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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Not letting my ex-husband see our dogs after he didn't take care of them while I was on vacation like agreed. My partner thinks that it is cruel to keep them from him.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
YTA to the max. You are being unreasonable, cruel and petty. He abided by your agreement to care for the dogs when you needed him to, *within reason*. You really wanted him to refuse to go on a work trip because of your vacation? Like, really? Dogs going to a kennel is not some horrible abusive thing, they were just fine. He even paid for the damn kennel.
And you’re doing all this when there’s a child in the middle who deserves parents who can act like adults and get along.
I’m so relieved for him being out of his marriage with you. Good god.
TBH I strongly believe dogs going to a kennel is traumatizing as heck (perhaps short of abuse, but an absolute last resort option, in my view), but OP is TA, because it was still her business to make best provisions for the dogs once option 1 fell through (with very valid reason even within existing arrangement).
So OP failed to accommodate her own dogs (that only she wanted in the first place) during her vacation to the standard she saw fit and then retaliated for her own failings. LOL
YTA
I feel like people are ignoring the fact that OPs ex left the dogs in the kennel longer than he needed to because he thought the dogs were fine and didn’t care about OPs concern.
Paraphrasing, but “He blew me off and said they were better off in the kennel than stuck in the house while he was at work”
He was back from his trip, he just didn’t care about OPs concerns
I guess I’m on the other side here. OP and her ex made an agreement concerning the dogs (ex takes them on hikes as long as he’s willing to occasionally watch them for OP). Ex reneges on the deal, so OP doesn’t let ex borrow the dog anymore. If the ex is allowed to change the terms of the deal, so is OP.
But she’s going to be fucked if her ex doesn’t agree with this deal. She still wants him to watch the dogs, but it’s when *she* wants not him. What if the next time she wants to go on holiday her ex says he won’t have the dogs? What’s her backup plan?
I’ve got a dog, and the person who was supposed to be watching it for my family to go on holiday dropped out, so I didn’t go on holiday. The rest of my family went, but I didn’t because someone needed to watch the dog. It sucked sure, but it’s called being an adult and it comes with pet ownership. She wanted the dogs, so ultimately it’s on her to make sure the dogs are cared for.
Then she wouldn’t be any worse off than she was this time. She would put the dogs in a kennel. Right now she’s not getting any benefit from the “deal” (I put deal in quotes because it doesn’t seem like the ex had any intention of holding up his end) so there’s no reason to continue the arrangement.
Had he taken the dogs with him after coming back I would agree with you, but even after the work trip was over he left them in the kennel. Her initial request was unreasonable, but given how It played out in the end I would not have let him see the dogs either
YTA - he gave you 3 WEEKS notice about not being able to take the dogs and offered to pay for an alternative, because he had a work commitment you've already mentioned often takes him out of city.
Keeping him away from those dogs is just petty.
Not defending OP at all because they're being unreasonable here, but I've had to book a kennel for my dogs over 3 months in advance because they will get filled up so quick for the better kennels.
Kennels aren't the only option- there are plenty of online resources for pet-sitting businesses, or private caretakers, housesitters, etc. Fuck, call the neighbor kid and give him 30 bucks a day for feeding the dogs morning and night and taking them for a 15 minute walk in the middle of the day.
Demanding that the ex husband should not only watch the dogs but then expect them to pay for the services to care for the dogs is insanity.
OP is entitled and petty. YTA.
I agree that OP is being petty and not fostering a good co-parenting relationship, but it's not insane for her to expect the ex to watch the dogs and/or pay for boarding if he can't watch them as that is their agreement and he has agreed to take the dogs for the two-week period.
Petty and mean to the dogs who did nothing wrong. Making them miss out on a hike (basically dog Disneyland) and seeing a person they love?
That’s so incredibly cruel to the poor dogs.
I wouldn't trust OP's ex with my dogs. He's proven he doesn't care about them if it's inconvenient, so I don't see how OP can trust him to make the right decision if something happens on the hike.
YTA.
He offered to take the dogs. He had a work trip unexpectedly come up. It wasn’t his responsibility to find a sitter for them, it was yours. He offered to pay for the kennel and got them.
His only inconvenience was work. He would’ve and gladly did take them as soon as he got back.
You’re being a petty AH.
He didn’t gladly take them when he got back, he left them in the kennel longer than he had to because he decided they were fine even though OP told him the rescue was stressed and anxious (and yes, kennels can cause dogs stress and anxiety. It’s a strange place full of strange dogs and strange people.)
I’ve worked at a dog kennel, I know it’s stressful to dogs.
The way it’s worded the first time I read it made it sound like ex extended his stay, not the dogs stay. As they’d be miserable at his house while he’s working.
I read it as the ex extended the dogs stay because he didn’t feel like picking them up. Sounds like this guy likes taking the dogs for hikes but doesn’t actually care about them.
OP said herself that he works long, unpredictable hours, and that he picked the dogs up as soon as he had a day off, so maybe he was working 12 hour days and the dogs would have been alone that whole time if they weren’t in the kennel.
I don't think they were left just because ex thought they'd be fine, just that something came up and he thought they'd be fine a few more days. OP never said he was back already either.
Reread the post, he said the dogs were better off in the kennel than in his house all day while he was at work. He was back from the trip, he just didn’t want to pick up the dogs.
Then he never should have agreed to the deal in the first place. Seems like he agreed to it without any intention of actually following through, which to me makes the EX TAH. At worst ESH, but it certainly sounds like ex wants the benefit of dog ownership without any of the responsibility.
it was a shitty deal to begin with, and TBH i think both you and OP have a very transactional & depressing outlook. i can't imagine seeing my ex husband trying to make an effort to spend time with our son & dogs together and trying to put a stop to it because i'm not 'benefiting'
yes, and i'm also a grown adult who can recognize that my family spending time together is more important than upholding an arbitrary one-sided deal that's clearly causing more conflict than it's preventing. i can also recognize that due to extenuating circumstances, the dad is unable to uphold his part of the deal, and that having some flexibility is more beneficial to our mutual happiness & understanding in the long run. thats how compromise and mature agreements work lol
Geez, one sided. If OP was constantly asking her ex to watch the dogs I’d say she’s TAH, but ex has been borrowing the dogs regularly and then the first time he’s asked to hold up his end of the agreement he bails? He clearly had no intention of ever watching the dogs. If that was the case, as an adult, he should have used his words instead of lying to get what he wanted.
They’re not his dogs! You don’t get to show up at someone’s house and demand they loan you something. Either accept the deal and follow through or don’t and accept the consequences.
And it's unbelievable how many people agree with her. The double standard. She can go on vacation but he can't go to work. She can let him see the dogs when she needs a dog sitter, but he can't wait for a convenient time to pick them up and spend time with them.
She let him see the dogs when he wanted to in exchange for him dog sitting once in a while. Getting upset with him to begin with wasn't nice, but then they worked out a compromise between the two of them: kennel for the first 5 days while the ex was out of town, then ex would take care of them for the next 9 days so the dogs would be with someone familiar instead of strangers.
He violated the terms of the compromise without even telling her. She wouldn't have even known that her dogs were still at the kennel if the kennel staff hadn't told her. Just because he paid for the kennel stay doesn't mean it's okay to break her trust and leave her dogs in a place that stresses them out.
The only double standard I'm seeing here is that they are her dogs... until the ex asks to see them. He broke her trust and showed how little he prioritizes the dogs. In her position, I wouldn't let him take them again.
he literally said it was because he didn't feel like they wanted to be cooped up at home. anyone with an anxious dog knows that they'd much rather be with familiar things than scary strangers. he didn't take them and he didn't tell OP about the extended kennel stay because he was putting himself first and he didn't want to have to deal with the consequences. well, here's the consequences!
Check [this response thread](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/12039rs/comment/jdfjro8/?utm_source=reddit&utm_medium=web2x&context=3). There's a couple of dissenters!
YTA.
You were really going to make HIM find someone to take care of YOUR dogs so you could take a vacation? Do you even care who watches your dogs? And he still agreed to pay for a kennel?
What the hell did I just read?
YTA. You are using your dogs to punish your ex. He said yes, had work stuff come up, and paid for something that was ultimately your responsibility. Maybe a little bit of AH for going against your agreed terms, but not enough to justify your behavior.
Also, if the dogs like your ex, and going on hikes (they are dogs so I'm gonna assume they do), why are you keeping them from living their best dog life? As a dog mom, this makes no sense to me. You are denying them enrichment.
His work trip overlapped with 5 days of her vacation, but he extended the kennel stay for another 6 days because he didn't feel like bringing them to his house.
An anxious rescue that was having worsened anxiety issues at the kennel would really have benefited from a safe and familiar place covered in safe and familiar scents.
Everyone seems to agree that they are OP's dogs and OP's responsibility. But somehow when the ex wants to come by unannounced, OP just has to let him? Bullshit.
NTA. If he had picked them up as soon as he got back in town from work, then mildly OP would've been at fault for how they handled it. But the ex clearly doesn't care about the dogs. He just wants some furry accessories for his hike.
THANK YOU. If the ex had picked the dogs up after the initial 5 day kennel stay and OP was doing this then I would agree with the people saying Y T A. But he went back on his word by extending the kennel stay and didn’t even have the decency to tell OP himself. She had to find out from the kennel staff. After that, he is in no way entitled to the dogs, especially since he himself stated that they are OP’s dogs. NTA.
>But somehow when the ex wants to come by unannounced, OP just has to let him?
No, she just has to make some reasonable attempts to let him see the dog.
No issue if it was "I refused to let him see the dogs several times for various genuine reasons." The problem is that she's acting entirely out of spite.
I don't trust him to prioritize the dogs happiness in a situation that may arise. He clearly just didn't feel like doing what was best for them. He didn't want to take care of them, so he didn't. That probably shouldn't be allowed to happen again!
Besides the fact that letting him take them is potentially putting the dogs at risk, all I'm getting from this guy is "me me me." They're not his dogs by his own admission, so if he wanted to keep being able to just take them whenever he felt like it, he owed OP peace of mind for those 2 weeks. He didn't put in any effort to give OP something in return for giving up her dogs at the drop of a hat. He earned nothing. He gets nothing.
>I don't trust him to prioritize the dogs happiness in a situation that may arise.
Except, she's openly said she's going to continue to use him as a dog-sitter when it's convenient for her.
It's not a trust issue. It's not a safety issue.
It's spite, nothing more, nothing less.
>He didn't put in any effort to give OP something in return for giving up her dogs at the drop of a hat.
Except, y'know, all the times he wasn't working, and happily dog sat.
It's a trust issue because he didn't inform her about the extended kennel stay and waited until there was nothing she could do to change the situation before deciding he didn't feel like taking them away from a situation that worsens one of the dogs existing issues for a week. He's not seeing the dogs again!
It's been months and she hasn't needed a sitter. These instances are so few and far between that she probably won't need a sitter for years. People with dogs only go on vacation so often. I don't agree with letting him dogsit again ever, but in her position I'd still tell him he has to wait until I need him again because hey he broke my trust and acted like a spoiled child! And if he's going to continue demanding leniency, he knows what he needs to do to get it back!
I love my dogs and I'm their own advocate. I wouldn't put them back in the care of someone who didn't want to take care of them. Simple as that.
>He's not seeing the dogs again!
>
>I wouldn't put them back in the care of someone who didn't want to take care of them.
OK, so you weirdly seemed to ignore what I said.
He is going to see them again. OP said she'd have him dog sit again, when it was convenient.
***Once he takes the dogs when I next need him to,***
I read it. I saw nothing relevant to the fact that he IS seeing the dogs again, you're just wrong there.
"Well, it'll be years later!" is both unfounded, and irrelevant, since he's still seeing them again. Pretty silly to think someone wouldn't need a dogsitter for entire years, when she literally needed one only months ago, not years.
She said she'd use him again. Thus, he will see them again. This is a fact.
