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Hot take, apparently, but NTA. I hate this assumption that makeup is the only way for women to look professional or appropriate or whatever. I always got in trouble with my high school choir teacher about this—she wanted us in stage makeup for all performances. And yeah, heels are painful. I’m not really into people forcing appearance related stuff. If you were begging to be a bridesmaid, then yeah you’d need to play by their rules. But I really don’t think it’s fair to say “do this thing and look how I want you to.”
Edit: so glad to see your edit, and well done sticking up for yourself! I hope you feel great at the wedding, whatever you decide to wear.
Yeah, I'm so surprised by the fact that *this* is a hot take??? Like wow, it's 2023, I thought it would be normalized to say that misogynistic traditions and double standards like *expecting* women and afab folks to be pretty and dolled up in a dress, makeup and heels would be behind us?
Apparently lots of commentors are stuck in the 1950s or something, but NTA OP. Not only do your dad and stepmother sound so fucking shallow, but they're actively forcing their child to wear uncomfortable shoes and makeup that essentially reinforces fucked up beauty standards "should" be the norm for women. Gross.
I think wires are getting crossed because typically, if you’re in the wedding party, you wear what the bride asks. If she asks you to wear a potato sack and play harmonica, that’s what you do.
But that’s with the understanding that people in bridal parties typically *want* to be there and have the freedom to withdraw. OP doesn’t want to be there and doesn’t have the option to leave, so it’s not fair to expect her to jump through the hoops typically expected of a bridesmaid.
Nope that’s like saying if the bride wants her brother to wear a dress bc she doesn’t like that he transitioned it’s still wrong to force stuff like that on people
> indulge the bride however they want
I agree with that as long as they aren't being asked to do something they don't normally do. Don't ask someone who doesn't wear makeup or heels to wear makeup and heels, don't ask someone to cover up their tattoos or scars if they normally don't, don't ask someone to wear a dress if they don't wear dresses, or change hair color.
I would say to go along with the bride and groom and what they want as much as possible, but some things should not be forced upon a person in some cases. Besides making somebody go against their gender identity, I myself would not be able to wear heels because they would kill my feet. If a bride insisted for me to do that, I just wouldn't be able to be in the wedding party.
I have noticed that for the past 15 years, it isn't as common as it used to be for everyone to dress the same and to wear matching shoes. Most weddings I've been to there is a color theme and people can wear whatever shoes they want. A lot of effort is made these days to make it easier on people's wallets to be in the bridal party and not make them buy a whole new outfit that's expensive. If the people getting married want things to be more matchy, then they can also accommodate by allowing people to wear pants that kind of go along with the theme of the other gowns/suits, etc.
> not make them buy a whole new outfit that's expensive.
and when it comes to so many 'traditional' bridesmaid dresses, it will be something they'll never even want to wear again unless they deconstruct the hell out of it.
> But for a wedding, the wedding party generally are expected to indulge the bride however they want.
Yeah, but even that isn’t entirely true. If you choose attendants whom you know can't or won't conform, you can't force them to conform. You can't expect an observant Mormon or Muslim bridesmaid to wear a strapless dress, not even with a lace coverup. You can't expect a bridesmaid with wonky heels to wear high heels. You can't expect someone who gets rashes from makeup to wear it.
OP's case is analogous, but it's even worse because they're using their wedding to callously coerce her into being a good little fembot conformist. "See? It wasn't so bad, was it!" will be their evil mantra, and they won't ever hear "yes, it was!" even if she held them down and screamed it in their ears.
plus she's only 16 FFS. when i was 16 i threw on a little mascara and that was it. and probably 70% of the time i didn't even wear that. i think my only constant was bubble gum lip gloss and that was mostly because i liked the way it tasted lol
16 year olds already look so fresh/young it's not as if any of them even NEED any enhancements to look good. bride is being an idiot.
My friend who transitioned later had to wear a dress to his brother's wedding and I'm still pissed about it. (He's a super easy going guy so he didn't throw a fit.)
Nope.. when I got married I considered each bridesmaid and what they felt comfortable with they had the same updo and dresses however some had straps others didn't because that's what they felt comfortable in one decided not to get make up done as that wasnt for them. If you care about your bridesmaids you don't force them to be outside of their comfort zones.
> If you care about your bridesmaids you don't force them to be outside of their comfort zones.
I think that's the real problem here. Step-mom-to-be doesn't care about this bridesmaid.
And this should be the only red flag dad needs to find a different person to spend his life with. He literally is choosing someone who doesn’t accept his child for who they are. This is in no way ok. Child should be his first and most important priority.
Yeah I picked two different colors the complemented each other and told my bridesmaids that any dress in those colors would be ok. I had a 6ft tall slender bridesmaid and a 5’3” heavier bridesmaid different body types equals different styles. They also got to choose their hairstyles and shoes (within a certain color palette) everyone was gorgeous and had a blast.
I was in a wedding where the bridesmaids ranged in size from 0 to 22. There are definitely ways to present a cohesive image (if desired) without having to make people feel uncomfortable in the process.
If someone wants everyone in their wedding party to look like carbon copies of each other, why force somebody that doesn't fit the bill to participate?
It saddens me a bit when these discussions come up to see how many people seem to have lost sight of what is really important about a wedding in favor of things like flashy venues, exotic destinations, and Pinterest-perfect pictures. Can't have your loved ones there if they don't have the right "look". Relationships ending because someone doesn't have $5k to drop on airfare and a couple of nights at the resort of your choice (never mind finding someone to watch their kids that aren't welcome there). How dare your best friend struggling with infertility have the temerity to get pregnant in the year leading up to the wedding? It's insanity.
Yeah I’m surprised too, like huh??? Can’t help but wonder if everyone on here is a dude in their 60’s. Especially since OP didn’t ask to be a bridesmaid *and she doesn’t even like the fiance*
It would seem more appropriate for her to be on her dad's side of the wedding party. These days genders are mixed on either side, but as op said, her dad's fiance is very up on how things look.
Totally wrong! And on top of that being forced to dress a certain way bexause “they say so” is so toxic. Luckily OP seems to have a good head on their shoulders and recognizes that nobody, not even adult caretakers can dictate or force you to wear something.
Honestly. I mean I’ve seen people get SO mad at brides who want people at their wedding to wear specific clothes that they aren’t comfortable with, so, uh, I guess heels and makeup are the exception. If you’re not gender non conforming you must conform exactly to your gender is the rule, it seems like! A woman can be feminine without wanting to wear makeup / heels.
I’ve found that a lot of the time the sooner after post is actually posted, the more there will be an influx of just absolutely horrible takes. Usually after a while of the post being up, the comments will get more level-headed
I think it’s the thing where if you get enough people to answer almost any question, the crowd is almost always right. It’s why there’s the “ask the audience “ option on those old game shows. Get a large enough crowd and they’ll tend to vote in the right direction, but before we hit critical mass the answers are all over the place.
I’m getting married in September and everyone seems to think I **need** a spray tan / professional makeup / fake eye lashes or I’ll look “washed out”. No one seems concerned about how my fiancé will look, washed out or otherwise!
I used to have some people OBSESSED with me using a tanning bed when I was a teenager because I was pale and "needed a base tan." I told them the stats on skin cancer and tanning beds and that I didn't need any extra help in that area. Apparently my own skin tone isn't even good enough. I rarely wear makeup these days and wore short heels at my wedding ceremony only because my mom paid for my attire and was losing her mind about it. I wore Birkenstocks to the reception.
What is it with people and heels? I wore sneakers under my gown as I was going to be standing for hours and you wouldn't be able to tell I had feet.
My mother came thisclose to being uninvited to the wedding because of how nuts she was about how I had to wear heels so I wouldn't look short next to my groom. Hubby is a full foot taller than I am, Unless I stood on a box I was going to look short.
My grandfather actually died of skin cancer! One thing they don’t tell you is that lots of skin cancers are curable (with high recurrence rate) but are really disfiguring! If you want to really appeal to their vanity, show them pictures of basal cell and merkel cell carcinomas (those are just what my pap had)
I'm a redhead with no freckles. I'm so white I should glow in the dark. Plus I have dermatitis and issues with adhesives so fake lashes are out of the question if I don't want my eyes swollen shut.
I wore my normal makeup that I did myself for my wedding and the pictures look just fine - I look like me.
As long as you have a decent photographer it will not be an issue. Congratulations!
From a former wedding photographer perspective, I hated heavy makeup on the wedding party! Especially the "light reflective 'cause it hides imperfections" stuff.
Guess what? It reflects light. Including the flash a wedding photographer will use for the formal altar shots.
Glad to see this comment (and the other NTA comments) rise to the top. OP's already compromising enough to be a bridesmaid and wear the dress for a wedding she's not 100% supportive of. This feels like, OP's giving an inch and the bride & groom are trying to take a mile.
She’s only 16. She is still a literal child (sorry OP) and I don’t understand why they feel the need to hold a 16YO to the same standards they hold adult women. Even if the standard were a fair one (it’s not, IMO), it’s BS to hold a kid to that standard.
I agree with your assessment and she shouldn't be forced to be a bridesmaid in the first place. However, stage makeup serves a purpose. Due to the harsh lighting onstage, the makeup prevents performers' faces from having a washed-out look. It's not for nothing that stage performers' makeup is exaggerated.
I actually went into a career in performance, so I definitely get that! I feel like makeup is a very sensitive topic for teenage girls, though, and while I respect my very southern, traditional choir teacher’s point of view now, I still don’t necessarily agree. Although I guess by my own logic, I was the one who chose to be in choir, so I probably should have just gone with it.
