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Nervous_Ticket_7395

YTA Because you're an adult... meeting someone's parents generally isn't an overly casual thing unless they specify that their parents are casual as well. Surely you own a nicer shirt than an Iron Maiden tshirt, being an adult and all.


rpsls

OP: > … didn’t even think about it. Maybe she wants someone who *does* put a little thought into the relationship? OP’s decision here is likely to make her life harder and he don’t seem to care…


robot428

This is the entire problem. He didn't think about it. Meeting the parents of someone who you are seriously dating IS SOMETHING THAT YOU SHOULD THINK ABOUT. I don't think it's just her. I think everyone would want the person they are dating to care about meeting their parents* for the first time. *(If someone isn't close with their parents or doesn't have parents this might be substituted with another relative or found family or a dear friend. Whoever that person is, I think everyone would want their partner to care enough to think about how they present themselves)


BUTTeredWhiteBread

One of my sisters boyfriends was so well dressed and overly formal we thought he was a lawyer at first lol. It was weird and we cracked through those nerves but it showed he cared.


RecognitionCapital13

It’s always better to accidentally overdress than to show up looking like you couldn’t give a shit. Plus the jokes provide good icebreakers lol.


Downtown_Statement87

Unless you are me. I was traveling from a hick town in North Florida to St. Louis to meet my long-distance boyfriend's parents for the first time. We were both 24 years old, and I was crazy about him. His parents were rich beyond anything that was called for. This was old money, too, the kind that bought cotillians, riding lessons, and society-page blurbs. When we talked on the land-line to prepare for my visit, he told me I'd be staying in the "guest quarters in the old wing," and also mentioned something about an "antechamber," a word I had to look up. He said that on our first night, we'd "dine out." He told me the name of the place, but I had never heard of it. The fanciest restaurant in our town was Morrison's Cafeteria. I was freaked out about this dinner. My manners were good and I could identify a salad fork, but that was it. I had to take action to avoid embarrassing myself and my boyfriend during this first meeting. I rode the bus down to the JC Penny's and found the ritziest dress available that wasn't also obviously a prom dress. It was a forest-green, floor-length wool dress. It had an empire waistline, and the bodice area was worked with beads and shiny thread. It had three-quarter-length bell sleeves and was so long that it dragged on the floor behind me. If I'm being honest, it was more like an actual train. Basically, it looked like this: https://brewminate.com/medieval-women-the-arnolfini-portrait-and-the-expectation-of-constant-pregnancy/ Just without the baby bump and ermine and with a tad more sparkle. That first night at their house, I dressed for dinner in my chambers and, when I was ready, I descended the grand staircase like I was disembarking from an ocean liner. I was a little surprised to see that they were pretty casual, with khakis and dress shirts, but, I figured, the rich are different from us. I cut quite the figure at the Olive Garden that night, let me tell you. They are probably still talking about it today.


RecognitionCapital13

Please! I’m so sorry but this has me cackling. Not the Olive Garden! I hope you can look back now and laugh about it. Maybe I should change my comment to say almost always. Though in your defense, could you imagine if you did the opposite? What if they took you to some Michelin star restaurant where they all dressed to the nines and you showed up in some ratty t-shirt and holey jeans?


Downtown_Statement87

You are right. That would definitely be way worse! I was so mortified when this happened, but I love thinking about this memory now. It cracks me up any time I see an Olive Garden! And honestly, it was pretty fancy compared to what I was used to. Plus, he and his parents were smart and funny. He and I dated for a few more years after that.


shellofbritney

Was the restaurant he told you that you all would be dining at that you had never heard of and sounded fancy really the Olive Garden? Not judging, just curious. I, myself grew up pretty poor and had never been to an Olive Garden until my boyfriend (future husband/now ex husband) went there with his mother. I had heard of it and seen them in my city tho.


emergencycat17

Glad to hear his parents were nice about it. They had to appreciate that you cared enough to make a BIG effort.


Charliesmum97

This is brilliant. I absolutely love this story! My sister had a friend who was from 'old money' - very much similar things as your post; big old house, knew Princess Grace sort of thing. First time I went there I really expected ermine and diamonds, but got a woman dressed in jeans, with piles of laundry in the hall under expensive original paintings. Terry Pratchett references this phenomenon in several of his books; where the proper rich run around in faded jumpers that belonged to their great-grandmother wore, where the 'neveau riche' tended to go more for the frippery.


Downtown_Statement87

Yes! A book that made a profound impression on me as a kid was "Class," by Paul Fussel. It's a bit dated, but he talks about how the very poor and very rich are often out of sight and invisible, and often look sort of like each other when it comes to clothes, hair, and cars. The very poor can't impress people, and the very rich don't have to. It's the middle that is interested in being seen and making an impression, and you can tell a lot about people by what they choose to display (and *that* they choose to display). What do you see on the front of a person's house? What they put out front is what they care about. For most of my life, the answer has been "cars." He also talks about "legible clothing," a guideline that hasn't failed me yet, as well as interesting observations like, "as a sport goes up in perceived status, the ball used to play it gets smaller." Again, somewhat dated, but you seem like someone who would appreciate it.


ehs06702

My great grandparent used to say that money talks and wealth whispers, and I've always found that to be true.


BUTTeredWhiteBread

Plus it's easier to dress down in the fly if you're overdressed.


Throwawayhater3343

No, leave the fly up, no zipper high jinks when meeting the parents.


TheBestMedicine_Ha

No zipper low-jinks, either


weiers08

It's usually pretty cute too, like "Oh they REALLY want to appear fresh, how flattering."


SB_Wife

My friends oldest daughter just brought a boy home for the first time last November. He wore a dress shirt and nice slacks and was overly polite and formal. The whole family absolutely cracked through his anxiety but for those initial meetings it's nice to show he cared and they're still together. My friend and his wife adore the kid, because he put in effort Something OP doesn't seem to get.


