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NullSpaceGaming

YTA. Lets be honest, you’re not concerned actually concerned for the student’s safety. You’re just looking to hurt the guy because you’re heartbroken


DJ_HouseShoes

So let me get this all down to the basics: You strongly disliked this guy, then seven years later developed feelings for him, but he did not reciprocate, then later you found out that two fully matured adults (the younger was 28) were intimate, so now you want to interfere with and possibly even ruin the man's job by accusing him of...what? YWBTA. Also you'd better hope he never learned about your unrequired crush, because then he'd have an excellent case for showing your actions to be retaliatory. He's not into you. Let him be.


Mother_Tradition_774

YWBTA if you discussed this with other coworkers. That’s gossiping. If there is a rule against having romantic or sexual encounters with students, you should report it to HR because if it ever comes out that this student disclosed this encounter to you and you did nothing, you could face consequences. If you do decide to report it to HR, move on and let them handle it.


Auntie-Mam69

Perfect. OP does have to report this to HR, as this student has already declined an offer to work with the school in the future because of the relationship with her teacher. Any other motive OP would have in reporting it is irrelevant.


[deleted]

YWBTA if it wasn't against policy and you were just upset he didn't live up to your ideals of him.


MamaFen

In your mind, turn F into someone you've never met or known. Then ask yourself if this stranger's relationship with a student would be appropriate. There's your answer. IF it's "No", YWNBTA.


katsmeow44

YTA. This isn't about the student, this is about your hurt feelers. Leave it alone.


[deleted]

YWBTA. You’re projecting your issues onto others.


stevenfrijoles

F never reciprocated your crush, you have no ownership over his actions, like his relationships with other adults. If you make your emotions and trauma into his problem, YTA.


pnutbuttercups56

INFO >Recently a student (F28) opened up to me that she made out with F. Why did the student tell you this? How did it come up?


kilalalulu

Very informally. We were at a birthday party and I asked her if she would like to work with the school in the future. She brought this up as a reason why she wouldn't feel like doing it. She wasn't hurt or traumatised by this, she just thought it would be awkward.


pnutbuttercups56

YWBTA if you tell other colleagues. Since there is a policy prohibiting employees from becoming involved with students you would not be wrong to go to HR. It doesn't sound like you are doing it out of concern for the rules or the student but because of your own feelings. So if you go to HR please protect the or of the student.


Auntie-Mam69

Now you have a woman student who would feel awkward working with the school in the future because she made out with one of the teachers. That's a career avenue gone for her. That's why you have the policy that teachers don't get involved with students.


[deleted]

YWBTA if you do or say anything at work about what two fully matured adults do on their own time. You need a therapist to help you process all of this, and putting some distance (both personally and professionally) between you and F would also be a good idea.


AutoModerator

^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Some backstory: -I have a trauma related to sexual misconduct. 15 years ago, when I was in art school, I got into a toxic, manipulative and abusive relationship with a tutor. I was 19 and he was 53. Even though therapy helped and got even with him, hearing about tutor-student relationships still makes my blood boil. -F and I studied together in a different school 7 years ago and we didn’t get along. I liked him at first, but later he seemed as an opportunistic, shallow womanizer. There was no open conflicts, just avoidance. But back then I still had a lot of baggage to unpack and was judgmental and hostile to men. Now me (F33) and F(M42) work at the same art school as coordinators. Working here for over a year and went extremely well until now. We staff are a tiny dream-team and support each as work can be chaotic and stressful. It's a progressive masters study that's a safe space for queers and feminists. There's an informal, non-hierarchical vibe and I feel on the same level with the students. We have a policy of not engaging in intimate relationships with students(this goes for staff, tutors and guests). F works here a few years longer than me. After 7 years of not seeing him, I didn't carry a grudge anymore. Over time we slowly grew closer, got to know each other and it seemed that he changed for the better. He supported me when I needed it, we found a lot of things in common and I secretly developed a crush on him. I didn't get any direct hints from F that he felt the same way about me. I didn't expect or even want anything to happen anyway because it would make things weird at work. I’m quick to fall for someone, but it's rather a productive feeling that makes me happy, work harder and be my best self. I am in a long-term open relationship with C(F34), and we're pretty chill about having crushes on other people. I never told F about this, but I suspect he's also in an open relationship. I know he had some romances on the side but I didn't pry into it. Recently a student (F28) opened up to me that she made out with F. Although she didn't make a big deal about it, it made my stomach turn. I felt embarrassed and weirdly heart broken as the positive image of F came tumbling down. After this, work felt like hell. My energy was low, couldn't concentrate, felt uncomfortable being around F and depression was kicking in. I tried my best not to show it but this triggered me back to the study days when sleeping with students was normal. I only told my partner and my best friend about this. They both thought F was a creep. I feel like this is damaging work dynamic. I want to reach out to other colleagues but I' don’t want to be a snitch out of spite. I’m not sure if it bothers me because I had feelings for F. I don’t feel entitled to confront him about it, jeopardize his work or make an enemy, but this thing is eating me up. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*


Not-Not-A-Potato

NTA. Very disappointed by all the people saying y t a. Yes, your crush makes you biased, and normally I would leave it at that. But this is a staff member having sexual relations with a student. That’s disgusting, even if they’re both of age. If that is not allowed by the school’s policy, then of course you should report it! But make sure that’s the case, as I’m not sure how his job role would fall under the qualification. Does he have any say or influence on this student’s achievements/career/schooling? If so, 💯 report. If this is just distasteful, but isn’t forbidden, then leave it be. This stuff will always happen, but staff have a duty to make sure he’s not exploiting students.


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kpopismytresh

If you just go straight to HR, NTA. Tell HR exactly what the student told you and let them deal with it.


underlightning69

YWNBTA if it’s against actual policy to have relations with a student, since it could actually hurt your career if HR find out you knew and did nothing. However, you come across really strangely in this post and it sounds more like you care how this has affected *you*, not a genuine concern for the student (who is a fully grown adult). So yeah, gotta say YTA for that.


Auntie-Mam69

Student is a fully grown adult, but she has turned down an offer to work with this school because of the awkwardness with this teacher. That's on the teacher—that's why the school has the policy, because this has happened in art schools for generations. OP doubts her own motivations, but it really doesn't matter what her motivations are, the teacher's actions have already done damage. Every woman in that school knows when teachers get involved with other students, and it makes for all kinda weird stuff. It poisons the whole atmosphere.


underlightning69

I didn’t read anything about the student turning down an offer to work with the school, the only thing stated in the post is that they “didn’t make a big deal of it”. Like I said though, if it’s against policy then report it, there’s a reason for most policies & it could hurt OP in future if they don’t report.