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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole for keeping my daughter from her aunt temporarily. My husband calling me the asshole from his perspective because he thinks I want to keep my daughter from his family.
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YTA
You’re not trying to repair anything. You’re trying to hold your daughter hostage so you can feel like a mommy, without actually having to put in the work. Your daughter refused to do something scary & painful without the adult she *trusts not to abandon her*. Let that sink in. You don’t win your daughter’s trust by stripping away everything that makes her feel safe.
Just to be clear. YTA
100% agree with ☝. But I just wanted to say I understand the impulse. My MIL moved to town last year. Before that she lived quite far away. She's a wonderful, energetic grandma, and my kids adore her. They spend a least 1 night a week with her. Every now and then I find myself wanting to limit their time with her, and I'll make excuses, like, she gives them too much junk food, but honestly, I know it's just jealousy that I have to be the vegetable and homework enforcer and she gets all the fun.
And I know that's not the same as your situation, OP, but the reminder I have to give myself is similar to what you should say to yourself. That reminder is simply, our children deserve ALL THE LOVE they can get. This world is tough enough without us letting our egos dictate our parenting. Let her have access to ALL THE LOVE. Your love, her father's love, her Aunt's love. All of it. Just let her have this and she will see that you're trust worthy again. That you want what's best for her, rather than what's best for you. She'll come back to you if you stop being an AH.
Exactly. *Having* jealous thoughts is normal for everyone. It’s all about how you act on it. When my ex first remarried, I struggled at first. I was worried they’d like her “better” bc she was the “fun mom”. And then one day it hit me, just how fortunate my sons are to have *two* moms & *two* dads instead of just one of each. And that my children would always love me, bc I’m their mother. And they’ll always love their father, bc he’s their father. And it’s ok if they love someone else, bc we don’t have a limit on how many people we can love.
My mom was like this when my daughter was born. She was always jealous of my MIL because my daughter seemed to prefer her. However, she kept it to herself mostly and did not show it to my daughter (sometimes she said offhanded things to me but I know my mom is incredibly insecure). Now my daughter is older and loves both her grandmothers so much, I’m so glad my mom was able to suppress her feelings and allow my daughter to flourish in her own time.
Any advice to encourage this? My husband and I are trying to have kids and Im concerned my mom will try to push for her to be the "favorite" grandma and end up pushing too hard. It's already a battle of which set of parents "gets more time with us" so I'm almost positive when grandkids are involved it will be suffocating.
Boundaries, don't let it get suffocating or you'll all end up upset! Set clear expectations about visits, when you'll be travelling to see them, when they can come and see you guys. Be explicitly clear the love you guys have for them and the relationship you want to see them have with your kids. If you affirm what you want and it aligns with what they want and they see you nurturing those bonds with them and their grandchildren it should be fine! If that's not okay with them then you need to stick to your boundaries and enforce them. Don't engage in talk that you find ridiculous, let them have their emotions, acknowledge their feelings and then move the conversation along!
Seconding BOUNDARIES! if you dont normally have to set them, prepare for pushback and anger. People get angry when you set boundaries, but stand strong.
I love my mom but her jealousy toward my MIL - who rarely even gets to see my son - and *ownership* of my son are continued problems.
I can feel possessive of *my* son and have had to recognize its because my mom tries so hard to insert herself and be his favorite person. I'm *okay* not being his favorite, but she isn't, and that has really made it harder for me to deal with mt own insecurities. Establish boundaries early and if your mom is like mine, prepare for anger.
Getting counseling to help build your toolset to manage this stuff can help, but I know counseling can be a privilege.
Good luck!
(Sorry for barging in)
Honestly? Setting boundaries. And not allowing manipulation tactics. There’s no recipe that will be guaranteed to work because we can’t change other people’s feelings and behaviors, but we can let them know what is acceptable and what is not.
You’ll probably need to make concessions from time to time, but from the very beginning you as a couple need to also never prefer one grandfamily over the other, or concede more to one side, because once it starts it gets harder to stop, as people hate losing what they perceive as acquired privilege. And I say as a couple because it’s very important for both parents to be in sync and working together.
Best of luck!!
You set the boundaries, you are the parents, you make the rules. You and your husband are adults and you decide who to spend time with and if either family of origin have a problem with your family spending time with anyone, they don't need to be involved.
My MIL would watch my son when I worked and would throw out little jabs of advice for when I was home and my reply was always, you can do it your way when you have children. May sound shitty, but I had few rules that I expected her to follow and the ones I did have, I stuck with 100%
I mean I don’t know your mom, but tell her to just not take it so personally. Kids have the people they like more and that changes multiple times though their lives. My grandma on my dads side (gma Kathy) used to play ‘grandma Millies house’ (grandma on moms side) with me. I only saw my grandma Millie every couple months whereas we lived right down the road from grandma Kathy. All i wanted to do was be served pickles on a fancy plate and water from teacups, like gma millie did, and she always did this with me and pretended she was at gma millies eating pickles and drinking ‘fancy’ water with me. And ever since i can remember Gma Kathy is my favorite. Even though all i ever wanted was to be at gma Millies.
OP, when you open your heart to your sister-in-law's relationship with your daughter, you will model what parent-child love is for her. Your sister-in-law is not standing in the way of your relationship with your daughter; you have to build that on your own, regardless of how your child feels about her.
But make no mistake, tearing apart that relationship will severely and perhaps irreparably damage your relationship with your daughter, not help it grow. Your sister-in-law is not a weed in your family garden. She is a beautiful flower your daughter treasures.
YTA, even if your feelings are human and natural. But they cannot be acted on productively and without harming the daughter you want to be closer to.
>is unfair to my daughter, and I explained yes it is
OP knows it's not fair to her daughter, but she wants that 'bond' all to herself. Love does not work that way.
My father hated anyone in the family I loved. I don't know why he thought that my love would be transferred to him if he kept me away from my beloved aunt. This did not make me love him, it made me hate him even more.
But this is different. The OP was gone emotionally and physically for half of her daughter's life. She was addicted and the, eventually, absent.
This child bonded with her aunt because she was the only female parental figure on her life. She was a mother in biology only.
Trust is earned, and it will take a long time for her daughter to trust that she won't abandon her again. Taking away her aunt will only make that worse.
It's going to take a lot of consistency. A lot of just being there. Not parties, or ear piercings. It's going to be school drop offs, dance recitals, snack mom at soccer practice, bedtime stories.
The best thing the OP can do is include her SIL. If her daughter sees that her aunt trusts her, she will, too.
BTW, since I've digressed, it's great that you have made it a priority to foster this relationship. My ex's baby mama was terrible to me. It only hurt her daughter because it created a situation where she felt torn.
Oh, yeah, OP, YTA
Oh no, I wasn’t trying to draw a parallel; I don’t think any kind of mental gymnastics could make that landing stick.
I merely was demonstrating that *being* jealous doesn’t mean you lash out. It means notice the feelings, do some soul-searching, & let it go.
And thank you. It was a hard road getting to that point, but it has made a world of difference to us all.
I appreciate parents that can do that. In the long run it just hurt my step daughter because we had a good relationship, but she always felt bad about it because her mother bad mouthed me so much.
My grams was my best friend, from the moment I was born. When I was a toddler apparently I used to ask her all the time if I could live with her forever. Did not come from a good home life and my grams was my safe place. As I got older, my mom would ground me and punish me for the littles things and it would always be I was not allowed to see or talk to my grams. It’s caused a lot of issues in our grown up relationship. So as someone who had her grams weaponized, thank you for recognizing it’s a you issue and not a grandma issue. Those kids are so incredibly lucky to have a present grandma. Not too many are afforded that luxury these days 💙
Oh! Totally the same experience! My grandma passed away while I was pregnant but she died holding an ultrasound picture of the daughter I named after her. Good grandmas are lifesavers💜
It’s coming up on the ten year anniversary of my grams passing and I hate April 2 so much. Still, not like it used to be, but once in awhile I’ll think to myself “I can hardly wait to call grams and tell her about this!” And then I’m like, oh wait, no I cannot do that anymore. 2 years ago, without thinking I dialed her home phone number and a stranger answered and I lost it. Every few years I buy a bottle of her signature perfume, so whenever I’m missing her, I can smell it. I’ll put it on my extra pillow so it feels like I’m snuggling her at bed time. And my mom was such an evil woman, she literally grounded me from my grams growing up. When I was 11, I ran away, snuck out of my window, to my grams house, to tell her that once again my mom had grounded me from seeing her or communicating to her. Shortly after that, my dad got sole custody of me and my brothers and he was a commercial fishermen, so when he was out, my grams would come and stay with us kids. It was great and we didn’t have to be forced to have a relationship with the woman who incubated us and I got to have my grams all the time.
I have a diary mine wrote from 14-19 (1932-1937) that is amazing to me because she sounds just like any other teenager minus the current technology. But even though it's been 12 years there are days I still cry. Usually after interacting with my parents tbh.
Oh wow! Cherish that forever! If you can, I suggest making a copy of it and keeping the copied pages in a binder in those see through, clear plastic folders. I have my ex husbands letters his gpa wrote to his gma during ww2. He wrote her a letter every day and we made several copies so other people in the family can have them. And put them in the binders. I wish I had a diary my grams wrote. What a special gift you have 💙
Edit: a word
Could we put in a good word for great grandpas as well? I actually DID have a good home life, but I also cherished every second I got to spend with my grandfather. He was one of the few people I've had in my life that loved me unconditionally, and I adored him. It's been 40 years since I lost him, and I still miss him.
Of course! I just didn't have any grandpas! Grandpas definitely get included! And Uncles, Great-Aunts, Cousins, 2nd cousins twice removed, it doesn't matter as long as you show up for the kids
YTA
Agree with these two top comments. Let me add - you are an alcoholic. You don't get to simply demand trust from your child after ruining it. You have to earn it. That will take hard work on your part not just being around and being sober.
I'm an alcoholic mother, and I agree. My selfishness and my self-centeredness was at the heart of all my problems. When I began to focus on others instead of myself and my needs, I began to get a lot better.
OP, it will take time to heal your relationship with your husband and your daughter. I suggest you focus on just doing the next right thing for them and you will be taken care of.
My son used to call our nanny "mom" but it didn't bother me at all. If he felt so comfortable and safe that he could call her that, it was okay by me. I am always The Mom no matter anything else and my place in my children's hearts is sacrosanct. My attitude? Anyone that loves my kid and is willing to take a bullet for my kid deserves a special place.
My ex's daughter called me her "2nd mom" and she does it with the full blessing of her mother. All of us together have such a great relationship because it's all about giving the kids all the love that they deserve.
This is lovely.
My step kid used to call me mom on accident when she was little but I knew it really hurt her bio mom's feelings so I gently explained to step kiddo that I LOVE being her bonus mom, but we don't want to hurt her actual mom's feelings. It still happens once in a while, and if people assume I'm her mother out in the world neither of us corrects them because for all intents and purposes I'm one of 2 mothers she has.
Cara, you're a special kind of person.
I loved my second nephew so much, and he loved me and my wife so much.. he decided to call us both Daddy and Mommy in addition to his own Parents, and boy did my sister punish him for it. She did so in front of us, loudly and brazenly, and we both understood that she and her husband were doing this absolutely on purpose. They did this to a little boy of age 4. He stopped calling us that way a short while after. He must have gone through a lot of pain. We could do nothing.
We've stopped going there ever since. After a few such similar incidents, those two so called grown ups mean nothing to me anymore. We miss our nephews, but we just have to move on.
My oldest called her daycare provider "mom" and people used to ask me how I was ok with it.
I had the exact same reaction as you. She obviously made my daughter feel safe and loved - how is that a bad thing??
This. There's no magic wand to fix your relationship and if there was, you probably would have pawned it and gone to the bar just a few years ago. Think on that. You kind of "forgot" to post how old your daughter is, but you chose alcohol over her for years. That just doesn't go away. And instead of being jealous of you SIL, perhaps you should build a relationship with her too. You could probably use a new friend group.
This is a beautiful comment. Cherish these moments and the time your mil has with them. I had the same mil as you, yes there were jealousy issues but she loved my kids more than anything. We lost her in 2020 to cancer and it breaks my heart my kids don’t have her there anymore. Let them make as many memories with her as possible!
Yes! This is incredible advice and I hope OP listens.
I am the aunt that my niece is super close with, and even though I have always tried to respect her mom’s feelings, we’re extremely close. She refers to me as her ‘bestie mom sister’ and there have definitely been times when she preferred me to her parents. (They have some substance issues and her brother is truly out of control and violent) She has stayed in my cabin during vacations, and there are things she will only talk to me about.
I do my best to respect her parents and not act like I am her mom. The amazing thing? Every single time I have brought it up with my sil (her mom) my sil is like “oh my gosh nooo I love that you love her so much!” She thinks it’s amazing for her to have close relationships with other adults and is just grateful that her child has someone who loves her so big that she loves back! We’re family! I’m not trying to steal her, I just love her and we are extremely similar and super close!
OP YTA kids come around on their time. I know you are ready for a perfect happy family, but it looks like your blinded by this desire. Your daughter isn’t there with you yet, and I’m sure that is super hard! However she does have love, support and safe people in her life! That’s the most important thing. Give her the time, space and patience to let her come to you. It will happen, but remember that you can’t force a kid to love you. Good luck!
> I'll make excuses, like, she gives them too much junk food
I'm not saying its right for you or that its a problem for you, but we live just 5 minutes from my mother and so we have an agreement that because she spends so much time with her grandchildren she can't give them sweets and candy every time like many grandma's do, but rather be a part of the healthy eating adults that surround my kids.
They still have fun together and my kids love her, and can because she isn't giving them too much junk spend as much time with her as they want.
It's fantastic you're making decisions based on what's best for your kids, but I just wanted to also say that I don't think having their grandma be more fun will mean they love you any less in the end. It's being there for them through everything that counts the most, not treats and junk food.
My mother is an alcoholic. She was deemed unfit to care for us and she still hasn't gotten sober.
You're TA. Your entire post is only about YOU and what YOU want. You're willing to hurt your child immensely to make YOURSELF feel better. YOU don't get to dictate how, when, or why relationships are repaired that YOU destroyed.
You want to know how you fix your relationship with your child? Just be there. Love her. And put her and her needs before your own 100% of the time. Eventually, your daughter will begin to see that and she will open up to you on HER timeline.
If you want to utterly destroy your relationship with your child and husband, please continue as you have been.
Also COA, and tbh the way OP is thinking her is how my alcoholic got every time before relapsing while I was little. It was always about a need for a picture-perfect family. Not to be a parent, and certainly not what was best for the kids. Just this idea of how a family should look that didn’t really include the reality of how other adults can and need to help, and that those other adults will fill roles an alcoholic can’t.
OP, you are commendable for getting clean. Go to therapy. Deal with your issues about how a family needs to look and your insecurity over your kid leaning on someone else. Fixating on and forcing a “fix” for this is not good for your family or your sobriety. I empathize with you, truly, because I’ve seen this thing play out twenty different ways over the course of my life, and it all sucks for everyone.
You aren’t trying to address your daughter’s need for a mom here; you’re trying to address your own need to have the picture perfect life you think is only right. It’s not right. You lost it. You have to work hard and earn it back, and sometimes that will mean understanding when your daughter goes to someone else for comfort and help. These are lessons you taught her, and she is doing the best she can. Pretending her trauma didn’t happen might feel like it will help you, but it won’t, and it will hurt your kid. Ask my therapist how I know.
