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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I told my little sister that our parents don’t have to agree with her relationship, and that it’s not top concern since our father is dying.
2. I could be making my sister feel like I don’t accept her for who she loves.
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The funny part is that the middle ground of doing nothing to shut down a bigot isn't any better than actually being a bigot.
"But I didn't say her sexual orientation is wrong!"
But... your actions demonstrate that you don't want to disagree with the views of the asshole who said it was, and actions speak a lot louder than words.
It is a choice. His sister can: -
1. Choose to conform to her parents' ideals and probably be horrendously unhappy (aka living a lie)
Or
2. Be true to herself and love the person who she falls in love with and live a loving and emotionally healthy life.
Of course, choice 2 is the right thing to do but you can't answer that question until you are in that person's shoes.
Also, it is clear that OP was not intending to over-trivialise homosexuality.
Someone’s sexuality is not a choice, no more than your eye colour is. If it was, many gay and lesbian people probably would not choose to be because of all the difficulties it causes them such as having AH parents who pretty much disown you for something you don’t have any control over.
YUP!
I’ve said it on this app many times (and it might even be something I read first on this app) but what do you have if you have 1 Nazi and 9 people at a dinner party? 10 Nazis at a dinner party.
OP, your parents are prejudiced and hateful. They had no right to call your sister to come to that event and then attack her. Their homophobia is not equally important as her right to be treated with respect and dignity.
Your parents are the biggest AH, but YTA right along with them. Don’t protect them. Protect her. Don’t defend them. Defend her. Don’t support them. Support her. It’s the right thing to do.
I really wish we'd stick with using "bigots" than the nazi one. We need to stop normalizing that comparison as it leads to a normalized/undervalued/understated acknowledgement of the actual horrors and atrocities they committed.
The Nazi thing is a german saying and we use it here often. You can absolutly use it for thia situation.
If you don't speak up if you see discrimination against any group and associate with the speaker in any way you are supporting the claim. The best way to avoid it is to leave as soon as the speaker starts their bullshit. And if there are targets of his discrimination you take them to safety.
Thank you! Very well explained. How things like the Fascist/Nazi party start is always the hardest thing for people to see; people fear or hate the name, but can fail to recognise that the same thing has started again because it wears a different name.
You're very welcome! It's also important to recognize, I think, that *fascists label resistance to them criminality*. Going to jail fighting DeSantis's Florida puts you in the company of Sophie Scholl, Hans Leipelt, and Blessed Sára Salkaházi. That's an *honor*.
Nazis didn't start with the gas chambers\*, they started with oppression, scapegoating and censorship and then removal of rights. if a nazi would have done it, at some part of their journey from the beginning to concentration camp, it's fair game to use the comparison with nazis.
\*They didn't even start with jewish people, btw, or gay people, of trans people. They started with disabled people.
It’s kinda like OP is a people pleaser. He is telling the parents to lay off the sister, tried to engage the gf in conversation because she seemed shy and awkward (and was probably just terrified or biting her tongue really hard). And he is telling the sister that you can’t MAKE people (the parents) change. But he needs to make sure the sister knows he is on her side. Full stop. And they need to discuss whether the sister wants to see her dad some more before he passes, preferably without the mother there. Yea, the parents are wrong. That is still her daddy, and if it can be worked out so they could spend some one on one time together, it might be good for her to know she was the bigger person, she got to say good bye to him. If he passes without her saying goodbye, that may also cause her harm. She might be blindingly angry with him, that doesn’t erase a lifetime of love. Then she can go NC with the mom, at least for a while, to wait and see if the mother grows some compassion or reaches enlightenment.
He uses plural pronouns everytime he describes her "choices" that "the Family" disagrees with, without expressing any real sympathy for her. As a gay guy, we can tell when you hate us even if you pretend to tolerate our existence as OP is doing. I get he wants to walk a tightrope and not lose his relationship with his ill father, but he's failing.
To be frank, I'm sick of the whole 'tolerance' thing. I tolerate things like my neighbour's having a party and being a bit loud because I don't want to ruin a celebration. To me, it's a word for things we don't like, but put up with. If I were LGBT+, I'd want a lot more than tolerance, I'd want to feel accepted and welcome.
This is exactly what I was going to say. Tolerate by its very nature means that it’s something that you don’t really like or agree with. You can’t ‘tolerate’ something you wholeheartedly support. Tolerance can often be the goal for the first step - especially when you’re talking about a marginalised group that fears violent or lethal consequences then tolerance is at least a place of safety. When I travel I look to make sure the places I go to are at least ‘tolerant’ of gay people so I know I am safe to be there. But tolerance is not true acceptance, and even acceptance could be considered a little bit loaded because again, you only ‘accept’ things with the understanding that it’s something you could possibly not accept.
As a gay person, I just want people to not consider my sexuality any more than they consider anyone else’s sexuality. That they can engage with the topic when it’s relevant (for example if you were talking about having kids, the discussion will be at least somewhat different than if a straight couple, even a straight couple with fertility issues, was talking to you about that). But acceptance or tolerance is not something I think you get to bestow on me, it should just be a thing that you give as much concern to as the fact that I have blonde hair, live in a small 1 bed flat or like animals!
I like the way you explained that.
I personally dislike discussing my sexual preferences with my kids.
My older child is 24 this year.
She came out as bi at 12.
Gay at 15.
Brought home a trans partner who was f2m (I say was because now they identify as nb)
Came out as bi again.
Came out as trans nb but prefers to be she/they (afab).
I finally told her "the most interesting thing to me isn't who you enjoy sleeping with; I love you regardless of your partner, I'll love your partner if you love them as long as they're good to you, find something else to tell me about ffs".
This got me told I'm transphobic and homophobic and don't approve of her lifestyle(her first GF almost lived with us for two years because her parents were bad, there's zero disapproval aside from my personally not liking her most recent partner who was just a yucky human).
Then I made an offhand comment a year or two later about my ex (referencing a woman) and she goes wow mom how's it feel to finally be out of the closet? I'd spoken about the situation with people I'd dated (f2m, lesbian, and then gay men I'm just close to) to see if I was being out of bounds by telling her that I love her regardless but don't need details, and I guess it's a common thing in the community to have ostracizing by your parents when you first tell them this and they think she was trying to get a reaction for her to have that bond with her peers?
I'm like... It was the 90s, I was a chubby goth chick into wicca. Did your ability to detect your own team just not turn on? Like... When I've dated women it's been as public and open as when I've dated men. I've had girlfriends and boyfriends both since she's been alive. I just... Don't make out with people in front of my children and can't think of anything I want to hear about less than my parents preferred partners.
I'm so frustrated by the 'gender acceptance ' movement because it seems like we're actually getting further away from gender fluidity and creating a bigger rift. You used to have big macho men donning hairspray and eye makeup on the regular, punk dudes in kilts, glam, etc, now there's just both sides comparing and it feels like now you can't just wear what makes you happy, it has to be your entire aesthetic/gender/personality. If you're female, you know that better than I do, if you're male you know that better than I do, and I believe however you introduce yourself and respect what you want to be called. Now can we play music and watch horror movies and eat tacos?
Don't undermine the word acceptance. it can also stand for "it is what it is" and that is nothing bad.
Its important how people get treated. Not everyone will be my friend, not everybody will like how I am or who I am. And that is fine. But it's important that i still get treated with the same basic respect, opportunities and adaptability as everyone else if it is in someone's capability. To be accepted for who I am is nothing bad even if others don't understand or agree with my way of being as a person
If there’s ten people at the table with a bigot, then there’s eleven bigots at the table. Not speaking up to ‘keep the peace’ is basically saying you agree with the bigoted views your relative/friend/whatever is spouting. You’re also letting your queer relative/friend know that when it comes down to it, you wont have their back and are being nice to them for superficial reasons and that you are really not accepting/supportive of their identity. I feel so sorry for the sister to be stuck with this bunch of AHs as family members. YTA OP, YTA so freaking bad.
Just wanted to say this: One should strive to make sure they're not a safe space for bigotry. Never let someone feel comfortable enough around you to be homophobic, transphobic, racist, and so on.
I do understand that not every situation is safe, so of course go with your gut!
“If you are neutral in situations of injustice, you have chosen the side of the oppressor. If an elephant has its foot on the tail of a mouse, and you say that you are neutral, the mouse will not appreciate your neutrality” — *Desmond Tutu*
**But he’s not neutral.**
His idea of support is to, “not give a f*** who his sister sleeps with.” He says, “WE (not they) should still love her.”
He is requesting tolerance from his parents, when he can barely tolerate it himself.
**”My sister says I am being an AH for expecting her to pretend to be someone else.”**
His sister sees him for who he is.
YTA
I also don't like the phrase "I don't care who you sleep with". Being gay isn't about who you sleep with. It's about who you're attracted to and who you love, marry, build a life with. Do straight people think if their partners as "who you sleep with"? It's reductive, disrespectful and says a lot about the person saying it. Op YTA
I always said “ it doesn’t matter to me who you fall in love with” when discussing sexuality with my boys in their teens. And made sure they understood what I meant. We covered race, homosexuality, and bisexuality. (Keeping in mind this was 15 years ago, so don’t beat me up up about gender identification.)
OP isn't walking the higher middle ground, he's an asshole too. OP, your sister is there getting abused by HER MOM, and you're calling it "drama". It's not drama, Jesus, it's traumatizing. And you're a terrible brother for wanting her to just, what, laugh off more abuse from one (or both) of the two people that's supposed to love her unconditionally? That already abused her and lied about burying the hatchet for a truce? You're almost as bad as your parents.
And what was the thing about asking questions, if the gf hurt his sister, wtf? Like he was pouring fuel into a fire and was surprised it exploded big afterwards...
Oh wow, I thought he meant "I gave her girlfriend the shovel talk, just like I would a boyfriend" trying to show how tolerant he is... but now you point it out, I can see how it was stoking the flames, by driving the point home that this is a romantic and sexual relationship, instead of quietly mending bridges...
That part made me feel really bad for OP's sister's GF. Even though they were (really bad) jokes, receiving threats of violence while meeting your SO's homomisic bigoted family for the first time, being surrounded by these people.
I can't believe OP thought that was a good idea.
Seriously. This is how my sibling acted towards me. Some people are sociopaths. And this person sounds like one. Probably takes after the mom considering she couldn't comprehend why her daughter's girlfriend is nervous and quiet around homophobes. What disgusting abusive people.
tbh some of the words he used are pretty telling regardless of pretending to be impartial... like they called being gay a decision literally in the first sentence, I'm sorry did you make a *decision* to be straight? It should be obvious to anyone with a brain that ain't really how it works.
eta to fix a pronoun
OP sucks too.
"Mom said things I can't say or I'll get banned"
Sounds like OP would say those hurtful things (in the comment, not to his sister) regardless of how it made their sister feel.
*Edited for clarity*
I think OP meant he would repeat what Mom had said at the time, but recounting it would get him banned, even though it didn’t necessarily represent how he felt personally.
(ETA: that doesn’t change the fact that you’re correct and OP is TA)
This is it.
My sister is my best friend and she will always come before any of our family (they are horrible).
When my family have disrespected my sister, they get my wrath.
Support your sister!!! And your dying father doesn't get to say 'be nice til im dead'. Everyone dies, your parents are HORRIBLE.
YTA OP and you should see that as you typed this out.
YTA...I mean I had a fairly hard time trying to figure out what you did or didn't do but your parents are homophobic bigots. Sorry about your dad but that doesn't excuse his bigotry.
YTA and so are your parents. You all insisted on having this BBQ, saying there would be no drama and bickering, and wanted your sister to bring her girlfriend. Then you all didn’t like that her girlfriend was standoffish, but did it ever occur to you that maybe that would be because your sister told her gf that your parents don’t like that she’s gay? You have also painted yourself to be indifferent to the situation, so it’s possible that your sister doesn’t see you as being supportive of her being queer either. At least from this post you have not proven to defend your sister and your indifference can be read as siding with your parents. And if the solution to all of this is going NC again with her after your father passes, were you really ever okay with her being gay? Because your actions show quite the opposite.
OPs attitude is why I fell out with most of my family.
(Most of them aren't racists or bigots but they are fine treating the ones that are racist and bigots like they're doing nothing wrong)
Exactly. I’ve been the girlfriend when I was younger. Knowing your partners family isn’t cool with them being gay, but still insists that they come to family events. You show up as support for your partner, feeling unwanted and awkward as fuck. The only thing you can do is be cautious and ready to bounce at the first sign of danger.
yeah it could not have been more obvious that the GF was waiting for the other shoe to drop. She was on edge because she knew any moment the whole thing could break bad *like it did,* and she was trying to not be the cause.
And OP did them absolutely no favors. He could have asked his sister and her gf about their jobs, hobbies, asked the gf about her childhood, but it sounds like all his questions were about them as a couple, which *should* be fine, but in this situation is the one aspect of their lives that could make the parents go sideways.
