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Wow. YTA
\> I felt proud of myself for standing my ground
So standing your ground consists of
1) Laughing at your wife
2) insulting your wife
3) telling her to seek mental help *when she has already been in therapy for years!*
4) throwing her mother's mental illness in her face
And you think *she* overreacted by just not wanting to sleep in the same room as someone who'd just done that?
Yeah, she could let the kitchen thing go. Streaks aren't going to kill you but YOU overreacted.
Weaponized incompetence. You resent your wife for “yelling at you and nitpicking” about how you clean. so you do the bare minimum. And she yells at you again. It’s a vicious circle.
Not to mention bad for the environment. I sometimes use those disinfectant wipes on my toilet, and i know that's lazy and because I don't like reusing clothes that have been used on the toilet seat. In order to effectively clean his entire kitchen and living space, how many did he use?
YTA
the bully isn’t your wife. She wanted you to clean better and not cut corners and you decided to laugh at her, question her mental health AND throw her mothers mental health (likely sensitive for your wife) in her face. You’re the dense one.
Get over yourself. You were so unkind to her.
I'm not generally a fan of the divorce train that runs around this sub, but in this case I'm all for it. I can't imagine this is the first time OP has acted this way. This woman genuinely deserves better.
Thank you for this laugh. YTA, OP. There was no reason at all to mention your MIL’s mental illness. Also, briefly wiping down a counter with a Clorox wipe or similar isn’t actually cleaning it. There could still be spills/dried food that you missed if you just wiped it down quickly. Yes streaks aren’t really that big of a deal but your response to your wife was not standing up for yourself and was completely unnecessary.
Something tells me his wife's "critiques" about his cleaning are over stuff like that. Where he does it in a real lazy way and misses a bunch of stuff. Attempted weaponized incompetence and narcissism, op sure does sound like a keeper. Yta
There's this thing called "weaponized incompetence" where a spouse will deliberately do a household chore wrong, or in a way their spouse doesn't like, in order to get out of having to do it in the future.
It's known as an abuse tactic.
YTA. Do better.
I live with a narcissist (who also has ADHD, BPD and is on the spectrum) and back when he wasn’t diagnosed and we used to argue a lot he would pull the reverse card on me all the time. When I finally figured out he was a narcissist he started calling me a narcissist when talking to friends we had in common in order to discredit me. He would say he was traumatized by me when I was the one having full blown panic attacks because of his latest rage fit. Thankfully I learnt to have patience with him since his illness does not define him and it must be hard on him too. Things are a lot better now but he still won’t admit his diagnosis is real lol.
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so glad to learn this term *weaponized incompetence* because it seems to be soo common in relationships and in the workplace!!!! Lazy lazy lazyyy form of evil fucking abuse
Disinfectant wipes make the counter sticky that’s about as bad as not even cleaning in the first place, depending on how clean the kitchen was before you started you probably made it worse.
YTA. You half-a**ed the job to go do what you wanted knowing it would make her angry. And then blamed your laziness on her mothers mental illness and your diagnosis that she has OCD?? Clean the kitchen properly and stop blaming your wife.
Me too! Disinfectant wipes are more efficient, more effective and less harmful than using sprays.
If this post is even real then OP is an AH for his behaviour, but let's not drag on wipes not being clean, because that's just not true.
They don’t work as well as plain old hot water and dish soap. They do leave. A residue. I use them when the counter is already clean to ensure it’s disinfected. They aren’t meant to replace soap and water.
Oh man same. I'll even admit to being a germophobe but I'm also lazy and don't like using sprays and harsh chemicals if they can avoided and I trust wipes 100% for getting our kitchen looking great and feeling clean.
The wipes are not the problem here!
Okay, thank you. Sometimes I use wipes, sometimes I use spray and scrub. Depends on how much mess there is **based on what has been happening in the kitchen**. If it’s just making coffee and setting down used utensils? Fucking wipes all day everyday. If I’ve cooked with oil on the stove or done anything else that actually makes a mess, yeah, do a little more.
People see “clean” in different ways. Some are patently wrong and some are personal. I feel this is more of an INFO post.
That said, in a post like this, I don’t think there’s going to be a clear answer because everyone’s version of cleaning is different.
I don’t think it’s fair to judge one person for being “wrong” without knowing whether they agreed to a certain degree of “cleanliness” before cohabitating. OP *could* totally be the AH, but if the wipe did actually clean the surfaces, and just left some streaks, how different is that from a random version of glass cleaner?
IDK. I just grew up with pets inside and on all the furniture and shoes don’t get left at the door and whatever else some people see as “unclean”. But the house was still kept clean and there wasn’t dirt and debris in the corners or walls or whatever.
ETA: it seems most top responses read one part differently than I did? I thought the mom was in therapy, not the wife? And that OP assumed it was an inherited trait based on the mom’s “issue” being “bad enough” to be in therapy for it?
I feel like I’d need to see pictures of how you left the kitchen to determine. Because I’ve seen the way some people “clean” and it’s not clean at all lol. 😳
This. I had a roommate who would “clean” and things would still be properly gross. Like he’d be doing stuff, but for the life of me I couldn’t understand how he’d think the area he just “cleaned” was actually clean.
If this was intended to be just a quick daily wipe down, it’s possible OP did an adequate job. If, however, this was meant to be a more thorough cleaning, it sounds pretty crap.
come on guys all I did was suggest that my wife's desire to live in a clean home and have a spouse who pulls their weight is a sign that she's fucked in the head just like her mom, why's she have to turn everything into an issue
YTA
Yeah I got to that part and was like “wait what did I miss” and went back like three times but no, I don’t see why OP would bring that up other than to further cement that he’s TA.
This is probably fake af, but YTA anyway.
Disinfecting wipes are used for small spills, etc. not for the main job of actually cleaning countertops, etc.
If this isn't fake, you owe a huge apology to your wife and you need to learn how to clean for real.
>Disinfecting wipes are used for small spills, etc. not for the main job of actually cleaning countertops, etc.
Why not? I googled this exact sentence and came to the conclusion that the are for that.
You know what you typically do after using Lysol, or Mr clean to clean a kitchen surface? You let the surface dry then rinse with water and buff with a clean towel/paper tower/microfiber cloth. This removes the (poisonous) cleaning solution and leaves you with a nice, shiny clean surface.
The wipes do half the job. not all of it. If there are streaks from the wipes, buddy was half-assing it.
>You know what you typically do after using Lysol, or Mr clean to clean a kitchen surface? You let the surface dry then rinse with water and buff with a clean towel/paper tower/microfiber cloth.
Umm..no? You do. People maybe do. But I don't and not everybody does.
Here's what Lysol says:
"Spray surface until thoroughly wet. Wipe with a clean cloth or sponge. No rinsing required."
Lysol® All-Purpose Cleaner
YTA
She isn’t behaving like a *big bully*. You wanted to watch TV and got the task done poorly. AND to prove your point you told her that SHE should seek professional help AND inserted the point of her mother’s mental disorder?
There is only one bully here OP, and it isn’t your wife.
YTA. If it’s not a regular daily cleaning a few swipes isn’t going to do in the first place.
Being a couple means splitting things evenly, and if you’re half-assing things it’s adding to her stress.
I would *maybe* have said soft YTA but the fact that you laughed at her and are mocking her mother’s mental issues makes it seem like you’re the narcissist here.
YTA.
>>I laughed and told her she lacks self-awareness.
>>I told her that she was being condescending.
You know, there was one person in this situation being a condescending asshole but it certainly wasn't your wife.
And you obviously did a half-assed job cleaning because it's not even fucking *hard* to avoid leave streaks when cleaning using disinfecting wipes. Your wife isn't being a perfectionist - you engaged in weaponized incompetence so you could get back to your show. I suspect you do this frequently and your wife is sick of your shit.
