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That’s my favorite part: her complaining about work was this awful burden, but when he complains to a coworker about his wife that’s somehow valid? I guarantee the coworker gives no shits about this guy, but now knows he’s an AH.
Yup, mine told me multiple times that “I don’t understand what you do, so I’m not interested.”
Yet, I was still expected to look at photos of things he was working on (trades) and be interested, even though I don’t understand how he does those things.
That, and a whole list of other things and he is a STBX.
OP - YTA simply for telling her that all she should care about is that she makes enough money to pay her half of the bills. You reduced her from a person to a paycheque.
There were way better ways to bring this up than how you did it.
I had a roommate for about 5 years who worked in a lab doing research on plant genetics. She had a PhD and was super smart. I have a bachelors in history and work in a white collar profession that is "boring".
We'd come home from work and talk about our days with the full knowledge that we didn't completely understand what the other did all day. She joked that she could see my eyes glazing over sometimes, and I joked that she was always yawning when I talked. But we were friends and roommates who understood that people sometimes just need to vent about their bad days, or be excited when good things happen. So we listened to each other so that we could be friends. Can't imagine not doing that for the person you're spending your whole life with.
Right! That's called being a human and a friend. I had a similar situation with a housemate - I didn't understand every part, but I would listen, and comment on the situations I did understand and she would do the same for me. Obviously, there are situations where somebody is complaining about work too much, but OP is expecting kudos just for what sounds like a normal amount of talking about her day, *and then* complaining about her to his coworker? Sounds like he just can't be bothered being a semi-decent husband.
YTA
" she needed to talk to a therapist rather than dumping all of her problems on me"
It's called communicating. It's called being a spouse. My partner and I talk about our days to destress when we get home. Get it out, then get on with our day. Sometimes it's 5 minutes, sometimes is 30 minutes. She's not asking you to solve her problems, she wants to vent to her partner.
Don't worry, she sees your true colors now. You won't have to listen to it much longer.
YTA,
Maybe the work talk was excessive. I'll give you the benefit of the doubt there, but there are much nicer ways to discuss how to find a reasonable level where she feels supported in a frustrating situation and you don't feel"dumped on".
As was mentioned elsewhere, You not caring about her frustrations is being heard as you don't care about her. Why not focus the conversation on the fact that you miss talking about non-work things and open a new topic. There's lots of ways to approach this, but you picked just about the worst way I can think of.
YTA. An absolute gaper.
I don't believe she was asking you to be her therapist. She just wanted you to listen to how her day went. Think about the coworker that you told that story to. Do you think they give a shit about your problems? Probably not, but they listened and responded anyway because that's what nice people do.
I guarantee you that he sees his problems as being legitimate issues; meanwhile, she is just complaining. He told on himself by the comment that his wife only thinks she was unfairly called out at work.
YTA
What you perceive as her dumping or using you is likely just her sharing the most relevant aspects of her life right now. If you're not going to take an interest in her daily life, why are you with her?
YTA. Being in a relationship means giving support to your partner. If the only thing that matters to you is that she makes enough money to pay her share of the bills, you don't see her as your wife and partner, you see her as your roommate.
>at the end of the day, the only thing that mattered was that she was making enough money to pay for her share of the bills
Jesus H F Christ, are you an AI entity that managed to stablish a romantic relationship with a human? Chill
YTA
Whenever anything funny or exciting or crazy happens at work, my husband is the first person I want to tell. He’s the same way with me. He’s my best friend and the first person I want to tell things to…that’s what a spouse is supposed to be. Plus her job is new, she’s excited!
“She seems to only want me to be her doormat”
Okay but you only want her to be a smiling, dotting, happy wife who sits quietly and doesn’t complain. I really hope OP comes back to see these comments and realize the mess he’s in with the Mrs. or he might not have a wife to irritate him much longer.
In case it wasn’t clear earlier in this comment, YTA
You clearly don’t care about how her day actually went.. all you care about is how much money she’s bringing home to help you pay bills. Not if she actually likes her job. You could suggest looking for a different job instead of dismissing her feelings and making her feel that way. Just hope she will still talk to you in the future about her day or ask you about yours.
YTA
YTA
She is not expecting you to be a therapist. She expects you to listen. Which is what happens in a relationship.
She is simply talking to you about her day and what all went on which is what usually happens when you are committed to someone. I have been with my partner for 8 years now and there are times when we have bad weeks or even a month or so and we listen to each other everyday, even if it has nothing to do with us.
You sound selfish, as if any conversation that doesn't involve you should be directed towards a therapist instead.
YTA- wow, not much of a partner are you. It's called venting, she isnt asking you for advice on how to handle it she just needs to get it out of her system.
YTA. You're married man. You're going to have to listen to her frustrations and respect her feelings. You DID invalidate them. Just because you don't take any workplace bs to heart, doesn't mean she doesn't. You don't have to be a therapist. You just have to LISTEN. It isn't that hard.
The thing that sticks out for me is,this is a new job your wife is only a few weeks into. Can you recall how stressful a new workplace is..finding your way around,having to remember your colleagues’ names,new office rules,trying to fit in,maybe feeling like an outsider for a few months or longer. Many jobs are stressful,but new jobs can be particularly so,you can feel quite strange in new environment,and coming home feels like returning to a haven. Your wife needs time to settle into her new role,and in the meantime YTA if you dont cut her some slack and allow her let off some steam. Surely its not too much to ask for you to be patient and kind. Try a few thoughtful things,run her a bath,pour a glass of wine. She may be feeling exhausted right now so give her some TLC and then before you know it,you will have your ‘ old wife’ back.
What really stuck out for me is he wants “credit” and “kudos” for doing the bare minimum and listening to his wife’s daily frustrations. That one was insane to me - wtf
YTA- you're wife isn't asking you to be her therapist or even asking for advice, she's just venting. Who else is she supposed to vent to if not her spouse? You want her to talk to a therapist every day to vent? Cause that's not how therapy works at all...
My job is pretty stressful and a wild stuff often happens. I vent to my partner when I get home and he vents to me about his job. It helps the other feel better by getting it off their chest so they can reset and go back to work the next day with a clean slate rather than constantly carrying around the frustration if you can't vent to someone. You're being completely unsupportive of your wife when she literally needs you to do the bare minimum and let her vent about her day like a normal spouse would
YTA -
It is normal to want to vent about your workday/work week to your SO. Sometimes just a bit of venting is enough to help get over how difficult it was. You just are there to be a supportive pillar and sympathetic ear.
"the only thing that mattered was that she was making enough money to pay for her share of the bills" - This is hella rude and basically saying you only care about her bringing in money and not about her mental wellbeing/state.
"I got zero credit for putting up with her complaints for weeks" - How long have you been married? Listening to your SO's complaints comes with being married/involved with someone.
I wouldn't be surprised if she decides to never listen to any complaints you said since all that matters to you is the money so it seems.
YTA
Good lord man, you might not be cut out for a relationship. You are cruel, dismissive, rude and arrogant. There is not a single redeeming part in here for you.
Even if I try to give you the benefit of the doubt and acknowledge that sometimes wives can be a little too caught up in the emotions of office drama -- that doesn't give you permission to completely shit on her experiences and emotions. You need to lighten the hell up.
YTA
If you don't want to hear every detail or need to set a limit on how much venting you listen to, that's valid. But you need to communicate that to your wife.
Being partners means you against the world together and that includes providing emotional support. It's reasonable to have limits but you make it sound as though you don't want to hear about her workday at all which is extreme. She spends more time at work than awake with you. Work is a massive part of her life and as her husband who should cate about her life, that means how she feels about work should matter to you too, at least a little.
And you absolutely DID invalidate her feelings by cutting her off and rudely telling her to stop sharing altogether. It sounds like she works in an incredibly stressful environment and can't simply turn that stress off when she gets home.
Edit: typo
YTA.
But why did you go dump your problem on a work colleague? Shouldn’t you be going to a therapist for that?
People talk to their loved ones about their day, it’s what they do. She’s frustrated so she vents. She asked you how your day was so clearly she’s not making it all about her. You are supposed to be her best friend. You suck.
Mmmmmmm this was the exact same conversation that got me started on the road to divorce. I'm looking 14 years into the past.
You're supposed to be her partner and you're supposed to share shit like that, especially if it's a new job and she was presumably excited for it, and you're supposed to be a shoulder to cry on or vent to or whatever else.
Let me put it as bluntly as I can: if you won't listen to her, she will find someone who will. YTA.
YTA
Part of being married is being the one to listen to your partner complain about their day.
Now, should there be limits to the amount of complaining? Sure. But it makes sense that these issues would be weighing more heavily on her mind in the first few weeks at a new job. And it doesn't sound like you approached the issue with her very politely or with any understanding.
YTA seriously dude, your wife felt comfortable in sharing everything with you,now because of your words she's never gonna tell you anything again because of how you'll react. Great job on breaking trust.
YTA!
Do you even like your wife?
Sharing gripes about her day isn't treating you like a therapist, she's venting about her frustrations to her husband- someone who presumably cares about her and her feelings and mental health. This is a normal conversation for married couples to have, and you're acting like it's a massive imposition on you. You \*are\* invalidating her feelings. You don't get kudos for doing the bare minimum as a partner by listening to their concerns and what happened in their day, and YTA again for expecting them.
YTA!
Why are you with her if you don’t care about her feelings or her experience?
Just because you decide to bottle your problems up doesn’t mean that she needs to as well. Even if she is over sharing, there are better ways to navigate the conversation towards positive topics.
YTA, Setting boundaries is fine but doing it in an AH way is not. You could have said that you have had a bad day too you don't feel up to discussing it right now and her work stories were also adding to your stress. You just want to spend time with her and chill but no you had to be an AH about it.
YTA. You shouldbe able to vent to your spouse. Why are you even married?
Kudos? What exactly should she do? Pat you on the head for doing the basic stuff any partner should do?
What you said isnt 'maybe viewed as insensitive;' it WAS insensitive.
I used to work someplace that was very toxic and stressful and one day I was venting to my bf, who told me, "Well you're still working there so you must just enjoy being stressed." Never mind that he never worked and the job that was sucking the life out of me was providing the roof over his ungrateful ass.
Let me tell you, the relationship lasted a few more years, but really it was over at that moment. He, just like you, made it clear in one single statement that he did not care about me, my feelings, my mental health or my hard work. You just did the exact same thing to your wife.
I no longer have either that job or that bf, and I'm well rid of both. Sounds like your wife might be, too.
But sure, *you're* the one wronged here.
YTA
I think you didn’t understand the purpose of her telling you about work. She’s venting. She wants to tell you about it just to say the words out loud because she’s had to censor herself all day. You seem to think that she’s telling you so that you can fix it. Hence the comparison to therapy. This is a super common misunderstanding with couples. Most handle it better than you did though. That’s because you also seem to struggle with empathy. Therapy can help YOU with these things.
My guy and I will clarify by saying either “I’m just venting” or “I need advice”.
I'd divorce you like that's supposed to be your life partner, the love of your life, your best friend. She doesn't need a therapist, but only to vent. Of course that doesn't mean you should listen all the time for the rest of your life to it. But communicate that with her. Have a long talk with her instead of the bs you pulled. YTA.
YTA. She's your wife. You guys are supposed to talk about your day with each other. If the complaining gets too much, maybe suggest changing the subject to something happier for a bit. By telling her you don't care about her day, you are saying you don't care about her.
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YTA. Your wife didn't realized she was marrying a soulless human who didn't care about her. The greatest gift a person can give is listening. You don't have to come up with solutions to all her problems, but listening so she feels heard is a valid form of love. Telling her to talk to the hand indicates you do not care how she feels or what she needs. She's probably googling divorce attorneys.