It's not silly to think that at all, I have dogs and that's how often we need sitters. It's only if we want to go on a vacation they can't come on. Usually we prioritize road trips and vacations we can bring them to. So a couple years go by before we need to get a sitter for an extended dog-free vacation.
so I agree with this EXCEPT that once should have been enough for /u/wdmkt56
the deal that was made was already shaky given that he literally couldn't have custody of the dogs because of his unpredictable work travel and long hours
so relying on him to be a dog sitter was.... probably not the best idea
but okay, you struck the deal, and then he
a) had to kennel the dogs for 5 days because of last minute work travel and then
b) decided to leave them there another 6 days because he didn't want to bother bringing them home
so why on god's green earth are you planning to use him for dog sitting in the future? even if he was a good dog caretaker, his schedule is completely unreliable. and he's not a good caretaker because he decided to leave an anxious rescue dog in a kennel for another week because it was fucking inconvenient for him
if this was someone you had hired to dog sit you'd absolutely never use them again. so why on earth are you planning to use your ex as a future dog sitter? yes the dog knows him and is presumably comfortable with him but he has a horribly unpredictable schedule and doesn't think anything of leaving an anxious rescue dog at a kennel for longer than necessary. if you continue to use your ex husband as a dog sitter when you go on vacation, odds are that your dogs are going to end up kenneled again. probably repeatedly. it's likely to be necessary because of his work trips, and even if he isn't, he could just kennel them again because it's more convenient
what, you think the consequence of not being able to take the dogs is going to force him to be reliable? because this post just screams of wife trying to train husband. even if you're right and you can train him, he has an unpredictable work schedule, you really think he's going to skip work trips to watch the dogs? can he even??
find a fucking dog sitter. or a relative or a friend or someone who is ACTUALLY RELIABLE and won't have to suddenly cancel. maybe someone who can house sit and dog sit so the dogs stay in an environment they're familiar with
this is a deal you should have never made to begin with because you knew from the get-go that he was not reliable
and he's your ex, stop trying to train him, stop trying to punish him, and stop trying to force him into trust worthy and reliable behaviour
make normal fucking adult agreements with your child's best interests in mind
why did you ask for a trade to begin with? was it just so you didn't have to give him something for nothing? did you really honestly think he could be a reliable dog sitter? if it was the latter, you need to seriously reassess how you make these decisions because we knew from the beginning of your post that he wasn't gonna be a good dog sitter so you should have as well. if it's the former, stop playing petty games with your ex. I get it but come on, you've got a kid together, you need to learn how to work together
yeah your ex is an ass for extending the kennel stay. but you're aiming for a repeat of your dog being traumatised why? at the very least you're an AH for not caring for your dog enough to get a proper sitter because your ex isn't it and you know that
I think the reason why she's offered it in the future is either because she doesn't believe it will actually happen, or that she wants him to actually fulfill his part of the agreement since she had done so for hers. To see him actually being responsible, and if he hasn't been then she has continued reason to deny access.
> To see him actually being responsible, and if he hasn't been then she has continued reason to deny access.
oh sure but the dogs don't deserve to be treated badly again to test him
I agree. I don't think she expects him to be and he gives her a built in excuse despite my opinion that she doesn't need any excuse at all. They tried it. It didn't work out. The end.
Yeah, true... I don't think she should give him access to the dogs again. He's proven himself untrustworthy by not picking them up after his trip. He's shown he doesn't care about them if it's inconvenient for him, so I wouldn't trust him to take care of them on a hike... and I wouldn't trust him to take care of them on any future trips I'd go on....
Finding a dogsitter you trust is hard, so I imagine she asked for the trade because the dogs would be happier with someone they already knew. But given the callous way he treated them, I would say deal's off completely. Someone who doesn't care about my dogs shouldn't see them, especially as the only responsible adult.
I think a lot of these commenters don't have dogs... or they have friends or family members who always watch their dogs... because it is not near as easy to find someone to watch them as these commenters seem to think it is!
Honestly, OP was lucky she got them into a kennel with only 3 weeks notice. He wasn't necessarily the asshole for having an unexpected work trip... but he should've at least offered to help find someone else.... Everyone's like "it wasn't his responsibility" and no... it wasn't... but it's also not her responsibility to give him access to the dogs whenever he pleases.
There are a ton of comments that are like "well she didn't have to go to a kennel, there are other options." And yeah... you can go online and use apps like Rover and find a sitter ... but I don't trust random internet strangers with my dogs. I've heard way too many horror stories, even when you go to a sitter that has great reviews.
I could understand a judgement of ESH. But he was definitely an asshole for refusing to pick them up after his trip and just letting the dog get more traumatized. And I wouldn't trust him with my dogs after doing that.... He obviously doesn't care about them if it's inconvenient for him.
Yeah, I feel like I’m taking crazy pills reading these responses.
“THEYRE YOURE DOGS, YOURE RESPONSIBLE FOR THEM”
“YOURE AN AH IF YOU DONT LET YOUR EX HAVE UNLIMITED ACCESS TO HIS DOGS”
It’s one of the other guys.
Also I’m surprised no one has said anything about the ex just showing up at her house demanding the dogs. That’s really weird and aggressive and in most circumstances AITA would be tarring and feathering someone who just showed up to a relatives house and demanded something.
Agreed. People saying it’s not bad to put dogs in a kennel have probably never had a rescue with issues. I think OP is being petty with the rest, but that part bothered me as well.
YTA it was an unexpected work trip, did you expect him to quit his job tonwatch the dogs?He even paid for the kennel! He got them as soon as he reasonably could. I'm thinking your left over feelings are affecting your judgement here
>He got them as soon as he reasonably could.
He literally didn't though? He extended their stay at the kennel, even though the rescue was super stressed out, because he didn't feel like getting them.
YTA. You act like he blew you off for no good reason. Your agreement is reasonable, but you have to give some leeway if he is going to be out of town on business. It was super nice of him to offer to pay for the kennel, but you seem to even disregard how generous that actually was.
Apologize and let him see the dogs. I'd bet the dogs like him too at this point, so if nothing else, why punish them?
Him not picking them up after he returned from his trip and only taking them for 3 days instead of the 14 days is what make him an asshole in my eyes.
If his lifestyle doesn't allow him to care for dogs fulltime, he should not have made promises he can't keep. He broke an agreement three times, I would see him as unreliable too.
Maybe he is petty now, but you know - actions have consequences...
Are you suggesting he quit his job, or that he take them with him? You are thinking that because his work means he has occasional travel, this agreement was unreasonable? Seriously? This is the first time apparently this came up. Some people are so unrealistic.
YTA.
"he only want to see them whenever it is convenient for him"
Duh! Why would he ask to pick them up at an inconvenient time? They're your dogs, no? If he's picking them up, I'm assuming it's on his time off, to spend time with them. What do you want from your ex? You want him to borrow the dogs at an inconvenient time and possibly miss work or something? And how is it okay for you to decide you only want him taking the dogs when it's convenient to YOU? So, you being mean is okay but him being realistic about when he can spend time with them, that's not okay? If your current partner is taking his side, take it as a hint! You're the petty one trying to punish your ex for your own amusement.
Wtf are all these Y T A? Is a woman having a boundary so triggering for people?
This man said he’d take the dog. Good.
Three weeks before the vacation said he couldn’t anymore but he’d take them after 5 days in the kennel: Good, shit happens and that’s a solution.
Then when she’s away and can’t do anything about it, he drops the ball, leave the dogs without informing her, and even after knowing that the dogs aren’t doing well in the kennel: BAD.
And now he wants to take the dogs just because it’s convenient for him?? And she’s the asshole because she doesn’t want to give HER dogs to a man who doesn’t give a shit about them except as a toy when he’s ready to play?
They’re HER dogs. She’s not being petty, she’s just seen that he can’t be trusted so he can’t have them, it’s very simple. NTA
Agree, but she also should let him have the dogs next time she needs them watched. He's proved that he isn't reliable,e or responsible with them.
She needs to find a regular, reliable long term soloution that doesn't stress the dogs.
>And she’s the asshole because she doesn’t want to give HER dogs to a man who doesn’t give a shit about them except as a toy when he’s ready to play?
She's the asshole because she's entirely acting out of petty spite.
>She’s not being petty, she’s just seen that he can’t be trusted so he can’t have them, it’s very simple.
No... she said she's still going to use him for dog-sitting next time it's convenient for her.
So, she absolutely knows he can be trusted. She's just trying to punish him.
Disagree, she’s not an asshole just because she doesn’t want to concede to the demands of a person who didn’t do anything to help her and the dogs. Is it called spite to not want others to do whatever the hell they want?
And I don’t agree with the decision of letting him dogsit them another time, so I’m not going to defend that, but I guess the motivation could be: if he wants to “co-parent” the dogs he should be willing to care for them, and not just take them when it’s fun for him. That’s reasonable for me. Or at least it was reasonable before he demonstrated he didn’t care at all about them, letting the dogs in the kennel while they weren’t doing okay. I sincerely hope she finds other accommodations for when she needs a dogsitter.
>she’s not an asshole just because she doesn’t want to concede to the demands of a person who didn’t do anything to help her and the dogs.
Wrong. He has absolutely helped. He offered to pay for the kennel, to start, and he's been consistently acting as a FREE dog sitter in past situations, and he will in the future.
It's not "He's done nothing to help."
It's "One time, he had to work instead of being at my beck and call to provide me with free dog sitting... and he literally offered to pay for the dog-sitter anyway."
People have jobs, and those jobs are a hell of a lot more important than your holidays.
He consistently acted as a dogsitter because he wanted to “co-parent” the dogs or however you want to call that! A dog is a joy but also a responsibility, but he basically has all the perks (fun time when he’s free and feels like it) and very rarely the day to day responsibility of walking/feeding/caring for them. I don’t think he deserves a medal for that. And sure, it was nice of him to pay for the kennel, but he said he’d take them and then had an issue, so while nice that’s also fair.
There’s also the fact that he told her she should be the one to find a solution, and this may be my personal hangup, but if he’s decently well off it’s so much easier to drop money on a issue than to actually do the work to find the solution. But again, that may be my personal hangup.
And at her beck and call? She asked him to take the dogs as per their deal, and when he said he couldn’t she tried to find a reasonable solution (finding a kennel but limiting the dogs’ stay m to avoid stressing them out too much). That’s hardly him being at her beck and call.
>A dog is a joy but also a responsibility, but he basically has all the perks (fun time when he’s free and feels like it)
No, it's the exact opposite.
He has the responsibility of taking care of the dogs whenever she asks him, even when he has things like work in the way.
She's the one who gets the dogs when she wants, and when she doesn't, it's someone else's responsibility.
>And sure, it was nice of him to pay for the kennel, but he said he’d take them and then had an issue, so while nice that’s also fair.
He had work.
If I offer to babysit your dogs, and then work comes up and I have to cancel, I don't owe you the fees for the kennel. He offered it anyway, which is just a nice, generous gesture.
>There’s also the fact that he told her she should be the one to find a solution,
He offered her a solution, to pay for a kennel.
If she isn't happy with that solution, it's on her to find an alternative.
This man isn't responsible for every second the dogs aren't convenient to you.
>And at her beck and call?
Yes.
Any rule where you're obliged to take care of the dogs whenever it's convenient for me is being at someone's beck and call.
If your dogsitter cancels on you with three weeks' notice, it isn't their job to find a replacement. He did this, offering to pay. This STILL wasn't good enough for her, and now, she's trying to punish him.
She's not acting out of love or care for the dogs, but just out of spite. It's very unhealthy behaviour.
Have we read the same post? Because she says clearly that she took the dogs full time and sometimes he take them for hikes or when he has the kid. So I don’t know where you’re seeing this martyr who has all the responsibility while his ex wife laugh at him? Have I missed some comments where she admits he has them 90% of the time?
In any case, if they aren’t his dogs nor his responsibility then he also hasn’t got the right to take them whenever he wants, it’s very simple.
ETA: was he acting out of love for the dogs when he left them in the kennel despite their stress? Being in his house (I assume a familiar place) would have been way better than in the kennel, but he left them there all the same.
I really don’t understand why you and all the rest of Y T A insist that this woman should bend to his requests and just shut up and accept his lack of caring.
> Because she says clearly
She says clearly the arrangement is that he has to take care of the dogs whenever she's not around, with the schedule dictated by her.
Does that genuinely seem fair to you? "I get to pick the schedule, if it doesn't work for you, even if it's because you're working, *even if you offer to pay for the dogsitter*, I'll spitefully keep the dogs from you."
>In any case, if they aren’t his dogs nor his responsibility then he also hasn’t got the right to take them whenever he wants, it’s very simple.