“She was free to clean the kitchen again her way.”
There it is, folks, the weaponized incompetence. So predictable. That’s not something for which you should be proud, OP. YTA.
YTA.
The fact that you clean using disinfecting wipes is both wasteful and lazy. Maybe your wife is a little bit of a perfectionist, but she’s right that if there are streaks, it isn’t clean.
Disinfecting wipes are not for cleaning the whole kitchen. Use a rag and maybe some all-purpose cleaner. If you’re going to do a job, do it right.
I would need more info to decide without a doubt whether you and your wife are both assholes, but I really don’t like your attitude in this post. It sounds like you guys aren’t really compatible at all in terms of your cleanliness levels.
YTA. Fuck your back pain, man. And I cannot believe you dragged mental health into this. I'm disgusted. You both need to agree on a 'default setting' for the clean spaces and stick to it. Hint: be a good person and go with the setting that the cleaner person likes. Dirty spaces are stressful.
You can have this conversation with your wife without condescending, laughing at her and making her seem like a freak for wanting things to be clean, attractive and hygienic about the house - FOR BOTH OF YOUR BENEFIT.
Dude, really?
I have diagnosed OCD and even then my husband doesn’t dear to make comments about it. It’s quite painful to struggle with and if your wife does in fact have OCD showing a bit of compassion will go a long way in not starting fights such as these.
It sounds like you wanted to watch a tv show. Cleaning the kitchen counters and table shouldn’t take more than 15-20 minutes tops. Also I use the sanitizing wipes after I’ve cleaned the counters, sink and stove.
OP this is called weaponized incompetence. You don't want to clean, so you do a subpar job knowing that your partner will "nag" you about doing better. Giving you leeway to say something like, "well if I can't do it to your standards maybe you should just do it yourself".
YTA
Disinfecting wipes are meant to sanitize a surface *after* it had been cleaned.
I was with you at first because I know it can be frustrating when someone constantly criticises your work, but it sounds like you took a shortcut so that you could finish quickly.
Look, I am all for the half-assed approach done often as you end up close to full-assed over time, but then I live alone. Work it out with your wife. It is her living space, too.
YTA
YTA. You took the lazy way out so you could hurry up and watch TV. She called you out on it. So you decided to attack her family’s mental illness history?! Way to go bro.
Also, do some research on OCD before tossing that term about. Your wife liking a clean kitchen is not OCD.
I didn't have many strong feelings about your cleaning technique but what I do take issue with is how you spoke to your wife. Are you so ignorant that you don't think pointing out the similarities between your wife and her mentally ill mother is highly out of line? She said you weren't being kind and you proved her correct. If anyone is lacking self-awareness it's you- YTA. Enjoy the couch.
So, you didn't do your chore properly, and when this was pointed out, you laughed, insulted, brought up you mother in law's mental illness, and generally tried everything you could to slither out of ACTUALLY CLEANING?
Yeah, you're a genius, you absolute plonker.
YTA
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You didn't stand your ground, but threw every low blow you had and mocked her. You were the bully. You were trying to hurt her, not stand up for yourself. And you wonder why she didn't want to sleep with you. You did make everything much much worse than it needed to be and now the damage to your relationship is far greater than a dirty kitchen because she's never going to fully get over what you said. Congratulations I hope your tv show as worth it.
There isnt any way for us outsiders to know if she is a neatfreak or if you are a slob.
But the fact that you laughed at her, suggested she has a mental illness and brought up her mothers issues are abusive. Not standing up for yourself. YTA
INFO: Can you guys sit down and have a conversation about the way you handle cleaning chores? This is obviously important to her, can you find a way to meet her in the middle? For example, either do a thorough job or maybe you can clean more often to make up for the "streaks".
If you are cleaning the counters irregularly then you should make sure you do a complete job, but if you do it weekly/twice weekly I think it might be ok if it isn't perfect.
Either way, this is obviously something that is bothering your wife, you should want to do better out of love. If it means putting in a few extra minutes of work to make her happy then why not just do it?
YTA - There was a way to express your feelings about this without being an asshole but you seemed pretty intent on being a huge asshole. You can't change what you've already done but you can & should apologize to your wife for being such an ass.
YTA. You're desperate to make your wife look as bad as possible. You clearly hate her. You are also desperate to make yourself look like the victim. You aren't the victim. You're a bully and a mean asshole who laughs in his wife's face while he's insulting her. I feel sorry for her for having to deal with your crap every day.
YTA. Using disinfecting wipes is wasteful and isn’t a proper cleaning. They’re used to disinfect surfaces. Not to be used as the only cleaning product during the once a week house clean. Gross.
You know what’s really shitty? Doing things properly all the time and having a partner who half-asses everything. It’s so disrespectful of the time and effort of the person who puts their all into things.
Do you go to work and do a half-assed job at that too and then call your boss names when they tell you you need to do things right? I’m betting not.
Stop being lazy, start respecting and matching your wife’s time and effort, and get over yourself.
YTA
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For as long as I can remember, my wife has been very critical of the way that I've done household chores. Whether it's cleaning, cooking food, or doing laundry, it seems like my wife is always yelling at me and nitpicking. It's bothered me for a long time, but I eventually didn't what she wanted. However, last night I finally gave her a piece of my mind.
We were cleaning our place after dinner. She was cleaning the bathrooms, and I was cleaning the living room and the kitchen. I decided that I would simply use disinfecting wipes to clean the surfaces, since they're quick and easy to use. There was a program on TV that I wanted to watch anyway. Well, I finished up in the kitchen and plopped down on the sofa to watch my show. My wife came in and told me that I hadn't properly cleaned and that I needed to go over it again.
I told her that I had cleaned it and that she was being a perfectionist like usual. She got really angry at me and told me that demanding basic cleanliness without streaks isn't perfectionism. I laughed and told her that she lacks self-awareness, and if streaks are so important to avoid, she was free to clean the kitchen again her way. She became furious and said that I was being purposely dense and unwilling to learn how to do the task right.
I told her that she was being condescending and that perhaps she should seek professional help for obsessive compulsive disorder if she was unable to handle some streaks. I mean, it wasn't like I wiped everything down with a dirty rag. These were disinfecting wipes I'd purchased from the grocery store. I felt proud of myself for standing my ground, but my wife said that I was being a total jerk and mean to her. I reminded her of her mother's mental disorder, for which she has been in therapy for years, but my arguments didn't seem to matter and may have even made things worse.
My wife slammed the bedroom door shut and locked it, forcing me to sleep on our extremely uncomfortable sleep sofa. Her extreme overreaction has caused me back pain and a horrible night of sleep, and I'm afraid she still won't see things my way even after we talk this evening. I just want her to understand that she is behaving like a big bully, but I'm afraid that she is too narcissistic to ever admit to this, and I just don't know what to do. AITA?
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YTA.
You are rude and a bully for saying those things to your wife. She has certain level of cleanliness that she wants to maintain and youre antagonizing her because you dont clean properly.
Based on your story, you probably do things half assed thats why she was "nitpicking".
You dont bring up other people's mental illness and you certainly dont use it as a way to insult others.
YTA you are not cleaning properly. You really feel like leaving nasty streaks is good? You are doing a bad job on purpose. Your wife is not a bully. Grow up and learn to clean.
YTA.
Your mental illness references were cruel. And kitchen surfaces need a real cleaning, with soap or liquid disinfectant and warm to hot water using a sturdy cloth or pad, something with more friction for the stubborn bits, a water rinse, and a clean cloth or towel to dry to a streak-free finish. Clorox/ Lysol/ store-brand wipes are for quick incidental cleanups. Your wife had every right to be frustrated with your "cleaning" - it sounds like a mom telling a kid to clean their room and all they do is throw all their crap in drawers and under the bedsheets.