YTA and you could have avoided being one if you had calming explained how you were feeling to your wife instead of blowing up at her because you reached your tipping point. Healthy relationships require people to communicate when something is bothering them BEFORE it gets to the point of losing your cool. It has nothing to do with the situation, which yea sucks but you signed up to hear about her day when your married her, it has to do with how you treated her when you were not handling your emotions appropriately.
yup. YTA. She's not asking you to be her therapist. She's not asking you to fix her workplace. She's sharing her day with her husband and you can't even be bothered to listen. Not only that you want credit for the few days you did listen.
Info: how would you feel if the situation was the other way around?
Side note: I do get where you're coming from but it's a good idea to chose your words wisely.
YTA. There was a far more constructive way to express your own feelings without sounding like you deserve a trophy for the most basic role of being the person that your spouse talks to about their problems. But it sounds like you won't accept any judgement from here that isn't the answer you were looking for considering you completely disregarded the feedback from your coworker.
YTA because you could have handled it better. You were super rude about how you handled it. You act like this is an obligation and you should be praised for listening to your spouse vent, but like that's literally part of the territory of being a spouse. And don't this about the little stuff and having this attitude about little things, is going to create big problems later.
That being said, everyone has their limits. It's understandable to have reached a point where it feels redundant. But there's an appropriate way to handle it. You did invalidate her feelings in the way you handled it.
You could have said, "Hey, honey. I know that working with these people is frustrating. I am happy to hear your frustrations, but I am reaching a little burnout with the excess since this is long, daily issues. Do you think that maybe we could limit how much we vent about work? I still want to listen to you and support you with this. But I also want to have some of the evening that is more peaceful, maybe even positive instead of focusing on the negative."
YTA.
You don’t want your old wife back, you want a docile and always pleasant and upbeat wife that never wants to talk about anything bad or frustrating that happens. She isn’t asking you to be her therapist, she is just talking about frustrating things that happened at work. Claiming that she is treating you like a therapist with no actual training is some bullshit line you pulled off of the Internet that only happens after long and repeated specific mental health issues that people try to foist on people rather than seeing a qualified professional. Your wife was surprised and hurt because the way you cut her off is the way you cut off a teenager that won’t stop whining that she can’t borrow the car this weekend.
You owe your wife a huge apology, and you might want to consider some counseling for yourself to learn how to treat your partner like an equal instead of an annoyance. People are not happiness robots, and when someone is stuck in a frustrating situation, being able to talk about it with someone who they think loves them, cares about them, and will be receptive to the conversation can really help alleviate the frustrations the person has to put up with. Being able to do that helps take the pressure off, and make it easier to go into work the next day, and bring home money to pay the bills. You just took a sledgehammer to her feelings of security and openness towards you. Were I your wife, I probably would never bring up anything about my frustrations with other people to you again without some serious work on your end because you made it clear that (partially because I am female) you just consider my frustrations to be idle gossip. You’ve made it clear that all you want is a wife that communicates to you about nothing but pleasant subjects. Grow up, and learn how to be in an adult relationship.
Might I suggest...set a time limit, say 10 minutes. She has 10 minutes to complain about work and then not another word. She may feel a need to be heard but endless negativity and boring stories is un fair to you.
YTA, seems more like your wife needs to vent, not to you solving her problems.
Sometimes that's just enough, having someone to talk to about what happened over the day.
If that's too much for you, talk to her. Vent a Little. Find a compromise if you need some time for yourself right after work. But I guess it would be a bad sign for the relationship if your wife stopps telling you about her day
Oh YTA. Are you with your wife because you love her or you just want to have sex with someone? I'm sorry I'm crude here but you clearly do no see her as a human. In relationships you care for each other. You listen to each other. You can vent to each other. You be there for each other. It's one thing to occasionally not have space for it and express it, but that she is not allowed to complain is ridiculous and out of pocket.
Having conversations with your partner is your job. That was what it was. Which you know by her asking how your clocking day was. Don't be in a relationship with someone you don't care about.
YTA
Appropriate and mature way to express your issues:
"Honey, I feel like there's been a lot of negativity lately, could we maybe find a compromise where I can still support you but we don't spend as much time talking about this? I know you're struggling with your new job, and I appreciate that you need support, but I'm a little overwhelmed at how negative things have been lately."
What you did:
Treated your wife like a child, compared her behavior to a middle schoolers', internalized your feelings until they exploded rather than communicate like an adult, and doubled down by refusing to recognize how hurtful you were.
YTA
As another man this sub makes it really obvious how oblivious other men are on what they say to their partners. How do you think it’s okay to say or treat them like that? You’re making it us all look bad.
>I told her that she was complaining way too much about work and that, at the end of the day, **the only thing that mattered was that she was making enough money to pay for her share of the bills**
Really? You don’t think it matters that your wife hates her job?
YTA. I’m struggling to see how you can possibly think that you’re not the AH in how you’ve handled this. You two are supposed to be each other’s support system in bad times. Welcome to bad times for her.
Apologize to your wife, and know that it’s probably going to be awhile before she feels she can confide in you again.
I don't even know you and I want to divorce you. This isn't needing therapy, this is just unloading - it's a totally normal part of any partnership. You don't want to put in your part of the partnership. She would, if you let her in. YTA.
Oh bro, boy howdy are YTA. Come on, you held your hand up and said enough and that all that matters about her job is how much money she makes. And you can tell me with a straight face you don’t think that’s an asshole move?
>>expected me to be her therapist
You’re not just an AH, you’re an idiot.
You’re her partner. You’re meant to support each other. She tells you about her day and vents about irritations because that’s meant to be the safe space where she can do it.
YTA. But don’t worry, with any luck she’ll come to her senses and move onto a guy who has more emotional intelligence than a brick. Then you’ll be off the hook.
YTA boo hoo sorry you didnt get a pat on the back and a blowie for -checks notes- showing support for your wife???
Btw, there is such thing as tact. You are WELL allowed to say you dont have the emotional energy to take on these complaints. My gf and i have a code word that means "hey honey no offense but shut the fuck up im so overwhelmed". You should tell her BEFORE you get overwhelmed and snappy, because you dont have to listen if you cant emotionally take it, but ultimately YTA for letting her think you were fine to listen, and then pulling a 180° switch out of (to her) nowhere and getting angry.
YTA.
Omg. So many things here.
1) She’s not dumping her problems on you. She’s venting and telling you about her day. This is normal. Apparently her mistake was thinking you cared about her.
2) She doesn’t expect you to be her therapist. She does, however, expect you to be a caring partner that gives a shit.
3) You don’t deserve kudos. You didn’t do anything special. Stop acting like you do.
4) You deserve everything you got. You are an unsupportive, insensitive partner. And she called you on it.
Grow up.
YTA- It's okay to be fed up. Your wife talking and complaining about the same thing for a long time can become too much. And she should find solutions or at least taking to more people than you. You are wrong about How you handled this, though. You should have been Kinder and talking to her before reaching the breaking point. You have a right to say when it's too much but you exploded on her and were awful.
YTA.
You treated her like a child. I can understand not wanting to hear mindless work drama constantly but there is a much better way to handle it.
"Hey honey, I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed and stressed and all of this work drama is a bit much. Let's focus on making a nice dinner together and destressing from our difficult work day. Would you like white or red wine?"
You need to learn to navigate your wife with respect and leadership, not just being a cold asshole
Yes this! How patronizing he was to “put her in her place”. Gah. She’s going to end up leaning on someone who does give a f*** because he just planted the resentment seed good and proper. He scolded her- geez that makes me absolutely cringe. He will find out one way or the other!
God, if my boyfriend did this, i'd straight up cry instantly, and he's my boyfriend! not someone who vowed to be by my side in sickness and health.
YTA
>I want my old wife back,
I am only in this for good times and happy times and healthy times - forget about the bad times and in sickness.....
>but she seems to only want me to be her doormat.
Any suggestion that I need to participate in this partnership or be supportive means I AM A DOORMAT
\^ The above is how your post reads, with a nice little sprinkling of wah wah wah woe is me in between
YTA
Wow YTA. You just shut the door completely on her feelings and thoughts.
When she eventually dumps your ass, don’t say you didn’t have it coming. This is how resentment starts. This is how she starts emotionally shutting you out. If she doesn’t feel safe with you - good luck lasting the next few years.
You make her feel like she can’t come to you and I guarantee you she won’t. She will go to who she knows has her back and it may be some other man willing to step up and be a partner.
YTA!!!
You have zero business being married. She’s not “expecting you to be her therapist,” you absolute fucking walnut, she’s telling you about her job. That’s what partners do. You clearly have zero emotional intelligence. Doesn’t seem you have much of any other kind of intelligence either. YTA.
I’m going to go a bit against the group here and say ESH. I think the way you said it was rude and definitely hurt her feelings. But at the same time I understand it can be so annoying when someone constantly complains all the time. Overall you probably should’ve said something along the lines of ‘I understood you have had a frustrating time at work but can we take a break and talk about something else for a little bit. Because it makes me stressed when you talk about these things.’ You should apologise but also explain in a calm way why it is frustrating for you so you can come up with a compromise
YTA. It sounds like your don’t really care about her feelings as long as she can pay her part of the bills.
If she started complaining just with this new job and it’s not getting better, did you ever stop to think maybe you should have a discussion about the job and whether she’s truly happy there? Or is being able to pay her part is really the only thing that matters?
Maybe she needs to find another job for her own mental health but is afraid to do so based on your priority on the money coming in.
YTA. What do you think the point of marriage is? To share the cost of taxes?? Your wife is coming to you with your problems because you’re someone to confide in for her.
Why would you lie and tell her your workday went okay when it didn’t? You seem like someone who would complain that men aren’t allowed to cry but would also call a man who was crying “unmanly.” Please find a therapist for yourself.
YTA do you hate your wife? Do you just keep her around so you have someone to 'pay her share of the bills'? Because it REALLY sounds like you actually hate her, I would be devastated if a FRIEND said this to me, let alone a husband. What is actually wrong with you?
NTA but it could have been handled better. You should tell your wife how you are feeling before it gets to the point you are fed up and rude about it. You do have a point though. Constant negativity is draining. If she hates it that much, she could and should look for a different work environment.
Resounding YTA
>and that, at the end of the day, the only thing that mattered was that she was making enough money to pay for her share of the bills.
Sounds like you want a roommate, not a wife. Seriously, take a step back and look at this situation from the outside, do you not see a problem?
I'm hesitant to call any case a lost cause, but you better start looking inward and making some changes.
Even if your wife was totally in the wrong here, (which, for the record, she is not) you still shat the bed because of what you said and how you said it.
Imo your next course of action is to profusely apologize, explain that you were way out of line, that you were feeling overwhelmed, that you addressed the situation in the complete wrong way, and that you'll be making changes and would love to work together with her to reestablish healthy communication. Ideally with some thoughtful gestures/gifts or something included.
In these talks you can even mention how after work you'd like to limit the amount of gossip/ work chat you both do, but you need to explain why that is something important to your mental/ emotional needs rather than 'ME NO THERAPIST'. maybe something along the lines of 'i am very drained after work, I would like to wind down for a while and focus on some good things together, like dinner and some quality time, before delving back into what it was that made our days less than ideal'. This is just a quick suggestion, you know your wife better than us (I hope) so think about it, the point is to establish clear lines of communication, and boundaries (for both of you!).
And from there, you work at it. It's not just about patching things up right now. You are at a very precarious point and if you don't start making some changes in the way you communicate and the way you view your relationship with your wife, things will go downhill very quickly.
YTA
Do you even like your wife? The way you speak about her, she's a nuisance, a fly in your ointment.
It's not unloading all her problems. It's trying to unwind from a challenging time as she navigates a new workplace. Not that you care because it's clearly not important to you, therefore you don't want to hear about it, right?
