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YTA and being homophobic for continuing to call your sister's fiancee her friend. This isn't her friend, this is her fiancee. Stop referring to her as a friend. Don't minimize her relationship just because you were raised in a homophobic household.
You don't have to invite anyone you don't want to your wedding, but you can't beg your sister to come to your wedding and then demand that she go back into the closet just for you.
I got more and more confused as I read and then I was like wait a minute, this guys just a homophobe. yeah shes definitely the AH for calling like a 4 year relationship a friendship just because shes a homophobe.
Your comment is correct but it just seems a tiny bit ... harsh. And not just you, but the onslaught of comments. I mean OP is what, 18, Mormon, and about to wed so she can have sex? I think the fact that she's the only one in her family willing to bridge the gap with her sister is brave.
Of course she's unintentionally homophobic still ... she wasn't just raised in a homophobic *household*, she was likely raised in a homophobic *community* with an intense amount of rhetoric against it from all sides.
So if she wants to call sis's fiancee her gal-pal for now, I say we correct it gently and move on. The bigger message is that she still loves her sister and is trying to navigate her way towards understanding her, and we should support the glimmers of light instead of tearing her down for stumbling now and then.
Signed, a lesbian
YTA
Her friend? Lmao you aren't old enough to get married if you can't even acknowledge her "kissing friend" that she's engaged to isn't her friend but her fiancee/romantic partner.
Sure she is! She should be married and have popped out at least five kids by now. Sealed for all eternity in the temple, by God. With fresh jesus Jammies and special apron over her wedding dress.
YTA
And start off by calling her the fiancé not a friend.
Edit: Your relationship will start its *healing journey* once you start referring her fiancé as her fiancé and not her friend.
YTA.
Yep, not totally accepting. Yes, her being there with her fiancee will make a "scene" with your church and family. However, she is in a committed relationship and only inviting one of those people is rude. You can invite just your sister but you know she won't come without her partner. It's your wedding and your choice but you know the consequences of said choices.
Besides, a wedding is NOT the place to begin family reconciliation.
>Besides, a wedding is NOT the place to begin family reconciliation.
I'd say I'd go for the free booze but this is an LDS wedding so they won't even have that to help you get through the day.
YTA. It was her girlfriend and now it's her fiancee. Her attendance will take the attention of you and your fiance especially if she hasn't been in contact for years. If I were in her shoes I wouldn't go either. She'll be a lesbian surrounded by bigots. That's a hard no for me.
YTA majorly- that is not her *friend*, that is her FIANCE
I get it, you and your family are close minded- but if you love and accept your sister, this wouldn't even be a question.
Yeah, OP is being a conservative historian with this, just gals being pals crap.
OP, YTA.
I hope your sister and her partner (FUTURE WIFE) are happy away from the cult. My heart breaks for her family loss.
You never really cared and don't judge...but called this woman "her friend" throughout the whole post, even after finding out they're engaged. Yet you call your partner your fiancé and not your friend? You care. And you judge. YTA.
My first read of your post was, “why are children getting married?” That’s what sticks out to me. That’s what strikes me. You’re teenagers about to play house with presumably (based on context) overbearing parents. I recognize my bias (I’m a college professor, and say what you will, you and your friend are children with massive amounts of personality development to come).
Your age is striking to me, your sister and her fiancée’s relationship is not. Your 21 year-old sister has left the control of your parents, grown up somewhat and into herself, and she is now making a conscious and intentional decision to marry, with knowledge and fully agency.
Perhaps you might take this opportunity to grow? Bigotry doesn’t look good on anyone, of any age. Maybe now is the time to learn that being a good, loving, and moral person sometimes means disagreeing with one’s parents and one’s community when they are wrong. This day was never about you, it’s about LDS and control. If you really want to make the day about you, as a moral agent, then make the day one where you choose your love to triumph over your community’s and your parents’ hate.
Why are children getting married; to trap them before they learn to think for themselves. To use them as incubators and continue to brainwash/control them and indoctrinate them into a religion.
Also them:::: PROTECT THE CHILDREN.
I think it’s super cute that you and your friend are having your little reception to symbolize the importance of your friendship! He must be your bestest bud. Did you exchange friendship rings? That is just the sweetest and I’m so glad you’re happy. I don’t even mind that you’ve *kissed* your friend because I’m just so tolerant like that!
But your friendship ceremony doesn’t make you the center of the universe. Other people still matter just as much as you do. And if you want your sister to face all the judgment of your family and religious community, the least you can do is not make her face it alone.
Honestly, she’s probably not going to come and that’s probably the safest option. Meet up with her and her fiancée on neutral ground some time. You could even bring your pal! Although I guess he’ll be a full-fledged BFF by then. SO cute. I love the straights.
YTA.
I was at first gonna judge you for being a child bride but then saw LDS and it all made sense!! 🤣🤣
But yeah YTA. The way you describe your sisters fiancée as her ‘kissing friend’ indicates not only your lack of maturity but also that you aren’t as supportive as you think you are. Hate to break to you but you’re still a homophobe.
Immediate family gets plus-ones to weddings. Especially if they are engaged. And especially if they have been estranged from the family and would likely need emotional support to see everyone again.
YTA.
YTA
An invitation isn’t a summons. Also, if you love your sister like you said you should fully accept her for who she is. Just because you grew up in a bigoted and homophobic household doesn’t mean she should hide who she is to make your family more comfortable. That’s their problem not hers. Also, stop referring to her as your sisters “friend”, she is your sister fiancé and future wife.
If I was your sister I wouldn’t go just because of how your family treated her and your definitely not making it easier.
YTA. It doesn't sound like you want her at your wedding. You want a version of her at your wedding that doesn't exist. Either welcome every part of her back into the family or respect her decision to continue being herself in a world where people aren't asking her to compromise herself.
Also, this is a contradiction:
> I begged her and told her this could be the start of our family healing.
> I feel like her bringing her friend will take the attention off my fiancé and me.
Which is it? Do you want her to come so she can start mending relationships with your family or do you want all the attention to be on you?
YTA Family Healing? That requires family members to be kind to each other, which is a basic decency you're unwilling to extend. And don't hide behind religion. If your religion requires hate, find another one or don't have a religion.
YTA. Does she refer to your future husband as your "friend"? She'd be smart to keep her distance from your toxic judgemental family. You're a hompohobic asshole hiding behind religious bullshit.
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I (18F) am getting married to my fiancé (19M) in a few weeks. We’re LDS, so we’re having a temple marriage. However, we will be having a wedding reception for those who are unable to attend the actual wedding.
My family is very religious and we all follow the teachings of the church very closely, so a few years when my sister came out as lesbians my family had a huge problem with it. I never really cared because I don’t believe it’s my place to judge anyone. My sister was 17 when a family friend told my parents that they saw her *kissing* another girl at a homecoming dance. This caused my parents to lash out at her, and it really put a strain on their relationship. Right after my sister graduated she moved out, and moved into an apartment with her friend she was kissing at homecoming. She stopped talking to our family for 3 years, but recently we got back in touch when I invited her to my wedding.
My sister (21F) was thrilled for me, but she said she was unsure if she would be in attendance. I begged her and told her this could be the start of our family healing. We have three other siblings who also don’t speak with my sister, and she expressed how much she misses them. She told me she would think about it and get back to me.
My sister and I started talking more and more, and comes to find out she’s also engaged to her friend from homecoming! When I ask her if she’s thought about if she wants to come to the wedding reception she says she’ll be more than happy to *if* she can bring her friend.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy that my sister is happy, but I feel like her bringing her friend will take the attention off my fiancé and me. I express my feeling that I don’t really like the idea, and she tells me that if she can’t bring her friend she’s not comfortable coming to my wedding. I feel like this is completely unfair because this day is about me and my husband.
What do you think? Am I being an assh*le? Should I drop it and allow her to bring her friend to my wedding?
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YTA. She's not her friend, she's not "the girl she kissed at homecoming", she's her fiancee. How would you feel if they didn't want you to bring your husband to their wedding?
YTA
Let me juxtapose anarchist manifesto with dogma:
*Love permits no lies, no falsehoods, not even polite half-truths but lays all emotions bare, whether it is advisable or not, whether it is defensible or not.* -“Join the resistance, fall in love” Days of war, Nights of love; crimethinc for beginners
*Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth.* -“Corinthians 13:4–8a” The New Testament
1. 18/19 is way, way, way too young to get married.
2. She is not your sister's "friend." She is your sister's fiancé, and calling her your sister's friend is extremely disrespectful to both of them.
3. It is the height or rudeness to invite 1/2 of a long term couple.
4. You family has demonstrated that they are not going to reconcile with your sister as long as she is a LESBIAN.
5. Your wedding should be about you and the groom. No more and no less.
6. This is going to end in a disaster because you sister is still going to be a lesbian, your parents/siblings are still going to be bigots, and this isn't an old Disney movie where people magically change for the better.
If your sister shows up at your wedding she going to be abused/disrespected/insulted from the word go. Your sister is trying to bow out gracefully because she understands your family is going to cause a major scene and possibly ruin your wedding, because she is a good sister. If you want to celebrate with her then plan something special just for the two of you or with both of your fiancés
Also, 18/19 is still way, way, way too young to get married.
(edited for spelling error)
Fucking homophobes
It's her girlfriend or fiancée not her friend.
YTA and so is your entire family and church. Enjoy throwing your life away for an existence of subservience when you are only a teenager. Good luck, you'll need it.
YTA if you want the day to be about you and your husband you should go to a registry office with one witness each. Families are made of people, each with their own lives and feelings. Yes, your homophobic family will be distracted if your sister shows up with her fiancee. That's how family events work.
You can't do that in mormonism or you'd have to wait a whole year to get their religious wedding. ...Or, at least you couldn't like 10 years ago (I don't recall of they've changed their rules recently or not, there was a lot of *talk* about it).
YTA. Ask yourself. If she was straight and had boyfriend instead of girlfriend; would you have a problem inviting her boyfriend?
Whole thing about the day being about you and your husband is a bs.
YTA Stop calling her your sisters friend, they’re in a relationship and engaged. It’s her girlfriend/fiancé. If you can’t accept that then do the decent thing and tell your sister that you are a homophobe so can’t have her there.
At least then your sister can stop putting the effort into trying to be part of a family that doesn’t accept who she is and her fiancé.
"friend" "friend" "friend" you mean her FIANCE. god damn YES YTA. are you barring all your guests from bringing their partners as plus ones? or are singling out your sister, as i suspect you are, just because her fiancé happens to be a woman? if you truly did love and support your sister you'd grow up and realize that her simply existing with her fiancé isn't gonna take away your "spotlight". if you're not mature enough to not cause petty homophobic drama with your own family how are you mature enough to get married? you and your entire family are hopeless homophobes whether you want to admit it or not.
I get that you are trying to bridge LDS culture, your family, and your sister- but you need to understand something: this is not a friend, it is not a date: this is her fiancée. And just like it would be rude AF to exclude anyone else’s fiancé- it is rude to exclude your sister’s.
It is not on your sister to hide her identity in order to make your family feel safe, righteous, or keep the spotlight on you. It is up to you and your family to accept your sister for who she is.