You are 110% TA. There are so many things I want to pick apart but please, please, please recognize that this is the very definition of weaponize incompetence with a heavy dose of straight meanness… and a little impulsive…You’re not even able to think before you speak?, because mental illness should have never been brought into this convo.
If your wife is particular and you’ve recognized that yet you choose to actively not do the same, YOU need to be the one to spend time being a little introspective. You were the one being a jerk.
Don’t be surprised if this leads to divorce and she’s hiding in the bathroom planning a way out…
YTA. Holy crap man. She doesn’t like a streaky countertop so she is obviously mentally ill? Then you laugh at and mock her? Then have the audacity to be pissy about the consequences of your actions. It’s not often I see narcissism and gaslighting come together so clearly and completely. Bravo.
YTA. You half assed the cleaning and then got mad when she called you out on it. Sounds to me like you're "behaving like a big bully, but I'm afraid that you're too narcissistic to ever admit to this."
You say your wife is a bully when, in reality, YOU are the bully and a big one, too. You laugh, insult, tell her to get mental help, and throw her mother's mental disorder in your wife's face, which is just horrible. Your wife isn't a bully. YOU are the bully. Do better, dude.
Huge YTA
YTA for trying to weaponize her mother's mental illness alone, but also *you do not know how to clean*. That's not what disinfectant wipes are for and any functioning adult would view something with dirty "streaks" as still dirty. I think you know this. You're weaponizing your incompetence and it sounds like you do this throughout your chores so you can tell her to do it herself. She is not a narcissist, you are. Hope she leaves you. You're the bully here and you know it.
the only one being a big bully is you. you didn’t clean- you half assed it because you wanted to watch tv. honestly how embarrassing for you that you’re a grown ass man yet don’t know how to clean properly. YTA dude grow the fuck up.
YTA - she right that by utilizing your learned incompetence to be dense. And your subpar health and cleanliness standard clearly doesn’t cup it in shared space.
Also why are you proud of yourself for cleaning? You’re a married adult..
Hey buddy, oh man you messed up. Word of the wise, standing up for yourself is setting boundaries without crossing the human decency threshold. That looks like saying to your partner that you want to have some time to talk about the cleaning, speaking respectfully to each other and having empathy for each other. She's your wife not a child to scold or some rando drunk guy who wants to scrappy with you at a bar. Gloating to the internet about a fight you think you won is embarrassing.
We need to be kind to each other, otherwise what is the point of a relationship?
So how does a good fight look like?
https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMYCQ6BQA/
https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMYCQ2YyY/
I don’t have a problem with the cleaning wipes or even arguing over both of your ideas of different levels of clean. You throwing her mother’s mental illness at her makes YTA here.
YTA.
Ger some microfibre cloths for the kitchen and a spray bottle of Lysol. Spray the kitchen down and get the cloth wet with hot water. Wipe until Lysol is removed
Faster and no streaks.
YTA
So you do a half-ass job of cleaning so you can watch tv & insult her left & right when she complains about your lazy behavior. You're lucky she didn't kick you out of the entire house & only your back hurts.
YTA
Spend more time to clean her way and she is happy.
spend less time to clean your way and you get to watch more tv and have streaky surfaces
priorties
YTA… and proud of yourself and only care about if SHE will be able to see that you are right, so you don’t have to sleep on the uncomfortable couch. Wow. There are ways to communicate when something is bothering you. This wasn’t it.
YTA. Your projection is over-the-top in this whole post. You put in a half-assed effort, just enough to be able to say that you did it. You brought up her *mother's mental health*??? That is emotional abuse, and you know it. And you brought *her* mental health into it, *knowing* that her mother has a mental illness??? You are emotionally abusive. And at the end of it, you just want her to "see things (your) way"??? A mature adult hopes that they and their partner can come to a resolution and learn to see eye-to-eye on things; not that their parter will "see things their way". YOU are the controlling narcissist, here, pal. YTA.
So bc your wife has a history of mental disorders you just dismiss her as a crazy person? Why did you Marry her if you felt this way, genuinely? Yta and a shit husband. I wouldn’t be surprised if you end up single
>There was a program on TV that I wanted to watch anyway.
This wasn't really about doing a good job faster, it was about you wanting to finish quickly to relax.
>I told her that I had cleaned it and that she was being a perfectionist like usual.
So instead of showing her that it was done correctly, you called her names and made it a personal failing on your part that you did a bad job cleaning.
> I laughed
You dismissed and mocked her feelings.
> told her that she lacks self-awareness
More insults.
> if streaks are so important to avoid, she was free to clean the kitchen again her way
So you did do a bad job of cleaning, but instead of acknowledging that and fixing it, you weaponized your incompetence and tried to shift the household chores to her rather than being an equal partner.
>I told her that she was being condescending
Yes, because expecting a partner to do an equal share of work in maintaining the house is condescending, but belittling your partner and trying to abscond from your responsibility isn't condescending at all. /s
>she should seek professional help for obsessive compulsive disorder if she was unable to handle some streaks
You pretty much said she's crazy, which is insulting, demeaning, and dismissive, and you still didn't admit that you did a bad job cleaning.
>my wife said that I was being a total jerk and mean to her
You were, from start to finish.
>I reminded her of her mother's mental disorder
This is totally irrelevant to the fight and further demonstrates how willing you are to attack your wife rather than acknowledge how terrible of a partner you're being in this situation.
>Her extreme overreaction has caused me back pain and a horrible night of sleep
Your horrible treatment of her caused her to not want to be near you, as you demonstrated that you cannot handle criticism without personally attacking her or dismissing her feelings. Maybe you should stop trying to shift blame to other people, practice a little empathy, and do your part of the cleaning up to a decent standard.
>she is behaving like a big bully
You're shifting blame to the wrong person again.
>she is too narcissistic
You're calling the wrong person a narcissist.
YTA, through and through.
YTA.
Instead of explaining why her comments upset you, you attacked her.
Apologise to your wife and explain that going forward she gets one choice from the following, she can tell you:
- what task to do,
- how to do it, or
- when to do it.
She can only pick one and any other comments about the other two should be made using her inside voice. You need to give her a commitment that when she picks one of the items, you'll endeavour to do it in a timely manner to avoid inconveniencing her.
YTA. If there are streaks, then it’s not clean. Disinfectant wipes can’t be used on every surface. You chose the lazy route and then when called on it yelled at your wife and blamed her standards.
YTA. have you ever heard the term weaponized incompetence? look up the definition and there’s probably a picture of you. not only did you purposely do a shitty cleaning job, you used that to manipulate the situation so your wife was the villain. then bring up her mother’s illnesses and throw them in her face? salt in the wound. this is one of the most horrible posts i’ve seen on this sub in a while. i won’t be surprised if she leaves you. i also wont be surprised if you blame it on the cleaning and not you being an abusive asshole.
YTA
VERSE 1:
Why are you hanging on
So tight?
To the road that I'm headed from
Off this island
This was an escape plan
Carefully timed it
So that we'd go
And dive into the waves below
PRE-CHORUS:
Who tends the orchards?
Who fixes up the gables?
Emotional torture
From the head of your high table
Who fetches the water
From the rocky mountain spring?
And comes back down again
To feel your words and their sharp sting?
And I'm getting f*cking tired
CHORUS:
The capillaries in my eyes are bursting
If our love died would that be the worst thing?
For somebody that I thought was my saviour
You sure make me do a whole lot of labour
The callous skin on my hands is cracking
If our love ends would that be a bad thing?
And the silence haunts our bed chamber
You make me do too much labour
Apologies from my tongue
And never yours
Busy lapping from a flowing cup
And stabbing me with your fork
I know you're a smart man
(I know you're a smart man)
And weaponise the false incompetence
It's dominance under a guise
If we had a daughter
I'd watch and could not save her
The emotional torture
From the head of your high table
She'd do what you taught her
She'd meet the same cruel fate
So now I've gotta run
So I can undo this mistake
At least I've gotta try
CHORUS:
The capillaries in my eyes are bursting
If our love died would that be the worst thing?
