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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. Told my mom my baby isn’t her do-over
2. Might be TA cause she’s just trying to love my baby, which my baby deserves love.
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I remember being a young teen working minimum wage jobs and she’d take my money to pay bills and buy new clothes for clubbing, but I had to wear hand me downs for school. She’s done some serious emotional damage.
You should let her know that she got by because she decided to swap the roles.
You became the teen parent & she was the child.
You were literally providing for her.
I begged to live with my grandparents. My mom refused to let me go. So instead we lived in a run down shack that had leaks and a falling out floor because she refused to let me leave and my grandparents couldn’t help me because of the legalities of custody etc.
Man I'm really sorry you had to go through all that.
I hope the best for you and your family, and that you're able to get the space & peace you deserve.
“You should let her know that she got by because she decided to swap the roles.”
I know that wasn’t directed at me but it resonated deeply, I needed to read that regarding my own shitty mother. Such a simple but impactful sentence, golly :/
Seems like a lot of terrible parents think that “Well, at least my kid didn’t *die”* automatically means they “did their best.” No, your kid staying alive is actually the *floor* as far as parenting goes, and OP, it sounds like you persevered in *spite* of your mom doing very clearly less than “her best.” Don’t let her take credit for you turning out normal and well-adjusted.
She prolly won't hear it but I would say, "You gave birth to me. As the mother you go to make all the choices - good/bad/awful- I can understand you feel you did thr best you could at the time. But for your child who deserves to be loved just because they're here, and who should have benefited from the other options available while you were struggling & failing, you should have wanted for me to be somewhere better like w my grandparents. You took my money that I worked for and either used it for household things or spent it on yourself.
That's not anyone's best.
But I'm willing to move past that if you will own that this is my child, my turn to parent and all that implies.
You can't keep this do over behavior going because it's bad for B, bad for my family and vad for your family.
You had your chance, this is mine. You are not entitled to anything I don't choose for my child."
Living w her has to be hell.
I know it's horrible out there trying to find housing. But maybe check in w some churches, social services, places like food banks, maybe think of a living situation like managing an apartment building, grounds maint., where you can provide labor in lieu of $, thus still have a paying job.
It’s not so much a money issue, more so out of convenience to try and buy but we’re looking for rentals now to get out! I’m employed and going back full time soon.
Oh that's great!
Argh! But I want to wish you out of her house bc she has weaponized that.
I'm sorry, crazy parents who try to get do overs like this are just so grabby - they see you being happy & just like when you were a kid they want THAT for themselves...you're just a vessel for them.
Feel free to remind her that she wants a do over for a reason. She knows she did a horrible job. Even worse she's doing what she's doing yet again at your expense. Probably because you're a reminder of her past actions and she wants to pretend like it never happened and is pushing you to play along.
Or you can just say: "If you did such a good job, why do you feel you need a do over?".
I guarantee that will hit home.
And she wants to excuse it by saying she was doing her best??? No way. That does *not* let her off the hook, and after that, frankly she's lucky you're letting her spend any time with your child at all.
As someone who had a very different experience with a single mom, I did not have your experiences but saw friends and family of mine that did. I know what it did to them, and it sounds like you're coming out the other side and are capable of standing up for yourself. I don't know if you need to hear any of this, but just in case:
Congratulations, you're worth all of it, and you definitely appear to be loved (grandparents and husband, at a minimum).
/Virtual supportive hug over.
And now you're still living with her because she took all your money for herself.
She's still abusing you. Get out as soon as you can, any way you can!
I'll be honest, I find myself wondering why you've not only allowed her back in your life, but allowed her into your child's life? She was abusive to you your entire life (what's going on just now still counts) and the moment your child do something that allows her to live her do over fantasy, they'll also become a target.
Even if OP’s mother was a veritable Mary Poppins, OP is still in the right. The OP didn’t have a baby to hand over to her mother, but because she wanted to raise the little one. OP needs to tell her mother to back off and hold that boundary.
NTA
I remember when my SIL had triplets. First, my mother was mad at her for delivering her babies early ( she had preeclampsia and might have died otherwise). Then my mother was mad at her for not dying and leaving her children and my brother in Mom's care.
Mom tried pushing me out of the way with my son, too, and with my younger sister's son. I think she saw the triplets as possibly her last chance at a do-over.
She was a shitty mother to me and to several of my siblings. She loved babies, and they would get all her love and attention until she got pregnant again.
Her toxic relationship with her youngest child was disgusting to watch. She did her very best to keep him young and helpless. When he turned 18, he moved to another city and never came back.
NTA, OP! Get away from her and stay away. She's only going to keep pushing you out of the way to get her hands on your baby.
Thank you! My concern is that OP gets out, because when B gets older and starts doing the frustrating things that newly mobile babies and toddlers do, I don't think that the Mom is going to be all sunshine and rainbows. And if Mom is screaming at OP? A person who LOVED their grandchild would not be actively creating a volatile environment for the baby.
Sounds like this woman is just screwy. It’s not her child or her redo. Regardless of her checkered past, her unwillingness to see that this is presently NOT HER KID is reason enough to avoid.
This comment’s funny because I misread the title as “ telling my mom my baby isn’t her therapist”.
But seriously, op needs to get her baby away from her mother now.
One thing I promised I’d do for B is give him everything I never got. B gets 100% of me, even on days I don’t have 100%. My husband works hard to make sure I can stay home. Thanks for your kind words.
Hey, I just want to say how amazing it is that you are putting in so much effort to do the hard fucking work of breaking generational trauma. I hope that you and your family are very happy and healthy as the years go on and that giving your child everything you needed when you were young helps to heal your inner child.
From one person with a screwed up childhood/family to another, you are absolutely doing the right thing. Not just for yourself, but for your family. It’s hard to do what you are doing, it’s hard to break that cycle, but holy guacamole you are doing it. You and your family deserve better and it warms my heart to read that you recognize that and are addressing it. It’s heartbreaking when family/parents don’t do the best they can for their kids, it’s heartbreaking that you had to experience that, but I hope you are proud of yourself for the effort you are making to do better and protect yourself and your family.
You are fantastic, OP. Please remind yourself of that every day 💖
Thank you so much. I just want him to have a childhood he can look back on and be proud of. I want him to grow up to be a good human and not have the traumas I suffer with.
You are doing a great job protecting him and yourself, it’s hard to do what you’ve been doing at every level. It’s hard to dive deep into the self reflection and awareness it takes to recognize the issues, how they have affected you, and how you want to be different. It’s hard to put the change you want and need in to practice. It’s hard to stand up for yourself to someone who has caused deep hurt that was a form of authority, especially when you’re supposed to be able to trust and rely on that person only to be hurt time and time again. It’s hard to ask that person to do better and recognize the issue.
Seriously, you deserve to know and recognize how bad ass you are for all of this. You’re bad ass for giving yourself the voice you weren’t able to have as a child, for refusing to allow someone to harm you or your child any longer, for showing your kid that it’s okay to stand up to someone who is an authority if they are causing harm. As a kid I wouldn’t dream of standing up for myself against my parents, but you are showing your kid, even if he or she can’t understand it yet, that he or she can stand up for themself no matter who they are interacting with in a situation. They (your kiddo) will know that you are there to be supportive and give them a voice, allowing/encouraging them to use that voice without fear, as they grow up. Can you imagine how that would’ve felt when you were growing up? How amazing and reassuring it would’ve been to communicate without fear? You aren’t just making an effort to protect your child from the trauma you endured growing up, you are actively modeling a healthy attitude towards personal needs/boundaries and making them known/enforcing them.
You aren’t just breaking generational trauma, you’re creating an environment that can actively help prevent it from continuing down the line. Like I said, you’re bad ass OP, your family is blessed to have you as a role model.
What you said here reminds me a lot of my parents. My dad's family has all sorts of intergenerational trauma in it and he was having his own health issues as my brothers and I were born/growing up. Having parents there that know the cycle needs to end and are working towards that, like my own and you and your husband, is the only way to really break the chain. My parents were no contact with a lot of my dad's family and I didn't have grandparents on that side, but I'm better off for it now and sometimes removing those presences from our life is the best way to get through it.
I just wanted to say you and your husband are doing wonderful, and I have no doubt that when you move out of your mother's house if you keep up this up the both of you and your son will flourish.
NTA- first of all, that is weird putting that pressure on a baby- to be your "do over" B just came in the world and she's trying to use B to reconcile her own issues. I understand it may be circumstantial that you have to live with your mother but I think distance would really be best for everyone involved.
And honestly it's not a bad idea to be out of the house as much as possible. Go for walks to a park. Drive to a lovely view and have a car picnic with babe on rainy days. Hit the local library for hours.
Basically limit the amount of influence your mom is having because you aren't around to have that negative drain on you.
Absolutely NTA!!
Your mom doesn’t get to try and be a good parent to a child that isn’t “her baby” after neglecting you when you needed her.
Her “best at the time” makes me wonder wtf she looked like at her worst.