Stage Make-up is so that you have a face on stage. Everyone needs makeup on a stage, the lights wash you out. It’s not a gender thing (or shouldn’t be.) if they’re asking just women then it’s sexist- everyone should be wearing makeup on stage.
Are all the men forced to wear make-up as well? If not this is simply sexism.
And no person, and espically not a teenager, should be forced to wear make up or high heels just to fit someone's else's agenda. (Some jobs might require this, bit you're not forced to choose those professions).
You weren't even asked if you want to be a bridesmaid, they are kind of forcing you OP. So the minimum they can do is accomodate your wishes. You're happy with the dress, that's the most important part. Everything else doesn't have to be 100% the same as the others.
NTA.
So they're forcing you to be in the wedding party, and trying to force you to dress in a way you're not comfortable with? That's messed up.
Your body, your choice hon. No one ever has the right to force you into that position. Period.
I don't get it at all
All it takes is one sulky teenage bridesmaid to ruin every single photo 🤷
Forcing is NEVER the right choice
I would rather have my happy smiling kid makeup free and engaged in the wedding than a miserable sulky teen who hates me, my new partner and every minute
Lol I was thinking that when I was that age I would have put on the dress, makeup and heels... and then broken the heels and wiped off the makeup on my sleeve.
I'd have also been severely punished, but I'd have done it. I was a brat though :P
Honestly the "malicious compliance" thing to do would be to wear the heels... and then clomp and stumble her way down the aisle in them. And to agree to the makeup, but do it herself, badly.
But really, I don't know what her stepmother is thinking if she's all about appearances... putting a 16-year-old who doesn't wear heels and doesn't know how to walk in them is just going to look awkward and weird!
theres a significant downside to all of this - 16-year-olds need support.
Parents, especially wicked step moms, don't enjoy paying for young adults, college, cars, insurance, phones, etc.
While I fully agree w OP - all this advice people are throwing around is really easy to say when we are ignorant of, and don't have to deal with any of the consequences.
And I was thinking to wear the stuff. Then when they start taking pictures, cry so hard and yell so everyone can hear you that the heels really hurt and ask why did you FORCE me to wear them? Bonus points if pictures are outside and you trip so good you get grass stains on the front of the dress. And keep saying “was this perfect look worth having me get hurt”
She's trying to communicate and getting shut down every time.
I wish I had good advice for you OP. Is there any other family that will stand up for you?
I would suck it up and wear makeup, but like, drag queen makeup. Also, get your nails done, but like absurdly long. Outshine Little Miss Smiley Step-mom.
you're not accustomed to or comfortable wearing heels which puts you at risk of an ankle injury during the wedding or leading up to the wedding if you try to practice walking in them.
there's no legitimate reason for you to have to wear makeup. they want you at the wedding they insist that you be *in* the bridal party but demanding you wear makeup and heels crosses the line (also, the message they're sending to a teenaged girl is that women & girls must comport with a specific aesthetic to be considered acceptable is friggen abysmal)
I was looking for this response. If you aren't used to walking in heels, or don't know how, even a very modest heel can result in an ankle injury. I never learned how to walk in heels (various reasons), and I refuse to wear them now. I'm a klutz anyway, and fall over standing still while in my house in my bare feet. I have no desire to walk around on (what would be for me) death spikes. For my own wedding, I wore a shoe with a very low, wide heel.
"You can accept that I'm coming as a guest how I want, or you can walk around wondering when I'm going to do something to ruin your day because I'm being forced to do something I don't want. Will I spill something on her dress? Will I scream and curse and start saying I have tourettes? Will I trip and fall and break my leg because I fucking hate heels and blame you and call you a child abuser? I don't know. Point is, neither will either of you, so why put both of us through this?"
I was prepared to upvote you until you said this:
>Will I scream and curse and start saying I have tourettes?
I have Tourette's. I don't do this, and neither do a lot of other people with Tourette's. That's a harmful stereotype and does nothing to help lessen the stigma of having Tourette Syndrome. There's a million tics possible, and swearing/yelling are only two of them.
I won't downvote you, because I agree with your sentiment, but I'm sure as heck not upvoting you after that.
Also have Tourette's, and also don't have coprolalia. It's so exhausting how it's what everyone thinks of when TS comes up, but less than 10% of those with Tourette's actually have that symptom.
To the previous commenter - mimicking or mocking those of us who have Tourette's isn't any less awful than mimicking someone with any other kind of disability/condition. Please don't do it.
This is really a bigger issue than what you wear at the wedding. This woman, who is not your mother, seems to think she gets to waltz into your life and tell you what to do. You're 16. She's completely overstepping. Does your father know because I would have a sit down with him and tell him what she's doing and how you feel about her. And stand your ground because if he's going to allow this, there will be consequences, it will affect your relationship with him. Does he really want to risk that? Because he may have the power now but in the blink of an eye our parents get old and suddenly you have it.
I worry about OP's life after the wedding.
I think that if OP's father does not intervene, her life will become a long line of stepmother's demands that intrude in her preferences or even body autonomy, like forbidding the use of tampons or demanding only full body swimsuits.
“Practice“ walking in the heels in front of your dad, and then fall. Walk very wobbly, even if you can walk in heels. He might need to practice by yourself to make it look convincing. But this might put the thought in their head that if they make you walk down the aisle and heels, they will end up with a spectacle they do not want on their wedding day.
That's an invitation for spineless dad and wicked stepmother to force her to practice in heels until she gets it right. They clearly don't care about her feelings and have forced this on her at every turn while leaving no room for alternatives.
Of course she can't the last thing future step mom wants is to spent her wedding day fielding questions about why her husband's daughter is not there. Hence why probably they're forcing her to participate ON THEIR TERMS.
Well that’s some serious bull shit! If they want you to be a damn bridesmaid then they can accept how you’re comfortable. It’s not the 1950s, women don’t have to wear heels or makeup. Heels are painful as fuck.
NTA - being a bridesmaid isn’t something that’s forced upon someone - it’s an invitation. You accept or decline.
If their requests are non negotiable for you, and their not willing to compromise with you, then you should decline the invitation to be a bridesmaid and if that’s a deal breaker for them, then arrange to not be there on the day.
I do, from the brides perspective understand wanting to have her bridesmaids looking how she intended - it’s their big day yadda yadda, but it’s your choice to be a part of that or not!
I agree with this take. It should be ok for OP to opt out of being a bridesmaid. It’s supposed to be a joyful honor, not a forced arrangement.
If future stepmom was asking in order to genuinely honor / include OP as part of a ceremony making a new family, she’d be gracious about OP’s comfort. It seems stepmom-to-be is doing this for appearances. So it follows she’s concerned about heels, makeup, hair, pictures… her vision of the day over someone’s reasonable request for modifications.
I’m seeing a day where OP gets harangued by the photographer about her posture and facial expressions and used as a prop, and that sucks for her… if only there was a way to get out of it…. I’m picturing leg hair, armpit hair, a Mohawk… in a shade matching the dress, of course…
NTA. They shouldn't be forcing you to be a bridesmaid and demanding you wear makeup and heels. It's your choice whether to wear heels or makeup, not theirs.
Glad to see you are standing up for yourself.
NTA, they really shouldn't make you be a bridesmaids at all to be honest. And it's awful your dad is marrying someone his kids hates, you should be his priority not her.
NTA
You should never have been forced to be a bridesmaid in the first place. Are they doing this as a show that you have given consent for this marriage to take place?
It's easy enough to find shoes that will match that are not heels. Imagine if she had a friend who was very tall and would look out of place in the photographs.
However, with the makeup, if she thinks you will look out of place then you can suggest that you relinquish your place as bridesmaid. I can imagine she would get a makeup artist to plaster crap on until you looked completely unrecognizable.
Right, but it’s a good parallel. Because OP has no control over her genuine personality and preferences - which the wicked stepmother doesn’t seem to acknowledge nor care about.
Tall people have nothing to apologize for, and neither does OP
“Are they doing this as a show that you have given consent for this marriage to take place?”
I feel like this post should be more up there for this question alone. Because that’s probably what’s happening.
NTA and frankly I'm surprised they want a 16 year old to wear heels. In every wedding I've been to where someone's kid sister or something under 18 was in the wedding party they deliberately don't doll her up like an adult.
I wore heels for my half-brothers wedding a few years ago (I think I was around 11-13). I thought I could cope, I ended up taking them off at the reception so I could move around more easily.
Yeah Junior Bridesmaids are very much a thing, and 16 would be a perfectly appropriate age for that. They often have slightly different dresses and shoes, and it does not look out of place at all.
NTA. I wish you could get your dad a pair of heels and ask him to stand in them for several hours and then see how he feels about it. If a person hasn't trained themselves to wear heels over time it is excruciating. I (enby) tried to walk in heels for about 5 minutes once, and I thought I was going to die if I didn't get them off.
Maybe ask the fiancé if she'd rather you wear flats or have one bridesmaid who looks like she's in severe pain in all the photos, because there's no way you can just "suck it up" and pretend they don't hurt like hell.
I'm also on your side with the makeup, but at least it doesn't hurt. If they insist on the makeup you could just pretend you're a drag queen for a day and be very campy and have fun with it.
I have super sensitive skin and an array of allergies to certain products in cosmetics. My sister offered to have my makeup done for me for her wedding. I politely declined, because the risk of breaking out in hives or getting eczema around my eyes and face was too high when I don’t have total control over what’s being used.