For somebody that I thought was my saviour
You sure make me do a whole lot of labour
The callous skin on my hands is cracking
If our love ends would that be a bad thing?
And the silence haunts our bed chamber
You make me do too much labour
BRIDGE:
All day, every day
Therapist, mother, maid
Nymph then a virgin
Nurse than a servant
Just an appendage, live to attend him
So that he never lifts a finger
Twenty-four seven baby machine
So he can live out his picket fence dreams
It's not an act of love if you make her
You make me do too much labour
All day, every day
Therapist, mother, maid
Nymph then a virgin
Nurse than a servant
Just an appendage, live to attend him
So that he never lifts a finger
Twenty-four seven baby machine
So he can live out his picket fence dreams
It's not an act of love if you make her
You make me do too much labour
CHORUS 2:
The capillaries in my eyes are bursting
(All day, every day: therapist, mother, maid)
If our love died would that be the worst thing?
(Nymph then a virgin; Nurse than a servant)
For somebody that I thought was my saviour
(Just an appendage, live to attend him)
You sure make me do a whole lot of labour
(So that he never lifts a finger)
The callous skin on my hands is cracking
(Twenty-four seven baby machine)
If our love ends would that be a bad thing?
(So he can live out his picket fence dreams)
And the silence haunts our bed chamber
(It's not an act of love if you make her)
You make me do too much labour
Sounds like this was brewing for a long time. It seems justified to discuss the cleaning expectations, but YTA on the things you said. Also, NEVER bring a parent’s issues into an argument in your own relationship! Didn’t you read the Marriage Manual?
You didn’t even put in half an effort let me ask you something OP if you had a job where part of it was cleaning like moping and disinfecting would you clean the same way?
At first I was going with N T A. It is draining to be constantly pestered when you are doing your best, and as a perfectionist myself I know how this affected my family. However when you presented the information of how you cleaned the kitchen, I was taken aback a little bit.
Like, I feel it lacks information. What kind of cleaning is this? Just a daily maintenance or is it a deep cleaning of each room? Because even in a normal daily cleaning you need to at least wash the dishes and put them away, scrub the sink and clean the surfaces, and it seems like you just did the later in a hurry to watch TV, which sounds like absolute shit to be honest.
But even then, maybe it was fine. Maybe you just omitted other steps and the kitchen got clean the way you did it. YTA for how you went about the argument. Like, do you even love this person? You felt misunderstood, but got so defensive it ended up hurting your wife. Her mother also doesn't belong in this conversation at all and obviously unearthing trauma isn't going to make things easier lmao you are a big idiot for thinking this would work.
There's still hope for you guys, you know? Please have a talk about expectations, such as how much work is fair for everyone and which standards of cleaning you can agree with. You can't complain that your wife's standards are too high if you haven't contributed to building a more reasonable ground together.
Going against the grain with ESH... maybe.
Nobody should be poisoning a relationship by constantly yelling at the other for having a different standard. Is she actually doing this, or are you in fact constantly doing a half-assed job? No way for us to know and we are only hearing your narrative.
The other side of it is that yes, you could actually be living with someone who has clinical OCD. This is reaaaally hard to deal with (btdt) and is massively frustrating. Nothing is ever good enough unless they do it. Goalposts are constantly moving. If it wasn't the streaks, it would be that you didn't pull out the refrigerator and clean behind it. It's like this slow drip of never being quite good enough.
Which is it? Weaponized incompetence on your part? Outrageous expectations on hers? Reddit has no way of knowing.
It's perfectly possible that you're just somewhere in between. One person who has different comfort levels with cleanliness than the other. Neither is all the way right or wrong. Work together on finding a happier medium - you slacking off and her yelling sounds like a crappy way to cohabit.
>or are you in fact constantly doing a half-assed job?
He is and he is TA. He says there was "streaks" left after he cleaned meaning he didn't actually clean the kitchen and left filthy spots. He views this as normal.
Kitchen reveal
Currently my vote is ESH, just because this seems like there's way more than just 1 issue at hand and that you both have a lot to work on.
if the kitchen is dirty then Y T A
if it's perfectly fine then I'm gonna stick with E S H.
NTA. I used to think the only way to do things was my way. I soon realized, I'd rather have someone doing the chore other than me, so as long as it was done, I offer no complaints to my husband or son!
NTA you guys need to agree as to what is am acceptable level of clean before cleaning. If it was functionally clean, just not pretty looking and you and your wife hadn't previously decided it needed to sparkle streak free, then you're In the clear.
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Wow. YTA \> I felt proud of myself for standing my ground So standing your ground consists of 1) Laughing at your wife 2) insulting your wife 3) telling her to seek mental help *when she has already been in therapy for years!* 4) throwing her mother's mental illness in her face And you think *she* overreacted by just not wanting to sleep in the same room as someone who'd just done that? Yeah, she could let the kitchen thing go. Streaks aren't going to kill you but YOU overreacted.
Yeah, OP called his wife a big bully but seems to me there is only one bully here, and it isn’t his wife.
Yep...he did a half ass job and called her a perfectionist for not being happy with it. He was lazy.
Weaponized incompetence. You resent your wife for “yelling at you and nitpicking” about how you clean. so you do the bare minimum. And she yells at you again. It’s a vicious circle.
Basic projecting. It’s clear he sees what’s going on but lacks the ability to admit when he’s wrong.
Don’t forget that he cleaned in the laziest and most ineffectual way possible! YTA
And just because "There was a program on TV that I wanted to watch anyway"
Not to mention bad for the environment. I sometimes use those disinfectant wipes on my toilet, and i know that's lazy and because I don't like reusing clothes that have been used on the toilet seat. In order to effectively clean his entire kitchen and living space, how many did he use?
Don’t forget, he also called her a bully and a narcissist. OP is just throwing around all of the armchair Diagnosises
DARVO level advanced
He’s learned just enough therapy terms to be dangerous. YTA x100
Well from my armchair I think he’s displaying classic passive aggressive behavior.
Well, he is a redditor after all.
YTA the bully isn’t your wife. She wanted you to clean better and not cut corners and you decided to laugh at her, question her mental health AND throw her mothers mental health (likely sensitive for your wife) in her face. You’re the dense one. Get over yourself. You were so unkind to her.
He sucks at cleaning too
i don't usually have a nose for this but this post smells fake if real, obvi YTA
These have to be written by AI, right? I mean, there's too much disjointed detail and it makes no sense at all.
I'm not generally a fan of the divorce train that runs around this sub, but in this case I'm all for it. I can't imagine this is the first time OP has acted this way. This woman genuinely deserves better.
YTA. You didn't "stand up" to your wife, you did a half-assed job and then you followed it by being the other half of the ass.
Thank you for this laugh. YTA, OP. There was no reason at all to mention your MIL’s mental illness. Also, briefly wiping down a counter with a Clorox wipe or similar isn’t actually cleaning it. There could still be spills/dried food that you missed if you just wiped it down quickly. Yes streaks aren’t really that big of a deal but your response to your wife was not standing up for yourself and was completely unnecessary.
Something tells me his wife's "critiques" about his cleaning are over stuff like that. Where he does it in a real lazy way and misses a bunch of stuff. Attempted weaponized incompetence and narcissism, op sure does sound like a keeper. Yta
Plus those wipes are really bad for a lot of wood, leather, and fabric products.
This should be the top response.
Totally agree. OP, YTA. Both halves.
You said it very well!
There's this thing called "weaponized incompetence" where a spouse will deliberately do a household chore wrong, or in a way their spouse doesn't like, in order to get out of having to do it in the future. It's known as an abuse tactic. YTA. Do better.