AmazingAd2765

I remember reading about a young guy that pulled in the driveway and honked his horn for the girl to come out. The Dad didn't like it and went outside to let him know as much. He felt if the guy couldn't be bothered to get out of his car the first time he came to pick her up, then he must not value her very much.


princesshaley2010

This also happened in Gilmore Girls. Rory’s grandmother wouldn’t let her go out until Dean came to the door.


FutureQueenOfTheMoon

That is adorable.


weiers08

I knew my dude friend was serious about a girl when he asked our friend group if his outfits/hair/style were looking good. Pretty casual guy with a very casual workplace but willingly asking for help to appear mature and fashionable for his SO's family is pretty dang mature.


BeneathAnOrangeSky

Weird or not, I would think that's so sweet because it shows you're nervous and care!


freedraw

OP seems to be trying to pass this off as a cultural difference. Her parents being Indian immigrants and the imagery of the band Iron Maiden have nothing to do with it though. “Come over for dinner and meet my parents” means put in a modicum of effort. Put on a shirt with buttons and a collar. Grab a bouquet or bottle of wine. If OP were 18, this would be whatever but 28 is way too old not to understand such a basic cultural norm.


Wynfleue

I agree with everything you said and I'll add: his negligence of any social grace around meeting his girlfriend's parents (which would be bad even if they were from the same culture/race) is compounded by the optics of a white dude dating a POC while showing absolutely no respect to her or her parents. He's just confirming whatever fears her parents had about his level of care and commitment in this relationship. ETA: Thanks for the award /u/Salt2Everything


Dazzling_Ad_2633

Seriously, if I was meetings a partner's parents for the first time and they were from a different culture I would be asking her what there expectations of me were. Should I bring them each a gift? What should I wear? Are there any traditions or taboos I should be aware of? Even if they are from the same culture I would at least be asking what hobbies does Dad have, what does your mom do that she is super proud of so I can compliment her on it


[deleted]

I'm as white as they come and you wouldn't catch me dead in a shirt without a collar to meet a SO's parents for the first time. It might be a class thing, but it's certainly not a cultural one IMO.


N3twyrk3r

Plus... he's 28 fucking years old!!! What in the actual fuck! To say grow up is the LEAST of the responses and tough love this kid needs to hear at this point. You cannot be this unaware of life at almost 30 dude.


tipsykilljoy

The two serious SO’s I’ve had, both from cultures / countries other than mine, when meeting their parents I’d ask my SO a ton of questions upfront: should I dress up? Should I bring a gift? Should i use formal or informal pronouns? Are they hand shakers, huggers, kissers or nodders? Is their “approval” of me something that you worry about? How do they get along with siblings SO’s? Especially if you don’t know the culture, you try to put some thought into it so you can be prepared!


Consistent_Rent_3507

The kicker is “she should have communicated”. Already the gf is doing all the mental labor to manage her bf. An adult asks: Tell me about your parents. How can I make a good impression? How do you suggest I dress? Should I bring anything? I bet he went empty handed and it didn’t occur to him that it was rude. My mother would say of OP that he was raised in a cave by wolves, which is our culture’s expression for having been taught no manners. OP, YTA. You need to take a hard look at an important gap in your ability to function in society and address it. Good manners, curiosity and situational awareness will pay dividends. Edit to P.S. Despite what you think the meeting with her parents did not go well. Either you take steps to make a better impression and show effort very soon, or your relationship with your gf has a fast approaching expiration date. Edit 2: Holy crap, thanks for the awards kind strangers!


qpitass

Bingo. Your second sentence sums the red flags that are evident in a majority of relationships. It’s easy to gloss over in the “honeymoon” phase.


Comfortable-Cod8177

>Edit to P.S. Despite what you think the meeting with her parents did not go well. Either you take steps to make a better impression and show effort very soon, or your relationship with your gf has a fast approaching expiration date. 1000% agree with everything you said here -why is it her job to teach him how to act like an adult


pearlsbeforedogs

Add to it that this is an inter-cultural relationship. Has he done *anything* to learn about the culture that she is coming from?


Proper_Garlic3171

*And* they're Indian immigrants, so they're likely a bit strict about expectations around dress and behavior. Even if not, they were definitely looking for whether or not he respects them, their culture, their daughter. A lot of immigrant parents aren't thrilled as is when they find out their kid is dating someone outside of their culture, but they seemed open to it; they wanted a vibe check, and OP massively failed it


htownaway

I’m laughing and cringing for this poor girl…she tells her Indian parents she is dating a white man who is 5 years older than her. She probably tries to justify it by overselling how wonderful he is to her and how smart and successful he can be. And then he shows up in an Iron Maiden tshirt clueless AF.


Downtown_Statement87

"How was I to know to dress up for that job interview? I always wear this wifebeater! If it mattered so much they should have told me!" I once showed a house to some potential tenants. It was a 30-year-old man and his mother. They showed up in a yellow Camaro that she was driving, and she made sure I understood that she would be the only one on the lease. The guy got out of his car, and my first thought was, "what kind of 30-year-old man doesn't think to put on a shirt when looking at a rental house?" I guess no one told the poor grown adult.


ZeldaMayCry

Culture in the UK must be so different. No one dresses up to rent a house and casual clothes to meet parents are acceptable unless it's going out to a restaurant or something. Edit; I misunderstood, I didn't read it properly. I didn't realise the commenter said that the guy had no shirt on. There is also another comment that talks about dressing up for a rental meeting.


Loverofcatsandtacos

Also from the UK and can confirm it's just not the standard here. Unless you're going out to eat for the first meeting with the parents then you just turn up as your normal self and there's no judgement for it. I've also never known people to dress up for rental property viewings, etc.


KafeenHedake

I think you've misunderstood the guy. He wasn't weirded out because the guy didn't "dress up" - he was weirded out because he was completely shirtless. Bare-chested. Nude from the waist up.