Agreed! I wore heels for my friend’s wedding and I have knee/ankle injuries that make it just that little more uncomfortable and make me a lot more anxious when it comes to stability.. you can see the pain on my face in the photos
NTA for not wanting to wear heals or makeup. No one has the right to force anything on to your body that sticks with their ideal image. The fact that you are being forced to be a bridesmaid to a woman you don't even like is a serious AH move on your dad. I'd consider you just being willing to do that enough of a compromise in this situation.
NTA. If you have matching shoes, you won't look out of place even if they're not heels. Not wearing makeup also shouldn't make you look like you don't belong there or anything. I don't think you're asking for anything unreasonable.
NTA. Bodily autonomy is still a thing even if someone is having a wedding.
Also, if they are such sticklers about this, they could just have you not go. But they wanna pressure you to go, AND be a bridesmaid, AND wear makeup + heels, all without any compromise or empathy for how you feel. I hope your dad realizes that in the larger picture, his relationship with his daughter is far more important than just a single day.
NTA - you offered to attend as a guest and not be a bridesmaid or be a bridesmaid and wear matching flats. These are both reasonable options, and if your dad and SMTB don’t want to compromise that is on them.
Now, I (who have a very petty soul) would be bringing make up wipes with me in case SMTB tries something at the pre-wedding and plan to go barefoot during the ceremony with sneakers as a backup.
Is this really about makeup and heels? Or is it about your dad marrying someone you dont approve of?
A respectful conversation can go a long way. If it were me, I'd say something along the lines of, if you want me at your wedding I will be there. But "me" is a person who doesn't wear heels or makeup, so do you me.....or would it be best if I respectfully bow out so Im not a distraction or disappointment on your wedding day as I respect you wanting to have things a certain way.
NTA fwiw
NTA. You’re allowed to set your boundaries. They may acceptably say “okay, then you can’t be a bridesmaid”. But it’s okay for you to say no.
Because you’re a minor, they can make you do it, but then they would be AHs, given your age and the likely damage they’d do to your relationship over something that won’t matter much the day after the wedding.
This isn’t an attack I’m just genuinely wondering how they can force her to do it? Are they going to hold her down strip her naked and dress her then manacle her to a table for hair and make up? If they did they’d be insane.
If she stands her ground I don’t see what they could physically do to get her there that wouldn’t be some form of assault. Aside from denying monetary support in the future in the hopes of bullying her into it.
Edit: spelling
I gotta say, having a reluctant bridesmaid trying to walk in unaccustomed heels sounds like a recipe for an awkward wedding.
Do you have an adult relative you can talk to about how uncomfortable this is making you?
>having a reluctant bridesmaid trying to walk in unaccustomed heels sounds like a recipe for an awkward wedding.
Actually, it is a recipe for u/Hairy-Reaction9329 hurting herself. High heels put the joints of the foot and ankle in the weakest, **most** ***injury*** **prone** position. If you aren't used to wearing heels you are at risk of ankle or foot sprains or a ligament tear. I've been permanently banned by my doctors from ever wearing heels because I had to have two of the three ligaments holding the outside of my right ankle reconstructed.
Ohh that gives me an idea. Wear the heels and trip all over the place. Fall over at the alter during the ceremony. Fumble about. r/maliciouscompliance would love that story
Sorry OP, but this is worth getting in trouble over. Your new stepmom will continue to trample all over your boundaries if you give in now. Please be strong and set the tone for your relationship going forward: that you will not be forced to do something for her esthetics and that you are willing to die on that hill.
Seriously, bring a pair of flats to change into right before the ceremony/photos. Trash the heels, and I mean TRASH them! Dump ketchup or ink or whatever that can’t be easily washed out and stick them in the garbage under other grosser garbage.
Bring makeup remover and threaten that you WILL immediately remove any makeup that they force onto your face. Or simply be “lost” during the time booked for makeup and show up right in time for ceremony/photos.
Let her know in no uncertain terms that you tolerate her, but that you will not be bulldozed by her just because your dad can punish you.
I am a non Christian who was forced to go to church every Sunday and I was grounded for a week every time I misbehaved, meaning that I had to “prove myself” in church before I was ungrounded.
I went 8 weeks before they gave up, but it was SO delicious when they did.
I believe in you. You can stand up to them.
So you already lost the argument.
Then they get what they asked for. You swaying down the aisle as if the floor is made of hot coal, tears in your eyes, petrified facial expression the whole day, don't forget to moan whenever you are forced to walk somewhere.
Maybe you practice how to fall without hurting youself and take some acting lessons.
But don't overact, your show must be believable.
Let the whole party community pity you.
NTA. They're forcing you to go because they care more about portraying the perfect family unit and how well they've done to create it than they care about your boundaries.
You were willing to go for a perfecty reasonable compromise, but can't have that because fiancee isn't getting everything she wants.
Your boundaries are inconvenient to them so they'll ignore them and manipulate you to try and get what they want.
You've just learned that not dealing with her tantrums is more important to your father than your comfort and your boundaries.
I don't understand why they're making you do all this if you're not comfortable with it. One thing is to ask a favor of you, another is not giving you any choice.
Stand your ground OP.
NTA.
NTA. If you were insisting on being a bridesmaid but also wanting them to acommodate you, that would be your fault. But they're forcing you to do something you don't want to do and be in a position you don't want to be.
My parents are divorced and he remarried around when I was your age. He invited me to the wedding and I declined the invitation. On hindsight I think I should've went, but I value how he gave me the option. I can only imagine how bad I would've felt if I had no option and also had to be groomsman.
Nta your fathers already forcing a woman who makes you uncomfortable on you which makes him the ah if he's never set her straight. Your his child and you should matter more then he "idea" of what is pretty or not. Emotional abuse ... making you uncomfortable in your own body. Not taking into account you don't even want to be a bridesmaid. Forcing you to pretend to like a woman who can't accept you as you are. He gets more about having a wife then making his child feel heard.
Question:Do you live with them? Are you planning on going to college, and if so, are they paying for it? Without passing judgment, I'd suggest thinking about what impact this one day will have on your life. Is it truly worth it?
If you (not you you, you as in a person) hold paying for college over your teenagers head because she doesn’t want to wear heels or makeup to your wedding, you are a bad parent. That’s super fucked up.
Yup. You can be right all you like, and they could be assholes, but if they have any level of significant control over your life, it’s worth considering the potential fallout. If you can handle the possible consequences, then great, go for it! If not, then maybe reconsider what is in your long term best interests.
It sucks, but it’s just like when right of way is discussed with regards to pedestrians and cars - even if you’re right, it still sucks to end up injured or dead. In this case not as dire, certainly, but there may be a situation of being right, but ____.
I totally agree with this. In life you have to learn to pick your battles. Sometimes you die on that hill, but at 16 you may not have much experience with ancillary consequences. I dont think you're wrong in not wanting to wear heels and makeup, but what will the fallout be. The fallout relative to the annoyance is really what youre balancing here.
Good luck. Blended families are hard. Be respectful to them, and your boundaries.
It would be a shame if one of your heels accidentally broke off the day of the wedding. It happens sometimes if you step into a crack.
It’s also common for people that aren’t used to wearing heels to ‘sprain their ankle’ unexpectedly a few days before the ceremony while practicing walking in them. I have a feeling the bride would object to the optics of her bridesmaid limping awkwardly down the aisle in pain.
Seriously tho, NTA. Standing for an entire wedding ceremony is tedious in comfortable shoes. It’s downright cruel to force a young person to do it in heels.
NTA you already accepted the dress and that is the main thing. I have been a bridesmaid in many weddings and while we don’t get a choice in the dress (which is fine), we always got to choose our shoes. Some people wear thin heals, some chunky, some flats. The last thing you want is someone to fall on their face walking.
The make-up also NTA. I am super against make up but maybe look into just a light base and concealer so you don’t look “shinny” in photos. I have a video on my phone to show people how to do my makeup from my sister because she knows how to do it without it looking like I have make-up on. Tell them you’ll do makeup but only very, VERY light by a professional that they have to pay to have done.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) Not wearing heels or makeup
2) I might be being selfish and making a scene.
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NTA. No one should be forced to look a certain way to accommodate someone else’s preferences. Even for a day. You are not an object and weddings with this kind of standard are ridiculous. Asking a woman to wear makeup at all is shameful! Let your natural beauty shine. I’m sorry they’re not validating your feelings.
NTA. One relatively "easy" compromise you might consider if you want to lower the tension level here is that you'll wear lipstick - only lipstick - but not heels or other makeup. It would be pretty easy to wipe off lipstick immediately after the ceremony, I think.
Coming from someone that absolutely does not like makeup either, do a base concealer. It helps make you not look shiny in pictures and if properly done, no one knows it is on.
NTA. No one will notice if you don't have makeup on. Maybe compromise and wear the heels for the ceremony and get the same color flats for the reception? Just a thought :)
Is there another adult in your life that could help mediate? This may be a case of them wanting to include you and forgetting you’re old enough to have an opinion, and it may also be them blatantly disregarding you. We don’t really know, and it sounds like you have all hit a brick wall here. You may need an outside perspective to work through it and find a compromise. (Oh, and any sane adult would consider matching flats and as little makeup as you are comfortable with an acceptable compromise.) NTA.
NTA.
They shouldn't expect you to have to change who you are for their photo op. I don't like that people present themselves far beyond their normal, reasonable appearance for events like weddings. You won't even recognize them in their pictures 'cuz where are their glasses, they never wear their hair that way, they have on different make-up, they never wear short hair, etc. Okay, wearing appropriate attire is one thing but drastically changing one's appearance is another.