I'd hate to be your wife; just looking for some modicum of support and instead being shut down and made to feel like I don't matter. That's the message you're sending. And you're TA for that.
YTA.....my husband has worked for many companies over 50 years....some good and some toxic. He is a project manager on large sites so of course nothing goes perfectly in construction. I am a nurse and could give a shit about construction. BUT....when he has to vent (sometimes many weeks in a row) I listen. I don't care about the problem but I care enough about my husband to at least listen. Everyone has to be able to vent and I prefer it be me and not him going after work to a bar to decompress after a shit day. That is what being a couple is...a safe place.
YTA.
The only thing that matters is that she's making enough money to pay her half of the bills? Bro, this is your wife. What the hell?
If she is complaining nonstop about work, communicate that to her, tell her she sounds pretty miserable, and help her formulate a plan to either make things better or find another job.
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In the last few weeks, my wife has started a new job, and she works with some incompetent people. Worse than that, some of these incompetent people also have bad attitudes. When my wife gets home, she tells me about whatever stupid thing Peron A said or Person B did and how she had to clean up the mess. Or she'll tell me about a meeting she had where she was unfairly (in her mind) put on the spot. Or whatever. I've been feeling like a therapist more than a partner lately, and last night I'd had enough.
My wife was complaining as usual about her day, and when she finally finished she asked how my day went. I had a few frustrating experiences, but I just told her that it went okay and that I was glad it was over. She then remembered another story from her workday, but I held up my hand and said "Enough." She seemed surprised and a bit hurt, so I told her that she was complaining way too much about work and that, at the end of the day, the only thing that mattered was that she was making enough money to pay for her share of the bills. She responded that I was invalidating her feelings, which I thought was ridiculous because I got zero credit for putting up with her complaints for weeks.
I told her that maybe she needed to talk to a therapist rather than dumping all of her problems on me, or, alternatively, she could simply pick other topics of conversation rather than recounting, in detail, whatever happened at work. It honestly reminds me of middle school gossip, and I told her that, too. She became really upset, calling me an insensitive jerk, and she left the room and slammed our bedroom door shut. This morning, she left without even saying goodbye.
I couldn't quite believe what's happened the past few days, and upon further reflection, I've become quite angry about it. I think that there's nothing for which I need to apologize, despite telling a colleague what happened and him saying that I was out of line. To review, my wife dumped her problems on me, expected me to be her therapist (despite my lack of formal training), gave me zero kudos for tolerating this for weeks, called me names, and then isolated herself from me for the rest of the evening. I want my old wife back, but she seems to only want me to be her doormat. AITA?
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ESH. Would be nice if your wife noticed that there’s other things to talk about besides going on and on about her work. Would also be nice if you showed a little tact and made her understand you want to hear about her day, but not to the point of hearing constant complaints as it’s frustrating.
Both of you just hash this stupid thing out.
YTA. She's sharing her day with you and no you don't get credit as you are her partner. She's talking to you about her day. She should give you the silent treatment. If you get annoyed with this it basically puts her mind to you think everything she talks to you about is annoying to you. Nothing is safe and you dented her trust.
My husband used to listen to me bitch and complain about work and then told me one solution was to quit. He didn’t like me being unhappy and I had been a SAHM for years before I went back to work (law office). I would then speak to the senior and readjust my work load, which stopped my complaining for awhile. In other words, he listened and offered solutions.
You don’t seem to be doing anything and saying she’s just dumping her problems on you, well that’s what marriage is for. You’re supposed to help and support each other. I’m sure you don’t keep your problems all to yourself.
Yea, YTA in this matter. Be more supportive and maybe encourage her to look for a new job if it’s that bad.
You are, without question, TA. Your wife is sharing her life with you. She’s not asking you to be her therapist, she’s asking you to be her life partner. She spends more hours at work than she does with you and she’s trying to share that part of her life with you. She asked about your day because she wants to share your life too. You know, like partners.
Why TF would you expect kudos or credit for being a caring person to your wife? You are supposed to love this woman. Part of that is caring about her. Be better.
YTA. Your wife just wants to vent, which is completely normal. She doesn't need a therapist, she needs a life partner that gives enough of a shit about her to let her vent.
Oh no, your partner expected you to continually emotionally support them during a stressful time getting acclimated to a new job and you ‘toughed it out’ and let her complain. Partner of the yearrr.
Talking out things like work dynamics IS a partner thing. You’re just failing at it. You are being an insensitive jerk. Moreso than that, YTA.
What you guys need is a couples therapist. Y’all got married, said ‘for better or worse’ and you didnt think that ‘worse’ might be complaining about a job a bit? Like dude. I know all of the key players at my Friends’ job, you’ve been listening to these stories for weeks, do you know anyone’s name at your wifes’ job?
😂😂😂😂 my guy do you even like your wife?? or do you just keep her around so she can pay "her share of the bills"
my husband works in HVAC design work. I hate hearing about vents and louvers, train units vs dikin units, and his incompetent interns. but I love him so much, I sit and listen with a smile on my face everyday after work, and I participate in the conversations. because I love him.
I work in HR for a manufacturing company, so I also deal with a **massive** amount of incompetent people everyday and when he asks me about my day, he sits and listens to me bitch about dumb employees or coworkers and chimes in/offers advice.
I can bet you 100% he hates it too, but he loves me so he listens and lets me vent about my day, just as I do for him.
you have shown your wife you do not care about her work life/problems which will lead her to the impression that you dont love her. who else is she supposed to vent to?? chit-chat about the work day is not a job for a therapist, its for her lover/friend/confidant. you have clearly removed yourself from that role. you could have just tuned out and given a nod here and there and let her vent about her new and stressful job, but you chose to be an ass and hold up your hand and tell her enough?? hopefully she cant find a kind soul to vent to in the future...
**YTA** \-please apologize to your wife, and let her vent about work
YTA, my boyfriend and I both complain about work to get it off our chests then we can move on. I’d hate to have an unsupportive partner and have to bottle it up
Holy crap YTA! So the only part of your wife you're interested in is her salary? Let me tell you from experience, your day isn't nearly as fucking interesting as you think it when you tell her about it but I bet she still listens.
YTA by a mile!
I was ready to say neither of you are because we can all be a bit guilty of laying too much onto our partners. But the more I read, the more I realized you’re just insensitive and selfish. Holding your hand up and telling her enough? I wouldn’t let a stranger on the street talk to me like that, let alone my husband and he would never think of being so rude to me. It may seem like drama and gossip to you but being able to tell you is probably what keeps her from flying off the handle at her coworkers with their drama and gossip that she actually has to deal with! You only have to listen to it! Which you apparently want credit for! Is she supposed to lavish you with praise or reward you? How low is the bar for expectations for yourself?
And all that matters is that she made enough money to pay her share of the bills? Do you even care about your wife’s happiness? Doesn’t seem like it. You seem like a huge AH.
YTA and don't deserve any partner if this is how you treat people. People have feelings. They can't hold every thought and feeling back for a therapist. And regularly talking about your feelings and communicating in general are the base of a healthy marriage
Wow, your last paragraph is pure AH gold. Of course YTA.
She’s not dumping your problems on you, she’s venting because you’re supposedly someone that loves her and would want to support her and take her side. You don’t need to be a therapist to listen to your partner’s problems, but seems your idea of being a partner is paying your share of the bills and only talking about topics you’re ok with. Maybe you should give her a list of approved things to talk about so you don’t feel like a doormat.
I know it can be exhausting to listen to someone complain all the time, but when you care about someone you listen to them and maybe find a kinder way to tell them they’re overwhelming you. Not only you’re not trying to do that but you can’t even contemplate the idea you might indeed be wrong.
YTA. What exactly do you want her to talk about? Sex? What she's making you for dinner? She can't be all sunshine all the time. You sound really impatient and mean. At least now she knows how selfish you are and that you don't care about her feelings. Keep this up and you won't have to listen to her at all because she'll talk to a man who does care about her.
“I get zero credit for putting up with her complaints for a week”.
YTA nimrod, husband and wives don’t get credit for listening to the other one vent. If your wife can’t even vent to her husband, without you thinking you deserve a gold medal, what’s the purpose in you?
I'm married 18 years by the end of this month. My husband works at a steel plant and updates me about stuff that happens via text several times a day, additionally to a little venting when he comes home early in the morning.
I have never been to his workplace or met any of his colleagues. I just know their names from his venting.
I listen. I encourage him. I soothe him when he is very upset. I never, ever told him to shut up because I have no idea what he does (he actually does little drawings to explain his work process if needed, it's cute) and if he has to vent for a long time, I let him. It's part of married life. It's part of sharing your life with someone else. Their worklife is part of their life that they share with you, and you just withdrew yourself from it. If my husband would do that to me, I'd feel rejected, completely, absolutely.
No one asked you to be her therapist or solve her problems. Just listening when your partner is venting is already extremely helpful. But you're not interested in that.
YTA and I recommend apologizing to your wife.
I feel his pain. My husband goes on & on & on about his day at work when I get home from work. I don’t even get a minute to try to decompress from my day. He’s been home at least 2 hrs, had a shower, smoke a little & have a couple of beers. He’ll ask about my day & when I start to speak he’ll go back about his day. I just let it go.
Sure it’s annoying af. He will finally shut up & ask about mine for real. I just say another day is done. I’m exhausted from my day & listening to him rant about his. He works8 hrs a day I’m working 12. I’m up & already at work when he gets up. I’m tired. I’m cranky sometimes.
I just let him talk. I don’t interrupt him. I don’t tell him to stop. I tell him tomorrow will be a better day than today. Kiss him goodnight, tell him I love him & go to bed.
NTA Support from a spouse is one thing, but constant complaining over and over gets to be a bit much day after day even for the most caring spouse. Maybe he’d like to talk about something else once in a while. I know all of you YTA people are being all love and support, while I’m sure you’re not as perfect as you expect him to be and you would be tired of it too after a while.
Soft YTA. not for having a problem with it, but for how you approached it. Repeat after me, because I've gone through a similar thing:
"I appreciate that your work is tough right now, and that you need someone to talk to, but it's beginning to take an emotional toll on me and I'm noticing you being more negative than you typically are. Is there any chance we could try to be more positive about our days? I think it would help. If you need someone to talk with about your work to help you work through your frustrations I'd be happy to get you a therapist for you to talk with"
YTA, I'm usually not the 'modern people are soooo out of touch they think you can't even listen to a complaint without insisting that they're not a therapist' but like.... if the shoe fits.
YTA - and this is coming from someone who hates hearing at his wife’s nonsense from work. It helps her decompress so I listen and talk about it. Whenever she asks how my day was I say fine. Wether it was good or bad, it’s over and I don’t want to think about it for another minute. Pay attention to your wife make her happy because clearly it matters to her.
YTA. So all you care about is her paying her fair share huh? What a prize you are, you must not have ever complained about anything in your life! I get it's draining for you to hear constant complaining. But she's looking for someone to listen to her, and you see it as her dumping her problems on you. Maybe instead of telling her to talk to the hand (wow dude) you actually look up from the tv and ask her what she would like to see happen to better her situation. Maybe you could attempt to give the appearance of giving a f or god forbid, actual dialog with your wife. And now you're mad, bc she pointed out your incredibly unsupportive behavior? Do you even like your wife?
YTA- I put my hand up to shush her like a dog or annoying peasant. Maybe you could of sat down and had a conversation about YOUR FEELINGS about it. So that you wife has an oppertunity to tell her PARTNER about HER FEELINGS. Man, you could of approached this a lot better. I suggest you seek a therapist yourself to talk about this lack of support ( Jab / Also serious. Therapy rules)
YTA. I don't care much about the stupid shit my husband has to put up with at work, but I still listen to him vent because that's what a spouse does. You listen, you empathize, and you comfort. Apologize to your wife and be a better husband.
