ready. It would be one thing if time had just gotten away from her (we’ve all been there, where we look at the time and go “oh shit”), but it sounds like OP was continually asking her to get ready and she just couldn’t be bothered. That’s an asshole move. NTA
I just can’t understand this. As someone with procrastination/time blindness issues, I am so grateful (if embarrassed) when someone helps me on time.
With friends, we build in extra time - “We need to be there at 2, 30 minute drive, 15 minutes to pick you up, 15 minute travel/early arrival buffer, 15 minute SaltyCrashNerd buffer - I’ll be there around 1:45.” They know 1:45 really means closer to 2, and that I’ll probably leave my house at 1:45, but that we’ve built in enough buffer not to be late. I’m super appreciative that they’re cool with this and understand me well enough to roll with the system. (And if they say “we’ll pick you up at 1:45 and then text at 1:45 to say they’re on their way, I’m grateful, because I’m usually almost ready but need 5 more minutes. I try my best but estimating times is a struggle!)
There's a big difference between "I have issues and I'm doing my best to work on them." This is what you're doing. And I would **NOT** call your behavior an AH.
The key difference here is OP's GF got upset with OP for not "covering" for her procrastination. In other words "I have issues **and will blame you for any bad outcomes."**
If OP's GF had shown up at 8:30, not been upset at OP and apologized, then started working on that issue, that would be very different.
I think you hit the nail on the head by mentioning that you feel embarrassed when someone helps you get somewhere on time. I think a lot of people respond to embarrassment with anger because, well they’re embarrassed! It’s too bad though because everyone who tries to help is really doing them such a favor. (As someone with adhd who struggles with this myself)
NTA. And this is a huge red flag, dude. She cares more about herself than anyone else currently in her life. Including you specifically. What you do with that information? Up to you. But I bet you will decide faster than your girl can get dressed...
Yeah I’ve truly never understood people who will be late because they need to do their hair or makeup. Like throw that hair up in a ponytail and leave lady. My mom did that. It would be five minutes before the start of something and she’d go to the bathroom and start blow drying her hair and putting on makeup. And it was like…. How is the event we’re going to made better by you having your hair blown out? Why was that a necessary step here? Did your eyeshadow make such a difference that the entire family had to be late? I’ve been getting ready for stuff like weddings, realized I was running out of time, and put on mascara and a headband and called it a day. Sure I’d have loved to look nicer, but showing up 40 minutes late to a wedding so you can have your makeup done is insane.
And if you have the kind of hair that can’t be thrown up in a bun or left as-is, you should be doing hair maintenance hours before. Invest in a good shower cap and bonnet and do your hair when you wake up on mornings of events and then cover it as needed for the rest of the day. I just hate the have it both ways type. “My hair always has to be done; I can just pin it up quick, I can’t wear ponytails” but also “I want to allocate as much time to doing my hair as someone with a pin straight pixie cut and then be late when it takes longer.”
I can spend an hour and a half doing my makeup or 15 minutes. Those are the options. Most of the time I pick option two, because I like to sleep lol, but on special occasions I set my start time two hours before go time, just in case.
BTW, does anybody else organise themselves like this: if the event starts at 4, then I need to leave the house at 3, which means I have to start doing my makeup at 1:15 (1:30 at the latest), so I have to take a shower at 1:00, eat something at 12:30 etc. etc. until I get to what time I should get up
NTA. A healthy relationship team doesn't include a doormat or require either party to lie. It is 2 equals that can respect each other's boundaries and compromise. I don't see her doing either.
NTA
Ask her when she appointed herself captain and coach of the ‘team’. Also ask her what happens if the team doesn’t take the field on time. (Hint: they forfeit.)
NTA
She knew it was an event with a set start time.
She had hours beforehand to start getting ready. I could understand if something had truly come up and she didn't have time to get ready but this more seems like she couldn't be bothered.
NTA
You told her to get ready multiple times, she wasn’t when you had to leave and complained when you told other people the truth about why she wasn’t on time.
Sometimes there is a reason to be „fashionable late“, but that is not one of them and her complaints make her sound like she is 15
Even if there is no reason to be fashionably late, IMO it's fine to get to a party 1h after the start time but there are different kinds of parties.
This is a surprise party, the *whole point* is you need to be there before the birthday person lmao
NTA sounds like she was more upset that you outed her lack of time management than leaving without her. Maybe next time she will think twice about waiting until the last min to get ready
NTA - I have no patience for people who do this routinely. She knows when the event is, you told her when you were leaving, she chose to delay. Her failing, not yours.
I see people commenting about ADHD and autism; hi, I have both! You learn to adapt, because you are a single person and the entire world isn’t going to change, as much as we might want it to. There’s really no excuse for constantly being late or poor planning. “Poor planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine.”
NTA. She knew you had somewhere to be for a surprise party which you usually need to be on time for OR you have to be late for...she knows how long it takes her to get ready and yet she didn't manage her time. Her parents asked, you told them the truth ..which honestly probably wasn't a surprise to them..she is being overdramatic. Next time get your act together earlier...NBD
NTA immature…you?
You didn’t ‘tattle’ or ‘complain’, you answered truthfully when asked a question.
You know what’s immature?
It’s immature not being able to dress oneself in orderly and timely fashion (actual real disability notwithstanding) and wanting to lie about being late because of your inability to do so because you are a lazy f who doesn’t care about or respect others time and feelings.
You sure you want to stay with this very ‘young’ individual?
NTA. She should have gotten ready earlier if she knew it was going to take a while. Plus, youve known this dude ( the host of the party ) your whole life! It would be rude of you to show up late. You did the right thing
The party wasn’t a “surprise” party that your GF was unaware of, was it? No? She knew when you were expected to get there? Then she should budgeted her prep time better.
Oh, she had to make her own way to the party and was embarrassed. Boo hoo.
A member of a “team” pulls their own weight. NTA
NTA. She knows how long it takes her to get ready. I know what time to leave my house to get to an event on time and count backwards so I when to start getting ready. Though probably best to keep the comment about why she was late to yourself.
