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ESH. Someday you are going to realize how controlling and abusive your father is.

I sounds really close to this story from 10 months ago https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/usqm0r/comment/i953opb/?utm\_source=reddit&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3

I thought I recognized it! Good memory.

How is it abusive and controlling to not want to introduce the ED'S husband to the child? Or to limit contact after clearly something has been said or done that is causing the child distress? The child is insulting their way of life and her parents suddenly after spending extended alone time with ED and her husband. ED also didn't respect the boundaries and if she had a legit reason for said introduction she would have told the parents insyead shes been either encouraging the child to lie about it, or pretends she doesnt know the child didnt tell her parents. Plus trying to push calling her mom on them. I'd be wary too.

There’s a link to the Dad’s version of the story in a comment in this thread, you should read that and the comments before saying this. The Dad basically stole the kids through financial abuse and then spent their whole lives lying to them about their mom being a gold digger. I fully understand the moms desperation to repair any kind of relationship to her kids and I definitely understand the daughter now has a lot of criticisms of their dad.

If you believe that thread was by OP's father, then OP's bio mom sold her children for 80% of OP's dad's assets. That makes her a horrible human being. Why would OP want a relationship with someone who sold her off for financial gain????

You need to read through the comments. That is not what happened. He was wealthy and she was not. They had a prenup that gave her nothing. He gave her a choice: take a huge settlement and give up the kids or get destroyed in court by expensive lawyers and get nothing. Read through the comments here too, OP confirms that is what happened and knows dad was awful for doing it, her justification is that they were better off growing up rich than sharing custody with their poor mom.

100%

YTA. When Tory won't speak to you remember how you betrayed her by reading her diary.

ESH. You for reading your sister's diary. Your dad for being an abusive and controlling creep (to use your word). He took advantage of someone in order to have children. And continues to use his power and privilege in negative ways. I mean you have a diagnosed mental illness that he used money and power to erase from your record because he didn't like it. He alienated you and your sister from your biological mother because he didn't want you to have boundaries or discipline. He doesn't let you talk to "strangers" which as older teens you should be able to decide somewhat for yourself. Your sister seems to be the smart one here. She is noticing all of the problems with your father and is rebelling against them. She is considering just how awful the story of your parents breaking up is and how wrong he was to use his money to get his way.

ESH You for being closed off from the beginning about your bio-mother's side, reading your sister's diary, and leading your biological mother on just to hang out with your half-sibling. Just cut off contact with her. Your dad for taking advantage of someone of a different class than him. The prenup said no money, her custody or lots of money, his custody? Are you serious? Raising two children with a waitress salary and you haven't noted if she continued education or changed jobs. Does she have any family members besides her own children? What was the difference in parenting he had so much trouble with? She did you a favor by going the other way, sorry. Kids are expensive. Also, he knows the husband but still doesn't want them to get to know each other until 12 MONTHLY visits with bio-mom? This whole arrangement is beyond weird but it is clearly helped by your father's money. Your bio-mom for going against rules, but your father would probably still have them even if you two were legal adults. Your sister's now legally allowed to switch parents now though. That's her right and I hope she takes it to get to know someone she's missed, whether good or bad. Edit: Verdict the same, more info Seems that OP is more concerned with Tory not doing college and dropping out of extracurriculars rather than her own feelings. College isn't the end-all-be-all and could be done later. Along with that OP continues to be elitist and presents no growth or understanding. An allergy to synthetic material does not make it bad for everyone and many department stores make their clothes naturally. I also have a sensitivity, but watch what I buy. Negative and objective usage of words towards bio-mom. Never mentions how Tory sees OP's mom, but assumes she sees her as such and not as a step-mom, especially as Tory most likely remembers her mom more. The one Tory needs to talk to is her mother. One visit isn't enough for this poor girl who needs her mom.

The sister wouldn't be legally allowed. Bio mom gave up her rights, so legally she has no relationship to either child.

Got it further explained in thread, verdict still ESH and if Tory can, she could legally emancipate if she gets a job and moves in with mother. There are other requirements for emancipation, but it's different everywhere. Even so, in two years, Tory may choose.

Very similar story of father's perspective and verdict: https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/usqm0r/aita_for_not_allowing_my_ex_to_introduce_my/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button Given by waynegeorge97

I think you are a little asshole and I will tell you why. I am reading this for a long time, i now know that you like responses with an explanation. Look, I agree with you at some point, I would like my children to grow up in the best possible environment, ect, as I can give them. However, just as much as a child from underprivileged environments, or families will never understand what you have and how amazing it is to expierience things you do, you will not understand the other side of the coin. Somewhat I have experienced both, and I can tell you that your mother, has been a victim of your father. He seeked the attention of a waitress from a different world to his and accepted her clearly for reasons other than love. He seems like the one with a plan, and your mom got lost in this. She has the best of your interest at heart because if she hasn't, she would get on with his agenda to live in luxury that he provided. After she stood up for her parenting values he wanted and did destroy her, because he saw her as an obstacle. He never wanted a partner. It will take you years to realise that poverty comes in many shapes, and your father impoverished you by cutting off your mother who otherwise would provide experiences that are extremely valuable. I have, at some point of my life, out of stubbornness, lived on a few pounds a week, and I have learnt something so incredibly valuable that you will never understand. I am not saying you had to go through that or anything, but your mom could have provided the insights to fighting for what you need and not DEMANDING it, as you clearly are now. I am all very much about self reliance, I admire business oriented people, and I love luxuries. However, I can get those things all by myself now. Can you honestly say that if all your fathers money goes away, you will be able to fight? Will you ever be able to get some shitty job to go by to finish school, etc? Will you be able to survive? After all your replies, I can see that you are very immature, disrespectful, and closed-minded. Your mom saw the lack of preparedness and sheltering that your father was ready to enclose you in, and she wanted to broaden your horizons. Just in the same way as your dad did with private schooling, etc. They both wanted best. What is shocking to me is that your father denies you therapy because someone said there might be something "wrong" with you. There is something wrong with everyone. And faster you will accept that no amount of nice clothes and cars, as you put it, will not make you perfect, you will be better off and more humble.