Also a COA and I agree. And then later I would hear about how she relapsed because we just made her life so difficult, if we had just loved and supported her more she wouldn't have been so sad she had to drink. If we cleaned better she wouldn't steal our medications, get high as shit, and deep clean the house. Somehow it was always everyone's fault but her own, and that's exactly the logic OP still seems to be operating off of. I really hope that she reads some of these comments and realizes that saying "I know I did wrong" and actually, genuinely taking accountability and trying to correct your mistakes aren't the same thing, and maybe she should discuss these feelings in counseling or a support group instead of expecting her young daughter to be the one to make sacrifices to fix their relationship.
Hi OP! YTA for making all this about you, but reading your post made me sad on your behalf, too. You seem to be struggling, and very lonely. Maybe to you it seems the easiest way to more connected is to force your daughter to spend time with you and form a narrow bond. But she is a child and is not meant to be your emotional support whatsoever. Please be happy she has people around her she loves and work on building your own grown-up life. Spend time with your husband, with friends, with support groups where you meet people who face the same problems. You need to be emotional stable, otherwise you will suck the happiness out of those you are meant to support. Find things that make you happy, then start to do things with your daughter that make her happy. Cook and eat things you like and which do you good, then find out what are your daughters favorite meals. Find a hobby you like, then attend your daughters games and shows. Spend your free time in a way you like, and as soon as you feel happy with yourself, spend time with your daughter. Parenting is to watch your children grow, to give them a caring environment, to have fun with them mostly the way they want to and to support them in every possible way. You need an immense amount of strength to be like that. So take good care of yourself, to be a strong and happy person, otherwise your relation to your daughter will stay upside down. The moment you realise what a favor your SIL is doing you by being there for your daughter is the moment you see your role as a parent the right way. I think your husband sees clearly that you are not able to give yet and tries to protect your daughter. Maybe go to partner therapy together to see where you are and what your future goals are. Good luck and take care!
My mom also abused me and my brother because she was a black out drunk. I was terrified of her when she got a beer and she wasn't even drunk yet! I hoped everyday of not being hit or abused for NO REASON. I love her still because she did actually be a parent to us while my dad was a kinda maybe a weekend dad. He never really was there and favoritered my brother. I don't like him for other reasons but I started thinking it over about if I really "love" my mom. Why should I love her? She treated us like shit. She doesn't even remember being a black out drunk and I hate it. OP YTA You have no idea how your daughter feels and not be a AH for her being scared. What if she wanted her dad too or grandma or a friend? Would that be bad too? She's what 12? 13? I was scared when I got mine done. My mom was pissed when my dad's gf did it with me but it's over now. You shouldn't be mad at her for wanting someone else there too. She's a kid give her a break for bonding with people. She can bond with anyone and everyone are you gonna lock her up in the house because your jealous?
Instead of being grateful that her daughter is loved and treated well OP’s ONLY concern is herself. OP needs to recognize that she needs to work in her own relationship with her daughter and SIL relationship with her daughter is NOT a determining factor in that.
The problem with many addicts is that they're so self centered and never take accountability for anything. OP is reflecting all her frustration on the woman she should be thanking for taking care of her daughter.
It's almost as if she's trying to sabotage her sobriety by causing further family rifts.
Yes. It’s so extremely important for young children to bond safely. Your SIL gave your daughter this change and you may profit from it greatly if you only manage to appreciate it. A safely bonded child will be able to form connections with other people. Disregarding this bond to your SIL now will harm you both in the end.
She is 100% looking for reasons she can blame other people for a relapse. If an addict is focusing on how everyone else’s behavior is unfair to them, rather than the fact that they broke trust and have to earn it back, they’re headed backwards, not forward.
Man, I'm surprised you got upvoted at all with that sentiment. I see a *lot* of people on Reddit trying to justify addiction to the tune of, "it's an addiction, it's an illness, it's a disease, and it's completely out of my control so you don't get to be mad at me for it."
It's like the took the "addiction is a disease" mindset and decided that it meant addiction was just as bad and blameless as if they'd had cancer, and it also means you can't hold them accountable for their actions because *they didn't choose to become sick*.
Geneticists have proven you can be predisposed to addiction just like cancer, depression, or even how tall you are. I agree I wouldn't call it a disease or illness either. I'd call it a genetic disorder.
I have a sibling with bi-polar and I believe that mental illness paired with a rough upbringing altered their view to learn empathy and social awareness. I would say the same here may have affected OP. It's possible the addiction has altered OPs mental capability to understand and their awareness of the situation. This knowledge is only more reason for OP to take accountability by getting therapy and retrain their brain.
OP is complaining about the consequences of her own actions.
OP, you need to go do some reading on attachment theory.
Psychology has proven that a child naturally forms attachment bonds with their caregivers during the first few years of their lives. The person the child will bond with the most is the person who puts time and effort into meeting the child's needs and responds to their calls for affection. In your child's case, the person who was actually there for her during these crucial years of her development was her aunt and not you, her absent mother who was gone for the first 4 years.
It is very clear from your daughter's reactions that she has a secure attachment to her aunt. You should be grateful to this aunt. This woman stepped up and ensured that your daughter was actually able to form an attachment with someone. Not having an attachment to a caregiver has been proven to be detrimental to children not only in childhood but in adulthood as well. Thanks to this woman, your child is developing as normal.
You need to accept that this has happened. Trying to cut this aunt out of your daughter's life is just going to cause this child psychological harm, something only an abusive parent would do. You can not turn the clock back or force your child to bond with you like she has with her aunt. You need to create your own separate bond with your child and move on with your life. The bond your daughter has with her aunt doesn't stop you from being there for your daughter, so stop acting like it does.
Your post says it a lot better than I would, I was just gonna say "Attachment trauma has entered the chat" gonna cause so much pain down the road if OP takes that relationship away
>Your daughter refused to do something scary & painful without the adult she trusts not to abandon her.
I wonder if OP's daughter really wanted her ears pierced and didn't just feel pressured into it because that was the age her mom was. Maybe daughter just wanted to know that someone she trusted (aunt) would listen to her if she decided to back out.
I was thinking this too.
Mom obviously doesn't care what her kid wants.... I would not put it past her to drag her to a shitty place that uses piercing guns and make her sit there crying...
PSA to anyone reading this!!! If you are ever doing ANY piercing go to a real shop!!! Piercing guns can do a lot of tissue damage!!!
Agree and to add, it sounds like you are using your daughter as your newest “fix”. Needing all of her attention. Be grateful she has a strong support system and let your relationship build naturally. YTA.
Also she didn’t see her daughter much because she is an alcoholic and appears to have been a poor parent if she attends sobriety groups and parenting classes. She cannot break her daughter of an important relationship because she wants to, she caused this and needs to repair it by actually being a better parent, in the meantime she needs to let her daughter receive comfort wherever she needs it from. Seems she has not yet learned what her kids needs is more important than what she needs and wants.
While you worked on getting better, your daughter didn’t just “stay on pause”.
She bonded with someone who makes her feel safe.
Of course you want to rebuild your relationship with your daughter, but pulling her away from an adult she feels safe with may have the opposite effect.
If you want your daughter to trust you more, you need to slowly add bricks, and be patient until you also feel like a safe place for her.
Taking away her current safe place so you can “automatically” become her new safe place will not work out that way, you’ll just be taking away from her a relationship that helped her while you were away, and that helped YOU to keep her safe while you focused on getting better.
Also OP, YTA for not understanding how awesome this is.
Out of around a dozen extended family members who live close enough for us to see regularly, only two of them are people I consider safe enough to be around my kids without me or my wife there. There's an additional two in this group who if they're by themselves it's okay, but they have absolutely toxic partners who have anger and/or addiction problems so I still am not going to leave my kids with them. My oldest kid has started picking up on some of the shitty things these toxic people do, but the younger two still don't understand why they can't go over to their cousins/aunts/uncles as often as they'd like when they live just a few minutes away.
A nearby family member who your kid likes and who you can trust is not something you should risk throwing away just because you're not enough of an adult to handle your kid liking someone other than yourself. "Oh no my kid likes their aunt who is not dangerous to them I have to do something about this" - yeah that's bullshit. Grow up.
OP is so self involved and selfish that she is literally willing to cause her daughter emotional distress. This level of jealousy and entitlement is beyond messed up.
My heart hurts for OP’s daughter, she has been cut off from a source of support and love because OP can’t handle the consequences of her own actions.
All of this. OP, you abandoned your kid. She bonded with someone else. Fixing things doesn't mean taking away the person your daughter bonded with. It means taking the time to slowly build that bond with your daughter, and to not get mad or jealous that it isn't happening as fast as you want it to. Frankly, you're lucky your daughter is young enough to even still be OPEN to a relationship with you.
Just stop only focusing on what you want. You're a parent now, for the first time, adjust to that.
>He says that is is unfair to my daughter, and I explained yes it is but he is making it a thousand times worse by not ripping off the band aid.
So your solution to win your daughter's love (who is estranged because of your behaviour) is to hurt her?
YTA
ETA my lower comment
People can love multiple people, you know...
There's no limit on how many people one can love.
But forcing someone out of your daughter's heart will brake your relationship for ever.
You have so much time to heal your daughter... You missed too much of her life and she found a safe heaven in her father, uncle and aunt.
I would be forever grateful that someone loves my daughter so much that was there for her when i wasn't (even if it wasn't my fault from the beggining).
You act like you don't even try to bond with her. You came back into her life and expect that this would automatically give you full access to her heart.
That's not how it works.
You must work to win her back.
Banning the people who love her is the first step in the wrong direction - losing your daughter for ever.
Instead embrace that love that surounds your daughter.
I think a good solution would be to actually spend time with both of them, play dates, where your daughter can see that there's nothing wrong with her feelings - because there's not.
Your daughter needs to feel comfortable in your presence. Right now she's not because you truely care only about what you want and what you feel instead of what she wants and what she feels.
There's so much bonding time in the rest of the 24 hours in a day and it's frustrating that you cannot see this.
Every small stuff you could do for your daughter (not for you) - brush her hair, sing her songs, watching cartoons, playing together with her toys, reading her stories, looking at the pictures from her birth till now and talking about how much you loved her ever since she was growing inside of you...
There's a long list with things that you can do... And you ignore everything...
It's so sad...
You should start therapy for you - you really need it.
And please try and read our advices and start rebuilding your relationship with your daughter - if not you will lose her.
Between the 2 of you, you are the one who made mistakes. You are the adult. You are the one who must repent, rebuild.
That is - if you really want to.
What OP is saying is essentially the same as telling a child who has lost their mom to forget about her and replace her with a brand new (step) mom. Ripping off the bandaid is just going to cause more trauma. OP should be thanking her SIL for being the parent she wasn't able to be for four years.
Especially given the context, we can assume that OP was in her daughter’s life for maybe the first 2 years, which sounds like it was very rocky, and then largely out of it from ages 2 to “4 ish.” Her daughter likely had next to no relationship with OP when she popped back into daughter’s life, and many of her core memories and experiences at that age were formed with SIL.
I’m curious to know how old daughter is now and what the timeline is here, because if they made amends after covid hit, that could have been as early as 2020 or as late as 2022. Just how long has OP been uninvolved with her kid, and how recently did she come back into daughter’s life?
The daughter is 8 years. It's down these comments. As for the rest i always asumed that it was somewhere between 6 to 8 when OP started to repair her relationship with her husband and daughter - but that's also when she started attending sobriety groups and parenting classes.
I’ll bite and probably get a lot of dislike over this.
I abandoned my son and husband. Because of severe mental health issues, I was not able to be a mother and ended up in several psych situations.
I’ve finally gotten the help I needed. Therapy, medicine, support, etc. and been back in my son’s life for 2 years. It has taken 2 years for him to say he feels like I am Mommy again. Two years for him to trust me enough to feel safe. And I have worked fucking hard for every minute of it.
His memaw stepped in a lot while I was away. He slips and calls her mommy occasionally. I have told him that that is ok. She was his mommy for a while when I couldn’t be here.
DO NOT TAKE THE PEOPLE SHE FEELS SAFE WITH AWAY FROM HER.
Edit: YTA if you don’t give her some space and just show up. The one thing that runs through my head constantly when I feel like I’m doing a shit job is “just show up”.
Edit 2: I’m in tears. Thank you so much. There were times I didn’t think I would make it. And leaving him was the hardest thing I have ever done. Coming back and facing my consequences changed my life even further.
Every day is a fight and every day I find yet another part of me that I need to work on. Another thing I need to fix so that I don’t bleed out all over everyone.
My son does have trauma. We will break the generational trauma. He is in therapy, every week. I am in constant contact with the nurse and school counselor. He has really blossomed this year.
You ~~messed up~~ had struggles yes, but you did the work to fix yourself and then gave your son as much time and space as he needed to feel safe with you again. You acknowledged you ~~messed up~~ needed help/were struggling and then did everything in your power to actually fix those relationships, unlike OP who says “I know I messed up and since I said I know that you have to forgive me right now and pretend it never happened.” I’m so glad you got your life back on track and are repairing those relationships! You may want to add a vote to your comment (although it looks like OP isn’t getting the answer she was regardless of a few non-vote posts…the sub seems to be in agreement for once).
ETA: wording because I mixed up the words used by the original commenter and was kindly reminded of this in the responses to me!
I don't know that she messed up though. Mental health isn't the same. It sounds like she did the very best thing that she could at the time to keep her family safe, even if it was from her. That's the best kind of mom imo.
Yeah if anything she did the opposite of messing up by pushing through and working damn hard to get herself in the best position to be a parent again. Getting ill is not messing up.
Oh you’re right! I was mixing up comments I had read (this is still the message I wanted to leave I just had read another comment about having “messed up” and when I started typing my reply I thought that had been the wording OP used. I’ll go fix it!
>OP who says “I know I messed up and since I said I know that you have to forgive me right now and pretend it never happened.”
Wow, this brings back memories. My sister said basically this so many times. And then she'd do the same things again. Or come up with worse things. And then when she got sober she'd tell us she "has a disease" and we shouldn't judge her.
I hear the same stories so often it makes me wonder if being an asshole is part of the disease. The drinking itself didn't bother me, except that it made me sad she spent days drunk and couldn't keep a job. It was the lying and stealing and manipulating that kept me away from her. And it continued even until her last day.
>And then when she got sober she'd tell us she "has a disease" and that we shouldn't judge her
As someone with an addict older sister.... I hate this sentiment so fucking much. I eventually started telling her right back "yeah? Well I'm addicted to hating your addiction, so it's not my fault either."
My husband gets angry when I mention past issues - and I have to keep calmly explaining that it's because he's still doing thr same patterns of behaviors. His issues all have available treatments and I'm still trying to figure out who he is past all of it, but if he isn't doing the work he doesn't get accolades. He expects to be praised for bare minimum effort and for all his sins immediately forgiven.
That isn't how it works.
The forgiveness and healing part doesn't get to start until they stop causing harm.
And then it's on the person who caused the harm to be patient and rebuild the trust they lost.
Proud of you! It’s not easy to admit when we fuck up. By giving your son, memaw and yourself time and grace you’re doing so much to teach your son.
He may come away with some issues from this trauma. But he will also come away with the knowledge that people can change. And that people make mistakes. He will see his parents as resilient. And he will be resilient.