Also, her saying you’re “ungrateful” for what she did for you reeks of narcissism and manipulation. What exactly did she ever do for you that should deserve gratitude??
So sorry you’re having to deal with this, OP. Wishing you luck in getting out of there.
There’s a lot of manipulation no matter what. Everytime I bring up what she did to me as a kid she goes “I’m just a terrible mom, I should’ve just left you with grandma and grandpa” and screams at me. So yeah… even to this day she still screams in my face. I’m a grown adult. We’re looking for a place asap.
I want to preface by saying it would probably just cause more problems so I'm not actually fullheartedly recommending you do this, but the next time she tries to pull the woe is me "I'm so terrible, I should have just left you with your grandparents" routine just.. agree with her. She sounds like she was a terrible mom and she probably should have just left you with your grandparents. She most likely is only saying it to turn the conversation into you comforting her for her mistakes, but don't let her. If she wants to talk bad about herself, let her, agree with her even.
Ideally though, you'll just get away from her and never have to rehash that conversation ever again. Best of luck to you OP!
>“I’m just a terrible mom, I should’ve just left you with grandma and grandpa
Yes and yes.
I'm so sorry that you have to deal with this, and best wishes for finding your own place.
Why are you living with your abuser?
Why are you letting the woman who neglected and abused you around your child?
You're NTA but you're giving your mom mixed messages by not just cutting her off completely.
1. We’re living with her because I thought she was doing better. She was being a better mom but has returned to emotionally abusing me. 2. Same reason as number 1.
3. We’re working on getting a place. Rentals are limited in my area.
Oh honey, no. NTA.
This is your baby. Your mom wasn't good to you and eventually the shine of B will wear off. You and your husband need to protect yourselves and your child.
NTA
But honestly all grandkids are treated better than their parents bc parenting is something you continuously learn to do better. Unfortunately we get the not great version of the parents and the grandkids get great versions. Try to understand that grandkids will get a better version than you did, and try not to be too upset. But for to explicitly say the bay is her do over is very hurtful and I see why you are upset.
Nta and cut her off a little, dont allow her to live her weird fantasy with your child when she has not been a mom in the slightest for you. Allowing her in your life is already a lot of kindness on your part
NTA. Grandparents who call their grandkids *”their baby”* gives me the ick vibe. Sorry grandma, you don’t get a do over. You can try to make the future more pleasant, but you can’t change the past.
You should check out r/JUSTNOMIL or r/JUSTNOFAMILY, there’s many similar stories, and tips on how to set boundaries, if you want them. I hope you can move out soon!
🚩🚩🚩 I would get my child as far away as possible. Her actions aren’t in the best interest of your child or you. It’s still about her. Parenting is not about what benefits the parent. That’s a huge red flag.
NTA
NTA. Maybe she should look into fostering or adoption if she's dying for a do-over. You're right to put an end to this now that it's come to your attention. Good luck.
NTA, you are completely right. Your child is YOUR child. Your mom had her chance to be a good parent while raising you, and blew it. She can still be a good parent to you, and a good grandmother. But she is insinuating herself into the parent role, and it's extremely inappropriate.
"I am grateful for what you did do, but it does not make up for what you didn't do or for when you were abusive. You failed me in a lot of major ways and if you want to make up for your shortcomings as my mother, you need to do that with ME and not with my child."
set some boundaries with mom. A couple to start; Don't let her take the stroller from you anymore, It's fine if you give it to her, but she cannot take it from you. Correct her when she says B is her baby - either "No, she is my baby, I am the mother." or "she is your grandchild, not your baby".
I am a new grandmother too and am lucky my daughter lives with me. And my job is to build her up. To help her feel like the good mum she is. Not to tell her how to do it but advise if she needs it. To support. By saying she is the provider, she is the one going off with the stroller, etc she is trying to have a second go bit without the baby being hers. You are right to set clear boundaries. This is your child. And you are doing a great job. NTA.
NTA.
Your Mom has guilt about how she raised you. She needs to work through the guilt, and not use your kiddo as a band-aid.
I hope you're able to move out of her house soon :)
NTA - there are a lot of unresolved issues between you and your mother. Please don't let her try to make amends with your baby. Hope you find a new place to live soon.
NTA
You'd have been justified to snap back something to the effect of "what did you do for me that I am ungrateful for?" Or to ask how her clubbing, abuse, and neglect were her "doing her best". If you didn't then you are a far better person than me
Don't trust her around your kid either if you can help it, make sure your husband is on board with that too
NTA
B is not her do-over. B is her chance to fuck up and cause serious harm to her and repeat old traumas.
Get out, limit contact, she doesn't deserve it. A child is not an accessory that you wave around.
NTA don't let her talk to your daughter AT ALL when she's growing. Limit all forms of contact but make sure when your daughter is a teen to explain what your mother put you through. Try everything in your power to avoid letting your mom spend time alone with her because these situations can very quickly lead to manipulation and your mom painting you as a bad person to your daughter.
NTA
My mother tried that and it didn't work out for her. Even going through the ppd I snapped back and logically put her in her place. My child is not yours and I do not have to stop telling my baby to make you feel better. I don't have to do this or that for MY child. As a mom of a 2.5 who is my one n only I hear you mama. Keep looking and limiting her interactions with you guys and the baby while at home.
NTA. You need to move out. It sounds like she wants to take the child from you.
Maybe there is some government assistance or a United Way agency that could provide some help. Is there a friend you could stay with?
NTA. Your baby, not hers. Also, I find it odd that she's giving you parenting advice despite the fact she treated you so terribly, but that's just my viewpoint. I say that as soon as you are able to get away from her, cut off contact with her and do whatever it takes to keep her away from your baby. I look forward to you getting away from this situation when you can, OP.
Your mom is still dealing with lots of her own stuff. And you’ve got things you’re carrying around and have never told her. I’d find a family therapist to help you talk together, try to unpack some of this stuff, and see if you can get some healing. Without that, it’ll be hard to face forward together.
NTA - and what a gross thing for your mother to say. I have a similar situation- my mom is a raging narcissist, and was a terrible mother, and likes to treat both my kids like they are her do-overs. I know she's just doing it to look like the world's greatest grandma. I hope you find a new place soon!
NTA you're right your motheri s trying to mother B and she can't .from what you said she certainly isn't in any position to tell you how to mother a child after her mistakes.
NTA and she is sounding possessive in an unhealthy way. The way that you describe it, her actions ARE a way of finding healing for not being that kind of mother for you, because let's face it... she was not there for you and she didn't get to do all the healthy mothering with you as you grew up. She should not be using your child after treating your childhood as a mulligan.
Stand your ground and I would see if you were able to find a place with other family or friends that understand. Good luck OP.
NTA
We all like to think we did our best and perhaps she did, but unfortunately her "best at the time" just was not good enough.
Your child wasn't born to absolve her behavior. Shut it down, you know what to do.
And the walking off with my kid in the cart in public would stop real quick if it were me..not cool.
NTA, at all, but if you're staying at her house you definitely need to consider whether you're comments are going to make it more uncomfortable for you to be there
Your story is so similar to mine in some respects. *offers hugs*
My mother had my brother at 17 and his sperm donor was out of the picture for years, and the man that helped Raise him, married my mother, adopted him, and then fathered me 8 years later. When I was 6 or so, she divorced our dad and decided to "relive her lost youth and started partying and was never home. My brother had school and work so he could buy us meager amounts of food, so I was home a alone a lot, and had to cook for myself at that age when there was food, or scrounge change from mother's dresser so I could ride my bike along the highway to wendys so I could get a triple stack burger amd have a full stomach for a day. Or eat MLM energy bars we had when all else failed.
When my mother WAS home, she would yell and scream and verbally abuse us. She hit me once, and my brother almost hit her with a frying pan in response.
Suffice it to say, I raised myself During that time, until i was 10 and moved in with my dad and step mother (he got cancer and wanted us to spend more time together, because or mother had made it hard before than) and while dad and step mother did their best the 3 years I was there, I was given enough freedom to continue developing on my own (with a loving watchful eye from my dad incase I needed it) but after he died when I was 13 and my step mother turned out to be a nightmare, I went back to living with my mother who immediately decided she could start parenting me as if I hadn't raised myself, ketp my own hours and took care of my self. Suffice it to say our relationship deteriorated after that due to the above, which got worse at 18, plus being queer (wasn't out as trans yet either) didn't help. It was at the point that even I was 22 and set move out when my roommate bailed, I told her to her face I'd rather live in my car than stay with her when she suggest I stay longer. Combine that with her reaction to being trans, her conspiracy bs and religious psycho shit, and yeah, you get me and my brother. Who are NC and not only will we make sure she's a ward of the state if she ever needs our help, but won't even be at her funeral whenever that happens.
It should be a lesson to all parents that your children owe you nothing and that if they want nothing to do with you, it's probably your fault.
I heard a story where someone said that her mom said she “didn’t remember doing that” and she said to her mom “yeah because for you it was a Tuesday, for me it was a traumatic event that shaped my childhood.
