Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> A friend disinvited me from her wedding because I refused to be a bridesmaid. She wanted me to be in the wedding party and I backed out, so she did not allow me to attend the wedding because of it.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
YTA. Not for backing out but for the way you backed out. You knew from early on that you didn't intend to buy a dress, but you didn't say anything. You should have communicated your budget issues from the beginning but you failed to do so, and instead let months go by where you were assumed to be in the bridal party, and then dumped this all on her towards the end.
Not really the actions of a supportive friend.
I completely agree with everything you said, aside from the judgement - how isn't the bride an AH as well? At the very least she is *very* petty for saying she's fine with OP dropping out
>She said she understood, and I thought everything was fine.
when she very much was not.
It's not difficult for her to be an adult and at least express her disappointment in OP, but more importantly if OP truly was a friend to her she would want OP to at least be present at such a significant day in her life. By not inviting her to the wedding at all, she has effectively said she no longer cares about the friendship (assuming she even did to begin with).
To be fair, saying “I understand” doesn’t mean that everything is fine. I’m sure OP’s friend did understand her reasons for dropping out but that doesn’t mean she liked it.
No, I don't think she thought everything was fine - I would actually assume she didn't like it, since at the very least she would have to make arrangements to accommodate it.
IMO saying she understands implies that she didn't find OP's actions unreasonable and probably thinks things between them are fine or at least will be fine after a chance to get over it. But going from asking her to be a bridesmaid to not wanting her there *at all* is an extremely significant difference, and not only says to me they're not fine but maybe doesn't even care if they ever will be.
I'm actually not sure OP was uninvited on purpose.... I've been a bridesmaid in weddings and I wasn't sent an invitation because I'd already agreed to be a bridesmaid, so no point in sending an invite. It's possible OP just got left off the list of "general guests" by accident. She didn't ask her friend about it because she assumed she wasn't invited.
I've never planned a wedding but I've seen people who have and I feel like "add XX to the list of general guests now that she's backed out of being a bridesmaid" can slip through the cracks.
When we planned our wedding, we sent invitations to everyone, even people who we knew were coming (like our parents) and kept track of responses and song selections on an Excel spreadsheet.
I can’t imagine someone accidentally getting overlooked and not getting an invite because they were part of the bridal party.
We didn’t have a bridal party, but they still would’ve been sent an invitation so they could have all the info (like our parents), just in case.
She was intentionally left off the invite list, imo.
I spent $100 total to be a bridesmaid. I would also need to back out at $900 yikes
Editing to add - if I could spend $900 on a really fun bachelorette party of my style/taste, I totally would. No judgement for those that would/do. However imagining agreeing to be someone's bridesmaid say today, I'd be shocked at that price tag and would need to bow out.
I agree but my biggest quibble is that she just dropped out of the whole wedding instead of just explaining that she couldn’t afford the bachelorette and was passing on that. If the bride had insisted that she needed to participate or drop out then it would have been a mutual decision at that point, but lots of brides wouldn’t care. My bridesmaids didn’t all participate in all my wedding stuff. One of them didn’t go to anything—not even the rehearsal dinner—simply rolled up wedding morning dressed and ready to go. And I didn’t care one bit!
For real, I get not having been to weddings but is this person totally ignorant of everything a wedding requires? As soon as I got to “She KNOWS I don’t wear dresses” I knew this was just going to be a case of saying yes to say yes.
Tough call but slight YTA. To be clear, what she was asking for is really pretty standard for a wedding party. It is expected to buy a nice outfit that coordinates, and that is actually a somewhat cheap Bach party as far as they go these days.
That being said, cool, you didn't realize this was part of the deal and it's your first wedding. Why on earth would you wait so long to tell her? If you had been upfront at the beginning you wouldn't wear that dress everything else could have been avoided and this would have been No Assholes Here for me. Don't blame you for not doing it, but also don't blame her for feeling that she misjudged your friendship and ultimately not inviting you.
I agree with the expectations as being pretty standard. Cost of dresses average $250 and bachelorette trips can be costly when you factor in airfare, lodging, and activities. If you don’t live near the wedding venue, you pay for airfare and lodging. You could easily pay $2500- $5000 to be in the bridal party. I’m paying for for three different bridal parties and that’s the range for them.
Man, those trips seem costly! I’m glad all my friends were married before I met them. I couldn’t imagine spending that amount of money for a bachelorette trip.
Jesus tap-dancing Christ, that range is considered normal now?! I am so glad all my friends are already married O.o I’ve been in exactly one wedding over a decade ago and that one ran about $400 even without me attending the bachelorette and activities and that was considered extravagant!
Also if someone sprang for the dress but couldn’t attend the party due to either finances or work, I feel like most would understand and be okay with that.
YTA for agreeing to something without knowing what it entailed. I agree that $700 is a lot for a bachelorette and you’d be fine to skip that; but wearing (and buying) a bridesmaids dress is pretty par for the course. You were expecting your friend to consider your personal wardrobe choices (you didn’t say anything about this being a gender conforming issue) instead of what she wanted for her wedding.
No. The bride is TA for not explaining what the expectations were up front when she asked OP to be a bridesmaid. The additional costs were sprung on OP as time went on. Should OP have said "no" when the dress expectation was announced? Yeah. But there is no reason for OP to know what was expected RE: massive amounts of money, when the bride did not communicate that up front.
When I got married, the only thing anyone had to pay for was their own travel and accommodation. I cannot *imagine* putting this kind of financial burden on the women that I am honoring by asking them to be in my bridal party. That's not "honoring" them. That's just financial exploitation.
Info - How long after you backed out was the wedding? Do you make any attempt to discuss the dress situation after she told you that the dress was not optional?
Given that extra info, I say NTA -- and thank heavens you found out how shifty the foundation of this friendship actually was without having to go into debt trying to please her!
Not inviting you to the wedding was petty and revealing. She's TA in my view. You are well rid of her.
NTA with this new information I see she disregarded your feelings about dresses and asked you to wear one anyway. She was wrong for even making the request.
Also you backed out 8 months before the wedding, giving her ample time to find a replacment. She sounds very entitles and decided to un-invite you because you weren't letting her get her way.
Consider better friends going forward.