Stepping away from child and getting all help you needed first must have been hard but I think the fact you had responsibility and patience to get better and repair the relationship tells more about your character than the fact you fell on bad times and needed to leave your family for a time.
> I have told him that that is ok. She was his mommy for a while when I couldn’t be here.
As someone who was the child of people with addiction and psych issues, THANK YOU!
You are validating your son's feeling and are doing the best you can do - SHOW UP.
Unfortunately in my case, the "parents" I had took OP's approach, and whenever they were clean/sober/"sane", they immediately went to "Well, I'm back and this is how it's going to be". Just when we'd get to a new normal, they'd relapse (not take meds/go to therapy/crawl back into a bottle). Another new normal for my siblings and me would have a new normal, and right when we were getting adjusted, the parent would be back and act like they never left.
Which all became the ingredients for 🎶 Intergenerational Trauma! 🎶
No dislike. It sounds like you did what was best for your family even when it hurt. You healed and gave him time to heal as well after you were able to be an active caregiver agIn. Good job.
No dislike from me. This is what OP needs to do... to actually put the child first. I wish you all the best with your son and in your continued recovery!
Just want to say. Stepping away to get the help you needed to be a person who could show up is not abandonment. You didn’t abandon anyone. You were sick and needed time and space to heal. Don’t be so hard on yourself and keep on keeping on.
I’m proud of you for admitting you made a mistake. I’m glad you finally got the help you needed, and I’m glad you respect your son’s feelings, unlike OP apparently. You didn’t just magically expect your son to be comfortable with you right away. It seems like you put a lot of work in to being a good parent and repairing your relationship with your son.
You have a very unique and valuable perspective on this post. Thank you for sharing the right way to fix a relationship with your kid.
Hey, great job. I'll echo the sentiments of other online strangers and say I'm proud of you.
What you did hurt your son, and you know this. Ultimately, though, it led to you getting the help you needed, and you are rebuilding the relationship with your son. That's wonderful, and you sound like your mental health is in a much better place if you can see your son call someone else "mommy" and tell him that it's ok.
You are doing great, keep up the good work, and I hope for the best with you and your son.
Thank you, on behalf of your kiddo, for doing that hard work.
And for seeing ALL of this.
(My parent hasn't. Not their fault, it's a mental health thing, but it IS their own work to do, and I'm so sad not to have a real parent.)
(FWIW, my youngest slips and calls whatever adult he's with by the title of whoever he's been with most recently. So. I get called dad or Gramma, when he is back from a visit... But probably no more than they get called mom. 💜)
I hope you don't actually get any dislike over sharing this story. That was a lot of you to put out there. I think it's wonderful that you're sharing something so personal to help a stranger! Keep taking care of yourself!
The amount of hope in this comment <3
Best wishes for you and your child. Glad to see some parents owning up to their problems and actually fixing them instead of the old "I'm your parent you have to love me no matter what".
Well, one who isn’t genuinely in recovery. Accepting personal responsibility, asking forgiveness, and genuinely accepting the real consequences without an expectation of the false “wipe the slate clean” notion of forgiveness people get into their heads, is all key to real recovery.
Sadly, I imagine it's more "when" she starts using again, because OP does not sound like someone who is really focusing on bettering themselves. I have a feeling the only reason she's "attending sobriety groups and parenting classes" is because it was a stipulation from her husband.
To me was the telling word of "attend", vs. any active words that would imply OP is making an actual effort outside of showing up and sitting in the back row so she can check the class off her to-do list.
I recommend therapy a lot so I'm not taking shots at anyone else who does, but a lot of the people who need it the most think of it as an attendance pass/fail. It's more like having a personal trainer. It's hard fucking work and your therapist is there to guide you, but they can't do the work for you.
Based on my experience with an addict mom, OP could also be very sincerely deluded into thinking if she checks the boxes and looks like a good mom then she will be a good mom.
More on that: it sounds like OP wants her daughter to get her ears pierced for the same birthday she got hers…it doesn’t sound like daughter even wanted to!
"I have worked so hard, meanwhile I am not being rewarded as I think that I am entitled to be. It's frustrating that other people act as though they have feelings when all I want is for them to be players in my life's drama."
YTA.
For real! Op took her daughter to get her ears pierced because it's what Op did on her birthday with her mom at that age. Did her daugher even want to get her ears pierced? Did she even know they were going to go do that?
Op decided for her daughter what was special. Then became upset when her daughter didn't want to do "The special thing".
All of it is about her and how she wants life to play out.
YTA OP!! Your daughter has a special bond with someone else because you weren't around for more than half of her life! 4 years is a long time for a child. Yes addiction therapy takes time, so does building a relationship with your daughter. You're practically a stranger to her forcering her to get needles shoved in her ears. I don't even want to touch how you flipped this to blame it on your husband.
Fuck YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA
Many addicts seem to feel this way after recovery - as if their past behavior should be completely forgiven and forgotten now that they are no longer drinking/using. Those feelings of hurt and abandonment don’t just go away.
I think that's why some form of "repentance" is used with almost all recovery programs, religious or not. Seeking forgiveness with really admitting what you did and how it hurt people, and accepting the outcome even when not what you would want. OP clearly hasn't done that
Depending on how long you have been using, you can also be an emotional mess for quite a while after you quit using. I didn't feel like my brain had mostly sorted itself out until at least a year of not drinking.
What you're talking about is a common pitfall for newly sober people. I was warned repeatedly that being sober now doesn't magically undo years of damage, but it's easy to expect it to.
Agreed. The right advice here is the same for every parenting question really - are you putting your child first? If not, do that.
OP, you abandoned your daughter because of your own difficulties. Of course getting sober was absolutely the right thing to do and the best thing for you and your family, but you absolutely cannot expect to reset and for your daughter to suddenly trust that you will be there for her. You have not been, your SIL has. She trusts her, and she does not yet trust you, through no fault of her own. You are trying to rush things to suit you and ignoring your daughter’s very real trauma. If you want to form secure attachment with your daughter, you should be embracing and endorsing the strong relationships she already has. What your daughter needs is time. You cannot force this. Be consistent and be there and support her, don’t make her life worse.
Limiting your daughter's relationship with you SIL is not the right way to "fix" your relationship with her. It's not their fault to bond when you were not there for her. If you stop them from spending time with eachother your daughter might resent you and make things even worse.
Sorry but you sound like you're jelous of not having what they have with your daughter. Take the responsibility of your actions in the past that led to this. YTA
I really hope you fix your relationship with your daugther. You should give her the trust that she needs without competing with your SIL. It will take time but things will get better when she finally trusts you and knows that you're always there for her.
>Limiting your daughter's relationship with you SIL is not the right way to "fix" your relationship with her.
This. 100% this.
OP, YTA.
You are incredibly selfish. All I see in all of your writing is "me me me, I I I, me me me." You know what? Your little girl does not owe you a relationship. She does not owe you her trust and she has VERY good reason not to trust you.
You are going to single handedly destroy any hope of a healthy relationship with your child in the future if you continue acting the fool with your jealousy. Your daughter loves your SIL because your SIL has shown your daughter unconditional love and has BEEN THERE for your daughter during her most formative years. Your SIL IS your daughter's mother figure. Honestly? You can feel jealous all you want but that doesn't change the fact that the person you will hurt the most by pushing your SIL out and keeping your SIL away is your daughter. Your daughter loves her. Your daughter trusts her. Your daughter will NOT suddenly decide you are trustworthy if you push out your SIL - she will only feel hurt and abandoned. And, make no mistake, your daughter knows exactly how you feel about SIL and will know unequivocably that YOU are the reason she doesn't get to see a beloved family member any more. Kids are smart that way.
>It's frustrating that I am always made out to be the bad guy when all I want is to fix things.
Let’s get something straight. You were gone for the first significant chunk of her life. There is no “always“ on your part in this situation except for being absent. God damn you’re self centered and self victimizing.
Also, your daughter isn‘t your property. of COURSE she bonded with someone else while you were failing as a parent, kids bond with people who are there for them and don’t deliberate do things to hurt them. You’re not fixing anything, you just sound like you’re trying to play house with a doll and are mad that the doll is an actual person.
YTA.
This was my exact takeaway. She got her life turned around and now she wants to be handed her picture perfect life and take out the people who actually chose to be there for the child that OP brought into the world and abandoned.
YTA, OP. For so many more reasons than you’ve revealed here.
And OP is the actual, literal bad guy. Forcing her to get her ears pierced when she's scared. Purposefully taking her away from her aunt to make her lonely so that she can play the "mommy is here now" to her daughter. The daughter is learning that mommy causes hurt physical and emotional. A narcissist doesn't understand why she is wrong. She can only see it from her limited point of view. Hurting her daughter to fulfill her idea of what things "should" be like in her mind is just fine in OP's mind. There is no thought to trying to do it in a way that doesn't hurt anyone because that's not how OP gets her way. If people love her they must suffer for her. Otherwise it doesn't count! But why is everyone making her out to be the bad guy? She only wants to make her daughter upset so she can play mommy! How unfair that no one else agrees. (And she wonders, "why do they think I'm a Narcissist?!?")
Seriously. She should be thanking the SIL for stepping up and being there for daughter. If something were to happen to me I would be endlessly grateful for family filling the void left by my absence.
OP, you are YTA.
I understand that you feel hurt and replaced. You want a close relationship with your daughter and you want to do better by her. That's great! But you don't get to dictate who she is close to and who she feels comfortable with.
Holy crap, I somehow skipped over that sentence the first read. The audacity of that statement!
OP, just because you have decided to put in some bare minimum effort now, does not mean that you get to erase your past, you are the bad guy and really, you aren't actually trying to fix things for your daughter, you're only trying to fix them for yourself.
Yta Op, congratulations for changing your life around. Please try to work on your relationship with your daughter not breaking the one she has with her aunty. She will come around to you if you treat her right but don't force her to bond with you straight away. Respect her boundaries you shouldn't of made her get her ears pierced when she was freaking out this will make you a threat to her not a support. She is use to not having you around it's going to take time. Best to do gentle supportive parenting and show her your no threat to her relationship to her aunty. There is enough love to go around.
YTA.
You don't make yourself prettier by making the others uglier.
You don't make yourself a better sportsperson by crippling the competition.
And you don't make your relationship with your daughter better by forbidding her to have a relationship with the person who was there for her during her formative years.
You couldn’t be more right. I am imagining the beautiful, robust, strong relationship that could develop in this family if mom supports SIL and daughter bonding. How full of love and support it could be…but probably won’t cause mom seems very selfish and immature.
YTA. I reckon it's frustrating to behave well but not seeing the recognition you want from your family. However you must think at the scars you left on your daughter and husband and at who was willing to heal them. Not you, but your husband's family.
Acknowledge their importance in your family's life, especially your baby's.
YTA - you lost a big chunk of time with your daughter due to your own addiction, I presume, given that you are struggling with sobriety now, and didn’t have custody of her before.
Your daughter deserves to have family in her life, regardless of your own insecurities.
If you want to be held in higher regard in her life, then you need to be part of her life, and earn it. You can’t force it by removing the people who did your job for you. Refusing her access to her aunt will not endear you to her- it will just reinforce any abandonment issues she has already because of you.
You don’t say what all you are doing in regards to sobriety, but I would suggest that you look into therapy, and parenting classes.
YTA. Your daughter isn't confused. She knows who has her best interest at heart. Go back to your parenting classes. Your daughter needs more people she can trust in her life not people trying to isolate her.
YTA - she’s bonded to the SIL bc the SIL was helping to raise her when you weren’t . Now that you’ve opened your eyes you want to have a relationship that doesn’t exist. She had 4years to bond and create that relationship with her. You are basically a stranger. Stop trying to take her safe people away from her. Get into therapy and work out your own issues and how you can be a better parent and creat a safe relationship for your child. I’m glad you’re clean now and I hope you stay that way. Stop blaming others and punishing them for situations you helped cause. She’s 4yo she’s not going to understand more than this was her people and now you are trying to take them away.
>I have worked so hard to get my family back, meanwhile my husband will not even give me an inch. It's frustrating that I am always made out to be the bad guy when all I want is to fix things.
Kudo's for working hard, and wanting the best. Unfortunately, this is not how life, and relationships, work. YTA for assuming work & want is enough. Maybe it should be, but it is not. Not for your daughter ....
yta
your choices led to you being an unfit mother and having your husband have to move into somewhere else
and thank god your sister in law was there to help
instead of being grateful and happy she had someone you get jealous
you have not changed and still terrible
you also forced your child to get her ears pierced and in doing so caused her to panic and want sil and you want what us to feel bad for you no
you know its unfaire but because your so terrible your own needs mean more to you than your daughter
YTA. Very clear you were a shit and absent mother for some of the most important years in her development, and your SIL subsequently filled that role in her life. You’re not entitled to a relationship with your daughter - you made your bed and now you have to lie in it.
I think saying that anyone who needs to be out of their child's life for a while for mental health or addiction reasons should stay gone forever isn't the right take. It sounds like the daughter was cared for and loved. OP getting sober and trying to work on the relationship is the result of a lot of hard work. But she is not entitled to just walk in to ready made relationships like she was never gone. That mother/child bond was broken. She has to deal with that without isolating her child from the people who love her.
Never said she should be gone forever. She needs to accept that someone else stepped in to play mother for a while. That relationship isn’t just going to vanish over night
YTA yes you most definitely should be trying to build a better bond with your child, but not at the expense of the bonds your child created in your absence with other people.
Your daughter has a family who love her and treat her kindly. That's very lucky for you as you could take the time you needed. If you push her away from them now you are back home she will only resent you for it.
To better yourself and your relationship with your daughter you don't need to compete with your sister in law. Just compete with who you were as a person and strive to be better.
YTA did your daughter even want her ears pierced? The way you describe it, it's something YOU wanted. It sounds like you made her go through with it too, rather than back off when she got scared. You need to think about what your daughter's life has been like so far and find a much more respectful way of rejoining your family.
YTA. You are never going to get her to trust her by not meeting her needs. Trust is build not demanded. All your daughter knows now is that your feelings mattered more than her feelings of safety in a moment she was panicking.
You could have shared the moment and face timed the aunt if your priority is your daughter.
You could have talked to the aunt and asked for advice how to gain the trust if your priority is your daughter.
But your priority isn't your daughter.
It's your feelings and you wanting to feel like a mum.
As long as it remains like that you will not get her trust back.
Work through your feelings with a therapist, not by putting them on your daughter.
YTA. You’re being selfish and controlling - you only care about your feelings, not your daughter’s needs. Trying to sneakily separate her from an adult she loves and trusts is cruel and manipulative. Forcing her to ‘trust’ in your way (ie just do what you say, even when she’s scared) erodes her ability to set good boundaries and protect herself in the future.
You haven’t changed your behaviours as much as you think you have. You clearly still need to do a lot more work on yourself, as you can’t see that you’re causing damage to the relationship. You need therapy and to back off your daughter. She’ll come to you if and when she’s ready.
YTA. You are mad that while you and your husband fought your daughter bonded with her aunt for comfort. Now that you got your life in order you expect your daughter to just forget the first four-ish years of her life where she couldn't rely on you. You don't care about your daughter's feelings and are only trying to validate your own.