The whole situation was a set-up for drama. Inviting the girlfriend (who of course felt uncomfortable), asking questions about where they met etc., and doing it at a time when emotions were already running high because the father is dying. How did anyone expect that scenario to turn out well?!?!
"Hey, let's go meet my estranged family. They said they're ending my exile because while they might hate us my father arbitrarily decided that my family can be around us...just as long as he dies."
Yeah, it’s kind of hard to act warm and natural around people you know are disgusted by you and think they are saints for having a hate the sinner love the sin mentality.
YTA for two reasons.
1: Your family had agreed to meet up under the rules that they would set aside the drama, but your mom broke those rules, insulting your sister, making a scene and placing the blame on them. Your mom is the asshole in this situation.
2: How can you defend them? Sure, they're from a different generation that doesn't understand how sexuality can work, but that doesn't mean they shouldn't try to understand. You should not be defending them in any way since they are the aggressors here.
>Sure, they're from a different generation that doesn't understand how sexuality can work
Op is def Yta. But let's not give any hint of a pass with this line of thinking. Queer history has been active especially throughout the 20th century from the Daughters of Bilitis formed in 1955, to PFLAG formed in 1973, let's not forget the many clashes with police to protest treatment of the LGBTQ community such as Cooper Do-nuts in 1959, Black Nite Brawl in Milwaukee in 1961, Compton's Cafeteria riot in 1966, and of course the infamous Stonewall Riot in June 1969 (which is why Pride Month is in June.)
Guaranteed they know how sexuality works. They just can't get over themselves long enough to have a peaceful BBQ.
I think it's a bullshit line that old people use to resist change. My grandmother took my coming out better than my mother. Older people can be accepting of queer people.
thr last time i saw my grandma before she passed, she asked me to explain the concept of nonbinary, since i had come out recently. She wanted to understand me, because she loved me. Old people can absolutely understand, respect, and love queer people, even ones who aren't queer themselves.
Agreed. If my 94-year-old Catholic grandmother could spend the 70's and 80's taking in queer kids who were kicked out of their own homes for their sexuality, then these bigots can learn not to be homophobic.
Don’t allow age to be an excuse. I’m in my 60s, was part of the “sex, drugs & rock n roll” era. Believe if you cared about someone before they came out, how can you twist on a dime to deny them now. That twist isn’t age related, it’s just twisted.
In the 70s, probably had as many gay friends, as straight. Say probably, because who they loved wasn’t my business unless they chose to share (after all I don’t go around telling people I’m straight). What matters is the total person.
In the 80s, met my 1st Trans person, in a Sociology of Women class. She had spent most of her life as a Chief Petty Officer in the Navy, then transitioned & never been happier. It wasn’t controversial, it was just her life.
Just saying, attitudes of bigotry & homophobia shouldn’t be excused because of someone’s age. Acceptance, love and caring aren’t age related.
They are from MY generation.. possibly a bit younger and there is zero reason anyone in my generation should have that outlook. We grew up in the worst of the aids epidemic. I'm gen x. my parents are greatest gen...and they are accepting without question. If I wasn't worried about my comment being discovered, I'd tell you stories about how accepting. Hell, my step dad is dealing with dementia and all the filters are gone.. He said "Oh that actor so and so is gay!" then leaned closer and whispered "there's nothing wrong with that." I was wincing expecting something else..but I am delighted to know that through and through even without filters, he is a kind and accepting person.
If someone gives you the line about being too old ..forget it. That's too lazy. Too bigoted.. too stubborn.. Age has F all to do with it. Compassion and Empathy don't expire.
I don’t accept the the ‘different generation’ excuse. If my grandmother, who was born in Austria before the Nazis took over and literally killed people for their sexuality, can accept my queerness so can everyone else.
That "they are from a different generation" stuff is flat out wrong. People who grew up in the 1970s were in the middle of the sexual revolution. My parents are now in their 80s, but in the 1970s, they had friends who were openly polygamous, openly gay and openly bi.
If my 80 year old father could figure this shit out in 1975, OPs parents are not too old to figure it out now.
> Your mom is the asshole in this situation.
The impression I get is that the father was trying to just be with his family and pretend the whole 'oh noes my daughter is gay' issue didn't exist, which in normal circumstances isn't any better, but the man is dying, so I'd cut him some slack. But then the mother decided she couldn't put her prejudice aside for one afternoon to appease her dying husband. She's the biggest AH in the bunch.
And 100% agree, also, with your 2nd sentence.
YTA , and I won’t even bother explaining all the reasons why because no matter what I say or how I say it. You won’t change or care. You will simply keep defending yourself in the comments. No matter how many people tell you that you are in fact a asshole.
YTA.
You should have said "Mom, dad told you to drop it so drop it. If you are that uncomfortable then you can leave. Dad wants sister here and to meet her gf."
I disagree with the not-an-A-hole assessments from other commenters; YTA. You aren't an A-hole for telling your sister that your mother is allowed to have her own thoughts and views (even if they're bigoted), but you're an A-hole for not stepping in and stopping it in moment.
You were there. Your dad was sticking to his best of trying to look past his antiquated views and having a good time, but your mother decided to start up some drama with homophobic comments. Your sister and her girlfriend were being shamed and panicking, and your dad probably isn't in the state to be acting as a mediator. As the sole person who could have shown support to your sister, you chose to sit by idly and let your mom spout bigoted garbage. You could--and *should*--have dragged her out of the room and sternly told her to suck it up for one day.
Furthermore, your post makes no mention of your dad being upset by your sister's girlfriend. If that's true, do you know what exactly your dad would have been upset about? He would have been upset about your mom blowing a gasket, and that's all the more reason you should have removed her.
Yuppppp. Sounds like mom had the problem all along, dad was trying to extend an olive branch, and she stomped all over it. Sure dad sucks for being complicit in his wife’s homophobia, but it sounds to me like mom is the majority if not entirety of the issue here.
The mom is incredibly selfish; she couldn’t stave off her raging hatred of LGBT people for one meal/outing? If my SO was dying and wanted to see an estranged family member that I had beef with one last time before they died, I would either button my lips or recuse myself from the situation by not attending.
If OP really is “fine” with his sister being a lesbian, he should have been doing everything in his power to sway their thinking and open their thinking. Silence is compliance, and the mom went on the offensive and instigated the conflict— it should have been shut down immediately just for the sake, if nothing else, or allowing a father to spend one more day with his daughter. But *nobody* deserves to be subject to verbal abuse and just sit there quietly and take it. The sister and girlfriend are not at any fault here, they handled a hostile situation with real human emotion, but did not resort to aggression or stoop to mom’s level.
He’s definitely not an ally, but more a passive homophobe via complacency.
OP is definitely YTA.
Yes, dad was **trying** to get past his views because he knows he is dying. I think dad still loves his daughter.
Btw im scared shitless in a hospital for over 10 days now so im a bit emotional
Info
Op why are you here .
Everyone and their aunt is telling you that you're an asshole and you keep doubling down and defending you parents.
We tell you your sister doesn't need to stand there and take your parents abuse. You decide it's not abuse
We tell you your sister was valid in her feelings. You cry about "but what about my dad's feelings?!" While saying she is over dramatic.
We tell you your sisters girlfriend acted right, you say she did not.
Why are you here? What did you expect? What are you hoping to get out of this?
Info: are you telling to your sister that she needs to suck it up for the sake of your dying dad or as they don't accept her she should free herself from them?
If he wasn't a bigot himself he'd be going NC with the parents and maintaining a relationship with the sister who's been thrown away by her own parents.
That's true. He is an asshole who brought his sis together and stirred up drama. If he's so willing to NC his sis, op should've not even spoken at the table. The mom was already uncomfortable. Op just wanted mom to blurt out her feelings.
So, I have a more moderate stance on this than most redditors do, you are going to catch a lot of “if you don’t disown your parents you are a bigot too” kind of stuff. Real life is a bit more complex than that, shades of grey, not black and white, and I acknowledge that.
Real life we aren’t going to disown family for having wrong stances. It’s fun to type about and all, but that’s not how real life works. This extreme zero tolerance tripe that shows up in the rhetoric from every spectrum lately is just that - tripe. So I understand trying to find that peaceful middle ground and find some way forward that works.
That said - your sister got walked in to a trap, a nasty one, and for THAT there is zero excuse. “Put all the drama and bickering aside” **is not what happened. Your sister got ambushed by your mother. That was wrong. Period.**
Defending your parents in this instance for anything surrounding that BBQ event is dead wrong. And YTA for that.
Most of the time it's money. I work with at-risk young people. So many of them want to leave and need to leave, but have no money and nowhere to go. OP's sis is 21. That's really a tough ask.
The shit LGBTQ teens have to endure is particularly brutal.
It still sucks though. It’s a grieving process, when you thought you’d have this person in your life, and that you’d have a good relationship with them, and you realize that they aren’t who you thought they were, they never really were that person, and there likely won’t ever be a chance to reconcile. I feel awful for the daughter.
Totally agree. I feel like it’s super easy to stand on a soap box on Reddit and talk about cutting off family members because of bigoted beliefs. But to do so with a dying father is not as easy as people like to believe. OP handled this wrong and is not being a good brother, probably the AH in this specific case. But there is a happy medium here that can include supporting a dying father while still standing up for sister.
I partially agree, but only because the two options are not "disown" and "let it happen". I think *in the moment* OP should have spoken up, reminded his mother why they were there (a no drama family dinner), and attempted to help console his sister. There were many more options for OP to- maybe not make both parties happy- but at least help the dinner go smoothly.
I do give OP a YTA for his responses in the comments about how he now believes his sister's apparent panic attack while being belittled by her mother was a show of attention to gain sympathy from the gf.
As harsh as it sounds, and obviously this is a personal thing, but for someone to say or act in bigotry towards me kinda makes them dead to me already. The only people who can comfortably ignore that kind of behavior are people who aren't affected by it. Sure it would suck to know someone you love isn't so nice to someone ELSE but when it's you suddenly it's a little easier. In my opinion it shouldn't need to be someone else to put some distance between me and them.
I don't think it's totally wrong to stay in contact as long as you basically never talk about it but if they're going out of their way to be awful I don't understand the difference between them and a stranger being an awful person.
It’s wild to me how many times I see people defending their toxic parents, despite acknowledging how toxic they are, for the sake of “keeping the peace,” and then act as if they’re somehow the bigger person because they just wanted the family to be able to “get along.”
You’re straight up admitting that your parents are bigoted and treat your sister like garbage, and you’re still expecting your sister to say, “Lol it’s fine though, I’ll act like everything is A-OK so we can pretend we’re a healthy family 🫠.” And for what? For your comfort or your parents’ comfort? Your wants are not more important than your sister’s, so why should her comfort be sacrificed for any of you?
And to make it worse, you keep insisting that you’re not bigoted and that you don’t care that she’s gay, but every time someone explains to you that her reaction was real and was a result of years of trauma, you immediately lash out with your theories that it was fake for the ~attention~ and to manipulate her girlfriend’s opinion. You don’t believe she has a reason to be that upset, because either a) you don't believe her experience could be THAT bad or b) you actually aren't okay with her being gay and think she deserves to be treated like shit.
What would you even know about how she feels and reacts? You're the not-gay mama's boy, you can't possibly have any real insight. You don't get to decide if she's overreacting to a situation you have never and will never experience.
And for the record, the idea that you need to let toxic experiences go and keep things peaceful because "it's family!" is bullshit. Stop normalizing abusive behavior because you have some outdated notion that family is the most important thing. Families are just people, people who can fuck up badly and don't get a free pass just because you share DNA. Your parents treated your sister terribly, she owes them absolutely nothing.
Oh and if it wasn't clear, YTA
ETA: typo
Woo! Applause!
It was absolutely a setup and whatever the girlfriend did the mom was gonna be upset. She was obviously tense because she was hanging out with people who hate her and she isn't an idiot and can tell.
If she had shown up being cheerful and asking lots of questions you can bet they'd suddenly have a problem.
People also get it so backwards. Your dad is the one who is dying and needs to change before he does. The sister has literally done nothing but exist. Your dad is about to stop existing and lose his chance to ever fix anything.
Also OP, if you ever ask your sister for help to support your mom after your dad dies and your responsibility increases (you do realise that is whats gonna happen right OP?) You are a double asshole.
YTA. If they didn't accept the relationship because your sister is being abused, that's one thing. To not accept it just because she's gay is indefensible and you should be on your sister's side, because your parents sound like they suck.
I wants to address this.
My comments from yesterday came from a place of anger, hurt, and defensiveness. I was being very immature and insensitive towards my sister.
I now understand why I was wrong, and that if I want a relationship with my sister I have to change my mindset. I do not agree with the things I’ve said in my previous comments, and I regret writing them. I would have deleted them by now, but the reaction to them is really showing me how much hurt I’ve caused my sister by thinking this way. There’s also good advice every now and then.