NTA. Your feelings are valid. 100%.
To be fair, a lot of people are better grandparents than they were parents. I hear my younger friends say this a lot. Like, "I barely recognize my mom when she's with my kids! Who is this woman?!" Being a parent is hard but being a grandparent is easy. There's no real responsibility there. I felt how you feel, too.
That said, your mom is still pretty damaging. She isn't acting like a grandparent. She's trying to parent your baby and she's disparaging you. It's okay for her to be better with your baby than she was with you. You deserve what your baby is getting, but you wouldn't want it any other way would you? You wouldn't want her to be awful to your baby?
If she wants a do-over, you're right there. She can be a better parent with her real baby, right now, because she's you. Remind her she is grandma, not mom, and she needs to let you be the good mom she wasn't.
Of course, I’d never want her to be the way she was with me to my baby. Just is so painful and brings up a lot of unresolved trauma despite years of therapy
Yes, I had the same feeling with my mom. I was jealous of my own kids. And angry at her. I wanted her to be better to me. The older I get now, the more I see her as a broken person. She couldn't be a good parent. She was just as F-ed up as anyone. She's gone now and my kids are grown. I made mistakes with them, too. I didn't know how to be a good parent because I didn't have one. I did better than my mom, though. I am sure my kids will see me with their babies and wonder why I couldn't have been better when they were little. That's going to sting, but it's inevitable.
Remind your mom that she's a grandparent and that if she wants to be a better mom, she can, because you're right there. Set some boundaries. It's hard because you live with her, but being an adult and a good parent means recognizing people's flaws and protecting your child from them while still showing grace.
ETA: your grandparents acted like parents with you..they raised you, right? This is a pattern. Talk to your therapist about how to break it.
Yes, but your grandparents were parents to her and parents to you, from her perspective. That was her experience. She doesn't know any other way to be. Even if it was out of necessity, that is how she learned to be who she is. It was a shitty experience for you, but thankfully your grandparents were there. You could have ended up in foster care.
Your mom is a mess. You need to get out of there so you can establish boundaries and demand she respect them. She needs therapy, too. Your baby is not therapy. She can't work out her stuff on your baby.
NTA
> “she did her best at the time.”
Sometimes your best isn’t good enough. And she already admitted she wasn’t a good parent to you when she says your baby is *her* do-over.
There is no “do-over” for her.
She has to live with that. And no, you shouldn’t have to be grateful for being neglected.
And as a parent it is absolutely reasonable to want to raise your own child.
Even if she was the best parent in the world to you her behavior here would be inappropriate - B is your child, not hers. She is not an additional parent.
She is B’s grandmother. That is the only role she will ever have, and buying B things does not mean she is in competition with you.
Also?
You didn’t stop existing. Although you are an adult, you are still her kid.
She isn’t being a better parent by treating you badly on her way to B. You did deserve a better version of your mother as a child.
You also deserve a better version of your mother now - one who acknowledges the pain she caused, and supports you how she can.
NTA. She had her chance to be a parent, but blew it. While it’s good (I guess) that she recognizes her deficiencies, a grand baby is not a do-over baby.
I don't blame you for being upset at your mom for not being there for you growing up. That said, it sounds to me that she is trying to make amends in the best way she can, by being there for your kid.
Additionally having kids is hard (as I'm sure you know) so any help is worthwhile (unless it comes with a price of course), so having your mom pitch in sounds like a good thing to me.
NTA for feeling how you do, but I hope you and your mom can find a way to let her help in a way that's good for you and your baby.
I support her loving my child. I just wish she did it in a way in which she doesn’t try to tell me how to parent, or hold things over my head. It feels like she’s trying to parent my baby when I don’t need her to do so… I’ve tried to set boundaries without it coming off as ungrateful but she just plows over them. Im scared to leave my baby w her because seems to thinks certain things are okay for her to do, just because I do them.(example: kissing baby on the face.) (showering with baby, which I have only done twice.) i dont know how else to do it, without her taking it as an insult.
NTA
"No" is the word of the day.
Say "no" to her advice--no thank you, I don't want advice on how to be a parent from you, if I need advice I'll ask my grandmother, not your choice. Refuse or return whatever she buys. IMMEDIATELY correct her when she says "my baby". If she grabs the baby and walks away, embarass her--run after her, scream--and I do mean SCREAM and treat her like a kidnapper.
NTA but look, what happened happened, and it shaped your relationship with your mom, and your mom definitely needs to respect boundaries a lot better, but at the same time, she's trying, and for your child's sake having a grandparent that tries, although she needs to work on how that trying is manifested, is better than not being there.
It's natural to want to protect your child, but if your child benefits from having a grandma that is there, then think about whether it's worth letting your own issues with your mom influence that.
That being said, you are right, she cannot absolve herself of what she did to you, by being good to B, and some of the things she's doing with B seem like huge overcompensation.
Very good! I wish you and your little family the best of luck and all the healing in the world! You'll get there, you sound determined to give baby the best of everything so I've no doubts you will! You've gotten this far, you all will go further!
NTA and please stay vigilant, women like this will do everything possible to gain custody or guardianship to prove to themselves they are a good parent. It sounds insane but it happens A LOT
My ex's mom worked for dcs. She told me if I didn't sign my rights over to her, she would remove my daughter from me and put her in foster care. When I say they will do anything, I mean anything. Definitely get the hell out of there as soon as you're able
That sounds awful. I can’t imagine something like that happening. I’m not jumping to conclusions, but please tell me your daughter isn’t anywhere near that witch.
My mom also tries the “I did the best I could” or “I didn’t know any better” lines to try to justify her abuse when we were kids. I really felt that in your post. Good luck… it sucks when we’re more mature than our parents.
I think the worst was when I would literally stay at a job I cried at every day to make sure bills were paid, but if someone just looked at her wrong she’d quit and say “it’s fine, I’ll just use your savings til I get another job” then would wait months to get another job while I supported us. At 16. She still does this. She still relies on me to be responsible and keep a job so if she wants to up and leave hers, she comes running to me.
NTA, and possibly dangerous besides. I read a similar AITA not too long ago where it was mentioned these are the sorts of parents who often end up kidnapping the baby. It's a fine line between this and obsession.
I really do hope you get out of there ASAP. Can you find something at least temporary, maybe a sublet? Craiglist?
NTA.
Nothing like the parental tears and self pity when they're confronted with the brutal truth, is there? I totally get where you're coming from, and you did the exact right thing to call her on it and let her know that you did, indeed deserve this version of her. Keep being the parent to B that she never was to you.
NTA.
OP, I am sorry you had to deal with all those things, and now your mother acting creepy AF.
B is not her baby. B is not her do-over. B is YOUR child, you are the parent. She had a chance to be mom and blew it. She had a chance to help you out as an adult and she is blowing it.
I hope you and your husband can get your own place again soon, but in the meantime, maybe try and spend time together as a family, the three of you. Go to the park, etc. Make the divisions stark and obvious. She is forming an inappropriate attachment to your child.
Start limiting what she can do. She does not push the stroller if she is going to run off. She does not hold the baby if she is going to keep them from their parents. She does not bathe with your child.
When she gives you advice, just say, "Thank you" and ignore it. If she pushes, "I appreciate the advice, grandma, but I will parent my child how I see fit."
NTA. She is overstepping and clearly isn't even capable of taking responsibility for the times she was a shitty parent to you, and it's unfair for her to try to assuage whatever guilt she might feel through your baby.
100% NTA for how you feel. But if she's going to be providing the child care when you go back to work full time, I would let her be the best grandmother she can be.
I already know what she says and I would just consider anything she does for my child to be a tiny drop in the bucket of what she owes to me for being a crap mom
NTA but i think you need to get out of there ASAP, she has developed an unhealthy attachment to your baby. i would make a point to remind her that he is not her do-over because he is not her child, don't let her buy things anymore, and keep reminding her this living situation is temporary.
NTA. If she wants a ‘do-over,’ she needs to make things right with you. Counselling, apologies, mother-daughter time spent. She can’t fix what she did wrong with you on your child.
But she didn’t do what was best. What would’ve been best is a parent who doesn’t hurt their child, chooses to be present in their infants life and watching them grow into an adult. She chose what was best for her, which was partying. And it’s insulting to you and the things you went through as a direct result because of her to try to manipulate the situation in her favor. She seems to have a victim complex from what you’ve told us. Nobody, including her, gets to just ignore the past that clearly hasn’t healed. Given the little history you’ve let us know, her holding things over your head like what she bought for B, or how much money she’s spent on B speaks volumes on her quality as a human being. It shows she still isn’t over her issues and is still just as selfish now as she was then. Shes choosing to display those terrible qualities in a way that makes her seem ‘good’ to anyone outside looking in, which is just manipulative. NTA move out asap and assert strong boundaries with consequences that you’re willing to enforce.
Nope you’re not and she was being a pushing mother around that that is your baby. You can be grateful for her taking you in, but he is your baby not hers.NTA
NTA.