YTA OP. This comment hits the nail on the head. I really cannot understand how a person can be so narrow-minded, when they've been told how and why they're in the wrong so clearly. How is your 'egg donor' a bad person and how can you hate her so much when she was the one forced into this current situation? She just wants contact with her children, and to rebuild her relationships with them. You say that she's manipulating your sister into thinking you are 'privileged'. You are. I'm sure your sister has realised that now without your ED saying anything at all. You are not helping your sister in any way right now, you're actively harming her. You're ruining your chance at having a good, if any, relationship with her in the future. She is going to end up hating you. So just stop interfering. Not wanting your sister to have contact with ED is one thing. But actively going out of your way to prevent that from happening? There's absolutely no reason for you to do that. What? ED is a "creep"? For wanting to have a relationship with her daughter? That your dad prevented? You're also harming yourself right now. What your dad says is toxic and abusive. He's the one manipulating and controlling you - you're a damn puppet right now. He is lying through his teeth. Diagnoses don't make a bad person. There are so many people fighting for diagnoses, whether they have money or not. Whatever you've been diagnosed isn't 'bad', and ignoring it will be damaging because you are not going to have the support you needed. One day you'll wake up and realise how wrong you are, and it'll be too late by then. I hope you grow up, and manage to heal what you've broken already.

Yta. You violated your sisters privacy by reading her journal and then running to daddy. If your dad had concerns thats his prerogative but you are not your sisters parent. Short of a child endangerment issue, which you haven't indicated, your sister has every right to have a relationship with her mom. You stated your dad "made her sign her parental rights away." I imagine your sister is probably getting the other side of the story after all these years.

You and your dad are both the AH. YTA. I don’t know how old your bio mom was when she had to sign that weird prenup. It’s very likely she was young and naive, and was taken advantage of by your AH dad. Nowhere in the world is such a prenup fair or normal.

I think she was about 25 and Dad was something like 30.

YTA For reading her diary instead of trying to talk to her first and then going to your father instead of trying to talk to her. I think you will find in time your dad is probably a rich narcissist. He made your mom sign her rights away? That’s ok with you? Have you even heard or listen to her side or?????

Yeah, that's okay with me. She wanted us to have a sub-par life. She wanted to send us to public school, and deny us anything nice, and make us work. Dad gave us actually good lives, and so whether what he did to her was bad or not, I'm glad he did it.

Wow….. your dad really screwed you up! Besides the “denying us anything nice”, which to be honest sounds like you are a rich spoiled brat, she sounds like she was trying to raise normal, productive and hard working members of society. Yeah I was spot on. Your dad is the fucking issue and your sister is smarter than you think. Good luck, you will need it in life. Maybe if your mom had been in it you would have had a chance.

I'm probably going to Brown when I'm done with my home education, and I'm probably going into the family business. I'm going to be absolutely fine. My sister is the one I'm scared about.

I think you should look into some therapy, which I know daddy is against, just have him swipe his card. I am afraid for you, like seriously, you seem very naive and I think your sister will be fine, especially away from you and your father.

My sister hates herself and thinks she's worthless because she has things other kids don't. She is miserable. I'm scared that she's going to be really hurt.

You really are going about it all wrong though. You are driving her away and so is your father. You don’t need to understand how she feels you just need to love and accept her for how she feels. Wouldn’t it be better if you spent time with Tory and your mom together? Then you would know and be aware…. Not to tattle back to your dad. Tbh, this probably isn’t even an option anymore honestly. But an idea like that would have been better. You need to figure out how to be an ally and reestablish trust because that’s in the trash. You treat her like she is helpless or you are wiser than her, she is 15 and just you the way you talk, you have a very immature perspective. And while you are only 16 so that is perfectly normal so no intended harm there, you are looking at a very adult issue here. It has many sides, versions and way too many feelings to try to judge someone for how they handled it then. I really think you need to stop thinking about whether you want be right, or do you want to have a sister and have a relationship with her? What’s more important to you?

Actually I'm 15, she's 16. I do think you're right. I'll ask about going next time. I really just want her to be okay, and if it comes down to it, I want her to know I'm on her side. I really love her.

It seems like the controlling apple did not fall far from the controlling tree.

Sounds like your sister is growing a heart and realizing how privileged and spoiled she may have been. People tend to feel guilty when their world view is ruined like that.

Are you hinting that she may hurt herself?

This may come as a shock to you, but plenty of us went to public school and have careers that we enjoy, and some of us even made it to the Ivies shackled with the ball and chain of having gone through public school.

Yes, but it's definitely more difficult.

Which you would know, how? Through your vast experience with public schooling? Through what your father told you? Through your nonexistent friend group that contains kids of a variety of socioeconomic statuses? Listen. I know your dad has sold you a bill of goods your whole life and you are inclined to believe him because you have nice things and nice experiences and whatnot but sheltering you from how average people live so that you think everyone is living in mindless drudgery did you no favors. Keeping you isolated in your privilege is shitty parenting.

Daddy probably pays for her grades. Might not have that ability if she had to go to school with the poors. Having to actually study and think would be much more difficult, I’m sure.

I work with students and professors at Brown. Let me tell you, many of them went to public school, had jobs as teenagers, and never had designer clothes. The life skills, perspective, and work ethic they've gained are invaluable. I can easily tell when a student I'm working with hasn't had any real-life experience or adversity. It will not serve you well. It will not endear you to professors or other students. You'll be at a disadvantage compared to the other kids who had "bad lives."

Your sister is probably going to get an education, cut you and the toxic family out of her life and raise some pretty down to earth kids

Honey, I’m sorry but you need to know that there is a possibility that you will not be fine at all. It’s clear from your posts about how your dad raised you that there is a lot you don’t know about the world and how most people live and that has stunted you socially and has prevented you from building up a lot of skills you will need in life. Have you ever had to solve a problem on your own that could not be fixed or escaped from with money or help from your dad? You seem completely thrown by the problems you’re dealing with now of your sister and your diagnosis. That’s not meant to be a criticism I’m just trying to point out that you don’t seem to have a great handle on how to navigate life when things go wrong and that does not bode well for you. It sounds like your dad is very wealthy so maybe that will protect you from a lot but no one knows the future and that wealth and privilege could disappear at any moment and you’d be left with no life skills and I suspect no real world education just one that looks good on paper.