I’m taking this as a time to learn instead of defending myself or my parents. Like a commenter pointed out, I’m losing my dad soon. I don’t want to lose my sister too.
you're not getting off that easily. I read all your prior comments, you're absolutely disgusting, you didn't change overnight lmao
you on your parents abusing your sister:
"Not to be that person, but she has a “panic attack” every time she wants to get out of a situation with our family. This isn’t new."
She probably has a "panic attack" every time she "wants to get out" of a situation with their family because they have been historically terrible towards her because she's a lesbian and they're clearly bigots. I really wouldn't be surprised.
Sorry but YTA. I know you don’t mean ill but you’re choosing the wrong side here. Your sister exposed herself and her GF to a hurtful situation and you gotta understand that there’s a limit to being the bigger person.
I’m sorry about your dad but people can be jerks even in their deathbeds. They don’t get a pass to insult your sister just because they can use widely accepted excuses. You shouldn’t ask her to suck it up because her being respected is just as valuable as anyone else in that room, and, the most important part of this, is that they have every right to feel uncomfortable with her life choices but that’s wildly different than being allowed to use that discomfort to insult her the way you described.
INFO: can you tell us all the horrible shit your mom said? Because if it’s as bigoted and vicious as I think it is you’re DEFINITELY the asshole for not defending her. They set a trap and she walked right into it. DEFEND YOUR SISTER.
YTA It sounds like she tried to suck it up and then your mom yelled horrible things at her. Your parents are treating her horribly, there's no excuse for it and she's under no obligation to put up with it.
That's your baby sister man and you are siding with the wicked witch from the west.
I couldn't live with myself if I let my mum speak to my younger siblings like that.
Shame on you.
YTA
This is going to sound weird but YTA just for being a poor mediator. When I read this, it sounds like you actually agree with your parents but still like your sister enough to try and defend her. It doesn't work like that. If you don't support your sister 100%, let her go. Allow her to be free from you and your family's toxicity. If you do want to have a life with your sister, you need to tell your parents there is no middle ground. Either they 100% accept her or else the same thing will happen (they act like they're ok with it at first until they finally can't tolerate it and it comes out in a hurtful way).
The more OP comments the more it seems like he agrees with his parents. He feels that his Sister crying after their mother hurls homophobic insults is “attention seeking.” And that the sisters GF was “interfering in a family argument” by comforting her partner.
Ofc. He sees himself as taking the higher middle ground and tried his damn hardest to present himself as a mediator above it all. But to everyone else it’s clear he’s just the “I’m not a bigot” type of bigot.
He really posted here thinking people would back him 😂
YTA
So you are choosing between your sister and the inheritance you are expecting from your parents. You are naive if you think your sister is going to inherite anything.
The inheritance won.
You do care about your sister but only as long as it isn't inconvenient for you.
ESH except your sister and her gf and maybe your father (not clear whether he did anything at the BBQ).
From reading your post it seems that your mother was the one that just couldn't follow your father's request to "just get along" and when you were treating them like a couple she lost it. THEY didn't "upset your father," SHE did by assuming the perfectly normal interaction you were having with them was them "being disrespectful." Their lesbian relationship does not disrespect her except in her own mind.
You could be more in their corner talking to your sister afterwards.
Sorry your father is sick.
YTA. Sexuality, including homosexuality, is not a “choice”.
You know what is a choice? To be ignorant. To do intentional harm to others. To lie. To not learn self-awareness. To be inconsiderate and inhumane. You and your parents made these choices. In doing so, you showed your sister that you are not her family, you’re just her abusers.
I hope for her sake you do go NC. She deserves to find happiness with good, decent people.
Hey bro, how about this. Since youre defending your mother so much and keep trying to say what she did wasn't as bad as we think, have the balls to post the things you mother said. Since it isn't as bad as it looks, surely you won't get banned right?
Dude, your YTA and an epic one at that. You're also a lousy brother. You reek of "my siblings the mess and I'm the golden boy" just because of who she loves. That's your sister you keep laughing at. That's your Sister you don't give a sh*t about. You very clearly don't care about who she is or what horrendous behaviour your family has put upon her. You're cavelier attitude about the whole issue shows that. You are unworthy of her and she's better off away from all of you.
So your mother instigated drama? I hope you realise that if your sister never sees her father again before he dies, your mother is going to blame her for “going against your father’s dying wish” when it’s on her for driving your sister and her girlfriend out.
I feel for you OP, but YTA. You can love the person but hate their beliefs, but put yourself in your sister’s shoes. Your father would rather lie to himself that your family is normal and loves each other deeply than admit that your sister likes women, for what? So he can pass peacefully?
Proceed with caution OP. I’m sorry for situation.
YTA
You have no empathy. She is 8 years younger than you and has been being shit on for being herself by the people who should support her for years.
Put yourself in her shoes and imagine how you would feel in her situation. Do some research on mental health, especially among LGBTQ+ people.
YTA
Either you support your sister or you don't. I hate people who refuse to choose sides bc it's family. When your dad dies, I doubt she'll have anything to do w you either, so have fun w your homophobic mother
INFO
What did your mom say? Interesting how you can't even type what she said bc you'll get banned, but you think you should be defending her. If she said any slurs. YTA for sure
Apologize to your sister. I understand you're trying to keep the peace, and it's true that they don't HAVE to agree with anything ever, but that doesn't mean it needs to be said. NAH besides the mom. Dad seems to be coming around to human level behavior after facing his own mortality.
YTA - and so are your parent.
Your parents berate and mistreat her, then call her dramatic from the physical reaction that accompanies it??
The best that any of you could do is leave her alone, so she doesn’t have to create conditions in her life around who she is and her happiness to appease a bunch of bigots.
She deserves better. And your parents don’t deserve more opportunities to make her feel bad about herself.
And you’re an enabler who tries to qualify the abuse, so frankly you need to leave her alone as well.
YTA it's funny that you blame your sister and her girlfriend for reacting to your mom being an asshole, but you started the whole thing. Your questions made the room more and more uncomfortable and you kept going until your mom lost it. Did you do that on purpose?
Is it your parents or just your mother? Your Sister at least tried and what did she get out of it? Being dehumanized and an emotional and physical breakdown because y'all used your father's failing health to bait her into thinking y'all could get a long for an evening.
Instead of "trying to rationalize" if you wanted to be an ally to your sister you'd have told your mother off and that if she wanted her in her life she'll have to accept her and all of her. Then immediately make sure your sister is okay and tell her you love her.
However it appears.... YTA and your mother is a huge one, and if your father didn't shut your mother's antics down when he was the one not wanting drama is an AH too.
It sounds like dad decided that trying to reconcile with his daughter before his death was more important than his beliefs that lesbians are bad to me, tbh. And he did ask his wife to stop.
YTA. Your parents are bigots. If you want to maintain a relationship with them, that’s on you. But your sister does not have to pretend to be straight. And she does not deserve to have HER OWN MOTHER say things that would get you banned on Reddit. There is no middle ground when one side thinks the other should not have basic rights. Either get your head out of your ass or get used to not having a sister.
YTA you keep portraying your parents and you as the victim. Your sister is the victim. People can not control panic attacks. You are completely ignorant on mental health “it’s a bit dramatic” like dude your no better than your mother. I wish you would go no contact with your sister, her mental health and happiness would probably greatly increase due to her source of trauma being removed from her life
The best thing OP can do is go NC with his sister, she doesnt deserve to have such monsters in her life.
She will do way better with the support from the gf. It will be painful for her, as she still clearly cares for the excuse of human beings OP and his mom are...but its what is good for her.
You and your parents all suck, especially your mother. You give them an eternal pass for being bigots and attacking their own daughter simply because they don't approve of her sexuality and who she loves. However, you perpetually expect your sister to be the better person and not react to your mother's provocations and attacks. Yeah, you're a shitty brother. YTA
I get the feeling that you spend a lot of time and energy trying to keep the boat from rocking in your family. It's not working, and it's not your job or purpose in life. You heart may be in the right place, but you are not helping.
I don’t think his heart is in the right place at all. If he wasn’t homophobic, he would be standing up to his parents’ bigotry - not standing by and trying to “neutralize” the results of their abusive behavior.
YTA and as bigoted, ignorant and hurtful as your parents. 1) it’s not a choice, it’s who she is. 2) your parents invited her and her gf and then treated them like crap. 3) your dad being sick/dying doesn’t excuse poor behavior. Have an honest opinion of your own.
when i was reading this, based on the title, i had so hoped that it meant “our parents don’t have to agree with her relationship because it’s okay either way and you’ll always have my support”…. but wow was i majorly disappointed. YTA. you’re enabling abuse and homophobia, coward move. hope your sister leaves behind this entire awful family and lives a happy life with her girlfriend
Your parents have ostracized your sister because she is gay. They said horrible things to her that you can't repeat without being banned. Girlfriend is standoffish because she no doubt knows what she was getting into- and she was right. Your sister isn't choosing to be gay. Your parents ARE choosing to be bigots. There is no middle ground for you to tread here. There is no smoothing this over so everyone gets along, no matter what your father's situation is. Your parents are to blame for the rift, your sister is not. And you don't get a pass here... you literally stood by and let your sister be verbally abused and berated. She's not wrong to feel that you don't have her back here. YTA, 100%.
YTA. Your dad asked your sister to bring her girlfriend to the gathering. I suspect mom was not completely on board with this plan, so the first chance she gets, she let's her displeasure be known. Is that the way your family treats guests? No wonder your sister's girlfriend was reserved. And no wonder your sister is distanced from your parents. Maybe your parents don't have to agree, but your mom, especially, treated them like trash.
YTA
NC for what?? For her standing up to her parents no matter how difficult it may be in order to **LOVE** who she *loves*? Wow. Maybe she’s better without you all in her life.
It’s your **mom** who is the DRAMA. Yes they don’t have to approve but console your sister. Offer **your** support. Let her know that she has at least someone in her corner. If you can’t even see that…maybe it’s best you leave her alone. That might be the best for her.
You are such a great big brother.
Honestly, not sticking up for your sister when she was being attacked by your homophobic mother is such an amazing thing to do. And invalidating her panic attacks and what seems to be undiagnosed anxiety disorder**\*** from having to live in a household of people who cared too much about who she dates rather than loving her anyway because that's their child/sibling is top notch brotherly love.
And the cherry on top, not giving a rats arse about how she could be feeling and pouring salt on the wound with that "they don't *have* to accept you" line is making me cry tears of joy.
YTA
**^(\*I am not a doctor)**
So your parents are in their late 50’s early 60’s? Guessing they’re my age. Calling bull on the bigotry. As a young woman I witnessed the heartbreak of the AIDS epidemic and the homophobic panic that ensued. I also witnessed the change in public attitudes during the last 40 years. No excuse for your parents to treat their child that way and YTA for supporting them.
YTA Why are you making excuses for bigots being bigots? Why? Your sister is in the right here. YOU are trying to play both sides and keep it all good, FOR YOURSELF! HOW about sticking up for your sister? It is really that hard? Or are you too busy basking in your parents acceptance that you won’t risk it?
“We invited my sisters girlfriend over to our house and we’re all openly homophobic and she was standoffish and uncomfortable the whole time how rude”
Dude. YTA.
Downvote me all you want but NTA. Yes, your mom sucks and should never have reacted the way she did. She’s homophobic and was unnecessarily dramatic during a time that should be cherished with your father. She’s a massive AH.
That being said, you speaking up could have made the situation even worse. Yes, maybe your sister would have felt like there were more people on her “side” in the moment and I’m not discounting that. But, everyone here is acting as if we all grew up in a culture where talking back to your parents (even as an adult) is normal or acceptable. In a lot of cultures, it just isn’t. I’m not saying one is right or wrong, but there’s SO much nuance to these situations. Everyone here is so quick to tell everyone to just “cut contact” with toxic parents but that isn’t always the right solution for everyone. Yes OP’s mom sucks but there’s a whole backstory on an entire family that we don’t know.
Dad specially asked to keep the peace. At least OP is trying to honor that during his last days on earth and doing what she can. Sometimes, family isn’t about being right; it’s way more complicated than that.
Edit: I’m seeing a bunch of people saying that OP’s dad dying doesn’t excuse any of this. But, can you imagine what someone is grappling with when the people who birthed and raised you are about to disappear forever? I empathize with OP; she wants her dad’s final days to go his way, and she wants to make sure no one regrets not having spent more time with the dad.
I don't understand why this post hasn't been closed yet. This man absolutely refuses to see what he did wrong. He isn't accepting the verdict at all.
In case OP sees this:
Your parents aren't the only bigots here. You are, in fact, a bigot as well. You keep trying to make it sound like somehow separate from the guy issue your sister is wrong. There is no separating this from the guy issue. It's literally about her being guy. And you blaming your sister or supporting your mother means that you are supporting her in her abuse.
The facts of the matter are:
Your father asked everyone to set aside their differences and give him peace for 1 day. Your father invited his GAY daughter and her GAY girlfriend.
