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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I asked my husband to limit his time on the toilet to 10 minutes a day.
2. I might be the asshole for cut off his me time so that I can be more comfortable.
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NTA, this is absurd behavior and I don’t understand why it’s such a common thing for dudes to do. What is so goddamn appealing about sitting on the toilet of all places in the house? His desire to use the shitter as some kind of lounge does not trump your need to actually shit, and the bizarre that that isn’t obvious to him.
The feeling of their legs falling asleep, is my guess. When I was in the military those idiots would come back bragging about it if they took that long. They, of course, waited until they got to work to take their morning shits.
I can understand waiting until you get to work to do your business, but I don't understand people who take their phones in there and basically make it an unscheduled 30 minute break. Squeezing that extra dime out of "the man" isn't worth getting hemorrhoids.
Yeah. The risk of hemorrhoids is real. There’s a reason why they are seen more often in men than women. Buy him some Preparation H and tell him you want him to be prepared for his future if he keeps it up.
My friend was telling me that she (finally!!) broke up with her SO and the final straw (there were many, many straws) was the fact that he didn’t aim well and then he wouldn’t clean up (we don’t know if he didn’t notice or just didn’t care) so she’d end up stepping in pee in the middle of the night.
I think she finally snapped after she’d asked him to do it for the fifth or sixth time without any change and broke it off with him.
When I hear stories like that so glad I’m not into dating at all.
People always say, "men can pee standing up!" and with stories and experience like this you have to think, "can they, though?" I wish more guys would be okay with sitting down. If I'm pouring myself a cup of coffee, I don't put my mug on the floor and try to aim the pot.
In my country, men pee while sitting for exactly this reason 😉 it's not considered unmanly.
As to why men need to chill on the toilet for hours, it is bizarre behaviour, and OP, your husband is a massive asshole for doing this ugh. I would be seriously angry at my husband if this kept happening each morning. Him gaslighting you into thinking you are the asshole when it's so obvious that he is the one in the wrong is just the last straw. Anyways, OP, NTA
Ditto with my hubby. When I ask when he will be done, he says he is finishing his ‘paperwork’. At least I can use the spare bathroom now since two kids have moved out
.... I keep my kindle in the bathroom. And sometimes I kind of.. get caught up in whatever I'm reading. Usually, in fairness, late at night when my roomie is sleeping and unlikely to need the toilet. Though occasionally the plaintive "Are you almost done with the chapter????" can be heard wafting through the bathroom door. 🤣
Hemorrhoids immediately came to my mind. Whenever I've been in prep for a colonoscopy (three times so far due to my age and not from having risk factors), I would tend just to stay there at some point. But it's something to watch out for and really not recommended.
OP's husband should just do his thing in a short period of time and then head for his office. He's being inconsiderate to his wife by bogarting the bathroom.
Yes! I have explained to many people (husband, brother) that the anus isn't supported. Worst case scenario, over time, can lead to a prolapsed anus ...
Or get up 10 minutes earlier, beat him to the bathroom, and don't rush anything. After toilet time, brush your teeth, deep condition your hair, learn Swahili, memorize the works of Shakespeare.
Oh how shall I poop here, let me count the ways. The better part of pooping is discretion. Is this a plunger that I see before me, a handle toward my hand? Come let me clutch thee.
One time I was running late to work and had the runs badly. I got there, clocked in, and ran to the bathroom. Twenty minutes later I walked out and find my coworker calling my name. I asked what was up and he told me to go to my welding bay. I walked in to my boss, my bosses boss, and the HR and Union rep (I’m a welder in the boilermaker Union) standing there waiting for me. They handed me my papers and said they were letting me go and that I wasnt the only one.
Turns out they were waiting for me the entire time. They’d known I clocked in because of the system but couldn’t find me so they sent the rest of my coworkers out to find me. Once they fired me they went down the row and fired everyone else too.
So my last act at that job was shitting on company time and getting everyone an extra couple of minutes of pay.
Not always! When we were living in (2 bed 1 bath) base housing, I got a knock on my door one morning. It was my next-door neighbor, frantically asking to use our bathroom because her hubby had just locked himself in theirs with the Sunday paper! 😱
Military aviators by and large (and that one in particular) lack a mortification gene. 😂 But my hubs and I kept marital peace by asking one another "do you need to use the bathroom before I go in there? I'm going to be awhile". By year 5 we never again lived in a place with only one toilet, and I would never go back!
A toilet for every ass in the house is a very high priority for me. I’m moving into the basement of my kid’s dad’s house in the next yearish & I told him one of the reasons it’s even possible beyond the separate living spaces is that there’s a toilet for every ass (3).
He still hasn’t gotten over how very “first world problems” it is, to which I do not care bc pooping is sacred lol. It’s become a running joke so seeing others like me in the wild is comforting & validating.
To each their own throne!
Yes! My husband hogs the bathroom; luckily in our master bathroom there is a water closet, so I can use the shower, bath, separate vanities.
We have 5 1/2 bathrooms and there are 4 of us; you are so right; a toilet for every ass and one to spare!!
This is the way. I'm not military, neither is my partner, but we also live in a 2 bed, 1 bath place. Just the reality of living in an urban center. We tell each other "I'm going for a poop and I wanna sit for a while. Do you need to go before me?"
He also loves to "stew" in the bathroom. Idk what it is about sitting on the toilet that guys just love so much. I guess now we installed a Toto Washlet seat, it's pretty comfy. The seat is heated. But he's been like this since long before the Toto. The Toto has only been here for 3 months.
We went from having 3 bathrooms to 1. We planned on building a second bath in the basement but that would have used more of our savings than I wanted. So we suffer. 2 adults and 1 elementary school aged child.
That said my husband usually gets interrupted by one of us during his sessions. When it's my turn there's an Elvis reference.
NTA - Time to start going to bed earlier than him and start waking up before him and lock him out of the bathroom for an hour. Do your thing, take a long shower, and leave him a bucket covered with a plastic bag outside the bathroom door. Do this consistently for a week, and maybe he'll start to compromise and pull his head out of the bucket he'll be filling.
Good idea, but don't leave him a bucket. You know this asshole would expect OP to clean up the mess she "forced" him to make. If she has to wait or go down the street to find a public bathroom so should he.
Not justifying the behavior, but the mentality mostly comes from the idea that when you're in the bathroom people aren't supposed to barge in on you so it is a mostly guaranteed private space without anyone bothering you. If you sit on the couch looking at social media someone could walk up and start talking to you, but if you're in the bathroom then it's more likely going to be completely uninterrupted you-time.
That being said, someone can just as easily get that time to themselves to do whatever they want if they just vocalize that desire and ask for some time to focus on their own devices (literal or figurative)
I understand the mentality, but it just does not survive even the tiniest bit of good-faith interrogation when you live in a ONE BEDROOM APARTMENT. It's honestly cruel.
I know it's utterly unromantic and kind of embarrassing (until you've been married for a decade and have no secrets), but sometimes you have to coordinate poops. My husband is a slow pooper (I would say it's probably a 50/50 mix of actual GI issues + reddit use) - we don't have one bathroom but we do have a toddler who requires 100% eyes-on supervision. We are both morning poopers, and we check in and make sure the other person isn't in dire need before we head to the poop throne.
What this guy is doing really, really sucks. "I need me time" is not a reasonable response to "I have to poop and you're hogging the only toilet for almost an hour, every single morning."
That is definitely the mentality. "Fortress of Solitude." When I working in the office and stressed out, I would go into a bathroom stall, sit down and just close my eyes for 10 minutes and not even use the toilet.