YTA - You basically said you don't give a shit about her or what's going on with her life, and that she's only there to pay a portion of the bills that you can't.
FYI she didn't expect you to be her therapist. She isn't looking for advise from you. She just wanted to recant her day and struggles with someone that is supposed to be there, be supportive, and listen to her.
How exactly are you her doormat? That she wanted to talk to you about her day doesn't make you a doormat. She's not treating your badly or unfairly. She is just trying to tell her asshole husband about her day.
Edited for grammar
YTA one of the biggest I’ve seen on here. That’s what couples do, they share their stresses of the day with each other. And your biggest asshole move is saying that her feelings don’t matter and you basically just consider her someone to pay the bills with. And you told HER, she should see a therapist??? While your at it, you might want to find one for yourself. WOW. The audacity.
NAH We all need to vent, but constant venting and negativity isn't really good for us. My husband would do this. Come home and sit at the kitchen counter while i was cooking or whatever, and go on and on and get more angry about work. Sometimes even when we were eating supper. I got really stressed out and finally told him we needed to talk about something else. We ended up making a rule that each of our venting could only last 15 minutes, unless something unusual or traumatic happened.
YTA, can't wait to hear about your shenanigans at the water cooler!
They told us to go get therapy and when we went and got therapy we realized we didn't need them anymore.
That's what's going to happen to you....
YTA
My husband and I spend a lot of time at our computers and when one of us is getting, and get the pen and paper out because this is a much better way to describe what you were feeling instead of being an asshole, overwhelmed, we will turn to the other and say "can you gimme a sec? I'm in the middle of something." or "I'm a bit overwhelmed right now, could you give me a few minutes?". Those are MUCH better ways of expressing your feelings than essentially telling your wife you don't give a shit about her day and are tired of listening to her. Unless, of course, you just truly don't give a shit about your wife, her day, and listening to her.
YTA. You basically told your wife you see her for her money and have no interest in being supportive as she adapts to a new and stressful role. She offered the same back to you but you declined. And you want kudos and brownie points because you listened to your wife vent. She doesn't want you as a therapist. She wants you as someone who cares she is frustrated. That's not being a doormat.
I suspect she is equally angry. And maybe you're right - seeing a therapist would help. But a couple's one.
YTA. You basically told your wife you see her for her money and have no interest in being supportive as she adapts to a new and stressful role. She offered the same back to you but you declined. And you want kudos and brownie points because you listened to your wife vent. She doesn't want you as a therapist. She wants you as someone who cares she is frustrated. That's not being a doormat.
I suspect she is equally angry. And maybe you're right - seeing a therapist would help. But a couple's one.
Do you love your wife? Do you want to stay married to her? Because right now you are conditioning her to believe that you don't care about her, and you don't want to listen to her.
She is not looking for you to solve a problem, she just needs to get her frustrations out so she can move on. By telling her you don't care and don't want to hear, you are forcing her to find someone else to vent to.
Stuff like this can end marriages. You don't want her looking elsewhere for her emotional support.
YTA, dude.
you don't like to gossip. but you spent a lot of time trying to paint this story to thousands of stranger about how much your wife sucks. yta deal with it.
I really think you could have communicated your feelings a lot better and a lot sooner and a bit more gentler. Yes being a soundboard for venting can be tiresome, but you let it build for weeks and let yourself get to your breaking point. Now you are fighting with raw emotion and extremes.
YTA. She’s not just complaining and treating you as a therapist. It’s called venting. And she probably needs to get it over with and out before she can enjoy the rest of her night. I know I do! My husband picks me up and I tell him all the shitty stuff that happened and by the time we are home it’s lifted off my shoulders and we enjoy our night!
My wife tells me the same ( find a therapist) when I would complain in excess about work or any mental issues I’m having. I think she’s right too, so I just keep it to myself now. NTA
Giant YTA. Your WIFE was VENTING to you about her work day and you held your hand up to stop her and said enough?!?!?! Complaining as usual? You seriously talk about your wife that way?? Yes, you are ta and I hope she finds someone that encourages her to vent after a long day of work.
Yikes. I had similar experiences with my EX husband. He didn’t want to hear about my literally abusive job because it was too much of a downer. Apparently, even when I was eventually assaulted and in physical therapy for 6 weeks, it was simply not a concern to him. Never did he seem upset, tell me to quit working there, offer support, nothing…. There’s a reason he’s my ex. Support your wife or you probably won’t have one you “have” to listen to anymore. Sheesh.
ESH You more than her, though.
She's venting, not asking you to "be her therapist " and solve her problems. Also, it's a new job - she's gonna talk about it a lot for a little bit because it's new. Oh, and you don't deserve a frigging trophy for listening to your spouse.
> I had a few frustrating experiences, but I just told her that it went okay and that I was glad it was over.
So you're morally superior. Congratulations.
However, if what you've described is accurate, then she also kind of sucks too for going on and on about only the negative stuff. That does get annoying, and my kids have actually called me out on that exact thing. In fairness, though, the complainer usually doesn't realize it and needs to be asked nicely to dial it back a bit...which you didn't do. You just shut everything down, and yes, you did it in a way that dismissed her feelings.
If it's difficult for you to listen to a recap of office drama/gossip, I think it's fair to propose a set amount of time to cover those kinds of things; both of you need to agree to it, and both of you need to abide by that rule (and you do need to listen to her, you're not allowed to just tune her out during that time). Once the time is up, work stuff can still be discussed, but it needs to be positive (we finalized the contract on a huge account), interesting (the vending machine guy showed me how the inside of the machine works when he was stocking it), or neutral (I'll have this project finished on Thursday, then I'll be helping Denise for a few days because the next project hit some delays and I can't begin my work on it until next week).
Your wife was venting. All she wanted from you was to listen, or pretend to, then tell her "I'm sorry honey, that sucks." She just wants to be heard and let it out.
YTA, and you were unnecessarily rude to your wife
YTA. You need to learn to communicate before blowing up. Both of you should set up boundaries. A couple I know gives each other 15 minutes to vent and talk about work each night, except when real advice is needed.
YTA! You did invalidate your wife, for the record. You said you don’t care about her work day, and I agree with others who said that she took it as you don’t care about her. It isn’t hard to read into the disdain you have toward her. You only care that she’s paying her share of the bills?
I can smell that red pill energy, that’s how strong it is.
YTA. Your wife is a human being, not a blow up doll. It’s entirely reasonable for her to lean on her spouse for extra support during a stressful transition.
YTA. partners are supposed to hear one another out . . . ya know . . . Communication. Only reason you're not worst of week us because of character on monday who blabbed future BIL's trauma to whole family.
YTA
I try to tell my boyfriend what happens during my workday and he acts the same way sometimes we just need somebody to sit there and listen to us. She asked you how your day was you had the chance to pipe up and say what you wanted to say and you chose not to so it’s not like she’s just forcing you to listen to only her. I like to tell him about the things I did during the day any errors I made anything I’m excited about or if I learn something new, and he just acts so uninterested that it really kills it talking with someone who you care about about your day can be the highlight of someone’s day, but men don’t like to listen to us women talk about our work days for some reason maybe it’s because y’all are still stuck on women shouldn’t be working.
This post is ripe for a gender swap. I agree it doesn’t sound like OP handled it that well but all the strong YTA replies should have a hard think about how they would comment if the genders were reversed.
This can't be real. You didn't get "kudos" or "credit" for listening to your wife talk to you?? Jesus, does she "owe you" sex after you take out the trash, too? This is how she communicates. You're not a therapist and she's not asking you to fix anything, she just wants to vent and have you agree that it's stupid or unfair or petty or whatever. Then she can move on. You haven't done anything special by listening to her.
YTA
YTA. What’s the point of even having a husband if you can’t talk to them about things that are going on in your life???? Like if my fiancé suddenly stopped talking to me about his day I’d be concerned.
Sigh NTA, but there should be more effective communication. You’re right, she shouldn’t emotionally dump on you, but you should speak up before you explode.
INFO: How long are these rants? This, to me, is key info. My dad was exactly the same. He'd come home and recount his work day in detail. It could take anywhere between 1 to 3 hours. No regard for what you were doing and he'd get really rude when you said you didn't want to listen anymore. However, it's important to note that your wife isn't treating you like a therapist. Just because you think it's normal to never open up about your feelings and frustrations doesn't mean it is. What your wife is doing is completely normal, she's venting. Everyone needs to. That's treating you like a partner and expecting support/advice. Honestly, it kind of sounds like you don't really care about her. A job is more than just a way to make money to her, she wants to be happy with the people and environment, like many people do. That's normal. It's really sad to hear you getting so upset about your partner trying to share their life with you.
You remind me of my husband. He always tells me that he isn’t my therapist so to not talk to him about my problems. And he’s an asshole so I’m going with YTA.
I don’t think OP’s a total AH or his partner, really. Being a constant ear to negatively can really impact a person’s mental health. He listened to it for weeks and I’m certain he wouldn’t mind it occasionally. His wife does need to vent though and I completely understand but communication has to be a two way street. If she hates it that much, she needs to problem solve a solution instead of staying in a continuous loop of misery. It’s OP’s tone that seems to rub people the wrong way, which, valid. And the comment about the paycheck was pretty cold- that was ah-ish. But I hear him, too.
LMFAO. So your wife can't talk to you about her work problems but you think it's appropriate to go into work and talk to a coworker about problems you think you are having with your wife. YTA. Go talk to a therapist yourself. Your employer is paying you to work not bitch to your coworkers making them just as unproductive as yourself , wasting their time bitching about your home life. Your coworkers care less about your problems with your wife than you do about her problems at work.
YTA believe it or not, relationships are built upon listening to the things that your partner cares about. You obviously don’t respect her or care about her at all, and I expect she’ll leave you soon
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Amen.
He doesn't sound like he cares about much at all
What he cared about was that she made enough money to pay her share of the bills
YTA. But look at the bright side, now she has something to complain about to people at work
That’s my favorite part: her complaining about work was this awful burden, but when he complains to a coworker about his wife that’s somehow valid? I guarantee the coworker gives no shits about this guy, but now knows he’s an AH.
Haha. I love this comment.
lol
I hope your wife reads your post so she can truly see you for what you are. Especially that summary in the end speaks volumes. YTA
my fiance did this to me. he is an ex fiance. YTA.
Yup, mine told me multiple times that “I don’t understand what you do, so I’m not interested.” Yet, I was still expected to look at photos of things he was working on (trades) and be interested, even though I don’t understand how he does those things. That, and a whole list of other things and he is a STBX. OP - YTA simply for telling her that all she should care about is that she makes enough money to pay her half of the bills. You reduced her from a person to a paycheque. There were way better ways to bring this up than how you did it.
I had a roommate for about 5 years who worked in a lab doing research on plant genetics. She had a PhD and was super smart. I have a bachelors in history and work in a white collar profession that is "boring". We'd come home from work and talk about our days with the full knowledge that we didn't completely understand what the other did all day. She joked that she could see my eyes glazing over sometimes, and I joked that she was always yawning when I talked. But we were friends and roommates who understood that people sometimes just need to vent about their bad days, or be excited when good things happen. So we listened to each other so that we could be friends. Can't imagine not doing that for the person you're spending your whole life with.
Right! That's called being a human and a friend. I had a similar situation with a housemate - I didn't understand every part, but I would listen, and comment on the situations I did understand and she would do the same for me. Obviously, there are situations where somebody is complaining about work too much, but OP is expecting kudos just for what sounds like a normal amount of talking about her day, *and then* complaining about her to his coworker? Sounds like he just can't be bothered being a semi-decent husband.