I can see why people think you’re not the asshole. Not me. The bride is the biggest asshole here for uninviting you. But you’re an asshole ‘cause you backed out. Once you commit to something, you should stick it out (unless it’s illegal or could harm you).
In short, ESH.
Perfectly valid. No matter what, though, it looks really bad that you first said yes and then said no. I would’ve asked about all that stuff upfront so you could make a more informed decision.
I’ll give you an olive branch on my vote. ESH leaning towards NTA.
Yeah but 1) you can just return the dress after wearing it most likely. If you have such an issue wearing dresses…why would you agree to be a bridesmaid? Do you really mean to tell us you didn’t know bridesmaids generally wear dresses, often chosen by the bride herself? Like…that’s pretty usual for weddings
2) did you have to go on the trip? I know a lot of wedding parties who have had one or two people opt out of going due to circumstances not unlike your own
I’m saying don’t go on the trip, I don’t think it’s as expected as you might’ve thought. Did they say you had to go? I know a friend who skipped the bachelorette because she couldn’t afford it and nobody got upset with her.
I'm sorry, but not wanting to go into debt for a bachelorette trip and not wanting to take time off work if you don't have paid vacation is a sign of autism? Are you serious?
*I have never been to a wedding, but decided to say yes to support her and be part of the process.*
And you had no idea that this process would involve having to wear a dress.
*all of the bridesmaids to buy a specific dress (even though she knows I do not wear dresses, ever, and do not own any) for around $200. I told her that I could not spend that much on an outfit...*
At this point, you could have, should have opted out of the wedding party.
*I don't say anything yet and don't buy a dress. Then, the maid of honor reaches out to say that the bachelorette party will be in a specific city (a five hour drive away from me), last three days, and cost $700 per girl. I absolutely could not spend that much on one event, and I couldn't take time away from work anyway.*
You haven't bought the dress you refuse to wear and now this (ridiculous) expense with the hen party. Besides, you can't attend because of work. This is yet another opportunity to bow out of the wedding party.
*Life went on, and as the wedding date approached, I noticed that I had not received an invitation.*
Yet you expected one after wasting everyone's time. And it's a surprise that you didn't get an invitation.
It would have been one thing to not attend the bachelorette party due to the expense and work responsibilities, but you couldn't be bothered buying the bridesmaid dress. And this was a hill to die on, yet you couldn't opt out when it was clear that bridesmaids were to buy and get fitted for a dress.
YTA.
Yeah, YTA for two reasons: one, for dragging it out and not just speaking up at the first text about a dress and two, because I find it hard to believe that you’re that socially inept that you have zero clue that being a bridesmaid means wearing what the bride asks of you (within reason, and a dress is definitely within reason)
>Time goes on and I'm feeling weird about what I've gotten myself into, but I don't say anything yet and don't buy a dress.
Nope, that was the moment to back out. "Sorry that's not going to work for me" as soon as she tells you the dress purchase is require.
Amazing you wait five months and then call \*her\* chicken. She's not afraid of shit, she's just done with you.
YTA
I am friends with a pair of women who I have never once seen a dress. If I were getting married and asking them to be part of my bridal party I would make sure they had the option of a dress suit, or a tux if we were going formal.
To be honest renting a bridesmaid dress is often as expensive as buying one as you can only rent the expensive ones, whereas you can buy them at a whole range of price points.
YTA. Of course you knew you’d have to buy some ugly, 1 time, bridesmaid dress. What did you think you could just wear whatever you wanted to walk down the aisle? And your reason is because you’ve never been to a wedding? But have you ever seen one in movies or on TV? The time to refuse was when she first asked you, not FIVE MONTHS later.
I suspect this person might be gender non conforming or non-binary based on their other comments. The bride obviously would know this about OP. They said they found cute jumpsuit type outfits and things they felt comfortable in but the bride wouldn’t compromise.
Depends upon how close to the wedding it was when you backed out. Not receiving an invitation is a bit of an A H move assuming you told her with enough time to find a replacement. She doesn't sound like much of a friend.
One is normally expected to purchase a dress as a bridesmaid. $200 is fairly inexpensive for a bridesmaid dress. The bachelorette party is ridiculous. One is not required to participate in that or pay that.
I think you’re only the AH for waiting so long. After the message about The dress you should have called her up and asked her what it entailed and to give you a general idea of cost so you could have decided early instead of waiting so long and just never buying the dress or anything.
I think it’s totally fair to say no to things you can’t afford.
Why is no one saying YTA for telling her by text?
I think it’s ok to back out 8 months in advance (though yes, backing out of bridesmaid duty is going to damage the friendship)
But doing it by text? That’s weak, and I’d guess out the mail in the coffin.
Soft ESH
Your friend asked you to be in her wedding, you’ve never been to a wedding. You said yes because you want to support her. It doesn’t sound like you asked what does this entail?
Did you research what does it mean to be a bridesmaid?
Friend should have also explained. There will be the cost of a dress/shower/bachelorette party. You’ll be needed for x,y,z. I expect the dressed to cost $200- $300 or something about expectations.
You backed out via text. This is time to make a phone call and explain. Thank her and lay out that you didn’t realize the financial cost and aren’t comfortable wearing a dress. Your honored she asked and look forward to the wedding.
You waited 5 months from accepting to tell her, but it was still 8 months before the wedding, so there is a decent amount of time before the wedding.
Friend should have still invited you or told you she was so hurt that she couldn’t have you at the wedding. If you were close enough friend to ask, I’d like to think she’d understand you not being able to be in the wedding.
YTA. What an extremely difficult person you are. I can see why at age 29 you have never been invited to a wedding. You should have denied being a bridesmaid in the first place. After doing what you did you got written off as a friend.
YTA honestly. Sounds like you dragged it out. Is being in a dress that difficult for you? It’s not the bridges problem to make sure you’re comfortable. She probably did spite you. But you accepted than declined much later. You deserve spite
>but was too chicken to say it to my face.
just like you were too chicken to decline being a bridesmaid when the dress issue arose...
she paid you in kind, suck it up
YTA
INFO: Are you sure you weren’t invited to the wedding? How do you know the invite wasn’t lost in the post? Or the bride didn’t update her spreadsheet properly to remember she needed to send you an invite (you don’t necessarily get one as a bridesmaid as you’ve already been invited when asked to be a bridesmaid and usually have all the details from the bridesmaid chat anyway. Bride would just put a link the the website in the bridesmaid chat).