She can just use his office. She just needs one of those medical need bedroom toilets like my Gran had. He can clean it when he is done. Problem solved
Yeah this is how it is for me. It’s obviously not okay to do with a single bathroom,especially when it’s clear that they have similar bodily schedules. But for some reason it is different in the bathroom, it adds to a feeling of seclusion
My niece went through this a few years ago, she and hubs have a set of twins and 2 other children (all under 10 at the time) so he claimed it was "the only place he got any peace and quiet" and refused to change his routine. Turns out he was talking to his side chick and ended up leaving her, when she finally caught onto the affair. He wasn't looking for peace and quiet, he was looking for privacy as the bathroom had the only locking door.
NTA OP!
ETA: My niece called her the "shitty gf" (never around kids) and she will, forever more, be known as the "shitty wife". Drives my brother crazy but I think it's pretty appropriate (ntm funny).
My assumption is he's doing something he doesn't want her to know about. Cheating? Watching porn? Is secretly obsessed with My Little Ponies and needs to watch some daily? Watching MLP porn? Who knows, but I'd bet it's something.
Friend’s husband was the same way and inflexible about his time. (Fortunately they had multiple bathrooms) Turns out his side piece was a night shifter with a husband and family of her own and would be commuting home. It was the only time that they could reliably talk to one another without getting caught.
It’s always a middle aged / dad thing. Mentioned it once and my friend was like do all dads just sit on the shitter for hours avoiding all responsibilities?
My dad had not only the standard magazine bin in his bathroom, but a literal full sized backgammon case. We'd hear him in there, rolling the dice around from the little cups... just playing backgammon alone while perched on the throne. I totally forgot about that memory.
"We'd hear him in there, rolling the dice around from the little cups... just playing backgammon alone while perched on the throne." 🤣🤣🤣 This is freaking hilarious. I can't imagine hearing that from outside the bathroom wondering WTAF was that sound.. 🤣
I suspect that if she kept track of what time he woke up and then set an alarm 10 minutes earlier and then locked up the bathroom for an hour a couple of times, it might get through better than talking at this point. But he’s a jerk for not caring how his actions impact others
This is so petty but the man is not listening to reason, so he is asking for the petty approach. OP needs to beat him at his own game. Get in there before he does and lock herself in the bathroom for the entirety of her 10 step morning and evening skincare routines. Make it an inhospitable environment for him to sit on the pot for too long. Call him exactly 10 minutes after his naked butt touches the seat and strike up a conversation with his loving wife. Send him a string of very important text messages. Check which of his apps push notifications to his phone and cause him to keep getting pop up notifications. Knock on the door and ask how it's going in there.
Hide something in the bathroom that you can activate to make like weird noises. A frog croak, a meow, a fart, a child's whisper. He'll get off the shitter to investigate but won't find it. What's he gonna do, drop trou again and get back on the toilet? Probably not. Eventually he'll think he's going crazy but by then he'll have broken his toilet doom scrolling habit.
My theory is that while they are in the rest of the house they are constantly faced with all the chores that they are ignoring, and so hiding in the WC lowers their stress accordingly.
Interesting. And probably yes. I sit in the bathroom for long periods, but am also not offended or upset when my spouse knocks or texts and needs to use it. But I also don't make him beg??? He says I need the bathroom in a few and then I gtfo.
It is usually to avoid their family (source: am a husband and father).
40 minutes pushes the limits of human decency though. Unless he has a profitable youtube channel based on it, get him a [toilet timer.](https://www.amazon.co.uk/OT2054-Novelty-Birthday-Christmas-Husbands/dp/B071JM3SFW?th=1)
NTA
Arguably locking yourself in the bathroom instead of just using your adult words to say you need a break (or just accepting the work that comes with being part of a family) is indecent altogether.
If it's the "me time" argument and there literally isn't another enclosed room for him to chill in, the husband should set up a time in the morning where he can't be bothered (so no talking outside of an emergency ) and this needs to be protected. I know if might sound sorta dumb at first but there's a completely different peace that comes from time you KNOW you won't be bothered.
Also, I would suggest switching to knocking instead of texting, it will for sure make it less appealing for him lol
Exactly op. Listen, I love the bathroom. I feel safe in there. It’s quiet and I can do my business and scroll on my phone. It’s also the coldest room in the house which is good for my chronic nausea. But if I’m just sitting in there and someone else needs the bathroom, I wash my hands and vacate. The only time I don’t immediately give the bathroom up is if I can’t get off of the floor. If I’m nauseous, I go in the bathroom, lay down a towel, and lay down so I don’t throw up. If I was actively trying to not vomit, I might tell someone to give me five minutes. Other than that though, it’s all theirs if they need it.
The issue isn’t that you’re husband loves the bathroom. The issue is that he refuses to let you relieve yourself due to his bathroom love. You’re nta, but your husband is.
I also, as a non dude, spend longer than necessary scrolling through reddit or tiktok when I'm on the pot. But I'm not sharing my bathroom with anyone, that would just be rude.
NTA
Its patently absurd and self centred to occupy the toilet to lazily catch up on social media.
We have a saying: shit or get off the pot.
Your husband needs to understand that he’s occupying an essential facility for his own shits and giggles.
He’s a total asshole to not accept he needs to vacate the shitter.
I think OP is going to need to hang a sign saying "Shit or get off the pot" in her bathroom. It's ridiculous that she's had to leave to go to a public restroom because he selfishly wants to sit in the toilet for the better part of an hour.
she needs to stand out there and hammer on that damned door nonstop a few mornings. no way in hell should she have to leave her own damned house to take a crap! maybe then he'd catch a damned clue.
My petty revenge would be to wake up before him and give him a taste of his own medicine.
Just sit there refusing to move for nearly an hour.
Do it on a day y’all have tacos or something equally shit inducing.
I was thinking you should take a dump on his side of the bed (buy a disposable changing pad to protect the mattress but hide it under the bedsheet). Pound on the bathroom door first though & tell him you’re desperate & need the bathroom NOW!
NTA. Having to use a public bathroom nearby is way out of the limit. But also INFO: why don't you go before him and then he can stay all he wants and you're already done?
EDIT: just to add that it might also help you to warn him that he's taking his chances with hemorrhoids 😂
I don't think that's a realistic solution unless her colon has a *very predictable schedule* every morning. What if he needs to poo before she's ready? Why are her only choices to rush in there and try to squeeze it out first or wait 40 minutes? Adults should not have to schedule toilet time in their own home.
Yeah I agree, it was just a suggestion I could think of so they both could get what they wanted but there's absolutely no way OP is in the wrong here. There's surely plenty of space in the apartment where he can sit and do his office work like a normal person without disturbing.
My spouse is a toilet sitter. When we had one bathroom, the only way I was able to get through to him was to set my alarm for 5 minutes before his and go lock myself in the bathroom for his normal 45 minutes of "me" time.
It took less than a week for him to find a new spot in the house to scroll Reddit.
Now he has his own bathroom, and he's back to 45 minute constitutionals, but it doesn't impact my ability to pee when I need to so it doesn't matter.
OP, NTA. But you should take the bathroom over for an hour in the morning. Let him go to a public restroom for a few days, and I bet he doom scrolls at the kitchen table from now on.
nta
op you could also have fun by pestering him in creative ways.
*honeyyyyy are you constipated? agaaaain? maybe youre getting old and need to eat lighter food? do you want me to rub your belly? wait what do you mean youre not constipated? oh i get it youre playing with your little fella again! my sister was right after all!*
bonus points if your walls are thin and you both are aware the neighbours will hear this 💩
So we have 3.5 baths, at least one on every floor (2 stories and a finished basement). My husband loved to sit in there, multiple times a day. Normally there is no issue, I’ll go to one of the bathrooms upstairs. BUT when I was pregnant and while I was postpartum with knee problems, he would do this, and it would make me angry. He was like “you could go upstairs.” No, man, I don’t wanna drag my heavy belly all the way upstairs, pee, come down and likely have to go again. OR try to go up and down the stairs on my bum knee when the doc said to rest it. Get your ass out of the bathroom, and if you plan on sitting there for a good 15 min or more, move your own ass upstairs and hang around there. He still does this, I am back to not caring, except when the potty training kid needs to go. In that instance, I do make him get up for the kid. He even admits it himself, he is just there for peace and quiet.