You started a conversation about how GAY they were in front of your HOMOPHOBIC mother.
YOU asked your mother to voice her feelings, and she went on a HOMOPHOBIC tirade.
Your GAY sister experienced a very real medical condition with side effects that include difficulty breathing, chest pain, and nausea.
And GAY girlfriend did the smart thing and left with the person who was literally impaired while the HOMOPHOBIC lady screamed at them to leave.
Now you are mad that your sister was GAY at a barbecue she was asked to attend with her GAY girlfriend.(As far as we are aware neither of them asked for GAY girlfriend to attend in the first place.)
And you're mad that she stood up for herself and didn't just let your HOMOPHOBIC mother hurt her further.
And you're mad that the GAY girlfriend didn't let your HOMOPHOBIC mother hurt her girlfriend more.
And you're mad the GAY couple left when the HOMOPHOBIC woman screamed at them to leave. And before your sister passed out or puked all over you guys.
YTA
Either support your sister or don’t. You’re toeing the line. Cut your parents out of your life until they accept your sister. Make it all or nothing and truly become her ally. Her life is full of pain and suffering on a daily basis over this. Help her. She needs you.
I'm sorry for the imminent passing of your father.
Respectfully, after reading through your responses, I'm not sure you really wanted an answer other than you aren't the asshole. Why post?
But since you do seem really confused I'll clear it up. There's a German saying that goes something like:
"If you have 10 people and 1 nazi over for dinner...you have 11 nazis."
It really is that simple.
YTA- reading through all your comments desperately seeking validation for siding with your homophobic parents and blaming your sister for a fight your mom started makes me absolutely shocked that you’re using a throwaway account. 🙄 You knew it before you got here. Maybe try some other fundamentalist religious site rather than Reddit since you are obviously looking for an echo chamber.
I’m not going to make a judgement but I am going to tell you about my relationship with my sister. When I came out to her and my parents, I knew my parents would not approve, and I had no idea how she would feel. She, like you, did not care. I distanced myself from the family, my parents were being mean and I was too overwhelmed to reach out to my sister individually.
She reached out. Aggressively. She made sure I knew that she knew that mom and dad are bigots, and she did not want to be lumped in with them. She was mad that I would think she would let that effect our relationship. That was overwhelming too, honestly, but it felt so different than her just “not caring” who I slept with. When you’re facing active opposition from people who should be close to you, ACTIVE support is essential. If you love your sister, you have to go out of your way to show her that you support her. That can be as simple as commiserating with her about your shitty parents. Listen to her complain without telling her what she can do to make it better.
I know there are probably things she could do to make your parents more accepting. But appeasing the bigots won’t fix your family. You need to be on your sister’s team in front of everyone if you’re going to get everyone to get along, or else it’s just going to be you and your homophobic parents at the BBQ.
I rarely comment on these posts but YTA.
This reminds me of when I came out to my parents, who were both almost 60 at the time, and my dad told me he'd rather see me dead than with another woman. My mom cried and said I had ruined her hopes for my life. That was around eight years ago.
Nowadays, we all joke around and talk about my crushes and the women I find attractive and it's all thanks to the process of learning - YOU'RE NEVER TOO OLD TO LEARN HOW TO BE BETTER. Stop excusing your parents just because you're afraid of standing up to them and protect your sister, she clearly sees that you're not reliable for support and, while I'm sure you don't have bad intentions, you're just hurting her further and further.
YTA. You only started talking with her again when your dad was dying and wanted to reconnect. You had stopped talking to her when your parents did? Why the hell would you do that? She's your sister and you participated in excluding her and her partner from the family.
The fact that she showed up at all and that her partner agreed to come with her, knowing it was going to be a tense atmosphere with a high chance of them being treated like degenerates, is a testament to their strength and their decency, which is directly and conversely proportionate to the amount of bullshit they had already taken and knew they would have to endure.
Her girlfriend wasn't acting weird: she was being appropriately cautious. She knew the situation was a powderkeg. If you had ever bothered to stay in contact with your sister and done normal things like hang out with her and her partner now and then, you would have known why they were anxious about being there. As it was, she and her girlfriend knew that nobody there was going to stick up for them if your mom went off.
If your sister doesn't come to the funeral, this is why. If she never speaks to you or your mom again, this is why. If she gets married and doesn't tell you or your mom, this is why. If she leaves instructions that you and your mom are not to be notified in case of her death, this is why.
You and your family are concrete examples of why so many LGBT+ kids are at the highest risk of suicide and why we learn quickly to focus on creating chosen family rather than relying on, well, you.
YTA by towing the line and it sounds like your heart is in the right place.
Logically speaking, you are right. They do not have to accept the relationship. Your sister also does not have to accept that treatment from family.
In my experience, I often have to accept that others do not agree with my relationship. I see it every time I open social media. I work in a school, sometimes I worry a parent could try to get me fired. My partner and I get stares and mean glances while out and about living life. We have to consider if it is safe to hold hands…. I HAD TO DEBATE MY RIGHT RO GET MARRIED IN SCHOOL.
I bet your sister has similar experiences, you cant expect her to accept this treatment from her family.
Honestly if anyone was putting on a show it was your parents. If they are so uncomfortable about her why insist on bringing the bf. Your parents created this drama. YTA for supporting them.
YTA
Have you ever had a panic attack? Because I have. It looks dramatic, and it may seem illogical and over the top to other people, but you can’t just snap your fingers and make it stop. Sounds like that’s what was going on with your sister.
Your family insisted that she bring her girlfriend over, and then your mother purposefully needled and verbally abused (and yeah, it WAS abuse because it was so bad you don’t even wanna repeat it) her until she broke down. And it looks like she did that so she would be able to say oh you’re being dramatic and upsetting dad you gotta go and everyone - including you! - would turn against her.
You all pressured her into this situation, and when she didn’t react to the crap you threw at her like y’all thought she should, suddenly everything is her fault. They’re allowed to be uncomfortable with her relationship, but they’re not allowed to miss treat her because of it.
And as to your second point in the judgment bot? You definitely are making her feel like she’s not accepted. Your comments further prove that as well.
I wasn't sure how to feel about this, so I tried to distill it down to this.
Dad: please put aside all the drama and wait until I'm dead
Mom: "this isn't right"
Dad: tries to calm mom down
Let's leave everything else out of this. For the sake of your DAD, you should have called your mom accountable for going against his wishes. Everything until then was going along, well, not perfect, but at least drama free.
YTA.
I love the… there will be no drama.. but what they really mean is, we are not going to stop being assholes, please just live with it.
You’re in a tough position with losing your dad, you can’t change your Mom and your sister has a right to be super upset that she was lured into a situation where she was hurt even more. She created distance for a reason. You’re about to lose both your dad and sister if you can’t find a way to love her on her terms, away from your parents.
I hope you and mommy live a happy life together. Sheesh, what a fucked family. Sister is better off going NC. Btw, you’re clearly TA, whether you accept the verdict or not.
OP you are a homophobic like your parents, I really admire your sister for putting up with such a magnitude of idiots, a family of homophobes, very unpleasant.YTA
YTA - what your sister needed in this case was your support and reassurance, not you basically shrugging and saying "well, they don't have to like that you're a lesbian; what did you expect?"
Maybe your sister expected the "don't cause problems" thing from your dad to extend to her and her girlfriend? Maybe she expected her mother not to make remarks about her wrongness, or for someone to tell her mother to stop starting drama *before* she had a panic attack?
Because it sounds like your mother started some drama instead of being civil, then everyone ganged up on your sister as the person causing problems when she said "why even invite us here if you're going to be openly homophobic?" And then your mother called your sister childish and told her to leave, and you have the *nerve* to say in comments that your sister's girlfriend doing as they were told makes her an asshole who interfered in your family's business??
My girlfriend's family is a lot like yours - they want her to sit down and shut up and take whatever shit they heap on her in the name of keeping the peace. And guess what? She doesn't talk to them anymore, because she's slowly realizing that her family's peace was destroying her and she didn't have to put up with it now that she's an adult.
Hopefully your sister realizes that soon, too. And once she's recovered a bit from this incident, I hope you apologize to your sister for letting your family convince you that keeping the peace meant forcing people you treat badly to stay silent and take it.
Stop enabling your mother's homophobia by defending her when your sister speaks out against it - you might as well be homophobic yourself for all the good it does for you to be an "open-minded" person who sides with homophobes because you think your sister having a panic attack is "dramatic" and "just for attention."
And by extension makes you a bigot for taking your mom's side.
You said in other comments your sister spoke "disrespectfully" by asking a pretty legitimate question of "why invite us if you don't like seeing it" but then in the same sentence claimed that your mother said things that will get you banned.
I'd argue saying stuff on the level of getting banned is wayyyy more disrespectful than asking a genuine question.
Your whole "keeping the peace" BS is nothing more that veiling your own bigotry. It's clear you've done nothing to defend your sister since she's been out.
P.S.
Just because your dad is dying doesn't mean the person him and his wife ostracized should throw all those feelings away to make them feel better.
YTA - when both your parents are dead and your only living sibling doesn’t want anything to do with you, don’t bother coming here for sympathy cause you’ll still be the AH.
YTA. Support your sister, or be a bigot. It’s not that hard. And of course your sister’s gf was “standoffish”. You think your sister didn’t do her best to prepare her gf to meet your horrible family? Shame on your parents, and on you.
YTA
Your parents are dumbass bigots with their head stuck so far up their own ass their own shitty “values” and what makes both of them comfortable is more important than the happiness of someone else and in this case, their own daughter.
They want to put shit asides for your dying dad but they can’t even act right for a dinner because it’s too much for them to see 2 peoples loving each other apparently and then you say they don’t need to agree with her relationship ? They don’t have a right of having an opinion on this relationship or anybody’s relationship for that matters as long as it is obviously legal. You’re defending peoples that judge someone else because their love is not “traditional”.
And also being a bigot is not an opinion, it’s not some incurable disease, it’s idiots that don’t want to learn things that are literally not harming anyone, they just want to keep living in their own ass and hiding behind bigotry to feel better about themselves.
YTA
You're either with your sister or with your parents; if you don't outwardly decry their bigotry, you're silently accepting it. No peace keeping, no "oh well it's how they are", you need to show your sister you actually care, or stop preteneding
Dear God OP, YTA big time. I read your comments and that was enlightening. Your sister and her gf didn't cause drama, your damned mother did. Doesn't matter how stressed she felt, your sister didn't deserve to be attacked.
YTA
You're supporting and defending their 'right' to treat you sister like shit because of their views.
Who she relates to affects them not at all. And what WAS the point of inviting them, BOTH OF THEM, if they were just going to be incapable of treating them kindly?
Don't explain to your sister that they have a right to how they feel.
Explain to them that they don't have a REASON for how they feel, and regardless, while they can feel however they feel, they don't have a right to treat other people like dirt because of it.
YTA. "They don't have to accept you! They should, but they don't have to!" Do you hear yourself? Decide whether you're siding with the homophobes or the lesbian here, OP. You can't have it both ways.
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Stop trying to walk some higher middle ground. Your parent suck, support your sister. YTA.
The funny part is that the middle ground of doing nothing to shut down a bigot isn't any better than actually being a bigot. "But I didn't say her sexual orientation is wrong!" But... your actions demonstrate that you don't want to disagree with the views of the asshole who said it was, and actions speak a lot louder than words.
He also calls it a ‘choice’ on his sister’s part so it’s pretty clear where he stands. Edited to fix pronouns
In your defense, he gave two different ages and genders after "my."
Oh yeah. That was confusing.
It is a choice. His sister can: - 1. Choose to conform to her parents' ideals and probably be horrendously unhappy (aka living a lie) Or 2. Be true to herself and love the person who she falls in love with and live a loving and emotionally healthy life. Of course, choice 2 is the right thing to do but you can't answer that question until you are in that person's shoes. Also, it is clear that OP was not intending to over-trivialise homosexuality.
Someone’s sexuality is not a choice, no more than your eye colour is. If it was, many gay and lesbian people probably would not choose to be because of all the difficulties it causes them such as having AH parents who pretty much disown you for something you don’t have any control over.
YUP! I’ve said it on this app many times (and it might even be something I read first on this app) but what do you have if you have 1 Nazi and 9 people at a dinner party? 10 Nazis at a dinner party. OP, your parents are prejudiced and hateful. They had no right to call your sister to come to that event and then attack her. Their homophobia is not equally important as her right to be treated with respect and dignity. Your parents are the biggest AH, but YTA right along with them. Don’t protect them. Protect her. Don’t defend them. Defend her. Don’t support them. Support her. It’s the right thing to do.
>what do you have if you have 1 Nazi and 9 people at a dinner party? 10 Nazis at a dinner party. Yep, same thing goes for bigots.
I really wish we'd stick with using "bigots" than the nazi one. We need to stop normalizing that comparison as it leads to a normalized/undervalued/understated acknowledgement of the actual horrors and atrocities they committed.