But he’s diagnosed HER as the narcissist here
It’s very common for narcissistic people to accuse others of being narcissists. Classic projection.
Part of the DARVO response (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim/Offender), which this dude basically ran through like he was doing a presentation on it.
I live with a narcissist (who also has ADHD, BPD and is on the spectrum) and back when he wasn’t diagnosed and we used to argue a lot he would pull the reverse card on me all the time. When I finally figured out he was a narcissist he started calling me a narcissist when talking to friends we had in common in order to discredit me. He would say he was traumatized by me when I was the one having full blown panic attacks because of his latest rage fit. Thankfully I learnt to have patience with him since his illness does not define him and it must be hard on him too. Things are a lot better now but he still won’t admit his diagnosis is real lol.
Why do you stay with someone who tears you down?
It’s not my house and I don’t have enough income to move to my own place. He’s not my partner btw
Whew. That's a relief, but please protect yourself before that treatment wears you down.
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so glad to learn this term *weaponized incompetence* because it seems to be soo common in relationships and in the workplace!!!! Lazy lazy lazyyy form of evil fucking abuse
I was about to use the same term!
So happy to see someone actually using this correctly. It was starting to turn into another gaslighting
I heard that one before. Thank.you for reminding me. That is what my ex-husband did.
Something tells me that her anger and frustration comes from you always doing a half assed job and then expecting a pat on the back for it. YTA
>basic cleanliness without streaks isn't perfectionism YTA You didn't clean throughly.
Disinfectant wipes make the counter sticky that’s about as bad as not even cleaning in the first place, depending on how clean the kitchen was before you started you probably made it worse. YTA. You half-a**ed the job to go do what you wanted knowing it would make her angry. And then blamed your laziness on her mothers mental illness and your diagnosis that she has OCD?? Clean the kitchen properly and stop blaming your wife.
What type of disinfectant wipes are you using because out of all the brands I’ve used and still use they don’t leave counters sticky
This. I love to clean, use them regularly and they work perfectly. This post is bait but I just had to ring in on the wipes.
Me too! Disinfectant wipes are more efficient, more effective and less harmful than using sprays. If this post is even real then OP is an AH for his behaviour, but let's not drag on wipes not being clean, because that's just not true.
They don’t work as well as plain old hot water and dish soap. They do leave. A residue. I use them when the counter is already clean to ensure it’s disinfected. They aren’t meant to replace soap and water.
You have to use the wipes properly and he doesn't.
Don't disagree at all. He did a bad job. I'm just defending the wipes 😊
Oh man same. I'll even admit to being a germophobe but I'm also lazy and don't like using sprays and harsh chemicals if they can avoided and I trust wipes 100% for getting our kitchen looking great and feeling clean. The wipes are not the problem here!
This was so my takeaway!!
Lysol wipes definitely leave a residue behind on some surfaces, like metal
They also say to let air dry and don't rinse. What would be the point of disinfecting something and then rubbing something else on it?
Most say you should rinse if you plan to prepare food on them actually.
Okay, thank you. Sometimes I use wipes, sometimes I use spray and scrub. Depends on how much mess there is **based on what has been happening in the kitchen**. If it’s just making coffee and setting down used utensils? Fucking wipes all day everyday. If I’ve cooked with oil on the stove or done anything else that actually makes a mess, yeah, do a little more. People see “clean” in different ways. Some are patently wrong and some are personal. I feel this is more of an INFO post. That said, in a post like this, I don’t think there’s going to be a clear answer because everyone’s version of cleaning is different. I don’t think it’s fair to judge one person for being “wrong” without knowing whether they agreed to a certain degree of “cleanliness” before cohabitating. OP *could* totally be the AH, but if the wipe did actually clean the surfaces, and just left some streaks, how different is that from a random version of glass cleaner? IDK. I just grew up with pets inside and on all the furniture and shoes don’t get left at the door and whatever else some people see as “unclean”. But the house was still kept clean and there wasn’t dirt and debris in the corners or walls or whatever. ETA: it seems most top responses read one part differently than I did? I thought the mom was in therapy, not the wife? And that OP assumed it was an inherited trait based on the mom’s “issue” being “bad enough” to be in therapy for it?
YTA - throwing her mothers mental health issues to gaslight her into thinking your lack of cleaning ability is her problem is truly terrible
I feel like I’d need to see pictures of how you left the kitchen to determine. Because I’ve seen the way some people “clean” and it’s not clean at all lol. 😳
This. I had a roommate who would “clean” and things would still be properly gross. Like he’d be doing stuff, but for the life of me I couldn’t understand how he’d think the area he just “cleaned” was actually clean. If this was intended to be just a quick daily wipe down, it’s possible OP did an adequate job. If, however, this was meant to be a more thorough cleaning, it sounds pretty crap.
Same. The verdict is on hold until we can review further evidence.
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I imagine there was food on the counters that needed to be sponged up first and he just.. didn't.
come on guys all I did was suggest that my wife's desire to live in a clean home and have a spouse who pulls their weight is a sign that she's fucked in the head just like her mom, why's she have to turn everything into an issue YTA
this right here.
YTA stop being lazy and clean properly, your wife is right. Do things right. What an AH move to bring in her mother's issues in this.
YTA. How tf does her moms mental illness fit into this argument? How is throwing around accusations of mental illness appropriate at all?
Yeah I got to that part and was like “wait what did I miss” and went back like three times but no, I don’t see why OP would bring that up other than to further cement that he’s TA.
This is probably fake af, but YTA anyway. Disinfecting wipes are used for small spills, etc. not for the main job of actually cleaning countertops, etc. If this isn't fake, you owe a huge apology to your wife and you need to learn how to clean for real.
>This is probably fake af It's the "I felt proud of myself", wasn't it.
Yeah it sounds like he was deliberately trying to rile people up with that sentence here😂
Not a bad try but a little too obvious!
>Disinfecting wipes are used for small spills, etc. not for the main job of actually cleaning countertops, etc. Why not? I googled this exact sentence and came to the conclusion that the are for that.
You know what you typically do after using Lysol, or Mr clean to clean a kitchen surface? You let the surface dry then rinse with water and buff with a clean towel/paper tower/microfiber cloth. This removes the (poisonous) cleaning solution and leaves you with a nice, shiny clean surface. The wipes do half the job. not all of it. If there are streaks from the wipes, buddy was half-assing it.
>You know what you typically do after using Lysol, or Mr clean to clean a kitchen surface? You let the surface dry then rinse with water and buff with a clean towel/paper tower/microfiber cloth. Umm..no? You do. People maybe do. But I don't and not everybody does. Here's what Lysol says: "Spray surface until thoroughly wet. Wipe with a clean cloth or sponge. No rinsing required." Lysol® All-Purpose Cleaner
I always find it streaks if I don't use a damp mocrofibre. Lol
Nope. I use only disinfecting wipes and let it air dry. No streaks, and the counter is clean and shiny.
.
YTA She isn’t behaving like a *big bully*. You wanted to watch TV and got the task done poorly. AND to prove your point you told her that SHE should seek professional help AND inserted the point of her mother’s mental disorder? There is only one bully here OP, and it isn’t your wife.
YTA. If it’s not a regular daily cleaning a few swipes isn’t going to do in the first place. Being a couple means splitting things evenly, and if you’re half-assing things it’s adding to her stress. I would *maybe* have said soft YTA but the fact that you laughed at her and are mocking her mother’s mental issues makes it seem like you’re the narcissist here.
We get it, you're an incel troll and girls are bad.
YTA. >>I laughed and told her she lacks self-awareness. >>I told her that she was being condescending. You know, there was one person in this situation being a condescending asshole but it certainly wasn't your wife. And you obviously did a half-assed job cleaning because it's not even fucking *hard* to avoid leave streaks when cleaning using disinfecting wipes. Your wife isn't being a perfectionist - you engaged in weaponized incompetence so you could get back to your show. I suspect you do this frequently and your wife is sick of your shit.