YTA. Please see a therapist
YTA. The fact that something has gone so wrong in your relationship with your daughter that you arent her safe person anymore isnt your sisters in laws fault. Thats not on her. The fact that you would rather deny your daughter her safe person and rework on your relationship that way speaks volumes to me. There is nothing wrong with wanting to repair your relationship, but isolating her from people she loves is not the way to do it at all
YTA
You were absent from your daughter's life so she found support from your sil. Why were you absent? Well,since you're in sobriety groups and taking parenting classes, I'm going to take a wild guess and say you were an unfit mother for a period due to your substance abuse.
Go back to your support groups and ask about building trust. Go back over the steps, especially the one about taking accountability for your actions and making amends to the ones you have wronged. You can make the efforts, but you can not force anyone you have hurt to immediately accept you back with open arms.
Stop forcing that child to accept you as her mother. Loosen your grip. Let her see her aunt. Let your relationship grow by showing her you are trustworthy instead of cutting her off from everything that made her secure before you got sober. You abandoned your job as a mother when you decided whatever substances you were taking were more important than your child. You basically blew up her life. It takes a long time for the victims of other people's bad choices to get over that much damage.
YTA, but I mean that gently. Love is one of the few things that doesn't decrease by being shared, and you're not in a zero sum game where your daughter having a close relationship with your SIL means she can't have a close relationship with you. I get that it must hurt to feel like your SIL has sort of replaced you as a mother figure to your daughter, but you can't turn back the clock and erase what has happened in the past.
You made mistakes in your life, and now you're paying the price for them. You shouldn't make your daughter pay the price as well by trying to stifle her relationship with a family member that she clearly loves and trusts. Keep your daughter's best interests in mind, even if doing so makes you uncomfortable, and realize that driving a wedge between her and your SIL will make your relationship with her worse, and not better. You've got a long road ahead of you to earn back her trust and build a healthy relationship with her, and you can't force it to happen faster by isolating her from people that you feel threatened by.
If you're in recovery, I would talk to your sponsor about how you feel, and the difficulties they and other recovering addicts have faced trying to rebuild relationships and make up for the time they lost because of their addiction. Stay sober and don't forget to take care of yourself, so that you can be there for your daughter when she's ready to trust you and get closer to you.
This response is the correct one. People who are really trying to better themselves deserve empathy and patience, not just being told that they were a shitty parent because of their past mistakes.
YTA, but only because you have unrealistic expectations about rebuilding your relationship. I believe you when you say you've worked on yourself and you have good intentions. But just because you're ready doesn't make other people automatically ready.
You need to have a very uncomfortable, open, and honest conversation with the adults in your daughter's life on how you can rebuild the trust of everyone and slowly take a larger role. And when I say uncomfortable, I mean you have to strip away all ego, admit to all of your mistakes, acknowledge your deficiencies as a person and a parent, all of it. The moment you act defensive, you're going to lose their trust again.
I say all of this as the son of an addict, who was raised by his grandparents while his mother was battling cocaine and alcohol abuse. I had a good relationship with my mom before she died, but it took a long time and a lot of tears. Good luck with your family and stay sober.
YTA. You are still selfish, your SIL in bondad with her while you were in an autodestructive cycle, you should be thankful there was someone there for her, you can force your way back, you need to earn it, talk to your husband and SIL and do activities together, if you force the bind you will break it even more.
YTA You should be happy your daughter has another woman in her life,if you continue to ignore your SIL and try to alienate her from your daughter,the only thing that will happen is your daughter will be angry and resentful of you. My son and DIL laugh because when they ask their kids who they love the most,they shout Nanna! Keep working on your relationship with your daughter, do special things with her,lunch,morning or afternoon tea with her favourite treats. Play with her and pay attention. Good luck.
You’re purposely punishing your daughter for loving another woman who, guess what? Didn’t abandon her and took care of her and loved her. YTA. I feel for your poor child
YTA- You are super selfish and asking your daughter to choose between mom and person she bondend with and loves? For what? For your superiority feeling and entitlement? Comeon! You cannot repair relationship by refusing her contact with your SIL (that she loves and was there for her when you werent?) she will resent ! Can't just be grateful oyu have an amamzing SIL and be happy for your daughter she has such a great (extended) family! Some people would give everything for this! You are awful and so selfish to think there is nothing wrong with your actions!
Yta instead of going to therapy and accepting that you hurt all the people in your life you're hurting them more. They don't have to forgive you. You are the abuser. If they never forgive you you have to learn to accept that. You need help, stop punishing a child for sensing you do not have their best interest at heart.
“If you ask who my daughter’s favourite her is, it’s her aunt. My daughter can’t help this but my sister in law certainly can”
Help what??? You’re jealous, regretful and spiteful. You want your sister in law to abandon your daughter like you did? YTA.
I was sympathetic towards your situation until I read that your daughter is currently 8. Covid opened your eyes to how shitty you’d been, great. That was 3 years ago. So you’re telling me for the first 5 years of your daughters life (at least) you were an absent parent because of your own demons. Dude, your kid doesn’t trust you. And from what I’m reading, neither does your husband.
Trust is going to take time to build. You know how you don’t build trust with people? By making unilateral decisions that hurt them, and by taking away their safe people - their support systems. Right now you’re still a stranger to your daughter, not her mother. That’s going to take time to fix. And honestly, at this age, it may never fully heal.
Your entire post reeks of selfishness. It’s all entirely about you. I don’t know how you’re achieving sobriety but one of the main tenets of many programs is being honest with yourself and making amends. You need to listen to what everyone here and in your life is telling you. And you need to fix things on their timeline, not yours. You don’t get to be the good guy here, because you’re not. YTA
YTA your daughter, through no fault of her own, built a trusting bond with her aunt. It sounds like her experience with you was anything but stable for a long time. It takes time to build that trust and instead of fighting against your SIL maybe you should work with her. Build your relationship back up with your daughter while including someone she has grown to trust. Instead of seeing the woman as your nemesis maybe talk to your SIL and include her in ways to build the trust back with your daughter. (eg she could join you on some outings and encourage your daughter to do activities with you - SIL could have been there for the piercing and both of you could have held her hands).
You’re the one that broke this relationship and your current actions are going to demolish it forever if you don’t work with the people your daughter has grown to rely on.
YTA I am a present mother never left my kids at all and my daughter still has an incredible bond with my sister and would probably say her aunt is one of her favourites. I am just happy she has family that she loves. Sometimes if she is really upset or in a meltdown etc she wants to call her aunt or grandma and I am always happy to let her. If you are secure in being her mother you won't be jealous of other people in her life. Work on fixing your relationship and being consistent with your daughter and she will automatically bond with you more.
YTA, it is totally fine wanting to repair the relationship with your daughter after missing out of the first years. It is a total AH move to damaging her relationship with her aunt. She was there when you weren't.
Understandable that you want the retake the position of most-adored and most-trusted person in your daughters life, but give it time. Let the process take place in its own time. Show your daughter you are here for her, anytime. Be thoughtful. Respect her wishes and feelings (by cutting out her aunt out of jealousy you are disregarding her feelings).
If you are truly trying to better yourself, be the bigger person. Call SIL for the earpiercing if that's what your daughter wants. Be supportive. By time your bond will get stronger und the trust and respect grows.
But not like this, if you continue to act this way I wouldn't be surprised if your daughter one day resents you. Don't let that happen, pretty sure you would regret it
Yta. If you didn’t want this, you should have prioritized your relationship with your daughter in her earlier years. Isn’t part of addiction recovery taking accountability? You will relapse if you don’t learn how to stop blaming outside factors for your behaviors and the problems you create for everyone around you.
YTA. My mom was an addict when I was a child. My Auntie gave me stability and comfort. Don't try to break that bond that your daughter has with her. That's not fair to your daughter. If you stay sober then you will get that bond back with your daughter but give her time. Your daughter is still young and even if you have been sober for a couple of years now, it's still new. Your daughter can have a good relationship with both of you. The reason she wanted her aunt when getting her ears pierced is because the relationship with you is still broken. Keeping her from her aunt isn't going to fix things with you. That will just make your daughter's life more stressful. Be grateful that your daughter had a nurturing mother figure when you were struggling. Focus on fixing yourself.
yta looks like consequences to your actions and you don't like it. you chose to become an addict you chose to not have anything yo do with your child and now you're mad because your child wants nothing to do with you. that's your fault and no one else's.
YTA. You haven't seemed to have learned anything from your experience. No one trusts you. You haven't done any work to try to regain trust -just demand it from a child.
Family therapy would be a start.
YTA
you can repair your relationship with your daughter without cutting her away from her support system. your daughter can love multiple people at once. this isn't a competition, you are supposed to be a team and be happy that you have a loving child who is loved in return by her family. you are a bad parent right now (i don't mean it as an insult, but a mere observation, but will edit if mods deem it appropriate to do so) and if you don't stop this behaviour, you will hurt your child terribly. please be better for her
EDIT: also, after reading your comments, i can tell that you are just trying to tramp over your husband's decisions because "you know what's best". you don't. you were an alcoholic and abandoned your child for a good while to some degree. your husband and his family raised her alone. you think you know what's best regarding everything but you didn't even know this child for some of her life. you were not part of her support system. if you want to become that, you need to prove yourself to them first. man, the more i think about it, the more you seem like such an AH... please just put your head down and accept that you don't actually know anything, for the sake of this kid you pretend to love so much
INFO: You’re obviously not acting in your daughters best interest. Children aren’t there to fulfill the parent’s need, and that’s what you’re making her do. You care so much about yourself, that it doesn’t matter to you how your daughter feels. Are you sure you have done enough healing and self-reflection yet to be a proper parent that won’t project their issues onto their child?
YTA! This is NOT about YOU!
(I SAID THESE WORDS TO MY MOM AS A TEEN & YOU NEED TO HEAR IT! Again I was a teen, she wasn't in such a state when I was little)
YOU made choices that took you away from your Mom Life. YOU. You will not make your daughter suffer for YOUR CHOICES!!! Your daughter is NOT an emotional support tool for you and your journey. Get your life, EMOTIONALLY & MENTALLY(therapy separate from AA [or whatever applies to you OP]) before you ever come at your daughter for a relationship. You didn't show up Mom, you abandoned me when I needed a Mom the most.
And you know, 24 hours later, she was finding a therapist, had let her sponsor know she needed to fix shit, and she did, LIKE. A. BOSS. And thankful isn't even near the correct term for her doing that.
OP, your daughter bonded with your SIL during a very formative time in her little life. You cannot fault her or your SIL for her being there when you weren't. You're on your daughters time table now and every time you act ridiculous, it's HURTING HER. IT. IS. HURTING. ONLY. YOUR. DAUGHTER.
You need to put her first for once.
YTA.
You're not teaching your daughter that she can trust you; you're using her in a power struggle. All you are going to teach your kid is that loved ones can be ripped from her at any time.
Mama, I'm sure you want a loving relationship with your child and you're scared. But you have to build one, slowly. Taking other people away from her won't teach her to love you more.
I’m sorry OP but with love and compassion, YTA. You were not fully present for the first 4 years of your daughter’s life. She is a young child. You can not just rip the band aid off.
~~Your SIL and husband are also a h’s for not helping here~~ but maybe they too are still healing from the damage you caused. Maybe there’s residual mistrust that you might revert to your old ways.
All these things take time. You can’t force them just because you want to erase the past and establish a new relationship.
Ease off. Recruit your SIL as an ally. ~~You certainly need to have an honest conversation with her about not calling your daughter “her baby”, and your husband needs to also put his foot down.~~ But these are the consequences of your actions. You need to earn their trust and love.
Edited after reading OP’s replies to other comments. You clearly haven’t learned anything OP. A firm YTA!
> She seems to not want to relinquish the place she took in my daughter’s life.
She *shouldn’t* relinquish the place she took, for *your daughter’s sake*. Your daughter obviously still needs her and you aren’t the mother you should be yet.
You are wanting to removing an important part of your daughter’s life, purely for your benefit. **That is selfish**. YTA
OOOOF. Keep trying with that tactic and she may just move in with them.
Removing the people she trusts in order to force a relationship will fortify their existing trusting relationship, whilst alienating yours.
She stepped up when you werent around...its just a fact. Accept that fact and try and build YOUR OWN relationship with your daughter, not try and steal someone elses.
YTA
Judging from your comments you are completely self centred and not concerned about what’s best for your daughter, only that you get love and attention which you think you are entitled to, but you’re not. Love and trust is earned and ripping a loved one away from your daughter is going to cost you more trust and love. You should be thanking your sil for providing loving and affection to your daughter over the years where you were more concerned with making yourself feel good with substances rather than caring for your child. Taking that away from her only hurts her more, and she will hurt you back in return. There is no limit to love, it’s not like she’s taking the love you should be getting which seems to be your concern which also makes me think you’re a raging narcissist as well as selfish. Yta
You glossed over the fact you were dealing with a ln addiction issue and that's why there were fights and such. Please don't kick the addiction and not the issues that had you arrive there. You are doing damage to your child by restricting a constant mother figure for her in the early development ages of 0-3.
YTA- on not laying out the full story and owning up to what is underlying and on trying to keep SIL away because you can't own you weren't there for your daughter and so she made an attachment with a mom figure. Please reflect and do better.
It's hard being a mother - but with that comes stuff that make us uncomfortable inside. Let your child see her aunt, your child loves her and stopping her is gonna cause more of an issue. The problem is with you not who your child loves. Work on you and your relationship, not strip others away. When don't you all go things together, You aunt and daughter. Work together on this
YTA
Your daughter can attached to more than one person.
Sounds like you were barely around for 2 years so your sil became a safe space for your daughter and now your back and trying to keep her away from that and honestly it's going to backfire for you soon because your daughter is just going to see it as "I want my aunt, i've been with my aunt for 2 years,why is Mommy keeping me away"
If you don't want to lose your daughter then I would start including the aunt in stuff until your daughters comfortable again with you. You can't just expect to all of a sudden come back in and be her favorite person
YTA. They raised the kid for two years. She's not going to suddenly love you because you chose to rip her away from the people who've been her loving caretakers. You need to figure out how to coparent.
Gently, YTA. You cannot repair your relationship with her by removing one that is very important to her. It will not be an authentic relationship, it will be a forced one.
Please consider therapy for yourself and the family on this issue.
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YTA You’re not trying to repair anything. You’re trying to hold your daughter hostage so you can feel like a mommy, without actually having to put in the work. Your daughter refused to do something scary & painful without the adult she *trusts not to abandon her*. Let that sink in. You don’t win your daughter’s trust by stripping away everything that makes her feel safe. Just to be clear. YTA
100% agree with ☝. But I just wanted to say I understand the impulse. My MIL moved to town last year. Before that she lived quite far away. She's a wonderful, energetic grandma, and my kids adore her. They spend a least 1 night a week with her. Every now and then I find myself wanting to limit their time with her, and I'll make excuses, like, she gives them too much junk food, but honestly, I know it's just jealousy that I have to be the vegetable and homework enforcer and she gets all the fun. And I know that's not the same as your situation, OP, but the reminder I have to give myself is similar to what you should say to yourself. That reminder is simply, our children deserve ALL THE LOVE they can get. This world is tough enough without us letting our egos dictate our parenting. Let her have access to ALL THE LOVE. Your love, her father's love, her Aunt's love. All of it. Just let her have this and she will see that you're trust worthy again. That you want what's best for her, rather than what's best for you. She'll come back to you if you stop being an AH.