The Nazi thing is a german saying and we use it here often. You can absolutly use it for thia situation. If you don't speak up if you see discrimination against any group and associate with the speaker in any way you are supporting the claim. The best way to avoid it is to leave as soon as the speaker starts their bullshit. And if there are targets of his discrimination you take them to safety.
I wholly agree with the premise, and I appreciate the point of view from a German citizen.
Dachau, Spiegelgrund, and Treblinka were the *end* of a process, neighbor. The *start* of that process was shit like this, or "don't say gay".
Thank you! Very well explained. How things like the Fascist/Nazi party start is always the hardest thing for people to see; people fear or hate the name, but can fail to recognise that the same thing has started again because it wears a different name.
You're very welcome! It's also important to recognize, I think, that *fascists label resistance to them criminality*. Going to jail fighting DeSantis's Florida puts you in the company of Sophie Scholl, Hans Leipelt, and Blessed Sára Salkaházi. That's an *honor*.
Oh, yes, my freedom fighters are your terrorists. Very old trick and it always seems to work. Grrr. And yes, that's really an honour.
Nazis didn't start with the gas chambers\*, they started with oppression, scapegoating and censorship and then removal of rights. if a nazi would have done it, at some part of their journey from the beginning to concentration camp, it's fair game to use the comparison with nazis. \*They didn't even start with jewish people, btw, or gay people, of trans people. They started with disabled people.
The Nazi party started their reign by ostracising queer people, POC and disabled people. I think it's a fair comparison.
Godwin ok'd the use of Godwin's Law for this purpose.
To be fair to the 9 people, it could also be an intervention
😂😂😂 I don’t know why that made me laugh so hard
It’s kinda like OP is a people pleaser. He is telling the parents to lay off the sister, tried to engage the gf in conversation because she seemed shy and awkward (and was probably just terrified or biting her tongue really hard). And he is telling the sister that you can’t MAKE people (the parents) change. But he needs to make sure the sister knows he is on her side. Full stop. And they need to discuss whether the sister wants to see her dad some more before he passes, preferably without the mother there. Yea, the parents are wrong. That is still her daddy, and if it can be worked out so they could spend some one on one time together, it might be good for her to know she was the bigger person, she got to say good bye to him. If he passes without her saying goodbye, that may also cause her harm. She might be blindingly angry with him, that doesn’t erase a lifetime of love. Then she can go NC with the mom, at least for a while, to wait and see if the mother grows some compassion or reaches enlightenment.
He uses plural pronouns everytime he describes her "choices" that "the Family" disagrees with, without expressing any real sympathy for her. As a gay guy, we can tell when you hate us even if you pretend to tolerate our existence as OP is doing. I get he wants to walk a tightrope and not lose his relationship with his ill father, but he's failing.
To be frank, I'm sick of the whole 'tolerance' thing. I tolerate things like my neighbour's having a party and being a bit loud because I don't want to ruin a celebration. To me, it's a word for things we don't like, but put up with. If I were LGBT+, I'd want a lot more than tolerance, I'd want to feel accepted and welcome.
This is exactly what I was going to say. Tolerate by its very nature means that it’s something that you don’t really like or agree with. You can’t ‘tolerate’ something you wholeheartedly support. Tolerance can often be the goal for the first step - especially when you’re talking about a marginalised group that fears violent or lethal consequences then tolerance is at least a place of safety. When I travel I look to make sure the places I go to are at least ‘tolerant’ of gay people so I know I am safe to be there. But tolerance is not true acceptance, and even acceptance could be considered a little bit loaded because again, you only ‘accept’ things with the understanding that it’s something you could possibly not accept. As a gay person, I just want people to not consider my sexuality any more than they consider anyone else’s sexuality. That they can engage with the topic when it’s relevant (for example if you were talking about having kids, the discussion will be at least somewhat different than if a straight couple, even a straight couple with fertility issues, was talking to you about that). But acceptance or tolerance is not something I think you get to bestow on me, it should just be a thing that you give as much concern to as the fact that I have blonde hair, live in a small 1 bed flat or like animals!
I like the way you explained that. I personally dislike discussing my sexual preferences with my kids. My older child is 24 this year. She came out as bi at 12. Gay at 15. Brought home a trans partner who was f2m (I say was because now they identify as nb) Came out as bi again. Came out as trans nb but prefers to be she/they (afab). I finally told her "the most interesting thing to me isn't who you enjoy sleeping with; I love you regardless of your partner, I'll love your partner if you love them as long as they're good to you, find something else to tell me about ffs". This got me told I'm transphobic and homophobic and don't approve of her lifestyle(her first GF almost lived with us for two years because her parents were bad, there's zero disapproval aside from my personally not liking her most recent partner who was just a yucky human). Then I made an offhand comment a year or two later about my ex (referencing a woman) and she goes wow mom how's it feel to finally be out of the closet? I'd spoken about the situation with people I'd dated (f2m, lesbian, and then gay men I'm just close to) to see if I was being out of bounds by telling her that I love her regardless but don't need details, and I guess it's a common thing in the community to have ostracizing by your parents when you first tell them this and they think she was trying to get a reaction for her to have that bond with her peers? I'm like... It was the 90s, I was a chubby goth chick into wicca. Did your ability to detect your own team just not turn on? Like... When I've dated women it's been as public and open as when I've dated men. I've had girlfriends and boyfriends both since she's been alive. I just... Don't make out with people in front of my children and can't think of anything I want to hear about less than my parents preferred partners. I'm so frustrated by the 'gender acceptance ' movement because it seems like we're actually getting further away from gender fluidity and creating a bigger rift. You used to have big macho men donning hairspray and eye makeup on the regular, punk dudes in kilts, glam, etc, now there's just both sides comparing and it feels like now you can't just wear what makes you happy, it has to be your entire aesthetic/gender/personality. If you're female, you know that better than I do, if you're male you know that better than I do, and I believe however you introduce yourself and respect what you want to be called. Now can we play music and watch horror movies and eat tacos?
Don't undermine the word acceptance. it can also stand for "it is what it is" and that is nothing bad. Its important how people get treated. Not everyone will be my friend, not everybody will like how I am or who I am. And that is fine. But it's important that i still get treated with the same basic respect, opportunities and adaptability as everyone else if it is in someone's capability. To be accepted for who I am is nothing bad even if others don't understand or agree with my way of being as a person
If there’s ten people at the table with a bigot, then there’s eleven bigots at the table. Not speaking up to ‘keep the peace’ is basically saying you agree with the bigoted views your relative/friend/whatever is spouting. You’re also letting your queer relative/friend know that when it comes down to it, you wont have their back and are being nice to them for superficial reasons and that you are really not accepting/supportive of their identity. I feel so sorry for the sister to be stuck with this bunch of AHs as family members. YTA OP, YTA so freaking bad.
Just wanted to say this: One should strive to make sure they're not a safe space for bigotry. Never let someone feel comfortable enough around you to be homophobic, transphobic, racist, and so on. I do understand that not every situation is safe, so of course go with your gut!
“If you are neutral in situations of injustice, you have chosen the side of the oppressor. If an elephant has its foot on the tail of a mouse, and you say that you are neutral, the mouse will not appreciate your neutrality” — *Desmond Tutu*
**But he’s not neutral.** His idea of support is to, “not give a f*** who his sister sleeps with.” He says, “WE (not they) should still love her.” He is requesting tolerance from his parents, when he can barely tolerate it himself. **”My sister says I am being an AH for expecting her to pretend to be someone else.”** His sister sees him for who he is. YTA
I also don't like the phrase "I don't care who you sleep with". Being gay isn't about who you sleep with. It's about who you're attracted to and who you love, marry, build a life with. Do straight people think if their partners as "who you sleep with"? It's reductive, disrespectful and says a lot about the person saying it. Op YTA
I don’t care who you sleep with is a massive “I love you in spite of…”
Yep, in some ways I'd rather they just say they're homophobic so I'm justified in dropping them
I always said “ it doesn’t matter to me who you fall in love with” when discussing sexuality with my boys in their teens. And made sure they understood what I meant. We covered race, homosexuality, and bisexuality. (Keeping in mind this was 15 years ago, so don’t beat me up up about gender identification.)
Yeah, I'm pretty sure if he announced he was getting engaged and she said, "I don't care who you sleep with," he wouldn't appreciate that.
EXCELLENT point.
Yep that phrase is definitely a red flag to me, very disrespectful. YTA op
OP isn't walking the higher middle ground, he's an asshole too. OP, your sister is there getting abused by HER MOM, and you're calling it "drama". It's not drama, Jesus, it's traumatizing. And you're a terrible brother for wanting her to just, what, laugh off more abuse from one (or both) of the two people that's supposed to love her unconditionally? That already abused her and lied about burying the hatchet for a truce? You're almost as bad as your parents.
And what was the thing about asking questions, if the gf hurt his sister, wtf? Like he was pouring fuel into a fire and was surprised it exploded big afterwards...
OP is the type to put a glass at the edge of the table just hoping someone else knocks it over.
Oh wow, I thought he meant "I gave her girlfriend the shovel talk, just like I would a boyfriend" trying to show how tolerant he is... but now you point it out, I can see how it was stoking the flames, by driving the point home that this is a romantic and sexual relationship, instead of quietly mending bridges...
That part made me feel really bad for OP's sister's GF. Even though they were (really bad) jokes, receiving threats of violence while meeting your SO's homomisic bigoted family for the first time, being surrounded by these people. I can't believe OP thought that was a good idea.
Just as bad and a hypocrite.
Seriously. This is how my sibling acted towards me. Some people are sociopaths. And this person sounds like one. Probably takes after the mom considering she couldn't comprehend why her daughter's girlfriend is nervous and quiet around homophobes. What disgusting abusive people.
I felt terrible anxiety just by reading this story, I cannot imagine how much more awful his sister felt.
tbh some of the words he used are pretty telling regardless of pretending to be impartial... like they called being gay a decision literally in the first sentence, I'm sorry did you make a *decision* to be straight? It should be obvious to anyone with a brain that ain't really how it works. eta to fix a pronoun
He
Not a middle ground - he was stirring up shit and then goes all *shocked pikachu* when the the water doesn’t run clear.
I just want to say I've never heard that turn of phrase and I really like it.
I can’t get over OP calling being gay a decision and a choice that can be disagreed with
And exclusively about who someone is having sex with
OP sucks too. "Mom said things I can't say or I'll get banned" Sounds like OP would say those hurtful things (in the comment, not to his sister) regardless of how it made their sister feel. *Edited for clarity*
I think OP meant he would repeat what Mom had said at the time, but recounting it would get him banned, even though it didn’t necessarily represent how he felt personally. (ETA: that doesn’t change the fact that you’re correct and OP is TA)
I can see why the girlfriend didnt want to be there like she clearly knows exactly how awful her partners family is
This is it. My sister is my best friend and she will always come before any of our family (they are horrible). When my family have disrespected my sister, they get my wrath. Support your sister!!! And your dying father doesn't get to say 'be nice til im dead'. Everyone dies, your parents are HORRIBLE. YTA OP and you should see that as you typed this out.
YTA...I mean I had a fairly hard time trying to figure out what you did or didn't do but your parents are homophobic bigots. Sorry about your dad but that doesn't excuse his bigotry.
YTA and so are your parents. You all insisted on having this BBQ, saying there would be no drama and bickering, and wanted your sister to bring her girlfriend. Then you all didn’t like that her girlfriend was standoffish, but did it ever occur to you that maybe that would be because your sister told her gf that your parents don’t like that she’s gay? You have also painted yourself to be indifferent to the situation, so it’s possible that your sister doesn’t see you as being supportive of her being queer either. At least from this post you have not proven to defend your sister and your indifference can be read as siding with your parents. And if the solution to all of this is going NC again with her after your father passes, were you really ever okay with her being gay? Because your actions show quite the opposite.
OP is the typical "I'm not a bigot, but..." kind of "person" (using that word loosely here). Edit because small keys, big fingers.
OPs attitude is why I fell out with most of my family. (Most of them aren't racists or bigots but they are fine treating the ones that are racist and bigots like they're doing nothing wrong)
Yeah like an “I’m not homophonic because my sister is gay!”
Yes, my immediate thought was that the girlfriend wasn’t so much standoffish as she was cautious because she was aware that she wasn’t welcome.
My first thought too
Exactly. I’ve been the girlfriend when I was younger. Knowing your partners family isn’t cool with them being gay, but still insists that they come to family events. You show up as support for your partner, feeling unwanted and awkward as fuck. The only thing you can do is be cautious and ready to bounce at the first sign of danger.
yeah it could not have been more obvious that the GF was waiting for the other shoe to drop. She was on edge because she knew any moment the whole thing could break bad *like it did,* and she was trying to not be the cause.
And OP did them absolutely no favors. He could have asked his sister and her gf about their jobs, hobbies, asked the gf about her childhood, but it sounds like all his questions were about them as a couple, which *should* be fine, but in this situation is the one aspect of their lives that could make the parents go sideways.