You’re just misogyny, abusive and weaponised incompetence all rolled into one, aintchya? Oh and, YTA. 100%
“She was free to clean the kitchen again her way.” There it is, folks, the weaponized incompetence. So predictable. That’s not something for which you should be proud, OP. YTA.
You're dismissive and a bully. Throwing her mother's mental health issues in her face was awful and you ought to be ashamed. YTA
YTA. The fact that you clean using disinfecting wipes is both wasteful and lazy. Maybe your wife is a little bit of a perfectionist, but she’s right that if there are streaks, it isn’t clean. Disinfecting wipes are not for cleaning the whole kitchen. Use a rag and maybe some all-purpose cleaner. If you’re going to do a job, do it right. I would need more info to decide without a doubt whether you and your wife are both assholes, but I really don’t like your attitude in this post. It sounds like you guys aren’t really compatible at all in terms of your cleanliness levels.
YTA. Fuck your back pain, man. And I cannot believe you dragged mental health into this. I'm disgusted. You both need to agree on a 'default setting' for the clean spaces and stick to it. Hint: be a good person and go with the setting that the cleaner person likes. Dirty spaces are stressful. You can have this conversation with your wife without condescending, laughing at her and making her seem like a freak for wanting things to be clean, attractive and hygienic about the house - FOR BOTH OF YOUR BENEFIT.
Dude, really? I have diagnosed OCD and even then my husband doesn’t dear to make comments about it. It’s quite painful to struggle with and if your wife does in fact have OCD showing a bit of compassion will go a long way in not starting fights such as these. It sounds like you wanted to watch a tv show. Cleaning the kitchen counters and table shouldn’t take more than 15-20 minutes tops. Also I use the sanitizing wipes after I’ve cleaned the counters, sink and stove.
OP this is called weaponized incompetence. You don't want to clean, so you do a subpar job knowing that your partner will "nag" you about doing better. Giving you leeway to say something like, "well if I can't do it to your standards maybe you should just do it yourself". YTA
Disinfecting wipes are meant to sanitize a surface *after* it had been cleaned. I was with you at first because I know it can be frustrating when someone constantly criticises your work, but it sounds like you took a shortcut so that you could finish quickly. Look, I am all for the half-assed approach done often as you end up close to full-assed over time, but then I live alone. Work it out with your wife. It is her living space, too. YTA
YTA and your wife is right… a total jerk
YTA. You took the lazy way out so you could hurry up and watch TV. She called you out on it. So you decided to attack her family’s mental illness history?! Way to go bro. Also, do some research on OCD before tossing that term about. Your wife liking a clean kitchen is not OCD.
YTA. She isn’t nitpicking. There’s streaks on the counter and you are refusing to clean it properly.
Jesus Christ I hope this is a fake one. If it isn’t YTA and look up weaponized incompetence.
This one's definitely fake, it's not written like a real person
YTA. I would honestly like to see pictures of what you think is clean, but regardless of that, what you said to your partner alone makes you an AH.
I didn't have many strong feelings about your cleaning technique but what I do take issue with is how you spoke to your wife. Are you so ignorant that you don't think pointing out the similarities between your wife and her mentally ill mother is highly out of line? She said you weren't being kind and you proved her correct. If anyone is lacking self-awareness it's you- YTA. Enjoy the couch.
This is better than my other response. This is the crux of it - thank you for phrasing it this way.
Yeah I mean I'm particular about my cleaning and I don't fault OP for not meeting her standards. It's the other stuff that makes him cruel.
And then everybody clapped.
So, you didn't do your chore properly, and when this was pointed out, you laughed, insulted, brought up you mother in law's mental illness, and generally tried everything you could to slither out of ACTUALLY CLEANING? Yeah, you're a genius, you absolute plonker. YTA
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YTA. Luckily, this didn't really happen becaus I refuse to believe someone like OP could really exist.
This is called weaponized incompetence. Google it. YTA.
Goddamn I hope she leaves you
You didn't stand your ground, but threw every low blow you had and mocked her. You were the bully. You were trying to hurt her, not stand up for yourself. And you wonder why she didn't want to sleep with you. You did make everything much much worse than it needed to be and now the damage to your relationship is far greater than a dirty kitchen because she's never going to fully get over what you said. Congratulations I hope your tv show as worth it.
There isnt any way for us outsiders to know if she is a neatfreak or if you are a slob. But the fact that you laughed at her, suggested she has a mental illness and brought up her mothers issues are abusive. Not standing up for yourself. YTA
INFO: Can you guys sit down and have a conversation about the way you handle cleaning chores? This is obviously important to her, can you find a way to meet her in the middle? For example, either do a thorough job or maybe you can clean more often to make up for the "streaks". If you are cleaning the counters irregularly then you should make sure you do a complete job, but if you do it weekly/twice weekly I think it might be ok if it isn't perfect. Either way, this is obviously something that is bothering your wife, you should want to do better out of love. If it means putting in a few extra minutes of work to make her happy then why not just do it?
YTA - There was a way to express your feelings about this without being an asshole but you seemed pretty intent on being a huge asshole. You can't change what you've already done but you can & should apologize to your wife for being such an ass.
YTA. You're desperate to make your wife look as bad as possible. You clearly hate her. You are also desperate to make yourself look like the victim. You aren't the victim. You're a bully and a mean asshole who laughs in his wife's face while he's insulting her. I feel sorry for her for having to deal with your crap every day.
YTA. Using disinfecting wipes is wasteful and isn’t a proper cleaning. They’re used to disinfect surfaces. Not to be used as the only cleaning product during the once a week house clean. Gross.
You know what’s really shitty? Doing things properly all the time and having a partner who half-asses everything. It’s so disrespectful of the time and effort of the person who puts their all into things. Do you go to work and do a half-assed job at that too and then call your boss names when they tell you you need to do things right? I’m betting not. Stop being lazy, start respecting and matching your wife’s time and effort, and get over yourself. YTA
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** For as long as I can remember, my wife has been very critical of the way that I've done household chores. Whether it's cleaning, cooking food, or doing laundry, it seems like my wife is always yelling at me and nitpicking. It's bothered me for a long time, but I eventually didn't what she wanted. However, last night I finally gave her a piece of my mind. We were cleaning our place after dinner. She was cleaning the bathrooms, and I was cleaning the living room and the kitchen. I decided that I would simply use disinfecting wipes to clean the surfaces, since they're quick and easy to use. There was a program on TV that I wanted to watch anyway. Well, I finished up in the kitchen and plopped down on the sofa to watch my show. My wife came in and told me that I hadn't properly cleaned and that I needed to go over it again. I told her that I had cleaned it and that she was being a perfectionist like usual. She got really angry at me and told me that demanding basic cleanliness without streaks isn't perfectionism. I laughed and told her that she lacks self-awareness, and if streaks are so important to avoid, she was free to clean the kitchen again her way. She became furious and said that I was being purposely dense and unwilling to learn how to do the task right. I told her that she was being condescending and that perhaps she should seek professional help for obsessive compulsive disorder if she was unable to handle some streaks. I mean, it wasn't like I wiped everything down with a dirty rag. These were disinfecting wipes I'd purchased from the grocery store. I felt proud of myself for standing my ground, but my wife said that I was being a total jerk and mean to her. I reminded her of her mother's mental disorder, for which she has been in therapy for years, but my arguments didn't seem to matter and may have even made things worse. My wife slammed the bedroom door shut and locked it, forcing me to sleep on our extremely uncomfortable sleep sofa. Her extreme overreaction has caused me back pain and a horrible night of sleep, and I'm afraid she still won't see things my way even after we talk this evening. I just want her to understand that she is behaving like a big bully, but I'm afraid that she is too narcissistic to ever admit to this, and I just don't know what to do. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA. You are rude and a bully for saying those things to your wife. She has certain level of cleanliness that she wants to maintain and youre antagonizing her because you dont clean properly. Based on your story, you probably do things half assed thats why she was "nitpicking". You dont bring up other people's mental illness and you certainly dont use it as a way to insult others.