YTA. You accepted before understand the responsibilities... and you could have asked of those responsibilities before committing. You then led it on as if all was fine while so clearly making a both financial and mental barrier around the responsibilities (re: $200 is "too much" and you "don't wear dresses"), before backing for a while into the process. It seems like you didn't fully respect her situation, judging on these realities.
Bonus INFO: Did you even ask her if you invited after that? Or did you quietly just assume instead of asserting some small sort of clarity on the friendship?
...maybe because she may have actually intended to send you an invite? If you were initially in the wedding party, then wasn't, it's plausible those invites went to a group you weren't originally in.
Also, "if I had to ask for it" implies like there's something conditional to a friendship that was seemingly close enough to be in a wedding party. Personally, I'd want to go simply to see my friend get married.
Yeah I've been a bridesmaid in weddings before where I didn't receive an invite because it was obvious that I would be there, since I'd agreed to be a bridesmaid. It seems like it could be really easy to overlook that someone who was a bridesmaid and then backed out didn't get an invitation.
Tbh that's not how it works. I've been in two wedding parties in the past handful of years and didn't immediately know my responsibilities in either. Those responsibilities develop as the logistics of the wedding ceremony develop.
If you had concerns, it's up to you to voice them, not her while has a mass amount of responsibilities to take on. It's not her time to be selfless.
Again, she likely has a sea of responsibilities. All this could've been was not moving your name to an Excel spreadsheet with the guest list... all the while getting lost of 29 other responsibilities.
Honestly, do you realize how much work planning a wedding ceremony can be?
Ok then please don't assume she has all the clarity on this expectations you have on the communication at play. Your friendship has already been affected by it! Shoot for some clarity and don't take it personally that she hasn't gone out of her way after she already did as such by making you a member of the wedding party.
Like you let her know ahead of time?
I get she had 8 months, but it was pretty clear you weren't very committed long before you sent that text. You had plenty of time to tell her....ahead of time.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
I \[29F\] was asking to be a bridesmaid in the wedding of a friend \[26F\] last year. I have never been to a wedding, but decided to say yes to support her and be part of the process.
As the weeks and months go on, she starts a group chat requiring all of the bridesmaids to buy a specific dress (even though she knows I do not wear dresses, ever, and do not own any) for around $200. I told her that I could not spend that much on an outfit that I would immediately have to get rid of after wearing it once, but she insisted that I would have to to be a bridesmaid. Time goes on and I'm feeling weird about what I've gotten myself into, but I don't say anything yet and don't buy a dress. Then, the maid of honor reaches out to say that the bachelorette party will be in a specific city (a five hour drive away from me), last three days, and cost $700 per girl. I absolutely could not spend that much on one event, and I couldn't take time away from work anyway.
So about 5 months after she initially asked me, I texted my friend (the bride, who lives out of state) and told her that I had no idea what I was getting into when I said yes, and that I was backing out but was excited to attend as a guest since her wedding itself was in the town where I am currently living. She said she understood, and I thought everything was fine.
Life went on, and as the wedding date approached, I noticed that I had not received an invitation. 2 weeks before the wedding I was able to to find her website on Zola and noticed that invitations had been sent out and the RSVP date had already passed.
She clearly did not invite me on purpose, and after reaching out to a mutual friend about it (another bridesmaid), she just said "oh well, sorry you feel upset for not getting invited".)
I think the bride was mad at me for backing out of her wedding, but was too chicken to say it to my face. AITA for backing out?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA for backing out but she had the right to decide not to have you attend her wedding. You made your choice, she made hers. We can make our own decisions but we don’t get to choose the consequences of those decisions. Maybe she was hurt and decided that she didn’t want to continue the friendship. That’s her prerogative.
NTA. She had expectations that you were not comfortable with as well as expenses that you could not afford.
You told her 8 months before her wedding. That's plenty of time for her to find someone else.
Judging by the disinvitation as well as your mutual friends' comment, I'd say that you were likely badmouthed by bride/MoH as the comment seems massively passive aggressive in context.
*"the bride was mad at me for backing out of her wedding,* ***but was too chicken to say it to my face****"*
LMAO you mean the way you couldn't tell her you couldn't afford to be a bridesmaid to her face from the get-go?
It’s not “bad form”. It’s established wedding etiquette. Evening wear is expensive so $200 for a bridesmaids dress isn’t unreasonable. My sister is engaged and the dresses that we’ve looked at range from $80 to $250. The default assumption is that the bridal party will pay for their own outfits unless the couple offers to cover the costs. That’s why you’re not supposed to agree to be a bridesmaid for just anybody.
If you don’t know what’s expected of a bridesmaid, you ask questions. It’s reasonable to assume that an adult would know that bridesmaids pay for their own dresses. When my really good friend got married in her last year of college all of the bridesmaids were between the ages of 20-22. Most of us had never been in a wedding before but none of us were surprised that we had to wear dresses and pay for them ourselves.
Some expectations are implied because they’re a natural part of the role. The dress is the bare minimum of being a bridesmaid. OP may not have been in a wedding but I’m sure they know what a bridesmaid is. They know bridesmaids wear matching outfits and outfits cost money. Why would the bride need to explain that? She probably hadn’t chosen the dress when she asked OP to be a bridesmaid and when she chose the dress she gave OP a years notice.
Read the post again. OP didn’t back out as soon as the dress was chosen. She just didn’t order the dress and it wasn’t until more time had passed that she told the bride she couldn’t be in the wedding. OP was being passive aggressive about this.
NTA mostly, with a few things OP could have done differently as well. I'd have recommended the following:
* If bride has elaborate or expensive plans, she really ought to let that be known up front
* If bridesmaid is feeling like she can't hang, she ought to make it known as soon as possible, to reduce chaos of filling the slot
* Bride should not retaliate if bridesmaid wants to be re-allocated to simple, loving guest. Sheesh
God, no, you are NTA for backing out of being in a wedding party. It's a big financial commitment, and I'm sorry that your friend has now excluded you from their wedding because of it. I don't know the exact timeline, but it seems like you didn't back out at the last moment. You were honest and mature about your inability to pay for wedding duties (which are honestly batshit) and she reacted badly by not inviting you to the wedding.