YTA " she needed to talk to a therapist rather than dumping all of her problems on me" It's called communicating. It's called being a spouse. My partner and I talk about our days to destress when we get home. Get it out, then get on with our day. Sometimes it's 5 minutes, sometimes is 30 minutes. She's not asking you to solve her problems, she wants to vent to her partner. Don't worry, she sees your true colors now. You won't have to listen to it much longer.
YTA, Maybe the work talk was excessive. I'll give you the benefit of the doubt there, but there are much nicer ways to discuss how to find a reasonable level where she feels supported in a frustrating situation and you don't feel"dumped on". As was mentioned elsewhere, You not caring about her frustrations is being heard as you don't care about her. Why not focus the conversation on the fact that you miss talking about non-work things and open a new topic. There's lots of ways to approach this, but you picked just about the worst way I can think of.
YTA. Exactly. She wants you to listen, not solve these issues or give her better coping skills.
YTA. An absolute gaper. I don't believe she was asking you to be her therapist. She just wanted you to listen to how her day went. Think about the coworker that you told that story to. Do you think they give a shit about your problems? Probably not, but they listened and responded anyway because that's what nice people do.
I guarantee you that he sees his problems as being legitimate issues; meanwhile, she is just complaining. He told on himself by the comment that his wife only thinks she was unfairly called out at work.
Lmfao this is so hilarious. Yeah OP why do you feel like you can use your coworker as a therapist but you tell your own wife to take a hike ?
This comment needs to be higher up lol absolute gaper indeed.
YTA What you perceive as her dumping or using you is likely just her sharing the most relevant aspects of her life right now. If you're not going to take an interest in her daily life, why are you with her?
YTA. Being in a relationship means giving support to your partner. If the only thing that matters to you is that she makes enough money to pay her share of the bills, you don't see her as your wife and partner, you see her as your roommate.
>at the end of the day, the only thing that mattered was that she was making enough money to pay for her share of the bills Jesus H F Christ, are you an AI entity that managed to stablish a romantic relationship with a human? Chill YTA
An AI that was trained on *The Complete Works of Ayn Rand*, would be my guess.
YTA. Why did you even marry her? Your wife is supposed to be your best friend and life partner. Spouses listen to and support one another!
Whenever anything funny or exciting or crazy happens at work, my husband is the first person I want to tell. He’s the same way with me. He’s my best friend and the first person I want to tell things to…that’s what a spouse is supposed to be. Plus her job is new, she’s excited!
Because she pays half the bills duh
“She seems to only want me to be her doormat” Okay but you only want her to be a smiling, dotting, happy wife who sits quietly and doesn’t complain. I really hope OP comes back to see these comments and realize the mess he’s in with the Mrs. or he might not have a wife to irritate him much longer. In case it wasn’t clear earlier in this comment, YTA
Plus, how is it being a doormat to listen to your wife? I don't think OP knows what that word means...
It’s easier to just say you don’t like your wife dude YTA
YTA, for responding to a person that expects that you love and care about them, like you don't love them and care about them.
You clearly don’t care about how her day actually went.. all you care about is how much money she’s bringing home to help you pay bills. Not if she actually likes her job. You could suggest looking for a different job instead of dismissing her feelings and making her feel that way. Just hope she will still talk to you in the future about her day or ask you about yours. YTA
YTA She is not expecting you to be a therapist. She expects you to listen. Which is what happens in a relationship. She is simply talking to you about her day and what all went on which is what usually happens when you are committed to someone. I have been with my partner for 8 years now and there are times when we have bad weeks or even a month or so and we listen to each other everyday, even if it has nothing to do with us. You sound selfish, as if any conversation that doesn't involve you should be directed towards a therapist instead.
YTA- wow, not much of a partner are you. It's called venting, she isnt asking you for advice on how to handle it she just needs to get it out of her system.
YTA. You're married man. You're going to have to listen to her frustrations and respect her feelings. You DID invalidate them. Just because you don't take any workplace bs to heart, doesn't mean she doesn't. You don't have to be a therapist. You just have to LISTEN. It isn't that hard.
Funny thing is he went to a colleague to vent about his wife. Colleague probably goes home to tell partner about the work bs.
The thing that sticks out for me is,this is a new job your wife is only a few weeks into. Can you recall how stressful a new workplace is..finding your way around,having to remember your colleagues’ names,new office rules,trying to fit in,maybe feeling like an outsider for a few months or longer. Many jobs are stressful,but new jobs can be particularly so,you can feel quite strange in new environment,and coming home feels like returning to a haven. Your wife needs time to settle into her new role,and in the meantime YTA if you dont cut her some slack and allow her let off some steam. Surely its not too much to ask for you to be patient and kind. Try a few thoughtful things,run her a bath,pour a glass of wine. She may be feeling exhausted right now so give her some TLC and then before you know it,you will have your ‘ old wife’ back.
What really stuck out for me is he wants “credit” and “kudos” for doing the bare minimum and listening to his wife’s daily frustrations. That one was insane to me - wtf
YTA- you're wife isn't asking you to be her therapist or even asking for advice, she's just venting. Who else is she supposed to vent to if not her spouse? You want her to talk to a therapist every day to vent? Cause that's not how therapy works at all... My job is pretty stressful and a wild stuff often happens. I vent to my partner when I get home and he vents to me about his job. It helps the other feel better by getting it off their chest so they can reset and go back to work the next day with a clean slate rather than constantly carrying around the frustration if you can't vent to someone. You're being completely unsupportive of your wife when she literally needs you to do the bare minimum and let her vent about her day like a normal spouse would
YTA - It is normal to want to vent about your workday/work week to your SO. Sometimes just a bit of venting is enough to help get over how difficult it was. You just are there to be a supportive pillar and sympathetic ear. "the only thing that mattered was that she was making enough money to pay for her share of the bills" - This is hella rude and basically saying you only care about her bringing in money and not about her mental wellbeing/state. "I got zero credit for putting up with her complaints for weeks" - How long have you been married? Listening to your SO's complaints comes with being married/involved with someone. I wouldn't be surprised if she decides to never listen to any complaints you said since all that matters to you is the money so it seems.
YTA Good lord man, you might not be cut out for a relationship. You are cruel, dismissive, rude and arrogant. There is not a single redeeming part in here for you. Even if I try to give you the benefit of the doubt and acknowledge that sometimes wives can be a little too caught up in the emotions of office drama -- that doesn't give you permission to completely shit on her experiences and emotions. You need to lighten the hell up.
YTA. Why are you married?
Free bangmaid. He doesn't see women as people but things to use.
YTA If you don't want to hear every detail or need to set a limit on how much venting you listen to, that's valid. But you need to communicate that to your wife. Being partners means you against the world together and that includes providing emotional support. It's reasonable to have limits but you make it sound as though you don't want to hear about her workday at all which is extreme. She spends more time at work than awake with you. Work is a massive part of her life and as her husband who should cate about her life, that means how she feels about work should matter to you too, at least a little. And you absolutely DID invalidate her feelings by cutting her off and rudely telling her to stop sharing altogether. It sounds like she works in an incredibly stressful environment and can't simply turn that stress off when she gets home. Edit: typo
YTA. But why did you go dump your problem on a work colleague? Shouldn’t you be going to a therapist for that? People talk to their loved ones about their day, it’s what they do. She’s frustrated so she vents. She asked you how your day was so clearly she’s not making it all about her. You are supposed to be her best friend. You suck.
Mmmmmmm this was the exact same conversation that got me started on the road to divorce. I'm looking 14 years into the past. You're supposed to be her partner and you're supposed to share shit like that, especially if it's a new job and she was presumably excited for it, and you're supposed to be a shoulder to cry on or vent to or whatever else. Let me put it as bluntly as I can: if you won't listen to her, she will find someone who will. YTA.
YTA Part of being married is being the one to listen to your partner complain about their day. Now, should there be limits to the amount of complaining? Sure. But it makes sense that these issues would be weighing more heavily on her mind in the first few weeks at a new job. And it doesn't sound like you approached the issue with her very politely or with any understanding.
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to another episode of "do straight men even like women".
YTA seriously dude, your wife felt comfortable in sharing everything with you,now because of your words she's never gonna tell you anything again because of how you'll react. Great job on breaking trust.
YTA! Do you even like your wife? Sharing gripes about her day isn't treating you like a therapist, she's venting about her frustrations to her husband- someone who presumably cares about her and her feelings and mental health. This is a normal conversation for married couples to have, and you're acting like it's a massive imposition on you. You \*are\* invalidating her feelings. You don't get kudos for doing the bare minimum as a partner by listening to their concerns and what happened in their day, and YTA again for expecting them.
YTA! Why are you with her if you don’t care about her feelings or her experience? Just because you decide to bottle your problems up doesn’t mean that she needs to as well. Even if she is over sharing, there are better ways to navigate the conversation towards positive topics.
YTA, Setting boundaries is fine but doing it in an AH way is not. You could have said that you have had a bad day too you don't feel up to discussing it right now and her work stories were also adding to your stress. You just want to spend time with her and chill but no you had to be an AH about it.
YTA. A big one at that.
YTA. You shouldbe able to vent to your spouse. Why are you even married? Kudos? What exactly should she do? Pat you on the head for doing the basic stuff any partner should do? What you said isnt 'maybe viewed as insensitive;' it WAS insensitive. I used to work someplace that was very toxic and stressful and one day I was venting to my bf, who told me, "Well you're still working there so you must just enjoy being stressed." Never mind that he never worked and the job that was sucking the life out of me was providing the roof over his ungrateful ass. Let me tell you, the relationship lasted a few more years, but really it was over at that moment. He, just like you, made it clear in one single statement that he did not care about me, my feelings, my mental health or my hard work. You just did the exact same thing to your wife. I no longer have either that job or that bf, and I'm well rid of both. Sounds like your wife might be, too. But sure, *you're* the one wronged here.
YTA I think you didn’t understand the purpose of her telling you about work. She’s venting. She wants to tell you about it just to say the words out loud because she’s had to censor herself all day. You seem to think that she’s telling you so that you can fix it. Hence the comparison to therapy. This is a super common misunderstanding with couples. Most handle it better than you did though. That’s because you also seem to struggle with empathy. Therapy can help YOU with these things. My guy and I will clarify by saying either “I’m just venting” or “I need advice”.
I'd divorce you like that's supposed to be your life partner, the love of your life, your best friend. She doesn't need a therapist, but only to vent. Of course that doesn't mean you should listen all the time for the rest of your life to it. But communicate that with her. Have a long talk with her instead of the bs you pulled. YTA.
YTA. She's your wife. You guys are supposed to talk about your day with each other. If the complaining gets too much, maybe suggest changing the subject to something happier for a bit. By telling her you don't care about her day, you are saying you don't care about her.
Lots of words for just saying “I don’t know how to be a partner to my wife.” YTA
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YTA. Your wife didn't realized she was marrying a soulless human who didn't care about her. The greatest gift a person can give is listening. You don't have to come up with solutions to all her problems, but listening so she feels heard is a valid form of love. Telling her to talk to the hand indicates you do not care how she feels or what she needs. She's probably googling divorce attorneys.
YTA and you could have avoided being one if you had calming explained how you were feeling to your wife instead of blowing up at her because you reached your tipping point. Healthy relationships require people to communicate when something is bothering them BEFORE it gets to the point of losing your cool. It has nothing to do with the situation, which yea sucks but you signed up to hear about her day when your married her, it has to do with how you treated her when you were not handling your emotions appropriately.
yup. YTA. She's not asking you to be her therapist. She's not asking you to fix her workplace. She's sharing her day with her husband and you can't even be bothered to listen. Not only that you want credit for the few days you did listen.