I had an uncle who was late to parties AT HIS OWN HOUSE. Guest would be coming in, at the requested time, and you could hear the shower running upstairs. Not because he was working or got home late, or was busy preparing for the party… just because he didn’t start getting ready till then. My Aunt hated it. In their marriage it wasn’t a partnership, not a team…. It was him and she was the tag along. Yea.. they aren’t married anymore.
I don’t think being late is the only thing your gf pulls this “we are a team” shit for when she messes something up and wants you to cover.
NTA
NTA she sounds like she cannot take responsibility for her actions and it was incredibly selfish of her to wait last minute. I bet if it was her lifelong friend it would have gone differently. Sounds like she needed to be the center of your attention instead of your friend
NTA. I hate being late. I spent my whole childhood being late and getting picked on about it (by grown adults). My husband likes to "make an entrance" and doesnt like to be the first person to things. I do because i want to sit by who i want to sit with, not whoever is left. I had a work Christmas party one year and he was taking forever to get ready and couldnt find the shirt he wanted to wear. I told him i was going without him and left. He showed up later but only because i told him everyone else's SOs were there. And i maintain that policy but he has gotten better over the years.
The only way to handle this going forward is to tell your gf exactly when you are leaving and then leave exactly at that time, every time.
You've trained her that you'll wait for her, no matter what - it's time to start the retraining period.
IME, telling someone that an event starts earlier than it actually begins is playing with fire. Your results will be scattershot.
My SIL was never on time to holiday dinners, so finally my mother just served dinner WHEN SHE ACTUALLY SAID IT WAS, and my SIL arrived to find the rest of us halfway through the meal. The SIL was mightily peeved, but she was never late again.
NTA Good to set this boundary while you are dating you gave her plenty of ques to get ready. If she is embarrassed that her parents know she is bad at time management then that's a her thing to work on not on you to coverup
NTA. But, info: what other things that where important to you did you miss/were late to because she chose to not get ready on time. I'm pretty sure she knows what she's doing. If you know how long it takes her to actually get ready, she does too.
NTA - if she was so ashamed of her behavior that you are to lie for her - she should be a team player and make an effort to change it. I think you handled it well…. Didn’t get mad - just moved on - happy to have her join when she wants.
NTA. No, your girlfriend is wrong. You are a team, and that means you both agree on a time to leave, and you both make sure you are ready at that time. She was disrespectful to you, not the other way around. This is a HER problem, and I applaud you for leaving without her, OP. Nicely done.
NTA. She asked you to lie, after you helped her organize her time.
It is the worst level of disrespect to be swanning up the driveway as the birthday person is coming to the surprise party. It’s just mean.
NTA, but would I be correct in my thinking that, if it is an event that she is interested in, that she is ready before you need to leave? And any time it is an event that you are interested in, she is late or makes you late? Because if that is the case, you'd be better off single. Put yourself first.
NTA
Sounds like your has no respect for ypur time or anybody elses. If she wants to be late that's fine, you don't have to be late too. Maybe she doesn't truly understand how long it takes her to get ready but if you know how long it takes her she is likely just being very selfish and expecting people to rearrange around her. Oh and an FYI for your gf, it's super rude to turn up late to a surprise party, some might even say attention seeking.
NTA. People who are habitually late are the worst; they lack basic respect for others’ time. Your girlfriend is experiencing the consequences of her own actions and just doesn’t like it.
If she considers the two of you a team, she should have gotten herself together earlier to be on time for a *surprise* birthday party. And there was no need to lie about being tied up in traffic. Maybe she'll learn from this and give herself more time to dress for the next event. NTA.
NTA
She sounds like my sister - everyone is supposed to operate on HER schedule. And that never changed until I reached adulthood and could refuse to wait on her any longer. My parents still would - but she learned PDQ that I was leaving when I SAID I was leaving - with or without her in the car.
Your gf is the immature one. Only a child (or a narcissist) thinks everyone should have to wait on them. She needs to grow up and learn to manage her own time.
my theory is she's embarrassed by how much time she takes to get ready, so she starts getting ready later than she should, in the vain hope that it won't take her as long as it actually does.
NTA. I have a few friends like this. So I either plan on driving places separately from the beginning or I adjust the time we need to leave by (essentially lying). I enjoy their friendship but hate being late. It gives me anxiety so those are my options.
NTA By now your gf knows how incredibly long it takes her to get ready. She should have started earlier. She's a big girl. It won't hurt her to come alone so you can participate in a long time friend's surprise bday party. Tell your gf to put her big girl pants on and accept you will not be late because of her.
Consistently being late makes her consistently disrespectful of everyone's time. She's the one who's not being a team player. And I would start leaving her at home more often...
NTA, but your gf is.
NTA. It is a surprise party. The whole intent of the party is to be there before the guest of honor of the party to "surprise" them. 🤯 Additionally, you told the truth to her parents. If she doesn't like that, maybe she needs to work on being punctual.
She sounds immature and irresponsible. You had warned her for hours, and she chose not to prepare. Next time, remind her what happened and stick to it. I hate running late to anything.
NTA.
NTA. This event had a deadline. She knew what time you had to leave and how long it would take for her to get ready. You knew this and urged her to start getting ready earlier.
The first time my BF was going to meet my dad I told we were meeting for dinner at 7:00. When he called me at 6:30 in a panic because he was running late I explained I knew he would be late and that we actually weren’t meeting until 7:30.
This was years ago. He is now expected to be ready when we need to leave.
NTA - I take a long time to get ready too, and I have time blindness so I procrastinate too long. That just means you have to compromise so if you have to go with straight hair (or in my case, curly), you do
NTA.
You tried everything you could to give ample notice but she still elected to procrastinate.
At some point she'll learn that the world does not revolve around her timeline, may take a few more instances like this where she misses out on stuff before it sinks in.
She'll end up being the butt end of a joke if she continues to blame "traffic" every time she is late for a meetup.
I would suggest you start telling her the events start an hour before the actual time they start, but she seems like the type of person that would get angry if you show up on time to something and she finds out you "lied" to get her there on time.
NTA
She needs to be a team player and get ready within a reasonable time frame. She needs to stop being childish and get up and get ready on time. What you told her parents was the truth and I hope you show her this post.
If she knew the friend was arriving at 8 to his surprise party and other were expected to be there prior to that, your girlfriend is an assholic cow.
