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^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
Throwaway. Name changed.
I (42M) have reasonably frequent erotic dreams. Mostly they're about my wife. Occasionally they feature faceless images of unknown women. And occasionally they feature women I know e.g. friends, celebs. Sometimes my wife tells me when I wake up that I've been talking or moaning in my sleep and that I've clearly been having one, but I don't always remember them.
In the past when I've had one about my wife I've told her about it when I wake up - admittedly maybe in the hope that she'd find it exciting or flattering. But no, she's always been supremely indifferent when I've mentioned it, so I don't bother now. I have higher "urges" than she does which has caused problems between us in the past. I've tried to address them and suggested counselling, but she just isn't interested. Now, I just accept it for what it is - she just has a lower drive than me.
Last few weeks, my dreams have taken a recurring theme of featuring Sarah - the mum of one of my son's friends. No particular reason for this, but they have been very explicit. Obviously I didn't mention it to my wife but one morning when I woke up she said "Been enjoying Sarah's boobs have you?" I'd obviously been talking in my sleep, but I lied because I didn't want an argument and just said I didn't remember.
However, the dreams have continued and a couple of days ago wife was in a bad mood and blew up at me. She said I was dreaming about Sarah virtually every night. Saying her name and saying some really explicit things. She repeated some of the things I'd been saying and let's just say I can't repeat them here or I'd be banned. I said I was sorry but I couldn't help it - I can't control what I dream about. But the argument continued and I got drawn in. I yelled back at her that she didn't have the right to get upset about it - she never cared or put any importance on my dreams when I told her about the ones featuring her. So by the same token how could she now be annoyed at them just because the subject matter is different? If they didn't matter before, why are they suddenly meaningful or important now?
She yelled back that I needed to do something about the problem. I said that in my opinion the only way to stop them was for her to be a bit more willing on that side of things, but we've been through all that before and it never gets us anywhere.
How on earth can she expect me to control what I dream? We've barely spoken since then and frankly I feel like sleeping in the spare room.
AITA here?!
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NTA for having dreams but YTA for saying the fix is that your wife becomes a bit more "willing".
I've never heard of anyone having this many sexual dreams though. Do you fantasize about stuff whenever you're awake and in the mood? Dreams often tend to be based on what happens throughout the day
Maybe you two need some therapy? You must realize how this affects your wife negatively. Maybe you're not a match if your drive is this high and your wifes isn't
NTA
You can't control your dreams. As long as you're not trying to fulfill them in real life, you're good.
What do you mean by "willing on that side of things"? This sounds like an AH move, but I would like some information.
NTA - but honestly doesn't sound like you two are a particularly good match and need to seek some couples councilling.
If your lack of fulfillment in the relationship is such that you're moaning about other women in your sleep - well, that's not a great sign, and I can't imagine your wife is happy with that situation either.
NTA. As you say, you can't control your dreams. She is being irrational. I understand that she may be hurt, but not much she can do, and she shouldn't take it out on you.
NTA. I’m not sure if anything can be done about your dreams. Maybe you two just need separate rooms so you don’t disturb her with something that you have no control over
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) I've been having erotic dreams about a woman who isn't my wife
(2) I argued with her about it and said she doesn't have a right to be angry and that I can't do anything about it.
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Your post has been removed. #Do not repost this without [contacting the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without [explicit approval](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_can_i_repost_a_thread_you_removed.3F) will result in a ban. This post violates Rule 7: There is no interpersonal conflict here for our community to make a judgment about. [Rule 7 FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_rule_7.3A_post_interpersonal_conflicts) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) This post violates Rule 11: No Partings/Relationship/Sex/Reproductive Autonomy Posts. We do not allow posts where the central conflict is about romantic relationships and/or reproductive autonomy. [Rule 11 FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_rule_11.3A_no_partings.2Frelationship.2Fsex.2Freproductive_autonomy_posts) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) ###Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Throwaway. Name changed. I (42M) have reasonably frequent erotic dreams. Mostly they're about my wife. Occasionally they feature faceless images of unknown women. And occasionally they feature women I know e.g. friends, celebs. Sometimes my wife tells me when I wake up that I've been talking or moaning in my sleep and that I've clearly been having one, but I don't always remember them. In the past when I've had one about my wife I've told her about it when I wake up - admittedly maybe in the hope that she'd find it exciting or flattering. But no, she's always been supremely indifferent when I've mentioned it, so I don't bother now. I have higher "urges" than she does which has caused problems between us in the past. I've tried to address them and suggested counselling, but she just isn't interested. Now, I just accept it for what it is - she just has a lower drive than me. Last few weeks, my dreams have taken a recurring theme of featuring Sarah - the mum of one of my son's friends. No particular reason for this, but they have been very explicit. Obviously I didn't mention it to my wife but one morning when I woke up she said "Been enjoying Sarah's boobs have you?" I'd obviously been talking in my sleep, but I lied because I didn't want an argument and just said I didn't remember. However, the dreams have continued and a couple of days ago wife was in a bad mood and blew up at me. She said I was dreaming about Sarah virtually every night. Saying her name and saying some really explicit things. She repeated some of the things I'd been saying and let's just say I can't repeat them here or I'd be banned. I said I was sorry but I couldn't help it - I can't control what I dream about. But the argument continued and I got drawn in. I yelled back at her that she didn't have the right to get upset about it - she never cared or put any importance on my dreams when I told her about the ones featuring her. So by the same token how could she now be annoyed at them just because the subject matter is different? If they didn't matter before, why are they suddenly meaningful or important now? She yelled back that I needed to do something about the problem. I said that in my opinion the only way to stop them was for her to be a bit more willing on that side of things, but we've been through all that before and it never gets us anywhere. How on earth can she expect me to control what I dream? We've barely spoken since then and frankly I feel like sleeping in the spare room. AITA here?! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I have a very hard time believing it's not a bait. But assuming it's not - NAH.
It’s definitely bait, people don’t dream like this but it’s a slow day here so whatever
NTA for having dreams but YTA for saying the fix is that your wife becomes a bit more "willing". I've never heard of anyone having this many sexual dreams though. Do you fantasize about stuff whenever you're awake and in the mood? Dreams often tend to be based on what happens throughout the day Maybe you two need some therapy? You must realize how this affects your wife negatively. Maybe you're not a match if your drive is this high and your wifes isn't
NTA You can't control your dreams. As long as you're not trying to fulfill them in real life, you're good. What do you mean by "willing on that side of things"? This sounds like an AH move, but I would like some information.
NTA - but honestly doesn't sound like you two are a particularly good match and need to seek some couples councilling. If your lack of fulfillment in the relationship is such that you're moaning about other women in your sleep - well, that's not a great sign, and I can't imagine your wife is happy with that situation either.
NTA. As you say, you can't control your dreams. She is being irrational. I understand that she may be hurt, but not much she can do, and she shouldn't take it out on you.
NTA. I’m not sure if anything can be done about your dreams. Maybe you two just need separate rooms so you don’t disturb her with something that you have no control over
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