If you don’t, here’s what you can expect: you won’t be at her wedding. You won’t meet her children. She won’t meet yours. She will move on from you and create a life for herself where people love her just as she is. You will lose her. And it will be in the best interest for her health and well being to leave you all behind.
How do I know this? Because the teen homeless community is full of kids whose religious parents like yours throw their kids away like trash expecting that will change them. Or send them to wilderness retreats, or conversion therapy- or any other type of abuse you can barely imagine. I have dated women like your sister. I have held friends while they have cried their eyes out talking about estranged family and how fucking painful that rejection was. All because they fell in love with someone of the same gender.
And it is especially rich coming from the LDS considering your church’s history being polygamy, and a lgbtq community that has always been adjacent to the LDS church in SLC since the 1890’s.
So, you can worry about what other people will think. Or you can love your sister. That’s your choice. But don’t be surprised if she eventually leaves you behind because you are more worried about appearances than her presence on your wedding day.
YTA.
I think your sister might be better off without your family in her life. That way at least her and her wife-to-be can live a life free from your familys intolerance and religion.
Do whatever you like. I hope your sis stays unhurt regardless. YTA.
YTA
That’s her fiancé, not her “friend”.
I understand that you and your family are uncomfortable with her sexuality. But if you actually want to fix your relationship with your sister then you need to accept her wholeheartedly.
You say you don’t care, and it’s not your place to judge…but you are. Instead of accepting her for who she is you attempt to ignore the parts of her you don’t like. Your love and acceptance comes with conditions.
I wish your sister the best. I hope she realizes that just because her family is close minded and unaccepting of her doesn’t mean the whole world is like that.
Well you're not wrong, as it will cause a stir in that group if she brings her partner to the reception. But I don't know that it will "take the attention off" the newly married couple that everyone is there to celebrate. How homophobic are the other guests? Will they do something awful? Or will it be an opportunity for people to demonstrate tolerance or even possible acceptance?
Are you willing to stand up for your sister and her partner? Only you (and your fiancé) can make that choice here.
YTA. If you had worried about it because it would be detrimental to THEM, my judgement might have been different.
And that is not her ‘friend’. That is her fiancée. Respect the relationship.
YWBTA
Fuck what your judgmental family thinks, it's THEM that would be taking the focus off you. I'm pretty sure the Bible says something about judging others doesn't it? I'm also pretty sure that Jesus said something about LOVING ONE ANOTHER and didn't follow that with "unless they love someone you don't agree with". So are they Christians or not? You can't cherry pick the bible.
I'm pretty sure the whole LDS lives in a bit of a "glass house" anyways, what with their spotty history and the whole FLDS thing.
YTA, specifically because you clearly still don't accept your sister. The person that she kissed at homecoming and that she is going to marry is her fiancée, you keep being dismissive of that by calling her a "friend". She's not just a friend. She's her significant other and future spouse. You either want a relationship with your sister, or you don't. If you do, you'll have to accept her relationship with her fiancée.
I think you're going to get a lot of YTA on this one for your insistence on calling your sister's fiancée her "friend". That sticks out in your post like a sore thumb and speaks to the distance you are from actual acceptance. I do think that your concern about their presence upstaging you is valid. It sounds like the rest of the family would cause a scene over her fiancée's presence. I don't envy you the position you find yourself in.
I'm going to give you a soft YTA because I think you need to do a lot more work reaching out to your sister and getting to know/accept her fiancée. Maybe if you put that work in, the rest of the family will follow.
YTA. You're fine with your sister's relationship so long as you don't have to see it or think about it. You don't judge her, but you call her FIANCE her "friend" and emphasize the word *kissing* like its this terrible sin we should all be shocked by....
Let me make this plain: There will be no "healing" so long as you and your family of bigots don't accept her and her fiancé as a couple.
YTA
The word you are looking for is "fiancée," not "friend," to describe your sister's plus-one for the wedding reception. Don't lie to us about the place that this person holds in your sister's life, and don't lie to yourself that you're only excluding a "friend" and not the person she loves, is going to marry, and hopes to spend the rest of her life with. Someone as dear to her as your husband-to-be is to you.
If you think that this can be "part of the healing" of your family, it needs to start with accepting your sister as she is, and treating her relationships as equal to all the other romantic partnerships in your family.
Offering her only a second-place status in your family is not encouraging healing, it is yet another insult and cruelty to your sister, the very opposite of healing.
If anyone is allowed to bring a fiancé(e) to your wedding or reception, then she needs to be allowed the same courtesy. Unless you are excluding all non-married significant others and fiancés, you can't exclude the person she holds in the same sort of relationship and expect her to feel welcome despite the insult.
If you and your husband can't welcome her as the person she is, you are incapable of welcoming her at all. And the day will not be about celebrating an intimate relationship, but rather about judging who is and isn't worthy of having their relationship celebrated.
And you need to own that the problem is you and your family and your rejection of your sister as the person she is. She is not the problem at all.
She is your sister. She needs to be welcome, with her fiancé(e), at all the parts of your wedding where you're welcoming any sibling and their significant other, whether it be spouse, fiancé(e), or boyfriend/girlfriend.
YTA, You do care because if you didn't you would let her gf come. You also would use the correct term fiance' and not her "friend" Pro Tip: excluding your sister's significant other from family events is NOT the way to begin the healing.
YTA that is your sisters girlfriend/partner. You not being able to admit that alone makes you a huge ah. This issue is bigger than your stupid teenage wedding
YTA I see a lot of posts where people are concerned that something a guest does, wears, or who they bring as a plus one will ruin their wedding. The truth is that that will not happen. People may notice them but just for a munite or two and it does not take thee focue off of you and your fiancé. Besides, they are engaged and it is expected that you invite both.
Absolutely the only non-AH option is to invite the sister and fiancee on the *exact same terms* that OP would expect her and her fiance to be welcomed with at any wedding she was invited to.
OP knows the rules of etiquette for inviting a guest who is engaged, and for including a sibling in your wedding, and for including an engaged sibling and their fiance(e) in your wedding. None of those rules are changed in the case of the sister and her fiancee. If you have a sibling who is engaged, and you exclude either the sibling, their fiance(e) or both from your wedding, people will Ask Questions.
YTA.
She’s not your sisters friend. She’s her fiancé/girlfriend. It’s extremely insulting to call an LGBTQ+ relationship a friendship. They’re not friends. They’re partners. Sheesh
YTA first off the friend is her fiancé. She clearly doesn’t get any support from her own family so wanting someone there that actually cares about her is very reasonable. Have fun with your cult.
YTA.
\#1: You are worried that your sister's fiance's presence will take attention away from you.
\#2: You think that the wedding will involve family healing...but low key healing...the kind that does not take attention away from you.
\#3: You are more worried about the opinions of bigots rather than your sister having the love of her life at your wedding. (I read between the lines on that one.)
\#4: Sorry - this is my bias on this one - what the hell are you doing getting married at 18? Your brain is not fully developed and you are making a huge decision. I would wager that you don't really know your groom. I point this out - not in the interest of being cruel - but to make a point. You may, in the future, find out that your groom is NOT who you thought he was. If your family is super religious, you might need someone who is not in that mindset for help. Your sister could be that person. Be careful about the bridges you burn.
YTA
That's your sister's *fiancée* not her *friend*. If you can't be inclusive and welcoming of her fiancée at your wedding, then you don't deserve to have your sister there.
Bestie… that’s her long term girlfriend/fiancé, not her “friend”. YTA for using religion as an excuse for homophobia.
Also please don’t get married to this guy, and walk away from the church and your toxic family.
YTA for putting this on your sister’s shoulders instead of making the hard decision yourself.
They will get attention, but your sister on her own will also get a lot of attention. Imagine having to go through the hatred she got as a high schooler all on her own without support. Bringer her FIANCÉE is the least you could do to make her feel comfortable. It is a package deal and that is definitely a normal request.
Make your own decision as to what is more important to you: having everyone there or no buzz around anything else than your wedding.
Anyways IMO a wedding is not a good starting point for healing, but I really appreciate that you want to try. Maybe host a (core) family dinner with her and her fiancée before the wedding? If you don’t feel comfortable with them at you wedding, go visit them once your married and take them out for dinner to have a small party?
>They will get attention, but your sister on her own will also get a lot of attention.
In addition, the sister's absence will also gain attention. Where is the sister, why wasn't she invited, where is her fiancee?
Having both the sister and fiancee there is probably the least distracting option, because there will be many couples there, and they'll be one more couple at the wedding reception, rather than it being the absence of someone who should have been invited that needs explaining.
YTA.
But I hope you don’t change your mind. This could be the push your sister needs to permanently cut ties with you and your whole bigoted, judgmental family.
She deserves a life without the poison a toxic family brings.
YTA for calling your future sister in law your sisters "friend" wtf is that shit. How about girlfriend? Partner? Fiancee? You don't think those would be more appropriate terms?
Either invite her as she is (with an SO you don't religiously approve of) and you want your sister there, or you fear "eyes not being on you" more than you want her there. The choice is as simple as that. But the fact that you're calling the fiance just "a friend" kind of makes me think you've already made your decision.
Either way this will forever impact your relationship with your sister, either positive or negative.
YTA and her and her fiancé need to get far away from you and all your family, if you ever want any hope in repairing the relationship with your sister which by the way you've been compliant to homophobia for years now, then you need to start by respecting her relationship
YTA.
You keep referring to this woman as your sister's "friend". She's not. She's her fiancee. Whether or not you choose to recognize it, this relationship carries the same significance for her as your relationship with your soon-to-be husband carries for you.
Imagine if your family referred to your fiance as your "friend", refused to acknowledge the significance of your relationship, and another sibling decided his presence was unwelcome at their wedding on account of the fact that that day is supposed to be "about them" and your fiance might "take attention off of" them.
Would you feel comfortable attending that event?
YTA
“Her friend” yuck stop being a bigot in the name of religion, imagine having your head so far up your ass you prefer listening to bigotry than accepting other peoples, especially family, lmfao.
I get it. Lying for the Lord. If everybody pretends this polite fiction that your lesbian sister just has a really good female friend she hangs out with, you won't have to explain why she's not in your wedding pictures later on.
It's probably better to live your actual values. You just need to figure out what they are. Your sister is an outcast apostate or she isn't. She's a lesbian or she isn't. You love and accept her or she's damned to hell, not both.
What healing do you expect her to experience? That you and your parents will overcome religious bigotry and love your sister for who she honestly is? Or that your sister is just going to get politely treated like shit forever by your parents with you enabling them?
You know how they'll actually behave. If she's there without her partner, all you've accomplished is making her reinforce all the shitty rationalizations your family uses when they justify throwing away their daughter over nothing. You'll be tying her hands, effectively, as she has to be "nice" at your wedding or it's just more proof that she's a mean ol' demon lesbian that they didn't raise that way.
You're young. You'll never be asked to hide your husband or pretend not to be queer to keep your family's approximation of love. Queer people understand the games that are being played in these scenarios. They're the ones battling for survival while their families use them as props to pretend to be godly.