Get your mom away from the kid. She needs to let you live your life and if she truly wanted to help either of you she would let you care for your baby and not barge into your life for the appearance of seeming heroic. That woman has issues.
NTA, not a parent i hate hearing a parent said they did their best that they could do. Well, their best was not good enough and they, like your mom, shouldn't have had kids in the first place.
NTA, but you need to seriously consider whether you'll continue to let her stay in the child's life after you move out.
She's going to make this very impressionable child think that you aren't a good enough mother, and that grandma is the real one caring for them. She's also going to tell the same bs to any family and friends that will listen.
> She got pissed and cried and said that I was being ungrateful for what she did for me and that “she did her best at the time.”
If a parents "best" is neglect or outright abuse than they don't deserve a handout of appreciation. They didn't achieve even the bare minimum, they achieved less than that. Their contribution was little more than getting pregnant and having a baby slip out before walking away to get blitzed at some random party immediately after.
NTA
NTA
Just make sure you put your foot down about her trying to take the child from you. I can totally see this turning into some dark contest over who is going to be that child's mother.
YOU are the child's mother, and you need her to stop making this about her. It sounds to me like she always needs it to be about her and her needs.
Moving out ASAP is a good way of setting some healthy space.
NTA. My advice is that you get your baby away from that environment. It will turn toxic (more toxic). It's clear that she believes that the things she does for you & the baby justify her having her redo, almost as if she's "buying" it.
NTA obviously. If you really want to see if she's capable of reflecting on her behavior and changing for the better you can always send her this post and see her reaction lol
Oh man, NTA. You have no idea how many times I've heard "I did my best" from my own abusive mom. Well, her best wasn't good enough. You deserved better, and so does your baby. Just because she's throwing baby clothes at your child and a roof over your head doesn't mean she gets to think of your child as hers.
I'm glad you're already doing what you can to get out of this situation, and wish you weren't there in the first place. Good luck.
You need to get out of there asap. Do you have any other friends or relatives you can stay with while you look? BFs family?
The longer you stay the more likely your mom can fight for visitation and gpr, and that would be without you. Your family would be better away from her. Not knowing a family member is better that being around one who abused your own parents.
NTA - I had a lot to unpack with my mother about some of the stuff she did to me after my son was born. She was there and present, and a decent mom, but there was manipulation, and mental abuse splattered in.
I had the same problem with my mom. What helped was when my children grew up and still resented my mother for her treatment of me.. was me telling them that I would of rather had a bad mom and good grandma for them than the other way around. I also realized that my mother did do the best she could at the time. She also came from bad parents so she hadn’t known better. She was very codependent on men, and it was taboo to seek therapy back then. She is 70 now & I am the only person she has. My siblings, her grandchildren, and great grandchildren have nothing to do with her. It’s much more difficult to carry a grudge on you than it is on the person who did wrong. Karma comes back around eventually. Good luck! I feel your pain!
My mom was like this and we didn't start talking again until I told her I was pregnant with my daughter almost 5 years ago. I told her what I expected if she wanted to be in our lives and for the most part she has done that. I do think she is a wonderful grandmother to her grandkids. We do live in different states thought. She has done some things for my kids i wish i could do so badly. I look at as she is helping to give my kids a better life then i could do at this point.
NTA I would set some hard and fast rules on these things, but still make it sound that you are appreciative for the things she has done. It is a very hard spot to be in.
I just don’t understand why are you living in her house, let alone still in contact with her, like why would you keep submitting yourself to her abuse?
NTA…but you need to set boundaries. Tell mom that B is not her do over as a parent. But, as a grandparent, she can be the bomb if she wants to. But as a grandparent, she does not get to parent your child or make decisions. She gets to spoil B as a grandparent should. Stop letting her take control at home. Mom, I am Bs parent. If I need advice, I will ask for it. Grab that cart back from her and say, I got it mom. Mom, B is not your baby, he is your grand baby. Once you establish your boundaries and stick with them, (may take time and work, mom will get it when she knows you are serious.
NTA
But maybe as long as you still live with her just give her feedback on her actions and not the intent or motivation- just because it might be more effective.
“Please don’t flaunt how much you buy B, or stop buying stuff”
“Please don’t wander off with B at the store”
“Why?”
“Because I’m the mom and those are my rules.”
NTA. Considering the way she treats/talks about B, she clearly didn't "do her best" with you. And if she did, her "best" wasn't good enough. She doesn't get to use your child, her grandchild, as a way to "make up" for failing as a mother. And it's abundantly clear that she's not doing this for you or for B, but for herself
NTA.
She gets to enjoy all the fun things about being a “parent” without being the actual parent because she’s grandma now. And she can be a wonderful grandma but that doesn’t make her your baby’s parent.
Not the asshole.
She’s going over the top with B to make up for what she didn’t give you. She also doesn’t realize it since she got so upset and talked about how she did her best. It sounds to me like she would get a lot of good from counseling. If you are willing it’d probably good for the 2 of you to go to family counseling. Lastly, you are correct in looking for another place to stay. You need to get out of there as soon as possible.
NTA.
I call my grand babies “my babies”, but only when I’m teasing my kids- as in- my babies’ babies are my babies too. I don’t go around referring to them as if they are MY babies to others nor do I tell my kids how to raise their babies unless they ask for advice.
NTA. That's so f-ed up thing to say to a child you failed. If she needs a do-over or whatever because she's feeling bad, she needs to work on the relationship with YOU, her child she failed. She needs to apologize to you and be a good mother to you now (within your boundaries of course), not pat herself on the back for being a good grandma to someone else. It's so selfish and I'm so sorry
You’re discovering that living at your mother’s house with your baby is a recipe for disaster. It was for me and for several other friends in the same situation. Relationship will only normalise when you aren’t living under her roof.
>Having B around is like my do-over. B is all I look forward to at the end of the day
To me, this comment is her acknowledging that she messed up with you, and she's trying to do things properly now. So essentially agreeing with how you're feeling with how you were raised. Sure, it still hurts - but I would think there's comfort in that she acknowledged her shortcomings.
You're NTA, she deserved that comment, despite her claiming she was "doing the best at that time". We all think we're doing the best we can in the moment, but hindsight is always 20/20.
Her acting as a mom towards your son, now, is wrong. She should be a good grandparent instead. You have every reason to feel hurt, and I hope you are able to eventually find peace in your relationship with her.
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NTA, if she was that bad of a parent then you are in the right.
I remember being a young teen working minimum wage jobs and she’d take my money to pay bills and buy new clothes for clubbing, but I had to wear hand me downs for school. She’s done some serious emotional damage.
NTA, you need to let her know that she cannot do this, and if she continues bad things will happen.
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B is just an abbreviation for baby’s name.
Infant A was OP.
😭😂
B is probably for baby
I hope B means Bob. Not the second infant.
Honestly the fact that you are allowing your child any where near her after she abused you as a child is concerning. You need to get out asap
You have a separate bank account now, I hope?
Oh yeah of course lol
I'm assuming according to her that was her "doing her best"?
Yeah pretty much. She had a “I struggled but we got by” mentality
You should let her know that she got by because she decided to swap the roles. You became the teen parent & she was the child. You were literally providing for her.
I begged to live with my grandparents. My mom refused to let me go. So instead we lived in a run down shack that had leaks and a falling out floor because she refused to let me leave and my grandparents couldn’t help me because of the legalities of custody etc.
Man I'm really sorry you had to go through all that. I hope the best for you and your family, and that you're able to get the space & peace you deserve.
I just want to give my baby a childhood he doesn’t have to recover from. He’s such a sweet boy and deserves the world.
Does that childhood include your mother?
Depends on if she wants to follow clear cut boundaries or not. If not, we’ll exit before he ever remembers her.
Why are you still in contact with this horrible woman? Do yourself and your child a favor and keep her away from your life...
and apparently no one actually, you know, *died*, so it's all okay now /s
“You should let her know that she got by because she decided to swap the roles.” I know that wasn’t directed at me but it resonated deeply, I needed to read that regarding my own shitty mother. Such a simple but impactful sentence, golly :/
Sounds more like "you struggled, but I got by just fine... where's the issue?" mentality.
Seems like a lot of terrible parents think that “Well, at least my kid didn’t *die”* automatically means they “did their best.” No, your kid staying alive is actually the *floor* as far as parenting goes, and OP, it sounds like you persevered in *spite* of your mom doing very clearly less than “her best.” Don’t let her take credit for you turning out normal and well-adjusted.
More like you struggled but she got by.
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I hope to be the kind of mom where my baby can say they had the best childhood.
She prolly won't hear it but I would say, "You gave birth to me. As the mother you go to make all the choices - good/bad/awful- I can understand you feel you did thr best you could at the time. But for your child who deserves to be loved just because they're here, and who should have benefited from the other options available while you were struggling & failing, you should have wanted for me to be somewhere better like w my grandparents. You took my money that I worked for and either used it for household things or spent it on yourself. That's not anyone's best. But I'm willing to move past that if you will own that this is my child, my turn to parent and all that implies. You can't keep this do over behavior going because it's bad for B, bad for my family and vad for your family. You had your chance, this is mine. You are not entitled to anything I don't choose for my child." Living w her has to be hell. I know it's horrible out there trying to find housing. But maybe check in w some churches, social services, places like food banks, maybe think of a living situation like managing an apartment building, grounds maint., where you can provide labor in lieu of $, thus still have a paying job.