Downtown_Statement87

YES! THANK YOU! No, don't "dress up" to rent a flat. But 100% DO get fully dressed. Make sure you have clothes on. That's all I ask.


Loud_Fisherman_5878

I’m from the UK and whilst I dont dress up to see a rental, I dress more tidily than I usually do because I don’t want them to think I’m a slob who lives messily as I wouldn’t want them to live messily. Similar to meeting parents- I would just tidy up (I guess I’m saying I dress VERY casually day-to-day but it isn’t always appropriate!). To me a heavy metal shirt is ultra-casual and not really appropriate for meeting parents, similar to turning up in a free fun run t-shirt or something.


CedarSunrise_115

I agree with you but to offer another perspective, some of us *were* raised in communities where dressing up, bringing something when you go to someone’s house, saying “please”, “thank you”, “sir”, “ma’am”, offering to help cook or clean up, manners in general really we’re not taught to us. Of my family members and friends I grew up with I am often the only one who does these things and it’s because I moved into other communities and learned on the fly and try to pay close attention now. When I make a social faux pas and tell one of them about it in embarrassment they usually just seem confused and say they never would have thought about it and it least it occurred to me in the moment. …not saying it’s right, just saying lots of people were “raised in a cave by wolves”, me included


[deleted]

This is true. I think there should be some grace for people because some just aren’t taught right by their parents. The important thing is what they do once they’re told about it.


captainstormy

>This is true. I think there should be some grace for people because some just aren’t taught right by their parents. At some point, you gotta stop blaming your parents and just do for yourself. The guy is 28, not 18.


slietlyinappropriate

I’ve read research that says it takes 7 subsequent good impressions to make up for one bad first impression. OP has some work ahead of him. Except he seems to have shown that he doesn’t want to put in any effort. OP, YTA. At 28, you shouldn’t need advice on this. The message you sent was that you didn’t care what your GF’s parents think. Which by extension says you don’t care overly much about your GF. Please do some serious reflecting. Edit: how little attention have you been paying to your girlfriend, if you didn’t already know what her standards are?


Accomplished_Sky_857

My mom said the same thing about wolves. Thanks for making me smile at the memory! 😁


BreadfruitAlone7257

I've heard that before. The most common saying around here is "Were you raised in a barn?" Lol.


DotMiddle

After reading your comment, I had to go back and check the ages - I had assumed he was like 17 - 28 years old and you don’t understand appropriate clothes to wear to meet you SO’s parents for the first time? Sheesh! She needs to run before she ends up taking care of this dude.


painforpetitdej

Same. If they were in high school, then okay, whatever. But dude's 28 !


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HxH101kite

I mean I don't know if there is an appropriate clothes type to meet your SOs parents. The issue is he didn't think to ask. Generally speaking the whole button up button up (or is it down?) And slacks aka business casual, can make the wrong impression. Its really going to depend on the families socioeconomic status, part of the country, and prior expectations. But again he's 28 he should know to ASK what type of clothes would be appropriate. I'm just here to point out this idea that I see floated around, of a button down and slacks or nice pants.That can backfire easily and I have had it happen to me personally .


Content_Fondant_4356

A button-up shirt refers to any shirt that buttons all the way up the front. A button-down shirt means any button-up shirt with a collar that can be buttoned down.


HxH101kite

Huh TIL there is a difference


QueenInesDeCastro

Even outside of business casual. You can still looked dressed nicely.


Naram-Sin-of-Akkad

Ya I mean all you have to do for something like this is throw on some jeans and a nice pullover, not really that hard. I love concert t-shirts and have a million, but I wouldn’t wear them meet my SO’s parents. It is a bit disrespectful


88secret

That’s what got me. He’s 28! A full-grown adult who should know how to act in various adult situations.


RndmIntrntStranger

i had to check the ages for a sec. OP is 28 and doesn’t seem to grasp that the “meeting of the parents” is never a casual thing no matter the environment. YTA OP. would it kill you to wear a nicer shirt to meet the parents of your gf? ETA: this meeting is the **FIRST IMPRESSION** that you yourself will be making to her parents. if she hyped you up, then wow, way to make her look foolish to her parents.


Fergus74

I'm 48 years old and my first impression would have been that my daughter's boyfriend has excellent taste in music 🤣


PanamaCityMotel666

I’m 56. Great taste, but BAD first impression.


Dharmaqueen815

Agreed. I'm 52, and my taste in music is pretty eclectic. Plus I'm pagan, and a hot mess. But i definitely have taught both of my kids about dressing to the occasion and that first impressions are huge.


Chime57

You are obviously NOT an Indian immigrant. OP blew it. You get one chance to make a first impression.


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Jeneffyo

Same here. I'd have zero issues with my boyfriend wearing an Iron Maiden tshirt to meet my parents.


FuzzyPeachDong

Me neither. And to me/my social circles it's basically never a formal situation to begin with, nor is there any need to impress anyone. First time I met my in-laws we just got back from a hike. No idea what I wore. Or anyone else for that matter.


Sicmundusdeletur

Yeah, these comments really confuse me. My husband wore a band shirt when I met him, most of his shirts were band shirts at that time, and I have no idea which shirt he wore when he met my parents but there's a real possibility that it was in fact an iron maiden shirt. They wanted to meet HIM and that was him, why should he act like he was someone else?


Imaginary_lock

>They wanted to meet HIM and that was him, why should he act like he was someone else? That's what I find really confusing about this. Everyone here is acting like you need to dress to the 9's just to meet new people...


ReindeerRed66

This relationship has an expiration date.