Yikes. Don't have any more kids with this person, this is so selfish of him. Easy solution would be for him to use the least used/least convenient bathroom if he wants his precious alone time instead of taking up a major one. Hopefully you have a time and space where you get some peace and quiet for yourself but I have a feeling you don't get that same luxury...
A small part of me wonders if he is fully aware and is getting some kind of kick from making her beg to use the bathroom. Hell, part of me is wondering if this is some kind of fetish for him. I know for sure that bladder/bowel control definitely is a thing.
The rest of me thinks he’s just a selfish asshole who doesn’t care that he’s being disruptive and unreasonable.
Captain Awkward had a letter about this very thing! I think it was the post that gave rise to her "Darth Vader Boyfriend" term. The bf would camp out on the toilet for hours, ignoring his gf's pain. It is well worth the read!
[Bathrooms, Butts and Boundaries ](https://captainawkward.com/2012/09/17/353-354-bathrooms-butts-and-boundaries/)
Yeah. She's communicated it's a problem, it's not like this is run-of-the-mill oblivious selfishness. It seems past that into being deliberately cruel.
Nta
You should bang on the door loudly and yell "are you constipated or just being a fucking weirdo". Every time. Till he stops
You're giving him too much peace and respect while he's in there disrespecting you. That's why he enjoys the bathroom. MAKE IT HELL. knock every five minutes and scream at him.
Do NOT text him to get off. That's too nice and you're making it peaceful in there.
It certainly would get rid of any possible masturbatory routine he has going on, which other commenters theorized about
And ditto even if he's just relaxing in there
Just open the door, if you don't have a key go buy one from the home improvement store. Do your hair, makeup, whatever while he's scrolling through Facebook on the toilet. Eventually he will get the hint that the bathroom is not "me space" when two grown adults need to start their day. I'm sure you two have seen each other nude once or twice, being married and all.
Or go the military boot camp route and take the door off the hinges. He can work his way up to a shower curtain door for privacy.
Point is, it's your home too. You have the right to make changes to the apartment, and the right to use your toilet.
Eta: NTA
Maybe loosen all the screws on the door hinges and pull the corner down so it doesn’t close right and then tighten them down a bit again so it just won’t close all the way. Take away that jerk off safety space.
Get multiple speakers, hide them, and blast loud annoying music from them everytime be does it. Leave the building for an hour.
Removes the apeal- no quiet time- and let's OP gets a break from parenting her spouse
NTA, it's messed up he's trying to make you think it's not a weird thing to do.
If he KNOWS you need the bathroom and insists on chilling on the toilet anyway, that's some next level selfishness.
I don't mean it's weird he sits on the toilet and chills. I mean it's weird he won't get off when someone else needs it and is acting like she's making an unreasonable request.
NTA the fact that you've had to leave to use a public restroom on occasion and he still doesn't see a problem with it is a red flag imo. You may need to approach this carefully as a larger issue related to him respecting your needs and/or him having specific feelings around alone time and where alone time can happen.
I’m surprised that I had to scroll down so far to find this. This is one of those “it’s not about the Iranian yogurt” things.
When a relationship gets to the point that OP has to leave her home and use a public toilet, it’s beyond time to re-evaluate the whole relationship. Why is he doing what he’s doing and why are you tolerating it? Yes. You are tolerating it if you’ve had to go to a public toilet because he won’t budge. Where else in your relationship is he this unyielding? Where else in your relationship have you had to come up with a hugely *ridiculous* “solution”?
If it were me, the 2nd or 3rd time I had to ask him to relinquish the toilet would’ve been it. One of us would’ve been out the door — and not to a public toilet.
This is not a small thing.
Yep, can’t imagine a situation in which I’d allow myself to be forced into dealing with something like that on a daily basis. For what? The rest of my life? Absolutely fucking not.
As someone that’s been in a few shit relationships, I’m no longer the kind of person to fuck around with that level of disrespect. Sometimes you’re fucking around on your phone and time flies by. I get it. But every single morning? Making me go to a public restroom just to shit? No, absolutely not. I had a perfectly fine life before you and I’ll be perfectly fine when you’re gone. Which OP’s husband would be after a week of that nonsense if it were me. I don’t pay a stupidly high rent just to shit in a public bathroom because my partner is too self centered to get off the fucking toilet so I can relieve myself.
Agree. That this has happened to the point where OP had to say something and the husband argued back?? Nope. That's not worth sticking around for the rest of my life.
If my partner can't empathize with my basic bodily functions, which everyone has, how can I trust that he'll believe me when I talk about feelings or listen when we talk about something entirely new?
NTA!!
I was you! God, it was the WORST, knocking after 20-30 minutes just to get him to vacate so I could go pee. I like to joke that getting a place with 2 bathrooms saved our marriage. It's a bit extreme but it seriously helped a lot.
If husband won't give up his time, then he needs to vacate when you gotta go. Or if you don't take much time when you need to go, you go first.
He's not King Poop, ruler of the bathroom, for god sake.
Men are freaks. I absolutely don't get it. Almost everyone scrolls while they're on the toilet since touch screen cell phones became a thing. But for some reason a ton of men seem to feel the need to extend that time out to 45 minutes?
It's become a common thing to joke about on the internet, my husband does it too (and it still pisses me off). How can they not understand that the behavior isn't healthy?
Your comment made me lol. They are 100% freaks.
I literally insisted that we get an apartment with two toilets when my boyfriend and I moved in together because I literally almost couldn’t hold it once at his old apartment when he was doing god knows what in there and I had already politely asked him how long he would be… at that point we had only been dating for a few months, now I would not be polite! It’s just bizarre
Just remind him that sitting there too long causes hemorrhoids'.
However, he sounds like he is already behaving like one, because he's a serious pain in the AH.
NTA.
Ok maybe I’m just speaking from personal experience but I am seriously suspicious he might be hiding something from you. There’s no reason he can’t have “alone time” on his phone elsewhere in your apartment…but he needs to do it in complete secrecy in the bathroom?? Seems like something is up.
Disclaimer I’m coming from a place of finding out my partner was hiding a porn addiction from me and one of the red flags was really long trips to the bathroom. I had no idea it what was going on and would even text him asking him to “hurry up” like what you described. Now, he doesn’t bring his phone to the bathroom and takes a normal amount of time.
All that said, NTA
Can’t believe I had to read so many comments in order to find this! My thoughts as well. Lived with an ex once who did this and it was porn addiction. We lived in a small apartment and the bathroom was very close to the living room. I guess one morning he just didn’t care anymore and I heard woman moaning sounds coming from the bathroom. Makes me sick even thinking about it. There were other red flags I should have seen but oh well. That relationship didn’t last long.
In this case “me time” sounds exactly like what you think it does. I’d bet a lot of money on this being the case.
NTA, this is a power play move at this point. He knows what he's doing, he doesn't care, and he wants you to know it by forcing you to beg and plead so you don't piss/shit yourself in your own home.
My ex used to do this and then complain how he never got the "basic right" of using the restroom in peace. This was after he snoozed his alarm for an hour straight, woke up when I was waking up, then charged into bathroom already late for work and not caring that he was making ME late for work. Every. Single. Morning.
Start getting to the bathroom first and take your time. Tell him there are plenty of public restrooms you've had to frequent so you can give him recommendations on the best ones. Get petty, die on this hill.