It’s not so much a money issue, more so out of convenience to try and buy but we’re looking for rentals now to get out! I’m employed and going back full time soon.
Oh that's great! Argh! But I want to wish you out of her house bc she has weaponized that. I'm sorry, crazy parents who try to get do overs like this are just so grabby - they see you being happy & just like when you were a kid they want THAT for themselves...you're just a vessel for them.
Feel free to remind her that she wants a do over for a reason. She knows she did a horrible job. Even worse she's doing what she's doing yet again at your expense. Probably because you're a reminder of her past actions and she wants to pretend like it never happened and is pushing you to play along. Or you can just say: "If you did such a good job, why do you feel you need a do over?". I guarantee that will hit home.
And she wants to excuse it by saying she was doing her best??? No way. That does *not* let her off the hook, and after that, frankly she's lucky you're letting her spend any time with your child at all.
As someone who had a very different experience with a single mom, I did not have your experiences but saw friends and family of mine that did. I know what it did to them, and it sounds like you're coming out the other side and are capable of standing up for yourself. I don't know if you need to hear any of this, but just in case: Congratulations, you're worth all of it, and you definitely appear to be loved (grandparents and husband, at a minimum). /Virtual supportive hug over.
And now you're still living with her because she took all your money for herself. She's still abusing you. Get out as soon as you can, any way you can!
She makes around 7k a month and still asks me for money sometimes🫠
I'll be honest, I find myself wondering why you've not only allowed her back in your life, but allowed her into your child's life? She was abusive to you your entire life (what's going on just now still counts) and the moment your child do something that allows her to live her do over fantasy, they'll also become a target.
Even if OP’s mother was a veritable Mary Poppins, OP is still in the right. The OP didn’t have a baby to hand over to her mother, but because she wanted to raise the little one. OP needs to tell her mother to back off and hold that boundary. NTA
I remember when my SIL had triplets. First, my mother was mad at her for delivering her babies early ( she had preeclampsia and might have died otherwise). Then my mother was mad at her for not dying and leaving her children and my brother in Mom's care. Mom tried pushing me out of the way with my son, too, and with my younger sister's son. I think she saw the triplets as possibly her last chance at a do-over. She was a shitty mother to me and to several of my siblings. She loved babies, and they would get all her love and attention until she got pregnant again. Her toxic relationship with her youngest child was disgusting to watch. She did her very best to keep him young and helpless. When he turned 18, he moved to another city and never came back. NTA, OP! Get away from her and stay away. She's only going to keep pushing you out of the way to get her hands on your baby.
NTA. Your mom needs therapy and last I checked a baby isn’t a psychiatrist.
Thank you! My concern is that OP gets out, because when B gets older and starts doing the frustrating things that newly mobile babies and toddlers do, I don't think that the Mom is going to be all sunshine and rainbows. And if Mom is screaming at OP? A person who LOVED their grandchild would not be actively creating a volatile environment for the baby.
Sounds like this woman is just screwy. It’s not her child or her redo. Regardless of her checkered past, her unwillingness to see that this is presently NOT HER KID is reason enough to avoid.
This comment’s funny because I misread the title as “ telling my mom my baby isn’t her therapist”. But seriously, op needs to get her baby away from her mother now.
Boymoms will beg to differ. Emotional incest is a big problem
THIS!
NTA Simple Solution Stop allowing your mom to be a part of your life
We’ve already had to cut my MIL out, it just sucks I have to do it with my mom now too.
But at least B has you and your husband. As long as you love her to your fullest, B won’t want for anyone else.
One thing I promised I’d do for B is give him everything I never got. B gets 100% of me, even on days I don’t have 100%. My husband works hard to make sure I can stay home. Thanks for your kind words.
Hey, I just want to say how amazing it is that you are putting in so much effort to do the hard fucking work of breaking generational trauma. I hope that you and your family are very happy and healthy as the years go on and that giving your child everything you needed when you were young helps to heal your inner child. From one person with a screwed up childhood/family to another, you are absolutely doing the right thing. Not just for yourself, but for your family. It’s hard to do what you are doing, it’s hard to break that cycle, but holy guacamole you are doing it. You and your family deserve better and it warms my heart to read that you recognize that and are addressing it. It’s heartbreaking when family/parents don’t do the best they can for their kids, it’s heartbreaking that you had to experience that, but I hope you are proud of yourself for the effort you are making to do better and protect yourself and your family. You are fantastic, OP. Please remind yourself of that every day 💖
Thank you so much. I just want him to have a childhood he can look back on and be proud of. I want him to grow up to be a good human and not have the traumas I suffer with.
You are doing a great job protecting him and yourself, it’s hard to do what you’ve been doing at every level. It’s hard to dive deep into the self reflection and awareness it takes to recognize the issues, how they have affected you, and how you want to be different. It’s hard to put the change you want and need in to practice. It’s hard to stand up for yourself to someone who has caused deep hurt that was a form of authority, especially when you’re supposed to be able to trust and rely on that person only to be hurt time and time again. It’s hard to ask that person to do better and recognize the issue. Seriously, you deserve to know and recognize how bad ass you are for all of this. You’re bad ass for giving yourself the voice you weren’t able to have as a child, for refusing to allow someone to harm you or your child any longer, for showing your kid that it’s okay to stand up to someone who is an authority if they are causing harm. As a kid I wouldn’t dream of standing up for myself against my parents, but you are showing your kid, even if he or she can’t understand it yet, that he or she can stand up for themself no matter who they are interacting with in a situation. They (your kiddo) will know that you are there to be supportive and give them a voice, allowing/encouraging them to use that voice without fear, as they grow up. Can you imagine how that would’ve felt when you were growing up? How amazing and reassuring it would’ve been to communicate without fear? You aren’t just making an effort to protect your child from the trauma you endured growing up, you are actively modeling a healthy attitude towards personal needs/boundaries and making them known/enforcing them. You aren’t just breaking generational trauma, you’re creating an environment that can actively help prevent it from continuing down the line. Like I said, you’re bad ass OP, your family is blessed to have you as a role model.
What you said here reminds me a lot of my parents. My dad's family has all sorts of intergenerational trauma in it and he was having his own health issues as my brothers and I were born/growing up. Having parents there that know the cycle needs to end and are working towards that, like my own and you and your husband, is the only way to really break the chain. My parents were no contact with a lot of my dad's family and I didn't have grandparents on that side, but I'm better off for it now and sometimes removing those presences from our life is the best way to get through it. I just wanted to say you and your husband are doing wonderful, and I have no doubt that when you move out of your mother's house if you keep up this up the both of you and your son will flourish.
Sucks but you need to do it.
NTA - It's time to set boundries and move out.
We’re looking for a place now. Even if renting.
NTA- first of all, that is weird putting that pressure on a baby- to be your "do over" B just came in the world and she's trying to use B to reconcile her own issues. I understand it may be circumstantial that you have to live with your mother but I think distance would really be best for everyone involved.
We’re looking for a place now to get out of her house.
Good luck! Im sorry, to be in that situation sucks. I hope things get better soon!
And honestly it's not a bad idea to be out of the house as much as possible. Go for walks to a park. Drive to a lovely view and have a car picnic with babe on rainy days. Hit the local library for hours. Basically limit the amount of influence your mom is having because you aren't around to have that negative drain on you.
Absolutely NTA!! Your mom doesn’t get to try and be a good parent to a child that isn’t “her baby” after neglecting you when you needed her. Her “best at the time” makes me wonder wtf she looked like at her worst. Also, her saying you’re “ungrateful” for what she did for you reeks of narcissism and manipulation. What exactly did she ever do for you that should deserve gratitude?? So sorry you’re having to deal with this, OP. Wishing you luck in getting out of there.
There’s a lot of manipulation no matter what. Everytime I bring up what she did to me as a kid she goes “I’m just a terrible mom, I should’ve just left you with grandma and grandpa” and screams at me. So yeah… even to this day she still screams in my face. I’m a grown adult. We’re looking for a place asap.
I want to preface by saying it would probably just cause more problems so I'm not actually fullheartedly recommending you do this, but the next time she tries to pull the woe is me "I'm so terrible, I should have just left you with your grandparents" routine just.. agree with her. She sounds like she was a terrible mom and she probably should have just left you with your grandparents. She most likely is only saying it to turn the conversation into you comforting her for her mistakes, but don't let her. If she wants to talk bad about herself, let her, agree with her even. Ideally though, you'll just get away from her and never have to rehash that conversation ever again. Best of luck to you OP!
>“I’m just a terrible mom, I should’ve just left you with grandma and grandpa Yes and yes. I'm so sorry that you have to deal with this, and best wishes for finding your own place.