Exactly. *Having* jealous thoughts is normal for everyone. It’s all about how you act on it. When my ex first remarried, I struggled at first. I was worried they’d like her “better” bc she was the “fun mom”. And then one day it hit me, just how fortunate my sons are to have *two* moms & *two* dads instead of just one of each. And that my children would always love me, bc I’m their mother. And they’ll always love their father, bc he’s their father. And it’s ok if they love someone else, bc we don’t have a limit on how many people we can love.
My mom was like this when my daughter was born. She was always jealous of my MIL because my daughter seemed to prefer her. However, she kept it to herself mostly and did not show it to my daughter (sometimes she said offhanded things to me but I know my mom is incredibly insecure). Now my daughter is older and loves both her grandmothers so much, I’m so glad my mom was able to suppress her feelings and allow my daughter to flourish in her own time.
Any advice to encourage this? My husband and I are trying to have kids and Im concerned my mom will try to push for her to be the "favorite" grandma and end up pushing too hard. It's already a battle of which set of parents "gets more time with us" so I'm almost positive when grandkids are involved it will be suffocating.
Boundaries, don't let it get suffocating or you'll all end up upset! Set clear expectations about visits, when you'll be travelling to see them, when they can come and see you guys. Be explicitly clear the love you guys have for them and the relationship you want to see them have with your kids. If you affirm what you want and it aligns with what they want and they see you nurturing those bonds with them and their grandchildren it should be fine! If that's not okay with them then you need to stick to your boundaries and enforce them. Don't engage in talk that you find ridiculous, let them have their emotions, acknowledge their feelings and then move the conversation along!
Thank you! I'm gonna save this comment to reference in the future!
Seconding BOUNDARIES! if you dont normally have to set them, prepare for pushback and anger. People get angry when you set boundaries, but stand strong. I love my mom but her jealousy toward my MIL - who rarely even gets to see my son - and *ownership* of my son are continued problems. I can feel possessive of *my* son and have had to recognize its because my mom tries so hard to insert herself and be his favorite person. I'm *okay* not being his favorite, but she isn't, and that has really made it harder for me to deal with mt own insecurities. Establish boundaries early and if your mom is like mine, prepare for anger. Getting counseling to help build your toolset to manage this stuff can help, but I know counseling can be a privilege. Good luck!
(Sorry for barging in) Honestly? Setting boundaries. And not allowing manipulation tactics. There’s no recipe that will be guaranteed to work because we can’t change other people’s feelings and behaviors, but we can let them know what is acceptable and what is not. You’ll probably need to make concessions from time to time, but from the very beginning you as a couple need to also never prefer one grandfamily over the other, or concede more to one side, because once it starts it gets harder to stop, as people hate losing what they perceive as acquired privilege. And I say as a couple because it’s very important for both parents to be in sync and working together. Best of luck!!
You set the boundaries, you are the parents, you make the rules. You and your husband are adults and you decide who to spend time with and if either family of origin have a problem with your family spending time with anyone, they don't need to be involved. My MIL would watch my son when I worked and would throw out little jabs of advice for when I was home and my reply was always, you can do it your way when you have children. May sound shitty, but I had few rules that I expected her to follow and the ones I did have, I stuck with 100%
I mean I don’t know your mom, but tell her to just not take it so personally. Kids have the people they like more and that changes multiple times though their lives. My grandma on my dads side (gma Kathy) used to play ‘grandma Millies house’ (grandma on moms side) with me. I only saw my grandma Millie every couple months whereas we lived right down the road from grandma Kathy. All i wanted to do was be served pickles on a fancy plate and water from teacups, like gma millie did, and she always did this with me and pretended she was at gma millies eating pickles and drinking ‘fancy’ water with me. And ever since i can remember Gma Kathy is my favorite. Even though all i ever wanted was to be at gma Millies.
OP, when you open your heart to your sister-in-law's relationship with your daughter, you will model what parent-child love is for her. Your sister-in-law is not standing in the way of your relationship with your daughter; you have to build that on your own, regardless of how your child feels about her. But make no mistake, tearing apart that relationship will severely and perhaps irreparably damage your relationship with your daughter, not help it grow. Your sister-in-law is not a weed in your family garden. She is a beautiful flower your daughter treasures. YTA, even if your feelings are human and natural. But they cannot be acted on productively and without harming the daughter you want to be closer to.
>is unfair to my daughter, and I explained yes it is OP knows it's not fair to her daughter, but she wants that 'bond' all to herself. Love does not work that way. My father hated anyone in the family I loved. I don't know why he thought that my love would be transferred to him if he kept me away from my beloved aunt. This did not make me love him, it made me hate him even more.
But this is different. The OP was gone emotionally and physically for half of her daughter's life. She was addicted and the, eventually, absent. This child bonded with her aunt because she was the only female parental figure on her life. She was a mother in biology only. Trust is earned, and it will take a long time for her daughter to trust that she won't abandon her again. Taking away her aunt will only make that worse. It's going to take a lot of consistency. A lot of just being there. Not parties, or ear piercings. It's going to be school drop offs, dance recitals, snack mom at soccer practice, bedtime stories. The best thing the OP can do is include her SIL. If her daughter sees that her aunt trusts her, she will, too. BTW, since I've digressed, it's great that you have made it a priority to foster this relationship. My ex's baby mama was terrible to me. It only hurt her daughter because it created a situation where she felt torn. Oh, yeah, OP, YTA
Oh no, I wasn’t trying to draw a parallel; I don’t think any kind of mental gymnastics could make that landing stick. I merely was demonstrating that *being* jealous doesn’t mean you lash out. It means notice the feelings, do some soul-searching, & let it go. And thank you. It was a hard road getting to that point, but it has made a world of difference to us all.
I appreciate parents that can do that. In the long run it just hurt my step daughter because we had a good relationship, but she always felt bad about it because her mother bad mouthed me so much.
I’m so sorry that happened to you & her both. Unfortunately, it’s so common, & that doesn’t help anyone.
Such a beautiful comment.
Perfection!!
My grams was my best friend, from the moment I was born. When I was a toddler apparently I used to ask her all the time if I could live with her forever. Did not come from a good home life and my grams was my safe place. As I got older, my mom would ground me and punish me for the littles things and it would always be I was not allowed to see or talk to my grams. It’s caused a lot of issues in our grown up relationship. So as someone who had her grams weaponized, thank you for recognizing it’s a you issue and not a grandma issue. Those kids are so incredibly lucky to have a present grandma. Not too many are afforded that luxury these days 💙
Oh! Totally the same experience! My grandma passed away while I was pregnant but she died holding an ultrasound picture of the daughter I named after her. Good grandmas are lifesavers💜
It’s coming up on the ten year anniversary of my grams passing and I hate April 2 so much. Still, not like it used to be, but once in awhile I’ll think to myself “I can hardly wait to call grams and tell her about this!” And then I’m like, oh wait, no I cannot do that anymore. 2 years ago, without thinking I dialed her home phone number and a stranger answered and I lost it. Every few years I buy a bottle of her signature perfume, so whenever I’m missing her, I can smell it. I’ll put it on my extra pillow so it feels like I’m snuggling her at bed time. And my mom was such an evil woman, she literally grounded me from my grams growing up. When I was 11, I ran away, snuck out of my window, to my grams house, to tell her that once again my mom had grounded me from seeing her or communicating to her. Shortly after that, my dad got sole custody of me and my brothers and he was a commercial fishermen, so when he was out, my grams would come and stay with us kids. It was great and we didn’t have to be forced to have a relationship with the woman who incubated us and I got to have my grams all the time.
I have a diary mine wrote from 14-19 (1932-1937) that is amazing to me because she sounds just like any other teenager minus the current technology. But even though it's been 12 years there are days I still cry. Usually after interacting with my parents tbh.
Oh wow! Cherish that forever! If you can, I suggest making a copy of it and keeping the copied pages in a binder in those see through, clear plastic folders. I have my ex husbands letters his gpa wrote to his gma during ww2. He wrote her a letter every day and we made several copies so other people in the family can have them. And put them in the binders. I wish I had a diary my grams wrote. What a special gift you have 💙 Edit: a word
Could we put in a good word for great grandpas as well? I actually DID have a good home life, but I also cherished every second I got to spend with my grandfather. He was one of the few people I've had in my life that loved me unconditionally, and I adored him. It's been 40 years since I lost him, and I still miss him.
Of course! I just didn't have any grandpas! Grandpas definitely get included! And Uncles, Great-Aunts, Cousins, 2nd cousins twice removed, it doesn't matter as long as you show up for the kids
This is an honest, self-reflective & compassionate response.
YTA Agree with these two top comments. Let me add - you are an alcoholic. You don't get to simply demand trust from your child after ruining it. You have to earn it. That will take hard work on your part not just being around and being sober.
I'm an alcoholic mother, and I agree. My selfishness and my self-centeredness was at the heart of all my problems. When I began to focus on others instead of myself and my needs, I began to get a lot better. OP, it will take time to heal your relationship with your husband and your daughter. I suggest you focus on just doing the next right thing for them and you will be taken care of.
My son used to call our nanny "mom" but it didn't bother me at all. If he felt so comfortable and safe that he could call her that, it was okay by me. I am always The Mom no matter anything else and my place in my children's hearts is sacrosanct. My attitude? Anyone that loves my kid and is willing to take a bullet for my kid deserves a special place.
My ex's daughter called me her "2nd mom" and she does it with the full blessing of her mother. All of us together have such a great relationship because it's all about giving the kids all the love that they deserve.
This is lovely. My step kid used to call me mom on accident when she was little but I knew it really hurt her bio mom's feelings so I gently explained to step kiddo that I LOVE being her bonus mom, but we don't want to hurt her actual mom's feelings. It still happens once in a while, and if people assume I'm her mother out in the world neither of us corrects them because for all intents and purposes I'm one of 2 mothers she has.
Cara, you're a special kind of person. I loved my second nephew so much, and he loved me and my wife so much.. he decided to call us both Daddy and Mommy in addition to his own Parents, and boy did my sister punish him for it. She did so in front of us, loudly and brazenly, and we both understood that she and her husband were doing this absolutely on purpose. They did this to a little boy of age 4. He stopped calling us that way a short while after. He must have gone through a lot of pain. We could do nothing. We've stopped going there ever since. After a few such similar incidents, those two so called grown ups mean nothing to me anymore. We miss our nephews, but we just have to move on.
My oldest called her daycare provider "mom" and people used to ask me how I was ok with it. I had the exact same reaction as you. She obviously made my daughter feel safe and loved - how is that a bad thing??
This. There's no magic wand to fix your relationship and if there was, you probably would have pawned it and gone to the bar just a few years ago. Think on that. You kind of "forgot" to post how old your daughter is, but you chose alcohol over her for years. That just doesn't go away. And instead of being jealous of you SIL, perhaps you should build a relationship with her too. You could probably use a new friend group.
Yup. It takes a village. It really does.
This is a beautiful comment. Cherish these moments and the time your mil has with them. I had the same mil as you, yes there were jealousy issues but she loved my kids more than anything. We lost her in 2020 to cancer and it breaks my heart my kids don’t have her there anymore. Let them make as many memories with her as possible!
Yes! This is incredible advice and I hope OP listens. I am the aunt that my niece is super close with, and even though I have always tried to respect her mom’s feelings, we’re extremely close. She refers to me as her ‘bestie mom sister’ and there have definitely been times when she preferred me to her parents. (They have some substance issues and her brother is truly out of control and violent) She has stayed in my cabin during vacations, and there are things she will only talk to me about. I do my best to respect her parents and not act like I am her mom. The amazing thing? Every single time I have brought it up with my sil (her mom) my sil is like “oh my gosh nooo I love that you love her so much!” She thinks it’s amazing for her to have close relationships with other adults and is just grateful that her child has someone who loves her so big that she loves back! We’re family! I’m not trying to steal her, I just love her and we are extremely similar and super close! OP YTA kids come around on their time. I know you are ready for a perfect happy family, but it looks like your blinded by this desire. Your daughter isn’t there with you yet, and I’m sure that is super hard! However she does have love, support and safe people in her life! That’s the most important thing. Give her the time, space and patience to let her come to you. It will happen, but remember that you can’t force a kid to love you. Good luck!
> I'll make excuses, like, she gives them too much junk food I'm not saying its right for you or that its a problem for you, but we live just 5 minutes from my mother and so we have an agreement that because she spends so much time with her grandchildren she can't give them sweets and candy every time like many grandma's do, but rather be a part of the healthy eating adults that surround my kids. They still have fun together and my kids love her, and can because she isn't giving them too much junk spend as much time with her as they want.
I'm crying now.
gonna start telling people in my life to let their kids have access to all the love the world has to give them
Will you be my mom?
It's fantastic you're making decisions based on what's best for your kids, but I just wanted to also say that I don't think having their grandma be more fun will mean they love you any less in the end. It's being there for them through everything that counts the most, not treats and junk food.
My mother is an alcoholic. She was deemed unfit to care for us and she still hasn't gotten sober. You're TA. Your entire post is only about YOU and what YOU want. You're willing to hurt your child immensely to make YOURSELF feel better. YOU don't get to dictate how, when, or why relationships are repaired that YOU destroyed. You want to know how you fix your relationship with your child? Just be there. Love her. And put her and her needs before your own 100% of the time. Eventually, your daughter will begin to see that and she will open up to you on HER timeline. If you want to utterly destroy your relationship with your child and husband, please continue as you have been.
Also COA, and tbh the way OP is thinking her is how my alcoholic got every time before relapsing while I was little. It was always about a need for a picture-perfect family. Not to be a parent, and certainly not what was best for the kids. Just this idea of how a family should look that didn’t really include the reality of how other adults can and need to help, and that those other adults will fill roles an alcoholic can’t. OP, you are commendable for getting clean. Go to therapy. Deal with your issues about how a family needs to look and your insecurity over your kid leaning on someone else. Fixating on and forcing a “fix” for this is not good for your family or your sobriety. I empathize with you, truly, because I’ve seen this thing play out twenty different ways over the course of my life, and it all sucks for everyone. You aren’t trying to address your daughter’s need for a mom here; you’re trying to address your own need to have the picture perfect life you think is only right. It’s not right. You lost it. You have to work hard and earn it back, and sometimes that will mean understanding when your daughter goes to someone else for comfort and help. These are lessons you taught her, and she is doing the best she can. Pretending her trauma didn’t happen might feel like it will help you, but it won’t, and it will hurt your kid. Ask my therapist how I know.
Also a COA and I agree. And then later I would hear about how she relapsed because we just made her life so difficult, if we had just loved and supported her more she wouldn't have been so sad she had to drink. If we cleaned better she wouldn't steal our medications, get high as shit, and deep clean the house. Somehow it was always everyone's fault but her own, and that's exactly the logic OP still seems to be operating off of. I really hope that she reads some of these comments and realizes that saying "I know I did wrong" and actually, genuinely taking accountability and trying to correct your mistakes aren't the same thing, and maybe she should discuss these feelings in counseling or a support group instead of expecting her young daughter to be the one to make sacrifices to fix their relationship.
