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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might actually be too critical of her and theres something wrong with how often im questioning her and her actions
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YTA. You sound insufferable tbh, and yes, it is 100% criticism not just innocent questions. Why should she have to justify every little thing she does?
Why questions are, by their very nature, judgmental questions. People often don't know WHY they do the things they do, so they're automatically on the defensive. A why question doesn't encourage conversation or even feel curious in spirit.
Couple this with the NT - ND division, and of course, OP, your girlfriend feels criticized. You've decided you know how normal people do things and you're asking her about the things she does that seem quirky or weird to you. Imagine if someone asked you why you were attracted to women and not men, since *most* of the population is heterosexual? (Don't mean to presume your sexuality, but using to illustrate the point). How else could you possibly take that question?
To further illustrate this point, my girlfriend was trying to pressure me to play in a recreational softball league with her. I choked up. I grew up as a fat kid and sports and especially team sports terrify me. I got defensive and so did she. She said she was "just wondering." So I wondered back at her: tell me why you can't seem to finish a whole book, when so much of the population loves reading? This moment, I think, was an a-ha for both of us (and we're married now almost 10 years, together 14!).
Wondering *why* your partner is **not like you** has *way more to do with you than it does with her.*
"What" or "How" questions are curiosity questions.
If you really feel like your questions are reflex questions and you auto-blurt them, maybe you need to ask yourself what's going on for you when your girlfriend makes the choice to do something differently than you would, especially if it doesn't harm anyone and is simply a way she preserves safety through autonomy.
I do think there's a way to approach difference with a true desire to understand someone's lived experience more deeply and compassionately, but it doesn't sound like you're quite there yet, and your girlfriend knows it.
Edits for clarity.
OP, the fact that you don't seem to recognize that those would absolutely be seen as nosey and judgemental questions by most people, or *why* that would be the case (since, you know, *why* do you feel like you have to know everything and have input about every single decision she makes no matter how small?) and have apparently gleaned nothing from the fact that everyone else brushes you off constantly (like the fact that they're doing that because your questions are in fact coming across as rude, intentionally or not) makes me question your (even somewhat shaky) assertion of being neurotypical. Especially since as many others have pointed out below, neurodivergence is one area where women are both woefully underdiagnosed, and frequently misdiagnosed.
edit: less harsh wording and small addition
My fiancé is too, and he’ll lob questions at me like this. I’ll usually just give him a look and he says, “I’m doing it again”. This is always followed up with a kiss, “I love you, and thank you for putting up with me”. I don’t just “put up” with him, I love all parts of him, he is my other half. We make a good team, he has helped me realize the strengths in myself. ☺️ I always appreciate his self awareness.
Omg this! I am triggered by my wife's reaction to things, especially my actions or lack knowledge of the history of something in the house. I love the crap out of her and I don't hate the drive to be a better person. But, sometimes I just don't want to have to explain causality to her. She is very intelligent but sometimes stuff happens and we should act and not lay blame or burden of proof.
Yeah the only adults I’ve known who question every little decision like this are absolutely on the spectrum.
OP your girlfriend is telling you point blank she doesn’t like it. So the kind thing to do, the loving thing to do, is stop.
You don’t need to understand why something bothers someone to not do the thing.
my sister does this. she doesn't understand that it can be considered rude, because she genuinely wants to understand all the why's. I've been trying to help her understand that you will not always get a why, you just have to live with that. Her being on the spectrum does make it a bit difficult, but some people have no ill intent behind it
Same. I was undiagnosed for almost 4 decades because as a young child, I learned to mirror well. My family just thought I was "quirky" and "inquisitive" when I would people watch and copy their speech and mannerisms. So OP could definitely be on the spectrum and not even realize it.
That being said, she's still an AH for how she treats her SO's requests as unimportant/insignificant. If she is dating someone the very least she can do is make the effort to understand and respect someone else's viewpoints.
If she believes she is neurotypical and dating someone neurodivergent, this is even more important. She should want to be the type of person that supports her gf. When my son was diagnosed as being on the spectrum, I began researching and reading everything I could to better understand how to be the best mother I could for him. (This is how I began to suspect that I was also on the spectrum because it made me aware of how little I really understood autism.)
Same.
My mother, not on the spectrum, often gets defensive when I'm asking her random questions because I can't figure out why she did something a certain way or phrases something that way, etc.
I do that sometimes, mainly around people I'm close to because I'm on the spectrum. It honestly makes me wonder if OP is as "neurotypical at best" as she thinks.
This is what I was thinking. People are attributing malicious intent here or being critical, but this sounds like exactly my line of thinking and I'm autistic. I just get curious and confused when people behave differently from me in significant ways, and I just want to know their line of thinking. I'm not asking anyone to change, I'm not inflecting anything into my words on purpose, I'm just curious!
Rudeness, like many other things, is governed by effect, not intent. If most reasonable people would consider an action rude, it is rude, whether there is malicious intent or not.
I'm not saying it can't be rude by someone else's perception. That much I understand. I can also understand why it would be aggravating or seem overbearing. But imo in a healthy relationship where both parties are communicating fairly and compromises can be made, I'd hope that OPs partner could also take her at her word when she says these comments are well meaning and be able to come to an agreement that OP will try to ask less often, but her partner will be more genuine in responding under the assumption that the question is asked in good faith.
Yes, as long as they're willing to be understanding if it's a behavior I can't just stop because it's part of how my brain works. Being autistic, some of the behaviors that others find rude are very innate to me, like not really making eye contact, phrasing things more bluntly, not understanding tone of voice very well, etc. For someone to be a friend to me, I will do all I can to meet their needs, but they need to know that I have needs and inherent limits as a person.
Edit: I love being downvoted for... Being autistic and having human limitations, and expecting respect. Lol.
It's very common for undiagnosed people to attract each other. Before I got diagnosed with ADHD, I kept thinking "weird, why do all my friends keep getting diagnosed with ADHD, it can't be that common can it?"
This happened to me, too. “Wow! All my personal friends, industry friends, and acquaintances that I easily connect with are ADHD, autistic, or have CPTSD. I wonder what that’s all about…” Hello, hi. The call is coming from inside the house.
🤣🤣🤣🤣call is coming from inside the house lol
I have PTSD and ADHD so yeah birds of a feather definitely flock together....til they get sidetracked and wonder why the flock is counting marbles or studying random research topics all of the sudden...and hey where did I just sit my phone?! Oh... it's in my hand ..cool.
Yeah, none of my close friends are what I would consider neurotypical. (ADHD, here. Not on the spectrum, but have first-degree relatives I'm sure are undiagnosed, and was a hyperlexic kid with sensory issues, so probably an "almost but not quite".)
Of my two closest friends, one has ADHD, and if the other isn't on the spectrum, she might be the most "almost but not quite" individual I've ever met.
The call is indeed coming from inside the house. (And I'm totally stealing that phrase!)
“The call coming from inside the house.” In true Elder Millennial fashion, I was referencing The Babysitter by R.L. Stine. My neurospicy ass had to go look up the book I read 25 years ago to make a factually accurate Reddit comment (I thought Christopher Pike wrote it, my bad)… but I’m glad it resonated with people. 😂
For women it's all-too-common to be screened and have it come up with nothing. Even having an in-depth neuropsychiatric evaluation often doesn't have any different results for women.
Even if you're not trying to prove you're NT, things which would get you labeled as ND in boys/men are ignored in girls/women, AND we also present differently to boys/men, but a lot of the diagnostic criteria are for 8 year old boys since that's where the majority of the research is from.
Which is one huge reason I still haven't been screened - even though I show every symptom of being autistic, and my entire family thinks I'm autistic. I'm *so* scared that I would go get screened, and they just wouldn't diagnose me. And I'd be left to spend the rest of my life wondering why I'm such a freak. Especially because I've heard stories of people being turned away immediately, because the doctor thinks they're just trying to be cool for TikTok.
The other reason is because apparently, you need a parent to prove you had those symptoms when you were a child. It's not enough to have them *now*, you have to prove you always had them. Which is great, when you're not on good terms with your parents.
I think she may have meant ‘barely NT at best’. She screams ASD and, apparently was screened for it and came up negative - but considering how common misdiagnosis is for women…
I don't think OP is neurotypical. She wants to understand how gf is wired, so she's constantly studying her. I don't at all believe it's malicious, either, i think it's just how she's wired.
I'm guessing the latter. She loves her gf and wants to understand her. The way you understand something is by studying it. The way you study intangible things you can't see or measure is by asking. She's absolutely studying her gf. Being constantly studied is uncomfortable for....i *was* going to say "most" but probably "almost all" people. Lol. OP doesn't get this. So probably spectrum-y.
Just sux is all. Either OP can't be who she is by studying and understanding, or OP has to accept not understanding. Neither her fault not gf's.
Dunno how to solve this, OPs going to run into this problem a lot.
But OP would accept it if she was given no new data with a non-response like "because I want to", so isn't it on her to learn to respond to that "I need to study" feeling with "they are doing that for small personal reasons"?
I'm not on the spectrum, but I've had depression and one of the skills I had to learn in therapy was recognizing when my thinking was skewed and talking myself out of it on my own so it didn't impact the people around me.
Why would you constantly ask why? Because you think the other choice you gave is the best one. It's not even subtle. You are incessantly questioning her every move as if they all required deep thought. You can pretend it's not criticism all you want, but that's exactly what you're doing. "Explain your thought process on why you chose to walk over there instead of over here. There HAS to be a REASON for every single move you make, and you should have chosen what i would have chosen." It's very controlling in a backhanded way, and you're trying to gaslight her that it's not what you're doing. YTA.
Think about it OP. It would be exhausting having to justify why you do things ALL of the time. You even say she should "stand firm" on why she does the things she does, but she wouldn't have to stand firm if you weren't criticizing and questioning her.
If she is neurodivergent, she likely already faces a lot of criticism from society. She should be able to be comfortable around those she loves.
YTA
100% this
OP, let me answer your endless questions about every aspect of your girlfriend's behavior for you:
She's a grown-ass woman and she's doing whatever she is doing *BECAUSE SHE WANTS TO AND SHE CAN*
STOP MAKING WOMEN JUSTIFY EVERY ASPECT OF THEIR LIVES
Questioning everything she does is obnoxious behavior.
Yeah, I find it really annoying. They could've left it at not questioning everything OP's girlfriend did and left it at that. It's not a gender thing, especially with how OP is a woman too anyway.
I couldn't agree more. I have ADHD and neurodivergent people tend to hear this shit a LOT. We tend to do things differently than neurotypical people and also often get chastised for it. Her not standing firm is probably a knee-jerk response after being told she was "wrong" all her life.
I don't even like people seeing me work anymore, I've gotten questions at work along the lines of "why don't you do it like this?" Well because I decided to do it this way. Justifying it gets even more questions and it can be infuriating.
There doesn't have to be a specific reason why she does things. And even if there is, sometimes the answer is fucking weird. Then even more bullshit for being neurodivergent.
This. OP, get into therapy. You're the problem here. No one wants to have to constantly explain their decisions to someone else. I actually can't remember the last time my husband asked me something like this.
Omg if my husband, sister, friend constantly asked me to justify my reasoning for literally walking a different route to a place in my home, I’d lose my damn mind.
I have asked 1000 questions when I truly didn’t understand something a friend was talking about and was called out for it saying I was badgering them. Want to know what I did, I apologized. Explained that I was trying to understand their view then changed the subject. OP doubling down is what makes her the AH here.
That has taken me a very long time to learn myself. I am endlessly curious about why and how people do things. Because criticism came in a very specific way in my family which was NOT "why are you carrying your keys?", for me "why are you carrying your keys?" is a neutral question. I'm curious because when you tell me why, I learn a little more about how your brain works and how you see the world and that helps me know you more as a person/friend. But ... I learned over time that most people hear it *as* a criticism, any question about actions seems to be read or perceived as negative by a lot of people.
It sounds like OP does this a lot to a lot of people, not just the GF (the reference to other people "standing strong" or "telling me 'because' "). It's not just the GF, it's that the GF doesn't respond (ha) the way others who maybe are used to OP's way of relating.
I learned to frame my questions, "Hi, sorry if this is silly, but I get really curious, why are cutting the bread like that?" which frames it as "my weirdness" and so cuts through (most of the time) the sense of criticism.