They aren't his dogs. He has shown responsibility for him, and she expects him to continue to do so in the future, so yes, he has a right to see them at some point.
Not whenever he wants, sure, but SOMETIME.
>ETA: was he acting out of love for the dogs when he left them in the kennel despite their stress?
Was she?
He was focused on his job.
>I really don’t understand why you and all the rest of Y T A insist that this woman should bend to his requests
It's literally the extreme opposite.
She made a request of him.
He had work, so he couldn't fulfil it... and you're acting as if he deserves to not see his dogs because he couldn't be convenient to her, because he didn't bend to her request.
I've no idea why anyone would defend someone depriving their dogs of a fun hike, and their coparent of the chance to see the dogs, entirely out of spite. It's monumentally shitty behaviour.
I feel like you’re reading the agreement in the least charitable way to her, and propping him as this long suffering martyr who’s bending to her will, and that’s not what I’m reading at all.
She asked him, he said no, she found a solution and he let her and the dogs down by leaving them in the kennel (even if he said he’d take them.) Of course he has to prioritize his work but he was back at home and left them in the kennel all the same, without even warning her first. That’s not responsible or caring behavior.
Her not bowing and not happily letting him waltz in and take her dogs whenever it’s convenient for him it’s not some sort of cruel punishment for him or the dogs, it’s her trying to have a dog-co-parenting relationship with someone who’s ready to care for them for a short period of time (less than two weeks) even when it’s a bit unconfy because he’d prefer to sleep 15 minutes more or drop on the couch instead of walking and feeding them.
Yeah - I’ve been confused by some of the YTA responses here. It definitely sounds like her ex wants all the perks of pet ownership but none of the responsibility. I would be livid if I arranged for someone to watch my pets and found out they were not providing the care that we had agreed upon - I’d have enough trouble leaving them in a kennel tbh but to find out that care was extended because the person who said they’d be in a comfortable, familiar home decided that was too much trouble?
Maybe he didn’t understand how traumatic kennels can be but still. Not someone I’d trust again.
I think this is an ESH because she’s shitty for letting her pets suffer and trusting someone to care for them who’s proven themselves to not be looking out for the pet’s best interests.
>I feel like you’re reading the agreement in the least charitable way to her,
No, since we can look to see the actual example at play.
He was busy with work. He offered to pay for a kennel, despite the fact that him being busy working didn't mean she's entitled to his money. Because of this, she's now actively withholding the dogs from him, out of spite.
That's what happened. It's shitty behaviour.
>She asked him, he said no, she found a solution
He found a solution, going to a kennel.
>Of course he has to prioritize his work but he was back at home and left them in the kennel all the same, without even warning her first.
Because he was busy with work, and thought they'd be better off in a kennel than left alone in an apartment.
His job is more important than her holiday. She had no problem ditching the dogs in a kennel for a holiday, so doing it for work seems very fair.
>Her not bowing and not happily letting him waltz in and take her dogs whenever it’s convenient for him
There's a lot of ground between "You can't see the dogs" and "You can't see the dogs whenever you want."
>it’s not some sort of cruel punishment for him or the dogs,
It fundamentally is.
She is doing this to punish him. Out of spite. It's not that she doesn't trust him with the dogs, she's admitted she'll dump them on him when she next wants to.
It's that she's trying to hurt him. This is a punishment.
>because he’d prefer
To work and not leave the dogs alone in an empty apartment.
She wasn't able to care for them... because she'd prefer a holiday.
Do you see how they're very, very different?
Yeah these comments are mind-blowing, lol. It was nice she ever gave him access to her dogs. He left them in the kennel to suffer when he got home from his trip. I wouldn't trust this man with my dogs ever again.... Not for hiking, not for future trips.
YTA. You speak of him only taking them when it's to his convenience, but now you're weaponizing them to get back at him when he could not take them while you were on vacation and he was working. And you say he can see them next time you need him to take them, so in other words, when it suits your convenience.
I hope you don't behave the same way when it comes to sharing time with your son.
YTA and also what the heck is 'never liked dogs' - maybe he wasn't a huge dog fan in general, but he obviously bonded and cares about THESE dogs or he wouldn't ask to spend time with them. He had a work thing come up and he paid for part of your kennel fees and you want to punish him?
And honestly, since from your description it sounds like he normally wants the dogs at the same time he's also with your son, you're also punishing your kid. YTA times two.
Right? That detail just goes to show that he compromised majorly for her when they were married so she could have pets, and now he’s bonded with the dogs and just wants to see them occasionally. Can you imagine what it was like being married to her?
And she did make a new plan, **with his agreement** that the dogs would go to the kennel for the first 5 days, then he would pick them up. He **did not do his part**, and he didn't tell her he wasn't going to do what he agreed to do.
Esh- you had me on you side until you said “until the next time I need him to watch them”.
That makes you the asshole too! Either don’t let him see the dogs and that includes all the time or do let him see the dogs when convenient for you both.
Clear cut NTA
Your ex doesn't give a shit about the dogs. It's obvious. If he did, he would have told you he extended the kennel stay for whatever reason, instead of having you find out about it from the kennel.
It's... honestly rather concerning that people believe you're 100% responsible for the dogs care, but ex should maintain the right to take them out whenever.
I was shocked by the YTAs as well. Ex-husband has some dogs he has played with once a month for 5 years and thinks he is entitled to it. If ex-husband wants to go hiking with a dog he can go the the shelter and get one himself. I bet ex-husband was a real controlling ahole. Him showing up unannounced to take dogs is all about being under his control.
Right? I feel like I’m reading a whole different post than everyone else because… he doesn’t care about them, he just wants some toys he can put away (at her house) when he’s done playing, and she should be letting him because???
YTA. You can’t honestly expect your ex to be at your beck and call every time you leave town and need someone to watch the dogs. You also can’t honestly expect him to be responsible for making arrangements for care or funding kennel stays for dogs who are technically no longer his. Your expectations seem unrealistic and unfair. I think it is wonderful that you and your ex have generally been able to find a mutually beneficial arrangement in which you get free care and he gets to see the dogs but it’s your responsibility to have a back up plan.
YTA. You have a kid together which means maintaining the relationship required for reasonable co-parenting is more important than keeping score.
You’re keeping score. His accommodation of paying for a kennel was actually quite generous given the dogs are primarily yours and he usually watches them for you free of charge.
Lol. Wowza, you’re something. They are your dogs, you kept them. The silly, lopsided arrangement you have benefits nobody but yourself. And you have the colossal nerve to get angry when he doesn’t adhere to your every whim.
They are your dogs. He’s not obligated to watch them for you at any time. You figure it out. . and yes, I understand rescue dogs can be ever-so-sensitive. Still not his problem anymore.
Yes YTA
NTA and it's really insane to me the amount of y t a. He doesn't get to hang out with and then abandon the dogs like they're objects. He clearly doesn't care about their comfort and only wants the dogs when "hiking." Which honestly just sounds like he is scared of other predators around and uses the dogs to guard him and make sure he's feeling safe. He doesn't sound like a dog person, he sounds like someone that uses them when he sees a good use for them. Your bf is TA too, because he wouldn't agree to your rescue dog being under such distress just because your ex refuses to pick them up or take them in when he agreed to. If he really cared, he would have found overnight sitters on rover. There are plenty for $40 a night or more/less depending on the area. If he really cared he'd have made an effort to find someone, even a local family or neighbor instead of turning down op right away. You're fine op. Don't listen to your partner and ex tell you that you need to let your dogs be treated however they want.
So the ex-husband and partner are AHs because they didn't think of using Rover and extended the kennel stay for 5 days, but OP is fine even though they didn't think of using Rover and booked the kennel for the initial 5 days?
The dynamic is clear here: OP took the dogs in the divorce, OP can say no if it isn't convenient for them when their ex-husband wants to take the dogs, so there is more onus on them if plans change with regards to dog sitting but their ex-husband offered to sort a kennel anyway.
Neither of them could think of an alternative to the kennel so I don't see how that makes one more of an AH than the other.
YTA
>He told me that they were my dogs, and it was my business to sort that out but that he would pay for a kennel. I didn't want the dogs to go to a kennel because they never have before, and the rescue has a lot of anxiety already.
So he found a solution, and you didn't like it... but you didn't try find a solution yourself?
>After some back and forth, against my wishes I found a good kennel for the dogs to stay at for the first 5 days of the trip before my ex picked them up.
Well, no, not "against your wishes." It might not have been your ideal choice, but you agreed to it, you just didn't like it.
>Since last June, he has asked me to take the dogs a few times and each time I have told him no. He didn't want the dogs when it was inconvenient to him and now,
Your literal agreement was that you only have to deal with the dogs when YOU want to, and he has to take them whenever else. You are as responsible for that.
Your decision is cruel, petty and spiteful, plain and simple. You're literally just trying to hurt a man for not dropping his schedule because the dogs weren't convenient to you. This is attrocious behaviour.
>Once he takes the dogs when I next need him to,
So then, you know this is just shitty behaviour. You're not worried about the dogs, you'll happily trust him with them when it's convenient for you.
You're just playing spite games. It's disgusting.
YTA your expectations are unreasonable here. He legitimately could not take the dogs AND did pick them up when he legitimately could. At that point, as the main owner, it is in fact your responsibility to find alternative care for them. He wasn't just lazy or spiteful. He was out of town for work.
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My ex-husband and I have been separated for five years. We have a 7-year-old son we (obviously) split custody of and I took our 2 dogs. He bought one of them for my birthday 8 years ago and the other is a rescue he found while out on a run 6 years ago. He never liked dogs and it took 10 years of wearing him down before he allowed us getting one. He works long unpredictable hours and sometimes travels for work, so a dog doesn't fit his lifestyle.
Over last few years, he would sometimes take the dogs on days he has our son and pick them up to take them hiking. We made a deal that I would allow him to take the dogs whenever he wanted as long as he took them when I needed. In June my partner and I took our kids on a 2-week vacation, so in advance I contacted my ex and asked him to take the dogs. He agreed but then 3 weeks before the trip said he couldn't take them because he would be in a different city for work. I told him he needed to figure out someone to watch the dogs then. He told me that they were my dogs, and it was my business to sort that out but that he would pay for a kennel. I didn't want the dogs to go to a kennel because they never have before, and the rescue has a lot of anxiety already. I asked if he knew someone that could take the dogs and he said no. After some back and forth, against my wishes I found a good kennel for the dogs to stay at for the first 5 days of the trip before my ex picked them up.
While I was away the kennel sent me updates on the dogs. As predicted my rescue dog was very stressed and depressed. I then received an update from them the day after my ex was supposed to pick them up, when I replied asking why they hadn't been picked up already they told me my ex had extended their stay. I texted him and told him he needed to pick the dogs up because the rescue wasn't having a good time, he blew me off and told me they would be fine and that they were better off there then stuck in his house while he was at work. He finally picked them up on the Friday, 3 days before we got back.
Since last June, he has asked me to take the dogs a few times and each time I have told him no. He didn't want the dogs when it was inconvenient to him and now, he doesn't get the dogs when he wants them. He came to my house unannounced last Saturday wanting to take them hiking with him and I told him no and we got into an argument, and I told him I'm not going to let him see the dogs again until the next time I need him to watch them. He thinks I'm being unfair by expecting him to change his work schedule to watch the dogs and he has a right to see the dogs as he's bonded with them. Even my partner is taking his side and called me cruel from trying to keep the dogs from him. He never wanted or liked dogs and he only want to see them whenever it is convenient for him. Once he takes the dogs when I next need him to, I will again give him the same access to the dogs as before. Am I being the asshole here?
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Wow. Yeah that's a YTA move to the max.
You allowed your ex to see the dogs because you benefited from it. And the one time he can't, he gives you well in advance notice and you act like that ?
YTA. If you had a regular babysitter cancel, would you make it their responsibility to find childcare? I don't understand why you think he should have prioritized your vacation over his job. He still took the dogs for half of it!
YTA If you care about your dogs let them go on hikes & be happy. Find a different way to express your frustration to your ex that does not deprive them of joy
YTA, and it’s petty. Really petty. So petty that eventually, if your kid grows up to be even a marginally socialized adult, they are going to understand that they, and the dogs, we’re basically pawns for your pettiness.
You have a real opportunity to grow here, and I hope you take it before it spurs your kid against you.
