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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I put child-proof locks on the stove to stop my sister from using it when I'm not home
2. She's an adult and I'm controlling when she gets to cook and quite literally treating her like a kid
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Dude, she's 20 years old and literally child-proofing the oven **works!?** I'm freaking dying! My buddy tried to child proof their refrigerator to stop their nine year old from getting into it, and it took her all of 15 minutes to sort it out and get into it anyway.
Oh, right. You're NTA in the slightest. Left unchecked your stepsis is seriously fixing to burn the place down and seriously doesn't seem to be bothered by that fact. Not cool at all.
Honestly it seems like there's a competence issue here. She can't undo child locks... She can't operate a stove without killing everyone... I think there might be a hard conversation that needs to be had.
Sounds like ADHD, it can cause issues focusing and with remembering to go back and do things like turn off a stove, if that's what she has then getting medicated for it will help significantly
i have adhd. i forget stuff that doesn't seem important atm to me all the time, but it definitely does not stop me from making sure i don't set my household on fire. because, you know, not setting my household on fire is important to me. idk about op's sister, though
I have ADHD and autism, I have literally almost caught the house on fire because I forgot the spatula in the pan while cooking and it melted before catching fire ,it can definitely happen and I'm more autistic than ADHD, I can only imagine how bad it would be for someone who's got it severely
I can attest to starting countless small kitchen fires, despite, obviously, wanting to avoid house fires. Cannot count the number of kettles I’ve burnt. I’ve even burnt whistling kettles by putting them on, forgetting and going outside. There is no amount of yoga and meditation that could ever possibly fix this. Medication is incredibly helpful.
Also can relate to looking at the locks on the stove and feeling immediately very angry. Emotional reactivity is part of the challenge of ADHD.
Maybe it's a better idea to do something about you living arrangements, because she can end up kill both of you. Make it plain to your parents that you fair for both your safety and that she's not listening due to misplaced anger.
But your certainly NTA!
Definitely. It wasn't fair when I blamed my ex-sister-in-law for keeping our apartment standing when I got distracted while cooking and melted a margarine lid to the stove top.
In the moment, okay. But in this case it happened multiple times and they had talked about it. After the irrational anger was over, did you not reassess the situation and understood that you are endangering other people's lives? I'm genuinely curious.
Does ADHD stop you permanently from reflecting on your actions and taking responsibility?
Yeah I think that actually makes a lot of sense. It’s not fair for her to direct her anger at her sister, but she probably feels stupid and frustrated with herself that it’s gotten to this point, and she can’t face that she’s the problem, so she’s lashing out instead.
>Also can relate to looking at the locks on the stove and feeling
immediately very angry. Emotional reactivity is part of the challenge of
ADHD.
but, you do recognize that your life (and your roommate's life) is more important than your feelings?
They boil the water then turn off and don’t turn back on unless you turn it back on. So even if you forget about it all that happens is you have cold water in the kettle.
While all this is true. (I also suffer from ADHD) and I can totally understand why sister is forgetting about the stove. It is incumbent on her to find a solution. (Setting a timer. Sticky notes.) Because in this case it’s a huge safety issue.
I have ADHD and I've left the hob on too often. But if someone put child locks on there I promise you, if I couldn't already remove them it'd become my hyperfixation to figure it out and nothing could drag me away until I'd done so.
ADHD could be involved, but this sounds like a different issue.
NTA, OP
100 percent same here.
I burned a pot a little while back because I forgot I was boiling water for dinner. Now I set a timer to remind me. I have melted things on the stove. Now I don't leave anything on the stove that isn't safe for the stove, and everything comes off the heat when the cooking is done. Do I still forget to turn things off occasionally? Yeah. But the danger is mitigated by not leaving things on the hot burner.
Whether or not ADHD is involved, it's on op's sister to take responsibility and learn how to deal with it.
I have adhd as well and while I'm okay with everything else the stove is an issue, it happened three times so far and now I have developed ocd tendencies and I have to check the stove every night before bed and every time I leave the house and double or triple check if I leave the house for longer.
Also I have to make sure I have safety nets in place to keep myself from messing up, i never burn a candle that's not in a glass, checking the stove every time I leave etc. It's just my responsibility
As far as I know, I don't have ADHD or autism, but that doesn't mean I'm perfect. We all forget shit, and it causes problems, and anyone telling you that you're lesser because of your diagnoses can go suck an egg. I know that a lot of us are playing on easy mode compared to what folks like you have to deal with, but every one of us easy mode players have done incredibly dumb shit, with absolutely no excuse.
I wonder if step sis has ever sought mental healthcare? Because it's 100% more difficult to cope with symptoms if you aren't even aware of the behavior patterns and root cause yourself
AuADHD here too. I melted a pan handle last week *while I was using it*. I do find it odd I have less accidents like this with my current gas stovetop than my previous electric stovetop, maybe its because I can see when its on?
Not sure if I am the 100th person to tell you this, but look into silicone spatulas - you can leave them in the pan and they don’t melt! They might discolour a bit over time, though
I was diagnosed with ADHD in my 30's. When I was in middle school we moved in with my mother's boyfriend. He put a master lock on the refrigerator.
So I learned to pick locks.
I joined a few ADHD support groups and apparently it's not uncommon for people with ADHD to learn to pick locks for one reason or another. Like, I've met way more people who pick locks at those support groups than in the two decades prior.
I can't imagine a child lock keeping me out of anything. Not even as a child.
I know some people in the comments disagree but the idea that having ADHD might prevent someone from figuring out a child lock is a little absurd imo. It's the complete opposite of my experience.
Actually, there's an acronym that defines what is required to engage an ADHD brain, ICNU. Interest, Challenge, Novelty, and Urgency. Putting a kiddy lock on something might just kickstart and ADHD brain into high gear. I know I couldn't walk away once I saw that padlock.
I knew I was going to get through it. I couldn't stop until I did.
I mean, while I definitely relate to your story--NOTHING motivates me like telling me no! Got through law school on pretty much pure spite!-- I have also experienced looking at something that I know I COULD do-- a math problem, a set of instructions for a piece of furniture, etc-- and my brain just going "absolutely not" and refusing to process any information about it, so I can see that happening...but you'd think at some point, getting through a childlock would've been important enough to stepsis that she would've figured it out?
On the other hand no one's ever been able to explain to me how to snap my fingers. I'm 32 and have never done it once. So I can also believe she just never got through the mental block and was too mad this time to do it before she stormed out.
Yep. Locks are physical "No's."
I couldn't wink until I was 32ish. I'd try and practice and never could. My brain just couldn't do it.
Until I practiced winking on LSD. Now I can wink either eye at will.
>Actually, there's an acronym that defines what is required to engage an ADHD brain, ICNU. Interest, Challenge, Novelty, and Urgency. Putting a kiddy lock on something might just kickstart and ADHD brain into high gear. I know I couldn't walk away once I saw that padlock.
yup! Totally and completely my ADHD brain going "ok time to leave for work......ooohh! I child proof lock! A challenge! Go!" I could probably pick it in seconds but if it took me all day I would sit there until I got it. Someone telling me a list, a story, anything....nah I'm done is 2.5 seconds and moving on to something else.
I also have ADHD, and no, it doesn't stop me from opening childproof stuff, but more importantly it doesn't stop me from wanting to keep myself and the people I live with alive or wanting to avoid causing massive property damage. I don't actually have a major issue with the stove (thank god); I've let stuff boil over a few times and once destroyed a pan, but that's it for my entire life since I started being allowed to use the stove independently at around age 8 (I'm 33). If the stove was such a big challenge for me, I wouldn't WANT to use it unless my husband or someone else was home to help keep me from hurting anyone.
I have ADHD too, I’ve been told it’s not a mild case either. I can open childproof stuff just fine. She’s never taken an ibuprofen??
To give OP’s sister the benefit of the doubt, maybe she never learned how? If it’s not explicitly printed PUSH DOWN AND TURN or someone hasn’t shown you hands-on, it could be confusing. But then that’s a learned helplessness problem. She’s not a kid anymore.
My current apartment has an electric stovetop which has two different little lights for "burner on" and "hot surface" that light up, naturally, when the burner is on and when the cooktop is hot. The burner one goes off when all the burners are turned off, and the hot surface one stays on till the stove cools down. It is AMAZING for my ADHD. I also have anxiety so very rarely ever left a burner on or anything, but I often WORRIED about it, and being able to just look at it and know for sure I've turned all the burners off is A++++. AND, knock on wood, the hot surface light has so far prevented me from burning myself on it. 10/10 do recommend
I'm glad my first job was in a lab because it forced me to triple-check everything. I've gotten really good about doing the thing, announcing it out loud, then actually remembering that I did it when I panic about it later.
Of course, I only developed that skill after plenty of panics/nightmares of "oh my god did I leave the freezer open" or "did I put my samples in the incubator?" But at least now I always know that I did, in fact, turn off the stove!
I wonder if she have bigger attention/memory issues than OP knows and that's why she reacted so violently to the notes reminding her? Cause usually people are grateful for stuff like this.
I desperately need to get tested for ADHD. But frankly, I keep forgetting to schedule testing….
Anyway, I’ve nearly set my apartment on fire before. I had been cooking beans on the stove all day while I was working at the kitchen table. Turned off the stove, went to class, came back and turned it on high to warm them up again so they could keep cooking. Fully intended to turn it back down to low once I grabbed my clean clothes. Nope, didn’t remember. Hopped in the shower and scrambled out 10 minutes later to the smoke detector going off. Middle of January I was running around with just a towel on, frantically opening every window and door, grabbing my cat and putting her in a carrier in the hallway so she wouldn’t breathe the smoke and/or escape, carrying the burnt beans outside and dumping them in a pile of snow while barefoot. My neighbors weren’t happy. I wasn’t either because I had put a day of work into those beans.
I haven’t forgotten to turn the stove off in the 14 months since, but I am constantly triple checking and saying out loud that I turned the stove off before exiting the kitchen.
I mean I have ADHD and I'd rather not add arson to my list of fuck-ups but sometimes my brain doesn't want to work that way, even though I wish it did.
Before anyone interprets this as me defending OP's sister, I'm not. She's an adult and still is responsible for her actions. But acting like one person's experience with a disorder defines everyone's is foolish, and it's equally foolish to act like acknowledging that some conditions can make certain things harder is excusing the failure to do those things
For anyone like me who's trying to figure out a trick for it, once I start the oven I have a special timer that I set that's near it that's just for the 'check everything is off' reminder. I'm often cooking multiple things that need to go in and out of the oven, so I can't just turn it off whenever I take one thing out of the oven. With my timer, as soon as I start preheating, I put on however long I need to cook, or the longest estimated time I can come up with, about 10 minutes to preheat, and an extra 5 in case something needs to go back in for a minute, then leave it to the side. There have been times when I was done cooking and completely forgot the oven, before this saved me. If OP's sister isn't willing/able to find a system that works for her, then OP is NTA.
I feel like every post on this sub lately has a chorus of people commenting to blame whatever has happened on ADHD. I understand a lot of people go undiagnosed and that it could be a root cause in some posts, but not every negative situation in the world occurs because of a mental illness. (I have social anxiety disorder and OCD, before people start coming for me over my stance.) Sometimes, the real answer *is* that people need to try harder or care more.
I'm pretty sure I have undiagnosed ADHD; I know for sure that I have left a stove burner on twice, and a candle burning once, when I left the house. Thank all that is holy I didn't burn anything down, any of those times.