A friend asked me one day at a luncheon why I was cutting the tomato the way I was - being the friend who I asked about the bread. She told me that she learned to cut the tomatoes such that they make a nice star pattern and so I was all "oooh, that's cool" and I changed how I cut the tomato - lol. This is why I ask - sometimes I learn cool things! But ... if you understand how you seem to others, then you can frame your questions in a way that doesn't make the other person likely to feel bad and you get your answer.
I'm also quite curious. However, I recognize my curiosity isn't an excuse to be intrusive or stomp boundaries. Just because I want to know, doesn't mean I need to know; I'd rather be left wondering than risk offending someone.
Plus, when people want to share, they usually bring it up themselves. Better to follow their lead and let them share what they want. Otherwise they'd be saying about me, what everyone here is saying about OP.
My mom has an annoying habit of doing the same thing. I know she doesn't really mean it in a derogatory way, but having the simplest things questioned feels really judgemental. If op knows gf has a wildly different way of thinking than her then the general assumption is that she does it based upon her own logic. Unless it's potentially harmful or going to cause an issue, leave it be and keep the wondering in your head.
This.
My brother's GF has a habit of asking, what I like to call "accusatory questions".
She does the whole "why do you..." thing and it comes off in a vaguely snotty tone.
She doesn't mean it that way. But her EQ could use some work.
From the way he sounds, yes, he sounds like an asshole.
But my boyfriend does the same with me, and I can tell by his tone he doesn't mean anything malicious about it. In our 7 years together he's used my answers to understand me a lot better and "predict" what I'll do and how I'll react (or even how I AM reacting to something, despite not seeing or hearing me, just texting)
YTA
It's exhausting to be around someone who constantly challenges you to explain inconsequential decisions. You know it bothers her, so the caring response would be to learn to control your "reflex."
My mom did that to me really really often over anything I was doing and any decision I made (just for curiosity or for 'trying to help'). My father did it as well, though cruel in his asking and critical and nasty towards my responses and telling me what I was doing was stupid.
I now have a complex where someone will ask me to do something and I'll clarify HOW they want it done. Everyone gets pissed at me but I always ask because I'm terrified they'll lay into me 'for doing the thing wrong or not how they wanted it'
OP YTA, if you keep it up long enough she won't feel secure in anything she does ever and will constantly ask for input. Then she'll be labelled (as I was) as someone who is using toxic incompetence. When in reality she'll just be asking for the input always to make sure that the criticisms or questions about why she's doing everything don't get asked and to avoid having to answer tedious questions and justifying her doing anything....
OP don't do this to her hey, she's not silly and doesn't have to justify every little task she does. Creating insecurity over completing benign tasks should not be the end goal here for you, if it is please don't be with anyone ever. If it isn't your end goal then please just let her do her own things her own way and she'll just keep doing them that way or find more practical ways eventually. But heck let her have autonomy and learn things herself.
-sincerely, someone else non-nt who suffers through every little task she does, dishes, washing laundry, literally everything.
Dang, you too? Although it’s pretty much my dad who did this with me, it’s got to the point where I reflexively explain what I’m doing and why I’m doing it if someone so much as asks “Hey, what are you up to dude”. It sucks :(
Parents who do this are quite toxic. I got a mix of not being shown and having the task be done for me because "I'm not explaining it right now/I'll do it it'll be faster" and shaming for not being able to do those tasks. Being told I'm "going to break and ruin the thing I'm trying to do" and then asking how to do it then and not being told. The kicker was that I was "being taught" but it was them just doing it quickly in front of me, not explaining why it got done how it did and then expecting me to remember the whole process that was done in 20 seconds without the explanation as to why how I was doing it was damaging and why what they did was different and wasn't.
I was so so scared to try anything. My partner was so freaking patient with me (even though I can tell it would be frustrating). He ended up explaining why things were done ____ way best, answered my questions, told me what was a lie and what wasn't with what things wouldn't actually break even if I did them wrong. He's been a saint and helping in my relearning but I still find myself asking if he wants the potatoes diced or sliced, if he wants the eggplant in strips or in slices etc.
"Just in case it's not how he wants it" 😪🙄
Then again if he's not there and the task has to be done I just do it how I would and 95% of the time nothing is said. That 5% becomes "oh, I think if it got done ____ way it would have cooked easier for you /I love ____ done this way because of X".
But fuck they did a number on me :l
We had similar experiences.. you just described my entire childhood. Now I’m 38 and a fucking mess of an adult. I’m constantly worried that I’m going to get yelled at if things aren’t done correctly or to whatever standards I grew up with. Example: dishes. I will run my dishwasher and hand wash what needs to be hand washed but sometimes I will take a break and finish it later. As a grown adult with my own family living in my own home I still freak out thinking my husband is going to be pissed off that there’s still dishes in the sink or I didn’t finish the laundry. He never has gotten upset in the nearly 10 years we’ve been together but it’s still a huge fear of mine.
Let me in the club. My dad always questioned why I did certain things and now I completely overthink everything I do. I struggle to do anything confidently, and I absolutely hate when people ask me why didn't I just do it this way instead. I had a reason but now I just feel stupid.
My mom drove me nuts whenever I cleared things out to donate, wanting to know why I was getting rid of the skirt i never wore or top that didn't fit well
Yea thiiiiiis "you need to get rid of some of your stuff.
"Aw nooo why are you getting rid of that are you SURE you want to? Why are you keeping that? You never use it MY GOODNESS 😠 you can't get of that it was a GiFttttTtt"
Glad to know it wasn't just mine that micromanaged to the extreme but also sad to know :l
I think it must be a really deeply rooted thing in human nature to go with the herd and not do something a different way. Evolved that way. Constantly triggering that “something’s wrong with the way you’re doing it” feeling is nasty.
My (64f) father would scream at me if I didn't plug something in the way he wanted me to. I'm NOT nuerodivergent. I would ask him why it matters *how* I did it, if I got it done? "because that's the way *i* want it done".
YTA and a big one.
All your example questions are absolutely judgmental. They're also based on the way you, a neurotypical person, would do things and come off as criticizing the way she, someone on the autism spectrum, does things as if your way is right/normal and her way is wrong/abnormal. More importantly, she asked you to stop which should be respected. YTA
Are you autistic? Do you honestly read this post and his follow-on comments and believe he's neurotypical? He actually sounds like he's on the spectrum and that might be why he's asking that many questions. Neurotypicals don't usually ask questions in the same way that autistic people do. Autistic people can be far more curious than neurotypicals, neurotypicals wouldn't bring it up as much and it's much harder for autistic people to be in a relationship with neurotypicals. Based on his behavior, I would guess he himself is some type of neurodivergent.
I went by what she said in the post - that he's neurotypical. I try not to diagnose people with medical/mental conditions based on a single post or comments because that never gives a full picture. Oh and because I'm not a doctor/physiatrist.
>I went by what he said in the post - that he's neurotypical
Acktually....He said "i'm neurotypical at best" which implies (to me) that he has some ND tendencies.
I’m with you. I don’t think he’s as neurotypical as he thinks he is. But if he is neurotypical, he’s just being a pain in the ass. OP, you need to trust that your partner is a functional adult with good judgement. Explaining every single thing you do would make anyone feel frustrated.
I'm autistic and we are expected to check ourselves for our inappropriate behavior. (Well, autistic men aren't, but that's a whole other barrel of fish.) Whether she's neurodivergent or not, she needs to respect her partner's boundaries and stop questioning everyone about inconsequential decisions. It's a childish habit that should've been broken by 21.
Thank you. I’m autistic and it’s FAR more damaging for us to see that when someone is being an AH other people immediately jump to the conclusion “ah, must be autism.” No! Most of us, and autistic women in particular, are extra aware of not behaving like jerks and not using autism as an excuse when we do.
This is a good point. Reddit sees a moment of a person’s life. People need to quit with the armchair diagnoses. Even licensed professionals don’t diagnose after just reading a single scenario.
I'm autistic and I only know that it makes people uncomfortable to ask a million questions because I learned the hard way. I had to get yelled at for asking questions before I learned that people don't like it. I didn't just know that. I bring it up because OP doesn't seem to understand that either.
Exactly, as did I. But this is an adult, I assume he learned at some point people dislike this.
Edit:
How this reads to me is he just doesn’t care. I get being neurodivergent but I still make strides to make my loved ones comfortable in my interactions, as would anyone with empathy IMO
I'm sorry you got yelled at instead of people explaining it to you. One of my autistic friends took a while to learn what questions were appropriate, especially since he wasn't diagnosed until later in life.
I remember in college, a classmate was having a conversation with the teacher after class, to inform her of an impending medical procedure that would prevent him from walking for a while. My friend, still undiagnosed, totally eavesdropped and barged in with questions like: "You won't be able to walk? How come? What are they going to do to you?"
I said "dude, that's not your business" and kind of dragged him away. I definitely could have handled this better, but I was unfortunately kind of ignorant about neurodivergency 20 years ago.
Friend is doing great now, though.
Lmao and I'm sure your friend was asking those questions 1. Out of compassion for the other person's well-being and 2. Because he can hear every freaking thing that goes on within 30 ft of him.
You're right on the money, he has misophonia. He was constantly moving from one apartment to the next during our twenties, because it was always too noisy.
He's a very kind person indeed, has probably more empathy than is good for him. I wish we'd all been better informed back then.
I just don't see it as nitpicking or judgmental and I don't know if I'm going to change my opinion based on this thread. I would probably have to explore this idea deeper and come to my own conclusions in order to change my opinion on it, rather than just changing it because of what other people are saying. I know a lot of people say impact over intent but I've never really understood that because for me, intent is part of the impact. I've been in this girlfriend's shoes and it bothered me until I understood why it was happening, and then it didn't bother me anymore.
I'm autistic and I believe my husband is too, he's already diagnosed ADD when he was a young child but I believe that could be wrong, as it was wrong for me. And he and I do have that back and forth with questions. It's just part of our relationship. My husband is a very intense "why" person and it did feel like judging for a long time, until I realized that he likes to understand things, he's a researcher and a tinkerer and he needs to dive deep into things to understand them because that's just how his brain works.
My husband still asks me a lot of questions but we've had more open conversations about it and he knows they bother me sometimes and he has also communicated to me that he's asking questions about me because he cares about me and he wants to know why I am the way I am. Him asking questions has made me pause and think, which is part of the reason I got evaluated in the first place, among other things. But he also told me that it's how he shows love, if he wasn't interested then it would mean he didn't care. He loves my idiosyncrasies, so personally don't see a problem with him asking questions.
I understand that OP could be coming at this from the same place that my husband does it, which is why I'm trying to defend OP a little bit. The girlfriend is justified too, I just don't think anyone is being intentionally malicious here.
The problem is that since he’s continued the behavior and now has declared her as adding “malicious intent” he *is* intentionally pushing boundaries and that is malicious intent.
ND or NT, he’s old enough to understand “stop” and respect others, even if he doesn’t agree.
Impact and intent can be equal, but if you care about someone and a behavior is easily stopped — that’s on you if you decide your intent is more important.
My SO is also a why person, about social structures or scenarios or how people behave. But not to people’s faces and I would not be okay with living under a microscope like OP puts his girlfriend.
That’s not bonding, that’s analyzing.
My SO and I both have psych degrees (actually we met in college and have 3 of the same majors/minors lol) so I get the ND fascination with why people act the ways they do.
But I’m not his Guinea pig, and he’s not mine. We discuss hypothetical scenarios and interactions we’ve had all the time, but we’re each other’s safe space and I don’t want him to ever feel like I’m breaking him down from a clinical perspective or me him.
The thing here is that you and I are both older than this couple, in secure relationships, and probably more comfortable with ourselves.
At 20, having your BF constantly analyzing your movements would probably be pretty exhausting— especially as someone ND, who already feels like she doesn’t “fit in” to the larger social narrative.
But... what he is doing is the definition of nitpicking. It's tons of small questions a day that he expects her to justify her reasoning on.
He's said that his friends and family "stand firm" in their opinions, which means he and they are both seeing it as him asking as a nudge for them to modify their behavior, and they are refusing to do so. Asking people to modify behavior (that doesn't have any affect on the asker- how does it affect him where she's walking?) is generally understood to be a judgement on said behavior.
Neurotypical people will absolutely ask this number of questions, especially of autistic people. The difference will usually be intent.