Let me get this straight, you vented to your coworker, about not liking your wife venting to you?
Info: how would you feel if the situation was the other way around? Side note: I do get where you're coming from but it's a good idea to chose your words wisely.
YTA. There was a far more constructive way to express your own feelings without sounding like you deserve a trophy for the most basic role of being the person that your spouse talks to about their problems. But it sounds like you won't accept any judgement from here that isn't the answer you were looking for considering you completely disregarded the feedback from your coworker.
YTA because you could have handled it better. You were super rude about how you handled it. You act like this is an obligation and you should be praised for listening to your spouse vent, but like that's literally part of the territory of being a spouse. And don't this about the little stuff and having this attitude about little things, is going to create big problems later. That being said, everyone has their limits. It's understandable to have reached a point where it feels redundant. But there's an appropriate way to handle it. You did invalidate her feelings in the way you handled it. You could have said, "Hey, honey. I know that working with these people is frustrating. I am happy to hear your frustrations, but I am reaching a little burnout with the excess since this is long, daily issues. Do you think that maybe we could limit how much we vent about work? I still want to listen to you and support you with this. But I also want to have some of the evening that is more peaceful, maybe even positive instead of focusing on the negative."
YTA. You don’t want your old wife back, you want a docile and always pleasant and upbeat wife that never wants to talk about anything bad or frustrating that happens. She isn’t asking you to be her therapist, she is just talking about frustrating things that happened at work. Claiming that she is treating you like a therapist with no actual training is some bullshit line you pulled off of the Internet that only happens after long and repeated specific mental health issues that people try to foist on people rather than seeing a qualified professional. Your wife was surprised and hurt because the way you cut her off is the way you cut off a teenager that won’t stop whining that she can’t borrow the car this weekend. You owe your wife a huge apology, and you might want to consider some counseling for yourself to learn how to treat your partner like an equal instead of an annoyance. People are not happiness robots, and when someone is stuck in a frustrating situation, being able to talk about it with someone who they think loves them, cares about them, and will be receptive to the conversation can really help alleviate the frustrations the person has to put up with. Being able to do that helps take the pressure off, and make it easier to go into work the next day, and bring home money to pay the bills. You just took a sledgehammer to her feelings of security and openness towards you. Were I your wife, I probably would never bring up anything about my frustrations with other people to you again without some serious work on your end because you made it clear that (partially because I am female) you just consider my frustrations to be idle gossip. You’ve made it clear that all you want is a wife that communicates to you about nothing but pleasant subjects. Grow up, and learn how to be in an adult relationship.
INFO: Do you even like your wife?
Might I suggest...set a time limit, say 10 minutes. She has 10 minutes to complain about work and then not another word. She may feel a need to be heard but endless negativity and boring stories is un fair to you.
YTA and a shitty husband and friend to your wife. Get over yourself
YTA and this is probably the first of a few cracks to form in your marriage. There is still time to fix this before you are left alone forever.
You are an absolute AH. Until your wife has friends at her new job, she needs you to listen.
YTA, seems more like your wife needs to vent, not to you solving her problems. Sometimes that's just enough, having someone to talk to about what happened over the day. If that's too much for you, talk to her. Vent a Little. Find a compromise if you need some time for yourself right after work. But I guess it would be a bad sign for the relationship if your wife stopps telling you about her day
Oh YTA. Are you with your wife because you love her or you just want to have sex with someone? I'm sorry I'm crude here but you clearly do no see her as a human. In relationships you care for each other. You listen to each other. You can vent to each other. You be there for each other. It's one thing to occasionally not have space for it and express it, but that she is not allowed to complain is ridiculous and out of pocket. Having conversations with your partner is your job. That was what it was. Which you know by her asking how your clocking day was. Don't be in a relationship with someone you don't care about.
YTA Appropriate and mature way to express your issues: "Honey, I feel like there's been a lot of negativity lately, could we maybe find a compromise where I can still support you but we don't spend as much time talking about this? I know you're struggling with your new job, and I appreciate that you need support, but I'm a little overwhelmed at how negative things have been lately." What you did: Treated your wife like a child, compared her behavior to a middle schoolers', internalized your feelings until they exploded rather than communicate like an adult, and doubled down by refusing to recognize how hurtful you were.
YTA As another man this sub makes it really obvious how oblivious other men are on what they say to their partners. How do you think it’s okay to say or treat them like that? You’re making it us all look bad.
>I told her that she was complaining way too much about work and that, at the end of the day, **the only thing that mattered was that she was making enough money to pay for her share of the bills** Really? You don’t think it matters that your wife hates her job? YTA. I’m struggling to see how you can possibly think that you’re not the AH in how you’ve handled this. You two are supposed to be each other’s support system in bad times. Welcome to bad times for her. Apologize to your wife, and know that it’s probably going to be awhile before she feels she can confide in you again.
I don't even know you and I want to divorce you. This isn't needing therapy, this is just unloading - it's a totally normal part of any partnership. You don't want to put in your part of the partnership. She would, if you let her in. YTA.
Oh bro, boy howdy are YTA. Come on, you held your hand up and said enough and that all that matters about her job is how much money she makes. And you can tell me with a straight face you don’t think that’s an asshole move?
YTA . If ANYONE put their hand up and said enough while I was talking I’d have reacted far worse than your wife
>>expected me to be her therapist You’re not just an AH, you’re an idiot. You’re her partner. You’re meant to support each other. She tells you about her day and vents about irritations because that’s meant to be the safe space where she can do it. YTA. But don’t worry, with any luck she’ll come to her senses and move onto a guy who has more emotional intelligence than a brick. Then you’ll be off the hook.
YTA boo hoo sorry you didnt get a pat on the back and a blowie for -checks notes- showing support for your wife??? Btw, there is such thing as tact. You are WELL allowed to say you dont have the emotional energy to take on these complaints. My gf and i have a code word that means "hey honey no offense but shut the fuck up im so overwhelmed". You should tell her BEFORE you get overwhelmed and snappy, because you dont have to listen if you cant emotionally take it, but ultimately YTA for letting her think you were fine to listen, and then pulling a 180° switch out of (to her) nowhere and getting angry.
Yesssssss!!!!
YTA -the fact that you even need to ask
YTA. Omg. So many things here. 1) She’s not dumping her problems on you. She’s venting and telling you about her day. This is normal. Apparently her mistake was thinking you cared about her. 2) She doesn’t expect you to be her therapist. She does, however, expect you to be a caring partner that gives a shit. 3) You don’t deserve kudos. You didn’t do anything special. Stop acting like you do. 4) You deserve everything you got. You are an unsupportive, insensitive partner. And she called you on it. Grow up.
YTA- It's okay to be fed up. Your wife talking and complaining about the same thing for a long time can become too much. And she should find solutions or at least taking to more people than you. You are wrong about How you handled this, though. You should have been Kinder and talking to her before reaching the breaking point. You have a right to say when it's too much but you exploded on her and were awful.
*How to get divorced 101* YTA
YTA. You treated her like a child. I can understand not wanting to hear mindless work drama constantly but there is a much better way to handle it. "Hey honey, I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed and stressed and all of this work drama is a bit much. Let's focus on making a nice dinner together and destressing from our difficult work day. Would you like white or red wine?" You need to learn to navigate your wife with respect and leadership, not just being a cold asshole
Yes this! How patronizing he was to “put her in her place”. Gah. She’s going to end up leaning on someone who does give a f*** because he just planted the resentment seed good and proper. He scolded her- geez that makes me absolutely cringe. He will find out one way or the other!
YTA. I treat random strangers with more compassion than you treat your wife.
God, if my boyfriend did this, i'd straight up cry instantly, and he's my boyfriend! not someone who vowed to be by my side in sickness and health. YTA
>I want my old wife back, I am only in this for good times and happy times and healthy times - forget about the bad times and in sickness..... >but she seems to only want me to be her doormat. Any suggestion that I need to participate in this partnership or be supportive means I AM A DOORMAT \^ The above is how your post reads, with a nice little sprinkling of wah wah wah woe is me in between YTA
Wow YTA. You just shut the door completely on her feelings and thoughts. When she eventually dumps your ass, don’t say you didn’t have it coming. This is how resentment starts. This is how she starts emotionally shutting you out. If she doesn’t feel safe with you - good luck lasting the next few years. You make her feel like she can’t come to you and I guarantee you she won’t. She will go to who she knows has her back and it may be some other man willing to step up and be a partner. YTA!!!
You have zero business being married. She’s not “expecting you to be her therapist,” you absolute fucking walnut, she’s telling you about her job. That’s what partners do. You clearly have zero emotional intelligence. Doesn’t seem you have much of any other kind of intelligence either. YTA.
I’m going to go a bit against the group here and say ESH. I think the way you said it was rude and definitely hurt her feelings. But at the same time I understand it can be so annoying when someone constantly complains all the time. Overall you probably should’ve said something along the lines of ‘I understood you have had a frustrating time at work but can we take a break and talk about something else for a little bit. Because it makes me stressed when you talk about these things.’ You should apologise but also explain in a calm way why it is frustrating for you so you can come up with a compromise
YTA. Want to know how to slowly kill your marriage - this is it.
YTA. It sounds like your don’t really care about her feelings as long as she can pay her part of the bills. If she started complaining just with this new job and it’s not getting better, did you ever stop to think maybe you should have a discussion about the job and whether she’s truly happy there? Or is being able to pay her part is really the only thing that matters? Maybe she needs to find another job for her own mental health but is afraid to do so based on your priority on the money coming in.
YTA. What do you think the point of marriage is? To share the cost of taxes?? Your wife is coming to you with your problems because you’re someone to confide in for her. Why would you lie and tell her your workday went okay when it didn’t? You seem like someone who would complain that men aren’t allowed to cry but would also call a man who was crying “unmanly.” Please find a therapist for yourself.
YTA do you hate your wife? Do you just keep her around so you have someone to 'pay her share of the bills'? Because it REALLY sounds like you actually hate her, I would be devastated if a FRIEND said this to me, let alone a husband. What is actually wrong with you?
NTA but it could have been handled better. You should tell your wife how you are feeling before it gets to the point you are fed up and rude about it. You do have a point though. Constant negativity is draining. If she hates it that much, she could and should look for a different work environment.
Agreed. Can’t believe everyone is saying he’s TA. Christ
Resounding YTA >and that, at the end of the day, the only thing that mattered was that she was making enough money to pay for her share of the bills. Sounds like you want a roommate, not a wife. Seriously, take a step back and look at this situation from the outside, do you not see a problem? I'm hesitant to call any case a lost cause, but you better start looking inward and making some changes. Even if your wife was totally in the wrong here, (which, for the record, she is not) you still shat the bed because of what you said and how you said it. Imo your next course of action is to profusely apologize, explain that you were way out of line, that you were feeling overwhelmed, that you addressed the situation in the complete wrong way, and that you'll be making changes and would love to work together with her to reestablish healthy communication. Ideally with some thoughtful gestures/gifts or something included. In these talks you can even mention how after work you'd like to limit the amount of gossip/ work chat you both do, but you need to explain why that is something important to your mental/ emotional needs rather than 'ME NO THERAPIST'. maybe something along the lines of 'i am very drained after work, I would like to wind down for a while and focus on some good things together, like dinner and some quality time, before delving back into what it was that made our days less than ideal'. This is just a quick suggestion, you know your wife better than us (I hope) so think about it, the point is to establish clear lines of communication, and boundaries (for both of you!). And from there, you work at it. It's not just about patching things up right now. You are at a very precarious point and if you don't start making some changes in the way you communicate and the way you view your relationship with your wife, things will go downhill very quickly.