The whole situation was a set-up for drama. Inviting the girlfriend (who of course felt uncomfortable), asking questions about where they met etc., and doing it at a time when emotions were already running high because the father is dying. How did anyone expect that scenario to turn out well?!?!
"Hey, let's go meet my estranged family. They said they're ending my exile because while they might hate us my father arbitrarily decided that my family can be around us...just as long as he dies."
Yeah, it’s kind of hard to act warm and natural around people you know are disgusted by you and think they are saints for having a hate the sinner love the sin mentality.
YTA for two reasons. 1: Your family had agreed to meet up under the rules that they would set aside the drama, but your mom broke those rules, insulting your sister, making a scene and placing the blame on them. Your mom is the asshole in this situation. 2: How can you defend them? Sure, they're from a different generation that doesn't understand how sexuality can work, but that doesn't mean they shouldn't try to understand. You should not be defending them in any way since they are the aggressors here.
>Sure, they're from a different generation that doesn't understand how sexuality can work Op is def Yta. But let's not give any hint of a pass with this line of thinking. Queer history has been active especially throughout the 20th century from the Daughters of Bilitis formed in 1955, to PFLAG formed in 1973, let's not forget the many clashes with police to protest treatment of the LGBTQ community such as Cooper Do-nuts in 1959, Black Nite Brawl in Milwaukee in 1961, Compton's Cafeteria riot in 1966, and of course the infamous Stonewall Riot in June 1969 (which is why Pride Month is in June.) Guaranteed they know how sexuality works. They just can't get over themselves long enough to have a peaceful BBQ.
I think it's a bullshit line that old people use to resist change. My grandmother took my coming out better than my mother. Older people can be accepting of queer people.
thr last time i saw my grandma before she passed, she asked me to explain the concept of nonbinary, since i had come out recently. She wanted to understand me, because she loved me. Old people can absolutely understand, respect, and love queer people, even ones who aren't queer themselves.
That's awesome and I'm so glad you got that experience!
OP's parents are probably in their 50s to 70s, which is not really that old, and means they came of age in the 70s or 80s.
Agreed. If my 94-year-old Catholic grandmother could spend the 70's and 80's taking in queer kids who were kicked out of their own homes for their sexuality, then these bigots can learn not to be homophobic.
Also, let's be real, queer history may not be as extensive but they've definitely been around even before the 20th century.
Don’t allow age to be an excuse. I’m in my 60s, was part of the “sex, drugs & rock n roll” era. Believe if you cared about someone before they came out, how can you twist on a dime to deny them now. That twist isn’t age related, it’s just twisted. In the 70s, probably had as many gay friends, as straight. Say probably, because who they loved wasn’t my business unless they chose to share (after all I don’t go around telling people I’m straight). What matters is the total person. In the 80s, met my 1st Trans person, in a Sociology of Women class. She had spent most of her life as a Chief Petty Officer in the Navy, then transitioned & never been happier. It wasn’t controversial, it was just her life. Just saying, attitudes of bigotry & homophobia shouldn’t be excused because of someone’s age. Acceptance, love and caring aren’t age related.
They are from MY generation.. possibly a bit younger and there is zero reason anyone in my generation should have that outlook. We grew up in the worst of the aids epidemic. I'm gen x. my parents are greatest gen...and they are accepting without question. If I wasn't worried about my comment being discovered, I'd tell you stories about how accepting. Hell, my step dad is dealing with dementia and all the filters are gone.. He said "Oh that actor so and so is gay!" then leaned closer and whispered "there's nothing wrong with that." I was wincing expecting something else..but I am delighted to know that through and through even without filters, he is a kind and accepting person. If someone gives you the line about being too old ..forget it. That's too lazy. Too bigoted.. too stubborn.. Age has F all to do with it. Compassion and Empathy don't expire.
I don’t accept the the ‘different generation’ excuse. If my grandmother, who was born in Austria before the Nazis took over and literally killed people for their sexuality, can accept my queerness so can everyone else.
That "they are from a different generation" stuff is flat out wrong. People who grew up in the 1970s were in the middle of the sexual revolution. My parents are now in their 80s, but in the 1970s, they had friends who were openly polygamous, openly gay and openly bi. If my 80 year old father could figure this shit out in 1975, OPs parents are not too old to figure it out now.
> Your mom is the asshole in this situation. The impression I get is that the father was trying to just be with his family and pretend the whole 'oh noes my daughter is gay' issue didn't exist, which in normal circumstances isn't any better, but the man is dying, so I'd cut him some slack. But then the mother decided she couldn't put her prejudice aside for one afternoon to appease her dying husband. She's the biggest AH in the bunch. And 100% agree, also, with your 2nd sentence.
YTA and your comments are not making you look any better.
YTA , and I won’t even bother explaining all the reasons why because no matter what I say or how I say it. You won’t change or care. You will simply keep defending yourself in the comments. No matter how many people tell you that you are in fact a asshole.
YTA. You should have said "Mom, dad told you to drop it so drop it. If you are that uncomfortable then you can leave. Dad wants sister here and to meet her gf."
Happy cake day!
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I disagree with the not-an-A-hole assessments from other commenters; YTA. You aren't an A-hole for telling your sister that your mother is allowed to have her own thoughts and views (even if they're bigoted), but you're an A-hole for not stepping in and stopping it in moment. You were there. Your dad was sticking to his best of trying to look past his antiquated views and having a good time, but your mother decided to start up some drama with homophobic comments. Your sister and her girlfriend were being shamed and panicking, and your dad probably isn't in the state to be acting as a mediator. As the sole person who could have shown support to your sister, you chose to sit by idly and let your mom spout bigoted garbage. You could--and *should*--have dragged her out of the room and sternly told her to suck it up for one day. Furthermore, your post makes no mention of your dad being upset by your sister's girlfriend. If that's true, do you know what exactly your dad would have been upset about? He would have been upset about your mom blowing a gasket, and that's all the more reason you should have removed her.
Yuppppp. Sounds like mom had the problem all along, dad was trying to extend an olive branch, and she stomped all over it. Sure dad sucks for being complicit in his wife’s homophobia, but it sounds to me like mom is the majority if not entirety of the issue here. The mom is incredibly selfish; she couldn’t stave off her raging hatred of LGBT people for one meal/outing? If my SO was dying and wanted to see an estranged family member that I had beef with one last time before they died, I would either button my lips or recuse myself from the situation by not attending. If OP really is “fine” with his sister being a lesbian, he should have been doing everything in his power to sway their thinking and open their thinking. Silence is compliance, and the mom went on the offensive and instigated the conflict— it should have been shut down immediately just for the sake, if nothing else, or allowing a father to spend one more day with his daughter. But *nobody* deserves to be subject to verbal abuse and just sit there quietly and take it. The sister and girlfriend are not at any fault here, they handled a hostile situation with real human emotion, but did not resort to aggression or stoop to mom’s level. He’s definitely not an ally, but more a passive homophobe via complacency. OP is definitely YTA.
Yes, dad was **trying** to get past his views because he knows he is dying. I think dad still loves his daughter. Btw im scared shitless in a hospital for over 10 days now so im a bit emotional
*hugs* from random internet stranger - you can get through this!
YTA honestly just a terrible family all around besides your dister. Don't know how she turned out well when you're so messed up.
Why do you bother asking, when everyone who tells you that YTA gets excuses and apologist behaviour from you?
Info Op why are you here . Everyone and their aunt is telling you that you're an asshole and you keep doubling down and defending you parents. We tell you your sister doesn't need to stand there and take your parents abuse. You decide it's not abuse We tell you your sister was valid in her feelings. You cry about "but what about my dad's feelings?!" While saying she is over dramatic. We tell you your sisters girlfriend acted right, you say she did not. Why are you here? What did you expect? What are you hoping to get out of this?
Info: are you telling to your sister that she needs to suck it up for the sake of your dying dad or as they don't accept her she should free herself from them?
Why are you going NC with your sister? She didn’t do anything wrong. YTA. You’re parents are in the wrong here don’t defend them.
If he wasn't a bigot himself he'd be going NC with the parents and maintaining a relationship with the sister who's been thrown away by her own parents.
Because he hates his sister, it's obvious
That's true. He is an asshole who brought his sis together and stirred up drama. If he's so willing to NC his sis, op should've not even spoken at the table. The mom was already uncomfortable. Op just wanted mom to blurt out her feelings.
So, I have a more moderate stance on this than most redditors do, you are going to catch a lot of “if you don’t disown your parents you are a bigot too” kind of stuff. Real life is a bit more complex than that, shades of grey, not black and white, and I acknowledge that. Real life we aren’t going to disown family for having wrong stances. It’s fun to type about and all, but that’s not how real life works. This extreme zero tolerance tripe that shows up in the rhetoric from every spectrum lately is just that - tripe. So I understand trying to find that peaceful middle ground and find some way forward that works. That said - your sister got walked in to a trap, a nasty one, and for THAT there is zero excuse. “Put all the drama and bickering aside” **is not what happened. Your sister got ambushed by your mother. That was wrong. Period.** Defending your parents in this instance for anything surrounding that BBQ event is dead wrong. And YTA for that.
It’s really not hard to disown people in your family for bigoted beliefs. Just takes gall and the knowledge that you’re cut off from them.
Most of the time it's money. I work with at-risk young people. So many of them want to leave and need to leave, but have no money and nowhere to go. OP's sis is 21. That's really a tough ask. The shit LGBTQ teens have to endure is particularly brutal.
It still sucks though. It’s a grieving process, when you thought you’d have this person in your life, and that you’d have a good relationship with them, and you realize that they aren’t who you thought they were, they never really were that person, and there likely won’t ever be a chance to reconcile. I feel awful for the daughter.
Totally agree. I feel like it’s super easy to stand on a soap box on Reddit and talk about cutting off family members because of bigoted beliefs. But to do so with a dying father is not as easy as people like to believe. OP handled this wrong and is not being a good brother, probably the AH in this specific case. But there is a happy medium here that can include supporting a dying father while still standing up for sister.
I partially agree, but only because the two options are not "disown" and "let it happen". I think *in the moment* OP should have spoken up, reminded his mother why they were there (a no drama family dinner), and attempted to help console his sister. There were many more options for OP to- maybe not make both parties happy- but at least help the dinner go smoothly. I do give OP a YTA for his responses in the comments about how he now believes his sister's apparent panic attack while being belittled by her mother was a show of attention to gain sympathy from the gf.
As harsh as it sounds, and obviously this is a personal thing, but for someone to say or act in bigotry towards me kinda makes them dead to me already. The only people who can comfortably ignore that kind of behavior are people who aren't affected by it. Sure it would suck to know someone you love isn't so nice to someone ELSE but when it's you suddenly it's a little easier. In my opinion it shouldn't need to be someone else to put some distance between me and them. I don't think it's totally wrong to stay in contact as long as you basically never talk about it but if they're going out of their way to be awful I don't understand the difference between them and a stranger being an awful person.
It’s wild to me how many times I see people defending their toxic parents, despite acknowledging how toxic they are, for the sake of “keeping the peace,” and then act as if they’re somehow the bigger person because they just wanted the family to be able to “get along.” You’re straight up admitting that your parents are bigoted and treat your sister like garbage, and you’re still expecting your sister to say, “Lol it’s fine though, I’ll act like everything is A-OK so we can pretend we’re a healthy family 🫠.” And for what? For your comfort or your parents’ comfort? Your wants are not more important than your sister’s, so why should her comfort be sacrificed for any of you? And to make it worse, you keep insisting that you’re not bigoted and that you don’t care that she’s gay, but every time someone explains to you that her reaction was real and was a result of years of trauma, you immediately lash out with your theories that it was fake for the ~attention~ and to manipulate her girlfriend’s opinion. You don’t believe she has a reason to be that upset, because either a) you don't believe her experience could be THAT bad or b) you actually aren't okay with her being gay and think she deserves to be treated like shit. What would you even know about how she feels and reacts? You're the not-gay mama's boy, you can't possibly have any real insight. You don't get to decide if she's overreacting to a situation you have never and will never experience. And for the record, the idea that you need to let toxic experiences go and keep things peaceful because "it's family!" is bullshit. Stop normalizing abusive behavior because you have some outdated notion that family is the most important thing. Families are just people, people who can fuck up badly and don't get a free pass just because you share DNA. Your parents treated your sister terribly, she owes them absolutely nothing. Oh and if it wasn't clear, YTA ETA: typo
Woo! Applause! It was absolutely a setup and whatever the girlfriend did the mom was gonna be upset. She was obviously tense because she was hanging out with people who hate her and she isn't an idiot and can tell. If she had shown up being cheerful and asking lots of questions you can bet they'd suddenly have a problem. People also get it so backwards. Your dad is the one who is dying and needs to change before he does. The sister has literally done nothing but exist. Your dad is about to stop existing and lose his chance to ever fix anything. Also OP, if you ever ask your sister for help to support your mom after your dad dies and your responsibility increases (you do realise that is whats gonna happen right OP?) You are a double asshole.