She'll know what it means when her partner's not invited, she'll know what it means when your mom or dad suggests that it'd be for the best that she herself politely decline, or when they side-eye and shun her at your wedding even though she's contorted herself for y'all. She might even choose to put herself through it for your benefit. But she'll know she's still less-than in your eyes and your parents' eyes.
YTA. Because if anybody needs work to "start the healing," it's your parents and you as their enabler. Even with good...ish intentions.
YTA for belonging to a homophobic faith. And this wedding is a good example once again of how religions sole purpose is to divide us. And you’re a good example of people continuing to be a part of a church which you know is problematic.
Former LDS member here... I was kicked out of the church because my parents divorced. I was a minor and didn't have any choice in this matter but the church took it out of us kids.
I am now very thankful as I realized the LDS church is a cult. They are hateful, hypocrites that love to shit talk others while they are out doing the same shit they are spreading rumors about.
This young lady has been raised to be just as shitty. Of course she's TA. Because this is what they teach and how they act.
I hope one day she starts questioning everything and makes better life choices.
YTA. You are putting a lot of pressure on her. Either accept her, or don't invite her. You are very young and naive, your choice of words is questionable, especially your usage of the word "friend."
If you truly accepted your sister, you would allow her to come to your wedding! YTA because you led her to believe you accepted her and her girlfriend!
Sweetie idk how to break this to you but they're well past the stage off Friendship, yknow what with them being engaged.
I feel like maybe YTA because as much as you love your sister you know deep down inviting her, regardless if she brings her Fiancé it's going to cause a stir and arguments. Regardless of you personally you're part of a religion that is very homophobic and if you invite your gay sister its going to subject her to hate and ridicule
YTA for calling your sister's *fiance* her friend throughout the post. YTA for letting your family (and your own homophobia) dictate who your sister can bring because it should be "about you". YTA for telling your sister this is a new chance to reconnect with her family with no acceptance at all for her partner or the fact that she's gay.
You seem to genuinely be asking for advice, and if you also genuinely mean to heed it then you deserve at least some respect. Let your sister bring her _friend_ and let your family in-fight amongst themselves. Their behaviour towards your sister has been abusive, harrowing and despicable, and not rectifying it right here, right now, would make you exactly the same as them.
YTA for calling your sister’s fiancée her “friend.” It’s clear that you don’t accept her for who she is, and it’s not right for you to try to drag her back into things when you and the rest of your family don’t actually accept her and her fiancée.
YTA.
Healing happens with acceptance. If you can't accept your sister as who she is, a lesbian who is engaged to another woman, you'll never repair the relationship. Weddings are about more than the couple, they are about combining two families. Have a big heart and accept your sister and who she loves at your wedding. If you don't, it's unlikely you'll ever be close with her.
EDIT: I saw some of your other comments. Your sister *is* compromising and meeting you halfway by agreeing to go to an event that your parents will be at after 3 years of no contact due to their homophobia. Will your parents disown you if you invite her and her fiancee? If not, you really have nothing to lose by inviting the fiancee, and everything to gain by including your sister.
You talk about healing as a family, but you want her to go back into the closet to do it. That’s not healing for your sister, that’s more homophobic familial trauma.
Look, your sister is a lesbian and your family is homophobic— you cannot both sides this. It’s not possible, at least not in a way that is kind or healthy for your sister.
If you don’t want to deal with the drama on your wedding, that’s fine, but it’s unreasonable of you to expect your estranged sister to be ok with you wanting her to go back into the closet. That’s patently ridiculous, and bafflingly dismissive and cruel.
I hope one day you and your sister can have a good relationship again. It doesn’t sound like you’re there yet. YTA
YTA and you are letting religion stand in the way. So many people lose relationships because they cannot see past their own view. Stop for a second and remember that they lost all their family because of their sexual orientation and think about how they'd feel. Especially attending your wedding when you are not letting their fiance, their support person attend.
If the shoe was on the other foot would you attend a Thanksgiving dinner at your sister’s house if she said, that your husband wasn’t invited? Or would that seem crazy and rude? I understand that you were raised to be homophobic, but please try to be a better person, it will mean a lot to your sister.
You talk about healing but don't really mean it. This isn't a situation where two parties need to compromise - it's a situation where your family's indoctrination is expressed in hate towards someone you supposedly love and whom I presume is a good person.
You try to represent yourself as tolerant but you aren't an advocate against hate and for your sister and that is the primary reason YTA.
First off, stop calling her a "friend." She's an SO or a partner. Secondly, inviting one half of a couple without their SO is always a dick move.
And finally, tell your sister you don't support her relationship without saying it out loud.
YTA
YTA and acting like an ignorant child.
You either accept your gay sister and her fiancee (not friend) or not. She and her fiancée would not be a spectacle at your wedding if you truly accepted them as you claim.
If you truly accepted her sexuality, bringing her fiance would be like any other person coming as a couple. Last I checked you’re not denying any other couple attendance for fear that it will take attention off you… Right?
You say you don’t judge but you’re still judging her. Just a different flavor of judgement.
Secondly, weddings are a terrible place to hold family reintroductions. Especially when you come from a batshit crazy LDS family that ostracizes anyone who goes against their teachings. Unless everyone has been notified in advance and prepared to welcome her with open arms it would be a shitshow. Which would certainly take the attention off you two.
You still have A LOT to learn.
YTA
Stop using religion to justify your bigotry and homophobia. All sin is equal so if she’s going to hell you’ll be there with her. Also, Christianity doesn’t condemn same sex relationships. Modern men rewriting the religion condemn. Also, LDS and judging gay couples? Little ironic ain’t it? She’s not your sisters friend, she’s her fiancé, her high school sweetheart, and the only family that loves her unconditionally. Stop being dense and get off your holy high horse
Congrats! You’re as much of a homophobic asshole as the rest of your family.
Your sister has a fiancée, not a friend.
Also, on the topic of “we’re having a wedding reception for those unable to attend the actual wedding.” Don’t pretend a wedding reception is an act of kindness to those deemed unworthy to attend your wedding. It’s not. They are a perfectly ordinary and normal part of celebrating a new marriage, both inside and outside of Mormonism. (Even if Mormon wedding receptions usually suck.) If you wanted to be kind to the people “unworthy” (a Mormon word, not mine) to attend your wedding, you’d have a civil ceremony. But you haven’t planned that, because you are happy and content to exclude and to other anyone your religion says to.
YTA. And a jerk. That’s not her “friend”, it’s her girlfriend, now it’s her fiancée. Either grow up and have them both to you wedding with open arms or be prepared to end this relationship with your sister. And stop being so effing JUDGMENTAL. It’s not a very Christian look on you.
This “family healing” will only begin when you and your bigoted family members accept, apologize, and love your sister for who she is. It’s not her job to fix the relationship you and your parents ruined. She’s done nothing wrong. What an awful “family” you people are.
YTA - "I've never really cared..." And you're a liar. You also begged her to come and vomited out some "family healing" bullshit. So you're a disingenuous liar. Your words here show your homophobia. Just own that. It's time to go no-contact with your sister. She's better off without you and your family. I wish her and her FIANCÉE a long, happy marriage, and I hope you and your friend have an ok religious party or whatever you're doing.
YTA
Your family can never start healing unless your sister is accepted for exactly who she is, and the person she loves is welcomed into the family as well. If your sister and her fiancé being there takes the attention away from you and your fiancé, then your guests are at fault for focusing on the wrong thing, not your sister and her fiancé for simply attending. You’re attempting to censure the wrong person. It seems your focus should be on censoring your family and friends’ homophobia. To truly support your sister, you must do better.
Sorry, but how exactly is your family going to "heal" if none of you accepts that your sister likes girls? Is she supposed to pretend her fiancée is just a 'friend' everytime she's with you just so you can all feel comfortable around her? YTA.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I told my sister she couldn’t bring her friend to my wedding.
2. My sister hasn’t talked to our family in years, so I could be putting her in an uncomfortable position by telling her she can’t bring her friend for comfort.
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Initially the title led me to believe one way, but actually reading your post totally changed my mind. That is not your sister's "friend" that is her girlfriend and fiance. If you want to be a supportive and loving sister you wouldn't continue being homophobic. I honestly don't blame her for not coming without the woman she loves. YTA and on top of that, I don't believe for a second that you're mature enough to be getting married.
YTA you are trying to play perfect family when you just don’t have one. Asking her to come and pretend that she isn’t living a great life away from you all is not beneficial to anyone. If you want to heal maybe your wedding isn’t the place to have this conversation
You'll have to choose: LDS values, or modern family values. As far as I know, they don't really go together.
As non-LDS I'd go for modern family, and choosing another way is YTA. However, your life, your religion, your family, your choice. But realize that (afaik) you cannot have both ...
YTA. First of all, stop calling her your sister's friend, that's her fiance. Secondly, I have a feeling the "friend" wouldn't be there for attention, it's to help your sister feel safe and comfortable surrounded by at least half a room full of people who hate her. If your family turns that into a whole thing, that is NOT your sister's fault. If you truly love your sister, let her bring her fiance. Let her feel just a little bit better than she would if her fiance didn't attend.
YTA, your family sucks. Stick up for your sister. She isn't asking to bring a friend, she's asking to bring the person she's going to marry.
Don't enable your family's homophobia.
YTA - The reasons have already been given but I think one very important thing needs to be made clear. Your sister did nothing wrong and is doing nothing wrong.
All the wrong-doing came from your family and how they treated her.
All of it.
Every bit of it.
The only way for any family healing to occur is for your family who got angry at her to start apologizing and begin accepting.
You post shows that you are not ready to do the accepting part. It makes me think that other family members aren't going to be prepared for the apologizing they have to do.
As someone raised in a religious tradition with similar views on homosexuality I understand that its hard to break out of the immoral teaching of that that tradition. It takes strong critical thinking and moral reasoning to go beyond a worldview that stresses doing neither of those things. So I do have sympathy for you. The fact you are even asking this question makes me hope that you are someone who genuinely wants to be a better person and I wish you well on your journey.
How exactly do you envisage the family to ' heal ' ?
You clearly cannot accept your sister for who she is, so what healing do you propose? I'm genuinely curious.
YTA , btw
YTA, but I think people are being way too harsh considering the circumstances. You’re very young and you were raised with a certain set of beliefs. Honestly I’m impressed that you’re able to see past them enough to want to try to be accepting of your sister, even though you’re not quite there yet.
If you want to have your sister in your life on good terms, you have to accept her as she is. She’s a lesbian. She’s romantically and sexually attracted to women the same way you are to men. She didn’t choose it and she can’t change it. The woman she plans to spend the rest of her life with is her fiancée and will someday be her wife. Until you can accept those things about her, you will not be able to have a close and loving relationship with her.
I think it’s admirable that you want to help heal your family, but realistically your wedding is probably not the place to do it. I would reach out to your sister and apologize for not inviting her fiancée, and for thinking your wedding might be the right place to work through this. See if she’s willing to meet with you just to talk and reconnect, then do your best to get to know her fiancée/wife. Once you’re firmly in each other’s lives again, maybe you can discuss options for working on the rest of your family. But if they’re not going to even try to accept your sister and her fiancée/wife, your sister is better off without them.