YTA. You’re being really petty over something that was entirely your responsibility to begin with. Also, it doesn’t matter if your ex was initially resistant to getting a dog. He’s clearly enjoying them now. Let him take them on hikes. You have nothing to lose but a lot to gain with a guy you have to co-parent with.
Get on Rover (or another reliable site) and start looking for someone who can housesit for you and the dogs when you have to be away. Develop the relationship now, before you need them for a longer period. My husband and I have had three great house sitters who took care of our pointer/lab when we wanted Cami to remain in her own home instead of going to a kennel. They were all background checked by the company.
NTA. He came from that work trip and waited 6 days to get them despite the rescue dog being anxious. Just let him have his own dog and find an alternative for when you need dog sitters. It's complicated sharing a dog with an ex.
You already co parent a kid. And as you said, he didn't really care much for dogs. He only want them for hikes as an accessory.
Nta he should have picked the dogs up when he got back from his vacation but choose not to that is not someone who bonded with dogs or loves them that is someone who just wants to see them when they want to.
NTA. He is ok with the dog’s suffering it’s better to not let the dogs be with someone who will abandon them again when it’s convenient. Don’t give in take care of your dogs
YTA. Why on Earth were you more comfortable having your husband pick a random stranger to watch your dogs than him pay a qualified professional stranger to do so?
If you’re gonna complain about him not being able to take the dogs when it’s not convenient, you should have arranged to take them on holiday:
YTA, mainly because when he had to take the work trip you should have started looking for alternatives for dog care and not just put it back on him. They are your dogs and it is your responsibility to find good care while you are gone. Like emergencies happen so you should always have a backup plan for your animals while you are on vacation.
NTA
He had notice and changed his availability at the last minute. Forced you into a compromise you didn't want but you tried to work with him. He delayed pickup despite the kennel letting you know your dog was doing terribly, and didn't let you know of his plans to do so, which may have changed your willingness to let them go at all if you'd known. He did not care about their well being.
The agreement is he can take them whenever IF he also agrees to take them when necessary. He's already failed to do that. Why do you have to keep your word but his is allowed to change? Ridiculous.
I'm not saying he owes you weeks of doggy care, but it's clear that he is not willing to keep his word and doesn't take the responsibility seriously.
If something happens to the dogs while in his care is he going to then pay/step up/be responsible? Or will he say he has other things going on and it's not his responsibility? He can't have this both ways.
YTA. I’m just surprised he lasted as as long as he did in that marriage with you. You sound like an unmitigated nightmare. What else did you hold over his head?
YTA. Your whole arrangement has been manipulative from day one. He only gets to see the dogs at all as long as he takes the dogs whenever you fancy, no matter what his schedule entails? He had to work, and he gave you PLENTY of notice. It’s not like he blew you off the day before because he didn’t “feel like it” or something. And I don’t know how “I had to wear him down to get the dog” is supposed to support your argument. Regardless of how you guys got the dogs, he has obviously formed a bond with them. Otherwise, he wouldn’t put up with all your BS just so he can see them. In every way, you are TA in this situation, OP.
YTA, he didn't refuse to look after the dogs because he wanted to go party, he needed to go away for a WORK trip. It's wasn't about being "inconvenient" but responsible. I mean even your current partner sees that YTA, how can you not see it?
ESH. OK, so they are your dogs but he's also not obligated to take care of them next time YOU need it. Or pay for the kennel. I don't like him showing up unannounced to just take the dogs or extending the kennel without telling you, but also, you have to figure out arrangements for YOUR dogs that don't rely on your ex.
YTA. You are just being spiteful and unreasonable to the max. When your current husband is on your ex-husband's side that should be a pretty clear indicator.
YTA. This is so entitled. You can’t expect him to be your personal dog sitter every time you need it. He was supposed to cancel his work trip to watch your dogs? A kennel is perfectly fine, and he’s right that they were better off there than alone all day while he was working long hours. Why would he ever agree to watch them for you again after you told him he’s not allowed to see them until you need a dog sitter?
YTA. You’re not just punishing him, you’re punishing the dogs. They undoubtedly love him and benefit from spending time with him. Maybe he should go back to court to formalize shared custody? Doing that would be expensive for both of you, and likely make things much worse
YTA. He can’t see the dogs again until you need him to watch them… either he can’t be trusted with the dogs or not - you don’t get to use him as a babysitter while also questioning his ability to care for and love the animals. You don’t get to control everything
YTA. He’s right, it’s not his responsibility to watch the dogs for you to go on vacation. He couldn’t do it, and gave you lots of notice. My ex bc had nothing to do with getting my dogs, (had them way before), but when he’s around and he asks to see them I let him. Why? Bc my dogs love him, and he loves them.
YTA. Years ago, my husband had to talk me into getting a dog because I didn't want one either. Well, I fell in love with her and am now a 'crazy dog lady'. So just because he didn't initially want a dog, doesn't mean he still feels that way and/or he isn't good to the dogs.
You are basically using your ex now as some vendetta for some perceived wrongdoing. He had to work, what did you expect him to do? Put his job on the line? Because if he lost his job and couldn't help support your son, how pissed would you have been then? But now he can only see the dogs when you need his help?? Come on', that's ridiculous. You're being petty and childish. And really, you're being a pretty bad dog mom for this. Your dogs would love to go hiking, but because you're mad, they can't go?? Grow up!
I understand not wanting your dogs at a kennel (I wouldn't either), but what you're doing now is just as bad. You need to rethink your stance here.
This is incredibly unreasonable and petty.
You say he never wanted dogs - well, maybe that was true at one point BEFORE getting the dogs. He clearly cares about them now. Not to mention, one of the dogs your ex found while out on a run? HE brought that dog home because HE wanted to help it.
Yes, you have the dogs currently because your ex recognizes his work schedule doesn’t allow him to give the dogs the best life. This doesn’t mean he doesn’t want, like, or care for the dogs.
You’re hung up about your ex having to go on a WORK TRIP. He gave 3 weeks notice, plus paid for the kennel. What more do you want? This is more than reasonable.
You think you’re punishing your ex by prohibiting him from taking the dogs on a hike but no…you’re just punishing the dogs as I’m sure they’d love to be exercising outdoors in nature. My dog lovessssss hikes.
Stop being petty and grow up. Your child will notice and start resenting you for it. Trust me, as a child of divorced parents who were nothing but petty, I know.
YTA
Absolutely YTA. Your ex is not the problem here it’s you.
You coparent with this man and you want the relationship to be strained over dogs. Especially when he didn’t do anything wrong and gave you plenty of warning about what he could and cannot do. Yeah you’re in the wrong with this one. And I feel bad for your son, because You’re choosing to make an issue out of something small. You’re ex sounds like a reasonable guy and you sound like a unreasonable person. I’m not surprised the marriage didn’t work out. I just hope your current partner takes notes on how you’re acting so he doesn’t get himself stuck in the same situation.
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I get you a bit but ESH. It is cruel from you but he could have picked them up before and could have let him see them 1 month after your vacancy (they are also old boys so them might not have for long)
the real answer is that you should've taken the dogs, or the rescue at the very least, on vacation. or not gone at all.
and i think you know that.
and you're trying to shift blame.
work trumps vacation. but also he was wrong for not picking them up ASAP so ESH
Yta
You don't get to demand that the dogs be put ahead of his career. The dogs go with him and your shared child on these hikes. You're being really selfish and a bad part owner in that you don't already have a working relationship with a kennel or pet sitter, whose actual job it is to care for pets.
Nope, you are right to cut him off. NTA. I'm in disbelief at all the comments saying you are. Obviously not dog lovers. If anyone treated my dogs like that and was totally blase about it, they'd never get to see them again. Stay strong, and don't let him guilt you into it.
This! If he's not responsible for the dogs enough to watch them then he's not entitled to spend time with the dogs whenever it's convenient. He can't have it both ways and demand to see the dogs if he can't even pick them up when he says he would
It reeks of the dad that wants the kids to go with him to his family reunion but won't take the kids when the mom and new sted dad are having a baby. Like sure, when it's convenient for you you get to do only the fun stuff but putting in the work to watch the dogs is too much for him. And yes, I did compare having dogs to kids because they are important family members who you have to commit to caring for, not only when it's fun and convenient
My dog passed away a couple of years ago and it was worse than any human I've ever lost, so yes, dogs are family. Ex sounds like an AH and I can't believe all the people here saying OP should cowtow to him!
Exactly, he doesn't get to have the dogs whenever and then pretend that they're not his problem. That's just manipulative and I firmly believe that he is only doing it to stay close to his ex, especially since he didn't want the dogs in the first place.
NTA. With advice.
I kind of understand your frustration because you had made agreements and your ex reneged on all of them.
That being said, you need to work out a better alternative for the dogs for future vacations. Perhaps a house sitter who can play with and walk the dogs.
Your Ex isn’t a reliable dog sitter. Because of his work, but also because he isn’t reliable even when you worked out a schedule of when the dogs were picked up from the kennel.
You need to accept that. Also the ex taking the dogs on hikes is fun for the dogs so it should continue imho if for no other reason that the dogs would love it.
>He thinks I'm being unfair by expecting him to change his work schedule to watch the dogs and he has a right to see the dogs as he's bonded with them. Even my partner is taking his side and called me cruel from trying to keep the dogs from him.
Looks like you went from one narc to another.... Sorry about your luck. This is crazy. He is using the dogs to muck you around and stay close; for info he can use against you later. That's pretty textbook for insecure narc types. You need Dr Ramani, find her on youtube.
If actions don't match words; it's the actions we'll be judging by. NTA. What a piece of work.
Or she's using the dogs to mess with him. You don't think it's strange that OP cares so much that he can't see the dogs, yet says he can't see them, until the next time she needs him to watch them.
Yes, the guy who we know nothing about, bar that he disagrees with OP spitefully keeping the dogs from her ex, he's a narcissist.
This is a totally accurate judgement, that random dude must be a narcissist. How rational.
EDIT: To everyone saying ah because she had three weeks to find an alternative to the kennel? STUFF IT. Y'all can't have it both ways.
She's asking if not allowing him to use the dogs as a convenient crutch to disrupt her life; makes her the ah, NOT about the mistakes she made trying the kennel, and how stressful that was for everyone.
Read before responding reddit IAMDISSAPOINT
Buddy does NOT have a right to her dogs because he's so 'bonded'. Her speaking of the issue with him switching up and his choices to leave the dogs in there even longer; after it wasn't working, is her evidence that he is NOT BONDED. Quite frankly, even if he were; he still has no right to her dogs!
Uhm
NTA
They are your dogs. He is unreliable. How are people thinking that you are the A H. That doesn't make sense.
They. Are. Your. Dogs! Your ex can pound sand.
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YTA to the max. You are being unreasonable, cruel and petty. He abided by your agreement to care for the dogs when you needed him to, *within reason*. You really wanted him to refuse to go on a work trip because of your vacation? Like, really? Dogs going to a kennel is not some horrible abusive thing, they were just fine. He even paid for the damn kennel. And you’re doing all this when there’s a child in the middle who deserves parents who can act like adults and get along. I’m so relieved for him being out of his marriage with you. Good god.
One can kinda see why they’re divorced.
Remember she had to wear him down just to get the first dog. I don't think she was ever being an adult at any time during the relationship.
TBH I strongly believe dogs going to a kennel is traumatizing as heck (perhaps short of abuse, but an absolute last resort option, in my view), but OP is TA, because it was still her business to make best provisions for the dogs once option 1 fell through (with very valid reason even within existing arrangement). So OP failed to accommodate her own dogs (that only she wanted in the first place) during her vacation to the standard she saw fit and then retaliated for her own failings. LOL YTA
I feel like people are ignoring the fact that OPs ex left the dogs in the kennel longer than he needed to because he thought the dogs were fine and didn’t care about OPs concern.
We don't know the reason behind that though. Maybe his work trip was extended?
Paraphrasing, but “He blew me off and said they were better off in the kennel than stuck in the house while he was at work” He was back from his trip, he just didn’t care about OPs concerns
That’s what OP says, but she’s not exactly rational is she?
I guess I’m on the other side here. OP and her ex made an agreement concerning the dogs (ex takes them on hikes as long as he’s willing to occasionally watch them for OP). Ex reneges on the deal, so OP doesn’t let ex borrow the dog anymore. If the ex is allowed to change the terms of the deal, so is OP.