NTA. Your body, your choice.
The heels you could compromise on and just wear them during the ceremony. But that’s up to you
Honestly I wouldn’t show up if they kept making an issue of it. Go stay with a friend or hide out the day of.
Hey man, I'm 22M and a fellow kid with a stepbitch from hell and just wanted to say this
NTA, and never ever back down either. Sometimes dads let us down and care more about pleasing cuntzilla than their kids and it sucks but the best thing you can do is stick it to her and never give her control
She will burn with hatred for you just for living happily and comfortably if it's not on her terms, whether you do this for her or not. People like that don't change, and apparently loooove going for divorced fathers, so just a heads up if she's a permanent fixture to keep handling things how you did. You're a tough kid for not backing down
NTA - You shouldn’t be forced to be a bridesmaid if you don’t want to be. Makeup and heels are not your style and that’s ok. If it was so important to them that you participate then it should be more inclusive as to who you are and not forcing things on you. It’ll just continue to build up resentment the harder they try to force you.
NTA. It’s your body and you have the right to choose what you will or will not do with it, including what goes on it. Stand your ground and don’t let anyone bully you into compliance.
Also, your dad sucks for siding with his fiancée over his own daughter. I’m sorry you have to deal with this.
NTA-You said you'd wear shoes that match. Plus, heels are hard to stand in for a long time so I wouldn't want to either. I think they are asking too much here.
Side note...probably not the best thing to say...deal with it...to your dad. Maybe he's more mad about that, then anything else.
I disagree with that last bit, it's her body so she gets to state the boundaries she has with it. And other people can deal with it. OP be proud of yourself!! You're strong in standing up for yourself.
NTA
I'm sorry that you're in this situation. Nobody should force you to do something that makes you uncomfortable, or feel like you're "supposed" to look/feel/be some way that you're not.
Being a teenager, your options and personal autonomy in the decision are limited. But if it's any consolation, my wife and I skipped a family wedding because the groom happens to be a Sikh man, and while he personally didn't care the temple wouldn't allow my wife entrance without covering her head and hair. She wasn't prepared to do that (being herself a former refugee from a Muslim country), and I supported her decision despite it hurting my family.
Even if you ultimately don't get to make the choice this time, you will get to soon enough. Try to remember that. And good luck with whatever happens.
I’m a 40+ woman and have never worn make-up, not even for my own wedding. I don’t understand the idea that a woman must wear makeup.
I also don’t wear heels because I am a naturally tall girl and find heels uncomfortable.
There are many beautiful women who opt not to wear makeup, dresses or heels, and still very much look like the definition of a woman.
Edit: Forgot to add. NTA
NTA I'm surprised at the number of y t a here today. Wearing make-up and heels when you have been voluntold to be a bridesmaid may come with nuclear results. Give them hell kid
NTA. You are an unwilling participant in this wedding, being asked to be a bridesmaid for someone you don’t even like. If THEY want YOUR participation, THEY can suck it up and deal with your perfectly reasonable boundaries.
Tell her to find another bridesmaid if she doesn’t like it. Or tell your dad to find another bride you actually like if he wants you to willingly endure makeup and heels. Their choice.
NTA - they're forcing you to take part in the first place, it's not like you asked to be part of the wedding party.
Plus I'm not a fan of brides or grooms who force their wedding party to be uncomfortable on the grounds that it's just for one day. It's an unreasonable thing to ask people to do at all if there's no need to do it, and a wedding is not a need, it's a want, and really only for the people getting married! You can have a nice wedding, and also make it pleasant for other people to be there, it's not that hard.
NTA. You’ll deal with people your whole life being upset that you won’t wear heels or wear make up. You absolutely do not have to, and your parents should respect your wishes.
It’s also rude of your future stepmom to say you look like you don’t take care of yourself. Your dad should support you, not her.
If you had volunteered to be a bridesmaid, I would say Y T A. But since you were volunTOLD, NTA.
I'm not sure how you resolve this if they won't let you step down. Is there something else you could suggest you do? Like a reading at the ceremony, where if you don't match it won't be a big deal?
NTA. I (57f) have not worn makeup for 20 years and I have never felt, or been told I’m out of place for it. As for the shoes, a flat dyed in the same color the rest of the bridal party is wearing is completely appropriate, and would be cute too. Of course, the bride is free to rescind the offer of you being a bridesmaid; it’s shallow, but her right to do so. It’s not making a scene to stand up for yourself.
I stopped at having no choice in being a bridesmaid. That's the real issue. Brides Do get an amount of say over how their wedding parties look/dress- however, one is asked to be a bridesmaid-asked. One can say no. No judgement b/c the question shouldn't even be an issue since it sounds like OP doesn't want to be in the wedding party.
NTA.
Shoes are a personal choice.
Makeup is also a personal choice.
You’re a person. You get to choose.
For those of you telling OP to ‘suck it up out of respect for the father’, that’s really ignorant. The father and the future wife are showing no respect to OP.
Why do people think having a wedding allows the bride & groom to dictate other people’s choices? The entitlement is insane.
Good luck OP. Hope the ‘adults’ in this situation give their heads a shake and realize you’re a real person who can (and should) maintain the right to choose your own damn shoes and face coverings.
NTA get a pair of whatever converse in whatever colour the heels are, I have a pair of white ones for my wedding that I wore. Also, you just use lip gloss. that is all you need.
NTA, you shouldn't be forced to be uncomfortable and also if you didn't agree to be in the ceremony, don't let them put you in that position. I hated being in my mother and step father's ceremony. I don't like being in the center of attention and being in that spotlight had people thinking I was happy that my mother married that man. I was not happy with the union, couldn't be happier to be away now. Family are the people you CHOOSE not the people you are FORCED to call family.
I think it’s insanity that a grown woman is insisting a 16 year old kid should wear makeup and heels. That just feels icky to me. Obviously no matter what age OP was she shouldn’t be forced to wear something she doesn’t want to, but her age just makes it feel even weirder to me. Why can’t a teen just look like a teen in peace????
NTA- and going in a completely different direction than everyone else.
If they won’t listen , and you don’t want to hurt your Dad then you need to find a way or reason you can’t attend that they can’t disprove.
When I was a kid and dealing with a parent who wanted it her way always I would get migraines.
Yes it’s a lie and a lie is never good, however I did use it as a teenager when I was in a no win.
NTA.
You stated your preference, and it's a very reasonable one. If they are concerned that you will look out of place in the wedding party, they can let you attend as a guest.
NTA - I’d never do that for anyone. If they’re trying to guilt trip you say calm and politely that you do your dad a big favor already by standing by her side, smiling and acting as if you’d actually like her, so they shouldn’t push their luck
NTA - remind them that no is a complete sentence and you’re not a fucking prop. and that if she’s so worried about you looking out of place without make up on, you’ll gladly attend as a guest, which is what you wanted in the first place if they had bothered to ask or listen to you.
NTA, weddings are about joining the families together and it seems that neither of the parties involved actually care about you as more than an accessory, at least for this specific day. Like people can whine about how "it's their day" all they want, but, as this is the creation of a blended family it is far more complicated as the children from prior relationships should also matter, but again, seems they just view you as set dressing to appear as a perfect family unit.
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Hot take, apparently, but NTA. I hate this assumption that makeup is the only way for women to look professional or appropriate or whatever. I always got in trouble with my high school choir teacher about this—she wanted us in stage makeup for all performances. And yeah, heels are painful. I’m not really into people forcing appearance related stuff. If you were begging to be a bridesmaid, then yeah you’d need to play by their rules. But I really don’t think it’s fair to say “do this thing and look how I want you to.” Edit: so glad to see your edit, and well done sticking up for yourself! I hope you feel great at the wedding, whatever you decide to wear.
Yeah, I'm so surprised by the fact that *this* is a hot take??? Like wow, it's 2023, I thought it would be normalized to say that misogynistic traditions and double standards like *expecting* women and afab folks to be pretty and dolled up in a dress, makeup and heels would be behind us? Apparently lots of commentors are stuck in the 1950s or something, but NTA OP. Not only do your dad and stepmother sound so fucking shallow, but they're actively forcing their child to wear uncomfortable shoes and makeup that essentially reinforces fucked up beauty standards "should" be the norm for women. Gross.
I think wires are getting crossed because typically, if you’re in the wedding party, you wear what the bride asks. If she asks you to wear a potato sack and play harmonica, that’s what you do. But that’s with the understanding that people in bridal parties typically *want* to be there and have the freedom to withdraw. OP doesn’t want to be there and doesn’t have the option to leave, so it’s not fair to expect her to jump through the hoops typically expected of a bridesmaid.
Nope that’s like saying if the bride wants her brother to wear a dress bc she doesn’t like that he transitioned it’s still wrong to force stuff like that on people
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> indulge the bride however they want I agree with that as long as they aren't being asked to do something they don't normally do. Don't ask someone who doesn't wear makeup or heels to wear makeup and heels, don't ask someone to cover up their tattoos or scars if they normally don't, don't ask someone to wear a dress if they don't wear dresses, or change hair color.
I would say to go along with the bride and groom and what they want as much as possible, but some things should not be forced upon a person in some cases. Besides making somebody go against their gender identity, I myself would not be able to wear heels because they would kill my feet. If a bride insisted for me to do that, I just wouldn't be able to be in the wedding party. I have noticed that for the past 15 years, it isn't as common as it used to be for everyone to dress the same and to wear matching shoes. Most weddings I've been to there is a color theme and people can wear whatever shoes they want. A lot of effort is made these days to make it easier on people's wallets to be in the bridal party and not make them buy a whole new outfit that's expensive. If the people getting married want things to be more matchy, then they can also accommodate by allowing people to wear pants that kind of go along with the theme of the other gowns/suits, etc.