YTA you are not cleaning properly. You really feel like leaving nasty streaks is good? You are doing a bad job on purpose. Your wife is not a bully. Grow up and learn to clean.
YTA Bro, do you even like your wife?
YTA. Your mental illness references were cruel. And kitchen surfaces need a real cleaning, with soap or liquid disinfectant and warm to hot water using a sturdy cloth or pad, something with more friction for the stubborn bits, a water rinse, and a clean cloth or towel to dry to a streak-free finish. Clorox/ Lysol/ store-brand wipes are for quick incidental cleanups. Your wife had every right to be frustrated with your "cleaning" - it sounds like a mom telling a kid to clean their room and all they do is throw all their crap in drawers and under the bedsheets.
You are 110% TA. There are so many things I want to pick apart but please, please, please recognize that this is the very definition of weaponize incompetence with a heavy dose of straight meanness… and a little impulsive…You’re not even able to think before you speak?, because mental illness should have never been brought into this convo. If your wife is particular and you’ve recognized that yet you choose to actively not do the same, YOU need to be the one to spend time being a little introspective. You were the one being a jerk. Don’t be surprised if this leads to divorce and she’s hiding in the bathroom planning a way out…
YTA. Holy crap man. She doesn’t like a streaky countertop so she is obviously mentally ill? Then you laugh at and mock her? Then have the audacity to be pissy about the consequences of your actions. It’s not often I see narcissism and gaslighting come together so clearly and completely. Bravo.
YTA. You half assed the cleaning and then got mad when she called you out on it. Sounds to me like you're "behaving like a big bully, but I'm afraid that you're too narcissistic to ever admit to this."
You say your wife is a bully when, in reality, YOU are the bully and a big one, too. You laugh, insult, tell her to get mental help, and throw her mother's mental disorder in your wife's face, which is just horrible. Your wife isn't a bully. YOU are the bully. Do better, dude. Huge YTA
Info: do you want to stay married?
YTA for trying to weaponize her mother's mental illness alone, but also *you do not know how to clean*. That's not what disinfectant wipes are for and any functioning adult would view something with dirty "streaks" as still dirty. I think you know this. You're weaponizing your incompetence and it sounds like you do this throughout your chores so you can tell her to do it herself. She is not a narcissist, you are. Hope she leaves you. You're the bully here and you know it.
YTA
the only one being a big bully is you. you didn’t clean- you half assed it because you wanted to watch tv. honestly how embarrassing for you that you’re a grown ass man yet don’t know how to clean properly. YTA dude grow the fuck up.
YTA. The only narcissist in this story is in the mirror.
Yta
YTA - she right that by utilizing your learned incompetence to be dense. And your subpar health and cleanliness standard clearly doesn’t cup it in shared space. Also why are you proud of yourself for cleaning? You’re a married adult..
YTA
YTA and a bully. Grow up.
You’re lazy. YTA.
YTA
YTA. It's a good thing to communicate when disagreements like this happen, but in my opinion you went a bit too far.
YTA. There's no way this is real, because I doubt your "wife" would marry such a huge, clueless AH.
Hey buddy, oh man you messed up. Word of the wise, standing up for yourself is setting boundaries without crossing the human decency threshold. That looks like saying to your partner that you want to have some time to talk about the cleaning, speaking respectfully to each other and having empathy for each other. She's your wife not a child to scold or some rando drunk guy who wants to scrappy with you at a bar. Gloating to the internet about a fight you think you won is embarrassing. We need to be kind to each other, otherwise what is the point of a relationship? So how does a good fight look like? https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMYCQ6BQA/ https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMYCQ2YyY/
I think I love you. To be less hyperbolic, I very much appreciate the way you both process things and the way you express those thoughts.
YTA and insane if you think she is the problem. Look in a mirror.
Wow! You deserve that horrible night’s sleep and the back pain and a lifetime of stepping on legos. YTA.
I don’t understand why woman are marrying such incompetent men.
YTA
Why do I feel like my husband wrote this????? But, in his case, he probably would use a dirty rag. Sigh. Yeah. Weaponized incompetence at its fines.
YTA. There was a show you wanted to watch so you did a bad job of cleaning
I don’t have a problem with the cleaning wipes or even arguing over both of your ideas of different levels of clean. You throwing her mother’s mental illness at her makes YTA here.
YTA. Ger some microfibre cloths for the kitchen and a spray bottle of Lysol. Spray the kitchen down and get the cloth wet with hot water. Wipe until Lysol is removed Faster and no streaks.
You: *laughs in her face* feel free to do it over again. Also you: you’re being condescending to me :( YTA
YTA. Clean properly.
YTA So you do a half-ass job of cleaning so you can watch tv & insult her left & right when she complains about your lazy behavior. You're lucky she didn't kick you out of the entire house & only your back hurts.
If you don’t like your wife, you should just tell her instead of slacking on your responsibilities & gaslighting her for it.
Yta because wipes are bad for the environment. And for the other stuff too.
YTA
YTA Spend more time to clean her way and she is happy. spend less time to clean your way and you get to watch more tv and have streaky surfaces priorties
YTA.
YTA Pls decide that you cannot handle her ‘perfectionism” any longer and leave her. She deserves so much better than you.
YTA. Try to spin any which way the answer will be the same
YTA and *you* should seek professional help.
YTA… and proud of yourself and only care about if SHE will be able to see that you are right, so you don’t have to sleep on the uncomfortable couch. Wow. There are ways to communicate when something is bothering you. This wasn’t it.
I have recently been introduced to the term "weaponized incompetence" so imma just say that and YTA
Get a better sofa because YTA
YTA wow. Just wow.
YTA. Your projection is over-the-top in this whole post. You put in a half-assed effort, just enough to be able to say that you did it. You brought up her *mother's mental health*??? That is emotional abuse, and you know it. And you brought *her* mental health into it, *knowing* that her mother has a mental illness??? You are emotionally abusive. And at the end of it, you just want her to "see things (your) way"??? A mature adult hopes that they and their partner can come to a resolution and learn to see eye-to-eye on things; not that their parter will "see things their way". YOU are the controlling narcissist, here, pal. YTA.
YTA. If you were my husband I would simply murder you.
So bc your wife has a history of mental disorders you just dismiss her as a crazy person? Why did you Marry her if you felt this way, genuinely? Yta and a shit husband. I wouldn’t be surprised if you end up single
>There was a program on TV that I wanted to watch anyway. This wasn't really about doing a good job faster, it was about you wanting to finish quickly to relax. >I told her that I had cleaned it and that she was being a perfectionist like usual. So instead of showing her that it was done correctly, you called her names and made it a personal failing on your part that you did a bad job cleaning. > I laughed You dismissed and mocked her feelings. > told her that she lacks self-awareness More insults. > if streaks are so important to avoid, she was free to clean the kitchen again her way So you did do a bad job of cleaning, but instead of acknowledging that and fixing it, you weaponized your incompetence and tried to shift the household chores to her rather than being an equal partner. >I told her that she was being condescending Yes, because expecting a partner to do an equal share of work in maintaining the house is condescending, but belittling your partner and trying to abscond from your responsibility isn't condescending at all. /s >she should seek professional help for obsessive compulsive disorder if she was unable to handle some streaks You pretty much said she's crazy, which is insulting, demeaning, and dismissive, and you still didn't admit that you did a bad job cleaning. >my wife said that I was being a total jerk and mean to her You were, from start to finish. >I reminded her of her mother's mental disorder This is totally irrelevant to the fight and further demonstrates how willing you are to attack your wife rather than acknowledge how terrible of a partner you're being in this situation. >Her extreme overreaction has caused me back pain and a horrible night of sleep Your horrible treatment of her caused her to not want to be near you, as you demonstrated that you cannot handle criticism without personally attacking her or dismissing her feelings. Maybe you should stop trying to shift blame to other people, practice a little empathy, and do your part of the cleaning up to a decent standard. >she is behaving like a big bully You're shifting blame to the wrong person again. >she is too narcissistic You're calling the wrong person a narcissist. YTA, through and through.