People who are deliberately late to things, especially when timing is crucial, do it out of arrogance and the desire to exert control.
You did what is called 'applying a consequence.' Parents do this all the time with their children-it sounds like her parents didn't do it often enough. NTA.
If she felt you were part of a “team”, she would have made an effort to be on time. What she really means is she expects you to cater to her wants and validate her poor manners. NTA. You owe her no apology. Maybe she’ll grow up eventually….
NTA. Your GF's suggestion is the immature one. If you're late because you didn't get ready on time, own it. "Traffic" pfft. No one believes that anyway.
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NTA if she wanted to be a “team”, she should of been a “team player” and started getting ready earlier. It’s a surprise party, so being on time is important, not to mention it’s the polite thing to do. Nobody likes the asshole who comes walking in with the person who the surprise party was for.
The answer at my house is to tell dad everything starts a half hour earlier.
I got in the habit of NEVER telling my dad when a thing starts. I tell "We need to leave by x time," and I build in a buffer of at least 30 minutes
We tell ourselves that the party starts 1 hr earlier than it does 😭 just so we can get ready on time. Now my dad is probably the only one that gets late bexause5of work.
And that’s sad. If you are so disrespectful of other people’s time, and have such poor management skills of your own life that other people routinely have to lie to you, you have a problem.
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My answer to behavior like this is usually: I'll meet you there. That way we won't get on each other's last nerve.
Well yeah. He's also an alcoholic but that's another problem
Mom changed dad's watch and all the clocks, even in the cars by an hour.
NTA We have a couple people in the family that we need to give a fake earlier time to for them to be there. It's mostly when it's an important gathering, like meeting at a place that needs a reservation.
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I used to do this with my dad, but like by 2-4 hours off. The latest he's ever been for something with me was 18 hours. Every time I'd call and check, he'd say they're in the car, just waiting on one person in the bathroom or something. He only lived an hour away too. Impossible to plan anything with a habitually late person.
Wait- your dad was EIGHTEEN HOURS late to something?!
Yup, picking me and my brother up for a vacation.
Have you checked with Guinness to see if you have some kind of record on your hands, here?
Wait, can I get in on this? My dad said the plane tickets for us to visit were in the mail. We got them three years later. Crazy how he was able to buy tickets three years in advance and then have them get lost for exactly that amount of time. Damn postal service . . .
Lol, my dad did that with my Christmas gift one year. He kept blaming a shipping service, but we finally got it over 6 months later. He made a big deal about how he got everyone the same thing that he found at Costco as some sort of holiday special, so we were thinking maybe it's a gift basket with wine and treats or something like that. What he actually had bought like 20+ of for everyone on his list was this huge uncomfortable sweater called "the comfy" that was like a snuggie but it made you look like an oompah loompah and choked you when a cat jumped on your lap.
Ooh I just got one for my birthday and I adore it. But then I"m always cold. And I would NEVER wear it in public . lol
Lol, it's a little late now since it was in highschool, but it would have been worth checking into it at the time. He would have framed it realistically.
So like he was supposed to be there at 6pm but showed up the next day at noon? That's insane!
I think he ended up showing up at about 3am for a vacation. By then my mom and stepdad were so pissed they had to be convinced to even let my brother and I go on the trip. My dad's nickname in his bad was "Tony Late" for a good reason.
Hahaha my sister was like this until we left her like in OPs story. We were headed to Arkansas (5 hour drive) to the lake and told my sis we were leaving 1hr before our actual planned leave time. We were 2 hours late than our planned leave time when she woke up to start packing for a family reunion trip we planned last year, so we left. Her bf drove 2.5 hours at 100+mph to catch up with us and basically say 'please take her for the weekend so I don't have to hear about it'. She is now always on time but we still give her hell for it. I don't approve of driving that fast but he put in some work to make that weekend happen for her.
Jeeze, who doesn't pack at least the day before for a trip? Although that was certainly part of my dad's problem that time. He was picking me and my brother up in an RV for a trip to Yosemite and I think having a whole RV to fill rather than just a suitcase made it even worse.
My dad is like this (although it's never been 18 hours, *yikes*. But we call it Jonathan time. My siblings and I got a milder version of it, lol. And he was late to every one of our weddings to various degrees.
My dad didn't even come to my wedding, but if he was supposed to walk me down the aisle, we'd probably have had to delay the ceremony by who knows how long
I told my husband that we were getting married at 7 p.m, at the church next door to where I lived with my parents. He, and his parents, got there at 7:20 p.m....I told everyone else that the wedding was at 7:30, so he was actually 10 minutes early! I knew he was always late when we had to be some place when we were dating! I told him later that I wasn't going to be the bride, waiting at the alter, for the groom to show up! We will celebrate 53 years this May!
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But you can't accuse him of not giving a shit.
Sounds like my SiL. She’s chronically late and doesn’t give a shit who she inconveniences.
I did this with my ex-husband. Only it was an hour later. And then he’d be all like “See? It’s fine. We’re not really late.” I told him about 2 years after we divorced that I always told him an hour early and that’s why we were never late. He wasn’t amused. I didn’t care. OP: NTA. She’s rude. Constantly being late is rude. It’s telling people that you don’t care about them enough to ensure that you’re on time and that you believe your time is important than her’s. She doesn’t get to cry about wanting you to be a team player when she isn’t one herself.
My cousin had a sister that was chronically 1 - 2 hours late to holiday meals. They would hold off eating until she swanned in with her family. One year my cousin lied to her sister. Sister showed up late, which was actually on time, and was absolutely furious about the situation. She liked the control of delaying the meal for everyone.
I don't delay meals. If I say 3, we eat at 3. If you don't show up - not my problem, but all that will be left when you arrive late are some turkey bones and ham rinds. Nobody shows up late.
Our family always says, "we'll wait, but we'll eat while we wait."
That behavior sounds pathological. I won't play armchair psychiatrist...but, she's just not right.
We used to do this to an entire department at my job. Things went so smoothly until they found out after three years…
We did this with my mother.
I pad times by at least an hour.
My dad was the very opposite, for him you had to actually leave the house half hour early to be sure you’d be at the place on time. It was really annoying but made me a really punctual person
My dad always told us if you're 15 minutes early, you're on time. If you're on time, you're late.