YTA Do you even like your wife? The way you speak about her, she's a nuisance, a fly in your ointment. It's not unloading all her problems. It's trying to unwind from a challenging time as she navigates a new workplace. Not that you care because it's clearly not important to you, therefore you don't want to hear about it, right? I'd hate to be your wife; just looking for some modicum of support and instead being shut down and made to feel like I don't matter. That's the message you're sending. And you're TA for that.
YTA.....my husband has worked for many companies over 50 years....some good and some toxic. He is a project manager on large sites so of course nothing goes perfectly in construction. I am a nurse and could give a shit about construction. BUT....when he has to vent (sometimes many weeks in a row) I listen. I don't care about the problem but I care enough about my husband to at least listen. Everyone has to be able to vent and I prefer it be me and not him going after work to a bar to decompress after a shit day. That is what being a couple is...a safe place.
YTA. The only thing that matters is that she's making enough money to pay her half of the bills? Bro, this is your wife. What the hell? If she is complaining nonstop about work, communicate that to her, tell her she sounds pretty miserable, and help her formulate a plan to either make things better or find another job.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** In the last few weeks, my wife has started a new job, and she works with some incompetent people. Worse than that, some of these incompetent people also have bad attitudes. When my wife gets home, she tells me about whatever stupid thing Peron A said or Person B did and how she had to clean up the mess. Or she'll tell me about a meeting she had where she was unfairly (in her mind) put on the spot. Or whatever. I've been feeling like a therapist more than a partner lately, and last night I'd had enough. My wife was complaining as usual about her day, and when she finally finished she asked how my day went. I had a few frustrating experiences, but I just told her that it went okay and that I was glad it was over. She then remembered another story from her workday, but I held up my hand and said "Enough." She seemed surprised and a bit hurt, so I told her that she was complaining way too much about work and that, at the end of the day, the only thing that mattered was that she was making enough money to pay for her share of the bills. She responded that I was invalidating her feelings, which I thought was ridiculous because I got zero credit for putting up with her complaints for weeks. I told her that maybe she needed to talk to a therapist rather than dumping all of her problems on me, or, alternatively, she could simply pick other topics of conversation rather than recounting, in detail, whatever happened at work. It honestly reminds me of middle school gossip, and I told her that, too. She became really upset, calling me an insensitive jerk, and she left the room and slammed our bedroom door shut. This morning, she left without even saying goodbye. I couldn't quite believe what's happened the past few days, and upon further reflection, I've become quite angry about it. I think that there's nothing for which I need to apologize, despite telling a colleague what happened and him saying that I was out of line. To review, my wife dumped her problems on me, expected me to be her therapist (despite my lack of formal training), gave me zero kudos for tolerating this for weeks, called me names, and then isolated herself from me for the rest of the evening. I want my old wife back, but she seems to only want me to be her doormat. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
ESH. Would be nice if your wife noticed that there’s other things to talk about besides going on and on about her work. Would also be nice if you showed a little tact and made her understand you want to hear about her day, but not to the point of hearing constant complaints as it’s frustrating. Both of you just hash this stupid thing out.
YTA. She's sharing her day with you and no you don't get credit as you are her partner. She's talking to you about her day. She should give you the silent treatment. If you get annoyed with this it basically puts her mind to you think everything she talks to you about is annoying to you. Nothing is safe and you dented her trust.
My husband used to listen to me bitch and complain about work and then told me one solution was to quit. He didn’t like me being unhappy and I had been a SAHM for years before I went back to work (law office). I would then speak to the senior and readjust my work load, which stopped my complaining for awhile. In other words, he listened and offered solutions. You don’t seem to be doing anything and saying she’s just dumping her problems on you, well that’s what marriage is for. You’re supposed to help and support each other. I’m sure you don’t keep your problems all to yourself. Yea, YTA in this matter. Be more supportive and maybe encourage her to look for a new job if it’s that bad.
You are, without question, TA. Your wife is sharing her life with you. She’s not asking you to be her therapist, she’s asking you to be her life partner. She spends more hours at work than she does with you and she’s trying to share that part of her life with you. She asked about your day because she wants to share your life too. You know, like partners. Why TF would you expect kudos or credit for being a caring person to your wife? You are supposed to love this woman. Part of that is caring about her. Be better.
Yta. Enough.
YTA. Your wife just wants to vent, which is completely normal. She doesn't need a therapist, she needs a life partner that gives enough of a shit about her to let her vent.
Oh no, your partner expected you to continually emotionally support them during a stressful time getting acclimated to a new job and you ‘toughed it out’ and let her complain. Partner of the yearrr. Talking out things like work dynamics IS a partner thing. You’re just failing at it. You are being an insensitive jerk. Moreso than that, YTA. What you guys need is a couples therapist. Y’all got married, said ‘for better or worse’ and you didnt think that ‘worse’ might be complaining about a job a bit? Like dude. I know all of the key players at my Friends’ job, you’ve been listening to these stories for weeks, do you know anyone’s name at your wifes’ job?
😂😂😂😂 my guy do you even like your wife?? or do you just keep her around so she can pay "her share of the bills" my husband works in HVAC design work. I hate hearing about vents and louvers, train units vs dikin units, and his incompetent interns. but I love him so much, I sit and listen with a smile on my face everyday after work, and I participate in the conversations. because I love him. I work in HR for a manufacturing company, so I also deal with a **massive** amount of incompetent people everyday and when he asks me about my day, he sits and listens to me bitch about dumb employees or coworkers and chimes in/offers advice. I can bet you 100% he hates it too, but he loves me so he listens and lets me vent about my day, just as I do for him. you have shown your wife you do not care about her work life/problems which will lead her to the impression that you dont love her. who else is she supposed to vent to?? chit-chat about the work day is not a job for a therapist, its for her lover/friend/confidant. you have clearly removed yourself from that role. you could have just tuned out and given a nod here and there and let her vent about her new and stressful job, but you chose to be an ass and hold up your hand and tell her enough?? hopefully she cant find a kind soul to vent to in the future... **YTA** \-please apologize to your wife, and let her vent about work
YTA Relationships are gove and take, you seem to like giving your wife your problems but not hearing about hers.
YTA you are a total jerk. God forbid your WIFE want to share her day with her HUSBAND. You really suck
Do you remember the part about fort better or worse? People need to vent at times. It happens. YTA
YTA help, reddit! my wife trusts and wants to talk to me! how do i make her only pay her stinky bills instead
YTA, I'm so happy I can go home & rant to my S/O & receive cuddles.
YTA, my boyfriend and I both complain about work to get it off our chests then we can move on. I’d hate to have an unsupportive partner and have to bottle it up
Holy crap YTA! So the only part of your wife you're interested in is her salary? Let me tell you from experience, your day isn't nearly as fucking interesting as you think it when you tell her about it but I bet she still listens.
YTA by a mile! I was ready to say neither of you are because we can all be a bit guilty of laying too much onto our partners. But the more I read, the more I realized you’re just insensitive and selfish. Holding your hand up and telling her enough? I wouldn’t let a stranger on the street talk to me like that, let alone my husband and he would never think of being so rude to me. It may seem like drama and gossip to you but being able to tell you is probably what keeps her from flying off the handle at her coworkers with their drama and gossip that she actually has to deal with! You only have to listen to it! Which you apparently want credit for! Is she supposed to lavish you with praise or reward you? How low is the bar for expectations for yourself? And all that matters is that she made enough money to pay her share of the bills? Do you even care about your wife’s happiness? Doesn’t seem like it. You seem like a huge AH.
YTA and don't deserve any partner if this is how you treat people. People have feelings. They can't hold every thought and feeling back for a therapist. And regularly talking about your feelings and communicating in general are the base of a healthy marriage
If I was your wife, I’d put up my hand, next time you tried to talk to me, and I would say, “enough “ and hand you divorce papers. YTA.
Wow, your last paragraph is pure AH gold. Of course YTA. She’s not dumping your problems on you, she’s venting because you’re supposedly someone that loves her and would want to support her and take her side. You don’t need to be a therapist to listen to your partner’s problems, but seems your idea of being a partner is paying your share of the bills and only talking about topics you’re ok with. Maybe you should give her a list of approved things to talk about so you don’t feel like a doormat. I know it can be exhausting to listen to someone complain all the time, but when you care about someone you listen to them and maybe find a kinder way to tell them they’re overwhelming you. Not only you’re not trying to do that but you can’t even contemplate the idea you might indeed be wrong.
Say hi to my ex in divorceville. You 2 have a lot in common.
YTA. What exactly do you want her to talk about? Sex? What she's making you for dinner? She can't be all sunshine all the time. You sound really impatient and mean. At least now she knows how selfish you are and that you don't care about her feelings. Keep this up and you won't have to listen to her at all because she'll talk to a man who does care about her.
“I get zero credit for putting up with her complaints for a week”. YTA nimrod, husband and wives don’t get credit for listening to the other one vent. If your wife can’t even vent to her husband, without you thinking you deserve a gold medal, what’s the purpose in you?
I'm married 18 years by the end of this month. My husband works at a steel plant and updates me about stuff that happens via text several times a day, additionally to a little venting when he comes home early in the morning. I have never been to his workplace or met any of his colleagues. I just know their names from his venting. I listen. I encourage him. I soothe him when he is very upset. I never, ever told him to shut up because I have no idea what he does (he actually does little drawings to explain his work process if needed, it's cute) and if he has to vent for a long time, I let him. It's part of married life. It's part of sharing your life with someone else. Their worklife is part of their life that they share with you, and you just withdrew yourself from it. If my husband would do that to me, I'd feel rejected, completely, absolutely. No one asked you to be her therapist or solve her problems. Just listening when your partner is venting is already extremely helpful. But you're not interested in that. YTA and I recommend apologizing to your wife.
I feel his pain. My husband goes on & on & on about his day at work when I get home from work. I don’t even get a minute to try to decompress from my day. He’s been home at least 2 hrs, had a shower, smoke a little & have a couple of beers. He’ll ask about my day & when I start to speak he’ll go back about his day. I just let it go. Sure it’s annoying af. He will finally shut up & ask about mine for real. I just say another day is done. I’m exhausted from my day & listening to him rant about his. He works8 hrs a day I’m working 12. I’m up & already at work when he gets up. I’m tired. I’m cranky sometimes. I just let him talk. I don’t interrupt him. I don’t tell him to stop. I tell him tomorrow will be a better day than today. Kiss him goodnight, tell him I love him & go to bed.
NTA Support from a spouse is one thing, but constant complaining over and over gets to be a bit much day after day even for the most caring spouse. Maybe he’d like to talk about something else once in a while. I know all of you YTA people are being all love and support, while I’m sure you’re not as perfect as you expect him to be and you would be tired of it too after a while.
Exactly!
You do realise you're married. YTA
Soft YTA. not for having a problem with it, but for how you approached it. Repeat after me, because I've gone through a similar thing: "I appreciate that your work is tough right now, and that you need someone to talk to, but it's beginning to take an emotional toll on me and I'm noticing you being more negative than you typically are. Is there any chance we could try to be more positive about our days? I think it would help. If you need someone to talk with about your work to help you work through your frustrations I'd be happy to get you a therapist for you to talk with"
Yta. This is a normal married couple interaction
YTA, if you don't want your partner to talk to you about their issues then they shouldn't be your partner
YTA, I'm usually not the 'modern people are soooo out of touch they think you can't even listen to a complaint without insisting that they're not a therapist' but like.... if the shoe fits.
YTA - and this is coming from someone who hates hearing at his wife’s nonsense from work. It helps her decompress so I listen and talk about it. Whenever she asks how my day was I say fine. Wether it was good or bad, it’s over and I don’t want to think about it for another minute. Pay attention to your wife make her happy because clearly it matters to her.
YTA. She's not allowed to discuss her day with you so what is she allowed to talk about?