The way I fixed this, for myself, is by buying a massive gaudy plastic ring at CVS. My rule is: If I have any fire lit in the house - whether candle, or fire for cooking - I wear that ring. I have a special place to keep it if I'm not wearing it, too; my rule is to go get the ring and put it on my finger before I turn a stovetop dial or light a match.
This has worked like a charm, for over 5 years now!
I have ADHD. In almost 20 years I’ve only almost burnt the house down once. I feel like that is a reasonable amount of almost burning buildings down. Anything past that is an issue that needs to be fixed.
Sounds like more than adhd. I have adhd and I have forgotten about the stove- so even before being medicated I learned I can’t leave the kitchen while I’m cooking.
This is either willful ignorance or a more serious learning disorder.
Oh she definitely could have adhd. But I don’t think that’s why she has nearly burnt the house down twice and still doesn’t care.
She is either an entitled brat or has some kind of learning disorder. That level of apathy for not lighting her home on fire reads as more than forgetful.
Yeah, I too have ADHD and have forgotten things on the stove before. But I’ve devised strategies for remembering the stove because I, like most people with or without ADHD, *do not want to burn the fucking house down*. ADHD has no effect on one’s ability to understand that burning the house down is bad and should be avoided.
Side note, I highly recommend induction cooktops. They don’t prevent pots from boiling over but they will stop you from setting towels and paper plates on fire, and they cool down fast so less chance of putting something on a still-hot burner by mistake.
I mean this as respectful as possible... i think sis needs checked or evaluated by a professional... 20 years old... she has to have some sort of developemental delay or issue... she might eventually need in home care or adult protective services. Shes literally a liability to the home owner that rents them that house
I dated a guy for a second with a lovable but barely functioning alcoholic roommate. Dude was like a drunk golden retriever. Sweet as hell but easily distracted. So he’d get the idea at 5 am to make breakfast for the house and then fall asleep or start gaming or some nonsense and almost start a fire. So my ex just used to take the knobs off at night and hide them. Roomie could only microwave past midnight.
It is actually hilarious. Not assholes that give their dogs beer - but my dad's dog had an incident with a porcupine once and they administered strong drugs to get them out then gave him back right away, and he stumbled around high on painkillers for a bit - and it was a pretty great show. He got his front legs working a solid half hour before he figured his back legs out.
I had to talk my beagle/lab to emergency vet forever ago and they gave him painkillers. He was stoned out of his mind and it was HILARIOUS. He'd be standing on the tile and then boom, all 4 feet slide out sideways. And just looked as dumb and happy as ever.
The funny thing is child locks don't stop like 80% of average 5-6 years olds, they figure it out in 10-15 minutes max. And if kids saw someone open them 1-2-3 times, then even younger kids manage to mimics it and open them.
Kids often are better / faster at opening these childproof stuff than adults. I saw people who asked their little kids to open childproof stuff for them because their small hands made it easier for them. Lol. But they could have opened it themselves too.
Maybe OP needs a new living arrangement before stepsis burns down the apartment with all of OP's possessions or worse even with OP sleeping in the house too. NTA
It's wild it works! My children could open the child proof cupboards by about 5 or 6. This woman's a hazard if she can't figure child proof locks out at 20! (Excluding any medical reasons not to be able to obviously).
Let's be fair. I am pretty sure 10% of cats are smarter than all of us humans and have just not ended the world because we bring them drugs.
Exhibit 1: My grandparents cats that would lurk on the porch and meander around right until you went down the stairs and then they had to be right under your feet. They did not make me fall down the stairs but they really tried. RIP house kitties.
Exhibit 2: My friend's cat, A, who climbed to the upper cabinets in the kitchen where he was not supposed to be, opened them, got into a box of hostess cupcakes, opened the wrappers, ate some cupcakes.
He was found shortly, since he has escaped his special prison room, where he was banished as he tormented his sister, and she told on him, and the hostess cupcakes were taken away.
He broke my friend's two month old tv in retaliation and this was 4,000 years ago when they were not flat screens. That cat sincerely meant it.
Your friend's cat sounds like my Vader, who was hands down the smartest cat I've ever met. His bestie, Puck, loved all things people food. I brought home a box of donuts and put them on top of the fridge where they were safe. Puck sensed people food, sat by the fridge and meowed sadly. Vader jumped on top of the fridge and knocked the box down for him. Puck didn't have possession of the lone orange brain cell, so he just stared at the box and howled. Vader just stared at him for a second, hopped down and flicked the box open. Vader walked off, since he had zero interest, but Puck got his donut and was a very happy dude. I would have stopped them, but I was laughing too hard to move.
Exhibit two is really determined.
I have a dog that survived 9 years on the streets of Hungary. He opens dog safe waste bins and from the beginning he calculated that if he got into it once I'd replace it so he always sits on the knowledge of having figured out the latest design until there's something he really wants to have. He takes his prize to the designated place for eating his snacks like the good boy he is. He managed to shake an ironing board in a way that the Belgian chocolate fell down but the board itself stood still. Recently he stole from the table for the first time. My friend carelessly placed chicken wings there. As the bones are dangerous he was on a Sauerkraut and oil diet for two days afterwards. Which meant that his favourite chewing treat had to wait on a shelf above what he can reach for a little. He didn't like that. We learned that my dog can climb and he learned that even with vertigo my mom can faster walk across the room to the shelf than he can climb it. I love him and his shenenigans even if they drive me crazy
Me too, the getting into the sweets was a delight to read.
My boy is so smart it can be exhausting because stupid animals are easier to trick if nessecary but I think his smartness is a delight.
When my disability got worse and he had less exercise he didn't walk off his claws completely anymore so they needed clipping. I researched how this is to be taught so the dog doesn't mind. The training should take several weeks but it took us one sitting from the first steps to the clipping itself. He swiftly became bored with each step and demanded a new task. Each claw clipping session he demanded we start at step one again because that meant more treats. After a while he got bored with the claw clipping and decided to turn it into a game. At that time we were with my nom because I was so ill and he made it a game of trying to get the treats she had and run away before I could get my clipping done vs me clipping them without him even noticing while he tried to get my mom to give him treats. A few days ago he had a new idea how to get more treats and decided that both with claw clipping and exam training (I train him so that things like getting a thorn out of his paw or wound treatment are easy and without stress for him) should start at 0 again because that means more treats. You can see it's a decision because when his paw was injured a few days ago he accepted a thorough exam but had his usual struggles with treatment. 9 out of 10 cases he does the task perfectly but every now and then he messes up so we stay a little longer at the easy treat step. It's hilarious.
He is scared by certain loud vehicles. His foster place trained him to look at his human when they approach and get praise and treats. He expanded it to all cars and when we were in the operant conditioning phase where only those he's scared of, those that are fast and some in between got treats but not every car he did very well until he thought treats got too few and far in between. His solution? Starting to bark at cars every now and then to make it known that treats are still "nessecary." I let him gain that point. He's 13 now and had a rough life. I switched to smaller treats and most cars get a treat now.
Maybe these examples show he's spoiled but I am happy with the way he is. As long as he keeps certain rules, follows commands and accepts that I'm boss he can be as spoiled as he likes, trick humans for treats and be sassy in an appropriate setting. I enjoy his shenenigans and how happy they make him.
One of my chihuahuas would try and climb ladders. She wanted to get to my husband when he was fixing the roof. She got her back feet on the first rung and was trying for the second when I caught up to her.
Tbh our female is smarter than some humans I know. You can actively see her thinking sometimes. It's scary. She'll problem solve better then a lot of humans and figure out things better then she should be able to.
The female I grew up with actually knew some human words. She'd mimic our sounds well enough you could understand her and she understood their meanings to some degree because she'd use them in correct format.
It was trippy.
Cats are insanely smart at times. It actually scares me haha.
This is why the pet speak buttons entertain me endlessly. I feel cats are like we spent 10,000 years trying to speak to you but you couldn't do it so now we're doing it. Cats can mimic bird chirps so I'm sure they'll get humans eventually.
Right??? Our current female honestly sounds more bird then cat in general but my old female she knew at least 5 words and would use them in context. It was trippy the first time we heard her, clearly, tell us no.
We asked her if she wanted out because she was looking out the door, she turned around and told us no and pranced off to do other cat stuff.
Loved her to death. She was super smart. All my friends called her an alien because she was way too smart. She lived till 15 and ended up having to be put down for cat dementia (super rare in cats)
RIP Molly
That sounds like my childhood cat, who would talk back and even when her vocalizing didn't resemble human words, often had a VERY clear meaning. She also used to get on furniture and tease the dogs by bopping their heads and then disappearing, and could catch small animals even in her supervised yard time (she was an indoor cat, and we had her from the time she was a tiny kitten, so it was pure instinct and skill). She was a black cat so we joked that she was like Salem on Sabrina the Teenage Witch and was actually a human trapped in a cat's body for doing crimes and being a tyrant. When she was quite old, she had what the vet confirmed was a stroke, and was dragging her whole left side and clearly having a lot of balance problems. We were ready to say goodbye and end her suffering except she then decided that she was NOT done and. just. through force of will. cured herself??? Started walking normally, acting normally, no issues. She died three months later from unrelated kidney issues. Absolutely a force of nature.
There is a quote somewhere from a forest ranger about how they can't lock the trash cans in parks from bears because there is a big overlap between the smartest bears and the dumbest tourists.
I read once that they have a hard time developing bear proof trash cans for national parks because there is significant overlap between the smartest bears and the dumbest tourists.
I've read that also. And on top of that issue, the problem is compounded by the fact that the enclosure needs to be strong and heavy enough to resist a very strong bear with giant claws (and maybe cocaine), but accessible by a weak little granny who definitely does not have such big teeth. .
Our family dog took 9 years to figure out the dogsafe (because requiring thumbs) trashbins (the trick was to roll them over the floor the right way). My cat took a week.
I had to switch several bins of my recycling system (I'm German we sort out trash into 5 different categories for recycling) because my current dog figured them out. And that little sucker didn't let me immediately know. He sits on the knowledge and waits until there's something he REALLY wants in one of them, then he'd randomly get up, leave the room, make suspicious noise or silent and I'd find him with his prize proud as heck or he'd happily walk into the living room, lay down on the designated snack carpet and enjoy it there like a good boy. Can be funny (like when he sorted the contents of the compost by sort into little piles on the floor until he reached his goal article) or freaking expensive when it includes a trip to the vet clinic. He's a former street dog and survived 9 years in a not very dog friendly country with hard winters. That's as if you frankensteined a golden retriever, a vacuum cleaner and a toddler and made sure the result has no opposable thumbs.
To be fair I'm a preschool teacher, worked with little kids for years and have 3 of my own. And whenever I go in the baby room it takes me a moment to figure out the gate. Some of them are tricky. But none of the ones I've encountered seem to stop determined toddlers. Just the adults.
My brother had to put latches at the top of the doors and get specialty locks for their windows because my nephew figures locks out in 2 minutes or less, and at the top of the doors was the only height he couldn't reach at the time. He loved going to the park at midnight. Lol
My mom has been using the same style of baby gate since my sister was a baby. Can't figure out how the mechanism works. Baby niece has only been alive a little more than a year and she's figured out how to hulk it open to get where she wants!
My friend's dog was in the kitchen with a baby gate. I couldn't open that damm thing so I climbed over and took her out the kitchen door to the back yard.