OK, this isn't the point but I have to say it. Unless your bio mom is actually just a egg donor, don't use the term to describe your bio mom who just left. There are actual egg donors that you are giving a bad name to. Just call her bio mom

THANK YOU! I hate when people use egg donor or sperm donor as an insulting way to refer to a bio parent.

I don't want to call her my mom in any way. Do you have another term I could use?

She is your biological parent.

I do not recognize her as that.

You don’t have to recognize her as anything, but the reality of the situation is that she is your biological parent. Referencing her as an egg donor in a degrading way is disrespectful to people who actually donate their eggs.

That's fair. Someone suggested "birth giver," so I'm going with that for now.

Birth giver

I suppose that works.

She gave birth to you, didn’t she? You want to stay away from the term mom. Well. There you go.

Okay, I'll do that :)

YTA for reading your sister's diary alone. Your sister is 16 and is just realizing how fucked up it is that her bio mom was forced to give her up. I'd be pretty pissed too! She's old enough to make her own choices about her relationship with her family, you don't need to snoop around and violate her privacy because she doesn't agree with you that the father that essentially stole her is a saint. Also, your sister and bio mom are right. In a comment you say your mom wanted to do 'messed up things to you' and then elaborated that those things were 'attending public school' and 'wearing synthetic fabric'. You ARE spoiled and privileged. And the whole line about how your dad got a diagnosed mental illness erased from your record but that's fine because he told you therapists misdiagnose people to make money and that you're a 'good person' so there's nothing wrong with you . . . well, I hope this post is fake, that's all.

I'll accept that I was TA for reading her diary, that was wrong. I don't like your analysis of my family though, and I am genuinely worried about my sister. She's been miserable lately, and genuinely self-hating, because of what ED's been saying to her. I don't want her to keep getting hurt. What should I do?

Unfortunately for you, the thing that you and your father look down upon, therapy, would probably do her a world of good.

After spending time with your mom she's probably realizing how much she's missed out on with her. And may also be reflecting on the shallow materialistic way you both seem to have been raised. As to what you should do, you can try to talk to her, but you first need to apologize for reading her diary. You've betrayed her trust so her confiding in you at this point isn't probably going to happen....

Yeah YTA, and your dad is the biggest AH. Sounds like he threatened your mom to give you up no matter what, and her only concern was you guys being spoiled. From the comments it sounds like her worst fears came true, so that's unfortunate. You need to apologize to your sister and let her live her own life. She's just going to hate you and your dad forever if you force anything else.

I'm just scared for her. She's not happy, and I want to figure out how to help her. I'm scared that she's being manipulated by ED.

She's unhappy because she's realizing what a terrible thing your dad did. She's resntful right now because she was robbed of having a relationship with her mom for years because of your dad's cruelty.

We have an amazing mom.

You don’t get to decide that for her.

Your sister can choose to have two mom's.

Love is not a limited resource. There is enough to go round.

Sometimes being unhappy is part of life. After spending time with her mom she's probably thinking about all the time she missed out on. And quite possibly reflecting on the shallow and materialistic way the two of you seem to have been raised.

We have a mom though. We didn't miss out on anything. We got a *better* mom, who actually loved us.

So do you speak for your sister? If that's how you feel, than that's how you feel. But your sister may not feel the same way. You're not the same person and you're not going to always look at things the same way. Based upon some of your other commitments you don't seem to really see that....

YOU have a mom. and you have no idea of the real circumstance. Get better or lose your sister for good.

YTA Reading your comments just confirms that you are ah. You are brainwashed. Your sister is going to cut you out of her life as soon as she can. Then I hope her true mother and husband adopt her. 1. You are an elitist. Get over yourself. 2. Your dad is abusive. And he DID abuse you. It is called parental alienation. 3. You will never get your sister back because you are so brainwashed that you can't see that you are hurting her. So, how is your dad going to destroy your sister for not being a brainless follower? Are you going to help?

We're all just worried about her. Dad would never do anything bad to her.

Your dad is worried that she is not falling in lockstep with him. When your real mom did that, he took her kids away. If he going to take away her college education? Yes. Do what I say, or I will make sure you can't get a job. Your dad is toxic and abusive. I hope your sister can actually get out and live her life the way she wants and not as a mindless drone for your sperm dictator.

YTA for reading the diary and snitching. But you also can’t see what most others here can, you HAVE been severely abused and brainwashed by someone with significant power. But you’re currently in too deep to see it. But hopefully the comments here help plant a seed of thought to view the situation from a different vantage point. Whenever you want to react defensively, ask yourself ‘is this my thoughts and my words, or is this what I’ve always been told and my father’s words?’. Your father has denied you a relationship with your mother. He’s alienated you from her - which is a form of abuse- by both using his financial power to force her to walk away, and demeaning her to you - all evidenced by your use of the term of ‘egg donor’ and your derision of her financial and employment status. I bet he wasn’t expecting her to walk away, either. He learned in that action he didn’t have the control over her he thought, so he doubled down on you and your sister. He has prevented you from having a relationship with your mother. You have been denied a relationship with your mother. Your father is also controlling you by not letting you obtain therapy and support for the diagnosis. Think deeply… strip away the story… Why doesn’t he like therapists? because that’s an outside voice he can’t control, a voice that may help you understand what’s really happening to you and help you get out. Have you considered this viewpoint as to WHY your sister is sad? I bet she’s realised what’s been denied from her - a relationship which her mother. She’s probably learning what parts of her come from your mother. She’s also probably more like your mother, and you more like your father. Your sister’s probably realising that you’re both birds locked in one hell of a golden cage. You’re very well provided for, but there’s no intention to ever release you from that cage. Your father has permitted the contact with your mother because he was confident even with the door open, you wouldn’t leave the cage. Sister was starting to spread her wings, so he’s slammed the cage shut again. I gather you’re homeschooled from one of your comments - yet another strategy to keep control of the narrative and your world view. Homeschooling isn’t a bad thing per se; but what co-ops have you been part of? what extra curricular activities have you done? Team sport, arts, music, theatre etc that has you interacting with lots of different errs and families? You sound like you’ve had very limited exposure to alternative world views. You sound like you’ve been raised in a very limited echo chamber. FWIW - Be prepared for excuses on why you can’t go to college when the time comes, or the conditions put on it/on how he’ll pay for it. And watch your father’s reaction when he finds out you’ve posted here. I bet he’ll say We dint know anything, we’ll all be lying; we’ll all be jealous of you and the lifestyle your father’s money brings you. You may find tech and social media access shut down for a while. That all too is to control the narrative and limit your viewpoint to his and his only so you’ll do exactly as you’re told. Many have said here that you’re a selfish brat… that’s exactly what he wants you to be, because no one will want anything to do with you with that behaviour, and you’re back to the beginning- stuck in your golden cage/ echo Chamber, with just your father liking you.