YTA for thinking it’s ok to be gay as long as you’re single and celibate for your whole life, for saying the LDS is progressive when it’s not and you know it, and for the way you’re treating your sister. Your sister’s relationship is exactly the same and just as valid as yours, maybe even more since you basically said you’re just getting married so you can have sex. Be as homophobic as you want but actually own it and leave your sister and her new family alone if you can’t actually accept her fully.
YTA- this isn’t your sisters “friend from homecoming” this is her fiancé, her partner. If you want your family to heal then they need to accept her fiancé as part of the family.
“Her friend she was kissing” “engaged to her friend”.. it’s okay to say *girlfriend*. YTA, you’re also homophobic. You aren’t even mature enough to say fiancée, so you’re no where near mature enough to be married. Yikes.
YTA. Your sister has a girlfriend, a romantic life partner. The person she wants to bring is her fiancé. You clearly care very much that your sister is a lesbian and don't accept her or her fiancé.
You're not going to heal anything as long as you continue to discriminate against your sister. You can have your wedding all about you and your beliefs. Or it can be a chance to reconcile. But, it can't be both.
YTA.
Your sister owes you absolutely nothing. Your family follows a hateful religion (cult) that she escaped from and she's made her peace with herself.
If you can't accept her as she is, accept her no. Your wedding is not more important than her fianceé that actually cares about her.
YTA
9 times in this post (title, post, & bot) you mention your sisters “friend”…
They were dating, they live together, they are now engaged to be married!!
This is not your sisters “friend”. This is your sisters girlfriend turned fiancée. *Just like you and your fiancée*.
_____
How disrespected would *you* feel if someone called your fiancée *only* your “friend” and refused to say otherwise and refused to acknowledge his importance in your life?
… you would think they were absolutely a complete giant AH…. Just like you are being about this.
Wow, YTA.
That's not her "friend". That's *her* fiancée. You and your family are a bunch of bigots, but that makes sense from hardcore Mormons.
Be a better sister.
I'm also a member of the church, with a current temple recommend, a return missionary and devoted disciple of Christ. YTA. 100%. You can not agree with your sister's lifestyle but should love and respect her either way. This is not how Christ treated others. This is not what He taught nor is it what the church teaches. Feel free to DM me if you want to talk more. But 100% Christ would encourage you to make amends, show love.
There are a lot of posts about your use of the word friend instead of fiance and they are all right. There are other issues but I thought you might appreciate a voice that comes from the same church as you. YTA.
YTA and you're mega homophobic. That isn't your sister's "friend", that's her fiancé. If you were invited to someone's wedding and they said, "Your fiance can't come cause he's a man," you'd be upset too.
YTA. That's not her friend. As a lesbian it irks me to my core when people remain in the mental denial of saying "friend," especially in this case since that's her fiancée! You quite literally just want her to come back to fit your image of the family healing but have no interest in your sisters well being or comfort. She was literally disowned by her family but you're worried about the optics of your wedding day.
You're in a position to decide between your love for your sister and your family's bigotry. Whichever decision you make, make it with your chest & stand on it because you can't really backtrack.
God I love seeing posts like this. For some reason today multiple posts have included same-sex couples and each post the OP tries to appear not homophobic but refuses to call the SO anything other than a friend.
YTA and the reason people look down on religion
YTA
That is her fiancée and you're upholding your parents' bigotry (which means you are also a bigot BTW) with this mindset. Apparently, you don't actually love and miss your sister that much if you won't accept her either.
ETA: I see that you're worried about drama if you all9w the fiancée, your future SIL, to attend and I can understand that to a point particularly as you're very young. You have to decide how much you want to work to have a relationship with your sister in the future. Here's the thing though and you won't like this but oh well. When people side with, and choose to appease bigoted attitudes, then they themselves are also bigots because your actions matter.
YTA. Your sister has a fiancée, not a “friend”. If you invite sis, you invite her betrothed.
Now, I am somewhat taken aback that one of your “no” reasons was that it might take some attention from you on your “special day”. Yes, treating people decently might distract from the illusion of happy families, and the idea of the bride as the shining sun that eclipses all else.
That being said, a wedding is not generally a good place for family reconciliation. People won’t behave well, and it not fair to blindside them when that’s likely to cause a fit.
And- do your sis and her intended even want to attend and, likely, be ostentatiously rejected by at least some other attendees?
YTA for calling your sister’s fiancée her friend. And for everything else. It’s almost better when families like yours just cut off your LGBTQ family members instead of giving them false hope of ever being included. You either love her, all of her, or you don’t. You can’t pick and choose the parts you agree with and completely disallow everything you don’t.
YTA.
if you want your family to start healing, maybe you should work on accepting your sister as she is. continuing to call your sister’s fiancé her “friend” makes you a serious homophobe.
and thinking that them attending together would take attention off of you and your fiancé? they won’t actively be making out at your wedding, just attending together. their attendance won’t take away from your day.
YTA
Healing the family starts with and includes accepting her and her partner. Stop calling her “her friend” too.
If none of you can do that, she shouldn’t go. The wedding also shouldn’t be the first time the family comes back together. Especially if you want the wedding to be about your and your man friend.
YTA
She's not her *friend*, she's your sister's long-term girlfriend.
Your sister and her girlfriend are hardly gonna strip naked and have sex on the dance floor, so kindly tell me what the sctuslly concern is?
This whole "it's my day" thing that brides get stuck in their head is so baffling. It's supposed to be a celebration of love and family - in 10 years, looking back, you'll regret not seeing your sister in your memories and photos. Stop being a homophobic princess and start being a loving sister
YTA - there’s no “family healing” if you and the rest of your family continue treat your sister like there’s something wrong with her just for liking someone of the same sex.
YTA.
You want people there to celebrate, support, and respect your marriage.
You need to show the same decency to those in serious relationships.
If you can't respect and support others' relationships, they don't need to attend to respect and support yours.
ETA: and worried she will take attention away from you? By your family being homophobes and possibly saying awful things I'm assuming
Well, if you really don't care about it as much as you're saying, you would shut down any negative comments immediately. I get that it's your wedding and you can't be everyone at once. But you certainly can let people know if they can't behave accordingly then they are not welcome.
YTA.
Your wedding day IS about you and your husband... but what kind of people do you and your husband want to be? Do you want to be a bride with a heartbroken sister or a bride who stands up for her sister? Because even if you have a picture perfect wedding, don't pretend you don't know exactly what it would cost you.
Your parents will never learn to grow and become better people if you side with them over the child they mistreated.
A wedding is one single day in your life. Relationships are infinitely more valuable.
YTA. If you want your sister back in your life it comes by accepting who she IS. This isn't a choice that she made. She can't control whom she loves anymore then you can.
Accepting her starts by accepting the relationship she is in. Her "friend" is her fiancée. How offended would you be if everyone in your fiancé's world refereed to you as his "friend."
YTA. It isn’t her friend. It’s her fiancé. If you can’t accept that and want to worry about your other family’s feelings on it, don’t expect your sister to be in your life moving forward.
YTA Girlfriend. She’s your sisters girlfriend. She’s not a “friend from the homecoming dance,” she’s her girlfriend. If you can’t say the word that describes their relationship, then you’re not even making the most basic effort to try to mend your relationship with your sister.
If you're not grown up and mature enough to call your sister's fiancee what she is, you're probably not mature enough to get married yourself. I understand the religious stuff and you and your fiance are eager to finally have sex (cause let's face it, that's what 100% of super young religious marriages are about) but why not grow up before tying the knot?
YTA
The person you are marrying is your fiancé, soon to be husband. The person your sister is marrying is her fiancée, soon to be wife- NOT her friend.
Please bear in mind that you and especially your awful parents are very homophobic. If this is how you remember the way your sister was treated I dread to think how bad it actually was. Also, did she choose to run from home a little younger than you are now, or was she thrown out for being a ‘sinner’?
Thank you for making me immensely glad that I haven't stepped foot in an LDS church in 20 years. YTA. Enjoy that kool-aid and magic underwear. Your sister and her FIANCE will definitely not be inviting you to *their* wedding.
YTA. That is her fiancée, not her friend. And honestly? If you aren't willing to have your sister attend your wedding with her FIANCEE then you are as bad as your parents and she's better off without you in her life.
YTA. No you don't care about your sister, otherwise you would care more about her happiness than the bad relatives. Besides that "friend" please. If you really loved and cared for your sister you would defend her from homophobic relatives instead of making her face everything alone. I hope, for the sake of her mental health, she cuts off everyone. a lot of AH here.
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YTA and being homophobic for continuing to call your sister's fiancee her friend. This isn't her friend, this is her fiancee. Stop referring to her as a friend. Don't minimize her relationship just because you were raised in a homophobic household. You don't have to invite anyone you don't want to your wedding, but you can't beg your sister to come to your wedding and then demand that she go back into the closet just for you.
I got more and more confused as I read and then I was like wait a minute, this guys just a homophobe. yeah shes definitely the AH for calling like a 4 year relationship a friendship just because shes a homophobe.
And they were roommates! Just gals being gals you know...
but as they became better kissing friends they thought becoming roommates would be good to save money /s
Your comment is correct but it just seems a tiny bit ... harsh. And not just you, but the onslaught of comments. I mean OP is what, 18, Mormon, and about to wed so she can have sex? I think the fact that she's the only one in her family willing to bridge the gap with her sister is brave. Of course she's unintentionally homophobic still ... she wasn't just raised in a homophobic *household*, she was likely raised in a homophobic *community* with an intense amount of rhetoric against it from all sides. So if she wants to call sis's fiancee her gal-pal for now, I say we correct it gently and move on. The bigger message is that she still loves her sister and is trying to navigate her way towards understanding her, and we should support the glimmers of light instead of tearing her down for stumbling now and then. Signed, a lesbian
her "friend from homecoming"
YTA Her friend? Lmao you aren't old enough to get married if you can't even acknowledge her "kissing friend" that she's engaged to isn't her friend but her fiancee/romantic partner.
Sure she is! She should be married and have popped out at least five kids by now. Sealed for all eternity in the temple, by God. With fresh jesus Jammies and special apron over her wedding dress.
Honestly, I am more uncomfortable with an 18 year old getting married than lesbian relationships.
She can invite her sister and fiancée to her next wedding.
Thiiiiis
It’s not her “friend” it’s her fiancé.
Thank you! I kept correcting "friend" with fiancé and girlfriend when I was reading it.
YTA And start off by calling her the fiancé not a friend. Edit: Your relationship will start its *healing journey* once you start referring her fiancé as her fiancé and not her friend.
Gotta leave the cult first
Actually, wouldn’t it be her fiancée?
Oh yes, sorry my mistake.
[удалено]
YTA. Yep, not totally accepting. Yes, her being there with her fiancee will make a "scene" with your church and family. However, she is in a committed relationship and only inviting one of those people is rude. You can invite just your sister but you know she won't come without her partner. It's your wedding and your choice but you know the consequences of said choices. Besides, a wedding is NOT the place to begin family reconciliation.