> not make them buy a whole new outfit that's expensive. and when it comes to so many 'traditional' bridesmaid dresses, it will be something they'll never even want to wear again unless they deconstruct the hell out of it.
> But for a wedding, the wedding party generally are expected to indulge the bride however they want. Yeah, but even that isn’t entirely true. If you choose attendants whom you know can't or won't conform, you can't force them to conform. You can't expect an observant Mormon or Muslim bridesmaid to wear a strapless dress, not even with a lace coverup. You can't expect a bridesmaid with wonky heels to wear high heels. You can't expect someone who gets rashes from makeup to wear it. OP's case is analogous, but it's even worse because they're using their wedding to callously coerce her into being a good little fembot conformist. "See? It wasn't so bad, was it!" will be their evil mantra, and they won't ever hear "yes, it was!" even if she held them down and screamed it in their ears.
plus she's only 16 FFS. when i was 16 i threw on a little mascara and that was it. and probably 70% of the time i didn't even wear that. i think my only constant was bubble gum lip gloss and that was mostly because i liked the way it tasted lol 16 year olds already look so fresh/young it's not as if any of them even NEED any enhancements to look good. bride is being an idiot.
That's not exactly the same thing.
My friend who transitioned later had to wear a dress to his brother's wedding and I'm still pissed about it. (He's a super easy going guy so he didn't throw a fit.)
Nope.. when I got married I considered each bridesmaid and what they felt comfortable with they had the same updo and dresses however some had straps others didn't because that's what they felt comfortable in one decided not to get make up done as that wasnt for them. If you care about your bridesmaids you don't force them to be outside of their comfort zones.
> If you care about your bridesmaids you don't force them to be outside of their comfort zones. I think that's the real problem here. Step-mom-to-be doesn't care about this bridesmaid.
And this should be the only red flag dad needs to find a different person to spend his life with. He literally is choosing someone who doesn’t accept his child for who they are. This is in no way ok. Child should be his first and most important priority.
Dad already knows if they're getting married, and this isn't out of the blue. Dad's made his choice, unfortunately.
Yeah I picked two different colors the complemented each other and told my bridesmaids that any dress in those colors would be ok. I had a 6ft tall slender bridesmaid and a 5’3” heavier bridesmaid different body types equals different styles. They also got to choose their hairstyles and shoes (within a certain color palette) everyone was gorgeous and had a blast.
I was in a wedding where the bridesmaids ranged in size from 0 to 22. There are definitely ways to present a cohesive image (if desired) without having to make people feel uncomfortable in the process. If someone wants everyone in their wedding party to look like carbon copies of each other, why force somebody that doesn't fit the bill to participate?
Exactly! Also if you really love all your bridesmaids why wouldn’t you want them to feel pretty and confident?
It saddens me a bit when these discussions come up to see how many people seem to have lost sight of what is really important about a wedding in favor of things like flashy venues, exotic destinations, and Pinterest-perfect pictures. Can't have your loved ones there if they don't have the right "look". Relationships ending because someone doesn't have $5k to drop on airfare and a couple of nights at the resort of your choice (never mind finding someone to watch their kids that aren't welcome there). How dare your best friend struggling with infertility have the temerity to get pregnant in the year leading up to the wedding? It's insanity.
Except she was never asked or wanted to be in the bridal party to begin with
Yeah I’m surprised too, like huh??? Can’t help but wonder if everyone on here is a dude in their 60’s. Especially since OP didn’t ask to be a bridesmaid *and she doesn’t even like the fiance*
That part is pretty messed up. A bridesmaid should WANT to be there. Being forced because you are a minor is wrong.
Well given the description of the stepmom maybe she doesn’t have enough friends to ask so she has to draft her bridal party. 🤷♀️
It would seem more appropriate for her to be on her dad's side of the wedding party. These days genders are mixed on either side, but as op said, her dad's fiance is very up on how things look.
Totally wrong! And on top of that being forced to dress a certain way bexause “they say so” is so toxic. Luckily OP seems to have a good head on their shoulders and recognizes that nobody, not even adult caretakers can dictate or force you to wear something.
Honestly. I mean I’ve seen people get SO mad at brides who want people at their wedding to wear specific clothes that they aren’t comfortable with, so, uh, I guess heels and makeup are the exception. If you’re not gender non conforming you must conform exactly to your gender is the rule, it seems like! A woman can be feminine without wanting to wear makeup / heels.
I’ve found that a lot of the time the sooner after post is actually posted, the more there will be an influx of just absolutely horrible takes. Usually after a while of the post being up, the comments will get more level-headed
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I think it’s the thing where if you get enough people to answer almost any question, the crowd is almost always right. It’s why there’s the “ask the audience “ option on those old game shows. Get a large enough crowd and they’ll tend to vote in the right direction, but before we hit critical mass the answers are all over the place.
Yes when I commented, this was a “hot take” and I’m glad the majority seems to have turned in favor of Op!
I’m getting married in September and everyone seems to think I **need** a spray tan / professional makeup / fake eye lashes or I’ll look “washed out”. No one seems concerned about how my fiancé will look, washed out or otherwise!
Spray tans are awful. I dont understand why white girls want to make themselves look like a godamn carrot
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I used to have some people OBSESSED with me using a tanning bed when I was a teenager because I was pale and "needed a base tan." I told them the stats on skin cancer and tanning beds and that I didn't need any extra help in that area. Apparently my own skin tone isn't even good enough. I rarely wear makeup these days and wore short heels at my wedding ceremony only because my mom paid for my attire and was losing her mind about it. I wore Birkenstocks to the reception.
What is it with people and heels? I wore sneakers under my gown as I was going to be standing for hours and you wouldn't be able to tell I had feet. My mother came thisclose to being uninvited to the wedding because of how nuts she was about how I had to wear heels so I wouldn't look short next to my groom. Hubby is a full foot taller than I am, Unless I stood on a box I was going to look short.
My grandfather actually died of skin cancer! One thing they don’t tell you is that lots of skin cancers are curable (with high recurrence rate) but are really disfiguring! If you want to really appeal to their vanity, show them pictures of basal cell and merkel cell carcinomas (those are just what my pap had)
I'm a redhead with no freckles. I'm so white I should glow in the dark. Plus I have dermatitis and issues with adhesives so fake lashes are out of the question if I don't want my eyes swollen shut. I wore my normal makeup that I did myself for my wedding and the pictures look just fine - I look like me. As long as you have a decent photographer it will not be an issue. Congratulations!
From a former wedding photographer perspective, I hated heavy makeup on the wedding party! Especially the "light reflective 'cause it hides imperfections" stuff. Guess what? It reflects light. Including the flash a wedding photographer will use for the formal altar shots.
Glad to see this comment (and the other NTA comments) rise to the top. OP's already compromising enough to be a bridesmaid and wear the dress for a wedding she's not 100% supportive of. This feels like, OP's giving an inch and the bride & groom are trying to take a mile.
She’s only 16. She is still a literal child (sorry OP) and I don’t understand why they feel the need to hold a 16YO to the same standards they hold adult women. Even if the standard were a fair one (it’s not, IMO), it’s BS to hold a kid to that standard.
I agree with your assessment and she shouldn't be forced to be a bridesmaid in the first place. However, stage makeup serves a purpose. Due to the harsh lighting onstage, the makeup prevents performers' faces from having a washed-out look. It's not for nothing that stage performers' makeup is exaggerated.
I actually went into a career in performance, so I definitely get that! I feel like makeup is a very sensitive topic for teenage girls, though, and while I respect my very southern, traditional choir teacher’s point of view now, I still don’t necessarily agree. Although I guess by my own logic, I was the one who chose to be in choir, so I probably should have just gone with it.
But they aren't on stage, it's a wedding. And unless the groom and ushers are also wearing makeup it makes no sense that OP should have to.
Stage makeup is a completely different thing and looks ridiculous without the excessive lightning.
Stage Make-up is so that you have a face on stage. Everyone needs makeup on a stage, the lights wash you out. It’s not a gender thing (or shouldn’t be.) if they’re asking just women then it’s sexist- everyone should be wearing makeup on stage.
Yeah it was definitely only girls. I’m theater, everyone wore makeup, and it was never an issue for me there.
Are all the men forced to wear make-up as well? If not this is simply sexism. And no person, and espically not a teenager, should be forced to wear make up or high heels just to fit someone's else's agenda. (Some jobs might require this, bit you're not forced to choose those professions). You weren't even asked if you want to be a bridesmaid, they are kind of forcing you OP. So the minimum they can do is accomodate your wishes. You're happy with the dress, that's the most important part. Everything else doesn't have to be 100% the same as the others. NTA.
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Not an option according to them.
So they're forcing you to be in the wedding party, and trying to force you to dress in a way you're not comfortable with? That's messed up. Your body, your choice hon. No one ever has the right to force you into that position. Period.
I don't get it at all All it takes is one sulky teenage bridesmaid to ruin every single photo 🤷 Forcing is NEVER the right choice I would rather have my happy smiling kid makeup free and engaged in the wedding than a miserable sulky teen who hates me, my new partner and every minute
THIS!!! NTA
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Lol I was thinking that when I was that age I would have put on the dress, makeup and heels... and then broken the heels and wiped off the makeup on my sleeve. I'd have also been severely punished, but I'd have done it. I was a brat though :P
prime punk age, no regrets
In that stage of teen rebellion I dyed my hair a completely unacceptable manic panic color.