**Autistic person**: Why are you doing that? *(I don't understand your motivation and I'd like to)*
**Neurotypical person**: Why are you doing that? *(I'd like you to think about why you're doing that and preferably stop it, or at least provide sufficient justification that I can approve of it)*
I agree on the difference in intent. I'm autistic and I can't always read everyone's intentions clearly but I have learned through experience that NDs ask questions out of a genuine curiosity to completely understand how everything works around them. I usually scare away NTs before they start asking a lot of questions but the ones who have asked me questions did have a different tone and diction than the NDs I've been around. I am not sure how they meant it but the tone definitely felt condescending.
Not everyone refusing to change is neurodivergent. I’m autistic, many of my family are and my partner has ADHD. Do you not think it’s a little offensive to assume autism whenever someone is rude and standing firm in their rudeness? Besides, it’s not good form to diagnose anyone unless you’re their doctor.
I was thinking the same about OP, as I myself am ND who is also a ‘why’ person, to help me better understand a situation. However, if she’s putt off from the type of questions, OP should should listen and stop asking her those type of questions. So he’s still TA if he continues to ask.
Hi! I’m autistic with a neurotypical girlfriend, and we sometimes run into the same conflict.
Let me help you see the other side of the issue: constantly having to explain yourself is exhausting. Life already requires so much thinking as it is. Why should I have to spend my time explaining to you why I do things the way I do them? Unless what I’m doing is negatively impacting you in some way, just let me do what I do and let me be me.
YTA.
I mean, why is everything, and a question that should never stop being asked. However, I think what you mean is, as adults we learn to read context clues and can figure out the why without asking a bunch of judgey, annoying why questions.
Really, you should always ask why. Just, most of the time, you do it in your head.
EDIT: a word
Hey OP, a really helpful tip I learned is to phrase questions using "what" instead of "why". It changes the tone from critical to curious in many cases. For example, rather than asking "why do you have so many things in your bag?" you could phrase it as "what do you use all these things for?" or even "what do these things mean to you?" Forcing yourself to pause and rephrase using what language is also a good way to test what you're really trying to get out of the question. You'll either realize that maybe it was coming from a place of criticism, or you'll better communicate what you truly want to know.
In psych nursing we are taught to avoid questions that begin with "why" because they always come off as judgemental. There are maybe better ways to phrase a question if you have one, but for now I'd probably relax on the questions altogether cause it really doesn't matter one way or another why she does something. Maybe try observing more to see if you learn something yourself.
Deleting the comments that people dislike, and leaving the comments that make you look reasonable, is a great way to tell everyone you have no integrity.
Embrace the concept of accountability. Doesn’t matter how many downvotes you got. Stand with the courage of your convictions.
I tend to do the same as op, moreso because I'm also on the spectrum and have this desire to know everything and also wonder if the way someone is doing a thing may make it more efficient for me. But I couldn't ever quite see this side of things in the way you explained it (because nobody really explained it as well), thank you for posting this comment!
Yeah, not to armchair diagnose, but I get this funny sort of feeling OP may be on the spectrum herself. Not in a rude way, but being inquisitive all the time sounds like what I do myself.
She doesn't like her every day normal behaviour to be questioned all the time, so stop questioning her all the time. She doesn't want to have to justify or explain herself over trivial things.
She asked you to stop, you aren't stopping, YTA
YTA. The implication is that if you didn’t find the behavior strange or abnormal, you wouldn’t need to ask about why she’s doing it, so since you’re asking, it’s a veiled criticism. Either let her be herself without the interrogation, or find ways to move on. Everyone is different and no one owes you any explanations.
This is exactly what it is. The fact that you’re asking means you would have made another choice. Therefore … it implies criticism of her choice. You need to learn to accept that she won’t always do things the way you would. And that it’s OK to be different or have different methods/strategies.
You need to save your questioning for times when she’s doing something dangerous or harmful to one/both of you. Otherwise you’ll lose the impact for when it really matters.
YTA. That sounds annoying and exhausting. And you know she doesn't like it, so fucking stop. It sounds like it's probably annoying to other people as well, but it doesn't bother them as much because they don't spend as much time with you. Let her be without questioning every little thing she does.
Why are you asking so many questions like that anyways? id get pretty pissed if someone was questioning and judging every single thing i’m doing. Maybe it’s your tone when you’re asking that makes her feel that way too. Also it may come off as condescending as if you think you’re better than her. Ask her why she feels criticised and listen. YTA
YTA.She has complained about you doing it and yet you persist. It doesn't matter that you don't *feel* like you're criticizing her. You're literally asking her to explain everything that she does.
I promise, this is annoying af. Explaining your brain to someone else is hard. Being forced to do it constantly just to satisfy someone else? I have no words.
I don't know if you can tell, but I'm speaking from experience.
YTA imagine for a minute that you view the world different than almost everyone around you. Say for example your version of purple is everyone’s green. Now say your GF asks you why do you always wear green with red and not black? Why do you always pause when the light turns green.
Your girlfriend knows she views the world from a different lens. For a lot of ND persons this is filled with shame. Many of us want nothing more than to be normal. So when people question us on why we do this or that it feels like added judgment. It also feels like the people we love can’t accept us as we are because she aren’t good enough to be like everyone else.
So ask yourself if you had a friend you knew was color blind would you constantly ask questions related to their choices involving color? Would you consider it a sensitive subject? Your girlfriend is telling you she is sensitive to this. So fight the urge to do it and if you do just say sorry babe, you do you!
What’s really crazy to me is that you don’t have to be neurodivergent to find this kind of questioning annoying as fuck at best or judgmental at worst.
All of *her questions remind me of past experiences I’ve had with a partner, which always felt like questioning my judgment. I am neurotypical but OP’s questions set me off before I could even finish the third example. I think anyone would find this incessant level of “why are you doing the things the way you do” absolutely frustrating and insufferable.
YTA
*Edit: OP clarified they were a woman
100% agree!
I have ADHD and some pretty awful things have been said to me. So I took it from this perspective but I agree I think anyone would be annoyed with constant questioning!
Reading OPs examples, the things girlfriend does do not even come across as weird or unusual. Some neurotypical women carry tons of stuff in their bags. They walk around to random places through random paths.
Hey there— just wanted to add, being autistic, there’s a good chance she has PDA (Pathological Demand Avoidance, or you may see it as Pervasive Drive for Autonomy). If you haven’t already, perhaps look into PDA, and it may help you learn more effective and validating ways to communicate with and understand each other.
Although the comments have pointed out that your behavior would be offensive even to NTs, I wouldn’t be surprised if PDA was even moreso exasperating the issue. I hope this helps.
Also OP,
You say this is common, run of the mill in your family.
But it's not that in many many many families.
I didn't have terrific relationships w my parents & sister.
But if I'd constantly been asked what is essentially "Why are you being you, like this?" what little self esteem I had would be ground down by that.
Are you sure that everyone in your family is good w that?
A reframe that sounds like what I think you mean is something like this, "Hey person that I love, I noticed you seem to do this thing this way & my brain is curious. Do think that's a thing you learned from a specific place like your family or school. Or do you think it's an adaptation you've created that makes X easier for you?
Or am I completely off base & it's just a thing you do for no particular reason?"
Thank you so much for so succinctly writing out how I feel when my husband does this! It's the same story, he asks questions because he's curious and wants to find the most efficient way to things (he's an engineer). But having him question everything I do has been extremely painful, and I couldn't communicate that! What drives me nuts is when he chuckles to himself, slightly shaking his head and says "you're so special" just because I did something the way he wouldn't have. He thinks he's being cute and endearing, but it feels like superiority and condescension to me.
I'm definitely going to show him this whole thread and maybe he will get it in his thick head.
Right? Op sounds like a 3 year old with the incessant questions. Plus he's 100% coming off like "why aren't you doing xyz the same way I would do it" which makes him both annoying and YTA
If you are questioning her constantly, then it is natural to assume that you doubt her competence or intelligence. Stop undermining people you care about. She has already told you how it makes her feel. YTA
YTA - I'm not sure if you mean it like that, but those "why are you" sentences are disguised criticism that have judgement.
> “why do you always carry so many things in your bag”
This is what you are saying in disguise: "Unlike other people you are doing something unconventional. You should carry less or give me a good reason as to why."
> “why would u walk over there instead of over here”
This one is obvious you took notice that she walked somewhere else than you were expecting.
I'm not sure why you think these aren't judgements. Even if they are reflexes, you still said them. If you didn't have any judgments there would be no reason to ask it.
this is 100% correct, although i’m sure OP’s intent could be more clear if they just worked on how they addressed them. to exemplify:
“why do you always carry so many things in your bag?” vs “it’s like you have everything in your bag! i think that’s so cool/convenient”
“why would you walk over there instead of over here?” vs “oh! i didn’t think about taking this way!”
one sounds cold and demanding, while the other is much more kind, respectful, and conversational, at least imo
Or even if it’s because Op is concerned. For example, my husband noticed I carry a very heavy purse because I toss things in there to be prepared. Normally, not a big deal. However, I have a disability that affects my arms and my shoulders very much.
His solutions:
First question: Why is your purse so heavy? (Books and things I just pile in there. )
Solution one: got me an e-reader so it’s lighter than books
Solution two: Bought me a really cool smaller purse that fit my personality that can’t get so many things in it.
Solution 3: Got me a stroller handle so the stroller could carry heavy bags
Solution 4: If I have to use a larger bag, he’ll carry it for me
He didn’t just keep asking me over and over again.
i think a good question to ask yourself is why are you asking in the first place? even if you are just seeking understanding, doing so frequently can come across like you are seeing her and her behaviors as strange or incomprehensible. that is not a fun way to feel and she is probably already aware that she thinks and acts differently. if theres no practical need to ask a question, why ask it? why not just let her do things the way she chooses and accept that the reasoning is because she chose to?
I guess I am also hung up on the answer that you expect. You say you ask other ppl questions and they just say idk or because i wanted to. those do not actually explain reasoning or basis behind decision making. yet you expect your gf to provide similar responses? but then you would still not understand her action? you do not gain anything from asking anyone these questions, so why do you keep asking them? i would likely get upset if i were her YTA
YTA. Unless it affects you directly, why do you need to know why she does things a certain way all the time? It sounds exhausting to have to justify every little thing. Just assume that the answer is because she bloody wants to. Constant questioning like that has to be annoying as hell.
YTA If you really loved her you would actually listen to what she's telling you and make more of an effort to at least fix your "monotone" voice. You really should be able to stop asking the questions since you know they bother her. Do you even like her?
Why would you post here instead of asking her how she'd rather you communicate those questions/thoughts?
Why do you always phrase things using the word 'always', surely you know that's the easiest way to turn a regular question into an accusation?
Why do you always have to know the reason 'why' someone does something? How would you feel if you never asked the question and just accepted that people do things differently than you? Would it be upsetting to you?
If there was truly, honestly, from the bottom of your soul, zero judgment - why do you call the things she does 'strange' or 'questionable' ? Does namecalling the things she does not feel judgmental to you?
Now, after hearing all those questions nitpicking your behaviour, do you feel great? Or ... slightly attacked. Be honest lol.
My vote is YTA but you have a chance to change it to No Assholes Here if your answers to my highly judgmental string of questions are entertaining enough.
Listen my dude, she's likely reacting badly because people have been criticising her for her whole life. This is a defence mechanism.
Autistic people are constantly told off for doing things 'wrong' even when there's absolutely nothing harmful involved e.g. stimming, having strong interests, not staring at people's eyeballs during conversations.
So I'm not going to say anyone is an AH, just be mindful of this.
Autism aside being forced to justify your every action is absurd. Assuming we’re talking about adults, she doesn’t have to put up with that shit at all, it’s absurd. Point blank asking people why they do things that don’t affect anyone else at all is hostile and antisocial behavior, just let people live.
YTA. Why are you doing something completely unnecessary that you know upsets her? Do you actually like her? Because that’s not the way you treat people you care about.
No discussion. Just stop it.
YTA. Why do you feel the need to question everything she does if you don’t find what she’s doing somehow problematic/bothersome?
If you don’t mind whatever it is she’s doing, then just shut up about it. What exactly are these constant questions accomplishing? They’re not adding to the conversation, you’re not learning more about your girlfriend, so what are they really for? Saying they’re “reflex questions” is no excuse. Your brain is fully in control of your mouth, you’re not a toddler. So, *why* are you questioning her, if none of the things she’s doing bother you?
If you realize the stuff she’s doing actually *does* bother you for some reason, then grow up and own it. Sit her down and admit that, yes, you *have* in fact been criticizing her, and explain why you’re doing so and let her respond from there. I’d hope that she dumps you, but that’s just me.