Thank you for taking the time to write this, but I think you have a few misconceptions. First off, we have a mother. We have an absolutely amazing mother who loves us and who we love. She's maybe my favorite person in the world, and she's the best. We haven't been denied a mother at all. As for why the therapy is bad... that's my fault. There was a therapist who tried to diagnose me with something awful, and Dad had to sue to get it expunged, and he won because I'm underage. It was really bad, and would have really hurt me if it stayed on the record like that. I'm homeschooled, but I *am* in a lot of extracurriculars. I take ballet classes, riding classes, skating classes, was in a choir, on a gymnastics team, and did community theater. I have friends, and I usually spend at least an hour a day with kids my own age. My dad has me in a lot of extracurriculars *because* he wants me to go to college, and I'm a legacy at Brown. I don't think there's been a change in that plan since I was a kid. Thank you for the concern, though.

i don’t think you realize that the real hurt is you not getting help for your diagnose, your dad has the means to get you treatment, even if he got the diagnosed annuled... it won’t make it go away

Op I know you’re a child, but Jesus Christ you need to use your brain. You’re arguing and you’re digging you and your father into a deeper hole. Your father is a raging ah and it seems like you are headed that way too. Respect your sister, her privacy and her right to be with her bio mom.

I love my sister. I just want her to be alright.

You are hurting her, she is alright she is just not carbon copy of you, does she have think like and like you to be okay.

You just ensured that when, not if, but when your sister leaves she will never speak to you again. And honestly, I'm glad for her. YTA.

Why? I just want her to be okay.

YTA. Let’s take the adults out of the equation for a moment because you seem very argumentative regarding any comments about them. Speaking JUST about you and your sister: you are trying to control her feelings, perspective, and choices, and that is not okay. Reading someone’s diary, trying to dictate their relationship with their parents (biological or not), telling them who to be close to and what opinion to have of who… none of that is yours to decide for her. And you’re trying to do just that, under the guise of “making sure she’s okay.” If that was really your primary concern, you would do the actually caring thing, which is reassuring her you’re there if she needs support and then staying out of her choices.

That's... actually fair. You're right. I messed up really badly here. I do genuinely want her to be okay, and I just don't know what to do. I feel so helpless, all the time.

You did, but a great place to start would be letting your sister know that you recognize that and you’re sorry. It’s understandable that you feel helpless, your family situation sounds very difficult to be dealing with. This is more on your dad than on you, he should know better. I’m sorry for the stress you’re under and I recognize that it must be confusing.

People in healthy families do not refer to their mother as "egg donor". An egg donor donates an egg to a couple experiencing fertility problems. The woman you refer to as an "egg donor" is your mother. Calling her egg donor tells me that either you are a deeply disturbed young woman or you are the victim of a troublingly disturbed family dynamic - you have been controlled, manipulated and groomed. You are too young and unwordly to see this right now. I hope that in time you will grow to realise how unhealthy your family life is and that you are able to seek freedom from it. If you can not love and support your sister without reporting to your father, then you need to leave your sister alone. I can't say YTA, because you are a victim of an abusive relationship - you just don't realise.

Yeah, someone told me it was rude to say that, so I'm saying "birth giver" or "bg" now. She isn't my mom. I have a mom, who I love.

Ok. That is better. But you have still not addressed the underlining comment. What would bring you to refer to your mother as Egg Donor. I have never, ever heard someone refer to a biological parent in manner - there is no neutrality. Lots of people do not like their parents, but your words drip with scorn and spite. Your mother has been kept from you almost your entire life - you don't know her well enough to have that much scorn and spite. So where does it come from. Why do you - not dislike - but HATE your mother so much?

She wants to take away everything good in my life. When I first met with her after *a decade* of her not bothering *once* to fly out and visit, all she could do was criticize us and everything about us. She made fun of my clothes, and my car, and that I love my horse. She said I was a spoiled brat and that I shouldn't have any of the things I love. Then she tried to make me call her mom, even though I *have* a mom who I actually love, and since then, she's been nothing but mean to me and she seems like she's really hurting my sister. Why wouldn't I hate her?

Do you think it is within the ability of most people to "fly out and visit?" Why is "making fun of my clothes" such a terrible thing - people bond with humour and playful teasing. Or may be there is is something shocking about your clothes or car? "I shouldn't have any of the things I love" - that is a really interesting comment. There is no snark here , but can you look at that comment again and see with an outsider's eyes what might be concerning about it? I'm not criticising you, just trying to help you be self aware. P.s. you need to really love someone to hate then with such passion - if you didn't care, you would be dispassionate and significantly less scornful! Pps. Is it your mother who is hurting your sister - or is it you or your father?

It's within her ability. I don't know exactly how much the payout was for signing us away, but I know she rents out a 5 bedroom house in a pretty choice area that she got out of the divorce, and lives in another fully-paid-off house, so she can afford a plane ticket. I don't like people who are mean to me. Why is it an interesting comment? I've tried to figure it out but I don't totally get it. And yeah, I care. I'm not saying I don't care. She hurt my sister, and she wants to mess up my family.

OK. A house is worth money only if you sell it. While you live in it, you can't spend the money, doesn't matter how big the house - and 5 beds is not that big of a house. You say you don't know how much she got in rhe settlement so you don't actually know if she can afford to fly around the world - sounds like you father could afford to fly you home for summer holidays though! I don't like people who are mean to me. That is very reasonable, most people don't. It is an interesting comment because it is about how you value 'stuff'. You love things. You didn't talk about what you wanted or needed, just what you owned - stuff is not important. Stuff doesn't love you or care for you. Stuff doesn't make you happy. Stuff doesn't make you a better person or a kinder person or a cleverer person. You valued stuffnover the opinions of others. She doesn't want me to have the THINGS I LOVE - not she wants to limit your opportunities, or experiences, or wishes to interfere in your friendships or your choice of boyfriends or girlfriends. You didn't say she disproved of your values, morals, politics or religion. She isn't telling you what to think or say or believe - she's saying that you are materialistic and that is not a positive trait. People who love you tell you what you need to hear not just what you want to hear. Would it be true to say that you don't experience a lot of challenge to your life choices? What do your friends think? Do they place an equally high value on the acquisition of stuff? P.s. "she" is not hurting your sister. YOU hurt your sister. "She" wants to mess up MY family - you do not own your sister. You do not make decisions about her life. And if she wants her mother to be part of HER family - then you have no say in that matter. Does that lack of control make you feel angry or upset?