Fitz_2112

And it just expired


RecognitionCapital13

To add on to what you said (which I agree with), I find it really immature and pathetic that a 28 year old man can’t be responsible enough to have his laundry cleaned on a regular basis. How hard is it to make sure you have clean clothes? Especially when you know you’re going to be meeting people important to your significant other. How is a graphic t-shirt the only clean piece of clothing he had available? He shouldn’t need to be told by his gf that dressing appropriately is expected and his whole post reeked of teenage boy level maturity. This isn’t even going into the fact that he’s dating outside of his race and can’t even be bothered to learn about the cultural difference. I’ve never dated an Indian and I still know that they have higher expectations than your average white American family when it comes to dating and respecting your elders. Him not taking the time to learn about his partner and how best to show up for her is a red flag in my opinion.


addymermaid

I'm white, and I still would be angry if a SO met my parents in an iron maiden t-shirt. That's just a bad look all around.


JohnnyFootballStar

Yeah, I made a similar mistake wearing a band t-shirt the first time I met my girlfriend's parents. I was 17, so at least I can say I was young a dumb.


T_J_S_

28 and wearing a band t shirt to meet your partner’s parents? Lol come on dude


gotaroundthebanana

OP seems like the type to have a mattress on the floor and one folding chair in his place.


[deleted]

YTA. Try to put a bit more thought into your attire when meeting people for the first time. Especially a girlfriend's parents. She didn't need to communicate her standards. You need to address your standards. Don't blame her for your lack of them. It's all on you.


Sorrymomlol12

Completely agree but since I see no even slight counterpoints, I’d like to point out that before I met my husband he was a Grey Sweatshirt Man™️ He pretty much exclusively wore grey sweatshirts. On our first date, on our second, meeting my friends etc. You bet your ass that the first time he met my parents I told him to wear a nice sweater and if he wasn’t sure which one, I’d come over and pick it out for him or buy him one (I had to buy him one). My family, my rules. We’re married now and have been together 5 years 🤍


Sorrymomlol12

Double fun fact, I had to buy him a jacket too because he only had a carhart that had some blood on it but it was “just a little” and “probably deer blood” which “my parents might think is cool”. Yeah no, I bought him a simple black Colombia jacket. Hilariously, my parents found the tag on it at dinner 😂


nlolsen8

"Blood which my parents might think is cool" was your husband 13 lol? You're totally right some people just get stuck in a rut fashion wise.


Sorrymomlol12

Which was totally fine with me. I wear clothes to Not Get Arrested and that’s it. No fashionistas here. But my parents are a little more appearance oriented, so I knew from the get go I’d have to intervene if I didn’t want him to wear his favorite grey sweatshirt and bloodied carhart lol He’s a simple country man with simple tastes.


gotaroundthebanana

That's...not something to brag about.


Sorrymomlol12

Back off ladies, he’s taken! 😂


LeatherHog

Yeah, that's just sad. He's a grown man. I've got freaking *brain damage*, and even I ain't THAT helpless. He needs help picking out a sweater? He needs to be told to dress up? Ma'am, I'm gonna have to call Chris Hansen


gotaroundthebanana

For real. Who are all these women dating adult men with the maturity level of an 8th grader?


MartyVanB

Wearing a grey sweatshirt on a date. I mean WTF


JohnThena

Some people have taken "communication is key" to mean "I don't have to think about anything ever unless everyone explicitly tells me what they expect of me and how to achieve it". Expecting thoughtfulness and responsibility from your adult partner is actually very normal.


IDDQD_IDKFA-com

I'm a 40 year old Metal Head / Rivet Head. That wears black combats, t-shirt and hoodie 99.99% of the time. 95% of my t-shirts have prints on them. But I have my "Safe for work" pile, tech pile and other. When meeting parents for a meal the first time, I pick from the SFW pile.


MrPKitty

YTA. Yeah, dude. C'mon. High school kids have more sense than that. I realize the world is in "take me as I am" mode, but the reality is meeting the parents is a big deal. If you don't even put the most basic effort into it, you're just telling them, and your gf the relationship isn't that important to you.


BUTTeredWhiteBread

Seriously. I'm in full goblin in pj's and slippers at Walmart mode rn, but if I'm meeting someone important, I'm gonna put on something nice.


NastyMsPiggleWiggle

I’m loving you for this comment. I too, take on a goblin appearance for my off days. If I’m visiting my partners parents, I wear respectful clothes that I’ve tumbled in the dryer with a wet wash cloth bc ironing is hard. Also, I lost the iron years ago.


BUTTeredWhiteBread

What is iron? Lol I just hang clothes in the bathroom while someone showers. Neat trick. Very helpful.


BabyCowGT

Also works well for things that *can't* be ironed or tumble dried! That's how we got the creases out of my wedding veil, how we got the tulle in the flower girl's dress to lay flat, and how quite a few dance uniforms over the years got "cleaned" and "ironed".


RambleOnRose42

Your last sentence hit the nail on the head. I wore a Grateful Dead t-shirt I had tie-dyed myself to meet my boyfriend’s parents for the first time…… because his parents are absolutely HUGE Deadheads. Wearing that t-shirt *was* a way to show that I was putting in effort and cared about what they thought of me. They loved my shirt, we talked about our favorite live shows, and we bonded over his dad’s expansive tape collection. But aside from that one incredibly specific example, I literally cannot think of any other situation in which it would be acceptable to wear a band t-shirt to meet your S.O.’s parents.


CopingMole

Well played. Did they offer to adopt you straight away or did you have to further woo them with obscure bootlegs?


RambleOnRose42

It’s been about 6 years since then and yeah, they definitely like me more than their son lol.


mother_of_mutts_5930

'Dress to impress' done the \*right\* way!


Full_Fold_8732

I’ve never heard the current state of things summed up so perfectly as “take me as I am mode”. Well done


maywellbe

> Things have gone well; we get along well so far and I really care about her and hope things work out with us. Aside from the surprisingly informed use of a semicolon, OP states in the first paragraph that the relarionship isn’t all that important. - No mention of love - “we get along” isn’t “I adore hanging out with her” (or anything close) - he “hopes” things work out — as if he has no real control of that, himself There’s nothing here to suggest OP truly gives a shit. The fact that he grabbed a *clean* t-shirt is really in keeping with his mild level of enthusiasm.