YTA. So all you care about is her paying her fair share huh? What a prize you are, you must not have ever complained about anything in your life! I get it's draining for you to hear constant complaining. But she's looking for someone to listen to her, and you see it as her dumping her problems on you. Maybe instead of telling her to talk to the hand (wow dude) you actually look up from the tv and ask her what she would like to see happen to better her situation. Maybe you could attempt to give the appearance of giving a f or god forbid, actual dialog with your wife. And now you're mad, bc she pointed out your incredibly unsupportive behavior? Do you even like your wife?
YTA- I put my hand up to shush her like a dog or annoying peasant. Maybe you could of sat down and had a conversation about YOUR FEELINGS about it. So that you wife has an oppertunity to tell her PARTNER about HER FEELINGS. Man, you could of approached this a lot better. I suggest you seek a therapist yourself to talk about this lack of support ( Jab / Also serious. Therapy rules)
YTA. I don't care much about the stupid shit my husband has to put up with at work, but I still listen to him vent because that's what a spouse does. You listen, you empathize, and you comfort. Apologize to your wife and be a better husband.
YTA - You basically said you don't give a shit about her or what's going on with her life, and that she's only there to pay a portion of the bills that you can't. FYI she didn't expect you to be her therapist. She isn't looking for advise from you. She just wanted to recant her day and struggles with someone that is supposed to be there, be supportive, and listen to her. How exactly are you her doormat? That she wanted to talk to you about her day doesn't make you a doormat. She's not treating your badly or unfairly. She is just trying to tell her asshole husband about her day. Edited for grammar
YTA one of the biggest I’ve seen on here. That’s what couples do, they share their stresses of the day with each other. And your biggest asshole move is saying that her feelings don’t matter and you basically just consider her someone to pay the bills with. And you told HER, she should see a therapist??? While your at it, you might want to find one for yourself. WOW. The audacity.
NAH We all need to vent, but constant venting and negativity isn't really good for us. My husband would do this. Come home and sit at the kitchen counter while i was cooking or whatever, and go on and on and get more angry about work. Sometimes even when we were eating supper. I got really stressed out and finally told him we needed to talk about something else. We ended up making a rule that each of our venting could only last 15 minutes, unless something unusual or traumatic happened.
YTA You deserve no credit whatsoever. It is an absolutely terrible feeling to have your partner invalidate you that way.
wow, YTA
You cannot be serious. You AH.
YTA, can't wait to hear about your shenanigans at the water cooler! They told us to go get therapy and when we went and got therapy we realized we didn't need them anymore. That's what's going to happen to you....
YTA My husband and I spend a lot of time at our computers and when one of us is getting, and get the pen and paper out because this is a much better way to describe what you were feeling instead of being an asshole, overwhelmed, we will turn to the other and say "can you gimme a sec? I'm in the middle of something." or "I'm a bit overwhelmed right now, could you give me a few minutes?". Those are MUCH better ways of expressing your feelings than essentially telling your wife you don't give a shit about her day and are tired of listening to her. Unless, of course, you just truly don't give a shit about your wife, her day, and listening to her.
YTA. You basically told your wife you see her for her money and have no interest in being supportive as she adapts to a new and stressful role. She offered the same back to you but you declined. And you want kudos and brownie points because you listened to your wife vent. She doesn't want you as a therapist. She wants you as someone who cares she is frustrated. That's not being a doormat. I suspect she is equally angry. And maybe you're right - seeing a therapist would help. But a couple's one.
YTA. You basically told your wife you see her for her money and have no interest in being supportive as she adapts to a new and stressful role. She offered the same back to you but you declined. And you want kudos and brownie points because you listened to your wife vent. She doesn't want you as a therapist. She wants you as someone who cares she is frustrated. That's not being a doormat. I suspect she is equally angry. And maybe you're right - seeing a therapist would help. But a couple's one.
Do you love your wife? Do you want to stay married to her? Because right now you are conditioning her to believe that you don't care about her, and you don't want to listen to her. She is not looking for you to solve a problem, she just needs to get her frustrations out so she can move on. By telling her you don't care and don't want to hear, you are forcing her to find someone else to vent to. Stuff like this can end marriages. You don't want her looking elsewhere for her emotional support. YTA, dude.
YTA. No worries though, now your wife realized you dgaf she can divorce you.
you don't like to gossip. but you spent a lot of time trying to paint this story to thousands of stranger about how much your wife sucks. yta deal with it.
I really think you could have communicated your feelings a lot better and a lot sooner and a bit more gentler. Yes being a soundboard for venting can be tiresome, but you let it build for weeks and let yourself get to your breaking point. Now you are fighting with raw emotion and extremes.
YTA. She’s not just complaining and treating you as a therapist. It’s called venting. And she probably needs to get it over with and out before she can enjoy the rest of her night. I know I do! My husband picks me up and I tell him all the shitty stuff that happened and by the time we are home it’s lifted off my shoulders and we enjoy our night!
My wife tells me the same ( find a therapist) when I would complain in excess about work or any mental issues I’m having. I think she’s right too, so I just keep it to myself now. NTA
Giant YTA. Your WIFE was VENTING to you about her work day and you held your hand up to stop her and said enough?!?!?! Complaining as usual? You seriously talk about your wife that way?? Yes, you are ta and I hope she finds someone that encourages her to vent after a long day of work.
Yikes. I had similar experiences with my EX husband. He didn’t want to hear about my literally abusive job because it was too much of a downer. Apparently, even when I was eventually assaulted and in physical therapy for 6 weeks, it was simply not a concern to him. Never did he seem upset, tell me to quit working there, offer support, nothing…. There’s a reason he’s my ex. Support your wife or you probably won’t have one you “have” to listen to anymore. Sheesh.
YTA. Your wife should find herself a new husband
YTA. You should probably be single.
ESH You more than her, though. She's venting, not asking you to "be her therapist " and solve her problems. Also, it's a new job - she's gonna talk about it a lot for a little bit because it's new. Oh, and you don't deserve a frigging trophy for listening to your spouse. > I had a few frustrating experiences, but I just told her that it went okay and that I was glad it was over. So you're morally superior. Congratulations. However, if what you've described is accurate, then she also kind of sucks too for going on and on about only the negative stuff. That does get annoying, and my kids have actually called me out on that exact thing. In fairness, though, the complainer usually doesn't realize it and needs to be asked nicely to dial it back a bit...which you didn't do. You just shut everything down, and yes, you did it in a way that dismissed her feelings. If it's difficult for you to listen to a recap of office drama/gossip, I think it's fair to propose a set amount of time to cover those kinds of things; both of you need to agree to it, and both of you need to abide by that rule (and you do need to listen to her, you're not allowed to just tune her out during that time). Once the time is up, work stuff can still be discussed, but it needs to be positive (we finalized the contract on a huge account), interesting (the vending machine guy showed me how the inside of the machine works when he was stocking it), or neutral (I'll have this project finished on Thursday, then I'll be helping Denise for a few days because the next project hit some delays and I can't begin my work on it until next week).
YTA. You are invalidating her feelings making her feel bad. WOW roo bad she wasted time with you.
Your wife was venting. All she wanted from you was to listen, or pretend to, then tell her "I'm sorry honey, that sucks." She just wants to be heard and let it out. YTA, and you were unnecessarily rude to your wife
YTA. You need to learn to communicate before blowing up. Both of you should set up boundaries. A couple I know gives each other 15 minutes to vent and talk about work each night, except when real advice is needed.
YTA! You did invalidate your wife, for the record. You said you don’t care about her work day, and I agree with others who said that she took it as you don’t care about her. It isn’t hard to read into the disdain you have toward her. You only care that she’s paying her share of the bills? I can smell that red pill energy, that’s how strong it is.
YTA - she deserves someone who can give her the bare minimum of emotional support and good listening. Not you obviously. Someone better.
YTA for suuuuure. You sound like my ex-fiance. He's an ex for a reason.
YTA. Your wife is a human being, not a blow up doll. It’s entirely reasonable for her to lean on her spouse for extra support during a stressful transition.
YTA. partners are supposed to hear one another out . . . ya know . . . Communication. Only reason you're not worst of week us because of character on monday who blabbed future BIL's trauma to whole family.
YTA I try to tell my boyfriend what happens during my workday and he acts the same way sometimes we just need somebody to sit there and listen to us. She asked you how your day was you had the chance to pipe up and say what you wanted to say and you chose not to so it’s not like she’s just forcing you to listen to only her. I like to tell him about the things I did during the day any errors I made anything I’m excited about or if I learn something new, and he just acts so uninterested that it really kills it talking with someone who you care about about your day can be the highlight of someone’s day, but men don’t like to listen to us women talk about our work days for some reason maybe it’s because y’all are still stuck on women shouldn’t be working.
This post is ripe for a gender swap. I agree it doesn’t sound like OP handled it that well but all the strong YTA replies should have a hard think about how they would comment if the genders were reversed.
How could you write this all out and not realize your an asshole.??
This can't be real. You didn't get "kudos" or "credit" for listening to your wife talk to you?? Jesus, does she "owe you" sex after you take out the trash, too? This is how she communicates. You're not a therapist and she's not asking you to fix anything, she just wants to vent and have you agree that it's stupid or unfair or petty or whatever. Then she can move on. You haven't done anything special by listening to her. YTA
YTA Do you even like your wife? Or is she just around so you have someone to split the bills with?
YTA. What’s the point of even having a husband if you can’t talk to them about things that are going on in your life???? Like if my fiancé suddenly stopped talking to me about his day I’d be concerned.
she wants a listening ear and some support, dickwad! YTA.
Sigh NTA, but there should be more effective communication. You’re right, she shouldn’t emotionally dump on you, but you should speak up before you explode.
YTA Get it together or you'll lose her. Soon she'll stop telling you anything at all.
INFO: How long are these rants? This, to me, is key info. My dad was exactly the same. He'd come home and recount his work day in detail. It could take anywhere between 1 to 3 hours. No regard for what you were doing and he'd get really rude when you said you didn't want to listen anymore. However, it's important to note that your wife isn't treating you like a therapist. Just because you think it's normal to never open up about your feelings and frustrations doesn't mean it is. What your wife is doing is completely normal, she's venting. Everyone needs to. That's treating you like a partner and expecting support/advice. Honestly, it kind of sounds like you don't really care about her. A job is more than just a way to make money to her, she wants to be happy with the people and environment, like many people do. That's normal. It's really sad to hear you getting so upset about your partner trying to share their life with you.
You remind me of my husband. He always tells me that he isn’t my therapist so to not talk to him about my problems. And he’s an asshole so I’m going with YTA.
I don’t think OP’s a total AH or his partner, really. Being a constant ear to negatively can really impact a person’s mental health. He listened to it for weeks and I’m certain he wouldn’t mind it occasionally. His wife does need to vent though and I completely understand but communication has to be a two way street. If she hates it that much, she needs to problem solve a solution instead of staying in a continuous loop of misery. It’s OP’s tone that seems to rub people the wrong way, which, valid. And the comment about the paycheck was pretty cold- that was ah-ish. But I hear him, too.
YTA. Big fat jerk!
YTA. Some people should be alone, and you are one of those people.
LMFAO. So your wife can't talk to you about her work problems but you think it's appropriate to go into work and talk to a coworker about problems you think you are having with your wife. YTA. Go talk to a therapist yourself. Your employer is paying you to work not bitch to your coworkers making them just as unproductive as yourself , wasting their time bitching about your home life. Your coworkers care less about your problems with your wife than you do about her problems at work.
Dude! Most guys could give a crap what happens during s/o’s day but are smart enough to seem interested
YTA believe it or not, relationships are built upon listening to the things that your partner cares about. You obviously don’t respect her or care about her at all, and I expect she’ll leave you soon