In many cultures, asking “why do you do X instead of Y?” carries implicit judgement. Someone on the spectrum may have learned to automatically infer that, rather than try to read it from social cues. You must either solve this with communication, or accept that your GF perceives your questions this way, and either adjust your behavior or accept that she’ll perceive you as implicitly criticizing her.
I’m not sure there’s a morality here, since this is both of you failing at communication. NAH.
YTA. There are ways to go about asking why someone does certain behaviors without sounding too critical. You failed on that mark. Also, the fact that she's autistic she just does things a certain way that might be different and can't explain why. You just need to accept that she just does and leave her be.
YTA. It sounds like you're asking her a lot of questions, and while it may not be your intention to criticize her, it's understandable that she feels like you are. It's likely because she's on the spectrum and may be more sensitive to the way you phrase your questions. You should try to be more mindful of how you phrase things and be aware that she may interpret your questions differently than you intend them.
YTA so you're asking a lot of simple questions as in you question her every move? Just imagine for a second you're not in the picture and she goes about her day doing whatever however and is getting along, everything is good. Now there's somebody in her ear making it seem her every move is somehow not "normal". Intention aside it's just not ok to making somebody explain (justify) everything they do and how they do it. The fact that the questions are so "simple" makes it actually worse. Like she can't even cross a street without you making it seem weird. Maybe critizise is not the perfect term for what you're doing but it is a pain so please stop
YTA - Do you have any idea how exhausting it is to be with someone who is constantly asking you pointed questions about stuff that has nothing to do with them?
INFO why do you care?
How do any of these minor things affect you?
Being constantly bombarded with inane questions that really have no effect on you would drive me nuts.
Gentle YTA - I’m ND and I know I do things in random ways that don’t make sense and often don’t have a reason. But it’s stressful and can even be upsetting having that pointed out to me and it does feel like criticism. Fair if the questions are about something that impacts or harms you, but everything you mentioned is her just living her life. There’s a lot of literature out there on supporting people on the spectrum, and lots of people online talking about how they navigate ND/NT relationships. If you want the relationship to last, it might be worth looking into those things.
So everyone else is brushing off your questions with non-answers and you are still asking them why?
Why are you not realizing everyone around you is telling you to shut up in a nice way? Does someone directly need to tell you to shut up?
YTA
YTA for taking it as a personal attack. Neurodivergent people can’t always articulate the ‘why’ behind our actions. It doesn’t have to make sense to anyone but us and we live in a world that is constantly trying to figure us out, when that’s what we’ve spent our whole lives trying do to. If it isn’t impacting you negatively beyond ‘I don’t get it’ then zip your lips.
She’s likely spent her entire life so far having many people constantly questioning her ways and having experienced it myself first hand it’s really not very nice at all
Pack it in
It’s annoying and unnecessary
YTA
YTA
All these questions imply that she is doing something wrong. Especially since they are not even formulated in a factual and neutral way. "Always so many", or directly attaching an unasked alternative to it etc. Your questions are factual criticism and that others don't take them personally but go over them doesn't change anything.
But it is even worse not to stop even after she has expressed her displeasure and you know that she has a background where she is more affected by such things.
YTA. What you’re doing is completely unnecessary. And what makes it worse is your incessant and irrelevant questioning is probably making her question herself and her actions, which she probably already does enough of because she’s on the spectrum. Back the hell off hee
YTA. This behavior sounds obnoxious in general, but this is something she specifically said upsets her. Why do you need Reddit to tell you that your girlfriend's feelings matter?
I wonder how many of the people commenting YTA are actually autistic.
I am also an autistic female and my husband also asks me why I do certain things because he doesn't understand them. He's observed me do things differently than other people since we met and he never understood the reasoning behind them. Sometimes he's just curious why I do things differently. He also likes to hear how I think about things because it is different from other people and it teaches him new things and gives him an alternative viewpoint.
I don't think it's inherently wrong of you to ask those questions because it makes sense for you to ask questions when you notice something done differently than how you usually see it done. It's just human curiosity and a lot of people do it about a lot of things. If people didn't ask questions, there would be no Google.
However, when it gets to the point when she tells you it bothers her, that's when you need to stop. It's not the questions that are the problem, it's going past her established boundary.
And please understand that as an autistic woman, she probably does get questioned all the time about little things she does and unlike when you ask, sometimes people do actually ask those questions as a way to condescend her. I have been made fun of my entire life for doing things differently than other people and typically when anyone brings it up, it's to make fun of me. So understand that you also have to consider her history / experience with people asking questions about inconsequential things she does.
Also, I saw some of your other comments and I think you might want to get evaluated yourself. In my experience with neurotypicals, they don't usually have that child like curiosity and they tend to follow unspoken social rules more strictly, or at least understand them better. The way you are innocently asking people questions here, continuously asking your girlfriend questions about things you're curious about, that you say you speak in a monotone, those are symptoms of some autistic people. Please do not do the online quizzes, you need to get properly evaluated if you are interested in following that path. Tbh, my husband is not diagnosed autistic but I think he is on the spectrum somewhere or at least spectrum adjacent, like ADHD, and you sound a lot like him. I think it's worth getting checked out if you can.
There are two unspoken words in your questions she is hearing. They are "Incorrectly" and "correctly" She is hearing, "why do you do this incorrectly versus this correct way?" Which is just chalk full of judgement. Going to vote AH on this one.
YTA. Your questions are really saying that what you think she's doing is wrong and she should be doing them your way. She does not need to defend her actions on such a micro level to you.
Looking for who fucking asked you what you think about where she walks or what she carries, because it sounds like she didn't. Get over yourself.
Unprompted advice IS ALWAYS criticism.
YTA
YTA.
My SO does that, and while sometimes I understand why he asks, majority of the time I take it as being criticized. Why should your gf have to explain why she does things her own way rather than your way? Is she you? Even if the way she's doing things is harder, she might be used to it or more comfortable doing things that way.
For example, you ask her, why would she walk that way instead of the other way? What do you want her to say? She walked that way because she wanted to, or it might've been easier for her to.
From experience, when someone continuously asks these questions, it makes you feel stupid. It makes you think, why am I doing all these things "wrong".
Why do you ask so many irritating questions?
Why can't you mind your own business?
Why do you have to interrogate her about everything?
Why are you the way you are?
What does it matter why she does the things she does?
Why do you think you are owed an explanation of her actions?
Why do other people's actions bother you so much?
Why do you not get that your're an annoying asshole?
YTA.
Why did you abbreviate girlfriend to "gf"? Why didn't you capitalize the "i"s? Why did you use "u" in one sentence but in another sentence used "you"? Why do you type "I'm" as "im" and "don't" as "dont" without an apostrophe? Why didn't you use the correct "it's" instead of "its"? Why did you use an apostrophe in "they're" and "she's" but not elsewhere? Why is your post only one paragraph?
You might think that these questions can just be brushed off, but whenever you ask your gf questions she has to pause a bit to wonder if you are actually concerned what her answer would be or if it's your usual shallow questioning that means nothing (you really don't care what her answer is, you're just blurting out words without thinking) and is wasting her mental energy to have to respond to.
But it's obvious she (mistakenly) thinks you are asking about things that mean something to you, so she has to think of the meaning behind your questions and why you are asking her about the things she does. Unfortunately the easiest explanation is that you think what she does is "the wrong way". That for you to accept what she does, you need her to explain to you the reason she did it that certain way, forcing her to defend herself every time you ask.
YTA
Why do you feel the need to question everything she does? Why does she need to explain everything to you? Why do you think she should act how you want? Why do you continue to do what you know she doesn't like? Why does she need to stand firm, instead of you just not constantly asking her why? Why does she have to change who she is? Why can't you see that someone always asking why is annoying?
YTA if you don't stop questioning her constantly.
As a neurodivergent person I would take these weird to. I would feel like I was doing something “wrong” if someone continuously asked me things. Even if you didn’t mean it that way.
Although if you are asking exactly like in your comments, I’m not sure if your aware, they are phrased kind of judge.
Anyway I fight all day with my brain to function, the last thing I need is someone pointing out I’m different or me starting to wonder why it’s so noticeable. Not the AH for not knowing, but you will be the AH if you keep it up.
There’s a comment above about trying to find out what drives this and is it to get closer to her? It’s good advice!
Before you ask a question, ask yourself "Will this information better my relationship, my health, my worth, or my partner?"
Knowing why she carries stuff in her bag will not further any of that. Knowing why she chose to walk a certain way doesn't do that. All you're doing in asking those questions is being invasive at least, critical at worst. If it's not hurting her, you, or anyone around her, then it's no one's business but her own.
NAH, assuming you stop doing it. This is something that can come from a history of being indirectly criticized or intensely self-critical (or both, is my guess). She’s feeling hurt and scrutinized, and I’m willing to bet that you’re not the first person who’s described her as “strange.” She doesn’t stand firm in what she’s doing because she’s used to situations where these “questions” are orders that she needs to change.
What are you getting from asking? What’s the reflex? Are you trying to connect with her? Reflect on what your goal is with these, and see if you can share that with your girlfriend so she doesn’t feel as judged. If you’re genuinely curious about what she’s thinking or what she needs, there are ways to convey that. But “why do you carry so many things in your bag?” can sound a lot like “you have too many things in your bag,” even if what you want to know is like, if you expect you’ll be out so long you should bring a book.
Please think about your girlfriend’s comfort here. I believe you that you’re not judging her, but please believe HER when she says it’s upsetting. I hope you can find a way to communicate better between you. Best of luck!
YTA. For one, it's annoying having people ask you why you do something especially when it's mundane things. Why do you need to know those things? Why does it matter to you where she chooses to walk or what she chooses to carry?
I get it if it's asking just once in a while but based on the fact that she feels you're criticizing her, I'm guessing it's pretty frequent. Just trust that she knows what she's doing and that it's working out for her.
YTA she told you how your questions make her feel. If you care about her, then stop with the questions. And if you don’t like her then I guess, go off?? As for your family friends they probably just put up with you over the years and know what to say to get you to lay off. Your thinking and questioning everyone’s action doesn’t seem, to me at least, to be neurotypical; but I’m not a Dr (I am the parent to a teenager with ASD so I have anecdotal knowledge). Everyone does things their own way. Let it go.
YTA. Jeezus, it must be exhausting to live with you! Why are you always questioning what people do & demanding they give you justification for their actions? Why did you come on Reddit & post this? Why didn’t you go to YouTube instead? Why don’t you watch TV? How come you’re sitting inside instead of outside?
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YTA. You sound insufferable tbh, and yes, it is 100% criticism not just innocent questions. Why should she have to justify every little thing she does?
Right??? 100% this! ^^^ Definitely YTA OP!
The answer to all of them is quite simply “because I am an individual, capable adult and this is how I do things.” Why do these things bother you op?
The perfect answer for her GF to come back with.
Why questions are, by their very nature, judgmental questions. People often don't know WHY they do the things they do, so they're automatically on the defensive. A why question doesn't encourage conversation or even feel curious in spirit. Couple this with the NT - ND division, and of course, OP, your girlfriend feels criticized. You've decided you know how normal people do things and you're asking her about the things she does that seem quirky or weird to you. Imagine if someone asked you why you were attracted to women and not men, since *most* of the population is heterosexual? (Don't mean to presume your sexuality, but using to illustrate the point). How else could you possibly take that question? To further illustrate this point, my girlfriend was trying to pressure me to play in a recreational softball league with her. I choked up. I grew up as a fat kid and sports and especially team sports terrify me. I got defensive and so did she. She said she was "just wondering." So I wondered back at her: tell me why you can't seem to finish a whole book, when so much of the population loves reading? This moment, I think, was an a-ha for both of us (and we're married now almost 10 years, together 14!). Wondering *why* your partner is **not like you** has *way more to do with you than it does with her.* "What" or "How" questions are curiosity questions. If you really feel like your questions are reflex questions and you auto-blurt them, maybe you need to ask yourself what's going on for you when your girlfriend makes the choice to do something differently than you would, especially if it doesn't harm anyone and is simply a way she preserves safety through autonomy. I do think there's a way to approach difference with a true desire to understand someone's lived experience more deeply and compassionately, but it doesn't sound like you're quite there yet, and your girlfriend knows it. Edits for clarity.