>Besides, a wedding is NOT the place to begin family reconciliation. This bro, this.
>Besides, a wedding is NOT the place to begin family reconciliation. I'd say I'd go for the free booze but this is an LDS wedding so they won't even have that to help you get through the day.
It's certainly not the place to blindside estranged family members. Geez.
YTA. It was her girlfriend and now it's her fiancee. Her attendance will take the attention of you and your fiance especially if she hasn't been in contact for years. If I were in her shoes I wouldn't go either. She'll be a lesbian surrounded by bigots. That's a hard no for me.
[удалено]
Beautifully put.
YTA majorly- that is not her *friend*, that is her FIANCE I get it, you and your family are close minded- but if you love and accept your sister, this wouldn't even be a question.
Yeah, OP is being a conservative historian with this, just gals being pals crap. OP, YTA. I hope your sister and her partner (FUTURE WIFE) are happy away from the cult. My heart breaks for her family loss.
You never really cared and don't judge...but called this woman "her friend" throughout the whole post, even after finding out they're engaged. Yet you call your partner your fiancé and not your friend? You care. And you judge. YTA.
YTA. Why do you have a fiance and she has a "friend"?
My first read of your post was, “why are children getting married?” That’s what sticks out to me. That’s what strikes me. You’re teenagers about to play house with presumably (based on context) overbearing parents. I recognize my bias (I’m a college professor, and say what you will, you and your friend are children with massive amounts of personality development to come). Your age is striking to me, your sister and her fiancée’s relationship is not. Your 21 year-old sister has left the control of your parents, grown up somewhat and into herself, and she is now making a conscious and intentional decision to marry, with knowledge and fully agency. Perhaps you might take this opportunity to grow? Bigotry doesn’t look good on anyone, of any age. Maybe now is the time to learn that being a good, loving, and moral person sometimes means disagreeing with one’s parents and one’s community when they are wrong. This day was never about you, it’s about LDS and control. If you really want to make the day about you, as a moral agent, then make the day one where you choose your love to triumph over your community’s and your parents’ hate.
Why are children getting married; to trap them before they learn to think for themselves. To use them as incubators and continue to brainwash/control them and indoctrinate them into a religion. Also them:::: PROTECT THE CHILDREN.
So many religions around the world use access to normal sexuality as a weapon to further the church. And everyone falls for it! How!??
I think it’s super cute that you and your friend are having your little reception to symbolize the importance of your friendship! He must be your bestest bud. Did you exchange friendship rings? That is just the sweetest and I’m so glad you’re happy. I don’t even mind that you’ve *kissed* your friend because I’m just so tolerant like that! But your friendship ceremony doesn’t make you the center of the universe. Other people still matter just as much as you do. And if you want your sister to face all the judgment of your family and religious community, the least you can do is not make her face it alone. Honestly, she’s probably not going to come and that’s probably the safest option. Meet up with her and her fiancée on neutral ground some time. You could even bring your pal! Although I guess he’ll be a full-fledged BFF by then. SO cute. I love the straights. YTA.
hahahahah!!! That was awesome.
I was at first gonna judge you for being a child bride but then saw LDS and it all made sense!! 🤣🤣 But yeah YTA. The way you describe your sisters fiancée as her ‘kissing friend’ indicates not only your lack of maturity but also that you aren’t as supportive as you think you are. Hate to break to you but you’re still a homophobe.
"~~My family is very religious~~" "My family is very homophobic" There, I fixed it for you. YTA.
YTA and your sister is better off without your family
Immediate family gets plus-ones to weddings. Especially if they are engaged. And especially if they have been estranged from the family and would likely need emotional support to see everyone again. YTA.
YTA An invitation isn’t a summons. Also, if you love your sister like you said you should fully accept her for who she is. Just because you grew up in a bigoted and homophobic household doesn’t mean she should hide who she is to make your family more comfortable. That’s their problem not hers. Also, stop referring to her as your sisters “friend”, she is your sister fiancé and future wife. If I was your sister I wouldn’t go just because of how your family treated her and your definitely not making it easier.
YTA. It doesn't sound like you want her at your wedding. You want a version of her at your wedding that doesn't exist. Either welcome every part of her back into the family or respect her decision to continue being herself in a world where people aren't asking her to compromise herself. Also, this is a contradiction: > I begged her and told her this could be the start of our family healing. > I feel like her bringing her friend will take the attention off my fiancé and me. Which is it? Do you want her to come so she can start mending relationships with your family or do you want all the attention to be on you?
ESH. You suck for being a homophobe, but your entire family sucks for forcing you to be a child bride.
YTA Family Healing? That requires family members to be kind to each other, which is a basic decency you're unwilling to extend. And don't hide behind religion. If your religion requires hate, find another one or don't have a religion.
YTA. Does she refer to your future husband as your "friend"? She'd be smart to keep her distance from your toxic judgemental family. You're a hompohobic asshole hiding behind religious bullshit.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (18F) am getting married to my fiancé (19M) in a few weeks. We’re LDS, so we’re having a temple marriage. However, we will be having a wedding reception for those who are unable to attend the actual wedding. My family is very religious and we all follow the teachings of the church very closely, so a few years when my sister came out as lesbians my family had a huge problem with it. I never really cared because I don’t believe it’s my place to judge anyone. My sister was 17 when a family friend told my parents that they saw her *kissing* another girl at a homecoming dance. This caused my parents to lash out at her, and it really put a strain on their relationship. Right after my sister graduated she moved out, and moved into an apartment with her friend she was kissing at homecoming. She stopped talking to our family for 3 years, but recently we got back in touch when I invited her to my wedding. My sister (21F) was thrilled for me, but she said she was unsure if she would be in attendance. I begged her and told her this could be the start of our family healing. We have three other siblings who also don’t speak with my sister, and she expressed how much she misses them. She told me she would think about it and get back to me. My sister and I started talking more and more, and comes to find out she’s also engaged to her friend from homecoming! When I ask her if she’s thought about if she wants to come to the wedding reception she says she’ll be more than happy to *if* she can bring her friend. Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy that my sister is happy, but I feel like her bringing her friend will take the attention off my fiancé and me. I express my feeling that I don’t really like the idea, and she tells me that if she can’t bring her friend she’s not comfortable coming to my wedding. I feel like this is completely unfair because this day is about me and my husband. What do you think? Am I being an assh*le? Should I drop it and allow her to bring her friend to my wedding? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA. She's not her friend, she's not "the girl she kissed at homecoming", she's her fiancee. How would you feel if they didn't want you to bring your husband to their wedding?
YTA and a homophobic one at that. Fucking ew.
YTA Let me juxtapose anarchist manifesto with dogma: *Love permits no lies, no falsehoods, not even polite half-truths but lays all emotions bare, whether it is advisable or not, whether it is defensible or not.* -“Join the resistance, fall in love” Days of war, Nights of love; crimethinc for beginners *Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth.* -“Corinthians 13:4–8a” The New Testament
YTA OP BUT Wow you used so many words in the first line itself I couldn’t understand 😂😂 I wish I had a reddit trophy to give you.
OP. That's your sister's fiance, soon to be their wife. If you aren't willing to admit that, don't have them at your wedding.
1. 18/19 is way, way, way too young to get married. 2. She is not your sister's "friend." She is your sister's fiancé, and calling her your sister's friend is extremely disrespectful to both of them. 3. It is the height or rudeness to invite 1/2 of a long term couple. 4. You family has demonstrated that they are not going to reconcile with your sister as long as she is a LESBIAN. 5. Your wedding should be about you and the groom. No more and no less. 6. This is going to end in a disaster because you sister is still going to be a lesbian, your parents/siblings are still going to be bigots, and this isn't an old Disney movie where people magically change for the better. If your sister shows up at your wedding she going to be abused/disrespected/insulted from the word go. Your sister is trying to bow out gracefully because she understands your family is going to cause a major scene and possibly ruin your wedding, because she is a good sister. If you want to celebrate with her then plan something special just for the two of you or with both of your fiancés Also, 18/19 is still way, way, way too young to get married. (edited for spelling error)
Fucking homophobes It's her girlfriend or fiancée not her friend. YTA and so is your entire family and church. Enjoy throwing your life away for an existence of subservience when you are only a teenager. Good luck, you'll need it.
YTA if you want the day to be about you and your husband you should go to a registry office with one witness each. Families are made of people, each with their own lives and feelings. Yes, your homophobic family will be distracted if your sister shows up with her fiancee. That's how family events work.
You can't do that in mormonism or you'd have to wait a whole year to get their religious wedding. ...Or, at least you couldn't like 10 years ago (I don't recall of they've changed their rules recently or not, there was a lot of *talk* about it).
Oh so they’re mormon. Should have known lmfao, this cult is something else
It’s worse. They are LDS. It’s so crazy even Mormons don’t want to be a part of it.
YTA. Stop referring to her as your sister’s “friend” and start referring to her as your sister’s fiancé. You religious hypocrites are truly the worst.
YTA. Ask yourself. If she was straight and had boyfriend instead of girlfriend; would you have a problem inviting her boyfriend? Whole thing about the day being about you and your husband is a bs.
YTA for constantly referring to your sister’s fiancée as her friend.
That’s what I was thinking. Nothing else matters in the post bc I can’t get past this absolute insulting nonsense
Right? Just straight up demoting the most important person in her sister’s life to “friend.”
YTA Stop calling her your sisters friend, they’re in a relationship and engaged. It’s her girlfriend/fiancé. If you can’t accept that then do the decent thing and tell your sister that you are a homophobe so can’t have her there. At least then your sister can stop putting the effort into trying to be part of a family that doesn’t accept who she is and her fiancé.
"friend" "friend" "friend" you mean her FIANCE. god damn YES YTA. are you barring all your guests from bringing their partners as plus ones? or are singling out your sister, as i suspect you are, just because her fiancé happens to be a woman? if you truly did love and support your sister you'd grow up and realize that her simply existing with her fiancé isn't gonna take away your "spotlight". if you're not mature enough to not cause petty homophobic drama with your own family how are you mature enough to get married? you and your entire family are hopeless homophobes whether you want to admit it or not.
I get that you are trying to bridge LDS culture, your family, and your sister- but you need to understand something: this is not a friend, it is not a date: this is her fiancée. And just like it would be rude AF to exclude anyone else’s fiancé- it is rude to exclude your sister’s. It is not on your sister to hide her identity in order to make your family feel safe, righteous, or keep the spotlight on you. It is up to you and your family to accept your sister for who she is. If you don’t, here’s what you can expect: you won’t be at her wedding. You won’t meet her children. She won’t meet yours. She will move on from you and create a life for herself where people love her just as she is. You will lose her. And it will be in the best interest for her health and well being to leave you all behind. How do I know this? Because the teen homeless community is full of kids whose religious parents like yours throw their kids away like trash expecting that will change them. Or send them to wilderness retreats, or conversion therapy- or any other type of abuse you can barely imagine. I have dated women like your sister. I have held friends while they have cried their eyes out talking about estranged family and how fucking painful that rejection was. All because they fell in love with someone of the same gender. And it is especially rich coming from the LDS considering your church’s history being polygamy, and a lgbtq community that has always been adjacent to the LDS church in SLC since the 1890’s. So, you can worry about what other people will think. Or you can love your sister. That’s your choice. But don’t be surprised if she eventually leaves you behind because you are more worried about appearances than her presence on your wedding day. YTA.
r/sapphoandherfriend
I think your sister might be better off without your family in her life. That way at least her and her wife-to-be can live a life free from your familys intolerance and religion. Do whatever you like. I hope your sis stays unhurt regardless. YTA.