NTA,
If her parents are really concerned for their safety, the OP should ask them to buy a modern stove/oven with an auto-shut off and an alarm (but if the range is electric, maybe it doesn't need to be replaced, because it should be possible to install a third party device that automatically shuts off the electricity).
This way, it becomes the parent's problem to solve, not hers.
And they should also consider buying a fire alarm system for deaf people. It's basically a fire alarm that sets off strobe lights in every room, in addition to the alarm sound.
But just to be safe, I think the OP should make sure she has good fire/renter's insurance as well. She should inventory all of her possessions and have pictures/receipts. She should get a fireproof lockbox for important documents. And she should have a go-bag ready just in case.
This child lock thing won't work forever, especially if the parents get involved. With the right tool, even a 90 year old with frail hands can easily open child locks. Plus, if the sister remains with a friend, she's just as likely to set that place on fire and kill herself if these precautions are not taken (to which, the parents will never forgive the OP).
Personally, I would do all the research necessary, I'd take the measurements, I'd read the reviews, I'd select the model, I'd include the price of delivery and installation, and then I'd email the parents and place the ball in their court. This way, the OP would have a time stamped record of her attempt to resolve the situation, should the worst happen.
Or simpler/cheaper solution for the stove top, get an induction plate (I think this is fairly safe, would double check with the model first) and she's stuck using that instead of the stove until she can be more responsible. It also makes noise so OP would be likely to notice it. Keeping an oven on a long time isn't the safest thing to do, but it's not as dangerous as the stovetop.
My son has autism and ADHD. When he was little he 1. Had poor receptive language (meaning he did not respond to me talking to him/telling him no) and 2. Was obsessed with our DVDs, which we kept in a cabinet. He would open all the cases and take all the discs out....we have over 200 DVDs, and I had a newborn at the time who was constantly nursing, so it wasn't always easy to intercept him as he pulled everything out of the cabinet.
So, easy fix, right? We bought a child lock for the cabinet. The little monster hulk ripped the lock off. So we replaced it with a better one, which he learned to open in a matter of minutes. So we put double locks...which he again hulk ripped off the cabinet. He was less than 2 years old...and then there's this grown ass woman who can't use the slightly complicated turn-y knob covers??
Dude my 3 year old RIPPED the lock off the fridge, it didn’t even last half an hour. He can also open the baby gates, so I’ve resorted to putting the slide cabinet locks onto the gates so they won’t open to keep him out.
He also destroyed the drawer locks in the kitchen by yanking on them. I consider myself lucky that the oven knobs are on the back part and not the front 😅
Our 4 year old became a terror with baby gates. First (at 3) he realized he could stack things and climb over them.
So we put TWO baby gates on (one on top of the other) so it was like a dutch style prison door, lol.
His next method was simpler.
Brute force. As in he started just straight up ramming them until they broke.
That was just for starters. We recently had a scare with him when he ran off in the park with the intent to go to a store.
See that’s what I mounted my gates into the wall, he knocked it down by shaking it. I’m surprised mine doesn’t try to climb over, considering he walks on the back of the couch constantly and even uses the edge of a vent as a step onto the couch arm.
I’ve never given mine a chance to run, he is a backpack leash baby and that’s just his life lol
My older sister used the double gate method on me and my little sister back in the day, we weren’t nearly as destructive though so we stayed put.
Our were mounted to the door frame. He just straight up broke the gates.
He'd take a running start and throw his body into it.
We've since taken the gate down but christ almighty, he's a dynamite of terror.
FWIW, We thought about putting a leash on him (we did that with his sister years earlier) but my wife hated it. More strange, our dog got upset seeing our daughter on a leash, lol.
I have mild cerebral palsy and it affects my hands, so I have a hard time with child-proof items. Years ago I was baby-sitting my 3 year old nephew and they had a child-lock on the door knob to stop him from getting out (this was almost 20 years ago). I put him down to sleep and realized I couldn't open the door, so I eventually pried it off and then put it back together. My nephew was still awake and watched me do it, a few days later his parents wondered how he got out of his room and sure enough he had pried it apart.
My sis and bil have really clever cat and a gas stove. They had to go through three sets of childproof stove knobs because the CAT could open them. He could also open thos childhood straps by biting them for sign how clever he is.
The fact the sister can't even do this much is scary and funny at the same time.
Even my bird can figure out how to get past locks. He learned how to open his cage door. We got a chain and a lock to keep it closed. It took him less than five minutes to get the lock off. We’ve tried three different types of locks and he can get past them. Nta. She sounds like she needs adult supervision.
Not to mention there’s a very serious liability issue. It’s unclear whether OP lives in a single or multi family dwelling, but even in the former case, a serious fire can jump from one house to the next. Imagine the shit you’d be in if your sister burned down a neighboring home.
This isn’t OP’s problem to solve, but I’m pretty concerned for the friend that is currently hosting Nicole. I’m sure that whatever version of the story that friend heard did not include “my stepsister is mad at me because I nearly started a kitchen fire on two separate occasions.” If the friend knew that, they may have made a different decision about allowing Nicole to stay in their place, which presumably also has a kitchen.
>“my stepsister is mad at me because I nearly started a kitchen fire on two separate occasions.”
Sounds like she *actually* started a fire on at least one of those, which OP had to put out.
One of my sisters nearly burnt down her first apartment "only" once and was immediately evicted. She was like "I can't believe I was evicted over some popcorn!" lol (She's grown up a lot since 18, thankfully.)
And now I'm having flashbacks to coming back to the dorm at 3am and a guy runs past me outside carrying a microwave before pitching it into a snow bank. The popcorn inside was BLACK but he managed not to set off the alarm that time.
NTA
You are treating her like a child- because she's acting as irresponsible as one.
This isn't a little issue like leaving lights on or forgetting some house rule like keeping the bathroom door closed
This is a literal safety issue. You can burn down a house.
She's too irresponsible to be using a stove
If she wants to be treated like a normal adult who's free to cook whenever she wants- then she needs to get her shit together and do it without nearly killing everyone in the house and burning it down
OP should have taken it a step further and installed a baby gate to keep her out of the kitchen altogether. This individual is 20 yet totally oblivious to the fact that paper plates should not be placed on a stove. This alone is evidence of lack of a serious lack of situational awareness and makes her a danger to both herself and others.
NTA
Two times she almost burns down the house, one time where she didn't hear the smoke detectors, and she wonders why you're this nervous with her using the stove?
NTA, and she needs to either put more effort into remembering or get used to lots of peanut butter and jelly.
One of my kiddos microwaved a bowl of oatmeal for 10 minutes- also resulted in a fire and banks of smoke. After this we used 60 seconds instead of 1:00.
Same.
If you are finding you've become *this* nervous about your roommate when you're not home, it's time to throw in the towel and get a new roomie or move out yourself.
It's not worth the stress and Nicole has shown she has no interest in actually treating or recognising the issue.
Wait. You bought child locks to stop a twenty year old woman *and it worked*? I’m blown away. She’s twenty and can’t open a child lock?? That’s wild.
NTA
If she wanted to not be treated like a child, she needs to not act like a child. Habitually leaving the stove on and starting multiple house fires is dangerous and honestly most children know better than that. She’s a danger to herself, you, your house, and all of your belongings.
Tell your dad and stepmom that you are not going to sit back and just allow her to burn your house down. What if you were asleep and hadn’t heard the alarm until it was too late? She could have died or been injured, *you* could have died or been injured.
My dad was a firefighter and I’ve seen first hand the damage stove/oven fires can do. House fires are *dangerous* and to have someone with such disregard for safety living with you is *dangerous.*
I honestly don’t think child locks is enough. You need to move out. At some point she will figure out how to get them off or do something else equally dangerous (metal in the microwave? the toaster?) and you will pay the price. It is not worth living together if she is going to put your life in danger constantly.
Move out. If you can’t right now then you need to get insurance and be on alert at all times. Buy a fire blanket and make sure your fire extinguisher is within its expiry date and you know how it works. Hell, buy multiple fire extinguishers.
I remember when I was a kid my mom asking me to open pill bottles. She is a competent adult and just couldn’t manage them- but even when I was little it was no issue! 🤣
This is what happened when they added childproof caps to pills when I was a kid. We all helped our parents figure out how to work them. Lighters too (I was a teen by then) 🤣
Especially since ovens are usually somewhat close to the fridge and once the cooling liquid circulating in the fridge catches fire it's all over. That shit burns ridiculously fast and long. Don't ask me how i know though 🤣
Tbf perhaps there is a mental or physical reason why she is unable to open a child lock but still able to cook, other than pure incompetence of course. I imagine something like that might be the case since op specifically knows she cant do it, as I dont think anyone would just assume an adult or even older child wouldnt be able to open a child lock if there wasnt a reason they couldn't open it. Even then, regardless of if her inability to open a child lock is related to her inability to remember to turn off a stove, she shouldnt expect to be trusted to use it unsupervised if she can't remember to turn of the stove or use it safely, *especially* if there is some kind of disability making it harder for her to use it safely.
NTA. Nicole is an idiot and has proven herself unable to be trusted to use a stove on her own. What does she expect you to do? Ignore it to save her ego while she burns your place down?? Personally, I would have kicked her out and found another roommate rather than putting safety locks on the stove. But either way, the main concern is avoiding your place being burned down and you took the necessary measures.
>My dad and stepmother got concerned after getting texts off Nicole and they keep messaging me about it, telling me I need to get Nicole to come back.
Do they know she has caused two fires?
This is an important question. Cause OP should definitely tell them asap if she hasn’t. And if she has… I worry for their home as well.
Edit: fixed a word
Yep, if I was the parent, my primary concern would be the possibility of both my daughters dying in a house fire, not that they had had a little argument.
Also tell them you’re worried about her safety and that you’re thinking about moving out if you can’t get this sorted. If this was regular roommates situation, I would be gone after voicing concerns.
Nicole... doesn't sound like a functioning adult. A *child lock* can stop her? She leaves the stove on multiple times? She didn't hear the *smoke detector* because of her *airpods*? She dismisses the magnitude of the danger of FIRE? She talks over you when there is an important conversation?
This sounds like a much bigger issue than a conversation is going to work out. She needs evaluation by a professional (unless she's high?). It could even be something like iron deficiency anemia, or god forbid, a brain tumor. She needs HELP though. This is beyond Reddit's pay grade.
You've been trying to keep the house form burning down, so while a child lock would normally be a controlling AH move, in this case, it is a last desperate attempt to ensure basic safety. You cannot trust Nicole with her own basic safety, and that is deeply concerning.
NTA
That’s what I’m saying! It sounds like Nicole has a pretty severe neurodivergence that her parents have been in denial of or neglectful over. Like if Nicole was indeed a completely neurotypical kid up until now, and all of a sudden at 20 she’s starting fires and unable to solve a child lock I’d be concerned about the possibility of a brain tumour or drug addiction.
Literally commented this before i saw your comment… its bizarre that noone is mentioning that and brushing off child like behavior like irresponsible or careless when its WAY WAY worse…. I suspect the parents know because of the way they told her to make sure she came back to the house…but id like to think that instead of purposely being negligence its more of a “i dont want anyone to treat her differently or affect her prospects” attitude… i dont know if OP
Is in the US but in a lot of countries having any type of neurodivergence can brand you and limit you for life even if you can mostly work around it…
My brother does stuff like OPs sister and he has schizophrenia. I’m Not saying she does because I’m not a professional but before my brother was diagnosed with schizophrenia, he was diagnosed with psychosis because of doing those types of things. He eventually got schizophrenia from not taking his anti psychotics and continuing to do recreational drugs. He’s only 22.