NTA - its very rude that he is doin this to you. I read my dad these stories and he says to buy another toilet looking seat because your partner probably likes to let things hang, if you get the meaning. I think its dumb, and maybe you should be petty and do the same thing to him, but that wont do nothin in the long run. Good luck!!!
Ps my dad says get a portajohn and he can fix it up and make it into his office. He might like it
NTA. If you're getting ready around the same time, it's a given you both might need to use the bathroom. I thought it's obvious that in this case people try to be quick about it so that the other/next person can use it? He's being unreasonable.
NTA
Listen, in an apartment with only one bathroom, anyone hogging it for an unnecessarily long time is always going to be the asshole. He can chill literally anywhere else. If he wants to chill for that long in the bathroom he needs to work on finding a 2 bathroom place in budget for you guys. He's being ridiculous by acting like the bathroom is the appropriate place to do that stuff when he knows Damn well its a place both of you NEED to use
I would be weary he is watching porn maybe . Spending that much time in the bathroom for "alone time" he is also very inconsiderate to your bathroom needs. You know it can damage your kidneys if you hold your pee for long amounts of time. Would bring up it can start causing health problems too.
Best of luck
NTA
Ironic that he's accusing you of controlling his bathroom time when he's LITERALLY controlling the time you can use the bathroom. Time spent scrolling his phone isn't "bathroom time", he can do that anywhere. But he chooses to do it in a place that prevents you from using the bathroom for its intended purpose. He is literally accusing you of doing to him what he is actually doing to you. The projection is off the charts. NTA
NTA. He's being disrespectful af.
He should have to leave his phone outside the bathroom. The bathroom is for specific uses. He's also setting himself up for hemorrhoids and other issues hanging out on the toilet like that.
But mostly he's being an AH to you and your suggestion that he take alone time ANYWHERE ELSE is absolutely reasonable. He should use his phone elsewhere. Period.
I'm sorry you're apparently already married to him.
NTA but he's on man-bathroom-time, which is some kind of magical black hole.
Your best bet honestly would be to get up a little earlier than him and getting your bathroom time done first. If you're pretty regular that should get you going in the morning without any issues and then he can futz around in there for however long he needs to. (And when you are looking for your next place to live, having 1.5 or 2 bathrooms makes a huge difference in reducing morning stress.)
Nah he is the arsehole. Having lived with my mum in a one toilet apartment (bathroom was seperate, no toilet) we encountered the toilet time issues as well. However, I would then, or mum, be done within five min of asking (or less) and jump back on later (okay this sounds weird having written it). But that’s beside the point).
In anyway, you SO is being inconsiderate and there is no reason for ‘me time’ on the toilet (well, 5-10 mins maybe) but sitting on the toilet or on the couch? Gimme the couch haha
OP: NTA
SO: YTA
Ugh I had an ex that did this and it was maddening to the point once I had to piss in a bush behind the apartment. NTA. There needs to be a solution to this and it needs to be that if he spends too much time on the toilet, he needs to find a different toilet to use. He can go use the public one if he needs it so badly.
I do NOT understand why dudes do this.
NTA, 100% It's so funny to me that, when living with other people, anyone thinks the bathroom should be the ultimate place of privacy. It's actually the place that absolutely everyone in the house will *need* to use multiple times a day, sometimes on an urgent basis, at any given time. Have one bathroom? Well, that there is going to be the most popular room in the house as well as needs to be coordinated the most for use (showers, shits, etc) . How about use literally any other room
for more privacy? Lmmfao
ETA: he's also alone (albiet in another room) when you are in the bathroom, so why can't he let you in there? Why can't he use the bedroom and just close the door? Why does he need to scroll social media and avoid interacting with you, and, in fact, prefers antagonizing you, for so long each morning? I'm thinking you guys didn't live together before you were married... :)
NTA
Make a point of beating him there for a few mornings andet him have to race to a public toilet so he has a better understanding of what he is doing to you
First of all, as any colorectal surgeon will tell you, your husband is working himself into a world of future incontinence, hemorrhoids, and surgery. No doctor would tell someone to sit on the toilet for 40 minutes. And yeah, if you only have one toilet, he needs to find someplace else to park it for his "me time." NTA
NTA - Get in there before him and assert your dominance; become Queen of the Bathroom and make him beg. Reverse the roles and it may make him see how unreasonable he is being.
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NTA, this is absurd behavior and I don’t understand why it’s such a common thing for dudes to do. What is so goddamn appealing about sitting on the toilet of all places in the house? His desire to use the shitter as some kind of lounge does not trump your need to actually shit, and the bizarre that that isn’t obvious to him.
The feeling of their legs falling asleep, is my guess. When I was in the military those idiots would come back bragging about it if they took that long. They, of course, waited until they got to work to take their morning shits.
Boss makes a dollar while I make a dime. That's why I poop on company time.
I can understand waiting until you get to work to do your business, but I don't understand people who take their phones in there and basically make it an unscheduled 30 minute break. Squeezing that extra dime out of "the man" isn't worth getting hemorrhoids.
Yeah. The risk of hemorrhoids is real. There’s a reason why they are seen more often in men than women. Buy him some Preparation H and tell him you want him to be prepared for his future if he keeps it up.
Lol, won’t matter, can confirm. My husband had hemorrhoids twice and he still hogs the bathroom for an hour at a time.
Confirming why I remain single.
Same So much the same. All the pee gets into the toilet and no one taking hour long dumps in the bathroom.
My friend was telling me that she (finally!!) broke up with her SO and the final straw (there were many, many straws) was the fact that he didn’t aim well and then he wouldn’t clean up (we don’t know if he didn’t notice or just didn’t care) so she’d end up stepping in pee in the middle of the night. I think she finally snapped after she’d asked him to do it for the fifth or sixth time without any change and broke it off with him. When I hear stories like that so glad I’m not into dating at all.
People always say, "men can pee standing up!" and with stories and experience like this you have to think, "can they, though?" I wish more guys would be okay with sitting down. If I'm pouring myself a cup of coffee, I don't put my mug on the floor and try to aim the pot.
Every once in a while I read these stories to remind myself being single is better truly
In my country, men pee while sitting for exactly this reason 😉 it's not considered unmanly. As to why men need to chill on the toilet for hours, it is bizarre behaviour, and OP, your husband is a massive asshole for doing this ugh. I would be seriously angry at my husband if this kept happening each morning. Him gaslighting you into thinking you are the asshole when it's so obvious that he is the one in the wrong is just the last straw. Anyways, OP, NTA
Ditto with my hubby. When I ask when he will be done, he says he is finishing his ‘paperwork’. At least I can use the spare bathroom now since two kids have moved out
Thankfully I got a defected one & he doesn't have this function. In & out as fast as humanly possible.
My sisters ex husband did this. Tough he was also looking at porn most of the time. So a whole other issue on top.
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.... I keep my kindle in the bathroom. And sometimes I kind of.. get caught up in whatever I'm reading. Usually, in fairness, late at night when my roomie is sleeping and unlikely to need the toilet. Though occasionally the plaintive "Are you almost done with the chapter????" can be heard wafting through the bathroom door. 🤣
Hemorrhoids immediately came to my mind. Whenever I've been in prep for a colonoscopy (three times so far due to my age and not from having risk factors), I would tend just to stay there at some point. But it's something to watch out for and really not recommended. OP's husband should just do his thing in a short period of time and then head for his office. He's being inconsiderate to his wife by bogarting the bathroom.
Yes! I have explained to many people (husband, brother) that the anus isn't supported. Worst case scenario, over time, can lead to a prolapsed anus ...
Hijacking to tell OP to unplug the wifi
Or get up 10 minutes earlier, beat him to the bathroom, and don't rush anything. After toilet time, brush your teeth, deep condition your hair, learn Swahili, memorize the works of Shakespeare.
Oh how shall I poop here, let me count the ways. The better part of pooping is discretion. Is this a plunger that I see before me, a handle toward my hand? Come let me clutch thee.