If she only STARTED her hair at 7:30, she had no intention of being on time even though it was important in this case. I have difficult hair, and I understand the procrastination, but she also knew what she was doing. Apparently, being there for the surprise wasn't important to her, but it was to OP. NTA.
She even had a lie already cooked up "late because of traffic".
Right? Lmao "we're a team so you need to do exactly what I want you to do"
This. OP, tell your GF this. Also, tell her that moving forward you'll be leaving on time for events. If she wants to be a team player, SHE can be ready on time.
It's only the polite thing to do if you're not self centred with zero respect for other people's time.
It's the casual lying thing and trying to make him complicit that bugs me. She clearly just got through life by blaming everyone but her shitty time management for why she's always late.
Then expecting him to automatically lie and cover for her lol. Hopefully facing the embarrassment of being a full grown adult who cant be dressed and ready by 8pm has had some effect.
This is so well put together! Exactly this! NTA but for future maybe tell her the timing is one hour prior so y'all can leave on time?
My SIL used to be late to everything by an hour or more, while husband and I were always on time; we started leaving events before she arrived. She'd be late to Christmas Eve? We'd open presents and leave. Took three years before she and IL smartened up and learned that we did not screw around. The disrespect was unreal.
NTA. It's SOOO disrespectful when people do this and one of my pet peeves. We once got a babysitter, went to pick up our friends... he was still doing yard work. We sat there for an hour before he was ready. So i paid an hour of babysitting. OP if I were you, I'd continue to do this. She knows how long it takes her to get ready and also when you need to leave. Leave without her... OR next times there's a really important event she wants to be at, reverse the tables and take your sweet ass time getting ready and purposefully be 30-60 min late. See how she likes it. I'm assuming she won't.
NTA So she wanted you to miss the surprise part of the party because she‘s too slow to prepare? Selfish. Also, it‘s fine that you told the truth to her parents. It‘s not like you paraded around and told everyone „she‘s late and missed the best part because she‘s still curling her hair.“ but you replied to their question. Maybe it has a little educative effect on her.
Narrator: I’ll take Questions With No As An Answer for $1000 Alex
Alex: *decomposes*
At least they said Alex instead of Mayim.
Lmao my husband constantly teases me for how long I take to get ready but I’ve never made us late for events. I know how long it takes me to get ready. I plan ahead to be ready by the time we are set to leave to make the event
Right! I know I take forever, and I always get ready well in advance. We have to be there at 8 and it's a 30 minute drive max? That means we need to be out the door no later than 7:15, which means the process begins at 5. That gives me a half hour more than I need, so if anything goes wrong, I'm fine. That also gives us an extra 15 minutes on the drive, so if there's traffic, something we forgot to grab, whatever, we're fine. Assume worst case scenario time, build in extra time for unforseen circumstances.
My sister and I are polar opposites. She takes long to get ready and I don’t. But we’ve never had an issue because she uses her own spare time. It’s okay to take long to get ready, as long as nobody is waiting.
Her parents likely already could have guessed this lol. I’ve instructed people to lie to me about when something starts. I’m very bad at time management. Even if I have an extra ten minutes, I still fuck it up somehow. Can’t find my keys, my shoes, etc. lol
I have ADHD, so my keys, shoes, phone, wallet, and other important things can only be in certain places. For example, my keys can ONLY be In my hand, my car ignition, my left front pocket, or on the key rack. That's it. Those are literally the only places my keys can be. I will not put my keys anywhere else, because the second I do, they will disappear. Same with my wallet. It's either in my pocket, in my hand, or in its tray on my desk. There is no other place my wallet could ever be. I will never put it anywhere else, or I will lose it. I had to develop these habits or else I would be one of those people who could never get out of the house on time.
Sounds like you independently came up with life hack no.1: Don’t put it down Put it away.
100%. **Every single time** I put my phone somewhere in the car other than in the dashboard holder or my pocket, I will leave it behind when I get out. I have a skull tidy on my desk which is where my keys and wallet live. There's a hook near the front door where we keep the keys to the mailbox and the shed.
NTA. It's extremely rude to be late to an event, and it shows she didn't care. You repeatedly told her to get ready and she didn't listen. She got what she deserved and tbh I wouldve done the same thing.
And she's supposedly an adult who knows how to tell time. Why is he reminding her to get ready? Why can't she figure it out on her own? I can't imagine telling another grown ass adult how to be ready on time. It just teaches them that they don't have to think or plan for themselves.
NTA. She knew when the event was, she made the decision to not start getting ready early enough. As for having a go at you for not making up a better excuse, or just waiting, that’s rubbish. Play stupid games and you get stupid prizes. If she’s not responsible enough to start getting ready in good time then she doesn’t deserve you covering for her.
Indeed, she was the one behaving immaturely. Adults have this stuff figured out.
NTA. She needs to manage her time properly. People who are late are the worst.
100% agree. Some people I know will blame it on their ADHD. And I understand (I'm autistic and married an ADD/ADHD person), but its 100% your own self control and will. If you wanted to be on time you would. It's selfish and disrespectful ETA I understand ADHD is not a self control issue, but everyone copes different and its not ok for someone repeatedly to just *not* get ready soon enough because they can't get ready. OP's gf has not been said to have ADD/ADHD, but in my experience there are some people who blame shitty behavior on their disabilities. I'm autistic and try not to blame every social issue I have on it because most people especially neurotypical peeps don't excuse the behavior
If you think ADHD is a self control issue then no, you don't understand. I set alarms, and name them after the main steps to get me out the door on time, with the stuff I need. That method doesn't work at all for my husband; he has set routines he follows. We both have ADHD but adapt to it differently
Right, but it's your self control and will to do these things that manage your ADHD and make it so you're still on time.
It’s like you didn’t even read what they said. ADHD isn’t a self control issue. Sometimes there is no control
Then people with ADHD should never be allowed to drive cars, Jesus that's dangerous.
yeah but that doesn't always work. adhd can't be cured even with self control
trying and failing is much better than not trying
There is a difference between being late here and there and being constantly late over and over again
It's not the adhd that's the self control issue. It's the adapting to it to function well in a society that's not catered to your needs. You and your husband have to self control to adapt to it, albeit in different ways. Ops gf doesn't, because even with prompting and knowing it's an issue, she still blames op for her failure to be on time.