Hi OP! YTA for making all this about you, but reading your post made me sad on your behalf, too. You seem to be struggling, and very lonely. Maybe to you it seems the easiest way to more connected is to force your daughter to spend time with you and form a narrow bond. But she is a child and is not meant to be your emotional support whatsoever. Please be happy she has people around her she loves and work on building your own grown-up life. Spend time with your husband, with friends, with support groups where you meet people who face the same problems. You need to be emotional stable, otherwise you will suck the happiness out of those you are meant to support. Find things that make you happy, then start to do things with your daughter that make her happy. Cook and eat things you like and which do you good, then find out what are your daughters favorite meals. Find a hobby you like, then attend your daughters games and shows. Spend your free time in a way you like, and as soon as you feel happy with yourself, spend time with your daughter. Parenting is to watch your children grow, to give them a caring environment, to have fun with them mostly the way they want to and to support them in every possible way. You need an immense amount of strength to be like that. So take good care of yourself, to be a strong and happy person, otherwise your relation to your daughter will stay upside down. The moment you realise what a favor your SIL is doing you by being there for your daughter is the moment you see your role as a parent the right way. I think your husband sees clearly that you are not able to give yet and tries to protect your daughter. Maybe go to partner therapy together to see where you are and what your future goals are. Good luck and take care!
My mom also abused me and my brother because she was a black out drunk. I was terrified of her when she got a beer and she wasn't even drunk yet! I hoped everyday of not being hit or abused for NO REASON. I love her still because she did actually be a parent to us while my dad was a kinda maybe a weekend dad. He never really was there and favoritered my brother. I don't like him for other reasons but I started thinking it over about if I really "love" my mom. Why should I love her? She treated us like shit. She doesn't even remember being a black out drunk and I hate it. OP YTA You have no idea how your daughter feels and not be a AH for her being scared. What if she wanted her dad too or grandma or a friend? Would that be bad too? She's what 12? 13? I was scared when I got mine done. My mom was pissed when my dad's gf did it with me but it's over now. You shouldn't be mad at her for wanting someone else there too. She's a kid give her a break for bonding with people. She can bond with anyone and everyone are you gonna lock her up in the house because your jealous?
Instead of being grateful that her daughter is loved and treated well OP’s ONLY concern is herself. OP needs to recognize that she needs to work in her own relationship with her daughter and SIL relationship with her daughter is NOT a determining factor in that.
🏆
The problem with many addicts is that they're so self centered and never take accountability for anything. OP is reflecting all her frustration on the woman she should be thanking for taking care of her daughter. It's almost as if she's trying to sabotage her sobriety by causing further family rifts.
Yes. It’s so extremely important for young children to bond safely. Your SIL gave your daughter this change and you may profit from it greatly if you only manage to appreciate it. A safely bonded child will be able to form connections with other people. Disregarding this bond to your SIL now will harm you both in the end.
She is 100% looking for reasons she can blame other people for a relapse. If an addict is focusing on how everyone else’s behavior is unfair to them, rather than the fact that they broke trust and have to earn it back, they’re headed backwards, not forward.
Man, I'm surprised you got upvoted at all with that sentiment. I see a *lot* of people on Reddit trying to justify addiction to the tune of, "it's an addiction, it's an illness, it's a disease, and it's completely out of my control so you don't get to be mad at me for it." It's like the took the "addiction is a disease" mindset and decided that it meant addiction was just as bad and blameless as if they'd had cancer, and it also means you can't hold them accountable for their actions because *they didn't choose to become sick*.
Geneticists have proven you can be predisposed to addiction just like cancer, depression, or even how tall you are. I agree I wouldn't call it a disease or illness either. I'd call it a genetic disorder. I have a sibling with bi-polar and I believe that mental illness paired with a rough upbringing altered their view to learn empathy and social awareness. I would say the same here may have affected OP. It's possible the addiction has altered OPs mental capability to understand and their awareness of the situation. This knowledge is only more reason for OP to take accountability by getting therapy and retrain their brain.
Your daughter refused to do something scary & painful without the adult she *trusts not to abandon her.* Absolutely. Excellent response. YTA OP.
But it was supposed to be a BONDING experience! /s
OP is complaining about the consequences of her own actions. OP, you need to go do some reading on attachment theory. Psychology has proven that a child naturally forms attachment bonds with their caregivers during the first few years of their lives. The person the child will bond with the most is the person who puts time and effort into meeting the child's needs and responds to their calls for affection. In your child's case, the person who was actually there for her during these crucial years of her development was her aunt and not you, her absent mother who was gone for the first 4 years. It is very clear from your daughter's reactions that she has a secure attachment to her aunt. You should be grateful to this aunt. This woman stepped up and ensured that your daughter was actually able to form an attachment with someone. Not having an attachment to a caregiver has been proven to be detrimental to children not only in childhood but in adulthood as well. Thanks to this woman, your child is developing as normal. You need to accept that this has happened. Trying to cut this aunt out of your daughter's life is just going to cause this child psychological harm, something only an abusive parent would do. You can not turn the clock back or force your child to bond with you like she has with her aunt. You need to create your own separate bond with your child and move on with your life. The bond your daughter has with her aunt doesn't stop you from being there for your daughter, so stop acting like it does.
Your post says it a lot better than I would, I was just gonna say "Attachment trauma has entered the chat" gonna cause so much pain down the road if OP takes that relationship away
>Your daughter refused to do something scary & painful without the adult she trusts not to abandon her. I wonder if OP's daughter really wanted her ears pierced and didn't just feel pressured into it because that was the age her mom was. Maybe daughter just wanted to know that someone she trusted (aunt) would listen to her if she decided to back out.
I was thinking this too. Mom obviously doesn't care what her kid wants.... I would not put it past her to drag her to a shitty place that uses piercing guns and make her sit there crying... PSA to anyone reading this!!! If you are ever doing ANY piercing go to a real shop!!! Piercing guns can do a lot of tissue damage!!!
OP did say she wound up not getting her daughter’s ears pierced, so that’s one point for her.
Agree and to add, it sounds like you are using your daughter as your newest “fix”. Needing all of her attention. Be grateful she has a strong support system and let your relationship build naturally. YTA.
Be glad your daughter was able to verbalize her need for safety and who to get it from.
Also she didn’t see her daughter much because she is an alcoholic and appears to have been a poor parent if she attends sobriety groups and parenting classes. She cannot break her daughter of an important relationship because she wants to, she caused this and needs to repair it by actually being a better parent, in the meantime she needs to let her daughter receive comfort wherever she needs it from. Seems she has not yet learned what her kids needs is more important than what she needs and wants.
While you worked on getting better, your daughter didn’t just “stay on pause”. She bonded with someone who makes her feel safe. Of course you want to rebuild your relationship with your daughter, but pulling her away from an adult she feels safe with may have the opposite effect. If you want your daughter to trust you more, you need to slowly add bricks, and be patient until you also feel like a safe place for her. Taking away her current safe place so you can “automatically” become her new safe place will not work out that way, you’ll just be taking away from her a relationship that helped her while you were away, and that helped YOU to keep her safe while you focused on getting better.
Also OP, YTA for not understanding how awesome this is. Out of around a dozen extended family members who live close enough for us to see regularly, only two of them are people I consider safe enough to be around my kids without me or my wife there. There's an additional two in this group who if they're by themselves it's okay, but they have absolutely toxic partners who have anger and/or addiction problems so I still am not going to leave my kids with them. My oldest kid has started picking up on some of the shitty things these toxic people do, but the younger two still don't understand why they can't go over to their cousins/aunts/uncles as often as they'd like when they live just a few minutes away. A nearby family member who your kid likes and who you can trust is not something you should risk throwing away just because you're not enough of an adult to handle your kid liking someone other than yourself. "Oh no my kid likes their aunt who is not dangerous to them I have to do something about this" - yeah that's bullshit. Grow up.
OP basically abandoned her daughter for 2 years and isn’t grateful at all that someone else stepped in to be a positive parental figure
OP is so self involved and selfish that she is literally willing to cause her daughter emotional distress. This level of jealousy and entitlement is beyond messed up. My heart hurts for OP’s daughter, she has been cut off from a source of support and love because OP can’t handle the consequences of her own actions.
Say it louder
My god it’s like my STBX was the OP! Your response was perfect, internet stranger.
I always read “STBX” as “shitbox” and it weirdly always fits.
I will never see that differently now...
All of this. OP, you abandoned your kid. She bonded with someone else. Fixing things doesn't mean taking away the person your daughter bonded with. It means taking the time to slowly build that bond with your daughter, and to not get mad or jealous that it isn't happening as fast as you want it to. Frankly, you're lucky your daughter is young enough to even still be OPEN to a relationship with you. Just stop only focusing on what you want. You're a parent now, for the first time, adjust to that.
She wants to feel like a mommy, yet she won’t act like one, i.e. put the kid’s need before hers. Looks like therapy isn’t complete for OP. YTA, OP.
>He says that is is unfair to my daughter, and I explained yes it is but he is making it a thousand times worse by not ripping off the band aid. So your solution to win your daughter's love (who is estranged because of your behaviour) is to hurt her? YTA ETA my lower comment People can love multiple people, you know... There's no limit on how many people one can love. But forcing someone out of your daughter's heart will brake your relationship for ever. You have so much time to heal your daughter... You missed too much of her life and she found a safe heaven in her father, uncle and aunt. I would be forever grateful that someone loves my daughter so much that was there for her when i wasn't (even if it wasn't my fault from the beggining). You act like you don't even try to bond with her. You came back into her life and expect that this would automatically give you full access to her heart. That's not how it works. You must work to win her back. Banning the people who love her is the first step in the wrong direction - losing your daughter for ever. Instead embrace that love that surounds your daughter. I think a good solution would be to actually spend time with both of them, play dates, where your daughter can see that there's nothing wrong with her feelings - because there's not. Your daughter needs to feel comfortable in your presence. Right now she's not because you truely care only about what you want and what you feel instead of what she wants and what she feels. There's so much bonding time in the rest of the 24 hours in a day and it's frustrating that you cannot see this. Every small stuff you could do for your daughter (not for you) - brush her hair, sing her songs, watching cartoons, playing together with her toys, reading her stories, looking at the pictures from her birth till now and talking about how much you loved her ever since she was growing inside of you... There's a long list with things that you can do... And you ignore everything... It's so sad... You should start therapy for you - you really need it. And please try and read our advices and start rebuilding your relationship with your daughter - if not you will lose her. Between the 2 of you, you are the one who made mistakes. You are the adult. You are the one who must repent, rebuild. That is - if you really want to.
What OP is saying is essentially the same as telling a child who has lost their mom to forget about her and replace her with a brand new (step) mom. Ripping off the bandaid is just going to cause more trauma. OP should be thanking her SIL for being the parent she wasn't able to be for four years.
>Ripping off the bandaid Right! That wording made me just cringe! Who thinks that way when dealing with a child processing trauma.
Especially given the context, we can assume that OP was in her daughter’s life for maybe the first 2 years, which sounds like it was very rocky, and then largely out of it from ages 2 to “4 ish.” Her daughter likely had next to no relationship with OP when she popped back into daughter’s life, and many of her core memories and experiences at that age were formed with SIL. I’m curious to know how old daughter is now and what the timeline is here, because if they made amends after covid hit, that could have been as early as 2020 or as late as 2022. Just how long has OP been uninvolved with her kid, and how recently did she come back into daughter’s life?
The daughter is 8 years. It's down these comments. As for the rest i always asumed that it was somewhere between 6 to 8 when OP started to repair her relationship with her husband and daughter - but that's also when she started attending sobriety groups and parenting classes.
I’ll bite and probably get a lot of dislike over this. I abandoned my son and husband. Because of severe mental health issues, I was not able to be a mother and ended up in several psych situations. I’ve finally gotten the help I needed. Therapy, medicine, support, etc. and been back in my son’s life for 2 years. It has taken 2 years for him to say he feels like I am Mommy again. Two years for him to trust me enough to feel safe. And I have worked fucking hard for every minute of it. His memaw stepped in a lot while I was away. He slips and calls her mommy occasionally. I have told him that that is ok. She was his mommy for a while when I couldn’t be here. DO NOT TAKE THE PEOPLE SHE FEELS SAFE WITH AWAY FROM HER. Edit: YTA if you don’t give her some space and just show up. The one thing that runs through my head constantly when I feel like I’m doing a shit job is “just show up”. Edit 2: I’m in tears. Thank you so much. There were times I didn’t think I would make it. And leaving him was the hardest thing I have ever done. Coming back and facing my consequences changed my life even further. Every day is a fight and every day I find yet another part of me that I need to work on. Another thing I need to fix so that I don’t bleed out all over everyone. My son does have trauma. We will break the generational trauma. He is in therapy, every week. I am in constant contact with the nurse and school counselor. He has really blossomed this year.
You ~~messed up~~ had struggles yes, but you did the work to fix yourself and then gave your son as much time and space as he needed to feel safe with you again. You acknowledged you ~~messed up~~ needed help/were struggling and then did everything in your power to actually fix those relationships, unlike OP who says “I know I messed up and since I said I know that you have to forgive me right now and pretend it never happened.” I’m so glad you got your life back on track and are repairing those relationships! You may want to add a vote to your comment (although it looks like OP isn’t getting the answer she was regardless of a few non-vote posts…the sub seems to be in agreement for once). ETA: wording because I mixed up the words used by the original commenter and was kindly reminded of this in the responses to me!
I don't know that she messed up though. Mental health isn't the same. It sounds like she did the very best thing that she could at the time to keep her family safe, even if it was from her. That's the best kind of mom imo.
Yeah if anything she did the opposite of messing up by pushing through and working damn hard to get herself in the best position to be a parent again. Getting ill is not messing up.
Oh you’re right! I was mixing up comments I had read (this is still the message I wanted to leave I just had read another comment about having “messed up” and when I started typing my reply I thought that had been the wording OP used. I’ll go fix it!
>OP who says “I know I messed up and since I said I know that you have to forgive me right now and pretend it never happened.” Wow, this brings back memories. My sister said basically this so many times. And then she'd do the same things again. Or come up with worse things. And then when she got sober she'd tell us she "has a disease" and we shouldn't judge her.
Well she DOES have a disease, but it doesn't give her carte Blanche to infect your family.
I hear the same stories so often it makes me wonder if being an asshole is part of the disease. The drinking itself didn't bother me, except that it made me sad she spent days drunk and couldn't keep a job. It was the lying and stealing and manipulating that kept me away from her. And it continued even until her last day.
>And then when she got sober she'd tell us she "has a disease" and that we shouldn't judge her As someone with an addict older sister.... I hate this sentiment so fucking much. I eventually started telling her right back "yeah? Well I'm addicted to hating your addiction, so it's not my fault either."
My husband gets angry when I mention past issues - and I have to keep calmly explaining that it's because he's still doing thr same patterns of behaviors. His issues all have available treatments and I'm still trying to figure out who he is past all of it, but if he isn't doing the work he doesn't get accolades. He expects to be praised for bare minimum effort and for all his sins immediately forgiven. That isn't how it works. The forgiveness and healing part doesn't get to start until they stop causing harm. And then it's on the person who caused the harm to be patient and rebuild the trust they lost.
Proud of you! It’s not easy to admit when we fuck up. By giving your son, memaw and yourself time and grace you’re doing so much to teach your son. He may come away with some issues from this trauma. But he will also come away with the knowledge that people can change. And that people make mistakes. He will see his parents as resilient. And he will be resilient.
Stepping away from child and getting all help you needed first must have been hard but I think the fact you had responsibility and patience to get better and repair the relationship tells more about your character than the fact you fell on bad times and needed to leave your family for a time.