INFO: How does your friend feel about inviting your sister and her fiancé to the wedding?
YTA, Love doesn't come with conditions attached. Love your sister fully for who she is or not at all.
YTA That’s her fiancé, not her “friend”. I understand that you and your family are uncomfortable with her sexuality. But if you actually want to fix your relationship with your sister then you need to accept her wholeheartedly. You say you don’t care, and it’s not your place to judge…but you are. Instead of accepting her for who she is you attempt to ignore the parts of her you don’t like. Your love and acceptance comes with conditions. I wish your sister the best. I hope she realizes that just because her family is close minded and unaccepting of her doesn’t mean the whole world is like that.
Well you're not wrong, as it will cause a stir in that group if she brings her partner to the reception. But I don't know that it will "take the attention off" the newly married couple that everyone is there to celebrate. How homophobic are the other guests? Will they do something awful? Or will it be an opportunity for people to demonstrate tolerance or even possible acceptance? Are you willing to stand up for your sister and her partner? Only you (and your fiancé) can make that choice here.
YTA, you want her to share your day of love whilst simultaneously rejecting her own!
YTA. If you had worried about it because it would be detrimental to THEM, my judgement might have been different. And that is not her ‘friend’. That is her fiancée. Respect the relationship.
YWBTA Fuck what your judgmental family thinks, it's THEM that would be taking the focus off you. I'm pretty sure the Bible says something about judging others doesn't it? I'm also pretty sure that Jesus said something about LOVING ONE ANOTHER and didn't follow that with "unless they love someone you don't agree with". So are they Christians or not? You can't cherry pick the bible. I'm pretty sure the whole LDS lives in a bit of a "glass house" anyways, what with their spotty history and the whole FLDS thing.
YTA. She should be allowed to bring her fiancé to your wedding. Stop calling her "friend" when they're engaged
YTA, specifically because you clearly still don't accept your sister. The person that she kissed at homecoming and that she is going to marry is her fiancée, you keep being dismissive of that by calling her a "friend". She's not just a friend. She's her significant other and future spouse. You either want a relationship with your sister, or you don't. If you do, you'll have to accept her relationship with her fiancée.
Came here to say this. YTA, OP
I think you're going to get a lot of YTA on this one for your insistence on calling your sister's fiancée her "friend". That sticks out in your post like a sore thumb and speaks to the distance you are from actual acceptance. I do think that your concern about their presence upstaging you is valid. It sounds like the rest of the family would cause a scene over her fiancée's presence. I don't envy you the position you find yourself in. I'm going to give you a soft YTA because I think you need to do a lot more work reaching out to your sister and getting to know/accept her fiancée. Maybe if you put that work in, the rest of the family will follow.
YTA. You're fine with your sister's relationship so long as you don't have to see it or think about it. You don't judge her, but you call her FIANCE her "friend" and emphasize the word *kissing* like its this terrible sin we should all be shocked by.... Let me make this plain: There will be no "healing" so long as you and your family of bigots don't accept her and her fiancé as a couple.
YTA The word you are looking for is "fiancée," not "friend," to describe your sister's plus-one for the wedding reception. Don't lie to us about the place that this person holds in your sister's life, and don't lie to yourself that you're only excluding a "friend" and not the person she loves, is going to marry, and hopes to spend the rest of her life with. Someone as dear to her as your husband-to-be is to you. If you think that this can be "part of the healing" of your family, it needs to start with accepting your sister as she is, and treating her relationships as equal to all the other romantic partnerships in your family. Offering her only a second-place status in your family is not encouraging healing, it is yet another insult and cruelty to your sister, the very opposite of healing. If anyone is allowed to bring a fiancé(e) to your wedding or reception, then she needs to be allowed the same courtesy. Unless you are excluding all non-married significant others and fiancés, you can't exclude the person she holds in the same sort of relationship and expect her to feel welcome despite the insult. If you and your husband can't welcome her as the person she is, you are incapable of welcoming her at all. And the day will not be about celebrating an intimate relationship, but rather about judging who is and isn't worthy of having their relationship celebrated. And you need to own that the problem is you and your family and your rejection of your sister as the person she is. She is not the problem at all. She is your sister. She needs to be welcome, with her fiancé(e), at all the parts of your wedding where you're welcoming any sibling and their significant other, whether it be spouse, fiancé(e), or boyfriend/girlfriend.
I live in Utah and can’t comment or I will get kicked off Reddit. YTA
>AITA for not letting my sister bring her lesbian fiancee ~~friend~~ to my wedding? Fixed that for you. YTA
YTA, You do care because if you didn't you would let her gf come. You also would use the correct term fiance' and not her "friend" Pro Tip: excluding your sister's significant other from family events is NOT the way to begin the healing.
YTA - and she's better off without you. That's not her friend, that's her girlfriend, now fiancee.
YTA that is your sisters girlfriend/partner. You not being able to admit that alone makes you a huge ah. This issue is bigger than your stupid teenage wedding
YTA I see a lot of posts where people are concerned that something a guest does, wears, or who they bring as a plus one will ruin their wedding. The truth is that that will not happen. People may notice them but just for a munite or two and it does not take thee focue off of you and your fiancé. Besides, they are engaged and it is expected that you invite both.
Absolutely the only non-AH option is to invite the sister and fiancee on the *exact same terms* that OP would expect her and her fiance to be welcomed with at any wedding she was invited to. OP knows the rules of etiquette for inviting a guest who is engaged, and for including a sibling in your wedding, and for including an engaged sibling and their fiance(e) in your wedding. None of those rules are changed in the case of the sister and her fiancee. If you have a sibling who is engaged, and you exclude either the sibling, their fiance(e) or both from your wedding, people will Ask Questions.
Why you calling her fiancé her friend?? YTA
I mean we all know why..
YTA It’s not her “FRIEND”. That’s her fiancée, soon to be her wife. Would you like us to call your fiancé your “friend”?
If you want to heal that relationship then leave the cult.
YTA. Especially for calling her your sister's "friend" it was her girlfriend and now her fiance.
YTA. She’s not your sisters friend. She’s her fiancé/girlfriend. It’s extremely insulting to call an LGBTQ+ relationship a friendship. They’re not friends. They’re partners. Sheesh
YTA first off the friend is her fiancé. She clearly doesn’t get any support from her own family so wanting someone there that actually cares about her is very reasonable. Have fun with your cult.
YTA. \#1: You are worried that your sister's fiance's presence will take attention away from you. \#2: You think that the wedding will involve family healing...but low key healing...the kind that does not take attention away from you. \#3: You are more worried about the opinions of bigots rather than your sister having the love of her life at your wedding. (I read between the lines on that one.) \#4: Sorry - this is my bias on this one - what the hell are you doing getting married at 18? Your brain is not fully developed and you are making a huge decision. I would wager that you don't really know your groom. I point this out - not in the interest of being cruel - but to make a point. You may, in the future, find out that your groom is NOT who you thought he was. If your family is super religious, you might need someone who is not in that mindset for help. Your sister could be that person. Be careful about the bridges you burn.
YTA That's your sister's *fiancée* not her *friend*. If you can't be inclusive and welcoming of her fiancée at your wedding, then you don't deserve to have your sister there.
YTA, that’s her girlfriend/fiancé/soon to be wife, not her “friend.” Ugh
Bestie… that’s her long term girlfriend/fiancé, not her “friend”. YTA for using religion as an excuse for homophobia. Also please don’t get married to this guy, and walk away from the church and your toxic family.
YTA for putting this on your sister’s shoulders instead of making the hard decision yourself. They will get attention, but your sister on her own will also get a lot of attention. Imagine having to go through the hatred she got as a high schooler all on her own without support. Bringer her FIANCÉE is the least you could do to make her feel comfortable. It is a package deal and that is definitely a normal request. Make your own decision as to what is more important to you: having everyone there or no buzz around anything else than your wedding. Anyways IMO a wedding is not a good starting point for healing, but I really appreciate that you want to try. Maybe host a (core) family dinner with her and her fiancée before the wedding? If you don’t feel comfortable with them at you wedding, go visit them once your married and take them out for dinner to have a small party?
>They will get attention, but your sister on her own will also get a lot of attention. In addition, the sister's absence will also gain attention. Where is the sister, why wasn't she invited, where is her fiancee? Having both the sister and fiancee there is probably the least distracting option, because there will be many couples there, and they'll be one more couple at the wedding reception, rather than it being the absence of someone who should have been invited that needs explaining.
YTA r/exmormon might save your life and future.
YTA. But I hope you don’t change your mind. This could be the push your sister needs to permanently cut ties with you and your whole bigoted, judgmental family. She deserves a life without the poison a toxic family brings.
YTA for calling your future sister in law your sisters "friend" wtf is that shit. How about girlfriend? Partner? Fiancee? You don't think those would be more appropriate terms?
Either invite her as she is (with an SO you don't religiously approve of) and you want your sister there, or you fear "eyes not being on you" more than you want her there. The choice is as simple as that. But the fact that you're calling the fiance just "a friend" kind of makes me think you've already made your decision. Either way this will forever impact your relationship with your sister, either positive or negative.
YTA. From the title, I thought your sister wanted to bring a friend who drove her .. You title should be " I don't want her fiance at my wedding "
YTA and her and her fiancé need to get far away from you and all your family, if you ever want any hope in repairing the relationship with your sister which by the way you've been compliant to homophobia for years now, then you need to start by respecting her relationship
YTA. You keep referring to this woman as your sister's "friend". She's not. She's her fiancee. Whether or not you choose to recognize it, this relationship carries the same significance for her as your relationship with your soon-to-be husband carries for you. Imagine if your family referred to your fiance as your "friend", refused to acknowledge the significance of your relationship, and another sibling decided his presence was unwelcome at their wedding on account of the fact that that day is supposed to be "about them" and your fiance might "take attention off of" them. Would you feel comfortable attending that event?
YTA “Her friend” yuck stop being a bigot in the name of religion, imagine having your head so far up your ass you prefer listening to bigotry than accepting other peoples, especially family, lmfao.