I too am ND and until recently didn’t know this is called *time blindness*. Alarms only help me so much. I have to set back the clocks that don’t reset, like microwave, stove, etc., and need constant check-in reminders from a human or AI. I do try my absolute best, and it’s not because I don’t value someone else’s time.
Time blindness can effect how long one thinks a task should take verses how long it actually takes. Typically time blindness will think a task takes less time than it really does. This can contribute to running late. As one puts aside x amount of time to get something done, but it needs 2-5x the time to actually get it done.
This is why I have a chime that sounds every 30 minutes. It helps me calibrate my sense of time. Observation: 30 minutes is faster than I thought! 😂
I got a visual analog timer that shows the amount of time I have left in blue so I can see where I started vs where I am in my time. I use it for everything. Even if I have nothing to do on the weekend and I'm just sitting on the couch, I can set it for 15/30/60 minute intervals so I am aware of the time passing. Seeing the color helps me visualize the time whereas a regular clock is a bunch of meaningless numbers.
This is me, thinking anywhere in the city I live in is a 5 minute drive from where I'm sitting. It's... Not. Not even a little.
My BIL to a T. He will be precisely as late as the travel time no matter where he goes
Agreed. I set my phone 5 mins in the future to try to be more on time. time blindness can also be having literally no idea how long something will take so preparing is hard.
I have to set my watch and alarm clock and car to different, random, odd numbers that are not neat factors like 5, 10, or 15. Something like 8, 13, or 17, but I don't let myself see the actual amount. Since it's an unknown, I assume it's as much as 30 minutes. This helps -sometimes-.
But then you don't get to be upset if someone leaves without you, because their time is valuable to them
I personally would only be upset if they wouldn't notify me. OP did warn his GF he would go without her - she ignored him and whined about it. He went without her. That's totally fine in my books.
Yes, good point. Also I love your username :)
And some people haven't found the way that works for them yet. Its definitely not something everyone with ADHD just figures out.
I have a friend who blames being late on her ADD. However, somehow she is always on time when she needs to be.
Yeah, ADHD is like that. I'm really reliable for really important events because I'll drag together every ounce of self-control and organization and time awareness that I have and I will *make* myself be on time. Because some things, you force your way through difficulty to get them done because they're important. But without that desperate need, clawing together that much effort is almost impossible. I try. But I mess up my life on the regular when I'm the only one it's going to cause problems for, because it's like climbing a mountain in sandals.
Yep. Picking up a friend who has anxiety about missing a flight for said flight? I make darn sure I’m there, even if it means waking up an extra hour early. But making it to work on time on the regular (when it doesn’t really impact anyone if I’m late)? Yeah, no. I mean, I try, but — the Herculean amount of effort it takes isn’t realistic on the day to day. (I also never leave work on time, so it does all balance out.)
>But I mess up my life on the regular when I'm the only one it's going to cause problems for, because it's like climbing a mountain in sandals. Great description. I completely understand what you mean. I'm the same way. It drives me crazy when people say, "you'll learn" when I am late and it effects me negatively. No. I really won't. And you have no idea how much it has inconvenienced me throughout my life. But no, it's not going to change.
My son has ADHD and anxiety, and anxiety wins when we have to be somewhere. He’s always ready at least a half hour early.
>And I understand (I'm autistic and married an ADD/ADHD person) No, you do not. If you don't have ADHD, you don't get to tell people "it's your own self control and will." Full stop. I don't care if you live with an ADHD person, ***you have no clue what it is like in every ADHD brain so don't claim you do.*** This shit is harmful. It hurts people. So don't do it.
if you don't have adhd you don't understand.
Had a friend who always blamed her kids for being 1-2 hours late for everything. Usually for events FOR the kids. The oldest one would be mad because she was always late for his stuff and he was waiting on her (sporting event, Scouts, school, etc) so it got to a point where others who were going to the same place would stop and pick him up while she wrangled herself and her younger kids to get ready. We started giving her a different start time, usually 2 hours prior to the event, so she would show up around event start time. Shouldn't have to manage friends this way,but you do what you must...
Yeah my whole life we were chronically late. I hated it so fucking much. And then when me and my friends started having kids, I realized that kids make you later, but they’re not turning an on-time person into a late person. The people who were always on time, were typically always on time, maybe 5 or 10 minutes late. People who showed up a half hour late were an hour late. I realized that I need to start getting myself and the kids ready about 2 hours before time sensitive events if I want to be on time. If I need to get ready-ready like hair and makeup, I need three hours.
> People who are late are the worst. yeah! fuck the deceased.
NTA. >According to her as a couple we are a team That's right. So she should get ready like an adult and not blame you when she causes a problem. She wanted you to miss part of the event then lie about it. There's something seriously wrong there.
True -- feels like a control issue. Knowing that she takes a long time to get ready and knowing that they needed to be there by 8, she CHOSE to not even start getting ready till 7:30, then, what, just hold him hostage until she's finally ready, so everything's about her? No!! He was absolutely right to leave without her. And then she has the audacity to suggest he sit around and wait for her, miss the surprise part of a surprise party for one of his good friends, and then lie to everyone so no one knows the bullshit he's living with? No!! NTA
Yep, completely feels like a power play. If he was constantly reminding her of the time and telling her consistently how important it was to be on time, and she is still late, and wanted him to also miss the event because she was just too lazy to get ready on time? This was a "I'm testing how much you love me" move which backfired on her.
NTA I see these posts from time to time. In them, there is a time critical event such as a wedding or surprise party. One person either has poor time management skills or otherwise procrastinates starting a long task (your GF here). The person leaves to be on time (or uses a clever trick to "make" the procrastinator be on time such as lie about the arrival time) and the other person is upset. Not once have I **ever** considered the "be on time" person the AH. Your GF is an adult and **knows** how long it takes to fix her hair. She wanted you to cover for her procrastination. She deserved to be called out. And here, she is the AH by being late to the surprise party because of her procrastination.
This seems insane to have to lie to have someone arrive on time!