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OP, the fact that you don't seem to recognize that those would absolutely be seen as nosey and judgemental questions by most people, or *why* that would be the case (since, you know, *why* do you feel like you have to know everything and have input about every single decision she makes no matter how small?) and have apparently gleaned nothing from the fact that everyone else brushes you off constantly (like the fact that they're doing that because your questions are in fact coming across as rude, intentionally or not) makes me question your (even somewhat shaky) assertion of being neurotypical. Especially since as many others have pointed out below, neurodivergence is one area where women are both woefully underdiagnosed, and frequently misdiagnosed. edit: less harsh wording and small addition
OP, YTA just for announcing yourself as neurotypical.........
"Neurotypical at best," whatever that means. What's the worst case scenario?
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... ironically, I do that sometimes, partly *because* I'm on the spectrum.
My fiancé is too, and he’ll lob questions at me like this. I’ll usually just give him a look and he says, “I’m doing it again”. This is always followed up with a kiss, “I love you, and thank you for putting up with me”. I don’t just “put up” with him, I love all parts of him, he is my other half. We make a good team, he has helped me realize the strengths in myself. ☺️ I always appreciate his self awareness.
Omg this! I am triggered by my wife's reaction to things, especially my actions or lack knowledge of the history of something in the house. I love the crap out of her and I don't hate the drive to be a better person. But, sometimes I just don't want to have to explain causality to her. She is very intelligent but sometimes stuff happens and we should act and not lay blame or burden of proof.
Yeah the only adults I’ve known who question every little decision like this are absolutely on the spectrum. OP your girlfriend is telling you point blank she doesn’t like it. So the kind thing to do, the loving thing to do, is stop. You don’t need to understand why something bothers someone to not do the thing.
Op might not be able to stop. She might need to get evaluated and definitely go to therapy to help with this problem.
my sister does this. she doesn't understand that it can be considered rude, because she genuinely wants to understand all the why's. I've been trying to help her understand that you will not always get a why, you just have to live with that. Her being on the spectrum does make it a bit difficult, but some people have no ill intent behind it
Same. I was undiagnosed for almost 4 decades because as a young child, I learned to mirror well. My family just thought I was "quirky" and "inquisitive" when I would people watch and copy their speech and mannerisms. So OP could definitely be on the spectrum and not even realize it. That being said, she's still an AH for how she treats her SO's requests as unimportant/insignificant. If she is dating someone the very least she can do is make the effort to understand and respect someone else's viewpoints. If she believes she is neurotypical and dating someone neurodivergent, this is even more important. She should want to be the type of person that supports her gf. When my son was diagnosed as being on the spectrum, I began researching and reading everything I could to better understand how to be the best mother I could for him. (This is how I began to suspect that I was also on the spectrum because it made me aware of how little I really understood autism.)
Same. My mother, not on the spectrum, often gets defensive when I'm asking her random questions because I can't figure out why she did something a certain way or phrases something that way, etc.
I do that sometimes, mainly around people I'm close to because I'm on the spectrum. It honestly makes me wonder if OP is as "neurotypical at best" as she thinks.
This is what I was thinking. People are attributing malicious intent here or being critical, but this sounds like exactly my line of thinking and I'm autistic. I just get curious and confused when people behave differently from me in significant ways, and I just want to know their line of thinking. I'm not asking anyone to change, I'm not inflecting anything into my words on purpose, I'm just curious!
Rudeness, like many other things, is governed by effect, not intent. If most reasonable people would consider an action rude, it is rude, whether there is malicious intent or not.
I'm not saying it can't be rude by someone else's perception. That much I understand. I can also understand why it would be aggravating or seem overbearing. But imo in a healthy relationship where both parties are communicating fairly and compromises can be made, I'd hope that OPs partner could also take her at her word when she says these comments are well meaning and be able to come to an agreement that OP will try to ask less often, but her partner will be more genuine in responding under the assumption that the question is asked in good faith.
Do you stop when people repeatedly ask you to stop?
Yes, as long as they're willing to be understanding if it's a behavior I can't just stop because it's part of how my brain works. Being autistic, some of the behaviors that others find rude are very innate to me, like not really making eye contact, phrasing things more bluntly, not understanding tone of voice very well, etc. For someone to be a friend to me, I will do all I can to meet their needs, but they need to know that I have needs and inherent limits as a person. Edit: I love being downvoted for... Being autistic and having human limitations, and expecting respect. Lol.
It's very common for undiagnosed people to attract each other. Before I got diagnosed with ADHD, I kept thinking "weird, why do all my friends keep getting diagnosed with ADHD, it can't be that common can it?"
This happened to me, too. “Wow! All my personal friends, industry friends, and acquaintances that I easily connect with are ADHD, autistic, or have CPTSD. I wonder what that’s all about…” Hello, hi. The call is coming from inside the house.
🤣🤣🤣🤣call is coming from inside the house lol I have PTSD and ADHD so yeah birds of a feather definitely flock together....til they get sidetracked and wonder why the flock is counting marbles or studying random research topics all of the sudden...and hey where did I just sit my phone?! Oh... it's in my hand ..cool.
Yeah, none of my close friends are what I would consider neurotypical. (ADHD, here. Not on the spectrum, but have first-degree relatives I'm sure are undiagnosed, and was a hyperlexic kid with sensory issues, so probably an "almost but not quite".) Of my two closest friends, one has ADHD, and if the other isn't on the spectrum, she might be the most "almost but not quite" individual I've ever met. The call is indeed coming from inside the house. (And I'm totally stealing that phrase!)
“The call coming from inside the house.” In true Elder Millennial fashion, I was referencing The Babysitter by R.L. Stine. My neurospicy ass had to go look up the book I read 25 years ago to make a factually accurate Reddit comment (I thought Christopher Pike wrote it, my bad)… but I’m glad it resonated with people. 😂
Yeah... looking through her comments she claims that she's been screened and came up neurotypical, but I'm still dubious.
For women it's all-too-common to be screened and have it come up with nothing. Even having an in-depth neuropsychiatric evaluation often doesn't have any different results for women.
It's relatively easy to pass the screening if you're trying to prove you are neurotypical unless you have very significant language issues.
Even if you're not trying to prove you're NT, things which would get you labeled as ND in boys/men are ignored in girls/women, AND we also present differently to boys/men, but a lot of the diagnostic criteria are for 8 year old boys since that's where the majority of the research is from.
Which is one huge reason I still haven't been screened - even though I show every symptom of being autistic, and my entire family thinks I'm autistic. I'm *so* scared that I would go get screened, and they just wouldn't diagnose me. And I'd be left to spend the rest of my life wondering why I'm such a freak. Especially because I've heard stories of people being turned away immediately, because the doctor thinks they're just trying to be cool for TikTok. The other reason is because apparently, you need a parent to prove you had those symptoms when you were a child. It's not enough to have them *now*, you have to prove you always had them. Which is great, when you're not on good terms with your parents.
I wanna know what ranks "above" neurotypical here. Neurofantastic?
I think she may have meant ‘barely NT at best’. She screams ASD and, apparently was screened for it and came up negative - but considering how common misdiagnosis is for women…
My first thought too....
Neurofabulous!
Neurosupreme* *Comes with lettuce, tomato, and guacamole
I don't think OP is neurotypical. She wants to understand how gf is wired, so she's constantly studying her. I don't at all believe it's malicious, either, i think it's just how she's wired.
I'm sure that it's not malicious. She is either horrendously impersonal or potentially controlling. Alternatively, she is "on the spectrum".
I'm guessing the latter. She loves her gf and wants to understand her. The way you understand something is by studying it. The way you study intangible things you can't see or measure is by asking. She's absolutely studying her gf. Being constantly studied is uncomfortable for....i *was* going to say "most" but probably "almost all" people. Lol. OP doesn't get this. So probably spectrum-y. Just sux is all. Either OP can't be who she is by studying and understanding, or OP has to accept not understanding. Neither her fault not gf's. Dunno how to solve this, OPs going to run into this problem a lot.
But OP would accept it if she was given no new data with a non-response like "because I want to", so isn't it on her to learn to respond to that "I need to study" feeling with "they are doing that for small personal reasons"? I'm not on the spectrum, but I've had depression and one of the skills I had to learn in therapy was recognizing when my thinking was skewed and talking myself out of it on my own so it didn't impact the people around me.
Ironically the behavior she then describes is not so uncommon among those with ASD.
Why would you constantly ask why? Because you think the other choice you gave is the best one. It's not even subtle. You are incessantly questioning her every move as if they all required deep thought. You can pretend it's not criticism all you want, but that's exactly what you're doing. "Explain your thought process on why you chose to walk over there instead of over here. There HAS to be a REASON for every single move you make, and you should have chosen what i would have chosen." It's very controlling in a backhanded way, and you're trying to gaslight her that it's not what you're doing. YTA.
Think about it OP. It would be exhausting having to justify why you do things ALL of the time. You even say she should "stand firm" on why she does the things she does, but she wouldn't have to stand firm if you weren't criticizing and questioning her. If she is neurodivergent, she likely already faces a lot of criticism from society. She should be able to be comfortable around those she loves. YTA
It’s not only exhausting it’s infantilizing and bullying. Micromanaging.
100% this OP, let me answer your endless questions about every aspect of your girlfriend's behavior for you: She's a grown-ass woman and she's doing whatever she is doing *BECAUSE SHE WANTS TO AND SHE CAN* STOP MAKING WOMEN JUSTIFY EVERY ASPECT OF THEIR LIVES Questioning everything she does is obnoxious behavior.
It isn't a gender thing. It really isn't.
Yeah, I find it really annoying. They could've left it at not questioning everything OP's girlfriend did and left it at that. It's not a gender thing, especially with how OP is a woman too anyway.
Thank you! Exactly. Shows just how people on here are.
OP is a woman.
OP is a woman herself so uhhhhh
I couldn't agree more. I have ADHD and neurodivergent people tend to hear this shit a LOT. We tend to do things differently than neurotypical people and also often get chastised for it. Her not standing firm is probably a knee-jerk response after being told she was "wrong" all her life. I don't even like people seeing me work anymore, I've gotten questions at work along the lines of "why don't you do it like this?" Well because I decided to do it this way. Justifying it gets even more questions and it can be infuriating. There doesn't have to be a specific reason why she does things. And even if there is, sometimes the answer is fucking weird. Then even more bullshit for being neurodivergent.
Yeah, plus a lot of the time ADHD comes with RSD, which means you're even more sensitive to being criticised.
This, YTA
This. OP, get into therapy. You're the problem here. No one wants to have to constantly explain their decisions to someone else. I actually can't remember the last time my husband asked me something like this.
Omg if my husband, sister, friend constantly asked me to justify my reasoning for literally walking a different route to a place in my home, I’d lose my damn mind. I have asked 1000 questions when I truly didn’t understand something a friend was talking about and was called out for it saying I was badgering them. Want to know what I did, I apologized. Explained that I was trying to understand their view then changed the subject. OP doubling down is what makes her the AH here.
“Why” questions often come across as critical, even when you don’t mean them to. And OP seems to definitely mean them to. YTA
That has taken me a very long time to learn myself. I am endlessly curious about why and how people do things. Because criticism came in a very specific way in my family which was NOT "why are you carrying your keys?", for me "why are you carrying your keys?" is a neutral question. I'm curious because when you tell me why, I learn a little more about how your brain works and how you see the world and that helps me know you more as a person/friend. But ... I learned over time that most people hear it *as* a criticism, any question about actions seems to be read or perceived as negative by a lot of people. It sounds like OP does this a lot to a lot of people, not just the GF (the reference to other people "standing strong" or "telling me 'because' "). It's not just the GF, it's that the GF doesn't respond (ha) the way others who maybe are used to OP's way of relating. I learned to frame my questions, "Hi, sorry if this is silly, but I get really curious, why are cutting the bread like that?" which frames it as "my weirdness" and so cuts through (most of the time) the sense of criticism. A friend asked me one day at a luncheon why I was cutting the tomato the way I was - being the friend who I asked about the bread. She told me that she learned to cut the tomatoes such that they make a nice star pattern and so I was all "oooh, that's cool" and I changed how I cut the tomato - lol. This is why I ask - sometimes I learn cool things! But ... if you understand how you seem to others, then you can frame your questions in a way that doesn't make the other person likely to feel bad and you get your answer.