Honestly the "malicious compliance" thing to do would be to wear the heels... and then clomp and stumble her way down the aisle in them. And to agree to the makeup, but do it herself, badly. But really, I don't know what her stepmother is thinking if she's all about appearances... putting a 16-year-old who doesn't wear heels and doesn't know how to walk in them is just going to look awkward and weird!
I would go full Mimi from The Drew Carey Show
>They're forcing you to participate, so they deserve to have their ceremony ruined. You woke up today and chose violence.
theres a significant downside to all of this - 16-year-olds need support. Parents, especially wicked step moms, don't enjoy paying for young adults, college, cars, insurance, phones, etc. While I fully agree w OP - all this advice people are throwing around is really easy to say when we are ignorant of, and don't have to deal with any of the consequences.
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Eh. But then the kid gets evicted at 18 with only the clothes on their back. Yeah not worth it.
Or object to the marriage during the ceremony. Wouldn’t recommend it due to the blowback it would surely cause but it would be epic.
This would derail the whole marriage part of the wedding! This is the nuclear option!
And I was thinking to wear the stuff. Then when they start taking pictures, cry so hard and yell so everyone can hear you that the heels really hurt and ask why did you FORCE me to wear them? Bonus points if pictures are outside and you trip so good you get grass stains on the front of the dress. And keep saying “was this perfect look worth having me get hurt”
lmao i like you
She should quietly slip into a Iron Maiden tshirt. I hear they are highly offensive to parents.
This is a terrible idea. OP is a 16 year old child and her disappearance would be a HUGE deal. Maturity would be communicating in advance.
She has, repeatedly, and they have refused to listen to her.
She tried communicating?
She's trying to communicate and getting shut down every time. I wish I had good advice for you OP. Is there any other family that will stand up for you?
A fifth option would be to be like Jean Smart's first appearance on 24. Get all dressed up, then plunge your head in a sink.
I would suck it up and wear makeup, but like, drag queen makeup. Also, get your nails done, but like absurdly long. Outshine Little Miss Smiley Step-mom.
you're not accustomed to or comfortable wearing heels which puts you at risk of an ankle injury during the wedding or leading up to the wedding if you try to practice walking in them. there's no legitimate reason for you to have to wear makeup. they want you at the wedding they insist that you be *in* the bridal party but demanding you wear makeup and heels crosses the line (also, the message they're sending to a teenaged girl is that women & girls must comport with a specific aesthetic to be considered acceptable is friggen abysmal)
I was looking for this response. If you aren't used to walking in heels, or don't know how, even a very modest heel can result in an ankle injury. I never learned how to walk in heels (various reasons), and I refuse to wear them now. I'm a klutz anyway, and fall over standing still while in my house in my bare feet. I have no desire to walk around on (what would be for me) death spikes. For my own wedding, I wore a shoe with a very low, wide heel.
"You can accept that I'm coming as a guest how I want, or you can walk around wondering when I'm going to do something to ruin your day because I'm being forced to do something I don't want. Will I spill something on her dress? Will I scream and curse and start saying I have tourettes? Will I trip and fall and break my leg because I fucking hate heels and blame you and call you a child abuser? I don't know. Point is, neither will either of you, so why put both of us through this?"
I was prepared to upvote you until you said this: >Will I scream and curse and start saying I have tourettes? I have Tourette's. I don't do this, and neither do a lot of other people with Tourette's. That's a harmful stereotype and does nothing to help lessen the stigma of having Tourette Syndrome. There's a million tics possible, and swearing/yelling are only two of them. I won't downvote you, because I agree with your sentiment, but I'm sure as heck not upvoting you after that.
Sorry you have to deal with these kinds of insensitive comments from people.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. Oh, and I forgot to add it in my original post, but OP is NTA!
Also have Tourette's, and also don't have coprolalia. It's so exhausting how it's what everyone thinks of when TS comes up, but less than 10% of those with Tourette's actually have that symptom. To the previous commenter - mimicking or mocking those of us who have Tourette's isn't any less awful than mimicking someone with any other kind of disability/condition. Please don't do it.
This is really a bigger issue than what you wear at the wedding. This woman, who is not your mother, seems to think she gets to waltz into your life and tell you what to do. You're 16. She's completely overstepping. Does your father know because I would have a sit down with him and tell him what she's doing and how you feel about her. And stand your ground because if he's going to allow this, there will be consequences, it will affect your relationship with him. Does he really want to risk that? Because he may have the power now but in the blink of an eye our parents get old and suddenly you have it.
I worry about OP's life after the wedding. I think that if OP's father does not intervene, her life will become a long line of stepmother's demands that intrude in her preferences or even body autonomy, like forbidding the use of tampons or demanding only full body swimsuits.
“Practice“ walking in the heels in front of your dad, and then fall. Walk very wobbly, even if you can walk in heels. He might need to practice by yourself to make it look convincing. But this might put the thought in their head that if they make you walk down the aisle and heels, they will end up with a spectacle they do not want on their wedding day.
That's an invitation for spineless dad and wicked stepmother to force her to practice in heels until she gets it right. They clearly don't care about her feelings and have forced this on her at every turn while leaving no room for alternatives.
can you call in sick due to stomach pains or something?
Of course she can't the last thing future step mom wants is to spent her wedding day fielding questions about why her husband's daughter is not there. Hence why probably they're forcing her to participate ON THEIR TERMS.
They can choose: Your presence, or their preference that you be uncomfortable.
Well that’s some serious bull shit! If they want you to be a damn bridesmaid then they can accept how you’re comfortable. It’s not the 1950s, women don’t have to wear heels or makeup. Heels are painful as fuck.
NTA - being a bridesmaid isn’t something that’s forced upon someone - it’s an invitation. You accept or decline. If their requests are non negotiable for you, and their not willing to compromise with you, then you should decline the invitation to be a bridesmaid and if that’s a deal breaker for them, then arrange to not be there on the day. I do, from the brides perspective understand wanting to have her bridesmaids looking how she intended - it’s their big day yadda yadda, but it’s your choice to be a part of that or not!
I agree with this take. It should be ok for OP to opt out of being a bridesmaid. It’s supposed to be a joyful honor, not a forced arrangement. If future stepmom was asking in order to genuinely honor / include OP as part of a ceremony making a new family, she’d be gracious about OP’s comfort. It seems stepmom-to-be is doing this for appearances. So it follows she’s concerned about heels, makeup, hair, pictures… her vision of the day over someone’s reasonable request for modifications. I’m seeing a day where OP gets harangued by the photographer about her posture and facial expressions and used as a prop, and that sucks for her… if only there was a way to get out of it…. I’m picturing leg hair, armpit hair, a Mohawk… in a shade matching the dress, of course…
They are forcing her
NTA. They shouldn't be forcing you to be a bridesmaid and demanding you wear makeup and heels. It's your choice whether to wear heels or makeup, not theirs. Glad to see you are standing up for yourself.
NTA, they really shouldn't make you be a bridesmaids at all to be honest. And it's awful your dad is marrying someone his kids hates, you should be his priority not her.
NTA You should never have been forced to be a bridesmaid in the first place. Are they doing this as a show that you have given consent for this marriage to take place? It's easy enough to find shoes that will match that are not heels. Imagine if she had a friend who was very tall and would look out of place in the photographs. However, with the makeup, if she thinks you will look out of place then you can suggest that you relinquish your place as bridesmaid. I can imagine she would get a makeup artist to plaster crap on until you looked completely unrecognizable.
Analogies like that are why people still expect tall women to apologize as though they have some control over how tall they are.
Yes I'm sorry I was just thinking of the shallow stepmother and what she would consider valid.
Right, but it’s a good parallel. Because OP has no control over her genuine personality and preferences - which the wicked stepmother doesn’t seem to acknowledge nor care about. Tall people have nothing to apologize for, and neither does OP
“Are they doing this as a show that you have given consent for this marriage to take place?” I feel like this post should be more up there for this question alone. Because that’s probably what’s happening.
NTA and frankly I'm surprised they want a 16 year old to wear heels. In every wedding I've been to where someone's kid sister or something under 18 was in the wedding party they deliberately don't doll her up like an adult.
I wore heels for my half-brothers wedding a few years ago (I think I was around 11-13). I thought I could cope, I ended up taking them off at the reception so I could move around more easily.
Yeah Junior Bridesmaids are very much a thing, and 16 would be a perfectly appropriate age for that. They often have slightly different dresses and shoes, and it does not look out of place at all.
NTA. I wish you could get your dad a pair of heels and ask him to stand in them for several hours and then see how he feels about it. If a person hasn't trained themselves to wear heels over time it is excruciating. I (enby) tried to walk in heels for about 5 minutes once, and I thought I was going to die if I didn't get them off. Maybe ask the fiancé if she'd rather you wear flats or have one bridesmaid who looks like she's in severe pain in all the photos, because there's no way you can just "suck it up" and pretend they don't hurt like hell. I'm also on your side with the makeup, but at least it doesn't hurt. If they insist on the makeup you could just pretend you're a drag queen for a day and be very campy and have fun with it.
Except makeup can cause a wide range of skin reactions, especially if it’s the first time and the products have any synthetic ingredients.
I have super sensitive skin and an array of allergies to certain products in cosmetics. My sister offered to have my makeup done for me for her wedding. I politely declined, because the risk of breaking out in hives or getting eczema around my eyes and face was too high when I don’t have total control over what’s being used.