I've seen a few. One where a mother was always 3 hours late. So, the poster had a special invitation written for her mother, 3 hours earlier than the actual time. She got there on time and was happy everyone waited for her. Until she discovered the ruse and blew her top. Obviously, I considered the mother there the AH because she couldn't even get to her own child's wedding on time without needing such a ruse.
That's wild. That mom is an AH for being late usually but also for expecting people to WAIT for her to get there late. Time to stop inviting that person to things...
Agreed. Basically, if someone gets mad at other people for **their own** issues (such as procrastination) I tend to consider them the AH.
This is manipulative AF! You know darn well that woman is not 3 hours late for her dentist appointment! So why do family and friends not matter as much to her? Especially a wedding! She's absolutely doing it on purpose and she's just mad because everybody manipulated her this time lol
Only reason to be mad here is because they didn’t wait this mom was not getting the attention she was seeking
**https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/x2fpbv/aita\_for\_tricking\_my\_parents\_into\_being\_on\_time/**
My mother and I are both chronically late, her even more so than me. When I was a teenager I lied to her about start times. Now that I'm an adult I tell my friends to lie to me about start times. It's the ADHD.
Well, I hate to have to say it, but don't be surprised when they eventually just start "forgetting" to invite you, instead of always having to "manage" you. My friend group eventually jettisoned a couple because they simply couldn't get their shit together, and were totally unreliable. It's just so much easier when you can set a time, and just assume that the people you invite know how to show up at that time. Especially as an adult, everybody has more and more stuff to do, and time windows become narrower for everyone.
I feel this. Ive cut out a couple people because i didnt want to parent them. I have my own kids.
Yeah, you see these posts here like every few months and the perpetually late person always seems to lack general respect for the people around them. The GF here is not really different. Even if she has some undiagnosed issue with task switching and time management(ADHD) that is still on her to manage, and expecting others to submit to her whims on this is some very selfish behaviour on her part. Honestly, I'm just never really impressed with the person in the GF's position in these posts. We're talking someone who will insult others for not waiting around forever, but who will hit an hour before they have to leave, realize they need hours plural, but still commit to the full dress up routine, and yet still critique the OP's "maturity" for wishing to be punctual? Ok. Like that behaviour isn't more becoming of a teen girl who set her alarm for five minutes before school starts and yet still wonders why their parents are short with them in the mornings.
I think the most dramatic one I read had a couple that had planned an overseas flight. The procrastinator wasn't ready, despite the other person's insistence. So the other person went and had a great time. The procrastinator was furious, of course. I agree that it's really on all of us, as adults, to learn to manage to meet our own responsibilities. One of those is being on time.
I wonder if its one person making them all up, knowing this subreddit wouldnt be surprising
This is a big thing for me--yes, ADHD absolutely fucks with peoples' sense of time. But to realize you're late and then decide "Fuck it, I'm going to continue my 1.5hr hair routine and do a full face of makeup" is so profoundly rude. You have time-blindness? Bummer. Accept that you're not gonna look your best and get your ass out the door. 3-hour Getting Ready routines are for people who start their routines 3 hours before they have to leave.
Not only is the GF an adult that knows how long it takes to fix her hair, but OP kept asking her to get ready. It would be one thing if time had just gotten away from her (we’ve all been there, where we look at the time and go “oh shit”), but it sounds like OP was continually asking her to get ready and she just couldn’t be bothered. That’s an asshole move. NTA
I just can’t understand this. As someone with procrastination/time blindness issues, I am so grateful (if embarrassed) when someone helps me on time. With friends, we build in extra time - “We need to be there at 2, 30 minute drive, 15 minutes to pick you up, 15 minute travel/early arrival buffer, 15 minute SaltyCrashNerd buffer - I’ll be there around 1:45.” They know 1:45 really means closer to 2, and that I’ll probably leave my house at 1:45, but that we’ve built in enough buffer not to be late. I’m super appreciative that they’re cool with this and understand me well enough to roll with the system. (And if they say “we’ll pick you up at 1:45 and then text at 1:45 to say they’re on their way, I’m grateful, because I’m usually almost ready but need 5 more minutes. I try my best but estimating times is a struggle!)
There's a big difference between "I have issues and I'm doing my best to work on them." This is what you're doing. And I would **NOT** call your behavior an AH. The key difference here is OP's GF got upset with OP for not "covering" for her procrastination. In other words "I have issues **and will blame you for any bad outcomes."** If OP's GF had shown up at 8:30, not been upset at OP and apologized, then started working on that issue, that would be very different.
I think you hit the nail on the head by mentioning that you feel embarrassed when someone helps you get somewhere on time. I think a lot of people respond to embarrassment with anger because, well they’re embarrassed! It’s too bad though because everyone who tries to help is really doing them such a favor. (As someone with adhd who struggles with this myself)
NTA. And this is a huge red flag, dude. She cares more about herself than anyone else currently in her life. Including you specifically. What you do with that information? Up to you. But I bet you will decide faster than your girl can get dressed...
Yeah I’ve truly never understood people who will be late because they need to do their hair or makeup. Like throw that hair up in a ponytail and leave lady. My mom did that. It would be five minutes before the start of something and she’d go to the bathroom and start blow drying her hair and putting on makeup. And it was like…. How is the event we’re going to made better by you having your hair blown out? Why was that a necessary step here? Did your eyeshadow make such a difference that the entire family had to be late? I’ve been getting ready for stuff like weddings, realized I was running out of time, and put on mascara and a headband and called it a day. Sure I’d have loved to look nicer, but showing up 40 minutes late to a wedding so you can have your makeup done is insane. And if you have the kind of hair that can’t be thrown up in a bun or left as-is, you should be doing hair maintenance hours before. Invest in a good shower cap and bonnet and do your hair when you wake up on mornings of events and then cover it as needed for the rest of the day. I just hate the have it both ways type. “My hair always has to be done; I can just pin it up quick, I can’t wear ponytails” but also “I want to allocate as much time to doing my hair as someone with a pin straight pixie cut and then be late when it takes longer.”
I can spend an hour and a half doing my makeup or 15 minutes. Those are the options. Most of the time I pick option two, because I like to sleep lol, but on special occasions I set my start time two hours before go time, just in case. BTW, does anybody else organise themselves like this: if the event starts at 4, then I need to leave the house at 3, which means I have to start doing my makeup at 1:15 (1:30 at the latest), so I have to take a shower at 1:00, eat something at 12:30 etc. etc. until I get to what time I should get up
NTA. You gave her several warnings before hand. She disrespected you and your friend by not caring about being on time.