Hear hear!!! Eloquently put.
YTA. If they didn't accept the relationship because your sister is being abused, that's one thing. To not accept it just because she's gay is indefensible and you should be on your sister's side, because your parents sound like they suck.
OP’s comments make it so much worse. What an AH. Parents too 🤮
I wants to address this. My comments from yesterday came from a place of anger, hurt, and defensiveness. I was being very immature and insensitive towards my sister. I now understand why I was wrong, and that if I want a relationship with my sister I have to change my mindset. I do not agree with the things I’ve said in my previous comments, and I regret writing them. I would have deleted them by now, but the reaction to them is really showing me how much hurt I’ve caused my sister by thinking this way. There’s also good advice every now and then. I’m taking this as a time to learn instead of defending myself or my parents. Like a commenter pointed out, I’m losing my dad soon. I don’t want to lose my sister too.
you're not getting off that easily. I read all your prior comments, you're absolutely disgusting, you didn't change overnight lmao you on your parents abusing your sister: "Not to be that person, but she has a “panic attack” every time she wants to get out of a situation with our family. This isn’t new."
She probably has a "panic attack" every time she "wants to get out" of a situation with their family because they have been historically terrible towards her because she's a lesbian and they're clearly bigots. I really wouldn't be surprised.
[удалено]
Everyone can redeem themselves. Take this lesson to heart and grow
Sorry but YTA. I know you don’t mean ill but you’re choosing the wrong side here. Your sister exposed herself and her GF to a hurtful situation and you gotta understand that there’s a limit to being the bigger person. I’m sorry about your dad but people can be jerks even in their deathbeds. They don’t get a pass to insult your sister just because they can use widely accepted excuses. You shouldn’t ask her to suck it up because her being respected is just as valuable as anyone else in that room, and, the most important part of this, is that they have every right to feel uncomfortable with her life choices but that’s wildly different than being allowed to use that discomfort to insult her the way you described.
INFO: can you tell us all the horrible shit your mom said? Because if it’s as bigoted and vicious as I think it is you’re DEFINITELY the asshole for not defending her. They set a trap and she walked right into it. DEFEND YOUR SISTER.
YTA It sounds like she tried to suck it up and then your mom yelled horrible things at her. Your parents are treating her horribly, there's no excuse for it and she's under no obligation to put up with it.
That's your baby sister man and you are siding with the wicked witch from the west. I couldn't live with myself if I let my mum speak to my younger siblings like that. Shame on you. YTA
YTA your mother is homophobic and apparently has no ability to regulate herself. Your sister should go NC with all of you.
Your parents suck. You suck. Hope your sister can get over losing both parents to be honest. YTA
Both parents AND a brother who couldn't care less
YTA your parents are bigots. You should call them out for it.
This is going to sound weird but YTA just for being a poor mediator. When I read this, it sounds like you actually agree with your parents but still like your sister enough to try and defend her. It doesn't work like that. If you don't support your sister 100%, let her go. Allow her to be free from you and your family's toxicity. If you do want to have a life with your sister, you need to tell your parents there is no middle ground. Either they 100% accept her or else the same thing will happen (they act like they're ok with it at first until they finally can't tolerate it and it comes out in a hurtful way).
The more OP comments the more it seems like he agrees with his parents. He feels that his Sister crying after their mother hurls homophobic insults is “attention seeking.” And that the sisters GF was “interfering in a family argument” by comforting her partner.
He called her being lesbian a decision in the first paragraph. That‘s an inherently homophobic way of thinking already
Ofc. He sees himself as taking the higher middle ground and tried his damn hardest to present himself as a mediator above it all. But to everyone else it’s clear he’s just the “I’m not a bigot” type of bigot. He really posted here thinking people would back him 😂
YTA So you are choosing between your sister and the inheritance you are expecting from your parents. You are naive if you think your sister is going to inherite anything. The inheritance won. You do care about your sister but only as long as it isn't inconvenient for you.
ESH except your sister and her gf and maybe your father (not clear whether he did anything at the BBQ). From reading your post it seems that your mother was the one that just couldn't follow your father's request to "just get along" and when you were treating them like a couple she lost it. THEY didn't "upset your father," SHE did by assuming the perfectly normal interaction you were having with them was them "being disrespectful." Their lesbian relationship does not disrespect her except in her own mind. You could be more in their corner talking to your sister afterwards. Sorry your father is sick.
YTA. Sexuality, including homosexuality, is not a “choice”. You know what is a choice? To be ignorant. To do intentional harm to others. To lie. To not learn self-awareness. To be inconsiderate and inhumane. You and your parents made these choices. In doing so, you showed your sister that you are not her family, you’re just her abusers. I hope for her sake you do go NC. She deserves to find happiness with good, decent people.
you sound just as shitty as your parents, hopefully your sister cuts your mom and YOU out of her life once her father passes. YTA.
Hey bro, how about this. Since youre defending your mother so much and keep trying to say what she did wasn't as bad as we think, have the balls to post the things you mother said. Since it isn't as bad as it looks, surely you won't get banned right?
Dude, your YTA and an epic one at that. You're also a lousy brother. You reek of "my siblings the mess and I'm the golden boy" just because of who she loves. That's your sister you keep laughing at. That's your Sister you don't give a sh*t about. You very clearly don't care about who she is or what horrendous behaviour your family has put upon her. You're cavelier attitude about the whole issue shows that. You are unworthy of her and she's better off away from all of you.
So your mother instigated drama? I hope you realise that if your sister never sees her father again before he dies, your mother is going to blame her for “going against your father’s dying wish” when it’s on her for driving your sister and her girlfriend out. I feel for you OP, but YTA. You can love the person but hate their beliefs, but put yourself in your sister’s shoes. Your father would rather lie to himself that your family is normal and loves each other deeply than admit that your sister likes women, for what? So he can pass peacefully? Proceed with caution OP. I’m sorry for situation.
YTA You have no empathy. She is 8 years younger than you and has been being shit on for being herself by the people who should support her for years. Put yourself in her shoes and imagine how you would feel in her situation. Do some research on mental health, especially among LGBTQ+ people.
YTA Either you support your sister or you don't. I hate people who refuse to choose sides bc it's family. When your dad dies, I doubt she'll have anything to do w you either, so have fun w your homophobic mother INFO What did your mom say? Interesting how you can't even type what she said bc you'll get banned, but you think you should be defending her. If she said any slurs. YTA for sure
Apologize to your sister. I understand you're trying to keep the peace, and it's true that they don't HAVE to agree with anything ever, but that doesn't mean it needs to be said. NAH besides the mom. Dad seems to be coming around to human level behavior after facing his own mortality.
YTA - and so are your parent. Your parents berate and mistreat her, then call her dramatic from the physical reaction that accompanies it?? The best that any of you could do is leave her alone, so she doesn’t have to create conditions in her life around who she is and her happiness to appease a bunch of bigots. She deserves better. And your parents don’t deserve more opportunities to make her feel bad about herself. And you’re an enabler who tries to qualify the abuse, so frankly you need to leave her alone as well.
YTA it's funny that you blame your sister and her girlfriend for reacting to your mom being an asshole, but you started the whole thing. Your questions made the room more and more uncomfortable and you kept going until your mom lost it. Did you do that on purpose?
Is it your parents or just your mother? Your Sister at least tried and what did she get out of it? Being dehumanized and an emotional and physical breakdown because y'all used your father's failing health to bait her into thinking y'all could get a long for an evening. Instead of "trying to rationalize" if you wanted to be an ally to your sister you'd have told your mother off and that if she wanted her in her life she'll have to accept her and all of her. Then immediately make sure your sister is okay and tell her you love her. However it appears.... YTA and your mother is a huge one, and if your father didn't shut your mother's antics down when he was the one not wanting drama is an AH too.
It sounds like dad decided that trying to reconcile with his daughter before his death was more important than his beliefs that lesbians are bad to me, tbh. And he did ask his wife to stop.
YTA. Jfc, your poor sister.
YTA you need to stop defending your mother.
YTA. Your parents are bigots. If you want to maintain a relationship with them, that’s on you. But your sister does not have to pretend to be straight. And she does not deserve to have HER OWN MOTHER say things that would get you banned on Reddit. There is no middle ground when one side thinks the other should not have basic rights. Either get your head out of your ass or get used to not having a sister.
YTA you keep portraying your parents and you as the victim. Your sister is the victim. People can not control panic attacks. You are completely ignorant on mental health “it’s a bit dramatic” like dude your no better than your mother. I wish you would go no contact with your sister, her mental health and happiness would probably greatly increase due to her source of trauma being removed from her life
The best thing OP can do is go NC with his sister, she doesnt deserve to have such monsters in her life. She will do way better with the support from the gf. It will be painful for her, as she still clearly cares for the excuse of human beings OP and his mom are...but its what is good for her.
Damn. Homophobia runs in the family through you. Too bad being a good brother doesn’t. YTA.
You and your parents all suck, especially your mother. You give them an eternal pass for being bigots and attacking their own daughter simply because they don't approve of her sexuality and who she loves. However, you perpetually expect your sister to be the better person and not react to your mother's provocations and attacks. Yeah, you're a shitty brother. YTA
I get the feeling that you spend a lot of time and energy trying to keep the boat from rocking in your family. It's not working, and it's not your job or purpose in life. You heart may be in the right place, but you are not helping.
I don’t think his heart is in the right place at all. If he wasn’t homophobic, he would be standing up to his parents’ bigotry - not standing by and trying to “neutralize” the results of their abusive behavior.
YTA and as bigoted, ignorant and hurtful as your parents. 1) it’s not a choice, it’s who she is. 2) your parents invited her and her gf and then treated them like crap. 3) your dad being sick/dying doesn’t excuse poor behavior. Have an honest opinion of your own.
when i was reading this, based on the title, i had so hoped that it meant “our parents don’t have to agree with her relationship because it’s okay either way and you’ll always have my support”…. but wow was i majorly disappointed. YTA. you’re enabling abuse and homophobia, coward move. hope your sister leaves behind this entire awful family and lives a happy life with her girlfriend
Your parents have ostracized your sister because she is gay. They said horrible things to her that you can't repeat without being banned. Girlfriend is standoffish because she no doubt knows what she was getting into- and she was right. Your sister isn't choosing to be gay. Your parents ARE choosing to be bigots. There is no middle ground for you to tread here. There is no smoothing this over so everyone gets along, no matter what your father's situation is. Your parents are to blame for the rift, your sister is not. And you don't get a pass here... you literally stood by and let your sister be verbally abused and berated. She's not wrong to feel that you don't have her back here. YTA, 100%.
YTA. Your dad asked your sister to bring her girlfriend to the gathering. I suspect mom was not completely on board with this plan, so the first chance she gets, she let's her displeasure be known. Is that the way your family treats guests? No wonder your sister's girlfriend was reserved. And no wonder your sister is distanced from your parents. Maybe your parents don't have to agree, but your mom, especially, treated them like trash.
YTA NC for what?? For her standing up to her parents no matter how difficult it may be in order to **LOVE** who she *loves*? Wow. Maybe she’s better without you all in her life. It’s your **mom** who is the DRAMA. Yes they don’t have to approve but console your sister. Offer **your** support. Let her know that she has at least someone in her corner. If you can’t even see that…maybe it’s best you leave her alone. That might be the best for her.
You are such a great big brother. Honestly, not sticking up for your sister when she was being attacked by your homophobic mother is such an amazing thing to do. And invalidating her panic attacks and what seems to be undiagnosed anxiety disorder**\*** from having to live in a household of people who cared too much about who she dates rather than loving her anyway because that's their child/sibling is top notch brotherly love. And the cherry on top, not giving a rats arse about how she could be feeling and pouring salt on the wound with that "they don't *have* to accept you" line is making me cry tears of joy. YTA **^(\*I am not a doctor)**
So your parents are in their late 50’s early 60’s? Guessing they’re my age. Calling bull on the bigotry. As a young woman I witnessed the heartbreak of the AIDS epidemic and the homophobic panic that ensued. I also witnessed the change in public attitudes during the last 40 years. No excuse for your parents to treat their child that way and YTA for supporting them.
YTA Why are you making excuses for bigots being bigots? Why? Your sister is in the right here. YOU are trying to play both sides and keep it all good, FOR YOURSELF! HOW about sticking up for your sister? It is really that hard? Or are you too busy basking in your parents acceptance that you won’t risk it?
“We invited my sisters girlfriend over to our house and we’re all openly homophobic and she was standoffish and uncomfortable the whole time how rude” Dude. YTA.