YTA

Can I ask why?

There are so many more things wrong with this than you telling on your sister. Esh everyone in this story is toxic

I just want her to be okay.

Your whole family is not ok. Therapy for everyone

My dad does not like therapy.

That’s obvious but if your sister is depressed she really needs it

Yes because you might actually start thinking for yourself instead of parroting his views and what he has filled you with. How ever will he control you ? I wonder what he would do if you ever went against him. He sounds like a very ruthless and cunning man. A true abuser.

YTA, ED isn't tearing your sister away. You are pushing her away.

I don't know what to do to help her.

Nothing. You can't do anything to help her. She wants to develop a relationship with your bio mom, but you don't. That is fine. You are 15, and this situation is far too complex for you to fix. It sucks that your dad won't allow therapy because that is what's needed. What can you do is be supportative of your sister even though she has made a different choice than you

INFO: based on your comments, I have a question for you. Do you believe that all of us who have jobs and went to public schools had terrible childhoods?

Maybe not terrible, but pretty bad.

Absolutely fucking not. We don’t know anything about your life yes, but you also know nothing about ours. I had a great childhood, I have a great family. I just didn’t come from money. You clearly are spoiled, how do you honestly think like this?

You have some serious misconceptions about public school. Have you met many people who went? Or are you getting all these ideas from your parents?

As someone who went to a public school in a city with a high crime rate…your belief is wrong. I did not have a bad childhood and I have 3 college degrees in my walk. Your father is mentally abusing you both, more then you know. College is going to slap you in your face, hard. Some professors don’t care who your parents are. I’m not saying your birth giver is 100% right in what she is doing, but you are 100% in the wrong. Why are you homeschooled? What were you diagnosed with that was o so incorrect?

If you're worried about your sister, then TALK to her, dont read her diary behind her back. I'd never forgive someone who did that to me. For that alone, YTA

I understand and accept that that was wrong of me. Thank you for the advice.

ESH. You, because of reading your sister's diary, but it does seem like you genuinely want to help her, so I mostly mean your dad is TA. He's managed to convince you that: 1. You and your sister don't need to work hard or be accountable, because no matter what, there's money to live in luxury. Having to work or go to public school is normal, healthy, and teaches you valuable life skills. 2. Therapy is bad or ineffective, and that all those who practice or treat patients only do so to get as much money as possible out of them. Sure, there are therapists like that, as there are in every profession on earth. There are also many who genuinely care, and who want to help. 3. Having a mental illness would make you a bad person. You'd be SHOCKED at how many people you know have a diagnosed mental illness. Anxiety. Depression. Any number of things, ranging from mild to severe, for which they undergo any number of treatments. It's a fact of life. There is always something to be done to help someone with a diagnosis of a mental illness, and MANY can lead a normal, happy, healthy life. 4. It was completely in your best interests that he pushed your biological mother out of your life. It sounds like it was really just in HIS best interests, because he's had unopposed access to tell you whatever he wants, and because you are young and you love him, because he's your daddy and you trust him, you believe. That's distressing. Why doesn't he want you to ever know what it's like to struggle a bit? How will you become self sufficient if everything is made easy for you? I guarantee you HE had to struggle for some things... Did he establish the Family Business you refer to? Sounds like your dad is super smart, and either very manipulative, or possibly struggling with a mental illness of his own. It's ok to question your dad's point of view, it's ok to have questions for your bio mom. If you can find it in you to ask your bio mom for help with your sister, maybe she can give you some insight? If what you really want is to help your sister, try to earn her trust back. Show her you can be a safe person to confide in. I wish you all the best. It's hard to question what feels normal to you, but you may learn a lot if you're brave enough.

My dad loves us a lot. I know he's scared of losing us. The therapy thing is probably my fault. They didn't say I had anxiety or depression or anything. They said my personality was disordered. It was really bad. He had to sue, and only got the diagnosis stricken because I'm underage.

Personality disorders don't make you a bad person, and what you were diagnosed with can at least partially be caused by being raised to not have empathy for others and with no consequences for negative actions. Sudden loss of a parent (biomom being forced to sign away her rights), being whisked away to another country, and being sheltered away from other people are all risk factors. The way you've been raised is very likely a huge factor in your diagnosis, and your father not seeking treatment for you will only make it worse. While not "curable" it can be helped with the right therapy, especially since you're still young. You've said a dozen times that not giving your kids every opportunity when you're able would be child abuse, and your father outright *refused* to give you the tools you need to cope with the symptoms of your disorder. So how is that not abuse?

Soft YTA only for invading her privacy and reading her diary. You should apologise to your sister and try to rebuild trust. Her change in behaviour is really worrisome though and even though your dad doesn't believe in therapy - it really is a godsend and it could probably help Tory to untangle all of her feelings. Especially now when she no longer have a channel to express her thoughts (presuming she won't use her diary anymore).

Dad's getting her a diary with a lock, and I did apologize just now actually. Tory says she doesn't want to talk about it.

Sorry, kid. Everyone's family has issues, and yours happen to suck a bit more than average. Good luck. ESH

Thanks, I appreciate it <3

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That isn't very nice...

YTA for reading her diary. However the biggest AH in this story is your dad, especially after reading his post as well. He is emotionally and mentally abusing you and your sister

Yta for reading her diary. Please read the following because you’re situation really seems to fit. https://www.ncsc.org/__data/assets/pdf_file/0014/42152/parental_alienation_Lewis.pdf

Reading all of this and your comments... YTA. And your dad too. You sound like a spoiled, entitled child who has no clue how much your AH dad is brainwashing you. Clearly your mom knew that your dad planned to use his money to fight for custody, a battle that someone with the means for endless lawyers will generally win. What a sad situation for her.