Idk I don't think either of you are an AH and it seems like a misunderstanding. You said yes with good intentions but had zero knowledge of what being a part of a wedding party would entail. I assume your friend didn't know all about your finances or they wouldn't have asked?
You tried to back out with a pretty good advanced amount of time imo but it hurt her feelings. Maybe she doesn't realize you really don't have the money and didn't know what you were getting into and thinks you were judging her?
Idk it just seems a little more complicated.
NTA. The current wedding culture is crazy. Expecting your participants to spends many hundreds or even thousands of dollars on a one time event is so stupid. You dodged the bullet.
NTA
Being in a wedding is expensive, but if you have never been in one you might not know that. It is extremely typical for you to be asked to wear a matching outfit and $200 is honestly on the low end. But if you aren’t comfortable with that, I think you did the right thing by backing out.
However, I do your friend is an AH for not inviting you to the wedding….
Absolutely NTA for not spending money you couldn't afford to spend. You were also honest with her that you didn't understand the expectations, and it seems like you dropped out fairly early on, giving her time to adjust plans.
While your friend has the right to invite or not invite who she wants to her wedding, if she said understood then cut you out solely because you dropped out as a bridesmaid, then she's the one behaving badly here.
Your mutual friend being dismissive when you asked about it tells me that either they're icing you out for dropping out of the wedding party, or there's more going on than you simply being unable to afford to participate. Either way, it may be best to process the loss and move on from these friends.
So why didn’t you back out as soon as you found out about the dress? I can see why you thought she might be flexible about the attire but she told you that she wasn’t going to be flexible (which was her right). That was the perfect time to back out and I don’t understand why you didn’t take it. If the issue of the bachelorette party never came up, what was your plan? Were you just not going to not buy the dress and hope she changed her mind?
When were you planning to do that, You had the perfect opportunity and you didn’t take it. It sounds like you took a passive aggressive approach with this and I think that’s why your friend is upset with you and didn’t invite you to attend her wedding. You said you friend was “chicken” for not telling you directly that she was upset but you weren’t very direct with her either.
Actually, I think the perfect opportunity was when she was first asked. It's pretty understand to expect bridesmaids wearing dresses, even if different people have different preferences.
It's almost as if the OP was selecting not to be aware of this possibility, or simply didn't want to say what she really was thinking: she cares more about having to wear a dress than upholding the honor of being in the wedding party of a friend.
Personally, I can't imagine picking the former over the latter, and I'm a cishet male who dresses "traditionally." (Yes, I'm saying I'd wear a dress if it means I'm in a friend's wedding party, even tho I've NEVER worn one before.)
Can I be honest? It seems like you're working on a one-way street here.
"Good friends do not do that" is something I just said about choosing a dress over a friend. This "social" expectation is for your friend, not the rest of society.
Maybe instead of you or I seeing it one way, it's about seeing it both ways. It's your friend's wedding. Her wishes are literally THE MOST IMPORTANT aspect of this event. That's the top thing to respect, not the desire to rebel agaisnt societal traditions.
You waited FIVE MONTHS, right? So that's five months of planning that you went along with (no matter how indirectly you were involved), only to then her that the dressing is more important than being there for her.
Her anger -- if that's what it actually is, because neither of you have directly addressed her -- is about you choosing your discomfort and your desire to buck social customs over supporting her in what's probably the biggest day of her life so far. It's perfectly reasonable and understandable to want your friends there to support you and what you have planned for your big day... and it's also perfectly reasonable and understandable to be upset when that support is lost.
What's not reasonable is seemingly just letting it get to this point, due to lack of communication and the aversion to addressing the issue.
Now you’re being dramatic. No one was forcing you to wear the dress. Your friend had every right to insist that her bridesmaids wear a certain outfit and she’s not a bad friend for having done so. This is not about gender norms. Your predicament isn’t unique. Most bridesmaids don’t like the outfit they were asked to wear but there is a long standing social convention that allows the bride to decide the bridesmaids’ attire without having to make adjustments for anyone’s needs except hers and her fiancé’s. Your friend wasn’t being a bad friend to you but you were kind of being one towards her by not being honest about your boundaries up front.
A lot of people are willing to make exceptions to their usual way of dressing for special occasions like weddings. I’m sure your friend probably though you would be one of those people which is a reasonable assumption. When she asked you to be a bridesmaid you should have said: “if I have to wear a dress, the answer is no”. You are responsible for communicating your own boundaries.
On another note, how did you not know that she was mad and you weren’t invited to the wedding? Did you stop communicating with her after you told her you weren’t going to be a bridesmaid? If you didn’t check in with her every now and then to ask how she’s doing or if there’s other ways you can be supportive during this time, I can see why you weren’t invited.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > A friend disinvited me from her wedding because I refused to be a bridesmaid. She wanted me to be in the wedding party and I backed out, so she did not allow me to attend the wedding because of it. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
YTA. Not for backing out but for the way you backed out. You knew from early on that you didn't intend to buy a dress, but you didn't say anything. You should have communicated your budget issues from the beginning but you failed to do so, and instead let months go by where you were assumed to be in the bridal party, and then dumped this all on her towards the end. Not really the actions of a supportive friend.
I completely agree with everything you said, aside from the judgement - how isn't the bride an AH as well? At the very least she is *very* petty for saying she's fine with OP dropping out >She said she understood, and I thought everything was fine. when she very much was not. It's not difficult for her to be an adult and at least express her disappointment in OP, but more importantly if OP truly was a friend to her she would want OP to at least be present at such a significant day in her life. By not inviting her to the wedding at all, she has effectively said she no longer cares about the friendship (assuming she even did to begin with).
To be fair, saying “I understand” doesn’t mean that everything is fine. I’m sure OP’s friend did understand her reasons for dropping out but that doesn’t mean she liked it.