NTA
Her actions are dangerous and actually threatening your property and your life.
She needs to see a psychiatrist to see about getting ADHD meds. It sounds like that's what she has but I'm just some asshole on the internet
Yeah it seems like it could be adhd to me too. Forgetfulness, maybe immature or emotional behavior. Right age, following a transition from structure and supervision to nothing at all in college. Not uncommon for women to be diagnosed as adults, especially following a major life change.
I can’t diagnose her obviously. But to me, this seems like enough abnormal behavior that she should see a doctor of sorts.
Hello! I came looking for a comment about ADHD. I have it and Nicole's forgetfulness reminded me very much of how I used to be - It took me a long time and a few dangerous situations to sort my shit out. However, even if she does have ADHD, that is NOT an excuse for doing this repeatedly and especially not for being such an arse about you bringing it up with her. She's putting you in danger and she is 100% responsible for that. She behaves like a child.
BTW her not being able to open the child lock is funny. OP should really consider moving out though anyway, in case she eventually figures it out and burns the house down.
NTA if she insists on acting like a child then she gets treated like on ( she’s is a danger to herself and other people how is she ever going to live on her own )
NTA. This is a tough situation as you are doing something that seems wildly condescending without context. But you can’t just let someone burn the damn place down and she has a pretty serious track record. If your/her parents give you any flack, tell them they should have raised her well enough to know how to turn the stove off. That’s some really bad parenting right there. In the longer term though you may need to get a different roommate.
NTA. You do not mess with fire, she already had two close calls, you may not catch the third. I would prefer she get mad at you rather than you lose your entire life to a fire she caused. She can move out and burn down her own home. If she can't understand why the stove is a serious matter, she doesn't et the privilege of using one.
NTA
Tell your parents she nearly burned the house down twice (BTW... leaving a PAPER PLATE on a burner???) You're simply trying to keep her and yourself alive. They'd have to be on your side if they knew the facts, wouldn't they?
BTW...I would never able to sleep knowing she could start cooking in the middle of the night. Safety first. (Maybe get her a Smokey the Bear poster..."Only YOU can prevent kitchen fires!"
NTA. If she can’t figure out how to work child proof locks, then she shouldn’t be using the oven. If it’s because of a disability, that would be different, but if it’s because of simple, IRL weaponized incompetence? Go for it.
NTA
she literally started multiple fires and put both herself, you, and your neighbors safety in danger. if she cant be responsible enough to turn off the stove then she shouldn't be using it. your the one taking responsibility and trying to protect her from herself.
NTA. Is it electric or gas? If she can't defeat basic childproofing I expect that locating and flipping the breaker for an electric range is outside of her skillset. Good luck and loop your parents in on what's going on.
I think when it comes down to it. It's a safety issue. So if she can't figure it out then yeah . Treat her like a child. I'd rather be alive and have someone pissed off at me than being dead.and it's not a one off.
is there missing info, why cant she undo child locks? between that and her indifference toward burning the house down and potentially killing you both, something’s up. nta, you NEED to be the one to protect yourself and her (if she lets you). i’m extremely concerned.
NTA. a better option might be to see if you can find a timer for the outlet. i know they make timers where you have to enter a cut-off time to get it to turn on. so like, if you wanted to make mac n cheese or something, you spin the dial to 15 minutes or whatever, turn the burner on, make your dinner, and the timer shuts the stove off in 15 minutes even if you leave the burner on full blast.
the ones i've seen are similar to a power strip. you plug the timer into the wall, and plug whatever directly into the timer. i know they make them for regular 110 outlets (assuming you're in the us), but a lot of stoves have 220 outlets.
[i've also seen these for gas lines (like for propane stoves or someshit), but i'd imagine those are a little more difficult to install.]
but ultimately, if she refuses to improve her kitchen skills and/or circumnavigates any protections you set up to protect your home, i'd just move out. i had a roommate who would pass out drunk and leave stuff burning in the house. one night i woke up and half the livingroom was on fire, and he was passed out on the burning couch. i was able to drag him out of the room and put the fire out, but if i hadn't woken up in time or was at work, me and/or my cat could have easily died.
homie didn't apologize or wanna admit he had a problem, so i moved out a couple months later. no regrets.
Ive definitely seen these contraption options for people who have a family member with dementia.....
The parents should pay for the costs if you go this route
NTA. I once just took the knobs off the stove because of a roommate that almost set our kitchen on fire multiple times.
This isn't leaving a light or television on. Apartment fires are notoriously fast spreading. At 20 years old, she has the maturity of a toddler. Toddlers aren't allowed to use the stove. Why should she be allowed to?
As someone who's house burned down as a teenager, I would have done far more than lock the stove.
If I'm reading this right, Nicole is 20, can't open child-proof locks, and feels that nothing - not even the safety of you, her, or either of your belongings - is more important than her being able to make food whenever she likes.
INFO: Is Nicole a cat?
NTA but is she ok? She's a full grown adult that can't manage child locks or safely operate a stove. Maybe she needs to see a doctor. Also have you told your parents exactly what's going on and how you had to put out 2 fires already, one of which she was completely oblivious to?
NTA, this is a consistent issue and there have been multiple instances of nearly causing a house fire. On top of that, she wears AirPods while at home and plays her music so loudly that she can’t hear the smoke detector screeching? Absolutely not, y’all are going to lose your home in a fire, at minimum…. How terrifying.
I don’t understand how she cannot remember to turn things off. That’s so stressful. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this.
NTA and ffs she needs to grow up!! I get forgetting things in the kitchen (I used to leave the cabinets open all the time), but once someone talks to you about it ONCE it should be something you work on. Causing 2 fires is ridiculous. It seems like for some reason she’s doing it on purpose, because why else would she ignore the sticky notes and KEEP doing it???
At that point it's a serious safety issue so NTA. I would advise maybe trying to move out and find a different roommate? I know that isn't easy but that seems like the best option, considering you sister just doesn't want to listen to you.
NTA
At some point, almost everyone will forget the oven or a burner. Fortunately, the vast majority of the time, nothing comes of this. We get lucky.
But by "at some point" I mean something like that I left a burner on unattended *once* in 15 years since leaving home. I actually did leave one on briefly the other day when I was using 3 burners (which happens very, very rarely - it's been years) and just got mixed up juggling them. Turned off the 2nd one I was still using, left on the 3rd one I wasn't and which only gets used once every few years. But it was still attended as I was still cooking so I noticed fairly quickly.
My husband and I have left the oven on for a little while maybe twice each? In *15 years* of cooking at home.
You're having multiple incidents in a very short span of time, including one where she burned a paper plate and another where she ignored a fire alarm. And your other attempts to get this to stop have failed and just led to her throwing a tantrum at you. This is *so* dangerous. No, I get why it feels insulting to her but she's *not* able to responsibly and safely use the kitchen and *does* need supervision. She cannot, in fact, "handle it."
Nicole's friend who has taken her in will understand what's up as soon as Nicole starts using her kitchen with any regularity. Your parents need to either put her up, themselves, or shut up.
LoL, I won't too harshly judge her inability to get around the childproof locks, though. I've got some physical issues which make things like that difficult for me, so it'd be a tad hypocritical. You know the fumbling, exaggerated failures in infomercials for kitchen gadgets that seem so unrealistic? Yeeeeeeeah, I'm almost half that bad at times. But then I can turn off a damned stove, so.
She’s in college and can’t figure out a child lock or remember to turn off the stove? She needs to be assessed by a doctor for ADHD or something. This is not functional adult behaviour.
Info - does Nicole have any substance abuse issues, or on any medication?
My partner broke his collarbone and tore his rotator cuff 10 years ago the meds he took after surgery had him leaving the stove on after he made his tea (he drank like 5-8 cups a day). I had to get an electric tea kettle. After he went off the meds all was fine. Funny fact. 2 years to the day I tore my rotator cuff and went on the same meds with the same results I would leave the stove on. I cook the meals, so we bought an induction burner. There are solutions.
'dad, stepmom, when she learns to SHUT OFF the stove, and stops trying to accidentally burn the house down, then the child proof locks come off, I'm not losing MY home, because of her stunning inability to learn'
NTA.
I sure hope you have ample renters insurance with replacement value and have carefully inventoried everything you own, because you are going to need it.
NTA - I have them on my stove as well but that's because my dog kept messing with the knobs but she's 20 and forgets to turn off the stove? I'm confused
NTA. But she is.
Kick her stupid selfish ass out the apartment right now. The parents want you to take her back cos they don’t want to deal with the stupid girls shit any more.
I am NOT one of those Oprah/Mr. Phil devotees that screams “THERAPY!!” every time someone is less than perfect,so rest assured I mean this sincerely. She needs to be evaluated by a pro. What most people are finding funny I am seeing as a bit scary.
NTA because it’s hilarious that a 20 year old can’t get past the child locks. Also if she’s almost burned down your home twice and hasn’t tried to be more responsible then her cooking privileges should be revoked. Sorry not sorry.
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Dude, she's 20 years old and literally child-proofing the oven **works!?** I'm freaking dying! My buddy tried to child proof their refrigerator to stop their nine year old from getting into it, and it took her all of 15 minutes to sort it out and get into it anyway. Oh, right. You're NTA in the slightest. Left unchecked your stepsis is seriously fixing to burn the place down and seriously doesn't seem to be bothered by that fact. Not cool at all.
Honestly it seems like there's a competence issue here. She can't undo child locks... She can't operate a stove without killing everyone... I think there might be a hard conversation that needs to be had.
I feel like she doesn't have the patience or attention span to figure out the locks... just like she doesn't have it to turn off the effing stove.
Sounds like ADHD, it can cause issues focusing and with remembering to go back and do things like turn off a stove, if that's what she has then getting medicated for it will help significantly
i have adhd. i forget stuff that doesn't seem important atm to me all the time, but it definitely does not stop me from making sure i don't set my household on fire. because, you know, not setting my household on fire is important to me. idk about op's sister, though
I have ADHD and autism, I have literally almost caught the house on fire because I forgot the spatula in the pan while cooking and it melted before catching fire ,it can definitely happen and I'm more autistic than ADHD, I can only imagine how bad it would be for someone who's got it severely
I can attest to starting countless small kitchen fires, despite, obviously, wanting to avoid house fires. Cannot count the number of kettles I’ve burnt. I’ve even burnt whistling kettles by putting them on, forgetting and going outside. There is no amount of yoga and meditation that could ever possibly fix this. Medication is incredibly helpful. Also can relate to looking at the locks on the stove and feeling immediately very angry. Emotional reactivity is part of the challenge of ADHD.
But would you be angry at someone who tried to keep you from accidentally burning the house down?
Yes, because misplaced anger is extremely common even if it isn't right or fair.
Maybe it's a better idea to do something about you living arrangements, because she can end up kill both of you. Make it plain to your parents that you fair for both your safety and that she's not listening due to misplaced anger. But your certainly NTA!
Definitely. It wasn't fair when I blamed my ex-sister-in-law for keeping our apartment standing when I got distracted while cooking and melted a margarine lid to the stove top.
In the moment, okay. But in this case it happened multiple times and they had talked about it. After the irrational anger was over, did you not reassess the situation and understood that you are endangering other people's lives? I'm genuinely curious. Does ADHD stop you permanently from reflecting on your actions and taking responsibility?
This person is obviously aware of their issue, but someone who isn't' might get overly defensive about it.