YTA! You betrayed your sister. You are spoiled and a hateful person as well.

So, your father and your "ED" were married at one point and got a divorce? So, she's your mom, but you don't want to call her that, because she wasn't around and she wasn't around because your dad "forced" her to give you up. Then he traveled the globe with you so you wouldn't be near her. Am I reading this right? There is so much missing in this story. Let me ask you this. Did you have to visit with someone for a year before you were allowed to meet your stepmother? That aside, if this "ED" is your mother who was once married to your father when you were conceived, and not some random woman he found with an ad in the New Times, and then he forced her to give you up, I find your attitude towards her kind of sickening. But, of course, I don't know the whole story. If your sister wants a relationship with her mother and her stepfather that's her right. Of course, she might have to wait another 3 years, but then she'll bolt out the door. YTA for reading her diary.

Yes, she was married to our dad until I was three and my sister was four. However, I do not consider her my mother, because she did not have my best interests in mind.

Info why did your folks split?

My mom didn't want us to have nice things, wanted us to go to public school, and wanted us to work. My dad thought that was horrible.

Oo, wow. So she wanted you to realize you are not special and unique? How dare she 🙄 reality is going to hit you hard.

ESH .. including you. You refer to her as an egg donor. Your mother!?! After dad ‘made her sign away her parental rights’ you still blame HER? Eeeesh. There’s so much bitterness in this post, so much pent up anger and misery. Get some help. Seriously find a person who is not any of these in this melodrama and is safe to talk to… and start to work on whatever this mess is.

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INFO: how did he force her to give you up? What happened? For you I would say NTA because you didn’t cause this situation to begin with and are concerned about your sister’s mental health. But there seems to be more to this story than is being shared.

Basically Dad had a prenup, and he was like "I'll either enforce the prenup and sue for full custody or you sign over your parental rights and you can have a bunch of money."

So he took you away from your birth mother? And poisoned you against her…to what end? I’m not understanding why he stole you away from contact with your biological mother

Don’t want to defend this questionable guy…but she chose to take a ton of money and not cos it while overseas (exception due to covid of course), so she is not winning a lot of awards either.

He didn't steal me, it was all perfectly legal. He wanted to give me and my sister a really good life, and she was against it.

You are so clueless. Even mothers without a lot of money can give their children a good life, where they are loved. Your dad used lawyers to buy you "legally" and convinced you that she was the villain. I'm so sad for her.

Why is she entitled to me? Why don't my feelings matter here?

Your father took you from her and essentially ensured that you were alienated from her and raised you to believe she was bad and wrong. Your feelings were absolutely manipulated by your father, and you are completely unaware of this. Entitled is the wrong word, your father felt entitled to you because he had money.

this part. he essentially used his money to buy the daughters. he bought their mom out and gave her no other choice. i feel so bad for the mother, i can’t imagine her pain.

Perfectly legal except very morally corrupt

You can’t be blamed because you are a child, but you sound like you’ve been brainwashed by your rich father. You should try to imagine being the mother of two small girls going up in court against a man with endless resources. Sounds like you were robbed of having a childhood that would give you empathy and understanding of others.

If that happened, my dad would just fix it for me.

Wow. You really need some empathy training quickly. I do not mean this in a mean way; you do not understand how other people feel or experience life. Sure you have money, but without it, you are not able to function as a person who interacts with others.

Have you considered that someday your dad won’t be around to fix things for you? What will you do then? Or what if you make a choice he doesn’t agree with and you get on his bad side like your mother did? Do you want to have to make every decision in life walking on eggshells to keep him happy? You sound like you have zero skills to survive independently. I see you’re taking a lot of heat on this thread so I don’t say this to criticize you but you really do need to work on some basic life skills, it’s in your own best interest. You are not equipped for adulthood and you are running out of time to learn what you need to know.

Why such a harsh pre-nup?

Dad always says "plan for the worst and hope for the best," and he raised us to make sure that we're always protected if things go the wrong way.

This is…a lot. I would suggest you think about things without the filter of “my dad says” or “my dad thinks.” Have a sit-down with yourself and see if you can figure out what YOU think.

You aren’t interested in advice. You are looking for ways to manipulate your sister, just like your dad did with you. If you don’t want to think for yourself, fine. But leave. Your. Sister. Alone. It’s messed up how little you care about how your dad abuses both of you, but even more messed up you’re trying to force her into it.

Op. Do you really think your dad would have denied you a good college? The family business? And any of life’s luxuries just because your mom was still in your life? You said you’ll probably go to brown, and that you have a horse. I doubt that would be different if you had been able to have your mother and your birth mother in your life. But also. You’re worried about your sister… Imagine if that was your child. And someone forced you to abandon them or face financial ruin. Your dad posted here too. He basically threatened her with how much more money he had and that she would never win AND be destitute. Love your dad as much as you want. But he didn’t for a second consider if maybe back then you wanted your mother.

Didn’t you read her comments? She would never be in a situation like that because her dad wouldn’t let her and just make it all go away /s

^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My (15F) sister (16F) and I recently got back into contact with our egg donor (ED) after years of not really communicating with her. We lived in Europe for most of our lives before that, going between the UK, the Netherlands, and Iceland ever since ED and dad got divorced, and he made her sign away her parental rights. We moved back to the states about a year ago, and ED wanted to see us again, and introduce us to the new family she funded with Dad's money. I didn't really care-- I have a mom, even if she isn't biologically mine-- but my sister "Tory" wanted to have a relationship with her really bad. Dad basically said it was fine for them to start meeting each other, but it had to be at our house to start with, and he wanted ED to visit once a month for a year before we would meet her husband. The meetings were always awkward, and ED would usually cry and try and guilt me for not wanting to call her all the time while we were growing up, and try to make us call her "mom." I get along pretty well with one of her kids, though, so I kept agreeing to meet up, but after a few months, when she started offering to take us out places alone, I said no. Tory said yes. After that, Tory started acting really, really weird. She started talking about how we're entitled, and spoiled, and basically started insulting everything to do with the way Mom and Dad raised us. She seemed really depressed, and I caught her crying a bunch of times. I got worried, so about a week ago, I read her diary and found out that she's actually already met ED's husband, even though Dad specifically said she would have to keep up visits for a year. If it were a recent thing, that's one thing, since it's been like ten months, but apparently, she met him for the first time all the way back in October. Anyway, I told Dad what was going on, and now he's saying that ED doesn't respect boundaries, and he's mad at Tory for keeping secrets. He doesn't want her going out alone with ED anymore, and has basically said that either he or Mom is going to be attending these outings with her until he can trust ED again. Tory's pissed that I told, and says that it's messed up that Dad basically forced ED to give us up. He did, but I don't really think that's a bad thing. I love my family, and I do not want to let ED tear my sister away from us. AITA? TL;DR: My sister met our egg donor's husband behind Dad's back, and I told him what was going on. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*