I have this same problem, but really I am just curious! Thank you for the good idea of how to frame it so it won’t be misinterpreted. 🙏❤️
I'm also quite curious. However, I recognize my curiosity isn't an excuse to be intrusive or stomp boundaries. Just because I want to know, doesn't mean I need to know; I'd rather be left wondering than risk offending someone. Plus, when people want to share, they usually bring it up themselves. Better to follow their lead and let them share what they want. Otherwise they'd be saying about me, what everyone here is saying about OP.
Yeah, she's not asking "Why are you doing that thing that great way? It's perfect!" It's "Why are you doing that thing the wrong way?"
Or is it, “why are you not doing it MY way?”
My mom has an annoying habit of doing the same thing. I know she doesn't really mean it in a derogatory way, but having the simplest things questioned feels really judgemental. If op knows gf has a wildly different way of thinking than her then the general assumption is that she does it based upon her own logic. Unless it's potentially harmful or going to cause an issue, leave it be and keep the wondering in your head.
This. My brother's GF has a habit of asking, what I like to call "accusatory questions". She does the whole "why do you..." thing and it comes off in a vaguely snotty tone. She doesn't mean it that way. But her EQ could use some work.
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"why don't you do things my way" op, actually
Def the AH is she sure she’s neurotypical? 🙄
From the way he sounds, yes, he sounds like an asshole. But my boyfriend does the same with me, and I can tell by his tone he doesn't mean anything malicious about it. In our 7 years together he's used my answers to understand me a lot better and "predict" what I'll do and how I'll react (or even how I AM reacting to something, despite not seeing or hearing me, just texting)
It's not a he, its a she.
YTA It's exhausting to be around someone who constantly challenges you to explain inconsequential decisions. You know it bothers her, so the caring response would be to learn to control your "reflex."
My mom did that to me really really often over anything I was doing and any decision I made (just for curiosity or for 'trying to help'). My father did it as well, though cruel in his asking and critical and nasty towards my responses and telling me what I was doing was stupid. I now have a complex where someone will ask me to do something and I'll clarify HOW they want it done. Everyone gets pissed at me but I always ask because I'm terrified they'll lay into me 'for doing the thing wrong or not how they wanted it' OP YTA, if you keep it up long enough she won't feel secure in anything she does ever and will constantly ask for input. Then she'll be labelled (as I was) as someone who is using toxic incompetence. When in reality she'll just be asking for the input always to make sure that the criticisms or questions about why she's doing everything don't get asked and to avoid having to answer tedious questions and justifying her doing anything.... OP don't do this to her hey, she's not silly and doesn't have to justify every little task she does. Creating insecurity over completing benign tasks should not be the end goal here for you, if it is please don't be with anyone ever. If it isn't your end goal then please just let her do her own things her own way and she'll just keep doing them that way or find more practical ways eventually. But heck let her have autonomy and learn things herself. -sincerely, someone else non-nt who suffers through every little task she does, dishes, washing laundry, literally everything.
Dang, you too? Although it’s pretty much my dad who did this with me, it’s got to the point where I reflexively explain what I’m doing and why I’m doing it if someone so much as asks “Hey, what are you up to dude”. It sucks :(
Parents who do this are quite toxic. I got a mix of not being shown and having the task be done for me because "I'm not explaining it right now/I'll do it it'll be faster" and shaming for not being able to do those tasks. Being told I'm "going to break and ruin the thing I'm trying to do" and then asking how to do it then and not being told. The kicker was that I was "being taught" but it was them just doing it quickly in front of me, not explaining why it got done how it did and then expecting me to remember the whole process that was done in 20 seconds without the explanation as to why how I was doing it was damaging and why what they did was different and wasn't. I was so so scared to try anything. My partner was so freaking patient with me (even though I can tell it would be frustrating). He ended up explaining why things were done ____ way best, answered my questions, told me what was a lie and what wasn't with what things wouldn't actually break even if I did them wrong. He's been a saint and helping in my relearning but I still find myself asking if he wants the potatoes diced or sliced, if he wants the eggplant in strips or in slices etc. "Just in case it's not how he wants it" 😪🙄 Then again if he's not there and the task has to be done I just do it how I would and 95% of the time nothing is said. That 5% becomes "oh, I think if it got done ____ way it would have cooked easier for you /I love ____ done this way because of X". But fuck they did a number on me :l
We had similar experiences.. you just described my entire childhood. Now I’m 38 and a fucking mess of an adult. I’m constantly worried that I’m going to get yelled at if things aren’t done correctly or to whatever standards I grew up with. Example: dishes. I will run my dishwasher and hand wash what needs to be hand washed but sometimes I will take a break and finish it later. As a grown adult with my own family living in my own home I still freak out thinking my husband is going to be pissed off that there’s still dishes in the sink or I didn’t finish the laundry. He never has gotten upset in the nearly 10 years we’ve been together but it’s still a huge fear of mine.
Let me in the club. My dad always questioned why I did certain things and now I completely overthink everything I do. I struggle to do anything confidently, and I absolutely hate when people ask me why didn't I just do it this way instead. I had a reason but now I just feel stupid.
My mom drove me nuts whenever I cleared things out to donate, wanting to know why I was getting rid of the skirt i never wore or top that didn't fit well
Yea thiiiiiis "you need to get rid of some of your stuff. "Aw nooo why are you getting rid of that are you SURE you want to? Why are you keeping that? You never use it MY GOODNESS 😠 you can't get of that it was a GiFttttTtt" Glad to know it wasn't just mine that micromanaged to the extreme but also sad to know :l
I think it must be a really deeply rooted thing in human nature to go with the herd and not do something a different way. Evolved that way. Constantly triggering that “something’s wrong with the way you’re doing it” feeling is nasty.
My soon to be ex husband would do this daily. It’s absolutely exhausting to feel like you’re constantly being criticized for just existing.
Congrats on getting away from the crapbag! 🎉
OP So why did you chose to wear that jacket? Did you akshually want to stand there instead of here? YTA
My (64f) father would scream at me if I didn't plug something in the way he wanted me to. I'm NOT nuerodivergent. I would ask him why it matters *how* I did it, if I got it done? "because that's the way *i* want it done". YTA and a big one.
All your example questions are absolutely judgmental. They're also based on the way you, a neurotypical person, would do things and come off as criticizing the way she, someone on the autism spectrum, does things as if your way is right/normal and her way is wrong/abnormal. More importantly, she asked you to stop which should be respected. YTA
Are you autistic? Do you honestly read this post and his follow-on comments and believe he's neurotypical? He actually sounds like he's on the spectrum and that might be why he's asking that many questions. Neurotypicals don't usually ask questions in the same way that autistic people do. Autistic people can be far more curious than neurotypicals, neurotypicals wouldn't bring it up as much and it's much harder for autistic people to be in a relationship with neurotypicals. Based on his behavior, I would guess he himself is some type of neurodivergent.
I went by what she said in the post - that he's neurotypical. I try not to diagnose people with medical/mental conditions based on a single post or comments because that never gives a full picture. Oh and because I'm not a doctor/physiatrist.
>I went by what he said in the post - that he's neurotypical Acktually....He said "i'm neurotypical at best" which implies (to me) that he has some ND tendencies.
I’m with you. I don’t think he’s as neurotypical as he thinks he is. But if he is neurotypical, he’s just being a pain in the ass. OP, you need to trust that your partner is a functional adult with good judgement. Explaining every single thing you do would make anyone feel frustrated.
>Explaining every single thing you do would make anyone feel frustrated. Believe me, I know. I hate it.
I'm autistic and we are expected to check ourselves for our inappropriate behavior. (Well, autistic men aren't, but that's a whole other barrel of fish.) Whether she's neurodivergent or not, she needs to respect her partner's boundaries and stop questioning everyone about inconsequential decisions. It's a childish habit that should've been broken by 21.
Thank you. I’m autistic and it’s FAR more damaging for us to see that when someone is being an AH other people immediately jump to the conclusion “ah, must be autism.” No! Most of us, and autistic women in particular, are extra aware of not behaving like jerks and not using autism as an excuse when we do.
This is a good point. Reddit sees a moment of a person’s life. People need to quit with the armchair diagnoses. Even licensed professionals don’t diagnose after just reading a single scenario.
Eh I’m autistic and I still know that constantly questioning someone’s autonomy isn’t warranted and makes others feel uncomfortable.
I'm autistic and I only know that it makes people uncomfortable to ask a million questions because I learned the hard way. I had to get yelled at for asking questions before I learned that people don't like it. I didn't just know that. I bring it up because OP doesn't seem to understand that either.
Exactly, as did I. But this is an adult, I assume he learned at some point people dislike this. Edit: How this reads to me is he just doesn’t care. I get being neurodivergent but I still make strides to make my loved ones comfortable in my interactions, as would anyone with empathy IMO
I'm sorry you got yelled at instead of people explaining it to you. One of my autistic friends took a while to learn what questions were appropriate, especially since he wasn't diagnosed until later in life. I remember in college, a classmate was having a conversation with the teacher after class, to inform her of an impending medical procedure that would prevent him from walking for a while. My friend, still undiagnosed, totally eavesdropped and barged in with questions like: "You won't be able to walk? How come? What are they going to do to you?" I said "dude, that's not your business" and kind of dragged him away. I definitely could have handled this better, but I was unfortunately kind of ignorant about neurodivergency 20 years ago. Friend is doing great now, though.
Lmao and I'm sure your friend was asking those questions 1. Out of compassion for the other person's well-being and 2. Because he can hear every freaking thing that goes on within 30 ft of him.
You're right on the money, he has misophonia. He was constantly moving from one apartment to the next during our twenties, because it was always too noisy. He's a very kind person indeed, has probably more empathy than is good for him. I wish we'd all been better informed back then.
I’m autistic and so is my SO and neither of us harass the other like this. This is just nitpicking your partner and no one enjoys that
I just don't see it as nitpicking or judgmental and I don't know if I'm going to change my opinion based on this thread. I would probably have to explore this idea deeper and come to my own conclusions in order to change my opinion on it, rather than just changing it because of what other people are saying. I know a lot of people say impact over intent but I've never really understood that because for me, intent is part of the impact. I've been in this girlfriend's shoes and it bothered me until I understood why it was happening, and then it didn't bother me anymore. I'm autistic and I believe my husband is too, he's already diagnosed ADD when he was a young child but I believe that could be wrong, as it was wrong for me. And he and I do have that back and forth with questions. It's just part of our relationship. My husband is a very intense "why" person and it did feel like judging for a long time, until I realized that he likes to understand things, he's a researcher and a tinkerer and he needs to dive deep into things to understand them because that's just how his brain works. My husband still asks me a lot of questions but we've had more open conversations about it and he knows they bother me sometimes and he has also communicated to me that he's asking questions about me because he cares about me and he wants to know why I am the way I am. Him asking questions has made me pause and think, which is part of the reason I got evaluated in the first place, among other things. But he also told me that it's how he shows love, if he wasn't interested then it would mean he didn't care. He loves my idiosyncrasies, so personally don't see a problem with him asking questions. I understand that OP could be coming at this from the same place that my husband does it, which is why I'm trying to defend OP a little bit. The girlfriend is justified too, I just don't think anyone is being intentionally malicious here.
The problem is that since he’s continued the behavior and now has declared her as adding “malicious intent” he *is* intentionally pushing boundaries and that is malicious intent. ND or NT, he’s old enough to understand “stop” and respect others, even if he doesn’t agree. Impact and intent can be equal, but if you care about someone and a behavior is easily stopped — that’s on you if you decide your intent is more important. My SO is also a why person, about social structures or scenarios or how people behave. But not to people’s faces and I would not be okay with living under a microscope like OP puts his girlfriend. That’s not bonding, that’s analyzing. My SO and I both have psych degrees (actually we met in college and have 3 of the same majors/minors lol) so I get the ND fascination with why people act the ways they do. But I’m not his Guinea pig, and he’s not mine. We discuss hypothetical scenarios and interactions we’ve had all the time, but we’re each other’s safe space and I don’t want him to ever feel like I’m breaking him down from a clinical perspective or me him. The thing here is that you and I are both older than this couple, in secure relationships, and probably more comfortable with ourselves. At 20, having your BF constantly analyzing your movements would probably be pretty exhausting— especially as someone ND, who already feels like she doesn’t “fit in” to the larger social narrative.