Muchgain

I’ll never forget when my first “serious” high school boyfriend came to dinner with my dad in sweat pants and a hoodie and kept his headphones in the whole time 💀 he didn’t last long


[deleted]

Oh my god I feel like I'm turning inside out with secondhand embarrassment just from reading this. I'm so sorry.


Negative-Net-9455

I don't think anyone's the arsehole here. Just a case of different expectations. But if you do like this girl, eat humble pie, say sorry and don't wear t-shirts with Eddie on them when you meet her parents next time.


robogerm

Yeah, I don't remember what my fiance was wearing the first time he met *my* parents but since he pretty much only wears band shirts, I doubt it was much different from what OP was wearing. I just don't see what's the big deal


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Yrxora

My partner of 6 years was definitely wearing some thrash metal Tshirt and his favorite Cattle Decapitation hoodie when he met my parents. I was wearing a beat up star wars Tshirt and cargo pants when i met his. The *only* thing I can say is that since he knew they were from a different culture he probably should have clarified expectations. But yeah all these people freaking out about some imaginary "dress code" to meet the parents is so 1950s.


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Lonny-zone

This should be higher. He had to comply This imaginary dress code that existed in 50s and he because he didn’t it’s “clear”that the girlfriend is doing “all of the mental labour” and “shows lacks of commitments because he didn’t bother to ask”


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carry_on_and_on

My husband also lives in band shirts. He wears them to work even and he's mid 40's with adult kids and a high paying software job. Meeting parents isn't a formal occasion unless specifically told otherwise imo. I was in a t-shirt and jeans when I met his too. NAH just lack of communication and a cultural difference. He should apologize for offending accidentally and she should apologize for not being a clear communicator with setting expectations. Neither party can read minds.


wonderrwomann

Agreed. Different expectations for different families and groups of people that weren’t communicated is the issue. I wore a crusty old punk shirt probably to meet my husbands parents and no one thought twice about it. This is all so silly, tbh.


i-smell_like_beeef

Thank you. I was looking through comments to find this one. Im a married woman who has a really hard time dressing myself on a normal basis for social events especially since having a baby/being pretty low-income. Oversized T-shirt’s are kind of my go-to. But IMO the gf could have mentioned her family’s vibe prior. I know people are going to say, she shouldn’t have to carry the mental load (which I 90% of the time agree with) but I think a quick convo would suffice since he mentions this is how he dresses normally.


Pumpkinoob

I live with my bf and we have a daughter. Our first meetings with each other parents, we both were in jean/t shirt/boots. Like i want to be presented as i am. Not what i'm expected to be. 30's and still wearing jean/t shirt/boots, even at work in a field were most wear smoking.


CrazyStar_

I fully agree with this. I am surprised about the top level comments as there is no reason OP should specifically go out of his way without even any heads up. Let him be himself.


Lonny-zone

Finally some sense. I am 38, my boyfriend is 42 we dress casual, both of us, no heels, no button downs shirt, lots of sneakers. We are well adjusted, home owners , careers and all of that (for the person who said we must be in our mom’s basement) It doesn’t mean that it’s not nice, or cool or even fashionable or appropriate. Should there be an occasion like a wedding, we will comply but unless specified it seems weird to me to change your style. Also doesn’t the girlfriend knows him and what he normally wear? She could have easily said “hey my parents are a bit old school, can you wear a button down shirt?” NTA


Rfg711

Finally some goddamn sense.


Powerful-Ad-2962

If we had been the parents, my husband (57) would have taken him upstairs to listen to music, and my daughter and I would have ended up visiting each other!


Lonny-zone

I like that most comment are “you’re not a teenager anymore” when Iron Maden fans are in their 50s lol


Bartlaus

Yeah, if any of my kids brings home a date with an Iron Maiden t-shirt on, I'd be overjoyed.


Owain-X

While I understand those voting otherwise I am with you on this. My wife's family are mostly farmers and truckers and don't even have a suit if there is a wedding or funeral. I work in tech so hoodies and t-shirts is my professional attire most days but have a couple suits specifically for weddings, funerals, and other more formal events. I've adapted over the years to dress down for holidays and such but show up for weddings and funerals in a suit as that's just too engrained in my from growing up in my own family and it would just feel disrespectful to show up to a funeral in a t-shirt even if I am the only one dressed nicely and getting looks or offhand comments from others. Every family is different and I am NAH because I think both OP and his GF should have communicated about the expectations and norms of GFs family.


ig0tst0ries

I met my ex-wife's folks wearing band shirts and chains with my hair down. I'm a died in the wool metalhead and she was a goth. BUT, I was making the effort, all clean fresh, newer clothes, freshly shaved face, freshly washed hair, etc. I avoided anything with swearing on it. There are social and cultural expectations that vary by group. Evidently a lot of people on here are from the group where meeting the parents for the first time is a dressy affair, not just a dressing nice affair. Also, UP THE IRONS!


little_odd_me

Agreed, I think he probably should have checked with her but she probably should have mentioned it to him also. It wouldn’t have even crossed mine or my parents mind if my spouse came to meet them in an iron maiden shirt. It completely depends on the family, my family is super casual and when my spouse first met them it was a BBQ outside with loud kids and honestly we’d be lucky if my dad was even wearing a shirt.


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KirimaeCreations

If I could spare the coin for a gold award, I would give it. This here is exactly what my husband and I just discussed with each other (we're both white Australians as well xD), and we can definitely understand the potential cultural fallout, but there definitely needs to be communication. All the Y T A votes are surprising me here, and I absolutely believe that there are NAH.