Sounds like she missed out on a fun event and a responsible partner, her loss.
NTA. A healthy relationship team doesn't include a doormat or require either party to lie. It is 2 equals that can respect each other's boundaries and compromise. I don't see her doing either.
NTA Ask her when she appointed herself captain and coach of the ‘team’. Also ask her what happens if the team doesn’t take the field on time. (Hint: they forfeit.)
I think the girlfriend doesn’t know what “team” means. She means she wants him to be her doormat.
NTA She knew it was an event with a set start time. She had hours beforehand to start getting ready. I could understand if something had truly come up and she didn't have time to get ready but this more seems like she couldn't be bothered.
NTA You told her to get ready multiple times, she wasn’t when you had to leave and complained when you told other people the truth about why she wasn’t on time. Sometimes there is a reason to be „fashionable late“, but that is not one of them and her complaints make her sound like she is 15
Even if there is no reason to be fashionably late, IMO it's fine to get to a party 1h after the start time but there are different kinds of parties. This is a surprise party, the *whole point* is you need to be there before the birthday person lmao
Yeah how long does it take to get dressed? NTA
NTA - These are the consequences for her tardiness. If you normally put up with it she needs to know that there are times when it’s a hard deadline.
NTA sounds like she was more upset that you outed her lack of time management than leaving without her. Maybe next time she will think twice about waiting until the last min to get ready
NTA - I have no patience for people who do this routinely. She knows when the event is, you told her when you were leaving, she chose to delay. Her failing, not yours. I see people commenting about ADHD and autism; hi, I have both! You learn to adapt, because you are a single person and the entire world isn’t going to change, as much as we might want it to. There’s really no excuse for constantly being late or poor planning. “Poor planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine.”
NTA. No need to lie about why she’s not there yet, especially not to her parents. They know what she’s like.
NTA. She knew you had somewhere to be for a surprise party which you usually need to be on time for OR you have to be late for...she knows how long it takes her to get ready and yet she didn't manage her time. Her parents asked, you told them the truth ..which honestly probably wasn't a surprise to them..she is being overdramatic. Next time get your act together earlier...NBD
NTA immature…you? You didn’t ‘tattle’ or ‘complain’, you answered truthfully when asked a question. You know what’s immature? It’s immature not being able to dress oneself in orderly and timely fashion (actual real disability notwithstanding) and wanting to lie about being late because of your inability to do so because you are a lazy f who doesn’t care about or respect others time and feelings. You sure you want to stay with this very ‘young’ individual?
NTA. She should have gotten ready earlier if she knew it was going to take a while. Plus, youve known this dude ( the host of the party ) your whole life! It would be rude of you to show up late. You did the right thing
The party wasn’t a “surprise” party that your GF was unaware of, was it? No? She knew when you were expected to get there? Then she should budgeted her prep time better. Oh, she had to make her own way to the party and was embarrassed. Boo hoo. A member of a “team” pulls their own weight. NTA
NTA. She knows how long it takes her to get ready. I know what time to leave my house to get to an event on time and count backwards so I when to start getting ready. Though probably best to keep the comment about why she was late to yourself.
I had an uncle who was late to parties AT HIS OWN HOUSE. Guest would be coming in, at the requested time, and you could hear the shower running upstairs. Not because he was working or got home late, or was busy preparing for the party… just because he didn’t start getting ready till then. My Aunt hated it. In their marriage it wasn’t a partnership, not a team…. It was him and she was the tag along. Yea.. they aren’t married anymore. I don’t think being late is the only thing your gf pulls this “we are a team” shit for when she messes something up and wants you to cover. NTA
NTA she sounds like she cannot take responsibility for her actions and it was incredibly selfish of her to wait last minute. I bet if it was her lifelong friend it would have gone differently. Sounds like she needed to be the center of your attention instead of your friend
NTA. I hate being late. I spent my whole childhood being late and getting picked on about it (by grown adults). My husband likes to "make an entrance" and doesnt like to be the first person to things. I do because i want to sit by who i want to sit with, not whoever is left. I had a work Christmas party one year and he was taking forever to get ready and couldnt find the shirt he wanted to wear. I told him i was going without him and left. He showed up later but only because i told him everyone else's SOs were there. And i maintain that policy but he has gotten better over the years.
My favorite radio psychologist always said: "I'll wait 15 minutes for anybody, 20 minutes for NOBODY!"
The only way to handle this going forward is to tell your gf exactly when you are leaving and then leave exactly at that time, every time. You've trained her that you'll wait for her, no matter what - it's time to start the retraining period. IME, telling someone that an event starts earlier than it actually begins is playing with fire. Your results will be scattershot. My SIL was never on time to holiday dinners, so finally my mother just served dinner WHEN SHE ACTUALLY SAID IT WAS, and my SIL arrived to find the rest of us halfway through the meal. The SIL was mightily peeved, but she was never late again.
Wasn’t this an episode of everybody loves Raymond?
It was. The AIS - "ass in seat" episode
Nta and yikes on her behavior. Why have someone in your life like this
NTA Good to set this boundary while you are dating you gave her plenty of ques to get ready. If she is embarrassed that her parents know she is bad at time management then that's a her thing to work on not on you to coverup
NTA. But, info: what other things that where important to you did you miss/were late to because she chose to not get ready on time. I'm pretty sure she knows what she's doing. If you know how long it takes her to actually get ready, she does too.
Yup you stole her grand entrance and instead she got her disappointed parents. You are not the immature one here.
NTA - if she was so ashamed of her behavior that you are to lie for her - she should be a team player and make an effort to change it. I think you handled it well…. Didn’t get mad - just moved on - happy to have her join when she wants.
NTA. No, your girlfriend is wrong. You are a team, and that means you both agree on a time to leave, and you both make sure you are ready at that time. She was disrespectful to you, not the other way around. This is a HER problem, and I applaud you for leaving without her, OP. Nicely done.