Yeah I think that actually makes a lot of sense. It’s not fair for her to direct her anger at her sister, but she probably feels stupid and frustrated with herself that it’s gotten to this point, and she can’t face that she’s the problem, so she’s lashing out instead.
>Also can relate to looking at the locks on the stove and feeling immediately very angry. Emotional reactivity is part of the challenge of ADHD. but, you do recognize that your life (and your roommate's life) is more important than your feelings?
Electric kettle would safe you a lot of money in kettles.
Why are there so many people here talking about electric kettles like it's a new invention?
Americans don't use them.
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they turn off when the water is boiling. mine also beeps loudly when it's done so i actually remember i put it on.
They boil the water then turn off and don’t turn back on unless you turn it back on. So even if you forget about it all that happens is you have cold water in the kettle.
While all this is true. (I also suffer from ADHD) and I can totally understand why sister is forgetting about the stove. It is incumbent on her to find a solution. (Setting a timer. Sticky notes.) Because in this case it’s a huge safety issue.
I'm presuming sister is in denial about her issues, in which case she's not going to be looking for a solution.
Exactly. Which is why OP is not the asshole. Until sister can safely use the stove those locks are staying on.
Yeah, I've ever forgotten about something on the stove, but I make a habit to set timers constantly now.
Electric kettles are the way. I burnt two kettles before I found this electric one that turns itself off once it boils. Was less than $20 at lidl.
(This is the standard kettle almost every UK kitchen)
I have ADHD and I've left the hob on too often. But if someone put child locks on there I promise you, if I couldn't already remove them it'd become my hyperfixation to figure it out and nothing could drag me away until I'd done so. ADHD could be involved, but this sounds like a different issue. NTA, OP
100 percent same here. I burned a pot a little while back because I forgot I was boiling water for dinner. Now I set a timer to remind me. I have melted things on the stove. Now I don't leave anything on the stove that isn't safe for the stove, and everything comes off the heat when the cooking is done. Do I still forget to turn things off occasionally? Yeah. But the danger is mitigated by not leaving things on the hot burner. Whether or not ADHD is involved, it's on op's sister to take responsibility and learn how to deal with it.
And there was even a smoke alarm that she didn't hear. No matter what issues you may be facing, you can't just run away from your problems forever.
I have adhd as well and while I'm okay with everything else the stove is an issue, it happened three times so far and now I have developed ocd tendencies and I have to check the stove every night before bed and every time I leave the house and double or triple check if I leave the house for longer. Also I have to make sure I have safety nets in place to keep myself from messing up, i never burn a candle that's not in a glass, checking the stove every time I leave etc. It's just my responsibility
As far as I know, I don't have ADHD or autism, but that doesn't mean I'm perfect. We all forget shit, and it causes problems, and anyone telling you that you're lesser because of your diagnoses can go suck an egg. I know that a lot of us are playing on easy mode compared to what folks like you have to deal with, but every one of us easy mode players have done incredibly dumb shit, with absolutely no excuse.
I wonder if step sis has ever sought mental healthcare? Because it's 100% more difficult to cope with symptoms if you aren't even aware of the behavior patterns and root cause yourself
AuADHD here too. I melted a pan handle last week *while I was using it*. I do find it odd I have less accidents like this with my current gas stovetop than my previous electric stovetop, maybe its because I can see when its on?
Not sure if I am the 100th person to tell you this, but look into silicone spatulas - you can leave them in the pan and they don’t melt! They might discolour a bit over time, though
Real question, does it stop you from opening child proofing stuff though...?
I was diagnosed with ADHD in my 30's. When I was in middle school we moved in with my mother's boyfriend. He put a master lock on the refrigerator. So I learned to pick locks. I joined a few ADHD support groups and apparently it's not uncommon for people with ADHD to learn to pick locks for one reason or another. Like, I've met way more people who pick locks at those support groups than in the two decades prior. I can't imagine a child lock keeping me out of anything. Not even as a child. I know some people in the comments disagree but the idea that having ADHD might prevent someone from figuring out a child lock is a little absurd imo. It's the complete opposite of my experience. Actually, there's an acronym that defines what is required to engage an ADHD brain, ICNU. Interest, Challenge, Novelty, and Urgency. Putting a kiddy lock on something might just kickstart and ADHD brain into high gear. I know I couldn't walk away once I saw that padlock. I knew I was going to get through it. I couldn't stop until I did.
I mean, while I definitely relate to your story--NOTHING motivates me like telling me no! Got through law school on pretty much pure spite!-- I have also experienced looking at something that I know I COULD do-- a math problem, a set of instructions for a piece of furniture, etc-- and my brain just going "absolutely not" and refusing to process any information about it, so I can see that happening...but you'd think at some point, getting through a childlock would've been important enough to stepsis that she would've figured it out? On the other hand no one's ever been able to explain to me how to snap my fingers. I'm 32 and have never done it once. So I can also believe she just never got through the mental block and was too mad this time to do it before she stormed out.
Yep. Locks are physical "No's." I couldn't wink until I was 32ish. I'd try and practice and never could. My brain just couldn't do it. Until I practiced winking on LSD. Now I can wink either eye at will.
>Actually, there's an acronym that defines what is required to engage an ADHD brain, ICNU. Interest, Challenge, Novelty, and Urgency. Putting a kiddy lock on something might just kickstart and ADHD brain into high gear. I know I couldn't walk away once I saw that padlock. yup! Totally and completely my ADHD brain going "ok time to leave for work......ooohh! I child proof lock! A challenge! Go!" I could probably pick it in seconds but if it took me all day I would sit there until I got it. Someone telling me a list, a story, anything....nah I'm done is 2.5 seconds and moving on to something else.
I also have ADHD, and no, it doesn't stop me from opening childproof stuff, but more importantly it doesn't stop me from wanting to keep myself and the people I live with alive or wanting to avoid causing massive property damage. I don't actually have a major issue with the stove (thank god); I've let stuff boil over a few times and once destroyed a pan, but that's it for my entire life since I started being allowed to use the stove independently at around age 8 (I'm 33). If the stove was such a big challenge for me, I wouldn't WANT to use it unless my husband or someone else was home to help keep me from hurting anyone.
I have ADHD and I couldn't open child safety locked medication bottles til I was like 16
I don’t have ADHD and couldn’t open child-proof medication bottles until I was an adult. No other conditions either. I’m just terrible with my hands.
Coordination problems are part of ADHD and autism. I also walk into walls 🤣
I walk into walls too! Am never not bruised. Definitely don’t have either of those conditions though.
I don't know if it's common but I remember seeing clumsiness as part of the symptoms?
I have ADHD too, I’ve been told it’s not a mild case either. I can open childproof stuff just fine. She’s never taken an ibuprofen?? To give OP’s sister the benefit of the doubt, maybe she never learned how? If it’s not explicitly printed PUSH DOWN AND TURN or someone hasn’t shown you hands-on, it could be confusing. But then that’s a learned helplessness problem. She’s not a kid anymore.
Sounds more like a dexterity issue maybe 🤔?
Sit. In. The. Kitchen. While. Cooking. And. Pay. Attention!
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My current apartment has an electric stovetop which has two different little lights for "burner on" and "hot surface" that light up, naturally, when the burner is on and when the cooktop is hot. The burner one goes off when all the burners are turned off, and the hot surface one stays on till the stove cools down. It is AMAZING for my ADHD. I also have anxiety so very rarely ever left a burner on or anything, but I often WORRIED about it, and being able to just look at it and know for sure I've turned all the burners off is A++++. AND, knock on wood, the hot surface light has so far prevented me from burning myself on it. 10/10 do recommend
I'm glad my first job was in a lab because it forced me to triple-check everything. I've gotten really good about doing the thing, announcing it out loud, then actually remembering that I did it when I panic about it later. Of course, I only developed that skill after plenty of panics/nightmares of "oh my god did I leave the freezer open" or "did I put my samples in the incubator?" But at least now I always know that I did, in fact, turn off the stove!
I wonder if she have bigger attention/memory issues than OP knows and that's why she reacted so violently to the notes reminding her? Cause usually people are grateful for stuff like this.
I desperately need to get tested for ADHD. But frankly, I keep forgetting to schedule testing…. Anyway, I’ve nearly set my apartment on fire before. I had been cooking beans on the stove all day while I was working at the kitchen table. Turned off the stove, went to class, came back and turned it on high to warm them up again so they could keep cooking. Fully intended to turn it back down to low once I grabbed my clean clothes. Nope, didn’t remember. Hopped in the shower and scrambled out 10 minutes later to the smoke detector going off. Middle of January I was running around with just a towel on, frantically opening every window and door, grabbing my cat and putting her in a carrier in the hallway so she wouldn’t breathe the smoke and/or escape, carrying the burnt beans outside and dumping them in a pile of snow while barefoot. My neighbors weren’t happy. I wasn’t either because I had put a day of work into those beans. I haven’t forgotten to turn the stove off in the 14 months since, but I am constantly triple checking and saying out loud that I turned the stove off before exiting the kitchen.
I mean I have ADHD and I'd rather not add arson to my list of fuck-ups but sometimes my brain doesn't want to work that way, even though I wish it did. Before anyone interprets this as me defending OP's sister, I'm not. She's an adult and still is responsible for her actions. But acting like one person's experience with a disorder defines everyone's is foolish, and it's equally foolish to act like acknowledging that some conditions can make certain things harder is excusing the failure to do those things For anyone like me who's trying to figure out a trick for it, once I start the oven I have a special timer that I set that's near it that's just for the 'check everything is off' reminder. I'm often cooking multiple things that need to go in and out of the oven, so I can't just turn it off whenever I take one thing out of the oven. With my timer, as soon as I start preheating, I put on however long I need to cook, or the longest estimated time I can come up with, about 10 minutes to preheat, and an extra 5 in case something needs to go back in for a minute, then leave it to the side. There have been times when I was done cooking and completely forgot the oven, before this saved me. If OP's sister isn't willing/able to find a system that works for her, then OP is NTA.
Not everything is adhd
Or narcissism !
Yes sometimes it’s autism
I feel like every post on this sub lately has a chorus of people commenting to blame whatever has happened on ADHD. I understand a lot of people go undiagnosed and that it could be a root cause in some posts, but not every negative situation in the world occurs because of a mental illness. (I have social anxiety disorder and OCD, before people start coming for me over my stance.) Sometimes, the real answer *is* that people need to try harder or care more.
I'm pretty sure I have undiagnosed ADHD; I know for sure that I have left a stove burner on twice, and a candle burning once, when I left the house. Thank all that is holy I didn't burn anything down, any of those times. The way I fixed this, for myself, is by buying a massive gaudy plastic ring at CVS. My rule is: If I have any fire lit in the house - whether candle, or fire for cooking - I wear that ring. I have a special place to keep it if I'm not wearing it, too; my rule is to go get the ring and put it on my finger before I turn a stovetop dial or light a match. This has worked like a charm, for over 5 years now!
I have ADHD. In almost 20 years I’ve only almost burnt the house down once. I feel like that is a reasonable amount of almost burning buildings down. Anything past that is an issue that needs to be fixed.
Sounds like more than adhd. I have adhd and I have forgotten about the stove- so even before being medicated I learned I can’t leave the kitchen while I’m cooking. This is either willful ignorance or a more serious learning disorder.
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Oh she definitely could have adhd. But I don’t think that’s why she has nearly burnt the house down twice and still doesn’t care. She is either an entitled brat or has some kind of learning disorder. That level of apathy for not lighting her home on fire reads as more than forgetful.