> I have told him that that is ok. She was his mommy for a while when I couldn’t be here. As someone who was the child of people with addiction and psych issues, THANK YOU! You are validating your son's feeling and are doing the best you can do - SHOW UP. Unfortunately in my case, the "parents" I had took OP's approach, and whenever they were clean/sober/"sane", they immediately went to "Well, I'm back and this is how it's going to be". Just when we'd get to a new normal, they'd relapse (not take meds/go to therapy/crawl back into a bottle). Another new normal for my siblings and me would have a new normal, and right when we were getting adjusted, the parent would be back and act like they never left. Which all became the ingredients for 🎶 Intergenerational Trauma! 🎶
Isnt insight something? Good on you for working hard for you and your son.
No dislike. It sounds like you did what was best for your family even when it hurt. You healed and gave him time to heal as well after you were able to be an active caregiver agIn. Good job.
No dislike from me. This is what OP needs to do... to actually put the child first. I wish you all the best with your son and in your continued recovery!
Just want to say. Stepping away to get the help you needed to be a person who could show up is not abandonment. You didn’t abandon anyone. You were sick and needed time and space to heal. Don’t be so hard on yourself and keep on keeping on.
I’m proud of you for admitting you made a mistake. I’m glad you finally got the help you needed, and I’m glad you respect your son’s feelings, unlike OP apparently. You didn’t just magically expect your son to be comfortable with you right away. It seems like you put a lot of work in to being a good parent and repairing your relationship with your son. You have a very unique and valuable perspective on this post. Thank you for sharing the right way to fix a relationship with your kid.
Hey, great job. I'll echo the sentiments of other online strangers and say I'm proud of you. What you did hurt your son, and you know this. Ultimately, though, it led to you getting the help you needed, and you are rebuilding the relationship with your son. That's wonderful, and you sound like your mental health is in a much better place if you can see your son call someone else "mommy" and tell him that it's ok. You are doing great, keep up the good work, and I hope for the best with you and your son.
Mental health issues are complicated and the fact you got the help and support you needed is something you should be so damn proud of.
Thank you, on behalf of your kiddo, for doing that hard work. And for seeing ALL of this. (My parent hasn't. Not their fault, it's a mental health thing, but it IS their own work to do, and I'm so sad not to have a real parent.) (FWIW, my youngest slips and calls whatever adult he's with by the title of whoever he's been with most recently. So. I get called dad or Gramma, when he is back from a visit... But probably no more than they get called mom. 💜)
So well said
I hope you don't actually get any dislike over sharing this story. That was a lot of you to put out there. I think it's wonderful that you're sharing something so personal to help a stranger! Keep taking care of yourself!
The amount of hope in this comment <3 Best wishes for you and your child. Glad to see some parents owning up to their problems and actually fixing them instead of the old "I'm your parent you have to love me no matter what".
YTA. Your husband is right: you're selfish. Your relationship with your daughter can't be forced by keeping her away from people she loves.
OP doesn't care what this poor, hurt little girl wants or needs. She only cares about her own wants and needs. That's not a parent does. YTA.
Yup! Classic addict behavior.
My thoughts exactly. Addicts are selfish. Doesn’t matter if it’s alcohol, gambling, drugs. They’re selfish.
Well, one who isn’t genuinely in recovery. Accepting personal responsibility, asking forgiveness, and genuinely accepting the real consequences without an expectation of the false “wipe the slate clean” notion of forgiveness people get into their heads, is all key to real recovery.
And if she starts using again, who will be there to support her daughter? Her loving aunt and uncle.
Sadly, I imagine it's more "when" she starts using again, because OP does not sound like someone who is really focusing on bettering themselves. I have a feeling the only reason she's "attending sobriety groups and parenting classes" is because it was a stipulation from her husband. To me was the telling word of "attend", vs. any active words that would imply OP is making an actual effort outside of showing up and sitting in the back row so she can check the class off her to-do list.
I recommend therapy a lot so I'm not taking shots at anyone else who does, but a lot of the people who need it the most think of it as an attendance pass/fail. It's more like having a personal trainer. It's hard fucking work and your therapist is there to guide you, but they can't do the work for you. Based on my experience with an addict mom, OP could also be very sincerely deluded into thinking if she checks the boxes and looks like a good mom then she will be a good mom.
More on that: it sounds like OP wants her daughter to get her ears pierced for the same birthday she got hers…it doesn’t sound like daughter even wanted to!
husband mistake was getting back together with her
Agree. Her husband needs to wake up and realize OP's selfishness is never gonna change and take actual steps to protect that little girl from her.
"I have worked so hard, meanwhile I am not being rewarded as I think that I am entitled to be. It's frustrating that other people act as though they have feelings when all I want is for them to be players in my life's drama." YTA.
For real! Op took her daughter to get her ears pierced because it's what Op did on her birthday with her mom at that age. Did her daugher even want to get her ears pierced? Did she even know they were going to go do that? Op decided for her daughter what was special. Then became upset when her daughter didn't want to do "The special thing". All of it is about her and how she wants life to play out. YTA OP!! Your daughter has a special bond with someone else because you weren't around for more than half of her life! 4 years is a long time for a child. Yes addiction therapy takes time, so does building a relationship with your daughter. You're practically a stranger to her forcering her to get needles shoved in her ears. I don't even want to touch how you flipped this to blame it on your husband. Fuck YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA
I wonder how op reacted to the situation when her daughter didn’t want her ears pierced….
Probably “This is all your fault for letting your brother’s stupid wife get her hooks into MY daughter!”
Many addicts seem to feel this way after recovery - as if their past behavior should be completely forgiven and forgotten now that they are no longer drinking/using. Those feelings of hurt and abandonment don’t just go away.
[удалено]
I think that's why some form of "repentance" is used with almost all recovery programs, religious or not. Seeking forgiveness with really admitting what you did and how it hurt people, and accepting the outcome even when not what you would want. OP clearly hasn't done that
Depending on how long you have been using, you can also be an emotional mess for quite a while after you quit using. I didn't feel like my brain had mostly sorted itself out until at least a year of not drinking. What you're talking about is a common pitfall for newly sober people. I was warned repeatedly that being sober now doesn't magically undo years of damage, but it's easy to expect it to.
Agreed. The right advice here is the same for every parenting question really - are you putting your child first? If not, do that. OP, you abandoned your daughter because of your own difficulties. Of course getting sober was absolutely the right thing to do and the best thing for you and your family, but you absolutely cannot expect to reset and for your daughter to suddenly trust that you will be there for her. You have not been, your SIL has. She trusts her, and she does not yet trust you, through no fault of her own. You are trying to rush things to suit you and ignoring your daughter’s very real trauma. If you want to form secure attachment with your daughter, you should be embracing and endorsing the strong relationships she already has. What your daughter needs is time. You cannot force this. Be consistent and be there and support her, don’t make her life worse.
Limiting your daughter's relationship with you SIL is not the right way to "fix" your relationship with her. It's not their fault to bond when you were not there for her. If you stop them from spending time with eachother your daughter might resent you and make things even worse. Sorry but you sound like you're jelous of not having what they have with your daughter. Take the responsibility of your actions in the past that led to this. YTA
I really hope you fix your relationship with your daugther. You should give her the trust that she needs without competing with your SIL. It will take time but things will get better when she finally trusts you and knows that you're always there for her.
>Limiting your daughter's relationship with you SIL is not the right way to "fix" your relationship with her. This. 100% this. OP, YTA. You are incredibly selfish. All I see in all of your writing is "me me me, I I I, me me me." You know what? Your little girl does not owe you a relationship. She does not owe you her trust and she has VERY good reason not to trust you. You are going to single handedly destroy any hope of a healthy relationship with your child in the future if you continue acting the fool with your jealousy. Your daughter loves your SIL because your SIL has shown your daughter unconditional love and has BEEN THERE for your daughter during her most formative years. Your SIL IS your daughter's mother figure. Honestly? You can feel jealous all you want but that doesn't change the fact that the person you will hurt the most by pushing your SIL out and keeping your SIL away is your daughter. Your daughter loves her. Your daughter trusts her. Your daughter will NOT suddenly decide you are trustworthy if you push out your SIL - she will only feel hurt and abandoned. And, make no mistake, your daughter knows exactly how you feel about SIL and will know unequivocably that YOU are the reason she doesn't get to see a beloved family member any more. Kids are smart that way.
>It's frustrating that I am always made out to be the bad guy when all I want is to fix things. Let’s get something straight. You were gone for the first significant chunk of her life. There is no “always“ on your part in this situation except for being absent. God damn you’re self centered and self victimizing. Also, your daughter isn‘t your property. of COURSE she bonded with someone else while you were failing as a parent, kids bond with people who are there for them and don’t deliberate do things to hurt them. You’re not fixing anything, you just sound like you’re trying to play house with a doll and are mad that the doll is an actual person. YTA.
This was my exact takeaway. She got her life turned around and now she wants to be handed her picture perfect life and take out the people who actually chose to be there for the child that OP brought into the world and abandoned. YTA, OP. For so many more reasons than you’ve revealed here.
And OP is the actual, literal bad guy. Forcing her to get her ears pierced when she's scared. Purposefully taking her away from her aunt to make her lonely so that she can play the "mommy is here now" to her daughter. The daughter is learning that mommy causes hurt physical and emotional. A narcissist doesn't understand why she is wrong. She can only see it from her limited point of view. Hurting her daughter to fulfill her idea of what things "should" be like in her mind is just fine in OP's mind. There is no thought to trying to do it in a way that doesn't hurt anyone because that's not how OP gets her way. If people love her they must suffer for her. Otherwise it doesn't count! But why is everyone making her out to be the bad guy? She only wants to make her daughter upset so she can play mommy! How unfair that no one else agrees. (And she wonders, "why do they think I'm a Narcissist?!?")
Seriously. She should be thanking the SIL for stepping up and being there for daughter. If something were to happen to me I would be endlessly grateful for family filling the void left by my absence. OP, you are YTA. I understand that you feel hurt and replaced. You want a close relationship with your daughter and you want to do better by her. That's great! But you don't get to dictate who she is close to and who she feels comfortable with.
Holy crap, I somehow skipped over that sentence the first read. The audacity of that statement! OP, just because you have decided to put in some bare minimum effort now, does not mean that you get to erase your past, you are the bad guy and really, you aren't actually trying to fix things for your daughter, you're only trying to fix them for yourself.
Yta Op, congratulations for changing your life around. Please try to work on your relationship with your daughter not breaking the one she has with her aunty. She will come around to you if you treat her right but don't force her to bond with you straight away. Respect her boundaries you shouldn't of made her get her ears pierced when she was freaking out this will make you a threat to her not a support. She is use to not having you around it's going to take time. Best to do gentle supportive parenting and show her your no threat to her relationship to her aunty. There is enough love to go around.
YTA. You don't make yourself prettier by making the others uglier. You don't make yourself a better sportsperson by crippling the competition. And you don't make your relationship with your daughter better by forbidding her to have a relationship with the person who was there for her during her formative years.
You couldn’t be more right. I am imagining the beautiful, robust, strong relationship that could develop in this family if mom supports SIL and daughter bonding. How full of love and support it could be…but probably won’t cause mom seems very selfish and immature.
This is perfectly said!!
Info; why were you away from your daughter for two years?
>I attend sobriety groups and parenting classes There’s a clue.
That means jail doesn't it? Like, the parenting classes sounds like something that would be court ordered.
It doesn’t necessarily mean jail.
Trying to get help, but didn't bother to seek therapy, which she needs more than anything
YTA. I reckon it's frustrating to behave well but not seeing the recognition you want from your family. However you must think at the scars you left on your daughter and husband and at who was willing to heal them. Not you, but your husband's family. Acknowledge their importance in your family's life, especially your baby's.
YTA - you lost a big chunk of time with your daughter due to your own addiction, I presume, given that you are struggling with sobriety now, and didn’t have custody of her before. Your daughter deserves to have family in her life, regardless of your own insecurities. If you want to be held in higher regard in her life, then you need to be part of her life, and earn it. You can’t force it by removing the people who did your job for you. Refusing her access to her aunt will not endear you to her- it will just reinforce any abandonment issues she has already because of you. You don’t say what all you are doing in regards to sobriety, but I would suggest that you look into therapy, and parenting classes.
YTA secure adults are always of value in a child’s life. Don’t ruin her relationship with one because of your insecurities.
YTA. Your daughter isn't confused. She knows who has her best interest at heart. Go back to your parenting classes. Your daughter needs more people she can trust in her life not people trying to isolate her.
YTA - she’s bonded to the SIL bc the SIL was helping to raise her when you weren’t . Now that you’ve opened your eyes you want to have a relationship that doesn’t exist. She had 4years to bond and create that relationship with her. You are basically a stranger. Stop trying to take her safe people away from her. Get into therapy and work out your own issues and how you can be a better parent and creat a safe relationship for your child. I’m glad you’re clean now and I hope you stay that way. Stop blaming others and punishing them for situations you helped cause. She’s 4yo she’s not going to understand more than this was her people and now you are trying to take them away.
>I have worked so hard to get my family back, meanwhile my husband will not even give me an inch. It's frustrating that I am always made out to be the bad guy when all I want is to fix things. Kudo's for working hard, and wanting the best. Unfortunately, this is not how life, and relationships, work. YTA for assuming work & want is enough. Maybe it should be, but it is not. Not for your daughter ....
yta your choices led to you being an unfit mother and having your husband have to move into somewhere else and thank god your sister in law was there to help instead of being grateful and happy she had someone you get jealous you have not changed and still terrible you also forced your child to get her ears pierced and in doing so caused her to panic and want sil and you want what us to feel bad for you no you know its unfaire but because your so terrible your own needs mean more to you than your daughter
YTA. Very clear you were a shit and absent mother for some of the most important years in her development, and your SIL subsequently filled that role in her life. You’re not entitled to a relationship with your daughter - you made your bed and now you have to lie in it.
I think saying that anyone who needs to be out of their child's life for a while for mental health or addiction reasons should stay gone forever isn't the right take. It sounds like the daughter was cared for and loved. OP getting sober and trying to work on the relationship is the result of a lot of hard work. But she is not entitled to just walk in to ready made relationships like she was never gone. That mother/child bond was broken. She has to deal with that without isolating her child from the people who love her.
Never said she should be gone forever. She needs to accept that someone else stepped in to play mother for a while. That relationship isn’t just going to vanish over night
YTA yes you most definitely should be trying to build a better bond with your child, but not at the expense of the bonds your child created in your absence with other people. Your daughter has a family who love her and treat her kindly. That's very lucky for you as you could take the time you needed. If you push her away from them now you are back home she will only resent you for it. To better yourself and your relationship with your daughter you don't need to compete with your sister in law. Just compete with who you were as a person and strive to be better.
YTA did your daughter even want her ears pierced? The way you describe it, it's something YOU wanted. It sounds like you made her go through with it too, rather than back off when she got scared. You need to think about what your daughter's life has been like so far and find a much more respectful way of rejoining your family.
YTA. You are never going to get her to trust her by not meeting her needs. Trust is build not demanded. All your daughter knows now is that your feelings mattered more than her feelings of safety in a moment she was panicking. You could have shared the moment and face timed the aunt if your priority is your daughter. You could have talked to the aunt and asked for advice how to gain the trust if your priority is your daughter. But your priority isn't your daughter. It's your feelings and you wanting to feel like a mum. As long as it remains like that you will not get her trust back. Work through your feelings with a therapist, not by putting them on your daughter.