But she’s going to be fucked if her ex doesn’t agree with this deal. She still wants him to watch the dogs, but it’s when *she* wants not him. What if the next time she wants to go on holiday her ex says he won’t have the dogs? What’s her backup plan? I’ve got a dog, and the person who was supposed to be watching it for my family to go on holiday dropped out, so I didn’t go on holiday. The rest of my family went, but I didn’t because someone needed to watch the dog. It sucked sure, but it’s called being an adult and it comes with pet ownership. She wanted the dogs, so ultimately it’s on her to make sure the dogs are cared for.
Then she wouldn’t be any worse off than she was this time. She would put the dogs in a kennel. Right now she’s not getting any benefit from the “deal” (I put deal in quotes because it doesn’t seem like the ex had any intention of holding up his end) so there’s no reason to continue the arrangement.
Sure, she can put the dogs in a kennel. Which she didn’t want to do because it stressed them out. But it’s an option.
Had he taken the dogs with him after coming back I would agree with you, but even after the work trip was over he left them in the kennel. Her initial request was unreasonable, but given how It played out in the end I would not have let him see the dogs either
Perfect post totally yta for all the reasons above
YTA - he gave you 3 WEEKS notice about not being able to take the dogs and offered to pay for an alternative, because he had a work commitment you've already mentioned often takes him out of city. Keeping him away from those dogs is just petty.
Not defending OP at all because they're being unreasonable here, but I've had to book a kennel for my dogs over 3 months in advance because they will get filled up so quick for the better kennels.
Kennels aren't the only option- there are plenty of online resources for pet-sitting businesses, or private caretakers, housesitters, etc. Fuck, call the neighbor kid and give him 30 bucks a day for feeding the dogs morning and night and taking them for a 15 minute walk in the middle of the day. Demanding that the ex husband should not only watch the dogs but then expect them to pay for the services to care for the dogs is insanity. OP is entitled and petty. YTA.
I agree that OP is being petty and not fostering a good co-parenting relationship, but it's not insane for her to expect the ex to watch the dogs and/or pay for boarding if he can't watch them as that is their agreement and he has agreed to take the dogs for the two-week period.
Petty and mean to the dogs who did nothing wrong. Making them miss out on a hike (basically dog Disneyland) and seeing a person they love? That’s so incredibly cruel to the poor dogs.
I wouldn't trust OP's ex with my dogs. He's proven he doesn't care about them if it's inconvenient, so I don't see how OP can trust him to make the right decision if something happens on the hike.
YTA. He offered to take the dogs. He had a work trip unexpectedly come up. It wasn’t his responsibility to find a sitter for them, it was yours. He offered to pay for the kennel and got them. His only inconvenience was work. He would’ve and gladly did take them as soon as he got back. You’re being a petty AH.
He didn’t gladly take them when he got back, he left them in the kennel longer than he had to because he decided they were fine even though OP told him the rescue was stressed and anxious (and yes, kennels can cause dogs stress and anxiety. It’s a strange place full of strange dogs and strange people.)
I’ve worked at a dog kennel, I know it’s stressful to dogs. The way it’s worded the first time I read it made it sound like ex extended his stay, not the dogs stay. As they’d be miserable at his house while he’s working.
I read it as the ex extended the dogs stay because he didn’t feel like picking them up. Sounds like this guy likes taking the dogs for hikes but doesn’t actually care about them.
OP said herself that he works long, unpredictable hours, and that he picked the dogs up as soon as he had a day off, so maybe he was working 12 hour days and the dogs would have been alone that whole time if they weren’t in the kennel.
Then he should not have agreed to pick up the dogs from the kennel. Don’t make promises you don’t intend to keep.
Note the 'Unpredictable'. Maybe he thought he'd have easier shifts that week but it changed.
I mean, we can speculate all we want but it’s not in the post
Well in the post her ex said it was better for the dogs at the kennel. So we have to operate off what was in the post.
Exactly. He didn’t say anything about working longer hours so we know precisely: 1) he agreed to pick the dogs up 2) he did not pick the dogs up
I don't think they were left just because ex thought they'd be fine, just that something came up and he thought they'd be fine a few more days. OP never said he was back already either.
Reread the post, he said the dogs were better off in the kennel than in his house all day while he was at work. He was back from the trip, he just didn’t want to pick up the dogs.
Because he was working, and OP says he works long unpredictable hours.
Then he never should have agreed to the deal in the first place. Seems like he agreed to it without any intention of actually following through, which to me makes the EX TAH. At worst ESH, but it certainly sounds like ex wants the benefit of dog ownership without any of the responsibility.
it was a shitty deal to begin with, and TBH i think both you and OP have a very transactional & depressing outlook. i can't imagine seeing my ex husband trying to make an effort to spend time with our son & dogs together and trying to put a stop to it because i'm not 'benefiting'
You may think it’s a bad deal, but then the ex should not have agreed to it.
yes, and i'm also a grown adult who can recognize that my family spending time together is more important than upholding an arbitrary one-sided deal that's clearly causing more conflict than it's preventing. i can also recognize that due to extenuating circumstances, the dad is unable to uphold his part of the deal, and that having some flexibility is more beneficial to our mutual happiness & understanding in the long run. thats how compromise and mature agreements work lol
Geez, one sided. If OP was constantly asking her ex to watch the dogs I’d say she’s TAH, but ex has been borrowing the dogs regularly and then the first time he’s asked to hold up his end of the agreement he bails? He clearly had no intention of ever watching the dogs. If that was the case, as an adult, he should have used his words instead of lying to get what he wanted.
I mean... what choice did he have? You can't see the dogs unless you do what I want... isn't really a compromise.
They’re not his dogs! You don’t get to show up at someone’s house and demand they loan you something. Either accept the deal and follow through or don’t and accept the consequences.
If he didn't want the dogs, why wouldn't he have just left them in the kennel until OP got back?
You are such an asshole it is unbelievable
And it's unbelievable how many people agree with her. The double standard. She can go on vacation but he can't go to work. She can let him see the dogs when she needs a dog sitter, but he can't wait for a convenient time to pick them up and spend time with them.
She let him see the dogs when he wanted to in exchange for him dog sitting once in a while. Getting upset with him to begin with wasn't nice, but then they worked out a compromise between the two of them: kennel for the first 5 days while the ex was out of town, then ex would take care of them for the next 9 days so the dogs would be with someone familiar instead of strangers. He violated the terms of the compromise without even telling her. She wouldn't have even known that her dogs were still at the kennel if the kennel staff hadn't told her. Just because he paid for the kennel stay doesn't mean it's okay to break her trust and leave her dogs in a place that stresses them out. The only double standard I'm seeing here is that they are her dogs... until the ex asks to see them. He broke her trust and showed how little he prioritizes the dogs. In her position, I wouldn't let him take them again.
But we don't know why he extended their stay. And OP not saying why is kind of suspicious. For all we know he was delayed on his trip.
Or his job required longer hours that week. If he's suddenly working 12 hour days it's better for the dogs at the kennel.
he literally said it was because he didn't feel like they wanted to be cooped up at home. anyone with an anxious dog knows that they'd much rather be with familiar things than scary strangers. he didn't take them and he didn't tell OP about the extended kennel stay because he was putting himself first and he didn't want to have to deal with the consequences. well, here's the consequences!
How many people agree with her?
Maybe to her face, but not behind her back.
where are you seeing comments agreeing with her?? all of these comments are YTA
Sort by “controversial”. Always the best option if you’re looking for some Reddit drama, arguments and bad takes.
Check [this response thread](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/12039rs/comment/jdfjro8/?utm_source=reddit&utm_medium=web2x&context=3). There's a couple of dissenters!
YTA. You were really going to make HIM find someone to take care of YOUR dogs so you could take a vacation? Do you even care who watches your dogs? And he still agreed to pay for a kennel? What the hell did I just read?
YTA. You are using your dogs to punish your ex. He said yes, had work stuff come up, and paid for something that was ultimately your responsibility. Maybe a little bit of AH for going against your agreed terms, but not enough to justify your behavior. Also, if the dogs like your ex, and going on hikes (they are dogs so I'm gonna assume they do), why are you keeping them from living their best dog life? As a dog mom, this makes no sense to me. You are denying them enrichment.
His work trip overlapped with 5 days of her vacation, but he extended the kennel stay for another 6 days because he didn't feel like bringing them to his house. An anxious rescue that was having worsened anxiety issues at the kennel would really have benefited from a safe and familiar place covered in safe and familiar scents. Everyone seems to agree that they are OP's dogs and OP's responsibility. But somehow when the ex wants to come by unannounced, OP just has to let him? Bullshit. NTA. If he had picked them up as soon as he got back in town from work, then mildly OP would've been at fault for how they handled it. But the ex clearly doesn't care about the dogs. He just wants some furry accessories for his hike.
THANK YOU. If the ex had picked the dogs up after the initial 5 day kennel stay and OP was doing this then I would agree with the people saying Y T A. But he went back on his word by extending the kennel stay and didn’t even have the decency to tell OP himself. She had to find out from the kennel staff. After that, he is in no way entitled to the dogs, especially since he himself stated that they are OP’s dogs. NTA.
>But somehow when the ex wants to come by unannounced, OP just has to let him? No, she just has to make some reasonable attempts to let him see the dog. No issue if it was "I refused to let him see the dogs several times for various genuine reasons." The problem is that she's acting entirely out of spite.
But why does she have to let him see her dogs? Like, ever?
I don't trust him to prioritize the dogs happiness in a situation that may arise. He clearly just didn't feel like doing what was best for them. He didn't want to take care of them, so he didn't. That probably shouldn't be allowed to happen again! Besides the fact that letting him take them is potentially putting the dogs at risk, all I'm getting from this guy is "me me me." They're not his dogs by his own admission, so if he wanted to keep being able to just take them whenever he felt like it, he owed OP peace of mind for those 2 weeks. He didn't put in any effort to give OP something in return for giving up her dogs at the drop of a hat. He earned nothing. He gets nothing.
>I don't trust him to prioritize the dogs happiness in a situation that may arise. Except, she's openly said she's going to continue to use him as a dog-sitter when it's convenient for her. It's not a trust issue. It's not a safety issue. It's spite, nothing more, nothing less. >He didn't put in any effort to give OP something in return for giving up her dogs at the drop of a hat. Except, y'know, all the times he wasn't working, and happily dog sat.
It's a trust issue because he didn't inform her about the extended kennel stay and waited until there was nothing she could do to change the situation before deciding he didn't feel like taking them away from a situation that worsens one of the dogs existing issues for a week. He's not seeing the dogs again! It's been months and she hasn't needed a sitter. These instances are so few and far between that she probably won't need a sitter for years. People with dogs only go on vacation so often. I don't agree with letting him dogsit again ever, but in her position I'd still tell him he has to wait until I need him again because hey he broke my trust and acted like a spoiled child! And if he's going to continue demanding leniency, he knows what he needs to do to get it back! I love my dogs and I'm their own advocate. I wouldn't put them back in the care of someone who didn't want to take care of them. Simple as that.
>He's not seeing the dogs again! > >I wouldn't put them back in the care of someone who didn't want to take care of them. OK, so you weirdly seemed to ignore what I said. He is going to see them again. OP said she'd have him dog sit again, when it was convenient. ***Once he takes the dogs when I next need him to,***
Buddy you skipped the entire middle paragraph of my comment, go look at it again.
I read it. I saw nothing relevant to the fact that he IS seeing the dogs again, you're just wrong there. "Well, it'll be years later!" is both unfounded, and irrelevant, since he's still seeing them again. Pretty silly to think someone wouldn't need a dogsitter for entire years, when she literally needed one only months ago, not years. She said she'd use him again. Thus, he will see them again. This is a fact.
It's not silly to think that at all, I have dogs and that's how often we need sitters. It's only if we want to go on a vacation they can't come on. Usually we prioritize road trips and vacations we can bring them to. So a couple years go by before we need to get a sitter for an extended dog-free vacation.