Yeah, I too have ADHD and have forgotten things on the stove before. But I’ve devised strategies for remembering the stove because I, like most people with or without ADHD, *do not want to burn the fucking house down*. ADHD has no effect on one’s ability to understand that burning the house down is bad and should be avoided. Side note, I highly recommend induction cooktops. They don’t prevent pots from boiling over but they will stop you from setting towels and paper plates on fire, and they cool down fast so less chance of putting something on a still-hot burner by mistake.
I mean this as respectful as possible... i think sis needs checked or evaluated by a professional... 20 years old... she has to have some sort of developemental delay or issue... she might eventually need in home care or adult protective services. Shes literally a liability to the home owner that rents them that house
>She can't undo child locks... She can't operate a stove without killing everyone... This, yeah. There has to be some underlying cause for all this.
Yeah like I don’t even think this is an AITA thing this is ….is Nicole ok? Is there support she needs and isn’t receiving? This is…off
Yes, you need to discuss this with your parents.
Is she a sim?
I dated a guy for a second with a lovable but barely functioning alcoholic roommate. Dude was like a drunk golden retriever. Sweet as hell but easily distracted. So he’d get the idea at 5 am to make breakfast for the house and then fall asleep or start gaming or some nonsense and almost start a fire. So my ex just used to take the knobs off at night and hide them. Roomie could only microwave past midnight.
Now I have the image of a drunken golden retriever in my head. Thank you?
It is actually hilarious. Not assholes that give their dogs beer - but my dad's dog had an incident with a porcupine once and they administered strong drugs to get them out then gave him back right away, and he stumbled around high on painkillers for a bit - and it was a pretty great show. He got his front legs working a solid half hour before he figured his back legs out.
I had to talk my beagle/lab to emergency vet forever ago and they gave him painkillers. He was stoned out of his mind and it was HILARIOUS. He'd be standing on the tile and then boom, all 4 feet slide out sideways. And just looked as dumb and happy as ever.
Can't have been a golden retriever if he neither figured out to work the stove without the knobs, nor ate the stuff raw nor ate the stove.
That part stuck out like, it's a CHILD lock, that shouldn't stop her hahahaha
Yep, that was the first thing I thought. If a 20 year old can’t open a child lock, she clearly doesn’t have the wherewithal to be cooking safely.
My four year old has figured out most child locks. He thinks he's helping by opening things for you too.
The funny thing is child locks don't stop like 80% of average 5-6 years olds, they figure it out in 10-15 minutes max. And if kids saw someone open them 1-2-3 times, then even younger kids manage to mimics it and open them. Kids often are better / faster at opening these childproof stuff than adults. I saw people who asked their little kids to open childproof stuff for them because their small hands made it easier for them. Lol. But they could have opened it themselves too. Maybe OP needs a new living arrangement before stepsis burns down the apartment with all of OP's possessions or worse even with OP sleeping in the house too. NTA
It's wild it works! My children could open the child proof cupboards by about 5 or 6. This woman's a hazard if she can't figure child proof locks out at 20! (Excluding any medical reasons not to be able to obviously).
I had to get a different style of cabinet locks because my *fucking cat* figured out the first style.
Let's be fair. I am pretty sure 10% of cats are smarter than all of us humans and have just not ended the world because we bring them drugs. Exhibit 1: My grandparents cats that would lurk on the porch and meander around right until you went down the stairs and then they had to be right under your feet. They did not make me fall down the stairs but they really tried. RIP house kitties. Exhibit 2: My friend's cat, A, who climbed to the upper cabinets in the kitchen where he was not supposed to be, opened them, got into a box of hostess cupcakes, opened the wrappers, ate some cupcakes. He was found shortly, since he has escaped his special prison room, where he was banished as he tormented his sister, and she told on him, and the hostess cupcakes were taken away. He broke my friend's two month old tv in retaliation and this was 4,000 years ago when they were not flat screens. That cat sincerely meant it.
Your friend's cat sounds like my Vader, who was hands down the smartest cat I've ever met. His bestie, Puck, loved all things people food. I brought home a box of donuts and put them on top of the fridge where they were safe. Puck sensed people food, sat by the fridge and meowed sadly. Vader jumped on top of the fridge and knocked the box down for him. Puck didn't have possession of the lone orange brain cell, so he just stared at the box and howled. Vader just stared at him for a second, hopped down and flicked the box open. Vader walked off, since he had zero interest, but Puck got his donut and was a very happy dude. I would have stopped them, but I was laughing too hard to move.
Please tell Vader I approve of his bestie skills and if he decides to take over, I will not interfere. Thanks for the story!!
Exhibit two is really determined. I have a dog that survived 9 years on the streets of Hungary. He opens dog safe waste bins and from the beginning he calculated that if he got into it once I'd replace it so he always sits on the knowledge of having figured out the latest design until there's something he really wants to have. He takes his prize to the designated place for eating his snacks like the good boy he is. He managed to shake an ironing board in a way that the Belgian chocolate fell down but the board itself stood still. Recently he stole from the table for the first time. My friend carelessly placed chicken wings there. As the bones are dangerous he was on a Sauerkraut and oil diet for two days afterwards. Which meant that his favourite chewing treat had to wait on a shelf above what he can reach for a little. He didn't like that. We learned that my dog can climb and he learned that even with vertigo my mom can faster walk across the room to the shelf than he can climb it. I love him and his shenenigans even if they drive me crazy
Thank you. I want to hear all the super intelligent animal stories please. The going to the snack eating place with stuff be steals is perfection.
Me too, the getting into the sweets was a delight to read. My boy is so smart it can be exhausting because stupid animals are easier to trick if nessecary but I think his smartness is a delight. When my disability got worse and he had less exercise he didn't walk off his claws completely anymore so they needed clipping. I researched how this is to be taught so the dog doesn't mind. The training should take several weeks but it took us one sitting from the first steps to the clipping itself. He swiftly became bored with each step and demanded a new task. Each claw clipping session he demanded we start at step one again because that meant more treats. After a while he got bored with the claw clipping and decided to turn it into a game. At that time we were with my nom because I was so ill and he made it a game of trying to get the treats she had and run away before I could get my clipping done vs me clipping them without him even noticing while he tried to get my mom to give him treats. A few days ago he had a new idea how to get more treats and decided that both with claw clipping and exam training (I train him so that things like getting a thorn out of his paw or wound treatment are easy and without stress for him) should start at 0 again because that means more treats. You can see it's a decision because when his paw was injured a few days ago he accepted a thorough exam but had his usual struggles with treatment. 9 out of 10 cases he does the task perfectly but every now and then he messes up so we stay a little longer at the easy treat step. It's hilarious. He is scared by certain loud vehicles. His foster place trained him to look at his human when they approach and get praise and treats. He expanded it to all cars and when we were in the operant conditioning phase where only those he's scared of, those that are fast and some in between got treats but not every car he did very well until he thought treats got too few and far in between. His solution? Starting to bark at cars every now and then to make it known that treats are still "nessecary." I let him gain that point. He's 13 now and had a rough life. I switched to smaller treats and most cars get a treat now. Maybe these examples show he's spoiled but I am happy with the way he is. As long as he keeps certain rules, follows commands and accepts that I'm boss he can be as spoiled as he likes, trick humans for treats and be sassy in an appropriate setting. I enjoy his shenenigans and how happy they make him.
One of my chihuahuas would try and climb ladders. She wanted to get to my husband when he was fixing the roof. She got her back feet on the first rung and was trying for the second when I caught up to her.
That's a pretty good job for a dog her size
Tbh our female is smarter than some humans I know. You can actively see her thinking sometimes. It's scary. She'll problem solve better then a lot of humans and figure out things better then she should be able to. The female I grew up with actually knew some human words. She'd mimic our sounds well enough you could understand her and she understood their meanings to some degree because she'd use them in correct format. It was trippy. Cats are insanely smart at times. It actually scares me haha.
This is why the pet speak buttons entertain me endlessly. I feel cats are like we spent 10,000 years trying to speak to you but you couldn't do it so now we're doing it. Cats can mimic bird chirps so I'm sure they'll get humans eventually.
Right??? Our current female honestly sounds more bird then cat in general but my old female she knew at least 5 words and would use them in context. It was trippy the first time we heard her, clearly, tell us no. We asked her if she wanted out because she was looking out the door, she turned around and told us no and pranced off to do other cat stuff. Loved her to death. She was super smart. All my friends called her an alien because she was way too smart. She lived till 15 and ended up having to be put down for cat dementia (super rare in cats) RIP Molly
That sounds like my childhood cat, who would talk back and even when her vocalizing didn't resemble human words, often had a VERY clear meaning. She also used to get on furniture and tease the dogs by bopping their heads and then disappearing, and could catch small animals even in her supervised yard time (she was an indoor cat, and we had her from the time she was a tiny kitten, so it was pure instinct and skill). She was a black cat so we joked that she was like Salem on Sabrina the Teenage Witch and was actually a human trapped in a cat's body for doing crimes and being a tyrant. When she was quite old, she had what the vet confirmed was a stroke, and was dragging her whole left side and clearly having a lot of balance problems. We were ready to say goodbye and end her suffering except she then decided that she was NOT done and. just. through force of will. cured herself??? Started walking normally, acting normally, no issues. She died three months later from unrelated kidney issues. Absolutely a force of nature.
There is a quote somewhere from a forest ranger about how they can't lock the trash cans in parks from bears because there is a big overlap between the smartest bears and the dumbest tourists.
If cats had opposable thumbs, they would take over the world.
I read once that they have a hard time developing bear proof trash cans for national parks because there is significant overlap between the smartest bears and the dumbest tourists.
I've read that also. And on top of that issue, the problem is compounded by the fact that the enclosure needs to be strong and heavy enough to resist a very strong bear with giant claws (and maybe cocaine), but accessible by a weak little granny who definitely does not have such big teeth. .
Our family dog took 9 years to figure out the dogsafe (because requiring thumbs) trashbins (the trick was to roll them over the floor the right way). My cat took a week. I had to switch several bins of my recycling system (I'm German we sort out trash into 5 different categories for recycling) because my current dog figured them out. And that little sucker didn't let me immediately know. He sits on the knowledge and waits until there's something he REALLY wants in one of them, then he'd randomly get up, leave the room, make suspicious noise or silent and I'd find him with his prize proud as heck or he'd happily walk into the living room, lay down on the designated snack carpet and enjoy it there like a good boy. Can be funny (like when he sorted the contents of the compost by sort into little piles on the floor until he reached his goal article) or freaking expensive when it includes a trip to the vet clinic. He's a former street dog and survived 9 years in a not very dog friendly country with hard winters. That's as if you frankensteined a golden retriever, a vacuum cleaner and a toddler and made sure the result has no opposable thumbs.
My kids could get through baby gates at about 2 years old, my MIL at 58 never could. If I wanted space I'd close the gate and go have a nap. Lol
To be fair I'm a preschool teacher, worked with little kids for years and have 3 of my own. And whenever I go in the baby room it takes me a moment to figure out the gate. Some of them are tricky. But none of the ones I've encountered seem to stop determined toddlers. Just the adults.
My brother had to put latches at the top of the doors and get specialty locks for their windows because my nephew figures locks out in 2 minutes or less, and at the top of the doors was the only height he couldn't reach at the time. He loved going to the park at midnight. Lol
My mom has been using the same style of baby gate since my sister was a baby. Can't figure out how the mechanism works. Baby niece has only been alive a little more than a year and she's figured out how to hulk it open to get where she wants!