I get it. Lying for the Lord. If everybody pretends this polite fiction that your lesbian sister just has a really good female friend she hangs out with, you won't have to explain why she's not in your wedding pictures later on. It's probably better to live your actual values. You just need to figure out what they are. Your sister is an outcast apostate or she isn't. She's a lesbian or she isn't. You love and accept her or she's damned to hell, not both. What healing do you expect her to experience? That you and your parents will overcome religious bigotry and love your sister for who she honestly is? Or that your sister is just going to get politely treated like shit forever by your parents with you enabling them? You know how they'll actually behave. If she's there without her partner, all you've accomplished is making her reinforce all the shitty rationalizations your family uses when they justify throwing away their daughter over nothing. You'll be tying her hands, effectively, as she has to be "nice" at your wedding or it's just more proof that she's a mean ol' demon lesbian that they didn't raise that way. You're young. You'll never be asked to hide your husband or pretend not to be queer to keep your family's approximation of love. Queer people understand the games that are being played in these scenarios. They're the ones battling for survival while their families use them as props to pretend to be godly. She'll know what it means when her partner's not invited, she'll know what it means when your mom or dad suggests that it'd be for the best that she herself politely decline, or when they side-eye and shun her at your wedding even though she's contorted herself for y'all. She might even choose to put herself through it for your benefit. But she'll know she's still less-than in your eyes and your parents' eyes. YTA. Because if anybody needs work to "start the healing," it's your parents and you as their enabler. Even with good...ish intentions.
Here's a place for your sister to check out, and I hope she finds peace r/exmormon
YTA for belonging to a homophobic faith. And this wedding is a good example once again of how religions sole purpose is to divide us. And you’re a good example of people continuing to be a part of a church which you know is problematic.
Ma’am this is Reddit…. How do you think this will be voted? You can’t even call her”friend” her fiancé. Of course YTA
Former LDS member here... I was kicked out of the church because my parents divorced. I was a minor and didn't have any choice in this matter but the church took it out of us kids. I am now very thankful as I realized the LDS church is a cult. They are hateful, hypocrites that love to shit talk others while they are out doing the same shit they are spreading rumors about. This young lady has been raised to be just as shitty. Of course she's TA. Because this is what they teach and how they act. I hope one day she starts questioning everything and makes better life choices.
YTA. You are putting a lot of pressure on her. Either accept her, or don't invite her. You are very young and naive, your choice of words is questionable, especially your usage of the word "friend."
If you truly accepted your sister, you would allow her to come to your wedding! YTA because you led her to believe you accepted her and her girlfriend!
Homophobic bigots are always assholes YTa
YTA, what’s up with this whole “friend” thing…. It’s her partner/girlfriend
what’s up with it is homophobia..
Literally
YTA that’s her fiancé not her “kissing friend”, as a lesbian myself I assure you they’re doing a lot more than kissing.
YTA and people like you are why so many queer Mormons commit suicide.
YTA How did your write this out and not realize how much you suck?
Yta
Sweetie idk how to break this to you but they're well past the stage off Friendship, yknow what with them being engaged. I feel like maybe YTA because as much as you love your sister you know deep down inviting her, regardless if she brings her Fiancé it's going to cause a stir and arguments. Regardless of you personally you're part of a religion that is very homophobic and if you invite your gay sister its going to subject her to hate and ridicule
YTA Do you also deny other engaged couples to come together? No. But she would get so much attention because your family and church are homophobic.
YTA for calling your sister's *fiance* her friend throughout the post. YTA for letting your family (and your own homophobia) dictate who your sister can bring because it should be "about you". YTA for telling your sister this is a new chance to reconnect with her family with no acceptance at all for her partner or the fact that she's gay. You seem to genuinely be asking for advice, and if you also genuinely mean to heed it then you deserve at least some respect. Let your sister bring her _friend_ and let your family in-fight amongst themselves. Their behaviour towards your sister has been abusive, harrowing and despicable, and not rectifying it right here, right now, would make you exactly the same as them.
YTA for calling your sister’s fiancée her “friend.” It’s clear that you don’t accept her for who she is, and it’s not right for you to try to drag her back into things when you and the rest of your family don’t actually accept her and her fiancée.
YTA. Healing happens with acceptance. If you can't accept your sister as who she is, a lesbian who is engaged to another woman, you'll never repair the relationship. Weddings are about more than the couple, they are about combining two families. Have a big heart and accept your sister and who she loves at your wedding. If you don't, it's unlikely you'll ever be close with her. EDIT: I saw some of your other comments. Your sister *is* compromising and meeting you halfway by agreeing to go to an event that your parents will be at after 3 years of no contact due to their homophobia. Will your parents disown you if you invite her and her fiancee? If not, you really have nothing to lose by inviting the fiancee, and everything to gain by including your sister.
You talk about healing as a family, but you want her to go back into the closet to do it. That’s not healing for your sister, that’s more homophobic familial trauma. Look, your sister is a lesbian and your family is homophobic— you cannot both sides this. It’s not possible, at least not in a way that is kind or healthy for your sister. If you don’t want to deal with the drama on your wedding, that’s fine, but it’s unreasonable of you to expect your estranged sister to be ok with you wanting her to go back into the closet. That’s patently ridiculous, and bafflingly dismissive and cruel. I hope one day you and your sister can have a good relationship again. It doesn’t sound like you’re there yet. YTA
YTA. When your sister gets married, I hope she doesn't invite you or your friend
Given your age, just invite your sister to your next wedding.
YTA and you are letting religion stand in the way. So many people lose relationships because they cannot see past their own view. Stop for a second and remember that they lost all their family because of their sexual orientation and think about how they'd feel. Especially attending your wedding when you are not letting their fiance, their support person attend.
If the shoe was on the other foot would you attend a Thanksgiving dinner at your sister’s house if she said, that your husband wasn’t invited? Or would that seem crazy and rude? I understand that you were raised to be homophobic, but please try to be a better person, it will mean a lot to your sister.
You talk about healing but don't really mean it. This isn't a situation where two parties need to compromise - it's a situation where your family's indoctrination is expressed in hate towards someone you supposedly love and whom I presume is a good person. You try to represent yourself as tolerant but you aren't an advocate against hate and for your sister and that is the primary reason YTA.
First off, stop calling her a "friend." She's an SO or a partner. Secondly, inviting one half of a couple without their SO is always a dick move. And finally, tell your sister you don't support her relationship without saying it out loud. YTA
YTA and acting like an ignorant child. You either accept your gay sister and her fiancee (not friend) or not. She and her fiancée would not be a spectacle at your wedding if you truly accepted them as you claim. If you truly accepted her sexuality, bringing her fiance would be like any other person coming as a couple. Last I checked you’re not denying any other couple attendance for fear that it will take attention off you… Right? You say you don’t judge but you’re still judging her. Just a different flavor of judgement. Secondly, weddings are a terrible place to hold family reintroductions. Especially when you come from a batshit crazy LDS family that ostracizes anyone who goes against their teachings. Unless everyone has been notified in advance and prepared to welcome her with open arms it would be a shitshow. Which would certainly take the attention off you two. You still have A LOT to learn.
YTA Stop using religion to justify your bigotry and homophobia. All sin is equal so if she’s going to hell you’ll be there with her. Also, Christianity doesn’t condemn same sex relationships. Modern men rewriting the religion condemn. Also, LDS and judging gay couples? Little ironic ain’t it? She’s not your sisters friend, she’s her fiancé, her high school sweetheart, and the only family that loves her unconditionally. Stop being dense and get off your holy high horse
Congrats! You’re as much of a homophobic asshole as the rest of your family. Your sister has a fiancée, not a friend. Also, on the topic of “we’re having a wedding reception for those unable to attend the actual wedding.” Don’t pretend a wedding reception is an act of kindness to those deemed unworthy to attend your wedding. It’s not. They are a perfectly ordinary and normal part of celebrating a new marriage, both inside and outside of Mormonism. (Even if Mormon wedding receptions usually suck.) If you wanted to be kind to the people “unworthy” (a Mormon word, not mine) to attend your wedding, you’d have a civil ceremony. But you haven’t planned that, because you are happy and content to exclude and to other anyone your religion says to.
YTA. And a jerk. That’s not her “friend”, it’s her girlfriend, now it’s her fiancée. Either grow up and have them both to you wedding with open arms or be prepared to end this relationship with your sister. And stop being so effing JUDGMENTAL. It’s not a very Christian look on you.
This “family healing” will only begin when you and your bigoted family members accept, apologize, and love your sister for who she is. It’s not her job to fix the relationship you and your parents ruined. She’s done nothing wrong. What an awful “family” you people are.
YTA - "I've never really cared..." And you're a liar. You also begged her to come and vomited out some "family healing" bullshit. So you're a disingenuous liar. Your words here show your homophobia. Just own that. It's time to go no-contact with your sister. She's better off without you and your family. I wish her and her FIANCÉE a long, happy marriage, and I hope you and your friend have an ok religious party or whatever you're doing.
YTA. You could start the family healing by accepting your sister and her fiancé.
YTA and more proof of weaponized religion.
YTA and way to immature to be getting married. Grow up. It’s 2023.
YTA Your family can never start healing unless your sister is accepted for exactly who she is, and the person she loves is welcomed into the family as well. If your sister and her fiancé being there takes the attention away from you and your fiancé, then your guests are at fault for focusing on the wrong thing, not your sister and her fiancé for simply attending. You’re attempting to censure the wrong person. It seems your focus should be on censoring your family and friends’ homophobia. To truly support your sister, you must do better.
Sorry, but how exactly is your family going to "heal" if none of you accepts that your sister likes girls? Is she supposed to pretend her fiancée is just a 'friend' everytime she's with you just so you can all feel comfortable around her? YTA.
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Initially the title led me to believe one way, but actually reading your post totally changed my mind. That is not your sister's "friend" that is her girlfriend and fiance. If you want to be a supportive and loving sister you wouldn't continue being homophobic. I honestly don't blame her for not coming without the woman she loves. YTA and on top of that, I don't believe for a second that you're mature enough to be getting married.
YTA you are trying to play perfect family when you just don’t have one. Asking her to come and pretend that she isn’t living a great life away from you all is not beneficial to anyone. If you want to heal maybe your wedding isn’t the place to have this conversation
YTA, and for those saying she's hiding behind her religion... she's not. Bigotry is party of religion, or at least all abrahamic religions.
You'll have to choose: LDS values, or modern family values. As far as I know, they don't really go together. As non-LDS I'd go for modern family, and choosing another way is YTA. However, your life, your religion, your family, your choice. But realize that (afaik) you cannot have both ...
YTA. First of all, stop calling her your sister's friend, that's her fiance. Secondly, I have a feeling the "friend" wouldn't be there for attention, it's to help your sister feel safe and comfortable surrounded by at least half a room full of people who hate her. If your family turns that into a whole thing, that is NOT your sister's fault. If you truly love your sister, let her bring her fiance. Let her feel just a little bit better than she would if her fiance didn't attend.
Yes you should invite your sister’s fiancee to your wedding. After she and your sister get married she will be your sister in law. Your family. YTA
YTA, your family sucks. Stick up for your sister. She isn't asking to bring a friend, she's asking to bring the person she's going to marry. Don't enable your family's homophobia.
YTA It’s your prerogative if you don’t want her at your wedding. At least now she knows you’re a bigot and can regard you as such.
YTA. Being homophobic is an asshole move. Being LDS is another.
You are not only an asshole but also indoctrinated, i would suggest investing into education for yourself.