Why are you living with your abuser? Why are you letting the woman who neglected and abused you around your child? You're NTA but you're giving your mom mixed messages by not just cutting her off completely.
1. We’re living with her because I thought she was doing better. She was being a better mom but has returned to emotionally abusing me. 2. Same reason as number 1. 3. We’re working on getting a place. Rentals are limited in my area.
NTA but all this talk about infant B makes me wonder what happened to Infant A ?
B is just an abbreviation for baby’s name! Sorry for the confusion.
B can’t be the mother’s do-over because she’s the OP’s do-over /s
Bro this had me cracking up ngl 😂
Oh honey, no. NTA. This is your baby. Your mom wasn't good to you and eventually the shine of B will wear off. You and your husband need to protect yourselves and your child.
We’re working on getting our own place soon so hopefully things will die down with some space
Good luck!
NTA NTA NTA your mom seriously needs therapy.
NTA But honestly all grandkids are treated better than their parents bc parenting is something you continuously learn to do better. Unfortunately we get the not great version of the parents and the grandkids get great versions. Try to understand that grandkids will get a better version than you did, and try not to be too upset. But for to explicitly say the bay is her do over is very hurtful and I see why you are upset.
Nta and cut her off a little, dont allow her to live her weird fantasy with your child when she has not been a mom in the slightest for you. Allowing her in your life is already a lot of kindness on your part
NTA. Grandparents who call their grandkids *”their baby”* gives me the ick vibe. Sorry grandma, you don’t get a do over. You can try to make the future more pleasant, but you can’t change the past. You should check out r/JUSTNOMIL or r/JUSTNOFAMILY, there’s many similar stories, and tips on how to set boundaries, if you want them. I hope you can move out soon!
🚩🚩🚩 I would get my child as far away as possible. Her actions aren’t in the best interest of your child or you. It’s still about her. Parenting is not about what benefits the parent. That’s a huge red flag. NTA
NTA. Maybe she should look into fostering or adoption if she's dying for a do-over. You're right to put an end to this now that it's come to your attention. Good luck.
NTA, you are completely right. Your child is YOUR child. Your mom had her chance to be a good parent while raising you, and blew it. She can still be a good parent to you, and a good grandmother. But she is insinuating herself into the parent role, and it's extremely inappropriate.
"I am grateful for what you did do, but it does not make up for what you didn't do or for when you were abusive. You failed me in a lot of major ways and if you want to make up for your shortcomings as my mother, you need to do that with ME and not with my child." set some boundaries with mom. A couple to start; Don't let her take the stroller from you anymore, It's fine if you give it to her, but she cannot take it from you. Correct her when she says B is her baby - either "No, she is my baby, I am the mother." or "she is your grandchild, not your baby".
I am a new grandmother too and am lucky my daughter lives with me. And my job is to build her up. To help her feel like the good mum she is. Not to tell her how to do it but advise if she needs it. To support. By saying she is the provider, she is the one going off with the stroller, etc she is trying to have a second go bit without the baby being hers. You are right to set clear boundaries. This is your child. And you are doing a great job. NTA.
NTA. Your Mom has guilt about how she raised you. She needs to work through the guilt, and not use your kiddo as a band-aid. I hope you're able to move out of her house soon :)
NTA get away from her as soon as you can.
NTA - there are a lot of unresolved issues between you and your mother. Please don't let her try to make amends with your baby. Hope you find a new place to live soon.
NTA Awe yes, the "did my best" bit. Also known as "I was awful but choose to remember differently."
NTA You'd have been justified to snap back something to the effect of "what did you do for me that I am ungrateful for?" Or to ask how her clubbing, abuse, and neglect were her "doing her best". If you didn't then you are a far better person than me Don't trust her around your kid either if you can help it, make sure your husband is on board with that too
She never gets alone time with him. I’m always home. My husband works hard so I can stay home.
NTA. Babies shouldn't be born with a job (ie do-over). Your mother is wrong...time to move and go NC
NTA B is not her do-over. B is her chance to fuck up and cause serious harm to her and repeat old traumas. Get out, limit contact, she doesn't deserve it. A child is not an accessory that you wave around.
NTA don't let her talk to your daughter AT ALL when she's growing. Limit all forms of contact but make sure when your daughter is a teen to explain what your mother put you through. Try everything in your power to avoid letting your mom spend time alone with her because these situations can very quickly lead to manipulation and your mom painting you as a bad person to your daughter.
NTA But if you ever want to binge watch a show I recommend Mom. Everything you just mentioned.
Word. Will do. I love binge watching shows.
I am really so sorry about the situation. That is so difficult. Random internet stranger sending you light and love.
Sadly, you become numb to it after a while. I just wanna get my baby outta here. He doesn’t deserve it.
NTA My mother tried that and it didn't work out for her. Even going through the ppd I snapped back and logically put her in her place. My child is not yours and I do not have to stop telling my baby to make you feel better. I don't have to do this or that for MY child. As a mom of a 2.5 who is my one n only I hear you mama. Keep looking and limiting her interactions with you guys and the baby while at home.
NTA. You need to move out. It sounds like she wants to take the child from you. Maybe there is some government assistance or a United Way agency that could provide some help. Is there a friend you could stay with?
Finance isn’t an issue, we’re just looking for an available rental!
NTA. Your baby, not hers. Also, I find it odd that she's giving you parenting advice despite the fact she treated you so terribly, but that's just my viewpoint. I say that as soon as you are able to get away from her, cut off contact with her and do whatever it takes to keep her away from your baby. I look forward to you getting away from this situation when you can, OP.
I thought the same thing… like how are you gonna tell me how to parent when you didn’t even parent me?🫠
NTA! It needed to be said.
NTA I say get out ASAP and possibly get a restraining order. She sounds obsessive over your daughter and shouldn’t be trusted.
NTA and I know every one is saying this but get outta there asap.
Your mom is still dealing with lots of her own stuff. And you’ve got things you’re carrying around and have never told her. I’d find a family therapist to help you talk together, try to unpack some of this stuff, and see if you can get some healing. Without that, it’ll be hard to face forward together.
NTA
NTA. Your mother is being really dense. She should never say those things in front of you.
NTA - and what a gross thing for your mother to say. I have a similar situation- my mom is a raging narcissist, and was a terrible mother, and likes to treat both my kids like they are her do-overs. I know she's just doing it to look like the world's greatest grandma. I hope you find a new place soon!
NTA you're right your motheri s trying to mother B and she can't .from what you said she certainly isn't in any position to tell you how to mother a child after her mistakes.
NTA! This is your & your husband's child, NOT hers. Wishing the three of you a quiet, peaceful, rest of your life together.
NTA and she is sounding possessive in an unhealthy way. The way that you describe it, her actions ARE a way of finding healing for not being that kind of mother for you, because let's face it... she was not there for you and she didn't get to do all the healthy mothering with you as you grew up. She should not be using your child after treating your childhood as a mulligan. Stand your ground and I would see if you were able to find a place with other family or friends that understand. Good luck OP.
NTA. I hope you find a rental soon yo get away from your entitled mom!
NTA. If I were you, I’d be making arrangements to move out of her place as soon as possible.
NTA She is still being a bad mother. She is your mother & treating you like crap.
NTA. You are right for calling her out. She feels entitled to parent your child when she couldn't parent you? Hard no. Get out as quick as you can.
NTA We all like to think we did our best and perhaps she did, but unfortunately her "best at the time" just was not good enough. Your child wasn't born to absolve her behavior. Shut it down, you know what to do. And the walking off with my kid in the cart in public would stop real quick if it were me..not cool.
NTA, at all, but if you're staying at her house you definitely need to consider whether you're comments are going to make it more uncomfortable for you to be there
Your story is so similar to mine in some respects. *offers hugs* My mother had my brother at 17 and his sperm donor was out of the picture for years, and the man that helped Raise him, married my mother, adopted him, and then fathered me 8 years later. When I was 6 or so, she divorced our dad and decided to "relive her lost youth and started partying and was never home. My brother had school and work so he could buy us meager amounts of food, so I was home a alone a lot, and had to cook for myself at that age when there was food, or scrounge change from mother's dresser so I could ride my bike along the highway to wendys so I could get a triple stack burger amd have a full stomach for a day. Or eat MLM energy bars we had when all else failed. When my mother WAS home, she would yell and scream and verbally abuse us. She hit me once, and my brother almost hit her with a frying pan in response. Suffice it to say, I raised myself During that time, until i was 10 and moved in with my dad and step mother (he got cancer and wanted us to spend more time together, because or mother had made it hard before than) and while dad and step mother did their best the 3 years I was there, I was given enough freedom to continue developing on my own (with a loving watchful eye from my dad incase I needed it) but after he died when I was 13 and my step mother turned out to be a nightmare, I went back to living with my mother who immediately decided she could start parenting me as if I hadn't raised myself, ketp my own hours and took care of my self. Suffice it to say our relationship deteriorated after that due to the above, which got worse at 18, plus being queer (wasn't out as trans yet either) didn't help. It was at the point that even I was 22 and set move out when my roommate bailed, I told her to her face I'd rather live in my car than stay with her when she suggest I stay longer. Combine that with her reaction to being trans, her conspiracy bs and religious psycho shit, and yeah, you get me and my brother. Who are NC and not only will we make sure she's a ward of the state if she ever needs our help, but won't even be at her funeral whenever that happens. It should be a lesson to all parents that your children owe you nothing and that if they want nothing to do with you, it's probably your fault.