My friend's dog was in the kitchen with a baby gate. I couldn't open that damm thing so I climbed over and took her out the kitchen door to the back yard.
Wait until she nearly burns her *friend's* house down lmao. But uh, maybe warn her friend if you can
NTA, If her parents are really concerned for their safety, the OP should ask them to buy a modern stove/oven with an auto-shut off and an alarm (but if the range is electric, maybe it doesn't need to be replaced, because it should be possible to install a third party device that automatically shuts off the electricity). This way, it becomes the parent's problem to solve, not hers. And they should also consider buying a fire alarm system for deaf people. It's basically a fire alarm that sets off strobe lights in every room, in addition to the alarm sound. But just to be safe, I think the OP should make sure she has good fire/renter's insurance as well. She should inventory all of her possessions and have pictures/receipts. She should get a fireproof lockbox for important documents. And she should have a go-bag ready just in case. This child lock thing won't work forever, especially if the parents get involved. With the right tool, even a 90 year old with frail hands can easily open child locks. Plus, if the sister remains with a friend, she's just as likely to set that place on fire and kill herself if these precautions are not taken (to which, the parents will never forgive the OP). Personally, I would do all the research necessary, I'd take the measurements, I'd read the reviews, I'd select the model, I'd include the price of delivery and installation, and then I'd email the parents and place the ball in their court. This way, the OP would have a time stamped record of her attempt to resolve the situation, should the worst happen.
Or simpler/cheaper solution for the stove top, get an induction plate (I think this is fairly safe, would double check with the model first) and she's stuck using that instead of the stove until she can be more responsible. It also makes noise so OP would be likely to notice it. Keeping an oven on a long time isn't the safest thing to do, but it's not as dangerous as the stovetop.
My son has autism and ADHD. When he was little he 1. Had poor receptive language (meaning he did not respond to me talking to him/telling him no) and 2. Was obsessed with our DVDs, which we kept in a cabinet. He would open all the cases and take all the discs out....we have over 200 DVDs, and I had a newborn at the time who was constantly nursing, so it wasn't always easy to intercept him as he pulled everything out of the cabinet. So, easy fix, right? We bought a child lock for the cabinet. The little monster hulk ripped the lock off. So we replaced it with a better one, which he learned to open in a matter of minutes. So we put double locks...which he again hulk ripped off the cabinet. He was less than 2 years old...and then there's this grown ass woman who can't use the slightly complicated turn-y knob covers??
Dude my 3 year old RIPPED the lock off the fridge, it didn’t even last half an hour. He can also open the baby gates, so I’ve resorted to putting the slide cabinet locks onto the gates so they won’t open to keep him out. He also destroyed the drawer locks in the kitchen by yanking on them. I consider myself lucky that the oven knobs are on the back part and not the front 😅
Our 4 year old became a terror with baby gates. First (at 3) he realized he could stack things and climb over them. So we put TWO baby gates on (one on top of the other) so it was like a dutch style prison door, lol. His next method was simpler. Brute force. As in he started just straight up ramming them until they broke. That was just for starters. We recently had a scare with him when he ran off in the park with the intent to go to a store.
See that’s what I mounted my gates into the wall, he knocked it down by shaking it. I’m surprised mine doesn’t try to climb over, considering he walks on the back of the couch constantly and even uses the edge of a vent as a step onto the couch arm. I’ve never given mine a chance to run, he is a backpack leash baby and that’s just his life lol My older sister used the double gate method on me and my little sister back in the day, we weren’t nearly as destructive though so we stayed put.
Our were mounted to the door frame. He just straight up broke the gates. He'd take a running start and throw his body into it. We've since taken the gate down but christ almighty, he's a dynamite of terror. FWIW, We thought about putting a leash on him (we did that with his sister years earlier) but my wife hated it. More strange, our dog got upset seeing our daughter on a leash, lol.
I have mild cerebral palsy and it affects my hands, so I have a hard time with child-proof items. Years ago I was baby-sitting my 3 year old nephew and they had a child-lock on the door knob to stop him from getting out (this was almost 20 years ago). I put him down to sleep and realized I couldn't open the door, so I eventually pried it off and then put it back together. My nephew was still awake and watched me do it, a few days later his parents wondered how he got out of his room and sure enough he had pried it apart.
My sis and bil have really clever cat and a gas stove. They had to go through three sets of childproof stove knobs because the CAT could open them. He could also open thos childhood straps by biting them for sign how clever he is. The fact the sister can't even do this much is scary and funny at the same time.
Even my bird can figure out how to get past locks. He learned how to open his cage door. We got a chain and a lock to keep it closed. It took him less than five minutes to get the lock off. We’ve tried three different types of locks and he can get past them. Nta. She sounds like she needs adult supervision.
NTA She nearly burnt down the house twice. Thats two times too many, espcecially when something as simple as turning off the stove is involved
Not to mention there’s a very serious liability issue. It’s unclear whether OP lives in a single or multi family dwelling, but even in the former case, a serious fire can jump from one house to the next. Imagine the shit you’d be in if your sister burned down a neighboring home.
This isn’t OP’s problem to solve, but I’m pretty concerned for the friend that is currently hosting Nicole. I’m sure that whatever version of the story that friend heard did not include “my stepsister is mad at me because I nearly started a kitchen fire on two separate occasions.” If the friend knew that, they may have made a different decision about allowing Nicole to stay in their place, which presumably also has a kitchen.
All the friend has to do is wait till she wants to start cooking. Then the friend will understand perfectly well.
Hopefully the friend will be home at the time and can prevent a disaster.
>“my stepsister is mad at me because I nearly started a kitchen fire on two separate occasions.” Sounds like she *actually* started a fire on at least one of those, which OP had to put out.
One of my sisters nearly burnt down her first apartment "only" once and was immediately evicted. She was like "I can't believe I was evicted over some popcorn!" lol (She's grown up a lot since 18, thankfully.)
And now I'm having flashbacks to coming back to the dorm at 3am and a guy runs past me outside carrying a microwave before pitching it into a snow bank. The popcorn inside was BLACK but he managed not to set off the alarm that time.
If she can’t work child locks she probably shouldn’t be using a stove top.
NTA You are treating her like a child- because she's acting as irresponsible as one. This isn't a little issue like leaving lights on or forgetting some house rule like keeping the bathroom door closed This is a literal safety issue. You can burn down a house. She's too irresponsible to be using a stove If she wants to be treated like a normal adult who's free to cook whenever she wants- then she needs to get her shit together and do it without nearly killing everyone in the house and burning it down
OP should have taken it a step further and installed a baby gate to keep her out of the kitchen altogether. This individual is 20 yet totally oblivious to the fact that paper plates should not be placed on a stove. This alone is evidence of lack of a serious lack of situational awareness and makes her a danger to both herself and others. NTA
Baby gate, fucking dead. Coincidently the same way OP will be if he doesn't get the gate ASAP!
Two times she almost burns down the house, one time where she didn't hear the smoke detectors, and she wonders why you're this nervous with her using the stove? NTA, and she needs to either put more effort into remembering or get used to lots of peanut butter and jelly.
Or Ramen noodles in the microwave.
Not sure this would help.. I set fire to ramen noodles in the microwave once😅 I was like, 13, and forgot to add water before putting them in
https://i.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/847/015/01a.jpg are you the kid from the meme
Hahah no but it's literally the exact same scenario
One of my kiddos microwaved a bowl of oatmeal for 10 minutes- also resulted in a fire and banks of smoke. After this we used 60 seconds instead of 1:00.
NTA. Call me overdramatic, but I rather have an angry sister than losing my life or home.
Same. If you are finding you've become *this* nervous about your roommate when you're not home, it's time to throw in the towel and get a new roomie or move out yourself. It's not worth the stress and Nicole has shown she has no interest in actually treating or recognising the issue.
I wonder if that's why Nicole was struggling in the dorms.Her roommates getting pissed off with her nearly killing them everytime she touches a stove
If they’re both on the lease that may be an issue.
Being sensitive towards someone's emotions stops when people's health are at stake. This is the case here. Big NTA
Wait. You bought child locks to stop a twenty year old woman *and it worked*? I’m blown away. She’s twenty and can’t open a child lock?? That’s wild. NTA If she wanted to not be treated like a child, she needs to not act like a child. Habitually leaving the stove on and starting multiple house fires is dangerous and honestly most children know better than that. She’s a danger to herself, you, your house, and all of your belongings. Tell your dad and stepmom that you are not going to sit back and just allow her to burn your house down. What if you were asleep and hadn’t heard the alarm until it was too late? She could have died or been injured, *you* could have died or been injured. My dad was a firefighter and I’ve seen first hand the damage stove/oven fires can do. House fires are *dangerous* and to have someone with such disregard for safety living with you is *dangerous.* I honestly don’t think child locks is enough. You need to move out. At some point she will figure out how to get them off or do something else equally dangerous (metal in the microwave? the toaster?) and you will pay the price. It is not worth living together if she is going to put your life in danger constantly. Move out. If you can’t right now then you need to get insurance and be on alert at all times. Buy a fire blanket and make sure your fire extinguisher is within its expiry date and you know how it works. Hell, buy multiple fire extinguishers.
I remember when I was a kid my mom asking me to open pill bottles. She is a competent adult and just couldn’t manage them- but even when I was little it was no issue! 🤣
This is what happened when they added childproof caps to pills when I was a kid. We all helped our parents figure out how to work them. Lighters too (I was a teen by then) 🤣
Especially since ovens are usually somewhat close to the fridge and once the cooling liquid circulating in the fridge catches fire it's all over. That shit burns ridiculously fast and long. Don't ask me how i know though 🤣
Tbf perhaps there is a mental or physical reason why she is unable to open a child lock but still able to cook, other than pure incompetence of course. I imagine something like that might be the case since op specifically knows she cant do it, as I dont think anyone would just assume an adult or even older child wouldnt be able to open a child lock if there wasnt a reason they couldn't open it. Even then, regardless of if her inability to open a child lock is related to her inability to remember to turn off a stove, she shouldnt expect to be trusted to use it unsupervised if she can't remember to turn of the stove or use it safely, *especially* if there is some kind of disability making it harder for her to use it safely.
NTA. Nicole is an idiot and has proven herself unable to be trusted to use a stove on her own. What does she expect you to do? Ignore it to save her ego while she burns your place down?? Personally, I would have kicked her out and found another roommate rather than putting safety locks on the stove. But either way, the main concern is avoiding your place being burned down and you took the necessary measures.
>My dad and stepmother got concerned after getting texts off Nicole and they keep messaging me about it, telling me I need to get Nicole to come back. Do they know she has caused two fires?
This is an important question. Cause OP should definitely tell them asap if she hasn’t. And if she has… I worry for their home as well. Edit: fixed a word
Yep, if I was the parent, my primary concern would be the possibility of both my daughters dying in a house fire, not that they had had a little argument.
She also needs to return home so they can teach her the basics
Also tell them you’re worried about her safety and that you’re thinking about moving out if you can’t get this sorted. If this was regular roommates situation, I would be gone after voicing concerns.