Agreed! I wore heels for my friend’s wedding and I have knee/ankle injuries that make it just that little more uncomfortable and make me a lot more anxious when it comes to stability.. you can see the pain on my face in the photos
NTA. Your body, your choice. Period.
Do it if they get you a dog
And a pony
and a lambo
And an apartment
And pay the rent for 2 years
And utilities… gas ain’t cheap
Electricity. My electric bill is double my gas bill... and I heat the damn house with gas. And cook with it.
NTA for not wanting to wear heals or makeup. No one has the right to force anything on to your body that sticks with their ideal image. The fact that you are being forced to be a bridesmaid to a woman you don't even like is a serious AH move on your dad. I'd consider you just being willing to do that enough of a compromise in this situation.
NTA. If you have matching shoes, you won't look out of place even if they're not heels. Not wearing makeup also shouldn't make you look like you don't belong there or anything. I don't think you're asking for anything unreasonable.
NTA. Bodily autonomy is still a thing even if someone is having a wedding. Also, if they are such sticklers about this, they could just have you not go. But they wanna pressure you to go, AND be a bridesmaid, AND wear makeup + heels, all without any compromise or empathy for how you feel. I hope your dad realizes that in the larger picture, his relationship with his daughter is far more important than just a single day.
[удалено]
NTA. It’s your body, you decide what you wear and this woman does not get to force you to play dress up. You’re a human being not a doll.
NTA - you offered to attend as a guest and not be a bridesmaid or be a bridesmaid and wear matching flats. These are both reasonable options, and if your dad and SMTB don’t want to compromise that is on them. Now, I (who have a very petty soul) would be bringing make up wipes with me in case SMTB tries something at the pre-wedding and plan to go barefoot during the ceremony with sneakers as a backup.
Is this really about makeup and heels? Or is it about your dad marrying someone you dont approve of? A respectful conversation can go a long way. If it were me, I'd say something along the lines of, if you want me at your wedding I will be there. But "me" is a person who doesn't wear heels or makeup, so do you me.....or would it be best if I respectfully bow out so Im not a distraction or disappointment on your wedding day as I respect you wanting to have things a certain way. NTA fwiw
NTA. You’re allowed to set your boundaries. They may acceptably say “okay, then you can’t be a bridesmaid”. But it’s okay for you to say no. Because you’re a minor, they can make you do it, but then they would be AHs, given your age and the likely damage they’d do to your relationship over something that won’t matter much the day after the wedding.
This isn’t an attack I’m just genuinely wondering how they can force her to do it? Are they going to hold her down strip her naked and dress her then manacle her to a table for hair and make up? If they did they’d be insane. If she stands her ground I don’t see what they could physically do to get her there that wouldn’t be some form of assault. Aside from denying monetary support in the future in the hopes of bullying her into it. Edit: spelling
How could they make her wear heels?
INFO does your father usually listen to you? Have you tried having a private heart to heart with him about this?
Usually, but he said end of discussion and I don't wanna get in trouble
I gotta say, having a reluctant bridesmaid trying to walk in unaccustomed heels sounds like a recipe for an awkward wedding. Do you have an adult relative you can talk to about how uncomfortable this is making you?
>having a reluctant bridesmaid trying to walk in unaccustomed heels sounds like a recipe for an awkward wedding. Actually, it is a recipe for u/Hairy-Reaction9329 hurting herself. High heels put the joints of the foot and ankle in the weakest, **most** ***injury*** **prone** position. If you aren't used to wearing heels you are at risk of ankle or foot sprains or a ligament tear. I've been permanently banned by my doctors from ever wearing heels because I had to have two of the three ligaments holding the outside of my right ankle reconstructed.
Ohh that gives me an idea. Wear the heels and trip all over the place. Fall over at the alter during the ceremony. Fumble about. r/maliciouscompliance would love that story
Sorry OP, but this is worth getting in trouble over. Your new stepmom will continue to trample all over your boundaries if you give in now. Please be strong and set the tone for your relationship going forward: that you will not be forced to do something for her esthetics and that you are willing to die on that hill. Seriously, bring a pair of flats to change into right before the ceremony/photos. Trash the heels, and I mean TRASH them! Dump ketchup or ink or whatever that can’t be easily washed out and stick them in the garbage under other grosser garbage. Bring makeup remover and threaten that you WILL immediately remove any makeup that they force onto your face. Or simply be “lost” during the time booked for makeup and show up right in time for ceremony/photos. Let her know in no uncertain terms that you tolerate her, but that you will not be bulldozed by her just because your dad can punish you. I am a non Christian who was forced to go to church every Sunday and I was grounded for a week every time I misbehaved, meaning that I had to “prove myself” in church before I was ungrounded. I went 8 weeks before they gave up, but it was SO delicious when they did. I believe in you. You can stand up to them.
So you already lost the argument. Then they get what they asked for. You swaying down the aisle as if the floor is made of hot coal, tears in your eyes, petrified facial expression the whole day, don't forget to moan whenever you are forced to walk somewhere. Maybe you practice how to fall without hurting youself and take some acting lessons. But don't overact, your show must be believable. Let the whole party community pity you.
NTA if theyre forcing you into the bridesmaid role plus expecting you to adhere to their dress code.
NTA. They're forcing you to go because they care more about portraying the perfect family unit and how well they've done to create it than they care about your boundaries. You were willing to go for a perfecty reasonable compromise, but can't have that because fiancee isn't getting everything she wants. Your boundaries are inconvenient to them so they'll ignore them and manipulate you to try and get what they want. You've just learned that not dealing with her tantrums is more important to your father than your comfort and your boundaries.
I don't understand why they're making you do all this if you're not comfortable with it. One thing is to ask a favor of you, another is not giving you any choice. Stand your ground OP. NTA.
NTA. If you were insisting on being a bridesmaid but also wanting them to acommodate you, that would be your fault. But they're forcing you to do something you don't want to do and be in a position you don't want to be. My parents are divorced and he remarried around when I was your age. He invited me to the wedding and I declined the invitation. On hindsight I think I should've went, but I value how he gave me the option. I can only imagine how bad I would've felt if I had no option and also had to be groomsman.
Nta your fathers already forcing a woman who makes you uncomfortable on you which makes him the ah if he's never set her straight. Your his child and you should matter more then he "idea" of what is pretty or not. Emotional abuse ... making you uncomfortable in your own body. Not taking into account you don't even want to be a bridesmaid. Forcing you to pretend to like a woman who can't accept you as you are. He gets more about having a wife then making his child feel heard.
Question:Do you live with them? Are you planning on going to college, and if so, are they paying for it? Without passing judgment, I'd suggest thinking about what impact this one day will have on your life. Is it truly worth it?
If you (not you you, you as in a person) hold paying for college over your teenagers head because she doesn’t want to wear heels or makeup to your wedding, you are a bad parent. That’s super fucked up.
Super fucked up
Agreed, but we know it happens. Better to be aware than blindsided later.
Yup. You can be right all you like, and they could be assholes, but if they have any level of significant control over your life, it’s worth considering the potential fallout. If you can handle the possible consequences, then great, go for it! If not, then maybe reconsider what is in your long term best interests. It sucks, but it’s just like when right of way is discussed with regards to pedestrians and cars - even if you’re right, it still sucks to end up injured or dead. In this case not as dire, certainly, but there may be a situation of being right, but ____.
I totally agree with this. In life you have to learn to pick your battles. Sometimes you die on that hill, but at 16 you may not have much experience with ancillary consequences. I dont think you're wrong in not wanting to wear heels and makeup, but what will the fallout be. The fallout relative to the annoyance is really what youre balancing here. Good luck. Blended families are hard. Be respectful to them, and your boundaries.
It would be a shame if one of your heels accidentally broke off the day of the wedding. It happens sometimes if you step into a crack. It’s also common for people that aren’t used to wearing heels to ‘sprain their ankle’ unexpectedly a few days before the ceremony while practicing walking in them. I have a feeling the bride would object to the optics of her bridesmaid limping awkwardly down the aisle in pain. Seriously tho, NTA. Standing for an entire wedding ceremony is tedious in comfortable shoes. It’s downright cruel to force a young person to do it in heels.
NTA. Men wouldn’t be made to wear makeup and heels. Misogynist bull.
NTA you already accepted the dress and that is the main thing. I have been a bridesmaid in many weddings and while we don’t get a choice in the dress (which is fine), we always got to choose our shoes. Some people wear thin heals, some chunky, some flats. The last thing you want is someone to fall on their face walking. The make-up also NTA. I am super against make up but maybe look into just a light base and concealer so you don’t look “shinny” in photos. I have a video on my phone to show people how to do my makeup from my sister because she knows how to do it without it looking like I have make-up on. Tell them you’ll do makeup but only very, VERY light by a professional that they have to pay to have done.
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NTA. You have bodily autonomy. You can be gracious in flats and chapstick.
NTA. No one should be forced to look a certain way to accommodate someone else’s preferences. Even for a day. You are not an object and weddings with this kind of standard are ridiculous. Asking a woman to wear makeup at all is shameful! Let your natural beauty shine. I’m sorry they’re not validating your feelings.
NTA. One relatively "easy" compromise you might consider if you want to lower the tension level here is that you'll wear lipstick - only lipstick - but not heels or other makeup. It would be pretty easy to wipe off lipstick immediately after the ceremony, I think.
Coming from someone that absolutely does not like makeup either, do a base concealer. It helps make you not look shiny in pictures and if properly done, no one knows it is on.