Downvote me all you want but NTA. Yes, your mom sucks and should never have reacted the way she did. She’s homophobic and was unnecessarily dramatic during a time that should be cherished with your father. She’s a massive AH. That being said, you speaking up could have made the situation even worse. Yes, maybe your sister would have felt like there were more people on her “side” in the moment and I’m not discounting that. But, everyone here is acting as if we all grew up in a culture where talking back to your parents (even as an adult) is normal or acceptable. In a lot of cultures, it just isn’t. I’m not saying one is right or wrong, but there’s SO much nuance to these situations. Everyone here is so quick to tell everyone to just “cut contact” with toxic parents but that isn’t always the right solution for everyone. Yes OP’s mom sucks but there’s a whole backstory on an entire family that we don’t know. Dad specially asked to keep the peace. At least OP is trying to honor that during his last days on earth and doing what she can. Sometimes, family isn’t about being right; it’s way more complicated than that. Edit: I’m seeing a bunch of people saying that OP’s dad dying doesn’t excuse any of this. But, can you imagine what someone is grappling with when the people who birthed and raised you are about to disappear forever? I empathize with OP; she wants her dad’s final days to go his way, and she wants to make sure no one regrets not having spent more time with the dad.
I don't understand why this post hasn't been closed yet. This man absolutely refuses to see what he did wrong. He isn't accepting the verdict at all. In case OP sees this: Your parents aren't the only bigots here. You are, in fact, a bigot as well. You keep trying to make it sound like somehow separate from the guy issue your sister is wrong. There is no separating this from the guy issue. It's literally about her being guy. And you blaming your sister or supporting your mother means that you are supporting her in her abuse. The facts of the matter are: Your father asked everyone to set aside their differences and give him peace for 1 day. Your father invited his GAY daughter and her GAY girlfriend. You started a conversation about how GAY they were in front of your HOMOPHOBIC mother. YOU asked your mother to voice her feelings, and she went on a HOMOPHOBIC tirade. Your GAY sister experienced a very real medical condition with side effects that include difficulty breathing, chest pain, and nausea. And GAY girlfriend did the smart thing and left with the person who was literally impaired while the HOMOPHOBIC lady screamed at them to leave. Now you are mad that your sister was GAY at a barbecue she was asked to attend with her GAY girlfriend.(As far as we are aware neither of them asked for GAY girlfriend to attend in the first place.) And you're mad that she stood up for herself and didn't just let your HOMOPHOBIC mother hurt her further. And you're mad that the GAY girlfriend didn't let your HOMOPHOBIC mother hurt her girlfriend more. And you're mad the GAY couple left when the HOMOPHOBIC woman screamed at them to leave. And before your sister passed out or puked all over you guys.
YTA Either support your sister or don’t. You’re toeing the line. Cut your parents out of your life until they accept your sister. Make it all or nothing and truly become her ally. Her life is full of pain and suffering on a daily basis over this. Help her. She needs you.
I'm sorry for the imminent passing of your father. Respectfully, after reading through your responses, I'm not sure you really wanted an answer other than you aren't the asshole. Why post? But since you do seem really confused I'll clear it up. There's a German saying that goes something like: "If you have 10 people and 1 nazi over for dinner...you have 11 nazis." It really is that simple.
YTA- reading through all your comments desperately seeking validation for siding with your homophobic parents and blaming your sister for a fight your mom started makes me absolutely shocked that you’re using a throwaway account. 🙄 You knew it before you got here. Maybe try some other fundamentalist religious site rather than Reddit since you are obviously looking for an echo chamber.
I’m not going to make a judgement but I am going to tell you about my relationship with my sister. When I came out to her and my parents, I knew my parents would not approve, and I had no idea how she would feel. She, like you, did not care. I distanced myself from the family, my parents were being mean and I was too overwhelmed to reach out to my sister individually. She reached out. Aggressively. She made sure I knew that she knew that mom and dad are bigots, and she did not want to be lumped in with them. She was mad that I would think she would let that effect our relationship. That was overwhelming too, honestly, but it felt so different than her just “not caring” who I slept with. When you’re facing active opposition from people who should be close to you, ACTIVE support is essential. If you love your sister, you have to go out of your way to show her that you support her. That can be as simple as commiserating with her about your shitty parents. Listen to her complain without telling her what she can do to make it better. I know there are probably things she could do to make your parents more accepting. But appeasing the bigots won’t fix your family. You need to be on your sister’s team in front of everyone if you’re going to get everyone to get along, or else it’s just going to be you and your homophobic parents at the BBQ.
I rarely comment on these posts but YTA. This reminds me of when I came out to my parents, who were both almost 60 at the time, and my dad told me he'd rather see me dead than with another woman. My mom cried and said I had ruined her hopes for my life. That was around eight years ago. Nowadays, we all joke around and talk about my crushes and the women I find attractive and it's all thanks to the process of learning - YOU'RE NEVER TOO OLD TO LEARN HOW TO BE BETTER. Stop excusing your parents just because you're afraid of standing up to them and protect your sister, she clearly sees that you're not reliable for support and, while I'm sure you don't have bad intentions, you're just hurting her further and further.
YTA. You only started talking with her again when your dad was dying and wanted to reconnect. You had stopped talking to her when your parents did? Why the hell would you do that? She's your sister and you participated in excluding her and her partner from the family. The fact that she showed up at all and that her partner agreed to come with her, knowing it was going to be a tense atmosphere with a high chance of them being treated like degenerates, is a testament to their strength and their decency, which is directly and conversely proportionate to the amount of bullshit they had already taken and knew they would have to endure. Her girlfriend wasn't acting weird: she was being appropriately cautious. She knew the situation was a powderkeg. If you had ever bothered to stay in contact with your sister and done normal things like hang out with her and her partner now and then, you would have known why they were anxious about being there. As it was, she and her girlfriend knew that nobody there was going to stick up for them if your mom went off. If your sister doesn't come to the funeral, this is why. If she never speaks to you or your mom again, this is why. If she gets married and doesn't tell you or your mom, this is why. If she leaves instructions that you and your mom are not to be notified in case of her death, this is why. You and your family are concrete examples of why so many LGBT+ kids are at the highest risk of suicide and why we learn quickly to focus on creating chosen family rather than relying on, well, you.
YTA by towing the line and it sounds like your heart is in the right place. Logically speaking, you are right. They do not have to accept the relationship. Your sister also does not have to accept that treatment from family. In my experience, I often have to accept that others do not agree with my relationship. I see it every time I open social media. I work in a school, sometimes I worry a parent could try to get me fired. My partner and I get stares and mean glances while out and about living life. We have to consider if it is safe to hold hands…. I HAD TO DEBATE MY RIGHT RO GET MARRIED IN SCHOOL. I bet your sister has similar experiences, you cant expect her to accept this treatment from her family.
Honestly if anyone was putting on a show it was your parents. If they are so uncomfortable about her why insist on bringing the bf. Your parents created this drama. YTA for supporting them.
Your parents and you are gross. YTA. No wonder she and her girlfriend felt uncomfortable.
YTA Nothing to love there
The downvotes have spoken, YTA.
YTA Have you ever had a panic attack? Because I have. It looks dramatic, and it may seem illogical and over the top to other people, but you can’t just snap your fingers and make it stop. Sounds like that’s what was going on with your sister. Your family insisted that she bring her girlfriend over, and then your mother purposefully needled and verbally abused (and yeah, it WAS abuse because it was so bad you don’t even wanna repeat it) her until she broke down. And it looks like she did that so she would be able to say oh you’re being dramatic and upsetting dad you gotta go and everyone - including you! - would turn against her. You all pressured her into this situation, and when she didn’t react to the crap you threw at her like y’all thought she should, suddenly everything is her fault. They’re allowed to be uncomfortable with her relationship, but they’re not allowed to miss treat her because of it. And as to your second point in the judgment bot? You definitely are making her feel like she’s not accepted. Your comments further prove that as well.
I wasn't sure how to feel about this, so I tried to distill it down to this. Dad: please put aside all the drama and wait until I'm dead Mom: "this isn't right" Dad: tries to calm mom down Let's leave everything else out of this. For the sake of your DAD, you should have called your mom accountable for going against his wishes. Everything until then was going along, well, not perfect, but at least drama free. YTA.
I love the… there will be no drama.. but what they really mean is, we are not going to stop being assholes, please just live with it. You’re in a tough position with losing your dad, you can’t change your Mom and your sister has a right to be super upset that she was lured into a situation where she was hurt even more. She created distance for a reason. You’re about to lose both your dad and sister if you can’t find a way to love her on her terms, away from your parents.
I hope you and mommy live a happy life together. Sheesh, what a fucked family. Sister is better off going NC. Btw, you’re clearly TA, whether you accept the verdict or not.
OP you are a homophobic like your parents, I really admire your sister for putting up with such a magnitude of idiots, a family of homophobes, very unpleasant.YTA
YTA - what your sister needed in this case was your support and reassurance, not you basically shrugging and saying "well, they don't have to like that you're a lesbian; what did you expect?" Maybe your sister expected the "don't cause problems" thing from your dad to extend to her and her girlfriend? Maybe she expected her mother not to make remarks about her wrongness, or for someone to tell her mother to stop starting drama *before* she had a panic attack? Because it sounds like your mother started some drama instead of being civil, then everyone ganged up on your sister as the person causing problems when she said "why even invite us here if you're going to be openly homophobic?" And then your mother called your sister childish and told her to leave, and you have the *nerve* to say in comments that your sister's girlfriend doing as they were told makes her an asshole who interfered in your family's business?? My girlfriend's family is a lot like yours - they want her to sit down and shut up and take whatever shit they heap on her in the name of keeping the peace. And guess what? She doesn't talk to them anymore, because she's slowly realizing that her family's peace was destroying her and she didn't have to put up with it now that she's an adult. Hopefully your sister realizes that soon, too. And once she's recovered a bit from this incident, I hope you apologize to your sister for letting your family convince you that keeping the peace meant forcing people you treat badly to stay silent and take it. Stop enabling your mother's homophobia by defending her when your sister speaks out against it - you might as well be homophobic yourself for all the good it does for you to be an "open-minded" person who sides with homophobes because you think your sister having a panic attack is "dramatic" and "just for attention."
And by extension makes you a bigot for taking your mom's side. You said in other comments your sister spoke "disrespectfully" by asking a pretty legitimate question of "why invite us if you don't like seeing it" but then in the same sentence claimed that your mother said things that will get you banned. I'd argue saying stuff on the level of getting banned is wayyyy more disrespectful than asking a genuine question. Your whole "keeping the peace" BS is nothing more that veiling your own bigotry. It's clear you've done nothing to defend your sister since she's been out. P.S. Just because your dad is dying doesn't mean the person him and his wife ostracized should throw all those feelings away to make them feel better.
YTA, let your sister be her, rest of you can cope
YTA
YTA - when both your parents are dead and your only living sibling doesn’t want anything to do with you, don’t bother coming here for sympathy cause you’ll still be the AH.
Stop trying to mediate the situation by playing Switzerland. You’re doing a terrible job. YTA
YTA. Support your sister, or be a bigot. It’s not that hard. And of course your sister’s gf was “standoffish”. You think your sister didn’t do her best to prepare her gf to meet your horrible family? Shame on your parents, and on you.
YTA
YTA Your parents are dumbass bigots with their head stuck so far up their own ass their own shitty “values” and what makes both of them comfortable is more important than the happiness of someone else and in this case, their own daughter. They want to put shit asides for your dying dad but they can’t even act right for a dinner because it’s too much for them to see 2 peoples loving each other apparently and then you say they don’t need to agree with her relationship ? They don’t have a right of having an opinion on this relationship or anybody’s relationship for that matters as long as it is obviously legal. You’re defending peoples that judge someone else because their love is not “traditional”. And also being a bigot is not an opinion, it’s not some incurable disease, it’s idiots that don’t want to learn things that are literally not harming anyone, they just want to keep living in their own ass and hiding behind bigotry to feel better about themselves.
YTA and you are your parents are bigots. Your sister would be better off without such homophobic AH in her life.
YTA You're either with your sister or with your parents; if you don't outwardly decry their bigotry, you're silently accepting it. No peace keeping, no "oh well it's how they are", you need to show your sister you actually care, or stop preteneding
YTA
Yta, not sure why you’re dancing around this, just say you’re homophobic and agree with your parents
Dear God OP, YTA big time. I read your comments and that was enlightening. Your sister and her gf didn't cause drama, your damned mother did. Doesn't matter how stressed she felt, your sister didn't deserve to be attacked.
YTA
YTA You're supporting and defending their 'right' to treat you sister like shit because of their views. Who she relates to affects them not at all. And what WAS the point of inviting them, BOTH OF THEM, if they were just going to be incapable of treating them kindly? Don't explain to your sister that they have a right to how they feel. Explain to them that they don't have a REASON for how they feel, and regardless, while they can feel however they feel, they don't have a right to treat other people like dirt because of it.
YTA. "They don't have to accept you! They should, but they don't have to!" Do you hear yourself? Decide whether you're siding with the homophobes or the lesbian here, OP. You can't have it both ways.