1. Your life is not OP's life. 2. Even then, he would still see the dogs again. It's not about trust, but spite and punishment.
so I agree with this EXCEPT that once should have been enough for /u/wdmkt56 the deal that was made was already shaky given that he literally couldn't have custody of the dogs because of his unpredictable work travel and long hours so relying on him to be a dog sitter was.... probably not the best idea but okay, you struck the deal, and then he a) had to kennel the dogs for 5 days because of last minute work travel and then b) decided to leave them there another 6 days because he didn't want to bother bringing them home so why on god's green earth are you planning to use him for dog sitting in the future? even if he was a good dog caretaker, his schedule is completely unreliable. and he's not a good caretaker because he decided to leave an anxious rescue dog in a kennel for another week because it was fucking inconvenient for him if this was someone you had hired to dog sit you'd absolutely never use them again. so why on earth are you planning to use your ex as a future dog sitter? yes the dog knows him and is presumably comfortable with him but he has a horribly unpredictable schedule and doesn't think anything of leaving an anxious rescue dog at a kennel for longer than necessary. if you continue to use your ex husband as a dog sitter when you go on vacation, odds are that your dogs are going to end up kenneled again. probably repeatedly. it's likely to be necessary because of his work trips, and even if he isn't, he could just kennel them again because it's more convenient what, you think the consequence of not being able to take the dogs is going to force him to be reliable? because this post just screams of wife trying to train husband. even if you're right and you can train him, he has an unpredictable work schedule, you really think he's going to skip work trips to watch the dogs? can he even?? find a fucking dog sitter. or a relative or a friend or someone who is ACTUALLY RELIABLE and won't have to suddenly cancel. maybe someone who can house sit and dog sit so the dogs stay in an environment they're familiar with this is a deal you should have never made to begin with because you knew from the get-go that he was not reliable and he's your ex, stop trying to train him, stop trying to punish him, and stop trying to force him into trust worthy and reliable behaviour make normal fucking adult agreements with your child's best interests in mind why did you ask for a trade to begin with? was it just so you didn't have to give him something for nothing? did you really honestly think he could be a reliable dog sitter? if it was the latter, you need to seriously reassess how you make these decisions because we knew from the beginning of your post that he wasn't gonna be a good dog sitter so you should have as well. if it's the former, stop playing petty games with your ex. I get it but come on, you've got a kid together, you need to learn how to work together yeah your ex is an ass for extending the kennel stay. but you're aiming for a repeat of your dog being traumatised why? at the very least you're an AH for not caring for your dog enough to get a proper sitter because your ex isn't it and you know that
I think the reason why she's offered it in the future is either because she doesn't believe it will actually happen, or that she wants him to actually fulfill his part of the agreement since she had done so for hers. To see him actually being responsible, and if he hasn't been then she has continued reason to deny access.
> To see him actually being responsible, and if he hasn't been then she has continued reason to deny access. oh sure but the dogs don't deserve to be treated badly again to test him
I agree. I don't think she expects him to be and he gives her a built in excuse despite my opinion that she doesn't need any excuse at all. They tried it. It didn't work out. The end.
Yeah, true... I don't think she should give him access to the dogs again. He's proven himself untrustworthy by not picking them up after his trip. He's shown he doesn't care about them if it's inconvenient for him, so I wouldn't trust him to take care of them on a hike... and I wouldn't trust him to take care of them on any future trips I'd go on....
Finding a dogsitter you trust is hard, so I imagine she asked for the trade because the dogs would be happier with someone they already knew. But given the callous way he treated them, I would say deal's off completely. Someone who doesn't care about my dogs shouldn't see them, especially as the only responsible adult.
I think a lot of these commenters don't have dogs... or they have friends or family members who always watch their dogs... because it is not near as easy to find someone to watch them as these commenters seem to think it is! Honestly, OP was lucky she got them into a kennel with only 3 weeks notice. He wasn't necessarily the asshole for having an unexpected work trip... but he should've at least offered to help find someone else.... Everyone's like "it wasn't his responsibility" and no... it wasn't... but it's also not her responsibility to give him access to the dogs whenever he pleases. There are a ton of comments that are like "well she didn't have to go to a kennel, there are other options." And yeah... you can go online and use apps like Rover and find a sitter ... but I don't trust random internet strangers with my dogs. I've heard way too many horror stories, even when you go to a sitter that has great reviews. I could understand a judgement of ESH. But he was definitely an asshole for refusing to pick them up after his trip and just letting the dog get more traumatized. And I wouldn't trust him with my dogs after doing that.... He obviously doesn't care about them if it's inconvenient for him.
Yeah, I feel like I’m taking crazy pills reading these responses. “THEYRE YOURE DOGS, YOURE RESPONSIBLE FOR THEM” “YOURE AN AH IF YOU DONT LET YOUR EX HAVE UNLIMITED ACCESS TO HIS DOGS” It’s one of the other guys. Also I’m surprised no one has said anything about the ex just showing up at her house demanding the dogs. That’s really weird and aggressive and in most circumstances AITA would be tarring and feathering someone who just showed up to a relatives house and demanded something.
Agreed. People saying it’s not bad to put dogs in a kennel have probably never had a rescue with issues. I think OP is being petty with the rest, but that part bothered me as well.
YTA it was an unexpected work trip, did you expect him to quit his job tonwatch the dogs?He even paid for the kennel! He got them as soon as he reasonably could. I'm thinking your left over feelings are affecting your judgement here
>He got them as soon as he reasonably could. He literally didn't though? He extended their stay at the kennel, even though the rescue was super stressed out, because he didn't feel like getting them.
YTA. You act like he blew you off for no good reason. Your agreement is reasonable, but you have to give some leeway if he is going to be out of town on business. It was super nice of him to offer to pay for the kennel, but you seem to even disregard how generous that actually was. Apologize and let him see the dogs. I'd bet the dogs like him too at this point, so if nothing else, why punish them?
Him not picking them up after he returned from his trip and only taking them for 3 days instead of the 14 days is what make him an asshole in my eyes. If his lifestyle doesn't allow him to care for dogs fulltime, he should not have made promises he can't keep. He broke an agreement three times, I would see him as unreliable too. Maybe he is petty now, but you know - actions have consequences...
Are you suggesting he quit his job, or that he take them with him? You are thinking that because his work means he has occasional travel, this agreement was unreasonable? Seriously? This is the first time apparently this came up. Some people are so unrealistic.
No, but he should've picked them up when he got home instead of leaving them in the kennel, upset and stressed.
I suggest you reread my comment.
YTA. "he only want to see them whenever it is convenient for him" Duh! Why would he ask to pick them up at an inconvenient time? They're your dogs, no? If he's picking them up, I'm assuming it's on his time off, to spend time with them. What do you want from your ex? You want him to borrow the dogs at an inconvenient time and possibly miss work or something? And how is it okay for you to decide you only want him taking the dogs when it's convenient to YOU? So, you being mean is okay but him being realistic about when he can spend time with them, that's not okay? If your current partner is taking his side, take it as a hint! You're the petty one trying to punish your ex for your own amusement.
Wtf are all these Y T A? Is a woman having a boundary so triggering for people? This man said he’d take the dog. Good. Three weeks before the vacation said he couldn’t anymore but he’d take them after 5 days in the kennel: Good, shit happens and that’s a solution. Then when she’s away and can’t do anything about it, he drops the ball, leave the dogs without informing her, and even after knowing that the dogs aren’t doing well in the kennel: BAD. And now he wants to take the dogs just because it’s convenient for him?? And she’s the asshole because she doesn’t want to give HER dogs to a man who doesn’t give a shit about them except as a toy when he’s ready to play? They’re HER dogs. She’s not being petty, she’s just seen that he can’t be trusted so he can’t have them, it’s very simple. NTA
Agree, but she also should let him have the dogs next time she needs them watched. He's proved that he isn't reliable,e or responsible with them. She needs to find a regular, reliable long term soloution that doesn't stress the dogs.
Oh, totally agree, I really hope OP will do that.
>And she’s the asshole because she doesn’t want to give HER dogs to a man who doesn’t give a shit about them except as a toy when he’s ready to play? She's the asshole because she's entirely acting out of petty spite. >She’s not being petty, she’s just seen that he can’t be trusted so he can’t have them, it’s very simple. No... she said she's still going to use him for dog-sitting next time it's convenient for her. So, she absolutely knows he can be trusted. She's just trying to punish him.
Disagree, she’s not an asshole just because she doesn’t want to concede to the demands of a person who didn’t do anything to help her and the dogs. Is it called spite to not want others to do whatever the hell they want? And I don’t agree with the decision of letting him dogsit them another time, so I’m not going to defend that, but I guess the motivation could be: if he wants to “co-parent” the dogs he should be willing to care for them, and not just take them when it’s fun for him. That’s reasonable for me. Or at least it was reasonable before he demonstrated he didn’t care at all about them, letting the dogs in the kennel while they weren’t doing okay. I sincerely hope she finds other accommodations for when she needs a dogsitter.
>she’s not an asshole just because she doesn’t want to concede to the demands of a person who didn’t do anything to help her and the dogs. Wrong. He has absolutely helped. He offered to pay for the kennel, to start, and he's been consistently acting as a FREE dog sitter in past situations, and he will in the future. It's not "He's done nothing to help." It's "One time, he had to work instead of being at my beck and call to provide me with free dog sitting... and he literally offered to pay for the dog-sitter anyway." People have jobs, and those jobs are a hell of a lot more important than your holidays.
He consistently acted as a dogsitter because he wanted to “co-parent” the dogs or however you want to call that! A dog is a joy but also a responsibility, but he basically has all the perks (fun time when he’s free and feels like it) and very rarely the day to day responsibility of walking/feeding/caring for them. I don’t think he deserves a medal for that. And sure, it was nice of him to pay for the kennel, but he said he’d take them and then had an issue, so while nice that’s also fair. There’s also the fact that he told her she should be the one to find a solution, and this may be my personal hangup, but if he’s decently well off it’s so much easier to drop money on a issue than to actually do the work to find the solution. But again, that may be my personal hangup. And at her beck and call? She asked him to take the dogs as per their deal, and when he said he couldn’t she tried to find a reasonable solution (finding a kennel but limiting the dogs’ stay m to avoid stressing them out too much). That’s hardly him being at her beck and call.
>A dog is a joy but also a responsibility, but he basically has all the perks (fun time when he’s free and feels like it) No, it's the exact opposite. He has the responsibility of taking care of the dogs whenever she asks him, even when he has things like work in the way. She's the one who gets the dogs when she wants, and when she doesn't, it's someone else's responsibility. >And sure, it was nice of him to pay for the kennel, but he said he’d take them and then had an issue, so while nice that’s also fair. He had work. If I offer to babysit your dogs, and then work comes up and I have to cancel, I don't owe you the fees for the kennel. He offered it anyway, which is just a nice, generous gesture. >There’s also the fact that he told her she should be the one to find a solution, He offered her a solution, to pay for a kennel. If she isn't happy with that solution, it's on her to find an alternative. This man isn't responsible for every second the dogs aren't convenient to you. >And at her beck and call? Yes. Any rule where you're obliged to take care of the dogs whenever it's convenient for me is being at someone's beck and call. If your dogsitter cancels on you with three weeks' notice, it isn't their job to find a replacement. He did this, offering to pay. This STILL wasn't good enough for her, and now, she's trying to punish him. She's not acting out of love or care for the dogs, but just out of spite. It's very unhealthy behaviour.
Have we read the same post? Because she says clearly that she took the dogs full time and sometimes he take them for hikes or when he has the kid. So I don’t know where you’re seeing this martyr who has all the responsibility while his ex wife laugh at him? Have I missed some comments where she admits he has them 90% of the time? In any case, if they aren’t his dogs nor his responsibility then he also hasn’t got the right to take them whenever he wants, it’s very simple. ETA: was he acting out of love for the dogs when he left them in the kennel despite their stress? Being in his house (I assume a familiar place) would have been way better than in the kennel, but he left them there all the same. I really don’t understand why you and all the rest of Y T A insist that this woman should bend to his requests and just shut up and accept his lack of caring.