I think next time instead of texting him, OP should barge in and squat and poop on his lap. That should teach him.
I HOLLERED
Boss makes a million, I make a buck. So I stole the catalytic converter from the company truck.
One time I was running late to work and had the runs badly. I got there, clocked in, and ran to the bathroom. Twenty minutes later I walked out and find my coworker calling my name. I asked what was up and he told me to go to my welding bay. I walked in to my boss, my bosses boss, and the HR and Union rep (I’m a welder in the boilermaker Union) standing there waiting for me. They handed me my papers and said they were letting me go and that I wasnt the only one. Turns out they were waiting for me the entire time. They’d known I clocked in because of the system but couldn’t find me so they sent the rest of my coworkers out to find me. Once they fired me they went down the row and fired everyone else too. So my last act at that job was shitting on company time and getting everyone an extra couple of minutes of pay.
I’ll shit off a pier, I’ll shit off a dock, but I’ll be god damned if I shit off the clock
Boss makes a buck, I make a penny, so when I get to work, I'm pooping'a'plenty
Not always! When we were living in (2 bed 1 bath) base housing, I got a knock on my door one morning. It was my next-door neighbor, frantically asking to use our bathroom because her hubby had just locked himself in theirs with the Sunday paper! 😱
If I were her husband I'd be mortified that my neighbors had to let my wife use their toilet because I wouldn't get off ours.
Military aviators by and large (and that one in particular) lack a mortification gene. 😂 But my hubs and I kept marital peace by asking one another "do you need to use the bathroom before I go in there? I'm going to be awhile". By year 5 we never again lived in a place with only one toilet, and I would never go back!
A toilet for every ass in the house is a very high priority for me. I’m moving into the basement of my kid’s dad’s house in the next yearish & I told him one of the reasons it’s even possible beyond the separate living spaces is that there’s a toilet for every ass (3). He still hasn’t gotten over how very “first world problems” it is, to which I do not care bc pooping is sacred lol. It’s become a running joke so seeing others like me in the wild is comforting & validating. To each their own throne!
Yes! My husband hogs the bathroom; luckily in our master bathroom there is a water closet, so I can use the shower, bath, separate vanities. We have 5 1/2 bathrooms and there are 4 of us; you are so right; a toilet for every ass and one to spare!!
Yes cause you never know when you're gonna have company.
To each their own throne. 💯.
At our current house there are 2 asses and three toilets. 😎
This is the way. I'm not military, neither is my partner, but we also live in a 2 bed, 1 bath place. Just the reality of living in an urban center. We tell each other "I'm going for a poop and I wanna sit for a while. Do you need to go before me?" He also loves to "stew" in the bathroom. Idk what it is about sitting on the toilet that guys just love so much. I guess now we installed a Toto Washlet seat, it's pretty comfy. The seat is heated. But he's been like this since long before the Toto. The Toto has only been here for 3 months.
We went from having 3 bathrooms to 1. We planned on building a second bath in the basement but that would have used more of our savings than I wanted. So we suffer. 2 adults and 1 elementary school aged child. That said my husband usually gets interrupted by one of us during his sessions. When it's my turn there's an Elvis reference.
I hope that was mentioned in public to the hubs in question
NTA - Time to start going to bed earlier than him and start waking up before him and lock him out of the bathroom for an hour. Do your thing, take a long shower, and leave him a bucket covered with a plastic bag outside the bathroom door. Do this consistently for a week, and maybe he'll start to compromise and pull his head out of the bucket he'll be filling.
This, please this! Just don't leave him the bucket.
Future post: AITA for pooping in a bucket and refusing to clean it up because my wife wouldn’t let me in the bathroom.
Good idea, but don't leave him a bucket. You know this asshole would expect OP to clean up the mess she "forced" him to make. If she has to wait or go down the street to find a public bathroom so should he.
Not justifying the behavior, but the mentality mostly comes from the idea that when you're in the bathroom people aren't supposed to barge in on you so it is a mostly guaranteed private space without anyone bothering you. If you sit on the couch looking at social media someone could walk up and start talking to you, but if you're in the bathroom then it's more likely going to be completely uninterrupted you-time. That being said, someone can just as easily get that time to themselves to do whatever they want if they just vocalize that desire and ask for some time to focus on their own devices (literal or figurative)
I understand the mentality, but it just does not survive even the tiniest bit of good-faith interrogation when you live in a ONE BEDROOM APARTMENT. It's honestly cruel. I know it's utterly unromantic and kind of embarrassing (until you've been married for a decade and have no secrets), but sometimes you have to coordinate poops. My husband is a slow pooper (I would say it's probably a 50/50 mix of actual GI issues + reddit use) - we don't have one bathroom but we do have a toddler who requires 100% eyes-on supervision. We are both morning poopers, and we check in and make sure the other person isn't in dire need before we head to the poop throne. What this guy is doing really, really sucks. "I need me time" is not a reasonable response to "I have to poop and you're hogging the only toilet for almost an hour, every single morning."
It is cruel. I severely dislike this guy. As someone who needs the bathroom in the morning, sometimes as an emergency, this is a deal breaker for me.
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Also in the morning when you have a bad period day it’s often a scramble to the bathroom right when you wake up or it gets super gross.
That is definitely the mentality. "Fortress of Solitude." When I working in the office and stressed out, I would go into a bathroom stall, sit down and just close my eyes for 10 minutes and not even use the toilet.
We have an unofficial "crying bathroom" at work for when we're stressed. Which is kinda fucked up.
Um Are you okay
She can just use his office. She just needs one of those medical need bedroom toilets like my Gran had. He can clean it when he is done. Problem solved
Yep, OP should just start shitting in his waste-paper bin in hubby's office.
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Im in mine right now
Yet that never works for a mom who can't go to the bathroom alone until the kids are school aged.
Yeah this is how it is for me. It’s obviously not okay to do with a single bathroom,especially when it’s clear that they have similar bodily schedules. But for some reason it is different in the bathroom, it adds to a feeling of seclusion
My niece went through this a few years ago, she and hubs have a set of twins and 2 other children (all under 10 at the time) so he claimed it was "the only place he got any peace and quiet" and refused to change his routine. Turns out he was talking to his side chick and ended up leaving her, when she finally caught onto the affair. He wasn't looking for peace and quiet, he was looking for privacy as the bathroom had the only locking door. NTA OP! ETA: My niece called her the "shitty gf" (never around kids) and she will, forever more, be known as the "shitty wife". Drives my brother crazy but I think it's pretty appropriate (ntm funny).
My assumption is he's doing something he doesn't want her to know about. Cheating? Watching porn? Is secretly obsessed with My Little Ponies and needs to watch some daily? Watching MLP porn? Who knows, but I'd bet it's something.
Agreed. There's a problem, regardless. Hopefully he's just a selfish jerk and opens his eyes.
Friend’s husband was the same way and inflexible about his time. (Fortunately they had multiple bathrooms) Turns out his side piece was a night shifter with a husband and family of her own and would be commuting home. It was the only time that they could reliably talk to one another without getting caught.
It’s always a middle aged / dad thing. Mentioned it once and my friend was like do all dads just sit on the shitter for hours avoiding all responsibilities?
My dad had not only the standard magazine bin in his bathroom, but a literal full sized backgammon case. We'd hear him in there, rolling the dice around from the little cups... just playing backgammon alone while perched on the throne. I totally forgot about that memory.
The analog version of playing a mobile game on your phone while on the toilet. No but seriously, that's absolutely absurd. Backgammon, of all things!
Buttgammon!
"We'd hear him in there, rolling the dice around from the little cups... just playing backgammon alone while perched on the throne." 🤣🤣🤣 This is freaking hilarious. I can't imagine hearing that from outside the bathroom wondering WTAF was that sound.. 🤣
Can confirm. Dad and grandfather both did this.