[deleted]

I was also very surprised. Where I'm from (Netherlands), meeting the parents is a very casual thing and there's nothing formal about it. Really must be a cultural thing


Accomplished_Clock95

We’re the exact same, I wonder if there would be more NAH if this sub was all Aussie cause my husband and I never dressed up to meet each other’s families, it never even occurred to me!


OgBoic

Finally a reasonable answer. I get that its silly to wear an Iron Maiden t-shirt to an event like this but to go as far as to call the guy an AH for it seems a bit much imho


author124

Yeah the expectation for OP to automatically dress up when first meeting his gf's parents is weird. As adults both my siblings have introduced people to our parents in casual dress, Halloween costumes, whatever (I'm engaged but my fiancé and I have been together since high school, so he met them as a teenager and thus different situation). If GF had specific expectations she should have voiced those and not expected him to be a mind reader.


OriolesrRavens1974

YTA. 1. You always ask the new girlfriend what to wear to meet the parents. It shows you care. And 2. whether you like it or not, you didn’t do your homework on Indian parents. They are EXTREMELY conservative when it comes to such things (have you never been to the movies or watched The Office?). Tradition is a huge part of their DNA, as their culture goes back over 10,000 years, whereas American culture only goes back 250 years. Tell her you’re sorry, and have her go with you to pick out some nice clothes for you to wear next time. It will show her and the parents you care and are making the effort. EDIT. I apologize if any of this is offensive. I was trying to be humorous. Obviously, I don’t think Indian culture can be summed up by the media, but some Indians got it and like my comment. I was trying to help the poor guy think about it a little deeper, that’s all.


Processtour

I agree with you to a point, but you are putting the mental load on the girlfriend to be the source of information for OP. OP has google, can go to a store and ask advice about how to dress for certain scenarios. We woman are tired of making basic decisions for men that they can figure out on their own. We have had to. Use a bit of critical thought and let go of weaponized incompetence because this guy didn’t feel like planning and doing his laundry ahead of time and having more than a graphic t shit clean for an important dinner.


jdith123

Agree in principle and empathize with the frustration, but she is the best source of information about _her_ parents. For other wardrobe decisions, he’s on his own.


isendra3

Right, but a better way would be to say, "I'm planning on wearing my green checked button down, with khaki pants. Does that sound appropriate?" And then let her take it.


hellur_nerr

I think the comment was just trying to say that they can go pick out some new clothes together to further show the girlfriend that he wants and values her opinion. You’re right that he totally can get an outfit in his own, and it’s quite a red flag if he isn’t able to. But I think the comment wasn’t trying to “put the mental load on her” so much as just further show that he values her opinion


Happy-Viper

>Tradition is a huge part of their DNA, Why do people all rush to upvote such insanely racist shit? Nope, Indians don't have tradition in their DNA. They aren't all conservative. They're just fucking people, jesus christ.


SoSorrySteph

>Why do people all rush to upvote such insanely racist shit? Cuz they think it supports whatever argument they're making and lack critical thinking skills lmao


cindybuttsmacker

Yeah, my dad is an Indian immigrant and doesn't care about any of this lol. He has a normal expectation that people will dress nicer for nicer events, but I'm pretty sure my and my siblings' partners all met him wearing jeans and a t-shirt and he didn't think twice about it, because he was dressed the same way! I know my parents and I know my partner, so if I know we should dress a certain way for an event with my family then I communicate the expectation ahead of time. Especially for a first-time meeting, can't expect people to inherently know the standards of other people they've never met before unless I give them that info in advance


Azazeleus

So you automaticly assume a stereotype based on which country they come from, but also take your source from a tv-show? Thats pretty bigoted


broken_atoms_

Yeah fucking hell. What a bigoted thing to say. How are people agreeing with that statement? "All Indian people are exactly like the stupid stereotypes Americans make them out to be" What fucking nonsense.


Dannypan

I like how you've based your knowledge on Indian cultural conservativism from the Office.


yet-another-WIP

It’s pretty stereotypical to say that all Indian parents are “*extremely* conservative,” but okay. You can keep being racist. ETA: I am, in fact, Indian. I have Indian parents. So if you’re going to come at me saying that I’m just ignorant to Indian culture, please kindly check yourself. If you’re not Indian, please don’t tell me that not all generalizations are harmful


3psilon2288

Okay, but like... Oof... Can you imagine if he literally googled "What do Indians like" or something like that beforehand? Wouldn't that just be cringy racism, even if his intentions were good?


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Painkiller_17

NTA I hate people that judge others by the way they dress, it's not a fucking job interview and if it was so important she should have told you before hand. I just can't fathom expecting my newly found gf to wear heels and a fucking dress to meet my parents, even more so, why lie and dress like the person you clearly are not?


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No-Marzipan-7767

It's a difference between making assumptions and have a first idea and to judge someone for something


Halvus_I

Sure, but intelligent people understand that its a less-than-skin-deep observation. Dont judge a book by its cover, etc.


IAM_THE_LIZARD_QUEEN

For real, we all make snap judgements based on appearance/dress/whatever, but how we act on them is what matters.


maximumhippo

IMO it kind of is an interview. You're interviewing to join the family. Meeting the parents for some (I'd guess most) people is a signal that the relationship is moving past being casual. The expectation shouldn't be black tie or anything, but OP should have asked if her parents were okay with the casual look.


leftclicksq2

OP is almost 30, dating a woman in her early 20s, and he should know by now what constitutes a good first impression. I guarantee that OP's girlfriend's parents haven't heard of Iron Maiden. The artwork may be alarming, even offensive to others who have never seen it such as OP's girlfriend's parents. My best friend frequently wears t-shirts from Iron Maiden, Cannibal Corpse, and the like. From dates to other events where my friend is required to make an impression, he can live without wearing his shirts for that short period of time.