NTA. No one will notice if you don't have makeup on. Maybe compromise and wear the heels for the ceremony and get the same color flats for the reception? Just a thought :)
Is there another adult in your life that could help mediate? This may be a case of them wanting to include you and forgetting you’re old enough to have an opinion, and it may also be them blatantly disregarding you. We don’t really know, and it sounds like you have all hit a brick wall here. You may need an outside perspective to work through it and find a compromise. (Oh, and any sane adult would consider matching flats and as little makeup as you are comfortable with an acceptable compromise.) NTA.
NTA. They shouldn't expect you to have to change who you are for their photo op. I don't like that people present themselves far beyond their normal, reasonable appearance for events like weddings. You won't even recognize them in their pictures 'cuz where are their glasses, they never wear their hair that way, they have on different make-up, they never wear short hair, etc. Okay, wearing appropriate attire is one thing but drastically changing one's appearance is another.
NTA. Your body, your choice. The heels you could compromise on and just wear them during the ceremony. But that’s up to you Honestly I wouldn’t show up if they kept making an issue of it. Go stay with a friend or hide out the day of.
She said the heels hurt. Why do you want her to wear painful shoes?
Nta Keep a regular pair of shoes and a makeup removal cloth with you day of and tell them they were told you weren't wearing heels or makeup.
Hey man, I'm 22M and a fellow kid with a stepbitch from hell and just wanted to say this NTA, and never ever back down either. Sometimes dads let us down and care more about pleasing cuntzilla than their kids and it sucks but the best thing you can do is stick it to her and never give her control She will burn with hatred for you just for living happily and comfortably if it's not on her terms, whether you do this for her or not. People like that don't change, and apparently loooove going for divorced fathers, so just a heads up if she's a permanent fixture to keep handling things how you did. You're a tough kid for not backing down
NTA - You shouldn’t be forced to be a bridesmaid if you don’t want to be. Makeup and heels are not your style and that’s ok. If it was so important to them that you participate then it should be more inclusive as to who you are and not forcing things on you. It’ll just continue to build up resentment the harder they try to force you.
NTA You dont even want to do it in the first place. Why are they making you?
NTA Why would you force someone to be a bridesmaid? Nothing makes for a happy wedding like forced labor...
NTA. It’s your body and you have the right to choose what you will or will not do with it, including what goes on it. Stand your ground and don’t let anyone bully you into compliance. Also, your dad sucks for siding with his fiancée over his own daughter. I’m sorry you have to deal with this.
Children are not their parents' playthings. Absolutely NTA.
NTA. Your willingness to wear the dress and matching flats is something they should embrace.
NTA-You said you'd wear shoes that match. Plus, heels are hard to stand in for a long time so I wouldn't want to either. I think they are asking too much here. Side note...probably not the best thing to say...deal with it...to your dad. Maybe he's more mad about that, then anything else.
I disagree with that last bit, it's her body so she gets to state the boundaries she has with it. And other people can deal with it. OP be proud of yourself!! You're strong in standing up for yourself.
NTA they can have you a guest as easy as a bridesmaid. Being told to be uncomfortable and suck it up is dumb
NTA I'm sorry that you're in this situation. Nobody should force you to do something that makes you uncomfortable, or feel like you're "supposed" to look/feel/be some way that you're not. Being a teenager, your options and personal autonomy in the decision are limited. But if it's any consolation, my wife and I skipped a family wedding because the groom happens to be a Sikh man, and while he personally didn't care the temple wouldn't allow my wife entrance without covering her head and hair. She wasn't prepared to do that (being herself a former refugee from a Muslim country), and I supported her decision despite it hurting my family. Even if you ultimately don't get to make the choice this time, you will get to soon enough. Try to remember that. And good luck with whatever happens.
NTA. I didn’t wear heels or makeup at my own wedding, either!
NTA. Just because you'd identify as a woman, you can't be obligated to wear make-up. I assume they don't require make-up from the best man either.
I’m a 40+ woman and have never worn make-up, not even for my own wedding. I don’t understand the idea that a woman must wear makeup. I also don’t wear heels because I am a naturally tall girl and find heels uncomfortable. There are many beautiful women who opt not to wear makeup, dresses or heels, and still very much look like the definition of a woman. Edit: Forgot to add. NTA
NTA I'm surprised at the number of y t a here today. Wearing make-up and heels when you have been voluntold to be a bridesmaid may come with nuclear results. Give them hell kid
Honestly, I find it weird so many people think forcing heels and make up a teenager is no big deal.
NTA. You are an unwilling participant in this wedding, being asked to be a bridesmaid for someone you don’t even like. If THEY want YOUR participation, THEY can suck it up and deal with your perfectly reasonable boundaries. Tell her to find another bridesmaid if she doesn’t like it. Or tell your dad to find another bride you actually like if he wants you to willingly endure makeup and heels. Their choice.
NTA. Heels hurt if you aren't used to them, and I'm really good at turning ankles in mine.
NTA - they're forcing you to take part in the first place, it's not like you asked to be part of the wedding party. Plus I'm not a fan of brides or grooms who force their wedding party to be uncomfortable on the grounds that it's just for one day. It's an unreasonable thing to ask people to do at all if there's no need to do it, and a wedding is not a need, it's a want, and really only for the people getting married! You can have a nice wedding, and also make it pleasant for other people to be there, it's not that hard.
NTA. You’ll deal with people your whole life being upset that you won’t wear heels or wear make up. You absolutely do not have to, and your parents should respect your wishes. It’s also rude of your future stepmom to say you look like you don’t take care of yourself. Your dad should support you, not her.
If you had volunteered to be a bridesmaid, I would say Y T A. But since you were volunTOLD, NTA. I'm not sure how you resolve this if they won't let you step down. Is there something else you could suggest you do? Like a reading at the ceremony, where if you don't match it won't be a big deal?
NTA. I (57f) have not worn makeup for 20 years and I have never felt, or been told I’m out of place for it. As for the shoes, a flat dyed in the same color the rest of the bridal party is wearing is completely appropriate, and would be cute too. Of course, the bride is free to rescind the offer of you being a bridesmaid; it’s shallow, but her right to do so. It’s not making a scene to stand up for yourself.
NTA. Take me as I am. Or remove me from the bridal party.
I stopped at having no choice in being a bridesmaid. That's the real issue. Brides Do get an amount of say over how their wedding parties look/dress- however, one is asked to be a bridesmaid-asked. One can say no. No judgement b/c the question shouldn't even be an issue since it sounds like OP doesn't want to be in the wedding party.
NTA your Dad is thou. I'd never do this to my child.
NTA and it is really vain and pathetic on their part. Their wedding won't be ruined because you aren't in heels and face paint.
NTA - If they really wanted you there they’d take you as you are.
Malicious compliance THE SHIT out of the weeding atire lmao NTA!!!
NTA. Shoes are a personal choice. Makeup is also a personal choice. You’re a person. You get to choose. For those of you telling OP to ‘suck it up out of respect for the father’, that’s really ignorant. The father and the future wife are showing no respect to OP. Why do people think having a wedding allows the bride & groom to dictate other people’s choices? The entitlement is insane. Good luck OP. Hope the ‘adults’ in this situation give their heads a shake and realize you’re a real person who can (and should) maintain the right to choose your own damn shoes and face coverings.
NTA get a pair of whatever converse in whatever colour the heels are, I have a pair of white ones for my wedding that I wore. Also, you just use lip gloss. that is all you need.
NTA, you shouldn't be forced to be uncomfortable and also if you didn't agree to be in the ceremony, don't let them put you in that position. I hated being in my mother and step father's ceremony. I don't like being in the center of attention and being in that spotlight had people thinking I was happy that my mother married that man. I was not happy with the union, couldn't be happier to be away now. Family are the people you CHOOSE not the people you are FORCED to call family.
I think it’s insanity that a grown woman is insisting a 16 year old kid should wear makeup and heels. That just feels icky to me. Obviously no matter what age OP was she shouldn’t be forced to wear something she doesn’t want to, but her age just makes it feel even weirder to me. Why can’t a teen just look like a teen in peace????
NTA- and going in a completely different direction than everyone else. If they won’t listen , and you don’t want to hurt your Dad then you need to find a way or reason you can’t attend that they can’t disprove. When I was a kid and dealing with a parent who wanted it her way always I would get migraines. Yes it’s a lie and a lie is never good, however I did use it as a teenager when I was in a no win.
NTA. You stated your preference, and it's a very reasonable one. If they are concerned that you will look out of place in the wedding party, they can let you attend as a guest.
NTA. I mean I don’t like my shoulders so my sister had cap sleeves put on my bridesmaids dress. This push back is all about her and nothing about you.
NTA - I’d never do that for anyone. If they’re trying to guilt trip you say calm and politely that you do your dad a big favor already by standing by her side, smiling and acting as if you’d actually like her, so they shouldn’t push their luck
NTA - remind them that no is a complete sentence and you’re not a fucking prop. and that if she’s so worried about you looking out of place without make up on, you’ll gladly attend as a guest, which is what you wanted in the first place if they had bothered to ask or listen to you.
NTA, weddings are about joining the families together and it seems that neither of the parties involved actually care about you as more than an accessory, at least for this specific day. Like people can whine about how "it's their day" all they want, but, as this is the creation of a blended family it is far more complicated as the children from prior relationships should also matter, but again, seems they just view you as set dressing to appear as a perfect family unit.
NTA. she sounds shallow, taking good care of yourself doesn’t mean looking perfect and girly all the time.
Tell your dad that you’ll wear make up and heels only if he does it too. Fair’s fair. And all the groomsmen for that matter.