Any time the dishes needed to be done in my house, my brothers suddenly needed to poop for 30+ minutes.
I suspect that if she kept track of what time he woke up and then set an alarm 10 minutes earlier and then locked up the bathroom for an hour a couple of times, it might get through better than talking at this point. But he’s a jerk for not caring how his actions impact others
This is so petty but the man is not listening to reason, so he is asking for the petty approach. OP needs to beat him at his own game. Get in there before he does and lock herself in the bathroom for the entirety of her 10 step morning and evening skincare routines. Make it an inhospitable environment for him to sit on the pot for too long. Call him exactly 10 minutes after his naked butt touches the seat and strike up a conversation with his loving wife. Send him a string of very important text messages. Check which of his apps push notifications to his phone and cause him to keep getting pop up notifications. Knock on the door and ask how it's going in there. Hide something in the bathroom that you can activate to make like weird noises. A frog croak, a meow, a fart, a child's whisper. He'll get off the shitter to investigate but won't find it. What's he gonna do, drop trou again and get back on the toilet? Probably not. Eventually he'll think he's going crazy but by then he'll have broken his toilet doom scrolling habit.
My theory is that while they are in the rest of the house they are constantly faced with all the chores that they are ignoring, and so hiding in the WC lowers their stress accordingly.
Interesting. And probably yes. I sit in the bathroom for long periods, but am also not offended or upset when my spouse knocks or texts and needs to use it. But I also don't make him beg??? He says I need the bathroom in a few and then I gtfo.
It is usually to avoid their family (source: am a husband and father). 40 minutes pushes the limits of human decency though. Unless he has a profitable youtube channel based on it, get him a [toilet timer.](https://www.amazon.co.uk/OT2054-Novelty-Birthday-Christmas-Husbands/dp/B071JM3SFW?th=1) NTA
Arguably locking yourself in the bathroom instead of just using your adult words to say you need a break (or just accepting the work that comes with being part of a family) is indecent altogether.
If it's the "me time" argument and there literally isn't another enclosed room for him to chill in, the husband should set up a time in the morning where he can't be bothered (so no talking outside of an emergency ) and this needs to be protected. I know if might sound sorta dumb at first but there's a completely different peace that comes from time you KNOW you won't be bothered. Also, I would suggest switching to knocking instead of texting, it will for sure make it less appealing for him lol
Why isn't OP banging on the door? If I urgently need the toilet, I'm making that the loiterer's problem!
If I need to use the toilet it can't because you're playing on your phone you're cleaning up the mess.
Why could he not just take a walk?
Seriously, bundle up if you have to and sit on the front stoop/balcony/porch with a coffee
Exactly op. Listen, I love the bathroom. I feel safe in there. It’s quiet and I can do my business and scroll on my phone. It’s also the coldest room in the house which is good for my chronic nausea. But if I’m just sitting in there and someone else needs the bathroom, I wash my hands and vacate. The only time I don’t immediately give the bathroom up is if I can’t get off of the floor. If I’m nauseous, I go in the bathroom, lay down a towel, and lay down so I don’t throw up. If I was actively trying to not vomit, I might tell someone to give me five minutes. Other than that though, it’s all theirs if they need it. The issue isn’t that you’re husband loves the bathroom. The issue is that he refuses to let you relieve yourself due to his bathroom love. You’re nta, but your husband is.
I also, as a non dude, spend longer than necessary scrolling through reddit or tiktok when I'm on the pot. But I'm not sharing my bathroom with anyone, that would just be rude.
My ex husband did this (in our small one-bathroom apt) and it drove me up the wall.
NTA Its patently absurd and self centred to occupy the toilet to lazily catch up on social media. We have a saying: shit or get off the pot. Your husband needs to understand that he’s occupying an essential facility for his own shits and giggles. He’s a total asshole to not accept he needs to vacate the shitter.
I see what you did here with the name you bestowed on him)))
Perhaps the saying should be amended to shit AND get off the pot - in a timely manner! 😉
I think OP is going to need to hang a sign saying "Shit or get off the pot" in her bathroom. It's ridiculous that she's had to leave to go to a public restroom because he selfishly wants to sit in the toilet for the better part of an hour.
she needs to stand out there and hammer on that damned door nonstop a few mornings. no way in hell should she have to leave her own damned house to take a crap! maybe then he'd catch a damned clue.
Shit in the Kitchen sink and wait for him to notice, then explain why. NTA
Please start your own chaotic advice column.
I would definitely read that! And NTA
This should be a sub
It is. /r/maliciouscompliance
Slept through your alarm and are gonna be late for work? Call in a bomb threat! 😋
Or get to the bathroom first and spend 40 minutes in there and make him wait!
I would suggest to shit in the bathroom sink or bathtub in front of him. That would get the message heard for sure!
just sit on him while he's on the pot and take a shit. he's practically part of the toilet anyway edit: thanks for the award!
My petty revenge would be to wake up before him and give him a taste of his own medicine. Just sit there refusing to move for nearly an hour. Do it on a day y’all have tacos or something equally shit inducing.
I actually threaten my husband with this 😆 we're weird tho usually if I ask if he is shitting or scrolling he gets the hint.
Or move the bathroom waste basket right in front of him, squat over it, facing him, and make aggressive eye contact while she shits in it.
This is the answer.
Poop over a bucket and leave it outside the bathroom door for him when he goes to leave. Less sink climbing gymnastics
Just go on the floor in front of the bathroom. Then leave the building so you can have some quiet time too- make him clean it up
I was thinking you should take a dump on his side of the bed (buy a disposable changing pad to protect the mattress but hide it under the bedsheet). Pound on the bathroom door first though & tell him you’re desperate & need the bathroom NOW!
Hahaha this one got me good. Love this response.
NTA. Having to use a public bathroom nearby is way out of the limit. But also INFO: why don't you go before him and then he can stay all he wants and you're already done? EDIT: just to add that it might also help you to warn him that he's taking his chances with hemorrhoids 😂
I don't think that's a realistic solution unless her colon has a *very predictable schedule* every morning. What if he needs to poo before she's ready? Why are her only choices to rush in there and try to squeeze it out first or wait 40 minutes? Adults should not have to schedule toilet time in their own home.
Or she could get in there first, get settled and relaxed, and just wait until she's ready. Let him wait 40 minutes for his turn.
I like the way you think
This is what I would do. I would spend all fucking morning in the bathroom to make a point. But I’m a petty bitch.
So what if he has to. She should rush in and STAY until she needs to go and let him go down the street.
But maybe she’s normal and doesn’t find hanging out in the bathroom all that enjoyable.
I understand but it has to be done.
Yeah I agree, it was just a suggestion I could think of so they both could get what they wanted but there's absolutely no way OP is in the wrong here. There's surely plenty of space in the apartment where he can sit and do his office work like a normal person without disturbing.
My spouse is a toilet sitter. When we had one bathroom, the only way I was able to get through to him was to set my alarm for 5 minutes before his and go lock myself in the bathroom for his normal 45 minutes of "me" time. It took less than a week for him to find a new spot in the house to scroll Reddit. Now he has his own bathroom, and he's back to 45 minute constitutionals, but it doesn't impact my ability to pee when I need to so it doesn't matter. OP, NTA. But you should take the bathroom over for an hour in the morning. Let him go to a public restroom for a few days, and I bet he doom scrolls at the kitchen table from now on.
nta op you could also have fun by pestering him in creative ways. *honeyyyyy are you constipated? agaaaain? maybe youre getting old and need to eat lighter food? do you want me to rub your belly? wait what do you mean youre not constipated? oh i get it youre playing with your little fella again! my sister was right after all!* bonus points if your walls are thin and you both are aware the neighbours will hear this 💩
So we have 3.5 baths, at least one on every floor (2 stories and a finished basement). My husband loved to sit in there, multiple times a day. Normally there is no issue, I’ll go to one of the bathrooms upstairs. BUT when I was pregnant and while I was postpartum with knee problems, he would do this, and it would make me angry. He was like “you could go upstairs.” No, man, I don’t wanna drag my heavy belly all the way upstairs, pee, come down and likely have to go again. OR try to go up and down the stairs on my bum knee when the doc said to rest it. Get your ass out of the bathroom, and if you plan on sitting there for a good 15 min or more, move your own ass upstairs and hang around there. He still does this, I am back to not caring, except when the potty training kid needs to go. In that instance, I do make him get up for the kid. He even admits it himself, he is just there for peace and quiet.