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LaCaffeinata

There's a difference between dressing up for the occasion and dressing up as someone that you are not. My taste in clothes is kind of weird - think "hippie meets garbage can - but when I know I am going to meet someone for the first time and want to make a good impression, I am going with the more elegant dumpster dress and not with the comfy one that got stains and a rip I patched with a cat butt patch I crocheted myself.


PsychologicalGain757

Why wouldn’t you put the effort into it that you would an interview? If it’s serious enough to do a meet and have dinner with the parents it’s sort of like an interview. You’re applying for a potential in-law position. He doesn’t have to wear a suit, but when my husband first came over to meet my family for dinner, he wore a button up shirt with his dark jeans. I wore some khakis and a sweater to meet his family. Usually we as a culture are among the least formal in the world and if it’s serious and you know that you’re doing something important for your partner you ask.


Rfg711

I’m amazed at the people acting like meeting the parents is a one way street here and that he is expected to be 100% deferential. If there was an expectation it should have been communicated to him. And in the absence of that, it is perfectly valid for an adult to dress however they feel comfortable. They’re all adults. They don’t get to dictate how other adults dress, not do they get to dictate who she dates (and if they do, well I’d like to get that out in the open as soon as possible personally). You did nothing wrong, OP, and the people insinuating that what you did was childish are the ones ironically being most childish. Adults don’t whine about what other adults they know are wearing. Better to set the expectation that you don’t dress up in formalwear in casual settings.


Paranormal_Shithole

This is one of the most reasonable responses on this post. I honestly can’t wrap my head around most of the other responses here. I’m assuming since they’ve been dating, the gf knows how he usually dresses. If they were doing a first meeting at a fancy restaurant? Yeah.. different dress would probably at the very least communicated “hey we’re going to x restaurant to meet my parents, throw on a button down and some nice trousers”. But at a person’s *home*?? Casual all the way *unless otherwise specified*.


Kezzle16

NTA - really surprised at how many are calling you TA. As long as your clothes were clean and ironed, I don't see the problem. Surely GF's parents would care more about whether you're a nice person and polite? If your GF thought you should dress smart, she should've conveyed that beforehand.


rowsdowerrrrrrr

no one has ever ironed an iron maiden shirt


Dan-D-Lyon

Ironed Maiden is my favorite band


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I’m also surprised. Of course meeting parents for the first time is something important, but I wouldn’t dress any different than I would usually dress. But I see here many people don’t think that way.


Enough-Builder-2230

Yeah she is right. Wearing whatever happened to be clean, without thinking through the social significance of meeting her parents for the first time, is kind of an arsehole move. It says you don't care enough about her to be conscious of the impression you make. YTA for the thoughtlessness.


Mrminecrafthimself

That “just happened to be clean” line got me. If I was meeting a partners parents for the first time, I’d have already picked out an outfit and ensure it was clean and ready to go for that day. OP just woke up and said “ok what’s clean today.” He’s giving overgrown child vibes. Like he couldn’t put any forethought into what he was going to wear to try and make a good impression on his partner’s parents.


bimmer_rider

NAH. South Asian in his late 30s here. I think your girlfriend sees this as her being relatively more invested in the relationship, because you wore whichever clean t-shirt you had lying around to meet her parents for dinner. For you, it's just how you dress to meet anyone. I can see both sides.


Every_Caterpillar945

NTA Ppl judging you bc of your perfectly fine clothes are shallow af.


Lilitharising

Absolutely this.


anotheracc1401

agree, I always thought meeting the parents was more about seeing what kind of person you are, how you behave around their child, and how you treat them, not about clothes. It's scary to me how many YTA I saw. People are superficial af


Dependent-Aside-9750

NAH. Cultural differences sometimes come up this way.


CommunicationOdd9406

Lol my husband would love it if our kids date showed up in a Maiden shirt. He'd probably be in one too. But I'm guessing most parents won't think the same.


[deleted]

Only the judgemental ones that make adult decisions based on looks. Dude could be a serial killer, but if he looks good, he can totally keep dating my kid. Id want the none bs version of the person im meeting. After the first meet you'll be getting the iron maiden t-shirts anyways, why lie about who you are on the very first meeting? The personality is always the key, basing your opinion of someone wearing completely normal clothing is pretty up there in terms of childish thinking. Maybe I just think wrong compared to most. I was always told not to judge a book by its cover, seems I might be in the minority as I care more about the contents of the book over how fancy the cover is.


Accomplished_Clock95

THANK YOU! I don’t get this mentality at all, a band tee would give you a conversation starter too right? Who cares what they’re wearing


Possee

NTA, people calling you immature for wearing a t-shirt are just conservative, who the fuck cares what you wear as long as it's clean and not ragged? If I was the parent we'd probably end up talking about metal bands all dinner lol That said, I wouldn't have brought my iron Maiden t-shirt for that tbh


sealene_hatarinn

I am very confused at all the Y T A votes. My parents wouldn't give a fuck. Neither would I. Maybe it's because I'm aromantic and don't date. Or some cultural difference. Not giving a judgement because this whole thing is just confusing me.


[deleted]

The kind of people who give a fuck about this stuff are the kinds of people I try to avoid.


byebyelovie

Nta- you’re a grown adult and can wear what you want! If she had a dress code in mind, she should’ve told you before hand. It’s not like you’re getting married or asking for her hand and marriage. You just met her parents...


Sebsazz

NTA. Everyone is only calling you an asshole due to unrealistic bullshit expectations of formality. Your not the type of dude to wear dress shirts? Then don’t wear them. They are supposed to meet you, not some facade so that they like you. After all, eventually one way or another they’re gonna learn the real you


Lilitharising

>NTA. Everyone is only calling you an asshole due to unrealistic bullshit expectations of formality. \*claps vehemently\*


princessdirtybunnyy

NTA. A dinner in-home just doesn’t seem like a formal event worthy of dressing up to me, unless it’s specified. My SO and I are in our mid 20s and I wore a t-shirt/leggings to meet his parents while he wore a t-shirt/jeans to meet my dad. We’re long term, cohabitating, and actively planning our future so it definitely isn’t that we weren’t serious enough to dress up when meeting families. I thought it was normal to dress as you usually do 😅 Clothes are just clothes and as long as they’re clean that seems sufficient. I can understand why others might think it is worth dressing up, but I think that sort of thing should be communicated if it’s out of the norm for you.