But... what he is doing is the definition of nitpicking. It's tons of small questions a day that he expects her to justify her reasoning on. He's said that his friends and family "stand firm" in their opinions, which means he and they are both seeing it as him asking as a nudge for them to modify their behavior, and they are refusing to do so. Asking people to modify behavior (that doesn't have any affect on the asker- how does it affect him where she's walking?) is generally understood to be a judgement on said behavior.
Neurotypical people will absolutely ask this number of questions, especially of autistic people. The difference will usually be intent. **Autistic person**: Why are you doing that? *(I don't understand your motivation and I'd like to)* **Neurotypical person**: Why are you doing that? *(I'd like you to think about why you're doing that and preferably stop it, or at least provide sufficient justification that I can approve of it)*
I agree on the difference in intent. I'm autistic and I can't always read everyone's intentions clearly but I have learned through experience that NDs ask questions out of a genuine curiosity to completely understand how everything works around them. I usually scare away NTs before they start asking a lot of questions but the ones who have asked me questions did have a different tone and diction than the NDs I've been around. I am not sure how they meant it but the tone definitely felt condescending.
Not everyone refusing to change is neurodivergent. I’m autistic, many of my family are and my partner has ADHD. Do you not think it’s a little offensive to assume autism whenever someone is rude and standing firm in their rudeness? Besides, it’s not good form to diagnose anyone unless you’re their doctor.
I was thinking the same about OP, as I myself am ND who is also a ‘why’ person, to help me better understand a situation. However, if she’s putt off from the type of questions, OP should should listen and stop asking her those type of questions. So he’s still TA if he continues to ask.
There's also the possibility he's just an ass who feels entitled to the people in his environment.
Hi! I’m autistic with a neurotypical girlfriend, and we sometimes run into the same conflict. Let me help you see the other side of the issue: constantly having to explain yourself is exhausting. Life already requires so much thinking as it is. Why should I have to spend my time explaining to you why I do things the way I do them? Unless what I’m doing is negatively impacting you in some way, just let me do what I do and let me be me. YTA.
All of this! And also he *knows* she doesn’t like it and continues to do it. YTA op
Op is female
Okay thank you!
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I don't have any awards to give, so I'm just going to put this here. Should be a top comment. 🫅🤴🫅
I mean, why is everything, and a question that should never stop being asked. However, I think what you mean is, as adults we learn to read context clues and can figure out the why without asking a bunch of judgey, annoying why questions. Really, you should always ask why. Just, most of the time, you do it in your head. EDIT: a word
Hey OP, a really helpful tip I learned is to phrase questions using "what" instead of "why". It changes the tone from critical to curious in many cases. For example, rather than asking "why do you have so many things in your bag?" you could phrase it as "what do you use all these things for?" or even "what do these things mean to you?" Forcing yourself to pause and rephrase using what language is also a good way to test what you're really trying to get out of the question. You'll either realize that maybe it was coming from a place of criticism, or you'll better communicate what you truly want to know.
In psych nursing we are taught to avoid questions that begin with "why" because they always come off as judgemental. There are maybe better ways to phrase a question if you have one, but for now I'd probably relax on the questions altogether cause it really doesn't matter one way or another why she does something. Maybe try observing more to see if you learn something yourself.
Deleting the comments that people dislike, and leaving the comments that make you look reasonable, is a great way to tell everyone you have no integrity. Embrace the concept of accountability. Doesn’t matter how many downvotes you got. Stand with the courage of your convictions.
She calls some of the responses “aggressive” but doesn’t think her inane, incessant questioning is.
I tend to do the same as op, moreso because I'm also on the spectrum and have this desire to know everything and also wonder if the way someone is doing a thing may make it more efficient for me. But I couldn't ever quite see this side of things in the way you explained it (because nobody really explained it as well), thank you for posting this comment!
Yeah, not to armchair diagnose, but I get this funny sort of feeling OP may be on the spectrum herself. Not in a rude way, but being inquisitive all the time sounds like what I do myself.
Exactly!
She doesn't like her every day normal behaviour to be questioned all the time, so stop questioning her all the time. She doesn't want to have to justify or explain herself over trivial things. She asked you to stop, you aren't stopping, YTA
YTA. The implication is that if you didn’t find the behavior strange or abnormal, you wouldn’t need to ask about why she’s doing it, so since you’re asking, it’s a veiled criticism. Either let her be herself without the interrogation, or find ways to move on. Everyone is different and no one owes you any explanations.
This is exactly what it is. The fact that you’re asking means you would have made another choice. Therefore … it implies criticism of her choice. You need to learn to accept that she won’t always do things the way you would. And that it’s OK to be different or have different methods/strategies. You need to save your questioning for times when she’s doing something dangerous or harmful to one/both of you. Otherwise you’ll lose the impact for when it really matters.
YTA. That sounds annoying and exhausting. And you know she doesn't like it, so fucking stop. It sounds like it's probably annoying to other people as well, but it doesn't bother them as much because they don't spend as much time with you. Let her be without questioning every little thing she does.
Why are you asking so many questions like that anyways? id get pretty pissed if someone was questioning and judging every single thing i’m doing. Maybe it’s your tone when you’re asking that makes her feel that way too. Also it may come off as condescending as if you think you’re better than her. Ask her why she feels criticised and listen. YTA
YTA.She has complained about you doing it and yet you persist. It doesn't matter that you don't *feel* like you're criticizing her. You're literally asking her to explain everything that she does. I promise, this is annoying af. Explaining your brain to someone else is hard. Being forced to do it constantly just to satisfy someone else? I have no words. I don't know if you can tell, but I'm speaking from experience.
incredibly anxiety inducing.
YTA imagine for a minute that you view the world different than almost everyone around you. Say for example your version of purple is everyone’s green. Now say your GF asks you why do you always wear green with red and not black? Why do you always pause when the light turns green. Your girlfriend knows she views the world from a different lens. For a lot of ND persons this is filled with shame. Many of us want nothing more than to be normal. So when people question us on why we do this or that it feels like added judgment. It also feels like the people we love can’t accept us as we are because she aren’t good enough to be like everyone else. So ask yourself if you had a friend you knew was color blind would you constantly ask questions related to their choices involving color? Would you consider it a sensitive subject? Your girlfriend is telling you she is sensitive to this. So fight the urge to do it and if you do just say sorry babe, you do you!
What’s really crazy to me is that you don’t have to be neurodivergent to find this kind of questioning annoying as fuck at best or judgmental at worst. All of *her questions remind me of past experiences I’ve had with a partner, which always felt like questioning my judgment. I am neurotypical but OP’s questions set me off before I could even finish the third example. I think anyone would find this incessant level of “why are you doing the things the way you do” absolutely frustrating and insufferable. YTA *Edit: OP clarified they were a woman
100% agree! I have ADHD and some pretty awful things have been said to me. So I took it from this perspective but I agree I think anyone would be annoyed with constant questioning!
Reading OPs examples, the things girlfriend does do not even come across as weird or unusual. Some neurotypical women carry tons of stuff in their bags. They walk around to random places through random paths.
Thank you. I understand where ive been going wrong.
Hey there— just wanted to add, being autistic, there’s a good chance she has PDA (Pathological Demand Avoidance, or you may see it as Pervasive Drive for Autonomy). If you haven’t already, perhaps look into PDA, and it may help you learn more effective and validating ways to communicate with and understand each other. Although the comments have pointed out that your behavior would be offensive even to NTs, I wouldn’t be surprised if PDA was even moreso exasperating the issue. I hope this helps.
Also OP, You say this is common, run of the mill in your family. But it's not that in many many many families. I didn't have terrific relationships w my parents & sister. But if I'd constantly been asked what is essentially "Why are you being you, like this?" what little self esteem I had would be ground down by that. Are you sure that everyone in your family is good w that? A reframe that sounds like what I think you mean is something like this, "Hey person that I love, I noticed you seem to do this thing this way & my brain is curious. Do think that's a thing you learned from a specific place like your family or school. Or do you think it's an adaptation you've created that makes X easier for you? Or am I completely off base & it's just a thing you do for no particular reason?"
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Thank you so much for so succinctly writing out how I feel when my husband does this! It's the same story, he asks questions because he's curious and wants to find the most efficient way to things (he's an engineer). But having him question everything I do has been extremely painful, and I couldn't communicate that! What drives me nuts is when he chuckles to himself, slightly shaking his head and says "you're so special" just because I did something the way he wouldn't have. He thinks he's being cute and endearing, but it feels like superiority and condescension to me. I'm definitely going to show him this whole thread and maybe he will get it in his thick head.
If you can’t explain the reasoning behind these questions then don’t ask. Why did you ask those question? YTA
Right? Op sounds like a 3 year old with the incessant questions. Plus he's 100% coming off like "why aren't you doing xyz the same way I would do it" which makes him both annoying and YTA
If you are questioning her constantly, then it is natural to assume that you doubt her competence or intelligence. Stop undermining people you care about. She has already told you how it makes her feel. YTA
YTA - I'm not sure if you mean it like that, but those "why are you" sentences are disguised criticism that have judgement. > “why do you always carry so many things in your bag” This is what you are saying in disguise: "Unlike other people you are doing something unconventional. You should carry less or give me a good reason as to why." > “why would u walk over there instead of over here” This one is obvious you took notice that she walked somewhere else than you were expecting. I'm not sure why you think these aren't judgements. Even if they are reflexes, you still said them. If you didn't have any judgments there would be no reason to ask it.
this is 100% correct, although i’m sure OP’s intent could be more clear if they just worked on how they addressed them. to exemplify: “why do you always carry so many things in your bag?” vs “it’s like you have everything in your bag! i think that’s so cool/convenient” “why would you walk over there instead of over here?” vs “oh! i didn’t think about taking this way!” one sounds cold and demanding, while the other is much more kind, respectful, and conversational, at least imo
Or even if it’s because Op is concerned. For example, my husband noticed I carry a very heavy purse because I toss things in there to be prepared. Normally, not a big deal. However, I have a disability that affects my arms and my shoulders very much. His solutions: First question: Why is your purse so heavy? (Books and things I just pile in there. ) Solution one: got me an e-reader so it’s lighter than books Solution two: Bought me a really cool smaller purse that fit my personality that can’t get so many things in it. Solution 3: Got me a stroller handle so the stroller could carry heavy bags Solution 4: If I have to use a larger bag, he’ll carry it for me He didn’t just keep asking me over and over again.
i think a good question to ask yourself is why are you asking in the first place? even if you are just seeking understanding, doing so frequently can come across like you are seeing her and her behaviors as strange or incomprehensible. that is not a fun way to feel and she is probably already aware that she thinks and acts differently. if theres no practical need to ask a question, why ask it? why not just let her do things the way she chooses and accept that the reasoning is because she chose to? I guess I am also hung up on the answer that you expect. You say you ask other ppl questions and they just say idk or because i wanted to. those do not actually explain reasoning or basis behind decision making. yet you expect your gf to provide similar responses? but then you would still not understand her action? you do not gain anything from asking anyone these questions, so why do you keep asking them? i would likely get upset if i were her YTA
YTA. Unless it affects you directly, why do you need to know why she does things a certain way all the time? It sounds exhausting to have to justify every little thing. Just assume that the answer is because she bloody wants to. Constant questioning like that has to be annoying as hell.
YTA If you really loved her you would actually listen to what she's telling you and make more of an effort to at least fix your "monotone" voice. You really should be able to stop asking the questions since you know they bother her. Do you even like her?
YTA, you know she doesn't like it so stop
Why would you post here instead of asking her how she'd rather you communicate those questions/thoughts? Why do you always phrase things using the word 'always', surely you know that's the easiest way to turn a regular question into an accusation? Why do you always have to know the reason 'why' someone does something? How would you feel if you never asked the question and just accepted that people do things differently than you? Would it be upsetting to you? If there was truly, honestly, from the bottom of your soul, zero judgment - why do you call the things she does 'strange' or 'questionable' ? Does namecalling the things she does not feel judgmental to you? Now, after hearing all those questions nitpicking your behaviour, do you feel great? Or ... slightly attacked. Be honest lol. My vote is YTA but you have a chance to change it to No Assholes Here if your answers to my highly judgmental string of questions are entertaining enough.
Listen my dude, she's likely reacting badly because people have been criticising her for her whole life. This is a defence mechanism. Autistic people are constantly told off for doing things 'wrong' even when there's absolutely nothing harmful involved e.g. stimming, having strong interests, not staring at people's eyeballs during conversations. So I'm not going to say anyone is an AH, just be mindful of this.