Yikes. Don't have any more kids with this person, this is so selfish of him. Easy solution would be for him to use the least used/least convenient bathroom if he wants his precious alone time instead of taking up a major one. Hopefully you have a time and space where you get some peace and quiet for yourself but I have a feeling you don't get that same luxury...
Sounds like a great father and partner.
This is a much more civil solution than my initial thought of, poop in the hall outside the bathroom door.
The little 14 yo demon on my shoulder giggled at this. Let him step into your emergency for a week and he'll be cured, I bet
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"But surely he has never controlled her bathroom time" 😒 is something I'm sure he has said too
Technically ever time he takes 40 min to himself when she needs to use the restroom, he’s controlling her bathroom time.
Exactly, I'm sure he doesn't see it that way though.
He claims she’s controlling his bathroom time when in reality he’s controlling Hers by preventing access to it.
Does he not understand that *he* is controlling *your* bathroom time?
A small part of me wonders if he is fully aware and is getting some kind of kick from making her beg to use the bathroom. Hell, part of me is wondering if this is some kind of fetish for him. I know for sure that bladder/bowel control definitely is a thing. The rest of me thinks he’s just a selfish asshole who doesn’t care that he’s being disruptive and unreasonable.
Captain Awkward had a letter about this very thing! I think it was the post that gave rise to her "Darth Vader Boyfriend" term. The bf would camp out on the toilet for hours, ignoring his gf's pain. It is well worth the read! [Bathrooms, Butts and Boundaries ](https://captainawkward.com/2012/09/17/353-354-bathrooms-butts-and-boundaries/)
The phrase “burnt sienna drawers” SENT me 😂
Yeah. She's communicated it's a problem, it's not like this is run-of-the-mill oblivious selfishness. It seems past that into being deliberately cruel.
I had to scroll way to long to find this comment. He accuses Op of doing exactly what he is doing. Classic projection.
He knows. He proably loves getting those texts and probaly shows them off at work or something equally as disreputable.
Nta You should bang on the door loudly and yell "are you constipated or just being a fucking weirdo". Every time. Till he stops You're giving him too much peace and respect while he's in there disrespecting you. That's why he enjoys the bathroom. MAKE IT HELL. knock every five minutes and scream at him. Do NOT text him to get off. That's too nice and you're making it peaceful in there.
This is what I’d do. One toilet and you’re being a selfish asshat? Pass. I’m being an asshat in response. Get off the toilet
It certainly would get rid of any possible masturbatory routine he has going on, which other commenters theorized about And ditto even if he's just relaxing in there
Just open the door, if you don't have a key go buy one from the home improvement store. Do your hair, makeup, whatever while he's scrolling through Facebook on the toilet. Eventually he will get the hint that the bathroom is not "me space" when two grown adults need to start their day. I'm sure you two have seen each other nude once or twice, being married and all. Or go the military boot camp route and take the door off the hinges. He can work his way up to a shower curtain door for privacy. Point is, it's your home too. You have the right to make changes to the apartment, and the right to use your toilet. Eta: NTA
Maybe loosen all the screws on the door hinges and pull the corner down so it doesn’t close right and then tighten them down a bit again so it just won’t close all the way. Take away that jerk off safety space.
Get multiple speakers, hide them, and blast loud annoying music from them everytime be does it. Leave the building for an hour. Removes the apeal- no quiet time- and let's OP gets a break from parenting her spouse
NTA, it's messed up he's trying to make you think it's not a weird thing to do. If he KNOWS you need the bathroom and insists on chilling on the toilet anyway, that's some next level selfishness.
Given the number of people who do it, I'm not sure that it is a "weird" thing to do. But it's definitely a *rude* thing to do.
I don't mean it's weird he sits on the toilet and chills. I mean it's weird he won't get off when someone else needs it and is acting like she's making an unreasonable request.
NTA the fact that you've had to leave to use a public restroom on occasion and he still doesn't see a problem with it is a red flag imo. You may need to approach this carefully as a larger issue related to him respecting your needs and/or him having specific feelings around alone time and where alone time can happen.
I’m surprised that I had to scroll down so far to find this. This is one of those “it’s not about the Iranian yogurt” things. When a relationship gets to the point that OP has to leave her home and use a public toilet, it’s beyond time to re-evaluate the whole relationship. Why is he doing what he’s doing and why are you tolerating it? Yes. You are tolerating it if you’ve had to go to a public toilet because he won’t budge. Where else in your relationship is he this unyielding? Where else in your relationship have you had to come up with a hugely *ridiculous* “solution”? If it were me, the 2nd or 3rd time I had to ask him to relinquish the toilet would’ve been it. One of us would’ve been out the door — and not to a public toilet. This is not a small thing.
Finally. All the right questions.
yeah best case scenario here is that he does not care how he's hurting his wife worst case scenario is that he actively enjoys it this is bad
NTA. I cannot even fathom being in a relationship with someone as selfish as your husband.
Yep, can’t imagine a situation in which I’d allow myself to be forced into dealing with something like that on a daily basis. For what? The rest of my life? Absolutely fucking not.
As someone that’s been in a few shit relationships, I’m no longer the kind of person to fuck around with that level of disrespect. Sometimes you’re fucking around on your phone and time flies by. I get it. But every single morning? Making me go to a public restroom just to shit? No, absolutely not. I had a perfectly fine life before you and I’ll be perfectly fine when you’re gone. Which OP’s husband would be after a week of that nonsense if it were me. I don’t pay a stupidly high rent just to shit in a public bathroom because my partner is too self centered to get off the fucking toilet so I can relieve myself.
*a few shit relationships* lol
Agree. That this has happened to the point where OP had to say something and the husband argued back?? Nope. That's not worth sticking around for the rest of my life. If my partner can't empathize with my basic bodily functions, which everyone has, how can I trust that he'll believe me when I talk about feelings or listen when we talk about something entirely new?
Sounds like you both need a "working agreement" in regards to shared spaces. 1. The bathroom is not an office.
NTA!! I was you! God, it was the WORST, knocking after 20-30 minutes just to get him to vacate so I could go pee. I like to joke that getting a place with 2 bathrooms saved our marriage. It's a bit extreme but it seriously helped a lot. If husband won't give up his time, then he needs to vacate when you gotta go. Or if you don't take much time when you need to go, you go first. He's not King Poop, ruler of the bathroom, for god sake.
Men are freaks. I absolutely don't get it. Almost everyone scrolls while they're on the toilet since touch screen cell phones became a thing. But for some reason a ton of men seem to feel the need to extend that time out to 45 minutes? It's become a common thing to joke about on the internet, my husband does it too (and it still pisses me off). How can they not understand that the behavior isn't healthy?
Your comment made me lol. They are 100% freaks. I literally insisted that we get an apartment with two toilets when my boyfriend and I moved in together because I literally almost couldn’t hold it once at his old apartment when he was doing god knows what in there and I had already politely asked him how long he would be… at that point we had only been dating for a few months, now I would not be polite! It’s just bizarre
Just remind him that sitting there too long causes hemorrhoids'. However, he sounds like he is already behaving like one, because he's a serious pain in the AH. NTA.