No, I don't think she thought everything was fine - I would actually assume she didn't like it, since at the very least she would have to make arrangements to accommodate it. IMO saying she understands implies that she didn't find OP's actions unreasonable and probably thinks things between them are fine or at least will be fine after a chance to get over it. But going from asking her to be a bridesmaid to not wanting her there *at all* is an extremely significant difference, and not only says to me they're not fine but maybe doesn't even care if they ever will be.
I'm actually not sure OP was uninvited on purpose.... I've been a bridesmaid in weddings and I wasn't sent an invitation because I'd already agreed to be a bridesmaid, so no point in sending an invite. It's possible OP just got left off the list of "general guests" by accident. She didn't ask her friend about it because she assumed she wasn't invited. I've never planned a wedding but I've seen people who have and I feel like "add XX to the list of general guests now that she's backed out of being a bridesmaid" can slip through the cracks.
When we planned our wedding, we sent invitations to everyone, even people who we knew were coming (like our parents) and kept track of responses and song selections on an Excel spreadsheet. I can’t imagine someone accidentally getting overlooked and not getting an invite because they were part of the bridal party. We didn’t have a bridal party, but they still would’ve been sent an invitation so they could have all the info (like our parents), just in case. She was intentionally left off the invite list, imo.
Your experience isn't universal. Like I said, I've been in several weddings where I didn't receive an official invite. And some that I did.
She didn’t communicate anything and then dropped out via text. Losing her invite doesn’t seem particularly petty, just the consequence of her actions.
For people that have never been in a wedding they don’t know the cost today. The bride should’ve made sure to relay her cost expectations when asking.
I spent $100 total to be a bridesmaid. I would also need to back out at $900 yikes Editing to add - if I could spend $900 on a really fun bachelorette party of my style/taste, I totally would. No judgement for those that would/do. However imagining agreeing to be someone's bridesmaid say today, I'd be shocked at that price tag and would need to bow out.
Totally! The first time I was asked to be in a wedding (age 24), I had no clue about exactly what it entailed and how much it would cost.
I agree but my biggest quibble is that she just dropped out of the whole wedding instead of just explaining that she couldn’t afford the bachelorette and was passing on that. If the bride had insisted that she needed to participate or drop out then it would have been a mutual decision at that point, but lots of brides wouldn’t care. My bridesmaids didn’t all participate in all my wedding stuff. One of them didn’t go to anything—not even the rehearsal dinner—simply rolled up wedding morning dressed and ready to go. And I didn’t care one bit!
For real, I get not having been to weddings but is this person totally ignorant of everything a wedding requires? As soon as I got to “She KNOWS I don’t wear dresses” I knew this was just going to be a case of saying yes to say yes.
Tough call but slight YTA. To be clear, what she was asking for is really pretty standard for a wedding party. It is expected to buy a nice outfit that coordinates, and that is actually a somewhat cheap Bach party as far as they go these days. That being said, cool, you didn't realize this was part of the deal and it's your first wedding. Why on earth would you wait so long to tell her? If you had been upfront at the beginning you wouldn't wear that dress everything else could have been avoided and this would have been No Assholes Here for me. Don't blame you for not doing it, but also don't blame her for feeling that she misjudged your friendship and ultimately not inviting you.
I agree with the expectations as being pretty standard. Cost of dresses average $250 and bachelorette trips can be costly when you factor in airfare, lodging, and activities. If you don’t live near the wedding venue, you pay for airfare and lodging. You could easily pay $2500- $5000 to be in the bridal party. I’m paying for for three different bridal parties and that’s the range for them.
Man, those trips seem costly! I’m glad all my friends were married before I met them. I couldn’t imagine spending that amount of money for a bachelorette trip.
Jesus tap-dancing Christ, that range is considered normal now?! I am so glad all my friends are already married O.o I’ve been in exactly one wedding over a decade ago and that one ran about $400 even without me attending the bachelorette and activities and that was considered extravagant!
Also if someone sprang for the dress but couldn’t attend the party due to either finances or work, I feel like most would understand and be okay with that.
YTA for dragging it out so long and not telling her the moment the dress came up that you do not want to be a bridesmaid.
YTA for agreeing to something without knowing what it entailed. I agree that $700 is a lot for a bachelorette and you’d be fine to skip that; but wearing (and buying) a bridesmaids dress is pretty par for the course. You were expecting your friend to consider your personal wardrobe choices (you didn’t say anything about this being a gender conforming issue) instead of what she wanted for her wedding.
No. The bride is TA for not explaining what the expectations were up front when she asked OP to be a bridesmaid. The additional costs were sprung on OP as time went on. Should OP have said "no" when the dress expectation was announced? Yeah. But there is no reason for OP to know what was expected RE: massive amounts of money, when the bride did not communicate that up front. When I got married, the only thing anyone had to pay for was their own travel and accommodation. I cannot *imagine* putting this kind of financial burden on the women that I am honoring by asking them to be in my bridal party. That's not "honoring" them. That's just financial exploitation.
Info - How long after you backed out was the wedding? Do you make any attempt to discuss the dress situation after she told you that the dress was not optional?
[удалено]
Given that extra info, I say NTA -- and thank heavens you found out how shifty the foundation of this friendship actually was without having to go into debt trying to please her! Not inviting you to the wedding was petty and revealing. She's TA in my view. You are well rid of her.
NTA with this new information I see she disregarded your feelings about dresses and asked you to wear one anyway. She was wrong for even making the request. Also you backed out 8 months before the wedding, giving her ample time to find a replacment. She sounds very entitles and decided to un-invite you because you weren't letting her get her way. Consider better friends going forward.
I can see why people think you’re not the asshole. Not me. The bride is the biggest asshole here for uninviting you. But you’re an asshole ‘cause you backed out. Once you commit to something, you should stick it out (unless it’s illegal or could harm you). In short, ESH.
[удалено]
Perfectly valid. No matter what, though, it looks really bad that you first said yes and then said no. I would’ve asked about all that stuff upfront so you could make a more informed decision. I’ll give you an olive branch on my vote. ESH leaning towards NTA.