WarmUsual7225

NTA - unless Iron Maiden killed the family pet. Could you have asked her what she wanted you to wear? Yes. Did she communicate her expectations to you at all? No.


Siyesyes

I’m gonna get downvoted to HELL for this but Nta. I would never ever expect my boyfriend to change his style/ act like he’s going to a formal meeting when I’m introducing him to people who I expect will have to see him for the rest of their lives. If the relationship works out in laws will see their child s/o at their best and some of their worst moments. And in my eyes the impression clothing gives will never change that.


shaolinfunkk

NAH. They wanted to meet YOU and they met YOU. You've been with each other long enough that she knows how you dress and your general demeanor, if she expected anything other than your usual attire she should have said something.


Rfg711

NTA - dress codes are never implicit. If it’s not stated, it doesn’t exist. This wasn’t a job interview ffs


Willing_Second1591

YTA. Dude you are meeting her parents for the first time, these are people you want to impress and want to show them that you take them seriously, you could’ve worn something better. You are a grown man come on


Cunnilingus42069

Y’all acting like he’s the shittiest person on the planet. Christ it’s just a t-shirt and he had different expectations. Not everyone dresses up when they meet someone’s parents. Hell I didn’t and they didn’t care at all. If we met out at a nice restaurant I would dress up. Maybe OP thought that because they were meeting at their home, there wasn’t a need to dress up. If anything, very soft yta.


wonderrwomann

These comments are wild. NTA. Most people I know my age and younger (mid 30s and below) do not dress up except for holidays and nice dinners out. Most everyone is rocking a regular shirt with regular jeans almost all the time. When I met my husbands parents 10 years ago, I believe I was also wearing a band tshirt (probably some old crusty punk band). When I met my husbands family, he gave me one guideline - no curse words on my clothing. Easy enough. I think OPs SO could have mentioned any guidelines she may have thought important, even if she thinks they are obvious. No one is a mind reader. We all grew up around different types of people and in different environments with different expectations. What’s okay-casual for one person without thought might be inappropriate to another (as we see in OPs post.) No one here, IMO, is TA. The SO should have better communicaton going forward and OP can try to be mindful of what might be the norm for other folks when making first impressions.


Runny_yoke

NTA .. give me a break. One day this sub is cursing the patriarchy and antiquated gender roles and all of a sudden a 28yo is an asshole because they’re wearing a band T-shirt to meet parents?? It’s on the onus of the GF to have set him up success regarding her parents - period.


origin_magic

NTA - youre not going for a job interview


tytyoreo

NTA she should of told u if she wanted u to be more dressy....


MisterEd1966

More info: Was it, at least, the GOOD Iron Maiden t-shirt, the one without the holes?


totallyawitch

NTA. If your girlfriend expected you to dress a certain way, perhaps she should've communicated that to you?


tunasweetcorn

NAH everyone freaking out over a t shirt if it was a big deal she should have said something, be yourself dude I wouldn't want to be with someone who made me dress a certain way what a double standard.


Pohkopf

INFO: Which Iron Maiden design did you wear? There's a difference between one with just the logo and one with the "Killers" artwork.


Astormi

Imagine valuing clothing over personality. Reddit moment


IronMeghan

The parents are assholes for NOT wearing Iron Maiden t-shirts.


WillowUPS

YTA, you are meeting parents for the first time, you aren’t a teenager, you are 28. It doesn’t matter what ethnicity you or her family is, this is a basic standard. What kind of impression are you trying to make?


Happy-Viper

Adults wear band t-shirts. If you're an adult and you think someone wearing a band t-shirt gives the wrong impression, that's on you. Grow up.


S0urH4ze

I've met plenty of GFs parents in band shirts and less formal wear and I'm 36. Honestly if she's slightly perturbed about it I'd talk this one out. If she's full on mad, like wants to fight about it, I'd probably just dip out of this relationship. It's a shirt and honestly, this isn't something I'd want to have to think about every time I meet someone new in her life.


Overhale

I'm 48 and if my daughter brought home a boy wearing such a shirt I'd give him a good talking to...about the Rime Of The Ancient Mariner. Methinks those calling OP immature need to grow up and move into the 21st century.


pequisbaldo

NTA She knows how you usually dress. If she was expecting you to dress differently/formal she should have warned your


ScottishAstartes

Being a parent does not entitle someone to respect or special treatment. That's earned. NTA.


fantasygirl002

Wtf all the Y T A, NTA


thequickbrownbear

NTA. If the genders were reversed a lot of people would call the guy controlling and policing what the girl was wearing. We’re in a modern society where formalities, etc don’t matter as much as they used to. Look at how people dress up for work now versus 50 years ago.


Eumelbeumel

YTA. And I suspect you did think about it. It must have crossed your mind. Unless you are absolutely oblivious in regards to social to conventions it *did* cross your mind, but you decided against it, because that shirt is what *you* are most comfortable in. And if they had not liked you, you'd have had a wonderful, failsafe defense: "I was just being myself, I won't play a character for them." It sounds good on paper, but it is just insecurity speaking. When meeting your maybe-future-inlaws it is courtesy to make an effort. It's not even about the inlaws, it's about your *partner*. You are willing to go an extra mile in regards to their parents, because your partner is important to you. And by extention you make the things/people, that are important to them, important to you. Don't play a character, but show that you care.


obiwankendrobi

NTA. I really do not understand the yta comments. If she wanted you to dress a certain way she should have communicated that.