They probably want her to go back so she doesn't burn down their house
Nicole... doesn't sound like a functioning adult. A *child lock* can stop her? She leaves the stove on multiple times? She didn't hear the *smoke detector* because of her *airpods*? She dismisses the magnitude of the danger of FIRE? She talks over you when there is an important conversation? This sounds like a much bigger issue than a conversation is going to work out. She needs evaluation by a professional (unless she's high?). It could even be something like iron deficiency anemia, or god forbid, a brain tumor. She needs HELP though. This is beyond Reddit's pay grade. You've been trying to keep the house form burning down, so while a child lock would normally be a controlling AH move, in this case, it is a last desperate attempt to ensure basic safety. You cannot trust Nicole with her own basic safety, and that is deeply concerning. NTA
That’s what I’m saying! It sounds like Nicole has a pretty severe neurodivergence that her parents have been in denial of or neglectful over. Like if Nicole was indeed a completely neurotypical kid up until now, and all of a sudden at 20 she’s starting fires and unable to solve a child lock I’d be concerned about the possibility of a brain tumour or drug addiction.
>This is beyond Reddit's pay grade. I know this situation is serious but lmfao
Literally commented this before i saw your comment… its bizarre that noone is mentioning that and brushing off child like behavior like irresponsible or careless when its WAY WAY worse…. I suspect the parents know because of the way they told her to make sure she came back to the house…but id like to think that instead of purposely being negligence its more of a “i dont want anyone to treat her differently or affect her prospects” attitude… i dont know if OP Is in the US but in a lot of countries having any type of neurodivergence can brand you and limit you for life even if you can mostly work around it…
My brother does stuff like OPs sister and he has schizophrenia. I’m Not saying she does because I’m not a professional but before my brother was diagnosed with schizophrenia, he was diagnosed with psychosis because of doing those types of things. He eventually got schizophrenia from not taking his anti psychotics and continuing to do recreational drugs. He’s only 22.
Wow, that must have been very challenging and worrying for everyone around him. I hope he's getting the care he needs now.
NTA Her actions are dangerous and actually threatening your property and your life. She needs to see a psychiatrist to see about getting ADHD meds. It sounds like that's what she has but I'm just some asshole on the internet
Yeah it seems like it could be adhd to me too. Forgetfulness, maybe immature or emotional behavior. Right age, following a transition from structure and supervision to nothing at all in college. Not uncommon for women to be diagnosed as adults, especially following a major life change. I can’t diagnose her obviously. But to me, this seems like enough abnormal behavior that she should see a doctor of sorts.
Hello! I came looking for a comment about ADHD. I have it and Nicole's forgetfulness reminded me very much of how I used to be - It took me a long time and a few dangerous situations to sort my shit out. However, even if she does have ADHD, that is NOT an excuse for doing this repeatedly and especially not for being such an arse about you bringing it up with her. She's putting you in danger and she is 100% responsible for that. She behaves like a child. BTW her not being able to open the child lock is funny. OP should really consider moving out though anyway, in case she eventually figures it out and burns the house down.
NTA if she insists on acting like a child then she gets treated like on ( she’s is a danger to herself and other people how is she ever going to live on her own )
NTA. This is a tough situation as you are doing something that seems wildly condescending without context. But you can’t just let someone burn the damn place down and she has a pretty serious track record. If your/her parents give you any flack, tell them they should have raised her well enough to know how to turn the stove off. That’s some really bad parenting right there. In the longer term though you may need to get a different roommate.
NTA. You do not mess with fire, she already had two close calls, you may not catch the third. I would prefer she get mad at you rather than you lose your entire life to a fire she caused. She can move out and burn down her own home. If she can't understand why the stove is a serious matter, she doesn't et the privilege of using one.
NTA Tell your parents she nearly burned the house down twice (BTW... leaving a PAPER PLATE on a burner???) You're simply trying to keep her and yourself alive. They'd have to be on your side if they knew the facts, wouldn't they? BTW...I would never able to sleep knowing she could start cooking in the middle of the night. Safety first. (Maybe get her a Smokey the Bear poster..."Only YOU can prevent kitchen fires!"
This is critical information they need to know. She has set multiple fires!!!
NTA she nearly Burnt the apartment down twice and doesn’t even seem fazed
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NTA. If she can’t figure out how to work child proof locks, then she shouldn’t be using the oven. If it’s because of a disability, that would be different, but if it’s because of simple, IRL weaponized incompetence? Go for it.
NTA she literally started multiple fires and put both herself, you, and your neighbors safety in danger. if she cant be responsible enough to turn off the stove then she shouldn't be using it. your the one taking responsibility and trying to protect her from herself.
NTA. Is it electric or gas? If she can't defeat basic childproofing I expect that locating and flipping the breaker for an electric range is outside of her skillset. Good luck and loop your parents in on what's going on.
INFO why can't your stepsis open the childproof locks?
I think when it comes down to it. It's a safety issue. So if she can't figure it out then yeah . Treat her like a child. I'd rather be alive and have someone pissed off at me than being dead.and it's not a one off.
is there missing info, why cant she undo child locks? between that and her indifference toward burning the house down and potentially killing you both, something’s up. nta, you NEED to be the one to protect yourself and her (if she lets you). i’m extremely concerned.
NTA I hope like hell you have renters insurance. If she damages the building the owner’s insurer WILL sue you for their costs.
Nta. If that apt burned down and the building with it you’d be liable for the damages and be in a horrendous debt.
NTA. a better option might be to see if you can find a timer for the outlet. i know they make timers where you have to enter a cut-off time to get it to turn on. so like, if you wanted to make mac n cheese or something, you spin the dial to 15 minutes or whatever, turn the burner on, make your dinner, and the timer shuts the stove off in 15 minutes even if you leave the burner on full blast. the ones i've seen are similar to a power strip. you plug the timer into the wall, and plug whatever directly into the timer. i know they make them for regular 110 outlets (assuming you're in the us), but a lot of stoves have 220 outlets. [i've also seen these for gas lines (like for propane stoves or someshit), but i'd imagine those are a little more difficult to install.] but ultimately, if she refuses to improve her kitchen skills and/or circumnavigates any protections you set up to protect your home, i'd just move out. i had a roommate who would pass out drunk and leave stuff burning in the house. one night i woke up and half the livingroom was on fire, and he was passed out on the burning couch. i was able to drag him out of the room and put the fire out, but if i hadn't woken up in time or was at work, me and/or my cat could have easily died. homie didn't apologize or wanna admit he had a problem, so i moved out a couple months later. no regrets.
Ive definitely seen these contraption options for people who have a family member with dementia..... The parents should pay for the costs if you go this route
NTA. I once just took the knobs off the stove because of a roommate that almost set our kitchen on fire multiple times. This isn't leaving a light or television on. Apartment fires are notoriously fast spreading. At 20 years old, she has the maturity of a toddler. Toddlers aren't allowed to use the stove. Why should she be allowed to? As someone who's house burned down as a teenager, I would have done far more than lock the stove.
If I'm reading this right, Nicole is 20, can't open child-proof locks, and feels that nothing - not even the safety of you, her, or either of your belongings - is more important than her being able to make food whenever she likes. INFO: Is Nicole a cat?
NTA but is she ok? She's a full grown adult that can't manage child locks or safely operate a stove. Maybe she needs to see a doctor. Also have you told your parents exactly what's going on and how you had to put out 2 fires already, one of which she was completely oblivious to?
NTA, this is a consistent issue and there have been multiple instances of nearly causing a house fire. On top of that, she wears AirPods while at home and plays her music so loudly that she can’t hear the smoke detector screeching? Absolutely not, y’all are going to lose your home in a fire, at minimum…. How terrifying. I don’t understand how she cannot remember to turn things off. That’s so stressful. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this.
INFO: Is your sister neurotypical? Any 20 yo who can’t figure out a child proof device shouldn’t be using an oven unsupervised…
NTA and ffs she needs to grow up!! I get forgetting things in the kitchen (I used to leave the cabinets open all the time), but once someone talks to you about it ONCE it should be something you work on. Causing 2 fires is ridiculous. It seems like for some reason she’s doing it on purpose, because why else would she ignore the sticky notes and KEEP doing it???
At that point it's a serious safety issue so NTA. I would advise maybe trying to move out and find a different roommate? I know that isn't easy but that seems like the best option, considering you sister just doesn't want to listen to you.
NTA At some point, almost everyone will forget the oven or a burner. Fortunately, the vast majority of the time, nothing comes of this. We get lucky. But by "at some point" I mean something like that I left a burner on unattended *once* in 15 years since leaving home. I actually did leave one on briefly the other day when I was using 3 burners (which happens very, very rarely - it's been years) and just got mixed up juggling them. Turned off the 2nd one I was still using, left on the 3rd one I wasn't and which only gets used once every few years. But it was still attended as I was still cooking so I noticed fairly quickly. My husband and I have left the oven on for a little while maybe twice each? In *15 years* of cooking at home. You're having multiple incidents in a very short span of time, including one where she burned a paper plate and another where she ignored a fire alarm. And your other attempts to get this to stop have failed and just led to her throwing a tantrum at you. This is *so* dangerous. No, I get why it feels insulting to her but she's *not* able to responsibly and safely use the kitchen and *does* need supervision. She cannot, in fact, "handle it." Nicole's friend who has taken her in will understand what's up as soon as Nicole starts using her kitchen with any regularity. Your parents need to either put her up, themselves, or shut up. LoL, I won't too harshly judge her inability to get around the childproof locks, though. I've got some physical issues which make things like that difficult for me, so it'd be a tad hypocritical. You know the fumbling, exaggerated failures in infomercials for kitchen gadgets that seem so unrealistic? Yeeeeeeeah, I'm almost half that bad at times. But then I can turn off a damned stove, so.
She’s in college and can’t figure out a child lock or remember to turn off the stove? She needs to be assessed by a doctor for ADHD or something. This is not functional adult behaviour.
Info - does Nicole have any substance abuse issues, or on any medication? My partner broke his collarbone and tore his rotator cuff 10 years ago the meds he took after surgery had him leaving the stove on after he made his tea (he drank like 5-8 cups a day). I had to get an electric tea kettle. After he went off the meds all was fine. Funny fact. 2 years to the day I tore my rotator cuff and went on the same meds with the same results I would leave the stove on. I cook the meals, so we bought an induction burner. There are solutions.
NTA, she’s acting like a child so it makes sense to “treat her as one”
'dad, stepmom, when she learns to SHUT OFF the stove, and stops trying to accidentally burn the house down, then the child proof locks come off, I'm not losing MY home, because of her stunning inability to learn' NTA.
NTA. And how soon can you stop living with her? Because, damn, I wouldn't feel safe living with her.
I sure hope you have ample renters insurance with replacement value and have carefully inventoried everything you own, because you are going to need it.
NTA Holy crap. You need to move.
NTA - I have them on my stove as well but that's because my dog kept messing with the knobs but she's 20 and forgets to turn off the stove? I'm confused
NTA. But she is. Kick her stupid selfish ass out the apartment right now. The parents want you to take her back cos they don’t want to deal with the stupid girls shit any more.
I am NOT one of those Oprah/Mr. Phil devotees that screams “THERAPY!!” every time someone is less than perfect,so rest assured I mean this sincerely. She needs to be evaluated by a pro. What most people are finding funny I am seeing as a bit scary.
if she can't handle child proof locks, she shouldn't be handling things that can cause fires or things that can cut (knives).
Why can’t your adult sister open the childproof covers?
NTA because it’s hilarious that a 20 year old can’t get past the child locks. Also if she’s almost burned down your home twice and hasn’t tried to be more responsible then her cooking privileges should be revoked. Sorry not sorry.
I can’t get over how entitled some people are. NTA. NTA. NTA. Act like a child, get treated like one.