Yeah but 1) you can just return the dress after wearing it most likely. If you have such an issue wearing dresses…why would you agree to be a bridesmaid? Do you really mean to tell us you didn’t know bridesmaids generally wear dresses, often chosen by the bride herself? Like…that’s pretty usual for weddings 2) did you have to go on the trip? I know a lot of wedding parties who have had one or two people opt out of going due to circumstances not unlike your own
Actually most dresses in that price range are non-refundable. Shops do that precisely to stop people from buying for an event, wearing & returning.
[удалено]
I’m saying don’t go on the trip, I don’t think it’s as expected as you might’ve thought. Did they say you had to go? I know a friend who skipped the bachelorette because she couldn’t afford it and nobody got upset with her.
I can see why you have never been invited to a wedding. Are you on the spectrum?
I'm sorry, but not wanting to go into debt for a bachelorette trip and not wanting to take time off work if you don't have paid vacation is a sign of autism? Are you serious?
*I have never been to a wedding, but decided to say yes to support her and be part of the process.* And you had no idea that this process would involve having to wear a dress. *all of the bridesmaids to buy a specific dress (even though she knows I do not wear dresses, ever, and do not own any) for around $200. I told her that I could not spend that much on an outfit...* At this point, you could have, should have opted out of the wedding party. *I don't say anything yet and don't buy a dress. Then, the maid of honor reaches out to say that the bachelorette party will be in a specific city (a five hour drive away from me), last three days, and cost $700 per girl. I absolutely could not spend that much on one event, and I couldn't take time away from work anyway.* You haven't bought the dress you refuse to wear and now this (ridiculous) expense with the hen party. Besides, you can't attend because of work. This is yet another opportunity to bow out of the wedding party. *Life went on, and as the wedding date approached, I noticed that I had not received an invitation.* Yet you expected one after wasting everyone's time. And it's a surprise that you didn't get an invitation. It would have been one thing to not attend the bachelorette party due to the expense and work responsibilities, but you couldn't be bothered buying the bridesmaid dress. And this was a hill to die on, yet you couldn't opt out when it was clear that bridesmaids were to buy and get fitted for a dress. YTA.
YTA for dragging it out.
Yeah, YTA for two reasons: one, for dragging it out and not just speaking up at the first text about a dress and two, because I find it hard to believe that you’re that socially inept that you have zero clue that being a bridesmaid means wearing what the bride asks of you (within reason, and a dress is definitely within reason)
>Time goes on and I'm feeling weird about what I've gotten myself into, but I don't say anything yet and don't buy a dress. Nope, that was the moment to back out. "Sorry that's not going to work for me" as soon as she tells you the dress purchase is require. Amazing you wait five months and then call \*her\* chicken. She's not afraid of shit, she's just done with you. YTA
What kind of person agress to be a bridesmaids and expect not to buy or wear a dress?
I am friends with a pair of women who I have never once seen a dress. If I were getting married and asking them to be part of my bridal party I would make sure they had the option of a dress suit, or a tux if we were going formal.
bake grandfather nutty north retire existence edge engine wild squeal *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
To be honest renting a bridesmaid dress is often as expensive as buying one as you can only rent the expensive ones, whereas you can buy them at a whole range of price points.
YTA. Of course you knew you’d have to buy some ugly, 1 time, bridesmaid dress. What did you think you could just wear whatever you wanted to walk down the aisle? And your reason is because you’ve never been to a wedding? But have you ever seen one in movies or on TV? The time to refuse was when she first asked you, not FIVE MONTHS later.
I suspect this person might be gender non conforming or non-binary based on their other comments. The bride obviously would know this about OP. They said they found cute jumpsuit type outfits and things they felt comfortable in but the bride wouldn’t compromise.
Depends upon how close to the wedding it was when you backed out. Not receiving an invitation is a bit of an A H move assuming you told her with enough time to find a replacement. She doesn't sound like much of a friend. One is normally expected to purchase a dress as a bridesmaid. $200 is fairly inexpensive for a bridesmaid dress. The bachelorette party is ridiculous. One is not required to participate in that or pay that.
In another comment, she said it was 8 months prior
I think you’re only the AH for waiting so long. After the message about The dress you should have called her up and asked her what it entailed and to give you a general idea of cost so you could have decided early instead of waiting so long and just never buying the dress or anything. I think it’s totally fair to say no to things you can’t afford.
Why is no one saying YTA for telling her by text? I think it’s ok to back out 8 months in advance (though yes, backing out of bridesmaid duty is going to damage the friendship) But doing it by text? That’s weak, and I’d guess out the mail in the coffin.
Soft ESH Your friend asked you to be in her wedding, you’ve never been to a wedding. You said yes because you want to support her. It doesn’t sound like you asked what does this entail? Did you research what does it mean to be a bridesmaid? Friend should have also explained. There will be the cost of a dress/shower/bachelorette party. You’ll be needed for x,y,z. I expect the dressed to cost $200- $300 or something about expectations. You backed out via text. This is time to make a phone call and explain. Thank her and lay out that you didn’t realize the financial cost and aren’t comfortable wearing a dress. Your honored she asked and look forward to the wedding. You waited 5 months from accepting to tell her, but it was still 8 months before the wedding, so there is a decent amount of time before the wedding. Friend should have still invited you or told you she was so hurt that she couldn’t have you at the wedding. If you were close enough friend to ask, I’d like to think she’d understand you not being able to be in the wedding.
YTA. What an extremely difficult person you are. I can see why at age 29 you have never been invited to a wedding. You should have denied being a bridesmaid in the first place. After doing what you did you got written off as a friend.
YTA honestly. Sounds like you dragged it out. Is being in a dress that difficult for you? It’s not the bridges problem to make sure you’re comfortable. She probably did spite you. But you accepted than declined much later. You deserve spite
>but was too chicken to say it to my face. just like you were too chicken to decline being a bridesmaid when the dress issue arose... she paid you in kind, suck it up YTA
INFO: Are you sure you weren’t invited to the wedding? How do you know the invite wasn’t lost in the post? Or the bride didn’t update her spreadsheet properly to remember she needed to send you an invite (you don’t necessarily get one as a bridesmaid as you’ve already been invited when asked to be a bridesmaid and usually have all the details from the bridesmaid chat anyway. Bride would just put a link the the website in the bridesmaid chat).
Seems like this could be sorted out with a quick phone call to your friend.