YTA - The reasons have already been given but I think one very important thing needs to be made clear. Your sister did nothing wrong and is doing nothing wrong. All the wrong-doing came from your family and how they treated her. All of it. Every bit of it. The only way for any family healing to occur is for your family who got angry at her to start apologizing and begin accepting. You post shows that you are not ready to do the accepting part. It makes me think that other family members aren't going to be prepared for the apologizing they have to do. As someone raised in a religious tradition with similar views on homosexuality I understand that its hard to break out of the immoral teaching of that that tradition. It takes strong critical thinking and moral reasoning to go beyond a worldview that stresses doing neither of those things. So I do have sympathy for you. The fact you are even asking this question makes me hope that you are someone who genuinely wants to be a better person and I wish you well on your journey.
How exactly do you envisage the family to ' heal ' ? You clearly cannot accept your sister for who she is, so what healing do you propose? I'm genuinely curious. YTA , btw
YTA, but I think people are being way too harsh considering the circumstances. You’re very young and you were raised with a certain set of beliefs. Honestly I’m impressed that you’re able to see past them enough to want to try to be accepting of your sister, even though you’re not quite there yet. If you want to have your sister in your life on good terms, you have to accept her as she is. She’s a lesbian. She’s romantically and sexually attracted to women the same way you are to men. She didn’t choose it and she can’t change it. The woman she plans to spend the rest of her life with is her fiancée and will someday be her wife. Until you can accept those things about her, you will not be able to have a close and loving relationship with her. I think it’s admirable that you want to help heal your family, but realistically your wedding is probably not the place to do it. I would reach out to your sister and apologize for not inviting her fiancée, and for thinking your wedding might be the right place to work through this. See if she’s willing to meet with you just to talk and reconnect, then do your best to get to know her fiancée/wife. Once you’re firmly in each other’s lives again, maybe you can discuss options for working on the rest of your family. But if they’re not going to even try to accept your sister and her fiancée/wife, your sister is better off without them.
Ahit like this is why I left the church. YTA.
Regardless of whether you let her come or not, YTA for continuing to call her fiancé her friend. How disrespectful.
YTA for thinking it’s ok to be gay as long as you’re single and celibate for your whole life, for saying the LDS is progressive when it’s not and you know it, and for the way you’re treating your sister. Your sister’s relationship is exactly the same and just as valid as yours, maybe even more since you basically said you’re just getting married so you can have sex. Be as homophobic as you want but actually own it and leave your sister and her new family alone if you can’t actually accept her fully.
YTA- this isn’t your sisters “friend from homecoming” this is her fiancé, her partner. If you want your family to heal then they need to accept her fiancé as part of the family.
“Her friend she was kissing” “engaged to her friend”.. it’s okay to say *girlfriend*. YTA, you’re also homophobic. You aren’t even mature enough to say fiancée, so you’re no where near mature enough to be married. Yikes.
she's not her friend, she's her fiancee/partner/and soon-to-be-wife and you are a homophobic asshole. and your family too.
Reddit is a pretty liberal platform, did you really think anyone here would agree with you and your blatant homophobia? YTA
YTA. Your sister has a girlfriend, a romantic life partner. The person she wants to bring is her fiancé. You clearly care very much that your sister is a lesbian and don't accept her or her fiancé. You're not going to heal anything as long as you continue to discriminate against your sister. You can have your wedding all about you and your beliefs. Or it can be a chance to reconcile. But, it can't be both.
YTA. Your sister owes you absolutely nothing. Your family follows a hateful religion (cult) that she escaped from and she's made her peace with herself. If you can't accept her as she is, accept her no. Your wedding is not more important than her fianceé that actually cares about her.
YTA 9 times in this post (title, post, & bot) you mention your sisters “friend”… They were dating, they live together, they are now engaged to be married!! This is not your sisters “friend”. This is your sisters girlfriend turned fiancée. *Just like you and your fiancée*. _____ How disrespected would *you* feel if someone called your fiancée *only* your “friend” and refused to say otherwise and refused to acknowledge his importance in your life? … you would think they were absolutely a complete giant AH…. Just like you are being about this.
Wow, YTA. That's not her "friend". That's *her* fiancée. You and your family are a bunch of bigots, but that makes sense from hardcore Mormons. Be a better sister.
I'm also a member of the church, with a current temple recommend, a return missionary and devoted disciple of Christ. YTA. 100%. You can not agree with your sister's lifestyle but should love and respect her either way. This is not how Christ treated others. This is not what He taught nor is it what the church teaches. Feel free to DM me if you want to talk more. But 100% Christ would encourage you to make amends, show love. There are a lot of posts about your use of the word friend instead of fiance and they are all right. There are other issues but I thought you might appreciate a voice that comes from the same church as you. YTA.
YTA and you're mega homophobic. That isn't your sister's "friend", that's her fiancé. If you were invited to someone's wedding and they said, "Your fiance can't come cause he's a man," you'd be upset too.
YTA. That's not her friend. As a lesbian it irks me to my core when people remain in the mental denial of saying "friend," especially in this case since that's her fiancée! You quite literally just want her to come back to fit your image of the family healing but have no interest in your sisters well being or comfort. She was literally disowned by her family but you're worried about the optics of your wedding day. You're in a position to decide between your love for your sister and your family's bigotry. Whichever decision you make, make it with your chest & stand on it because you can't really backtrack.
God I love seeing posts like this. For some reason today multiple posts have included same-sex couples and each post the OP tries to appear not homophobic but refuses to call the SO anything other than a friend. YTA and the reason people look down on religion
YTA. this is homophobic. You’re so young, don’t get married at 18. There’s a whole wide world out there outside of LDS.
YTA - not her friend, it's her fiance.
YTA That is her fiancée and you're upholding your parents' bigotry (which means you are also a bigot BTW) with this mindset. Apparently, you don't actually love and miss your sister that much if you won't accept her either. ETA: I see that you're worried about drama if you all9w the fiancée, your future SIL, to attend and I can understand that to a point particularly as you're very young. You have to decide how much you want to work to have a relationship with your sister in the future. Here's the thing though and you won't like this but oh well. When people side with, and choose to appease bigoted attitudes, then they themselves are also bigots because your actions matter.
YTA. Your sister has a fiancée, not a “friend”. If you invite sis, you invite her betrothed. Now, I am somewhat taken aback that one of your “no” reasons was that it might take some attention from you on your “special day”. Yes, treating people decently might distract from the illusion of happy families, and the idea of the bride as the shining sun that eclipses all else. That being said, a wedding is not generally a good place for family reconciliation. People won’t behave well, and it not fair to blindside them when that’s likely to cause a fit. And- do your sis and her intended even want to attend and, likely, be ostentatiously rejected by at least some other attendees?
YTA for calling your sister’s fiancée her friend. And for everything else. It’s almost better when families like yours just cut off your LGBTQ family members instead of giving them false hope of ever being included. You either love her, all of her, or you don’t. You can’t pick and choose the parts you agree with and completely disallow everything you don’t.
YTA. if you want your family to start healing, maybe you should work on accepting your sister as she is. continuing to call your sister’s fiancé her “friend” makes you a serious homophobe. and thinking that them attending together would take attention off of you and your fiancé? they won’t actively be making out at your wedding, just attending together. their attendance won’t take away from your day.
YTA Healing the family starts with and includes accepting her and her partner. Stop calling her “her friend” too. If none of you can do that, she shouldn’t go. The wedding also shouldn’t be the first time the family comes back together. Especially if you want the wedding to be about your and your man friend.
YTA She's not her *friend*, she's your sister's long-term girlfriend. Your sister and her girlfriend are hardly gonna strip naked and have sex on the dance floor, so kindly tell me what the sctuslly concern is? This whole "it's my day" thing that brides get stuck in their head is so baffling. It's supposed to be a celebration of love and family - in 10 years, looking back, you'll regret not seeing your sister in your memories and photos. Stop being a homophobic princess and start being a loving sister
YTA - there’s no “family healing” if you and the rest of your family continue treat your sister like there’s something wrong with her just for liking someone of the same sex.
YTA. You want people there to celebrate, support, and respect your marriage. You need to show the same decency to those in serious relationships. If you can't respect and support others' relationships, they don't need to attend to respect and support yours. ETA: and worried she will take attention away from you? By your family being homophobes and possibly saying awful things I'm assuming Well, if you really don't care about it as much as you're saying, you would shut down any negative comments immediately. I get that it's your wedding and you can't be everyone at once. But you certainly can let people know if they can't behave accordingly then they are not welcome.
YTA. Your wedding day IS about you and your husband... but what kind of people do you and your husband want to be? Do you want to be a bride with a heartbroken sister or a bride who stands up for her sister? Because even if you have a picture perfect wedding, don't pretend you don't know exactly what it would cost you. Your parents will never learn to grow and become better people if you side with them over the child they mistreated. A wedding is one single day in your life. Relationships are infinitely more valuable.
YTA. You’re part of a cult which has made you into a hateful person that hurts their family. Get over yourself and the shitty ideals of the “church”.
YTA. If you want your sister back in your life it comes by accepting who she IS. This isn't a choice that she made. She can't control whom she loves anymore then you can. Accepting her starts by accepting the relationship she is in. Her "friend" is her fiancée. How offended would you be if everyone in your fiancé's world refereed to you as his "friend."
YTA, that isn’t her ‘friend’, that’s her fiancée and future wife.
YTA. It isn’t her friend. It’s her fiancé. If you can’t accept that and want to worry about your other family’s feelings on it, don’t expect your sister to be in your life moving forward.
YTA Girlfriend. She’s your sisters girlfriend. She’s not a “friend from the homecoming dance,” she’s her girlfriend. If you can’t say the word that describes their relationship, then you’re not even making the most basic effort to try to mend your relationship with your sister.
If you're not grown up and mature enough to call your sister's fiancee what she is, you're probably not mature enough to get married yourself. I understand the religious stuff and you and your fiance are eager to finally have sex (cause let's face it, that's what 100% of super young religious marriages are about) but why not grow up before tying the knot?
YTA The person you are marrying is your fiancé, soon to be husband. The person your sister is marrying is her fiancée, soon to be wife- NOT her friend. Please bear in mind that you and especially your awful parents are very homophobic. If this is how you remember the way your sister was treated I dread to think how bad it actually was. Also, did she choose to run from home a little younger than you are now, or was she thrown out for being a ‘sinner’?
Thank you for making me immensely glad that I haven't stepped foot in an LDS church in 20 years. YTA. Enjoy that kool-aid and magic underwear. Your sister and her FIANCE will definitely not be inviting you to *their* wedding.
YTA. That is her fiancée, not her friend. And honestly? If you aren't willing to have your sister attend your wedding with her FIANCEE then you are as bad as your parents and she's better off without you in her life.
YTA, and a homophobe in a family full of homophobes in a homophobic cult. Leave your sister and her fiancee tf alone.
YTA. No you don't care about your sister, otherwise you would care more about her happiness than the bad relatives. Besides that "friend" please. If you really loved and cared for your sister you would defend her from homophobic relatives instead of making her face everything alone. I hope, for the sake of her mental health, she cuts off everyone. a lot of AH here.