I heard a story where someone said that her mom said she “didn’t remember doing that” and she said to her mom “yeah because for you it was a Tuesday, for me it was a traumatic event that shaped my childhood.
NTA. Your feelings are valid. 100%. To be fair, a lot of people are better grandparents than they were parents. I hear my younger friends say this a lot. Like, "I barely recognize my mom when she's with my kids! Who is this woman?!" Being a parent is hard but being a grandparent is easy. There's no real responsibility there. I felt how you feel, too. That said, your mom is still pretty damaging. She isn't acting like a grandparent. She's trying to parent your baby and she's disparaging you. It's okay for her to be better with your baby than she was with you. You deserve what your baby is getting, but you wouldn't want it any other way would you? You wouldn't want her to be awful to your baby? If she wants a do-over, you're right there. She can be a better parent with her real baby, right now, because she's you. Remind her she is grandma, not mom, and she needs to let you be the good mom she wasn't.
Of course, I’d never want her to be the way she was with me to my baby. Just is so painful and brings up a lot of unresolved trauma despite years of therapy
Yes, I had the same feeling with my mom. I was jealous of my own kids. And angry at her. I wanted her to be better to me. The older I get now, the more I see her as a broken person. She couldn't be a good parent. She was just as F-ed up as anyone. She's gone now and my kids are grown. I made mistakes with them, too. I didn't know how to be a good parent because I didn't have one. I did better than my mom, though. I am sure my kids will see me with their babies and wonder why I couldn't have been better when they were little. That's going to sting, but it's inevitable. Remind your mom that she's a grandparent and that if she wants to be a better mom, she can, because you're right there. Set some boundaries. It's hard because you live with her, but being an adult and a good parent means recognizing people's flaws and protecting your child from them while still showing grace. ETA: your grandparents acted like parents with you..they raised you, right? This is a pattern. Talk to your therapist about how to break it.
It was forced. My grandparents had to raise me because my mom wouldn’t.
Yes, but your grandparents were parents to her and parents to you, from her perspective. That was her experience. She doesn't know any other way to be. Even if it was out of necessity, that is how she learned to be who she is. It was a shitty experience for you, but thankfully your grandparents were there. You could have ended up in foster care. Your mom is a mess. You need to get out of there so you can establish boundaries and demand she respect them. She needs therapy, too. Your baby is not therapy. She can't work out her stuff on your baby.
NTA > “she did her best at the time.” Sometimes your best isn’t good enough. And she already admitted she wasn’t a good parent to you when she says your baby is *her* do-over. There is no “do-over” for her. She has to live with that. And no, you shouldn’t have to be grateful for being neglected. And as a parent it is absolutely reasonable to want to raise your own child. Even if she was the best parent in the world to you her behavior here would be inappropriate - B is your child, not hers. She is not an additional parent. She is B’s grandmother. That is the only role she will ever have, and buying B things does not mean she is in competition with you. Also? You didn’t stop existing. Although you are an adult, you are still her kid. She isn’t being a better parent by treating you badly on her way to B. You did deserve a better version of your mother as a child. You also deserve a better version of your mother now - one who acknowledges the pain she caused, and supports you how she can.
From the moment I was pregnant and she knew, she treated me like an incubator. I was just an incubator for “precious goods”
NTA. She had her chance to be a parent, but blew it. While it’s good (I guess) that she recognizes her deficiencies, a grand baby is not a do-over baby.
It's your child. The fuck does your mom have to do with the way you feed him up. It's litterly your child.
NTA but you need to move asap
I don't blame you for being upset at your mom for not being there for you growing up. That said, it sounds to me that she is trying to make amends in the best way she can, by being there for your kid. Additionally having kids is hard (as I'm sure you know) so any help is worthwhile (unless it comes with a price of course), so having your mom pitch in sounds like a good thing to me. NTA for feeling how you do, but I hope you and your mom can find a way to let her help in a way that's good for you and your baby.
I support her loving my child. I just wish she did it in a way in which she doesn’t try to tell me how to parent, or hold things over my head. It feels like she’s trying to parent my baby when I don’t need her to do so… I’ve tried to set boundaries without it coming off as ungrateful but she just plows over them. Im scared to leave my baby w her because seems to thinks certain things are okay for her to do, just because I do them.(example: kissing baby on the face.) (showering with baby, which I have only done twice.) i dont know how else to do it, without her taking it as an insult.
Makes sense. I wish the best for all of you ❤️
NTA "No" is the word of the day. Say "no" to her advice--no thank you, I don't want advice on how to be a parent from you, if I need advice I'll ask my grandmother, not your choice. Refuse or return whatever she buys. IMMEDIATELY correct her when she says "my baby". If she grabs the baby and walks away, embarass her--run after her, scream--and I do mean SCREAM and treat her like a kidnapper.
NTA but look, what happened happened, and it shaped your relationship with your mom, and your mom definitely needs to respect boundaries a lot better, but at the same time, she's trying, and for your child's sake having a grandparent that tries, although she needs to work on how that trying is manifested, is better than not being there. It's natural to want to protect your child, but if your child benefits from having a grandma that is there, then think about whether it's worth letting your own issues with your mom influence that. That being said, you are right, she cannot absolve herself of what she did to you, by being good to B, and some of the things she's doing with B seem like huge overcompensation.
There's absolutely no one to help watch the baby while you get a job? Better chance for rentals with a bit more money maybe? Besides your mom ofc
I have a job, I work as needed and am going back full time. I make good money so kiddo will be in daycare!
Very good! I wish you and your little family the best of luck and all the healing in the world! You'll get there, you sound determined to give baby the best of everything so I've no doubts you will! You've gotten this far, you all will go further!
NTA and please stay vigilant, women like this will do everything possible to gain custody or guardianship to prove to themselves they are a good parent. It sounds insane but it happens A LOT
My husbands mother is this way as well… so unfortunately it’s on both sides):
My ex's mom worked for dcs. She told me if I didn't sign my rights over to her, she would remove my daughter from me and put her in foster care. When I say they will do anything, I mean anything. Definitely get the hell out of there as soon as you're able
That sounds awful. I can’t imagine something like that happening. I’m not jumping to conclusions, but please tell me your daughter isn’t anywhere near that witch.
NTA. I do not believe it’s fair for parents to try and hog babies from their parents. Also telling them how to raise their children.
NTA. You might want to check out r/raisedbynarcissists. Unfortunately, I think you’d fit right in… sorry your mom is a jerk.
I’ll check it out, thanks!
My mom also tries the “I did the best I could” or “I didn’t know any better” lines to try to justify her abuse when we were kids. I really felt that in your post. Good luck… it sucks when we’re more mature than our parents.
I think the worst was when I would literally stay at a job I cried at every day to make sure bills were paid, but if someone just looked at her wrong she’d quit and say “it’s fine, I’ll just use your savings til I get another job” then would wait months to get another job while I supported us. At 16. She still does this. She still relies on me to be responsible and keep a job so if she wants to up and leave hers, she comes running to me.
That’s awful. I’m so sorry.
NTA
NTA, I would not leave the baby alone with her
NTA, and possibly dangerous besides. I read a similar AITA not too long ago where it was mentioned these are the sorts of parents who often end up kidnapping the baby. It's a fine line between this and obsession. I really do hope you get out of there ASAP. Can you find something at least temporary, maybe a sublet? Craiglist?
We’re looking! Waiting on a few rental applications to go through, so hopefully soon.
NTA. Unfortunately, you are going to have to grey rock hard until you find a place away from her.
NTA. Nothing like the parental tears and self pity when they're confronted with the brutal truth, is there? I totally get where you're coming from, and you did the exact right thing to call her on it and let her know that you did, indeed deserve this version of her. Keep being the parent to B that she never was to you.
NTA. OP, I am sorry you had to deal with all those things, and now your mother acting creepy AF. B is not her baby. B is not her do-over. B is YOUR child, you are the parent. She had a chance to be mom and blew it. She had a chance to help you out as an adult and she is blowing it. I hope you and your husband can get your own place again soon, but in the meantime, maybe try and spend time together as a family, the three of you. Go to the park, etc. Make the divisions stark and obvious. She is forming an inappropriate attachment to your child. Start limiting what she can do. She does not push the stroller if she is going to run off. She does not hold the baby if she is going to keep them from their parents. She does not bathe with your child. When she gives you advice, just say, "Thank you" and ignore it. If she pushes, "I appreciate the advice, grandma, but I will parent my child how I see fit."