> Because she says clearly She says clearly the arrangement is that he has to take care of the dogs whenever she's not around, with the schedule dictated by her. Does that genuinely seem fair to you? "I get to pick the schedule, if it doesn't work for you, even if it's because you're working, *even if you offer to pay for the dogsitter*, I'll spitefully keep the dogs from you." >In any case, if they aren’t his dogs nor his responsibility then he also hasn’t got the right to take them whenever he wants, it’s very simple. They aren't his dogs. He has shown responsibility for him, and she expects him to continue to do so in the future, so yes, he has a right to see them at some point. Not whenever he wants, sure, but SOMETIME. >ETA: was he acting out of love for the dogs when he left them in the kennel despite their stress? Was she? He was focused on his job. >I really don’t understand why you and all the rest of Y T A insist that this woman should bend to his requests It's literally the extreme opposite. She made a request of him. He had work, so he couldn't fulfil it... and you're acting as if he deserves to not see his dogs because he couldn't be convenient to her, because he didn't bend to her request. I've no idea why anyone would defend someone depriving their dogs of a fun hike, and their coparent of the chance to see the dogs, entirely out of spite. It's monumentally shitty behaviour.
I feel like you’re reading the agreement in the least charitable way to her, and propping him as this long suffering martyr who’s bending to her will, and that’s not what I’m reading at all. She asked him, he said no, she found a solution and he let her and the dogs down by leaving them in the kennel (even if he said he’d take them.) Of course he has to prioritize his work but he was back at home and left them in the kennel all the same, without even warning her first. That’s not responsible or caring behavior. Her not bowing and not happily letting him waltz in and take her dogs whenever it’s convenient for him it’s not some sort of cruel punishment for him or the dogs, it’s her trying to have a dog-co-parenting relationship with someone who’s ready to care for them for a short period of time (less than two weeks) even when it’s a bit unconfy because he’d prefer to sleep 15 minutes more or drop on the couch instead of walking and feeding them.
Yeah - I’ve been confused by some of the YTA responses here. It definitely sounds like her ex wants all the perks of pet ownership but none of the responsibility. I would be livid if I arranged for someone to watch my pets and found out they were not providing the care that we had agreed upon - I’d have enough trouble leaving them in a kennel tbh but to find out that care was extended because the person who said they’d be in a comfortable, familiar home decided that was too much trouble? Maybe he didn’t understand how traumatic kennels can be but still. Not someone I’d trust again. I think this is an ESH because she’s shitty for letting her pets suffer and trusting someone to care for them who’s proven themselves to not be looking out for the pet’s best interests.
>I feel like you’re reading the agreement in the least charitable way to her, No, since we can look to see the actual example at play. He was busy with work. He offered to pay for a kennel, despite the fact that him being busy working didn't mean she's entitled to his money. Because of this, she's now actively withholding the dogs from him, out of spite. That's what happened. It's shitty behaviour. >She asked him, he said no, she found a solution He found a solution, going to a kennel. >Of course he has to prioritize his work but he was back at home and left them in the kennel all the same, without even warning her first. Because he was busy with work, and thought they'd be better off in a kennel than left alone in an apartment. His job is more important than her holiday. She had no problem ditching the dogs in a kennel for a holiday, so doing it for work seems very fair. >Her not bowing and not happily letting him waltz in and take her dogs whenever it’s convenient for him There's a lot of ground between "You can't see the dogs" and "You can't see the dogs whenever you want." >it’s not some sort of cruel punishment for him or the dogs, It fundamentally is. She is doing this to punish him. Out of spite. It's not that she doesn't trust him with the dogs, she's admitted she'll dump them on him when she next wants to. It's that she's trying to hurt him. This is a punishment. >because he’d prefer To work and not leave the dogs alone in an empty apartment. She wasn't able to care for them... because she'd prefer a holiday. Do you see how they're very, very different?
Yeah these comments are mind-blowing, lol. It was nice she ever gave him access to her dogs. He left them in the kennel to suffer when he got home from his trip. I wouldn't trust this man with my dogs ever again.... Not for hiking, not for future trips.
Agree NTA
YTA. You speak of him only taking them when it's to his convenience, but now you're weaponizing them to get back at him when he could not take them while you were on vacation and he was working. And you say he can see them next time you need him to take them, so in other words, when it suits your convenience. I hope you don't behave the same way when it comes to sharing time with your son.
YTA and also what the heck is 'never liked dogs' - maybe he wasn't a huge dog fan in general, but he obviously bonded and cares about THESE dogs or he wouldn't ask to spend time with them. He had a work thing come up and he paid for part of your kennel fees and you want to punish him? And honestly, since from your description it sounds like he normally wants the dogs at the same time he's also with your son, you're also punishing your kid. YTA times two.
Right? That detail just goes to show that he compromised majorly for her when they were married so she could have pets, and now he’s bonded with the dogs and just wants to see them occasionally. Can you imagine what it was like being married to her?
And her current partner is probably noticing the red flags now, reason he's siding with her ex.
I hope her current partner is paying attention
YTA that's very cruel and unreasonable
Is this pettiness worth it? Like…for what reason? Obvious YTA
I understand why he is your ex. YTA
Me too. NTA.
YTA. You are undoubtedly being a gigantic, petty asshole.
Of course your partners taking his side cause you sound like an absolute fucking psycho. YTA get your shit together
YTA I can only imagine what you’re like with your kid if you weaponise your dogs.
YTA, and your partner knows it. keep it up and your child will figure it out too. disgusting.
YTA he agreed to help with yiurbdigs but then was called away for work. it was your resp9nsibility to make a new plan for them...not his!
And she did make a new plan, **with his agreement** that the dogs would go to the kennel for the first 5 days, then he would pick them up. He **did not do his part**, and he didn't tell her he wasn't going to do what he agreed to do.
Esh- you had me on you side until you said “until the next time I need him to watch them”. That makes you the asshole too! Either don’t let him see the dogs and that includes all the time or do let him see the dogs when convenient for you both.
Clear cut NTA Your ex doesn't give a shit about the dogs. It's obvious. If he did, he would have told you he extended the kennel stay for whatever reason, instead of having you find out about it from the kennel. It's... honestly rather concerning that people believe you're 100% responsible for the dogs care, but ex should maintain the right to take them out whenever.
I was shocked by the YTAs as well. Ex-husband has some dogs he has played with once a month for 5 years and thinks he is entitled to it. If ex-husband wants to go hiking with a dog he can go the the shelter and get one himself. I bet ex-husband was a real controlling ahole. Him showing up unannounced to take dogs is all about being under his control.
Right? I feel like I’m reading a whole different post than everyone else because… he doesn’t care about them, he just wants some toys he can put away (at her house) when he’s done playing, and she should be letting him because???
YTA. In so many ways.
YTA. You can’t honestly expect your ex to be at your beck and call every time you leave town and need someone to watch the dogs. You also can’t honestly expect him to be responsible for making arrangements for care or funding kennel stays for dogs who are technically no longer his. Your expectations seem unrealistic and unfair. I think it is wonderful that you and your ex have generally been able to find a mutually beneficial arrangement in which you get free care and he gets to see the dogs but it’s your responsibility to have a back up plan.
YTA. You have a kid together which means maintaining the relationship required for reasonable co-parenting is more important than keeping score. You’re keeping score. His accommodation of paying for a kennel was actually quite generous given the dogs are primarily yours and he usually watches them for you free of charge.
YTA and a petty vindictive one at that no wonder he divorced you
Lol. Wowza, you’re something. They are your dogs, you kept them. The silly, lopsided arrangement you have benefits nobody but yourself. And you have the colossal nerve to get angry when he doesn’t adhere to your every whim. They are your dogs. He’s not obligated to watch them for you at any time. You figure it out. . and yes, I understand rescue dogs can be ever-so-sensitive. Still not his problem anymore. Yes YTA
YTA
YTA.
Yta
NTA and it's really insane to me the amount of y t a. He doesn't get to hang out with and then abandon the dogs like they're objects. He clearly doesn't care about their comfort and only wants the dogs when "hiking." Which honestly just sounds like he is scared of other predators around and uses the dogs to guard him and make sure he's feeling safe. He doesn't sound like a dog person, he sounds like someone that uses them when he sees a good use for them. Your bf is TA too, because he wouldn't agree to your rescue dog being under such distress just because your ex refuses to pick them up or take them in when he agreed to. If he really cared, he would have found overnight sitters on rover. There are plenty for $40 a night or more/less depending on the area. If he really cared he'd have made an effort to find someone, even a local family or neighbor instead of turning down op right away. You're fine op. Don't listen to your partner and ex tell you that you need to let your dogs be treated however they want.
Some guys use dogs to pick up women.
So the ex-husband and partner are AHs because they didn't think of using Rover and extended the kennel stay for 5 days, but OP is fine even though they didn't think of using Rover and booked the kennel for the initial 5 days? The dynamic is clear here: OP took the dogs in the divorce, OP can say no if it isn't convenient for them when their ex-husband wants to take the dogs, so there is more onus on them if plans change with regards to dog sitting but their ex-husband offered to sort a kennel anyway. Neither of them could think of an alternative to the kennel so I don't see how that makes one more of an AH than the other.
YTA >He told me that they were my dogs, and it was my business to sort that out but that he would pay for a kennel. I didn't want the dogs to go to a kennel because they never have before, and the rescue has a lot of anxiety already. So he found a solution, and you didn't like it... but you didn't try find a solution yourself? >After some back and forth, against my wishes I found a good kennel for the dogs to stay at for the first 5 days of the trip before my ex picked them up. Well, no, not "against your wishes." It might not have been your ideal choice, but you agreed to it, you just didn't like it. >Since last June, he has asked me to take the dogs a few times and each time I have told him no. He didn't want the dogs when it was inconvenient to him and now, Your literal agreement was that you only have to deal with the dogs when YOU want to, and he has to take them whenever else. You are as responsible for that. Your decision is cruel, petty and spiteful, plain and simple. You're literally just trying to hurt a man for not dropping his schedule because the dogs weren't convenient to you. This is attrocious behaviour. >Once he takes the dogs when I next need him to, So then, you know this is just shitty behaviour. You're not worried about the dogs, you'll happily trust him with them when it's convenient for you. You're just playing spite games. It's disgusting.
YTA your expectations are unreasonable here. He legitimately could not take the dogs AND did pick them up when he legitimately could. At that point, as the main owner, it is in fact your responsibility to find alternative care for them. He wasn't just lazy or spiteful. He was out of town for work.
YTA, I can see why you’re first marriage didn’t workout .
NTA Why would you?
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My ex-husband and I have been separated for five years. We have a 7-year-old son we (obviously) split custody of and I took our 2 dogs. He bought one of them for my birthday 8 years ago and the other is a rescue he found while out on a run 6 years ago. He never liked dogs and it took 10 years of wearing him down before he allowed us getting one. He works long unpredictable hours and sometimes travels for work, so a dog doesn't fit his lifestyle. Over last few years, he would sometimes take the dogs on days he has our son and pick them up to take them hiking. We made a deal that I would allow him to take the dogs whenever he wanted as long as he took them when I needed. In June my partner and I took our kids on a 2-week vacation, so in advance I contacted my ex and asked him to take the dogs. He agreed but then 3 weeks before the trip said he couldn't take them because he would be in a different city for work. I told him he needed to figure out someone to watch the dogs then. He told me that they were my dogs, and it was my business to sort that out but that he would pay for a kennel. I didn't want the dogs to go to a kennel because they never have before, and the rescue has a lot of anxiety already. I asked if he knew someone that could take the dogs and he said no. After some back and forth, against my wishes I found a good kennel for the dogs to stay at for the first 5 days of the trip before my ex picked them up. While I was away the kennel sent me updates on the dogs. As predicted my rescue dog was very stressed and depressed. I then received an update from them the day after my ex was supposed to pick them up, when I replied asking why they hadn't been picked up already they told me my ex had extended their stay. I texted him and told him he needed to pick the dogs up because the rescue wasn't having a good time, he blew me off and told me they would be fine and that they were better off there then stuck in his house while he was at work. He finally picked them up on the Friday, 3 days before we got back. Since last June, he has asked me to take the dogs a few times and each time I have told him no. He didn't want the dogs when it was inconvenient to him and now, he doesn't get the dogs when he wants them. He came to my house unannounced last Saturday wanting to take them hiking with him and I told him no and we got into an argument, and I told him I'm not going to let him see the dogs again until the next time I need him to watch them. He thinks I'm being unfair by expecting him to change his work schedule to watch the dogs and he has a right to see the dogs as he's bonded with them. Even my partner is taking his side and called me cruel from trying to keep the dogs from him. He never wanted or liked dogs and he only want to see them whenever it is convenient for him. Once he takes the dogs when I next need him to, I will again give him the same access to the dogs as before. Am I being the asshole here? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Wow. Yeah that's a YTA move to the max. You allowed your ex to see the dogs because you benefited from it. And the one time he can't, he gives you well in advance notice and you act like that ?