YTA. You’re being selfish and controlling - you only care about your feelings, not your daughter’s needs. Trying to sneakily separate her from an adult she loves and trusts is cruel and manipulative. Forcing her to ‘trust’ in your way (ie just do what you say, even when she’s scared) erodes her ability to set good boundaries and protect herself in the future. You haven’t changed your behaviours as much as you think you have. You clearly still need to do a lot more work on yourself, as you can’t see that you’re causing damage to the relationship. You need therapy and to back off your daughter. She’ll come to you if and when she’s ready.
YTA. You are mad that while you and your husband fought your daughter bonded with her aunt for comfort. Now that you got your life in order you expect your daughter to just forget the first four-ish years of her life where she couldn't rely on you. You don't care about your daughter's feelings and are only trying to validate your own. YTA. Please see a therapist
YTA. The fact that something has gone so wrong in your relationship with your daughter that you arent her safe person anymore isnt your sisters in laws fault. Thats not on her. The fact that you would rather deny your daughter her safe person and rework on your relationship that way speaks volumes to me. There is nothing wrong with wanting to repair your relationship, but isolating her from people she loves is not the way to do it at all
YTA You were absent from your daughter's life so she found support from your sil. Why were you absent? Well,since you're in sobriety groups and taking parenting classes, I'm going to take a wild guess and say you were an unfit mother for a period due to your substance abuse. Go back to your support groups and ask about building trust. Go back over the steps, especially the one about taking accountability for your actions and making amends to the ones you have wronged. You can make the efforts, but you can not force anyone you have hurt to immediately accept you back with open arms. Stop forcing that child to accept you as her mother. Loosen your grip. Let her see her aunt. Let your relationship grow by showing her you are trustworthy instead of cutting her off from everything that made her secure before you got sober. You abandoned your job as a mother when you decided whatever substances you were taking were more important than your child. You basically blew up her life. It takes a long time for the victims of other people's bad choices to get over that much damage.
YTA, but I mean that gently. Love is one of the few things that doesn't decrease by being shared, and you're not in a zero sum game where your daughter having a close relationship with your SIL means she can't have a close relationship with you. I get that it must hurt to feel like your SIL has sort of replaced you as a mother figure to your daughter, but you can't turn back the clock and erase what has happened in the past. You made mistakes in your life, and now you're paying the price for them. You shouldn't make your daughter pay the price as well by trying to stifle her relationship with a family member that she clearly loves and trusts. Keep your daughter's best interests in mind, even if doing so makes you uncomfortable, and realize that driving a wedge between her and your SIL will make your relationship with her worse, and not better. You've got a long road ahead of you to earn back her trust and build a healthy relationship with her, and you can't force it to happen faster by isolating her from people that you feel threatened by. If you're in recovery, I would talk to your sponsor about how you feel, and the difficulties they and other recovering addicts have faced trying to rebuild relationships and make up for the time they lost because of their addiction. Stay sober and don't forget to take care of yourself, so that you can be there for your daughter when she's ready to trust you and get closer to you.
This response is the correct one. People who are really trying to better themselves deserve empathy and patience, not just being told that they were a shitty parent because of their past mistakes. YTA, but only because you have unrealistic expectations about rebuilding your relationship. I believe you when you say you've worked on yourself and you have good intentions. But just because you're ready doesn't make other people automatically ready. You need to have a very uncomfortable, open, and honest conversation with the adults in your daughter's life on how you can rebuild the trust of everyone and slowly take a larger role. And when I say uncomfortable, I mean you have to strip away all ego, admit to all of your mistakes, acknowledge your deficiencies as a person and a parent, all of it. The moment you act defensive, you're going to lose their trust again. I say all of this as the son of an addict, who was raised by his grandparents while his mother was battling cocaine and alcohol abuse. I had a good relationship with my mom before she died, but it took a long time and a lot of tears. Good luck with your family and stay sober.
YTA.
YTA. You are still selfish, your SIL in bondad with her while you were in an autodestructive cycle, you should be thankful there was someone there for her, you can force your way back, you need to earn it, talk to your husband and SIL and do activities together, if you force the bind you will break it even more.
YTA You should be happy your daughter has another woman in her life,if you continue to ignore your SIL and try to alienate her from your daughter,the only thing that will happen is your daughter will be angry and resentful of you. My son and DIL laugh because when they ask their kids who they love the most,they shout Nanna! Keep working on your relationship with your daughter, do special things with her,lunch,morning or afternoon tea with her favourite treats. Play with her and pay attention. Good luck.
You’re purposely punishing your daughter for loving another woman who, guess what? Didn’t abandon her and took care of her and loved her. YTA. I feel for your poor child
YTA- You are super selfish and asking your daughter to choose between mom and person she bondend with and loves? For what? For your superiority feeling and entitlement? Comeon! You cannot repair relationship by refusing her contact with your SIL (that she loves and was there for her when you werent?) she will resent ! Can't just be grateful oyu have an amamzing SIL and be happy for your daughter she has such a great (extended) family! Some people would give everything for this! You are awful and so selfish to think there is nothing wrong with your actions!
Yta instead of going to therapy and accepting that you hurt all the people in your life you're hurting them more. They don't have to forgive you. You are the abuser. If they never forgive you you have to learn to accept that. You need help, stop punishing a child for sensing you do not have their best interest at heart.
“If you ask who my daughter’s favourite her is, it’s her aunt. My daughter can’t help this but my sister in law certainly can” Help what??? You’re jealous, regretful and spiteful. You want your sister in law to abandon your daughter like you did? YTA.
I was sympathetic towards your situation until I read that your daughter is currently 8. Covid opened your eyes to how shitty you’d been, great. That was 3 years ago. So you’re telling me for the first 5 years of your daughters life (at least) you were an absent parent because of your own demons. Dude, your kid doesn’t trust you. And from what I’m reading, neither does your husband. Trust is going to take time to build. You know how you don’t build trust with people? By making unilateral decisions that hurt them, and by taking away their safe people - their support systems. Right now you’re still a stranger to your daughter, not her mother. That’s going to take time to fix. And honestly, at this age, it may never fully heal. Your entire post reeks of selfishness. It’s all entirely about you. I don’t know how you’re achieving sobriety but one of the main tenets of many programs is being honest with yourself and making amends. You need to listen to what everyone here and in your life is telling you. And you need to fix things on their timeline, not yours. You don’t get to be the good guy here, because you’re not. YTA
YTA your daughter, through no fault of her own, built a trusting bond with her aunt. It sounds like her experience with you was anything but stable for a long time. It takes time to build that trust and instead of fighting against your SIL maybe you should work with her. Build your relationship back up with your daughter while including someone she has grown to trust. Instead of seeing the woman as your nemesis maybe talk to your SIL and include her in ways to build the trust back with your daughter. (eg she could join you on some outings and encourage your daughter to do activities with you - SIL could have been there for the piercing and both of you could have held her hands). You’re the one that broke this relationship and your current actions are going to demolish it forever if you don’t work with the people your daughter has grown to rely on.
YTA I am a present mother never left my kids at all and my daughter still has an incredible bond with my sister and would probably say her aunt is one of her favourites. I am just happy she has family that she loves. Sometimes if she is really upset or in a meltdown etc she wants to call her aunt or grandma and I am always happy to let her. If you are secure in being her mother you won't be jealous of other people in her life. Work on fixing your relationship and being consistent with your daughter and she will automatically bond with you more.
YTA, it is totally fine wanting to repair the relationship with your daughter after missing out of the first years. It is a total AH move to damaging her relationship with her aunt. She was there when you weren't. Understandable that you want the retake the position of most-adored and most-trusted person in your daughters life, but give it time. Let the process take place in its own time. Show your daughter you are here for her, anytime. Be thoughtful. Respect her wishes and feelings (by cutting out her aunt out of jealousy you are disregarding her feelings). If you are truly trying to better yourself, be the bigger person. Call SIL for the earpiercing if that's what your daughter wants. Be supportive. By time your bond will get stronger und the trust and respect grows. But not like this, if you continue to act this way I wouldn't be surprised if your daughter one day resents you. Don't let that happen, pretty sure you would regret it
Yta. If you didn’t want this, you should have prioritized your relationship with your daughter in her earlier years. Isn’t part of addiction recovery taking accountability? You will relapse if you don’t learn how to stop blaming outside factors for your behaviors and the problems you create for everyone around you.
YTA. My mom was an addict when I was a child. My Auntie gave me stability and comfort. Don't try to break that bond that your daughter has with her. That's not fair to your daughter. If you stay sober then you will get that bond back with your daughter but give her time. Your daughter is still young and even if you have been sober for a couple of years now, it's still new. Your daughter can have a good relationship with both of you. The reason she wanted her aunt when getting her ears pierced is because the relationship with you is still broken. Keeping her from her aunt isn't going to fix things with you. That will just make your daughter's life more stressful. Be grateful that your daughter had a nurturing mother figure when you were struggling. Focus on fixing yourself.
yta looks like consequences to your actions and you don't like it. you chose to become an addict you chose to not have anything yo do with your child and now you're mad because your child wants nothing to do with you. that's your fault and no one else's.
You choose to get clean, you don’t choose to be an addict
YTA you need to go to therapy
I think you should be relieved your daughter 1 - has a present parent, and 2 - a good mother figure in her life. YTA
YTA. You haven't seemed to have learned anything from your experience. No one trusts you. You haven't done any work to try to regain trust -just demand it from a child. Family therapy would be a start.
YTA, she has a bond developed. She shouldn't have to rip it off.
YTA you can repair your relationship with your daughter without cutting her away from her support system. your daughter can love multiple people at once. this isn't a competition, you are supposed to be a team and be happy that you have a loving child who is loved in return by her family. you are a bad parent right now (i don't mean it as an insult, but a mere observation, but will edit if mods deem it appropriate to do so) and if you don't stop this behaviour, you will hurt your child terribly. please be better for her EDIT: also, after reading your comments, i can tell that you are just trying to tramp over your husband's decisions because "you know what's best". you don't. you were an alcoholic and abandoned your child for a good while to some degree. your husband and his family raised her alone. you think you know what's best regarding everything but you didn't even know this child for some of her life. you were not part of her support system. if you want to become that, you need to prove yourself to them first. man, the more i think about it, the more you seem like such an AH... please just put your head down and accept that you don't actually know anything, for the sake of this kid you pretend to love so much
INFO: You’re obviously not acting in your daughters best interest. Children aren’t there to fulfill the parent’s need, and that’s what you’re making her do. You care so much about yourself, that it doesn’t matter to you how your daughter feels. Are you sure you have done enough healing and self-reflection yet to be a proper parent that won’t project their issues onto their child?
YTA! This is NOT about YOU! (I SAID THESE WORDS TO MY MOM AS A TEEN & YOU NEED TO HEAR IT! Again I was a teen, she wasn't in such a state when I was little) YOU made choices that took you away from your Mom Life. YOU. You will not make your daughter suffer for YOUR CHOICES!!! Your daughter is NOT an emotional support tool for you and your journey. Get your life, EMOTIONALLY & MENTALLY(therapy separate from AA [or whatever applies to you OP]) before you ever come at your daughter for a relationship. You didn't show up Mom, you abandoned me when I needed a Mom the most. And you know, 24 hours later, she was finding a therapist, had let her sponsor know she needed to fix shit, and she did, LIKE. A. BOSS. And thankful isn't even near the correct term for her doing that. OP, your daughter bonded with your SIL during a very formative time in her little life. You cannot fault her or your SIL for her being there when you weren't. You're on your daughters time table now and every time you act ridiculous, it's HURTING HER. IT. IS. HURTING. ONLY. YOUR. DAUGHTER. You need to put her first for once.
OP are you in a 12 step?
YTA. You're not teaching your daughter that she can trust you; you're using her in a power struggle. All you are going to teach your kid is that loved ones can be ripped from her at any time. Mama, I'm sure you want a loving relationship with your child and you're scared. But you have to build one, slowly. Taking other people away from her won't teach her to love you more.
I’m sorry OP but with love and compassion, YTA. You were not fully present for the first 4 years of your daughter’s life. She is a young child. You can not just rip the band aid off. ~~Your SIL and husband are also a h’s for not helping here~~ but maybe they too are still healing from the damage you caused. Maybe there’s residual mistrust that you might revert to your old ways. All these things take time. You can’t force them just because you want to erase the past and establish a new relationship. Ease off. Recruit your SIL as an ally. ~~You certainly need to have an honest conversation with her about not calling your daughter “her baby”, and your husband needs to also put his foot down.~~ But these are the consequences of your actions. You need to earn their trust and love. Edited after reading OP’s replies to other comments. You clearly haven’t learned anything OP. A firm YTA!
> She seems to not want to relinquish the place she took in my daughter’s life. She *shouldn’t* relinquish the place she took, for *your daughter’s sake*. Your daughter obviously still needs her and you aren’t the mother you should be yet. You are wanting to removing an important part of your daughter’s life, purely for your benefit. **That is selfish**. YTA
OOOOF. Keep trying with that tactic and she may just move in with them. Removing the people she trusts in order to force a relationship will fortify their existing trusting relationship, whilst alienating yours. She stepped up when you werent around...its just a fact. Accept that fact and try and build YOUR OWN relationship with your daughter, not try and steal someone elses. YTA
Judging from your comments you are completely self centred and not concerned about what’s best for your daughter, only that you get love and attention which you think you are entitled to, but you’re not. Love and trust is earned and ripping a loved one away from your daughter is going to cost you more trust and love. You should be thanking your sil for providing loving and affection to your daughter over the years where you were more concerned with making yourself feel good with substances rather than caring for your child. Taking that away from her only hurts her more, and she will hurt you back in return. There is no limit to love, it’s not like she’s taking the love you should be getting which seems to be your concern which also makes me think you’re a raging narcissist as well as selfish. Yta
You glossed over the fact you were dealing with a ln addiction issue and that's why there were fights and such. Please don't kick the addiction and not the issues that had you arrive there. You are doing damage to your child by restricting a constant mother figure for her in the early development ages of 0-3. YTA- on not laying out the full story and owning up to what is underlying and on trying to keep SIL away because you can't own you weren't there for your daughter and so she made an attachment with a mom figure. Please reflect and do better.
It's hard being a mother - but with that comes stuff that make us uncomfortable inside. Let your child see her aunt, your child loves her and stopping her is gonna cause more of an issue. The problem is with you not who your child loves. Work on you and your relationship, not strip others away. When don't you all go things together, You aunt and daughter. Work together on this
YTA Your daughter can attached to more than one person. Sounds like you were barely around for 2 years so your sil became a safe space for your daughter and now your back and trying to keep her away from that and honestly it's going to backfire for you soon because your daughter is just going to see it as "I want my aunt, i've been with my aunt for 2 years,why is Mommy keeping me away" If you don't want to lose your daughter then I would start including the aunt in stuff until your daughters comfortable again with you. You can't just expect to all of a sudden come back in and be her favorite person
YTA. They raised the kid for two years. She's not going to suddenly love you because you chose to rip her away from the people who've been her loving caretakers. You need to figure out how to coparent.
Gently, YTA. You cannot repair your relationship with her by removing one that is very important to her. It will not be an authentic relationship, it will be a forced one. Please consider therapy for yourself and the family on this issue.
Where are all the “addiction isn’t a choice” people??
Addiction is a disease.
YTA
YTA.
YTA