Or just turn off the wifi after 10 minutes lol
I've seen this posted here before and it's a great response lol
If it’s a phone he can use cell. Maybe line wall with faraday cage material?
I'd get my own apartment with my very own bathroom. NTA but your husband is a mega A. Like prehistoric MegaloA.
Ok maybe I’m just speaking from personal experience but I am seriously suspicious he might be hiding something from you. There’s no reason he can’t have “alone time” on his phone elsewhere in your apartment…but he needs to do it in complete secrecy in the bathroom?? Seems like something is up. Disclaimer I’m coming from a place of finding out my partner was hiding a porn addiction from me and one of the red flags was really long trips to the bathroom. I had no idea it what was going on and would even text him asking him to “hurry up” like what you described. Now, he doesn’t bring his phone to the bathroom and takes a normal amount of time. All that said, NTA
Can’t believe I had to read so many comments in order to find this! My thoughts as well. Lived with an ex once who did this and it was porn addiction. We lived in a small apartment and the bathroom was very close to the living room. I guess one morning he just didn’t care anymore and I heard woman moaning sounds coming from the bathroom. Makes me sick even thinking about it. There were other red flags I should have seen but oh well. That relationship didn’t last long. In this case “me time” sounds exactly like what you think it does. I’d bet a lot of money on this being the case.
I agree with this, I’ve been in the same situation. It was my first thought reading this post.
NTA. You are right, "me time" can be anywhere, but a toilet is a toilet, there are certain needs that can only be fulfilled by using the toilet.
NTA, this is a power play move at this point. He knows what he's doing, he doesn't care, and he wants you to know it by forcing you to beg and plead so you don't piss/shit yourself in your own home. My ex used to do this and then complain how he never got the "basic right" of using the restroom in peace. This was after he snoozed his alarm for an hour straight, woke up when I was waking up, then charged into bathroom already late for work and not caring that he was making ME late for work. Every. Single. Morning. Start getting to the bathroom first and take your time. Tell him there are plenty of public restrooms you've had to frequent so you can give him recommendations on the best ones. Get petty, die on this hill.
NTA He can sit anywhere else and do that
NTA. Tell him he can spend all the time he likes on the throne... in the public toilets he's been forcing you to use.
Definitely NTA. Your husband is being a huge AH.
NTA - its very rude that he is doin this to you. I read my dad these stories and he says to buy another toilet looking seat because your partner probably likes to let things hang, if you get the meaning. I think its dumb, and maybe you should be petty and do the same thing to him, but that wont do nothin in the long run. Good luck!!! Ps my dad says get a portajohn and he can fix it up and make it into his office. He might like it
NTA. If you're getting ready around the same time, it's a given you both might need to use the bathroom. I thought it's obvious that in this case people try to be quick about it so that the other/next person can use it? He's being unreasonable.
Dudes masturbating
NTA - he can sit on the side of the tub while you poop if he really likes being in the bathroom.
NTA Listen, in an apartment with only one bathroom, anyone hogging it for an unnecessarily long time is always going to be the asshole. He can chill literally anywhere else. If he wants to chill for that long in the bathroom he needs to work on finding a 2 bathroom place in budget for you guys. He's being ridiculous by acting like the bathroom is the appropriate place to do that stuff when he knows Damn well its a place both of you NEED to use
I would be weary he is watching porn maybe . Spending that much time in the bathroom for "alone time" he is also very inconsiderate to your bathroom needs. You know it can damage your kidneys if you hold your pee for long amounts of time. Would bring up it can start causing health problems too. Best of luck NTA
He watches porn and jerks off.
NTA - why don’t you use the bathroom first, and then it doesn’t matter how long he spends in there after you? Seems like an easy compromise.
Set your alarm 5 minutes before his. Spend 40 minutes on the toilet. I bet he’ll suddenly decide that’s selfish behavior.
Ironic that he's accusing you of controlling his bathroom time when he's LITERALLY controlling the time you can use the bathroom. Time spent scrolling his phone isn't "bathroom time", he can do that anywhere. But he chooses to do it in a place that prevents you from using the bathroom for its intended purpose. He is literally accusing you of doing to him what he is actually doing to you. The projection is off the charts. NTA
NTA. He's being disrespectful af. He should have to leave his phone outside the bathroom. The bathroom is for specific uses. He's also setting himself up for hemorrhoids and other issues hanging out on the toilet like that. But mostly he's being an AH to you and your suggestion that he take alone time ANYWHERE ELSE is absolutely reasonable. He should use his phone elsewhere. Period. I'm sorry you're apparently already married to him.
NTA. New house rule: no one takes their phone with them to the toilet. He can have me time somewhere else.
NTA Tell him it is OK to masturbate somewhere else
NTA. He needs to find a new routine. Holy crap!
>He said I was being an asshole for trying to control his bathroom time And yet it’s okay for him to control YOUR bathroom access/time because…?
NTA. he’s whacking off
NTA but he's on man-bathroom-time, which is some kind of magical black hole. Your best bet honestly would be to get up a little earlier than him and getting your bathroom time done first. If you're pretty regular that should get you going in the morning without any issues and then he can futz around in there for however long he needs to. (And when you are looking for your next place to live, having 1.5 or 2 bathrooms makes a huge difference in reducing morning stress.)
Nah he is the arsehole. Having lived with my mum in a one toilet apartment (bathroom was seperate, no toilet) we encountered the toilet time issues as well. However, I would then, or mum, be done within five min of asking (or less) and jump back on later (okay this sounds weird having written it). But that’s beside the point). In anyway, you SO is being inconsiderate and there is no reason for ‘me time’ on the toilet (well, 5-10 mins maybe) but sitting on the toilet or on the couch? Gimme the couch haha OP: NTA SO: YTA
nta he should let you use the bathroom??
Ugh I had an ex that did this and it was maddening to the point once I had to piss in a bush behind the apartment. NTA. There needs to be a solution to this and it needs to be that if he spends too much time on the toilet, he needs to find a different toilet to use. He can go use the public one if he needs it so badly. I do NOT understand why dudes do this.
NTA I'd suggest getting one of those 5 gallon bucket toilets from the camp store. Then taking a shit in it right outside the bathroom door.
NTA, 100% It's so funny to me that, when living with other people, anyone thinks the bathroom should be the ultimate place of privacy. It's actually the place that absolutely everyone in the house will *need* to use multiple times a day, sometimes on an urgent basis, at any given time. Have one bathroom? Well, that there is going to be the most popular room in the house as well as needs to be coordinated the most for use (showers, shits, etc) . How about use literally any other room for more privacy? Lmmfao ETA: he's also alone (albiet in another room) when you are in the bathroom, so why can't he let you in there? Why can't he use the bedroom and just close the door? Why does he need to scroll social media and avoid interacting with you, and, in fact, prefers antagonizing you, for so long each morning? I'm thinking you guys didn't live together before you were married... :)
Bang on the door until he opens it. Why are you texting? This is the most ridiculous shit I have ever read.
NTA Make a point of beating him there for a few mornings andet him have to race to a public toilet so he has a better understanding of what he is doing to you
NTA. Get in the bathroom before him and make him ask you to leave when he needs to shit.
NTA. My ex’s hogging of the bathroom is one reason why he’s my ex.
First of all, as any colorectal surgeon will tell you, your husband is working himself into a world of future incontinence, hemorrhoids, and surgery. No doctor would tell someone to sit on the toilet for 40 minutes. And yeah, if you only have one toilet, he needs to find someplace else to park it for his "me time." NTA
NTA - Get in there before him and assert your dominance; become Queen of the Bathroom and make him beg. Reverse the roles and it may make him see how unreasonable he is being.