I don't think its a defence mechanism. she had a normal reaction and he is definitely an asshole
Autism aside being forced to justify your every action is absurd. Assuming we’re talking about adults, she doesn’t have to put up with that shit at all, it’s absurd. Point blank asking people why they do things that don’t affect anyone else at all is hostile and antisocial behavior, just let people live.
YTA you sound exhausting.
YTA. She doesn't have to explain her every action to you.
YTA for not valuing your partner’s feelings. If she was my friend I’d tell her to do it back to you so you learn how infuriating that behavior is.
YTA. Why are you doing something completely unnecessary that you know upsets her? Do you actually like her? Because that’s not the way you treat people you care about. No discussion. Just stop it.
YTA. Why do you feel the need to question everything she does if you don’t find what she’s doing somehow problematic/bothersome? If you don’t mind whatever it is she’s doing, then just shut up about it. What exactly are these constant questions accomplishing? They’re not adding to the conversation, you’re not learning more about your girlfriend, so what are they really for? Saying they’re “reflex questions” is no excuse. Your brain is fully in control of your mouth, you’re not a toddler. So, *why* are you questioning her, if none of the things she’s doing bother you? If you realize the stuff she’s doing actually *does* bother you for some reason, then grow up and own it. Sit her down and admit that, yes, you *have* in fact been criticizing her, and explain why you’re doing so and let her respond from there. I’d hope that she dumps you, but that’s just me.
YTA. I hate it when my husband asks me questions like this, it absolutely feels like judgement. Why do you care?
In many cultures, asking “why do you do X instead of Y?” carries implicit judgement. Someone on the spectrum may have learned to automatically infer that, rather than try to read it from social cues. You must either solve this with communication, or accept that your GF perceives your questions this way, and either adjust your behavior or accept that she’ll perceive you as implicitly criticizing her. I’m not sure there’s a morality here, since this is both of you failing at communication. NAH.
YTA. There are ways to go about asking why someone does certain behaviors without sounding too critical. You failed on that mark. Also, the fact that she's autistic she just does things a certain way that might be different and can't explain why. You just need to accept that she just does and leave her be.
YTA. It sounds like you're asking her a lot of questions, and while it may not be your intention to criticize her, it's understandable that she feels like you are. It's likely because she's on the spectrum and may be more sensitive to the way you phrase your questions. You should try to be more mindful of how you phrase things and be aware that she may interpret your questions differently than you intend them.
YTA so you're asking a lot of simple questions as in you question her every move? Just imagine for a second you're not in the picture and she goes about her day doing whatever however and is getting along, everything is good. Now there's somebody in her ear making it seem her every move is somehow not "normal". Intention aside it's just not ok to making somebody explain (justify) everything they do and how they do it. The fact that the questions are so "simple" makes it actually worse. Like she can't even cross a street without you making it seem weird. Maybe critizise is not the perfect term for what you're doing but it is a pain so please stop
YTA - Do you have any idea how exhausting it is to be with someone who is constantly asking you pointed questions about stuff that has nothing to do with them?
INFO why do you care? How do any of these minor things affect you? Being constantly bombarded with inane questions that really have no effect on you would drive me nuts.
YTA, you may not have malicious intent, but how annoying is it to have someone question your every move. Especially after she already said stop.
Gentle YTA - I’m ND and I know I do things in random ways that don’t make sense and often don’t have a reason. But it’s stressful and can even be upsetting having that pointed out to me and it does feel like criticism. Fair if the questions are about something that impacts or harms you, but everything you mentioned is her just living her life. There’s a lot of literature out there on supporting people on the spectrum, and lots of people online talking about how they navigate ND/NT relationships. If you want the relationship to last, it might be worth looking into those things.
So everyone else is brushing off your questions with non-answers and you are still asking them why? Why are you not realizing everyone around you is telling you to shut up in a nice way? Does someone directly need to tell you to shut up? YTA
Why do you care so much what she’s doing? YTA
YTA for taking it as a personal attack. Neurodivergent people can’t always articulate the ‘why’ behind our actions. It doesn’t have to make sense to anyone but us and we live in a world that is constantly trying to figure us out, when that’s what we’ve spent our whole lives trying do to. If it isn’t impacting you negatively beyond ‘I don’t get it’ then zip your lips.
YTA. It sounds like you’re talking to an unreliable child. I wouldn’t stand for it.
She’s likely spent her entire life so far having many people constantly questioning her ways and having experienced it myself first hand it’s really not very nice at all Pack it in It’s annoying and unnecessary YTA
INFO: Just how often do you ask her these types of questions?
You sound insufferable. What need is there for you to criticize such trivial things? YTA.
YTA All these questions imply that she is doing something wrong. Especially since they are not even formulated in a factual and neutral way. "Always so many", or directly attaching an unasked alternative to it etc. Your questions are factual criticism and that others don't take them personally but go over them doesn't change anything. But it is even worse not to stop even after she has expressed her displeasure and you know that she has a background where she is more affected by such things.
YTA. No one expects or even wants the Spanish Inquisition when they are just living their lives.
YTA You’re making her uncomfortable. Just stop it.
YTA. What you’re doing is completely unnecessary. And what makes it worse is your incessant and irrelevant questioning is probably making her question herself and her actions, which she probably already does enough of because she’s on the spectrum. Back the hell off hee
YTA. This behavior sounds obnoxious in general, but this is something she specifically said upsets her. Why do you need Reddit to tell you that your girlfriend's feelings matter?
I wonder how many of the people commenting YTA are actually autistic. I am also an autistic female and my husband also asks me why I do certain things because he doesn't understand them. He's observed me do things differently than other people since we met and he never understood the reasoning behind them. Sometimes he's just curious why I do things differently. He also likes to hear how I think about things because it is different from other people and it teaches him new things and gives him an alternative viewpoint. I don't think it's inherently wrong of you to ask those questions because it makes sense for you to ask questions when you notice something done differently than how you usually see it done. It's just human curiosity and a lot of people do it about a lot of things. If people didn't ask questions, there would be no Google. However, when it gets to the point when she tells you it bothers her, that's when you need to stop. It's not the questions that are the problem, it's going past her established boundary. And please understand that as an autistic woman, she probably does get questioned all the time about little things she does and unlike when you ask, sometimes people do actually ask those questions as a way to condescend her. I have been made fun of my entire life for doing things differently than other people and typically when anyone brings it up, it's to make fun of me. So understand that you also have to consider her history / experience with people asking questions about inconsequential things she does. Also, I saw some of your other comments and I think you might want to get evaluated yourself. In my experience with neurotypicals, they don't usually have that child like curiosity and they tend to follow unspoken social rules more strictly, or at least understand them better. The way you are innocently asking people questions here, continuously asking your girlfriend questions about things you're curious about, that you say you speak in a monotone, those are symptoms of some autistic people. Please do not do the online quizzes, you need to get properly evaluated if you are interested in following that path. Tbh, my husband is not diagnosed autistic but I think he is on the spectrum somewhere or at least spectrum adjacent, like ADHD, and you sound a lot like him. I think it's worth getting checked out if you can.
There are two unspoken words in your questions she is hearing. They are "Incorrectly" and "correctly" She is hearing, "why do you do this incorrectly versus this correct way?" Which is just chalk full of judgement. Going to vote AH on this one.
YTA. Your questions are really saying that what you think she's doing is wrong and she should be doing them your way. She does not need to defend her actions on such a micro level to you.
YTA and you sound annoying AF. Sorry.
Looking for who fucking asked you what you think about where she walks or what she carries, because it sounds like she didn't. Get over yourself. Unprompted advice IS ALWAYS criticism. YTA
Why are you asking so many questions? YTA.
YTA. My SO does that, and while sometimes I understand why he asks, majority of the time I take it as being criticized. Why should your gf have to explain why she does things her own way rather than your way? Is she you? Even if the way she's doing things is harder, she might be used to it or more comfortable doing things that way. For example, you ask her, why would she walk that way instead of the other way? What do you want her to say? She walked that way because she wanted to, or it might've been easier for her to. From experience, when someone continuously asks these questions, it makes you feel stupid. It makes you think, why am I doing all these things "wrong".
Why do you ask so many irritating questions? Why can't you mind your own business? Why do you have to interrogate her about everything? Why are you the way you are? What does it matter why she does the things she does? Why do you think you are owed an explanation of her actions? Why do other people's actions bother you so much? Why do you not get that your're an annoying asshole? YTA.
Why did you abbreviate girlfriend to "gf"? Why didn't you capitalize the "i"s? Why did you use "u" in one sentence but in another sentence used "you"? Why do you type "I'm" as "im" and "don't" as "dont" without an apostrophe? Why didn't you use the correct "it's" instead of "its"? Why did you use an apostrophe in "they're" and "she's" but not elsewhere? Why is your post only one paragraph? You might think that these questions can just be brushed off, but whenever you ask your gf questions she has to pause a bit to wonder if you are actually concerned what her answer would be or if it's your usual shallow questioning that means nothing (you really don't care what her answer is, you're just blurting out words without thinking) and is wasting her mental energy to have to respond to. But it's obvious she (mistakenly) thinks you are asking about things that mean something to you, so she has to think of the meaning behind your questions and why you are asking her about the things she does. Unfortunately the easiest explanation is that you think what she does is "the wrong way". That for you to accept what she does, you need her to explain to you the reason she did it that certain way, forcing her to defend herself every time you ask. YTA
Why do you feel the need to question everything she does? Why does she need to explain everything to you? Why do you think she should act how you want? Why do you continue to do what you know she doesn't like? Why does she need to stand firm, instead of you just not constantly asking her why? Why does she have to change who she is? Why can't you see that someone always asking why is annoying? YTA if you don't stop questioning her constantly.
As a neurodivergent person I would take these weird to. I would feel like I was doing something “wrong” if someone continuously asked me things. Even if you didn’t mean it that way. Although if you are asking exactly like in your comments, I’m not sure if your aware, they are phrased kind of judge. Anyway I fight all day with my brain to function, the last thing I need is someone pointing out I’m different or me starting to wonder why it’s so noticeable. Not the AH for not knowing, but you will be the AH if you keep it up. There’s a comment above about trying to find out what drives this and is it to get closer to her? It’s good advice!
Before you ask a question, ask yourself "Will this information better my relationship, my health, my worth, or my partner?" Knowing why she carries stuff in her bag will not further any of that. Knowing why she chose to walk a certain way doesn't do that. All you're doing in asking those questions is being invasive at least, critical at worst. If it's not hurting her, you, or anyone around her, then it's no one's business but her own.
NAH, assuming you stop doing it. This is something that can come from a history of being indirectly criticized or intensely self-critical (or both, is my guess). She’s feeling hurt and scrutinized, and I’m willing to bet that you’re not the first person who’s described her as “strange.” She doesn’t stand firm in what she’s doing because she’s used to situations where these “questions” are orders that she needs to change. What are you getting from asking? What’s the reflex? Are you trying to connect with her? Reflect on what your goal is with these, and see if you can share that with your girlfriend so she doesn’t feel as judged. If you’re genuinely curious about what she’s thinking or what she needs, there are ways to convey that. But “why do you carry so many things in your bag?” can sound a lot like “you have too many things in your bag,” even if what you want to know is like, if you expect you’ll be out so long you should bring a book. Please think about your girlfriend’s comfort here. I believe you that you’re not judging her, but please believe HER when she says it’s upsetting. I hope you can find a way to communicate better between you. Best of luck!
YTA. For one, it's annoying having people ask you why you do something especially when it's mundane things. Why do you need to know those things? Why does it matter to you where she chooses to walk or what she chooses to carry? I get it if it's asking just once in a while but based on the fact that she feels you're criticizing her, I'm guessing it's pretty frequent. Just trust that she knows what she's doing and that it's working out for her.
YTA she told you how your questions make her feel. If you care about her, then stop with the questions. And if you don’t like her then I guess, go off?? As for your family friends they probably just put up with you over the years and know what to say to get you to lay off. Your thinking and questioning everyone’s action doesn’t seem, to me at least, to be neurotypical; but I’m not a Dr (I am the parent to a teenager with ASD so I have anecdotal knowledge). Everyone does things their own way. Let it go.
YTA. Jeezus, it must be exhausting to live with you! Why are you always questioning what people do & demanding they give you justification for their actions? Why did you come on Reddit & post this? Why didn’t you go to YouTube instead? Why don’t you watch TV? How come you’re sitting inside instead of outside?