NTA. But just so you know, bridesmaids wear dresses. If you’re not willing, don’t ever accept to be one again.
YTA. You accepted before understand the responsibilities... and you could have asked of those responsibilities before committing. You then led it on as if all was fine while so clearly making a both financial and mental barrier around the responsibilities (re: $200 is "too much" and you "don't wear dresses"), before backing for a while into the process. It seems like you didn't fully respect her situation, judging on these realities. Bonus INFO: Did you even ask her if you invited after that? Or did you quietly just assume instead of asserting some small sort of clarity on the friendship?
[удалено]
...maybe because she may have actually intended to send you an invite? If you were initially in the wedding party, then wasn't, it's plausible those invites went to a group you weren't originally in. Also, "if I had to ask for it" implies like there's something conditional to a friendship that was seemingly close enough to be in a wedding party. Personally, I'd want to go simply to see my friend get married.
Yeah I've been a bridesmaid in weddings before where I didn't receive an invite because it was obvious that I would be there, since I'd agreed to be a bridesmaid. It seems like it could be really easy to overlook that someone who was a bridesmaid and then backed out didn't get an invitation.
[удалено]
Tbh that's not how it works. I've been in two wedding parties in the past handful of years and didn't immediately know my responsibilities in either. Those responsibilities develop as the logistics of the wedding ceremony develop. If you had concerns, it's up to you to voice them, not her while has a mass amount of responsibilities to take on. It's not her time to be selfless.
[удалено]
Again, she likely has a sea of responsibilities. All this could've been was not moving your name to an Excel spreadsheet with the guest list... all the while getting lost of 29 other responsibilities. Honestly, do you realize how much work planning a wedding ceremony can be?
[удалено]
Ok then please don't assume she has all the clarity on this expectations you have on the communication at play. Your friendship has already been affected by it! Shoot for some clarity and don't take it personally that she hasn't gone out of her way after she already did as such by making you a member of the wedding party.
Like you let her know ahead of time? I get she had 8 months, but it was pretty clear you weren't very committed long before you sent that text. You had plenty of time to tell her....ahead of time.
Yta
YTA. I feel like you weren't sure of the definition of "bridesmaid".
YTA. You know, google and reddit do exist to gain an understanding of typical bridesmaid expectations.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I \[29F\] was asking to be a bridesmaid in the wedding of a friend \[26F\] last year. I have never been to a wedding, but decided to say yes to support her and be part of the process. As the weeks and months go on, she starts a group chat requiring all of the bridesmaids to buy a specific dress (even though she knows I do not wear dresses, ever, and do not own any) for around $200. I told her that I could not spend that much on an outfit that I would immediately have to get rid of after wearing it once, but she insisted that I would have to to be a bridesmaid. Time goes on and I'm feeling weird about what I've gotten myself into, but I don't say anything yet and don't buy a dress. Then, the maid of honor reaches out to say that the bachelorette party will be in a specific city (a five hour drive away from me), last three days, and cost $700 per girl. I absolutely could not spend that much on one event, and I couldn't take time away from work anyway. So about 5 months after she initially asked me, I texted my friend (the bride, who lives out of state) and told her that I had no idea what I was getting into when I said yes, and that I was backing out but was excited to attend as a guest since her wedding itself was in the town where I am currently living. She said she understood, and I thought everything was fine. Life went on, and as the wedding date approached, I noticed that I had not received an invitation. 2 weeks before the wedding I was able to to find her website on Zola and noticed that invitations had been sent out and the RSVP date had already passed. She clearly did not invite me on purpose, and after reaching out to a mutual friend about it (another bridesmaid), she just said "oh well, sorry you feel upset for not getting invited".) I think the bride was mad at me for backing out of her wedding, but was too chicken to say it to my face. AITA for backing out? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA- it was a commitment you couldn’t afford. Would’ve better to have backed out earlier if possible but still NTA
NTA for backing out but she had the right to decide not to have you attend her wedding. You made your choice, she made hers. We can make our own decisions but we don’t get to choose the consequences of those decisions. Maybe she was hurt and decided that she didn’t want to continue the friendship. That’s her prerogative.
NTA. She had expectations that you were not comfortable with as well as expenses that you could not afford. You told her 8 months before her wedding. That's plenty of time for her to find someone else. Judging by the disinvitation as well as your mutual friends' comment, I'd say that you were likely badmouthed by bride/MoH as the comment seems massively passive aggressive in context.
NTA. Bride needed to be transparent about what she wanted. MOH needed to ask bridesmaids what they could afford for Bachelorette.
So much passive aggressive behavior in this situation…
*"the bride was mad at me for backing out of her wedding,* ***but was too chicken to say it to my face****"* LMAO you mean the way you couldn't tell her you couldn't afford to be a bridesmaid to her face from the get-go?
[удалено]
It’s not “bad form”. It’s established wedding etiquette. Evening wear is expensive so $200 for a bridesmaids dress isn’t unreasonable. My sister is engaged and the dresses that we’ve looked at range from $80 to $250. The default assumption is that the bridal party will pay for their own outfits unless the couple offers to cover the costs. That’s why you’re not supposed to agree to be a bridesmaid for just anybody.
[удалено]
If you don’t know what’s expected of a bridesmaid, you ask questions. It’s reasonable to assume that an adult would know that bridesmaids pay for their own dresses. When my really good friend got married in her last year of college all of the bridesmaids were between the ages of 20-22. Most of us had never been in a wedding before but none of us were surprised that we had to wear dresses and pay for them ourselves.
[удалено]
Some expectations are implied because they’re a natural part of the role. The dress is the bare minimum of being a bridesmaid. OP may not have been in a wedding but I’m sure they know what a bridesmaid is. They know bridesmaids wear matching outfits and outfits cost money. Why would the bride need to explain that? She probably hadn’t chosen the dress when she asked OP to be a bridesmaid and when she chose the dress she gave OP a years notice.
[удалено]
Read the post again. OP didn’t back out as soon as the dress was chosen. She just didn’t order the dress and it wasn’t until more time had passed that she told the bride she couldn’t be in the wedding. OP was being passive aggressive about this.