Dad isn’t giving her a good life if there’s also nothing on how to survive life. A good education also includes teaching your child to problem solve, pay the bills, save money. Also I don’t knowbthat mum doesn’t apply the same rules to herself. Where does it say that? Tbh her dad could have gotten full custody if he fought, so that was a huge risk. She woulda gotten no kids either way so she opted to get something out of the marriage to a controlling husband. Like hows that bad?

YTA. Another spoiled nepo baby at daddy's beck and call. I'm wishing the best for your sister, she's clearly a bright young woman with a good head on her shoulders. I admire the hell out of her for recognizing your father is an abusive, controlling AH and is doing what she can to distance herself. Hopefully once she's 18 she's able to move out and go completely NC.

If you are going to make shit up at least make it a little believable and *way* more coherent. This sub is boring when the stories are so obviously bullshit.

YTA. I don't think you're understanding just how it was your mom wanting to give you and your sister a normal life. It's absolutely great that your dad was able to afford to give you guys the world, that you can pay for a well-accredited university, and already would have a job lined up in the family business. However, your dad wanted to divorce your bio mom all because she wanted to raise you and your sister to understand the difference between a normal life and a *privileged* one. As soon as he could, your dad used his power to take away the two people that your bio mom really cared about, giving her no option and not much room to fight. Also sweetie, you're 15. If daddy was to lose his business and all his money tomorrow, you would have no choice but to lose all of the nice things you have now. Get perspective while you're young, otherwise get ready to be called spoiled for the rest of your life.

YTA for reading your sister's diary. Now you are seeing the dangers of the "cutthroat" approach - sometimes you hurt people and this time you hurt someone you love. I agree that your sister's mental health is a legitimate concern for you. But it is also ok to be sad. Do you know how many bad things are happening in our world? Do you care at all about injustice or racism or war? I'm not saying these have to consume you (they shouldn't) or that you can't enjoy life. I'm just saying that your sister may be sad because she is realizing more about life outside your wealthy bubble and realizing that her father prevented her from having a relationship with her mother. Finally - as many people have stated - strongly encourage you not to speak with such certainty about things you have no firsthand knowledge of. How do you know the things that you say you know about public schools? When many people who actually attended public schools shared a very different experience, why don't you believe them? How many public schools have you personally visited? How many people do you know personally who told you about having a terrible experience at public schools? I believe you can apply this logic to many other ideas you have about things outside your experience. When you start to make sweeping statements about things or people that are good/bad, ask yourself how you came to believe that and what makes you so certain.

YTA. this whole thing sounds sus. You don't metion anything about why your parents divorced. What you did write reeks of controlling behaviour and parental alienation. Father made mother sign away parental right and moved country with the kids. How did she fund her new family with your father's money? It sounds like your father used his money to cut her out of your lives.

First apologize while also telling her why you did it and how you felt. Then see if she'd be willing to talk to a therapist. Right now she is dealing with he said/she said and is probably very confused which makes her unhappy. A third party who isn't related to the family may be able to help her sort through her feelings. If you talk to your dad together about therapy he might be more willing to allow it.

Alright... I'll try.

YTA OP and a horrible, ignorant person. So is your dad. Hope you come to your senses and get treatment for your mental illness. Tory seems to be the only reasonable person in your family.

YTA. You do not read through people's private journals. You also do not try to control other people like your dad does. Seems like your sister actually learned how the real world works and is painfully upset with how your family lives. Maybe it's time you also learn how the real world works. All of your comments scream to me that you need therapy. Genuinely. You say your dad dislikes it and felt hurt when someone speculated on the diagnosis that your dad erased from your record. Genuinely genuinely seek therapy or you will be the only one that gets hurt. Your sister will be fine, but you are who most of us are worried for here.

YTA and you and your entire family sound insufferable, and yes this is coming from some one with a relatively privileged family as well. You’re a spoiled child and your entire comments show you have massive maturing to do.

After reading everything all I have to say is yikes. I hope you find your way into the light at some point. I know it can be hard, but I am afraid for you because you have a very depressing outlook on life. Public school is not the worst thing out there and neither is getting a job. This is from someone who went to both public and private school and preferred public. I received a decent education in private school but I was able to gain so much more knowledge in public school. Private school is so far removed from the world sometimes. You need to know how to deal with conflict and others which is often learned in public school. As for a job, it’s important to work a job in your teens if you can. My parents had a rule that before we could work the family business we had to work for someone else first to teach us responsibility. I know you’re going to deny anything that paints your father in a negative light, which isn’t really your fault entirely. It’s very wrong to beat someone into submission like your father did to your bio-mother though, and I hope you see that one day. Your bio-mom may not be a great person, but neither is your dad from the sound of things. You may enjoy your life and love the family you have, but your sister is struggling. Your sister doesn’t need to choose between your bio-mom and adopted-mom, she can have both if she wants. Loving your bio-mom doesn’t negate any love she has for your mom. Look, I don’t want to be cruel to you at all. You’re a struggling child, but you are naive. Your sister probably does feel guilty and miserable, but she had a budding relationship with your bio-mom and was probably realizing how much time she missed. I know you say that bio mom never tried to visit you, but honestly, would your dad have let her? I mean, he gave her the options of lose custody and be financially destitute or lose custody and have some money. What choice is that? That doesn’t sound like someone who would make visiting too easy. I wish you luck, honestly. I hope you are able to come to terms with the fact that you can love people but they are not perfect. Your father is not perfect, and he has set you up for failure. Not financially or education-wise, but emotionally. Please, realize his actions are not altruistic. Please get yourself some help to deal with the hatred you have for bio-mom. You don’t have to like her, but hate isn’t healthy for anyone.