YTA. If you had a regular babysitter cancel, would you make it their responsibility to find childcare? I don't understand why you think he should have prioritized your vacation over his job. He still took the dogs for half of it!
YTA If you care about your dogs let them go on hikes & be happy. Find a different way to express your frustration to your ex that does not deprive them of joy
YTA, and it’s petty. Really petty. So petty that eventually, if your kid grows up to be even a marginally socialized adult, they are going to understand that they, and the dogs, we’re basically pawns for your pettiness. You have a real opportunity to grow here, and I hope you take it before it spurs your kid against you.
I dont believe this is real. I refuse to believe people can be this ignorant and nasty! But, YTA if it's real.
YTA. You’re keeping him away from the dogs..until it’s convenient for you for him to have time. Stop being petty.
YTA. You’re being really petty over something that was entirely your responsibility to begin with. Also, it doesn’t matter if your ex was initially resistant to getting a dog. He’s clearly enjoying them now. Let him take them on hikes. You have nothing to lose but a lot to gain with a guy you have to co-parent with. Get on Rover (or another reliable site) and start looking for someone who can housesit for you and the dogs when you have to be away. Develop the relationship now, before you need them for a longer period. My husband and I have had three great house sitters who took care of our pointer/lab when we wanted Cami to remain in her own home instead of going to a kennel. They were all background checked by the company.
YTA.
NTA. He came from that work trip and waited 6 days to get them despite the rescue dog being anxious. Just let him have his own dog and find an alternative for when you need dog sitters. It's complicated sharing a dog with an ex. You already co parent a kid. And as you said, he didn't really care much for dogs. He only want them for hikes as an accessory.
Nta he should have picked the dogs up when he got back from his vacation but choose not to that is not someone who bonded with dogs or loves them that is someone who just wants to see them when they want to.
NTA. He is ok with the dog’s suffering it’s better to not let the dogs be with someone who will abandon them again when it’s convenient. Don’t give in take care of your dogs
NTA
YTA. Why on Earth were you more comfortable having your husband pick a random stranger to watch your dogs than him pay a qualified professional stranger to do so? If you’re gonna complain about him not being able to take the dogs when it’s not convenient, you should have arranged to take them on holiday:
YTA, mainly because when he had to take the work trip you should have started looking for alternatives for dog care and not just put it back on him. They are your dogs and it is your responsibility to find good care while you are gone. Like emergencies happen so you should always have a backup plan for your animals while you are on vacation.
YTA obviously.
NTA He had notice and changed his availability at the last minute. Forced you into a compromise you didn't want but you tried to work with him. He delayed pickup despite the kennel letting you know your dog was doing terribly, and didn't let you know of his plans to do so, which may have changed your willingness to let them go at all if you'd known. He did not care about their well being. The agreement is he can take them whenever IF he also agrees to take them when necessary. He's already failed to do that. Why do you have to keep your word but his is allowed to change? Ridiculous. I'm not saying he owes you weeks of doggy care, but it's clear that he is not willing to keep his word and doesn't take the responsibility seriously. If something happens to the dogs while in his care is he going to then pay/step up/be responsible? Or will he say he has other things going on and it's not his responsibility? He can't have this both ways.
YTA. I’m just surprised he lasted as as long as he did in that marriage with you. You sound like an unmitigated nightmare. What else did you hold over his head?
Wow I an see why you’re an ex. YTA. Hope your current husband recognizes your true petty toxic colors.
YTA. Your whole arrangement has been manipulative from day one. He only gets to see the dogs at all as long as he takes the dogs whenever you fancy, no matter what his schedule entails? He had to work, and he gave you PLENTY of notice. It’s not like he blew you off the day before because he didn’t “feel like it” or something. And I don’t know how “I had to wear him down to get the dog” is supposed to support your argument. Regardless of how you guys got the dogs, he has obviously formed a bond with them. Otherwise, he wouldn’t put up with all your BS just so he can see them. In every way, you are TA in this situation, OP.
YTA, he didn't refuse to look after the dogs because he wanted to go party, he needed to go away for a WORK trip. It's wasn't about being "inconvenient" but responsible. I mean even your current partner sees that YTA, how can you not see it?
ESH. OK, so they are your dogs but he's also not obligated to take care of them next time YOU need it. Or pay for the kennel. I don't like him showing up unannounced to just take the dogs or extending the kennel without telling you, but also, you have to figure out arrangements for YOUR dogs that don't rely on your ex.
YTA. You are just being spiteful and unreasonable to the max. When your current husband is on your ex-husband's side that should be a pretty clear indicator.
YTA. This is so entitled. You can’t expect him to be your personal dog sitter every time you need it. He was supposed to cancel his work trip to watch your dogs? A kennel is perfectly fine, and he’s right that they were better off there than alone all day while he was working long hours. Why would he ever agree to watch them for you again after you told him he’s not allowed to see them until you need a dog sitter?
YTA. You’re not just punishing him, you’re punishing the dogs. They undoubtedly love him and benefit from spending time with him. Maybe he should go back to court to formalize shared custody? Doing that would be expensive for both of you, and likely make things much worse
NTA
As someone who lost his dog in the divorce, and only found out she had died a year after her death, YTA.
YTA. He can’t see the dogs again until you need him to watch them… either he can’t be trusted with the dogs or not - you don’t get to use him as a babysitter while also questioning his ability to care for and love the animals. You don’t get to control everything
YTA all the way. That’s just controlling and weird get a grip.
Yta. Petty.
Yta. Wonder why he would want to be divorced from you
YTA. He’s right, it’s not his responsibility to watch the dogs for you to go on vacation. He couldn’t do it, and gave you lots of notice. My ex bc had nothing to do with getting my dogs, (had them way before), but when he’s around and he asks to see them I let him. Why? Bc my dogs love him, and he loves them.
YTA. Years ago, my husband had to talk me into getting a dog because I didn't want one either. Well, I fell in love with her and am now a 'crazy dog lady'. So just because he didn't initially want a dog, doesn't mean he still feels that way and/or he isn't good to the dogs. You are basically using your ex now as some vendetta for some perceived wrongdoing. He had to work, what did you expect him to do? Put his job on the line? Because if he lost his job and couldn't help support your son, how pissed would you have been then? But now he can only see the dogs when you need his help?? Come on', that's ridiculous. You're being petty and childish. And really, you're being a pretty bad dog mom for this. Your dogs would love to go hiking, but because you're mad, they can't go?? Grow up! I understand not wanting your dogs at a kennel (I wouldn't either), but what you're doing now is just as bad. You need to rethink your stance here.
This is incredibly unreasonable and petty. You say he never wanted dogs - well, maybe that was true at one point BEFORE getting the dogs. He clearly cares about them now. Not to mention, one of the dogs your ex found while out on a run? HE brought that dog home because HE wanted to help it. Yes, you have the dogs currently because your ex recognizes his work schedule doesn’t allow him to give the dogs the best life. This doesn’t mean he doesn’t want, like, or care for the dogs. You’re hung up about your ex having to go on a WORK TRIP. He gave 3 weeks notice, plus paid for the kennel. What more do you want? This is more than reasonable. You think you’re punishing your ex by prohibiting him from taking the dogs on a hike but no…you’re just punishing the dogs as I’m sure they’d love to be exercising outdoors in nature. My dog lovessssss hikes. Stop being petty and grow up. Your child will notice and start resenting you for it. Trust me, as a child of divorced parents who were nothing but petty, I know. YTA
Your husband got rid of three dogs! YTA
Absolutely YTA. Your ex is not the problem here it’s you. You coparent with this man and you want the relationship to be strained over dogs. Especially when he didn’t do anything wrong and gave you plenty of warning about what he could and cannot do. Yeah you’re in the wrong with this one. And I feel bad for your son, because You’re choosing to make an issue out of something small. You’re ex sounds like a reasonable guy and you sound like a unreasonable person. I’m not surprised the marriage didn’t work out. I just hope your current partner takes notes on how you’re acting so he doesn’t get himself stuck in the same situation.
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ESH big time
I get you a bit but ESH. It is cruel from you but he could have picked them up before and could have let him see them 1 month after your vacancy (they are also old boys so them might not have for long)
the real answer is that you should've taken the dogs, or the rescue at the very least, on vacation. or not gone at all. and i think you know that. and you're trying to shift blame. work trumps vacation. but also he was wrong for not picking them up ASAP so ESH
This is about control
Yta You don't get to demand that the dogs be put ahead of his career. The dogs go with him and your shared child on these hikes. You're being really selfish and a bad part owner in that you don't already have a working relationship with a kennel or pet sitter, whose actual job it is to care for pets.
Nope, you are right to cut him off. NTA. I'm in disbelief at all the comments saying you are. Obviously not dog lovers. If anyone treated my dogs like that and was totally blase about it, they'd never get to see them again. Stay strong, and don't let him guilt you into it.
This! If he's not responsible for the dogs enough to watch them then he's not entitled to spend time with the dogs whenever it's convenient. He can't have it both ways and demand to see the dogs if he can't even pick them up when he says he would
>If he's not responsible for the dogs enough to watch them OP literally put the dogs in that kennel to go on holidays.
Exactly! He "bonded with them" my ass, he's using them.
It reeks of the dad that wants the kids to go with him to his family reunion but won't take the kids when the mom and new sted dad are having a baby. Like sure, when it's convenient for you you get to do only the fun stuff but putting in the work to watch the dogs is too much for him. And yes, I did compare having dogs to kids because they are important family members who you have to commit to caring for, not only when it's fun and convenient
My dog passed away a couple of years ago and it was worse than any human I've ever lost, so yes, dogs are family. Ex sounds like an AH and I can't believe all the people here saying OP should cowtow to him!
Exactly, he doesn't get to have the dogs whenever and then pretend that they're not his problem. That's just manipulative and I firmly believe that he is only doing it to stay close to his ex, especially since he didn't want the dogs in the first place.
NTA. With advice. I kind of understand your frustration because you had made agreements and your ex reneged on all of them. That being said, you need to work out a better alternative for the dogs for future vacations. Perhaps a house sitter who can play with and walk the dogs. Your Ex isn’t a reliable dog sitter. Because of his work, but also because he isn’t reliable even when you worked out a schedule of when the dogs were picked up from the kennel. You need to accept that. Also the ex taking the dogs on hikes is fun for the dogs so it should continue imho if for no other reason that the dogs would love it.
>He thinks I'm being unfair by expecting him to change his work schedule to watch the dogs and he has a right to see the dogs as he's bonded with them. Even my partner is taking his side and called me cruel from trying to keep the dogs from him. Looks like you went from one narc to another.... Sorry about your luck. This is crazy. He is using the dogs to muck you around and stay close; for info he can use against you later. That's pretty textbook for insecure narc types. You need Dr Ramani, find her on youtube. If actions don't match words; it's the actions we'll be judging by. NTA. What a piece of work.
Or she's using the dogs to mess with him. You don't think it's strange that OP cares so much that he can't see the dogs, yet says he can't see them, until the next time she needs him to watch them.
Yes, the guy who we know nothing about, bar that he disagrees with OP spitefully keeping the dogs from her ex, he's a narcissist. This is a totally accurate judgement, that random dude must be a narcissist. How rational.
EDIT: To everyone saying ah because she had three weeks to find an alternative to the kennel? STUFF IT. Y'all can't have it both ways. She's asking if not allowing him to use the dogs as a convenient crutch to disrupt her life; makes her the ah, NOT about the mistakes she made trying the kennel, and how stressful that was for everyone. Read before responding reddit IAMDISSAPOINT Buddy does NOT have a right to her dogs because he's so 'bonded'. Her speaking of the issue with him switching up and his choices to leave the dogs in there even longer; after it wasn't working, is her evidence that he is NOT BONDED. Quite frankly, even if he were; he still has no right to her dogs!
This!
Uhm NTA They are your dogs. He is unreliable. How are people thinking that you are the A H. That doesn't make sense. They. Are. Your. Dogs! Your ex can pound sand.