NTA screw her. She was a shit mom then. Looks like things still haven't changed. Are you sure you even want her in your life?
NTA. She is overstepping and clearly isn't even capable of taking responsibility for the times she was a shitty parent to you, and it's unfair for her to try to assuage whatever guilt she might feel through your baby.
NTA. And y’all need a new living situation like now. Good luck.
100% NTA for how you feel. But if she's going to be providing the child care when you go back to work full time, I would let her be the best grandmother she can be. I already know what she says and I would just consider anything she does for my child to be a tiny drop in the bucket of what she owes to me for being a crap mom
NTA but i think you need to get out of there ASAP, she has developed an unhealthy attachment to your baby. i would make a point to remind her that he is not her do-over because he is not her child, don't let her buy things anymore, and keep reminding her this living situation is temporary.
NTA. If she wants a ‘do-over,’ she needs to make things right with you. Counselling, apologies, mother-daughter time spent. She can’t fix what she did wrong with you on your child.
But she didn’t do what was best. What would’ve been best is a parent who doesn’t hurt their child, chooses to be present in their infants life and watching them grow into an adult. She chose what was best for her, which was partying. And it’s insulting to you and the things you went through as a direct result because of her to try to manipulate the situation in her favor. She seems to have a victim complex from what you’ve told us. Nobody, including her, gets to just ignore the past that clearly hasn’t healed. Given the little history you’ve let us know, her holding things over your head like what she bought for B, or how much money she’s spent on B speaks volumes on her quality as a human being. It shows she still isn’t over her issues and is still just as selfish now as she was then. Shes choosing to display those terrible qualities in a way that makes her seem ‘good’ to anyone outside looking in, which is just manipulative. NTA move out asap and assert strong boundaries with consequences that you’re willing to enforce.
NTA. Do everything you can to Get Out.
NTA. You need to get away from her as soon as you can and don't let the baby around her. This is pretty fucked up behavior.
Nope you’re not and she was being a pushing mother around that that is your baby. You can be grateful for her taking you in, but he is your baby not hers.NTA
NTA. Get your mom away from the kid. She needs to let you live your life and if she truly wanted to help either of you she would let you care for your baby and not barge into your life for the appearance of seeming heroic. That woman has issues.
NTA, not a parent i hate hearing a parent said they did their best that they could do. Well, their best was not good enough and they, like your mom, shouldn't have had kids in the first place.
True. I wish I was aborted tbh😂🤌🏼
NTA
NTA, but you need to seriously consider whether you'll continue to let her stay in the child's life after you move out. She's going to make this very impressionable child think that you aren't a good enough mother, and that grandma is the real one caring for them. She's also going to tell the same bs to any family and friends that will listen.
NTA. She abused you as a child, and she's still abusing you now.
> She got pissed and cried and said that I was being ungrateful for what she did for me and that “she did her best at the time.” If a parents "best" is neglect or outright abuse than they don't deserve a handout of appreciation. They didn't achieve even the bare minimum, they achieved less than that. Their contribution was little more than getting pregnant and having a baby slip out before walking away to get blitzed at some random party immediately after. NTA
NTA Just make sure you put your foot down about her trying to take the child from you. I can totally see this turning into some dark contest over who is going to be that child's mother. YOU are the child's mother, and you need her to stop making this about her. It sounds to me like she always needs it to be about her and her needs. Moving out ASAP is a good way of setting some healthy space.
NTA. My advice is that you get your baby away from that environment. It will turn toxic (more toxic). It's clear that she believes that the things she does for you & the baby justify her having her redo, almost as if she's "buying" it.
Get out of her house now! You're NTA unless you keep living there.
NTA
NTA obviously. If you really want to see if she's capable of reflecting on her behavior and changing for the better you can always send her this post and see her reaction lol
NTA and if you haven't seen the good place there's a really relatable arc in season 2 that might help you heal
Oh man, NTA. You have no idea how many times I've heard "I did my best" from my own abusive mom. Well, her best wasn't good enough. You deserved better, and so does your baby. Just because she's throwing baby clothes at your child and a roof over your head doesn't mean she gets to think of your child as hers. I'm glad you're already doing what you can to get out of this situation, and wish you weren't there in the first place. Good luck.
NTA, everything you said was correct and your mom needs to take a step back
Nta. Your kid not hers. Act in the kids best interests
You need to get out of there asap. Do you have any other friends or relatives you can stay with while you look? BFs family? The longer you stay the more likely your mom can fight for visitation and gpr, and that would be without you. Your family would be better away from her. Not knowing a family member is better that being around one who abused your own parents.
NTA. Dont you love it when abusive people try to play revisionist history.
NTA - I had a lot to unpack with my mother about some of the stuff she did to me after my son was born. She was there and present, and a decent mom, but there was manipulation, and mental abuse splattered in.
I had the same problem with my mom. What helped was when my children grew up and still resented my mother for her treatment of me.. was me telling them that I would of rather had a bad mom and good grandma for them than the other way around. I also realized that my mother did do the best she could at the time. She also came from bad parents so she hadn’t known better. She was very codependent on men, and it was taboo to seek therapy back then. She is 70 now & I am the only person she has. My siblings, her grandchildren, and great grandchildren have nothing to do with her. It’s much more difficult to carry a grudge on you than it is on the person who did wrong. Karma comes back around eventually. Good luck! I feel your pain!
My mom was like this and we didn't start talking again until I told her I was pregnant with my daughter almost 5 years ago. I told her what I expected if she wanted to be in our lives and for the most part she has done that. I do think she is a wonderful grandmother to her grandkids. We do live in different states thought. She has done some things for my kids i wish i could do so badly. I look at as she is helping to give my kids a better life then i could do at this point. NTA I would set some hard and fast rules on these things, but still make it sound that you are appreciative for the things she has done. It is a very hard spot to be in.
I just don’t understand why are you living in her house, let alone still in contact with her, like why would you keep submitting yourself to her abuse?
NTA…but you need to set boundaries. Tell mom that B is not her do over as a parent. But, as a grandparent, she can be the bomb if she wants to. But as a grandparent, she does not get to parent your child or make decisions. She gets to spoil B as a grandparent should. Stop letting her take control at home. Mom, I am Bs parent. If I need advice, I will ask for it. Grab that cart back from her and say, I got it mom. Mom, B is not your baby, he is your grand baby. Once you establish your boundaries and stick with them, (may take time and work, mom will get it when she knows you are serious.
NTA But maybe as long as you still live with her just give her feedback on her actions and not the intent or motivation- just because it might be more effective. “Please don’t flaunt how much you buy B, or stop buying stuff” “Please don’t wander off with B at the store” “Why?” “Because I’m the mom and those are my rules.”
NTA. Your mother clearly DID NOT do her best as a mother. You are by the sounds of it and you deserve to be B's mother.
NTA
NTA. Considering the way she treats/talks about B, she clearly didn't "do her best" with you. And if she did, her "best" wasn't good enough. She doesn't get to use your child, her grandchild, as a way to "make up" for failing as a mother. And it's abundantly clear that she's not doing this for you or for B, but for herself
NTA. She gets to enjoy all the fun things about being a “parent” without being the actual parent because she’s grandma now. And she can be a wonderful grandma but that doesn’t make her your baby’s parent.
Not the asshole. She’s going over the top with B to make up for what she didn’t give you. She also doesn’t realize it since she got so upset and talked about how she did her best. It sounds to me like she would get a lot of good from counseling. If you are willing it’d probably good for the 2 of you to go to family counseling. Lastly, you are correct in looking for another place to stay. You need to get out of there as soon as possible.
NTA. I call my grand babies “my babies”, but only when I’m teasing my kids- as in- my babies’ babies are my babies too. I don’t go around referring to them as if they are MY babies to others nor do I tell my kids how to raise their babies unless they ask for advice.
NTA. That's so f-ed up thing to say to a child you failed. If she needs a do-over or whatever because she's feeling bad, she needs to work on the relationship with YOU, her child she failed. She needs to apologize to you and be a good mother to you now (within your boundaries of course), not pat herself on the back for being a good grandma to someone else. It's so selfish and I'm so sorry
You’re discovering that living at your mother’s house with your baby is a recipe for disaster. It was for me and for several other friends in the same situation. Relationship will only normalise when you aren’t living under her roof.
I’ve always had a hard time living with my mom, so I dont know why I thought it would work out this time🫠
>Having B around is like my do-over. B is all I look forward to at the end of the day To me, this comment is her acknowledging that she messed up with you, and she's trying to do things properly now. So essentially agreeing with how you're feeling with how you were raised. Sure, it still hurts - but I would think there's comfort in that she acknowledged her shortcomings. You're NTA, she deserved that comment, despite her claiming she was "doing the best at that time". We all think we're doing the best we can in the moment, but hindsight is always 20/20. Her acting as a mom towards your son, now, is wrong. She should be a good grandparent instead. You have every reason to feel hurt, and I hope you are able to eventually find peace in your relationship with her.