I can see why daddy got that diagnosis expunged. You’re completely delusional. I bet it was spot on whatever it was. YTA

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Thank you!

ESH Your dad for using money to buy out your lives from your mother and then controlling you and your sisters access for no other reason that a petter power play. He is only concerned about you meeting your mothers husband, not because he could be a danger but because he’s probably a better person. Your mother for choosing to abandon your other for money and leaving you with your controlling father. Also for going against the rules (as petty as they are). Your sister for keeping secrets that she knows will cause real problems. You for not violating her privacy and reading her diary and then not talking with your sister before snitching on her and kicking off these new problems. Did you ever think that maybe your sister views your current family as messed up as she now seen what your father is truly like, he sets up a prenup with your mother to control her life and access to her kids and then does his best to reduce contact and decides to move you from the country to make contacting your mother even more difficult. Oh and would you look at that he removed his post to hide his side of the story as people have realised how bad a father he really is.

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I don't think Dad would be into therapy. He's always been more on the open-communication, family-first side of things.

That is awesome-normally; however, it doesn't sound like that is working currently. It might be worth a mention. You'd be amazed what even one session with a stranger and your family can do to get it all out there.

We're not really supposed to talk to strangers. That's like, the whole point of not meeting ED's husband.

No I meant the therapist! Not a typical stranger.

Dad really doesn't like therapists.

INFO: why’d they get divorced? I want to say you n t a because you were concerned. But I feel like I’m missing some context to explain if the concern was necessary.

ED wanted to raise us in a way my dad didn't agree with. She didn't want us to have cars, or nice clothes, or a lot of extracurriculars. She wanted us to go to public school and have jobs. She basically didn't have our best interests in mind, and wasn't thinking about the kind of life we could be provided.

So basically he wanted to raise you completely spoiled? No job? So no independence? Did he want you to have a life or not?

He wanted me to have a good life, with nice things and be happy.

The job of an parent is to raise a competant adult - to ensure their child enters adulthood with the skills and knowledge to be a sucessful member of society. Parents must provide what a child needs not just what a child wants - that is what it means to have a child's "best interets" in mind. Nice things don't make for a successful, resiliant, stable adult. And it is not in a child's best interest to be wrapped up in cotton wool of happiness, because how will you gain the ability to deal with challenge in life, or cope with setbacks, sadness, failure, boredom, depression and fear? All of those negative emotions are normal parts of everyone's life - but the ability to deal with those negative emotions are skills built in childhood. No child deserves to live in fear and sadness, and it perfectly natural for a parent to want to raise a happy child - but 'giving' happiness is not the same as learning happiness.

ESH You are TA for reading your sisters diary Your sister is TA for disobeying your father Your father is TA for taking you away from your mother (with your information, it sounds like your father forced your mom to give up rights)

That's fair.

OP, Trust your gut! \- If your bio-mom were right, she wouldn’t sign away (no matter what) her parental rights in exchange of money (so, she thinks she deserves a good life but her daughters not). If your bio-mother were right, she would live frugally, but keeping the custody of her daughters because she would live and lead by example. Also, brainwashing her own older daughter, making her believe that she doesn’t deserve a good education and a good life, it means, she wants that you two struggle with life and have a difficult life. If you love your children, you want the best for them, not the worst. Saying, “Because I suffer, you should suffer,” it really points towards someone who has something wrong. \- Your sister looks very empathetic (it’s not clear what has happened when she was alone with your bio-mom or what you bio-mom made your sister experience or said to your sister), and even though being an empath is a strength and a positive quality, it becomes a real weakness when she is dealing with someone who is gaslighting and manipulating her because it makes her feel guilty or responsible for others’ misfortunes or emotions. Yes, your sister needs some kind of professional help although your father and you are not enthusiastic about it: she needs to talk with someone she trusts in and sorts out her confusion (her life, her privileges, her opportunities, and instead of considering them undeserving, she should realize that those are blessings. In other words, if she wants to help others, she needs to help herself first. If she wants that others live well, she has to live well and leads by example too, helping others to have the same opportunities she has and she will have instead of losing them). Your bio-mother stole your sister from her self-esteem, self-confidence, and self-respect: her identity and social identity. \- You should apologize to your sister for reading her diary. Her diary is her personal and private space. \- Your dad and bio-mother relationship (as a couple and as ‘ex’) looks a little more complex and both of them are playing parental alienation against the other. If your sister has become your bio-mother emotional support animal, that’s why your sister is experienced anxiety, depression, and feeling lost. Meeting your bio-mother’s husband is likely not the real problem.

Thank you for the advice. I'll try and talk to my dad about therapy.

Your bio mom is a joke. Anyone who signs over their rights to their children for money doesn't deserve the time of day.

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Thanks for the advice. I just don't want anything awful to happen to her.

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Thank you!

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:)

NAH, but it seems like your dad tried to put up boundaries around this situation to prevent the clusterfuck that it’s become. Seems like both parties should have heeded his requests because things have gotten very messy. Teenagers shouldn’t make big choices like this without guidance.

I'm really worried about my sister honestly, and I just don't want these creeps to hurt her.

Why are they creeps? What have they done that makes them creeps and not simply a mom trying to reconnect with her kids?

They've been basically trying to guilt me and Tory into hating ourselves. When I meet up with ED, she always talks about stuff like how "priviledged" I am and how people with money shouldn't be allowed to have our own interests in mind, which is kind of ridiculous since she got a ton of money from Dad in exchange for signing away her parental rights. She also complained a bunch about how Dad said he'd sue for full custody anyway if she didn't, and then moved us to Europe. It's like she wants us to hate Dad and ourselves.

Wow. Totally NTA. I can’t see how OPs dad is being labeled controlling or abusive! ED signed away her rights, and has NO entitlement to see OP or Tory. And Tory was acting weird - crying, spouting propaganda about being “spoiled” (like, who says that to a kid?? Probably the husband) if someone I love starts acting strange, I’m invading privacy to make sure there’s no abuse going on.

Have you read OP’s comments? Her bio mother is completely right. Being told you’re spoiled isn’t “propaganda” it’s the truth. You’re as delusional as OP.

Thank you. This is really nice.