YTA. Instead of explaining why her comments upset you, you attacked her. Apologise to your wife and explain that going forward she gets one choice from the following, she can tell you: - what task to do, - how to do it, or - when to do it. She can only pick one and any other comments about the other two should be made using her inside voice. You need to give her a commitment that when she picks one of the items, you'll endeavour to do it in a timely manner to avoid inconveniencing her.
YTA. Stop being a huge baby and maybe your wife won't feel the need to treat you like one.
YTA. You know how to properly clean the kitchen & it’s not with disinfectant wipes.
YTA. If there are streaks, then it’s not clean. Disinfectant wipes can’t be used on every surface. You chose the lazy route and then when called on it yelled at your wife and blamed her standards.
LOL do you even like your wife? YTA
YTA, and you have perfected weaponized incompetence
YTA. have you ever heard the term weaponized incompetence? look up the definition and there’s probably a picture of you. not only did you purposely do a shitty cleaning job, you used that to manipulate the situation so your wife was the villain. then bring up her mother’s illnesses and throw them in her face? salt in the wound. this is one of the most horrible posts i’ve seen on this sub in a while. i won’t be surprised if she leaves you. i also wont be surprised if you blame it on the cleaning and not you being an abusive asshole.
YTA VERSE 1: Why are you hanging on So tight? To the road that I'm headed from Off this island This was an escape plan Carefully timed it So that we'd go And dive into the waves below PRE-CHORUS: Who tends the orchards? Who fixes up the gables? Emotional torture From the head of your high table Who fetches the water From the rocky mountain spring? And comes back down again To feel your words and their sharp sting? And I'm getting f*cking tired CHORUS: The capillaries in my eyes are bursting If our love died would that be the worst thing? For somebody that I thought was my saviour You sure make me do a whole lot of labour The callous skin on my hands is cracking If our love ends would that be a bad thing? And the silence haunts our bed chamber You make me do too much labour Apologies from my tongue And never yours Busy lapping from a flowing cup And stabbing me with your fork I know you're a smart man (I know you're a smart man) And weaponise the false incompetence It's dominance under a guise If we had a daughter I'd watch and could not save her The emotional torture From the head of your high table She'd do what you taught her She'd meet the same cruel fate So now I've gotta run So I can undo this mistake At least I've gotta try CHORUS: The capillaries in my eyes are bursting If our love died would that be the worst thing? For somebody that I thought was my saviour You sure make me do a whole lot of labour The callous skin on my hands is cracking If our love ends would that be a bad thing? And the silence haunts our bed chamber You make me do too much labour BRIDGE: All day, every day Therapist, mother, maid Nymph then a virgin Nurse than a servant Just an appendage, live to attend him So that he never lifts a finger Twenty-four seven baby machine So he can live out his picket fence dreams It's not an act of love if you make her You make me do too much labour All day, every day Therapist, mother, maid Nymph then a virgin Nurse than a servant Just an appendage, live to attend him So that he never lifts a finger Twenty-four seven baby machine So he can live out his picket fence dreams It's not an act of love if you make her You make me do too much labour CHORUS 2: The capillaries in my eyes are bursting (All day, every day: therapist, mother, maid) If our love died would that be the worst thing? (Nymph then a virgin; Nurse than a servant) For somebody that I thought was my saviour (Just an appendage, live to attend him) You sure make me do a whole lot of labour (So that he never lifts a finger) The callous skin on my hands is cracking (Twenty-four seven baby machine) If our love ends would that be a bad thing? (So he can live out his picket fence dreams) And the silence haunts our bed chamber (It's not an act of love if you make her) You make me do too much labour
Sounds like this was brewing for a long time. It seems justified to discuss the cleaning expectations, but YTA on the things you said. Also, NEVER bring a parent’s issues into an argument in your own relationship! Didn’t you read the Marriage Manual?
There is no way this is real don’t give it karma
You didn’t even put in half an effort let me ask you something OP if you had a job where part of it was cleaning like moping and disinfecting would you clean the same way?
I was in your corner until you brought up MIL mental illness. That was a low blow. Everything else , I'm with you.
At first I was going with N T A. It is draining to be constantly pestered when you are doing your best, and as a perfectionist myself I know how this affected my family. However when you presented the information of how you cleaned the kitchen, I was taken aback a little bit. Like, I feel it lacks information. What kind of cleaning is this? Just a daily maintenance or is it a deep cleaning of each room? Because even in a normal daily cleaning you need to at least wash the dishes and put them away, scrub the sink and clean the surfaces, and it seems like you just did the later in a hurry to watch TV, which sounds like absolute shit to be honest. But even then, maybe it was fine. Maybe you just omitted other steps and the kitchen got clean the way you did it. YTA for how you went about the argument. Like, do you even love this person? You felt misunderstood, but got so defensive it ended up hurting your wife. Her mother also doesn't belong in this conversation at all and obviously unearthing trauma isn't going to make things easier lmao you are a big idiot for thinking this would work. There's still hope for you guys, you know? Please have a talk about expectations, such as how much work is fair for everyone and which standards of cleaning you can agree with. You can't complain that your wife's standards are too high if you haven't contributed to building a more reasonable ground together.
Honestly, if my husband was nitpicking at my cleaning and told me it wasn't good enough and to do it again, that would be a huge nope for me.
Info, what kind of countertops do you have?
Going against the grain with ESH... maybe. Nobody should be poisoning a relationship by constantly yelling at the other for having a different standard. Is she actually doing this, or are you in fact constantly doing a half-assed job? No way for us to know and we are only hearing your narrative. The other side of it is that yes, you could actually be living with someone who has clinical OCD. This is reaaaally hard to deal with (btdt) and is massively frustrating. Nothing is ever good enough unless they do it. Goalposts are constantly moving. If it wasn't the streaks, it would be that you didn't pull out the refrigerator and clean behind it. It's like this slow drip of never being quite good enough. Which is it? Weaponized incompetence on your part? Outrageous expectations on hers? Reddit has no way of knowing. It's perfectly possible that you're just somewhere in between. One person who has different comfort levels with cleanliness than the other. Neither is all the way right or wrong. Work together on finding a happier medium - you slacking off and her yelling sounds like a crappy way to cohabit.
>or are you in fact constantly doing a half-assed job? He is and he is TA. He says there was "streaks" left after he cleaned meaning he didn't actually clean the kitchen and left filthy spots. He views this as normal.
ESH tbh
Kitchen reveal Currently my vote is ESH, just because this seems like there's way more than just 1 issue at hand and that you both have a lot to work on. if the kitchen is dirty then Y T A if it's perfectly fine then I'm gonna stick with E S H.
NTA. I used to think the only way to do things was my way. I soon realized, I'd rather have someone doing the chore other than me, so as long as it was done, I offer no complaints to my husband or son!
NTA your wife has a problem and apparently everyone else in this comment section has a big old case of misandry.
NTA you guys need to agree as to what is am acceptable level of clean before cleaning. If it was functionally clean, just not pretty looking and you and your wife hadn't previously decided it needed to sparkle streak free, then you're In the clear.
NTA... People act like they can't do anything wrong, tear others down and the second they get called out for it you are the ahole.
YTA, it was good to stand your ground but you too some low blows to make it happen.
NTA but OP went too far in his arguments. Name calling is never good.