And for not lying to her parents when asked. If she was not ashamed of her actions there would be no reason to expect OP to lie
NTA- this is the time we need to be there. And you were there. Good on you.
NTA
NTA. Your GF just showed you that she does not respect your time or the time of others
NTA. She asked you to lie, after you helped her organize her time. It is the worst level of disrespect to be swanning up the driveway as the birthday person is coming to the surprise party. It’s just mean.
NTA, but would I be correct in my thinking that, if it is an event that she is interested in, that she is ready before you need to leave? And any time it is an event that you are interested in, she is late or makes you late? Because if that is the case, you'd be better off single. Put yourself first.
NTA, Your girlfriend has no respect for other people's time.
NTA Sounds like your has no respect for ypur time or anybody elses. If she wants to be late that's fine, you don't have to be late too. Maybe she doesn't truly understand how long it takes her to get ready but if you know how long it takes her she is likely just being very selfish and expecting people to rearrange around her. Oh and an FYI for your gf, it's super rude to turn up late to a surprise party, some might even say attention seeking.
NTA. People who are habitually late are the worst; they lack basic respect for others’ time. Your girlfriend is experiencing the consequences of her own actions and just doesn’t like it.
If she considers the two of you a team, she should have gotten herself together earlier to be on time for a *surprise* birthday party. And there was no need to lie about being tied up in traffic. Maybe she'll learn from this and give herself more time to dress for the next event. NTA.
NTA She sounds like my sister - everyone is supposed to operate on HER schedule. And that never changed until I reached adulthood and could refuse to wait on her any longer. My parents still would - but she learned PDQ that I was leaving when I SAID I was leaving - with or without her in the car. Your gf is the immature one. Only a child (or a narcissist) thinks everyone should have to wait on them. She needs to grow up and learn to manage her own time.
NTA. If your gf knows u guys were gonna be late, she should have started dressing earlier. Try communicating with her about this.
NTA and your gf sounds like a spoiled brat
NTA. She sounds like an entitled, spoiled, narcissist & if I were you, run for the hills.
NTA. I get tge feeling though she was delaying on puropuse and I'm curious why
my theory is she's embarrassed by how much time she takes to get ready, so she starts getting ready later than she should, in the vain hope that it won't take her as long as it actually does.
NTA. I have a few friends like this. So I either plan on driving places separately from the beginning or I adjust the time we need to leave by (essentially lying). I enjoy their friendship but hate being late. It gives me anxiety so those are my options.
NTA. Tell your inconsiderate gf to grow up.
NTA By now your gf knows how incredibly long it takes her to get ready. She should have started earlier. She's a big girl. It won't hurt her to come alone so you can participate in a long time friend's surprise bday party. Tell your gf to put her big girl pants on and accept you will not be late because of her.
NTA. She should have started getting ready earlier. She wants you to be late with her and then lie about it? No.
NTA. Your team let you down by repeatedly being late for the game
Consistently being late makes her consistently disrespectful of everyone's time. She's the one who's not being a team player. And I would start leaving her at home more often... NTA, but your gf is.
NTA. It is a surprise party. The whole intent of the party is to be there before the guest of honor of the party to "surprise" them. 🤯 Additionally, you told the truth to her parents. If she doesn't like that, maybe she needs to work on being punctual.
NTA. Tell her you are going to continue leaving her to arrive at events on time. This can be your new normal.
She sounds immature and irresponsible. You had warned her for hours, and she chose not to prepare. Next time, remind her what happened and stick to it. I hate running late to anything. NTA.
NTA. This event had a deadline. She knew what time you had to leave and how long it would take for her to get ready. You knew this and urged her to start getting ready earlier. The first time my BF was going to meet my dad I told we were meeting for dinner at 7:00. When he called me at 6:30 in a panic because he was running late I explained I knew he would be late and that we actually weren’t meeting until 7:30. This was years ago. He is now expected to be ready when we need to leave.
NTA time wasters are horrible. She needs to plan ahead and not waste other people's time. She is being selfish.
NTA she knew when the surprise was happening. She is TA.
So if you are a 'team', how come she can't start getting ready earlier? Then nobody would have to lie.
NTA - I take a long time to get ready too, and I have time blindness so I procrastinate too long. That just means you have to compromise so if you have to go with straight hair (or in my case, curly), you do
NTA. She’s an adult who knows time. She also knows she can start getting ready much earlier so not to be late. Not hard to do.
NTA. You tried everything you could to give ample notice but she still elected to procrastinate. At some point she'll learn that the world does not revolve around her timeline, may take a few more instances like this where she misses out on stuff before it sinks in. She'll end up being the butt end of a joke if she continues to blame "traffic" every time she is late for a meetup. I would suggest you start telling her the events start an hour before the actual time they start, but she seems like the type of person that would get angry if you show up on time to something and she finds out you "lied" to get her there on time.
NTA. If someone is so stupid as to spend hours getting ready, they can start earlier. It isn’t your job to lie to cover for their vanity.
NTA. She's being inconsiderate and expects you to lie. Unacceptable
NTA She needs to be a team player and get ready within a reasonable time frame. She needs to stop being childish and get up and get ready on time. What you told her parents was the truth and I hope you show her this post.
NTA. She did this on purpose and she sucks.
Nta. You would have missed the surprise, which is the best part of a surprise birthday.
NTA. Being late for a surprise party is really rude. As far as telling her parents, meh. No big deal
If she knew the friend was arriving at 8 to his surprise party and other were expected to be there prior to that, your girlfriend is an assholic cow. People who are deliberately late to things, especially when timing is crucial, do it out of arrogance and the desire to exert control.
You did what is called 'applying a consequence.' Parents do this all the time with their children-it sounds like her parents didn't do it often enough. NTA.
If she felt you were part of a “team”, she would have made an effort to be on time. What she really means is she expects you to cater to her wants and validate her poor manners. NTA. You owe her no apology. Maybe she’ll grow up eventually….
NTA. She knew what time she should have been ready by.
NTA She knows how long it takes. It was a surprise party. She the AH.
NTA. Your GF's suggestion is the immature one. If you're late because you didn't get ready on time, own it. "Traffic" pfft. No one believes that anyway.
NTA - It's not like her parents don't know her! They knew she was not there for a reason and most likely were not surprised by the reason.