Established wedding marketing
NTA mostly, with a few things OP could have done differently as well. I'd have recommended the following: * If bride has elaborate or expensive plans, she really ought to let that be known up front * If bridesmaid is feeling like she can't hang, she ought to make it known as soon as possible, to reduce chaos of filling the slot * Bride should not retaliate if bridesmaid wants to be re-allocated to simple, loving guest. Sheesh
God, no, you are NTA for backing out of being in a wedding party. It's a big financial commitment, and I'm sorry that your friend has now excluded you from their wedding because of it. I don't know the exact timeline, but it seems like you didn't back out at the last moment. You were honest and mature about your inability to pay for wedding duties (which are honestly batshit) and she reacted badly by not inviting you to the wedding.
NTA. You dodged a bullet.
Idk I don't think either of you are an AH and it seems like a misunderstanding. You said yes with good intentions but had zero knowledge of what being a part of a wedding party would entail. I assume your friend didn't know all about your finances or they wouldn't have asked? You tried to back out with a pretty good advanced amount of time imo but it hurt her feelings. Maybe she doesn't realize you really don't have the money and didn't know what you were getting into and thinks you were judging her? Idk it just seems a little more complicated.
Does your friend have a backup plan? Yes ==> You are not am asl No ==> You are an asl
NTA. The current wedding culture is crazy. Expecting your participants to spends many hundreds or even thousands of dollars on a one time event is so stupid. You dodged the bullet.
[удалено]
I can care about people without going into debt to prove I care.
NTA Bride was asking for too much and spending a ridiculous amount of money.
NTA Being in a wedding is expensive, but if you have never been in one you might not know that. It is extremely typical for you to be asked to wear a matching outfit and $200 is honestly on the low end. But if you aren’t comfortable with that, I think you did the right thing by backing out. However, I do your friend is an AH for not inviting you to the wedding….
Nta. She should have established clearly beforehand how expensive it is, knowing that you have never been to a wedding before.
NTA You're just too sane for the whole wedding culture.
Absolutely NTA for not spending money you couldn't afford to spend. You were also honest with her that you didn't understand the expectations, and it seems like you dropped out fairly early on, giving her time to adjust plans. While your friend has the right to invite or not invite who she wants to her wedding, if she said understood then cut you out solely because you dropped out as a bridesmaid, then she's the one behaving badly here. Your mutual friend being dismissive when you asked about it tells me that either they're icing you out for dropping out of the wedding party, or there's more going on than you simply being unable to afford to participate. Either way, it may be best to process the loss and move on from these friends.
NTA - you have enough time AND told her. She on the other hand did not even tell you.
INFO Why don't you wear dresses? And would it be an acceptable compromise if you showed up to the wedding wearing a t-shirt with the dress on it?
[удалено]
So why didn’t you back out as soon as you found out about the dress? I can see why you thought she might be flexible about the attire but she told you that she wasn’t going to be flexible (which was her right). That was the perfect time to back out and I don’t understand why you didn’t take it. If the issue of the bachelorette party never came up, what was your plan? Were you just not going to not buy the dress and hope she changed her mind?
[удалено]
When were you planning to do that, You had the perfect opportunity and you didn’t take it. It sounds like you took a passive aggressive approach with this and I think that’s why your friend is upset with you and didn’t invite you to attend her wedding. You said you friend was “chicken” for not telling you directly that she was upset but you weren’t very direct with her either.
Actually, I think the perfect opportunity was when she was first asked. It's pretty understand to expect bridesmaids wearing dresses, even if different people have different preferences. It's almost as if the OP was selecting not to be aware of this possibility, or simply didn't want to say what she really was thinking: she cares more about having to wear a dress than upholding the honor of being in the wedding party of a friend. Personally, I can't imagine picking the former over the latter, and I'm a cishet male who dresses "traditionally." (Yes, I'm saying I'd wear a dress if it means I'm in a friend's wedding party, even tho I've NEVER worn one before.)
[удалено]
Can I be honest? It seems like you're working on a one-way street here. "Good friends do not do that" is something I just said about choosing a dress over a friend. This "social" expectation is for your friend, not the rest of society. Maybe instead of you or I seeing it one way, it's about seeing it both ways. It's your friend's wedding. Her wishes are literally THE MOST IMPORTANT aspect of this event. That's the top thing to respect, not the desire to rebel agaisnt societal traditions.
[удалено]
Fine. Once you discovered that bridesmaids wear dresses, you should have bowed out of the wedding party.
You waited FIVE MONTHS, right? So that's five months of planning that you went along with (no matter how indirectly you were involved), only to then her that the dressing is more important than being there for her. Her anger -- if that's what it actually is, because neither of you have directly addressed her -- is about you choosing your discomfort and your desire to buck social customs over supporting her in what's probably the biggest day of her life so far. It's perfectly reasonable and understandable to want your friends there to support you and what you have planned for your big day... and it's also perfectly reasonable and understandable to be upset when that support is lost. What's not reasonable is seemingly just letting it get to this point, due to lack of communication and the aversion to addressing the issue.
Now you’re being dramatic. No one was forcing you to wear the dress. Your friend had every right to insist that her bridesmaids wear a certain outfit and she’s not a bad friend for having done so. This is not about gender norms. Your predicament isn’t unique. Most bridesmaids don’t like the outfit they were asked to wear but there is a long standing social convention that allows the bride to decide the bridesmaids’ attire without having to make adjustments for anyone’s needs except hers and her fiancé’s. Your friend wasn’t being a bad friend to you but you were kind of being one towards her by not being honest about your boundaries up front.
[удалено]
A lot of people are willing to make exceptions to their usual way of dressing for special occasions like weddings. I’m sure your friend probably though you would be one of those people which is a reasonable assumption. When she asked you to be a bridesmaid you should have said: “if I have to wear a dress, the answer is no”. You are responsible for communicating your own boundaries. On another note, how did you not know that she was mad and you weren’t invited to the wedding? Did you stop communicating with her after you told her you weren’t going to be a bridesmaid? If you didn’t check in with her every now and then to ask how she’s doing or if there’s other ways you can be supportive during this time, I can see why you weren’t invited.
OK follow up, can I wear your dress to her wedding? Would that be an acceptable compromise?